#and it’s not just other people. it’s me. most of it is my fault

[bumblebeerror]

People hurt other people by accident all the time. That’s something I very much had to learn when I realized my OCD obsession with not hurting anyone had reached a completely unsustainable level - to the point that I was hurting people with it.

Some people do know that they’re causing harm to someone and revel in it, I won’t deny that happens. Regardless of their reasons for that, it’s wrong. But I also think it’s fairly rare, and it’s why abusers are so hard to get away from.

My mom’s been dating an alcoholic for years who’s been told over and over that when he gets drunk he gets mean, that he says hurtful things. He’s yelled in my face. He’s treated me like a child. He tried to fight my little brother. He’s yelled at her, he’s begged thousands of dollars out of him, he’s guilt-tripped her and openly said he doesn’t want to change.

But he’s also loving. He’s good with his grandkids. He takes care of his daughters even when one of their husbands threatened to shoot him dead. He’s not a bad person, when he’s sober.

Hes an alcoholic because he has chronic pancreatitis. Because booze kills the pain better than his norcos. His illness is only barely under control because he doesn’t take meds because he won’t change anything. He thinks he doesn’t need them because he’s bipolar.

When he was on all his meds and taking his bipolar meds and he was sober, he was a decent man.

Are some of his problems his own fault? Sure. But I don’t think any of it makes him an irredeemable monster. It makes him a victim to the consequences of his own actions. It makes him someone I’ve been trying to get my mom away from, too. Consequences of his actions, people don’t want to be around him while he’s drunk.

He still abused my mom. It’s hard to see it that way, because I know most of it isn’t done with real intent. It took years for me to convince her to stop giving him money. It took years to convince her to stop answering his calls when he’s drunk.

He’s an abuser. But he’s not evil. He just doesn’t see the patterns and doesn’t want to.

otherwise interesting post ruined by the bold insistence that you can never accidentally abuse someone & that all abusive people are self-aware evil masterminds

[lxndrlvr]

‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋

She's all I've ever known, and all I'll ever know.

Note : yearning, hurt, reminiscing, a burning feeling that most people feel when they miss someone that they can't have back, mourning. If I'm feeling generous, I'll write another part— to tend to your aching heart.

Pairings : Alexandra Cabot x Reader

‧₊˚✩彡꩜

A sense of helplessness, that's how you felt the day you lost her.

...

“This can't be! You have got to be kidding me Olivia!” You cried frantically, clutching onto Olivia's black leather jacket while Elliot held back, his hands twitching, wanting to step in and calm you down but he kept holding back. Someone needs to toughen up in this situation, no matter how devastating it was to watch you helplessly crying in Olivia's arms. You were never the one to cry this heavily, your sobs and heavy breathing can be heard all across the apartment that you and alex both shared. Not anymore.

“She's gone, there's nothing we can do—”

“You should've tried harder!” You screamed, kicking, punching her shoulders. Your hands shaking as you pushed her away.

“It's all your fault! You and you!” Pointing your fingers to them, hot tears streaming down your face as you tried to hold back another sob but you just can't help it. Not when she's gone, your Alexandra. My oh so ever gentle, Alexandra.

“You should've fought harder, you should have—” another sob broke through your throat as they both looked at you with pity in their eyes, Elliot had to turn his gaze away so you can't see the tears threatening to escape his eyes.

But you knew that it couldn't be helped, there was no stopping when it comes to Alex. No one could have ever stopped her, not even you. The chances of her surviving, was thin. Oh Alexandra, poor, dear Alexandra.

...

“That's cheating!” Alex scoffed, dropping her uno cards on the table while the whole squad erupted in cheers. Fin won against Alex in an intense uno card match, and as usual, Fin and Munch were the happiest people in the room while Cragen just sat there, watching in full amusement. A sight like this was rare to watch, his detectives, their assistant district attorney and her girlfriend playing uno in the same room.

...

“Alex, baby?” You mumbled out of nowhere, you and alex are curled up in your bed after eating each other out just moments ago.

“Hmm?”

“Would you still love me if I was a worm—”

“You're not seriously asking me that, I was inches deep in you just moments ago.”

“So you wouldn't?”

“What?”

“You wouldn't love me if I was—”

“Yes I would, now sleep.” Alex reluctantly said, shaking her head in amusement as she watched her girlfriend grinning, clearly satisfied with her answer.

