#and it's triggering stuff and if you have intrusive thoughts you know that anything will do anything will cause them

[solena2]

does it count as intrusive thoughts if i’m just like. completely unbothered by the weird shit my brain comes up with sometimes. because like people always get really weirded out if i mention that being near anyone shorter than me fills with a nigh uncontrollable urge to pick up and throw them so i can only assume that’s not a standard desire we all grapple with. and i know most people don’t think about cannibalism nearly as often as i do. but do they count as intrusive if i’m just chill with it?? like sometimes the Weird Thoughts (tm) are like morally objectionable or my brain will try to get me to echolalia a slur or something but i just like. visualize slam dunking those ones in a garbage can and then tossing a grenade in which usually works. i always assumed having occasional Weird Fucked Up thoughts is just like. yknow. a thing everyone has? but i’m beginning to get the impression that i have it More

[scrupulosity-comics]

hey is racism one of your obsessions? also white and ocd. if it is, how u cope with it? i'm really afraid all the time to hurt my loved ones who are black people, and they're the majority of my loved ones. and how do u identify whats racism from whats an intrusive thought?

Most of my race-related OCD is abstract stuff like “if I move out of my parents’ house and try to live my own life outside of their control, I will have to find somewhere I can afford to pay rent, which will probably mean moving into a low-income neighborhood, which would mean inadvertently helping to gentrify the community, which would gradually push the original residents out of their homes and disrupt community ties and support systems and creating housing insecurity, so therefore I can’t move out or move on”.

I think that’s just part of a larger existential terror that I can only ever make the world worse by living in it—a net harm to the universe, molecule by misspent molecule.

I have been letting this ask sit in my inbox for weeks now because I’m convinced that anything I say will be destructive. What if my answer enables or excuses racism? What if my answer fuels the anguish of the mentally ill?

The rational and compassionate part of my mind insists that your loved ones (and mine!) understand that you (and I) are white, and have likely dealt with white peoples all their lives, and are capable of judging for themselves whether you are good to them and deserving of their intimacy. It is impossible to go through life without hurting and being hurt by people you care about—always you will have blindspots and miscommunications and competing needs. That’s just part of the curse of consciousness and being a social species. We all get a little blood on our hands eventually, one way or another… friendship involves knowing this, accepting this, and committing to avoid it and then, that failed, to make things right.

Again: your friends know you’re white. They have reason to expect the best of you or they wouldn’t be your friends. They choose to have you in their lives; trust them to trust you, and to recognize the difference between a beloved friend struggling with a treacherous and unkind brain and doing their best in an inescapably racist society, and a racist who whose bigotry makes them unworthy of their time and affection.

I do think racism obsessions are a particularly difficult manifestation of OCD to cope with because they’re hard to discuss at all without feeling like you’re implicitly asking for absolution. With other types of OCD, it’s common to seek reassurance that what you’re obsessively afraid of isn’t true—but what feels more racist than asking someone to reassure you that you’re not racist…? LMAO.

They say the “cure” to OCD, such as it is, is just to learn how to embrace the existential horror of uncertainty. Tall fucking order. Hell on Earth! But in a bizarre way I have found the rhetoric that “everyone is unconsciously and incurably racist” to be unexpectedly helpful… there is no total psychological purging and mental purification we can undergo, no amount of ritual self-flagellation that will drive the demons out, no pristine state we can aspire to and hate ourselves for soiling. Only mundane everyday commitments to compassion and empathy and solidarity and cleaning up our messes. But even then, a thought isn’t a mess. A thought I’d not a thing that happened or a choice you made. It doesn’t represent an alternate timeline branching off into a parallel universe where you have acted on it and hurt people.

Earlier this year I was playing a video game—during my lunch break I got to wondering what happened if you failed a skill check that I had passed in my own playthough, so I looked up a clip on YouTube and was so triggered by the answer (the player character calls his companion a racial slur in the heat of the moment, without meaning to, even if you’ve played him as a committed anti-racist) that I immediately spiraled and was close to throwing up in the broom closet, and when I got home I opened my own save and tried to make the player character kill himself as catharsis. It was an incredibly unreasonable guilt response to a completely fictional scenario that I hadn’t even gotten in my own playthrough, but in retrospect it was a safe way to explore fear of my own internalized racism hurting somebody and what might happen if my intrusive thoughts came true. It sucked and it was terrible and I was angry at myself for being crazy about it, but it ended up being a small dose of exposure therapy and practice at not repenting for nonexistent through self-abuse.

I dunno. This has been a long uncomfortably personal ramble but I hope it’s helpful. I don’t know if your friends know you have OCD (or how it manifests) and I don’t know whether telling them would help. But allowing yourself to trust others to trust you is far more useful than beating yourself up for thoughts you don’t want. I have on occasion warned people that I am cautious about doing certain things with them—particularly drinking—because there is a risk that I may spiral and show symptoms humiliating and uncomfortable to both of us, and I don’t want to put them in a position where they witness or feel like they have to help me manage the white guilt elements of my disorder. These conversations have usually gone well, and the mutual understanding to boundaries takes some of the tension out, which seems to reduce the triggers. It’s messy and awkward and maybe it limits who is willing to be friends with me, but IMHO it’s better than surprising someone.

As for determining whether something is an intrusive thought or actual racism, I guess my answer is: does it matter? Would you manage them differently? Intrusive thoughts may be an evil voice in your brain, but racism is an evil voice in society’s brain.

[pluralasking]

Answers to: Post #108 (System Rules)

[pt: Answers to: Post #108 (System Rules)]

Since these were not posted yet, sorry about that. I hope you enjoy, and that to some, this might be helpful. This is a very long post.

Note that some of these include potentially triggering subjects. Some of these topics include: alcohol, smoking / nikotin, drugs, intrusive thoughts (about inappropriate relationships / feelings), and slurs.

Please read carefully.

- 🌱 Avery

"If you choose to eat it, you must front during the gastrointestinal consequences."

"No birds in the house."

"Check the archive to see how much caffeine we've had today before consuming more caffeine."

"Don't get us arrested without unanimous consent of all frequent fronters."

"Decisions that affect our general wellbeing in major ways should be discussed as a group."

"No matter what skin color, mental disability or any other factor that gives you rights to a slur you should not say that slur if the body isn't allowed to say that."

"No using profanity or crude language outside of headspace but, avoid saying many curses in front of headmates under 14."

"Respect alters boundaries."

"If you are at front and a new alter shows up, please tell them what is going on and help them set up a profile on Plural kit & Simply Plural."

"Anyone our announcers and or gatekeepers have marked off limits , we aren’t allowed to talk to OR we have to be cautious around."

"As a system we have a very high justice system. Not In the way we have trials but in the way we have councilmen for every layer of the system. The rule is to always respect the rules of the overseer in that layer. Not in a dictator or whatever way , just like make sure to keep the place clean and shit."

"If you have a job in headspace you should always make sure it’s something that doesn’t require money (we don’t have such a thing in headspace). If you have a job related to that we just have trades or give stuff away for free."

"If you encounter anyone that’s not the main partner in our partner system , just be safe n ignore em unless they say hi"

"Always go to a higher up if you want a prnscc made or a card or an anything like that."

"Anarchy: no hierarchies, no one is "in charge", no one "owns" the body or life, collaborative, consenting, compassionate."

"Take care of the little."

"Respect our collective friends."

"Avoid damaging the body (e.g. no smoking)"

"Respect each other's beliefs, privacy, and wishes/boundaries. Don't try to disprove everyone you disagree with. Don't go trying to recall other people's memories, or try to watch when they want privacy."

"Maintaining the body + the singletsona are of utmost importance. Follow the pre-set routine as best as possible when involved in front."

"Don't be a dick. Especially do not be a dick to the short list of system friends; they are the trusted few and these relationships are to be preserved. Before engaging in public spaces make sure you know or can otherwise internally access the local etiquette. Do not damage or remove meatspace belongings. Respect closed doors within headspace."

"The external world does not have the same understanding that the internal one does- some things must be hidden for the continued peace and/or online safety of the system. (eg, Fakename1, bi lesbian, should not get involved with identity discourse. Fakename2, a fictive who was considered a grown adult in her source world but is a minor in this one, cannot interact with nsfw spaces/content and express her sexuality without claiming the body's age instead of her own.)"

"We made it a rule to not get apps or make purchases online without consulting others. This is in part to help make sure impulse purchases are less likely, as well as to help give some protection against viruses and such."

"We use Lighthouse, which allows each member to keep their own private journal. We made an agreement that we wouldn't look at anyone else's journal without their express permission, which we don't ask for unless we have to. This is primarily so we don't have to deal with individual passwords, but we've also carried this over onto other sites, such as chatrooms on Simply Plural, which are chats that are meant for us to have private conversations, and no one is allowed to look in a chatroom they aren't a part of unless invited in another channel."

"We decided that we would keep any and all in-system romantic relationships private. We've seen a lot of people being weird about them, and we didn't want to deal with that. We made this rule when two of our members decided to start dating. We've considered extending this rule to *any* in-sys relationship, as we've seen others being weird about even siblings who are siblings in-source, but at the moment it's just romantic relationships we keep private."

