#and im not always sure how to process it
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The Forest
11/5/2024
(A poem I wrote yesterday, below the cut.)
If a bear falls in the forest does anybody care?
Does the stench of rotten fur and flesh waft through the air?
Do the pitch black claws maul at nothing?
While the ears perk and snout sniff no more?
With its mouth agape, the ghost of a roar?
A smile or a snarl? Nobody's sure.
Yet still its life is trapped, in a spiritual rigor mortis.
Like blood drawn from a stone,
Fighting to seep out as easy as the putrefaction.
Wiggling its way from underneath the decomposing heart
Cushioning the lungs with a pale imitation of breath.
Slipping through the bloodstream,
Filling the belly and the bladder and the bowels,
Swirling through the mind, trying to find a way back.
And then
Like a life deferred
It dies
With the snap of a branch.
In the eyes of an onlooker
Wide, brown, soft, disbelieving.
It dies,
from the still-bared claws
to the soft pert ears.
And as it decomposes on that now quiet forest floor
There is nothing to stop the flesh from sallowing.
The fur mixes with the kindling and grasses,
And the body bloats, though not with life.
And as the decay overtakes the wretched animal
The onlooker falls on bended knee, retches, and weeps.
#poetry#original poem#i wrote this yesterday and I really wanted to share it#there is a lot of grief and pain happening right now#and im not always sure how to process it#but I wrote this and it made me feel something#i hope you take some time and are gentle with yourself today#i love you#tw death#tw decomposition#tw bears
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MALUTHHH!!!!
#library of ruina#library of ruina spoilers#lor spoilers#because ego gear. thumbs up . not sure if it counts or no im countong it#malkuth#malkuth lor#other patrons as well. and angela. should i?? tag?? maybe#just one (1) as a treat. as because theyre just a small part i suppose#yesod#hod#netzach#angela lor#MALKUTH!!!!! i havent drawn just her or just meant for her in awhile. glad to. missed you malkuth#i dont really know how to draw drimples. not really noticable i think... its okay ?#AHH ERMM OOPS#lobotomy corporation spoilers#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobcorp#lobotomy corporation#malkuth lobcorp#i always fret over having too many tags. .. itll be okay......#i really like the idea of angela being huged. more specifically having someing kind of lunge/suprise hug her. because it isnt a suprise?#shed know because of her slower processing speed. so its less of a suprise heres a hug! and more of a really happy one that she willingly#allows herself to be pushed back a little by. my brain is pretty friend after drawing for a few hours straight but general idea#just any action that would be smthn like touching/taking. shed have to be comfortable to let it happen#anyways MALKUTH!! ahhh maljuth another doodlepage but for her because she sso 💥💥#for snow whites apple wanted to have her looking commanding. my control team sephirot queen pointing to where i must kill. im on it boss#dont know how well it translated iver from thought though. its okay
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super disorganized sketch page because i do what i want
#my art#not sure if i wanna tag these... hrm#i wonder if alt text shows up in search results.... shudders#well anyway. i wanna ramble about these!!#for willy mafton: i've been working on designing more of the human cast. mainly all the big name important ones#it's been a slow process + a little challenging but i like getting the chance to practice drawing faces! :]#in regards to His design specifically.. it's very much based off of his movie apperance#but with a reference to that Classic sprite thrown in#bc i thought making him a little cartoony and inhuman would fit him :] but idk im not an expert on his character or anything#about the rabbit lady: i forgot how i had that idea initially but it ended up looking so fucking cool tbh#im always a fan of making her design less of a feminine eye candy type of design and more of a Spooky Murderer type >:3c#it also gave me the idea to try making some similar designs for the glams...#but if i do that im not gonna be giving them that vintage rubber mask look... since they're meant to be super flashy and high tech looking#so i was thinking they could have faces with more of a silicone texture.. and that have a style based more off of their in game art work :]#so they'd be like giant dolls with weird moving faces rather than having a vintage animatronic look#also that van in the bottom middle is 100% a homage to a specific user i wont be mentioning but iykyk HFJZJFJF#ANYWAY the 🌞�� stuff: dont be weird about it please HFJZJG#im aware that these tags are very easy to ignore but like. genuinely pls dont be weird about them#dont romanticize it. its not meant to be ''y/ndere'' or anything like that#its actually a bit personal to me so like... interpret it as you like but be aware its not meant to be a happy or positive thing#anyway i think thats all i have to say... i've been trying to branch out a tiny bit regarding the things i draw#it's always nice to challenge yourself even if its tough... especially if its tough!!#i mainly draw just for my own sake but i hope ppl see something they like here#these tags got so fucking long oops... i'll stop now JFKZJFKSJGKSJG
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save them tbh
