#and i’m just scared with everything i manage (in spite of wanting to die die die kill myself) that like

[first-ex-wife]

.

[carbondioxda]

A cigarette

Simon ,,Ghost” Riley/reader

a/n: might contain a little swearing, i think i’m projecting my grief, english isn’t my first language sorry for any mistakes!

c/w: angst ig, hurt no comfort, no beta we die like soap aaand reader is referred to as she/her, no use of y/n

He sat on the couch, in complete silence. The apartment was so empty, it was overwhelming. Just like the amount of guilt he felt.

Why did he scream at her right before she went out? It was the only time she seemed scared before a mission. The only time she desperately didn’t want to go.

,,Pull yourself toge’er, for fuck’s sake, you’ve been panickin’ so much it’s makin’ me wanna blow my brains out. Yer gonna be fine, lovie!”

That were the last words Ghost said to her. The last he ever would. They weren’t meant to bite as hard as they did but it physically pained him to see her so scared. It was just a mission, just a stupid job, she’s done a thousand of those and nothing bad happened.

,,No, wait, I’m so sorry, Si-”

She stuttered, while another soldier pulled her slightly by her arm.

,,I love you Si!”

She managed to shout, but he wouldn’t have time to respond anyway. Now that he thought about it, Simon had never seen a look like that on her face - like she was certain she’d die. The girl he loved so much wanted to say a proper goodbye, or stay if that was even possible somehow.

He couldn’t even cry. Everything felt so normal here, like she’d come home any second and yet, his ears were ringing ever since Price called. Ever since he got the damn letter with the words ,,We’re sorry for your loss” burning a hole in his stomach.

The ashtray was dirty with whatever was left of her cigarettes. The milk wasn’t finished, which only she used for her latte’s. He bought her new shampoo a few days ago. A charger wrapped in tape was still plugged to a wall. She was gonna buy a new one, he recalled.

He was deathly afraid to touch anything. It was like he’d cause her to dissapear completely, even though she was already gone. His conversation with Price echoed in his mind from time to time.

,,I’m so sorry for you loss, L.T.”

,,…Was it at least quick?”

He spat the question out. He had to know she didn’t suffer. Price didn’t want to answer for a moment, then he heard a deep sigh.

,,…M’sorry”

The response made his heart drop. He wished it just stopped, the same moment hers had. She died a long, painful death, alone somewhere on a mission. He might’ve as well been the one that killed her, because that’s how he felt anyway.

It was unimaginable. He really would never touch her skin again? Hear her voice? Touch her hair?

He looked at the stupid kitchen counter. She’d always sit up on it on the weekends and make his coffee right when she heard him wake up, so that whenever he came out of his room, his coffee was ready. How the fuck would he be able to make himself coffee ever again without her to drink it with?

A wave went over him, weakening his muscles. He finally broke when he noticed a strand of her hair one of the pillows. There were traces of her everywhere, like she purposefuly wanted to haunt him out of spite. Remind him of his horrible words.

The callendar marked 14th September. It was already the 16th, but the world stopped on the 14th. How dare did the world go on, when his froze? How did everybody just live without her? She’d miss out on so much. He wouldn’t be even able to tell her all about it. It wasn’t supposed to happen, not to her, his girl, the only one that he ever allowed himself to care this much for.

Her death wasn’t something he could just…move on from. He’ll stay there, in that very apartament, still drinking coffee, with her sitting on the counter. He’ll smell her flowery shampoo everytime he’ll hold her. Charging their phones with that damn broken charger.

[kahlanmars]

BAD FEELING part.3

part.3 is here! I'm sorry, I know I'm spamming but I just like this fic so much and I love Haymitch and I love everything. As usual, english is not my first language so please have mercy.

Comment if you want me happy! *gif not mine*

MASTERLIST

Part 2

Too damn beautiful 

After dinner, Effie suggests you see the reapings in the other districts before you go to bed. It’s actually a good idea, because you don’t want to go to your room and think. Thinking it’s something you crave not to do right now. 

«Why are the last victors not here?» Your tribute asks, and it’s actually a fair question.

«Oh, President Snow thought they had so much to do with their wedding! They’ll be mentors next year.» Bummer, you could have used Peeta’s help. This boy is the mastermind of strategies at the age of seventeen. And Katniss… Katniss could have helped you with survival skills. You are terrified your mentor drinks his heart out not to see you two die in the games, not even trying to save you. No, he wouldn't. He would? You are not sure.

You sit beside Haymitch, far away from Clark that always looks at you like he wants to murder you. He has plenty of time for that in the arena, you don’t understand why he needs to be so open about it.

Your mentor is visibly drunk, but you know how to handle this man when he drinks and he actually feels safer than your companion in the games. And he smells really good in spite of his inebriated state. Like musk and whisky - and no one can deny whisky has a great taste. You want whisky. Maybe later.

Effs lights the television - followed by your “thank you, Effie” and the district one is displayed in his honour. You have to admit district one is beautiful. 

A young woman volunteers, she looks like she’s your age, she has a wonderful muscular body and shiny blonde hair. Straight out of an academy, probably one that was in line to volunteer when she was sixteen.

«She’s stunning and deadly.» You comment, mesmerised and scared by her beauty.

«You can look deadly too if you commit to it!» Says Effie. “Thanks for the stunning part”, you think, but it’s true. You can pass at “nice” and “pretty” if you clean yourself, but it’s a kind of prettiness that disappears in front of girls like her or your escort. 

«We will have another strategy for her.» Declares Haymitch and he places a hand on your leg. You thought he fell asleep, but apparently he is awake.

The male tribute of district one is similar to his female counterpart, and so the tributes of district 2 and 4. District 3’s girl is barely nineteen years old, crying her heart out. You get her. You want to protect this little girl, and it scares you. Same thing with the man of District 10, who has to be thirty but he looks like a middle aged man due to his hard work, and has a stare so sad you want to say to him everything is going to be okay.

«How am I going to kill these people?» You whisper to yourself, letting yourself go on the couch. The weariness is coming, you managed to be chatting and outgoing all day, consoling everybody next to you, but right now you can’t anymore and when you feel tears merging through your eyes you know you have to be alone.

Yours is the last reaping. You see yourself be called, in your pretty little dress and daisies in your black hair, jumping into Haymitch’s arms and then saying hi to Katniss and Peeta. You look distraught, almost in shock, while Holly is devastated. Clark has a stolid, imperturbable look on himself, like he knew. In comparison you are the weak one.

Well, in reality you are the weak one.

«I’m sorry, I’m so tired.» You excuse yourself and go to your room.

You are tired, but you can’t sleep. Instead you begin to cry, and at least you can do it alone, when no one watches you and judges you. You cry because it’s unfair, you are only twenty four, you can still do a lot of things. You wanted to be a teacher. You wanted to marry one day, have kids because you are terrific with children and now you are condemned to be a murderer if you are incredibly lucky, and killed in 90% of the possibilities. And everyone expects that you are on board, combative, competitive, lethal. You are not. 

You eventually fall asleep sobbing.

You hardly hear a knock on the door. You think of not opening that, but this could be Effie, and you don’t want to be harsh on her. 

You get up, as you try to clean your face from the tears, but your eyes are puffed and sparkling. You notice with a surprise that in front of you there’s no Effie, there’s your mentor.

«Haymitch?» You ask, your throat sore from the bawling.

«You are waking up the entire train, sweetheart.» He points out. If he was sleeping he didn’t change his clothes, he probably passed out drunk on the couch where you were two hours ago. You are almost ashamed of yourself for thinking “Still fine, tho”.

«I’m so very sorry, tomorrow I’ll ask for sleeping pills.» You reply in a light tone, as if anything is wrong. Maybe he is tired and doesn’t want to debate. 

«Mh.» He stares at you with his blue eyes. You smile like it’s everyday and you are still working for him, but it’s a charade and he knows it. «It’s ok if you lie to them, but I’m the one who has to keep you alive.» 

«Will you try?» You murmur, dropping the fade. You are terrified of letting him see the truth, because when you stop acting there’s no guarantee you can do it again tomorrow.

«Will you?» He shots back.

He knows you, he knows you have no combat skills and you can’t even kill the rabbits to eat, as you always let him or Holly do that, or you buy them from Katniss and Gale Hawthorne when you cook for the major. He has to know you have zero chances.

«I’m not a hunter.» You whisper as if you talk slowly and briefly it’s not the truth.

«There is more in the games than just being a hunter. You are a pretty thing, you can actually have sponsors, and you know the erbs. But I can do my part, for your part I need your collaboration. If you decide it’s not worth it, you might as well tell me now so I can accept this goddamn drink I want!»

He is raging, you’ve never seen him that way, not even when you are in his house and he storms in strongly inebriated. The first instinct you have is to say sorry, but you can tell it’s not the right thing to do.

«I promise I’ll do everything I can to stay alive.» You say instead, shivering from the fear and the cold, as you are standing bare feet in a nightgown. 

He seems to calm down, and he takes a look at you. «Tomorrow we will discuss strategy. Now go before you catch a cold.»

«Haymitch?» You call him before closing the door.

«Mh?»

«Thank you.»

You wake up early in the morning, take a long hot shower and then you choose a white dress. You don’t do a braid or anything, let your raven hair loose on your shoulders, and you dare to use a little bit of the blush and mascara you have found in your room. As you watch yourself in the mirror you can look at a doe eyed, cute sweet girl. It’s not much, but you think you can work your image on that. 

You leave your room to have breakfast, and you can see Effie is delighted to see you and even make you do a spin. You feel a little proud of yourself.

«That’s lovely, my dear! You look like a… a…» She can’t quite pick a word but Haymitch, sitting at the table with his glass already full, helps her.

«Princess from a fairytale.»

«A Princess, exactly! It is wonderful, my dear. And without a designer! You have talent.» She looks very happy, and that makes you smile. You like making Effie happy, genuinely happy. 

«What do you think?» You turn to Haymitch, and you hope he notices this is a way to commit. He nods.

«Come, we’ll discuss the strategy.» He seems a little tipsy. 

«Shouldn’t we wait for Clark?» You ask. You hate him, but you don’t want to be rude. 

«I don’t think you two will be allies, do you?»

He totally has a point. You take a cream puff and you nearly squeal when you taste it. It’s so good! You’ve never had something so good in your entire life. You take another. And another. The older man watches you with a smirk on his face that makes you blush.

«Talk! I can listen and eat at the same time.» You tell him with a smile.

«I didn’t want to spoil your fun.» He jokes. «So, you are not a warrior, or a killer. But you are good with plants, and you know who to cook and light a fire, and you are nice to people. It makes you bearable.»

«He is trying to say you are adorable, dear!» Effie steps in. You thank her, but you can swear that’s not what Haymitch wanted to say. 

«But doesn’t that make me look weak?»

«Could be, but you are strong too. You can carry me to bed when I can’t do that alone, remember?»

You nod. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens. 

«Strength and sponsors can save your life. Today you will meet the stylist to prepare you for the parade. Make an impression.»

«Thank you, mentor.»

«Don’t call me that.» He shushes you and he drinks. It’s barely eight o’clock. 

As you go into your room before Clark arrives, you approach an avox. «Miss Trinket says not to serve any alcohol before midday.» You say to him like it’s an order that Effie gave to you. 

You quickly arrive at Capitol City. The city is marvellous, and you go to the window of the train to wave at the people and to see as much as you can. You thought District 12 to be the least interesting, but a lot of people are waving and blowing kisses in your direction. You quickly understand that you are so lucky to be there at that precise moment, you have to act. You blow kisses, say hi particularly to the little kids, smile for the crowd. 

When you see Haymitch coming from the table, addressing his room, you catch him by his arm and point your finger in his direction for the crowd to see, as you continue to be Capitol's little princess, and when you notice Effie approaching you, you run in her direction to take her near the window with you, letting her have her five minutes of fame beside you as you preach her and give a little kiss to her on the cheek.

«What is that?» Haymitch asks you when he's able to go away from the windows. «They have to remember you, not us.»

«You managed to save not one but two of your tributes last year, I want them to connect me with you.»

«And Effie?»

«Look at her, she is so happy.»

He shakes his head, eager to be alone in his room.

Due to Katniss's marriage, Cinna is not able to be your stylist this year and the poor Portia has to collaborate with the two tributes. 

You have to go to the prep team, and you meet three weird figures. A man named Flavius and two women, Venia and Octavia. They are in typical Capitol fashion, with wigs and strong makeup.

The only man, named Flavius, watches your hair in displeasure and sighs. 

«Haymitch told us not to change your hair, sweetie.»

Thank you Mentor, you think. 

After what you think is almost an hour (you really didn’t want to know what a wax was), you are headed to Portia. 

When you arrive at the parade, you don't even look like yourself anymore. Portia is a genius. Your outfit is black like coal, but it's a long chiffon dress with a low - very low cleavage. Your neck and shoulders are full of black small pearls that sparkle with the lights. Your makeup is elegant, red lipstick and black eyeshadows. They added perfume, something you never had in your life.

You feel pretty. Maybe not beautiful, but pretty. Even taller.

Effie greets you with compliments when you approach your team for the parade, but you search the other tributes. They are so beautiful you are quickly humbled. Clark is there too, but you two ignore each other.

You are actually looking around when another mentor comes to you. District four. What the hell, it’s Finnick Odair. Even in the District you know Finnick Odair, because he is a celebrity. No, he is *the* celebrity. He is handsome, with a wicked smile and he wants you dead, you assume. You hope that Haymitch wants the other tributes dead. Does he plan to kill you when he is with Clark? Is he making his mind right now, deciding who to save?

«First Katniss Everdeen, then you. District 12 only has beauties.»

«It’s Portia’s work, not me.» You admit. Shit, maybe you could lie. You didn’t think about it. Are you panicking? You are panicking. For Finnick Odair. Well, it is fair. How is his hair so shiny? It’s not possible. Maybe it’s the sea water.

«Give yourself some credit, Pinecone.» He hands you something. «Want a sugarcube?» 

«Did you put poison in it?» You answer back, with a smile on your face. 

«Not before the games.» He assures. «I hope we’ll see each other again, Pinecone.»

«But you shouldn't…» You are talking alone, because he’s back to his tributes in a moment, leaving you confused as hell. 

You return to your team, where everyone is staring at you with a big question mark on their forehead. You can’t help but notice Haymitch, who got cleaned up. He is in a black suit and you immediately forget even the name of Finnick Odair. He is rough and he has to shave his beard and you absolutely adore him. If he doesn’t want to let you alone in the arena and give all the sponsors to Clark.

«What did Finnick Odair want from you?» Effie asks, and you can tell she is excited. She has a point.

«He offered a sugarcube.» You say back. You literally have no idea what just happened. 

«And did you take it?» She keeps going. «He is handsome!»

«Not my type, but yes, he is.» You manage to look at Haymitch. Oh, c’mon, you are going to die in a week, you can flirt a little.

«Look at you two!» Effie changes the subject and gives you and Clark the hand. «You are so beautiful! For a tribute. You are going to collect a lot of sponsors tonight!»

«Tonight?» 

«Since you are older, President Snow thought that you could participate at the party tonight. It’s not the right place for a sixteen year old…» Or a twelve year old, but she doesn’t say that. «But you are older, so why not?»

You can think of a reason or two, like that in a few days you are sent to die, but she seems so happy you just can’t spoil her fun.

«Come, it’s time.» Haymitch declares and puts a hand on your hips. Dear heavens. «I know your balance, do you want a hand with the chariot?»

You glare at him, but he is actually right and your tribute is not going to help you. «My knight in shining armour.» You ironically say back.  

«Tonight you stay close to me.» It is an order, not an invitation, and he is deadly serious. «You are too damn beautiful for your own good.» Your heart skips a beat. 

«Thank you?» You whisper.

«Not the right answer. The right answer is “Yes, Haymitch, I’ll be on sight”.» He seems raging. You are sure you didn’t do anything wrong this time. You look into his blue eyes for answers, but receive nothing.

«Yes, Haymitch, I’ll be on sight.»  

Why the hell is everyone talking in code at this damn parade?

[faded-neon]

TW: discussion of suicidal thoughts

He didn’t know what he was doing here. He really didn’t.

Leo was….well. He didn’t know if he was getting better. Sure, he was out of the spell. He had Perpetos. He was seeking out therapy, as much as a part of him saw it as a weakness. He had hope that his brothers would come back, thanks to Theatre. Nobody was mad at him for that decision. They’d welcomed him back with open arms, even. He didn't want to die anymore. He was.....trying to get better.

So why was everything still so fucking hard? Why didn’t it feel like anything had changed?

Now he was here. Still without his brothers. Still without a purpose. Sitting on a railing of a fence overlooking one of the Hidden City’s many canyons, with a tiny voice in his head saying that maybe he should just hoist himself the rest of the way over and do what the spell hadn’t managed to do so he’d stop being such a burden to everyone—

But he’d promised he wouldn’t, he didn’t want to, he just—

“Are you alright, friend?”

Leo startled, almost losing his grip on the railing as he turned to see…oh, that was a barn owl yokai, cocking his head to the side as he stared at the taller turtle in turn, his white facial disk somehow looking more stark in the Hidden City’s dim lighting. The owl’s face was filled with concern, and Leo took a moment to wonder why that was before clarity came snapping back.

“I….I know what this looks like. I’m not going to do anything.” A soft sigh, as he directed his gaze back towards the canyon. “At least….I don’t think I am. I just….”

“….why are you up here, then?”

Wasn’t that the question of the hour. Leo considered, for several minutes. Sucked in a shaky exhale, breathed out. Tried to ignore how his voice cracked over the words and revealed the scared, traumatized child that he was underneath all of his armor. “I don’t…I don’t think I’m supposed to be alive.”

“Oh. Why do you say that? Did something happen to you?”

A bark of laughter, in spite of himself. “Nothing recently. No. Nothing happened. It’s exactly the same as every other fucking night, lately. And that’s the problem.” He exhaled quietly, considering. “I think I was….meant to die. Meant to be with….the people who I was supposed to protect. That's the problem. I don't know....where I'm supposed to be. And I'm worried that I'm always going to feel lost."

There was silence, for a time. And then came the clicking of talons as the owl approached, laying a wing on the railing beside him. "Well. If you're lost, why don't you go get lost somewhere....other than where you've already been. There's a good place up the street. Sells bubble tea. We could go there."

Leo looked at him, askance. "We?"

"Forgive me, but....I don't think you can be alone right now, friend."

"So that's what this is," he spat out, baring his teeth slightly. "Pity or guilt or something."

"I don't think so." A soft hoot. "Might be fate."

".....why'd you come up here."

"I was up here too, once." At Leo's startled glance, the owl waved a wing, silently asking to continue. "Having the same thoughts as you. Only I was actually going to do something. I thought the same thing. Didn't see much of a point in living anymore, so. I was going to just dive in, lock my wings up. Figured the canyon was deep enough that nobody would have to clean up after me."

A shaky exhale. That sounded just like him, with that damn spell. ".....and what. Stopped you."

