#and me telling people to call me a different name and having completely separate identities that others notice. and i cant remember

[strawbrains]

Why do so many psychiatrists love to gaslight. Okay, Hannibal Lecture.

If I had a nickel for every time a psychiatrist straight up told me lies I would have too fucking many and that's a problem.

[20001541]

Something I find extremely fascinating about AFO but never see a lot of people talk about is how he is content with letting his original body die and letting his vestige take over for him.

The story explicitly tells us that quirk vestiges aren't something like souls, while they have the same look, personality and memories they're actually separate entities from the person they are apart of and whatever happens to the vestige the person they belong to has no recollection or awareness of it. (though AFO's case here is special as Ujiko's modification to Tomura does make him aware of what AFOmura is doing, but it's still a different entity than him)

So I find it intriguing how AFO is willing to literally let himself die as long as the vestige can live on. He calls his own body useless and constantly talks about how superior his new body will be even though it'll be his vestige that lives inside of it not the actual him. With how much time he spent with Ujiko and learning from him about the way quirks work you think that he would hesitate about the entire matter as if his original body dies then he dies a long with it. His vestige isn't his soul so his true self would not live on. If you believe the characters in that world have souls then essentially he'll be in the afterlife as his vestige lives on and completes his work.

I think it says a lot in how he views himself in relation to his quirk. He only ever goes by the name All For One, which is what he also names his quirk. I think he sees his quirk as something so deeply intermingled with his identity that the thought of his actual body dying doesn't bother him. So he's fine with his quirk vestige living on as his own body withers away because views it as part of his truest self. So it doesn't matter if he dies as long as this part he views as his authentic self is able to keep on living in the world and makes his dreams come true then he's fine with it

Don't know if this made sense, maybe someone else can explain this better or correct me, but it's such a perplexing and yet fascinating aspect of his character. Honestly, I don't even think I fully understand how quirk vestiges work completely because it can be confusing at times.

[arobotjester]

I am going insane over a discussion about Cyn and Absolute Solver. It makes me SO mad to discuss but I love discussing Murder Drones and Cyn / Absolute Solver.

LONG POST

Not sure why it makes me so mad.. maybe because I want her to a villain that is the Solver (this big, scary eldritch program) rather simply a power crazy violent host? I'm not sure. maybe I also don't want to feel like a stupid idiot who doesn't know enough about her favorite character of all time for theorizing they're the same?

anyways the discussion is separate or the same

personally I believe they are the same. there was one a Cyn way back when but she's been gone main events of ep 5. the A.S needs a body to be able to do things and so it took hers. completely. Cyn's listed as the admin because she's the host it uses. OG Cyn is dead and gone we've never even met her besides seeing her discarded body that one time

"Tessa" says it took Cyn as a host then it took everything.

a lower level of Solver aka the nerfed bit controlled Eldritch J to repair her body, or try to. It's like a task running in the background

but also?? the narrative kind of tells us they're seperate based on what Nori says.

"Now the Solver's found its way back to finish the job. Whose its host?" and "The A.S needs host - destroy Cyn's heart"

but is Liam Vickers writing this as if certain characters only have certain knowledge or Nori just knows everything from her apparent research?

maybe it's meant to be ambiguous but at the same time it feels like it's meant to be not ambiguous and instead clearly laid out and that I'm just stupid

It's also possible it was a slow complete takeover of Cyn, where she was herself at first and now her body and her command/admin is being used. We simply do not know for 100% certain.

Cyn is never not even once written as Cyn in the captions. The captions are sometimes wrong but it's worth pointing out nonetheless.

It's like- ok maybe I can lay out my opinion better.

A.S took control over a terrified Cyn sometime before the main events of episode 5. It is a super computer/program, essentially, and can run multiple tasks at once. It uses Cyn's body to interact with the physical world. Cyn is just the preferred name and identity.

opinion lay out over

Then again, A.S may be the program that gave Cyn these powers.. but then it's not really a villain, is it? just a program to be used by Cyn who fills the role that is the Absolute Solver name so essentially she still is it.

Cyn's goal here on Copper-9. Is it to collect material for the A.S to consume or is she the one consuming it and the power consuming material brings (regeneration of limbs and healing is an example)?

J calls it Boss, which she also calls Cyn. Which is it? Do they both work for the Absolute Solver or does J work for Cyn, who is both?

Solver does not work the same for Doll and Uzi. The only difference between them and Cyn is drone pile Cyn AGREED to let the Solver in rather than she just inheriting it from a parent’s code, code which beforehand humans were actively trying to patch the Solver out of.

I need to one of these days just compile each and every reference of Cyn and A.S ever. I have their scenes and details in my brain but it would be easier to look at if I compiled them

If somebody wants to "argue" with me, please be nice about it and not condescending like how I see a lot of people being lol

[bg3-npc]

Wyllstarion concept I can’t stop thinking about so I’m making you all suffer with me.

Post-game get together, the scenario involves Astarion not ascending and Wyll keeping his pact with Mizora. Wyll can chose any endgame path, I personally imagine his Duke ending. The party went their separate ways after defeating The Absolute, and at least a year has passed. There’s the setup, here’s the concept causing me brain damage:

Wyll and Astarion reconnect in some way. Despite the dire circumstances, they enjoyed each other's company during their adventure. Astarion is recovering, enjoying his freedom while trying to figure out what ‘being good’ means to him. He’s experienced many things since the party's victory and seems to be steadily improving on all fronts. Wyll has been doing whatever duties come with his chosen title and doesn’t seem different. He almost seems entirely unchanged, but the more Astarion is around him he feels like something is off.

Astarion pays closer attention and notices small differences he hadn’t before. Wyll looks haggard, he fidgets and blinks constantly like he’s trying to keep himself awake all the time. He’ll lose focus and zone out so badly he won’t respond when Astarion calls his name. When Wyll doesn’t have a day full of tasks, he’s restless and almost seems to panic. He will return from missions more hurt than someone his skill level should. He struggles to concentrate during conversation, especially when it’s not centered around his responsibilities. Wyll also never drops his persona, even when the two are alone. He performs his part, but it seems more exaggerated and forced than when they first met. Whenever they’re together, Astarion never actually feels like “Wyll” is there.

A normal, everyday interaction provides an explanation for Wyll’s strange new presence. Someone starts calling Wyll’s name to get his attention. Astarion notices the person immediately, but Wyll doesn’t. After a few failed attempts, they call Wyll by his title. That method finally gets Wyll’s attention, and he’s seemingly oblivious to the previous attempts. Seeing this recurring phenomenon from a third-party perspective gives Astarion the insight he’d been missing.

Wyll reflexively, and almost exclusively, talks in the third person now. Only ever talking and presenting as his title. He will give his input on a matter, but only what’s necessary and doesn’t reveal anything about himself. He hasn’t formed any new connections or relationships since they departed, and any he has are friendly but essentially professional. Wyll is never off duty and ensures he always has some quest to complete. He’s never idle or relaxed, keeping his mind and body occupied at all times.

The issues that plagued Wyll before and during their party's journey never got resolved. He wasn’t managing well before, and by the end of everything his suffering had only increased. His situation has not improved since and the toll of everything that’s happened is becoming intolerable. Wyll refuses to acknowledge his pain but it’s overwhelming him nonetheless. He sees no end to his misery and feels helpless to stop it. In a desperate attempt to regain some feeling of control over his life, Wyll’s removed himself from it entirely. He doesn’t have to address what’s affecting his life if he’s not living it. Wyll’s abandoned his name and latched onto the identity of his title. The reason Astarion never feels like “Wyll” is with him is because he no longer sees himself as “Wyll”.

Astarion avoided asking Wyll about his pact with Mizora, but this breakthrough compels him to broach the subject. Wyll tells him he feels it’s best for everyone if he doesn’t break it, and he has resigned himself to a fate in the Hells. He truly believes it’s the right thing to do and disregards his feelings about it. He will do his duty to the people, and he will convince everyone he’s okay. He wants to convince himself he’s okay.

