#and it’s just a vicious cycle because I know they are their own worst critic and hate themself and that is so so so hard to watch

[alittlebitofsainz]

- sunshine -

prompt: “you give me hope when the dark clouds fill the sky, you always find a way through, my little ray of sunshine.”

pairing: lando norris x reader

summary: they say first is the worst, second is the best, but what about if you were so close to first place? 100% inspired by the events of this weekend lando stop being so mean to yourself pls and thank u xoxo

warnings: lando being a miserable little so and so. the usual swear words.

a/n: I’m BACK! I moved house and then just became very busy and also rather uninspired. not sure if I’m 100% happy with this but I just wanted to post something!! missed u all heaps and heaps, hope to keep writing more very soon xx lyrics from track #67 sunshine by the brummies. thought this band were from good ol’ birmingham west midlands but turns out they’re from birmingham alabama

masterlist | the spotify wrapped collection

it wasn’t uncommon for lando to be like this.

he’d gotten a lot better over recent years, but every so often the self-criticism would creep in again. you could anticipate it coming; it would start with little comments, a muttered “lando, you fucking idiot” to himself here and there, self deprecating jokes to interviewers about that final corner where he’d gone off and ruined his lap. it could go on like that for a while, until eventually something would set him off properly, like a ticking time bomb that had gradually been building pressure until it was ready to explode.

“fuck sake.”

you watched as lando trailed through the garage, a string of curses muttered through gritted teeth as he passed, seeking solace from the TV cameras. admittedly, you could understand his frustration; even you had thrown your hands up in the air as he’d been squeezed out of first place on the very first corner. it was unlucky, but it was also his own fault for making a mistake: lando knew it, you knew it, and you also knew that he was feeling it. you watched him go past and disappear off down the corridor, no doubt heading for the solace of his drivers room. you paused, weighing up your options for just a moment.

“Lan?”

the echo of your knock on his drivers room door reverberated down the corridor. the mclaren motorhome was a ghost town, reminding you of the fact that everyone else was out celebrating - everyone but lando, rather ironically.

a noise came from inside the room, no doubt lando grumbling something inaudible under his breath as he made his way across the room, before the door eventually opened. you couldn’t help the sigh that escaped you - it had been such a long while since you’d seen him this way. it was subtle; the average person may not have even picked up on it, but you could always tell. It was his eyes, they somehow lacked the hues of green and blue they usually possessed, instead reflecting back a washed out grey colour, like the light had gone out from behind them.

“you got p2, Lan.” you reminded him softly as he stepped away, a silent invitation for you to come in. you knew those words wouldn’t help.

“it should’ve been p1.” came the mumbled reply from where lando had sunk back down on the sofa. you kicked the door closed behind you and made your way over to sit down beside him, your shoulder pressed into his.

“but you were so close, lan, a few more laps and you would’ve got him, I know it.”

“I know I was close!” your response had touched upon something lando didn’t want to hear, a fact you were made very aware of from the bitterness in his tone as he snapped back at you, “but I wasn’t close enough. I fucked up on that first corner. the team deserved better.”

you leaned back on the sofa, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you mulled over your next words. you’d been here before, in this vicious cycle where the more you tried to remind lando how incredible he was, the more he’d refute it, the more frustrated and self critical he’d become. one of those times, he’d told you that you wouldn’t understand, and it had hurt. it had hurt because you knew it was true. you didn’t understand. you didn’t understand how lando could be such a great driver and still best himself up over the smallest of mistakes.

“‘m sorry. didn’t mean to shout at you.”

you glanced up from where your gaze had drifted down to your lap as you’d been considering your response, only to find your eyes locked with lando’s grey ones, full of something you quickly identified as remorse. he’d mistaken your silence, assumed that you’d been wounded by the sharpness in his tone, when in reality you had barely registered it - you knew his fleeting anger wasn’t directed at you. it was directed at himself.

“no, no, don’t worry ‘bout it. I was just thinking, that’s all.” you sat back up quickly, shaking your head as you forced your expression to soften, “I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better, to make you see how well you did today, but-“

“just you being here is enough.”

the reply with which he cut you off was so quiet that you had to tilt your head and give lando a questioning look, one that told him you weren’t quite sure you’d heard him right. he let out a soft sigh, eyes directed to the floor, the faintest hint of red colouring his cheeks as he cleared his throat.

“I said, you being here is enough. with me.” he clarified, voice just a little louder than before.

“Lan, there’s nowhere else I would be right now, you know that.” you dropped your voice, matching his soft tone. an instinctive hand came to rest upon his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I just mean-“ lando shifted slightly to face you, expression swimming with a quiet admiration, “I don’t always make it… easy.”

you let out a chuckle at that, despite the situation, and it earned you a raised eyebrow and the smallest hint of a smile from lando.

“what I’m trying to say is,” lando continued, “I really appreciate you sticking with me. not just now, but, like, through everything. even when I’m like this.” lando gestured vaguely around the room, but he didn’t even need to for you to know exactly what he meant.

“even when you’re grumpy.” you clarified helpfully. that one earned you a playful scowl.

“I wasn’t gonna put it like that.” he complained, but his tone was lighter than before. “and anyway, I was trying to be serious, don’t ruin it.”

you held your hands up in mock surrender and stifled another laugh, before letting out a soft sigh, observing lando quietly for a moment.

“I’m always on your side, Lan, even if you’re not.” the sincerity in your tone was reflected in your expression as you held his gaze for a moment more, before dropping your head onto his shoulder, his hand finding your own as your fingers intertwined.

it was perfect and peaceful, until it wasn’t. until a knock at the door and the voice of lando’s pr manager brought you both back down to earth, reminding lando that it was time to go out and deal with the interviews. he let out a sigh, reverting back to the solemn state you’d found him in, and you wished you could make it all go away, to tell all the reporters to fuck off. but as you flicked your gaze back to lando, catching his eye as he stood up and smoothed the base of his fireproofs, you realised that he was going to be fine: he flashed you a lopsided smile, and for a moment the afternoon sunlight caught his eyes, the flecks of blue and green dancing across them once again. yeah, you were both going to be fine.

you flashed him a final smile as he slipped out of the drivers room, leaving you alone in there with your thoughts until he returned.

a/n: as always, I might add more to this if I feel so inclined! let me know if you want to be tagged xo

[five-and-dimes]

Had a very angsty thought about Dream that I thought you in particular would enjoy, so here it is:

Maybe this would be a human au, but I think it could work in universe as well.

Dream, because of the fact that he's not great with people, tends to be rather prideful, and is well aware of his own strengths, has been accused of being arrogant his whole life. Mainly by his siblings (Desire, I'm looking at you).

At some point, Dream being desperately tired of being told bad things about him, and desperate to have people around him who love him, decides that he must be the problem and so resolves that he will change himself.

How does he go about this? Well naturally he assumes that because he's been accused of arrogance, he can't trust his own judgement of himself. So whatever he thinks about himself, he believes that the reality of who he is must be worse. Which leads to a vicious cycle of self hatred.

Hob, who had become friends with Dream at some point, and had long since fallen for his friend, somehow finds out about this thought process of Dream's and is absolutely devastated. Which of course leads to Hob doing his absolute best to convince Dream he's not the worst person alive. Dream is very stubborn though, it takes a lot of work, but eventually Hob manages to help Dream see how unfair he is to himself and just how wrong his thought process is

Anyway, but I hope you enjoy this concept I thought of, it seemed like the exact sort of angst and hurt/comfort you enjoy, so I had to share

Bro you know me so Goddamn well.

(Vibing human au just cause I’ve been in human au mode for the fic I’m working on lol)

Cause like. Here’s the thing. Pride in and of itself is not a bad thing. There’s plenty of things Dream has every right to be proud of! But he grows up with parents constantly neglecting him and calling him selfish when he wants their attention/love/support, and siblings who call him arrogant when he speaks highly of himself. His siblings try to tear him down and he fights back by overcompensating, doubling down on his pride until it does in fact tip into arrogance, but he’s just so desperate not to let them make him feel worthless (even if it doesn’t really work). And when Desire or Despair are cruel to him and he fights back the only way he knows how, HE’S the one his older siblings scold and are disappointed in. 

And time passes, and he’s not naturally good with social interactions, and then on top of that you have the trauma of his family life exacerbating the struggle. He starts having romantic relationships that start strong and then nosedive, and suddenly he’s being criticized and beaten down from all sides, no one willing to give him the benefit of the doubt or any compassion when he messes up. So he starts to figure… well, surely if EVERYONE says all these bad things about him they can’t ALL be wrong. Surely he’s the one who’s wrong.

So he enters university with this mindset that he can’t trust his own feelings unless they're negative. He’s not someone who struggles, he’s just a bad person. He’s not talented or successful, he’s just arrogant. 

And that’s who Hob meets. Dream still has a haughty demeanor- a little part of him wants people to see right away what a “bad person” he is so that he can get it over with (plus, deceiving them would just make him a worse person, right?)- but Hob is obsessed with him immediately. Privately, Hob thinks of Dream like a stray cat, hissing and scratching out of fear and distrust, but it takes some time for him to realize just how accurate that assessment is. They become closer, and he starts to notice some things, like how Dream doesn’t tell him about the galleys he gets accepted into, or the stories that gets published, or the tests he aces. When he prods Dream about it, he shrugs it off, saying it doesn’t matter, it’s nothing, he wasn’t going to burden Hob with something so insignificant.

Hob tells Dream he should be proud of himself for his accomplishments and Dream is literally speechless.

No one has ever told Dream he should be proud. His pride was what made him unlovable, right?

Oops, did he say that out loud?

It’s like pulling teeth getting Dream to explain to Hob- How he’s always been wrong before, how he’s never gotten it right, so obviously he can’t trust his own perception of himself. Maybe he was excited, or felt a little spark of joy and pride at his successes, but he knows now that he actually has no reason to be proud of anything ever because he’s just a burden and a bad person. 

Hob is going to cry.

It’s a hard battle getting Dream out of this mindset. Hob kind of just has to go all in, because it’s not like Dream talks openly about his thought process, Hob just happened to notice and drag it out of him. So even if it might seem like Dream is just chilling on the couch watching a show, odds are he’s actually deconstructing every single thing he’s said and done that day and twisting them into proof for why he’s unlovable. But it’s not like it’s a chore for Hob- all he’s really doing is giving Dream the validation and approval that he never got growing up, and showing him a bit of grace when he stumbles. To Hob it's nothing, but to Dream it's everything.

(It’s also very cute to see how red Dream gets when Hob compliments him or shows up to his gallery exhibitions or tapes his A+ essays onto the fridge.)

There’s ups and downs, and there will continue to be ups and downs for a while. But when Hob finally kisses him, Dream thinks to himself… If someone as good as Hob can love him? Then maybe- just maybe- he’s not so bad himself.

