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And If It’s Not Okay... (For All Mankind post-s2 fix-it fic)

*** Chapter 49 is up! ***

Chapter Title: Commiserate

Chapter Summary: After their visit to the cemetery, a night of commiserating turns into something else for Gordo and Tracy.

And for those who would like to read the chapter here on Tumblr...

*******

Gordo sat beside Tracy on a stool at the bar of a restaurant a couple of blocks from their hotel in Arlington, Virginia. They had just eaten dinner and were having a couple of drinks.

After visiting Vance Paulson’s grave, the two of them had gone to Jon Gatos’s grave next. Tracy hadn’t really known him at all. They had met once or twice on the base, but Jon was in the control room, and Tracy was flying the LSAM. Their paths didn’t cross too often at Jamestown.

Gordo, however, had trained with Jon. They hadn’t spent much time together outside of work, besides getting a few post-work drinks and having some laughs. And they had usually done that with the rest of the mission crew along as well. But Jon was a good guy, and Gordo couldn’t help but think about how that could have been Tracy and him instead. They could have been the two buried in Arlington National Cemetery instead of, or along with, Vance and Jon.

“We were lucky,” Gordo said softly beside Tracy. He picked up his glass of whiskey and took a gulp.

“That’s one word for it, I guess,” Tracy said.

Gordo nodded. “I don’t really get it, though.”

“What?”

“Why we were spared,” he clarified. “Why we didn’t die up there.” He sniffed and looked at Tracy. “We were out on the surface of the moon without spacesuits.” He paused, searching Tracy’s face. “How did we survive that?”

She shook her head slowly. “No idea.”

“Jon was in the control room. He should’ve been safe there. And Vance had a spacesuit and a gun.”

“I know,” Tracy said quietly. “There’s just no rhyme or reason for the way things happen sometimes.”

Gordo took a deep breath. As he exhaled heavily, he let out a wry chuckle, shaking his head. He lifted his whiskey and took another drink.

“I used to go visit Deke’s memorial on the moon,” Tracy said.

Gordo looked at her. He realized, in the short time that he had been at Jamestown the last time, that he hadn’t seen the memorial. He wondered if he ever would.

“I’d go there when I was feeling overwhelmed or lonely or isolated,” Tracy continued. “It helped.”

Gordo watched her closely. “Good.”

“Yeah. I’d complain about whatever was bothering me, and then I’d imagine what he would say.”

Gordo offered a small smile. “What would he say?”

“He’d tell me to get over it,” Tracy said with a soft chuckle. “Or remind me that being up there on the moon – being an astronaut – was everything I had worked for. Everything I had wanted.”

Gordo nodded. “It’s not always as glamorous as it seems.”

“No. But thinking about what Deke would say usually helped stop my pity party and made me realize that I could keep going.”

Gordo smiled. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.” She took a drink of her whiskey before continuing. “You know he tried to get me to quit? Deke. When I was an astronaut candidate.”

“Really?” Gordo hadn’t heard about that. But he was reminded of when Tracy had considered quitting herself. Gordo had tried to convince her to see it through, and it had turned into a big blowout between them.

“By then, I had realized just how much I wanted it. I told him, basically, that I wasn’t going to quit, and that if he wanted me to leave, he’d have to cut me.”

Gordo chuckled quietly. “Good for you. You have never been one to let anyone tell you what to do.”

“No.” She laughed softly. “Definitely not.”

“And look at you now,” Gordo said, eyeing Tracy with pride. “Saving the moon. The Medal of Honor.” He paused before adding, “It’s a shame he’s not still here to see it all.”

“Yeah,” Tracy agreed. “A lot of good people have died in the name of the future of space travel.”

“I remember when everything was so carefree,” Gordo said. “Maybe that was just me back then. I don’t know. People had died before that.”

“No one we really knew, though,” Tracy pointed out. “Not that that makes it any less tragic. We just didn’t have to deal with the grief so much personally.”

“Yeah,” Gordo said. “That’s probably a big part of it.”

Tracy eyed him curiously.

Gordo continued, explaining, “I felt like I was on top of the world back then. Like I could have anything I wanted. Do anything I wanted. It was all just there for the taking. Space travel. Getting missions.” Gordo smiled, recalling his time on Apollo 10. “Seeing the moon that close for the first time.” He exhaled heavily, chuckling a little. “It was exhilarating. And then my first mission to Jamestown. We know how that turned out, but beforehand—God, I was so excited.”