...

“Counselor.” You greeted formally.

“Doctor.” Alex replied with the same tone of professionalism.

“What brings you here?” The counselor asked, her upper lip twitching into a subtle smirk as she glanced behind the Doctor's back, the boquet of pink carnations with tulips peaking out.

“A special delivery, of course.” You finally held the flowers out. Alex was the first to break the barrier, holding you by your waist and pulling you into a deep kiss. Your lips moving passionately against each other, while you almost lost your balance trying to keep up with her. Your knees felt weak, collapsing in her arms as you pulled away from the kiss, then hiding in the crook of her neck as you both laughed. Just another normal day for the love birds.

...

“One medium iced caramel latte in a to go cup and one hot black coffee with only a cube of sugar please, thank you.” the barista nodded, processing your order.

Alex stood behind you, waiting patiently for her iced caramel latte with her hands clasped behind her back. You both took the day off work, deciding to spend the whole day shopping in the nearby market. Half of the time, was spent mostly with you taking the initiative to talk about the surgeries you performed and explaining in detail about each sections needed, all while Alex bit back a smile. Sure, she's quite educated about the topic but she loved hearing it from your side. She loved watching your eyes excitedly lighting up whenever you talk about your passion. She's well educated, enough to know the procedures and instructions but she'll gladly listen when it's you. God, how she loved listening to you talk.

...

“No, Alexandra. You're on bed rest, stop disobeying my orders.” You told her sternly, watching as the stubborn ADA scoffed and huffed like a child. Ice Queen my ass, she acts like a 5 year-old child when she's sick.

“Can I atleast drink some cold water—”

“Absolutely not, if my mother was here, she would've spanked you for even daring to ask such questions when you're sick.” Alex winced, remembering that one time she saw you getting scolded by your mother for not drinking your meds on time back in college.

...

“What happened exactly?” Your eyes burned holes on the evident mess inside your kitchen, burnt towels and pans scattered on the counter and a guilty Alexandra Cabot standing in the middle. You had to stiffle your laugh at the sight of the (usually well composed, stern and strict) Alex, holding a plate full of burnt pancakes. You should be mad, you had every rights to be mad. The towel she burnt was new, and the burnt pan was one of your favorites but how can you be mad?

When she made all this effort, despite her busy schedule and not knowing how to cook. Yet somehow, she managed to cook a stack of pancakes for breakfast to make up for your previous lover's quarrel. If you looked closely, there were more burnt pancakes behind her back but that doesn't matter.

“I'm sorry” she finally said after a long moment of silence, and that alone, made you smile. Alex was a stubborn one for sure, but she was not the type of person to avoid accountability. She had no idea if Alex was apologizing for almost burning her kitchen down or the fact that she yelled at you last night out of sheer frustration. The guilt was gnawing her insides.

Grabbing the plate, you set it down the table and approached your lover. Then you held her hand up, inspecting if she had hurt herself— which she did.

“I didn't mean to yell at you last night.” she then started rambling while you grabbed the first aid kit, tending to the cuts on her fingertips (possibly from cutting the berries). And spent the entire morning making it up to each other.

...

There she was, years later. Your Alexandra, alive and fairly well. It took you a while to process that she was, in fact; not dead. You had to squint and wear your glasses on just to double check, it was really her.

“You look just as beautiful, as the day I lost you.” your world stopped, tears streaming down your face.

The sight of her kissing another man was too much to bear, a man.

As you stood there watching her smiling with another man by her side, you can feel the memories of your love slipping through your fingers like grains of sand. Despite the passage of time, your heart secretly still yearns for the days when you were the one who held her hand, the one who made her smile. The pain of watching her with someone else is a constant reminder of the past you can never return to, leaving you in a state of perpetual longing for what could have been.

With a final glance, you turned and walked away.

[dreadfuldevotee]

okay so I've gotta say I just finished iwtv and like it's really refreshing to find someone who's willing to talk about armand (and, by extension loumand) in an interesting way. Because I quite liked them in S2 so imagine my surprise when I go online and all I see is people acting like armand personally kidnapped claudia and also was mind controlling louis 24/7 (tiktok is horrible with that) when that's just the most boring and frankly nonsensical reading of the material ever. (I think it's silly in general to constantly compare loumand and loustat on the basis of who's worse because. come on.)

