#and i've been doing this since 2021!! (everyone point and laugh)

[mastersoftheair]

btw reg mchale just posted an ig story, didn't know if you'd seen and a post by samjbrownn too

already caught (and posted) sam's post earlier, but thanks for letting me know about reg's! i'm on it!

[striveattemptfail]

in prime earth canon, jason todd (NOT red hood) was* publicly known to be alive

red hood: outlaw (2018) #32 (ID in alt text)

considering that jason todd was the official owner of the iceberg lounge during this time, it's likely he acquired the lounge legally and thus can be inferred that he had to be declared legally alive to do so

which brings me to my point:

i've seen a lot of people writing/speculating the difficulties and limitations jason experiences bc he was declared legally dead after ethiopia, which is all well and good, and is fantastic fodder for angst

but i've been wondering if this was bc people are actively ignoring canon (valid) or simply didn't know that at one point* jason was publicly alive (also valid, bc following comics is a shitshow lol)

please reblog to increase visibility! the whole point of this poll is to gauge how many people know this, so i'd love to see this post reach as many people as possible. thank you~! 😅🙏

(* big disclaimer under the cut!)

note: all of this info is as of may 2023. i am only one human so it's impossible for me to read every comic jason has been in since rhato (2016) and remember every single thing that happened. if anything i said above the cut is incorrect now, i apologize! /o\

for reference, as of creating this poll i've read:

red hood and the outlaws (2016) #1-26

red hood: outlaw (2018) #27-52

task force z (2021) #1-12

batman: urban legends (2021) #1-6 – cheer pt.1-6

the joker: the man who stopped laughing (2022) #3-5

i haven't read a lot of other important runs like death metal (2020), three jokers (2020), robins (2021), etc. if jason (NOT red hood) was declared dead once again in any of those, that is the reason why i used "was" in the very first sentence of this post and reiterate that he was alive at least for a limited period

my bad that i missed his second legal death tho LOLLL

i'm also aware that red hood (NOT jason) was known as "dead" by others after task force z (even though he clearly didn't die). that said, in the little i've read of tj:tmwsl, it seems that 1) not everyone knows red hood is actually alive, and/or that 2) red hood died at all. again, if red hood is generally known to be alive after tfz, that's on me

if there's anything else i've missed, let me know!! i'll update/reblog this post for as long as the poll is up (-u-)b

[heathersdesk]

I'm a Mixed Race Woman in Idaho and I'm Calling You Racist for Not Voting for Kamala Harris

It is a fact of life that most people don't actually say what they mean. And I've been struggling for almost 35 years to learn the lesson that this means, unavoidably, that most people don't actually mean what they say. They don't like being confronted on it, and will double down the second you reveal it. So I try—genuinely—not to point this out as often as I see it.

But I have to in this case. No, not have to. I get to. I get to do it in this case because it's racist. And I'm tired of pretending it's not.

I've been watching TFG and Kamala Harris are "basically the same" takes, especially when it comes to Israel, for over a year now. And now that we're less than a week out from Election Day, I'm willing to kick that hornets nest right over a fence with everything I've got.

Because that's not what you believe. Not really. At the core of that argument, you're trying to say two things, not one.

The first is that Donald Trump's only term and Joe Biden's second first term are "basically the same" when it comes to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. That's what you mean to say. And if that's what you want to believe, I'm not going to stop you. If you want to compare those two time periods, badly, at the exclusion of all the other history since the 1940s, knock yourself out.

But that comparison (Trump 1 v. Biden 2 1) is a stupid thing to bring up in a discussion about Kamala Harris unless you also mean to say a second thing: that she and Joe Biden are "basically the same." They very much are not, and haven't ever been. And if you are uninformed enough to think that, let's take a tour through some recent history together.

Remember when she humiliated him in the 2020 debates when he bragged about being able to work with anyone, including segregationists, in Congress? And she called him out on national television for opposing school integration because he didn't support busing black kids to white schools?

She looked him and all of America right in the face and said, in accusation to him, "there was a little girl in California who was part of the second class to integrate her public schools, and she was bused to school every day. And that little girl was me."

She throat punched him in front of God and everyone. Go back and watch it. It was in the second debate of 2020. You can see it in his face that she snatched the air right out of his lungs, and he couldn't do anything to defend himself because he knew he deserved it. That moment was decades in the making and his bill for being a "moderate" came due. It was an incredible thing to witness, and something more moderates need to learn from.

That moment was why I was genuinely shocked that he picked her as his running mate. I still don't believe he wanted to do it. And why I wasn't at all surprised when this was the reporting that was coming out. This example is from 2021.

Joe Biden attempted to prevent Kamala Harris from replacing him, in exactly the way she ended up doing, by giving her absolutely nothing to do as a Vice President. He chose the candidate who was the greatest threat to him as his Vice President so he could bury her. He let people gossip about her and humiliate her without ever coming to her defense in any meaningful way, for years. He gave her stupid and meaningless assignments where she never got to punch at her weight, let alone above it, when she was more than capable of doing that.

People made fun of her for how she sang "The Wheels on the Bus" wrong and her "love" of yellow school buses. They called her cringey. They made fun of her laugh. They made jokes about how they needed to find someone to love them as much as she loves yellow school buses. She doesn't love school buses, idiot! You might as well say that about Ruby Bridges while you're at it.

You did all that without ever questioning whether Joe Biden putting her on school bus duty (do you see the irony now?) was the best use of a former prosecuting attorney's talents and abilities. You've already forgotten that him doing this to her was an ongoing source of conflict between them that was poorly concealed the entire first term of his presidency.

Multiple people in my family say they don't like her because they're picking up on the fact that she has a very controlled, almost artificial demeanor.

Of course she does! Did you ever stop to ask yourself why?

She goes to work every day with a boss she fundamentally doesn't respect on many levels, day in and day out, because that's what it's going to take for her to get the promotion she deserves.

We could've had her instead of him already! Israel's escalation in Palestine could've never happened if she had been president! But we'll never know now, will we? Y'all were too racist to vote for her in 2020 when she was running. You fell for the right wing nonsense that told you to call her a cop, when the exact opposite was true. But y'all don't want to talk about that now, do you. No question mark because it's not a question.

She has to watch an old man do a job she is more than capable of doing, while he's doing it very badly at times, without revealing how frustrated she is. And she had to learn the hard way to be careful who she showed that frustration to because they went directly to the press with it every time.

Could you do that? I've done my own version of that, in a very small way, with a sexist old white man. He was a mediocre veterinarian from Minnesota who loved polka music and pissing me off. I lasted a year. I was losing my mind by the end of it and quit my job when I couldn't take it anymore.

Have you ever had to do cleanup after an old white man who should've retired two decades ago? Because I have. It is some of the most humiliating work you can do. I was helping an ungrateful man make more money than I'll ever see keep his clients, despite being very bad with people, while I was being paid $12 an hour.

It's ridiculous we still make women do this. Have you ever had to do it, at a national level, with cameras pointed at you everywhere you go? No. You haven't. Shut up.

And by the way, it hasn't ended. It's still happening. He still can't get over himself, and neither can his staff. They're going to make podcasts about it one day and y'all are going to see how bad it was for her.

Kamala Harris has not put up with eight years of Joe Biden's inadequacies and petulance for you to say she's exactly like him. That's a deeply uneducated and racist thing for you to say. All it demonstrates is that you didn't see and recognize all of this when it was happening for what it was, either because you couldn't see it or didn't care. You never stopped to examine your own gender and racial biases to understand why you felt that way. A part of you somewhere genuinely believes that this was part of her job, to be a Mammy to Joe Biden, which is why you couldn't see the problem while it was happening. Those were the conditions under which you accepted her becoming Vice President.

You and Drew Barrymore both. Remember that? Drew Barrymore said what the rest of America was thinking, and has been thinking since Kamala Harris became Vice President. And now that she's been Mamala to Biden and to us for eight years, you don't want to promote her? And you want me to believe there's anything other than misogynoir behind that?

Get out of my face with that. Don't you ever say she's "basically the same" as Donald Trump or Joe Biden ever again. It makes you look incredibly ignorant and unkempt, like you've never had anyone who loves you enough to teach you how to act in public.

Kamala Harris is a Black Asian woman from California who grew up in segregation. She is more qualified to be President than Donald Trump, Ronald Reagan, and Joe Biden put together before she even wakes up in the morning. She deserves respect she doesn't get, and will continue not to get even as President, and she's still running anyway with a smile on her face.

Miraculous!

The least you can do is vote for her. But if doing the bare minimum is asking too much of you, you need to sit down and really look at yourself. Why do you let the people around you tell you to hate black women, to mistrust them even as they're actively taking care of you? Why do you feel like that's okay for you to do? And why do you only stop when everyone else collectively changes their mind about that black woman?

Especially y'all who want to constantly call out white cishet nonsense. What good does it do anyone to put your mama and daddy, your grandpa, and your uncle at Thanksgiving on blast for clout if you can't even see the ugly in yourself when it matters?

Fix your face. Do it now. You have until November 5th. Go vote for Kamala Harris.

And quit expecting strangers on the Internet to do the free labor of spoon-feeding you the things you should know already—especially if you were there. Do whatever you have to do to be smarter than that. As always, I suggest reading a book, preferably from your public library.

[doin-just-fine]

What the brain doin?? PT. 1 of a questioning median system's journey

"Why do I think I'm plural?"

Hello!

I am making this post for those who think they are a Median System. I've noticed our community is small and that there aren't many recourses out there to compare experiences to. The few that do exist have been very helpful so I thought I'd add to the pool to compare and contrast with.  In this post I will discuss how I reached the point of believing I am a Median System, why, as of right now, that label fits the best for me, and what my system is like on the inside. 

(THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF ORGIN, LABLE, KNOWLEDGE, OR IDENTITY)

How did I get here?

I started learning about what plurality was in 2018 for a college psych course. At that point in time I just found it interesting; fascinated at how the brain reacted to trauma and why it would split off as a way to cope. A tiny part of me thought "am I....?? NAaaah!! I would know!! It would click and everything would all make sense and I would just know!!! Plus I don't have enough trauma." I developed a hyper-fixation on it for a bit but it fizzled out and I didn't reflect on it again for a while. 

In 2021 I took a course that looked at the abstract ideas and philosophies behind what consciousness really is. I decided that for my final research paper in that course I would write about DID and other forms of plurality and what implications their very existence meant for how we define consciousness. After that, the hyper-fixation was reignited. I started to reflect on myself again but came to the same conclusions. Until, I met my now partner, who is a system, in 2022. They taught me a lot about plurality. 

It's a bit fuzzy when I started questioning myself again or why. EDIT: I remembered! I ran out of ADHD medication and had to go without it for a couple weeks. For context, I haven't taken a break from my meds since I started them at age 8 and at the time of running out I was on the highest dose of really strong stuff. After this break I started to notice how much my meds suppressed my emotions and creativity, eventually I got more medication. I then started asking my partner more questions about how they figured it out they were a system, how they knew, what did they do, how did they navigate embracing it, etc. I was a bit obsessive about these questions and it wasn't hyper-fixation level obsessive, this was "I need these answers to survive" level obsessive. I started noticing anxiety around these questions that I had never felt before. Ya know, totally normal singlet stuff. 

I started a notes app note titled "Psychological analysis of myself" after I had a panic attack that felt like someone else was having it through my body. Like genuinely, it snuck up on me (unusual for my anxiety I usually can see it coming a mile a way) and then it felt like my body had the panic attack without me, I was just there along for the ride. It freaked me out, which is why I started the notes app. I started diving into more research on OSSD and more nuanced experiences of plurality that never came up in basic psychology research. 

Then the denial started. Heavy, aggressive, degrading, denial. I pride myself on have decent esteem and self love but this denial laughed in my face. I only felt this once before when I was failing a math class in 2019. It was the first class I had ever been so close to failing I tore myself apart about it. It was so unlike me to be so mean to myself. When having this denial dialogue in my head about how (aggressive language warning) I was attention seeking faker who was just lonely and wanted to feel special, it was always stated in “You are…” statements. For example: “You’re just faking.” “You’re stupid.” “I can’t believe you think this.” When I would have these conversations with myself I would feel myself getting tired. Not tired in a way where I needed a nap but more like a drifting tired. I know this may be connected to dissociation, or switching (unclear).

So in my notes app I would write the thoughts out as they came. I realized I was having a chat with myself. A great app for honestly singlets and plurals to download is ANTAR. It’s an app that lets you chat with you "emotions" to sort out emotional hang ups but if you label the emotions as your alters instead you can chat with your system! These conversations are why I didn’t fully fall back into denial stage.

For a moment I did. I concluded that I was just being silly and dramatic and blowing things out of proportion. But having those conversations on my phone that I could go back to and look at didn’t let me stay there for long. 

I went back and forth on the denial thing for a minute only because I couldn’t find label that fit how I felt about my potential system until I happened across Median System. There was the click. Everything fell into place. I sat and read the definition and just thought “That’s me”.

Why “Median System”

A Median System is describe as 

A median system (also called midcontinuum) is a system where members are not as distinct or separate from each other. It can be considered being somewhere between multiple and singlet.[1] Some are dependent on a single individual, or the dependence can be mutual in that there is no central individual. Some median systems feel more blurred between themselves[2]. Others may also be based around a shared identity or kin. The members of a median system are often described as aspects or facets. Some median systems may identify as different archetypes[1]. Despite being more fluid and similar, median systems can be very diverse. Median systems are often opposed to multiple systems, with multiple systems experiencing more distinction between headmates. Some may also oppose it to partitionary systems, but in fact, median systems can be either partitionary or blurian, as variance in identity and presence or absence of memory sharing do not necessarily go hand-in-hand.

