#and like idk. i like oc stuff dont get me wrong but uh

[thedeafprophet]

im like 'damn why am i so hung up on the fact that im not interested in them just constantly introducing new characters' as if it isnt perfectly reasonable to be attached to the major characters you already knew and never had characer arcs resolved adkfkkkggkhkj

complex of the game i guess

I miss the reoccurring npcs

[bayfuzzball7050]

SIEMPRE SE PUEDE PEDIR TRADUCCIÓN‼️‼️‼️

INTRODUCTION POST AND RULES 🔥🔥🦾🦾🦾🦈🦈

(Edit— 23/09/2024) I kinda got excited writing this ☠️

There’s like a worrying amount of text. I’m not sure everyone can gut how much I wrote 😭😭

But here are like the basics of my blog:

The name’s César or Diego. Call me whatever ya want, idc

I’m a Trans Guy, he/him exclusively.

☆ I got that dawg in me (asd) actually pls be patient im a little slow on some things

☆ Artist — I mostly make jjba fanart (currently insane about it)

☆ Art requests are currently closed!!

When open: I draw anything but nsfw/kinks, complex backgrounds, Steven universe fanart, danganronpa fanart and proship stuff

☆ Writer (no fanfic here tho)

☆ if I use emojis, be aware that most of the time it’s ironic

☆ I make a lot of kys/kms jokes, if you’re not ok with this, please don’t follow

☆ i LOVE spammers, spam likes, reblogs, whatever as much as you like :3 (if ya want to like no pressure)

☆ if ya wanna be mutuals just ask I don’t mind I’ll just check yo vibe and that’s it

Art tag: #my art

Post tag/reblogs where I add something: #​☆ momazos diego

Quality posts tag (aka when I think): #chamber of reflection (reflexionando en la chamba)

Posting when I should be asleep tag: #trasnochadoposting

oc masterpost

brushes I use

BY THE WAY!!

☆ I usually don’t add tw (tho I dont post stuff with heavy themes often if I’m honest like I rarely do it) But if anything, be wary

☆ I also always have my notifications off so please don’t feel bad if I don’t answer a dm or anything of the sort

☆ please excuse me if I reblog/like artists who are proshippers, I don’t tend to check blogs before interacting🧍🏽(I’ve gotten myself blocked many times because of this)

☆ also like if they problematic in general like idk if maybe someone I reblogged has been in a big ahh controversy or summ so uhhh forgive me

☆ dni and fandoms im in below the cut

☆ more info abt me and my blog :P ☆

So, I think imma make(try) a dni list but ik it’s ultimately useless cuz like I can’t force ya and im not your dad plus I’m too lazy to look through every blog that reblogs or likes but uh blocklist ig???

It’s just basic dni criteria, but like if ya wanna read ig?

SHIT THAT GETS YA BLOCKED ‼️‼️

(some of these are oddly specific)

☆ zionists, racists, homophobes, ace exclusionists/phobes, anti-Semitics, conservatives, ableists Proshippers, Comshippers, anti-anti’s and profiction mfs, LOL1C0NS AND SHOTAC0NS (KYS…NOWW)Transphobes / TERFS, SWERFS, and radfems, Transmeds/Truscums/anti-MOGAI mfs, Transid, “Transabled”, "transracial", Radqueers in general, NSFW agere blogs (SFW agere it’s cool I don’t mind), pedos/MAPS (I want you hanging on the STREET), Paraphilics in general, Misgendering kink blogs, kink blogs in general actually ☠️, Pro-ANA/Pro-MIA

☆ swifties.

Exceptions and specifics:

☆ I think Selfshippers / yumeshippers are cool thus they aren’t hurting anyone most of the time AND ALSO! people tend to think that transid has therians in it and no, I think therians, kinnies and fictives are cool (dont get it but cool nonetheless)

To be honest I don’t check the blogs of most people who reblog or like but- Ricky…Ricky when I catch you Ricky-

(I mostly notice when I get followed but uh- anyway 😻)

THIN ICE:

☆ Giomis shippers

Why? giomis weirds me out💀ik the age gap small but still it’s kinda….

☆ dsmp fans

As much as I enjoy the Fanart and maybe the roleplay was interesting I have like personal beef with the fanbase and creators

☆ Hannibal Fans

The franchise is fire but I also have beef with Hannibal fans cuz for some reason most of them proshippers

☆ MHA fans for the same reason as Hannibal fans

☆ Same with South Park

☆ Same goes for Homestuck fans

☆ Same goes for Steven Universe fans. It’s mid btw

☆ ONE PIECE fans, y’all didn’t do anything wrong it’s just that I haven’t caught up with the show 😭😭

☆ NSFW blogs (as in porn/smut)

ANYWAY

Languages I speak:

☆ Spanish (mother language)

☆ English

☆ A tiny bit of Italian

FANDOMS IM IN (but I forget sometimes 😿)

☆ JJBA (what I post about mostly (going insane over this))

☆ Yakuza (I haven’t finished 0 yet)

☆ Brawl Stars (slowly losing my mind over it)

☆ WEIRD AL YANKOVIC

☆ LOST MEDIA. (Believe it or not, im also going insane over this.)

☆ Berserk

☆ Mouthwashing

☆ Madoka Magica

☆ ikigusare (best virtual girl band ever fr fr)

☆ Gorillaz

☆ Good Omens

☆ Moral Orel

☆ Dorohedoro

☆ My Little Pony

☆ Sonic fandom

☆ Undertale / Deltarune

☆ Breaking Bad / Better Call Saul

☆ El Cuarteto De Nos

☆ Azumanga Dioh!

