#and i underestimated how hard these people would commit to the bit

[notjanine]

finished maybe my last ever spring break by going to two parties over the weekend and then monday classes immediately remind me that the last half of the semester is gonna be approximately five times as much work as the first half AND i need to start looking for jobs

[lincolndjarin]

Oh Honey. ✩ Chapter 5

chapter five : i'll decide where to go from here

series masterlist ao3 kofi main masterlist

a/n : happy last chapter of oh honey!!!! took a while to get out bc i was briefly on hiatus and then was in a slump (whoops) but here it is. this is another case of me writing an ending before the story so this has been the intended ending since i started and i hope you all like it as much as i do

pairing : monster!joel miller x mortician!reader

rating : 18+ mdni - explicit content, read all warnings

word count : 6.4k

summary : a look into the past and present of life in honey, west virginia

warnings, etc. : language, allusions to sex, angst & fluff, complicated relationships and people who are trying to handle them, an obscene amount of flashbacks, reader has hair and is carried by Joel, several timelines in no particular order.

“C’mere, bunny.” His stubble brushes against the back of your neck, his mouth is warm as you feel a kiss placed against your spine. 

“Mmm, what’s on the agenda for today?” You hum, pushing back against him a bit, the camper’s freezing in the winter, your heater broke a week ago and the parts Joel ordered to fix it won’t be in for a week. So you’re stuck with a little space heater you’d bought at the hardware store. 

“I was thinkin’ we’d just do this for a while.” His arms tighten around your waist and stomach with a sigh. “We could just stay in today, order food, watch a movie on your laptop.” He yawns before nestling close against you. 

“It’s too cold to stay here, it’s supposed to snow all weekend, it’s only gonna get worse. Maria even closed the home early yesterday” You groan, rolling over in his arms to press your face into his neck. The tips of your nose and ears are freezing, the two of you are under all the blankets you own, bundled up, when you peer out the window you can see the snow falling and settling on the trees. 

Joel mumbles into your hair, deeply inhaling. “Why don’t you pack a bag and we can head back to the house then. You can stay until Monday and can fix the heat while you’re at work.” 

“I hate staying at your place, all of my shit is here.” You spend most weekends at Joel’s, it’s easiest that way, but packing up all of your things and bringing them back and forth is getting tiring. 

“Just bring it with you.” 

“I think you underestimate how much stuff I need for four days.” You’re already giving yourself a headache trying to make a mental list of everything you’ll need. 

“Why don’t you just move in.” He mumbles with another yawn. “It would make it easier for both of us if all your stuff was there.” It isn’t until he realizes that you’re frozen in place that he opens his eyes. “Or not, just a thought.” 

You stammer an excuse, hoping to alleviate the tension that’s suddenly lingering between you. “I just- I don’t know if we’re there yet.”

“I didn’t mean to rush you, just thought I’d offer.” He shrugs before pulling you close again.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper into his chest.

“Don’t be. You’re right, it’s too soon for that.” 

You’ve been together for a year now, you almost never sleep apart, if anything you should have moved in six months ago. 

What’s stopping you? 

You’ve been distancing yourself from any concrete commitments for sometime now and even if he never says it you know it bothers him. When do you stop punishing him for something you claim you’ve forgiven him for? He doesn’t hurt people as often anymore, at least he’s trying harder not to. But it’s getting hard for the both of you to keep up this system of locking yourselves in his room for a week every month. 

Sometimes your cycle syncs with Maria and Sarah has to drive in from out of town to watch Ellie, it’s just generally become harder to manage. 

But you can’t leave him when he’s like that. 

On the rare occasion that you’re too exhausted to stay awake and entertain him he’ll end up in the woods and a massacred corpse ends up on your table when you return to work. 

Everytime you think you’ve found forgiveness and acceptance you’re reminded of the fact that you love a monster. A selfish choice that you make every day. And everytime you tell him you can’t live with the guilt he gives you the same option. 

Kill him. 

You’re sure he doesn’t mean to make it sound so grim, each of you have complicated relationships with death. You just don’t think you’ll be able to live without him, and it’s not like he expects you to kill him yourself, he always tells you he’ll handle it with Tommy but you always shoot the idea down and you’re back to square one. 

“I just need a little more time, I promise this isn’t forever.” You mumble as you sit up.

“I’d do anything for you, anything at all. Just tell me what to do.” 

You don’t doubt that. But he still doesn’t give you what you actually want, all you ask of him is options that don’t involve him, or any more innocent people, on your cadaver cart.

The bed is empty when you wake up. 

You knew it would be when you went to bed alone last night but a part of you, after all this time, still feels incomplete when the sheets beside you are cold. The creaking under the floorboards is the only noise in the house. 

Your alarm clock reads 6:58 a.m. and you know it’s only a matter of minutes before you need to be up so you throw the blankets aside, stretch your arms above your head, and stand. Right on cue you hear the familiar stomping down the hall before your door swings open, Ellie rubs her eyes before scurrying over to you. Her hair’s in disarray, having fallen out of the braid you put it in last night, you scoop her up into your arms, trying to smooth the mess down. 

“Good morning, little monster.” You mumble, kissing her cheek before carrying her down the hall and into the kitchen. You can’t help but wonder how much longer she’ll be small enough to hold like this. She’s already almost too heavy for you to lift for this long, and the living room and kitchen are still decorated with banners and deflating balloons from her sixth birthday party yesterday. 

Kids birthdays, elementary school, home owning? 

Even after a couple years it’s still a little dizzying that this is your life now. You set her down at the table, retrieving the generic sugary cereal you’ve grown fond of from the cabinet along with bowls, spoons, and milk, setting them down on the table in front of her. 

“Can I feed the sheep before we go?” She says before reaching for her spoon, you nod.

“If you brush your teeth without giving me a hard time.” You fill your bowls, you have to remind her to slow down a few times as she shovels cereal into her mouth, eager to go out to the barn. You’re only halfway through your bowl when she runs off in the direction of her room.   

You hear the telltale sounds of her pushing her step stool across the tile of the bathroom as she rummages through the cabinet. As you finish up your own food and tidy up you make a mental list of everything you need to do today. 

Get Ellie ready for school. 

Tend to the sheep. 

Drive Ellie to school. 

You take your phone out of your sweatpants pocket, 7:16, and text Maria to make sure they’re still good to take her this weekend. Ellie hums as she brushes her teeth when you peer into the bathroom before making your way into your own room, changing quickly, you’ve got about an hour before you need to leave. 

Drive Ellie to daycare. 

Grocery shopping. 

Oil change. 

Making lists helps. You like knowing what you’re going to do and when you’re going to do it, you’ve had enough surprises in your life, you don’t like when the routine changes. Without your routine you’d lose yourself entirely. Ellie helps, she likes structure as much as you do, you stand behind her in the bathroom now watching her finish up and making sure she did a good job. The sparkling stone on the counter catches your eye, a reminder that you’re constantly forgetting your ring. It’s a bit much for your taste but it’s a family heirloom and Joel insisted. Sliding it onto your finger as Ellie hands it to you.

Check on Ellie.

Clean the house. 

Make dinner. 

Before she can run back to her room you gently pull her back by the collar of her shirt, grabbing a hair tie off the counter you tie her hair in a ponytail before letting her go get dressed. By the time she’s ready you’ve got your jacket on, holding Ellie’s coat out for her to stick her arms through the sleeves. She already has a toothy grin plastered on her face as you both step out of the sliding doors leading to the backyard. You take her hand, knowing she’ll run ahead if given the chance, you know better than to let her out of her sight.

Dangerous things live in the woods of Honey. 

She’s pulling you along through the short path between the trees leading to the barn with a fence surrounding it. Once you’re in the clearing you let her run ahead, once you’re able to see everything around you. The air is icy and damp as you follow after her, opening the gate as she slips under the fence. The sun is just starting to break through the trees, it’s still too cold for the sheep to be out, there isn’t much exposed grass for them to eat anyway. You’ve been keeping them in the barn most days unless it warms up, today isn’t one of those days. With a high pitched giggle Ellie rushes inside, you hear the familiar sounds of bleating as she greets all of them by name. 

You watch in momentary silence as you make your own way into the barn, enjoying her little smile that warms up the freezing barn. 

“Did you turn in your project yesterday?” You sit on a hay bale, watching her run amongst the sheep before turning to you, nose red from the chill. You hadn’t gotten to ask her about it since you’d been so busy with her party, it wasn’t really a “project.” Just a little assignment for the kids in her class, to draw something important to them. 

Of course Ellie had wanted to draw her father, something you were happy to help with until she held the crayon in her fist and began to draw the sharp angles and pointed claws that you realized she couldn’t show it off to her class. You let her finish the drawing. It’s remarkable really, how someone so small and vulnerable can portray such a frightening creature without fear. 

She loves him, that’s why. 

You love him too but that doesn’t mean he didn’t terrify you. No amount of strange magical connection was going to change the fact that he scared you. The difference of course is that Ellie doesn’t know what he’s done. You had encouraged her to draw a background, concealing the mass of flesh and teeth in darkness and trees until only the two of you knew what hid behind the blue and green. Together you decided that it was a drawing of her favorite place. The national forest on the edge of town. 

“Good, Riley guessed what it was though.” She says as she pats one of the lambs gently on the back. 

“She guessed it was the Manangahela National Forest?” You give her a skeptical smile as she fills a bucket with feed before emptying it into the trough. 

“Monongahela.” She corrects you proudly. 

After all this time, you still never get it right. 

“Smart ass.” You grumble under your breath as she carefully lifts the hose, filling the water buckets. 

“Ass.” She says with a grin. 

“Don’t say that.” You point at her sternly, stifling a laugh. 

With a small huff she turns the hose off and rushes over to sit beside you and watch them. 

“She said the forest was my favorite so it was easy.” She mumbles, briefly captivated by the sheep. 

“She’s a good friend for knowing that.” You like Riley, you’ve watched the two girls play together several times before, she’s a good influence on Ellie as far as you can tell. 

“Mhmm.” She hums, the silence returning between the two of you as you both watch the sheep.

You don’t tell her that you’re going to butcher one of them tonight. 

You know that she can handle it. At this point in her life she can handle much more than any other six year old you’ve ever met but you just aren’t ready for that sort of thing yet. You haven’t been a parent long enough to know the proper way to go about that sort of thing. 

“Time for school, kiddo.” You stand up abruptly and take her hand again, watching as she yells back to the sheep, saying goodbye to each and everyone of them. 

The truck sits idly in the driveway but you ignore it, opening the door of your own car, Ellie throws her backpack in before climbing in herself. It was the first thing you’d bought with Darlene’s money. (The second thing you did was help Sarah with her student loans and put aside some for Ellie.) You hated driving the truck, it was too big and too loud, this just felt safer for driving Ellie around. Once she’s buckled into her seat you make your way over to the driver's side. The radio plays some rock song that immediately has her squealing in the backseat, with a grin you turn it up as you pull out of the driveway. 

“Is she my mom now?” 

You had been walking past Ellie’s room after your shower, wearing one of Joel’s flannels with the towel wrapped around your hair when her voice froze you in place, her bedroom door cracked open. 

“That’s not exactly how that works, kiddo.” His voice has a nervous lilt to it you don’t often hear from him. 

“Then why is she always here?” She sits up a bit and you hold your breath as Joel’s brow furrows. 

“Is that a problem?” God you hope not. 

“No, I like her.” The tension in his face relaxes with your own. 

“I’m glad you do. I like her too.” 

“So when will she become my mom?” Her persistence on the issue makes you feel as awkward as he currently looks. 

“She’ll become your mom if she wants that. But that probably won’t happen until we’re married, and I don’t know if she wants that yet either.” There’s a beat of silence, you’re heart skipping a beat at the earnestness of the conversation. The silence is quickly interrupted by the little one screaming your name as you rush back to the bathroom, opening and shutting the door to try and make it seem like you hadn’t been listening. 

“Yes, little monster?” You make a real show of stepping loudly down the hall as you push the door open. You’re greeted by the sight of Ellie trying to wriggle out of a rather flustered Joel’s arms, face red and flushed as he tries to shove her under her blankets. 

“She’s just messin’ around.” He grumbles before throwing a pillow at the giggling mess. 

Her voice calling your name from the backseat snaps you out of your thoughts. 

“What’s up?” You turn the music down as you glance at her in the rearview mirror. 

“Can Riley come over today after school if her mom says it’s okay?” 

“You’re going to Uncle Tommy’s tonight, love. I’ll text her mom and see if she’s okay with picking her up from there if he gets you guys after school. Does that sound okay?” She nods happily when you look in the mirror before going back to singing along with the radio. When you pull up to the parent drop off you get out of the car to unbuckle her, kneeling down in front of her as she pulls her backpack straps over shoulders. 

“Can we have a birthday party with Dad when he gets back?” She tilts her head to the side as she asks, you lean forward and kiss her on the cheek before pulling her into a hug. 

“Absolutely we can.” You give her a soft smile before her attention is diverted towards a group of her friends. “Be good today, I love you.” 

“Love you, bye!” She leans in to give you a kiss on your own cheek before rushing off, you watch her go, waiting until she’s in the building before getting back in the car. You send a quick text to Riley’s mom and Maria, scheduling plans for the girls before putting the car in drive as you head off towards a neighboring town. Honey has a grocery store but on days like this where you have so much free time you like to go to the nicer ones out of town. 

You turn the radio off now that it’s just you, cranking the heat to keep warm as you drive in silence. 

“We should get married.” You had brought the idea up, much to his surprise. About a year ago, as you were setting up for Ellie’s fifth birthday party, a year after you’d finally moved in. 

“Are you serious?” He had been laying on his back, under the camper, working on the more technical aspects of the project. In his shock he’d rolled himself back out to stare at you. 

Why wouldn’t you be? Sure, it took a lot of effort on his part but you finally feel like you’ve stopped holding everything against him. You had hoped that he knew that by now. 

“Why not? Everyone already thinks we are, everyone at Ellie’s school calls her my daughter, Tommy’s been teasing me about it for ages-” He pulls himself to his feet, quickly putting his hands on your shoulders. 

“Bunny, slow down.” He’s getting flustered, you swear his drawl is thicker when he gets like this.

