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Why does coffee make me legit sick to my stomach, and tea makes me feel like I'm gonna die of thirst? The only source of caffeine I have is Dr pepper, but my partner dosent let me buy Dr pepper zero, so all I've got is the huge fucking "150" blaring in my eyes. But if I don't drink caffeine, I legit can't function as a normal human being. Legit I have a problem, like if there was rehab for having a caffeine addiction I would self check-in. So I don't know what to do at this point.

But WHY does coffee make me sick? It used to be the only liquid I consumed on a daily basis for litterally 8 years. Why am I not able to drink it now? I'm just confused.

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Started a job. Legit standing and carrying heavy stuff for 9 hours. I'm partly afraid that I'll fall back into the habit of "forgetting" to pack lunch. But also very much wanting to.

I do need to stop buying lunch anyways for money reasons. My nutritionist just told me I'm not sick enough to see anymore, so no one's stopping me. I can just say that I packed a lunch and plan out what we have and what they'd notice if it went missing or not.

Sometimes I think about going to AA or NA because I feel like im addicted. Like I know it's bad. I know I shouldn't. But there's so much other shit going on in my life right now and it's like... what if I only did it for a little bit? Just for a while. Then I'll stop. I just have too much going on, that dealing with my eating stuff makes it so much worse. So what if I just let it go? Then my brain goes "and when I let it go. I'll also start to feel better than before! I'll feel unstoppable!"

So... I'm broken, right?

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Ok so I need to say this somewhere and idk where else to say it but it feels like I'm getting torn up inside about it.

TW: sexual harassment

So I went to dillons today to get gloves to dye my hair with. I'm a trans man and even though I've been on T for years, that dosent get rid of my double D'S so a lot of people see me as a woman immediately still.

I was getting gloves to dye my hair. On the box it says like "body examination gloves" on it or something, idk, they were gloves for my hair bleach and dye. I was figuring out prices at the self check out cause I didn't figure things out properly in my head and I'm poor so I was figuring out if I had the money for it. I'm very very socially anxious and don't like talking to people I don't know in public especially living in the Bible belt and being a trans man.

This enormous guy like 6"5 who works at dillons comes up and is like "you doing alright mam?"

I can handle this interaction, this is fine. I just reply "Oh yeah im ok, just figuring out pricing." Thinking he'd leave me alone if I used a higher pitched voice.

Another thing to note, I have c-ptsd, so if something triggering happens that my brain deems worthy of memory loss, it can and will easily dump that bit of memory. All I remember him saying next is him looking at what I'm buying, looking up to me with a puzzled look. I said something like "im getting gloves to dye my hair."

He says SOMETHING along the lines of "Oh. Trying to get the carpet to match? Or are you--" and that's where my memory cuts out any audio, he's just looking me up and down and staring at me for too long. I laugh awkwardly. Audio of the memory comes back and he says "supposedly, supposedly, supposedly, haaha" as if the word "supposedly" was gonna fix whatever the fuck he just said that my brain beeped for him. Then he walked away thankfully, I paid and left asap. I had the biggest grin on my face cause in situations like those I just appease everyone around me until I leave. I legit looked like I was fucking beaming like I just found 100$ on the ground. I glanced at him and he was PISSED and seemed upset like embarrassed. I walked out of there and sat in my car and started feeling bad. As if I didn't appease him enough and so I felt bad that he felt embarrassed. For HIS actions. His actions that he SHOULD be embarrassed by. Instead, I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

Why? Why did I feel bad for him that he had said something traumatic to me apparently. I don't remember what he said. It was so bad, that my brain said "you don't need to hear this" and fucking made the whole thing silent. This happened TODAY and I'm upset about it, I shouldn't forget the fucking thing I'm upset about, but it was so fucking upsetting that my brain omitted it from my fucking memory.

And now IM the one sitting up at 1am feeling shitty and like I'm disgusting. For why? Who the fuck knows. I don't even know what he fucking said.

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Food log:

Breakfast:

Drove my friend to the airport at 3:30am, so I had a coffee and then slept when I got home.