☆ Vocaloid

☆ Project Sekai

☆ D4DJ

☆ Food Fantasy

☆ FNAF (grrrr I love fnaf,,)

☆ Emo / Scene / Scemo (I just don’t have money for clothes nor the patience to make a blog only for that 😭😭)

☆ actually like another shit ton more but I can’t remember 😔

Socials:

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball7050 (old account, permanently banned)

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball404 (Current Account)

☆ ofc Tumblr

☆ Wattpad and AO3 but we ain’t talking about that 🤫🧏‍♂️

☆ @bayfuzzball7050-art is my art blog (reblogs from here)

☆ …

☆ also I might or might not have a questionable side art blog (collect my shitposts)

☆ ALSO! opened a Pixiv :3

☆ I HAVE AN ARTFIGHT!

☆ Bluesky

Dis me btw

[l-amplights]

erm. patapon oc info post

no new art here., all stuff ive posted before. so if youre just here for that uhh might wanna skip over this one

also these arent insanely detailed yet im still working on it i just wanted to get a basic bio out for now i want to speak *something* about them :thumbsup:

ok first up uhh

orii :]

he goes by he/him and hes a regular mahopon, he wanted to be a megaton though unfortunately he was too short and lacks a mouth. despite that he taped a horn onto his staff and uses mahopon magic or somethin idk to make it work. he is not the brightest but hes moreso clumsy than anything else. he really admires any megapon or ton or men and may get distracted having a autism moment in the middle of a battle. also he doesnt have actual magic mant/cape vamp, he made this replica himself because it looks cool :>

ok next

Chicken

havent really decided on chickens pronouns yet they havent came to me so ill be using they to refer to chicken for now

anyway, chicken is a Chigyobi Cannogabang or if we pretend patapon 3 doesnt exist. a chigyobi robopon. theyre a gremlin who loves to make things explode. for fun. theyre also smaller than the average patapon but that will not stop their path of destruction. they are very energetic and fast and the kind of guy to go blehhh :P after breaking something :]

okkk next are zigotons

lets start with leitton my newest oc :>

(name pronounced like leit in leitmotif btw)

she goes by he/her and is a megaton and also a zigoton general (they kinda new ones after the events of pata 1 lmao) he takes her job quite seriously but can easily be flustered by compliments

shes quite neutral on the patapons not really seeing them as a enemy, but still keeps an eye out knowing theyve taken down many zigoton forces before

also. he is short. he wears stilts to seem tall.

short queen yippee

ok last one

Glunk.

he/him, yariton, he uses a donkanels fang

dont let his hat fool you, he is not a general or high ranking at all, he just likes this hat. he does want to be a general one day though, and looks up to the current ones a lot. hes not very good at fighting though and its honestly quite incredible hes still alive, though he is quite good at identifying what went wrong/what to improve on, unfortunately though a lot of the time people interprete it moreso as him looking down at them rather than constructive criticism :[ he gets very excited sometimes and someone else needs to take him out of a situation to help him calm down.

uh ok i ran out of things to say now anyway uh all my oc stuff at least rn takes place between pata 2 and 3

[callibones]

UM HI HI HI ITS ME. 🩸🟪 AND I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I AM VERY SORRY!!!

this week ive been exceptionally busy. a lot of stuff has been piling up for me with university and work and it didnt really give me a lot of time to look at tumblr OR read the fics! ill get to them! i didnt forget i swear ive just been EXHAUSTED this message is just being pulled out of my ass since i didnt expect to write to you today so i dont have any topics planned to ask you about. i didnt wanna take the time to think of something because i didnt want it to seem like i was ignoring your poast (despite the fact you wouldve never known if i had seen it or not .. but MENTALLY i'd feel bad, you know?) but uh. yeah

i don't know how people talk. um. how are you? has your week been particularly busy? what DO you do outside of tumblogging actually .. im curious

OH AND ALSO i very much appreciate the backstory info you gave me on callibones. i MIGHT take inspiration from it for my fanart? maybee? and uh i will send that to you SOON! very soon. i guess in the meantime id just wanna polish it more before sending it to someone out of like. principle?

i looked through your friends blog.. i like the concept of a blood bag person thing. there were probably better ways of saying that but IDK!! once again though i think it is Extremely Drawable so i have a small request ..

and regarding CALCIFER .. i think i would appreciate a deity to deity chat. or an potential acolyte to deity chat or I Mean Ha Ha. and those pronouns are Pretty Cool if i do say so myself! im worried directly sending in an ask would be strange so since you said you were friends with them can you parrot my question? i rlly wanna know whether drawing fanart of their OC is okay. sorry what else. im going to try and plan my next correspondence out ASAP so ill probably go through the cedardivine post before the post you made with a ton of fics? just because the list is shorter. idk what ill do after that--maybe ill rank them or something and you can tell me how wrong my opinion is or something Haha! just kidding im always right. i create new truths as we speak. as im typing this im overwriting just a little bit more of the world's knowledge. im just cool and awesome like that. theres nothing else i can think of at the moment to ask you.. OH UM when you mentioned callyris i realized "hey wait dont i know a blog called that" and Look Who It Was! so thats neat i also think i found another blog that may be under your posession but i dont think i can ask about it at the front desk.. so when i message you in some other manner ill probably ask you about that! who knows i might even be Completely Wrong

well anyways sorry for the delay. it will probably take a while longer for me to compose my thoughts so the delay will continue but. idk. i hope this message isnt TOO INCOHERENT but again i am not proofreading at all for this one.

also im definitely using gooby forever now. thats great. what a peculiar phrase.