“You’re the one who always says I take things too slow.” You frown, turning back to the flowers you’d been planting in the boxes under the window but he turns you back around to face him.

“You mean it?” His voice is a whisper and you quickly realize how much this means to him.

“Of course, I mean, we’re going to spend our lives together anyway, why wait.” You give him a reassuring smile as you tilt your head to kiss his cheek, briefly letting yourself indulge in the taste of his skin before pulling back. “As much as I’d love to talk about this more, we should get back to work if we want to finish this before she’s home.” 

He doesn’t say anything else about it as he goes back to running the electrical under the camper and you can’t help but wonder if you crossed a line. Thankfully you’re on a time crunch to finish this and your mind is kept busy. 

The two of you work in silence, almost synchronized as you move from task to task. He brings the cinder blocks out and lines the camper, creating a semi-permanent foundation as you string fairy lights along the outside and finish up planting flowers around the entire thing. Joel attaches the small porch he and Tommy made a few weeks ago that you had painted as you step inside. It’s unrecognizable after all the work the two of you put into it. The ceiling now painted a dark blue, glow in the dark paint dotted along the entire thing, when the sun goes down she’ll be able to see the stars from inside the camper. You painted the walls and changed out the curtains and sheets more to Ellie’s tastes. She’d always loved it here, when Joel was actually busy with work trips she’d stay with you in the camper. Even nowadays with you living with her and Joel she still often asks if she can play in the camper. 

Just as you’re finishing up Joel steps inside as well, testing all of the faucets while wiping a bit of sweat from his brow. 

“Think she’ll like it?” You ask, your fingers nervously twitch as you roll the hem of your shirt between them, he laughs as he leans back against the counter. 

“She’s gonna love it, s’better than any gift I’ve ever gotten her.” You can’t help but smile as he holds his arms out towards you, you quickly step into them, leaning against his chest and taking a deep breath. 

You open your mouth to speak, wanting to address your proposition from earlier quickly so it doesn’t hang in the air for too long but you hear the familiar rumble of Tommy’s truck pulling into the driveway and the two of you quickly rush out of the camper and down the steps. You straighten the bow on the door and quickly lock it. You hear Ellie’s laughter as she runs around the side of the house, Tommy and Maria walking up behind her. 

She’s excited to see both of you, a paper crown announcing her birthday adorns her head as she runs up to hug her father. The second she sees the camper though she darts right past him. 

“Why’s this here?” She yells excitedly, she knows exactly why it’s here instead of sitting stagnant on the piece of property you sold just a few days ago. You smile at Joel, nodding towards her as he leans down to pick her up. 

“She got you a little birthday present, since you’ve been so nice to her and let her come live with us.” He points at you as she immediately starts squirming out of his grasp, tossing her backpack aside as she runs up the little porch steps. She turns around to look at you with a huge smile on her face.

“Are you fucking serious?” She screams. You can’t help it as a laugh slips out of you, thankfully Tommy can’t hold it together either as Joel immediately breaks into a lecture you nudge his shoulder as you hand her the key.

“It’s her birthday, she’s allowed to say it on her birthday.” You murmur through your continued laughter. She wraps her arms around your legs, hugging you tightly before turning around and unlocking the door. “Happy birthday, Ellie.” 

She had loved her party, thankfully. And she loved her new playhouse much to your relief. 

You and Joel laid on opposite sides of her as her little snores filled the camper, she had wanted a campout as a birthday treat and you were both more than willing to oblige. You’re staring up at the faintly glowing stars painted on the ceiling when he sets the box down next to you. You grab it, wanting to ask him more but not wanting to wake Ellie up you open it. 

And you’re met with a ridiculously gorgeous ring. 

Clearly an heirloom but he’s recently had it polished, one large diamond framed by two smaller ones on either side of it. Your eyes are wide as you stare down at it, shimmering in the moon light before sharply turning your head to the man with a dopey smile lying across from you.

“Been carrying that around for a while now, if I’d known you were ready I would’a asked sooner.” His voice is low as Ellie stirs a bit and you both freeze as she rolls over closer to her father. 

Neither one of you speaks again, but the look on your face as you put the ring on was answer enough. 

The beeping brings you back to reality as you scan every item in the self checkout lane. 

You’re only feeding yourself while Ellie’s with Maria and Tommy, so you keep it simple. Another box of cereal, milk, an apple, a loaf of bread and deli meats. You’re pretty sure you have enough cheese and other essentials to get you through the rest of the weekend. On your way up to the checkout counter you grab a bag of dark roast coffee beans and a box of tampons. 

You’re out of both. 

You know you live in memories too often, especially without Joel to keep you in reality. You find him in the past when he isn’t beside you because something needs to fill the aching void that yearns for his smell, his taste, and his touch. And echoes of Joel are almost as good as the real thing. There’s a funny comfort you find in memories. Even unhappy ones. There’s no surprises in memories, you know what’s going to happen and you know you survived it.

Even the bad memories bring you comfort when he isn’t around to do it himself. 

You pay quickly, loading everything into the cooler in the car as you head off in the direction of your mechanic. When you park you’re told it’ll take about fifteen minutes, nodding as you sit in the waiting room, where your mind inevitably wanders to one of the worst memories in the hours following your meeting in the Applebees that has since closed. 

You didn’t pay attention to the road. 

Instead you stared at your hands in your lap as he drove, not bothering with the radio, the two of you stewing in your silence as he pulled into the driveway. You didn’t even unbuckle your seatbelt, he had come around the truck and done that for you, pulling you into his arms and carrying you bridal style up the porch steps and into the house, only stopping to kick the door shut before bringing you to his room, clicking on the lamp he hadn’t bothered to remove, and setting you on the mattress. 

He lays down beside you, taking your face in his hands but you immediately recoil, pushing him away. 

“What do I have to do to earn your forgiveness? To show you I’m sorry? Cause I don’t see a point to any of this if it’s never going to happen, it’ll be better for both of us if we know where we stand.” He’s right, unfortunately. Neither one of you deserves to waste the other's time if this is going to mean nothing. 

If you can’t forgive him.

“Can you at least let me love you? Do you think you can manage that?” His voice is dangerously close to cracking and you have to pray that he doesn’t break. If he can’t hold it together you know you won’t be able to either. “Neither one of us wants to deal with this but we don’t have a choice.” 

“I don’t know.” You mumble, you really don’t know so why answer with anything else? 

“I don’t even need a concrete answer, bunny. I just need to know if someday you’re going to be able to forgive me. I can’t live a life where you keep me at arms length.” 

You hadn’t responded. Just slid closer to him. 

And you let him hold you until you fell asleep, hoping that would be enough. 

Your phone buzzing is what snaps you out of your empty thoughts this time. When you open the notification you’re met with a message from Maria, a photo of Tommy sleeping in the recliner, Ellie sitting in his lap, and Riley sitting on the arm of the chair, watching whatever movie they put on the T.V. 

[ Made it back from school. Watching Treasure Planet. ] 

[ love it ] [ thanks again for taking them ] 

The mechanic returns shortly after, handing you your keys and telling you you’re good to go. The hour drive back isn’t terrible, you opt to listen to music on the way back. It’s quiet when you return home. Putting away the groceries and making yourself a sandwich as you look around the cluttering remnants of the party yesterday, the only sounds are your chewing and the soft creaking and scratching from under the floorboards.

Joel has so much pride for your home. He would hate it if he knew how dirty it was currently, the thought alone has you reaching for an empty trash bag once you’re finished eating. 

You turn all the lights on as the sun starts to set, how much time did you spend daydreaming today? You try not to think too hard about it as you start cleaning up the plastic cups and paper plates that litter every surface of the living room, popping deflating balloons and sweeping up discarded streamers and confetti. There’s a feeling of solace that comes with cleaning the house, making it feel like home once more. 

This isn’t just Joel’s house now, it’s yours as well, even if you thought this would never be the case. 

“I know that you shot down the idea last time but I want to show you something.”

“Joel, I just don’t think…” Your voice trails off as you stare at the key ring he’s holding out towards you. If you can’t guarantee that he won’t hurt people you can’t share a home with him, it’s stupid and it makes you feel childish but you can’t come home to him knowing people are still dying, even if you can’t stay away from him. 

“Just give me a chance to show you.” He puts the keys back into his pocket before taking your hand. Walking you down the hall towards his room, he stops briefly to check in on Ellie, still tucked into her own bed as you peer into her room before he closes her door quietly. “I don’t want you to think that a life with me is going to be only horrors, and I know that a part of you has already resigned yourself to such a thing but you don’t deserve that.” You’re about to interrupt him, tell him that’s not true despite the ache in your chest that tells you he’s right but he’s opening his own bedroom door and you’re too busy staring slack jawed inside. 

It’s unrecognizable from the monster cage he’d created for himself. 

Instead of resting bare and on the floor, the mattress has sheets and now rests on a low to the ground metal frame. The photos that were once taped to the wall are now in frames or pinned to a bulletin board he hung up. 

He put a rug down that covers any claw marks on the floor and he’s done his best to hang up photos and paintings over the scratches on the walls. There’s even furniture now, a nightstand on either side of the bed with a matching dresser, lamps scattered around the room make the space feel warm and lived in. 

“You- you did all this?”

“If you live with me I don’t want you to have to sleep in some sort of creepy homemade dungeon, you deserve an actual bedroom.” He whispers as you look at the paintings on the wall, all of them are Alice in Wonderland themed. “I borrowed those from Sarah’s room, we can change them out when- if you move in.” He quickly mumbles as you look up at a painting of Alice staring into a lake, her own image being reflected back up at her. 

“It’s lovely, it’s perfect Joel.” You turn back to him as he rubs the back of his neck bashfully. 

“This ain’t it, there's a few more surprises for you.” The shocked look remains on your face as he takes your hand once more, bringing you back into the kitchen and out the sliding glass door. 

You had run outside without shoes on and took down the banner hanging on the camper before rushing back in and tossing it in the trash bag. When you look at the clock it’s just a couple minutes from 7:00 p.m. You bring the bag out to the porch before washing your hands. 

You don’t bother taking a shower as you change into your pajamas, setting your ring on your nightstand, not wanting to risk damaging it as you pull up a pair of sweats you don’t care about being ruined and an old shirt you wore when you painted the bathroom a month ago. Grabbing the apple off the counter you shove it into your sweatpants pocket. Shooting Maria one last text and turning your phone on do not disturb, you tell her to say goodnight to Ellie for you before slipping your sneakers on and heading out the back door once more. 

You don’t like going to the barn alone, and you should have put on a proper jacket, without the sun to warm you, your skin prickles with goosebumps. The dark doesn’t frighten you very much anymore, and it’s easy to follow the familiar path even in the dark. Your phone flashlight illuminates the ground in front of you as you walk, you’re trying to remember if there is a specific sheep Ellie isn’t attached to.

Most of the flock is sleeping save for a few stragglers, you decide not to overthink it, grabbing a lead and putting it over the head of the first sheep that’s brave enough to greet you. The unlucky winner is one of the older sheep, making its way over to you the second you open the gate. You reward her bravery with the apple in your pocket, the only sounds in the quiet night are those of chewing as you walk her back towards the house. 

You swung your intertwined hands between the two of you as you walked through the trees behind his house. He must have worked startlingly fast to do that for you, no ones ever put in that sort of effort for you before. 

The sun is just starting to set behind you as he takes a step back and covers your eyes.

“Hey-” You start to object with a giggle as he continues walking you forward. 

“Oh hush, let this be a surprise.” He chuckles as he leads you further down the path before stopping abruptly and lifting his hands. “Surprise.” He whispers, taking a step back.

“Woah.” You exhale in shock as you stare at the barn in front of you. A white fence surrounding it. 

It’s beautiful. 

“Tommy and I grew up on a farm, we can raise whatever you want, pigs, sheep, chickens, anything you want.” He mumbles as he wraps his arms around you from behind, kissing your cheek. 

“I love that idea, but can I ask why?” You let out a nervous laugh as you turn to raise an eyebrow at him.

“That’s actually a part of your last surprise.” 

“Another?” Your voice pitches up, he built you a fucking barn, what else could he have done for you?

“I want you to know how serious I am about you moving in, I don’t want you to have any doubt.” He mumbles against your temple, inhaling deeply before pulling away and taking your hand one more time. “Come on.” He pulls you back towards the house as the sun sets for good, you walk in the darkness until he brings you to the basement entrance and pulls out the keys he’d offered you. 

Several locks adorn the basement entrance, you sift through your key ring until you find each lock's respective key, letting them drop into the grass as you remove each one. When you swing the heavy metal doors open you’re met with the welcoming warmth that comes from below. Several lamps and space heaters create a warm glow that beckons you down the steps. Almost immediately the sheep pulls away, bleating fearfully. Animals are far more intelligent than anyone gives them credit for, they know when something is wrong. 

You pull her down with you then reach up and let the doors slam down, sealing the poor thing in its tomb with you. 

You drop the lead once the doors are closed, there’s no point in leading the lamb any closer to the inevitable slaughter. 

“I have loved you since I first saw you in that bar. I have loved you every moment since, you could be cruel and terrible and I’d love you still and I’d probably deserve it. But you aren’t. You’re smart, and you care about everything, and you love everyone even if they aren’t worthy of it.” His hands caress your face as he whispers into the night air. “And you feel so much guilt for the things I do even though you shouldn’t. You can forgive me for all that I’ve done but it won’t change the fact that I’m still doing terrible things. I’ve done terrible things for so long that I didn’t really consider any other options, but you deserve other options.” 

He pulls open the basement doors once all the locks are undone, and offers his hand to you. 

“I want to show you that I can change, that I would do anything you need me to do, be anything you need me to be.” 

It’s your choice, take it or leave, he won’t hold it against you if you crack and can’t handle it anymore. But you need him to keep yourself together in the first place so you take his calloused hand in yours and let him lead you down into the darkness. 

The smell of vanilla and pine is dense down here. 

As you descend further down the steps you see the familiar set up, a few lamps and lanterns are scattered throughout the darkness as well as a couple space heaters that are only there for your benefit. A mattress you insist on putting sheets on is pushed against one of the scratched up walls, the blankets and pillows scattered about the space, you walk over to the mess, picking up the scattered quilts as you throw everything back down on the mattress. You can feel the movement behind you, the scratching against the cement as you lay down, even with the heaters it’s cold. Thankfully you know you’ll be warm enough soon.