[sabtoonz]

at this point I can't tell anymore whether i'm faking shit or my parents are just being horrible. my dad is always making fun of the way i dress because i don't like being feminine. he judges the fact im hairy, tells me that i can't question my gender because i'm still "too young for that". he always judges the way i do things and over explains things to me as if i was 5 even when i tell him to stop doing that. he just always tells me that he's my dad and I can't ever criticize his methods. he just always thinks he's immune to criticism due to being my dad, and yet he always tells me "why are you yelling at me? what did i do wrong?". he always threatens and intimidates me by saying that i will suffer so much in life.he probably thinks im faking adhd because he always tell me that being innatentive has nothing to do with it. i'm so tired.

my mom just thinks she's the person who suffers the most in this world. she's geniunely hurt me so many times before but whenever i tell her to stop doing that she guilttrips me by saying "oh, so i'm the witch? you think your own mom is being shitty to you? is that what you think of me?". and like my dad she refuses to understand my experiences with adhd such as suffering with executive dysfunction and breaking down because I can't make myself do simple tasks. she tells me my anxiety isn't severe even when i'm literally being medicated for it and i'm almost always extremely paranoid that someone's watching me, or overthinking every single small detail causing me to spiral.

recently I've tried to hurt myself to try to get attention from my parents and show them I'm actually struggling. but they always just say that i'm insane and get mad and yell at me. is it bad that i want to be comforted by them in situations like this? /genq. and everytime this happens i blame myself and yell at myself internally which just causes me to have more suicidal urges which just continues this vicious cycle.

but at this point I can't tell if i'm victimizing myself or truly suffering. I've always grown up convinced that i'm a fool, an idiot for struggling with things like this. i bring myself down and exaggerate so much i never give myself the chance to question why something happened and just always asume it's my fault. and i think it always is, really. I don't know. when i was younger i started yelling at myself in the mirror because i was having a meltdown due to not being able to do a homework and afterwards my mom called me to her room and told me to stop putting on the victim's mask and start accepting the blame. i still remember a few months ago when i went downstairs to try to cut myself and yet again my mom started yelling at me and saying something along the lines of "if you want to die ao much, why don't i just kill you?" and backed me to the corner of the room holding a knife. she didn't do anything but i was so horrified, and still am. the only time i truly hurt myself was when i was 10 and i cut my arm. it's the first and only time i ever saw my dad cry.

I can't tell anymore if I'mright or wrong. i am a shitty person and likely am wrong and just want to guilttrip others into feeling bad for me. i can't cry around my parents. i can't cry around myself. i deserve the worst punishment and should kill myself to end my own and my parents' suffering. i'm just a burden and i refuse to address it. but at the same time I don't want to die. should i end it or just continue being shitty and making everything worse? /rhetorical question

i just want to be comforted by my parents when I'm feeling upset. i don't have any friends at school because I don't trust anyone. i want a shoulder to cry on when i'm upset. i want to trust someone. i want to love someone. i want to love myself.

[agirldying]

👁️ anon here

tw// victim blaming (probably, maybe?) of abuse, invalidation and wishing to be abused worse.

Recently, I became an open book. An annoying one, because I tend to overshare, and that oversharing lead to me sometimes blurting things about my abuse/trauma that happen on the daily basis (yep, still living with two of my abusers), and sometimes I think I do it on purpouse just to have a validating reaction (Ik it's not healthy, I am working on it), but usually the reaction is...

Not validating? Sometimes they just tell me "That's just how parents are" (even when I know this is *not* how parents should be) and sometimes the answer is a straight up "That's your fault, you should've moved as soon as you could" and sometimes that just makes me wish my abuse is as horrible as sometimes I feel it is.

Like, I didn't move out because, I don't think I could do it on my own, and I think that's also the only reason why I didn't get kicked out in the worst moment, because they also think I wouldn't do it. They essencially tell me I am useless (not straight up "You're useless" but usually it's implied in what they say when I fail to do something or spend too much time away from them) on a weekly basis, and tbh, I sometimes believe what they say, because usually I can't keep up with routine (tired, messed sleep schedule (insomnia), I can forget tasks even if they are in front of me, spaces quickly become disorders, slow in doing chores) and that lead to me deciding tl stay here until I end college because that's the only way I can do it.

Sometimes I wish my abuse was worse because of that. That it left me a wound for days or months just so I could cry about it without thinking I am just being sensitive, that the problem is not me not being able to keep up with everyone else my age because I am simply incapable of it becase of *me* being *me*, but because I have a good reason to not be able to keep up. Sometimes I wish that I was abused worse just so I could hurt and be angry at whoever did it, not be able to go on in the day with the same person because I still love them.

And I apologize to everyone who suffered more than me, because I think that they would wish for their abuse to be over while I wish mine was worse.

Hi 👁️,

I hear you. Some people are so ill-equipped to respond to someone talking about their trauma to the point that they end up causing more damage. To say "that's just how parents are" is incredibly minimizing and dismisses the traumatizing aspect of your experience. And of course, telling you that it's your fault is victim-blaming. Nobody should make you feel like you have to explain yourself, especially in the decisions you made or didn't make during your trauma. I hate that anyone has ever said those things to you.

It's so awful because I can see how that might make you wish your abuse was "severe enough" to not be minimized. But please know that your abuse is severe enough. You shouldn't have to suffer more just for people to believe or validate you, you already deserve those things. You are a survivor, just like the people in scenarios you may deem as worse. That's really all that matters, not how bad your trauma was.

I think sometimes being invalidated can create a vicious cycle of what is essentially traumadumping. I have been guilty of this. I've been gaslit so many times that I always want to talk about my trauma in hopes to not only outnumber the times I've been gaslit but to now silence my inner critic that perpetuates the gaslighting. That's part of what makes the validation so essential to me, and I wonder if that resonates with you.

This is a philosophy I abide by: everyone's trauma is equal. Everyone is so different that some people respond to certain events differently than others. This means that something that may not be traumatizing to you may be for someone else. That's why it's not about what happened, it's about how your trauma affects you. So for someone to say "you have to go through xyz to be valid" is absurd and impractical. You don't even have to be a survivor to be valid, you know?

I also just want to say that it is common regardless of what kind of trauma you've been through to have mixed feelings about your abuser. Often times it is someone we know and love which can make it hard to just instantly hate them. There are many complex factors for why we feel the way we do, and that's okay. You don't have to hate your abuser. But sometimes a part of our healing journey is learning to be angry (this was me). I would say that, if you want to be angry with your abuser but just aren't, give it time. It took me several years but it's possible. It's important to be patient with yourself in your recovery process. Give yourself the patience and understanding you wished people had given you.

I hope I could help. I'm here if you want to reply or need to talk about anything else.

[infinitecrime]

Just a quick statement in case anyone was wondering where I have been/will be. I've been taking, and will continue to take, a short Tumblr break until the SCU (Sebastian Cancellation Universe) wears itself out and goes on hiatus. I deleted Tumblr off my phone a few days ago and realised immediately that all this vicious, misinformed discourse pretty much solely exists on here and twitter, and if I want to avoid it, I can simply remove myself from the space.

I'm certainly not going to be gone forever - the head Canceller has made it quite clear that her sole intention was to "bully Sebastian off the internet", and presumably his fans too, while using POC and social issues as pawns/collateral damage. To quit the fandom feels like letting them win, but taking a break feels necessary at this point.

I like to listen to others who have different perspectives and value their opinions - but at the end of the day, I form my own and do my own research. And so far, I have seen absolutely nothing to change my opinion that Sebastian is a kind and well meaning man who sometimes doesn't think through every conceivable perspective before his does something - in other words, a flawed human. I'm not going to call for the end of a man's career and/or life, or withdraw my support of him, because 4 years ago he (accidentally, for all we know) liked a video of a man being called out for rapping the N-word and being told to censor himself, or because he smiled weird next to a statue while playing a Buddhist character. We can criticise him for his own actions, but these are willfully disingenuous interpretations specifically designed to harm not just him, but also POC fans who look up to him. I won't let myself be lied to, gaslighted, or dragged into a herd mentality. A disturbing number of people are not actually angry at him, but are simply scared of being harassed if they dare to question what they're being told or form their own opinions, so join the herd. The pursuit of the moral highground is addictive but futile, and you lose it as soon as you stoop to bullying, abuse, harassment, stalking and running dedicated, deranged hate accounts.

I'm not going to cancel him for a handful of bad jokes or mistakes made years ago that have been profusely apologised for and learnt from, either, and I'm not going to cancel him because of the years old actions of people he is associated with that he had nothing to do with. This isn't fair, proportional or helpful, at all. It's not activism, and it's not social justice - in fact, the constant malicious attempts to cancel him are only making it harder for him to see legitimate criticism or respond without setting a precedent that death threats will get his attention and a grovelling apology for things he didn't say and views he doesn't hold.

If your whole life was on tape and available to comb through with the worst intentions, and you weren't hiding behind anonymous accounts, I could construct equally terrible narratives from every bad joke, misspoken word, ill thought out comment, accidental like, dubious friend, mistake, genuinely hurtful moment or show of ignorance that you have ever made, but apologised for, grew from and forgot about instantly. You have that right: but you don't grant it to him, because he isn't truly a human being to you. So many of the blatantly and demonstrably false accusations I have been seeing would have been dispelled through the most basic level of fact checking and critical thinking, but through herd mentality and what I can only describe as moral bloodlust, they've gained serious, dangerous traction.

For someone who was raised in a deeply insular, conservative, traditional, orthodox environment, he has done a genuinely excellent job of freeing himself from that cycle of ignorance and using his platform in a positive way, as well as responding when he genuinely has misstepped. He will likely never be on the same level of educated/woke as a ~25 year old American who was literally raised knee deep in social justice twitter discourse, because he didn't have that privilege, but we are all on a journey and progress is not linear or with a clearly defined end.

The ironic thing is: the current state of the fandom is a direct result of how nice and willing to listen and learn Seb has been! The level to which he used to engage with fans and respond to criticism and feedback has created an expectation that he will ask how high whenever he is told to jump, and if he doesn't respond to every little thing, this means he doesn't care or hates us. His willingness to own up to mistakes, apologise and grow publically has created the strange idea that if he's not doing something publically, it's not happening, as if he only exists while we can see him, like social media peekaboo. His openness and willingness to act on criticism of those in his social and professional circles has led to the belief that we can demand he cut anyone we dislike out of his life immediately instead of helping and supporting them in making amends and learning, if only we can dig up some old dirt on them. It's entitled, parasocial nonsense. This is a total stranger who owes us nothing, is not actually accountable to us, does not have to ever respond to us or meet our demands, and has a complex and private inner life that we ultimately know nothing about.

I feel immensely sorry for the fans, especially POC, who have been wrongly led to believe that Seb hates or is discriminatory towards them on the basis of lies, hyperbole and some serious reaching. I feel deeply sorry for Seb's friends and family, who have been subject to an enormous amount of abuse and harassment (much of which has been racist, sexist, bodyshaming, xenophobic and cruel in nature - all in the name of social justice?) merely for being friends with him, and who recently had to see #RIPSebastianStan trending. Mostly, I feel immensely sorry for Sebastian, who has not been allowed the same basic rights everyone else in the world gets: the right to learn and grow, the right to forgiveness and freedom from harassment, and the right to be judged on things that *you* actually *did* rather than fictional narratives.

I cannot imagine the mental toll thousands of people calling for your death must take. I cannot imagine how it feels to have hate accounts dedicated to abusing you and critiquing your every move, and that of everyone you love. I cannot imagine the impact of obsessive doxxing, stalking and harassment. I cannot imagine all of this happening when you have been quite open about your mental health issues and serious struggles. There are truly only so many messages telling you to kill yourself that you can take, and I just hope he has people in his corner to remind him who he truly is and what he truly stands for.