#my art lol#shitpost#vocaloid#flower vocaloid#fukase vocaloid#oliver vocaloid#utatane piko#zhiyu moke#stupid joke i've been meaning to make for a while lmao. 'quick' doodles done in an attempt to save my mental state a bit (didnt work)#i'm sure moke's got issues too but nothing overtly bad ever happens to him in my shit i think... but thats more bc i forget abt him 😭#i think i keep accidentally proving my theory that vocaloid is my default hyperfix bc especially more so in times of stress i go back to it#and bc ive been doing rly bad lately YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!! inflict the horrors on those poor guys. 😇😇😇#im not gonna get too into it rn bc im just gonna post this + something else rq and then i really have to get back to studying#but my faves always always suffer thats just the rules of how my art works lol.#its my trauma and i get to pass it on to fictional characters of my choosing in an attempt to cope and process it!#because as much as bad shit happens to them SOMETIMES they get happy ends. and if thats possible for them maybe one day for me...
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waow
#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly#in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it#or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder#a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like#the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol#but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was#it was just me and brandy for a while#but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today#i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed#i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most#on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO#the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol#im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess#ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry#idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account#keyword some. i know this is tumblr#but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol#i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place#idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise#but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this#maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it#bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me
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Does the Hidden City have any therapists Dontron could seek in the future? Because God love em, these kids are trying but they are. *Kids*. And a horrifically traumatized & depressed rat dad
unfortunately they're not registered as hidden city citizens, probably dont have the money for it (it's not like donnie's. uh. capable of doing much right now), and have a history of being arrested and conspiring with criminals (draxum). although ive always kind of imagined draxum would receive a full pardon after the s2 finale and this would eventually be rectified, so there's a possibility! if they ever did it'd probably be around post-movie times. it'd be a whole process but i could definitely see them considering it.
#ask#canary continuity#im sure me being poor doesnt reflect in my writing at all#judging by big mama they definitely are doing some capitalisms down there so i have commentary on it#id imagine being a mutant is difficult when youre not set in the hidden city and are ousted by humans#its a real nasty middle ground. and im sure there's some prejudice from yokai#also mind you therapy is.... a process. and not always helpful#ive had a really traumatic experience with a therapist#its hard to say how effective it would be. its very unprecedented as a situation#and there'd be cycling through therapists too... idk#a lot of stories portray that as a natural conclusion and the best possible one#and that's fine!! but i dont really think its. the angle i wanna go for#especially considering the fact that the hamatos have like soooo many allegories under their belt and POOR is one of them#i mean they are. they are poor#id want to capture that experience as best i can#especially as someone who's gone through it#also its fun to watch them fester in their problems a little bit..... make each other a little worse.... its more narratively interesting
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real talk i actually do put like. an unreasonable amount of effort into my textpost memes behind the scenes so it's actually really rewarding to get to share them thanks for putting up with my antics
#zanna talks#like first off i'm always doing my best to make sure they are not only in character but actually over a frame that makes SENSE in context#(many of my memes are incredibly situationally specific bc of this)#but on top of that i want them all to be consistently formatted so i have to track down the og textpost to get my own screenshot if#the one i have on hand is too low quality/weirdly formatted/in one of the tumblr color palettes other than classic#which adds a lot of extra work. but i want them to be nice and consistent and i want ppl to be able to screenshot the textpost for their#OWN textpost memes and have it look nice bc how i started out was by doing that and it's HARD to find non-crunchy ones sometimes#and THEN i have all the extra work of getting 1080p screenshots (forgive me. some are 720p and you can TELL. my wifi is bad) which#(bc of bad wifi) takes HOURS. and then i have to format them all so they're the same pixel ratio without weird white lines anywhere.#and THEN i have to put the textpost on top and arrange it so it looks nice graphically#and THEN i have to arrange them all in sets in chronological order but without too many from one movie or scene or of one character#(this is bc i am a freak)#so like. by the time u see these things i have put HOURS of work and careful consideration and curation into them#i do not do this lightly im deeply unwell#so yeah um. this has been a Post. explaining my unhinged process.#did i mention ive made over 200 for narnia hahahhahahah anyway#(and yes the fact that the tumnus one i made is on dark mode means i spent A FULL HOUR trying to find the og or a different screenshot#and could not and that KILLS ME.)