“I remember,” Tracy said gently.

“I couldn’t believe that I was not only getting to land on the moon for my first time, but that I was going to be living up there temporarily. That I was going to get to be one of the first people to ever live on the moon.” He paused, recalling that feeling. He remembered how excited he had been at his launch and when he, Ed, and Dani had stepped foot on the surface of the moon together. He smiled. “That was one of the best feelings I’d ever had.”

“And then reality sunk in,” Tracy said.

“Mm,” Gordo hummed. “Yeah. A hundred and forty-five days on the moon. That was unexpected.” He paused. “It all just fell apart, week after week. Every time they told us it was going to be ‘another two weeks,’ I could feel it chipping away at my enthusiasm and my sanity.” He looked at Tracy, offering a wry smile. “Just knowing that you were back on earth, getting more and more impatient with me and us and that there was nothing I could do about it.” He paused, finishing his whiskey in one big gulp. He caught the bartender’s attention and tapped his glass for another. It would be his third. “I was such an optimist before that.”

“I think you’re still an optimist,” Tracy said. “Just now with a healthy dose of realism to go with it.”

“Yeah.” Gordo smiled a little. “Maybe.”

The bartender brought him another whiskey, and Gordo thanked him.

“You know, Ed blames himself for all of it,” Tracy said. “When we were both up the other night, unable to sleep, he told me that.”

“Yeah,” Gordo said. He had had that conversation with Ed on the side of the road a week and a half earlier. “I know he does. It wasn’t his fault, though.”

“No,” Tracy agreed. “That’s just something he’s going to have to get through himself.”

“Yeah.”

“Speaking of getting through things,” Tracy began.

“What?” Gordo asked.

“How are you doing?” Tracy asked. “With everything. With...the panic attacks. And therapy.”

“Mm. Okay, I think.” They had discussed his first therapy appointment with Dr. Ozarin on the three-hour flight from Houston to Arlington, so Tracy already knew the details of the session.

“Do you think she’ll help you?”

“I hope so,” Gordo said. “Probably.” He sniffed and took a sip from his whiskey glass. “I feel more open this time around.”

Tracy nodded. “Well, you’ve been through it before.”

“Yeah. I just—I didn’t open up enough with Dr. Marsten. And I didn’t feel like I dealt with everything very well.”

Tracy nodded, watching him. “You should open up to her. Dr. Ozarin. You need that, Gordo. And I’m here this time too, okay?”

Gordo looked at Tracy and smiled, glad to hear it. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

She took a drink, and he did the same.

Then, he asked, “Do you think you’ll ever go back?”

“To Jamestown?”

“Yeah. Or just to space in general.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “Not anytime soon.”

“Yeah.”

“What about you?”

“Same,” Gordo said. “We went through a lot up there. And back here.”

“We’re still going through it,” Tracy pointed out, waving a hand that Gordo assumed was to indicate their reason for visiting Arlington.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “And it was a lot to put our boys through.”

Tracy nodded. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “And now one of those boys wants to be an astronaut too.”

“Maybe we can steer him away from that,” Gordo said hopefully.

Tracy chuckled. “Right. Good luck with that.”

“I know.” Gordo laughed softly. “I don’t think anything is going to stop him from becoming an astronaut.”

“Can you blame him?” Tracy asked. “Both of his parents are astronauts. I’m just relieved that Jimmy doesn’t have that dream as well.”

“Me too, honestly,” Gordo said. “But I just wonder…”

“About what?”

“If any of this has turned Danny off from that dream. If his parents nearly dying has changed anything for him.”

“I don’t know,” Tracy uttered. “I mean, he has always known the risks. He’s always known how dangerous it is.”

“Yeah,” Gordo agreed. “But knowing it and seeing it nearly happen to someone you love are two different things.”

“True.” Tracy shrugged a shoulder. “I feel like Danny is going to charge through that. If it were Jimmy, he might have second thoughts. But Danny…”

Gordo nodded and took a drink before saying, “No man, woman, or beast is going to keep Danny from becoming an astronaut, if that’s what he wants to do.” He smiled at Tracy, adding, “He’s a lot like his mom in that way.”

