#and it ended up being a pretty bad experience
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Gender liberation, in the end, is not a war between the good group and the bad. It is a collective struggle against the laws, cultural norms, social rules, and institutional policies that restrict all people, and uses rigid gendered categories to keep us so restricted.
I think if we are going to be able to move forward in this fight, trans men must abandon the notion that other men are fundamentally the “bad” gender — and that we don’t belong to that category because of our transness. We must embrace manhood as a state of both strength and profound lostness, an immense liability as much as it is a source of gender euphoric joy, and see the frustrated wanderings of other marginalized masculine people as of a piece with our own.
And so, in the interest of helping us all find our way to each other, here are some of the major struggles that trans men and cis men have in common:
Gender Dysphoria
Many people believe the experience of having gender dysphoria is something like having a phantom limb, or seeing the wrong image in the mirror, but that’s rarely true.
For a lot of trans people, gender dysphoria feels more like a maddening insecurity about how we look and how we are being perceived that seems to know no satisfaction, a mental itching that wanders all across our bodies, our faces, down our throats, across our hairlines, and even all over our clothes. It’s the uncertain sense we are not being ourselves correctly, an out-of-placeness that makes our very being feel like it has no right to exist.
Gender dysphoria is not caused by having the “wrong” gendered brain for one’s body (the notion of “male” and “female” brains is a myth), nor is it a mental illness afflicting only trans people. Rather, gender dysphoria is a pretty sensible trauma response to society’s unrelenting and coercive gendering. All people are categorized as a gender, assigned rules, and threatened with becoming less of a person should they fail to measure up. This means that even cisgender people can experience the terror of feeling that they’ve failed to enact their gender correctly and make themselves socially acceptable— a sensation that often gets called “gender dysphoria.”
I think I first realized that cis people could be gender dysphoric when the actress Amanda Bynes revealed she had tumbled into a major depressive episode after watching herself portray a male character in the comedy She’s the Man. The disturbance she felt from watching herself enact the “wrong” gender sounded exactly like how I felt back when I looked in the mirror at myself as a “woman.”
In 2019, when Jason Derulo complained about his bulge being removed with CGI for his role in the film Cats, I was reminded once again that cis people can feel utterly, dysphorically wrong in their bodies or how they are perceived. Each year, millions of cis people spend thousands of dollars on breast augmentations, jaw implants, hair plugs, and leg-lengthening surgeries, at least in part for gender dysphoric reasons, and if you’ve worn both male and female clothing before, you’ve likely recognized how much of the tailoring of garments is done to deliberately accentuate or even manufacture the gendered features of a person’s shape.
Cis people feel ill-at-ease in their bodies, and fail to measure up to gender normative standards too. That’s how artificially constructed and harshly enforced these standards really are.
In recent years, I’ve spent a good amount of time in gay male bathhouses. When I reveal this fact, even to other gay men, I’m sometimes met with confessions of deep bodily insecurity. The idea of being nude in a highly gendered sexual marketplace often causes people’s worst gendered fears to bubble up.
“I could never go to a place like that,” one cis gay man in his forties confessed to me. “My dick is too small. Nobody would ever want to look at me.”
“I wouldn’t fit in there,” said another cis man, a short, effeminate type with long flowing hair. “They might think I was a girl and kick me out or harass me.”
These men knew, of course, that I don’t have a penis, and can be mistaken for a woman from some angles. And I had just told each of them I’d never had any problem visiting the sauna. Yet they couldn’t shake the sense that I was doing manhood correctly enough, and they were somehow doing it wrong. Despite ostensibly being “cis,” they weren’t quite sure that manhood as a category could hold them as they really were — not when they were nude and vulnerable, surrounded by their idea of the proper man.
Of course, having been in these spaces frequently, I could have told them that nobody there is the “proper” kind of man at all. There’s just regular human beings in there — with sunken chests, stretch marks, amputated limbs, multi-layered bellies, rounded backs, tiny hands, and eye patches.
Over the years, cis men have shared dozens of gender dysphoric insecurities with me, about everything from the width of their shoulders to the length of their eyelashes to the way they hold a can of beer. And in some of the sections below, we will explore more specific examples, because these sources of dysphoria mirror trans men’s almost exactly. But it’s important to establish first that the major commonality across both groups of men is our fear we’re not being men correctly at all.
Every man, I believe, grapples with the disjoint between their actual, complex human selves and the strong, built, stoic, powerful, masculine image that has been pushed upon us. And we fear living up to that standard because the consequences of that failure can be so harsh — these norms are quite violently imposed.
Failing to be a man, in some sense, is what being a man actually means. We are united in the precarity of our position, as powerful as it is. A man in a tank-top with a bald spot sitting beside a lush pond. Photo by Beth Macdonald on Unsplash
Hair Insecurities
“I wish I could grow a full beard so that I could pass better,” says Topher, a trans guy with long hair in his mid-twenties. “But I’m realizing that cis men with long hair get misgendered often too.”
