#and most importantly NESSA!!!!!
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finally after 2768 years the long-awaited ressa flashback...... and they're fighting 💔 quimchee why r u like this 💀
#i love yoo#x#she wasn't joking when she said no one is allowed to be happy 💀#imagine if this is the only ressa flashback we'll ever get haha wouldn't that be funny 🙃 wouldn't that be absolutely hilarious 🙃#peak comedy i'd d*e from how funny that'd be 🫠#but god there's so much to this entire segment... the loaded dialogue the pregnancy dress the warm colors the soft lighting the sunset...#the sun literally and metaphorically setting on them... AUAGAGHH#and most importantly NESSA!!!!!#this is the most we've seen of her ever (not counting patreon content) and !!!!!!!!!!! oh my god#she's so tall?? like rand is almost 2m tall and she's not that much shorter than him?#save me tall redhead woman... tall redhead woman sa- oh wait you're dead 💀
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kiss it off me — enha ot6 legal line foodplay !
cw: f!reader; 4nal, ass eating, temperature play, ice d1ldo, tit worship, possessive kink, cum eating, blah blah blah
a/n: for my freakhoonz OBVIOUSLY but most importantly for @heeslomll !!! congratulations on graduating nessa! i love you and i'll always be proud of you my sweet girl. twinz forever <3
this is in no way supposed to be an accurate portrayal of enhypen. minors dni, 18+ only.
heeseung
your boyfriend affectionately refers to your ass as his personal cake
and one day you're lounging in bed with him the AC isn't working; it's a hot ass day so both of you, of course, are naked and eating ice cream, giggling like kids up to no good
things start to get out of hand when heeseung shakes the can of whipped cream too hard and it gets everywhere, splattering your face in the process.
"hee!" you squeal, wrinkling your nose at him in half-serious disgust. "it's sticky!"
"sorry, baby. i'll clean you up, hold on." he takes his finger and swipes up the whipped cream that decorates your features, and you think he's going to either lick it off himself or feed it to you, but he does neither
with a mischievous glint in his eye he rubs it over your lips
"i'm still sticky," you whine
"sorry, here, i'll fix it," he says, giving you a kiss and licking the cream off your lips. he keeps his tongue poking out and licks all the way across your face. "mm, babe. you taste so good. just wanna eat you up."
flustered, you stutter out, "you can, if you want..."
"any part of you?"
"uh-huh," you answer, too fixated on his pretty features
"turn over, then, baby." heeseung makes you literally spread your ass open and for a moment you think he's going to eat your cunt from the back
but then you hear the sound of the whipped cream canister spraying, and then you feel the cold topping drip onto your puckered rim
and then you feel the familiar glide of heeseung’s rough tongue, although this time he’s not eating your pussy
but he does have two fingers fucking your hole open while he eats your ass
“want you to cum like this, baby. can you do that for me? please?”
you can’t do anything but obey; after all, your boyfriend treats you so well, all the time
the rest under the cut!
₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿˚
jay
you’ve been wanting to ask your boyfriend if you can try ass play but you’re nervous
but also you just really really love him and you want to give him the honor of claiming your last untouched hole
so you when you bring it up, you also ask jay if you can do a shot of his expensive whiskey to help calm your nerves
and he’s like, “of course, darling, anything to help you feel good—but we don't have to do it if you’re not 100% sure about it.”
and you say, “no, i’m sure i want this, you know i just have a hard time relaxing…”
being the loving boyfriend who also loves to spoil you that he is, he gives in to your whims
but, also, jay being jay, obviously he isn’t going to just give you a glass with a shot of Suntory
he puts the shot in his mouth and then kisses you, spitting it into your mouth
and then repeats this a few more times until you feel the warm, dazed feeling of the alcohol buzz permeate through your insides
“‘m ready, daddy,” you murmur to him
“okay angel face, get on all fours for me, hm? face down, ass up, you know what to do.”
“yes, daddy,” you answer obediently
jay loves you like this: extra submissive and docile, not bratting out on him like you like to do
yeah he spits a little whiskey on the buttplug and then on your waiting hole to lube it up
“deep breaths for me, okay, princess? we can stop at any time.”
“no, daddy, want you to train me. wanna take your cock in my ass soon.”
“you’re such a good girl, aren’t you? hm? how does it feel, baby? tell daddy.”
“feels… ah! i feel so full.”
“you’re doing so well for me, baby. want my fingers, too? wanna be stuffed?”
that’s a rhetorical question. of course you do
jake
to get back at jake for him blindfolding you and making you ride his abs, you blindfold him this time
of course he’s all up for it
but what he doesn't know is that when you were out today
you picked up a box of your favorite donuts
which is your favorite treat
right after your boyfriend's big cock of course
you leave your blindfolded jakey in the bedroom, cock straining against his abs while you go to the kitchen to microwave the donuts until they're warm
and all the while he’s whining impatiently, “baaaaabe, come back” over and over again
when he hears your footsteps enter the room you see his cock twitch in anticipation
and it twitches again when he hears your mischievous giggle
“alright, jakey, no touching, okay? put your hands behind your head.”
he whimpers but does what you ask of him
and then you take his cock in your mouth, deepthroating him easily thanks to the countless times you've given him head over the years
he’s still whimpering, now with the addition of bucking his hips up trying to fuck your face even if you’re pushing him back down gently
you come off his cock with a pop! and reach for the box of donuts, pulling out a glazed ring and giggling to yourself again before sliding it onto his cock
“uh, babe? what’s that?”
“nothing, jakey, don’t worry about it,” you answer. “just a little treat for both of us. how does it feel?”
“warm… and sticky… kinda like you…”
“good.”
when he cries out that he’s about to cum
you stop sucking and use your sticky hand to jerk him off while you tongue at his balls
and jake cums all over your hand and it drips down onto the donut
you’re just as much of a freak as he is and you decide to eat it
with all the squirming he’s been doing, the blindfold falls off as you’re eating the donut
and he watches with his jaw practically on the floor as you do
you show him your empty mouth after you’re done: "look baby, all clean!"
his cock perks up again at the sight of you so happy, tummy full of sugar and his cum
sunghoon
he was fucking around trying to make popsicles and instead of being normal
he froze strawberries in WATER thinking that was a good idea
and you’re so annoyed with him bc wdym he froze your expensive japanese strawberries in water
he’s like “baby, i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” but you're just giving him the cold shoulder…
until he says he’ll make it up to you, which has you intrigued
because sunghoon has some very interesting ways of apologizing
of course he knows how to say sorry
verbally
but also with his cock, among other things he uses to make you feel good
this time it’s the fucking strawberry-water popsicle, with the promise that he won’t let your precious strawberries go to waste
he gets you spread open on the bed, teasing your cunt with the popsicle
you shiver at the contact, feeling it already start to thaw against your heated skin
you watch him with lust-filled eyes as he brings the popsicle to his mouth and suck on it, his pretty pink lips forming a perfect pout
and then
“fuck, hoonie!” you cry out as he nudges the tip of the popsicle into your waiting hole
he gives you a moment to adjust before he starts to fuck it into you, the coldness of the popsicle contrasting with the absolute heat rushing through your gummy, slick walls
“i’m really sorry, baby,” he says again
you literally couldn’t give less of a fuck about the strawberries at this point but you might as well use your earlier annoyance with him to your advantage
“want your cock, too, hoonie…”
he’s in no position to make you beg for it as he usually does
so he gives it to you, fucking you slow and deep for a few strokes before switching back to the popsicle
alternating between his warm skin and the melting ice has you close to the edge
but what makes you cum is when
he pulls the popsicle out of you and replaces it with his cock, thrusting into you down to the hilt while he takes a bite out of one of the strawberries
“mm,” he coos. “tastes way better like this, baby. wanna try?”
jungwon
having an innocent boyfriend has its perks
one of them being that he’s willing to try literally everything
so when you walk into the bedroom with a couple towels and a bottle of chocolate syrup
his eyeballs practically jump out of his head he’s so fucking excited
like what do you mean he gets to have his pretty girlfriend naked on the bed while he plays with her
he’s going to have wet dreams about this for weeks
but that’s for a different post, not this one
anyways
he straddles your waist and experimentally drips some syrup onto your tits
he’s learned to be a tease after being with you for some time now
so he completely skips your nipples, much to your dismay
they're hard and in his face so it's hard for him to not pay attention to them when he licks off the chocolate from your tits
you whine impatiently and he laughs under his breath before he indulges you
because he’s weak for you
and he spends what feels like hours just licking and sucking and biting at your nipples
moaning at the taste of the chocolate
moaning because your tits are in his mouth
moaning as his cock gets some friction against your smooth skin
you fucking cum just from him playing with your tits so passionately and intensely
like he is paying attention to them like he’s never seen them before in his life
and then just when you think he can’t surprise you any more
he cums, too
all over your stomach and underneath your tits
he rubs his cum on your nipples and licks it off with more chocolate syrup
neither of you can speak and the room is hot hot hot
and sticky
and honestly you should have known that your boyfriend had a little bit of a possessive streak when it comes to you
you’re hot as fuck and he wonders every day how he bagged you
regardless it makes your eyes roll back into your head when you manage to read what he’s written with his finger in a mix of chocolate syrup and his cum
right over your neglected cunt
property of yang jungwon.
sunoo
you're not as much of a sweets person as he is
but you love your boyfriend nonetheless
and you always want to indulge him no matter what
even if it includes him laying on you and getting the sugar dust of his gummy peach rings all over your skin
because, come on, you enjoy when he licks it off you
he always gets carried away
and blames it on the sugar high
but really he’s just horny
this time is no different
he has the neckline of your tank top pulled down to expose your tits to the cold room air
your nipples harden in excitement
and also to the sudden change in temperature
but mostly you’re excited because you love when he gets like this
it’s not very often when he’s catering to you and not the other way around
after all, your sunny baby is the brat in the relationship
moving on
you watch him intently as he sucks off the sugar from a peach ring
and then
places it over your nipple before admiring his work
it confuses you for a second and you almost get annoyed at him for making a sticky mess of you and not doing anything
both on your tits and in your panties
you look at him like ???
and he just fucking winks at you before ducking his head down to your tit
laving his tongue over your nipple, swirling it around the piece of candy and moaning
the vibration makes your back arch, pushing your tits even more into his face
he grabs your tit with his hand and squeezes it
and you don't notice until later but he uses his other hand to get his cock out
and push it inside you
cockwarming while he sucks on your sugar-coated nipples
moaning when you clench around him
which, in turn, makes you moan even louder
“you’re so sweet, lovely. just like candy.”
taglist: @karinasbaby @enha-stars @intromortal @heeslomll @venomhee @heeheeswifey
#sunghoon smut#park sunghoon smut#jay smut#enha jay smut#heeseung smut#enhypen hard thoughts#enhypen x reader#enha jake smut#enha smut#jungwon smut#sunoo smut#sunghoon hard thoughts#i fucking hate making tags#i cant stress this enough#🀄️thoughts
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(5) 99% FAITH 1% LUCK — NEYMAR JR
SUMMARY: when you left the house after a fight with Neymar and his family escalates the problem drastically
“Você não tem absolutamente nenhuma ideia de onde ela poderia ter ido? Quero dizer, eu sabia que ela era esquisito, mas sequestrava seu filho-” [Do you have absolutely no idea where she could’ve went? I mean I knew she was flakey but kidnapping your son-]
“Nosso filho.” [Our Son] Neymar corrected his sister, “E ela não o sequestrou Davi só precisa de sua mãe nessa idade, tanto quanto me dói dizer isso.” [And she didn’t kidnap him Davi just needs his mother at this age, as much as it pains me to say that] Neymar continued, ever since you left 4 days ago he’s been a mess.
He hasn’t seen his son, hasn’t talked to his daughter and mostly importantly hasn’t seen you. Crashing at his family home was the most logical idea as your shared family condo was too painful to stay in.
“E ela não o sequestrou Davi só precisa de sua mãe nessa idade, tanto quanto me dói dizer isso.” [Well Davi also needs to know his father didn’t abandon him, he needs you just as much as he needs his mother] His mother reasoned, she loved her son but loved her grand-baby even more.
“Eu vou ser uma droga se ela levar seu filho embora. Quero dizer, e se ela se mudar para outro país?” She continued. [I’ll be damned if she takes your son away. I mean what if she moves to another country?]
“Mamãe, você e eu sabemos que ela não poderia, mesmo que quisesse, ela está grávida de 8 meses, ela poderia entrar em trabalho de parto em qualquer lugar e eu nem sei onde ela está.” [Mama, you and I both know she couldn’t even if she wanted to, she’s 8 months pregnant she could go into labor anywhere and I don’t even know where she is!] Neymar yelled out the last sentence as he threw a glass vase at the wall right beside the television.
“Acalme-se, vou ligar para o nosso advogado e resolver isso, Ney. Eu sei que você sente falta do seu filho, mas qualquer coisa apressada lhe dará mais motivos para obter a custódia total de Davi e Valentina.”[Calm down, I’ll call our lawyer and have this sorted out Ney. I know you miss your son but anything hasty will give her more reason to get full custody of Davi and Valentina.]
“Não, não, você não vai fazer nada. Ela já te odeia. Qualquer coisa mais vai, não importa.”[No, No you won’t do anything. She hates you already. Anything more will just, never-mind] Neymar knew whatever you said about his family should be kept between you both as you don’t want to cause a fight.
“Exatamente o que?” [Just what?] His mother questioned with a confused look on her face.
“Eu disse não importa, ma, apenas deixe cair!”[I said never-mind ma just drop it!] Neymar yelled out at his mom causing the room to go silent. Neymar was such a mama’s boy growing up that it surprised everyone especially his father.
“Neymar! Não grite com sua mãe. Ela só está tentando ajudar. Não me faça ir até lá e dar sentido em você.” [Neymar! Do not yell at your mother. She’s just trying to help. Don’t make me come over there and beat some sense into you.] Neymar settled down after the threat his father just sent his way.
“Desculpe, mamãe.” [Sorry mommy] Neymar muttered under his breath, he shoved his head into a pillow.
“Tudo bem, querida, eu sei que você só está preocupada, mas vamos consertar isso. Você tem alguma ideia do que a fez fazer isso?” [It’s okay baby, I know you’re just worried but we’ll fix this. Do you have any idea as to what made her do this?] Sitting down beside her son, Neymar’s mother grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes.
“…Eu derrubei a bomba de casamento nelaz.” […I dropped the marriage bomb on her.] Neymar confessed quietly, the room went silent until Rafaela broke it. [Flakey]~ Rafella sung causing Neymar to throw his pillow at her.
“Ela gostou da ideia de que eu levei longe demais dizendo que nos casaríamos em um alter.” [She liked the idea I just took it too far by saying we’d get married at an alter.] He explained further, “Você não vai se casar em um altar?” […Aren’t you going to get married at an alter?] His mom interrupted with an eyebrow raised.
“Provavelmente não vou me casar.” [I’m probably not going to get married.] The room was sour and silent after that for a while until his mother got up. “Eu não me importo com a religião que ela escolhe seguir, mas meus netos serão lavados no sangue de Jesus Cristo.” [I don’t care what religion she chooses to follow but my grand-babies will be washed in the blood of Jesus Christ]
“ Só que não depende de você, mãe, cabe a mim e a ela decidir isso.” [Except that isn’t up to you Mom, It’s up to me and her to decide that.] Neymar cried out frustrated at what such a small comment had created, if he could go back in time and not say it he would do so in a heartbeat.
“Vamos ver sobre isso.” [We’ll see about that.] Neymar’s mom picked up her phone and begun dialling someone “O que você está fazendo?”[What are you doing?] Neymar questioned, his mom was a quiet and reasonable woman until something was to happen to her family especially her son.
“Algo que eu deveria ter feito há muito tempo.”[Something I should’ve done a long time ago.] The ringing of the phone made Neymar curious as he got up to see who she was calling. “Family Lawyer.” Shit. “Pare, mãe, você vai piorar as coisas.” [Stop ma you’re gonna make it worse!]
“Não! Você está piorando as coisas sendo um empurrão.” [No! You’re making it worse by being a pushover.] She yelled out walking away from Neymar before he tried to stop her. He ran his hand through his hair and paced around the room.
He picked up his phone and called you stepping outside the house. Of course you didn’t pick up but he sent messages that made it seem very urgent. After 6 missed calls he decided to wait until you called back.
As he went back inside his family were waiting for him with weird looks on their face. “O que?”[What?] Neymar asked plopping himself down onto the single person couch.
“Liguei para o advogado e eles disseram legalmente, já que ela não deu à luz, você ainda não pode fazer nada sobre Vale, mas o que você pode fazer é processar por custódia compartilhada para Davi.” [I called the lawyer and they said legally since she hasn’t given birth you can’t do anything about Vale yet but what you can do is sue for shared custody for Davi.] His mother finish, Neymar sighed. Non of this is what he wanted, he was starting to understand why you didn’t like his family.
“Não posso fazer isso. Ela pediu espaço e você quer que eu a processe? De jeito nenhum.” [I cant do that. She asked for space and you want me to sue her? No way.] Neymar firmly answer. His family looked at him sour faces thinking “how could someone be so naive.”
—
“Neymar is a good man and you know it darling, he offered you a good compromise and you rejected it. What do you want to do?” Your mother explained trying to reason with you.
You went to your moms house to try and get different perspectives on the situation with Neymar. “I know mommy, I’m very aware of that. I just not want everything that he wants to be our #1 priority.” You admitted, playing with Davi’s hair as he slept in your lap.
“Honey, name 1 thing that you’ve asked for that he hasn’t provided for you? That man loves you so much. I doubt you’ll find anyone who loves you as much as he does.” You have to admit that he’s the most perfect man, sometimes.
“Why cant you be on my side for once!” You whisper cry out trying not to wake your sleeping babies. “I’m on your side! I want you to make a decision you won’t regret. I want you to make a decision won’t tear your relationship apart. Listen to me Love.”
You signed realizing how stupid you were to escalate the fight much more than it needed to be escalated.“You’re right I don’t even know why we’re fighting to this degree.”
“I’m always right I’m your mother, now come on I’ll help you pack up your stuff.” Your mother got up from her seat and held her hands out trying to help you get up. You slowly removed Davi from your lap and took her hands.“But if I go to him it’ll seem like-”
“Now darling.” She was firm which made you stand down and take her hand walking towards the guest bedroom where you and your son stayed.“Fine.”
Once you were done packing you woke Davi up and told him told that you were going to see papa again. Seeing his eyes light up and the mention of his dad made your heart break knowing you hurt your son by taking him away from his dad.
“Come on your dad will drive you.” Your mom said as she walked towards the door with you hold you and Davi’s bags. “Thank you mommy.” You kissed her cheek before exiting her home and entering the SUV where your dad was waiting at the wheel.
“Ready to go princess?” He asked ruffling the hair of his grandson. “Yes daddy.” You kissed his forehead before settling in and fastening your seatbelt. “Thank your princess, Neymar is so lucky to have you.”
—
“Okay Davi, Wait in the car okay? Mommy will be back so very soon? I love you.”
“I love you too mommy.”
You kissed him on the forehead and left the car waving at your dad as he sent you a thumbs up. Your legs were shaking as you walked up the door of the Santos house.
As you were walking towards the gate you noticed a man in a suit following you. You walked faster praying that he wasn’t some crazy serial killer out for blood.
“Ms. [Last Name]?” He called out.
“What?” You snapped at him, hoping he’d be intimidated enough to leave you alone
“You’ve been served. Defendant Santos is suing you for custody of Davi Lucca da Silva Santos. & in the nearer future Valentina-Rosa Camíla Santos [Last Name].” The lawyer smiled as he handed you a yellow envelope and walked away.
“Huh?” You stood there holding the envelope confused as hell about what just happened to you.
—
Your hands shook with anger as you rung the doorbell with one million different ways you were gonna kill the Santos family running through your head. As you imagines the 672,492 scenario in your head the door opened and you saw Neymar’s younger sister Rafella.
“O que você está fazendo aqui.” [What are you doing here.] She asked in a tone that sound less than excited to see you. You slapped her hard in her face and pushed passed her throwing the envelope in the face of the first Santos you saw. “O que há de errado com você? Todos vocês.” [What the fuck is wrong with you? All of you?]
“Princesa?” Neymar got off the couch his bloodshot eyes meeting your eyes filled with fury. “Você está tentando tirar meu filho de mim, não está?.” [You’re trying to take my son from me aren’t you?] You shouted walked up to Neymar who was just so glad to see you.
“ Não! Eu sou- Nós não estamos.” [No! I’m- We’re not!] His voice cracked as he wiped the tears away from his face. “Sim! Sim, Você É. Juro por Deus, se você tentar avançar mais longe do que já se foi, eu vou te matar. Todos vocês. Você não pode fazer isso comigo. Você não pode.” [Yes! Yes, You are. I swear to God if you try to advance this farther than it’s already gone I will kill you. All of you. You can’t do this to me. You can’t.]
“Eu te disse que precisava de espaço e você foi me processar? Deus Neymar. Você realmente não mudou.” [I told you I needed space and you went to sue me? God Neymar. You really didn’t change.] Your voice cracked as you cried at the thought of never seeing Davi again.
“Por favor, me escute, eu não fiz.” [Please listen to me I didn’t] Neymar tried to reason.
“Cale a boca! Apenas cale a cara e vá para o inferno. Cada um de vocês. Eu te odeio. Juro pela minha vida, se você tentar levar meu filho, nunca mais o verá, ele, eu ou minha filha.” [Shut up! Just shut your face & go to hell. Every single one of you. I hate you. I swear on my life if you try to take my son you’ll never see him ever again, him, me or my daughter.]
“Amor, please just calm down!” Neymar pleaded with you. “Acalme-se? Acalme-se? Você quer roubar meu filho de mim e você está me dizendo para me acalmar.” [Calm down? Calm down? You want to steal my son from me and your telling me to calm down?]
You walk away with Neymar walking right behind you. “Não fale comigo, não me toque.” [Don’t talk to me, don’t touch me] You made it very clear that you wanted nothing to do with the Santos family anymore.
He turned you around and grabbed your arms holding them above your head, quickly pulling yourself free you slapped him in the face, again, and again & again. “Como você pode fazer isso comigo? Você disse que me amava, que queria se casar comigo.” [How can you do this to me? You said you loved me, you wanted to marry me] You cry out looking up at him with tears falling from your eyes so fast you could barely speak audibly.
“Eu faço! Isso não foi o que eu estava fazendo, foram minhas mães.” [I do! This wasn’t my doing it was my mothers.] Neymar explained as if you were going to believe him. “Besteira, apenas culpe tudo na sua família. Eu sabia que você era um bastardo sem espinha, mas isso é baixo.” [Bullshit, just blame everything on your family. I knew you were a spineless bastard but this is low] You scoffed before picking up the envelope and leaving the house.
This time Neymar didn’t even try to follow you as he knew that he’d cause more harm and good. “Eu disse para você não fazer nada e você fez alguma coisa.” [I told you not do anything and you did something!] Neymar shouted at his mom.“I was just trying to help.” [I was just trying to help!] She cries you overwhelmed at the fact that her son is screaming at her.
“E agora você destruiu meu relacionamento. Faça-me um favor. Fique longe de mim, meu filho e minha namorada.” [And now you destroyed my relationship. Do me a favour. Stay the hell away from me, my son & my girlfriend] Neymar sent a nasty glare at his mother before grabbing his car keys and leaving the Santos family house.
—
“Love, what happened?” Your dad ask with concern seeing your red eyes and tears streaming down your face “Just drive.” You answers shortly.
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” He insisted, concerned for his daughter.“Just drive.” You screamed, annoyed at the questionnaire
“Mommy I’m scared.” Davi begun to cry in the back seat not used to you yelling at anyone. “I know, i’m sorry Davi mommy didn’t mean to scream.
“Where to?” He asked driving towards the main road.“The airport please.” You whispered out. Neymar and his family can’t take your babies if you’re not in the country right?
“Are you sure? It’s risky for pregnant woman this far along.” You thought about it for a while before answering in a small voice.“Yes. Very sure.” Rubbing your stomach you reached your other hand into the backseat to hold Davis hand from his car seat.
“We’ll be okay Davi, It’s gonna be just fine. We’ll be just fine.”
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#neymar! 🫶#football imagines#neymar domestic#neymar fluff#neymar jr#neymar junior#neymar one shot#neymar x reader#football fanfic#football x reader#neymar#football#football oneshot#ney#neymajr#neymar imagines#neymar jr imagine#neymar smut
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Okay I saw Wicked again and I’m reobsessed so anyway some of my favorite things from this performance and just in general
The first word of the show is good and the last word of the show is wicked and if that doesn’t sum up how well the symbolism hits idk what does
Watching NOMTW it really did just hit me all over again the themes of fate and destiny and the limitations society puts on us and the limitations we put on ourselves
Wicked is a tragedy in the truest sense! No matter what Elphaba does she will not win and she cannot change things! No matter what Glinda does she will lose Elphaba!
Glinda’s sad face in NOMTW, and also how she is surrounded by the Ozians but is still so alone. They’re all giving her so much space, she has to walk across the stage and reach out just to get them to look her in the eyes (she’s lost the only people who ever saw her as a person rather than a doll)
The first time Elphaba runs downstage and she’s grinning so wide and she has so much hope for herself and for the world
The silence while Elphaba is dancing alone at the Ozdust, but more importantly, the way the music starts all soft and quiet when Glinda starts dancing with her. It’s the most romantic tune in the first act, maybe in the entire show
All the hand holding
The way that Glinda almost goes with her in Defying Gravity
The way Glinda reaches for Elphaba once she starts flying. Not caring at all that the guards and the Ozians and everyone else on stage can see. She’s just trying to reach her one last time
(The way Elphaba reaches back)
Glinda’s solo in Thank Goodness (Celia Hottenstein nails Glinda’s lower parts and she was an absolute dream especially in this song)
When Elphaba returns and Glinda walks into the room, the first thing she does is run into Elphaba’s arms. She’s horrified at the situation later but at that moment she doesn’t even notice anyone but Elphie
As Long As You’re Mine. Look Fiyero and Elphaba are Not It for me but the intensity of that song, the way the music slides into these dark little motifs, the harmonies. It’s so good
Glinda mourning Nessa when no one else is around
Elphaba blaming herself and Glinda immediately trying to comfort her even though they’re mad at each other
Idk if this is a normal thing and I’ve just never caught it before but when Fiyero was holding Glinda at gunpoint Elphaba was shaking her head, she looked so scared
Glinda tossing Elphaba her hat back and telling her to go
The opt up on FiyeeEErroooOOOOOOooooo
(All of No Good Deed)
Especially when she’s further back and the smoke is whirling around her and everything is purple and gold and it’s so sinister and her cape is flying around her and she is well and truly broken
I actually really love March of the Witch Hunters. It sounds sick af and it makes me imagine a world where the musical was closer to Maguire’s book and kept that super eerie, darkly violent vibe
(I feel the same way about when Fiyero is alone after ALAYM, and the music gets all intense and he’s running around the stage, holding up his lantern. idk those scenes hit a very specific vibe and I don’t quite know what it is but I like it)
Before For Good, when Elphaba started to tell Glinda to run, Glinda sobbed her name and it hit so hard
Have I mentioned the hand holding?
The way that they stand so still in For Good. So many songs have such insane movement to them, or even interludes between parts but For Good is just the two of them
(It’s such a love song)
Elphaba blew a kiss to Glinda and then pressed her hand over her heart when she hid her behind the curtain before the melting scene
Glinda’s sad face in NOMTW pt2
Again idk how common this is but before the lil For Good reprise Fiyero started to lead Elphaba away and she was about to take his hand but then Glinda started singing “who can say…” and Elphaba immediately turned away from him to go walk toward Glinda
#wicked#wicked the musical#gelphie#kinda#back on my bullshit I guess#god this show will always have my heart#Celia hottenstein#Olivia valli#was Elphaba and her voice is stunningggggg
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My Emotions Are Naked (Buddie Fanfic)
Summary:
Eddie doesn't know how long he has had feelings for Buck. But when he meets a guy named Alex and starts dating him, he figures that maybe he is over Buck, but it's never that easy, is it?
Chapter 1
It was the 16th of June, exactly 6 months and 21 days after they started dating that Marisol broke things off with Eddie. And 6 months and 21 days later, Eddie felt like he could finally breathe. Marisol was beautiful, kind, smart, and most importantly had the seal of approval from his Abuela, and that’s why Eddie stayed with her, even though he knew that they just weren’t meant to be. It was also around that time when he realized that he may have feelings for someone else. But he wasn’t ready to open that can of worms yet. Marisol wasn’t mad when she broke things off with Eddie. If anything, admitted that she always knew there was someone else. In the end, she gave him a hug and a gentle kiss on the cheek, followed by, “I hope you and Vanessa are happy together,” before heading out, leaving Eddie very confused. Vanessa. Right. Marisol thought Eddie was in love with Vanessa.
“She what?” Vanessa laughed that loud, obnoxious laugh of hers when Eddie called her after dropping Chris off at school. Chris understood or at least he tried to understand why Marisol broke things off with Eddie. He was sympathetic. He gave him a look that said he wanted to say more, but instead, he shook his head, said his goodbye, and headed to class.