Tracy smiled, locking eyes with Gordo. They held each other’s gaze for a long moment. Gordo felt something stirring in him. He glanced at Tracy’s lips.

“You ready to head back to the hotel?” Tracy asked.

Gordo’s stomach clenched. He didn’t know if it was an innocent question or a suggestive one. He nodded, hoping for the latter.

Gordo gulped the rest of his whiskey and paid for their meals and drinks. Then, they walked the two blocks back to their hotel together and went up to their room. Tracy had booked a single room for the two of them. There were two queen-sized beds, but Gordo didn’t know whether or not Tracy booking one room for them had meant something more than simply saving a few bucks.

Tracy unlocked the door and went inside. Gordo followed her into the hotel room and latched the door behind him. Tracy turned on a lamp and removed her shoes, placing them neatly beside the television stand.

“What did you mean?” Gordo asked, watching her. “At Jamestown.”

Tracy looked at him, brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“My first night there,” he continued. “When we were smoking in the airlock.” He took a couple of slow steps towards Tracy who just watched him curiously. “‘Catch me if you can,’” Gordo reminded her. “That’s what you said.”

A slow smile formed on Tracy’s lips. “I did.”

“What did that mean?” he asked. “Was that just harmless flirting, or…?”

Tracy tilted her head slightly, eyes sparkling despite the dim light in the room. “What do you think it meant?”

“I think it was a challenge,” Gordo said. “I had just confessed my feelings to you. Confessed that I wanted you back. I had just told you that I wouldn’t be happy again until I was back with you.”

Tracy just watched him. She looked a little amused but also curious as to where he was going with it all. Wondering why he had brought it up.

“And then you told me to catch you if I can.” He slowly closed the gap between them. They were half an arm’s length away. “I think you wanted to see just how much I wanted you back.” Gordo stared down at Tracy as she stared up at him.

“Is that what you’re doing now?” she asked, offering a small smirk. “Trying to catch me?”

Gordo searched her eyes, remembering why he had fallen in love with her twenty-two years earlier. Quietly, he said, “Only if you’ll be caught.”

Tracy held his gaze for a long moment. “Are you drunk?” she asked softly after a few moments, catching him off guard.

He shook his head. “Only a little uninhibited.”

“So, your normal self,” Tracy said with a grin.

Gordo chuckled. “Are you drunk?”

“I had one whiskey.”

“Were you changing the subject by asking me?” Gordo said.

“No. Just curious if this is you talking or the alcohol.”

“It’s me, Trace,” Gordo assured her. “It’s always me.”

She nodded slightly, watching him. He could see the debate in her eyes.

“It can just be about tonight,” he whispered.

“Because everyone has sex after a funeral?” Tracy asked with a smirk.

Gordo smiled. “Something like that.”

“Or...whatever this was that we just did today.”

Gordo nodded. “Close enough.”

He had sort of felt like they had attended a funeral. They had missed Vance’s and Jon’s actual funerals, so their visit to Arlington had been their version. And afterwards, Gordo had felt a lot like he usually did after real funerals that he had attended in the past. Sad. A little numb. Wanting to feel something good.

Tracy still held his gaze, so Gordo slowly leaned in. He remembered how she had pulled away at Jamestown when he had done that.

She didn’t pull away now.

He kissed her softly on the lips, suddenly missing that feeling with her and aching for more. She returned the kiss, and Gordo reached up, gently placing his hand on the side of her neck. Tracy put her hands on his waist, gently at first and then more firmly as they deepened their kiss.

They moved to the bed closer to the window. Tracy slid her hands up to his biceps and pushed him back towards the bed. He backed up until his legs ran into the bed, and he sat down on the end of it. Tracy knelt on the bed, her knees on either side of his thighs. He put his hands on her waist as she leaned down to kiss him hard on the mouth. A soft moan escaped his lips.

Gordo felt Tracy’s hands at his waist, pulling his shirt up. He let her pull it off over his head, and then she tossed it to the floor.

She urged him to move back on the bed, and he did, lying on his back on the neatly-made bed, with his head on one of the pillows. Still fully clothed, Tracy straddled his hips. He felt the warmth of her hands on his bare torso as she gently caressed his sides, chest, and stomach.

He took a deep breath, hoping not to break whatever spell had been cast between them. Then, Tracy leaned down, kissing him on the mouth again as she unfastened his pants.

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