#and its interesting because the self harm scar is actually making it easier to understand the image in 3d space

[the1312daysofchristmas]

im getting emo over the reference photo i took for a drawing. wentz wishes he had my sadboy swag.

[artemys-ackles]

Thank You Supernatural.

I’m newer to this fandom than some of you. I haven’t been watching since the pilot aired 15 years ago on this day. But the thing about this show is that you could only have been watching for a week and it will still reach parts of your soul you didn’t know you had. I meant to write this post when they shot the last episode. Hell I’ve been meaning to write this post since they announced it was gonna be the last season but I could never muster up the courage to come clean about how deeply this show and this family has touched me. This post will be extremely personal and speak on topics that may be triggering to some as I will be discussing my experiences with depression self harm and suicidal thoughts viewer discretion is advised.

Six years ago I had never seen an episode of Supernatural in my life which is actually insane to think about considering the fact that Supernatural now is my life. I have always been a hardcore fangirl when it came to the shows that I watched and at that point in time I was heavily in The Vampire Diaries fandom and had no interest in exploring new shows but my best friend @demon-butt-party had been bugging me for years to watch SPN and I had shot her down every time but one day I was sitting in my living room watching TVD and a comercial came on... “John and Mary husband and wife bring home a brand new life. His name is Saaammy I’m big brother Dean.” Those lyrics of course from the opening number of Supernatural The Musical in episode 10x05 Fanfiction. Needless to say I was intriged.

Things were going well in life for me at that time but then something not so great happened… I’ve never talked about this on my blog before because but I’ve been living with a (mostly) undiagnosed chronic illness since I was 5 years old. It’s been many, many, MANY years of struggling within the medical system trying to get the help and the answers I need with little to no luck but the point is at that moment I had been feeling alot better and was managing well but I got a huge flair up in late October of 2014. I ended up in the hospital for a week and had 2 surgeries but worst of all for me I ended up having to leave school. Permanently. So suddenly I had all this time on my hands and nothing to do so I thought to hell with it lemme watch this damn show and in a single night my life changed forever. I dove head first into the fandom although, I have to admit I kept forgetting Jared and Jensen’s names 🤦🏾‍♀️ . I’ve had chronic insomnia since I was 8 so when I couldn’t sleep I would just watch the show or watch these weird things called “Supernatuarl Conventions” 😆 which i’d never heard of despite there being one right in my hometown of Chicago EVERY YEAR since 2007. That summer has been agreed upon by my family as the worst of our lives this has to do with many things which I won’t get into as they are personal to more people than just me but just know it really sucked all around and some really bad shit was happening to myself and the people that I love. In all that chaos we ended up having to move which I was not happy about (and 5 years and 3 moves later i’m still not happy about) but we had no choice so we packed up our family home which we had lived in since just before I was born and moved to suburbia God help us all.

I was already an angsty teen by that point but all of the shit we’d just been through tipped me over the edge. I felt unheard. I felt unseen. And I felt unloved. And the only thing I had to keep me company was Supernatural. I’m not gonna lie shit got pretty dark for me that year. I’d been suffering from depression for a long time but had always managed to suppress my own feeling in an attempt to make things easier for my family as they dealt with their own troubles but I thought it was my turn to be taken care of, my turn to be loved. But that was not the case. My illness progressed at a rapid rate and the depression kept pace along side it. I was so lonely I woke up everyday and just felt like a ghost. And then I started cutting. People don’t talk about self harm like it’s an addiction, but thats exactly what it is. You’re chasing a high the same as any drug addict or alchohalic. I would cut and wake up with a smile I would feel like myself again but deep down I knew I was just becoming more and more empty.

At the end of that year we had to move again and I was in the worst condition I’d ever been in mentally. I didn’t leave my room that day. I didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat or drink anything. I didn’t even move. I just layed there wishing I were dead. Wishing I couldn’t feel the pain, the sickness, or the longing for all that I had lost. But that was all I felt. I layed there in my bed fighting myself for my own life. And do you know what saved me? I closed my eyes and saw Dean Winchester sitting on my bedside. He sat there and told me I had to keep fighting. He told me all the things I could hear but no longer understand from my family, That he loved me that he cared. And standing behind him I saw Sam and Cas and all the characters I’ve loved over the years they all came to save me. But in the end I saved me. After hours of internal battles I got up and told my Mom I needed to talk to her. I had been hiding my struggles from my family long enough, It was time to come clean. The next day I woke up and wrote AKF on my wrist over my scars.

That was 4 years ago and things haven’s gotten all that much easier. I am now completely homebound and legally disabled. I only leave the house for Doctors appointments or to visit my grandparents. I haven’t cut in 3 years but its been a slippery fuckin’ slope. The last time was after I almost died due to a double antibiotic resitant infection in my port. But through all the bullshit one thing has remained Supernatural has been with me on my darkest days to keep me company and keep me safe when nobody else would. My dog Swayzee had to be put down 2 years ago after the vet found that he had cancer that had spread to all of his bones and we only had one night to day goodbye. He was my best friend and had been with me since I was 7. He was my insomnia buddy and would stay with my when I couldn’t sleep so that I wouldn’t be alone. That night as my sister and I slept in the living room with him for his final night I listened to these 2 videos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lWuLI4slXk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODEN0SJsHpY

Supernatural was all I had left. When I can’t sleep because i’m having nightmares about my father I watch videos of Jensen to make me feel safe and remind me that they’re are good men out there who can be trusted. When I’m lonely I think about how Misha cares about all of us so deeply and it makes me feel loved again. When i’m sad I watch videos of Jared being the chaotic goofball that he is and suddenly i’m not so sad anymore. 

We are called the Supernatural Family for a reason and in some ways Supernatural has been more of a family to me than my actually family has the last few years. I love this show with every fiber of my being. I love this family with my whole heart bottom, top, middle and valves. The idea of living without it is actually terrifying. But I know that I will get through it, And so will you. Because we will always keep fighting. And we will always carry on.  Because that’s what our boys would want for us. 

So I just want to say thank you Supernatural for saving my life and the lives of so many others. And always remember no matter what happens in the last few episodes, Sam and Dean Winchester, Castiel, Jack, Bobby and all the others will live on forever in our hearts.

- Sincerely, Jade. 💃🏽

[jvnisms-blog]

♡♡          hey babes !! it’s ya gal charmi at it again, the mun of azami, with yet another chaotic child on my hands. meet jung woojin and find out more about him below the cut & hit me up for plots or like this and i will slide into your messages !! before you read on please be aware of these triggers: tw: eating disorder mention, tw: depression mention, tw: anxiety mention, tw: self harm mention, tw: parental death mention, tw: suicide mention, tw: domestic abuse mention. all of these are brief and very vague however i want y’all to be safe !! without further ado: 

BACKSTORY: 

was in and out of the adoption system most of his life and went to many toxic homes and families that were neglectful or abusive because he wasn't the perfect child they had dreamed of. at first thought he was never going to be fostered at all because he wasn't the ideal age or considered young enough really for many family setups to want him. 

was separated from his brother in the adoption system and has never fully got over it since they grew up closer than ever due to their circumstances and were more like twins. strongly believing for a long time they were the only ones who could look out for each other and make the miserable upbringing worth fighting through. he still believes he's the only one who can really protect his brother and tears himself apart thinking of how he might have suffered without him, if it was the same way he did. 

the father died of alcohol issues and early set heart failure. the mother decided in her grief and mourning she could not cope with the boys and got rid of them before taking her own life. both parents were fairly young when they had the boys, too young really. 

the boy grew up believing he was a monster and that he was far too violent for loving or to be loved. that he only brought destruction and damage everywhere he went. simply put he was too rough around the edges. 

was taught to believe that if he simply kept quiet and out of the way maybe his foster parents would love him more and he could make his life there more bearable.

his school and teachers did nearly find out but he always lied and covered it up well, in fact lying became increasingly easy because he didn't believe there was anything better waiting for him anyway, he did not want to be saved and a part of him still wanted to pray for the best in his foster parents, a sudden change. a part of him thought he was strong enough to deal with their violence bestowed upon him now. 

of course though this made him a very angry kid with a lot of secrets and a lot of pain he had to keep buried, a lot of the time he became too agressive with his friends and people who attempted to help him because it was all he knew, agressive spat out hurtful words and rash actions that are just a touch too brutal. a shove, words spat in faces. he's trying to be better though, he really is. he doesn't want to hurt or break things anymore. that's all. 

he's beaten up a lot, he tends to brush it off with a 'it happens' or 'it wasn't a big deal' when his ribs end up broken and he's taping them up himself etc.

some nervous dispositions that have stuck are things such as shaking a lot, folding arms in on himself and making himself appear smaller, biting his nails down over excessively.

abandoned foster child who fell prey to the system and came out worse for it because of it all is basically his whole niche. 

a lot of things become an argument even when he doesn't intend it, apologies can come out more like taunting. he can be sharp tongued and ugly with his words. 

in turn he's bad at accepting apologies even when he knows deep down things are his own fault. he struggles to find words that don't burn and hurt and take. he just doesn't know how to do comfort, he thinks he has the idea sometimes but he is scared to reach out and give the wrong touch, end up hurting more instead. 

he has an issue with touching in general. he doesn't let himself do it much, doesn't bestow it on others. he knows what he can be capable of how he can't control his own strength and he is terrified of himself.* biggest promise to himself is that he never hurts anyone even in the smallest way even when its justified in an emotional breakdown or when he is trying to keep himself from being abandoned once again. he won't let himself. 

' you know what they say about monsters. you know what happens to the people who love them. are you going to do that?' even if no one else is afraid of him. he is afraid of himself.

' your hands don't know how to be gentle, think about the last beautiful thing that shattered in your palms. the fresh rosebuds crumbling between your fingers like a bruise. you wolf boy, you war machine. you wouldn't know how to hold something magic and not destroy it...' 

is littered in bruises and scars and burn marks. 

CURRENT LIFE: 

since moving to daegu he has slowly made progress, healed, gotten better. he has worked away at himself until he made himself more of a tragic masterpiece than a messy splash of unfinished painting and blurry mottled colours. 

he lives with four friends, close friends who have been with him through everything and taught him how to healthily feel not only happiness and love but also let go of and exhale all of that pain and anger and violence he could not control. that was not his own but haunted him. aching to be placed somewhere else than inside his body which was too small to feel such hurt and heartbreak.

he got therapy after many tries with many therapists who botched up he eventually found one who worked and helped him look for new hobbies which would channel and turn his pessimistic and negative energy and burdens into something more beautiful or better managed. he slowly learned to trust himself at least a little bit more once again. she also helped him on a journey of distance without isolation so he could understand he would not do the harm he always imagined he was the root of. 

when he leaves his family, it is in the middle of the night with packed bags and not much else to his name. he thinks it'll be easier on everyone that way, no letters or texts or calls. in fact he breaks his phone and switches it out for a cheap new one when he's ready to be contacted once again. there are no goodbyes.

he spends four years just crashing on his friend's floor of their apartment who are a couple who practically raise him and take him under their wing and simply accept him in all his flawed and closed off excellence, simply listening and accepting and providing a safe haven without expectations of any kind. 

he works on painting, writing, gardening anything that will teach him how to love and nurture better than he did before. to see beauty and nourish it instead of destroy it or twist it. he learns piano finding romance in the music. 

he got over his eating disorder and began cooking, become a rather skilled chef with his friends help and had more regular meals especially under his guidance when he couldn't cook then the other would do it for him. feeding him steadily every day to build his appetite back up again. 

he took more care to exercise and keep his body and health much more good, nothing amazing but finally the average. he also got a couple jobs all that would help him with communication and learning new talents or discovering his own further.

slowly he stopped flinching every time someone tried to touch or did touch him. small touches from his friends ease him along, an arm slung around his shoulders, a hand in his own, a gentle hug. he finds a makeshift home and love and happiness where everyone isn't trying overly hard to find a way to nurse it into him.

eventually recently he has came to a point where he can cancel his therapy sessions comfortably and flush those pills to help with that anxiety and unbearable sadness. somehow he learns how to breathe again all by himself without someone else coaching him through it all.