However, it got me thinking about how some of that might be the show's own fault? Sure, a big amount of the people not willing to engage are loustat shippers who can't comprehend one person loving multiple people, but I've seen that many people revert back to calling armand this big bad who would have let louis die as if it recontextualizes the WHOLE relationship when imo... it doesn't? Like I feel like I'm going insane bc the show presented it as this huge twist and I didn't quite get on with it? (I'm conflicted on the loustat reunion too but whatever). I feel that there's a disconnect there of what was established the whole season and what was said in the finale. And people are just running with it.

Man idek if what I'm saying makes sense but I wanted to hear your takes on it bc I quite enjoy them and value your input!

No, I totally get what you're saying! I think the details of the loumand breakup collapse on itself upon prodding a bit. I can understand why they wouldn't want them to split the way they do in the book (years of travelling together, finally ending up in New Orleans- Armand setting Louis up to meet Lestat who is wallowing, jumping at sirens 'n just generally sad and pathetic; and being fed up that Louis is seemingly unmoved to any real emotion after the encounter. Them exchanging some harsh observations about each other and then Armand walking off into the night) I think the season ending is more interested in serving the direction they're (presumably) heading for Louis, and wrapping up his life story.

I've been thinking of it to myself as a "Straw that broke the camel's back" kind of break. It's the resurfacing of all the myriad of ways Armand fucked up and fucked Louis over- Oh, and by the way not only did he have a more active role in the play than you originally thought, it never even crossed his mind once to lift a finger to save you. Though, even this falters a bit under remember that Armand breaks Louis out his crypt. People smarter than me have put their finger on exactly why it stumbles on the landing, I'm sure.

What makes it work enough for me is that Louis doesn't go back to Lestat. Yes, they see each other and hug tearfully but Louis does not walk out of Dubai with the intent to ask Lestat to take him back. No, he goes home. He ruminates in the sound of the driver's accent and immediately steps out in a saint's hat. The fact that he finds his way to Lestat is a turn of fate and even then its not really a reunion of lovers but of parents, as the only two people who will mourn Claudia. I say this all the time, but I think knowing that IWTV as a contained story is about grieving a child is the puzzle piece I think a lot of people miss. Before its about Lestat and messy romances and aliens, the whole story sprouts from this moment of deep grief. So I love that Louis has this moment of personal introspection and allows himself to feel his own grief and share it with Lestat but also make a promise to try living for himself and still goes back to the penthouse alone.

I think my continued feelings are a little contingent on how the show plays it going forward. The way I see it, if we start taking score for whos worse, Armand or Lestat- They are tied for gold. Lestat is still complicit in the trial, as is Armand ofc, but neither of them wrote it or schemed it, or genuinely personally desired to kill Louis/Claudia/Madeleine. If the show decides it wants to act like Armand is irredeemable in Louis eyes I will be....less than happy, to say the least. But if the show is as interested in engaging with all the character and all their complexities I think it could all come together quite nicely by the end.

[ifyourereadingthisblinktwice]

i’m sick and tired of not knowing how to talk with people. maybe it’s the after midnight brain talking but i feel like i have 2 actual real friends and a bunch of others who i won’t ever see again after college and ill just be alone again

[gangstalkerbarbie]

REAL AS HELL OP it's so much more fun and edifying when you make an effort to understand the people who were writing. they probably weren't writing to you and they may have actively wanted to kill you or enslave you, but that's a bias inherent in a Lot of writing by people who aren't whatever you are, that i for example was still required to read to be able to participate in even my birth society. you know? to me this actually does have a lot to do with the real world, personally (again: to me, i'm not hauling anyone into anything. everyone not interested in Barbie Gets Political: The Movie can ignore the cut)

like, ok, xenophobia is and was real in real life too, and if it's set dressing in a period novel, well, i'm there for the plot, aren't i? these are concerns these characters realistically would have had, aren't they?

the racists and the antisemites and so on aren't going to jump off the page and hurt me. in fact a lot of the time old dead racist people or whoever are hamfistedly trying to be anti whatever it is for their time, given that many of them don't experience the effects of whatever on their society at all, being dominant in it and not having any acquaintances who aren't. sometimes some of them actually do know people marginalized in their society intimately, and their writing is genuine allyship. that's in the archives of history too.

