#and im not always sure how to process it
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The Forest
11/5/2024
(A poem I wrote yesterday, below the cut.)
If a bear falls in the forest does anybody care?
Does the stench of rotten fur and flesh waft through the air?
Do the pitch black claws maul at nothing?
While the ears perk and snout sniff no more?
With its mouth agape, the ghost of a roar?
A smile or a snarl? Nobody's sure.
Yet still its life is trapped, in a spiritual rigor mortis.
Like blood drawn from a stone,
Fighting to seep out as easy as the putrefaction.
Wiggling its way from underneath the decomposing heart
Cushioning the lungs with a pale imitation of breath.
Slipping through the bloodstream,
Filling the belly and the bladder and the bowels,
Swirling through the mind, trying to find a way back.
And then
Like a life deferred
It dies
With the snap of a branch.
In the eyes of an onlooker
Wide, brown, soft, disbelieving.
It dies,
from the still-bared claws
to the soft pert ears.
And as it decomposes on that now quiet forest floor
There is nothing to stop the flesh from sallowing.
The fur mixes with the kindling and grasses,
And the body bloats, though not with life.
And as the decay overtakes the wretched animal
The onlooker falls on bended knee, retches, and weeps.
#poetry#original poem#i wrote this yesterday and I really wanted to share it#there is a lot of grief and pain happening right now#and im not always sure how to process it#but I wrote this and it made me feel something#i hope you take some time and are gentle with yourself today#i love you#tw death#tw decomposition#tw bears
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super disorganized sketch page because i do what i want
#my art#not sure if i wanna tag these... hrm#i wonder if alt text shows up in search results.... shudders#well anyway. i wanna ramble about these!!#for willy mafton: i've been working on designing more of the human cast. mainly all the big name important ones#it's been a slow process + a little challenging but i like getting the chance to practice drawing faces! :]#in regards to His design specifically.. it's very much based off of his movie apperance#but with a reference to that Classic sprite thrown in#bc i thought making him a little cartoony and inhuman would fit him :] but idk im not an expert on his character or anything#about the rabbit lady: i forgot how i had that idea initially but it ended up looking so fucking cool tbh#im always a fan of making her design less of a feminine eye candy type of design and more of a Spooky Murderer type >:3c#it also gave me the idea to try making some similar designs for the glams...#but if i do that im not gonna be giving them that vintage rubber mask look... since they're meant to be super flashy and high tech looking#so i was thinking they could have faces with more of a silicone texture.. and that have a style based more off of their in game art work :]#so they'd be like giant dolls with weird moving faces rather than having a vintage animatronic look#also that van in the bottom middle is 100% a homage to a specific user i wont be mentioning but iykyk HFJZJFJF#ANYWAY the 🌞🌜 stuff: dont be weird about it please HFJZJG#im aware that these tags are very easy to ignore but like. genuinely pls dont be weird about them#dont romanticize it. its not meant to be ''y/ndere'' or anything like that#its actually a bit personal to me so like... interpret it as you like but be aware its not meant to be a happy or positive thing#anyway i think thats all i have to say... i've been trying to branch out a tiny bit regarding the things i draw#it's always nice to challenge yourself even if its tough... especially if its tough!!#i mainly draw just for my own sake but i hope ppl see something they like here#these tags got so fucking long oops... i'll stop now JFKZJFKSJGKSJG
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Does the Hidden City have any therapists Dontron could seek in the future? Because God love em, these kids are trying but they are. *Kids*. And a horrifically traumatized & depressed rat dad
unfortunately they're not registered as hidden city citizens, probably dont have the money for it (it's not like donnie's. uh. capable of doing much right now), and have a history of being arrested and conspiring with criminals (draxum). although ive always kind of imagined draxum would receive a full pardon after the s2 finale and this would eventually be rectified, so there's a possibility! if they ever did it'd probably be around post-movie times. it'd be a whole process but i could definitely see them considering it.
