#and im keeping myself from watching it by reminding myself that ill have a better experience if i watch it high

[neonbodyache]

so so excited for the fresh start that is october. im gonna try harder this time. im gonna do better this time ☆

if you’re like me (someone who often obsesses over the apathy of time, specifically the way it’s ever moving forward whether you want it to or not) it’s okay to latch onto the idea of beginning again, it’s okay to allow yourself the simple miracle of approaching the world anew, just because you can

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[mpregwizard]

you absolutely can get addicted to things other than drugs because somehow out of the two things i was doing two weeks ago the one i cant stop thinking about and have to keep myself from doing at all hours of the day is not the edibles but watching yuri on ice

[catwyk]

tsv finale spoilers below. i wrote this during my first listen through. its long as fuck. im dead im ruined.

cull calling out to rane instead of faulkner.... rane is truly the real leader now

FAULKNER......

"katabasian rane? sister thurrocks?" im gonna be sick

"hes basically a cow" spit your shit carp

"people in my life keep leavin to serve a cause i just cant understand" BASHES MY HEAD ON THE WALL

"we must love them for fleein from our touch e must not run after them" oh baby :(

this is actually fucking destroying me right now oh poor faulkner. failed by the world.

"of course i recognize you. youre carpenter's ghost" // "yes. i am" // "that must mean that im being punished. arent i?" he sounds so small and young oh my god

"if this is my punishment, then why am i smiling?" OKAY PARALLELS TO HIS VISIONS IN S2. OKAY. IM NOT GOING TO CRY. I WONT.

his monologue is ruining me actually oh god.

"they invented their own faulkner. and they forced me to be him" THATS WHAT IM SAYIN

he called her his sister...

im sure hes gonna die

"you crashed a car??" // "yeeah. i crashed a car." i love her

"they need to fix you, they need to make you better, and ill, ill watch over your bed, ill be there, carpenter. ill pray, ill pray and pray for as long as i need to" christ alive. i need to lay down RIGHT NOW.

méabh de brún too good at acting like shes in pain im abt to dial an ambulance

EM??? EM MENTION. EM MENTION

ok this is fuelling my hc that faulkner reminded carpenter of em in some painful and undefinable way

"i should tell paige that story, if i get to see heg again"

"OUR paige?" CRYING FOR A MILLION YEARS. AND HIS "HUH" AS WELL WHEN CARPENTER CONFIRMS

twin mouths truther forever

"i hate you too, faulkner, i truly do. and i love you, too. in spite of everything" // "always on the very precipice of understanding one another"

faulkner's "DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!" is fucking me up b narr the voice actor everrr

SHES GONNA LEAVE HIM A CAIRN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"there'll be a place for you, and itll be beside me" DRIVING STRAIGHT INTO A LAMPPOST AS WE SPEAK

NO HES GONNA TRY AND KILL HER ISNT HE

"yeah. perhaps thats it. do you?" again. coolest fucking character on the planet

"this is when the waters parted, and at last..! at last he understood!" jesus christ. jon ware the writer that you are

"say you were raised in the service of a god of fire. so you feel like the world would be a much better place if more things were on fire" i busted out laughing WHAT a tone shift

"dennis duplace helped. hayward.. dad.. carpenter.. im leaving all of you behind" i am a husk of a person. lucille valentine knocking it out of the park

"best feeling in the world, seeing you walk away" holy fucking shit this is DAMAGING ME.

i wanna write every quote thats making my heart sting but the transcript is already up so theres no real point

every single va is popping the FUCK OFF by the way. i have to keep reminding myself theyre acting so i dont like. kill myself

val saving hayward was NOT on my bingo card what the fuck

"and before she died... she remembered who she was" OHHHHHHH MYYYYY GODDDDDD

hayward doing his own rites of the cairn maiden for himself :(

no gods coming for hayward but "fuck it. this one's not... for any of you. this ones for me"

WHY IS FAULKNER BACK. NONONO ITS ONLY GONNA BE BAD. PLEASE NO

i never realized the parallel between faulkner's gardener father and his gardener god

carpenter meant so much to him :(

"Sister! I love you! Where are you going? Dont turn your back on me! Dont you dare- Sister! I need you! SISTER! SISTER! MARCO! MARCO!" FAULKNER NO NOT LIKE THIS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU JON WARE (<- COMPLIMENT)

THE FAULKNER BODY FAKEOUT. SEE ABOVE POINT

carpenter's scream...... oh god.. oh méabh de brún the woman that you are

"he could be a face from my childhood. or his" charlie.......

