#and it is So Fucking Strange to think about the kind of person ive become

[pinkseas]

this is just silly little introspection dont mind me

[hecksupremechips]

It’s still hurting

My belly should stop hurting I’m literally so cute why is this happening 🥺

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

Hello i hope dat you are doing well 🫂💕.

Can i resquest the task force 141 + alejandro

With a fem reader who is very soft and kind and never got mad infront of them. but one day they got pissed at someone so they started to yell and curse and argue and her s/o is like dayum ive never seen her dat mad before 😳 actually kinda hot tho

I'm doing okay going through midterms!

Yess i love this trope. It kind of got a little suggestive in this but it's nothing explicit. I used SpanishDict for translations so it's most likely wrong so just message me to fix it

The 141 + Alejandro with a soft reader who gets mad

Price

Price is a rough, rugged man

Years of military and hard missions have made him someone who's not exactly the most soft or delicate person in the world.

So he's always a little surprised when someone so soft and kind like you has fallen in love with a man like him

Even on your bad days, even on the days where you both are just not agreeing with each other, you're always kind to him and he's never seen you mad before

Your softness balances him out and he helps you when you need his roughness to take over and deal with something

So they day that you snap takes him off-guard and awakens something in him

It was one of those days where he was dealing with the "politics" side of the job, something he particularly hates because of the nuance it takes

Someone was making rude comments toward Laswell and Price, pointing out the flaws in there work and the mistakes they've made, mostly putting the blame on Price

It had been happening all day and it was getting on his nerves

And apparently yours too

The moment that the meetings were over and everyone was going to your cars, the person just happened to make a comment that sent you over the edge

"Will you shut the fuck up?" You yelled. "How about you get off your lazy ass and actually do the job yourself if you have such an issue with the way we do it!"

Price watched you rip them apart, cursing them in everyway with wide eyes, completely stunned by this reaction and...strangely turned on

You had confidence, you were in complete control of the conversation and you looks so hot with a glare on your face

You were also defending him. It's not like he needed you to do it, but he definitely appreciated feeling taken care of

Sometimes he just wants to be taken care of

It took him a lot of willpower for him to stop you because he just enjoyed watching tear them apart

When he finally pulled you away and got you into the car, he already had a hand on your thigh

"Let's blow off some steam before we go back, yeah?"

Ghost

Oh Ghost, he has so many issues

His life hasn't exactly been an easy one by a long shot and it's definitely messed up his perception of himself and the world around him

It's hard for him to think of himself as something good for the world

So he never goes a day in his life without being grateful for you, he loves you so much he is devoted to you

Bad days, good days, any day

Even after being with you for so long, he's still sometimes caught off guard by your soft touches, you kindness and the way you kiss him like he is good

You bring him back to reality and he appreciates your softness because it remind him that he's safe and that the world doesn't have to be that bad

However, watching you become angry for the first time definitely had him thinking some...thoughts

There were some rookies who were gossiping about Ghost

It was nothing new, he was used to them saying strange things or speculating what's under his mask or why he's so scary.

He honestly finds it amusing because they'll learn not to ask questions soon enough

Except one of them got pretty bold and set something off in you

Ghost was talking to you and every time he did he usually let his guard down which was usually a good thing

Neither of you noticed the rookie creeping up behind Ghost until he reached up to grab Ghost's mask

"Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are?" You screamed and caught both of them off guard. "Get away from him!"

Ghost watched as you rushed up to the rookie, still confused and very stunned by your reaction

Your ran the rookie through, cursing him and punishing him in the worst way you could as you berated him for trying to take Ghost's mask

Ghost was very lucky he had his mask on because the blush across his face was so red he was sure he looked like a tomato

You had bite to you, something he didn't know and as much as he liked your softness, this new side showed just how capable you were

He also may have liked to know you had his back when he wasn't paying attention

Eventually he pulled you away from the rookie but pulled you a way into his room with the intent to see more of this side of you

"Don't get shy on me, show me just how angry you are, yeah?"

Soap

Soap may seem like he’s all happy go lucky but that comes with a price

He generally pushes things down and lets them fester inside him, and when those things boil over he’s hard on himself

He’s not exactly kind to himself but he hides it underneath the jokes and the cocky smiles

You see through him though and you give him enough courage to be a lot nicer to himself, especially with how kind you are to him

He also gets to be authentically himself around you which is a a pretty toned down version of he is on the field which is freeing for him

When you got angry around him for the first time, he was speechless but in the best way possible

Soap is pretty used to not being taken seriously or being the end of some unkind jokes about his intelligence

It took him a while to get to the point where they don't bother him but he's figured out how to just ignore the person who makes them

You however, can never get to that point and though you had never showed any outwards anger for them, today had been the finally straw for you

Was it because you were having a bad day and everything was just piling up on each other? Maybe.

Was it because you hadn't seen Soap all day because you both were too busy to spend time with each other? Absolutely.

To your credit, you had tried your hardest to ignore the jokes as you went through the day, waiting for the moment when you finally got to see Soap again and just fall into his arms

But after a particularly bad comment about Soap, you snapped

"Listen here dumbfuck, maybe if you got your head out of your ass you'd see Soap is a lot more than that." You snapped and couldn't help the string of insults and curses that flew out of your mouth

After you were finished chewing out the person, shame washed over you and you were happy that Soap wasn't there to see that until he wrapped his arms around you from behind

To say that Soap was turned on would be an understatement

He had just walked into the room to see and hear you defend him and compliment him with a kind of fire he had never seen from you but want to see more of, especially in the privacy of his room

"Keep going bonnie, please."

Gaz

Gaz is actually quite serious and most likely ends up pouring all himself into his work more often than not

He wants to prove himself even though he doesn’t have to because he likes his job

He doesn’t understand that he’s already proven himself since he’s in the task force so it’s a battle to keep him from overworking himself

For everyone else it’s a losing battle but for you, you nearly always win

You've managed to wiggle yourself into the cracks of his otherwise admirable ambition and give him a taste of those soft moments that make him slow down

He doesn't realize how hard he's been working himself until you do and he's extremely grateful that you take the time to make him just breathe and enjoy life

He's never seen you angry before and the moment he sees you snap, he's thinking about how nice you've been to him in some intimate moments and how he might not want that right now

He had been pouring himself into his work again and this time he had been going so hard he injured himself

But instead of being responsible like Price had told him to be, he felt shame for not being able to handle the pain so he decided to keep going

You tried your hardest to keep him from working but he was determined to do it and this was one of the rare times that you lost the battle

It wasn't until he nearly got himself killed that you had enough

"God dammit! Are you trying to get yourself killed?" You snapped at him as slammed the door to his room.

You continued to chew him out about his behavior and he watched you with wide eyes. You were right of course, but now he just wanted to play hard to get you to show more of this side of you

"What're you going to do about it, love?"

