#and i regret it now and i’ve changed so much as a person but idk if i’d ever want to try to reach out to them again

[transmage]

rediscovered my old tf rp blog and the nostalgia is borderline painful

[4urvalidation]

NOT ANOTHER ROCKSTAR

Thank you Maisie Peters for the song. And inspiration.

PAIRING: rockstar au!rafe x rockstar!reader/character

TROPES: semi smau first pov, enemies to lovers, jukebox fanfiction (it's like a jukebox musical, but no one is doing the singing!), mean!rafe, bitchy!reader, reader and rafe simultaneously write angry love songs about one another, angry love confession (probably), multiple revenge plots, reader has self-destructive tendencies...

TRIGGER WARNINGS: excessive mention of drug/alcohol use; graphic sexual content; toxic relationships; abusive family dynamics *cough* ward being father of the year *cough*;

A/N: Much like my previous idea, this will also remain on the shelf until my current work - A Case of Limerence - is finished. I had to get this out of my system because a) it's been on my mind and because b) I wanted to give you guys something to look forward to idk 🤷🏼‍♀️Let me know what you think. And as always, thank you for the support. Love u ✨

SUMMARY: When Rafe Cameron found me singing in a seedy pub in North London and offered me the deal of a lifetime: to open for his band, Kildare, during their European tour, I thought I had hit the jackpot. When his father, Ward Cameron offered me that recording deal, I was in such disbelief I almost fainted. Cameron Records was known for making stars and I had wanted to see my name in lights for as long as I can remember. Little did I know, I’d soon be signing away my life and crushing all my childhood dreams in the process. 

First they stripped me off my identity. Sure, they loved my crooked smile and thick south London accent. They liked that I could play an instrument and write my own songs. But there always came a but. And their but came with the fact that despite all my talent and charisma, I was still so very unlikeable. Apparently the American market wouldn’t be able to stomach me. I was too gritty, too edgy. A cloud of rain in a field of daisies or something of the sort and I was so desperate for it all - I let them change me. 

Change my hair, change my clothes; change my upbringing, the way I spoke, ate and slept. They wanted to change my teeth as well - replace them with pearly white veneers that would’ve made me look like a Hollywood puppet, but I told them no. It was the only thing I said no to and for some strange reason they accepted it. Probably because I had said yes to so many of their ultimatums. 

They never let me sing my songs. Or play my guitar. They taught me quirky choreography and whisper singing. Had me pretend to date a closeted actor and advertise things I would never use. On the internet people from my old school would talk about how much I’ve changed. How they remembered me as someone alive. Fun. Cool. Now all I did was wear frilly pink tops and sang about being topped. 

Fame was lovely, fame was everything, but I had missed my old bandmates that hated each other and drinking beer and screaming the fuck out of the songs I spent countless of sleepless nights writing. I wanted something of my own. Something that I would one day be proud to call mine. 

How silly of me to think that he’d understand. He of all people - Rafe bloody Cameron, the heir of Cameron Records. What did he know about struggling? About the art of being a starving artist? I regret confiding in him. I regret letting him kiss me. I regret thinking that he was my friend. That he was looking out for me. 

How silly. 

How naive. 

How fucking stupid. 

The truth is Rafe Cameron doesn’t care. He only looks out for one person and person only and that happens to be the one sharing his name and face. The others are just pawns in the multiple games he’s constantly playing. And I happened to be one of them. 

On the night he was too fucked up to play; the very same when he broke his bandmates the news that this show would be their last one, I took the stage. Fueled by anger and betrayal I stood before that crowd with nothing but my guitar in hand and what remained of Kildare. 

The boys shared my feelings. After all, they were being dropped by the label as well. So, when I told them I wanted to play an original song; the one I wrote on the night Rafe shoved that giant knife in my back, they let me. 

They were sceptical of course, but they let me.

“Hand me down jewels and your dirty blonde hair

I think you're so cool and different and then

The law pulls up and you won't get in the car

And I'm like, "Oh, goddamn, not another rockstar"

I didn’t mean for the video to go viral. 

I also didn’t mean for the way it’d have the internet in a complete and utter chokehold. Gossip sites and blind item blogs were churning out content like it was their last night on earth. Twitter was in the middle of a fan war. My inbox was full of death threats. Rafe was being sent to rehab and Ward… 

Ward Cameron had a couple of words to share with me. Both in private and in public and I - being the idiot rebel that I’ve always been - couldn’t comprehend why this silly little song of mine had gotten all their knickers in such a twist.

“It’s about the things you were insinuating. Private things. Hidden things.” He told me through gritted teeth and I immediately knew what he meant. Being in Rafe’s circle for years had indirectly made me privy to all of his extracurricular activities. 

Yes - he was this notorious rockstar with a herd of groupies and list of model girlfriends but he also happened to be from a good family. A rich family. Old money. Blood money. A family with a squeaky clean reputation and a saint of a dead mother. 

“You are done in this industry, you hear me? Pack your bags and move back to whatever hole you crawled out of back in London, because you will never work in this town ever again.” 

It was a threat. 

A big scary threat that had me practically homeless and crying for days. 

Until I got the call. 

After that, Ward Cameron’s threat started to sound a lot like a challenge. 

[conundrumoftime]

Whether TROP Sauron is repentant or not, some thoughts

(This is the short(ish) version, since I keep meaning to write about this in a more detailed and thoughtful way and then real life keeps interfering. SIGH. But I would like to put my thoughts down somewhere and so here we are.)

So my feelings on this are:

no, he isn't;

I do think he is genuinely regretful but I do not think this is the same as being genuinely repentant;

because while definitions differ, 'repentance' as a concept usually exists within moral or religious frameworks that assign it more weight than simply 'feeling bad' - it is feeling bad associated with a will to change and the actions following that will;

& 'change' in these frameworks does not mean 'promise not to do the bad thing again', it means 'work to become the sort of person who would not do the bad thing again';

and the way you do this, in a lot of philosophical/religious approaches and as Diarmid spells out in TROP, is to do good things until goodness becomes a habit;

Diarmid talking to Sauron in s2ep1:

S: I’ve done evil. D: All of us have done things that we care not to admit. S: Not like I have. D: Find forgiveness. You are alive because you have chosen good. S: But what of tomorrow? D: You have to choose it again. And the next day, and the next. Until it becomes a part of your nature.

eg Aristotle in The Nichomachean Ethics: "Virtue, then, is of two sorts, virtue of thought and virtue of character. Virtue of thought arises and grows mostly from teaching; that is why it needs experience and time. Virtue of character [i.e., of êthos] results from habit [ethos]"

eg the Muppet chorus in Muppet Christmas Carol underlining how Scrooge is not just doing bad things because he's bad but making himself more of a bad person by the habit of repeatedly doing bad things: "If being mean's a way of life you practice and rehearse / Then all that work is paying off, 'cause Scrooge is getting worse"

I do think TROP Sauron feels bad - there's no suggestion in the show that he was deliberately trying to deceive Diarmid or that his tears when no other character is watching him are not genuine. It is harder to say how much is self-pity vs pity for anyone else; but it feels reasonable to say "he does not consider what he has done to be a success by his own terms and he wishes he had not done it", and whether he is sorry for killing Finrod because Finrod didn't deserve to die, or because it's ruined his chance to get Galadriel on side now, or because that whole episode made Morgoth angry with him, he is still to some degree sorry about it, regrets it, wishes it had not happened the way it happened;

idk what Tolkien specifically thought on this particular issue but, point to note is that in Catholic theology you don't have to be sorry for all the right reasons & 'imperfect contrition' can still get you some of the way, as long as what it leads you to is a sincere effort at repentance;

but no matter how thorough the 'sorry', 'sorry' itself as an internal state of regret and sorrow is not enough without being willing to take the actions to become different that Diarmid spells out to him; the important thing is not 'did he feel bad' or even 'did he feel bad for the right reasons', it's 'did the feeling-bad lead him to doing anything substantial about the kind of person he was making himself into through habit';

eg Maimonides defined true repentance as when someone has the opportunity to do the bad thing again and doesn't, and not because they're afraid of consequences but because they're no longer the kind of person who would make that decision;

eg Tolkien's friend CS Lewis in The Screwtape Letters, where a devil is speaking about a human who regrets something: "The great thing is to prevent his doing anything. As long as he does not convert it into action, it does not matter how much he thinks about this new repentance. Let the little brute wallow in it [...] No amount of piety in his imagination and affections will harm us if we can keep it out of his will";

what TROP Sauron (and canon Sauron very arguably, although the framing device of what's said about him being written by other narrators about him and there being disagreement already in that text about whether he was genuine in what he offered Eonwe or not makes it more complex) does is different to just not feeling bad;

he does want to be forgiven;

but he is not willing to do that by anything that would challenge his view of himself as the excellent, the admirable, the one Maia who can fix all Morgoth's damage and produce a healed shining perfectly-functioning Middle-earth to cancel out his role in wrecking it;

and in that light he is willing to do whatever it takes to get to his shiny-healed-perfectly-efficient-Middle-earth-with-him-in-charge result, however brutal, however many die, because the end justifies the means;

but the issue with that is that it means consistently choosing to do bad and brutal thing in the hope that you're somehow a good enough smith/king/whatever to 'buy' the forgiveness you seek;

which will undermine any end you have in mind;

and turn you into, well: Third Age Sauron.