HES BEEN BLOND THIS ENTIRE TIME????????????? i should have fucking known

"but no matter how it starts, no matter how it turns out for us, it can end with love, cant it? it can end with love. it can end with kindness." i said oh my god out loud

the delivery of "and then i let him go" why not just drive a railroad spike through my lungs

"the river is vast, and no dam can block every channel, and ours is a world of miracles." i said jesus christ out loud

i wheezed when she just. got back up this old bitch cannot die can she

not nana glass' song............

FUCKING TAINSLEY. CHEKHOVS TAINSLEY.

oh my god. a final heartbreaking credits scene

i had to just sit and lean back for a second. what a fucking ending. what a fucking podcast. this is one of those pieces of media that takes up residence in your brain forever. im never gonna stop thinking about this

[caluski]

ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Hewwo!

I can't feel nothing but anger and anxiety lately. I have diagnosed with bipolar depression but pills doesn't work.

Also I'm self diagnosed aspd, our psychologists know shit about aspd, they little know about bpd but in a worst way.

Do you have any suggestion for self control?

hewwo! i will do my best to help without knowing your exact situation but heres some stuff that ive picked up over the years ive spent being alive

first off. if you are actively in a horrible situation (being abused, shitty workplace etc) there is nothing i can do for you. there is no treatment in the world that can override the fight-or-flight reflex of actively being in danger. i learned this the hard way- i was only able to really start healing from my ptsd once i moved away from my parents and wasnt, yaknow, getting more ptsd. which extends to the personality disorders i got from being abused as an extension of said ptsd

HOWEVER there might be things that minutely help- this stuff is gonna be a bigger help once you're out of said horrible situation (if you're in one) but sometimes things that help, help

self control wise: here's a little trick: PEMDAS that shit. do you catastrophize because of your anxiety? well, that's whats gonna keep your aspd in check.

is this a particularly healthy piece of advice to give? probably not. but we're working with what we've got here. its kind of like chemotherapy: blasting someone with radiation isn't healthy per se, but it gets rid of a worse thing, and once the worse thing is gone Then you can work on healing from the chemo itself

not to say that aspd is akin to cancer, because it isn't. but hey that makes our work here much easier!

FOR EXAMPLE: when i was a teen, i had some pretty insanely strong urges to steal. i was also afraid of the cops, and had really bad surveillance paranoia. i knew that stealing would be a bad idea, because if i got caught, it'd be hell to pay at home. so what did i do? let my anxiety and paranoia run wild and free!

i wanted to steal? well, i'm always being watched, which means everyone's gonna see that i stole, which means the cops are gonna come after me, which means my mom is gonna find out, which means im gonna go to jail, which means even after i get out my mom will isolate me Even More for being a criminal, and scream at me about how i'm dangerous. and that made me so scared that i didnt do it!!

i wanted to physically attack my mom? well okay i knew she was too much of a pussy to call the cops on me and i was already being isolated so it was a dick tits whatre you gonna do cancel us some more kinda situation

if you dont know what im talking about: youre welcome

hope that cheered you up a little

i use this nowadays for holding myself back from detroit becoming violent: the cops will be here and i will go to jail for So Many Years and im crippled i would not do well in jail ill get sicker and sicker

so kind of like that?

if the self control relates to worrying that you'll hurt someone you care about, try and remind yourself that your relationship with them could suffer or become completely shattered if you did smth stupid out of anger

also: i saved this for last because it doesnt answer your question in particular, but id advise trying to figure out if your anger and anxiety have any specific triggers. does your anxiety manifest itself as anger? do you get anxious when you start to become angry? does a specific situation or person make these feelings arise? figuring out why you're feeling the way you do can help with management, whether it be thru knowing what youre up against to better cope with it, or thru walking away from something you now know is triggering

anywaye i hope any of this helped! i'm not the best at giving advice so i hope this wasnt total crap! goodluck!! :)

[jules-hime]

Where I´ve been

Hey beautiful people of Tumblr! Just wanted to check in and tell you a little bit about what i´ve been doing and if ill continue posting art! These past couple of months have been very difficult for me, struggling with mental health, feeling really stressed with my last steps of graduating college. Once i finished my last thesis work, a big cloud of sadness, and anxiety occupied my mind, and all of a sudden i had to stop doing everything. Couldn´t draw, couldn't create, or think about making art, neither enjoying entering social media and watching other artists that once inspired me. I felt real scared, anxious, feeling that i was never going to achieve anything, or that my future was not as promising as i once imagined. I guess what overwhelmed me was the question of "whats next?" once i finished doing a project that took me years, which is me graduating from art school. I don´t know if anyone ever felt that sense of emptiness after graduating, but i felt it HARD. Couldn´t get out of bed, couldn´t enter social media because everywhere i looked everybody else was making something, sharing their progress, their success, in art, or in life in general, and i was just laying in my bed trying to simply exist and not fear everything.

