#and i think in part? yeah she doesn't like violence she hates killing

[deathdxnces]

"I've never killed a person... just a lot of Noxians."

in-game quotes can’t be taken literally etc, but I think this one is pretty spot on in how irelia sees noxians in general. they are never people she has irreconcilable differences with; they’re not people period. it’s very different from her stance on other enemies, such as the shadow order or the navori brotherhood. 

not seeing noxians as people is a mix of rage/resent and a coping mechanism after having to fight and kill them when she was really young (and coming from a background that preached non-violence in any situation, as well). she hates them enough that seeing them as something other than people comes easy, and seeing them like that makes it easier to fight and kill without (as much) guilt. dehumanization isnt uncommon in soldiers, and it definitely plays a part on why she doesn't feel the same grief towards the noxians she killed and the ionians, even if none of them were innocents.

when it comes to the enemies she has to face in her own homeland, from her own people, the situation is very different.  stains on a name shows her facing an ionian enemy who wants to kill her, but she talks to him first, apologizes for disappointing, and only really uses her blades when it’s clear the man would die before being captured. 

and in this case, she can’t stop seeing them as people. she doesn’t hate the navori brotherhood even after they try to have her killed, regardless of their differences. which is also why killing ionians, even in self-defense, is something that weighs a lot heavier on her. they are people, and they are her people, even if they tried to take her life. she feels very guilty for killing them, even in self defense — her hands are permanently stained with their blood, and it’s something she doesn’t think there’s absolution from.

facing her people, even the more... villainous of them, is never really something she enjoys. still, looking at fighting and killing in general, i think part of why she feels so bad about it is precisely because she doesn't hate it as much as she should, when she outright enjoys ending noxians. because it's one thing to be incapable of just sitting and watching and following a non-violent philosophy while people destroy what’s important to you, and something else to actually rejoice in killing them. part of her will always feel guilty for leaving the beliefs of her family and the tradition of her people behind (and feel all the worse for the fact she doesn't hate her path as much as she thinks she should).

[obsidianstrawberrymilk]

BSD Dead Apple manga highlights!!

Kunikida is insane. "Oh yeah getting shot in the gut is no big deal dwai" and then he proceeds to run around and fight both his own Ability and Demon Snow after this. Jesus.

Kunikida's so resourceful tbh. I love watching him fight. Akutagawa's later fight with Rashoumon (where he demonstrates similar resourcefulness using the molten metal) is also cool for the same reason, because like it's one thing to be TOLD these characters are cool under pressure and smart as long as Dazai's not there to piss them off and a whole other to be shown it.

SO THIS CONFIRMS MY THEORY. I need a fight scene where Yosano detaches her limbs and uses them as weapons after she heals them omg she's so fucking badass. Side note the fact that Kenji and Yosano held up so long against their Abilities is so impressive? Like all of them are ofc but Undefeated and Thou Shalt Not Die are both like, extremely powerful. Your fighting a power that rearranged a mountain and a power that basically can't be killed. Like damn.

Lmfao Akutagawa's main priority is watching their Abilities fight each other

D A S H

I love how casually he says this lmfaoo Also LMAO AKUTAGAWA DO U HAVE SOME UNRESOLVED FEELINGS TOWARDS DAZAI OR SOMETHING?? HMM??

Confirmation Dazai fucking hates both of them. He was probably tearing his hair out internally this whole time. Literally him going "friendless behavior" at Shibusawa lmao- ALSO THE 'MEOW EXCHANGE. HE ACTUALLY MEOWED. THIS IS SO FUCKING DRY LMFAO.

Akutagawa's monologue is conveyed in a really cool way via manga adaptation... like DA has some great development for Akutagawa, Kyouka and Atsushi, but Akutagawa's in particular stands out to me because it doesn't really disprove his strength-based worldview?? He finds his own self worth through that view instead which is interesting, by overpowering his Ability instead of finding somewhere he's valued beyond it like say, Yosano.

This is also SUCH an interesting panel. "That I control Demon Snow/That I didn't want to hate her" it's like Atsushi has previously only seen Kyouka as a victim, as being controlled against her will and never wanting any of the violence she partook in when this kinda... confirms it's not all the case? DA as a whole kinda tries to break Atsushi's black and white worldview but I also think, between this and how well Akutagawa and Kyouka work together in DA, there was likely a part of Kyouka who knew she was good at killing and violence, and liked that about herself, if nothing else. The ability to not be completely helpless, even if her circumstances as a whole were not within her control.

"Are you fucking serious" he is SO DONE with Dazai's shit lmfao.

Soukoku are fucking insane. What do you MEAN you noticed Dazai's hidden message from a mention of a microscope. What do you mean you remember all your interactions with him that clearly. What do you mean-

Ohh my fucking god is that a tear in the last panel?? Oh my god did Chuuya mean he just doesn't want Dazai to stop him in Corruption. Chuuya cannot catch a fucking BREAK oh my god.

So Ango is also suicidal right?? Like sure he has a reason for saying this but also this is not a normal thing to say. He uses Chuuya's vow to kill him to try and stop Chuuya from what he sees as a suicidal mission later. Like this is not normal.

"Dazai doesn't care about the ADA!" shut the fuck up

Oh my god. This was so fucked up oh my god. Poor baby Atsushi oh my god.

The repetition of "I raised by claws" is SO chilling here omg. But I also find it so so interesting that I think Atsushi is... the only BSD character who just... wants to live. Not for other people, he definitely doesn't want to die. Like so many characters in BSD (Dazai, Yosano, Chuuya, Kunikida, Kyouka, Ango, arguably Akutagawa) are in some manner suicidal, or even the ones who aren't have reasons they life for. But Atsushi's base desire is just... he wants to live. That's where his Ability comes from. It's why he killed Shibusawa. It's so interesting.

So there are two sides to Fyodor's Ability. But he CALLS HIMSELF crime in this case?? Bc the Crime avatar is wearing what Fyodor was wearing. I've seen theories Fyodor himself is just the manifestation of his own Ability or something and tbh... that might have merit.

Tbh, I often wonder how Ango ended up working with the government. It's repeatedly mentioned how he dislikes and opposes their use of human lives as value metrics, or plans like this for the 'greater good', and yet he still does their bidding. He's still here. Even though no one listens to his oppositions. Why?

Anyway so if anyone has manga translations past Ch 13 please help I can't find any lol.

[illmetkismet]

Leon in re4r has to be the most touchy feely goober i have seen yet.

I find it so endearing when he goes to comfort Ashley and also like in general the way he was with Luis when he was dying is just 😭

I think he's just very touch starved. What do you think? :)

i got this ask in the morning and i was like, 'i gotta think about this....' and i've been thinking about it all day because..... there's so much going on with leon and touch....

both with ashley and luis he doesn't let himself touch - really touch, the way he wants, to take their hand and hold on - until the situation is desperate. luis is dying, and ashley is in so much pain she's screaming with it. look how scared leon looks:

the halfhearted pat, pat, 'ok', he does in response to her hug later, when he wakes up and sees that she's alright, is such an interesting contrast. she's fine, she's alive, and now he doesn't have an excuse anymore, you know? he's not overcome with worry or grief. he's reigned himself right back in.

even here, where ashley's panting and almost crying after they run from the ganados into the cabin:

he lets himself rest a hand on her shoulder to comfort her and check in for like a second, because she's clearly very distressed, before he turns to deal with luis.

he does allow himself casual little touches here and there, when the situation calls for it. again, it's when ashley is really upset after the mind control incident that he lets himself give her that encouraging pat on the shoulder:

or when she's unconscious and he just administered the suppressant, and he needs to reassure himself that she's going to be ok:

so yeah, he's 100% touch starved, but i don't think he realizes it. the frequency with which he does reach out in re4r, however briefly, makes me think that he was probably a lot quicker to touch, to hug, to hold on, before raccoon city (his little bright-eyed rookie face makes me think that for sure). but after? there's this sense i think he has about himself that there's something wrong with him. that he survived something horrible against all odds, and now he's in this awful line of work - all the things he sees, all the people who keep dying around him - and it feels like he's carefully trying to contain himself, to isolate, to keep others safe from... whatever it is that's wrong with him now. like maybe he thinks of himself as cursed, somehow?

there's that tidbit i remember reading in a post @highball66 made, where one of leon's hobbies is listed as watching movies alone in the dark. on the one hand, cute and cozy! but on the other hand, is the 'alone' part really by choice?

so yeah, i think his natural inclination is to be a touchy feely goober, as you say, but he's almost all but killed that instinct in himself. now it takes extraordinary circumstances for him to reach out: either a situation where he needs to offer reassurance and understands that words alone won't do, or something so terrible happens that it overwhelms him to the point where he slips and doesn't keep his genuine need to reach out in check. which is.... so sad. because the only other way we see him touch in re4r is with violence, or to menace. his fist on luis' chest, pushing him back against the wall until he winces, for example. leon's been trained to leverage his strength to do harm, and though i think he hates that, that's probably how he sees himself now - as a damaged person whose only worth is that he's good at this violent work. i think he hasn't had a hug - a real hug - in years, in large part because he won't allow himself to have it.

haha oops this turned into a leon essay again... i just can't be normal about him. can't even answer a regular little ask without monologuing about his emotional damage.... thanks for the ask and for giving me this opportunity to TEDtalk about him :)

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep7 Musings - Sam Reid’s Autumn Brown Interview (Pt2) S3 Akasha, the Drop, & Amel

Ok, returning to the whole "Blame Amel For Lestat's Abusive Behavior."

Sam referred to something VERY important that I think people overlooked in his segment on the Ep5 revisit; they heard the Akasha bit and just ran with it. But this is exactly what he said:

[SR] Loustat "had the potential to have something very beautiful, but [Lestat's] too messy and chaotic, and Louis and Lestat are also...the beauty of their violence and hatred together, their dynamic...you know.... [AB] It's the best! They have exactly what each other needs. But also everything that makes both of them the worst parts of themselves and the best parts of themselves. [SR] And I think that's kind of cool, when we revisit that scene from Episode 5 in Season 1. And you see that in the in the Trial. I think there's something really wildly beautiful, between the two of them, in that violence. Because Louis is unhinged and angry at Lestat, and I think Lestat is more obviously--he's way more powerful, and his act of violence is, you know, like unforgivable. [SR] But there's this space that private space that they have in the coffin room...how much they hate each other...that's how much Louis hates him, and that's how much Lestat is...hurt, and then turns into this violent, angry, I hate you!.... They have that much hate. They also have that much love; because they're also vampires, and so they operate on like a level of like-- [AB] Emotion that's dialed up to-- [SR] Pure chaos! They're operating on that level, and then Lestat drops him from the sky, and it is an irredeemable event in their relationship. It cannot come back from that. And it creates this kind of cascade in a set of events, that leads to Lestat being killed. And I think that's part of our adaptation. It's not necessarily the the real events Anne Rice's books, but this is what is in our adaptation. And I think it does feed into that overall sentiment that Lestat acknowledges his evil, hellish self-loathing self...that is there; and we obviously heighten things and make it bigger. [AB] In Season 1 you know that there's something else going on, on the other side of the wall; because you can hear the fight dies down. There's a break, and you think it's over, and suddenly starts back up again. And we have this moment of Lestat taking Louis into the sky. We finally get to see what that moment was. And Louis is chilling--oh my god that little laugh that he does! He's like I'm gonna cut your head off! I'm gonna feed it to the lions and I'm gonna laugh about it! I mean, do you think for Lestat in that moment...? Cuz what leads to Louis saying that is Lestat asking Are you going to leave me? Had Louis just said: Yeah! and walked out the door and left with Claudia, would that have led to the explosion? Was it the act of him leaving, or was it the words that instigated that level of vitriol? [SR] Uhhh....I don't know about that. And I don't know if it's worth speculating what would have happened if that didn't happen.

--MURF INTERJECTION-- Thank GOD Sam shut that ish down, omfg. Again: STOP tryna find ways to victim blame Louis for what went down or say he "instigated" the fight! 🤬 It doesn't frikkin MATTER what Louis said or didn't say. All that matters is what happened TO Louis, and TO Claudia, that was what got Lestat "killed."

[SR] But I think more importantly is that--and this is something that I've felt has been really important about playing Lestat from the beginning, and probably something that people find probably a little bit confronting--but for me, for Queen of the Damned to work, Lestat has to have a level of toxic male rage in him, so that when he is angry, and when he's violent, it has to be a toxic masculine rage for Akasha to follow through with the events that she does. And why she says: You are everything about masculinity that's wrong and terrible. And so that's why you're going to be my right-hand guy, and you're going to help me kill them all. And I think...I always felt like, when he does have those spurts of anger, it does have to come from a very toxic place. [SR] Where we're going, when we're looking at it, obviously there's a scene back in Season 1: he's had a drink of this, like, fountain that nobody knows he's had. Nobody knows. No one in the show. Nobody knows. The only person who knows is Lestat. And most of the people watching the show don't know this, at this point in time. [AB] There's just that one little throwaway line about Those Who Must Be Kept, and then nothing else. [SR] And originally in Season 1, when they're in the sky and they're having that moment, Lestat was originally scripted to tell Louis about The Sacred Fount! In that moment, Lestat actually tells Louis about what he has inside of him; what, who he's drunk from. I'm trying to be really vague for anyone who's watching this, and has no idea, and I'm not going to give anything away! But anyone who does know, will know. But originally it's that he's up in the sky. [SR] And I think that is the parallel line that we're drawing with. That level of rage that Lestat has. That toxic abusive rage is also coming from an extreme monstrous power, coming from this intense monster that he has, and he has no idea how to control; he's trying to repress it all the time. But he knows, if he can, if somebody just ticks him off a bit.... He's a volatile guy already, but he's got this thing in that makes him go: AAH! [AB] It's almost going back to that element of vanity that you're were talking about: being like, you would do this to ME?! You don't even KNOW what I have within me! [SR] Yeah, exactly! So that also means that we can feed that shame and shock into his monstrous self--and acknowledgement OF his monstrous self--into his progressive spiral, into where we're going. (34:10 - 40:59)

So. All of this stuff about Akasha (& Amel) needs to be recontextualized, cuz what Sam said is that "ORIGINALLY" the 1x5 script had Lestat threaten Louis with the warning: I'm trying to restrain the monstrous thing in me that makes me go AAH; you don't even KNOW what I have in me, AAH!

But guess what else happened? OBVIOUSLY, THEY TOTALLY TOSSED THAT ISH OUT OF THE SCRIPT, in S1 AND in the S2 revisit. 😂🤣 The time to have teased/suggested that there was something controlling Lestat that made him "accidentally" hurt Louis came & went in BOTH seasons, so arse-pulling Amel so late into the show after we already got Lestat's admission during the Trial looks goofy AF.

Cuz possession is a lazy abuse apologia COP OUT. Having "It was Amel's fault all along" would've directly contradicted AND undermined their whole point about PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY that they clearly wanted to get across MORE than using spirit possession as a crutch to explain/excuse Lestat's abusive behavior.

Possession would imply too many things, distracting from the overall thrust of Rolin's vision for telling a very real & very "aggressive, toxic, beautiful love story" about the ways soulmates find their way back to each other after hurting each other over & over.

Esp. since Hannah Moscovich (Ep5's writer) has already been VERY clear about her take on Lestat's capacity for "evil." She mentions his bad actions in TotBT, when Lestat was HUMAN again--he wasn't even in his own vampiric body (attached to Amel/Akasha's blood), and he was STILL doing effed up things! So his issues have nothing to do with spirit possession.

[SR] "it does feed into that overall sentiment that Lestat acknowledges his evil, hellish self-loathing self...that is there; and we obviously heighten things and make it bigger."