#ask#canary continuity#im sure me being poor doesnt reflect in my writing at all#judging by big mama they definitely are doing some capitalisms down there so i have commentary on it#id imagine being a mutant is difficult when youre not set in the hidden city and are ousted by humans#its a real nasty middle ground. and im sure there's some prejudice from yokai#also mind you therapy is.... a process. and not always helpful#ive had a really traumatic experience with a therapist#its hard to say how effective it would be. its very unprecedented as a situation#and there'd be cycling through therapists too... idk#a lot of stories portray that as a natural conclusion and the best possible one#and that's fine!! but i dont really think its. the angle i wanna go for#especially considering the fact that the hamatos have like soooo many allegories under their belt and POOR is one of them#i mean they are. they are poor#id want to capture that experience as best i can#especially as someone who's gone through it#also its fun to watch them fester in their problems a little bit..... make each other a little worse.... its more narratively interesting
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real talk i actually do put like. an unreasonable amount of effort into my textpost memes behind the scenes so it's actually really rewarding to get to share them thanks for putting up with my antics
#zanna talks#like first off i'm always doing my best to make sure they are not only in character but actually over a frame that makes SENSE in context#(many of my memes are incredibly situationally specific bc of this)#but on top of that i want them all to be consistently formatted so i have to track down the og textpost to get my own screenshot if#the one i have on hand is too low quality/weirdly formatted/in one of the tumblr color palettes other than classic#which adds a lot of extra work. but i want them to be nice and consistent and i want ppl to be able to screenshot the textpost for their#OWN textpost memes and have it look nice bc how i started out was by doing that and it's HARD to find non-crunchy ones sometimes#and THEN i have all the extra work of getting 1080p screenshots (forgive me. some are 720p and you can TELL. my wifi is bad) which#(bc of bad wifi) takes HOURS. and then i have to format them all so they're the same pixel ratio without weird white lines anywhere.#and THEN i have to put the textpost on top and arrange it so it looks nice graphically#and THEN i have to arrange them all in sets in chronological order but without too many from one movie or scene or of one character#(this is bc i am a freak)#so like. by the time u see these things i have put HOURS of work and careful consideration and curation into them#i do not do this lightly im deeply unwell#so yeah um. this has been a Post. explaining my unhinged process.#did i mention ive made over 200 for narnia hahahhahahah anyway#(and yes the fact that the tumnus one i made is on dark mode means i spent A FULL HOUR trying to find the og or a different screenshot#and could not and that KILLS ME.)
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Boy King Seb :D
#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333#he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today#this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!#can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant#i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am'#this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!!#i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;;#okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH):#this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved)#its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph?#but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010)#its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves#seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his#so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better#whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it)#not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh#anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO#its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation#pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!)#i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos#sebastian vettel#f1#formula 1#f1 art#formula 1 art#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such#boy king au
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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side note. im just upset now about how it feels like my work is no longer belonging to me. I dont get to choose what it is put into. it is now a comodity for whoever believes that they have a right to my work.
When I work in an art-based industry, what I produce will not be my own. It will be owned by another company who hired me. I could spend hours on it and pour my life force into what I create, but it could be held by the company and not released or released and removed from my ownership.
Now tumblr is the same. now every website is the same. You never have control of what you post forever. You never get to choose what happens to your online work. But now I know that what I post will go directly into the content meatgrinder that is AI technology. I will not get to choose this. I will not get to own my work any more. Even if I opt out, even if thousands of users opt out, not everybody will. Not everybody will know. Not everybody will want to. Not everybody will be bothered.
Theres a difference between individuals reposting my work onto pinterest and an entire blog being fed into AI. Theres a difference between a single human feeding artwork that isnt theirs into AI and an automatic process in which my data, my artwork, my life is being fed into AI. I will never own my own work again unless I keep it directly next to me and never share it.
Im debating pulling all of my work from this website.
#fish talks#Im not sure what to do#I dont want my stuff used I want it to be enjoyed#but how can i enjoy my work being enjoyed by people and websites that i cant trust#i really dont know what to do about this#I think tomorrow Im going to ask someone for their pov#he's always given me good advice on AI debates idk#and I know most of the terms in this will be wrong and thats because I dont know how to phrase the processes of AI#Im not a machine. Dont treat my art as a product. Treat me as a person. as an artist.#dont treat me as something to be sold.#this year hasnt been my most productive year#I dont need likes and reblogs as much as I used to#But I also dont see how I am supposed to grow my 'brand' as someone who dreams of being an online professional if I cant enjoy being online#if i cant trust the websites that i use#idk. this is confusing#much less to mention the friends that i could be losing if i disappear from this website#i dont even want to reblog other peoples art because i dont know how to turn off the thing yet#how will i know if my art has been fed into AI?? How long does that take? How long do i have from when i get the option to turn it off#and when I do turn it off?#agggghhh fuck all of this.#ai#anti ai