"Street vendor playing music that I hadn't heard before. Wanted to know what the hell the song was. More than I wanted to....well. And I've just kept thinking and feeling that there would be another night like that one. Like tonight. Where someone else would need to hear it."

Leo cocked his head, considering. "....I don't hear anything."

A kind smile. "Ah. It does take a while sometimes, my friend."

"....what if I never hear anything."

"Maybe you won't. But you won't know unless you step down, will you."

The old slider considered. Looked out into the night again. Exhaled slowly, quietly. "....yeah. Think maybe I want to. Now." He carefully slid back over the railing, standing before the barn owl yokai with his head bowed. "....sorry."

"Whatever for?" The owl was cocking his head now, chuffing out of amusement.

"Making you come all the way up here when I wasn't even really going to do anything. I just.....life's been. Hard. Lately. I was thinking about things. I don't.....think I would have."

The owl flapped a wing towards him. "Psssh. Don't apologize for feeling, my friend. Maybe you can tell me all about it over the bubble tea we will get."

A soft smile. "I'd.....I'd like that. Been a while since I had good bubble tea."

"I'll show you the way. I am Lysias, by the way."

"....Leo. And....boy, do I have one hell of a story to tell you."

[truckreincarnation]

Goodbye Girl... || 19 || Trial 1.7 || RE: Goodbyes.

19’s breathing was heavy as the group began their responses, a somewhat uneasy feeling in her stomach after she had confessed, it wasn’t that she was going to take back what she said, but as others began to say their goodbyes, to wish her well, to speak their parting words, and even as Vee hugged her, 19 was silent as she could barely manage to wrap her arms back around Vee.Why… why were they all just so quick to accept her death. That this was her end. She felt her stomach knot and turn, her vision blurring. When she had died before reincarnating here, it was quick, a strike of lightning and then she was out… but now she could see it, the end of the line, her imminent demise and no knowledge of how painful it might be. One thought echoed through her mind through all of this.

She didn’t want to die.

19 felt her body shaking, she let go of Vee and moved them aside as they stood silently, hands grabbing at her skirt and tightly pulling at it as if to hold onto anything to keep the panic at bay. She wanted them to stop accepting it so quickly… she didn’t want this.

The apologies and kind words only made it worse. She wanted so desperately for them to stop treating this like some kind of send off. Where was there rage, their anger, why did she have to bear all of this on her own. Did they even realise the weight of all this on her shoulders… they all had died once… did none of them understand the feeling of death looming around the corner?

“Stop it…” She finally managed to mutter out a few words, cold and scared, like an animal backed into a corner. “Stop it with the! The goodbyes and! The sorrys! And all of it! Stop talking to me like I’m already dead! I’m still here! I’m not dead yet!”

She felt like she would break down at any moment, but still… she wanted to afford who she could, what kind words she could still muster, they meant well, she knew that.

“I… treasured our time too Veebee… I’m glad I met all of you… but I’m not going to just… I’m not gone yet… Please stop talking to me like I’m already gone…”

Like she was reading her own obituary… that’s how it felt. A final hope remained, but it was a scary one, one that she hadn’t wanted to even consider, but something that lingered in her mind after the dungeon and far more after she realised that she wouldn’t live much longer if nothing was done to stop this ritual now. Maybe somebody would save her in the last moment before that happened, that would be nice but… well she didn’t want to die with false hope. All of that was cut out from her mind as Miles spoke up, a feeling of genuine relief rushing over her as finally, somebody, showed a hint of defiance, a hint of anger, a desire to reject the future that she knew was unavoidable. She wasn’t dead yet. He knew that.

A soft breath as she put a hand to her chest, calming what emotions she could, a shaky tone to her voice still as she spoke after him.

“I’m… I’m sorry for panicking… I’m just so scared… but… thank you Miles, for not wanting to just accept this…” She pauses a bit. “It’s all true… everything I said is true…”

A moment of gentleness as she sat back down, slumping in her chair somewhat as the nerves eased, the fear mingling with the feeling of powerlessness. She knew what was to come next… this would be her final chance to say what she wanted to… she didn’t want to let it go with this stubborn feeling of spite against people being so willing to let her go. She placed her hands on her lap and spoke calmly.

“I… I don’t know what’s going to happen if I die… I don’t know if that will be it this time, or if I’ll be reincarnated into another world… or if… or if I’ll end up like the guy we found in the marsh…” Ah, so that was on her mind still. “ The stuff he said to me… before we fought… it really made me worried…”

There was a moment of pause before she decided she needed to be very sure of her next words, closing her eyes for a moment, before directing her gaze up to Miles, clear fear behind them, but a sense of intent.

“Please know that I want to keep our promise too… I don’t know if I’ll wake up… but if I do and I end up like him… if I do bad things or lose who I am… Please don’t hate me. The me now don’t want that… I want to hang out again… I want to do your makeup again… I want to go and do things that friends do together because I’ve never had the chance to have a friend like you before… I’ve never gone to Karaoke with somebody, or been to a party before, I’ve never gotten to go to a beach and swam… I never went to a movie… I wanted to try and do all that with you cause you weren’t upset that the real me wasn’t as… good as 19.”

They let out a breath once more… looking down now.

“Vivianna isn’t as comfortable as 19… they aren’t as cool or popular… they like nerdy books and were so scared of people hating them that they made up a whole new person. They tried to be them whenever they could… and 19 let them meet people and be popular…” They winced. “Then they got hurt… they couldn’t see out of their eye anymore… they had a scar… and they were so afraid that people wouldn’t love them…” A pause. “But maybe if they had somebody like you in their life… maybe they would have had somebody who they knew wouldn’t leave.”

They were crying.

“I’m glad that this time… I won’t be alone.”

That was their words to Miles, but Miles wasn’t the only person that they wanted to say something to, they wanted to say what they could now before it was too late… they needed to get all of their thoughts out or they might regret it. First to Manami.

“Manami… I really wanted to be closer to you… you were so fun to be around and even if you’re a little strange… I really felt like I could be more like myself around you… I didn’t have to worry about being pretty or perfect… I could be silly… that was nice… so thank you.”

Then to Vee.

“And you Vee… you’re so much like how I was… I know its projection to some degree but well… I just really hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did, okay? And hopefully after all this we can talk more… I’d like to get to know you even better. If you’d like that too.”

Wishful thinking on her part… there were obviously others she wanted to say things to, but most of those words were best kept in private, and privacy wasn’t a luxury she could be afforded right now, so she finally addressed the group.

“Um… thanks everybody for… caring… and for believing me when I said I didn’t mean for this to happen… I know you mean well…. Telling me that you’ll miss me… I hope this isn’t it for me, that I do come back and that I’m not some evil monster… I don’t know what’s going to happen… I’m scared… but at least I’m not alone… so thank you…”

She silenced herself finally… taking a deep breath.

“I’ll… I’m ready for whatever’s next I guess… I don’t think theirs anything else I could say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…” One more final glance to Miles and a gentle smile as she does a cute little grin, a familiar one. “Stay strong bestie!”

[moemammon]

thiS THOUGHT WON'T LEAVE MY MIND AND IDK WHY 💀

ken u do a hc of how the brothers would react to mc playing russian roulette with other demons? 💀💀

The Demon Bros react to GN!MC Playing Russian Roulette

(CW: for mild angst and guns. But don't worry, it's just a realistic looking dart gun! But the Bros dont know that-)

Lucifer

Why can't you be normal

If catching his attention was your goal, you've fuckin got it

Not only does he swoop in and snatch that gun away where did you even GET THIS

But he's never letting you hear the end of it. "What if you'd hurt yourself? Did it ever occur to you that you aren't immortal? What sort of idiotic-"

You manage to tell him that the gun was a fake, but he doesn't calm down. He's seriously considering you stringing you up from the rafters for that stunt-

Good luck doing literally anything ever again without supervision because you're basically grounded. Hope it was worth it 😔✌️💦

Mammon

He's supposed to be making sure you don't die, AND THEN YOU PLAY A GAME WHERE THERE'S A HIGH POSSIBILITY OF DEATH

He's going to hoist you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and nag at you for the rest of your life

"I know I call ya a dumb human all the time, but I didn't think you'd SERIOUSLY be this stupid! What are ya, some kinda masochist?! Idiot! Fool! Stupid!"

He's mad at you. Ignores you even when you tell him the gun was a fake. No talk him he's angy.

When he does realize it was a fake, he does the whole tsundere thing. "Of course I knew it was a fake! The Great Mammon knows a real gun when he sees it! I-I wasn't worried about ya or anything, damn it!"

Yeah ok mammon so why are you still holding my hand huh

Levi

When you said you were going out to play a game with some friends, he didn't think you meant something like thiS

Can't you just stay inside and play video games??? You don't have extra lives irl MC why do you do these things

SMACKS that (fake) gun away and drags you home by the hand.

Safely secures you in his room so he can rant in privacy. You're not getting out of that TSL marathon that easily, MC. You promised!

"What are you trying to do?! You'll die if you actually mess up, you know that?! Was there really a bullet in there?? Do you have brain damage??????"

SO embarrassed when you tell him it was a fake. Keeps calling you a "Stupid normie, playing stupid normie games..." but also wants to know where you got that from because it was a really good replica and he could use it for cosplay-

Satan

And here he thought Mammon was the only idiot in the house of lamentation. Guess you learn something new everyday :)

He's eerily calm when he literally crushes that gun to smithereens and drags you away by the arm

He's pissed off, so it takes a while for him to realize that the gun definitely felt like plastic and was not real

So once he DOES come to that conclusion, he's embarrassed about how he reacted.

Especially since he went and wouldn't let you leave his room, and lectured you for an hour...

"Honestly... You really scared me, you know? But I guess you wouldn't be dumb enough to play around with a real gun..."

Asmo

Noooo don't kill yourself ur so beautiful haha :)

Kidding, he's full on PANICKING when he sees you're about to pull that trigger against your head

Whisks you away like a ballerina on steroids and rushes you to the nearest empty place, so he can check you over for injuries.

When he confirms you're okay, his hands on on his hips and he's glaring daggers at you with those big, teary eyes.

"MC! Do you have any IDEA how afraid I was?! What were you THINKING, playing around with something so dangerous! What would I do if my precious MC got hurt???"

Hella relieved when you tell him it's a fake, but he's still irritated. Next time, pick a game that doesn't look so unseemly! He was really scared!!

Beel

Boy literally drops everything, including the box of celestial realm macarons he just got from Luke

Picks you up and tosses you over his shoulder, yeeting that gun away.

He's convinced one of these demons taught you a horrible game out of spite. Maybe he should eat them to teach them a lesson?

He's determined to march you all the way back home despite your struggling and protests. It takes you telling him that the gun was a fake for him to stop walking and put you down

"...So it was just a harmless game? MC, I was really afraid. I thought you were going to get hurt."

You made him drop his macarons,,,, over a dumb game,,,,, his macarons,.,,,,,,

Belphie

You don't have the time to react before you feel Belphie grab the back of your shirt and pull you away. He's the only one allowed to kill you 😡

He's quiet the entire time too; an obvious sign that he's upset. And he just pushes you onto his bed without saying anything

Hops in and clings to you like a koala, squeezing you so tight you swear you heard something crack

".....I know it was fake. I realized it when the gun fell. But... I was really scared, MC. I'm mad at you."

His hold loosens up a little and he finally looks at you, and his face is red all over. "Idiot. Take this."

Enjoy dying by being tickled to death. You deserve it.

[casuallivi]

Hold up bestie, your bullshit is showing. A small rant about hypocrisy, Elain and the Elriel agenda.

You and I are not the same.

Here’s thing is: I love Elain (gosh, how I love this woman) and I love Az and right now they have the hoots for each other. And that’s a happy thing for me, who ship them 🤗🤗🤗

BUT

You can ship whoever you want, you can theorize whatever you want. You bought that book girl, make your imagination count! Not even the sky is a limit here, we have wings and winnowing! But do not dismiss the fact that they are in most likelly in love at this point like each other! Don’t patronize them, they are adults that liked different people before. They know what they are feeling.

That been said, if tomorrow they are like “Yeah, all this love game was fun, but I want someone else now.” 😊 and then Elain is like “Yeah, also, I don’t like the NC very much. I think I’ll travel a bit or move to __ Court.” And then Az is like “Yeah, also, I realize that I have all this respect for Illyria and I want to shake the mountain a little bit.”

I’ll be like: “Huh? Oh... Okay. I did not see that coming. I’m surprised but let’s go queen/king, I’m game.” And that’s it. If I’m still in love with them as a couple I’ll keep shipping, looking at fanart, reading/writing fiction, interacting with other fans, and this will be my crack ship and I’ll make jokes and memes.

Because I don’t know if you guys know this, but you can ship a couple without demonizing other characters for it to be possible. You can ship a couple without stripping other characters from their essence and twisting their actions and feelings. Hell, people ship Mor and Emerie just because Emerie said Mor was pretty and blushed! AND THAT OKAY! Give me all the ships!

But you don’t do that. You destroy everyone and everything to keep you boat afloat.

You claim Elain is boring when she hasn’t even had a proper POV. You hate on a woman that was barely flashed through the series and still managed to have powerful interaction with the plot and other characters. Without Elain there would be no exchange of letters with the human queens, therefore there would be no oops-the-book-was-accidentally-forgetten-here-what-are-the-odds. She survived the cauldron, she suggested a safe haven to humans, she faced a faerie hating family, she displayed her love even when the odds were against her, she told visions that happened, she hammered a knife into a king’s throat, she protected her sister and more. Again, barely flashed, appearing in others POV.

But all you chose to focus is that she didn’t plant some goddamn veggies. All you chose to focus is her “unworthiness” of a man because she allegedly can’t give him children OR whish for her to have said child just to die during childbirth. Because she can’t handle/fix said man. Because she is a replacement. Because she is nothing but a 3º sister. Because she is a sex-toy. Because she should go berserk to be interesting. Because she doesn’t belong in a court where she “squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of”(book quote). A court where she made a new life and friends. A court that she is willing to protect and “would do whatever was needed.” (book quote) 

An Az… where do I even begin?... You demonize Az for having the same  thoughts that other MC expressed about the woman they love. I dare you to show me one thing Az thought that Rhys or Cass haven’t. You say that he is too broken to be in a relation and need therapy (because Madja isn’t even a decent healer, but as a therapist she would rock it!). Say that he is a possessive beast as if Az isn’t one of the gentler characters thought the series (in spite of his horrible upbringing and his torturing side hustle). That boy drinks his respect-women-juice daily. But Mother forbids him to sincerely like Elain!

🧐 He can’t actualy like Elain, right?🧐 Because that would mean he likes someone that APARENTLY is boring, hate his scars, scare his shadows, isn’t strong, isn’t a warrior, can’t save herself, doesn’t accept all his sides, haven’t seen his worst, doesn’t know he sings, doesn’t let him sleep and make him unhappy. 🤨🤨🤨

You know, because all of these things just resemble Elain so much, right? RIGHT?

If Elriel doesn’t solidify further in the books I won’t demonize whichever partner Elain/Az chose to be with or wish for them to die. 

“I don’t like this character” is not the same as “this character is a piece of shit because of the reasons that I made up in my head.”

you 🤺stay🤺back🤺

gif by @honeysuckell​ 

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

I almost cried during that angst story, you did an amazing job and I am jealous of your skills-

…maybe a part 2 comfort story because cliffhangers kill me fhgjgjrjjf,,,,, and, I hope ur requests aren’t piling up too much,I don’t want you to be stressed about it!

The happiness can’t find me now 🤠

-💃

hehe that was my MASTER PLAN hurt you with angst so you'd request comfort!!! >:D /j i'm very glad you liked it, i had fun writing it!! please don't cry tho :(( anyone who wants to read Part One can find it here!!: A Fool ~ * ~ Wake Up (Part Two to "A Fool") Foul Legacy Childe x Reader Gender Neutral (pronouns not mentioned) Hurt/Comfort Warnings: Descriptions of pain, allusions to death and injuries, blood, bandages, hospitals, painful memories, crying ~ * ~

It’s dark here. Everything is faded, colors bleeding out from spite and sorrow. But you can’t place any of the shapes- instead, it’s like seeing static that’s barely visible. You can’t focus at all, but you know that your eyes are closed. Even in this suspended dream world, you need to wake up. The process of regaining thoughts and piecing them together is slow and dreamlike, as colors join the shifting smoke of your mind to add questions and answers. Where are you? What happened? Why are you asleep? Can you wake up? The answer to almost all your questions is simple: you don’t know. Except the last one. ‘Can you wake up?’ No. At least not yet. You don’t want to wake up either. It’s comforting here. Peaceful. You’re sure something awful happened, but you can’t quite place your finger on what. So you stay asleep, too tired to open your eyes. More color fills your unfocused vision, and then light joins it. It’s dim and silver, like the moon, and when it lands on you your skin warms. Texture is next to return, the feeling of soft blankets over your body, but also of sturdy bandages and dried blood- and the taste of it in your mouth. You remember the sticky, chilling sensation of blood rolling down your face and onto your cheek, and its metallic tang as you spat it out. You shiver. You don’t want to remember, but the thought of it sticks in your brain. You feel pins and needles in your arms and legs- little sticks jabbing lightly at your skin, over and over again, signifying that you haven’t moved in quite some time. You try to shift them to get more comfortable, but they’re still too numb, and stubbornly remain still like dead logs. The dim light from before shines brighter, and you begin to hear the indistinct chatter of people outside, the signature sound of Liyue Harbor at midday as people get lunch and haggle at shops. The room you’re in is quiet, but your ears still pick up voices talking about medicinal prescriptions. Ah. You must be at Bubu Pharmacy- something usually not out of the ordinary, as Dr. Baizhu was a good friend of yours, but normally you didn’t end up in what you assumed was one of their hospital beds. You strain your ears a bit more, and a low, rumbling purr filters through the noise outside. Is there a cat with you? No- cats’ purrs aren’t nearly that deep- Your eyes open slowly, feeling sticky and gritty, and you wonder if some blood dried on your eyelids as well. Your vision flashes fuzzy as the light shines, before you adjust and look around. Indeed, you are in Bubu Pharmacy, laying on a bed with pristine white sheets. You wonder how many blankets they had to go through before you stopped bleeding, and you shudder. Your ears hone in on the peculiar purring again, originating from your right. Carefully, you tilt your head just enough to glance across your shoulder. Ah, it’s him. Your darling moth monster, kneeling by your bedside. He’s asleep, almost as deeply as you were, with his head on his hands. Yet he’s still positioned himself ever-so-carefully, so he won’t prod you with his horns. You blink, eyes shining with affection, and reach out to pet his hair. But you’re abruptly stopped when pain shoots up your back and you fall back with a gasp, spine aching. Your gasp jolts Childe awake, and he stares at you, as if registering the sight of you conscious . Then he leaps up, chittering and clicking at a rapid pace as he scoots onto your bed in an effort to get harmlessly closer to you. Handling you like glass, he helps you sit up and takes your hands, bringing them to his face and nuzzling into your palms. You chuckle at his actions then wince as your lungs sting with pain. He whines worriedly, but you simply give him a soft smile. You remember now- the Fatui agent, his blades, your injuries- but you also remember the feeling of someone cradling you in their arms as they wept over you. Childe’s noises of distress fade upon seeing your smile, and he leans in to press his forehead to yours. You sit as he nudges his face against your cheek, and you realize he’s trembling. He was scared. Scared that you would never wake up, scared that you would die in your sleep, scared that you would leave him alone again. You gently take your hands from him and give him the biggest hug you can manage in your injured state, tracing the edges of the armor in between his wings. He sets his head on your shoulder, and something wet seeps into your shirt as he silently cries. But his shivering slows until he’s still, and he hesitantly wraps his arms around you to return the hug. Drowsiness begins to creep up on you, and your eyelids begin to droop again. Childe yelps in alarm when he realizes you’re dozing off, but you simply hug him tighter and snuggle into his chest. You feel him pause, then shift slightly. Something cool and soft lays itself over your body, and you vaguely register that he’s laid one of his wings across you. He drapes an arm over you as well, sharing his warmth to make sure you don’t get cold from the breeze outside. As you drift in and out of sleep, you feel a gentle vibration, and hear an equally as gentle rumbling sound, the sound of your monster lover purring, to stay by your side even as you sleep. And when Baizhu walks back into the room, he sees Childe, curled around you, and the slight, content smile on your face.