For me, part of the reason that I was in such denial of possibly being plural was because I have little to no amnesia in my day to day but unlike OSDD-1b (which also lacks amnesia) I don’t have distinct others. It felt like me all the time but sometimes adjacent. Someone described the difference as feeling like a snake with multiple heads rather that multiple snakes in a cage. And a Median system it feels like being an individual with multiple consciouses instead of multiple individuals in one body. 

Other ways that I experience my existence are as follows: 

I sometimes use plural first pronouns when referring to myself because before this realization I would be talking about myself and my brain as separate from me.

I used to joke that I felt like a system that just never fractured. 

The way people describe masking but for me it feel like a more extreme level, where I’m not TRYING to change my behavior, it just sorta happens and I’m “someone else”. What I called masking felt more like skipping songs in a playlist to get to the right one instead of putting on a mask. 

Another thing I experience is sometimes I expect to see a different face in the mirror and I get weirded out while still recognizing that, that is me and my face. 

This one might be a stretch but I have seen other Median Systems mention it. I notice that proper singlets have 1 go to aesthetic. It may change over the years but that typically have 1. I have never been able to consistently identify with 1 aesthetic I typically cycle through several. Specifically for me it's punk, grunge, hippy, cottage academia, and dark academia. With a funky gender identity on top of all that.

I wrote this post on and off over the course of a few hours and I lost my train of thought. Please let me know if you have questions, clarifications, comments, or your own stories. My asks are open. I will probably speak more on this at a later date.

[sequinsmile-x]

Start from Scratch

It had been years since they'd been back to the place they'd once called home, the place they once thought they'd raise their children, but it was time.

Aaron and Emily and their family go back to DC years after being forced to leave by Peter Lewis and his obsession.

My 250th Hotchniss Fic.

-x-

Hi friends,

It seems absolutely bonkers that this is my 250th fic, and on some level it probably is, but here we are!!

I've never written anything about the Scratch storyline, largely because I've only ever watched those episodes once, and it freaked me out so much I've never watched them again!! So, I thought I'd write this, an idea that's been floating around my brain for a long time, to mark the occasion.

I just wanted to say thank you for always encouraging me, for being my safe space when I have bad days. Writing for this fandom has, and will continue to, get me through some hard times in my life. Writing is my way of escape, and the fact it provides escape to other people is a bonus that I cannot even describe.

So, if you've ever read something I've written, if you'd left kudos, or likes, reblogs or comments, then this for you. Thank you.

Let me know what you think <3

-x-

Words: 9.3k (i got carried away)

Warnings: Canon typical violence

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

May 2021

“Mom, I’m bored.” 

She smiles as she looks up from her desk, her eyebrow raised as her eyes meet her son’s, the 9-year-olds the same dark shade as hers. 

“Did you finish all your homework?” She asks, and he avoids her eye contact, looking down at the ground, “Oscar Hotchner…”

“I did most of it,” he says, an almost desperate tone to his voice that she has to clear her throat to stop from laughing at, “But Wren and Rosie are playing and Jack said we could play on his game.”

She folds her hands on her desk in front of her and smiles at him. Before she’d been a parent she always assumed she wouldn’t be a pushover when it came to her children, but all it would take is a slightly sad look in their eyes, or a slight tilt of their sweet heads, and she was putty in their hands. Aaron always made fun of her for it, his smile pressed into her hairline when they curled up in bed at night, a playful tone to his voice as he joked about how she had stared down serial killers in a past life but was unable to say no to their children. 

“You know what, sweet boy,” she says, standing up and round her desk, walking over to him and wrapping her arm around him, “Mommy is bored with marking papers, so why don’t we go find everyone else.” The way his face lights up with a smile, the one he shared with Aaron, warms her from the inside out. “Dad will be home soon anyway.” 

They walk towards the living room and she laughs at the sight of the twins sitting on the couch, absolutely surrounded by every single one of their stuffed animals, and she wonders how many times they must have walked up and down the stairs to bring them down from their rooms. 

“What is going on in here?” She asks, smiling when both Wren and Rose look at her. They were identical in looks, to the point where only those who were close to them could tell them apart, but their personalities couldn’t be more different. Wren was quiet, more reserved in nature especially around people she didn’t know, so much like Aaron it made Emily feel fiercely protective of her. Rose was exactly like she was. Bold and adventurous and stubborn to a degree that had Emily dreading her teenage years even though they were only a few months shy of the twins 6th birthday. 

“We’re playing hospital,” Rose says, her expression serious as she points at the lined up stuffed animals, “These are all our patients.” 

“Wow,” Emily replies, “Busy day at the hospital.” 

Jack walks in, the spare controllers for the Nintendo Switch in his hands, “Who wants to play MarioKart?” 

“Me!” Wren exclaims, abandoning what she had been doing and running over to her brother who was just about her favourite person in the world. The relationship between Jack and his siblings was something that never failed to make Emily feel emotional. She remembered how worried she’d been when she was pregnant with Oscar, so concerned how Jack would react that it had made her feel sick, but he’d never been anything other than excited at being a big brother. 

She knew they’d all miss him when he moved away to college in a couple of years. 

She’s just about to say that she’ll play too, her arm still around Oscar’s shoulders, when the front door opens, Aaron’s smile wide as he walks into the house. 

“Daddy’s home!” Rose shouts, running over to the front door, running at his legs at full speed and wrapping her arms around him.

“Hi Rosie Posie,” he replies, leaning down to hug her as he places his briefcase by the door. He smirks as he sees how Emily rolls her eyes at the nickname she’d hated since he’d first said it. 

“We were about to play MarioKart,” Emily says, smiling when he walks over to press a kiss to her cheek, “If you want to join us I can always beat you again.” 

“You only win because you cheat, Mom,” Jack says, and she turns to him, narrowing her eyes at her oldest.

“I do not cheat,” she replies before she turns back to her husband, “How about it, honey?” 

He nods, clearing his throat, “Yeah,” he looks at his children and smiles, “Why don’t you go set up the game, Mom and I will be right behind you.” 

They all nod and head towards the den, chatting over each other, their home never quiet but full of love and a type of peace that, even just a few years ago, Emily wouldn’t have thought was possible.  She smiles as she turns to face Aaron, shaking her head at their children as they all rush out of the room to play the video game, Jack leading the charge, but it fades when she sees the look on her husband's face, the sadness in his eyes. 

“Honey,” she says, stepping towards him, her hand on his arm in an immediate attempt to comfort him, “What’s wrong?” 

He sighs as he puts his hand over hers, linking their fingers together as he squeezes, “I heard from Dave,” he says, pressing his lips together in a tight line, “Krystall died this morning.” 

“Poor Dave,” She gasps, her heart clenching in her chest, aching for their friend who had done so much for them, who had saved them. Dave had been the one to protect them when everything started to fall apart, his friendship and his protectiveness over them and their children one of the reasons they were all still together now. She blows out a steady breath and locks eyes with her husband. “Do you think…” she drifts off, the mere thought of going back, of returning to the place where their family had been tormented by a now dead psychopath, enough to make her chest seize. 

“I’ve already booked the time off work,” he replies, as if he has read her mind. She nods and leans in to hug him, sighing as he hugs her back, “He’d do it for us.” 

“You’re right,” she says, closing her eyes as she hears the kids laugh from the next room, reminding herself that Peter Lewis hadn’t won, that she still had everything she’d left her life, the people she’d once considered her found family, behind to protect, “We should go.” 

He can feel the tension in her shoulders, the knots that almost immediately begin to form there, and he rubs his hand up and down her back. The choice not to return to their old life once it was safe to do so had been a hard one, but ultimately the right decision. Their life now was the one their children deserved, the one they deserved, and he knew that the thought of going back to where they had almost lost everything, even to support one of their oldest friends, was a difficult one. 

“It will be ok, sweetheart,” he assures her, stamping a kiss against her lips, “We’ll do it together, just like everything else.” 

She smiles and nods, kissing him once more before she pulls away, smiling at the sound of the kids yelling for them, Rose’s voice drowning out the rest of them. 

“Yeah,” she says, squeezing his hand as they walk towards the den, “Together.”

___

April 2015

It feels like an echo of a previous life. The panic, how it twists deep in her gut as she parks her car outside the hospital, greeting her like an old friend. 

The last time she’d done this he’d simply been her boss, although she knew in hindsight that she’d been in love with him even then. He hadn’t been hers, her confusing feelings for him stuffed deep down under all the other secrets she carried at the time, unable to surface under the weight of her time with Ian Doyle. 

The worry is sharper this time, only made worse by how Dave had sounded on the phone. Their usually cool and unaffected friend sounded strained, his concern for Aaron clear, unable to hide it from her despite his best efforts. 

She bursts into the hospital entrance, her car keys tightly grasped in her first as she approaches the nurse's station. 

“Excuse me,” she says, her voice strained even to her own ears. A nurse looks her up and down, “I-”

“Ma’am, are you okay? Is something wrong with your baby?” 

Emily’s hand drifts to her stomach, more pronounced at this stage in her pregnancy than it had been during her last one with Oscar, because this time she has two babies in her belly. Twins they’d recently found out were both girls, constantly moving as if they were already fighting with each other. 

“No, I’m fine,” she says, sounding harsher than she means to be, “My husband was brought in, Aaron Hotchner. Our friend called me and-”

“Emily.” 

She turns to see Dave standing a few feet away and she abandons the nurse's station, walking over to him as quickly as she can, “Dave, what the hell happened?”

He pulls her into a hug, his embrace tight, almost desperate, and it does nothing to calm her fraying nerves. 

“He got into his head,” he says, his hands still on her shoulders as he pulls back. 

She frowns, her stomach churning for a different reason than she was used to, “Peter Lewis?” She asks, swallowing thickly when Dave nods, “What do you mean he got into his head?” 

Dave sighs and guides her over to a nearby chair and she sits, her hand on her stomach again as she tries to calm herself down, well aware her blood pressure was already something her doctor was concerned about. 

“He drugged him. Made him hallucinate all kinds of things, including some of the team dying,” he says, and she blows out a breath, “Lewis tried to then make him kill us when we came in to rescue him, but he saw through it. I think there's more but he won’t talk about it.” 

She nods, placing her hand on her bump, the movement of her daughters keeping her somewhat grounded, “And Lewis?” 

“He gave himself up immediately,” Dave says, clenching his jaw, anger aimed at the man who had tried to rob his friend of everything that made him who he was, “He got what he wanted.” 

Emily nods, “He got inside Aaron’s head,” she wraps her fingers around her wedding rings, twisting them back and forth, “Can I see him?”

Dave nods and stands up offering her a hand to help her up too but she declines, forcing herself up herself. “He’s pretty out of it,” Dave says, walking her towards Aaron’s room, “But he kept asking about you and the boys, he wanted to make sure you were safe.” 

She chuckles humourlessly and shakes her head, “That sounds about right,” she smiles tightly at him, “He’s the one who got drugged and tortured by a psychopath but he was worried about us whilst we were sat at home.” 

He smiles and nods at her, “He’s in there,” he says, pointing towards the room next to them. Emily turns to go in, desperate to see her husband, but Dave stops her, his hand on her arm, “Bella, non l'ho mai visto così.” 

She feels her heart seize in her chest, her lungs so stuffed full of worry she can’t draw in a breath, so all she does is nod in response, smiling tightly at her friend once more before she walks into Aaron’s room. She immediately sees what Dave means, how delicate Aaron looks, frail in a way she’d never associated with him. He’d always been huge. Tall and wide-shouldered in a way that made her feel small, even though in reality she wasn’t too much shorter than him. In recent years he’d put on a little weight, something that she loved, but hadn’t lost any of his strength. He was her safe space, her haven, and she knew he was the same for their children too.

But right now he looked small, folding in on himself as he jumps as the door opens. She immediately feels guilty, chastising herself internally for spooking him when he’d already been through so much, but she smiles at him in a way she hopes is encouraging. 

“Honey, it’s just me,” she says, stepping towards him, her hands in front of her, one of them on her bump, so he can see them, “It’s Emily.” 

“Sweetheart?” He asks, sounding slightly panicked as he sits up, “Where are Jack and Oscar, are they-”

“Baby,” she says, sitting on the edge of his bed as she cuts him off, squeezing one of his hands between both of hers, her touch immediately stopping him in his tracks, “The boys are fine. Jess is with them. By now they are probably both fast asleep in their beds.” 

He nods, a vacant look in his eyes that was tearing her apart, “And you’re okay?” 

She smiles softly at him, “I’m okay,” she says, placing his hand on her belly, watching a flicker of him pass over his face as one of the babies kicks against his hand, “All three of your girls are,” she adds, and he nods again, remaining silent as they sit there, the silence cloying, overwhelming in a way that makes her choke, “Aaron-”

“Don’t ask me what he made me see,” he says, his voice devoid of emotion, his eyes seeing right through her, as if he was seeing whatever it was all over again, “I can’t…”

She isn’t sure she’s ever hated someone as much as she hates Peter Lewis. She just wants a few minutes alone with him, to see how powerful he was without his drugs and his tools, to give him a taste of his own medicine. She breathes out slowly, well aware that Aaron didn’t need her to be angry now. There would be plenty of time for that later. Right now, he needed her love, a reminder of their lives together. 

“Okay,” she says, shifting closer to him and pulling him into an embrace. He rests his head against her chest and she feels him breathe in deeply, filling his lungs with the smell of home as if it would erase everything he’d been through, “Okay. I’m right here. I love you.” 

“Love you too,” he murmurs, his palms wide and strong on her back, holding her closer, her bump pressed between them as he desperately holds her in place. 