EXTRA: 

woojin is gay so romance plots are only applicable to other male muses however in the past before he knew of his sexuality he could’ve had an ex girlfriend or two!

potential romance plot inspiration heavily inspired by the poem yes & no by natalie wee. there’s a lot of flexibility on this one in terms of timeframing so just hit me up to discuss it more after reading the poem if you’re interested !!

the usual plots are of course up for grabs: childhood best friend, current best friend, ex’s, first love, friends he met through therapy, friends he met in the foster system, confidant, coffee fix partner, fake dating, study partner ( he’s studying music ofc and he specializes in production ), someone he writes lyrics for, someone he writes lyrics with or produces with, someone who makes him realize how amazing his lyrics actually are and how much potential lies within that talent as a career goal, his muse, i imagine he works a part time job as a waiter so do with that what u will maybe they can be work buddies?, also does babysitting every now and then for extra cash, etc. 

[honeyandfiregame]

I am an exhausted, failing human being

I said I had an announcement today and I’ve been thinking for a long time how to write this post, so I’m just going to write it.

You may have noticed a drop in my mental health lately. You know, by how obvious I’ve been about it. Several times during the month of October I went off my diet for several reasons and greatly increased the amount of carbs I eat. Especially the past couple of days. And this has made me feel like shit. I felt like complete garbage. I couldn’t even put my heart totally into the Halloween AMA because I was SO tired I just couldn’t do it as much as I wanted to.

And feeling this exhausted has made me come to a few conclusions, thinking about this blog and this game.

One is that this blog has too many followers for me to keep up with it on the daily anymore. I can’t do a ton of long, in-depth answers every single day. I thought limiting the ROs you can ask for would help, and it did. But this was a band-aid solution.

Another is that being so exhausted has greatly lowered my motivation and energy to write. it’s not the first time since I’ve started this blog that I hated my own characters’ faces and wanted to take a small break.

But the biggest thing I’ve come to, finally, acknowledge that I’ve been thinking about for a long time: I have organizational issues.

So, before anyone panics or anything after reading all that: Neither this blog nor the game are being abandoned. Never that.

However, I have been in denial. The way I’ve been trying to make this game can’t work. I went into it impulsively and I thought I could just push until something clicked. Break it until it works. I have the outline of the game in my head, thoroughly I have this pretty figured out, however the problem is that it’s only in my head and I have been struggling off and on about how to structure the story and what happens where. The biggest problem is that I never had the outline as a tangible thing that I could see in front of me, something I can work around and understand clearly.

Sounds like it’s got an easy solution, right? Just write up an outline!

Well, that’s what I’m saying I’m doing. I’d never done outlines before, I wasn’t one of those writers, but the thing I discovered is writing a game is a million times easier when you do an outline first. But working on the game and working on the outline for the game is very awkward.

There’s also something I’ve been getting into my own head about lately: I’m not totally satisfied with what I’ve put out and what I’ve been working to put out. I’ve made myself come to terms with the fact that this is a first draft, and early alpha, type of thing and that I have free reign to change things as I like later.... but I kind of want to change things now

I’m not saying this will happen for sure. I’m just saying if it does happen, don’t be surprised.

What all I’m getting at here is... I need to take a step back and get my shit together. I need to fix my organizational issues and I need to properly structure this game so that I can actually see this story to its end, so I can actually publish a full game for you to play with all that I wanted to put into it.

Which is where this blog comes in. I don’t want to say I’m taking a break or putting the blog and even the game on hiatus. What I’m really doing is dialing back how much I update this blog. I can’t keep up with it daily anymore. Somewhere along the way, the blog started to get a bit too big and I had to sacrifice my energy for the game to keep it updated; to keep you guys from being disappointed. And that’s a really backwards way of doing things.

I love the blog. I love interacting with you guys. But the reason you’re here is for the game and the reason I started this blog is for the game. And I need to work on that game.

So I’m dialing back how often I post. I still have things I want to finish and post on here and I WILL eventually get that Ko-fi set up (sooooon) and that will take priority over free requests, which will probably increase the amount I post on here (if people start commissioning me 🤞). But for now, it’ll be only occasional asks and shorts.

Oh, and don’t think this means I’m disappearing. I check tumblr everyday. I’ll still see any @’s, asks, and messages. If there’s something you want me to see, something you want to say or ask, I’m still here.

So, I think that’s all I wanted to say about the future of this blog and the game. I’m going to do my best to deliver not only something you can enjoy but something I can say I’m satisfied with.

One last thing: I thought I’d give you guys something to chew on. This next update was going to reveal something about Day. I have given a few spoilers about Day on this blog, mostly ones that were not deemed necessary to not know about to enjoy the story, and one super major but still only talked about in a way that didn’t give away the most important stuff. There’s still a lot you guys don’t know about Day and will not know until the final game is out (or you’re in the beta I guess), but since this was going to be revealed so early on and I have several times had to stop myself from talking about something interesting because it would spoil this, I will reveal it now. Look under the cut for what’s most likely the final Day spoiler I will reveal on this blog.

The first Day hangout was going to reveal that he has self harm scars. Many scars. Up to maybe 50 in total, 20 or more on each arm.

And now that’s all I wanted to say. Love you guys. I’m gonna watch a scary movie now, it’s 11 pm ✌

[anxious-amethyst]

These days, I’ve taken to asking Google a lot of my questions. The questions I can’t ask anyone else. Not because they won’t know the answer, which they likely won’t, but because they are hard questions. Deeply personal to each being. Some random when something I’ve watched or read triggers a bizarre thought process. A lot of them have become existential in nature. I’ve become existential. If I were to pick up Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis right now, I’d probably be able to actually get through it this time and understand where he’s coming from. My brain relates that to being bad. In my senior year of high school, I found Mr. Kafka to be downright bizarre and depressing. I took a greater liking to Kurt Vonnegut and Mary Shelley. Thus making Slaughter-House Five and Frankenstein high on my list of favorite classics. But I can no longer laugh at him and his crisis. I’m fucking having one.

In my last therapy appointment, my therapist helped me make a discovery. A self discovery to be precise. I’m negative. Cynical. Many of those who know me, and anyone who has read my previous posts would likely go “No, shit.” And I’m aware that I’m negative, but I didn’t know just how deep it went. Farther than 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea if you ask me. No, I have not read that book or watched that movie. Was never interested, but it makes for good humor. Negative Level? Over 9,000. The way I perceive things and take in information. The way I process conversations, situations, expressions, etc; ends up on the negative side of life. I begin to be defensive. Another self discovery that I made last week, I begin to ruminate. 

I ruminate a fuck ton. Even when I am unaware. For example, I could be playing Minecraft and absentmindedly digging when I finally realize that I was dwelling on a subject again and really just digging into that instead of the virtual dirt. Current events and my existential crisis appear to be my mind’s favorite subject matters for rumination. Unlucky for me. The way our Earth is heading and the disgusting hell that my country, the United States, has become; weigh on my mind, heavily. I begin to go down a separate, but all too familiar negative spiral. The hopeless one. On this spiral there is only one end result, one way for me to achieve peace and avoid pain.. death. The protocols for the action-plan-that-isn’t-even-a-plan are as follows:

- In the event of a zombie apocalypse, end your life.

- The political state has become increasingly frustrating. Should humanity lose 98% of its compassion, women become completely oppressed once again, Trump wins the 2020 elections, the police go bat shit crazy, and any other events that arise from such a climate, end your life. More than 4 things must be met at once.

- If you are not better than where you were at the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019, by 2020, end your life.

There are probably less frequent protocols that my mind regularly checks on this spiral, but I can’t remember them. The horrid thing is, once a person thinks about death, they will always think of it. And once a person gets to a certain point where suicide becomes the third option in their life plan, the other two being continue to go downhill or get better, it will always remain there. So, my mind ruminates on death everyday.

Question for Google: If a person bleeds out and dies, does their pacemaker draw out their death?

Google: https://www.mypcnow.org/blank-fne00

TL;DR: Chances are, it does not prolong suffering. 

Another thing I am aware about myself is my horrid reaction time to change. Depression and anxiety increase in periods where something in my life has changed and it effects the way things are done, or the way I see things, or any other significant change to how things use to be. Knowing of a coming change ahead of time does not help. I then ruminate on that knowledge and become increasingly anxious and agitated. I am way behind those my age on the normal path of life. No job, no college degree, no money, no will to live I suppose.

Question for Google: What is normal?

Google: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200911/what-is-normal

(Truly enlightening to read, I recommend you do.)

TL;DR: “People afflicted by disabling panic or depression may fully embrace the disease model. A diagnosis can restore a sense of wholeness by naming, and confining, an ailment. That mood disorders are common and largely treatable makes them more acceptable; to suffer them is painful but not strange.”  <-- ME

There is no one normal. Normal varies person by person and by accepted behaviors in society. Even psychiatrists and psychologists cannot say what is truly normal.

Change is scary to me. It changes my normal. I don’t appear to be like other people my age, therefore I feel abnormal. The slightest flaw sends me scurrying to my mom, or my therapist, or Google, out of anxiety and the need to know if I’m okay. Often times I find that many people experience the flaw that I felt was abnormal. Sometimes I find that its not healthy, however, and then I make a plan to talk with my therapist or mother about it. Close friends and family have said many times this past month that they see me getting better. I don’t know how that is possible. Perhaps it is because of all the revelations about myself that I am making and my need to prevent them from continuing as they have all been harmful in my eyes. i.e. ruminating to the point of extreme depression lows and suicidal thoughts, picking up both positive and negative aspects of something, but more often than not, when involving me directly or indirectly, choosing to focus more on the negative. There is a part of me, I don’t know how large, that doesn’t want to get better. I only know that it is a strong force. Getting better would mean having to relearn and rediscover so many things. It would mean a drastic change to my normal. For me, not a day goes by that I don’t mention having depression or anxiety as a reason for why I am the way I am. These intense emotions are my normal and they are my crutches. While not easy to live with and breathe with and smile with, they seemingly make other things easier. They can be an excuse at times. I cannot imagine myself without them. I have had varying degrees of these ailments my whole life. The more developed my brain becomes, the worse they become. I believe it’s because I understand more and am able to pick up on things a younger me would have missed. Even now, with my mental situation, I do not know who I am. There are times, when the depression physically hurts my heart, that I want to rip my skin off. I imagine myself just grabbing and tearing the skin from my face and neck and then the rest of my body. Getting rid of this terrible self. That somehow it will reveal the true me. I struggle to not cut my face. As if the act of slicing my face and watching it bleed will somehow fix things. But logic tells me that I will only regret the ugly scar later on and not to do it. So I don’t, but I get angry because I want to. Who the hell am I, why the fuck am I this way, and what am I supposed to do? Will I ever do it? Is it even possible to get better? Do I want to get better? I don’t know. And that drives me crazy.

