astertimberwolf

[astertimberwolf]

While I'm alright on my own, from time to time... I cannot deny the bottomless yearning / pining for something more.

Maybe if I reblog this often enough, the universe will (for once in my life) finally get the message and grant my request.

Given my circumstances, I may only have 10 years left to enjoy this. 20 at most, if I'm somehow lucky...

I've spent close to two decades suffering. Whatever negative karma debt I had accumulated in my past and present lives, has for sure been evened out by now... I want the last half of my life to be worth it, to be fulfilling and unforgettable in the most positive of ways- and when it's my time to go, I want to be able to leave this world with a full, whole, healed heart.

Maybe it's selfish, but this is what I really want.

I don't want money, fame, a body count- or any other meaningless drivel / external validation this human, broken, capitalistic society has to offer. I want someone who fits me like a missing puzzle piece. Someone who respects me and treats me with the care I have lacked my whole life... that makes me feel special. Loved. Unique. Irreplaceable. "[...] For the heart has no metrics or forms of measure and all of it (is)..." — W. S.

No more sorrow. I've paid for my mistakes.

« I want to fall in love with someone who will be able to take on my (and can, in turn, also express all of their own) feral / primal / animal self and otherkin feelings- to the fullest extent.

I want a love so deep and instinctual that nothing will ever feel wrong with said partner... Desire- deep, strong and raw... trust and understanding, unlike anything we've ever experienced up until that point.

I want to yearn for their darkness, madness, their good and their bad selves- and they will want me much the same way in return, bound to me with the indescribable, unbreakable connection of unconditional love.

I want to know what it feels like, to burn with so much fire that the stars will pale in comparison.

I want to find my soul mate. I'm ready to do so now, more than ever before.

May the universe grant me this one, last wish alongside thriving in life. »

[astertimberwolf]

“I’m not afraid of my truth anymore, and I will not omit pieces of myself to make you more comfortable.”

— Alex Elle

[astertimberwolf]

[astertimberwolf]

I'm happy to lose ANY person in my life that:

- Only ever treated me like garbage or something disposable... with disrespect, as if I was something to be stepped on, used- and thrown away (disregarding my humanity, empathy, honesty and the issues that led me to make bad mistakes / choices, past and present)

- Triggered my past scars and wounds from being abused (both parental and from bullying / harassment in schools)

- Actively used my past against me to wound me further instead of trying to understand me (you are an ABUSER if you do / did this. Normal, well-adjusted people don't feel the need to step on someone's throat or dig a salt-covered knife into other people's open wounds)

- Projected all of their own bad assumptions and experiences + issues with themselves, as well as their lack of self-esteem, lack of acknowledgement- and lack of self-awareness of their own defects- onto me

- Is only able to handle sensitive situations with explosive rage, like a toddler throwing a tantrum

- Has such a self-importance complex that it borders on narcissism, easily dismissing and excusing away their horrible behavior, in favor of doubling down on harming someone they perceive as a threat- or see as lesser than them

- Considers themselves mature all while they 1. have nothing to show for it and 2. surround themselves in an echo-chamber of "yes men"

- Is so inherently damaged and pathologically lying about (or refusing to see) their own issues, trauma, repressed emotions- that literally anything and everything not to their liking, addressing the aforementioned, will trigger their explosive anger

- Showcases selective reading-comprehention / hearing-comprehention skills, only to latch onto things you said, so they can twist- and use them to hurt you, rather than having a normal conversation with you, lacking any form of passive-aggressiveness / desire to "win" an argument, like any mature adult would

...

I think this list is extensive, but perhaps not exhaustive. Don't be surprised if there is more I'll add at a later date.

I have been far too kind, far too forgiving... Far too delusionally optimistic that people can change- or that there can be better outcomes around individuals who cannot even be trusted with their own well-being.

Drugs made me so delusional, with the feelings of eternal optimism, brain haze and invincibility each high brought- that they made me think I could legit share an online space with —or even be forgiven for a past mistake by— someone with that many issues... Someone who had shown manipulative tendencies in their own right, when I first got to know them, many years back- who threatened to kill themselves if I so much as took a day off from their presence.

While I have wished this person well many times... they are unwell, far moreso than myself when I kept falling back into drugs / failed to previously, fully quit my now past addiction, which was fuelled by guilt and regrets.