The panicked baa’s of the sheep are swiftly silenced, replaced with the wet tearing sound that once would have filled you with dread. It’s a bit morbid how comforting you now find them, you roll over as you pull another blanket up over yourself, watching the iron chains drag across the floor as the unseen figure pulls them in different directions. 

You can see movement dancing on the edges of the lamp light, the smell of blood is almost as prominent now as the suffocating sweetness. A smile begins to tease the corners of your mouth as you hear him moving closer, the familiar, gravely voice that calls out from the dark recesses of the basement fills your ears like warm honey. 

“C’mere, bunny.”

a/n : that's a wrap on oh honey folks, once again im sorry i made yall wait so long, i hope it was worth it <3

i no longer have a tag list but for fic updates follow @lincolndjarinnotifs !!

[bimir]

it's not something strange or unique to say that after the last haikyuu movie, most of us got into it again, but at the same time, I know for sure that I'm not the only one who benefits the most from this re...union.

I went to see the haikyuu movie alone, and at first, it didn't hit me that much. maybe it was because I couldn't help but wonder how much I would have enjoyed it with my best friend, but we are grown-ups now and long distance.

after a couple of days, the internet was full of haikyuu content again, just like during lockdown, and because of that, I also got into it again and realized how much of a masterpiece it is.

haikyuu is well known, but in my opinion, it is underestimated and categorized by others as just a silly volleyball-sport anime. it saddens me so much that there are so many people who will never get to embrace this piece of art.

Furudate not only created a coming-of-age story, a story that inspired and still inspires generations to fight for their dreams, to engage in the complex mess of relationships, teamwork, and partnerships. haikyuu teaches you that if you really do have a dream, and if you are really ambitious, if you work hard for it, your time will come too. but it also teaches you that not choosing to be great is not a tragedy; your dreams of what a good life means can be different from the ideals of others: "life is unfair, but damn it, at the same time, it is really fair too."

so why did I go on writing about this? because I can't comprehend how haikyuu manages to be there for me at the best time—or the worst, better said—how it really took its "comfort anime" title seriously for me. I started haikyuu in my last year of high school: extremely stressed, depressed, and anxious, so scared of what the upcoming end would mean for me that I'd tricked myself into living by coming to the conclusion that I'd simply not make it to 18 if I didn't see a future for myself. it seemed only fair and the universe would do its thing, no? I know, kinda depressing and triggering, but it did help that miserable me then, it did help but not in the way I prayed it would. the universe didn't send me "death," it sent me life and hope through haikyuu. feeling so empty, so bland for such a long time, haikyuu managed to make me laugh and cry. it doesn't sound like much, but real ones know what I'm talking about. seeing their connection, their ambition, the troubles and feelings I was so desperate to put into words right in front of me saved me from my misery. I began to wish to live, to wish to be like them, to wish to fight, to wish to connect again with people.

now, after almost 4 years, I'm in my last year of uni. the main reason for my depression back then in high school was because I didn't know what to do with my life, what uni and career to choose. hell, I didn't know I would take this path until last autumn, but here I am, on my way to becoming a teacher. it's hard, really hard, but right now, after the new movie, I finally committed to start and finish the manga even though I knew bits and pieces of what happens. it was the best time to read it now. over these 3-4 years, I pondered why I couldn't start getting into the manga and see for myself what happens, but damn it was the best time to read it now. seeing them go all out on their path, learning that in order to succeed you need to fight and fight and fight, to push through, to overcome your limits, to push yourself, to not take it easy if you really want it, came at the best time as I got into a slump and a burnout from learning too much but also not learning enough. I've got to see all of the characters continuing to be pros while fighting for their way, but also choosing to let go of something they once loved in order to live a normal life.

haikyuu is like a reminder that there is more to life than just your high school/childhood years, that your path could take a 180-degree turn at any point, but at the same time, it makes you appreciate those times and not want to sweep your childlike wonder, your growth, and mistakes under a rug. Furudate was a genius for creating haikyuu, and I really hope and pray that haikyuu will continue to be there, to comfort and save future generations until the end of time.

[isa-ghost]

I need the headcanons, Isa. I need them like I need air. (I also have had very little time to watch QSMP overall, so all of my q!Phil info comes from you) -River

OH FUCK I WASN'T EXPECTING TO GET MULTIPLE ASKS ABOUT THEM. /POS

Here's Headcanon Set 1

NOW MORE

He's an expert at playing stupid. I don't have any actual situations from canon off the top of my head to apply this to, but his wits are sharp enough for him to pull it off when shit isn't explosively hitting the fan

He hates not being able to fly, flying is/was the main way he would de-stress. Nothing makes him feel lighter than the breeze in his feathers and a breathtaking view

This man's commitment to The Bit is so underestimated. If The Bit was a person, it'd be part of his polycule. People just overlook his ability to commit to a bit because he has to personally find the bit worth committing to

Obligatory Shiny Good Crow Brain mention. Why do you think his backpacks need sorting like once every few weeks (though he neglects them for longer than that)? And shiny is not always literal. Sometimes it means flowers or pretty types of wood or a neat mob.

Every once in a while someone can get him to laugh in a way that Almost sounds like a squawk. He doesn't know how it happens, it's like an involuntary snort laugh, but with cawing.

Unfortunately for him, playfully raising his blood pressure (stares at the kids, Tubbo, the polycule, some others) is kinda funny. It's the way he gets louder the more exasperated he gets.

He has 100% slept so hard that he snored loud enough to earn a kick in the side from Chayanne

Speaking of sleep, this idiot will pass out in that wooden chair and then wake up in the morning and bitch about his neck aching as if he isn't the reason it's aching. Lullah especially has roasted him for this

His dedication to Chayanne and Lullah can go unmentioned bc it's just so obvious but I need everyone to understand it's not just how he'd burn the island to ashes for them. It's also how he'd stop mid-tea party with Lullah, Pomme & Co, dressed the whole nine yards in a tutu, tiara & obnoxious amounts of pretend jewelry to beat the ever-loving SHIT out of a threat

At first Irish Goodbyes were unintentional (which is what made them so funny) but now it's become one of the biggest bits he's committed to. This man loves embodying that gif of the dude going ✌🏻 and vanishing.

Lullah totally told him about the Duolingo "It's Spanish or Vanish" meme. It won't leave his head now

Anytime he does the reverb voice or something he is pulling a megaphone out of his backpack and yelling into it

Because I forgot it in the first hc set and it's too funny for me not to include, I must once again tap the sign that says "Phil and Fit fuck nasty behind Fit's gym." Why do you think the shit Fit says like "big boy" gets such a reaction out of Phil? He's heard it elsewhere

He thinks he has too much self-respect to do it but if he didn't, he'd 100% be the dad to dab or whip-nae nae just to make Chayanne and Lullah faceplant on the ground out of embarrassment

Speaking of faceplanting, Lullah is so good at timing when she does it, it absolutely kills Phil every time. It's like one of the Top 5 ways to get him to crack up

Calling back to the Bit Commitment hc: "The 4th Wall" is a bit he made up and won't stop referencing. It's not that he's fail rping in meta, he's getting conspiracy-style existential as a joke and that's why Lullah hates it so much

Stealing this one from my hcs about my angel OC inspired by Phil: If you put him in water, his wings will involuntarily flap like a bird in a bath. It isn't nonstop, it's like a stim he can't help doing every so often.

He loves Rose so much. She instantly makes him feel safe. He regularly has to resist the urge to passionately gush about her to people because he knows they'd be like What The Fuck Are You On About. Rose is blorbo from his brain (little does he know, she isn't entirely)

He likes to pretend he isn't, but he's sentimental as hell. Why do you think he hasn't changed the ugly dirt shack? Why do you think he has so many backpacks of stuff? He's got that crow hoarder brain but he also just attaches to things to easily. Nostalgia and love for history has him in a death grip. Little does he know, it's a trait he's kept from his past

Speaking of his past, until I get canon story explaining otherwise, in my mind he IS hardcore!Phil but the Federation wiped his memory after somehow managing to invite him to the island. The Ender King & Rose's arrivals into qsmp canon are two very different ways of attempting to trigger his memories. What he thinks are dreams are actually those forgotten memories of what he was doing before coming to the island

Okay that's long enough, look out for a third set because I got another ask waiting for more >:)

EDIT: Here's Set 3 :D

[lovelykhaleesiii]

hmmm... Whatabout modern!chubby!aegon learning that the reader has issues with eating? I feel like that could be an interesting little story. Like nothing all that serious, just that the reader often skips meals to get to work earlier, or they cook Aegon dinner but don't leave much for themselves, because they want to make sure our precious babyboi is well-fed but don't care too much about themselves.

Aegon would notice this after a while, and lemme tell you he is NOT having it. Aegon grew up very spoiled, he's never been pressed for time when it comes to eating, nor has he ever dealt with food insecurity in terms of wealth (i.e. he's always had enough money to have 3 meals a day).

So Aegon decides he's gonna learn how to cook, so that he can wake up earlier than you and make you breakfast n things like that :)) you notice, and 1. It's the sweetest goddamn thing ever and you just wanna squish his chubby cheeks and give him kisses for it (cuteness aggression is a real thing, people), and 2. Seeing him in the kitchen with his stupid little apron, puttering around like a housewife kind of drives you CRAZY.

Maybe the reader literally pins him onto the kitchen counter and takes him like that, apron and all, while he's covered with sugar IDK

Aegon also becomes a bit of a hobby-chef because of this, which I think suits him so well. Little babyboi making a bunch of different dishes, asking the reader to try them out with a worried look on his face (he really values your opinion! 🥺). You always tell him his food is amazing though. You might hate seafood beyond belief, but when this boy makes you salmon the reader will eat the whole damn thing and tell him its michelin-star quality.

I can imagine he also puts on a bit more weight because of this. He's always been fluffy, but he maybe starts becoming a little insecure of himself? Like he doesn't quite know if you mind him being a little chubbier. That worry doesn't last long, cuz within 5 seconds, you're back home and squishing his cheeks and belly and laying your head on his soft thighs, and he realizes he really doesn't have to worry about it (with maybe some sweet reassurance from the reader?? Idk I love that shit istg 👀👀)

sorry this was so long! I just love hobby-chef chubby!aegon so I figured I'd spread the idea like a virus lmao 💚

GRRRRR bestie this is everything, some fluff for our fluffy boy <3 the detail in this was everything, I hope I give you justice!!!!

Seconds, Please?

PAIRING: Modern!chubby!Aegon ii Targaryen x fem!Reader

WORDS: 3,357.

WARNINGS: mentions of eating disorder, mentions of self-inflicted fatphobia, swearing, dry humping, smut, size difference kink, hint of food play.

A/N - I need this domestic chubby man in my life so bad, please. apologies if I changed or added a few things, it all just came to me in the moment AHAHA <3

Domestic bliss was true, and much to your cause, you were reaping the perks that naturally came with it. Aegon was a loyal, committed partner, a considerate soul, that although many underestimated his capability in a relationship, had proven otherwise...

"Babe, you barely ate your dinner last night, and now you're off to work without having eaten a proper breakfast-" He'd worriedly confessed, remaining seated at the small, circular dining table, his mouth partially full of syrup soaked waffles, as he obediently devoured the last gulp of his breakfast.

"Aeg, baby, I only just managed to whip up something for you. Couldn't leave my big boy to starve now, could I?" You tease, as you hastily gather your belongings in your tote, cutting his soft "but" as you bid him farewell, planting a fast, hard peck on the top of his short, platinum hair.

Aegon, much to his guilt, had only just recently begun to notice how little you ate, in comparison to him. The more it played with his mind, the more sinister the thoughts would become.

Had you developed an eating disorder, that he was so blissfully ignorant to all the signs? Allowing for you to endure such a thing...

Or was it, that you had grown ashamed of his overgrown size, that you felt the need to starve yourself?

Mayhaps, the stress of work and having to care for Aegon on top, your appetite had grown weary and lesser? All because he was selfishly indulgent with the affection and attention you spoiled him with...

He stopped midway to lifting the fork into his mouth to devour the final piece, closely gazing at the slice of the delectable waffle on his fork, that you'd so thoughtfully cooked for him, before throwing it back down on the plate shamefully. The intense guilt he felt brewing in the pit of his stomach, made it feel sinful to finish it. How could he, whilst you went about your day hungry? Connecting the dots, like a pieces to a puzzle, he'd noticed how recently fatigued you were, always desperate for a nap or an early night, often having finished work late from the law firm. These past few weeks, you'd been worked to the bone. The more he dwelled on your frail appearance, he'd come to realise just how weary and thinner you'd grown [not losing an abundant amount, although enough to see how loose your clothes had grown], along with the difference in size between yourself and him, was quite noticeable.

What would others think? That he was the culprit for his girlfriend's malnourishment? Him a 'greedy hog', binging and consuming everything and anything edible on sight, of course, there'd be none left for you to eat. Many of your excuses ranged from not feeling hungry at all [your mind too preoccupied with endless amounts of deadlines], or that you were too tiresome. And in the moments that you'd spared to eat, your appetite was shortcoming, and often you'd plea for Aegon to finish off your leftovers. Now he felt even more woeful, unlike before, the guilt would devour him inside out.

In conclusion... You were too good for him, he did not deserve you. Something needed to change, he did.

"No more fucking around, Aegon, fuck-" He brutally thought to himself, as he arduously heaved himself up: belly sated and full, a pudgy, sticky hand instinctively patted over his belly, as the other grabbed the dishes, placing it in the sink. He was intent on changing his outdated habits.

He could not do much to change his appearance overnight let alone in a few hours, nor was he keen to, if he was being frank. He knew you were quite fond of his new-found softness, having not complained thus far, he was not overly big. Your affections towards him would prove just how desirous you felt, on your behalf: the way his plush body would smother and pin against you when either of you felt a little frisky. And during the cold, winter nights, the way his extra padding and natural body heat would radiate, acting like insulation, as he held you tightly in his thick arms. You felt so incredibly secure. It was a feeling unlike any other, and he refused to take that away from you.

It was time he took charge...