(also: I have Many Thoughts on what it says about TROP Sauron that he sees both Middle-earth and himself as being harmed by Morgoth and the idea of healing and how he sees his own role in the Morgoth era - does he regret following Morgoth? to what extent? - and I have played around with that idea in my fic and will probably do so more in the future but it's too tangled and too lengthy to get into here so I'm just throwing that in at the end.)

[boyswillbebuggsorsomething]

I Love You More Than Words Can Say (chapter 1)

Bucky Barnes x M!Reader

Summary: Having recently returned from the war, Bucky finds himself struggling to readjust to civilian life while coping with the trauma he was left with. So, when it all becomes too much, he ends up attempting to find solace in the bottom of the bottle, that is until he meets a strange man who just might make everything hurt a little bit less. 

Warnings/Content: No Avengers/they’re all regular people AU?, 1940s era typical homophobia (internal & external), heavily inspired by the Joshua & Jericho album by The Reverent Marigold (more specifically Johnny Turn Away, where I stole the name for this from, and Good Protestant Values), religious themes/imagery, unhealthy coping mechanisms, possibly out of character (I’ve never written for any Marvel character before, definitely not Bucky, and definitely not in any AU), reader has hair that would be considered long for a man in the 40s, historical stuff written by someone who hasn’t taken anything beyond a tenth grade history course, survivors guilt, PTSD, drinking as a one off way to forget, Steve is mentioned, switches between third person (Bucky) and second person (reader) perspectives, reader is from a family of some Christian denomination, possibly incorrectly used 40s slang

A/N: So I’ve been on a bit of a Marvel kick right now, and so now we get to witness the lovely thing of me writing incredibly self indulgent fics based on music I feel in my bones. Anyways, this is my first ever time writing Bucky, and since it is an AU without all the Winter Soldier stuff, I took some creative liberties with his personality & demeanor I guess, but idk, I adore the idea for this so I had to write it. This is also crossposted on AO3, so if you see it there it is not stolen.

Word Count: 1261

…

War changed people. 

As sure as the sun would rise and the wind would blow, war would change even the best of men. Bucky was no different. Of course, there was no expectation for the horrors of war to have no effect on him, he knew what he was signing up for, but there always is that lovely cognitive dissonance between enlisting and going into active combat that painted a sheer wash of courage and glimmering hope across even the most dire situations the mind could conjure. And so when the war was won and Bucky had found himself back in New York, he was left with a mind in shambles and the title of war hero, one that at times felt like it was mocking him for all the lives he could never save. He didn’t regret all he did, of course not, he’d done a great deal of good in the grand scheme of things, but that reminder didn’t make him feel any less like his hands were permanently stained red with gore. He was no longer the man he was before he had gone off to fight, and a horrible guilt settled beneath his ribs for that fact, especially when he saw that Steve had remained so entirely good, still the same man he had always been, while Bucky was left with a gaping void where his heart had once held that true innocence and purity. 

So, he found himself seeking solace in the only thing that was ensured to stop the memories from resurfacing, for at least a little while. The whiskey clutched in his hand had long since begun to warm, leaving it watered down and room temperature. Each burning gulp turned his stomach and left his head spinning in a foul way, not in any way reminiscent of the loving embrace of oblivion he so craved, which paired with the horrible musty stench of alcohol and despair filling the dingy old bar, an establishment he had only chosen as to ensure he would not be recognized, left him feeling separate from his body, yet simultaneously horribly nauseous. The soft sound of metal brushing metal filled his ears as he ran his fingers absently over his dog tags. With each breath he took, the rickety barstool he had made his perch upon creaked and whined obnoxiously, though he had nothing left in him to care. 

Bucky sat in that horrible creaky seat, unmoving and wholly disinterested in the world around him until his glazed over eyes caught sight of a strange man making his way up to the bar. His hair was wild, left to grow long and untamed, framing his sickly face like the portraits you’d find in an art museum, Ophelia born again in the form of a perfectly, beautifully tragic young man. Peaking out beneath his raggedy button up was a crucifix, perfect gilded purity glinting in the dim lights of the bar. It seemed to be the only well cared for aspect of the man’s appearance. As the stranger slumped onto the stool beside him, Bucky turned his gaze away so as to not be caught staring like some sort of judgemental creep. Through the corner of his eye though, he watched, entranced by this strange young man. 

“Just get me whatever’s strongest,” the stranger spoke softly as he placed some crumpled up bills on the surface of the bar, voice melodic despite its strained hoarseness, “please.” The word was a roughly tacked on addition, spoken quieter than the man’s other words. 

The sentiment was something Bucky had to come to know well in his time since the war. Not in the intimate way one who is dependent on drink to get through the day is, more like friends who come together only in times of dire need who otherwise do not speak. He wondered for a moment if it was the same for the stranger, or if he frequented these establishments as though they were a second home.

When the bartender slid over a glass of amber coloured liquid, Bucky watched as the man sipped it gingerly before downing it all, exhaling sharply when he had drunk it down. The stranger caught his gaze, and despite his efforts to seem like he wasn’t just staring, he knew it was fruitless when the man spoke.

“Y’know, it’s rude to stare,” the stranger murmured, tensing his fingers slightly around his cup.

“I wasn’t staring, per say,” Bucky attempted the kind of confident smile that had once made its home on his face each day, “I was just taking note of the only interesting person here.”

“I ain’t interesting,” he scoffed

“Sure you are. Especially compared to anyone else in this damned place,” Bucky gestured at the bar, filled with few other patrons, most slumped over and barely conscious in their drunken stupor.

“Still doesn’t make me interesting,” Despite his words, a small smile tugged at the man’s lips.

“Well, I couldn’t possibly know that without getting to know you.”

 It was strange, the way Bucky found himself slipping so easily into this bantering attitude with the man. Perhaps it was the whiskey lowering his inhibitions and peeling away the stress that had clung to him like a second skin, though there was something more reminiscent of the attitude he had used on girls before the war in the way he found himself acting with the stranger.

A grin broke out on the strange man’s face, “Okay, casanova.”

“Let me introduce myself properly, so you don’t think I’m just some creeper who spends his days staring at strangers,” Bucky held his hand out casually as he turned to face the man in a more one on one fashion, “James Buchanan Barnes, pleasure to meet you. And you are?”

The stranger introduced himself, delicately shaking Bucky’s hand before speaking once more, “So, James, what’s got you in a place like this? You seem quite a bit too respectable to be spendin’ your time here.”

It was then that the man’s eyes caught on the glinting metal of Bucky’s dog tags hanging out of his shirt, and he simply nodded in understanding, “Tryna forget?”

“Something like that.”

“Makes sense. Seems to be just about the only option to deal with anything now.”

“Were you enlisted?”

“Briefly.” The way his posture tensed and eyes darkened made Bucky choke back any further questions.

“Alright then, what are you doing here?” 

“Just trying to get my mind to stop running in circles. And what better way to do that than drinking yourself half to death?” The man huffed a small laugh at his own self deprecating joke.

“Well I could definitely drink to that,” Bucky chuckled, halfheartedly lifting up his glass before taking a long sip.

A silence, not entirely uncomfortable but a silence nonetheless fell over the two as they drank together in a newfound state of solidarity one can only find with a stranger in the depths of night. Bucky, rather surprisingly, found himself becoming relaxed far more than the alcohol alone could ever achieve, simply by being in the presence of this strange, rumpled man. Something about his presence, despite his tear-reddened eyes or the stench of whiskey clinging strongly to his form, provided a sense of comfort, of warmth and understanding that Bucky found himself lacking even with Steve or his own family. The shared tragedy of two men warped and torn apart by an unkind world, molded into an unnatural form by hands cruel enough to not even consider the repercussions of their actions.

[briebysabs]

Okay I wanna talk about woosan in the ateez canon lore for a minute because they’re actually insane. Like sure, they’re a popular pairing so it’s natural to have them be the classic duo in MVs. But they’ve done it so many times that it has to be more than fanservice at this point.

For instance, the ending to Eternal Sunshine where Woo runs and takes San’s hand as they float mid-air. What was the purpose this has still not been explained. A theory I heard was that Eternal Sunshine is a collective dream Ateez is having but still. I get they were really pushing woosan in 2021 but I squinted my eyes, it’s sus to me.