(Funny, when Sam something it's flowers & praise; but when Hannah says the same thing it's boos & hisses from the exact same fans, lol.)

Vampirism EXACERBATES & INTENSIFIES aspects of ALL people's character/nature that was ALREADY there; "all feels amplified." Cuz ALL vampires have Amel's spirit in them, NOT just Lestat. ALL of them are powered by his monstrous spirit, and ALL of them are capable of heinous sadistic bloodlust & inhuman acts of violence--look at Claudia's 56 Floaters & Santiago at the Chateau & Armand chasing Malik (& book!Daniel) for the lolz; and how hard Louis tries to FIGHT succumbing to those same impulses too. (Nebamun/Gregory & Teskhamen drank Akasha/Amel's blood. Marius & Pandora & Bianca drank her blood. Sweet baby Khayman drank her blood. Her son Seth drank her blood. Even Big Bad Rhoshamandes drank her blood, and as twisted as he is, even HE was like naaah this heifer's crazy, I'm outta here. Plenty of vamps drank from the Sacred Fountain, and aren't half as crazy & abusive & evil as the vampires that DIDN'T: Magnus, Santiago, Santino, Bruce/Killer, etc.) So the (weak) argument that Amel/Akasha's blood alone is what drives vamps to go totally effing ballistic on their significant others whenever they get mad is patently false, by the book AND the show's own logic.

So I'm glad they got rid of those lines, and just had Les say EXACTLY why he "fought myself a million times; fought my nature, controlled my temper!" and got mad enough to beat the breaks off Lou:

It's INSECURITY--not that Les can't control the monster in him (though ofc that's a VERY legit fear, his struggles with his temper & anger issues); it's that he can't control his family; his husband & child; and can't even "force Louis to love me;" esp. cuz despite all the Dark Gifts he has, he CAN'T read Louis' mind or manipulate his thoughts the way he could back when Lou was still human.

Cuz what Lestat DOES have from Amel/Akasha is direct access to more raw POWER & more Dark Gifts than the average vampire his age. He got her blood straight from the source, not diluted across vampiric generations. Those Gifts are why his rage so dangerous--his ability to overpower weaker vamps & fly them up in the air to drop them & set Millennial Fledglings on fire just for irritating him, etc. Esp. cuz we know "he's a volatile guy already;" he's got patented anger issues up the wazoo ("I am cursed with my father's temper; I am burdened with my Maker's temper").

ALSO, why would Amel have possessed Les to do something so counter-productive to his Chosen One's survival as almost winding up in the incinerator right next to Antoinette? By that logic, we'd have to say that Louis chokeslammed Claudia cuz HE was possessed by Amel too! That entirely strips away precisely what Sam said: how much Loustat LOVES each other drives them to unhinged levels of violence AGAINST each other, AND ultimately Claudia, as they each fear she'll take them away from each other (to Europe/the incinerator).

Hence why AMC hasn't laid ANY breadcrumbs indicating that Lestat was "possessed" by anything--just plain ole oppressive patriarchal toxic masculinity, just like I've been saying all along:

Cuz that machismo's what draws Magnus to Les in TVL & Akasha to Les in QotD; and that "vanity" is what draws Raglan James to Les in TotBT, and that sin/guilt/shame/self-loathing is what draws Memnoch to Les in MtD. In every book until Merrick, Lestat proves the villain right, before he finally realizes how bad he's messed up AGAIN, and course corrects to try proving them WRONG about him.

But Lestat's character development is a marathon, not a sprint; so it's not until Blackwood Farm that Lestat finally simmers TF down, and it's not till the PL Trilogy that his redemption arc really shines best. In PLatRoA, Louis proposes to Lestat WITH AMEL STILL IN HIM, as the Sacred Core directly communicating with Lestat, with the greatest chance to ACTUALLY take over Les if he wanted to! Louis is arguably the MOST concerned about Amel staying posted up in Lestat & possibly taking over him, so sure, I CAN see AMC leaning into the fear that Lestat's underestimating the chance of being spiritually possessed; esp. when compared with Akasha & Rhoshamandes. But that's also what SEPARATES Lestat from those 2, cuz he IS different; he IS special--to Amel. Cuz Les has a massive capacity to LOVE; he LISTENS, and treats Amel like a FRIEND, a PERSON, not a monster. And Lestat was SAD when Kapetria darn near kidnapped him & forced the surgical operation that finally separated Amel from him--cuz Lestat's ALWAYS carried that fear of abandonment in him.

Cuz it's not about Amel at all: it's about the HUMAN SOUL in each & every vampire; at the core of Gothic lit as a genre.

Cuz vampires ARE monsters, but the whole point of TVC is how they all learn how to be BETTER monsters/people; and NOT act like "barbarians" & wild animals--hence: Lestat's Vampire Court in the Chateau Era at the end of the franchise. Hence: Lestat finally becoming WORTHY of Louis' love.

So if AMC succumbs to pressure from the Lestans and retcons S1 & S2 to blame it all on Amel, Imma call that weak ish out on the spot.

[sleepy-grav3]

Obsessions

More of a ramble, but it could be taken as a prompt. Closer to a headcanon though.

Tw: swears, bad lab safety, murder (Dan's human half)

So you guys know how Danny's obsessions is either space, protection, or both of them? Well if it had to do with protection, what happened with Dan?

Obsessions are more of a ghost thing. His humanity was killed with his human half? What if that wasn't it?

Protection is actually a much wider spectrum. It doesn't just have to do with protecting someone else, but also yourself.

Getting rid of Dan's human half got rid of his morality, his humanity, the hero in him.

What if it also mutated his Obsession?

A lot of people like to call his obsession violence, maybe even family for a select few. But I think it should be Safety.

Yes, safety is basically synonymous with protection, but there are differences apparently. I'm more focused on differentiating them though. It just helps separate Danny and Dan's obsessions from each other to avoid misunderstandings.

But point is- what if Dan's obsession is actually about protecting himself? What if his obsession is keeping himself safe?

When he got separated from his human half, it was because his human half wanted him gone. There must've been some underlying part of Ending him, killing him, really making sure he was gone. And Dan would know. He was just the same mind as the other half before the separation took place.

So to keep himself safe, to protect himself, he killed off his human half. He knew how smart they were. You can't live with scientists, modifying their inventions to become less lethal, without learning a thing or 2.

And then there was Vlad. He was strong. The human half of him was what made Danny so durable, as he was resistant to anti-ecto equipment thank to that. Which meant Dan was weaker now and Vlad could easily avenge that Danny or take control of Dan. That's not even mentioning that he was only half a being.

So he stole Plasmius and fused, overpowering the other. Then becoming Dan and all that.

But then the whole world was still against him, with the GIW and all that (I don't know if they were introduced by then, but let's just imagine they were). They were a threat. The people hating him could all grow a pair and make weapons if they tried hard enough, so they were a threat.

So he killed them.

Then the time shenanigans came in and he met his younger self. That would obviously mess with reality somehow. Enough that he'd disappear. So he went to save himself by trying to make the same events happen to Danny.

It would make sense. So yeah. Dan's obsession is Safety in my opinion.

Maybe in a redemption arc, he protects his family (he won't admit that he thinks of them like that) because it'll affect his mental and emotional heal. He's trying to save himself from heartache of losing someone else.

Did you think that was it? Hell no. Let's continue with Vlad.

I bet his obsession is family. Obvious enough, but yeah. He considers Danny his son, Maddie his wife. No idea why he ignores Jazz despite her looking much more similar to Maddie than Danny.

Like- yeah, Danny is the one with ghost powers. But Jazz has the looks, specifically the hair. idk, I feel like he should obsess more for her.

"She has my eyes" not really "and Maddie's hair" yep.

That type of thing. He's delusional enough in the show.

Then there's Elle/Ellie/Dani. Obvious and agreed upon enough: Freedom.

But what about Jazz?

What if she became a halfa or considered liminal enough for an honorary obsession?

I'd think hers would be stability. She wants everyone to be ok, normal, and she's canonically a control freak. Sure, hers could be control, but I feel like she isn't much in the controlling thing.

Psychology, for example, is seeking stability and recovery. Recovery doesn't work much because I don't see her fretting over paper cuts or anything like that. But I bet she wants a break for everyone. and everything would be fine if everything went the same. Was normal. Was stable and not out of control like a government branch trying to commit war crimes and mass genocide.

This could probably be put differently. Maybe a different word, but I feel like this fits? Idk, maybe I'm not explaining this right, but this is technically a ramble.

Oh! And this makes sense if Jazz is the halfa. "I'll make sure everything stays the same" Everything becomes stable. There's still a problem, but as long as it's dealt with accordingly, it's ok.

Completely off topic, but there's this artist that draws Jazz as Jazz Phantom with blue hair and I think an orange headband and she's SO pretty like that. I almost want to get back into art to draw fanart with that now stuck in my head. She's just so PRETTY! she's pretty as a human too but- just- I love the blue hair. I love the idea in general. Made me get to the point of actively simping for Jazz and not just being a fan-

Anyway!

Jazz's obsession is stability.

and the Fenton Parents are just plain crazy. They have stuff to block out ectoplasm, right?

They still show skin. They still breathe in air with ambient ectoplasm in it.

What the fuck is their obsession called? Is it shared? Is it the same?

Are their kids part of it?

I'm not sure. Oh shit-

What the fuck would their obsessions be???

Just ghosts?

It could be but it could be more.

It could be so much more.

I bet Wes was hanging around Danny so much that he became liminal enough to get an honorary obsession. Sam and Tuck too.

Wes - Exposing the Truth

Sam - Save the Earth

Tuck - Technology

[potatoesarecheese]

fics that have forever altered my brain chemistry

(organized by fandom)

Grishaverse

read me poetry by dead men by demigodbeautiies

Major Character Death (but like, he's already dead)

Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, background Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, ghosts, ghosts only exist in the moments they are remembered, Non-Linear Narrative, Hurt Hurt Hurt Hurt/Comfort, this one will leave you actually sobbing, implied sexual content

Word Count: 16792 words. 1/1 chapter

Summary:

Wylan suits bright colours better than anything else: especially the warm tones that bring out the gold shine in his hair. He doesn’t look good in black.

Or: Jesper watches the living carry on without him.

origami butterflies by focacciaherbs

Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Background Nina/Matthias, road trips with a stranger, first meeting, modern au, miscommunications, so much bickering, Jan Van Ick is a terrible father but karma catches up to him eventually, implied sexual content (not really)

Word Count: 54536 words. 8/8 chapters

Summary:

“Are you Jesper Fahey?” Just say no, Jesper thinks as he stares at the man in front of him. Deny it and drive off.  “Yeah, that’s me.” He sighs. “Get in.”

or: as part of a job for kaz, jesper agrees to drive a weird, annoying, definitely not at all attractive stranger across the country. shenanigans ensue.

Only One Reasonable Plea by Frick6101719

fear of noncon (it doesn't happen, and Kaz never has that intention, but Inej is very convinced that it might for a moment)

Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Inej's early days in the Dregs, she also gets a better explanation of her contract with the dregs, Kaz is trying his best to be a good boss but he is just so confused and emotionally incompetent sometimes

Word Count: 3883 words. 1/1 chapter

Summary:

Inej realises that she was so eager to leave the Menagerie she neglected to ask a few important questions about just what her duties as a Dreg would be, and what exactly her new boss expects from her.

a good myth is hard to kill by MajorGodComplex

Kaz Brekker/Darkling, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker/Jesper Fahey (kind of), Sun Summoner Kaz, Canon-Typical Violence, Mostly Kazling, unhealthy relationships, the slowest of burns (death threats are involved), Kaz learns how to open up to people the hard way, meanwhile the Darkling is busy gaslight-gatekeep-girlbossing, no seriously is gets bad, the Crows have so many shenanigans, oh and Nikolai is there too I guess

Word Count: 231561 words. 97/97 chapters

Summary:

“Kaz Brekker…Sun Summoner...I’ve been waiting a long time for you.” “Hope that means you’ve built patience, then, because I anticipate you’re going to wait a fair bit more.”

Kaz is the Sun Summoner, and boy is he pissed about it.

Batman Media

what you're longing for (you claim to abhor) by ghost-bxrd

Violence (mostly canon-typical, but there are some graphic-er parts)

They're All Good Siblings, Identity Reveal, jason pretends to be a hallucination, the bats get kidnapped far too many times to be healthy for them but it's ✨for the plot✨, the batfam has a collective identity crisis about Red Hood, Hurt/Comfort, oops Jason accidentally got emotionally attached to someone he's supposed to hate

Word Count: 52036 words. 12/12 chapters

Summary:

He smiles, all teeth, “Come on Replacement, I even got to the door with both legs busted. This should be nothing.” “You’re right. Jason… Jason wouldn’t have given up. He would fight, I can still—“ The boy wobbles, and Jason has to suppress the mortifying impulse to jump to his aid. “I can still fight. Batman needs me.” “That’s a terrible idea,” he muses aloud, and if there’s a hint of real concern somewhere under all the roiling green, well, nobody can prove it.

aka. the not-actual-hallucination Jason Todd tries the less hands on approach to getting revenge. It ends up backfiring spectacularly.

aka. the non traditional way to (reluctantly) reintegrate into the family after being dead, coming back to life, and becoming a crime lord, Jason "Red Hood" Todd edition

On The Record by oldmannapping

Social Media, Crack Treating Seriously, mostly about Roy & Bernard & Jason but there's a bunch of other characters in there too, mini stories and vignettes that kind of connect

Word Count: 9,652 words. 7/? chapters

Summary:

Bernard and Roy start a TikTok page. Red Hood reads thirst tweets. Nightwing is a troll. Roy gets candid.

Gotham isn't prepared.

I will probably add to this...

[memoria-99]

Thoughts about Gilbert's route

I was originally writing something about IkePri routes but then Gilbert part became ridiculously long so just decided to make this a single post.

Sooo...

Gilbert's route looks like the whole combination of dark routes I've seen in Ikeseries.

I'll fix this damn world myself no matter what it takes(Vlad) + death wish(Dazai, Charles) + puts a fake smile as a mask(Shakespeare) + is aware of own sin and knows it's unredeemable(Licht) + @

Obviously not a fun route, relatively heavy plots, frankly there were many wtf moments, and I really do think Emma suffered way too much, but it was a good "villain" route. I mean, other villains I know... like Shakespeare and Vlad in IkeVamp who are supposed to be the villains didn't look much like villains tbh, they didn't do real bad things to Mitsuki(well, Shakespeare did tie her up but still). But Gilbert looks like a proper villain to me. He is weirdly obsessed with Emma, tried to corrupt her, threatened her and isolated her. He even nearly killed her. Yeah this is the villain. He had a tragic past and was actually doing stuff for what he believed to be a better world, but that doesn't justify his behaviors anyway.

Emma in this route has real great mentality, very brave and embraces everything(except violence) like a saint. Her love is almost in the level of agape aka god's love.

I also love the ways "sinner" LIs are written in this game, including Gilbert and Licht, and how Emma deals with those. Instead of trying to just reassure it's okay don't let that bother you, she's like "I know what you did cannot be forgiven, nothing can change that, but I'll embrace even that part of you and lead you to step forward"

And this is the best adaptation of "Beauty and the Beast" theme, Chevelier would come second(thought his route was the best in this category before doing Gilbert). A prince who was once a human turned to a beast, this beast has a limited time, a beauty decides to be the "hostage" of the beast herself, she and her love brings him a change.

I've seen some hates of this route, and yeah their relationship is not healthy AT ALL, rather twisted, but I don't think it's particularly bad in this case. I mean, he's the villain indeed, and not all romances should be like the happiest fairytale, right? Moreover, Emma was no shrinking violet. She never gave up on her ideals, didn't hesitate to state her opinion in front of Gilbert's threat, worked as Chevalier's spy, and whenever the relationship with Gilbert turned feeble she was the one took the lead and spoke up, renewing the relationship. And while it's true Emma looked like a victim of his behavior it's also said that she conquered him at last. She won.