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Its so crazy when you play a game in dub(or watch smth ig) and you listen to the other ones(in this case, the intended language) and its like HUHHHH!?!?! My boy does NOT sound like that !!!
#fuck me tho bcs in my attempts to find a clip of him speaking in eng#i looked clips up on yt instead of changing my settings cause duh#and just fucking spoiled myself for a thousand things in the process 😭😭😭😭#me at me: forget forget forget forget FORGET FORGET#anyways i do not understand his eng voice it sounds nothing like how i perceive him like ?????????#french dub ON top#im like gaaahhhh ong hes so hot bark bark. oh wait i wonder how he was actually intended to sound#cause honestly his voice is a big part of his attractiveness to me#but his eng voice is SOOOO bleh to me. but id need to hear more and im not willing to spoil myself#but god. tho kinda ironic cause i think his model and voice are the same dude. sry sir but im not a fan LOL#*btw i mean arno why am i always so vague 😭#the vibe is sooooo different its actually insane to me#i was like im sure his eng voice is great! nah. tho maybe its cause hes stuck in my brain as the french voice#also may i say one of my biggest pet peeves? its fine or whatever to have smth take place in a country with a foreign language but-#-still have the language be english. that's just a realistic expectation for anglo made projects yknow#BUT GOD. WHEN THEY DONT EVEN FUCKING AT LEAST TRY TO HAVE AN ACCENT MIRRORING WHERE THEY ARE#WHY ARE YOU A FRENCHMAN IN FRANCE SPEAKING ENG WITH A TOTALLY BRITISH ENG#WHY ARE YOU AN AUSTRIA IN AUSTRIA SPEAKING ENG WITH A BLATANT AMERICAN ACCENT#etc etc. theres sometimes where i dont absolutely hate it. but it bugs the shit out of me#especially bcs id rather watch smth in the language where it takes place bcs its more immersive. so like. at least try w the accent#catie.rambling.txt
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if im bein real i am so deeply frustrated with my art every single thing i draw looks and feels wrong everythings worse than i envision it feels like i cant seriously improve anymore i cant decide on a style i like doing i cant find a brush that does what i want i have no creativity or self expression i only feel remotely skilled when im using an exact reference and even if im satisfied with a finished product its still not good enough and feels like i will never be good enough to be successful and why is instagram full of teenagers that are better than me and how fucking good would i be now if high school me didnt slow down drawing and university me didnt almost completely stop drawing. so anyways
#im sooooo. i cant even process how deeply pissed off i am constantly#NOTHINGS RIGHT NOTHING FITS NOTHING WORKS DUDE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE#ik im just. havign growing pains. been having growing pains for years but theres no way ive hit my ceiling at age 23#ik i just need to keep practicing and i have some bad habits that r making me stuck and i just gotta. study more work harder practice more#i know i KNOW ive just got a boulder sized roadblock and there has to be a way to get past it but I CANT FIGURE IT OUT#ik my weaknesses but even when i try to fix them i still do them#i dont draw guidelines so things turn out wonky and the volume and perspective of 3d forms is always wrong#i wish i could go more cartoony so i didnt need to do so much but i Know things beinf detailed n realistically proportioned is more my style#but also if i go to realistic then everythings fucking boring#but i havent done non realistic shit in years and i have no style so im just fumbling around#GOD IM JUST SO FUCKING OVER IT DUDE#and social media makes it worse i feel like how my art performs online is gaslighting me and i cant trust my instincts anymore#like if i think i like how smth turned out. and then i post it and its crickets everywhere im like. Am i crazy do i actually suck#is this really bad and i have no idea. WHAT THE FUCK#and ik letting external validation get to me like that