#forbidden dils lore

[dilsdoes]

vampires HATE her! local woman has severe anemia and hard to tap veins.

[petewentzisblack1312]

can i be honest about music to avoid my feelings and sleeping and taking my meds and showering for a second.

i am autistic and i have trouble regulating my emotions and processing sensory input. sound is a big one for me. i cant block out any noises. i found out most people do not notice the wind rushing in their ears on a normal day. i do. i cannot pick what sound i pay attention to. when i was little od find myself accidentally eavesdropping and repeating stuff i heard because there was no way for me to tune it out unless i was already completely and totally engrossed in something else. if its raining and im watching a youtube video its almost as if the volume of the youtube video goes down and the rain drowns it out. because of this, i often dedicate time to listening to new music. and ts hard to find the time. and i put it off. but i love new music. i love it so much. but too much new sound and too much enveloping sound for too long will overwhelm me, especially if its something hard fast and sloppy. coincidentally my favourite style of music is hard fast and sloppy. coincidentally i love listening to albums as a whole.

when i love something, it takes me over. i cant do anything but love it. when i hear music i love, i feel so much love for it, it scares me.

theres a lot of reasons. if you all remember the story about my dad and the fob concert, i have this deep, deep fear of loving things openly. i do not want anyone to hurt me with the things i love. it scares me.

but because of that. i think. i take a long time to listen to new music i know ill like.

[petewentzisblack1312]

question coming from also a third world supremacist (i think?) figuring out political ideology: how did you form yours?? i think i remember you saying you used to go off of empathy before forming a more solid worldview and i'd wanna know how to start that. apologies if i'm completely off base and you didn't say that in that case it's just nice to follow someone who's not from a first world country thank you for that

sorry this is quite meandering. i dont have a clear cut answer of a specific turning point, its just been a journey of learning ive been on as ive come of age. as for how to go about doing it yourself, id say to stay curious, but also stay skeptical. learn about the patterns that repeat in history- the way outsiders are blamed for problems, the way the world tends towards complicated answers, the fact that things are more often implicit than intentional- and be wary of them when you are confronted with an answer. remember that 'common sense' is not an edict passed on by god, its the culmination of a lot of decisions, some made with ulterior moments, so interrogate who benefits from you believing certain things that 'everyone knows'. and try to get some bearing on the theory behind certain philosophies and modes of thought. it could be a video essay, if you just need to get your foot in the door. my mentor is wary of documentaries and video essays because he thinks they can lie to you easily, but a book can do that too, especially if you think it cant! still, the audiovisual language is very easy to take at face value, and its more difficult to assess the legitimacy of a youtube video or documentary than it is with a book thats been cited by other authors a lot.

anyway, my own journey. i did in fact say my ideology is founded on empathy first and foremost. i was already pretty left leaning (but without a framework, just very 'live and let live') at that point but one of my teachers in secondary school (who ive known since my sister went to that same secondary school over 10 years prior) (hes the guy i call math dad occasionally) used the times allotted for christian education and christian family life education which were basically free periods during which were supervised by our homeroom teachers (though its not really supposed to be that) to teach the basics of anarchist philosophy (like what can or should be considered violence) to our class, and i was really engaged in that framework. there were only two people in the class who were interested in that myself included so he eventually stopped but hes always been something of a guide to my beliefs, and this introduced me to anarchism as a philosophy.

i have to say what radicalized me beyond just my love of my fellow human was curiosity. i wanted to know why the caribbean is poor. i wanted to know why certain people are mistreated. i wanted to understand racism. and it was a gradual process for me but eventually i learned that pretty much all real bigotries are systemic, but i didnt fully understand why those systems were in place until i started to understand the 'flaws' inherent to capitalism, or rather, the way its supposed to work. all these systemic injustices are in service of capitalism.

i was still quite imperial centric until fairly recently in my life though, id say like the past 5-7 years ive become more and more critical of modern empire and more disillusioned with its manifestation worldwide and as you might imagine especially in the caribbean. i hate tourism now, while it tends to be something both major parties invest in to some degree (its the liberal position). while im a little less superficially patriotic than the average st lucian, im very invested in our politics, though i find it difficult to navigate as a lay person for a myriad of reasons that frustrate me. as much as i have opinions on politics and policy, im not an economist or political scientist or commentator and have auditory processing issues that make it just hard enough to sit and watch parliamentary debates and things like that that i dont.

i would be remiss if i didnt shoutout the tumblr community for also informing my politics. ive been introduced to all sorts of people and all sorts of problems and all sorts of ideas by being on this website for as long as i have, and listening and learning and looking into things myself.