[mrpenguinpants]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

I love modern au. Or any “everything is fine, no one died, it’s just a fever dream” au. Half of me is thinking, damn maybe I should answer this serious- LOL HAHA no. That’s not happening. Time to crack my knuckles and let my brainworms take over again.

Once again, this is 90% crack 10% content. I want to switch up my characters from the last brainworm post but I included Kaeya and Diluc.

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Today’s appreciation post goes to twistedwishes. Hey! I’ve been seeing you pop up a lot lately and thanks for the support ��💕 I hope things are going better for you and you’re doing alright^^ I feel kinda bad for making appreciation posts on crack fics but hopefully this is somewhat funny haha. 

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Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: Roommate [V1]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

[Masterlist]

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[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

  @mikeysbike @hanniejji@unionwitch @musekala @twistedsunnshiii @stanzastic @akaasea @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz @dai-tsukki-desu @thicmitten @youaskedfurret @diaxfeliz @wintergreen-aix @dandelily @thegayrubberducky @lovelykittycatmeow @yuunoagivesmelife  @dokidokisama @simpygrimoire @minakohasmanyhusbandos @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess @yuu-yuukurotsuki​

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Diluc

Absolute pretty boy who has braincells, but only if Kaeya is not there. In his mind, Kaeya’s presence makes his room loose 40% of their common sense. He can’t prove it just yet but he’s working on it. He majors in accounting but also has a minor in marketing, logistics’ management, fia- he majors everything business related. He’s going to become the next Elon Musk through smarts or by getting the competition drunk. There can be no contest if he’s the only candidate. He’s actually a hard working guy that overworks and stresses way too much. You have daily “Diluc recharge” evenings where he just hangs onto you while you go through your day.

“Don’t fucking talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” except there is no coffee - he drinks grape juice out of juice boxes and his only energy boost is when he meets up with you - and that’s his constant mood. So he usually only hangs around you and Jean, since she has childhood friend status and is actually an angel. By default, Lisa is added and Diluc doesn’t mind her but if he see’s Kaeya, it’s full on war paint mode. If he's not busy with work or studies, he's usually with you either in your dorm or his apartment.

He has a fanclub and he seriously hates it and tries to do everything in his power to get Ningguang to take it down. Shouldn’t this be against his rights? But she refuses for whatever reason and makes a whole speech about free will. No matter what he does, someone manages to take a picture and it get’s printed in the university’s newspaper. The only bonding time he has with Kaeya is every Monday, where they collect and burn all the universities newspapers before anyone can get their hands on it. You always bring marshmallows to make smores during their arson activities.

“When I graduate I’m going to burn this school down to the ground. That’s not a threat it’s a promise.”

Ningguang

Is secretly the leader of the Diluc fanclub - not that she likes Diluc, she’s in a questionable platonic poly marriage with you and Beidou - but it was the easiest way to gain funds for the student council. Which she is the president of, so rip Diluc the fanclub stays. Ruthless business woman I tell you. But she can run in heels so her danger factor rises by at least 20%.

Majors in social sciences and law but more specifically the political science & government. She saw the Imperial State Crown that the Queen of England wears and says yes, that’s mine now. If she’s not with Beidou and you planning on “how to infiltrate the state government just for lols”, then she’s with Keqing, Ganyu, and Zhongli discussing student council things. Should they or should they not tell the student body that they can see everyone’s search results? Sit back and relax as the school goes into chaos. 

She’s probably the scariest person on campus No, she is the scariest person on campus. She’s the scariest person on campus. But secretly she’s popping 20 aspirins just to make it through a night. She has the digestive system of steel. She still holds the title of "seriously do not try and beat her in a drinking game it's never going to happen" and that's her proudest achievement in life but sadly she can’t put it on her resume. Kaeya is still trying to beat her out of spite but so far it hasn't been working. You’re seriously concerned for her when she get’s challenged but Beidou gives you a way-to-hard slap on the back and cheers her on. If Ninngguang somehow get’s alcohol poisonings she’ll somehow find away to make a profit out of it.

"I'll let him die, I'll get the insurance money."

Kaeya

One day he chugged too much mouth wash, passed out, and somehow woke up in university majoring in law. His idea is that if he is apart of the law, he can therefore stand above it. To be fair, his only goal in life is to say “I am the manager” and he can go live the rest of his life in bliss or as a hermit. He’s secret best friends with you but wouldn't be caught dead beside you. He will stab a bitch if you ever get hurt but will still trip you on the way home. Seriously, you have no idea why people find him attractive. Your guess is it’s the eye patch or the clap of his ass cheeks that keeps alerting everyone.  

He’s apart of the newspaper club and if anyone asks: No, he has no idea who keeps taking all the newspapers and burns them in the back of the campus. Originally, he joined because he was nosy and needed to join some type of club for his resume. He sometimes feels bad for his junior assistant Amber because he keeps tricking her and says that Diluc is secretly a demon that is trying to steal all the jobs and is apart of the lizard government hell bent on eradicating the human race. He even brought out a whiteboard for this joke, he’s dedicated to his job ok? 

The type of guy to try and be humble and say his work is “okay” but will choke a bitch if anyone agrees. He tends to leave everything last minute and says that it’s his drug since actual drugs could land you one year in prison and a maximum penalty of $2,000. You have to awkwardly hold in your concerned mother head shake when you see him speed running his assignment literally right when the professor is walking around to check if students finished. 

“I was taught how to lead not to read.”

Mona

Broke wallet #2. Zhongli is broke wallet #1 but Childe simps for him so is he really a broke wallet at this point? In this essay, I Mona Megistus, will explain why I have the rights to the title “Broke Wallet #1″...

Believes that astrology should be an actual career path but refuses to take astronomy as her major. I can read the stars not a textbook that tells me how to calculate the mass of the sun divided by the fucks I give. Instead she went into Philosophy and cries to Albedo, who is an actual prodigy genius- sir lend some braincells to everyone else please?, that her professor keep turning her paper down because “star reading” is not an academic source.

Fischl wants her to join the occult club because, surprisingly, Mona is very good at telling people’s fates through her crayon sketch ouija board. She thinks first year Fischl is cute but is put off by the cosplay roleplay that she has going on. She would join except that stupid hat wearing gremlin in her lit class would make fun of her if he found out.

You gave her half your lunch one day and bought her a doughnut "because she seemed upset" and "out of the goodness of your heart" whatever the hell that means. She thinks you pensioned it but once that thought comes she takes a bite. Poison from a doughnut is not the worst way to go out, classes are hard enough. She’s waiting for the lord to strike her down anyways. 

“Its not about passing, its about doing better than everyone else.”

Venti

Slept through most of highschool and people question how he got into university. He’s a music major (wow how fucking original is that), and if anyone asks him to serenade someone or just do anything, he’ll do it for the right price. Or if you buy him alcohol because he still keeps getting ID checked. He’s banking on Kaeya actually becoming a lawyer or being on good terms with Diluc so he can finally stop being arrested for looking like a toddler.

Takes one step into classes and quickly nopes out and goes back to bed. Professors have no idea how he hasn't dropped out or failed. He just has some god given talent. He does whine at you to pretty pretty please with a cherry on top tutor him because you're such an angel and would never leave your poor but awesome best friend hanging right? He needs to get this essay down but how he is suppose to explain how the number 10 is symbolic and connects to the universe or the meaning of life. Do you think he can just say it’s apart of his culture and make up some random myth to pretend it looks like he knows what he’s doing? 

He’s honestly going with the flow and put his brain on the back burner all of highschool and only now realizes wait, I actually have to use my brain?

He’s been banned from most club chats since Venti has the no chill card. Someone says “lol I look ugly today.” and he’ll respond "yup, you look like a cow." and he get’s banned. Zhongli keeps a speed run timer on his phone just to document these occasions.

"Sad spelled backwards is das and das how it be sometimes."

Childe

An actual dumbass that somehow does well. He eats sandwiches with the crust off, this heathen. Surprisingly he’s studying to become a physical therapist but most of his experience has come from breaking his own bones. You’re scared how he's going to be if he actually becomes a therapist. If he'll make bets with his patients or try to one up whatever crazy injury they get into. Everything is a challenge to him that sometimes the best way to deal with Childe is to knock him out. 

This man really knows the way to a Zhongli’s woman's heart. Through micro transactions. Mona saw him accidently drop $20 and just shrugged and walked off. She has never been both spiritually and physically offended in her life. She did take the $20 though. As much as you hate leeching on Chile when he’s basically a walking wallet that probably uses bills as tissue paper, you can’t help but give him puppy eyes while planning on how to get into his will. If he even plans on having one, he might honestly write “whoever wins in a gladiator style duel in my funeral’s tournament, they will get my fortune.”. 

Any sport the university offers Childe is probably in it. Which is how he met Zhongli, challenged him to a fight, proceeded to have his ass handed to him, got a backhanded compliment, and screamed to you he was in love and how he found his soulmate. He's secretly very sappy and has cried and watched every Disney and Pixar movie at least 28 times.

"IM NOT TOO SPICY! I’M A TINY BIT ABOVE MILD IF ANYTHING!”

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God if it isn’t Scaramouche, it’s Childe that ruins the aesthetic. This is why I hate you. Why do you people enable me like this, it isn’t even good. This is pretty much a @ yourself moment and I vibe hard with Venti. This entire post was just to make a joke about the clap of Kaeya’s ass cheeks alerting the guards.

This week might slow down since I have classes and assignments. My reply’s are gonna be late too, sorry;; (oh and thank you to everyone that was so supportive and nice when I mentioned it. All of you. Beautiful 💕💕 )

[neutinya]

Some relationships are you, a human, with a human partner, and other are you, a human, and your 240cm tall monster bf, but that's okay - !! I included their backstory as well as the setting up of the general context for this AU below the cut so if you’re interested,,, do consider reading it fhdjdj;;; I'm really happy with how this turned out and it's super fun to draw monster tooru and his 4 arms lmao I'm super excited for this AU;;; I really wanna draw more of it dndjjxjd

Iwa is monster-hunter royal blood. However he doesn't want to be heir to the monster hunter shit so he decided to run away the day before his coronation??

As a kid he would play with all the monster animals near the forest which is where he met his lizard familiar and llama ceb. The day he runs away he brings them with him??

The moment he ran away from his kingdom and title as prince he was immediately hunted down by hunters sent by his own family for dishonouring them the Iwaizumi name. Like he's straight up wanted??? ahhh

Somewhere along the way he meets Tooru and they probably wouldn't get along at the start

?? Like they meet at some weird beer house?? And Iwa obviously sticks out because he's human and humans aren't exactly super welcomed because of the history between monsters and humans. Iwa being oblivious to the monster world obviously doesn't realise why this four armed dude won't stop pestering him in spite of his attempts to keep a low profile.

Tooru had approached him because he was sure if he didn't step in, Iwa would have been killed

Iwa was initially extremely resistant to Tooru's "advances" until Tooru whispers into Iwa's ear that "I don't know if you realised but almost every monster in this beer house is staring at you with the intent to kill, so unless you want to leave this place alive, play along and let me get you out of here"

And Iwa just looks around the room and he realises that Tooru was right so he plays along and they try to leave but one of the monsters in the beer house walks up to them and asks Tooru to back off so they could kill Iwa, and Tooru is just like "no can do, he's a friend of mine" and the dude is just like "move." But Tooru is adamant much to the annoyance of the other. A fight kinda breaks out, but much to Iwa's surprise, Tooru managed to take all of them down with ease

As they go aside, Iwa just asks Tooru why doesn't he want to kill him like the rest of the monsters and Tooru is just 🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷 Iwa apologises for causing such a big commotion and getting Tooru involved unnecessarily. Tooru says it's not a problem and Iwa not really having that much money on him, asks if he could return him in some other way? He offers a family heirloom at first but Tooru is just like "Not interested, although how about you let me tag along wherever you're headed?"

Iwa’s response is just "???" Tooru says "look, you aren't getting anywhere in these parts as a human, if I tag along, you won't have to worry too much about being killed and you returned the favour, it's a win win."

So that's how they kinda go off on their journey!!! Iwa actually learns a lot about monsters from Tooru who seemed much more knowledgeable than he looked (no offense to Tooru but that was Hajime’s genuine first impression) There were so many different types of monsters and Iwa was just?? So amazed and almost excited that there were so many things for him to learn and explore??

Like okay they had a bad first impression but he was kinda starting to like Tooru as a companion, listening to way Tooru told all those stories offered him a comfort that he never had back at home

Tooru did most of the talking honestly but Iwa was always intently listening and Tooru could tell he was intrigued and super attentive so he didn’t mind

He did ask Iwa about why he was wandering around in the first place and why the hell was he just traversing across the land with no plan or knowledge of the terrain. Iwa tells Tooru he ran away from his family but neglected to tell Tooru he was of royal monsterhunter blood. Iwa fires back the same question and Tooru responds saying “I get bored of spending all my time in the same old place every day.” neglecting to tell Iwa the fact that he too was of royal blood, the king to one of the many monster kingdoms. (Actually one of the most feared in fact??)

I was thinking the four armed form isn't his real monster form but a less scary version, he's actually a huge fearsome beast but he would walk around in this form to blend with the common folk. This also explains why people don’t recognize him, because if they really knew who he was, they’d be terrified of him.

Tooru is extremely flirty and generally enjoys teasing Hajime. Iwa's lizard does not like Tooru at all. It would be sitting on Iwa's shoulder, breathing small fireballs at Tooru whenever the brunette got too close- For example, when Tooru tries to wrap an arm around Iwa's shoulder or waist, Haji’s lizard would get extremely angry and began attacking him. Tooru is super upset about this tiny little creature preventing him from getting close to his new human companion, but nevertheless, he learns to pick moments where the lizard is asleep to try and engage with Haji

Sidenote, Iwa is a really fucking good archer and good at knives. He may not have had the heart to be a monster hunter, but he definitely had the physical skills to be one if he desired.

Of course there’s a bunch of shenanigans, but honestly speaking there’s also a good amount of sexual tension?? They have a lot of moments where they kinda save each other, whether it be having run ins with unfriendly monsters or humans, to navigating dangerous terrain and making hard decisions;;

They grow to be rather close friends I would dare say;; In fact, for the most part, Tooru would be Iwa's first genuine friend :(( Iwa was never given the luxury of having friends growing up. He spent most of his time training to be a monster hunter or learning about them, which is why he grew super attached to Tooru platonically at first

Once they have a pretty mean run in where Tooru ends up seriously hurt;; Iwa was so scared that he would lose Tooru at that moment;; Tooru fake dies to kinda tease Iwa but he didn't expect Iwa to cry, so as Iwa is there like "don't die on me you idiot-" Tooru "comes back to life" and is all like "awww is Iwa-chan crying because of me?" And Iwa, embarrassed, just punches him in the chest and wipes away his tears like "shut the fuck up asshole"

Tooru is just like "ow- I may not be dead but I'm still kinda hurt you know?" And Iwa feels bad so he just tries to play it off like "that's what you deserve dumbass" before treating Tooru's wounds. They end up spending the night at this cave near a lake where they decided to stay for a few days since Tooru was pretty beat up and the weather was pretty bad

Haji pretty much nursed Tooru back to health, finding berries, herbs and all that during the day in order to make medicine and food

I think at one point Tooru comments "You're really good at this kinda thing huh?" And Iwa is just confused like "good at what?" And Tooru elaborates "taking care of people. Not everyone can make medicine like you do you know?" And Iwa just says it was nothing and he learned most of it from reading when he was a kid

Also like I said the weather was pretty bad so imagine Iwa curling up next to his llama and lizard for warmth. Tooru finds it so fucking adorable??? Clearly the two of them loved Iwa and vice versa, but he couldn't help but feel a little jealous at the sight uxjxhdh

So like one night he just casually says "you guys sure look warm over there" and Iwa just looks at him like 😐

"I gave you my cape you know" and Tooru just "Monsters can't regulate heat like humans do, at least not my species" That was a lie but Iwa didn't know that, so he kinda just looks at Tooru funny before scooting over to Tooru and lying down next to him. His llama and lizard follow, and scoot on Tooru's other side so Tooru is kinda sandwiched in between Haji and the pets. Iwa just mumbles a quiet "now go to sleep dumbass" and Tooru just smiles like a fucking idiot

Iwa quickly dozes off but Tooru not so much, when he was sure Iwa was asleep he gently drapes the cape over Iwa instead before going to bed himself

The next day Iwa is the first to wake up and much to his fucking surprise, he was pretty much incapable of moving because Tooru had somehow wound up hugging him with two of his arms. He was so embarrassed he thought he could die so he could only stay there and not do anything. After while he realises that staying like that could only mean more mental suffering so he slowly tries inching away from Tooru to which he eventually succeeds

He does his morning routine which was to look for berries and herbs because Tooru needed quite a bit of medicine. Tooru was definitely close to being back to his healthy normal self but he still needed to make sure that everything was in check

[bt-writing]

Windblume Confession

Diluc x gn!Reader

A/N: i feel so bad posting this with inazuma and all the new content... no one cares abt the windblume festival rn its 2.0 lolol. i wrote this during the windblume festival and thought i’d also share it on here. windblume plot doesn’t really have that much to do with the story itself so its whatever

warnings: cringe... but none

SFW

word count: 1.3k

summary: You fall victim to venti's schemes and are now on your way to confess to Diluc.

"Oh, Barbatos, I can't do this. This was stupid to begin with."

Your heart felt tight in your chest as you walked. Clammy hands fiddled around a bouquet of freshly picked small lamp grass. The blue petals were illuminated in the moonlight that shined down on Mondstadt. Small lamp grass always had a gentle, refreshing floral scent when it was picked, but you did not feel refreshed in the slightest. In fact, you were more than ready to throw up.