“She- she thinks you’re in love with me?” Vanessa just couldn’t stop laughing and, frankly, it was pissing Eddie off a little.
“Vanessa-” Eddie said as a warning.
“Sorry, sorry, it’s just hilarious to me that Marisol thinks you’re in love with me,” Vanessa replied. “I mean, she was with you for 6 months and she couldn’t see that you’re so hopelessly in love with-”
“Don’t” Eddie quickly cut her off. “Please don’t.”
“Okay.” Vanessa finally got serious. “Eddie, you do know that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that-”
“‘Ness I’d rather not talk about it,” Eddie told her.
“Then why did you call me, Eddie? If you weren’t ready for some cold hard facts?” Vanessa asked.
“I called because you’re my friend and I needed someone to talk to,” Eddie replied.
“Well, if you needed someone to coddle you then you should have just gone to Buck,” Vanessa told him. “I’m not here to do that for you.”
“Fine, I’m hanging up then,” Eddie huffed.
“Don’t let me stop you, Eddie.”
Eddie could almost feel Vanessa rolling her eyes on the other end. He paused for the longest time before saying, “I’m not in love with him. I can’t be.”
“Why?” Vanessa asked with pity in her voice that made Eddie cringe. “Because your family thinks it’s wrong?”
“I don’t wanna talk about this, ‘Nessa.” Eddie sighed as he parked in his spot at the firehouse parking lot. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon. Say hi to Joaquin for me.”
“Oh yeah, Joaquin and I broke up,” Vanessa said unsympathetically.
‘Seriously?”
“Don’t judge,” Vanessa warned him. “I didn’t judge you or the fact that you’re in love with your best friend.”
“Vanessa!” Eddie groaned
“Okay, byeee…” With that, she hung up.
Eddie sighed and got out of the truck. He waited a few seconds, just taking in some fresh air before he headed inside. The last person he wanted to see was the first one to spot him.
Buck came over to him, and he did not look too pleased.
Eddie immediately put up a front and smiled at Buck. “Hey, Buck. How’s it going?”
“How’s it going? I’ve been calling you since last night!” Buck said moving his hands around. “I got a concerning message from Marisol, telling me to make sure you didn’t do anything reckless. What the hell is going on?”
Eddie groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “She had no right,” he said annoyed. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up.
“Eddie, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” Buck gave him his pleading puppy dog eyes.
“Marisol broke up with me,” Eddie blurted out.
Buck looked taken aback by Eddie’s admittance. “Oh,” he said before his features softened and a sympathetic look crossed his face. “Eddie, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Eddie told him. “It was a long time coming.”
“Really?” Buck looked taken aback again. “I thought you two were going strong.”
Eddie wanted to laugh humorlessly at that. Who could possibly think that Eddie and Marisol were going strong? “Well, we weren’t.”
“Can I ask what happened?”
Eddie sighed, crossed his arms, and shrugged. “We just weren’t working out anymore.”
Buck assessed Eddie’s face, making Eddie squirm under his gaze. “Eddie, is there someone else?”
Eddie’s heart skipped a beat and suddenly an irrational fear took over him as he wondered if Buck could read his face. “No! There isn’t someone else, Buck. Do you really take me for someone who would cheat on their girlfriend?” He was a little hurt that Buck would even ask him that.
“Eddie, that’s not what I meant. I don’t think you cheated on your girlfriend,” Buck assured him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry if it came across that way.” He searched Eddie’s eyes when Eddie averted his. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am,” Eddie replied honestly.
There was a long pause before Buck said, “Okay. Do you wanna hang out tonight? You, me, Chris?”
Eddie huffed out a laugh. “Even I barely get to see Chris these days. He’s so busy with his friends.”
“Okay, what about you and me then?” Buck asked in a hopeful voice.
Eddie’s heart ached. He wanted nothing more than to say yes but, truth be told, Buck was the last person he wanted to spend time with right now. “Not tonight, Buck.” Eddie immediately felt guilty when he saw the sad look that fell over Buck’s face. “How about over the weekend?”
Buck perked up at that. “Yes! Weekend sounds great!” He said. “I’ll make you some killer cocktails that will make forget all about your breakup.”
Eddie couldn’t help but smile at that. “I’ll take you up on that.”
Read the rest on AO3
((Thank you @sarastars for RPing this plot with me! Really helped build my confidence to write it!))
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all the posts about the parallels between Percy and Luke made me sad, I'm actually crying because the sadness is injustice is so raw
they were just kids, they ARE just CHILDREN fighting to survive in a world that is fighting to kill them, they are both right in their perspectives
HOW could anyone blame Luke for his disillusionment with the gods? he was just a child who only knew pain and betrayal from the gods, those same gods who were supposed to love and protect their children, as he must have felt when he realized that he and all those he loved were nothing more than pawns in your parents' twisted games? what it must have been like to know the truth that they are just disposable objects that can be replaced more than often? Knowing that their own parents wouldn't even be moved if they died?
I can understand his anger, why should they fight for minimal recognition? Why should they be abandoned? Why did their own parents let them DIE?
demigods are objectified, they are marginalized, they are cast aside as if they were forgotten toys that are only remembered when they are useful and forgotten again until they are broken quando são úteis e novamente esquecidos até serem quebrados
tudo é tão trágico, tão injusto e eu sei que se eu estivesse nessa situação tudo que eu faria seria gritar "PAI, AH PAI, POR QUE ME ABANDONOU" enquanto no meu peito uma tempestade de ódio e tristeza tomava meu coração e alma como um refém
Sejamos honestos, qualquer pessoa nesta situação se rebelaria, o único imune a isso seria o protagonista, mas e aqueles que não têm tanta sorte? aqueles que nunca foram reivindicados? aqueles sem rede de apoio? those who are just cannon fodder destined to help those most favored by destiny? those who are not destined for great things? aqueles que MORRERAM e foram tão rapidamente esquecidos? Existe alguém que não enlouqueceria vendo e vivendo num sistema tão abusivo?
there are SO many parallels between these two, a hero and a villain, Percy and Luke
every villain is a hero in his own perspective but we can really consider him a villain, it's so good to see that the fandom agrees that Luke before being a villain he was a victim, a victim of an abusive system, a victim of the gods , victim of the world
I can't stop crying for all those children, those who were forgotten, those who were tortured by the world, I'm crying for those women who were wronged by the gods, who suffered just for loving
and most importantly I'm crying because all of these books are ABSOLUTELY AMAZING
i love the random switch to portuguese in the middle cuz it really shows how passionate you are about this lol 😂😂
BUT ANYWAYS YES YES YES!!!
i remember an old tumblr post that defended luke from the luke haters and they said something along the lines of how if the books were written in pov of luke, we would TOTALLY see him as the hero and percy as the villain.
why? because luke's revolution MADE SENSE. he was trying to change an abusive system by taking down the gods who CLEARLY suck. and we would see percy as the villain because he's the one trying to protect that abusive system (or at least, that's what it would look like to us)
honestly, luke could've been the perfect hero, but his biggest mistake was being so desperate to fix everything that he trusted kronos to help him. the whole thing about gods vs titans in the books was very "lesser evils" coded and the gods were definitely the lesser evil. they were bad, but the titans were worse. because of this mistake, luke became the tragic hero instead
the real villains here were the gods and the titans. the demigods, regardless of whose side they were on, were, as always, just the tragic victims of this whole mess
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what r ur stalkyoo predictions
Oh man Nonny this is such a broad question lmao and it doesn't help that my "predictions" are constantly changing week to week. I'm going to do my best to write what I currently anticipate but... honestly just know that a week or three from now maybe it will change lmao but here's what I anticipate
(this DOES include FP spoilers up to 235)
At this stage, I think we're moving towards Stalkyoo both acknowledging/admitting their feelings, but perhaps not entering a relationship given, yknow... extenuating factors.
I think Dieter will talk to Nol and confront him on how he pushes everyone away and how it especially hurts Shinae, that he knows what he saw that morning and he knows that they both like each other, and what good is it to hurt her pushing her away just because she doesn't return Dieter's feelings? I think this conversation is important not just because Nol feels guilt towards Dieter, but because Nol needs to see and understand an earlier point Shinae made, that he cannot keep making decisions on their behalf. Just like pushing Shinae away in order to "mitigate her risk of harm", pushing away someone who reciprocates his feelings in order to not hurt someone else benefits no one.
Something crucial for Nol to understand is that a. there are some feelings you can't keep squashing down and b. what happens when you continue to do so. Not so much a prediction as much as I hope, I really hope Nol will look at the letters in the Bible from his father, so that he can better understand his mother and father's relationship, and how they ended up in the positions they did.
As much as Nol, Shinae, and Alyssa parallel Rand, Nessa, and Yui, the most important difference is that they are not yet in as deep. In leaving Yui for Nessa Rand stood to lose much more than Nol does - not just his life's work (the company), but he was already married and he had a child with Yui. I think Rand probably stayed to try to protect Kousuke the best he could, to try to counteract what he could. It wasn't as easy for him to leave. But Nol isn't in that predicament. He has all the opportunity to leave, to put himself first and to put his own needs and happiness first.
But it's still important for Nol to stand in Rand's shoes for a moment so that he can understand. Even though Nol has never really come out and said it himself, I think it's easy to see that he probably resents Rand for all of that - for being married and having an affair with his mom, leaving her a single mother to raise Nol all on her own, for everything that happened after they moved to Korea. It sounds like they lived in secret, undocumented immigrants hiding in the country put up by Rand but still unable to be part of his family. And I think that made him resent his mom a little, too. He asked Shinae what if you mistreated the cow from which your burger came and it lends some ideas to the guilt that Nol carries. What if before losing her, Nol fought with his mom? Fought about her relationship with a married man, hiding in a country where they had no one. He was alone, lonely. He had no friends.
It's so easy for Nol to point fingers and admonish blame. He was married, he shouldn't have done that! She shouldn't have done that!
But what kind of rules and arguments do you apply to a marriage that was never based on love, but rather was an arrangement? It's not confirmed, but it's always felt like Yui and Rand are an arrangement, rather than two people who married for love, much like Nol and Alyssa are. For Nol to stand in his father's shoes - to essentially have a responsibility (used very, very loosely here) to someone else but to know that his heart and happiness lie with someone else, to be torn between what is right and what he wants, perhaps he could better understand his parents, and how they ended up living the ways they did. Why Nessa clung to someone like Rand despite everything.
But also, just as importantly, I think it would give him more understanding of the choice Rand couldn't - didn't - make, and what could happen to Nol if he doesn't. It's not just his happiness that is in jeopardy but also Shinae's. Knowing what his mother was like, and how Shinae, too, is so relentless, unwilling to give up on him, might give him more of the resolve needed to make the choice that his parents were unable to.
Now, I'm uncertain of the order I think things from here will progress. Will Nol get a chance to talk to Alyssa and break up with her before he gets to talk to Shinae? Is Alyssa going to have to contend with dating rumors involving convicted felon Nol? At some point, whether it's a mutual choice or not, one of them is going to pull the plug on that fake relationship. The moment Alyssa's benefits are jeopardized by Nol's reputation, it's all going to fall apart. We know that much. Minhyuk has kind of hinted at it - Alyssa doesn't keep people around when their reputations bring her down and the moment it does, she's going to have to make the call, whether or not she wants to.
At some point, though, Nol and Shinae will talk. They both have very pointedly (on the same day!!!!) come to realize the nature of their feelings towards each other, to understand just what they mean to each other! And Shinae is SO feral about it! I FULLY think she's going to have a spicy dream about Nol lmao the smut in Maya's books was too heavy handed for it to not come back into play in Shinae's subconscious, further illuminating something she's just become aware of. It's not enough to want to hang on to his friendship - it's EVERYTHING she doesn't want to lose, it's what he he means to her, and what SHE means to him. Nol's been given a 3 day extension before has to go to prison and I don't think quimchee would deliberately write that if not to leave room for this to happen. Notably, this extension brings us to Christmas Eve; it just feels TOO pointed to ignore.
Maybe it won't happen until the final day, but I think Nol and Shinae WILL talk and it will set us up for their post-time skip dynamics. Whether or not they actually enter a relationship at this time, I think what is more important is that Nol and Shinae will very likely resolve a lot of this - what they mean to each other, how they feel about each other, but also understanding that they are better off together. It's so easy for Nol and Shinae to be used by Yui against one and other if they are isolated, if Nol is pushing her away, if they are not a united front. Nol needs to start taking steps to forming his alliances so that in the future he isn't left so vulnerable. A talk about their feelings is more than just about relationships; it will set them up for the future where they are both playing this game.
But for the sake of my predictions, I think Shinae WILL go see Nol, whether it's because she wants to demand her belongings back or because she suddenly gets shy and can't face him. I really don't think we're leaning towards that any more, but rather "fine if you won't me have you" (SCREAMS), some kind of high tension moment that will inadvertently bring their feelings out into the open lol. As much as I'd like her to go straight back to him after waking, I'm not totally certain if I think she will or if she'll wait until the next day. Maybe Nol needs to sit with his feelings, too, after his talk with Dieter to be a little pathetic about her and really drive home how much this is something he can't just keep repressing lol.
And while I'm not sure they'll actually enter a relationship at this time, I think what we'll probably see is how this brings them into the timeskip. My friends and I have been talking lately about Nol taking his own path - moving forward not as a Hirahara but as a Lochlain, not attending Oxford but perhaps some other school abroad, becoming a self-made man his own way, while Shinae remains in Korea and probably takes Yui up on her offer. My guess is that Shinae will basically "trade herself" for her father - make a deal that you leave my father be and fine, I'll do this, I'll let you cover my schooling. I just... I DON'T want her to lose Simhan, I DON'T want him to die to force Shiane's hand. I'd much rather see her be proactive and take action against Yui, because as much as it still means she's being "forced" into taking up Yui's offer, it's still more or less on her own terms, it's not nearly as dire as what happened at the formal.
I think it will lead us to something where Shinae is the one playing the game the most openly - she's the one employed at the company, she's the one who is the direct adversary to Yui, who will be trying to no avail to try to break her, to get her to play the game her way, to try to convert her to her side. Meanwhile, I think Nol will operate from the shadows. They know of their own relationship, they know of their importance to each other, but perhaps others may not see it up front. Quimchee has a lot of Patreon art of Nol and Shinae that, quite frankly lmao, feels very much like it's Shinae in charge and Nol is here to do her bidding because he really doesn't care about anything else besides her LMAOOOOO idk maybe he WILL want revenge, especially if/when he learns that what happened to his mother may not have been simply her taking her own life. But I think their future dynamics will very much put Shinae at the forefront with Nol operating from the shadows, perhaps Shinae feeding him information so that he can work out of sight from people like Yui. That's not to say I think their relationship will be a secret or anything as much as just.... those who matter will probably know. There are a lot of benefits to them pointedly not revealing it to other people, right?
Something I think has been emphasized a lot in a lot of ILY art is that even if Nol and Shinae aren't directly connected, they're very often connected in SOME way - the earbuds binding them together, holding on to each other's fingers, Shinae's gaze on him. I think Stalkyoo will prove that they have a connection and understanding that goes deeper than a lot of people expect, and as such, they have confidence in each other, that they don't NEED to proudly display their relationship, and thus it will work to their advantage because we know Yui WILL try to divide them so it's better to keep things in the shadows, right?
My head is still really stuffy so this is not my BEST explanation, but hopefully this suffices! For now this is how I see things going down but, as always, we will possibly see this change with the coming episodes haha!
#I Love Yoo#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#ILY Brainrot#ILY Anon#Stalkyoo#Aegi#Shinae Yoo#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn#i'm still sick and while I'm getting better my head remains soup#i am doing my best to answer some of these hhhhhhhhh#i just feel bad that i'm not at the top of my game but ALAS better than waiting weeks lmao
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“I’m Wicked Through and Through,” Wicked’s Elphaba and Internalised Racism
The musical Wicked has been a Broadway and West End hit for over fifteen years, telling the story of the Witches of Oz from before Dorothy fell out of the sky. It follows their school days, how they became involved in the political landscape of Oz, and most importantly, it tells of their friendship and love.
For Elphaba, who would go on to become the Wicked Witch of the West, it is also a story of how she became a scapegoat for the citizens of Oz despite her good intentions. Though there are many factors for her descent into wickedness, one that she can never get away from is how she feels about the emerald green colour of her skin.
Her skin colour causes other people that she encounters to stare, to laugh, and to fear, and it is an obstacle to acceptance that Elphaba tries desperately to overcome.
This is a story of flying monkeys and broomsticks, of witches and wizards and whirlwinds, but also of race and how it affects how a person is seen by others, and most importantly, by themselves.
She’s a Terror, She’s a Tartar
Wicked serves as a strong metaphor for external racism, as seen by how others interact with and view Elphaba, and it is no wonder that she might feel so negatively about her own colouration when she is faced so frequently with such attitudes. To begin with, her very birth is seen as “atrocious,” “obscene,” and “unnatural,” as stated in No One Mourns the Wicked, with her father crying “take it away, take it away,” and ingraining negative self-perception from the moment Elphaba was broght into the world.
It does not go away as she ages, and, as she arrives at Shiz, her fellow students call her “a terror,” “a tartar,” and the Ozian coinage of “disgusticified.” What is this Feeling continues to announce the entire student body’s “loathing, unadulterated loathing” of Elphaba with the only reason they have chosen to do so being the colour of Elphaba’s skin.
Finally, it is stated by Madam Morrible in an attempt to make a her an enemy of an Oz that “her green skin is but an outward manifestation of her twisted nature,” before at last calling her “the Wicked Witch.”
It is clear that Elphaba has every reason to feel thusly about herself when she faces a barrage of prejudice with the only exceptions being Glinda, Fiyero, and a rather complicated relationship with her sister Nessa-Rose
“Would it be alright by you If I de-greenify you?"
Elphaba spent her whole life internalising these thoughts and wishing to look like her sister and her peers. Upon meeting her Shiz classmates, she’s so used to years of silly questions that she introduces herself with pre-prepared answers that she was born this way and didn’t eat grass as a child. As Suzanne Lipsky describes internalised racism as “turning upon ourselves, upon our families, and upon our own people the distress patterns that result from the racism and oppression of the majority society.” Elphaba is exemplary of this definition, as she notes that she is used to he father ‘not being proud of her’ and her sister ‘acting ashamed’ as described in “The Wizard and I.” Except, even her own family are in her case part of her problem, as Elphaba is the only known green witch.
As The Wizard and I continues, Elphaba’s internalised racism comes truly to the forefront as she imagnes a scenario in which the wizard changes her skin colour to a non-green- or, more acurately, to “de-green-ify” her. She’s hoping that, because she is “so superior” in her magical abilities, that her appearance should match, showing how she feels inferior to her peers due to the colour of her skin, despite her impressive skills in magic. She equates it with ‘goodness’ also, foreshadowing the later association of the colour of her skin with wickedness as the musical.
The Milk Flowers
Elphaba’s internalised racism continues to be a prevalent issue in her life, even as she gains more acceptance through Glinda. Though Glinda resigns herself to being Elphaba’s “pal, sister, advisor” in Popular, it is after Elphaba has confessed that she believes it to be “[her] fault” that her sister Nessa Rose is “they way she is,” referring to her disability. As their father had his concerns that Nessa would “come out green” as Elphaba had, he encouraged the girls’ mother to eat milk flowers, which is believed to have caused Nessa’s premature birth and disabilty, and the demise of their mother.
While surely it should be clear that, if anyone is to blame at all, it is Elphaba’s father and not Elphaba herself, it was Elphaba who shouldered, and internalised the guilt for her whole life. Elphaba’s father, the governor of Munchkinland, expresses these views for all of Elphaba’s life, and, to take a brief pause for speculation: as an important political figure in Oz, the governor could have used his influence to spread or fuel existing prejudices- not to mention ableism against Nessa Rose which aids his discriminatory practises towards Elphaba. It should be noted that there is little basis for the accusation, other than the language used around Nessa’s disability being unfavourable, Elphaba’s treatment from her father, and his position in society according to the musical.
That said, the point remains that Elphabas home life was influential in her self-loathing and internalised racism.
One Short Day
In her lifetime of overwhelming loathing for herself and the colour of her skin, Elphaba has placed all of her hope in the Wizard of Oz, in the hopes that he won’t be “dumb” or “small-minded” like the Munchkins of Munchkinland, or the students of Shiz. By association, Elphaba falls in love with the Emerald City, a place where everything is a bright, glittering green. The musical makes the crucial visual addition of giving green sunglasses to all of the dancers in the Emerald City scenes. They would never even notice that Elphaba is green if they are seeing everything through carnation-tinted glasses. Instead of discrimination, Elphaba is greeted only by the hoi polloi of the Emerald City, where “it’s all grand” and “it’s all green” as she exclaims with joy.
One Short Day is the heartbreaking turning point in Elphaba’s life as it represents both her highest high and the pivitol descent to Elphaba’s supposed Wickedness. Elphaba gets to walk through the Emerald City, surrounded by green buildings, green dresses, and green-tinted sunglasses. The citizens welcome her and guide her to Wiz-o-mania, and she and her best freind Glinda sing together: “I think we've found the place where we belong!”
But it after that song concludes and Elphaba meets the Wizard as she’s been dreaming of “since birth,” that her world comes crashing down around her and she is set off on the journey that exposes the truth of the oft-quoted statement “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”
Let all Oz be agreed, I’m WICKED Through and Through!
Elphaba’s internalised racism, blended together with the outward racism of her peers in Act Two, which opens in Act Two when we learn of the propaganda that has been spread since Elphaba’s last defiant stand in Defying Gravity. Citizens of Oz sing that Elphaba is “ev'ry day, more wicked,” and that ev'ry day, the terror grows.” It is made clear that all of Oz has upped their racism ten-fold, claiming that she is “spreading fear where e'er she goes.” And actually, the Wizard recognises the nature and danger of spin in Wonderful, noting “a man’s called a traitor- or a liberator […] it’s all in what label is able to persist.”
Unfortunately for Elphaba, the racism of others has lead the label of Wicked to be the persisting one, and it is only at this point, the point of no return, that she uses it for herself.
In her desperation to save Fiyero from harm in No Good Deed, she transforms him, likely irreperably into the scarecrow as he is known from the Wizard of Oz. This is also after having turned Boq into the Tinman, and allowing Nessa to walk with enchanted silver slippers which will go on to be the last image that exists of her after her untimely demise. She feels at this point that she must be truly Wicked, as even when she tries to do good, she causes bad things to happen, saying:
“Sure, I meant well -well, look at what well-meant did,” and resigning herself to never do good again.
Although just one song previously, Elphaba makes an attempt to claim the word as having a positive connotation when she’s with Fiyero, the chance is gone.
The article 6 Signs of Internalized Racism (and How To Heal) from disorient.co quotes Steve Biko saying “the most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.”
To me, this perfectly reflects Elphaba’s attitudes towards her own failings. She breaks the flow of her own spell in No Good Deed to shriek about how she feels it is futile, which, by my speculation, could have caused Fiyero to turn to straw, rather than her own inabilities. But because she has had such a negative view of herself her whole life, she does not consider herself able to save him.
Defying Gravity
But is there a happy ending for Elphaba? Can there be a way to overcome internalised racism for someone who has become a terrorist in her home country? Everything admittedly seems bleak when Elphaba makes Glinda promise not to clear her name, and leaves Oz, intending never to return.
Perhaps I am overly optimistic, but I wish to explore the routes through which Elphaba could find happiness again.
The previously mentioned article, 6 Signs of Internalized Racism (and How To Heal), lists six ways to heal from the trauma of one’s internalised racism. Of those, one that may have some applications for Elphaba’s life after the events of Wicked is number three: “Seek counseling and healing on our memories of internalized racism […]
As previously mentioned, Elphaba does have a brief moment of trying to reclaim her Wickedness in a positive light, which fits well with one of the example prompts as written by Suzanne Lipsky, “What has been good about being Black?”
Elphaba’s being called wicked stemmed only from her attempts to help animals who were being harmed by the Wizard’s schemes, and everyone who worked with him, such as Madame Morrible. Elphaba’s “road of good intentions” really was a road of good intentions. She was just a scapegoat because she threatened to undo the balance in society that had been following the Wizard’s lead since he blew in “on the winds of chance.”
If Elphaba could remember that, and learn to appreciate the good that she did, and realise that she did have “wickedness thrust upon her” as suggested by Glinda in the opening moment of the musical, then hopefully, she can heal.
I like to believe also, by pure speculation, that Elphaba and Fiyero, though having to live low as they are both well-known political figures in Oz… and one of them is rather uniquely green, they still managed to live a simple, happy life, away from Oz.
I also like to belive in the hope that Glinda rebuilt a more tolerant Oz, as the only other person who knew the truth that Elphaba was not wicked, but good. Perhaps they will reunite someday as two best friends should, and maybe they’ll even have more days in the Emerald City together as they deserved.
Conclusion
Wicked is as much about Elphaba’s internal struggles with the colour of her own skin and the stigmas that she’s had to face in relation to that trauma as it is about Elphaba as a witch of Oz. Internalised racism creates such a barrier in her own mind to what she’s capable of, and external racism is what sent her onto the path of so-called Wickedness in the first place. Elphaba is a perfect case study for internalised racism, as maybe the true Wickedness stems from racism.
Ultimately, Wicked is a highly political musical, dealing with propaganda and the complicated nature of what is wicked and what is good, and Elphaba’s struggles are a huge part of that.
It is up to everyone to fight their own prejudices, and build a space where wickedness can be reclaimed for good.
#pink academia#pink#academia#pink academic#pink academic essays#wicked#wicked musical#elphaba#elphaba thropp#it looks weird that the titles aren't pink but i couldn't not do green#btw im not an expert#ive never experienced internalised racism#im just trying to learn
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Coming Up Blank - Part 3 of 3 Answers That Never Come
Book: Wake the Dead (Prequel)
Pairing: Eli Sipes x F!OC, David Sipes x M!OC
Rating: Mature
Words: 3,870
Warnings: Missing persons, discussion of homophobia and one slur, discussions of racism, dealing with a painful loss
Series Summary: 19-year-old Eli Sipes and his 16-year-old brother David are coming of age in a very challenging world. Growing up and discovering who you are was challenging enough in their parent's time, but they have to grapple with old issues and new ones too.
Chapter Summary: When questions are many, and answers are few, Eli and David find ways to get by. They have each other, they have themselves, and they have memories that change as time goes on.
A/N: In this chapter, we get a glimpse of how Eli became the man he was at the beginning of Wake the Dead. It provides insight into how the walls were built, even before his family was gone. I will be posting Part 4 of A Mother's Journal soon, and that will tie into events in this series. After that, there will be one more fic to complete the story of Eli's life before he met Zoe. Thank you to anyone who has read/supported this work. I appreciate it more than you know! Tagging @choices-february2023 for day 26 - fairy tale - but only if we allow opposites because this is the opposite. :)
Series Masterlist Wake the Dead Masterlist My Full Masterlist
Keeping quiet was essential. Rule #1. Every step Eli and his father took was measured. Still, whenever silence was essential, it seemed every step on fallen leaves echoed through the land. He could feel his heart racing when the boards on the rickety old porch began to squeak. But it wasn’t out of concern for himself. Nessa’s hearing rivaled that of the zombies, and the fact that she hadn’t jumped out to greet them yet left his heart heavy. He wasn’t afraid for himself but terrified of what could lie behind that door.
Jim placed his hand on the doorknob, turning it painfully slow. He was shocked to find the door unlocked. A bad sign, for sure. The seconds felt like hours, and Eli tried to reassure himself by ticking off the good signs in his mind: nothing was disturbed, there were no signs of struggle, and, most importantly, the distinct, copper-tinged smell of blood wasn’t permeating the air.
For all the caution taken, the door still creaked loudly when Jim pushed it open, his gun in position, ready to fire, but there was no need. They were met with abject silence. They stood in the cabin's main room, the same room where Eli had sat with Nessa only two days before. The day her eyes, lips, and tender smile told him everything he needed to know. Everything looked exactly the same.
“Kenny?” Jim called out. “Manda?”
Silence.
“Ness?” Eli yelled anxiously. “Brady?” But he received the same response.
Jim nudged the first door on the left open… Brady’s room. They peered inside… nothing. The bed was perfectly made, but Brady wasn’t in it. The parent’s bedroom rendered the same results, and Eli’s breath hitched when his father pushed the door to Nessa’s room open wide…. nothing.
Eli had been keeping his cool the entire time. He didn’t entertain the “bad feelings” his brother was having and just did what needed to be done, but now, he was beginning to unravel.
He hoped to find them all asleep or rousing to start their day. Nessa was always up early, and he all but envisioned the smile she’d have on her face when she saw him and Jim approach, but that never came to be. He also feared the worst, walking into blood-splattered rooms… a massacre, or their friends turning before their eyes. The thought of having to put them down was something he pushed out of his mind, it was too horrible to bear, but he had steeled himself for the possibility. But this. Nothing? The idea of finding nothing never crossed his mind. What could he do with that?
“Dad,” his voice trembled. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, son. Why don’t we check the perimeter.”
And they did. It turned up nothing. The stable… the shed… the treeline behind the clearing… the creek where the family fished, they checked everywhere. Nothing.
