#and idk if I can handle being legit alone

[whimsyprinx]

some days I actually feel like I’m able to think clearly and am not as inconsolable as I thought

[mommahughes19-23]

imma tattoo artist - Q.H

@tattoosbymorgs : did some tattoos and then took my best friend to see my man play his favorite game..

tagged : @yfriend @_quinnhughes

location : VAN

_eliaspettersson : dude that dragon is SICK and I wish I didn't hate needles ...

luca.fantilli : next time I see you I wanna get my tiny love dinosaur

↪ tattoosbymorgs : make it happen lu - you know where I am, bring ya self

bboeser : I WANT YOUR JACKET. give it here!!!!

jackhughes : oh. wow. this is neat.

lhughes_06 : I think your friend is confused as to who's jersey she should wear ..

↪ tattoosbymorgs : DONT PRESSURE MY FRIEND YOU BULLY! SHE CAN CHEER FOR WHO EVER SHE WANTS

trevorzegras : wow... thats legit my bestest lil cousin ever PLEASE TATTOO ME ASAP

↪ tattoosbymorgs : first off im 2 years older than you, second off no, I saw you cheat on me with your other artist.❌

bradytkachuk : dang Quinn, talented and pretty, she's a keeper.

↪ tattoosbymorgs : what is that even supposed to mean?

↪ bradytkachuk : just that youre more skilled than young Quinten will ever be

↪ ehtkachuk : BRADY leave her alone

icole28 : best frienddddddd

lindholmelias : my two best friends ugh

zadorov_16 : I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADY OMG I WANT TO FREAKING COME HOME

elblue6 : so talented! love you sweetie.

dakotajoshua8 : will u ever tattoo me?

↪ tattoosbymorgs : probably not because you didn't say please

_tylermyers_ : well even tho you didn't wear any canucks gear I guess its fine... 🆘

↪ tattoosbymorgs : I LET MY FRIEND WEAR IT TO GIVE HER AN AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE YOU FUCK😑😑😑

yfriend : the best time ever!!!!!!!!!! @j.tmiller9 MORE FIGHTSSS

emmamatthews : you crazy girl!! miss you!😜

austonmatthews : any luck convincing Quinn to let you tattoo him?

↪ tattoosbymorgs : you know the answer is still no.... why do you have to be so mean to me

lelexdemko : sweetie that is stunning! cant wait to see you next season!!😘

_quinnhughes : i smile just for you baby ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😁😁😁😁😁

↪ tattoosbymorgs : I love you so much omg 💕💕💕💕💕

nilshoglander : this is a lot of pda idk if I can handle it👀

j,tmiller9 : I wanna get a tattoo by you ☺️

↪ tattoosbymorgs : NO. jk if you bring your children I might reconsider 😏

tdemko30 : @_quinnhughes get my number #35 tattooed on you 😁

↪ _quinnhughes : not going to happen bud

ehtkachuk : STUNNING MOMMAAA ❤️❤️❤️❤️

colecaufield : 🙈

_alexturcotte : 🥴

*TURNING THIS INTO A FEW PART SERIES OF QUINN x TATTOO ARTIST!GF*

A.N : HIIIIII - long note bc some stuff happened and idk it got me thinking.

ok so this is basically me just ranting about tattoo related things :)

This girl is (obviously) an actual tattoo artist who does real business and I am a HUGEEEEE believer in giving credit where it is due.... so I believe her name is Mar, ALL WORKS OF ART ABOVE ARE THE ORIGINAL WORKS OF MAR DO NOT STEAL OR CREDIT AS YOUR OWN. below you can find a link to her Pinterest where I am sure you could research more to find her other socials.

even if you dont want to know more about her work I encourage you to just look at some of it regardless because (again im not a tattoo artist just a girl with a few tattoos and an obsession) I believe she is mainly a fine line style artist and while being an artist of any capacity takes talent fine line is its own art. I know she also does some capacity of portrait work (I haven't seen any people just a few pet ones) and those are also a tremendously precise skill set. all in all I just think that people should appreciate the time, work, and effort these artist put into their work.

anywho I just wanted to say I would be honored for her to tattoo me.

tagged : @quinnylouhughesx43 @skylershines @jacktoria4ever @bunbunbl0gs @63kaprizov

[helluvapurf]

...so uhhhhh, "Apology Tour" was... *interesting*-

Didn't even seem that long ago since "Full Moon" came out so I didn't expect another ep drop this morning, buuuut welp! Lets discuss:

First off just to smoothen things up a bit, The Positives:

-Animation & visuals were quite pretty, and wasn't expecting the whole "spooky Halloween" aesthetic at Verosika's party (tho that may just be the summer season speaking lol) but hey, I kinda dig it~ 👀

-Verosika in-general, I was super stoked to see more of here! 💜and even with her staying pretty sassy/bitter towards Blitz... its honestly hard not to feel for her once she & him finally had that one-on-one convo (even revealing that she did legit love him... but Blitz simply couldn't stay with her due to his own commitment/intimacy issues ;-; ). And even if it was technically more of a pettiness move to theme her party around hating Blitz... in a way, its lowkey kinda sweet how much she wanted to help others "heal" from heartbreak? Aww... 🥺 Idk, do I still wish Verosika could've been more of the "major" character focus here (as Fizzarolli was in his past couple eps)? Absolutely. But for what its worth... I had fun watching her as I did💗 (& hopefully this won't be the last time Verosika appears story-wise, cause oml imagine the bonding potential of her, Blitz & Fizz as a reunited trio lol)

-That one incubus dude that flirted with Stolas (+kissed him) at the end seemed like a chill dude. Even if he most likely won't appear again, his vibe was fun to watch lol.

-OH, we finally get to see Mrs. Mayberry again, sweet~! :> ...and, she's apparently dating Martha now? Huh, thats... interesting, I guess? .3. (*wonder what happened to her husband/kids tho, 'cause I kiiiinda thought they would've landed in Hell too ngl-*)

...aaaaand okay yeah, that'll cover the Positives I've got atm. Now for The Negatives... ohhhhh boy:

-I... guess I'm not super alone in this opinion rn from what I've read from other fans, buuuuut... Stolas can you shut your entitled-hypocrite-mouth up for five minutes, please?? 🤦‍♀️Like, I know the dude's still reeling from how "Full Moon" ended, so him being in a mixed mood is to be expected tbh... but omllllll the way he was just SO smug, dramatic and pushy about being the "good guy" in how he & Blitz ended (-as if HE wasn't the one who set up their whole "transactional" dynamic since the start of the freakin' show?? =_=), even whining about the events of "Western Energy" (-when all Blitz was doing was prioritizing his daughter's well-being at the hospital, like a good dad should), was just... seriously?? >> Like... yes, Blitz may be a whole mess himself with how he's treated others (esp poor Verosika 💔), but that does NOT make Stolas a saint with how he handled things himself. From hanging the Grimoire over Blitz's head, creeping on him again & again, practically ragdoll-ing the poor guy's feelings during the crystal exchange (not even skipping a bit when Blitz was close to crying), aaaaand not to mention...

...so like, tell me how I'm expected to believe Blitz is the one who needs to do all this apologizing/groveling... WHEN HE DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO STOLAS EXCEPT (RIGHTFULLY) CALLING THIS BLUEBLOOD BIRD OUT ON HIS BS?? 😑

*sighs* Sorry, didn't mean to get heated there but... yiiiikes is this show sending so many mixed messages of where I'm supposed to stand with these two, I can't keep up anymore- 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

-As much as I get what the ep was trying to do in having Blitz see past his own ego/apologize to others… Iiiiii'd be lying if I said I didn't feel just a tad bit uncomfortable at the increasing Blitz hate, throughout the party-sequence ^^; Like, I know he's a shitty guy who's done shitty things, and absolutely he needs to recognize how much he's hurt those like Verosika (& his other exes)… buuuuut tying into my previous point, it just rings rather unfair that most of this seems mostly spurned from him rejecting Stolas, of all people? ._. When… again, they were NEVER an actual couple like him & Verosika were, instead were just a simple once-a-month hookup deal that soured 'cause of Stolas' mess of a "confession"… y'all really expect me to believe Blitz is the bad guy for not immediately accepting the "feefee's" of a privileged, horny prince (aka: the one who did hold the Grimoire over his head since S1's "Murder Family")? …Ehhhh, sorry but I am NOT buying that crap lmao -x- 👎

[halliescomut]

Love Sea Ep 8 Post-Watch Thoughts

I was gonna post thoughts as I went, but forgot, so here's hoping I can remember everything that happened in the episode.

- General comment: I love the more playful air of the intimate scenes this episode. There's no "graphic" NC scenes this ep, and instead Mame basically opts for fade-to-black for the couple we see initiated, but there's a significant increase in the playfulness between Rak and Mut, which is a very subtle but lovely bit of storytelling in my opinion. It demonstrates that what's happening is about more than the contract or the sex, but that they're becoming comfortable with each other.

- The father legit still confuses the fuck out of me. Like....does he actually want something. Does he just want to punish Rak by making him live a life alone because Rak chose his mother? Because that's what it seems like, and yeah shitty people are often just shitty, no deeper meaning, but seriously how can this man think Rak would have done anything else after he was such a garbage husband and father? I feel like if he tried at all to look at the series of events from Rak's perspective at all he'd be like "You know what, that's fair. I probably would have made the same choice."

-I've said this several times, but I like seeing Mut do little things to take care of Rak. I think it's good for Rak, because it shows him what the potential future could be. I also really liked the bit of internal dialogue we got at the opening of the episode about how mundane daily tasks, done in repetition are a way of showing care to those we cherish. I think that's just a really lovely sentiment.

-While I'm still mad at P'Vi, because all of her anxiety over Mook not realizing she's being flirted with could have been avoided if she was just honest. She's pushing Rak so hard to admit his feelings to himself, and even teasing him, but she can't confess to her crush either, so does she really have a leg to stand on? I realize that a lot of these choices are kinda done for the drama, but I feel like there were other options that might land better and wouldn't rely on P'Vi playing a bunch of games. Really, her just repeatedly confessing to Mook and Mook just passing it off as her being silly or not serious would have been a good option.

-Issues with P'Vi's deplorable choices in regards to wooing Mook aside, I did really like her convo with Rak this episode. I really like their friendship and how honest they are with each other. It's an important part of friendship. And while they're very honest and even blunt, it never feels like they're being cruel. Both actors did really well conveying the level of familiarity they would have, and how well they know each other's boundaries. They push and tease, but don't cross the line.

-I feel bad for Meena. Poor lamb. As precocious as she is, she is still just a little kid and shouldn't have ever been pulled into the adult concerns happening. The fact that Rak's father is so willing to use her shows exactly what kind of man he is, truly.