The Windblume Festival in Mondstadt was the designated time of year for romantic endeavors and confessions to occur. It was a time of independence, freedom, and love for the city. You planned to spend this year enjoying the culture and activities offered, but the Archons seemed to have other divine plans for you instead. The Archon, Barbatos, to be specific.

In order to make some quick cash for alcohol, Venti had been offering romantic poetry lessons to the citizens wishing to convey their feelings to their sweetheart or lover-to-be. You had no intentions of partaking in the romantic side of the festival, but a certain Cavalry Captain had managed to get you involved. Venti wanted wine from Kaeya, who would procure it from Diluc. Kaeya was unsure if he would actually be able to get the "payment" from Diluc, so he snitched on your feelings for the bartender to Venti.

Venti saw your struggle as potential—for more wine, that is. He decided to kill two birds with one stone, and now you were on your way to confess your love to the Dawn Winery's tycoon himself. Of course, part of you was doing this willingly.

It's become almost painful to be around Diluc lately. Your thoughts always became distracted when you were around him, and you're unable to focus during work and commissions at times due to thinking about him. He sent butterflies swarming into your stomach just from meeting his eyes, and his fire wasn't needed to make your cheeks flare red from heat. It was embarrassing how much of a wreck he made you.

You figured that finally confessing your feelings to Diluc was for the best, and maybe this push from Venti was exactly what you needed to get over him. There really was no harm in confessing. Having a crush on someone was akin to complimenting them. It meant you respected and admired them as a person. The only down side to confessing was the chance of rejection, which could put a strain on your relationship with Diluc and make things tense. Diluc was known to have antisocial tendencies, so maybe he would feel too awkward every time he saw you and end up avoiding you entirely.

But, it was too late to let that wonderful pep talk steer you away from your destination himself. Diluc had walked out of the Angel's Share bar and locked the door. He turned around and found your eyes staring at his. It had obviously been a busy night at the bar, as Diluc only ever put his beautiful hair in a high ponytail on busy nights. The moon's soft luminescence served to highlight the light flush on his cheeks. Diluc's smile was gentle and warm as he raised a gloved hand to greet you.

That kind smile felt like an arrow being shot into your stomach, causing you to inhale sharply. There was no turning back now. You softly cradled the bouquet to your chest with one arm, and raised the other arm to return his greeting. Reluctantly, your legs slowly began to make their way towards him.

"What are you doing out this late, (Y/N)?" Diluc questioned. His eyes glanced over the bouquet you carried, but refrained from asking anything about it. You bit the inside of your cheek for a second, thinking about the words you would use to end your favorite friendship. You took in a deep breath.

"I came to talk to you about something, actually. Do you have a few minutes to spare? I know it's pretty late."

"I do. What do you need?" He stood looking down at you. Your body was hot and fidgety under his gaze. It wasn't even an option to continue looking at his expecting eyes, so you settled on giving your speech to his boots.

"Diluc... I know you're a busy man with a large burden put on your shoulders. I see how hard you work for the winery, and you're always so diligent." You nervously played with the parchment wrapping around the bouquet you held. "You take care of everything almost effortlessly, but I know you probably put a lot of stress on yourself to make it seem that way, and I really respect you for it. I respect how you treat your workers with kindness and put their needs above yours... You have such a kind heart to everyone, including me. For as long as I've known you, I've always seen you put others before yourself, like staying out late and putting yourself at risk for the sake of Mondstadt." You paused for a second to breathe deeply, the heavy silence quickly scaring you back into talking.

"I really do...think very highly of you." Your cheeks hurt from how hot they were. "But, the more I got to know you, I recognized other things about you. You have every reason to be cold and spiteful, yet you continue to have the most loving heart out of anyone I've met. You're selfless and brave, and you never expect anyone to thank you. Lately, I'm unable to focus around you anymore. Whenever I'm with you, I feel so giddy that I don't know what to do with myself. You make me feel so safe and happy, no matter where we are or what we're doing. With every moment I spend with you, Diluc, I just...

"I realize how in love with you I am!"

It was terribly quiet now, and your heart was beating so fast that you expected to start seeing dots any second. You had said your feelings to Diluc, and there was no going back. You expected an awkward cutoff at some point to save you from the embarrassment of an unreciprocating rejection, or at least a quick, curt response, but neither seemed to come. Some time had passed after your confession, so you decided to look up at Diluc's face.

When you met Diluc's scarlet eyes, you immediately saw the dark red blush that covered the poor man's surprised face. If you didn't feel that exact same heat on your own face, you probably would have thought it was the cutest thing in the entire world. Your own eyes stared into his bright red ones for what felt like an eternity, until he finally opened his mouth to respond. "You sure know how to catch me off-guard, (Y/N)." He chuckled softly, his words doing nothing to dismiss the rocks settling in your stomach. It felt like you would die if he didn't give you a proper response soon.

Diluc stepped towards you, quickly closing the distance between your bodies. He leaned down and brought his hand up to your hair, brushing it back. Soft lips pressed gently against your forehead and another hand moved to cup the side of your jaw. Your eyes went wide and your mouth opened slightly in surprise. Diluc removed his lips and stood up straight, taking your hand in his and tracing your knuckles with his thumb.

"I'm sorry I made you confess first, (Y/N)… I've shared your feelings for a long time. Hearing you say those words—I genuinely thought I was in a dream." His sweet laugh fell out of from his lips once again. This time, instead of making you feel heavy, you decided it was your new favorite sound—one that made you feel light and free. His laugh was the perfect sound for the Windblume Festival.

[hawks-supremacy]

Rubik's Cube of Emotions

Summary: You, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi used to be great friends but then one day it stopped. You and Tsuki are forced to confront each other when your new friend Yachi convinces you to be the new co-managers of the Karasuno volleyball team. (angst, fluff)

warnings: eating disorder, swearing, bullying?

genre: angst to fluff

word count: 2.2k

a/n: day 1 of attempting to write everyday until my birthday. Fun fact: I don't even like Tsukishima that much but my cousin hates him so I wrote it out of spite? Idk I don't like him but I see the appeal.

You were sitting in the library after school trying to do some research when your friend Yachi approached the table you were at. “Hey Y/n I need a favor.” She said sliding into the chair next to you. You closed your books and sighed, “Who is it this time?” You asked, looking at her. She looked at you shocked and started sputtering, “Yachi ninety percent of the favors you need from me are because someone was mean to you and you can’t confront them yourself. I mean last week Rei took your favorite pen and refused to give it back so you had to come get me.”

“Fine, it’s not that anyone was mean but this super pretty girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted to be the new volleyball manager because she graduates next year.” You held your hand up effectively pausing Yachi’s rambling, “Let me pause you right there and let me guess. You panicked, both because a pretty girl was talking to you and because she was your upperclassman and said yes.”

Yachi nodded, “Yes but that’s not all of it.” She said sheepishly, you raised your eyebrows and motioned for her to continue. “I also asked if you could be like a co-manager and she said that that was okay. I know you probably don’t want to but I cannot do this alone. Please come with me, the first practice I’m supposed to attend starts soon.” You rolled your eyes and started packing all of your stuff before starting to walk out of the library. You turned and saw Yachi looking like a kicked puppy, “Yach are you coming or not, you are the one who dragged me into this you big ball of anxiety.” She smiled and grabbed her bag running to catch up to you.

You were near the gym when you saw Kiyoko Shimizu. You assumed she was the pretty 3rd year that Yachi was intimidated by and walked up to her, “Hey Kiyoko? I’m Y/n, the person Yachi volunteered to be the co-manager I guess?” Kiyoko turned after hearing her name and saw you walking up to her with Yachi hiding behind you, “Yes, follow me. I’ll introduce you to the team.” You both followed her into the gym, you walking beside her and Yachi cowering behind you, gripping the sleeve of your jacket.

As Kiyoko opened the doors three boys approached one spouting compliments at her the other asking who you and Yachi were. “Guys these are your potential new managers.” Yachi took a step out from behind you before yelling, “Uhm, my name is Yachi!” You waved at everyone who was gathering around briefly telling them your name. As people were greeting you, you glanced around the gym, stopping at two people, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. You looked at them for a few seconds before moving on to the third year wearing a bun.

He bent down slightly, asking Yachi if she was a first year. You tried no to laugh as she screamed and politely and panicky told him that she was a first year addressing him as if he was more than a third year and then freaking out when the two second years were staring at her. “Forgive her, she's not good with new people, she’s hardly good with people she knows. She’s still scared of me sometimes.” As you finished your sentence Yachi mumbled that she was scared of you because you’re scary.

The third year with the bun turned to Hinata telling him, “This is great now you have managers for next year.” Before Hinata could really say anything Kiyoko stepped in saying nothing was set in stone and that you too just wanted to meet the team. As Yachi said it was nice to meet the team everyone bowed and said “Hello” at the same time, effectively freaking Yachi out. As Kiyoko was telling them to back up and not crowd you both you didn’t notice as Yachi slipped outside, “Sorry for bothering you.” She said and closed the door. “Again sorry, she’ll get used to you I promise. I’ll let you get back to practice.” Everyone said goodbye and dispersed to go do their own thing until practice officially started. As you turned to leave you heard the annoying voice that seemed to follow you everywhere, “Are you really that obsessed with me that you would join the volleyball team somehow. If you really had that big of a crush on me you could just say so.” Turning you saw Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, the latter looking at you apologetically. You rolled your eyes, “Yes Tsuki I'm oh so obsessed with you that you consume every waking thought I have. Get over yourself.”

Walking out of the gym you saw Yachi crawling on the ground. You were about to ask her what she was doing when someone interrupted you, “You alright?” He asked. She turned around looking at him for a few seconds before yelling, “Please don’t kill me!” and sprinting away. “Kill you?” He asked mostly to himself. “Sorry about her.” You said to him, you seemed to be apologizing for her a lot today. He jumped, turning around to see you, “Jesus kid you scared the shit out of me don’t do that, nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“We’re the possible new managers for the team. She takes a while to warm up to new people. Also you shouldn’t be worried about a heart attack at your age. Lung failure seems more like it.” You pat him on the shoulder as you went to go find Yachi to sternly talk to her about Tsukishima and Yamaguchi being on the team. Yamaguchi you don’t mind as much, it’s Tsukishima that's the thorn in your ass. It’s not that you hated him, you just well, hated him. He sat behind you in your classes and constantly picked on you. Needed to always tell you that he scored higher on the test or his paper was better than yours. He was just annoying.

You found Yachi by her locker gathering the rest of her things, “Hey Yachi! I need to talk to you.” You said as you jogged up to her, “I don’t think I can do this man, Tsuki is on the team and he is not going to leave me alone if i do this with you.” She put on her jacket and picked up her bag and you two began to walk out of the school to go home, “Please, I can’t do this alone. You said you wanted to spend more time with me anyway. What happened between you two? Weren’t you really good friends with him and Yamaguchi before this year?”

You shrugged looking down at your feet, “He got a stick up his ass I don’t know what you want me to say.” You looked over and her and saw her giving you a disapproving look and you sighed, “Yeah we used to be great friends, best friends even. Then this summer he just started being cold to me. I honestly don’t know what happened and I don’t know if I want to know.” She nodded and was quiet for a few seconds before speaking up, “I get it, I do. But I really need you to do this with me. I might die if you don’t.” You sighed dramatically, throwing your head back, “Fine but you owe me. I may have only known you since the beginning of this year but even I know that you probably would’ve survived.”

It had been a while since you agreed to help Yachi with being the volleyball team manager and so far it had been hell. You ignored Tsukishima when you could but one of his perks and your downfalls of being childhood friends was he knew what buttons to press. Now here you were at some training camp in Tokyo and ignoring him could only do so much. It was the last day and so far you’ve had to deal with him treating you like you had to do everything he said, him loudly and obviously talking about you to Yams, and snide comments about the way you looked or something you did.

The last straw was when you sat down to eat and he made a comment about your weight. You and Yachi were sitting down to eat when Tsukishima walked over with Yamaguchi, “Gee Y/n do you really need all that food?” You didn’t say anything as you looked down at your plate. You didn’t think you got a lot, you got as much as Yachi. You weren’t necessarily insecure but your weight was always something your family commented on, eventually it made you cut back on eating, some days not eating at all in hopes of maybe trying to lose some weight to appease your family. Lately it hasn’t been so bad, Yachi has been helping with it, you were eating more regularly and getting back to normal. But now you feel like you’re back to square one. “Not gonna say anything? That’s a first.”

You set your plate down on the step you were sitting on and told Yachi that you really weren’t that hungry before walking away. As you walked into the gym you were all eating outside of you heard Yachi talking to Tsuki and Yams, nearly yelling. It’s honestly the first time you’ve heard her raise her voice for the first time that wasn’t out of nervousness or anxiety.

You were tossing a stray volleyball in the air when you heard the door open and close. “Yachi I told you I’m not hungry honestly.” You said focusing on the ball not looking at her. “I’m not Yachi and you should eat something.” You sighed as you heard the one voice you probably didn’t want to hear right now, “Do I need to stop eating or do I need to eat? Make up your mind Tsuki.” You caught the ball and turned to face him. He was holding your plate of food and scratching the back of his neck avoiding eye contact, “I uh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

You scoffed, “Is The Tsukishima apologizing? I didn’t know you knew how. You’ve been an ass since this summer and now that you know you hit a soft spot you change? Not happening. Besides, it's not something I go around advertising.” You sat down on the bench and he followed suit setting the plate in between you both. You sat there for a few minutes not saying anything before he cleared his throat, “I really am sorry. You look fine. I’m sorry about being an ass to you this whole time, please eat.”

Narrowing your eyes you looked between him and the food, “If you’re so sorry then why? Huh? Why are you being an ass? I mean one minute we’re all friends and the next you’re rude and dismissive.” He sighed, rubbing his face muttering that it was stupid. “Tsuki it’s not stupid to me, I lost two of my closest friends seemingly overnight with no reason at all. I’ll eat if you tell me what the hell changed.”

He thought for a second leaning on his knees before speaking, “Yamaguchi and I were hanging out one night this summer and you came up in the conversation. After a while Yams made me realize that I maybe like you. I didn’t know how to deal with that so I pushed you away instead and I may have pushed it too far. I’m sorry for everything I just didn’t know how to tell you so I probably handled it in the worst way.”

You paused for a second thinking about what he said before laughing and picking up the plate to start eating. “You aren’t gonna say anything just laugh? See this is why I didn’t want to tell you.” He said standing up. You finished chewing your bite, “Sit down, god you’re so dramatic. I laughed because this all happened because you’re emotionally constipated. Yanno if you told me this once you figured out your rubik's cube of emotions we probably could’ve been dating this whole time.” You didn’t say anything else and finished eating what was on your plate as he sat down with his mouth open gaping at you. “Wait so you like me too?”

You covered your mouth as you tried not to laugh at him, “For someone who constantly pointed out how they were smarter than me for the majority of this school year, you’re pretty fuckin dumb aren’t you.” He pushed you over and told you to shut up. “Oh come on Tsuki, is that anyway to talk to your girlfriend?” You watched as his ears began to turn red and he repeated the word girlfriend in a questioning form. “Unless of course you don’t want me too, then this was all for nothing and we can walk out of the gym like none of this happened.”

“Fine I guess, you’re uh, my girlfriend.” He said, coughing and looking away. You raised your eyebrows and laughed, “God Tsuki don’t sound like I held you at gunpoint. You’re such a tsundere. I guess I’ll deal with it though.” You said as you sighed deeply. He looked offended and pushed you off the bench as you both laughed at each other taking turns making stupid insults about the other person.

Outside the gym Yams and Yachi were all but pressing their ears against the door listening to your conversation, “They definitely confessed.”

[juniorgman187]

Be Forever Young (Reid Fluff Fic)

Summary: After Penelope’s resignation from the BAU, she attempts to set up her tech protégé, Reader, with Reader’s intellectual match yet much older counterpart - Dr. Spencer Reid. 

A/N: The POV switches between Reader and Spencer, just use context clues to detect who the narrator is.  Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Content Warning: 21 year age gap, headcannon proposal Playlist: Cloud 9 by Beach Bunny Word Count: 6.1k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

Prologue

Events like these weren’t exceedingly rare. They weren’t anything like Halley’s Comet, by any means, where it only happens once in your lifetime - if you’re lucky. But they weren’t exactly sunrises - something that you can count on occurring every day without fail. 

The best celestial phenomenon I could compare it to are blue moons. Rare enough to still have an element of surprise when they came, but not so rare that I should never expect them. 

These ‘blue moons’ are actually the events in which I meet an intellectual match. 

It’s not too often that I find a mind quite like mine, so you’ll forgive me for the reaction it elicits to watch them transcend the physical level and connect with me on the psychological one. There’s only been a handful of people who’ve ever had the exact standard of aptitude to be permissible into this metaphysical world with me, but now - there’s a handful and one. 

The newest addition to the list is her. 

_ _ _

Getting a word in edgewise when it comes to a conversation with Penelope Garcia is nearly impossible. Getting a word in edgewise when it comes to a conversation with Penelope Garcia about Dr. Spencer Reid is impossible. 

I couldn’t tell you when the first time she brought him up was, but I could probably tell you just how many times since then she’s mentioned him. 

A trillion. At least. 

For months on end, he was the only thing she would talk to me about. Morning, noon, and night. Every single day she’d gush about him with the same unrelenting zeal as she had the day before and the day before that. It was both scary and impressive how she never seemed to run out of good things to say about him. 

“You would just die for his apartment. It’s got this super chic dark academia thingy going on. You’d be really into that,” she would say. Or something to that effect. I was never really listening. 

Not that I wasn’t interested in learning about Dr. Reid - I was very interested in him.

As a superior. 

I first learned of him when he taught my Psych 101 class. Freshman year me was simply enthralled with him as a speaker, probably due to the charm of his awkward humor. I found it eerily relatable and touching, in a way. That was probably my favorite class, minus the assholes who made it less than enjoyable at times. (That’s a story for later).

The next interaction I had with him happened not even a year later when he came back after temporarily teaching to sit in on a philosophy class. Even though he was only auditing the lecture, whereas I was enrolled in the course, he ended up sitting in the seat right beside me. Had he not been gifted with an eidetic memory - a fact I found out during one of my obsessive research sessions - I doubt he would’ve even remembered sitting next to me.

Our shared field of work helped to bring us back together repeatedly throughout college. I would run into him at seminars, workshops, once even at a library where we were both looking for the same book. 

But for the most part, our relationship was parasocial. It largely consisted of me learning from him at a distance. I would use his brilliant research to support my own assignments, read the books he recommended, audit the classes he would teach. 

Rather than accurately interpreting my very limited, very professional connection to Dr. Reid, Penelope was deliberately using it as ammunition for her arsenal of reasons why I should consider dating him. 

“You guys are basically already friends, and nothing is cuter than the friends-to-lovers trope!” Now that she actually did say, and the only reason I remember it verbatim was it was so outrageous I couldn’t not remember it. 

And probably because she just said it to me right now. 

“We’re not friends! We’re ... acquaintances. Colleagues, if you will.” My attempts to gain distance from Penelope and this topic of conversation were crashing and burning. The more I tried to walk away from her, the faster she would chase me. It was inconceivable how she managed to do that and continue to pelt me with her perky persistence. 