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Imagine if i had had the guts to boldly film my grandparents and other family members a year ago, i would now have video material of my grandma being well but i dont xd
#instead i first had to experience her breaking her hip and never going home anymore#and then in summer i filmed a video with my friend for her family about her grandmother and the house#and then i had to watch the movie as i was moving ahead i saw brief glimpses of beauty#before i could boldly do it today when i had my mom and dad and twin and aunt all visiting grandpa#and nobody died.....#it was a process#the other night i was thinking hoe#how in 2019 summer i took a photo of my grandpa who died in november 2019#but i took it not directly of him#like half of his head is not there#he was tendinh some flowers#so i was thinking Why didnt i take a proper photo? and why didnt i ask him also#im sure he wouldnt have minded at all#there are so many photos of him.... he wasnt afraid of camera like some of my family members are....#everything wrong with me always but im changing 😊
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waiting for files to upload and having a moment about feelings ive had my entire life but never realized i had
#saw a tiktok where someone described feeling like a 'placeholder friend' and i was like. oh. yeah. thats a feeling i have#god its crazy to think about. when i would see stuff about always feeling like you're weird i didnt think that applied to me#until i thought about it more and realized i HAVE always been very aware that im seen as 'weird' i just didnt always see it as a bad thing#i feel like it was also hard to look inward about my behavior bc i was so thoroughly convinced i was normal. despite trying to adjust my -#- behavior to what i thought people do. trying to react like how i thought people were supposed to react#trying to cover up my actual thought processes behind things and fabricate what i thought was more normal reasoning#despite all of that i was unironically like 'thank god im the only normal one here' for SO LONGGGG#learning that i was probably autistic when i was like 16 sent my whole world crumbling down LOL#all because i took an autism quiz for fun. i was so sure that i wasnt. so i took the quiz. and then i scored highly#and then i looked into it more and thought more about myself and Oops! that all kinda describes me!#so. yeah. been having a moment tonight. evaluating my feelings ive had all my life and whatever#usually knowing im different doesn't get me down all that often. but it kinda is tonight! just a little#its probably because its 1 in the morning right now. ill be less emotional when its not the middle of the night#but. man
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If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food
#elias.zip#im so fucking tired of it!!! joking or not its fucking degrading. just constantly. i get it im so fucking unhealthy all i eat is processed#chemical slop thats gonna kill me at 30 and im the unhealthiest person in the fucking work#world* you dont need to fucking remind me every goddamn day. even the comments that arent bad still make me feel likr shit for eating!!! i#already feel really bad about how poorly i eat. i literally cannot fucking starve myself more basically over this kind of comment.#like damn!!! i sure do have a lot of body issues for someone whos skinny WHY am i even complaining in the first place likr i used to fucking#hate my stomach and its noy when#even* big and i think its gone down bc i eat even less now!!! i cannoy make ANYONE happy no matter what i do or what i cook its always comme#nt comment comment in everything i fucking do. i swear to god im never going to fucking recover from living with them. i would've run away i#f i grew up with them im serious#negative#ihateithereihateithereihateithere#nothing's working out. i csnt make friends. i csnt keep them. im a fucking deadbeat im just like my dad in every conceivable way no ones pr#oud of me no matter what i do and i fucked myslef from any opportunity i had to get out of the system what is the fucking point#i jsut dont knoe anymore!!!!!! its not like the Future even looks good or that i see myself anywwhre but in the exact same spot because all#i ever fucking manage to achieve is self sabotage and whining about how no one loves me. god!!!!!
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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really curious to see how people's finale opinions will develop once we get some distance.... personally I feel like I'm still reeling so hard from the gut-level emotional response that it's difficult to really assess or analyze it esp. within the framework of the whole show and I kind of wonder if others feel the same
#I think it was overall EXCELLENT but there are specific nitpicky things i have gripes about i think?#but whenever i try to express them i actually talk myself into liking them lmao#so I think its an emotional response#ngl I'm a little surprised by just how bleak the ending is bc I dont think the show has ever been so unreservedly bleak#usually there's always a silver lining. a glimmer of hope#like the s3 finale - they fail but they fail together#and so even tho I expected a tragic ending I expected. something??? some tiny little glimmer of something positive??#and I think that feeling is amplified by the abruptness of the ending#but like. all the individual plot beats and character arcs are 1000% yes. make sense and are thematically coherent#so im like. i dont actually have a reason for my gripes about the ending beyond. huh. not what i expected#and even then gripe is a strong term because i do LIKE it im just like. wow. that sure is a lot to process#still not 100% sure how i feel about it i think
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an important writing question to ask yourself is "how much time and effort do i want to put into figuring out what this character's legal documents would look like"