Wyll is doing all he can to avoid and deny any of his trauma, but his coping strategies aren't working. He's still doing heroics for the right reasons, but now they've also become a distraction. He’s even begun to use them as a form of self-harm, his reckless selflessness verging on suicidal. Ignoring the issue doesn’t resolve it, and Wyll is completely unaware he’s nearing a breaking point. Astarion has no idea what reaching it will do, but he refuses to let that happen. He cares for Wyll and dedicates himself to pulling his friend back from the edge. Astarion will help him regain his sense of self by any means necessary. Wyll is going to fight him the entire time, but Astarion has had 200 plus years to perfect stubbornness. Wyll has the capability to save his soul, save himself, but he needs someone to show him he’s worth saving.

Aaaaand from there the plot varies and mostly depends on how much suffering I want to put these two through. The amount of psychic damage I cause myself with this setup also varies day to day.

[funnier-as-a-system]

I couldn't think of any other blog to send this to so yeah- anyways I'm almost positive I have DID but my issue is when I do switch my alters are aware they're me, they do have completely different personalities, memories, etc but they don't call themselves their own names or anything, they recognize they're me and tell people they're me instead of themselves. I've never seen anyone talk about this so is this like a possibility for some systems?

Certainly, it's possible. Could be for a couple different reasons, but to me, it sounds like your alters don't have a very separate/individual identity from you, which isn't a bad thing. Not all systems have alters that are very distinct, or even if they are distinct, that enjoy showing and openly being distinct individuals. I typically see this in median systems, so I would recommend looking into that and seeing if any other common median experiences fit you.

More specifically, what this reminds me of is the concept of a "blanket self" or "core identity" in median systems. To be clear, I don't mean "core" as in "original person"; a blanket self/core identity is the shared identity or self that many median systems across all headmates. For example, if there's a median system with a blanket self named Jeff, then all of the alters in that median system would feel like Jeff, just in their own "style", so to speak. Like the same word in different fonts. Each of them are Jeff, but where one might be ~jeff~, another might be JEFF. Does that make sense?

[PT: Each of them are Jeff, but where one might be ~jeff~, another might be JEFF. / end PT]

You say you suspect DID, but this also sounds similar to OSDD-1A to me, which is a disorder much like DID, but without very distinct alters. Now, you don't have to suddenly switch your suspicions over to that – especially given that there isn't a differentiation made between DID and OSDD-1 in some places or diagnostics, and that even when the differentiation is made, it's a bit up to the individual clinician and/or patient exactly where the line is – but it's also something I would recommend looking into, if only to find others who may be able to relate to your experiences.

Hope this helps, anon! I know I probably said a lot more than you were expecting, so let me wrap this back around to your initial question – yes, this is a possibility for systems. And you may find it to be more common than you'd think!

[thebestusernamepossible]

I feel like the way we see ‘resets’ in Undertale and their relationship to the charaters is wrong. Here me out but; The resets aren’t ‘time travel’ at least not entirely. (And I feel the distinction is going to be important for Deltarune.)

For clarification when I say Reset I mean resetting your save file. Not the Save and Load function. I make this distinction because the save points in the game quite literally do save a point in time and allow you to travel back, which is just completely time-travel. But in this theory we are going to Discuss resets, and why I believe they don’t actually take you back in time- but to an alternate timeline. Hear me out- Every time you reset the game you are given a FUN value number. Most of you know this already, but for those who don’t a FUN value number is number from 1-100 that you get each new game.

Depending on your number you will get special ‘FUN events’ exclusive to that number. (The most famous example being the rare ‘Mystery Man’ who most people think is Gaster). This is Important because while it would make sense for these secret events to be ‘random chance Gaster easter eggs’ that’s not all they are.

But three FUN events in particular have no obvious lore relevance; Alphys calling for a Pizza, Sans Prank Calling you, and Nightmare Mode word search (Sans’s word search now has a snowman named nightmare).

The question is- why? None of those FUN events have any lore relevance or obvious connection to Gaster. I believe it’s because the Resets Bring you into a new Timeline, one where almost everything is the same except something small (like a phone-call or a word search illustration). And I’m not making this assumption without any evidence or precedent, this is actually something that happens in Deltarune too. Something not a lot of people know is that Between the three save files you are given in Deltarune there is a in-game difference- but it’s somthing small and unimportant, the items in Asreil’s Dresser. Small differences that don’t really affect the game, but indicate a difference. Sound familiar?

Deltarune has two more save files than Undertale, since game mechanics have a heavy metta narrative in these games it is easy to draw the conclusion that these are alternative timelines to eachother - (Which as I will explain soon aren’t a new concept in canon Undertale) how else would you justify three almost identical games happening at once in a world where the metta narrative of Save and Reset is important. Not only that, but before completing the first chapter doing certain actions in the Save menu will get you special dialogue from the menu guy.

All of these imply something happens to the people when you erase saves. And why would that matter if it simply took them back in time- because these are separate timelines. Honestly I shouldn’t have to make too much of an argument for Deltarune- since it’s literally an Alternate Undertale timeline CANONICALLY. ‘But that’s Deltarune what does this prove about Undertale Resets’ you ask. Well to answer that we have to talk about Sans, specifically his dialogue after you come back from him mercy-killing you.

Look at how he words that, don’t tell THE OTHER SANSES. This line is mostly ignored in the community (unless you like Sans AUs, then it’s mostly used for that) but that’s a pretty interesting thing to say. Because when you compare it to how Sans talks about ‘Timelines jumping left and right’, he probably means it literally. He literally means other timelines exist, and more-so we can go to them. (Since he believes we would be able to tell the other Sanses). I also think this explanation would help explain why Sans has ‘seen what comes next’, because it’s implied- if not outright stated- that Sans KNOWS what happens at the end of a Genocide run. Chara erases the world- somthing that we as the player can do in DELTARUNE that is implied to permanently get rid of the Timeline. But they bring it back right? So it’s all ok? No. Because if my Theory is correct it implies something BIG about the Genocide ERASE reset and the True reset. (I will from here-on be calling that type of reset a hard reset since no-one remembers anything.)

Think about this for a moment- why do we name the fallen Human every Hard Reset. Here’s a better question- why do we ONLY name Chara after a Hard reset. Because if you reset normally the game says ‘a name has already been chosen’, so why DO we get to choose a new name when a hard reset happens? Well I think the answer can be found in Frisk.

Ok to prove my next bit of evidence I need to explain myself. Frisk is their own character- they may not be much of one like Kris, but they are their own character. Examples; Frisk moves of their own accord multiple times (Lamp, Omega Flowey, Maybe Genocide if it’s not Chara), Telling Asriel their Name, Not having enough will to hurt unyne on the hang-out (if choosing to fight), Facial expressions (Sans tells us like a million examples during his fight). At the very least you can’t deny that Frisk told Asriel their name. So in some regard they are a character- Flowey even says this explicitly during his Post-Pacifist Dialogue.

This is confirmation that Frisk is a person outside of Player/Chara influence. But what this is also confirmation on is that Frisk is affected by OUR ability to reset. Not only that but because of many factors such as, Sans Judgments, Sans room Key test, Sans handshake, Sans fight, and telling Asgore he killed you, we can conclude that Frisk remembers Resets. Which should be obvious right? Except that after a hard reset Frisk DOESNT remember. They don’t do any of the thing indicating they do, and not even Sans seems to notice them acting like they know things beforehand. Why? Well maybe… it’s not the same frisk? And to answer my earlier questions maybe the fallen human we name isn’t the same one after a hard reset. We have reset/erased ALL timelines and have started anew.

I feel this will be important to Deltarune because Deltarune itself is an alternate timeline. Now I’m done with the theory for now but I feel like giving a bit of a prediction- I think Deltarunes ending won’t be an end. I believe Toby when he tells us Deltarune will have one ending. Because I think that after the game is completed, the save file will reset (an option not actually available in Deltarune) and we will be cast into another similar timeline to do it again.

This is the first theory I’ve made so any feedback welcome!! :-)

[codename-adler]

Hello, Andrew.

(If this isn’t Andrew then bug off. I’ll know.)

So. Hi. I’m Aaron Minyard. Your brother. Your twin brother, you know. Did you know? I didn’t know. That was some surprise. Good surprise, though. Only good. Promise.

