#and maybe this will have consequences later but there will also be consequences later if im not kind to myself now so take that

[catrad0rable]

in general, it's the idea that small things have large consequences.

theres a lot of imagery in arcane about butterflies (or firelights, if u wanna call them by their arcane name). they often appear in the show to represents moments of change e.g. here at the festival of progress

but the main thing i was reading about the other day though is this the ones surrounding jayce and viktor.

here's one from the season 1 scene where viktor meets singed and its changes his life. it's small, unassuming, and just flits across the frame, mostly unnoticed

we've also got this one, which jayce sees when he wakes up after being saved by the mysterious mage in season 1.

both butterflies are white and pure seeming. (viktor's seems more mechanical in animation, maybe to foreshadow the machine herald stuff)

and then here's the scene where jayce swings his hammer at the gemstone mesh and as it explodes, it explodes into the shape of this somewhat horrifying, dark multicolored butterfly that consumes everything, including jayce himself.

these two seemingly unconnected events that sent viktor and jayce off on two journeys that would eventually converge and have them create hextech, ended in this, represented by this dark and monstrous butterfly. things have gotten out of control, ala butterfly effect! "what have we done?"

---

now onto the jinx imagery

we see butterfly imagery with jinx when she creates the mechanical firelights that explode. there might be more but i'm not sure off the top of my head :') but i like that jinx's butterfly imagery has so far been 1. destructive and 2. repurposing existing things to turn into her own. she's making destructive weapons out of a symbol of hope, which is the thing she's been historically best at (rip)

now we see this revolutionary art. the butterfly is blue (her color), it's wings are exploding out in a protective manner over all the other pictured revolutionaries. jinx, previously a symbol of destruction, being turned into a symbol of hope. the revolutionaries all have blue hair, as if jinx's blue butterfly is in turn changing their lives, literally coloring them.

also, i like that this butterfly is blue, and the little blue hex gem blowing up is what kicked off her arc in the first place. arcane has done wonders with color symbolism so i like to think it's intentional

--

anyways that's basically all i have on it, i'm sure more will come out later. it's just a cool detail that the arcane writers have been putting in and we love to see it

Love this frame from the Arcane Season 2 trailer.

Jinx is painted standing in front of a group of Zaunites charging forth. It depicts her as a leader carrying a banner to the fight. Her braids sweeping out encompassing everyone. Yet her head is turned down as if there is grief or pain, is that for Silco or for the undercity?

It shows that many in Zaun are going to see her as some sort of hero or revolutionary.

[13eyond13]

a headcanon I just realized I have is that Light often has a lot of trouble living in the present moment and L often has a lot of trouble NOT living in the present moment. Light is a huge planner and forward thinker and accustomed to grinding through unpleasant current circumstances in order to achieve optimal future results. L is very keen on living for today and whatever is currently tickling his fancy and giving him the most excitement and pleasure and challenge, and prefers not to dwell heavily on the future nor the past. And I think that both of them normally feel uncomfortable and resentful if they are forced to do the opposite of what they are normally accustomed to doing.

[voidcat]

leaning in for a peck on the lips and telling your windbreaker darling they're so sweet they give you toothaches... only to be hit by a real toothache hours later

[autism-disco]

beieng kind to myself :)

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens

[lovesickeros]

☆ lost in orbit

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings violence [ implied ], unhealthy relationship {☆} word count 0.6k

She had resigned herself to apathy – to burying her love beneath the cold, hard soil and letting it rot amongst the graves of a long dead civilization, burned to ash in only a day. Yet how quickly it all fell apart in her hands, slipping through her fingers like sand, no matter how desperately she tried to cling to it.

Was she not diligent enough? Was she so weak that she faltered at the first person who showed her genuine trust and affection? Had all her work been for naught?

A part of her revolts – the same woman who watched the sky burn and the ground beneath her feet crumble into ash. It would be so easy to wrap her hands around your delicate throat, to squeeze until you finally saw her as the monster she knew she has always been.