"I want to make you a part of my normal life. ... ...and this time, I'm going to drag you into my world. ... So I'd like to start again. Prince Gilbert, will you be my friend?" (Emma)

Up until halfway through I was like hmmmmm, but when the route came to an end I couldn't dislike this bastard.

Nonetheless, irl this kinda guy should be in the list of someone to avoid, but he's more than attractive as a 2d guy.

P.S. Considering his physical state and what happened in this route, does this mean in all the other routes he'll be dead and only the fake would be left???

P.P.S. I like his blue eye, but seeing eyepatch for so long made me think him with both eyes look a bit off. Idk, I prefer the eyepatch version.

... Oh wow this really is ridiculously long.

[dejavalentine]

should this be how i introduce my @infamous-if mc no am i gonna do it anyway yeah. so hyped for the update!! can't wait to be tortured by my own voluntary choices!!!

Innes Von Yang— ‘Ivy’ or ‘IV’

she/they (nonbinary)

Vampire aesthetic. She also has a lollipop gimmick, as in, she'll go out on stage with one. She's starting bringing unopened ones onto stage to throw into the crowd since it became a thing, but it actually started because she ran onto stage one time with one and some fans thought it looked cool so she kept doing it.

Appearance wise, she has choppy dyed hair with white red and black in the mix. East asian girl with beige skin, but she does full face makeup on stage based around goth and vkei. Might do an outfit collage another time…

Goes by Ivy because it’s her initials (her parents thought von was a middle name and didn’t realize it’s meant to be part of the last name)

Her stage name though is IV, as in the hospital equipment, but cause it’s also the roman numerals for four, her lucky number. She started using it to match with Seven, and he has this as his tattoo because it’s always been ‘her number’ even before it was her stage name. She still has her tattoo as well, and doesn't bother to conceal it.

"Sev!" and "Ive!"

Similarly to how Seven doesn't like Duckstein, Ivy hates her first name and any variations of it, treating Ivy as her name. "Don't call me Nezzie!!" (unless it was high school and you were Seven getting back at them for calling you 'Ducky')

Needs glasses but wears contacts! They worked hard on that eye makeup goddammit!! They just wore glasses back in high school though.

Has a Soundcloud they’ve been using since middle school. They started posting solo songs there which are usually indie pop or some other experimental sound different from the band.

She used to play the violin, but stopped when she got older and focused more on being a vocalist and dance. Ironically? Not that good with plants.

Girl the first meeting between them and August was so funny. “August, meet IV, the one I was telling you about." “You can just call me Ivy. It's nice to meet you." “Isn’t that the same thing…?” “Nah. Ivy— I-V-Y is based off my initials. IV— I and V, is the Roman numeral four.” “…For?” “Yeah, four!” “No for what?” “What do you mean, four what? Four just…means four.”

Deadly arachnophobia. She screamed her fucking lungs out on the bus when they thought they saw one and climbed onto Rowan while shrieking at him to kill it (it was some thread).

They became way more bitter and cynical over time, but out of spite (towards their parents, the world, Seven—) remain stubbornly ambitious and laugh in the face of whatever tries to take her down. It’s just easier and less embarrassing to be volatile than wistful or a doormat. It's for the sake of pride, really.

Closeted Soft Violence fan. You will have to threaten to kill her (or catch her deeply off guard) before she even thinks of admitting this.

She projects anger and spite in front of Seven because she can't help herself. When it comes to being vulnerable, she would always stamp it down or try to cover it up. Inwardly, she’s just really sad and wanting for what’s not really there anymore and never will be. You’re in his dms I’m disgusted by the enormity of my desire!!! We are NOT the same!!!

This is similar to how she acts around her parents. She still really wants to have a relationship with them but feels she's the one who has consistently had to try to have that, which makes her bitter and embarrassed as an adult. They make her feel like a meek little kid again and this time she doesn't even have Seven to fall back on when that happens-- which makes the feeling worse. AUGHH!!!

She’s really only chasing fame because that has to be what makes all of this hurt and effort worth it. Otherwise, genuinely, what was it all for? To share their music? Don't fuck with them like that. It stopped being about 'their' music when Seven left. They're a damn good band, Ivy loves her friends, and she has fun-- but it's just not the same goal without him around anymore.

Used to hate confrontation, but now dives into drama for the hell of it (even if she won’t start it herself necessarily). Generally hates being underestimated or pitied, and doesn’t like getting help because they’re not a ‘charity case.’ Has become kind of trashy and plays comic relief with Rowan alot. Speaking of him...

Her ship name with Rowan was originally ‘IRow’ (Ivy’s a shameless atla fan) but was quickly overtaken by ‘Bloody Hart.’ They’re not into each other but they did kiss while drunk once (which for them kinda solidified the fact they aren't into each other). Fans also coined ‘Snivy’ for her and Seven, though the two never dated.

Is rooting for Piercehart. She has the edits that have started rolling in saved on her camera roll already. They've also been victims of the shipping culture though #AutumnIvy (a typo that just...stuck? August isn't even a fall month!)

Started believing in the idea of fate after Seven left the band. If it brought them together once it can do it again (she refuses to think about it or accept this being the real reason why yet and just chalks it up as her committing to the bit.)

Worst Demeanor: Tweeted ‘Taylor Swift is mid’ then put their phone on dnd for the next two days. She still has it pinned to her profile.

Pinch Me— cause I must be dreaming!

Genre: Alternative Rock, dipping occasionally into Pop Rock

Fandom: Idealists

First album: Burn the Candle

Hit song: At Both Ends

GC: pretenders

xoxo to anyone who got this far have these two drabbles. first one was inspired by the very normal line of thought ‘man what if mc died before they could make up with seven’ (+haha they swapped how they feel about fate) and the second from the fact that sev canonically thought abt mc during their dates like DUDE !!!

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

The Performer: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.1k

Summary: Hold on. Just hold onto what's good. Don't let him see how broken you are. Spencer becomes heartbroken when he realizes that you don't want to see him but you'll see everyone else. How can you see yourself through his eyes like this?

Season Five Masterlist

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

Once Paul was taken to the interrogation room, the team got together to figure out how they were going to talk to him. If he is the unsub, then how is he doing it? Paul is pacing the interrogation room while the team watches him from the next room.

"A lot of this doesn't add up," Spencer mutters.

"We've been wrong before."

"Not this much."

"The plot thickens," Emily says when she enters the room. "He was arrested for domestic violence ten years ago."

"How bad?"

"Well, Garcia was able to find the battery charge but it was expunged, so who knows?"

"Again, welcome to celebrity justice," Kim scoffs.

Emily looks through the two-way mirror and watches Paul pace in thought.

"He's pretty agitated."

"I wonder why."

"Celebrities out here aren't used to being put in the box," Kim explains.

"This seems more than that, though."

"I don't know. These are people everyone falls down around and defers to. Adulation is their norm."

"You know, Prentiss, that may be a good way for you to play him," Derek says.

"Me? You were the one who pointed at him. He may see you as an adversary. Have him off-guard."

Derek wishes you were here. He hates the rule Strauss put in place for you. Let the locals handle it. His ass. If you were here right now, you'd be able to see through Paul and understand how to get to him. He clenches his jaw in thought. Rossi walks into the room, bringing Derek back into reality. 

"So, what did you tell the press?"

When Paul arrived, the press and fans were outside waiting to hear what he had to say. Word travels around fast when it comes to celebrities. Rossi stayed behind to deal with them.

"My official statement was that I hate Los Angeles. What's happening?"

"Prentiss is gonna take the lead."

"Good choice."

"Remember, if he is the unsub, he's ashamed of the disorder so use that to your advantage. Tell him you can't believe that someone like him could do this. Throw him a lifeline. Oh, and ask him for his autograph."

"Right," Emily nods. "Adulation." Emily takes a deep breath and walks inside the room. Paul stops pacing but he isn't calm about any of this. "Mr. Davies. Have a seat. Relax."

"Relax? How the hell am I supposed to relax? I've been trying to call my manager, but I can't get a signal."

"These interrogation rooms don't usually have cell service."

She gestures for him to take a seat across from her, and he does.

"Is there another phone that I can use? I think there's been a really big mistake."

"There's been no mistake. I'm sure that you couldn't have had anything to do with what's happened."

"Really? I mean, you're the one that brought me in here."

"The police gave me some bad information."

"You're not the police?" he asks, skeptical.

"Neither one of us is the type of person who belongs in a police interrogation room. I'm Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Of course, I know who you are. I'm a big fan."

"Really?" he scoffs.

"Does that surprise you?" Emily laughs.

"Yeah, that's a surprise."

"Okay, well, before we get started," she takes out a blank sheet of paper and slides it to him along with a pen. "Would you mind?"

"Would I mind what?"

"I hate to ask, but I don't usually get opportunities like this."

Paul seems to understand what she is asking and shoves the paper away from him.

"What the hell is this? You're no fan of mine. You people think I'm stupid. Am I suspected of something?"

Okay, time to drop the act. He's not going to buy into it anyway. Emily gets right down to business and takes out some crime scene photos to show him.

"What's the name of your new album, the one that comes out today?"

Paul looks at the pictures and almost gags in horror.

"Is she--"

"Dead? Yes. With the name of your new album written on her."

"It's a common phrase."

"Is it? It seems a little odd to me. The instead of A. This girl went home with you last night. Can you explain that?"

"I don't remember," he stutters.

"You don't remember hurting her? Their blood was drained from holes in their throats."

"What?"

"Are you a vampire, Mr. Davies?"

"You can't be serious. It's a character I play. A stage act."

"I understand things get out of hand, sometimes."

"No, no, no! This is crazy! I don't know how that girl ended up like that. I think I need my manager here."

"You're gonna do this all on your own, just like a big boy."

"I have a right to a lawyer."

"Are you asking for an attorney?"

"No. I'm asking to speak to my manager so he can find one. I need a phone. I need to make a call. I need to make a call."

Emily can't question him further if he asks for a lawyer. She gathers the files and leaves him alone in the room.

"There's nothing you can do when they lawyer up, Prentiss," Derek says.

"Y/N would know if he was lying or not."

Everyone goes quiet at your name and just like that, Derek's jaw ticks in anger.

Spencer's phone rings and he answers it when he sees it's JJ.

"Dr. Reid here."

"Spencer, what is going on? Anything?"

"The possible suspect is some sort of rock and roll star. A lot of it doesn't fit the profile, though."

"Anything I can do?"

"Yeah. There's a lot of media attention."

"Okay, I'll get right on that when I get back. I'm at Gina's house so let me get some info first."

"Great. Thank you so much," Spencer hangs up.

"None of this makes any sense," Derek sighs.

"Television is saying his new record is selling through the roof. All of his stuff is. As soon as his being questioned in an actual string of murders became public. What are we gonna do with him?"

"Well, he wants to talk to his manager so maybe we let him make that call and find out what that guy knows."

"It's worth a try," Derek nods.

Hotch steps off to the side to take a call only to return five minutes later with some news.

"That was the lab. The saliva samples from the victims' throats indicate that the DNA's from a woman."

No one says it but everyone thinks that if you were here, you would have known it was a woman from the first crime scene. Not having you here is weighing down heavily on everyone's shoulders. If they don't help you out of prison, then what kind of family are they to you? You say for them to work normal cases and help other people but who is helping you? Who is going to save you?

"A woman? That's incredibly rare."

"Not impossible."

"No, but Renfield's with this type of aggression almost never presents this way."

"Okay, we knew something was wrong. Our profiles have never been this far off, Reid. Go back and work it with a woman. See if there's anything we may have missed. Prentiss, get ready to give Paul his phone call."

With his permission, Emily escorts Paul out of the interrogation room and into the main room where every police officer is roaming. She leads him to a desk phone and stands close to him.

"Can I have some privacy?"

"That's not how it works."

He's given a chance to use the phone regardless if someone is next to him. He takes the opportunity and calls his manager.

"Ray?"

"Holy hell, man, the record's gone through the roof!"

"What do you mean?"

"It's flying off the shelves. I told you I'd fix it. I told you. Yeah, everything's good. You're gonna be back on top and everything's gonna go right back to normal, You can stop doing the drugs."

"Ray, I'm at the police station with the FBI," he hisses.

"I know, I know, I know. Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry?"

"No, don't worry about it. Look, there's nothing that could be tied to you, absolutely nothing. It's all good, man."

"What did you do, Ray?"

This gets Emily's attention.

"The less you know about it the better. Look, I gotta take care of this thing and then I'll be right back. I'll be down there. Let me just fix this."

"Ray--"

"Hey, relax, would ya? It's gonna be alright."

Ray hangs up before Paul can get another sentence out.

"Did he do something?" Emily asks.

"I don't know."

"What did he say?"

"He said he'd be down to fix it."

"Fix what?"

"Fix this, I suppose."

The call with Ray didn't help much but Spencer is going over the profile again since the unsub is now a woman. They made it based on a man so it's going to be different through the eyes of a woman. Penelope calls him when she's got more information on the whole situation.

"Yeah?"

"I found fan mail to Dante. Vampire fan mail. It's bananas."

"Obsessional?"

"Ad infinitum and beyond. Tara's friend Gina, the stuff she writes... He's her God. A vampire God. She lives for him. She said she'll kill for him."

"She fits every other piece of the profile. Gotta go." He hangs up. "Guys! The girl Tara was with before she died is our unsub!"

"Do you have an address?"

"JJ is there right now."

"Let's go," Hotch says.

If the unsub is Gina and JJ went to her house alone, there's no telling what kind of trouble JJ is in which is why Derek hauled ass to her place. The entire house is covered with boxes, papers, and everything else a hoarder would have in their house. It's hard to navigate through the mess but half of the team walks inside the house while the other half goes through the back.

JJ wasn't expecting Gina to be off her rocker with styrofoam boxes of blood in her backyard, nor was she expecting Paul's manager to hit her in the back of the head with a shovel. She is going to have a slight bruise later, but nothing she can't handle.

The team arrived just in time to save her, arrest Ray, and take Gina away no matter how much she screamed about the blood going bad if she didn't take care of it.

The team is back on the plane before they know it, and tension is high. JJ is sitting by the window with an ice pack on her head, Spencer is staring at her with guilt in his eyes, and Derek is watching Spencer's body language and reactions. Everyone else is doing their own thing.

"I feel so bad I didn't go with you to interview Gina," Spencer sighs.

"Spence, stop, alright? We had no way of knowing she was gonna be dangerous. She was just the friend of a victim. Granted, a schizophrenic friend with a sociopathic partner."

"Seriously, Reid, we had no way of knowing that Gina had that type of anger inside of her," Derek says.

"Y/N would have known," Spencer whispers with tears. Silence falls over everyone. He looks up and lets the tears fall. "I don't understand why she doesn't want to see me."

"Kid," Derek sighs, "she doesn't want you to look at her like that or remember her in that way."

"We're supposed to be partners. Do you think I wanted her to see me after Tobias? No, but we did it anyway."

No one has an answer for that. They honestly don't know what to say. The only person he can talk to about this is you, and that's hard when you won't let him talk to you. He doesn't care if you don't want to see him. He's going to go down to that prison and talk to you like adults because he can't handle not talking to you. A few days after they landed back in Virginia, he finally got the chance to head down to Goochland to see you.

You're in the rec room with Ashley playing some cards with her. You spent a few days in solitary confinement but got out on good behavior. Big Sue hasn't touched another person after being humiliated in front of everyone, and she's been leaving Ashley alone in fear of you.