[petewentzisblack1312]

i need to update my pinned with all my new blogs. if youre interested:

@dilsdoes main and personal

@petewentzisblack1312 you are here

@dilsdelights things i like that dont have a dedicated blog

@dilsdragons flight rising blog

@dilscheeseaspiration sims blog

@dils20 i dont know if ill use this but if i do it will be my ttrpg blog. so im letting you guys know about it.

edit: @dilsdesigns for art and my store. obviously.

[petewentzisblack1312]

theres one teacher who sucked for a lot of reasons but one of them is the one sided beef she had with me for the time she asked me what was wrong and i said that i was just making a neutral face. she told me to smile and i explained in a way that i thought was extremely amicable that i just feel neutral right now and wasnt in a smiling mood and then one day when i was sitting in class with her she called me out by retelling the story but acting like i was being super aggro without explicitly saying it was me. this was an insane thing to do because i sat literally right in front of her in that class.

[petewentzisblack1312]

im a little nervous about my new glasses because theyre about as large as i normally get (though not larger than what i currently have which is a shame) but theyre not solid black. theyre black and clear.

[petewentzisblack1312]

one time we got an essay topic that was about corporeal punishment and i misinterpreted that as capital punishment and wrote my essay about that and the teacher (who didnt know us very well because she was replacing our original teacher who hated our vibe and stopped coming to class) (not a joke she told me that outright bc i was in lit with her) very gently told me when i stood up to read it (i was really proud of it) that i got my wires crossed. i cant remember if i quickly argued against corporeal punishment off the cuff OR quickly wrote an essay on corporeal punishment OR she was interested in what this 16 year old had to say about the death penalty and told me to finish reading it but correct the word corporeal to capital. but thats something thats happened to me.

[petewentzisblack1312]

im getting emo over the reference photo i took for a drawing. wentz wishes he had my sadboy swag.

[petewentzisblack1312]

How long have you been into fob?

And have you always been consistently into them since discovering them, or did you rekindle your love for them at some point? For example there are bands I used to really like as a teenager, then was kind of casual about for a while, and I’m now getting back into really actively listening to them.

What about for other bands/musicians?

i got into fob when i was 14! it was big hero 6. still love that movie.

and actually, yeah. i used to be a kind of notable fob blogger back in the day in like 2014-2017 (i didnt personally have a lot of followers, but i was friends with bigger bloggers so my voice carried a bit) (ive mentioned this before but um. i was one of the bloggers patrick wams did all that to be friends with. to put it in perspective). in real life i got a vip ticket to go to the mania tour and my dad backed out on sending me at the last minute, and it was just so painful and so hurtful that it made me ashamed that i liked something so much as to be hurt by not going to a concert, so i stopped being as into fall out boy. i listened mania when it came out and i loved it but i tried to tone down how much i loved fall out boy. the pandemic led me to get more into fall out boy again because i think i found some new fob music (might have veen dear future self, might have been summer days) and i realised how much i fucking missed fall out boy. like its my favourite band and always will be and always has been. i made an instagram and then a tiktok and then came back to tumblr (which i left because of general anxiety about being #cancelled and mha drama because i pivoted to a wayyyy more toxic fandom lmao) and once again this is my modus operandi.

as for other bands, not really! fob is my number one with a bullet so i dont really have any other bands that i was really into that im now really into again. maybe ill listen to overexposed by maroon 5 and get mad nostalgic idk.

[petewentzisblack1312]

if im being honest the judsus post was supposed to go on my main. i stand by it though.