“They got him,” she says, kissing the top of his head, “He won’t hurt us again.”

For a reason she can’t explain, she’s not even sure she believes herself. 

___

She’s nervous in a way she can’t explain when they arrive. 

They’d booked a suite at a downtown hotel despite Dave’s insistence that they could stay with him. Neither of them wanted to place that burden on him, to have their family of 6 taking up space in his home where she knew his grief should be. 

She’d idly wondered if he’d mentioned to the others that they were coming, but it’s a question that is answered when they show up at the funeral and everyone looks shocked to see them. Whispers passed back and forth between JJ, Penelope, Tara and Spencer as well as people that Emily doesn’t recognise. 

At first, their contact only being limited to Dave had been practical, especially when they were still in witness protection. But once everything was safe, once they could have returned, it was something that had continued. The people they had once spent every day with, people who had been in their wedding and held their children when they were newborns, no longer a part of their lives. It made Emily feel guilty, especially when she sees the shock on their faces, the second time in her life she’d been a ghost to them, but she reminds herself that it goes both ways, that there had been almost no attempts at contact from their side either. 

They don’t speak to anyone else until the wake, all of their focus during the funeral is to pay their respects to Krystall and making sure the kids are entertained and they don’t cause a scene if they get bored. Her, Aaron and Jack had taken one of the smaller children each, Wren all but glued to her mother’s side as she looked around a room full of people she didn’t know. The wake is held at Dave’s house, echoes of his wife in every corner, and all Emily needs to do is close her eyes and she’s taken back to her and Aaron’s wedding. Having it here had felt right. She’d never wanted a big wedding and as soon as Aaron proposed she knew she wanted it here. In the place where they’d all come back together in the fallout of Ian and how he’d torn through their lives. 

“Emily.” 

She looks up, her breath catching in her chest as she sees JJ and Penelope walk over to her. There’s a moment of awkward silence as all three of them just look at each other, and then Penelope pulls her into a hug, every bit as fierce and loving as she had remembered. 

“Hi Pen,” she says, holding her back just as tightly. She smiles as she pulls away and then hugs JJ too before she puts some space between them, “It’s…been a long time.”

“We weren’t expecting to see you,” JJ says, crossing her arms over her chest, “I didn’t know you guys were still in touch with Dave.” 

She nods, her lips pressed together in a firm line, “It’s not very often,” she says, “But he called Aaron to tell him about Krystall, and it wouldn’t have felt right to not come.” She feels a pulling at the material of her dress and she looks down to see Wren standing close to her, a nervous look in her eyes as she looks back and forth between her mother and the women she was speaking to. Emily runs her fingers through the girl's hair and crouches down to her level, “You probably don’t remember Mommy and Daddy’s friends, huh?” She says, and she smiles as Wren shakes her head, stepping closer to her as she does so, seeking out her mother’s comfort, “That’s okay, you were very small the last time we were here.” 

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” JJ asks, and it makes something in Emily’s chest pang, because if they’d stayed, if they’d never had to leave, she knows the woman she would have once called her best friend would have been one of the people who could tell the twins apart. She looks at Wren who stays silent, her hand tight around the black material of Emily’s dress. 

“This is Wren,” she says, smiling at her friend as she picks her daughter up, settling her on her hip as she straightens up. Wren rests her head against her shoulder and tangles one of her hands in Emily’s hair, “Wren, these are Mommy’s friends. Jennifer-”

“Like my middle name,” Wren says, smiling as she finally finds her voice, and Emily and JJ exchange a sad smile. 

“Yeah, sweet girl, like your middle name,” she replies, before tilting her towards Penelope, her eyes wide and shining, “And this is Penelope, just like Rosie’s middle name.” 

Penelope clears her throat, pushing down the emotions that had climbed up it, and smiles at the little girl, “You’re very pretty, Wren Jennifer.” 

Wren smiles at the compliment, “I look like Mommy!” 

“Yeah,” Penelope replies, looking back at Emily, “You really do.” 

Emily spots Jack and she puts Wren down, “Go with Jack, ok sweetie? Mommy will come find you in a bit.” 

Wren nods and runs away, calling out Jack’s name in a way that is a little loud for a wake, but no one around seems to care. Strangers all smiling as the little girl is picked up by her brother and carried away. Emily turns back to look at JJ and Penelope and feels the awkwardness return, a mix of regret for the last few years mixing with defiance in her chest. She loved her life, and she’d done what she had to do.

“Sorry,” she says, her fingers immediately wrapping around her wedding rings, twisting them back and forth, “She’s nervous around strang…people she doesn’t know,” she says, correcting herself, the thought that someone she’d named her daughter after being a stranger to her too much to bear. 

“So, where do you guys live?” JJ asks, trying to make the conversation feel a little more normal. 

“New Haven,” she replies, smiling as she thinks of home, “We both teach at Yale. We both do classes in criminology and I do a few in linguistics.” 

“You live in Connecticut?” Penelope asks, furrowing her brow, “You’ve been on the same coast all this time?”

“Well, not all this time,” Emily replies, “We were in witness protection in Ohio but moved up there afterwards.” 

It had been something they’d gone back and forth on when they were deciding where to settle. Their home in Ohio had only ever felt temporary, the place they’d had to hide out from a man who had become so obsessed with Aaron he was stalking their son. Once they’d established they weren’t going to come back to DC they’d considered lots of places, but had settled on Connecticut, their life there different to how it had been before, and all the more precious for it. 

“You never called,” Penelope says, and Emily presses her lips together before she blows out a breath.

“Neither did you,” she replies, no accusation in her voice, her smile sad, “I kind of always assumed you’d look us up.” 

Penelope smiles wryly, “Dave had me under strict instructions to leave you to it. He said he’d never seen either of you so happy,” she says, looking at JJ before she looks back at Emily, “Who were we to mess with that after everything you’ve both been through.” 

Emily nods, “How about we all agree to be better at staying in touch going forward?” She says, hoping it wasn’t a false promise, “You could come and visit, we have plenty of room.” 

Penelope smiles, her expression widely inappropriate for where they were, “Oh my god you live in some kind of mansion don’t you?” 

She presses her lips together to stop herself from smiling as she thinks of their home, how Aaron’s eyes had almost bugged out of his head when they first saw it. It hadn’t cost much more than their home in DC, but it was almost twice the size. Large and airy but comforting, everything she’d always hoped for. 

“Something like that.”

___

May 2016

She’s chewed her nails almost to the quick. She knows he’ll pick up on it, that he’ll comment on the damage that she’s done, the spots of blood that always seemed fresh along her nail line, but she thinks she should get a pass. 

Her husband had been arrested for something he hadn’t done after all. 

It had only been a handful of days, three at most, but they’d blurred into one. Concern and fear that something would happen to him whilst he was in there, all of her previous jokes that all you had to do was look at him and you knew he was a cop haunting her as she failed to sleep. The team wouldn’t let her get involved, and neither would her direct superior on the Counterterrorism team, the job she’d returned to have she had the twins. Everyone sent her home, told her to be with her children, as if that would take her mind off of things. 

Derek had been the one to call her to say they’d done it, that they’d proven Aaron’s innocence, and she doesn’t think she’d ever gotten out of the house faster. Jessica had been staying over with her since Aaron had been arrested, helping her with the kids and being emotional support. It was strange to Emily to think sometimes that one of her closest friends was the sister of her husband’s dead ex-wife, but life had always had a way of surprising her. Jessica offered to stay with the children whilst Emily went to the prison to meet Aaron, her desperation to see him clear. 

She paces the sidewalk outside of the prison, what remains of her thumbnail in her teeth as seconds feel like hours as they pass by. She checks the time on her phone, her wallpaper, a photo of their family, of her and Aaron holding one of the girls each, Wren in her arms and Rose in Aaron’s, with Jack and Oscar on either side of them, making her ache. When the front door opens, the metal clang of it ringing out around her, she turns so quickly she pulls her neck, but she barely feels it. A shuddering sigh escapes her in relief as her eyes meet his. He was wearing the suit he’d worn when he last left home, rumbled and dirty now, and his beard had grown out a little. It was the first time ever that the sight of it made her feel nauseous, instead of the usual lust that would take over her.  Dave is with him but hangs back, a few paces behind her husband so he can give them some time together. 

They move at the same time, closing the gap between them as they meet in an embrace that winds them both, knocking the air out of each other's lungs as they hug tightly. His arms band around her back, holding her with such ferocity her feet leave the ground, her toes just about scraping the cement. She pulls back just enough to kiss him, her lips fierce against his as he kisses her back, his fists tight in her shirt. She looks at him, her hand on his cheek as she checks for injuries.

“Are you okay?” She asks, the question sounding ridiculous as she asks it, her voice croaking in a way she hates. 

“I’m as okay as I can be,” he replies, pressing his forehead against hers, “How about you, and the kids?”

“Same,” she replies, “They are excited to see you.”

He nods, the thought of seeing his wife and kids, of holding them all like she was currently holding her, had been the only thing that had got him through the last few days. “I’m excited to see them too, as soon as this case-”

“No,” she says, squeezing him harder as he tries to turn away, to look at Dave over his shoulder, “Let’s just go home,” she all but begs, the thought of him going to work, of leaving her sight, too much to bear, “Please, the team can handle it without you.” 

It’s a turning point in their relationship. She’d never asked him to step away from work before. She understood him, she was the same. They both valued their work and its importance, but this was different. This case, anything to do with Peter Lewis, was always trying to pull them apart, and she couldn’t take it anymore. 

And from the look on his face, she doesn’t think he can either.

He crumbles, any resolve he may have had to not go straight home with her already weak as it was. He turns to look at Dave and he doesn’t even have to say anything, a sad yet knowing smile on the other man's face. 

“My advice, as a man who has been divorced three times?” He says, stepping towards them and pressing his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. He smiles at Emily as he carries on, “Listen to your wife. We’ve got it, Aaron. Go home and hug your children.” 

Aaron nods, not needing any further encouragement, and he looks down at his wife, “Let’s go home.”

Emily almost sags with relief against him, hugging him one more time before she pulls away, linking her hand through his, not wanting to lose the connection. She looks at Dave, her relief palpable as she speaks. 

“Grazie.” 

“Sempre,” he replies, winking at her before he walks away back to his car, ready to join the team to finish what they’d started. 

Emily looks back at Aaron and squeezes his hand, “Come on, I’ll drive.” 

He follows her gladly to their car, and it’s only when she lets go of his hand to dig the car keys out of her pocket that he sees her nails, now they’ve been torn to pieces. He grabs her hand again and looks closer, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight of them.

“Em…”

She smiles sadly at him and shrugs, “Give a girl a break, my husband was in prison for something he didn’t do and I didn’t know if something was going to happen to him.” 

He hugs her again, the weight of her against him soothing his weary soul as she leans into him, “I’m so sorry sweetheart.”

“It’s not your fault,” she says, cupping his cheek, the rasp of his beard against her skin a good reminder that he was here, that she had him back, “It’s all Peter Lewis,” she says, clenching her teeth, “And he’ll eventually get what's coming to him,” she leans forward and stamps a kiss against his lips, pressing her forehead into his, “Now, lets get you home and showered. You stink.” 

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and she kisses him once more before she pulls back. Their car journey home is silent, his hand on her thigh as she drives, and she can’t shake the sinking feeling that this isn’t over yet. 

___

Emily yawns as she runs her fingers through Oscar’s hair, the boy fast asleep with his head in her lap. They were back at their hotel, and even though he’d insisted he wasn’t tired, that he wanted to sit and watch TV with her whilst Aaron gave the twins a bath and got them ready for bed, he’d fallen asleep almost immediately. She’d considered getting him into the room he was sharing with Jack whilst they were here, but she so rarely got time with her youngest son like this anymore so she was relishing in it. 

She looks up as she hears a door open and smiles softly at Jack as he walks into the room. He was still wearing his suit from the funeral but he’d taken off his tie. He was taller than her now, and looked so incredibly grown up it made her ache. It was strange to think he’d been younger than Oscar when she’d first started dating Aaron. Her boyfriend's son who had also become hers, her love for him no different than for the three she’d carried herself. 

“Are you okay, sweetie?” She asks, still running her fingers through Oscar’s hair as Jack joins them on the couch, his sigh heavy as he sits down. 

He hums and looks around, “Where’s Dad?”

“Right now I’d say he’s trying to stop the twins from flooding the bathroom,” she replies, watching him carefully, giving him a moment before she prompts him, “It must have been strange for you to be back here.”

Krystall had been buried in the same cemetery as Haley, so they’d made sure to take some flowers to rest there, placing them alongside the ones she knew Jessica made sure were always fresh. She’d spotted Jack standing there after the service, his eyes fixed on his mother’s headstone and his hands shoved deep in his pockets. 

“Not any stranger than it is for you guys I guess,” he says, smiling tightly at her, “Do you miss living here?” 

She sighs as she thinks about it. The answer, as with most things in her life, wasn’t simple. She missed how it used to be, how this place used to make her feel safe until that sense of peace was destroyed for her. She’d worked hard to claw it back after Ian, with no small amount of help from Jack and Aaron, the two of them slowly helping her find her place here again. She knew that without them she wouldn’t have made it, that she would left much earlier than she ended up doing, but she would have been alone, not with the family that she had built around her. 

“Yes and no,” she replies eventually, always determined never to lie to him, “I miss the team, how things used to be with them, but I love our home and where we live,” she says, smiling when he does, “Do you miss living here?” 

He shrugs, “Yes and no,” he replies, his smile briefly wide as she rolls her eyes at his repetition of her answer. His smile fades and he looks down at his hands, sighing as he avoids her eye contact, “I’m sorry, Mom.” 