is bad but im just like. none of this would be so fucking difficult if i was better#esp now that ive quit my job i sure would love to ignore numbers but i gotta grow and get better to get commissions i dont got a CHOICE#and also i just constantly see art thats better than mine and its confusing yk#i feel like. i need to stay offline for like a week#predownload some work from some artists i like as a few concrete inspirations. study anatomy books. work without anybody watchcing me#or me watching anyone else#yk#but also i have no life if im offline for a week that means i get like no social interaction besides my parents for a week#I DONT FUCKING KNOW#IM SO FRUSTRATED#i feel like im constantly complaining but its constantly bottling up like shook pop#x
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seeing the idea that haz/bin and hell/uva should've taken place in an alternate universe instead of being connected canon and honestly i'm not sure i disagree now. i do wonder how much stuff they've locked themselves entirely out of using in both shows because of legal issues. its already kind of noticeable + not super thrilled with the idea that in order to fully understand the lore there's 2 shows you'd have to consume that aren't allowed to directly refer to each other
#not tagging this one thats why theres slashes this ultimately isnt a big deal honestly just thinking out loud#lucifers absence is already glaringly awkward in mastermind#like literal king of hell btw we are going to avoid saying anything too specific or showing imagery of our interpretation of lucifer#because we arent allowed#and now literally every sin other than lucifer is spent on hell/uva instead of hazbin#which had a direct reference to bephelgor before she even turned up in helluva#and ik its not as big of a deal for a show constrained entirely to the pride ring#but i wonder sometimes if it was worth it#surely evening out the distribution of important figures in demonology between the shows would've been better though#like every sin except pride and prominent ars goetia are stuck in helluva now who are like. a huge deal in hells hierarchy in this show#ofc theres always more demonology to pull from but yknow yknow. its awkward. the sins and the goetia are important#powerful figures but entirely absent from the heaven vs hell conflict which could effect all of them eventually#im sure they can figure out how to crossover one day honestly but is the process for that even worth it atp#like again there are bigger issues im just thining abt this rn for some reason
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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side note. im just upset now about how it feels like my work is no longer belonging to me. I dont get to choose what it is put into. it is now a comodity for whoever believes that they have a right to my work.
When I work in an art-based industry, what I produce will not be my own. It will be owned by another company who hired me. I could spend hours on it and pour my life force into what I create, but it could be held by the company and not released or released and removed from my ownership.
Now tumblr is the same. now every website is the same. You never have control of what you post forever. You never get to choose what happens to your online work. But now I know that what I post will go directly into the content meatgrinder that is AI technology. I will not get to choose this. I will not get to own my work any more. Even if I opt out, even if thousands of users opt out, not everybody will. Not everybody will know. Not everybody will want to. Not everybody will be bothered.
Theres a difference between individuals reposting my work onto pinterest and an entire blog being fed into AI. Theres a difference between a single human feeding artwork that isnt theirs into AI and an automatic process in which my data, my artwork, my life is being fed into AI. I will never own my own work again unless I keep it directly next to me and never share it.
Im debating pulling all of my work from this website.