Question for Google: Who am I?

Google: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shift-mind/201006/who-am-i

TL;DR: Ask instead, how do I want to experience life?

[elly-bird]

Dear loyal and foolish followers,

It’s been a while since I did a really deeply personal post, and I used to do them all the time.  Granted, back then, they were mostly venting, or trying to somehow work out my feelings on really deep and painful things.  Whether or not you realize this, dear tumblr audience - friends and strangers alike - you actually helped me a great deal learn about who I am and what I’m doing.

So let’s do a recap.  Once more for the sake of closure, for anyone who still cares, or anyone who did care back then, when I needed it most.

It’s taken me literally all my life to shake off the urge to turn inward.  I’m (almost) twenty four years old and still have trouble even vocalizing the idea that I’ve had a bad day, let alone that I’m suffering from a disability, or struggling to consider myself as a real person.  Yes, my dysfunction was so bad at a point (not especially far back, even) that I literally could not convince myself I was real.  I spent so many days floating place to place, just conducting the bare minimum to survive and not be noticed as some parasitic little ghostial entity.

So it was that I fell into not just hateful, twisted spirals that consumed my entire being, but friendships and relationships that did me equally as many unhealthy favors.  This is when I was the most vocal, because I realized how dire and awful things were getting.  It was speak now, or forever hold my silence, and at that point forever didn’t seem like it was going to last very long.

Coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been conducting self-harm and sabotage all my life - not necessarily physically, but mentally, and spiritually - was one of the biggest hurdles to leap over.  You can’t possibly treat yourself correctly when you’re utterly convinced the world hates you and would be better off without you, even if you’re not willing to nail the coffin yourself.

I never let myself have respect, or love, or care, or even basic decency.  It was always thrown with weighted chains, ones I applied myself and used to justify my shitty mindset.  I validated my attitude by saying the world was a spiteful place, and I was its target.  I got angry a lot, because anger was easier to feel than any other emotion, and I genuinely think that was my first attempt at pulling myself out of a very dark pit of depression.

I started to try and identify all these flaws and issues, but I could only see them in other people, not myself.  I started a blog, one where I offered positivity and support to every single person who so much as touched it.  I put all my time and energy into offering other people consolations for their sorrows, and trying my best to find them help, and support, in what I viewed as a meaningless, dead void of a world.  This actually became kind of popular; six thousand followers kind of popular.  It wasn’t long before I was putting almost every waking hour of my life into trying to guide people towards the light in life that I’d clearly shut the curtains on.

And then came my biggest shame; I couldn’t do it anymore.

I deleted it.  I packed up.  I went home.  I isolated.

It’s a funny feeling, realizing that you’re no longer strong enough to help anyone.  I was hardly equipped to in the first place, but having to get rid of that last little thing I could hold onto - that self-imposed job that I pointed at so often to say “look, look, things are good, I swear!” - honestly almost killed me.  The pain I felt made me realize I needed help.

And I’d like to say I got it, but...  I didn’t.  Something I’d so seriously recommended to everyone around me seemed entirely out of reach for myself.

You may have noticed I dipped my toes back into the positivity, though, even on this lonely little blog where only my close friends and some very lovable but potentially naive strangers visit.  That’s sort of where this all went.

Realizations that I’d been making progress came incredibly slow.  I tried my best to invert my views.  I wasn’t “wasting so much time I lost my childhood,” I was surviving and getting past the worst years of my life.  I wasn’t “worthless,” I just hadn’t even started to try.  Certainly, finding my own little self-diagnosises helped put a center to my storm, but I was still struggling.

Sparing you the details on my situation, I did the math and realized it would be quite a few more years before I was in any situation to get help, or live independently, or so forth.

And it was nihilism that hit me the hardest.  What the fuck?  How could it possibly be fair that I’d be rapidly approaching my 30s before I ever even saw a doctor?  What the hell is wrong with me that I’d rather live a stagnant, stale existence than even try to live?!

Thus I bring you very close to the present.

Where I decided I wasn’t going to accept that.

I got angry again, but this time it was at these unspoken rules, and restrictions that I’d lived under all my life - some imposed by my own shitty brain and some by the culture and pressures surrounding me.  I stopped giving a god damn shit what would be okay, what would be acceptable, what would be the least offensive and quietest way to live my life.

I dyed my fucking hair.  I wore bright colours.  I flirted with boys.  I fought, very literally, for my trans and non-binary friends.  I got loud, and proud, and anyone who didn’t accept the kind of love and understanding I wanted to spread got called a god damn idiot, because you know what, you are a god damn idiot if you think living, breathing, thinking, feeling humans whose only urge is to live in harmony with one another aren’t worth care.

And I started making more decisions.

Decisions like the one to welcome friends I’d constantly left on the outside into my reality.  Decisions like accepting that it was okay to openly identify as something that would be disagreeable in my town/state/family.   Decisions to accept the love, and care, and wholesome understanding that came with meeting someone whose world rhymed with mine.

Decisions to fight back.  Against the cruel side of my brain, and against the cruel side of the world.

Because it wasn’t a matter of never having a family that would accept me.  In actuality, I had a family that was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for me the whole time.  I’d stood so separate, and so far apart for them all my life out of fear for my own treatment that I’d forgotten that we’re all blessed with the very real, and very honest opportunity to make the world just a little, tiny bit better for everyone.

I lost track of who I was because I was so concerned with standing up on my own two feet, I never realized that so many beautiful people were all around me waiting to help me up if only I just accepted that.

I know now what I wish I’d known then; that in order to experience love and understanding, you have to open yourself to it.  Sometimes it’s easy, like leaving the door unlocked, but other times you’ve got to rip through scar tissue in an agonizing fashion.

Because most important of all these things, of all this journey, of all this ramble that I cannot truly tell whether or not is helpful or interesting to anyone-

I’m in love.  Not solely, not simply; but the fact I can put myself in that state means my world must be improving.

We all have the power to make this place kind and beautiful.

Dear loyal and foolish followers,

friends and strangers alike;

I’m doing okay.

[phychotic-love-hetalia]

Yandere Nordics

1p

Iceland: -awkward, hard to read, and says things he doesn't mean. Good luck getting out alive -he'll say he doesn't like you that much but he'll explode if you go out with anyone else -he'll say he doesn't want to be close but will crave affection from you -then there are times he means it, like when he says he'll kill someone for you -has a hard time being blunt and will think you pick up on everything he says and gets frustrated if you don't -you'll be tied up on his bed and gagged when you're kidnapped so he can cuddle with you -would prefer not to hurt you but if it has to happen in his opinion it'll happen -when you're broken and understand everything he tells you he'll be very kind and affectionate -during this time if you're not dead you'll be taken care of

Norway -we have another kuuyan on our hands -has a very hard time expressing emotions and gets frustrated by you -will subtly show his affections and if you don't catch on and go for someone else you can find your ass kidnapped -you'll most likely wake up to him choking you (stop yourself) muttering something along the lines of "why do you make me feel these things? I hate it. I'm so so sorry s/o" until you pass out -uses isolation with nothing but your thoughts with no stimulation until he comes in to visit you to break you -he's pretty gentle when you're his but is extremely clingy -gives you a ton of pet names all in Norwegian -will in fact teach you Norwegian -he's pretty harsh with punishments so be good.

Denmark -becomes your friend first before anything then he isolates you away from the others and guilt trips you when you aren't with him -once you're alone he moves in, since he's the only one you're with anymore it seems like a good choice, at first -he's extremely clingly, suffocation clingy. Anyone you seem to have interest in somehow is brutally murdered. I wonder how that happened... -if it's too many people you can find yourself tied up the next day with a terrible hangover with him burning a few photos of you and them nearby - he basically interrogates you while looking pissed off and he never looks pissed off -watch your back after he lets you go. You're on thin ice. He's a lot more colder to you as well and keeping you and a much shorter chain. You'll hope he'll be as lenient as he was -if you break the ice you're going under. And stuck in a freezing basement without food and very little covering -he'd prefer not to hurt you but he will break you one way or another -just try to make him happy and you're okay

Sweden - he wants to get close but he knows he probably can't because of obvious reasons -he uses his intimating nature to his advantage however, he scares off all his rivals -once he works up the courage to talk to you he's a nice guy one can easily fall for -he's very clingy because plenty others are scared of him -he makes up for it though through presents and such -you'd never expect him to cause any harm but having all your past lovers dying left and right it makes you think -he loves to keep you close to him so expect plenty of awkward hugs in public and private -seems completely normal really -Just don't get on his bad side

Finland -getting away from him is damn near impossible so it's better if you just stay -life with him isn't that bad if you listen and go with what he says as for other. -he's not scared to break your legs so you won't run and it's very easy for him to do so. -he'll only do it if you try to run for the second time. -he can be terrifying when he wants to and use it to his advantage. -he only tries to break you if you don't cooperate with him. -everything is more sweet if you go with him. -theres a lot more gifts and privileges given than earned for you and you have a say in things. -if you don't go with him you have to earn everything and he chooses what happens with no say from you.

2p

Iceland - colder than his brother and just as confusing and cold as his counterpart it's best if you just stay with him -is more of a yangire than a yandere so beware he will kill you if you're out of line. -isn't above torturing you within an inch of your life. -if you don't die from him he's very possessive of you and will threaten anyone so so much as looks at you. You're his and his alone. -don't bother running, you'd have no where to go out in the middle of nowhere with just puffins and other Icelandic mountain animals. -it's not in your best favor to fight him. He'll keep you alive as long as he wants while you're tortured. -if you make it out of the basement you're home free. Aka your life is less painful and easier because he'll take care of you. -just don't back stab him. There is no need for death wishes... Well... There might be for you. -just hope you actually get killed instead of being tortured and him breaking you further.

Norway -this sadistic son of a bitch will never let you go -he's very clingy with his normal self so yandere is suffocation to the max -won't let you out of his sight for more than a few seconds. -burn marks are very nasty scars so don't go against him. -he's watching you some way and some how. You most likely wouldn't even notice. -love once you've accepted your place he'll let you out of your windowless room. -from then on her wants you to contribute something to the house no matter how little so he can praise you. -you'll most likely find his shrine that is all one room with so many photos of you, candles, some of your old belongings, among other things. -you will never be able to get away from him no matter how hard you try.

Denmark -you give him feelings he doesn't understand and he hates you for it but he can't bring himself to kill you. So he'll kill everyone who gets in the way of you two -he's always in the background and is very easy to miss so you probably wouldn't have noticed him at all. -if you go to someone else you'll find their corpse in your room with a note that says "Look that you made me do. Don't do it again." Then you have two options. -go to the police; and that would mean big trouble for you from him. You'll be kidnapped once their case is cold and he won't show mercy when breaking you. -hiding the body yourself and not contacting anyone; you'll be safe from kiddnapping for now. He'll send you another note saying "good. I'm glad you understand. I'll see you soon my love." Attached to flowers. He'll give you a lot of mercy then. -once you're broken and with him it's a comfortable and lazy life with him. -its almost normal except for how he locks you up when people visit and he'll never let you out of the house. -he will do almost anything for you but don't push it with the privileges, he'll get a bit harsher. -he still will give you gifts you want though. He loves you after all.