I’ve heard the theory too that WY from Halateez might be a traitor. I think it stemmed from the Hala Hala video where he’s left standing with blood on his mouth, everyone else fallen. Sick ass shot btw but they did defeat the Z-world government in Crazy Form (though idk if that was Halateez or A-world Ateez). So I feel like if he was it would’ve been revealed by now but it’s still a possibility.

I’ve also heard that canon woosan (before anyone yells I said canon not irl) are an implied couple and that’s the subtle nodding to standing up against an oppressive government and Ateez’s whole themes surrounding freedom. Could be true but that’s also putting a lot of faith into a kpop company being progressive enough to integrate that into their storyline.

There is what woosan said at a fansign about their characters in bouncy:

I understand that they’re the Black Pirates in disguise but if WY was ever a traitor, his lack of caring what happens to San would make sense. What makes the angst is that San wholeheartedly trusts in WY here. But my personal theory that I have is at some point, one version of woosan is going to sacrifice themself for the other. Now, it is a leap to say Ateez would kill off a member in their storyline because it could upset some fans. But they can get away with it regardless if it’s permanent or temporary because they have multiple versions of themselves in their lore. So nobody is 100% gone forever but it’ll still be a loss.

And preferably I want it to be WY if it ever happens. Here’s why: idk about Z-world WY but A-world WY’s biggest obstacle or regret was being too late, lacking confidence, being uncertain and missing his chance. While San wanted stability and was tired of his life constantly changing, thus losing friends. So think about it.

If WY died for San, he overcame his wall. He took a chance, he didn’t miss it and would regret nothing bc he couldn’t lose San. While San now lost his best friend forever, the biggest change of his life. And I do know that their backstories in A-world are somewhat reflective of themselves irl. And WY has been described as really the glue that holds the team together, that they wouldn’t be as close as they are without him. Not that losing any other member wouldn’t be heartbreaking but like….if WY died in canon I feel like even the staff would be crying behind the camera y’know what I mean?

And San can go full “I gotta save him, I can’t lose another friend he means too much to me”. It’ll work bc even if you’ve only watched the MVs without knowing anything else about woosan, you know what San means bc you usually see them paired in the songs. So he may use the Cromer (if they still have it) to time travel somehow which will be bringing us to another dilemma because Yunho’s brother has been dead. And I’m pretty sure in one of the diaries they went back in time for some reason, Yunho saw this opportunity and tried to save him from the accident that killed him but it still happened anyway. So there’s 1. Yunho’s like hey San I love WY too but why should we save him and not my brother? Then 2. Yunho going uh I tried doing this before and it didn’t work and I had to relive my brother dying so San don’t do this. And then San just doesn’t listen so it causes a rift within the group.

I feel like this would also give an excuse to keep the story going because the revolution is over. I think the main thing that caused me some fear about this comeback was Mingi going on a podcast saying how 2024 was really their year and they want to end it with a grand finale. Terrifying words, I think the incoming comeback is gonna be lore and it’s gonna be big. Doesn’t need to be woosan-related, probably isn’t but it just spawned my inner worm thoughts of their place in the lore.

[spacecadet-ticklesinspace]

Here’s an idea I’ve had in my head recently. Idk if I’ll be able to accurately describe it. I’ve been picturing Buck sitting on the couch and either Eddie or Bobby coming up and plopping down right next to him. They sling their arm over Buck’s shoulders and place their hand right over his stomach. And then they can basically claw at his tummy or ribs or poke in his belly button and Buck is just trapped under their arm that’s over his shoulders lol. That may or may not be confusing to understand but I tried 🤣

(I think I've got it 😁 Pictured Buck in a slightly slouched back position with one of his arms by his side or leg and the other on the arm of the couch? ❤️ Then Bobby just plops next to him? ❤️ Hope this makes sense ❤️😅 And hope you enjoy Anon ❤️ :))

Trapped?

Summary: See prompt above :)

Buck was trying to watch the show on screen.

Atleast he had been before a certain someone sat down next to him. Because he was distracted by the show, the blonde hadn't paid much attention to who was coming up to the couch. That was until the figure had moved to sit, dropping an arm around the blonde's shoulders in the process.

And laying their hand on his stomach.

Buck blinked before looking down at the hand then up at the face of the person sitting next to him.

Bobby stared ahead at the screen. Definitely not looking in his direction.

Buck looked back down at the hand. He may just not realize where he'd placed it so Buck went to move it.

That's when the hand dug into his stomach.

"Noho!" Buck immediately started to squirm. "Bobby!"

The younger firefighter tried to pull himself forward out of the hold, but the older fire captain kept pulling him back. He tried slouching down further, but he'd be chased back up with a pinch or two to his hip.

Buck actually whined, "Bobbyhy."

"What?"

The blonde tried to push the older fire captain's away, but Bobby kept coming back to the spot. "Bobbyhy."

"You're going to have to be more specific than just laughter kid."

"Gehet ohoff!" Buck got out while pulling on the fire captain's wrist.

However, Bobby shook himself loose before attacking the younger's stomach once again. "Get off where?"

Buck pulled himself to the side. He regretted sitting next to the arm of the couch now with nowhere to go to get away from the spontaneous attack.

Again, Bobby pulled him back.

"Bobbyhy," Buck whined again. "Lehet mehe go."

"Why?" The older fire captain chuckled at the squeak he pulled by tweaking the blonde's side. "I need a reason."

Buck squeaked and jumped the other way when Bobby squeezed his other side. He then turned to bury his face into the closest part of the couch he could reach.

That pulled another chuckle out of Bobby before he yanked the blonde back out of hiding. "Come on Buck, don't be so dramatic."

Another jump when the older fire captain spidered onto his lower stomach. Immediately, Buck changed his tactics.

He buried his face into the side of Bobby's chest then wrapped his torso in a hug.

The older fire captain finally paused his attack to return the hug, more of his own chuckles filling the air. He brought the hand not near Buck's stomach up to ruffle the giggly firefighter's curls. He loved this kid.

After letting him have a few more seconds to catch his breath, Bobby decided to sneakily poke right where Buck's belly button was hiding.

The blonde latched onto Bobby's wrist. "No!"

"What?" The older fire captain pushed into the spot a little more. "You got a giggle spot hiding under there?"

Buck whipped his head away from Bobby's chest while also trying to pull his wrist away. "No!"

"Uh-huh."

The blonde yanked his knees up with a giggle filled shout when the older fire captain broke free and attacked the spot for a third time. This time he pinched the muscle all around his belly button instead of just poking.

Bobby kept up the attack for a few seconds longer before skittering back over to Buck's side.

The blonde was quick to follow, his grip still on the older fire captain's wrist. The pinch that followed sent him burrowing back into the side of Bobby's chest.

"Why are you hiding Buck?" Bobby teased while spidering up the blonde's side to his ribs.

The new spot made Buck let out a muffled squeal as he tried to keep the surprisingly nimble fingers away from the sensitive spot. Bobby knew they were a sweet spot. He was playing dirty now.

Then Bobby went for the kill right in the center of his ribs. "Am I really not that entertaining?"

Buck couldn't get out a response through his laughter. He couldn't even get a cohesive thought formed at this point.

After a few more seconds of tickling, Bobby finally pulled his hand away. He wanted to pick on the younger, not kill him. "Over dramatic much?"

"Yohohou."

The older fire captain looked down at the curls. "What did I do?"

Buck shifted his head to glare up.

"What?"

The blonde pulled away. "You tickled mehe."

"Huh." Bobby turned back to the TV. "Did I?"

Buck shoved the fire captain's arm away.

Bobby chuckled before sliding over a bit to give Buck a bit of room, keeping his attention on the TV.

Once he had that space, the blonde relaxed back into the couch. A comfortable silence settled back over the two, allowing the sounds of the TV show and Buck's remaining giggles to fill the loft.

