#and more trapped in gender roles i naturally wanted no part in

[thermesiini]

giggling and smiling on the way home because i was thinking about bisexuality

[yanderes-galore]

Oooh how about hcs for yandere hero Katsuki vs yandere villain Kirishima for a reporter darling who always gets caught in the middle of their fights , romance for both of them please.

I thought the roles would be swapped, but here's my ideas on this :)

Yandere! Hero! Bakugo vs Yandere! Villain! Kirishima with Reporter! Darling

Pairing: Romantic - Rivalry

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Stalking, Violence, Manipulation, Blood, Possessive behavior, Kidnapping, Swearing on Bakugo's part, Dubious relationship.

Bakugo and Kirishima used to be such good friends in U.A.

Nowadays it seems things have changed.

Out of the two of them, no one really expected Kirishima to turn to villainy.

Others always assumed Bakugo would due to his temper and volatility.

But, despite his personality, Bakugo managed to show everyone he can be a pro hero.

It's unknown why Kirishima defected but... such details are lost in the past.

In a way the two 'friends' still meet.

Often in battle... some even wonder if they seek one another out.

Perhaps it's Bakugo's attempt to rehabilitate Kirishima once catches him...?

Either way, you are often the one on the scene to report on the two.

At first it was because you were fascinated.

The backstory behind them both intrigues you, making you naturally want to know more.

However, over time when you try to do other cases, you somehow get caught up between the two.

It feels... planned.

Your first meeting was simple.

You were a bit reckless, asking your crew to get a bit closer to the two...

Only for Kirishima to lock eyes with you... and take you hostage for flying too close to the sun.

Yes... Your first interaction with the two was a hostage situation... on live TV.

Bakugo no doubt pauses when he sees you in his ex-best friend's arms.

He can't use his Quirk... you can't harden.

It becomes an awkward attempt to... talk to one another with you trapped against Kirishima's chest.

Kirishima is obviously trying to antagonize Bakugo by taunting him.

It nearly works... until Bakugo hears you whimper and struggle weakly against Kirishima.

He... He can't... He needs to be careful.

Kirishima no doubt playfully flirts with you to toy with Bakugo, holding you close and calling you adorably vulnerable.

The situation is tense.

But, eventually, Bakugo manages to land a clean hit without his quirk to get Kirishima to drop you.

The villain hisses in pain as Bakugo picks you up and leaves the scene to put you somewhere safe.

Your first encounter pumps adrenaline through you... You were understandably scared.

However, you still watched them both from a distance to report on their battles.

It's still your job.

... Then the two of them picked up on it....

Perhaps Kirishima playfully waves at you, only to use his quirk when Bakugo blasts him.

That or maybe you Interview Bakugo after the battle, only for him to try and hide his embarrassed blush... and Kirishima photo bombing the camera before fleeing.

The two are oddly still... amicable to one another despite their sides.

Naturally, as a reporter, you speak with Bakugo after battles.

Which sometimes catches the attention of Kirishima, who has an interest in you.

You felt so good in his arms... He wants that again.

Bakugo, due to having been friends with the villain, no doubt senses Kirishima's interest.

Feeling responsible for such an issue... Bakugo becomes like a personal hero at times when you report.

Ironically... this both makes Bakugo attached to you and Kirishima around you more often.

Fans suspect Bakugo of being attached to this one reporter he saved.

You two are always together, even when you're trying to focus on a news event.

He just... never leaves you alone... even to the point of getting irritated when you push him away.

Many view this info with either envy or fully support it.

Someone somewhere has made fanfiction of you both, no doubt about it.

You may give in and start asking the pro hero to hang out when he's not busy.

Leading you to befriend the pro hero properly.

Bakugo doesn't mind the friendship... yet, as months pass with him protecting you and hanging out...

He realizes he really has fallen for you, a reporter he saved.

Kirishima, on the other hand, stalks you and always plans where he strikes around you.

You see, he both likes to annoy Bakugo and be around you.

Bakugo being around you helps him... but also annoys the villain.

Did he seriously fall for you like he did?

For Kirishima, it felt like love... or desire... at first sight.

Ever since he got you in his arms the first time... and the countless times after that to toy with you... He can't help but want that more.

But... Now Bakugo likes you, too.

He understands the appeal, yes, but he's not willing to share the cute reporter he found.

Now the two are fighting for an entirely different reason.

You could be doing an interview or reporting a news event, only for it to transition to Bakugo and Kirishima fighting again.

Kirishima is always playful, even sabotaging your report by coming up behind you and grabbing you with a wink.

You can bet that sets off fans too.

Then Bakugo practically tackles him off you.

Their battles are often intense... and bloody.

They're about an easy match with one another, Kirishima slightly weaker than Bakugo yet still able to hold his own.

It's a... complicated scenario for you, a reporter just trying to do their job.

A villain and a hero... Both completely enamored by you.

Even to the point of giving their bloody battles more purpose.

Often at the end of their battles you can see how bloody they get....

Kirishima always manages to bleed, his skin burned and scarred due to Bakugo's blasts.

You see Bakugo with lacerations and bruises after he fights with Kirishima's hardening quirk.

Sometimes you even talk to him as he's treated, the pro hero often telling you to be quiet or shut up... yet he really enjoys your voice.

It's only matter of time before Kirishima decides to try something new.

Sure, being playful on camera with you and toying with Bakugo is fun...

But he's getting tired of sharing.

I can see Kirishima sneaking around at night and into your home, only to trap you in his arms.

"Hey, cutie... I think we're done playing games, yeah? Bakugo can't be around all the time to save you...."

Kirishima would attempt kidnapping you at some point, perhaps months after following you and Bakugo around.

Bakugo, of course, is beyond pissed and worried when he realizes you aren't home.

Bakugo has found himself having a tendency to check in on you at your home to hang out.

But... when he finished a hero mission... he noticed he hasn't heard from you and hasn't seen Kirishima...

Which makes his blood boil.

You just know Bakugo would level buildings to find you.

All while Kirishima keeps you in one of his bases of operation, acting oddly nice with you.

He offers you food and gifts, perhaps a drink or two, just a chance to get to know each other.

"DynaMight's been telling you I'm dangerous to you, huh? Typical of a hero... well... maybe I just want to get to know you? You're just so cute, know that?"

I can see Kirishima actually getting you to trust him or at least be more open to hear more about him.

He admits his interest, which catches you off guard, but before you can even ask about it...

The side of the base blows open, causing you both to jump.

"YOU!"

Bakugo's voice is like that of a roar as he stalks closer, seething.

"YOU TOOK THEM AND RAN OFF WITH THEM, RED RIOT? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

Kirishima seems oddly playful with his grin, pulling you close.

"Oh, DynaMight! Had no idea you'd be joining us~"

"I'VE BEEN SEARCHING THE WHOLE DAMN CITY FOR YOU, HAND THEM OVER."

"Nuh uh, finders keepers, dude. I always saw them first."

The issue with this rivalry is its... volatility.

The two are destructive when they fight.

Would they kill one another? Not intentionally.

But Bakugo would damn near want to after the stunt Kirishima's pulled.

This would be the point where something has to be done.

It's either Kirishima turns himself in... or someone's dead.

The worst part about it...?

You're stuck in the middle with no choice but to see the outcome.

[smoft-demons]

If you aren't busy could you try writing about an mc that looks identical to Lilith and maybe even has a similar name example: lily, Lillian etc. (If you can, maybe mc that has a similar personality with lilith) And Ofc its platonic. (sorry if you don't understand, I barely ask on tumblr(⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠)

Also! It can be fluff or angst (if you can't write all of the brothers lucifer, belphegor and Beelzebub would be fine(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

Mc can be gender neutral! (You can choose whatever format you're comfortable with)

Ofc if u don't want to its fine, i just saw your requests open

Sorry if this is too long(⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Sure! No worries about it being too long, it gives me lots to work with :)

First request yay! Hope you like it

MC’s name is Lily

Lucifer:

Lucifer double-takes when he first sees you. He knew your name in advance, but looking at you, seeing the resemblance… it shocks him.

He keeps a straight face, however.

It becomes increasingly obvious that he has a soft spot for you. It grows softer and softer as he gets to know you.

When you harmlessly disobey him, he can’t help but let you off. Lilith was a bit of a rebel too, and you look just like her when you’re trying to be sneaky

He loses it when you put yourself in danger! You remind him so much of his baby sister, who he gave everything he could for… and he’s supposed to keep this blasted human alive, so help him he will succeed! It’s a matter of pride—and also trauma.

All that is there, but still Lucifer makes an effort to pay attention to the differences between Lilith and you. Few as there may be, he will not cloud his own judgement by thinking of you as the new her.

And he will not do you the disservice of acting like you’re someone you’re not.

When the ancestry reveal happens, he’s not exactly surprised. It’s still great news, but… not shocking!

He’s already had his crisis about not being unfair to you by acting like you’re a replacement, so he’s actually pretty good about not saying anything hurtful along those lines.

Beelzebub:

He can’t bear to look at you at first

I mean really, how he’s grieving his sister plus how he’s missing his twin… what’s he supposed to do? You’re in Belphie’s spot, and you’re called Lily, and you’re even acting like her… his heart aches

Good news tho, he definitely won’t eat you

He feels AWFUL for scaring you that one time, about the custard

And that conversation when he opens up to you about that impossible choice he had to make about who to save? He won’t admit it to you or to himself, but a big part of why he asked you who you would have chosen is that he hopes you can give him some insight into what Lilith would have chosen. If she would have made the choice he did.

Once you’ve become good friends with him, he does make an effort to not confuse you with his sister… but it’s hard for him, especially if you look and act like her. He’s really trying!

He would want to hug you for hours after having nightmares of falling. It helps him feel like maybe he’s not a total failure of a protector

He’s giving Mammon a run for his money in terms of being protective of you.

Beel finds himself conflicted after the big reveal. He’s overjoyed to have Belphie back, but he’s so angry with him for hurting you, and also he’s so upset with himself for not realizing Belphie was trapped in the attic the whole time, and ALSO he’s struggling with keeping you separate from Lilith in his mind, similar and genuinely connected as you are, and that makes him feel even more guilty because he genuinely does love you just for yourself. He feels like it’s very mean to you if he lets himself be distracted from that.

This is further complicated by you naturally falling into the role of his baby sister. He loves having you in that role, but it’s hard. A bit triggering. He’s working through it!

All in all, he’s a good big brother. He’d be overjoyed to hear it if you tell him that.

Belphegor:

Learning your name sends him spiralling. He was thinking of this exchange program as a betrayal to Lilith’s memory, he thought Lucifer had forgotten about her, he thought Lucifer didn’t care, but he chose a human named LILY?? Is this him being manipulative, is this coincidence, does it mean he HASN’T stopped caring, does it mean he’s trying to replace their lost baby sister with some human?

Belphie can’t figure it out.

He hangs onto his hatred. He carries out the first steps of his plan

When you meet him, he just… stares. You look like her…

He refuses to cry about it! He sticks to the script, lying to your face as planned, summoning all the hatred and resentment in his fallen heart.

But… you keep coming back. Not just to update him about your pact collecting, but also… just to chat? Checking on him, bringing him small snacks and things that fit through the gaps in the door, telling him about what his brothers are up to, reminding him that Beel misses him terribly and no one has forgotten about him

He’s finding it hard to keep hating you. In all honesty, he’s grown fond of you! But he has a plan and he’s sticking to it! You’re NOT his sister, and nothing short of a miracle can convince him to let go of his resentment!

In timeline A, after the first jailbreak, he never gets around to harming you. He can’t figure out if it’s due to laziness, lack of opportunity, fondness for you on his part, or not wanting to make Beel sad. This becomes irrelevant of course, after Diavolo imprisons him

In timeline B, you’re sent back in time to see how he got released. You open the door, he offers you the hug, you accept.

It’s… nice, for a long moment. Gentle and warm and comfy.

And then he regains his determination, going ahead with his plan to kill you. He gets as far as “Finding it hard to breathe?” before he looks at you. Expecting to feel sadistic satisfaction at seeing a human face screwed up in pain like that. But… you look like his baby sister.

You look just like his baby sister, and you’re scared and hurt. His baby sister… panicking and tearful, because of HIM

He can’t do it

His grip relaxes. He doesn’t let you go, but he’s no longer hurting you.

He’s shaking.

You feel… moisture in your hair. Your throat is bruised and bleeding from his claws digging into your skin. You’re wheezing through your crushed airway. Your brain is flooded with adrenaline. Your prey terror hasn’t let up, as the demon who was threatening your life is still holding you, and he’s CLEARLY still unstable. But, maybe crying from guilt is safer than cold determination to murder you…?

At this point, the others rush in. Mammon tears you away from Belphie. Beel is frozen in horrified confusion. Belphie is having a breakdown on the floor.

Diavolo and Barbatos fill everyone in. Belphie can’t even look at you, he feels so awful.

As you both heal, you get closer. You become real friends. You learn what aspects of the Belphie you knew from the attic were lies, and the surprising amount of things that were true. With everyone’s help, Belphie really digs deep and commits to finally unpacking his trauma and his survivor’s guilt and his grief.

Once you trust him enough—and he trusts himself enough—he takes every opportunity to spoil you. He’ll cuddle you whenever you want, he’ll make sure you don’t get any nightmares, he’ll share his food, he’ll even let you wake him up for dumb things without getting mad at you.

______

I didn’t have many ideas for the rest. I had some for Mammon, but nowhere near as many as for these three. I might add the Mammon ideas as a short bonus later, if I have the energy or any more inspiration.

[fabfem12]

Transsexualism and the disingenuous nature they discuss Sex dysphoria

A common theme I have noticed among transsexuals, especially the transmedicalists or 'true transsexuals', is how, when discussing gender and the reasoning behind their transition to radical feminists, they detach themselves from the concept of gender entirely. They act in a totally disingenuous manner and act as if because transsexualism has sex in its name, it is about sex, when in fact, they are aware that the entire premise of transsexualism is to address gender incongruence that manifests as sex dysphoria. This condescending gaslighting only works when one is blatantly unaware of the origin of transsexualism.