I guess this was just my body and mind forcing me to stop, to rest, to digest everything that happened in these years, that i never stopped one second to accept or even see how i felt about, like the pandemic, personal problems, my thesis project which was STRESSFUL AS F*CK. Anyways, sometimes we need to stop and rest, and i hope i didn´t have to get to that point where my own body forces me to do so, but i also think it was much needed. To acknowledge my feelings, my stress (i used to think there was no time to be anxious or worry because i had so much to get done, and i couldn´t stop to cry or let myself relax), my anxiety (i do have so many fears that, i imagine, were just waiting the exact moment i finished being busy to rush in all together), that my body did need some rest, a vacation from all the work, and that sometimes its more about the journey than the finish line.

I feel like this is the first time i open up on the internet about something so personal! And im really happy about it!

Of course now i am feeling much better, those days of not being able to get out of bed passed, and i can now sit on my computer to write this! Which i think is just an improvement and feel so proud of that. I learned these months (researching about and anxiety and how to deal with it) that maybe success might look like achieving all of our goals, but it can also look like finally being able to get out of bed and simply going for a walk, being able to take a break and just breathe. So i would like to remind everyone that its important to take breaks, rest, take care of ourselves, listening to our bodies and what they are trying to tell us. Your mental and physical health always come first, no matter what, you always come first, and your value is not defined of what you can achieve, you are important just for existing, and living your life in whatever way you think best!

Sooo about my art, of course i´ll keep sharing my art! I see there´s more art of mine to come next year, because im feeling like creating a lot! So stay tuned, thanks for every type of support you gave me this year, and hope you have a great New Year and always take care of yourselves! See you next year!

Jules :D

[glitterytrashcan]

Alive

Severus Snape x OC/reader

Severus did not survive the battle of Hogwarts. Roman just barely did and lives with the pain of losing their love and closest friend. Through it all they have been struggling to feel alive. On the anniversary of his death, they find themself at his grave pouring out their heart and hurt and by the end they are ready to live and feel alive again. 

Heavily inspired by Sia’s “Alive”

Looking down on the wet dirt of his grave they take a shaky breath letting the cold rain wash away the tears flowing freely down their face. The grave was one among many who sadly did not survive the battle of Hogwarts, a gravestone marked with their own name and birth date is already placed next to his. Not many had faith they would survive the injuries inflicted, others doubted they would survive the grief and heartbreak of learning Severus was among the dead.

They are thinner now, pale, wearing one of his cloaks to fight off the rain though by this point its soaked through. Their eyes have long since lost their fire. It pains Severus to see his lover mourning him in such a way, watching from afar there is truly nothing he can do but listen. 

  “I got your letter. how dare you.... you lie to me and let me think we would have a future together you bastard... I forgive you.” their voice is heavy as the cloak they wear as told by the way they drop too their knees before his grave. “It's not fair I've been nothing like the person you once loved since you left. They didn't think I'd survive the physical injuries; little did they know it was the emotional ones that have nearly killed me.” 

   Finally, they manage to remove the cloak setting it off to the side. “Harry testified for you, told them all the truth. He let me see your memories to.... I missed you, still do. They have all started to look at me like I'm a ticking time bomb and in a way, I guess I am.... some poor student may never see me the same after saying something disgusting about you. At first, they looked at me like I was fragile now they look scared.” it caused them to laugh a little. “Minerva said i reminded her of you with how I hid my pain with anger, how I snapped at students. She cried with me that night... We all miss you. I'm not alive anymore I miss being alive. I know you wouldn't want this for me but it's so.... so hard to let the pain go. I've been trying so hard to let the pain fuel me every day but it's dragging me down. “ 

    There's a soft sob that manages to force its way out of their chest though they keep talking. “I need to live again Severus; I need to feel alive if not for me.... For you.” several deep shuttering breaths later they look up from the dirt and to his gravestone. “This is goodbye. I can't keep mourning you my love.... I'm going to do my best to celebrate what we had... Minerva offered me potions professor and I think I'm going to take up her offer. Carry on the Professor Snape legacy, in my own way... You deserved better, but so do I. I love you, and for you and myself I'm going to live starting tomorrow, tonight ill love you with all the pain and grief I have...”  their voice trailed off to a comfortable silence where he knows they are crying. Until Minerva walks slowly over sitting next to them rubbing small, measured circles on their back. 

   “Did you let it all out finally dear?”

   “I couldn't say it, no matter what I can't be mad at him...”

    “How does your heart feel?”

   “Raw, open, like a fresh wound... gods above it hurts so much Minerva.”

    “I know it does, now let's focusing on healing that hurt. No more hiding and holding yourself together with thin threads.” her voice was stern not taking No for an answer and for the first time in months they find themself smiling weakly. 

     “Yes mother” The sarcastic tone of voice said volumes of unspoken words. 

