poemsbyjosh-blog - Tumblr blog

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Good Night

It’s all got me thinking awful thoughts

Breathing in reverse, I want to make it stop

Time just doesn’t pass the way it once did

I just want to feel magnificent

.

Paralysis creeps in, replacing paranoia

Can’t breathe to cry, can’t empathize to care for you

I’ll grow older this way if it’s the last thing I do

It’s not going away, so I thought I had to

.

Then you rested your hand on my heart and your lips on my soul

Your breath consumed me and soon I’d feel whole

Shadows cast aside, doubt be damned

I never knew I had a cure-all til I held your hand

.

I want to tell you that you saved me, you’re my hero

But you’re asleep in my arms, dreaming of places we’d go

.

Serenity was a fallacy’s then it became tangible

The surreal becomes real, when you hold your guardian angel

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Dinner Dated

I ate dinner alone that night

You didn’t like the place I had chosen

The empty seat before me, a forgotten sight

A forgotten scene you had stolen

You replaced the memories of misery one by one

You made me forget what it meant to be unloved

Soon I didn’t know what it was like to be alone

All I wanted was for you to see the fears I dreamt up

I grabbed dinner on the way to work

It was an excuse to leave and seek some closure

When do we end it all, I’m trying to resist the urge

But this apocalypse I created is only getting closer

When you took my dreams and made them real

Did you think I wouldn’t need a new dream to chase?

You sought to make me whole, but you don’t get what I feel

I’m a fool filled with selfishness, I’m leaving this place

I’m eating with you again, you granted me a new dream

By disappearing finally, you gave me something to chase

The years kept passing by, but I’m not growing old it seems

Just tired, weary, and resentful wearing bitterness on my face

And the bitterness is now caked upon my absent smile

Make up to erase the aging of a young fool’s ego

When I stopped growing with you, I just grew old for a while

Until I lost it all but my pride, then today I let that go

I ate dinner alone tonight, as your family divides your estate

It says you left me nothing; nothing but regret I will never escape

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Memories Slip but Love Never Fades

I got the same good morning text with a heart on the end

I typed out "I love you" but never hit send

It's happened every day for what seems like weeks

But I must go on offering the comfort he seeks

My husband lay beside me, completely unaware

His wife either knows or doesn't really care

His words could always conjure a deep emotion with me

But these words of love bring brutality

Alzheimer's be damned for this cruelest trick

Convincing a man he loves me even as he's sick

It's been 35 years since I last placed his lips on mine

But he still seems to think it's 1979

So I play along because I can't crush his heart each day

It's not like the truth makes Alzheimer's go away

And though we're both married and each have kids

His words make me forget that what's dead is dead

I can't fault him for not letting reality be as it seems

Because I still love him too, just mostly in dreams

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

A Pessimist's Prayer

Mama always told me to never let someone live a lie

But I couldn't stand to tell her there's no heaven when she dies

The book that they've read me has taught me to hate the bad

But I can't negate hate when it's compassion I never had

One of these days, we'll all grow up and face reality

But I won't dismiss all fairy tales as innocence or vanity

Maybe I'm not right, maybe the devil is playing me like a fiddle

Maybe a less enlightened perspective is the answer to this riddle

But I can't look at it that way, the person I am won't accept it

I was raised to love the lord, but I feel like an exception

I better figure it out soon because the devil is real and near

So to this God I've never known, I pray, just keep my mama near

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

A 'Right'er

What’s the next thought coming off of this pen

Like an uninvited revelation of what I have been

And this paper thin canvas contains so much depth

Deep into every single thought up to my very last breath

Every drop of ink that hit this paper and dried

Paints a perfect little portrait of the tears I have cried

The nonsensical words trapped between each line

Add some slight clarity to my masqueraded mind

That small forgotten notebook that’s lost somewhere closed

Contains the most strenuous details of my wondrous woes

Every time it is required that I dot another “I”

Is another suffering memory I can no longer hide

And every word asking me to cross all the “t’s”

