#when i saw the time stamp of my last post there being 4 years ago i got so sad

[transmage]

rediscovered my old tf rp blog and the nostalgia is borderline painful

[butterflydm]

wot deeper dive 2x4: daughter of the night

This specific post I am going to avoid any spoilers from the books! I will be doing another post later today that includes those spoilers and related thoughts.

I feel like I can safely call him 'Ishamael' now. The information is all there in the episodes.

I do like this initial 'calling' scene, though we got a lot of it teased to us before the season aired, so I've talked about it before. But we hear the word 'Lanfear' here, though it's followed by a lot of Old Tongue, so it might not have stood out too much to people who didn't already know that it's someone's name.

Given what we saw of the flashback last season "3000 years ago", I feel safe in saying... yeah, looks like Ishamael is among the ruins of that older civilization. Probably brings back some memories. Also, time-stamp note: it looks like he's wearing the black buttoned outfit that he wore last season, not the blue with the gold tie-clip-like design that he's been wearing this season.

3. The bloody woman! I wonder if she's bloody (and naked) because that's what she looked like when she got sealed up or if it's something that happened due to the process of unsealing. It looks like the seal was already partially damaged, so maybe that's why Lanfear was bloody when she woke up.

4. I loved Anveare's plotline through this episode. I really enjoy what the show is doing in showing us the downside of being a channeler -- outliving your friends and family, watching them grow old and die. Having children is a crapshoot -- if they're a girl, and they can channel, then it's a relatively normal parental relationship. But if they're a boy or if they're a girl who can't channel, then they will inevitably die before you. We're introduced to Anveare again by showing us her signs of aging -- she looks at the lines on her face and puts on an elaborately-styled wig to cover how white her real hair is.

5. Here's a question: given the age of her butler and how she talks later about needing to ask friends for food (and the general vibe of the manor house itself); it sounds like their house truly is fallen, as Moiraine mentioned in s1, and is having serious money issues (though in the way that nobility has money issues rather than the way that the people in the Foregate do -- she's not poor, she lacks funds) and Anveare seeks to fix the problems both of money and of her house's image by marrying her (unnamed for now) son to the Cairhienin queen (also unnamed for now). The interesting thing to me about this is that it means that her conversation with Rand in the last episode probably did have an element of genuine sympathy for the Foregaters in it -- it sounds like she's also felt like she could lose her home and her place in society. And it's implied that she's an artist! I really loved seeing the sketches and paintings in her study.

6. The conversation between Lady Anveare and Moiraine is so painful! Moiraine is NOT here to engage emotionally with her younger sister -- she is here to find Rand and to try to keep Lanfear away from him, and she has no time or patience for anything else (as we saw with her behavior with Lan as well). It's clear how frustrated Anveare is with Moiraine's behavior. I'm assuming that she guessed straight-away that Moiraine's appearance here had to do with the mysterious redheaded boy who visited Logain and made an appearance at a party (because it's also made clear in this episode that Logain being sent to Cairhien was not 'business as usual' with male channelers but an oddity, which means that Anveare has probably been keeping an eye on the sanatorium ever since he arrived) -- if Moiraine actually had been willing to slow down and take tea with her here, I wonder if Lady Anveare would have just told her about Rand. But Moiraine "my loyalty is to the Dragon Reborn and him alone" Sedai does not have the patience for such things. I like that we're really seeing the damage that Moiraine's singlemindedness has been doing to her relationships with the people around her. It's not targeted at Lan! It's everyone who gets in the way of what she thinks she must do! The way Moiraine sweeps back into the house and just immediately starts giving orders!

7. Guilty Rand and Selene ready to take advantage of it (twisting the knife by blaming herself for the fire when of course she knows how it really started). She's so manipulative! I love how effective she is as a villain here. She's good at finding weak spots and exploiting them without giving away that she's aware of what she's poking at. And the facial expressions are just... on point, always. But Rand is worried that he'll hurt anyone if he's around them, and the more he cares, the more he worries.

8. Poor Nynaeve. The Accepted testing really put her through the wringer. I like that we only hear the flashback here and that we don't actually flash back to the test. It just happened last episode! We can remember it fine. They did a good job of showing why Nynaeve is currently feeling more emotionally connected to Liandrin (who also has a child, like Nynaeve has the memory of having a child) than to Egwene, who has not experienced anything like what Nynaeve has gone through. And Nynaeve needing to take that moment to remember and go back to put her ring on. Egwene is trying to hard to connect with Nynaeve but Nynaeve just... she was essentially 'trained' by her time as a Wisdom not to want to burden 'the kids' with her troubles (we see that in the very first episode when she launches her Bel Tine lantern separate from the rest of the village, not letting them see her mourn the people she's lost).

Also: the Accepted rooms are a big upgrade from the novice rooms!

9. We transition from Nynaeve feeling out of place to Lan feeling out of place. He has his hair down, similarly to how he had it in her vision of her AU future, but the quiet happiness that was on his face in that future isn't here now. This is a slower-paced episode for Lan and he doesn't get a big reveal at the end of the episode like we get in most of the other plotlines but if I think of it as an Alanna-focused plotline rather than a Lan-focused plotline, there is a reveal -- the poem and, potentially, the worry that Lan and/or Moiraine might be Darkfriends (we'll maybe find out next week if that's where her thoughts went or if she instead assumes that Moiraine is hunting Darkfriends or something similar).

I mean, thinking about the information that Alanna has:

a. discovers this poem which references the Daughter of the Night -- she doesn't even want to believe that Lan knows who it's referring to! Because of the Implications.

b. talks about how Moiraine changed twenty years ago, very abruptly (this is also likely when Moiraine and Siuan had their very public falling-out) and became colder "like ice".

c. Moiraine was willing to use Alanna to threaten Lan with a forced bonding, which Alanna went along with because Moiraine is her friend, but she may now be thinking about that in a different way -- why would Moiraine want to push Lan away that hard? (this would be leaning into the idea that Moiraine is a Darkfriend and Lan isn't)

It's pretty suspicious, when you think about it! So... if I think of this plotline as less about the show trying to tell us about Lan and more about Alanna: Investigator (mirroring Moiraine: Investigator in Cairhien) in Cairhien, then I feel more patient about the slower pace. And Alanna: Investigator has two co-conspirators that she trusts absolutely, which is a big contrast to Moiraine, as is her relationship with her family! Where Moiraine is cold and pushes away her only relative that we meet, Alanna is warm and teasing and clearly has maintained strong bonds with her large and loving family.

We get three very distinct and different types of ways that Aes Sedai deal with being Aes Sedai and how that affects their family: you can be the cheerful guardian angel of your extended family, like Alanna is (and Maksim and Ihvon are clearly fully part of the family as well, and adored by the children); you can cut them off entirely, like Moiraine has; or you can keep them a secret so that your enemies can't use them against you, like Liandrin has.

10. Alanna always being hungry is such a great character choice. I think I may have read that it was initially the actress's idea? But they are definitely playing into it this season and it works so well, on so many levels. She is a woman of strong appetites, who isn't ashamed to show it. And, like she did with Egwene and sex in 2x1, she's assuming here that Lan also has large appetites (for food, in this case).

11. This scene with Alanna does feel like it gives us a lot of information -- Maksim and Ihvon are on suicide watch for Lan (suicide is a big theme in this episode, actually), but Alanna doesn't think that's the issue here. We learn that Alanna plans to return to the Tower the next day, and we get the info drop about Moiraine's abrupt change twenty years ago. We also have Alanna feeling Lan out about his current plans. Despite what other characters say, Alanna herself doesn't much behave like she's planning to bond Lan imo. She mentions Nynaeve to him here and presents Nynaeve as the potential new option for him. But Lan was just told in 2x2 by Moiraine that he failed her as a Warder and he felt that too -- he wasn't able to protect her just by himself and so he's doubting himself.

In... certain ways, what Moiraine did to Lan over the last few months is not dissimilar to what Liandrin did to Mat, in terms of making them doubt themselves as a person. Their motivations were different but the results appear somewhat similar -- both Lan and Mat are adrift and not certain which direction to turn. "Where would I go?" seems to be the question on both their minds. Lan doesn't feel he would be any use to Nynaeve, just as Mat doesn't feel he would be any use to Egwene.

12. Moiraine looking at all the little pieces of her youth -- the dollhouse, the mirror, the books, the music box, the... cigars? And I love her silhouette her in Cairhienin dress. It's so distinctive. She allows herself some softness here, when she's alone, that she doesn't allow when she's around Anveare. Moiraine: Investigator is now out on the town! This scene is even more interesting knowing that Celestin (head of the sanatorium) sends reports to Lady Anveare. I wonder if Lady Anveare has already guessed that the redheaded boy is a man who can channel, given who he was interested in meeting and that Moiraine went to speak with him too.

13. Loved Moiraine and Logain's scene but, wow, very sharp and intense. She tries to bribe him with the wine and fails, but she does successfully bribe him with the promise of being allowed to kill himself if he does want she asks (which really puts it into perspective how terrible it is to lose the One Power). We get our explanation here of why the gentled false dragon was in Cairhien instead of Tar Valon (bait for Rand) and it's so good! Definitely a joint venture between Siuan and Moiraine -- I imagine that Moiraine penned her a desperate message as soon as she was able to, after realizing at the Eye that she'd screwed up by letting Rand leave. I imagine they also probably made it very public gossip that the false dragon was in Cairhien, explaining how Rand found out about it in the first place.

14. It does sound here like Moiraine's current plan is to stay in Cairhien so that Rand can learn from Logain, but it's very possible that discovering Lanfear in bed with Rand at the end of the episode has changed her plans. We will see!

...also I love Moiraine's pockets.

15. Poor Egwene trying to sort through her feelings, while Elayne does her best to be supportive. Elayne is very sensible-head here, which I appreciate. This isn't a situation that Egwene can 'fix' for Nynaeve, no matter how much she wants to help. It's a lovely and sweet moment between the two of them that shows their growing friendship, and we also get to see them doing chores at the same time, which shows us that Elayne is settling with the White Tower routine. Egwene feeling small and useless in the Tower. Baby. *hugs*

16. And then we get the flipside of things and see Nynaeve's discomfort in the Tower and with being Accepted. She tries to go to the Warder's training ground to find Maksim and Ihvon, but only finds a friendly Warder-in-training who has heard the hot gossip about her skills and is interested in presenting himself as a potential bonding option for her. We do see here that it's the specific friendships that she'd formed already that she was seeking out in the earlier episode when she sparred with Maksim and Ihvon, and not simply sword training itself.

17. Liandrin spots this conversation and then receives a message. This is where we get our discussion between Liandrin and Leane about the invaders on the western coast. The conversation is very vague with Leane, but then when she talks to Nynaeve later, Liandrin suddenly has a bunch of information about a specific group that was captured by the Seanchan. Given that we do find out in this episode that Liandrin is working with Ishamael (from the Mat & Min plotline), it's easy to guess where she got her information about Perrin and Loial's capture.

I love Leane's little shoulder wrap thing. The fashion in this show just vibes with me. I enjoy it. We do learn here that sisters were sent to investigate the attacks in the west.

I am very curious about what explanation they'll give for where Siuan currently is. They've made it a mystery and pointed out twice now that it's a mystery (both here and in 2x1, in the conversation between Egwene and Nynaeve).

18. Aw, wolves! This scene is great. Perrin gets some answers from Elyas, we learn about how the wolfbrother business works, Perrin learns that he isn't a werewolf, and we meet Hopper! What a cutie! I really liked the visualizations and the sendings of the wolves. We also learn that the wolves have been seeing Perrin's dreams.

I love how Elyas clearly is trying to help Perrin but his idea of help is just kinda... off from what Perrin thinks of help as.

I really like how seriously the show has taken Perrin's grief over Laila.

19. Lan has been obsessing over the poem, and Maksim catches him putting it away (explaining how Maksim knew where to look in the later scene). So... if I'm thinking about this storyline in terms of Alanna: Investigator, then Maksim talking to Lan here is just as much about trying to get information out of Lan as it is about trying to 'help' Lan get over his 'broken' bond with Moiraine.

"Have you ever known a marriage that is exactly the same another?" I do like that they are establishing that Warder bonds can come in all different kinds of ways.

20. Now we are back with Moiraine: Investigator, who is trying to figure out where Rand might have gone after the inn that he was staying in burned down. (I assume this conversation was also reported to Lady Anveare, lol)

21. Lanfear admits a small lie to Rand here (to get him adjusted to the idea that she can lie to him and it's okay?), saying that her family never came here, that it was actually her and her ex. Lanfear constantly talking about her ex with Rand: haha, I understand why he's just ugh, "Ugh, idk he sounds boring [aka I don't want to talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7]" especially since we know from the conversation later that Rand has caught feelings for 'Selene' even though he was trying his hardest not to. He's likely assuming that the ex was older and more sophisticated and it makes him feel young and unsophisticated in comparison when she keeps bringing said ex up.

The music here is so good.

22. Mat and Min! This is a cute interaction, though it's colored by the fact that the viewers know that Min is working with Liandrin. Mat is so so adorable here and I'm glad he was able to shed the coat for this scene. Also, Min paying the bartender to get Mat drunk (so that he'll sleep through her 'meeting' later).

23. This conversation with Nynaeve and Liandrin is so good and so manipulative. Liandrin is able to take the information that Nynaeve discovered (about her son) and use it for her own benefit. I do think there's a certain amount of regret for her that she's pulling the trigger on the plan that she was given to follow by Ishamael (from her apology later) but there's no hesitation. We know from the conversation with Min in a little bit that Ishamael makes promises. "I couldn't risk losing the only thing in this world that's truly mine." A reason to make a deal with Ishamael? And she offers the carrot here for Nynaeve to take -- people you love are in danger. She knows Nynaeve well enough to know that Nynaeve will take the bait, and likely assumes that Egwene will get swept along with Nynaeve (she saw how much Egwene cares about Nynaeve last episode).

It's only Elayne that was a 'complication'.

24. So, again, in the context of Alanna: Investigator... Ihvon trying to work out why Moiraine left Lan behind (and being the distraction), while Maksim and Alanna snoop in his stuff. We do also learn here that Alanna and her Warders all agree on their top priorities: the Light winning out over the Dark (and then dessert).

25. Genuinely enjoyed Anvaere successfully playing Moiraine. This is her city! She's the one who stayed! She knows the place and the people. And it's a good reminder to Moiraine that people who can't channel can be just as capable as those who can. She left Lan behind to protect him, but Lan is willing to risk his life for this, just as Moiraine is. Anvaere has been doing the hard work of re-establishing their house and family after their uncle did something that destroyed their reputations (unspecified). And Anvaere got what she was after from the beginning -- for her big sisters to sit down and have tea with her.

26. Elayne and Egwene's conversation here is very cute. Elayne has lived with duty all her life. She's just perfect in this scene (she's perfect).

Nynaeve not expecting Egwene to come with her has to be SUCH a blow for Egwene to hear. That Nynaeve has misunderstood her so badly, that she's believed that Egwene is after power for power's sake, rather because she wants to use that power to help people (and especially the people she loves).

And Elayne following them. So cute!

Of course, then Liandrin shows up. But it was very cute until then!

27. "No one escapes their fate. You know that better than anyone." This dream that Ishamael pushes on her, so that she'll be more receptive to his offer, really is so heartbreaking. No wonder she wanted to escape and travel and go as far away as she could. The show has done such a good job setting up believable emotional stakes for the characters.

The second that Min realizes who she really made a deal with, she wants to break it. And here is where we officially find out where Ishamael wants Mat to be led: to Cairhien.

Of course, Rand is in Cairhien. And Min had that viewing about Mat stabbing Rand. But she doesn't know that Rand is in Cairhien. Interesting puzzle pieces.

28. Once we know that Lanfear is a Forsaken, I feel like we can guess that she set up this entire scenario (ex. why are they sleeping outside? Selene said she wanted to, probably, to set up the scene properly) -- she brought the Fade here, she wanted Rand to use the One Power so that she could act out the part of Distressed Girlfriend Struggling With Learning Her Boyfriend Can Channel. She does such a good job, too. She really plays on his fears and how desperate he is to still feel like himself. You can really see how his heart his breaking when she pulls away from him.

Natasha and Josha are so good in this scene. There are so many levels. She also manages to continue to give surprisingly solid life advice, which is somehow incredibly hilarious to me. But I feel like Rand is, uh, probably going to believe all that advice is terrible now.