“Should we ride around one more time?”
“We could…” Jim said with a shake of his head, “but I don’t think we’ll find anything different.”
“They have to be somewhere. People don’t just vanish!” The panic in his voice was rising. “Do you think it could be raiders? Do you think they were kidnapped?”
Jim quickly dismissed the notion. “And leave all their belongings behind? No way. The raiders wouldn’t want them, they’d want their belongings, but outside of the horses… nothing is gone.”
“Maybe they went someplace… together?”
“Where? And without so much as a word to us?”
“I’m going to look inside again,” Eli insisted. “Really look. There has to be some clue.”
“We can do that,” Jim replied. His hope was diminishing, but his son was unraveling, and he needed him to be strong. “Try to stay positive, Eli. We didn’t find them dead; things could be worse….”
“Yeah, and they could be better.” Jim didn’t say a word because he couldn’t disagree.
~~~~~
It had been seven days now, and the hope of seeing the Joneses again diminished more with each passing day. The Sipes were all fraught with concern. Sleep had become a luxury, and Florence found herself forcing everyone to eat. They vacillated between allowing the uncertainty to give them a flicker of hope, only for despair to claim them just hours after.
Eli was on the porch with his mother and David when his father returned from checking on the Jones's place one last time. He took a seat beside his wife and stoically addressed his family.
“I think it’s time to accept that they’re gone. We probably will never know what happened to them, and as difficult as that may be, we have to accept it.”
David’s face fell into his hands, making no attempt to control his tears; his mother was quick at his side. Jim kept a close watch on Eli. David showed every sign of grief this past week, but his eldest son merely retreated more each day. Even now, he sat stoically staring into the horizon, even as his set jaw and glassy eyes betrayed him.
Florence was desperate to give everyone a molecule of faith to hold on to. “Jim, do you think there’s any chance they moved to a colony. I know Kenny talked of it in the past.”
“He did, but Kenny was almost as opposed to colony life as I am.”
“But the colonies make you hand over everything you own,” David cried. “And…. nothing was gone from their place.”
“Almost nothing,” Eli muttered.
Florence's head flung in her eldest son’s direction. “What?”
“The wooden stars I made Nessa for her birthday two years ago, they’re gone. She always kept them on the top of her dresser, and on my last trip there, I noticed they were missing…” he reached into his pocket and tossed an object onto the porch. “All except this one I found on the floor by her door.”
“None of this makes sense!” Florence moaned.
“Yes, it does,” David sobbed, jumping to his feet. “It makes perfect sense! It’s my fault! It’s my fault they’re gone!”
“David,” Florence implored. “That’s not true at all, honey!”
But David took off on foot before his mother’s sentence was done, and while Jim and Florence jumped to follow him, Eli stopped them in place.
“No. Let me.”
“David!” Eli hollered, running to catch up with him. “David!” Finally within reach, he grabbed the back of his brother’s shirt to hold him in place. “What the hell are you doing? Talk to me!”
David’s body shook as he looked up at his brother, his face slick with mucous and tears. Eli grabbed a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to David, who wiped his face as he collapsed to the ground at his brother’s feet.
“It’s my fault!” He sobbed. “The day… the day before they went missing. I told him… I told Brady….”
“Told him?
“That I… I had… feelings for him… that I thought I loved him, and he told me he felt the same way about me.”
“He did!”
“Yeah, he did. We were so happy, Eli! We talked, and we kissed, and we cried. We both held it for so long, and it was such a relief to be open! We didn’t want the day to end, but we didn’t want to draw attention. So when Nessa said they would pass by the next day, Brady told me he couldn’t wait to see me again. That’s how I knew. There was no way he wasn’t going to get his chores done and not come… I knew something was wrong.”
“Oh... David,” Eli sighed, holding his brother close.
“Maybe his parents found out,” David whimpered. “Maybe they did, and they left because they didn’t want Brady and me to be…. It’s my fault, Eli. We’ll never see them again, and it’s my fault!”
“Stop it, David! You don’t know that. They probably didn’t even know, and if they did… I don’t think that would make them take off like that.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I don’t know anything anymore,” Eli said in defeat. “But neither do you. I’m just so sorry you finally told Brady and….”
“What about you?” David interrupted. “I know you… cared… about Nessa. What about you?”
“What about me?” Eli huffed, dropping his head into his hands. “Nessa thought everyone knew about us….”
David chuckled as he lovingly placed his hand on his brother’s back. “And she was right.”
“See! That’s what I mean! I don’t think anyone knew about you and Brady, but they knew about Nessa and me. So if anyone is at fault, it’s probably me.” Eli paused, attempting to hold back tears. “We should have told everyone. We shouldn’t have been sneaking around… we were getting too careless… what if they left because me and Nessa were….”
“But they loved you,” David reassured.
“They loved you, too.”
“Yeah, but you weren’t turning their son into a faggot.”
“David,” Eli shouted. “Don’t say that!”
“Why? You and Nessa were the normal ones… everyone expected you’d end up together. But me? And Brady? You know there’s a good chance I’m right.”
“And there’s a good chance you’re not! For all we know….”
“Boys?” Their mother's voice called out as the sound of their parent's footsteps coming down the graveled path grew closer. “Hey, can we join you? We’d like to talk.”
The brothers exchanged a look and nodded. “Yeah,” Eli said, “but let’s go to the house.”
The family talked late into the night. It was difficult, but each brother shared their story… first Eli, then David. Eli kept his arm wrapped around David the entire time he spoke, and when he was done, he looked at his parents with fear in his eyes.
“Do you hate me?” He whimpered.
“Hate you?” Florence gasped, pulling her youngest close. “No, no, no, baby! No!” She cried. “I love you so much, more than you could ever know. I could never hate you! And right now, I’m so proud of you for talking to us even though you were scared. I’m so sorry you bore all this alone.”
“You’re not mad then?”
Jim nudged Eli aside and sat at David’s side. “Son, all your Mom and I ever wanted was for you and your brother to find some happiness in this world. And to be happy, you need to live your truth. We would never judge nobody for who they love, especially not our own boys. We love you son….” His voice trailed, and when he spoke again, it cracked with emotion neither son had ever heard before. “I’m just so sorry the little happiness you had seems to be stolen from you.”
“It’s all so unfair,” Florence lamented.
“But do you think they left because of me?” David asked with desperation.
“Or because of me,” Eli added.
Jim took a deep breath. “No. No boys. You’ve been through enough; I don’t want you to add this to your burdens. We don't know what happened, but I know that Kenny and Amanda loved you like you were their own. The same way your Mom and I loved Nessa and Brady. I am sure it had nothing to do with either of you.”
“Your Dad is right,” Florence concurred. “I just hate this! You’ve lost so much already, and now… you’ve lost more….”
“You’ve lost a lot too, Mom,” Eli reminded.
“We all have… in different ways,” Jim agreed. “But at the end of the day… we have each other… we’ll find a way to make it through. Now, we won’t solve anything else tonight, and it’s very late. Why don’t you two head to bed.”
Eli nodded and embraced his parents, then extended his hand to help David to his feet. Jim and Florence held each other tight as they watched their boys head into their room, and Jim motioned toward their bedroom, where they could talk alone.
“This is so unfair,” she whispered, tears ready to flow over the rim of her eyes. “And now we’re truly alone.”
“I know,” Jim sighed. “But we’re all we need.”
“Are we?” Florence questioned, turning to look at her husband. “Jim, we’re not going live forever; hell, it’s amazing we’ve made it this far. Our boys… they need to have people… they need to have some semblance of a normal life… especially when we’re gone.”
“Florence,” Jim grumbled, “Age doesn’t matter in this world! Truth is, they could be gone before we are. I understand wanting them to have normalcy, a companion or partner, but….”
“But nothing! Their lives have been filled with horrors we could never have imagined. But you always said we kept fighting and didn’t give up because you were fighting for the slightest chance that our boys would find happiness somehow. How do they do that? How do they do that if all they have is you, me, and survival?”
“What’s the alternative?”
“Maybe it’s time we consider a colony.”
“No!”
“Jim, listen to yourself. You can’t think of what’s best for you alone! God willing, our boys will outlive us, and… what kind of life would it be living alone out here? Wondering if every day will be their last without so much as a friend to talk to?”
Jim fell silent. Despite the trials of their world, they built the best life possible. They didn’t have much, but they had what they needed. He and Florence spent more time and were likely closer to their boys than they would have been in the world before. But Jim knew his wife was right. They could provide so much but couldn’t create people, and they couldn’t give them friends or someone to love.
“Why don’t we present this to the boys?” Jim relented. “They’re not children anymore, and we’re talking about their lives; they should have a say.”
Florence nodded. “Yes. They should, but not tonight. We can discuss it in the morning.”
“Jim,” Florence asked sheepishly. “What do you think happened?”
“What do you think?” Jim asked. “I’ve always trusted your intuition.”
“I don’t know,” she replied. “But my gut says they're alive. I don’t… feel them being gone, and I think I would.”
“So do I,” he agreed with a heavy sigh. “I think they left for a colony.”
“But you told the boys….”
“I know what I told the boys. I can’t give them much right now, but I can protect them when I think something would be too much to bear.”
“But wouldn’t they have told us? Said goodbye? The other families did when they left.”
“The other families had little children who had no choice but to go their parent’s way. Nessa and Brady were grown… each apparently falling in love… they could have refused to go and would have been within their right to do so.”
“Which makes even less sense! If they knew the kids were falling in love, why would they pick up and leave now?”
“Because they were falling in love….” Jim replied, his voice marked with sorrow and anger.
“Jim? I can’t speak for Kenny, but Amanda expected Eli and Nessa to end up together. And I don’t think she ever gave thought about Brady and David; it’s not like….”
“Assuming they’d be together and wanting them to be together are two very different things.”
“What… what do you mean?”
Jim ran a hand down his face. “Some time ago, Kenny mentioned moving to a colony, and he asked if we’d consider it too. I said no, and I didn’t understand how he could give up the freedom we have here for that kind of life, and he said….”
Florence took her husband’s hand. “He said….”
“Our children had such limited options for their futures. They were growing up and deserved to have… better choices.”
“Meaning?” she asked, not wanting to hear the truth.
“You know why, Flor. Kenny also mentioned the probability of Eli and Nessa ending up together to me, but he didn’t always sound like he liked it.”
“But Kenny adored the boys, especially Eli!”
“He loved them, sure. I just don’t think he loved the color of their skin. It was fine for a friendship, fine for a protégé, but that’s not who he envisioned as the father of his grandkids.”
“Jim! No! Did Kenny ever say any of this?”
“Not directly,” Jim shook his head sadly. “But I suspected. And the timing… it adds up, though. It was becoming clear that Eli and Nessa were falling. If he figured out they had become… physical… and based on what Eli told us about the days leading up to this….”
“But Jim…” Florence cried. “They loved us.”
Her husband smiled sadly at his wife, wiping a tear running down her cheek.
“That’s when racism hurts the most, baby… when it comes from people who claim to love you.”
“Eight people….” Florence laughed sardonically, “We had eight people in our world, and still this shit happens? A fucking zombie apocalypse, the end of the world, and people can still be this small-minded? This ignorant!”
“Florence,” he said sternly. “This has to stay between us. I don’t want the boys to ever know of this. First, there is a slim chance I’m wrong, but if I’m not… they’re suffering enough, and if they knew….”
“Of course. I’ll never say a word.”
“We have each other,” Jim quavered, eyes filled with tears. “The four of us, we still have each other.”
~~~~~
Eli talked to David for almost an hour before he watched him drift off to sleep. He didn’t know how he managed to do it, but he helped his brother feel a little better. Now, he wished he possessed that magic to heal himself. He climbed into his bed and attempted to get comfortable, finally accepting that comfort wouldn’t come.
Without realizing it, his hand slipped into his pocket. His fingers traced over the small wooden star he gave Nessa, and memories flooded his mind. The day his mother found him making the stars, and the look on her face when he told them they were for Nessa. Nessa was right; everyone knew. Then there was Nessa’s birthday and the way she squealed when she opened his gift. He’d never forget that day or her smile; it was as bright as the very stars that had inspired him. The stars they gazed at together from the time they were children now, they seemed like so much more.
He got up and removed the boarding from his bedroom window. He knew he wasn’t supposed to at night, but right now, he didn’t care. He needed to see the stars as much as he needed to breathe. He wanted to know that something would be constant in this world. He needed to see that he’d have something to look to when he missed her and needed reassurance that she wasn’t a figment of his imagination. She had been here; she was real.
It amazed him that utter joy and devastating sorrow could coexist in him all at once. They were both abundant as he traced constellations against the window’s glass. He looked to the stars for answers, answers that would never come, while in his heart, he repeated a single prayer. He prayed Nessa was all right. That she was somewhere safe, and if it wasn’t too much to ask, he prayed she was looking at the stars, too. He hoped they were making her smile, and she could take comfort in knowing they were looking at the same stars each night. They might never be together again, but they could gaze at the same sky, and no one could take that away.
Eli cried himself to sleep that night, though he never let a single soul know. This world required strength and fortitude; he couldn’t allow for this. This was a luxury he afforded himself just once, and tomorrow it would have to end. But tonight, the tears flowed as he remembered the scared young girl he met after the world collapsed. She was every bit as frightened as him, but together, they felt stronger. They were happy to have a friend, another child to play with, and forget about the horrors of the world for a while. They became each other's respite. Then how they learned to shoot together… how to hunt, and survive. Learning together made it seem less treacherous; they could always count on a laugh. They were each other’s support. Recently, she had been so much more. Who knew two friends could grow in such a way? They could bring each other so much comfort, such pleasure, in a world where there was none.
“It's not fair,” he whispered, low enough that no one would hear.
She was falling in love with him; he saw it in her eyes and smile; he felt it in her kiss. He knew it was true, and he hoped she had seen the same in him. But it was over now, like everything else that came before, and he’d have to accept it and move on.
In the weeks that followed, Eli attempted to talk to David… about Brady, about himself, about embracing who he was. One day, David placed his hand on Eli’s shoulder and sighed.
“Eli,” he said softly, with a smile that never came close to reaching his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. The world consists of four now, and it simply doesn’t matter.”
Eli admired him and adopted that answer as his own, even as he told his brother it wasn’t true. But it was. It was true for him, and he needed to remind himself of it each day.
Eli never stopped thinking of Nessa. When he saw her favorite flowers bloom in the spring, he’d smile. He was lucky to have her. They were fortunate to have a best friend and grow up together, but it was never anything more. The very thought was laughable. Nessa was right; they had no choice.
At times he’d walk past the path that led to her old cabin, and he swore he heard her laugh. Nessa had been a friend. But she was gone now. The same way all things would be gone one day. He wondered if he’d have another friend again, then thought, no. He wouldn’t allow it even if he could. For what? He knew how it would end.
He kept the lone wooden star atop his dresser now and looked at it when he needed to recall a simpler time. It was some of his best work, he said. That’s why he kept it there; there was no need to make more of something that would never be. Instead, he focused on the minutes, the precious moments that they once shared that made a cruel world slip away. But it was over now.
One day, his mom found him staring at the trinket, and she recognized his thoughtful gaze. Smiling wistfully, she wrapped her arm around Eli and smiled.
“Penny for your thoughts, son? What are you thinking of?” she asked.
Eli turned to his mother and offered her the most authentic smile he could muster.
“Doesn’t matter, Ma,” he whispered. “It doesn’t matter.”
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Updated for the current score. We're up from around 304k to 331k. I want to say it wasn't that bad, but...it was.
Vs. Misty (SS Kris, Eevee Lyra, Archie) The team did not change, but my ambition did. 450 strength is viable, even with Lyra and Archie at 2/5. I imagine 3/5 just lets them run train on this entire fight, not that I'm willing to candy Lyra when I need all the Eeveelutions to 3/5. Tech is rare, girl, we're just gonna suffer through it. The main draw is accuracy debuffs. Get a few of them in, and Blizzard is now running on fairly high odds to just miss you. Lyra is more critical to keep around than Archie once the sides are down, which can be achieved shortly after foe's first sync. Provided Lyra is in good condition, her own sync and some compressed Muddy Water can get the job done.
Vs. Marlon (Lodge Adaman, Tech Gyarados, NC Serena) Full disclosure, I have not updated anything about this fight, but it's the one I'm looking at next. I fully believe it is possible to hit 450 strength, and net an extra 3k points thanks to confuse. Serena can get Flabbergast on Brutal Swing, and can flinch AoE with it. A good opening roll gets us both effects, and starts her match off strong. I'm considering dropping Gyarados for Blastoise for the more assured confuse, but I don't think it's a great idea. More importantly, accuracy cheese can matter in this fight, so I'm thinking about Brutal Swing as a possible solution overall. I'm not saying her Dark sync would do better, but I am saying I'm thinking about it.
Vs. Lana (SS Blue, Eusine, Dojo Gloria) I opted to EX both Eusine and Dojo Gloria this morning, and then set them to work against Lana. Well, okay, first I set them to work against Nessa, but then I realized I should swap. Gloria has Fighting, which is strong against Lana, while Lysandre's burn is good against Nessa specifically. To be truthful, so long as the right didn't lead with Hydro Pump, Blue handles himself fine. Gloria in particular is really strong, but oddly, Eusine's the bigger win today. I pushed him to 3/5, and let me tell you, Buddy Surf and that full sync is pretty impressive in a mode like this. The man gets it done, and it's a huge help considering Gloria's single-target focus. Big fan. I did consider, briefly, the possibility of 500 strength. But that doesn't feel too assured. Also, Blue needs to land a 20% for confuse. It's pretty important.
Vs. Nessa (Swimsuit Misty, May, SS Lysandre) Gauge issues, thy name is Lysandre. This one was rough just because of the gauge problems, but it is possible to solve them. May's Racing Rain passive does help enough to keep them cycling. The important bits here are the accuracy debuff of Muddy Water, Lysandre's sync to finish off sides more reliably, and perhaps most critically, Lysandre being 5/5 now because I told you that fucking Dojo Gloria banner would get me! EVERY TIME WITH THIS GUY. Fortunately the special defense drops may be what let us wrap up before dying horrifically. The attack buffs softened Earthquake to live some hits, too. My only regret is not having confuse present, but I can't switch this up.
Vs. Archie (Lana, Hilbert, Kris) No change. If I were to try Blastoise over Gyarados on the NC Serena match, this is why. I think, though am not confident, that swapping out Hilbert for Gyarados might result in better performance what with the rain. The downside is I'd almost definitely need to EX Lana. The lack of support EX puts Kris' damage too far back, and Lana doesn't take hits well enough to survive that long without. Especially if we're going with Rain, which powers up Archie too. This feels like the most hopeless fight. I did see someone take it out at 450 strength with Lana, Swimsuit Misty, and Kris, but like...listen, I don't think that's a good idea on my end. It's a great solution for people trying to get one huge score to meet minimum requirements, but Swimsuit Misty feels very necessary on my end. There's also the unfortunate reality that neither comp can get us a confuse in. Crasher Wake would be the only remaining solution, but I don't really care to do that.
Overview 330k feels alright, given we're in top 200 at present. With an entire week left, I have no doubt I'll be pushed out of that bracket, but I'm satisfied regardless. I don't feel like putting in the resources, or the time, that would be necessary to compete at top 100. I'm not even sure I could. The current cutoff score is 344,658. I'd need at least 13k more points, which...look, maybe Marlon could shill out about half of that, but drawing another 7k from anywhere feels distinctly impossible without EXing Lana, and putting in a lot more for resets that I don't like doing. But there's another, perhaps more significant reason to not go for better.
This score gives me powerup tickets in a multiple of 5.
...what? Yes, that's important! You use them in increments of 20/25/30/35, there's absolutely no reason to have an amount ending in a number that isn't 0 or 5! What am I going to do if I break into top 100, have some meaningless boast and an awkward number of resources? What if I wind up using everything that's possible to use and have only like 7 left? Who does that?! Everyone's going to judge my awkward, unusable amount of tickets! I won't have it!
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The Crash, or The House That YouTube Built
It’s quiet this morning. It’s been quiet for weeks. Or maybe it’s been months? The calendar on the wall has been used more in the last seven months than probably any calendar we’ve owned. It hangs next to the fridge with a little post-it note that hovered over the twenty first that read in all caps “Dr. Theisen, 8AM!” From my spot at the kitchen table I squinted to find the date. The smell of coffee wafted through but it hadn’t quite kicked in for me. Today’s the tenth. It’s been exactly nine months. I’ve never been a good judge of the passage of time, especially without all of my automatic synced calendar alerts from before The Crash.
At first it was a crisis. Not to me, but to my wife Vanessa. I’ve always had a healthy aversion to the internet but to her the panic from the sudden loss of the invisible network that wove us all together was palpable. In the hours following The Crash it seemed easy for her to distract herself with shopping and admiring herself in the mirror but after the twentieth hour her efforts were something more…. Desperate. She asked me to take her phone so she wouldn’t obsessively check it, then took a melatonin and lain in bed, staring at the ceiling. She dreamt about hitting 3 million followers on Instagram. When she woke to the still-same status of The Crash she was crushed.
I remember how she put on that fake high voice she uses when she’s not okay. “Oh! Well, I’ll just… go for a run I guess”. She hadn’t actually ‘gone for a run’ since senior year for P.E. exams, though her feed would tell a different story. So many photos of her in running gear. So many hours meticulously feigning a runner’s sweat with glycerin and posing in athleisure for the camera. Her announcement to go on a run was cautious, and almost nervous. I didn’t laugh at her. I simply nodded and tried to keep my eyebrows from betraying my surprise. Be cool. Don’t make it a thing. “Okay, babe. Don’t forget your water bottle.” For a moment she perked up. She was cheered by the reminder of the branded posh water bottle, an item she’d received only the week before as a PR package. I went back to my book as I heard her fill the bottle in the kitchen and left out the front door. She came back in a better mood to proudly show off the most genuine selfies I’d ever seen from her, but her overall antsiness continued. Those small pick-me-ups as reminders of her importance grew fewer and more distant as The Crash became a greater reality.
Vanessa Moore is the beautiful woman I have called my wife these past seven years. I don’t remember quite how or when she became fully attached to her fame or phone, but it happened slowly. First she Marie Kondo’d all her favorite souvenir national park t-shirts, then the spare room became a filming room, then she went blonde, and then one day I found myself picking her up an outpatient clinic for a procedure she swore would make her happy. It all seemed so linear to me now, how I lost my wife to the internet personality she’d rather be. The word they use for someone with that great of a following is ‘influencer’ but I cringe to think of my Nessa like that. She used to be so different. I didn’t used to be an Instagram Husband. I couldn’t have been more relieved that The Crash happened, to be honest it probably saved my marriage. My wife wouldn’t share my opinion. I held that secret thought as bitterly as my coffee tasted in my cooling mug.
The first six months were rocky for us. I couldn’t conceal my annoyance at being constantly asked to take photos for an audience that was lost in the ether. More importantly, Nessa discovered something that rocked her world– her sudden loss of connection to the sycophants she called fans and community left her lonely and depressed. Somewhere along the way her self confidence had been replaced by relying on validation from faceless interactions. I bet that even that some of those interactions came from bots, but she missed them all the same. It’s been hard. She still has dreams about hitting 3 mil. Her therapist says she has PTSD and FOMO, the second of which I cannot help but doubt is a technical term. As baffling as it was, we’re still coming to terms with what that means. For Vanessa that means she has to find meaningful things to do, and learn new skills. She’s enrolled in school for a real degree…. .. this is where I have to stop myself. Reframe. She has a real degree– Online Influence Marketing. She’s just getting one that is more relevant to the post-Crash economy now. I can hear Dr Theisen’s voice in my head correcting me. “Mr. Moore, despite benefiting for your wife’s influence you don’t really respect her, do you?” That question still felt like a punch to the gut, followed by deep and immediate shame. I benefited from the free vacations, home that YouTube bought, the brand spokesperson discounts, the random PR boxes that arrived on our doorstep. I couldn’t deny that my wife had worked hard to paint a picture on her social media of a… ‘bossbabe’. That word still makes me shudder. It all seemed so vapid and empty to me. If The Crash hadn’t happened, would I still be here? I constantly asked myself that question, steeped in guilt.
Nessa’s voice in the hall broke me out of my shudder. “Babe?” “Yeah, hon?” I raised my head to look her direction. Morning rays from my nook window played on her face. Her eyes were heavily lidded, her blonde hair and dark roots a mess, but still a welcome sight after all these months. She wore a long tee with GLACIER emblazoned across the front in faded letters. I could’ve sworn that used to be my shirt, though I hadn’t seen it in years. Her voice came again, this time softer. “I had a dream.” Dr. Theisen said that was common after devastating loss. Recurring dreams that haunted the broken. I stretched out my hand to her and she took my hand, folding herself into my arms to perch on my lap and curl into me. Her heart beat felt unsteady through my shirt. “The three million again?” That’s the only dream she ever had. Her head shook slightly against my shoulder. Her voice was so quiet I strained to hear her before the silence of the kitchen swallowed it up. “You left me.” The guilt came back to me again with a roaring vengeance. “Oh, Nessa. No, honey. I’m right here”. I held her tight. The pain in my gut was visceral, twisting and searing up a rebuke at me. The smell of coffee drifted through the kitchen but was completely forgotten. The wetness from her cheeks smeared against my shoulder and that twisting deep in my chest amplified. “No, no, no. Sssshh. You’re ok,” I whispered to her. Now I could hardly get the words out. You bastard. You coward. You would have. I croaked out another reassurance and I felt a tear fall from my face too, my breath caught on the lump in my throat. She dreamt of you. I lifted her chin to look her in the eyes. With a thumb I wiped away her tears. I nearly lost you. “Vanessa Moore, I have not left you. Shhhh baby, I’m right here.” I hugged her tight again. You’re still in there. I’m still here. I nearly lost you, but I’m still here. The Crash ruined so many lives but it saved mine. I couldn’t ever tell her. I couldn’t ever tell her that The Crash may have left her nothing… but it had given me back everything.
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Maybe Nessa was silly to try to avoid Esme when she had always been so kind and friendly. at the very least, they seemed well suited to be best friends. And with rent prices going up, moving out of their stabilized apartment seemed like a bad idea, so they'd likely be together for a while. Most importantly, she didn't want Esme to think she didn't like her when that was so far from the truth.
"Oh, so not the kind of thing where you'll need to hold me to make me feel safe?" she blurted out, making her thoughts a little too obvious. "But I mean, if it's a tradition of yours I think it's really sweet that you'd want to share it with me. Maybe I can thank you by making the popcorn and getting you a drink?" she said more sweetly as if it could erase her previous statement.
Esme enjoyed spending time with Nessa a great deal. It was something that she was worried that she made a little too obvious. At least for Esme's sake, Nessa didn't let on that she minded. Esme just couldn't help but be drawn to the other's energy and everything that went with it. Esme just didn't act on it because she'd never been the best when it came to making the first move. All the confidence she pretended to have only went so far.
"Well, that's the great thing about Halloweentown." Esme explained with a soft smile. "It's not a scary movie. It's more of a feels-good cute movie about a girl finding out that she's a witch. It's a bit of a classic honestly, and I try to watch it every year if I can."
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i made such a fucking stupid mistake when talking to my parents at dinner i literally want to die
#relaying the events of the day and it slipped out that my best friend (producer man ive been talking abt)’s boyfriend called me a banana on#account of my being part chinese but raised in australia or what have u and my dad goes well thats racist#and like its not rly yknow like this man is chinese and im only part chinese and dont speak the language and was raised in australia and#on and on but more importantly is the fact that my dad keeps trying to raise equivalents to racism#like he wants nonwhite ppl saying something about white ppl to be ‘racist’ because white ppl saying something abt nonwhite ppl is#and he just doesnt understand its different and i tried to talk to him about it the other day and it didnt work#and so my mum goes ‘nessas going 2 sit u down one day and explain it all’ and EYE went ‘im not’#when technically i SHOULD and i will have to because no one else is going to do it and it shouldnt fall to my mum but i fucking hate it i#hate it i hate it why is this such a problem why can he not just fucking understand or put some effort into understanding#he is not racist on a big scale ofc but he will do things like this and for whatever reason theres been a few things like this in the past m#month and he needs to fucking stop and i dont know how to get him to and i want to die#i barely ever bring up race or whatever bc its such a loaded topic so i dont know why i was so stupid tonight (v v tired)#my parents r probably in the most stable point of their relationship they have ever been in and this could very well blow it all the fuck up#and that would be justified on my mums part#ive just had it ive had enough#AND THE THING IS IM NOW JUST GOING TO LEAVE NEXT YEAR???? leave my baby sibling w all this ?????#its too much i cant do it#and like idk !!!!!! its all so much i hate it all so much as if i didnt feel guilty enough abt not being chinese enough or indian enough or#fucking ! australian enough !!!!#dont mind me im fine#this isnt that big a problem realistically
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carpe diem
when it came to your friend, you had little regard for anything, even yourself. what happened to abattouy should never have occurred, and you were determined to prove why.
cyno x gn!reader
rating: t
wc: 30k+
a/n: so cyno … amirght? this fic would literally not be here without nessa. you have no idea what i put her through in the background. someone come save her. spoilers for tighnari story quest for sure. bunch of lore tidbits from 3.0.