“Even better! You know I’m no stranger to workplace romances.”

That I did. One Derek Morgan or one Luke Alvez ring a bell?

“Dr. Reid and I don’t work together,” I reminded her, if only to burst her bubble of insanity. 

“Exactly my point! If you two don’t work together, then there’s nothing keeping you apart.” 

I was stopped dead in my tracks, almost causing Penelope to trip since she was right on my heels. 

“Nothing? Really? Try 21 years.” 

That surely kept us apart. 

Our age gap was one of those glaring disparities Penelope couldn’t wave away with her magic wand. Frankly, it wasn’t an age gap so much as it was an age Grand Canyon. He was a whole person of legal drinking age older than me!

Hell - our age gap itself was older than me!

Maybe there weren’t any contracts or agreements or supervisors to keep us apart, but there was still one significant thing doing that. 

Time. Arguably the most important thing you needed to get right for a relationship to work. 

If there were any chance that he and I were good together, that was squandered by our divergence in age. 

Right person, wrong time ... but wrong time by more than two decades.

I could see the smallest fragment of hope wither away in Garcia’s eyes, and it actually hurt to have known that I caused that. Her voice was more solemn when she said, “You don’t have to date him, I just want you to go on a date. Get to know each other better. Who knows? You might finally graduate from colleagues to BFF’s.” 

Not that I was seriously considering the possibility of growing closer to Dr. Reid, but there was one question lingering in my mind.

“Does he even want to go on this date? Have you asked him how he feels about it?” 

Part of why I was wondering was on the off chance that she’d tell me he had the same objections towards this that I did, which would be good news for me since it would mark my reluctance as a sound judgment. If there was anyone whose opinion was worth something, it was his, right? After all, he was the provable genius in the same compromising position as me. 

“Trust me, he’s been dying to do this.” In spite of her preface to trust her, I didn’t. I couldn’t be sure if she was suggesting that he’d been dying to go on a date with me or if he’d been dying to go on a date in general.

No offense to him, but I guessed it was the latter, and if that was the case, he was only being a team player because she hadn’t told him it was me she was setting him up with. Already suspecting that I’d probe further to navigate through her vagueness, she cut in with one last Hail Mary. “One date! That’s all!”

Whether you believe me or not, 100% the only reason why I said what I said next was to put an end to this madness. “Fine. I’ll go.”

Maybe 99.99%.

_ _ _

I never knew how I could lose so much time. Sure, if anyone asked, I could probably account for everything I’d done in my day, second by second. But still, there was this cloudiness, a fog, inhabiting my brain, casting this haze on whatever else dwelled in my mind, too. 

I couldn’t focus on anything for more than 4 seconds at a time, and while that wasn’t incredibly concerning for the average human, it was disconcerting for me. 

What was going on? 

What is going on?

“What’s going on?” 

Suddenly, a hand began to wave in front of my face. “Yoo-hoo? Anybody in there?” JJ wondered aloud, causing me to realize it was her voice that asked the question from before. 

“Yeah, sorry,” I shook my head to regain some clarity, but that did me no good. My foggy brain still remained. It goes without saying my words were worth nothing as well. JJ saw right through me in a way that never failed to scare me shitless. I could never conjure up a lie good enough to follow that look she’d give me. So I settled for the truth. The question that cast the haziness in my brain to begin with. 

“What do you think about me dating again?” 

If I thought that first look was bad, then the one she was giving me now was something of a nightmare. At least with the first, I knew what she was thinking. With this one, I hadn’t a clue. 

To relieve us from some of the insufferable silence, I found myself speaking again in my defense. “Garcia mentioned something earlier about setting me up with someone and it got me thinking.”

Thinking about Max that is. 

Being my most recent girlfriend, it made sense why she was freshest in my mind. That being said, we’ve been broken up for 14 months, which in any other context would seem like more than enough time to start dating again, but therein lies the catch. 

We didn’t just break up. She said “no” when I asked her to marry me, which, if you ask me, is one hell of a way to break up.

So from that perspective, it obviously begs the question: is 14 months too fast to move on from something like that? 

JJ sharply inhaled. “Well, are you ready to start dating again?”

I still didn’t have an answer for that myself. “I don’t know. There isn’t exactly a rulebook on how long you have to wait until it’s socially acceptable-”

“Lemme stop you right there, Spence,” She placed her hand on top of mine. “You can’t just do whatever statistics or studies or science say is right all the time. You not only need to be more in tune with your own needs but accepting of them, too. Screw what anyone else has to say about you dating again - including Socrates, including Einstein, including Aristotle ... including me. Do whatever you think is acceptable by your standards - not society’s. Do what you wanna do and I’ll support that.”

There was something special about having JJ’s approval. It was like getting permission to be excited, something I didn’t know I needed or wanted. 

“I’m ready.”

Born ready, as Penelope herself would say.

_ _ _

I was starting to get suspicious that maybe I had an invisible string attached to me and on the other end of that string was Penelope. It was the only explanation as to how she managed to trail behind me at an isochronal pace. Perfectly equidistant, perfectly equal intervals of time. Must’ve been some form of magic that she was able to synchronize that connection for as long as she did as we pranced around the office, basically chasing me.

“Okay, I know the date isn’t until Saturday, but I really think we need to amp up your wardrobe choices ... like stat.”

Hearing that I was seeing my superior still didn’t settle well with me. I don’t think I could ever get used to the thought. 

I should’ve been offended at her suggestion to change my clothing taste as it implied my stylistic choices weren’t up to par, but a part of me, a very small part of me, knew she was right. And just because I wasn’t keen on the idea of going on a date with Spencer didn’t mean I didn’t want to look nice for him for it.

“I’m assuming you’ve got some ideas in mind,” I said in a teasing voice, knowing that’s precisely why she brought it up.

“See! You are a genius! Exactly why you and Spencer are meant to be together!” Her exclamation was just as loud as it was outlandish. 

“Alright, calm down sparky,” I shot a warning look. “It’s just one date - we’re not soulmates.” 

Then, talking in the quietest voice I didn’t think Penelope was capable of speaking with, she said, “Not yet.” 

I knew the minute I showed even the littlest bit of interest in Penelope’s fashion guidance, I’d end up draped in ruffles, sequins, glitter, tulle, rhinestones, or all of the above. Nothing again Penelope’s personal style - it’s just not mine. 

I was scared to ask, but I had to know. “So what were you thinking?” 

Before my very eyes, Penelope’s constantly-there smile transformed, something akin to the mischievous grin of the Cheshire Cat. “I was thinking …” 

In a Mary Poppins-esque fashion, Penelope produced a dress that in no feasible reality should have been able to fit within that little Hello Kitty side bag. 

I suppose it must’ve been absolutely backbreaking for Penelope to refrain from choosing a multicolor or at least pattern-riddled dress, so as compensation for the fact that it was only one singular color throughout, it had to be a bold one. 

Red. 

“Not too shabby, right?” Her eyebrows jumped on her forehead, knowing she’d made a good choice. 

And a part of me actually died saying this, but it was pretty perfect. 

_ _ _ 

My life didn’t flash before my eyes, per se, the moment I finally arrived at the delicatessen. It was more like a very specific, singular memory had flashed before my eyes. 

That story for later? This is the one. 

Psych 101 was my best class in Freshman year ... by a long shot. Come rain, wind, or snow, I was always excited to go. It was a standout course on its own, but not because it was terribly spectacular or the most fascinating subject in the world, but more so because of how it changed my own person. It challenged me, like all worthwhile things do. 

There were more judgmental meatheads - boys, if you will - than not, who would jump down my throat for being a smart ass or a teacher’s pet if I so much as answered one of Dr. Reid’s questions. Par for the course, really. 

As a result, I had a proclivity to avoid raising my hand. It wasn’t that I was hyper-fixated on managing my reputation, just that participating wasn’t worth the eventual harassment from my dimwitted classmates. 

Nonetheless, one day, I felt compelled to answer Dr. Reid when he asked what our thoughts were about the sampled, pretense manifesto.

No one else was jumping at the chance to speak, perhaps they were just as cowardly as I was, and it was clear that he was going to stand there waiting until someone finally would. The silence was painfully awkward for everyone and so I felt obligated, as a student who was actually enrolled in the class for credit and not just to audit like 90% of the other girls here, to break it.

Slowly, ever so slowly, my hand hesitantly inched up into the air until it floated just high enough above the student in front of me’s head. As soon as I knew he saw it, I let it plunge straight back down. 

“Yes, Ms. (y/l/n)?”

I could already feel the dirty looks and snide comments coming before I even said a word. 

“I know we’re all collectively referring to this unsub as a man, and while that might just be a general assumption or Freudian slip perhaps ... I think the language is steeped in betrayal and contempt. And it would be ignorant not to notice how it reads more like the wrath of a woman scorned than your typical jilted male lover.” 

“Lover?” Someone two rows back snickered quietly, clearly to mock my choice of words. I didn’t even have to look to know it was Brad who had said that. Nevertheless, Dr. Reid was impressed with my answer. His lips curved into the faintest smile as he nodded his head. If he had heard the commentary of one Brad Sterling, he made no visceral reaction to it.

With an extended hand, palm facing up, he gestured for me to, “Please. Stand up.”

I fumbled my way up and out of my seat to possibly delay the shit I’d get for this mere action.

“That, ladies and gentleman, is what it looks like to have courage,” He underlined his words with a grand flourish of his hand in my direction. “Putting yourself on the line even in the event you’ll be mocked and ridiculed or deemed wrong. That’s something you’ll need if you are seriously considering being part of the BAU, or the FBI at any capacity.”

My face was flushed from the acclaim he was showering me with. Suddenly, I was glad I volunteered. 

Taking me completely by surprise, Dr. Reid wasn’t done yet.

“So, Mr. Sterling,” He began, directly calling out the boy in the back who without a doubt made the remark. I wouldn’t have had any reason to believe he heard it since his attention never diverted away from me long enough to catch the comment, much less the culprit. I wonder if he’d heard all the times Brad made jokes at my expense. Was he finally at his wits end with the sarcasm? “Make fun all you want, but might I suggest that if you like a girl, you do the opposite of that.” 

His sickly sweet drawl was followed by a short wink at me as if to say ‘I have your back’, and I was lucky to have already been in the process of sitting back down because my knees would’ve given out underneath me from the sheer exhilaration of his praise. 

The thought never once crossed my mind that Brad was so fixated on me because he had a crush, but it all made sense once it did. And if I didn’t know any better, Dr. Reid only humiliated him and brought it up because the realization dawned on him, too.

Was it possible that Dr. Reid was ... jealous?

In the spirit of complete transparency, that suspicion may have lit the tiniest wildfire imaginable in my chest. A wildfire that, even now, has yet to extinguish. Perhaps that little flame is the 0.01% of the reason I said yes. I could only imagine what kind of omnipotence it would soon gain if this date went well. 

If he could light such an enduring kindle with simple praise, think about what would happen if he smiled at me. If he laughed at my jokes. If he held my hand. 

If he kissed me.  

Dr. Reid’s validation would be something I actively sought from all walks of life, I knew that much. What I didn’t know was how far that desire would take me.

I would have never guessed it would lead me here. 

Standing in front of a fancy restaurant in a pretty red dress with the tenuous hope that the professor inside might just like it so much that he’ll end up liking the girl wearing it, too.

_ _ _ 

No matter how many times I adjusted the bouquet of poppies, they sat perpetually crooked on the table. Much like the dark gray tie around my neck that tightened around my throat with every passing second. I had to keep messing with it to loosen the noose-like grip it had on me. Who knew if it actually was becoming more restricting or it was the flourishing bundle of nerves in my stomach that made it harder to breathe. 

I was never very good at lying in wait patiently. Especially if I was expecting something. Now that I was expecting someone? I could say with perfect clarity - I was not good at waiting. 

I don’t wanna seem the way I do 

Every time the door opened, my eyes flashed to it instantaneously. And every time it wasn’t her, a little part of me was disappointed. It was still too early to say for certain that she was standing me up, but my mind was doing what it did best. It wandered. There was nothing else to do after all. 

Except maybe adjust those blood orange poppies one more time.

I’d picked them out specifically because Penelope slipped in a not-so-subtle comment about her dress being “a perfect match to the color of papaverales” - her words exactly. I thought if she went through that much trouble to find a color coordinated plant and say the scientific name for me to decode, it was worth picking up a bouquet of them on the way. 

It was only the most ironic occurrence in the world that when I went to rearrange them one last time, I devoted my full attention to the action, missing the very moment I was on the lookout for the past hour and a half. 

I didn’t even see her until the red poppies camouflaged into the identically colored setting of her dress. 

Then there she was.

All the disappointment in the world was worth that first time I saw her with fresh eyes. 

I was dumbstruck for a moment, long enough that it warranted an apology for not standing up sooner. 

“(Y/n)! Hi!” I accidentally squealed. I couldn’t control myself, let alone control the pitch of my voice apparently. 

I could see, in her, youthful naivete where, in others, I saw their age. She paradoxically had not aged a minute, and yet a new womanhood was piercing through her ultimately adolescent appearance. 

“Hi, Dr. Reid,” She said through a laugh and a smile, shaking my hand politely and professionally. She was greeting me like I was still her professor and she’d just happen to run into me on an errand. Next, she’d be attempting small-talk for as long as it took for me to let her go. 

Unfortunately for her, I had no plans for that. 

But I’m confident when I’m with you 

“Please, it’s just Spencer,” I reminded her, hoping to break down that governing image of me she surely maintained. 

“Spencer,” She tried again; doing it more to be obedient to my instruction than to satisfy her own desire. It sounded so unnatural to her, just as it did to me. I found it adorable, actually. It seemed like she was breaking this unspoken, and very much illusionary rule to say my first name. “It’s nice to see you again,” She added after I pulled out her chair for her.

“Is it?” I asked when I rounded the table to get to my seat. “I get the feeling you’re a little disappointed.” The only reason I pointed it out was that it was true, not just that I’d observed the notion grow more poignant in her face for the past minute.

“Not at all,” She shook her head, which luckily for me, drew a line of congruence between her body language and verbal language. At least, she was being truthful. “It’s just that I’m sort of embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?” I repeated in astonishment, unable to cultivate a list of reasons that would justify her feeling that way. I couldn’t think of a single thing I’d done to provoke that emotion, and it nearly broke me to consider her internal being substantiating it. 

“Embarrassed isn’t the right word, but I can’t find a more accurate one for what I’m feeling,” She shied away from my eyes when she lowered her head as she spoke. 

“You could try to explain it to me?” I offered gently. It took an overwhelming amount of self-restraint to not offer my hand with it. It would’ve been so easy to slide my hand across the threshold to enter her territory of the table, but who knows if doing so would just make her that much more uncomfortable. 

“Well for one thing, I don't really go on dates,” From this alone, I could already relate to her enough to laugh at the fact. “Don’t laugh at me! You know how dangerous first dates can be,” She swatted her hand in my direction to chastise me. 

“I do! I do! I think it’s really good that you’re protecting yourself to the point of avoiding dates,” I was teasing the implication that she wasn’t asked to go on very many, which was thankfully delivered well enough to make her laugh again. 

“Hey! Many people have wanted to go on dates with me, thank you very much. You included.” 

“Me included.” I nodded in approval. We sat in a short period of silence while we exchanged one soulful glance, borne from the insinuation of what I just said. 

“And for another ... I respect you too much as a figure of authority to see you in that way.” 

_ _ _ 

“In what way?” 

Rather than tossing me a lifeline, he was feeding me to the sharks. Forcing me to dive into the deep end. He wanted to see me struggle to stay afloat in the sea of his sticky toffee eyes. He knew I'd get suspended in them when he gave me that look. How much I’d be willing to get lost in them just so I could wander in the depths of his honeyed orbs for a little bit longer. 

That look ...

“You don’t find it weird?” This was the most honesty I could’ve demonstrated. 

“Find what weird?” For someone with such a high IQ, you’d think he’d be quicker on his feet. 

“This! You - me. On a date!” I gestured to the space between us. “You’re ... well frankly, Spencer, you’re old enough to be my father.” 

“Does that make you uncomfortable?” He genuinely cared about the answer.

“Only in theory. Not in actual life,” was the most precise response I could give.

“So what is making you uncomfortable?” Again, I could tell my answer mattered to him. 

“You were my professor once, and now I’m just supposed to go on a date with you and see you as my equal when I’ve spent the entire time I’ve known you, putting you on a pedestal? Do you know how much pressure that puts on me? To be perfect?”

“Who says you have to be perfect? Who says you’re aren’t already?” 

That one caught me off guard. I had to gulp down the lump of shock. 

“You think I’m perfect?” 

“That, or you’re pretty close to it.” 

Lately all I feel is bad and bruised

I could’ve smiled, I could’ve thanked him, I could’ve fallen at his feet and thrown my dignity down there along with it, but I just laughed. I laughed. 

“That’s ridiculous! You barely know me.” 

“You’re wrong,” He simply replied with a firm shake of his head and a cavalier sip at his drink. It showed just how confident he was in his answer. How cocky he was. 

“How am I wrong?” 

He cleared his throat as though he were preparing to deliver the world’s greatest speech. Then, he leaned forward, motioning with his fingers for me to do the same. 

“If I’m remembering correctly, which you know I am, you were the student who had the gall to raise your hand and correct me on my gender identification of the unsub, right?” 

The second the sentimental thought, ‘aww he remembered’, came into my head, it was soon followed by, of course, he did, idiot. Eidetic memory, remember?

Tired of tripping on my shoes

“What does that have to do with me being perfect? Or so you claim?”

He was piercing deep into my eyes now, his gaze overwhelming my senses and sending shockwaves akin to the feeling of butterflies everywhere … and I mean everywhere.

“Bravery is the audacity to be unhindered by failures, and to walk with freedom, strength, and hope, in the face of things unknown.” 

I recognized the quote as one of Morgan Harper Nichols, but the words went right to my chest like they were his own. 

That damn wildfire just got a whole lot bigger. 

“I’ve always thought about how if I could be unfazed by failure or even just the prospect of it, if I could just be strong enough or have enough hope to face what I couldn’t predict, I’d be set. I’d be golden,” He paused. “I’d be perfect ... but you? You, little one, have already got that figured out. So whether that means you’re perfect on your own because of your bravery or you're a perfect match for someone fainthearted like me, is up for you to decide. Whichever interpretation of being perfect you choose would be correct, but you should know - I meant both either way.”

But when he loves me I feel like I’m floating

When he calls me pretty, I feel like somebody

Even when we fade eventually to nothing

You will always be my favorite form of loving

“Do you want to get out of here?” He asked when he finally refound his voice. 

“Since the minute I walked in.” I replied after refinding mine. 

_ _ _ 

“You always take girls to your apartment on the first date, Doctor?” Asking this in the name of taking a jab at him was the most clever way I could think to conceal my underlying motive of trying to gauge how giddy I could let myself feel about the fact that he’d taken me to his ‘super chic dark academia’ themed residence - Penelope’s words, remember?