Transsexualism originated from male sexologists, primarily in the U.S., who developed a medical model to help men who 'were trapped in women's bodies'; these men mainly were homosexuals. The idea behind the creation of the transexual is that the desire to perform a social role (gender) is hard-wired into each and every individual and cannot be unchanged [the idea is courtesy of John Money]. Hence, a man who wants to perform the social role of a woman or rejects the social roles placed on them because of their sex is a woman. This idea reifies the idea of gender as an innate, immutable characteristic that an individual is born with.

Now, when I see FTMs leaving messages in radical feminist inboxes that they actually have sex dysphoria, and it has nothing to do with gender because they don't mind doing girlie things or they don't identify with stereotypes, I shake my head at how surface level their critic is or how surface level they believe the radical feminist analysis is. In the Transsexual Empire, on Pages 81-82, Raymond talks about how FTMs experience similar role strain to women. Role strain means not wanting to adhere to strict gender roles. Transmen and AFAB nonbinary people have a hard time adhering to the socially constructed roles given to female and male people because they are more conscious that it is socially constructed by men as they have spent a significant portion of their lives as females. It is no surprise when I see TIFs that are not as committed to playing a hypermasculinist role.

However, where TIFs become very uncritical is when they evaluate the role that femininity plays in the alienation of the self. Many transmen are aware of the damage reifying sex roles causes as they were raised as female. Yet, they stop critically evaluating how femininity can alienate one from one's self... especially in their own case. They often negate or undermine how the female gender, the caste system that perpetuates the ideology that women are inferior [and should be treated as such], goes far beyond benign "girls wearing pink or makeup and dresses", etc... those are symbols of gender, not gender itself.

A lot of TIFs do not realise that when you live in a society that tells you that because you are born with a vagina, you are inherently inferior to your male counterpart, you become profoundly alienated from yourself, especially when a BIG part of this conditioning is that you WANT to be subjugated. Hence, the body becomes a curse, and your femaleness is something you need to overcome as your femaleness is forever tethered to inferiority in a patriarchal society.

This is the reality whether you are consciously aware of it. The female gender has alienated you from your body, thus manifesting itself in your life as sex dysphoria. Your sex is not the issue; gender is. It is expected to be alienated from the female gender. It is not inherent or innate to any female person.

[aspoonofsugar]

Weiss and Jaune = Knight + Queen

Mirror Help me Who am I?

Weiss and Jaune are strong foils (mirrors), who can be analyzed through a specific motif.

They are both Knights (masculine):

And Queens (feminine):

This is made clear also through their respective allusions:

1 -Weiss alludes to Snowhite and plays all the different characters of the story with a specific focus on the Princess and the Prince, which is highlighted since the White Trailer:

Weiss and her inner Prince (Animus), who is corrupted and possessed by her Father

Here, Weiss fights a giant armor, which symbolizes the power her father (the patriarchy) has above her. She is fighting both for her freedom and to get back a possessed part of herself (the Arma Gigas is literally a haunted armor). If she wants to escape Jacques, she has to be her own Prince. In other words, to be crowned queen, she needs to become a knight first.

2 -Jaune alludes to Jeanne d'Arc who was both a maid and a knight. Jaune's story is about him growing into both. He needs to accept his inner maiden to become a proper knight. This is made clear in the Jaunedice's arc (this mini arc really works as Jaune's trailer). There he grows not when he gives in to toxic masculinity, but when he stands up to it:

Jaune performing his first miracle and later on being guided by his Goddess (Anima), who is none other than Pyrrha

Jaune makes progress when he nurtures his most feminine side and shows vulnerability by apologizing and asking for Pyrrha's help. A real man has no fear to show he is also feminine.

In short, both Weiss and Jaune's stories deal with the integration of their feminine and masculine parts, so that they can be full-fledged individuals.

ANIMUS AND ANIMA

Integrating the feminine with the masculine is a psychological process, which is described by Carl Jung with the archetypes of animus and anima:

The animus is the masculine part of a woman

The anima is the feminine part of a man

Each person has naturally both, but society promotes specific gender values and drives people to repress traits culturally associated with the opposite gender. So, to fully be complete a person should integrate the negated parts.

This is the case for both Weiss and Jaune, who are initially trapped in fixed gender roles:

Weiss is the rich spoilt princess. She is forced to adhere to the social role Jacques has chosen for her. She is the Schnee Heiress, which means she should always be classy, perfect and elegant:

Weiss: I'm. Not. Perfect! Not yet...

Jaune is instead the loser boy, who wants to be a knight. He doesn't really fit his gender nor social role. He is a male, but is weak, geeky and odd. He has a legacy of warriors to honor, but can't fight. So, he feels he isn't enough:

Jaune: I don't want help! I don't want to be the damsel in distress! I want to be the hero!

Basically they are both trapped in opposite ways. Weiss fits her legacy and stereotype so well people forget there is more to her. Jaune instead doesn't measure up to his ancestors nor to the classical male type, so everybody assumes he is bound to fail. This happens because Weiss and Jaune are victims in different ways of toxic masculinity:

As a girl, Weiss has to obey her father, to suppress her emotions and to be nothing, but beautiful. Think about how Jacques even weaponizes typical feminine traits Weiss has, like her talent at singing.

As a boy, Jaune has to conform to physical prowess and bravado. He has to be big, ripped and cool or else he is no-one. The idea he is not like the other boys is at the root of Jaune's insecurities.

At the same time, Weiss and Jaune are also incredibly immature and project outside the same gender roles they are trying to escape inside. Moreover, they do so specifically with each other:

Weiss: (mockingly) My hero.

This scene summarizes their whole early dynamic. On the one hand Weiss sees Jaune as the loser he is scared to be. She only sees his superficial bravado and misses who he is behind the mask. On the other hand Jaune is attracted to Weiss because he sees her as the perfect princess to his knight. So, he is drawn to the mask.

Even the reason Jaune initially falls for Weiss ties into this:

Weiss: Yeah! And we can paint our nails and try on clothes and talk about cute boys, like tall, blond, and scraggly over there!

Weiss here is mocking both Jaune and Ruby, two people she has misjudged and shows no respect for. She is being cold, superficial and rude. Still, Jaune falls for it and believes Weiss's words. He does because they describe Jaune as he wants to be perceived. So, he runs after Weiss and ignores Pyrrha.

In short, initially Weiss and Jaune can't see neither themselves nor others clearly. Luckily, this starts to change at Beacon.

ICE QUEEN AND VOMIT BOY

Sun: Ruby, Yang, Blake… Ice Queen.

Ruby: Look, I'm sorry! Vomit Boy was the first thing that came to mind.

Weiss and Jaune are given nicknames the moment they arrive at Beacon. This happens because they are both childish and self-centered, so they are called out by others. Specifically, their nicknames are light-hearted ways to criticize their perceived self-importance and the archetypes they are trying to emulate. Weiss is called an ice queen because she is acting as daddy's little princess. Jaune is instead jockingly named vomit boy because he tries too hard to look cool. They are still far away from who they want to become and their friends pick up on this. Luckily, giving them funny names is not all RWBY and JNPR do for Weiss and Jaune. Rather they help the two kids grow. In particular, Ice Queen and Vomit Boy develop in two different and complementary ways:

In volume 1 they learn to see who they are slightly better

In volume 2 they become able to see others with more clarity

Seeing One-Self

At the beginning of their stories Weiss and Jaune are running away from who they are:

I'm the loneliest of all.

Even when I told my parents I was going to Beacon, they told me not to worry if I ended up having to move back home. How depressing is that?

Both have big families, but feel lonely and misunderstood. So, they hope they can have a fresh start at Beacon, but immediately meet unforeseen circumstances:

By this point Weiss and Jaune are pursuing a superficial dream of heroes and monsters. They figure their most perfected selves beside the "right" patner.

On the one hand Weiss wants Pyrrha to be the "knight" to her "princess":

Weiss: This will be perfect! The smartest girl in class combined with the strongest girl in class! Together we will be unstoppable!

She wants someone strong (body) that complements her intelligence (mind). She thinks that in this way she can't fail.

On the other hand Jaune wants Weiss to be the "princess" to his "knight":

Jaune: Don't worry! No need to be embarrassed! So, been hearing rumors about teams! I was thinking you and me would make a good one! What do you say?

He wants someone who is beautiful and looks frail, so he can protect her. He thinks in this way he can appear strong.

Both are wrong obviously. This is why they end up with respectively Ruby and Pyrrha as partners.

Weiss needs to realize what complements mind is not body, but heart. This is why she is paired with Ruby, who lacks physical strength, but has more than enough heart to guide Weiss. Throughout the initiation, Weiss herself has to act as a Knight by saving Ruby from the Nevermore. And later on, she needs to follow Ruby's plan (so Ruby's mind) to take down the Grimm and pass the trial.

Jaune needs to realize a real knight is not physically strong, but is wise (mind) and brave (heart). This is why he ends up with Pyrrha, who is both and challenges him in two different ways. She doesn't fit feminine stereotypes and sees Jaune's value not in his superficial traits, but rather in his willingness to help. Throughout the initiation, Jaune shows this by staying behind to lead others into kiling the Grimm.

So, Ruby and Pyrrha are the ones, who can help Weiss and Jaune grow the most. However, the 2 kids struggle to accept it and enter into a conflict with their respective partners in The Bagde and The Burden and Jaunedice. These 2 mini-arcs are interesting because they do not really add anything to the main plot. Rather, they are episodes which focus on Weiss and Jaune respectively. Once again our wannabe queen and wannabe knight act as perfect foils to each other.

On the one hand Weiss is powerful enough to kill Grimms on her own, but wants to be the Queen giving orders. On the other hand Jaune has gained the title of leader, but wants to be the competent Knight slaining monsters.

In short, they want what the other has and miss what they already are. Why is that so? Because deep down they dislike themselves and can't see they have the seeds for greatness within. They don't need to look outside, but should nurture the inside.

Luckily, they are helped by 2 mentor figures:

Port: So instead of fretting about what you don't have, savor what you do. Hone your skills, perfect every technique, and be not the best leader, but the best person you can be.

Ruby: Because it's not just about you anymore. You've got a team now, Jaune. We both do! And if we fail, then we'll just be bringing them down with us. We have to put our teammates first, and ourselves second. Your team deserves a great leader, Jaune. And I think that can be you.

Port invites Weiss to grow as a person and Ruby reminds Jaune of his duties as a leader. So, Weiss and Jaune step up for the sake of their partners:

Weiss: Ruby, I think you have what it takes to be a good leader. Just know that I am going to be the best teammate you'll ever have!

Jaune: Don't ever mess with my team - my friends - ever again. Got it?

Weiss encourages Ruby to be a good leader and promises her she will be the best teammate ever. She even aknowledges she has always loved bunked beds and makes a small step in integrating with her inner child. Something necessary if she wants to blossom into an adult.

Jaune fights Cardin for Pyrrha's sake and decides to dedicate himself to his role of leader. At the same time, he accepts Pyrrha's help, so he shows vulnerability. In other words, he starts integrating with his feminine side. Something needed to become more mature.

So, by the end of their first semester at Beacon both Weiss and Jaune have come to understand themselves and their roles a little bit better. Still, they have yet a long way to go when it comes to the way they aknowledge others.

What better chance than a dance to work on it?

Seeing Others

When it comes to the dance, Weiss and Jaune find themselves in the same situation of the initiation ceremony. They are locked into "triangles":

Jaune wants to go to the dance with Weiss, who wants to go with Neptune

Pyrrha wants to go to the dance with Jaune, who wants to go with Weiss

They pursue the wrong partner and ignore another person's feelings. In this way they do to another what they lament it is done to them:

Weiss: All my life, boys have only cared about the perks of my last name.

Jaune: It's Weiss… I'm completely head over heels for her, and she won't even give me a chance. She's cold, but she's also incredible. She's smart, and graceful, and talented-- I mean have you heard her sing? I just wish she take me seriously, y'know?

On the one hand Weiss wants to be seen for who she is, not her name. And yet, she refuses to look earnestly at Jaune and doesn't even recognize his feelings as genuine (recognizing someone's feelings doesn't mean to reciprocate them by the way). On the other hand Jaune wants to be taken seriously, but the moment Pyrrha tries to open up to him, he reduces her feelings to a joke:

Jaune: Oh please, if you don't get a date to the dance, I'll wear a dress.

At the same time, both approach love superficially. Jaune has started to really like Weiss as a person, but he is still far from truly seeing the girl in all her complexity. Weiss is instead failing to recognize Jaune's good qualities and is attracted to Neptune's try hard persona:

Neptune: Haven. And I don't believe I've caught your name, snow angel.

The narrative makes it very clear Neptune is just a shallower, but better looking version of Jaune. He is a geek (like Jaune), but calls himself an intellectual. He flirts with every girl that breathes, waaaay more than Jaune does initially. And yet, he looks cooler, so Weiss is attracted by him.

This "double triangle" is solved positively in 2 different ways:

Weiss and Jaune start to display respectively more masculine and feminine traits

Weiss and Jaune learn to see others a little bit better

Weiss plays the part of the knight and invites Neptune to the dance:

Weiss: I know this is a little unorthodox, but… I wanted to ask you something. Would you… like to accompany me to the dance tomorrow?

Jaune plays the part of the maiden and wears a dress to accept Pyrrha's late invite:

Pyrrha: I had no idea you were a dancer. Jaune: Yeah, well, these things tend to happen when you grow up with seven sisters.

On a deeper level, Jaune confronts both Pyrrha (the ideal self he must aim to be) and Neptune (the past self he has outgrown).