I don’t know if you know how I found out? I was at the park, doing things, you know, doing my own thing, and some police prick kept yelling for me, only, by your name. He swore I was you. Officer Philip Higgins, at your service. Well not really, he was ready to drag me back to where you belong (I don’t know where that is). But you must know that. How he is, I mean. Not where you belong. Although you just might. I hope you know. You could help me out then.

But, uh, getting ahead of myself. Imagine I start asking you all sorts of philosophical questions and truths when we haven’t even met… Yikes… You’d probably tell me to fuck off, and I’d agree with you. So I’m not gonna do that. It’s not why I wanted to write to you anyway.

Brotherhood is what I wanted to write to you about. I woke up that day, never in a million years imagining I’d go to bed a brother. Like, I have a brother . You. You are my brother. My twin brother. And I’m yours. I don’t know who was born first (I was, I’m sure of it), but… Twins , Andrew! That’s wicked cool.

And not just that. We are IDENTICAL. ("Monozygotic" twins, it's called. Epic.) Even Higgins was fooled, and frankly astounded when he found me. His face! Although he must’ve thought the same thing about mine, and twice worse at that. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact. That there’s a whole other person, completely separate from me, that looks exactly like me nonetheless. It seems impossible. I guess it’ll only really sink in when we’ll see each other, right?

I wonder if you and I have the same teeth. Mine are alright, I think. Not exactly Colgate-worthy, but I’ve got all of them, in the right place, which is good enough for me. I never really paid attention, before. I've learned that teeth are often different, even if slightly, in sets of identical twins. I read about it in a textbook at the school library. When I found out, I mean. I don’t want you to think that I have a weird tooth fetish or something. I just really like biology.

There’s so much to a body that you don’t realize makes a body a person. How does my hair look on you? Or like, the other way around. Higgins said we have the same eyes. But to what extent? Where do yours end and mine begin? Is it in the shape? The color? The light’s reflection in them? The lashes, perhaps, or the eyebrows above? What about the eyebrows? Two bodies, side by side, exactly the same in every way, yet one is you, and one is me. Wow. It just… It never stops. My brain exploded just now. Again. Does yours do that too? Since you’ve known?

Like, imagine we have reverse parts! I mean, you know how my right half is your left, and your right half is my left? Maybe our moles are mirrored. That could be how people tell us apart. “Hey, there’s Aaron with the left-cheek mole! Not to be confused with Andrew, with the right-cheek mole!”, you know? Jeez, we can’t be that identical, can we?

Can we really?

I don't have much experience with twins. There were those Conway girls in 4th grade, not identical, just fraternal twins. They still looked a whole lot like each other. It's crazy to remember them, now. To think, that as I was fascinated by the pair of them, not only did I have my own other half, but you were so close. And I didn't even feel it. Is that bad? Is there something wrong with me? With... us? Do you think, because of what happened when we were born... because of Mom... our connection suffered? Don't tell her that. Please don't tell her that. But how? How could I not feel anything missing? I never knew, Andrew. Never once had an ounce of a doubt. No phantom limbs, no echo in my mind, no unexplainable pains nor random premonitions. You were never there. Even now, as I write to you, I really hope you'll be at the other end of my letter, because you still feel... void. Like this is all a joke my mind is playing on me. I hope you're really real. Not just a pipedream.

Maybe we can work on it. The twin "bond" thingy. Maybe you knew? Not, like, knew-knew, just... knew? Or maybe looking back on things now, you realize you knew? I'm trying to do that, to look for memories where there could have been something tipping me off, but I have a shit memory. It's so vague and fuzzy most of the time. Does that happen to you? So much for wanting to be a doctor...

So did you? Know?

I hope you did, in some kind of cosmic way, as they say. Because if you did, maybe the connection, our twin bond, isn't totally broken. We can get it back to full strength. 

If you'd like, that is.

Imagine the fucking bad luck of it all if we were those ill-fated twins of big stories, destined to be sworn enemies, and everything would have been fine if that damn policeman had just minded his own business! Ha! 

I haven't really talked about Mom or the family. I hope you're not expecting a dad, because I haven't got one of those for you. I'm sorry. I would have liked for you to have a dad. I mean, when they find your long-lost family, you hope for the whole package, right? So yeah, no dad. But we got an uncle and an aunt, and a cousin! I'll tell you about them if you want to. I'm just worried I'll scare you off if I start right away, on top of the mess I'm already telling you now. But we got time, right? I shouldn't feel rushed, I must remember that. We found each other and there's no way I'm letting go. And we'll meet soon, right? I know Mom refused the offer your foster mother gave us, but Mom doesn't have to know... Not immediately, at least. I mean, she did carry us for 9 months, but I also shared the womb with you from the beginning, so I don't know who's got priority over who... But I'm choosing to give it to you. 

I'll stop my nonsense here, now. I don't want you to start believing your newfound brother's a total nutcase. I'm not, promise. I hope you're doing okay on your end with everything that's been going on. Your foster mom seems nice. That's nice. So, yeah, again I'm really glad you're here now, and I'll be seeing you soon, yeah? Okay.

Bye now.

- Aaron

[nachosncheeze]

Blindspot Finale

Been meaning to post something like this for a while. Never got round to it. Now seems a good time.

BIG SPOILERS AHEAD. Like I will completely and utterly ruin the episode.