(again im not going to reread this or really edit. have my 3 am angst and comfort writing.)

[mybiasisexo]

Sorry for venting…

I think it’s really scary to think we’re basically stanning strangers. They make us happy. Then things like THAT happen. Of course it’s an nct member (I don’t stan them). But… in many cases it’s korean men, but always men..!!! I always realize I hate men.

I don’t want think about it but can you imagine… if it was one of the exos…?? I’d be SOO devastated, disappointed. I just… I love them… then I’m always like “no, they can’t be, they could never”. And one day just… you’ll never know.

I’m sorry for the victims and fans. I hope they’ll find real happiness. Don’t expect anything from idols anymore, they’re just there to make music. :(

no pls vent away bc these are my thoughts exactly!!!

it is so so scary esp bc you think the best of somebody and while youre posting your love for them theyre doing sinister shit behind the scenes. I want to see the good in ppl but its hard when its constantly reaffirmed that celebs cannot be trusted. at the end of the day theyre just trying to sell us something 😔

im so terrified of men. i hide it under a 'i hate men' guise but literally one of my biggest fears is loving a man and he ends up being a terrible person and hurts me/my family. its one of the reasons i dont date, ive watched the movie Enough ok??

I keep thinking this too, if an exo member gets revealed to be this kind of person i genuinely think it will mess me up. like idek what will happen but i will NOT be ok thats for sure. kr*s was bad enough...ill prob lose ALL faith in men

it just makes me a bit more vigilant. i have to keep reminding myself that it could happen, and i have to mentally prepare myself for that moment if it ever comes. whatever skeletons they got in their closets better stay there im not playing!!!!

the scariest thing about this whole situation is that its t*eil who has a perfect reputation. its def giving if hes capable of doing this then none of us are really safe. i do hope this case brings more stories to the surface so we can purge the industry of all these horrible ppl bc i know theres more and they dont deserve the platform or power.

i too hope the victim gets justice and i feel for the fans. this is not an easy thing to come to terms with and i know it can make you doubt everything and trust less, but i hope ppl arent blaming themselves. how were we supposed to know????

[fraener]

8/6/2024

first time in a long time that i feel like my heart is getting torn in two and so big itll burst at the same time. im so overcome by melancholy i can hardly breathe. moving more things in slowly to my new place, staying what may very well be the last night i ever sleep at my old place tonight. having my heart pushed by sam, slight and hopeful. i remembered this morning while perching on the windowsill that truly the thing that made this apartment special was i was never lonely. i am so, so lonely these days. im frightened ill get even lonelier. the light in the night from the stars and clouds is so bright at my new place, everything cast in a strange purplish glow. it felt good to be back, dear god. like everything is moving again after being stationary for so long. i feel like crying, i think i just might. i got the job at the ceramic studio, my schedule is so overloaded im not sure how to juggle it all. susan would be proud and mad at the same time, i think. theyll tell me i need to stop running i think. i dont know how to live a life not at full speed anymore, like im running down a hill forever these days. i am so incredibly indescribably crushingly lonely. how did i ever get by feeling this lonely i think its actually killing me. i want a reason not to work so much. i want a reason to look up from what im doing at my life. i want a reason for someone to come and peer into me like the mouth of a jar. i miss g sometimes, it feels like a strange dream now that we ever did what we did. everything feels like something im saying in a book whenever i describe the events of my life to myself to examine.

when is life not fiction? fiction makes things tenable. flashes of things like opening a box full of glistening copper cookware and spinning black wool barefoot in the yard while watching the poppy seedheads sway in the breeze and listening to c play accordion. the stunned pause i hear on the phone when i invite s into my bed, the flattened view of the white water tower on the east hill against the greying sky from my windowsill. blackberries and pale apples so wan theyre almost white. indigo staining my fingertips and nails, indigo tied around my neck and growing in cups on my kitchen counter. indigo and saw in my dreams. feeling a little trapped again. i dont know how to make room for my relationships anymore...and ive noticed i dont want to make room for them when they arent giving me what i want. if i lose interest they immediately become less of a priority to me. i feel bad for my fickleness, i feel bad for my inattention, i feel bad for my standoffishness and moods- i try to remind myself that there isnt an inherent morality to those things and i want to be given something to stay for. ive been thinking and not thinking of h telling me we wouldnt be together forever. hes always trying to walk it back since he said it but i cant stop thinking of the fact that he brought up wanting to have kids so many times in the course of our relationship. i wanna let my heart break how it needs to. i wanna let go and i want someone to catch me on the other side. i know i can do numbers in this town, im so much bigger than this place. i am so other in so many ways to this place. i think i should start going out again and i should flirt with strangers and laugh and feel myself. i think i should keep at least two days off in my schedule a week if i can. ill cook a lot again in my new kitchen, i like it so much better than ive ever liked this one. kitchen window! i will miss my apartment more than i can even comprehend right now. already though its begun to feel like everyone is filing out and turning empty. i love doing the dishes before bed or before leaving the house. i love eating breakfast on my porch. i love the walk and bus ride to town. i love my proximity to the forest and the beach. i love the quiet and unsettling hum of the west hill. i dont know where ill go next or who i will meet or who i will love. i wish in some ways it was a cleaner slate, like that first summer here. everything changed and no longer in its place. i had a burning freedom that shifted something deep inside of me. i wish i didnt still think of him as the arbiter of that moment in time, i was my own agent...we were agent to each other. i miss dreaming of nyc. i am still so wrapped in my desire to prove myself. i am so wrapped in my desire to outcompete my rival affection. just another flagstone to tap my toe against as i push off. im gonna go for what might be my last walk tonight. maybe ill try and do the full circuit, maybe ill be too tired. i wish s was still awake. i know ive got to just go and cry by myself though. i dont know who to share my heart with anymore. who can look into this and understand me? it feels good to write something, even brief. it is all bitterly long and brief.