Pyrrha: I've been blessed with incredible talents and opportunities. I'm constantly surrounded by love and praise, but when you're placed on a pedestal like that for so long, you become separated from the people that put you there in the first place. Everyone assumes I'm too good for them. That I'm on a level they simply can't attain. It's become impossible to form any sort of meaningful relationship with people. That's what I like about you. When we met, you didn't even know my name. You treated me just like anyone else. And thanks to you, I've made friendships that will last a lifetime. I guess, you're the kind of guy I wish I was here with. Someone who just saw me for me.

He realizes he has hurt Pyrrha's feelings and has failed to see her the whole time. At the same time, he calls Neptune out on how he has treated Weiss's feelings:

Jaune: Do you even care about the girls you're hitting on? How they feel about you?

And finally, thanks to his ideal self (Pyrrha), he is able to give his past self (Neptune) a good advice:

Jaune: Then just go talk to her. No pickup lines, no suave moves, just be yourself. I've heard that's the way to go.

In this way, Jaune shows he has grown more mature and crowns his evening by wearing a beautiful dress and proving he is a great dancer (differently from Neptune).

Weiss grows too. She accepts Neptune's apology and thanks to him, she is able to finally see Jaune for who he is:

Weiss: You said you were embarrassed at first. What made you come talk to me? Neptune: You're looking at him. You got some good friends looking out for ya.

She might not reciprocate Jaune's feelings, but Jaune is still her friend and cares about her as a person, not as a trophy. This moment marks an improvement of Weiss's overall dynamic with Jaune and she starts to see him as a close one, even praising him occasionally:

Weiss: Well, he's certainly improved.

This is a top off for Weiss's growth as a less judgemental person. This process starts with Blake and her prejudice against Faunus and goes on with Jaune and her misjudgement of him.

All in all, Weiss and Jaune's months at Beacon are key for the kids' early development:

Weiss grows through Ruby and Blake

Jaune grows through Pyrrha and his team

They keep walking parallel paths and slowly start to aknowledge each other more. Weiss starts to see Jaune not as a loser, but as a person who is trying hard. Jaune start to see Weiss not as a damsel, but as a talented individual with wishes of her own. Similarly, their relationship with their inner selves improves, as well.

By the time of the Vytal Festival, both Weiss and Jaune are making small steps toward who they want to become.

The Vytal Festival: Unsure Knight and Clueless Maiden

Weiss and Jaune's tournament fights display their better qualities. On the one hand Weiss sacrifices herself for Yang. On the other hand Jaune is able to lead his team well. They are both more selfless with a better understanding of their roles in their teams.

This growth is marked by important moments outside the arena.

Weiss meets Winter, who inspires her to branch out a little. This is the catalyst for Weiss's transformation into a knight:

Jaune notices Pyrrha is off and tries to step into an adviser position. Basically, he tries to do what Pyrrha has done for him. He tries to guide her by symbolically playing a more supportive role. Moreover, he tries to help Pyrrha making sense of maidenhood:

Jaune: I guess… I'm just trying to say that… you've always been there for me… even when I didn't deserve it. And I can tell there's something on your mind, so… I don't know. How can I help?

Obviously, they are both still immature. Weiss is dependent on her father and can barely summon a tiny sword. Jaune is ignorant and isn't able to give Pyrrha the right advice. Still, they both try, even if they meet an unforeseen crisis. The Fall of Beacon.

Weiss manages to step in to protect Velvet. She acts as a real Knight in Shining Armor:

Jaune does his best to stand beside Pyrrha, even in her darkest moment:

Jaune: She's right. Whoever was on that microphone… they're the ones that did this. And we have to make sure they don't take anyone else.

Despite this, they both fail in the end. Weiss can't save Beacon and loses her new found home and family. Jaune can't save Pyrrha and loses the girl he loves. So, after so much development and growth Weiss and Jaune wake up to discover it still isn't enough. So, the finale pushes them back in the roles they have tried to escape so desperately.

Weiss is brought back under her father's thumb. Jaune is shoved into a locker, forced to fly away like a loser. Weiss is once again daddy's little princess, while Jaune is once again a wannabe knight, who couldn't save the girl.

SNOWHITE AND JEANNE

Ren: Well that embarrassment - that desire to go back and tell yourself not to be so stupid - that just proves you're not the same person you used to be. You're smarter, you're kinder, you're stronger, and you're not done growing yet. None of us are.

The Mistral arc marks a metaphorical growth spurt for both Weiss and Jaune. This development manifests in the volume 5 climax, where their stories intersect:

This scene is a culmination of their respective developments and ties with both their allusions:

Snowhite dies, but is resurrected by the Prince

Jeanne D'Arc performs a mircacle and brings back a person from the death

So, it is clearly very important symbolically, but what does it mean for Weiss and Jaune's characters, specifically?

1- Weiss and Jaune overcome two fake Maidens

Vernal and Cinder are the two fake Maidens of the Mistral arc, as the opening of volume 5 suggests:

Vernal is set up as the Spring Maiden and Cinder is set up as Raven's biggest foe. And yet, neither of them lives up to expectations. On the one hand Vernal is just a red herring, while Cinder isn't Raven's true opponent, but Yang is.

At the same time, Vernal and Cinder are Weiss and Jaune's opponents during the Battle of Haven. Interestingly, they both challenge the kids about their true identities. Who are they really?

Vernal: Let's see what the Schnee name really means.

Cinder: Who are you again?

Vernal mocks Weiss by stating she is nothing outside her name and Cinder sneers at Jaune by telling him he is a nobody. These are Weiss and Jaune's biggest fears. Weiss is scared her only value is her Schnee name, whereas Jaune is terrified of being a loser. In short, both Vernal and Cinder attack Weiss and Jaune's egos and leave them shattered:

Vernal physically breaks Weiss's aura, while Cinder psychologically destroys Jaune by targeting Weiss, just like she did with Pyrrha. Vernal and Cinder's objective is really to reduce Weiss and Jaune to nobodies. And yet, they fail. That is because the self is not found in physical strength or power, but rather comes from inside:

Yang: You might be powerful, but that doesn't make you strong.

In this battle Vernal and Cinder really symbolize Weiss and Jaune's illusory sense of selves. Their ugly personas. This is why they are both fake. Fake maidens masked with strength and confidence. And yet, they are deep down made of lies.

Vernal derides Weiss because of her dependency on the Schnee Family. And yet, Vernal herself has dedicated her whole existence to the Branwen Tribe and even changed her name for Raven's sake. In other words, she has reduced herself to her Spring Maiden persona. She is the one, who is nothing more than a name. And a false one, to boot.

Cinder laughts at Jaune's wannabe hero performance, but a lucky strike by her opponent is enough to derail her. An inexperienced fighter like Jaune grazing her breaks Cinder's whole facade and shows the ugly psychological wounds she hides behind a mask.

This is why Vernal and Cinder defeat Weiss and Jaune, but ultimately fail and actually destroy each other. Vernal dies by Cinder's hand, despite how strong and smart she is. Cinder is unmasked by Raven and falls because of Vernal's final desperate attack, which ensures Cinder's defeat.

Weiss and Jaune instead are reborn thanks to each other. Weiss is physically saved by Jaune, whereas Jaune starts to psychologically heal through helping Weiss. Weiss unlocks a new summon, while Jaune discovers his semblance. In the end, Weiss and Jaune don't need to play by Vernal and Cinder's rules.

Weiss's strength doesn't lie in her individual skill, but in the relationships she has built with others. She doesn't have to survive on her own because she is full of loved ones ready to help her shine. And she can help them too.

Jaune is heroic not because he is a lonely warrior slaying villains, but because he is a good friend always ready to help. His value lies in his wish to protect others. Moreover, he can rely on them when he needs.

Weiss and Jaune's real selves are in their hearts, which are growing stronger. That is why they lose the physical fight, but win the spiritual one. They ultimately succeed, as Weiss's Queen Lancer is key to saving Haven and Jaune's Aura Amp is fundamental in saving Weiss. Weiss protects a Kingdom, while Jaune protects a girl.

2- Weiss and Jaune integrate with their animus/anima

Weiss and Jaune embrace their true selves by reconciling their masculine and feminine parts. Once again this process is conveyed through their allusions.

Our Snowhite dies and is reborn twice. The first time, Jacques (the Evil Queen) kills her psychologically by taking away her Heiress title and imprisoning her in her room (the glass coffin). Weiss is able to escape by developing her masculine side (the Knight).

She successfully draws energy from her animus (her inner Prince) and uses this new found resourcefulness to escape. She leaves behind her passiveness (feminine) and grows more active (masculine). This is why her summon symbolically breaks the window and immediately after Weiss makes the choice to leave.

The second time, Cinder (another Evil Queen) kills her physically, but Jaune (the Prince) saves her. As a result, Weiss wakes up and is crowned Queen.

Becoming Queen in fairy tales means you have reached self-actualization. So, Weiss has become her true self, which is a combination of feminine (queen) and masculine (lancer). The Queen Lancer then symbolizes Weiss reconciling with her anima (feminine part) by making it freer, more genuine and stronger through her animus (masculine part).

Our Jeanne performs a miracle and has a vision. He brings Weiss back from the death in Haven. By doing so he physically plays the part of the Knight in Shining Armor. Still, he succeeds by integrating his animus with his anima. As a matter of fact he lets go of fighting and killing (masculine) and takes up healing (feminine):

Later on, he needs spiritual guidance and finds it in his anima (Pyrrha). So, he has a symbolic "vision" of her in front of her statue:

Obviously, the woman is probably Pyrrha's mother, but it doesn't matter. The whole scene is framed up as aetherial and ambiguous because thematically Pyrrha's soul points Jaune toward the right path. So, Jaune is guided by his feminine side.

Weiss and Jaune's journey in Mistral leads them to face their fears and let go of their personas. By doing so, they succeed at integrating their animus and anima. The end result is that they grow up.

Weiss blooms into a Queen:

Weiss's royal dress is blue (melted ice) and has snowhite-like puff sleeves.

Jaune becomes a Knight:

Jaune's outfit keeps his red details and adds more gold to it.

Upon their arrival in Atlas, they are not Ice Queen and Vomit Boy anymore, but genuine articles.

QUEEN AND KNIGHT

Right now I’m just a bit surprised Cuz I feel just fine And I might just touch the sky

The sun is shining in the sky The birds are smiling so am i I’m kicking ass in every way Think this change is here to stay It’s feeling like a brand new day

In Atlas, our Queen and Knight live their best lives.

Weiss arrests her father and reconnects with her estranged family. She becomes the Queen of the Schnee family. Jaune instead supports everyone, meets the admiration of civilians and is in generally successful. He becomes a perfect Knight in Shining Armor.

Even when the situation gets dire they both maintain a mature attitude. They are not touched by the Divide and their major conflict lies rather with a family member (sibling):

Winter: You're not leaving me. I'm giving you a head start.

Ren: You cheated your way into Beacon!

Winter and Ren oppose Weiss and Jaune out of repression and frustration. And yet, Weiss and Jaune's reaction is of empathy and understandment:

Weiss: Don’t worry, they’re sisters. Sometimes sisters just have very different ideas about what’s right.

Jaune: We’re all under a lot of stress right now. I used to push people away too.

They never doubt their loved ones and when Winter and Ren come around there is no need for apologies. Weiss and Jaune simply welcome them back with warmth.

In short, our Queen and Knight are among the characters who have grown the most, so they often come up with solutions. For example, Jaune offers a way to overcome the Divide from a practical point of view:

Jaune: Okay. Okay… Then let’s go for both. Get Amity up and running and evacuate Mantle.

Weiss is instead the one to state the theme outloud before the climax:

Weiss: Trust is a risk

This development is precisely why they both get to shine in the final battle.

On the one hand Weiss holds it together while her team is in disarray after Yang's fall. Ruby is traumatized and caught up in a fight with Neo, while Blake temporally loses it. Weiss keeps on facing Cinder alone and does her best to protect Penny and the relic.

On the other hand Jaune keeps a level-head and manages to evacuate the civilians only to join the fray at the very end. He reads the situation correctly and kills Penny when there is no other choice.

Weiss and Jaune have grown into who they want to be in the beginning. This is why they are the last fighters standing. And yet, despite all their training and maturation, they still fail. They face an Evil Queen (Cinder) and are defeated when they are at their strongest. Weiss is a true Queen fighting for her home and Jaune is a true Knight fighting for the people. And yet, they are crushed and fall. Just like at Beacon.

Once again, Weiss fails to protect a Kingdom:

Once again, Jaune fails to protect a Maiden:

At the same time, they believe the other can somehow succeed, even if they don't:

Weiss: Maybe… Jaune and Winter were able to get them out, despite… everything… despite us…

Jaune: I don’t know where the others are, but… Weiss will give us time!

Weiss hopes Jaune and Winter (aka her ideal) save the relics. Jaune hopes Weiss can buy him and Penny time, like Pyrrha (aka his ideal).

In short, Weiss and Jaune grow into their ideal selves, but still lose. Not only that, but they keep on projecting their ideals on others. And yet, these others also fail. So, what to do? The only choice is to let go of unreachable perfect paragons.

FALLEN QUEEN AND RUSTED KNIGHT

Weiss: I am a citizen of a fallen Kingdom and an heir to nothing. I will not be defined by my name because I will be the one to define it. I am Weiss Schnee, and I am a Huntress!

NeoCat: You were never the brave knight either! Just more fairytale nonsense!

Weiss and Jaune's journey in the Ever After is about letting go of their Queen and Knight idealized self-images. In this way they can truly accept who they are. This is difficult at first because they are full of self-hate and regret:

Weiss: But it wasn't enough! We hatched a crazy plan that put a whole kingdom at risk, and we don't even know if we saved the Relics...

Jaune: I’m trying so hard to save them… I stopped them from becoming what they needed to be. I was being selfish because I… I wanted the rush of rescuing someone and I got that here.

Still, they both work through it in 2 ways.