"I am so sorry you got thrown in solitary confinement because of me," she sighs.

"Listen to me, I won't be all the time so you need to stand up to these bullies. I know it's scary but I promise that if you do it once, they'll back down. She won't bother you and if she does, just stand up to her."

"Okay," she nods.

"Y/N?" You look up and see one of the guards approaching you. "You've got a visitor."

"Who?"

"Spencer Reid."

Your heart aches at what you're about to do. You look away from the guard and curl up on the couch.

"I don't want to see him."

"Okay."

The guard tells the office in the lobby of this, and the officer looks at Spencer who has hopeful eyes.

"Inmate has refused visitation. Next!"

Someone pushes past Spencer to talk to the officer at the desk but Spencer can't seem to leave. He's angry, frustrated, and heartbroken all rolled into one. He doesn't know what to think. What does this mean for you two if you won't let him see you?

"Better write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self." - Writer Cyril Connolly

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[shalomniscient]

sevchino req!!! wanna see protective arle to the children please,,,,,,father in action raahhhh

you and me BOTH anon 🥺🥺🥺 ......................

protective || sevchino

cw. none (?)

notes. yeah i like bullying pantalone (and not in a fun way like a bully rahu). sue me. also super self indulgent with no consistent pov dshjjdfhk

"My, my. What's a little girl like you doing in a place like this, hm?"

Estelle hugs the little bear closer to her chest. Her father had told her to stay in the office, but she was taking so long, and it was starting to get lonely...

She lifts her eyes up from the ground to look at the man crouched before her. He has long, dark hair that reminds her of her father's with how soft it looks. He has a polite smile on his face, but it doesn't reach his eyes. And his eyes—something about them made her nervous.

"I'm here with my father," she answers quietly, squeezing her toy. "I was supposed to stay in the office, but..."

The man clicks his tongue. "Tsk. Poor little thing, did your father leave you behind?"

Estelle bites her lip. Should she answer him? Father always told her not to speak with strangers, but it's been so long, and she wants to go home. She knows she'd begged her father to let her tag along, but now, all she wants to do is go home to her mother and Noé.

So she nods, looking back down at the ground. The man sighs, and rises back to his full height. He's tall, towering over her, and the way the lights backlight his form makes Estelle reflexively take a step back. He looks down at her down the bridge of his nose, the silver rim of his glasses glinting.

"Then how about I help you find her, hm?" he asks. "I think I know exactly who your father is."

Despite her apprehension, Estelle brightens. "Really?"

"Really," he nods. His white cloak parts, and he extends a gloved hand to her. But before he can take her smaller hand in his own, an arc of pure, blistering flame snakes around the girls feet, creating a protective, blazing wall. But around the girl, the fires cool, warm and comforting instead of threatening.

Footsteps echo like thunder down the hall, and the man tucks his hand back into his cloak, those dangerous eyes turning sharp, and a venomous grin creeping onto his face.

"We meet again, Knave," he sneers. Estelle turns, and standing behind her, expression twisted into a level of fury she's never seen before, is her father. A blood-red wing pulses over her left shoulder, flickering and shifting in the light. In her father's hand is a mean-looking red scythe, radiating a furious, hungry aura.

"Stay away from my daughter, Regrator," Arlecchino snarls, practically vibrating with rage. She keeps her eyes trained on the other Harbinger as she kneels down, and Estelle runs into her waiting arm. Pantalone watches it all with a deceptively placid smile.

"You know," he hums, "she has her eyes."

Arlecchino glares at him with enough fury to kill a normal man. But as much as she loathes the waste of breath before her, he is still a Harbinger, and Harbingers have always been far from normal.

"Do not speak of my wife," she says lowly, dangerously, cradling Estelle against her chest. Estelle tucks her head beneath her father's chin, one small hand winding tight in her father's jacket and the other clutching her bear plushie. The little thing's fur is slightly singed. Then, her father's gaze shifts from the man and to her, and her eyes soften. "Are you alright, starshine?"

Estelle nods, snuggling closer against her father's warmth. Arlecchino presses a soft kiss to her forehead, then turns back to Pantalone. She dispels her scythe, but it does not make her any less deadly. She considers, briefly, ripping the man before her to shreds; but Estelle takes priority, and she'd hate for her daughter to have to witness such violence, so she turns on her heel and walks away instead.

She will ensure the Regrator understands that her family is off limits in other ways.

[iamnmbr3]

Saw the post about Voldemort's campaign potentially escalating as a direct result of Alphard's death and I have 2 thoughts.

One is that I think the locket horcrux was made from Alphard's death directly, not just while grieving. I subscribe to the idea that Tom is in the right mindset of self-hatred, emotional suppression, and general unwellness that he makes horcruxes without meaning to. Any feelings from killing get suppressed so violently that the part of his soul trying to feel remorse gets split off and shoved into a random object. If Alphard is dying and he asks Tom to end his suffering, and Tom obliges... that's going to create a horcrux.

The second thought is that the escalation implies there was a different gameplan assuming Alphard didn't die. Maybe Tom planned to drum up hype for himself and get enough supporters in the right places for a bloodless coup or just get elected Minister of Magic, and then surprise! He's not pureblood and doesn't believe in pureblood supremacy at all! The rich purebloods look like fools but they can't do anything about it because Tom literally branded them as his slaves. Alphard wouldn't be happy but he'd have to agree it was funny.

With Alphard dead, Tom has no need to make the joke palatable to anyone but himself. So, he might as well destroy the society he hates so much.

(Anon is referring to this post). Oooh I love these thoughts! This ship is just the gift that keeps on giving. There are so many interesting directions you can go with it.

Also consider. We know that magic and emotion are linked. Getting angry or upset can make even grown wizards lose control of their powers or able to accomplish things they couldn't normally do. So his grief over Alphard plus the nihilistic rage and violence this triggers plus perhaps suppressed feelings of guilt/self hatred could have destabilized his magical essence. And then on top of that he makes multiple Horcruxes and then Lily does...whatever it is she did that night in Godric's Hollow. And it's the perfect storm of factors to cause his soul to literally fly apart when the curse rebounds.

And yeah. I definitely think your second point makes complete sense. And you could also do something where now there's no Alphard who is deeply connected to pureblood society and thus humanizes and protects them a bit due to the fact that they are his relatives/people he's known his whole life and probably wouldn't wish to see brutally tortured to death. So now Tom has his vendetta against wizarding society - and especially the traditionalist purebloods who once made his life so miserable - and no counterbalancing force. AND he's angrier and more unstable and more nihilistic than ever. Not a good combination.

And on top of that in a sense "Tom Riddle" dies with Alphard because while there are people left who know his true identity, none of them really know or care about that person. There's no one left to really understand the distinction between Tom and his performance as Voldemort. So in a way he becomes the mask.

This ship is so fascinating and has endless potential - for both hilarious crack and tragic angst and everything in between - depending on the exact iteration and context you go for.

It's definitely canon though. I mean what other explanation for the sudden escalation could there possibly be? xD

[lizardperson]

can't win them all

[on ao3]

fandom: fallout new vegas characters: female courier/original male character rating: m cw: non-graphic discussion of killing/canon-typical violence, guilt/remorse wc: 779 prompt: #fff269 living weapon for @flashfictionfridayofficial

---

"You're quiet."

"Hm?" Mika looked up, then she chuckled. "Shouldn't you be happy that I’m finally shutting up for once?"

"It's just always a bit worrying," Gabriel remarked gently.

She rolled her eyes and laughed, as usual ignoring his concerns. "Ugh, whatever." Silent again, she went back to staring into the campfire. After a while, she started gnawing on her lip. "Can I ask you something weird? Do you know how many people you killed? Like, ever?"

He wanted to ask where the hell this was suddenly coming from, but then it dawned on him what was going on in her head - the damn Fiend thing again. Of course she was still mulling over that. "No. Stopped counting eventually."

"Doesn't that bother you? That it's so many that you've lost count?" She didn't sound accusatory, just… sad. It's not like she hadn't killed before - that's what life in the wasteland was like. But Mika usually only resorted to lethal force in self-defense. Gabriel preferred to keep it that way too - but their definitions of what constituted 'self-defense' differed somewhat.

"Mika, I've been a soldier for thirty years. It's literally part of the job, as cruel as it may sound. You need to disconnect that from yourself or you go insane," he tried to explain. "I was a tool. A weapon."

"Just following orders, hm?" she retorted gloomily, and they both got quiet again. This whole thing really ate away at her. Eventually, she looked up again. "Maybe we can negotiate some kind of peace deal with that Motor-Runner guy."

Gabriel sighed. "Pretty sure the NCR brass already tried that. What makes you think you'll have more luck?"

Mika made a face. "I mean, it's not like they have such a great track record when it comes to diplomacy with the locals. I think I'm a bit more persuasive than your buddy Hsu," she objected. "Got nicer tits, too." Her stupid joke dissolved the tension a bit and they both chuckled.

Gabriel paused for a moment. "Mika, we don't have to assassinate those damn Fiend leaders." He wasn't happy that Colonel Hsu had brought this whole thing up anyway. Was the army really this fucked that they had to outsource their raider troubles to some random freelancer? The Fiends had been harassing the surrounding settlements for a while now, killing and abducting people, and the army seemed to be unable to put an end to it. "We don't have to make this our problem."

"It already is our problem! If we do nothing, even more people get killed. And just because we didn't shoot them ourselves doesn't mean it's not on us!"

Gabriel listened to her patiently and sighed. "I wish you would stop putting the whole damn Mojave on your shoulders," he remarked quietly. "You can't save everyone."

"But I still have to try."

He pulled her into his arms and stroked her back, both lost in thought for a while. "I'll go alone," he then proposed. "I'll take Boone and ED-E and we'll handle it without you."

Mika frowned. "How is that any better? Sending you in there to pull the trigger instead of doing it myself is worse, actually."

He didn't expect her to go for it, but it was worth a try. Gabriel hated seeing her so distressed; why did she always have to care so damn much? It was one of her worst traits - and one of her best at the same time, and he admired her for it. If only it wouldn't bring her so much pain all the time.

"We have to try talking to them," Mika eventually declared. "There has to be some kind of peaceful solution."

He snorted. "What, you want to just waltz into Vault 3 for a friendly chat?"

"Yeah. Maybe the Khans can set something up." She crossed her arms defiantly. "You don't have to come if you think it's such a dumb idea."

"Well, I certainly won't let you walk in there alone," Gabriel objected.

"Why not?"

He pulled her closer and kissed her head. "Someone's gotta keep you out of trouble."

"Good luck with that," she chuckled, snuggling into his arms.

They sat in silence again for some time and Gabriel considered their options. "Fine," he sighed. "Diplomatic approach. We'll figure something out." This way, he could at least keep her from rushing in blindly. They would try to gather some intel, come up with an actual plan, and hopefully not die in the process.

Mika noticeably relaxed, and he wrapped his arms around her tighter. "Thank you," she whispered. The lengths he was willing to go for her peace of mind…

[saltiestpie]

Viren's Death and Transformative Justice

Trigger warning: there will be mentions of csa and rape but nothing graphic

It's time to talk politics! When it comes to Viren's finale, I'm honestly disappointed (but not surprised) that the writers chose a cop-out in a form of "heroic death" rather than to show a person who's hurt others put effort into becoming better and atoning for his crimes. From a political perspective, this is related to my stance against carceral (and capital) punishment and in favor of prison abolition.

Viren would either rot in a cell or die, instead of getting a chance to heal, which is a regressive and reactionary way of thinking, completely in line with the right wing ideology but which has been so normalized in our culture that liberals and many leftists don't question it. The general norm is thus - if someone does a crime, they should go to prison, regardless of how the prison will break them and make them worse. And that's not counting all the people who want criminals to be killed.

To talk about my anti punitive justice stance, I would like to take a darker turn and talk about a very serious type of crime. There's this amazing video by a youtuber Kathrin where she talks about prison abolition and how the carceral system hurts people (including victims of crime!) more than it helps them. And she uses her own experience as s CSA survivor as a lens through which she looks at this sensitive topic.

The video is 37 minutes long and features a heavy topic so I understand if you don't want to watch it but I really really recommend you do, because it will challenge your preconceptions about justice and the carceral system.

However, if you really don't have the time/desire/spoons for it, here are the main points:

the carceral system should be abolished

it should be replaced by transformative justice which focuses on taking care of victims above punishing the perpetrators, as well as crime prevention by understanding the root causes of crime.

Okay, you might ask - so what does this have to do with Viren, who chose to die? Well, in addition to the philosophy that he had to die or didn't deserve mercy being directly linked to the current system, there's also this section towards the end of the video (24:50) where Kathrin discusses what transformative justice would look like for her. Emphasis on the last part, as different victims would want different things:

"For me, transformative justice would look like sitting sitting with my abuser in a circle of care with people all around us, flanking us, attending to our healing, becoming our surrogate family as they facilitate our conversation."

How powerful is that? And she's talking about someone who raped her as a child. Viren is not even close to the monster Kathrin is talking about.

So let's talk Soren and Viren. I've seen plenty of people say they hate Viren for what he did to Soren (which is absolutely valid!) and I assume they care about Soren's well being. So tell me, which sounds better for Soren - having his abusive father die on him, leaving him with a gaping wound and a ton of unanswered questions or getting to sit with him, surrounded by people he trusts and who can support him and having an extension of the conversation they almost had in the dungeon, where he gets to heal together with his father? He doesn't have to forgive Viren, but having that might provide him closure and help him contextualize certain things.

And don't get me wrong - there are parts in the show that I think are excellent in terms of mutual healing - Viren acknowledging what he'd done to Soren and taking full responsibility for it was very powerful. But it lost its momentum with Viren's death.

One of the central themes in TDP is ending the cycles of violence and yeah, the show does focus on it, I'm not saying it doesn't. But it keeps the entire political aspect of it firmly within the status quo, choosing what I would call a morally cowardly approach to this. And I'm sorry for using such strong language, I really am, but I think political centrism truly is a cowardly approach to politics. And politics in the show matter because the writers chose to make it matter.

Ultimately, whether you enjoyed the end of Viren's arc or not is up to you. It will mostly depend on how you read Viren's character throughout the show. I just genuinely find that ending emotionally unsatisfying and the perpetuation of the punitive justice mindset is one of the reasons, whether the writers intended it or not.

[goldsrc-hl1]

And I think the fact that sienna, the white fang civil rights leader who actually cared about the cause but was willing to use violence to achieve it gets killed off and her worldview barely gets acknowledge

Also I think crwby straight up compared the white fang to the black panther movement/organization?

Wether we want it to or not the show did initially frame the white fang subplot as violence vs non-violence

Plus ghira getting mad tgat adam killed a member of a lynch mob because “this is why they think they can” tells me ghira is on sone level focused in what humans think of Faunus,

Not helping that ghira gets put in charge again without having changed whatsoever

I hate to say it but intentionally or not, the idea that an oppressed minority need to “prove themselves” in any way to their oppressors is kinda racist, it’s at least problematic

Heck it’s a double standard “that we see in the real world as well” that Faunus can be branded like Adam or killed in mines like ilia’s parents to by humans like Jacques, yet humans as a whole don’t need to “prove” they aren’t him,

Because, quite frankly, most humans are entirely permissive of what Jacques and the SDC do

Yeah, Sienna's worldview is barely acknowledged. That's part of the failure to discuss racism and if responding to it with violence is justified or not.

Barbara Dunkleman, who is not a writer, said this

Barbara Dunkelman: So if anybody needs, like, a comparison for what the Faunus are in this world, it’s kind of like if you’re in the 1930s, or 1940s, whatever, and it’s like, the way African-American people were viewed.