We also see that Rand is learning the sword but still isn't very good at it, as the Fade quickly disarms him and he needs to use the Power in order to protect himself and (probably more importantly to his mind) 'Selene'.

29. There is definitely a part of me that wishes that this had just been a romance scene. Rand getting tied up (and liking it)! 'Selene' literally thumbs open his mouth for their kiss! The way she kisses down his body and the expression on his face! It was a very very sensual scene, very well done. "You are the first woman who's seen me as a man" he tells her and I think he means that pretty precisely -- he loved Egwene but he still felt like a boy with her.

But instead of being a romance scene it's, you know, a deeply traumatic moment for Rand and will hamper his ability to engage in emotional intimacy (which will also potentially lead to other delicious angst in the future, though, I hope). We've definitely been getting a lot of trauma for our youngsters set up in recent episodes and we're only half-way through the season, so plenty of time for more trauma.

So far, we have:

a. Mat has been, essentially, emotionally sabotaged by months of Liandrin picking away at his brain; and we know that he's been set loose to follow a plan laid out by Ishamael which is not likely to lead to rainbows and puppies (I will have some theories in my later post with book spoilers).

b. Nynaeve suffered the trauma of the arches and now has been betrayed when she finally had come around to trusting and respecting Liandrin Sedai.

c. Perrin watching one of the men that he's been traveling with killed in an incredibly brutal way and being helpless to do anything about it. He also was told that what he is brings him closer to the Dark One.

d. Egwene has been the main target of all the 'fake-out deaths' in the show -- Nynaeve in episode 1 (which she believed until episode 6); Rand in the current season; and then Nynaeve again last episode.

e. After struggling with his identity all last season, and making the choice to abandon his friends for their own safety, Rand has built himself a new life but couldn't help himself from caring for the new people in it. Just as he'd given in to his emotions about Selene (who he has potentially been sleeping with for months at this point) and she appears to have accepted him as a male channeler! ...he learns that she's essentially a super-charged version of Dana (to simplify things). He literally gets covered in her blood while he watches helplessly, gets hit with incredibly distressing news that he can't question because he knows the person saying it can't lie, and then has to abandon this woman that he's come to love while she's lying dead on the floor and his sword still has her blood on it. Formative trauma centering around emotional intimacy and sexual engagement, table for one!

30. Alanna, Maksim, and Ihvon also realize here that one of the Forsaken is loose, which is gonna confirm their belief that the Last Battle is at hand. Alanna doesn't want to believe that Lan knows he's been carrying around a prophecy about one of the Forsaken, aww.

31. Lanfear reveal! This ending was so intense. Moiraine attacking Selene but explaining that she couldn't kill her and then that blink at the end. So good!

[nfumbewalk]

Them & Me

Work altar - a ritual with Rodolfo.

I'm being a dork and reflecting on my life & stupid exploits. I had a mini-breakdown (My 19th, Stones fans!) today. But seriously, bad day. Big fight with my husband. Thought I'd lose him. Dunno, he doesn't want to deal with my emotional crap anymore. I'm no fluffy kitten! I misbehave too much. I'm judging me, I'm not covering for a complete asshole. I'm the asshole. Klonopin turns me into a dick, no joke. Anyway, things are okay. We're 20 years in, think we're going anywhere? Nawww. 😂

I'm thinking of how different it is with muertos around me. It's mostly Rodolfo, but I get visitors too. I was sitting at Rodolfo's altar and I was glancing at the glass vase of water. I saw my dad's face! He was still older & bearded. I always had the thought that maybe ppl got to a younger state when they crossed over.

No, I was told that you remain your death age until elevation starts it's 2nd stage, which is called "Opening." It's this stage when the muerto can make more appearances, perhaps regularly - but only in fleeting glances, shadows, odors and minor disturbances like noises - footsteps or items falling down and occasional voices.

So why then do muertos have to wait to appear how they want to? It's all about what they did in certain stages of their life. There is judgement, no matter what religion, or no religion you are. There is this great cosmic force that helps people decide how they want to ruminate over the wrongdoings that they may have committed in life. Not everyone has done serious wrongs. These muertos go to the Grode. It's a place of stasis for them. Not in a bad way. They do not do duties, but they do visit the living, study & practice religion or their path, and generally ascend to the next step of elevation.

How does a muerto pay for wrongdoing? Duties. Helping tend to the place they stay, The Grode - but separate from the other muertos. This is kinda like limbo, a stasis. These muertos have duties, like I said. What do they do? It's their job to keep up the Grode's grounds, help other muertos, visit the living, and if they choose, practice their religion & study it and do their practices if they have any.

I said the muertos "pay" & there is "judgement" - not suffer pain eternally & burn in hell. Is having duties bad? Ya haven't made it to Freedom (Heaven) yet! People can be stuck in one of the 4 Stages of Elevation for a long time. I mean, lots of people haven't even Crossed Over because they haven't accepted their even dead!! My mom as an example. She died in 2006 & just barely accepted her death two years ago.

My dad accepted his death right away, was relieved, and Crossed earlier this year. He died August of last year. I've found that if a muerto in life was sick or in pain, not just old - elevation will be quick. I think my dad will be pretty fast. He was in a great deal of physical pain & had dementia - which broke my heart so much.

He worked so hard in steel & heavy equipment, foundries, and as a cook in restaurants to keep us off of food stamps. My parents didn't like sponging off the government. My dad was a simple country boy who didn't really match weird as fuck Portland, Ore. Though I grew up a city gal, I hate Portland now.

Sorry, guess I miss my parents. It's hard not having many living relatives. Though I could try to find some in Germany?!? Lol! Just realizing my family line has ended. Hopefully my son has children. All i have is my stupid atheist brother. Love him but his Adderall is melting his brain.

All of my talking about muertos & Elevation, the Grode, etc is to my knowledge truthful. Lorkane has said many many things that have come true for me, even as a child. I didn't know of Lorkane's name until recently. Just thought, "Oh! Intuition!" Naw, it was Lorkane. Durrr. "The Inevitable Spirit Guide" that I used to dread.

Well, dearies. Going to rest.

M.M. 💖💀💖

Did I capture the topic? Or did I slide too much? Post a comment! 😊

[fromtheo-withlove]

Pt. 4 - A Reunion

Finally get to bring in a bit of comfort, I hope you guys enjoy! It’s been such an amazing experience getting to share this story with all of you. Apologies in advance - it’s a bit of a long chapter but I’m hoping it’s worth the read.

TW: prisoner shackled, emotional whump, guilt and self-loathing, mention of injuries

Tag-list: @ihaveacrushonjester @tears-and-lilies @starnight-whump

Masterlist | Previous | Next

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Even before her mother had passed away 4 years ago, Princess Aurelia had always been incredibly close to her father. She treasured the time she got to spend with him and wanted to be like him when she became a ruler herself. Stories of the adventures and bravery of his youth were legendary and he had a way of charming everyone he spoke to. And Aurelia loved him.

But after watching Bennett and Gabriel’s arrival unfold and hearing about her father’s plans for them, she didn’t think she’d ever be able to see him in that light again. He had been different since the war began, quicker to anger, quiet, but she didn’t think he’d do something like this.

He had admitted Gabriel was an innocent in all of this, yet he let him think he was going to die, left him terrified and blindfolded while he played mind games. He had even whispered to her that he wasn’t going to actually let him die, but told her that he’d make it worse for him if she was uncooperative. She just couldn’t forgive him for all of this.

“Well,” she thought, “he may be acting like a stubborn monster, but I inherited every bit of that stubbornness and I’m not backing down either.”

She didn’t have any ideas on how to get Bennett and Gabriel out of this mess, but she was determined to see them at least, take care of them as much as she could.

It ended up being relatively easy to make it happen. She sought out Robert, the head of the castle guard, and he had ultimately agreed to let her visit the dungeons while one of the guards he trusted was on duty. He had known the princes when they were young. He had even given them sword lessons for a time and had been a tough teacher, but had a soft spot for them as well. It appeared he still did.

“Aye, war is war, but those boys were good lads. It’s a shame it’s come to this. I’ve told my guards to take it easy with them, but half this damn castle is hungry for their blood. They could use a friend in this mess.”

The guard’s first shift was that night, just past sundown. She passed the preceding hours pacing her room, gathering food and medical supplies to smuggle in, and trying to mentally steel herself for the reunions she was about to have.

The dungeon was vast, spanning the length of the castle. The king had ordered the princes be kept separately to avoid conspiring, as if they posed any threat in chains, shackled down. She was worried about Gabriel, but she decided to visit Bennett first. She needed answers and she needed a clear head for this conversation.

As the guard let her into Bennett’s cell, he reassured her that the prince would be shacked down and wouldn’t harm her. She almost laughed at the absurdity of the reassurance before remembering the crimes everyone believed Bennett committed. Rather than laugh, she nodded politely and thanked the guard as he closed the door and went back to his post.

It had already grown dark outside and the cell would have been pitch black if not for the glow of the lantern that Aurelia held. Luckily, she thought, there isn’t much here to light. The cell was small – enough space to pace in circles if the prisoner wasn’t shackled and enough room for them to lay down, but not much beyond that. Bennett sat in the corner looking tired and wary, his hands shackled behind him on a chain bolted to the floor.

He was the first to speak up. “Why are you here?” he asked, his eyes mistrustful.

She didn’t blame him for such a blunt greeting under the circumstances.

“I needed to see you, talk to you. Apologize. What happened earlier, the show my father put on…. It… shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry.” She slowly walked closer as she spoke, then kneeled down near him.

She raised her hand to place it on his shoulder, confirm to herself that he was real and there, but he flinched and pulled away from her reach.

“I don’t deserve your time or pity, Auri. I wish I did. God, I wish I did. Please just go to Gabriel, he’s the innocent one in all of this. And do you want to know the worst part? He has every reason to hate me and he’s probably more worried about me than himself.” He let out a bitter laugh. “You know how good he is and you’ve already heard how much of a monster I am. Just go.”

Aurelia gave Bennett a hard glance. “Benn, stop it with all the self-loathing and self-sabotage. I’m going to see Gabriel after this. Let’s not waste time with you trying to convince me to leave, unless you truly have no wish to see me.”

In truth, he desperately wanted her company and in that moment he couldn’t bring himself to lie and say otherwise. When he stayed silent for a few seconds, she continued talking.

“I came here because I wanted to see you. I’m a grown woman now, I can make my own decisions.”

He finally spoke up, more quietly than before. “I know you can, I’m sorry… You have every right to stay here, but I don’t know what to say.”

“Well I didn’t come here to throw around accusations, you faced enough of that today, but, please, help me understand how things got to this point. Did you really murder innocents in those villages? I- I just can’t believe that. I need to hear it from you, without an audience. How could the same boy I knew, the one who wouldn’t hurt a fly, ever do something like that?”

She said that she couldn’t believe it, but Bennett noticed her stumble on her words, saw the fear in her eyes at his response. He knew her doubt in him was deserved, but it still somehow hurt.

“That boy you knew was pathetic, weak, naïve. When I returned to Lianhar, I had to see that and grow up. It’s the way the world works, Auri.”

Aurelia shook her head sadly. “Your father really did a number on you.” She stayed silent for a moment before asking quietly, “Do you remember the baby bird?”

“Obviously I do… why?”

“Humor me, what do you remember about that day, Benn?”

He knew what she was trying to do, but it had been so long since he’d been spoken to with compassion and a part of him wanted it to last as long as possible. “Okay… We were probably 11, maybe 12. It was springtime. It was that time of year when it’s finally starting to get warm but the weather keeps changing. There was that crazy wind and rain storm. The day after the storm we were so excited to collect fallen sticks and build our own little fortress.”

“We never did get around to building one,” Aurelia remarked with a small smile.

Bennett paused for a moment at Aurelia’s remark, but didn’t want to dwell on unfinished childhood dreams. It hurt too much to think about. He continued.

“Gabriel was inside, probably reading some textbook. We went down to the old oaks, and there was the baby bird, almost hidden in the tall grass. He was so small, and cute in an ugly way, with his feathers still growing in.”

Aurelia smiled genuinely at the memory. “You were amazed by it, shouting at me to come over. Until you saw its broken wing. I told you there was nothing we could do, tried to comfort you, but you were so upset about it.”

He nodded. “I was sad. I think I named him Momo.” He felt the corner of his mouth creep up in a smirk, the closest thing he’d had to a smile in weeks.

“You weren’t just sad, you were heartbroken. You laid near it crying and talking to it for almost an hour.”

“Auri, I get it, I was an overly dramatic child.”

“No Benn, you were loving and hated to see anyone or anything suffering. That bird would’ve died without you.”

Bennett scoffed. “No, your memory is way off. Gabriel was the one who saved him. I just sat there like a blubbering idiot.”

“I know he mended its wing, but he wouldn’t have even known about the bird if you hadn’t refused to come inside for lunch. He did always have a knack for medicine, but it was your heart that saved the bird.”

Bennett’s slight smirk was gone. He grew silent and leaned against the cell wall, no longer looking at Aurelia. When he spoke again, his voice had hardened.

“Well, regardless, real life isn’t like that bird story. And like I said, I had to grow up.”

“So you’re saying that you did kill them? Those innocent people?”

“No Auri,” Bennett snapped, his tone more annoyed than he intended. “I didn’t myself, but what difference does it make if I held the blade or my soldiers did? I didn’t stop them. That blood is on my hands.” He finally looked back at her, eyes narrowed, “I’m sorry if that gets in the way of you reminiscing on idyllic childhood memories.”

Aurelia raised her eyebrows, but didn’t take the bait. “So was it your idea? A plan to show strength? Did you want to do it?”

“Stop, it doesn’t matter.”

Aurelia stood up. “Just answer the question,” she commanded angrily. The sight of Bennett flinching at her demand was like a bucket of cold water on her anger. She quieted. “Please Benn, I need to know. If you still have any feelings of friendship towards me, tell me the truth.”

“You’re going to play that card?” Bennett said angrily. “What do you want me to say? That I never grew out of my weakness? That I didn’t want to lead a battalion, but conceded after just 10 minutes of pressure from my father? That my men never respected me, that they resented me for not allowing them their fun? That they killed my squire and pretended he died in an enemy attack? That they made veiled threats when Gabriel visited with medical supplies? That they were ready to stab me in the back because they felt my tactics were too passive? And instead of stamping out the disloyalty or, even better, dying for my own morals, that I gave up and handed my second-in-command the reigns?”

As he spoke, the anger in Bennett’s voice began to soften, but the bitterness and pain remained. “It doesn’t matter if I didn’t want them to pillage villages or harm civilians, I took a coward’s way out and convinced myself that what they did was out of my hands. I didn’t think they’d go so far.” His voice started to break.

“I really didn’t think they would, Auri. It will haunt me for any days I have left. But I should’ve known what I was doing. A good leader would’ve avoided that bloodshed. When I was a child, I’d cry about the injustices of the world, but then I actually had the power to change things and I was too much of a goddamn coward.”

Aurelia stood staring at her friend, tears in her eyes. “So, now you know,” he whispered. “You can leave with your answers.”

Instead of turning to the door, the princess knelt down face to face with Bennett and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. The gesture broke down his last barriers, and he began to cry into her shoulder.

“Benn, listen to me. You were forced into an unfair situation from the start. You didn’t ask for any of this. You avoided innocent bloodshed for a long time. They killed someone close to you, threatened you and Gabriel. Put you in an impossible position. You do not deserve this.”

He continued to cry for a few minutes as Aurelia stroked his hair. It was better than he deserved, but he needed comfort more than he ever had and he knew there was a chance this embrace would be the last he ever received. He only regretted not being able to hug her back.

Eventually, he began to breathe more normally and Aurelia let him go.

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes. “I’ve been trying to change things for you both, I swear I’ve been trying, but… my father….”

“Auri, the fact that you even visited is more than I can ask for. I’ve already accepted that I’m not getting out of this mess, don’t anger your father over something impossible.” He paused, then continued, “But my brother…. I know it’s unfair to ask and it’s probably not doable, but if there’s any chance for Gabriel, if you see any way to convince your father to spare him, please try.”

“I promise I’ll keep trying, but I don’t want to give any false hopes about the odds.”

Bennett just nodded.

Aurelia’s eyes suddenly lit up as she remembered what she had smuggled in. “I almost forgot, I brought you some food!”

“I’m not sure I can stomach it right now to be honest.”

Aurelia looked skeptical. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Bennett didn’t even bother to answer the question. He sighed dramatically. “Fine, you’re right, I need food.”

“I knew it! You always hated to eat when you were stressed out, but then you’d end up exhausted and feeling worse.”