Lunch:

I was still asleep.

Dinner:

Chicken patty: 220

Fries: 1.5 cups, 176

Mustard: 3

Fry sauce: 90

Total in: 489

No exercise done today sadly. Too tired, already feeling like passing out. Not safe.

I put mustard on most of the fries, hoping it would make it gross, but it didn't. Trying to eat less while looking like I'm eating normally. My partner is VERY observant. I'm hiding this app and myfitnesspal. I'm tired of being this weight. It's not gross, I just don't want to be it.

I've been getting back into cooking actual meals instead of quick meals, but today was a lazy cooking day since I slept funkily. Tonight I'll take my sleep meds early in the night and the plan is beef fajitas. I'm grilling peppers, onions, and beef. I'll have mine have less beef ("Red meat is starting to make me sick again"). And I'll just have 2 (they're very small). I love making Mexican and Middle Eastern food, it's so much fun to season.

Cooking my own food is great cause I know exactly what's in all of it and how much of each ingredient I'm getting. It's also just really fun, when I'm feeling up to it.

It's weird not feeling depressed anymore but still dealing with my ED. I thought it was mostly the depression. But now it's like, "I wanna feel sexy" type of stuff instead of "I'm gross and disgusting" type of stuff. I'm going to start walking my dog more at parks and stuff, since there's a dog park 5 minutes from my house and I don't have the money for my gym membership anymore. Being broke is good for restriction, but not for gym memberships lol. So I'm looking for a job. Gave resumes to 3 places and they all were like "actually we're hiring right now, so, sweet! Thanks!" And they're all places I would actually not despise working at which is great for my mental health (an art store, a pet supply store, and a beauty supply store, all places I regular).

I should really go get some water. Just realized I haven't had any today.

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Actually for pancakes you can substitute an egg for 1/4th cup of soda water (carbonated water? Idk) and it's 75 less calories for the entire batch's total and it tastes the same.

Air popped plain popcorn. Very low cal I agree plus crunchies for a long time

Small amounts of dark chocolate. High caffeine. Low cal. And chocolate craving is filled after just one bite for me.

If I'm wanting something REALLY sweet, go to is 3 grapes. It's approx. 16 cals total.

Vape. No calorie (I think??????? Shit I'm anxious now) and very sweet. + nicotine (though I'm over 21).

Mio drink mixes. Most are 0 cal and very sweet, and some have caffeine, plus gets me to drink water more than Dr pepper (I used to legitimately live off of Dr pepper, like I would go several days of ZERO water and 6 Dr pepper cans. I had a legit problem and it caused lots of health problems for me).

Chicken pattie. Because when my partner is suspecting me but I act excited to get food and its just a chicken patty, they think im sick so that's the only thing that dosent make me feel sick, and it's also low cal ISH. But its more for protection of being caught.

some of my safe foods and why <3

popcorn, you can get some that is only 170 for 4 cups and maybe even less and it's good

waffles & pancakes, can make them yourself and can get some for rlly

sandwiches, can help give you protein and are filling

popsicles, really low calorie depending on the kind and make ppl think you eat normal

rice cakes, i loved these even before i developed ana, they taste good and are lowcal

fruit and vegetables, usually low cal and healthy

gum, lowcal and good

baby food, as always it's lowcal and yummy

soup, it taste good and you get a lot for a little bit of calories

applesauce, comes in different flavors is lowcal and filling

if there is anything you'd like to add on go ahead Id love to listen and add to the list :)

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don’t forget cold baths burn cals!

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I'm actually falling back this time. Other times I just talked about it and never did. But I've convinced everyone that I've just been sick, so much that I remember to randomly complain about my stomach and actually the hunger pains mixed with GERD made my stomach actually cramp up. So I've been eating just one meal and sometimes it's just a chicken pattie. I have to be careful to have nothing on my phone that checks calories cause my partner is always watching for them and notices lots of little details. So I can't post much here daily but I can nightly lol

Today I had a spicy Mccrispy and medium fries.