Someone else (I can’t identify the voice): You mean like 50s and 60s, like Civil Rights Movement and stuff?

Barbara Dunkelman: Yeah.

Faunus are related to the American civil rights movement. They're certainly not viewed as poorly as African American people were viewed in the 50s and 60s, but they are still viewed and treated poorly and it is still based off of the American Civil Rights movement.

It's not 1:1 Black Panthers though. Sienna KINDA reminds me of them but not too much, Adam definitely doesn't.

The only time it was framed as violence vs nonviolence was in Blake's talk with Sun about why she left. As mentioned, that talk is about why she left, not what the White Fang is doing now. Even as early as Volume 1 and 2 it was clear that the White Fang wasn't fighting for equality.

Blake: The White Fang is hardly a bunch of psychopaths. They're a collection of misguided Faunus.

Weiss: Misguided? They want to wipe Humanity off the face of the planet!

Blake: So then they're very misguided. Either way, it doesn't explain why they would rob a Dust shop in the middle of downtown Vale!

Roman: I'm glad you asked, "Deery"! Now, I'll be the first to admit, humans... are the worst. Case in point. So, I understand why you would like to see us all locked away, or, better yet, killed!

So yeah, the White Fang was always an organization dedicated to just killing and hurting humans. In the past, it fought for equality, which is shown in Volume 1 through Blake's backstory, but it's never states that the White Fang currently fights for equality. The reason Blake left is that she didn't want to take part in the violence anymore (she never says they were wrong to resort to violence though, she just personally didn't want to be the one pulling the trigger), but the goal of the White Fang is no longer equality, as evidenced by Weiss and Roman.

You may say Weiss isn't well informed, which is true, but if she was wrong, why didn't Blake correct her? Roman is literally speaking at a White Fang rally when he says the line cited above, so he clearly knows what he's talking about.

Onto the next point...

Ghira wasn't upset that Adam fought back, he was upset when it got lethal. Ghira has a point, by killing humans, you're giving the humans an excuse to hate you more, regardless of how justified it was. It's something you wanna avoid at all costs. It's unfortunate, but it's the truth.

Ghira is put in charge of the White Fang again, only after he assembles an entire army to stop a terrorist attack in the making. I think it's pretty clear that he's past all the solely peaceful stuff.

The message is that the Faunus need to dispel racist ideas by proving them incorrect. I don't see how that's racist or problematic. Minorities should play a part in proving racist ideologies wrong.

Bear in mind that the Faunus aren't "proving themselves" as in repenting for past mistakes and whatnot, they're "proving themselves" as in "your racist idea that the Faunus are all murderers and terrorists is wrong." No Faunus apologizes for how the White Fang treats humanity. The whole thing is basically a big "you're blatantly wrong" to racist generalization that is extremely hard to ignore.

I don't see how it's racist to promote minorities proving racist ideologies wrong.

Humans in the show already prove that they aren't like Jacques by literally arresting him. They don't condone his exploitation. Hell, his own daughter doesn't condone it.

Most humans are, but by proving racist ideas wrong, the hope is that they will become less racist and ultimately oppose Jacques.

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Chapter 3

Series Summary: Gemma is definitely Cassidy James' favourite Styles family member, considering they are best friends and all. And especially considering that Harry Styles is Gemma's smug and self-centered younger brother. Her life isn't perfect, and neither is she, but she hates how everyone thinks Harry is. Because she knows that's not the case.

Chapter Summary: We all know Harry has a cheeky side, and the interview will be no exception. Except she isn't the only one asking questions. Also, the holidays are here, which brings up a lot of emotions for Cassidy.

Chapter Warnings: Some explicit language, unexpected pregnancy, alcoholic dad, degrading, domestic violence

[ flashback - Feb 2016 ]

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"It's gonna be okay."

"Okay? Are you kidding? Gemma, I'm fucking pregnant!" Cassidy retorts, throwing her face into her palms as she sits on the bathroom floor of her childhood home. "My dad's gonna kill me."

"It's not like you're fifteen though."

"Gem… it's my dad…"

"Right. Well, you don't… you don't have to tell them right away…" She gingerly suggests, and Cassidy wraps her arms around her knees, physically trying to hold herself together.

"I guess."

"Are you gonna tell the baby's father?"

Cassidy's body stiffens. She didn't even think about that part, that step in this sudden life-changing moment. She should have, but she didn't, and now everything feels twice as chaotic than it did when those two pink lines appeared on that pee stick.

"I… I have to. Right?"

Gemma is silent for a moment, scooting closer to her friend and wrapping her arm around Cassidy's shoulders.

"I can't answer that for you, CJ. You have to do what's right for you."

The problem is, she doesn't know what's right for her. And now, it's not just about her either. There's someone else involved. Someone she hasn't even met yet but needs to be taken care of, more so than herself. She also has to do what's right for him or her, and that is something she doesn't have an answer for at the moment.

"I… I don't…" She shakes her head as tears gather all across her lower lashes. "I don't know yet."

"Take some time." Her best friend responds, squeezing her into a tighter hug. "In the meantime, are you hungry, or at least craving anything? What can I get for you?"

"Oh god, yes. I really want some shortbread biscuits."

"That sounds good actually."

"And Marmite."

"Okay. No. You're on your own with that one."

Cassidy sighs. She knows what Gemma means, her statement is a comical one solely about the food choices she is craving, but she can't help taking it to a deeper level. She feels so alone.

"Hey, no, none of that. You're not actually alone." Gemma states, clearly picking up on the shift in the atmosphere. "I'm always here for you, yeah? Always."

[ present - Dec 2019 ]

If Cassidy thought that her "crepe Saturday" was nerve-wracking, she clearly underestimated how anxious she can get.

It is probably due to the fact that Harry asked to do the interview sooner rather than later, which in this case means the next day. Thankfully, she was able to call upon Roxie to take Cecelia and entertain her for a few hours.

However, that means she and Harry will be together alone. Not that any kind of conclusion can be made from it, he's simply coming over for an interview, but it doesn't keep her from feeling frazzled.

Her pair of comfortable, flared jeans and a big knit sweater still seem to be the best option for the day's outfit, even though she's checked it over and considered a change roughly fifty times already.

The doorbell prevents her from reconsidering her clothing choices yet again, and she shakes the anxiety out of her hands before opening the front door.

"Good morning!" Harry exclaims with a wide grin and more coffees in hand. "Brought these.'

"You don't have to bring me coffee every time you come over." She chuckles, realizing this is the third time he's been at her house, and only the second time he's actually been invited over.

"I didn't. These are both for me." He smirks, causing a blush to her cheeks, but out of embarrassment for her assumption.

"I'm joking." He adds, handing her one of the cups, with a deep dimple caving into his left cheek. "F'course this is for you!"

She gives him a sarcastic glare, knowing she should have expected that kind of mischief from him. It won't ever go away. However, his comment is not bothersome this time.

"Thank you." She replies, grabbing the cup and further opening the door to allow him to walk through.

She finds a seat at the table, and notices him still standing at the end.

"Where should I sit?"

"Oh." She chuckles. "Across from me. Makes it better when I can see your face."

"Hmm, does it now?"

She rolls her eyes, but can't hide the small smile trying to push its way across her face. She clears her throat as she realizes that his cheeky charm is flustering more than it's frustrating her, and she hasn't tried to correct it.

"Don't flatter yourself, I do it like that with everyone." She chuckles, shaking her head at how his narcissism always manages to peek through, even slightly. But somehow this time it is entertaining.

"I'm only teasing."

"Nothing new."

"So, let's get to it. What questions do you have for me?"

She flips her notebook open, and reads over what she has written down. She pulls out a recorder from her pocket and places it on the table.

"Is it okay if I record this?" She asks shyly. She quickly has the epiphany that she is now interacting with and seeing him as Harry Styles, the famous singer. That will be useful to keep her thoughts professional and maintain the boundaries she convinced herself she would keep. Though, she isn't sure why she feels the need to have them in the first place. Nothing really happened between them. Just two nights of sex. Really good sex. The best sex she's had. He is really, really good at it.

"Sure. Makes it easier for you to refer back to, right?" He responds, and she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in. Her eyes flicker up to him quickly before looking back down at her notes. "And it's old school. I like it."

She nods, presses the record button, and picks up her pen.

"Alright. So, Harry, you just had a secret show at the Electric Ballroom, showcasing the songs from your new album, 'Fine Line'. You also had one recently in Los Angeles. What made you decide to release your album and have those two performances at the end of this year rather than the beginning of the next?"

His eyes went wide and a huge grin displayed instantly. It looked as if he was surprised by her inquiry.

"That's a good question. Umm, I think for me personally, I was excited to share the songs with everyone and wanted to give my wonderful, wonderful fans something before the holidays and before tour next year." He replies, never taking his eyes off of her. She can feel them even as she looks down to the paper in front of her.

She looks back up to him, catching a bit of something in his gaze that she can't distinguish at the moment.

"Clearly you love the music that you make, and wouldn't put a song on the album that you didn't like. But is there one in particular that you are surprised the fans love as much as they do?"

"Umm, I don't think so. Obviously I hoped the album would be well received. I know not everyone is going to be a fan of every song. But what I didn't necessarily expect, and is a bit of a shame, is during the line in 'To Be So Lonely', when it says that 'I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch'... I didn't expect them to shout it so loudly back at me!"

They both laugh, and Harry begins to fidget slightly with the H and S initial rings on his hand.

"Did you?"

"Did I what?" She asks, looking up from the notes she just scribbled down.

"Yell it back at me?"

"I… umm…"

"You did!" He exclaims, throwing his hand dramatically against his chest in fake offense.

"I really didn't! I promise!"

He looks at her with a curious raised eyebrow, but flicks his hands at her to wave it off and continue the interview.

"So, talking about loving the music you make, is there a song from the album that you'd consider your favourite?"

As she waits for his answer, her own hand ready to write his response, she notices the silence. She looks back up and sees him staring down at his own hands, still fidgeting. His brow is slightly furrowed and his lips pulled inward.

"I'm sure most of your fans would have trouble choosing just one, so I can only imagine how hard it would be for you." She chuckles, hoping to ease whatever strain he seems to be feeling. Though, she is unsure why the question has caused him to stay quiet.

He clears his throat and runs one hand through his hair.

"No, no. I do." He brings his eyes up to meet hers, and there is now a discernible intensity to them, and it's an expression she can determine is one of vulnerability. For some reason, it makes her chest tighten. "Umm, I'd say one of my favourite songs from this album is 'Fine Line'. I'm really happy with it. Really proud of it."

Cassidy holds herself back from looking up to him and focuses on writing down his answer, but can feel his gaze burning into her.

"When we first made it, I instantly loved the melody, and the lyrics. I listened to it all the time during my last tour, like, I'd just listen to it in bed or during down time. I knew it would be the last song on the album, so we made it big. I wanted it to be big. It… it means a lot to me, that one."

"I think it's one of my favourites too."

"It is?" He replies with surprise. He sits up straighter and picks at his nails this time, her noticing a smile he's attempting to cover up. He never accomplishes that. She sees through the expression every time, but his question seems sincere. "What… what do you like about it?"

"It's… I mean… it's beautiful. And it just feels like a song, like, a relationship, that loads of people can relate to."

"Can you?" He asks quickly, and softly.

"Can I what?"

"Can you relate to it?"

She takes in a deep breath as she finishes writing down his last quotable words, staring at them for a moment, and doing everything she can not to entertain the thought of the song possibly being inspired by her. Specifically that last interaction, last fight, that they had over two years ago.

"Yeah, I can." She pauses, turning her gaze to the side and feeling emotions swirl through her stomach. Yes, she definitely can.

"Is it… is it because of… Cece's father?" He asks quietly. Shyly. He seems nervous to have asked the question, but she's even more nervous to answer.

No, she never told Harry that she was pregnant. She wasn't sure if he was even told by his family. The shock on his face, those few days ago, gave her the answer to that. He hadn't known. Not that there was a reason for him to know. It didn't involve him and frankly it was none of his business, especially considering how they left things. Especially considering how it happened, when it happened, and who she got pregnant by.

Yet, a small part of her feels as if that person, the father of her child, is not the one she might consider the song to be about for her. Because that relationship, for lack of a better term, was not something like Harry's lyrics describe.

She unintentionally reaches for the recorder and presses to stop it. "Sorry. I need… some water."

She stands from her seat, not able to come up with a better excuse to use, but hoping it'll suffice.

"I'm sorry, Cass. I'm not trying to pry."

"Yes you are." She gives him a small smile, which causes him to let out a quick, breathy chuckle.

"Can I ask a different question then?"

"Oh. Umm…" Her nerves peak.

"It's light-hearted. Promise. Casual conversation."

She nods. "Sure."

"Who are some of your favorite artists?"

She brings her glass to the table and sits back down. She looks up to him, watching as his smile turns into a full on grin and leaning back in his chair. He's waiting for her to say his name.

"Niall." She answers immediately, copying his posture by leaning back in her own chair, and hoping the wait for more is irritating him. "Cece absolutely loves him. Dances around to all of his songs. She likes Taylor Swi-"

"I asked who your favorite artists are, not hers." He chuckles with a faux frown, which only makes Cassidy giggle in response.

"I like them, too!" She jokingly scowls back. "I really like Ed Sheeran's stuff, and have been listening to Kacey Musgraves lately."

He sits there, one arm across his body and the other tugging on his bottom lip, a gesture she has seen many times before. A small smile appears on his lips and he leans forward, his forearms resting on the table with his hands clasped together.

"Does that mean I round out your top five?" He asks, his eyebrows raised in the most smug demeanor. It's one that Cassidy wants to squash, just a little.

"Not even close, Styles. I can't listen to you. I know you." She answers. She knows that in the context of their current conversation, her reply might not make sense. But in general, she has avoided listening to his songs, with the exception of a few, for the very reason she just mentioned. She knows him. And while she knows he hasn't written about her, besides potentially the one song she just proclaimed was her favourite, she hasn't been able to get herself to hear his heart in his songs. The reason is unknown to her. It feels silly. But she chocks it up to the fact that she has already dealt with enough from him, some good but mostly bad, and she would prefer not to awaken any of those frustrated emotions again if she can avoid doing so.

"Ouch." He dramatically hits his palm against his chest. "Usually your biggest supporters are the people who know you. You know, like your friends…"

He smiles but pulls his lips inward and drops his gaze, almost looking hurt by what he just said. Friends. He's the only person that word feels weird with. Complicated with. And they're not. They're not actually friends. Or, at least, they never have been before.

"I have one more question." He states, snapping her back to her task at hand. Well, not her task at the moment. But at least back to the present.

"Oh goodness."

"Hey." He quips, sticking his tongue out at her words. This is a side she's seen before, but always in a different capacity. It's playful. She has only ever seen it when he was pulling pranks. It makes her, as she always does with him, feel flustered. No, she feels frustrated. Usually. "Just wanted to know what you're doing for Christmas."

"Oh." She replies. "Just spending time here. Nothing major. Just me and Cece."

"Oh!" He clears his throat, a somewhat surprised look on his face. "Sounds lovely."

Her body tenses, wondering how much he might try to dig into that response, and truly hoping nothing more will be asked of her regarding the subject.

"Do you, umm, have any more questions for me?" He quickly changes the subject as he points to the recorder. She nods and reaches over to turn it back on, sitting in silence for a moment as she goes over her notes, also sneaking glimpses of Harry as he rubs his palms anxiously over his thighs.

She clears her throat and looks directly back up at him, smiling to regain the positive and professional atmosphere that was there at the beginning of the interview. He returns it with his own smile.

"Right, yeah." She begins. "Let's talk about the choice to cover Lizzo's song 'Juice' for the show. I was gutted that I had to miss it, so I need all the details."