(brat Gaz anyone?)

Alejandro

Alejandro is a man who loves deeply and feels very deeply

Often when he feels too much he puts into his work or he just pushes it away because the time doesn't call for it

He's so used to it that sometimes he just explodes when it becomes too much

When you can, you encourage him to feel everything and you're always there to let him know that it's okay

He really appreciates it and he loves you so much because how could he not. He feels the best he has for a long time since you both became partners

However, he does worry that you do the same since you're so sweet and he's never seen you angry before so he's always trying to make sure you know that you can feel too

(You do it's just you don't get mad)

That is until one day something just snapped in you and he saw another side of you that made him hungry for you

You both were not having a good day and it only kept getting worse

It was one thing on top of another and even Rudy couldn't keep things under control so it was chaos

You could see that Alejandro was close to snapping but you also were which made it hard for you to suggest you both take a breather

Unfortunately for you, someone decided to just do one more thing that set you both off

Alejandro began to yell but you quickly overpowered him and just let loose

"How can you possibly fuck up this bad?" You were beyond frustrated and though the vaquero didn't deserve it you were just so angry.

Alejandro practically watched you with heart eyes, slowly feeling himself get excited as he thought about you using him to let all that go

When the vaquero ran away from your wrath, he immediately swooped in and leaned in your ear

"Vamos a mi oficina, mi vida." ("Let's go to my office.")

[bloodsadx]

even the years that i retroactively have viewed as the most useless of my life have paid off. ive met and befriended many of my heroes from when i was down bad and doing nothing. however in spite of this any time im down im still like. well. i guess im going to jump into the fargo life size human mulcher and deboner (in order to become less full of blood). anyway every time im in an uber with my buddy anne she says the word transexual minimum like 6 times no matter what the vibe of the driver is and last night the uber driver told us to try the following pick up lines (which he called “jaw droppers”): when a girl asks your favorite food, say that “[you] don’t care about stuff like that, [you] want to get to know the flavor of [her] taste buds.” he insisted she’s never heard some shit like this before, so she’ll either like it and you’ll start making out, or if she’s “a more polite woman” she will be like ok ok, and at that point you say “i’m not trying to nourish your body, i’m trying to enrich your soul.” he said that you say that, this being the “jaw dropper,” and then you “can shove your tongue down her throat.” well me and my buddy anne were losing our minds in this uber. and then she started saying the word transsexual to refer to her previous partners and the guy became strictly quiet. well anyway. the moral of the post is, if you walk around a lot, you notice more stuff. i’ve been walking about 10-15 miles a day for the past few weeks and something i’ve been noticing a lot is one specific sticker around portland which ive seen i think sincerely about 300 different places in the past week. and i’ve been walking some really not well trodden, very annoying routes, and this guy has been putting stickers up in some really strange and not even particularly visible spots. and the thing is, i kind of don’t even like this guy’s sticker, but i do really like seeing it, so i really respect that guy. and last night i made direct eye contact with a guy as he put down a slice of pizza and took out a paint marker to write on a trash can. me personally if i made direct eye contact with someone as i was about to write on a trash can i would probably not do that.

i’ve been making draft posts like this when i get home from a long walk and then not posting them nearly explicitly because i don’t want a bunch of people to read them. sometimes i let one fly and it does get like a hundred notes and i just get pissed off. a few months ago i got so mad about something i kept hitting the ground with sticks as hard as possible and trying to suplex trees and victorian house porch support beams at my friends houses. not to test my strength but rather to feel completely indignantly impotent and to feel myself fail against the weight of the world. i got into a bad car crash and have been disallowed by the weight of the world from driving endlessly and aimlessly through the country and instead have endlessly and aimlessly wandered by foot through a place i have lived in for 3 years but only recently have come to feel like i have any knowledge of. so its hard to say which years are more useless. the years where i was doing stuff people gave a fuck about or the years where i was doing stuff that hurt my legs and feet and i saw more stuff? well at the end of the day i suppose nobody can say for sure…after all, on the internet, nobody knows i’m a seaman.

[inhonoredglory]

i dont know if you partake in any of the doctor who comics at all - i certainly dont. i like keeping my sanity safe (its a mess of strange stories and paradoxes from what ive been able to tell. as are most comic series). but recently there was one that elaborated a bit on rose and the metacrisis’s life post journeys end, and its one of the few pieces of media we have for them. i didnt care enough to read the whole thing, the only interesting part to me was apparently they had a little girl named mia, and ive been thinking abt that dynamic nonstop since. cant decide how realistic it is for them, but on the otherside augh its so sweet. anyway, i just wanted to ask how you feel about rose and the metacrisis in general, and whatever that entails. curious abt ur thoughts on them!

- armin anon/lesbian anon/whatever you feel like calling me lol

OMGG my anon (of many names lol)! OK first off, I drafted some of this way back but forgot to add on and post, so in the words of our beloved Doctor,

🌹 But onto the DW comics and Meta-Crisis/Rose!!

I only recently started reading the comics, starting with the ones about Gabby Gonzalez by Nick Abadzis, and I have to admit:

They make me yearn pretty fucking hard to run away and travel with the Doctor. There's some killer art by Elena Casagrande that feels so much like the Doctor we know and love (that kindness, that earnest love.... god!! my heart and soul!!).

But I warn ye (any readers of this post), DO NOT TOUCH Volume 2 by Robbie Morrison. He takes Ten blatantly out of character, making him out to be an arrogant bastard who belittles his companion and is flippant in the face of suffering. (Morrison watched too much Eleven, methinks 🙈)

I haven't read the Rose/Meta-Crisis comic yet (part of the Empire of the Wolf series), but I did see the important panel from that series, showing Rose's daughter Mia:

I think the Meta-Crisis settling down to have a family with Rose is pretty in-character and very much what the Tenth Doctor would have wanted, as much as it hurt him.

Because Ten fundamentally felt unworthy of Rose.

💔 The Doctor's Trauma

Rose was strong and compassionate and amazing, and Ten had done so much, seen so much, experienced so much tragedy and guilt. He's a man wrecked by PTSD, depression, shame, and self-blame. He felt like it wasn't fair to her that she'd sacrifice her life to someone who would go on living and changing and becoming a different person, while she grew old and died in a world without a home and away from everyone she knew.

He didn't want her to become like him, homeless and without the love of friends and family, because to be him is to be alone. And he didn't want that for her. Because he wanted her to be happy, not just momentarily, but for the rest of her life.

Ten is a man who loathes taking life, and it weighs on him every time someone sacrifices who they are because they love him.