[also available to read on ao3] [or read it in parts]
sumeru, nation rooted in the growth of knowledge, nurtured its most promising seeds under the observance of the akademiya. in pursuit of their own goals and by the faith of greater lord rukkhadevata, scholars pledged their souls to the never ending race in pursuit of the next revelation of knowledge.
and frankly, it was a tiring venture.
most scholars sought out lost tombs of history, the understanding of ley lines or simply the wisdom of the gods. as a child, you'd grown up on foreign stories and toy machines from the lands of snezhnaya after a traveling merchant had given into your curious palms. you recall threading your small and nimble fingers into the grooves of the ancient renditions, memorizing the gear placements. your personal thirst for knowledge was deeply seated in the desire to learn how every individual part came together. it was just when your seed began to sprout, that you learned why your beloved toys were only obtained through a small gesture of friendliness from far lands. the akademiya frowned on the very existence of mechanical beings, feeling that life had advanced beyond the need for sentience bound to whirling gears. the age of technology and innovation was the gift from the gods, present in the akasha device. what need was there for the past? adaptiveness and the will of your mentor was what carried you through the final years of your scholarship; that and an obstinate botany student whom you befriended against the odds. you became a respectable scholar of the kshahrewar (technology) where your workshop found home in the port of ormos. most of your days were dedicated to your own side projects and tinkering with customer complaints. your employment through the akademiya was purely out of collaboration between the institution and the forest rangers as a joint effort to assist in the containment of the withering zones. the institution was eager to work with their twice-self removed star pupil and tighnari was always in need of additional resources. and well, it was you. the sidekick to his backstory though considered in a more favorable light by the fox himself. but there was no doubting that it was through his merits that you remained relevant under speculation of the akademiya. more importantly, it was through tighnari that you met him. the great general mahamantra who once regarded your friend with distrust, for scholars who retained knowledge outside of akademiya supervision were those considered most dangerous. in the same way tighnari shattered your walls of doubt, he tore down the barrier corralling cyno in solitude. proving that not all who sought out knowledge were limited by their threat levels. but you. you just laughed at his jokes. and for him, that was the explanation enough.
“hm, and you're sure it can maintain the temperatures i input?”
dragging your wrist across your damp forehead, you lean back away from your work if only for the sake of catching a stray breeze. unfortunately, any opportunity was blocked by tighnari's incessant hovering.
the ranger had managed to leave you on your own for fifteen to twenty minute intervals at best while you configured the terrarium device. what started off as a heartfelt idea to gift a friend on his birthday was becoming a thorn in your side.
“yes, tighnari. i even grew one of those sweet flowers in it to test for you.”
the man above scoffed, ears twitching as an afterthought, “you grew a weed? that's hardly comforting. you can grow those in the trash.''
your brow pinched as the wrench flexed in your palm; a short pause away from launching it at his head. he was really beginning to strike your nerves, birthday boy or not. “why don't i just throw this thing in there along with it?”
“no, no, it does look promising.”
his gaze darts down briefly and he catches your exasperated expression. his ears drop slightly at the implications of his spectacle. “sorry, i am grateful, truly. you just know how i am about plants.”
sighing, you rolled to your feet, eager to get off your knees after an hour of labour.
“yes, they're your babies. i know. which is why i spent a lot of my free time developing this for you.” his ears flickered at the not so quiet jackass that left your lips.
“and i appreciate it very, very much.” the fox grinned sheepishly, guilty eyes seeking forgiveness. it was a losing battle attempting to hold out. the moment a hint of a returning smile curved at your lips he knew he'd won.
he was at least graceful enough not to laugh in the face of victory, though the mirth on his face was not lost. “sorry for eating up your shop time, especially when you have other projects to focus on.” to that you wave off as you gathered your stray tools. it had been quite awhile since you'd had anything to call a proper 'project'. most of your days had been busy work with customer orders repairing coffee machines or personal side quests like this. tighnari helped keep the akademiya at bay by feeding you fresh knowledge on the withering zones allowing you to satisfy their interests while you attempted to refunction your purpose. it … had been hard when your workshop that once housed two downsized. abbatouy had been more than a fellow scholar after sharing your childhood love for ancient machines. in a society where just the mention of them was a plausible crime, it was nice to know someone still favored the legend beyond your favorite toy. but abbatouy had done more than simply believed in the history, he made it his goal to revive the slumbering giants and employ their aid to further advance sumeru. determined but mindful of your proximity to his research, abattouy had done his best to keep you free of the consequences. but in a city where knowledge was power, the misuse of it rarely went unnoticed. if only it had been your silence and not the opposite. upon being stripped of his scholarship, your friend had disappeared beyond the city limits undetectable by anyone. it had been nearly two years since that day, though you never stopped seeking out information. biting your lip, you tentatively ask,”you still haven't heard anyone of abattouy?” the sound that leaves the ranger's lips is aged yet still kind as he regards you with sympathy,” the forest has not been suitable for extended living for years. we haven't seen anything more permanent than a few student research tents.” his brow furrows at the thought,” even then we urge them on if they linger more than a few days.” you suspected as much, but beyond tighnari, there were few people you could ask. news of him settling in aaru village would have reached you by now. “he just disappeared. not even a letter telling me where he was going.” the last you'd seen of him was at a distance during his trial hearing. you'd been brought in to testify at the beginning but regardless of your words the sentence had already been passed the moment the matra were involved. he was worrying, thinking of him on his own like that. at some point he needed to find civilization for the sole purpose of obtaining his medications. hearing nothing of his visits from the bimarstan had only increased your concerns. due to his heart condition, it was tantamount that he stayed on top of it. tighnari's hand finds your shoulder with a reassuring squeeze,” it's probably for the best. he didn't want to bring you down with him.” “yeah, that's what cyno implied,” you muttered, unable to avoid the stale bitter taste of resentment. few people envied your close relation to the general mahamantra, even less scholars who feared even the mention of his name. but to you, it had always been just cyno. a first then a lover as you grew to know the man behind the mask. he was someone you always felt that you could confide in, which was a small pool given your proximity to the very man who could end the careers of any scholar at the akademiya. not that it bothered you, between him and tighnari, your hands were full as it was. it had been a stretch of faith than had left more than one soul stranded. the aftermath of abbatouy's expulsion … had not been easy on the relationship. there was plenty of blame and fear permitting the household you shared with cyno. to escape, he spent more than the scheduled hours working and you escaped to the forest.
tighnari hated every day of it, torn between two stubborn individuals set in their morals. “he knew what he was getting into with that research,” tighanri's words were a rolling record of advice you'd never shake off. “Which was why he kept you out of it. it was inevitable. cyno just wants to keep you safe as well.” the fox's voice eases into something lighter, hopeful even, “besides we can't afford for you to get kicked out. then you'd end up with me.” recognizing the jest, you feed into the request for a transition out of whatever had come to hang over the pair. it was his birthday after all. finding a grin wasn't as hard as it felt,” that doesn't sound too bad. we could be roommates.” the scowl perched on his lips was expected, even as you laugh, thankful for the distraction. regardless of the akademiya's reign, you would always find comfort in tighnari's kingdom. “anyway, don't forget, you promised to join us for dinner this weekend.” tighnari pretended not to notice the various amount of notes pinned against his wall that he most certainly did not leave. there was no denying that his frequent check ins were well intended. he shuddered to think what he'd find under his bed. “i'll be there.”
the following days blended together like any other. you found little comfort in the hustle and bustle of the port side as you rummaged around in your workshop listlessly. to the best of your ability, you repurposed the free space to use it rather than be forced to acknowledge the emptiness. in truth, it was a disorganized mess, an accumulation of abandoned projects and scattered tools. cyno liked to bring it up in passing whenever he stopped by. but you held on that it was a project in itself, something you'd focus on when the time was right. which wasn't exactly a form of avoidance. occasionally you'd dig into the mess just to shake it up a bit. at least when someone else observed it, they could note some kind of change. lost in the idleness of your boredom, you decide to do just that as you near the clutter. if enough time was spent, there were a few designs that come back to the light and show some promise. the akademiya was all about exploration of new knowledge, but few things were obtained by one mind alone. despite your innocence, few scholars willing chose to partner with you. though, that was a fact you faced well before abattouy. he'd been one of the few undeterred by your close relations with the matra. it said something for one to be so confident in their studies that not even the fear of being caught would sway them. in another time, abatouuy's story might have been different. crouching near the apex of the rubble, you work free, a familiar construct. it had been a frivolous project, a mixology machine that had come to fruition after hearing tales from mondstat. abattouy loved to berate the lack of drinks present at the tavern, hailing that he could come up with his own creations to rival it. safe to say neither of you had the slightest clue about the trade. in the end abbattouy had been too proud to bargain it off at the tavern. the memory brought a smile to your face. tucking a stray hair behind your ear, you reach out to tug the device free—only to be given a brief warning before the the weight of its neighbors tumbled around it. it was a good thing that none of these had any owners, given the rubble of the aftermath was sure to leave a few dents and dings. “well abattouy,” you tugged free a bent stick of metal. “there goes the sumpter scratcher. those poor beast…'' that idea had definitely come after a night of too many drinks. you recalled stumbling back into the workshop after being patiently escorted from the tavern to find yourselves back here with too many tools and imagination for miles. it was how most of the best projects came about, with plenty of laughter to spare. it was a shame how the same sound resounded so hollow now. the bottom of the bunch hadn't been spared the brunt of the fall. with more consideration, you carefully extracted one of the crooked pieces of metal. whatever it had been, was now warped beyond its expectations. curious you turned it over, interest peaked at the sound of something rattling inside. you didn't recognize the design. it appeared to still be in the first stages of welding, nothing more than an unsuspecting tin box. upon abattouy's expulsion, you'd been barred from the workshop for the amount of days it took for them to clear out anything pertaining to forbidden knowledge. it had been a through dive that resulted in most of his inventions being confiscated. but it appeared not all was lost. before its demise, it was likely too unsuspecting to discern its purpose. “I wonder what he planned for you?” the trapped contents teased your peakes interest more as you wedged a tool between the split edge to force it open. after some effort in conjunction with the forces of physics, the box cracked revealing a single notebook. one you definitely recognised. it was abattouy's. a single comment of his collection of scattered thoughts and sketches. neither of you had been given any warning before his seizure, the matra rarely giving anyone time to prepare. the fact that this one had been tucked away in preparation was surprising. a quick flip through the material gave an inkling of why. you hadn't spent much time pursuing his research, partly by his insistence. but you knew enough to know this was filled with enough knowledge to prosecute you just for holding it. 'if he knew it was here, why did he never come for it?'
perhaps he considered that nothing was spared? but even then— a sharp knock against the door was all the warning you got before it began to creep open. in a flurry of movement, you snapped the book close and snuck it back under the rubble. by the time you stumbled to your feet, you were greeted by haldr. “hi!”, you winced at the squeak of your voice before recovering with a cough,”right, how can i help?”
“sorry, i know you're busy.” you waved off the speech. it was what most people liked to start with ever since abbatouy had left. the workshop had primarily functioned as a place of residence for the two of you to gain 'community hours', backing your research through countless days of tinkering with differing projects brought to your doorstep. after graduating to the next stage, the two of you decided to keep it, both of you still holding on to the desire to give back to the area in a way.
you still had a lab space at the akademiya for your more sensitive projects that needed supervision, but for the most part you were allowed to remain. “it's fine, really. what do you have for me?” the man stumbled over the threshold, balancing a coffee machine to his chest. haldr had a penchant for over explaining the cause of the issue before rounding to the actual problem. he was the owner of the respectable cafe stall here in port ortmos. prior, he had begun as an intern under enteka, the acting manager of pupsa cafe in sumeru city before branching out on his own. you were patient throughout the entire ordeal, more so happy for the distraction as your mind wandered in the background. when you took the device from him, his gaze wandered to the darker corners of the shop. haldr was a frequent customer, so like most, he knew what it had been. “a lot of us were surprised that you stuck around. we're grateful for all you do—both of you did. we didn't want to overwhelm you.” a soft smile pulls at your lips at the sentiment. “trust me, any distraction is a good one.” with a well executed twist of your wrench, you sealed the compartment back and handed it off. “just don't tell my mentor.”
your disposition seemed to put him at ease as he clutched the device gratefully. you'd given up fighting off the insistence as he forced a small pocket of coins into your palm. “i promise to be more careful. as always, coffee is on the house. thank you!” it was here that abattouy would wait for the door to close before giving you that look. the one that indicated that we would be seeing him sooner than later. haldr was a kind soul with an erratic forgetful mind. the two of you liked to joke about how different he had to have been before he was introduced to caffeine. abattouy had been right to avoid introducing the man to anything more advanced. unable to resist, your gaze darted back over to the pile you'd hastily tossed the book under. while you'd never stopped thinking of the man, there wasn't much past speculation you could summarise on his whereabouts. upon concluding the trial, he'd just vanished. without a trace or final word. you knew cyno had as much knowledge as you did. it was his resistance against tracking the man that led to the heart of much of your banter then. eventually you just had to settle that if abattouy wanted to be found, he knew where you were and that was that. except now it wasn't. before you could think better of it, you tugged book free and returned to your desk. abattouy had his moments, but he rarely did anything without reason. he must have had intentions of returning to get it but never had the opportunity. with every step scrutinized, you couldn't blame him. you cock your head to the side, distractedly twisting a wrench in one hand while your other flips idly through the notebook. the deeper you got into the text the more disbelief you felt about the entire situation. you'd initially supported abattouy because he was your friend. in the heat of the moment, it didn't matter if he was wrong or right. he was a single individual against an institution with your lover holding the banner. it had been almost instinctual to be in his courtyard. but now you were realizing you weren't cheering for a losing team at all, it was just an unfair playing field. this … these notes, the ideas and speculations. abattouy was something well above the fears that got the topic banned. sure, the notations of ley line activity was sketchy but he was actively exploring all routes around it. the man just wanted to help. if these mechanical beings could make a single job more efficient he felt complete. but he wasn't just about the tasks, he wanted the machines to feel accomplished too. he wanted to breathe new life. and there wasn't a hint of cruelty anywhere in his methods. the sages had to have seen this and they still denied him the opportunity to try. throwing your head back, you tested the balance of your chair as you stared up at the ceiling. for nearly two years you just sat around toying with the what ifs. and now- what if you'd found this sooner. what if you'd discovered this before he'd left. what if you'd asked the right questions and gotten him to open up to you before it all went sideways. well you had an answer to the last query. you'd both likely have been expelled. but would that have been so bad? tighnari surely managed just fine. sure he still had the respect but that meant as much to him as the dirt he walked on. and cyno- you shook your head at the thought. things were settled between the two of you now. there was no need to shake up past deductions for the sake of assumptions. past you supported your friend. but the same individual wouldn't have been able to give up the love of your life. yes, cyno's dedication to the job had been frustrating at the time. but you'd never forget seeing the fear staining those vermilion eyes when you'd first stepped between him and abattouy. because of course, he'd been the one to retrieve the man for trial. in that moment, cyno dreaded the worst; uncertain if he'd be shackling more than one body that evening. then abattouy had stepped around you, not sparing you a single glance as he offered his compliance. he may have lost his tenure but he gained the gratitude of the mahamantra. though it did little in his favor. biting into your bottom lip, your gaze flickered back down to the notebook. you hadn't always been skeptical of the akademiya. the institute had trained you, equipped you with knowledge, skills and relationships that would span a lifetime.
but it wasn't perfect. setting the wrench aside, you focused your full attention on the text. there wasn't a chance that you could prove it, not with the worship surrounding the institution. but maybe there was still a chance for you to find your friend. the clues to abattouy's disappearance had to be in his research. if you could just trace his path you'd eventually end up in the same spot right? you weren't intending to actually attempt to develop sentient machines, you just needed to look into it a bit. maybe locate resources, old workshop sites, anything that would have garnered his attention.
you decide to close up shop early that day after your last scheduled customer. you were well ahead of the time limit on your other projects and opted to take a trip to the library instead. for the last three hours you hadn't managed to do anything other than pour over the tattooed notebook anyway. it was best to at least decipher some of the information before attempting while there was enough daylight remaining for the trip.
the building wasn't as busy as it could be. a few students lingered, faces you couldn't place if you tried. and you were no tighnari, something he'd proudly second, so not many recognized you either. an auspicious advantage that kept you from under the lens of a camera.
“hey yusef.”
there was one that you could identify without the assistance of your akasha device. the man turned at the sound of his name and offered a quiet smile. yusef had been a junior of yours by year or two but managed to climb in academic standing since you began distancing yourself from the akademiya.
upon graduation, you gravitated toward independent research rather than working towards a mentor route. you were fortunate enough to still be in contact with your advisor, though since the incident there was less to say. there were very few machine researches, both parts in lack of information and the inability to seek more. the few that did exist functioned as civil engineers at best, working to keep the city running.
yusef, you remembered, was seeking out an internship as a scribe. apparently facilitating the library services was a step towards it. snorting, you shook away the echoing snide comment that sounded a lot like tighnari bouncing around your head. it was for the best that he didn't visit the institute often. it was rare that he had anything nice to say about it.
yusef returned your greeting but neither of you had enough history to hold a conversation. it was fine with you. the library wasn't foreign to you so navigating wasn't a struggle.
until it was.
you knew machine research was limited but not so severely. back in your student years, you recalled finding a small pocket of books on ancient anatomy of machines but now you could not even locate the index. surely that hasn't removed all signs of mechanical life forms. the biggest enemy of restriction was curiosity. how else did history manage to repeat itself.
eventually, you rounded back to the beginning of the shelf. initially you'd moved on autopilot, waking the same aisles you had in the past. but apparently that wasn't good enough.
reluctantly you tapped against the device at your ear.
'show me literature of ancient machines.'
you waited patiently for the response, gaze flickering around the remainder of the building. had it really been that long since the two of you sat huddled in the recesses? surely life couldn't be moving that quickly.
though the answer to that was as glaring as the reason you were here remaining in the first place. the sudden shift in vision color disrupted your reflection as your gaze narrowed at the red words.
'restricted access. approval required'
“really,” you muttered dryly. as if that wouldn't give someone ideas. they could have just said 'no information available'. but you supposed that would have been a lie. in sumeru, just about any amount of knowledge was accessible with the right resources.
and for this apparently you were just missing the key. that should be easily obtainable enough. you were no exemplary star by their standards but you pulled enough weight to have a say in the engineering department; the few times you bothered to show up at the meetings. but being invited was enough of a gesture of credentials for you.
you found yourself back at the desk staring down at a perplexed library attendant.
“restricted access?”
tighnari was truly a terrible influence if the first thing that came to the tip of your tongue was a comical mimicry of the same question thrown back at you. it was fortuitous that you were the most mannered of the two. an indisputable title when you were the only one here to defend it.
you bared a grin as you refrain from expressing your emotions by the drum of your fingertips against the countertop. “i'd like to look into some literature that i don't recall having an issue having access to in the past. but now it's unavailable. how do i remedy that?”
this was surely a question he must have gone through in his orientation. but you had a feeling he was more trained to explain to students why they couldn't have access, not responding to seniors trying to gain it.
the poor boy seemed flustered by his lack of polished response,” you would need to request it. um- through the administrative office. they review it from there. i should have a form in the back for you to fill out. you would just need to list the books.”
nope too long. and likely would raise more questions that you were prepared to answer. at least until you got some explanations of your own.
looks like you were doing this … under the table.
you flashed him a smile with a courtesy tap of your palm against the desk. “you know what, no need. must not be for me.” visibly sagged in relief. apparently there was more to it than just presenting a form.
that was okay. you were blessed with advantages not many could boast. so why not utilise them. being in a relationship with the mahamantra wasn't as luxurious as some made it appear— well that was a subjective opinion depending on the perspective.
students were reasonably intimidated by the very idea of uttering your lover's title. it hovered like the low hanging shadow of an old wives tale; as if mentioning it was enough to bring him to their doorsteps.
but others not restricted by the harsh rules of the akademiya, at least where their livelihood was intertwined, found it to be a respectable position. the matra was a symbol of integrity. where the corps of thirty protected the streets, the matra overlooks the blessing of the god herself, knowledge.
to you, the general was just a simple man who favored rice and meats. perhaps simple was unfair. cyno had traveled to mondstat in the span of three days in his youth to save a young girl. for some that would be enough to root the seeds of worship.
it helped that he was a little more than moderately attractive.
your ears perked at the sound of the door unlocking. a warmth of contentment overshadowed the relief of guessing his schedule right. years of being in a relationship could never dwindle of the glee of having him home. even when you had additional plans for him.
it was interesting adjusting to the life of a living with the general. he didn't have a traditional schedule like most positions. he overlooked the entirety of academic integrity and appeared to have eyes everywhere. you remembered when he accepted the position, a title passed down but no less valuable.
idiots in love was an odd heading to hover over cyno's head but in that moment it have been all too fitting. the way you'd aged into maturity has been respectable, without the loss of affection despite the bumps.
“smells good.”
you looked up as cyno tugged off the infamous jackal headpiece and shook out the slightly humid triggered frizz of silver locs underneath. you repressed a snort when he frowned as one got snagged. apparently the sound wasn't as quiet as you imagined.
cyno's gaze narrowed as you took him in appreciatively, but the soft concerns of his lips offset any concerns. he lay the uniform neatly over the back of the chair before sliding behind you. you were ready for the pressure of his hands against your sides but still managed to jump at the different temperature of his sun kissed heat and the cool chill of the house.
“hi,” you muttered softly as you leaned into the hold. your head titled enough to meet him in a kiss.
“hi,” he echoed, lips now traversing the curve of your jaw. well, safe to say it was a decent workday.
with the free hand not smoothing over the back of the hand holding your waist, you moved the food off the heat. “want to get changed? it's about ready.”
cyno's thumb circled your stomach through your shirt thrice before he nodded in agreement, no doubt ready to hang up the mahamatra for the night. it was truly an earlier night than usual for him. you'd taken a gamble with your expectations. some nights his greetings would rouse you from a light slumber hours after you'd settled in. it would follow with an apology before he relaxed against you only to be gone before you roused the next morning.
cyno took his job seriously and you respected that. but it was nice to see him take it easy every now and again.
he returned to a table set as you poured a glass of his favorite wine. a silver brow rose as he watched you fill the glass, no doubt reading into the implication. you only offered a grin as you settled in the chair next to him. for now you would enjoy a shared meal as few as they came of late.
it didn't take much for you both to avoid tales of work. each of you experienced enough in the city to detail the less mundane parts of your days. cyno was retelling a brief discussion he'd had with tighnari's father while crossing the desert into aaru village while you stored away the leftovers for him to take tomorrow.
“but i want to know what i did to deserve this?”
rolling your eyes playfully, you placed the packaged food in reach beyond the cabinet doors but safely out of range of ali. the said feline thief was happily scarfing down the leftovers you'd spared. no doubt adding to the plushness he'd picked up over the years, something you were both a culprit and a teaser of when stroking his furry belly.
passing by cyno, you dropped a kiss to the top of his head, narrowly avoiding his attempt to capture you as you stored away the corked bottle. “you always deserve it, you're a wonderful partner.”
it was true. in your haste and vulnerable state the two of you had hashed out the worst of what his job could do to you. it has been the first time it had come between you and neither had been prepared for the downfall. with time, it has been a tumble you'd managed to recover from.
vermillion eyes followed you with a glint of amusement tinged with faint disbelief. so you were a bit of a favor counter. so what. it was a healthy system for couples when the time called for it.
found out, there was no longer a need to prolong it.
“cyno, what do you know about gaining clearances in the library?” surely he'd managed some cases by now of daring students attempting to seek forbidden research.
he frowned hesitantly, not expecting the inquiry. folding his arms against his chest, he relaxed in his seat.. “it goes through the administrative office. from there on the head scribes process the requests.”
upon the mention of the scribes, one name in particular came to mind. when yusef had mention the process, you had only thought of interns scurrying around filing away requests. you hadn’t considered it might end up on his desk in particular.
your nose curled at the thought of willingly seeking out the man. it wasn't worth reliving the road of mementoes reflecting on your years knowing alhaitham. you knew him best through your fellow kshahrewar classmate, kaveh. since the two of them becoming housemates, you'd began seeing the man on more than one occasion. your acquaintanceship was an interesting set up.
part of it stemmed out of challenging one another, the other half genuine respect and interest. but as you grew into your respective roles, alhaitham began to draw away from the group. a sequence of events leading to his rejection of the position of general mahara in favor of grand scribe..
now you all just sort of breezed by. it wasn't to say that you outright ignored him, there just wasn't the same chemistry anymore. tighnari simply had nothing more to do with the akademiya. cyno preferred to keep in on a professional basis.
and you … you just didn't see the point of trying to be amicable with the ass.
“really…alhaitham?”
cyno gave you a considering look but obliged. “he oversees a few administrative duties surrounding knowledge. he would only make sense that he would also be responsible for the security of more sensitive information.”
okay, that made sense. you hated to hear it, but you knew there was a reason why the man had turned down prosecution over administration. why enforce the rules when you can make them? it was certainly easier to bend them that way.
thumbing your chin, you regrettably came to the conclusion. “i suppose i should make an appointment with the grand scribe then.”
cyno stopped tinkering with his akasha to look at you with more scrutiny. you could tell he wanted to ask, the question was brewing at the tip of his tongue. yet he held it at bay with a nod. sometimes it was better if he didn't know until he needed to. he trusted you to make smart choices.
raking together the rest of the courage you'd reserved for the night, you sided closure and leaned back against the matra's thigh while your arm looped behind his neck.
“sure the infamous general mahatra can't sway a bit of judgement?”
it wasn't that you couldn't follow the progression of things. as a member of the akademiya you had every right to request material. just like it had every opportunity to be denied. to be frank, neither of you were on highly cordial terms with the grand scribe. but you were mannerable in public.
but what cyno had that you didn't was an elevated status that surely came with some perks. you were dating the general mahamantra after all.
“ i would much rather you go through the official process rather than seeking him out.” a flicker of something lights up his gaze like a flash of lightning before it's gone. cyno taps your nose when you pout. he presses a kiss in turn, holding the gesture until you smile. “this … thing isn't sensitive is it?”
your frown at the hesitant probing. there weren't many things that you withheld from cyno, partly due to the reason that he was the one person who made that feat practically impossible. coming to live with him meant that boundaries were considered, however, he promised to not get over involved unless it was necessary.
“no, no. i can just put it in.”
it wouldn't be enough to put you at the top of the priority list, but certainly they would review it eventually, right? you winced at the idea of the kind of questions that would come from that. while you weren't named in the trial, abu was known as a colleague of yours. there would be … some hesitation. maybe seeking out the great scribe wouldn't be a bad idea?
you flinched surprised at the soft nip you received on your ear. “ow! what?”
“I'm glad you're getting back into research again,” he shrugs nonchalantly. but it was kind of a big deal. you'd once been determined to challenge the akademiya's smartest to develop fresh ideas in the technology industry. innovations to rival snezhnaya. but after the incident with abattouy, you began feeling as though institution only liked knowledge they could control.
“and that earns me a bite?”
cyno gives you an inquisitive look, eyes brimming with retrained mirth. it reminded you of the man beyond the title of general that most didn't see. his position bore the weight of responsibility and had chiselled away at the curiosity that once burrowed his nose and books; encouraged him to spend time learning old languages, urged him to cross the lands to save a girl.
you didn't understand at first, when tighnari gave up the life of a scholar for reclusiveness of the forest. in enough years, the man could have been one of the sages at his rate.
but now, the more you visit him in his forestry escape you realize how much he didn't change. still he had had rather … concerning the level of snarky, sarcastic views on the akademiya with no fear … he was still tighnari.
cyno was—
cyno was still kind. he loved you and that was enough. it was. you just hated that sometimes it felt like a fact.
it was a true statement. a guideline he followed. students were to be monitored. you were to be loved. there was nothing in between. no allowances. sure the occasional jokes softened the edges but there was no denying what he was to the akademiya.
not even when you had pleaded, flushed and damp with tears for him to just listen to what abattouy had to say. to not follow instruction so blindly and consider that life wasn't such a straight line.
but what weight did you have to throw around demanding that when you'd been so content to accept his love. abattouy had been wrong and yet.
with a shudder, you curl deeper into his arms. today's revelation wasn't about picking old wounds.
cyno buries his face in your neck with a hum and that was enough to warm your body.
“just be careful, okay?”
it didn't take much consideration as the night progressed for you to decide to go against the grain anyway. cyno's advice was well intended but it posed more immediate risks than you were ready to face right now. at this stage, you just needed more information to ask questions. and you were too early into the development process of this research to provide a strong enough thesis for your intentions.
you couldn't well enough just say you intended to prove that the akademiya was wrong in prosecuting your friend without allowing him a fair defence.
and as cyno helpfully mentioned, it was going to go through alhaitham regardless. so why not beat to the chase and avoid the fanfare?
you vaguely recall responding to cyno moving from bed at an earlier hour. it wasn't often that him rousing woke you, but the occurrences weren't unwelcomed as you accepted the brief affection before he departed for the day.
it wasn't until it was nearing lunchtime that your body finally gave up on clinging to sleep. you decided to open the shop late today, confident that the flow of customers wouldn't suffer from the decision.
there was no reason for you to know the grand scribe's schedule so you didn't bother trying to scout him out at the crack of dawn. from what you understood, unless he wanted to found he was rarely sought out. much like your own lover.
still the man had a penchant for appearing sporadically whenever you roamed the port. there was something about the water-side market that tended to attract his attention but that was a curiosity that was not your own. he would serve you better than seeking him out at his office.
but what you had that most didnt, or simply they just had no need for the knowledge, was the man's favorite spot to brood. and it just happened to be nearing the end of the lunch period where everyone was returning to their respective assignments—also known as peak 'brooding' time in alhaitham's language.
you climbed the final row of steps to find eymen clearing away a few dishes.