"Our main rule is no self-harm that could permanently damage the body, and no putting the body in situations you know are dangerous."

"As an adult system, we do allow our system members to drink, but the rules remind them that the body's tolerance is low. As drugs including weed are illegal where we live, it is against the system rules to have them, or smoke nicotine."

"Follow server rules is another one, which includes a subclause about persecutors not being an asshole to people we like to try to push them away."

"In our system we allow tattoos, piercings, and hair dye, but we ask that system members think about what would look nice on the body rather than just what they want. We kinda view the body as a dress up doll."

"Be kind and considerate to other members and to people outside the system unless necessary / it's to avoid harm to another or ourselves - this includes asking everyone involved with something that happened for permission for sharing details about said thing, especially ones that are more personal to them, not joking about, say, someone's source if they don't want it even mentioned, etc."

"if there are walk-ins asking to join the system (because our system works like that,) we need to make sure everyone consents to them being around, ESPECIALLY people who oppose them / the orgs they're a part of insource (ex: our hsr boothill fictive when considering IPC members, etc.) we can't exactly just disengage if we're uncomfortable, as our ability to hold our mental tongues / walk away from insys conversation is unreliable at best and just useless at worst, so we're extra careful with who we consider part of the system."

"no claiming to be Literally Part of X Culture when we're bodily not. members can, like, unclaim our bodily race / culture if they feel like it - most of us don't resonate with the body's ethnic experience, even if we do live it - but claiming to be say, black when we're actually 100% not black will never be on the table. this also means no joking about other people being X race, no making comments, etc."

"no purposely using slurs / derogatory terms towards other members or other people irl. if we know something is a slur and someone uses it as an insult knowing it's a slur, that's breaking this rule."

"no yelling or screaming / argue quietly and don't be mean about it, even if someone's being stupid. this one actually started as a way to tiptoe around trauma triggers (waves in trauma holder host) but then we realized that this has 100% helped our own conflict resolution skills and made it an actual thing."

"if someone brings up something they want to do and the brain pushes back, it's off the table 100% until further notice. we have autistic PDA so it's not like it's just a preference; we literally can't branch out that much."

"if two people are hanging out alone in front and are not partners, they must call another person to be a "buffer" the moment someone catches intrusive feelings for another, especially if they're siblings and/or if one is an adult and the other is a minor. i know!! this sounds extremely problematic! so some context: sometimes, our OCD will force members to get crushes on other members, especially if the one of them is being hyperfixated on, and it's always with people that cannot date without one or both going to jail. **it's not something we want**; it shows up and goes away at random and everyone involved hates it the entire time, but we have to deal with it anyway so that's why we have this rule. attempts to just. walk away from co-con for the time being and wait it out just don't work because they'll just teleport back, so we call up a buffer (90% of the time one of the people involveds' actual partner, because of course the brain chooses people in existing relationships too) to distract the brain with jangly headmate-shaped keychain."

"No one is allowed to touch alcohol or drugs."

"Do not intentionally do anything to harm self or others."

"Cursing is banned(with exceptions for words we are more comfortable with)."

"Any breaking of the rules will result in a temporary ban from fronting or certain areas of the inner world depending on where the rule breaking took place."

"All other major decisions must be put to a vote"

"Take the meds everyday"

"Respect the headmates' relationships"

"Respect the body"

"Reach out to our partner systems if needed or in danger"

[sanguineterrain]

about first place | eddie munson

hey guys remember when i wrote for stranger things? lol.

so this is another installment of my about a boy series. you don't have to read them to understand this fic, but idk, you might like those too! check them out if you feel like :)

Summary: Eddie asks you to change plans. You spiral.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x gn!reader

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings/tags: intrusive (violent and one self-harm) thoughts, self deprecating thoughts, reader spirals, eddie is hurtful (by accident) to the reader, but they communicate and it's resolved. reader feels like they are cast aside and there is trauma behind that feeling. reader is sensitive to rejection and has trouble communicating.

my fics aren't intended to be used as models for perfect communication or anything like that HOWEVER this fic is intended to be a story about communication and building trust and navigating a partner's trauma. if these topics are triggering to you, DO NOT READ.

if you enjoy this, please let me know through reblogs (and a comment, if you feel like!)

divider by firefly-graphics | i reblog all fics to @sanguinelibrary

Fridays are dinner nights with Eddie. Sometimes you do them on Saturday, but usually, every week, you two have dinner. It hasn’t gone on for very long; you’ve only just begun to feel comfortable eating in front of Eddie. But you like it. Sometimes Wayne joins you two. It feels like you have a home.

And after every dinner, you confirm with Eddie that he'll come over next week too. People like when you confirm plans in advance. You like when people confirm plans and keep their commitments. 

You like that Eddie comes over. You like that he wants to come over. 

The phone rings. You put down the wooden spoon and answer. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweet thing!" Eddie says. "Hey, so, I'm at Gareth's place right now, and our campaign is running long. It's so good, babe, I just created this new storyline and everybody loves it! Wheeler even said she might join next week. Am I a genius or what?"

You smile. "You're a genius, Eds. Nancy appreciates a good story; I’m not surprised you wowed her.”

"Aw, you flatter me, sweet thing. So, uh, I know I'm supposed to come over for dinner, but would it be okay if I took a rain check? Only because…"

You don't hear the rest of the sentence. The only thing that rings in your ears is rain check. Eddie's canceling. Eddie's sick of you. 

"...Is that alright?" he finally asks. "I'll take you out to dinner tomorrow." 

Your chest constricts. Eddie's expecting agreeability. He's expecting your acquiescence to the fact that he's sick of you. 

"Sure," you say tightly. 

There's a pause. Then, "So, I’ll swing by tomorrow?"

"No." You haven't prepared to interact with people tomorrow, you prepared for today. And tonight was planned a week in advance, but Eddie wants to change plans. Eddie cares more about Hellfire than spending time with you. 

Eddie is just like the rest of them.

"How ‘bout Monday? Or later next week? I wanna spend time with you, sweet thing."

Your throat feels tight. You need to end the conversation now or your guts will unspool all over the floor and Eddie will hear you try to stuff them back into your stomach. 

"It's fine. We don't need to reschedule. Bye."

You hang up. Immediately, your stomach hurts. Why should you feel guilty? Eddie abandoned plans that you made a week ago for his other friends. Eddie doesn't care about you. That's always how it goes. People hurt you and they don't care, and then you're the one who feels guilty for hanging up on them. 

Thoughts of Eddie crashing his van or Eddie getting struck by lightning flash unbidden into your mind and your stomach ache gets worse. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you think those things? You don't want that to happen to Eddie. You love Eddie, even though you were bound to eat too much love and get a stomach ache. 

You feel like doing something that would make your mother mad at you. You feel like digging your nails into the bathroom tile grout and scraping until you see the sun. You feel like carving scars into the kitchen table. 

Goddammit, you need to stop the bad thoughts. Think good thoughts. Think thoughts normal people have. Pretend you're normal. Pretend you're loved. 

You look at the pot of boiling water. Would Eddie come over if you stuck your hand in?

No, God, what's wrong with you? You fucking psycho. This is why no one keeps their plans with you! Eddie's job isn't to take care of you, to hold your hand and pet your hair and tell you he's happy to be here with you. 

You're wrong, you were born wrong, and that's your problem, not his. That's why he's gone. That's why everybody leaves. 

Knock knock. 

You look at the door, spooked. Did someone hear your thoughts? Are they finally here to take you away? 

"Sweet thing, you there? Can I please come in?"

If you let Eddie in, you'll have to tell him it's okay, and your guts will be there for him to see because you haven't cleaned them up yet, and he'll know you've been crying over him even though he called first which is more than you've ever been given before, and your stomach ache will triple and and and—

"It's open," you say. 

Eddie comes in. Your face is impenetrable. Stone. No, concrete. No, obsidian. Your face is obsidian, and Eddie's got a plastic hammer. You'll win and you can scoop up your guts later. 

"Hey," Eddie says softly. "Hey, sweetheart."

You take a step back. This is a trick.

"Why aren't you with your friends?" you ask, crossing your arms.

Eddie winces. "I’m sorry, baby. That was a mistake. I realized that after we hung up. I shouldn't have tried to reschedule. You and I made plans, and they're important to me. I ended the game—we're gonna meet next week." 

"You can go. I don't care."

Eddie's mouth flattens. You've hurt his feelings, but he hurt yours first, but you don't want to hurt his at all, but but but—

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Eddie says. "I don't want to reschedule or ditch our plans. I wanna spend time with you, I do."

"I don't want you here," you say. "I want you to leave, Eddie. I don't forgive you."

Eddie's face crumples. But he nods. "Okay, baby. I-I'll leave if you want me to go. I respect your space. You don't have to forgive me right now." 

Oh no. Eddie came prepared. Eddie has a diamond-tipped drill. 

"I'm never first," you blurt.

Eddie tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

He's still gentle. He's still here. Even though you didn't forgive him. Even though you're mad at him. Even though you'll never be normal. He's listening anyway. 