She frowns, her eyebrows creasing together as she looks at him, “What for honey?” 

“I know we had to leave because of me,” he says, still looking at his hands, “You wouldn’t have lost contact with everyone if you didn’t have to keep me safe from that Scratch guy.” 

She swears she can hear her heart crack, the sound reverberating around her head, and not for the first time, and certainly not the last, she internally curses a man who was long since dead. She gently shifts from underneath Oscar, placing a pillow under his head, and she moves closer to Jack, she cups his chin and makes him look at her.

“Jack, nothing about what happened is your fault,” she says, smiling encouragingly at him as she wipes a tear she knows he’ll deny existed later from his cheek, “You have nothing to apologise for. The only person to blame is long gone, and he can’t hurt any of us anymore. Your Dad and I…we did what we had to do. And I’d do it all again to know you grew up safe and away from it all, okay?” 

He sniffs and nods, “Okay.”

“Good,” she says, pulling him into a hug that he gladly returns, his arms fierce and tight around her. For a moment she misses when he was small, when he could fit in her lap and her embrace would envelop him, not the other way around. 

“Love you, Mom.”

She smiles and kisses the side of his head, “Love you too, honey.” 

___

November 2016

Emily paces back and forth in their bedroom with a cranky and sick Rose in her arms. The 15-month-old was the latest to come down with the cold that Jack had brought home from school, and she refused to be put down, crying anytime she wasn’t in the comfort of one of her parents embrace. Emily doesn’t mind, happy to stay up the whole night if her little girl needed her, well aware that the baby’s clinginess was something the was a comfort to them both right now, the weight of her daughter against her chest one of the only things keeping her grounded. 

“Mama,” Rose grumbles, pressing her face into her mother’s neck, as if she’d find the relief to her sore head and blocked nose there. Emily shushes her as she kisses the side of her daughter’s head. 

“Mama’s got you Rosie girl, you’re okay,” she says, still walking back and forth, hoping she could finally get the baby off to sleep, “You’re okay.” She looks up as the door opens, her eyes meeting her husband’s as he steps into the room looking every bit as weary as she feels. He walks over and kisses her cheek before he does the same with Rose, his hand on the back of the little girl's head. “Is everything…” 

He smiles tightly at her as she drifts off, the words dying in her throat, the now familiar fear that had been haunting them for months back in full force. Peter Lewis was stalking Jack. Following him everywhere, his own past imprinted on the 11-year-old through his obsession with Aaron. 

“I’ve double-checked all the locks and the alarm, and we have some local cops stationed outside until we know what we’re doing.”

She chuckles humourlessly and looks down, relieved that Rose was now sleeping, “Yeah,” she says, sitting on the edge of the bed, keeping her daughter secure in her arms, “Because he’s never managed to sneak past cops before.”

Aaron sighs, overwhelmed by guilt as he pushes his fingers through his hair, “Em…”

“I know,” she says, clearing her throat as she shakes her head at herself, “I know, I’m sorry,” she says, unhooking one of her arms from around the baby sleeping against her and offering it out to him. He joins her on the bed, sitting so close their thighs are pressed together, and she wraps her hand around his, “I’m just scared, Aaron,” she says, her lower lip trembling with the force of everything she was feeling, “He’s never going to stop.” 

He wraps his arm around her, tugging her and Rose into his embrace, his arms banding around them. He wished it was always this simple, that he could protect them all by just holding them, his embrace as safe a place as Emily had always said it was. He knows he can’t do that though, that he’d failed again and again to protect his family from a man who seemed intent on destroying them. He heaves in a deep breath as he prepares to say what's been on his mind all day, something he knows won’t go down well.

“I think you and the kids should go away for a while,” he says, and he feels her tense in his arms, her body immediately tight as she pulls back to look at him, her irritation at his suggestion immediately clear, “It’s the only way I can keep you safe.”

“No.” 

He sighs at her tone, the complete lack of room for argument, and he feels his heart sink in his chest, “Em-”

“No,” she repeats, harsher this time, anger for the situation and everything they’d been put through since Peter Lewis first set his sights on Aaron finally breaking free, “We’re not going anywhere without you. I refuse. I’m not leaving you here as bait for a man that wants you dead,” a tear falls past her lashline and he wipes it away, his calloused thumb soft against her cheek, “I’m not doing it, Aaron.” 

“He made me watch you die,” he says, his tone just as harsh as hers. He swallows thickly, his jaw tense as she frowns at him, her eyebrows knitting together. He’d never told her everything that Peter Lewis had done to him when he’d captured him, never quite able to bring himself to explain all the terrible things he’d seen, “He…you and the kids were dead. He tried to convince me it was real and it felt it.” 

Her heart aches, the thought of it enough to stop her from breathing, and she holds Rose even tighter, taking a moment to kiss her cheek, “Honey, thats all the more reason for me not to leave you here. If he did that last time, god knows what he’d do this time and I…” 

She doesn’t know how to explain it to him, how to put into words how this whole situation had shaken her faith in the system she’d always been a part of. The system she’d died for. How watching him get arrested and put in prison for something he hadn’t done, how he’d been treated by people he’d protected again and again, had made her start to question what the hell they’d both risked their lives for over the years. 

She knew he was right on some level, that they couldn’t carry on as they had been, especially now the target had switched to their children, but she wasn’t going anywhere without him. She knew if she did, if Aaron was left alone, that she’d likely never see him again. That the man who had been taunting them for well over a year would likely get his wish and kill him. She didn’t want to raise their kids alone, didn’t want to have to remind her 4-year-old son and baby daughters how much their dad loved them, fill their lives with memories of a man they didn’t remember because he wasn’t there to do it himself. She didn’t want to take Jack away from his father for the second time in his life, to force him to once again live away from him.

She didn’t want to live without the love of her life. 

“Either we all go, or none of us do,” she says, breaking the tense silence they had fallen into. She watches as he frowns, his eyebrows knitting together as her words wash over him. She places her hand on his cheek, “I am so done with what that rat faced fucker is doing to us, what he is doing to our children’s lives. Honey, they deserve to have us both, safe and with them.”

He nods, leaning forward to press his forehead into hers, his eyes screwed shut as he heaves in a deep breath, “It will mean walking away from everything. Our friends. Our careers. Our home.”

She nods, pressing her lips together to stop the shake of them, “I know, but we’ll be together. The kids will be safe,” she pulls back to look at him, her chin trembling as she tries to stop herself from crying, “And my home is wherever you are.” 

He smiles softly at her, reaching out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, “My home is wherever you are too.” 

“This job has taken so much from both of us,” she says, shrugging slightly, looking down at the baby in her arms, smiling at the innocence her daughter had. The way her cheek was squished against her chest, her face relaxed as she slept, wholly unaware of the danger around them. She looks back at Aaron, “I won’t let it take you.” 

He nods, leaning forward to kiss her forehead, lingering longer than normal, breathing her in before he pulls back.

“Okay.”

She feels like she’s been hit by a wave of relief, sure it would have knocked her over if she’d been standing, “Okay?” 

He nods again and hugs her, “We’ll all go,” he says, the feeling of her sagging into his side the only evidence he needed that he’d made the right call.

“I love you,” she says, turning her head to kiss his throat, her lips soft against his skin.

“I love you too.”

For the first time in a long time, it felt like that would be enough to get them through.

___

“Ok, boys,” Aaron says as they walk through the front door, “Straight to bed.”

Jack and Oscar's exhaustion from the long car journey home is clear when neither of them argues with him, both nodding as they exchange goodnights with their parents before they head upstairs. He adjusts his hold on Wren, the 5-year-old fast asleep in his arms and turns to look at Emily, who had Rose in hers, her face pressed into her mother’s neck. 

“We’ll take them up and then meet in our room?” He says and Emily nods, leaning in to press a kiss to Wren’s head. 

“Night sweet girl,” she whispers, not wanting to wake either of the sleeping girls up, “Mommy loves you.” 

They walk up the stairs and head into each of the girl's rooms, careful not to make too much noise as they go. Emily pulls back the covers on Rose’s bed and lays her down, grateful that she’d insisted the girls travel back home in their pjyamas, well aware that this would be what they’d end up doing. She tucks Rose in and makes sure her favourite stuffed animal is in reach and she leans down to press a kiss to her forehead. Rose stirs slightly, pulling the covers in tighter around herself. 

“Love you, Mama,” she murmurs, not even fully awake, but aware of her mother’s presence. 

“Love you too, Ro-Ro,” she says, using the nickname that Rose only let her use, “Go back to sleep, sweetie.” 

She smiles as she hears her daughter’s breathing even out, and she kisses her forehead again before she stands up and heads to the master bedroom down the hall. She sighs as she sits on the edge of the bed and takes off her shoes, groaning in delight as she slips the heels off and lets them drop to the floor. 

“It’s always concerning when you make that noise at anything other than me.”

She chuckles as she looks up at her husband, “Oh honey, you know you’re the only reason I ever mean it,” she says, winking at him. She raises her arm to offer him her hand, and he walks over, linking their fingers before he joins her on the bed. She rests her head on his shoulder and yawns, “I’m so tired.” 

He chuckles as he kisses her forehead, “And you’re not the one who drove for almost 7 hours today.” 

“I’m a passenger princess and you know it,” she says, wrapping both of her arms around his, hugging it to her chest, “And don’t act like you don’t love it.” 

He can’t deny it so he simply kisses her forehead again and breathes her in, the smell of her shampoo as comforting as it always had been. He doesn’t miss the desperation in the way she’s hugging his arm to her chest, the way she’s pressing her face into his shoulder, as if at any second he’d be torn away from her. He know that going back had been hard on her, on all of them. That seeing their friends again, all of them making promises as they left that he hopes they all keep, had been draining. Emotionally taxing in an already charged situation. 

“You ok, sweetheart?” 

She hums, squeezing his arm a little tighter, “I just keep thinking about Dave,” she says, tilting her head to look up at him, “He loved her so much and now she’s gone. What do you do with all that love when you lose someone? Where does it go?” She asks, sighing sadly as their eyes meet, “I’m not expecting you to answer that by the way I just…I just keep thinking about how I’d feel if I lost you, and it’s unbearable.” 

He pulls his arm out of hers so he can wrap it around her, holding her close and fiercely, surrounding her with his love to remind her she still had it. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Em,” he says, cupping her cheek and making her look at him, “I’m right here - you haven’t lost me.”

“I know, but I almost have so many times and being back there was a reminder of that,” she says, her eyes searching his, “I’m so glad we’re home.” 

He knows there is very little he can say to comfort her, that it will take days for her to feel like she’s on an even footing again, so he simply nods. He stamps a kiss on her forehead and then on her lips.

“Me too, sweetheart,” he says, kissing her again, “Me too.” 

___

October 2017

She’s only just got both the twins down for their nap when the doorbell rings. She curses under her breath and hopes Aaron can make it to the front door before the doorbell rings again, the chances of getting both Wren and Rose back to sleep if they wake up slim to none. 

She hears the front door open and sighs in relief, looking back at her daughters once more before she leaves the nursery. She hears the door close again as she walks down the stairs, baby monitor in hand, and she’s already talking by the time she makes it to the foyer.

“Who was that, honey? Was it the neighbour…” she drifts off as she looks up, her words dying in her throat as her eyes land on someone standing next to her husband who she hadn’t realised knew where they lived, “Dave?” 

He smiles at her, “Hi Bella.” 

She walks over and hugs him tightly, her eyebrows creasing at the sight of his black eye and the healing cuts on his face, “You look like shit.” 

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Nice to see you too.”

Any further conversation is cut off as Jack walks in, Oscar just a few paces behind him as always, and he freezes, “Uncle Dave?” 

“Jack,” the older man says, looking past him, “And Oscar, you’re both getting so big.” 

Emily looks at her husband, their eyes meeting in a silent conversation and she nods towards the boys. 

There was only one reason Dave would be here, that he would risk the protection they’d been forced into almost a year ago. 

“Jack,” Aaron says, making eye contact with his oldest, “You can catch up with Uncle Dave later, for now you and Oscar can go play.”

The way he says it leaves no room for argument and Jack knows it, grabbing his younger brother’s hand before he leads him away and further into the house, “Come on Ozzie, the grown-ups need to speak to each other.” 

As soon as they are alone Aaron suggests they go to the living room, and Emily watches as Dave looks at the pictures hung on almost every surface of their house, a soft smile on his face as he takes it all in. They all sit down in the living room, Aaron’s hand tight around his wife’s, both of them desperately needing the comfort, familiar panic climbing up both of their throats. 

“What’s going on?” Emily asks, “If you’re here that means…”

“Peter Lewis is dead,” he says, finishing the thought she hadn’t dared to verbalise, worried it was almost too good to be true. 

The relief is palpable, overwhelming in a way that forces her breath to catch in her chest. It was over. The man who had tried to break them apart was gone.

“You’re sure?” Aaron asks, running his thumb back and forth over his wife’s pulse point, and Dave nods. 

“Saw the bastard die myself.”

Emily can tell there is more to the story, a look in her friend’s eyes that he couldn’t hide from them, “What happened?”

They listen as he explains it all to them. How a new member of the team, Stephen, had died in the pursuit of Peter Lewis. How Dave himself had been captured, tortured with the same methods that had been used on Aaron years ago in an attempt to find out where they were. How Spencer and the rest of them had rescued him, and the final showdown that had led to the death of Lewis. 

Neither she nor Aaron know what to say, the story heavy as it sits in the air around them, creating a tension that rarely existed in their lives these days. There’s a cry from upstairs, one of the twins awake before she should be, and Emily immediately moves to go see her, but Aaron stops her, his hand on her thigh.