Disclaimers: Very Long Post. It's an opinion piece. This is all me; I have no issue with those who differ. 😊

~~~~~

Blindspot 5x11. It’s rough. I was heartbroken; literally felt like I’d been dumped, and it took me a while. The initial shock of the mere suggestion short-circuited my brain. But over time, and some re-watching, plus thinking about earlier parts of the show more carefully during our weekly re-watch, I came to one (for me) inescapable conclusion:

Whether you view the show as a series of parallels or as a palindrome, “Jane Doe, FBI” died in that square. Jane Doe, the grown woman who was once a child named Alice Kruger, did not.

On the parallels side: Every single season of this show started with Jane in some way lost and adrift without an identity, and part of the journey of every season was for her to find herself again. In season one this is obvious. Season two, she comes back a battered outcast and discovers her past, and has to learn to live with everything that entails. Season three, she comes back having “discovered parts of herself she didn’t realize she was missing,” and has to learn how to integrate who she now knows she is as an independent individual – a separate (and honestly rather chaotic) entity from the husband and family who initially made post-ZIP Jane Doe – with that inter-dependent life she had chosen for herself in seasons 1/2. At this midpoint, the tangram has effectively reopened, and she’s finding where she fits anew. Season four it’s obvious once again – she’s Remi, stuck in Jane's life. Season five, I would argue, is where she finds herself truly split between her past and her future. Here Jane Doe, FBI, the moral and law-abiding, law-enforcing citizen, watches her team blown up by a drone sent by a corrupt government - exactly the situation that made Remi *Remi*. And she’s now forced to call on all the skills and their accompanying memories of her terrorist past – the life she had relatively recently chosen to leave behind – to do the right thing and save the people she loves. Kurt says as much right at the start of the season when he asks her to take the lead – he acknowledges that once again she’s trying to “bring down the corrupt FBI” – and this is when she has to really learn to be both at the same time, and somehow find peace with that. You can see her struggle and thrash between “this is what I know to be necessary” and “this is what I’ve held to be right” throughout the season, but especially in 5x06 and 5x07. (To me she finally resolves this conflict the moment she tells Shepherd she doesn’t care in the midst of her 5x11 “ends and means” hallucination.)

You may get the sense this is the reading I lean towards xD To me, it stands to reason that we can interpret the “death” at the end of 5x11 as a symbolic reset on her identity like she had at the end of every other season, and a literal near-miss, not unlike what she suffered at Keaton’s hands in 2x01 and at Madeline’s hands in 4x22.

On the palindrome side: Death might seem a fitting narrative end to the character, because it’s practically impossible (for me at least) to imagine how this woman could possibly claw her way back to happiness after all of this. But was she happy when we first met her? And who was Jane Doe, before she was Jane Doe? She was somebody before she was “born” from that bag. If the series is a palindrome, we could frame it that Remi “died” and was placed in a bag, only to be reborn from the same bag as someone else. I submit that this woman, on the whole, is only as dead as Remi was when she went into the duffel.

Imo there’s a lot of support right there in the episode for either of these readings. Right from the opening credits, they tell us visually that however you read it we’re going back to the beginning: the number 100 is flipped to 001. The episode is loaded with visual, dialogue, and thematic parallels, especially to 1x01. (I don’t believe it’s an accident that the parallel in the interrogation room to 1x01, 2x01, 3x01, and Jane’s dream in 4x09 is placed after the scene in Times Square. Although they don’t reveal the body bag until later, each of those callbacks represent moments when Jane had to start her life anew, with Weller finding her and effectively saying, “I know you’re lost. We’ll do this together.”) A major theme throughout the episode is Jane’s fear of what’s next. As the mission begins, they’re told in no uncertain terms that whatever the outcome, not only are they out of the FBI, but they will never again be allowed to work for any branch of the US government. That’s every version of law enforcement. That’s every branch of the military. That’s every legal outlet for not only everything this adult woman knows how to do, it’s the end of every life she has ever known. Alice Kruger was at most 12 or 13 years old when her parents were murdered. Whether she’s Jane Doe or Remi Briggs or some amalgamation of the two, this is a woman who literally does not know how to be a grown-up civilian. She must be terrified! The end of “Jane Doe, FBI” can only give way to her most difficult rebirth since that night when a stranger walked her past her mum and dad, lying in pools of their own blood. And as we know, that’s saying something.

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve – or, in my opinion, get – the chance to try.

A few other notes: Martin Gero himself said that dead or alive, both readings are correct. So take it as you will. Applying the bias of my own read on things, I think he was being cheeky – not “whether you think she’s dead or whether you think she’s alive, you’re right,” but literally, “whatever you think you are right, because she is both dead and alive.” It needn't be a binary. Like so many things, from the show's title on down, it's two things at once.

The last shot: One of the things that most gave me pause and did/continues to make me sad is that last visual of Jane. She says, “Yeah, I’m good,” but she sure doesn’t look convinced. Initially, my brain took that as, “Oh my god, she’s dead, it’s like ‘Keaton’ said, this is just her brain trying to give her a happy ending; she’s ‘good’ that she finished the job, but she’s realized that this is all a hallucination.” Now? Well, I’m still sad about it, because although I firmly believe she’s physically alive and that the dinner is real, I see a woman who's lost in this domestic “bliss”. Everyone was worried for Weller losing the job he loves, but he told us all the way back in 1x21 that he had another dream: big backyard, lots of little kids; he just thought it was out of his reach because it wasn't compatible with his job. He lost the job, but he's got his happy ending: that Colorado house, that Thanksgiving table, are in every sense Weller's dream, right down to the shade of paint on the walls (all non-toxic; he likes the yellow). Jane is still mourning for the person she had become, the person she wanted to be. She’s alive, but she’s only about as happy as she was in 1x01, because she doesn’t know who she is or where she fits. Geez, talk about bittersweet.

The episode title: Iunne(n) was a verb in Middle English, meaning “to grant” or “to bestow”. (Written English was not standardized back then to the extent it is now, and the third ‘n’ was sometimes dropped, hence my parentheses.) This is not the first episode title to be a palindrome (see second half of season 2), but if Iunne is NOT meant to be that obsolete verb, it’s the first title that has included a complete gibberish nonsense combo of letters. If it was intentional, then the title of the episode loosely translates as, “To bestow ennui [a sense of listlessness, boredom, dissatisfaction with the state of things, etc.]” This would be a classic Blindspot double-meaning: Jane experiences ennui in her new, quiet life; and what the hell are you viewers gonna do with your Thursday nights now?! Thanks a lot, writers’ room. -_- Cheeky bastards strike again.

One last from Martin Gero: There was an interview somewhere where he said that whichever interpretation people subscribe to, the writers wanted to leave the viewer with a sense that the story of the FBI era of the team’s lives was closed, leaving room for new chapters. Some others on here (apologies as I can’t remember who off the top of my head) pointed out back in 2020 when this was fresh, that if we interpret Jane as being literally, physically, irrevocably dead, then the dinner scene really is a hallucination – meaning we were never really given an end to any of the rest of the team’s stories. Unless you want to believe that Rich and Patterson ended in a hallway toasting over Reade and Mayfair, and Tasha and Weller ended, crying and screaming in disbelief respectively, over a corpse. (Or alternately, if she died in 5x10 and the entirety of 5x11 is a hallucination, the rest of the team’s endings would be where we left them in that episode.) I personally don’t think even this writer’s room could be quite that cruel. :P To the viewers, or to their own creations. (fwiw, MG also noted in the same interview that he would watch spinoffs of Rich and Patterson, or even a family drama starring Kurt and Jane.)

There are of course various hints that support the Irrevocably Dead interpretation, too – Boston having all of his fingers comes to mind – and despite my complete aversion to accepting that outcome (ngl, taking that on board would be bad for my mental health lol), I’m happy enough with my interpretation to also be happy to chat with anyone about the alternatives and the supporting evidence that most days I choose to willfully ignore. \😁/

At the risk of self-plugging, I’m about 24k words deep in a canon-compliant 5x11 WIP that fills in some blanks and brings the parallel/palindromic “Still Alive” scenario to a stronger conclusion. I’ve called it The Antidote both because in it, she does get the antidote “just in time” and it works, and also because it’s proven to be the antidote to my own conflicted feelings about the way the show ended. I’m hoping to have that done and posted [ideally long] before we get there in re-watch, but if anyone wants to chat on that or hear about some of the ways my head has canoned its way out of tragedy hit me up. 😊 I’ve also written several little epilogues set in the first 18 months or so post-series around Jane starting to claw her way back from that ennui and figure out how to find contentment outside a constant state of war. Haven’t printed them yet because I think without the other they don’t make much sense XD but I’m happy to chat about the general arc I see for that, too, if anyone wants to hear about it, and of course I like hearing what others have in mind after the series!

There's a few really good finale/post-finale fics out there already, especially on ffn, and they're always fun. (Except for that one. That very short one. I'm not calling you by name but you know who you are. And I know you hate it too so I forgive 😘😘😘)