#fish talks#Im not sure what to do#I dont want my stuff used I want it to be enjoyed#but how can i enjoy my work being enjoyed by people and websites that i cant trust#i really dont know what to do about this#I think tomorrow Im going to ask someone for their pov#he's always given me good advice on AI debates idk#and I know most of the terms in this will be wrong and thats because I dont know how to phrase the processes of AI#Im not a machine. Dont treat my art as a product. Treat me as a person. as an artist.#dont treat me as something to be sold.#this year hasnt been my most productive year#I dont need likes and reblogs as much as I used to#But I also dont see how I am supposed to grow my 'brand' as someone who dreams of being an online professional if I cant enjoy being online#if i cant trust the websites that i use#idk. this is confusing#much less to mention the friends that i could be losing if i disappear from this website#i dont even want to reblog other peoples art because i dont know how to turn off the thing yet#how will i know if my art has been fed into AI?? How long does that take? How long do i have from when i get the option to turn it off#and when I do turn it off?#agggghhh fuck all of this.#ai#anti ai
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waiting for files to upload and having a moment about feelings ive had my entire life but never realized i had
#saw a tiktok where someone described feeling like a 'placeholder friend' and i was like. oh. yeah. thats a feeling i have#god its crazy to think about. when i would see stuff about always feeling like you're weird i didnt think that applied to me#until i thought about it more and realized i HAVE always been very aware that im seen as 'weird' i just didnt always see it as a bad thing#i feel like it was also hard to look inward about my behavior bc i was so thoroughly convinced i was normal. despite trying to adjust my -#- behavior to what i thought people do. trying to react like how i thought people were supposed to react#trying to cover up my actual thought processes behind things and fabricate what i thought was more normal reasoning#despite all of that i was unironically like 'thank god im the only normal one here' for SO LONGGGG#learning that i was probably autistic when i was like 16 sent my whole world crumbling down LOL#all because i took an autism quiz for fun. i was so sure that i wasnt. so i took the quiz. and then i scored highly#and then i looked into it more and thought more about myself and Oops! that all kinda describes me!#so. yeah. been having a moment tonight. evaluating my feelings ive had all my life and whatever#usually knowing im different doesn't get me down all that often. but it kinda is tonight! just a little#its probably because its 1 in the morning right now. ill be less emotional when its not the middle of the night#but. man
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If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food
#elias.zip#im so fucking tired of it!!! joking or not its fucking degrading. just constantly. i get it im so fucking unhealthy all i eat is processed#chemical slop thats gonna kill me at 30 and im the unhealthiest person in the fucking work#world* you dont need to fucking remind me every goddamn day. even the comments that arent bad still make me feel likr shit for eating!!! i#already feel really bad about how poorly i eat. i literally cannot fucking starve myself more basically over this kind of comment.#like damn!!! i sure do have a lot of body issues for someone whos skinny WHY am i even complaining in the first place likr i used to fucking#hate my stomach and its noy when#even* big and i think its gone down bc i eat even less now!!! i cannoy make ANYONE happy no matter what i do or what i cook its always comme#nt comment comment in everything i fucking do. i swear to god im never going to fucking recover from living with them. i would've run away i#f i grew up with them im serious#negative#ihateithereihateithereihateithere#nothing's working out. i csnt make friends. i csnt keep them. im a fucking deadbeat im just like my dad in every conceivable way no ones pr#oud of me no matter what i do and i fucked myslef from any opportunity i had to get out of the system what is the fucking point#i jsut dont knoe anymore!!!!!! its not like the Future even looks good or that i see myself anywwhre but in the exact same spot because all#i ever fucking manage to achieve is self sabotage and whining about how no one loves me. god!!!!!
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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really curious to see how people's finale opinions will develop once we get some distance.... personally I feel like I'm still reeling so hard from the gut-level emotional response that it's difficult to really assess or analyze it esp. within the framework of the whole show and I kind of wonder if others feel the same
#I think it was overall EXCELLENT but there are specific nitpicky things i have gripes about i think?#but whenever i try to express them i actually talk myself into liking them lmao#so I think its an emotional response#ngl I'm a little surprised by just how bleak the ending is bc I dont think the show has ever been so unreservedly bleak#usually there's always a silver lining. a glimmer of hope#like the s3 finale - they fail but they fail together#and so even tho I expected a tragic ending I expected. something??? some tiny little glimmer of something positive??#and I think that feeling is amplified by the abruptness of the ending#but like. all the individual plot beats and character arcs are 1000% yes. make sense and are thematically coherent#so im like. i dont actually have a reason for my gripes about the ending beyond. huh. not what i expected#and even then gripe is a strong term because i do LIKE it im just like. wow. that sure is a lot to process#still not 100% sure how i feel about it i think
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