****

"Aeg, I'm home!" You tiresomely call out, breathless as you walk in with your brimful bag and more paper work clutched desperately in your hands, more than what you had initially left home with.

Yet, no response in return.

You slowly linger through the hallway, as you remove your heels, adjusting the papers in your hand, before walking down.

"Aegon-" You worringly repeat once more.

Aegon was often at home most days of the week, for his family owned a wealthy, accounting business. Growing up rich and dependent, it seemed that Aegon grew accustomed to this comfortable lifestyle, and you truly couldn't blame him, he had no part. Although, his parents financially supported him even till now, and provided maids to attend to his needs during his youth, his parents remained absent: often he'd express his discontent with them, and rightfully so. However, he'd just messed up a huge investment opportunity, and was temporarily suspended, thus, he was at home for most of the time. Sitting around, finding solace in snacking to get by the long, lonesome hours, as he eagerly awaited for your return from work. Nonetheless, you had a soft spot for him, and tried to go above and beyond for him, to prove he did not need them anymore...

"In the kitchen-" He loudly yelled, followed by thunderous clangs of metal pots/plates. Your nerves began to set in, was the meals you often prepared for lunch and left in the fridge, not enough? Perhaps, this time they were not tasteful enough for him?

"Hey, baby-" He warmly coos, as he walks over towards you, planting a soft kiss on your flustered cheek.

"Sorry, I've made a bit of a mess, not used to where everything is. I promise, I'll clean it up once I'm done-" He pleas, as he walks back towards the oven where, what appears to be a freshly made pizza is brewing.

In silence, you gradually examine the surrounding and Aegon, himself. Although the kitchen was a rightful mess, used plates, sauce, chopped vegetables, pepperoni slices, and shredded mozzarella strands spread all over the counter, like some deconstructed art piece. And Aegon, donned in a white apron that was now completely soiled, with a smidge of what seemed to be flour across his cheek, your heart was full. Placing your bag just before the entrance to the kitchen, and the papers on a clear, clean spot of the dining table, you walk towards Aegon slowly, still focused on the sight before you.

"Aeg, W-What's the meaning of all this? Did you get hungry again? Was the lunch I made not enough?"

"No, no, Y/N. You've done plenty... In fact, more than enough, it's just-" Having wiped his hands clean with a dishcloth, his hands had reached over securely gripping you by the sides. Guiding you over towards a seat by the dining table, you sit down, as he plops himself on the seat beside you, as he pulls your chair closer towards him with ease.

"Y/N, I've noticed how little you've been eating these past few days. And if I'm being honest, it's worrying me, my love-" His soft, fleshy hands reach over to grip yours, firmly holding your small hands in his, as his thumb strokes your skin.

"I-Is there something I should be concerned about, because you know you can tell me anything, right? I-I just want to help you." His low voice breaks, stuttering with concern, as his troubled eyes remain fixated on you.

You can't help although smile, as you now return the gesture, giving a reassuring squeeze of Aegon's soft hand.

"Aeg, please, I am fine, truly. You have nothing to stress about. It-It's just work, I feel like I have no time to waste doing anything really. And I guess, I've been more focused on making sure you've been fed and tended to, than myself before work takes a hold of me... I just didn't want you to think I'd neglected you. Forgive me."

"Fuck, Y/N, what are you to be sorry for? I should be the one apologising... I've been such a hog, so blind to everything you've done-"

"Aeg, please-"

"Seriously, baby... You are just-[sighs], you're just a little too good to me, but I'm willing to change. That's why I did this, trynna' learn to cook for us, princess, so I can be the one taking care of you for a change..."

Nonetheless, Aegon remained true to his word. The home-made pizza he'd so lovingly yet chaotically made that night was a complete success.You teased whether he'd cunningly ordered out and acted as though he'd actually made it.

"Aeg, this- this is seriously so good. It's fucking delicious-" You excitedly exclaim in between each mouthful, as he anxiously awaits for your response by your side. At first, he was in denial, exclaiming that it was just out of niceties, or his beginner's luck in the kitchen. Although, pleading your case, like the competent solicitor that you are, your compliments earn an immediate, genuine smile from Aegon. Beaming across his plump face, his cheeks blushing a subtle tinge of pink, as this was a first for him, and rightfully so, it was an ultimate success.

****

In the months coming, Aegon had grown a hearty passion for cooking, especially because it meant he could provide for you. In his spare time, he'd been searching for various popular recipes/dishes he'd heard of. Other times, he'd ask for your preferences, finding out your favourite childhood meals, eager to reminisce your youth over dinner.

Eventually, he grew more confident with his skills and even began taking risks. Daring to cook meals with ingredients, he knew you were not typically a fan favourite of, and would avoid at all costs. He often always joked about how your eating habits resembled to that of a toddler.

As he was grown spoilt and with a cultured taste, he was acquired to most things, having dined in various, fancy restaurants and fed a range of diverse cuisines. Whereas, yourself, you were not so indulgent with different delicacies and palates. He was eager to change your mind, for he was not a picky eater at all.

You'd awake to your alarm that you'd set for your daily morning walks, blaring at your ear-side from the wooden bedside table, only to stretch and be met with a cold, empty bedside and Aegon missing. Although, the faint ruckus that followed, opening the bedroom door, to a distant bright, yellow light beaming from down the hallway from the kitchen, you'd follow, only to find Aegon hard at work in the kitchen.

"Sorry, princess, did I wake you up? I just was about to cook you something for breakfast and lunch on the go. I was just thinking to make you some salmon tonight for dinner, baby. I know, I know! It's not your favourite but I found this recipe, I'm really eager to try, and I thought you'd might like to... You know, helped to expand your horizons a little."

Although it took you much convincing, Aegon noticed the disdain look on your face, unpleased by his plans, you still caved in. Those puppy eyes with those cheeks, were irresistible, you could never deny him. And yet, Aegon's cooking never ceased to disappoint you thus far, so why turn away now? As much as you had been dreading the dinner, feeling your appetite growing weaker throughout the gruelling day at work, Aegon's salmon dish was shockingly delectable. The richness and zest of the salmon infused with the spices, combined so tastefully and the texture was just right, you could've sworn you'd moan, a visceral reaction from how good it was.

"Aeg, baby, what sorcery is this? How am I enjoying this, you know how much I hate seafood...And yet, this could so be worthy of a Michelin Star!" The bewilderment set in stone in your voice, as you politely cover your mouth with your hand. Aegon always made a habit of waiting for you to eat first, before tucking in himself. He was always anxious for your approval, only to be met with countless compliments, you felt like a broken record.

"Really, baby? You mean that?" He persists, as he picks up his own cutlery, keen to unveil the taste.

"Trust me, Aeg... If I didn't like it, you'd know for sure!"

****

Eventually, Aegon took the reins of cooking, which much to your relief, meant one less thing to worry about, even if it took you a while to get accustomed to. Aegon insisted that you should continue to focus on work than having to feed him regularly.

"I'm not a little child anymore, Y/N, let me show you how well I can take care of the both of us now."

Although granted on your days off, after you'd have a decent, well-earned sleep in, you enjoyed helping him around the kitchen... It was a hard habit to break of Aegon's when it came to the cleaning aspect, he was a tad lazy and slow, so often, if given the chance, you'd help around washing, drying and packing away dishes and ingredients. Cleaning up his mess along the way, as you closely watched him from the sidelines, a true professional in their mastery.

It was only in these intimate moments, that you'd notice Aegon had grown a little rounder, more softer around his edges. The subtle double chin beneath his jaw was more prominent, and his jaw line now fading with mounted with flesh, his cheeks looked slightly more plump [the urge to kiss and nibble at them became exponential], and the apron he'd worn so often, how tightly snugged, barely able to tie from behind, as his stomach had protruded even more beneath. His figure could not be hidden, and yet, it made you fall for him even harder.

Aegon immediately noticed you openly eyeing him out, too deeply distracted by his figure, as your eyes fluttered over every inch of him.

"Y/N, what's wrong? What is it?"

Hastily snapping back out of your lustful thoughts, you felt flustered, being put on the spot like so. You hadn't even realised that Aegon had caught you, perhaps as you fell into silence, observing him strongly kneading the dough, preparing to trial out his attempt of focaccia.

"N-Nothing, Aeg, I-I just noticed, maybe you need a new apron... That one looks a little worn-out, and slightly uncomfortable."

Your meek attempt at subtleness was poor and Aegon knew exactly what you'd meant. He knew he had grown, putting on a few extra pounds since exercising his new found hobby, although he was foolish to think you would not notice. You should be disgusted by him, even in his efforts to tend to you, he was selfishly gorging himself. Had he no self-control?

"I get what you're saying, Y/N. I feel ashamed too, for the way I've become, I-I'll try to get out s'more and maybe I can go on those morning walks with you?" He bashfully looks back down at the dough he'd stopped kneading, trying to talk firmly with you.

"Aeg, please! That's not what I meant at all!" You urge, as you hastily leap off the chair, bounding towards Aegon as you instinctively wrap your arms around his thick waist, your small arms just barely interlinking.

"Don't you ever, ever think I could be ashamed of you, Aeg! Do you think that low of me? I love you, and if I'm being quite honest, I think I've actually fallen for you harder..."

You playfully look up at him, your head resting just below his broad shoulder, as you perk your eyebrows up and down teasingly, gesturing for something more.

"And what exactly, do you mean by that?" He questioned, as he finally covered the kneaded dough in bowel, waiting for it to rise, before turning to face you.

"Well, I mean your as soft as that dough, your cheeks, I could just squeeze, and those lips- Gods, your lips, Aeg-"

You tug him by the apron, gesturing him to lean down, as you plant a soft, long kiss, your tongues entwined as your share a passionate moment. Just as you'd expected, his lips felt so soft and moist, you had the sudden urge to gently bite down at his lower lip, and helplessly you did, tugging at it. Earning a cocky smile streaming across his face, you let go, aimlessly gazing up at one another with desire.

"Hmm, tell me more, princess."

"And this belly-" You grab a firm hold of his flesh, slightly jiggling against your rapid motions, as you eye his physique below and back up towards him, his attention following you.

"It's just calling for me to straddle you, I can't help but imagine how good it would feel to ride the fuck out of you, and these thighs- You've been so busy in the kitchen, stuffing your roasts and gorging yourself, you've forgotten about little, old me. You don't miss filling me up, big boy?"

Immediately, in such a swift motion, Aegon turns to steadily pin you against the counter instead. His full undivided attention, solely on you, licking his lips as though you were some type of dessert he'd just feasted his lilac eyes upon, as he presses his solid mass against you, feeling yourself helplessly squirm beneath his tender pressure. Adjusting himself in the right position, it didn't take a genius to realise, someone had grown a little excited by the realness of your words, and in sync, you felt a throbbing, familiar ache coursing from deep within your inner thighs.

"Look at what you're doing to me. Do you think that low of me, that I would forget my little princess, hmm? Your needs come first, always."

He plunges his soft face deep within the crook of your neck as he sucks on your floral fragranced skin, with each kiss he felt eager to devour you, you were certain by his harshness that he'd left a trail of fresh marks. His hands snaked down your waist, below to your ass, sensually massaging at your cheeks, as he pushed your body deeper into his, specifically your lower abdomen region, where you felt his bulge poking through his seems, desperate to be inside of you.

You felt your body slowly pacing up and down against Aegon's stocky frame, one of his thighs, found their way in between your legs, parting your entrance. You began to mimic the movements as you would if straddling him from atop, as he kept you supported, rocking yourself backwards and forwards against his clothed, chunky thigh. The friction beneath and Aegon's groans so close against your ear, was unnerving. You could sense the trickles of wetness beginning to ooze out of your eager cunt, soaking your sheer panties beneath.

"Aeg-Bedroom-" Moans in between your breathless words, you felt too feeble to form coherent words, as you felt his swollen gut, pressing deep against your breasts, flashing them upwards. One of your hands remained firmly tugging and pulling at his short, platinum locks, whilst the other dug nails deep into his meaty flesh, leaving a trail of marks behind.

"Bedroom-now."

Without hesitation or thought, Aegon picked you up with such ease, carrying you over his thick shoulder, you felt puny against his strength. Earning a small, light giggle from you, he felt invincible. Oblivious for what was to come, it seemed Aegon was keen to show you...

Just before he'd rush to make a beeline for the bedroom, he stopped by the fridge, opening the freezer door, and instantly grabbing the frozen tub of his favourite chocolate ice-cream.

"Better not waste this, we can definitely put it to some good use."

GENERAL TAGLIST - @evenstaris @chompchompluke

[anonymousewrites]

Logos and Pathos (AOS Edition) Chapter Two

AOS! Spock x Empath! Reader

Chapter Two: In the Academy

Summary: (Y/N) continues on in Starfleet and meets someone unusual, but not unlikeable, at the Academy.

            (Y/N) focused intently on their notes in the lecture. Stubbornly, they ignored the feelings of confusion and general negativity that always accompanied higher-level lectures. Some students just never had a good time. But (Y/N) was determined to focus through the haze of emotions. They had been around empaths their entire life—a few non-psychics with less psychic presence wouldn’t be a problem.

            “That’s all for today,” said the instructor, and everyone packed up and left.

            (Y/N) threw their back over their shoulder and walked out of the room. In their head, they planned how they were going to fit the homework for this class into their study schedule for midterms coming up.

            “Hey, (L/N), do you want to study later?” said their friend Uhura—a student a few years behind them but advanced enough in languages to be taking communications courses with them.

            “Sure,” said (Y/N), smiling. “But is your roommate Gaila coming?”

            “I don’t think so. She’s going out tonight on another date,” said Uhura.

            “She isn’t bringing another guy back to your room, is she?” said (Y/N).

            “I hope not. I’m going to have to talk to her about that if we keep rooming for the next few years,” sighed Uhura.

            (Y/N) chuckled.

            “I wish I was in your year, and then I could room with you,” said Uhura.

            “I have my own room for accommodations against being constantly overwhelmed by others’ emotions,” said (Y/N). Their empathy wasn't a disability, but it was a cause for accommodations where they could be given, and Starfleet was committed to serving the different needs of its students. “So I don’t think that would happen.”

            “Oh, right,” said Uhura, nodding. “How are the rest of your classes going?”