It is true that I made the mistake of allowing that person to get far too close to me while they were still way too young- and we only damaged each other from that... but I left any heartbreak / love-related feelings that I harbored for that person behind, many years ago... and I've moved on from having any positive, caring feelings (or feelings of responsibility) towards them, borne out of guilt, as well. The only thing that keeps persisting, is some of the damage they did, in the form of reinforcing pre-existing trust issues.

...

I never want to be made feel lesser- or forced to undergo abuse at the hands of another, ever again.

I only want people in my life who are non-judgemental, stable, empathetic, kind- and who, no matter how badly I screw up, will try to work with me on damage control, instead of berating me with toxic rage / toxic shame.

The book I've been reading on CPTSD has opened my eyes (and made me hate humanity a little more). I suffered from all of the 4Fs, due to how severe my childhood trauma was.

As someone with innate emotional sensitivity, I used to resort to Fawn, trying to appease angry abusers, so that they wouldn't further lash out at me- and it caused me extreme anxiety.

S*xual abuse and assault, as well as extremely volatile, violent outbursts / unpredictable behavior, + bullying and harassment from people around me, caused me to Freeze (paralyzed by even more anxiety).

Some situations, where I felt that a beating or threat of being hurt was imminent, have pushed me to run due to Flight... Leading to emotional numbness in the aftermath- and trauma-related flashbacks.

And, last but not least, when I do regain a morsel of self-respect- but someone still replies with the same lack of acknowledgement towards their own flaws and mistakes, choosing to direct jabs at me instead in an attempt to try to get under my skin- I eventually react with Fight, saying things I do not fully mean and consequentially lowering myself to their level of immaturity. I'm ashamed of that last part... but it is what it is (this has led to feelings of depression, worthlessness and guilt in the past).

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I have a human side too. Imperfect, ugly- that I lock inside a closet and, more often than not, when let out in times of need, try to apply a thousand filters to.

[The following won't make much sense to most, but I'm suspecting plurality / that I may have a system inside of me... or a more mixed and unconventional form of one, at least...]

I'm sorry for not listening to you, Weiss. For locking you in a closet, in the back of my head, when many times... You had more than enough reason(s) to be angry and protective of us. You were trying to be the voice of reason, by reminding me that there is no reasoning with the kind of person that has the defects listed above.

We need to get along, unite and act as one. The ice dragon, the wolf... and, I guess, the "entitled princess", who is still trying to learn how to act like a human without having her empathy, humanity, altruism and forgiveness taken advantage of (or taken for granted), by people who deserve little to none- and have, time and time again, refused to change.

I'm taking control of my life and emotions because this IS about ME getting better- and NOT about further apologizing to people from my past, who haven't changed in the slightest and were actively abusing me in situations where I was made to believe I was SOLELY responsible for all the damage occurring. I'm not falling into DARVO. I'm merely having a shred of much needed emotional venting and self-worth, because I don't deserve to be treated like a doormat all the time, by people who only ever perpetuate their own version of events and never fully acknowledge how sh*tty they had / have been- and still are.

If you have a partner or friend that matches all the defects I listed in the beginning of this post, please, please, PLEASE , I beg of you to RUN. Get out. Leave them. Abusive relationships are a nightmare- and there is likely something deeper and wronger / more f*cked up that led you to either: be attracted to those kinds of people... or had them sniff out the good and vulnerability in you, to later crawl their way into your life and take advantage of it.

Be very, VERY careful of who you trust. These kinds of people fake niceness on the surface and then try to keep you there with manipulative tactics and emotional / mental warfare. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, intimidation and invalidation are their weapons of choice. If you see them use those on you...

... do not forgive them. Never look back. You are valuable- and you deserve so much more than what these sh*tbags have to offer. You can feel bad for them, for coming from an abusive or traumatizing home, sure... but don't let that cloud your judgement. Don't let them weaponize your empathy. Don't let them bully you into submission. If these people are not seeking help, seeing a therapist on the regular- or, despite the professional help, they don't seem to be improving... You don't have to stay. No matter what they'll scream at you, you won't be the "evil" and "heartless" one for leaving- or the "monster" or whatever the f*ck they wanna see you as in their own deluded minds. These people (when they refuse to change / get better / start to fully acknowledge the gravity of their actions) will continue to transform into the abusive villain(s) that shaped them. The saying "hurt people, hurt people" isn't just a saying, sadly.