•••

The holidays can be so bittersweet. Cassidy absolutely loves seeing the wonderment in Cecelia's eyes around this time of year, and each Christmas, though they've only had a few so far, has only gotten better and better. She's so excited to have her daughter at an age now where they can start sharing more experiences together, and maybe start some family traditions.

However, the bitter part comes about as Cassidy is reminded that it's just the two of them. Cecelia will never know what it's like to go over to her grandparents house, getting overly spoiled with presents and sugary treats. She doesn't get to experience her dad lifting her onto his shoulders so she can place the star on top of their tree. She doesn't get to have big family gatherings or holiday cards with both parents.

But then again, neither did Cassidy.

That's one of the reasons she would visit the Styles house every Christmas afternoon. She at least got a little taste of what that life was like, for them. With them. It was warm, and loving, and everything she wanted it to be. She has tried to recreate that for Cecelia, but she knows she can only do so much.

It makes her miss visiting with Anne and Gemma. They never missed an opportunity to include her in something. Usually it was some shenanigans to prank the boys. She sighs as she acknowledges how much she misses Robin, too. They always teamed up for one of their family games, and he would rave about how Anne gave him the most thoughtful gift. Every year.

But getting pregnant changed all of it. Cassidy doesn't regret having Cecelia, not even in the slightest, she just wishes she could give her more. More than her own parents ever did.

[ flashback - April 2016 ]

Cassidy feels as if she has just barely made it through her first trimester. Spending time at the Styles house seems to have helped keep her pregnancy hidden from her parents, but she isn't sure how much longer she can keep it secret.

"Darling, are you alright? You've barely eaten anything lately." Her mum states with concern, using the back of her hand against Cassidy's forehead to check her temperature.

She plays around with the food on her plate, resisting the urge to vomit at simply the sight of the cooked chicken. She looks over to her dad, who is passed out drunk on the sofa, and looks back to find her mum's concerned expression.

"I'm okay, Mum." She lies.

Her mum wraps her arms around Cassidy's shoulders, kneeling down next to her chair, and quickly glancing over to her husband before turning back to Cassidy.

"If something is wrong, you can tell me CJ. I'm your mum. I'm always here for you."

Cassidy glances over to her again, now seeing the concern has turned into compassion, and a mixture of emotions arise, not being helped by her heightened hormones. Tears start to form in her eyes and she leans into her mum's hold.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Cassidy would have responded with shock, or attempted to continue to cover up her secret, but all she can manage to do is grasp onto her mum and let some tears fall, making sure to stay quiet and not wake up her dad.

She finally nods and her mum pulls back to look her in the eyes.

"It's okay, darling, it's going to be okay."

They both look over to the sofa as they hear stirring.

"We'll talk later, alright? We'll figure this out."

•••

It's the first time, in a long time, that Cassidy has felt good being at home. Somewhat good. Her mum has truly been taking care of her over the past week, and she's so grateful for the help. She's grateful to not feel alone there anymore.

They both walk through the front door, smiling and chatting, after being at the store.

"S'bout damn time!" Her dad exclaims as they place the bags on the kitchen counter, the stench of whiskey looming off of him. "What took so fuck'n long?"

"We had to get a few extra things this time." Cassidy answers, saving her mum from having to do it.

"But we got your favourite beer!" Her mum adds, a way to get him in a better mood and minimize the chance of a drunken outburst. It doesn't always work, but it is always worth a try.

He grunts and rummages through one of the bags as Cassidy and her mum begin to unpack the others.

"What the hell is this?" He suddenly asks, and both women swivel around to see him holding up the bottle of prenatal vitamins they had purchased. They had forgotten that they were there. They forgot to hide them.

"Ya better not be fuck'n pregnant!" He shouts at her mum, his intense glare causing Cassidy's stomach to drop.

Her mum opens her mouth to reply, but her dad immediately moves closer and grabs her neck, pushing her against the wall.

"I'm…" her mum breathes out in a whisper. "I'm…"

"How's it possible? You're too old! And I got that… thing… are ya fuck'n someone else?"

"Dad, stop!" Cassidy yells, rushing over to grab the arm that had her mum pinned. "Stop!"

"Shut up!" He scolds, pushing Cassidy and causing her to stumble backwards into the refrigerator.

"Please…" Her mum pleads, grasping onto her husband's hands to release her.

"It's not her!" Cassidy shouts, grabbing his arm again to gain his full attention. "She's not the one who's pregnant! I am! I'm pregnant!"

His head shoots over to Cassidy, and somehow a small amount of relief arrives. At least his anger isn't fully focused on her mum. At least she can spare her from what he could've done.

"Ya little slut!" He yells, removing his arm from his wife's neck, but holding it on her chest to keep her pushed against the wall. "Can't even b'lieve someone would wanna fuck ya! But ya would be dumb enough to get knocked up!"

"Let Mum go! She was only trying to help me!"

"She what?" He looks back to the woman he has under his hold. He brings both hands up to her shoulders and firmly presses her further against the wall. "Ya fuck'n knew? Ya fuck'n knew and didn't tell me?"

Her mum's breath becomes shallow, still catching up from the hold he had on her neck. She flickers her eyes over to her daughter, and Cassidy's eyes widen in fear. She didn't even realize what she had said, and didn't mean to throw her mum under the bus.

"No, she didn't! She didn't know!" Cassidy attempts to catch the gaze of her dad once again. "I meant… I asked her to stay longer at the store. But I bought them. I bought the vitamins and snuck them in there!"

Thankfully, he turns his head back to Cassidy and stands up a little straighter, still keeping his hold on his wife. And thankfully, he seems drunk enough to believe her half-assed, stressed out explanation. The only upside to his constant drunken state is that he is fairly gullible most of the time. But it's not much of an upside.

"Get the fuck out." He growls, piercing his gaze into her.

"What?" She quietly replies, stunned.

"Get the fuck out!" He yells this time. "Didn't even want ya 'round when ya was born. Not fuck'n dealing with another little brat in my house!"

"But, dear-" Her mum tries to answer.

"Shut the fuck up." He snaps back, finally releasing her and pointing towards their daughter. "Tell 'er she needs to leave! And tell 'er she can't come back!"

Her mum looks over with the most terrified look. Cassidy knows it's not completely due to her husband's actions. She knows it's in fear of what could also happen to Cassidy and her future child. She also knows that it's one of apology for what will happen next.

"CJ…" She states with shaky breath. "I think… I think it's better if-"

"Dad, come on…" Cassidy pleads. Even knowing the environment she lives in, it's her home, and she can't currently think of where else to go, where else she can stay.

"Leave!" He shouts once more, finally pulling himself away from his wife and turning towards Cassidy. She takes a few steps back and he stops in place, now pointing towards the front door. "Get ya stuff and get out!"

Cassidy's mouth drops open in disbelief and looks over to her mum, only to see her head drop as low as it can go.

She moves slowly past her dad, holding her breath in worry that he could hurt her too. She rushes to her room and slams the door shut. Her knees hit the floor and her face falls into her hands, tears already pooling in her palms.

What the hell is she supposed to do now?

She lifts her head and scrambles to grab a bag, shoving in anything she can find to at least last her a few days away.

Maybe her dad will come to his senses and change his mind. Although, the thought crosses her mind of whether she would actually want to come back. She needs to be somewhere where she feels safe.

She takes her phone out of her pocket and opens her messages.

🗨️ Cassidy: can i stay the night? dad found out

🗨️ Cassidy: i'm getting kicked out

She places the phone on the bed, next to her bag, and grabs a few more items before zipping it up. Even without a response, she knows she has to leave the house, and soon.

As she throws the bag over her shoulder, her phone vibrates, and she unlocks the screen.

🗨️ Gemma: come over right now

She opens her bedroom door and walks through the house, finding her mum leaning against the kitchen counter, her face in her hands.

"Mum?" Cassidy whispers, and her mum raises her head. Cassidy's eyes widen as she sees the red handprint across her mother's cheek, and a bruise already forming around her neck. "I… I don't wanna leave you here."

"You need to go, CJ." Her mum responds, a blank expression on her face. Cassidy can't tell if her mum is trying to save her, or save herself. It could be both. It probably is both. She knows there isn't much that the woman can do, but the fact that she didn't fight for her to stay does sting. The fact that she is staying there, with that man, stings even more.

They embrace in a hug, whispering 'I love you' to each other before they hear footsteps getting closer, causing Cassidy to look one last time at her mum before rushing out the door.

As she walks down the footpath, making her way to her best friend's house as quickly as she can, all the tears she has inside come barreling out.

As she shuffles her way up the path to the Styles house, the door swings open and Cassidy finds Anne with her arms wide open.

"Oh, sweetheart!" She exclaims, pulling Cassidy in as soon as she reaches her. "Come on, we'll get you settled in."

"I'm… I'm so sorry to put you out…" Cassidy replies through her sniffles and labored breaths.

"CJ, you know you're welcome here anytime." Anne replies, taking the bag and setting it down by the door. "And you can stay as long as you need. This is your house now too."

[ present day - Christmas Day ]

As always, Christmas morning is quiet. As quiet as it can be with a child this age. But it is just the two of them. It has been that way since Cecilia was born. Cassidy doesn't miss her mornings with her parents, but she does miss the afternoons at the Styles home.

Especially now, with her daughter being three.

"Fank you Mummy!" Cecelia exclaims, running up to her mum, who sits on the living room floor, and tackles her with a hug. It never ceases to amaze Cassidy how grateful her daughter is. No matter what she receives, she treats it like the best gift in the world. She wishes she could give Cecelia more, but it melts her heart to see her daughter so happy either way.

Cassidy's phone begins to ring, so she grabs it from the floor beside her and answers it, putting it on speaker when she sees the name of the caller.

"Happy Christmas Gem!"

"Happy Chri'mas Gem!" Cecelia shouts.

"Happy Christmas ladies!" Gemma replies with a chuckle. "Cece, did Santa visit you?"

Cecelia rushes over to her small pile of toys, grabs one of her new favourites, and brings it to the phone.

"He got me dis!" She holds it up.

"Oh, lovie, I can't see it right now. I should've video called." She states, thankfully unable to see the pout on the little girl's face. "But… if your mummy wants… maybe you can show me later today?"

"Gemma!" Cassidy exclaims, immediately taking the phone off speaker, and getting up from the floor, in an attempt to make the call a little more private. "Don't do that. She'll think you're coming over."

"Actually…" She clears her throat. "We were hoping you'd come over here. Today."

Cassidy stands in place, not certain as to why that suggestion throws her off so much. It's not as if she hasn't been to the house lately. She still goes over often to visit, especially with Cecelia, but it hasn't been for a holiday, for Christmas specifically, since the one four years ago. The one after she and Harry had sex. The one right before he left on that yacht with Kendall Jenner. The one before Cassidy found out she was pregnant.

"Umm… well, it's-"

"We miss you on Christmas, CJ!" Her friend replies with a pleading tone. "We want you here. You know you're always welcome here. We've got presents. And Mum would love to see you two."

This isn't the first time her best friend has made the request for their presence on the holiday. The first year was just too difficult with a newborn baby. Cassidy spent the day nursing, napping whenever possible, and ordering pizza when she had a free moment to eat.

The next Christmas was just after Cecelia turned one, and the first without Robin. She knew deep down that she should be there, for everyone, but the emotions were so high that they kept her away.

It began to feel easier to stay home, just the two of them. It would be quiet, and simple, and not intruding on anyone else's holiday.

"I don't know."

"I hate to beg, but I will…" Gemma states.

Cassidy sighs and looks over to Cecelia, who has gone back to playing with her new toys. Maybe this is the opportunity to give her daughter the fun Christmas experience she hasn't been able to have yet. A fun Christmas with the Styles family, just like she used to have. Her one worry though is that Cecelia will expect it every year. That's not something that can be promised to continue. And she doesn't want her daughter to be disappointed if it doesn't.

Cecelia runs back up to her mum, tugging on her pyjama pants and forcing Cassidy to kneel.

"Mummy, can I show Gem dis today?" She asks with the most persuasive, wide eyes, holding up a set of new sparkly bangles. "I wan' give her one."

As a mum, in general she doesn't want to just give into every request, but the bright, hopeful expression of her daughter just can't seem to be ignored this time. Plus, she's not fully opposed to spending more time with Anne and Gemma.

"Please?" Gemma reiterates through the phone.

Cassidy now also wishes that Gemma had done a video call, because she would love to shoot her a scolding glare, and maybe a few specific hand gestures, at this moment.

"Alright you two. We can go over there." She concedes, causing a laugh from her friend and a squeal from her daughter.

"Come over whenever you want." Gemma states, smug joy clear in her voice.

"We'll see you soon…" Cassidy replies, quickly hanging up and watching as her daughter gathers up an armful of her new presents.

"I'm so e'cited! I ge' see Ms. Anne, Gem, Harry…"

There's a lump in her throat forming instantly at the mention of his name. The last Christmas spent at that house included him, and she has to admit that not being in his presence anymore, especially on the holiday, and especially with a child, could be a minor addition to the reason she stopped going.

But, nonetheless, she has been overruled. And with the sudden, random, and unexpected pleasantness between the two of them now, it could actually be a good time. She really hopes it'll be a good time.

•••

"My girls are here! Happy Christmas!" Anne exclaims as Cecelia runs right into her arms, lifting her up in her embrace.

"I got bangles!"

"Yes, you did! They are beautiful!"

Anne places Cecelia back on the ground, giving her the freedom to run over to Gemma and share one with her. It also gives Anne the ability to wrap Cassidy in a big hug, possibly squeezing every ounce of love she has into her.

"We've missed you, sweetheart." She whispers.

"Anne, we visit loads…" Cassidy replies with a chuckle.

"I know. But the holidays are different. It's not the same without you." She gives a small, sweet smile, quickly rubbing her hands up and down Cassidy's arms. She looks to her side and the small smile turns into a wide grin. "But, maybe I shouldn't complain. Harry hasn't won a family game in a few years!"

"Hey…" He whines as he walks up to both of them.

"Harry!" Cecelia suddenly yells, rushing over to him and hugging his legs. Cassidy would find it hard to believe how quickly she's taken to him, but her daughter is outgoing, and Harry can charm even the youngest of people. That doesn't stop it from being a bit weird for her to see.

"Cece! Happy Christmas!" He kneels down to give her a proper hug, which she curls herself into.

She pulls back and holds out her arm.

"I got bangles!" She exclaims again, most likely not for the last time either.

"Yes you did!" He replies, with as much enthusiasm as she gave. "And you know… I think there's one or two presents for you under our tree, too…"

"Come on, moonbeam. Let's take a look." Anne states, grabbing Cecelia's little hand.

"Moonbeam?" Harry inquires, looking as his mum turns back around to him.

"Yeah. She was born at night, like, right when the moon came out. It was really cool, honestly. So, the nickname just seemed to fit." Anne shrugs.

"How… how do you know when-"

"So, my boss really liked the article. Published it online almost right away actually. So, thank you for doing that." Cassidy interjects, gaining Harry's focus as the curious expression begins to fade from his face.

"Happy to help." He replies.

"Are you…" She clears her throat, looking down at the fingernails she suddenly finds herself picking at. "Are you happy to be home?"

"It's always good to come back when I can be." He softly admits. "I miss everyone, so it feels better when I am home."

"That makes sense." She replies, not that she can really understand that feeling. She never wanted to be home. "It's a good place to come back to."

Her gaze flickers up to find Harry's, once again seeing him try to disguise a smirk, along with a shy smile.

"Do you get to see your folks much? I know they moved away, and you said you just spend Christmas with Cece…" He asks with sincere curiosity, but it causes Cassidy's heart to drop.