[wachtelspinat]

Hey ! I’ve been seeing your art going around since your midnight crew stuff and I just recently stubble across your tumblr, thank to your beautiful overwatch art for our beloveds junkers ! I’ve been scrolling through your account and read about your experience of being a former graphic designer who is a doctor now. And damn. I can’t emphasize how much I admire you, especially as someone who is struggling really hard to choose between 2 careers paths ( with one of them being art related ). This is why I was wondering if you would be open to talk about how and why you switched from art to medecine ? Especially because most of the time I feel it happens more the other way around ? ( If it’s too personal just ignore this ask + sorry if you already talked about it before )

hey ! no worries, i don't expect ppl to scroll through my tumblr to find an answer for a question they might have. first of all thanks for your nice words, means a lot <3

i switched from art to medicine because my early 20-something-self was even more anxiety-ridden than my present-self, and being in art school and having to "perform" regularly was a nightmare. i'm talking about a time in which i was so scared of being perceived that i often skipped grocery shopping, just so i could avoid being around people. so like, pitching art related projects to peers and profs was eeh... especially because art is so personal oh my god. i still hate it when someone tries to sneak a peek while i'm drawing, makes me wanna throw my sketchbook and myself off the bridge. anyways so i always felt a 110% inadequate (plus i got a gf during that time who was so good to me and tried to get me out of my funk on multiple occasions (she was and still is an artist and has now a career as a freelancer and i'm rly proud of her) but i couldn't see that because i just compared the two of us all the time and sabotaged any attempt she made for having fun with drawing with her) that i sat down at some point and asked myself if i could do this any longer, and i came to the conclusion that no, it really kills me rn.

what made me go into the health sector? i don't even know anymore, i think it was a mixture of "i loved biology, esp. the human body in school" and "my mum is an icu nurse and talks a lot about hospitals, maybe i should check it out"... it was not a well thought through decision, which is so funny because studying medicine was a hell of a meatgrinder ride (also my anxiety and self hatred? still there, but now i wasn't judged anymore because of my art but instead being called a dumb idiot collectively with all the other students because nobody likes med students) and for some reason i was able to get through that despite it not being my passion at all, but i couldn't stand up for myself in art school. i don't even know if i could work through it nowadays, but the good thing is i don't have to ask myself this question anymore, because being a doctor pays the bills, and ever since i left art school i was able to just draw without consequence. which is nice to a degree, my artistic output is not tied to the means of generating money. on the other hand... idk, in another life with more confidence and less worries, i'd love to be some sort of character designer T_T

so yeah that's basically it. at some times i cherished my career decisions, at other times i regretted them deeply, worst thing is i know it has a lot to do with personality, but the fact that we can't change who we are with a blink of an eye gives me the framework to think that the path i took was ok. as in. things happened for a reason and maybe i'm just not cut out for that kind of work. you have to be aware of the conditions of a job to decide if you are up for it. because being an artist doesn't end with "just draw". i myself had an unrealistic view of the job back then too. and the fact that i could not seperate between personal aspects and "doing a job here" was crucial.

yeah, idk if this is helpful at all. i think the one thing that is super important here is to have a realistic view on the conditions of work you are about to head into, and i know this is mostly very difficult to aquire. because unless you really work in a sector there is often no way to fully grasp the situations you can find yourself in (this applied for me also in the health sector, which made me fall into a depression a year ago, but what do you do after you spent 6 years of studying :') ). doing internships and just trying to get to know a lot of things really helps. and - idk how old you are, but if you're really young: it's ok to switch careers at some point. it's even ok to do so when you are older (trying to end on a positive note here because it feels like i just said a lot of depressing things... like don't get me wrong i like my job, the conditions are just fucked up, and again my personality prevents me from switching again but it's also not that easy in germany, BUT it's a valid thing to do, being versatile is good! just... make sure you don't end up with a job that you absolutely hate because that kills it all)

[ryuichirou]

Reply

Replies! About ships, about past drawings, about Vil, Neige and Rook, and about Jamil (AzuJami, KaliJami), about some random hcs. And one about AzuIde Marriage AU!

I also wanted to note that we have some asks related to the way I draw things, and I feel like it requires a tutorial, so it’ll probably take some time until I reply… sorry.

Anonymous asked:

🫙 + 👻 + 🏹

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

sdfihsduh THE SECRET CODE… 😭 so confusing yet so meaningful!! Long live Rook’s special jar

Anonymous asked:

I have seen you draw Greenviolet before but have you tried Redwer?? (Redmond x Bluewer)

We like these two, but not as much as we love Greenviolet; so even though I have nothing against the idea of drawing them together, I haven’t done it, and I don’t know when I’m going to.

I’ve mentioned it just the other day: we’re not in Kuroshitsuji mood right now, and while it could change very suddenly and I might feel the urge to draw our faves from there out of nowhere, the chances of us drawing Redwer are kind of low…

But when we revisit the manga (idk when), I’ll most likely sketch them together at least once – it’s a shame that I haven’t drawn them as a pair even once.

Anonymous asked:

Day 1 of asking you to draw Edgar Redmond x Lawrence Bluewer

I’m going to stop you right there, Anon, I’m sorry, although I understand your feelings. Please don’t ask: I don’t take free requests, and the more you ask, the less likely I am to draw them.

Anonymous asked:

Lol, Silver looks so done with Lilia in your Touhou art

Heheh he’s just a little sleepy 😌 As always.

Anonymous asked:

The bit about the sextant reminds me of ed, edd, n eddy’s big picture show

(referring to the cursing hcs post)

Yes! It’s kind of a sneaky reference, Anon, I’m glad you got it! lol

The fact that it’s a quote from a kids’ show… EEnE is special.

Anonymous asked:

Wait, if it follows the story and it was the boar's heart and not Neige's, that's kinda heartbreaking if you don't pay attention to how messed up it is.

I can imagine Vil being both outraged and saddened if/when he finds out it's not Neige's. (if it follows the original storyline)

(related to this Vil drawing)

Yeah, he might even snap and decide to get rid of Neige himself! Nothing could be trusted to his trusted hunter, it seems >:C

But if we’re going with rkvl angle, it is also easy to picture Rook protecting not only Neige but Vil’s soul that way: of course Vil isn’t the one doing the killing, but it’s his decision; and wouldn’t Vil start to regret this decision after going past the point of no return?

The answer is no, Snow White needs to die, that bitch >:c

Sigh… sometimes betrayal is beautiful~

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

So I heavily love the headcanon/idea of Neige being all sweet and innocent but then when he's alone he's more "mature" than what the public assume, and VERY vulgar about his admiration/maybe crush on Vil. The dwarfs are the only one who know his actual personality and accepts him. What are your thoughts if Vil saw Neige's side when they're alone?

I think Vil would be shocked because Neige must be an amazing actor to pull something like that off – Vil is a good judge of character, and if he didn’t clock him being a fake person, he is genuinely impressive. But Vil would also feel kind of pleased at first, because of course no one is that much of a saint and a good person, and it feels good that the bitch you hate is actually vulgar and unlikeable (subjective and caused by Vil’s own bias lol). But even then, after that first “heh” emotion ends, Vil will likely feel disappointed… I guess he really wanted Neige to really be that good and that innocent deep inside.

But then he’ll learn that Neige is super horny and outspoken about what he would do to Vil’s body, and start avoiding him like a plague lol It will create weird tension between them, that’s for sure. It’s not like Vil can reveal Neige’s secret to anyone either, because he would also get attention like that…

Anonymous asked:

I notice you said that Idia wasn’t really in love with Azul. If so, why did he marry him?

Anon! I’m sorry but I’ll use your ask to note that there is another asks related to this AU, but I can’t post the reply just yet because it requires some context (a comic that we haven’t posted yet). I thank both you and that Anon for your patience and your interest in this AU <3

To answer your question! In terms of benefits, it’s true that Azul has more to gain from their marriage than Idia (Idia is aware of that), but Azul actually makes Idia’s life easier in a lot of ways! He keeps Idia’s human interactions to a minimum and does all the talking for him, he is his representative in every affair that would require Idia to actually go out and communicate with others. Azul organises anything that needs to be organised, he basically does all the thinking for Idia. This is pretty much how Azul pitched this whole thing to Idia: imagine if you didn’t have to think about anything other than doing your thing? Imagine if no one bothered you? Of course, Idia still has stuff to do as the future director of S.T.Y.X., but being with Azul is… comfortable. It’s like Azul always makes sure that Idia’s environment is perfectly conditioned for him.

But in a lot of ways, I think both of them have some feelings for each other. For whatever its worth, Azul gives Idia some comfort. Aside from Ortho, he is probably the closest person to Idia, at least in terms of understanding how each other’s brains work. He knows Azul, he knows his flaws and knows where it is and isn’t safe to trust him. Idia wouldn’t open up completely (Azul wouldn’t either), but hey, if he has to pick someone to spend the rest of his life with while slowly getting tired of each other and starting to feel resentful (funny how Idia views marriage considering his parents seem to love each other), he would rather allow Azul to sign up for that role than someone else. He wouldn’t get any better option than Azul anyway.

Underneath all that rational reasoning could hide the fact that Idia genuinely likes Azul, but doesn’t want to fall in love with him.

Anonymous asked:

Jamil being into powerplay porn feels so right! I sometimes wonder if he would enjoy acting like a brat, if he ever found someone he actually likes and feels comfortable with. I can't really see current Jamil doing it, since he seems like the kind of guy who thinks love and trust are for kids. Even if he suddenly went insane and admitted this, his most likely partners would be awful as "tamers".

Azul wouldn't need to have the details explained to him, but he might take the punishment too far a bit too quickly at the first act of disobedience. Also he is physically unable to turn off the smugness (at least with Jamil), even when he's supposed to act stern. At that point it becomes more like humiliation than "disciplining". Jamil can work with that too, it's just not quite what he's looking for.

