And If It’s Not Okay... (For All Mankind post-s2 fix-it fic)
*** Chapter 31 is up! ***
Chapter Title: Astronaut’s Wife
Chapter Summary: Ed goes back home to have a conversation with Karen about their marriage, but it doesn't go as smoothly as he had hoped.
And for anyone who wants to read the chapter here on Tumblr...
*******
Chapter 31: Astronaut’s Wife
Ed drove back home from Ellington in his two-tone Stingray. He and Gordo had taken the T-38s up again. Ed had been a little concerned at first about Gordo getting back up into the air after what had just happened. A “panic attack,” Gordo had called it.
Ed had listened to Gordo take a few deep, calming breaths before their second takeoff, but after that, Gordo had seemed fine. In the air, they had joked and laughed like normal, giving each other a hard time. They had agreed to a best-of-three in their second round of dogfighting. Gordo kicked Ed’s ass twice in a row.
Gordo had always been an amazing pilot – probably the best pilot Ed knew – but Gordo seemed more confident in the air lately than he had in years. Since before their first mission to Jamestown. Gordo’s renewed confidence reminded Ed of how he had been ten or fifteen years earlier. He was an even better pilot nowadays. He wasn’t arrogant like he had been back then, but he had faith in his skills as a pilot.
Despite the panic attacks, despite everything he had been through, Gordo still came alive when he was in a cockpit. And Ed was proud of him for doing that. He was proud of Gordo for immediately facing his fear and getting back into the cockpit at Ellington. Ed could tell that Gordo had changed tremendously over the past few months. He still had his demons. He still had his fears. But he wasn’t letting those things hold him back any longer. Ed was glad to see it.
And even more than that, Ed felt inspired by it.
He had been afraid to talk to Karen. Afraid of what might happen. Afraid she would tell him that their marriage was over. That she wanted out.
But Ed was ready to talk now. He wanted to make things work. He wanted to stay married and fix whatever had broken between them. He was ready to let Karen know how he felt.
After climbing out of the T-38s, Ed and Gordo had made plans to meet up at the Pine Grill at the Shamrock the next evening. In the meantime, Ed was going back home to talk to Karen.
Ed rolled up in the driveway and went into the house. He found Karen at the kitchen table, balancing the checkbook. There were papers scattered over the surface of the table, but Ed didn’t look at them.
“Hey,” he said, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen.
Karen looked up, a small smile playing on her lips as she looked him over. He was still wearing his flight suit, but he had removed his parachute pack and left it in the car with his flight bag.
“Hi,” Karen said, looking at him curiously. “Where are you headed?”
“Nowhere,” he said. “I just got back from Ellington. Gordo and I took up a couple of jets.”
“Oh,” she said, setting down the checkbook. “Everybody okay? Nobody had to be rescued from the Gulf this time?”
“No.” Ed smiled sheepishly. “No, everyone is fine.”
“That’s good.” She paused briefly. “How are you?” she asked. “How’s Kelly?”
“We’re...okay,” he said. “You?”
“I’m okay.”
He nodded slowly, letting his gaze wander around the kitchen, not looking at anything in particular.
“What’s going on, Ed?” she asked finally.
He scratched at the back of his neck, and as he lowered his hand, he said, “I was hoping we could talk.” He paused. “About us.”
“Okay,” she said. “Are you sure?”
He looked at her. He thought he was sure. He had been sure on the drive over. But now, looking at Karen sitting in their kitchen, he wasn’t so sure. His fear about the future of their marriage was returning. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, thinking about Gordo getting back in the T-38 after his panic attack. If he could do that, Ed could surely have a conversation with his wife.
Finally, Ed nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“All right,” Karen said, setting the checkbook down on the table. “Would you like to start?”
Ed hesitated. He didn’t know how to begin. He didn’t know what Karen was thinking or what she wanted for their relationship.
Ed thought about what he wanted. He took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to get divorced.”
Karen nodded slowly but said nothing.
Unable to read how she was feeling or what she was thinking, he said, “I don’t know what happened.” He hesitated, stammering a bit as he continued. “With—with us. I don’t—I don’t know what went wrong.” He paused, trying to gather his thoughts. “I want to fix it, though. I want…” He trailed off and sighed softly. “I want us to be okay.”
Karen studied him for a long time. Ed still couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
“Thank you,” she said finally. “For wanting to talk about us.”
He nodded and slowly walked towards the table where she sat. “What, um—How are you...feeling about it? About us?”
Karen took a deep breath. She looked down at the table where the papers were scattered about. He glanced down as well, noting, among other things, a pamphlet for William and Mary.
“I’m glad you want to fix things,” she said, looking up at him again. “I do too.”
Ed exhaled a relieved sigh. “Good.”
“But we have a lot of work to do, Ed.”