It's no surprise Ten's entire decision about the Meta-Crisis took place after Davros massively guilt-tripped him into thinking it was his fault that all those people died. (It wasn't.) But Davros played on Ten's depression and trauma, manipulating Ten into thinking he had done unforgivable things to the people he loved. (when in fact those people died because they were inspired to be selfless like him, or were killed someplace beyond the Doctor's reach)

I've actually been doing a lot of research on Ten's trauma (including invaluable insight from Judith Lewis Herman's famous book Trauma and Recovery). This journal article about Major Depressive Disorder speaks so deeply to Ten's character, especially post-Time War and post-Davros:

"Guilt promotes altruistic behavior via acting out reparative tendencies, whereas shame reduces altruism by means of increasing social and interpersonal distance."

This explains so much about Ten's choice to sacrifice his own happiness and ask Rose to take his Meta-Crisis as her life partner. He's pushing her away, isolating himself. He's rejecting the people he loves the most because he's in a very, very dark place.

🖤🤍💜 An Asexual (Meta) Reading

There's so many reasons that Ten felt he couldn't give Rose the life she wanted (his trauma, his values). There's one angle I've been sifting around in my head in the past couple years, and it's more of a headcanon than anything: For me, because of the way the Doctor's character has been established since 1963, the Doctor's own asexuality is an almost meta-conceptual reason why the Doctor in general can't have a "normative," family life.

He couldn't say "I love you"—not because he didn't love her. (He loved her more than he ever loved himself.) But also because he knew what saying those words would mean: the expectations, the responsibility, the behaviors he felt she deserved to have from him because those words carry so much weight in human culture. All those things he could not give her.

But the Meta-Crisis could. I personally headcanon that the Meta-Crisis is not asexual like the Doctor. (Just like John Smith may not have been asexual either.) The point of both John Smith and the Meta-Crisis is showing how much they differ from the Doctor—and I think sexuality is one of those differences. It's why it was so easy for John Smith to imagine a traditional life, why it was so easy for the Meta-Crisis to promise his entire world and his entire self to Rose on that beach.

🌹 The Meta-Crisis and Rose Tyler

Which brings me back to the Tentoo himself. He was born in battle and he can die, but what does that exactly mean for his life with Rose? It's fascinating because to imagine the Doctor feeling mortality and knowing he cannot cheat death anymore—that's a horrific, terrifying thing.

There are actually two Big Finish Audios that explore this traumatic realization for the Doctor, and what that does to him. (They're both one-shots from Jackie's POV and narration, and you can listen to them here: Part 1, Part 2).

It makes Tentoo lean into his Ninth-era darkness, a ruthlessness to villains driven by the fear that he cannot protect Rose because he is not indestructible. But luckily for him, there are people he loves around him (Jackie and Rose) who keep him from that darkness.

Additionally, the Big Finish stories lean into the fact that Tentoo and Rose aren't sitting idly by. Both of them work for Torchwood and are growing their own TARDIS to continue to defend the Earth.

They don't settle down into a domestic life, at least not right away, and I think that suits them both. We know how much Rose didn't want the life of eating chips and watching telly. But listen to what RTD's Doctor Who has always tried to say: How deeply important the everyday things are, how much the Doctor, for how amazing they are, craves for a life of simplicity and the stupid little things that define humanity.

Because here's the key: It wasn't the everyday things that bothered Rose. Like she told Mickey in "Parting of the Ways":

ROSE: But what do I do every day, mum? What do I do? Get up, catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips and go to bed? Is that it? MICKEY: It's what the rest of us do. ROSE: But I can't! MICKEY: Why, because you're better than us? ROSE: No, I didn't mean that. But it was. It was a better life. And I don't mean all the travelling and seeing aliens and spaceships and things. That don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life. You know he showed you too. That you don't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand. You say no. You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away

Rose didn't hate the domestic, everyday life. She hated how life had no meaning.

She hated how people let things happen to them, without challenging anything or standing up for anything. She didn't want to travel as much as she wanted to live, to be something and do something with her life.

And that's the magic of Doctor Who, particularly RTD's era. Because you can be amazing and you can have meaning even without the Doctor, but the Doctor shows you how.

You stand up for what you believe is right and you choose to give meaning to what you do in life. You don't need to travel the stars to do that. You can make choices that give your life meaning right here and now. You can believe in something. You can find meaning in your place in the universe. You can give your enthusiasm and time to something that is important. Meaning and purpose comes from how we see the world, and that change in perspective is what Rose finds with the Doctor.

If Rose is with someone who can fill her life with meaning, who inspires her to see life as a beautiful adventure, then it really doesn't matter what she's doing with them. In The Impossible Planet, Rose was completely willing to settle down with Ten to "find a planet, get a job, live a life, same as the rest of the universe." Why? Because she'd be with him.

ROSE: This lot said they'd give us a lift. DOCTOR: And then what? ROSE: I don't know. Find a planet, get a job, live a life, same as the rest of the universe.

If I imagine Tentoo as a dad, I can't help but imagine him like Tennant himself. Kind, giving, selfless, and loving. I think Tentoo would be so afraid of letting someone hurt his child, because he hasn't had a family in so long, and he isn't the same man he was in those ancient days when, as a completely different man, he had a family.

He's a man still afraid of himself, still keenly aware of the inhuman things he's capable of. I think this fear would drive Rose and him closer together, like it did when he was Nine. But Tentoo is more self-aware now, more willing to grow and change and be different. Because he's the Doctor who was given a second chance, to live the life he thought he'd never have with the person he loves. He wants to be different to make this work.

I also think Tentoo would be the Doctor who passes on his title after he's gone. Not that I like to think about Tentoo dying one day, but let's be real: Where would his TARDIS go? As a half-human, I think Tentoo could imagine Mia taking on the role of Defender of the Earth when he and Rose have passed on. She would have been there to see it grow, and she would have been there when Tentoo and Rose first stepped out into the stars with this brand-new TARDIS. Because of his mortality, I think it would make Tentoo more open to sharing the secret, sacred things of his Gallifreyan people with the family he chose to start. He's not alone anymore, he has someone to share it with, someone who will pass it on after him and keep the world safe in his stead.

Which is all to say, I think it's a gift that Rose has the Meta-Crisis. Because when Ten regenerated and became, as he said, a completely different man, she was able to stay with the person she fell in love with and explore what that life was like, to have him with her for all of her life, and all of his.