They face their traumas again:

Weiss: I am so tired of leaving places in ashes…

Jaune: On that bridge… I was the only one that could do it! I was the ONLY ONE! And I… And now I have to live with that forever… In here or back home…

They change their dynamic with Ruby, who they put on a pedestal.

Specifically, Ruby becomes a paragon for both Weiss and Jaune during the Mistral arc. There, Weiss learns to be emotionally vulnerable with her partner. Jaune instead grows to admire Ruby's optimism and hopeful self.

So, after the fall of Atlas, both Weiss and Jaune go back to Ruby. Weiss lets out all her troubles, while Jaune dives after Crescent Rose and proudly gives it back.

However, Ruby is in no condition to play Weiss and Jaune's hero. This shows and it unnerves them, who grow progressively more irritated with Little Red:

Weiss: Hurry! People are counting on us!

Jaune: I know you may not care about protecting this village, but you could at least help your friends when they’re in danger.

Until Ruby herself snaps at the both of them. Interestingly, it is Weiss's demand that Ruby consoles Jaune, which sets her off. Moreover, throughout her monologue, Ruby calls Weiss out on her dependency on her:

Ruby: What about me? “No time”, right? “Gotta get home!” “Gotta help Jaune!” Gotta find someone who isn’t just going to screw everything up!

And she lashes out against Jaune's hero complex:

Ruby: I’m sorry, is this a bad time? Are we supposed to be mourning Jaune’s make-believe friends?!

She pintpoints both their flaws and then runs away. It is Ruby's outburst, though, which wakes up Weiss and Jaune.

Weiss finally realizes Ruby's pain and empathizes with her. Her words clearly have an impact on Jaune too:

Weiss: Ruby has always been the one to get us through the hard times. We say things like “We believe in you”, “We can count on you”. I know we mean well, but…

They both let go of their idealization of Ruby, which in turns helps them with their own struggles:

Weiss: I think you’re asking too much of yourself. We’ve been telling ourselves that failing means we’re no good. But I can guarantee even the best Huntsmen in history… they’ve all lost. But they were still incredibly brave… and good.

In front of a genial ruby, Weiss and Jaune manage to move forward through each other.

Jaune is spiritually guided and shown empathy by Weiss. Weiss instead starts healing psychologically by helping Jaune. In a sense, this is a parallel and an inversion of their shared moment in volume 5. There Jaune finds himself strong enough to cure Weiss. Here Weiss finds herself wise enough to teach Jaune. Both are in a self-hate spiral, but then realize they are better than they think by saving the other. At the same time, this moment also calls back Jaune's "vision" in Lost. There Jaune is shown the way by a Pyrrha stand-in. Here Weiss steps into the role of spiritual adviser.

After spending the whole volume looking for someone to guide her, Weiss discovers she can be the guide. After spending the whole volume wanting to be the hero, Jaune realizes he is the one that needed help the whole time.

They both learn the main theme of the volume:

Jaune: Maybe that Cat was right… Maybe I just needed to accept it. It’s not a place you go.

They reach acceptance of who they are. Both their good traits and their negative traits. They accept they did their best, but also that they lost. And once they do, they become able to better accept others, as well:

Jaune: I think I get it. This is how we got here, or… why the Tree brought us here. Acceptance.

Weiss: We've done everything we can. Now it's up to Ruby. Whatever happens next… we have to welcome that.

Not only do they let go of their idealized self-images, but of Ruby's too. This is why they are ready to welcome her, no matter what. Strengths and limits, alike.

Thanks to their inner development, they both get to make another step into self-actualization. This growth is shown symbolically in the finale . Weiss is finally able to summon a full Nevermore, which combines all her previous glyphs (so it is symbolic of the self). Jaune accepts Alyx's hand and goes back to his real self through her (he goes from iron to mercury). These are glimpses of who Weiss and Jaune are going to finally become.

SOPHIA AND HERMES

Curious Cat: Looking at you, wise huntress.

Alyx: Maybe it’s time for a change, to be the kind of man you always wanted to be.

So, who are Weiss and Jaune going to be at the end of their journey? It is still too soon to say, but I would not be surprised if they were to become Sophia and Hermes to each other.

Who are Hermes and Sophia? They are the embodyments of a perfected animus and a perfected anima. In short, by the end of their psychological development, a woman should integrate with Hermes and a man should integrate with Sophia. Personally I think (wish) Weiss is stepping in the role of Sophia for Jaune, while Jaune is stepping in the role of Hermes for Weiss. Volume 9 might have given symbolic hints of this.

Weiss is directly associated with wisdom, which is what Sophia means.

Jaune goes from iron to mercury through Alyx and Mercury is just another way to call Hermes. Moreover, one of the symbols of Hermes in alchemy is a stag and well... Juniper resembles one.

Now, this final integration can be romantic (my preference) or platonic/individualistic (if they chicken out). What is sure is that it's going to happen, one way or another. It is just the cherry on top on a animus/anima story.

Snowhite and the Animus

Snowhite is the story of a child growing up. The first step in self-actualization is to stop identifying with the Mother, so the mirror image changes. This transformation generates an inner conflict. On the one hand there is the side who wants to grow up (Snowhite), on the other hand there is the side who doesn't wanna change (the Evil Queen). It is only by conquering the Evil Queen (the shadow), that Snowhite can truly become herself.

And how does she do it? She succeeds through an integration with her animus (masculine side):

The King is absent and doesn't help Snowhite

The Hunter appears and helps Snowhite

The Dwarves give Snowhite a home

The Prince saves Snowhite

As you can see, Snowhite's story is full of male characters and each new one is more helpful than the one before. This is because all these characters are representations of Snowhite's interiority and of her strenghtening animus. It is initially possessed, but then it progressively blooms until it saves the protagonist.

Now, this is just Weiss's story in a nutshell:

Willow is absent and Weiss's animus is possessed (The Arma Gigas she fights in the White Trailer)

Winter helps her and inspires Weiss to pursue her career as a Huntress (After her visit Weiss summons a part of her Knight)

Team RWBY welcomes Weiss and become her adoptive home and family (Weiss becomes herself through them)

Only the Prince is missing and it will probably be Jaune (he already is in volume 5). Wait, aren't all these characters women? Yes, they are because Weiss's fairy tale is all genderbent except her. So, why should Weiss's Prince be Jaune? Because in his case, he is the genderbent one :P

Jaune can be Weiss's Prince (again platonically or romantically) only if he fully blooms into Jeanne first. He can't be a real Knight, if he doesn't become a Maiden.

The Four Stages of Anima

Jaune's journey through the anima is well conveyed through 4 stages, which stand for archetypical female figures. Each one represents a different level of maturity:

Eve is the mother - The boy has no romantic attachment and sees the woman as a source of protection and nourishment

Helen is the seductress - The boy feels romantic attraction and sees the woman as a talented individual, but pays no attention to her spiritual or inner life

Mary is the virgin - The boy fells mature love and sees the woman as a paragon of virtue, but pays no attention to her negative traits

Sophia is wisdom - The boy is ready for a relationship with a woman as an equal partner and sees the feminine as a source of wisdom with no need to objectify the woman anymore

This scale describes Jaune's relationship with the feminine perfectly:

Eve is Pyrrha - she nurtures and protects him as a mentor and Jaune feels initially no attraction to her

Weiss is Helen - she is Jaune's first crush and he grows enough to see her as a talented person, but can't understand her inner world

Mary is Pyrrha - she becomes Jaune's guide and the embodyment of heroism and virtue

Only Sophia is missing and I think she will be Weiss. In general, though, these phases describe Jaune's general approach to women and how it changes. He arrives at Beacon looking for a girlfriend because that is what a man should do, which in itself is a very childish behavior. Then he grows to see the girls around him as powerful individuals, but he can't go behind the surface. This is true for Weiss, but also for Pyrrha, whose struggles he ignores. After her death, Pyrrha becomes an ideal, but she isn't the only one. For example, Jaune believes Weiss and Ruby can save Pyrrha from Cinder and later on he keeps idealizing them. In volume 9, he learns to let go of his idealization and to see others as their own people. He is stepping into Sophia (wisdom).

MIRROR MIRROR

I looked in the mirror And I gotta say It’s been a long long time Since I felt this way

Weiss and Jaune go through perfect mirror journeys, which are about recognizing others to see their own selves and vice versa. This is why Weiss's mirror mirror motif works so well for them.

They don't know who they are (mirror tell me who am I?)

They realize they dislike their current selves (mirror tell me who is the loneliest of all? I am the loneliest of all)

They work to change (mirror I'll tell you something, I might change it all)

They overcome their narcisism rooted in self-loathing (I'm shattering the mirror that keps me split in pieces)

Now that they can see who they are better, the next step is to probably see others more clearly. This is the secondary theme of the volume, after all: empathy.

Ruby breaks Summer's pedestal and as a result she can see herself better. In turn, this makes her able to look at others in a new light:

Weiss and Jaune do the same. They break Ruby's pedestal and show empathy and forgiveness for themselves and her. Still, this is framed as just the beginning. The theme of empathy is probably gonna be explored in later volumes. This is true for both Ruby's arc and Weiss and Jaune's stories.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the next mirror mirror song is a conversation not with the mirror, but with another person? A person that is a mirror, but not because stuck inside it like Weiss in the beginning. A person, who is a mirror because every person can be a mirror of another if looked at with empathy. And this is what beating the mirror really means. Not to look at ourselves through it, but to look at ourselves through others. And to accept them. And to accept us.

[littleeyesofpallas]

Bleach’s Issue with Queer characters (3/3)

So then there’s Giselle (and to a less canon extent Shutara) who I think Kubo erroneously categorizes as similar to both eachother and to the above gay men stereotypes.  And I think understanding Kubo’s approach to Giselle hinges on what he set up (but didn’t follow through on) with Shutara.

I’ve mentioned before, but I’m pretty certain think Shutara Senjumaru is meant to be a kabuki onnagata*.  Not in-world, mind you; I don’t think she is somehow employed as an actor in a literal kabuki theater. (i would hope that was obvious, but one can never be too sure...)  Just like Tier Harribel isn’t literally a light skinned, dark haired person doing gyaru/ganguro fashion, her presumably naturally tan skin and blonde hair is based on the general aesthetic.  Shutara likewise is channeling distinct look and feel that draws from a mix of oiran, geisha, and kabuki aesthetics. (granted all three are closely related in influencing one another’s aesthetics in the first place)

But while the look and even the demeanor tend to play all three ways, I think the particular fixation on clothes, costuming, and the somewhat adjacent theme of “disguise” that Kubo has shown to put emphasis on in this kinds of situations, as well as the fact that he gave her a distinctly masculine name, Senjuumaru, point to her being some form of queer, albeit something Kubo seems to pretty clearly lack the understanding to better articulate himself.  Is she a trans woman?  Gender fluid?  A male identifying transvestite?  There’s not enough real material for us to draw that particular line, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to conclude that she’s not a cis woman.

*Kabuki is traditionally an all-male theater form, and “onnagata” refers to actors who specialize in playing women roles.  Generally all actors train in the delineated masculine and feminine styles, but an actor’s career sticks to just one or the other...

...There is a whole big thing about how cultural institutions like kabuki and takarazuka theaters’ creation of socially acceptable and even celebrated, public and professional genderqueer spaces creates a myriad of gender dynamics that just don’t exist in the West, and it’s something that has made the attempt to adopt a globalized understanding of queer identity a little trickier in Japan:

In the West the gender binary was rigidly enforced such that to explore alternatives was basically uncharted territory (that’s an oversimplification, but you know what I mean; There’s a lack of contiguity with those who came before) but with japan there were already nonbinary spaces in place, and the lines around those don’t neatly line up with the ethnocentric western ideas some people try to pigeonhole those into.  In general, it gets dangerously close to just flat up colonizer rhetoric.

(forgive the outdated reference image, but honestly I don’t know what even counts as a recognizable example of a “““trap”” character these days.  And I use that term with GREAT reluctance, but I want to differentiate the exploitative cliche usage of a trans caricature from any actual representational trans character.)

Anyway...  That all just leaves Giselle.  And let’s be real, there’s no excuse for this one.  Maybe that seems like a weird anticlimactic place to take this series of posts... like, after all this, maybe it feels like I should’ve had some equally obtuse logic to explain this one away as a matter of escalation or as a Rule of Threes.  But no, not really.  I just think it’s a little unreasonable to treat the massive screwup that was Giselle’s portrayal as part of some sort of bigger ongoing trend, when it’s really more of an unrelated outlier in a bigger umbrella subject.

She is in fact a bad case of the long standing anime/manga fetishization of transwomen as a concept, as a spectacle to be gawked at and made the butt of jokes or to be included specifically as an anomaly.  And in Giselle’s case her specific depiction as a depraved, physically/sexually abusive villain on top of that is an explicitly toxic combination.

In spite of that, I still don’t think Kubo actually meant for it to reflect poorly (not that that matters or diminishes its harmfulness) I think he genuinely just has no real grasp of what that kind of characterization means.  I say that largely because of the way he treats a lot of her role in the plot.  Not that she’s integral to moving it forward, but that she occupies space and survives in the plot as long as she does, even when she could've been conveniently (and frankly more neatly) written out;

He seems to like drawing her and gives her a range of expressions and gestures (something he doesn't afford all his characters, even some of his major ones)

He likes to expand on her powers and gimmicks beyond what was necessary if he'd been aiming for minimum effort

He even paired her off against his personal favorite character, Mayuri.

Point being, Kubo seems to personally like Giselle as a character, but he took a horrible insensitive and ignorant path in writing her character.

But an undeniable fact is, she’s not alone as this kind of villain, she’s just the only one that happens to be trans.*  Mayuri himself, Aaroniero, Szayelaporro, Zomarri (just a little bit), Tousen (at the very end), Tsukishima, As Nodt, Gremmy (a little), and Askin all to some degree dip into this shtick Kubo does where his villains aren’t just sadistic but ecstatically so, to the point of intoxicated, gleeful derangement.  Yet in spite of that, those characters are all usually meant to be “cool,” not detestable.