“hey, has alhaithamn been by?”
the bartender seems more started by the actual question than the sharp interruption in his task. ever practised, however, he holds the plates and cups steady as he regards you. “just missed him actually.”
biting back a curse, you take the knowledge gratefully as you depart from which you came. there was only a short amount of time before he returned to his office and you did not want to have this conversation around inquisitive ears.
it was becoming apparent though, that something came with an appointment for a reason as you scoured the market to no end. either the man was on a mission or he truly did not wish to be found, either way he was unknowingly earning your ire with every wasted minute.
it was by chance that you caught sight of the silver head of hair right before it crossed the intersection. hastening your steps, you sidetracked into one of the adjacent alleys in preparation to cut him off.
you just managed to beat him, unable to resist expressing your exasperation by thrusting your foot into his path.
the grand scribe, either lost in thought or simply not expecting to be assaulted in public, barely manages to maintain his ground from sword training alone. his head whips back in pursuit of his assailant, anger flattening at the sight of you.
“and what honor have i been given to receive the lover of the general mahamantra?”
your lip curled at the title alhaitham loved to coin you as. no one else dared to try the same out of principle and something else called human decency. you were regretting your poor foot placement, perhaps a knuckle to the jaw would have been more effective.
somewhere across the plains, cyno was no doubt regretting sharing the tidbit of information that got you here.
nodding your head to the alley you emerged from, you silently requested that he followed. the man regarded you for a moment before his footsteps echoed as you led him away from the city traffic. however, as you began to slow, alhaimtahn urged you to continue before leading you to stop near the edges of the pier. with the port at your back, there was no concern of wandering ears beyond your gaze. with an incline of his head, you spoke.
“i need permission to access additional texts at the library.” you don't bother sugarcoating your reason for being here, you would both appreciate your time more.
any of his annoyance sobers at the request. his brow flexes with interest,” what text?”
“old machines.”
there was a part in his lips, the sound smothered before it could become the laugh he so desperately wanted to get out. he seemed equally aware of how quickly you'd try to stomp it out in turn. “getting bold in his absence aren't you?” he doesn't use the title this time, and the implication is very clear.
your foot taps impatiently against the wooden planks as you look at anything but him. “nothing gets past him.” it was the truth, in a sense. he was aware that you were requesting access, just not the avenue you took.
alhaitham is unable to resist cracking a grin. your lips wobble in response. “something tells me he doesn't know of the topic.”
any evidence of a grin washes from your face as your gaze narrows. “i didn't realize it would be that much of a problem.”
“if it wasn't it wouldn't be restricted.”
the silence is filled with a coat of tension weaved from years of thread spanning your unconventional relations. it took effort to describe what alhaitham was to you. years ago, he was a colleague, a spirited mind among the incoming class of students. sometime after, he became a frequent acquaintance while you would seek out kaveh for studies. it was sometime before your graduation that his goals came in between what could have been a friendship as he veered away from something more stable.
now it was by chance if you were seen together at akademiya sponsored events.
alhaitham was the first to relent, a rare cop out as he raised his hands in complacene, “look, that's between you and him, don't put me between it. as for the access, i can get that granted.”
you blink in surprise, not expecting it to be given so easily without additional favors. alhaitham reads your surprise with a raised brow. “I just grant access, you know who deals with disciplinary.”
alhaitam crowds closer as you peer up at him suspiciously,”i didn't realize the two of you were so keen on mixing business and pleasure.”
realization hits you and alhaimtan rolls back on his heels, narrowly missing the jab of your elbow.
“you're such a dick.”
he laughs, an easy sound that could give the wrong impression of being something more.”yeah, whatever, give me a few hours and you'll have your access.” he's unable to resist knocking his shoulder into yours as he passes. “oh and next time, make an appointment,''
you swallow around the lump of the words but manage to get them out, “thank you.”
he shrugs, back already turned, “don't thank me yet.”
sure enough, alhaitham comes through as you're finishing up at the shop for the day. you decide to save the trip to the library for tomorrow, however. that distance could easily eat up the rest of your day. a few more projects had been added to your work schedule and you'd spent most of the day after returning from the port tying off the ends of some of your older ones.
through infrequent breaks, your attention drifted towards the notebook stored away in the wall panels of the shop. whatever in the texts coulndt have been enough for abu if he still hadnt been able to complete his research. still the sages feared what the material could implant in the minds of ambitious individuals. for now you just needed a starting point, and recreating his steps was the best way.
upon closing the shop for the day, you were greeted with a quiet home. it was unlikely that you would get two early nights in a row with cyno. he didn't mention anything permanent before he left this morning but you were well practiced enough to know.
you fell asleep that night curled against ali, thinking about tinkering cogs until it faded to black.
you ended up returning to the library two days later than planned. while you would never turn away new projects, the unexpected swarm had cluttered your small workspace before you knew it. you were certainly far from the only engineer available in the port, but the name you made for yourself was something to be proud of. not ever accomplishment was measured by the akademiya.
you had a penchant for tinkering with everyday technology that could help ease the tasks of others. it's how you fell into such an easy colleagueship with abattouy. you both chased similar goals, just across different avenues.
finally satisfied with your progress, packed away everything for a trip to the house of daena. upon you arrival, you found that yusef wasn't manning the desk and you dont bother stopping for an unfamiliar face. the clearance alhaitham gave came with additional instructions leading you towards the center of the library.
your akasha triggered in response to the elevator, the mechanisms behind whirling to rise to the higher levels. the akasha alone could supply you with details. but you would need to know what to ask to even begin to leaf through the material. it was why hardcopies were still prevalent. by reading you would immerse yourself in knowledge you weren't initially seeking and help fill in the inevitable blanks.
this part of the building had lower ceilings and fortunately lower shelf access. the terminal led you where you needed to go, putting you in front of a small but lucrative selection. the titles ranged from history to expedition research notes. you spent over an hour reading through the texts before you bagan running into a similar theme.
you were right to assume your sole knowledge through the akasha would be limited. the sharp black lines redacting sections of the material would not translate well through the terminal. the summary would have glossed over anything near the restriction zone in order to produce comprehensive data.
even then from what you could tell, these expeditions focused more on the area around the ruin machines rather than their direct purpose. anything more detailed wouldn't be accessible to you regardless of what you knew.
you slide the last book back into its place. it was safe to assume anything that abattouy had managed to conjure had been destroyed. the same went for any resources he'd been able to glean from his own studies. the akademiya didn't leave behind trails.
but abattouy had been so determined then. surely there was something more than his own will fueling his research.
you reasoned that he could have used a knowledge capsule but that would imply that kind of information had been passed round. typically those devices were destroyed after the information had been transferred. the sages were well aware of the illegal distribution of knowledge. something like this wouldn't have been so carelessly stored. no, it had to be gone.
regardless, you couldn't really risk gambling away money on a knowledge search. that kind of expense would draw attention at home that you didn't have answers for yet.
your back hit the shelf behind as you slunk to the ground.
you'd hit a stone wall, one with no weak points that you could exploit. it had already been a risk telling allhaitham what you were looking into. by granting access you were already likely being monitored. it would be smart to just leave it here.
and yet.
abattouy wouldn't have just stopped here—didn't baulk under the pressure. you recall him going on research trips into the forests. once or twice you'd mentioned some tips from tighnari.
what he couldn't find in the library he would have gone out to find for himself.
but where abattouy had been an aimless wanderer.
you had a guide.
if the akademiya taught you one thing, it was that if information was not readily available to you, then it was your duty to go out and discover it. this creed was the heart of all expeditions towards the furtherment of acquiring knowledge.
there was a time that you'd hoped to use this guidance to eventually make your way to the foreign lands of snezhnaya but fate had another way of taking hold of your future.
for now, you would accept the resources that you had available at hand as you stood comfortable at the root of gandharva village.
through your inventions alone, you were a rather comfortable occurrence at the forest ranger headquarters. due to lacking a vision, both tighnari and cyno were reluctant when it came to acquiring your own research. most of your data and analysis came through the fox and any of the rangers he roped into the experiment.
your other reason for returning to the village, came in the form of the timid but gradually blossoming trainee.
it had been years, but sometimes it still felt like yesterday when cyno returned leading the frail girl back home. the two of you were nowhere near where you were now, but as a trio with tighnari, you each played a part in helping her reacclimate back into sumeru.
a smile curled at your lips at the memory of collei clinging to cyno even weeks after returning. the man had come to you on multiple occasions lost and harboring a shadow additional to his own. you suppose in a way, collei played a part in the progression of your relationship.
the two of you were close by academic aquantainship, strengthened by tighnari's sole tolerance in the two of you, but outings and dinners shared to cement the girl's comfort in her securer future had been the finalizing thread.
cyno had stolen you from your studies just as a secondary excuse to travel to gandarvale village, hand gripped tight with yours whenever tighnari wizened to his presence.
everything else just came together, natural and right.
a flash of green was all the warning you got before your body tensed in preparation, the additional weight briefly set you off kilter before your arms came around the girl. the smile staring up at you was infectious as those bright purple eyes danced with excitement.
“i was wondering when you would come to visit again! my sumeru rose bloomed, you have to come see it.”
despite her aversion to touch, collei was more than comfortable leading you confidently through the village bustle up to the bungalow she called home. you managed to interact with a few familiar faces along the way, limited to short greetings with as quickly as you reached your destination.
“see!”
collei was nothing but proud as she presented the purple flower which stood tall under the tutelage and care she provided. as not only her pseudo guardian but mentor, collei did not stand idly under tighnari's supervision. her interest in flora and its medicinal properties bled from the fox's teaching into her own drive and motivation.
everyone was rather transparent about not teasing her too much when it came to her dedication. tighnari bore most of the weight as you had no qualifications of hanging his protege's progression over his head. rather than bending to the jest, the fox only took it seriously confidant that he could best anything the akademiya could teach. though you doubted the girl had any aspirations of enrolling after growing up in tighnari's view of the institution.
the girl preened under the press of your palm as it smoothed the crown of her head,” that's amazing, collei. you didn't miss a step. i hope tighnari was just as impressed.” your congratulatory tone edged towards the tune of a threat as you recalled his stern form of instruction.
it was fortunate the girl had such hardened resolve but it still took some physical encouragement to remind the fox that even the smallest achievements warranted praise. a smile curled at your lips at the thought. you took pleasure in being one of the few things the fox feared.
the headquarters was a tight knit collaboration, so it was no surprise to hear the man in question responding to his name.
“yes, i made sure that the accomplishment did not go unnoticed.”
tighnari's smile was easy but the flicker of his ears told another story. collei, poor girl always ready to defend, seconded it.
“yes! he even gave me some padisarah seeds to grow next. the terrarium helps keep them fresh out of season.”
you frowned at the challenge. padaisarahs had a difficult time alone surviving in the wild. nevertheless, the girl seemed undeterred.
collei had been very impressed with the terrarium you'd built for tighnari, never missing the chance to compliment the invention. despite knowing the answer, she'd timidly asked if you'd be willing to build her one in the future. while you had no qualms with doing it within the next few weeks if your schedule allowed, tighnari had been more strict explaining that she needed more studies before being trusted with such an invention.
despite the urge to oversee him just to spoil the girl, you could see where he came from. the terrarium was meant to cultivate the plants independently so that tighnari could focus his attention more in the forest. it took care of the crucial elements needed to nurture plants that collei still needed to learn.
but that didn't mean she couldn't have it and still be educated.
“speaking of the terrarium, since you're here. do you mind tweaking it a bit? i need to increase the temperature threshold to mimic the desert better.”
well, there goes a cashable favor without putting yourself in debt.
giving collei one last pat, you turned down the familiar path to tighnari's abode.
"of course. if you're free, i actually need a favor as well.”
tighnari hummed, already curious,” and what can i do for you?”
you waited until the privacy of tighnari's entrance leaves closed behind the two of you. using the opportunity of a distraction, you crouched in front of the device already knowing what controls to manipulate to get what was needed.
“i need an escort into the avidiya.”
tighnari's suspicion is palpable behind your back, “what for?”
“i want to see one of the dormant machines.” sticking your head into the base of the device, your voice echoed out. “i was recently given additional access to records on them and wanted to compile some field notes as well.”
tighanari was quiet for a moment, though you don't dare to look back. the task was complete yet your hands still move idly, checking over other features.
the fox was no doubt outweighing the pros and cons of just acquiring the data himself like most of what he shared with you. as of late, there the influx of reports about the forest never seemed to cease.
“a few have been reacting to the spilling fissures from the ley lines. at times it can be like walking along land mines … it's not very safe.”
you had suspected as much. abattouy had managed to make it that far in his research. he had made note of how inventors in the past had used the ley lines as a sort of spiritual medium to power the machines. it made sense that the power of celestial could bring life to inanimate creatures.
history lessons filled in the gaps from there. from the archons wars to the fall of khaenri'ah, any outlet of power was used towards domination and the creation of visions. no one had bothered to remember the forgotten guardians that remained impassive still protecting the lands that gave them home.
it was obvious that sumeru had enough issue with corrupted ley lines wreaking havoc. the last thing they wanted was to encourage curious minds to discover new ways to taint that power. but surely if they just allowed more time an alternative answer could have been found … with the proper resources abattouy could have made a difference. of that much you were certain.
unable to deliberate much longer, you eventually turned to observe tighnari's pensive gaze. fortunately, he was trained elsewhere as his hand curled against his chin.
“i happen to know of one stationed not too far from the village. we roam the area enough where it runs the lowest risk of coming into contact with the withering zones. if we
are quick, i can take you before i need to return for my own patrol.”
a relieved breath warmed your cheeks, “that would be great, thank you tighnari.”
“of course, let us start then.”
tighari spared a brief moment to rearrange a few items in the terrarium before closing the display. he expressed his gratitude with a quiet thanks before he was off.
the fox led the way, but you remained in close step. tighnari didn't have much to say and you were comfortable enough in the recesses of your mind to not be bothered by the lack of conversation. your thoughts kept returning to the notebook and the array of blueprints you'd sketched throughout the week.
abattouy hadn't let the fear of the withering zones keep him from researching the ruin guards. you wondered how often he came in contact with those awakened and more importantly how he escaped. you never recalled tighnari specifically calling him out when he recalled the tales of stupidity he dealt with throughout the days.
in wake of the expulsion and disappearance, he hardly spoke of him at all.
“how's cyno?”
you gaze slowly refocused as your mind caught up with the distance you'd already traveled in your stupor. the village was lost in the trees now.
“you know … working, as usual.”
you'd long lost any ire over the lull in his presence. it was just the consequence of his job and you wouldn't fault him for it given it was something he took pride in. the two of you managed to make it work where it mattered.
“hm, well at least you can say you got out of the shop.”
and there was that … without him here, you were prone to spending more hours working than you should. it was a fault you both could work on, though circumstances hardly favored the practice.
“yeah, there's that.”
the pair remained silent again as they followed the lush vegetation down the sloped path. the noon sun hung high but the trees were dense enough to shade their walk, cooling the air around them. it made sense how tighnari was able to stay comfortably down here, soaking in the cool moisture that hung in the air.
tighnari cleared his throat, breaking the stillness. “it's right over there.”
you followed the line of his arm, easily locating the dormant machine nestled against the cliff side. it appeared to be imprisoned by the overgrowth of vines, tangling its limbs and growing between the joints. tighnari was right, it didn't look like it had moved for ages.
“I'll take you closer but please be mindful.”
he continued to lead you down off the stout edge, hands carefully guiding as you slide the rest of the way down. tighnari didn't stop you as you approached the ancient structure, so you snapped up the loose leash while you could.
in classes, instructors would briefly brush over their existence. offered old photos similar to the reality you were standing in now. but they never delved further than that, withholding any information that gave any life to the idea of them.
but this was the first time you'd seen one up close. the time-worn metal under your fingertips felt like it still held every bit of its integrity despite resting listlessly for so long. you doubted tighnari would let you linger.
you carefully flitted around the slumbering machine, not quite sure what you were looking for but hoping for a revelation all the same. there was no indication that the thing had been disturbed, by internal or external forces. not even the path to it seemed worn.
it would have been too much to ask for evidence of a camp or even forgotten notes. tighnari had already told you that it was patrolled often, so anything of value would have already been reported. what you needed was to find the ones not disclosed, hidden alcoves where a ruin and possibly a human could hide out. but that wasn't a place you would be able to wander across easily.
when tighnari made an exaggerated shuffling sound behind, you knew your time was up.
“tighnari … how do you feel about mechanical life?”
he breathed out a nasally sigh as he shook his head. the soft considering smile that graced his lips let you know that you weren't challenging anything.
“I was wondering when you would ask.” he nodded his head back towards the path, eager to start the return trip. as you filed in next to him, he spoke. “I believe all things deserve a chance at life. it's those who wished to study it that i have my qualms with. simply existing is a sacred thing that shouldn't be manipulated.”
his steps bring him closer, and you look up to find his offered hand.
he pulls you up with little effort. “it left a bitter taste in my mouth thinking of how mechanical life would be controlled and hindered by such simplistic lives. they're inherently restricted to their creators are they not.”
that was true. from what you'd read thus far, while they were about to 'adapt' it was impossible to do so without influence and instruction. mechanical life would never be able to reproduce on their own or properly source themselves without intervention. it meant that they would never get to decide their purpose, left to just fulfill it or be destroyed.
“doesn't it make you a little sad?”
tighnari looks back towards the machine.
“humans and animals alike live and die once their purpose has extinguished. yet these things, they lay waste for centuries just waiting for their next order. it's hard to want to support giving life to such things, you know?”
you did. but you also understood that like most tools, in the right hands both sides could benefit. but this wasn't a topic you were willing to have allowed just yet.
“thank you tighnari for bringing me here.”
the fox hums as he considers you. he was an intellectual being, no doubt being about to remain resourceful and well knowledged even after leaving the akademiya, you were sure he had his suspicions and concerns, but he also respected your boundaries and trusted your decision making.
shaking his head with a sight that spanned long years of friendship.
“anything for you.”
the pat on your back is dual purpose, as it urges you forward.
“now, let's hurry i may have some time before i depart. i don't know about you but im starving. i grew some new mushrooms in the terrarium that i want to try.”
you made a face as you recalled the headache tighnari put you through as you tweaked the machine to his liking. all to protect the future of forestry medicine. “i thought you planned to use that for actual research?”
tighari's nose twitched at your accusation, “i'll take that response as you're not hungry.”
it becomes a little too easy for you to slip back into old habits of long nights in the shop over the next few days. cyno had sent word that he was on another investigation, meaning that the hunt could span well into the week depending on how obstinate his target was.
for a man who was determined to prove himself amicable, he never failed to live up to the fearsome legends surrounding his character. part of you almost felt sorry for the poor soul who suffers the dichotomy of addressing their crimes and your lover's attempt of a joke.
laughing at the memory of one, your shoulders sag at the place in your prior train of thought. since your last walk-in customer just after lunchtime, you'd been pouring over the mess of notes.
you hadn't let yourself linger too long on the lack of clues surrounding the slumbering machine. while thumbing further through the notebook, you began noticing certain text that reminded you of another's observations. after some light digging, you uncovered some of the log books from tighnari's investigations of withering zones.
both texts highlighted the effects of the ley lines zones, but whereas tighnari focused on its destruction, abbattouy had discovered a hidden attribute; a power source. though, perhaps 'forbidden' was a better term. this was likely the first strike used as evidence against him.
sumeru didn't need the jurisdiction of the akademiya to keep people from tamping too closely with ley lines. too much exposure would take a life before the research could be completed if one wasn't careful enough.
but abbatouy was smart, surely he'd figured out how to withstand the element long enough to conduct his experiments. it was a little worrying how little he seemed to account for his own ailments in his notes.
both scholars likened the absence of wildlife to exposed ley line fissures as a key indicators but where tighnari further delved into decay and miasma, abattouy spoke about the thrum of power and waking essence.
'the heartbeat of a god.' he called it.
while you weren't too confident about your knowledge on irminsul.
it was a starting point.
gaze flickering out the window, you noted how the sun was still hanging comfortably in the sky. it wouldn't hurt to make a few observations of your own. there was no chance of a discovery but becoming more familiar with the forest would help you narrow down your search.
tighnari assured you that the man had not made a home in the forest. but that didn't mean he didn't frequent it.
all you needed was a sign.
you didn't venture out unarmed, the echoing voice of a tighnari beating you lingering with every questionable action. as it was, the world was filled with less vision-holders than those who were blessed by the gods. as a child, you'd felt slighted from being overlooked but as you got over you came to learn that everyone had a designation.
those who had the gift did their part, and the rest of you moved along just well.
being acquainted with tighnari's experimentation with his vision in your early days of education were more fruitful than just a regular headache. while exploring the scholarly uses, he had also made it a point to bolster your defences. being with cyno only doubled down on the lessons of importance.
if not for the purpose of taking on the world, to at least give you a fighting chance against stray mercenaries.
capsules of knowledge also went a long way with strengthening your approach. you weren't a master of the art, but in the event of a sticky situation your odds were higher than without.
equipped with that resolve, you headed down the narrow path of the main merchant roads. from your frequent trips to gandharva village, you had a jist of what roads were meant to be avoided. it had taken some time, but eventually you felt confident navigating towards your destination. at least when you were on the correct path. you'd always known the dangers of veering. tighnari's guidance a few days prior had also played a part in highlighting the features most rangers instruct visiting parties to avoid.
unfortunately, you'd be using sad information against its desired use.
so where they advised those to go left, you angled right, making careful progress through the trampled brambles and strewn vines. while you descended further into the forest, you watched the sky while noting the sun's position between the treetops. starting later in the afternoon helped you avoid the worst of the high noon temperature, but it also ate up your flexibility with time.
this trip was meant to help you get a starting point, practice the evasion of vigilant rangers while preparing yourself for the brunt of the wild. taking a deep breath, you steadied your nerves and tried to enjoy the cooler evening air. while you preferred the port, you could see how tighnari found himself at home here. it was similar to the way cyno made his mark in the desert.
eventually, your pace slowed as the path blurred in terms of familiarity. the only given you knew was up meant out. there was hardly a path at this point, well off course from any guidance post. the only favorable thing was the lack of withering activity.
but still your body felt free of any bearing weight representative of ley line presence, so you carried on.
your fingers danced along the width of your blade as the occasional oburt of wildlife crackled around. rishboldand tigers preferred the trees, but rarely attacked outright without prompting. avoiding lingering under any trees helped ease that. the spinoroks favored the rivers and banks, but fortunately it had been some time since you'd last heard running water. and well dusk birds, it might have been a bit of comfort running across them.
to be frank, it had been quiet awhile since you've noticed any form of fauna. the last time you'd clutched the hilt of your weapon was when you'd spotted some fungi in the distance. had you wandered too far? or were you closer than you expected?
it became apparent, that despite your reading about visual cues, you had not learned much about what exactly coming in contact with ley lines felt like. the wrong amount of exposure could lead to sickness, but most victims hardly recalled being affected until it was too late.
while you enjoyed the accessibility of the akasha, its limitations became glaringly apparent outside of the city. what could have been a quick query would have to wait.
maybe it was just time for you to head back. the sun was hardly visible now but the darkening orange tone was warning enough.
you had been frivolous with your turns, but backtracking shouldn't be impossible. up, you reminded yourself. as long as you reached the top, the flat meadows above would spell out the rest. confident in your assumption, you turned around and headed back.
the feeling held on for a while as you ventured through the forest. some things were familiar, though trees were suspicious contenders. the only comforting thing was the soft click of crickets and lizards slithering at your feet, but even those weren't enough to deter you from the fading light.
you hasten your pace, uncaring of the noise it made as you stepped loudly through the brush.
up, as long as the direction was up you were good.
just up—
it was a chance glance, a brief scope of your surroundings, but it was enough to spot the familiar ridges and dark hues of the ruin slumped against the rock wall. you hadn't seen it on your way down, meaning you were advancing up an alternative path.
for the first time, you cursed your impulsive turns knowing it would take considerable more effort to return to the same spot again. biting your lip, you chanced a look at the treetops knowing what you saw wasn't promising and yet, this was a fleeting chance.
it appeared to be one of the cyclops models, paired with wings for flight. the mechanical ingenious behind designing something of the mass with the capability of flight was an impressive feat in itself.
just a look.
it was a different guard than the one you saw with tighnari, but intimidating all the same. you just need to make a quick check around the area, scour for any signs of disturbance since the machine began its slumber.
unlike the last one, this ruin was free from the tangle of vines and foliage. almost as if it had just been lain to rest yesterday. you wondered if that meant it had in fact been distrubed, by curious hands and minds. there was no evidence of encampment but surely someone had distrubed its resting place.
frowning as you crouched, you fingertips brushed against the grass folded under its weight. what should have been dead and weathered felt plush and smothered. but that couldn't be right.
hidden in the depths came the sound of power whirling to life.
your blood turned to ice water as looked up to see the once dull optic blinking into existence. with a shout of surprise you fell back onto your rear before wrapping around to scramble to your feet.
an active ruin.
any floating notes were flung to the recesses of your mind as you favored survival. the machine was slow as it woke up, gears clicking under its weight. you only had a few moments before it gained its wings. you bolded, heading back towards the trees for coverage.
but its safety was no longer a promise as a bolt of power cut through the bark, narrowly missing you. the rumble of cracking wood forced your body into a roll as you darted to the next, barely clearing the distance before another beam shattered it.
your arms came up to protect yourself from the destruction, flesh exposed to the explosion of wood as it cut into your body. you sucked in a harsh breath as the searing heat spanned the width of your arm, but did not spare a moment to check.
the weapon against your thigh felt like a comical reminder as you slide into the next wall of coverage. a mercenary you could cut, but what was the possibility against a ruin?
for one, you wouldn't settle for death.
you threw your leg to the side, rolling out of the way over another blast. your nails dug into earth scrambling for purchase as you hastily found your feet. you could sob at the slight but noticeable incline as you discovered the path up.
there wasn't enough research on ruin's optic strength, but you doubted yours was any better. the darkening sky would be more favorable to it. the sound of it powering up came again, and you forced yourself to sprint up the incline to the next temporary safety.
it was still a journey up, but distance would have to be your defence. it could fly, but there had to be limitations. even as it hovered, it didn't appear to be able to get but a few feet off the ground. height would have to be your advantage.
arms coming around your head, you braced for another blast. the skin around your wound protested against the movement, but you held your breath through the pang of pain. the moment the light from its attack ended, you took off again, clawing your way up the path.
it seemed that your theory was favorable, though you are still forced to roll away from the edge as another blast shot up towards you. the dense foliage covering the treetops obscured whatever vision it had, the stray beam of power that came next well off course.
still you didn't pause your pace until the treelines thinned and the forest bled away. the adrenaline gave out just as sun dipping into the hilled plains of ardavi valley came into view, your body finally giving out under the pressure as you fell to your hands and knees. you pressed your scraped palms against your face, the salt from your exasperated yet relieved tears burning the cuts.
you'd survived.
it was well into the night when you'd managed to stumble home. you were sure you were quite the sight to any of your straggling neighbors. you tried to be polite, but kept conversation to a minimum, wanting to keep much of this excursion from getting back to cyno.
during the walk home, you tugged the leaves and foliage free from your clothing and hair before fussing over the weeping wound. it wasn't deep enough to warrant stitches but it would hurt for a bit. after you patched it up you could come up with a plausible story for cyno.
for now, you just wanted to clean up and settle your nerves with a cup of tea.
name had yowled at your feet as you stumbled through the door, no doubt protesting his late dinner. you tried to place him as you steered towards the bathroom, stripping the dirt ridden clothes as you went.
the spray of water felt good as it washed away the grim, puddling murky suds at your feet. before the water cut off, you made sure to run your arm under the water to prep it for treatment.
clothed in the towel, you lowered yourself to the ground unable to ignore the burning against your arm. rummaging through the cabinets, you dragged the aid kit to your feet. it had been awhile since it made an appearance. as you got older, your shop mishaps began less frequently aside from the occasional hammered finger or contact burn.
you'd shut the door to the bathroom in order to work inhibited, so the angry meows from name were expectant. out of consideration, you had not lingered in the shower and attempted to patch yourself up just as quickly.
“give me a second, ali. i promise to give you an extra helping.”
what you weren't expecting was a reply.
“so it is you who is sneaking him treats?”
your body jolted at the sound, the action jarring your wound as you hoisted with a sharp cry. the sound was the least reassuring thing you could offer as you scrabbled against the edge of the tub to come to a stand.
cyno was quiet on the other as he tested the knob,”i'd like to come in, if that's okay?”
his voice was patient but the curl of concern wasn't something you could ignore. with a sigh you look around at the mess of supplies you'd accumulated, at this point there was no point in hiding out.