[j2zara]

Things I’ve been thinking abt bc it’s late and ive been exhausted to talk but have been a little too shy to bring to chat but honestly might later:

Reincarnation au specifically where they’re teachers at Aguefort. just bc I think it would be funny that. Like to me in text Ellie fell first but j3 fell harder so I just think it would be funny if at first Ellie kinda thought j3 was obnoxious and didn’t rly like him but also couldn’t deny he was kinda hot and that she’s into him. Meanwhile j3 is immediately into her so he’s being kinda flirty but also clearly also admires her on a professional level too

Reincarnation au pt 2 bc in this universe Ellie is the one that is jacecoded and j3 is Portercoded in that j3 is immediately kind of Taken with Ellie meanwhile she’s being kinda avoidant and coy bc she’s like? This guy is my colleague and he’s trying to chat me up?? the nerve?? (She’s definitely kinda flattered) but also j3 is kinda torn bc he can and would normally want to float something casual bc that’s usually what he’s into but also he does really kinda like her…

Like in Ellie’s mind he’s just trying to get into her pants meanwhile he’s like. I’m trying to be cool but I want to be with her

They eventually do hook up after a lot of pent up sexual tension (esp bc ellie is annoyed by how Into Him she really is) and it is very barbarian teacher x sorcery teacher being an obvious thing even tho they’re trying to not tip anyone off but the staff is like chuckles we’re in danger… and Ellie in her mind is like this is casual! It is better to not get too attached bc I am a weirdo freak trying to con Aguefort into giving up all the research on reincarnation and on the hunt for some long lost Thing I can’t even really articulate. Meanwhile j3 in his head is like. We’re dating :)

It’s a little torment nexus 7 Jaces thesis coded bc Ellie is looking past j3 a little bc she’s like. Obsessed w this vague idealistic concept of the past and this person that she lost that is Right Here. There’s like. Grief that j3 feels from her which is so strange bc he’s right here! but also I do think they escape the torment nexus they can transcend jaceporter bc when Ellie realizes this has been j3 the whole time it’s like!!!! You’ve always been enough you will always be enough there is no glorious past and to love someone is to watch a million births of the person they’re becoming

I also think there’s a version of reincarnation au where Ellie is an adventurer and she’s genuinely out in the world trying to find j2 and j3 could be very fun. But like. While she’s on an adventure the party needs a sorcerer for hire and it’s j33333333 but she doesn’t recognize him immediately like she thought she would! But they get to know each other on this like quest and fall for each other a second time and she even saves him a couple times and he’s like. Kinda heart eyes about her over it. And sure he does fuck around with her party a bit and hurt her feelings. But also. What if they cuddled for warmth :3

Ok. Away from reincarnation au. Listen we’ve talked abt creeper j2 and even creeper Jace but I think we need to get into Creeper Ellie or something. Something something where she watches j3porter get it on but it could be they know abt it or they don’t idk

I won’t lie a part of this is bc. There’s that line in stay / leave abt her jerking it in the bathroom to thoughts abt j3 later and I am still thinking abt that bc I do think she’s done it before more than once tbh I am compelled by Ellie kinda having a crush on j3 before they’re ever really a Thing

Obviously I’m still stuck on LJ3porter toxic solesian play coded threesome in LSOP. Where j4 is like I want to take you Porter but can’t you let j3 stretch me out so that it’s perfect and I’m ready to take you < 3. Excuse to machinate getting topped by j3 in LSOP

LJ3 Vegas wedding (or Vegas-proxy wedding). There’s so many variations on this that could be fun, one version I think is sweet is the Monica x Chandler version where they’re together and they love each other and haven’t been thinking that much abt getting married but are desperately looking for a Sign they should just Go For It but also are so scared.

The other version of this is that they’re. Like. Not together like they’re in their FWB era or something but they get drunk and wanna do something. Stupid. But also. Was this just an excuse for them to go for something they wanted to do and were scared to look at sober? Maybe

[rubyloops]

for the saw asks 🔪: 3, 4, 7, 8, 16

woah that’s a lot of them HAHA okay one moment this might be a lot

3. least favorite character

i feel a little bad about this, but my immediate first thought was mark hoffman. sorry. i think hoffman is a really complicated character, (in a good way!) and i resonate a little bit with him since he’s another one of those tragic fictional saw siblings. that one comparison between him and his sister with will and pamela actually shot me dead i needed like fifteen minutes to recuperate after that one haha. his jigsaw upbringing is so heartbreaking as well. but i think I don’t really magnetize toward him because 1. he fucking murdered my beloved saw character and 2. he’s just a little bit too overrated that I can’t help but disregard him. i adore the niche! sorry mark. there’s a buncha hoffman fans out there that will give you all the love, just not me though heh. he’s got a cute face though I’ll give him that

4. a character you relate to

might be a strange answer but laura hunter from saw ii! i kind of see myself in her. she appeared really shy and frantic and anxious and if that doesn’t describe me I don’t know what does. also her mannerisms. something about her sad sad face resonates with me

7. do you have any ships?

when I first got into saw I was really into chainshipping, and I still do like that ship, but besides that I don’t really think about a ton? i do love pintshipping (brit and mallick) but that might be because i also love greg bryk haha. i was a little bit into piranhashipping (william and john) at one point, but i think i was more excited about will content than i was about the actual ship? i did enjoy the william apprentice au that surfaced cause of it, but personally im not really an avid piranhashipper. to each their own! i was also introduced to the pamela and joyce pairing a little while back and i adore that one actually. i wonder what their ship name would be…oh! and of course there’s always the beloved william and grace le domas crackship.

also I don’t know if this counts, but outside of romantic ships i do love the platonic pairings like strahm and perez. AND of course, the siblings ever, william and pamela. i don’t think anyone understands them like i do…

8. how you got introduced to the series

someone really special to me told me about it! i usually took most of their movie recommendations with ease but when they introduced the saw franchise to me i was indescribably horrified haha. at that point i’d only watched a handful of horror films and was still iffy on the genre as a whole. i just remember being in the car with them while they gave me the elevator pitch about the franchise and im just sitting there like ‘oh god there’s no way I’d watch something so horribly gory like saw!’ but oh my gosh im so glad I did. i wish I recorded my first reaction to the ending of the first saw, i was forever changed. and it led me toward becoming a fan of peter outerbridge, which i definitely did not see coming! i think if i walked up to last year ruby and told them that we love the saw franchise and this one specific canadian actor i think she’d look at me like i was crazy.

16. a trap that terrifies you

okay i had to simmer on this one for a while. because “terrifies” makes me think of one that i get scared watching rather than one i get disgusted watching? an obvious answer would probably be the acid trap, but that’s more terror of witnessing william easton’s sad sad face and fast-approaching visceral emotional damage than anything. but i also think of mateo’s trap in saw x, which i think genuinely terrified me when i watched it in theaters. there’s just something about the mask clasping down on his face that i still can’t shake from my mind. i also refuse to watch ivan’s trap from saw iv, as soon as that one starts im running to the mute button and closing my eyes haha. i think that one is a mix of terror and disgust though.

this was fun! thanks for sending these my way :) hopefully I didn’t crush any souls with my answers

[dailyoyo]

thabk yoi a lot dailyoyo your brains are very compelling to me it kind of makes me want to study you like ants . i quote you all the time like i tell my friends " i stole this sentiment / headcanon from a deranged yoyo tumblr account " . you are aspirational really Truly we need more dailyoyos in the world i cant stop thinking about lawyer yoyo now .... also i beg for more dissecting of yoyo and mew dynamics if ur Into That . theuve always been really interesting to me but honestly like 4 pieces of canonexist in jsr ever so

VERY DELIGHTFUL ASK TO GET. i love to hear that i have had a net impact in making people get weirder. its so important to me. making the jsr fandom worse one post at a time <3

a lot of the way i post in here is inspired by both my friends but also some of the crazy bitches (affectionate) ive seen around over in the dragon ball z fandom in particular, but really i think ANYONE in the world no matter the fandom has the god-given right to tear characters apart with their teeth and make them fail as fuck and really really really sick in the head in ways they were probably not intended to be read as in canon. Everypony out there get eviler!!!!!!!!!!!! Now.