[diary-of-a-miles]

7/9

i hate being the youngest so much. i dont fucking have friends, and im scared of my siblings friends, and theyll always see me as a girl, and they get to go off to college and drive away and get jobs and im fucking stuck here. my parents are for all intents and purposes absent, they will drive me to shit but i think that after they parented my older brothers they just decided they were done. my dad retired at 49 because of depression, started this ketamine thing. the man who used to ask me every day when i was 8 years old whether i was high is now leaving his weed around the house. he sits in his chair and he used to play guitar but not anymore because he isnt really here anymore. he fully made himself absent from my life. my mom is really nice and has gone through a lot of shit but she just checks out all the time whenever something is overwhelming. im scared to ask if we get dinner tonight because she will be really annoyed, and we never have groceries in the house, and theyre more like roommates than my parents. feels like my childhood ended at 8. feels like i live alone. theres no feeling like getting home at 8pm and all the lights are off. theres no way to describe the grossness i feel when my options for dinner are either potato chips or sleep

im in a weird funk right now i woke up at like 1 and my brothers friends are over and usually theyre downstairs but right now theyve been upstairs where i am for a couple hours and thats fine and stuff but they serve as a constant reminder that i dont have friends. theyre super cool and fun to be around but im super scared of social interaction and cis men. feels like i have to be on constant watch around them yk?

i keep telling myself that if im still feeling weird in 30 minutes then ill take something to feel better but i have done that now like 3 times and i know its not a healthy coping mechanism and stuff but idk what else to do

this would be a lot! easier if i had shit to do today

i feel really weird. gonna post an old poem in a minute

[unsafecoma]

YAYAYYA i wanted to do madamemiz's ask game about the DCA because i llike them 🫶 UNDER THE CUT !! ! !! ! !!!

how did you get here?

my hyperfix on the dca started earrrly january this year because i played hw2 and was promptly swept off my feet and ive been sick over them since. id played it before , but started playing again bc i wanted too 100% the game! oh if only id known !!

2. why these characters in particular? what was the hook for you?

originally it was Sun that hooked me onto both of them. hes just so silly!! and such a prissy bitch!! and i love it!! plus i love the idea of 2 separate ids in one body, thats always fun to mess with 😋

3. how long have you been here?

since early january of this year!! though, im not SUPER active in the fandom itself. i just silently enjoy fanart/fics , and VERY RARELY draw and post on my art bog. im not a big participator in fandom itself, im perfectly comfy just watching.

4. have you actually played fnaf sb?

NO. and i do not plan to. the game is too buggy to pay 40 bucks for it, plus i really dont wanna give scott anymore money (fuck you scott cawthon i hate you scott cawthon a million plagues upon you and your life scott cawthon) so ill pass. im perfectly fine with just watching videos.

5. if you make content, what's your favorite piece you've contributed?

THIS POST!! i love vocaloid, and i love the dca, and whats better than combining the two? i was especially proud of myself bc these were animations, which is something i NEEEVERRR to, so id say i was pretty damn happy with these!!

6. what's your favorite sort of art or fic? what genre/flavor/style?

ive still yet to actually read any fics abt the dca (im in the process of reading one about djmm rn <3 its so good i love it so much <333) but im a sucker for angst w/a happy end (the heart wants what the heart wants, and who am i to deny ?)

7. what's your favorite au?

i like aquatic aus for the dca!!!!! i love seeing all the different designs ppl give them ... i also rlly like cowboy/western aus too :)

8. do you have any ocs, or have any ocs you're fond of?

not yet, but ive absolutely thought about it!! maybe one day ... (for now though, im happy with my silly little technician s/i hehe)

9. what do you think of the dca's canon appearance? Scary? Cute? Something else?