"No one puts me first. You did, but then you didn't tonight, even though I made plans enough time in advance. A week is enough time. People are supposed to stick to plans when you ask them a week ahead. It's my fault when I don't give them enough time, and it makes sense when they don't want to spend time with me then, but this time it wasn't my fault. You're supposed to decide you don't like me before this point. It hurts less when you decide earlier." 

Your chest heaves. Eddie's stepping all over your guts. He tracks them across the carpet as he gets closer. You watch the bloody intestine footprints slop behind him. 

"But you said yes. But then you wanted out. I'm never—I'm never first."

Eddie's face splinters further. "Oh, sweetheart—"

You wipe your eyes, pulling the skin hard. 

"I do like you," he says, and your sob breaks. "I do. Nothing'll make me stop liking you. And I love you still. I didn't ask that because I don't like you. It-it doesn't matter why I asked, but avoiding you wasn't the reason. It was a thoughtless thing I did. I thought you wouldn't mind, but you do, and that's okay. That's valid. I want you to tell me that. I want you to say, "Eddie, you dummy, I love ya, but let's keep our plans," and I'll come home."

"You didn't want to," you say, and cry harder. 

"No, baby, it's not like that at all. I wanted to do both, I like the idea of both. I always enjoy spending time with you. I thought maybe since we do this regularly, you wouldn't mind something different too."

You're overreacting. You're scary. This is wrong. This isn't how norm—fucking fuck that word! 

"I'm sorry," you blubber, quivering in place. 

Your legs feel weak. You lean against the counter for support.

Eddie shakes his head. He's a foot away. 

"What're you apologizing for, baby? You don't have to apologize. I hurt you, not the other way around."

"I'm guilty," you say, crying into your hands. "I'm guilty too. I thought bad thoughts. I didn't mean to, but I did, and now you're here, but I want you to be here because you want to be, not because I… I…"

"Is it okay if I touch you?" 

You nod, and Eddie's arms slide around you. Every time he hugs you, you're certain you won't fit together. But you always do. 

"It's okay if you thought bad thoughts," Eddie says into your ear. You feel his voice vibrate through your chest. "You're not your thoughts. And it's okay if some of those thoughts were because you were hurting from what I said. I’m really sorry, sweet thing. I have angry thoughts too, sometimes. But that's all they are. Just thoughts. Just noise. They don't make you bad. You're good. So, so good."

You wrap your arms around Eddie's neck and hug hard. He squeezes you back just as tightly. The pressure feels good. 

"I w-want you to hang out with friends, but I want you to k-keep our plans first," you say, and then brace yourself. You take great, big, shuddering breaths. 

"That is a very reasonable ask, my love. I’ll do that from now on. And how 'bout if we want to change plans, we'll ask at least three days in advance? Is that fair?”

You nod against his shoulder. You stay like that, Eddie rubbing circles on your back. His curls tickle your wet cheek.

"Sorry I ruined it," you say. 

"No, no, you didn't ruin anything. I made a mistake and we're learning how to communicate better. We’re learning.”

"I was scary."

"I don't think so, baby." 

You're quiet for a moment. "I want you to stay and eat with me."

He squeezes your arm. "I would love nothing more, sweet thing." 

You take the colander out of the cabinet. Eddie pushes your guts back into your stomach. No one's ever done that for you.

Perhaps you are loved. No pretending necessary. 

[beesfairlyland]

Hello babies!!!💗

Soo i wanted to update you guys about the tapes I've been listening to by @adambja. They've been an holy grail for my journey!!

Soo let's start with the I AM IN CONTROL TAPE(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

I couldn't listen to it regularly for a week but i listened as much as i could!

Day 1:- I listened to it for like 2 hrs sat in peace and focused on the affirmations. I felt good ...and tbh those audible affirmations make you feel already in control.

Day 2:- Listened for like 1.5 hrs. I felt good while listening but some doubts started to come on surface. But i comforted myself telling that these are just thoughts and i have to let them go now.

Day 3:- I tested out how much am i in control😏. When i sleep for late my aunts wake me up saying it's late. So in the morning when i woke up slightly. I just said they won't say me anything and I'll sleep for however long i can and guess whatt?? No one disturbed me at all and it was the first time😭 i didn't get disturbed! I listened for like an hour.

Day 4:- i Manifested some food that i was craving...first time i Manifested some food tbh😭 i started to gain soo much of confidence i swear im loving it and im in love with adamja!!😭💗

Day 5:- soo we were going to a party and our plan to go got cancelled. I was like no we'll go....I kid you not the very next second my brother came and told us to get ready���

I kept listening to the tape on and off till self concept tape came. I didn't listen to it with any intention tbh i just used it for fun with zero expectations. My confidence literally sky rocketed!!😭 I felt soo much in control. All of my intrusive thoughts literally started disappearing. Then came the self concept tape...it was just for three days but I swear the way it changed my thoughts i was shocked!

SELF CONCEPT tape review (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

I listened to it for 3 hrs for 3 days ... didn't listen it overnight coz im a light sleeper and can't sleep with something playing in the background. This tape is GOLD.

Day 1:- I had a mental breakdown the morning.... literally cried for hrs even tho in my head i was affirming im okay and everything's alright 💀my aunts fucking my head for like 2 3 days. And then came the tape and omgg the moment i started to listen to it.... first of all hearing those affirmations make you soo powerful and then the secret benefits she puts idk i felt soo much at peace and thoughts like "it's all just an illusion....this all doesn't even matter why to cry over it" started coming.

Day 2:- when i woke up i was soo much at peace even tho yesterday was shit for me. And i just decided i want peace. Haven't been this much peace in my house from past 2 3 yrs😭 and oh boy i felt soo detached from the 3d. I was soo happy.

Day 3:- i completely detached from the 3d. Nothing triggered me. And my circumstances don't even matter anymore. All of my desires felt soo natural and i completely detached from the void. I didn't even wavered not at all. Zero doubts. Im completely living in my 4d naturally I don't have to remind myself anymore about fulfilling myself...i a already in the state and i don't feel like doing anything to get my desires. And i just manifested my wifi working properly just by intention! And now ik I'll wake up in the void any time soon!😭 I don't even feel much excited now ... feels like it is a fact already. I've Never felt this much at peace ever!!

I swear guyss these tapes are soo good...god knows how powerful her paid tapes are😭 and ppl who say these are JUST TAPES....NOO THESE ARE SOME MFING HELLA POWERFUL TAPES!! She do have cheaper self concept and void tape too...go for it!! And if you can't then listen to the free tapess!!😭😭 Those are effective....aff.

And if you come at me saying im supporting those high priced tapes and advertising her tapes.

NOO I AM NOT ADVERTISING.... it's my experience try them out yourself and then say something and if she's pricing them that much ofcc it must be having some real powerful stuff(benefits) in it!! No one's forcing you too buy the tapes ....try the free ones!! And i am one of those person who never got any results from subliminals. Soo im soo happy i found these tapes!😭💗

And in the end i really really really wanna thank @adambja for providing us these tapes🫶🏻💗 you are soo kind!! i am soo grateful for having you as my mutual. And we appreciate you soo much for your hardwork. Don't let the hate and mean comments let you down. There are many ppl here who adore you soo much. We all are glad to be a part of the CULT(as haters say lol😭).

-love, bee💗✨

[the1975attheirverybest]

Pure Comedy

A/N: I think its about time I wrote this one.

Warnings: nuance. If thinking triggers you, skip this one.

----

Matty lit the extra joint that he had left for her, taking a first drag, like a quality assessor, before passing it over to her.

"Do you ever wish that I wasn't so...infamous?" he asked sinking back into the couch, resting his head on her shoulder, with his own joint in hand.

She glanced at him briefly, smiling, "Nah. I love having a rockstar boyfriend."

"I know you do." he giggled. "I said 'infamous,' though. Like....known for being a- 'walking intrusive thought.'" a faint smile flashed, fleetingly, across his face.

She hummed, thoughtfully, considering his question. Matty brought the blunt over to his lips.

"No, you know what? I really don't." she shook her head, the motion prompting him to move his head off her shoulder and sit back.

"that's good."

She turned to look into his eyes, "I know you. Knew what I was in for when I went out with you. The information was disclosed in the girlfriend contract."

He chuckled. "Was it?"

"In big bold letters 'WILL GET CANCELED. NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.'"

"Hmm." He hummed in satisfaction, his foggy eyes zoning out as hr looked in front of him.

A moment of comfortable silence pass them by before Matty spoke again. "Good...that's good." he affirmed, reaching over and pulling her into his arms. "Would hate for you to be affected by it, or like, have people in your life give you shit or something." he kissed the top of her head as his arms squeezed her tight.

"Oh, that doesn't really happen anymore."

"It doesn't happen anymore?!! as in...it's happened in the past?"

she exhaled a puff, "mhm, a while ago, though."

Matty pulled himself away from her, looking aghast, "When?! Why have you never told me?"

"It's- yooo don't just un-hug me like that" she whined, grabbing him by his t shirt to pull him back in. "It's not that important. I can't remember when– maybe after a podcast, or a twitter thing, or something..."