Represents another innocent bystander I cannot please

Every hesitation, marked by a comma

Is a halting reminder of disappointment to my mama

Every page I fill replaces one empty hug

Sentences feeding my problem like the perfect drug

And every stanza, each weakly supported rhyme

Is the weakness of my soul, unhealed over time

So is this the dream, aspirations of a poet

To ask a million questions, and pretend that you know it

The irony in this wrongest of sights

Is the portrayal of my art as homophonic with right

I’m merely a painter, placing a setting with each letter

Drawing clouds of emotion to cast my inner weather

I’m a motionless portrayal of the performing arts

A pen as a ballet partner to my interpretive heart

But my movements so stiff like the pressure plagued dancer

Expectations of my ink to be a fountain of answers

But in all this vulnerability, people may see

Through all this madness, that they are just like me

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Addiction

Burns at me like a cigarette that sits between my lips

On my mind like the hair that once slid through her hands

Pressing against me like the body that was pushed firmly against my hips

Drained like my energy after pleasing her harsh demands

A soul as bare as my flesh in the times we were connected

Happiness deserted like the clothes we cast to the side

Remorse staring me down of what your bedside mirror reflected

But you and the cover are now gone, I have nowhere to hide

You were a special love, just a love for the lust

Once I fed your desires I never knew if you still cared

I could only offer you my love during that momentary rush

Knowing once satisfied you were inevitably never there

But you had me addicted stuck to you like a drug

And I had nowhere to go since you were my only place

I needed your dosage, drawn to you by a hug

The touch of your skin offered an undenying taste

I preferred that your dose come via objection

But oral intake will do if that’s all I may receive

Void of all emotion, only physical response to your rejection

No longer my heart’s decision as to whether I leave

But I realize I can’t have you as a drug being burned

You will not be treated as a drug of abuse

The problem however with this lasting lesson learned

Is it went undiscovered until I thirst for your juice

This high can’t be replaced by a shot or a line

And my happiness now permanently a thing of the past

I resort to our memories as a pleasant rewind

A personal escape that is never to last

I will never again have a life without this Madonn

Her long lost body now leaves me malnourished

But the end of this rope can return me to nirvana

Where within your body forever I may flourish

Afterlife begins before all of our fights

A thought more distant than I could ever had dreamed

But I was shocked not to return to our glorious nights

You didn’t exist in this Garden of Eden as it seemed

I finally found you dismissed as a tempting snake

For in my life you were my designated devil

The happiness and love was revealed to be fake

And the truths of all the lies were finally unraveled

My reliance on you was the actions of a fool

Your trap was a place I never should have came

But now I’m enlightened and have escaped your rule

No longer a participant in your deviant game

I’m lucky to have found this refreshed start

A chance without you where I can once again live

Now love is my adventure as I search for another heart

For it’s the only part of your body you never could give

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Aging Away

Why would I ever want to grow old

Everything’s hurting, your skin’s so cold

Sitting all day while your body aches

Too scared to live, brittle bones may break

Always behind, the world spins so fast

Uncertain how much longer life will last

Beaten down beauty, you no longer glisten

Too deaf to hear, but you never listened

To warnings of aging taking control

Why would I ever want to grow old

Why would I ever want to grow old

Arthritis made these hands difficult to hold

Memories disappear, losing your mind

In search of hope when there’s none to find

No future ahead, the present’s dark

Can’t visit the past with fragmented thoughts

Look around, you’re more and more alone

All your childhood friends have left this home

Age tramples onward into the depths of your soul

Why would I ever want to grow old

Why would I ever want to grow old

This world ain’t the one you’ve grown to know

It’s a bustling world, no chance to relax

You can’t find peace with these pains in your back

Mind not so sharp you keep falling behind

The only one listening is a faithful canine

As your era dies, so dies chivalry

A good deed now, a seldom delivery

A world so evil where is there hope

Why would I ever want to grow old

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Always & Forever

The world’s growing dark, no more sunrises

My time has come, there’ll be no surprises

I’m shutting my eyes, my first sense shut down

Left finally with just touch, to feel the world around

I lay in the bed, straight and flat on my back

My head cocked to the right by the twist in my neck

A heavy warm weight fits perfectly at my side

And to my left, I know I have my sweet bride

Her thin straight hair tickles my unshaven chin

I can see her sweet smile where my sight had once been

Her stomach still so flat against my own uneven hips

And her chin lies slowly into the place where my shoulder dips

Our ribs intertwined like the teeth of a zipper

I can feel our hearts beat, but mine is merely a whimper

One sweet, long leg across the bottom of my torso

Her right leg always firmly against my left, now even moreso

Her hand across my chest, resting under my cheek

Our toes against each other’s under the layers of sheets

I no longer see the beauty that is our bare figures

Nor do I hear the ‘I love you’s in faint whispers

I cannot smell her sweet aroma so familiar

Or taste our kisses with lips so similar

And now I close my eyes, to leave this cruel world

To never again feel the weight of this girl

But then St. Peter grabs my attention

To prove to me the point that I’ve been missing

“You lived a good life and were rewarded with heaven

Where nothing aches, you won’t hurt ever again

But in your final trip, you were wrong about one thing

When you made your voyage and heard the angel’s sing

See all that has been happening has occurred in afterlife

It has been six hours now since you did die”

As this thought dawned on me I was reduced to tears

It came too soon although I knew the end was near

“So all the beauty of my love shared in that fascination

Was merely my thoughts, figments of my imagination”

St Peter did laugh, now joined by Jesus

I always thought heaven was where crying ceases

“You don’t understand my son, that love is real love

Wake her you’ll see, that is your familiar

See six hours ago, when she thought love was torn apart

She couldn’t take the pain and died of a broken heart

And before you ask, although our God is mystical

This was a product of love, not one of our miracles

My love then woke and looked me in the face

Through tears of joy, we reembraced

She said “I had to die, because I knew through whatever

That our love must persist, always and forever”