GOOBY!!!!

hi hi hi hi! i took a million years to get back to this so NEVER apologize or rush about sending me things. anon asks r a tough way to communicate cause i dont got an online indicator for u so i just gotta guess... and u dont got a notification for me! i hope u see this even tho its been a bit.

ive been busy too cause university's also piling up for ME. i'm gonna respond to this one first, and then i'll take a crack at your mysterious coded message! and then i have to do a million homework because grad school. outside of tumblogging im trying to destroy the world with the infinite power amulet, so i'm majoring in general supervillainy! and also urban planning

for the blood bag: @rigormarcy LOVES fanart. marcy, if u see this, respond with your ref, 'cause you have a super drawable OC! the fans wanna draw u so bad. So Bad.

u found another blog that might b me? omg.... here. how bout this. send me an ask with just the name and i wont publish the response. if youre REALLY curious. but youre probably right, because i invented every blog on tumblr GOOBY

[beclight]

so uh.

i saw the news this morning and sparklecare is going 18+ and. to say im shattered would be an heavy understatement.

dont get me wrong, i understand why kneeby took this decision. but come on, i feel like it shouldve been 18+ from the beggining, not a third into the comic's public release. after many now "underage" people got foxated on it and have had 6yrs (reboot) to start reading it, and especially not after building a community, a fandom, that is mostly composed of autistic people that lowkey rely on it in their everyday life;;;;;

sparklecare was everything to me. everything.

(more personnal stuff and opinions under cut, i just needed to vent and let go. read tldr at bottom if lazy.)

it has been my main hyperfixation for more than a year and a half now. literally all i think about, all day. my only consistent fixation and the first one that lasted as long as it did since years, and was so prominent in my life. genuinely my only constant source of happiness that would help me through the hardest moments of the past nearly two years, and now its.. out of reach, gone, until i turn 18 in two years.

i hate to say this. i hate it so much, but its so, so disappointing. why was this comic, which is mostly aimed at mentally ill people lets not lie to ourselves (literally every single person i met within the community was autistic/nm and taken aback in the best way possible by the amout of mental health awareness and representation in the comic and it's AUs), taken back halfway through, after it has now become thousands of people's hyperfixation, and for the most, a life altering one..? its. so sad. ive been shaking all day i dont want it taken away from me, not now. not so soon.

as i said previously i understand kittycorn's decision n everything but considering the ENORMOUS amount of trigger warnings for literally evrrything on the site (which im not complaining about dgmw!!! i think its great to have sm and for everyone's triggers :] but you cant deny that not every warning is necessarily triggering to the biggest amout of peole reading it), -

- ,it feels like making the comic, the AUs, the fandom, LIKING the characters, and engaging in the community ALL 18+ ALL OF A SUDDEN in the middle of it is... too much?;

it may just be my opinion but considering how heavily everything is triggered, and how every slightly bloody/nsfw joke scene has a clean transcript avaible to replace it, it's kinda silly to me that everything has to be 18+ now.... kit's blogs i can understand, shes an adult and may not feel comfortable with engaging with minors anymore and that i understand and respect 100%!. but making all her previous current and future content and ocs un-likable by minors, even stuff that was released before TheGreatMinorBan™, considering how many people kin characters from sch, have it as their main hyperfixation and escape from the outside world, is way too much in my opinion, or the decision shouldve been announced and only enforced when a really triggering volume was about to get released(since now nobody can go back to make it 18+ from the start..). you can ask people to stop interacting personally with you or engage with your online profiles but taking away their hyperfixation for content that has been released for years without any real limit out of seemingly nowhere, after spending months teasing the future of your work.. is really disappointing. :/

i legit dont know what ill become for the next two years without sparklecare. i wouldve genuinely "unlucky-friend-of-hemera-that-has-their-limbs-attached-to-her" 'd myself if i hadnt stumbled accross it and idk how im expected to just? forget about it? for years untill i become 'of age' again to read.

i know lurking from alts is a thing but thats dogshit to me. i wanna interact with and be a part of the community, which is such an amazing one. i had sm art i wanted to make and share with the world. i dont want to not talk to anyone or pretend to be a person that i'm not to stay up to date with my favorite author's work and other bloggers' fanart surrounding it. feels scummy and would prolly hurt me more anyways.

tldr;

sch shouldve either been 18+ from the start - annoucned that itd become 18+ but kept at 15/16+ until the announcement of a RLLY triggering volume - or just kept at 16+ all along considering literally everything has trigger warnings anyways. idk it feels sooo shitty to develop an enourmous fixation on smth for years just for it to one day out of nowhere have it taken away from you in the middle of it's release because a character will verbally mentions j3rking 0ff in a volume released in 5yrs, and be expected to JUST FORGET IT EXISTS..

no hate for kc's decision, i understand and respect it, but it hurts like a bitch to have your fixation taken away from you, and in the middle of it too. ..

[deadinthename]

Hello father I am here requesting you tell me about 1 of your oc's. Tell me about them. Or Mamon (I think that's how you spell their name? It's been a few years). I want to hear about your ocs. Tell me about your ocs.

uh oh i gotta talk abt my ocs. that i barely think abt. uh oh ummm how about nikita from my apocalypse gang since the maemon has literally nothing going on lol. info under cut

heres some newer refs (months ago) i had for them when my pc was busted

and here are the 1st really old outdated refs (along w their 2 travel buddies)

the lore keeps changing based on what i think would make sense but the basic gist is that niki was formerly a soldier for a private military company (i dont really have a name for em lol), and everyone in it got augmented a lot and put through rigorous training,, the world everyone lives in is almost completely covered in snow bc of. something. nuclear holocaust? apocalypse? idrk yet but somns been wrong with the earth for a long time. bc of that soldiers go through a lot of horrible stuff and i think maybe they fight with other PMCs and stuff for limited resources kinda like in Fallout but thats less important!