“yeah.”
the door eased open carefully, consider your proximity. for what it was worth, cyno managed to remain relatively calm as he crouched before you.
his touch is attempted as he prods the area around the wound, no doubt thinking the worst. “how did this happen?”
the lie slips all too easily through your lips. “got careless leaning against the table. too many nearby tools.”
cyno's brow furrows as he inspects the wound but seems to accept the reasoning. there wasn't a trail of deception in your past for him to rummage through leaving him with only face value to determine.
still it doesn't help to remove the frown marrowing his lips as he works the bandage around the wound. he's more practiced in the art, keeping it firm but comfortable enough for flexion. though from the sharp pain you hiss through upon trying the flexibility, you doubt you'll be utilizing full range of motion much.
when you decide to go for a kiss of gratitude, he presses one light against his work instead.
“it's been a long time since i've seen you hurt.”
you go to shrug, buy find yourself regretting it just as quickly. “just got a little careless. i'll be more mindful.””
“hm. thank you for trying.”
he holds out a hand and you reach for it … or so you think. the vision of the offer is suddenly split in two and you can tell you've chosen wrong when you stumble forward. cyno quickly gathers you in his arms before you can fall further, the level of concern spiking in his voice.
“I'll handle dinner tonight. you've been on your feet for too long.”
the urge to protest dies on your lip as your world momentarily spins with a lurch from your stomach.
perhaps a nap wouldn't be too bad.
cyno made it a point to be at home more after the incident it was a welcome addition peppered with gratuitous opportunities to spoil you. he'd personally posted a note against your workshop door to alert any customers of your absence during your rest. he spent his time between reporting to the akademiya cooking meals and showering you with attention.
ali took the most advantage, always present to curl into his lap.
for a few days, you were able to forget what even had you bed ridden. the short bout of imbalance had not occurred since the time in the bathroom, though you did experience brief nausea at dinner. you accounted it all to the lingering effects of adrenaline from that night.
“i told you i would cook today.”
the matra were surely fearing a prophesied end with the amount of sick days cyno was taking to remain home with you. he tended to linger in the shadows when he wasn't needed, but the pressure of his presence wasn't an easy thing to ignore.
that was quite alright with you, it was quite a pleasant feeling him against you.
“you and ali looked so comfortable in your nap, i couldn't do it to him,” you explained, glancing over your shoulder before quickly turning your attention back to the pot to suppress a grin. clothed in a loose shirt, stretched from sleep, he was an adorable sight with his mused hair and lazy limbs.
cyno sighed and pulled out a chair from the table. the sound he made as he audibly sagged into the seat meant he hadn't woke up on his own accord. you wonder if it had been the clatter of pans or the aroma wafting from them.
either way, you couldn't suppress the tinge of guilt. despite being more at home, he hadn't stopped moving. finding him slouched with ali had been a welcomed shock.
you prepared a kettle for tea, knowing he wouldn't enjoy the dredges of sleep clinging to him. though he would write it off as laziness, the way his body fought for just a few minutes of rest spoke louder. you nudged a warm brew into his palm.
“it's been awhile since you've been to the forest. or anywhere not work related really.” encouraging the general to take a vacation was a dull blade, but you knew he lingered in the desert whenever a case pulled him that far. it was a small victory to cling to.
“I've been investigating something. it's taking up more of my time.”
typically the discussion of expelling students wasn't a cheerful conversation to have, but there were few things else to glean from his workday beside the few jokes he tested on you. it wasn't as if you didn't want to talk about it, sometimes you just wished the two of you had other things to discuss besides students and projects.
“have you considered…maybe taking a break after this assignment?”
cyno set aside his cup of tea, eyes shinning with low simmering mirth, “kettle … pot?”
you rolled your eyes. perhaps you both had an issue with overworking yourselves, but at least you had gandharva village in your arsenal. cyno just relied on his patrols and reports in lieu of ongoing cases.
but there was no denying neither of you had broken routine in quite sometime. maybe after all of this was over, you could change that. cyno had told you he'd like to take you to the desert one day.
reaching out, you curled your fingers into the tuff of hair that always hung over his ears. cyno leaned into the touch, crown pressed against your palm as you smoothed back the braids. “maybe save some of those vacation days…?” you probed hesitantly.
cyno pursed his lips and then reached beside you for his cup and lifted it to his lips for a sip. ''I'll consider it.”
though you didn't say anything, your face unintentionally twisted into something he couldn't ignore. his cup clinked against the table before he extended his arms and tugged you into his lap.
the action brought your faces closer and you couldn't help but shiver at the head between you. at this proximity, you could count every single one of his pale lashes. it was only natural for your eyes to flicker down to his mouth, always so inviting and nicely shaped in a way that you knew if you pressed yours against them, they'd be soft, warm and skillful.
it was cyno's turn for his hands to card through your hair, drifting back to your skull once before returning to hold your cheeks. '' there are still things i want to show you, i haven't forgotten. but i also don't want to be interrupted when that time comes,” he explained sincerely.
it was so honest it made your heart ache. to most it might sound like a stale promise, but you knew it meant he was trying.
unable to resist, you closed the distance for a brief peck,” alright, until then,” you concluded.
by then, things would be different. it would be a moment to celebrate.
in the end, cyno won out and took over the remainder of dinner preparation. unable to do anything but shake your head, you took his seat and polished off the rest of his tea.
with abattouy back in the shop, you at least knew you could decrease your workload. it would take considerable more effort to help cyno shave his down, but you trusted his management of the situation.
in the meantime, you would have to be satisfied with a home full of friends again.
the two of you had just finished dinner when cyno suddenly tensed in his seat. practiced in the relationship, you knew what was coming before he could start apologizing. before he could protest, you pressed a short kiss to his lips and began clearing the table.
duty called.
cyno returned from the bedroom toting his headpiece as you put aside the final dish to dry. his presence warms your back and his hand caresses the top of your head, smoothing down your hair. you nuzzle against his hand in return.
“I'll be home late, don't wait up.”
and thus you returned to a life of normalcy.
ali was an insist ball of fur until you cuddled him with a night time treat. it gave you the space needed to escape to the plush couch seated under the window. with cyno so close, you hadn't been able to properly review your notes, too concerned with the prospect of getting caught.
you still hadn't prepared your explanation in the event of that happening, too determined to address it with the shadow of abattouy at your side.
finally alone, you did put your akasha device to use. you'd promised cyno to take a few days off from the shop, leaving you with little else to occupy yourself as you probed the knowledge library.
it had been a good deal to make and your body certainly healed from the lack of stress. but it was time for you to get back to work.
you spent the remainder of the night before bed off curled by the window while browsing the reports from the bimarstan on recent ley line exposure cases.
headaches.
arrhythmia.
fever.
hallucinations.
these were all symptoms most frequented by the spantamad class in their pursuit to better understand irminsul.
you had no intentions of trying to communicate with the gods, but you weren't invincible if you remained set on this path. it would be imperative that you stayed on top of your health, prior injury aside. bandaging a wound was one thing. the last thing you wanted was to put cyno in the position of escorting you to the distant village in the desert.
you don't personally know anyone who had lost their mind to their studies but the impact swept through the akademiya regardless of how close you were to the subject.
some of the other classes feared that the spantamad's interference was only antagonizing the spirits and thus they suffered the consequences. you couldn't find it in yourself to fault anyone who would trade their own sanity for their beliefs.
the same could be said of the research of mechanical beings.
the akademiya believed they would lead to the destruction of life.
but that was only because they refused to accept any alternatives.
you groan aloud and a hand makes a familiar trip down your face. that would just be a road to look down once abattouy was safe and home.
for now, sleep was the only thing left to consider.
with a tired tsk you urged ali to follow you into the bedroom. it may be back to normal, but that didn't mean you didn't miss the additional warmth in bed.
tomorrow you would resume your research but tonight you would enjoy your last night of rest.
your body lurches forward with a surge of breath, chest heaving from the effort. lungs expand, stretching and reaching for oxygen but never seems to get enough. it doesn't help that it feels as though your bearing the weight of a building.
or a city … as the remnants of one crumble around you.
the light registers as flames as the flicker across your vision. but it's the smoke, its thick and cloying billows blanketing everything in its smog.
“cyno?!”
a cry sounds in the distance. multiple sounds of despair, calling for help, mercy and salvation. none, however, sound familiar, no one you can run to with certainty.
“... tighnari? collei?”
trepidation curls around as you take in the scene. the crackling of wood and tumble of rubble. it's difficult to make out, though it appears the branches feed into something larger, winding together towards the sky. it's the whirling of gears that draws your attention. you recognize the sound as the bean of power charges.
ruins.
you stumble to your feet, frantically grabbing at the first thing in reach. the tasks in conjunction seem too much for you as you stumble and fall back on your rear. nails dig into the withering vines as you drag yourself up a second time. in your right hand, a cut of stone sharp from its breakage cuts into your palm. solidifying it as a weapon, you ignore the cut of blood bleeding around it.
the ruin unleashes its attack in the distance, the beam of light lost in the chaos but the screams roar on. you're helpless to cries, barely able to withstand your own weight as you keep a firm grip on the woven roots.
it must have followed you, rounded up its fallen soldiers and set siege on the city.
it was your fault.
all your doing.
behind you another tree shudders, branches quaking as it falls to its death. in its wake, rises another ruin, broad and glowing as it marches forward.
you have to run. you need to will your frozen limbs. find cyno and run—
you're woken by the sound of a staggered chair and the taste of fear from the recesses of your mind. the strain from your healing wound pulls as you slide out of bed, dragger held tight against your palm.
it's cyno who stumbles into the bedroom moments later is the first to make a sound as his more honed instincts circle your wrist before you can strike.
the weapon tumbles from your palms without protest as realization drains away the fear, replacing it with shame. a shaky hand covers your mouth,” i thought you—”
what did you think?
the crackle of fire
a haunted laugh
your body stiffens as cyno's arms encircle you before you sag into his hold. above your head, he takes in your frazzled state, brow pinched in concern. he takes in your shaky hands, the erratic drum of fingers against your stiff thighs, and the low muttering under your breath of words he doubted you even recognized.
cyno had witnessed you distraught. he'd coaxed you down from frustration.
but this…
“it's alright, i didn't mean to spook you,” he hushes gently as his heart thumps, an uncertain staccato against his chest. ''you're okay.”
he feels your shuddered breath against the scratch of his neck, your arms squeezing tightly around his middle. “I don't know what happened, “ you whispered.
there was never a moment that you ever felt unsafe at home. even without his status as the mahamantra, cyno held a sense of prowess that never failed to fight off the worst of monsters. he was your protector. so what had grown so big that not even he seemed strong enough to keep you safe?
with the fingers at the flesh of your waist, cyno guides you towards the edge of the bed. he disgrauded his head piece prior to entering the bedroom, likely the source of the disturbance, but was still clothed from the day. though neither of you protested as he gathered you close in bed.
sumeru did not sleep.
but some monsters still prowled.
the occurrence of the night before go unsaid but not unnoticed. cyno's troubled gaze follows silently as you flow from one side of the kitchen to the next. he accepts the cup of tea and returns the gesture with the slide of his lips against your cheek.
work is what eventually ushers him out the door despite his desire to linger. he doesn't say it but he wants you to take an additional day off.
still a bit tattered from the restless sleep, you cant help but agree. the better part of the week had been spent cooped up as it was, without brief visits to the shop. fresh air would do you good, to see the city and its inhabitants.
a strange desire to witness the life of the city drives your body into action as you dress and head out the door. the sun was a hesitant welcome as it warmed your skin but the same light irritated your eyes. still you pushed on, hoping the familiar streets would shake off the foreign feelings clinging to your body.
people in the streets greeted you in passing, those more familiar coaxing you closer for a chat. for awhile it proved to be a comfortable distraction as you relaxed under the shade of a canopy conversing about the upcoming festival. the divide between gods very made sense to you given that all the inhabitants of the city had truly only served under one. greater ruk had indeed blessed the gift of wisdom but lesser lord kusanli kept it alive.
given the tragedy in liyue, people should be fortunate that you still had a god.
“its not properly sanctioned, but i believe you would enjoy it.” your fingers flexed under the comforting palms that held your hand. zoya was an old soul, refusing to be swayed by anyone's judgement. she was respectful towards both gods, but swore to use her days of life worshiping the remaining one.
she squeezed your hand with her weathered grip once more before pulling away, “maybe even bring the general.”
that brought a rush of laughter as you shook your head. as if that would happen. zoya grinned, expecting the same with a shrug.
you parted ways with a wave. there would be more of a chance of getting tighnari to humor the akademiya than to convince cyno to visit the festival. just the mention of 'unsanctioned' was warning enough.
“I'm terribly sorry, sir. it was an unexpected loss but i promise to have better inventory next week.”
you paused a stall over, inspecting the fresh harvest of fruits. shopping for perishables was always difficult when cyno was on long investigations, especially when selecting his favourites. it was always a gamble if they would end up being eaten in time.
“that's quite alright, it must be difficult traveling with the eremites lately.”
“no, it wasn't the mercenaries this time … it was this.. this machine. it just came out of no where.”
you stopped short, hand hovering over the selection of zaytun peaches.
“a machine?”
a flashback of the ruin hovering above you menacingly came to mind. had it continued to patrol after you'd made your escape?
“im pretty sure it was. looked like a crab of sorts.”
“sounds odd … sure you didn't get too close to those withering zone?”
you maintained the face of closely inspecting the collection while keeping a keen ear on the conversation. the pair wasn't all to concerned with their carrying voices.
“no, the caravan is pretty good about avoiding those.”
“huh well sorry for your losses. i'll check back next week.”
the merchant's shoulders slumped in defeat of another lost sale.
a crab-like ruin? it didn't sound like anything you'd encountered.
setting down the fruit, you thanked the farmer and crossed the street quickly. there were still valuable details to the story that you could glean. “hi, sorry to —”
the man didnt have the typical exuberant of an expectant merchant,“hello, i'm afraid i'll be closing early today. not much to sell.”
“i actually just have a question. i couldn't help but overhear about the crab ruin attacking the caravan.”
he waved off the inquiry, “it's probably nothing. it was late and we were too at ease with security.”
biting your lip, you switch angles hoping to ease past his guard, “possibly, but i have friends in the forest watch that like to patrol. i can give them a heads up.”
it was enough to give him pause as he considered the offer. the idea of having someone to clear the path for future travels was too good to pass up. “that would actually put our minds a bit at ease. here.”
merchant searches through his belongings and produces a map. its a weathered parchment, but heavily detailed with trade routes and known bandit locations. his points to the newest addition, a hastily drawn figure that must represent the mechanical being.
“it was odd. it only wanted mechanical parts but we lost some good merch in the scuffle.”
he surprises you by handing it over. grateful, you store it away in your satchel. “I'll look into this. sorry for your loss.”
looks like you wouldn't be completely free from business.
you cut your market trip short and cut through the port to your workshop. on the door, cyno's note still remains posted. technically, it was still your day off, so you left it in place.
upon reaching your desk, you unroll the map and use the nearby tools to hold down the corners. the merchants outlined their entire trip with a bold red line, noting the location of the incident with a solid 'x'.
it was no surprise that it had occurred in the forests, ruins were rarely found along the trails in the plains. it was too open and frequently travelled. without looking, you reached out for the notebook tucked away at the back of the drawer.
in one of the pages, abattouy had sketched his own map. a smaller more detailed scope of the forest. you thumbed front to back in search of the page, coming up short with each run through. the book was worn, but you were sure you would have noticed if a page had fallen out.
your forearm caught the back end of the book before it could flip shut, prepared to run through one last time when you felt your arm roll over a small but noticeable indent. perplexed, you twisted your limb too and from, confirming that it wasn't a fluke. however, when you lifted your arm, you were just met with the smooth surface.
or so it seemed.
curious, you finger toyed at the slit at the bottom, working back the frail lining until a fold of paper fell through. moving the book aside, you unfolded the document to find a few sheets of worn reports sealed together with age and pressure.
abattouy was a never ending mystery of hidden wonders. he was becoming less of a surprise how he managed to evade the akademiya for so long.
'... found a large group of mechanisms, similar to the huge walking machinery we previously found at the ruins of gurabad…'
the location sounded familiar from brief memory of the map of sumeru, it was closer to the deserts.
'... found an organization called schwanenritter, and its existence may be confirmed by the legend of ruins of dahri… recorder, trainee dastur, zandik.'
'.. the terrifying killing machine has stopped. zandik insisted on bringing it back to the akademiya to be disassembled and reverse-engineered…'
they appeared to all be remnants of research notes with a common theme: zandik. the name didn't ring any bells, though you had a feeling whatever you found wouldn't be favoured. what plagued you more was how abattouy managed to get a hold of these. not only were the contents alarming but they appeared to be the originals, not recreations.
where had he even collected them from?
you tried not to think too hard about the dark splotches splattered against the corner of one.
for a moment you sat seated just staring into space while fidgeting with the thumb on a wrench. first discovering active ruins, then the reports of ones attacking caravans and now these redacted reports?
before you thought better of it, you directed your attention to the device at your ear.
'who is zandik?'
the silence you received in response was both expected and concerning.
what had abattouy gotten himself into? and more importantly what were you following behind.
“i figured i'd find you here. you're starting to work more than me. cat tolerated one of us but i don't think he'll be forgiving with you.”
starting with a painful thud in your chest, you quickly rearranged the papers on your desk to shroud the letter. cyno never failed to sneak into your abode before, nor did rarely offer an expected arrival time but tonight was the one occasion you truly weren't ready.
“cyno! i—” turning in your seat, you tried to produce a face of carelessly flustered as you rested your elbows on the surface behind you. for once, you were grateful for your erratic and clumsy nature as the mahamantra stared down at you with thinly veiled suspicion.
your heart thumped recklessly against your sternum as the silver haired general approached, not stopping until his long tresses tickled the sensitive skin of your collarbone. you steadily kept his gaze, worried that the slightest distraction would peak his interest to investigate.
you couldn't let him find out … not yet.
cyno, always sensitive to your moods, narrowed his eyes as his palm came to hold your cheek. just when you thought you would face the interrogation of the mahamantra, you felt the soft exhale against your lips before he dropped a brief kiss to the quivering brim.
“come on, we're already out. may as well treat ourselves to dinner.”
you followed mutely as he led you down the intimate winding roads of the port. people shouted and laughed, going on about their day free of the akademiya weighted judgment. once you might have smiled at the thought, but now the sounds felt near unbearable to your ears as you shook away the beginnings of a headache.
it was a strange foreign feeling in a place called home.
you picked up the pace, hoping whatever destination cyno picked would be less boisterous. company aside, the students at the very least would give you a wide berth.
smoke from food stalls filled the air with the smell of meats, spices and breads that made your stomach roll in a way that wasn't pleasant. which was rather unfortunate because it only reminded you of the pings from missing lunch. nothing a single thing smelled like it would quell either ailment, but the thought of sitting in a restaurant felt worse so you pulled at cyno's hand until he stopped.
wordlessly you point towards the line up of food, feeling worse about ruining his plans but more confident it would at least keep your food off his lap if it became too much,
“stalls and the sky?”
cyno blinked and nodded slowly, a small smile crawling at his lips at the code. “stalls and the sky.”
stalls and the sky, had been the coined term for your first date. the saving grace that had swept up the remains of a sure disaster. cyno's popularity with the scholars had not necessarily improved with his tenure, but back then he'd practically been a walking pariah while getting comfortable in the shoes of the general mahatra.
civilians had not blinked an eye, only finding praise for the [hired] individual who would protect the wisdom of the god. but it didn't make for a very comfortable gathering with the constant stars. it was part of the reason you moved from the city and into the port. cyno too had come to enjoy the proximity to the desert.
letting cyno lead rather than you appetite, you remained tucked against him as he ordered a variety of items. every so often his gaze would flicker to you in search of approval but the best you could manage was a shrug. you hated the soft frown it promoted, but your options were limited.
food paid for, you took the lead towards the back of the port near the great trunk in the center. the roads brought you close to the top, but there was an alternative albeit less safe path that awarded a view if daring enough. once under the familiar branch, you hooked your elbows over the curve of wood with a good jump. cyno offered his shoulder for the final launch as you shifted into a seating position.
cyno followed shortly after, more agile as he hopped up with ease. you took the food as to give him room to get comfortable without smothering it.
the wind was less kind up here, whipping at your clothing and around your legs but the view it promised was worth it. the entire port opened up below, leaving the stars and moon free from the glow of the city. if you stared long enough, you could even make out the stretch of the desert wall beyond the dark forest in the distance.
it wasn't private, anyone with curious enough eyes could look up and find the two of you, but it was still yours.
the bag crinkled between you as cyno dug through and handed you a skewer. the fresh air helped a bit, but you still couldn't stomach more than a few nibbles here and there.
“i had to interview a scholar today..”
you frown at the sudden statement. in terms of his work, it wasn't the most unusual task.
“but he was a geo user so i didn't get much of a reaction.”
your lips part to speak, tongue stuck before reluctant laugher falls out. it was soft, slightly incredulous with surprised by how well the intended joke met its mark this time.
“it's because geo visions don't react well with other elements.”
shaking your head, you nod,” yeah, cyno, i know.”
the man smiles, more pleased with the ease of your shoulders than the successful joke.
you bite your lip and try to hang on to the flicker of joy it brought, not ready to fall head first back into your thoughts. but as soon as the joke floated away, the smile faded, no longer reaching your eyes.
this should be a moment to enjoy, not
cyno reaches up and runs his thumb over your lower lip, easing it out from the teeth.
“you can … talk to me about these things.” by things he means the studies, the research and everything. there was a time that you did. occasions where you shared everything, unable to escape the glee with each new discovery. and moments where you shared too much and it all came crashing down.
you had been such an idiot then. it had just been an innocent question. abattouy never gave you too much, unlike you keeping his sensitive information close. but you'd gleaned enough and ran to cyno at the first opportunity sprouting nativity:
'what can we do to change the sage's view on mechanical life forms? you're the mahamantra they have to listen to you.'
and they did, but not for the reasons you'd hoped.
cyno has cupped your face instead of responding, eyes desperately riveting over your face in search of more questions than he was ready to ask.
'i'll take care of it.'
now people like to say that it was inevitable. abatyouy had been careful but he wasn't perfect. there had been rumors floating around his research. wandering eyes accounting for tools he purchased. it was inevitable that the general mahamantra would be knocking on his door if he didn't cease looking into such things.
but you didn't need to be the one to open it.
when you swung open the door, surprised at the gesture but not turning down the opportunity to see your lover during the day. the jest fell off your lips as the general mahamantra stared pointedly away from you as the decree fell from his lips.
but all you could hear was the clutter of tools falling behind you.
anu said he never blamed you.
it was all inevitable
but you wish you hadn't been part of the plan.
“i've just been too deep in my work, but you were right, i needed this. i should be able to sleep better now thank you.” you express your gratitude by leaning over and pressing your lips to his cheek once, then the corner of his lips were the taste of spices lingered.
cyno didn't reply at first, but seemed to be mulling over it until at last he nodded and offered his arm to help you stand.
“anytime you need me,” he reiterated.
not every time, a voice silked in your ear.
you're close.
its a fact that you can't escape, the truth of it seared into your brain. an inescapable thread of knowledge that puppets you through the remainder of the night and into the early stages of morning.
you're so close.
but you can't take that next step. at least not without killing yourself. tighnari mentioned how vision users were touched with a kind of ley line energy that helped smooth over encounters. it was why the forest rangers were so adamant about withering zone containment and steering away civilians.
the fox had come to you with the problem before, leading to the energy isolation device that helps dray in the excess energy. though you hadn't been able to be apart of the official experiment, based on the data he provided, you were assured that it worked well. better than his own expectations.
it not only absorbed the power, but converted it to use as a neutralizing agent to restore the area to its natural environment. but something like that drew attention, not only from the forest rangers but from animals alike that would flock to less contaminated regions.
you would need something smaller, more attuned to just yourself as a vector to allow you to traverse the region without disturbing the flow. something that would stay on your person, secure like jewelry.
the lull tapping of your pen against the desk paused as the idea came into fruition like the slow unravel of a flower in bloom. a bracelet, you could craft a ring that would send out small pulses similar to the purification device. strong enough to ward off the ley line's aura but contained to just you.
if it worked it would be something you could present to tighnari later. for now it would be a crude trial but with abbatouy's help it could be something that could be reproduced for mainstream use. a promise of safety for anyone, vision bearers and or not.
more evidence to the akademiya that abattouy iscapable of providing for the better good.
the world around your workshop moved on, time eating away the light as you pressed on. you persevered, fighting off the knaws of hunger with stale nuts and the low lull of music to distract from the exhaustion. it was well past dinner time when you finally clipped the device to your wrist.
the fit was tight but not intolerable. comfort was something you could tweak after it proved its worth. your body felt too aged from the day to even encourages your limbs to pull into a much needed stretch.
carefully, you packed up your tools and other assorted needs for your next trip. you were determined but not ignorant. rest would be necessary before you could venture into the wilds again. the last visit had not been kind to your unpracticed stumbling.
the sun is searing, a familiar sensation and at the same time one you can't ignore. it's uncomfortable in a way that won't let you relax. a determining when all you want to do is sleep.
there wasn’t a point where you could recall you last full night’s rest, but yesterday had taken its greatest toll on your body. you were well aware of the risks, even with the pseudo assurance of the device you’d built. this … project was consuming every waking hour and some with little progress to show for it. what you needed was to rest. maybe after your mind could recuperate.
“Is that what you think?”
you startle, whirling around as you take in your surroundings. for a moment the world blurs, gold and tan shifting to warm greens and browns. the scent of wet and pine fills your nostrils, yet the weight of the sun never leaves your skin.
your eyes widen as you take in the figure resting against the tree bark as if he’d never left. like he’d been waiting from the beginning, stands abattouy.
he's just as you remember, robed in akademiya fabrics with googles skewed but set firmly on his face. there was even the smudge of oil smeared against his cheek, a direct link to the inky stain coating his fingertips. it was him.
“abattouy..”
and then he smiles. archons, you missed that.
‘heard you were looking for me. why the long face?”
“aba—you..? how?”
he laughs then, sounding so at ease as he pushes off the tree. in a few strides he's in front of you, hands hot, stronger than the sun as they settle on your shoulders. yet you hardly notice, to swept in the reality that he was here.
“you're so close. i can't wait to show you everything i've accomplished so far. together we can finally do it. show the akademiya that they were wrong.”
your eyes sting as tears bubble to the surface. you want to reach up and wipe them away but find that you can't. abattouy's grin widens as the trails wet your cheeks.
“come find me, okay? we can do this.”
the tears come faster as you blink through them, eyes closing for a moment as you try to center yourself. “abba, i'm so sorry about cyno. i—i shouldn't have said anything. i didn't think he'd—”
abattouy frowns at that.
“don't worry about him. you've done good leaving him out this time. just come to me and i'll take care of it.” his thumbs come to your cheeks, smearing instead of wiping away the evidence. his touch is firm, pressing a thread above comfort as his nails dig in just a little bit. “you've got this. i believe in you.”
despite the instinct bleeding under your skin, urging you to wrestle away, you smile back. "see you soon."
a twisted smile curls on his lips.
"soon."
when you wake, the moon is still high in the sky yet the age of the night leaves a glow against your body. hardly wears on your conscience. for now you feel more awake than you ever had.
you don't know why … but you're invigorated. more determined than ever before. just a little more and you'd be there.
“where are you going?” you startled at the sleepy voice. turning, you found a slightly bloodshot but sleepily curious gaze. the sun was still a few hours away but it was obvious that the mahamantra had not been in bed for long. he must have drifted in somewhere between one fitful slumber to the next.
you began dressing under his speculative gaze, shrugging on a light robe to fight off the night chill. eventually you rounded the bed to his side, a response prepared on your lips,” just to the workshop. i've been laminating over some ideas and finally figured something out.”
no one would ever consider you an early riser but there were past occurrences like this where you'd wake up just to work through a puzzle or idea before it was lost. you expected cyno to let you go with that, accept the brief kiss and roll over. it came as a surprise when a firm arm looped around your waist instead.
the silver haired male dragged you to him, rather than bringing himself to full height. his exhaustion breathed against the sensitive skin under your jaw as he nuzzled into your neck.
“you've been spending a lot of time there.”
hidden from his probing gaze, your brow furrowed at the comment. the past few weeks, cyno himself had hardly been around to note your lack of presence. but that was something you were used to, the same couldn't be said for him.
you fought the urge to fidget, unsure of where the direction of this conversation was going.
“yeah, i just really want to crack this.”
cyno leaned back. you swallowed against the lump in your throat as his hand came to cup your cheek, thumb drawing small circles. “stay. tell me about it. let me help.”
it was obvious that he needed every bit of sleep he could get by looking at him, yet there was a sense of determination and a hint of something else you couldn't shake.
for the first time in a long time, you felt uncomfortable under his adj gaze. you stepped back and cyno released you with little resistance.