Remember, Mayuri was initially written as, hands down, the most despicable characters in Bleach —he was abusive and sadistic, misogynistic, actually physically grotesque, predatory, dishonorable sneaky & underhanded, complicit in a genocide, just in general a clearly communicated mad scientist villain, and he was all of this in direct and deliberate contrast to Uryuu’s chivalrous personality type(already established in his defending Orihime from Jiroubou) as well as Nemu’s noble stoic subservient victimhood— and yet he’s also Kubo’s favorite character in the series.  Kubo doesn’t actually write Giselle any particularly worse than the others, BUT he also doesn’t disassociate her being trans from her being villainous, and again, even incidentally, that manages to perpetuate a harmful narrative in the overall.

*(Actually, I’ve kinda touched on it before but I sort of suspect Mayuri could be trans, in which case; OOPS, that makes two, and that doesn’t make it better....)

[1][2][3]

[sybaritick]

For a long time I've thought that my sexuality isn't meaningfully different from that of a typical cishet man living in this same society, and it's just that I'm more interested in examining it closely and therefore I'm getting to layers under or above it that most men who aren't LGBT don't bother with.

you might think "Cal, but you are openly bisexual!" and I might say... well, I think many are more attracted to the social role and trappings of the woman rather than anything inherent to her body. The performance of womanhood, women's clothing that is intended to be sexually attractive and show more of the body compared to men's, the ideal of her vulnerability and submissiveness, the woman as a clever toy and object for consumption. In a society that treated some arbitrary group of both men and women fully as women, I feel confident a large number of "heterosexual men" would be attracted to those men!

Like you (the reader), I was exposed to opportunities to better understand the underlying mechanisms of gendered oppression in a way many cishet men are not because I am, of course, subject to that oppression (for being visibly gender-nonconforming as a teenager and then being a trans man, for being non-heterosexual).

but when I saw it, when I began to understand little pieces of it and the ways in which it intertwines with other unjust hierarchy of course there was some part of me that perversely admired it.

I saw what it was capable of. of course I wanted to wield it. To hold even pieces of a power so much greater than I can command alone. Sure, societal prejudices and hierarchies have been shaped oddly by the years as if by erosion, organic and imperfect, it's not as I would design it (or as anyone one individual would!) but I am not picky. It's still a weapon, even if the weight distribution isn't quite right for someone of my build. but doesn't it feel so fucking good in your hands?

I can bargain with myself that it's well within my rights to eroticize pain I suffered and left behind. and everything else, I can say: well, this is what a [typical heterosexual] man wants; I am no different than the others. The only difference is that I was granted the background to see it for the evil it was, and I wanted it even more-- and that most of you people [het men] don't know what you have!

the advantage feels too natural to them, they don't feel it purring underneath their fingertips, they don't feel the way it restrains her before they'd even have to. do they even understand enough to love it like I do? god, they're such philistines.

[immobiliter]

okay so i wanted to preface this meta by reiterating that romantic shipping is absolutely not my priority for furina and that i don't ship any of the popular fanon ships out there for her, but i do want to elaborate a little on how much, if any, experience furina has in this area — especially as the fandom either tends to sexualise her ( which is funny to me because i would say she's one of the few adult female characters in genshin who isn't purposely dressed in a way to make her sexually appealing ), or infantilise her and furina is, frankly, neither of those things. she's not a child — her immaturity imo stems from the fact that, in focalors' words, when she separated her divinity and humanity she left behind "only a self that was as naive and bewildered as my past self on her first day as a human being." furina was like a newborn human but at the age of a young woman in her early 20s. she wasn't allowed to develop in the way that ordinary humans do in early life and therefore an inner child is trapped inside of her, explaining a lot of her immaturity.

but anyway i digress~ my simple answer to this is that furina has never had sex with another person, and i say this because i find it hard to believe that she could justify doing so while she is playing the role of a god. as it's noted in one of her character stories, furina would decline more intimate social events simply because "the greater the intimacy of her association with others, the more difficult it would be to conceal her identity." the way she plays her divine role is to create distance between her and the common people of fontaine — she is a god and therefore exists on an entirely different plane of existence to everyone else, and in making herself inaccessible in that way she protects herself from scrutiny. we also know from her story quest that she has always had difficulty maintaining close relationships for obvious reasons, so i would therefore argue that it's not a leap to assume that she has not had any relationships of a sexual or romantic nature in that time either. gods are to be marvelled at from afar, not individuals who ordinary humans can be intimate with.

however, this does not mean she is a stranger to sex as an idea or concept, she has simply cut off her own personal connection to this part of herself for the past five hundred years, that's all. historically speaking, theatre and sex have been entwined for hundreds of years and during the regency/victorian/revolutionary france era that fontaine seems to draw heavy influence from, actresses were often also sex workers. while that's not the case here, for furina, she has played numerous parts on the stage over centuries and in that time has almost certainly played the romantic lead. she has acted out what it is to be in love, she has acted out desire and longing and all of the complicated emotions associated with that. she also knows what it is to be looked at by an audience, and knows how to make herself appealing while on stage to ensure that she is looked at. off of the stage, she is primarily surrounded by melusines working at the palais and neuvillette who is mostly certainly not looking at her like that lmao. but just because she has not partaken in that sort of intimacy herself does not mean that you can label her naïve and innocent — again her purposeful abstinence is all part of her performance.

as a sidenote it's also interesting to talk about theatre and sex/gender in terms of furina because of the element of androgyny to her character design, and androgyny having been a part of theatre for generations. in her pneuma state ( which is how she appears throughout the AQ ), furina has longer hair and a lighter white / blue colour scheme with her white waistcoat and shorts, making her more typically feminine in appearance. her ousia state, which is how she appears in anything post AQ, has the shorter bob haircut and the black waistcoat and shorts ( and therefore seems to be the appearance she favours as her "true self" ), which is less typically feminine. again to draw on historical examples, female roles in shakespeare's plays were originally played by men, and it is not uncommon for young women to play male roles in a theatre show either ( drag is a thing in the theatre, it always has been ). the possibility that furina has not just played female roles but male roles in a show is definitely there and i certainly wouldn't rule it out. regardless of the gendered role she performs, getting furina on board with a play at all would be a huge deal for any theatre troupe. if she decides she finds the role of the young male character more appealing, nobody would dare argue with her lmao.

but again i'm digressing lmao. my point really is that furina has shut off access to that part of her that may genuinely desire sex/intimacy/connection — meaning that, in a situation where she does grow closer to another individual, it will take a lot of patience and trust for her to unlock that part of herself but it is there. and when furina finds it, i think she'd find it really cathartic and rewarding to actually get to explore it with somebody.

[backjustforberena]

in an attempt to sanitize rhaenyra (i suppose to make her seem ‘better’ in comparison to aegon, which… she was always better) the show has absolved her of so much and refuses to allow others to be angry with her.

they didn’t kill laenor, instead had him leave (although now it seems he is dead anyways, bc how would seasmoke be able to claim addam?) to absolve rhaenyra and daemon of murder. they had rhaenys volunteer to go to rook’s rest instead of rhaenyra sending her (i will admit, in the show it does kinda make more sense), so that no one could be blamed for her death.

even corlys, who is grieving, is told that his grief is not his! which… the more i think about that scene, the more complicated my feels of it are. it’s a good character moment for baela, but for the show to ‘scold’ corlys for being angry and upset that his wife is literally dead is… a choice. and it also removes the motivation for later actions.

i do like the show, it’s a fun way to past the time for an hour and gave me ship i enjoy much more than i did in the book, i kinda just wish that the show trusted the audience more. like if the ultimate goal was to make people root for rhaenyra, i think they would have done that with her doing the actions that she’s done in the book. bc taking that away has taken away some really dynamic characters choices

I'm always quite interested in this idea of "sanitizing" Rhaenyra. I don't know if I can say it's something being done with absolute precision, as much as her role has been centralised and the plights of her gender are at the forefront of a lot of her scenes, which naturally places her in a "weaker" and therefore empathetic position. She is shown more as a mother than a warmonger. She is shown to be caring and empathetic and she is positioned as the protagonist, all of which are meant to, and do, endear an audience to her.

Does Laenor's death sanitize her? In the book, she has nothing to do with it. There's not a scrap of evidence and Laenor's death is far less mysterious - the only thing floated is a possible conspiracy from Daemon. But Corlys (and Rhaenys) place all blame on Qarl. The show changes that to Rhaenyra actively participating in a plot. Whether Laenor lives or dies, she does it so people will fear her and she directly implicates herself in the murder of Laenor a few days after the funeral of his sister. It is still the removal of Laenor from the life of his parents and we aren't given any information as to how Laenor feels about it or lives with it. Neither is Laenor's continued life impactful on the plot or given as a gift of knowledge to anyone. For intents and purposes, he is dead. They did commit murder. The best we can say is that his escape had a sense of "gotcha" about it - but I believe that was done to help avoid the "bury your gays" trope than anything else.

The show also changes the relationship of Laenor and Rhaenyra to, rather than Laenor enjoying relative freedom, a situation where Rhaenyra has trapped Laenor in King's Landing for ten years and orders him to remain by her side. All of that doesn't make her look any better. She nearly loses Driftmark and her crown due to the fact that she's not fostered a relationship with Rhaenys - it's only by the grace of her father that she clings on.

It's also interesting to look at the idea of "sanitizing" Rhaenyra when she's been so compared, in collusion and synonymous with Daemon, who is one of the greyest, blackest characters. We have a Rhaenyra actively seeking out violence, making impulsive choices, who wants to be more like Daemon who should not be anyone's role model.

Rhaenys volunteering to go to Rook's Rest didn't seem that big a change to me and it also seemed necessary, and in character for Rhaenys. I don't see how they could have done it another way, especially as the only one to send would be Jace (for that same impact) and he has his own thing going on about not being allowed to go and that being something longstanding. It's not particularly contradicting the book either, as we don't know Rhaenys's feelings at all regarding that battle or the idea of being sent alone.

I don't put Corlys's lack of a "book reaction" on a change to Rhaenyra's character arc, but a change in Corlys's. He's far more emotional and vulnerable at this point than he was in the book: grieving his children, his brother, his grandson/heir, as well as grappling with Addam and Alyn and being fresh off the back of a nearly mortal injury in a war that took him away from home for six years. His grief for Rhaenys takes priority over anger towards Rhaenyra and he's left devastated and also isolated on Driftmark, rather than lashing out on Dragonstone. But that's just my opinion.

I enjoy that scene between Baela and Corlys even if it is, perhaps, overly harsh towards Corlys. I don't think it's really "scolding" Corlys for grieving Rhaenys, but it is scolding him for grieving her to the point that dishonours her. It's Baela telling him to put on his big girl pants and do what Rhaenys would do. I think that's important for Baela and it's important for Corlys. It shows their motivation. Baela's allowed to be wrong in the scene and Corlys is allowed to be wrong in the scene as well.

Baela's finding empowerment and looking for strength in that scene, so it makes sense seh's get it. Corlys isn't there yet. He's untethered and he's weak so he comes across as fragile. He's drinking and he's crying and he's not sleeping. It's not healthy or constructive and we don't view it as such. Not sure what you mean about removing "the motivation for later actions" so I won't touch that.

Yeah, I think it's all quite complex. And probably too complex for sweeping statements. I doubt any scenario where the showrunner walks into a room and goes: Let's just make sure Rhaenyra's squeaky clean in this one, guys.

We have got a lack of follow-through, but I put a lot of that down to changes from the book then having to follow the book, a defunct relationship with time and reaction, and changes to individual character arcs and personalities, rather than solely in how a character relates to Rhaenyra, even if it ultimately serves her.

[system-of-a-feather]

I don't have that good communication beyond the subsystem, but I think Ray is trying to pass me an idea / suggestion about somewhere down the line possibly fusing with a deep part gatekeeper when we get around to that and when we aren't 1) busy dealing with gender shit (which will be a while) and 2) when I am more settled in the present and honestly its a pretty interesting concept

That gatekeeper is a bit of a mystique part that doesn't really work with or interact with most of the system by nature of their role - but I could see it happening and being a thing since me and that gatekeeper are somewhat originally modeled partially after the same OC (I'm not an introject, but that OC is one I relate and identify with to some level and my internal appearance was somewhat borrowed from it; that part is a shapeshifting part that takes the form of OCs and the original one he took upon was that same OC) and because I'm honestly volunteering and putting my name down for working with the deep dormant parts when the time gets around to it because despite being of the Riku subsystem - I cope and existed in a similar space and dealing with similar parts as those parts and while I'm "from this side" of the system, I am like... a dual citizen and that side of the system is not nearly as foreign to me as it is for other parts.

So that might be interesting. Not anytime immediate, but I am more than open to it.

I do love how this system is so enthusiastic to welcome me to the "functional unit" of the system - and I do actually mean that genuinely beyond my teenage "but i dont waaannnnnnnnaaa do anything and I don't want to participate in society" and less of an actual "its too much" - cause it would be really great if I was actually able to contribute and participate in helping the other parts in this brain that were in a similar place to me break out of that stuff and I would really like to contribute - especially since I am honestly, again, just really happy to be able to exist beyond curling up in a corner and having flashbacks constantly.

So if Ray and everyone hears me make one comment about the system and immediately eyeballs me as "such a possible future asset to the team" - as weird as it kind of is - I am more than glad to sign papers showing interest in being a trainee to the Squad because honestly, I think these guys are pretty cool and I'd really like to bring my old friends out here with me cause honestly, the main system is honestly a bit scared of them because they are pretty mentally fucked up and the longer they hide and cope in the "if i dont exist i cant have flashbacks 24/7" - the more unhinged they tend to get - but honestly, as someone who was there recently myself, they're not that bad and they're just really stuck and I really think they deserve better. They comforted me when I was in their place and I'd really like to help those parts come join me here.