niki did somn or other to get kicked out or escape the PMS, and he had to rough it in the cold on his own. electronics break down in extreme temperatures so his augmented leg(s? idk if its one or both rn) sometimes need repairs,, he s abt to stop in an old shack when he finds this doctor (angel, right side) and this teenager thats good with guns (sorrel, left side) in there, and they all decide to travel together for some reason or another. working that out too lmao

nikita's personality is kinda like a tired optimist, like they went through a lot of terrible stuff but they always try to find a way to make the best outta it. very huggable, ver loving. skilled in combat and big in heart... likes fishing and just wants to chill forever

i think. thats it for now

[fuka-petals]

incoherent and shit rambling on bakery abominations (my ocs) under cut

realized I never really just lore dumped here sooo... can't do too much because I actually am writing a novel (maybe vn if I get creative) abt them but so like they're silly cake people uh anatomy is basically boneless and organless but they have thicker cake layers on the inside that work as bones and they don't need organs because magic there is literally no explanation they're just like the abominations (get it) that just kinda defy all odds and exist, also they don't actually have like hair it's just frosting, their blood is also frosting, and like their teeth is sprinkles and eyes are just frosting and sprinkle stuff that kinda moves, their horns are also sprinkles (all this as in material wise idk) and like they can like die of they have no horns its like a health bar, they also have like silly kids by removing a horn and limb then attaching them then holy hell it fucking grows wtf they also all are constantly in pain due to their wings unless they dont have any or they are extremely light, and also they all look different because cakes have cool decorations, also like humanity is mainly extinct other than like a dozen ppl, anyways like the main 4 bitches are called the peace pastries and like it consists of shortcake (like the silliest main guy ever kinda mascot), zivix, litan, and lily, and like they're all really silly but also dumb but like they don't like shortcake's sister alice who is like a cultist like many of the other abominations because they all either have a god complex or believe those with a god complex really are gods so they worship them anyways alice is like a really shitty person and only values human lives and she also kills a ton of the other abominations and sews their parts onto herself as a sort of "look at me im superior to you" kind of thing so like they set off on a mission to make her sane but like he has basically no contact with her due to this so they gotta go find her by going and taking down other cults through words or force, also there's chantal who follows from a distant them out of an odd gut feeling, and litan avoids him like the plague which he doesn't get why but he has a suspicion about why so that's why he keeps following them, and like launcelot who made a contract with chantal about something that I don't wanna say just yet so like they basically own his soul but she just likes following him around and annoying him like a sibling would, and also there's loretta and spotty who are distant friends to the main silly guys so they're there sometimes... also the whole world is really surreal and freakish now and nothing really follows basic fundamental laws of the universe anymore because it's kinda breaking down, so kinda like a labyrinth from madoka magica but the whole world, also most eat eachother because they're all sweet tooths and have no sense of right or wrong also there's no technology because zivix is a bitch and somehow broke it worldwide while trying broadcast his hyperfixations cause why not it's pretty obvious idk how to write but idc I'll make my shitty story if ppl like it or not

[inkdemon-whore]

when you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ♡

Btw i dont care if youre proship

bro my phone yeeted the fuck outta my response, anyway uuuuhhhhh

i've been engaging in more media lately, can actually sorta kinda cook, i've been actually doing at least some stuff with some ocs which is great i never use my lil guys, i've been doing some introspection, and uh.... idk, breathing is nice?

i don't really have fav followers, let alone 10, plus i wouldn't be surprised if some of my "faves" are some ppl who left or where just, the most engaged with my content

i appreciate you tho owo uwu

anyway, i know this isn't really in your ask, but it feels sorta relevant, to me at least. i've kinda been thinking about, like, platforming, i guess? and how audiences see creators, and really just, how i go about making content. not super in depth, but like, worrying if my art style is too soft and squishy for me to get into darker/taboo topics, or if i'm some how pulling in the wrong crowd. i don't know any of you, i can take a guess, but at the end of the day, i'll never know why any of you people like my content, or what you're "here for". because i can only ever hope it's for me, and not just the stuff i make, which is probably a bad mindset to have as a creator on the internet, especially tumblr dot fuck off. not gonna bore ya with this shit, i'm still meditating on it, rollin it around in my head, yada yada, so yeah

uuuuhhhhhh there's gonna be some stuff posted in like, march, i think? end of feb sorta? i don't remember, it's scheduled bruno x mirabel art i did not too long ago, so again, to anyone who doesn't wanna see that stuff, blacklist the tag "tw ship"

imma also take the time here to say, yeah, no, i haven't really been doing the whole "break" thing i said i would, it's kinda hard not to sneak in here when i can just type in the password, so, imma key smash a new password, and try to not worry about this place for a bit

if i get like a call out post or somethin when i'm gone........................... idk, i'm not sure if i'd wanna hear about it, i've had quite a few, and though i know i can defend myself and whatnot, i'm getting really close to "why even bother" territory.

if ya want anything from me, fiction doesn't equal reality, but it can be a representation of reality, and sometimes reality is fucking gross and uncomfortable, and art can be a safe place/way to explore those ideas without.... idk, sleeping with my uncle? like, don't, don't sleep with you're uncle, like, i shouldn't have to hold your hand and say that, i expect you people to be intelligent enough to know the difference between non-existent characters and real people, but also like, if that kinda content/relationship triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, then yeah you have every right to unfollow, or even block me.

anyway, that's my final think thunks here, maybe they're a mess, i don't know, i don't care, i've been looming over this blog for too long already about this, and i should probably leave, so, mmmmmmmlater, maybe in like....................................................................... fuck it, i'm not putting a time frame on it, just know this is officially a hiatus until it's not

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[did-i-do-this-write]

RWBY Meets Paragon

Paragon is an original story I have been working on since I was sixteen. RWBY is my current hyperfixation. I could not shake these ideas from my mind until I wrote them down. So here is what I think would happen if my OCs from this story met the cast of the anime RWBY :)

- First things first: Nate and Ozpin would vibe

- Reese and Qrow start off hating each other. They both have protective natures that clash.

- Qrow challenges Reese to a fight and they are DEAD EVEN

Reese: “You know, what Branwen. You’re alright.”

Qrow: “You’re not so bad yourself, Reese.”

THEY BECOME BROS

- Reese exclusively calls Qrow “Branwen” and Qrow finds out about Reese’s old nickname (RJ) and he’s the only person in two universes allowed to use it

(Well, Nate could probably get away with it but… whatever)

- Reese reveals that he loves mechanics and is secretly a nerd and Qrow just breaks - now they can vibe

- Reese is ace but I kinda wanna come up with a bromance ship name for them now…

ON THE ROCKS

THAT’S IT

- Reese finds out that Qrow has a major crush on Ozpin and his first reaction is “JESUS CHRIST, NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!”