“I’ll go,” he says, the tight smile on his face enough to let her know that he needed a moment, needed a few minutes with one of their children to remind himself that everything was okay. She nods and he stands up, walking over to Dave, who also stands, and pulling the other man into a hug, “Thank you, Dave. I…thank you.”

It didn’t seem like enough, and Aaron wasn’t sure anything ever would, but Dave simply nods, a soft smile on his face.

“Anytime,” he says, his smile turning into a smirk, “Although I think I’m too old to go through it all again so you two better stay out of trouble.”

Aaron chuckles and nods, patting his friend on the back before he leaves the room, his footsteps loud on the stairs as he goes up them. Emily looks at her friend and leans back on the couch, blowing out a steady breath as she shakes her head. 

“What’s wrong, Bella?” He asks, and she raises her eyebrow at him, causing him to shrug, “That’s your tell.” 

She rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, “That’s what Aaron always says too,” she flashes him a smile, “I don’t know what to do next,” she says, overwhelmed with it all, with the fact they were free, “It’s been so long since we haven’t had to look over our shoulders for him. Fuck, I was still pregnant with the girls when this all started,” she runs her hands over her face, “I don’t know what to do next,” she repeats, not looking for an answer but unable to keep the thought to herself. 

“Do you want advice from an old man?”

She smiles as she sits up a little straighter, “That’s the second time you’ve called yourself old since you got here, if you’re fishing for compliments you’re looking in the wrong place,” she jokes, smiling when he shakes his head at her, “Yes, I’d like some advice.” 

“Don’t come back.” He says simply. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, it hadn’t been that, and she frowns, tilting her head at him in confusion. He chuckles, “Not that I don’t miss having you and your delightful personality around all the time, but the two of you seem happy. Happier than you’ve ever been.” he says, looking around the living room, gesturing at all the signs of their normal, happy life. Half-drawn pictures on paper strewn on the coffee table, photos of all of the stages of the kid's lives, brightly coloured plastic toys in amongst all of the modern furniture, “You have a life away from it all and as someone who has never quite been able to pull himself away, I think you’d be crazy to come back to it.” 

She nods, her lips pressed together as she thinks about it. She’s not sure she wants to go back, the mere thought of it, of reintroducing that kind of danger to her day-to-day life, and therefore the lives of her children, almost too much to bear. 

“I think you’re right.” 

He smirks at her, “Things really have changed, I don’t think you’ve ever said that before.” 

She shakes her head and chokes out a laugh, “Stronzo.” 

He places his hand on her shoulder and squeezes, his expression serious again, “I mean it, Emily. You both deserve this. I’m not saying you should stay right here, but now he’s gone you can go wherever you want.” 

It’s a type of freedom she’d missed. Her life hidden away for the last year or so as she waited for the other shoe to drop, sure every time that she heard a noise in the middle of the night that Lewis had found them. 

“It’s strange,” she says, smiling softly at him, “I’ve started from scratch so many times in my life, I never thought I’d do it again.” 

Aaron walks into the room, a sleepy but awake Wren on his hip, her tiny fist rubbing at her eye, “That’s a terrible pun, sweetheart.”

She looks back and forth between Dave and Aaron, feeling like she’s missing out on something as they both laugh, and she sighs when the penny drops. 

“I didn’t mean that,” she says, unable to stop herself from joining in on the laughter, the sound light and free as it fills the room, “You jerks.” 

-x-

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[dykehayleywilliams]

may I ask about the mitski curse or is it secret knowledge

*LONG POST INCOMING* It all started in 2016.

I've been a Mitski fan since 2014 when First Love/Late Spring premiered on Stereogum and desperately wanted to see her live. The chance finally came after I moved to New York; I had tickets for her show in February 2016 at The Knitting Factory. But then. A freeze hit the city that weekend, resulting in a pipe in the shitty apartment bursting so I missed the show because I had to wait for the emergency repair guy to come by. Okay, well that's a bummer, I though. I've been waiting for almost two years to see Mitski but surely I'll get another chance. July 2016. I was living in Texas for the summer, a few hours away from Austin, where Mitski had a show scheduled. Perfect! I can drive up to the show! My old, barely functioning truck can handle the drive! It did not. My car broke down two hours outside Austin.

November 2016. Third try to see Mitski in a year is the charm, right? Oh wait, I waited too long to buy a flight to my grandma's for thanksgiving and I had to fly out the day of the Mitski show because every other flight was $500 more expensive.

By 2017 I was starting to get worried. I had tickets to see her April 2017, but I got horrific food poisoning and couldn't get out of bed for three days.

I didn't get another try until late 2018 on the Be The Cowboy tour during her 4 night residency at Brooklyn Steel. Except Mitski's popularity had blown up significantly and I couldn't get tickets when they went on sale the first three shows. BUT THEN a fourth show was added, on a Monday night, and I finally got tickets! Perfect! Until I had a final project for one of my classes scheduled the same night that I could not miss without failing the class, and I desperately tried to find tickets for another night but none were available for under $300.

At that point I was convinced: I was cursed. There were no tour dates I was even able to TRY to make, and then in September 2019 Mitski played Summer Stage (two weeks after I moved from New York) and announced it would indefinitely be her last live show.

October 2021: Mitski releases Working for the Knife and announces a tour. The closest tour date to where I was living was 8 hours away, but I fought for my life for tickets and was determined I would finally break the curse.

I got COVID two days before Mitski's Denver show in March 2022.

BUT WAIT! Mitski was announced as one of the openers for HSLOT's European stadium leg! And my friends and I planned a bar trip to Scotland that lined up with the weekend of Harry's show in Glasgow! Okay, maybe seeing Mitski as an opener at a stadium show isn't ideal, but I was desperate. Except, of course, the stadium entry was a complete mess, and we didn't get into the show until the very end of Mitski's set. I had finally seen her live, but for 8 minutes and at what cost.

I wasn't happy, but I told myself it wasn't the end of the world because I already had plans to see Mitski at the All Things Go festival in October, so redemption would come soon enough. Then Hurricane Ian hit and my flight to DC that had a layover in Orlando was cancelled the day before I was supposed to leave. At that point, there was nothing I could do but laugh. Why did I think it would go any differently this time? No. I couldn't take it anymore. I dropped wayyyyy too much money on a different flight to DC with no layover. That flight was delayed by 5 hours, but I made it. Nothing was going to stop me.

Mitski's set starts. We're in the pit, I'm 5'2" so I'm on my tip toes, straining my neck to keep my eyes on Mitski. And then. Everyone's BeReals went off during Francis Forever and the crowd became a sea of phones. I was crushed. I had broken the curse, but 9 years too late.

[im-immortal]

2023 Writing Wrap-Up

I'm a little late this time around since it's already 2024, but I haven't done a writing wrap-up since 2021 and I thought it would be fun to bring back!

So this year, I was on quite a roll for the first half of the year. And then July rolled around and I started slowing down until it came to a screeching halt. Not sure what happened. Maybe it's my ADHD and constantly shifting hyper-fixations to blame. But I gradually managed to come back around just in time to post something for Christmas, which I'm still working on finishing. However, my hiatus doesn't take away the pride I still have for what I was able to write during the year. And I look forward to writing more in 2024! So here's all I managed to finish/get a good start on and post during 2023.

A Kiss For A Drink: 6,740 words; one-shot I actually started writing this back in 2020 or 2021, intended to be posted on Valentine's Day. And then I got a point where I couldn't finish it and let it sit for about 2 years. I finally came back with some inspiration and motivation and finished it just in time to post for Valentine's Day 2023! I'm really happy with how it came out. It was a fun idea that turned into a fun fic with a few laughs included, even if it is one of my least-viewed fics lol I had fun writing it too, which is all that really matters!

Lunacy Fringe: 62,690 words; 8/8 chapters To say this fic suddenly came out of nowhere would be an understatement. I literally got inspired out of the blue while listening to an episode of the Therapy Gecko podcast and the next thing I knew, I was balls deep in a psychological thriller. I actually managed to write it in just over a month or so!! Which is really incredible for me, especially considering I didn't step away from it at all or lose inspiration before it was finished. I'm really proud of how it turned out, and I haven't really told anyone, but I am working on converting it into an original story and possibly self-publishing. It could end up being my very first original novel :) the feedback I got was far more positive than I'd expected, especially considering how I portrayed Beth. I'm overall so so happy with how it turned out!!

Longer Than A Heartbeat: 157,289 words; 29/29 chapters Now this... this fic is one of my proudest pieces by far. I'll never get over how happy I am with how it turned out, and how I was actually able to finish it. For the last few years, every time I rewatched "28 Days Later," I couldn't stop thinking about how it would make such a good Bethyl fic, and how I wanted to convert it into a Bethyl fic that included Rick and Judith. I finally did it!! Technically, I wrote it in 2022, but I didn't completely finish it and post it until 2023. When I say I write for myself... this fic really proves it, because I go back and read chapters from it all the time just because it's so fun and I love how I wrote it. I was also pleasantly surprised by the reception and how people who hadn't ever watched "28 Days Later" enjoyed it! Not to mention, @boltthrutheheart made some incredible custom manips for me that I can never get over!!

hot girl summer (playing by the rules); 167k+ words, 16/30 chapters Ah yes, here she is... the companion piece to the first 3 fics of "in for a penny, in for a pound" that I've been planning/contemplating ever since I did that first fic from Beth's POV for the series. I always wanted to show Beth's POV for all the major moments in the series, and then once I got started, I figured why not go all in and just do her POV for the entirety of the series thus far? It gives a little more insight into how she's feeling, why she does the things she does and says the things she says, and we also get to see exactly what she was doing all those times that Daryl couldn't help wondering about her (because I already knew in my head, but I thought it might be fun to share with everyone else). I also thought it would make the set-up for the next fic a little better, so we could try and understand Beth's motivations better and where she's at in her head. Of course, I got pretty into it and then hit a speed bump and then suddenly, lost all ability to write. It'll come back soon, though. I can't wait to finish this fic and move on to the next in the series, and eventually conclude Beth and Daryl's tumultuous journey in this fun little AU.

Small Miracles; 39k+ words, 6/10 chapters This is the fic that finally pushed me back into being able to write. I had no plans of writing for BHF 2023, and then I suddenly had this strike of inspiration for a very weird idea and decided to go with it and try and finish it in time to post for Christmas. I did manage to finish about 1/3rd of the fic in time, but I'm still writing it and haven't lost motivation yet, so that's a good sign! It's also just really fun and kind of cathartic to do a new exploration of Beth's journey through the eyes of an older Beth who survived Grady, with that fun little supernatural twist added to it. I can't wait to finish this one, because I've had a lot of fun writing it and really look forward to seeing what people think of her entire journey and the way it will conclude.

To everyone who's read my fics, left feedback, kudos, bookmarks, or even helped me bounce ideas off and come up with plans for fics... thank you so much! I appreciate everyone in this little fandom so, so much. Y'all mean the world to me, and I am so grateful that we have this wonderful community in our own little corner of the internet. Happy New Year to you all, and I hope 2024 brings you nothing but blessings!

[sassybluee]

Dramas in 2023 roundup!

It's midway thru January, but it's never too late to reflect on the year before. I think I watched the most dramas I've ever had this past year, so I wanted to write a little roundup with my thoughts.

Here's an overview of the ones I completed!

Unchained Love (2022) ⭐️ 7.5

I've Fallen for You (2020) ⭐️ 8

Miss the Dragon (2021) ⭐️ 7

The Rational Life (2021) ⭐️ 9

Till the End of the Moon (2023) ⭐️8.5

A Romance of the Little Forest (2022) ⭐️ 7

Back from the Brink (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

The Starry Love (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

The Wolf (2020) ⭐️ 8.5

My Journey to You (2023) ⭐️ 8

Never Give Up (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

Ancient Love Poetry (2021) ⭐️ 9

Destined With You (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

Here are the ones I placed on hold/dropped

Legend of Anle

Love You Seven Times

Love in Flames of War

Only for Love (dropped)

The Snow Moon (dropped)

More detailed thoughts below the cut!

Unchained Love (2022) ⭐️ 7.5

Part palace drama, part comedy, this was a fun ride. I really liked watching the relationship between Bu Yinlou and Xiao Duo develop from friendship into romance. The comedy moments were really well done, and had me actually laughing out loud. The fight sequences were also really well done, and I liked the costumes. However, the last five or so episodes had such an abrupt tonal shift, and there were some questionable decisions made by otherwise smart characters, so it kind of fell flat at the end. BUT I would still watch it again, just maybe just skip the last eps.

I've Fallen for You (2020) ⭐️ 8

I didn't expect to like this one as much as I did. The basic concept is: childhood sweethearts try to find their way back to each other, end up married after a strange series of events, but they aren't sure their spouse is the childhood sweetheart they're looking for. It's silly, cute, and very good fun. I really liked the secondary couple as well. The ending managed to make me very emotional, which surprised me. And I enjoyed that the heroine was a fan of doing autopsies (something that does occasionally become plot-relevant).

Miss the Dragon (2021) ⭐️ 7

Okay, first off, I know this one has a reputation of being a bad drama. And tbh, I agree! Objectively, it's not very good. HOWEVER! The viewing experience? Was so fun. The characters? Very entertaining. The frenemy dynamic between the ML and 2ndML? Hilarious and also a bit gay. The FL is a bit flat, but she does develop more personality through her various reincarnations. My fave life of hers was the 3rd, I believe (the lady general arc). Wang Hedi's acting is not the best but I still think he's very cute lol and he's watchable! It's just maybe not what you'd expect from him if you saw CLJ or The Rational Life first.