Plus honestly, I really have to give the Functional Unit of this system a lot of credit, they did a lot of really good in the time I was either nonexistant or trapped in a loop and I'd really just like to add to that creation process because I think its really amazing how much we've learned to thrive since I was previously "alive".

That said, I firmly agree with the system's decision to completely ignore / leave "that side" of the system alone because 1) thats how the system is structured and there are a number of parts in place to keep it that way, so it would be fighting up stream 2) I know from personal experience that if the parts aren't coming to you, its more hurtful and harmful to try to bring them up - it's best to invite them when they come by on their own terms and take the time and 3) god it is hard "waking up" when you are in that place and while I think they deserve way better, I firmly stand by that half of the system being able to choose when they are ready and wanting to get that because again, its hard.

So while I do really like those parts, I really respect that they would rather not exist than deal with the trauma inherent in their existence and all - so all I am going to do is put my request and notification of willingness and interest to support them when the time comes on Ray's desk and letting him know that I very very much would love to help that side out as someone whose been there.

To which I'm getting the feeling from Ray, XIV, Riku, and Lucille that everyone is just astounded to hear anyone stating that about that side because I am only now realizing that literally everyone had no real good idea on how to safely work with those parts so I guess me being pretty casual about them is... unexpected for the elders who have spent years upon years thinking about how to handle "the sleeping dragon" as the system refers to that side of things.

That said, they do look at me like I went up to a Terrasque that has destroyed a whole continent and like I just grabbed it and started dressing it up in a tuttu or something.

[semper-legens]

188. The Mermaid, the Witch, and the Sea, by Maggie Tokuda-Hall

Owned: No, library Page count: 411 My summary: Florian is a pirate, whose ship cons people into captivity. Evelyn is the daughter of a rich family, being shipped away to marry a man she's never met. When their lives clash together, nobody would expect them to become close. But these two people who have lived by their society's rules are finding themselves slipping out of the roles cast for them. When you aren't who you were told to be, who are you? My rating: 3.5/5 My commentary:

This is a curious one. If you know anything about me, you can guess just from the cover of this book why I picked it up. It's about the sea! And mermaids! And pirates! Literally, it was just calling out to me to be read. And I…have struggled over the last few days to make sense of what I think of it, if I'm being completely honest. I liked it, that much is true, but there's a certain reservation on that liking, something I'm not entirely sure of. It's a curious world that's built up between these pages, and I did come away wanting to see more. In the end, this is very much a story that's up my street, and I certainly don't regret reading it. I'm just…you'll see what I mean under the cut.

Our main character is Flora, except when they are Florian. The narrative in her sections refer to her as she/her and Flora, so that's what I'm sticking with, even if it's made abundantly clear that Flora's identity is not a simple thing. Really, the issue of her identity is the core of her part of the book. Is she a man or a woman? A person or a pirate? A brother, a sister, a lover, a liar? Coming to terms with who she is forms the emotional climax of Flora's story, and it's not a simple question to answer. I admire the effort here, trying to name a trans identity in a quasi-historical narrative like this isn't tricky. Flora doesn't have the language to say 'nonbinary', let alone 'gender identity'. But at the same time, it makes the handling of Flora's character somewhat clumsy. The narrative is a little too in your face about it, making up for the ambiguity of the language by shoving the end result at you a little too hard. That said, however, I'd prefer a story that clumsily includes LGBT+ narratives over one that doesn't even try, so kudos there. Flora's interesting. She's hardened her heart because of the tough life she's lived, which makes her an excellent foil for love interest and secondary protagonist Evelyn. But she also loves, and is loved, and wants so desperately to cling onto that love even when it seems impossible. She carries a lot of guilt from being complicit in slavery and abuse, even when it's clear she had little real choice. There's tragedy to her, and it's compelling.

Evelyn, meanwhile, is in a tragedy of a different stripe. She's attracted to women in a patriarchal society where her role is to marry and have children. She's a boisterous, loud woman in a society where women are meant to be demure and polite. She's sheltered and naive, but at the same time hopelessly outspoken to a fault. And her apparent inability to see the boundaries of class lead to her befriending, and subsequently falling in love with, Flora. She's another really engaging character, her headstrong nature a good match for Flora's tendency to lurk in the shadows. And I liked that she was a confident and strong character without falling into the trap of needing a female character to be 'just as good as the boys' or physically strong rather than emotionally. She's strong in a way that's very credible to her station in life and her backstory; much like Flora, actually, who is the more physically capable of the pair. They play off each other well and are great to read about. It's really that clumsiness that gives me pause - Evelyn's attraction to women is treated with the same subtlety as Flora's gender. Not bad, just kinda clumsy.

I really enjoyed the worldbuilding here. Mermaid's blood that, when drunk, acts like a powerful intoxicant; spells woven out of stories; a genderless Pirate Supreme in a neverending pact with the Sea; the Sea as a character, as a mother with an agenda of her own; imperialism and colonialism examined under a magnifying glass. It's some good stuff, especially because I never felt as though it was force-fed to me or that there were large swathes of exposition. I'm leery of some of the choices made, though - the colonising force is a fantastical Japanese-inspired culture, but some of the colonised nations are explicitly white, like red-haired Rake. Tokuda-Hall herself is, obviously, of Japanese descent, and I'm white, so I'm hesitant to start throwing labels around, but this seemed a strange choice to me. So too did the decision for Flora and her brother, two of exactly three explicitly black characters, perpetrators of slavery, given the real-world context? I'm not sure what to make of it, but it did give me pause.

Next, still in the sea, but back to reality, as a great ship sinks.

[sigynsilica]

Gender vent post

I don't know if the fact that I don't relate to the female experience is because I'm not a girl or if it's because I'm autistic. I don't relate to any whole gender or lack thereof's experiences, and that is because I'm autistic, but I'm not sure if I wasn't autistic if I would be cis.

I can't figure out what words to call myself, and in the end I don't think it matters all that much What I Am. I enjoy expressing myself in androgynous ways, but expressing myself in a way that I perceive to be masculine comes more naturally to me. Femininity always feels like a performance. Not a bad performance, rather a performance that I love to engage in much of the time. My only problem with the performance is that many people cannot separate me from the act.

"Haha yes see how pretty of a girl I could be if I tried," I say, and people take that and mean I am a girl?? Part of the fun is telling others that I didn't choose masculinity because femininity is an impossible role. I don't hate my feminine body or traits, I celebrate them alongside my masculinity. I chose the latter because it comes more naturally to me. It feels more honest. But even when I perform masculinity, people still see the feminine engrained into me. And that feels like a lie that I can never escape.

I didn't give up trying to be a girl because I didn't think I could be one. I didn't give up being a girl because I hated girlhood. I gave up because I outgrew it. There is more of me than can fit into girlhood, so like a snakeskin that only reflects a part, not the whole of me, I shed it.

I want to be referred to as a man. Not because that is all that I am. There is more nuance than simply a man in me, but a stranger will not understand that, and I'm tired of being stuck and trapped in the role of woman forever.

I don't fully understand manhood, but I didn't fully understand womanhood. I don't fully understand humanity, and part of that is the autism, dialing that lack of understanding of self-expression to eleven, and part of that is just the human condition. We are not made to fully understand one another.

Can one even fully know oneself? No one else will know you better, that's for sure.

Is there a word that can encompass everything I present as? Is "everything I present as" what gender is?

I present as fabulous. That isn't a gendered concept. I present as an artist, and that's not gendered either. More people have clocked me as an artist than clocked me as queer. It's an identity I fit into better than most others I have.

My gender isn't male or female, it isn't boy or girl. I am a brother, a son, an uncle, and one day a boyfriend, but I am not a boy. I use those words because they fit me like a name. When the teacher said "can the boys help me carry these chairs to the front?" I always stood up to help. Because when referring to boys, I'm in there. When my dad said "ladies first," I hung back, because even though he thought he was referring to me, when you're referring to a group of ladies, you're excluding me.

So if you had to sort me I would be one of the boys. But like my name, that isn't everything I am. I feel off trying to fit everything I am into the word "boy" in the same way, but to a lesser degree, as I feel off trying to fit everything I am into the word "girl".

If I don't know you, as far as you're concerned I'm a man. But if I do know you, know that that isn't all I am. I can be a pretty princess, if I want. I can wear fairy wings and pretty dresses to the ball, but not because that is an expression of Me. It's just part of me, but it's a real, authentic part of me that demands to be let free sometimes. It doesn't take away from anything that I am, even the part of me that's best expressed through masculinity. It doesn't make me less of a brother or a son or an uncle. If I'm dressed up in my fancy ball gown with pins in my hair and my makeup done, if they call the men to help move chairs to the front, I'll be there, and if they say ladies first, I won't.

I don't relate to most men very well. Part of that is because I was raised to fear men by a conservative man who hurt me deeply and affected the way I see all men, including myself. But a lot of that is also, I can't stress this enough, it's the autism.

I feel alien in the presence of all humans. People claim I socialize so well, that for someone who doesn't like talking to people I don't know, I'm doing a great job, and I'm such a friendly and bubbly personality.

I love people, but not because I feel confident in my ability to navigate a conversation with one. That, too, is a performance, but of a slightly different kind.

Where I see myself as awkward and cold and unsociable, many other people don't. This is why I do have friends, even friends who don't have autism, and they like me, they have fun around me, and they consider me a friend, too. I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to interact with them, but that's not a bad thing, because in reality, I pass as Allistic really well, when I'm trying.

Here's the catch.

I don't know what gender is. I don't know how to define it. So there's a part of me that wonders if the whole thing isn't just my allistic persona trying on new ways to interact with human beings to fit into their categories and expectations of what a human is supposed to be. If it is, that's okay, too, because each new mask is thinner. Each presentation of myself is more authentic than the last, and I can feel like myself more when interacting with someone who's under the assumption that I'm a really weird boy than someone who thinks that I'm any sort of girl at all.

If gender is a performance, I am genderfluid. I do what I want when I want with people's expectations of what I should want to look like.

If gender is biology? I quit gender and I'm moving to theoretical physics.

If gender is an identity, the things someone can call me and refer to me as? Then I guess I'm a man, for the sake of simplicity.

But if gender is what I feel I am? There's no words that can fit everything. There's no one term that can encompass everything I feel I am.

My full encompassing performance of self is best described through vague metaphor that is left into the Listener's interpretation.

My gender is the first firefly you see in the summer.

My gender is the smell of the salt in the sea.

My gender is realizing halfway through the book that it's your new favorite.

My gender is the feeling in your knuckles as you let go of the handlebars on the roller coaster

My gender is crying over good news at half-past two in the morning.

It's the churning of the water in the pool of koi that you just dropped kettle corn into.

It's the pause between the lightning and the thunder.

It's the slice of cake you saved until you got home from work.

It's the soaring and pounding in your heart as you ride your bike down a hill that seems to drop off to the end of the world.

Do you understand? How can I ascribe masculinity or feminity to such things? Is churning koi water a man? Or a woman?

I just am. And I'm not a girl, so I'm not cis, but am I really anything else? Or am I just a phenomenon of nature, an indisputable fact of existence?

I'm a he, yes, but only in the same way that any Little Creature you find on the forest floor is a he. He's only a he because you can't tell for sure that he isn't.

I dunno. Maybe I made things more complicated than they should be.

[regarding-stories]

"Sword Art Online Progressive: Aria of a Starless Night" (Movie)

So, I just finished watching "Sword Art Online Progressive: Aria of a Starless Night" - the movie. With mixed feelings. Don't get me wrong - it's a nice enough movie. It's just goes to great lengths to edit one character in that didn't exist in the book, one (almost completely) out that definitely was there before and plays a role going forward. And that creates problems.

I can see why they did so. (Spoilers ahead.) Asuna becomes the protagonist, so we see events from her point of view. (Or at least, wee see things with her present all the time...) And the original "Aria of the Starless Night" was only half a book, after all. It certainly was sufficient to fill an episode of the original anime, but for a movie - a movie from Asuna's point of view - too few events happen outwardly.

One thing I appreciate about this adaptation is that we see a glimpse of Asuna's life before the game - very much in tune with what we know from Mother's Rosario. It becomes clear that Asuna is a hard worker. These scenes make me sad. They make me think how many Japanese childhoods are spent in cram schools and such, suffocating the ability to develop as a person in a multitude of ways. Childhood needs to prepare for life, yes, but it also needs room to be a person, to be yourself. How much is too much or too little is certainly debatable, but we see with Asuna that she works hard while finding no praise for it from her mother - whose approval she desires most. I can't help but feel sorry for her. Of course that's the intent of the scene, and it is well executed.

Where things go a bit wrong is the introduction of Misumi, Asuna's friend. Where Asuna is popular, Misumi doesn't care. Both excel at sports, but only Asuna cheers with her team. We soon find out that Misumi outscores Asuna yet finds time to be an obsessive gamer girl on the same level as our good slacker friend Kirito. (Remember, Kirito would typically try to do enough so that school wouldn't suffer, but he is no overachiever by any mark. Asuna would confirm that for herself when she asks him if trying to be part of the front of game progress is like being at the top of class or school. Kirito's stammering tells her - and us - all she needs to know.)

Misumi's introduction seemed over the top. It's just a hunch, but if I had to guess intelligence alone would not get you through Japan's school system with top grades, probably quite a lot of work and rote-learning are involved, especially since such a high value is put on scoring high and unlocking entry to a prestigious school, and competition is also tough. Something which we are reminded of by Asuna's classmates.

We probably learn another reason why Asuna is popular - here she is helpful to others, helping them score better grades as well. One has to wonder if we have left the Asuna of the book already behind. Book Asuna was afraid of the ridicule of her classmates because she had failed the path she had been on by being trapped in the game. (The path her mother designed for her. The obedient girl path.) A fear that doesn't feature much in the movie - it's barely mentioned.

(On a side note, we see Misumi never helping anyone, never cheering with anyone, and avoiding people. Quite the foreshadowing.)