I LOVE THEM I THINK THEYRE SO PRETTYYYYYYYYYY i dont really see them as scary from looks alone tbh, like MAYBE moon but it'd have to be rlly dark so it was just his glowing eyes visible. other than that they are just silly billys cutie patooties to me. id pinch their cheeks if i could (i mean i know u can but. ykwim)

10. what keeps you in this fandom despite the very small amount of canon content the dca had?

im kept sane by both my own brain's constant thoughts abt these robots, and also the art and writing made by other fans!! i 🫶 images.

11. be honest: if you had to pick only one, sun or moon?

:( i GUESS sun, if i HAD to choose, only bc Moon's the one with the virus. it feels so wrong to separate them. you wound me.

12. thoughts on eclipse?

I LOVE THEM!!!!!!! i hc that eclipse isnt one whole robot, but its a state of being where sun and moon are both comfortably, equally in control of the body. so like ... in a WAY they could seem blended into one whole ai, but theyre both still in there, and have moments of one overtaking the other, while still as "eclipse".

13. thoughts on pre-glitch sun?

I feel like pre glitch Sun was juuust starting to get a bit overworked and burnt out, like right before the virus (and afterwards, it jsut got worse and worse). i think the DCA are genuinely good at taking care of kids, they just slip up often and arent absolutely perfect at it (unlike how they would be, if they were actually made to be caretakers and not theater animatronics). sometimes Sun is too loud, having to constantly remind himself to lower his voice when around more meek kids in the daycare.

he definitely has his moments where he needs to correct himself and remember that he is taking care of young kids, but all in all, i feel like Sun was pretty good at taking care of the kids (much better than he was when he was first moved to the daycare, since i can imagine he was VERY, VERY BITTER about being moved from the theater, but its not like being a theater animatronic was synonymous with despising children, so he wouldn't HATE them or anything yk ??)

14. thoughts on pre-glitch moon?

YKNOW I WONDER does moons voice sound like that bc of the virus, or is that just his voice ? nonetheless, i feel like Moon was good with his job, and maybe a bit better than Sun, only bc i feel like handling naptime would come with less struggles than daytime activities.

Moon was probably so much more gentle, less hunched over and 'scary-looking' when he moved, and rather than punishing kids for not sleeping he just ... actually helped them sleep. yknow ? whether its holding and rocking some of the younger kids to help them sleep better, or maybe one of the kids has something on their mind that wont let them sleep, i feel like Moon was actually really good at his job.

im firm on believing the DCA is actually good at taking care of kids due to what cassie says about the AR sun/moon plushies!! theyre good at their job!!! to a degree LOLLLL

15. do you interpret sun and moon as two sides of the same person, or truly two separate beings in one body? does it matter?

i interpret them as two separate beings in one body!! i like this interpretation, it feels more fun to work with and is oddly cathartic? emotional? interesting? theres just so much emotion that comes with sharing a body with an entire other identity, knowing that you and them are tightly knit together, whether you want to be or not, because no matter what, you have them, and they have you, and you're stuck with one another. and yes, you and them are different, but you bleed into one another at some parts, at some angles the yellow and blue smudge, and sometimes you struggle to see where 'you' starts, and 'they' begin.

i love love love thinking about how they experience sharing a body with one another, how they maneuver the world and their thoughts. ITS SO FUN!!! THEY MAKE ME SICK.

16. what's something in the fandom you'd like to see more of?

WAITER!!! WAITER!! MORE PRISSY BITCH SUN PLEASE!!! ill literally never ever get enough of it.

17. what's something in the fandom you'd like to see less of?

this is ENTIRELY just me, but seeing the dca act all suave and sexy feels mischaracterizing. this tweet literally captures how i feel perfectly

like OB VI OUS LY have fun and do what ur little heart desires, never ever am i gonna bash someone for DOING THAT, but whenever i see them drawn sexily and with abs or anything like that it just makes me wonder if we have the same character in mind. you dont get them like i do. we are playing with our touys in different corners.

18. anything you're looking forward to?

THE MOON NIGHTLIGHT. i have the sun one already and i NEED the moon one so he isnt alone :( i hope they fix up the coloring on the moon one, bc the dark bit looks so weird and messy (im assuming it only looks like that since it was the first look at him, but still!!! i think they should just make him all white, and not make the NIGHT LIGHT dark in some areas, lol???)

19. do you think you'd actually get along with the dca if you met them irl?

this is one of those rare times where i DO think i would get along with them, or at least Sun!! i feel like id definitely be super duper anxious first meeting them, like the enthusiasm levels are a bit jarring, but i really do feel like i could get along with Sun (and maybe Moon ... if this is pre-virus, then more likely, but if its while Moon has the virus .. .. . . . . .. .. .. .. mauybe.)