There's a ton of really well thought out posts, links to interviews from July/August 2020 and beyond too but I'm afraid I don't have the list to hand; I was meaning to re-compile it eventually anyway (I did bookmark several for my fic research/inspo) so if there's interest I'll try to get on that and add it.

Lastly, shout out to @guadalajara92 for her infamous make-it-better alternative ending edit which really, truly was a comfort for washing that shit right out of my hair in those first post-5x11 hours:

and her now-legendary fan-trailer for "Newton", the spin off into a series of primetime adventures that we really, sadly never got to see (double shout out for cleverly making it compatible with either interpretation* xD):

*but with a cheeky lil blink and you miss it elevator shot that however you wanna take it, also made me feel better 🙊

[redjadethewriter]

I Think Aylin Is Neurodivergent In The Thai GL Series "23.5"

I solemnly admit, I’m a Thai GL Junkie.

There’s no hope for reform any time soon or even in the future.

Just the other day, I decided why not, let me watch the series “23.5” and oh my…I was not disappointed. The romantic comedy thawed a little more of my icy heart with its fluffy approach to girl love. The story focuses mostly on Ongsa and Sun, but there are other characters as well that get a bit of tender care as well. Plot: Ongsa’s high school life takes an unexpected turn when she casually tells her adorable and lively classmate, Sun, to have “sweet dreams” using her Instagram name, Earth. However, because of the masculine connotation of the name, Sun mistakenly assumes she’s conversing with a boy. Despite this misunderstanding, Ongsa is determined not to lose the chance to communicate with Sun. She keeps her true identity as Earth a secret and continues messaging with Sun. Apart from Ongsa’s and Sun’s love story, there is another compelling narrative in the series involving Aylin, an alien enthusiast, and Luna, a senior who also runs the Astronomy club. Throughout the series, Luna takes the initiative to befriend Aylin and encourages her to join the club, helping her break out of her shell and become more social. Initially, Aylin was isolated, always having lunch alone on the rooftop and constantly trying to contact aliens. However, thanks to Luna’s efforts, Aylin develops a fondness for her, and their feelings for each other are mutual. Therefore, while Ongsa and Sun have a captivating story, Aylin and Luna’s story in the series is equally compelling.

Firstly, I need to point out something that I don’t think viewers have caught on to yet. Aylin, in my honest opinion, is portrayed as neuro-divergent, specifically on the autistic spectrum, particularly in relation to girls. I don’t believe it was intentional. Perhaps the writers were aiming to portray an awkward girl who is simply obsessed with aliens. However, her obsession with aliens aligns with what we would call a special interest within the diverse spectrum.

Aylin doesn’t refer to people by their names; instead, she simply calls them “humans.” In fact, she doesn’t even consider herself to be human. This self-perception as being separate from society is another indicator that she recognizes her differences from neurotypical individuals. Throughout the show, we witness Aylin being bullied by her peers from day one, solely because of her fascination with aliens. They refer to her as “Alien” rather than using her real name. Aylin’s speech is often monotonous, and she displays minimal emotional reactions. She doesn’t smile frequently, struggles to understand social cues, and tends to blurt out things that neurotypical individuals typically wouldn’t say aloud.

While watching each episode, I completely forgot that Aylin could possibly be Autistic, as there were already other storylines involving Sun and Ongsa. However, now I’m strongly considering that possibility. Aylin resonated with me in so many ways, and when she first appeared on the show, I immediately felt a connection to her character. At the time, I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. It’s clear that Aylin was created to provide exaggerated relief to this romantic comedy, but I felt that her character was more well-developed with a unique persona that made me root for her, especially as she started to grow closer to Luna.

From the beginning, it was evident that Aylin struggled to connect with others, but when she did speak up, her insights were profound. She wanted Ongsa to be honest and more assertive, even though she faced her own difficulties expressing herself to those she liked. She maintained a colder demeanor towards people she wasn’t close to, but as the series progressed, she became warmer towards Luna. This makes it even sadder when I realize how much Luna tries to change Aylin too quickly, urging her to socialize more and pushing her to respond in a way that she deems appropriate for her peers.

Despite their confession of mutual feelings and Luna’s expressed interest in Aylin and their shared interests, it seems that Luna hasn’t fully accepted Aylin and is intent on fixing the aspects she dislikes about her. So, when Aylin removed Luna’s hand from her arm and walked away saying nothing else, it was clear that all the pushing to socialize and change deeply hurt her. I can imagine that Aylin feels like Luna doesn’t truly embrace every aspect of her, and that can be incredibly painful, to not feel accepted.

There were various indicators that led me to believe that she may be autistic, aside from the obvious signs that some people might find unusual but are actually not. One subtle indicator I observed was her ability to quickly learn new things. She grasped astrology rapidly and became quite knowledgeable. However, it’s important to note that not everyone on the autistic or neuro-diverse spectrum possesses this information-absorbing gift. It varies from individual to individual, which is why it’s referred to as a spectrum. No two people are the same, and it’s never a linear experience.

Despite my own lack of certain traits, I am actually quite sociable. However, I do have a tendency to speak my mind, sometimes inappropriately. Nevertheless, as I’ve grown older, I have developed coping mechanisms and created masks and scripts to navigate through life. When interacting with others, I often find myself asking, “Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear or what you need to hear?” This is especially true when someone seeks my opinion or advice on something.

Returning to Aylin, I couldn’t help but notice how overwhelmed she became when Ton exceeded the boundaries of her personal space. He persistently pushed her to respond to his so-called charm. That’s why I felt her reaction of shoving the food plate in his face was completely justified. In fact, I would have done the same, if not worse. Personally, I feel extremely uncomfortable and tense when people invade my personal space without permission. I have a strong aversion to being touched. However, because of my cultural background of being touchy-huggy people, I’ve had to learn to tolerate it. So, I can only imagine how Aylin must have felt.

I thought it was a significant step for Aylin when she agreed to accept a kiss on the cheek from Luna. Her reaction was perfect - she appeared shocked and quickly backed away. However, there was a slight smirk on her face, suggesting that she may have actually enjoyed it. I believe that if they ever have their first actual kiss, especially after Luna’s tendency to be overly involved, it will be a monumental moment for Aylin. Personally, it would be the end of me, as I can only imagine how transformative and significant that step would be for her.

In any case, with that being said, this blog comes to an end. It’s clear that Aylin possesses distinct traits that place her on the autistic spectrum. I am confident that other viewers have already noticed or will soon notice the portrayal of a queer woman character who also represents ASD/Neurodivergent individuals.

[1u11ablues]

Think With Your Heart, Feel With Your Brain (OC x Bucky)

Summary:Lilith was born inheriting her parents' powers:telekinesis. Though that was not the only thing she inherited. It seemed all her persistent obsessions, tendency to panic under overstimulation, and confusion separating romantic and platonic feelings were also somehow, passed down to her. Follow Lilith as she tries to learn her way through her powers-and her feelings.

or

Just a character and relationship study of autistic OC/Bucky/Steve based on rampant daydreams.

Warning: No warning, just some secondhand embarrassment. WC:800+

Chapter 1: Introduction

The fact is, New York is just too full of superheroes. Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, and whatever else she never could remember. And one thing they do best is being loud. Which, coincidentally, is also the one thing Lilith hates the most. Well, aside from microfiber cloths and overhead lights. Actually, it’s better not to start. The list goes on and on.

People often tell her that without them, there would be no one to help with alien invasions and shit. But the same people also bemoan their wrecked cars and ruined home. 

Unfortunately, she's not in the place to have such an opinion. Having two superpowered parents means, well, she inherits the power. For all she knows, she could live a completely different path right now if the right people discovered her. But she wasn’t, and that’s fine. She's not bitter about it or anything. She's been living the good life as a magician at birthday parties, specialising in making things float in the air. It’s not the most prosperous job out there, but it’s nice that she can set her own time and don’t have to bother with putting on the happy mask, which is why she chose to be a magician instead of a clown. People think an unsmiling magician is mysterious, can’t say the same about clowns, though.

She's in no position to do the honourable thing to hide her identity when she’re barely making rent. If she can use her powers to pay her bills, then why won’t she? Who’s going to stop her, anyway? It’s not like she was out here hurting anyone, so honestly people can go f—

She watches as a kid rammed into a tower of stacked can, causing it to collapse right in front of her. This is normally why they advise against zoning out in public. Before the cans could bury her under, she conjured an invisible shield around her, causing the cans to bounce off her instead.

“You okay?” A deep voice spoke besides her. She turned to look at him, removing her headphones to hear him better, but when she got a glimpse of a metal arm, her eyes snapped to the owner’s face to confirm her suspicion. It’s one of them. Well, if anything, it just confirms her initial statement. Although it’s hard to find it in her to resent this man. From what she saw of him, he was genetically blessed. 