-Mut and his handling of Meena and Rak's dad showed a level of seriousness and maturity that's not unexpected, but is a good counterweight to his more fun-loving casual demeanor most of the time. We love a man that can do both. (Also, idk if you noticed, but the jeans this episode were showcasing the tushy excellently.)

-I've got mixed feelings on the whole jealousy scene and the foreplay-esque fight. It feels just so vaguely ooc to me, but this is original IP, so it's basically canon, so it can't be ooc. It honestly just checks off my bingo box for "poorly considered D/s dynamics portrayed". Watching it it felt like they were a couple doing a scene, but we as the audience weren't present for the pre-game discussion, you know? Maybe part of why it felt so odd is that it seems like Mame is trying to portray consent in a healthier way while at the same time feeding into that 'No" Kink she has and so the scene feels incongruous...idk.

-Truly the only real issue I have with this episode is the continuity of Rak's iPhone. When his father surprises him we watch the phone drop and the screen shatter in slow motion, clearly to a level that would make it unusable, but then after their talk he walks away actively calling Mut on the phone and it's clearly functional. Like this is not a deal breaker for me, but it is such an obvious break in continuity that I'm kind of surprised.

Okay, that's all I can think of. Two episodes left. I'm excited and also a bit sad to see the story end. Sidenote, do any of y'all feel like this show has rewatch potential? I've rewatched LITA & DSN a bunch, and LBC and TT once, and WP none at all, since their original release, but I'm not sure how I'll feel about rewatching Love Sea.

[buggybambi]

mae girl! i’ve been living for your carmy stuff. k know you’re just getting back but i’ve been thinking about this idea for a while and i believe the last writer i shared with had gotten deactivated. this might be two ideas instead of one so feel free to do whatever you desire. idk why but would you be down to write some fluff and angst with maybe like married!carmy? maybe something where nat and pete legit ambush carmy and his wife to start talking again? but it like a lighthearted fluffy kinda way at the same time ? utilizing the scene carmy yells at syd as a base- i hate to use that scene as an example but it’s one that comes to mind when writing this atm. anyway, like the reader doesn’t work at the bear but’ll come in on her days off and mornings before her shift to help them open. and carm is already on edge about something going on in the resto and he yells at his wife out of overwhelming frustration. evidently, he’s mad at himself for it after he does it he apologized but she’s all like “no.” and she’s literally giving him the silent treatment. ofc her and nat are besties and loves her sil, so i totally see nat roping pete into getting carmy to come over whilst the reader is already on her way since they haven’t spoken in a while. both nat and pete are literally doing whatever they can to keep these two in separate spaces of the house because neither carm or his wife have any clue they’re there. maybe like y/n is inside with nat and pete meets carmy outside on arrival? the reader is walking towards to the door to out and nat’s still stalling like “so are things with you and my brother?” and the reader scoffs and nat’s just like “still not talking to him huh?” and while the reader grabs the handle slowly opening the door open she’s all like “look, sugar- you know i love your brother, but carmy sometimes can be a piece of shit” and then all you hear is carmy being like “oh, i’m a piece of shit- even after i apologized to you?” and i can just see carmy and the reader being like wth is going on here. idk but nat and pete will sillily have to do the most to get these two the civilly sit down inside of their house to even have anything of a talk. and then nat team tagging with pete to get to the bottom of things and then she lets it slip that y/n had mentioned that they were trying to get pregnant and camry’s just like “wait. what? and carmy already up and ready to talk to her alone. this man would be so loving the first time all like “y/nn can i talk to you in the kitchen for a second?” and then she’s tryna explain and carm out here using her FULL name “in the kitchen now.” just hearing how he’d say it makes me squirm and squeak 😂😩. and she’s just speeding over because she knows he means it when he pulls out the first name. and think with that he’s all just hurt that she told his sister and he hadn’t really said anything- since it was their thing they they were still figuring out. seriously feel free to do whatever you desire. just sharing the same idea i’ll dream about in a few moments. tysm in advance 😭.

- 🥣.

i'm so sorry this took me so long to write, my love! this has nothing to do with you i just got a bit concerned and got lost so many times lmfao, im just dumb like that

ʚɞ

naturally, carmen wants to try to keep his anger away from you. you’re his love, his angel, his everything. the idea that he blew up at you makes him wanna cry but you won’t talk to him, you refuse to in fact until you process what he said.

“why the fuck are you here?! i don’t need you messing shit up and crowding me!” he yelled at you. the memory fresh in your mind. it should be since it’s the only thing you’ve thought about for the past few days.

nat and pete, in their own ways, notice this and take charge. pete thinks you two can handle it but nat chimes in with the, “i know my brother. he can’t handle shit. If this is left up to him to resolve, nothing will happen. i love him but still.”

so they form their plan. pete invites carmy over to set up furniture, catch up, whatever and nat invites you over to talk about the baby and ask for your help with meal prepping. “so, have you and my brother talked about what happened at the restaraunt?” she asks.

you walk over to the couch, putting on your jacket and scarf. you let out a scoff as your answer. “taking that as a no.” nat answers. you put your hand on the doorknob, your back to the front lawn where carmen and pete, unknowing to you, stand.

"look, you know I love Carmen. and you know i want-" you sigh. "i want a family with him, Nat. i want a child, or children, with the guy. but your brother can be a real piece of shit sometimes." You open the door fully at that point, where carmen's now staring at you.

"i'm a piece of shit, after i apologized to you?" carmen asks. you stare at him before looking at pete, then at natalie whose got a guilty smile on her face. "okay. what the hell is this?" You question.

"oh! carmy, hi! i had no idea you were gonna be here. come on in, we'll all have some coffee and we can talk about what's happening." natalie says as she pulls you inside, motioning for carmen to come inside.

he reluctantly agrees, stepping inside as he sits at the dining room table. you stand in the kitchen, far enough away from them.

i think once nat reveals that you told her you want kids his reaction changes. maybe you two talked about it or maybe he doesnt know but either way, he wants to talk to you. that changes things in his mind. because you still want kids with him.

while you and carm work out your own issues, of course nat and pete take credit for it, even though you and carmy are both mad at her. also the idea of carmen using your full name as a way to call you stop oh my gosh

[kimberlyannharts]

LAST TIME ON RANGER ACADEMY:

Dark Specter has begun to infect Ranger Academy, and Sage and Tula tapped into the age-old Red/Green shipping to save the day! Unfortunately Ranger Academy is full of fucking narcs and expelled Tula for being cool and wanting justice for her dead sister or whatever. In general the Headmaster might be cool with children dying? Yeah, Sage, I think we gotta take your polycule and go.

It's RANGER ACADEMY #9!

= "what are you?" "an idiot sandwich" but like, in a gay best friends way

= they are so dear to me

= "his friend" girl I think your dad is gay

= I know the whole plot with the Green campus and the question of "hey, is being Green bad?" is a big source of contention in the fandom, and I've brought up similar criticisms, but the whole thing kind of makes more sense if you look at it outside of the context of the PR universe and more in terms of it being some kind of LGBTQA+ allegory. Like it was kind of hinted at before, and I don't know if it's still 100% intentional considering this book is full of legit LGBTQA representation that isn't treated like a big deal in-universe, but panels like this feel especially blatant with that kind of message

= a lot of children swearing in this issue

= this is sooooooooo cute but also my old post about how her Ranger team is going to end up being her friends with her dad filling the Red spot is going to come true isn't it

= so some more answers! The infected friend was Zilan. We don't have a legit design for him yet (he's either covered up or just shown with no detail) but he IS confirmed to have hair, so probably not an Eltarian despite the Z-name. Thank god, I was getting Eltarian War flashbacks

= the last time someone I cared about tried to handle things alone, he broke the multiverse with an Egg and caused three women to get wiped from existence and went on to wear combat boots over his Ranger boots. wait, wrong comic

= you know I don't mind stuff like "oh my Grid" and "thank the Grid" because it's pretty cute and makes sense in-universe the same way that stuff like "StarClan help me" and "trust the Force" does but idk. It always just throws me because of how secular the school is for them to suddenly use phrasing that implies religious framing. Mathis Has Become Catholic

= If you wonder why I keep complaining about the overuse of romance in Darkest Hour, stuff like this is why. We don't know if Mathis and Tula is romantic - but what's important is that you can really feel how powerful their bond is that they could be believably romantic if the comic chooses to go that route. Darkest Hour seemed to rely on just the fact that they have a romance to do the heavy lifting for actually proving how close they are

= heyyyy the debut of Theo and Maev's Ranger forms (yeah the Ranger Academy suits are just recolors, but shush, it's still cool) and Ranger weapons! Maev's pretty much got Power Daggers like MMPR Yellow but Theo has a spear that shoots fire, so a W for Black Rangers here

= Lindy if you're coming on this adventure we are going to get you a Ranger suit by god

= HOT DAD NOOOOOOOO

[felixwaffling]

Totally different vibe but I'm gay and thinking so much about him. This post might get nsfw, folks.

I'm smitten. Sure we have our problems, I mean, of course we do, he's dating ME- But FUCK, man. It's like how I felt with Alex except Victor is a good person who actually loves me. He's way stronger than me, which makes me SHAKE bro. He could hurt me if he wanted to, but he's so nice. He calls me things that have me on my fucking knees.

Like. Hooooly shit I can't wait til I get a chance to meet him in person bc when I say I'm gonna do whatever he wants... I MEAN WHATEVER. Like. I will be incapable of saying no. I will be pathetic.

Imagine if we meet in a bar and I get super drunk and kiss him dude that- HGJDHDBFHFHD.

I want him. I want him ON ME. I legit- like. I'm acespec, sex repulses me, the thought of being touched is so scary, but like I'd let him be all over me if he actually wanted me. I'd let him do ANYTHING.

I am so fucking attracted to this guy, and we have so much in common that some days we do nothing but play video games for literally the whole day together... We play almost every night and he puts up with my drunk nonsense, he doesn't complain <333

I wish I could tell him about the shit I'm into bc the only way this could get better is if I get proper dominated man I'm- I'm weak, I'm small, I like hiding behind people and letting them make all the decisions. I'm a dog for this man. I'm property.

FUCK I am drunk rn and if any of my friends find this I'm going to be humiliated beyond belief, they don't-

Nobody knows how much I want this man to fuck me and it weighs heavy, like, I don't even think he knows how I'd kill for him to both absolutely wreck me AND baby me.