Welcome to the tutorial

Mito (her gamer tag) then convinces Asuna to join her in the game, which Asuna does on a whim when she has the chance. (Originally Asuna couldn't quite explain why she joined the game, leaving it to us as readers to guess that she probably wanted more out of life than study and work and pleasing her mother.) This makes Mito co-responsible for something that was originally only Asuna's impulse decision alone.

The two meet in the game and we get a quick tutorial about the nature of online games - including what an avatar is and how people might play the other gender. This is played for a bit of fun but frankly isn't needed since most of that is immediately thrown out of the window with the classical opening. Still, I bet Asuna had a good day with a friend. When she wants to log out we are greeted by Kayaba's announcement - again. (Watching the crowds is an interesting exercise on this one. Meet some faces we already know.)

Mito then tries to pull a Kirito and drag Asuna along into the second town. Here we start seeing differences between the Kirito we know from elsewhere and Mito. In the novel and anime, Kirito suggested this to Klein but Klein stayed behind of his own volition. Kirito had given Klein a proper tutorial and then left town alone after offering him this opportunity. No matter how Kirito felt about it later - he gave Klein the info to make an informed decision, even if on the spot. Mito, on the other hand, drags Asuna along and almost gets her killed. (This vindicates Kirito a bit. Too bad he doesn't know.) Asuna had yet to get a proper intro into the actual fighting part of the game, nor did she know what was going on, lacking experience in an RPG in general. Mito's motivation is similar to Kirito's, but she seems to misunderstand that she can't just bypass the tutorial. She, however, and to her credit, understands, and does better. She then really settles Asuna into the game, shown as a sort of montage.

We then learn the realities of Aincrad. This is a bit of a remix. Remember how Kirito lost the Moonlit Black Cats? We see a party die in similar circumstances, with Mito doing nothing to change it. She doesn't feel great about it, but she lets them die. Her view is well suited to the realities of the game. But it leaves an aftertaste - for us, her, and Asuna.

This is the one regard that the movie goes deeper than previous media in explaining the supposed economics of the game. (I never found them convincing to begin with, but at least somebody converted them into a proper scene finally so we can see them in action.) Asuna and Mito find empty chest after empty chest in their dungeon crawls, so when Asuna sees a chest, she wants to open it. Mito insists that it's a trap - because else it would have been looted, too. It would require a decent locksmith skill to open without setting the trap off. This is of course exactly the situation a beta tester would know but a newbie would fall prey to, as originally demonstrated with Kirito's first guild in the original SAO Vol. 1 - Aincrad. This also properly motivates part of the hatred for beta testers we see later, something which both book and anime series never really get around to explain very well.

We then see another party fall prey to it, but this only reinforces what we saw in the anime. These traps are practically unbeatable death traps. (In the original, it was an anti-crystal zone, too, meaning it was intended to pose a high-level risk of a total party kill even for the mid-to-higher levels.) The tone this sets for Aincrad is certainly very dark. It is utterly unclear how you would know and avoid such a trap (beta test knowledge aside), and it would put a heavy burden on a party member to perfect their locksmith skill, something which in turn should make it a huge problem for Kirito and Asuna eventually, but apparently for them it is never a problem. Yay for consistency.

We can assume that this looting of the chests gives a few people an advantage over others, and we know a few things about Mito by now. In the opening scene of the movie she was beaten by Kirito in terms of being the players farthest in the game. So she wants to be at the front. We also learn through her time with Asuna that she prioritizes game progress. In spite of seeing her and Asuna having fun, there is a scene where Mito chastises Asuna for paying for something else than potions at the store - for cosmetic items. However, as Asuna points out, she went on a bit of a shopping spree because she wanted to get her mind off the deaths she observed that day. Plus she bought also what she was asked to. We see Asuna balance game with self-care, characterizing Mito further (if subtly) by needing Asuna to remind her.

Let's reuse some more stuff

We now come to climactic scene of the time Mito and Asuna spend together, and again it is lifted out of a Kirito story, The Day of Beginnings from SAO Vol. 8 - Early and Late. In the original story, Kirito and first party mate Coper go hunting the Nepenthes to score the special quest item that the most risky of the Nepenthes drops - the one that brings all Nepenthes from the area down on you if you kill it the wrong way. (Hey, SAO sure sounds like a fun game, y'all.) In that story Coper tries to bring the monsters down on Kirito, fully aware they might kill him. In the end, he gets done in by his own jerk-ass move, while Kirito escapes the situation barely.

It makes sense to lift such a detail to keep the consistency of the floor when making up content for it. The scene unfolds differently in a few ways. In the beginning, Mito makes Asuna rightfully aware of the danger involved. However, tempted by the chance to score some powerful gear, she asks Asuna to hold her own (which she agrees to) and runs off.

It's hard to tell with this movie, but you could say what Mito does makes sense for her character. We can assume that her drive to be the best in the game makes her feel bad when she comes to all those chests looted by others, but it would be better if she actually showed it more. If you are thwarted time and time again, it would explain the enormous lure of a rare drop, right? (By the way - why would any power gamer chose a scythe as a weapon? Maybe it's a good weapon for being hard to gauge as an opponent in a duel, but it probably is a weapon that doesn't drop a lot as random loot, unless loot is randomized for the party build.)

This sets up the tearing apart of the two everybody has been waiting for. This is not the first rodeo for practically anyone watching this movie, so we know what happens next.

Again, the makers of this movie insist on being over-the-top dramatic by not only making it seem like there are between 50-100 Nepenthes around, something which seems quite out of line with how the books are written. They also seem to suddenly be everywhere, not only swarming Asuna, but also preventing Mito from closing in after having been forcefully ejected from the location. At least the incidents driving them apart were all telegraphed properly before happening. Again, painting SAO in a horrible light. Mito steps near the edge, then an unstable effect triggers, and she falls off. Falling damage is (in the books) probably the scariest thing that can happen, so to trigger it this nilly-willy in a zone crawling with monsters is yet another dick move. This scene has them by the barrel-full, calling into question the level design of Aincrad to begin with.

Let's just recall that this area was optional in the original novel where it featured, bound to a quest for a special, powerful item. Here our heroines have to pass through it to progress. Placing the scene as is shades our perception of Aincrad.

But now things unfold further along those lines. Mito is separated from Asuna and sees her HP drop to within the death threshold. She sees no way to save her, and she doesn't want to see her die, so she leaves the party and runs. (Members of a party see each other's HP gauge, after all.)

This is actually a strong moment. Mito does care about Asuna. She just has at times poor judgement - just like when she first left town and almost got Asuna killed.

An entrance veering between stupid and amazing

Asuna then beats the last of the Nepenthes, something that seemed impossible to begin with, only to be attacked by a monster so overpowered, it must be a field boss? There's always a bigger fish, eh?

This makes no sense, really. Monsters don't mix nilly-willy in Aincrad, so why is this one here? For drama, of course. So now our capable woman is suddenly outclassed and Kirito appears, pulling some moves that we never see him do - like jumping on the monster itself. He then beats that thing. So far, so bad, really. It's such a setup, altogether, and unpleasing.

It is followed, however, by something awesome: Kirito is being awkward Kirito for the rest of the scene, unable to behave like a normal human being in the presence of beautiful Asuna. I treasure this scene for adding to his characterization.

Of course it's also a stupid scene. Asuna sits there, gawping. Yes, there is humor in that scene. But Asuna dropped into the red. If she has any sense of self-preservation, she would accept some potions and map data from him, if not an outright escort to town. She just has been left alone. Most people would feel vulnerable and have one of two reactions - to have problems trusting anyone and freak out, or to seek help because their trust in their own resourcefulness is shaken. The scene passed and misses making any sense.

Of course it's not allowed to make sense. Plot must happen still!

So, this is Asuna?

Next Asuna, the ever-changing heroine, has another change added to her list of arc-breaking changes. First the Sword Art Online Progressive light novels pull her forward in her timeline, completely overwriting her original character arc (without calling it a reboot, but I like it, so it's all good). Her initial exposure to the game, the evolution of her inner attitude, is also thrown out of the window. She makes no sense.

Now we have an Asuna that has twice been near death, that has - for all she knows - been left to die by a friend. But she has to come to the starting point of the novel. So without truly motivating it, the movie drags her there. She develops her death wish (not on screen, except for hearing some news how many already have died), then heads out into the labyrinth/floor dungeon with just cheap gear. Because the novel said so.

But this Asuna should know the value of gear and prep. Is this meant to say that she willingly disadvantages herself in a suicide attempt?

The original Asuna of the novel set out alone with barely a clue how to play the game so she could be herself. She has not shown us much of this attitude, but now she claims this as her motivation. (At least "being herself" is motivated by the opening of the movie. The Asuna of the real world had way too little chance to do that, so maybe she seeks to chose at least her own death.)

Kirito saves her again. This moment is weakened by having done the same just a few scenes before. How much saving does Asuna need?

The story has now returned to the rails of the original story that it stays on, ignoring anything in terms of character arc we might have seen in the first part of the movie. It's basically two stories fused together by the same people appearing on screen, but in Asuna's case she's not the same person from the first half.

The original (half) novel "Aria of the Starless Night" is short. But we get a good sense of that girl, her death wish, but also her finding joy again. This is not this Asuna. This Asuna was betrayed, almost died, was saved by someone, then went on her berserk solo path, then gets saved again (is it getting old?), then changes back. But in the movie we get no sense of the meaning all this has to her.

Instead we get an Asuna shower scene. I understand a regular Japanese bath would be different, but the novel clearly places her in the tub and tub only. I'm not very keen on Asuna fanservice that goes out of its way to create a shower scene, more than making it clear what that bath means to her. We're left a bit with the impression that a boy who gives her cream to eat and a bathtub is the one she will follow to the end of the world. This is the impression you want to avoid! They fumbled here. Asuna's arc is touched on but not conveyed to the viewer. (Of course, that would require seeing more of her than just the events of Aria of the Starless Night...)

The bath may have a whiff of fan service to it in the book, it also sets up a funny scene that introduces another character (which they removed), but its main point is to serve as the turning point of Asuna's character arc. She goes from tense and death-bound to relaxed and life-bound. The bath is a symbol of starting to appreciate what's good in life and being reminded of that, a symbol that is completely undermined by the first half of the movie where Asuna and Mito had fun beating the game together. This Asuna doesn't needed to be reminded that there are sensual joys to be found. She needs to be reminded that people can be trusted. A brutal character arc fumble.

Speaking of fumbles

Moving forward to the boss fight, the way the Diavel death scene is portrayed makes no sense. Diavel, in both novel and movie, is killed by the kobold lord boss. But in the novel, Kirito dispatches his own opponent and locks eyes with Diavel before he dies. Nowhere is it written that he is near his body to do anything. But both in anime series and movie, Diavel prevents Kirito from administering a potion - which makes no sense. If you stop the HP loss, you live. You don't die of internal injuries regardless. The Diavel of both anime adaptations essentially commits a suicide motivated by drama. The movie repeats this cheap move.

In general the choreography of the boss fight tries to make room for Mito to also play a role, and that means Kirito has to go down for a moment, then Asuna. Why? Because Mito. No better reason. Kirito is the guy who beat that field boss type monster that was about to kill Asuna by himself, without breaking a sweat or taking a hit. But hey. Wildly differing portrayals in the same work of art make sense, right?

The same is true for Kirito's "beater" scene. It makes a lot of sense for the readers of the novels how he draws the ire of the crowd to protect the other beta tasters, trying to become the target of their hate. We see how Mito at the same time shrinks back. (Her characterization is subtle but consistent.) We're seeing two different kinds of reactions to the same situation. Mito repeatedly doesn't speak out or help, she's afraid of the risk. Kirito seems to be more courageous than her on average, willing to protect others at great risk.

But if you have not read the novels, this scene is hard to understand. Even the viewers of the original anime series got a better insight into Kirito's motivations. In other words, their refusal to explain and show Kirito's inner thoughts, even through "mind dialogue" (never employed in this movie), makes the scene almost nonsensical on its own. We get a hint in hindsight from Asuna's flashback - but it's very little to go on.

The final fumble is are a few lines of dialogue from Asuna. I can only quote the English subs: "I'm going after him. I've found it. How I'm going to live in this world... It's where he goes. So I'm going to move forward." This wasn't said in the novel. She told Kirito in both movie and novel that she would keep her motivation a secret. Not much of a secret for the viewer, huh? The Asuna of the novel is the one deciding to team up with Kirito (in Rondo of a Fragile Blade), but she never breaks the ambivalence surrounding it. So this is a very uncharacteristic statement, possibly meant to tie her in with the Asuna from much later in Aincrad continuity.

Also, Argo was almost written out. The Rat is stealthy, but if there's no space for such a great character, why is there space for Mito?

Asuna Uncaped

Ah yes, and Asuna doesn't put her cape back on in the end. Her capes and hoods express something about her, a hiding away from the world, a shell that she withdraws into. It's a symbolic expression of her relationship to the world in general. Asuna takes a series of novels to come out of her shell enough to not hide under the cape, or at least underneath the hood. Here that transformation happens on short notice. Cape on is after Mito leaves - cape off is when she partners up with Kirito for good. (Also not in line with novels written a good deal before the movie.) It used to be an omnipresent reminder that tells us the difference between the Progressive Asuna and "Asuna the Flash", the person everyone in Aincrad knows, the person in the spotlight, the girl in the outfit that draws in stares. (The outfit designed by her guildmates to draw attention to their guild.) The cape lets us know that she's not there, yet, not practically a super-heroine. She veils herself. It could even be construed that she hides at times from a wider world at the side of Kirito. It marks the Asuna of the Progressive novels as a different person than the Asuna from the main series.

The Progressive novels do Asuna justice, but very little of that Asuna gets expressed here. There's a good reason why Kawahara started at Asuna's low point. Because then he gets time to actually lure her out. In true Kawahara fashion, very little happens that we can show on the screen. But the characters would be front and center in the novel.