Meanwhile Kalim wouldn't even understand (You want to be scolded???). It wouldn't even be entirely Kalim's fault, I think Jamil is worse at explaining things to him, and gets embarassed a lot faster than normal. To his credit, Kalim would figure it out on his own eventually (Oh, so it's like acting in a play!), but he still wouldn't be able to put it in practice. Time to ask the Film Research Club for acting tips!

Anyway essay over, but do you guys have these kind of headcanons where you're like "I could see this character being into this, but only in specific circumstances"?

Oh Jamil would make such a wonderful brat, if only he was comfortable enough doing that and had people around him who could handle him lol Both Azul and Kalim are simply horrible!

I agree that Azul would unintentionally turn disciplining into humiliation, and he would always go too far. He prides himself on his self-control, and he is very good at it usually, but it’s Jamil we’re talking about. Azul is just a man… Ironically, I can picture these two having a fling during which they kind of start arguing/aggressively bickering/flirting/fighting, which always leads to them having sex somehow. It’s very raw and unusual for both of them, and Jamil wouldn’t be comfortable admitting that he likes putting up a fight and being unapologetically rude just to get overpowered by Azul. It’s steamy, and it tickles the bratty bone, but like you said, this isn’t exactly that, and Azul’s face is way too punchable for it to be the perfect deal for Jamil.

Film Research club would be SUCH A GOOD HELP for Kalim! It also made me remember how Rook helped him to work on his wolf roar for Halloween, and Kalim ended up being quite good at it. It’s not impossible for him to learn! But it is difficult because scolding Jamil and punishing him feels so weird to poor Kalim :(

As for headcanons, it’s a bit difficult to tell, because there are a lot of characters, and there are a lot of kinks that they may or may not be kind of into but just a little bit. But answering in yes/no manner, yeah that happens a lot! I think you can see it while reading our hc posts about specific kinks. I think I do the “he wouldn’t be into it BUT” thing a lot lol

Anonymous asked:

Real question: Who would do the dick in a box present prank? Who would do it completely nude? And who would open it?

My first instinct is to say Ace, but unfortunately I think even he would think that it’s kind of immature lol Floyd wouldn’t though! Well sometimes he would, but I could still picture him thinking that this is a hilarious idea and do it completely nude because he misunderstood the assignment a little bit.

Riddle would still open it… I don’t know what he expected.

Lilia could also do it, but neither Silver nor Malleus would want to open it because they know exactly what they’re going to see. Maybe Silver will do it not to upset Lilia…

Idia would also open it, but because he would feel like he’s being held at gunpoint lol Open the box, Idia 🔫

[cupidjyu]

can you do a reaction to how the boyz members would react to another member flirting with their s/o? <33

jealousy, jealousy

(maknae line) when they get jealous over another member

genre: jealousy (ofc), pouty... men, fluff, idk they're just grumpy notes: i kinda changed the prompt because i felt kinda awkward writing another member flirting with a taken person LMAO so, lets say that what they do is completely unintentional ~ sorry anon, i hope you can understand &lt;3 word count: 1.3k

haknyeon

You always knew that Younghoon liked this particular type of bread, the one with chocolate cream inside. It was often hard to find so you always heard him complain. But, on your way back from work, you caught sight of it.

You bought a few, two for Younghoon and three for your boyfriend, Haknyeon. Fortunately, when you arrived at his dorm, Younghoon was there.

��Look what I got?” You held up your bag with a bright smile. Younghoon gasped and he jumped up.

“Is it–”

You nodded and Younghoon was rambling with joy. Haknyeon quickly noticed what was going on so he put down his computer. He watched silently as Younghoon gave you a tight hug.

“Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I’ve craved for this.” Younghoon laughed before pulling away, his hands resting on your shoulders. “You’re amazing, Y/n.”

You started to take the bread out and Younghoon immediately took it and bit into it. 

He looked up at you with bright eyes. “This is so good… I…” He trailed off, suddenly looking behind you. You stared back confused as he winced. “There’s someone…” He pointed behind you awkwardly.

You were about to turn around but then felt warm arms snake around your waist from behind. You inhaled sharply.

“Haknyeonie?” You glanced behind. Except, he wasn’t looking at you. Instead, he was glaring grumpily at Younghoon. The older man only muffled a laugh and took the bread into another room, giving you some privacy.

“What’s the matter?” You laughed.

“You got bread for him but not me? And look how he hugged you…” He grumbled, pouting adorably. You giggled and reached back into the bag to hand one to him.

“What do you mean? I got extra for you.” You pinched his nose, causing him to blush.

“Oh, I…” He whined. “I didn’t know, sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You smiled fondly. “You’re cute actually.”

He whined even louder.

“Mind if we share?” You gestured to the bread now in his hand. He nodded excitedly, all happy again as you led him to sit on the stools.

“Of course.” He winked cheekily, making you giggle. He broke off a piece and imitated an airplane, much to your disapproval. “Say ahhhh–”

“Haknyeon,” You deadpanned with a glare. “I’m not a baby.”

He huffed. “You’re my baby.”

“Oh,” You breathed out. Then you shrugged, pressing a quick peck to his lips. “Okay, that works too.”

sunwoo

It all started when you were having a perfectly normal movie night. The theme was superhero movies and since Juyeon avidly enjoyed them, he had joined the two of you. Additionally, it was Sunwoo who had even invited him. But now, he regretted it.

Sunwoo knew that Juyeon was quite an affectionate person. But, it was different when it was specifically with you. Little did he know, that Juyeon simply had a sibling fondness for you. Every time you would point out a detail in the movie, he would always pat your head and smile.

“Hey, what if she actually is the enemy and she’s just faking being nice?” You asked, wondering.

Sunwoo spoke up, turning to you, “I think so too–”

But then he was interrupted by Juyeon.

“Definitely.”

“I knew I was right.” You simpered, proudly. And again, Sunwoo noticed that Juyeon was smiling down at you so, so sweetly. 

Throughout the movie, you felt your boyfriend try to pull you closer for some reason. The hand around your waist would tighten, almost protectively. Though, you didn’t mind, as you easily rested your head on his chest. 

After the movie, Juyeon had left and Sunwoo was sitting in bed. He was hugging a pillow to his chest as he watched you bustle around. When you finished, you turned around and almost cooed. Sunwoo looked so cute, with his pouty lips and sad, puppy-like eyes.

“Sunwoo, everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re lying.” You raised an eyebrow. He stayed silent, stubbornly staring back. But then, he groaned, frustrated as he fell face first on the bed. He kicked his legs, grumpily causing you to giggle.

“Ah, I shouldn’t have invited him…”

You sat next to him and patted his back. “And why’s that?”

“All he does is smile at you so fondly. It should only be me doing that!” He sat up again with a huff. His hair was adorably messy and tousled. You stared at him in shock before breaking out into a wide smile.

“Maybe he just likes me as a friend, you know? No need to be jealous.”

“But still…” He whined. You laughed and ran your hands through his messy hair. He immediately grew quiet at that and looked up at you with round eyes.

“Did you just– pet me?”

You nodded.

“Oh.” He blushed. “I–It felt nice.”

“Does it?” You began to comb your fingers all through his hair. He closed his eyes, leaning into your touch. “You know, you’re like a pouty puppy when you’re jealous.”

“Is that why you petted my hair?” He glared at you.

“Maybe.”

He groaned and hid his face in a pillow. But, when he noticed that you had stopped petting his hair, he shyly looked up at you with pleading eyes.

“Can you… continue?”

eric

The two of you were simply trying to figure out how to cook breakfast. But, since you had just woken up, you and your boyfriend were lazily yawning and fumbling around.

“Pancakes? I have no idea how to make those either,” He mumbled, sleepily. His hair was all messy and tangled, like a puppy in need of grooming.

You laughed and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. And in both of your guys’ daze, you bumped into each other.

“Ow.” You rubbed your head.

“Sorry!” He pouted. He took your cheeks in his hands, gently inspecting you. You only laughed and stared back. Then, he leaned in to kiss you on the lips.

“Lovebirds,” A voice called out from behind. You separated with flushed cheeks. Sangyeon was leaning against the wall with an amused smile. “Are you trying to cook?”

“Yeah, and we can’t figure it out…” Eric huffed.

“I’ll show you. Pancakes? I can teach you how to flip them if you want.” The older man offered with a kind smile. You nodded, excitedly.

Eric slumped over the counter, too tired to care. Soon enough though, he woke up when he heard your laugh. The one that was genuine and that he thought was the most beautiful. He looked up and frowned at the sight.

Sangyeon was standing behind you, his arm looped around you to demonstrate how to flip the pancake.

“Oh, I finally did it,” You breathed out.

“You did amazing.” Sangyeon smiled, looking you straight in the eye. You were about to reply but then you heard a loud noise from behind. You turned around and it seemed that Eric had cleared his throat loudly. He was looking you straight in the eye, his head tilted as he raised an eyebrow, attractively.