20. free space! talk about whatever's on your mind!

if i think about the dca and their room and state of neglect for too long i get sick. i get insane and curl into a little ball like a roly poly. they make me so sick. i hate them i need to bite them.

also genderfunny aroace dca forever and ever. ok? 🫶

[princess-xeon]

parisocial relationships & rebirth

damn guys it took me forever to process this post!1!!!!111!!!

pain!!!! but it's okay lets catch up.

as per usual i am merging all of my interests and somehow colliding them simultaneously. esthetician school has been good thankfully. im used to the trails and tribulations of capitalism and the beauty industry. me used to it lol. aside from that; i saw Frost Children for the third time in concert as well as atlgrandma and Dorian Electra for the second time. granted it was phenomenal as to be expected but the short lived conversation that i ended up having with Lulu and Angel was semi heart breaking. but i wont let my favorite artists becoming more mainstream affect my live for them again. i have learned to distance myself from expectations and unhealthy parisocial relationships and instead just continue to love people unconditionally. because people like frost children work so hard to make a name for themselves and their art and i will always deeply respect and appreciate that. i told Lulu that i had a very intense depressive episode recently and that their art got me out of that. they were a little startled to hear that (i should've expected that) but they were so kind as always reassuring me that they're happy that im doing better but that what they do isn't even all that serious. but thats the point. i love not taking life seriously. it makes life so much more fun and enjoyable not only for myself but for others as well. regardless i will always love Angel and Lulu. i will always respect the fact that they're such genuine and kind souls while also having fun and encouraging others to stick a middle finger up to the predictable.

i am blessed that i am somewhat out of that rut again. i just had to listen to those who love me. i love my friends more than anything. when i went to that show last night i went with my best friend Lex. i love her more than anything because she keeps me grounded and reminds me that my existence is important and valid. and that you can be a fan of artists such as JPEGMAFIA and remain to be queer as fuck. she's so fucking awesome and i will always appreciate that about her. she treasures me that aside from my traumas of narcissists i will never have the ill intent (hopefully) to end up like someone of that sorts.

i will never forgive thou that shall not be named for how they made me feel. cutting narcissists out of my life was one of the best decisions that i have ever made in my entire life. unfortunately not everyone appreciates and savors unconditional love. i wish i could love every being the same, but some people just refuse to let me in. that is their issues and nothing of my concern.

ive been watching a lot of Drew Monson's youtube videos. he reminds me of the people in my life that i love. and he basically saved my life. his quick witted humor and loveable personality keeps a warmth in my heart. when i was going through my episode, he understood me and helped me out of it through humor, love for pop culture, and overall relatable qualities that i find hard to find from others.

anyways. im going to take a break from chronically online to try to write a poem for my grandma. in conclusion. i will always love Dorian Electra, for reminding me that irony can be sexy and fantastic in queer artistry. that disappointment is okay, and that swaggery always oozes out of me as well as you. no matter how you choose to express it.

much love. 5 ever 👁‍🗨🙏🏻🕊 ~ princess xeon

PIC CREDITS 4 THOSE WHO CARE

1. Dorian Electra performing ‘Puppet’ live recorded from my camcorder

2. An infrared selfie I took from my camcorder

3. My coworker and friend drag legend Banshee Rose performing at Oil Can Harry’s

4. A whisper that I made

5. A photoshoot with Angel and Lulu from Frost Children

6. A cool pic that I found from Pinterest

7. The icon Shaye St John

8. A collage by yours truly

9. My new favorite shirt that I got from the Frost Children concert last night

10. My favorite book at the moment

11. Chloe Cherry :3

12. A cool pic I found from tik tok 🙄

13. Alice Longyu Gao DJing and being iconic

14. Bunny girl :D

[yourfriendanniefish]

it's december or it's january, 2007 or 2008, and i am Home for winter break. Winter Break always feels too long, a full month, maybe more. It's hard to know what to do. It's easy to get too deep into feeling At Home, it's easy to feel like going back to Chicago is going Too Far away.

This winter break I am going on the same walk over and over. It is the same walk I went on the previous summer. I am tempting fate to see someone I used to tell myself I loved. It's the same thing I did that summer. That summer I actually did see them once, driving down their street, hair newly in braids, boyfriend in the passenger seat. I saw them once that winter, too, or at least I think I did; I saw their head through the window. Their hair was brown instead of black; I put this in a song.