Yet she doesn't think she could. The look of betrayal, of fear..oh, it would ruin her, she knows.

Perhaps that makes her weak. Perhaps you have made her weak.

Perhaps she does not mind as much as she should.

You trust her, after all – enough to sleep in her bed like she couldn't just kill you before you ever knew what was happening to you. Your body was so..fragile, in this mortal shell you descended in. How easy it would be to snuff out your life, here and now.

Yet she doesn't.

Instead, she looks at you like an old lover – with all the love of a woman who had died in the ashes of a dying civilization, of a woman who thought she could love no longer. Emotions she fought so hard to suppress well up in her chest and fill the empty space where she knows her heart should beat. Try as she might – and oh, how she tries – she can never quite stem the affection that consumes her every waking moment when she sees you.

It is like an addiction that she cannot rid herself of, no matter how she tries. She always finds herself back at square one – back to you.

Her hand lingers against your cheek, undue affection filling the empty spaces in her chest until she feels like cannot breathe. She traces her hand along your jaw, her vision narrowed on the softness of your lips.

Yet that same thought rises unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. Love was a dangerous thing – you both knew that. To let it fester and rot her from within..she would be throwing her plans out the window, and for what?

Because she was too weak? Because the affection and trust in your eyes whenever your looked at her made her feel whole, like she was more then just an Archon playing God with the fate of the world?

You do not even stir as her thoughts toil like a brewing storm. She swallows the lump in her throat, removing her hand like she'd just touched a piece of hot metal. A part of her still screams that it's for the best, that you've corrupted her enough, torn apart her plans in the span of a week, a mere blink in time..

But it goes silent as she leans in, pressing her lips to your cheek. She will not let the thought fester, tonight – she will let herself be weak, if only for another day. If only to covet the affection that she finds herself drowning in for just another day.

And when you stir, she pretends that she had never thought of it at all, that she has only ever known love with you. Even if her heart that does not beat leaves a stabbing pain in her chest in the agony of knowing that even this is futile..

She lets you wake, let's the recognition and the affection fill your vision until she is all you see – two stars locked in orbit, unable to break away.

And when the day comes that you collide, she will be holding the blade that drives into your chest, and she will know nothing but love when she does.

[yooniesim]

Almost all my fav always free creators have either retired or gone early access... these days I think about whether I should do the same 💀

[longagoitwastuesday]

I was tagged to do one of those top ten ship polls, but it's being kinda hard. Do I even care about ten ships?

[the-acid-pear]

I have an idea for a new fursona. I need to draw it later. Luly dog sona finally will be real.

[curseofbreadbear]

reading the stitchwraith bits where andrew is still present in the animatronic & getting emotional over it...

[hqmillioncorn]

Lalapril 4/29: Light

guest starring @windupiceheart’s everyone’s good friend b’ig nunh 

Cherrypit ran ahead of his sister. 

She had been acting strange ever since she woke up so he was a little worried. This whole situation was messed up! Why was that meanie doing something like this to them?! What had they ever done to him?!

Cherrypit waited for his sister to catch up as she slowly walked ahead, her hands covering her mouth.

From his waiting place, Elidibus frowned.

...What was the last thing Babycorn remembered?

Was it something about Ardbert?

No, wait. It wasn’t Arbert. It was an Ascian.

She didn’t quite know which one. It felt like she should know.

“Hmm…?”

Babycorn blinked again and again. No matter how many times she blinked, her surroundings stayed the same. Everywhere she looked was a bright white. There were no landmarks, no ground, no anything she could discern.

It felt like somebody had trapped her inside an empty canvas.

Which she really hoped wasn’t the case.There was no time to be trapped somewhere like this! She still had to chase after not-Ardbert and give him a piece of her mind after he decided to bully her and Cherrypit with all these stupid illusions or whatever.

Babycorn paused, then looked around some more, this time with more panic than before.

Could this be another one of not-Ardbert’s mean tricks? Just like the last few? What was his goal in messing with them like this?! Where was she?! 