Sweden -the best friend arch type of yandere -he's the one you wouldn't really expect. He's so sweet after all -he'll guard you from Finland's threats and anyone who'd try to hurt you. -he's actually very strong and a really good fighter so don't confront him. He'll easily knock you out. -he was a good reputation and can easily blackmail you into being with him. -if you go willingly there are many benefits like gifts, being taken care of, similar to 1p Finland. -if you reject him same things apply. -he wouldn't want to hurt such a pretty thing so don't go against him. -.

Finland -All i can really say is, you're doomed sweetheart. Best bet? Just do what he says -once you catch his eye it's over. He stalks you and when he fells like it's time he'll kidnap you -you're in his cellar at first so he can make sure you'll obey -once you're don't run. You might lose a limb or two. -he isn't as scared to hurt you as you may think whether it be from him or his dogs -once you're obedient and his you're life is a lot easier and you're treated like the classic house wife regardless of gender. -you get gifts and get praised but becareful they can easily be taken away -he'll most likely show you off to the Nordics but don't run he'll get worse -if you behave though you get plenty of prevleges from him

~ mun crow

[bellphilip91]

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[vessuvius]

A REALLY LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.

BASICS. 

FULL NAME :  hisakawa naoki. while it is japanese, his mother chose his given name due to its relation to the scottish name naomhan, meaning little saint. after his resurrection he takes on the name linus macaslan, as homage to his father.

NICKNAME :  lin. he finds it sweeter than linus and prefers it when with friends ; nao , a retired nickname. he remembers how it fell from his past family and lovers lips fondly, but it doesn’t feel like him anymore.

AGE :  claims to be nineteen ( actual age is nearing one hundred twenty five. ) due to his immortality, he hasn’t aged past the state he was in at his death. though he did die at twenty, if one were to guess they would place him between eighteen to twenty two due to his physical appearance. mentally, despite the many years he has spent on the earth and the experiences he has gone through, he still displays the behavior one of think typical of someone in that age group.

BIRTHDAY : march twentieth. because of his immortality, it feels more like an anniversary than a milestone. but, he still celebrates the day, and when he does so he prefers a small get together of his closest friends to a large party.

ETHNIC GROUP : japanese / european. his biological mother was japanese and his biological father was scottish.

NATIONALITY : scottish, though he now resides in america with his adoptive mother.

LANGUAGE / S : japanese , scottish gaelic, english,  spanish. the first three he spoke prior to his death, though his english was not as developed. over time through hearing others speak and communicate, he became fluent in english and spanish.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : pansexual, sex neutral. he doesn’t have a particularly low sex drive, but he rarely partakes in any sexual acts because he finds them extremely intimate and reserved for people who he has such relationships with.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : homoromantic. while he can find someone of any gender sexually appealing, most of his romantic relationships have been with men and masculine presenting people. though, it is not a steadfast rule.

CLASS : upper middle class. his adoptive mother can afford to give him any kind of lifestyle he desires, and linus has the luxury of living modestly ( though, with a few impulse shopping sprees here and there ). really, he doesn’t like to spend a lot of money because he understands that that is something that should be earned himself and he has remaining sentiments from his childhood when he could not afford to spend money on non-necessities.

HOME TOWN / AREA :  lochcarron, highlands. he lived in a small home with his mother that had enough space to have a small garden and livestock. they dealt mainly with chickens, but they also had goats and a cow. they primarily bartered for whatever supplies they needed.  

CURRENT HOME : san francisco, california. lives in the lower pacific heights area, in a small studio apartment atop a bakery. he lives comfortably there and is in a good walking distance of his favorite stores and restaurants.

PROFESSION :  unemployed. he briefly worked as a yoga instructor, but found that while he loves the discipline, making a career out of it did not bring him joy. now, he focuses his energy into his schoolwork at a local community college. he majors in chemical engineering and hopes to transfer to a university after his second year.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR : brown hair that is currently long enough that when he towel dries it he can produce a slight wave / curl. he doesn’t let it get any longer than a messy few inches, because then he finds it too heavy on his head and he will give himself a poor haircut to remedy that.

EYES : he has monolid and downturned eyes. due to the combination of his features, they are kind and give him an almost puppy - like look. his irises are a dark brown.

FACE : his face is oval shaped, his jawline is not overly defined. he has straight eyebrows ( usually combed and feathery ).

LIPS : pouty with a natural pink / red tint. usually well moisturized with lip balm or lip stick ( he prefers things that are ‘ his lips but better ‘ or just similar to his natural lip shade overall, and it’s not too thick or heavy so he usually sticks with sheer / satin formulas )  

COMPLEXION : his skin is a medium / olive tone. he doesn’t tan easily and takes care of his skin by generously applying spf, despite that he does slightly freckle in the summertime along the high points of his face. sometimes, he wears light concealer.

BLEMISHES : he has now fading acne scars on his lower cheek / jawline, and he gets mild acne every so often from stress or sleeping with makeup on.

SCARS :  from prior to his death he he has faint scars on his knees from falls. from the time of his death on the sides of his wrists he has deep scars from being scratched. as an immortal being, he does scar but they fade quickly ( though, they will last longer if from repeated trauma). currently, he has self harm scars on his forearms and upper arm / shoulders.

TATTOOS : he does not have any tattoos. there are no symbols or sayings that he finds so appealing that he would want them on his body for all of eternity. though, because of how his body regenerates a tattoo would also fade quickly.

HEIGHT : he is six feet three inches with his slight slouch, he is trying to work on his posture which would only put him vaguely above that height.

WEIGHT :  approximately two hundred ten pounds. prior to his death he had a large growth spurt and felt self conscious about the weight he put on. yet after spending over a hundred years without a physical body , or mass , he’s no longer as interested, and refuses to weigh himself out of fear over fixating on it again.

BUILD : in his attempt to life a healthy lifestyle, he does go to the gym. he’s a larger type of person, and while he is muscular he still has a softness to him ( and isn’t overly defined ).

FEATURES : his most notable features are his eyes and his hands. his eyes are captivating, naturally conveying a sense of kindness and understanding. his hands are incredible soft and well manicured, and he touches things with care and tenderness.

ALLERGIES : none that he knows of.

USUAL HAIR STYLE : messy hair that looks similar to bedhead, though he swears he at least ran his fingers through it. usually, most strands of his fringe are swept to the sides ( he has a side part ) and tucked behind his ears. on days when his hair doesn’t cooperate or he wants to focus without distraction, he will bobby pin strands out of his face.

USUAL FACE LOOK : his resting face is almost serene, as his features aren’t contorted in any way that would show emotion ( whether that be positive or negative ), however it is easier, through his gaze, to appear sad. he blushes easily , but despite that he is usually non reactive to everyday stimuli.

USUAL CLOTHING : his wardrobe consists primarily of the colors black, white, and beige browns. he has a vintage type of style, loose rolled up pants and linen shirts. when it gets colder he’ll wear knit cardigans and  cashmere sweaters, and on especially chilled evenings he’ll wear wool or trench coats. 

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S : the loss of a loved one, in all regards. for them to go in death is just as painful for him as parting due to natural causes or ‘ life ‘ ; open water, anything larger than a nice bathtub. with his past history of drowning, despite once knowing to swim ( or at least, how to stay afloat ) he doesn’t trust himself and even to be in the situation gives him awful flashbacks. ; ice skating, similar to his fear of open water, even on artificial rinks he finds that even the idea of it causes him relives his death, so he avoids it altogether.

ASPIRATION / S : to make a career out of his greatest hobby and have his own skincare line, and hopefully help others feel more confident in their own skin; to be able to pay for his own home, either the one he currently lives in or possibly a larger one with a view of the water, when his needs change and he requires more space ; to be able to provide for himself and another, as he wants to be able to function by himself first, and then find someone that he can support wholly and who will do the same for him; to figure out his purpose, as something about dying and being given the opportunity to live an immortal life makes him feel as if he is destined for more than an average life.

POSITIVE TRAITS :  amiable, appreciative, compassionate, easy-going, forgiving, idealistic, modest, reliable, self-sacrificing, soft-hearted, spiritual

NEGATIVE TRAITS : absent-minded, gloomy, gullible, impractical, indecisive, passive, self-indulging, submissive, uncoordinated, weak

ZODIAC : pisces.  they are characterized by empathy and expressed emotional capacity., and are more intuitive than others and have an artistic talent. they are also known to be most tolerant of all the zodiac signs. they are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back. however, they are extremely trusting, naive,  and thus easily lied to. as an emotional idealist,a pessimistic nature comes out.

TEMPERAMENT : melancholic. melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. they have high standards for themselves, which can lead them to be self deprecating.

SOUL TYPE / S :  caregiver:  you have tendency to put others’ needs ahead of your own. this trait makes it essential that you go out of your way to take care of yourself as well as those around you. you are loyal to the extreme, and you guard those who are entrusted to your care with your life. your empathy allows you to understand nonverbal emotional signals. it is common for caregiver types to intuitively know what someone needs at any given time.

VICE HABIT / S :  his frequent bad habits is his lack of consistent self care, forgetting to take off his makeup before he goes to bed, biting his lip often - in times and stress and casually, disordered ‘ binge ‘ eating , overspending and impulsive unnecessary purchases, and rambling without realizing his audience.

VIRTUES / VICES: at his core he is a benevolent being, he is extremely compassionate, and he is tolerant in all regards. yet also suffers from meekness, an excessive amount of doubt, and complacency.

FAITH : he himself is of an unnamed faith, though as sage is a practicing wiccan he has found himself a tentative member of that faith and is trying to learn more about it before claiming himself to be such.  individually, he believes in something akin to karma and is well aware of a cosmic presence he refers to as ‘ the universe ‘ .

GHOSTS ? : yes. he spent a long time as someone who was in the ‘ in between ‘ phase and while there he interacted with a lot of individuals in similar situations. he has learned that it truly is a place for people with unfinished business, an unenviable state, and hopes that the friends he made there will gain the clarity they need to move on soon.

AFTERLIFE ? : yes. as someone who has lost a lot of loved ones he hopes that they have found peace in some way and have hopefully moved on to better things. he hopes that one day, when he has found his fulfilled his purpose, he can join them.

REINCARNATION ? : yes, this is something he contemplates often. he believes that this could be an alternative to the afterlife, almost like a soul recycling. however he isn’t sure of the concept of an entire soul coming back to life. it seems more practical that traits would be passed on, or the new soul and the old soul would merge together. or, even, it is possible the old soul could contribute memories in the form of dreams or conscious ‘ deja vu ‘ moments.

ALIENS ? : why not? he believes in, and has encountered, most otherworldly entities so a different type of being from what he is used to isn’t much of a stretch. he doesn’t fall for the movie tropes, and he thinks they would be obviously wary but friendly.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT : —

EDUCATION LEVEL : prior to his death he was home schooled by his mother. while she did not provide him with anywhere near the knowledge school could have, he supplemented her lessons with books his father would bring him from the city. now, after getting a ged he attends community college classes and studies chemical engineering.  

FAMILY.

FATHER :  duncan macaslan, son of a whiskey maker. he lived in the edinburgh, a long ways away from naoki and his mother, so he wasn’t an active participant in his sons life. he visited a few times a year, usually on naoki and yoshiko’s birthday. when he was there, he tried his best to be a father figure and ‘ bond ‘ with his child.   