“Well, in my abundant dating history,” He sarcastically began, “I can’t say I ever have, no. You’d be the first.”

That shot another quick bolt of lightning to the wildfire in my heart that I’m ashamed to admit made the heat reinvigorate. The flame must’ve been too much for my chest to contain so it had to relocate to my face, where my cheeks were left to burn under his gaze and thanks to his admission. 

I was the first. 

He must’ve seen the glint localizing on my countenance and decided to speak on it. “Why does that amuse you?”

“I don’t know,” I dumbly but truthfully replied. He didn’t need any more information to get his answer, though. Because even if I didn’t know what amused me about being his first, I never denied that it did, and that was more than enough confirmation for him. 

“You promise to be here when I come back?” He wagged a cautionary finger at me like it might persuade me to stay and hold me accountable if I didn’t. 

Spencer needed to go into his room to collect an item that ‘shall not be named’ but was apparently essential for our super secret plans tonight (secret to even me) and he was leaving me in the living room while he did so. I guess being the initial girl he took home on a first date was okay, but being the initial girl he took into his bedroom on a first date was crossing a line. 

That was alright with me, though. I was in this for the long haul.

“I promise I pose no flight risk, Your Honor,” I taunted with a coy tone. “But I can’t promise I won’t snoop around some.” Hey, at least I was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

“Snoop around all you want,” He laughed ruefully, demonstrating an openness I quite envied and admired. “You’ll probably learn a lot about me that way. And you won’t even have to talk to me to do that!” I knew he was only saying that out of self-deprecating tendencies he harbored, but I couldn’t help feeling that a small part of him actually believed that I wasn’t interested in talking to him.

“Spencer, you know I do like talking to you right?” I caught him just before he ran into his room. Already halfway in the door, I could still catch the megawatt smile on his face. 

“So stay then,” His smile grew impossibly bigger. “We can talk all you want when I get back.” 

The door closed, and then suddenly reopened to let just his face through, a face that said, ‘Don’t go anywhere.’

After a few minutes of loudly sorting through his room, I heard the sanctimonious cry of victory. “Found it!” 

I could hear the little pad of his feet and he happily trotted out of the room. “Ta-da! My stargazing kit.” He said it as though he were introducing the basket he was holding to me, and me to it. Like it was a real person he wanted me to know. I almost felt obliged to say, ‘Hi stargazing kit! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m (y/n)!’

“Let’s go,” He smiled, reaching for my hand. 

I unabashedly took it, because although it meant that I was truly leaving his apartment, I had a very strong feeling that I would be back here again one day. 

_ _ _ 

We were lying there on this big quilted comforter that was stashed away in that stargazing kit of his, staring up at the sky, drunk on the sound of our occasional fits of laughter. 

“It’s Earth Day, you know that?” I wondered aloud in a state of complete euphoria.

“I actually did,” He said through a sheepish laugh, almost as if he was admitting the knowledge of it against his own will to protect my fragility. 

From out of nowhere, there was a small tug on the skirt of my dress. I looked down to find Spencer’s hand there, playing with the fabric until it lay perfectly on my leg. 

I coughed to possibly relieve the tension brewing in my loins. “So then you know the Lyrid meteor shower is tonight,” I moved the tiniest bit closer to lean into his touch.

“At exactly 4:33 a.m,” He moved too.

“Is that why you brought me here? To watch the shooting stars? To make a wish?” I thought for a second that I would appear exceedingly childish - more so than I already did being 21 years his junior. But he didn’t judge me at all for the kid-like notion of making a wish on a shooting star or the implication that I still believed in those things. 

In fact, I piqued his curiosity, telling by the way he moved only his head to the side to watch my reaction. “Say I did. What would you wish for?” 

In the throws of dreamy elation, I softly murmured the only honest answer. “To be older. But not the unfulfilling 9 to 5, loveless marriage, ‘I do my taxes for fun’ older. I want to be old in the ways that the stars and the sky are old. I want to be infinite.” 

“...To be infinite.” He whispered my wish back, sounding sort of in awe of me. 

Just then, the overhead horizon grew larger. With no buildings or people to block the view, it was just us, the stars, and the sky. I could actually feel that I was lying on a planet. It was so wide. So infinite. 

“Can I hold your hand?” I asked softly, in a manner so vulnerable it scared me.

Without any words or hesitation, he put my hand in his.

“The universe seems so big right now. I just needed something to hold onto.” I explained quietly, practically with the hopes that he wouldn’t hear me. But he heard.

“I’m here.”

We didn’t know what was ahead of us then. We were just two people, looking up at the sky on a cold February night. We weren’t divided by power, or age, or space. We were ourselves and no one else. 

My eyes fluttered shut again and a smile stretched across my face. “Stargazing was a good idea.”

The world and the sky and the stars and I - we were all infinite. I couldn’t have felt bigger in my own body. In the best way possible, I was taking up so much space. I was occupying the earth. I was made up of matter. I mattered. 

Just as I began to open my eyes, I caught a glimpse of a fading shooting star. Though I had wished to be older, I still felt like a child. Then it hit me. I didn’t feel older because I wasn’t older.

I was infinite. 

Yes, I was a child, but not in the pinch your cheeks, bottles and pacifiers, babyish way. I was a child in the ‘you have a life full of possibilities ahead of you’ way.

You are young. He tells me with his eyes. And that is a good thing. Be forever young. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

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Temporary Home: Chapter 9

Guardians of the Galaxy fanfic | Reader x Guardians (With Yondu and Kraglin!)

Summary: Yondu finally confronts Reader about the late night escapes, and invites himself to tag along, to Reader's dismay.

Previous Chapter here | Next Chapter Here Or click here to: Start From Beginning

Author’s Note: Just Reader and Yondu this chapter.

Word Count: 3,953

You jumped right out of your skin but somehow managed not to cry out, whipping around to see Yondu's silhouette standing in the doorway to the kitchen. It was a bit of a terrifying sight if you were to be honest. You'd hate to see it in a dark alley.

"What the fuck!" you whisper-yelled. "Don't do that! You trying to give me a heart attack!?"

"Don't change the subject. Where ya sneakin' off to?" Yondu had intended to use the voice he used when trying to intimidate an opponent, the one he uses when trying to get the message across that he's not going to take any shit, so ya better just cough up what he wants to know. However, it came out sounding a bit more like the tone he used to scold Peter with when he'd get caught sneaking girls on the ship after curfew.

You did your best to look unfazed and close the door. "First off, it's my house. I'm not sneaking, I'm just going. And what are you doing sneaking up on me?"

You were trying to turn the tables on him, but he wasn't going to bite. "It's the middle of the night and yer being awful quiet about it, ya really try'na tell me that's not sneakin'?"

"Yes." You tried to keep your tone even, but it was hard not to sound annoyed. "It'd be rude to wake up the others."

"Uh huh. Well if yer not sneakin' then why not turn on a light?"

"Don't need it. Lived here all my life. Know the place just as well in the dark."

"Right..." Yondu eyed you, sure that you'd come up with an excuse for anything else he'd throw at you. Might as well just cut to the chase. "Where ya going?"

"Out," you reply, "For a walk."

"You're going for a walk, in the middle of the night?" He could hear it more now, he sounded like he was getting ready to threaten to ground you. Not exactly the tone he was going for. He blamed it on the lack of sleep. Brain must be instinctually reverting to "Yell at Quill" mode. Stars knew he did it enough when Quill was a boy that it became second nature.

"Yes." You cross your arms over your chest, only to realize it made you look like an argumentative teen. Oh well, too late now. You kept them crossed.

"So, you suddenly just up and decided, in the middle of the night, that ya'd fancy a walk, in the dark, in the forest?"

"Yes." you reply again, realizing a second too late that he shouldn't have known where you were headed. "No- Wait I-"

Yondu chuckled. "Save it. I see everything... And I've been mighty curious to know what you've been sneaking off to do at night."

You stare at each other in the dark for some time before you break the silence. "I have the sneaking suspicion that you intend to follow me."

"You'd win that bet." Yondu said with a grin that you could barely see in the dim light.

You roll your eyes. "You'll get bored. Better off to just go back to bed."

"After you." Yondu gestured towards the hall from the doorway. You could hear a smirk in his voice.

You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose. "I'm not leaving alone, am I?"

"Nope."

You really wanted to leave, and obviously you would prefer to do it alone, but if bringing a suspicious passenger was the only way you could do so, and likely the only way to prevent this happening again, you'd suppose once wouldn't kill you. In fact, denying could potentially only make his suspicions worse, and you didn't feel like possibly being reported to Fury over nothing if he got the wrong idea. You had been on enough jobs to know how quick a misunderstanding could go south. "Ugh. Fine. But you know curiosity killed the cat." Still, it wouldn't hurt to try and convince him to stay behind.

"Ain't a cat. Not even sure what a cat is." Yondu chuckled, fully aware that he was being irritating. He might not have exactly known what the Terran idiom meant, but he still knew it was just an idiom. Enough experience with Quill had taught him that Terrans say strange things.

You look up to the ceiling "Just hurry up."

Yondu disappeared in the hall to pull on his boots and returned a moment later pulling on his duster jacket. You had to admit his silhouette was actually even scarier with the addition of the jacket, but you didn't let it show.

You wordlessly motion him out the door and shut it behind the two of you. The walk across the yard to the tree line was awkwardly silent until about a couple meters away.

"So what ya keep coming out here for anyway?"

You answered with a question of your own. "You been spying on me?"

"Not exactly. Just happened to notice ya out the window a few times, and thought it was odd that you'd be sneaking out of yer own house."

The two of you broke the tree line, finally walking amongst the trees. "I told you I wasn't sneaking."

"Sure, sure," Yondu chuckled. "Ya didn't answer my question, girlie. What's out in this-here forest that keeps ya coming out here at night?" He kept pace with you as best he could. Your steps were sure, the ground was littered with rocks and sticks, but your gait never faltered. You clearly knew these woods well, and it was evident you knew just where you were going. You hadn't even bothered to use a light. Yondu would almost think you had night vision if he didn't already know better that Terrans didn't.

"Nothing. I just come out to enjoy the scenery. Relax a bit," you finally answer.

"Ya know, yer almost a good liar." Yondu chuckled.

"I beg your pardon!" you say, offense fully clear in your voice.

"What? Take it as a compliment," Yondu laughed, unfazed by your outburst. "But yer gonna have to do better than that to pull something over on me. I can spot a lie lightyears away." Ok so he might have been exaggerating, but you didn't need to know that. "And that there, that wasn't the truth."

You scoff. "What do you know? You don't know anything about me and you're really going to stand there and act like you do?" The nerve of him. You should have just pretended to go back to bed and then came back out later, or better yet, oiled the hinge on your bedroom door the other day when you noticed it starting to squeak. Probably what alerted Yondu to leaving.

"I know more than you think." Yondu countered, nearly tripping on a large branch.

"You don't know anything about me." You repeat. You started walking faster out of spite.

A smirk fell over his face. If you wanted to be difficult, fine. He could just have fun teasing you until you loosened up, and he had a feeling he knew just what might push your buttons.

"I know yer ticklish." He grinned, seeing how you visibly tensed.

You run a hand down your face. "You guys aren't going to let that die, are you?"

"Nope," Yondu chuckled, "it's too funny."

"It's not," you say, glad the dark was hiding the blush you could feel on your cheeks.

"I think it is," Yondu disagreed, reaching out to poke you and chuckling when you jumped and flinched each time his finger connected with your side. He grinned, mentally drawing up the theory that you didn't like to show weakness.

You swat at his hand and tell him to quit.

He laughs, but thankfully obeys, saying, "Aw, cheer up now. It ain't that embarrassin'... though I do wonder now why that Fury guy would keep an agent around that seems mighty vulnerable to torture..." He was teasing, of course. Just trying to get a rise out of you. It worked.

You throw him a look of daggers and he holds up his hands in a relenting gesture. "Don't worry, secret's safe with me, girlie," he teased, continuing to grin before nearly tripping again. He sighed, beginning to search his pockets for a light. There was no sense tripping around out here in the dark. You may apparently know this forest floor like the back of your hand, but he didn't, and he most certainly didn't feel like rolling an ankle.

He spoke up again. "I also know yer hiding something."

You freeze for just a moment and then turn to him. "No. Nice try."

He closed the meter wide distance between you. "Ya can deny all ya want, sweetheart, but I can still tell."

"Whatever." You turn and start walking again, this time at a regular pace.

"Don't give me that," Yondu said, finally finding a light in one of his inner pockets. He flipped it on and you instantly covered your eyes, which had been adjusted to the dark and very much didn't like the sudden intrusion of the bright light.

"Agh- Turn that off!" you scold.

"What for?" Yondu asked, he had also suffered slightly from the sudden brightness, but at least he could see where he was walking now.

"Well, besides the fact that you just blinded me- you'll attract bugs."

"Ah right. Yer scared of creepy-crawlies. My mistake." Yondu laughed, making a show of shutting the light off. "Wouldn't want ya to be all scared stiff like ya were earlier."

You glare at him best you could with your eyes trying to adjust back to the dark. "I'm not scared of bugs. I just don't feel like getting bitten up by a bunch of midges. The bites itch like hell."

"I dunno... ya looked pretty scared of whatever that bug was in the kitchen today." Yondu teased, but he did make a mental note that midges sounded quite unpleasant.

"That was a spider," you say, then muttering, "...and that's different."

Yondu hummed. "Seems a lil' funny that you'd put a giant one in my boy's bed then, seein' as yer so scared of 'em yerself."

You stumble over your words for a bit, before admitting that you hid the fake spider before the incident with the real one happened, adding, "-and I wasn't scared of it!"

"Sure ya weren't..." Yondu said teasingly. "Guess ya won't be bothered if I tell ya about the big one crawling on yer shoulder then." He repeated the same trick as earlier, imitating a running spider on your shoulder with his fingers and laughing when you jumped a mile and smacked at his hand.

Face flushed with embarrassment at falling for the same trick twice you say, "You're an asshole."

"Yep," came Yondu's reply. Theory confirmed: You hated showing weakness. After a few steps he spoke again. "Where we goin' anyways? Ya seem pretty sure about this path. Get the feelin' we ain't just wanderin' aimlessly."

You sigh, but relent. What could it hurt? "It's just a little further."

"It where ya go all the time?"

"No, just most of the time." you admitted. "Sometimes I do just... 'wander aimlessly.'"

"But not tonight."

You sigh again. "No. Not tonight."

After a bit you finally happen upon a small clearing. In the middle of that clearing was a large old oak tree. Its trunk was nearly two meters in diameter and had lovely patches of moss growing on it. Thick branches poked out just low enough to climb on, it was beautiful in the dim light of the night, but it was even more beautiful in daylight.

"Here," you say, "This is where I go. This is my favorite tree."

Yondu was actually stunned for a moment by the magnificence of the the tree, and that didn't happen often. "I can see why. It's certainly a purty one..."

He walked with you closer to the tree and broke off to walk to one side as if he intended to do a lap around the trunk.

"Careful," you say, not wanting him to go any further around the more shadowy part of the tree, "Ground's got a bit of a soft spot over that way. Wouldn't want you to sink in."

Yondu, who, like anyone, obviously wouldn't enjoy that happening, stopped his journey and headed back your way. Better to stay with the person who knew the land, at least when he couldn't see for himself if he was about to fall in a hole.

You approach the tree and sit at its base, gesturing an invite for Yondu to do the same if he chose. He did. You look up at the thick branches and say, "My dad used to bring us out here."

"Us?" Yondu questioned.

"My brother and me."

"Didn't know ya had a brother."

"Didn't ask."

"Would ya have said if I did? Ya don't exactly seem the most forthcoming type." Yondu laughed lightly.

You huff in response. You look back up at the branches and remember the time you and your brother would climb the old tree. sometimes even your dad would try climbing with you, even though he wasn't as agile as his children. You remembered the fun, the laughter, the three of you playing chasing games around the tree. They were some of your fondest memories of before your dad got sick. Before he couldn't take you and your brother out to the tree anymore, though of course by that time the two of you were old enough to make the trip on your own, though it never was quite the same.

You had sat in silence for a bit before Yondu asked, "So what's eatin' ya?"

"What?" you ask, pulled from your thoughts.

"I've kinda gathered ya wouldn't be comin' all the way out here in the middle of the night if everythin' was all fine and dandy, so what's got ya down, girlie?" It seemed obvious to Yondu from what he observed that this would be the case. After some thought, he realized he only caught you heading towards the forest on bad days, like when Rocket messed your kitchen or the night you fought Quill. You were here, therefore, something must be wrong.

"Nothing."

Yondu didn't buy it. "I noticed you disappeared for a long while in the middle of that movie Quill wanted to watch. It have anything to do with that?"

"I told you, I'm fine." you say bitterly. It honestly irritated you how accurate his assumptions were, but just because he was right didn't mean you had to affirm his assumptions.

Yondu sighed. "Alright then, be that way."

After a few moments Yondu breaks the silence again. "So... where are yer family? I know ya said yer daddy's passed, but what about yer mama? Or this brother ya mentioned. Where they at? Why ya out here in that big house all alone?"

You inhale. You considered not answering, but then thought it couldn't hurt much. You could talk a little since he wanted to be nosy. Not like you were going to spill your entire life story, just the sparknotes. "Well, my mom's gone. Died giving birth to me."

"Oh." Yondu was almost sorry he asked. "And yer brother?" He now assumed you were the younger sibling, but he felt it would be in bad taste to mention it. He hoped talking about him might lighten the mood.

"Gone too." you answered.

He winced. He hadn't expected to hear that you were alone alone. "How?" Yondu asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." you replied.

Yondu saw you draw your knees up and rest your chin on them. He realized he shouldn't push his luck. "Sorry to hear that."

"Why? You didn't do it," you say sarcastically. "It's life. Everyone dies eventually." You un-hug your knees and lean back against the tree. "Just how it goes. Life's a bitch and then you die alone."

Yondu catches a crack in your voice but doesn't mention it. He frowns. "Come on now. There's more than that. Ya don't got to spend the rest of it all alone and miserable." He said this because he had to believe it himself. How close had he come to doing just that when his crew mutinied? If Kraglin hadn't still been loyal and if Rocket and Twig hadn't helped with an escape plan, he'd've been slain by the hands of the Kree- if he was lucky, or back in the slave barracks- if he wasn't. He'd never have gotten the chance to save Quill, and even if he hadn't intended to make it out alive, he couldn't deny he was grateful the ship had gotten to him and Quill just in time so that he could spend more time with his boy.

He didn't know your exact age, but he thought you looked at least a little younger than Quill. That was too young to have such a bleak outlook on life. If even he could find even a shred of happiness to cling to, then surely you could as well. He continued, "Surely ya got ya some friends- Or ya could find someone and settle down... start a family.... fill that house of yers with little ankle-biters- Hey, where ya going?"

Your breath hitched and you had stood up quickly, walking back the direction you came. "I'm heading back. You can follow or stay here. I don't really care," you say, trying to keep your voice even and not looking at him as you walked towards the edge of the clearing.