Where was Cherrypit?!

Suddenly it felt like Babycorn finally woke up.

Her eyes went wide with shock when she realized that it didn’t matter where she was really. What actually mattered was that Cherrypit wasn’t with her. “Cherry? Cherry?!” Babycorn jumped to her feet and called out to him as loud as she could.

Babycorn started to run.

But no matter how much she ran, she got the feeling she wasn’t going anywhere.

It was just like that time she tried to run on a frozen lake. No matter how much her legs moved, she stayed in one place. While everyone else had a much easier time. Including Cherrypit who simply slid across the ice while standing in place.

The memory made Babycorn laugh. It also made her a little bit sad, but she had no idea why.

Regardless, she didn’t have time to feel anything right now, especially since there was still no sign of Cherrypit anywhere.

Babycorn stopped.

She felt her stomach grumble.

“Ow…” There was a sharp pain in both her stomach and head. She couldn’t decide what part to hold in pain. The pain had caught her so off guard that it caused Babycorn to drop to her knees.

Only momentarily though. It took only a few seconds for her to get back up. The pain had disappeared just as quickly as it appeared. “Huh…” Babycorn nervously smiled. It wasn’t her first encounter with sudden pain and it probably wouldn’t be her last.

Living with an eternally bleeding wound on your stomach sort of got you used to that.

Babycorn looked down at her white dress for any abnormalities. Thankfully there weren’t any stains that she could see but she did see something else.

The shadow of someone standing right in front of her.

“Ahh-!!?” Babycorn jumped back in fear. Though she had wished for someone to appear and help her, she never actually expected someone to show up.

Recognizing that she wasn’t alone anymore, Babycorn’s fear quickly switched to curiosity as she looked up to see who had joined her.

The faint image of a dark red-haired miqo'te flickered in front of her. He was wearing a really fancy uniform, though the uniform was a little torn in some places. Almost like he had been in a big fight before this or something.

Or at least, that’s what Babycorn figured.

His eyes were a dark blue and they were looking right down at her. Babycorn gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's not like there was anything else to look at around here anyway.

It was kind of scary but it was nice to see someone here with her. Especially someone who looked like they were nice.

“Hi! My names Babycorn!” She extended her hand out as far as she could so she could shake this stranger’s hand. It was something she had recently learned people did and she was very excited whenever she got the opportunity to try this cool new thing out.

The strange miqo'te remained silent, only staring down at her.

Babycorn did not find this strange one bit.

“Did you get trapped here too?” Babycorn looked around again. Even if the other ten times she had done this had proved fruitless, there was still the chance she might have missed something. “Don’t worry! We’ll find our way out and get back home! I-I’m sure of it!” Babycorn knew she was saying this more to convince herself than this stranger but there had to be something she could do to help!

The weird stranger only watched in silence as Babycorn stepped all around him., desperately looking for anything that would lead them out of where they were trapped.

Suddenly, the stranger spoke.

“Monty. My name is Monty.”

Babycorn looked up in surprise.

“Monty?” It was nice to hear someone else’s voice! “Nice to meet you! I’m Babycorn Corn!” It was polite to also introduce yourself after someone else does. It was something she had also learned by now.

“Don’t worry Monty! I’ll find us a way out of here!

Babycorn still wasn’t sure how they got trapped in here but surely if they made their way in that meant there was a way out, and she was going to find it.

Monty looked down at her.

Their gazes met and Babycorn froze.

She recognized that look.

A terrified smile crossed her face as she began to slowly back away from Monty. “W-We’re not doing anything…” The familiar saying escaped her lips without a second thought. It felt as if she was backed up into an alley in Ul’dah all over again.

Monty stepped closer to her, his eyes glued to her.

“I hate you.”

Babycorn tried to cover her ears.

“How could you?!”    

A number of silhouettes began to emerge from the white surrounding them. They were flickering in place just like Monty was. Babycorn could see their mouths moving but she couldn’t hear anything that they were saying. She didn’t recognize any of them either.