And now, for the worst of it all: you'll regret all the years spent thinking that you were the problem, believing the lie that you were / are unlovable- or that there is something extremely wrong with you... Some people lose half a lifetime to abusers- and healing from them.

Please... Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and be honest about how you're feeling. If someone makes you feel like sh*t the whole time, they do not love you. They never have- and they likely never will.

... (In Conclusion) ...

Things DO run that deep.

Abusers need just as much —if not MORE— therapy than the people they harm. I refuse to see myself as a victim- because I've done my own fair share of mistakes and damage too, but regardless... One will stay an abuser until there is some radical change and willingness to heal and own up to their faults and failures. I owned up to my mistakes to an excessive degree and am working on the last, small bits of healing. CPTSD is unsurprisingly very hard to heal from, but I am determined to succeed.

I have come this far, after all... and I am more than determined to help others, who have been struggling with similar experiences, as well.

Stay safe, reach out to your friends and loved ones. Involve authorities if the abusive relationship is also physically violent. Plan a safe exit. You can start over again, heal, help others and have a better future... The future you deserve.

[astertimberwolf]

It's validating to know that I'm not alone in having felt non-human since my childhood + teenagehood.

Up until I turned 24-ish, I had completely given up on giving those feelings any room to be explored, questioned and ultimately validated. With the state society is in- trans people are already getting heat from everyone who doesn't understand them- or worse, finds them "abhorrent". What treatment would someone get for identifying as non-human, other than being called "crazy", a "freak" and / or be picked on?

Long story short, I'm glad I was able to both heal from a lot of trauma and put a name to my otherkinnity during- and after COVID lockdowns.

It was a long, windy road- but I feel reassured that if not IRL, at least I can experience my identity and sense of self on many online communities revolving around otherkinnity and therianthropy.

We're valid. We deserve to be respected and seen... All of us. Trans people included. Life is too short to harbor hate towards people you don't understand.

You're hit with dysphoria in public, and it doesn't even have the grace to just the gender type- you can only describe it as some ridiculous species dysphoria.

The same feeling of wrongness, that you're missing physical pieces of yourself that humans don't have- but you're an old hand at masking normalcy …or so you think. This dragoness comes up to you, mildly panicked concern etched on her face, and carefully asks if you're well. Out of reflex, you tell her that obviously, you're fine, thank you, making yourself ignore the pang of envy her flicking ears and tail brings out in you.

This, however, only makes her look more concerned, if less panicky. Confused, you look yourself over if you got something or the sort on yourself, but you're clean, and ask the other girl what brought this up. This she answers with a question: how long has it been since you've last let your guise go? What guise, you ask back slowly. As far as you know, you're painfully human.

She asks if you're really sure- as if you hadn't spent your angsty teenage years trying to find evidence to the contrary, of fucking course you're sure. Immediately, you feel guilt smacking you in the face when the girl flinches at your tone, but she steels herself and asks if you'll let her try something. Sure, you say, hopefully that'll make up for your earlier tone.

She murmurs something about how her mom did it, lightly laying her hand on your shoulder and something unfolds.

Your legs fold under you as a tension you didn't know you were dealing with your whole life loosens. The previously quiet drone of your surroundings comes alive, and webbed ears you told yourself you came to terms with not having twitch towards every sound, alongside some new appendage(s?) behind you.

Your sister- there's no way call her anything else with some sixth sense yelling kin! kin! kin! at you- smiles at you knowingly with her canines cutely peeking out behind her lips, saying, there you are, little sister.

[astertimberwolf]

Mmmh- Drained my bank account a little bit to get nearly all of the materials to make my fursuit head.

All that's left is ordering foam, some strong glue, a few spray paint cans and I'll be peachy!

✨ Life is now ✨

Regrets are for later

😂😭💀

[astertimberwolf]

Me as soon as I get home from work today... 😂😭💀🥲

oughgh my bed… ohohib boy my bed..

[astertimberwolf]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”

— Jim Carrey

[astertimberwolf]

[astertimberwolf]

B: "I'm going to work on my fanfics today!"

Also B: *burns out by spending the whole day on chores and being the perfect housewife*

...