We have very little to go on to know what motivates Asuna in the movie - in a movie where she is the protagonist! It was good to see her more, but since we had often to see her with Mito for that, we get two disjointed Asuna's not coming together, two scenes of Kirito saving Asuna, two character arcs potentially written by different people. Couldn't they just have written it so Asuna escapes the Nepenthes alone? It's hard to feel alone and betrayed when a kind stranger steps in, saves your life, and offers all kind of help after - none of which is even remotely what you can expect in Aincrad. It helps characterize Kirito but messes with Asuna's arc. We don't get a sense of the Asuna that reverses track - or rather we see an Asuna that immediately reverses track all the way in one go.

Similarly, the throw-away line "He's so powerful." during the boss fight. So, is that what motivates Asuna to follow Kirito? Does she find that... attractive? The original Asuna was one of the most powerful gamers in all Aincrad, which might have made Kirito stand out as somebody who can best her. She at least gushes about that in SAO Vol. 2 - Aincrad. Maybe that makes sense. In that original scene she was just lovestruck girl, gushing to a friend, trying to summarize her feelings in a few sentences, describing somebody her friend never met. But are we meant to think that this has meaning for Asuna here, in this movie? What does it say about a person that she is not impressed with a person who saves her life, who is noble and takes on risks to protect others, but to remark in an admiring tone that he's powerful? That line did quite a bit of harm in its own right.

I can't truly fault the makers of this movie (I have no idea how much exactly Kawahara was involved) for introducing yet another character for it. This is what Kawahara after all does. He rarely portrays one character alone for long. He loves (and excels at) portraying interactions between multiple characters. There are flaws in execution - Misumi being over-the-top good in the real world, all of the above for Aincrad - but at the core the movie works. It's a bit disappointing if you love the books, but you can watch it.

It just breaks Asuna a bit more to achieve this goal.

[fumblingmusings]

does Eirian ever want to be a mother? and only says no so it wouldn't cause more conflict between her and Evelyn?

I think Ireland and maternity is a tragic topic which is really really hard to talk about. 'Normally' I would say it would never be something that she desperately wanted, not the way Evelyn does.

But.

Bodily autonomy is hugely important to the way I think about a female Ireland. She gets jack shit in terms of it. She is dragged around, forced into situations where, win or lose, she will be depicted as the bad guy, or even inaction or neutrality - to this day even - is viewed so suspiciously by the UK.

And not just on a state to state level, Ireland's relationship with the church can and has led to some very horrible parts of their history that they are still dealing with. This is - to risk being crude - such a hornet's nest that I am not going to touch in any fic because it just is not appropriate and I am not a good enough writer to talk about it. But at the same time, I also can't pretend that institutions like the Magdalene Laundries and the Mother and Baby Homes have not had a massive impact on Irish society, and its relationship to women and their own bodies. Especially in comparison to the way that canon Male Ireland would never even dream of contemplating.

England - female England - had the social status, her brothers, and the state ensuring that suitable lies were made to ensure that the children (the children that, I do want to emphasise, she stole from their homes) were allowed to stay with her. Meanwhile Ireland is undergoing an entrenched system where babies were forcibly removed from their mothers if they were considered 'unsuitable' (or simply women in general, child or no child). This is not to say this didn't happen in England - it absolutely did (the laundries were an English idea after all), but I don't think I could write about Ireland's relationship with motherhood without addressing that elephant in the room first.

Meanwhile, England is England, and sits several rungs higher than Ireland in the social sphere of Empire.

Back before I wrote the fic I spoke a little about this where Evelyn is someone who conforms by her very nature, and that includes conforming to gender roles. Because she does this, she is able to get away with a type of violence that is sanctioned by the state, and worst of all she refuses to acknowledge it as such.

Ireland is contrarian because its the only way she can retain any sense of autonomy. No, she won't play at being Anglo-Irish like Wellington and Castlereagh and Canning and Guinness to get that power and stability. That's not how she wants to play the game. She has her principles, and no she will never judge or be cruel to someone until they slight her first, but this does mean it's easier to lock her out of important conversations.

This means she is super careful about who she let's in to be vulnerable with, and this includes the kids, because she knows, at the end of the day, they will pick England every time. Their affection for her and vice versa only goes so far. Erin I think sometimes falls into the us vs them trap, and at times can be in a sort of 'if you aren't on my side the entire way I don't want anything to do with you', which means she can be difficult and isn't very good at holding on to all kinds of relationships. This means she can be really hot and cold towards the kids, which is in contrast to Evelyn's - for all her (horrific) faults - unconditional affection. It's one hundred percent understandable why Erin walks through the world this way, honestly how could she act in any other manner, but it makes her easier to isolate. It starts a cycle thereafter.

I think, therefore, your question is not easily answered, at least for me. It requires so much nuance and care. Ireland and maternity is such a loaded topic, and I hate to use that term but I am failing to come up with anything else. It's almost as though what she wants on the matter... doesn't matter.

I think, say if it were a human au, she would not be fussed one way or another. If it happens it happens and she'll be the cheeriest, warmest mother with a slightly too sensitive temper; if it never happens she's quite content to be that cool aunt on the side. Either or, so long as she is not completely locked out of having a connection with children.

As nations, it is not that simple.

[auspicetaker]

hi tumlr

my queue ran out and i’ve been too busy playing TotK to update it. i’ve been doing some personal writing today that’s probably not interesting to anyone else, but i’m putting it under the cut if you’re interested in reading me complaining about all my life problems and not doing anything to solve them.

5/31/2023

What’s my problem? Well…

… I’ve been bleeding continuously for months, maybe years. I’ve lost track. I’m on hormonal birth control to manage my brutal PMS symptoms (debilitating cramps, migraines so bad I can’t stand up, hellacious mood swings) but now I’m just on a low-grade period forever. Not sure what’s worse - the whiplash of the highs and lows of the natural cycle, or being stuck somewhere in the cycle eternally, not up or down, just blood and tissue leaking out of me day in and day out for months and months on end.

… I’ve been wishing to get on T for some time now. I want the facial and body hair, the husky voice, increased muscle mass, new stinky boy smells, a roughening of my too-delicate facial features. However, getting gender-affirming healthcare, even in a trans-friendly blue state like mine, is no small undertaking. Everywhere I’ve called is either not accepting new patients or has a prohibitively long waitlist. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few months, but since he’s just a straight-world endocrinologist, not someone specialized in these things, I am extremely apprehensive he’ll just shut me down. It’s happened before. The T feels like a new avenue to pursue to deal with my endless, miserable bleeding, some different exogenous hormones instead of the estrogen I’ve been taking. It feels like a small glimmer of hope, so obviously I am already prepared to never get it, to have it be taken away if I do get it, or for it to not work out like I imagined. 

… My job is falling apart at the seams. My colleague who was my greatest support was taken away from me about a month ago, unceremoniously laid off due to financial issues (concerning) and I’ve been floundering ever since. I made so much progress with my self-loathing and avoidance around work stuff, and it feels like I’ve taken eight steps back. No, not even that I took the eight steps myself, it’s like I was picked up by a giant claw and thrown all the way back to a more dysfunctional self. I had something good going, it felt tolerable, and now I am floundering, trapped with my stupid boss on his sinking ship. 

… I need to work on my resumé, apply to other stuff. I have always hated job hunting. It is a particularly odious form of the sort of normal-person lying and deception that is necessary for survival in our society. Creating a version of myself that’s palatable to prospective employers, then scraping, bowing, and doing little dances to try and get their approval or consideration… it makes me sick. Part of what was so great about getting this job was that I don’t even think I ever gave my boss a resumé. He already knew me and I was able to just use that goodwill and prior record to pirouette into this current role. Which in retrospect may have been kind of a red flag.

… My mental health has taken a bit of a nosedive in these past few months. Part of it is that I’m tapering off of the antidepressants that I’d been taking for my entire adult life. I was doing okay, but there’s been a few stumbling blocks in a row and things are tough, now. Things I thought I was doing better with (self harm and suicidal ideation) are back in a big way. I’ve accepted that I’ll struggle for a while, maybe forever, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for the return of my full range of emotions. Long-term SSRI use leaves you in a state of not-depression but also not-happiness. You don’t experience pleasure so much as you experience the absence of pain. For me, at least, I also experienced a profound dulling of what little creative impulses I had. On that front, tapering down SSRI’s has been revelatory - I feel like I’ve unlocked a long-buried self who desires to write and make art, who has aesthetic visions and preferences. I’m collaging again, making art in my journal, learning to make digital art on a tablet, creating wall collages in my room. It doesn’t feel like something new, it feels like something very old that I lost and am finally returning to. All this to say that I’ll take an uptick in my brain screaming for blood and death (god knows I experienced that already on my full dose of SSRI’s) to get a shred of that old self back, to feel the joy and thrill of creation again. 

… Speaking of aesthetics, I’m so fucking sick and tired of all my clothes. I want something new but I don’t know exactly what. I’m tired of the black-and-green color scheme I’ve been rocking for the past 5 years. I’m tired of the skinny leg silhouettes and the too-small band tees. Again, I don’t know what I’d replace this all with. Shopping takes time and money, and I have little of either. In-person shopping is a sensorily draining and overwhelming experience, and online shopping leaves me either paralyzed with indecision or, worse, pulling the trigger impulsively and then wracked with regret. I have made a few stabs here and there towards a new personal aesthetic, getting colorful, oversized new button-down shirts, for example, but it’s slow going, and in the meantime I’m left with what I already have. And I’m so, so sick of it all.

… My house and my room are in a state of flux. My roommate is moving out, and my girlfriend is moving in. I’m sad to leave my roommate (nine years cohabitating!), apprehensive of change, but mostly excited. It’ll be incredible to have my girlfriend by my side all the time. That’s a dream. There are many, many nasty and frustrating corners of my room I keep saying I’ll deal with, and the clock is running out. My closet is a mess, my storage areas are inefficient and cluttered, and I simply cannot seem to get it together enough to do anything about any of it. Additionally, I decided I’d redo the peeling bathroom paint myself, even though we’re renting and it should be my landlord’s job, and it’s taking forever. I have very limited time and resources to deal with the many stages of scraping, stripping, sanding, spackling, priming, and repainting. The bathroom is currently in the “scraped and stripped” stage, but not yet in the “sanded, spackled, primed, and painted” stage, and it looks absolutely terrible. I feel stupid, panicked, overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’ve painted myself (ha ha)  into a corner and I just have to keep going, despite the fact that I never want to look at the fucking bathroom ever again, at this point. 

… There are other things that are necessary to my survival and health that I’ve been avoiding dealing with, or just haven’t had the resources to deal with. I’ve needed new glasses for months now but can’t seem to make myself do anything about it. It takes a Herculean effort just to go to work, cook food, do the dishes, and do my laundry, so higher-level tasks like “writing a resume” or “shopping for new jeans” or “making a necessary medical appointment” just keep getting pushed off for later. And later never comes. 

[hellsvestibule]

I was like drawing a comic where fgos Nikitich and Lancelot talk bc they have so so much in common but amidst it I realized what the whole bit w Koyanskaya is actually about, a repudiation of Ilya muromets and his son, which fgo also reflected elements of into Lancelot’s narrative (w the gender thing but potentially the implications he thinks his boy-kid is coming to kill him while the girl version warms up to him faster. Itself a bit inaccurate to Galahad who actually like, in the version of his story I read, never hates Lancelot, just sort of passively wants him to be better and stop trying to kill him) . Like. Bringing it back to ilya muromets In the version of the tale where Ilya’s bastard is a boy, he rips his arms and legs off, bc the kid was born with his fathers super strength but he’s evil and a bastard so his good natured father can’t rationalize letting him exist bc he killed his own mother and tried to kill his father in his sleep so he’s unsuited to have this crushing godlike power, however there is a later version of the tale where the son is changed to a daughter, and Ilya spares her, bc the daughter did not kill her mother. Which imo fate would interpret as resulting from a wish of Ilya that his son would be born a girl in the next life so even if nothing else changes there would be a shortcut to sparing his lover and child which doesn’t require him to have to physically step into the role of family man bc he’s can’t, he’s a bogatyr before a person and already resigned to the fact that the narrative would separate them anyway, this is as dobrynyas profile says of dobrynya, ilya physically cannot raise his child bc the narrative says so, all he can do is double down on this tiny pinch of the narrative taking for granted that it changes nothing but the gender of his kid. However nikitich, who from what I remember doesn’t even have such a child in their original narrative, is given one in the form of Koyanskaya, and -she- is a disrespectful bastard who might have killed her own mother had we not been there to intervene. So the story is basically slapping this speculative Ilya w a big ol “lol you really think a woman can’t be as much of a misogynistic bastard when raised in the exact same circumstances get real” thus not-dobrynya stepping into the role, aiding us in killing her evil bastard child but as an extension of a narrative where they can be reunited after and develop a real bond, instead of just. Giving up on her, instead praying for her resurrection as a better person, while fully committing herself to this fatherly role despite her profile outright saying “dobrynya cannot raise his kid” well good thing she’s not him, it’s pretty interesting as a paralel, despite everything else about this reveal being messy.the main problem is it’s shouting in the face of a narrative very few people will consciously understand bc it’s implicit rather than outright. Ilya muromets isn’t in fate yet the closest thing we have is Illyasviel who as of fgo already disregards a lot of the parts of the narrative trapping where her name was meaningful. So having a huge chunk of dobrynyas narrative be more about shouting at Ilya’s narrative is. Idk. My guess from the start is they would treat the bogatyr like a matroshka where each story contains the other stories including the overarching fate narrative which takes a lot of inspiration from these tales including the aforementioned naming one of its heroines after ilya and having her have like a massive murdergod big brother. Fate wants to fix the central failings of the narrative so shows that dobrynya cuts past one of Ilya’s failings and embraces their disrespectful monster girlboss bastard but I still can’t 100% rationalize why it was done w Koyanskaya in particular