There were so many of them.

All of them looked so different.

“How could you do this to us?!”

Babycorn shook her head, over and over. “I get it! I get it!! You can stop!” It wasn’t like she had forgotten about the people she had hurt back then. How was she supposed to know?! She wouldn’t have known! She must have hurt a lot of people!

Otherwise why would so many people in Ul’dah have hated them?

Suddenly, Babycorn noticed something in front of her.

Monty was stretching out his arm towards her, he was holding something in his hand. Then, without a second thought, Babycorn got closer to see what he was holding. When she saw that it was a simple piece of meol she didn’t think too much about it.

Then it all came rushing back.

The way she had accepted the offer to eat meol, falling under Vauthry’s control, attacking her friends, Thancred telling her that meol was made of sin eaters…

How she couldn't remember how many pieces of meol she had actually eaten.

“This is me.” Monty held the meol closer to Babycorn. “This was me.”

“Stop…”

Babycorn’s desperate whispers were drowned out by the people around her holding up their own piece of meol. A piece of themselves. Telling her that this was them. Whispering their names to her. Shouting their stories to her, how they had died, when they had died.

She had done this. Babycorn had done this. Babycorn was the reason they were dead now.

“Stop! Please stop!!”

She had done this

She did this.

She-

“Hey! Leave her alone already!!”

A very familiar voice rang in Babycorn’s ears.

The next thing she knew, the silhouettes around her and even Monty had disappeared into thin air. The mysterious figures had been replaced with the presence of only one person, but Babycorn couldn’t tell who it was or if this was good or bad.

Babycorn rubbed at her eyes. The light all around them wasn’t doing much to help her see clearly. Even though it was hard to see, there was no way she would ever mistake that little heart shaped antennae for anyone else.

“B’ig Nunh…?”

‘B’ig Nunh’ looked confused to be addressed as such. He looked behind his back and to his sides to see if Babycorn was talking to someone else that wasn’t him.

Because that certainly wasn’t his name.

“Are you talking to me…?” He asked.

Before Babycorn could answer however, she was already at his side, giving him a hug around his legs. “Woah?! Hold on! Let go!!” ‘B’ig Nunh’ raised a leg and wiggled it around as Babycorn continued to hold onto it for dear life.

“B’ig I’m so glad you’re here!!” Babycorn finally let go of her good friend and plopped down onto the ground. “It's so scary in here! Oh! How did you get in here too?!” Surely if he figured out how to enter this weird place he knew the way back out.

“Why do you keep calling me that? That’s not my name!” ‘B’ig’ yelled down at her. He took a large step away from her to make sure that Babycorn would not try and jump on him again. It was already hard enough to shake her off the first time.

He was also a little taken aback, Babycorn was bouncing back so easily. Especially from the little he had seen of what was happening just a few seconds ago.

“Whaaaaaat?” Babycorn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What do you mean B’ig?! You look like B’ig. You talk like B’ig! And you move like B’ig! Of course you’re my good friend B’ig Nunh!”

Who else could it be??

“My name is Oroden!”

Hearing his name felt like Babycorn had taken a huge tumble, but she wasn’t exactly sure why.

“O-Oroden…?” Babycorn began to retreat into herself. She took a few cautious steps back and looked up a Oroden with a fearful look, which he noticed right away. As soon as Oroden raised a hand up to her to ask her to stop Babycorn quickly jumped back. 

This sort of reaction was pretty much what he had expected before.

“Do you hate me too…?” Babycorn whimpered.

Oroden let out a sigh, scratching the back of his head he wondered how he even got into this situation in the first place. None of the lessons in knightly orientation had ever prepared him for something like this. He decided to take a seat on the ground. Thinking that maybe this dwarf would see him as less of a threat if he was around her height.

He gestured to the ground next to him. “Here. You can sit here.” He watched as Babycorn looked down to the ground then back up to him. It was clear she was still a little scared. Oroden tilted his head and unbeknownst to him that caused the heart antenna on his head (only visible to Babycorn) to wiggle a little.