“Okay,” he said, taking a seat to her left at the table. “You said you think we need counseling.”
“I do.”
He nodded. “If that’s what it takes to fix things, we can do that.”
“Yeah,” she said softly, almost in a whisper. She looked down at the table again, absently fingering the corner of the William and Mary pamphlet.
He glanced down at it. He knew Kelly had been considering William and Mary, but he was pretty sure that she had since decided on the Naval Academy. Ed wondered why Karen had the pamphlet out.
“That’s not all, though,” Karen said.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re an astronaut, Ed,” she began. He didn’t know where she was going with it, so he waited for her to continue. “Your whole life has been about the Navy and NASA. Which means that my whole life has been about those things too.”
She looked at him, and Ed wondered if he was supposed to understand what she was getting at. He didn’t.
“After Shane, I stopped caring so much about being the dutiful astronaut’s wife. And when I bought The Outpost, I thought I was carving my own path.”
Ed nodded his agreement.
“But that’s not true,” Karen said.
Ed furrowed his brow in confusion.
“Sure, I owned a bar. But it’s an astronaut bar. The astronauts still hang out there. Other people come in, hoping to get a glimpse of an astronaut and to buy astronaut trinkets and baubles.” She went quiet for a moment.
“I—I don’t understand.”
“My whole life still revolves around the space program. Around your career.” She paused. “I love you, Ed. And I support you. I do.”
“Okay,” he said, dragging out the word. “But?”
“But I need something just for me, Ed. I’ve never had that.”
Ed shook his head, confused. “What are you saying?”
She searched his eyes for a long moment before saying, “I’m thinking about going to business school.”
Ed opened his mouth to speak but didn’t know what to say. He would support her – of course he would – but he didn’t understand why she seemed hesitant to tell him.
“I need to be able to do something for myself. I want that, Ed.”
“Okay,” he said, still confused. “I think that’s great, Karen. You should do something for yourself.”
She glanced down at the table again. Ed followed her gaze, eyeing the William and Mary pamphlet again. His stomach knotted.
“Wait,” he uttered. “Are you…”
She looked up at him, and he could tell that she was bracing for his reaction.
“No,” he said. “You’re—You’re wanting to go to William and Mary?”
“I’m thinking about it,” she said, holding his gaze.
He got up from his seat. He paced for a few seconds and then stopped, looking at Karen who remained at the table. “You want to go to school halfway across the country?”
“Like I said, Ed, I’m thinking about it.”
“How are we supposed to work on our marriage when you’re in Virginia?”
“This semester has already begun, so the earliest I could start would be the spring semester. We would still have months before I would need to leave.”
“‘Leave,’” Ed muttered with a wry chuckle. “You want to leave?”
“What’s the big deal, Ed? You leave all the time. And space – hell, the moon – is a hell of a lot farther than the east coast.”
“That’s…” Ed trailed off, not sure what to say. She had a point. He hated that she had a point, but she did.
“Don’t say ‘that’s different,’ Ed. It’s not. Your entire career – our entire marriage – has been based on you leaving. Going to war. Going to space.”
“Yeah, but…” Ed waved a hand, unsure how to continue. It felt different to him, but he couldn’t figure out why.
“But what, Ed? Is it because it’s me leaving this time? It’s okay as long as you are the one who gets to leave, but it’s not okay if it’s me. Is that it?”
“I…” That was part of it, but Ed didn’t want to admit it. He knew that would only anger Karen. “I thought you wanted to work on our marriage.”
“I do, Ed. It doesn’t have to be either-or. We can do both.”
“How?” he demanded, raising his voice. “You’ll be gone for months at a time.”
“You were on the moon for months, Ed,” she said plainly.
“Yeah, but—But we still talked. We had the video comms.”
“We can still do that,” Karen said. “I’ll get a comm for my apartment in Virginia.”
“Your…” Ed shook his head in disbelief. “Your apartment?”
“Yeah, I don’t imagine I’ll stay in the dorms.”
“I don’t—You’ve already decided this, haven’t you?”
“I haven’t,” she said. “Not for sure. But it is something I’m seriously considering, Ed.”
“I…” Ed trailed off, shaking his head again. He didn’t understand what was happening. “I came here to talk about us,” he said, his voice strained with emotion. “And now you’re telling me you want to leave. You want to go halfway across the country instead of staying here to work on our marriage.”
“Not ‘instead of,’” Karen said.
“I don’t—I can’t listen to this right now.” Eyes stinging, Ed turned and headed for the door.
“Ed,” Karen said from behind him.
Something screamed at him to stop. To turn around and go back. To finish talking with Karen and figure things out. But he didn’t listen. He stormed out the front door, hopped in his Corvette, and sped towards the Shamrock.
5 notes
·
View notes