            “I’m in my last year, so they’re just getting harder and harder,” said (Y/N), smiling.

            “I still have like…two years until that level of difficult,” said Uhura. “For most of my courses, anyways.”

            “Don’t you have three years of school left?” said (Y/N), raising an eyebrow.

            “I’m going to finish early,” said Uhura confidently.

            “That’s going to be a lot of hard work, but if anyone can do it, it’s you,” said (Y/N).

            The pair walked into one of the dining halls and went to grab food.

            Uhura grinned. “I’m glad someone takes me seriously. Sometimes some of the students are so condescending. Especially the ones in our communications class.”

            “Right, they think because they’re older they’re smarter,” said (Y/N), laughing and rolling their eyes.

            “Are they like that with you?” asked Uhura.

            “A bit, yeah,” said (Y/N). “I don’t go around talking about test scores or grades with everyone, so they think that I’m not doing well.”

            “I’ve heard them mention your psychic abilities. Does the empathy make it harder?” asked Uhura.

            “No,” said (Y/N), smiling. “Some people don’t want to take me seriously because I’m an empath and focus on emotions.”

            “Ugh, are they some of those ‘facts over feelings’ people who just ignore that the world needs both?” said Uhura, rolling her eyes.

            “You’re perceptive as ever,” said (Y/N), laughing and sitting down with their friend.

            However, Uhura’s words rang true. Due to their attractive features and impressive empathy, people perceived them as weaker than they really were. They were constantly underestimated, not taken seriously. They didn’t see (Y/N)’s ability to sense emotions as an advantage; they saw it as a weakness because, to them, emotions clouded judgement.

            They couldn’t see the whole picture. (Y/N) could. In the real world, facts were helpful, but the emotions within people, people affected by facts, were just as significant. (Y/N) understood that, so no matter how many times people overlooked their dedication to Starfleet as a passing folly of someone in tune with emotions.

            “Hey, (L/N), what are you up to today?”

            (Y/N) sighed as the familiar emotions that made them disgusted flew over them and they turned to see the face of a familiar classmate.

            “Flynn,” said (Y/N) civilly. “I’m studying.”

            “Are you sure you’re not interested in going out? Tonight? With me?” said Flynn, grinning.

            And there was the beauty issue. It wouldn’t be a problem if (Y/N) was just attractive and that was it. But no. People had to make it a problem by thinking that they were just a pretty face. That they were making their way through the academy by being attractive and giving a smile to everything. That they were someone everyone could flirt with successfully.

            (Y/N) certainly couldn’t change anyone’s mind on the first two issues. But the third was not something they let slide. They were their own person and deserved to be respected as such.

            “No, I’m not,” said (Y/N). “I’m studying tonight.”

            “Oh, come on, it could be fun,” said Flynn. “I know how to have a good time.” He winked.

            “They gave you their answer, Flynn,” shot back Uhura. “Go back to your friends and leave us alone.”

            “I’m waiting for their answer,” snapped Flynn.

            “Which I already gave you. Twice. I’m not interested in you,” said (Y/N), lacing their fingers. “So I’d appreciate being left alone.”

            Flynn scowled and stomped away.

            Uhura rolled her eyes. “What a jerk.”

            (Y/N) waved a hand. “Nothing I haven’t dealt with before. His pride is wounded. He won’t try it again.”

            “I’m sorry you have to deal with that,” said Uhura.

            “It’s alright. We’ve all had bad experiences with people,” said (Y/N), smiling.

            They just got more than others since they had a bit more of an attractive face than others. Luckily, (Y/N) could sense people’s emotions when they approached them and knew if any connection was going to be genuine or for the sake of their own fun. And (Y/N) knew one thing: they weren’t going to date anyone that didn’t really care about them as a person above anything else.

l

            (Y/N) sighed as they checked the clock. “I should head back to my dorm,” they said. “I have a longer walk than you, and I have a lab in the morning.”

            “Alright,” said Uhura. “I should sleep, too. I have an exam tomorrow.”

            “Good luck,” said (Y/N), waving as they left.

            They headed through the Science Quad of Starfleet Academy towards the upper-classroom dorms. The sun had set already, but lights illuminated the well-worn paths. (Y/N) hoisted their bag farther on their back as they passed the largest lab building.

            “Hey.”

            (Y/N) stopped as a voice called out to them from the lawn next to them. Flynn stepped out, flanked by his friends Stephenson and Boone. Feeling the tension of their emotions resting heavy in the air, (Y/N) narrowed their eyes.

            “You still uninterested in going out?” said Flynn, crossing his arms.

            “Yes,” replied (Y/N) instantly. “I’m heading back to my dorm.”

            “Oh, then how about I come with you?” said Flynn, and his friends snickered.

            “I’m not interested in you, Flynn, or what you have in mind,” said (Y/N). “Leave me alone.”

            “Hey, don’t be so mean to Flynn. He’s a really great guy,” said Stephenson, stepping up.

            (Y/N) gripped the strap of their bag tighter. “That doesn’t mean I have to be interested in them.”

            “Oh, come on, a nice, handsome guy deserves such a pretty person,” said Boone. “Just give him a chance.”

            (Y/N) glanced around. They were alone. “No. I’ve made myself clear. If you continue to harass me, I’ll report you.”

            “Report me? Why? We’re just having a conversation,” said Flynn, stepping a pace closer.

            (Y/N)’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t take another step towards me. I know what you feel. Just leave me alone.”

            “Don’t be so rude,” said Boone.

            “We’re being nice,” said Stephenson.

            “Come on, just try having some fun,” said Flynn, reaching out.

            The moment his hand touched (Y/N)’s arm, the emotions became unbearable, and (Y/N) reacted to protect themself. They swung their back, and it hit Flynn in the face. He fell back to the ground. Stephenson and Boone jumped in surprise and turned towards (Y/N).

            “Don’t touch me,” said (Y/N), holding their bag tightly. “Don’t ever touch me.”

            They were ready to swing again. Backing up, they kept an eye on Boone while Stephenson helped Flynn up. Only one option left. (Y/N) turned and ran. They ran until they were out of breath, legs burning from strain, and safely back in their dorm.

            (Y/N) frowned and held their bag tightly. They had never had anyone trying to flirt with them go so far. (Y/N) had a feeling—that had nothing to do with their empathy—they had just brought trouble to their life.

            But I did the only thing I could. It was the logical thing.

l

            “Cadet (L/N)?”

            (Y/N) looked up from their books to see an academy administrator standing next to them. They quickly stood at attention.

            “Sir,” they said.

            “Cadet (L/N), you are requested to come before the Starfleet Academy Committee of Student Behavior for a disciplinary hearing,” said the officer.

            “May I ask for what, sir?” asked (Y/N).

            “For violence against another cadet.”

            Flynn.

l

            “Cadet (L/N), you stand accused of an act of unprovoked violence against a fellow Cadet, Cadet Flynn,” said the leader of the disciplinary committee, Barnett.

            (Y/N) stood before them, circled by men and women with severe expressions in grey uniforms. They straightened their shoulders, wearing their red uniform proudly.

            “The accusation is substantiated by Cadet Boone and Cadet Stephenson,” said another council member.

            (Y/N) didn’t glance to their left where Boone, Stephenson, and Flynn sat. Their smug satisfaction was smog in the air.

            “What have you to say in defense?” said another counselor.

            “I admit I was in an altercation with Cadet Flynn,” said (Y/N) firmly. “But Cadet Flynn initiated. I responded in self-defense.”

            “That is not what Cadets Flynn, Stephenson, and Boone claim,” said the counselor. “They claim you lost control of your anger and frustration due to the pressure of testing.”

            Using emotions against me because I’m an empath. (Y/N) refused to show their annoyance.

            “What do you claim occurred?” said Barnett.

            “Cadet Flynn accosted me with Cadets Stephenson and Boone. I attempted to leave the situation, but Cadet Flynn turned physical, so I defended myself from harm,” said (Y/N).

            “Do you have anyone to substantiate your claims?”

            (Y/N) paused. “No.” Flynn’s self-satisfaction grew.

            “If I may.”

            All eyes turned to one of the officers observing the hearing. The room was large, but since this wasn’t a large issue, only the committee, cadets involved, and any officer who wished to be up-to-date with the issues of the academy (some were very involved in improving the campus so kept informed on these types of problems and altercations).

            The officer stood in a grey commander’s uniform. He had short, black hair and brown eyes. Severe eyebrows were offset by pointed years. He was a Vulcan.

            “Commander Spock,” acknowledged Barnett. “State your business.”

            “I am a witness to the altercation in this hearing,” said Spock.

            (Y/N) furrowed their brow. But there had been no one around. Still, the fear that spiked through Flynn, Boone, and Stephenson satisfied (Y/N).

            “I was in the laboratory preparing scenarios for a new Kobayashi Maru simulation,” said Spock. “I noticed a group of cadets outside of the window due to the strategic placement of Cadets Boone, Flynn, and Stephenson around Cadet (L/N). It was an attack formation like that of starships.”

            “We were just talking to them and standing there,” burst out Flynn defensively.

            His nerves betrayed the lie to (Y/N)’s empathy, but that didn’t matter.

            “Sit down, Cadet Flynn. You will begin another chance to speak if you wish,” said the counselor severely, and Flynn wilted. “Continue, Commander Spock.”

            “Cadet Flynn, Cadet Stephenson, and Cadet Boone moved closer to Cadet (L/N), who attempted to extricate themself from the situation,” said Spock. “Cadet Flynn then grabbed Cadet (L/N)’s arm. Cadet (L/N) swung their bag and hit Cadet Flynn in order to separate themself from any farther harm.” He held himself formally, and his gaze flicked out over the group. “They did not initiate the altercation and acted only to escape the dispute.”

            “Cadet Flynn, you may speak again,” said Barnett.

            “He’s lying. I don’t know why, but it’s not true. That Vulcan is just covering for the empath, another psychic, messing up and losing control,” said Flynn, panicked and emotional.

            Not acting rationally. A mistake in this situation, thought (Y/N).

            “I am a Vulcan, Cadet,” said Spock. “I do not lie.”

            Flynn paled. Not only was that a true, known statement, but Flynn had just made a bigoted statement against a commanding officer, a distinguished graduate of Starfleet Academy.

            “Thank you, Commander Spock,” said Barnett.

            Spock nodded.

            “Cadet Flynn, Cadet Boone, Cadet Stephenson, we will reconvene tomorrow for a disciplinary hearing on your actions,” said Barnett, looking at the three men. “Cadet (L/N), you will be called as a victim in the incident, but you may leave for now.”

            “Thank you, sir,” said (Y/N).

l

            “I’m glad those three got what they deserved,” said Uhura after (Y/N) explained everything that had happened. “Otherwise I would’ve been in an ‘unprovoked altercation with them.’ No one hurts my friend.”

            (Y/N) laughed at Uhura’s fierce loyalty. She was truly a great friend. “Thanks, Uhura.”

            “At least Commander Spock in defense of you,” said Uhura. “Cadets and officers respect him.”

            (Y/N) nodded. “It was my word against three men, so his statement helped.” They paused as they saw the very man they were speaking about walking across the quad. “Oh, there he is.”

            “I can tell you want to go and speak to him,” said Uhura.

            “I didn’t get a chance to say thank you for his appearance during the hearing,” confirmed (Y/N).

            “Go on. It’s almost class time for me, anyways,” said Uhura. “Bye!”

            (Y/N) waved before walking across the quad. “Commander Spock?”

            He paused and turned to face them. “Cadet (L/N),” he acknowledged.

            “I wanted to thank you for speaking at my hearing,” said (Y/N).

            “It was three men accosting a single individual. It was evident their words would be taken against yours, even if a lie. The logical choice was to step in,” said Spock.

            (Y/N) nodded in understanding. “It was still helpful, so thank you.”

            “Do you have a class?” said Spock.

            “No,” said (Y/N), shaking their head. “Not for another hour.”

            “Would you be opposed to answering a few questions in regard to your empathy as a Celian? I have not met another, and I appreciate an understanding of the more promising cadets graduating,” said Spock.

            I’m a promising cadet? (Y/N) stood a little taller. They had been working very hard for years to prove their skill. To hear it recognized felt nice.

            “I don’t mind answering any questions,” said (Y/N), smiling.

            Spock nodded and began walking once more, likely towards his office or a lab. (Y/N) followed alongside him.

            “What is your specialty?” said Spock.

            “Negotiations and Communications,” said (Y/N).

            “Your empathy assists you in gauging reactions,” said Spock, nodding.

            (Y/N) nodded. “But I work around it when I can’t sense their emotions,” said (Y/N), smiling.

            “There are limits in all psychic abilities,” said Spock. He glanced at them. “Are you able to sense my emotions?”

            “No. Vulcans do not embrace or react with their emotions, and they have psychic blocks for just such things, so I cannot sense their emotions,” said (Y/N), smiling. They didn’t mind having a “weakness.” They didn’t need to sense everyone’s emotions all the time. They were good with people anyways. “Though I likely could if I touched someone blocking their emotions. The contact allows for a connection to form.”

            Spock nodded. These were logical vulnerabilities and solutions. “And Celians embrace their emotions.”

            “Well, we had to,” said (Y/N), laughing lightly. “Our planet found peace by embracing the idea of respecting others’ emotions and working together when someone is in pain. If we hadn’t, we would have destroyed ourselves.”

            “A very different culture from Vulcan,” said Spock. Celia’s solution to strife was to embrace emotion; Vulcan’s solution was to reject emotion. “Fascinating.”

            “It is interesting,” agreed (Y/N). “But they both found peace, so that’s what matters. I think the humans call it ‘two sides of the same coin.’ ” Their golden eyes gleamed in amusement. “Logos and pathos.”

            Spock raised a brow in the slightest betrayal of mirth. “Quite.”

Taglist:

@a-ofzest

@grippleback-galaxy

@genderfluid-anime-goth

@groovy-lady

@im-making-an-effort

@unending-screaming

@h-l-vlovesvintage

@neenieweenie

@keylimeconstellation

@wormwig

@technikerin23

@ilyatan

@nthdarkqueen

@kyalov

[gomzdrawfr]

HELLO!