IM GLAD YOU LIKE LAWYER YOYO I THINK ABOUT HIM A LOT TOO. hes fascinating to me in that like hes technically not a Bad Ending (MOST of that au technically isnt!) and yet objectively he is a worse outcome because in regular(paradox) canon theres an avenue for yoyo to heal and become less bastardous. because like he has genuine friends and positive interactions and reasons to Want to be more than a self serving shithead. and also hes 16 of course hes an asshole hes 16.

but with lawyer yoyo its like. Its too late. He grew up and he stayed like that and he does not care to change and he has no impetus to change. hes definitely living a safer and more comfortable life and he has much higher self-esteem but he is Staying dead inside. Like ok regular yoyo and lawyer yoyo are both mentally at the bottom of basically the same exact well but lawyer yoyo was like "fuck it" and built a house down there. do you get me

Oh fuck this post is getting so long and i havent even talked about mew and yoyo yet.

okay so liek. beat was yoyo's first proper Friend in the ggs (as opposed to "just tolerating him being around"). because beat kind of totally fell for yoyo's whole harmless schtick lmao. but mew was the first Real Friend in that she picked up on how much of a fake fuck yoyo was and decided to hang out with him anyway.

which. ADMITTEDLY. this was originally BECAUSE she was fascinated by yoyo being so insincere (for a while he was also really playing up the "ohoho i'm TOOOTALLY not a double agent" thing for shits and giggles even though he literally wasnt.). and as previously mentioned yoyo had a crush on her which is why he didnt realize mew could see right through him. honestly for a while he kind of thought he had totally had her under his thumb but the whole time mew was like "Awww hehe he thinks im only hanging out with him because of his manipulations, thats so cute ^_^" (<- DERANGED)

and in a way while they were already friends their friendship didnt Truly start until after yoyo confessed his love and was rejected. because like the whole thing was kind of a wakeup call for yoyo - mew had noticed his feelings all along and was waiting for him to say something Just to reject him, and like among normal people that would probably be a lot more hurtful but in that circumstance it was like... she'd outplayed him. easily. and he didn't even notice, but she's still here anyway. and she still wants to hang out with him even though she can tell the kind of person he is.

because the thing is like. mew may play up her innocence and naivety but she IS genuinely kind at heart. a lot of her strange desire to examine nasty people under a microscope is because of her desire to see the humanity in everyone, to understand Why people do the things they do. and she's not under any illusions that she can """Fix Him""", god knows she's not sure she can even "fix" herself, but she saw yoyo for what he was and could respect the survival mechanisms at play for what they were. (this is also why mew was so immediately like "idk Yoyo doesn't seem like that kind of person..." when the nt-3000 thing happened because. like. she Understood his modus operandi and that simply Wasn't It.)

and like when youre the kind of person who thinks that as soon as someone sees under your mask that they'll want you dead in a ditch, knowing someone who recognizes your mask and is just like "oh cool, i got one too" is kind of world-shaking. paradoxically them recognizing each others' insincerity makes them be a lot more sincere with each other.

Oh fuck this post long as hell. yoy

[abyssal-cryptid]

I keep playing Tears of the Kingdom (SPOILERS)

The Like enemies are the worst

I hate them

Yona is such a sweetie

They wrote Sidon and Link's relationship to be romantic in this and added a girlfriend to Sidon for deniability

Yona even calls me Sidon's 'true companion'

The people making tutorials for every little thing have my heart because I am dumb of ass

I cant be the only one who avoids the depths like my life depends on it

Its not even the depths, the chasms just make me almost have panic attacks

Anyways there is a chasm under Zora domain

Its free on enemies and has a forge

Im terrified of the dark

Also there is Zora statues

Why is Link dick sucking height for everyone

Sidon, Rauru, Ganon

I mean

I dont write porn someone else do that for me

I write sad Link

Not that sad Link cant suck dick I just cant write it

Anywaysss

I would go to the Tulin air temple but there is an ice spider there

FUCK I FORGOT TO TAKE A PIC OF THE BOSSES IN WATER TEMPLE NOO

MY COMPENDIUM

Also the boss bokoblin marches are so scary wtf

I saw group of black bokoblins paradin around and immediatly dipped into the ocean

Safety

Cant follow me

I was excited for pirates

But no its just monsters

Uhhhh quick tip dont sleep in the middle of killing the Lurelin village pirates

You bet your ass Im spending my precious time fixing up the village with Bolson

Its so fun

Im helping

I love these types of quests

In going to Hestu after this

I dont want to

I so dont want to

WAIT I WAS LIED TO

HESTU MY DEAREST

HE'S AT THE LOOKOUT TOWER

BABY BOY

I hate the depths

WHY IS THERE LIGHT EATING ENEMIES

But I need bombs and theres a lot of them here

Stop making me go down there

Let me be

Back to rebuilding

Im sure I was doing something but I cant remember

I need more space for meals

YAY WE DID IT

REBUILT

Roman is now 4*-5*-4*-3* horse and I love him so much

He looks like Epona and has flowers in his mane

Ive gotten like 9 memories

I love the animation for Link gaining hearts or stamina

Why cant the musicians walk

I love Mastro

His little ya yahs

Their band is really good

Makes me want to run in the woods

Anyways more great fairy!