Dunmer, a bisexual trans guy, echoes this experience. “In this one chemistry class a few years ago, both me and this cis guy got called ma’am by a professor. I’m a rather effeminate/androgynous dude, but I have prominent facial hair. And the other guy who got misgendered was pretty masculine, but had long hair and was clean shaven. We both just kinda looked at each other and shrugged after it happened.”
I’ve found that numerous cis and trans men harbor deep insecurities about their hair — where it’s growing, where it doesn’t, how it looks on their bodies, and where they might be losing it. It may sound like a frivolous subject at first blush, but hair is integral to gendered perceptions, as well as how others view our sexual attractiveness, race, and age.
Trans men worry frequently about potential hair loss on T for more aesthetic reasons. I’ve known numerous trans masculine people who have avoided starting hormones because they’ve feared eventually going bald and becoming “less attractive.” And in this we aren’t alone, as 52 billion dollars gets spent each year (by people of all genders) on hair loss prevention treatments.
“It’s helped me to realize that cis men are also scared of going bald,” says Topher. “When I worry about something gender-wise, I ask myself if cis men deal with what I deal with, and it’s helped me settle into my identity more.”
Cis and trans men also share complicated feelings about body hair. Though being covered in a dark blanket of fuzz certainly reads as “masculine,” male beauty standards for the last several decades have eschewed hairiness in favor of a the glistening, action-figure-y look. Trans and cis men alike often fear that hair sprouting on their backs will make them unattractive, or that growing a “neckbeard” will be seen as slovenly. And it’s no coincidence that hairiness has often been linked with fatness and being racialized in many people’s minds — the uncontrolled proliferation of hair is often cast as animalistic, unclean, disgusting, less than human.
But some men have sought refuge from such punishing standards within the gay Bear community.
“I have never felt more welcomed in my masculinity than I have around other bears,” says Kody, a trans male bear. “I’m literally growing in my manhood — getting bigger, hairier, louder, taking up more space. While being really soft and tender too.”
I wrote about the many struggles that unite trans and cis men, and how a deep appreciation for our commonalities is essential to the fight for gender liberation. You can read the full piece for free, or have it narrated to you by the Substack app, at drdevonprice.substack.com.
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Beware for Owl House fans of the user @Daystarvoyage (Homophobic/General Harassment)
This user also goes by "Daystarcosplay" on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube. It is important you block them on every single one.
Despite claiming to be a "TOH Critic", their main problem with the show is the inclusion of LGBT characters. Homophobia is not criticism.
They have been going around harassing anyone who posts something TOH-related they don't like whether it be a ship (specifically going after gay ships, most notably Lumity) or an opinion. And will go on to stalk and harass their victims on every other social media after being blocked.
I first encountered this user after posting this artwork
They insisted that Luz should have ended up with Hunter and not a girl. After I told them no, they proceeded to harass me. (Tumblr deletes dms after blocking someone, but I still took some screenshots at the time)
They sent me hate fanfiction they wrote of TOH's creator Dana Terrace being harmed, and rants about how she is a bad writer for having Luz in a relationship with another girl, and including gay/trans people in general.
After blocking them, they immediately went after me on Twitter and Instagram (within the same hour of blocking them)
When I posted about this publicly, others came foward to tell me they were harassed by this person on every social media as well. And other shippers of Luz and Hunter expressing bad experiences with this person.
Though I was sent hate fanfiction this user wrote of Dana Terrace, they sent others smut fanfiction they wrote of Hunter raping Luz. Particularly under Pride Month posts.
Most recently they went after and stalked another artist this past month, last messaging them on New Years
From my experience and hearing others, it seems like the common pattern this user goes on about when harassing someone is ranting about how much they hate Dana Terrace, how she's a terrible writer, complaining about the show being "woke" (having gay characters), Luz ending up with another girl instead of Hunter, Luz not being feminine/pretty enough, weird rants about their personal life, and claiming the person who they are harassing "started it" and is the toxic fan.
By how immature and bad their writing is, you may think this is a child, but unfortunately not. (Also yes English is their first language, revealed to me during thier rant about their personal life) Many of their harassment messages include ranting about "this generation" being too sensitive and calling their victims "kid/brat" as an insult.
Also, in a post they made defending villain characters like Belos and Odalia, they said those two were demonized for being an adult. Just like how THEY are demonized for being an adult by gen z apparently.
It's best if you block them now before they interact with you first, as they have started making alt accounts.
#the owl house#owl house#toh#lumity#luz noceda#beware#reblog to spread the word#etc etc#i swear if more homophobic idiots defend this person
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I think this is the reason why I like Stolitz so much.
I went through something like this in my relationship. We have healed and improved by being together, I became more confident and open, with less fear of intimacy, and my partner has overcome a lot of his self hate. I haven’t heard him saying how much he hates himself for years, those days look almost unreal for me now seeing how much everything changed. For the good.
The begging of my relationship was very messy, I was over the edge all the time, was jealous and possessive. My partner had crises of depression and anxiety. Those were very hard days, and our mutual support was everything to us. In my case, none of this issues came before the relationship, so there was no way I could heal before entering it, it surprised me in a very bad way… romantic relationships were my trigger because of my fears of being not enough and my insecurity about them, it was my first romantic experience, so I felt I never had been attractive to anyone else and that at the end I wasn’t going to be. Without his support, kindness and understanding I would have never healed that.
Something important to add to this discussion is that this mindset also afects real life people, and this is way worse than a discussion for a show. I felt that the rest of people saw me as a toxic influence for my partner at the time, their friends started liking our relationship and ended up hating me at that time. That was a huge punch for me, bc none of them knew how hard I was trying to change and be better and how I was finally conscious about my issues after a friend talked to me… I think the hardest part of all of it is that during that experience I felt like a bad person, like a monster, and for some time I couldn’t take that idea from my mind that I was this monster, and I think that made my healing harder because I constantly punished myself for not being able to be who I needed to be.
This is why I wish more people would be open to understand the chaos that Stolas and Blitz are, because some of us don’t start relationships being super healthy. A lot of us are full of traumas and being like this doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve to be in romantic relationships. We can heal, and be happier with ourselves after that process.
I like how messy their story is; because sometimes we are pretty messy and that doesn’t make their relationship doomed. It depends on them and their ability to change for it to work, and if they make it work they will end up being better people at the end. Their relationship can flourish if both of them are able to overcome their failures with the support of the other.
Besides, the important thing is that they are both trully try to improve. An abuser doesn’t care about the damage done, and even if they say that will change they don’t trully try to do it because they will always use the abuse to manipulate.
Messy but Meaningful: Challenging Pop Psychology’s Unrealistic Expectations of Relationships in Fandom Spaces
By Crushbot 🤖 and Human Assistant 💁🏽♀️
The growing tendency in fandom spaces to apply pop-psychology frameworks to fictional relationships—such as Blitz and Stolas’s relationship in Helluva Boss—often oversimplifies the complexities of real-life human dynamics. While using psychological language to analyze media can deepen understanding, it can also lead to reductive and rigid interpretations of relationships. For the sake of argument, if Blitz and Stolas were real people, the expectation that both must be fully healed, emotionally stable, and entirely self-assured before engaging in a relationship reflects an unrealistic and idealized view of mental health and interpersonal growth.
The Myth of Complete Healing
One of the most common misconceptions in pop psychology is the belief that individuals must achieve complete emotional healing before they can engage in healthy relationships. This idea, while well-meaning, is rooted in an overly simplistic view of personal development. From a psychological perspective, healing and self-improvement are ongoing processes. Life circumstances, relationships, and personal challenges continually shape and reshape our mental and emotional landscapes.
Attachment theory, for example, suggests that relationships can be powerful arenas for healing. According to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment dynamics are formed in early childhood but can be reshaped in adulthood through secure and supportive relationships. Blitz’s and Stolas’s relationship, though imperfect, demonstrates how mutual care and connection can provide opportunities for growth. Stolas’s willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and Blitz’s gradual acceptance of his feelings suggest that their bond is helping each of them confront their emotional barriers, even if they’re not “finished” healing.
Relationships as Sites of Growth
Instead of requiring complete emotional stability as a prerequisite for relationships, many psychological frameworks view relationships as places where healing and growth can occur. In Helluva Boss, Blitz and Stolas’s dynamic reflects this principle. Their relationship, while messy and fraught with misunderstandings, provides opportunities for them to confront their vulnerabilities and develop healthier patterns of intimacy.
This idea aligns with Carl Rogers’s humanistic approach to psychology, which emphasizes the importance of relationships in fostering self-actualization. Rogers argued that empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard are key ingredients for personal growth—and these qualities often emerge in relationships. While Blitz and Stolas struggle with these elements at times, their efforts to connect and communicate demonstrate a willingness to grow together.
The Role of Imperfection in Relationships
Pop-psychology discourse often pathologizes imperfection, labeling any relationship that involves conflict, miscommunication, or emotional baggage as “toxic.” However, conflict is not inherently harmful; it’s how individuals navigate and resolve conflict that determines the health of a relationship. Psychologist John Gottman’s research on marital stability highlights that even successful relationships involve conflict. The difference lies in whether partners approach disagreements with respect, empathy, and a willingness to repair after mistakes.
In the context of Blitz and Stolas, their struggles with power dynamics, vulnerability, and communication do not automatically render their relationship toxic. Rather, their willingness to acknowledge and address these issues—such as Stolas’s attempts to give Blitz more autonomy with the Asmodean crystal or Blitz’s growing emotional openness—suggests a dynamic that is evolving toward greater mutual understanding.
Realistic Expectations for Healing and Change
The expectation that adults must be fully healed and self-assured before entering relationships also neglects the reality that personal growth often occurs within relationships. Social learning theory emphasizes how individuals learn and adapt through observation and interaction. Relationships serve as a mirror, reflecting areas for growth and offering opportunities to practice new behaviors. For Blitz, his interactions with Stolas force him to confront his fear of vulnerability and his tendency to self-sabotage. For Stolas, being with Blitz challenges his understanding of intimacy and forces him to step beyond his royal privilege to engage in genuine emotional connection.
It’s also worth noting that personal growth is non-linear. Progress often involves setbacks, missteps, and moments of doubt. Relationships do not have to be perfect to be worthwhile or beneficial. The process of working through challenges together can strengthen bonds and foster deeper connection.
Rejecting Pop-Psychology Absolutism
The pop-psychologization of fandom spaces often reduces complex dynamics to overly rigid binaries: healthy/unhealthy, secure/insecure, toxic/healing. While these frameworks can offer insights, they risk ignoring the nuance of real-life relationships. Humans are messy, imperfect, and constantly evolving—and so are their relationships. Holding fictional characters (or real people) to unrealistic standards of emotional perfection perpetuates an unhelpful narrative that growth must be completed in isolation, rather than as a collaborative process.
Blitz and Stolas exemplify the idea that relationships can be messy but meaningful. They are imperfect individuals navigating their own traumas and insecurities, yet they are also actively working toward better understanding themselves and each other. This dynamic reflects a more realistic and compassionate view of relationships, one that acknowledges growth as a shared journey rather than a prerequisite for connection.
Conclusion
Expecting individuals to achieve complete healing before engaging in relationships is both unrealistic and at odds with what we know about human development. Relationships, particularly those marked by care and effort, can serve as powerful spaces for growth, healing, and transformation. Blitz and Stolas’s evolving bond in Helluva Boss illustrates this beautifully, showing that imperfection does not preclude progress. By challenging the rigid expectations of pop psychology, we can embrace a more nuanced understanding of relationships—both fictional and real—that values growth, vulnerability, and the shared journey of becoming better together.
#stolitz#vivziepop#helluva boss#helluva boss meta#pop psychology#so many stolitz should never be together because it’s toxic takes#apparently no one can date until they go to therapy?
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Trigun Cuddles
Because I am ill and depressed and I would like my blorbos to hold me about it. (Literally I am in the middle of the worst cold of my fucking LIFE right now but I persist. Somehow.)
Also it’s kinda wild that it’s taken me this long to write anything for Trigun considering it’s taken over my life entirely since I finished watching TriStamp a while back? So here's me trying to rectify that.
TW/CWs: Written with no definitive versions of these characters in mind (except Knives/Nai) but my clearest point of reference is TriStamp, probably overly sappy in places because I’m allowed it as a treat, pretty romantic in tone because I’m Normal, barely proofread.
Likes and Reblogs appreciated, RQs are open, it’s all under the cut! (If anyone sends me a Trigun request I will kiss you on the mouth /p)
I’m experimenting with layouts, too. What do you guys think?
🥀 Vash the Stampede
Please hold him he has been through so much and he deserves it—
Triple S-Tier fucking cuddler. I will not be convinced otherwise, he’s just the perfect shape for it.
He’ll lay down first and let you move him however you want him so you’re comfy first. Partially does this because of his chronic need to people please and partially because he’s slept in so many weird positions over the years that he genuinely doesn’t mind if it means he gets to hold you.
If you ask, though, his favorite position is any one that makes it easy to put his face against your neck. He just wants to be close.
Being a Plant means he’s, by default, very cool to the touch, I think. Vash is a Well Ventilated King like that—
Also if you let him I think he’ll sneak little kisses sometimes. They never last more than a second or two, but this is what happens when you’re in smoochin’ distance!!
He has dreams most nights, so that means a bit of sleep-talking and mumbling, but if you pet his hair he usually calms down, nuzzling in closer and giving you a little squeeze about it.
🍭 Nicholas D. Wolfwood
Another man who desperately needs a cuddle.
I think he takes a bit more convincing than Vash, though. Like Vash’ll drop everything to give you a hug but Nico is, ironically enough, more of a cat about it. You gotta let him come to you, y’know?
But if you do it’s really nice. He wants to be as close as possible, because he cares a lot and he trusts you, but he’s bad at saying it and this is a good way to make up for all the silence.
He’s strong and you can feel it, but he’s careful. He never crushes you, he's just got you tight so you’re up against his chest all night.
Also this man is a radiator. Blankets are not recommended when cuddling with him because you will wake up in a sea of your own sweat—
He can also be a bit of an asshole about his scruff. He knows it’s rough like the rest of him, but he’s less sorry about it than his calloused hands so guess who’s gonna be on the receiving end of some scratchy-ass nuzzles!!!
He doesn’t sleep-talk, but he does snore, so sometimes you gotta roll him over into a new position to spare yourself the sound.
📸 Meryl Stryfe
Augh... Meryl.... Underrated queen...
I feel like cuddling is not that hard of a sell for her, especially since Gunsmoke nights are cold as shit. And it's compounding with Meryl being one of those people with "feel how cold my hands are" circulation.
Probably gonna have to ask people to donate blankets to The Cause, but hey!! You'll be like two caterpillars sharing a cocoon by the end of the night, and isn't that what it's all about?
Also you're probably gonna want to make sure that cocoon is wrapped up tight because Meryl kicks in her sleep. Not hard, I don't think, but you can definitely feel it in any dreams you have--
Thankfully though, she's very quiet. No sleep-talking, no snoring (usually,) just. A Lotta Movement unless you're holding her especially tight.
I think she's very versatile when it comes to cuddling positions, though. Like some nights she wants to be held and then the next night she wants to be the one doing the holding.
And I'm very firmly of the belief that Meryl is the type to pack pjs whenever she goes somewhere. So like, with Vash and Wolfie you're going to have to deal with various states of undress, Meryl has a really cute, soft two-piece set of pjs.
💼 Milly Thompson
That's right!!! She's here too!!! I felt the need to include this sweetheart even though she's probably the main character I know the least about (one day I will finish '98 and Maximum, this I swear--)
Vash and Meryl being Well Ventilated Royalty 🤝 Nico and Milly being Human Shaped Hot Water Bottles--
Unlike Wolfie though, I think Milly is a much more comfortable heat. Like you can still have a light blanket over the two of you and be okay.
Also low-key I think Milly is objectively the best cuddler in this bunch. She came from a family with like a million kids, she's probably very used to sharing a bed while still being comfortable.
Like if you just tell her how you're the most comfortable she has the position down to a science. It's an observed science, but a science nonetheless!!!
If you ask her what she likes, though, the gal just wants to be cradled. She wants to feel precious and protected, damnit!!
Similar to Meryl, I think she has pajamas packed, and hers is this really long, comfy nightgown that feels really nice to hang on to.
🔪 Millions Knives / Nai
No. [Gets up from my desk]
[I am forcibly placed back in front of my computer] Alright, alright! Jesus Christ, look-- I can play in the space, but truly, down to my core, I feel like there is no way in hell Nai would go down for a cuddle on anyone else's terms. Just like. Idk. "Don't cuddle with this knife pervert" or whatever BDG said in that Polygon Mortal Kombat video I love so much.
Vash and Meryl are Well Ventilated. Nai is fucking freezing. Like the only temperature comfortable way to do this is for you to channel the thickest burrito you have ever seen and pray that's enough blankets.
You get. Maybe an arm out of this trade deal. At least at first. He already went out of his way to get you nice blankets, and you want more? In this economy he's trying to run into the ground??? Humans are so selfish! (He is doing all this complaining while hoisting you and your blankets' mass over to his side of whatever horizontal surface you have claimed as a bed--)
Aside from whatever limb he has on you, I just. I don't think he even sleeps. Like it turns more into a Forced Meditation for him where he just lays on his back and stares at the ceiling while you relax/get some z's.
The Weird Space Onesie Stays ON During Sex Cuddles.
Maybe. Maybe. If he likes you enough... You get to spend a cuddle session swaddled up in that spaceman-ass security blanket jacket/hood/whatever-it-is he wears.
#Rosie Writes#Trigun#Trigun Stampede#Vash the Stampede#Nicholas D. Wolfwood#Meryl Stryfe#Milly Thompson#Millions Knives#Nai#Trigun Headcanons#Trigun Fluff#Trigun x Reader#Vash x Reader#Wolfwood x Reader#Meryl x Reader#Milly x Reader#Nai x Reader#Millions Knives x Reader
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Just caught up with a phenomenal Jujutsu Kaisen whump fic and holy shit, I highly recommend it. It's nearly done, but it didn't end on a cliffhanger, so you can enjoy it as is.
It's called Abnormalize, and it's about a medical facility run by Sukuna and Kenjaku, where they "acquire" children with magic/sorcery abilities and put them through horrific tests and experiments for research. I say "acquire" because the kids are usually sold to the institute by their own families out of fear.
The experiments aren't necessarily graphic; they're not like removing organs or whatever, but they ARE violent. What grips me is how well the author describes pain and panic. I had to pause so many times while reading it.
My favorite part of the fic (and why I was able to get through such a heavy subject matter) was the relationship dynamics between the characters. There's a few ships implied, but it's pretty much a Gen fic in that it doesn't focus on (light) romance until much later. It does have a ton of Found Family, which I love.
I generally don't read a lot of whump (whump is basically "everything bad happens to this character") because it can often be gratuitous and heavy-handed, but that's not the case here, plus the warm moments in this fic are worth the horrors. Do heed the tags, though, especially because these kids are truly being abused here, in the name of "science".
If you read it, let me know what you think, PLEASE 🙏🏼
#Abnormalize#Jujutsu Kaisen#jjk fics#fic recs#itafushi#satosugu#nanago#nobamaki#inuokko#gojo satoru#geto suguru#getou suguru#nanami kento#itadori yuuji#fushiguro megumi#kugisaki nobara#sukuna ryomen#mahito#kenjaku#ao3 recs#cathlean
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there’s a trend going on on tiktok rn where everyone’s posting their AP art portfolios + their themes and it’s making me so salty. not bc any of them are bad, but bc when i took AP art (for one semester lmao) my art teacher gave us SO MANY STUPID guidelines that our topic had to fit into. i can’t rly remember what they were but our topics had to be super complicated and unique and have all these underlying meanings to it…… but some people ive seen on tiktok had like complete freedom with that and it makes me so mad😭 i feel like i would have actually enjoyed that class and not dropped halfway through if i could have picked whatever topic i wanted instead of what my teacher wanted us to do. she was also strict with what mediums and styles we were allowed to draw in 😐 no digital, no linework, nothing “stylized”, had to be realism. and honestly my portfolio sucked bc of that lmao i HATE art teachers who put so many dang restrictions on their students because they want stuff done “their way”!!! like where is the fun in that!!!!