I just wanted to pop and here and ask a Lil smt, I'm unsure if you've been asked this before and if I'm being honest I don't want to spend hours trying to find smt that idk if it's been asked before lmao-

But! I was wondering If you could describe your OCs Jelly and Raven's personalities and how they act?! If that's okay ofc, thank you!!

*casually slides back through the window waving enthusiastically*

Hey there! thank you for this ask, it's going to be a long answer so buckle up and get some tea xD let's start with Jelly first because she is still a relatively new OC, I haven't develop her story completely yet.

cw: there'll be mentioned of suicidal idealisation on Raven's part, some canon-typical violence here and there

Jelly's a silly gal, initially the one OC that I want to make it so that she's relatable to most people (around my age at least) and project my chaos and goofiness on. She's bubbly and kind, a bit awkward and sometimes a dumbass but this kindness isn't born from naivety but rather it's a choice. Shaped by her tragic upbringing (when can I make an OC that doesn't suffer? likely never, anyways), she has felt and seen first hand what it's like to be disregarded and overlooked, knows how it feels to be underestimated, to be someone you're not, thus this makes her perceptive to emotions and empathetic. She's the type of person who will go out of her way to help someone, even if it means putting her own needs aside.

She's a bit of a geek, anime, gaming, figurines, fan fiction, you name it she'll love it. Though she doesn't show it outwardly in fear of judgement, you'll see trinkets/merch in her workshop. Though if you approach her on those topic, she'll gladly yap about it with you.

Think of her like a mix of orange cat and golden retriever.

Now when it comes to Raven...oh boy, this one's a lot to unpack here.

The short answer is she's the fem version of Ghost, minus the muscles and repressed gayness (wheeze, no really, I made Raven using Ghost as a blueprint and then slowly expanded her story from there, lazy character making so to speak) but that may offend a portion of people so *cough*

Where do I even begin? xD

Raven's life has been hard since the very start, so she has a different level of mental toughness so ingrained that she often pushes herself past the point of exhaustion, has faced anything and everything from psychological pain to near-death experiences (multiple times). This makes her fiercely independent and rely solely on herself most of the time, viewing dependency on others as a weakness. So she doesn't like getting approached, and would likely ignore anyone who tries doing so.

Despite so, if you earned her loyalty, she will commit and submit to you wholeheartedly. While her past has taught her that loyalty can be a weapon used against you, she still chose to willing go to great lengths protecting the people she thinks are worth protecting for. So, let's just say she has some possessive tendencies. This trait however, is dangerous as well because that made her value her life a lot lesser, her own life is a pawn on the chess piece, a weapon that should be sacrificed for the greater good. It takes a lot of patiences and love on John's side to resolve a big part of that. (Raven goddammit it you are important just as much as Price and everyone else is, doesn't matter if you are useful or not because simply existing, is enough!!)

Ambiguous moral complex, I think that's the word, instead of operating in the black or white, she operates in the shades of gray. She's disciplined and highly analytical, ruthless and heartless when she does, so she can be coldly logical (stole this description from Jack). She has no qualms about deception, manipulation and dishonesty if it meant achieving her goal. This sort of...behaviour of her would make her unpredictable at times, and creates a tension between her and other operators, because can you trust a woman who wouldn't hesitate when necessary?

She has a cynicism perspective in live, which often isolates her from those around her, I could go on and on about this but she views empathy with suspicion, questioning the motives of kindness, which is why she's more reserved and distant to others, detached even. She copes by compartmentalization, which is basically isolating thoughts and feelings separately, think of Raven putting anger, sadness, happiness in different boxes, it's some form of dissociation to avoid feelings because they get in the way of life. So sometimes she doesn't react emotionally towards situation, which makes her seem like a monster. (at some level, she is one)

But despite her being a hardass, she does have a softer side that's hidden. Buried, deep-seated empathy of hers is quiet, almost reluctant, they appear when she least expected, and thus she has a hard time to express her feelings directly. Actions speaks louder than words, afterall. She's the type that shows her appreciation rather than speaking them.

This also, kind of make her awkward in some ways, especially when she's flustered. She wouldn't how to respond to heartfelt compliments or simple act of kindness.

Oh you bought her tea? She'll stare at you for an uncomfortable amount of time before she drinks it and tell you to get the same one next time.

You dust off her uniform? again, stares at you before she awkwardly pat your shoulder with a nod.

In short, she's quiet and reserved, emotionally guarded and cynical. But beneath that hard exterior she's a loyal person who cares more than she likes to admit.

[katyspersonal]

Sort of continuation of a previous post about SOTE stuff from today gnghvb

1) I really liked it when I've spotted an owl with horns in Abyssal Forest :^)

Horned animals in Shadows Realm drop the horns explaining how here Crucible is stronger and that's why some animals here grow horns even if that doesn't fit their species!

2) Like I said, I asked @jarognieva 's help to defeat Midra and then accidentally defeated him myself while she just needed like 3 minutes to help me 🤡 So instead, I asked her help to defeat that awful Knight in the purple flowers place that from my knowledge was keeping me from finally meeting Trina! But she kept being summoned by random people (🤡🤡🤡) so I FINALLY helped to solve the problem by recommending a set shared password for summons XD Thank you @fantomette22 for this idea, it is always helpful

3) Jara also shared with me that this knight was weak to Holy! I still needed a rebirth after having to change my built for Midra earlier, so I decided to make it Faith instead of Intelligence! I swear every other DLC boss has me figure out how to cleverly change my character.

So I forgot to screenshot our epic encounter (🤡🤡🤡) gghyhgj And we went straight to get our asses kicked XD She also gave me useful advice on eating turtle necks for stamina (that I legit always forget to do) and to alter my Cracked Tear mix! It helped! Then she asked to not attack until she joins (that was with a delay due to arena specifics)... and that ALSO helped! Then she reminded me to use anti-frost items. And she was RIGHT about Holy damage hitting like a tank!

4) It was really hard though, and I was about to give up and drop it again but she told me to shut up and that we got it gfhghhh Bit by bit, our attemps got better, but eventually...

YEEEEES THE BITCH DIED!! It was basically the very last moment too!!!!! I was out of EVERYTHING AAAAA

5) Honestly though, as much as I dread this boss and never want to fight him again, these items are cool:

6) Basically every single advice Jara gives is super useful, girl never underestimate yourself gfhtfhg And separate thanks for encouraging me to not give up xD

7) Like I said, Midra exhausted the culmination for today so I decided to not go meet Trina yet and instead pick remaining items I missed today! I went back to Darklight Catacombs first! Hey remember how I was surprised that it didn't have a Knight of Death, after all? Well,

It actually DID! There is a nook where you can loot the full set from a corpse!! It is on the second "floor" of this place! Remember that odd ladder you saw and strangely a rooftop down in the pit? That area has a tiny crack in the perils on the side where you go to activate the light! Here is ( x ) just the video how to get this set!

So basically, they are like this because they refused to turn on Godwyn just because he died a little and had a bit of rebranding from Electric Knights to Death Knights 😔 Really bittersweet

8) And the next item I've missed was this torch!

They are ACTUALLY committing to making a torch for every type of fire here! I bet there will be one for Messmer's fire too!

This torch became accessible after the lever to move the bookshelf was pulled, as now you can jump ON that bookshelf and access the platform above!

9) It is also actually picked from a distinct corpse of Nanaya herself!!

Someone also placed a note RIGHT on her, so I had to go offline just to take the screenshots 🙄 She has black hair, and suuuuch detailed clothes..

10) Remember the note revealing that Aging Untoucheable CAN, in fact, be touched? It is all to get this item:

And that was a ROYAL PAIN to get

Okay so like... Basically I am SO bad at Soulsborne games that the journalist who couldn't complete the Cuphead tutorial would probably laugh at me -_- That includes the fact that until this day, I honestly had NO idea how TO parry in Elden Ring! This whole time I assumed that parrying just meant attacking right after blocking! After about five minutes of back and forth screaming at @val-of-the-north over how nothing seemed to work we deduced that the shield itself needed to have 'Parry' as it's skill!

So I've learned about a gameplay mechanic crucial for close combat 2 years later after the game got released (🤡), but that wasn't all. It was very, very, VERY hard to catch the window to deflect that enemy's attack! In like 20 attempts only one was successful, but the critical hit that followed didn't KILL it! I complained to VA about it... and learned that I could actually have attacked it for a few more seconds after critical hit! So........ like other 30 attempts followed (🤡)

I basically had to muscle-memorize every single step and move, but I did it as you can see!! No reason in particular, just completionism, but I actually start to love how this DLC makes me overcome my natural weaknesses as a player! It is designed to not let anyone win with the level alone x)

11) Directly you say? :p

How many things that plague the Lands Between originally come from here? Formless Mother, those red Kindred of Rot I've seen earlier probably hint that God of Rot comes from here, now this?

____________

Okay I think the next time I'll go meet Trina and explore other paths which Shadow Keep leads to! At least half of the locations is done by now *cries knowing all my friends already beat or almost-beat the whole DLC days ago*

[pumpkinnning]

Your tags on that Charles and Ferrari post ring so true!!!

(I'm assuming this is the same anon 😅)

yes exactly ! The way people have been talking about Charles re:Ferrari lately has felt kind of very one note and low key a bit disrespectful ngl like he's too stupid to quit something that's hurting him but like you said, it's not like he has any better options at the moment. He would maybe have a better car at RBR or Merc but he would clearly be on "enemy" territory and I think people underestimate how much fitting in a team impacts performance. (And it's not like those teams have an actual opening rn)

And yeah like @mountinez pointed out very accurately, it's his choice, he's a grown man and he knows his options far better than any of us do.

And putting the idea of an individual win so far above a win with the team he loves is very idk...focus on the toxic macho individualistic superman aspect of sports (It's the part of DTS i find honestly really annoying i think they should pay more attention to the team work and the mechanics and all the others who make this possible instead of staging all those fake little cockfights but anyway) it's like all those pundits saying Charles should Take Charge more like a Real Man and invent his own strategies and everything else instead of you know trusting the people whose job it is and actually have the data like bitch please !!!!

Like in the end I'm a Charles fan before anything else so if he leaves Ferrari I will think it's badass and healthy and if he stays I will praise his loyalty and commitment 😂😂 but whatever he does there will be a chance for it to fail and it will be easy to talk shit about what he should have done in hindsight but the truth is we don't know shit about what is really happening behind the scenes and a big part of it is down to luck and timing

And when it comes to rpf and writing fictional narratives inspired by all this - yes of course the pain and addiction of devotion to sth that doesn't love you back and the martyr/saint imagery it's all very compelling

Lmfao anyway yes i am in the Thinking about Themes part of writing fic rn but yeah !!! I find this whole thing incredibly compelling and if/when Charles wins the WDC with Ferrari I will cry like a little baby for 3 days at least

but there is also a lot more there !!!

what about the power fantasy of loving sth so hard you change its very nature ? What if patient love and commitment gets rewarded for once ? (What does it mean if we write it as always destined for failure?)

What about saying no this imperfect thing i am fighting for is mine actually i am taking ownership and I am not going to cede ground to people playing selfish little games with it or leave it to crumble and succumb to its worst impulses ?

Most of all, what about the journey mattering more than the end and the people you chose to do this with mattering more than the victory and honoring your dreams and passion mattering more than beating the statistics ?

If we are going to write stuff inspired by real people we should at least try to honor a bit of the complexity of real life and give space to complex ambivalent feelings

[giggly-squiggily]

Blue Lock Dancing Headcanons

Hi hello I drank coffee and got into a dance off with my dog (I lost) so here are some Dancy pants headcanons for our boys! (Unfortunately I didn't include Yudai in this one- I don't know him very well, sorry!)

Isagi: Mr. Clappy hands! Isagi has zero sense of rhythm and is fully aware of it, but he's having the best time so it all kinda works out. Tries to sing along but doesn't know any of the words so he just kinda mumbles along until he gets to a part he knows.

Bachira: A literal snake, his moves are so fluid it's like he's made of water. The one to run up to random people- familiar or not- and dance with them. Claims the monster is the one who taught him how to move like that.

Kunigami: Somebody come get your grandpa. Has the potential to dance fairly well but underestimates himself severely. Lots of shimmies and feet shuffles, nodding along with the music and does the occasional fist bump. Will loosen up some the longer he's out dancing.

Chigiri: Simple but pretty with it! He's shy- it takes him a moment to warm up to dancing, but when he does he has a great time. Kinda scared to re-injure his knee so he never goes all out, but he has the ability to dance fairly well. Kinda vibes with it.

More under the cut~

Gurimu- The stomper to Isagi's clapping. An absolute mess on the dance floor, he and Isagi make quite the sight. Like his friend, Gurimu's having the time of his life, even if he looks like a drunk tap dancer. Unlike Isagi, he knows all the words to the songs playing- he just can't sing.

Gagamaru- Too much ass. He's not even trying to be sexy, he's just doing whatever everyone else around him is doing. He looks like a dog trying to rub it's butt against something to scratch an itch. Put on Southern All Stars however and he's in his feelings, singing along and rocking to the music while leaning onto whomever's closest.

Kuon- Not enough ass. Frankly, not enough anything. He's so stiff it's like Iida from MHA only even more so. Kinda looks like someone wiggling a cardboard cutout. Warms up in time so he does loosen up some. Would be great at concerts though- the kind where everyone just kinda jumps around is more his vibe.

Raichi- A catastrophe; he looks like Rocky shadowboxing combined with a two year old having a tantrum. Thinks he's absolutely killing it but is way, way too aggressive. Has gotten kicked out at dance parties because people thought he was trying to fight them.

Naruhaya- The most fun dancer! Dance parties were his way to distract his siblings when the times got tough, so he's got quite a few moves under his belt. Ranges from Fortnite dancing to swinging his dance partners arms around with him. Never fails to make the people around him laugh.

Lemon- Surprisingly a phenomenal dancer! He's like Bachira- smooth like butter in his moves. Believes like his handwriting, his dancing reflects his soul, so he worked on it for years. Kinda embarrassed by it so he's not the first one to dance, but enjoys himself for the most part!

Barou- Stiff- he doesn't know how to cut loose and relax. Has a set number of moves he follows when dancing- if even one gets thrown off he'll quit. If he can loosen up even a little bit, he'd be a rather decent dancer.