[nikibogwater]

Okay, I don’t know why it took me this long to post, but there was something I forgot to bring up in my Daniel Spellbound Blethers, and I’m a little mad at myself for it because it was easily one of the best aspects of the whole show (in my opinion, at least); the fact that the final conflict wasn’t a straightforward fight against a singular evil, but rather our main characters caught in the middle of a battle between two extremes. Camila and Viktor are both people who have perceived a wrong in their world, an injustice, and desire to fix it. They’re not so much evil as much as they are over-zealous. Though you could argue that those two things are interchangeable in this story, since both lead to these characters doing awful things. Either way, both pose an equal threat to the magical world. And the way the show sets up this conflict is so unexpectedly clever, because for the majority of the show, we only know about Camila and her plans. So when Viktor shows up and offers to aid Daniel in the battle against her, it seems like a fairly straightforward team-up against a fairly straightforward villain. His plan to liberate all magic-users from the regulations of the Bureau of Magical Enforcement might seem, at first glance, like a logical counter to Camila’s goal of completely subjugating them. But Daniel immediately shoots this down as the extreme idea that it is. He understands that the further you move away from one extreme ideal, the closer you get to another. Go too far, and you just end up creating yet another equally terrible situation. And I think we can all understand why completely unrestricted and unregulated use of magic is a terrible idea in this case.

And not to sound like a Controversial Internet Grandma here, but I think that’s a very relevant theme right now. With the rise of algorithms and internet echo chambers, a lot of online communities have lost the ability to have honest discourse, to even listen to any perspective that differs from their own. One group brings up a problem from the Other Side™, and then in their effort to distance themselves from said problem, they just create another one, which in turn, causes the Other Side™ to react in the same way, and it just becomes this vicious cycle of two communities pushing each other into further and further insanity, while simultaneously completely failing to discuss their initial disagreements in the first place. There’s no more middle ground or room to compromise, no space to have respectful discourse. And certainly no chance of actually fixing any real issues. 

Anyways, TL;DR, it was really cool to see a kids’ show like Daniel Spellbound tackle a nuanced theme like this without being overt or preachy about it. I’ve given the show a lot of criticism, but I really do think the writers did some masterful work with it. 

...Hoagie is still an obnoxious little snot tho and I WILL NOT STAND TO HEAR OTHERWISE. ANYONE WHO LIKES HIM IS LITERALLY THE WORST AND UR DEAD TO ME!!!@!!!!!$Q!!

[beneaththemasks]

Analyzing Atsushi and Akutagawa pt.1 (I have a lot to say so there's gonna be a part 2)

CW: Dazai hate

first of all I want to clarify that I don’t think any of this is going to happen but it’d be really nice if it did... however, since BSD is a fiction story and my analysis is based on what would be ideal in the real life I don’t think it’s too likely for this to happen.

I think Atsushi should leave the ADA and Akutagawa should leave the Port Mafia.

To begin with, I’d like to tell you how I came up with this idea; 

The thing is that in the BSD fandom there’s this (sadly too popular) discussion about Atsushi being a good, strong and entertaining main character or not. Many times I’ve seen people discussing this as if it was simply and wholy a matter of yes or no and the more the discussion grows the more angry I get (but i get angry too easily so don’t mind me).

In my opinion Atsushi is not weak, I actually don’t think any character in BSD is tbh (I mean they’d beat the shit out of me even if they don’t know how to fight because all ever do with my life is sit on my tiny piano and play my silly little mozart). But leaving the physical strenght aside, I still don’t think he’s a weak/strong or boring/entretaining character. I think the charm of Atsushi as a MC lies elsewhere.

Yes he’s pretty, he’s kind, he has an e-boy haircut and I’d let him step on me with those worn-out dirty boots.

But he’s also a common person living among prodigies and demons.

(Really, I feel like standing up and appaluding Asagiri for choosing Atsushi as the mc and writing him the way he did because there’s nothing that could make my shitty life better than knowing that the protagonist of my favourite story in the world is someone I can relate so much to that I actually ended up learning more about myself through him.)

And yes, we’ve seen this happen many times in countless stories (yes yes haikyuu for example) where the plot worked as good as any other even though the MC took longer than the rest to get to where they were but managed to do so in the end (unlike the typical shonen mc that levels-up overnight) plus what people mostly criticize about Atsushi as a MC are his constant war flashbacks and how much he self-doubts himself.

So I came to the conclusion that it's not really Atsushi and his journey as a MC but his unresolved trauma what seems to annoy the audience instead.

And that’s how I came up with a fiction-breaking answer to your problems; If you want Atsushi to stop suffering over and over again for the same things, he has to leave the ADA and get some real therapy.

(Don’t misunderstand me, even if I accept him and love him as he’s now, I’d still love it if this were the real final for him bc it hurts me to see him suffer all the time.)

Think about it, Atsushi is just a poor boy, abandoned by hell itself and thrown into the street in the worst conditions a human being could be just to end up running into a maniac manipulator with a good heart that offers him a roof over his head on the condition he accepts a job that Atsushi himself says doesn’t want and is too afraid to be a part of and that he tried to leave once but failed to do so and then felt too guilty to try again because he eats guilt and remorse with milk for breakfast so now he has no choice but risk his life, face his archenemy physical pain to beat his enemies and constantly fear that he might not be doing what’s right or being good enough while having a huge responsibility on his bare shoulders.

As it stands, his situation can only be explained by that famous saying “it’s not that you don’t want to grow/heal, it’s that the environment is not apt for you to do it”. Yeah, no wonder he hasn’t made any progress overnight and feels so hopeless at times.

I love everyone in the ADA (not you Dazai) and their found family made out of scraps and angsty love is all I ever whish for, but just because he’s finally found people to rely on that care about him doesn’t mean it’s enough to heal so much damage (suprise suprise your family and love won’t always be enough to heal trauma). Atsushi won’t overcome his fears by facing them head-on nor will he become more independent by fighting on his own (actually we all know he hates fighting alone and that’s because he’s not in a place where he can trust in himself yet) instead, it’s very likely he’ll end up pushing himself to the limit to get “stronger” faster and end up loosing sight of himself.

And here's where Akutagawa enters.

The reason why I also mention him is because Akutagawa for me is the perfect example of why Atsushi has to stop now before it’s too late. 

Akutagawa has been past the point of no return for a long time now, he’s fought so hard to get "better" faster for the sake of being recognised by Dazai that he stopped recognising what’s real and what’s not. Akutagawa is already strong enough and has everything he needs but can’t recognise it because he works in a place where the more and faster you kill the better you are, so even though he’s the most feared member of the PM he doesn’t believe it because he hasn’t heard Dazai saying it.

To me it makes perfect sense that Dazai insists so much on making them face each other, I mean, Atsushi has everything Akutagawa wants and Akutagawa has everything Atsushi wants and as long each they stay blinded by their own unrealistic expectations they’ll keep risking their lives for something they will never accomplish under those circumstances, it turns into a vicious cycle where Dazai seems to be the only one benefiting from this since he now has two UltraRare awakened subordinates to fight for the sake of his book or whatever he wants. (but don’t let me get too excited about this topic ‘cause I could talk about Dazai for 3 days)

Yes I know I know, it was a very good thing that Asagiri decided to break that toxic vicious cycle and made one of them think for both to finally make Atsushi challenge Akutagawa to stop killing for six months as a condition to fight with him (that's called GROWTH, breaking out of the cage, abandoning the nest, etc).

But unlike Atsushi, Akutagawa doesn’t have many people to rely on when the time all of his enemies show up -after mori has beaten the fuck out of him for not showing results and lowers his rank to the same Oda had- to make him pay (let’s be honest the mafia couldn’t care less about the errand boy).

Basically, Aku has to leave the Port Mafia in order to stay safe, gain perspective and find a reason to live of his own rather than sit and wait for dazai to approve of his every move (the same goes for Sushi, he has to stop throwing himself off of high buildings to save people and stopping bullets with his mouth to be validated by his peers). 

But yeah, Akutagawa is probably not going to leave the PM and Atsushi is probably not going to leave the ADA but as someone who really wants to see them doing some real growth and barely stands this “just forget your trauma and fight” thing that’s going on I had to say it.

I mean, look at Dazai, it was no untill Oda told him he clearly wasn’t going to find a purpose to live that he decided that mayyyyybe the PM was not a good place to try spiritual healing.

What’s more, I’d say almost every single character in BSD is too fucked up to be able to heal in the kind of environmet they work at and that they must have let the pain sink or whatever bc they jsut don’t want to change their lives but idk man that’s fine if it makes them happy. 

:)

[poisonfallen]

Your take on cancel culture and stan culture?

Oh boy, oh boy, it's happening.

Alright, let's talk about toxic people on the internet. And keep in mind that my opinion goes beneath the mcyt community. I feel the same about the kpop community and any other community that is famous for having lots of toxic people. 

Also, keep in mind that this is my opinion about these topics, I don’t intend to offend or misinform anybody. I might be wrong, and if I am wrong indeed, please help me correct any mistake that I’ve done.

Cancel culture

Before ranting about its toxicity, let's understand what it actually means and how it works.

What is cancel culture? 

Well, according to Wikipedia, “cancel culture or call-out culture is a modern form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether it be online, on social media, or in person” (source). 

Basically, cancel culture is the process of ceasing offering support to a public figure after saying or doing something that is considered objectionable or offensive. 

In theory, cancel culture is a good thing that helps the victims speak up and properly defend themselves, as well as preventing other people from doing the same mistakes. No harm done to innocent people, just a way of saying why a certain person or a certain company has done something that really hurt a category of people. Some even say that it’s an exercise of free speech.

However, while a culture that encourages calling out inappropriate behaviour is important, a culture that is quick to cancel and reluctant to forgive is something that divides the internet and starts wars in the trial of defending an opinion that is not shared by every single person on the internet, thus becoming the thing that its purpose is to defeat. (a vicious cycle of hatred)

So why is it toxic?

From my point of view, I don’t think that cancel culture is a toxic thing in theory. But the way people actually use it is what concerns (and bothers) me. 

In its current form, anonymous and fuelled by negative emotions, cancel culture has the power to destroy a person’s career in a matter of minutes. There are no gray areas, just the white and black pack mentality: “I am right and you are wrong”. 

The subject of the cancelation becomes “cancelled” for disagreeing with a certain opinion, and the cancelled one feels like the whole world is hating them. No one can argue that going through a cancellation, no matter how big or small it is, can severely affect one’s mental health and leave them scarred for life. 

Cancel culture, at this point, is bullying someone famous without facing the consequences. We are already used to surf the web and stumble across someone’s cancelation over something that not even in our wildest dreams we would be able to imagine otherwise. 

I think that all of us are familiar with a stupid cancelation, like canceling someone over a burger that somehow became the sole reason of obesity (see: Dream MrBeast burger). We can’t help but laugh at people trying to cancel someone for a stupid reason. 

But, unfortunately, not all of our cancelations are stupid or laughable. There are people cancelled over their physical aspect or them not being political active, people cancelled over being friends with certain people or over saying something that is now considered to be slightly offensive a few years ago. The ones who are under the spotlight can’t make jokes or take decisions by themselves, they are supposed to be the marionettes of their fans. 

(I do not intend to say that all cancelations are bad, but I’m trying to highlight how the majority of the most recent cancelations are out of place. If someone actually tries to actively harm your minority, your beliefs etc. you should call out that inappropriate behaviour, but without purposely harming that person as a means of payback) 

There is also a toxic behaviour that I’ve noticed in a cancelation: the “I forgive you”/”I don’t forgive you” phrase used by people who have no right to do so. If you are part of the minority who has been hurt, then you have every right to forgive or not someone for saying or doing something hurtful towards your minority. 

But if you are not a part of that minority, shut the f*** up. By speaking on behalf of a minority while you aren’t part of that minority you take away the right of actually addressing the issue from the people who are part of that minority. You can support them from the sides and let them express their pain with their own voice. They perfectly capable of addressing the issue, they need your support but not you taking the spotlight away from the actual problem.

What is my take on cancel culture?