“you should get some sleep. we can talk about it later.”
before he could reply you dropped a final kiss to his lips and fled.
the sun kisses the horizon on the early path of ascension as you step into the crisp morning air. the early hour meant few distractions as you quickly tore through your shop, collecting the maps and the newest device before heading out. the merchant's map had added a few additional helpful details that had been previously overlooked
the avidya forest was once the ideal path to avoid the ermeties, who'd overtake the upper routes, but with the withering zones extending either direction was ideal. but corruption meant that ley line presence was near, it was just about calculating the right exposure.
the bracelet that hummed lowly on your wrist worked doubly as a protectant and detection. the low thrum would pick up a rhythm of pulses whenever activity spiked. you used it like a compass to lead you off the main utilitarian roads into the worn lines of the forest floor.
as the overhanging vegetation eats up the direct sunlight, you slowed your pace, taking into account the additional wildlife that might make a home out of it.
this route had once been used by the merchants hauling mechanical parts but had been abandoned when it was suspected to be new grounds for a withering zone. on the last trip, the merchant had reported odd symptoms while lagging through the forest. somewhere towards the heart of the undergrowth they'd been attacked, divesting them of most of their goods. most of the crew was nearing delirium at that point, so the culprit was still at large.
it had to be more machines.
you took a chance and angled left, carefully avoiding fallen branches and brambles. the sound of running water called to you and you navigated the rest of the way to the water's edge. it was a small ravine splitting sparse trees and flora growth. no indication of wildlife to be seen.
you stopped to listen, further ensuring your hypothesis when no answering caws or rumbles echoed through the ravine. a quick check of the bracelet showed that the pulses had slowed to a steady but strong rhythm. you were on the right trail.
every step was properly tracked this time, marking every slope and wildlife sighting. for the majority of the morning that was all you saw as you rounded towards the apex of the map. earlier you stumbled near a prowling patrol, managing to hide among the underbrush until they passed through.
you excursions would only last however long they remained outside of tighnari's knowledge.
the creeping heat had forced you to stop by the stream for a moment, letting the cool water pool in your palms before patting your cheeks to bring down the temperature. your gaze darts down to your wrist, noting the consistent rhythm it had stuck to for the last hour. it was both comforting and damning, narrowly avoiding the dangers so intricately woven with the clues you needed.
eventually you would need to begin tracing your steps. lately cyno had been more attentive and the brief interruption this morning was only more evidence of it. when and if he came looking, you needed to be found in a less compromising position.
with a huff, you rose to your feet and brushed off the bits of gravel. you were shaking the crack from your knee when a rustle of reeds draw your attention. there hadn't been much more than scattering hogs lately, though this close to the water's edge the possibility of spinocrocs wasn't impossible.
with careful muted steps you edge back, eyes trained on the location of the disturbance. you just manage to clear the marshes when you hear it.
the whirring sound power winding as the machine turned on its axis. you bolted, darting towards the trees for protection in preparation for the beam of light. you grunted under the heavy impact of bark as you slammed against the cover, safe but still detected.
what is it doing?
you had expected to feel the heat from the blast but no attack came. perhaps it was recalibrating? as it was, you refused to linger and find out. the weight of the dagger against your thigh felt like fickle reassurance as the clanking of metal parts near.
you rolled through the underbrush, gasping through the sharp knicks of stones biting at your skin. a low whimper escapes you as you thumb at the bone under the bracelet. the device had taken the brunt of the force but the echo of pain still throbbed. the dull thrum of its alerting system was hardly comforting as it aggravated the injury more.
you whirled to face the machine, as it crawled near. it teetered restlessly on its limbs, it's red gaze peering ominously at you.
then it turned, skating forward a few paces before looking back.
what in archon's name was going on?
despite instinct urging you to flee, you found yourself using the moment to catalog the creation. it was nothing like any ruin you'd seen or read about before. its gold and white colored plates flared out in a more defensive arrangement. but most importantly, it looked almost like … a crab.
had his been the mechanical being that had harassed the caravan?
the machine almost looked humbled on its teetering legs, red center glowing brightly. its body jerked in the direction in front of it, as if wanting to urge you along.
it made an odd garble of sounds as if confirming your thoughts.
the direction it panned ahead, was the path you had already come from, a stark difference from the land you still wanted to explore. biting your lip, you look back at the winding ravine down stream. the merchant had said the ruin had only been after mechanical parts, something you'd lacked. yet it had an interest in you, or at least your being.
whatever was down there, it did not want you finding out. peculiarity aside, the memories from your last encounter with its more offensive counterparts had not been kind.
“... alright, lead on then.”
the machine set has determined path along the slopes, guiding you through the forestry without pause.
as the adrenaline wore off, your body felt its toll. you groaned as your vision blurred at the edges and your body swayed in step. the stumble must have alerted the machine who turned on its axis.
“...?”
even without words, the concern was conveyed. with a strained smile, you waved it off, practiced at deflecting. “I'll make it.”
because you would, the hanging sun was already visible at the top of the path. you had just taken on more than you could account for and these were the consequences. but they did not come without gifts??
this machine was … sentient. able to discern friend from foe and devised a plan to reach it's goals.
“thank you”
it made a whirl of noises more exuberant and insistent than before.
a spike of nausea hit you and you nearly doubled over from the wave. there was no telling exactly what …
you'd be back. there had to be something there.
maybe even abattouy.
“....”
the machine made another series of sounds, that felt conclusive. while a shallow theory, you got the jist that it knew.
not to unlike your current predicament as you drug your worn body home. a faded pain of reminder gnawed at your stomach but you doubted you could sit long enough to think, let alone eat.
you breathed a sigh of relief as you managed to key the lock open on the first try, ready to fall face first into the bed, when you felt the weight of another gaze. the attention prickled against your skin but not with fear. at least not for your life as you humbled under cyno's gaze.
you push off from the closed door and walk further into the room, getting space between the two of you. your positioning is defensive, there is no denying the reclusiveness.
cyno appears… calm as he watches but you can tell he's thinking beyond whatever he prepared for your arrival.
“haldr asked when you would be open again. apparently you took on a bigger project. you never mentioned it before.”
you bite back a hiss as you shoulder off your belonging on to the table, “its nothing.”
cyno, surprising doesn't scoff despite the disbelief oozing from his voice. “its … nothing? but its enough to occupy a lot of your time.”
you avoid his gaze.
“will you at least talk to me?”
a dull thud begins knocking at your forehead. you cant do this. not now. “talk about what?”
the inhale he takes is audible, barely retaining his patience. “with whatever has you … tense. this isn't like your normal frustration.”
“and what does normal frustration look like exactly? i'm sure you're plenty familiar with it, right. surely the great mahatra is trained in noticing signs of stress to weedle out all the bad little scholars.”
cyno took a deliberate step forward and you echoed with another back. for a pregnant pause, you both stood silent at an impasse. you could see the road before you and where it led. this wasn't foreign ground between the two of you, just a road dusted over. “is this about your new research? what are you—”
you snap. “is this what this is … an investigation? is that how you cornered abattouy?”
you both froze at the name. the astronomical weight it carried telling so much yet not at all. the breath leaving your lips is more exaggerated now, pushing your chest out with each breath. it might just be the lightning but for a moment you swear there are beginning something darker than anger gathering in his eyes.
cyno eventually forced himself to speak. when he did, his voice was quiet but stoic. the headdress was missing but you were edging closer to the mahatra with every word. “abattouy was researching banned material. you know this.”
it had been a children's joke to think that where they'd left the argument last was the end. with all its abrupt and jagged edges, it was a wonder it made it this long without getting caught between them.
“but you knew he wasn't doing any harm. he just wanted to help people cyno.”
it hadn't just been a chase for academic achievement. abattouy wanted to prove that the forgotten warriors were more than just gears and parts. that their purpose reached more than time limited them to. the akademiya was not always right. it was not perfect and you were tired of shadowing the flaws.
“he was my friend,” you crack, moisture prickling at your eyes with emotions you couldn't begin to name. it was all overwhelming. the research, the secrets all boiling over to … this.
through blurred eyes you watch as cyno approaches carefully. not another word is said as he draws you in, arms tight around your quivering figure as he mutters soothing noises. for a moment you settle into the gentle rocking as he coaxes you down from your high.
it might take some convincing but maybe you could finally sway him. prove that not everything from the sages should be accepted without question. if tighnari could see the walls crumbling, then surely—
“there are rules you can't ignore.”
his words make your mind go blank—makes you want to scream, wait and give up within seconds of each other. ultimately, your body decides for you, shoulder rolling, you knock yourself free of his hold. you furiously wiped at your nose with the back of your hand.
“I wish the same could be said about the truth.”
you step around him, grabbing your shoulder bag and ripping the front door open. daylight was fading quickly but you would make it to your destination before nightfall.
the tears tracks on your face had managed to dry over the course of the trip. your lips still felt a little puffy from the moisture, but for the most part you were dried up and presentable. stars were just beginning to sprinkle against the sky as you hoisted yourself up the steps of gandarvale village. you hoped the lamps didn't bring too much attention to your face.
fortunately those you ran into were sparse as you near the top, almost concerningly so until you found the majority of the rangers gathered at the apex. you appeared to have stumbled upon the closing statement of a meeting, a rather informative sort as tighnari drew attention to a few diagrams at the center of the group.
the content of his words didn't stick, but the informative drawl that was so intricately tighnari eased the tension wholed up in your shoulders. you couldn't see collei from here but you hoped to avoid the girl for a bit until you were ready. she was a bit too perceptive for your nerves right now.
there were waves of applause, rather muted out of respect for the speaker as the group cleared. the crowd broke up neatly, not a single head of green in sight as the path to the front became free.
ashpazi was one of the few who lingered, drawing tighnari into a shallow discussion as the chief officer gathered his supplies. they both looked up at your arrival, the chef nodded politely and taking his leave.
lightly tsking, you waggled your fingers at the departing figure before you turned your full attention to the bemused fox.
“dissemination of information for public consumption, nari? you should have told me you were such a bad boy.”
tighnari appeared to lose more interest with each jest that left your lips, completely turning his back as he organized the pamphlets and materials. “what are you going to do, tell cyno?” he seems to find a private laugh at the thought, rarely finding reason to imagine his former institution bringing him to 'justice'. “please, i'd like to see them try to prosecute me.”
when he turned back around, he found your features frozen in a state of … shock? what had he said that'd been so surprising? surely you didn't think that he actually feared being investigated. the akademiya couldn't afford to lose his medical research. besides the bimarestan wouldn't be able to function at that kind of capacity without his intervention.
part of him worried he might have hit a deeper nerve. why were you here again?
your wide eyed awe, left little to ground his suspicions on. that was more cyno's gift.
and yet.
“wow, tighari. i can see why you're so inspirational here.”
tighnari rolled his eyes, frankly exhausted with the day as it was. while he never turned down a visit from you, you'd picked a hell of a time to show up. in fact, it was odd enough to see you come unprompted at this hour. his gaze narrowed as it picked you over with more scrutiny, not missing how your mask crackled further revealing the stress lines you'd tried to shadow with humour.
the fox laid back down his materials, uncaring for the ones that rolled off the table. “hey … are you sleeping okay?” it was fading, but there was a hint of redness in your gaze. he hadn't followed up on your odd curiosity in the ruins since he'd taken you nearly a fortnight ago. it had seemed like such a passing whim then, but perhaps there was more. “cyno not been home?”
you don't really want to answer the question but you know he'll pry. "we...actually had a fight."
tighnari made a soft sound, brow pinched at the thought. that would have been his third guess but he had hoped not to get that far. “about … abattouy or your research on the ancient machines?”
you weren't shocked by assumptions. tighnari was smart enough to piece together your intentions even if he wasn't completely sure of how far you'd taken it. in truth, both guesses existed within each other.
“mostly slaughtered. but he's starting to notice other things.”
“well i think i'd be mad at him if he acknowledged anything less.” tighnari never forgot his initial irritation with cyno's attentiveness the first time they'd crossed paths. he had recently branched off from the akademiya, in good faith. however those still seemed to insist on dragging his name through the forest, figuratively speaking. cyno had crept around on mere rumours, still fresh in his role as part of the matra.
tighnari, of course, had nothing to hide, only showing his true colors until the man was satisfied with what he found, you included.
their friendship had managed to stick despite their differing associations with the akademiya. tighnari was comfortable playing outside the rules while still understanding the game, whereas cyno was still carrying the manual. you, unfortunately staggered between them.
tighari pressed his palm against his forehead, a precursor to the throbbing that was sure to come as this situation reared its true head. “i forget how easy it is for me to pretend the akademia isn't such a big deal.”
“yeah we're not all geniuses like you who can just leave.”
tighnari shrugs casually, eyes glittering. “you could.”
the offer was always there. a hanging thread for you to think about whenever you passed under it. it was hard not to consider the freedom. but ultimately, it had never been worth giving up the access to knowledge. at least not yet. you weren't tighnari. able, yes, but not worth enough for scholars to come knocking at your door or asking for pictures.
tighnari draws your attention with a click of his tongue,”i hope you packed for the night. there is no chance of me sending you back.” it was glaringly obvious that was not the case, but you hadn't really thought past escaping in that moment. but a forest ranger was always equipped for any situation.
“thank you. kind of figured you'd try to get rid of me after a while. i know i push your buttons too.”
tighnari smiles, softened with a bitter taste of pity. fortunately the warmth of his embrace makes up for it.,” i could never get rid of you.”
by the time collei stumbles upon you, she's weighed down with extra blankets and a change of clothes. the mood is pleasantly lifted by her excitement towards the impromptu sleepover. though tighnari manages to overshadow it with his insistence for you both to not stay up too late.
in his wake, he leaves a pot of tea.
if you could dream, it would be of forests and fungi.
eventually you left the village after caving to tighnari's threat of breakfast. collei had been more fond than distributed by the abrupt sleepover, and you found yourself feeling the same. falling asleep in the forest had done more wonders for you than expected. your mind felt clearer and better able to process the thoughts rooting around.
enough so that you followed the urge leading you to the library at the heart of the akademiya. it had been awhile since you set foot into the archives, not needing it much since discovering abattouy's notes.
but the meeting with the crab ruin had made you realize there was one correlation you had yet to resolve.
zandik.
the name had to have some meaning to abattouy for him to hide away those research notes like that. in place of what the akasha couldn't provide, you would have to inquire around it. your access to the upper regions should still be intact, or at least alhaitman hasn't made any notice of otherwise.
perhaps a clue of something would be noted.
it really had been awhile since you'd stepped into sumeru city. you'd rarely needed to venture here past the need to report to your superiors. you'd forgotten how stiff it felt.
a familiar weight of eyes fell on your shoulders, such as the attention you garnered as the significant other of the mahamantra. there was a reason why your friends were either found in the forest or the ports.
“but … this feels different,” you couldn't help but mutter to yourself.
you were used to the occasional averted eyes and hesitant greetings. but today they seemed to have added hushed whispers to the mix. frankly, you would have harbored a complex had you not noticed an errant hand pointing you out. the gesture was quickly reeled back as the student realized you had noticed, face flush with embarrassment as they skittered away.
it was odd.
it had been less than twenty four hours since you last saw cyno, but you doubted even he could garner this kind of reaction.
given that no one outright approached, you pressed on. the conversations floated around you like static, pinching more than just your nerves as you fought to ignore it. you knew scholars could be rude at times but this was just ridiculous.
the sight of the grand doors at the entrance of the library came as a relief. at the very least out of respect the whispering wouldn't be heard.
readjusting the pack over your shoulder, you quickened your pace down the short staircase into the house of daena. you are relieved to at least see the familiar face of yusef seated behind the information desk.
“yusef, how are you today? is there something in the air or is it just me?”
the man in question jolted at the sound of your voice. you watched perplexed as he struggled to meet your gaze. a sound of .. something made it past his lips, but he avoided interacting past that.
now you were concerned.
though sparse, the eyes inside the open room still managed to find you. head ducked down, you skirted towards the center elevator, ready to find peace in the seclusion. you were not looking forward to this discussion with cyno, above all else the two of you still needed to address.
stepping onto the platform, your foot tapped restlessly as you awaited for the mechanism to recognize your access.
except this time, nothing happened.
frowning, you tapped against the device at your ear, even though the dread eating at your stomach alluded to what would not occur.
if anything, you felt even more on display as you stood uselessly, outright denied the access you had expected.
more than anything, you were ready to escape back to the comforts of the port. just as you began to step off the platform, a new set of eyes fell on your back.
it was the voice that spoke your name that had you turning before your brain could pick up on the warning present in the tone and surrounding situation.
“cyno?”
you realize a step late that this is not your lover but the general of the mahamantra.
a mix of feelings put your insides in turmoil as you were led from the library by the head of the matra. the only falling grace was that no one spoke in the presence of cyno, not daring to draw his attention. in fact, they scattered like beetles the moment he came into view.
cyno also refrained from speaking as he led the way to the administrative branch of the akademiya. towards a set of rooms you hadn't seen in years. and most certainly under different circumstances.
“i didn't even know you used this office anymore, “ you joked. naturally, it should have been a given that he was expected to conduct investigations which would surely lead to a multitude of files to keep track of. the man was always on the move, but everyone had a place to store their thoughts.
he'd just never invited you before. though now you were realizing that it was a good thing.
cyno didn't seem to find any interest in your idle chatter, purposely stepping around your figure. the empty air between your bodies as he passed felt stifling in comparison to the affectionate taps he would often humor you with for the sake of contact.
it was a clear cut indicator that you were no longer dealing with just cyno but the general mahamantra.
the man himself considers you with a steely gaze as he flips through a collection of notes on his desk. the fact that he chose to lean against the integrity rather than settling in the seat behind it gave you mixed feelings. almost as if he was punishing himself in order to share your discomfort.
it was everything you regretted when you would sit in your workshop lamenting over your decisions to seek out zandik's research. no amount of personal discovery could amount to the utter blanket of disappointment hanging over the room.
since the mahamantra set the stage, you angled to meet him halfway. you wouldn't be generous with information like you would cyno. emotions were not welcome here, nor would any past affiliations. all that matters was the information at his fingertips and how much of it would be held accountable to you.
when it became apparent that the dynamic had changed and you wouldn't be speaking first, the man stepped headfirst into his role.
“sources have implied that you have been digging into classified archives of information.”
the mahamtra didn't ask it as a question so you didn't answer. he didn't look at you either as he selected one of the sheets, his gaze dragging slowly over the information you were sure he'd already committed to memory before summoning you here.
“you were originally permitted to access, however, concerns began to rise when you were found attempting to further acquire restricted files on zandik.”
the mahamantra casually dropped the paper back on his desk, leaving it to flutter precariously to the edge. “any information on zandik is inherently flagged due to its nature leading to the expulsion of the said student. the prominent addition of redacted tags scattered through the documents should have been reason enough to advise caution.”
still no questions, replayed in your mind like a mantra. no questions meant there was nothing for you to answer to. these were all facts, yes, but no accusations were made. while a thin and very translucent shield, you were protected by the very truth that you had not acted on any of that information. read as you may, while restricted, there were no experimentations to flag you on.
the fact alone that you only had the mahamantra to face and not the slew of corps?? dragging you from your home was testament enough to that. they had suspicions and while that was enough to trigger concern, it wasn't tangible to the point of retribution.
you knew this and so did the mahamantra. this wasn't his typical game of cat and mouse—prey versus predator—because despite the academics of your standings, you would never see each other on anything but equal footing.
it was evident in the way his gaze was pointedly staring at you now, jaw tense. the choreographed calm was hardly semantic: cyno was pissed.
unfortunately it was a sore victory to see him crack first.
“what were you thinking?” he hoisted, barely managing to keep his temper and volume separate.
you internally winced at the question, hating the vagueness it offered. there would never be a right answer, no magic response to whisk you out of this situation. you were wrong, even more so when you considered exactly what you planned to do with that research if given the time.
the fact that they were advancing on involvement alone meant that the sages knew what you were capable of, given your inclination towards machines. at best they hoped you were just overly curious, but they wouldn't be able to ignore the ability you had to bring a sense of nightmare to the city that you didn't dream.
“i was curious …” you started, carefully constructing your words with each thought. ``he just disappeared cyno and no one seems to care. there have been no sightings of him anywhere. not even aaru village. i thought that maybe if i just followed his trail.”
it was instantaneous but inevitable that your emotions would bleed through the speech. this wasn't just a project anymore, it was your goal. and if you had even the smallest opportunity to guarantee cyno's understanding then you would seize it.
carefully, you chance the first step in his direction. while the sages was left to gamble on evidence, cyno knew for a fact what you would do if given the mile. which made your relationship all the more precarious because in his position he shouldn't be looking at this situation from more than one perspective. it had always just been students and researchers alike against the strict rulings. no leeway or forgiveness.
it was never about a person. it wasn't supposed to be you.
“cyno,” you said calmly,” he was my friend. i wont just forget about him”
“tell me its just about abattouy.”
you started at the request,” what?”
“tell me you just found your friend. make me believe that you're not attempting something well over your head. because if it's what they suspect .. if they find anything even the slightest that aligns with their judgment then—” his voice was so low you could feel it reverberating under your skin. but worse was his eyes. gone was the stoic and stout unforgiveness of the mahatra and bestowed upon you was the pleading gaze of a man who wanted the promise that you'd be able to wake up beside him again.
“cyno, i—”
the man took the additional steps needed to place him at your feet. his hands came up to cup your cheeks as his forehead tapped against your own, holding you there.
“tell me, so i can convince them that you're not at fault.”
he was pleading with you. voice desperate for a truth that would fit a better narrative.
or a lie that would make it all go away.
cyno tensed as your hands closed over his.
“my purpose for researching zandik was under the assumption that i could unlock more of abattouy's research in an attempt to discover his location.”
you briefly staggered under the unexpected weight as cyno sagged into your body. there wasn't anything else to be said, because he didn't want to hear more.
this was a truth that you could both lean on.
at least until the other side of the coin flipped
your first instinct is to return to the workshop, which is a dangerous gamble but not every project should face the consequences of your actions. cyno had given you a warning, something not many scholars can hope for.
the streets are bare as you race through them, no doubt filing into their homes as the matra came through. they knew what to expect. it hadn't been the first time.
and this was no different. you could see the similarities the moment you approached the door that swung ominously on loose hinges. without cyno to give them access, the matra had likely just kicked it in.
it wasn't a promising omen for what awaited you inside.
it was as if a tornado had blasted through the already limited space. every cupboard was open, various projects were upturned and each and every book and collection of notes were strewn on the floor in a mountain of paperback and tattooed pages.
nothing had changed.
not a damn thing.
scoping the area, your eyes fell on the familiar design of the coffee machine you had been promising to finish for haldr for ages. you'd become so obsessed with your progress, you haven't even touched it since making the promise. it was now a shell of what it should be.
you carefully picked it up, titling it side to side. once was a coincidence, but you doubted anyone would trust a workshop that had been raided twice.
with a heavy exhale that never seemed to end, you straightened out the overturned table and set the device on top. no part of you was ready to return home, regardless if cyno would be back or not.
instead, you tied up your hair and fell into the seat with an exhale that never seemed to end. you managed to find your tools somewhere in the mess. and so you went to work, ignoring the aftermath of your consequences as it lay in shambles around you.
“you know, this place might hold the record for most raid's in a single location.”
you looked up to find alhaitham standing in the doorway. not even the effort to be annoyed with him was found.
you don't know how long you'd sat there. you'd long given up on the original design and begun reconstructing the coffee marker from scratch. there was no humor in your voice as you went along with the jest, “not the scholar's den?”
the establishment was a unique mix of a tavern and library, housed in the lower parts of the port. it was a popular meeting spot for scholars and traders alike in the pursuit of knowledge. it was conveniently also a fruitful breeding ground for scandals and violations.
alhaitman seemed to consider it. “Yeah, okay. that's a tough spot to beat.”
the hum you let out of noncommittal, joke dead between your lips. picking up the screwdriver again, you refocused on the task at hand. it was evident to both parties how your hands trembled but neither commented.
in truth, it could have been worse. so much worse. the fact that you'd even been allowed to walk freely was a testament to it all.
“i realize you probably don't want to talk but .. i do have some questions.”
he was right and you tried to ignore him. putting your head down, you attempted to reseal one of the parts but your shaky hand dropped the tool. exasperated but determined, you picked it up again and attempted to seal the piece but the limb was stable enough to tighten the screw in place. the small metal piece dropped, rolling away and you cursed under your breath.
“i need to know what else you've uncovered about zandik.”
the name registered with suspicion, unable to ignore you turned around slowly on your tool. his eyes searched your face for a moment, before his arms unraveled from in front of his chest, revealing a familiar tattooed book.
you couldn't hide the recognition from your face as your hand darted out to snatch it back.
alhaitman dodged the attempt, lip turning in disapproval at your scowl. “be lucky i was the one to find it and not them. had it been the other way around, you would not have been nearly as lucky. not even cyno could have gotten you out of it.”
he was right.
with a sigh, you turned back around though your hands couldn't bring themselves to resume the task. while you doubted alhaithtam had done it with your consideration in mind, it certainly had done you a favor that wouldn't be easy to repay.
you could hear him walk around behind. he tapped his knuckles on the table, then pulled up a turned over crate to sit on. he sat a good foot lower, giving you ample view as he flipped comfortably through the pages.
“not to belittle your plight, but this is a bit important,” he said after a moment. “an expelled scholar has been reported within the city. though the chances of correlation are slim … i'd like to cover all my bases in regard to banned research.”
with a sigh, you reached out for the book. alhaitham's eyes narrowed as your fingers wiggled in his face before he relented. with practiced ease, you flipped towards the back of the book where your nail slipped under the seam and rid the letter from its hiding place. you handed it over without a fight.
“this was all i have on it. abattouy has some scattered notes about ley lines throughout but this was the only conclusive material i had going. it's not much.”
alhaitham kept your gaze for a minute before he took the letter. waiting, you crossed your arm on the table and rested your chin as he read it over.
“its impressive how close you both came to such sensitive material, right under the akedemiya’s noses,” he said, getting up and smoothing over his clothes. “granted, you both got caught in the end.” when you didn't reply, he sighed. maybe it was just your exhaustion playing tricks on you, but he almost sounded guilty. “as far as i'm aware, what cyno knows is the summation of what was reported to the sages. aside from the mentions of mechanical life, the ley line research is more aligned with the spantamad. it was your saving grace, but also your last chance.”
alhaitam tapped the notebook against the crown of your head, “you should get home and get some rest. you look like shit.”
finding normalcy did not come easy. cyno did not bring up anything more about the investigation and you left out your impromptu meeting with alhaitham. more annoyingly, the gossip mill churned heavily around you.
the lover of the general mahamantra under investigation, brought up more concern about his character than yours. though the details of the inspection were not up for public release, speculation still ran rampant.
for due to your relationship alone, it was assumed that whatever punishment served was reduced in half. it was one reason why you avoided the workshop for the last few days. you'd done your best to ignore the sneers and backhanded comments while finally finishing the repairs on haldr's new coffee machine.
the man hadn't even blinked at your excuses, gratefully pushing the coin pouch into your hands as he held up the device. at least there was one spot you were welcome without judgement.
the silence your home awarded you, was the winning decision. though you did your best to hide the jitters, you were beginning to drop one too many cups and plates to be normal. cyno had first watched from a distance, respecting your boundaries. but after the fourth plate shattered before dinner, he was nearing his wits end.
without asking, he took on the menial task of serving both tea and food and cleaning up behind. you couldn't bring yourself to be vocal with your complaints, too relieved.
your silence is two parts, spiteful and reserved. to be honest, you still weren't sure how to approach the conversation. the other part of you wasn't ready to suffer through it. when it was quiet, it was easier to stomach the dull thud still present.
working through it at the workshop had been hell, with frequent bouts of nausea. without the distraction of your research, it was difficult to stomach how you'd lasted this long.
eventually, you gave up, secluding yourself in the bedroom.
you spent the remaining hours of daylight holed up in bed with just your thoughts and the muted sounds of cyno moving around the house. he was typically a quiet man on his own, but you could tell he kept a one-sided conversation for your benefit as he humored ali.
they were nonsensical words about everything and nothing. just an open invitation that when you were ready he was willing to talk. but the offer went unanswered.
when cyno finally cracked open the bedroom door, your stance hadn't changed. he'd come in carrying a light snack and a slip of something, likely medication, to help it go down. rather than leave it at that, he thing to sink into the bed by your hip. you refused to meet his eyes, keeping your gaze level with his knee.
“i invited tighnari and collie over,” he explained in a gentle tone after the silence stretched too far for two people.
when you didn't offer anything, he continued on.