Nagi: Would be a good dancer if he put more effort into it. He's always playing on his phone on the dance floor- just kinda bops to the beat halfheartedly. If he does commit, he's a bit awkward at first but warms up eventually. Knows a surprisingly large amount of dances- including Irish step.

Reo: Will only dance if Nagi's dancing with him. He spends most of the time trying to get the other moving with him. If Nagi's dancing with someone else he'll either pout the whole time or dance extra hard to make Nagi jealous. Also knows a wide variety of dance moves.

Aryu- Makes every move a glamorous one. Think Metatton from Undertale- every move is absolutely extra, hair tosses and poses are very common. He's living his inner diva and makes it everyone's business.

Tokimitsu- Constantly cycles between having fun and panicking for having too much fun and going back to having fun. Tries to take up as little space as possible when dancing, worrying he'd accidentally bump into everyone around him.

Rin- Excellent dancer but hates dancing. It takes a lot of convincing to actually get him on the floor, and even more to make him stay. Kinda stays by himself for the most part, nodding along with whatever's playing. Might dance with Isagi if asked- even if he's trying not to laugh the entire time at the smaller boy's dance moves.

Thanks for reading!

[linagram]

[𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚒𝚖𝚒'𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚕 𝟸 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚐𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗]

the first t2 interrogation is here! hopefully, it will help you understand their murders and backstories and what kind of people akio and aimi are better because.. this interrogation reveals a lot :)

as always, a reminder that you can send questions for interrogations and some of these questions were also sent by some of you, so thank you so much!

Q.001. What can you tell us about your parents?

Akio: They're very caring and patient with me. They deserve only the best for everything they have done for me.

Aimi: They're very nice, I love them a lot! They can be just a little bit.. What's the right word.. Basically, sometimes it felt like they didn't care about my feelings that much. But it was most likely just them being unintentionally insensitive.. I think.

Q.002. Did you hate your victim?

Akio: How many times I have to repeat it for you? I hated him. I hated him so much.

Aimi: Are we talking about the person that was killed only by me without any help? If so.. I think I started to hate him only a moment before I had murdered him. Saying that I hate him feels so weird, but I think it's time for me to finally be honest with myself.

Q.003. What is your biggest fear?

Akio: Not being good enough.

Aimi: Being left all alone.

Q.004. Would you commit the same crime again?

Akio: .. I don't know.

Aimi: I just couldn't let that person live. So yes, I think I'd still kill him even if I wasn't bullied.

Q.005. Tell us about your accomplice.

Akio: He was weird. But surprisingly charismatic. I think I got to know his true self only when I saw his reaction to seeing Chise's corpse.

Aimi: He was very kind and very caring, I loved spending time with him, he always tried to make every single day of my life as fun as possible! He was.. very overprotective though. That freak wouldn't let me live a normal life.

Q.006. Have you ever had a significant other?

Akio: Fine, if I say yes, will you finally leave me alone?

Aimi: Nope! I was always more interested in making friends, but I'd love to go on a date with someone.

Q.007. Is there anyone you hold in high esteem?

Akio: .. It used to be myself.

Aimi: I don't think so? Ah, I respect Akio-kun a lot, does that count?

Q.008. When do you wake up/go to bed?

Akio: Before Milgram, I woke up at 7 am and went to sleep at 1 or 2 am because of how much schoolwork I had. Now I can't fall asleep at all, so all of that doesn't matter anymore.

Aimi: I try to wake up as early as I can now, so that I can take care of Akio-kun. He barely gets any sleep now.. You will forgive him, right? And I usually go to bed at 10 or 11 pm.

Q.009. How do you feel about your classmates?

Akio: They were always anxious and stressed and under a lot of pressure because we all went to an elite school, so almost all my classmates were obsessed with their grades and being the best students in class. Arata and Chise were the only exceptions and maybe that's why my relationship with them was different from what I had with others.

Aimi: .. When I remember everything they said about me, I start feeling not so good, haha..

Q.010. What kind of person would you want your best friend to be?

Akio: Someone who can make me feel like a god even when I'm not doing well.

Aimi: Someone who never makes fun of me and never tries to take advantage of my weakness.

Q.011. Any complaints about being imprisoned?

Akio: .. Are you kidding me?

Aimi: I think you should do something about Maruyama-san. I don't feel safe with someone like her around.

Q.012. What do you hate the most?

Akio: Being underestimated.

Aimi: People who don't appreciate my kindness. I'm trying so hard to help you, so why do you keep pushing me away?

Q.013. Do you miss your family?

Akio: .. Yes.

Aimi: To be honest, I miss my dogs more, haha.. That's a bad thing to say, right? Like, I told you that I love all of them the last time we did this.

Q.014. What do you want from the guards?

Akio: Don't take Aimi away from me.

Aimi: Please take care of Akio-kun.

Q.015. How did you feel after you have committed your crime?

Akio: I ran away. I couldn't look my accomplice in the eyes after we were done.

Aimi: I felt like I've finally become free, even though I had to pay a high price for my freedom.

[nice-and-accurate-ramblings]

⚠️WARNING: Good Omens Season 2 Episode 5 Spoilers below the cut!

Don’t click on the read more if you don’t want spoilers!!

Lmao Shax is NOT getting a legion of hell

“I have a permit” “this just says ‘I can do what I want’” kinda energy

“Can I watch?” Crowley is sooo along for the shenanigans

HE GAVE AWAY A BOOK

TWICE?!?!?!

AZIRAPHALE. WHAT.

Okay no but this circles around to that lovely headcanon that he doesn’t actually mind selling or giving away books as long as it’s to the right people

NOT THE FRENCH AGAIN. AZIRAPHALE PLEASE. SHE IS SO DONE WITH YOU

At least his French is better now

CROWLEY IS SO DONE LMAOOO

Shax scary o_o

“You’ve been together long? You and your partner?”

“IT CERTAINLY LOOKS LIKE THAT FROM HERE”

“HES NOT MY BIT ON THE SIDE, FAR TOO PURE OF HEART TO BE ANYONE’S BIT ON THE SIDE, HE’S JUST AN ANGEL… I know”

MR GAIMAN I AM IN YOUR WALLS FOR THAT ONE

Oh he looks DEEP in thought

Shax is going to commit murders. And then take the stairs

WELL THAT WAS A LOT TO PROCESS BEFORE THE THEME SONG EVEN HIT

Theory while the theme song plays: is it a play by Gabriel and Beelzebub to restart Armageddon? Gabs goes missing, everyone is watching the situation, hell sends an army to attack an archangel, war ensues??

“Smited? Smote?” “Smitten” yeah someone here is smitten alright 👀 two someones actually

*leaves* *grabs the bottle of wine on the way out*

Ohhh Nina honey please please please leave her. This is some Grade A Toxic Shit

I want to give Nina a huggg

CROWLEY. STOP. TALKING. YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO SPILL THAT SECRET. THAT IS A VERY IMPORTANT SECRET.

Crowley holy shit

Gabriel holy shit

“My head isn’t built for that” kind of like how Job’s wasn’t built for that? Is he human now????

IN A MATCHBOX?!?!

HE TOOK IT OUT FIRST AND PUT IT IN. THE BOX HE BROUGHT HERE.

If it happens again it’ll seem like an institutional problem? GABRIEL WHAT. THE FUCK.

“Do you want a hot chocolate” 🥺🥺🥺

Oh my god the angels know absolutely nothing about humans

MURIEL!!!!

Uriel and Michael have a wonderful silver and gold vibe happening here

Crowley shut the fuck up you are nice

WAIT AND SEE

I HAVE WAITED. LET ME SEE. L E T M E S E E.

OH THAT’S MRS. SANDWICH

oh Aziraphale you are either so oblivious or so incredibly ace or both

Aziraphale really said WE ARE HOSTING A BALL

Ohhh Nina I am giving you the biggest hug. You’re better off, queen 🥺

“For once in your life, trust somebody” “You’re weird!!” Correct response. He is weird. But yeah listen to him.

JIM WHAT ARE YOU WEARING

AZIRAPHALE THIS IS INSANE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

“YOU YOUNG PEOPLE” SHSHDJFJFKG

Oh no Maggie you need to run. Like. Now.

Thank you Crowley 😭

Okay Aziraphale this is uh. Weird. This is getting creepy fast.

Is she… you know… a seamstress 👀

I now understand why choreography was needed for this episode

Aziraphale’s face when watching them dance,, it’s the toesy-woesies face,,,

Gabriel is being flirted with en masse and is entirely oblivious

PERHAPS YOU COULD TELL ME WHILE WE DANCE

I-

I AM

HAJSKDKDKDKFNGKKSKFJGKHLLDKF

Shax I swear if you interrupt this I will find a way to reach through the screen and strangle you myself

“I know I’m hard work” “I’m not afraid of hard work” Maggie and Nina have my whole entire heart agghhh

THEY ARE DANCINGGGGGG

Aziraphale you are really not underestimating how much trouble you’re actually in

Oh fuck oh shit oh no

“You came to me. I said I would protect you. And I will.” Someone explain why I am about to cry.

THE COAT, GABRIEL WHAT

oh no the two tiny half miracles were too effective

T-O-S-T-E. TOAST.

CROWLEY GOING LAWYER MODE AHSHDJDJF

Oh my god he made it up I love him. I love him so much this is 🤌🤌🤌

Oh hi Mr. Brown you’re about to get murdered.

HM. YEAH HE UH. HE DID GET MURDERED.

“Have you got your hand in” “oh I’ve got more than that” “I bet you do”

CROWLEY YOU ARE IN FACT A GOOD LAD. LISTEN TO MRS. SANDWICH

I-

“Make your own plans” “Oh I am! But rescuing me makes him so happy!” I AM GOING INSANE. I HAVE NO WORDS. I JUST. GIVE ME A FUCKING MINUTE.

oh hi Muriel!

“Good job! You arrested me!” “You’re arresting me, why would I be trying to trick you?” If this upsets Muriel I am legally obligated to throw hands

WHAT IS HAPPENING

On to episode 6, I am slowly losing my mind 😀👍

[nekupen]

Nekupen #05: Half-Life (+ Gearbox campaigns)

Half-Life is the premier first person video game from company Valve Corporation. The game came about when Valve looked at the majority of fpses out at the time and thought "God DAMN this shit is boring". And it's hard to blame them as even with the occasional Build Engine game a lot of the FPS games consisted of running around in a maze lookin' for keycards and shooting bad guys. The narratives were also frequently not really explored upon and were only given minor attention within the game most of the time. Valve decided "Fuck that" and made a fps game that has a simple but interesting story and combat that actually requires thinking and strategizing. Also, janky 3D models. But it was cool at the time! The 3D stuff there was even more impressive than what was in Quake. No more funny lookin', non-interpolated animations! Valve would excrete this game on November 19th, 1998, which probably made some people lose NNN early because they blew their load at how fucking cool the game was.

In Half-Life you play as 27 year old theoretical physicist and NERD Gordon Freeman who works at the Black Mesa Research Facility where everyone is twice his age and the only women that exist are a recording and a hologram. Mr. Freeman's late for an important test so he suits up and blows up a microwave casserole and heads to the test chamber. The test fucks up and now the facility is overrun with aliens and malfunctioning equipment. And also OSHA-violating architecture but that was there before shit hit the fan. You gotta trek through the ruined facility armed with a crowbar and a handgun.

Then you find out about the military! Cool, they're coming to rescue everybody! Psyche, they're killing anything that moves. Luckily, their brains are about as small as their bullets, but you shouldn't underestimate them as they're a bit more complex than your average FPS enemy. If you're taking cover they'll throw a grenade and they know a thing or two about squad tactics and flanking.

Luckily Gordon is proficient with guns and the only non-suspicious thing you could derive from that is that if you learn how to use a handgun and an automatic weapon, you know how to use everything. Both the Black Mesa facility and U.S. military have a unhealthy habit of leaving dangerous weapons around instead of hiding them in secure boxes on high shelves. Funny thing about the weapons in this game, a good majority of them have alternate functions when you right click. Good example is the shotgun, with the left click being a single barrel shot and the right click being a double barrel shot, combining the coolest types of weapon in FPS games into one. 

Each weapon is good at a specific role but at least have some mild overlap. The Python Revolver and Crossbow  are powerful precision weapons, the shotgun is a powerful weapon up close….the Python revolver and Crossbow can also be used in close quarters and arguably can do what the shotgun can do but better. You have grenades you can cook and throw but they have shit physics so honestly, if its viable just use the SMG grenades unless you super value them, which you should because you can grenade jump and I’m getting ahead of myself-

(A showcase of the SMG.)

You have a crowbar that’s good for breaking the copious amount of crates left in the facility. Break literally any crate you’ll see as more often than not there’s goodies in them, like ammo or health and HEV batteries, which are basically like armor.

 You even get ahold of a alien weapon and I just have to say, I admire the invading aliens for their commitment to using a absolute dogshit weapon

Oh yeah, speaking of the aliens again, the invading aliens starts sending in their own troops as well and they and the military engage in war. You get treated to a lot of scripted events of them battling. Kill ‘em both, you don’t get one’s favor killing the other like its Shadow the Hedgehog. You launch a rocket, take some portals, go to the alien’s home, Xen, suffer through shitty level design, kill a space fetus, and set off an event that leads to even worse events. Oh yeah, and you get snagged by some stupid suit person that keeps you in a train.

So that’s Half-Life, it has some low points but its a fun romp all around. Fun enough for official expansions to come out and they’re made by dogsh I mean Gearbox Software. They made three expansions, one being exclusive to the console port for PS2 that they also worked on. The first expansion to hit the market is Opposing Force.

You play as one of the members of the U.S. Military that came to the facility in the base game. It’s actually specified here that this branch of the military is the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit, HECU for short. You’re Corporal Adrian Shepherd and you gotta get out. This expansion adds new weapons and enemies and hot take incoming: This game needs to take a shower. I sincerely feel like a majority of the new stuff feels under baked and it just leads to a sloppier feeling experience quality wise.

Also, a majority of the guards you’ll encounter are no longer of the Barney variety but rather; They’re Otises. They’re fat and stupid and I don’t like them :(. Also, G-man snags the protagonist again.