Bc on one hand. I'm a little baby. I'm pure. I'm innocent. Treat me like a little goober and hold me and. IDK FUCK MAYBE I JUST HAVE DADDY ISSUES BC I THINK IM ASKING FOR A DILF-

... but on the other hand, I'm a bad person, I'm the worst, I'm whatever villain you need me to be just PLEASE put me in my fucking place I *WANT* you to punish me I'm like literally asking for it, I'm doing shit that gets on ur nerves bc I wanna be RAILED man I WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS ANNOYING IF YOUD JUST SLAM ME AGAINST THE WALL AND BREAK ME WHEN IM A LITTLE BITCH

HhHh.

I still can't believe I'm saying all this shit

I'm beyond wasted. Like. Intoxicated moreso than usual. Typing this so far has taken an HOUR and I got sad halfway through out of humiliation and went to write that first post. But even through all the drinking, all I can really think about is being pinned to his bed 👉👈,,,

,,, it's not just sex either bc I want kisses. Neck kisses. Like. Damn. I want him to hold me from behind. I want to cling to him. Hide my face against him. If he touched my face I would do the fucking meme thing and refuse to let go of his hand. I want to snuggle against him and just. Disappear for a while.

.... I want to cry myself to sleep in *his arms* instead of on my own. I hug my pillows and try desperately to pretend they're him. I see him when I fall asleep, when I'm alone, when I'm sad... when I'm fucking suicidal the thing that stops me is that then I'd have to wait who KNOWS how long for him to live out his own life, and that I might have to watch him fall in love with someone else (the worst thing ever)

If. If I ever lost him idk what I'd do because fuck dude. He's everything. Victor is my world. I want to meet him.

.... I also want him to control every aspect of my life and tell me what to do bc without guidance I drown. Ppl might think it'd be toxic, but I think I need that in my life. I hate making decisions. I want to sit quietly and let him think, bc I'm bad at thinking, and thinking overwhelms me. I want him to hide me behind him and be the one to handle the world so that I can just be *his.*

UGH. THIS IS THE HORNIEST, SAPPIEST FUCKING POST IVE EVER MADE EVER.

[sharksa-shivers]

Want an idea of the beginning dynamic? Aitey lol

(Early af group chat stuff lol, Kristy still getting used to things…Max just drags her into one and then Sharky after a while lmao)

Kristy: Look, i'm fucking terrified of him okay???

Kristy: How in the hell are you not??? Did you see what happened earlier??? With that fish??? And you're still so set on him being harmless??? THAT WAS HORRIFYING TO WATCH HONESTLY…

Max: Lmao, i never said sharky couldnt be intimidating or scary or anything, he hella fucking can if he reallt wants to

Max: thing is that last bit tho, "wants to" would be your key phrase lol. Sharkys chill as fuck 99% of the time…Also he's a giant puss and would coward the fuck out of doing any of thay shit your so scared of. He memes but hed never get over it mentally if he actually hurt somebody like that lmao

Max: he harmlesssssssss uwu, you juwt don't wanna fuckin listen again

Kristy: IM…ARE YOU SERIOUS????

(~Mr. Darktide Rising~ has been added to the group chat. Welcome!!)

Sharky: Yo

Sharky: ….Oh we're on this shavinksta again? Ok.

Kristy: MAX, WHAT THE FUCJ???????

Max: lol, needa get over it, i ain't lettin ya worm out of friendship that easy

Max: Sharky, tell krista something fuckin cool, legit, like whatever

Kristy: God fucking damnit Max!!!!!!! AND IT'S KRISTY

Sharky: Erghhhhhh, hmmmm…

Sharky:(sends a picture of packaged gel pens)I got some new glitter gel pens, can't wait to use these bad boys on some art.

Sharky:(texts picture of a blue rock)Also got this cool aquamarine rock earlier too. It's my birthstone so that's pretty neat. (March, if you were wondering)

Sharky:(sends bunny gifs and stickers)Also bunnies.🐰Bunnies are cool.🐇 You like bunnies Kristy? Pretty sure everybody does… Kristy: anxiety overwhelming, can't do this, fuck…

(Kristy - Has left the chat)

Sharky: ……..Oh, ok.

Max: Man, don't feel bad, just gotta keep trying…

Sharky: I shouldn't fucking have to keep trying to get some basic fucking respect but whatever…

Sharky: Never mind, fucking hell…Gonna draw, maybe rest. Dunno, just…I need to calm down, fucking hell…

Sharky: Fucking hate myself more and more every damn day…And I never actually fucking do anything to earn that…I haven't ever hurt anybody but everyone fucking hurts me…Sick and tired of it…

Max: Dude, fuck, cmon!!!

Sharky: Nah, i can't like…Handle this right now, i need to lay down, really upset now…Just want alone time…

Sharky: I know you want to fix it and i appreciate it Max but you can't fix everything, you can't. You just can't…And some people are always going to fucking hate me for what i am and i can't change that either…

Sharky: Ffs…So fucking done…

Max: Plz, just wait a minute!!!

Sharky: Anyway, laters, peace…

(~Mr. Darktide Rising~ has left the group chat)

Max: like fuckin hell i wont at least try to fix everything

Max: ……..This ain't over and i ain't deletin shit…Ima keep dragging both of you together until you get along on basic terms, this is fuckin ridiculous as fuck ------------- Yeah, so this is more a starting point lol Kristy at first is ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED of Sharky...And for all the usual reasons... At first Sharky tries to explain and befriend her and whatnot but Kristy is so scared and distrusting of everyone (Probably because she got...yknow, kidnapped and dragged halfway across the world or something, idk lol) She doesn't trust him at all and is constantly thinking the worst of him... So thusssssssssss Sharky starts getting more bitter and pissy and angry towards her because...Well, fuck it. He's tired of being nice to somebody that's constantly throwing shit at him...Which, i do not blame him. (Sharky does have his limits as does...Everyone...) And Max is just like...The awkward middle man that's trying to fix shit because Sharky's his best friend/brother and Kristy's like his new bestie and "wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll we're a team now so you two dumbasses are gonna have to get along to some capacity!!!!" And Max isn't wrong there with the last point either lol... Kristy warms up more to Sharky as she gets more comfortable being in the Campsite and being forced around Sharky and whatnot...It just takes time...And Sharky isn't going to reject somebody who wants to change their mind on him (because he's had to do that a ton of times in his life and...He always wants that circle of close people to get bigger so...) Yeah, yknow lol Also Max is bad at remembering people's names (with Kristy tho, cuz she's being urhhh so bitchy towards the Campsite people who had absolutely nothing to do with her kidnapping and everything, he starts saying the wrong names on purpose cuz it pisses her off lol, that's a beginning joke...) And also also, in case you're wondering: Sharky ate a fish alive in front of em, that's what Kristy was going off about in the beginning bit lol...

[noxiatoxia]

Ep 15 where Hikaru holds Kaoru's hand trembling because he was scared for his safety... that shit fuckin HITS. I love how well Hikaru and Kaoru were able to use their trickster personas to hide the fact that that Wasnt Planned, and how it was silently agreed to do that because anything else would be Too Genuinely Vulnerable.

And how Hikaru is worried too!! How Kaoru has to comfort Hikaru when it really should be the other way around, but Hikaru legit just Cannot handle his own emotions and needs Kaoru to comfort him about his worry. Like!!! Ive been in situations where I've had to comfort somone because they were really worried about me and part of me was a little annoyed, like 'this really should be about me rn', but a much bigger part of me was overwhelmed by the emotions of someone being so worried about me that they Needed to hold my hand to make sure im there and alive and okay. Now I don't think Kaoru was too surprised by Hikarus response given, well, their whole dynamic, but I still like to think its something he secretly likes but knows he shouldnt. Like ofc he doesnt want to get hurt. But like. Idk he cant deny that the very outward worry from someone he loves as much as Hikaru is a bit addicting. So I like to think he hides his injuries from him generally, in part as to not worry Hikaru because he cares about him. But also because he likes his response Too Much. Hope that makes sense lmao

Also as an aside because ive been thinking about it, in episode 16 I love just how much is shown to the audience about the twins dynamic in their tiny interaction where Kaoru follows after Hikaru after his outburst about Arai. Like Kaoru doesnt even really console him, he like. Makes fun of his temper. But his tone of voice is so different than usual, much softer and sincere sounding, at least in the dub. And i just love how they showed that they're very open and honest about their feelings with eachother. Theyre not good communicators (well Hiakru isnt), but they dont have to be with eachother. They just know what the other intends. I also love how Hikaru doesnt redirect his anger to Kaoru, something that would be so easy to do, especially given that he doesnt understand his own emotions. He's just is kinda gruff and open with him. And Kaoru is just as open in that he doesnt agree with Hikarus behavior. But it doesnt come across like a disagreement because they're just. So in sync. Kaoru just wants Hikaru to be better and learn and Hikaru couldnt be actually pissy with him even if he's pissed generally. Idk just those episodes are just so damn good. Episode 16 is a bit hard to watch for me tho, cause of how majorly dickish Hiakru is, which sucks because its one of my favorites

AUGH AGUH IT TRULY IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD...I LOOOOVE Hikaru's overreactions in the show. Being separate from Kaoru, seeing him get hurt, he goes APESHIT. He's so fucking unhealthily codependant it's awesome.......But also, I think it's usually the quick succession or severity of these things. Like, Hikaru CAN be alone as we've seen in episode 16, but I think sudden and forceful separation makes him panic like in ep 21. Same with Kaoru being wounded. I think what scared him the most was how quick it happened, and the fact Kaoru legit could have died or gotten seriously injured if the vase fell on his head. Kaoru seems to be a lot more calm in these situations like in ep 26 where he has every right to fucking panic about Hikaru being flung off of the [REDACTED] bc let's be real....based on the way he fell he should have broke a rib or his neck not his arm. And while Kaoru was super worried obviously he didn't go into panic mode like Hikaru would have. Whether it's simply a better grasp on his emotions (doubtful) or him masking as to not maybe make Hikaru panic more is for debate. I just think it's interesting they both react in their own ways to the other being injured.

That reminds me, I have...2 fics I should prob finish one day about either Hitachiin getting hurt and the other freaking out lol. One is based off that part in ep 26

Now I don't think Kaoru was too surprised by Hikarus response given, well, their whole dynamic, but I still like to think its something he secretly likes but knows he shouldnt. Like ofc he doesnt want to get hurt. But like. Idk he cant deny that the very outward worry from someone he loves as much as Hikaru is a bit addicting. So I like to think he hides his injuries from him generally, in part as to not worry Hikaru because he cares about him. But also because he likes his response Too Much. Hope that makes sense lmao

THIS ^^^^^^^^ I 100% agree. I think considering how unhealthily codependent they are, Kaoru would absolutely get some sort of validation and dopamine over Hikaru worrying about him. It cements to Kaoru that Hikaru still cares, something he worries about a lot. He knows (thinks) they won't be close forever, knows (thinks) that they'll drift apart sometime here, and so getting those reactions from Hikaru is a way of comforting him, by letting him know it's not that time yet and Hikaru still cares.