The Rational Life (2021) ⭐️ 9

Yes, this was for a bit of a palate cleanser after the overall ride that was Miss the Dragon. I wasn't sure if I'd be into the modern cdrama genre cuz fantasy/historical is more my preferred vibe of media, HOWEVER, I wanted to give it a shot because I'd seen some cute gifs. I really loved it, far more than I expected to. Every character was really well done, and I really liked how the story was centred on women's experiences in various workplaces/times in their life. It also gave me age gap brainrot, I won't lie. I loved the gradual build from coworkers to friendship to romance with Qi Xiao and Shen Ruoxin. I will say tho... I would like to know what whoever dressed Wang Hedi in this show was thinking. Some of those outfits were... a choice lol.

Till the End of the Moon (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

Everyone has seen or at least heard about it at this point. Dare I say it's iconic? I won't lie, my rating upon finishing it was lower. I had issues with the pacing in parts and I found the last episodes difficult to get thru because they just didn't capture my attention the way the beginning of the drama did. However, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Plus, the performances by Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu are amazing. And I really feel they embody the "enemies to lovers" trope better than anyone!

A Romance of the Little Forest (2022) ⭐️ 7

Tbh... this show deserves less than a 7, but I rated it as such because I love my queen Xinxin, and her chemistry with Zhang Binbin was good. I think this would've worked better as a 24-episode drama, as the last couple plot arcs felt kind of tacked on. It's great if you want to see Yu Shuxin in various adorable outfits and a fun fake dating plot, but maybe stopping midway is good enough. Fair warning, the second couple's storyline was awful on several levels. Essentially, the man lies about being in a wheelchair to garner sympathy with his crush, who herself is partially Deaf. Yeah, it's BAD. Just skip all their scenes.

Back from the Brink (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

I really enjoyed this, especially how silly it could be. They really amped up the humour, and to me that worked well. At the same time, there were also some very heartfelt moments that made me tear up. I really liked the side couples as well, they were all quite likeable. It was just a really fun show from beginning to end.

The Starry Love (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

I really enjoyed this, up until the last arc. I found after that, it dragged a bit. To be honest, it dragged a bit in earlier parts too. What saved it for me was the humour, the relationship between the two sisters, the Void Realm subplots, and the adorable Di Lanjue. Unfortunately, Yetan/Youqin didn't really do much for me, but I still found them enjoyable at times.

The Wolf (2020) ⭐️ 8.5

This was a surprise for me. I didn't expect I'd like it much going in, but I still wanted to give it a try for my guy Xiao Zhan. I'd tried watching it before when it first aired, but I found the first couple episodes too cheesy. I still found them incredibly cheesy this time, but after about midway through episode 3 when the main plot kicked off, I found myself really invested. Fair warning, Xiao Zhan only shows up in episode 11, so if you're watching it just for him, you may be disappointed. Fortunately, I found myself invested in all the characters quite a bit. If you like messy toxic bitches, this is the drama for you. Warning: there was an attempted rape scene I found quite uncomfortable (though it's not played as being romantic, thankfully). There are a couple other dubcon incidents I wasn't a huge fan of, and one character has a miscarriage. Just things to keep in mind before viewing.

My Journey to You ⭐️ 8

Where do I even start here? Once again, I probably should rate it lower, because the story itself is a mess. HOWEVER, the characters, aesthetics, and cinematography are all excellent. The characters are really what stayed with me the most, and the episode focusing on Yun Que was devastating in all the best ways. The beginning episodes were also fantastic, the way the story unfurled. It just became clear in the latter half of the series that the writer had written himself into a corner and didn't know how to get out. Frustrating, but I don't regret my journey with this show (heh, get it). It's for that reason I'm not sure I can ever rec it to anyone, but I'll gladly talk about it to anyone who will listen.

Never Give Up (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

This was a fun office sitcom-style drama that I really breezed through after the horror show that was MJTY. Lighthearted with short episodes, it was very enjoyable. If you've ever worked in an office, you can probably relate. Once again, I'd like to speak with whoever dressed Wang Hedi cuz they made some interesting choices lol.

Ancient Love Poetry (2021) ⭐️ 9

Another surprise for me. I had tried the first episodes a while back and found it a bit dense, but restarting it this year I found it a lot more interesting. Maybe having more xianxia general knowledge helped me out. It was a really beautifully done drama. The CGI and sets were all superb. There was a whole host of characters to get invested in as well. It was a truly epic story from start to finish.

Destined With You (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

The one Kdrama on this list! I really loved the two actors, their chemistry, and the plot in general, but the pacing in the middle took me out a bit. I would still recommend watching it, as there was lots to enjoy. The modern with magic elements were really intriguing, as was the concept of past lives. I also like that the ML and 2ndML work together instead of constantly butting heads once it becomes clear who the FL will pick. The flashbacks to the past life were also really interesting--I wish we'd had more of that tbh! I'll definitely be looking out for both actors in other dramas!

As for the shows I placed on hold, I will likely stop lying to myself and drop them. But I might give them another shot before doing so. I'm still really disappointed by Only for Love, but I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Not even the power of Didi and Bai Lu could make me do it. It just got too frustrating.

Now, I'm currently watching Story of Kunning Palace, Royal Rumours, and The Last Immortal. I'm not super sold on the last 2, but SOKP has really grabbed me by the throat (just like Xie Wei to Jiang Xuening) so I'm glad to be starting the year off strong!

[avartwork]

Thank You

I mostly focus on posting my artwork on here but I genuinely want to say thank you to everyone who enjoys what I do. It's been a big year of healing for me.

Since 2020 my mental health has been the worst it's ever been. Constant battles with the deepest depression, anxiety and self-loathing I can ever recall experiencing in my life. In 2020 I hoped we were entering a time where due to a crisis we as people could come together and be better. I did my best for people. I supported, I shared, I donated but during my time of need most people I knew left me behind for their own gains. I lost touch with people I cared about and thought cared about me. My job was a nightmare. I lost one of the few places I had left to hang out with friends. We lost a beloved family pet. In 2021 I spent a majority of it on suicide watch. I just couldn't function. I was broken and struggling and it was a genuine fight to get to a point where I could feel like I was just "ok" for even a day. In 2022 my job hit at an absolute low where the anxiety, frustration and the constant reminders of how little the world cares about people caused me to have a complete mental breakdown. My wife and I suffered two personal tragedies back to back involving pets. I still struggle with this. Still feel guilt and worry that I didn't do enough. On top of just feeling like people who I thought I could talk to didn't care after a point and I was doomed to just always be a bit part in people's lives. 2023 started off rough. Another family tragedy, getting left out of things from people I trusted...but this kind of broke to a point where I said I was done and started focusing on myself. I started disconnecting myself from the things that made me feel miserable and started focusing on indulging myself in whatever silly nonsense I enjoyed and best of all...people seemed to like it. I've been drawing some of my best works this year, both personal and fanart, that I've been getting nice compliments on. I have a collaboration in the works that I'm excited to share when it gets going. My streams have been a constant bright spot of fun and I can't begin to say how much I appreciate everyone who comes by and hangs out to listen to me talk, draw and hang out. I've been playing the drums again. Friendships have been healing.

I want people to know that you can hit the lowest of low points where you feel like everything is absolutely hopeless and you can survive it. You can come back from what you think is the worst possible scenarios and you CAN move forward and improve. I couldn't have done this without the support of people. Remember the people who care and hold on to them the best you can. Remind them you care about them even in the smallest ways.

I don't know what 2024 is going to bring. I'm dreading the political discourse and just how unhinged everything has become but I'm going to keep doing my best to try and be a positive spot on here and where ever else I am. Doing my best to make people laugh or give them a slight break. But all I can say is that this is probably the first holiday season in years where I haven't been struggling as much and I am grateful for that and everyone who helped me get here.

I try not to vent online anymore but I felt this was at least a more positive one. Nearing the end of the year and just everything I've experienced has had me thinking a lot and I wanted to get things out. I hope everyone can find their way through whatever is plaguing their lives and making them feel hopeless and miserable. If I can do it, anyone can.

[spynorth]

little health update under the cut bc it is going to affect my activity levels both writing wise and ooc. mention of heavy subjects so. you don't have to read <3

so as some may remember from my hook blog, i got super sick in late 2021. It carried over into '22 and eventually led to me finally getting a lot of bloodwork, x rays, an echocardiogram .. literally all kinds of things. the only thing anyone could tell me was i was definitely sick and it was probably something 'minor' (i'm using that term so loosely) like a disorder or something that was no big deal. I've gone in for frequent labwork and things keep getting worse. It was actually my psychiatrist (not my gp. what a shock :| ) who looked closer and referred me to a hematologist oncologist. Sadly, the trend in my blood is getting worse. Despite meds, everything that should be going higher is still getting lower and everything that should be getting lower is going way higher. I got a test back yesterday and I more than likely am going to have to have a bone marrow biopsy (which. don't look that up. fuck.). They are thinking i have Primary Polycythemia which is a rare disorder (for my age group) classified as a blood cancer (again. perfect. not escaping the word lmao) since it involves mutated cells inside the bone marrow fucking up and going on the fritz. Thankfully, I have the best oncologist in the world and she's very thorough and though there are outliers .. survival rate if you get treatment is 14-24 years. That's not bad. It's 14-24 years of chemo rounds and blood transfusions and sometimes removing the equivalent of a blood donation every 2-3 days in the worst case scenarios but like .. you're not dead. so. i think that evens out. The unfortunate thing is survival is 1.5-3 years if untreated/treated improperly and I'm at 1.5 years since everything started. I have headaches, blurred vision, exhaustion, aches, bruising, incessant itching, constant nausea and I'm overheated like all the fucking time. poor hunter is always wrapped in blankets because when we turn the heater on it becomes unbearable for me. My blood pressure sucks for the first time ever in my entire life (I've gone from 109/60 to 150/100 this past friday) and when it pounds in my temples, it's hard to write. and to top it all off, my platelets are so damn high thanks to my bone marrow being fucked up and overproducing that I have to constantly worry about a stroke or embolism or something else just as sinister. So, hopefully, the plan is to get this show on the road and alleviate a lot of things and reverse what's been done.

My point in this is that I'm tired. I want to do things that sometimes my body won't let me do. I have moments where the little box in the corner of my mind I've stored everything in opens and I panic a bit. Am I gonna be grumpy sometimes? fuck yes. I'm not magic. Everyone has bad days/bad moods and you add stuff like this and sometimes i just want to punch things. so i ask for patience. both in replies and ooc communication. I want to talk to all of you. I want to hear about everything same as always, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to reply as quickly as I once did. throughout this whole thing, tumblr/writing has sort of been my getaway because its an escape that I can do while house bound .. and there's this little tiny part of my brain that keeps saying if I'm not active on the dash or making people laugh as much, that I'll fade away and be forgotten about. so i'm just asking that people please not let that be the case. i love you all <3

[eyndr-stories]

Across The World C1 - The Beginning

Summary:

The gods of this world are ancient, most of them forgotten, or nearly so. Nomen has been taught not to make deals with any old gods, should they be unlucky enough to come across one. However, when their little brother Maribus stumbles into mortal peril, they find they have no real choice but to accept the trials of one such god in order to save him.

This is an original story written by yours truly! I started writing this back at the very start of 2021 when I had a particularly wild and extremely vivid dream. This story is heavily based on said dream! This dream is also why I strongly distrust bunny mascots / anthro rabbits lmao but anyhoo, I think i've improved as a writer since this so the quality may or may not be quite on par with my other stories. I also had some help from my cool aunt Kerry with editing this, so if there's anything amiss here we can totally blame her lmao

That all being said, I do still like this story, and I hope you will too!! Enjoy <3

Things To Know:

major character death (its okay though, they live lol)

blood and violence

happy ending

protag (Noman) is nonbinary and referred to with they / them pronouns

first person POV

8 chapters in total, about 13,000 words in total. So roughly 1600 words a chapter. Lil bite sized chappys!

No swear words used, somehow

(lmk if i should add anything, i can't think of anything else)

Ao3 link here

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

C1 - The Beginning

     Perched precariously at the end of the world, my home was a very cold place to those who don't live there. It featured a steep staircase that spiraled down beside the face of a jagged cliff to an endless expanse of ice. To me any my neighbors, it was warm, made so by the people who lived there. We were always celebrating or giving a lending hand when needed. We learned long ago the need to keep each other warm.

     My brother was like our home; cold on the outside, but kind within. Maribus was achingly shy, never speaking unless spoken to and always keeping a wide distance from the people around him. But beneath his cold exterior was an eager mind and a gentle heart, especially with our mother, who had a way of melting his anxieties.

     Today was no exception as we happily sat with her at the front of the crowd, watching the parade. It was a celebration, of course. Every sturdy storefront had been painted a rainbow of colors. Flags and streamers fluttered everywhere and marvelous floats moved through the streets while performers ran into the crowds with bags of candy and small toys for everyone to share. Everyone was bundled up in colorful scarves and blankets, sipping big mugs of hot cocoa to keep warm.

     A flock of well-trained birds swooped into the crowd, their feathers a deep dazzling blue. My brother grabbed my arm, pointing excitedly at the birds. "Look Nomen! Those are dirodopafowel! They're very rare. Aren't they cool??"

     They were certainly very cool looking, even if I'd immediately forgotten their name. I snapped a picture with my camera just as Maribus leaned into the frame, making a silly face. I laughed and moved to show my brother the picture, but his attention was already elsewhere because at that moment, the star of the parade was making his way down the street on a float shaped like pillars of ice. It glittered in the setting sun, constellation patterns etched in lights along the sides.