- Nate discovers that Ozpin reciprocates and tells Reese and they cannot fucking believe it

Nate: “WHY DO WE ATTRACT GAY IDIOTS WHO DONT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE???”

Reese: “I don’t know. But at least we have practice.”

Nate: “Same plan as last time?”

Reese: *sighs* “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Cloqwork and Ocean Breeze aka the bane of Reese and Nate’s existence

I cannot stop thinking about this now, I love all of them so much.

Ok, moving on

- Kay’s element can literally charge Nora’s semblance!!!! Nora LOVES IT. They become really close when they realize they are combat compatible

- Ruby becomes OBSESSED with Nic when she finds out how good she is with mechanics (including but not limited to weapon design and building)

- Reese and Nic WITH Qrow and Ruby?????? Oh my god, the power, I love it already

(I need to clarify - Kay basically vibes with everyone)

- Idk why, but I feel like Matt and Jaune would be buds. Matt would also love Chibi Ren, so that’s who I’m thinking of here.

(Wait, who am I kidding? Matt also vibes with everyone)

- No one in the faction trusts Ironwood

(ok, so maybe not everyone)

- All of the residents of Remnant are so fucking confused to learn that the faction has never used aura

Ruby: “What do you mean ‘it’s not a thing’???”

Kay: “I don’t know what to tell you! We don’t have ‘aura’! We just don’t get hit!”

Yang: “That sounds… exhausting…”

Kay: “Thanks, it is.”

- Glynda is so happy to have someone else with kinetic powers around. Now Nic can help clean up the fucking messes RWBYJNPR make (although Nic is basically the same age as a student)

- Nic is Glynda’s favorite outside of that, too. Sometimes they talk shit about Oz in front of him using Nic’s telekenetic connection

Not maliciously, just like stupid stuff

They both love him but also they can’t stand him, you know?

- The teasing that happens when RWBYJNPR learn that Matt and Shaun are a thing??? Oh my god, it’s relentless.

- KAY IS SO EXCITED TO SHARE THEIR COMBINED PAIRED TEAM NAMES

Sandstorm?

Firewall?

Shockwave?

DRAGON’S BREATH????? RUBY LOSES HER FUCKING SHIT!

“AHHHH THAT’S SO COOL!!!!”

- When Kay tells them that she calls Matt and Shaun ‘Ocean Breeze’????? It’s a real life ship for her, she is very invested

- Yang and Nora become invested, too, it’s hilarious

- When she tells them about the weapon names, on the other hand, they are so confused

Ruby: “You named your weapon 'Florence'?”

Yang: “Sounds more like an eighteenth century widow than a weapon name.”

Kay: “You say that as if that’s not the vibe I was going for.”

(Does the faction bring Tide or Flame? Idk, I want them to. Not sure how that would work… )

- They all compare notes about the different monsters they face: Ruby is jealous because the Mythic have more variety, are more colorful, and sound cooler

Kay: “You- You’re jealous???”

Ruby: “Yes!!!! You’re monsters are so much cooler than ours!!!!”

Qrow: “I actually agree with her…”

Reese: “The fuck is wrong with you people?????”

- Reese could crush a Beowulf with his bare hand- not really, but it would be so fucking easy for him to fight one, he might as well

- Ozpin is FUCKING TERRIFIED OF NIC

“What if she reads my mind? What will she hear? Will she ask questions?”

YES, YES SHE WILL

She’s paranoid, let her live

She IMMEDIATELY tells Nate

Nic: “I- I don’t think the headmaster is… uh… normal.”

Nate: “Nic… what have I told you about reading people’s minds without their knowledge?”

Nic: “Nate, that’s not the point! He was talking to himself!”

Nate: “Nic, that’s called thinking.”

Nic: “NOT LIKE THAT, ASSHOLE!”

Now the faction has to fight two wars

Oh fuck

If anyone would like to actually learn what the fuck some of this means, feel free to send me an ask! These interactions now live in my head rent free, thanks.

[unseeliekey]

do you have any writing tips for ?intermediate? writers (been writing awhile, know basics but still feel like im missing something)? your fics are so so so AMAZING and i look up to you as a writing icon

first of all thank you so much??? that's literally so flattering omg??

also!! I actually have another ask I'm working on about my writing process specifically and i was going to write a bit about how i block out plot there, so I'll just do general advice here!!!!! I actually haven't been in an english class for about 5? years? (dropout club ✌) but i DO study theater and I borrow a lot of character techniques from there!

my first piece of advice is to enjoy what you're doing. my second is to know where you're going with it- I actually make up a lot as i go along and make last minute edits, but I tend to have an idea of the vague theme of the piece- if not when I start writing, at least before I post.

I'm a big fan of foreshadowing and recurring themes!!! idk I just think they're neat!! at the beginning of a story, I usually set out what themes I want to explore, and then pick out some specific imagery that I think fits in with that? (for example- you've got the right was coffee, rooftops, tending wounds, greed; therefore you and me was tv, memory, plants. and that was what I initially mapped out, the way I handled those changed and i added more throughout the stories. kattar shuffle, so far, is: cards, eyes, morality. spoilers.) I think having little bits of imagery that repeat semi-frequently throughout the story can really add to the overall theme and tone? (and they're good filler if you're stuck for descriptions or pacing.)

ummm hm. I try to be conscious of how I'm beginning my sentences? this is baby stuff but I sometimes rephrase things to get a little more variation. I also think repetition can be really useful if applied deliberately! I sort of. try to view my writing as being very like. sort of the characters' internal monologues? which I think helps with the flavor a little!!!