Yondu hurriedly stood to catch up with you. Sure, he could eventually find his way back without you, but he couldn't deny he'd get back much quicker with a guide that knew their way back in the dark. "What'd I say?" Yondu asked, correctly assuming he had said something wrong.

"Nothing. It's just late. Time to start heading back." You still wouldn't look at him, and he almost thought your voice sounded strange, like you were fighting not to cry or something.

Yondu followed you quietly, wondering if he should press the issue or not. He decided to not, convinced he would only make it worse. He hadn't intended to dig up any bad memories, he hadn't expected to find out you really were alone, although it was a sentiment he could empathize with. It's how he had been during the mutiny and Tazerface killed all his good men. Surrounded by people, and yet utterly alone.

He didn't know what it was exactly, but he knew he wanted to make it better. You weren't a child, but still, all he could see now was a sad little girl with no mama or daddy. No brother, no family. All alone. He thought to himself that if he had a heart it might be breaking. Or at least cracked a little.

He made another attempt at conversation, hoping to smooth things over. "So Quill says ya like to shoot arrows?"

"Um... yeah. A bit."

Did he hear a sniff? Surely not.

"Maybe ya could show me how ya Terrans do it sometime."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." You sniffed again, and Yondu thought he saw your hand come up to your eyes as if to wipe them.

Aw hell. You were crying. Damn. He wasn't sure what, but he was sure it had to have been something he said. He cursed himself. He hated when people cried. Bad enough when someone he stole from tried whipping out the waterworks, even worse when Quill would cry when he was scared or hurt as a boy. The only thing worse than seeing someone cry, was watching as they tried desperately to hide it, but yet couldn't quite stop. 'Cause that meant they weren't trying to get anything from you, they were just genuinely in too much pain to keep it together.

He had to do something to make you stop, so he did the only thing he could think of. He whistled.

A gentle melody played from his lips and you gasped as a streak of red shot through the air. You stopped in place from the shock and before long, you could see the outlined shape of what you could only describe as a fat little troll. It was cute, and so unexpected that you couldn't help but huff out a laugh.

You finally looked at Yondu and he saw the hint of a confused smile playing over your lips. Much better.

He could see the question in your eyes and went ahead and answered without you needing to speak. "Just thought you could use some cheering up." he said. Nice to see he's still got it. That trick always worked to cheer up Quill when he was little.

"I'm fi-"

Yondu cut you off with a shrug. "Yeah. Yer fine. Got it." He whistled again to call his arrow back. "Well this was mighty entertaining, all this... nature and whatnot. Should probably get a move on so this old man can get some sleep." He exaggerated a yawn before walking forward, prompting you into motion as well, seeing as you were the guide. "I'm sure Bug and Twig would like it out here if ya ever decided ya wanted to come out here when the sun's actually out."

You hummed. "Maybe." You tried not to stare as you walked together out of the forest. Had he really just used his weapon... to draw you a picture... to cheer you up? You wanted to laugh but you bit your tongue as you remembered he had also used it to kill a spider for you earlier that day. For as rough as he portrayed himself to be, he was definitely displaying big softie energy. That thought did make you laugh.

"What?" Yondu asked, hearing your snicker from beside him.

You shook your head, now grinning. "Nothing."

"Uh huh." Yondu said, mild suspicion in his voice as he side-eyed you. Whatever. It was better than hearing you try not to cry.

After awhile you finally broke the tree line and made your ways back across the yard and to the backdoor.

You reached the door first and pulled out your key.

"Good to see ya have some sense." Yondu said. "Quill said Terrans always leave their doors unlocked."

You gave him a look as you unlocked the door. You wanted to refute that, but you knew that, at least in the rural areas where you lived, people actually did tend to do that. You settled for saying, "Well, not everyone does. But still, it'd be really irresponsible to just go and leave the door open to any stray passerby with a bunch of obvious aliens inside."

Yondu scoffed.

"What?"

"Ya Terrans thinkin' yer the only ones in the universe. Callin' anyone not from Terra 'alien.'"

You frowned. "Sorry."

Yondu grunted and waved you off. "Eh. Ya'll get there eventually. S'pose if this place wasn't as backwards as it is then we wouldn't be able to lie low here."

You tried not to be offended at that, because he was right. That was literally the reason they were able to hide here.

The two of you re-enter the house and manage to get back to your respective rooms quietly. You changed into something more comfortable to sleep in without waking Mantis and settled into bed.

Before falling asleep you thought about the clearing and your tree. About how you needed to warn Yondu not to walk too far towards the backside of said tree.

You should really find the time to install a sturdier trap door on that tunnel.

[priortoallthoughts]

Forgiveness

Rating: T

Word Count: 1.3k

Pairing: Imperial!Crosshair x gn!reader/jedi!reader

Warnings: Hurt, angst, heavily implied character death, not a happy ending

Summary: A mission to rescue Crosshair from the Empire goes awry and not everyone makes it back to the Havoc Marauder.

Masterlist

It’s a trap, of course. You agree that springing it is the best option, but this is more than you account for. He knows you well. Knows every strength and weakness for each one of you. And it makes him the most dangerous opponent you ever face.

“We have to go! Now!” You yell into your comms, deflecting blaster bolts into the city walls or non-lethal areas of the clones firing at you.

You wish the rest of the Bad Batch held the same sentiment about killing their brothers, but you all had to do whatever you could to survive. You, the Jedi - generals, peacekeepers - were supposed to lead and protect their soldiers. But nothing had been the same since Kaller.

---

You don’t know happened. One moment you were going on with the mission and the next you were being fired at by Depa’s men and Depa was dead, and Caleb was too close to them. Turning your lightsaber on the Batch had been painful, but you didn’t have a choice when Hunter and the others ran back to you. Would they attack you like the Depa’s men had? Would you have to defend yourself against the men you’d fought beside, laughed with, cried with, and loved? You didn’t know and it scared you. But what you did know was that you had to protect Caleb. You chased after him when he ran off, calling him back when Hunter talked to you just like he always did. He was just as confused as you were.

The force screeched the second before chaos erupted around you. When you turned to deflect the shot aimed for your head, the last thing you had expected was to be looking down the barrel of a smoking rifle. There was nothing that could describe the horror you felt, and the absolute heart break.

Crosshair, your friend, your love, the one you broke your code for, had just tried to kill you.

You felt it then. If you went back to Kamino it would be a death sentence. So you escaped with Caleb. You cried when you had to cut off his padawan braid, and finally went separate ways when you were safe off planet. It would have been too dangerous to stay together while there was still a chance of being hunted down.

Finding the Bad Batch again later, missing one but having gained their young companion, was undoubtedly the will of the force.

---

Debris flies up around you and you dodge around the corner to avoid it. One building over you see Hunter, Echo, and Wrecker holding ground with their blasters raised. At least Tech and Omega are safe back in the Marauder, getting it ready.

“I’m not leaving him behind again!” Hunter yells back.

You run over to them, ducking, weaving, and deflecting as you go. “You think I want to?!” No, you would give anything to have him back again. “We don’t have a choice, Hunter!”

When you slide next to them, you use the force to push the squad of clones closing in on you away. They’ll be up again soon, but you’ve bought a little time.

“We came here to get him, so that’s what we’ll do,” Echo insists when you were in earshot.

You shake your head and frown. “We’ll have another chance, but this isn’t it.”

You know exactly what this mission is for them. Just as they know what it is for you. His name has barely been spoken by anyone except Omega, but she doesn’t know, can’t understand what he means to his brothers, or to you.

“But-”

But the mission is failing, and your window for leaving is closing.

“You will retreat to the ship and take off.”

Tears prick in the corner of your closed eyes as you allow the force to flow through you and around the three men in front of you.

“What are you saying-”

But you cut Hunter off again. “You will retreat to the ship and take off.”

You push more, find the cracks in their shields and dig into them mercilessly. What kind of a general are you, to manipulate your men like this?

“We… we will… no!”

“You will retreat to the ship and take off!”

Nothing is stronger in this moment than your will for your men to live, and you’re forcing that upon them. You feel sick.

“Stop,” someone’s voice cracks.

You feel tears running down your face and your teeth clench from the power you’re having to use to put all three of them under your force suggestion. Even more so from the pain you’re putting them through. What kind of a Jedi are you? What kind of a friend are you?

“You will retreat to the ship and take off,” you forced out around the lump in your throat.

“We will retreat to the ship… and take off.”

You flinch at his complacent tone. There’s nothing you can do to stop shaking. You’re no better than the Kaminoans using the chips to force orders on the other clones.

They run ahead to the ship and you lag behind. The least you could do was make sure they get back to the ship safely while you hold off the clones that were once again closing in. You feel a thrum of warning in the force, but you don’t react in time before a blaster bolt slams into your hip and you cry out. You fall to the ground, lightsaber bouncing out of your hand with the impact. You lose sight of it. The hail of fire you expect next doesn’t come so you drag yourself to hide behind the closest wall. The pain is almost unbearable, and releasing what you could into the force barely let you focus past it.

Gravel crunches behind you and you flop onto your back with a groan. The sun is blocked out by a dark figure, and dulled as it was you, recognize Crosshair’s force signature anywhere. You knew it as well as your own, after all.

Past his helmet, which turns to watch a dark speck in the sky, you see the Havoc Marauder escape into the atmosphere.

He crouches down next to you, elbows resting on his knees, DC-17 held casually in his hand.

“Poor little Jedi, did they abandon you too?”

His voice holds no teasing lit to it, nor the warmth you know he reserves only for you. Now it’s cold, calculating, and spiteful.

“Crosshair,” you whisper softly.

“Tell me where they’re going, scum.”

“I don’t know.”

He tilts his head. “That’s a lie,” he scoffs. “You plan too far ahead for that, general.”

You try to shift but the pain in your hip made you keen. “We both know I’m more than a general to you.”

“You’re nothing to me,” he hisses, shaking his head. “Now tell me what I want to know.”

You can’t help but to smile at him, though it feels more like a grimace. “That’s a lie,” you parrot back to him. “We’re bonded, Cross, nothing can change that.” You reach out with what little control you still have over the force and brush against that bond. It’s so faint. What are they doing to him that he’s blocking you so much? You barely manage to sit up, and when you do there’s a blaster to your forehead.

“Last chance,” he growls.

“You know I was never going to give them up, my love.” It’s hardly out of your mouth before he pins you to the ground by your throat and digs his fingers into your blaster wound. You scream, tears running down your face as you thrash in his hold.

“I’m not your anything!”

“You’re everything to me!” You whimper. “I told you I would love you until the day I die, ner ram’ser. Even if that’s today, I plan on keeping that promise.”

He stands up and points his blaster at you again while you clutch at your side.

The force swirls one last time around you, a comfort in knowing it will always be there despite what is about to happen. “I forgive you, Crosshair.”

A pause.

“I believe you.”

[9worldstales]

MCU Loki: Why I fear they failed to deliver what they promised

At this point I’m kind of confused by who the “Loki” series is trying to reach or which is the goal/message they’re trying to pass along.

They had tried to intrigue assorted audience but, if you ask me, the series has often failed to deliver what it seemed to promise.

Of course I might be wrong. Or maybe I'm not seeing another type of audience the series aimed and managed to reach.

When the series started I wanted to keep a positive mentality and hope whatever seemed not to work would be fixed along the way or have a reason for existing that I just wasn't seeing because I hadn't seen the full story yet.

However, after 5 episodes I'm starting to lose hope the series will make a genuine effort to reach the fans at whom it seemed to aim.

PART 1 – “LOKI” IS NOT FOR THE OLD FANS WHO PRODUCED META SHOWING HOW HIS TRAUMA DAMAGED HIM

"I think it's the struggle with identity, who you are, who you want to be. I'm really drawn to characters who are fighting for control. Certainly you see that with Loki over the first 10 years of movies, he's out of control at pivotal parts of his life, he was adopted and everything and that manifest itself through anger and spite towards his family." [Loki's Struggle With His Identity Confirmed To Be A Focus Of His Disney+ Series]

What was it about Loki as a character that attracted you? He’s just fun, for one. He has a very playful sense of humor about him. I like how he never quite lets you know what he’s thinking. Beyond that, what I connect to about him is the same thing the legions of fans do, which is his humanity and his vulnerability. This is a guy who—yes, on the one hand, he was the prince of Asgard, seems like a nice life—but his father, in fact, killed his actual birth father, adopted him, lied to him about his heritage and parentage his entire life, he was forced to live in the shadow of his oafish older brother who was born to be king. He’s experienced a lot of trauma, and I think that what he’s looking for is just a little bit of control over his life. Which he feels like maybe he’s never quite had. That’s something I think we can all relate with. [From Loki to Doctor Strange and Star Wars, Michael Waldron Is the New Franchise Whisperer]

Let’s be honest, the audience for the “Loki” series is not really meant to be Marvel movies old time fans who enjoyed “Thor” and “The Avengers”, made countless Meta analyzing Loki’s behaviour and who wanted answers about what happened to Loki prior to “The Avengers” or wanted to see Loki’s family terrible dynamics be discussed, or at least to see explored the wrong dynamics of Loki’s interracial adoption (he’s taken away from his planet, the truth is hidden from him, his look is changed to disguise him as an Asgardian, nothing is done against the racial hate for the Jotuns at which Loki is exposed, even witnessing it from his brother) or talk how much in control of himself Loki was during “The Avengers” (okay, the web said the sceptre manipulated Loki, but what about acknowledging that in his own series? It doesn’t have to come from Loki who had no idea he was manipulated but someone could mention ‘think yourself lucky here the stones don’t work, they’ve the nasty tendency to manipulate people’).

The series has avoided digging into all that as much as they could.

Even when Loki talks with Sylvie, the most we get is a small big about how Frigga was awesome in his eyes and taught him magic, but this isn’t meant to explain any of the issues Loki had with his family, it just make Sylvie feel bad because she can’t remember her adoptive mother, as for the D.B. Cooper born out of a bet with Thor, yeah, fun but completely random. What’s meant to be the message about family dynamics here, that it was the bets between Thor and Loki that caused Loki to decide to conquer Earth? Or what about the Sif loop? Is it there to push on Loki the blame of his poor relation with Sif?

No, clearly not.

In regard to Loki the Frigga flashback is there to remark he had a loving and supportive family while the other two are there to have Loki admit he is ‘a mischievous scamp’, ‘a horrible person’ and ‘a narcissist’.

To put it in Classic Loki’s words: ‘Damn it! Animals, animals! We lie and we cheat, we cut the throat of every person who trusts us, and for what? Power. Glorious power. Glorious purpose! We cannot change. We're broken, every version of us. Forever. And whenever one of us dares try to fix themselves, they're sent here to die.’

In short it’s all Loki’s fault if he does bad, nothing happened to him that could have messed him up, he’s just a horrible person… however…

PART 2 – “LOKI” IS NOT FOR THE OLD AND NEW FANS WHO BELIEVED LOKI TO BE A DANGEROUS, EVIL, PSYCHOPATH VILLAIN EITHER

"Loki is an a**, and that makes my life as a writer, easy." ... "Due to the trauma in Loki’s life, I would even [accept a story] in which he is committed to being all bad." [Michael Waldron on Loki: He’s an a**. That makes things easy]

Considering the series is trying to pin SOLELY on Loki his wrongdoing, completely skipping the toxic way in which he was raised you might think they want to paint him as an evil, psychopath who was just born bad.

But no, that’s not the intention, we see it from the start.

Loki is given a quick briefing on how his beloved family loved him despite him hurting them, a briefing that contains false information which would work if we accept the briefing as manipulative but, at this point I’m not so sure that was the author’s intent. The Doylist purpose of the briefing is clearly to show the audience how Loki cares for his family, how he still has feelings, feels pain at the idea Frigga and Odin died and wish to make up with his brother.

It’s not just they loved him and did nothing wrong toward him, it’s also he who loved them and didn’t mean to harm them. That’s why we’re fed that damn discourse about Loki sending the Dark Elves to kill Frigga, because the series wants to remark that no, Loki didn’t want to kill his family, he loved them.

Tom Hiddleston used to say what Loki is came from a place of pain but the series didn’t explore that place of pain… it just gave him more pain and not just in episode 1. Episode 2 has him discovering Asgard is destroyed, episode 3 has him remembering Frigga, episode 4 shows him believing Sylvie die and watching Mobius being pruned. He doesn’t cry in Ep 5, episode 5 wants us to truly feel bad for Sylvie, not for him, but there’s a lot of bitterness from Classic Loki who commits a heroic suicide so you might say we get a sad Loki anyway.

And this also works as a shock to make him change his mind about his ‘glorious purposes’. Sorta, with Thor reminding us he’s not so bad and Loki explaining his behaviour as “I don't enjoy hurting people. I... I don't enjoy it. I do it because I have to, because I've had to. Because it's part of the illusion. It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.”

Plot-wise, this is completely useless.

The show will prove Sylvie is not Loki and has completely different motivations and Mobius, being an expert in Variants, should know.

What’s more why would Mobius care if Loki enjoys hurting people or not?

His goal is to capture Sylvie with Loki’s help. The most he should care about is how to keep Loki loyal to him, not if Loki has fun hurting people or not which, in fact, is a knowledge that won’t be used in his investigation.

No, this is here for the viewers, to tell them Loki isn’t a sadistic, evil villain, he’s someone weak who tries to scare others so as not to look weak. As Mobius will put in ‘a scared little boy, shivering in the cold’ who has an ‘insecure need for validation’.

What’s more?

The show will try his hardest to establish he’s not even competent.

Let’s talk of him as a fighter.

In the movies Loki is a competent fighter and side material establish he’s pretty strong, definitely much more than a human.

In “The Avengers” we see Captain America needs Iron Man’s help to beat him and, anyway, Loki’s plan was to be captured. Loki manages to walk away on his feet when Coulson hits him with that superspecial weapon and it’ll take him to be Hulk smashed after a fight with Thor and a meeting with an explosive arrow of Hawkeye before he can’t fight any longer.

This doesn’t happen in the “Loki” series.

Loki gets beaten up by various people in 4 episodes, preferably women (B-15, the people possessed by Sylvie, the guards on the train, Sif). You might say in episode 5 he’s not but actually Classic Loki is the one who gets swallowed by Alioth and our Loki instead survives because he has Sylvie supporting him as, on his own he couldn’t even distract Alioth.

Let’s talk of him as a wizard.

He can use magic, impressive magic but… it serves him mostly nothing. In the TVA his magic doesn’t work. Outside of it is mostly useless. It doesn’t help win fights. The Tempad he caused to disappear gets broken. To beat Alioth they needs enchantment, not his own magic. What’s more, when they’ve to go on the train his disguise wouldn’t have worked without Sylvie’s enchantment and, if this wasn’t enough, he got drunk, removed the disguise and wasn’t even able to make tickets appear.

Classic Loki too, with his impressive illusions is ultimately a distraction. Alioth tears easily through his illusions which aren’t even solid.

Let’s talk of him as a planner.

All Loki will accomplish is to escape from the Time theatre for a brief period in episode 1 and figure out Sylvie hides in apocalypses in episode 2. The rest of his plans fails or are not plan or are mocked over and not even put into practice.