#newt has THE MOST BULLSHIT COMPLICATED backstory for this i stg#born out of wedlock in west germany in 1990 when the two germanies were IN THE MIDDLE of reuniting but not done yet#and then almost immediately moved to the united states with his dad because his parents broke up#which seems to imply his dad got full custody?? which seems at least a little weird for the time period#could not figure out if it was even legally plausible because TWO GERMANIES#but both parents wanted his dad to have full custody so like... maybe??#anyway what fucking citizenship does he have. i dont even know#was thinking dual but germany doesnt like dual#so that might only work if his dad transmitted american citizenship to him like a bloodline curse#but i think that only works if his dad was already a citizen when he was born and his dad is german so THAT would mean-#*insert that one gif of charlie day with the pepe sylvia conspiracy board*#so maybe he just has american citizenship???#i dont know how that works either...#and then when im writing him hes trans on top of all that#which makes all this relevant unfortunately! could this man have gotten a legal name change circa 2010?#i THINK so?? im probably just going to handwave it?? but AARGH#i dont LIKE handwaving these things because like#anachronisms with trans characters & the transition process always bug me a bit#im almost 10 years younger than newt but i remember shit was DIFFERENT even back in like. 2014.#this isnt a legal thing but i remember before there was a nonbinary pride flag. we shared the purple-white-green genderqueer one#well. 'we' including me at the time. im a man now#and surgery has changed! no-nip top surgery was really rare to hear about before like... even just a few years ago?#im sure it was happening but it's way more common now than it was in like 2020#and i didnt even know trans people existed until like 2010#the first time i saw a trans character in ANY work of fiction was 2011#personal#unscientific aside#im way off on a tangent now i forget if i was going to say anything else#good enough hit post
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tears of the kingdom could have been so good if it were built around like, its story or its characters instead of being a clunky shell to show off the mechanic no one asked for that it forces you to use
#*#text#totk#mechanics#i had fun scuttling around in the depths for a while but that got old eventually. for obvious reasons#what i liked about zelda games was always the atmosphere and character interactions#like. one of my favorite games is twilight princess. which is. deeply unserious in many ways#bit it COMMITTED to its setting and what the writers went ham making sure#that it was still full of whimsy and affection.#totk doesn't have that. the characters are all 1) instruction manuals or 2) vehicles for what small and disparate semblances of plot#survived whatever disaster must have happened in development that made them cannibalize several different ideas#and stick them into the shell for the fucking. arm#totk plays like a gallery or again just an engine for the building thing.#it's pretty. the music is good. the building thing is well made. but as a zelda game totk Fucking Tanks#i HATE overinvolved mechanics. i HATE having to stop and rely on a Whole Process that i have to keep stocked#to get anything done. i've always liked loz again bc of characters and whimsy but also bc it's always been mechanically vert streamlined#and accessible to someone like me who is disabled and finds fiddling EXTREMELY tedious#you have one required tool per dungeon and they're QUICK they're SIMPLE they're A GOOD TIME#totk. to me. is just clunky and has no redeeming qualities outside of again being pretty and still sort of nominally letting you run around#collecting things. some of the side quests were cute. but even then the characters were very.#THE THING ABOUT ZELDA GAMES IS THAT IM used TO THEM BEING ABOUT. NOT JUST THE FUNCTION!!!!!!#there were things— many of them! sometimes most of them even!!!— there just for fun. again almost especially The Characters#totk is so goddamn UTILITARIAN on all levels ITS. CLUNKY and BORING i don't WANT to have to do 30 things just so i can do something else.#hey nintendo. if you have to force people to play your game. like if you specifically have an ''open'' game and then subsequently have to#manufacturer MANY blocks and caveats to the idea of ''do whatever have fun!!'' so that it's''but only how WE want you to''. maybe thats bad.#maybe you've done a bad job. if again. you have to FORCE players to go about things in the way and order that you want. it's no fun.#like even zelda games where you have less options and linear progression feel less restrictive bc like. they don't fucking punish you.#for. playing the game. you just can't do things. totk really punishes you for going off script. which like. why even do that.#anyway. this is all probably incoherent. i'm right tho.#wow there are so many typos. pretend there are not <3
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trying to think about the most ironic and twisted thing that could possibly happen to me regarding my family situation and I think my dad getting cancer is truly the most nightmare scenario I could imagine
#cancer ment#this is real btw i found out last night#i dont talk to my family EXCEPT my dad he texts me like twice a year to catch up and make sure im alive#he wont use my name but he wint deadname me either#whereas any conversation with my mom immediately devolves into desdnaming and relentless misgendering#anyway i always thought it would be ironic if my MOMs cancer came back#that would manageable i would know how to feel about that#but my dad?????#like fuck how am i supposed to feel about this#i cant process it at all
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.
#almost midnight vent here we go#so#about writing fanfiction#specifically yoongi fanfics#its something that i haven't done before tbh#i only started writing like a couple of months ago and#ik my works aren't the best out there but being the perfectionist that i am#i always end up pressuring myself to write more and sometimes it just makes me feel burnt out?#like its not that i hate it but it does really make me stressed out sometimes ngl#and i feel this pressure of improving my style so quickly that it makes the entire process less and less fun to make#almost like its a punishment for how flawed i am in this and its honestly sad#anyway idk why im writing this tbh but im sure no one will pay it any attention so yh#i love yoongi tho and i miss him sm :(
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