I think that there are more civil ways of resolving an issue without actively trying to destroy someone’s career. Instead of cancelling that person, we could educate them (but not in that harmful way I’ve seen on twitter) on the subject and on why their words or actions are hurtful. 

We should remember that we are all humans and that every human makes mistakes. Don’t forget that children learn by making mistakes. And while I’m well aware that we are not talking about children here, you should also be well aware that we are talking about actual humans with feelings. 

Cancelation should be the last weapon we use, but only if that person refuses to give an apology and educate themselves on the subject. 

Overall, don’t. Just don’t cancel people. Don’t attack people on the internet. Don’t try to harm people on the internet. 

Some of you might disagree with my opinion and I’m open to criticism as long as you can help me educate more on the subject.

Now let’s move on to the other topic

Stan culture

Before I start talking about this one, I’d like to point out that stans actually scare me, a lot. 

What is stan culture?

“Stan culture describes an online phenomenon in which communities of stalker fans, or stans, engage in overly enthusiastic support of a favorite celebrity online (called “stanning”), including at times vehement, coordinated attacks against detractors and critics” (source). 

Basically stan = stalker + fan. 

There are also people who say that the word stan comes from Eminem’s song “Stan” which tells the story of a crazed fan. I do recommend listening to the lyrics of this song if Eminem is not your cup of tea, it’s a good intake in what stan culture was at the beginning of 2000′s.

To be honest, I don’t have anything more to add at this section. Anything more I’d say would, in the end, be the same as what was already stated. (but you can see my opinion on it with more comments at the end)

It stan culture toxic?

You have to live under a rock if you had never seen a stan on twitter or tumblr. You usually recognize them by their profile pictures, the content they share, their posts and their ready to argue behaviour in case you insult or disagree with the ones they worship. 

I’d like to point out that there is a fine line between a stan and a fan: stans know no length when it comes to defending their object of worship and often have really toxic ways of expressing their opinions, while a fan is there just to enjoy their favourite content without engaging in harmful discussion and hate speeches. 

This topic is filled with controversy. In essence, stanning should be a means of showing support. The majority of them don’t even realize the toxicity they spread only after leaving the fandom. 

The real problem here is the moment when they engage in conflicts without entertaining the thought that they might be wrong. Anything they do is right and their object of worship can say or do no mistake. This extends to the point of sending death threats and even doxxing. 

For those who don’t know about doxxing, short for dropping dox: doxxing is an internet slang that means to publish personal information (of an individual) on the internet. You can find more about it here.

With no intend to disrespect or disregard one’s religious beliefs, you can say that stanning is like being part of a religion. The stans are the extremist people who practice that religion, while the fans are those who practice it from time to time (eg. like a Christian who goes to Church only on Christmas and Easter - me). 

In the end, stan culture is toxic to both the stans and celebrities. 

Is there a connection between stan culture and cancel culture?

They are both toxic internet cultures, this one is right for sure.

From what I’ve noticed during my short timed stay on twitter, a lot of cancelations are made by stans from the same community or different communities. 

I’m part of mcyt community, so I’ve seen a lot of Dream fans and Dream antis fighting over the past months, trying to cancel each other and harm each other. It’s mental seeing people actively trying to do these kind of things just because they love or hate a certain person. Of course that we can’t tie the situation to a certain content creator. 

I know that his also happens a lot in the kpop community where stans are in a constant fight to destroy the career of each other’s favourite idol group or bias (someone's most favorite member of an idol group). 

What is my take on stan culture?

I feel like I need to repeat myself: stans scare the s*** out of me. 

It’s like their sole purpose in life is to support someone and don’t have the basic sense of boundaries. A lot of problems arise with this: like shipping people who are uncomfortable being shipped with, intense sexualizing (sexualizing the minors is the worst from my point of view), creating drama and intentionally ignoring real world problems just to make their favourite person(s) trend, and the list is so long that I feel like I’d create a record on tumblr for the longest post if I go on. 

We are talking about some weird adaptation of Lord of the Flies where children raise each other on the internet. It’s like a cult and they are brainwashed into believing what everybody else thinks. And the worst part is that I don’t think we’ll ever get better from this, things are only going south to heaven. 

I might be wrong and biased, so I do expect someone to help me understand these topics better, but for now these are my firm opinions. 

I’d also like to clarify, once again, that in the religion example I’m not making fun of Christianity, I’m just using it as a means to help people better understand my point.

[zodiacrant]

10th House and Daddy issues  (This is also applicable to any father like figures in your life not only your biological one. It also sheds some light on what would you be like as a father/father-figure)

 ✤ Aries in 10th house ✤

✤You and your father have a hot and intense relationship. There’s is such a difference in power where your father implemented their dominance and rules over you, creating an unbalanced relationship. They have a tendency to one up you and be competitive over the simplest of things, creating a wedge very early on. 

✤Your daddy issues played with your self confidence. You’re unsure of yourself and your decisions, often going along with it just to avoid conflict . You have a fear of loud noise and screaming, and feel very uncomfortable around others.

✤As a father figure you’re strict and upfront. Growing up with a no-nonsense father made you knowledgeable of both sides and any tactics your kids could use. Cause you been there, you’ve done that. However, you won’t repeat your fathers mistakes and would allow your kids to have their time to shine and enjoy life.

✤You’re into romantic daddies that exude confidence effortlessly rather than force it. Love to travel, preferably works in a high risk job or even can be in the mafia so you can live that godfather fantasy.

✤ Taurus in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was very strong willed, stern and stubborn. You two had a hard time when having any conversation. Disagreeing leads to an argument and they had to have the last word. No word is above theirs.

✤Your daddy issues made you a conformist. You approve of others ,even if you disagree, and keep your true opinion to yourself. You doubt your capabilities, work, undermine your contributions and believe that your thoughts are wrong or irrelevant.

✤As a father figure you’re stern but kind. Your time with your father taught you how to listen and now it’s time to talk. You will make a clear set of things that have to go your way but allow your kids to have a say when it comes to other things. You will be conflicted and get scared of imaging your father so you gotta find a balance in there.

✤You’re into daddies that treat you like the king/queen that you’re. Clothes, food, mansions, yacht, flying around the world. You want someone give you what your father never did. Very Lana Del Rey.

✤ Gemini in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was very childish and immature, possibly having little to no respect for anyone. They’re the father and they can do whatever they want. They didn’t mind their business and were always in yours, violating your privacy made you a very sneaky person and a big time liar. They would sit around while you’re with your friends, making fun of, embarrassing you, humiliating you all at your own expense and to please their tiny fragile ego.

✤Your daddy issues developed a hate for childlike behavior and immaturity. You’re intolerant to pranks, roasts and other unsavory acts. You’re quick to take it personally.

✤As a father figure you’re a vicious protector. No one can come to your kid with that playground bullshit. You’re quick to shut it down. Your children grow very dependent on you emotionally, rendering them immature in some ways. 

✤You’re into a smart daddy, very career man, educated and highly knowledgeable. Someone that can take you to the world wonders rather than just talk about then, a person of their words and keep promises. They highly stimulate you, Intellectually of course.

✤ Cancer in 10th house ✤

✤Your father enforced their ideals and beliefs on you. You were not allowed to do anything without them approving of it first. Friends, clothes, video games, social media, music and even food, they had the say on what’s comes and goes. 

✤Your daddy issues made you a rebel. You go against any rules, and don’t like to be told what to do, you like to be shocking and be controversial. Think religious girl gone wild, like Madonna or Katy Perry.

✤As a father figure you cherish your kids for who they are and give them the liberty of being their own person. The down side is that your kids have little respect for rules and others wishes and personal space. Disciplining them is especially difficult since they do as they please with no regards cause “I am my own person and I do as I please.”

✤You’re in love with daddies with power that are very macho and masculine. Police officers and criminals are a big part of the fantasy. Being with a powerful daddy makes you feel feminine and like a whole woman.

✤ Leo in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was an unbearable self centered overlord. They took good care of themselves but gave just the bare minimum to you. They drove good cars, slept on a good mattress, flied first class and wore designer clothes. You on the other hand took public transport or drove an old used car, slept on their old jacked up mattress, was lucky to even get on the trip and wore the same old clothes. 

✤Your daddy issues made you self sufficient. Your independence made relationships seem pointless, you were provided everything to yourself so no one compared. People are expandable so they have to prove their worth and purpose. 

✤Being a father figure you taught your children how to be on their own. They cleaned after themselves and were responsible for themselves, as much as a child can. You gave them tough love when needed but also gave them the freedom of learning and living their life to the fullest. Your motto is “when you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready”.

✤You’re into dominating and different power dynamics. Pool boy, the Gardner, a coach, a secretary, you like to dominate and have sex with a young daddy. Meow cougar.

✤ Virgo in 10th house ✤

✤Your father had set up relentless standards that were basically impossible to achieve. Being good was expected and a most, but every fall or second place made all those achievements disappear. Completely destroying your self-esteem.

✤Your daddy issues made you a perfectionist that is hard to please. Everything has to be a certain way or else it’s all going to the trash and in vain. Your father’s disappointed words play on a loop in your made. To the world you’re the best of the best, but on the inside you’re your own worst critique and enemy.

✤As a father figure you’re your kids biggest supporter. You don’t only give them advice but teach them the tools to be great at solving problems.You can be at times over critical with how things should be done but you’re not opposed to your children correcting you or doing it their on way. Sometimes.

✤You want a daddy who got it all. The wealth, the prestige, the brains and the career. You want someone that will not only fulfill your physical needs but also give something priceless, knowledge and know-how.

✤ Libra in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was pushover that cared more about others opinions over your own happiness and individuality. He was easily played by others and didn’t defend you. He isn’t around when you need him and is very dependent on others. 

✤Your daddy issues made you an independent go getter. You’re socially skilled thanks to years of raising yourself on how to dodge uncalled for comments from family members, and have a good balance between giving people a second chance and stand in your ground.

✤As a father figure you’re a fair minded person that treats every child specifically based on how they’re and their needs. You value honesty and doing what is right, you teach your kids to learn from their mistakes. That means they will be given a second chance as well as suffer the consequences of their actions.

✤You’re into cheesy romantic things, you love to be pampered and be taken care of your. That means daddy got to have a good bank accounts, since wine, diner, flowers and diamonds don’t come cheap and so does you.

✤ Scorpio in 10th house ✤  

✤Your father was very critical of you and had difficult expectations for you. They asserted themselves over you by meddling all aspects of your life to make you “theirs” forever.

✤Your daddy issues made you a cut-throat straight up over achiever. An everyday politicians, you know how to manipulate and change minds. Growing up with your father made you strong willed and assertive, no one can get through your icy thick walls.

✤As a father figure you give what was not given to you as a child, freedom and no expectations. You raise your children to be smart, strong and capable humans that won’t need others.

✤Your daddy issues made yearn for love and affection. Living a love story is something no one would guess that you’re looking for, but that’s because they don’t know you.

✤ Sagittarius in 10th house ✤       

✤Your father inconsistent in your life. One minute they’re  cold, the other they’re hot, first it’s left and then it’s right. Living with your father was crazy to say the least. Their inconsistency made it difficult feel safe or stable in anything.

✤Your daddy issues reflected badly on your behavior. Early on you were flaky, late, lazy and felt abandoned from all those times your father forgot and wasn’t there. Then the cycle switch and you start taking your life very seriously, the idea of being your father or seeing their behavior in other boiled you. You’re a straight shooter that stuck to their guns no matter what.

✤As a father figure, you try to always be there for your kids. You want to make memories with them and document everything so those memories will live forever. It is very hard for you to get over your father but making up with your kids help.