OOOH and. get a good soundtrack!! I curate my writing playlists VERY carefully and I usually end up listening to one/two songs for about an hour while I work on a specific scene, because you gotta have the Tone. you may have noticed from the fact I steal pretty much every title from a song (I'm bad at titles) that I rely on music quite a bit! I steal soundtracks from movies, tiktok, my parents. the music I listen usually makes me feel more confident about me carrying the tone of a scene which makes me feel better about my writing which! maybe makes it better who knows!

um! write poetry for a while! read poetry! im definitely very inspired by confessional poetry- I read a lot of plath when I was younger and now I read things like hes so masc and i thought we'd be famous and! I think poetry is hugely helpful!! good poets (particularly in "modern" or confessional poetry which isnt really constrained too much by traditional rhythm and therefore is a little closer to prose) are really excellent and condensing down a lot of emotions and ideas into a handful of lines. I dont think much has ever hit me as hard as "warm and human, then their pink light / bleeding and peeling".

be overdramatic and pretentious! push at reality. I dont CARE that chloroform cant gas a whole room full of people and that general anesthetics are hard to dose and potentially dangerous!!! i do not care about realistic amounts of alcohol or the timing of music! be wrong with confidence! most people won't mind as long as it doesn't conflict with the world of the story as a whole.

get a solid grasp on your characterization! I watch and read a lot of meta and also a lot of other fanfic, but at the same time I... dont entirely let other people's interpretations define my own? I think it's good to come to your own idea of how a character acts! (this is. for fanfic specifically but also! play with the characterization of your ocs, too! mine have gone through a lot of changes after I've received feedback from other people and adjusted/doubled down on their behaviour.)

I guess uh. the best thing I can say is to really devote yourself to a story! make a playlist. make a pinterest board. imagine amvs and other people's reactions!!! I. spend around four hours writing daily and SIGNIFICANTLY more time thinking about my current brainworms. I fall asleep listening to music and thinking of an amv I would make for kattar shuffle if I were. able to animate or draw consistently. the more you think of it, the more scenes or imagery pop up, and the more little snatches of dialogue and interactions you want occur to you. note these down!! I have a lot of notes that wont be relevant for chapters and chapters but I note them anyway and when I do get to write those scenes it's always so fun.

uh also. I recommend roleplaying. not even for fandoms theres a lot of servers you can join to play with OCs. roleplaying definitely made me a better writer. it's also definitely helped my characterization for fanfic.

anyway!!! that's all I can think of now I'm sorry!!!! tbh I. just vibrate with it really but i think all this stuff is what i find personally helpful!!!!! sorry this is so long!!!!

[doctorguilty]

alright here’s how I’d rewrite Infinite and ergo some of the plot points of the games story.. it  got long i got a little carried away lol........................ 

Infinite’s name probably isn’t that before he becomes a tool of destruction thing but I don’t care all that much to name him something else rn 

he also doesn’t have a sword because that’s really not necessary and I don’t know how to make that relevant at all 

forget the mercenary thing because it makes no sense that he was “hired” by eggman and that’s also boring. The jackal squad is a nomadic, robin hood type group that steals from bad folks to help other animal people villages in need 

to make character relationships.. matter a little bit more, OC is a long time childhood friend of Infinite and they still see one another a decent amount despite the jackals moving around

I don’t really care how or why the phantom ruby exists in fact I’m just realizing there’s a huge discontinuity because according to the COMIC it just.. existed arbitrarily like a chaos emerald, but according to the GAME it seems to be something Eggman fabricated, since there’s “prototypes” in play??? hm hm okay you know what I’m feeling ambitious let’s make both make sense. There is one true phantom ruby that exists, eggman finds it, where ever I don’t care. some legend about, this ruby can bring your ultimate fantasies to life! EXCEPT you need to have, idk, a good heart, a heart of gold, to use it and eggman doesnt have that so he can see the illusion of his empire but it wont become reality 

eggman thinks okay well, maybe if I fabricate copies of it I can make a version that will work, which I reckon doesn’t make them “prototypes’ anymore but just, copies, but close enough. however, they still don’t work 

now cut to jackal squad raiding eggman for his cool shit. maybe they catch wind about this whole “bring your fantasies to life” power and want to use it for good and they know eggmans vibes are rancid. in any case the jackals make off with a ruby (a FAKE one uh oh!) but not without infinite losing an eye and gaining one big unsightly scar from a fight w/ eggman and he’s like Shook about that but he’s like hm well at least I stopped that terrible guy from harnessing this power (oh no bitch u thought..) 

of course the jackals dont keep their spoils but WHO ever could be trusted with this legendary gem thing?!? oh none other than You, Original The Character, aka Infinite’s best friend .............. so he gives the ruby to OC and tells them like, idk allegedly this can make ur dreams come true but I don’t know how it works...oh my eye? yeah I sure used to have two of those but dont worry about it, anyway ttyl stay fresh  *saunters off, jackaly* 

because the fake!ruby is.. fake, it just seems to be a dud at first so OC just hangs onto it as a keepsake 

eggman, pissed about his shit getting stolen and worried what could be done with it sends robots out to hunt down infinite, kidnap him, and drag him back to eggman’s base and demand the fake!ruby back. infinite naturally refuses to tell him anything especially at the cost of putting OC in danger, so he’s like, blow it out your ass

eggman is like HAHA WELL U DUMB SHIT you stole a fake anyway and I have the real one right here.. he uses the ruby to suddenly spawn a bunch of robots and infinite braces himself for the attack... except they go right through him because they’re just illusions. eggman is like FUCK !! DAMMIT! WHY WONT THIS SHIT WORK!! Infinite uses eggman’s tantrum time to rush in to snatch the ruby. when infinite touches it as its in eggman’s hand, however, all the illusion robots become “real” (probably conveying this through effects/opacity), taking them both by surprise. infinite is unable to take the ruby before getting hit with a full force attack from a robot 

infinite is incapacitated and eggman grins,  like, inch resting...................... you seem to be able to make the ruby work... I will now use you for malicious purposes >:) (cut to black) 