“I guess some things never change. Like you acting like a mother hen, trying to take care of me. “Benn, wear your jacket it’s cold. Benn, eat your breakfast. Benn, it’s not a good idea to jump off the stable roof into a tightly compacted bale of hay.” I guess I should’ve listened to you on that last one,” he said with a grin.

“And I guess I should just lean into the mother hen for today – I also brought medical supplies. Your shoulder and head looked injured earlier. Can I see them?”

He nodded. “They’re from the fight when I was captured, but they’re really not bad. I’ve had worse.”

She examined the wounds for a moment. “Okay tough guy, but they’re still pretty bad. I can’t leave anything visible like bandages unfortunately, but I’ll clean them out and apply some ointment to help numb them a bit. I’ll ask Robert if he’s willing to have the guards bandage them before tomorrow night, maybe under the guise of appearances for the banquet or something.”

The mention of the banquet brought Bennett back to reality. “Do you know what your father has planned?”

“No more than you do, I’m sorry. But I do know he plans to keep you both alive for a while, for better or for worse.”

Auri spent some time treating Bennett’s injuries, trying not to think about how many more she’d be caring for over the next few weeks. She needed to take things one day at a time.

When she was finished, she packed up her things and wrapped Bennett in one more hug. “I should go see Gabriel now, I can’t risk wandering around too late and having my father discover I’ve seen either of you. I’ll come back though, as much as I can.”

As she headed to the door, Bennett felt overcome with gratitude that she planned to come back. “Hey Auri?.... Thank you.”

-----

Keep reading: Next

[iam93percentstardust]

2020 Fic Recs Part 1

Hello everyone! If you saw @ad1thi‘s recent fic rec post going around, you know she got the idea from me. I had the idea a few months ago of doing a roundup of my favorite fics from 2020 at the end of the year because, let’s be honest with ourselves, I read a lot over the last twelve months, partially because this year, I really started settling into my own in fandom but mostly because this year was an absolute shitshow and I needed a distraction from everything going on outside my tiny apartment. I know it’s been a hard year for everyone and while there’s hope that next year might be a little better, there’s no guarantee so here are some of the fics that helped me get through this year. I hope you all like them as well.

Fics are organized by month and range over a variety of fandoms and ships. Since some of these are multi-chapters, I’ve organized them according to what date the last chapter posted. This got a little long so I’ve broken this up into 4 parts to be reblogged over the next two weeks.

January

Hope for the Holidays by @aurumacadicus (Winteriron)

Tony never expected to share Christmas with the man who killed his parents, but he's here now, so they should make the best of it.

Woodash and iron and leather by LokelaniRose (Geraskier)

Jaskier is the only person Geralt's ever been around who doesn't smell of fear

Happiness: A Song in Three Parts by @newtypeshadow (Stuckony)

Tony's just a kid when he first hears the music. He's human, no one knows werewolves exist yet, and there's no sexy beefcake couple Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes coming out as werewolves and giving interviews to the press to explain the melody Tony heard sporadically during childhood is what werewolves—and the human mates of werewolves—hear when their soulmate is within a few miles of them.

By the time he finds out what the music means, he hasn't heard a note in years.

And when he finally hears it again, he's busy running for his life.

Heart in Hand by janonny (Stevetony)

Steve had been thinking — that was all he was doing, thinking, not moping, as Bucky described it — about the best way to make his feelings clear to Tony. He wanted it to be perfect. He needed it to be the best demonstration of sincere interest that Tony had ever received.

Bucky called it procrastinating, but Steve called it strategizing.

And this Courting Ceremony? It was perfect.

Now he just needed to figure out what to get Tony as a Courting gift. And what to wear. And what to say. And what to do.

-

Or the story where Tony, an Omega, holds a much belated Courting Ceremony. Steve joins up and loses his mind a little.

something i can treasure by theredtailedhawkwithjewelsforeyes (Geraskier)

Jaskier would not call himself a thief. But, well- he is elbow-deep in someone’s saddlebags, pulling up handfuls of pretty little bottles. They’re all filled up with jewel-bright potions, corked delicately, and they almost seem to hum in his hands.

Then, suddenly-

There’s the sharp point of a sword at his neck.

Lock & Key by sablier_bloque (Geraskier)

“Geralt, it’s not what it looks like.”

“Really?” he asked. He clenched his jaw before offering a sharp, mirthless smile. “Because it looks like you got caught fucking the mayor’s wife, and now I’m not getting paid!”

“Well,” he laughed nervously, looking anywhere but up. “When you put it that way.”

In which Jaskier suggests a chastity device to prove himself a worthy travel companion, and of course, gives Geralt the key.

February

A hard curl of satisfaction by LokelaniRose (Geraskier & Yenalt in V-shaped polyamory)

Geralt was taught that a witcher is only good for one thing

Half Agony, Half Hope by @no-gorms (Stevetony)

Following the Battle of New York, the Avengers Initiative kicks into high gear under the leadership of Steve Rogers, i.e. Captain America. Tony didn’t mean to become part of this initiative, but it makes sense to sign on due to his experience with SHIELD and Rhodey’s War Machine suits.

The upside: Tony’s tech can be used in a widespread and meaningful way to help protect people. The downside: the last time Tony saw Steve, he’d rejected Steve’s proposal of marriage and broke his heart, leading to almost ten years of the two having no contact whatsoever. Until now.

when the bones are good by SummerFrost (Geraskier)

Julian is six when he realizes that he's got an astounding capacity for being an annoying bastard. He's seventeen when he finally decides to lean in.

Where There’s a Witcher by ghostinthelibrary (Geraskier)

Jaskier is a twentysomething recently unemployed journalist and amateur musician looking for his big break. So when he’s saved from the jaws of a wyvern by the infamous Butcher of Blaviken, Geralt of Rivia, he comes up with a brilliant idea: he’ll follow the Witcher around and sing about their exploits. He’ll gain fame and fortune and Geralt will get a much needed image rehab. Everyone wins.

Unless Jaskier goes and falls in love like an idiot.

my body bruises at your touch by brawlite (Geraskier)

To lure a monster out, Geralt ties Jaskier up, making him look like easy prey. Surprisingly, Jaskier finds himself enjoying his time as bait a bit more than expected.

Do it Again by thisgirlsays22 (Geraskier)

By the twentieth time Geralt has gone through the loop, he decides to just throw himself off the cliff’s edge after Borch.

He wakes up to his twenty-first attempt.

“Fuck.”

The Song of the White Wolf by sospes (Geraskier)

“It’s a wolf, not a dog,” Geralt says flatly.

“It’s hurt.”

“It’s a wolf.”

“I’m helping it,” Ciri says, ignoring him, and turns back to the wolf.

But when is a wolf not a wolf? When it's everyone's favourite humble bard, of course!

March

Even Steel Blades Need Fire by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Geraskier)

Jaskier's given a lot to Geralt over the years, but there's one tiny, insignificant, minor molehill of a thing he's kept back from him.

Namely that Jaskier isn't human.

Mission Accomplished by @riotwritesthings (Winteriron)

Tony has had a terrible, rotten, no good day. Fortunately, he knows exactly what he needs to feel better.

With a Conquering Air by inexplicifics (Geraskier)

From the kinkmeme: AU Warlord!Geralt receives Tribute!Jaskier as a sacrifice to appease him in every way possible. Jaskier has no choice on the matter and he’s fully aware of the awful rumours that have spread about Geralt and his ruthless conquests. (But we all know those aren’t legit.) A classic angst with a happy ending please! A dash of smut to heal those scars and a sprinkle of new found love!

Jaskier arrives at Kaer Morhen knowing his family gave him up without a second thought, and absolutely sure that the dreaded Warlord of the North will value him even less than his own blood did. But the White Wolf and his pack are not what Jaskier expected...and if he's unreasonably lucky, Kaer Morhen might become far more of a home than Lettenhove ever was.

play out a spell in your sequence of chords (to inspire and sharpen our rusted swords) by AceSailorKoshkaRayn

Geralt cocked his head to the side curiously to regard the chittering fox caught in the hunter's trap. The beast had deep chestnut fur and eerily bright blue eyes. He knelt, and the creature hissed at him, baring his teeth in fear.

"I mean you no harm," he rumbled, hands palm-up. His swords were at his campsite, regardless. He reached forward slowly, and the fox didn't move, though it's teeth remained bared. It was a simple matter to pry open the trap, and the fox leapt away, chattering its teeth at him. Their eyes met for a long moment, amber to fantastical blue, and the fox dashed off.

Sighing faintly, hands resting on his knees, Geralt bowed his head tiredly. He rolled his neck to crack it, and rose to his feet to shuffle his way back to his camp.

Set out neatly next to his bedroll were three cleanly gutted rabbits, and Geralt paused in surprise. Roach whinnied softly, and stamped a hoof. A crown of golden wheat rested primly between her ears.

Ah. Fae, then. Services paid for services rendered. Hopefully the fae would consider them even, now, but something in him doubted it.

[bittersweetmelxdy]

Title: sometimes it’s best to leave it at first impressions Pairing: Victor x MC Words: 1,852

Note: so in reply to the post made by the amazing @op-peccatori and added to by so many other amazing people, I made have kinda... rewritten MC and Victor’s first meeting in period AU style. I will accept all criticism on this because it was actually surprisingly difficult for me to adjust everything in their first meeting to the regency era whilst still being true to character, so I hope I managed to capture this well, I may write other parts to this depending on response.

“You will not believe this!” Kiki ran into the drawing room screaming, the door flying open with a bang.

The two seated women sat calmly waiting for Kiki to relay the news.

“Well?” Kiki said, “Do you not wish to know what I just heard in town?” She threw out her hands expectantly and you watched as Minor slipped into the room behind her.

“Minor, do you know?” you asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, we were in town and we spotted my friend Gavin-”

“I thought Gavin only tolerates you?” Willow mused teasingly.

“As I said we saw MY FRIEND Gavin,” Minor glared at Willow as the rest of you laughed, “And then Kiki went to the dressmakers for a new bonnet, where she saw-”

Kiki pushed Minor out of the way, “Oh, skip to the good part! I saw Page at OUTSIDE the dressmakers,” she threw a glance at Minor, “And LFG, you know the big estate 4 miles from here, well guess what? The owner is returning!”

“No way! LFG will finally be inhabited, wow however we will go on with our lives?” You sighed, swooning dramatically, Minor and you sharing a high-five at Kiki’s huff as she sat down noisily. LFG being the town’s nickname for the estate as the full name always felt like a mouthful.

“Wait I thought you liked that musician, what’s his name Kiro?” Willow asked placing her hand on Kiki’s shoulder to placate her.

“Kiro will always be first in my heart, but I heard from Page who heard from Bella who heard from the Millner's who heard from the gardener that the owner is rich and-”

“Well he has to be rich to own LFG.” You snarked.

“Like I was saying, he is rich, exceptionally handsome and-” Kiki dragged out the last word for effect, but she was interrupted once again by a maid knocking lightly on the door.

“Yes Maria?” You asked.

“A letter for you ma’am.” Maria handed you a wax-sealed letter, before curtseying and leaving the room.

“What does it say?” Everyone asked crowding around you as you broke the wax-seal on the letter, unfolding the letter.

You read the first words, noting that you didn’t recognise the handwriting, when the first sentence caused you stand indignantly breaking from the others. As you finished the letter you paced back and forth across the drawing room, the others watching you in confusion. When you stopped, looked at them huffing in anger, and shaking the letter at them, before going back to pacing.

“So, what does it say?” Willow asked.

“You- He- I-” You threw stamped your foot, “How dare he! This is my father’s legacy! This is my inheritance; who does he think he is!” you yelled.

“Y/N, what is going on?” Minor asked gently.

“That-!” You breathed out to gather your thoughts, “The new owner of LFG, says that my father’s charity, is “a risk to his income” and he is now “moving his investment to more lucrative operations”, our charity is the lifeblood of this town! How dare he!” you ranted, adopting a mocking tone as you quoted the letter.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Willow stood as well, “LFG are pulling their investment from the charity because of last few years’ troubles?”

“It wasn’t our fault; yes, we’ve never been the most sought after, but we’ve always had a consistent attendance at all our galas and we’ve helped fund so many ventures within Loveland.” You finished dejectedly.

“So, what do we do?” Kiki asked a little scared, “Y/N?”

You thought about it before snapping your fingers, “I’ll go to LFG now, and I’ll convince him not to pull our investment.” You started walking over to the front door

“But our carriage is in for repairs, how will you get there?” Minor asked as the others followed you.

“I’ll walk, it’s barely 4 miles, I should get there around noon.” You said pulling on your gloves and overcoat before sitting down to lace up your boots deftly.

“Good luck.” your siblings called to you as you stepped out the door and began to make your way to LFG.

Victor had been travelling for the last three days as he travelled back to his estate from the Capital where he was in meetings with other land owners and business owners. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he sighed deeply. He hoped that Goldman had been able to keep the estate standing in his absence but with how nervous Goldman is he sincerely doubted that. He moved the shades of the carriage to see outside, casually thinking back to the young woman he had saved the other day, the memory causing him to huff out a slight laugh in recollection. ‘What kind of dummy almost walks in front of a moving carriage’ he mused, shaking his head in amusement. The voice of his footman jolted him out of his thoughts.

“Sir we are approaching the estate now.” the footman called.

Victor nodded, picking up the papers beside him and perusing through them, losing himself in them as the carriage trundled closer to the estate.

“Miss, the Master is not to be disturbed, please lead her out.” Goldman’s slightly muffled voice could be heard from a distance.

“Please I just need an audience with him, I won’t take up too much of your time.” Victor frowned hearing a woman speak with both authority and the volume at which she was speaking was above what one could consider proper behaviour.

He made his way towards his study, deciding not to deal with the woman who obviously seemed to be no more than a gossip seeking to gather information to laud over others in drawing rooms across the small town. However, as he came closer, he did hear her mention the name of her estate to Goldman, and he mentally ran through where he had heard that name before, before he remembered, that was the charity that wasn’t worth his investment, as it was too much of a flight risk.

“Why are you here?” He asked, as he stopped in front of her.

“It’s you!” she almost shouted shocked, pointing a finger at him in disbelief, shocking Victor a little. “Um... I’m here because the last gala we organised had a great response, so I was hoping you would reconsider pulling your funding from us.” the fact that Victor Li was the same man that saved you days ago was throwing you off slightly.

“Why should I do that?” Victor cut you off dismissively.  

“Because of the success of the last gala, please I can break down the long-term benefits caused by last gala for you if you give me a second.” You stood in shock as Victor had the audacity to laugh a bit at your explanation.

Victor had never seen such a petite woman bottle up so much rage in her being that she was trembling from anger. And then she raised her eyes to meet his and he could swear that time in that second froze completely. Her big bright eyes captivated him in an instant, the big bright eyes looked at him as if she could set the ground aflame with her gaze, and Victor in that moment believed she could. She took a deep breath, steeling her gaze maintaining constant eye contact and held one finger in front of him, presenting it decidedly a couple of inches from his face, and despite her windblown hair and mud-stained hems she commanded his attention in raptures, and Victor couldn’t help but feel like he’d seen her somewhere before. Shaking his head, he made his way past her into his study.  

“Wait-” you blinked twice in wide-eyed shock as Victor slammed the door. In. Your. Face.

“Alright you said your piece, leave now.” Goldman held his arm in an obvious attempt for you follow his direction and leave the manor.

“No, I can’t... If I leave now, my family.” You panted out, dejectedly, and moved to take a step, following Goldman’s direction, before the faces of your sibling’s flashed through your mind, and finally your father, steeling your resolve once again your pushed past Goldman and planted your feet before the door.

“Victor Li, I’ll make you regret this!” you yelled at the closed door, feeling a sense of catharsis as you let out your anger, deflating.

“Goldman send a runner to the owner of B.S, to reschedule the meeting to Tuesday.” Victor reappeared in the now open doorway, making your blood start to chill.

‘Did he hear me?’ you wondered a little scared and wide-eyed.

“I’ll regret it?” Victor teasing voice lilted over you, and the teasing spark in his eyes only caused your anger to grow.

“Two weeks.” You finished by tilting you chin up in a haughty manner, and Victor noted how your eyes looked afire with your anger, his smirk deepening in response.

“I beg your pardon?” Victor crossed his arms a smirk tugging at his lips at the bite of the little dummy in front of him.

“In two weeks, I will have a gala proposal that will make you reinstate your investment with us.” she declared, flaring her nostrils in defiance.