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

And Never Die Young

For years we have walked down all the wrong roads

Taking shots of truths too painful to be swallowed

We’ve stumbled along the lonely streets of despair

But never did we travel as less than a lonesome pair

We never feared the fall, having each other’s trust

Stayed behind to shield the other from everyone’s dust

On the nights it would have hurt to have slept alone

We cuddled up like men not prepared to be grown

You taught me along the journey to only be me

Because there’s only one chance to live life as you please

We lifted hearts that were heavy, lifted hearts that were broke

And lifted our glasses to drink only teas and cokes

Our most destructive devices were these admired brains

Possessors of the poison that made us realize the pain

We preached to a gospel that couldn’t translate our hymn

Because our tongues were a telling that we weren’t one of the

I’d offer the shirt off my back if we hadn’t bared our chests

To live our lives freely, careless not restless

Rarely would women join our unappealing ride

To tear us apart putting distance at our side

But the twist of this tale of fools worthy of theatres

Is when times are tough, this friendship is greater

So let us ignore what soothsayers have told

Crack the crystal ball and spill what it beholds

Shuffle the deck of cards and deal a new hand

Support the handicapped in making their stand

Our future is not in sight, it’s masked by a thousand hills

Hills of the unknown we tread via the others will

The future seems dark, haunting, and bleak

But the monsters of our past are becoming extinct

We made it through hell now sporting the battle scars

By making the easiest of times that seemed too hard

No matter what our evils still have in store

We face them together like soldiers of was

And no matter our troubles or tendencies we can’t tame

We travel together, partners of this game

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Apart Meant Be 2 of 2

We created a home underneath this makeshift star

With the right physical flaws to portray who we are

Its metal design like the disguised lies that we were tough

Its dented surface like an admission of enough

The star juts out unevenly, slightly over-sized

Showing only those who stand out will be recognized

Our star had no blaze to fight the darkness of our nights

But it remained by our side in the return of light

We, like the star, refuse the conformities of gold

If it means flying too high for our loved ones to hold

Stars’ importance aren’t found by the distance it glows

But in it’s presence as a makeshift life grows

I learned that survival isn’t sparkling perfection

It’s holding on faintly, heading for resurrection

The beauty in the piecing of these strips of metal

Is the resilient and messy union somewhere near the middle

The house will vanish but the memories will remain

To slowly chip away like the ornament’s cracked paint

Our love and this bond will always manage to weather

Knowing that we can always face this world together

When I fell so low, you granted me my greatest lift

The final piece this star, offered like a farewell gift

Now this bulky brown decoration hangs over my bed

Shining down its memories of the year that I’ve had

Now when I wake up in the morning staring at stars

I know a home is never lost, even when apart

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Birds & Bees

I was taught of the birds and the bees

Told that this was what love was all about

All I learned is that birds fly away to leave

And a bees’ sting hurts when you're left out

Turns out I wasn’t too far from being right

I was just too young to realize the rest

That a strong foundation won’t hold the fights

And there’s never a forever resting in a nest

Home is a fantasy because of what we can’t perfect

And happiness is beautiful because it’s a myth

Love is an idea that leaves the lonely to reflect

And a smile’s a nice disguise for pain and guilt

So what do I suggest when you see what I see

To fly away alone and join the birds and the bees

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Calling Home

I am not to be defined by those who push me aside

I will not be classified by those who make me abide

I will not be summarized by a nine digit number

I will not come to an end in my final slumber

My level of success will not be defined by the bank

My level of power won’t be entitled by rank

My love won’t be measured by the girls I’ve had

I will not be called acknowledged simply because I’m a grad

I will not be labeled innocent because I’ve been saved

I will not be remembered because of the friends I’ve made

None of this matters in the end, for I know that I

Will be the image that appeared in my daughter’s eyes

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Camaraderie (Come Rot With Me)