NOW when Infinite is in the tube, 1) he already has his mask because the scene with him putting it on and monologueing about abandoning his old identity is unnecessary, it’s more symbolic here, 2) he’s amnesic and I know we did that with shadow already and I don’t mean to overuse it, but I think it works well enough in a different way for this story! Shadow had some fragments of memories and an identity crisis, but with Infinite, his memory is completely wiped (or perhaps suppressed?) and his only understanding of himself is that he was “created” to work for eggman. Even MORE importantly! the stakes are raised because of Infinite’s relationship to the OC--Infinite cannot remember them which makes attacking them a lot more heart wrenching ESPECIALLY when we get to a point where OC begins to recognize their brainwashed best friend using one of the (apparently) very same rubies given to OC to try to destroy them with

this also adds more tension to all the scenes where Infinite is taunting and threatening OC on a quite personal , rivalry-like level? Infinite would, over time, begin to get an inexplicable sense of familiarity with OC, which causes him to hesitate and hold back 

oh and as for the fake!ruby, OC does use it to defend himself just like the first time! it ends up being successfully activated because OC shows a strong will to protect the other civilians. if you haven’t caught on to my cheese, both OC and Infinite have hearts of gold and thats why they can use the rubies. eggman is cheating though by fusing Infinite to the ruby and using him as a proxy for his bad will..... and again, coming back to the cheese, Infinite’s heart cannot be changed and he is not truly “evil” so that’s like, how this is working 

I’m way too lazy to fix everything scene by scene because there’s also just SO MUCH wrong with all the other characters and plot but I’m just focusing on fixing Infinite and making him more interesting so I’m skipping to the end..  

I’m not entirely sure how I’d order the bosses and what I’d wanna do with the eggman robot phases  the whole things was a big mess............I kinda wanna go with what I THOUGHT was going to happen after beating up giant robot thing and then that squid robot breaks out??? and I thought it was going to be Infinite cause that would be much more dramatic? So lets go with that---When Eggman says like, well fuck infinite who needs him? i harnessed the power of the ruby into my robot, he means he literally trapped Infinite in it like, wired up and shit to use him like a power generator. fucked up. Infinite breaks out after that phase of the battle, and he’s like, in so much pain and glitched out on overclocked energy he cant even control what he’s doing.... commence TRUE final boss battle (it can still be a tagteam with sonic), and it’s sad and dramatic! OC pleads (or I reckon sonic, maybe the other heroes too since they talk during fights! like since OC doesnt talk) infinite to remember his true self because they dont want to destroy him 

once you’ve depleted his health bar, I’m going to go ahead and use the game’s weird addition of quicktime events to fuel more cheesiness (B/C THIS IS SONIC...WHY DID THEIR “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” MORAL END ON SUCH A BLAND, UNEMOTIONAL NOTE IN FORCES??? shadow didnt fall to his (alleged) death in sa2 for this..............) and you quicktime OC HUGGING Infinite, like jumping towards him and grabbing him in an embrace type of thing! and when OC makes contact with the ruby, it activates, making all the probably hostile glitchy  battle terrain or whatever dissipate, infinite stops being like.. idk lookin like he’s being electrocuted, and his mask fades away .. exposing Infinite as his true self once again 

the in between the lines intent here, again since OC doesn’t talk, is that OC’s fantasy was to bring Infinite back so they could be together again. you’re welcome to interpret that as romantic, or platonic, it doesn’t matter! it’s open ended! it’s just supposed to be cute!  

idk and then emotional stuff, I’m not entirely sure what it doesn’t really matter the idea is that Infinite is like, remorseful of what happened but everyone ofc forgives him because it’s not his fault , and then he joins up with with everyone to help fix the world! hmm I’m torn between Infinite keeping the true phantom ruby or giving it to the OC, like giving it to the OC makes sense, but for the sake of like, hypothetically bringing Infinite back in a future game and having special powers, it would be perfect if he kept it and that was his thing, he uses the power of virtual reality to help people and fight evil and whatever  

I dont know I guess there’s not a lot of sense in thinking too hard since I just remembered none of this is canon whatsoever and we’re probably not seeing Infinite again unless as a stock evil thing to beat up like metal sonic 8′) 

I have no idea who i wrote this for I guess myself! Idk if anyone else played forces or cares or w/e but! if you DO happen to be someone who read this and cares about it omg well like feel free to! comment and tell me what you think!!!  this was all very stream of thought

[ahumansvoid]

DC comic WIP folder

I called this DC Comic, but it’s Batman.

These are all 100% based on Batman/Batfam.

Well. Mostly Damian. I liked him as a character

Since this is all one fandom, I’ll put the title I have for the doc in bold before talking about the WIP.

Also a couple of these are both bullet-point outlines and written out stuff. So I’ll post a bit from each if possible.

Also. Warning for swearing. I swore a lot with these.

Who F*ckin Knows

Wonderful title by me. So this fic would’ve centered around Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown, and Damian Wayne. It was an AU where the three of them get sent to an alternate timeline in which none of them ever existed/interacted with Bruce (So Jason never stole Batman’s tires, Steph’s dad never became Cluemaster and she never became Spoiler. Damian straight up doesn’t exist) and the Batfam’s life is better for it.

Now this isn’t necessarily true, and it isn’t in this story. Because what actually happened was they were cursed to an alternate timeline of what they think the Batfam’s life would be like without them in it. And because (at least how I wrote them) these three have self-esteem issues and whatnot, on a subconscious level, they believe the Batfam would be better off without them being in it. So in this alternate timeline, the Batfam is better off without them.

So when the trio goes to this alternate timeline, they’re not together. Jason is with Dick which leads to this interaction I’ve outlined:

And really the only bit I have written is later on, when in this world, Jason, Damian and Stephanie get arrested and Damian’s parentage is discovered. Now because they believe Bruce is better off without them, they haven’t contacted him at all. So this is kind of the last thing they want and also Damian doesn’t want to risk getting separated from Jason and Stephanie. Also I made social services the enemy which, considering Damian’s 13 and neither Steph or Jay have any legal claim to him, is valid. They want to keep Damian and Social Services could take him away.