Immediately, you knew. So, you looked back to Sangyeon. “If you don’t mind… can I practice on my own?”

“Of course,” He replied and he walked out. Then, you put your hand on your hip and faced Eric with a tired expression.

“Are you jealous already?”

He whined, blushing. “Look how he was touching you! He was definitely flirting.”

“He’s teaching me how to flip pancakes.”

“Same thing!” He grumbled. “But fine, if you say so…” And he refused to look you in the eye, as he frowned grumpily. Your eyes softened.

“Baby.” You took his hand in yours and made him face you. “You know that I only love you, right?”

“Yeah?” He looked at you hopefully, leaning over the counter.

“Mhm.”

“That’s good then.” He nodded. “So if I… do this, you would still love me?”

“Do wha–”

He suddenly tacked you and pressed kisses all over your cheeks, making you smile and laugh.

“Ah, wait, let me flip my pancake.”

“No, you’re mine for now.”

[campbyler]

mmm what the fuck?

how am i supposed to live like a normal functioning person after experiencing the full range of human and Inhuman emotions?

thea i love u i promise but i also want to kill u in the most cruel way possible.

i was trying to read 32k words one hour before the work and failed Miserably 😭 i only get through driving lesson part. can u believe i had to do actual work the entire day instead of reading my gay fanfiction? 💔heartbreaking misogynistic And homophobic if u ask me.

anyway. i know im going to forget something. it always happens and then im too shy to send other asks so let hope it doesn’t happen this time.

driving lesson.

don’t worry about ur manual transmission description. i’ve changed three instructors in the span of year and a half and all three of them told me different things. i didn’t notice any Big Serious issues that would be at odds with driving mechanic.

to the other news. will sucks 😭😭 not his fault Obviously. he’s naturally anxious and tbh mike didn’t give him any hints about how to feel when the car is ready to go. not mikes fault too. i bet he doesn’t even think about this little thing anymore (and cause u don’t know about them either. which is ok don’t worry about it. u probably just need to experience it ti fully understand). i was so happy when will finally manage to get the car going 😭😭 i probably called him baby too.

and then i literally passed out when i saw the mike called Him baby?? first will’s brain in denial made me questioning was it really for him or for the car. cause mike Loves that car i wouldn’t be surprised if he really call it baby from time to time. but then i remembered that we know how mike feels thanks god and i became like 85% sure that it was for will. (i also Run to check playlist right after this line. yeah i found “king of my heart” there. u make the impossible possible cause why am i listening to two of my least favorite reputation songs and genuinely enjoy them?)

i mentally add the keychains to the list of things we need to know more about. but i think it’s cute that they both not only save them but also use them almost daily. and they both choose car keys to hang the keychains on. dare i say soulmates.

*two weeks later*

also i think it’s funny they consider each other hot while driving.

and of course mike is obsessed with old expensive cars!!

are the malls in the us exactly dying? my office building is near the mall and i can guarantee u that in my country they r super alive.

ok i might be wrong but i think that the deleted scene is from bookstore part idk.

i think it’s cute that they trust each other enough to allow to choose as significant item as journals concerning that they really picky about them.

and i loved that mike blushed over a simple kiss 🫶🏻🫶🏻

(i feel like i want to catch up on everything and it’s killing me cause i write down one thing and immediately remember the other 😭)

THEY WERE SO BOYFRIENDS IN DINER!!! i don’t think i will ever recover from how cute they r and how much they actually like each other (and how single i am. as the classic said “when someone will prey on my neurodivergency….” and so on and so forth). i love that everyone can see it and im obsessed that boys don’t even want to deny it. i think a lot about the fact that mike said that they middle school sweethearts like he regrets about the missed opportunities (but also he doesn’t regret cause the thing they have now (at this exact moment. cause i still have bad feeling) is like that Because of years of semi-friendship and rivalry and unsaid confessions).

and i think even more about the fact that mike didn’t want to talk about his pretentious ivy league college. squinting so hard and taking a lot of notes (in fact writing paragraphs of analysis to my friends who has no idea what acswy).

the photobooth scene!!! omg i can’t believe u almost deleted it all??? suni is our hero! lots of hugs and kisses and thanks to them!!

i can’t believe mike talked about showing pictures to their friends in one minute and literally kissing will on them in the other. i love them they r so silly and in love and can’t get enough of each other. u can feel how close they become and that the air is thick with the newfound (and rediscovered) feelings. and they can’t live without touching and the hold hands constantly!!! all day long!!! and it’s not enough!!! and oh. i think it wasn’t the last time we saw pictures (squinting even harder).

the way max immediately cut the bullshit and asked about swearshirt. i need to know what lucas wrote to mike.

he likes him!!!

i love the difference between mikes “i know i like him but i won’t do anything about it” and wills “i need to kiss him to death right now!”

and the kiss on the backseat of mikes stupid mustang!! we were all waiting for it!

i think i reread and memorized the last part and in still shaking whenever i think about “nervous” part. mike makes will nervous!! and he makes him shake and do stupid stuff like kissing and blushing and thinking to add heart next to his name and call him his boyfriend!!! omg!!

“I’ve got you, baby” WHO WILL GET ME??? im the one who is going insane??? it’s so tender. my boys 💔💔💔

(the second time. my eyes r hurting from squinting that much. and i feel like we’ll have “el’s not stupid” kind of scene in the flashbacks)

this character hits so hard!! i’ve never doubted any of u but i can see why this one is one of ur favorite thea!

thank u so much for ur hard work. if i could draw i would to the whole ass animation of this chapter (and any other too).

love u. thank u for reading all this rambling

mmm what the fuck is RIGHT alya bc this is how i feel every time i read one of ur lovely essay comments. bc whaqt the fuck. why do u want me to CRY ALL THE TIME. (i guess it's fair considering we are making u cry with the fic itself but still . Rude)

you are so real for trying to read 32k in one hour and also so me . rly fucked up and cruel that you would have to work (even tho u threatened to murder me)...i hope you are freed from these perils Soon. don't ever be too shy to send more asks tho every ask from you is a BLESSING and a TREAT!!! EVEN WHENTHEY ARE LACED W THREATS!!!!!!!!!!!! and also tysm for validating my manual driving lesson description bc fr every video i watched was different and i was so stressed but it's FINE. ALYA SIGNED OFF ON IT SO NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL W IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will Does suck and that's one thing we can all agree on 💗💗💗 i was going to include a bit about likee what the engine Sounds like bc i know it sounds different when you're ready to switch gears but honest tbhly the driving scene alone is like 12k and i was super losing steam by the time i thought of it so i didn't <3 he is def a baby and mike def refers to his car as baby so he is right to be confused. but it WAS for him!! we actually aren't 100% sure of mike's feelings Yet (ch08 is meant to be the precipice of a realization, not an actual one) but obviously . we do have a pretty good idea of how he does feel. teehee. also i am glad you are enjoying komh now bc wtf......how is it one of your least faves................i support you but i am also judging u a little alya .

i think keychains will be included in one of the companions :o) also OBVIOUSLY they find each other hot while driving. they're both annoying and down bad 🙄🙄

malls here are super dying!! i think the only ones that aren't are ones in Major Cities (there's two nearby me that are pretty popular, but the other ones are mostly closed, and it's definitely been a phenomenon in the us over the last few years thanks to online shopping)!! the deleted scene is actually from the driving scene, but the bookstore scene Feels shorter bc i was truly at the point where i had nothing left to give when writing it (it was the last part of ch09 to be written), so it definitely suffered from that. if we ever do Huge post-mortem edits once acswy is over, i might go back and add to it, or write a deleted-scene-type companion, but tht's the tea w the bookstore scene <3

the diner scene was SOOOO fun to write and it had me blushing frfr. i answered this in another ask but the middle school sweethearts comment was Definitely the most insane thing that i thought of for this chapter and to me it was for sure the nail in the coffin for will of like damn. ok. he's Serious abt this. bc i think with their #history that will has trouble admitting even to himself that he likes mike, and so he'd need to feel pretty certain of how mike feels first, and after processing the middle school sweethearts comment later in the car that's what made him realize like oh damn. i Do like him. SO MUCH. and we all nodded and patted his back and said yeah baby we know. but what you described mike thinking is absolutely exactly how he feels 💗 very reminiscent and wistful, even.