"That's not very specific."

she laughed, accidentally inhaling the smoke and going into a coughing fit. "Does it - uhmm- really matter when it happened? it was like....a few months after we got together. a couple people I knew from college." She cleared her throat, watching as Matty got off the couch and walked across the living room to bring her her water bottle."

"thanks," she took a big gulp. 'Anyway, yeah, I wasn't, like, close with these people or anything. They sent me an article that the Sun had written about you -- i mean, if they're stupid enough to take that bullshit disgrace to journalism seriously then I don't really want them as my friends anyway-- and asked how I associate with you, and I told them where to shove it."

Matty held back a smile, "And...that didn't bother you? or cause you doubt?"

"Cause me doubt? no, not really. Bother me? maybe a bit, but, like, who cares what they think, you know?"

His tense shoulders relaxing as he sat with her words for a moment, Matty sighed loudly. "And your, like, real friends? never said anything to you?"

She smiled, "they have."

"What?! Why hav-"

"You wanna see the texts? I'll show you..." She pulled the phone out of her pocket, scrolling through a group chat exchange for a long minute, "Ah, here it is!"

"This one says, Matty getting banned from Dubai, with a bunch of like emojis and stuff. Is he alright? have you spoken to him?, and I told them that, yeah, I'd called you and you're alright and that you'd already been in Japan by that point."

Matty nodded, recalling the incident.

"So, Francis was like Oh, good! So I can fangirl without feeling bad about it cuz WHAT A FUCKIN BALLSY MOVE!!! And blasting the pride flag?? respecttttt. Ellie replies with Wait, when did that happen? I'm about to get off work. Have I missed something? I explained it to her and she said 'bout to blast 'Loving Someone' with the windows down omw homeeee. with a bunch of hearts and pride flags and stuff."

She handed Matty her phone to look at for himself. Smiling, he nodded and gave it back.

"You've been googling your name again, haven't you?"

"to be fair, when am I not googling myself?"

She giggled, shaking her head. "it's a toxic habit. you really gotta quit it, you know?"

"hmm."

She could tell, from the look in his eyes, that his mind was elsewhere, and she knew why.

"The way I see it is, like, the people who try an cancel you once evry fortnight fall into one of two categories: first, the people whose identity is so intertwined with performative call-out culture that your disruption threatens their sense of who they are; and, second, the people who are like 'oh its repetitive, its immature, i wish he'd just stop and be himself this is bad for him."

"Right."

"the first group...well, its not really even about you. It's just that their thinking is 'either you're down with woke culture and you must examine and call out every little thing, or you're a vile, selfish person who needs to be treated like the villain that you are.' You, my love, don't fit into either one of those options. But there is no room for that in their black and white thinking....like, it scares them to think that....they have to abandon their fundamental beliefs about what it means to be a progressive, or like, an advocate for change. And if they can't think of themselves as that, then that means that they don't know what to think or believe anymore."

Matty had been listening, impatiently, waiting to interject. "and you've never wondered if maybe they're right? that you're just blinded by my life changing dick and angelic voice?"

She laughed, hitting his chest playfully. "sure, I have. before I agreed to commit to you. And, look, i'm not unsympathetic to these people. it's scary, the state of the world that we live in. we all wanna be part of the solution. you're suggesting that maybe this solution isn't really effective, and that persisting with it is a waste of time. You're existing in this third alternative where you say 'there are better ways maybe. have we tried something new?' and thats uncomfortable. like, they do genuinely believe in their way of things. of course they're gonna be upset when someone shakes things up."

"That....is true." Matty shifted in his seat, crossing his legs.

"The second group- well, I guess I get where they're coming from even if I don't think the same way. When they tell you to shut up and sing, or when they wish you would 'just be yourself,' they're not actually asking for authenticity. They're asking for mindlessness. They don't want to have to think. To doubt or double-check or dig deeper into what they see you doing and saying. They just want total entertainment forever. Straight from the court jester to that sweet, sweet dopamine center in the brain."

Matty hummed in agreement. "I get that way sometimes. Its why I watch-"

"Porn?" She grinned at him, slyly.

"I was going with 'trash tv' but...sure, porn too. It's escapism, it's turning off your brain....relaxing."

"Right, and there's nothing wrong with that. But that's not who you are, Matty. You don't make escapism. You couldn't even if you wanted to. It's not in your nature. Fuck, if it were, you wouldn't get into these bi-weekly cancelation cycles. I think you'd be miserable if you tried to shut the fuck up."

"I know, I know. And I don't usually bother- I just-" "You're human. you make mistakes. That's authenticity. not...easy jokes and purity."

"Purity?" Matty's eyebrow quirked.

"Mhm. Purity is for suckers. Art doesn't exist without ambiguity."

" expensive price to pay as an artist."

"yeah, but like you are an artist. You're incapable of being happy doing anything else."

Matty's chest welled up, tears in the corners of his eyes. It was beautiful, being known so intimately by her.

"God, I'm pretentious." He quipped,

"Your heart is in it. That's what matters. Makes it not pretentious."

"Right, yeah. If only we weren't literally getting high and having this deep conversation right now."

,

[reasonsmandy]

Smarty Pants

Eddie Roundtree x Fem!Reader

✧.* requested by @holymotherfxrkingshirtballs — Eddie Roundtree fix based off of Jackie and Hyde from that 70a show?? Basically Eddie hates her cause he thinks she's shallow and a bit spoiled sometimes but she ADORES Eddie. I'm just asking for that one scene where Jackie tries to make Hyde jealous by bringing this guy and Hyde is like "it's... cool" but deep down he's jealous and he's like "pull yourself together man" to himself. And the guy she brings is calling her a bitch and stuff and Hyde is like "oh no" and punches him. Then he's like just in denial about liking her then everyone tells him he likes her and he just comes to his senses.

✧.* summary — Eddie had a back foot when it came to you, some disagreements between you made him think that you were spoiled and that you thought too much of yourself. However, that wasn't going to stop him from defending your name.

✧.* warnings — Eddie being kinda mean.

✧.* word count — 2.3k

✧.* 🎸 — Eddie's masterlist

✧.* mandy's notes — I had never watched the series before and I had so much fun watching the episode, writing this was very satisfying. Hope you like it as much as I do 🫶🏾

"Eddie man you're not making any sense, right now." Warren says, sipping some of his beer. "She's great, everybody likes her…."

"Yeah man, Warren is right." Graham continues, receiving from Roundtree just an eye roll. "Tell me, what's the reason you don't like her? The real reason."

"She's just annoying, you think she's cool because you're not the ones who have to listen to her guesses on your stuff!" Eddie settles back in his chair, taking a long drag on his cigarette.

"Can't get you bro, sorry to tell you that." Warren shrugs as he takes out a cigarette to smoke. "Not to mention she likes you man, she enjoys your company."

"I just answered your question!" He shrugs. "It's not that I don't like her at all, I just think she sticks her nose in a lot."

"That looks like passion, huh." Graham says with a smirk on his face, Roundtree grabs the nearest pillow and throws it at the younger Dunne.

Graham's words left Roundtree thoughtful, after all this would never have been a possibility for him, you were always so irritating, so intrusive in his point of view that to suggest that he's in love with you was almost absurd. You would never have done anything to anger Roundtree for harm, but your way of helping was considered invasive in his view, apparently.

You adored him, you always had a lot of admiration for him since you were a small band in Pittsburgh and knowing the incredible potential he had you always encouraged him and gave him advice to improve and be better. It wasn't a secret to anyone, after all you never wanted to hide it, that you admired him a lot, and your friends already knew that you liked him in a way more than just admiration.

However, in the last few days you've noticed that he avoids you, that your presence and your comments make him roll his eyes and "snort" with irritation, you don't understand why and what you could have done to trigger this type of reaction. You then decided to have a frank conversation with him, trying to understand what could have happened, but for a change you always missed each other at the house, or rather... He always avoided you at the house.

Hate was not the word that would define Eddie's feelings for you, perhaps the ideal would be bother. There was something about you that moved him, that made him think, question, and consequently bothered. He knew you were very talented, from the day you got in band he knew you were a point to take off from, that you would always grow in there, but from the moment you started to give him too many tips and advice he got extremely bothered. His view began to change about you, he knew that any time you communicated with him it would be you giving a tip on his solos, or anything else related to the way he played.

As he was leaving his room one day, you caught him in the hallway. "Hey Eddie, can we talk for a bit?" you asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "What smarty pants, you want to tell me how to play my guitar again?"

You dropped your gaze, fidgeting with the rings on your hand. "No, I just wanted to know if you're coming to Cami's party tonight."

"Why do you care?" Eddie asked, crossing his arms.

"Well, Warren will be late and Graham and Karen already left," you explained. "I thought maybe we could go together."

Eddie chuckled wryly. "You and me? Yeah, that's a great idea," he said sarcastically. "Sorry, I'll pass. See you later."

He leaves towards his room leaving you with a tightness in your chest as you watch him leave, the frustration is suddenly replaced by an impulse of anger. You got to the phone and dial the number of the man from the record company who has been hitting on you lately. He answers on the second ring.