Like you said, I think Kaoru (unless he was very mentally unwell, which I CAN see in specific settings or instances) wouldn't try to hurt himself or put himself in dangerous situations to get a reaction out of his brother. For the most part he would hide that aspect of himself and by extension any injury he got because he feels really guilty and weird that he gets a sense of euphoria over driving Hikaru up a wall with worry. So it's better to just not engage at all.

ALSO YEAH episode 16 was such a good episode to show case the differences and ways the twins handle individual conflict. I love that scene in the bedroom, showing how the twins can be snappy with each other but you can clearly tell it doesn't mean anything malicious. It's just how they talk, which makes sense. I also really love just....uhhhhghghgh Kaoru. Kaoru who orchestrated a whole date for his brother just to teach him some important life lesson, coming to terms he couldn't teach that to Hikaru himself. Juxtaposed to ep 21 where he's afraid of "losing" HIkaru, there's some bitter irony in the fact it's all Kaoru's own fault Hikaru is as open as he is now, as he directly pushed his brother to be those things, and the fact that even KNOWING he's the reason he still can't let go as he tails his brother around in ep 16, it's so so so fucking good. I think a lot of people forget Kaoru is JUST as emotional as Hikaru, and this episode portrays it well. Kaoru is just very quiet about his emotions, and so his need to always be involved in Hikaru's life, his fear of losing him, translates to, basically, micromanaging and stalking him. Which is Not Healthy and I think a lot of people think just cuz Kaoru doesn't have violent outbursts like Hikaru does that means he's not as emotional which just isn't true at all.

I think it's funny you dislike how much of a petulant brat Hikaru was in that episode. I mean tbf, the show WANTS you to disagree with him because the point of the episode is to teach him that important lesson, but I found it personally hilarious the fact he acted like that. It's very, very Hikaru to get Angry at any emotion and situation you don't understand. I will say tho I do have issues rewatching ep 16 because it is So Much Emotional Baggage for me. I care too much about these paper drawings and so I care Too Much watching the episode.

Also cuz I view the hika/haru stuff in a completely platonic way cuz I think it's better for the story and I know the author and stuff meant for it to be romantic which semi pisses me off. Hikaru could never pull a woman. Don't make me laugh.

However, he SHOULD have gone on an apology date with Arai. That would have been awesome.

[beeejayy]

Crona or Medusa gorgon?

Or if you really want to go out there with it maybe Maka’s mother

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ 😇🧸👻👽💤💝🫂💔🪢👗📓🔪🌟🥇🍫🎭❤️‍🔥💄🖕😺😬😭😶

Okay. I'm doing all of the above. It'll have to be split into multiple posts tho LOL so Crona goes first.

🏳️‍🌈 a sexuality hc- I legit don't know, Crona definitely likes girls tho 👍

🏳️‍⚧️ a gender hc- nonbinary :)))))

😇 a religion/ lack thereof- uhhh even tho I love religious symbolism ESPECIALLY relating to Crona... I really doubt Medusa sat Crona down and was like "okay Crona, open your Bible to page 25-"

🧸 a hc about their childhood- bad. We all know it's bad. I feel like Crona was rarely fed regular food either. The most they'd get WAS the souls they had to get to become a kishin. Also Crona didn't get a bed I don't remember seeing a bed in that room they were always put in.

👻 a hc about what scares them- everything.

🎶 a hc about music- they like rock, loud music but also nice melodies like "a home for flowers (omori soundtrack)" or "his theme (undertale soundtrack)"

👽 a hc about a weird quirk of theirs- they will randomly tick like- spaz out. Yes this is me projecting.

💤 a hc about their sleep- they don't care about sleep. They hate being alone with their thoughts there is rarely peace with sleep. That is until they start having sleep overs with maka..

🦾 a disability hc- Ragnarok. OKAY SORRY ANYWAY I have no idea this fella is full of bodily issues.

💝 a hc about their love language- they will give gifts and when they feel comfortable enough they will just keep saying nice things over and over again :)))

🫂 a friendship hc- I honestly like their potential/actual friendship with every character idk they just need people to be with a found family okay.

💔 an angsty hc- they don't trust any mothers. That sounds stupid but they have mommy issues and anyone filling in a mother role for them makes them uncomfortable at first. They don't know how to handle anyone trying to take care of them because they've never been taken care of. It's better to not know than anything.

🪢a hc about their family- the closest thing they have to a family member besides Medusa is Ragnarok. Honestly I think the two COULD learn to get along. Just like actual siblings they don't like constantly being near eachother. Idk tho I might be wishfully thinking.

📓 a hc about their hobbies- Crona likes to write!!! Poetry!!!! They genuinely do like it!!!

👗 a hc about their clothes- they like to wear what's comfortable. They've worn dresses their whole life it's a comfort.

🔪 a hc related to fighting/violence- they genuinely don't like fighting, they just let Ragnarok take over when they fight.

🌟 a hc about their desires/wishes- Crona just want the black blood gone. It's unrealistic but something ideal

🏅 a hc about what they're best at- FUCKING CONTORTING THEIR BODY MY GODDD

🍫 a hc about food- they like bitter foods. This fella is a dark chocolate lover LMAO

🎭 a hc about what they lie about- probably how Medusa treated them. Just hear me out, they probably don't like the reactions everyone has so they always downplay their childhood. Crona is a bad liar btw.

❤️‍🔥 a romantic hc- they are HORRIBLE at romance. They will work themself up to even TRY holding hands.

💄 an appearance hc- they probably either let their hair grow all out or shave the whole thing. Or both they can do both.

🖕 a hc relating to anger- anything related to their mom, them betraying everyone and something bad happening to Maka can get them kinda mad.

🐱 an animal related hc- they don't like snakes.

😭 a hc about the worst thing that happened to them- they still don't feel like everyone trusts them. They feel uncomfortable around Marie and Stein, it's not their fault Crona just. Feels bad still.

😶 a random hc- they have slightly crooked teeth

Thanks for the ask ^_^

[spicysugar019]

Ok so I need to say this somewhere and idk where else to say it but it feels like I'm getting torn up inside about it.

TW: sexual harassment

So I went to dillons today to get gloves to dye my hair with. I'm a trans man and even though I've been on T for years, that dosent get rid of my double D'S so a lot of people see me as a woman immediately still.

I was getting gloves to dye my hair. On the box it says like "body examination gloves" on it or something, idk, they were gloves for my hair bleach and dye. I was figuring out prices at the self check out cause I didn't figure things out properly in my head and I'm poor so I was figuring out if I had the money for it. I'm very very socially anxious and don't like talking to people I don't know in public especially living in the Bible belt and being a trans man.

This enormous guy like 6"5 who works at dillons comes up and is like "you doing alright mam?"

I can handle this interaction, this is fine. I just reply "Oh yeah im ok, just figuring out pricing." Thinking he'd leave me alone if I used a higher pitched voice.

Another thing to note, I have c-ptsd, so if something triggering happens that my brain deems worthy of memory loss, it can and will easily dump that bit of memory. All I remember him saying next is him looking at what I'm buying, looking up to me with a puzzled look. I said something like "im getting gloves to dye my hair."

He says SOMETHING along the lines of "Oh. Trying to get the carpet to match? Or are you--" and that's where my memory cuts out any audio, he's just looking me up and down and staring at me for too long. I laugh awkwardly. Audio of the memory comes back and he says "supposedly, supposedly, supposedly, haaha" as if the word "supposedly" was gonna fix whatever the fuck he just said that my brain beeped for him. Then he walked away thankfully, I paid and left asap. I had the biggest grin on my face cause in situations like those I just appease everyone around me until I leave. I legit looked like I was fucking beaming like I just found 100$ on the ground. I glanced at him and he was PISSED and seemed upset like embarrassed. I walked out of there and sat in my car and started feeling bad. As if I didn't appease him enough and so I felt bad that he felt embarrassed. For HIS actions. His actions that he SHOULD be embarrassed by. Instead, I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

Why? Why did I feel bad for him that he had said something traumatic to me apparently. I don't remember what he said. It was so bad, that my brain said "you don't need to hear this" and fucking made the whole thing silent. This happened TODAY and I'm upset about it, I shouldn't forget the fucking thing I'm upset about, but it was so fucking upsetting that my brain omitted it from my fucking memory.

And now IM the one sitting up at 1am feeling shitty and like I'm disgusting. For why? Who the fuck knows. I don't even know what he fucking said.

[veins-n-wires]

My emotions keep flipping over and over and over within seconds without a break. I’m so exhausted. Nothing is triggering it. It just won’t stop. Im playing games blasting music existing, then pausing to silent scream cry because my head won’t shut up, to numb staring, to back to games, to my head reliving every trauma, to imagining scenarios, to mentally cutting everyone off, to numb and empty, not being able to hold enjoyment in anything.

I’m tired.

Who can I even tell other than the void? No one will understand. It’ll turn into arguments of some sort of people thinking they did something wrong. It’s me, I’m what’s wrong. Then I’ll just get told to get help which is so much easier said than done. I don’t have a car, a job, health insurance. Online therapy is a scam. I can’t even trust therapists because of their authority over me being able to involuntarily hospitalize so I’m unable to trust them/tell them anything because my brain convinces me they’re against me and my bad experiences. Can’t tell anyone that though because that’s automatically labeled an excuse and I just “don’t want help” and want to “be like this forever”. Idk why I’d complain if I didn’t want anything to do with this. I’d love a medication to fix me, I’d be on it for the rest of my life despite almost all side effects it could give me. I have thought about electroshock therapy and decided if that was ever suggested and said to fix me I’d jump on it. It’s not like I’m not desperate. I just can’t be hospitalized. Friends have gotten irreversibly worse from it. Family has gotten irreversible PTSD damage from it with triggers that don’t even need to be related to hospitals. All I can think about is me disappearing into one and that’s when my elderly cat, my sole reason for continuing to live, dies. All I can think about is her thinking abandoned her in her last little thoughts. I get told that’s an excuse too. I’m too paranoid of things for sure, but none of it is about me being afraid of getting better.