Here’s an invitation to all of my friends

To join me and watch when this world ends

We’ll sit merrily, sing songs around a fire

Stare out to the planets as our own expires

Hold hands and tell of our feelings from the past

Discuss our surviving until forever at last

Say hi to god and give praise to our loved

Then recollect on the life of push and shove

In the end of all being, who would be depressed

When we’re the ones free that were formerly oppressed

Most people fear the end, like life goes on forever

While I try to get somewhere, like life goes on together

So here is to the ruins at the end of the line

And here is to the beings that surround me at this time

The only testament I have to loyalty and faith

Are the ones that I kept with me, never losing our grace

When I make it to the end, I hope to have you all

My heart will overcast the world, a million friends tall

I want to see this world die, to me it would be a treat

To tell it face to face, we showed it defeat

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Christian

Where will we be heading when we make it to the grave

This leaves me no worries for my soul has been saved

I am imperfect, and can’t be trusted with my plans

My life belongs in some deity’s hands

Children gather round for the lessons we hear

Of whom we will love and what we must fear

Every week we gather to be told we are all weak

And are sold that a successful lie is one fairly bleak

The world will be less scary if my God does assist

Those around me will always be there as long as we are His

A family like this will never suffer the devil’s kiss

For the dirty deals of demons I have learned to resist

I’ve maintained my innocence and unclenched my fist

It is a sin filled world I will escape if I persist

To heaven’s gates, because I know my god exists

And this eternity I strive for must be worth what I’ve missed

I sit at the edge of my bed and say my prayer

Every night wondering why this world doesn’t care

This church was my refuge from all the hate

But these sinners and I aren’t destined for the same fat

When my prayer reaches its closing and I say amen

It seems so does your safety as my loved one’s lives end

I can not handle being told its God giving me doubt

Heaven’s a destination but church is not the route

Sloth isn’t Christian, but what progression do Christians lead

They take the poor’s money as they preach against greed

They deter gluttony, through the mouths they overfeed

Lust is wrong, but the preacher plants his seed

Wrath comes from the devil, but holy wars haven’t ceased

Pride is a sin, but they mention all their deeds

Envy is evil, but I’m jealous of those freed

I confess these confessionals don’t give the forgiveness I need

We sing the sacred songs but what is our agenda

Are we a recycled record for a Christian propaganda

Is my life a lost cause if I don’t see from this point of vie

And am I really damned to hell if I don’t remain seated at this pew

The logic of my mind says have no fear of your storm

And my bewildered soul suffers from the way we conform

Christians are the assumed kind who never forgive or judge

But ways of others won’t be heard and their beliefs won’t budge

Your sermon teaches lessons of an ending you predict

When your holy books meaning and interpretation contradict

Doubts buried within me can’t all be an internal conflict

As you stand in my face questioning my eternal verdict

But I’m a mirror asking you what good you depict

Are you so much better than me or a religious benedict

So before you tell me who your god has picked

Why are you still on his side when you neglected the sick

Where will we be heading when we make it to the grave

A question hard to answer when the saviour needs to be saved

Maybe im the mistaken, for when I see an old man baptized

The only emotion I feel is that fear is on the rise