✤You’re into adventures daddies that are not afraid to take risks and live life to it’s fullest. You love making memories, especially if it’s in a foreign country at night where anythings feels possible.

✤ Capricorn in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was a nit picky authoritarian that meddled with all aspects of your life. For the most past of your childhood you were not to be exposed to anything they disagreed with and you were very sheltered. Your teen years were weird and awkward since the way they brought you up made them the only person that was there and had any effect on you.

✤Your daddy issues rendered you incapable of holding social interaction and lacking real knowledge of the world. You emerged in your young adult years as a child again, as if you truly started to live from the moment you left your father behind.

✤As a father figure you’re precise and attentive. You remember a lot about your kids, and you gave them all that they needed physically and emotionally. Because of the way you were brought up, you can get overly protective and paranoid over their safety and who they’re with. Although you can be suffocating to them, no one can deny that you raised your children to be well educated and wholesome people.

✤Your daddy issues made you crave someone that holds a powerful or influential position. Politicians and religious figures make a big part of the sexual fantasy. Reliving being dominated by someone like that is a secret that you keep that you will never tell.

✤ Aquarius in 10th house ✤

✤Your father was more focused on their work and external affairs. You felt abandoned and unheard growing up, where your issues were not as important and that you should be grateful for what you have.

✤Your daddy issues made crave attention and being wanted. You feel angered when unheard and would do anything so people would like you. Growing up with your father, however, made you value your life goals and passions.

✤As a father figure you’re a mentor and teacher. You teach your kids through actions and show them their true potential and strength. Helping them grow into a great human being is more important than being successful.

✤You’re into an easy going daddy that showers you with all the attention you crave. Someone that’ll spoon you but also knows how to use non physical communications. You want someone that can take you far away.

✤ Pisces in 10th house ✤

✤Your father undermined your work and treated you like a child. There was never true praise and they didn’t take you seriously, making you feel unworthy and incapable. Growing up, they always took your comments, opinions, and thoughts as a cute little from their baby that doesn’t know better.

✤Your daddy issues made you dependent and lazy. You’re emotionally immature and can’t handle the pressure of everyday life. You don’t give yourself credit for the work you’ve done and on bad day you expect others to do the work for you, whether it’s to make you feel better or run a simple errand, dependency, work and individuality are things you will always struggle with.  

✤As a father figure you’re pushover. You give your kids all the attention and things they want as a way to fulfill your deprived child self.This may grow into a problem though, since living vicariously through your kids never works out well.

✤You want a daddy that will baby you and make you feel like the princess/prince that you always dreamed to be. They’ll give you the fairy tale fantasy you used read, a romance just like in the movies and gives you the type of love you always hear about in songs but never saw in real life.

[finaledenialist]

I keep watching this show and waiting to see dean love and care for cas and I just can’t? He keeps getting worse actually, he treats cas like shit, even sam treats cas better. and I do like destiel but man it’s infuriating that the best we could get for cas is dean. sorry bitter cas girl hours

is this you misha, hiding behind anon?

(this is from 2019 :))

fair warning: bitter cas girl posting, dean critical (?)(just to be extra safe), also suicide mention

anyway hi! i don’t know what season/episode are you on but yes there is something about dean that i can’t quite put my finger on, but there is this anger in him and we heard it in the 15x09, that he admits he has it, except this just doesn’t make a lot of sense (to me). i am not negating that this character grew and changed, i am willing to say he grew softer around the edges as time passed (in general) but he also grew more angry. some people see the 10x05 gif of dean jamming to the song “they burned my mother” in the spn musical and they call it growth and i call it fanservice comedic relief. his writing is inconsistent - but one thing that is consistent is that... he is pretty shitty towards cas. he unloads on him, lashes out on him and takes him for granted, in general. for the sake of this answer i will only talk dabb era while trying to understand why, because thinking about s9 and s10 makes me so furious this answer would be 10 times longer than it already is. 

i am latching onto 12x11 regarding dean for explanation because when he forgot everything about his life (that was one big traumatic experience) he really turned into a soft happy ball. except sam also had his share of really, equally, bad experiences and he doesn’t have that anger inside of him. yes they are different but watching dean struggle and coping with getting drunk and lashing out is infuriating after 15 years. it’s just more of the same thing. the only times he lets his guard down is when he thinks he loses someone (and that someone is cas). but the worst thing is - it doesn’t change his later behaviour. 

we all seen widower arc, we all saw how he mourned cas, how angry he was, how he was praying to god himself to bring cas back and how happy he got when cas came back!!! tombstone my beloved! i seriously hoped that from 13x06 this is going to be the shift in his character: he got his big win, he is relieved, he acts so happy! and i thought he learned his lesson here: “oh no i was only able to to realize what i had when it was gone, time to change! time to cherish and enjoy what i have when i have it because by some miracle i got another second chance!”. *john mulaney’s voice:* and then he didn’t 

this is getting long so i don’t want to dig into how i don’t understand how they wrote dean’s and jack’s relationship but dean loathed jack, then cas was back and he went neutral, then when jack was dying he was suddenly dad of the year - hey i will teach you to drive and let’s go fishing (because he was faced with a loss, once again - pattern here!), then cas and jack and sam made a mistake that ended up with mary dying and jack is enemy number 1 again, and when jack is killed by god, cas takes the enemy number 1 spot. 

i know people on here are in love with divorce arc because omg it was so crucial to s15 arc!!! well yes it was but not from dean’s pov, sorry. i, a hardcore destiel shipper at the time, was relieved when for the first time ever cas stood up for himself and called out dean and decided to move on! this was amazing! refreshing! 15x06 golden time my beloved!!!!! and then cas flaps back to the bunker because they need him. and he does it because that’s who he is. and then they go to purgatory and only when dean is faced with loss, once again - only then he finally breaks and apologizes and admits to his anger. i have no doubt in my mind that he regretted what he said in 15x03 but he said it and it hurt. imagine that someone you gave up everything for says that “when something goes wrong it always seems to be you”. this is unforgivable in my book, but okay

i know i am not discovering america when i say that dean has something deeply wrong with his head and he never had friends so he doesn’t know how to care about friendship, and that losing someone (= being abandoned) is a breaking point for him because of what he’s been through BUT how he treats cas is inexcusable because yeaaah he told him he’s family, he’s like a brother to him, we know they have offscreen chats and movie nights and yes, the damn mixtape, but in the end he never did anything to make cas understand that he doesn’t just need him, that he doesn’t have to be useful and prove himself over and over again, that it’s okay if he’s just there, with them, it’s okay if he stays, that he actually wants him to stay! that he can call the bunker his home, his place! and he never did that and that is something i will never forgive

i know i talked about loss in this answer, so let’s get this to the proper end, to 15x18, when dean’s biggest fear happened right in front of his eyes. he had to witness his biggest loss happening before his own eyes. i don’t blame him for freezing and being unable to react, he was shocked, he had no idea how to stop it, he could just stare and observe and witness* - except in 12x23 that’s what kind of happened, too, he saw cas being killed and die and he was grieving to the point he commited suicide without really a second thought in 13x05 because he thought he lost him forever and life had no point. but then 12x23 didn’t have the confession and 15x18 did. 

and dean can not deal with it. once again he didn’t enjoy the time he was given. once again he didn’t let cas know how much he means to him (i am not even talking about a love confession - although it would be preferred. but just you know. let your friend know how much he means to you instead of being mean to him). and what we are shown onscreen is a mirror of what happened in s13 - dean is getting drunk, he is hopeless, and then he “accidentally” dies. the difference is, in s13 dean didn’t know where cas went after he dies and that you can actually come back from there and it doesn’t require divine intervention. 

so when you take 13x05 into account. and put it next to 15x20. there are three ways to interpret it. either the hunt was random and his death truly was an accident. maybe it was hopeless suicide and an attempt to make it look like an accident because what was the point. or maybe, just like in 13x05 - it was intentional but this was also part of a mission. in 15x20 dean knows about the empty. he canonically knows this is where he is gonna go after he dies BECAUSE BILLIE TOLD HIM (and sam) THAT (11x02, 11x17, 13x05). my bet is he planned it and he knew sam wouldn’t be on board with it so he did make it look like an accident, he just let it happen, he made sure it will happen (that’s why the long goodbye monologue instead of “call the ambulance!”) because he knew where he was going. if he won’t come back - so be it, but there was a small chance he would find cas and maybe this time, after getting this one more chance, he could change and finally be. because we know how much castiel’s words struck him and how much impactful they were. maybe that is what dean needed to hear all along, maybe these were the words that broke his curse of repeating his own vicious cycle made from aggression, anger, hate and grief. 

but we never get a chance to see the reunion.

______

*unless we lean into the schodingers kiss theory 

(also sorry for the late reply <3)(i know i drifted into other territories but i need to understand why)(if you meant and wanted to talk s9 and s10 then i am sorry </3)

[xsecretblastsx]

1x14 - The Blair B*tch Project

A new week (well not so new) and a new recap. This episode is so Mean Girls Upper east side version, and it was fun. 

As usual, recap after the break 

Thoughts I had while Watching the episode:

Is always such a delight to star an episode with one of Blair’s Audrey Hepburn inspired dream sequences, this one in particular is one of my all time faves though.

“You don’t have anyone” auch, also very simliar to watch said to her on the last episode :(

“I’m in mourning of my old life” I wonder how many times Blair thought that through the whole show

Chuck annoying Serena to no end will never get old.

So was this suposed to be Bart’s penthouse?

Chuck was always so charming with Lily, and it’s curious because it was genuine. Same with Eric,he was nice since the beginning, honestly the merging of the Van der Bass family is one of my fave plot points in the show.

I wonder what Serena did on spring break that she hadn’t talked to Blair.

This is why women say men are the worst, so Chuck and Nate get to be all offended by the mere sight of Blair, as if she was the only one in the wrong here. 

Poor Blair, yoghurt is so sticky. Also I’m not a fan of Nate here, he finds it funny and then he’s al concerned about Jenny’s tender nature. As if.

Nice and neutral would never work for Blair the same way it works for Serena, even if she wanted to. 

The way Jenny came up with a plot against Blair on the spot just to avoid an expensive dinner, like wow.

“Don’t put your dirty package on the table, If i had a dime for everytime i heard that” Same Erick, same. 

Gotta love Blair and that hostess

Getting Blair to wait alone at Butler, that was brilliant Jenny, taking that dress.. not so much. She may be really smart and devious, but she still has a lot to learn.

Bart really was such a lousy dad, which in turns makes Chuck even more jaded and like to do worst, such a vicious cycle.

15000, for a custom made Valentino, auch Jenny.

Rufus is so naive here, but then again he doesn’t know Blair. Yet what she tells him about the struggle ain’t wrong. 

Wow she stole the same dress twice. I guess Little J no more. 

So Serena is annoyed by Chuck not only by his little pranks, but because he’s nice towards her mother and brother, that actually makes more sense in a way.

Also I love Lily’s line: “Chuck might be excentric but he’s not diabolical” it’s funny and also a bit telling of why Chuck actually likes her.

That was brilliant Blair, that Jenny cake is quite the thing. Also what the hell is she wearing.

Is ain’t wrong Rufus is kind of a hotty... for a dad. 

Even though she’s being talking about the same thing non stop, it’s funny to watch Dan complain about Serena talking to much, when he suffers from verbal diarrhea half the time, but who am I to judge

Blair really is in her bitch element here.

Jenny’s argument with her dad was so real, because both on them are right in some way. It ain’t easy. And once has to be either very mature or antisocial for it not to bother you.