Every month it seems I start searching for legit online therapy again. Legit online testing for various mental health problems so I can finally know what other than depression and anxiety I have, if anything, and how to cope whether it be with medications or whatever else. I try and search for the dumb sites like HERS that will just prescribe me shit. It’s all so expensive or too sketchy. I’m just so tired. I feel so alone in searching. I ask for help but I’m left with “I don’t know” “it’s not my job” “you need to be independent” people don’t even see my face or posts or typing changes and see something is wrong. I hardly hide it anymore. On public socials I repost about how depressed I am. I don’t talk to hardly anyone anymore. I hardly leave my house. I hardly play games with others. You can see how little I listen to music. I don’t post art anymore because I just can’t get myself to do it. There’s endless obvious signs I’m disintegrating as a person and everyone’s just walking by forcing me to beg to look at me disappointed for asking. It feels like no matter how I handle anything I’m in the wrong and a disappointment in some way or another. I’m tired of telling people how to love me and especially tired of them still not doing it.

I am going to be lonely surrounded by people my entire life. My body is giving out. Idk how deeper into feeling tired my body can handle. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have no personality other than every human emotion at 100% every second of everyday so intense that eventually it’s numbing. Like sticking your hand in hot water and getting used to how it feels to where it doesn’t even burn anymore but you know it’s still hurting you.

I’m so tired.

[sunflowerinpearls]

Me to My Spouse:

Thank you for loving me back. Because I havent deserved that for a long time & I truly only give all the fucks about proving everything to you. Everything else will fall into place or it wont. But if I dont have you, that is everything. I love you. All of you.

My Spouse to me:

I love you too.

All of you.

Which is y even when I hate you and the things you say…

It hurts so much more. I know I should be done.

But I just… I keep hoping.

That’s why I understand Shelby [A female he is in love with that her babydaddy has physically abused, in front of their 2 kids, graped her, she just goes back. She left me bcuz "i pushed her away". I was not speaking to her because "i was too much". So idk how i pushed her away if I was not talking to her] and her situation.

It’s so much harder to leave someone that you love so much no matter how they hurt you.

Then I see these glimpses

And I know there is love."

...WHAT. THE. FUCK...

He even made ME dump all of my partners because he couldnt handle it. He wanted me to himself. Now. This?

My text explaining my view to a friend who happens to be a man:

"And why did i marry someone who loves with conditions and hes the one whose cheated over and over and then finally tells me hes actually poly, but it took cheating to figure it out, and hes legit upset that i am monogamous. Is that truly a shock after whst Ive been through? Being abandoned left next to a dumpster to d!3 alone, to attempted h0m!c!d3 for every night of my childhood as far as I can remember, to minimum 20 adults graping me before age ten, to this all happening, to my health severely declining....Abandonment again? Why would I want him to love someone else? Why wouldnt I want the thought of me with someone else to make him f***ing sick? Because it does me after 14 years.

He didnt get turned on like i thought he would when we were having sex and i asked him if he wanted to cum in his pussy that belongs to him and i heard....nothing so basically felt nothing after. Idk.maybe i made a mistake by telling him my Vows. I didnt lie...But at least hes honest when he told his mom not a week after getting married that "its ok we can always just get a divorce if something happens"

Fourteen years.

Three kids.

A home.

A new car.

Why the actual fuck do I bother with anything if this is all its gotten me?

On top of this?

My daughter who is not even 11 years old was put on Anti-Depressants.

Have you ever wanted to just truly give up since you see no reasoning to literally anything youve strived for, your entire life, cuz everything you think is yours is never actually yours but its very clearly fucking everyone elses'?

Yes. Even my own fucking body.

[nathank77]

5/12/24

3:00 a.m Added to/Edited 3:16 a.m

I am trying to listen to music and scroll tumblr to cope with my feelings and my music is loud and the voice is leaving the air conditioner and is all around my head and it feels like its fucking attacking me.

I feel like I'm being followed around by a ghost that attacks me all the time and never leaves me alone. I legit feel like I'm surrounded by this hallucination and I'm trying to find peace and comfort and cope with my trauma bc tumblr and music help and I can't bc apparently the loud music makes my brain go, "oh no Nathan needs to hear this broken audio track, we can let him relax and enjoy the music." It's fucking ridiculous.

The worst part is with the music so loud I can't hear what its saying clearly but instead its sounds like I'm being attacked by all angles, behind my ears, in my ears, behind my head, in my head which I can't fucking handle. I need it fucking externalized. I put it in the air conditioner for a reason, in my head makes me want to blow my brains out. I can hear something trying to shout to get my attention and I want to ignore it and I cant turn it off the harder I try not to hallucinate the more I hallucinate. Even when I don't think about it I hallucinate.

I cant wait until I finally give up and kill myself and my own brain stops fucking attacking me, I legit feel like I'm surrounded. I'm not allowed to have peace. I am not allowed to enjoy anything, I can't blast it out.

I feel like I am surrounded and being fucking attacked. ATTACKED. it's the right word. why won't my stupid broken brain stop fucking traumatizing me and let me fucking heal, we cant heal if you keep fucking attacking me, instead you're just fucking killing me. but keep fucking surrounding me and attacking me why not?

I just want to die. then Kristen will lose her license and I will die happy and high and fucking everything will fade to black.

I feel like my thoughts have been sloppier and like I am going backwards but idk. I prob am just nearing the end and paying attention to things more. all I know is atm I am feeling fucking attacked and I cant cope with my trauma because I am constantly being traumatized.

I have had a lot of flashbacks today to microsleep and when I was delusional as well as to when my hallucination was worse. and now my own brain won't let me listen to music and scroll Tumblr I have to feel attacked. I will never escape this trauma because my own brain will not let me heal. I will never heal because my own brain attacks me, what could have been a relaxing and a healthy coping mechanism is instead my broken brain fucking attacking me and retraumatizing me constantly.

Also I've dissociated a few times recently over the last couple days YAY a new symptom!! without weed of course. and beyond that I have heart palpitations constantly.

just kill me already, its about damn time and there is no way they won't take her license when they find out the client killed himself. They will know it was my final words before I couldn't live like this any longer. One of the very last things I did before I decided to take my own life.

[c03xistentw01]

yo

ayo i goooootta write i gootata write.

Its kinda embarrassing now idk what to say. so today when it was raining and i was walking in portello towards mensa with michele and we were both under the same umbrella guess whom i saw yes ofc the one i always see alone when im with michele: Giorgio. He always has this worried/upset look that I think stems from a lack of friends to hang out with on a saturday night. He seems quite harmless tho. anyway.

during lunch michele kept asking me about traditional ways of eating/dining in iran. he was like so do u guys have actual traditional meals i was like yea there are like stews with rice. he was like so is it just that? how about desserts? how about drinking coffee after/before meal? how about aperitivo before a meal? what are the products that we here in italy imported from "your country"? at some point he was like so yea this one time i was out i had this saffronish dessert with some marmelatta on top of it or he also said one time (or maybe some time when he goes out for eating) he might order some pasta and idk tbh? i lowkey felt like after the dessert thing he kinda expected me to be like so yea btw where was that one place to went to for the saffronish dessert? and he would like oh yea it was xxx i be like oh damn fr? he be like yea fr if u want we can go together once and and and andd....wow. people are actually patient with what they want? like are we sure that they exist? [yes. u just saw one today.] so like.....people don't just give u a poem they wrote for u 2 weeks ago on the first time of hanging out? like oh bro fr? deymn brother.

i miss you. ehem ehem.

anyway. i went to the lab afterwards. but no.

before that i went to math and it was a rainy day. at the entrance i saw soldier looking at his broken umbrella with so much confusion. swinging the bare empty handle in the air. all accompanied with so much confusion. the whole time i was looking at him i was about to throw up cuz he so damn adorable its unbelievable.

after that i went to lab and after making myself promise that when stefano was like yes for the meeting "absolutely" I'll be there today in the lab, it means that he would "absolutely" be there so imma wait until as late as it can get just to get answers. and i did and i was blessed with his emergence. he had his umbrella or hat or sth in his hand. he said "hiiii" with a really lovely tone tbfr and was like "i put this (pointed at this hat/umbrella) for a second then I'll come back" and he legit did come back in a second. he came and sat next to me and bro has zero notion of personal distance (which ehem ehem tbfr? kinda um? kinda um felt kinda um? NoIcEEEehemhehmhem?) anyway bro legit came sit like a hurricane and got too close his legs were touching mine and imagine me who's always overwhelmed over simple fucking existence of mere beings, was trying to run the fucking tiago shit. which i did in the end. tbr at first i tried to move away my legs away a bit because i was like maybe he did it cuz he dont have enough space left so i did it move my legs away but my BRO IT DID NOT WORK? so then i thought ok maybe if i continue doing it he be thinking this one lil weirdo is doing wtf? so i stopped and tried to focus on the tiago shit. i dont remember much more. he was like ok do this do that he gave me the big image of my thesis once more in detail and then said something like that what u achieved until now with moving the whole robot and shit is good and all dont panic and all u aint no behind my child. and was like the lil reports u send every now and then are good keep doing those they will come in hand when u wanna write the thesis itself. and bro. when we were talking while seated, i felt weird about his head. like his head and hands looked way bigger when up close. and also eyes ehem eheme ehemehere. i couldn't tell whether they green or brown or hazel.

yea that was it. lowkey intense. u can use that as the starting point for a future hentai plot.

also on the way out i almost bumped into daniel (fusaro). he said oh scusa...ciao!!! (cuz he saw me leaving) i said ciao but then i saw him bumping into the open window and dropping his notebook on the floor i turned back and was looking at him he said a posto i smiled he left. u know what i like? the fact that he felt the need to reassure me that it/he era a posto. man how much i liked that.

[update]: HELP. my virgin-ass has not been having it AT ALL OK? I can so NOT pretend like I did not get turned on. ok? I've legit had 4 0rga3mz in the last 36 hours and I'm just...helpless. I was trying my best not to google you. AND not to daydream which i successfully FAILED at both. so apparently u were doing your [continuous?] master's at Polimi from 2011 until 2017 so that makes you 31/2ish? you went to EPFL and ETH Zurich ... oh fuck it. i just learned on my intensive Facebook cyberstalking journey that you are in a relationship (and seem to have been since around 2011ish?) and tomorrow when i regain my emotional strength I'll get back here (i go die slowly, thinking of how you were playing table tennis naked).

anyway. what i mainly wanted to say is that the fact that you were so comfortable being physically close to me stems from (as a result of at least 48 hours of intensive deep analytical-hierarchical reasoning) the fact that you are so highly sure of YOURSELF that it can not possibly even BEGIN TO MEAN anything to you. While me, on the other hand, was so acutely unsure of myself that i kept keeping my distance. but hey, it could be worse. I will still have (hopefully) such small physical interactions that well, as we all know by now, can not mean shit to you and to me, they have the full potential to brighten up even just a bit, this current doom and gloom era of my life. I think I do feel privileged to entitle myself to seek (not desperately) this occasional pleasure. To not essentially feel the closeness, but to notice myself enjoying the satisfaction of adoring you under the hood. [update]: I was so sad a while back i wanted to be shredded to pieces and vanish into thin air. I wanna let go of fear so bad but the more you try to run away from it the more it catches you instead. Ethical or fucking not, we are declared fully free to think whatever thought we want right? This weekend I felt loved and thrilled to the core. I felt loved because I felt like I could simulate what it could be like to receive it from you. I kept tweaking the parameters in my head to align my imagination with the "most probable" scenario. It was an oscillatory stochastic process but it was worth it, i enjoyed the short ride, with "you". The memories of the brief frenzy still smoothens my ever-shaky soul, puts it at ease. oh man. how many times did i imagine kissing you or nervously running my fingers on your neck grabbing your waste and feeling my legs between yours but above all, how many times did I try to make myself feel "accepted" by you? enough times i bet. no matter how free we appear to be in our own "mind castles", I was still way too unsure to give in to my vulnerabilities with you. Although I did not deprive myself from feeling like I'm a kite being flown by you. Keep flying me don't let go of the leash can't get enough of the height or the wind or the view oh the view for sure most of all . .