“One week, or don’t even bother coming back.” was his final response.

You huffed watching the man you now knew as Victor Li closed the door to the study slowly once again, and you bit your lip thinking that Kiki was right ‘He is exceptionally handsome’, before shaking your head forcefully as if to banish the very thought from your mind. Before turning with a loud swish of your skirts, and making your way back out of the front doors, breezing past Goldman and pausing on the drive of the estate turning back to look back at where you assumed the study window was, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear as you reflected on your interaction with the new neighbour. It was strange that this cold man and the warm presence that saved you days before were the same man, his person puzzling you exceedingly.  

‘Well Victor, let’s see who you are.’ you thought, determined to not only figure out this puzzling man but also to show him you meant what you said.

Victor stood just behind the curtains in the study window shrouded in the shadows of the room as he watched the petite woman walk down the drive before pausing to turn and look back at the manor, right into his window, however due to the shadows and where he was standing, he could see her but she couldn’t see him. He watched her until she eventually turned back and continued her journey home.

“I won’t save you a second time.” Victor said to the retreating figure, deciding to put from his mind the intriguing woman, as he turned to pick up his files and sit down at his desk.

The glance he threw back at the drive of his house, it was purely coincidental, and had nothing to do with a pair of bright eyes that had captured him in an instant.

[realfuurikuuri]

MissingArm!AU Chapter 4: I Would Give You Until The Count of Ten, but I Can Only Count To Five

Side note: I’m bad at basic math and it turns out the last chapter was mislabeled for Tumblr. Whoops.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Alright, back with a new chapter. A little later than before, but hey what the heck can you do. Regardless, I think this one is pretty fun. I’ve figured out how to put that banner at the top of things (turns out you hit share on Ao3, who woulda thought) which makes these post look way smoother than before. The song rec this time is A Left Foot Trapped in A Sensual Seduction (which the weebs among us will remember being Alucard’s theme from Hellsing). As always check out @spookylovesboba she’s great, and enjoy the chapter. 

Direct Link to chapter 4 on AO3: XXXX

Chapter below the cut

Badgerclops ran through town tired and short of breath, wondering where that feral cat bastard went. Sweetipies turned their heads when they saw Badgerclops him.

“Does Mao Mao have the hose again,”  one asked.

“Is Muffin giving out free samples, again,” asked another.

Assholes.

Badgerclops stood on top of a park bench, turning his hand into a megaphone. “Mao Mao,” he called out. “Mao Mao! Mao Mao!”

God, he felt like a green plumber looking for his brother in a haunted mansion. Badgerclops chuckled a bit at his own joke. Maybe he should have said hotel instead of a mansion to make it more current. Badgerclops stopped examining the intricacies of his own comedy when he noticed Pinky waking up to the table with a suspicious jar of mayo in his hands.

“Goss,” Badgerclops said.

“Me or the mayo?”

 “Both. Get out of here, Pinky.”

“What are you doin?”

“None of your business.”.

“Are you looking for Mao Mao?”

“Have you seen him?”

“No.”

Badgerclops shot the jar of mayo with his arm cannon. Seeing Pinky mourn did brighten his day a little. Not enough. He still needed to find Mao Mao.

“Hey! Get off of me!”

The noise snapped Badgerclops out of his thoughts. He panicked. Was it too late? Had Mao Mao already done something he’d regret? Badgerclops hurried in the voice's direction, already making plans for a quick exit. He'd already made their packs. Even a third one for Adorabat in case she was brought along, although he doubted they’d keep her. Maybe they’d ditch her at the castle? Badgerclops slapped his face and shook his head. Now wasn’t the time to be stressing about that. Now was the time to find Mao Mao.

Badgerclops rounded the corner and breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t Mao Mao. It was just Rufus getting harassed by some dog. Why was Rufus still here? He should’ve skipped town ages ago.

“Hey!” he called out nearly making Rufus jump out of his own skin.

Rufus pushed the dog away from the bouquet and snacks that the dog was after. “What do you want,” he sneered.

“Okay, one: rude. Two: don’t be so rude to the guy who can throw you in jail, Three: you don’t ask me what I’m doing; I ask you what you’re so what are you doing?”

Rufus pushed Badgerclops' finger away. “I’m visiting my friend that the blasted sheriff put in the hospital!”

Oh right, the raccoon. Kind of cute that he was still waiting for his friend.

Not cute enough to keep Badgerclops from picking the fox up and shaking him like a can of soda.

“I don’t care about your friend! I’m looking for Mao Mao!  Have you seen him?”

“Mao Mao? You mean the black cat?”

“Yes!”

“The one wearing the red cape?”

“Yes!”

“Carrying the golden sword?”

“Yes! Yes! For the love of God, yes! Just tell me where he is!”

“Alas, I haven’t seen him anywhere,” Rufus said with the smarmiest of smiles.

“Okay, you know what,” Badgerclops said, setting the fox back down. "I’m trying to keep someone from being murdered and ya'll are being, like, super ungrateful.”

The dog barked in protest.

“Yeah, that includes you.”

Badgerclops picked the dog up to pet it while he thought. The dog was a milky brown Shiba-Inu. Nothing notable aside from the fact that it had a sword on its back and a necklace. No. It was an amulet around its neck. Badgerclops didn’t pick the dog up just to look at it, he wanted to know who it belonged to. Where in the hell would a sweetipie get a dog and why hadn’t he seen it before? To Badgerclops’ dismay, there wasn’t any address stamped on the collar, but there was a name: Bao Bao .

Badgerclops rubbed his eyes and read the collar again. It still said Bao Bao.

He grabbed Rufus by the collar and used his jacket to wipe at the collar until it shined. Surely enough, it still read Bao Bao.

What? What? This dog was Bao Bao! A dog! A fucking dog! What the shit? Mao Mao described him as an evil barbarian with enough guile to pose as a hero and the psychopathy to abandon a kid whose arm was crushed by a rock! Not a dog! Not a fucking dog!

Badgerclops rubbed his temples, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He should have expected this. He was the most overdramatic motherfucker to ever motherfuck, but damn dude. Whatever he resolved to accept that Mao Mao’s worst enemy was literally an animal. He just needed to kick the dog out of the valley and wait for Mao Mao to calm his tits. No, that wouldn’t do. If no one caught Mao Mao he’d definitely kill someone.

Badgerclops pushed the dog into Rufus’ hands. “Take this dog and get him out of the valley. I don’t care how it gets done. Just do it,” he ordered.

“What? I’m going to visit my friend and besides I don’t have to do anything you say.”

Badgerclops pointed his arm at Rufus, letting it shift into the high powered cannon. “C’mon just take the dog away, you know, before someone gets hurt.”

“Alright just don’t shoot me! I don’t wanna be shot!”

“There we go. Now get out of here before someone -and by someone I mean you- gets messed up.”

 Badgerclops watched Rufus turn away to finish his task.

Thump!  

Badgerclops stopped.

He turned around just in time to see a black blur with a streak of gold.

It was Mao Mao!

Badgerclops swung around brandishing his arm, opening his eye, taking careful aim. The window was more narrow than a pinhole. He watched and waited. He watched Rufus see the sword and scream in terror. He waited for Mao Mao to swing his sword with all his might.

Now!

Badgerclops let loose a net. The wound-up ball slowly spread out, snagging Mao Mao out of the air, pinning him against the wall. Badgerclops ignored Mao Mao to put his fingers to Rufus’ neck. The fox's eyes had rolled back, and foam had gathered in the corners of his mouth;The look made Badgerclops’ fur stand on end. He breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from his brow when he finally felt a pulse. The fox was definitely not fine, but he wouldn't die anytime soon. Although, the scare shaved years off his life.

Once was done with Rufus; he had to deal with Mao Mao.

Mao Mao strained against the net fruitlessly. Bao Bao looked up at his old friend, shivering, ears folded back with tail between its legs. Mao Mao probably couldn’t even hear the dog’s whimpers. He screamed at the top of his lungs. It was had no expletives. It had no threats. It only had a long, grueling explanation of his pain.

Badgerclops reached over, petting Mao Mao behind the ears. “Alright dude, let’s just chill and- “

Mao Mao quickly snapped at Badgerclops’ hand. His teeth clanging against the steel.  “C’mon dude, don’t do that. I don’t want to schedule a trip to the dentist.”

He let go of Badgerclops’ hand with a huff, but he still had that dark flame burning in his eyes.

“Badgerclops,” Tanya said, dropping down from the rooftops,” Is everything alright?”

“I’ve got things all tied up,” he said pointing to Mao Mao who didn’t find his joke amusing.

Tanya faced Mao Mao with a sullen look in her eyes. She reached out her paw to wipe a tear from his eye. Mao Mao shook her comfort away with an angry grunt. “Oh, Mittens,” she quietly cried. Tears began to fall down the Tanuki’s face, but Mao Mao didn’t notice or didn’t care.

“You should probably take Bao Bao and go before-”

Badgerclops was interrupted by a screeching roar echoed throughout the kingdom. Badgerclops facepalmed his own stupidity. He was so focused on the Bao Bao part of the message that they completely forgot about the monster. He could see the smoke, hear the screams as it rampaged.

“Tanya." He gave a slight nod of his head," where's Adorabat?"

“I left her at the house.”

Damn the fact that she was a responsible adult. She shouldn’t have to see this, but he did wish she was here. He and Tanya were the only ones who could fight; the dog was a maybe, and Mao Mao was still in the net.

“You think we can take it?”

“I… don’t know. Maybe?”

Fantastic. The moment he thought he had things under control they go right back to shit.

Badgerclops didn’t know how he knew to turn around. It was instinct. He saw the wall behind Mao Mao began to crack and crumble as the monster charged through. The beast was  large, green and scaly, like a snake with four legs. It moved like one too. Delicately turning on a dime, clinging to the side of a building while it stared them down.

His small hope that the beast would leave them alone was squashed when the monster saw the amulet around Bao Bao’s neck.

It lunged forward. Mouth open to show a wide maw. In a narrow alley like this, there was nowhere to run. It could probably get them all in one quick gulp. Badgerclops supposed such a terrible end fit such a terrible day.

A naïve thought.

Mao Mao stepped in front of the beast, sword on his back to block the teeth, heels digging into the ground as he forced the charging beast to a slow stop. Tanya, Bao Bao, Badgerclops, and the Mao Mao stopped in sheer confusion and awe. The monster didn’t hesitate. Its tail lashed at Mao Mao from the left, ripping at his skin like a whip. The tail lashed Mao Mao from the right, forcing him to stagger.

The third strike whistled through the air, barely blocked by Mao Mao’s sword. The next lash came with enough force to knock Mao Mao of balance despite blocking it. He parried the next strike, yet it still sent him cartwheeling through the air.

The second his feet touched the ground he was off. A black blur with a streak of gold. The gold cut the tip of the beast tail causing the monster to howl in pain before being silenced with a plunging attack through its skull. Badgerclops hates to admit it, but the bastard cat carried the sheriff's department.

He pulled his sword out of the monster and hopped down off the corpse. He dragged his sword on the ground behind him as he walked forward. His movements were smooth, flowing like a steady stream. Despite wearing an inviting smile, the dark flames in his eyes were raging like a wildfire.

Tanya stepped in front of him before he could get any closer. “Stop. Just… for the love of god stop, and let the dog go.”

“You’re right. I just want to... apologize to Bao Bao. Wish him well,” Mao Mao said with an almost cartoonishly large and toothy smile.

“Do I look some fucking clown to you? I know you’re lying! Just put the  sword down and let the dog go.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just want to say apologize to my childhood friend-”

SMACK!

Tanya interrupted Mao Mao with a strong slap across the face.

When he turned back the smile was gone; the dark flames still burning.

“Move,” he commanded.

“Why do you have to be like this,” she asked, her voice rising in pitch. “Can’t you just let things go? Whatever Bao Bao -this dog- did to you is in the past. It already happened and you can’t change it!”

“I know nothing can change it. I don’t expect it to. I’m not trying to change anything. I’m just trying to do some justice,” he said with a voice as cold as stone, “so, I’ll tell you once again: move.”

“No!”

Mao Mao didn’t hesitate to push past her, knocking her to the ground while he brought his sword down. Bao Bao quickly hopped out the way. Mao Mao followed the dog close behind, stabbing down over and over again, the calm facade splitting at the seams as his frustration grew.

“I’ll kill you,” he screamed, finally cornering the dog. He raised his sword up as Bao Bao looked up in terror.

Badgerclops grabbed his arm before he could finish. “Calm down! He’s just a dog-”

Mao Mao spun around, dropping the sword, tears welling in his eyes. “That dog ruined my life !”

“He did this! ” He pulled back the cape to reveal the stub of his left arm.

He picked the sword back up, raising it high over his head. “And I’m going to do it to him!”

Tanya was quick.

In a puff of smoke one, Bao Bao turned into thirty. In the second that Mao Mao stopped in confusion, she dashed forward, snatching the real one away before Mao Mao cut the horde into bits.

“Bao Bao,” he screamed,” get back here!”

Badgerclops tackled him to the ground before he could give chase. “Bao Bao! Bao Bao!” he screamed and screamed until his voice went hoarse.

* * *

Mao Mao lay in bed at HQ with his blanket tucked over his head. He felt like shit. Stopping the monster’s charge wore down the flesh on his feet to the bone, despite the monster's teeth stabbed seven holes into his back, one dangerously close to his spine, but the physical pain didn’t matter much. It was his feeling that were tearing him apart. It was one part burning rage; another part nauseating shame.

He heard footsteps approach. It couldn’t have been Adorabat cause she liked to fly (where did she go); they were too heavy to be Tanya’s (not like she wanted to speak to him anyway), so it had to be Badgerclops.

“How ya feeling,” he asked.

Mao Mao let out a small grunt.

“Camille said you should be fine. Just take it easy. Don’t try to jump around or anything.”

He made another small grunt.

“You feeling okay?”

Mao Mao nodded from under the blankets.

“Good to hear. Just get some rest, man.”

“What about Bao Bao,” he grumbled out. His throat was still raw and sore from all the shouting.

“Tanya took him with her.”

Mao Mao let out a shuddering sigh.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Mao Mao nodded more forcefully this time.

Badgerclops scooped Mao Mao up into his arms. Cradling the bundle of blankets and clutching him close. “Listen, I know we all have our issues and hangups, and I know this day has been hard for you-”

“You don’t.”

“Hm?”

“You don’t know how hard it's been for me! I hate-  hate - that dog. He’s everything wrong with me! I wanna wring his stupid little head from his silly little body!” Mao Mao choked on his words,” I wanna- I wanna…”

Badgerclops pet him behind the ears,” what do you want?”

“...I want to be alone for a bit.”

“How about this,” Badgerclops said,” I can take Adorabat camping for the weekend? We’d be back Sunday. You’d have the house to yourself. How does that sound?”

“Yeah,” Mao Mao slowly nodded,” Yeah, that sounds nice.”

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Infinity War (4)

CHAPTER 4: REINDEER GAMES

Loki & The Avengers

Summary: A work inspired by @queencfthestarsdrfoster ‘s post of the universe where Loki is alive and Thor is avenged.

Series: Will contain all- and more- that we saw in Infinity War. Will not contain smut and fluff for obvious reasons. Might contain weird humor though.

Chapter content: it just is.

Warnings: …none?

Word count: Ever had that feeling of..idk how to describe it...like a bad kind of nostalgia? Going back to the place that sort of where all your bad anxiety attacks and depressions started? Ever had that? I had that. Today. When I went back to the place from where this year started for me. It feels...so weird. Soooo weird. And to think I have keep going back there for the next two weeks.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

“Twenty minutes.”

Peter’s eyes look up to see his mentor grinding his teeth with his arms crossed across his chest in defiance to everything that is going, which, obviously, includes this very tall very handsome God- who had tried to take over New York a few years ago- who now stands in the Sanctum with a goblet in his hand, sipping slowly while observing all the things around him. He is all up to stand by Tony’s side but for this very vague time stamp the supposedly evil guy with really good hair just gave out of the blue.

“Okay,” Peter finally breaks apart, “I am all for Team Stark, Mr. Stark but you really gotta talk to Mr. God sir over here. He saved Mr. Wizard’s life after all?”

Tony’s gaze falls on Peter, sending his spidey senses tingling in the worst possible manner. Oh, this is bad, is all Peter can think right now, really bad. “Kid, why the heck are you even here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be here?” He nearly squeaks in persuasion. “One minute my spidey senses were tingling and the next thing I know I’m-”

“Your what?” For once Loki and Tony have the same reaction in the room, focused purely on Peter.