Still, this lady I wrote is not nice.

This is Bruce’s POV. I have this outlined a lot, but not much written. And it would be a large undertaking to write this out. Especially as I’m not that into Batman anymore.

Kitten

A Damian-is-raised-by-Selena-instead-of-Bruce AU.

That’s it.

This is the only thing in this file.

??? Idk. 

idfk-notes

What the fuck. Uh. I dont- this is aptly named? Because i don’t fucking know what shit I was doing.

So this AU starts out with Damian deciding rather than go to Bruce when Ra’s wants his body, he hides on his own because obviously Ra’s would go to Bruce because Bruce is Damian’s dad and that’s the obvious hiding place. So, Damian strikes out on his own.

That’s normal. I could maybe write something with that.

Then I get into Damian being a stripper?!?!? He’s an adult at the time. Chill. But stil ????? I- I don’t know.

Also. Damian steals from Jason. Which is fun?

Also. There’s nothing wrong with writing this. I’m sure I could go find a dozen fics on this premise or similar, I have no problem with Damian being a stripper or whatever. 

My problem is that sixteen (maybe?) year old me thought I could write this??? I can’t write this now and I have no idea what mini me was thinking. This isn’t. No. This isn’t something I can really write. I wouldn’t try because either I would fail or I wouldn’t be able to do it justice. 

Also it is very clear I wrote this before I fully understood bullet points on google docs and shortcuts and it bugs me.

Hopefully this will be fluffy

So this AU is one where Robin War never happens. But Duke’s parents are still jokerized or whatever and he’s taken into foster care where they want him to do trauma counselling. Coincidentally, the trauma counseller he goes to (group sessions because why not) is also running a drug ring. So Damian is sent in by a superhero team (I don’t think I specify or I’m jumping over it when I read) to infiltrate and find the drug ring leader and whatnot.

He succeeds, but Alfred keeps driving him to the Trauma Counselling sessions so Damian keeps going to them and befriending Duke.There are also some other friends (OCs) and what ends up happening is a) this friend group hangs out outside of the group therapy sessions and b) Damian gets a crush on Duke.

Hijinx and whatnot ensue. Including:

Kind of just a simple little AU I never bothered to finish. I just lost inspo I guess.

Damian Wayne Coraline AU

Not really. Im reasonably sure this was inspired by something but I can’t remember at the moment. Not Coraline. Anywho, so in this au, Damian finds a mirror verse of his family essentially. Honestly I don’t know where I was going with this and I can’t really figure it out.

But have this funny excerpt:

Don’t really know much about this WIP.

“Why do I need to cover for you

Back to first sentence of the fic being the title. So, I have this written without any outline. But I still remember where I’m going with this fic despite being nowhere near it. So, Damian is 17, soon to be 18 (like a week or two out), per tradition he gets into a big fight with Bruce, he leaves, he talks to Dick. Blah blah. Damian ends up covering for Dick as Nightwing while Dick covers for Bruce as Batman. 

During this time they fight a witch/warlock/random magic user #5 who makes all the adults children.

Damian isn’t technically an adult. But they were fighting this magic user with Jason, Tim, Dick and Damian. So now Damian gets to deal with a bunch of batfam children and I don’t remember if I had a plan after that. I just remember almost adult Damian dealing with kid Jason, Tim and Dick.

This is as far as I got before I stopped (idky)

So this is literally Dick giving Damian a pep talk after Damian comes to him after his fight with Bruce. So I did not get far with this fic. And there is literally no indication on the doc what direction I intend to go with this. Which is interesting.

And that’s it for the DC comic folder. Fun. I’m sad and tired now. Also it’s 3 am. So Imma go to bed and finish this WIP show tomorrow. Good night!

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Art Tag Game

Retagged by @ghostplantss for writing (haha thanks for letting me be... Vain? Is that the right words for allowing self indulgence regarding self involved behavior? Idk haha)

1. one insecurity

- I guess I'm not all that insecure about writing bc I write to get ideas out of my head and dont really care how people feel about it. Like it's trash and I'm not a writer so if you read it, that's on you

2. Two fears

- getting anything factually wrong/logical inconsistency

- I write very obnoxiously. There's a weird line in dialogue between okay and shut the fuck up and i lean heavily toward the latter

3. Three (art) Turn-Ons

- good dialogue (I'm a dialogue snob)

- big feelings

- doing something interesting rather than leaning on the canon for the plot direction (at least for fanfics)

4. Four Life Fandom/Art Goals

- stop being depressed so i can write again haha

- Take more time on stuff (not gonna happen, I write as fast as I can)

- write all of my many many enjoltaire AUs

- write some original stuff for my ocs (not to share, just for me haha)

5. Five Things I Like Drawing Creating in this Medium

-  rambling dialogue

- convoluted plots

- stories where the characters suffer....

- exploring ideas i think are interesting

- surrealism (even though it's hard and i suck at it. i hate how grounded things are)

6. Six Weaknesses

- i start to get possessive of characters after I write them and that makes reading fics about them super stressful, especially if i know the author

- i put way too much thought into justifying things to myself that literally no one would even think to care about

- at a certain point i write more compulsively than for fun

- i hate describing things bc i really dont care about the scenery, more interested in dialogue and overall plot

- i write slash fiction but I'm really more interested in the plot so the romance always feels weird and tacked on

- dyslexic

7. Seven things I love

- cosmic/psychological/regular horror

- agonizing slow burns

- for moral reasons I'm not saying I enjoy reading unhealthy relationships but uh anyway...

-  i adore absurdity so much

- bittersweet endings

- laying out the plot of a story

- ideas that stick with me long after I've read them

- feedback is nice, it's interesting to see how other people interprete things

8. Tag Eight people

Anyone who wants to, i tagged people the first time so uh there we go

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG