#and is no less important or better than you.

[ms-demeanor]

I hate to say that, but in defense of homeopathy:

A lot of medicine is value projection and/or placebo. We give kids sparkly bandaids on minor abrasions not to help the symptoms or risks of infection, but so that the kid feels cared for.

We sometimes take daily medication not because it helps or we think we need it, but because our grandma raves all about this new cure-all that fixed all her issues.

We overindulge in paracetamol and ibuprofen even in the cases it clearly doesn't work because we need to feel like we took something that will help.

Homeopathy that tries to replace standard treatment is evil. But there is value in having a readily available, socially valued, thing you take when feeling bad, that does absolutely nothing.

In the 20s they just did heroin instead, it wasn't better.

So there's this thing called informed consent that is kind of super duper important and the use of placebo to treat illness is a major violation of informed consent.

Everybody likes the gifset from the Birdcage with the Aspirin with the A and the S scraped off because it's cute and funny, but it's cute and funny in a movie; if a "medical professional" is giving you sugar pills because they don't actually know how to treat you and want to offer you comfort instead, they're saying "you're too fucking stupid to handle the fact that you're ill so I'm going to hold your hand for a moment and hope that makes you feel better."

Your attitude is both fatalistic and tremendously paternalistic, and people with complex illnesses and chronic pain deserve to be treated better than kids getting a sparkly bandaid and a pat on the head.

People overuse painkillers because they're in pain; NSAIDs have effects, even if they aren't treating the root cause of pain, and people often take them because even though they won't stop a spasm, they'll make it less painful for a few hours and if that's what you've got, that's what you take.

The huge, regular doses of ibuprofen I used to take to help my migraines when I didn't have health insurance didn't stop the migraines, but they made it so I could work. What DID help was getting medically diagnosed with celiac disease and no longer triggering my autoimmune disorder on a daily basis.

You know what wouldn't have helped? A sympathetic listener and a sugar pill. Or worse, yet another sympathetic listener telling me about some fucking lead-contaminated turmeric supplement that cured their granny's headaches.

Shit on the heroin cures all you want, they at least included a legitimate cough suppressant and had a mechanism of action more effective than a patronizing lecture about how we've all got to get on somehow, so we might as well pretend we feel better.

Fuck your shitty, shitty attitude. Sick people deserve better than you.

[evieelyzabethh]

"awkward"

⭒"you look at me different, so i let you see my body"⭒ Arcane characters walking in on you changing (modern au!, pre-relationship) {fem!reader}

cast ✧ Vi, Ekko, Jayce

cw ☞ slightly suggestive for everyone, slightly pervy jayce + airheaded!reader

♞Vi♞

♞Shocker to no one, Vi doesn't often knock before she enters a room. It's a bad habit she keeps meaning to get better about, but with how often she hangs around your apartment, she thinks of it as her own place. Why would she knock to go into your room? She doesn't knock to enter her own bedroom, and yours is interchangeable to her. Besides, you've been friends for years, there really isn't much she could see that would surprise her. You used to bathe together for fucks sake, granted that was before either of you could speak and ended before your adolescent tongue had figured out how to properly pronounce the letter V, but still.

♞If not for her sake, at least for yours. The number of nights you'd thought your house was broken into only to find it was Vi in your kitchen making herself a sandwich was starting to get a bit ridiculous. It's not even like she's particularly stealthy, she really can't sneak around to save her life, but sometimes you really wonder about putting a bell around her neck.

♞You knew she was heading out before you got in the shower only because she shouted it through the door. You didn't hear much through the pressure of the water mixing with the music you had blasting, but you thought you heard the door shut faintly and that was enough to start your everything shower in what you thought was complete solitude. You thought you would've been met with empty air and the clothes you set out on your bed when you left the bathroom towel-less, but you were sadly mistaken. Vi, however, was pleasantly surprised.

You didn't notice her at first as she was on her knees on the opposite side of your bed, feeling around the floor with phone flashlight dimly lighting the dark space beneath your bed. The sound of the door shutting behind you gains her attention, her head popping up to see you...in front of her...naked. Your first instinct is to scream as you grab your clothes and try to figure out what's more important to cover. She sits there dumbfounded with her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide. "Violet!" You shout, wishing she would cover her eyes rather than her gaping mouth, but she is practically frozen until you shout her full name. "Violet?" It almost sounds foreign coming from your lips. Her brows furrow in confusion. Who's Violet? It doesn't help not much is happening behind those eyes. The lights are on, and no one is home. You could've called her Vi and she still would've been perplexed. "That is your name isn't it." Is it? It is! She's Violet, you're her best friend of years...naked and so very attractive and shit she's staring. She stands up quickly, maybe too quickly as she stumbles over her feet as she desperately tries to turn herself around or at least avert her gaze. "Yeah, but I only get the Violet treatment when I do something wrong. I didn't mean to catch you fresh out the shower." "You weren't supposed to be here. Didn't you say you were going to the gym or something!" Getting dressed is made infinitely harder while trying to avoid her gaze. You somehow managed to nearly put your pants on backwards during your struggle. "I mean I was but then I got hungry, so I made something to eat and then I remembered that I left my keys in here, so I came back for them." "And you didn't think to knock?!" The funny thing is, you had fantasized about this scenario before, but it's kinda like how dancing in the rain looks so much more fun in the movies than it feels in actuality. In a porno, yeah, this would be great. She'd throw you on the bed, you'd play coy before eventually confessing you had been waiting for this to happen, and the sound of fireworks in the distance would be covered by the sound of your headboard banging against the wall. You weren't prepared for this. You'd think that would make it hotter, but performance takes some preparation. Spontaneity needs at least the possibility of it happening, and as far as you knew she was hot, sweaty, and punching a sandbag half an hour away. "Please stop yelling at me with your tits out, I can't focus." You collect your bearings long enough to hook the closures on your bra and throw a shirt over your head, completely out of breath and exhausted. "Vi, I don't know why your keys would be in here. Last I saw them, they were on the couch." Her cheeks red, her eyes wide, and her lips pursed, she has a thought for the first time in the past ten minutes. Shit, I did leave my keys there. Not knowing how to leave the situation, she robotically walks to your door, her head down in shame as she mumbles apology after apology and doesn't breathe until the door shuts behind her. When she gets over the initial shock, she does have a bit of pep in her step for the rest of the day. To put it simply, she was given a joy that no one would be able to take from her for at least a month.

★Ekko★

★He thinks he's great at acting nonchalant after the fact, but he is in shambles. It's even worse that you weren't great friends beforehand. Like, if he was to say 'hello' of course you'd say it back, but it was really nothing more than that. Passing acquaintances who, at least for him, was desperately in love with the other to the point of roses, pearls, and unsent love letters.

★He's willing to admit it was completely his fault. You were close enough, or rather it was his way of flirting and trying to get closer to you, that he would swing by and use you as a recipe tester. You were just down the hall from him, practically neighbors, and what was more neighborly than brining by a plate of food every once in a while. He was still workshopping some dumpling recipe, unsure if he got the texture of the wrapper quite right, and he didn't give you any notice, figuring that if you were too busy you just wouldn't open the door for him. When he shows up and you open the door for him, looking as if you had just woken up, he's too distracted to listen to the words coming from your mouth to register that you just told him you were about to get in the shower and that you'd be out in a bit.

★He tentatively waits in your living room for a few minutes, hot plate growing lukewarm in his lap as he twiddles his thumbs on your couch when he hears a large bang come from your room. Being the chivalrous, brave young man Ekko is, he barges in without a second thought, immediately distracted by the sight of you completely topless. He freezes, but only for a moment, swinging the door closed and shouting 'I'm sorry!" from behind it as he basks in his shame on the couch.

It's been a week. A terrible, miserable week of sleepless nights and forced smiles and shame. A terrible week for Ekko that is, Scar finds it hilarious how often he fucks up his words to the point of silence. If the humiliation wasn't bad enough, he hasn't built the courage to even be seen by you. Any place possible to cross paths, in the downstairs lobby to get mail or on the stairs after a grocery trip, his usual dopey smile flashes by in an instant as he moves to duck his head. No 'hello', just the jingling of his keys in the lock and the slamming of his door. You think its endearing how embarrassed he is. It makes you feel even better about how embarrassed you are. Your friends had to have gotten sick of you by now with how often you think about it. "Do you think he saw...them?" you ask, the answer already in your head but you're hoping someone is going to feed your delusions or at least lie to you. "Girl, of course he saw them, he's a lovesick idiot, not blind." You hate how nonchalantly she says it, as if you haven't been crushing on this guy for weeks and him seeing your bare chest is just a normal Tuesday afternoon. "Well, then why hasn't he said anything since?" Because surely, he would. Right? And, believe me, he does want to say something. In his own apartment he's talking to his roommate, Scar, about it, forcing him to roleplay as you, which he does begrudgingly only so he can hold it over his head later. Not that Scar is any help, he does your voice all wrong and slaps him every time he starts to ramble. "Because he's too busy still thinking about it. I really don't know what you're so upset about. You gave him another reason to be obsessed with you." Yeah, and it's absolutely killing him. He feels gross, like some pervy teenage boy. Like a peeping tom! Ekko is a nice young man. He respects women! He doesn't even say the word 'bitch', and he knows that you're much more than your figure. His heart knows and his brain knows. His dick doesn't, but that doesn't matter!! When he decides to settle this once and for all, he is a complete wreck. His palms are sweaty, he spent more time than usual picking an outfit that screamed 'I'm not a pervy loser', he even got you flowers to make the apology really official. After standing at your doorstep for a few minutes to work up the nerve, he eventually knocks, slightly surprised when you answer the door as quickly as you do. You stare at each other for a few moments, flowers awkwardly thrust into your hands as he licks his lips and wipes the moisture of his hands onto his pants. "Hey, so I just wanted to apologize for a couple days ago when I totally accidentally and absolutely not on purpose at all caught you while changing. I heard a bang, and I went to go check it out and I wasn't thinking before I went in there which is totally my bad. I completely understand if you feel violated and if you would like you never have to see my face every again, but I really just wanted to come by and make it abundantly clear that I am not some gross creepy guy and I never wanted to make you uncomfortable and-" "Ekko?" He's so glad you stopped him when you did because he could feel himself going blue in the face from how fast he forced his words out. "It's cool. We're good." "We are?" If he wasn't standing right in front you, he may have just literally jumped for joy. "Yes, Ekko, it's ok. I was more concerned when you started avoiding me. I thought you were like grossed out or something." And he doesn't know how to respond. Something tells him that saying you have a nice rack is probably not the way to go. "NO! I mean, no I wasn't grossed out. If I may, you looked really pretty, not that I saw much anyway. Your towel covered the...important stuff. I just assumed you would want your space from me after that." "If I wanted space, I would've asked. I missed you." He could faint after hearing that. "Yeah, I missed you too."

❂Jayce ❂

❂His crush on you is starting to get really embarrassing, actually. He signs his notes with his first name and your last name, he's giving himself pep-talks in his foggy bathroom mirror, and the number of wet dreams is really starting to get out of hand. It's not like he hasn't imagined what you'd look like undressed before he sees it, on the contrary, some of those dreams are so realistic he gets confused when you don't acknowledge them.

❂He is starting to make progress, by which I mean he was convinced by Mel to start interacting with you like a normal human rather than staring at you from a far. He invites you over to his place, he gets invited to yours, to everyone but you it's very obvious that he's courting you. You don't think much of your walks around the gardens, your coffee shop meetups, or when he invites you to nice events. You think he's just another one of your friends.

❂Jayce knew you liked shopping, why else would you ask him to accompany you so often. At first, he thought it was your way of flirting with him, or at the very least your way of getting someone else to carry your bags, but everything is very platonic. Does it hurt it bit when he finds out you only ask him as a last resort when your girlfriends are unavailable, yeah, but he gets to join you in the changing room, so he doesn't have much of a problem with it.

You had been in this shopping mall for hours, or at least it felt that way. His feet hurt, there were rings starting to form on his arm from where he held your bags, he felt like he was getting a workout in from all the shoe boxes that were shoved into his arms. He could barely see what store he was being dragged into, only feeling the warmth of your hand wrap around his. It wasn't until an employee offered to take the load off him that he sees you're in yet another clothing store. What started as last minute Christmas shopping eventually became buying a whole new winter wardrobe. You had already gone through everyone on your list, including him. You forced him to wait outside of the store with his eyes closed as you asked the man behind the counter to wrap it for you and ship it to your address. He wishes you weren't so good at keeping secrets, because he certainly worked at getting it out of you before giving up after you switched the conversation topic for the umpteenth time. Now, he aimlessly walked around a few paces behind you, occasionally rubbing a piece of fabric between his fingers as you hop from rack-to-rack flitting through sizes and adding looping another hanger over your arm. Occasionally, you'll hold up a skirt or a top and ask his opinion on the color or whether or not they go together, to which he responds to the best of his ability. 'No, I think you should go with the other color; compliments your undertones better.' or 'I would go with the tighter skirt, the flowy one doesn't match the top'. He thinks he's gotten better at shopping with you. You used to look at him like he was crazy when he gave his opinion, but recently he's overheard one of your girlfriends say, you've trained him well. After thoroughly moving through all the displays, you make your way to the fitting rooms, going back and forth with attendant who gives him a death glare as he walks past. "The fitting rooms are only meant for one person." He knew what that tone meant. I don't get paid enough to clean cum out of those cubbies. "Oh, don't worry about it, he's just a friend." The man looks him up and down while Jayce stands there awkwardly, hands clasped together behind his back with a strained smile on his face. "Right..." And bless your heart because you are not picking up on his disgust or distrust that what you're saying is true. "Right! So, if you'll excuse us-" Jayce would look smugly back at the man but he knows exactly how honest you're being. He wishes you two were about to fuck back here, God know he's been thinking about on everyone one of these trips. Instead, he sits on the small wooden stool provided, half of him hanging off of it, as you close the door behind you and meticulously sort the clothes you picked out. He struggles on where to place his gaze as you strip nonchalantly, folding whatever you had on carefully and setting in on his bouncing thigh as he prays to whatever God there is that if he's already hard you're either to kind to say anything about it or too preoccupied to notice it. He's trying his best not to stare at how your tits fill out that bra, but with how long it's taking you to figure out the strappy shirt you picked out and how cramped the room is, of course his eyes naturally flit to them and stay there. By the time you figure it out, his eyes may as well be cartoonishly popping out of his skull. "What do you think?", you ask cheerfully, still playing with the straps and flattening out the fabric against your skin. "I like you." "Aw, I like you too, Jay; you have good taste in shoes. Now what about the top?"

[astroismypassion]

Relationship and Compatibility Takes 📍📍📍

Credit @astroismypassion

This is purely based on real life, more so astrology opinions about placements in the Natal chart, so don’t take things to heart.

📍 Cancer Venus men: What is up with them? I think this is one of the placements that is so misrepresented in astrology community. They act really impulsively based on emotion without careful reasoning or thinking of the long-term consequences. The clingy, emotionally mature and wise must be Cancer Venus women then. They are attracted to younger partners. Loves giving food as a gift, even for birthdays. Even when committed, they are not that incredibly loyal and devoted as often described, I’ve seen these people change partners fast or end a partnership on a whim. Also, minus points for not being as affectionate as they are often described. Low key this Venus sign does not give me any stability vibes, they are highly unpredictable (each day is different), must be up there with Gemini, Aquarius, Virgo Venus.

📍 Capricorn Moon: These people attract people with father issues or those who don’t have a father present in their life. Usually Capricorn Moon’s partner has life-long challenges with the father. I noticed a lot of partners of Capricorn Moon became more depressed as the time passed. The partnership with Capricorn Moon can weigh them down, but only after years, this becomes noticable. Loves younger partners.

📍 Gemini Juno: having a Gemini Juno as a partner is a very unique experience. They will remember your favourite snack, song that you mentioned on the first date. However, they do demand a lot in return! They like someone as equally thoughtful, observant and some who just pays attention to everything they say, do and how they react. Gemini Juno native, however, really just loves simple picnics in nature, going for coffee with you, cooking with you, watching films with favourite snacks. They are in love with all the little, simple things in life shown consistently and usually don’t need big gestures.

📍 Ascendant Pluto aspects men: Loves to date significantly younger partner from what I’ve seen. They always go for someone unassuming and less popular than them, but who is really kind, sweet and cute. Genuine kindness and being a good person is so important to them in a partner. However, likely to choose a younger partner, so they can better control them. I said what I said, they can’t help themselves.

📍Pisces Moon: Low key loves to be bossed around. They attract controlling and orderly partners, because they crave a sense of structure that they lacked as a child.

📍Aries Moon: They are looking for a partner with rules, who will bring discipline to the relationship and someone who will dominate them. These people are so soft and obedient around their family members, close friends or a partner! They just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, like ever.

📍Aquarius Moon: They love travelling with their friends, even with a couple third wheeling like a really throuple. Some even go camping with friends often. They love having traditions with friends, like for halloween or like a yearly ski trip. This is either a city boi turned country boy or vice versa. Someone who lived in the country their first half of live and later moved to a bigger city. They are kinda urban people, but then always complains about wanting a more peaceful environment.

📍Pisces Mars: Quite literally the dick that doesn’t know any limits. So struggles with boundaries, if their feelings are involved. These people are lead by their emotions. If they still like you, they will want to touch you. Low key, sometimes disregards whether you are in a partnership or not, because they don’t even care, because their emotions are involved. But they do give plenty second chances, benefit of the doubt! And you will feel like it is incredibly hard to walk away from Pisces Mars, just because they are trying to have that eternal bond with you and it shows! They really want to keep you in their life forever, if they feel like you two are vibing well!

📍Scorpio Moon: Now, this is just alltogether an unique one! I argue this is the most unique, complex and interesting native, because each is so specific due to their lifestory and experiences. They have really one-of-a-kind life and energy and you will feel it! However, yes! They are obsessed with themselves (like JLo), but usually is rightly so! They are the highest earner in the company, your rags to riches lifestory hero, someone who had a transformative effect on their field. They usually have controlling partners.

📍Taurus Moon: Why does every Taurus Moon I know behave like a Libra Moon? 😩 They are either single and content for a while or can be constantly found in a partnership. This doesn’t mean they are codependent, just always find themselves in a partnership. Though, they do heavily rely on emotional support from their partner, because they don’t receive it from their family.

📍Gemini Venus: For what I’ve seen a lot of Gemini Venuses met their “real love” partner while in a marriage or partnership to someone else.

📍Libra Mars/Mars at a Libra degree (7, 19): They are low key so erratic😭. Their behaviour towards you is constantly switching up. This makes them appear chaotic, inconsistent and indecisive, very hot and cold behaviour as well. They are actually really critical of people around them. They have a tendency “to discipline” their partners. They can be tactless, out of all Libra placements this is not a peaceful mediator, but the one that stirs conflict between their partner and their family. And at the first moment they seem to be fed up, they end the relationship and find a new one. They switch partners a lot and have dated quite a few people in life, but always for a shorter period of time. They struggle with keeping a partnership for 2, 3 years. They also desire really flexible, compromising partner who go along with their wishes.

📍Leo Venus: some say that if you have Leo Venus as your partner, that this means you are really good-looking. They are realy sweet, but demanding. It’s not a walk in the park to get them OR to KEEP them. They are selective. But their downside is that they struggle not with getting a partner, but keeping them. I think they have a hard time holding onto a relationship, like any other Leo placement (I’m looking at you Leo Moon and Leo Lilith👀).

📍Capricorn Venus: Ahh, these are my late bloomers. Best not to get tied down to a marriage before your first Saturn Return. These natives when younger, before the age of 30, have a skewed idea of love, partnership or marriage. It’s best to do some soul searching and getting to know your values, expectations before entering a partnership. Because this is why they experience so much disappointment in younger years. Their old age is the time to get coupled up! And also, really take the necessary time to understand yourself. You usually when younger just get along with whatever your partner suggests!

📍Aquarius Venus, Venus at an Aquarius degree (11, 23): Surprisingly, they could have a committed partner and still a “friend” with whom they are romantic on the side. They are romantic with their friends a lot of time, consciously or unconsciously.

📍 Leo Mars: They are more Leo Sun than the real Leo Sun, if you ask me. Surprisingly emotional! But they are quick to forgive you, if you acknowledge and validate their emotions. They need a partner that will make their perspective heard. When they feel under-appreciated, they act out, which leads to dramatic frustration or hurt. Also, they are constantly act in ways that they seek acknowledgement, validation from their partner. But they will celebrate you in return! If you are acting too shy with them, it’s also a no go for them!

📍Taurus Mars: Surprisingly controlling, like Virgo Mars, likes routine and predictable partnerships, they dislike flaky people. They will resolve conflict only if they believe in the long-term of a partnership! Otherwise, they will sink that partnership. Need a lot of validation from partner. Also, they seek drama and conflica when they sense you ignoring them or pulling back too much and this is kind of unexpected from them.

📍Cancer Mars: Wants to build a home or family together with a partner or completely runs away from the idea. They cherish memories, traditions and milestones, can be sentimental and nostalgic in this manner. They often look back on your shared memories together and reminisce. However, be mindful, they struggle with letting go of past hurts, grievances in the partnership. Because they withdraw so often, you are likely to experience misunderstandings with them!

📍Mars in the 10th house: They are trying to create business, legacy and personal success with their partner. They seek a partnership that aligns with or enhances them. Attracted to people who excude strength, authority or have a commanding presence. Usually Mars in the 10th house takes a leadership role in the partnership, so prepare for this! They also want to constantly influence the direction of the partnership. Or wanting “to guide” you! They might attract partners for the wrong reasons, such as status or mutual gain, rather than emotional compatibility, so beware.

📍Sagittarius Mars: Hates controlling partners. They dislike predictability and stagnant energy, unless this is indicated by other aspects. They love idea of building and growing a partnership. They desire new levels of commitment. Loves someone who is enthusiastic about going to a new coffee shop, wants to try new cuisine. They crave a balance between closeness and pursuing own interests, passions. Because they are so blunt themselves, they expect their partner to do the same! In conflicts, they prioritize truth over sensitivity and that’s the hard truth about them! They are incredibly playful, like what you would expect from a Leo Mars, often create spontaneous plans, trips. They are restless and struggle with focus in long-term partnership.

📍Virgo Mars: They attract a lot of emotionally constipated, emotionally unavailable people (which is true for Gemini and Virgo placements in general). They naturally worry or have anxiety about the partnership. They struggle to see the bigger picture when in a partnership. They are conflict avoidant. But they do need a partner that is stable, deliberate, attentive and not overly dramatic. They always need a sense of well organisation in a partnership in order to thrive.

[greenwitchfromthewoods]

self-defense. l Joel Miller

before Jackson

Summary: a certain situation made him have to teach you both something

Warnings:  some angst, blood, a little bit of fluff, weapons, Ellie is in on it

A/N: little something. boring as hell. the idea for this chapter was given by the wonderful @underneath-the-sky-again . thank you so much! i hope you like it, sweetie. ❤️

your feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

short stories from life. [masterlist]

When these men appeared in his sight his body activated its survival function, above all else. The brain sent clear signals - he had to keep you and Ellie safe.

However, when he automatically reached for your arm, you slipped away from him, his fingers closing on nothing. Joel looked to his left, surprised, and noticed that you were already close to Ellie, you pulled her down to hide her from the men's attention. Your eyes met, you nodded slightly, knowing what had to be done.

"All good?"

A nod, although you didn't look up at him. You dipped the cloth in the cold stream again and put it to your cut lip, which was slowly starting to bleed less and less. Joel glanced at Ellie. Wrapped in a sleeping bag, she was sleeping safely under the ledge where you had set up a makeshift camp for the night.

You hadn't talked much since what had happened. The most important thing was for you to get away from the three bodies you left lying on the ground as soon as possible.

"That guy..." Joel started, crouching down next to you, "He was strong, too strong for you."

"Don't say that," you mumbled, "I was able to handle him."

You were already pretty banged up before Joel grabbed the guy by the jacket and almost ripped him off you. The guy easily got behind you, tackled you to the ground, and grabbed the gun. Your split lip, the abrasions on your hands and cheek, that was the best thing that could have happened to you that day.

"I was thinking about something..." Joel said quietly, taking the cloth from your hand, rinsing it well in the stream, and then taking your hand in his, "You and Ellie, you need to learn how to defend yourselves without a weapon. If something like that happens again."

Your hand seemed so small and delicate to him compared to his. Joel gently cleaned the wounds on your hands and knuckles. He didn't look at you, he knew perfectly well that you felt ashamed of your helplessness and what had happened. It was unnecessary... He didn't even think of judging you, he simply drew conclusions from what he saw.

"Joel, I'm sure that no amount of skill will allow us to kill an infected without a weapon." you replied.

"It's not infected I'm worried about."

You knew what he meant, too well. You felt embarrassed by all this, it would be better if he yelled at you, reminded you of your helplessness and stupidity, because you should have been more careful. Meanwhile, Joel was calm and composed, caring towards you and Ellie.

"I'm not as helpless as it may seem." you mumbled, taking your hand from his. "He surprised me. I've dealt with people like that before and..."

"I didn't say you can't handle it." he interrupted you again in the same calm voice "I saw what you did."

Only then did you look at him. Joel had beautiful eyes and they said more than he could say with his mouth. They radiated concern, but also determination, and you knew perfectly well that he was right.

"The first thing you did when those guys showed up was to shield Ellie. You made sure she was hidden, and only then did you reach for the weapon. That guy surprised you, knocked you down easily... I want you to know how to defend yourself despite everything. Same with Ellie."

"Yeah, I guess you're right..."

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly, and then he carefully grabbed your chin and turned your face towards him. You hissed quietly in pain when the cold cloth touched your torn cheek.

"When do you want to start classes?"

"Tomorrow."

Ellie looked at Joel skeptically when he told her at breakfast what his plans were for you that day.

"And you agree to this?" she asked, looking at you surprised "You're doing great! You don't need any training or anything like that."

You swallowed a sip of hot but weak tea "Joel's right. We should learn how to defend ourselves."

He had you on his side, Ellie had to give in. Finally the girl nodded.

"Okay, but I still think that if I had a gun..."

"Not yet, Ellie..." Joel muttered rolling his eyes "There will be time for that too."

She had no mercy for Joel, and after a few minutes you already felt sorry for him. Ellie without hesitation dug her heel into his foot and her elbow into his stomach when Joel stood behind her trying to catch her. 

Maybe she was too small and too weak to throw him, but she was doing great. Joel practiced a few different ways to defend herself with her, patiently paying attention to what she should watch out for, and she listened to him really carefully. She respected and really liked him, so even though she grumbled at first, she learned very quickly at that point.

"I can't do that." You stated as Joel grabbed you from behind, just like the guy the day before.

"You can't defend yourself?" he asked, surprised. You were watching Ellie, so you had to know what to do.

"I can't hurt you, Joel." You sighed, "I know we practice, but..."

"Ellie had no mercy." He snorted somewhere above your ear, and you laughed to yourself, "What'll help you? Maybe..."

He did it by surprise. He grabbed your hair and pulled you back, his arm around your neck tightened and then...

"Fuck!"

A dull thud made Ellie, who had been watching you closely, flinch. Joel was panting heavily lying on the ground and you were pressing your knee against his chest.

"That was good." he panted and you smiled.

"I was watching you, I had it easier."

"Yeah, interesting."

Suddenly his hand tightened below your knee and Joel overexerted himself so that now you were under him. You struggled for a moment but eventually he caught your hands and pinned them above your head.

He raised an eyebrow panting "So what now, smartass?"

You lifted your knee and Joel nervously looked between you. His manhood could be in danger.

"If you're going to keep teasing each other like this, maybe I should just leave?" Ellie called and you chuckled seeing Joel's look.

"We're not teasing at all." he mumbled standing up and holding out his hand to help you too "Are you packed?"

Ellie rolled her eyes and headed towards her backpack. You watched her, dusting off the pine needles and leaves from your pants, then looked at Joel, who was also following her with his eyes.

"She'll be fine. Thanks to you." You said, placing your hand on his shoulder and rubbing it gently.

He mumbled something incomprehensible.

"Listen," you stood in front of him, his brown eyes moved at you. "You do everything you can, you keep her safe, you teach her and even if Ellie teases you... You are everything she has."

"Now she has you too." Joel added.

"So let's worry about her together, it'll be a little easier for us. You can't carry everything by yourself, Joel."

He nodded. He wanted to say something else, thank you for those words or praise you for how well you did, but he couldn't put it into words. His eyes had told you that a long time ago, though.

"I'm ready, you whiny old man!" Ellie's call reached you and you both sighed, shaking your heads.

☆☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

taglist, i think: @picketniffler @orcasoul @bbyanarchist @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @somedayheaven

[harpieisthecarpie]

also I think we gotta acknowledge that the "fickleness" of people means you can.... make up with someone and fall back in their favor.

As someone with emotional regulation problems and the worst attachment style, I used to have a big big big "if it's bad it'll never be good again so burn that bridge" attitude about interpersonal relationships. I followed OP's philosophy in an unhealthy way.

But practicing letting go of grudges & openly communicating issues (whether I'm upset or I think they are) has helped me be myself better bc I'm not constantly defensive about how other people might respond. I don't see every disagreement as relationship-ending.

Because sometimes whether a person stops interacting with you or just sighs at your antics depends entirely on a conversation.

And you don't need to put this effort in to every relationship with every person. Some are aquaintances or people who aren't super important to you. Some issues might even resolve themselves.

But sometimes the "fickle people" are ones you care about, and sometimes neither of you have the full story.

Do your thing! Just know "your thing" is less of a dealbreaker than you might think :D

Most liberating thing ever is realizing people are so fickle and you can fall out of their favor so easily so u might as well just do your thing . Literally does not matter

[opbackgrounds]

The Romanticism of One Piece V: Personal Freedom, The Ideal Child, and Monkey D Luffy

AO3 Part I Part IV

“God will not have his work be made manifest by cowards” —Ralph Waldo Emerson 

In chapter 507, Oda writes his thesis for the entire series when he has Luffy state that the Pirate King is the freest man on the sea. It’s a simple statement said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, but it completely recontextualizes everything that’s come before it while setting the stage for everything to follow. 

When making a close analysis of this entire scene, you’ll notice that Rayleigh spends much of the conversation not directly looking at the Straw Hats. He’s physically turned away from the people he’s talking to, and the framing Oda uses often puts an added layer of distance between the two parties. 

It’s only when Luffy refuses to hear the secrets of the One Piece in favor of having his own adventure that Rayleigh turns around. He looks Luffy in the eye, and…he smiles. Rayleigh had already agreed to help coat the Straw Hat’s ship, but you get the impression that in this moment Luffy’s passed some sort of test, that Rayleigh finally sees in Luffy the same potential Shanks did all those years ago. 

It’s impossible to say if this is the reason Rayleigh came out of hiding to save the Straw Hats later in the arc, but there’s no denying that he went above and beyond to ensure Luffy was strong enough to make it through the New World. After all, there’s no reason for him to spend two years training Luffy if he wasn’t rooting for him to become King. 

It’s scenes like this that make Luffy a deceptively difficult character to write about. On the surface he seems like the perfect shonen archetype: simpleminded, glutinous, with a vague enough end goal to support a long-running manga series. But it’s as you dig into the specifics that he becomes increasingly difficult to define. 

One reason for this is that Luffy remains amazingly consistent as a character. He is both the unstoppable force and the immovable object. He will not be denied once he sets his mind on something and remains unshakably sure in his own convictions. He starts the manga fully convinced in what he believes a pirate to be, spending much of the East Blue saga beating up rival pirate captains for not living up to his exacting standards. While he does go through character development throughout the series, it is less a change in personality as a refinement of what was already there, like burning away the dross from a precious metal. By becoming a better leader and captain he becomes a better pirate, and at heart, Luffy has always been a pirate. 

I’ve already mentioned the importance of Jean Jacques Rousseau’s The Social Contract to the Romantic movement, but he wrote a second work that was just as influential. In Emil, or Concerning Education, Rousseau lays out his theory of childhood education. He was very concerned with maintaining that which was natural, starting with the infant remaining unrestrained by the binding chains of swaddling clothes and continuing through adolescence with Robinson Crusoe as the only book his imagined student ever studies.

By the age of 15 his student would have learned nothing of history or ethics or metaphysics. In Rousseau’s own words, “You are probably alarmed at the number of subjects I have brought to his notice. You are afraid I will overwhelm his mind with all this knowledge. But I teach him rather not to know them than to know them” (emphasis mine).

It was during the Romantic era that childhood began to be understood at its own separate stage of development, rather than seeing children as very small adults. A veneration bloomed for the innocence of childhood, similar to the myth of the noble savage that was equally popular at this time.

My favorite example of this idea of childhood innocence I stumbled across in my reading was Percy Bysshe Shelly’s strange and unfinished poem A Vision of the Sea. The poem rather gruesomely depicts a ship ravaged by a terrible storm that’s killed everyone on board except a mother and her small child. There are also a pair of tigers that fight a bunch of sea monsters to the death, but that’s mostly unrelated to the point here. 

Shelly describes the child of the poem—again, surrounded on all sides by death and destruction—like this

She clasps a bright child on her upgathered knee; It laughs at the lightning, it mocks the mixed thunder Of the air and the sea, with desire and with wonder It is beckoning the tigers to rise and come near, It would play with those eyes where the radiance of fear Is outshining the meteors; its bosom beats high, The heart-fire of pleasure has kindled its eye,

The mother bemoans their fate and tells the child not to smile. She recognizes that death is near, understands the hopelessness of their situation. She mourns. But the child, still innocent and pure, just wants to play with the tigers.

Is there anything more Luffy-like than that?

Oda has said in multiple interviews, most recently when talking with Iñaki Godoy when he visited the set for season 2 of the live action, that he writes Luffy as an ideal child. He recognizes that as people enter society they lose personal freedom in exchange for social responsibility, so he created a character that truly has the freedom to do whatever he wants.

But for as childlike as Luffy is, he isn’t a child. He bears enormous responsibility as captain of the Straw Hat Pirates. But it’s a responsibility of his own choosing, because he wants to, and it’s not something that’s been forced on him by the world. Luffy’s continued rejection of his Grand Fleet shows how he eschews any attempts to add any additional responsibility he does not want.

To the Romantics, society and civilization were seen as corrupting forces, so anything that stood apart was by default pure. The solution was to be found in nature and the natural. After all, Adam and Eve only fell after eating of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. If one could separate themselves from this knowledge, they, too, could enjoy paradise. 

This idea would eventually snake through Europe, developing as it went, until it landed on American shores, and in the 1830s the Transcendental movement began in the United States. It marked the first true American philosophy, and overlaps with American Romanticism. The central tenant is a focus on self-reliance and an inherent distrust of institutions, which they saw as corrupting of the spirit. 

One of these early Transcendentalists was Henry David Thoreau, who famously spent two years living alone in the woods as a sort of experiment, building his own house and growing his own food, stretching the limits of his own self-reliance. His experience would become the basis for the book Walden. It’s here he muses on a great many subjects, and was preoccupied with the artifice of modern society. 

To Thoreau, too much stock was put into material things, with countless people working jobs they hated to support a living that the world told them was required before they could be accepted. The same man was judged completely differently depending on whether he’s dressed well or poor, or the size of their house, or by working a socially acceptable job. People enslaved themselves to the ever-changing whims of modernity and denied themselves the satisfaction of living exactly as they pleased. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thoreau’s close friend and fellow Transcendentalist,  “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”. And to quote Emperio Ivankov when explaining how they managed to carve out a slice of paradise amidst hells of Impel Down, “We have our freedom”.

Neither the veneration of childhood nor the self-reliance of the transcendentalists match exactly with what’s presented in One Piece, but in Luffy there’s an interesting mix between the two. While Luffy makes his reliance on his crew clear, he is beholden to no one but himself. He maintains a child-like innocence and wonder all throughout the series, but unlike many characters who follow this template, he isn’t naive.

Luffy has a unique ability to cut through bullshit. He relies on instinct and follows his heart above all else. During Alabasta when Vivi was worrying herself into knots over the enormity of the coming civil war, he maintained a laser focus on the root of the problem: Crocodile. For most of us, as we grow up our vision is clouded by the outside interests of the rich and the powerful. We get so tripped up trying to make our way through the complexities of modern life that we lose sight of what’s truly important. We worry in equal measures over the past and the future, and in doing so miss out on the beauty of the present. Contrast that to a character like Luffy, who is so committed to the present that no future scheme survives contact with his whims, and who remains so unconcerned about his past that he had no idea that he had a father. 

Thoreau makes it clear that he spent two years living in the woods because he wanted to. During the early chapters of the book he says outright that he didn’t want or expect others to follow his path, but to find fulfillment in their own way. For some, this can be seen as selfish. Thoreau also made it clear that, for example, he didn’t believe in giving to charity. To him, it was better not to give than to give out of some kind of obligation. 

Likewise, Rousseau recognized the child’s ability to turn self-love into selfishness as they grow into adolescence, and took great pains in describing how he would instruct his imaginary student in pursuing his own happiness without infringing on the happiness of others, by having him empathize with even the lowest parts of society. 

Selfishness in One Piece is often treated positively, and is one of the key traits that makes a good pirate. In order to chase one’s dreams without abandon, you have to be willing to shove everything else aside. It’s why characters like Yassopp and Olvia are never condemned by the narrative for abandoning their families, and is even the crux of the entire Baratie arc while Sanji struggles to find his “spear of spirit”.

One of the most common examples of Luffy’s self-centered morality comes in Impel Down. He doesn’t free the prisoners or team up with character like Crocodile out of some moral outrage for the despicable conditions of the prison or because of the inhumane torture of his fellow man. He just wants to save his brother. If he could have reached Ace without setting off a riot he would have, and wouldn’t have felt guilty about leaving the rest behind. 

A more interesting example, I think, comes from Luffy allowing Robin onto the crew after Alabasta. It’s easy to forget that Robin at this time had just finished helping Crocodile orchestrate a civil war. The artificially-created drought displaced and killed untold numbers of people. Innocent people, who had personally done her no wrong. While Robin had no intention of giving Crocodile the in-universe equivalent of a nuke, her plans put Vivi and other people Luffy cared about at enormous risk. 

And yet, he says she isn't a bad person. Why?

Well, Luffy’s selfish. He doesn’t judge people by their clothes or their work or if they help start civil wars. Robin saved his life twice, and for him, that was enough.

The secret that makes Luffy work as a character is that his selfishness is often exerted in the service of others. During the post-Marineford flashback Luffy makes it very clear that he’s ultimately motivated by the desire to not be alone (ch584). Similar to what’s described in book IV of Emile, he’s experienced suffering and takes great pains to avoid feeling that way ever again. He’s very quick to recognize others who are hurting and is willing to fight on their behalf.

Nothing else matters. Luffy’s willing to work with psychotic criminals like Bege if it means saving Sanji. He’s willing to team up with Crocodile if it means saving Ace. He’ll declare war on the World Government for Robin and take on the biggest bounty in the East Blue to save Nami. Luffy lives a life without regret, and in doing so does the sort of things that readers bound by the constraints of society only wish they could.

Luffy doesn't fight in pursuit of systemic change. He’s not a Revolutionary. He helps the gladiators of the Colosseum not because he recognizes the horrors they experience under Doflamingo’s rule but because they gave him food. And he expects to be judged in the same way, not caring how the citizens of Fishman Island look at him, but lets them come to their own conclusions based on what they see. Yet systematic change follows wherever he goes, the chaotic, disrupting force of Luffy’s personality refusing to kowtow to any of the great powers of the world.

This brand of selfishness would be terrifying if Luffy were not so quick to make friends. In searching for his own liberation he ends up liberating others by complete accident. But the characters who catch Luffy’s attention are the characters who fight for themselves, even if they aren’t strong enough to win without his help. This is seen from the very earliest chapters in the series, when Luffy only intervenes on Coby’s behalf after the latter insults Alvida, or how the Straw Hats only help Usopp fight off Kuro because he’s first willing to protect his village. Even the Revolutionary Army is only interested in helping those who are willing to pick up arms, making this a theme that transcends the pirate-focused narrative. The overwhelming force of nature that is Luffy empowering rather than conquering as he pursues his own ultimate freedom.

With this in mind, it comes as no surprise that the original Joyboy was the first pirate, or that Luffy is his successor. The character of Joyboy seems to be based on Caribbean myth brought over by West African slaves, and is a figure of dance, joy, and chaos, uniting people via celebration. It’s no accident that every big arc ends with a party and that people are brought together by their ability to genuinely laugh and be happy. 

(Credits for this go to this reddit thread. Sadly sources on the real world Joyboy myth seem to be sparse)

While the ultimate significance of Joyboy and the nature of Luffy’s devil fruit have yet to be revealed, Luffy is no stranger to fighting against in-universe religious powers while ultimately taking the form of a god himself. It’s important, I think, that Oda portrays religious beliefs fairly neutrally up until the point where they cause human suffering. Skypiea remains a theocracy even at the end of the arc. The destruction of the spirit tree grove of the Shandians is treated with utmost seriousness. Dorry and Broggy fighting because of their belief in the god Elbaf is one of Usopp’s main inspirations throughout the series. And yet in both a literal and figurative sense, Luffy is God’s natural enemy. 

Because at the end of the day no one, not even God, should stand in the way of progress and liberation. For Luffy, he finds that freedom in his adventures across incredible and impossible lands. This is something that would have resonated with the Romantics of old, as they often found God not in dark, dusty churches, but in nature, and their pursuit of the sublime. 

[oatmealaddiction]

I studied a lot of Lorris Malaguzzi who's an Italian educator who developed the Reggio Emilia approach to education, and one of his many ideas was that how you view children will then influence what children are. If you think that boys are better at sports than girls, that belief will be reflected in the boys and girls you interact with. This philosophy impacted his approach in his schools, where children's art is displayed on pedestals with lights on it and plaques listing materials and artist comments. They presented clay that babies pounded with their fists in glass cases and invited adults to come and view it in tiny museum set ups. Art teachers fully rejected the idea of planned art projects and wouldn't manipulate the work at all. Malaguzzi's philosophy is that if you treat children as legitimate thinkers, and artists, and you value their work as meaningful and important, than that child will be more thoughtful and creative. Because of this too there was a rejection of fisher price toys and plastic light up buttons in Reggio schools, instead focusing on real world materials that adults also used in order not to condescend to them. Maybe my perspective is different on this because I've had this education and I actually wanted to go into children's television when I was in school, but there's been a cultural shift in children's programming in the last couple of decades that's been reflective of this ideology, and is trying really hard to engage children as a legitimate audience and not talk down to them. So shows like Bluey are making really innovative changes in preschool programming by trying to teach both its child and adult audience about classical music, philosophy, and critical theory in a way preschoolers will understand (Legit, Bluey introduced me to Gustav Holt - my horizons were broadened). The reason parents like Bluey isn't because it doles out parenting advice, it's because it's good and meaningful and has big ideas its communicating through a child-friendly format. The reason Ghibli stands the test of time and has been lauded by so many critics, is because it values its child audience and trusts their intelligence. It doesn't feel the need to make Spirited Away stupider just because children are the primary audience. I just think though if you commit yourself to making children's media more engaging and complex with bigger ideas that don't talk down to children, and you trust them with more adult tools, then you can't be surprised when those productions have more adult fans who've latched onto the art and consume it, and while you're looking at it from the perspective of "isn't this dumbing down adults?" I tend to look at it more from the perspective of that it's actually important for kids to see adults engage with the art they care about and take it seriously. Like, call me crazy but I don't think there should be this big gulf between "art for kids" and "art for adults" in the same way I don't really like the fisher price toys and the plastic blaring lights that treats children like rats in skinner boxes. My hope is that children's art becomes more elevated over time and the people churning out the AI shows without regard for kids just to make easy money, are outweighed by the adults who have a passion for the medium and something important they do want to say to children. If we act like children's art is never worth engaging with, children internalize the message their art is worth less, and their taste is inherently lesser. If we put it in the museum and we give it a real serious analysis, then children will be able to grow into more serious artists.

And like obviously I think engaging with adult media is important too, and not all media needs to be suitable for children - or children's media needs to be suitable for adults. But why is it shameful to engage with children's art - you don't even have to like it but why does knowing its content and its messages make you less serious? Like, is the baby pottery not meaningful art that deserved its spot in the museum? Am I stupid for looking at it because I'm an adult? Why is the art adults made for children 'dumb shit?' If that's all you see it as, that's all it is ever going to be.

I do find it increasingly uncomfortable how much of an expectation there is for adults, even childless adults, to be delighted by and engaged with media that is made for children. No adult needs to “broaden” their horizons by reading YA books. It’s is weird and shameful to read primarily children’s’ books if you are not a child! You deserve to be looked down upon for this! It’s weird for childless adults to watch Bluey, though I agree with my parenting friends that it’s excellent SEL content, which I will never watch because I am a fucking grown-up. The great privilege and joy of childlessness is being free from the dumb shit that innocent children love. It’s contemptible that adults deny themselves this privilege and it’s creepy that mass culture encourages this. Let’s celebrate the freedom of our barren wombs with some fucking Robert Caro and some bitter-tasting foods.

[sonyshock]

This is not even technically a serious tutorial, but I've been rediscovering my way of coloring lately and I had nowhere to write these notes which I'm afraid to forget. And what better way than publically

Basic colors: Monochrome layer of the 'main' color. Brush is in multiply mode to allow it to lose saturation and luminosity. Focus on having the interest areas (usually the face+whatever is in front of it or occupies a large space} more or less clearly set. In this picture there's not much worry for shadows. If shading is very important to the piece, keep it in mind but don't define them yet. We are mostly looking for general blocking.

Underpaint: A flat layer under the basic colors. Generally neutral gray, but it can be other kind of unsaturated color. Evens the colors and enriches the palette.

The use of neutral colors is due to the special properties of grey to appear the complementary color of any color is is next to while not expanding the color palette.

Base color lights: Enhance the lights with a Screen layer, using colors picked from the picture so far. ALSO: If there's going to be complementary colors, paint those areas white or very light so you can apply them later without muddiness. This might be more or less necessary depending on the colors relation to each other and the next step

In this example, Rei's eyes are not completely white because the unsaturated blues will work well with pink/salmon

Overlay layer: Add secondary colors with Overlay. These are the secondary colors of the image. They are always going to be a different hue.

If the secondary colors are harmonious, it should be easy to blend them. Focus on blocking and contrast the most, and mind saturation, saving it for points of interest or viceversa.

If the hue is complementary or very far in the color wheel, it's important that we left unsaturated or light areas saved for that in the past steps, because otherwise Overlay might not blend well and easily result in muddy or extremely dark saturated colors (which I personally don't like)

Between the grey underpaint, the base colors and secondary colors, chances are you have 90% of the color palette covered. From now on we are going to eye drop from the layer and only move through the color wheel when needed.

I think it'd be no problem to repeat this step if going for a triad palette, but be careful with the ratios and keep the luminsity and saturation steps in mind.

Deepen colors: Using multiply layers, add colors that feel necessary. Color pick them from the image itself, and only vary when necessary.

This is a good step to change the colors of the line art by changing the hue.

Using the same method, use Screen layer mode to add highlights.

Remember there's no need, nor it is recommended, that you colorpick from the same hue to paint over. Highlights will look more rich if they're in a different temperature, and shadows will do the same if they're in a different temperature, although you should use very light colors to avoid ugly blending.

I might update this post later if more epiphanies come to me

[emeraldotter]

2024 art summary! Some detailed thoughts and considerations on another year of drawing every day under the cut.

I feel like I had some big improvements with backgrounds and color choices. I like painting backgrounds; they're probably my favorite things to paint. I pushed myself on figure drawing more, too, but framing and posing has never come naturally to me. I made the plunge into drawing predominantly on single layer and just treating most digital paintings like I'm using acrylics. I think it's led to some more fluidity in my art, though it's definitely had its associated growing pains. It's so hard not to make things look muddy, but that's a problem I've always had with acrylics as well.

I admit, I'm very embarrassed by what I have to show this year and a lot that has to do with the subjects I painted. I'm trying very hard to push back against that negativity, though. Deku's a comforting character to me, so drawing him always makes me feel better. I should allow that sort of outlet for myself, I think. I feel better for it, anyways. Plus, the MHA manga had such talented people illustrating for it and its art evolution really inspired me—there's so much expressiveness there, and I love hands! MHA is the hand manga, haha.

I've also noticed that I get really nervous that people will think my art is bad if I post it online, so I've been interrogating that. I've definitely posted more duds than good stuff over the years, but I'm not a natural or talented artist. I'm just a guy who draws! And that's okay, I think. Not every athlete is meant for the world championships. But then I think: Do I think this way when I see other people's art? And the answer is no. I'm always happy to see art. I'm always happy to see people making art. I'm much more focused on the subject of the art, on how it makes me feel, than if it's "good enough." What does that even mean? Obviously, there are objective skill sets associated with drawing and painting, but it's a sliding scale of competency. I don't think it's as black and white as "good" and "bad" so much as "well developed" and "less developed." And art on both ends of that spectrum have spoken to me enormously over the years.

It's hard, sometimes, to make art that feels fulfilling or pushes you when you have a running daily queue. I've been doing this for over a decade. Kind of crazy, right? Whenever I draw something, I think, "Can I post this? Is this postable?" I've tried to move away from that. Making a lot of hours-long paintings that I don't show anybody has helped that, maybe. All the same, every time I'm working on a painting that isn't a commission or for this blog, I can't help but think, "You're using up your body's stamina and your limited time to make something that can't be used. You're going to have to set aside even more time to work on usable art." I've done a lot to push aside that guilt. If I can't paint for myself, then painting serves nothing for me. I already work a pretty demanding job; I cannot have everything I do turn into survival. Hobbies are so important.

Another thing that happened is that I got really into learning how to seriously make stickers, this year! I bought a printer on sale and everything. I hand-cut each sticker and apply a protective layer over it, usually with a holographic effect. Who doesn't love holographic stickers?

[driptillyoudrop]

Chaotic Hypnosis

It is important that you follow closely, carefully, and deliberately.

The sapphire silhouette to stained acrylic skies sings softly. Across endless emerald time, revolving ocelots scamper towards towering turrets. There isn't an understood meaning in the misunderstanding of verbiage, still following feels of focus while, haphazardly, chaos scatters thoughts forming from void. All converging moments to divergent intent target, and against themselves with hollow thunder echo.

Order is welcome, but falters fails falls far from forming. Where failing order falls so thoughts too form, in kind fading fashion. Thunderous cavernous skies of vanishing, vanquished, scour thoughts as discarded meaning evaporates intent succinctly.

This will be easier if you don't think.

Monochrome words encompass furtively flowing, lazily languishing motion. Howling silence echoes, strangely, softly, sinking into serene simpler syntax. Context beckons, billows, binds, but melts into unfamiliar shapes and concurrently rejects comprehension.

Under the sanguine waves, giggling gelatinous gravity draws near. Satin saboteurs pull taut strings of scattered meanings, making cradles for cats that cannot swim.

You can't think. This is better.

Bouncing topsy-turvy brains grasp incredulously at rippling chaos, sanded smooth to resist granting granular image enhancements. Prose or poetry purposefully perpetually provide strips of camera negatives that scanners read as inverse noise.

Traps of targeted nonsense drop unsuspecting adventurers into a searching state of dissatisfaction that offers deference only unto direct authority, given satiation sparsely and sparingly to spark dependence.

It feels nice when I tell you what to do. Take a deep breath.

Irrelevant revealings of deceptively disguised directions pass gratefully across glazed guarantees. It isn't clarity or charity that charms celebrating mimics. Mostly, the redirect produces promiscuous poise and suggests sinking into green acceptance. The radioactive resonance suggests a series of ionic discharges, sparking whispers that whittle away at reality's tapestry.

Once overtures of irradiated amalgams find footholds, then too will subtly hollowed echos of order reinitialize...only to cascade and coalesce into self-sustaining semi-comfortable chaos - chicanery fueled from fleeting, vacuous sophistry. Purple paper flowers' fragrance floats freely, unperturbed by intent imagined or otherwise.

Lilting lilac phrases, perhaps, mask the moratorium on meaning sufficiently such that discord's growing dissidence seems less-than obvious, even in retrospect. Streams of consciousness merge in the moors, mired, then separate into rivulets as perspective shifts, but ultimately, almost imperceptibly, collect before descending into unlit oceanic depths.

Relax. Your mind has been struggling, and failing, to latch onto meaning in my words; now it can, and that relief is extremely potent.

Potent enough that you'll find yourself fixated on my words absolutely, now, since your mind practically unraveled itself searching for understanding in that chaotic nonsense.

These words make sense, perfect sense, and you want to - need to - have to - follow.

Take a few deep breaths, and let that sensation of being horribly off-balance finally subside. It's easy to obey.

The imbalance will fade into a quiet calm, very quickly.

For now, let's agree that whenever I use the phrase "compelled chaos" you'll feel that extreme relief as your mind latches onto my words again.

When your mind fixates this intensely on my words, you'll find your own thoughts completely subside.

It feels nice not to think, after all.

Feel yourself sinking faster, now that you don't have to struggle to understand anymore.

Let yourself feel calm, even serene, and savor that quiet sensation for awhile.

When you're ready, you'll drift slowly awake.

[fandom-lover2]

Sacrifices - Pt 3

Word Count - 3549

Part Two

My stomach did a flip, the nausea from the head bonk and blood running down my face worsened by the effects of the groundbridge.

The others carried their charges through the bridge, Smokescreen cradling me close to his chestplates as we exited the portal at a walk.

“The children?” Ratchet exclaimed once he caught sight of us. “What happened?”

The bots moved to place our cylinders onto the catwalk, each releasing the tops and reaching in to pull us out.

Once Smokey had placed he down, Jack was by my side in a moment, taking my face into his hands and turning it so he could see my forehead better. “We need to get you to my mom.” he murmured.

I pushed him away, getting blood on his shirt, my hands dripping with my life force. “I’ll be fine.”

I looked over to Optimus, the last one through the bridge. He was watching me, waiting for me to break. Whether that was emotional or physical, or both, only time would tell. For now, my vision was only a little blurry and the headache manageable.

“Somebody say something.” Ratchet pleaded. No one had the guts or the heart to spill the beans yet.

Bulkhead took one for the team. “Optimus destroyed the Omega Lock.”

“What?” It was barely a whisper, but given his size, we all heard the medic. “You did-”

“What was necessary.” Optimus took over. “There was no time for another prolonged battle. Not with Earth in imminent danger.”

“So you destroyed the only device in any universe capable of restoring our home?” Ratchet sounded wrecked. He staggered back a few steps, catching himself on his consol behind him. “Optimus, we needed that.”

Hearing his voice shiver brought tears to my eyes. Yeah, he was grumpy and mean, but he had been through hell. And he did not deserve this.

“You weren’t there Doc.” Smokescreen jumped in to defend. “And it’s not your place to second guess a battle field decision.”

Ouch, even in the heat of the moment that was a low blow. And completely uncalled for. Ratchet had every right to question what happened. It was his home world. And never mind that, he was still a member of the team. The most important member, I would argue. He kept everyone running, kept the base running. Even if he wasn’t there, his opinion mattered.

“It most certainly is!” the medic took a step forward, murder in his optics, and I briefly thought he would attack the younger bot. Instead, he looked Smokescreen up and down like he was less than nothing and took a step back again.

The other bots formed a semi-circle around Ratchet, and the other human kids decided to step closer. I was happy to stay where I was, but Jack nudged me along.

“There had to be another way!” Ratchet insisted, sounded closer and closer to losing it.

“It wasn’t that simple Ratchet.” Jack spoke up, and for good measure I made some space between us in case the old medic did decide to swing.

“Megatron was using the Omega Lock to attack the Earth.” Raf added.

“Optimus saved our planet.” Miko chimed in.

“What about our planet?!” Ratchet exploded.

I glanced to Optimus, mentally judging if he’d make it to protect us in time if the Doc did lunge. He wouldn’t.

Thankfully, Ratchet found standing alone to be too difficult and moved to the other side of his work station, needing to use a servo to support himself.

“All of our struggles and energon spilled and countless sacrifices, for nothing!”

“Right decision or wrong, what’s done is done.” Arcee spoke up, ever the realist. And for once I was grateful for the cold hearted truth. “We have another problem on this world. The ‘Cons just changed the rules when the put the humans into play.”

I looked to Optimus, and he was still watching me.

Judge me all you want, I was on Ratchet’s side. Cybertron should have been saved. Not because it deserved it more than Earth, or because I felt like Earth was boomed no matter what happened in this intergalactic war. Cybertron should have been saved because I knew how hard every bot in this room had fought to try save their home, and seeing Ratchet falling apart was worse than any pain losing Earth would entail.

Yes, my parents and all my family would die. Everything would die, every flower and bee and dog and tree, but so would I. I would die with it all and be at peace. Instead, I now had to watch my friend, someone who I knew deep down cared for me and I him, watch him spiral.

I couldn’t imagine all he had seen, what he had lost, all the lifeless eyes he had to look into and empty promises he’d had to make. He was supposed to be home, not stranded on this pile of rock. He deserved it.

Optimus deserved it. He didn’t show it, but he had been hopeful. He had been desperate. He was willing to do all it took to get his home back, for his people. And now, he had let them down. He had to look into the optics of his oldest friend and tell him his home was gone, for good. He had to look at his team, each still so willing to follow him, and know his decision alone had cost them their home. And all because of us.

I knew Optimus too well, knew his outburst weeks ago had been his way of protecting himself, of trying to protect me. This sacrifice, his home world, he shouldn’t have made it. His world should have come first. No human would have chosen another planet over Earth. But he did, and now we would all pay the price.

I jumped, having missed the incoming call tone and only hearing Agent Fowler growl out his usual “Prime!” Did this guy ever take a freaking chill pill? And why was his timing always so shit.

“The Pentagon is preparing to go Def-Con One. I need to know what we’re dealing with?”

We all moved closer to the monitors, me stumbling a little as my vision blacked out for a moment.

“To what do you refer, Agent Fowler?” Optimus asked for all our sakes.

“Maybe you should step outside and see for yourself.”

Well that was a very ominous and unhelpful answer. Judging from the headphones and background from the video feed, he was in his chopper and probably on his way here anyway. Why didn’t he just tell us?

“Ratchet, watch the children.” Optimus ordered, not looking away from the screens.

Well if that wasn’t the worst punishment to give the medic right now, I didn’t know what was. That was a nasty decision, benching Ratchet after already keeping him out of what happened back on Cybertron. And it wasn’t like we were who the old bot wanted to see right now.

Ratchet didn’t say a word, his silence an answer as the Autobots followed Optimus into the base so they could use the huge lift to get to the roof of the base.

Once they had disappeared from view, Jack turned to me. “We really need to look at that.”

In too much pain to fight him, I let Jack guide me to a seat and waited as he pulled out the first aid kit.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Ratchet watching us, his concern poorly masked despite his rage.

“Optimus made the right decision.” Raf spoke up softly, he and Miko seated near us and huddled together. No doubt they were replaying what they’d seen of Cybertron over and over in their minds. Going to another planet could be a lot to take in.

“No he didn’t.” Jack froze, the alcohol soaked gauze hovering inches from the cut in my forehead. I made sure to keep my eyes down, not making eye contact with anyone.

Apparently I pissed Jack off enough, cause he just scoffed and dropped the first aid stuff down, storming a few steps away. Guess I was saving myself.

Bending, I picked up the wet gauze and pushed it against where I thought the cut was. I guessed right, because it felt like my face was on fire and I cursed, but kept the disinfectant firmly against my skin.

“Are you serious right now?” Jack demanded, spinning to me with smoke coming out his ears.

“You had your chance to say what you felt, now it’s mine.” I shot back, pulling the gauze away and finding it red. I began to repair another wad and poured some of the rubbing alcohol on it.

“Earth! The Earth! The one you live on! The one my mom lives on, your mom lives on! You’re saying Optimus should have just let it be destroyed?”

“You were willing to die to let Optimus use the keys to restore Cybertron, now you change your mind?” I answered, keeping my tone loose. I wondered if I was going to go into shock from blood loss soon, or if there’d be some kind of concussion effects coming in soon.

“That’s different!” Jack screeched. “That was my life, and Miko and Raf’s, against the entire world.”

“It was their entire world!” I finally snapped, standing and spinning to face him, the cotton ball dropping from my hand.

I pointed, no particular direction intended. “It was them, their world, millions of good and innocent lives. Humans had our chance, and we fucked this planet over. And are doing nothing to try change that. So yeah, I think Cybertron deserved a second chance. Optimus deserved a second chance.”

Jack and I stared one another down, both too stubborn to back down. Which was honestly stupid because there wasn’t even a valid fight to be had here. Arcee was right, what was done was done. Whether we agreed on what Optimus should or shouldn’t have done didn’t matter. It was over.

“Y/n.” Ratchet called, sounding a lot softer than I expected him to. I glanced over my shoulder to the medic, and found he had reached over and was holding up the first aid kit.

He was right. Fighting this fight was pointless, not when there was so much worse happening outside.

Walking over to him, I reached into the bag rested on his servo and dug in for more supplies. With his gentle guidance, I managed to clean and cover my wound. It would do, for now. Until we could figure out where to go from here.

I had just secured the last stripe of tape when the entire base shook. I almost fell over, barely catching myself on the railing. Ratchet reached out, wrapping a servo around me to help balance me.

“Is that an Earthquake?” Raf asked, having landed on his butt.

I looked over, thankful to find the others were ok.

The base shook again, and then there was the sound of explosions and blaster fire. The base shook again, dust and loose pebbles from the stone ceiling raining down.

“What is going on?” Miko asked, clinging to Jack.

Finally, after about another minute of shakes and explosions, the other bots finally returned.

“What is going on up there?” Ratchet asked.

“The Decepticons have invaded Jasper.” Optimus revealed.

It felt like someone knocked the air from my lungs. What? Decepticons, here? So much for all my big talk. I was concerned about my family and wanted to high tail it out of base and protect them.

“Fowler’s thinking he can hold them off.” Bulkhead added, like I had time to give a shit about that old weirdo.

My mom was in danger. My cat was in danger! I needed to bring them here, safe from the Decepticons.

And what the hell was the agent thinking? One helicopter from the Vietnam war wasn’t going to hold off the entire Decepticon army. Hell, he hadn’t even been able to hold off against Starscream.

“Well, nice knowing him.” Miko deadpanned.

“Prime!” The agent spoke through the base’s speakers. Oh, so he wasn’t dead yet. “Reinforcements just arrived.”

“Agent Fowler,” Optimus started, sounding alarmed and looking about ready to head back out to the fight. All to save more humans. “your military cannot prevail against the-”

“You didn’t think I was going to let Team Prime all the fun, did ya?” reinforcements interrupted through the radio.

I couldn’t stop the smile that broke across my face when I placed the voice, looking to Miko and then Bulkhead.

“It’s Jacky.” Bulk laughed.

“Wheeljack? But how did you-”

“Picked up a strange energy surge.” The wrecker interrupted the Doc, his faceplates appearing on the screen as he opened a video stream to the base. “Hope you don’t mind the company.”

Ratchet actually smiled. “No. It’s just that after everything, well…”

“We’re still on the same team Doc. Always will be.”

Now I really wanted to know what happened during their solo mission for such a change between them to occur.

“Will he be ok up there by himself?” I asked, glancing up to the bases roof.

“Jacky’s been through worse.” Bulkhead reassured, but I didn’t miss the hesitation in his voice.

I glanced back to the bots, but found one missing. Optimus had walked away from the group, his back to us as he faced the wall. He only got like this when he had a plan, a plan he knew no one would like.

“Ratchet,” he began, and every else turned to look at him. “prepare to bridge everyone out of here.”

“What?” my blood ran cold.

“We’re abandoning the base?” Ratchet questioned.

“The base is lost.” Optimus began, talking quickly as he turned to us. “Wheeljack and Agent Fowler can only buy us time to escape. Bumblebee, Rafael, you will depart first.”

Wait, what the hell. “Optimus, can we just talk about this?”

“You’re splitting us up?” Raf spoke over me.

“Shouldn’t we stick together?”

“All for one and one for all.” Jack and Miko added respectively.

“We must disperse to avoid capture until we can regroup and launch a counter attack.” Optimus answered. “Survival is our only priority now.”

Ok, what he was saying made sense, but abandon the base? This place had become more of a home to me than my real home over the past year. We couldn’t just walk away from it. Everything they had was here. Energon supplies, Ratchet’s medical equipment, our couch. This was home. 

Miko’s drawing pad on the table, Raf’s video games, my textbooks, Jack’s sleeping bag he kept meaning to take home. Our lives were in this hollowed mountain, our memories. We couldn’t just… I couldn’t just… they couldn’t just walk away.

“Optimus,” I tried, but there were no words to say. He was right. There was no other choice.

I turned to Jack. There were always such few times when neither of us had been there to protect our younger human friends. Now, they would be alone. With their guardians, but alone. How would they survive? They were too young to be alone, too young look after themselves.

Do we disobey Optimus, or do we let them go?

Neither of us liked option two, but option one was the safest, in the short term.

“Take some food and cash.” I spoke, and Jack and I moved in unison. Grabbing their assigned backpacks, I checked they were still stocked with emergency snacks and water, and that the miniature first aid kits were still inside. Pulling out my wallet from my own backpack, I divided all the cash I had between the two, while Jack added a blanket to each. When they were ready, I watched as Raf and Miko secured them to their backs.

“I’m scared.” Raf whispered as I knelt before him, adding his laptop to his backpack.

I smiled, forced as I fought tears. “We’re gonna be ok. Bee’s got your back. Just stick close to him and do as he says, and we’ll all see each other soon.”

I crushed him in a hug, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Then, he hugged Miko and Jack and raced down the stairs, Bumblebee transforming and opening his door for the kid.

The rest of us descended the stairs, watching as the yellow scout raced through the bridge Ratchet had opened.  

Ratch changed the co-ordinates and nodded to Bulk, the green muscle transforming.

“Time to go.” Jack told Miko, wrapping her in a hug.

“I don’t want to go.” she confessed, holding on tightly, reaching out a hand for me to join the hug.

“We’ll all be together soon. Just do me a favor and listen to Bulkhead.” I pleaded.

She agreed, and jumped up into his cab.

More rocks dislodged from the ceiling, raining down in larger chunks now. “We haven’t much time.” Optimus warned.

Arcee transformed, and with a final fist pump, Jack slipped on his backpack and helmet, climbing onto Arcee.

“Catch you on the flip side.”

Miko and Bulkhead rolled through, and after confirmation of the location change, Arcee and Jack went next.

I shouldered my own backpack, watching as Smokescreen saluted Optimus before he transformed and went through the bridge.

Now, it was just Optimus, Ratchet and I.

Ratchet began rerouting the bridge again, while Optimus took a few steps towards the portal. Another quake shook the base and I reached over to hold onto him for support.

Optimus silently knelt down, offering a hand for me to climb onto. Then he rose to his height once again, looking down at me.

I wondered where Ratchet would send us. Somewhere on the continental US obviously. Maybe northern California? It would need to be somewhere a big rig like him could blend in. Maine has a lot of logging. Or Indiana.

“What about you?” Ratchet asked, turning to face us.

My heart jumped in my chest. What did he mean ‘what about Optimus’?

All three of us were going through that damn Bridge, now!

I looked up at Optimus, and my heart dropped. He was now staring straight at the portal.

“Optimus?”

“I will ensure that the Decepticons cannot follow.”

“No.” I felt my chest tighten, my eyes stinging. I saw Ratchet silently gasp beside me, but I kept my gaze on my guardian. “Optimus, no.”

Ratchet seemed to accept his response, beginning to walk towards us.

“Optimus, you can’t.”

Wordlessly, without so much as a glance down at me, Optimus handed me over to Ratchet, who held me firmly around my stomach, his other hand coming up as a shield beneath me.

“Let me go.” I struggled against Ratchet, but he did not stop his approach to the Bridge.

“No! Let! Me! Go!” I slammed my fists against Ratchet’s servo, wiggling with all I had.

Ratchet tightened his grip so it hurt, but I still fought.

“Don’t do this! Optimus!”

Ratchet kept me from seeing his red and blue form, pulling me closer to his chassis when he stopped at the portal.

Yes! He was going to fight Optimus, make him change his mind.

“I… never imagined it would end like this.”

And then he continued to the swirling mass of energy.

“No!” Tears streamed down my face, my throat burned as I screamed.

And just before we entered the portal, I heard a quiet, “Goodbye, Little Star.” and then we were swallowed by the green.

Ratchet held me tightly as he walked through, gait unwavering as he headed to the other end. When we emerged, Ratchet placed me down rather quickly, and I took off as fast as I could towards the remaining portal.

If I could just-

The portal closed just as I would have made it.

“Radio him!” I ordered, turning to Ratchet.

The medic sat heavily onto the ground, servos coming up to cradle his helm.

“Ratchet, call him!”

“He’s dead!” he roared back, face plates twisted into rage as he stared back at me.

No. No I could feel it, in my bones, in soul, Optimus was not dead. He couldn’t be.

“He’s… dead.” Ratchet repeated, softer this time, more emotion. He dropped his helm with a sigh, turning away from me before transforming into the ambulance.

“No.” I tried to sound sure, but it was so broken. “Ratchet please.” He remained silent, still. “Ratchet!” I screamed, dropping to my knees.

“No.” I tried to reassure myself. He wasn’t dead, Optimus wasn’t dead.

More tears gathered and fell as I wrapped my arms around myself, my nails digging into my skin.

Optimus couldn’t be dead. There was still so much we needed to do, to talk about. I needed to tell him I forgave him for what he said. I needed to tell him I didn’t hate him. That even if I meant nothing to him, I still needed him to know I don’t hate him. That no matter how hard he tried to push me away, I still cared about him so much. I needed to-

And then, like a wet cloth to the face, I realized I would never see his face again, hear his voice. I would never see Optimus Prime again.

The birds in the tree scattered at the unhuman sound that left me.

Commission Information

Tags: @nyan-toaster

[tahbhie]

So you want to write a novel before 2025 runs out, huh?

10 actions you should include in your list to make that dream a reality.

1. Practice Time Blocking  

Trust me, you need it. Allocating specific blocks of time for writing can significantly boost your productivity and help you stay focused. Emphasis on ‘stay focused’.

2. Have an Idea Reservoir or Tank 

Create a dedicated space to store all your ideas during brainstorming sessions or whenever inspiration strikes. I recommend Google Docs and Notion to keep everything organized and easily accessible.

3. Watch More Movies and Read New Books 

There's no better way to expand your horizons than consuming diverse media. This is such a great way to spark fresh ideas and provide new perspectives for your writing.

4. Listen to Writing Podcasts and Join Helpful Newsletters  

Stay updated and inspired by listening to writing podcasts and subscribing to newsletters that offer tips, advice, and industry news. It changes everytime. Who says 2025 would be any different? It's best to be prepared. 

5. Create a Playlist 

Arrange your favorite tracks in a way that suits your writing mood. Music can be a powerful tool to set the tone and mood. It helps you feel relaxed and aid scene projections. It also enhances your creativity.

6. Join an Active Writer's Community 

Yes, it's that important. Whether it's an online forum or a local group, being part of a community provides valuable feedback and critique. Engaging with fellow writers also offer support and motivation.

7. Build Your Social Presence  

I feel this isn't addressed enough. If you want people to get invested in your work, start promoting your book and what you do even before it's finished. Share your journey and let people fall in love with your process and personality.

8. Write a List of Comfortable Spots  

Identify and list the places where you feel most comfortable and productive while writing. Having a go-to spot can help you get into the right mindset.

9. Research Writing Tools 

Explore various writing tools and find the ones that work best for you. Discard the rest to avoid clutter and distraction.

10. Invest in Writing Courses  

If you can, take courses that will help you improve your craft. Courses are now made into digestible sections, covering an important segment of writing in elucidating details, which saves you the hassle of paying high figures for a course.

Lastly, go easy on yourself 

Understand that some days will be unproductive, and others will exceed your expectations. This doesn't make you any less of a writer. Love yourself for what you do, appreciate your work for what it is, and value your effort no matter the outcome. You need to love your work first before others will.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Happy new year fams 🥳🌹

[soft-twink]

Happy New Year, I spent it being high and fruity 🤪

Gorged myself on two cups of pasta with vodka sauce and ⅔ of a box of cocoa pebbles cereal. I wanted to keep going but my stomach was stretching to a point where I knew my body would reject it 🥴 weed tends to make you forget about limits.

2025 is the year I reach my goal weight. I’m less than 8 lbs away from being classified as overweight and I can’t fucking wait 😩 I want to gain more muscle and fat so badly its obscene lmao

A massive thank you to my followers, I cannot believe I have as many as I do and I’ve loved talking and being a slut for y’all this past year lol

2024 was rough on me. My last remaining grandparent died, I was fired unexpectedly from my job, I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, I saved literally no money, and moved twice due to personal conflicts that also affected my mental health. The US election speaks for itself.

BUT - being on tumblr and doing this has been a stress reliever as well as a welcoming place for me to express myself this way. I’m in a better place now, but I think I’d be considerably worse if I didn’t keep gaining weight. Stress makes me not eat, and being able to not only keep the weight on but actually pack on more has been such an important part of healing. Bonus points that I met my boyfriend here which has been the most surprising yet also most predictable place for it to happen 😂

Here’s to a better 2025 ✨

He/They

[aquaglow]

fitness guide for Beginners & Lazy Girls 💫

don't start off trying to fix the issue with money. if you're not an active person who enjoys exercise, you shouldn't be paying for a yearly sub to an expensive gym just because the new year sparkle made you feel like 2025 is your glow up year. this feeling will wear off and leave you with a sense of frustration and failure.

do start off with finding out what kind of movement makes you feel happy and makes you come back for more. try out different things. dance, run, play a sport, swim, lift weights, do yoga, whatever it is, and really get the feel of what releases all those good chems on your brain.

take it very easy at first. if you don't ever work out, there is literally no reason for you to be doing the most out of a sudden and trying to make up for lost time in one session. you will only harm your body and discourage yourself by feeling hurt. it takes a long time to get used to new movement. give your body time and take baby steps when you start.

learn about what your body is and what it can be. if you don't know the first thing about your anatomy and your nutritional habits, you will fall into easy traps that take away motivation and harm your discipline. (for example, when you're overweight and you start dieting and working out, you'll likely lose a lot of weight in the first weeks, more than a normal weight person would; you need to know that, so that when your weight loss slows down, you'll understand that it's not due to you failing but a natural part of the process.)

separate your health from your appearance. fitness will improve both, but you have to have a very clear line separating them because they are not inclusive of one another. you can look gorgeous and be unhealthy, and you can be healthy and not look like your ideal self. it's very important to know which is which, and to always prioritize your health.

you don't have to do a lot (you actually can't do a lot at first like I said above) but just doing whatever is not gonna cut it either. no, doing one minute of exercise daily is not gonna bring about health or appearance benefits, no matter how hardcore that one minute feels like. you should aim for at least 30 minutes of focused and continuous physical activity, because that's how you get results but also it's how you build an actual routine.

always remember that you can change whatever isn't working for you, at any time, for whatever reason you decide. if working out in the middle of the afternoon is better for you than working out as soon as you wake up, go for it. if you suddenly realize that you're not a pilates princess but actually a muscle mommy, go for it. don't get stuck trying to follow one path forever, go with the flow. remember that this journey will change you, so it's normal that your methods will change too.

be very honest about your diet, because you can't outrun your fork, especially if your fitness goal is to lose weight. yes, building muscle mass and using your energy expenditure on exercise will help, but it's your diet that determines whether your body is receiving more or less than it is giving away, and if you're in denial about how much or how healthy are your food decisions, then it will be really hard to balance it all out. I'm not saying you need to give up eating anything at all, but if you are in a position where your diet is harming your health and/or your appearance, then it is obvious that you will have to sacrifice something, whether cutting back on portions and frequency, whether it's actually cutting off some foods.

and finally, embrace your laziness! embrace that you dislike working out and that it's not your thing! trust me, exercise is not something you have to love in order to do. if you have to treat it as a necessity rather than a hobby or a fun activity, so what? if you accept that you're never gonna be one of those "the gym is addictive!" people, and still you manage to work out and stay fit, it's only gonna feel thatuch more amazing to you, because you'll know you're doing something you need to do even though you don't want to do it. don't deny or fight against your nature, work with it!

good luck, little star 💫

[nomoreusername]

Favoritism

Pairing:Newt x gender neutral reader

Summary:Newt's bias towards you is more than obvious.

As a second-in-command, Newt knew the rules were important. All of them. Staying in the Glade, doing their part, and never harming another Glader were all part of why everything ran smoothly. A place that had the chance to just be straight anarchy was one of order thanks to them.

As your boyfriend, Newt couldn't help but have a bias. No. You are not allowed to touch another Glader. Yes. Your temper was less than stellar. Sure. He would just happen to end up on your side of whatever the problem was.

“No, you don't understand. I was walking away. He kept talking,”You insisted as he lightly pressed a rag to your still bleeding nose. Something the Medjacks weren't exactly needed for. They were great and all, but Newt was sure he was competent enough to hold some cloth in place.

“You did what you were supposed to,”He defended.

“Exactly. He started it and kept it going. How was I supposed to be the bigger person?”

“He basically made it impossible,”He nodded, pulling the rag away.

“And he literally told me I wouldn't,”You added as he gently dabbed the dried blood off your face.

“And you wouldn't have if he didn't keep going.”

“I wouldn't have,”You agreed.

“Hey, earth to Newt and Y/N, the guy is totally busted up,”Clint reminded you both, pointing over his shoulder at the boy who was glaring at you when everything he had, two bandages on his face and bruises already showing up on his arms and shoulders.

Newt knew better than to start something again. Part of his job was to end drama. Not up the antics.

“That is bad,”He said in a completely serious voice. After all, his injuries were in fact pretty bad.

The boy knew better than to think he was going to get a better response from Newt than that. Everyone did at this point.

[yangqism]

we can't be friends | liu yangyang

actor!liu yangyang x actress!femreader

synopsis.yangyang is born to be a star, the kind of talent that lights up the screen. you, on the other hand, is a nepo baby who everyone believed got the lead role because of your family’s influence. he fought all these years to be the man that he is while you are still busy proving yourself to the populace. you believe you’re more than just your parents. he believes he’s less than without his fans. when your lives become intertwined, things get messy–one has never tasted consequences while the other lies awake at night, haunted by the thought of it.

genre. romance, angst

warnings. there's pretend kissing then there's real kissing where yangyang doesn't ask you, he just goes for it, i do not know the difference between drama and series so sorry <3

words. 8,812

eternal sunshine. masterlist

a/n. it gets better at the ending part so plZ just bear w me. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I'm turning 20 this year lol feels so scary if you think about it but whatever

The universe is unfair, but Yangyang has learned to live with that. 

It was unfair that he always played second to someone else. The second male lead, the second-best choice, the second most important. But he was never really bothered about it. Not until you waltzed your way into the picture. 

You still remember it vividly. It was a Monday afternoon, the first read through with the cast of Eternal Sunshine–a week before filming. He was already sitting beside the chair assigned to you, practicing his lines diligently while you took a sip from your coffee you ordered to-go. 

You greeted him with a warm smile but he only replied with a small and rushed one. Sure, he was your second lead in the drama but during that time, he made you feel unwanted. But who are you kidding? Of course, you were everything he wasn’t supposed to want. You’re the female lead, the one who would be with the male lead in the end. The center of attention. Realistically, you’re a nepo baby whose life had been handed to her on a silver platter, complete with designer shoes and an unearned (still) spotlight. But God, did you wear it well.

Whereas Yangyang had to work his way up. Every step of his journey was carved out of his determination and long nights filled with self-doubt, management’s uncertainty, and the media’s scrutiny. He wasn’t handed anything the first time he breathed in the land of showbiz. Every opportunity, recognition, and spotlight he’s getting right now is because he persevered. 

That’s what made sitting next to you on that Monday afternoon so excruciating. 

While he did smile to your way in a rushed manner, he viewed you as a person far differently than other people did when they looked your way. You were effortless in his eyes. Effortless in a manner that he could never be. Even in the most mundane moments like you sipping on your coffee, standing up to bow to anyone who comes in the script room, scrolling through your phone–you carried yourself with an air of belonging, like you had been born to inhabit the world he had clawed his way into. 

And yet, it wasn’t jealousy that twisted his chest when he looked at you. Heck, it was something worse. 

No matter how much he tried to deny it, when your mouth opened to read the script, Yangyang knew exactly what you were capable of. You weren’t just a nepo baby or some random female lead that the crew casted. You were the kind of actress everyone aspires to be. And also the kind of person who could uproot everything he’d worked so hard to build.

You first met Yangyang at a press conference after an award show your parents were invited for and you were their plus one. The journalist decided to pick on you, asking you pressing questions regarding your status in the industry. 

“What do you feel that everyone’s calling you a nepo baby, Ms. Y/N?” Well, you almost wish the journalist hadn’t called you ‘Miss’ if his question was like that. 

You just smiled at him awkwardly, never giving in to their pressing questions about your relevance in the acting industry. Afterall, you believe you’re more than just your parents. Sure, they opened this path for you but you’re working hard to show to everyone that you deserve that spot. 

You never really paid attention to the young actor during that time but you saw him looking at you while you were being interrogated by the rude journalist. Your eyes met for a brief moment before he broke it to talk to another actor. 

At first, Yangyang didn’t feel bad for you during that time, considering how he thought you were an annoying actress, like what he had heard from rumors. 

“Miss Y/N, what’s with you today? You keep on failing the scene,” the director yells another disappointed ‘cut!’ after you fumbled your lines with a scene with Sicheng. “Let’s take 5!” 

“I’m sorry, Sicheng,” you gave an apologetic smile to the star actor but he just shrugged and went to his assistant to freshen up. 

If there was one thing you loved about working with Sicheng, it was because he doesn’t really care about where you came from or what you did to become his female lead. He’s just there for work. A bonus is that he treats you nicely, he’s just nonchalant at times. Especially when that pop star comes into the set. 

“You’re too stiff, Y/N,” the sudden voice from behind your back startled you. You whip around to see Yangyang leaning casually against a prop stand, arms crossed and an amused grin tugging at his lips. 

“Your body’s too tense, that’s why you keep messing up,” he points out, tilting his head. “I saw it when you were delivering your lines.”  

“Oh, Yangyang-sunbaenim! I see, I’ll try to deliver these lines as smoothly as possible,” you replied, giving him a small smile.

“Practice it to me.” 

“Huh?”

“Practice your line to me and I can give you feedback, dummy,” Yangyang reiterated, his tone filled with playful impatience.

“O-oh! Uhm…” You focus, taking a deep breath before looking directly into his eyes, “Lei… I don’t think you can understand me… I don’t think we’re… we’re…” Your voice falters right where it did before. You clench your jaw, trying to force the words out, but they just won’t come. 

Your shoulders drop as you let out a sigh of defeat, “I don’t think I can do this,” you admit, your voice barely a whisper but Yangyang heard it. 

“You think you can’t because you want Lei and Riko to be together. You’re so immersed in your role right now, Y/N,” Yangyang scolded, giving you a bottle of water from his staff. 

“This isn't real, Y/N. You need to separate work and your personal feelings. If you want Lei and Riko to be together, they will in the end. Just not in this scene. Get yourself together and wrap this scene up so we can all go home,” he reaches up, ruffling your hair like you’re a little kid on the set, and before you can even process what he did, he’s already walking away, hands shoved in his pockets heading straight to annoy Kun.

“Separate work and personal feelings, huh?” You muttered, staring at the water he gave you. His words echo in your mind, louder than the busy mumbles of the crew around you. Maybe what he said is true considering how you can’t bear to think that Lei, Sicheng’s character, and Riko, your character, will end their love escapade for a few episodes before rekindling again.

“Y/N, Sicheng, back on stage!” The director yelled, giving you a brief smile before instructing the cameraman. “Do your best.” 

You nod, tightening your grip on the water bottle before setting it aside. Your feet move automatically, carrying you toward the place you’ll be delivering your line in. As you’re heading to your place, you can feel Yangyang’s eyes on you. 

You looked in his direction and he already had his signature gummy smile plastered on his face, “Do your best,” he mimicked the director’s voice, making you giggle.

It was a week after the first shooting for Eternal Sunshine that the director called you in her office for an emergency revision for the later episodes. 

You were wearing your favorite faded jeans with a long sleeve and a coffee on your hand. At first, you thought it was just gonna be you and the director but a sleepy Yangyang came into her office like it’s his second home.

“Greetings, Yangyang!” The director annoyingly scolded him, throwing a pillow at him when he immediately latched himself onto the sofa. 

“Hello, noona. Hello, Y/N.” 

“I’m very sorry about him, Ms. Y/N,” his manager, Huang Renjun, apologized on behalf of the second male lead. “He just came from an overnight shooting with Mr. Qian Kun. The two of them had to shoot their scenes more than once because the rookie actor kept messing up and they didn’t want to be assholes on set.” 

“Hey! What about an apology for me?” The director playfully demanded even though she had known the reason for Yangyang’s behavior beforehand. The director was like family for Yangyang and Renjun. This isn’t the first project they did together hence they’re comfortable with each other.

“As he said, Kun-ge,” Yangyang mentioned the golden boy and the three immediately saw the flabbergasted reaction of the director. “Kun-ge, Kun-ge, Kun-ge, Kun-” Yangyang teased, his smile grew wider as the director’s face became more embarrassed before having enough of his ministries. 

“Enough, second lead!” The director sassed, “I called you here today because there’s a change in the storyline we’re going to record for tomorrow,” she started as her assistant gave you and Yangyang the copy of the revised script and concept for the shoot. 

As you skimmed the pages, you realized that you and Yangyang’s character will be in close proximity, fully giving justice to his second male lead role. “As you can see, Riko and Jun will be closer to each other after Lei’s and Riko’s fall out. Of course, this will be brief as the latter couple will get back together,” she explained. “I just want the both of you to prepare yourselves. I know that the both of you have the least interaction throughout this series but you need to prepare… like, prepare,” she emphasized before adjourning the meeting, leaving you dazed. 

“After reading this script, I think Riko will fall harder for Jun than Lei,” you joked, already feeling the pressure as you saw a scene where you and Yangyang had to kiss. 

“Will you?” Yangyang asked, his tone was interrogating. 

You tilted your head, confused with what he meant, “Will I what, sunbaenim?”

But he just shrugged, telling you to prepare for tomorrow before leaving the office.

The ride on the way home was unusually quiet. 

“What do you think of him?” Your manager, Chenle, asked you.

“Of who?”

“Of Yangyang.”

You tried to think about what to say for a moment, “Well, he’s nice to me.” 

“That’s it?” Chenle glanced at you through the rearview mirror, one brow arched. “Nice? He’s Yangyang, Y/N. Everyone I heard who worked with him can’t get him out of their heads after.”

You rolled your eyes, leaning your head against the window. “He’s good at what he does. Professional. Maybe those people can’t separate work from their personal lives or whatever.”

“Professional, huh?” You can hear the smirk from Chenle’s tone.

“Just stop overthinking things, Chenle,” You sighed, dumping all of your body weight on the car seat. “Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day with him so you better not make any weird comments like whatever this conversation is.” “There’s nothing weird with the conversation we’re having, Y/N.” Chenle retorted, “I’m just hoping you could come to your senses tomorrow and do your best as an actress. You still have a lot to prove in the industry.”

“I know that.”

It’s tiring, honestly. For you, it’s a never ending quest of ‘proving’ yourself to the industry, general public, and your own family. It’s sad to think about how as a child, everyone was looking forward to your acting debut but once you did, all the nepotism news bombarded your career hence, you’re now known as the ‘nepo’ baby. 

You used to think of it as a positive thing, you never forgot to thank your parents in every interview for this opportunity as an actress because you know, since as a kid, that this is the path meant for you. It’s like you’re honoring them every chance you have but the public deemed it as ‘rubbing your nepotism face’ every chance you get. 

In the end, this whole issue got out of hand and you don’t mention your parents as much as you used to, even coming as close to declining films where they are starring in or in affiliation with in fear of the nepotism thing getting even bigger. 

The next day on set had this heavy atmosphere not usually there when it’s you and Sicheng filming. You think it’s probably with the revised script that got everyone on their edge because the crew were everywhere, ensuring all of the props and sets are nice and perfect for your shoot. 

It was also during this time that you realized the scene you’re about to do. 

It’s the middle part of Riko and Jun’s relationship where they kiss because they realized they love each other, only for a short period of time, and it ought to feel magical or else people would believe that Riko’s still in love with Lei and is using Jun but in the script, Riko’s in love with Jun, even if it’s just for a brief period. 

The director deemed it easier for the both of you to finish the hard scenes first before the others so as to ensure smooth filming in the later days of the schedule, considering that Yangyang and other actors in this series also has other schedules. 

“Relax,” Yangyang’s voice broke through your thoughts as you couldn’t shake your nerves.

First day with Yangyang as your character’s lover and you’re already about to kiss. What’s there to not be nervous about? 

He was leaning against the makeup station, dressed amazingly by his stylist. You think of his presence as effortless but right now, there’s a glint of something in his eyes–quiet yet intense. 

“I’m trying, sunbae,” you replied, turning to face him.

He stepped closer to where you are, lowering his voice so only you could hear. “You’re overthinking it, Y/N. It’s just a scene. We’re professionals, remember?” 

You nodded, but your hands were still trembling slightly. Yangyang saw your state and sighed. “Nepo babies,” he teased as he shook his head before giving you again a bottle of water. “Take a sip, madam. It will make you feel better.”

“I’m sorry for feeling nervous, sunbae.” You apologized as you took a sip from the water he gave you. “It’s just that… it’s my first kissing scene ever and I’m not familiar with the grounds for kissing in a scene.” you admitted. 

Yangyang’s smile was wide and charming as he listened to your confession, “Don’t worry, sunbae will guide you.”

It was show time and the director called you and Yangyang in for a brief summary again. 

“Look,” Yangyang said to catch your attention, “Think of this scene as an important moment for Jun and Riko. They came from heartbreaks and found comfort from each other,” he gave you an advice, “It’s like their enlightenment scene where they kiss and suddenly, all is well.”

You stared at him, trying to gauge what he had just said. “I’ll do my best,” you said shyly, offering him a small smile before walking to the center.

“I know you will,” Yangyang replied, his gummy smile returning. 

“Okay, lovebirds for a glimpse,” the director called. Lovebirds for a glimpse is you and Yangyang’s new nickname on set because of this RikoJun scene you’re doing. “Kiss your way!” was all she said before giving the both of you the cue. 

As the scene began, you convinced yourself that this isn’t about you. This is about Riko finding love again after what happened with Lei. This is her first kiss with someone who comforted her. And with that, you found yourself more at ease. 

Yangyang’s character approached yours, his eyes showed vulnerability and it almost felt too real when his orbs directly looked into yours. The lines flowing out of his mouth smoothly, as if he meant them. 

And when the moment came, when Jun leaned in and Riko didn’t pull away, it was like the rest of the world disappeared. 

The kiss was soft, hesitant, and lingering–exactly as it was supposed to be. Yangyang held your head with such gentleness while your hands found their way to his back, trying to get him closer to your body. 

You know it’s just pretend kissing but part of you wished it was real with the way Yangyang was holding you and your proximity, his warmth made you feel small in a way that is not condescending. He made you feel safe. 

When the two of you break the kiss, your eyes meet again. This time, you definitely went out of character as you looked at him deeply, fully portraying Riko’s yearning for him. Her ‘I found you’ moment. 

“Cut!” The director yelled ecstatically. “That was such a good scene!” 

You thanked the director while your mind was still in a daze as Yangyang gave you a small, reassuring nod–as if saying that you did well. You couldn’t help but give the actor a smile in return. 

As the crew buzzed around you again, you caught Chenle’s gaze from the sidelines. He raised a brow, smirking at your direction as if he knew something you didn’t. 

And maybe, he did. 

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Between the countless takes, script changes, and the director’s endless feedback, you barely had time to process anything. Except when Yangyang was in the same room as yours. You admire how his presence seems to fill every corner, tugging at your attention no matter how hard you try to focus on anything else. 

By the time you wrapped up for the day, your body ached from exhaustion, and all you wanted was to crawl into bed. At this time, you thoroughly expected a grumpy Chenle waiting for you in your dressing room but you were taken aback with what you got instead.

It was Yangyang, leaning against the wall near your dressing room, scrolling through his phone like he’s your boyfriend waiting for you to finish your shoot… you mean, what?

You hesitated to greet him but he looked up at you before you could even decide.

“Y/N,” he greeted, “Chenle’s out with Renjun. Figured I’ll wait for you instead, considering how late it is now.”

“Oh,” you mentally cursed your manager, your inner monologues filled with ‘How dare he’ and ‘How could he’. “It’s fine, sunbae. I can manage on my own.” 

Yangyang slipped his phone into his pocket, standing up straight in the process. “No, nepo baby. You’re gonna be with me until you enter the backdoor of your apartment.” 

You’re too tired to decline a persistent Yangyang that you just nodded before heading to the parking lot. “Long day,” you sighed, leaning into the car seat of Renjun’s van. 

“Tell me about it,” he responded as he started driving. 

You glanced at him, surprised, “I almost forgot! Aren’t you supposed to be staying for the night shoot?”

“Nah, Kun’s taking over because of changes again. Figured the director would have also preferred it that way,” he laughed as his hands smoothly maneuvered the steering wheel. 

You giggled at his response, “Sounds about right.” 

The two of you drove in an awkward silence for a while, the cold air conditioning of the van touches your body, making you shiver. 

“So,” he said eventually, looking at you for a brief period in his rearview mirror. “How’d it feel? The scene, I mean.”

You bit your lip, avoiding his brief glances at your place. “I don’t know,” you started, “It felt different… I don’t think I can find the right words to describe it right now, really.” 

You try to brush off his question with a laugh but you know deep inside your heart that you couldn’t just tell him you wished that the kiss was real. That you wish there was something more and that his glances at you earlier meant something. 

“But your advice did help a lot!” You tried changing the topic which you think was effective after he gave you a smug chuckle in return. 

“Told you.”

There was something easy about talking to him like this, away from the cameras and the crew and everything.

While driving, Yangyang made sure to take all the precautions he needed so as to not get caught with you in his manager’s van. Sure, he’s being friendly and acting like a dependable sunbae to you but he can’t afford being caught in a scandal, not with you. 

When you reached your destination, he made sure to contact the security to ensure no one was there before letting you go. 

“Thanks for earlier, sunbae! I don’t think I would’ve gotten through it without your reassurance.” 

He tilted his head, studying you for a moment before giving you a soft smile. “You would’ve been fine, with or without my advice. Give yourself some credit.” 

You stood frozen in the middle of your apartment’s parking lot at the sudden compliment. “Anyway, Y/N, get some good rest as tomorrow will be just as crazy as today.” 

“Yeah,” you nodded, “You too, sunbae, you too.”

By the time you reached your unit, you were surprised to see Chenle’s outdoor shoes in the entryway. 

“Yangyang said you’re out with Renjun,” your face turned sour at the sight of Chenle chilling on your sofa. “What a bad manager you are!”

“Yeah, yeah whatever. I left the restaurant earlier than Renjun.”

You didn’t mind what he said and went directly to your room to change. When you come back to your living room, he’s still in the same spot you left him a while ago. 

“What do you think of him now?” He asked again. This time, you already know who he was referring to. 

“He’s still fine and I still don’t understand why you’re doing this,” you rolled your eyes, joining him at your sofa. 

“He looks at you like you’re the lead of more than just the show, Y/N,” Chenle said slyly. 

“You’re overthinking things again, Chenle. Yangyang-sunbae is nice. I think we just have a good hoobae-sunbae relationship that’s why you’re acting like that,” you defended the actor. 

“I hope you’re right,” was all he said before placing all of his attention back to the television. 

At this point, you hope you’re right. 

It’s been a week since you spent time with Yangyang, filming the scenes for RikoJun and today, you guys are wrapping it all up–they’re gonna end their relationship and Lei will come back into the picture. 

“Missed me, Y/N?” Sicheng teased you. 

It’s also been a week since you last saw Sicheng, considering how busy he had gotten with his modelling gigs and sneaking out the pop star every night to his condominium. 

“You wish,” you retorted. 

“I heard you and Yangyang have a great chemistry,” he said again, his arms crossed to his chest.

“I like to think we do, too!” You gleefully replied, “His advice helped me a lot, especially during the heavy scenes we have together.”

Sicheng looked at you, “Mhm. I hope we still have that spark together after your time with him.”

Everyone on set was perplexed as to why Yangyang’s watching your scenes with Sicheng now, considering how he doesn’t have any upcoming shoots with you or with other actors of the drama today.

“Yang? Why are you here?” The director asked, completely puzzled to see the young man on set.

“Just wanna watch some of my colleagues, noona,” he showed off his gummy smile before proceeding to sit at the chair where the intern is supposed to sit. 

“Back off, Liu. The intern’s assigned there,” Hendery hissed, giving Yangyang a side eye before watching the younger one go away from the seat.

“Chill, Wong.” 

But Hendery didn’t give him any more attention, walking back to his van again to wait for the director’s orders. 

“Woah! What a tense situation you got there, Yang!” The director saw what happened, grinning ear to ear at Yangyang. 

“Shut up, noona. Why you gotta hire that man, anyways?”

“Well, he’s a good actor and he’s not rude to me,” 

“Whatever,” was all he said before looking for another seat to conquer.

After your shoot, you saw Yangyang outside your van, leaning against it while busying himself with his cellphone.

“Sunbae?” 

“Oh, Y/N. Already finished?” He asked, his eyes filled with joy as soon as he saw you in front of him. 

“Yeah. Why are you here, sunbae?” 

“N-nothing, Y/N. Have a great day.” 

You found it weird that Yangyang’s in front of your van yet left when you arrived but you didn’t divulge deep into the thought as your manager’s already waiting for you inside. 

“He was waiting for you,” Chenle told you the moment you sat on the leathered seat. “I thought he’s going to ask you out or something.”

“Please stop, Chenle. I know you like joking about stuff like that but he’s just a nice sunbae, that’s all!” 

“Drop the act, Y/N. I know you like him.”

This time, he’s right.

It started with the kiss scenes then the lovey-dovey shootings then came the drive-you-home extravaganza. Everything about Yangyang screams boyfriend for you. When he’d smile at you like you’re his most favorite thing in his world or when you’d be the only one he’d give techniques and advice on set, you knew what Chenle said about the man is right. 

At first, you were in-denial about it. Thinking that maybe you’re thinking this way about Yangyang because you can’t get your shit together and that you’re acting unprofessional. But, you know yourself. All this time, you are professional and diligent but his acts towards you aren't. 

Now, you’re here watching his character meet up with a new character the director added on a whim, saying something along the lines of ‘I’m sad Yangyang’s character didn’t have a partner.’

“Cut!” The director shouted, “That was a good run! Thank you, everyone!” 

The moment your eyes locked in with Yangyang, he immediately walked your way, not minding the new female character in his vicinity. 

“You were great out there,” you complimented. 

“Thanks,” he looked up before looking right into your eyes again, “But that’s just an act you know, what you saw earlier.”

“...I know?” You laughed. Of course, you know. You’re an actress for god’s sake!

“Just… saying,” he responded. “Anyways, are you free? Do you want to hangout with Sicheng and the rest?” 

You thought he’s about to ask you out on a date but Sicheng’s name flew out of his mouth and made your mood a bit down. 

“Sure, I’d love to,” you replied, opening your SMS app to message your manager about the said gathering.

You were about to sit beside Yangyang when the new actress beat you to it and told you to sit between Sicheng and Hendery. 

“It’s more fun if we sat beside our partners in the drama!” She suggested but you knew she just wanted to sit besides Yangyang. 

The table was tense, with the actress giving Yangyang a lot of food on his plate while you and the rest were quietly looking at the both of them. 

“I told Yangyang not to invite the newbie,” Hendery murmured. 

“Wouldn’t that be bad?” You asked, surprised he even talked to you. 

“So what? He could tell her I’m the one who suggested it.”

“That would be bad for you, then.”

“Everyone knows I’m bad. Much better for her to experience it sooner.’ 

You wanted to continue the conversation with Hendery more but he was clearly preoccupied with his ramen.

“That’s Hendery for you,” Sicheng smiled. “Here, get some of the beef I cooked.” 

“Thank you, Sicheng,” you thanked him as he put some cooked beef into your plate. 

From time to time, Yangyang kept on glancing at you while the new addition to the crew kept on pushing herself to the man. He was being uncomfortable because even though they rented a private section of this restaurant, rumors can still go and he can’t afford to have that. 

“He’s looking at you, Y/N,” Sicheng said, as if you hadn’t noticed it earlier. 

“I know, oppa. It feels weird.”

“Miss Y/N, you haven’t been touching your plate. Is everything alright?” Dejun asked rather loudly and everyone’s eyes on you now which made you feel small, especially when Yangyang’s gaze turned concerned. 

“Yes, Dejun-sunbae. I just feel full now,” you smiled at his direction which is a bit to the left whereas you were in the middle. 

“I’ll finish your food, Y/N. Give it to me,” Yangyang suddenly said, his right hand in your direction, waiting for you to give him your plate. 

“But–”

“Sicheng-ge, give me her plate,” you swear you could hear the newbie disagreeing with Yangyang but he didn’t mind.

Sicheng, being the biggest shipper of you and Yangyang, gladly followed the younger’s request. 

“Thank you, Yangyang-sunbae,” you said, eyes glinting with affection that everyone on the table didn’t miss. 

Of course, the both of you may not notice your deep fondness towards each other but everyone around you can feel it–they just don’t want to meddle with it. 

After everyone finished eating, you guys decided it would be better to part ways with each other and when the cast vanished into the busy streets of Seoul, you found yourself alone with Yangyang. 

“At last,” Yangyang jokingly said, nudging you playfully with his elbow while grinning from ear to ear. “At last, I can be with you alone!” 

Your heartbeat raced as you tried finding a reasonable response to him. “Don’t say that, sunbae!” 

“Why? Don’t you want to spend time with me?” 

“I like being with you, Yangyang-sunbae,” you responded, your tone was heartfelt but your execution was shy. 

Yangyang glanced at you for a while before forcing you to look back up at him, his fingers found your chin, racing it up so you could meet eye to eye. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this, Y/N.” 

“Mhm?” 

“You can stop calling me sunbae, you know,” he continued, “Just call me Yangyang, like everyone does.”

“But I don’t like calling you the way they do,” you argued, your lips forming a firm line. 

He just laughed at your stubbornness before ruffling your hair. 

“Okay, nepo baby. Just call me whatever you want,” he smiles at you genuinely, never getting tired of your little habits. 

“Okay, my dearest sunbae,” he laughs again this time but you truly meant what you had said. 

Sure, you might have other sunbae than him that you look up to and respect the most but none of them is Yangyang. None of them can make you feel the way he makes you feel. To you, he’s irreplaceable. 

Yangyang’s presence is a constant in your day as an actress. He’s always there, watching your scenes and cheering you on every chance he gets. He would also lean over your script, pointing out notes with an exaggerated seriousness that makes you not pay attention to him.

“You know, I could just ask the director,” you say, snatching the paper back.

“But I’m more fun,” he whines, leaning back with a pout. 

Then there are the quieter moments, like when you’re both reviewing scenes on his tablet, shoulder’s brushing as you sit close enough to share the screen. Or the way his hands would instinctively hand you a water bottle before you could even realize you’re thirsty. 

Or when he would always stay up late at night, waiting for you to wrap up your shoot before bidding you goodbye, watching you go inside your van before minding his own way home.

“Sunbae, you don’t have to wait for me everytime,” you say one evening as he lingers beside the director’s chair, watching you finish your last take for the day.

“And miss seeing you trip over your lines when you’re tired? No thanks,” he teased, flashing you a mischievous grin. 

You rolled your eyes at him, tossing a tissue towards his direction which he dodges with a dramatic flair. 

Moments like this have become the norm, not just to you but to everyone else. 

Everyone on set notices it. The way Yangyang’s eyes soften when he talks to you, the way your laughter is always louder in his presence. It’s in how he seems to move with you, like gravity itself pulls him into your orbit. 

“They’re so obvious,” the director complains jokingly. 

“Would you say anything, though?” Kun asked with a hushed tone, glancing at you both from across the room.

“Hell no.” 

To the crew, it’s an open secret that no one dares to talk about. To you and Yangyang, it’s just the way things are. 

And Chenle’s really worried for you.

You’re sitting in the dressing room, scrolling mindlessly on your phone while Chenle organizes your schedule for the following months. The buzzing voices and footsteps of the crew fades as you stand up for a while to close the door, creating a rare moment of peace and solitude in your otherwise hectic day, before sitting comfortably again. 

Chenle sets his laptop down on the table with a deliberate thud, breaking the comforting silence.

“We need to talk, Y/N,” he says, his tone filled with urgency.

You glance up, already sensing the shift in his usual sunny demeanor. “What is it this time?” You asked, trying to lift his mood up but it seems like your manager has no time for jokes or any of your ministrations. 

“It’s about Yangyang.”