“Oh, now you two vibe!” Peter huffs at them, forcing them to steal a look at each other before coming back to the kid.

“Did you already have a spawn the last time I was in New York, Stark?” Loki asks with genuine curiosity.

“Did I what now?” Tony has to shake his head to register Loki’s words inside his brain.

“A spawn,” Loki continues to elaborate on what he means, “a brood. Progeny? Pup? Cub? A baby!” Pausing at every synonym to wonder if any of it was being understood.

“Y-I get it!” Tony nearly shouts, “And no! He’s not my spawn?” The scrunch on his face at the last word makes both Loki and Peter twist their lips at him. “He’s my mentee. My-”

“I don’t care about the details,” Loki interjects before turning to Peter, “just don’t learn to be the impulsive self-sacrificing mess that is your mentor, okay?”

Tony takes offense with a wounded gasp, but that doesn’t stop the God from talking. “Because of all the intelligent life form on this planet, only this one was able to see the imminent threat. Just a bit too late, might I add. Because even this intelligent dumb twat could not gather the last time we met all the hints I had left for him!”

Tony stepped closer to Loki, Peter took a step back- clearly sensing the steam coming off the former. “Last time we met I was wiping the floor with your ass, you dipshit!” Tony is hissing through his teeth now, his breath fanning Loki’s hair, the intimacy being looked at with a raised brow and a smirk by Loki.

“And yet you couldn’t figure out what my objective was,” Loki interjects quite smoothly in a soft voice, daring to step closer. By now Peter is just furrowing his brows in confusion. “Even when I told you pissing the strongest people on Earth was the plan all along.”

“Couldn’t figure out what plan?!” Tony snapped.

“The plan to unite all you half-witted creatures against the ultimate evil of this universe,” the tempo increases as Loki’d voice echoes through the sanctum. “To fight against the one entity that was controlling me during the battle of New York, Stark! It was Thanos. It has always been Thanos. The only difference now is that he stopped playing from behind the veil and decided to conclude the charades once and for all.”

A hush falls over the building. Even the cloak that had been eavesdropping on the conversation from the corner of the hall stills itself by the wall in a bow. Tony blinks and inhales, slowly taking a step back as he sees the truth just way too convincingly shrouded in a thick blanket of pain. Loki too increases the distance with two steps away, turning away his gaze, for he knows too well he has exposed more of him than was needed.

Oh, but what does it matter, his inner voice croaks at him, what does it matter. He already took what was left of my grounded sanity.

“We only have ten minutes now,” Loki gulps, turning away to blink a bit quickly to do away with the excess moisture gathering in his eyes for no reason, “before Ebony Maw enters the earth’s atmosphere. I suggest you take the Time Stone and Strange to a place with no civilians and terrain where we are sure to win.”

“I knew I should’ve dumped that stupid stone down the garbage disposal,” Tony mutters, making Loki scoff lightly. “I am sure that bastard Doctor too stubborn to even consider it.”

“You’re right,” a voice calls out from the corner as a woosh follows and the cloak is now adorning a beaten but not lost Strange, “I am one stubborn bastard. Now, what all do you need to defeat Voldemort?”

Loki stands there, parting his lips to say something before taking a brief pause. “I was talking about defeating Maw. Ebony Maw?”

Strange rolled his eyes, Tony inhaled while Peter raises his finger to grab Loki’s attention. “He is referring to Maw, Mr. Loki, sir. It’s just us humans have a similar evil guy here that goes by the name Voldemort? So...the correlation?”

“Right,” Loki declares, continuously looking at Peter with a sense of impressed curiosity, “we would need a lot of firepower, rough terrain and all our brain-force combined. Maw isn’t just a child of Thanos. He is the child. He is the Black Order. Thanos exists because of him. If we take him down, we are already five steps closer to taking down Thanos.”

“How do you know that?” Strange asks quite sceptically.

“Because Thanos himself calls him the one with a dark tongue that can sway anyone to do his most obscene of biddings,” Loki states, putting down the goblet on the nearest table before letting his hand wander over the swords kept in front of him. “He is the brains behind every step Thanos takes. The ultimate strategist.”

“Lucky for you” he adds, picking one up with a hilt made in the shape of a silver snake, swinging and feeling its weight in his hand as if it was made just for him, “you have the silvertongue by your side.”

[starksinthenorth]

An Analysis of Jon Snow’s Spoken Parts of GOTS8

In Season 8, Jon Snow said a total of 1608 words across ~162 lines.* His most common words were: know, queen, need, all, back, north, how, want, stark, when. Of those lines, 2 are quotes. 38 are questions.

The people he mentions:

Three times: Arya, Bran

Daenerys: 2; Dany: 3

Sansa: 5

Sam(well): 4

Twice: Ned Stark, Lyanna

Once: Jorah, Aegon, Rhaegal, Rhaegar, Robert, Grey Worm, Tywin Lannister, Cersei, Maester Aemon, Tyrion, Gilly, Little Sam

Houses: Glover (1); Stark (2); Umbers (1); Lannisters (2)

The number of statements per general topics:

D/S Conflict: 7

WotD: 9

Family: 18

Family AND D/S Conflict: 11

D/S Conflict AND WotD: 2

Family AND defending Dany's crown: 2

Dragons: 6

Flirting with Dany: 4

Non-fam Reunions/Goodbyes: 19

His birth/kingship of all Westeros: 18

Defending Dany's crown: 8

Distancing from Dany: 1

Distancing from Dany AND defending her crown: 1

Other: 13

In Battles: 14

About battle v. Cersei: 8

Battle v. Cersei AND D/S conflict: 2

Defending Dany, general: 4

Advice: 6

Concern for Dany's well-being: 2

Forgiving Tyrion: 3

Questioning Dany: 3

post-killing her reflection: 3

*some of these are condensed into the same line and I counted by hand, so might be a lil off.

EPISODE 1 - WINTERFELL

Arriving at Winterfell

[to Dany] I warned you. Northerners don't much trust outsiders.

[to Bran] Look at you. You're a man.

[to Sansa] Where's Arya?

Queen Daenerys of House Targaryen. My sister, Sansa Stark, the Lady of Winterfell.

In Council

We need to send ravens to the Night's Watch as well. There's no sense in manning the castles anymore. We make our stand here.

It's not important.

You did, my lady. It was the honor of my life. I’ll always be grateful for your faith. But when I left Winterfell, I told you we need allies or we will die. I have brought those allies home to fight alongside us. I had a choice, keep my crown or protect the North. I chose the North.

Godwood Reunion with Arya

How did you sneak up on me?

You still have it.

Have you ever used it?

Jealous?

Where were you before? I could've used your help with Sansa.

Sansa thinks she's smarter than everyone.

Now you're defending her? You?

Yeah. I'm her family too.

Dragons/Waterfalls

She doesn't know you. If it makes you feel any better, she didn't like me either when we were growing up.

What's the matter?

What's wrong with them?

I don't know how to ride a dragon.

What if he doesn't want me to?

What do I hold onto?

You've completely ruined horses for me.

We'd be pretty old.

It's cold up here for a southern girl.

With Sansa

"House Glover will stand behind House Stark as we have for a thousand years." Isn't that what he said?

I told you we needed allies.

I never wanted a crown. All I wanted was to protect the North. I brought two armies home with me, two dragons.

Do you think we can beat the Army of the Dead without her? I fought them, Sansa. Twice. You want to worry about who holds what title, I'm telling you it doesn't matter. Without her, we don't stand a chance.

Do you have any faith in me at all?

She'll be a good queen. For all of us. She's not her father.

With Sam

Sam? Were you hiding from me?

What are you doing in Winterfell? Or did you read every book in the Citadel already?

What's wrong? Gilly? Is she all right?

Little Sam?

Know what?

I'm so sorry. We need to end this war.

Well, I've executed men who disobeyed me.

I wasn't a king.

I gave up my crown, Sam. I bent the knee. I'm not King in the North anymore.

What are you talking about?

My father was the most honorable man I ever met. You're saying he lied to me all my life.

Daenerys is our queen.

That's treason.

EPISODE 2 - A KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS

Jaime Trial

We need every man we can get.

With the Wall Crew

I thought we'd lost you.

How did you find each other?

The Umbers?

How long do we have?

Voiceover

They're coming. We have dragonglass and Valyrian steel. But there are too many of them. Far too many. Our enemy doesn't tire. Doesn't stop. Doesn't feel.

War Council

We can't beat them in a straight fight.

The Night King made them all. They follow his command. If he falls Getting to him may be our best chance.

We'll put you in the crypt, where it's safest.

If they're in the field, they're not protecting Bran. We need to be near him. Not too near, or the Night King won't come. But close enough to pursue him when he does.

Let's get some rest.

Your Grace.

With Sam and Edd

No.

If you want to join them. To protect them.

Now it's just us three.

In the Crypt

Lyanna Stark.

He didn't. He loved her.

They were married in secret. After Rhaegar fell on the Trident, she had a son. Robert would have murdered the baby if he ever found out, and Lyanna knew it. So the last thing she did, as she bled to death on her birthing bed, was give the boy to her brother, Ned Stark, to raise as his bastard.

My name. My real name is Aegon Targaryen.

I wish it were.

Bran. He saw it.

And Samwell confirmed it. He read about their marriage at the Citadel without even knowing what it meant.

It's true, Dany. I know it is.

EP 3: The Long Night

The Night King is coming.

Dany!

[to Viserion]: Get off!

[to Dany]: Bran!

EP 4: The Last of the Starks

Funeral

We're here to say goodbye to our brothers and sisters. To our fathers and mothers. To our friends. Our fellow men and women who set aside their differences to fight together and die together so that others might live. Everyone in this world owes them a debt that can never be repaid. It is our duty and our honor to keep them alive in memory for those who come after us and those who come after them for as long as men draw breath. They were the shields that guarded the realms of men. And we shall never see their like again.

Party

[to Tormund] No, not in one go. Vomiting is not celebrating.

[to drunk!Tormund] Yeah, I didn't have much say in that.

In his Rom w/ Dany

No. Only a little. I didn't know Ser Jorah well but I know this. If he could have chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting you.

I told you I don't want it.

I'll refuse. You are my queen. I don't know what else I can say.

I have to tell Sansa and Arya.

She won't.

I owe them the truth.

It won't.

You are my queen. Nothing will change that. And they are my family. We can live together.

Battle Council

The Northmen as well.

We'll surround the city. If the Iron Fleet tries to ferry in more food, the dragons will destroy them. If the Lannisters and the Golden Company attack, we'll defeat them in the field.

(to SANSA and ARYA) The Northern forces will honor their promises and their allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. What you command, we will obey.

Godwood w/ Starks

You understand we'd all be dead if not for her. We'd be corpses marching down to King's Landing.

Her men gave their lives defending Winterfell-

I swore myself and the North to her cause.

You don't know her yet.

If you only trust the people you grew up with, you won't make many allies.

Arya-

I've never been a Stark.

I need to tell you something. But you have to swear you'll never tell another soul.

You have to swear it, before I tell you.

Because we're family. Swear it.

Goodbyes to Tormund, Gilly, and Sam

[to Tormund] Just a horse. Rhaegal needs to heal. He doesn't need me weighing him down.

This is the North, you know. And the Free Folk are welcome to stay.

It's where he belongs too. A direwolf has no place in the south. Will you take him with you? He'll be happier up there.

I wish I was going with you. This is farewell, them.

[to Gilly] I hope it's a girl.

You too, Sam.

EP 5: The Bells

With Varys at Dragonstone

Just crossed the Trident. They'll be at the walls of King's Landing in two days. How is she?

She shouldn't be alone.

Aren't you worried for her?

We're not much for riddles where I'm from.

That's her decision to make. She is our queen.

What do you want?

I don't want it. I never have.

She is my queen.

With Dany

I don't want it, and that's what I told him.

I love you. And you will always be my queen.

With Tyrion

Daybreak at the earliest.

During Battle

Move, move!

No! Get back! Get back!

Stay! Stay!

Stop!

(to a woman) Find somewhere to hide.

We need to fall back! Fall back behind the wall! Fall back!

Get out of the city! Fall back! Fall back! Fall back!

EP 6: The Iron Throne

Pre-Dany’s Speech

[to Tyrion] It's not safe. Let me send some men with you.

Grey Worm! It's over.

With Arya

What are you doing here? Hey, what happened?

 She's everyone's queen now.

Wait for me outside the city gates. I'll come find you.

With Tyrion in Jail

No.

Not that I've seen.

You didn't.

I can't justify what happened. I won't try. But the war is over now.

And you've been by her side, counseling her. Until today.

You think our house words are stamped on our bodies when we're born and that's who we are? Then I'd be fire and blood too. She's not her father, no more than you're Tywin Lannister.

Cersei left her no choice.

She saw her friend beheaded. She saw her dragon shot out of the sky.

Ah, it's easy to judge when you're standing far from the battlefield.

What?

I don't know.

What's it matter what I'd do?

"Love is the death of duty."

Maester Aemon said it a long time ago.

That's her decision. She is the queen.

I'm sorry it came to this.

My sisters will be loyal to the throne.

She doesn't get to choose.

At Iron Throne with Dany

I saw them executing Lannister prisoners in the street. They said they were acting on your orders.

Necessary? Have you been down there? Have you seen? Children, little children, burned!

And Tyrion?

Forgive him.

You can. You can forgive all of them, make them see they made a mistake. Make them understand.

Please, Dany.

The world we need is a world of mercy. It has to be.

How do you know? How do you know it'll be good?

I don't.

What about everyone else? All the other people who think they know what's good.

You are my queen. Now, and always.

With Tyrion, post-sentencing

There's still a Night's Watch?

Was it right? What I did? 

It doesn't feel right.

I don't expect we'll ever see each other again.

Stark Goodbyes

[to Sansa] The North is free, thanks to you.

Ned Stark's daughter will speak for them. She's the best they could ask for.

[to Arya] You can come see me, you know, at Castle Black.

You think anyone will dare tell you women aren't allowed?

I don't know.

You have your Needle?

[to Bran] Your Grace. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.

[buttsonthebeach]

Lost Horizon, Pt. 2

@scharoux is the sweetest and most patient soul for waiting so long for part two of this story - thank you, dear friend, for trusting me with Rhaella and her epic tale!

This long fic picks up almost directly where The Last Game last left off - with Rhaella pregnant and alone in a world where Solas has removed the Veil, despite her attempts to stop him.

My Ko-Fi || My Commissions

Part One of Lost Horizon can be found here

Other pieces about Rhaella I have written include:

1. All Things Green and Growing

2. The Long Road Back

3. The Turning of the Year

3. The Same Kind of Scar (contains explicit content)

4. World Without End (contains explicit content)

5. The Last Game Pt. 1, the Last Game Pt. 2, and the Last Game Pt. 3 (contains explicit content), and the Last Game Pt. 4

Pairing: Rhaella Lavellan x Solas, post-Trespasser

Rating: Teen for violence, references to sex

Warning: Directly referenced character death for a character from DAI, general references to death and destruction

********************************

Merrill and Rhaella’s journey to Skyhold was slow. Isabela’s ship carried them swift and true - that part wasn’t the problem, even if the ship and all the crew seemed haunted, even if Rhaella could feel the absence of a woman she had never met as surely as she could feel the sea breeze - but once they were back on land, and traveling via horseback, her pregnancy proved a problem once more. She felt impossibly huge, her belly as big and round as the horse’s it seemed. Years of practice had made her a good rider, but the extra weight and the shift in her center of balance was even more pronounced now than it had been before, when she had ridden from Skyhold to Jader for her journey to Kirkwall.

The slow going meant she had plenty of time to take in how much had changed since that last journey, when she had been on her way to stop Solas. The burned out villages, and also the rapturous displays of light in the night sky - the dance of spirits thrilled to be free of the Veil. They rarely had to use a campfire for light, in fact. Wisps were drawn to them the way moths used to be. They frequently went to Rhaella’s belly after floating near her head and Merrill’s.

At least you’ll get beauty like this, little one.

Her magic surged towards each and every wisp when they came, but she tamped it down. Solas would know the feel of her magic, even across the distance, as surely as he would know the sound of her voice. They had not been pursued as far as they could tell, by people or by spirits, and she wanted to keep it that way. Merrill had known a draught to keep her from entering the Fade, which was their other means of concealment since they’d left.