Why is there no great moose

Why do I have to pay the great fairy

HOW DO I KEEP PREDICTING BLOOD MOONS TO A TEE

They gave Link so many slutty slutty outfits

Making Link wear the hylian hood when he opens a memory looks funny

LEAVE ZELDA ALONE

Why doesnt Master Sword ever talk to ME

Why does it only talk to Zelda

Maybe there was a mix up because goddess Hylia only talks to Link

Imagine

NO ZELDA NO DONT DO IT

ZELDA BABY PLEASE

ZELDA

NO

ZELDA DONT

ZELDA

Im going to write Zelda-Link fanfiction about this

Typhlo ruins being visible is kind of strange

Wait I can have a whip

Okay I admit I like the vehicles

All great fairies opened

Stable Trotters play so beautifully

The scales on the great fairies clothes are so pretty

Sidon's avatar has scared me so many times

Can I please get the ancient saddle back

YIGA FIT AQUIRED

I slayed

Literally

Got all the rewards possible from the hideout

Rauru is dumbass a little bit

Ganondorf is so hot here

Ganondorf is a liar but my god

Sonia is so beautiful my god

Zelda looks kind of like Sonia's daughter and I wonder if Ganon thinks she is

The Zonai clothing is stunning

Why does Ganondorf have to be so evil

I GOT THE HYLIAN SHIELD

OMG

I NEVER GOT THIS IN BREATH OF THE WILD

Slip resistance is like the most useless thing in this fucking game

Because it does nothing

Even on level 3

Nothing

NOTHING

WHY DID YOU PUT THIS IN GAME THEN

The Dream Homes are so cool

They cost so many coins

But Im so excited

Its so cute

I CAN HAVE ROMAN IN A PERSONAL STABLE

I got a kitchen too

And a study

And weapons room

I love it

Is it time for Gerudo town clearing? Yes yes yes

I hate this sandstorm and love the desert so

The Lightning Temple is so cool

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

WHAT

WHEN DID THIS BECOME A HORROR GAME

I HATE THAT

The puzzles are hard, I have so little brains

Boss battles are so hard

The Lightning Sage is majorly hit

Why is Demon Ganondorf so hot

WAIT DAYBREAKER WAS HER SHIELD

Is this like a traditional shield and weapon of the Lady of Gerudo?? I thought it was just Urbosa

Btw Urbosa is my favorite Champion and I adore her

Simple lesbian brain

Once again Zonai Zelda is the prettiest person in any room

Please Can I Marry Her

Why does Zelda have tear tattoos? Like did she just get them to complete her fit

Iconic

Why cant we see the faces of the Sages

Me every time they call Zelda the Sage of Time

Riju is adorable

She's grown so much

I intended to write a long fic about BOTW with my interpertation of Link and all

But then TOTK released

I do keep thinking about it

There is so many ideas and headcanons I have

I do miss dressing Link as a girl

He has slutty outfits but like let me explore Link's gender

RIJU'S AVATAR IS SO PRETTY

LIKE PRETTY AND FIERCE AND SCARY

I LOVE IT AND HER

I so had a crush on Riju in BOTW I was just dumb and in denial

GERUDO TOWN IS BACK TO NORMAL

MY BELOVED

FAVORITE CITY

I want to write a desert civilization inspired ny the Gerudo and also real desert civilizations

But idk where to start

Oh I need to take a picture of Mattison for Hudson

I love Patricia

*feeds fruit to her*

I love that Padda also loves her despite her puns

WHY IS BOZAI STILL HERE

HOW DO I GET RID OF HIM

A VOE IN THE CITY

I really like the custom they have of the vai coming to live and grow in the city after certain age

FINALLY I CAN HAVE A NOBLE PURSUIT

I love the thunder helm

Haha you cant touch me

Its 3.30am rn

I should sleep soon, the sun wakes in like an hour

Impa, staring at me publicly in Gerudo town: I did not expect to see you here

She has the same energy as Yoda

[sapphire-weapon]

idk if you’ve spoke about this but ive seen sm people say ‘well leon clearly didn’t like ashley bc he shut her down at the end by saying she doesn’t need him!!’

like did they not understand that scene at all…? like i honestly think leon saw a reflection of his younger self in ashley. he probably noticed how she started to become reliant & attached to him in the same way he did ada in re2, at least the remake, hence why he shut it down.

i just think it’s interesting that ashley is the same age leon roughly was during raccoon city, & he wanted her to turn out different than he did. I feel like he sees that in Ashley and doesn’t act on her flirting because it may be taking advantage of her in a way. I feel like he wouldn’t want to be Ashley’s “Ada” so to speak.

oh, homie, this is some of my earliest meta (1, 2) and it kind of baffles me that so many other people missed it.

so I'm with you all the way up to the last two sentences of your ask, and then you lose me. I don't understand where people see Ashley flirting with Leon. I see her being lovesick over him once or twice, but never flirting. Leon flirts with Ashley, though. Multiple times. Just blatantly hits on her. Doesn't give a fuck. If only Ashley had given him a green light and a pack of Trojans, he would've fucked her right on the dining room table in the castle.

and the concept of Leon being Ashley's "Ada" just seems really strange in general, because like... nothing about these two scenarios are even slightly similar. Leon and Ada's relationship was based on lies and deception and ended in their separation and Leon's own personal failure. Leon and Ashley's relationship is based on trust and honesty and they both succeed and escape together.

I'm guessing you mean from the angle of Ada leading Leon on, but like... Leon wouldn't be leading Ashley on, in this situation. Ashley's not stupid; she knows exactly what kind of social/societal barriers are in the way of them staying in touch, and that's why she's been trying to find a way around them. Even if Leon were to dick her down right there on that jet ski, she'll still know that that's not a thing that can continue once they get home.

But either way, Leon says no to Ashley in the ending for Sherry's sake, really, more than anything else. Sherry's sake and the sake of his own low self-esteem being convinced that he'll just pull her into a neverending nightmare of bioterror and misery if he keeps hanging around her.

[megamind2010]

standing outside your window knocking on the glass hard as fuck hand bleeding

3, 5, 12, 18, 19, 21, 33, 35 for my buddy nell bishop obvi

hello bitch (oc ask meme)

3. weapon of choice? any particular reason they chose their weapon? And here it becomes obvious that ive thought way more about nells personal life than their job as a superhero LMFAO i really like the weapon ideas shayan came up with… the ladybug shield and the little throwing stars (circles) i also think of her with some kind of derivative of the bb gun… something cute and nonlethal. most of her weaponry was developed with/by ted which explains a lot. similarly to ted she generally fights hand to hand but she probably has a few gadgets in her belt. maybe a ladybug taser

5. how do they typically dress? does their wardrobe lean more towards practicality or aesthetics? nell wears the same outfit to work every day (slacks, button down, sweatervest, tie, fingerless gloves, converse) because they found a comfortable outfit ten years ago. they tend to wear the same kind of thing casually as well… the gloves are a sensory thing so they tend to wear them pretty much whenever they arent asleep or showering lol but overall their entire wardrobe is extremely samey because i mean. He knows what he likes if it aint broke why fix it

12. how long have they been around? do you know their birthday? is their birthday the day you made them or another day? what do they think of celebrating birthdays? ……… I DONT REMEMBER? i think i came up with the first inklings pretty soon after colleen doran posted the original unused ladybug and blue beetle illustration which wassssssssss february 2023…? NOT EVEN A YEAR AGO? but i didnt start really developing them in earnest for a while after that I GENUINELY DONT KNOW i feel like theyve been around forever. if i made their birthday the day i "made" them it would have been too close to my birthday which felt weirdly indulgent so i made their canon birthday january 2nd :-) she doesnt tend to tell other people when her birthday is but isnt like Secretive about it, she just isnt a fan of huge displays