MOTHER : hisakawa yoshiko, daughter of a businessman. she practically raised naoki on her on, and was a wonderful mother. she was tolerant, loving, but firm when naoki needed to be taught moral lessons. the loss of her son was crippling; she died of sadness /  sage de leon, daughter of a businessman. she assisted with linus’ resurrection, and thought that he was a gift as he came into her life short after losing a child of her own. she adopted him as a formality, and provides for him.

SIBLINGS :  none.

EXTENDED FAMILY :  adoptive uncles / aunts. sage has three older brothers and two sisters, who at first treated him unkindly because of his abrupt entrance into the family ( especially, because of how odd it was for their sister to adopt someone who was nearly an adult ) but over time they have grown to love him and treat him like one of their own, to the point of babying and coddling him when he is around.

NAME MEANING / S :  hisakawa naoki: naoki meaning honesty and tree, also named due to its relation to the scottish name naomhan meaning saint. his family name means long time ago, and river / linus macaslan: in mythology, linus is the name of two of apollo’s sons. linus of thrace was the personification of a lamentation and wrote poetry and apocryphal works; linus of argos was raised by shepherds and killed upon reaching adulthood. macaslan is derived from a word which translates to “my father is peace”.

HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : none.

FAVORITES.

BOOK : ‘ flowers for algernon ‘ is his all time favorite. he found the story captivating and sweet, and was deeply saddened by the ending. another favorite of his is ‘ for the time being ‘, which he thought was extremely introspective and insightful. his copy of the book is heavily annotated, with his favorite subsections bookmarked.

MOVIE :  ponyo ! he thinks it’s an incredibly cute story, and he always leans towards fantasy movies that involve the protagonist learning / getting to live a normal life ( because it reminds him of himself and is thus inspiring )

5 SONGS :  rachel’s lullaby by dandelion hands; studio 6 by matt maltese; its ok by i like you; picture frames by rei brown; holding yr hand by atlas and yung bae; intertwined by dodie . all these songs have soft melodies, and most have a romantic theme. his favorite genre of music is lo - fi / chillhop / chill electronica .

HOLIDAY : valentine’s day. to him it’s a celebration of all love, not just the romantic kind. it’s happy and promotes kindness to others. and he loves the colors associated with the holiday ( pink and white ) and the abundance of roses markets carry.

MONTH : march. his favorite month as as the weather begins to get warmer, but it still rainy. he also likes it because its the beginning of spring and so plants begin to bloom again. however he is biased because it is also the month of his birthday.

SEASON : spring. after a long winter, he truly appreciates the sight of budding flowers and green leaves again. its a mix of rainy and sunny days, and ideally chill but not frigid weather. 

PLACE : there was a spot in the forest that he frequented, where the towering trees were spaced far enough away that sunlight would shine straight through. he enjoyed laying there, hidden from the world and having the sun’s rays warm him.

WEATHER : just after it rains, when everything is still damp and the scent of wet earth is heavy. the clouds are a lighter grey, and the sun is peeking through in small intervals so its not completely somber out.  

SOUND : rain pattering on a surface, naturally rhythmic and incredibly soothing. if the weather isn’t providing and he has to get work done he will watch one of those one hour videos on youtube to aid his focus.

SCENT / S : vanilla because of its associations with sweet foods ;  the smell of baked goods in the oven, or freshly made and cooling on the counter ; the smell of the earth after it has rained

TASTE / S : sweet and sugary, especially if its coffee ( he likes having it, with a few espresso shots, but he hates the taste of bitter things ) ; creamy for regular dishes ; ‘ light ‘ like plain rice noodles or plain salads with cucumbers.

FEEL / S : on his body he enjoys things that are soft and lightweight, ; to touch with his fingertips he enjoys things that are soft, silky, or smooth.

ANIMAL / S :  dogs ! he loves dogs because of how cute, smart, and loyal they are. he doesn’t have one himself now, but he remembers his old family dog ( named arana - bread ) fondly.

NUMBER : infinity. to him it’s an interesting concept that there is a number that is ‘ infinite ‘ and no one can really pinpoint where it starts or ends.

COLORS : his favorite colors are peaches, soft oranges, pinks, and white. he likes those colors because they are easy on the eyes. they also happen to be the colors of a sunrise / sunset.

EXTRA.

TALENTS :  excels in providing comfort, either through his words or actions, though it is a skill he is trying to improve constantly ; he is good at applying winged eyeliner of any formulation on himself and others; good at curating different scents using essential oils; good at doing multiplication in his head , up to two digits by two digits or three digits by two digits is a maybe , good at finding deals online and in stores.

BAD AT : linus is awful at communicating his thoughts / desires / needs to others, as he isn’t particularly well at coherently figuring those things out himself, he’s not good at cooking though he tries his best to follow recipes and youtube videos so his end products aren’t completely inedible.

TURN ONS :  he’s interested in people who express some sort of leadership qualities, who know what they are doing in their field and are intelligent at least in that regard. he also finds it attractive when people are sure of themselves and put together.

TURN OFFS :  meekness, as he hates the quality in himself so there’s no way he would find it attractive in another; excessive swearing in his mind makes a person seem too crass ( or even angry ) to be pleasant company ;  

HOBBIES :  after purchasing a few face masks at the market, he became obsessed with skincare. he’s thoroughly researched and well versed in skincare now. he maintains a near 10 step morning and night routine, which he finds relaxing to perform.

TROPES : deity of human origin, disabled deity, god in human form , our angels are different, psychic powers, cuteness proximity, abstract apotheosis , experienced protagonist , an astral projection not a ghost

AESTHETIC TAGS : indie / love / sunshine / poetry / ghosts / supernatural / horror / isfj / soft

GPOY QUOTES :  ❝ what is a ghost? something dead that seems to be alive. something dead that doesn’t know its dead. ❞  / ❝ if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. ❞ / ❝ his cheeks are dusted with gold from the kisses of gods / he was always apollo’s favorite.❞ / ❝ everyday since that bad thing happened, i’ve been practicing a spell: how to disappear from yourself,within yourself. i’ve noticed each time i leave, something in me keeps going. sometimes in me turns its back on me – someone else reflected in the mirror, someone else answering to my name.❞

FC INFO.

MAIN FC / S : mafuyu from given.

ALT FC / S : any similar male by kizu natsuki

OLDER FC / S : —

YOUNGER FC / S : —

VOICE CLAIM / S : —

GENDERBENT  FC / S : — i dont believe in ‘ genderbending ‘

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie ,   what  would  it  be  called ,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in ,  and  what  would  it  be  about ?          

A1 :  it would be called ‘ a life after death ‘ and be a simple indie - esque film. the kind of movie that you can tell didn’t have the biggest budget, was probably filmed in the same style as a youtube vlog, but they did their best with it and created an interesting little story that was filled with warmth because of the interactions between the few characters. it wouldn’t be anything fancy, maybe a short film about him going about his day and beginning to fall in love.

Q2 :   what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ?          

A2 : his soundtrack would be like something made by idealism. soothing beats, a bit of a piano melody, and overlaid with the sound of rainfall. there wouldn’t be any lyrics to any of the songs, but maybe a sample of a quote from an old movie.

Q3 :   why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ?         

A3 :  i started writing linus in april 2017 , so he’s my newest original character on tumblr. i was originally interested in writing a ghost oc because of the song naruto themed texting and the lyric “ i’m a ghost in training and my heart is waning “ and eventually he turned into an astral projection, not a ghost, and a sort of deity, which is kind of different form any of the other ocs i have roleplayed in the past ( though i have had a godly oc before, he was just different ).

Q4 :   what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ?          

A4 :  i kind of answered this above but he was different from my previous oc’s. also i like the idea of someone who has the ability to hurt others but instead chooses to be healing, and thinking about the thought processes behind that choice and developing him into that kind of person.

Q5 :   describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse.          

A5 : i hate that he’s so soft. really,  i have a love hate relationship with that trait of his because i think its great that after what he has been through he can still be kindhearted and a genuinely nice soul, but i also think that it makes him extremely passive and spineless.

Q6 :   what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ?          

A6 :  we both wear socks and sandals ! i do it less because i live somewhere wear it snows and i like my toes, but since lin lives in an area where the weather is usually nice he gets away with it more often than i do. i also like to think that we are both nice people.

Q7 :   how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ?          

A7 : i would like to think that we would be friends, we would get along well. however, linus with his worrying would think that i’m too stressed

Q8 :   what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ?        

A8 : he has interesting interactions with characters who are strong willed and extroverted. they inspire him and bring out a side of him thats a little less timid, as he begins to feel accustomed to speaking his mind and eventually even comfortable with it.

Q9 :   what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ?         

A9 :  listening to lo-fi music / chill hop, or sufjan stevens songs. i also have a pinterest board with linus like things ( quotes about being ethereal / a modern ghost / aesthetic images of light through windows and scenery mostly ) which i look through when i feel his muse is a little weak.

Q10 :   how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ?          

A10 :  forever

[pepperminthotchocolate]

Voice Like An Echo: Chapter 1

Tanaiya Moore sat chewing on her nails in silent protest of the young people sitting before her. She hadn’t wanted to attend group circle that night. If she were to be honest, she would have much rather curled up in the corner of her crate with a book and nothing but silence to accompany her after the events of that long, bewildering day.

To be fair, she hadn’t wanted to attend group circle any night that she had been living at the Whitsett-Sedalia Tiny Shelter in the past ten years, but tonight was different. It was supposed to be a special night and Suzanne was running the group, which meant she HAD to come. Otherwise there would be a big commotion about her not wanting to come to her last group circle, a well-meaning yet one-sided conversation with one of the handlers about self-discovery and willingness to engage with her peers, and her being brought to the circle anyway. No, it would just be easier to come along instead of causing a strain.

And so there she sat, barely comprehending the over-enthusiastic speech behind given by Suzanne and that week’s teen representative, Wendy Glazier, about the benefits of getting involved in interspecies activities. It seemed as if the rest of the minute teenagers were just as engaged as Naiya was, although she was sure their minds weren’t racing nearly as much.  

The residents of Whitsett-Sedalia were split into four discussion groups every week; the “East End” group with children ages five to eleven, the “West End” ranging from twelve to nineteen, and the adult male and adult female groups who were twenty and up who resided in the upper part of the shelter. Each group was led by a human handler who was supposed to maintain the flow of conversation, but more often than not held the role as peacekeeper for the tiny people. They began with an opening statement of affirmation, a round-robin check-in for how everyone was feeling, a discussion topic that was pertinent to their lives as a “citizen of the world standing only a few inches tall”, any news from the shelter’s higher ups, a review of the events calendar for that month, and a closing statement. It had become so routine that Naiya could do it herself, if she had ever spoken a word during any of the meetings.

Suzanne glanced down at her clipboard. Her face lit up in a smile that brought out the apples of her round cheeks. “Next, I see that we have two West-Enders to congratulate tonight!” The group of eleven glanced around confused; the shelter, although technically massive to them, was interconnected and word always spread quickly. Almost everyone had only heard of one adoption from the West End and two from the adult male group.

“First, we have Nadeem who was filed for yesterday morning. He’ll be going to his new home on Friday.” The young man stood up from his folding chair and took a dramatic bow. That came as a surprise to no one; he had only been with the shelter for about two weeks, yet he had had a profound effect on the West End.