"Hi, is this Jay's number?" You say after you hear a noise on the line.

"Hey, Y/N! What's up?" he says.

"Hey, I was wondering if you're free tonight," you say, twirling a lock of hair around your finger.

"Of course, for you, always," he says, his voice dripping with charm.

"I'm going to Cami's party, and I don't want to go alone. Do you want to come with me?" you ask, your heart beating faster as you wait for his answer.

"Absolutely. I've been wanting to spend more time with you," he says, and you can hear the smile in his voice.

"Great, I'll pick you up at 9?" you say, already starting to plan your outfit.

"Sounds perfect. I'll be ready," he says.

You hang up the phone, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. You've never really considered him in that way, but he's always been sweet and attentive to you. Maybe tonight is the night to give him a chance. That was what you tried to convince yourself of, but deep down you knew that your desire was to make Roundtree jealous, to play games and see if he really didn't care about you.

…

Later that night, you arrive at the party with him by your side. The house is beautifully decorated with fairy lights and balloons, and the music is already thumping.

You spot Cami and a group of friends by the drinks table and head over to say hi. As you chat with them, you can't help but feel a bit disappointed that Eddie isn't here yet, but you try to push those thoughts away. Deep down you expected him to show up at your bedroom door, telling you that he changed his mind and that he would love to go with you to the party, but obviously that didn't happen, and there you were feeling ridiculous to think he could consider you even once.

"Honey, are you alright?" Karen whispers in your ear, noticing you distant.

"Yes, of course." You lie, forcing a smile. Karen raises her eyebrows noting how sincere you weren't being "I just need to get some air." You say walking away, letting your companion know you wanted some air.

Eddie caught sight of you and Jay a few moments before you left. He hadn't taken his eyes off you since he arrived, intrigued by your company, he sees you walking away for a smoke- he guessed, and his eyes narrowed for a moment before he composed himself. He walked over to you with a nonchalant expression, but you could see the tension in his shoulders.

"Hey, Smarty Pants. Looks like you found yourself a date," he said, gesturing to Jay.

You feel a pang of annoyance at his comment. "I couldn't come alone," you reply coolly.

"Well, I'm glad you found someone," he says, offering you a cigarette. You accept, and he lights it for you before turning to go back to the rest of the band.

As he walks away, you can't help but feel a twinge of regret. Maybe you shouldn't have come to the party with Jay after all. But you shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts.

"Look if it's not my favorite bassist." Rojas says approaching you, he was clearly stoned. "Why are you here looking like a stray dog? Let's have fun! Come with me."

You laugh at his state, and follow him to the "dance floor", Warren distracted you for so long that you didn't notice that Eddie approached Jay a few minutes ago.

"Look who it is," Eddie said as he approached Jay and sat down beside him. "My replacement for the night."

"What man?" Jay asks without understanding Roundtree's speech.

"Nevermind." Eddie says crossing his arms. "So you and Y/N, uh? What's the deal man, I mean…"

Jay shrugged. "She's hot, man. I've had a thing for her since the first day she appeared at the label. Okay, her conversations are very boring and I almost fall asleep when she opens her mouth but."

Eddie laughs at the comment, interrupting him. "Ah, it's not like that either, sometimes she's a little too much but with time you get used to it."

"But I won't have to learn to deal with her either." He shrugs and Eddie frowns. "I just want to get into her pants anyway. I've been crazy to fuck her ever since we first met."

"Are you fucking serious?" Eddie's voice was low, full of hate.

Jay just shrugs. "She's hot, and you must know that when a man has his needs he does it his way. What's the big deal?"

Eddie's face contorted with anger. "The big deal is that she's not just some piece of meat, you fucking asshole. She's a person with feelings, and you're treating her like she's nothing."

Jay rolls his eyes. "Relax, man. I was just joking around."

"It's not a joke," Eddie snaps. "And I don't want to hear you talk about her like that ever again."

Jay smirks again. "Or what?"

As you dance with Warren, you notice Eddie and Jay sitting in the backyard together. You can't hear what they're saying, but their body language is tense. Suddenly, Eddie stands up, looking furious, and says something to Jay that makes him laugh.

"What's going on over there?" Rojas asks, nodding in their direction.

"I don't know," you reply, feeling a sense of unease. "I'll go see what it is."

"Hey hey niña, it seems to be getting ugly." Rojas stands in front of you, preventing you from going. "Stay here."

Eddie's eyes flash with rage, and he lunges forward, punching Jay in the face. Jay falls back onto the grass, and the two of them start fighting, rolling around on the ground and throwing punches.

"Warren!" You exclaim running towards the two, little by little the whole party saw the scene and were watching from afar.

Billy separates the fight and Eddie gets up, dusting himself off. He turns to Jay, who's still lying on the ground with a bruised face.

"I hope you got the message, asshole," Eddie says, his voice cold and dangerous.

Jay scrambles to his feet, holding his nose which is bleeding now, and runs away from the party, while the other guests disperse, muttering to themselves. Eddie walks away, heading into the house to clear his head and calm down. He still didn't understand the reason for his sudden outburst, but he wasn't going to let anyone talk about you that way!

You go towards him, finding him in Billy and Camila's room, you decide to go to the kitchen first to get some ice for his hand. When you return, you knock three times on the door calling the blonde's attention. He smiles weakly at you, and soon you walk in and sit next to him.

You rush over to Eddie, who's holding his injured hand. "Are you okay?" you ask, concern etched on your face.

"I'll live," he replies, wincing as you gently examine his hand.

"What the fuck happened out there?" You asked, putting the ice on his hand. "You shouldn't have done that," you say softly, shaking your head.

"He deserved it," Eddie says, his eyes burning with anger. "I won't let anyone talk about you like that."

You look up at him, surprised by his words. "What do you mean?" you ask, curious.

"I mean, he was objectifying you like you were just some kind of toy," Eddie says, his voice softer now. "You're more than that, Y/N. You deserve better and that prick was overcoming all the boundaries."

"Let me see that hand," you say, taking his hand gently and examining the wound. You drag him to the bathroom, clean it up as best as you can with a tissue, and he winces at the sting of the alcohol.

Eddie doesn't take his eyes off you for a second, and you feel his gaze on you. "You're confusing you know?"

"What?" He says, being taken aback by you.

"I genuinely thought you hated me." You laugh, looking him in the eyes. "But now I don't know what to think anymore."

"I don't know how to explain what I feel for you smarty pants." Eddie whispers, getting closer to you. "I just know I wasn't going to let that bastard talk about you like that and pass it off."

"Thank you, you didn't have to do that..." You say turning your focus back to his wound. "How are you going to play now huh grumpy?"

"I have no idea." He says laughing. "I think this would be a good opportunity to take a day off."

You nod, thinking that would be the end of it, but he opens his mouth to speak and gives up multiple times.

"Just say it already." You chuckle.

"I was just thinking that maybe I could, like, I don't know..." He looks nervous, and you stop touching his hand to give him your full attention. He takes a deep breath. "That maybe, you know... Do you want to spend this day with me?"

You are taken aback, a smile spreads across your face. "Wow, let me get this straight. Is Eddie Demetrius Roundtree asking me out?"

He laughs sheepishly, running his free hand through his hair. "Yes, I'm asking you out Y/N L/N"

"Friday at 3pm." You say finishing the bandage. "I'll wait for you in my room."

You walk out of there leaving him with a silly smile on his face. Hitting someone had never been so worth it. And he looked forward to seeing what this new thing would lead to.

"A date on Friday, huh?" Warren's voice catches him by surprise. "I thought she was annoying."

"Were you spying on us?" Eddie says with raised eyebrows.

"Spying is a strong word, I just passed by and ended up listening to you guys" Rojas winks, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

Warren Rojas: I was definitely spying on them.

...

Hi, I hope you enjoyed it... If you wanted to ask for something my requests are open, and if you want to ask and don't have any ideas check out my prompt list :) xoxo

Want to be tagged when new stories come out? REASONSMANDY'S TAG LIST

[thexie-and-stars]

Intro!

@tazmaboxed

I acknowledge the Traditional Owners and Custodians of this country. In particular, I acknowledge the Indigenous Elders of the Wurundjeri people, part of the Kulin nation, where I live and learn and pay my respects to their Indigenous Elders past, present and emerging. Sovereignty has never been ceded. It always was and always will be, Aboriginal land. [credits to @elliewasaghost for the template]

dni: general dni criteria, MAPs, paraphiles [not people with paraphilic disorder], nazis, Radqueers, Radfems, porn bots. if you piss me off, i will block you

FUCK JKR. TERFS, SWERFS AND FARTS CAN GO DIE

THIS USER HAS INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, PLEASE BE MINDFUL

I do not support Neil Gaiman, Always support the victims.

JOIN THIS: GAY DISCORD

IT'S GAY

I do vent posts a lot. If i'm actually in crisis it will be either untagged or tagged with #crisis. if not, please disregard because im just dealing with shit.

I will make moodboards on request SEND ASKS

WILL ALSO GIVE ADVICE

I edit wikipedia and fandom pages, lemme know if there's something wrong on a page and i'll take a look!