18. their opinion on lying, stealing, and killing? lying is fine if its for a reason or if its funny. in general her morals are in the service of preventing harm so stealing in the abstract is kind of neutral. not a fan of killing! you might ask then why she lives with casey, an attempted murderer. well you see 1. she didnt actually manage to do it 2. it was kind of funny

19. are they quick to anger? what sets them off? its very easy to annoy them step 1 be casey step 2 profit LMAO like with most of their emotions nell doesnt really externalise anger very obviously until it reaches a crisis point… many things that anger them! a big one is having her abilities/independence questioned… deliberately obnoxious behaviour… mouth sounds

21. their favorite place to be? he really does like his workplace… he likes being at home. being by himself in a dark quiet place is top tier

33. if applicable, how would your other characters describe them? i mean specifically the people around them. erm well not all of them are my characters but the people in her life casey: (under her breath) boring judgemental bitch (out loud) SAVE ME LADYBUG ted: she's a real bright spark :D booster: difficult to read michelle: really cool… but kind of frustrating at times! her dad: incredibly driven… just like his mother alex (middle brother): they work really hard even when people dont notice seb (youngest brother): SO COOL

35. do they ever return home? not very often. their family moved out of their childhood home after nell left so it's strange to go back to somewhere they didnt grow up

[broodsys]

also i totally get why so many fans end up hating solas. a part of me does, too. but... if you look from his perspective, really try to sink into it, make him the main character of the narrative rather than the inquisitor, it's just a different kind of tragic. one thing ive always loved about the da games is that the characters aren't wishy-washy, they make game-changing, earth-shaking decisions all on their own w/o any input from the player. if he was real i'd want him dead but as part of a narrative... ough. this is the vague part, spoilers under the cut

he was part of the old elven empire. he saw its corruption, saw the other elven "gods" kill mythal for caring for her people instead of just herself and the others like her, and broke the world in two to avenge her and to seal them away. they were wrong. but in trying to defeat that evil, he did so, so much harm. but he couldn't do otherwise, could not kill them, and had no other means of sealing them

and now here's an elf who knows nothing of their history except for how its been twisted and turned into strange propaganda, and he falls in love with her. how can he betray her? how can he not? if he doesn't keep going, he'll be betraying his original means of penance, betraying his people, and keeping the world split - to him, destroyed. and if he goes along with her, if he stops his quest, then... all the people he's killed, that he's spent, mythal herself, who he killed/took, in pursuit of fixing the world, all of their deaths become meaningless. how can he turn his back on all of them, their sacrifice, for personal love? how can he be so selfish? yet, he is mortal, in a manner of speaking. he came from a time of immortality but its unclear if he's still immortal, however i tend to think he isnt anymore, and so he has a finite amount of time to repair the catastrophic damage he's done to the world.

cassandra speaks of the inqusition as needing to sometimes break a bone to set it properly. he's doing the same. he's making the impossible choice to destroy what currently exists in order to make the world whole. it is selfish. it is selfless. it is repetence. it is fear. he talks about restoring his people and certainly that's a part of it, but it's also... his scale is fucking celestial. things will grow out of the ruins, things that are connected, whole, unveiled, undamaged by his decision. iron bull says the qun chooses leaders based on who can make the hard choices and live with the consequences - that, too, is what he is doing, and he knows it. his decisions, his goals, they are not malicious. he is trying to soften the blow as much as possible. but he is still willing to destroy what is to recreate what was, and it's not all or exclusively because he's scared to be the only 'true' elf left, it's because he destroyed it and it is the way the world is supposed to be.

it's just... fucking hell. the farmer tries to save their fields from the blight and the rifts. the inquisitor tries to save the world from the breach. solas tries to save the world from the veil. in all cases, life in some form is spent, destroyed, rended to make way for the new.

and the foreshadowing! fuck! his friend, a spirit of wisdom, was forced to fight and turned into a demon of pride. wisdom -> fighting -> pride. solas is the word for pride. the metaphors here... when he existed in the fade, when he was part of the elven empire, perhaps he was given to explorations of wisdom, committed to that. then he fought for it, fought against the "gods." it was necessary, but i dont think he was proud. no, the pride was what the fear demon commented on, his pride, his assurance that he could mend what he had rent. from spirit to demon. from wisdom to pride, the transformation through violence.

[nanjokei]

man idk if my opinions on smt are bullshit or not but im not backing down from "mainline is pretty mid actually" at this point.

its strange because the games, i dont see them ad individually mid, but coming from the era of when "play a real shin megoomy tensay game" was a proliferating (AND IRONIC. i dont think most people got that it was supposed to be ironic!!) meme, the lionization of mainline now kind of feels unearned aside from it being the sort of center of a digimon-like evolution chart.

really, smt is an in an incredibly awkward spot.

original smt established a formula, and was a pretty fine game on its own. i respect it a lot, and reexperienced it in the form of an lp. i can say despite everything, it holds up, if youre willing to meet it where its at.

the only mainline i dont have enough experience with to judge is smt2... though i do believe its a great game.

smt if is great. anyone who followed me a decade ago knows i freakin love smt if. amazing mainline spinoff

smt nine is really misunderstood i think. they made a lot of capital C choices with it, but i cannot look at it with scorn and disrespect. really, i see it and see a different future we could have had. it was incredibly ambitious, and i realized it had a lot of things that i wanted out of smt in the current day. its anything but stagnant. absolute clusterfuck of a game but i say this as a cautious compliment

nocturne really broke the mold in so many ways, incredible game, i think atlus had balls shifting smt so much with this one release, but their behavior with its legacy later on really sours me on it personally. but yes, nocturne has such a strong identity.

i didnt play a lot of strange journey. but unlike 2 i feel like i can talk about it. as a mainline spinoff, like if, it had a lot of wiggleroom to be more experimental both in its story and overall vibe. they could do it without worrying about the weight of "this is a mainline, we have to please people".

smt iv, what an insane game. honestly, i applaud it for trying. it is more valuable to me for trying than anyone could even imagine. i think it tried to be fresh. the thoroughline between it and strange journey is quite clear— both in terms of literally "sj happened" and the philosophies of the two games. the routes and endings may suck ass but walter, jonathan and isabeau are such strange and endearing characters regardless

apocalpyse. well, the gameplay is fun! i dont hate it as much as other people do, but im confused at why the story is suddenly so pamby namby and dumbed down. i dont follow the belief that ~nanashi ripped off demifiend~ because thats fucking silly, i actually think its the right way to call back to demifiend, but man. um. i like hallelujah i think hes so cute and good :)

smtv. lol. idk its trying so hard to be nocturne 2 but with all the mid legacy of smt as a mainline series. having someone tell me directly that most of the characters in the game are nothingburger does not help its case. i dont get why they did this. honestly, it pisses me off. they made me wait so long for nocturne 2 instead of actually coming up with something new. this is why ill always defend iv even if its kind of failson.