I’ve said it before but I love Eric and his sense of humor, and he has some of the most underrated lines on this show, even deep and hard stuff is funny

It’s awful and yet I love that sweater with the dolphins Chuck’s wearing. I also would like to know why is so easy to feel bad for Chuck Bass.

Dan’s also super critical of his dad, and I’m like is there someone out there this guy doesn’t judge?

This is one of those times I wish I didn’t know what was coming, because I still remember how curious I was to see Jenny’s plan towards Nate.

Eric is quite loyal, being mad at Serena because she drove Bart to kick out Chuck.

Well played Jenny, well played, that last look she gaves Blair is sooo good, it’s the moment when Blair really realizes how worthy of an adversary Jenny is.

I love the ending of this episode, is one of my faves. It ends with an unlikely victory for Jenny, a tad of mistery, and a great song.

For real, I love “Sour Cherry” by The Kills.

When I think about my favorite episodes in S1 this one normally doesn’t came up, but I think it should. Is a really good one. Jenny’s the star of this episode and weirdly I don’t mind. I love her dynamic with Blair, especially in the first two seasons and this is the episode when it really takes off. This episode is also the start of the Van der Bass family which I also love for many reasons.

So Jenny and Blair, at the time of this episode this was one of Blair’s lowest points, she lost her Queen B title and not only that but she’s shunned out by everyone, even getting yoghurt dropped on her head, what a change. She says at the start of the episode that she’s in mourning of her old life, and while it was meant to be just a display of her dramatic personality, this is really the end of her old life, the Blair we met in the pilot had a completely different future ahead of her, pristine reputation, not as single crack in her pefect image, with a blue blooded boyfriend and a place at the top of the hierarchy, that Blair never came back entirely, and that’s good. Obviously it will take her the rest of the show to grow up and mature, but I like seeing her fight for what she wants in a way that lets her devious brain shine, and she got quite the adversary.

Jenny is in many ways the perfect rival for Blair. In theory Jenny shouldn’t be a formidable oponent in the way she is, she has no connections, no name, no money, and yet she plays the game almost better than anyone, she’s smart, ambitious an cunning, which are traits she shares with Blair. She’s also a hardworker and willing to do what it takes to get what she wants. This episode she shows how brilliant she because it was almost impossible to bounce back from getting caught with that dress she stole, and one can tell Blair thought that was a sound victory and she can’t quite believe when Jenny shows up with Nate and has claimed back her spot. It was great to see, and I some ways even I love Blair I find myself rooting for Jenny, she’s that good.

HonestlyJenny can give Blair a run for her money and yet I’m not sure she entirely realizes it, because Jenny is fighting against Blair’s shadow in her mind, she can win battles but I get the feeling she doesn’t believe she can win the war. In part because she still has a lot to learn, but in some ways I think Jenny feelsi at disadvantage againgst Blair in a similar way Blair feels toward Serena: a rival that is ahead on the race just by virtue of who she is, with envy and admiration in equal parts.To me their dynamic is interesting through the whole show because Blair even if the doesn’t want to admit it fears Jenny too, a new younger queen in the making, with the ability to knock her dow even it seems unlikely, it’s a tale as old as time, a bit like Queen Elizabeth the first and Mary Queen of Scots. And this is just the first episode of this battle,I really love this part of the show.

The other big plot this episode is the merging of the Van der Woodsen and the Basses which is great because we get to see more of these two broken families and learn more about them. Serena is obviously not happy about this,particularly the part about living with Chuck; at this point we know they were all friends before, but I got the impression out of the group they liked each other the less, with a poor opinion of each other. Their behavior throught the whole season reinforces that and honestly through the season Chuck has not given her even one small reason for her to like him, and I feel part of the reason Chuck was so eager to plot against Serena with Blair was because he got a first row sit to the mess she left when she run for boarding school, with a heartbroken Nate and a devasted Blair. And yet while Serena constantly sees the worst ih him, he’s actually trying for once, as hard to believe as that is for her.

If this episode made one thing obvious is how much Chuck always wanted to have a family, he’s genuine in his compliments to Lily as extravagant as they may seemed and he’s really good with Eric too, they took really quick to each other because they have felt inadequate at some point or another, he eventuanlly makes the effor with Serena too, as Eric explains to her when he gives her a message from him (which backfires, but no the point) and for all his bad qualities Chuck can be a very non-judgemental person when he wants it, this episode for instance Serena gets him kicked out of the penthouse and yet as soon as she apologizes and ask for his help he let’s it go. Because as we see his relationship with Bart is awful, his father always expects and believes the worst of him, and even when he’s nice it ends up being not genuine, and so for the first time via the Van der Woodsens he has the oportunity to get a family life that it’s more than that. 

At his core Chuck is a lonely person, which is part of the reason he latches so easily to Van der Woodsens here, sure he had Nate but that was it, and Nate as good hearted as he is not the most reliable person, it’s quite noticeable this episode, aside his new found relationship with the Van der Woodsens, since Nate has dropped their friendship he’s basically on his own in every scene this episode, even more son than Blair who was Serena, even if Serena is flighty and always gets caught up in something, and sure enought the episode ends up with the mistery of who is “G”, which was intriguing the first watch because imagine a person that gets even Chuck Bass like oh no! But that’s for next episode. 

Randoms bits I’ve noticed

The timing of this episode is sort of weird. Last episode seemed like it was the end of January or something like that, and now this one is  after spring break, and since thanks to gossip girl wikia, we know Jenny’s birthday is on March 30th, and Serena says to Blair about her “3 week old scandal” and I’m like, I mean it’s possible, but then the first to episodes after the holidays had to be like really way too long after the holidays, and that doesn’t makes much sense either.

We also got a new location for the school, I sort of like the other one better. 

When the girls throw yoghurt on Blair’s head, all the yoghurt cups are turne upside down. 

At the top of the piano there’s a picture of Chuck as a little kid (which is actually Ed), guess Bart wanted to a least gave the impression he care. I do love the fact the show asked the actors for photos of themselves when they were kids. The ones on top of the piano at the Waldorfs are pics of Leighton as a kid.

Feel like saying it againg, but  this was such a good ending:

[today-only-happens-once]

Hey Grae! It's been a while! How was your Christmas/New year? And do you have any tips on what I could do to feel less stressed and negative about myself?

Hey Blaze! It was nice.

As for advice… What has worked best for me has depended on what the source of the self-deprecation and stress is. 

Things that have helped me with self-negativity/deprecation:

Stop making self-deprecating jokes about yourself, if that’s something you’re inclined to do. It starts as a joke, but it messes with your head after a while, and then it becomes this vicious cycle. And if it’s become reflexive/habit, then start by not saying them out loud, and correcting yourself in your head. Eventually, you’ll be able to kick the habit.

One way I’ve tried to stop these thoughts in my head is actually DnD related, so it may not work for everyone. But instead of like: [makes mistake] “I’m an idiot” I’ve started re-framing it as: [makes mistake] “well that was a nat1 on the intelligence check there, Grae”. And I like that because it’s a way for me to laugh off the mistake, but the thing about DnD stats and rolls is that even extremely intelligent characters roll nat1 and fail a check. It just happens. And it doesn’t mean that character is stupid. It was just a one-time mistake kind of thing. 

Similarly, stop giving voice to the part of your brain that may want to disagree with compliments. It starts by not disagreeing outloud, and then that voice gets quieter and quieter. Eventually, you might even reach being able to accept them. (If that’s something you struggle with).

Something my therapist helped me figure out relates kind of to the whole point of the DwIT video: thoughts are just thoughts. I used to get really down on myself and self-critical about things in the past. It was a lot of “I should have done this” or “I should have said that”. But my therapist pointed out that we have some control over the thoughts we choose to follow down the rabbit hole. There’s no reason why “hey remember when your ex said something and you didn’t correct them?” should have any bigger impact on our psyche than “hey that billboard has a cool sandwich on it”. Be aware of the thought as it passes through your head, but you don’t have to give it any merit. That was eye-opening for me. 

This is getting long so more below a cut:

Give yourself a pep talk as if you are actually talking to your best friend. Write it down. Sometimes treating myself as someone outside of myself and writing down a little speech that was like “hey, your life sucks right now but YOU are freaking awesome” has helped me boost out of a funk, at least enough to go make dinner or something. 

Vent art can be great, but it can also be risky when you’re in that headspace. There have been times where I’ve used writing to help me cope with feelings I was struggling with, but sometimes… I realize my headspace is getting worse rather than better, and I need to step away. If that happens, please step away from it. Find something that might help you get out of your own head a little (i.e. “are there healthy distractions?” video)

At the end of the day, just be gentle with yourself. I say this a lot, but it’s because I know saying “be nice to yourself” or “compliment yourself” is not easy for everyone. So if nothing else, be gentle. Try to forgive yourself when you slip up. Be gentle.  

Dealing with Stress:

First, I think it can be helpful to know that sometimes, stress and self-deprecation are interrelated issues and finding coping strategies for one can help with the other

And the best ways to deal with stress vary by person and also by what the source of stress is (academic, family, personal, etc.) BUT here are some things that have helped me:

To do lists. I live and die by them now. I cannot function without them. Because if I write down what I need to do, I don’t have to worry about remembering to do something. It’s okay if I forget, because it’s on my list and I will be reminded. To do lists are life-savers. 

During my worst/darkest times, I made a list of literally everything I needed to do on a step-by-step process. Like: [tell students the agenda for the day] [collect their homework] [explain the next assignment] [pass it out] and I’d cover everything else up with a piece of paper so that I was only ever focused on the exact next step because that is literally all I could handle. It’s okay to do that. 

Prioritize your basic needs. There have been days where I’ve been like: “I should eat dinner” and the thought pops into my head of “do you really have time?” and I just shout in my head “YES because it is NECESSARY and I CANNOT SKIP IT”. Don’t let the thoughts that have you neglect your physical and mental health win out those inner-arguments.

Get help if you need it. If your stress is academic, talk to teachers (i.e. “hey, Mx. Y, I’m feeling super overwhelmed with all the assignments I’m missing and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Any chance you could help me figure it out?”). Talk to your friends and family if it’s personal/relationship-based stress. Talk to counselors (they are there to help you and trained how). Get help. Advocate for yourself. I didn’t learn how to really do that until my early twenties, and I wish I had been better at it when I was younger. 

This goes along with a point in the self-deprecating section, but… get out of your own head. On those do-to lists (if you use them)? Put fun things. “Watch the new episode of the Good Place” for example. If you feel like you don’t have time, make it a short thing: “send someone a nice message on tumblr”. Something like that. 

Trust that it gets better. It will, it will, it will, it will. 

[the-widening-room]

Flippantly Dismissive.

*Trigger Warning* This post/piece contains references to Suicidal Thoughts, Depression/Anxiety Symptoms. If you do not feel comfortable with these subjects, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST. 

If you or someone you know/care about are feeling suicidal thoughts & want someone to talk to, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is  1-800-273-8255. The official website is suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I wrote this in the middle of a spiral the other day while in the process of switching medications. I truly did not intend on ever letting this be seen by any other set of eyes except my own. For reasons I cannot adequately express, I felt it needed to be put out there so that... someone who may be feeling similar, or has recently learned that one of their loved ones suffers from similar mental health issues and wants to get a better understanding of what’s happening, can feel like they are not alone. I know I certainly feel like this is only my way of spiraling, but that’s just statistically impossible. 

So, here is me, unedited (minus the redacted parts for privacy reasons), and with far too many run-ons. 