“I’m okay,” she assured him, right before she took a step back, slipping over the cans, causing her to fall flat on her back. She has no idea which is worse, the pain or the embarrassment of having that witnessed. Until Mr. Superhero started laughing. Embarrassment, it is.

“Here, let me help you.” He said after he finished, pulling her up by the waist. 

“Thanks.” she muttered, now averting his gaze completely, confident that her heated cheeks meant she was now blushing. Time to change the topic.

“You’re…” she started, pointing at him, trying to remember his name. She was sure that he was the Winter Soldier before, but she doesn't know what he calls himself these days.

“James Barnes,” he offered her a handshake, which she took. But she can’t tear her eyes away from his metal arm, and she realises after that she probably looked like the biggest creep in town, staring at him like that.

“Sorry,” she started, looking down, to his side, his chest, hell, anywhere besides the arm and his face. “It’s just… it looks cool.”

He waves his hands. “You can stare however long you want to. I don’t mind.” Her eyebrows knit, trying to decipher if that was considered flirting or just a good-natured joke. She decides it’s the latter and gives him a smile.

“Thanks again.” She says before pushing her cart to leave the crime scene.

“Oh, and thanks for saving the world and stuff.” She adds, thinking about saying “thanks for her service”, but decides that’s enough of embarrassing herself today.

A/N: This was just for fun. Will be multi-chaptered. Should I make this a BuckyxReader or BuckyxReaderxSteve? Also, if anyone has any scene/dialogue/prompt that will fit, I am always open to explore them.

[ohc-and-the-music-tapes-archive]

Article about Marshmallow Coast and interview with Andy Gonzales in Flagpole, 14 April 2004  

[source]

transcript:

The Reluctance of being earnest Marshmallow Coast's Andy Gonzales moves towards a sharper picture of himself Andy Gonzales is looking to define himself, and he's been doing it for a while. To be more specific, he's looking to have his Marshmallow Coast identity and music exist outside the realm of his more acclaimed association. In fact, when I call to ask him about the recording of his recent album Antistar, he brings up Of Montreal right off the bat and without any prompting. 

"We recorded [Antistar] with Jason NeSmith at Bel Air Studios," says Gonzales, "and it basically... well. I felt like I needed to record an album completely disassociated from Of Montreal. All the [Of Montreal] reviews would mention Kevin [Barnes, Of Montreal's primary songwriter and frontman] and not mention me.

That was pretty much my only thing to consider in the recording of this album, so I didn't want to include any of those people. That just got under my skin after a while—not that it created hard feelings, of course, but it was time to really be on my own."

Don't let Gonzales come across as bitter— he's not. But he does carry the air of someone frustrated with being overshadowed. Antistar, however, should aid in further separating Marshmallow Coast from Of Montreal's quirky pop preciousness. The album is Gonzales' fourth as Marshmallow Coast, a name he's used since his early teenage years in Denver. It's also his most distinct album to date. Marshmallow Coast's 1999 debut album Seniors and Juniors came across like an off-key and lo- fi love letter to Music Tapes' Julian Koster (also of Neutral Milk Hotel), and 2000's Marshmailow Coasting carried a strong Of Montreal sound— not surprising, since the majority of that band showed up to back Gonzales.

But with 2002's Ride the Lightning, which marked the jump from Kindercore Records to Misra Records, Gonzales started to gain his own foothold. Of the label switch, Gonzales says: "Kindercore was totally changing, and I kinda had a weird inkling that I needed to leave, but it wasn't anything other than I needed to be on a different label than Of Montreal, because that was the height of the comparison."

Antistar finds Gonzales exploring his troubadour side, turning away the more psychedelic whimsy experiments of earlier albums, instead relying on tunes more in line with the steady output of standards coming from Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello, albeit with a Sean Lennon voice and a Jonathan Richman sense of humor. Love songs—romantic love songs populate Antistar. Says Gonzales: "Everybody feels love, and I just... more than being lovey-dovey, I try to make my songs about weirdoes who find love mysteriously. I think it's more classy to write about love, and I definitely don't have anything political to say." The album was recorded primarily in the solo setting, and Marshmallow Coast's live performance reflects that; it's Gonzales and wife Sara Kirkpatrick, who married recently in Dekalb County, accompanied by a CD for all the backing tracks and drums.

"My songwriting process has kind of evolved," says Gonzales. "It used to be that I'd just wait for inspiration, but eventually I'd just work on little bits and pieces and see how they fit together over time. Now I'm at the point where I can get my brain into writing mode when I'm in the studio recording—I might go in with just six songs, and that's not enough for a full album, so I'll write some out of sheer necessity. Some of those songs have become some of my favorites, because I'm not super-prolific like some other people are. If I tell myself I've got something to accomplish and I'm not wasting somebody's time, I can get things done. But it can be difficult."

Again, Gonzales slips comfortably into self-doubt an apologetic tone for even existing in the first place. He seems uncomfortable with his own place in the creation of music. To wit:

Andy Gonzales: By this point I just [write songs] and we don't really feel like we'll change the world or anything. Flagpole: No? AG: Not really. Sometimes I don't know why I do it. I think about all the other hundreds of bands who recorded their CDs and spent all that money in the studio and... I dunno. I guess there is a reason. FP: What is that reason? AG: Because I like doing music, and there are some people who seem to like it I mean, I totally love making music, but I've given up the romantic notion I held as a teenager that we're gonna be big or something. But there's somebody willing to put the record out, so I'll definitely have the songs ready, I guess... I mean, I would love for us to get recognition as a unique or different band, but I am happy with the recognition we've got so far.

But again, it seems to be the constant scrutiny and comparison to his musical elders that's led to Gonzales' reticence and his reluctance to take a strong stand on his own music. "The weird thing is," he says, "I've had the luxury to turn into something while people were able to watch and scrutinize. Most people might not put out their first album until they're my age now, until they've really developed as an artist and are ready to be out there. I've kind of been developing in the public eye."

Is that ever an uncomfortable situation? "I think it was in the beginning," says Gonzales, "because I'm not a very good singer, but now I think... I don't know how much consideration I give it anymore. I just want to make something really, um, pretty? Y'know, just music that's nice. I feel that if I evolve in any other way I'll try to get somebody else to sing because that's where I run into the most criticism." 

But does Gonzales like his own voice? "Yeah. Sometimes? I don't know." It seems that Gonzales' strength, then, is to let the songs speak for themselves as well as for him. Despite his self-questioning, Antistar takes a strong stand towards romance and pushes Gonzales further towards definition.

Chris Hassiotis

[rin-and-jade]

thank u for answering my ask! I appreciate u. im going to share some of my experience if that’s okay!

It feels like my identity is constantly clashing, like they are fighting for dominance over each other. How I see myself and how I want others to see myself changes. Sometimes I find myself feeling and acting younger, and other times more mature. However, these different states feel like completely different people. Two main ones in particular I’ll give fake names bc anon. I typically define them as Zach being more mature, powerful, maybe angry and sexual and having this whole other aesthetic/likes dislikes/species and age than Ruffy. Ruffy coming off younger, soft and cutesy, also having his own separate aesthetic/likes dislikes/species. Sometimes I feel other ways that I’m not sure if I should attribute to ruffy and Zach or a different identity. They each want the body to look different ways as well.. Their appearances clashing. It leads to confusion about who I am and what I should be like and look like. If I try to use the name Zach if I’m not him, it won’t feel right until he comes back around and I guess takes “control.” It would also feel very wrong for zach to be called ruffy since they are so different. Like calling someone by the wrong name. I can’t force myself to be someone. Sometimes it’s hard to define which I am. I also have nonhuman identities and as a whole I id as non physically nonhuman otherkin/therian but I also wonder if the different nonhumans are similar to ruffy/Zach as in kinda like their own individuals bc it can feel like sometimes each have their own self t them but I’m unsure. Sometimes I also speak in a voice that sounds younger and another like a speech impediment (not on purpose) and people tell me in general my voice is very fluid and changes a lot. idk if that is just something that singlets get or what like why do I have something sounding like a speech impediment and also baby voice that comes and goes

BUT it’s so confusing bc I know singlets can have a lot of different aesthetics and parts of themselves. so I’m rlly not sure if it’s typical singlet behavior of me or if it could indicate something else and systems could relate to this? rn I currently feel a wave of feelings id moreso attribute to Zach or something wash over me.. strong feelings. but those are always there. and also I looked into p-did but I’m unsure how to tell if something is passive influence or full switches if u have any insight on that? and also yea I have dissociation trauma all of that just unsure about amnesia and have absolute no communication with anyone it seems (If anyone is there). I know u can’t dx me !! but idk this is why I asked the question earlier.. is any of this relatable as a system? or like do u have any thoughts/advice or something? I’m going to bring what I said here up to my therapist and see how it goes.. but I can’t help feeling like I’m faking/dramatizing normal behavior. also I’m not sure what “taking control” feels like.. to me if I am switching its more like non possessive switches where “oh now I’m (name) and I’m no longer (other name)” like I will feel like someone else .. is that what a switch can be like?