     “It’s him!! I can’t believe it’s really him!!” Maribus yelled excitedly.

     “Easy, love,” Our mother smiled and patted his shoulder.

     I studied the man. He was the reason for this whole parade. I'd been told he had crafted a suit that allowed him to survive on the ice. He was here to explore the unknown, to chart past the edge of the world. As the float moved past us, I got a great look at what I realized was one of the most awkward men I'd ever seen in my life. This was the person that would transcend the limits of all people?

     "Make sure you take his picture, okay?" Maribus commanded.

     I tried to be more enthusiastic as my brother jumped up and down and waved at his hero. The man looked uncomfortable as he nodded and waved back, then stared straight ahead as though he'd rather be anywhere else.

     The float stopped in front of town hall. This was the building everyone had to go through to get to the ice. The man looked relieved as he climbed off the float and greeted our mayor, a tall, confidant woman. She turned to the crowd and gave a short speech, something about history being made, but I'd already zoned out. The adventurer smiled briefly before heading inside the building to suit up. We cheered, though I wasn't sure why since we wouldn't be able to see him actually step out onto the ice.

     My brother, with a huge grin and pleading eyes, turned to me and asked, "You got the picture, right??"

     Ah, shoot. Like our mother always said, I'm great to trust with secrets because I can't ever remember anything anyone says to me. While others saw this forgetfulness as the bane of my existence, I liked to see it as a good thing. I had cultivated a boldness, as though my poor memory was part of the plan all along. So technically, I did forget to take a picture of the adventurer for my brother, however, I had a better idea.

     "Not yet my man, because you're getting a picture with him."

     And sure, while my brother looked terrified of having a human interaction, I knew in the long run he would thank me. See what I mean? A good thing after all. I grabbed his hand and we snuck behind town hall, climbing through a not-so-secret hole in the otherwise solid barrier. For a moment, we clung to the wall and each other at the dizzying sight of a white sky and a steep drop into a foggy abyss below. We took a deep, cold breath and followed the long, winding staircase. Down, down, down, away from the sky, then through the thick fog until, with a thud, our feet landed on a heated pier.

   The fog was still thick as we walked the length of the pier and only thinned once we made it to the gate at the end of things. At least that's what it felt like as we stood and stared, our breath puffing into the air. We were at the end of the world. Neither of us had ever been this close to the ice that had defined our entire lives in this small town. The ice almost seemed to have its own language as it crackled and shifted, the sound of it made large and deep as it echoed unimpeded for great lengths. The expanse of ice was so large and infinite, it was like looking at a desert or an ocean. To my brain, it was impossible and beautiful. It was also cold as all f-

     “Excuse me, I need to get by.”

    We spun around, jumping at the voice of the very man we were waiting on. I admit, the suit was pretty impressive and complicated up close, intimidating even.

     "Brother. I mean... sorry, my brother, Maribus, would like to get a picture with you. He's a big admirer of yours, would you mind? We'll be quick."

     “Fine, fine, but hurry." The man spoke impatiently. "I need to be out there before it turns dark.”

     I looked down at my brother, who stood speechless and unmoving. He couldn’t take his eyes off the suit. I gently pushed him toward the man. "Go on, it'll be alright."

     My poor brother looked liked the chill had gotten to him. He stared at me numbly.

     “He’s just shy and such a huge fan,” I explained as I focused the camera on the two of them. “He wants to explore just like you, when he gets older.”

     “Is that right?” The man looked down at him, not unkindly. I capture my brother staring open-mouthed at the adventurer as he said, “Perhaps we'll meet again... on the other side.”

     Then he moved passed us, pushing the gate open and climbing down the ladder, landing with a clunky jump to the crackling ice. He held up a hand in farewell, then turned and disappeared into the fog that was quickly rolling back in. It was much thicker than before, and I worried we wouldn't be able to see the steps leading us back to civilization.

     I took my brother's hand. "Come on, let's get out of here before mom realizes something's up."

     My brother jerked his hand away and covered his face. "Why couldn't I talk to him? What's wrong with me??"

     "Aw, Mar…" I had never seen him this mortified or angry with himself. It felt like my heart was cracking the way the ice was.

     “Hey.” I pulled his hands away from his face and squeezed them in mine. “Nothing is wrong with you, got that? You were just nervous. It's a really big deal meeting someone you look up to. Anyway would feel that way.”

     We climbed the staircase in silence. These were the times I wished I could be as soothing as our mother. I never knew the right things to say or do to ease the coldness that could sometimes grip Maribus so tight that he closed himself off until no one could reach him.

     When we got home, he ran to our shared room and slammed the door. My mother glanced over, a question in her eyes, but I shook my head. It wasn't until later that night when I was helping her with the chores that we talked.

     “Your brother hardly touched his dinner. I even made his favorite soup.”

     I sighed. “Well... we sort of snuck over the wall behind town hall to take a picture with the explorer on the pier.”

     “WHAT?!” Mother nearly knocked over the mop bucket.

      I strategically moved out of her reach. “We made it back didn't we? It’s fine. But he got tongue-tied as usual and is super embarrassed and maybe feels like he messed up his one chance to talk with his hero.”

     “Never again. Do you understand me Nomen??" Mother's voice was low and hard. "Never again do you go out there. Especially not with your little brother.”

     I tried for nonchalance, even though inside I was shaken by how angry she sounded. “Okay, okay, never again.”

     When I finally turned in for the night, my brother was already in his bed with the covers pulled over his head. I hoped he was sleeping and not reliving his lost chance. I climbed as quietly as I could into my own bed and, exhausted, fell into a deep sleep.

     My dreams were troubling. My brother was curled up, frozen on the ice and I couldn't reach him no matter how desperately I tried. A full moon hung over him and when I focused on it, I realized it wasn't actually a moon at all, but an eye staring back at me. I stumbled backwards when the eye spoke. “Go to the pier if you wish to save him.”

     As the eye closed, my world went dark.

     My own eyes flew open as I sat up in bed, panicked and sweaty. The dream felt so real, and I shivered when I noticed how quiet the house was. A sheet had tangled around my legs and I kicked at it as I stumbled from my bed, crossing the room to where my brother was sleeping. I just needed to see for myself that he was okay. With a shaky hand I drew his blanket down to find only his pillow.

     My brother was gone.

[thefirsthogokage]

I'm so sorry to pull this from the comments, but my response is far too long to reply in the comments section. please, please do not go after this person, their heart in the right place.

I hope you are willing to read all of this, since it took me 3.5+ hours to write this and my brain is complete mush at this point, so I hope this comes off the way I mean it to. I tried to be as careful and thoughtful in reply as possible because I do believe you care:

So, first of all, thank you for taking the time to respond, and to let me know you have been a voice against Netanyahu and the occupation.

Let me respond to the rest of what you said with my own timeline with this since October 7th. Please know, I am not excusing rape and crimes against people that can't defend themselves.

When I first heard of the terrorist attack by Hamas and the other groups, the death toll of innocent Palestinians was also on the rise. I was saying "I didn't like the loss of innocent life for anyone." And talking about how killing civilians is a literal war crime, no matter who does it. And I have still stood by both of these things. Not on this site, but I have elsewhere.

But then, within 48 hours, the number of innocent Palestinians rose to well over the number of israelis dead. Disproportionate response is a war crime. Everyone I looked at was only talking about israeli deaths, and completely ignored both the Palestinian deaths happening then and since the beginning. Forgetting all the information that got out in 2021. Ignoring that the total numbers of Innocent Palestinians being killed dwarfed the number of total israelis slaughtered. I saw someone cut off their support to Palestinians entirely because of what a terrorist group did. I didn't have time to grieve for the israelis anymore, I had to educate and show support for the Palestinians, Jewish Palestinians being apart them. I didn't have time to mourn the murders of innocent israelis, waiting for a total number of their dead, because the number of Palestinians being murdered was climbing.

I'm not denying that they exist, but I have not seen or heard anyone talking about these videos you've spoken of. Not news outlets - who largely can't be trusted and are pro-israel, - not the trusted sources I have been following, not the people who have put themselves nose deep into all the videos coming out. Again, I'm not saying these things didn't happen, I'm sure at least some of it has, but I haven't come across them yet, and I haven't heard about them from reliable sources.

I have seen and heard from reliable sources of some of the stories of murdered israelis. But I have also seen footage of Palestinians fleeing their homes after being told to and being bombed along the way the israeli government has told them to take. I have heard of homes being destroyed with their occupants inside them, including elderly and babies, entire family lines gonnin an instant. So Palestinian babies and elderly in their beds as well.

I have also seen people who are also reliable sourcs with cited reports from investigations of IDF soldiers who have raped their fellow soldiers. I have seen IDF soldiers be gleefully talking about murdering Palestinians children. I have seen people saying that at least some crimes against israeli women by Palestinians were in debunked and were in fact crimes committed by the IDF against Palestinian women. I have heard for myself the Israelis who participated in the Nakba recalling their murders of Palestinians and laughing. I have seen the murdered Palestinian children, or rather the pieces that they are in being carried around by their parents. One parent only had their child's torso left. I didn't know what it was at first. Again, I have seen talk about the israeli victims, and I am not ignoring them, but I will elaborate on that more later.

The media reports that I've seen - and this is to point out my lack of trust in major media - of the forty babies and the brutally raped and murdered young woman have not turned out to have happened and had to be tagged "this has not been confirmed". The 40 babies has still not been confirmed, but the damage was done on that. The young woman I heard about being raped and killed by Hamas? She at least WAS alive at a Gazans hospital after being saved by Palestinian fighters after being shot by an IDF soldier. But with the bombing of hospitals that's happened in Gaza, I'm not sure if she is still alive. Again, bombing hospitals is a war.

AGAIN, I am not saying what you saw didn't happen, I just can't be sure you've seen what I've seen, so I want to make sure we're at least on the same page describing what we've seen. I do believe israeli babies have been killed. I do believe israeli women could have been raped. I am also aware that the same inhumanity has been confirmed against inflicted upon Palestinians in even great numbers, and again, the IDF has also raped israeli women. Again, that is no excuse, just a reminder of what imhas been proven to have happened.

Continuing on what I have seen, the videos I have watched of israelis coming out have either been protests from both Netanyahu supporters and those who stand against him, israelis having a good time and feeling safe, and israelis pissing on dead naked bodies of Palestinians after driving them over. Again, this could be my corner of the internet, but none of that could be happening right now from any Palestinian because a) they don't have time and b) ALL of Gaza is affected and c) Palestinians have been banned from protesting and fighting back, again, not that they have time.

To say that it's only israelis are experiencing a horror movie is ignoring that the Palestinians have been living in a horror-filled post-apocalyptic movie for over 75 years. And this is the most severe experience they've had since the first Nakba of 1948. They aren't the only people who have experienced things like this either. Indigenous peoples, Black people in the US, the Romani, and the Haitians, and many more cultures have experienced and/or still experiencing this too. One situation cannot be a horror while not saying the other one is too.

Let's also step back for a minute here. If you understand that israel is an occupying force, then you realize that Gazans are under the control of the israeli government. You know that they are forcibly kept in the Gaza Strip. The israeli government has said that they will stop the bombing when the hostages are returned (while also admitting they want to genocide the Palestinians). Israel has told Gazans to evacuate, but they can't because Israel has them blockaded and has bombed the ways out. So, effectively, Israel took the entire Gaza Strip hostage about 16 years ago (honestly way earlier than that), has been control of their resources ever since. In these past two weeks, israel has stepped up their executions of the Palestinians within that hostage situation from bombing daily to dropping well over six thousand bombs and cutting off their resources. The israeli government are going to continue this hostage situation after they get the remaining israeli hostages back. We know this because we know there is no way anyone could think Netanyahu will ever let any Palestinians out of Gaza again.

Also, look at the current death toll for Palestinians vs. Israelis. I have been writing this to you, but I still believe the confirmed death toll of the terrorist attacks and fighting by Hamas is around 1,300 israeli's to a last confirmed 6,500 Palestinians killed by israeli's terrorist attacks - which they are by definition. Moreover, the number of confirmed murdered Palestinian children is well over the number of total murdered israelis. As a reminder, Palestine has a population where nearly 50% are children. Out of the estimated number of deaths being close to 10,000 (because they really aren't able to count them all with how many are stuck under rubble they have no time or resources to go through) it's not unfair to guess that the number of confirmed murdered Palestinian children is way past the 1,500 last clocked.

Now, while all this is going on, Israel has cut off food, fuel, water and electricity.

An other war crime against civilians.

Reminder: Israelis still have food, fuel, water and electricity. You yourself still have these resources.

Who is killed first due to a lack of those resources? Children. The Elderly. Infants. People on life support. The immunocompromised.

The population of Gaza is already kept in poverty and malnourishment, how many of them do you think will last much longer? You said it yourself, Hamas has taken elderly and children. How many of them are lacking these same resources because their own government has cut them off to their captors? Now, I don't know if they were being fed or given water or not, but it's good principal to keep your hostages alive. But even if they haven't feed and given them something to drink - which at this point they probably can't - does that justify cutting off food and water to over 2.2 million innocent Palestinians as well? Many of whom also just want the bombing to stop and are asking "Why us, we didn't bomb you?"

I have not been putting "and the innocent israeli" "and the innocent israelis" "and the innocent israeli" because of the disproportionate murders and emotional global reactive response is largely being just on behalf of israelis. Most people are still completely ignoring Palestinian murders and their dehumanization that the israel government has actively participated in, using the same language Nazis did against Jews. I find it insensitive to the Palestinians being murdered under an order of genocide that the israeli government has admitted the are commiting numerous times these past two weeks.