... scusa ma ho troppo sonno ok

[chernayawidow]

I feel the need to start this off by saying that YOU GAVE ME A WHOLE ASS HEART ATTACK! I legit felt like a terrible person for forgetting about fathers day, but it turns out that the US fathers day is different from Australia's. Ours is in September 😭 ANYWAY ONTO THE MAIN COURSE!

“Where is she?” Ben asked, once he and Frank were loaded in the car. — We love a man who has his priorities straight!

Frank was already on his way up to you, but it would take him time with Vought security crawling all over them. — Daddy Frank is coming to save us and punish that asshat Jon WOOH!! (catch the reference?) 😏

He wanted to know for sure what lied underneath it, if it was actually the Noir he knew. Or if it was something else entirely. — AHHHH is this the moment of truth? Lmao NOPE! You just love tormenting all of us readers don’t you. DON’T YOU? 🥺 

But Noir twisted with superior reflexes and flipped Ben hard over his shoulder. In the process, he ripped off Ben’s helmet. His brown hair hung over his brows as he pushed to his feet, deliberately taking his time. — This chapter is mixing together a cocktail of anxiety and anticipation within me! Ben’s new power aside, he and, what I can only assume is a faux Noir, are feeling very evenly matched. ‘Checkerboard’ is the only thing giving me comfort, otherwise I wouldn’t put it past you to give me more heartache then I can handle and have SB not save her from Jon the Jackass in time 🥺 That’s my only comfort in this.

He heard you on the floor above. And you were fighting someone. — That’s good, it means she’s not unconscious, nor is she being shipped off to some unknown location! She’s a badass and I firmly believe she’s gonna kick the shit out of that useless father of hers!

His insides felt molten when the power collected, and finally released at his target. — That feels like such an interesting but accurate take on his powers. Because I honestly can’t imagine that it would feel anything less than this.

Noir covered himself at the last moment with a piece of fallen debris (a half-crumbled wall), but it only created a small buffer. The force of the blast itself pushed him down the hall and through the side of the building. — Damn, does that mean he would still have his powers? He’s a slinky motherfucker, that’s for sure.

You were battered, with blood dribbling down the corner of your mouth from a particularly bad hit. You were still standing though. — THAT’S OUR GIRL! YES YES YES WE LOVE TO SEE IT! When I read that last sentence my mind instantly started playing ‘I’m Still Standing”.

“You’ve gotten soft,” Jon remarked. — Excuse you Jon, but I don’t recall anyone saying that you could open your stupid ass mouth with your irrelevant and FALSE words. Why don’t you sit your bitchass down and light yourself on fire or something idk, GO WALK ON SOME LEGOS!

“I gave you time to come around, and this is what you did with it,” he said, shaking his head. “Disappointing.” — LISTEN HERE JON YOU DIPSHIT, THE ONLY DISAPPOINTING THING IS THAT MY FOOT ISN’T UP YOUR ASS! LEAVE MY POOKIE ALONE, SHE’S A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL WHO NEEDS TO BE LOVED!

He squeezed with enough pressure that it wouldn’t crush your windpipe, but it was sure to knock you out eventually. You slapped and clawed at his hand, but he only shushed you. — SURELY FRANK OR BEN ARE GONNA SWOOP IN RIGHT ABOUT NOW? SURELY! SOMEBODY SAVE HER OH GOD!

Tears leaked from your eyes when you looked up and found Ben. His helmet was missing, and he wore a furious, steely frown. — OH FUCK YES THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT! The amount of RELIEF I felt when the grip on her throat disappeared, and I wasn’t sure if it was Frank or Ben but I’m SO GLAD THAT IT’S BEN! Because now it’s another positive memory she get’s to keep in the bank of emotional conflict!

To your surprise, he tucked his shield on his back and bent down to scoop you up into his arms. You cringed, uttering an agonized sound when he tried to move you. Ben hesitated. Looking down at you, some of his anger drained. He made a slower ascent as he straightened to his full height. — Oh gosh he’s so gentle with her that it melts my heart. He’s probably thinking ‘this wouldn’t have happened if you were on V’ or something like that. What’s the bet he’ll bring it up sometime down the track as a point for why she should be on V 🤣

“What are you, some kind of hero?” you managed to quip, offering a small smile. Ben glanced down at you, and gradually smirked. “Something like that.” — Oh god my heart is a puddle of adoration for these two at this point 🥺 I adore their dynamic so so much!

“Hold on,” he murmured. His lips briefly pressed to the crown of your head. “We’re getting the fuck outta here.” Your eyes closed at the tender touch, and a few more tears spilled down your cheeks. — IT CAN GET BETTER! YOU SOMEHOW MADE THIS MOMENT EVEN MORE PERFECT AHHH! That little head kiss is AMAZING and it feels so beautifully placed! This little moment is surely going to plague her, how tender and attentive he can be towards her. The little things that he does to show that he cares.

“Just relax,” he said, a deep rumble. But there was a soothing note to it, you thought. Or maybe, you just liked the sound of his voice. — Honestly probably a bit of both. I wholeheartedly believe that he has a desire to soothe her, and I also believe that his voice in general is something that she’s starting to find comfort in (at least when he’s not being a dick lmao). I feel like moments like these are when she takes a certain solace in how tender he is capable of being.

“Get her out of here,” Ben ordered. With a nod, Frank carried you back the way he came, towards the staircase. You tried to peer over his shoulder. “He shouldn’t face Noir alone,” you said, even though every breath was a challenge with the sharp pain in your chest. — HOW DO YOU DO THAT? With your writing, even the smallest things make me want to tear up because everything you write feels intentional and purposeful.

It was ice cold. So frigid that it extinguished the heat that had been building in his chest, but it wasn’t diffusing his power completely…it just made it even harder to control. — wait wHAT? Holy shit YOU’VE JUST THROWN ME OFF BALANCE AGAIN! How many twists can you possibly throw at me? And even though you’ve pulled so many, I STILL NEVER SEE THEM COMING! HOLY SHIT YOU’RE AN AMAZING WRITER!

“We can up the dose, put you to sleep indefinitely,” Stan replied. — I can’t imagine what that sentence would make Ben feel. If I were him, I would probably have a panic attack because holy shit that would be terrifying. Especially because of his extended lifespan.

“Until he isn’t,” Ben snarked. If he thought about it, that was something you would say. Maybe your penchant for smart-ass remarks had gotten into his head. — Awww they’re both rubbing off on each other. I love these subtle details!

“It was a breakthrough project. Temporarily destabilizes the energy you generate when you charge up like a Power Puff Girl.” Stan thought for a moment, then inclined his head. “A reference, I realize, which may be lost on you.” — LMAOOOOO! YOU SAW THE OPPORTUNITY AND YOU TOOK IT! This is why I love you, you never fail to make me laugh! 🤣

Stan stepped back and revealed the cell right across the hall. Through the window, Ben could see you, lying unconscious on a shitty cot in similar gray pajamas. His brows crunched as he narrowed his eyes, trying to peer in closer. You looked like you’d been bandaged up, at least. — I mean… at least they’re together?

But you softened when you found Ben through the large glass window, in a cell of his own. He was sitting on his bed, arms crossed, with his back against the wall. His eyes found yours, and his lips twitched. “Hey, sweetheart.” — THE DETAIL! YOU NEVER MISS A SINGLE DETAIL! The way she softened and how his lips twitched, those are such small things but they feel like so much more then that!

“Go slow,” he warned. “Bet you’re missing that Temp. V right about now.” — There it is 🤣

You were stubborn about waiting on Ben, even considered going back for him. — My brain is malfunctioning omg we are getting FED! You are absolutely NOURISHING ME WITH THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT! In spite of her own safety, she held out for an indestructible man. She truely does care about him and we all know it.

That was when the shot rang out, hitting Frank point blank in the chest. — NO WAIT WHAT! You had to know that this would give me emotional whiplash, you HAD to know. You killed Daddy Frank, how could you? This right here punched me in the THROAT! Even though he was her captor, he was a better father figure to her than Jon ever was. And the guilt that this is going to leave her with will kill me.

Because if he fell asleep now, there was no telling when he’d wake up. And fuck if Ben would ever admit to the panic he felt welling up into his chest. — I knew you would touch on these feelings, I can always count on you giving us a glimpse into his head and you never disappoint. I couldn’t ever begin to image the distress that he would be feeling about this. For all he knows, he could wake up after the duration of a whole average lifespan. He could wake up to a world where she’s already dead and buried.

“Tickle its balls,” Ben said. Your answering snort deepened his smile into a smirk. — We can always count on Ben to make things dirty 🤣

Ben rested a hand on his chest, but when his mirth died down, he realized just how tired he was. Still, he wasn’t ready to let go of this. His connection with you tethered him to reality, even if reality sucked dick right now. — This moment that they’re having together feels like a very important milestone in their relationship development, the way he’s acknowledging her as his tether to reality feels crucial. My heart aches for him, especially if he’s considered the possibility that if he falls asleep, then he might never see her again, even when he wakes up.

Every extended note was painful, but it was worth it to see his face relax. — This is such a beautiful moment in spite of the circumstances, and now I’m so so anxious for what’s going to happen next.

“Tell Maintenance to cut the water, and then a section of the pipes.” — Oh god, and the punches keep coming!