“Poor Feynriel,” Merrill said the first time she brewed it. “I wonder what’s become of him in this world. If it makes more sense to him now, or less. Marethari made this for him while he was staying with the clan, and I learned it when we visited once. He was a Dreamer, so a draught like this didn’t always work for him, but it will be good enough for you and I. It feels like a different life to remember those times, when he was one of my biggest worries..”

“It does,” Rhaella said, even if she was only remembering a few weeks ago, when she’d been on this road going in the opposite direction, convinced she could stop the tide of Solas’s power from sweeping through and changing everything.

Sometimes on that long slow journey she lay there and was convinced the baby would never be born. She would be trapped like this forever, huge and waiting, adrift. She wondered how many other pregnant mothers lay awake in Thedas staring at the same moons and feeling the same way. They’d conceived their children in one world, and they would be born into an alien one.

Rhaella was grateful for Merrill’s training as a First, and her involvement in Kirkwall’s alienage since then. She still knew enough about pregnancy and babies to act as a midwife. She seemed less puzzled than the other midwife about the size of Rhaella’s belly, how it was bigger than they were expecting.

“Solas is not a small man,” she said with a shrug. “As long as you feel well, and you can still feel your little one wriggling about in there, I’m not worried.”

Solas is not a small man. The words sent a shiver of memory through Rhaella as she envisioned the days and nights that had led her to this moment. The size and weight of his body, how sheltered it made her feel, how whole. She pushed those thoughts away. She imagined, instead, a son that was as tall as him, who had only his kindness and not his narrowed vision, his pride. A son who reminded her of her own father.

I will love you no matter who you are, she promised anyway, feeling the child move.

The journey grew slower and more difficult as they climbed the mountain paths towards Skyhold. Rhaella struggled to lean far enough forward in the saddle to make her horse comfortable, so they had to walk the steepest parts of it. But, the feeling of being further from civilization, and the giddiness of having evaded Solas for nearly two weeks now, loosened their tongues a little, and Rhaella and Merrill were able to talk more freely. Merrill told stories of Hawke that she had not heard from Varric, and they shared their memories of growing up Dalish, compared notes on the Arlathvhens they had been to, speculated on whether or not they had ever met at one of them. It started to feel a little normal. Almost like Rhaella was back to being Inquisitor, and Merrill was one of her companions. 

(It was probably a testament to how upside down things were now that Rhaella could think back to that time with fondness.)

Then they arrived at Skyhold, and all that warmth, all that strength she’d built, drained away.

It was not so much that the building was different. Its ancient stone was largely unchanged. It had weathered the creation of the Veil, after all. It was not even the scorch marks all over the courtyard, or the charred ruins of the stables.

It was the sound of the empty hospital tents flapping in the breeze. Of wooden shutters banging listlessly against stone walls.

It was the total, absolute emptiness of the place that had become her home.

The castle stood, but the people were gone, and the emptiness of that threatened to swallow her whole.

She should have been wise enough to expect this, to know that things would not be as she left them, that she would not return home to rally the people she’d left behind to some sort of unlikely victory. She had not heard from any of her forces in the weeks she’d been in Kirkwall. She’d hoped that was because Solas was intercepting their messages, that against all odds, there was still a home to come back to, a chance to set things right. Still, the blow of the silence struck her as true as any kick or punch ever had.

Then there was a high, hollow sound - a call, almost like that of a bird’s - but bigger, and then louder, like a trumpet, coming from the lower courtyard, and the sudden movement of a big brown blur -

“Thistle!” Rhaella called, and her hart galloped to her, drawing up short when he reached her, and then snuffling her with his warm, soft nose, whining again in his throat. She rested her forehead against his, breathed in the warm, woodsy smell of his hide. She scratched the place behind his ears that always made him stamp his feet with delight.

“Hello, friend,” Merrill said, approaching. “You’re a delight! I haven’t seen a hart like this in a long time.”

“He has been my constant companion for years now. I can’t even tell you how good it feels to see that he is okay.” Rhaella leaned her head against Thistle’s again and took another calming breath. She did not need to jump straight to despair. She had not even gone inside the keep yet. Who knew who else she would find, or what signs would be left behind - maybe everyone had moved somewhere else, or gone out into the world to help make a difference -

She wasn’t sure whether to feel reassured or afraid when the first arrow flew and landed at her feet.

Merrill’s hand flung out instantly, as if to shield her, and Rhaella’s magic crackled beneath her skin, longing to cast a barrier. She had to actively work not to cast the barrier without the Veil in the way, and it made her grind her teeth. Her son kicked wildly in her stomach at the sensation of the caged magic.

“It’s okay,” Rhaella called out when the urge to cast her spell passed. She looked in the direction the arrow had come from - the old tavern. She started in that direction, brushing off Merrill’s arm. “It’s me, it’s Rhaella.”

Another arrow flew, this one passing over her shoulder, so close that Rhaella could hear the pitch-perfect whine as it cleaved the air by her ear. Thistle snorted and stamped behind her, spooked, and Merrill took her staff off her back. The third arrow struck the barrier that Merrill cast, splintering into a shower of wooden shards, but Rhaella had seen where it was headed. Straight for her head.

Then Rhaella saw her, in the upper window of the tavern, leaning out now, bow in hand. Sera.

“Sera!” She called, waving her arms, walking closer. Surely it was an accident. Surely Sera had not actually meant to aim for a killing blow. “Sera, it’s just me.”

“Yes,” Sera said, nocking another arrow, half-drawing back the string. She stepped out onto the roof of the tavern. Her skin was even paler than usual, but her eyes were rimmed as red as the plaidweave armor she wore. “Who the fuck do you think I have been waiting for?”

Rhaella’s heart sank.

“Sera -”

“They’re all dead!” Sera shouted, the tears coming now. “All of them! Every person that mattered to me is gone now. Every person who trusted you to lead us. They all paid the price, and for what? So you could get a good shag with a man who never really loved you? And you didn’t even have to see it, did you, oh high and mighty Inquisitor? No, you got to be somewhere far away when it all came crashing down, all the fire and magic and shite, all the screaming and the dying. But I didn’t get that. I had to be here. I had to see it happen. I had to watch and even when I shut my eyes I had to listen. D’you know what it sounded like when your precious Commander died?”

Cullen.

No, not Cullen.

He was many things - not all of them good - but Rhaella prayed in that moment to the gods she didn’t believe in that Sera was lying.

“D’you know what it was like for him when all that bloody magic came rushing back, after all those years he’d worked to stop taking that Maker forsaken lyrium? I bet you didn’t even think about it when you went rushing back to your arse-wiping Dread Wolf. About how he would fucking scream -”

“Stop!”

Rhaella was aware that Merrill had shouted the word, that Sera was still talking, but the sounds were distant, covered up by a roaring as real as the sound of an ocean storm, of an earthquake. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t even think beyond the roaring sound. It was only the kicking and rolling of her child within her womb that brought her back to the surface.

“You don’t understand,” Merrill was saying. “Rhaella went to Kirkwall to stop him. She tried her best. She never stopped trying. She fought him until the very last moment, but there was nothing anyone could do. He was too strong for anyone but another of his own kind. And Rhaella didn’t stop there. She has been aiding the wounded ever since then, and once she had her first opportunity to flee from Solas, she did. How do you think she ended up here?”

“It doesn’t make a difference,” Sera said, and there was a sudden wave of magical heat rolling off of her, sparks at her fingertips. “Shite!” 

She threw down her bow and Rhaella could see the trembling in her fingers. Sera had never wanted this, and now she was cursed with it. Magic.

Rhaella opened her mouth but no words came out. Her chest felt like it was caving in. Like all of Sera’s words had lodged there, true as arrows, true as morning sun.

“Please, believe us,” Merrill was pleading. “Neither of us wanted this. We’re trying to make our way in this world, the same as you.”

Sera shook her head once, viciously, and picked up her bow. She nocked the arrow again and started to draw it back. Rhaella realized that her hands were over her belly, feeling it warm and tight as a drum, but her magic was not seething inside her this time. She was making no real move to defend herself. Merrill grounded herself, started gathering the energy for a barrier. Then Sera lowered her bow.

“Get whatever supplies you need to get somewhere else. And then get gone.” Her eyes bored into Rhaella’s. “If I ever see you again, I will kill you.”

Then she disappeared back into the shadows of the tavern.

Rhaella felt rooted to the ground where she stood. Like she might never move from this spot again.

It was one thing to see the devastation of Kirkwall - a city that was not a part of her, another vein through which her own heart’s blood flowed - it was another to stand here in Skyhold and witness the magnitude of her failure. To hear those words of accusation dropped not from the mouth of a stranger but from a friend.

Cullen.

“Rhaella. Rhaella. Come on, love. I don’t think we want to stay here long.”

Merrill was using the same voice that Rhaella herself used to gentle Thistle when he was spooked. Her hands were on Rhaella’s shoulders, guiding. Their steps towards the keep were slow. Thistle whined, high and loud and mournful. Rhaella wondered what stories he would share of the day the Veil fell, if he could speak.

She tried not to study Skyhold as they walked through it. Tried not to see the blood or the winding patterns of lighting etched into wood and stone, the overturned tables, the shattered glasses. The kitchen was ripped apart but there was still food enough in the storeroom beyond it, and she and Merrill filled their packs with as much of it as they could reasonably carry. Rhaella felt the burden of her pregnancy all over again, how she would need more food than she ever had before on the road.

“Is there anything else you want to get?” Merrill asked when they were done there.

Rhaella nodded, and went wordlessly towards the long staircase that led to her chambers. Merrill did not follow. She was grateful for that.

Her chambers were exactly as she had left them. That was the most eerie part of all. She was not the same woman she was the last time she slept here. Her bedroom should have reflected that. But everything was in its place - each pillow on the bed, each paper on her desk. She picked up her field journal, which she’d left behind in her haste to get to Kirkwall. Then she saw the one thing that was out of place. A letter in an envelope, right in the center of her desk.

Rhaella

It was Cullen’s handwriting.

D’you know what it sounded like when your precious Commander died?

Rhaella tucked the letter quickly into her bag. She couldn’t read it. Not now. Maybe not ever.

Merrill had distributed everything they gathered between Thistle and their other two horses by the time Rhaella returned. After a brief discussion, they agreed that they would keep both horses, using one for supplies and if one of their other mounts got tired.

“So where do we go now?” Merrill asked, her eyes shifting towards the tavern and then back to Rhaella.

“The Emerald Graves,” Rhaella said. “It has plenty of resources, plenty of places to hide, and it isn’t terribly far from here.”

“I have always wanted to see them,” Merrill said. “All those tombs of the elves who came before us, who fought for our people.”

Rhaella half wondered if the tombs had broken open when the Veil fell - if those elves had stepped out to a brave new world where their people had both won and lost. 

She cast one glance back at Skyhold as they rode through its gate. The towers and battlements she’d come to know as home. It was lost to her now, like so many things were. Another ghost of her own, standing stark and sad against the blue mountain sky.

She took a deep breath and rode on.

*

They rode until nightfall, back down the same road they’d taken up the mountain, until Rhaella’s lower back ached so badly that they could not continue. She warmed damp cloths on a stone over the fire that Merrill built and then had Merill place them where it ached. She’d never wished so desperately for a bed in her life as she did in that moment, lying there on her side on the nest of blankets they’d arranged, unable to curl up into a ball or lie on her stomach, anything to relieve the pain.

“Warn me if it gets more intense,” Merrill said. “Sometimes that’s how it goes for women - the start of labor, that is.”

Rhaella felt a surge of panic and joy alike. Would tonight be the night she met her son, the person that made all of this worth it? The reason she continued putting one foot in front of the other on this road that had no real destination yet. At least not one she could see or count on. But the pain in her back did subside eventually. There was a new chill in the air by that point, a wind coming down off the mountains that made them both shiver. Rhaella looked to the saddlebags they’d removed from their pack horse, hoping for another blanket - and spied something familiar sticking out of one of the ones Merrill had packed. Red and fur-lined.

Cullen’s cloak.

She rose, went to it, pulled it out, half-hoping she was wrong. She wasn’t. She’d have known it anywhere, and of course Merrill would not have. She’d just seen something warm that might help them on their journey, and not another dagger aimed directly at Rhaella’s heart.

Merrill was a few paces away, standing watch since they didn’t want to risk setting wards. Rhaella went to her bag and pulled out the letter she’d found on her desk, the tears already rising in her throat, the guilt already swimming in her stomach. She found a tree that she could sit against, looking away from Merrill, and eased herself to the ground, cloak and letter clutched in one hand.

She read.

Rhaella,

I am never going to see you again.

That's the worst part of this. It isn't the pain or the screaming or the uncertainty. It's knowing I will never see your face or hear your voice again.

My hand is shaking. I hope you can read this if you find it. When you find it. I refuse to believe that you did not survive this. You and the baby - you have to survive. I have to believe this was all worth something, and if the two of you are still out there, it was.

You are the most incredible woman I have ever known, Rhaella. Your quiet strength - I know it will see you through. I have watched you move mountains and I know you will move them again and again.

(I hope this all makes sense. I was never good at words, and my hand is shaking, and everything hurts -)

I wish I could be there to see you move those mountains. To see your baby. The baby I thought of as ours no matter what. I understand that what we had was never going to be real. I am at peace with that. I would have given you everything nonetheless, Rhaella. You and the baby deserved that and I would have been whatever you needed me to be. If - if this isn't the end - if I can withstand this - if we are both alive - I will still give you everything. Not because I want you to wake up one day and love me. But because you deserve that as my friend.

Whatever happens - when you find this - I want you to know that I believe in you. I wish I had words good enough to express it. I don't. I believe in you the same way I believe in the Maker and his Bride. Maybe that is the closest I can come to explaining it. I believe in you, and if anyone can stop Solas, it is you. 

If I die today, I die with nothing but faith and devotion in my heart. It was how I always wanted to go, Rhaella. It's okay. I am at peace.

Yours always,

Cullen

She was crying before she finished the third paragraph, of course. Deep, wracking sobs that hollowed out her chest, carved up her ribs, scratched up her throat. They were animal sounds. She wasn't sure how long they went on. It seemed there was no beginning or end to her grief as she thought of everything Sera said, how she'd sacrificed everything for a man who never really loved or deserved her. Were they both right? Was that really the source of her weakness? Had there been some final part of her strength locked behind a door with Solas's name written on it, where she hid all the memories that were good? Had that been the strength she would have needed that day in Kirkwall?

Rhaella cried into the folds of Cullen's cloak, her mind a maze of questions with no answers, and grieved.

*

Solas generally prided himself on being the master of his emotions. Controlling them, subduing them, and, when all else failed, simply hiding them away.

He did not bother hiding his frustration when he returned from his fight with the Evanuris.

He came into his Kirkwall base of operations and threw down the helm he'd been wearing, reveling in the loud sound of metal striking wood as it hit the table. Maybe if he did that over and over again he could drown out the sound of his failure - of half of the Evanuris's forces escaping into eluvians and shattering them as they left. He'd wanted to pull them out, root and stem, to be done with all of this, to focus on what came next - rebuilding, helping those that remained find peace and meaning in the new world he'd made. Helping himself find peace with what he'd done. Finding time to mourn the friends he had lost (sacrificed).

Mending things with Rhaella.

"We have not been able to trace them yet," Abelas said, calm and even, but with a hesitance that Solas noted at once.

"What else?" He barked. He'd tried not to be the kind of Commander who yelled unless it was truly what the situation warranted. Then again, he'd tried a lot of things. And yet here he was again, with nothing but ash and loneliness to show for it.

"Rhaella and Merrill are gone."

Abelas said it swiftly and calmly, with the precision of a surgeon making his first cut.

Solas felt the air leave the room.

He felt his power leach into the vacuum it left behind.

Raw mana, undirected, uncontained, filling up every object and person around him, lighting up the room with a blue glow, filling it with a subtle roar. He felt his advisors shield themselves in barriers, as if he would attack them. Perhaps he would. (He would not.)

Solas took a breath and drew his mana back in.

“When?”

“Not long after you did as far as we can tell,” Abelas said. Another surgeon’s cut.

“Together.”

“Presumably, yes.”

“Where?”

“Unknown. We have not been able to track them via traditional or arcane means, though perhaps you will have greater success with the latter. You know Rhaella better than any of us, after all.”

For a moment, Solas considered letting her go. It would be kinder in the long run. He’d told her that once, when he was a stronger man. But he still had dried blood under his fingernails, the screams of the dying in his ears. He still had unfinished business, and people who would seek to hurt Rhaella and his child. 