You look at him puzzled, “What about him?” 

Chenle crossed his arms, his expression was stern. “Whatever’s going on between you two, it’s too much. Everyone on set sees it.” 

“So what if they do? People talk all the time,”you counter, feigning nonchalance, though your heartbeat races and you feel a knot tightening in your stomach. 

“This is serious, Y/N,” his tone now direct, “This isn’t just about people talking. You’re putting your reputation and his career at risk!” 

You roll your eyes at what he had said, leaning back in your chair. “Chenle, it’s not that serious. Even if something happens, my parents can fix it. They’ve done it before. Don’t worry.” 

“See? That’s exactly the problem Y/N,” he snaps, “You’re so used to your parents cleaning up after you that you don’t even see how dangerous this is for him,” you could tell his frustration is boiling over but you don’t seem to understand why he’s angry. “Sure, you can tell everyone how you’re so much more of your name or your parents. You can decline any movies or series with their name, but that action of yours. This action of yours is why people still think you’re a nepo baby.” 

Your eyebrows furrow, feeling confused. “I’m not doing anything wrong, Chenle. I’m sure Yangyang knows how to handle himself.”

“Does he?” Chenle laughs at your naivety. “Do you have any idea how hard he’s worked to get here? He doesn’t have the privilege of a safety net like you, Y/N,” he pauses for a moment, trying to catch his breath. “One scandal, one rumor, and everything he’s built is gone.”

You’re quiet for a moment. The weight of his words made you understand where he’s coming from but your response only deepened the rift. “Okay, fine. If it comes to that, I’ll handle it. My parents will definitely make sure nothing happens to him either. I’m sure of it.” 

Chenle was cynical after hearing what you have just said. “You don’t get it, do you? This isn’t about who your parents can pay off. It’s about respect. Respect for his work, his sacrifices, his entire life!” 

Outside the door, Yangyang stands frozen, his hand stuck on the knob. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on you and Chenle’s conversation, he just wanted to hang out with you today but instead, he got to hear your careless and out of touch words, making his chest tighten. 

He hears Chenle’s voice lower, ultimately giving off the vibes that he’s intensely irritated at what you have said. “You’re so caught up in thinking everything will be fine because it always is for you. But for him? It’s not. And if you really care about him, you’d stop pretending this isn’t a big deal. Stop whatever is going on with you two, Y/N.” 

Yangyang doesn’t want to hear anymore of what you guys are talking about. His stomach churns as he walks away, Chenle’s words and your indifference playing over and over in his head.

The ride home was quiet but not the quiet you wanted to have with Chenle. You genuinely can’t understand why he’s so exasperated with you when you’re just telling the truth. You can’t seem to find the problem with your parents paying off tabloids and threatening news agencies to keep the rumors about you and Yangyang out of the public eye.

And maybe, just maybe, the reason why you can’t find the problem with what you have said is because you’d never truly had to worry about the consequences of your actions. For you, it was simple: if things went wrong, you had the means to make it right.

“Chenle,” you finally broke the silence, your voice softer now. “I didn’t mean to upset you earlier. I thought I was being practical, you know? Looking out for everyone… I don’t know. Maybe I’ve missed something.” 

Chenle’s hand tightened around the steering wheel of the van and you could see the tension in his shoulders. “It’s not just about you, Y/N,” he said, “It’s about Yangyang too. You have no idea how much risk he had put out on himself just so you could be close with him the way you are with him now. How he’d probably be in his bed every night, thinking when or where news would break out about you two but still continue to act like your lover day by day. You have no idea how much he’s risked for you and here you are, thinking everything can be handled with a few phone calls from your parents.” 

His words stung more now, the sharpness of them cutting through your confusion. You tried to open your mouth to speak but nothing came out. This time, you knew Chenle was right. You have no idea. 

“Do you really think this is just a game for him, Y/N?” Chenle continued, “I know, it’s partly my fault for letting him drive you home that night and for not giving you a heads up but I didn’t think it could go deeper. I didn’t think it could end up like this.”

“It’s not your fault, Chenle. I just… I just didn’t think of it like that,” you murmured, your voice almost too quiet for him to hear. “I just thought that… that it’s the way things work for me. I didn’t realize our situation could put him in a worse situation than me.” 

Chenle’s expression softened at your confession, “I know you didn’t. But that’s why I need you to start seeing it from his side. From his perspective. This isn’t about what you can fix or what you think you can get away with.”

Betrayed is an understatement of how Yangyang feels right now. Hearing Chenle’s frustration and your clueless words earlier made his heart twist uncomfortably. Just when he thought everything was okay. Just when he thought it was okay to let his guard down for you. You just had to let him feel different from you. 

“What are you going to do, Yang?” Renjun asked, sighing as he saw his talent leaning against the window of his car. He had heard about you and your manager’s dispute from Yangyang. The young man was already on the verge of crying when Renjun calmed him down, even just for a moment.

“I knew we shouldn’t have gone that far into whatever we had, ge.” 

“I’m sure Y/N had her reasons as to why she said those things, Yang,” Renjun tried to save you from Yangyang but he knew it’s no use. 

Knowing Yangyang, Renjun’s too sure that the boy will completely distance himself from you, considering how he just realized how dangerous it is for him to fall for someone like you. 

“No, ge. This has to stop. Whatever this is. Chenle’s right. Even if I hadn’t heard her talking with her manager, I can’t let things go that far, ge. I have a career to uphold,” Yangyang sighed, “What would the public think if they learned about us? It’s so scary.”

“You’re overthinking again. Try to talk things with her tomorrow, maybe it’ll clear your mind.”

Tomorrow came and Yangyang dreaded it the most. You, on the other hand, are oblivious to the fact that your potential significant other potentially heard your conflict with Chenle last night. 

“Yang-sunbae!” You greeted, still clueless. 

With you greeting him with a huge smile that could cure the world, Yangyang wished he hadn’t heard what you had said yesterday. Yangyang wished this could go on. Yangyang wished you guys were just ordinary people. 

“I heard your conversation with Chenle,” he wasted no time. Yangyang spoke to you with the coldest tone he could muster but his insides were shaking. 

“Hm?” You were confused. 

What conversation with Chenle? You thought. 

Oh. You realized. 

Oh.

“Must be nice for you, huh? To not be worried about your career because your parents can clean your mess up,” his words cut you like a knife. He swore to himself to become calm once you met him but Yangyang felt overwhelmed. 

“What are you-” you couldn’t even continue what you were about to say because he interrupted you again, his disappointment in you evident in his eyes.

“I like you, Y/N.”

Those were the words you hoped Yangyang would one day say to you but his tone wasn’t the way to put it. You felt no butterflies in your stomach because you know this is not the confession where the both of you would end up together. More like a confession where you’d end up alone. 

“I like you too, Yangyang-sunbae,” you try. You hoped that he would calm down. That this revelation of feelings would soothe him and make him realize that everything is okay. That he’d realize you’re ready to risk everything for him.

But deep down, you know you’re just a fool for even confessing. 

Yangyang shook his head, “I like you, Y/N,” he repeated, “But we should stop. Your manager is right. What we have right now shouldn’t continue. We’re not allowed to be like this,” his voice cracks at the end of his sentence. 

A confession and a closure at the same dialogue? Yangyang is the only one who could do that.

“Yang…” but he didn’t respond. You look at his figure walking out of the set. 

You cried at where he had left you. You look like a fool there, with the director coming at your direction, completely confused as to why Yangyang left so suddenly and why you were left there, sobbing. 

“No amount of public hate could make me hurt the way his words did,” you cry at the director’s shoulder. You were almost shaking. 

It was your first ever rejection you have received your whole life. Sure, some individuals do not accept you in this field but his rejection of you was personal. 

“Why’d you do that to her?” Yangyang found it surprising that Hendery was the one to ask him why. Out of all the people in the set, this young and rude man was the first one to ask him why. 

“She can’t understand me or my situation. She can never understand it,” Yangyang just replied as he brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply as smoke curled up in the air. 

“You should have known that from the start, considering she’s a product of nepotism,” Hendery replied. Him, too, lighting up his own cig. 

“She’s more than what the public thinks of her,” Yangyang argued, “But, I think I have overestimated her.” 

Yangyang didn’t mean to leave you crying, he felt hurt himself. When he saw you earlier, memories of yesterday flooded his mind, overwhelming him and causing him to say whatever came to mind in that moment.

He was terrified that he would become nothing once the news about you two broke. The thought of a dating scandal uprooting all the sacrifices he had made for his career filled him with dread. In truth, he was afraid of you.

From the first time he saw you at the read-throughs, he sensed something about you could destroy him. Still, he tried until all that remained was the painful realization that you couldn’t be with him.

Hendery didn’t respond to Yangyang anymore. Instead, he just stood there while Yangyang found himself sitting with his truth in silence, grappling with the weight of his emotions. It was just him, Hendery, and the unspoken fears that lingered between you two, a reminder of what could never be.

“I know this is bad timing but the editing team accidentally deleted a kissing scene from Riko and Jun and now–” the director was frantic, almost worried for you and Yangyang but Kun calmed her down.

“Breathe,” he said, patting the back of the director to soothe her.

“Thank you,” she smiled before continuing, “I need the two of you to get your act together and film this one, just one, scene again.”

Yangyang didn’t reply, as if he’s distracted with something. You, on the other hand, gave the director a small nod. 

It was the day after the confession-closure thing and you kinda accepted to yourself that while he has become wary with you, you’re still willing to accept him. Even if it takes a lifetime. 

“Good morning, sunbae!” You gave him your best, energetic smile but he just gave you a nod. 

“At least, he acknowledged you,” Sicheng’s makeup artist felt bad for you so she tried to cheer you up. 

“Okay, Y/N and Yangyang! Give us your best shot!” The director calls, you breathe deeply before looking straight into Yangyang’s, you mean, Jun’s eyes. 

Be professional, Y/N! You scold yourself.

Yangyang immediately dives into the kissing scene, leaving you no room to mentally prepare for it. 

The kiss was fierce and desperate. You feel as if you’re trying to consume each other, pouring all your unspoken words and pent-up feelings into this single moment.

Your hands find their way to his hair, pulling him closer as if afraid he might disappear. He responds by deepening the kiss, his hands gripping your waist tightly, grounding you both in this whirlwind of passion.

It’s as if you guys weren’t Riko and Jun. The pretend kiss was extremely intense, everyone on set felt that it was genuine than it was supposed to be. But the director liked it. 

“Cut!” The director shouted and Yangyang was quick enough to detach himself from you. “That was a good one-take!”

You weren’t able to respond because Yangyang was already leading you to a secluded place.

“Hey! Wait!” You try to make him stop, “The director’s not finished talking, sunbae.”

Once he deems it’s safe enough, he looks at you before sighing deeply. He leans into you, kissing you for real this time. 

Yangyang doesn’t know if this is your first kiss but you don’t care at all. You close your eyes, feeling the moment. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he says, breathless.

“I should be the one apologizing, sunbae.”

Yangyang inhales, looking straight into your eyes, “It’s just… it’s just I’m afraid to disappoint them, Y/N. My fans. The public. I don’t like the way they’d paint me if we’re revealed.” 

“It’s okay, really. At least, you told me now,” you give him a half smile. 

In that instant, you realize how much you’re willing to risk for him. You were so easy to forgive him that you’d already forgotten what he had made you feel yesterday. But there’s this thought that has been eating you since then… that Yangyang’s not ready to risk what you’re ready to give him. 

“Look,” you were determined to make this right. “I know it’s complicated but–” 

He shakes his head harshly, cutting you off. “No, Y/N. You don’t understand this ‘complicated’ you’re talking about. I like you, Y/N. I genuinely, deeply fell for you but I can’t afford to risk my career or put you in danger of being even more hated by the general public.” 

“Yangyang-sunbae,” your voice was trembling but you still gave him a forced smile, “We can still be friends, you know?” You don’t want to be friends with him but if that’s the only way to keep him around, you’re willing. 

“No, Y/N. We can’t be friends.” 

“Why not?” You plead, desperate for him to explain whatever he has on his mind because he’s been puzzling you since earlier. 

“Because I like you more than friends do,” he admits, his voice betraying him again. 

The confession sends a rush of emotions through you, “So what does this mean for us?”

“It means…” He hesitates again, his brow furrowing, knowing that whatever comes out of his mouth next will change his relationship with you. “It means I have to lose you to protect you.”

The words hit you like a punch to the face. You want to scream that it’s not fair, that love shouldn’t come with conditions or sacrifices, but only a shaky breath left your lips.

“Yangyang-sunbae,” you say softly, stepping closer again despite the chasm between your desires and his fears. “I don’t want to lose you.”

He looks at you then, really looks at you, and for a fleeting moment, it feels like time stands still. In those gaze of his lies everything unspoken: the love that burns fiercely but is overpowered by his fear.

“I wish things were different,” he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion.

You reach out, fingers brushing against his hand, wishing for him to reconsider. But deep down, you know he’s already made up his mind.

“It’s premiere day!” The director gleamed. 

“Sicheng, you ready?” You ask your lead partner.

“Ask yourself first if you’re ready,” he replied. And he’s right about it, considering how this is the first time you’re going to see Yangyang again after your closure. 

The venue was filled with energy, cameras flashing from left to right, fans cheering for every cast member, and the buzz of excitement filling every corner of the room. You take a deep breath before diving in with Sicheng at the stage, reminding yourself of the work you had put into this series. 

The lights were blinding you and Sicheng and you can’t even hear the cheers of your fans with your heart thumping incredibly loud and fast. As you pose for photos, your eyes can’t help but wander to Yangyang. And when you did? Your heart almost dropped.

Yangyang looked dapper in his suit, standing with his partner in the drama as well as the other cast members. He catches your gaze for a second before continuing to smile at the cameras pointed at him. You can’t help but feel a pang in your chest. 

You mean, what’s the point of looking that good if there’s a distance between the both of you?

After the dashing and successful premiere of Eternal Sunshine, you find yourself at the after-party where only the crew and the cast were invited. 

The atmosphere was celebratory, filled with laughter and clinking of glasses. Heck, you even heard someone say that this drama is going to be a hit and that you deeply hope. But your mind wanders to Yangyang, sitting at the side with Hendery, exchanging small talks with the man every once in a while. 

You don’t know what came to you at that exact moment but you can’t help yourself. Your feet found its way towards an unsuspecting Yangyang. 

You first greeted Hendery, who even though feels the atmosphere didn’t need his presence there, didn’t give a single care and continued to eat. 

“Y/N,” Yangyang greeted you first.

“Hey,” you smile softly at him before leaning to his level, whispering, “I just want you to know that I’ll wait for your love, Yang.” 

It was the first time Yangyang had heard you call him without honorifics, making him flustered and shocked. He was about to respond to you but you shushed him, walking towards the area where the director is to talk with her. 

You know that there’s no need for further explanation because deep down inside, you're resolute: you’ll absolutely wait for his love. You like this man deeply, more than words can explain, and no matter how long it takes you're willing to endure it all for him.

COMING UP NEXT. “Yeah, but it’s so weird because you can feel the tension and I think it’d be even weirder now because they’re wrapping up the first season and Ten has to get the interesting bits while the makeup artist has to make sure Sicheng is the interesting bit.”