HELL YEAH, ANOTHER FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC UPDATE ON ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SERIES!! First of all, allow me to say that you absolutely ATE THIS UP as per usual! SO THAT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN! So much happened, and I can’t believe you killed Frank. That one hurt! 😭 But I at least feel fed and nourished with the moments that Ben and reader shared. It really does feel like their bond has gone to the next level. Their little back and forth of bad jokes, and those moments of concern for the others wellbeing. The way she put herself at risk for him, knowing that she was on deaths door and he's pretty much indestructible? I’m so excited to see what you’ve got planned for them next! 🫶💖

Love footage of me trying to process everything:

Break Me Down - Part 11

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x Female Reader

Summary: You’re a private investigator by trade, but now you happily sit at a desk — leading a surveillance team at Supe Affairs. After managing to end Homelander in New York, Soldier Boy escapes custody. You are recruited for the manhunt, joining Butcher’s team.

Truly, you joined the S.A. for the right reasons. But after you become his accidental hostage, Soldier Boy will break down every single one of them… [18+ only! Rated M]

**Start from the beginning: Prologue

AN: Happy Father's Day and early Juneteenth! In honor of the holiday weekend, here's an early chapter update. 😘

Word Count: 4,000 Tags/Warnings: Violence and peril, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Part 11: The Lion’s Den

“Where is she?” Ben asked, once he and Frank were loaded in the car. 

Loco and his team had to stay behind as their distraction for escape. If they weren’t slaughtered, they’d be taken into custody. 

Ben knew he could’ve wasted all of them, Butcher, his team, the CIA, but the nuclear power in his chest had refused to cooperate…

Anyway, Black Noir hadn’t been there. So it was all the more useless to stick around. The real plan was with you, and he was very surprised that you’d stuck to it…but maybe he shouldn’t have been.

“She was brought to the Tower,” Frank informed him.

Ben smirked. “Good. But pretty fucking stupid of Stan to stick around there when he knew I’d be coming.”

He looked over and noticed Frank’s frown as he drove. 

“Unless he’s not at the Tower,” Frank said. 

Ben’s smirk fell. Why would that prick take her there if…

“We have to be open to the possibility that his Chief of Security is taking the matter of his daughter into his own hands,” Frank said. “Or she’s improvising.”

Ben frowned. 

That didn’t change when they arrived at the Tower, and attempted to use the entrance through the back garage to avoid attention. But it didn’t matter. 

The entire squad of Vought security, included what looked like some added muscle (hopped up on what smelled like V24), met them when they reached the lobby of the building. Now that the Seven had been disbanded, there was no pretense of “good guys vs. bad guys.” It was just defense and siege. 

And in front of them all was Black Noir. 

“There you are,” Ben said, but the other supe didn’t even tilt his head in greeting. He was a still statue, an attack dog given a single mission. 

When Noir surged forward, Ben ran to meet him. It was a clash of blade to shield, fist to fist, grappling and reflexes that only Compound V could endow. The match tore through the lobby, then up the large staircase as Ben continued to fight his way up to Stan’s office. 

Frank was already on his way up to you, but it would take him time with Vought security crawling all over them. He was good, and temporarily a supe, but he was still just one man. 

Meanwhile, Ben and Noir’s fight spilled into the upper floors, through walls and offices and screaming employees trying to get out of their way. 

Once they reached near the floor below Stan’s office, Ben got an arm around Black Noir’s neck, and with his free hand tried to unmask him. He wanted to know for sure what lied underneath it, if it was actually the Noir he knew. Or if it was something else entirely.

But Noir twisted with superior reflexes and flipped Ben hard over his shoulder. In the process, he ripped off Ben’s helmet. His brown hair hung over his brows as he pushed to his feet, deliberately taking his time.

When he turned, Noir was standing there with the helmet crunched in his hand. Rolling his neck, Ben prepared to jump back into the fight, but a new sound reached his ears. 

He heard you on the floor above. And you were fighting someone…

Ben pressed a finger to the comm in his ear. 

“Frank, you got eyes on her?”

V24 had endowed the man with x-ray vision. A moment later, Frank patched through while he struggled and fought.

“She needs help,” he said gravely.

Ben took his hand off the comm, gritting his teeth. Black Noir was still waiting on him, attuned to Ben’s every move as the other supe brandished one of his blades.

Shit, Ben thought. He needed to end this. 

Right fucking now. 

That resolve helped him take a deep breath, then summon the energy inside him. He focused with the aim of blasting a clean stream of power at Black Noir; not enough to take out the whole building, but enough to take out just him.

His insides felt molten when the power collected, and finally released at his target.

Noir covered himself at the last moment with a piece of fallen debris (a half-crumbled wall), but it only created a small buffer. The force of the blast itself pushed him down the hall and through the side of the building.

Meanwhile, you were holding your own…but you were also getting beat to hell. 

You were battered, with blood dribbling down the corner of your mouth from a particularly bad hit. 

You were still standing though. 

“You’ve gotten soft,” Jon remarked. He’d broken a sweat, had some bruises, and was panting for breath just like you. But he was more in control as he swatted a well-aimed, yet ultimately weak fist as your strength waned. He used his own to smack you down again. 

“I gave you time to come around, and this is what you did with it,” he said, shaking his head. “Disappointing.” 

When you tried to stand on shaking legs, he kicked you in the dead center of your chest. You felt your ribs crack as you fell back into the glass coffee table. 

You gasped for breath, turning onto your side as glass pricked at your back, your sides, your arm. You coughed, wincing at the agony of knife-like pain near your lungs. Blood flecked from your mouth onto your arm, and for a moment, you stared at it in a daze.

But then Jon was above you. You tried to swipe at his face, but he bat your hand away, his brows furrowed angrily. He turned you back onto your back and wrapped a hand around your neck. Your eyes flew wide with panic. 

He squeezed with enough pressure that it wouldn’t crush your windpipe, but it was sure to knock you out eventually. You slapped and clawed at his hand, but he only shushed you. 

“What you need now is what you’ve always needed. A firm hand,” he said. “But I’m going to help you. I promise, I will.”

The fight drained out of you as it became impossible to breathe, and harder still to block out his words from entering your brain. 

But then, the vice around your throat was gone. Oxygen poured back into your lungs as you gasped, then coughed again when your fractured ribs protested. 

Your eyelids fluttered open in time to see your father thrown hard into the far wall. You heard the sick crack and breaking of bone as he landed.

Still, you struggled to breathe. 

Tears leaked from your eyes when you looked up and found Ben. His helmet was missing, and he wore a furious, steely frown. You opened your mouth, but nothing came out except for more coughing, and more blood.

To your surprise, he tucked his shield on his back and bent down to scoop you up into his arms. 

You cringed, uttering an agonized sound when he tried to move you. 

Ben hesitated. Looking down at you, some of his anger drained. He made a slower ascent as he straightened to his full height. 

And without a word, he carried you out of the room and down the ruined hallway. All the while, you stared at the side of his face. His jaw was still clenched, his brows knitted, his eyes set dead ahead. 

You wondered why he had to wait for moments like this to show you who he truly was. 

“What are you, some kind of hero?” you managed to quip, offering a small smile. 

Ben glanced down at you, and gradually smirked. “Something like that.” 

When his foot slipped on a piece of debris, he righted himself quick. But the jerking movement jostled you, eliciting another pained whimper. Your hand gripped at his chest, digging into the grooves of his suit.

“Hold on,” he murmured. His lips briefly pressed to the crown of your head. “We’re getting the fuck outta here.”

Your eyes closed at the tender touch, and a few more tears spilled down your cheeks.

“He…knew,” you managed to say. “Knew I was lying.”

“I know,” said Ben. “I should’ve fucking known better.”

You marveled at that near apology. Your lips trembled as you rested your head against his chest. You just couldn’t help it anymore.

“Was my idea,” you admitted.

“Yeah, well, evidently not all your ideas are aces,” he said. 

You could’ve gotten angry, but you saw the way he moved with care, trying not to slip again for your sake. You tried at a smile. 

“Guess not,” you said, though you bit your lip at the pain that seemed to radiate through your entire body. Ben seemed to notice. 

“Just relax,” he said, a deep rumble. But there was a soothing note to it, you thought. Or maybe, you just liked the sound of his voice. 

Then silence fell between the two of you, both comfortable and tense as Ben focused on potential threats in his surroundings. 

All the while, you continued to rest your eyes. Instead of your pain, you tried to concentrate on his steady heartbeat beneath your cheek.

“It’s about fucking time,” you eventually heard Ben grouse. 

You opened your eyes and were relieved to see Frank exiting the stairwell to meet you and Ben. His face and black tactical gear were splattered with blood, but he looked fine, more or less. His gaze roamed over you with his usual stoicism, but you thought you saw a glint of concern.   

“I take it Stan Edgar isn’t here,” said Frank. 

“You could fucking say that,” Ben snarked. “Let’s just get the hell out of here.”

“Sir.” Frank saw something ahead, behind you. Ben turned to find Black Noir silently standing in the middle of the hall, with a large, suspicious-looking gun in his hands.

Without taking his eyes off Noir, Ben gestured to Frank. He came up beside you, and Ben passed you into Frank’s arms.

“Get her out of here,” Ben ordered. With a nod, Frank carried you back the way he came, towards the staircase. You tried to peer over his shoulder.

“He shouldn’t face Noir alone,” you said, even though every breath was a challenge with the sharp pain in your chest. 

“He’ll meet us after,” Frank told you. But as soon as he started down the stairs, a fresh team of Vought security and police came to meet you.

Meanwhile, Ben stared down the hall at his opponent. Black Noir activated the strange gun, which lit up with a blue energy. 

“You can bring out any kind of fancy artillery you want, but it’s not going to stop me from killing you,” Ben taunted.

Noir remained silent, of course, but he aimed the gun and fired. It shot a potent, crystal blue beam of energy that ate through Ben’s shield, and eventually hit him in the chest before he could finish revving up his own power. The blast from the gun, it wasn’t hot. 

It was ice cold. So frigid that it extinguished the heat that had been building in his chest, but it wasn’t diffusing his power completely…it just made it even harder to control. 

And the resulting backlash was overwhelming.

Ben woke slowly, like wading through molasses. Usually his mind was sharp, even when he woke from a booze-induced coma. Now he felt groggy, and it was hard to focus or even force his body to sit up on the hard cot he was laying on.

Glancing down, he realized he’d been changed out of his suit. He was dressed in a plain gray shirt and matching pants, no shoes. He knew a prison outfit when he saw one, just as he now knew where he was: a white padded cell. 

Fuck.

At least it was better than a frigid coffin…but in his mind, not by much.

He slid his legs over and managed to push up onto his feet. 

Why’s it so fucking misty in here? he thought, waving his hand through the smokey air. And why was he so tired?

He soon got his answer when he realized who stood at the large window at the front of his cell. 

Stan Edgar. 

The man himself, dressed in a well-tailored navy suit, was watching him with crossed arms. 