The Palestinians simply don't have the time for us to talk about the israeli's murders while genocide is being committed against them every time we talk about said genocide. The Israelis are defended by the Iron Dome and are very much not worried to the extent of the entire 2.2 million trapped in the Gaza Strip killbox, half of which have been displaced from their homes. You yourself, as an israeli, had the time, resources, and safety to make these comments under my post. The Palestinians do not.

The Palestinian murder toll keeps climbing, and will continue to until humanitarian aid can get through, but even then, that won't be enough.

Think of if the entirety of the roles were reversed. And whenever someone made so much of a post talking about murdered innocents trapped in a killbox small strip of over populated land, someone comes along and says "But not talking about my people being murdered is wrong."

"But the murders of my people were also wrong"

"But the murders of my people"

"But the murders of my people"

All the while, the ones being committed genocide against are dying by the thousands and those people want me and others like me to say "and their people" about the people that are hell of a lot safer under the Iron Dome.

Families of anti-occupation israeli's killed in the attack have said on the news "they wouldn't want this, they wouldn't want this, they wouldn't want this." That the murdered anti-zionist and anti-occupation israelis wouldn't want their murders to be used to justify the genocide that israel is committing. These family members of the dead anti-zionist and anti-occupation Israelis aren't saying

"think about our dead family members and dead Israelis"

"think about our dead family members and dead Israelis"

"think about our dead family members and dead Israelis"

every time they talk about their murdered family members and the innocent Palestinians lives' being lost. They are wanting an end too, just like the loved ones they lost. They are not wanting their children or parents or siblings being labeled as martyrs for Israel to use as an excuse for their violence.

Yes, something had to change. Palestinians have tried again and again to make a non-violent solution happen. But at best, theose pleas feel on deaf ears. At worst, they were where shut down at the UN by my disgusting United States government officials. At worst, they have been legally prevented from protesting by your government. When non-violent solutions are all snuffed out, what's left is violence. I can't remember who said it, but it's the right of the oppressed people to fight back. And that's what happened. The whole world OFFICIALLY ignored the plight of the Palestinians, turned their back on them, and that boiled over for a portion of people that are not representative of the entire Palestinian people.

So, in response to this lost feeling it kind of sounds like you're experiencing: Keep fighting in the name of the Israelis who died who's families keep saying "they wouldn't want this, they wouldn't want this, they wouldn't want this." Please. The Palestinians - over a million of which are children - just don't have the time. This is an emergency. I know this sounds awful, but we will all be able to grieve and call out wrongs against innocent israelis again later. But this is a fight against genocide and we only have time to speak for the living when they're still alive. We only have time to stand up as non-israeli-non-zionist Jews, and anti-zionists and anti-occupation Israelis NOW and say this is not our religion to fight against the claims this is a holy war before all Gazans are murdered. Time for the entire Gazan population - Jewish, Christian, and Muslim alike - is running out as we speak. Their voices aren't loud enough without us.

As a Jew, I stand with innocent civilians, including innocent Palestinians.

As a Jew, I do not stand with the false israeli government.

As a Jew, I know we are not allowed to murder or steal, nor have our own land or state. (I hope this links to the video.)

As a Jew, I do not stand with sending weapons to israel to continue the genocide of Palestinians.

As a Jew, I do not want to be associated with the zionist state of israel, nor the nationalistic members of that state who hate Palestinians because they fully believe the lies of their government.

As a Jew, I have and will stand up for the Palestinians. They are opressed, so it's the most Jewish thing I can do.

Do not be antisemitic and associate Jews with israelis or the faith they claim to practice when they are fine with killing others, stealing their homes, and confining them to concentration camps.

Edit: Tell me you aren't a Jew but extra hard by telling me you're planning a military operation to kill even more Palestinians ON SHABBAT!

(link to post)

THE EXTRA FUCKING DISRESPECT TO ADONAI!

They are going to make Gaza even smaller, cull The population in half, and steal even more homes.

DO NOT CONFLATE THESE ACTIONS WITH JUDAISM!

BE LOUD ABOUT THIS ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA! CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES! DO WHAT YOU CAN TO SUPPORT THE PALESTINIANS!

[brooklyndadshow]

A chance meeting

I was picking up my daughter from debate club today. I love that she's at the age where she's started to do clubs and I did speech and debate in high school. My best friends in the world are from the days I spent doing clubs in my teenage years. I love the topic they are doing to - whether or not to abolish cash bail in the US. Of course they should and it's so important she get a view of the prison system in the US.

As I was slowly walking to pick her up I passed someone in the street. The face was so recognizable. She had a warm inviting smile and laughter that sounded familiar - but I don't think I'd ever heard her laugh or not frequently. Where did I know her from? She didn't notice me and she was talking to someone - I didn't feel in the mood to interrupt and I was on the way for pick up. Where did I know this face from?

It took me maybe 30 minutes for my brain to figure out that I'd never met this person in the person. It was my therapist from 2020 - 2021 who'd been with me through some off the more emotionally important (read: traumatic) times in my life. I haven't met a therapist in person since probably early 2020. It is weird to form bonds digitally- they are strong and impactful... It's another level to have most if not all mental health through web video. I don't envy mental health professionals - to connect with someone that you've never met is a skill - you're at so much of a disadvantage - you can't see the space their in, their body language. It's like a sense has been taken away from you. That's why the professionals that have helped me through the most difficult times are even that more impressive. I will make a point that I've also tried some therapists that were terrible! There was the psychiatrist that stole from me by double billing me - really man?! I looked for the black male psychiatrist in my insurance and found two and you're stealing from me!!! I say this not to discourage anyone from seeking help but encourage everyone to get the help they deserve - because I believe it's out there.

Part of me wishes I'd stopped and had a conversation and had the time to make the connection and I could thank her for how much she's helped my life for the time we were working together. I'm one of those people that's very superstitous about chance meetings. With te billions of people on this planet, with the millions of people in this city, what does it mean when we have a chance meeting with someone meaningul in our lives. I think it's an encouraging sign, a sign that our path was meant to cross another pass, the aggregation of the choices I'd made that day, that week, this month, this year, put me on an intersection path - it's not fate, because I choose to be where I am, it is confirmation that my choice me has on a path that has meaning. Does it make sense? To me it does. Well woman from my chance meeting - Thank you. May your path cross the paths that are meaninfully to you as our time working together was.

[sylverbough]

I made it.

A little personal, but, I wanted to type out something about my relationship to this game, and to this character. Maybe its because I know barely anyone follows this blog, and that no one will see it, but I want to. Getting to EW was a big deal for me. I started playing roughly around September/October of 2023. Since then I've logged over 1200 hours of time in game, a good half of that spent both roleplaying and doing my little photoshoots. It was a big deal because ever since I started playing, everyone around me who was into the game as well had already done it! It was the bar to reach. The "goal post" as it were. To see the MSQ up to that point, to laugh and cry all the way through the Hydaelyn saga. It always felt, to me, like this winding road ahead that everyone had walked and were walking along side me every once and a while, passing back and forth between the things they'd already done.

I, as a person (here comes the personal part), have had quite a rocky social life. In the past 4 years, from 2020 to now, I've gone through a lot of changes. in 2021 I moved out of my parents house for the first time, as well as moved states (florida to texas, texas to california). In 2022 I was living "on my own" (with a friend and a roommate) for the first time and was under the immense stress of trying to make ends meet with rent and bills and groceries. It put a lot of strain on me, and that in turn put a lot of strain on the people around me. I take personal responsibility, don't get it crossed or anything, and my lashing out from all the stress drove rifts between myself and a few people I regret it happening with. At that time though, I had been brought into an FC by a friend of mine, and it helped out a lot.

I met a lot of people in my FC (which I am still a part of!). Some turned out to be not so great, some I consider good friends today. Others, as I mentioned before, I drifted away from. For a while, I felt and associated a deep sense of loss with the game. Sounds silly, I know. But between life and taking a break just after completing Shadowbringers, it took me quite a while to get everything done. In that time I felt like I had become an island. Like that winding path I was on got a whole lot quieter. Sometimes, I still feel like that. But I try to remind myself of the community I've become a part of. Of the people I have still, and of all the happy memories I have with the game and my free company, despite all the bumps in the road. FFXIV, is a game you can play with your friends. And, I'll never regret doing just that, even if I'm not much of friends with some of those people anymore.

When I reached Endwalker, particularly when I got to Shalayan, I felt like I made it somewhere. I made it to that place it always seemed everyone else was. I was there, I had made it off the island I made for myself. I made it guys. Anyway, this was long and, very inconsequential to anything important. This game is very important to me. The memories and friends I've made playing Sylvie Belanger mean a lot to me. I hope to keep making more of those memories. To hear, to feel, to think.

[pronounrespector]

*twitter is on fire behind us and everyone is a howler monkey that is screaming* hi! How are you today?

Anyways, today’s question is what is your favorite thing to do with friends?

hi misty! I'm alr actually today has been the most relaxing day I've had in like a month I think so I'm doing good!

I think my favorite thing to do with my friends is probably play different video games with them (mostly fortnite) because I'm in a friend group of- about 12 people including myself. Some of us have been friends since 2017 some of us have been friends since late 2021 there's been people who have come and gone throughout the time we have all known each other but it's mostly just been us 12

When there's at least 4 people in one call it actually becomes really fucking chaotic. Thankfully we've never all been in one call together because we are in different timezones ofc (and to be honest I don't think my ears would be able to handle that) the most there's ever been in one call is probably 10 of us and by the time I got off the game I had like, actual tears rolling down my face at some point and my stomach hurt, all from laughing too hard

[coralsgrimes]

As I was waiting for my bus, I think I’ve connected the dots on these Benny interviews. Clearly he’s not saying anything he hasn’t said before, so why do publications still go to the hassle of publishing the same thing over and over ad nauseam? Clicks! Engagement! Traffic! The man in white is not mainstream enough to end up on printed magazines, but he does have a very devoted online fan base that will eat up anything he regurgitates like little baby birds 🐥 so yeah, that was my big epiphany lol I hope you’re having a great whatever time of the day Coral!

See I am no expert in this area lol I know as much as I read about or what I got explained to me like I'm 5. Also I love ye and have a nice day too or goodnight ;ccc

Every publication is for clicks but ye would see it more prominent lower the food chain like in some copy paste articles where they just quoted the stuff that was said to bigger publications. And they clicking cuz they clickbaiting ye with outta the ass headline. Remember the bulianne are dating article and then what followed was 3892 articles about twin flames bikini choices and other shite? That was cuz the original one was clicking hard, even locals came to have a look when fandom exploded

NOW! The problem with Benny's interviews is not only that he not saying anything new, it is that he KEEPS REPEATING THE SAME STUFF over and over WORD FOR WORD. It's a fucking script. The questions asked are the same or similar enough to each other so that he can repeat his lil stories. Everyone had enough during his EP promo and now we getting... the same exact fucking thing like it's a repeat of a repeat of a repeat.

Some of the questions/topics are agreed beforehand, all of them probably if me being honest. Plug in the show, maybe mention bigger names cuz he has no other notable work and no upcoming projects. Mentioned Andy G? Well this one would click cuz Benny was only trending while fangirls went nuclear on his ass in August and when Andy G said he lost the Caspian part... during his Oscar tour press. He and his fucking team are pushing for this. He been giving the same interview since September 2021 and some of the stuff is his go to 'personality traits'. Lemme repeat, as Benny would do!!, he is giving the same interview to different publications for almost two years now but some shite he repeats since the dawn of time. And there was nothing groundbreaking or chatter worthy in this since the beginning.

Who in their right mind would think any of this is clicks material? That's why them big headlines cuz the actual interview is shite lol

Like he has a fixed personality of EDuCatEd gentleman, three favourite musicians and two favourite films. He an empath and his dad been writing Christmas poems. He tired of playing villains and he wants to do romcoms. And he lives laughs loves. He's opening up and he cares not for what people think but he will still cry when ye give him criticism. I FINALLY GOT TO LIVE MY DREAM at 40 no regrets. The end.

I can't understand the point of any of this, it's boring and I can fucking assure ye it's not clicking as well. I remember the EP over saturation and the so called devoted fans were making the exact same comparisons I've been making. He just repeated himself every day for weeks.

He never brings anything new to the table like he just reads a script. He basically ai of a man right now. He has no substance and obsession about controling the narrative. Boring controlling and every time it gets more and more creepy cuz like if there are only 5 paragraphs that he repeats all the time cuz these were deemed safe to tell out loud, ye gotta wonder what and why he be hiding. yeee at first I thought there are juicy juicy revelations but now imma pretty sure it's just back to him being absolutely uninteresting person with numerous obsessions so he just took what fangirls told him is so cutsie heart eyes about him and he be running with this and only this ever since.

Soooo ye I agree that them mags want clicks so they just gonna go with his shite but on the other hand it's pretty obvious that Benny needs them to adhere to his lil script and he needs to enact his lil script AGAIN and AGAIN. Ye know so he won't slip on accident and say something fangirls won't like or god forbid people getting a glimpse into his super top secret oh so interesting private life??? That deer in headlights look....

SURPRISINGLY it's not the low tier pop journalism fault here, it's all coming back to Benny and his 'opened up enough' fantasy scenario. It's his lack of personality, dick and taste. And obvi his I know better attitude 🧚🏻‍♀️ That's why peeps speculate so much and why the twin flames shenanigans are/were so popular. Cuz otherwise he saying nothing, seems obsessed with keeping all under wraps and repeats the most boring heard before profile of himself.

Ye know just a couple of oldies to prove my point that we seen it before