“collei said she'd bring dinner. Figured you might want me out of the kitchen for a bit, give you something fresh. but don't tell her i spilled the beans.”
he wasn't expecting your laughter, but he'd hoped for a twist of your nose or even you turning his back to him. he'd accept any kind of response over this alternative.
you hated the way he said your name, the shadow of his hand spilling over your cheek. there was a note of something different. helplessness was the only way you could describe it. you didn't know what else it could be, but it didn't follow the man who was in control of a small militia.
it made you feel even more ill. your forced eyes more tears out and you didn't bother to contain them. they dribbled down your face, sideways, onto the pillow.
it was definitely helplessness, you decided. almost feeling cruel in your theory as the man above you struggled to formulate a any kind of affection and understanding that you would accept.
when it became clear that seclusion was the best gift he could offer, he reluctantly slide off the bed with a wearied exhale. something else escapes his lips at the same time, but you've already closed yourself off, willing your body to sleep.
at least in the darkness of your slumbers, you could finally be alone.
you blink awake to the smell of food in the air. you only have a brief thought to the acceptance that cyno is home before additional voices filtered through.
tighnari and collei.
bettedly, you fall back against the sheets wishing you hadn't woken up at all. tighnari was one thing to face. though you weren't sure if you could had not the dichotomy between his disappointment and collei's concern.
a weak groan leaves you as you sit up, head swimming in a way that is markedly worse than what you went to bed with. the urge suddenly hits you and you stumble out of bed, barely making it to the bathroom before throwing up the remnants of your stomach contents.
you don't notice the lull in conversation at first, but the knock on the bathroom door is warning enough. your throat burns as you cough, attempting to rid your mouth of spit before you speak.
“don't worry, its me. cyno said you had not been feeling yourself so i brought tea.”
“I already have some on the kettle. why don't you get washed up and get back in bed. unless you need some help?”
a few convulsions wrack your body, but you managed to convince him weakly that you'll make it. his shadow hesitates at the door before he rescinds, likely to ease collei's concern.
disgust claws up your throat as you force yourself to stand, avoiding the mirror as you fold over the sink. you force mouthfuls of water past your lips until the bitter taste is gone.
you ignore the way the house quiets again as you exit the bathroom, comforted solely by the way they can't see you stumbling back into the room without effort. the sheets are thankfully cool from your absence and you can't bring yourself to pull them around you just let.
just as your eyes are beginning to droop, tighnari enters after a brief knock.
the tea claps gently as he sets his against the nightside table.
“cyno told me you were under a bit of stress so this should help.”
you thoughts stray to the possibilities of what else they might have discussed though they don't reach far before the thundering returns. with a wince you force your face into the sheets, wondering how long it would take to smother it all away.
tighnari sighs, a weighted sound that sinks into your bones,”i feel partially to blame for taking you to the ruin sight. i thought it might help whatever you were fixed on but if i'd known..”
your heart aches at the blame that settled over him but you can't brink your lips to move.
tears wet the pillow as a soft hand smooths through your hair.
“I'm leaving some medicine as well. but at least try to down the tea. it should help.”
there is a pause, indicating that he wants to say more—so much more, but he relents.
“we’ll talk more when you're feeling better.”
"it's a shame it all had to end like this. so close to the truth.”
you twist in the darkness, illness forgotten as you struggle to locate the source. its not one you recognize, yet it feels so familiar. so intimately aware of you.
the voice returns as a tsk behind. “your body was just too weak for the truth. it's a wonder that you survived this long. it was no wonder that he had withheld so much from you.”
abattouy. you knew it—whatever it was, meant abattouy.
cold hands curl around your shoulders, drawing you back into the abyss. when you inhale, you smell brimstone and ashes. the chest at your back rumbes as it laughs. “he was better off without you.”
that was the last straw. you whirl around, seeing red despite visbal scene around you. “I would have found him. i would have searched the ends of tevyat for him.”
suddenly a figure fills the space, looming over you with a cruel curl to his lips. for some reason you couldn't meet his eyes, not to say there weren't there but masked yet there were no defining features. it didn't matter. the smirk on his lips spoke volumes of the wrongness surrounding his identity. it steps forward and places a finger under your chin until your eyes meet the space where it should be.
“then find him. you're the only one who can after all.”
“i can't,” you whisper as you try to pull yourself away but your body refuses to comply. the darkness clings to your skin as you struggle, chaining you to the spot. it was already over, there was nothing left for you to chase.
the laughter that bellows from its lips is loud. everywhere and overwhelming.
“but if you don't, who will?”
when you come to the next morning, the space beside you is cold but not entirely absent. a folded sheet of paper was left for you to find. the content's of cyno's familiar scrawl lay forgotten as you push yourself to your feet and stumble into yesterday's clothes.
your legs feel weak and unsteady but you manage to exit the room without falling into anything. by the time you reached the main living area, the first prickles of exhaustion sunk back into your bones. your breaths cam out short and forced. as it was, it was difficult to keep the nausea at bay while moving or standing still so you pressed on.
the feeling of ali brushing against your calves hardly registers as your focus narrowed in on the doors that led outside.
you were surely a sight to the few early morning faces that fluttered about starting their day. their words were muddy, articulatory lost to the sound of crashing waves against your skull. it hardly mattered, they couldn't help. no one could help. it had to be you.
'you're the only one who can find him after all.'
the sounds of the waking port soaked into the earth of the broad plains until the path became encroached by the thick vegetation of the forests. the vines slithered around your feet, sinking you further into the earth with each step deeper until it had risen to your ankles.
everything still hurts.
however, the suffering was far outweighed by that of abattouy.
'if you don't, who will?'
how long had it been now since anyone had gone looking for him. had he given up as well?
you hated it. all of it. not just abattouy's disappearance, or cyno's intervention or tighnari's disappointment, but the way none of it seemed to end. day by day you pressed through the doubts, pushed your body through the trials and still came out prize free. it only hurt more and it was becoming a miserable push through the dark waters just to keep your head high.
'it's a shame it all had to end like this. so close to the truth.'
your knees buckle from the unnatural pressure, world hazy as you try to blink through the oncoming headache. you should have never returned, you weren't built to withstand this. and if you could barely last a few hours, the chances of abu—
“the price of knowledge is an unimaginable gamble, though when the cards are played right the fruit can be beyond your wildest dreams.
the world tilts as a figure comes into view, defenseless as it nears.
“yet for strong minds, it's not enough to just hold the fruit. you must consume it to feed the hunger for more.”
your gaze darts around, unable to focus on anything; too many unfamiliar features to grasp. from the fur lined coat of season in the humid, hot heat to the strange beak-like mask shrouding part of the face from view.
a surge of fear triggers your heartbeat, the harsh thud knocking against your chest as the stranger leers closer. whatever they had in store for you wasn't something you could counter as floating spots appearing in your dimming vision. your limbs feel beyond reach as you blink through the salty sting of tears.
as the hand reaches towards, your eyes shut and you hope that there is nothing left of you to find. perhaps it would be easier for cyno to move on without the memory after your final breath.
"traveller, look! paimon sees someone!”
another strange voice, one from above.
the touch you expect never comes as a hum of consideration rumbles,”a good scientist knows when to accept a failed experiment.”
“I know them. hold on, we're on the way!”
that's … tighnari!
you try to warn him, but blackness claims you instead.
calloused, gentle hands carry you steadily but quickly.
another voice—familiar yet audibly concerned with a touch of hysteria.
“what happened?”
“oh good you’re here, take them.”
tighnari doesn’t wait for a response, and your body shifts from one set of hands to the next.
“i should … i need to investigate this.”
“you need to be here. the general mahamantra can wait.”
above you cyno sighs.
“... there is something else. but i can address that later.”
—darkness returns, but this time you welcome it.
the process of regaining consciousness comes in stages.
it starts with a splitting headache and the taste of something bitter. you want to drag yourself to the horizon of awareness, but the task feels foggy and slow. every fiber of your body feels too heavy to respond to the simplest command.
the easiest thing to do is to sleep. so you fall back under.
from there on you fade in and out, conversations drifting above your lack of wakefulness.
“it was lucky we found them, the level of exposure was at a dangerous level. they … had this device on their wrist but i think they were too affected for it to have effect” the clink of something clutters against the table. “i should have recognized the symptoms earlier but i would have never guessed they were in a contaminated region.”
“what were they doing there?”
“i … imagine it's something to do with abattouy.”
cyno hoists.
“we fought a small group of mechanical machines before finding them. but what's important was the vasanti grass we recently acquired. its still fresh and will do the job.'”
you couldn't make out cyno's reply, voice too low.
“we have a camp set up, i'll return to the traveler to scope out the cause. “
there was a shuffle of belongings, likely tighnari gathering a few extra supplies before his departure. somewhere beside you cyno lets out a grunt.
“no, you should stay here. their case … is a little more severe than yara's. collei can manage the medication, but i would feel better if they're watched over. “
then there is stillness.
followed by coolenes—a gentle cold that settles against your cheek.
“it will be alright, they're resilient.”
when you wake up again, the haze is going and it takes considerably less effort to open your eyes. you rouse to the press of palm to your forehead that's more comforting than inquisitive. you recall feeling hot at one point but couldn't recall if anyone had mentioned a fever.
the touch responds to the soft noise you make as your head twists to take in your surroundings. despite your distorted awareness, it had been safe to assume that you'd been brought to the first rangers headquarters. within tighnari's custody, there was no chance of you nearing the bimarstan.
the same hand smooths over the crown of your head and you open your eyes to see the blurry shape of cyno settled bedside. there is a mixture of relief and frustration in his eyes as you blink to clear your sight, an expected look that will soon be accompanied by an overdue talk.
his lips part but no sound comes out at first. he considers his word before letting them go. “they figured you'd wake soon. last night was your first fitful-free sleep.”
you make one attempt to sit upright before giving up altogether when your elbows can't support the weight.
a firm hand comes behind your back, urging you up a smidge to righten the pillow under you. it's not much but it gives you illusion sitting up for the first time in days.
“you'll need food to help get your strength back. all you've been able to handle until today was your medicine.”
a cough escapes you and you wince as you realize how dry your throat feels. “i— where is tighnari?”
cyno's brow furrows, as he offers you a cup of water. "he'll be handling this investigation." there is no doubt that he's not pleased by that fact. quite a few of your actions are sure to have earned his ire.
you take a slow sip of water, both out of consideration for your stomach and the direction of this conversation. it was time the two of you stopped patching up the issue with bandages only to rip it back open the moment it started to heal.
it was maddening because no part of you enjoyed arguing with the man, you just wanted to be heard.
but in doing so, perhaps it was time for you to listen as well.
the cup was nearly empty but you held onto it, needing a plausible distraction as you fumbled with your words.
where do you even begin? an apology seemed like the easy way out, but what did that leave to address?
“am i going to be expelled?”
that was a valid concern.
cyno sighed heavily and took the cup anyway. his clothing was wrinkled and there was noticeable bags under his eyes. “the prior probation still stands, this last incident was not reported due to the inconclusive nature.”
you were certain the inconclusiveness had a name and rather large ears. it was a shallow victory, you were still in for a second talk whenever tighnari returned. part of you hoped it would just be a colding. your memories were still a hazy muddled mess with little recollection value.
cyno always looked so much younger without his headdress, though his voice remained aged as he spoke.
“we both could have handled this situation better. i did…look for him.”
cyno's chin dropped to his chest. “there are few people who could evade me, but i figured he was just … gone. there was no word of him in aaru village. there had been a few reports of a scholar seeking supplies but by the time i reached the trail it was cold.”
the admission comes as a surprise to you. for the longest, cyno had been so reserved about abattouy, refraining from going into too much detail about his reports or sentencing. but it had never been out of spite.
“there was nothing to be found, and i didnt want you chasing a ghost.” his voice cracked and he looked at you, stark misery on his face. it wasn't just that, he looked exhausted and it pricked your own guilt. ''i thought time would work it out or at least bring some conclusion but that was my fault.”
you reached out for his hands, rubbing the backs as your emotions melted into acceptance.
“the last time i came to you … it resulted in aba's expulsion.”
“abattouy was well under investigation before you came to me. it was only then that i realized we held off too long.”
held off too long? cyno never prolonged an investigation... which mean that he— you choke back a sob.
“his studies allied with the spantamad for a while. through observation of the ley lines, inquiring about the machines wasn't completely restricted. it was enough to keep him on the watch list. but when you…”cyno finds comfort in intertwining your hands. “when you came to me with so much hope. it wasn't just about studying, he had intentions we couldn't ignore. i couldn't let him take you—.”
he was protecting you. in order to keep you safe, he had to agree on aba. had it been inevitable? likely, but if he'd held out any longer, how involved would you have gotten?
cyno pressed his lips to your joined hands, “i couldn't protect you both.”
no, it wasn't his fault. he shouldn't harbor the blame for the actions of others.
“I shouldn't have made your job harder. i was so convinced that he was out there and he needed help.''
for the first time since it all happened, you found it easier to devest information. ''i found his notebook. he must have hidden it as a spare. i thought if i could just find him, he'd come back?” cyno was right, you'd been so hopeful and naive and look where it got you. “I don't know. i didn't work out the finer details.”
“we both need to work on communication.” he tries to smile, a broken thing but with time maybe you could heal that too.
“i realize my job isn't ideal when it comes to confessing but as long as you're safe, you can talk to me about anything.” he opened his mouth to speak but stopped. “even … not just …” he looks at you again but his face is different now—softer. “I trust you. i think we can work towards an agreeable medium between our jobs.”
you extract one of your hands from his grip and place it against his check, letting the thumb run over the skin.”at the very least the sages were right to facilitate information on the ley lines. it's pretty dangerous. i'm starting to feel like a rebellious child, maybe they aren't so bad.”
cynos arms come around you as he pulls you close, hiding his face in your shoulder. his hand caresses the top of your head and you shuffle against him until your face is buried against his throat. it gives you the facade that you can hide away from the world, if only for a little bit.
“no, you were right,”
you lips mouth against the ornament of his uniform taken back by the sudden change in his stance. “cyno?”
he squeezes you once, before guiding you back down to rest. his mouth brushes against your forehead,” it's nothing for you to worry about. rest.”
it takes a few days for you to feel confident enough to sit upright in bed without assistance. your insides feel properly rooted in their respective crevices for the first time since you woke up in the avidiya forest.
they still have you on broths and clear soups. by now your stomach has settled enough to handle something richer but you believe the menu is part of tighnari's punishment.
cyno comes in and out, more lately. outside of the city, your akasha is as useless as a piece of jewellery. though you're still not convinced you have full privileges yet. cyno instead sustains you with light reading from your own personal library, satisfying your boredom with fantasy novels.
you're just flipping to the next chapter, voiced aged after reading the last few aloud when tighnari appears.
he gives you a brief once over, before his gaze darts to cyno who has relaxed against the bedside chair listening quietly. you can't miss the slight frown tipping at the ranger's lips as he gestures for the matra to follow.
cyno presses a kiss to your furrowed brow before filing out behind him. you weren't sure if tighnari had been gone the entire time or not. the instructions towards your care never ceased, though collei was practiced enough at the point to work confidently in your stead. in the end, you doubted you would have gone this long without a scolding had he been in range.
their conversation was muted behind the leaf covering, though their silhouettes were still visible. tighnari held the reigns of the conversation for the longest before cyno intervened. the pair appeared to argue before tighnari's ears drop. there was a pause before the entrance splits and he comes in alone.
Glad to see you've made a full recovery.
“I haven't thanked you for that properly yet. so—”
tighnari interrupts you,” you're an idiot. but i take responsibility for you. what you did was substainably stupid and could have gotten you killed. on multiple occasions but i'm sure you've learned that lesson.”
you open your mouth to speak but he gives you that look.
“it seems, in part your efforts were not in vain. “
he takes cyno's vacant chair with a haggard sigh, you realize how much everyone has been through.
“we were already investigating the area we found you in. some merchants had reported losing mechanical parts to machines.” he laughs without humour. “maybe i should have consulted you. but i—” shakes his head.
“after we brought you here we returned and came across a lab that was feeding on ley line energy. we … we found slaughter there. he couldn't withstand the effects and his body gave out.”
the pressure is back behind your eyes and the urge to just let loose and cry is near overwhelming. tighnari aware of it all, moves closer until your chin rests on his shoulder. he wraps his arms around you in a firm hug.
“when it's safe, i'll take you to the lab. i think it will be good closure for you to finally put it all to rest,” he whispers as his hold tightens, grounding you.
you want answers. want to scour it all to finish it all now, but you know your body can't take it.
“no one other than cyno knows what we stumbled across. to be honest, it's too dangerous for anyone to be trying to excavate it. i shut down the ley lines but we agreed to leave it be until it's safe to access again. i'll personally monitor the area to see that no one wanders where they shouldn't.”
you feel the heat of tighnari's breath as he exhales and squeezes you once again.
“there was something else.”
you bite your lip to keep it from wobbling too obviously.
“abattouy was partially successful it seems. the one reason we found him was in part with the assistance of a machine named karkata. it seemed … close to him. there is a chance it might know more. it's actually very intelligent though its communication less to be desired. honestly, the fact that abattouy got that was is remmarbke. if it had not been for the ley line usage..”
he realizes he's rambling and pauses.
“there are some things i'm certain on but i'm not all knowing.”
you scoff, he cracks a grin.
“it appears that my faults are your strengths. karata needs some repairs and i happen to need an assistant.” he scowls as he feels your lips curl. “not you, archons. though i do need your help getting it back in good shape.”
you seem loss for words. so many questions. the akademiya. abattouy’s body. cyno?
tighari reads every question as if its written on your face. “i have the distant pleasure in not having to report to the akademiya with all of my comings and goings. i can store it as pardis for the time being. if i can convince it to play its part of a very convincing recording device, the perhaps it can be spared. ill work with cyno on those details.”
for the first time you consider your tenure with the akademiya. for all its promises, its taken more than you could give.
tighnari can tell that it's a lot.
“it's ultimately your choice. you still need to recover and i have some moving about to do. think it over.”
you nod, clumsily wiping away your tears with your wrist. you're sure you look a right mess. your eyes feel puffy, the skin beneath them sore and irritated from all the rubbing and crying.
tighnari's hand still rests against you, heavy and warm and so comforting. you feel it follow your body's movement as your lungs expand and then collapse. “you scared me, you idiot. don’t ever do that again.”
he gives your back a final pat before rising.
“now rest, i have a deal to make with a matra.”
you have to prove you can keep a pita pocket down before tighnari will let you leave the village. which feels like more of a challenge than it should be given in the punch of spices he'd managed to pack into there. even normal stomachs would quivey at the savory taste.
but you were determined. and tighnari had suspected as much as he stood over you in contemplation. it had not taken long for him to crack, unable to resist tugging you into a swaying embrace.
“alright, get changed and we can head out.”
if the fox heard you stumble and fall trying to force your limbs into the clothing, he pretended to know none the wiser. you could barely stand still as you fidgeted behind him while he delegated on the path out of the village.
this would be the first time you'd set foot past the entrance since being bed ridden. in between patrols, collei had taken it upon herself to guide you around the village to help work out the aches from being in bed for so long.
you were even more grateful for it during the long journey to pardis dhyai. tighnari had accounted for the frequent stops, always having a pouch of water or a handful of dried nuts and fruits available.
regardless of how you felt, you humored him with whatever was offered. the smart choice as the two of you managed to make it to the botany institute in relatively good time.
tighnari had spent the majority of the trip detailing anything and everything about karkata. apparently he'd become rather fond of it.
“i've been trying to come up with another reward system,” he mused as he held open the door to the gardens. “he doesn't need mechanical parts.”
it was hard to miss it. your eyes flickered over the familiar splashes of gold already knowing what would be unveiled even before the mechanical roused. with practiced ease, the cube split and pushed itself into a stand.
the red light at its center whirled to life, blinking once humming strong with life.
you already knew what to expect, but seeing it again and knowing its roots. tighnari was prepared, hand already smoothing against your back as your fingers chased the wet trails.
this was abattouy's life work standing safe and intact before you. uncorrupted by the word around it and a testament to its capabilities despite what the sages thought.
“from aba's records, i know it has the capability to replay messages. it may be something you have to fix.''
right. tighnari mentioned that it needed some work. from what you'd gathered it had been on its own for awhile and no doubt needed a few things replaced to keep it running. you would get on that immediately.
but before you could begin taking inventory. something happens.
its triggered by the sound of your name leaving tighari's lips. karkata makes a series of rumbles as its joints bounce on access. the light at its center flickers again and then a familiar voice enters the room.
'we're so close, karkata. i can't wait to show you to them. archon's i can just see their excitement. you're a wonder to be proud of, friend. and i know they will be too.'
abattouy spoke with such certainty as he mentioned you to the mechanical being. your name came with no introduction indicating that it wasn't the first time you'd been brought into conversation.
for so long, you'd been distressed about the thought of abattouy out on his own. and the whole time he—
“apparently abattouy worried about you as much as you him. you were both idiots like that.”
any thought about keeping the tears at bay evaporates in that moment. you barely manage to muffle the sob as you turn against tighnari's shoulder before it forces it way out of you. tighnari tightens his grip on you, keeping you grounded as the rolling mess of your emotions keeps on crashing into you.
behind you, karkata makes a sound of inquiry that tighnari hushes.
“it's okay. don't worry, they're not broken. with time, everything will heal.”
tagged: @hutaoscoffinn
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You're right it's very possible that Nol had a fight with his mother... I was also moved to a different country as a child, and I remember having a phase where I resented my parents for it because I was promised all these good things, but all I got was homesickness and feeling lost in the new environment. It was probably similar for him, and it would make complete sense if he argued with Nessa about it. And related to what you sad about Nol being angry and bitter and hot-headed... I keep thinking about the dialogue that was like "He sent someone's son to the hospital" or something like that. We know it was not Kousuke, because he seemed physically fine after whatever happened. So it must be someone different then. And... Nol must have gone to school, right? Yes they were illegal immigrants, but surely Rand could have pulled some strings to get his son into a school. If he was homeschooled like Alyssa, we would probably know that, right? So, what if before the incident with Kousuke, Nol got into a fight, maybe even multiple times? Maybe those kids in school teased Nol for something. For looking different, the red hair, the freckles, his foreign name, maybe not speaking the language well. Maybe they were rumors going around about his mother, how she is a mistress, how his father is a skirt chaser, how Nol is an illegitimate child, how they're all bad people. Kids can be cruel and probably used less polite words, if you know what I mean. And Nol was already dealing with everything you mentioned. Maybe those kids pushed it too far and he snapped and lashed out. Similarly to what happened with Shin-Ae, basically. Except Shin-Ae was this small girl, she couldn't do *too* much damage (though the boy she fought looked pretty rough), but Nol was always big and tall for his age, so maybe he underestimated his strength and severely injured someone.
Think of it this way, too: One instance of being violent and unstable isn't really enough to justify locking a child into a mental facility for two years, especially with the media involved and the whole story being very public. There are procedures and protocols in place. Sure, Yui could've arranged it regardless. But what I think happened is that she got wind of the fight at school, and used it to her advantage. Made Nol appear like a repeat offender. There were already rumors and even "proof" of him being unstable and aggressive, which makes him getting violent again so much more believable, right. Much easier to convince everyone that putting him in the facility is necessary, that it's the right thing to do. It would also make it easier for Kousuke to believe Yui's narrative, because the kid attacked someone at school and you're his victim too but don't worry he is under control now you're safe. And most importantly, it would make it easier to make Nol believe that about himself. I didn't do anything to Kousuke but everyone keeps telling me that I did, so maybe I'm wrong? I know I lost control and hurt someone before, so maybe they're right and it happened again? Can I even trust what I remember, what I believe? Maybe there really is something very wrong with me? Maybe I am an unstable dangerous person that should be kept away from everyone? That deserves punishment? It would be so much easier to insert these beliefs into his head, mess with his memories and his self-perception, when there is undeniable proof of violent behavior and he probably already feels guilty about that and is starting to question himself...
First off, Nonny 💕 Thank you for sharing your experience 🥺 I can't imagine that must've been easy for you as a child to deal with such a radical change to your life.
But yes, I very much agree with you! I can't remember if I've ever said it on here or if it's only come up in my conversations, but I've been wondering for a while now if Nol DID, in fact, hurt someone. It used to be that I wondered if he really DID hurt Kousuke - quimchee has said before that they've had one fight. But a couple things never made sense. Wasn't it curious that he said "people got hurt"?
In retrospect, it seems like an odd way to put it - that he had issues plural and that was what kept them apart. People got hurt. Even the article that mentions the heir being attacked doesn't make it sound like Kousuke had to be hospitalized. But right, I agree he very well still could have sent someone's kid to the hospital with everything he had on his plate - his unhappiness, the hot-headed anger, kids being cruel and bullying him, spreading rumors, being xenophobic, etc.
There's also this
"Especially after hearing how you were treated in middle school."
This has stuck out to me ever since this episode dropped because of what we DO concretely know... nothing really fits that logic, does it? Had Nol ever fought Kousuke, that's not something that he'd think relates to Shinae being bullied and fighting a kid in act of desperation.
But if Nol was fighting kids, had really hurt someone and his very important father pulled weight so Nol got into less trouble... That feels like it could be something he fears will change her perception of him, what he thinks of her. Because right, even if he was lashing out after being pushed too far, the right button was pushed and he attacked, it's SO easy to see how he could turn that on himself. Further to this point, it sounds like he was put through anger management therapy and we know he uses his punching bag to let out his anger, we can absolutely see how very easily he blames himself, how HE could have been convinced of all of this. That he's unstable, he's dangerous, he needs to be subdued.
And further to that, it makes me wonder if punching Sangchul was parallel to what happened in his past. Again, Sangchul was the one taunting him, baiting him because he was certain Nol was too much of a coward to attack, so he pressed his buttons and Nol snapped. And what's more, Kousuke knows a LOT of intimate details about Nol and his family. Plenty of people know rumors about Nol and his institutionalization. Maybe Sangchul figired not only was Nol too much of a coward to act out but because he has a pre-existing record he couldn't lash out without getting into trouble.
And because everything is a parallel and Nol and Shinae are mirrors, it feels very likely that his own incidents with fighting and hurting someone were similar to Shinae's experience, where he reached his limit where it all spilled out where he lashed out at the people who were making his life hell and more miserable than before. Again, it's SO EASY to twist it around on him if he made that first move. "You should have just ignored them. You shouldn't have let their words get to you. You struck first. You hurt someone."
Likewise, it makes it so much easier to kind of brainwash him with this thinking in the hospital. To convince him that he's a bad person who deserves no kindness, who needs to be punished. As readers we get it, we understand. We see how he's been treated by people, reduced to nothing, made to feel like a bother, a mistake, that he only makes things worse. His mother's death looks like suicide, like she took her own life and abandoned him in this foreign country so far away from anyone he knows and left with this cruel family who treats him like he doesn't exist, shouldn't exist, and all of the kids who have bullied him and made him feel like shit. 😭😭😭
How easy it would be to convince this poor kid, this illegitimate bastard of the Hirahara family living as an undocumented immigrant in their shadow, that he is a terrible person who has hurt so many people who doesn't belong here who only hurts people, who can only bring harm to the people he cares about. It also would explain why he worked so hard at absolution - he believes he has so much to atone for.
And that's the worst part, isn't it? To know that he probably did fight, probably did hurt someone after putting up for so long with people taunting him, mocking, bullying him, that no one defended or protected him and when he reached breaking point, he was faulted for how he reacted. It sounds like no one gave him the help he REALLY needed, the understanding and compassion as well as the anger management. All too often when it comes to bullying we see this kind of thing, too. Those children were responsible for pushing his buttons but instead he gets blamed because he couldn't "just ignore them". Instead he was made to feel like a monster, to take all of the blame for not being able to handle what others did to him. Expecting people, especially children, to be able to carry that kind of stress, to live with those kinds of harassment and never to step in or defend them, to try to put a stop to it before it reached that stage. 😭
Once again and as always, these children were all failed by the adults meant to protect them and I will never get over it.
#I Love Yoo#ILY Brainrot#ILY Anon#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn#i have so many feelings about this and esp about the kids being failed by the adults#it KILLS me#and esp if we are right about this yes Nol did need some help it's good that he's got an outlet for his frustration and anger these days#but at the risk of taking the blame for everything#for feeling like he is a dangerous monster#that he causes hurt and pain#that BECAUSE of all of that he believes he must always be punished that he doesn't even deserve kindness and friendship#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#hurts my heart#they fucked up this poor child#and as a result he's internalized EVERYTHING#EVEN HIS MOM'S DEATH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#also i wrote this on mobile pls forgive any typos lmao i am abysmal at writing on my phone but i HAD to answer this
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Pet peevee huh? Hmmmm, well everything the other ppl who rebloged this stands for me too, but beyond that
Writing Lolopechka as some useless damsel in distress who can't protect herself or her people makes my Blood boile, this isnt just for lolo but for the entire female cast, but it hits harder with Lolo bc she has the knowledge of all the past Queens and is really quick on her feet and smart on her own
For Noelle id say having her be Asta obsessed and have her hate anyother girl that looks at Asta
Moving from that, making it out to be like Noelle and Mimosa hate each other when in fact even in canon they are like sisters
Having finral be some pervert flirt, and Nessa a useless drunk and giving them 0 Personality
Most importantly for me, Vanica being battle crazy and having no thoughts in her head and not thinking ahead, Vanica is a manipulator in all meanings of the word the reason why no one really picks up on that fact is bc its overshadowed by her lust for fighting.
As for fancanon
Luck and Charlotte half siblings thing by beloved,
Buff Noelle is a hill i die on,
Lolopechka bc of the fact she has a mana zone up 24/7 she can ovestimulated very esaly bc she has eyes and ears everywhere in Heart
Yuno does not like loud places
To people who read Black Clover fics, what are some characterization pet peeves you have? I am not so familiar with writing these characters yet so any tips are welcome!!! Also what is fanon in this fandom, because I genuinely don't know yet?
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