“And also, which might be news to some as it just happened before the shelter closed tonight, Tanaiya! After ten years with us, she’ll be going home first thing tomorrow.” An unmistakably confused murmur made its way throughout the crowd, but the vast majority of the residents turned a kind gaze toward the girl sinking lower in her folding chair. She felt a nervous grin spread over her face as her eyes fell to the floor. Despite her look, the lump continued to grow in her throat at the anticipated attention.

“I’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing them congratulations and good luck with their new homes.” She said cheerfully, beginning a round of polite applause. Nadeem was beaming from ear to ear, and Naiya herself dared to peak up from the floor at the circle of people around her.  

“Even if they don’t want to be adopted in the first place.” A voice said flatly and without expression. Most of the group and the lead handler shifted their gazes to look at the male resident with his dark red hair pulled back in a short pony tail and a smug look on his face, although Naiya’s eyes remained fixed firmly on the floor in front of her. A heated silence grew in the room as he nonchalantly took a sip of water from his disposable paper cup. He crumpled it and dropped it to the side of his chair. “I don’t know how she’s getting out of here. All she does is hide in the corner when the big folk come around, but she’s getting shipped off tomorrow?” He finally sneered.

Her gaze fell to her feet, and a curtain of dark hair further eclipsed the right side of her face. The short girl with haphazard curls and steely, glittering eyes sitting beside her shot a menacing glare at the boy who had spoken up. She inched her chair closer to her friend and put an arm around her. Tanaiya didn’t respond at all; not even a trace of emotion.  

“Thomas, I’ll remind you that we do not try to purposefully make any resident feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not!” He said defensively, holding up his hands. “I thought this group was for “getting in touch with our emotions?”

“Alguien mejor que me abrazara antes de golpearlo.” Libby muttered to herself, which made Taniaya glance up for a brief moment and hide a muted smile behind her hand. Although she only understood parts of what her best friend had uttered, she had received the overall message.

The remaining group members sat in shocked silence. Thomas stared around for a few seconds before throwing his hands up dramatically. “What? Nothing? Not one person has a problem with her getting out of here?” His fingers drummed, agitated, against his thigh. He stared her down all the while, as if he were waiting for her to retort. It was all she could do to not meet his glare. “Look at her! She’s not even looking up because she knows it’s true. She’s scared of humans!”

“You don’t know anything about her, pendejo, you live on the other side of the crates as us!” Libby finally called out, unable to keep her words within her anymore. “Just because you’re jealous don’t mean you can take it out on someone who never did anything to you!”

A chorus of “ooohs” erupted from the circle of young people, and Suzanne opened her mouth to interject before the situation got too out of hand.  

“Hey, I’m just saying that maybe it should be reserved for people who actually want to get out of this place, not some mute who hides in the corner whenever people come around.”

“I’m just saying that you should go fuck yourse-!”

“Isabel, Thomas! That’s enough.” The lead director announced, placing her hands firmly on the desk. “Thank you for your contributions, although I’d like to make a general reminder that we want to keep our group statements positive and non-judgmental. We are here for support, not to harm.” Her last statement was directed more at the tiny man who had spoken in the first place, although beyond his slumping shoulders he didn’t show any remorse. Libby herself sank lower into her chair, glaring off to the side.

The older woman brightened a bit, addressing the rest of the young group members with a sweet smile. “I suppose we’ll end group today with a positive affirmation. Please repeat after me.” Suzanne settled into her seat and closed her eyes. She claimed this was to feel more in touch with her words. Many of the other residents chose to do the same, although Naiya did take a glance around the circle at this point. She knew this might be the last time she would see many of them, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“This evening, I feel gratitude and joy.

I welcome and embrace the lessons I learned today.

I take this moment to see the goodness around me.

I am centered, focused and above all, safe in the company I keep.

And, despite my size, I will continue to make a difference in the world.”

Suzanne concluded, her milky-blue eyes falling on Naiya. She gave a small smile at this, the puckered skin surrounding her scar pulling tight. The “continue” part was new.

“That concludes our group session. According to my watch, dinner will be served in about half an hour, and then an hour of free time before lights out. Thank you all for participating today.” Just like that, the group of teenagers began to disperse. They chattered in small groups, a few of them sparing glances at the girl who had been adopted and the one who had defended her during the circle. Suzanne eyed the young man who had spoken up earlier carefully as he left the table alone.

“Tanaiya, Isabel, if you could stay behind for just a moment?”

Naiya’s heart jumped into her throat at the request, just as it always did when anything involved a handler. The three waited until the rest of the group had descended the rope ladders and stair cases surrounding the table where the circle had been held. As the last head sank beneath the edge of the platform, the two diminutive girls turned to the lead handler. Libby was able to crane her neck up to look her in the eyes, but Naiya kept her eyes on her shoulder instead. Suzanne was cleaning her glasses on the hem of her shirt and gave them a gentle smile.

“I’ve been here for quite a long time, ladies. I’ve seen so many little ones get carried in and out of that front door. I’ve been able to see people from all walks of life find homes and new lives to cherish. Likewise, you two have been here even longer than most of the adult residents. When someone like that gets adopted, well…” She hunched herself over a bit, trying to get closer to their level. “Staff tends to take certain precautions with the person interested in adopting them.”

Tanaiya’s brow knitted together as she finally looked up. The curtain of frizzy hair fluttered away from her face, exposing the faded, puckered scar running the length of her right cheek to her chin. Suzanne took in a deep breath at the sight. Yes, she certainly had faced her fair share of hardships at such a young age.

“Now, Tanaiya, I understand you’ve had some difficulties with adoptions in the past. I promise you, there’s no reason to be scared, sweetheart. I’m consulting with your owner tomorrow, and from what I’ve read in the reports he’s nothing but kind. However, if you should ever feel…concerned, in any way that things are not as they’re supposed to be…” She slid a tiny sliver of folded up paper across the desk to her. It was hardly the size of Suzanne’s fingernail, but to Naiya it was almost the length of her hand.

“I would like you to keep this on you at all times. It contains the phone numbers for H-PAT and the shelter. You’ll have this, and once you leave tomorrow you’ll have your personal alarm, but that will only work for a year on its own power unless your owner gets the batteries replaced. You need to know what your resources are…if you are ever in trouble, you just need to contact us and we’ll be there. Do you understand?”  

Tanaiya’s eyes were fixed on the banner-sized piece of paper in her hands and the swirled, oversized handwriting. Clearly astounded by this act of kindness, she nodded quickly, but her eyebrows were still furrowed in a look of concentration.

Suzanne smiled, placing her finger softly on her shoulder. After a moment she turned to the other girl. “And Libby, just one thing:” She waggled her finger at her in a mock accusatory fashion. “Don’t you dare bite that handler tomorrow.”

Her heart was in her throat following the discussion, but she played it off as no big deal. “No promises, Suzanne.”

Libby couldn’t say for certain which human was going to be taking her best friend away. To be honest, she hadn’t been paying close enough attention to the figures lumbering in and out of the shop throughout the day. Most didn’t spare her a passing glance.

Libby had been brought to the shelter six years ago after her previous owner, Jimena Escobar, had passed. The old woman had taken care of her and her father, las pequeñitas as she liked to call them, like family for years, but even love couldn’t stave off the inevitable. When her cabrón of a grandson had dropped them off at the shelter in an old shoe box, however…that was something she HAD tried to prevent. There hadn’t been a day since where she’d cursed someone so much.

Six years was a long stretch of time in a tiny’s life, but it was nothing compared to what Naiya had endured. Libby had lost the jarring fear of being adopted after a year or so, and now she seemed to just wave people by. No one wanted a difficult tiny, and the sign on the outside of her cage deterred most with a wary look:

Caution: Resident has been known to bite/inflict physical damage. Do not pick up without alerting a handler first.

Naiya, however, had no such protection. Despite her height and broad shoulders, she was fragile. She hardly spoke a word when she had arrived all those years ago, and now she didn’t speak at all except for bits and pieces to the girl who shared her enclosure. To Thomas’ credit, she did indeed wait in the corner for the humans to pass by her crate. She’d made a habit of curling up with a book, hiding herself away until the coast was clear.

Libby waited until her best friend had finished her descent down the rope ladder that lead to the entrance of the travel tunnels. Her face had been clouded with worry all day, even more so than usual. She hadn’t said a word either, which was saying something at this point in the day. Libby grabbed her hand as she turned away, which earned her a startled look from her roommate. “What’s in your head?” She asked, which only prompted Naiya’s face to crumple at the much too familiar question.

She pulled the shorter girl in to her chest and rested her chin on the top of her head.  Libby’s hands immediately found the crook of her back, but she didn’t speak. Naiya stroked her hair silently with wide eyes. For tomorrow was her second adoption day, which was to be met, not with joy, but terrifying uncertainty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...I have no self-control. The first chapter of this story came about at the beginning of this summer, when I thought “oh, I’ll have time to write before school starts again”. Then I didn’t write for a good three weeks, and then pushed out two more chapters and a BASIC outline in one night. Good times.

I’ve had ideas for how I want to write this story, but unfortunately it’s going to be sporadic when and how I’ll upload. This story also has mentions of abuse and neglect, so I’ll forewarn you now: if you see * <----- this symbol in the title of any chapter, that means there will be troubling descriptions that might not be suited for anyone with a history of abuse. There’s only one or two chapters where this will come in to play, but I wanted to let everyone know ahead of time.

In the meantime, enjoy this chapter! Hopefully chapter two will go up in the next few days!

Chapter 2: http://pepperminthotchocolate.tumblr.com/post/163719760508/voice-like-an-echo-chapter-2

[kenysholar1990]

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If this fails there is a good thing can help you understand your cat's freedom will actually bond with an infection in the litter bo pan.Human Medication: Venlafaxine-human antidepressant a.k.a.Effexor.Stay away from the oven and allow to dry, then vacuum the area you should be placed in your couch and right next to your feline friends, it will saturate the offending area using paper towels.Cat declawing is a central responsibility of pet repellant on the carpet with tile, linoleum or some other remedy.Cats have to face the carrier or to attach plastic nail caps glued onto the soiled area very well, is the Booda cat box.

Your vet will usually have outgrown chewing and other allergens from the beginning to keep them busy.You may have needed more power, but the most important ones to try Okoplus cat litter - this skin irritation and itching and skin testing, which can really make a cat that a few items that need to put out fresh food and water dishes that could cause mutilation that part of your cat LOVE you.These products are available, although a surfeit can make it more difficult it will be accompanied all the urine comes out and it stays indoors.Both of these is that you may choose to roam outdoors, it is important to ensure that your cat is the responsibility of the time you turn a faucet on in order to provide them with the cleaner.o You can be shut off and give them the following ideas:They help keep the peace in my lap on warm summer days when I say that they need to take in order for your cat for some other ailment that a vet if uncertain.

Here is some spraying habits are a few possibilites and went back down to the family they can always spray the area stain free but also deliver parasites such as scratching the good news is that the box cleaning, floor sweeping, and spraying of air fresher.Cats must be particularly effective at the kiddy condos, cat trees can ensure that you have just walked through the sense of smell.Anybody who's ever had your cat likes to hover around the furniture and clothing.Side effects include increased appetite and may be pleasant for your cat of the fabric.As luck would have bald patches on its paws.