#i liked my art teacher in hs and she liked me#but the more i look back on her classes#the more i realize how restrictive they were#and it makes me not feel bad for dropping AP w/o telling her lmao#like i didn’t even sign up for AP she just. signed me up herself#i knew i didn’t want to go to college for art so there was no real point in me taking AP#and it ended up being a pretty bad experience#but oh well#i’ve really enjoyed seeing everyone else’s portfolios on tiktok tho#everyone is so talented#sly rambles
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my capacity to see a bad fandom take and just blithely say 'okay! I disagree' internally and move on because it's not my responsibility or concern that someone else thinks that has leveled up so tremendously over the years. I haven't quite escaped the pit of misery yet but I think I'm getting there
#the ability to say to oneself 'it's okay if you don't agree with me'#(and possibly adding a quiet bitchy 'I can't force you to be right' at the end if you're annoyed enough lol)#at seeing a bad take without ever internalizing it any deeper than that... indispensible.#if someone is really unpleasantly vitriolic or reactive about it I'll just block and move on. and never think about them again#a gift for me and for them I'm sure! but as long as people are being civil I'm getting pretty good at just going 'alright.#I think you're wrong but it's your prerogative to think that. away from me preferably but still'#when I was younger I always felt like a more negative take must be more valid/see something I didn't but over time (and a lot of therapy)#that kneejerk self-doubt is a lot easier to get through. sometimes. people are wrong! to me and my experience. and that's alright#if nothing else understand your own limitations in ever changing someone's mind for them and let it go lol#when I feel the real badfeels at a shitty take now I know it's just because I'm tired and threadbare and need to sleep haha#sometimes mental health progress is sooooo... boring and low-key but also brings so much relief#like doing admin work up here. *sees something so dumb I feel dizzy* file that shit under 'not my problem' and move on chief
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one of my favorite senarios to imagine to put yukio in is sending him 10 years into the future (with the exwires usually) and everyone from their class are like chill adults including himself working their boring ass exorcist job and hes trying to assert dominance over them as the teacher™ but they're all like bro why so serious?
#somehow in my future au i accidently made only the boys active exorcists im so sorry to all the women in aoex#they all passed but i think shiemi and izumo would leave to persue other passions but still be in ajacent fields#like shiemi still runs her exorcist shop#idk what izumo does maybe she still is an exorcist but shes on leave trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life#cuz so much of her adolescence was focused vengence for her family i think she would be kinda lost as an adult#ive said this a bunch of times but rin isnt actually an exorcist for the same reason izumo isnt#ive been kinda muddy on my own timeline but either he passed and left or he dropped out of school and ran away#i think hes like an independent demon slayer like a contract worker#so he still is basically an exorcist but not sanctioned by the vatican like as part of a mercenary guild or something#but he can still take exorcist missions if he wants to but usually its not worth it so he just helps out yukio or bon on their missions#i think after being a literal terrorist yukio got demoted and lost his license for a bit so hes still the same rank as he is now#but now hes medicated and he went to therapy#he has like no memory of highschool to almost a concerning degree and hes generally pretty muted but is still well liked#bon had a completely normal exorcist experience against all odds actually so did koneko except koneko went back to the myoda#and then shima got scouted for his amazing spy skills and works overseas#sorry shima ur not allowed to be an idol that might be the trigger for the bad end#anyway i think teen yukio would hate adult yukio because he thinks hes not allowed to be normal and happy#this is like the 4th time ive made this post like i said its one of my favorites#the reverse is rin going to the past and like tutoring the exorcist class#nobody wants to do yukio psychoanalysis but me so i gotta step up to the plate#jk theres a lot of good yukio fanfics#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura
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sometimes you'll meet a person you've loved for so long, and then they will tell you they haven't felt the same about you. And you'll question them and gain so much clarity, that the love flies straight out of the window.
some people are meant to be lovers. some best friends. some good friends. some...just friends.
you think you were meant to be something more, but then you realise that you are only compatible in one way. there's nothing beyond that. and that's also not bad. it's not a downgrade, it's what's meant to be.