LOL LITERALLY THIS HAS BEEN A UNANIMOUS COMMENT ACROSS THE BOARD OF "THANK GOD FOR SUNI" (INCLUDING MYSELF). to Explain the way i was feeling about it -- i did not initially mean to have that be a Spicy make out moment! it was supposed to read more along the lines of the thrift store scene, or even the kiss after will finished driving the mustang, so very sweet and soft and Romantic. it just didn't come out that way once i was actually writing it, and so i was nervous that i was toeing the line too heavily, or tht it was out of place with the rest of the vibe i had constructed for the chapter. a combination of suni (and abby, who got early access and acted as our second beta) being adamant that it Did fit and worked well, and me being too pressed for time/not having enough energy to rewrite that saved it from the deleted scene graveyard <3 thank god fr. they are both so fucking stupid.

the entiiiiire realization scene up from will realizing he likes mike to the very end of the chapter is my favorite thing that i have ever written i think 💗 i am just so happy with the way it turned out, especially with it being at the point in the fic that it's at!! it felt rly right for will :') also mike calling him baby!!! that was such a last minute decision but i'm so glad i went for it!! the original line was "i've got you, yeah?" but baby hit So much harder so shout out to editing thea for making that change 🤸 will wants to add a heart next to mike's name in his phone SOOOO BAD!!! WHEN WILL HE GET TO!!!!!!!!!!!

your second ask SO TRUE SO REAL. TEEHEE AND MWAHA AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. also you're so right jonathan is so fucked up for stealing steve from will like that 🙄

tytyty as always for your novel length comment alya 💗 really and genuinely and truthfully the thought of getting to read ur reactions is one of the most exciting parts of uploading a chapter!! i eagerly await all of ur other reactions <3333

[dumbass-hyperfixations]

I started watching 911 recently (and I’m not gonna lie, it’s mostly because of Buck’s coming out because I wasn’t gonna start watching yet a show with a very potential queerbait in the middle of an otherwise very diverse and interesting looking cast) and I’ve been loving it, and even though I’m only on season 3 now, I really want to contribute with an idea on how the show could start up Eddie’s own coming out journey (which is hopefully in the cards)

Now, I don’t know how much closer Michael Grant gets to everyone else on the show (since I’m on season 3, I haven’t really seen him interact much with anyone but Bobby and Hen from the 118, and idk if that changes or if his relationship with other characters deepens over the years), but I would really like him to be present at Chimney and Maddie’s wedding. And maybe Tommy and Buck are being cute on the dancefloor, and then the camera pans to Eddie, who is seated to the side with Marisol, looking at the pair a little wistfully (just enough for us to know that maybe sitting there with Marisol isn’t exactly what he wants to do). And then, the camera would go to Michael, noticing Eddie’s look, and Marisol’s sort of dejected and bored expression. And he sees a couple that not only appears unhappy with each other, but also sees a whole lot of himself in Eddie.

So, as the wedding reception is coming to a close, Michael is at the bar as Eddie comes by, looking for one more round as the bartender announces the last call. And as he waits for the drink, Michael strikes up a conversation with a bit of small talk (again, idk if they’re close enough to have a deep conversation right off the bat), and then goes, “hey, did Bobby or Athena ever tell you why we got divorced?”

And Eddie stumbles over the answer a bit awkwardly, like yeah, it was because, well, um, you know, because you’re …

And Michael chuckles, putting him out of his misery with a “a flaming homosexual? Yeah. No sense in beating around the bush about it. At least not anymore. You know, I was so deep in denial I never even kissed a man until I was in my fifties?”

“Really? So you’ve … only been with women until you came out?” Eddie asks and Michael nods. “And you’re sure you’re not bisexual?”

To which Michael laughs and reassures him that no, not bisexual, just a very very repressed gay man. Then, he drives his not-so-subtle point home by saying:

“And even still, I don’t have many regrets about my life. I got two incredible kids out of it, and I can’t imagine my life without them. My only regret, though, is that I spent fifteen years with a woman I couldn’t love the way she loved me, and I wasn’t even man enough to give her a chance to look for someone better. Fifteen years. That’s a hell of a lot of time to take away from someone.”

And while he speaks, we see Eddie glance across the room, to Marisol fussing over Chris. And, inevitably, to Buck laughing along with something Chimney said on the other side of the room. And when he looks back at Michael, he sees a very knowing expression on his face.

“What are you trying to say?” Eddies asks, still guarded as hell, to which Michael chuckles.

“Nothing, man. I guess I just officially entered my lonely gay drunk at the bar days. But if I can pass a little wisdom. If can already you feel it in your gut that you’re not with the right person, maybe don’t be like me and spend the next fifteen years trying to figure out what you already know.”

And then he leaves, and BOOM, Eddie is forced to realize things he would much rather keep repressed.

[englandsgirl18181234]

I’m pretty sure you mentioned an idea of an AU of your Chthonic!Athena AU where Zeus actually did not mean to permanently harm/kill Athena and was sincerely regretful. In that scenario, would Apollo and Athena’s trauma be as bad as in Astrophobia and Its Consequences? (I feel like it would be agony either way though, for a version of Zeus who sincerely cares for his children yet still sucks at parenting and leading his family, to have caused such irreparable harm to his daughter)

also, I’ve been wondering about Minerva? With the other gods (except maybe Apollo? Idk if he changes much in Roman form) it’s like a subtle personality change I think (I haven’t read the books in a while), but with Athena it seems like it is more like the mental damage is getting worse and Minerva is a manifestation of the brain fog and confusion.

(an aside, I honestly love how Minerva mentioned Odysseus in MOA, claiming he could help her get home. Even as this romanized version of herself, she still cared for and respected this one long dead hero so much)

So in the Zeus's Regret AU, I honestly can't decide if Athena and Apollo would be more or less traumatized by what happened in God Games. At minimum, they'd be traumatized in different ways than they are in the base AU.

They're both a lot less traumatized before God Games than they are in Chthonic!Athena, at least. Because with the base AU, Zeus did everything he did from a basis of maliciousness and his desire to see others suffer, and they both know that. The side effects of what happened in God Games may have been accidental, though neither of them are certain on that front, but the suffering Athena endured was not.

But in Regret, God Games was a moment of temper and viciousness that neither of them had ever seen from him, before or since. And that makes them both doubt the entirety of their own relationships. With him and with everyone else.

Because if their own Father, who they love and who they thought loved them in turn, could hurt Athena so badly for such a small thing, what was stopping him from turning his temper on them again? What was stopping everyone else from doing the same? Had he made her suffer this way on purpose?

Athena had shown weakness in God Games, had shown that she cared for and had an attachment to Odysseus and his family. And that weakness was, at least partially, why he hurt her so badly. She'd put her attachment to Odysseus before her respect for Zeus and his pride. And now she was dying for it.

They're both terrified that if they showed such a weakness again then someone, whether that be Zeus or someone else, would use it as an excuse to hurt the two of them.

So Apollo actually pulls back a lot more in Regret than he does in the base AU, with his friendship with Athena becoming his only truly close relationship on Olympus on purpose, as opposed to it being a side effect of how cutthroat Olympus is, hiding Athena's condition, and his own trauma from from Athena's near death.

And as for Minerva, I'm still not quite sure how to properly describe what I want her to represent, so sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Minerva is essentially the damage to her soul made manifest. She's what happens when all of Athena's negative feelings and pain from the soul damage hits her at once. Or rather, the other way around.

All of the anger and fear and pain and side effects from what she's suffered since God Games hits her at once when she's forced to be Minerva, leaving her afraid and hurt and traumatized and angry as only a small fragment of what her mind knows she should be. So she lashes out at everyone around her, wanting them to hurt the way she is, while also pushing them away so she won't be hurt even more.

Ironically, her children actually get the least of it, her love for them enough to pull Athena back into focus slightly. What happened with Annabeth was bad, yes, I'm not denying that. But it was miles from the worst Minerva had ever been, even to others she cared about.

It's actually really lucky that Apollo doesn't change much, if at all, when Roman, because if he did, Minerva would likely have succeeded in pushing him away like she wanted to.