I think I need to re-evaluate my priorities.

My flat looks like an Instagram ✨inspirational✨ post now... But at what cost? 😂🙈

The throes of being married to myself

[astertimberwolf]

-and this is why I hate TikTok.

I'm sorry, but that platform is the epitemy of braincell death, brainrot- and the biggest b*llsh*t-spreading form of anti-social media you could ever waste your time on.

People don't fact check anything nowadays and just believe whatever content goes "viral".

This phenomenon isn't just limited to newer generations, though: Boomers do the exact same thing, but on Twitter / X or Facebook, rather than TikTok.

I know we live in the century of laziness and ADHD, but as a fellow neurodivergent, I beg of you... please, don't believe all the b*ll you come across online, on any given platform.

If something sounds like an opinion someone pulled out of their ass, maybe it's because that's exactly what it is.

[astertimberwolf]

Yeah, no- there need to be laws in place to stop its use to spread misinformation. I wrote about this in a paper several months ago... This is NOT how you should use technology. It's unethical, misleading and can do damage to real rescue organizations as people will start thinking all rescue videos are fake and stop donating to them.

Sincerely, fuck this.

[astertimberwolf]

Creatives are needed. Direly. More than people / society think(s). We are the first in the line of firing for companies because they don't see the value in us (the creative industry is impossible to get into at the moment, with seniors being let go of and insane competition for the few job roles out there).

Everything is burning, the economy is crashing world-wide... but I don't want for people who work as artists (and writers) to forget: we matter. We help people stay sane... and, sometimes, we even help people feel emotions in a safe way. We aren't useless.

Without creatives, the world would be a washed-out, cold, soul-less construct of efficiency and monotonous homogeny (everything would look the same, with no character or distinction).

Please, if you're a creative in these trying times (like myself) and you're LGBT+, don't give up. Whether you live in the US, some other anglophone (English-speaking) country... or somewhere else entirely. We have to stick together. We have to look out for each other...

...We can take the world back one pen stroke at a time.

(Or if you're a writer, one keystroke at a time)

Feeling rough lately.

[astertimberwolf]

Aye. I managed to undo some of the dents and I'm starting to pick up positive things as well now. 2024-2025 marked the end of my suffering.

I can be shaped by more than the things that hurt me

[astertimberwolf]

Elaborating on the original quote from my first reblog, this is what it's referring to:

Nothing wrong with complimenting me on my looks, but- woman... I wrote extensively about my hobbies, my personality and what I'd like in a partner- and you just hit on my body as an opener? Yeah. Nah. 💀😅

This makes me go as stiff as a board and reply as awkwardly as someone who either doesn't know how to- or doesn't want to talk to people.

(Not a catfish because her profile has the verified checkmark. Also blurred out our names and pics for privacy)

“You need someone that loves your soul more than your body”

— Unknown

[astertimberwolf]

"She don't got time for you, racing to an early grave... and she don't want to be saved- She's living the bad & the good life~ ✨✌️😎

She's high as heaven, drinking seven and seven- ☕ I'm bowing down to the queen 👑❄️👠🔥, she's got her legs wrapped around the American dream... And it feels like heav—eeen~ heaven~ when I kiss the devil, when I kiss the devil 💋😈❤️‍🔥🌈"

This song slaps so hard- Being clean now, the only drug I do is music and God does it feel like everything.

[astertimberwolf]

(Except for the occasional tiredness)

B is feeling... 60% cooler! 😎

Depression f**ked off for good. Anxiety has lessened & StPD is under control.

All that's left is dealing with the newfound levels of Hyperness from ADHD not being suppressed by depression anymore (it came back with a vengeance!).

I need to structure my days off a little more so I can actually be more productive instead of having my head be like a scrambled egg (all over the place).

Sunday - Chill & Chores Day

Monday - Fanfic Writing Day

Tuesday - DnD / Pathfinder / ttRPG Day

Wednesday - Career Day

Thu - Fri - Sat (Retail Hellhole WeRk) - Survival Days

If I managed to get moved to another department and morning hours (instead of evening shifts), that will also help with my erratic sleep cycle... But yeah, one thing at a time.

Breathing & living as this burden-free new me is amazing. I wanna go back to WR brain rot and all the things I love. :)