I run a tumblr community about special intrests and hyperfixations. If you want to join, DM me or send an ask!

HALLOWEEN SECRET SKETELONS: Asks sent

The theme on my website/tumblr page is not mine, I customized it. the credits are on the website.

art blog: @theo-th3-trans-art-b01

emergency ray toro bc i am mentaly silliy

reasons not to kill yourself: Link :3

RIP @venomvolts-deactivated20240803 I hope you re-join tumblr someday, you will be remembered

@xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx

I realised I haven't done one of these so:

Name: Theo

Nicknames: Thexie, Thex, Bean

Attraction shit: Bi oriented Aro/Ace.

I don't feel like a human, i feel like a silver fox w antlers. If u don't fw that, DNI

Pronouns: He, It, Rot, Vamp, [Ask as my prefernce changes daily, full list of prns on my pronouns page, go to the bottom of the post]

Gender: Rounded version for cis people. Boyflux transmasc, which means my gender fluctuates on the slidy scale between agender and boy.

Actual full decimaled gender: galaxforieliminalfluxboy. made by me!

Demi-verbal and silly :3

Tags i use:

#me and my posts, theo posting, beans posts : my own posts

#my starry angel: interacting w my best friend @a-perfect-imitation

#bean answers an ask: asks

#i can feel a ghostly prescence: interacting w @elliewasaghost [not used much but holy shit it's a great tag name]

#the lurker's here: @touch-starved-lurker

#beans come to visit: @lots-of-lesbeans-2

#cheeky fucker: @cheekyboybeth

#my chappel town and chemical cave: music tag, mainly my own lyrics, poems, talking about my instruments and occasional songs/covers.

#bean's brain: anything about the stuff listed in my TW area.

#theo spoils: used if a thing im ranting abt has not been widly seen yet, for example, a new season of a tv show.

anything to do with bean/theo: read the other bit of the tag

Triggers: Human balls, anything to do w gen alpha lingo, jokes about rape, talking about sexual assault.

General: I am Irish-Australian and I fence. I have a dog and two cats! I am fine for people to send asks or dm me! I do swear a lot but I don't post nsfw. I do sometimes reblog nsfw, nothing too severe. I AM a minor so please be mindful. . I love it when people send me asks! You can also dm me. I will give out my discord on request. I am polyamorous

Diagnosed: ADHD, Anxiety [all 3 types], Asthma, Autism, Chronic fatigue, chronic pain, Deppression, Hypermobility, Long covid, POTS, Scoliosis, Strabismus, Vision impaired

Probable I have it but not diagnosed yet : BPD, Fibromyalgia

Special interests: Heartstopper, MCR, Art, Autism, general knowledge.

Current Hyperfocus: stardew valley, dayflower

Fandoms: Dead Boy detectives, Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, The Osemanverse, dead end paranormal park, Nimona, stardew valley, MCR, witherburn afterschool news, GRAVITY FALLS

Interests: Trivia

Likes: Cryptids, Books, My laptop, My friends, Watercolours, Drawing, Eating raw onions, Art, Mushrooms

Dislikes: Jam and butter together, Nausea, bad textures, the popular girls

Music i like: Bears in trees, Cavetown, chappel roan, Dayflower, Evanescence fall out boy, girlinred, Mcafferty, MCR, MotherMother, Penelope Scott, Ricky Jamaraz [i'm gay, what do you expect].

My spotify playlist: Trans Tism songs :3 by Theo The Mothman.

Trivia: I play clarinet, guitar and the drums and I have a pair of mechanical wings I use for cosplay

Trigger warnings for things i might post: self harm, mental illness, suicide, family stuff [my mum's abusive], unreality [weirdcore and dissociation],

Mobility Aids I have: cane, crutches, wrist splints, back brace, wheelchair

Meds I take: ADHD meds, Salt Tablets, Melotonin

@frogofalltime is my dad :D

USERBOXES AND LINKS DOWN BELOW \/

credits going left to right, from top left!

@xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx, @system-box

@lgbtq-userboxes, @lgbtq-userboxes,

@sweetpeauserboxes, @burntoutuserboxes

@burntoutuserboxes, @xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx,

@esotericalqueer, @esotericalqueer

@xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx, @cardboard-userboxes

@arcanecollective, @decemberblue

@another-userbox-blog, @sweetpeauserboxes,

@puppyuserboxes, @xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx

@alterhuman-userboxes, @whats-a-human

@xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx, @burntoutuserboxes

@mogaispiderpunk, @blood-moon-night-coining

@totallypumpkin, @frogsforthefrogwar

LINKS \/

pronouns page

posts I wanna keep

last relapse: 4/11/24

haha idk if i'm gonna make it to graduation

tw for that btw

[bpddress-updarling]

DISCLAIMER:⠀i, by no means, realistically support what i say on this blog.⠀this is a safe space for me to talk about obsessive feelings related to bpd in a healthy way that is not hurting anyone.⠀anything discussed on this blog is fantasy or otherwise fictional.

⊹‧˚₊‧꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹ 【 𝅄 𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙨 or 𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘂𝘀 💄𝅄 】 【 𝅄 MINOR ( 17+ ) 𝅄 】 【 𝅄 any pronouns 𝅄 】 【 𝅄 bisexual bigender 𝅄 】 【 𝅄 < O4 O3 21 3 𝅄 】 ⊹‧˚₊‧꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹ 【 𝅄 bpd + audhd 𝅄 】 【 𝅄 bipolar + c-ptsd 𝅄 】 【 𝅄 ocd + depressive 𝅄 】 ⊹‧˚₊‧꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹ ♡ i use the term "yandere" to cope with obsessive thoughts! i do not advocate for irl stalking or murder (obvi) ♡ this blog is used by a pc user! so most things will probably look better on pc rather than mobile ♡ i am a member of a system but that is not the main focus of this blog, however i do have a side blog for system related stuff! (this is also my venting/spam post blog) ♡ this is not my main blog! i use this only for posting, not networking. i'm sorry! ♡ there will absolutely be dark topics mentioned on this blog. things that will be included are mentions of kidnapping, sh, sa, stalking, obsessive behavior, and other things that can trigger people. please be aware before viewing my other content ♡ this blog will not be strictly about obslove, as it will also be a blog for my more taboo or darker intrusive thoughts in general. ⊹‧˚₊‧꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦꒷︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹ #💄 𓂃 text - this tag is for text posts or rambles #💄 𓂃 images - this tag is for images. i try to credit artists or original posters whenever possible #💄 𓂃 sweetheart - this tag is for posts specifically regarding my gf! #💄 𓂃 reblog - this tag is for reblogs, which there might be a lot of, mute if needed! #💄 𓂃 ranting - this tag is for my interests or things that aren't related to this blog's purpose #💄 𓂃 asks - this tag is for asks! please check my blog and feel free to ask anything :3

— 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨! i know this was super long, and i really appreciate you reading til the end <3

[mewos-laptop]

Yoooo intro post ???? ‼‼‼

Hey gamers, uhhh I'm Mewo/Albedo/Fruity and this is my general/mix of so much shit blog !!! My other one is strictly alterhuman based primarily, but I wanted one that my irl friends are permitted to be privy to lmao

Abt me: I'm queer, generally using the label "gay" for myself, an agender trans boy, and polyamorous aromantic/fictoromantic. I use a shit ton of pronouns, but I primarily use it/its, xey/xem, and rlly any noun neopronouns. I also use he/him, however I am brought much joy by my neopronouns being used, so he/him is secondary :P. I'm diagnosed with clinical anxiety (over most of the anxiety disorder spectrum, so including OCD and social), depression, and Hypermobile Spectrum Disorder (HSD), and am self diagnosed autistic, ADHD, BPD and UDD.

Recognized dissasociative traumagenic/multigenic collective of five and counting. Questioning UDD. We do not tolerate fakeclaiming of our identity, nor do we owe you the information of us being traumagenic or recognized as dissasociative in the first place. Know your place, because you are on OUR blog.

SPEAKING OF WHO I AM, KIN LIST JUST DROPPED Y'ALL (Subject to change/being outdated bc I don't have enough time in my day to add and remove every single questioning kin everytime smth happens in my brain XD)

We also have a list of fellas which may front, and information about them.

I'm an alterhuman, a xenogender user, and generally the cringiest person you'll meet !!! My interests that I'm gonna post abt mostly are alt fashion/fashion in general, OMORI/rlly just my friend's OMORI posts, my friend's writing projects, my own writing projects, Regretivator, various mental health stuff, and rlly just anything in general that I like (speaking of which check out Carolina Magat on YT/The Nursery Series my friend [@valleyfthdolls] makes it and it's cool and I play Cody hehe)

I'm a scene kid in style/music taste and a punk in ideals, sparkledog nightmare cringe boyfailure, baby Kandi kid, and the scary faggot transspecies the conservatives warned you about.