He was never at her house when they were younger, and wasn't there when she needed to move into his childhood home, so he was never aware of what had gone on in that household she once had to call hers.

"Oh…" She begins, her mind racing and her heart following the frantic rhythm. "No, we don't."

"That's a shame."

"Mummy!" Cecelia exclaims, grabbing the attention of both her mum and the man she already seems so fond of. "Can we open?"

Cassidy sighs in relief, grateful for the perfect timing of the interruption, and nods as she looks back at Harry. He nods as well, motioning for her to lead the way to the sofa by the Christmas tree.

Cecelia sits down next to the tree, kicking her feet in giddiness, as Gemma hands her the first gift.

"This is from me and Michal." Gemma states, as the little girl vigorously tears the wrapping paper off. She holds up a box containing a little tea time playset.

"Fank you! Fank you!" She exclaims, putting it down next to her and looking at the tree again.

"Alright, little moonbeam. This one is from me." Anne stands as she hands over a pink gift bag.

Cecelia pulls out the tissue paper to find a crayon colouring kit, a great gift since she loves to draw.

"I can colour! Can I open it?" She asks, looking over to her mum with those persuasive, hopeful eyes.

"Umm, one moment Cece." Harry suddenly states, getting up from his position on the sofa and walking over to the tree. He reaches behind it, pulling out two wrapped boxes, and handing the larger one to Cecelia.

"Here you go."

She looks up at him, wide eyed, and begins to open it up. Her expression grows even more when she pulls out the stuffed animal she was gifted.

"It's a… it's a…"

"Brown bunny." Cassidy whispers, seemingly only loud enough for Harry to hear, as she sees his face turn towards hers with a small smile.

"It's just like my ol' one! Mummy look!" She exclaims, jumping up from the floor and rushing over to her mum. "I love 'im! I love 'im!"

As soon as she reaches the sofa, she jumps up in between the two adults, holding the bunny in one arm and grabbing Harry with the other.

"Fank you Harry!" She hugs him tighter and he shoots a glance over to Cassidy, wrapping his arms around the little girl who has unintentionally become so enamored with him. And who he seems to have unintentionally become so enamored by, too.

She giggles as she hops back off of the couch and shows off her new stuffed animal to the others.

Cassidy turns her attention away from her daughter as she hears Harry clear his throat, finding him holding the smaller box out towards her.

"This, umm, this is for you." He states softly, and maybe even nervously, as his gaze flickers between hers and the gift in his hands. "From me… and Gemma."

Her mouth drops open as she looks down at the box, raising her hand, what feels like slow motion. She places it in her lap and begins to delicately remove the wrapping.

She opens the box and gasps as it reveals a necklace. Dainty gold chain, adorned with an oval locket, a small 'C' engraved in the center . She quickly looks over to Harry.

"Open it." He whispers, shifting in his spot with anticipation.

She looks back down and gently pries it open, a few tears forming instantly as she sees two photos of her precious little girl. The one on the left is from the day Cecelia was born, a photo that Cassidy knows was taken by Anne. The one on the right is a more recent one, taken by Gemma on her third birthday.

"Gemma told me you've been wanting one, and she had the photos, so I guess it's not really from me at-"

"I love it, Harry. Thank you." She utters, running her thumb over both photos, as if to draw out positive emotions and the memories of both days. "Thank you so much."

She looks to see his gorgeously dimpled smirk, but doesn't detect any arrogance from it this time around. Yes, it looks like he is pleased with himself, but not for his own ego, and she suddenly feels heat rush over her entire body.

"You didn't have to do this." She states. "I didn't… I didn't get you anything."

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows hard, his brow furrowing slightly with his eyes still on hers.

"I wasn't expecting anything from you. I just… wanted to." He shrugs and runs his fingers through his hair. "Especially for Cece, she shouldn't go through life without another brown bunny!"

Cassidy laughs, quickly covering her mouth as she realizes the volume she used. No one seems to mind. Which she realizes is because everyone is comfortable as they are. Here. Together. Maybe this is how it should be from now on.

•••

With Cecelia down for her afternoon nap, sleeping in the guest bedroom, and Anne in the other room on the phone with some family members, the younger adults are all huddled in the living room with wine glasses in hand.

"It's a good thing you weren't here last night, CJ."

"Oh, cheers Gem, thanks." She replies, sticking her tongue out at her friend.

"No, no." Gemma chuckles. "Just 'cause you and Harry always win when you're on the same team! We've been winning since you stopped… coming…"

Her voice fades out and she gives an apologetic smile, to which Cassidy just shakes off. It wasn't their choice to not include her in their festivities anymore.

"I was just doing you a favor."

"Excuse me?" Harry chuckles, turning around to her on the sofa. "This was not discussed with your teammate. Just left me in the dust."

Cassidy gives a polite smile, subtly shooting Gemma an embarassed look, before turning her gaze back to Harry.

"So what you're saying is that I'm better than you?"

"What? No! What?"

The group laughs at his exaggerated defensiveness, clearly a small hit to his big ego, even in a comical manner.

"If you can't win without me, it means I'm the superior player." She smirks, seeing that she is instantly met with his scrunched face and tightly pursed lips.

He crosses his arms over his chest and sits back against the couch.

"I don't like this."

"That's because you're a sore loser." Gemma states, causing Harry to toss a pillow in her direction, hitting the wine glass in her hand and spilling a decent amount onto her.

"Oh shit!" He exclaims, covering his mouth with his fist. "I'm sorry."

She growls as she reaches for a few napkins on the coffee table, and begins to pat herself dry.

"See? A sore loser." She growls again, standing and maneuvering herself around the chairs. "You're just lucky this is white wine, and a black jumper."

"Gemma!" Cassidy suddenly states. "Is that jumper mine?"

Gemma looks down at her outfit, then back up to her friend with her lips pulled inward. Cassidy's mouth drops open slightly, hiding the smile that attempts to make an appearance.

"It is, isn't it?"

"I… well…" Her friend begins to fumble over her words with her own smile coming through.

"You thief! I've been looking for that for ages!"

"Not hard enough!" Gemma chuckles. "I found it right after you moved out of here!"

"Moved out?" Harry utters.

"Alright, since I love you, I'll let this slide." Cassidy laughs, shaking her head at her best friend and taking another sip from her own wine glass. "But I think you owe me a new one."

"What does she mean you moved out of here?" Harry asks, catching the attention of the two friends, whose eyes both go wide at each other before looking over to him. "When… when did you move in here?"

"It… it was, umm… when I got pregnant with Cece." Cassidy replies.

"What?!" He questions, running one hand through his hair, and then the other. "And I just… didn't know…?"

He looks up at her with something she could potentially mistake for sadness. He looks sad.

Why does he look so sad?

"It was just complicated." She responds, swallowing the lump that has suddenly appeared in her throat.

"You weren't here, Harry. Why does it matter?" Gemma adds, forgetting about the spilled wine and sitting back down in her seat across from them.

"It doesn't." He mumbles, looking over to Cassidy through the corners of his gaze. "It's just weird I didn't know."

"To be fair though, I'm pretty sure we mentioned it to you…" Gemma replies, crossing her arms against her chest and giving him one raised eyebrow, as if to strengthen her statement.

"What? When?" His eyes widen.

"When you were on set for 'Dunkirk'." She responds.

"Why don't I remember that?" His brow turns to a frown and he rubs the back of his neck.

"You were busy." Cassidy mumbles, causing Harry to shoot his gaze over to her, firmly keeping it on her face with an unreadable expression.

Anne comes walking back in and everyone straightens up, as if they were teenagers about to be caught making a sneaky plan. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to notice.

"Robin's niece, Amanda, just had her baby. Tonight!" She exclaims. She turns her gaze to Cassidy and smiles. "I could hear him screaming in the background. Not nearly as calm as Cece was that first day in hospital."

"You were there when Cece was born?" Harry asks Anne, subtly flickering his gaze between Cassidy and his mum.

"Of course." She simply states, making her way back to the chair she had previously occupied.

"For fucks sake." He mumbles, moving to rest his forearms on his knees and clasping his hands.

Anne turns to Gemma and begins a conversation about the new member in their extended family. Cassidy can see Harry picking at his fingernails and looks up to see his jaw clenching tight.

He lets out a strong exhale, pressing his palms against his knees and pushing himself up off the sofa.

"Excuse me." He states, brushing against Cassidy's legs as he makes his way out of the living and down the hallway.

Cassidy sits on the sofa, stunned, as she attempts to listen to the chatter between the others.

But the questions she suddenly has swirling around in her head seem to be louder than anything actually being spoken in that room.

Why does he care so much that he didn't know?

She decides to take a moment to herself and check in on Cecelia, so she gets up and walks towards the guest bedroom her daughter is sleeping in.

She cracks open the door, seeing her little girl still sound asleep, and quietly pulls it closed again. As she walks away, a figure in the other guest bedroom catches her eye, and she turns to see Harry sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows digging into his thighs, his hands clasped together, and his gaze fixated on the floor.

He looks sad. Again. Still.

Without her knowing, her body seems pulled into the room and over to him, watching as he sits up straighter and hearing him clear his throat.

"Hey." She utters, moving a few steps closer to him.

"Hi." He replies.

"What are you doing in here?"

He shrugs, and his posture returns to the one he was displaying before she entered the bedroom.

"I just, umm, needed a minute to myself."

She nods and turns around to head back out the door.

"Cass?" Harry's words halt her to a stop, and she swivels on her feet to face him again. He exhales and shakes his head, focusing his eyes back down to the floor. "Why… like…"

He exhales strongly again, and shoots her a quick glance.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Cassidy's body tenses and she sees his body do the same. He's really bothered by it?

She never told him because he didn't need to know. She never told him because, at first, she was embarrassed and ashamed, and wanted as little people to know as possible. Because she was terrified. Because he was busy living his megastar life and she didn't think he would even care to know. Because he had no reason to. Because they weren't even close, at all.

"Harry… I… it's just that…"

"I know you never saw us as friends, but… we, like, grew up together. I figured… I suppose I figured I'd at least know…"

"Well, Gemma said she did try to tell-"

"But you didn't." He interrupts. "You didn't tell me. Fuck… not even at the funeral."

A silence falls on them and both refuse to look at the other. Harry remains sitting, almost hunched over himself on the bed, as Cassidy stands there between him and the doorway, debating whether or not to just leave. However, his sad eyes encourage her to at least offer some sort of explanation. Especially with how kind he has been to her lately. And especially with how amazing he has been to Cecelia.

She saunters over and sits down next to him, her eyes focused on her fidgety fingers.

"Harry, you were starting your solo career, making a movie, then off writing and recording in Jamaica. Plus we…" She swallows the lump in her throat, her thoughts suddenly switching back to the argument they had before she found out she was pregnant. Before she even got pregnant. "We weren't really on speaking terms..."

"Oh. Right." He gives her a small smile as he stands. "You don't need to explain. I guess I just felt a little stupid for not knowing."

He looks right into her eyes, and she feels as if he is trying to read her mind, or have her read his. He gives her another quick smile and turns to walk out.

Cassidy's chest tightens and her hand suddenly reaches out to grab his wrist, causing Harry to stop and immediately twirl back around.

"They kicked me out." She mumbles, wondering if it was even loud enough for him to hear.

"What?"

She sighs, dropping her hand and feeling her heart race. This conversation was not expected. She didn't realize she was saying those words until they came out of her mouth. And she never thought they'd be spoken for him to hear.

"My parents." She clears her throat, trying to take the shakiness away. "They kicked me out when they found out I was pregnant."

He walks back to the bed and takes his seat on the edge again, flickering a few glances her way, but staying quiet.

"That's why I moved in here for a few months. Your mum and Robin helped me so much." She sighs. "They basically saved me."

"Why'd they kick you out?" He asks, a sincere compassion in his eyes as they gaze upon hers. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me."

She clears her throat, not entirely sure what to say, or how much to tell him. They aren't kids anymore, and although her parents are not exactly a subject that she purposefully brings up in conversation, it's also not something she should be so desperate to hide anymore.

"It's alright. My… umm… my dad didn't want another baby in the house. Like, he didn't want to deal with it. With me. With her." She sighs, giving a small shrug as she pulls her lips inward. "He was drunk and-... and kicked me out. I know you don't know this but he was, or is… I'm not sure anymore… but, he was an alcoholic."

She turns her head towards him, expecting a stunned expression splashed over his face, but is met with the sight of him nervously chewing on his lips.

"I, umm, actually did know that..."

"What? How?" Her eyes grow wide and her chest tightens more, not knowing if she should feel angry or embarrassed or relieved.

"Umm… well, I overheard Robin and my mum one night, when we were younger and you were sleeping over." He admits shyly, avoiding eye contact. "I heard them mention it."

"Shit." She mumbles, definitely feeling embarrassment as the leading emotion now.

"Wasn't gossip or anything. They were just worried about you."

Cassidy throws her face into her palms, her mind reeling from Harry's confession of knowing about her dad. And for a long time. Since they were kids.

And she hadn't known that he knew. She didn't even have the slightest clue. She would've expected some teasing, small remarks, or maybe even a cruel joke.

But he never said or did anything.

[ flashback - Sept 2012 ]

Just another day, just another argument, just another reason for Cassidy to run out of her house, grab her bike, and ride as far away as she can from the screaming match occuring inside.

Sure, she can drive away, and sometimes she does, but there's something about pushing the pedals around that makes her feel a little more in control, and a little more free. If she could fly away, she would, but this was the next best option.

She ends up where she usually does, at the Styles home, and she pumps the brakes of her bike on the footpath outside.

However, the comfort she usually feels there quickly dissipates as she sees the one other person who she usually wants to escape from. Harry. Of course.

He is sitting on the front steps, on the phone, and she rolls her eyes when he smirks as he sees her.

He says goodbye to whomever is on the end of the call and stands up, placing his phone in his pocket. Cassidy throws her leg over, off of her bike, and leans it on the kickstand.

"Gemma's not here." He states, as he makes his way closer.

"And why are you here?" She asks, already feeling the frustration build up and ready itself to give sarcastic responses to anything he throws her way. "Shouldn't you be off on some elaborate One Direction adventure across the ocean?"

"Here for a wedding, actually, and wanted to see the family." He glares a little, still keeping that mischievous smirk plastered on his face.

"Who's getting married?" She asks, idiotically assuming it is someone in the circle of people in town that she is familiar with.

"James Corden."

"Oh."

Of course it's a celebrity wedding.

"You know…" He takes a few more steps forward, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "If you want to go, I s'pose I could take you as my plus one."

She immediately scoffs at his arrogance. The way he assumes she even wants to go, and that she'd want to go with him, is ridiculous.

"I'm sure whatever supermodel girlfriend you've got hanging 'round right now would not appreciate that."

"You didn't say no…"

"No, Harry! Get over yourself! Bloody hell!"

"So… why are you over here then?" He asks, chuckling, as Cassidy feels her face get red from frustration.

"I needed to get out of my house 'cause-... I just needed to. So I came to see Gemma."

She accidentally lets out a small sniffle as she feels the tiny drop of moisture make its way down her cheek. She swiftly wipes it away. And then, she sees Harry's expression change to one with widened green eyes.

"Are you crying?" He asks.

Of course she is. Her dad just hurled a bottle of whiskey across the room, shattering it, and yelling at her mum for throwing away something that would be insignificant to anyone else. For just a second, she had the desire to tell the truth. To just let it all out to someone, even someone like him. But that desire only lasted for a second. Why would she ever tell him? He'd probably make her feel worse, or not even care. And why would he, when his life seems to be so glamorous and perfect?

"Piss off. I'm not crying, it's from the wind hitting my face while I was riding over here."

"Cass, I was just asking if, like, you're okay." He replies with a straightforward tone.