and no one like, shielded me from any of that, because if literature reflects the world then encountering written hatred is safe practice for children at engaging with real hate. you balance it out with your own cultural products where your experience is central and your domestic life is celebrated, but in order to survive in a hostile society your offspring have to understand the soul of that society, and if you want to change something about it, why then you need to know what you're working with so that you can effectively do that.

being able to see people that conceivably could have hated you as humans who are good or at least neutral at heart is hard. especially if their descendants keep killing people like you and saying inflammatory shit online. but intellectually understanding them is still important, because most of the time the fencesitting people in your daily life who find refuge in times when you were less visible are afraid of you, and most of the time the fear is manufactured by some force other than either of you with oodles of money. and much of the time comforting them in the voice of these ancestors of theirs works!

and idk it's no one's like, heaven given task to educate racists but the one person that frames it as a sickness and bothers is going to change those people's lives, and their own life in a small way too. you know? i've done it, it's work i didn't have to do and shouldn't be held responsible for always doing but i have in fact done it.

that's why i spent so much time grinding english - i would have been fine with the school level if i just wanted to make money, but i wanted to understand the anglophone soul, as a matter of keeping myself safe and helping other people.

i half have a conspiracy theory that the american push to sanitise children's experience of the world is a push to keep children from accurately comprehending the situation they're maturing into. left unspoken is that there are going to be responsible parents of every kind educating their children at home, but they'll do that from books that reflect their own politics and their real experiences and fears about the world, which is how you get privileged children who grow up into a kumbaya sparkles and rainbows construction of the world where racism or antisemitism or whatever is Solved, and then every other kind of child raised by parents with every other idea about how the world works, who might meet them only in higher education. who has a pretty fundamental gulf of experience with them, which is none of their faults, but which does mean that in their perception this marginalized person who is just trying to protect themself appears to be picking on them for no reason.

if someone picks on you for no reason and you've been raised to fight injustice with the structural power that you have to do that, riddle me piss, what's the white kid going to do?

bingo, the same thing that i do when lumped in with anglosaxons by people trying to minimize whatever racist thing i'm telling them happened to me, or deny that it was because the people doing it don't think eastern european women are fully people (they don't), or whatever.

except they have relevant and responsible ancestors and mine were, like, illiterate peasant wizards with a classist and antisemitic reputation for stealing everything not nailed down, krymchak rabbis who tbh didn't really do anything honestly they just got axe murdered for nonexistent gold, horse cart nomads with a racist reputation for stealing everything not nailed down, and factory serfs with a classist reputation for stealing everything not nailed down.

and to this hypothetical white person it's just defending themself, but everyone else might experience that same exchange as a manifestation of structural racism - the establishment gaslighting them about their own suffering and, essentially, engaging with them as an abuser with a victim.

why does only that guy get to sit on this high horse? why does he get to believe the world is ponies and care bears while everyone with any tie to literally any "third" or "second" world country, to any ancestral homeland, even one like the construction of mama afrika, can see it for what it is?

if there was a unified, at least trying to be antiracist national literature in any anglospheric country it would help - it did help, it's largely the soviet cultural machine and its unfortunate impacts on everyone that made, for example, russians and tatars in the ussr, who had beef, largely functionally indistinguishable from each other today. these are people with a long intergenerational legacy of mutual strife and oppression, and they're, like, fine now. they joke about it.

but there isn't an attempt at a unified, antiracist national literature in any anglosphere country, that i know of. there's only books by people who aren't you, some of whom have always or frequently seen you as less than human (if you're anything other than WASPy), and some of whom (if you're WASPy) are justifiably really, really, really fucking mad at your parents.

it is a very important skill to have to abstract yourself from people personally starting shit with you and start seeing writing about your demographic as just a neutral reflection of the world, or the biases inherent in the world. that's the only way it's ever going to get any more neutral, is if the people who could actually most benefit the world by reading minority authors actually did that.

the rest of the world has to read your literature, why not read the world's? see what the world has to say? it might not be flattering but it's real, which is something that i knew from childhood, and something that people better off than me are at present actively trying to devalue learning from university.

to be someone who's actually interested in reading english literature and genre fiction or tbh any kind of cultural production. you kind of accept that racism and misogyny and so on usually brackets all the cool worldbuilding and beautiful prose and the clever ideas? it doesn't really dull my enjoyment exactly, i honestly have fun mapping out the exact contours of the type of racism. i enjoy fanwork that thumbs at that. but the denial of its existence actually really really does annoys me. i emotionally have a worse long term response to the denial of racism than actual racism. (this has absolutely nothing to do with the real world.)