i think smt's issue really is that atlus is not willing to let nocturne go. its becoming very stagnant and its infecting the spinoffs, even.

like sorry but i dont think soul hackers 2 was personafied, i think it was smt mainline-ified. think about it. i already talked about it once. im not repeating myself (also due to tumblrs shit search i cant find the post i made about it atm 🤣)

[gg-selvish]

ive never really had the chance to flesh it out in writing as much as i'd like to but something i think about a lot in terms of the streamers we watch especially in the time we've been in for a bit is the transition from online to irl when it comes to established companionship

i'm speaking as someone with a good amount of personal experience in meeting significant others and friends who started out as online companions either for weeks, months, or years, and though the longer you go keeping it online while wanting to breach into real life it gets more intense, the initial feeling of meeting is relatively similar.

it's kind of like hearing someone through a door, you know their voice and it brings you a feeling of comfort and home. with your eyes shut you recognize them instantly, but there's space and an obstacle between you two that means you can do anything you could ever imagine to do together except for touch. over time this can become maddening, months stretching into years where you're bumping into this hard wood barrier trying to get to the person who you know and adore like the back of your hand

and then you get through the door and it's kind of strange. the first hug and words you hear your brain understands that you're home and safe and with your companion, but then you pull away and are faced with the one you love in another level of reality. you can touch, taste, reach out and graze their cheek, and the gravity of that reality is so intense it takes however far you've gone with your relationship and brings you back to square fucking one.

it's fascinating to me. going from deep personal conversations that you wouldn't dare share with anyone else, intimate moments together that were sacred as communion, years and years of finding comfort and utter serenity wrapped in this far away voice and then they're a human being standing in front of you. and the newfound ability to touch and be touched is so overwhelmingly insanely exciting to your puny person brain receptors that you turn into a second grader with their crush on the playground

in my old days on tumblr and maybe still but i wouldn't know, it was incredible common to film the first meeting with your online partner regardless of how popular your blog was. because it wasnt about the people meeting it was about the meeting itself. watching two unsteady people who know each other so intimately and deeply stumble together like newborn deer, trembling as they take each other's hands, and sharing a chaste kiss that could break the earth in two. because though that physical moment is light and easily breakable, there's the weight of years of love behind it

i'm not sure where i'm going with this, i guess i just think its really beautiful watching established people in established dynamics experience each other like something new for the first time. to drop the weight of waiting for intimacy and finally being united as a real thing together. it's so beautiful and special. i really like that we get to witness it as an audience but also as trusted friends in a regard

in this vein, a while ago i turned the dnf pre-meetup era of 'waiting is painful' into a brainrot that's kind of similar to this concept but a bit more purple if you'd like to read it. or not, i'm just talking here :p

[chivjrennugts]

this isolation is truly driving me crazy and making me feel so strange. on one end i feel happy that im finally thriving academically and im not wanting to fucking kill myself over every little thing, but on the other hand i feel like im constantly preparing for shit thats never gonna happen, im the loneliest ive ever been in my whole life and i am just so unsure. a part of me is sure this is what my mom wanted. me to be a fucking "yes ma'am" robot, but i cant blame her because the road i was going down was fucking terrible, and honestly i hate to admit this but she really did play a big part in that. i was miserable then, depressed even. but somehow i wasnt as unhappy and monotone as i am now.

i feel so boring and soulless, personality-less and they think this is a good thing. they think i want this. they think my favorite thing is to "be in the house" its not.

if anything thats starting to become the thing i hate the most. being in this house, in this room, 24 fucking 7. and no matter how many times i try to explain i am just made to feel stupid and ungrateful. man im tired of myself being tired of this shit.

i dont even know what to do anymore, social media has become my reality at this point. i am so unrealllllll and boring now.

often times i feel under appreciated because i tell her i did all this for her, but in reality when i sit and think about it i didnt. i did it more so BECAUSE of her. but i cant even begin to tell her that because then she'd say im just trying to make her feel back for parenting me and all other kinds of shut down shit.

but i really am just tryna leave all of that behind me and focus on now. but there isnt really anything to focus on. i feel forced to think about the past because there isnt really anything going on in my present.

i have no friends, no anything. just the ppl in my house. and a girl like me, i like adventure excitement i have so much love and passion in my heart that cant just be wasted.. so hopefully soon or later i get through this sandpaper patch.

[zackbuildit]

yeah actually that would be super helpful, ive been trying to learn how to keep my cool in arguments recently so that would be a big help

Ok biggest factor for keeping cool for us is to basically never do what feels automatic. If you don't clearly know what consequence expect from an action AND why that's helpful, then don't let yourself do it. As long as you're able to continue doing this, you'll (usually) never gain enough emotional momentum to meltdown or lash out

(REALLY LONG PART 1 OF AN ESSAY AFTER CUT)

The other factor for keeping cool tho ties into that: social mimicry. It's a very strange unconscious thing people and animals do when interacting long enough. Basically, when two people interact, after a while they'll start mimicking the behaviors the other person is having in the interaction. Not things like certain phrases or beliefs, mind you. Emotions and tone. Stuff that's kinda next to language, not in it. Obvious examples are if someone is acting really harsh, then someone who continues to interact with them will start acting harsh too. Also happens with sadness, if someone starts to act like they're really upset about something, then people they're interacting with will start to feel upset too, even if they don't know why. Behavior is contagious

What do we do about social mimicry tho? Well, you can't stop people from doing it. Social mimicry only stops when someone is actually thinking about social mimicry, and we can't expect random strangers to do that. So instead we weaponize it.

You know the idea of "if you're kind to people, they'll be kinder in return"? Well, you can kinda modify that: "if you act genuine, curious, and willing to change, they will become more genuine, curious, and willing to change."

Please note that you cannot actually fake your way into triggering social mimicry. If you are pretending to be willing to change, then it won't mimic the "willing to change" part, it'll mimic the "pretending to be willing to change" part, which we can say from experience is SO MUCH WORSE.

What you're gonna do instead of pretending is to actually, genuinely be willing to change your mind if they make a good argument. This feels weird as fuck.

It's supposed to.

It's strategic.

Here's how we trained ourself to be able to do this cuz it was REALLY hard: whenever we were about to get into an argument, we'd first tell ourself, "either we'll leave this informing them, or them informing us. Either way, we're both more right than we were coming in." What matters in an argument isn't winning after all, it's having a good consequence and making those who were arguing understand things more. If they make an argument that is genuinely strong, then it *should* convince you, so you should allow that as a possibility

Anyway it's getting late, we're gonna continue this tomorrow maybe. Sorry for long answer