With love, T.W.R.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

I keep wanting to create, but then I’m hit with either overwhelming exhaustion, depression so intense I started making an actual fucking plan on how to end it (part of me still is), or, worst of all, writer’s block so powerful it’s as if I’ve completely forgotten how to even write letters in that moment. After being let go from [redacted], once it finally hit me, I lost any real sense of purpose. Brooke at [redacted] was kind enough to give me part time work doing their landscaping, and I return the favor by being in legitimately crippling back/leg pains, or so depressed I can barely move away from the bed/couch, except to unsuccessfully take a shit or limp downstairs for a glass of water.

I know mental health is a critically important thing, and issues with it (depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.) should be taken with extreme seriousness and care from those around the individual struggling. I’ll be the first to tell someone in the middle of a crisis, episode, whatever, they need to step back and address it before anything else. I believe mental health days, weeks, months are crucial to helping with these moments. They are legitimate reasons to miss work, school, family gatherings, etc. Help from professionals is crucial as well as any medication that works.

Knowing all of this, however, does not ever keep me from excluding myself from the same standards. Even when I know I’m in the middle of an episode, I repeatedly find myself shutting people out, making up reasons for not working instead of being honest, and then convincing myself the whole time that I’m “making it up” while actively feeling everything about it. That, consequently, is all I feel. All of which continually compounds everything into even more anxiety, and the vicious cycle continues. Even my medicine just makes it to where I still feel, but I can’t express it effectively. The other day, while actively feeling deep sadness over a true crime victim’s story (something I’d normally be inconsolably crying over), I just blankly stared. Outward expression all but gone. So, I just stay at home because it’s the only constant anymore.

I truly don’t know what to do anymore. My best days are good. But they’re so few and far between these days, I end up just waiting to return to the normalcy of depressed Nihilism. So sad that I want to end it all, genuinely, because of the “epiphany” that, ultimately, none of “it” matters (how wonderfully original I know). The only things that keep me from this are my mom and maybe two friends. Terrible, I know. Flippantly dismissive of others you could say, and you wouldn’t be wrong. When wholeheartedly you find it nearly impossible to believe anyone gives a shit about you, however nonsensical that assessment may be, it becomes more difficult to justify sticking around.

I wanted to write poetry today, or something creative at least. But I had the moment of clarity that this might at least relieve some of the unstoppable anxiety. I don’t know how any of this is gonna end. I don’t even know how I want it to end.

[putschki1969]

A reply

vyselegendaire I don't know why there is bad blood between CPM and Putschki.  Each forum has its plus and minus.  CPM forums have had trolls, but since its a forum I feel people have a chance to be a bit more expressive of their opinions, and thus there is negativity, but frankly its mostly in the forum of  humor and farce.  There are almost no dedicated haters on the site who don't wish to see more great music from our favorite artists.

vyselegendaire Additionally, amidst all of the complaints of negativity and dreariness, lest we forget the scourge of censorship - which is on the rise across the internet - before we cast shade on those we disagree with as being bad.  Censorship and content removal is the tool of tyrants since time immemorial and don't think you are immune, ask

vyselegendaire Just ask Solzhenitsyn

Hi there!

I thought it best to make a proper reply post because I have a few things to say in response to your comments. These comments were made on THIS post here where I am talking about online fandoms in general....It took me a while to get back to you, sorry about that.

All right everyone, strap in for a LONG (and slightly petty) reply...

It feels like in all my previous replies I have been talking to a wall…I have said it before and I am gonna say it one more time, there is no war between myself and CPM, there is no ancient feud and I wouldn’t even say there is any “bad blood” between us. I haven’t really engaged with any particular member enough for there to be “bad blood“. My main issue with CPM is that I do not enjoy the toxic atmosphere over there. Why would I willingly subject myself to all that negativity? I might be the only one out there that feels this way but I wanna ENJOY my fandom. All the nitpicking, bickering, gossiping, bullying and bashing, it’s utterly exhausting and it sucks the life right out of me. I don’t wanna waste my time engaging in polemic discourse and childish quarrels day in day out. I mean, even responding to all those recent asks/messages has been utterly exhausting because I feel like I have been put on trial for simply wanting to be a decent human being.

CPM has had a few trolls....? No kidding....Please don’t get me started on the trolls.... I haven’t even been active on CPM but I still had to deal with them. Why you ask? Because we have had at least two people from CPM terrorise the tumblr fandom in the past….those trolls actually made the effort to come here and cause turmoil just for the fun of it…that’s how fucked up they are...As you can imagine, I wasn’t impressed…

Unlike you, I just don’t see the merits of posting on CPM. Yes, I have been in some lovely forums in the past and they certainly do offer a few advantages but when it comes to CPM, the negative aspects far outweigh the positive ones. Yes, a forum is better suited to interact with people but then again, I have plenty of ways to interact with fellow fans here as well. And if we are being honest, I am not the type of fan that actively seeks out interaction, especially not with people who suffer from a serious case of entitlement. You could call it a pet-peeve of mine but I really can’t stand it when fans act all entitled as if they were owed something. And you know what’s the worst thing about it? The most annoying entitled haters on CPM are usually people who are not invested in the fandom at all! Yes, they are very much invested when it comes to hating on and complaining about stuff but aside from that I don’t see them do anything else “productive”. They just sit back and let other people do the work. They don’t bother to seek out new information, they wait for someone else to do it.... Most also don’t bother to learn Japanese in order to get a better understanding, they wait for someone else to make all the translations or they just pretend to know everything and come to absurd conclusions which usually results in heaps of misunderstandings... Often they refuse to buy releases, they would much rather wait for downloads in order to then declare they are happy they didn’t spend a fortune on that since it’s trash anyways...They also typically don’t attend any lives but they are more than happy to complain from the distance... It baffles me how people like that have the nerve to act so entitled even though they don’t show an ounce of support.

There is another reason I do not wish to interact with a majority of the people on CPM. Many of them find pleasure in ridiculing me. I know everyone over there is making fun of me for being a “pussy”, for playing “Kalafina-police”, for apparently seeing everything through “rose-tinted glasses”. It seems like in their eyes nothing I write can be taken seriously because I am neither “honest” nor “objective”. I guess in this day and age you have to be a disrespectful asshole for people to consider you “honest/objective” and for someone to actually pay attention to you... But really, that’s just not who I am. I have zero tolerance when it comes to any sort of bashing of the people I adore and respect under the guise of so called “constructive criticism” and I do not wish to interact with anyone who thinks that’s okay. And before anyone misinterprets what I am saying, no, I am not implying that Kalafina are above criticism or that every kind of criticism is bad, that’s not the case at all...but as I have pointed out numerous times, it’s all about HOW you criticise...

As for your point about being able to be more expressive in a forum, that is completely untrue. Nothing is stopping me from being as expressive as I want to be on this site. Free expression does not equate negativity, if you think the opportunity to express yourself is somehow a free pass for being an asshole then you are wrong.

“There are almost no dedicated haters on the site who don't wish to see more great music from our favorite artists” Uhmm...and that somehow absolves them of all their wrong-doings? NO! This statement makes me really angry because it embodies the fucked-up mindset of so many haters in fandom. At one point in the past I used to like it so that gives me the right to bash on everything now and I refuse to find something else because I know for sure that one day they will create the exact thing that I want. THIS is how these people think...And it leads me right back to the point I made about entitlement. Throughout many years these fans have created an unattainable image in their mind. Everything that’s not in line with that idea is automatically written off as trash... Fact is it is very unlikely they will ever get what they want. So consumed with bitterness and hatred it’s almost impossible for these people to see greatness in anything. It’s a vicious cycle and the only way to escape is to move on to another fandom.

Your second comment is a tad over-dramatic wouldn’t you agree? It also sounds like a low-key threat and I really don’t appreciate that. I am very much aware that I am not immune to censorship but I am not sure what your point is. Are you trying to tell me that my only chance to avoid cencorship is to relocate to CPM? No thanks. I would rather find another platform or get my own website. Also, I have invested way too much into this tumblr blog, it’s not something I can simply give up and move on. I know many tumblr users have relocated to other platforms as a sort of protest but I will definitely not do that. If things become worse I will have to think of something but as of right now, I can live with the situation on tumblr. Let’s see what the future holds...

I guess instead of replying to questions about CPM you want me to write essays about censorship on tumblr which is - according to you - the very scourge of humanity? Sorry, I am not the type to use my blog for political statements. Yeah, I will admit, things have been a bit troublesome on tumblr but it’s certainly not as bad as some people make it out to be... I don’t necessarily agree with the methods they are using but they are par for the course...And I definitely wouldn’t compare the regulations that are implemented on this website (however sloppy they may be) to actual censorship that has happened and is still happening to people in the “real world”.

Okay, I think that’s it for me...

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 7x16 Storyteller

aka the lies we tell ourselves

We did it, guys! We made it to the last season! Also, hello if you’re new, and stumbled upon this without context. As usual, these impromptu text posts are the product of my fevered mind as I rant about the episode I just watched for an hour (okay, sometimes perhaps two). Anything goes!

And in today’s episode, it’s Andrew time. So I guess we’ll need to talk about him, huh?

I’ll just get this out of the way right away: I’m not big on Andrew. I know that he’s well-loved by a lot of folks, and also, that I’m not alone in having a bit more resistance towards him… (So, he’s basically like each and every Buffyverse character ever? Except Warren – we all hate Warren.) And I get it. Both of those sides, I guess.

It’s not that I hate Andrew though. It’s just that there’s a reason why he was part of the Trio, and while I think there’s a lot of interesting narrative fuel there, I have a hard time forming a deeper connection to those characters. Including Jonathan.

But much like Superstar was an interesting, highly enjoyable Jonathan-focused episode despite any future misgiving I might’ve had of the character, Storyteller does the same for Andrew. There’s a lot to like here, and we build on Andrew’s character massively.

Andrew, in this episode in particular, is presented as an audience surrogate - one of his character’s biggest appeal imo. He understands and appreciates that he’s in a story, surrounded by all these larger than life characters. Buffy is the hero. Xander is the unappreciated sidekick that Andrew stans, and has a crush on. Dawn is a cutie with a weird backstory. Willow and Anya have these rich, ambiguous, dark patches in their past. Spike has… abs, I guess?

The way Andrew integrates himself into these stories is where things get interesting though.

He mostly sees himself as an outsider, a storyteller, and therefore detached from the actual canon world of the show. And when he does integrate himself, it’s just another story, another character. And as Andrew tells the tale of this person, who looks like him, and sounds like him, the story changes with the narrative.

You see, Andrew didn’t want to kill Jonathan. That’s not what happened. It was an accident! He was possessed! It was what the story wanted him to do! He had no agency whatsoever.

Which… is pretty meta. But in the world of the show, it’s Andrew lying to himself about what he’s done and why. About who he is.

So, maybe it’s part of the gay subtext, too? Except... is it subtext? Is it, really?

Is Andrew relentlessly gay-coded, or is he just gay on the show? How is that a taboo, when we already have main queer characters in the cast? Are they not textually acknowledging it because it’s so clearly the case, or are they playing coy for shits and giggles? Is it supposed to be funny?

It’s all a bit murky with the intent. But I do think that there’s a more favorable perspective here somewhere. The scene where Andrew is re-playing Xander and Anya’s exchange is a bit weird and obtrusive, but there’s no actual joke here about how Andrew’s clearly using it to fantasize about Xander. It is weird and obtrusive because he recorded them having this intimate conversation, yes (which, again, is more meta than anything else…), but not because he has a crush on Xander.

So, that’s something.

Staying on topic here, did we seriously break up Willow and Kennedy for 1 whole minute of overall runtime? Are the writers intentionally making Kennedy’s character to be as thin as tissue paper? After the end of the previous episode, were they immediately like ‘oh, shit, now we have to build her character to explore this and get them back together, quick, let’s have them make up offscreen at the beginning of the next one’.