"is any of this relatable as a system?"

I'd say, yeah it is. No singlet has a huge shift from names to speech or even the gender and having species orientation.

"do u have any thoughts/advice or something?"

I don't have anything else except suggesting you to explore a bit more meanwhile, that won't hurt. Maybe you'll discover something else that can help you.

"is that what a switch can be like?"

What you described sounds close to a normal switch between other alters to become the fronter, but i am not entirely sure because you only provided little details. Non-possessive switch is more like a shift in yourself rather than actually a shift in identity, as in going to a different mood state or energy levels.

- j

[titanicfreija]

Banter

"Does this shared connection involve sensation?"

"Umm... If you're asking what I think you're asking, yes? I can feel the connection, kind of like I guess what wearing a hat would be like? Where you know it's there but you don't really notice it?"

"Can you feel pain?"

"Yes."

"Hers?"

"Not the way I think you mean."

"Can she feel yours?"

"No, but we can feel when the Hive Relics hit the other one."

"Oh?"

"They're. Cold. On the inside, in a way I don't know if I could explain. The parts of us we share between each other, those get cold."

"...."

"I'm sorry I keep doing that, I'm never sure how to explain it."

"I cannot expect someone without a head to tell me what their tusks feel."

"That's very gracious, but I still think I could be doing better, or someone else would be better at explaining than me. I've thought about bringing a friend to meet you, or asking about it, but I'm never sure how to bring it up."

"Was that an intentional effort?"

"... No, actually, I just forgot myself. Again."

"I am curious, but I would not like this."

"Needs the formal step between?"

"I'm not sure of your meaning."

"When I came up, I had an offer to make. It gave our talks a good way to start, and then the formality could fall off. That was only somewhat intentional-- I wanted to make the offer, and I hoped it would work like that."

"... I feel manipulated."

"You knew it, though! That's how you and Zavala got close, isn't it? Business became companionship? But anyway, you don't seem to like the bridging thing beyond introductions, you like to deal with people and not intermediaries."

"Unless I want information I cannot glean on my own."

"Yeah! So, yeah, I figured my offer to introduce someone else would fall flat. I don't know any unpaired ghosts that aren't on the hunt right now anyway."

"Unpaired?"

"No guardians. I'm getting an unequivocal message that you don't like dealing with both guardian and ghost, and I figure that would be the best way to eliminate that discomfort. You won't have to worry about encountering their guardian, and they'll have a completely different sense of things than me. I forgot a lot of what's different."

"You hear the message well. I can deal with your Freija impersonally, but I have no interest otherwise, similarly with Zavala and his ghost. Valus Forge seems to prefer his kept away, and he seems to share my inclination."

"Don't want us to talk about you?"

"...."

"Oh. Sorry to be presumptuous. I don't mean it in the way like--"

"I would need to hold audience with both at once to feel my attentions were properly divided, and while I would indeed prefer to keep my discussions private, I expect you would as well. Your commentary regarding your guardian is mostly apologetic for her behavior."

".... Yeah, well, the world has been killing her repeatedly her whole life and she acts like it, so I feel like I need to."

"Therefore, I do not expect you to relay the conversation. Anymore. I once did, before I recognized the many separations between you and your guardian."

"Huh?"

"I have come to see that you are both the same unit and two separate identities. I daresay necessarily complementary. Your Freija is forceful and strong and... Driven while you are kind and gentle and guiding. Without her, you are vulnerable and without you, she is... "

"Feral is coming to mind, but really it's just that she's immature. I think without me, if she survived, she'd grow out of it."

"She would not survive."

"Oh I know."

"..."

"Anyway! I'll tell Rex. He's an asshole, he loves hearing the theories, especially when they line up with his."

"You have mentioned this name before."

"We're... Rivals? Intellectually? We have the same friends group and if you sat us down and asked, we would both call the other smart and annoying. I'm wrong more than I'm right, I'll be honest, but that's because I talk a lot without thinking."

"I have noticed this."

"..."

"You have mentioned this name before."

"Oh! So, Rex found his guardian... Four hundred years ago? And the poor guardian has been having an identity crisis the whole time. And Rex hates it. So Rex is a fixture in the Ramen Shop den and the guardian spends a lot of time in the labs in the Tower with his girlfriend and writing. He does fiction for fun, but he's actually making a living off essays he co-writes with said girlfriend."

"What is this identity crisis?"

"He thinks he should be a Titan."

"...."

"I know! That was one of the times I was wrong, I still hate it, but I was being stupid. I thought they could change, and that we told them what they were and taught them how to be what they are. I didn't know it came as naturally them as resurrection does to us. Freija was a Titan the moment she breathed anew. And poor Thomas is a Warlock, like it or not."

"...."

"Right?!"

"...."

"I bet a song on it, that if I didn't tell my guardian about the classes, that she would come up with her own thing. And of course the third thing she taught herself was her barricade."

"The shield?"

"Yeah. It's a Titan thing. Not all of them can do it, but all of them can learn to do it, and the others can't. They usually can't teach their things to each other, and the times they can cross over, it's always different.

"And this one feels he is the wrong one?"

"Yep."

(spoilers after this!)

"And this has caused a rift between ghost and guardian?"

"Yep."

"Could he have shot the ghost?"

"No."

"Truly?"

"No more than Rex could leave him lying dead."

"Surely the ghost could leave him dead."

"... If... You put Rex right here and said you have five seconds to decide to rez or not rez literally forever for the rest of time, even with the decision being to make an action, Rex would rez him."

"Surely not."

"He'd say he wouldn't do it. I think he would. I've heard of it happening, but those are extremes circumstances and I'm still not a hundred percent sure one of them is true."

[feministfocus]

Demigirl

an interview by Madison Zhan

Can you tell us a bit about yourself and your journey? When did you first realize you were transgender, and how did you come to understand your identity?

My name is Ester and I am a first-generation Filipino American. I am a mechanical engineer by trade. I go by the pronouns “he” or “any.” “Any” is unusual but it is difficult for me to identify as either gender. Transgender is not the right identity, as it means you identify differently from the gender you were born with. I see identity as more of a spectrum. I consider myself nonbinary and under this other umbrella called DemiGirl: someone who partially identifies with womanhood or being a girl but not fully or completely. I have some disconnect from stereotypical gender roles. I experience a mix of feminine and nonbinary gender traits. And I feel more comfortable using gender-neutral pronouns.

My identity is something I only realized within the last year, but it is not something I am unfamiliar with. I hung out with guys from primary school through middle school. Starting in high school, I watched a lot of anime and found myself drawn to shows that girls like. I’m a guy who likes some girly things and visiting feminine spaces. And that’s how I carried myself for many years.

In the past year, I started questioning my gender identity. I started by getting closer to my best friend, who is a girl. We enjoyed talking about fashion, makeup, romance novels, and cute anime games. I didn’t want to be just a guest in this sphere. This is actually where I belong and where I was supposed to be living this whole time.

What are some of the unique challenges you’ve faced and how have you navigated them?

Once I started questioning my gender, I came to realize two things: (1) it changed how I felt about interacting with my guy friends whom I had known for so long. They would be talking about cars or tech and other stereotypical male things and I just wasn’t interested; (2) I wanted to be in the girlfriends’ corner and talk more about fashion trends and cute heels.

Because this is a new development for me, I haven’t truly come out yet. I also haven’t dressed or presented more femininely when I go out in public. It’s still on my mind. The only people who know are my fiancée and my best friend. Both are supportive, accepting, and encouraging.

I haven’t yet figured out how to present visually, as femme leaning on binary. I don’t have the wardrobe for it yet. I ordered some clothes, we shall see!

I haven’t told my parents yet. Not because they will disapprove, but because it’s easier to keep the course. I attended my grandmother’s birthday recently and there was one moment where relatives were saying transphobic things. It could be an ethnicity thing or an older generation thing. It’s hard to separate.

In the future, I will probably tell my in-person friends as most are either LGBTQ allies or identify as such themselves. I’m in a fortunate position. I have a stable life, and people I know will accept my identity.

Can you share a moment of personal triumph or growth in your journey that you’d like to highlight?

One moment of personal triumph was just going to pole class. I’ve always been interested but it took a long time for me to get the courage to walk into a studio and take a class. It’s such a feminine sphere. At first, I wondered if I belonged. Secondly, I didn’t want to make other women uncomfortable with someone who was assigned male at birth. For some women, it can be intimidating to just see a guy there.

Joining pole class was a big step for me and it really accelerated my ability to accept my identity. What drew me to pole was the need to get more physically active. The other attraction is that dance is so creative, and body expression arts have always appealed to me. There’s something about the flow and grace to it that is captivating. The body ownership and femininefeeling of pole dancing are spellbinding. It’s a lot of fun! I feel good about how I move and how my body feels despite my misgivings about my biological male body. You also need to trust yourself when you go into moves and perform tricks. It’s quite liberating.