(The child, the child, the child, he could hardly bring himself to think the word at first but now it was ringing through his mind like a struck bell, an endless echo. He might not get to meet his child if he could not find her, and perhaps that was what he deserved -)

He had to find her to protect her. To tell her one last time that he was sorry. If she went her own way then - if they went their own way then - he would just have to find a way to endure.

Var lath vir suledin, she had said to him the day he took the Anchor and her arm. Perhaps that was when she was a stronger woman. Perhaps he had broken them both.

“We leave for Skyhold at dawn,” he said. He turned on his heel and left. He had enough control, enough composure, not to spill his tears before them. He waited until he was in Rhaella’s room, surrounded by the smell of her, to do that. 

He would endure, he told himself over and over again. He would endure. He simply wasn’t sure what it would cost.

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Terms of Engagement ch.4

Summary: Rus is still a kid himself and with his life turned upside-down, he has no idea how he’s going to take care of his baby brother. Having other kid skeletons appear in his world wasn’t exactly the help he was looking for.

Tags: Pre-Spicyhoney, Underfell Papyrus, Underfell Sans, Underswap Papyrus, Underswap Sans, Undertale Sans, Undertale Papyrus, Babybones, Scientist W. D. Gaster, Possible Past Child Abuse, Skellie Daycare, Growing Up Together, Big Brothers Caring For Their Little Bros, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Notes: Ah, the days of skellie daycare are over. Our boys are grown, but things aren’t well in their worlds. Something is wrong and Rus is going to find out what. Whether he wants to or not.

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three

Read Chapter Four on AO3

or

Read It Here!

~~*~~

Some Fifteen Years Later

~~

“Time to get up, brother!”

Rus rolled over on his bare mattress with a groan, pulling his blanket back over his head. Not that a flimsy barrier was going to stop his bro, not a chance. Nothing short of a brick wall could stop him once he got going, and Rus didn’t keep one of those in his inventory.

Maybe he should look into it.

In the meantime, he could only hiss like a new vampire when Blue yanked open the curtains to let in the artificial light. It gleamed blindingly off the snow and through the window, directly into Rus’s cringing sockets. Satisfied at his brother’s betrayed howls, Blue dusted off his hands and turning back to Rus to scold, “Brother! Get up!”

“c’mon, bro!” Rus’s words were muffled into his pillow. “can’t you see i’ve been working myself to the bone?”

He peeked out in time to see Blue stamp one of his booted feet indignantly, gloved hands on his hips. “You have sentry duty in an hour! How can I catch a Human if we aren’t watching for one!”

Rus rolled over with a yawn, “don’t worry, bro, ulna be late.”

“Ugh, brother!” Blue shook his head, but beneath his pained disgust was a glimmer of humor. “All right, I’m leaving, but I’ll check on your post later!” He left, but poked his head back in to add, “I wasn’t bone yesterday, mweh heh heh!”

Blue vanished again as Rus chuckled to himself. He waited until he heard the front door close before rolling over to snag his cigarettes. His bro couldn’t stand the smell and he had enough to gripe about already this morning. A flick of his lighter and Rus drew in a long breath of smoke, held it in even as trickles escaped through his ribs, and exhaled it in a pale cloud. He flopped back in bed, careful to let the ash fall to the messy floor rather than into the sheets.

Idly, he considered the glowing tip of the cigarette dangling between his fingers. He’d started smoking not long after they came to Snowdin. Couldn’t really hurt him much and it made him seem older to Monsters who weren’t interested in looking too closely. Back then, anything he could use to make others not question him raising his brother had been helpful.

Mostly he’d fooled everyone with a trick as simple as abandoning his stripes early. That made it easy to pretend to be older than he was. He’d been tall even then and no one asked any troublesome questions. They’d let him come into Muffet’s after a long day of napping on sentry duty, let him drink alongside them and no one questioned that he preferred honey to whiskey; all Monsters had their preferences. It’d worked until he was old enough for it to not matter, and no one had been the wiser.

That was years ago now, though and Blue was of age himself, for whatever good it did him here. Ah, his wonderful, sweet-natured bro. So desperate to be liked and to make friends. The residents of Snowdin were nice enough, but outside of Muffet’s, they tended to keep to themselves. The cold weather and being trapped Underground tended to sap away friendly impulses and no matter how hard Blue tried, no one had been willing to step into the role of friend for him.

It hurt a little to know that Blue probably hadn’t had a decent friend since they’d stopped using the machine.

Since he’d lost Edge and Papyrus.

Damn, but it’d been a while since he’d thought of them. Rus sat up a little more in bed and lit another cigarette as he thought of his bro’s childhood playmates.

The scrapbook Blue made with their pictures all those years ago still sat on his bookshelf, but it was dusty with disuse. It was a wonder Blue remembered them at all, he’d still been a wee baby bones back then.

~~*~~

Barely a month after whatever happened to Red and Edge was when it all finally fell apart. Their little shared worlds were already beginning to unravel on the day it was Rus’s turn to watch the kiddos. Sans came right on time to drop off Papyrus. Kid was as wriggly as ever in his cheery orange-striped shirt, squirming down from his brother’s arms and off to play with Blue.

The two of them stopped asking when Edge and Red were coming back, but Blue still sniffled about it at night, lying in bed with Red’s worn-out jacket clutched in his arms.

To Rus’s surprise, Sans lingered and his grim expression brought no comfort. Not after what happened with their missing friends.

“what is it?” Rus asked, low to keep the kiddos from hearing him.

“we need to talk.”

Shit. Rus nodded and led Sans to his room. Their bros would be okay to play on their own for a little while. He sprawled out in his bed cushions, drawing up a knee to rest his chin on.

“okay, spill, what’s going on?”

But Sans wouldn’t be rushed. He settled to sit on one of the larger cushions that passed for a chair, legs crossed under him, and said bluntly, “we need to talk about what that fucker did to us.”

Rus could only blink, shocked to his core. They all had a fair idea of what had gone down before, even if their memories were pretty damn shaky. None of them ever compared notes, but they’d been to each other’s worlds, dozens of times. They’d seen the equipment, the tables with the straps on them. They all knew without a word, so Rus wasn’t sure why Sans wanted to share any now. “i don't want to talk—”

“i know you don't!” Sans said and his normal amicable tone was lost in a fury that jumbled in even more confusion. “me either, but we hafta. someone came to our lab yesterday.”

That nugget of information froze Rus’s soul. “what?”

“someone in a white coat,” Sans picked at the ragged hem of his shorts moodily. “don’t think she was looking for us, but she was with some others, poking around. they looked like they might be trying to open it again. and if they’re trying to do it in my world, they’ll try it here, you know. that’s how this works.”

It was true. They’d all noticed odd parallels between their worlds past people looking alike and if someone was coming to Sans’s lab...a painful thought occurred and it hurt to think it, of that sweet little baby bones who’d craved hugs being hurt or afraid, but Rus forced out, “do you think that’s what happened to red and edge?”

“i dunno what happened to them, maybe.” Sans blew out a long breath, his finger bones scraping his skull as he rubbed the back of his head agitatedly. “look, you guys weren’t the first worlds i came to. found another one first, another pair like us. those two seemed nice enough. they lived with the queen, took me to see her. but i gave her a hard look, i saw her. i saw her soul was bad.”

Rus looked away. He didn’t like talking about seeing souls. Neither had Red. The way it felt, someone else’s sins crawling up their spine like a bloated spider, ugh. It was horrible and Rus preferred not to, thanks. “she wanted me to stay, see,” Sans went on, doggedly, “wanted me to show them how the machine worked. i said i was gonna, played like it was all dandy. and then i ran back and got the hell out of there. scrambled the coordinates, but they still have a machine. if they figured out how to use it on their own?” He shook his head. “we’ve been using the machine for our own piddly shit, started all this back when we were kids and didn’t know better. but i don’t like to think what could happen if someone else tried it. someone with a little more determination.”

“what are you saying?” Rus whispered. But he already knew.

“come on, let’s be honest.” Sans was always grinning; with his skull structure, he didn’t have much choice. But there was nothing pleasant in the way he smiled now, “we can do that with each other, yeah? d’you trust anyone in your world with the machine? bet the nice cream gal is a real sweetheart, but you really think the old doc was the only bad soul around?”

“but…” He could feel the tears stinging in his sockets. He and Red had never been besties, but Rus found he missed the little asshole more than he’d ever thought he could. Losing Edge hurt even worse, that sweet baby bones, and remembering the last time he’d seen the kid, those thin, strong arms hugging him so tightly. If he’d known, had even an inkling what might happen, he never would’ve let the kid go.

Now Sans was saying he was losing him and Papyrus, too.

“we could move in together—“ but Rus trailed off, already knowing the answer even as Sans shook his head. All of them living in the same world would mean leaving the machine behind for anyone to use. That would kinda miss the point of it all. “fuck it, this sucks!”

Sans looked as miserable as Rus felt, blinking too hard. “i know. and it’s gonna break our bros hearts. but we can’t know what all is on the other side and i’m not sure i wanna wait until they step through to find out. and i definitely don’t wanna leave them for some other white coat to find. we need to shut them down, get them someplace where no one else can use ‘em ever again.”

Everything Sans was saying made sense, no matter how much Rus didn’t want to hear it. Hot resentment welled up, filling Rus’s soul; against the scientist, the machine, even against Sans. This wasn’t fair, none of this, why did they have to be the ones to do this shit? All Rus ever wanted was to be like the other Monster kids he’d seen, playing and getting nice cream, waiting for Gyftmas and a Santa who never managed to find his way to laboratory where little skeletons waited hopefully, thinking maybe this time, maybe they’d been good enough, and never were.

But there was no point to being mad about it, never was. All they’d ever had was each other, and someone had to do it. The same way someone had to clumsily wrap little presents for all the baby bones because if Santa couldn’t be bothered to show up, then a trio of big brothers weren’t about to let their little bros be disappointed again.

Someone had to and much as Rus hated to admit it, Sans was right.

“how can we move the machines?” Rus swiped at his damp sockets with his sleeve impatiently, “not like we can piggyback it around like we do our bros.”

“that’s another idea i got. follow me, i wanna show you something.”

Rus scrambled back to his feet, almost on Sans’s heels as they went out the door. But something felt odd as they walked through, a wavering of some sort and when Rus blinked, they weren’t in the hallway. They were standing outside the lab where the sweltering heat of Hotland was already making them sweat.

“how did you—“ Rus whirled around, blinking hard, but the scenery didn’t change. They were outside somehow and Sans’s grin was showing a little more humor.

“neat, huh? that’s why i said we needed to talk, cause if i can do it, i bet you can. and it’s not just monsters i can move, i can take things, too. maybe with a lil’ more practice…” He trailed off meaningfully.

“yeah, i get you, but i still don’t get how. or why.”

Sans could only shrug. “ain’t like we can ask. if i was gonna guess, i’d say he was hedging his bets that if the machine didn’t work, we’d be a different way through the barrier.” That grin twisted sourly. “shame none of his shit worked the way it's supposed to.”

Wasn’t a shame at all in Rus’s opinion. The real shame was the use they’d found for the machine was about to get dumped like so much trash. But when he thought of that other world Sans described, thought of Monsters coming through with bad souls filled with LV. Like the world Red was from.

Yeah, no. That wasn’t happening.

“show me how,” Rus said and Sans did.

It was exhausting and painful at first, worse even than the machine. He’d step out from a shortcut chilled to his marrow and it would be hours before his shivering stopped.

But it was easy, right within reach, and soon he was good at it, too good, good enough to take other people and things with him, and when he learned about the sentry job opening in Snowdin, he knew it was time.

After that, they’d only needed to say goodbye.

~~*~~

Rus stared up at the ceiling as he finished his cigarette, quietly consumed by memory.

Damn, but that was a long time ago now. It’d been what, fourteen, fifteen years? Their faces were reduced to blurred smears in his mind, maybe he needed to have a look of his own in Blue’s scrapbook tonight.

But even if the faces weren’t clear, he remembered Papyrus’s exuberance, his laughter. He remembered little Edge’s shy sweetness, the precious giggles from the kid who was so determined to marry him someday. Red and Sans, so like him and yet not, big bros determined to protect the baby bones.

So long ago but it still felt like there was gap in his soul where they’d all been once.

Rus snorted and smashed out his butt. Why was he thinking about them, anyway? Today wasn’t some kind of fucked up anniversary or anything. It was just another day in the Underground, another day, another G, and tonight it would be the same as any other. Watching Napstaton on the television he’d scrounged from the dump, choking down his brother’s less than appetizing version of tacos and secretly eating over at Muffet’s on the sly. Write another post-it to put by his sock for Blue to howl about tomorrow, and maybe head out for a drink, maybe even something else depending on who was there.

Nothing happened in Underswap, nothing changed.

So why the hell did he feel so agitated?

A niggling idea occurred, shaken loose by his nostalgia. Might be that there was a little something something he needed to check on, a thing he hadn’t looked at in years. He still had a little time before he had to get to his sentry post and it wasn’t like it took him longer than a minute to get there, anyway. He had the time, but the place he was heading wasn’t one he liked to shortcut into.

Rus pulled on a pair of shorts and a hoodie, scrounged from the pile of ‘not too stanky to wear again’ clothes and headed downstairs to shove his feet into his untied shoes. He lit another cigarette while he walked around back, standing uncomfortably by a door he rarely opened and Blue never seemed to notice. That was something right there, wasn’t it, that his little bro didn’t even see this door. Hard for Rus to figure out what that meant, and he wasn’t much one for puzzles or mysteries, anyway. Knock knock jokes, that was his gig and he wanted to keep it that way.

So why was he here, then, unlocking the door and pushing it open, all creaking and wheezy like a fucking late-night Halloween Special.

The lights still worked, thank the stars, or Rus might’ve said fuck it and headed off for his morning nap sentry duty after all.

Down in the cold basement, the machine sat hulking in the corner where Rus had dumped it after a painfully exhausting shortcut and there was a memory Rus could do without. Laying quivering on the dirty floor, close to vomiting from the burnt dregs of magic in the back of his throat along with bitter satisfaction and tears.

It was covered in a heavy cloth that was dusty and untouched. Useless. The machine didn’t have any power, cut off and starved to keep away any of the other Universes.

But Rus still shivered from something other than the cold. That feeling was still there, the same sensation he remembered as a kid. Like it wanted to be used.

“stop it,” Rus said aloud. Stupid. Like anyone was here to hear it? But his soul was crawling, a prickly sensation tiptoeing up his spine. He was alone, but it felt like something was here, a presence.

Rus wasn’t afraid of ghosts, knew a couple personally. This wasn’t a ghost and he couldn’t tell if it was malevolent or kind, only that it was there. And it wanted something from him.

“knock it off. i’m not listening,” Rus said, but it was a lie. He was listening to the throb in his head, the faint hiss like white noise echoing. Thin panic was starting to rise and he’d had enough of being here on his own. Let the machine crumble to dust, he was out of here.

He ignored the creepflesh feeling in his soul; he wanted out of here now and he reached out for a shortcut, the same way he had since he’d learned how and a thousand times since.

But the moment he stepped into it, he knew something was wrong. Colder than it’d ever been and it wasn’t gone in an instant as it should be. The dark/not dark lingered, his vision rattled, shaken in a psychedelic kaleidoscope. It hurt like his very molecules were being squeezed in an vice.

All together it only lasted an instant, but when Rus could see again, he was blinking through tears, staring uncomprehendingly at what was in front of him.

That…was not his sentry post. His shortcut should’ve plopped him right into his chair where he’d been a hundred times before, ready to sink down with his head on his arms and nap away the morning. This was wrong.

The trees were wrong, the sentry station, the snow, even the fucking light, everything was wrong, the world tilted to the side and off.

He felt like he’d walked through a door and ended up someplace else, which yeah, that was what a shortcut was, but this was a grotesque parody of where he was supposed to be.

This sentry post looked like a fucking fortress, crisscrossed with razor wire and there were bars in the windowed section. Warnings were graffitied on it in garish paint and what the fuck was a LV hunter? Not something Rus wanted to meet, that much he knew.

Rus stepped backwards and away, the sharp taste of fear heavy on the back of tongue. He was already reaching automatically for another shortcut, felt that unnatural cold in his grasp a split second before unexpected pain broke his focus. Rus yelped as he fell, hot agony zigzagging up his leg as a bone in his ankle snapped when he hit the ground.