[sugakookie127]

Hey guys, so im back and i honestly regret giving the 3d so much power over me, this cycle… its so tiring so i WILL change. Ive said this before but i mean it! I will start my change by listening to adambja’s desired reality tape and their instant manifesting abilities tape! I’ll share my honest response to it everyday and while i listen, i’ll also be changing myself to be my desired self. I will stop giving my ego any attention and just dwell in the blissful feeling of my desires already being mine. I think my problem is that i think TOO damn much! Like… TOO MUCH. I keep asking myself questions like,” how do you know if this is working”,” i dont feel relaxed or fulfilled enough so am i doing something wrong?”, “what am i missing?”, “how have i been manifesting on a day to day basis and why is it hard now?”, etc etc. ive been asking myself too much questions and not understanding anything or “forgetting” what i learned about loa BECAUSE of my self doubt which has made me decide to overconsume. I feel like now that i think about it, ive been deciding a LOT of things. I’ve been deciding to continue to believe the 3d is real, decided to continuosly doubt myself, decided to stress myself out, decided to overconsume and everything. So now im going to decide that this is me putting my foot down because im tired of the self doubt, self hate, insecurity and mood swings CAUSED by these “insecurities”. I wouldnt be feeling this way at all if i were my desired self. So while i decide to listen to the adambja tapes i’ve mentioned, im also going to follow a “routine” but i won’t treat it as something that i HAVE TO DO like homework because manifestation is about having fun as the creator or the “buyer” in your reality. It’s not necessarily a process but it’s like walking into a store where EVERYTHING u want is available for u at no cost and all you have to do is take something and then it’s yours now. It belongs to u and you are now that person WITH that desire. Idk, it’s like i DO know how to manifest but i cant feel that “acceptance” feeling when i imagine myself with it.. y’know? ( i better after all that damn overconsumption) So im going to meditate while i listen to the tapes and when i go to sleep, i’m going to think affirmations like,” i love ending my day in my perfect room looking this effortlessly beautiful while going to bed”. Im going to vaunt and do things the way my desired self would and if that means im going to post everyday and be like her, then so be it. Expect my success story this week because i decide that i’m not a failure. I decide that i no longer want to see the 3d as the truth cus it’s no fun😛 also expect a daily review on adambja’s tapes 😗 i decide that i’m not ugly no more cus girl TUH. What hater would really have the nerve to call me that💀 im too fine and they know it. I feel like i fall in love with myself all over again anytime i think of myself but it’s impossible NOT to because i’m just that kind of person. Im too lovely and irresistible to NOT fall in love with. Yea i DO have $995 and i will win the contest i made with my bestie cus my paycheck bouta be $695 lol WHY? CUS I SAID SO. Subconscience i know you’re listening bookie, my love, i already have my desires no matter what, ok? PERIODT

K bye yall💚💚💚

[akamikazae]

7 and 22 for the ask game ??? <3

howdy howdy my dear ! ty sm for the ask <3

7. your preferred writing fonts?

‘Times New Roman’ or ‘Arial’, tho recently started a fic w ‘Roboto’ no reason except I thought it was pretty lol. Sometimes if I’m stuck or editing I’ll change the font to like 'Comic Sans' to try catch mistakes — I’m dyslexic and have heard that apparently comic sans is easier for dyslexic ppl to read, idk if that’s true for me or not but changing the font really does help ya see things differently!

22. do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that?

Oh ya for sure! I def had a harder time with it before I decided to start sharing things. Negative attention can be scary and disheartening but at the end of the day art and fandom should be about community and because of my fics I’ve met some really wonderful people. So public reaction doesn’t really get to me too much anymore. 

I actually have a harder time sharing writing with people I know [online pals, bc no one irl knows im here lol] When I post stuff to ao3 or tumblr it’s kinda within my own space in the void, so I guess I’m just not as worried with what some random person I don’t know out in interweb thinks of what I do. At the end of the day you can’t please everyone and if someone is cruel enough to leave you mean unsolicited criticism thats a reflection of them and not you, especially when Ao3 is so easy to curate your experience and you can simply back-bar out of a fic thats not to your taste. I guess all that to say that while it can be hard to deal with it, that worry kept me from being in fandom spaces for so long, and I regret that now and wish I got in sooner, bc it does feel really great to share what ya love <33

fic writers asks

[flowervolcano]

Oh man… I just read Deadpool (2024) #6 and I GOT MUCH TO SAY. But I’m gonna keep this Taskpool centric, I might do an overall review on the full series later but there’s a few talking points specifically about Taskpool I’ve gotta say before I forget ‘em.

spoilers beyond the cut so DO NOT READ IF YA DON’T WANNA GET SPOILED!!!

At least I hope this works. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, I don’t usually even do review type thingys but I’m really hyped ^^

Let’s begin….

Really loved the way Tasky looked here. But also find this pretty funny considering back in Despicable Deadpool he threw a guy/his wheelchair at Taskmaster.

Interestingly enough, Wade called him Taskmaster more times in this comic than the previous ones. But he’s on business mode rn so he’s definitely keeping it professional!

Because not too much later he then calls him Task-Daddy— WHY DID HE DO THAT???? Tasky, you aren’t getting out of this anymore, I’m sorry… I had to full stop and process this. We kept making jokes… we did it for months now and Wade finally said what we all been saying 😭💀

This just interested me a lot. Both of them are talking about new territory, but it’s not the same kind. I think it’s really important for Tasky because he’s never actually been a father-like figure to anyone (not even his own daughter…) but maybe I was reading too much into this—

I know this is very much in character for Tony to wanna brand more since he’s broke, likes good business, etc, but I can’t help but feel like this equals him being a dad to Ellie, why? he’s never had to brand anybody before, but he obviously saw promise in her and even if Wade may have thrusted this mentorship onto them both, he didn’t HAVE to do it like this, that he is explaining the reasoning just felt like an excuse/deflection, it was like he WANTED to have a piece of himself in her outfit but he’s just gotta act cool about it.

I won’t lie when I say this “No Killing Rule” has piqued my interest the most, because to me, rules are made to be broken. And I am intrigued to see where this leads in the future and what will unfold. It is sort of a big deal for Wade to put onto Taskmaster, and I can think about how he may react if Ellie crosses that line— I mean it is his responsibility… I’m wondering if I’m thinking too much on this!

At first I just wanted to add this in and say isn’t he just gorgeous here? But then I realized the dialogue is something to poke at. He’s somewhat pulling her leg here, but I also think it could be interpreted in a few different ways; he’s never gonna admit that he’s protective of her, but he is. It’s not just hit reputation that he’s concerned about okay?

I also think it may be how he’s worked with Wade for a very long time, but with her, it’s a whole new world. It could go a lot of ways, but I’d like to think there’s a part of Taskmaster that is going to miss working alongside Wade and he doesn’t wanna confess. But being around Ellie is just gonna be a reminder.

Being around Ellie might remind him of his own daughter that he knows nothing about. And maybe he feels regretful about this. Idk maybe he doesn’t even remember her at all… depends on the writer.

—————

Loving the dynamic he’s got with her so far. They’re goofy and silly and I love to see him being the funny guy in the situation while Ellie is more serious. Nice change from Wade & Tasky. Really appreciate Ellie is her own person and not just a Deadpool 2.0, I think Tony likes that about her too.

Finally. Love seeing these two interact. A lot. This is something I will REALLY miss now that… well you know… now that stuff happened…. And at this very moment NEITHER TASKY OR ELLIE KNOW THAT WADE IS DEAD OH I AM SICK!!! (Also why did Wade look extra cute here… there was zero reason for it. Thank you Artist!!!)

Uh yeah and these were my little thoughts and such. I might of jumped over things and I’ve never really done posts like these. But this issue really itched my brain and so I wanted to discuss stuff a little haha. Hope y’all enjoy and ofc enjoyed the new issue!!!

[unearthingandrebuilding]

A really fun in between stage of healing is gaining the ability to detect BS, decide that some patterns with people are too unhealthy and cut stuff off sooner…

Like I love that for me isn’t lonely at all :) but it sure beats how things were before.

It was delusional before, or ignorance, or ignoring the truth, or a mix of those, whatever.

I keep cutting people off but like… a lot of people are actually weird man, and have been weird towards me imo.

I used to blame my attachment issues and stuff so much, self gaslighting, but nah.

My standards have changed, my respect for what I need has changed, my tolerance to being more “on my own” has changed, etc. Idk.

Some people have really sucked.

I regret cutting off maybe 1 person or so. I dunno, I’m trying to figure things out.

Some of the people weren’t so creepy to me but more like - I felt they were just damaged or hurting too, and so therefore it was triggering to me in some way or another. Tbh though, I don’t know. I doubt myself a little bit still - but what was the alternative? I’ve actually done a fair amount of processing and healing from this to be honest, from the space from toxic dynamics - and that’s been good.

I think sometimes yeah, maybe it’s attachment related. Maybe it’s me being scared to feel vulnerable - because sometimes someone starts to feel like jumping off a cliff. I can’t work those situations out just yet.

But the others - respectfully they either had narcissistic personality disorder traits (I mean no direct offence with this, it’s just not something I can healthily be around especially with my own attachment patterns etc man idk. I have my own issues and am in no place to judge - I won’t post here the mental health shit I displayed last year but I really don’t mean it disrespectfully either, anyways…), OR they showed signs to me that they were controlling / abusive / power game playing or downright creepy tbh.

I feel a bit bad for distancing and cutting off from people who I’ve genuinely felt something for or liked etc. Not my first rodeo at doing that. Like I’m sorry, but also I couldn’t handle it. And I didn’t know if you were triggering my attachment shit in some toxic way or playing me, or if it was my stuff - or both. Whatever.

I think it’s me though, regardless of them. I don’t think I can really handle anything where I develop romantic feelings or expectations right now. Maybe I never could. Maybe I should take my time on that stuff, I don’t know. But it makes me unwell and I can’t handle it.

Anyway this song is pretty cool:

Love 💓