Yesterday was just the chicken pattie

The day before that was a few oreos.

It's sad to know I can't stop.

It's exciting to know I can't stop.

It's upsetting to know I can't stop.

It's enraging to know I can't stop.

It's exhilarating to know I can't stop.

Now that I'm down to one meal a day, next is time for no meals on a few days.

I need less.

Soon I'll go to the gym to "see if working out will make me feel better. Plus maybe it's just im emotionally upset and it's affecting my stomach health issues."

I need to lose weight.

I'm too big.

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Planning on starting to purge again and just say I'm "sick" to my partner. Thinking about the pros and cons now

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The end of the year gets so fucking depressing. Another year. Yay. Another job I've lost. Another person I've let down. Another disappointment. More weight I've added. More days where I say "I'm too tired, ill do it tomorrow". Another year where I don't shower every month even. Where I haven't done over 4 loads of laundry. Another year where my main source of income is donating plasma or driving for uber. I'm tired. I don't want another one.

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I'm sad. I want to be thin. I want to waste away until I'm nothing anymore. I know people will notice. I know people will get worried. I don't care. I'm tired. I'm sad.

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Nothings working. Texted a hotline and they responded with complete cookie cutter responses what sounded like the did a quick copy paste and changed a few words to match my responses, honestly had me questioning if it was a bot. Called a hotline. Bottom line they told me "well even though you've had horrible experiences with that facility before, you should go back there when you're really vulnerable because honestly I can't think of anything to help you out other than that and get a job". Ok cool. Thank you. I already know I need a job??? I litterally JUST told you how fed up I am with actual medical professionals telling me that I'm basically a lost cause and you go and say "well idk what to tell you except get a job". Mkay cool. Also that facility will JUST send me to a mental hospital right now, I know from experience. I'll tell them I feel like death is a good option and they'll just send me right away to a 3 day stay minimum inpatient place. You know, the place I can't afford cause I don't have a job? At some point, the financial burden does outweigh the physical danger cause the financial burden CAN AND WILL put me in a worse mental state. They'll send me there OR what they actually will do is send me to the HOSPITAL to the OBSERVATION UNIT with people litterally trying to scratch their own eyes out muttering the whole time. And I'll stay there for the whole weekend. And I'll spend another Christmas day locked up in grippy sock jail because they're going to suddenly put me on 5 meds at once which will HURT my mental state. This is the place that put me on fucking 300mg of welbutrin and FUCKING 180MG OF DULOXITINE in the same week : ) if you don't know, the max dose of duloxitine is 120. Oh and those meds have dangerous interactions if you're ever on them at around the same time, let alone put on high doses on the same week. Also I have an eating disorder, obviously, and welbutrin is not only dangerous to me because it causes weight gain, but severely dangerous to me because if I purge while on welbutrin, WHICH I DID DO, I am put at a very very high risk of having a seizure. They put me on those, as well as ambien, all at the 💫same fucking time💫

That's the place they're going to send me to, or worse yet, the nearby institution. When I say nearby I'm saying 3 hours away. I've only heard horror stories. And they've talked about it before because of just how "bad and persistent" my depression and insomnia are. I'm honestly fucking TERRIFIED. I HAVE NIGHTMARE ABOUT JUST THE OBSERVATION UNIT. They did not care AT the fuck ALL.

Also not only all of this but my partner is in such a bad mental place currently, I'm afraid if I go to a mental hospital right now for a few days, I won't have someone to come back to. Not because they'll dump me or anything, but because they'll do exactly what I would be trying to avoid by going to the hospital.