Oh yeah, I'm also a minor (16-18 age range) sooo NSFW/NSFT dni plsss Xp

Other DNI shit. I don't cover everything, but I do just block ppl who make me uncomfortable :3

-Including an entire new paragraph for this bc holy shit. THOSE WHO ARE NOT PLURAL WHO ENGAGE IN SYSCOURSE DO NOT INTERACT. You do not belong in the conversation regarding them, and do not have the experience of those who are plural. Absolutely do not interact with me. I would also prefer for anti endos and anti-leaning neutrals to not interact. If I see you are anti endo and following me I WILL clown on you. It's quite frankly none of your business if sum1 is disordered or not, and I'm fucking tired of dealing with this bullshit. Live your life how you want, endos are not opressing you, and I do not give a shit if they describe their lived experience as plural. The brain is confusing and we do not fully understand the origins of systemhood fully. There are many debates still ongoing in the medical community, and until they come to a concensus that 100% is agreed on and 100% proves that endos are secretly lying to you, until that point comes, if it ever does, then we accept endos on our page, no questions asked.

-Identity police (specifically ppl who hate "conflicting" queer identities, bc literally sum1's identity has nothing to do w/ you XD), proshippers (I am fully aware it's fiction, no, I do not hate those who engage with hard topics in fiction, but that does not mean I want the romanticized view of those things for the titillation of the viewer on my dash, ESPECIALLY due to it triggering my intrusive thoughts), racists, homophobes, transphobes, Zionists, pro-cringeculture, anti-recovery blogs, anti-alterhuman, intersexists, radfems, blah blah blah y'all get it.

BYI: I will post the occasional vent, I have a godawful memory, and I am severely mentally ill. I will often react before thinking when I am in states of distress, and my BPD can make me inappropriately angry, or inappropriately emotional. I have a hard time remembering trigger tags at times due to my bad memory, so please give me gentle reminders if I mistag something, or if I forget to tag something for you. Just in general, if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, give me a gentle reminder, because chances are I just literally didn't realize/or I forgot.

Alr bye bye :3

[heavenangelly]

Hi!

I would like to ask for some advice. I’m on an SP journey, but it has been a rocky journey. he broke up with me in late jan as if he didn’t can’t wait to get away from me. in early feb, he was enraged that I didn’t want no contact cause I bothered him during his japan trip and he said there was no hope in getting back together anymore and he wouldn’t pick up my calls anymore. he hurriedly said all the best in life and that was our last convo. And we aren’t following each other on social medias anymore, but my flatmates are. afterwards, I was in a really bad head space where i couldn’t eat for a few days, but had to get myself together because i’m still in uni. I was then spamming myself on the law since mid Feb. I was gradually getting better, everyday trying to keep myself together and was doing good deleting social media. In May, my birthday month passed and he didn’t message me or anything even though i was affirming hard and persisting through my tears. I thought I was doing good in May but on early june, I found out thru my flatmate that he went to a yearly event with a 3p and took pictures like we did last year. Like a picture of their shadows together. This has haunted me and I got triggered badly and I had barely managed to get myself to affirming again thru the heart pain that he still belongs to me and that he will still always come back to me since. I cannot afford to falter and waver because i’m in my exam period.

However in May, i never thought he was with a 3p even though earlier on, i noticed he followed someone new on spotify (back when i was still constantly checking his socials like spotify tiktok profile pic and stuff but we weren’t following each other).

I don’t know how to believe with conviction that affirming myself that He is already mine and he only thinks of me regardless of who he’s with, bc I smh keep on intrusively think of the picture of them together as well as their shadow picture together. It’s haunting me and I don’t know how to have faith in the law fully and that he will actually come knocking on my door telling me he still loves me.

we only last talked in late jan, but he seemed to have gone raves and other events with 3p already. And she looks completely different from me and I had a thought that he wanted to look for someone different so he cldnt think of me.

I don’t know how to remind myself of my power that i can create my own reality when something like this happened in 3d while i thought he was busy thinking about me…

I hope you could give me some advice because I don’t want to keep getting triggered whenever i hear the name of the event. I feel my heart breaking while I hear about the event even when i’m affirming to myself that He’s mine and he’s only going to miss me more. But it feels like i’m stuck and powerless… I want this to be a success story and i hope you could help me. I really appreciate it.

Start with imagining. Imagine that sp isn’t actually happy with the 3p and is wishing that he would be with you again. Imagine how he craves you and is in complete regret of letting you go. Now imagine that everyday he wishes you were his again. Then decide he messaged you/met up w u and wants to be YOURS again. Imagine that he is dedicated and loyal. Feel the reality of the scenes and accept them in imagination. Now you have a success story and it is true. Go on in the 3d without stalking his social media and if that image pops up in your head, imagine it was urs and his. Operate in the 3d while knowing that you are in a relationship with him and do not accept no for an answer. You are actually in a relationship with him (since it’s in imagination and imagination creates). Do not let the 3d put you in lack when it is your mirror. Go past it and decide what you want and remain faithful to it because it makes you feel good and you actually want to. Just lose yourself in the feeling, feel its truth and persist in the assumption he’s yours again. Do not identify with the past you where he has a 3p and isn’t with you. That is now a memory/the past.

[hells-greatestdad]

You know what...

I'm proud of myself.

The last few years have been a very long string of borderline personality disorder esque episodes that saw me holding onto some very unhealthy behaviors and also landed me in the mental hospital at one point

None of those intrusive thoughts I had back then when triggered are present and I'm not doing anything destructive or unhealthy

My emotions are intense but instead of making it other people's problem I'm doing the responsible thing and using the healthy stuff I've learned to deal with it

Like my emotions are intense right now and I hate it so much but I have put into practice the stuff I've learned

So I'm proud of myself

[soopiroth]

super tips with soup #4 - dealing with unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts during regression! (affirmations and tips!)

Hi guys! This one's got a bit of a heavier theme, so this one's under the "read more" button. This one was originally going to be about "impure" regression, but I learned that just sort of refers to regression with negative emotions in general, at least, so it seems in the community's posting? I don't really consider that "impure," just emotional, and I just ride it out. This is about what I thought impure regression was: unwanted and intrusive thoughts during regression, especially some of the ones that might make you feel a bit gross.

Please pay the trigger warnings careful attention!

TW for: various forms of thoughts one may not want during regression, such as violent, sexual, or otherwise intrusive thoughts, with a specific highlight on unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, because agere spaces rarely discuss how to cope with those while regressed. I still go over other types of unwanted thoughts, however. I'll also warn for brief discussion of kinks, fetishes, sexual activities, and violent activities (hurting others or yourself). These are all in an purely educational context, meant to help readers understand they're not doing anything bad by having intrusive thoughts and feelings or lives outside of regression.

It's important to learn how to deal with these things, but make sure you're ready to read this sort of thing! It can be a bit difficult at times. I struggle with these sorts of thoughts myself.

My target audience here is for those of us who deal with intrusive and unwanted thoughts and feelings during regression. If you don't experience these things, this Super Tips may not be for you. You may even find some of its contents confusing. That's okay. If you have questions in good faith, I'm happy to answer them. That goes out to everyone.

You're Not Being Bad!

Having thoughts just means you're having thoughts. Sometimes, the brain thinks of things just to think of them, and to tell you "that's messed up." Other times, it's your brain thinking now's a good time to be thinking about that stuff, because perhaps your regression has made you feel safe enough to think about it. It all depends on the exact situation and thoughts you're having. You are not bad for thinking a thought you don't like.

Thoughts Don't Make Things Come True!

I know it's very hard to believe sometimes, especially for those of us with compulsions, but thoughts don't make things happen. You won't hurt someone just by thinking about hurting them, and you won't assault someone just by thinking about that happening either.

For this, I'd like to cite a Mister Rogers song. It's about wishing things would happen, but it applies to thoughts too! Your scary thoughts won't make things come true. I've included two uploads in case one of them doesn't work.

Thoughts and wishes alike are things our thinking has made, so think them and wish them and don't feel afraid.

(If you can't access either video, the song is Wishes Don't Make Things Come True by Mister Rogers!)

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Sexual Thoughts and Feelings

Sexual feelings while regressed can make you feel particularly gross. I know these sorts of thoughts can happen to hypersexual folks and those with sexual trauma especially. It can feel even worse when you're sexually repulsed in general! You might even worry you're sexualizing your own regression by feeling these feelings.

You're not. You having a thought or a feeling does NOT make your regression inherently sexual in nature. It does not make it a kink, or a fetish, or anything, not just because you had an unrelated or even related sexual thought while utilizing your coping mechanism or just having fun. Feelings can strike from anywhere. It does not necessarily mean anything about your regression. Sometimes it's just a random arousal response because the body gets things confused sometimes. Someone very dear to me once told me about arousal responses and how they sometime just occurs due to happiness, pain, or even anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes they even happen when plain old bored.

It's okay to break from the regressed headspace to deal with these feelings, and it's also okay to just let them pass by while regressed. Sometimes you may even want to deal with them directly by mentally confronting it or discussing them with someone CLOSE AND TRUSTWORTHY WHO IS ALRIGHT WITH DISCUSSING SUCH TOPICS (do NOT go talking to random strangers about this! That is NOT safe! People might try and take advantage of your vulnerability to manipulate you). Always ask before discussing these sorts of things with anyone when you're not sure if it'd be okay.