What is your sexual orientation?

My sexual orientation is asexual, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. Fortunate because it hasn’t changed my relationship with my fiancée. We still meet each other’s needs. What is unfortunate is the challenge of not being physically female when I’m feeling feminine and reading first-person novels and not being able to identify with the bodily experiences of a woman.

How can individuals, communities, and institutions better educate themselves about transgender experiences and issues?

One relief I have is going on Reddit and seeing other people comment on similar experiences. I don’t go out and do any pride events, I prefer to just read about other people’s experiences. This has been really helpful. There are online wikis that explain trans, non-binary, and other umbrella terms— they are wonderful resources and have been a big help in finding an identity that makes sense for me.

Is there a message or piece of advice you’d like to share with others who may be on a similar journey?

To those going through a similar experience—read lots of online sources about different identities instead of assuming extremes on one end or the other. There is a spectrum and you can fit in somewhere.

Take the time to explore, understand, and accept your identity so you can explain it to others. Coming out is a personal decision on one’s journey toward self-acceptance and authenticity. You don’t have to come out to everyone at once. Start with one or two people you trust and gradually expand from there.

Coming out is an act of courage and self-love. Be proud of yourself for taking this important step toward authenticity. Your identity is valid—it is a beautiful and integral part of who you are.

[astertimberwolf]

The sad thing is, I have a "friend" who is so judgemental that she's dissed and dumped on the whole concept of identifying as anything other than what one appears as... This, even more sadly, extends to- and includes non-binary people. I found out in the worst of ways and it was incredibly disappointing, hurtful and anxiety-inducing.

I want to preface this by saying that she's normally nice to people and goes out of her way to help others, though I have started to question if that's really genuine or if she's just doing it to get people to like her...

...I found out about her views while we were having some light-hearted banter in her car, driving back from a flat viewing I went to (she offered to drive me there, which was nice of her).

She was joking that she identified as Ikea furniture- and wished she had an instruction booklet to take herself apart to better understand her own problems- when she suddenly changed the topic to how people identify as anything nowadays, until she ranted and raved about seeing a TikTok story where a girl identified as a cat and came out to her family, who were wholly unaccepting and unsupportive. She called this girl crazy and a furry (I guess she is not familiar with "otherkin" or "therian") because said girl would eat cat food and walk around naked on all fours in the house- Granted, she took the most extreme example of a teen wanting to feel like her past-life self, but the way she snarled and sneered with judgement and hate made me recoil and grow incredibly quiet and anxious...

...Being an otherkin myself AND a furry, it made me more than a little uncomfortable. All I could say was "that is not a furry".

The discussion later moved to her ranting about people demanding respect by using different pronouns and names- at which I asked her if she was trans/enby phobic- and well. I don't know how to paraphrase her answer. It sounded like she was making up some bullshit excuse to pin the blame on enby people, stating that most of them didn't respect her first by using labels like "cis-gender" to define her own identity, which really makes no sense- as that term is just the definition of someone who identifies as the same sex they were born in gender-wise.

I tried to talk to her and tell her that most of my friends were non-binary- and that no matter how much she did or didn't agree with it- did or didn't understand it, she should still try to respect it... but I'm not sure she got the message.

All I know is that I don't feel safe being myself around her, let alone letting her know more about me or us being close friends.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to cut her off completely because she will never understand why her friends leave her if I were to do that, but I certainly cannot try to continue post-poning this conversation forever.

For context, she went to a school that was religious and bigoted enough that she hardly learnt anything about LGBT topics- let alone autism or anything outside of the things that people considered "normal" over there.

Before finding out about her views, I had also tried to vouch for her and resolve other conflicts, mistakes and misunderstandings she had caused inside of our larger friend group. She is self-destructive and will definitely go back to self-harming or worse if I were to just up and leave.

I want to try and educate her on the topics she is so opinionated about- as she had (in the past) expressed interest in wanting to become a better person. I know she's a grown adult and not my responsibility, but I want to at least make an attempt before quietly going our separate ways.

How do I approach this without "attacking" her views? Does anyone have any recommendations at all?

be kind to kids (yes, this includes teenagers) who identify as nonhuman, otherkin, fictionkin, therian, alterhuman, or a furry. they are living their life the way that makes sense to them. they don't deserve an "i told you so" if they grow out of identifying that way later on. they don't deserve to be asked "aren't you too old for that now?" they don't deserve to be laughed at and mocked online. children forming a wolf pack aren't hurting anyone. kids who want to meet other kids who identify as nonhuman aren't embarrassing.

kids need a sense of community no matter who they are. kids deserve the right to identify their own feelings. kids are allowed to express parts of themselves adults find "embarrassing". adults are allowed to do all of these things, too, but it's become routine for folks online to mock literal children for embarrassing behavior.

identifying as an animal isn't embarrassing; what is embarrassing is being an adult and picking on literal children. who cares, it's not hurting a singular soul. let them explore identity in ways that make sense to them. identifying as nonhuman isn't a danger to anyone else. they aren't hurting themselves. let them identify as a nonhuman and explore what that means to them. let them live their lives.

[thefairyquill]

this is going to be potentially long and personal, but im going to write it here because there is no space for it elsewhere.

I'm nonbinary. It's a decision I've come to (or, more like, something I've discovered?) a while ago. It took longer than figuring out my sexuality or romantic endeavours (perhaps because those typically involve someone else, and that person can be asked things. I do not have many friends, and of those, all except one are cis).

I didn't know how to tell anyone. I did, in a kind of vague, unsure, mumbley way. The responses were varied. Some just ignored it, some made unsavoury jokes, my one similarly nonbinaried friend gifted me a trans pin, and years later, a nonbinary flag. I keep it hidden, but I do take it out to look at it sometimes. To feel it, and to try not to feel like it's not mine.

I do not like the way I present some days. I wish I could change some things. I wear what I can to flatten my chest. I cut my hair. I practised taking up space when sitting, dropping my voice when I could. I can't use the nonbinary bathrooms at college, because they consist of one separate stall that also happens to be the single wheelchair accessible toilet. Multiple wheelchair users have complained about 'getting lumped in with the gays'. I get double takes in the women's bathrooms.

I tried to go to events with trans people. I was met with a white group of twenty somethings that went to the most prestigious university in the country, majoring in English and History, worrying about clubs and societies and not how they would eat near the end of the month. They passed around a dictionary of gender identities and neopronouns, laughing, chortling about taking internet jokes too far. They invited me to drop in again next Saturday. I had a 10 hour shift that day.

On holiday with a friend, I bought a bright orange 'they/them' enamel pin. I wore it to a different job, on the induction day. After having it go ignored, I took it off. Near the end of my temporary position three months later, I was called into an office with HR and asked about how they could make the construction site and surrounding engineering offices more friendly to nonbinary people. I told them it's an antithesis to the construction site.

I didn't change my name or my pronouns. My name is not English, and all names in the language are gendered- new, gender neutral and anglicised names feel cheap and plastic next to my surname. It's not like either would make a difference, because no one in my circles would use them, and half would make fun. I pretend it doesn't bother me because it's my friends and not malicious strangers on the street. My parents don't and will not know.

Today, meeting up with my friends, one approached me, nervous and anticipatory. He said he wasn't sure when we would meet up again, if it were to be before Christmas, or if it were to be after New Years, or before my birthday in January, and he wasn't sure what to get me- he got a job in his career, he had money now!- but he saw This and was sure it was right.

I opened it later, at a dining table in a restaurant. My friend was worried I wouldn't like it. I said it was a gift from him, so I'd cherish it regardless. A cube of a box, with a bulbously headed figure inside, complete with large, dull black eyes. Haruhi Fujioka, Ouran High School Host Club. It was a surprise, but my eyes panned down to focus on the pale yellow dress the figure was wearing, tied off with a pink ribbon. A special edition without the uniform that made Haruhi look more... like Haruhi. The table was alight with choruses of how much it looked like me, and of my friend proudly explaining that he thought so as well and knew for it to be the correct choice. I couldn't explain the hollow feeling inside my stomach, that seemed somehow both shallower and deeper than the lunchtime hunger.

So this goes here, where they cannot read it, and where maybe someone else will, and will understand.