I'm honestly just so disappointed and so disgruntled by the state of mental health services right now, but also HELP ME. HELP ME, THIS IS MY SECCOND DAY IN A ROW OF NO SLEEP. HELP ME, IM HAVING INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS OF KNIVES AND PILLS. HELP ME, I AM CRYING OUT FOR HELP AND ITS LIKE NO ONE CAN HEAR ME. ITS LIKE MY WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. LIKE I SPEAK AND YOURE HEARING SOMETHING IM NOT SAYING. AT ALL. I haven't replied "I'm fine!" To a text even from random strangers in. Like several months now? Most positive I get is "well im dealing with a lot right now honestly, but it could be worse! How are you?" And then they just delve into their deepest darkest secrets and experiences without a second Glace at me. They're in the driver's seat, spewing anything they can about themselves while I sit in the passengers seat sobbing, and they don't even notice. In the past month alone I have been gaslit profusely. I have been manipulated by people I thought were close friends and family such as my mother. I have been told backhanded comments about how, "well you never get me anything, you never pay for my food, so why should I pay for yours? Just kidding haha I'm just laughing, making light, don't be so dramatic!" Maybe I don't pay for your things because you have thousands in savings and I have 70 cents in my checking? Maybe because to stay afloat mentally my partner and I have been going in and out of manic states buying a shit load of random ass shit and going further into debt, and then to stay afloat financially we need to not do those things, EVER. So we just can't financially sustain ourselves, and we can't move back in with our parents cause I gave this post a sneak peek at my parents, a little glimpse. Now take that and expand it 10 times over and you'll get my partners parents.

So yeah. Excuse me for being upset with how you handled that call. The NSH just told me "well I guess get a therapist and get a job!"

I have a therapist. She canceled all our standing appointments because i no-showed but yall never reminded me in any of the ways i provided by calling, texting, emailing, anything. Put that alongside i have severe memory issues and boom, im gonna miss some appointments.

I can't get a job. I'm trying. Sorry if you think I'm not. Sorry if Mr laughing about wanting to die made you think I was part of some God awful prank call or something. Truely, that's what it felt like she treated me as. She helped me on such a complete superficial, cookie-cutter way that felt like "I don't want to come off as an asshole, but this sounds like a prank caller, so im just gonna give basic information and then leave even though he told me about his other attempts and self harm tendencies. I think it's a ploy."

And when I said I had financial struggles because I am POOR poor, and my family has money and won't fucking help AT all, she laughed at me. I know she did. I heard it for a split seccond before she muted her mic. I was like "oh what was that? Hello?... uh hello?" Before she responded again. As if it was like "oh nooo, boo hoo, your family won't give you the right color of convertible." Nah. Nope. My family won't help me with 5$ of gas money just to be able to drive home. To be able to drive from the gas station all the way back to my house. They won't help me with a dollar to pick up a Gatorade for my partner because fun fact, they have POTS, and Gatorades help immensely durring episodes. The wouldn't give me ONE DOLLAR to get them a Gatorade when they were in the middle of an episode.

I'm at the point where being in my room makes me want to kill myself.

I have spent 3 total nights this week completely awake the entire night, two of them right in a row, the last of which being tonight.

I'm tired.

Just let me sleep.

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Sad 🙂

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I'm loosing control again. Im... too full

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Yeah or it's a building full of people with main character syndrome thinking they're gonna save the whole planet by yelling at people about how they're awful and going to hell. Maybe it's a place where a young woman can't just sleep with people and be fine with it, but instead feels as though she must "wear a scarlet letter" on her chest as people stare her down with a grimace and glare. Maybe church is hard because it's wrong. The right thing to do is always hard but the hard thing to do isn't always right. Yeah, church is hard because people go there to fake and mask and put on a face for the world. Maybe change that? That dosent sound fucking healthy. Maybe not everything you do is right. Not just your little sins but the really big B-word sin? Blasphemer? I never heard of her! Using the so called word of God to fit your own twisted rhetoric is some fucked up shit that... wait a second... your pastor preached about last Sunday? Can you say "Blasphemous hypocrite"?

-- 4 am high off my mind thoughts triggered by my mother's Facebook post

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heeyyy if ur a male/ masc aligned person w an ed can u rb this so i can follow !! my acc got termed and i lost all my accs that dont give me dysphoria <3

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An Interesting Title

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Im breaking my so far 43 hour fast later tonight with grilled cheese and tomato soup. Gonna figure the cals and plan everything out : )