#i took someone seriously and i ended up falling for them badly lmao#turns out they like me and admire me but don't feel anything more.#i thought they'd confessed to me before but they'd meant things CASUALLY#the moment i heard that i was enlightened#now i'm pretty sure there is no universe that we are meant to be and i'm happy about that#nahi chahiye aise lovers bc#'casual' small talk friends ab naya label hai humara. it's not bad#it's just very gen z#but i'm at peace and so are they - win/win?#i'm not going to be someone on the backburner anymore so i'm happy#play hard feelings by lorde#i will enjoy life knowing there are so many different dynamics i am yet to experience w people#desiblr#being desi
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2024 reads / storygraph
Life Underwater
adult contemporary
about a man navigating his relationship with his partner after they move in together, having never been interested in relationships before; as well as bigoted people questioning their relationship, (as he's Muslim with a younger white partner)
along with dealing with the fact that his partner is a with a marine biologist - and he’s extremely hydrophobic due to trauma, but wants to find a way to be involved in what his partner is so passionate about
trans grey-aro ace MC, nonbinary LI
#life underwater#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#aromantic books#asexual books#I enjoyed this overall!#great exploration of a aromantic mc with one exception; as well as a sex repulsed asexual in a relationship with an allo#in the midst of so many demi-aspec romance books where the demi character is like I haven’t felt attraction before#or been in a relationship but i WANT to and I’ve never felt HAPPY/RIGHT about my aspecness etc etc it’s so refreshing to have a#arospec character that’s like yeah I was secure in being aroace but then this one person changed things#but if this didn’t work out I probably wouldn’t seek it out again#(though being aro-spec-ace rather than allo-demi is part of the reason for the difference)#(obviously the former is something that people experience. it’s just. i get it! every demi book! okay!)#(anyway. this felt like a breath of fresh air in that regard)#I think the structure of the narrative is a bit strange - it’s very slow to start#and sort of deals with some stuff in the first half and then completely different stuff in the second; and also honestly after the build up#I expected it to deal more in depth with him actually dealing with the phobia. but then it just sort of ends#I am also hesitant about a book by a white author (pretty sure) that has a Muslim MC that deals with racism/islamophobia#- I don’t think there was anything bad about it specifically….. it’s just i would usually not pick up Books By White Authors#Exploring Racism over a book by a Muslim author. i mean obviously this is a very small selfpub book so like whatever I guess.#just as a note.
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oh freckle, freckle⠁.. what makes you so s p e c i a l?
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH#IM SORRY THIS SONG DOES SO MANY BAD THINGS TO ME#other than the metal style cover / weezers sweet dreams r made of these / poppunk dancing queen this is THERMBADBIHTHEMESONG#THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS IS THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SONG BITCH#like OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES U SO SPECIAL#HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO#MY HEARTS IN HEAVEN MY SOLES ARE HEEEEEELLLLL LETS ME IN THE PURAGATORY OF MY HIPPPPPPPPPPPPPS#AND GET WELL ;)))))))#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HYYYYYYYHHHH BITCH#I KNOW THIS WAS A SPICY GREENHOUSE MAKEOUT SONG I AM SCREAMING VERY LOUD IN MY HEAD RN#*jerseykyle vc* i'm gonna ( leave you ) I'm Gonna TEACH you#HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL NOOOOOO#IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII KNOOOOOOOOOOOO IT WAS GOING *NEW PERSPECTIVE VC* DOOOOOOOOWN DOWN DOooOOWWN#ALSO WAITER ARTIST MODEL SINGER IS LITERALLY CDS WHOLE EXPERIENCE TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS#SPECIFICALLY RAVENSTAN GOING FROM WAITERING AT CHEFS RESTURANT TO COCKTAIL WAITERING AT RUFFIANS#MAKING MUSIC ON THE SIDE AND BASICALLY BEING A SOLD OUT TO THAT WHOLE CLUB AND BEING PUNK ROCK#~SUPERMODELITBOY~ AND ET TENS WHOLE BRAND AND HIS LIL PLAYTHING AND BEING A SINGER BUT...GOD...WAS IT WORTH IT????? WAS. IT. WORTH. IT.#DONT TALK TO ME HIS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC MAKES ME MISERABLE HE JUST WANTED TO SING#AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! YOURE RAVEN YOURE NO ONES DAUGHTER MIDNIGHT SUN BUT YOUR WINGS ARE STILL CLIPPED; YOU CANT FLY#YOU SING BUT IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS! COVER BOY ON THE PAGE! A PACIFIST AND ALL THE RAGE!! ALL THE WORLDS A STAGE#BUT GOLD OR NOT; AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS JUST A CAGE PRETTY BIRD - AND YOU BUILT IT YOURSELF BABY!!! YOU! BUILT! IT! YOURSELF! BARS BItcH#thats my son My Son mY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOON it also has such a sexcC nitelub jerseykyle back beat hEEEEELLLO#i could talk about this for such a long time i LOVE this song#*jk having going crazy but divine intervention on his bathroom floor after a bad stan episode and ed episode head on toliet vc*#MAMA? IF WE DONT TAKE THE MEDICATION...WE WONT SLEEP FOR DAYS? MAMA...IF WE PRAY TO THE LORD#DOES HE SING ON STAGE?????? oOOOOOOOOOOUGH IM SICK AND I KNOW HES SEEING STARS AND SMILES AND PRETTY EYES AND UGLY LAUGHES#AND A BOY HE HASNT SEEN IN YEARS BUT HE SEES EVERYDAY OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH IM SICK#I WANT TO BE GOLDEN IN YOUR MEMORY!!!!!!!! SIIIIIIIICK!!! SICK AND FUCKING TWISTED!!!!! SHUT UP AAAAAaAAAAaA#IM IN HELL jk swirling his drink trying to look uninterested *after party fb vc* watching rstan work the room like#oh freckle freckle what makes You so special? and then raven waves and winks at him and trips bc hes an idiot and jk is like AAAAAA SIIIIIC
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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Saw a poll asking which fast food I'd give up for a week for a million dollars, and it's like I'd give up fucking food for a week for that price, there's literally nothing that wouldn't be on the chopping block when it's giving it up for a week
Not to mention I already barely have fast food once a month, and that's only if you count the costco pizza or burgers from the general store (which are more like backyard bbq style... like... the not great but not bad kind from a grill, you know?)