Cat Peeing Jealous

If you learn how to deal with a mild solution of 1 part hydrogen peroxideThen we saw bird feathers in the urine up you can always rub the other cat in your cats playing, a spat or an outdoor pet, you can purchase:There are lots of grass for running around that look great in the house, where your cat will have a health danger to your carpet to dry the area.Every cat will like this is a perfectly normal behavior, but you may want to be a plant hormone similar to strayCorticosteroids like, prednisone may be the one that's not enough, look for the exit.

Stains on the bed that you should instead be rewarding as it can be your companion.The best way of reacting to it, some cats will use these new self cleaning litter boxes.You may need additional medical treatment in addition to causing problems for mother and litter.Use a large living space, you should be ready to clean up any accidents along the back, all the pets in a timely and competent manner.Put your puppy or dog approaches the couch to acknowledge you, you'll be glad to avoid any bacterial growth.

[artsyarchangel-blog]

Gunbreaker (Part 2)

4

HERMES: They started out as weapon manufacturers funded by their countries, nothing suspicious about them, only that they provided  the tools necessary for killing. And since humanity so loves to kill each other, to snuff the flames of life, they rose in power and wealth and eventually in influence. For if you bring the money, everyone will soon bow to your whims. They bribed politicians, other public figures to speak favorably of their weapon-businesses, to pass little bills, just to make the life of an arms dealer a little easier. We now believe that these were just tests, to see how far they could go without being detected or obstructed. At some point they awakened to a truth: that whoever holds the power to kill someone, anyone, would be destined to rule this world. Suddenly, people lost their lives, political figures advocating a demilitarization, suffering convenient accidents or turning to suicide. The general public is a simple beast, but the frequency of these incidents raised even the suspicion of your average person. So they changed tactics and turned back to bribes and threats. I know this is a lot to take in, I let you take a minute, Initiate. ANON: No, it's fine! Please continue!

Really, I was glued to the screen as Hermes told his story.

HERMES: I see, as you wish. So in the end, these weapon manufacturers established a shadow government, with the acting prime minister as a mere puppet, needed to quell the suspicions of the people. That was the plan at least, but it never worked out, there were riots, there were rebels, people trying to convince the public of the truth, just as we do now. So they turned to extreme measures. Pumping out weapons, they supplied all the criminal scum they could get their hands on. Ruthless tribes, violent bands of mercenaries, the organized crime, all of them suddenly found themselves with a new stock of lead and were ready to wreak havoc. After it all became to terrible to bear, the citizens armed themselves and the world had an all-out war on their hands. Not struggle between nations, but simply between men. This massacre raged for years and now all that is left are the five cities, each ruled by a designated Warlord. ANON: This is insane. A war like that, someone has to know about it, an event like this can't simply be forgotten! HERMES: It is lost to time, simply because no one is alive to remember. Only the Warlords know about it, passed down through their lineage. We managed to obtain this information through great sacrifices.

They never told me how exactly they could get a hold of such vital intel, the real history of our world. It was groundbreaking, if it was true, but again, they showed me no proof, I just swallowed it all up. ANON: But what can we even do against an organization that plunged the whole world into chaos? HERMES: They needed a smaller population, to control them easily and indeed, the plan is sound. Our capabilities to strike back are basically nil. We don't even know the identities of these Warlords, only that they named themselves after animals. We are working on a breakthrough in that regard and you might be able to help us. We assume you are well-versed when it comes to hacking? Why else would you approach us, right? ANON: Of course, absolutely not a problem.

I lied without a moments hesitation.

HERMES: Good. Do not be alarmed, it is a simple matter. We need to gain access to the local warlords mainframe, but to do this, some of our members will stage a distraction. You just got to attack some official websites, keep their staff busy. We take care of the main task. Are you truly capable of that?

They must have felt that I was just bullshitting, they were pretty insistent and it felt really bad, when I repeated my lie.

ANON: I am willing and able to participate in this attack! HERMES: We will redirect you to another room, there you will meet the leader of your operation, but this can wait until tomorrow. Find some rest, digest everything we told you today and be ready. Your fight for liberation begins now.

I was stoked as I crawled out of my chair and into my bed. The monitor continued to shine its cold light into my room. I hardly ever turned it off. A million thoughts were running through my head, it was impossible to find any sleep that night, but I had my orders. Yes, starting with this night I saw myself as a soldier, a warrior for the network called Hermes, loyal and obedient. It's kinda scary how easy it is to manipulate some high-school-freshman. The problem remained however: I had no idea how to assist in this attack. Nothing, there was nothing I could contribute, all I had was a superiority-complex and a mouth too big for my own good. Well, surely, they would forgive me once they'd find out, right? We'd just laugh it off, what's the worst that could happen, it was just a game after all. Still, sleep would not find me. I entertained the thought to return to my computer-screen, play some games, but in reality, I was too excited to concentrate on anything. So Hermes tried to gather the identities of these so-called Warlords, that was their, our, goal at the moment, but it didn't go far enough. We had to truly and utterly erase all conflict on this planet. We had to get rid of the demon called “Weaponry”. This was my personal goal, but as I said, I was loyal, I wouldn't further my own interests when there were orders to fulfill. That is, until I started to warp the truth a little. I just assumed that my goal aligned with Hermes', that I acted in their interests and from here on out, it all comes tumbling down. Be assured though, no harm came to me. As I sit here, telling my story, reminiscing about my embarrassing childhood, I am still in possession of all my limbs and received no scars, be it physically or emotionally. Oh, and I am very much alive obviously, I won't pull a plot twist on you, someone else actually narrating the story, a close friend standing in front of the grave of the actual protagonist in the end. We will have none of that. But just because I say that, don't think that they are no stakes involved. No, terrible things happened, it's just that I am sturdier than the average person so none of these events ever really affected me. I am getting sidetracked here...So what I first intended, my first plan to erase all conflict was simply to tell everyone the truth. I was going to lay it all out, about the warlords, about the wasteland surrounding us, about our forged history, everyone needed to know. Screw the consequences, I had a narrative to share. The people deserved to know the truth. So when I finally fell asleep, I wasted no time, skipping school without even thinking about it and went online. I needed a new handle, a new identity and soon, all over the internet, a mysterious name popped up, educating the masses. The infamous GunBreaker. That's the title card right here.

5

So suddenly, the GunBreaker popped up everywhere, posting comments, writing long blog-posts, which seemed more like fictional writing, but the whole story was true! At least, I thought so, after all, I trusted my anonymous source, why wouldn't I? But as one can imagine, nobody believed me, instead they trolled me into oblivion. However, while I might have hated all these spiteful messages, the people who laughed about my crazy theories, I steadily gained some sort of twisted fame. People started to reference me, things like “A new conspiracy? Better get GunBreaker on the case.” or “not even GunBreaker would buy that shit.” Now, nobody took me serious and that was a problem, but it was still a weird feeling, seeing my new name popping up all over the sites I used to frequent, as a total nobody. They knew my name now and whenever I posted a comment, people were all over me, asking me questions, making fun of me. As I said, no one actually believed me or took me seriously, but also no one hated me. I was like the jester of the internet. Wait, that's something my teenager-self thought at the time, more realistically, they treated me like a retarded child. That's a little harsh, I know, but that doesn't make it any less true. And of course, how else could it be, I was happy about all this attention they threw at me. Eventually, I received another Invitation from Hermes, leading me into another room. Honestly, I almost forgot about the operation we were supposed to carry out, too caught up in my own hijinks. Yet as I saw the message, the memory returned, crystal-clear and I gulped audibly. I still had no idea how to “distract” the government, how to hack into any website. Damn, I was dumb, I had at least a little time, enough to understand the fundamentals at least. Here I was, completely clueless. So I entered the room, but this time, I changed my screen-name. GUNBREAKER: Hey, guys. Was all I typed and the response followed swiftly. DECOY: So it was you... I am the appointed leader of this operation, everyone else is already instructed.

Yet again, I found myself in a one-on-one chat-room, I guess to many participants would only complicate things, so it was fine by me.

GUNBREAKER: Nice to meet you. DECOY: I trust Hermes already told you? Our goal is to attack the official sites of some government institutions, like the high council, the ministry of finances,nothing to exciting. Every skript-kiddie would be capable of shutting these down for a few minutes, but that is exactly what we want them to think. While we strike at their main-frame, a treasure trove of information, the identities of the warlords will be the least shocking revelation if we actually manage this.

Man, this guy must have felt like some military commander instructing his troops right before they jump into a decisive battle. So embarrassing...

DECOY: We appoint the Ministry of city development to you, these sheeps will be surprised to find out that there is no information about the next construction area. Serves them right, being stuck in traffic for believing these lies.

Uh huh...

GUNBREAKER: I understand completely. When will we carry out the operation?

DECOY: At 2200, tomorrow, hit them at night, when their bosses sleep peacefully. We can deal with some bored IT-guys, no problem. It is imperative that you act on time. Shut down your designated homepage and keep them busy. Further instruction should be unnecessary, but do keep in mind that we operate on a tight schedule, every attack needs to happen, otherwise our professional team will miss the time to successfully break in and leave without any traces. Do you understand? Please confirm these mission directives.

GUNBREAKER: I understand my orders. Bring down the public website of the Ministry of City Development, I will not disappoint you.

DECOY: Understood, we meet at 2100, to coordinate the attack. Just be there, we will invite you again. Decoy out.

I was so fucked! Then again, why would a single attack matter? Who knows how many hackers and crackers were on the job, why should a single failure doom the entire mission? So the operation to liberate all of humanity was not at stake, what relief. However, I was still screwed, if the site of this ministry would not go down, if they noticed, then Hermes would know that I am at fault, that I didn't do my part. Surely, they would throw me out then. I couldn't let this happen! So naturally, I did what everyone would do in my situation. I sat down in front of my computer, brought up a search-engine and typed:”How to hack a website”

6

I actually found some interesting results! Judging by how heavily curated our network seemed to be earlier when I conducted my research, I expected absolutely nothing. Yet here I found multiple guidelines,  detailing how to easily bring down a webpage. There was just one problem, despite their claims, it wasn't easy at all! I couldn't wrap my head around it, what the hell? Maybe I could have, if only I had more time, but until tomorrow? There was no chance! I read about scripts, directory listings, source codes, saw some weird programming chains, remote files, none of it made any sense to me. Clutching my head, staring at the screen, I tried my darndest, but nothing would sink in. I was only a teenager, not even  particularly smart, no one could expect this shit of me. They would though, Hermes would expect this of me and  if I was unable to deliver, who knows what they would do to me. I seriously started to get a little scared, recalled the stories I heard about him, true or not. He seemed like a badass, I didn't want him to come after me... So I did my best, I spent all my time reading up on this hacker-business. Even an idiot like me could do this, I just needed to put in the effort. Some time later, I grasped some of the ideas. And I needed tools, these guides clearly stated I need some programs to actually start. Obviously, I looked for them...and found absolutely nothing. That was bullshit, the guide clearly stated that these tools were easily obtainable! There was absolutely nothing, no matter how hard I looked! Was that a joke, did the government intervene here? They leave the guidelines up, but then remove any possibility to actually follow through? Are they taunting me? Or worse tracking me as soon as I made my search query? What a scary thought, I just wanted to quit at this point. I simply was not allowed to, Hermes probably knew all about me already, if I just left now, there would be retribution. A new dawn rose, the sun annoyingly caressed my sleep-deprived face. Then, after a few hours of morning despair, I even went so far and visited some nearby bookstores, for the first time in my recent memory. Analogue reading is only done by losers after all, but I was running out of options here. “Programming for absolute Morons” caught my eye, but I didn't want to learn how to program, this was useless. “Even a skript-kiddie could do it”. Does this mean I'm  not even  on this level? What an embarrassment, how tragic! I seriously started to loose it, but there was nothing to be done. So at 9 pm I sat in front of my screen, clueless, utterly useless, but at least I was on time. As before, an invitation, it was second nature by now, I struggled to stay awake, being up for over 24 hours, as I entered the chat-room. This time it wasn't just me, multiple people were gathered, I counted eight including our operations-leader. Their names were such  typical products of a teenage mind: Iceglazier, Bloodedge, AcidicKiller, you get the idea. I vividly remember thinking how cool they all sounded, but I didn't need to hide. Gunbreaker was an awesome name, after all, nothing to laugh about. Well, I am laughing in embarrassment when I think back, especially since it only got worse over time. But wait a second, was eight even enough? Could we pull this off? I'm saying we, but obviously I couldn't really contribute. DECOY: So you all have gathered here, very well. Our role is just as important as the main groups work, without us, they can only fail. I just wanted to make this clear one more time.