Donate to the corrupt that can bid thee fair

Sing their songs so you won’t sound so scared

But remember there’s no formula or trick to escape hell

So let this lost soul be the first to wish you well

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Cried Out Rivers Revealed Your Eyes

Surrounded at your funeral, people cry hand-in-hand

Sad for an untimely loss of our beautiful friend

As I approached your casket, which now had been sealed

I pondered silently what 17 years had revealed

I remember so vividly being lost in your eyes

How much truth did I see, how much was a lie

The brightness brought when a broken smile was delivered

But in the dark depths of your heart, you had cried out rivers

Had your face I grew fond of been a pathetic disguise

A masqueraded attempt to conceal your demise

All these people around me, we were all so aware

Of your fight with depression, disdain, and despair

Was I the only one sitting up with no sleep

Hearing the song of your lifetime as whimpering weeps

What happened to the girl who had all of the answers

What happened to my partner, teammate, and other dancer

People always wonder if we ever experience the end

So my question to you is upon where did you descend

You would never buy in to heaven and hell

It was a product, an item, the corrupt could sell

Everyone wants to place you in a divine home

I knew in my heart that wasn’t where you roam

I was uncomforted without solutions to my query

Why must death be so tragic and eerie

But I finally received an answer to my one question test

It came in the night where I laid in rest

After several months without you, ages as it seemed

We finally reconnected in the most wonderful of dreams

It appeared after death you gained so much life

Such genuine joy and the Brightest of Eyes

You poked fun at me for my naïve sorrow

And my harnessed belief in a single choice for tomorrow

You knew of the struggles and bruises I failed to hide

You saw in me the versions that existed before you died

The person that she was before death left your heart healed

And how after crying out rivers, you were finally revealed

You told me your eyes left your soul undefined

They were merely a window, possibly a mirror to mine

I was a lost soul poorly protected by my walls

My eyes would either cast falsehoods or nothing at all

I never woke from this dream, never fought another day

As the last of my attempts drifted away

But I didn’t remain in the world of my companion

For her mountain of joy, would be my treacherous canyon

So where would my journey through death set sail

With my family and friends as they bid me farewell

But it was no celebration, any joy would be shunned

As they thought my short life was over and donee

Looking down on my funeral people crying hand-in-hand

All sad for the untimely loss of their beautiful friend

I looked at myself as I grasped a single rose

Ironically, my uncovered eyes, had been left closed

I watched as my world prepared for me to be missed

But the environment was filled with so much ignorant bliss

I knew now that my death came with one task

A final job you must perform after you pass

Somewhere in this crowd was the unique soul

Whose mannequin life was lived with no goal

I was destined to offer advice for my friend’s inner cries

Sorrows would be healed while visiting my paradise

And is if déjà vu struck he appeared in a glance

He came to me while in the deepest of a trance

He was flabbergasted struck with this astonishing look

He started to tell of his daydreams in a seat he had took

“Sometimes I wondered of my own life and death

Would you be in my sight when I regained my breath

And is there a utopia free of hierarchal rule

Are you in nirvana, did I shed the tears of a fool

Are you really gone, or did you just migrate

To a world where arrival seems so delayed”