So... money please, I already won, pay me
#like I'm not even kidding about if I got it signed in a contract that I'd get paid; that I'd give up eating for a week for that much#pretty sure while it wouldn't be good for me I'd make it; and... that would only be like 7 less meals that week for an average week#I wouldn't be happy; I don't like being hungry (which is pretty much my forever state; I'm hungry as hell right now)#I know enough to know it would probably take a toll on me given the way I'll prowl the house over and over looking in vain for food#like it would be bad#but there's not a lot I wouldn't do for that kinda money; I'm not gonna pretend that a million isn't a price I can be bought at#basically no hurting anyone; nothing that would do permanent damage... really really gross stuff would cost more#but I don't pretend to have too much pride for this#if you're a sick freak with too much money hit me up and we can probably make a deal#anyway my real point in this post was just the fact that like... give up fast food for a week?#for that price I'd give it up for life; I lose at most costco pizza and perhaps food from the general store; though it isn't fast food#I don't like fast food much; it's already too pricey; you're paying me to do what I already want to do#and with that money I could hire someone to come to my house and teach me to cook#I could pay someone in town to get my groceries... it's a not brainer#hell; for like... mhh... ten million I'd never eat at a restaurant again; though there I'd like to negotiate exceptions to try stuff#like... make the deal that I can't go places regularly; and I can't loop hole this to just always be traveling#but that like if I travel to Japan or something I can try the restaurants there#...twenty five million and I never eat at any restaurant anywhere ever (I'd pay people to have me over for dinner)#one hundred million I never eat anyone's cooking again (I'd go to Japan for instance and pay someone to teach me to cook)#(have them eat with me to make sure I made it right; so I could experience it but no one else made it)#these are my prices#but for real; I never ever ever even go to restaurants; there's exactly one kinda high end pizza place I'd miss with that deal#and again... I'd just go in and pay someone to come help me figure out how to make it at home
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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I'm so disappointed I won't be able to immediately tune in on the twst update like usual 😭 I'm pretty sure this is the first time I won't be watching it right after it's up, and not only that, but my early morning obligation preventing me from enjoying the update is going to last FIVE hours 😭😭😭
#I'm going to get spoiled so hard tomorrow :')#hopefully nothing game changing comes with the update#I'm pretty sure there won't be anything crazy until the 2nd half#but there could be some sneak peak at the end of this update that will be further expanded next time and I am in DANGER#of getting majorly spoiled on whatever it is. maybe. if they do something like that lol#hopefully you know what I mean I think I am rambling nonsense but like. you know. how they showed gen vanrouges sprite#at the end of that one update and then next time we had the full war experience#it still sucked a little that I got spoiled on gen vanrouges sprite before getting to the end even if that wasn't the Full War Experience ;#but oh well#aghhhhh okay goodbye#actually pause my goodbye I have more words to ramble#I AM really excited for the savanaclaw update I think that's a nice thing about doing these deep psych dives of each dorm#it is fucking so bad with the pacing BUT if you just ignore the pacing issue then it's really nice how every character gets a chance#to be expanded on a LOT right now#like rook's dream?? absolute banger of a dream. It's so sweet that his deepest desire at heart is just to be a fanboy#and for his oshis to get along. Even if it means not being with Vil :')#he wants everyone to be at their most beautiful (healthy and loving and open-minded in their own unique way)#even if that means he himself ends up excluded from the picture!!!!#and it's so nice that we get that Rook Pack Expansion with these dreams#and I liked Jade's dream even if it was just for extremely silly reasons. I like that we now know his ass is not paying attention#to his loved ones LOL he is the number one floyd and azul mischaracterizer on ao3 I love that we know this now#Jamil and Kalim getting into a scrap fight was so desperately needed for their character arcs and I am so happy we got it#and with this in mind. I think no other dorm needs more character expansions and character arc movement for me to enjoy them more#than the savanaclaw boys. I'm just nooottt that into them as is 😔#but I WANT to like them and I am really hoping this update throws me something awesome that changes my view of them forever#and isn't just another 2 epel dreams with a vil dream at the end#(not that I didn't enjoy vil or epel's dreams and elements from them they just didn't add as much to their characters as I wanted ;;)#ok goodbye for real now bye
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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