This makes me realize that I'm confusing my winters. I must not have seen them at all. This is the winter that ended with me getting seven teeth pulled out; it is the winter I spent messaging a girl from college on YouTube— YouTube used to have DMs! I wish it still did, if only for the fact that then it would be possible to see the genesis of a relationship that went on for somewhere like eight months and is still somehow important to me; far more important than the person whose house I used to circle.

I am listening to music on these walks. I'm listening to this song, sure. But mostly it is "Gris" by Woelv, and "Cold Hearted Cowboy" by Old Lady (which is just a high school friend of mine). Actually, let me pause for a minute and transcribe those lyrics:

i have a piano that i got on christmas day yeah it aint nothing special but im learning how to play that’s not a piano thats a picture on the wall you’ve won some foolish hearts that way but you can’t win them all so it goes, in the end, when there’s no place left to go

i tried to write a poem about the way i wish youd be in my poem you were not restless, you didnt wanna leave by now you should know better than to try to make me change this freezing heart inside of me will always be the same so it goes, in the end, when there’s no place left to go

i never cry at movies or when people go away it something that theyve got to do the tears wont make them stay ill watch you while youre sleeping and ill try to keep real still i remember that i love you more than anybody will so it goes, in the end, when there’s no place left to go

i’m leaving my lights on singing an old song i learned at camp

you, you were my best friend i’ll never condescend or lie to you

you, you were my best friend i’ll never condescend or lie to you

I still love this song. It makes me feel... well, it makes me feel old in the same way it did when I was 20 and listening to this song. All my friends are actually getting old now and I hate it. I hate it because a lot of us don't feel like we're getting anywhere. Maybe that's okay, maybe it's natural. Maybe these last three years until I'm 40 are the actual time I "figure it out." (I say, about to blow my life up again and live somewhere new instead of "settling down.")

I feel like I'm walking around my own house. I'm circling the memory of myself circling an old neighborhood. Cold in winter, listening to music on a brick iPod my soon to be girlfriend will break three months later. I am listening to the line "i never cry at movies or when people go away / it something that theyve got to do the tears wont make them stay" and just thinking about it.

Today someone introduced a group of people and said "and this is my partner, ____," and that name was the same name as the person who broke my heart twice last year and it made me so incredibly sad, in a nearly funny way of "I wish I could say, 'and this is my partner, ____'." I carried that sadness home from work, and now here I am, sitting in bed, too cold for comfort, while the city freezes and I am starkly reminded why I have to leave Chicago.

It's not just because someone broke my heart and now I have to leave. That just makes it easier.

[our-inspire-verse]

I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut

Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.

How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"

I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.

You will die without it.

And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.

Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.

I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.

[myriaaaam]

Last page from my book !

Its been over than 8 months now since our last goodbye since our last meet since the last day i saw your angelic face since the last time i heard ur voice the voice that supposed to be my fav song its been more than 8 months since i was the happiest in this world when i first started talking to you and after all what we have been living together i had no idea that there will be a life after you i was sure that there is life before you life during you but i wasn't ready for a life after you then this happened and i knew what does this exactly means i didn't knew that you are special to me to this point ive been watching me pushing my self so hard to cry so i can sleep ive been watching my self being unmotivated and lazy to do everything thinking about you , and loving you harder was my only choice to keep breathing you were the first and the last chance to me for a happy life i have cried a lot i stayed months in my bed i talked about you to everyone knowing deep inside that you don't even remember me but i kept you in my heart till today

i wasn't so sure about forgetting about you

or even about stop loving you i wasn't able to see that i worth being happy again even after you i should be happy because i do have a life too yess i loved you so much and i think ill keep loving you forever but imma move on from you moving on doesn't mean that if a commun song comes by i won't remember you moving on doesn't mean that if i saw something that reminds me of you i won't smile but im gonna move on from the things that you made me live the feelings that you made me feel im gonna move on from the fact that you still there waiting for me or you are going to show up again now i can say finally i have realized that i should not live for a heart that doesn't beat for me maybe it will takes time to accept but at least imma stop posting things about you or even wait for you to text me i won't search you between my story viewers imma stop thinking about much i have loved you and imma start thinking about how i can love myself more

and imma find someone who can love me rightly without keep reminding me of that

yess i appreciate everything that you made for me

i will always remember how much i was happy when ure arround but imma delete your words from both of my heart and mind i will always smile back to those memories we made but imma make for my self better memories but this time without you i was feeling guilty about making DUA for and about you finally i remembered how miserable you treated me too life with you wasn't only happy moments there was moments when i wasn't able to sleep because of you i wasn't reaally happy of living like that ive realized that now ALLAH gave us this life to live happy not to live for a person that moved on from us sooo quickely now im thanking ALLAH because i appreciate my self more because i have waited for you more than enough and you didn't cameback but at least i did what i should do just to not regret it later so thank you so much for not coming back now im so sure about myself and how worthy i am Goodbye !