Let’s talk about him as a manipulator with a silver tongue.

He can’t even persuade Mobius when he’s telling him the truth, Mobius dismisses it as a lie due to ‘cockroach's survival mechanism’.

And psychologically?

He’s just someone who crave attention because he’s a narcissist scared of being alone. Not a psychopath.

Loki is not meant to be a dangerous, evil, psychopath villain in this series, he’s a not serious man, a clown, a scared little boy in need of attention, a narcissist who needs to be loved.

Welcome to cartoon villain Loki, this Loki isn’t the Variant of “The Avengers” Loki, he’s the Variant of “Avengers Assemble”Loki… only he’s even less competent than him.

PART 3 – “LOKI” IS NOT EVEN HERE FOR GENERAL MARVEL MOVIE FANS

"That's a lot of Infinity Stones. That's true but they are useless there in the TVA, so I don't know. Is that gun loaded or not? We'll see..." [Loki Writer Comments On Whether TVA’s Infinity Stones Will Return In MCU]

“We had to create an insane institutional knowledge of how time travel would work within the TVA so the audience never has to think about it again. It was a lot of drawings of squiggly timelines.” Marvel already made its case for how time travel works in Avengers: Endgame, but that, Waldron points out, “is the way the Avengers understand it.” With a TV show it’s a little different. “I was always very acutely aware of the fact that there’s a week between each of our episodes and these fans are going to do exactly what I would do, which is pick this apart. We wanted to create a time-travel logic that was so airtight it could sustain over six hours. There’s some time-travel sci-fi concepts here that I’m eager for my Rick and Morty colleagues to see.” [How the Man Behind LokiIs Shaping Marvel’s Phase 4 and Beyond]

BC: The TVA is there to clean everybody up? MW: Yeah, Avengers: Endgame… that's how The Avengers understand time travel. 'Loki,' episode one, is how the TVA explains time travel to Loki and we're certainly building on what's come before us. [Loki: Michael Waldron On Gender Fluidity, Mephisto, Time Travel & More]

It’s true “Loki” is focusing on a new corner of the MCU but it interconnects very poorly with the movies before it.

Although Loki escaped with the Tesseract... it just dismisses completely the Infinity Stones.

Despite talking a lot about timelines and creating branching realities it waved away the whole plot of "Avengers: Endgame" as apparently supposed to happen even though it should have created branching realities.

We see Renslayer wave away how the Avengers went in the past causing the Tesseract to end up in Loki’s hands... and all the other things the Avengers did that affected the past goes unmentioned.

Bruce meeting the Ancient, Thor meeting his mother and taking away Thor’s hammer, Rocket being seen as he steals the reality stone from Jane, Tony stealing a suitcase and damaging the place in which the Tesseract was kept then meeting Howard Stark, 4 flacons of Pyn particles missing, an alarm given to the military bases, how Steve managed to bring back the sceptre if that timeline was pruned, how a timeline handled being without Thanos and Co as they went in the future or how they clearly didn’t bring the orb back the second they took it as Nebula remained unconscious there and nobody came and when she woke up Thanos could get her. It didn’t even explain why Steve remaining with Peggy didn’t change anything.

It's not that the audience has all explained... it's that they were told to dismiss it as 'meant to happen' and that was it.

What's more, the TVA apparently didn't list a finger to stop 2014 Thanos from going in the future and causing Tony Stark's death.

As if this wasn't enough, “Loki” just skips any possible connection with the movies, even hands Loki false information about them (he lead the Dark Elves to his mother when Loki had no idea the Kurse was a Dark Elf and they would have found her anyway as they were searching for the Aether which Malekith could sense, he’s born solely to cause pain and suffering and death, overlooks how he saved Jane twice or helped the Asgardian escape Hela) and never discusses them again.

Even with Classic Loki, who’s a Variant of “Avengers: Infinity War” Loki, they don’t talk about what happened after Loki’s supposed dead, apparently hinting it was better if he died, nor explain how Loki knew Thor survived.

PART 4 – “LOKI” IS NOT REALLY OFFERING A GOOD REPRESENTATION FOR FEMALES EVEN THOUGH IT CLEARLY AIMS AT FEMALE AUDIENCE

Let’s make a quick experiment.

Everyone, let’s name all the characters we remember which appeared in more than 1 episode of “Loki” for more than one minute.

We’ve, of course, Loki, Mobius, B-15, Renslayer, Sylvie, C-20 and Miss Minute.

5 females versus 2 males.

What’s more, females are not sexualized, they remains completely dressed, they’re clearly not there to attract male gazes, they’re represented as strong, dangerous, in control, something archived often by showing them beating males either physically or intellectually or in rank.

It seems promising. At first.

Is there someone who’s sexualized?

The “Loki” series takes care to offer us Tom Hiddleston naked.

So since there’s an abundance of females in the cast and Tom Hiddleston is shown naked is it aiming at a female audience?

Very, very likely but… but how’s then handled all this?

When Loki is seen undressed he’s not in a situation of power, like Thor who’s twice shows half naked in his movies but because he’s changing/washing and perfectly comfortable in showing his body and once in a situation which could be a male forbidden fantasy, to have many women massage your naked body, no, he’s shown as he’s powerless while being stripped by a machine. Clearly not a male power fantasy, more like a male nightmare.

And, in a totally not surprising way, pictures of this scene were spread by many female fans because it was aimed at them… though a part of them, was also honestly appalled at seeing this scene in contest, finding the forced stripping humiliating and degrading.

Sure, a naked Tom Hiddleston makes a nice eye-candy but this wasn’t how Loki’s many fans wanted to see Loki naked.

But let’s talk of female representation here, since the show seems to be interested in female audience… only who even though this was the representation women wanted doesn’t understand much of women representation in the first place.

Why?

For start because women here are all the same type of woman.

Strong fighters who’re in control and confident, with no real characterization beyond this to speak of despite the large amount of screen time.

Renslayer is an ex-hunter who can fight one on one against Sylvie and who clearly has the position of power she has because she was good as a hunter and shows her abilities in fighting after that Sylvie had beaten 2 guards at the same time. B-15 is introduced by beating Loki and is the commander of a squad. C-20 is another commander and, albeit possessed, can dispose of a part of her squad members.

Do I need to spend words on how Sylvie is depicted as this awesome fighter who has learnt to fight by herself, can keep at bay more than 1 Minuteman, can use a sword, has learnt enchantment on her own and is feared by all the TVA? Do I?

And it’s awesome to have women who are strong fighters in positions of command/power/control… but why women has to be represented as just that?

Even when they add a female as an one episode cameo, it's Sif, beating the hell out of Loki. And what about the Lady in Lamentis 1 who was too old to be strong but managed to blast away both Loki and Sylvie seeing through their deceptions?

Even the harmless Miss Minute can avoid being hit by Loki and gets she has to pretend to do researches to stall Sylvie and save Renslayer.

Women kick asses here… but that’s all they’re good for.

And so we get to Sylvie, who is the superior Loki Variant… because she’s female.

Kid Loki: You're different. Why? Loki: No, I'm not, you see? I'm the same, really. I'm the same as all of you. Have any of you met a woman Variant of us? Classic Loki: Sounds terrifying. Loki: Oh, she is. But that's kind of what's great about her. She's different. She's not trying to take over the TVA, she's trying to take it down. And she needs me. Now, you said Alioth is what keeps us here. You said it's a living thing. You said it's a shark. Well, if it lives, it dies. So I'm gonna kill the shark. I'm gonna kill Alioth, and I could use all the help I can get.

That’s what Loki preaches to his fellow Lokis who think a woman Loki would be terrific.

I mean, they’ve an alligator Loki, a POC Loki, but the one who has to be different is the female Loki. Because being female is a character trait.

Mobius: Okay. I feel like I'm always looking up to you. I like it. It's appropriate. [Ep 1]

Basically females in the “Loki” series are all representation of the Action girl trope and aren’t even different representation of said trope. I mean, “The Avengers” have 5 actions boy who’re clearly as different as they could be. Girls can be represented as different too, if they really aim at young audience they can take good old “Sailor Moon” as an example. 5 action girls who are strong and determinate AND DIFFERENT, more than just someone who kicks the adversary away.

And it’s not like they don’t know how to characterize people in a different way.

Mobius is an analyst who shows sympathetic traits toward the Variants and a certain level or intelligence. U-92 and D-90 are hunters who are shown to held Variants in little regard (U-92 wanted to attack the boy they found in the church, D-90 mistreated the scared people in the shelter). Casey is an harmless and naïve guy who had never seen a fish. The guy who made Loki sign the papers about what he said seemed emotionless but he clearly loved cats as not only he had one but on his cup there was also the image of a cat. Martin is clearly a bossy daddy’s son, who think too high of himself to the point he can’t respect rules. The boy in the church, despite thinking Sylvie was a demon, accepted and ate food she gave him and remained in the place despite the crime. He’s clearly more brave than he looked like but he’s also naïve as he easily trusted ‘the demon’ and Mobius.

What’s C-20 character trait when she gets described by Sylvie?

Sylvie: Yeah. She was just a regular person on Earth. Loki: A regular person? Sylvie: Loved margaritas.

She’s a regular person who loves margaritas. Liking a drink is not a character trait!

There’s a more diverse female representation in “Thor” than in “Loki”.

In “Thor” we’ve Frigga, queen of Asgard, loving mother and wife who’s powerless to erase Thor’s banishment. We’ve Sif, a dangerous and loyal warrior. We’ve Jane, the amazing scientist with a lot of enthusiasm. We’ve Darcy, who’s funny and who seems focused mostly on herself but who, when the city is attacked, worried to save all the animals at the pet store.

But maybe the one who gets the worst treatment is the supposed heroine, Sylvie, because the poor girl is turned into a Mary Sue.

In case someone isn’t familiar with the term:

“The prototypical Mary Sue is an original female character in a fanfic who obviously serves as an idealized version of the author mainly for the purpose of Wish Fulfillment. She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye colour, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting; if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal. She has some sort of especially close relationship to the author's favourite canon character — their love interest, illegitimate child, never-before-mentioned sister, etc. Other than that, the canon characters are quickly reduced to awestruck cheerleaders, watching from the sidelines as Mary Sue outstrips them in their areas of expertise and solves problems that have stymied them for the entire series.” [tvtropes.org]

So let’s see how she fits this checklist:

1) She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye colour: Sylvie painted her hair blonde even though the Lokis are supposed to be black haired

2) has a similarly cool and exotic name: She is the only Loki Variant who has changed her name from Loki to Sylvie.

3) She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting: Awesome at fighting she can enchant people, an ability the Lokis don’t posses, that she magically learnt on her own and that is necessary in the story. Also she figured out how a Tempad worked BEFOREseeing it in action.

4) She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing: No flaws, all her plans involve fighting and brute force is no substitute for diplomacy and guile, which could be a flaw… if it wasn’t for the fact that the series will prove Sylvie can plan just fine without using fighting and brute strength and also be successful at it.

5) She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story: She was taken by the TVA when she was younger than Kid Loki but managed to escape them and had to live alone and on the run till then.

6) The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting: Loki, who has never loved anyone, falls for her, Mobius saves her and apologizes to her, B-15, who used to look down at Variants, basically asks her what should they do and is shown admiring her, the Lokis don’t criticize her plan, Classic Loki dies to save her, everyone views her as the superior Loki Variant.

7) if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal: Renslayer, the hunter who has arrested her, is currently playing the part of the antagonist who’s fascist and believes in a murderous, lying cult.

8) She has some sort of especially close relationship to the author's favourite canon character — their love interest, illegitimate child, never-before-mentioned sister, etc.: She’s the Variant and love interest of the titular character.

9) Other than that, the canon characters are quickly reduced to awestruck cheerleaders, watching from the sidelines as Mary Sue outstrips them in their areas of expertise and solves problems that have stymied them for the entire series: Loki, the title character, has conveniently been turned into someone who’s a weak fighter and incapable of planning which Sylvie has to save by enchanting guards or giving him her sword or pruning herself or teaching him how to enchant and coming up with all the plans.

Now all she needs in order to be a perfect Mary Sue is to know how to sing well as Mary Sue usually do this as well, though I’m sure she can do it because Loki could so she surely can.

Sylvie is amazing, Loki himself said so:

Loki: No. We may lose. Sometimes painfully. But we don't die. We survive. I mean, you did. You were just a child when the TVA took you, but you nearly took down the organization that claims to govern the order of time. You did it on your own. You ran rings around them. You're amazing!

There’s nothing inherently wrong in having a new female character who’s competent, for whom the hero falls and who changes him… if all this is built around a solid plot.

Think at “Iron Man”.

Tony Stark is, to quote Tony Stark himself a “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist”.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? But the movie shows us why he’s that.

It spends time setting up his pedigree, how he inherited the money and intelligence from his father, how he was supported as he grew and studied becoming always a greater genius. Tony shows himself to be charming before seducing his first woman onscreen so that when he does it makes sense. His philanthropic activities are, at first, just mentioned but seems rooted in how his father was a hero who helped fighting Nazi and then they became his mission. He felt guilty he was a merchant of death and tried to make up for it.

Sylvie too could have a solid plot behind herself.

Instead than magically knowing what a TemPad does and how it works and managing to escape with it, she could have escaped with, let’s say, a hunter that discovered the truth and decided to rebel to the TVA or just had pity of her. Maybe another Mobius Variant who used to work at the TVA prior to Mobius and that, instead than an analyst was a hunter. She might have learnt fighting from him and then he too died and she was left alone.

Enchantment might have been an ability she might have learnt coming in contact with a mind stone. It could have been an occasion also to talk how mind stones can influence people negatively. Or it could have been taught to her by Frigga who, with a female daughter, decided to teach her a different type of magic than Loki.

Her past could have been explored more instead than being tragic for the sake of tragic. We might have seen her fall in love and either be betrayed or have to say goodbye to her loved one because that reality got pruned. We might have seen her being interested in males and females alike as she’s supposed to be interested in both.

She could have had discussions with Loki that weren’t just about Frigga or about how the TVA kidnapped her from Asgard, she escaped and from that point on she was always on the run, or about how love didn’t feel real, but more about how they were, how they felt, what hurt them and what made them happy, what they liked and what they disliked, their ideals and their fears, things that can built up a relation.

Loki basically fall for her because she’s on a mission for revenge instead than power and seems confident. That’s his reasoning.

She falls for Loki… because apparently he’s the person who spend time with her who praised her. That’s not a solid love story, that’s desperation.

SYlvie could have flaws, she could have learnt diplomacy or persuasion from Loki or could have something she lacks and Loki has so that they would complete each other.

And since the purpose was to have Sylvie and Loki fall for each other… they could have let Loki have characteristics that can motivate the exceptional heroine to fall in love for him PRIOR to him falling in love for her. He might be shown good at something, instead than just a clown.

Even if we say the real purpose of this series was to turn Sylvie into the protagonist, the heroine, a good Loki character was still needed to explain why this awesome girl would fall for him.

So okay, there will surely still be women who can see themselves in Sylvie and imagine they got Loki… and it’s not bad really… but I think we deserved more.

Long story short, yes, “Loki” has many females in its cast and this is meant to draw the female audience… but the representation is poor as almost all of the females have no character traits and Sylvie is just a Mary Sue with no realistic characterization.

A good female representation is diverse and solid. Women don't need to be born irrealistically perfect out of nothing to be good, they can inherith and grow and learn to be as such like any human being.

Last but not least…

PART 5 – DOES “LOKI” REALLY OFFERS REPRESENTATION TO THE LGBT COMMUNITY?

BC: There is a lot of talk on social media about Loki being gender fluid. Wouldn't that actually be a natural fit for the character? MW: Yeah, I guess as, with all questions pertaining to that stuff, I think those answers, truly, are best experienced in the watching of the show, as opposed to me trying to answer them. Because it's just watching it and the way that's addressed and everything will just be more fulfilling. BC: Why do you think it's important that Loki is gender fluid? MW: I think that Loki is a character that a lot of fans see representation in. People that haven't felt represented before, and they see themselves in Loki and everything. So we want to do justice to the character, to who the character is in the comics and in Norse mythology as well. And you also … you know you want folks to feel represented, and everything. That's why it's important. It always has been. It comes from everybody on the creative team. [Loki: Michael Waldron On Gender Fluidity, Mephisto, Time Travel & More]

The series hugely spread the info that this Loki would be fluid and Bisexual. The news were welcomed with delight and it’s awesome how the series didn’t hesitate to put it on paper.

Loki being fluid was written for everyone to see, and Loki having male and female interests was spelled out for everyone to hear.

IT’S A GREAT THING!

However…

It’s all we got.

It had no relevance into the plot whatsoever, it’s just a random info we’re given.

Him being fluid was on a paper along with his other data like eye colour and birth planet.

Him being interested in males and females seems to be put there just to imply he tried a large amount of people before deciding love didn’t feel real.

Assuming the other Lokis too were fluid, they actually found terrific the idea of a woman Loki in a not positive way. They weren’t interested or asking for clarifications about what Loki meant.

Loki’s bisexuality doesn’t even get a side story, them sending Fandral to beat Loki instead than Sif because Loki cheated on him or something. I’m not upset Loki ended up with a female, this is one of the possibilities of a Bisexual person. I’m upset that this was used merely to attract the audience but then wasn’t explored. They could have said Asgard was open minded with it, or disapproved it so Loki had to keep it hidden, or it could have been Sylvie who discussed some experience in that regard.

We were told over and over it was a show about identity. We expected it to be explored instead we were just told ‘ah, by the way, Loki is bisexual, let’s move on.’ And that was all.

Having representation from an important Marvel character is always important, especially considering the shortage of representation. But honestly I expected more.

PART 7 – TO SUM IT UP

Many of the people who worked in “Loki” are fantastic actors. They worked hard for this series, I can see they tried their best.

The premises for the “Loki” series are interesting.

We get a Loki who hadn’t experienced most of what happened in the movies yet, we make him confront with someone who knows his life, the one he lived and the one he was meant to live and we also make him confront with Variations of himself.

Loki has the Tesseract and the TVA has plenty of infinity stones, we could explore them.

The TVA itself have a fascist organization that dictates people’s lives and murders whoever tries to do differently, that goes so far as to brainwash the people working in it, which mistreats and belittle the Variants and establish a manipulative cult around the Time-Keeper with elements of police brutality which could be very actual.

Time travelling was the plot of "Avengers: Endgame" they could have tied the movie to the series, esplore the why some time travels were allowed and some weren't or their effects.

There were references to plenty of awesome comics they could take inspiration from.

But unless it redeems itself with the last episode… well, so far it’s failing to deliver what it promised due to a really poor plot which doesn’t give the characters a chance to be themselves or to be characterized as they’ve no real story nor real differences to speak of.

They’re given more time than a movie as they’re a series… but that’s no good excuse for wasting said time.

I’m still hoping the last episode will be spectacular, that it’ll manage to erase the messes of the other 5… but, as of now I’m disappointed.

I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and hope they’ll surprise me.