#and i'm fatigued already

[tea-stained]

existing is so damn tiring sometimes a lot of times

[beatcroc]

pest control TWO!!!!! heres the first one

adn heres the obligatory bonus bc i can't help myself :')

[crookedtines]

Communicating with medical staff is its own special circle of hell. Do they even read your messages before they respond??? This can't just be my set of doctors, can it?

[lightasthesun]

hey guys where should I go to get checked out for chronic fatigue syndrome...

[egg-emperor]

so gonna be real I barely do life updates here anymore but I've got some bullshit coming up in my personal life that's not looking good. I said I was working on finding out what's wrong with my health from doctors and getting help for a bunch of stuff in my life in general and getting a support system and stuff and I was and it was going well and things were looking up

but now I've been forcefully inducted into some programme thing to push me into doing something I'm physically incapable of doing with my disability but it's apparently mandatory or I'll lose some of the support. I don't know why they decided I can when they know of my issues (and they haven't even recieved the form where they're supposed to be checking for my capability yet so wtf) but apparently there's no way for me to opt out and it's going to last for a year at least

and I've seen a lot of negative things about this program when I wasn't even seeking bad reviews, the majority is negative. so my life might be about to go to shit for a while and I'm already feeling miserable and it hasn't even started yet lol. this may genuinely badly affect my mental and physical health which I've been working so hard to deal with lately so it's very upsetting and stressful

I hope it's not going to take up all my time and I can still be as active as I want to be here because it's one of the things that actually brings some brightness to my life. I also hope all the stress it's going to put me through doesn't affect my behavior here and seep into what I do but I'll try my hardest not to let that happen because my blog is one of the very few positive things in my life atm

best case scenario is they realize I can't do this and take me off it but it's not looking good. that would be more likely in a perfect world where people could take invisible (well mostly invisible for me) disabilities seriously. because I'm not even that hopeful about the doctor stuff at this point, maybe it's just because it's taking so damn long for the referrals I need for them to check me out in the areas needed but I don't know if they'll even find out what's up with my chronic pain and or if I'll get a diagnosis

so yeah I think I'm actually just screwed and life is about to become even more painful and exhausting for me than it already is and a hell of a lot more stressful as a result but maybe if it leads to my health worsening like fainting in front of people again it'll be enough for them to see that this was a bad idea haha. I mean first of all my first meeting about this has been booked for me the day I'm literally taking an 24 hour ECG test because they won't even let the doctors try to finally find out what's wrong with me before pushing me to do this ffs

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Hahaha I can't eat at all today and I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up, why is my body this

[a-totally-reasonable-username]

Annoyed bc i'm just so so tired and can barely keep from falling asleep much less do anything but lie in bed.... Hmm i wonder.... *Checks blood pressure* *96/51* ... Yep that'd fucking do it :/

[chronicallyuniconic]

Chronic Pain/Fatigue & Cleaning

I generally clean in small, bite-sized amounts, spread across several days which makes it more manageable and allows me to stay on top of mess

Today however, I accidentally dropped some stuff, requiring me to use Henry Hoover, as it wasn't something a brush would clear up

The hoover/vacuum is like a final level boss fight when you have chronic pain and fatigue (for me)

It is SO HEAVY, even just pulling it around, not lifting with my arms. The back and forth across carpet feels like I'm scything grass, I'm using all of my weight to push forward and pull back the hoover head. Tilting my head down makes me feel dizzy, that feeling you might get on a rough boat trip.

Pain creeps in, crawling up my shins and wrapping around my shoulders

After I finished hoovering that small patch, I am sweating through my back, I can feel the beads slowly rolling down my neck & I can barely catch my breath. I feel irritated by the sweat, uncomfortable, unsteady on my feet, so I go back to my safe spot

I sit down, immediately my left arm and hand is tingling and burning, like when you've been lifting weights in repetition and the jelly-feeling comes on. Then it begins in my right arm & hand. There was still tingling in both hands 20-30 minutes later

I remember the before-times when I would dedicate my Sundays to cleaning, I could do it all in one day, preparing myself and home for the week ahead. That would mean dusting, polishing, hoovering, mopping, clearing dishes and so on

I can't do it like before. It makes me feel so useless & weak, another reminder that my body doesn't work like that anymore, that I'm not the same. It's frustrating to see the accumulation of "what I'd like to clean" and then realise the little amount I am actually able to and it makes me feel dirty. I can't remember when I was last able to clean my dishes

Oh to go back to before so I can just "be" without consequence

[salvadorbonaparte]

I need to get back into morning person mode. Morning person me was so productive and happy.

[primrosebitch]

one thing that's really fucked me up after becoming chronically ill is that my balance has become awful, like nowadays i have trouble walking in heels on uneven ground while younger me could do basically anything in heels, sometimes if i turn or stop too abruptly i nearly fall over, it's awful

[kirby-the-gorb]

[paradoxgavel]

the flu really starts hittin different on day seven of it

[siren-of-agony]

My sleep schedule this past week would bewitch some sleep scientists, I'm certain

[ratinthevoid]

why do we have summer already? last time i checked it was february

[minatalks]

cried while doing my physical therapy, but i got through it. how i'm gonna be able to do these new exercises 3/4 times a day is beyond me, but i'm done for today. yay or whatever

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

Bleh