And I guess I kinda appreciate the background storytelling element of it all. To just have them reunite as one of those side stories we don’t see, because we’re so locked to Andrew’s perspective. Kinda? Maybe?

Mostly though, it’s just cheap and lazy.

Seriously, I don’t even care about Kennedy, truth be told. Or this relationship. I’m okay with it because I like Willow and I want her to have nice things, and not be miserable. And I guess the writers are aware of this, but still. They’re not even trying at this point.

This is also the episode where Xander and Anya don’t get back together. But they do have sex. Now, this is a relationship where I am actually invested in both characters – just not necessarily in them, as an item. It’s all… *shrug emoji* The whole having sex to get over each other is a nice callback to how their relationship started out in the first place though.

Speaking of callbacks, the high school going all Hellmouth-y had some nice moments of that too. Like Buffy stopping a shy girl from going invisible. The scene with the nervous guy apparently actually exploding into bits and pieces was a bit extreme for the comedic tone of it all, but that only made it even more of a S1 homage.

And then there’s the scene with Andrew and Buffy over the Hellmouth seal.

There are things about Storyteller we could dissect, and I could sit here talking about my own ambiguous feelings on Andrew all day, but this scene? This scene is one of the best of the season and no, I’m not taking any constructive criticism.

It’s a great character building moment for Andrew, but we’re also adding to Buffy’s character too.

The episode earlier already lampshaded the Season 7 Buffy Speeches counter that I talked about earlier, but here, Buffy also acknowledges it.

ANDREW:  “You said we could all get through this.” BUFFY:  “I made it up. I’m making it all up. What kind of hero does that make me?” ANDREW:  “No, you’re doing great. Really. Kudos.” BUFFY:  “Yeah? Well, I don’t like having to give a bunch of speeches about how we’re all gonna live, because we won’t. This isn’t some story where good triumphs because good triumphs. Good people are going to die! Girls. Maybe me. Probably you. Probably right now.”

And I said at the beginning of this post, that I’m not big on Andrew, but the truth is? This episode gets to me. This scene gets to me. And every time I watch it, I like Andrew a whole lot better.

…That is until I rewatch season 6 again, and he plummets back into his starting point. It’s a vicious cycle.

But maybe I’m looking at it in the wrong way. This isn’t a cycle after all. This is part of the show’s themes about change and hope, and giving people the chance to grow.

It is, after all, Andrew’s tears that close the Hellmouth. His tears of regret. He admits to and acknowledges what he’s done, and it breaks the cycle of evil for the time being. It doesn’t change what happened, but it does change him. By taking responsibility, he takes charge of his own life instead of playing a character in a story.

Andrew may have stopped following the First’s instruction a while ago, but by not taking action, by being a spectator, he was still an agent of the First. No wonder then, that him breaking out of that state weakens the First as well.

Huh. Maybe I’m just underestimating my own attachment to Andrew after all.

We can all do better if we’re allowed to change. But we also need to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge our missteps in order to do that. Otherwise, we really are just in a vicious cycle, doomed to repeat our worst mistakes.

So... be more like Andrew, and break that cycle, I guess?

[kiss-my-asymptote]

Hello! Mind If I Yell About Misogyny In Martial Arts Tournaments?

 It might not be apparent the second you enter the hall of the tourney, but spend enough time, and the blatant misogyny of martial arts will become incredibly obvious. I would like to start this by saying, that these are all my own personal experiences at tournaments run by the group of schools I trained with, and as such, some of these details may be specific to the closed-entrance tournaments I competed in, but that doesn’t make my points any less valid.

There are three main types of Misogyny that I’ve noticed that are prevalent throughout all the events I’ve competed in or attended: Dismissing, Underestimating, and my least favorite Well-Meaning (or as I have taken to call it, ‘The Girl Power Effect’). Now in the tourneys that my Martial Arts school competed in there were four main events, that were separated by age and then by rank. The events include Forms, Original Routines, Weapon Forms, and Sparring. For the purpose of dramatic tension, I have listed and will be talking about these events in the order of how much I love them, and also how angry they make me. (I have a very complex relationship with tourneys, can you tell?)

Forms, at least in the tournaments I ran in were pretty much uniform. These were regulated routines that everyone is already familiar with before they’re performed. Forms are reenacted fights in which Martial Artists strike the air, battling imaginary opponents in hypothetical fights (yeah, that sounds kinda dorky, but it’s actually really entrancing to watch the competitors move). Based on the fighting style of the form, the movements are either rigid and robust or flowing and graceful, almost as if they’re dancing. Well-Meaning Misogyny isn’t usually found here, aside from the occasional ‘you go, girl’, but Dismissal and Underestimation go hand in hand during this event. If a woman chooses a form that’s flowing, people will assume it’s because she’s a girl and just wanted to flutter about the stage. If they choose a more brute form, they’re compensating or downplaying their femininity. and because everyone is familiar with these forms, they already know which type the competitor chose before she even starts, and they’ve already written her off as fluttery or compensating. There was one time, I remember watching a girl announce that she’d be performing a routine called ‘Statue of the Crane’, a form that uses leverage moves, and requires a lot of balance. From beside me I hear a guy scoff and go “Oh, so not even a Kata, huh? Why bother watching?”  First off, what an asshole, second off, The form is more complex than a Kata, you fucking idiot.

Original Routines are very similar to forms, except they’re set to music, and as the titles imply, these are brand new routines, not just standard sets that everyone knows. There’s a chance to be creative, but thanks to all the biases, the wonderful routines that these girls come up with are often overlooked. Dismissal comes in the form of what type of music women choose to use. If women chose a more ‘femenine’ song choice (Pop music) you can hear people groan and already decide that the form is not to be taken seriously, however if a woman chooses a more masculine song (Rock or Heavy Metal) she is '’trying too hard’ or again ‘downplaying her femininity’. Guys... It’s not that deep. They just chose a song that fit the energy of their form. Or they just like the song. The style of the form also plays into this, with rigid moves playing into the ‘tryhard’ category, and the flowing moves playing into the ‘femme’ category. often times, when women’s moves are more flowing and dance like Judges, will tell them they need to put more power behind their moves. This is bullshit. flowing strikes common in fighting styles like Shaolin actually strike with more power than rigid attacks because you’re striking with your whole body, using your core, and your momentum to drive more power into your deliveries. The Judges are Black Belts. They know this, and yet they still give the women shit for their dance-like fighting styles. Now, we must talk about ‘The Girl Power Effect’ this is the first, but not the last time I’ll bring this up. Oftentimes, when a girl makes it past all the bias landmines up to the point where Judges give feedback, someone will push them onto this one. They’ll get the comment “Did you come up with this routine by yourself?” As if the Judges and onlookers can’t possibly comprehend that a woman could choreograph such an impressive performance. The only men I’ve ever witnessed receiving this comment on their forms have been, at most, ten years old. They ask women “Did you come up with this routine yourself?” With the same frequency and tone as they do ten-year-old boys. And they mean it as a compliment in both contexts. 

Weapon Forms are also similar to regular forms. The only difference being the weapon, obviously. The big issue here is that of typically feminine weapons. If a girl shows up to a competition with Fan Blades or a Parasol, she might as well not even perform, because there’s no way she’s placing higher than third. Judges will see women show up with these weapons and actually roll their eyes. How rude is that? You see, these weapons are perceived as impractical and ornate, not meant for actual combat, and still, women looking to learn weapon forms are often pushed towards and encouraged to learn forms involving these weapons, leading to Fans and Parasols often being used by women in competition. It’s a whole vicious cycle. I still refuse to pick up either weapon because the guy who wants me to learn them won’t give me a better reason than ‘i’ll probably like them’. Picking up on all that Dismissal, yet? It’s also a shame because every single form I’ve seen that uses Fans is just inherently cool as fuck. Another Prevalent issue, this one involving that pesky ‘Girl Power’ again, is something I call ‘The Pink Piece’. Women in martial arts are often encouraged to pick up and study more traditionally masculine weapons by making them pink in color. Now I’m sure you’ll agree that sounds like an incredibly ridiculous tactic, but the issue is, it works! especially with young girls. this is an issue for a few reasons. First, it sends the message “This Katana, as opposed to all the others, is for girls. You can tell because it’s pink.” But also, if a girl walks up to a judge’s stand with a hot pink weapon, she’s immediately perceived as unprofessional and childish. Anyways, this is all a longwinded way to say women are specifically steered towards feminine looking weapons and then criticized for using them.

Now, for Sparring. My favorite event, but also, one of the most problematic. This is where ‘Girl Power’ really shines. I’m not sure if this is true of all tourneys, but certainly, in the ones I competed in, this event was not only separated by age and rank, but also by gender. They don’t explain why this event, in particular, is separated by gender, but it can be assumed that it’s because they believe pitting a man against a woman would result in an unbalanced match. I can personally attest; this is false. Dismissal isn’t really a big issue here, (although I suppose you could count the fact they’re separated from men as dismissal) but it’s still there, especially when a girl wears sparring gear that’s, for instance, again, pink. This is, however, where Well Meaning Misogyny really shines. during matches, women are often encouraged to ‘have fun out there, ladies’ which seems harmless enough until you remember that these girls aren’t about to go on a date, they’re gearing up to fight each other. Not once have I heard a judge say ‘alright gentlemen, have fun out there and don’t worry about winning’ except when said gentlemen are, you know, ten or younger. 

There was one sparring judge that I had that I actually, actually hated. The worst part was, she was a woman, too. I didn’t notice her doing that at first because i was too busy watching the opponents in the ring for tells and go-to moves that I could exploit and counter, because, you know, I was there to win, not to ‘have fun’ but once I got into the ring with the girl I had deemed the toughest to beat, I finally noticed what this lady was doing. every time we were called to break up by this woman, she’d say something like ‘great job, girls!’ or ‘good energy!’ something along those lines. I was getting more and more frustrated by this because I just wanted to get on with the match. It was only after match-point and she paused everything to encourage the audience and the other competitors to clap for ‘the girls’ did I realize how demeaning and patronizing the whole thing felt. I’m sure this woman had had purely good intentions, but locking eyes with the other girl across the ring, I could tell she felt the same way I did. There we were, two high-ranking athletes being praised for something we already knew we were good at. Drawing attention to the fact that we were female martial artists who were good at fighting only made it seem like we were the exception to the rule and not the status quo. I felt like a dog being praised for pissing in the yard, and guys, it didn’t feel good.

Martial Arts has the power to give confidence and security to women who practice it, but it’s also latent with heavy and prevalent misogyny. This isn’t something inherent of the sport itself, but from those who practice it. Yes, partly because the East Asian countries that most of these fighting styles originate from come from cultures where women are seen as even more inferior to men as they are in the united states, but also because those men who choose to practice this sport often times- not to perpetuate stereotypes in a rant about blatant stereotyping, but- are those who don’t truly consider women as their equals. So, what can we do about women being treated like ten-year-olds and dogs? sadly not very much. The problem with vicious cycles is that there isn’t really a clear beginning or end. At the end of the day, all we can really do is attempt to acknowledge women’s presence in the martial arts without making it seem like something rare or novel, while also encouraging men to embrace the more feminine side to martial arts. Boys! Learn a fuckin’ neat Fan Blade form! Pick up a Hot Pink Katana! Help prove that these weapons are rad as hell, while also giving a big ol’ middle finger to toxic masculinity! In the end, the only thing keeping the Martial  Arts from being a completely gender-neutral sport is our own social biases.