“We did hope you would remain on sabbatical,” said Stan. “But I had a feeling you would return, and come directly to us.”

Stan gestured to the large cell. “This was our contingency plan.”

Ben made his way, with difficulty, closer to Stan, who pointed at the air vents above that were pumping in a gas of some kind.

“A light mist of Novichok,” Stan explained. “Enough to keep you docile.”

“And if I’m not?” Ben asked. His voice was edged with grit, and the promise of retribution. 

“We can up the dose, put you to sleep indefinitely,” Stan replied. “But you have my attention. What would you like to discuss?” 

“The conversation I planned on having was…a little different,” Ben said darkly. “But first, let’s start with what you used to clone Black Noir.”

“I suppose there’s no real harm in telling you,” Stan said. Even his voice was grating on Ben’s ears, the smug prick. 

“We kept some of Homelander’s blood as an insurance policy. But, we’ve learned from our mistakes.”

“Right,” Ben scoffed. “How’s that?”

“This Noir is not a carbon copy, but nor is he a megalomaniac. He’s under our control,” Stan said.

“Until he isn’t,” Ben snarked. If he thought about it, that was something you would say. Maybe your penchant for smart-ass remarks had gotten into his head.

“And that new gun?” he asked. “Don’t tell me your little lab rats put that together just for me.”

Stan’s lips made a wry turn. 

“It was a breakthrough project. Temporarily destabilizes the energy you generate when you charge up like a Power Puff Girl.” Stan thought for a moment, then inclined his head. “A reference, I realize, which may be lost on you.”

“So what’s the play here?” Ben said. He was getting impatient. “You know, when I break out, things aren’t gonna be pretty.” 

Stan didn’t seem bothered by the clear threat. 

“In the meantime,” he said, “you won’t be alone.” 

Stan stepped back and revealed the cell right across the hall. Through the window, Ben could see you, lying unconscious on a shitty cot in similar gray pajamas. His brows crunched as he narrowed his eyes, trying to peer in closer. You looked like you’d been bandaged up, at least.

“You also managed to put my Chief of Security in Intensive Care, but his daughter should be fine…if a bit worse for wear,” Stan informed him. 

Ben glared back, his lips curling. Sloppy of him. He should’ve made sure that bastard was dead. 

“That’s cute, considering he’s the demented fuck who beat her to hell,” Ben said. 

Stan rose a solitary brow. “And at whose behest did she enter the lion’s den?”  

Ben had nothing to say to that.

You woke with a pained groan before your eyes even opened. Your body felt like a walking welt. 

Your brain pounded like bongo drums, your chest felt tender with every infinitesimal movement, but you realized that you’d been seen to medically, at least. Your head was bandaged, and you felt that the blood had been wiped from your face and arms.

You looked up and found, with a sigh, that you were indeed in a cell. But you softened when you found Ben through the large glass window, in a cell of his own. He was sitting on his bed, arms crossed, with his back against the wall. His eyes found yours, and his lips twitched.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

He sounded off. Tired, you thought. And you noticed a steady mist being piped into his room. 

Shit. Novichok, you surmised with a frown.

“You okay?” you asked. 

Ben chuckled a little. “You’re the one who looks like hell.”

“Why, thank you,” you replied wryly.

There was a pitcher and a cup of water on a tray, a small paper cup of what you assumed were painkillers, and an ice pack next to you on the cot. 

You hesitated on the pills, but in light of your incredible pain, you had no choice. You took the pills, drank the water, and grabbed the ice pack, pressing it against your sternum. You sat up all the way with a slow gait and a pained groan.

“Go slow,” he warned. “Bet you’re missing that Temp. V right about now.”

You rolled your eyes at him. 

“How’d you get caught?” he asked.

That succeeded in dimming your mood. You explained that Frank had been forced to set you on your feet when you were confronted by more security and a police squad. 

The man had been a one-man weapon; hopped up on V24 as he was, he managed to fight his way down to the garage, where you slowly, painfully crept down there.

You and Frank had almost reached his car, but you held him back. You were stubborn about waiting on Ben, even considered going back for him.

That was when the shot rang out, hitting Frank point blank in the chest. 

Before you could even bend to help him, you were taken, dragged back into the building, and knocked out before you could take your captor’s gun. 

You tried in vain to wipe away fresh tears while you retold the story. 

Bottom line: Frank’s death was your fault. Though while he frowned in disappointment, Ben didn’t seem to hold it against you.

“Good on ya, Frank,” Ben murmured. “You went down fucking swingin’.”

“What about you? What happened with Black Noir?” you asked after a moment. Sniffling, you met Ben’s eyes.

He eventually told you about the strange gun Vought had commissioned just for him. And the more you listened, the deeper your frown became. It sounded impossible.

“Makes you wonder what else they’ve been cooking up in that lab,” you muttered. 

“Other than Noir?” Ben quipped. He told you about that too. 

“We can figure this out,” you said. “If nothing else, my team, the CIA, they’re looking for both of us…if for different reasons.”

Ben scoffed at that. “A silver lining there. Make no mistake, we’re getting the fuck out of here. Just…need a minute to think.” 

But he was starting to wane. It was taking all his energy to concentrate on your voice, to even keep his eyes open. The steady stream of gas being pumped into his cell made it damn near impossible, and it was frustrating beyond belief. 

Because if he fell asleep now, there was no telling when he’d wake up. And fuck if Ben would ever admit to the panic he felt welling up into his chest.

“Aaah, fuck!” he growled, pounding a fist against the wall.

You noticed, biting your lip in concern…until an idea made you smile. It was something you used to do to distract your sister when she was little. 

“Why are colds bad criminals?” you asked. 

Ben just blinked at you. “What?”

He asked not because he understood what you were doing, but because he was genuinely confused.

“Because they’re easy to catch,” you said, making a drumming motion with your hands. “Buddum-ch.”

Your neighbor just stared back at you, unimpressed.

“Okay, not a fan of that one. Let me see…okay,” you raised a finger. “What does a baby computer call its father?”

Ben’s eyes narrowed, like he couldn’t tell if you were serious.

“Data!” you said, biting your lip at an embarrassed smile. It curved Ben’s lips, but he was stubborn.

“Why was 6 afraid of 7?” you asked. 

“Jesus Christ, enough…” he muttered. 

“Because 7’s a dick, that’s why,” you said. And your straight face lasted for all of three seconds before you ended up giggling. It hurt your bruised body, but it lightened you to see the reluctant smile tug its way onto Ben’s face. 

“All right,” he said at last. He briefly closed his eyes, trying to remember a joke he’d heard Loco tell. “How do you make a pool table laugh?”

You smiled. “How?”

“Tickle its balls,” Ben said. Your answering snort deepened his smile into a smirk. 

“Playing bridge is just like sex,” you said. Ben shook his head. His grandmother used to play fucking bridge.  

But regardless, he took the bait.

“How’s that?”

“If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand,” you said with a smirk. 

Ben made a sound of amusement, though it wasn’t quite a laugh. You traded these back and forth, each trying to make the other crack with progressively dirtier jokes (though you suspected Ben was just trying to disgust you). 

You considered yourself the winner when Ben finally chortled a deep, belly laugh that showed his charming smile. 

It made you smile in return. 

Ben rested a hand on his chest, but when his mirth died down, he realized just how tired he was. Still, he wasn’t ready to let go of this. His connection with you tethered him to reality, even if reality sucked dick right now.

His gaze met yours. “Why don’t you sing something, crooner?” 

You bit your lip once again. “Like what?” 

Ben’s eyes closed.

“You know the one,” he said. A softer smile graced your lips, though he couldn’t see it. 

“You’re getting sentimental in your old age,” you teased. He chuckled. 

“Just sing, for fuck’s sake.” 

His brows were knitted, like he was trying all he could to stay awake. You took pity on him.

“If I didn’t care, more than words can say…” you began to sing softly. “If I didn’t care…would I feel this way?”

Every extended note was painful, but it was worth it to see his face relax.  

Stan Edgar’s lips pursed, and he set down his cell phone on his desk. Victoria was screening his calls.

Disappointing, he thought, but not unexpected. He surveyed the cleanup crew wiping up debris, glass, and blood from the lounge area with a dispassionate gaze. 

This was going to take a while.

So after drumming his fingers on the mahogany surface, Stan decided to push up from his desk and head downstairs via the elevator. It took him all the way down to Level 0, the home of one of Vought’s most secure R&D labs. 

There his most trusted scientist, Dr. Tonya Baker, was at the helm with her team at work on various projects. Most of which were not sanctioned by the government. 

Stan folded his hands behind his back and reached her side, and she set down a beaker filled with a green, buzzing liquid. 

“Good afternoon, sir,” she greeted. 

“Tonya, you know what I’m about to ask,” he said. She bobbed her head and turned to face him in her rolling desk chair. 

“We’re still working on solutions. Without his cooperation, safely extracting Soldier Boy’s DNA is a tricky thing,” she said. 

“You don’t say?” Stan said dryly. “What are our options?”

“Well, needles will only break, as you know,” said Dr. Baker. “The scientists in Russia found that only Soldier Boy is strong enough to break his own skin.”

“And I doubt he’ll open a vein for us,” Stan said, “even if we threaten to put him to sleep.” 

He didn’t even think leveraging with the girl would aid, more than complicate their goals. While it was something to consider, Stan would rather find the path of least resistance here. Soldier Boy was…volatile at best. 

“How much of Homelander’s blood remains?” he asked. 

“None,” the doctor replied. “We used the last of it to clone Black Noir. And a hair sample is not enough to create additional subjects…at the very least, a urine sample. Even Dr. Vogelbaum managed that.”

Stan sent her shrewd look. If only he still had Dr. Vogelbaum in his employ. If only the man were still alive.

What a waste of a talented, resourceful man.

“That will be a problem,” Stan said. 

“Not necessarily.” Dr. Baker adjusted a monitor screen at her desk. It displayed the feed from Soldier Boy’s cell. 

She pointed to the toilet in the corner of the cell. Then she called over one of her assistants.

“Tell Maintenance to cut the water, and then a section of the pipes.”

AN: Okay. 😅 I know I'm gonna get some mixed reviews on this one (Let me know what you thought!).

But despite the teaser, I think you'll enjoy where the story's headed next...

Next Time:

They wheeled in what looked like a large metal casket. You had only seen one of these in pictures, but it had to be a cryochamber.

A doctor in her mid-fifties accompanied them, giving directions on how to safely enter Ben’s cell. Your eyes widened.

“What the hell are you doing?” you shouted.

Panic trilled down your spine as the guards fitted themselves with special suits and gas masks. The doctor turned toward you as the guards led you out of your cell and into the hall.

“You’re being transported,” she informed you.

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