I fear this may be controversial or get me attacked, but I need to reassure those of us who've particularly struggled with sexual thoughts, feelings, and impulses, that if you've ever felt the need to or had to relieve yourself of the sexual feelings by physical means during regression, you're not bad. Your regression isn't inherently sexual or a kink or a fetish. Just make sure you do anything sexual in private. Those are private actions, and exposing others to that could hurt them, or even hurt you if others take advantage of your headspace. Make sure you're doing these things safely, healthily, and cleanly as well.

I deal with this too. You're not alone out there. Sorry that one was long, but I think it's really important to address this.

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Sexuality Outside of Regression

Some regressors with sexual lives, activities, and interests far removed from their regression may still worry that this makes them a bad regressor. These fears may even seep into the regression itself.

You're not a bad regressor for having a life outside of your regression. You're allowed to have kinks and fetishes outside of your regressed life. You're allowed to do sexual things outside of your regressed life and still regress. It doesn't make it bad that you regress at some times and do adult things at other times.

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Violent Thoughts and Feelings

For those of us who have violent thoughts toward others or ourselves, it can be very scary. But rest assured, you're not bad for these either.

Remember how earlier we covered how a thought is just something our thinking made up? We don't have to act on hurting ourselves or other people, either. Thinking about someone else hurting us won't happen either just because we think about it, even if the thought is scary, and it's very important to keep this in mind.

To everyone who has caused harm to others or themselves, it's a bit more difficult. I'm not very well-versed in this subject, not so much as I am with other sorts of more harmful actions one might discuss in a post like this, but you're not inherently bad for these things either. I recommend professional help for very harmful thoughts like these, especially if you've acted on them. This isn't because it needs to be "cured" or you're "sick" for having these thoughts, but to help you not feel the urge to hurt yourself or others as much, or to help you manage the feelings better. If that's not possible, try finding a new outlet for these feelings. Sometimes, it feels very good to rip up paper or paint aggressively to get out those big physical feelings, if it's a physical compulsion. If it's more of a mental compulsion, I've always found that stimulating distractions are very effective for me.

Don't be afraid to talk to someone you trust about this, either, after asking for permission. Most people just want their friends to feel okay, and I'll bet your friends do, too.

Did you finish reading?

It's okay if you didn't read all of this one. It's a lot. I really hope something in here helped you. As per usual, feel free to comment, send in asks, and the like, especially if I missed a trigger warning. This is the last of the super tips I actually had a basis for, so, I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'll figure something out.

With all that being said...

Thank you for reading!

This is my heaviest Super Tips yet, so I really hope that didn't turn you guys away. I want to help others out there who experience these things, so I hope I did that.

[aquaquadrant]

hey so about your tango torchy fic, while i see what you were going with having torchy represent intrusive thoughts n such. it does kind of come off as torchy being an evil alter voice in his head which is a harmful plural stereotype. intrusive thoughts don't usually have vessels or personas represented by them and all

sorry, i think there’s a misunderstanding? i only put the intrusive thoughts warning just in case ppl could be triggered by reading things like ‘burn it’ or ‘kill him’ ect ect or the fact that tango thought he was hearing things. but in the actual fic, tango isn’t actually imagining anything. he really is hearing fire talking to him, bc he’s part blaze. that’s the concept i was exploring. so like, it’s not actually intrusive thoughts or supposed to be a portrayal of an alter? i just put that warning so anyone who is sensitive abt that stuff would be aware.

if there’s a different way i should phrase it in the warning to be more accurate then that’s fine, i just figured this was the clearest way to warn ppl? cuz like, i didn’t wanna put “content warning: someone thinking he’s hearing voices in his head telling him to burn things and kill ppl but he actually isn’t, it’s real.” ya know?

[bots-and-cons]

I feel bad that I've been venting so frequently lately, but I don't really have anyone to talk to irl right now. Feel free not to read, but if you do, thanks

I'm feeling so damn overwhelmed. I have so many things I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't seem to get started on any of them. I really should start my swedish course, because it's the last summer course I have. I finished the other two courses last week, but I don't really feel any sense of accomplishment and it fucking sucks. There's apparently not really much to do with the swedish course, because one of my classmates got it done in under an hour, which is fucking weird, because it's a 5 credit course and one credit is supposed to be 27 hours of work. I hope it's actually that easy.

I've been having a lot of really weird and violent nightmares, which is also not fun. Also my intrusive thoughts seem to be sort of coming true in my dreams? In addition to the nightmares, my intrusive thoughts have gotten pretty bad and very violent. That has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and I just keep trying to ignore it. The intrusive thoughts just give me a lot of anxiety, and they scare me pretty bad, especially when I'm around other people. Lately it's also been pretty bad with the whole "kill yourself" thought when something goes wrong. Like I drop a spoon and my brain is immediately like, "omg you're such a failure, kill yourself". I don't understand why, because I'm not suicidal atm, not even close, I'm just stressed and overwhelmed. (I put the tw in the tags anyway though)

I hurt my foot like a month ago, probably a stress fracture or something of that sort, but it's now starting to feel better. I refused to go to the doctor about it, because a) I would have had to walk there and b) they would've most likely blamed it on my weight and hadn't actually done anything to help. I'm not saying my weight has nothing to do with it, of course it does. I'm fat, that's just a fact, but often doctors blame everything on my weight and don't look any deeper. It's fucking infuriating, because I know there's something wrong, but the only advice I get is "you should lose weight". I'm sure that would help some of the stuff that I've got, but some people treat it as some miracle cure.

I'm probably not going to do practical training at all this autumn, because I honestly don't feel like I can. I'm wondering if this whole school thing is really even worth it tbh. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to hold down a full-time job. I would love to be able to work some day, at least part-time, but Idk how realistic that even is.

I've been able to manage school for a year and a half now, and I'm starting to feel pretty burned out. I don't know if I'll make it to next spring without having to take sick leave. I'm honestly fucking scared. I don't want to go into a depressive episode or trigger a more severe psychotic episode again. I've been having some hallucinations lately, and I'm pretty paranoid about a lot of stuff. It's not fun. One thing I've been wondering is what my psychosis actually is? My best guess would be psychotic depression, but I should probably talk about my psych nurse and psychiatrist about it.

I have a hairdresser appointment tomorrow, and I'm kinda nervous, because it's a new place, and I'm gonna have my hair dyed so it's gonna take a while. I'm not very good at spending time at places I don't know or where I haven't been before. The last time I got my hair cut was about a year ago so it's time to do it again. I want my hair shorter again and I decided I wanted to dye it purple. Probably a pretty dark purple because I don't know if I want to have my hair bleached first. Anyway, I feel a bit better having written this out, and I hope I can get an actual fic post out later this week too.

[creature-wizard]

https://www.tumblr.com/creature-wizard/749781222791790592/it-only-took-me-a-few-minutes-of-searching-to-find?source=share

and it’s so crazy because you really never think that it could be YOU that falls for this type of stuff.

Like when I was younger (like 10), this stuff would’ve seemed stupid, but when I was 12 years old I started reading law of attraction stuff and later delved into law of assumption stuff when I was 15 because I was suffering HORRIBLE abuse and I just needed SOMETHING to give me a semblance of hope. It was really difficult to recover from that assumption cult (even led to an ocd diagnosis because I was having major intrusive thoughts about the existential crisis I was experiencing as well as other things) and now that I’m in a good place mentally, it blows my MIND to read the shit that I used to believe in. “Remove all logic, reprogram the mind, revise your past, etc” it’s all so nonsensical, but I genuinely believed it. This shit makes you think that YOU are GOD and that you can CONTROL PEOPLE. ITS A MINDFUCK.

I only realised after 2 years of manifesting for my abusers to stop, that I actually was still in the same place that I was when I was 15 and that nothing had changed. When I first attempted to remove myself from the LOA way of thinking and the manifestation beliefs, I couldn’t even read anything motivational such as “you’re only limited by yourself” or “you can do whatever you set your mind to” and all the motivational shit that normal people (those don’t believe in the manifestation shit) say in passing because it was triggering for me.

I couldn’t even have conversations about religion, philosophy, the concept of a god, gods, or nothing, I was terrified of even affirming to myself that I could do certain things or that I am capable of doing things because just the idea of saying “I am…” made me think of manifestation and LOA. Just thinking about believing in myself was triggering. Just thinking about the purpose of the subconscious mind was scary because I was so damaged mentally by that new age shit.

Sure, what I’m saying sounds fucking crazy, but the point is that it’s really easy for even the most logical person you know to fall into shit like this. Thats how so many people become trump supporters or qanon people.

I’ve gotten to a point in which reading stuff about LOA and engaging in the shit that I mentioned earlier doesn’t bother me much anymore, but it took lots of work and effort to build up my mental health again.

I swear, when you’re down in the dumps, shit that usually is too good to be true, seems like the truest thing in the world in those moments.

Yep, exactly! When you're really desperate, you'll grab at anything that looks like it'll give you an out and cling to it with all you've got. I'm glad you got out, anon. 💜

For anyone reading this: If you are leaving or questioning the Law of Assumption and need help, please see this post.