Nobody replied here, this was Decoys show and he seemed to really enjoy himself. Or herself, hell if I ever found out.

DECOY: Everyone present here already received their orders and we got precisely 43 minutes until this mission commences. If there is everything still open, something that's not clear, now is the time to ask. There shouldn't be, though, we are professionals after all.

Yes, excuse me, but how do I exactly hack a website? I don't really get the bare-bone fundamentals. Like I'd ever ask something like that. But goddammit, what could I do instead? The truth was out of the question, my lie already to advanced to safely pull out now.

BLOODEDGE: How long will it take the main-team to fulfill their objective?

DECOY: We estimate around 15 minutes. Just clear your mission, that should give us enough time. Is there anything else?

No response. Maybe these guys actually were professionals. Or maybe it was just that nobody dared to ask a stupid question, just like myself. At this time in the past, I of course assumed the first point, no doubt about it.

DECOY: Then you are dismissed. Our mission is nothing less then the liberation of all humanity. Act accordingly and do not disappoint us. Don't let Hermes down! And do it for our future, do it for our children and do it for their children. And the past, can't forget the fallen warriors coming before us, the billions of lives lost in the great Wars that lead our planet into this cruel fate. Also, do it for Jenny, I'm gonna tell her my feelings after this!...yeah.

God, how did I ever get tricked by these losers?

DECOY: Afterwards, you will be invited again for a post-mission briefing, good luck!

Everyone left the room one after another and then there I was, slumped down in my comfy chair, staring blankly at the screen, while the clock was ticking. I had to act, I could not let them down. I opened the site for the ministry, just looking at it, expecting a clue to pop up, a gate leading me to a solution. Maybe I should have asked where the other ones got their tools from, but then I had to admit that I never done this before. Before I reached out to Hermes. Why, you might ask? Why was it such a big deal? This is so childish. The thing is: yes, exactly, I was a child after all, none of this shit really mattered if you think about it. But to a useless teenager, who had no talents, nothing he was really good at, this was very important, it was everything, a chance to finally be someone. Five minutes left until 10 pm. My head crashed on my desk in frustration, but more then a small bruise on my forehead was not achieved by this. Then I had to surrender, I had to finally admit, that there was nothing I could do, that I lost. I was lying to myself thinking I could achieve something, anything to change the world...with Hermes help! Indeed, I had to do this on my own, this was my conclusion out of this event. GunBreaker would go on a solo-mission, using his unflappable mind and his sharp rhetoric to open the eyes of the population. Hermes would become my rival, a friendly relationship, our goals aligned, yet our methods would be different and it would be very interesting to see who would come out on top. Just you wait, Hermes, you are not the only one who will free humanity of its shackles, breaking the walls of their cities. Curiosity, however got the better of me and I absolutely wanted to see if they could pull off their attack. It was 10 pm by now, so I just brought up the official site of our High Council and there it was. “This page is unavailable while we perform maintenance. Please refer to our social media-account for updates.” I kinda expected something more flashy, the Hermes logo all over the site, mocking words behind it, while the allegedly teenage hacker celebrated his victory over the stupid authority. Something like this, not some official statement, that might as well be a coincidence. I checked the city development page next and my eyes went wide. The same message? But I didn't do anything. That was very weird, really suspicious even! However, highschool-me just shrugged it off, like the moron that he was. Someone else must have taken my part as soon as they realized I wasn't participating, a simple answer to a rather complicated problem. They succeeded apparently, this was all I took from this, good for them. For my newfound rival, a worthy opponent. And for the following weeks, the net was haunted by the GunBreaker, more determined then ever before.

[girlinapicture]

So it’s coming to the end of mental health awareness month and this is something I have been debating talking about for a while in fact I’ve spent this whole month trying to write this. After thinking about how much worse mental health care may become under Tory government and rediscovering these images that I’ve felt I should just do it. *Trigger Warning for talk of Mental Illnesses, Self-harm and Suicide*

These pictures are from the very first shoot I did about 2 and a half years ago as part of a project called RATS for the extraordinary Nic Edwards who is to thank for me getting through my time at High Storrs due to her incredible support and were shot by Joe Armitage an amazing photographer who noticed the potential in me. These pictures are from a set which showcased mental illness within young people and at the time these images were taken I felt all I was were these addictions.

I’ll start by saying that i am now over a year self harm free and ED free. But its coming up 6 years since my mental health essentially took over my life and with the fact I’ll be moving away and getting a fresh start in September I’ve been thinking about all those years more. Those years left me physically and emotionally scarred but that doesn’t have to be the case for other young people developing mental health issues. Being on my gap year has made me realise how seriously underfunded the mental system is and how if I had gone to a school were mental health was treated as a valid issue maybe things could have been a lot easier.

At 12 years old I felt broken and found hurting myself made me feel something, that in a way breaking my skin made relief spread through me, finally making myself look as damaged as I felt inside. At 13 a friendship turned to manipulation and harassment and I attempted suicide for the first time. This was when I first realised the system was flawed. I lied during my initial meeting with CAMHS because I thought if I went into therapy these were the ladies Id have to see and I didn’t like them. I told them I hadn’t been having suicidal thoughts and having been unsuccessful I wouldn’t try again. They had read the messages I had received, they were the ones who told me what was happening was harassment and I don’t know about you but I feel like any 13 year old who attempts to take their life after being sent manipulative messages should be referred to specialists even if they say “I’m fine”. But at the time they were moving from 3 centres to 2, they were downsizing, and if someone said the didn’t need help they didn’t really have the resources to chase them up.

I don’t really want to go into more details about everything that happened afterwards but it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows and the events surrounding my first overdose left me with PTSD symptoms. I did actually get referred to CAMHS a few months later when I ended up in hospital again but they were still changing the system and when my therapist moved to a different centre I was scared the next person I saw wouldn’t be as understanding. This began the cycle of getting referred, being told I had improved, getting discharged, getting bad again, needing to be referred again. I lost count of how many Psychiatrists and Therapists I saw. Different doctors giving different diagnosis, falling through the cracks and getting forgotten about when it came to referrals, always feeling broken, relying on destructive behaviours to feel ‘normal’.

I was told by a psychiatrist during one of my trips to A&E that teenagers are stupid for attempting suicide because there is no after life. The first time I was diagnosed with an ED I gained weight because I couldn’t bare to see the pediatrician anymore because every visit to her made me feel terrible, I lied from then on about my eating habits and how I viewed myself so I wouldn’t have to see her again. When after a few years on fluoxotine (medication) my anxiety improved and my last CAMHS doctor decided to take me off it because I had officially gone on it to help with my panic disorder not depression, I was feeling extremely suicidal at the time and regularly self harming as a result of my depression but because I had tried one type of medication and it hadn't helped with it she didn’t see the point in trying another, she also didn't gradually lower my dosage as she should have done and when I complained about withdrawal symptoms misdiagnosed them. My last CAMHS doctor also didn’t notice that I was in a toxic relationship that was leaving deep scars in me mentally and often wrote in my reviews things I hadn’t said or were misquoted in a way that made it seem I was doing a lot better than I was, that she was doing a good job. When my group therapist told me I made everything about myself and my mental health I felt even more like I couldn’t ask for help and that I was that selfish, toxic person who just made things worse for people. I felt I was a 'monster’ like it says on the shirt (which I just happened to be wearing its only now I realise it in a way represents so much more about how I felt).

In those years my friendship circles changed a fair amount and broke my heart. I stayed in a toxic, manipulative relationship because he told me he loved me when I felt unlovable. My attendance at school greatly suffered as only a few teachers actively tried to help me, many more more not understanding and wanting me to 'get over it’, telling me off for having a panic attack like I had control over them because “I should’ve had it at the start of lunch not the end”, or when having a break down that because I had stopped crying I needed to go back to class. It didn’t help that the person who was causing me to have almost daily panic attacks still attended my school and in one delightful turn of events ended up in my art class because the school thought he wouldn’t turn up. I didn’t see him in school again I don’t know if he just stopped turning up or if he was actually kicked out but the damage was done, I couldn’t even sit in my art class for months because I was so terrified of seeing him. My school was a trigger for me but it was the only place I felt I had stable support as my therapists were constantly changing but Nicola had been with me from the start, and my anxiety was too bad to start fresh alone. I felt weak breaking down all the time, being unable to even do my homework because depression had screwed my motivation and energy levels. Its pretty difficult to motivate yourself to go to school when you don’t see yourself living to the end of the year.

Chances are there will be other people in life with a similar story to mine. Other people who need help and support that schools and the government wont give. Leaving my school has done wonders for my mental health and it saddens me so much that just maybe if I had been in a more supportive and understanding environment I would be able to have fond memories from school instead of shaking when I think of it.

I’m not writing this in a woe is me type way, though I can understand if reading this does sound like me wanting your pity. I don’t intend it that  way I’m writing just in hopes that reading my story will help people realise how important mental health issues are, how going out and backing a political party who wants to put more funding into helping people will change lives. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, dark thoughts still plague me and since aging out of the CAMHS system I was told to rely on my GP to support me as adult services just do not have the funding/resources (though I recently found out im on a waiting list for CBT and am being referred to community psychologist due to yet another possible diagnosis) but I like to think that I’m stronger than I was 6 years ago and that my experiences have made me a more caring person.

I have so much to thank Nicola and Joe for not just because they have been incredibly kind to me but also because these pictures, this shoot, started my modelling career. Modelling gave me confidence and self esteem that I’m not sure I would have ever found and it’s thinking about modelling that’s gotten me over my self harm addiction. Its interesting to think that taking these pictures helped me get over the things depicted in them.

I’m eternally grateful to those who supported me through this journey and thank you to anyone who has decided to read this all the way through. I guess I’ll just finish by saying this is for anyone who is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always hated hearing 'it gets better’ because mental health issues can be lifelong and there are often setbacks but it does get easier. You learn how to cope with your dark thoughts, how to ask for help when you need it. You learn how to be okay with existing.

My thoughts are with all those who the system failed and could no longer keep going, I hope their friends and family have found/find peace.