Babycorn let out a small laugh and stepped just a little towards him. Then a little bit more, until she finally decided to take a seat next to her familiar unfamiliar friend. 

She wiggled herself into a sitting position she liked and smiled. That smile faded into a frown pretty quickly after Babycorn remembered where she was.

“Um…” Babycorn tugged on both of her braids nervously, “Do you hate me too, Mr. Oroden…?”

Oroden looked out into the vast nothingness surrounding them and let out a hum. “Hmm…I would have to say that I still kind of hate you too.”

Babycorn wanted to cry.

“But!” Oroden paused, “I don’t hate you as much as they do.” He used his head to gesture behind him, hoping that Babycorn would figure out what he meant.

“Hmmm…”

Babycorn was confused. From what the others had told her, they had every reason to hate her guts. “Why not?” she asked, “You’re here cause I…I ate you with meol like the other guys, right?” Babycorn felt sick all over again.

Oroden nodded. “Yeah, you did.”

“Knew it.”

“But there’s something else.” His tail swished behind him, curling itself towards Babycorn. “For some reason I can’t find it in me to hate you that much. Almost as if I know you…?”

“You do know me B’ig-!”

“Oroden.” He corrected her again.

“Oh. Right! Sorry!”

It was so strange. Oroden had told her that he wasn’t B’ig, but then why did they look exactly the same? Maybe it had something to do with her? Babycorn wondered if she had somehow managed to make some stranger look completely different just because she wanted some company.

Suddenly, the image of B’ig flickered away for just a moment.

But a moment was all Babycorn needed to see what Oroden really looked like.

In B’ig’s place sat a tall au ra, with dark hair and dark horns. He was wearing a uniform of some sort. One that Babycorn would expect a knight from Ishgard would wear. His clothes looked torn too, just like Monty’s had been.

Oroden noticed Babycorn’s strange look and looked down at her. “Is there something wrong?” he asked.

“No! Nothing!” Babycorn answered earnestly, “I like your horns!”

“Oh, thanks?” Oroden reached up to touch his horns on instinct. Unfortunately for Babycorn it just looked like B’ig was parting some of his hair. If only she had caught more of that au ra guy, she might have thought of more things to compliment him about.

“Well…” Oroden suddenly stood up, extending a hand towards Babycorn. “You should probably wake up now. You don’t want to keep everyone worried.” He knew that Babycorn had spent too much time in here already. Any more time spent here and he probably wouldn't be able to stop the others from going after Babycorn again.

Babycorn was confused. As usual. “Wake up?” Was she dreaming or something?

“You tripped and knocked yourself out while running after Elidibus. Your brother must be worried sick out there.”

Just the mention of Cherrypit was enough to get Babycorn to wake up.

She couldn’t keep her brother worried! Though she was a little sad that she didn’t get to say goodbye to Oroden. He seemed like a nice guy…

With that thought in mind, Babycorn woke up with a jolt.

No…

No, it couldn’t be true, could it?

Had she…really killed her friend?

[trans-leek-cookie]

comes out of the "googling things about the disorder you have and then googling a vague medical term and not getting a clear answer and complaining about the vagueness of the term to your friend who probably has more familiarity with the term and it's implications in context" session covered in blood and wailing and writing on the floor

[misterradio]

trying to split up my nyit cgl bookmarks between each film was a mistake..... they overlap so much and there are so many bits and pieces that i dont have a dedicated folder for.... so many bookmarks to read later......... a wonderful problem to have o<-<

[coridallasmultipass]

Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

[kelddaa]

Set after Limited Life session 7

Someone explained it pretty well in the rbs already but my main idea here was just that Grian didn’t seem to express much regret for all the deaths he’s caused, even amongst his closest allies each season (3rd life might be an exception).

(also ik he wasn't the main cause of jimmy and joel's deaths in LimLife, but their deaths were the catalyst of his regret in this instance which make them relevant in my mind)

I wanted to explore the idea that maybe he isn’t allowed to per his watcher identity, that he knows these games have consequences and fighting against them is useless.

And yet even still he pleads.

On a more realistic note, I drew this whole comic within like two days bc I wanted to get it out before the LimLife finale after the penultimate session. There are some things I would’ve done differently now a year later to make it more coherent but I don’t want to change it.

Life Series Grian is a very complicated character (all of the players are, let’s be real) and this comic only begins to scratch at the surface of how I interpret him.

[poobit]

i have many thoughts on how Mouthwashing handles the themes of abuse and the symbolism around it especially as a survivor ... im not gnna hold back so -

first of all i think since its clear the point Jimmy is dismissive of Anya´s personhood and his perception is warped towards what he does as a Captain rather than what he does as a man, it makes sense she doesnt get her own labyrinth or such , i cant argue around that because its realistic he´s so male focused he cant even bother to truly think about what he did to her, i would love it if Wrong Organ decides to do a side story vignette of her own perspective and view in the future if the game proves its successful enough for side content like that.

Assault is something usually not handled with subtlety in games, i think what struck me the most was how real the dialogue of her coping and suicidal ideations and how Curly responded to it felt , the dancing around the subject, the deflection, the "whats next" of the ever impending consequence of pregnancy, how Anya pleads for help from the person she trusts but nonetheless a man unequipped and too emotionally attached to the abuser to be able to confront him, its so real, Curly´s lack of initiative is something Jimmy fully takes advantage of the moment things dont go his way, he turns everyone against him even as a helpless body on a bed because he needed to be in control of the situation, thats what abusers do.

A more sensationalistic game would have easily played Anya´s helplessness and assault for shock for sure, because it would be easy, she is the archetypical victim trope, shes modeled in Wendy Torrance likeness from The Shining, shes meek and unsure of herself and Jimmy shoots her down from the very beginning to make her feel unqualified and cornered, but the furthest the games goes is making Jimmy terror towards the pregnancy and the baby as a boogeyman that crawls and tramples over him. No sights of bleeding legs or her crying or screaming and much less present objectification of her body (which is something that i always think the horror genre has such a struggle not grabbing onto, sexuality is mostly always played up in assault stories especially if the victim is an adult woman), she remains a fully clothed figure and maintains the agency to her own demise, away from Jimmy and beside Curly, which is tragic and obviously still a symptom of horror´s proclivity to back female characters into corners of self inflicted punishment, but the alternative would have been that sooner or later, Jimmy would have killed her.

Its clear to me that the game used Curly´s state as a way to put a barrier between Jimmy and Anya, we dont objectify Anya, but we objectify Curly, Anya doesnt just feel pained and unable to handle Curly´s medication because shes in a sensitive state, her comments about his noises and such draws a line between her trauma and her perception of things as Her fault, she cant handle hearing his struggles and cries trying to swallow a pill because it reminds her of her own helplessness, so she leaves the task to Jimmy, someone who has no qualms in forcing someone down, the emphasis of every treatment as a repetitive process and the sound design is all very poignant and for me, a great way to handle assault as a metaphor, Curly did not consent to being in this position, it is very much still Jimmy´s fault and the fact that Jimmy is basically keeping him alive against his will even to the last moment of the game says everything, Jimmy doesnt love Curly the same way he doesnt love Anya.

The horses are not lost on me, i think horses as animals are often seen as "viril" symbols, strong and often volatile, they can be often hard to mount but when one does the rider and animal are seen as this one all powerful entity, like centaurs, which also carry symbolism of assaulters mind you, so while maybe not intentional on the dev´s part i think it still points to the Horse as a symbol still important in the game, the only spoken audio lines of dialog come from the Pony Express mascot Polle itself, and they are the first to actually confront Jimmy´s self centered line of thought and over-focusing on Curly, if the Tulpar is akin to a beast of a burden then Jimmy beat the dead horse way long ago.

All in this to say that Mouthwashing was a really good experience and i really hope the dev team is interested on expanding a bit more on it because i trust their vision.