I told him the wonders of my fantasy abode

And how I found the richest of treasures at the end of my road

But my friend was unfortunately so surely unsure

He told me the life he knew is the one he’d endure

I told him with faith reality became this hallucination

I told him that death was my rejuvenation

But the most promising pleasures couldn’t change his mind

He wanted to live that nightmare out of some foolish pride

So I sacrificed my world, the sweetest of grounds

Because my friend still needed a guardian angel around

My home became the sky, distant from his head

Invisible to the eye, hovering over his bed

But for all the powers upon me that death bestowed

My dear friend’s happiness was something I did not control

Struggling on in a life against his will

Was the hardest to watch a humanity roadkill

But I fought alongside, sharing his pains

Losing more each day for such little gain

And in the depths of his thoughtful masochistic ways

He left the world a note, the punishing words it did say

…

“As I struggle to give my life many more tries

I cry out more rivers, to only reveal more disguise”

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Cloud Diver

I don't wish to reside here, lost amongst the crowd

I want to be swept away, wrapped in a cloud

To be brought down upon you in the form of rain

Finally found, forever I shall remain

Millions of my heartbeats have had to pound alone

And you’re what’s at the end of my yellow brick road

I’m chasing a mermaid as the waves retreat

I don’t need a destination with this journey incomplete

Your tears fall to the ground instead of my shoulder

I’d hoped the tears would disappear as you got older

But that’s the curse; I guess it’s true what they say

That hell can be anywhere, so long as it’s far away

I don’t want to reside here, lost amongst the crowd

I want to be swept away, wrapped in a cloud

To be brought down upon you in the form of rain

Finally found, forever I shall remain

I beseech of you please to breathe life into my soul

If you pull me from the flames, I’m certain to glow

I’ll reach for your hand as the fire keeps burning

But I can’t find you, I just continue turning

Yes, loneliness is subjective; but distance is real

Dreams are the desires the heart can’t fulfill

So I beg of love to take me off the ground

If I ever find myself above you, I’ll also find my way down

I don’t want to reside here, lost amongst the crowd

I want to be swept away, wrapped in a cloud

To be brought down upon you in the form of rain

Finally found, forever I shall remain

I’ve found my stairway at the bottom of this ravine

The ending may be painful but it will leave quite a scene

I’ll sacrifice my body for my soul to be lifted

I’ll rid of this shell, have my heart re-gifted

If I were to fall here could my brain stop thinking?

Place my soul in the skies, where death would bring me

I could descend upon your body; drop myself onto your frame

But you’d open your umbrella to shield you from this rain

If I were to escape my place in the crowd

Be an angel of death residing in the clouds

I’d stay gone forever, washed away with the water

And pray in disappearance that my memory doesn't falter

[poemsbyjosh-blog]

Daisies Steal the Time, I'm Now Hers

Let's go frolic in a field of daisies

While the sun lies forever along the horizon

We'll be perennially relaxed but never be lazy

We can dance in the rain, or whatever the skies send

It will always be weather fit for holding you tight

Every moment is time to forget our troubles

And when I kiss you beneath our sunlight

Our hearts will sync, pounding as doubles

Naysayers will ask if what we have can be sustained

One of us will smile, the other will wink

We won't entertain debates of dreams that didn't remain

Because time only passes unseen if you stop to blink

And after one million heartbeats of this blissful joy

Maybe we will look up and welcome a sunset

We know an ending's only somber if it's unwelcomed deploy

And I'll leave utopia with your heart and without regret

So when the people ask how we wasted away but never lost our smile

I'll tell them "better a wasted version of us than a celebrated lie"