"Well…" She raises her hands to tie up her hair, then throws her leg back over the bike and grabs the handles. "I'm fine."

[ present day - Christmas Day ]

"Cass?" Harry states softly, most likely shifting in his seat by the way she can feel the mattress moving. His gentle tone brings her back from the random memory of that random day. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's not a big deal, Harry."

"Well, it's not right that he kicked you out of the one place you should've been able to live." He remarks, a harsh tone coating his words sternly. If she wasn't so emotional, she'd allow herself to actually feel the admiration that's arising at the fact that he seems so protective.

"I wouldn't have wanted to have raised her there anyway." She suddenly utters, her head still whirling from the reminder of her past. Technically their past, since he was, unknowingly, there for it.

"What do you mean? Why?"

"Oh… umm… it's just… it's just that…"

"Sorry. It's none of my business."

"It's okay. It's just that my dad would…" She takes as deep of a breath as possible, considering how shaky they are becoming. "He was always drunk. Always. And… he would… would hit my mum."

"What?" He states between gritted teeth. She isn't sure if she's ever seen Harry that mad before. Not even during their little arguments, way back when. "Did… did he ever… did he ever hit you, too?"

Her throat becomes dry as she swallows the lump that stubbornly won't go away.

"No. I… I got pushed a few times." Anger at the memories, and the fact that she even had to make a statement like that in the first place, begins to boil. Rage is probably a better term.

As happy as she was to get out of that situation, she is furious that scenario even played out in her life. It's actually tragic that the two people who were supposed to love and protect her were actually the ones who did the exact opposite. The ones who made her feel unwanted and unsafe.

Her dad made her life a living hell. No child should see their mum being smacked or punched for no reason except the abundance of alcohol in the other parent's system. No child should experience the fear of what their parents could manage to do to them.

"Cass…"

He stops speaking and as she looks over to him, his eyes burn their empathetic gaze right into hers. A sad whimper unintentionally comes from her throat and tears begin to fall as she shuts her eyes.

Instantly, his palms are on her shoulders and her eyes shoot open again to see concern in his eyes. She immediately feels her chest rising and falling quickly, tightening with each labored breath.

"You're alright. Breathe. Inhale and exhale, yeah?" He states softly, with such comfort. It's most likely due to all of the emotions in the moment, she's assuming, but Cassidy can not remember a time that she's felt that safe with him, or ever. But, again, emotions are high.

She nods, staring into his beautiful green eyes and mimicking his movements as he takes in a deep breath with her, then lets it out. He slowly follows that rhythm as his hands glide up and down her arms.

His eyes stay fixed on hers, not wavering for a second, filled with compassion, concern, and care. She is baffled by how different things are now, and how different he seems to be now too.

"That's better…" He utters, keeping his tone calm and steady. "How do you feel?"

She nods, her mind and body still catching up.

"Stupid question, yeah?"

Cassidy gives him a quick, polite smile, but as her head drops, so do her tears. A lot of tears. She immediately feels his strong muscled arms around her, drawing her into his chest.

"I'm so sorry you were going through that." He consoles her.

"It's alright. It's not a big deal." She manages to utter. "Not anymore at least. I haven't seen them since they kicked me out."

[ flashback - Aug 2016 ]

"Mum, you don't have to do this." Cassidy paces around her living room, rubbing her growing belly, with her phone pressed tightly against her ear. "You don't have to leave."

She hears a sigh on the other end of the line, and her chest tightens. She feels as if her attempts are futile. They always have been.

"CJ, he's my husband. He supports me-"

"He beats you!" Cassidy yells, immediately throwing her hand over her mouth.

"He's… he's gotten better…" Her mum replies, but her voice lacks anything that could convince her daughter that there is any truth behind her statement.

"Mum, please… please don't move away with him. I'm getting my own place, it's small but maybe you-… I need you and I can't…" She chokes back the cries that want to burst out, wanting to be strong and show her mum the sincere plea behind her words. "I can't help you if you're gone."

Her body drops to the couch as her heart begins to break. She knows that the word 'gone' really has two different meanings, and she cannot fathom the thought of it being the more tragic one.

She also knows that this move would truly cut off all contact between them. Since her dad kicked her out, he has kept a tight watch on her mum's movements, and they've only managed to sneak in a few phone calls here and there. Moving away would destroy that last connection they have. Her mum will be lost to her.

"I'll be alright, CJ. It'll all be alright."

[ present day - Christmas Day ]

"Don't-... please don't do that." He pleads, and she feels him bring her just a little bit closer. Into his body and also back to the present again. "Please don't say it's alright. What he was doing wasn't alright."

"I… I know." She replies, and she hears his sigh coming from where his head rests on top of hers.

She never thought she'd be here, telling Harry about her past, and being comforted by him about it. The emotions are definitely getting the best of her. He's managing to get the best of her. Maybe. And at the moment, she is willing to allow it to happen. It's been a long time since she's talked about any of this. She didn't realize that she had been needing to get it all out. Even if it is to the one person she never thought she'd share it with.

"I feel so stupid. How did I not see it?"

"Because I did my best to hide it. It was something I really didn't want anyone to know. At all. Gemma only knew because, well, she's my best friend, and because she was there once when it happened…" She sighs, squeezing her eyes shut firmer as if opening them would take her back to those horrible moments. "She told Robin and Anne, understandably, and they said they'd let me over anytime I needed to. It's why I slept over so often."

"I really wish I had known. I could've helped you…"

"There wasn't anything you could've done, Harry, especially not back then. And it wasn't your job to help anyway. We weren't even friends at the time."

"At the time?"

"What?"

"You just said we weren't friends 'at the time'. Does that mean we're friends now? Or, I mean, can we… be friends now?" His question is full of hope, even though he looks as if he is preparing for rejection. Again. As she takes a moment to consider it all, she watches as a small, cheeky smirk appears as a replacement. "It could be your Christmas gift to me…"

Suddenly, the small, but demanding, voice of Cecelia bursts out from the other bedroom, instantly catching the attention of the two of them. Cassidy gives Harry an apologetic smile as she begins to stand.

He shoots up from the bed, facing her as they both seem to refuse to simply break away from the vulnerable moment they have just been in. Another call from Cecelia booms through the hallway and as Cassidy turns towards the doorway, she lets out a sigh. She doesn't even know why. It's not as if the moment, or conversation, was in any way positive to the point that she wouldn't want to leave. But somehow it felt nice. And maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that the two of them seem to finally be able to tolerate being in each other's presence. Maybe, just maybe, they can hang out like he used to ask for. She knows for a fact that Cecelia would not oppose. And that's just it. Cassidy wants her daughter to be surrounded by good people, which Harry seems to be now.

"Yes. We can be friends now. Happy Christmas."

Series Masterlist

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[queen-of-deans-booty]

Halt & Catch Fire: Part Three

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: canon angst and violence, extra angst

Summary: You're done being a puppet in their plans. You're done letting them control you. You're finally going to take back your life by becoming something you didn't know was possible. your eyes are opened to something better and God forbid anyone who disrespects you.

Season Ten Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. I love seeing any and all comments <3

x

"Are we going to pretend that I didn't hear what she said back there?" Dean says.

He follows you outside so that you two can have some kind of privacy.

"What she said?" you ask, trying to play dumb when you know it's not going to work.

"Y/N don't fuck with me. Leah wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true. Is it true? Were you pregnant?"

There's no point in hiding it now.

"I wanted you to hear it from me," you cry. "I found out a couple of weeks ago. I made Castiel get rid of it."

"You did what?" he says in a low and dark tone. 

That means he is beyond pissed.

"We agreed to not raise a child in this life, Dean. I thought this is what we both wanted!"

"You didn't think to tell me any of this?" he finally yells. "Did you even care what I want?"

"Of course, Dean, but we talked about it! How can we raise a child in this life together right now? With Lucifer? Michael? Amara? The apocalypse?"

"It doesn't matter what we discussed, Y/N! You got pregnant and you killed it! Without even thinking of me! What, did you think I was never going to find out? Does Sam know?"

"Yes," you whisper.

"Oh great, everyone knew but me. I'm so glad you decided to hide this from me. You're supposed to be my family, Y/N!"

"Dean, I am. This decision has been eating me alive. I panicked. I didn't know what to do."

"Not killing the baby would have been step one! That was my child!" he screams.

"Dean, please, I'm so sorry," you cry.

"Leave me alone," he shakes his head.

"Dean, please stay, and let's talk about this."

"I can't even look at you right now," he gets into his car angrily. 

He starts her up and peels out of the parking lot in a screech of tires. Your whole world comes crashing down around you, and your knees buckle from the weight. Arms wrap around your body to keep you from falling, and you turn in his arms to bury your head in Sam's chest.

"He hates me," you sob.

"You know, I had another dream of Amara," you say shakily.

You're trying really hard not to cry right now.

"Oh yeah? What about?"

"She told me that our daughter is going to be a witch." You clear your throat noisily. "She said that she doesn't know when our daughter will get her powers because it's different for everyone, I guess. It took me until I was twenty-six to discover mine, so hers can be at any age."

"Well, she'll have a great teacher to learn from," he chuckles.

Tears build up in your eyes, and only two of them fall before you sniffle, signaling to Dean that you are crying.

"I just want to say something," your voice cracks. "My due date is in a month, and I don't know where we stand or if we will get better, but just know that I'm okay. I'll be fine. We can raise her together because she deserves both of her parents in her life, and I don't want to take that away from her."

You're full-on crying now, and it's the kind of crying that breaks Dean's heart. You want to be fine but he knows you aren't, and that is what breaks his heart.

"I don't want to start anything, but as long as Lisa is in the picture, then we can't be anything more than parents." You pause to try and calm yourself but it doesn't work. "I miss you, Dean, like a lot, but I can't make you choose between Lisa--I won't. I just hope you make the right decision here because this is getting to be too damn hard for me."

He really misses you too, and he thinks it's time to have the talk with Lisa. There is something that is keeping him tied to you, and he needs to man up and do something about it or else you will be gone forever. 

However, that's the thing... he knows you won't. He's not being fair to you, and he has to man up before you realize that you don't actually need him in your life. The day you realize that is the day his world will stop.

"Y/N Singer and Dean Winchester come together today to join in marriage. I'll keep this short. I hear you two are saying your own vows?"

"Yes," you grin.

The minister backs away slightly, giving you the floor.

"I fell in love with you at age fourteen when we were on a hunt and I got hurt badly. You took care of me, and I suddenly couldn't picture a future without you in it. Even at fourteen, I knew that one day I'd be marrying you and having your children. There have been low-lows, but they don't matter anymore because I have you and you have me. I can hunt for the rest of my life, but the real adventure is getting to be your wife. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know we're going to do it together."

You can see tears in his eyes at your words.

"I was never a kid. I never stopped to think about what I was going to do the week after or even a month after. I always thought about the here and now because I couldn't afford to think about anything else. Then you came along, and I allowed myself to care about what I wore, what I said, and how it affected you. You've always been there for me even when I didn't see it, and for that, I love you so much. You gave me everything I stopped believing in. You gave me Joanna and your love and a future. Suddenly, my future doesn't look as bloody as it was before. I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but it's going to be easier with you by my side for the rest of my life."

You're crying from the impact of his words. You grab Dean's hand and try to stop the tears from falling.

"Do you, Dean Winchester, take Y/N Singer to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," he says.

He takes your engagement ring and slides it onto your left ring finger, and you admire how it shines brightly as if it were meant to be there.

"Do you, Y/N Singer, take Dean Winchester to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," you sniffle.

You take out John Winchester's wedding ring and slide it onto Dean's left ring finger.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Dean pulls you in by your waist, and you meet him halfway. Your lips mold together, fitting perfectly together.

Dean finally managed to get to your room after calming down. Joanna is still with the social worker because he does not want her to see you after you get the news you will never hold your son. You're just waking up from surgery and notice Dean closes the door right behind him.

"Hey, what happened?" you panic slightly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired, but okay. What happened?"

"You fell and hit your head on the side of the laundry machine. Sweetheart, you had a brain bleed. You were taken into surgery, and you're going to be just fine. Your magic healed you of the injury, and they expect you to go home in a few days."

As he is explaining, you're looking around the room in confusion. Your hand immediately goes to your stomach, and you gasp when you don't feel your children inside.

"Where's our kids? Joanna?"

"Joanna is with a social worker. She is just fine. Maryann--"

"Please tell me our baby girl's okay," you whimper.

"She is in the NICU right now. She is on a ventilator, so they're going to keep her here for two months. They want to monitor her progress, but the doctor says that she's very healthy for her age. She's going to be okay."

"And our son?" A fresh wave of tears comes for Dean, and the second you see the water in his eyes, you shake your head in denial. "No. Do not tell me anything but he's okay. Please, Dean, tell me our son is okay."

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

His words flow out of his mouth but you're not hearing what he has to say. After letting it sink in that you're never going to hold him and make memories with him, you tip your head back and just sob. Dean scoots closer to your bed and grabs your hand, leaning in to hold you close.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

You grab the soap and run it along his body, getting every inch available to you. You run the washcloth over his right arm and he flinches when it touches the Mark.

"This power... makes me nervous. I'm so fucking scared that it's going to consume me. I've always been an angry guy but this is different. It's like it's amplifying that part of me. I'm trying so fucking hard not to let it affect you and the kids, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to control it. I'm scared I'll end up hurting you or the kids."

"I'm scared, too. When I touched the First Blade for the first time, it was like my whole body was consumed by my magic. It felt like a dark part of me opened up at that moment. I didn't like how it felt."

"You know, when you touched the blade, I saw red. I don't know if it was all in my mind, but your magic turned red for a split second."

"That's what I'm talking about. That power was dark and chaotic and messy and it scared me. I'm terrified that harnessing that kind of power is gonna get someone killed."

"We'll get through this together."

"Yeah, I know we will. I love you."

"I love you."

If Dean wasn't in a library full of students, he would be crying. You two have been through so much together and you're throwing it all down the drain. For what? How can he save you after all this? What's going to happen when you get your soul and remember what you've done to him? Will you two ever catch a fucking break?"

"Dean," Sam says and shakes his shoulder.

Dean peels his eyes away from you and notices Janet is gone.

"Sorry," Dean whispers.

The junkyard is where you three are headed next. Joey's car is inside the junkyard waiting to be broken down for parts. It hasn't yet which is a good thing because it can be burned. Sam and Dean walk ahead of you so you pick at the device in your neck without them noticing.

You know the life you and Dean have shared together. You know what you've meant to him but you couldn't care less about it. All emotional ties to Dean have been severed. He keeps acting like you're going to wake up one day and all those feelings are going to come rushing back. Guess what? They're not. They're gone as long as you don't have a soul. If and when you get reunited with your soul, what's going to happen when you start to remember all the horrible things you've done? Think Dean is going to be enough to bring you back?

You guess you'll see when you cross that bridge.

"Alright, so we're looking for something that used to resemble a pickup truck," Sam says. He shines his flashlight at the different cars before coming to one that has the license plate SEMPERF on it. "Here it is."

On the front seat is this icky gooey substance you're sure is not oil.

"I'm guessing that ain't oil," you say.

"It's ectoplasm."

Sam takes out his EMF reader and watches as it lights up like a Christmas tree.

"Look at this. Joey?"

"Looks like it. So, big brother didn't get along with little brother and was pissed that he was driving his baby. I get it."

"What are you saying? If you died and I drove your car, you'd kill me?"

"If you stunk her up with taquitos, probably. Alright, let's do this."

Sam and Dean perform the usual: Salt, kerosene, and a lighter. You stay for a bit to get warm by the truck fire before leaving with the brothers. Hunt solved, right?

Wrong.

x

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