[petewentzisblack1312]

Your dad sounds hilariously horrible

I'm sorry to hear

BROOOOOO i had my mom in the room with the phone on speaker when he said that i'd have to make an appointment through his secretary to talk to him because i knew he'd say some shit and she almost blew our cover by laughing out loud like the man is cartoonishly childish and petty and has been since i was 10 years old and it would be so much funnier if he wasn't emotionally and psychologically and financially abusive to me and my family at every opportunity. like that conversation we're having is about whether he'll pay my tuition for school and he's like. legally required to do that per my parents divorce agreement. but he's gonna be a fucking asshole about it the whole time and going to court is a hassle.

the reason he's making me do that and refused to text or email me back about it is because he's insulted i didn't tell him about school in person and the reason i didn't tell him in person is because the last time i told him in person he told me to email him and was mad that i didn't. and then the next time i looked into school when i just emailed him he got mad that i didn't talk to him in person. so i decided that i'd just email him because then i could cc my mom sister and godmother so other people can see what i said and what his response is.

it's like very transparently a power trip and a way to get me alone to be an asshole but my godfather said he'll come with me to talk to him so jokes on him!!! either his friend sees him be a jerk or he has to be nice to me >:)

anyway sorry for dumping this on you i just do not like that man. i don't consider him my father anymore he's just the guy that sired me. my real dad is my leftist math teacher from secondary school and my oldest sister i grew up with.

[petewentzisblack1312]

my phone broke because i accidentally spiked that shit onto the hard tile floor (the dangers of gaydhd sitting) and ive already bought a new phone (ate into my savings quite a bit sooo. paypal ko-fi store help) and my mom had a back up phone (her phone got stolen and she went to the phone service provider and they gave her a free phone but it sucked so she got a new phone) and this phone sucks (as i mentioned) its so bad i hate it and i hate typing on it and i cant even like move in and make myself comfortable in it because im getting a new phone in a few weeks. hell.

[petewentzisblack1312]

i know im like a music blog but i literally never listen to music because i have auditory processing disorder so if i listen to music i literally cannot do anything else at all and no one can really talk to me, and also because i have some SEVERE hang ups about letting myself enjoy stuff. right now im listening to some music (not fob or bob vylan or any other punk band actually. right this second im listening to hotel california.) and like i genuinely love music so much. like i am a musician, ive played in orchestras as a violinist for large portions of my life and have taken singing lessons and have done music theory, i am a trained musician and music means a lot to me and its just nice when i let myself indulge in it. i should listen to it more.

[petewentzisblack1312]

my sister loves kombucha! ive never tried it but ur making me want to

i feel like its an acquired taste but i am an acquired taste kinda dyke. ill ingest the most weirdest flavours and textures god has put on this earth and enjoy it. its because i grew up eating ackee and saltfish i bet. though soursop and sugar apple are a little too weird for me usually i will admit.

i do like the kombucha though! i imagine it tastes like how dry wine probably tastes, which makes sense because its basically the same concept. although you could probably end up with a sweet kombucha too if the second fermentation doesnt go for as long. anyway i liked it. given the opportunity i would go for one of the nonalcoholic + probiotic brands that exist out there, but there is only one cottage industry brand of kombucha in the country so ill take it. i dont think it really counts as breaking edge but im covering my bases.

i mostly wanted to try it because i wanted to know if its something i would like if i made it myself. and honestly i dont think i could drink it fast enough. im not like obsessed with it, its fine. but it is an option for probiotics in my diet! so thats good.

[dilsdoes]

one time i suddenly was overwhelmed with loneliness and sadness and cried for hoursssss just sobbing hard, hiding in a closet (pause for laughter) from my mom because i didnt understand how i was feeling (i thought i was upset with her but in hindsight i was probably having a manic episode), and the next day when i woke up my eyes were so swollen i couldnt open them.

[petewentzisblack1312]

Ayo dils u play an instrument?

yes!! ive played violin since i was 8 (although i havent picked up my instrument in a good while) and im slowly learning bass guitar. i also sing! i love music :)