[starry-bi-sky]

I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt

“Woah. You look like shit."

Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.

The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.

"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."

And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.

The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.

If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.

"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.

"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.

"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.

The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.

He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."

There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.

"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."

Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"

"Daniel? Is that you?"

His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.

[turtleblogatlast]

No but like every time I think about Splinter and what he had to go through just to keep the boys alive, my heart hurts for him so badly. Is he perfect? No not at all, but none of them are and by god does he love his sons.

The fact that all of them are alive, and grew to thrive despite the circumstances surrounding them is a testament of how much Splinter loves his boys. He raised four babies following the most traumatic time of his life, all alone with nothing but the sewers to house them (to hide them.) I feel like he’s not given the credit he deserves for all he’s done.

And I get that it’s easy to hold up his flaws and faults when it comes to parenting, I myself like looking into them because flawed characters are super interesting and said flaws make them more realistic and engaging, but he tries, and again, so many others would have given up on the boys or failed along the way but Splinter didn’t.

He’s their father, for all his faults he did his damndest to make sure they survived.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Truth and revenge is best served cold.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[moeblob]

As an attempt at a polite "going forward" comment...

I do not plan to draw for Three Houses or Hopes for a long while. I know a lot of my followers are from the past four years and I appreciate that you followed me at all! But if you are only interested in the art of those characters I wanted to be clear and say you can unfollow me at any point if what i draw no longer aligns with what you want to see.

I might draw for other FEs (like Heroes or 13/14/17) but I do not want to get involved with 3H any more. I do have other interests and across tumblr, twitter (now inactive), and sometimes on discord I've heard enough "I thought it was (FE3H character)".

This is not one person doing it and it is not simply one character being mistaken. I simply want to distance myself from 3H and have unfollowed a few people that reblog art of it because it just leaves a lingering bad taste in my mouth.

Thank you very much for your time and I hope you can find artists who can provide art for topics you like.

[al-luviec]

still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)

[zaddyazula]

obviously i love strangelove’s character but she wasn’t written well… as a woman or as a lesbian…

[gothic-mothic-topic]

Mfw one of my favorite characters in a game either isn't popular and barely exists in the fandom, or everyone hates them.

[housederiva]

Your art is FANTASTIC and the random observations/polls/interjections you make have really helped to fuel the DA fandom in positive ways! Which it definitely needed after Veilguard's release, lmao. It's always a pleasure to see you on my dashboard!

That's very kind of you to say oh my gosh thank you so much. I'm just bumbling around and every once in a while I say something people think is worth sharing, and I like sharing what other folks feel/make too! I'm glad I'm a not too much of an annoyance xx

I think my favorite thing about having this blog is the notes I see on other peoples posts I rb, it’s nice seeing all sweet things get things sent an artist way or conversations/theories carried on in a rb chain

It’s a big ol show n tell and it’s a wonderful reprieve from my normal day to be able to see other folks stuff too ✨

[littleplantfreak]

oh to be the person Umemiya Hajime meets and falls for as he’s traveling after graduation

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.

[bumblingbabooshka]

One of the best Voyager scenes to indicate Tuvok & Neelix's dynamic and how I think Tuvok is just as if not more 'annoying'(positive) than Neelix is when Neelix pours Tuvok a fresh squeezed glass of a fruit juice blend and Tuvok's like (paraphrased) "I don't want to drink this." and Neelix is like "Can you please try it?" and Tuvok's like "I don't want to, you're really bad at this sort of thing. It's going to taste bad." and Neelix says that Ensign XYZ said she LOVED it, she even had a second glass! And Tuvok says Ensign XYZ could drink poison without a second thought and Neelix is like "Tuvok could you please just TRY it? Just try a little SIP of it PLEASE??" and Tuvok sighs and rolls his eyes and sniffs it before taking a sip and it turns out he loves it. Turns out it tasted good actually. And then after all that Neelix tries to talk to him over eggs (which he's again cooking fresh for him) and Tuvok tells him he doesn't wanna hear "the life history of his breakfast." Absolutely insufferable this man I would have burned his eggs on PURPOSE!!!!