Next up on the expansion list is Blue Shift. It’s way shorter than Opposing Force and less impressive as well, no new enemies or weapons here. You play as Barney Calhoun, a Black Mesa security guard; and once again: you gotta leave. This time though you actually succeed in ditching and even manage to depart with some surviving scientists. I’ve beaten this expansion more than i have the base game or Opposing Force which probably has me put on a list. Also with this expansion came the HD Models pack and hot take #2 incoming: i like these :) Vote for the punishment I deserve for such a sin here: https://take.quiz-maker.com/poll4660882x69c54De6-146

Finally, there’s Decay. It’s exclusive to the PS2 version so I never played it but the gist of it is that its a mission-based co op mode where you have to solve puzzles with your plus one. The protagonists are Gina Cross and Colette Green - holy shit so they DO have women at the facility!

Speaking of multiplayer: Deathmatch! Yeah I neglected to mention it but I already kind of talked about it when talking about Half-Life: Deathmatch: Source. My thoughts there still apply, I personally am not a big fan of Half-Life’s deathmatch as I don’t think the combat and style of the game goes with the mode. But that’s just me.

Oh yeah also Half-Life: Source is a thing but I’m not talking about it anyway go play half-life please

[hersterical]

I’ve been seeing a lot of people talk about how the characters could have avoided their fates if they had just done something different (usually gay sex) but that defeats the whole purpose of the inevitability of it all. I’m not being clear, let me try again.

The decisions each character makes are theoretically easily avoidable, except that these choices that doom them are the same choices that are inherently tied to who they are and if they did not make those decisions then they would no longer be the same characters on a fundamental level. Take Goncharov himself as an example.

The decisions that sealed his fate can basically be summed up as his desire to create a legacy that transcends time and will essentially immortalize him. (Don’t tell me you didn’t notice the weird amount of portraits and statues he had of himself, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg) It’s this drive that leads to him never truly opening up to Andrey, allowing his relationship with Katya to deteriorate, send Ice Pick Joe to kill and kill over and over again until Joe loses every trace of his humanity, and underestimate Mario. Any one of these decisions seem stupid and avoidable, except that would mean betraying his desire to transcend time and break the clocks. That would then mean that Goncharov would lose the thing that would have made him Goncharov. He never would’ve taken over Naples, never would’ve been the man to gain such loyalty from the rest of the characters, and probably never would’ve even have made it out of Russia. Would his story have been less tragic? Yes. Would that have been enough? Not for Goncharov

I feel like I’ve made my point, but I’ll do this for a few more characters just for fun

Ice Pick Joe was SO CLOSE to breaking the cycle of violence! I was screaming at the screen. It would have been as easy as stepping on that train and never looking back. But he didn’t do that. Why? Because of his commitment. He’s started something and he was going to see it through to the end even if it killed him. If it weren’t for that commitment he wouldn’t be Ice Pick Joe. He wouldn’t have worked so hard and crossed all the lines that he did in order to send money to his family. He would’ve given up all those many years ago when he found himself in a hopeless situation without a weapon, but it was that very commitment that lead him to picking up an ice pick of all things, cross lines that no one else was willing to cross, and get the job done. It may have killed him in the end, but he only got to be where he was because of who he was and what made him Ice Pick Joe was his commitment.

Katya’s problems all would’ve been solved if she had just ran off with Sofia and never looked back. It’s a little bit more difficult to put her fatal flaw into words, but it’s very similar to Joe’s. Whereas Joe’s flaw was commitment, I’d say Katya’s is loyalty. It seems like the same thing but while Joe is motivated by duty and responsibility, Katya is more motivated by genuine passion and belief. She wants everyone to believe she is the ice queen, and she does usually make her decisions based off of sound logic, but what gives her the motivation to do so are her strong emotions. She truly believes that Goncharov is capable of achieving what he sets out to do and after so many years by his side she will see him accomplish that lasting legacy even if she finds the idea to be self-aggrandizing. She also put in so much work herself into building up the crime family in Naples. She sacrificed her home in her beloved Russia in order to make a home here and she is not going to throw it out the window. She also believes that Sofia could never truly be happy away from her home town, so her loyalty to Sofia means that Katya would never make the selfish decision to take her away from Naples even without Goncharov. Katya ran away from home to marry Goncharov, she ran away from Russia to Naples, she’s (figuratively) running away from her marriage through her relationship with Sofia, she is not going to be running away from her new home. She’s lost so much of herself over the years, staying loyal to the things that she can is the only way she can regain her identity, not realizing until it’s too late that the most important person for her to be loyal to is herself.

Sofia’s fatal flaw is her honesty. She gets what she wants because she is unapologetically honest about what it is she truly wants and goes after it with determination and drive. Everyone who knows her knows that they can trust her to never lie to them. It baffles dishonest people who she’d rather avoid if she could, and attracts fellow honest people that she knows she can rely on. Just because she’s honest doesn’t mean that she isn’t able to notice when other people aren’t so it’s a pretty good system. It doesn’t cause her any real trouble until Katya is both entranced and overwhelmed by Sofia’s sincerity and depth of feeling for her. Sofia’s usually pretty good at knowing just how honest she needs to be, but not with Katya. Sofia has a want, expresses the want, and will honestly pursue that want for as long as there’s a glimmer of hope for her to achieve it. This openness and ability to acknowledge uncomfortable truths is what makes the rejection and betrayal shatter her so completely. Sofia’s honesty is what makes her Sofia and her honesty is what destroys her

Andrey’s fatal flaw is his greed. Not just his greed for money, but his greed for power, status, recognition, and (Goncharov’s) attention. Unlike Goncharov, Andrey doesn’t care about how he’s remembered so long as he gets the life that he wants now. Goncharov tries to defy time by trying to become immortal (as if he wasn’t gay enough already, I’m only now seeing all of the Dorian Gray parallels), Andrey tries to defy time by fully embracing the present. While this greed has served him well for most of his life and has gotten him so close to where he wants, it can’t quite get him all the way there with Goncharov. So his greed leads him to other places. This leads him to make decisions that are good for him in the short term, are what ultimately lead to his death. Greed made Andrey who he was, but also made all of the betrayal and pain in his path inevitable. There was no way for Andrey to avoid his fate because his greed made his death necessary and without his greed Andrey would not be Andrey

Long story short, Goncharov is a modern Greek tragedy

[masterkirby]

My insulin pump woke me up. It hasn't in a while but I forgot to change the battery before going to sleep when it was already in the red.

///

escapism perfected

here's a rare moment with my thoughts

5 am and no TV series, video essays,

laundry to do or games to play

so what is it sitting deepest

the belief is that something must be

sitting there

people are not born sad

I've heard

but I remember darkness in my earliest memories

nightmares, beasts and bad people out to get me

where I come from a fairly warm home

deeply caring but unable to convey feelings

and also deeply committed to their own pursuits

the academic father and religious devotee mother

when did the sadness set in? And anger

I'd take my anger out on my Kelly dolls

drown them in the bath, burn them in a lamp,

bite their annoying faces, hands, toes

I'd squish their heads with the lid

of the wooden chest we had in the yellow room

when did I move to the yellow room and why?

I'd lie to people to seem cooler from too early on

to care, though maybe that's underestimating

a child's mind and needs

I would be shy and hid behind my mother's skirts

she wore only skirts, long skirts, but on photos

she would wear trousers

how must she have felt in a foreign country

always the heavy accent and grammatical errors

with a guy she must've barely known

did she know beforehand that he had meltdowns

(we know what to call them only since recently)

and would howl when something didn't work out

walk furiously back and forth, hands wringing,

face contorted, self loathing, swearing

and even without that

often hidden deep inside

his thoughts

I've inherited those parts of him, by the way

maybe I also inherited (from whom?)

early feelings of inadequacy and being weird

I remember feeling so weird and awkward

jealous of the natural charm of some

but I did have friends, sleepovers, birthday parties

my token problematic friend from a hard family

by token I mean that she has been in my life

under at least three different people

always blond, small, aggressive under her

Insecurities

if there's a type for love interests

why not for close friends? best friends, at times

Now I have my soulmate, my sunflower

blond but taller than me, strong, naturally

loving and understanding of the world

she'd often brought me out of misplaced beliefs

brought me out of my head

I love her so much my heart aches

and I'm so scared that she'll leave early

like mother did

There was a best friend, soulmate back before

we moved

blond, tanned, lean, a bit taller than me,

I loved her a lot as well

for how impressive she was

tomboyish but girly

and so much fun to be around

we'd spend so much time playing pretend

running around the outdoors

going on adventures

or talking about why Mary is/n't a saint

in her room with a pink canopy over her bed

looking at her or the lava lamp

I'd tell her about my latest exploits in RuneScape

and I probably won't remember what else

once, she got mad at me for swearing

and soon my parents got a call from hers

that if I keep this up, they won't let us meet

Now she's still in her belief (I really don't know

Dad will probably remember, once

he had B's father over for dinner

and his friend from academia, a physics professor

and the two had a heated argument

over the beginning of the world)

in the army (air force

all three of them, her brothers and she)

and married with an army man

I know this from Facebook, we haven't talked

and I haven't checked in a while, probably

kids by now

while I still swear quite a bit, atheist and largely

unemployed, living from part-time jobs

and my father's financial support

Even as a kid I was unhappy with the way I am

it's hard for me to fathom that now

how could it have started? Was it the shyness?

I talked to B from the neighbourhood kids

a bit with her younger brother

but really nobody else

There were also O and V from ballet

C the daughter of our Polish dentist

(that sounds like Polish cleaning lady but it's just

that we're Polish)

L from school possibly but maybe only

the garden of kids

Was V from school as well?

She had an American Girl doll in likeness

we watched E.T. and I couldn't fall asleep

gaining some understanding of L

who would call for her mom when sleeping over

and there was M who seemed so cold but cool

so I never managed to befriend her

Basically, if I vibed or was introduced to sb

an opening into the friendship afforded

a friendship could be established

more or less superficial

more or less awkward

I think only with B and a bit with L (like with

N and now J)

it wasn't awkward

I spent my first night in a tent by the lake

with L

caterpillars raining down throughout the night

I lost my glasses on my nose then

up by Black Moshanoon Lake

We'd go there fairly recently for family trips

and it'd feel like such a long drive

where I recently checked that it couldn't have

been more than half an hour

It was a bit further to Horseshoe Curve

but we'd stay there for the whole day

watching and listening to freight trains

struggle on by

we'd get Thomas the Tank Engine trains

for Christmases and birthdays

and absolutely loved the show

but we'd also watch cabin rides, a bit later on

though

One of my favourite childhood memories

was watching screensavers on my dad's

old old computer (well, it was new then)

xscreensavers

just sitting the entire evening engrossed

while dad read newspapers or talked to us

my brother and me

about who knows what

he'd traumatized me once with a story from

the news

a girl got eaten by her babysitting neighbour

a life like my own made into stew

Dad would listen to music, Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi,

throughout the evenings, in the room with books

downstairs

strolling back and forth and back and forth

for hours

deep in some mathematical problem

and I'd fall asleep in the brown reading chair,

the one you could live in, so soft and vast,

and pretend to stay asleep as he carried me

upstairs, to sleep

Mom often told me and my older brother stories

she herself seems to have made up

about our car Mazda, for example

or our hulajnogi

or she'd sing "Zapada zmrok" or "Kotki dwa"

It still hurts so much to think about her. I'd been reminiscing, flowing for the past 1,5h but now I've hit a wall. I miss her so so much, especially in my earliest memories. We drifted apart later but she's still so vibrant in my mind. I always dream of her as a living, breathing person, just right there within reach, as usual. But as I always say, I was sad even before she tragically died (a rarer form of cancer, 13 months between diagnosis and death). But the fact remains that I've never yet managed to process those events and the ongoing outcome of immense pain for me and my family.

And now it's 6:30, my K is slowly waking up for work

[melodygordon]

My 100 Day Project and 5 Tips To Do Your Own

Last week, I finished my 100 Day Project - one new digital drawing everyday for 100 days straight.

I learned a lot and wrote a bit about that here:

This post is more about how I did it and if someone else is interested, how they can do it and be successful at it.

So! My 5 best tips if you want to complete a 100 Day art challenge:

Identify Your Goals: Why do you want to draw (or paint or sketch or whatever) for 100 days? For me, I had A LOT of goals. But the main goal was to develop my style and create a large body of work I could use for marketing, my portfolio, and social media. I think having that very specific goal - and being passionate about my goal - helped tremendously.

Know Your Parameters And Stick To Them: I chose to work with a limited color palette, a very specific subject, and only a handful of design elements or "special effects" within Photoshop to make every picture. It forced me to be more creative since I had to work within these borders. Let the challenge of your 'rules' push you to think more creatively.

Find Accountability: I posted each new picture to Instagram every evening before midnight. I told my boyfriend, my parents, and my therapist. The more people know, the more they can encourage you, check in on you, and provide feedback and words of support. It felt like I really had to follow through and keep my word. Also - don't do this in complete isolation. Working in secret makes your artwork feel like a secret. Give others the chance to be proud of you.

Make The Time: In the beginning, I had no idea how much time I would need to commit to this project for it to be successful. I underestimated the amount of energy needed each day to complete a picture. I was surprised by how many hours I would spend on a piece, how difficult it was to do two pictures in one day, and how exhausted I was by the end. Whatever amount of time you think you will need, double it. Maybe even triple it if you're a procrastinator or a perfectionist, like me.

Accept Your Limitations: There were some days I simply couldn't produce the kind of art I wanted to make, no matter how hard I tried. You will have off days, sick days, and low energy days. This is essentially a three month long project. I wasn't always satisfied by what I made. Some days the picture was ugly. Some days I wanted to start over but didn't have the time. Shit happens. You don't have to love every piece. The better you are at accepting things the way they are, the more successful you'll be in the end.

In short, every picture wasn't a masterpiece. Every day wasn't perfect. But I finished it. And a week later I'm still riding the high of accomplishing such a challenging and ambitious goal for a 'new' artist.

I already have the next 2-3 projects planned out in my head. That's the best thing of all when completing a project like this: I have this abundance of energy and confidence. It's like, if I could do 100 drawings in 100 days, then why can't I do _?

This blog will be getting a facelift soon and I'm going to try to post more art quotes this month. I have the time now! Until next time.