The snow was as cold as the void, maybe colder, seeping wetly through his clothes. Painfully, Rus managed to roll over only to stare downward in disbelief. There was a trap around his foot, winding up his leg like a cruel vine. Nothing like the childish games his brother designed. This was a fucking snare made of barbed wire and springs that dug dusty gouges into his bones, and he was caught but good in it. He tried to kick it loose and had to stifle another scream, dull agony flaring sickeningly from his broken ankle.

Fuck, what was going on, what? Something was wrong, this whole place was wrong, not his shabby little cardboard post with the rickety chair he’d scrounged from the dump. This was someplace else, someplace terrible.

Through the haze of pain, Rus could hear the distant baying of dogs.

~~*~~

TBC

[newstfionline]

Headlines

Americans hit hard by layoffs worry about homelessness (Yahoo Money) With unemployment claims at historic highs as the pandemic grounds the economy to a halt, many Americans are struggling with diminished savings, unpaid bills, and worries over homelessness, according to a new study from Varo Money shared exclusively with Yahoo Money. One in 4 renters who lost a job or income due to the COVID-19 outbreak worry they could become homeless, while 1 in 7 homeowners with a mortgage said the same, the survey of 1,234 lower and middle-class Americans earning up to $75,000 found. Among the renters who have lost their income, 2 in 5 expect to make their rent for a maximum of three to four weeks and 1 in 4 expect to be able to afford their rent for one to two months. “Many of these people actually fear if they will be able to cover the rent, and homelessness is becoming a real issue,” Varo Money’s CEO Colin Walsh told Yahoo Money. “We’re talking about people that do not have emergency savings, they really don’t have any backstop.”

Reopening Has Begun. No One Is Sure What Happens Next. (NYT) Politicians and public health experts have sparred for weeks over when, and under what circumstances, to allow businesses to reopen and Americans to emerge from their homes. But another question could prove just as thorny—how? It isn’t clear what, exactly, it means to gradually restart a system with as many interlocking pieces as the U.S. economy. How can one factory reopen when its suppliers remain shuttered? How can parents return to work when schools are still closed? How can older people return when there is still no effective treatment or vaccine? What is the government’s role in helping private businesses that may initially need to operate at a fraction of their normal capacity? “We live in an economy where there are lots of interconnections between different sectors,” said Joseph S. Vavra, an economist at the University of Chicago. “Saying you want to reopen gradually is more easily said than done.”

Advertising adjusts for a new reality: Sweatpants for staying home and toilet paper that cares (Washington Post) “Just stay home” seems like an unusual sell from a hotel-booking service, but these are unusual times. Companies large and small are figuring out how to make ads that don’t seem insensitive or as if they’re from a different time, when people took beach vacations, ate in restaurants and wore shoes. On television, brands are switching to reassuring platitudes, telling viewers, “We’re in this together,” or in the touching words of one toilet paper company, “Together, we’ll keep America rolling.” On social media sites like Instagram, more advertisements are targeting those shut in, with extremely to-the-point messages shilling sweatpants, wine and food delivery, DIY hair dye kits, and home-office gadgets.

Foreign Students Stranded by Coronavirus (NYT) When universities abruptly shut down last month because of the coronavirus pandemic, many students returned to their parents’ homes, distraught over having to give up their social lives and vital on-campus networking opportunities. Graduating seniors lost the chance to cross anything but a virtual commencement stage. But the campus closures have created much greater calamity in the lives of the more than a million international students who left their home countries to study in the United States. Many had been living in college dorms and were left to try to find new housing, far from home in a country under lockdown. A substantial number of international students are also watching their financial lives fall apart: Visa restrictions prevent them from working off campuses, which are now closed. And while some come from families wealthy enough to pay for their housing or whisk them home, many others had already been struggling to cobble together tuition fees that tend to be much higher than those paid by Americans. As their bank accounts dwindle, some international students say they have had to turn to food banks for help. Others are couch surfing in the family homes of their friends but don’t know how long they will be welcome.

Skip college this fall? (Miami Herald) With time growing short and the future uncertain, many high school students are considering skipping college in the fall. The coronavirus pandemic has left many universities uncertain whether they’ll be able to welcome students to campus after summer, and many students don’t want to pay for top-flight universities if they can’t get the full in-person experience. Some say they may skip a year. Some may opt for cheaper alternatives like community colleges. Either way, the coronavirus could leave its mark on higher education long after the pandemic fades.

US senator Lindsey Graham believes Kim Jong Un ‘dead or incapacitated’ (The Independent) US senator Lindsey Graham said he believes North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is “dead or incapacitated” following unconfirmed reports of his demise. Rumours of Kim Jong Un’s death have swirled since he missed the commemoration of the 108th birthday of his grandfather, North Korea founder Kim Il Sung, ten days ago. North Korean authorities have said nothing to counter media reports that Mr Kim is unwell, prompting concerns about who is next in line to run a nuclear-armed country that has been ruled by the same family for seven decades. South Korean and US officials have repeatedly indicated that there have been no unusual signs that could indicate health problems for Kim. A US official told Reuters the latest rumors about Kim’s health had not changed the US assessment of the information as “speculation.”

A pandemic of corruption mars the coronavirus response (Washington Post) When officials in his home state began giving food boxes to families hit by Colombia’s coronavirus lockdown, lawmaker Ricardo Quintero was struck by the exorbitant prices being paid to the vendors. So he armed himself with pictures of the coffee, pasta and other goods and went down to his local grocery store. There, he bought the same products for roughly half the supposedly bulk-rate prices being paid by the government of Cesar state. The comparison shopping prompted one of what is now 14 coronavirus-related criminal probes in Colombia. The South American country is one of many around the world now seeing a surge in corruption allegations. Countries large and small are shelling out trillions of dollars to combat both the coronavirus outbreak and its brutal economic fallout in what analysts are calling the largest financial response ever to a single global crisis. As governments race to source everything from food aid to face masks, they are prioritizing speed over transparency, dropping competitive bidding and other safeguards to keep pace with the pandemic. Most have no choice. Given the speed of the still unfolding crisis, it’s either buy quickly or put millions at risk. But concern is rising about the percentage of the taxpayer dollars—and euros and yen and pesos and more—lining the pockets of corrupt bureaucrats, crony contractors and crime syndicates.

UK PM Boris Johnson returns to face growing virus divisions (AP) British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is returning to work after recovering from a coronavirus infection that put him in intensive care, with his government facing growing criticism over the deaths and disruption the virus has caused. Johnson’s office said he would be back at his desk in 10 Downing St. on Monday, two weeks after he was released from a London hospital. Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab, who has been standing in for the prime minister, said Sunday that Johnson was “raring to go.” Britain has recorded more than 20,000 deaths among people hospitalized with COVID-19, the fifth country in the world to reach that total. Thousands more are thought to have died in nursing homes.

Kids in Spain relish outdoor hour as virus lockdowns ease (AP) Shrieks of joy rang out Sunday in the streets of Spain as children were allowed to leave their homes for the first time in six weeks, while people in Italy and France were eager to hear their leaders’ plans for easing some of the world’s strictest coronavirus lockdowns. The sound of children shouting and the rattle of bikes on the pavement after the 44-day seclusion of Spain’s youngest citizens offered a first taste of a gradual return to normal life in the country that has the second-highest number of confirmed infections behind the United States. “This is wonderful! I can’t believe it has been six weeks,” Susana Sabaté, a mother of 3-year-old twin boys, said in Barcelona. “My boys are very active. Today when they saw the front door and we gave them their scooters, they were thrilled.”

Japan challenged in working from home amid pandemic (AP) When the Japanese government declared an emergency to curb the spread of the coronavirus earlier this month and asked people to work from home, crowds rushed to electronics stores. So much for social distancing. Many Japanese lack the basic tools needed to work from home. Contrary to the ultramodern image of Japan Inc. with its robots, design finesse and gadgetry galore, in many respects the country is technologically challenged. But the bigger obstacle is Japanese corporate culture, experts say. Offices still often rely on faxes instead of email. Many homes lack high-speed internet connections, and documents often must be stamped in-person with carved seals called “hanko,” which serve as signatures. So many Japanese really cannot work remotely, at least not all the time. A survey by YouGov, a British market researcher, found only 18% of those recently surveyed were able to avoid commuting to school or work, even though a relatively high 80% of people in Japan are afraid of catching the virus.

Netanyahu ‘confident’ US will support West Bank annexation (AP) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says he is “confident” he will be able to annex large parts of the occupied West Bank this summer, with support from the U.S. Netanyahu says President Donald Trump’s Mideast plan envisions turning over Israel’s dozens of settlements, as well as the strategic Jordan Valley, to Israeli control.

[snarky-gourmet]

She deleted so I guess all of you got what you wanted. She won’t answer messages on kakao or texts. She didn’t deserve this.

Sorry this took me more than a day to get to, I don’t usually check my inbox unless I get a notif, and then it took a while to write everything out as it is quite lengthy and then on top of that the incidents related to this topic kept persisting literally as I wrote it :)

I checked the time stamp on this when I saw it and it seems like you sent this about an hour after I talked to Madds’ friend yesterday–we had a very civil and pleasant talk that cleared up a lot of stuff and she informed me that Madds is doing just fine, which I’m extremely glad about. **Edit: on March 21st, 2 days after the first conversation between us, I received messages from Madds’ friend to alert us that Madds has contacted an attorney, and then continued to falsely accuse those of us in the group chat, including those who have never had ANY involvement in this from the beginning of the disagreement until now, of stalking and harassing her. Those screenshots will be included at the end of the post.**

There seems to be a lot of rumours going on and a lot of people are under the wrong impression given the fact that Maddison has spread falsehood after falsehood in order to make herself look like the victim in a situation that should have been initially so insignificant, there was no valid reason for victim-hood on either side.

This conflict with Madds has been ongoing for several months now, and all of us involved are honestly done with the false accusations, vague-posting, and borderline harassment. As a result, the decision to make this post was reached.

This post’s purpose is to clear our names and make it known that the things Madds has been saying about us are not true. We do not wish for ANYONE to go after Madds or her friends. We would never want harm to come to her. All we want is for this to stop, and according to her party, that’s what she wants as well, so here we go.

Let me make it clear:

None of us from the fandom-oriented group chat Madds used to be in, and then left on her own after a disagreement, have ever:

-Stalked Madds through her public blog or through any other platforms

-Bullied her off the site

-Stabbed her in the back

-Sent her anon hate/death threats or asked others to on our behalf

-Done anything at all that was malicious towards Madds at any time

The only times any of us have contacted Madds personally since she left the group chat have been to try and reason with her, to try and console her, to try and ask her to stop making vague posts about us, to stop blaming us for the anons she was getting, and to ask her to stop trying to turn shared friends/mutuals against us and let the incident go.

The only times any of us have been to Madds’ new blog after she deleted her old one have been to check on her well being, as we would never want harm to come to her, as well as when she has mentioned any of us by name and people who were shared friends/mutuals brought it to our attention.

I will not be mentioning all names of people involved in this conflict as none of us from the group chat at least, wish to drag any more people into this mess who really didn’t have anything to do with it.

Until this point, my personal role in all of this has been little more than a bystander. I am still an active member of the group chat that Madds left, and I know everyone in there very well. I have witnessed what has happened since the start and with the permission of everyone else from the gc, I’m happy to provide answers as to what has actually been going on.

Below the cut is a timeline containing all screenshots we have of everything that has gone on from the beginning of the conflict leading up to a few days ago now, when Madds apparently made the choice to delete her blog completely unprompted by any of us, who were all making it a point to distance ourselves more than before after she threatened to call the cops on us in a text post because she thought we were stalking her.

Tw for in-depth mentions of suicide baiting and implications of self-harm among other things that may be distressing for some to read.

–

-

The initial disagreement that started all of this took place on November 21st last year, and it is quite frankly, embarrassing and unnecessary that such a small scale disagreement escalated to the extent that it did, and is still ongoing despite our (the gc’s) attempts to reason with, and then when that didn’t work, cease contact with Madds.

We were discussing Key’s upcoming album when Madds (sunshinekibum) brought up how she wishes that sh/awols were more hyped about it, which was a valid point of discussion to be made.

Madds expressed how she felt that she and other lockets couldn’t be happy without others having a negative reaction to it. Kiri brought up the fact that it was close to December, and therefore it was not anyone’s fault if they were not in high spirits, but made it clear that lockets had every right to be happy and there was nothing holding them back from that. Madds apologised, appearing to have taken it the wrong way, then removed herself from the server.

After she had left, Kiri messaged Madds via tumblr to talk things through.

Kiri reiterated that due to the timing of Key’s album being released, she and some other sh/awols were having a hard time being excited and clarified that her words were not meant to be taken as a personal attack on Madds. She apologised, as did Madds, but Madds did not understand that Kiri was not claiming her words to be insensitive. She instead appeared to be using the incident to beat herself up. Kiri pointed out to Madds that she had made a valid point and the way she felt was justified, so there was no reason she should be so harsh on herself.

Madds then explained the reason behind why she left the group chat, citing a difference in viewpoints as well as a desire to not cause any harm, which she had never caused in the first place. Efforts were made to try to get her to see that and possibly invite her back to the gc on her own terms.

Kiri brings up how Madds is misunderstanding her words and feelings about the disagreement in the group chat and doesn’t seem to be interested in seeing her side to things. Madds responds by clarifying that her words were not aimed at Kiri specifically but rather meant as a generalised statement from what she had personally seen. She also acknowledged that proximity to December as a factor, but also stated that she still felt as if she were going to face criticism for being excited by those who were not. Kiri then defends herself, citing Madds’ word choice and tone as the reason for her own words in the group chat.

She continues and points out that Madds is the one beating herself up in this situation, and that no one thought ill of her and no one was harmed by Madds’ words. Kiri then clarifies again what exactly the source of the disagreement was, and requests that Madds does not twist her words as a means to punish herself. Madds apologises.

After this, a bit of time passed, and Madds changed her Tumblr URL to “imaginemp3″. During this same time, there was a post made by Madds that Kiri later alludes to, that appears to reference the disagreement that happened between her and Kiri in the gc, suggesting that she had resentment, or at the very least, remaining displeasure with Kiri for said disagreement. It was later deleted.

Shortly after, Kiri deactivated her previous blog due to an extremely high amount of anon hate and desire to distance herself from the drama at hand. A mutual friend of ours and Madds was also receiving such anons.

After Kiri deactivated, Madds began receiving anons as well, written in the same tonal and vocabulary pattern as the ones Kiri and the mutual friend received, suggesting that they were all sent by the same person. We suspect that Madds is the one who sent them to Kiri, the other recipient, and herself as well. This is the event that Madds claims was all of us in the gc “bullying her off the site”. None of us sent those anons to her. Unfortunately, no screenshots of the ones Kiri nor the other person received exist due to A) the upsetting nature of the messages and B) at the time they received the messages, there was no reason to save evidence of them, seeing as how it was on in retrospect that we suspected Madds of being behind them.

Above are some of the anons that Madds had received, accusing her for being the reason Kiri had deactivated and for suicide baiting her. As a result, Madds makes the last post at the top of the image.

Thinking the worst, many of the people from the group chat and who followed Madds reached out to her via dms and text.

Among those people were Izzy (keyjapandebut) and someone who will be referred to as Sunny, as it is unnecessary to bring their name into undesired drama. Sunny is the 3rd person besides Kiri and Madds to have received the anons just mentioned.

Izzy initiates the conversation and tries to make sure that Madds is alright after the anons she got. Madds deflects, expressing concern for Kiri as priority even after Izzy states that Kiri is fine. Madds continues to place all of the blame on herself unnecessarily. This is when she alludes to the vent post previously mentioned, denying that it was about Kiri or the subject of their disagreement. (Due to the timing of the anons that both Kiri and then Madds received however, as well as the wording in Madds’ post, the opposite appears to be true. Izzy attempts to talk Madds down from the place she was in, and he tries to reason with her.

After Izzy’s first attempt to explain to Madds that she can still talk to Kiri if she needed to, Madds claims that she had been blocked by Kiri on the platforms she could have reached her on, which was not true according to what Kiri had shown us. The most likely explanation, if Madds had indeed sent 4 different discord messages to Kiri, but they had not been delivered, is that since they no longer had a shared server, discord would not deliver Madds’ messages to Kiri. However, when a message does not go through on discord, a bot will reply to the sender with the reason why.

Madds then states that she had requested Sunny to give her phone number to Kiri.

(*There is a missing screen shot before the first message from Izzy in this set. They were taken to show Kiri during this last attempt of his to mediate between the two, then deleted from his device immediately after, so he does not remember the context of the first message.)

Madds once again just asks for Izzy to deliver the message that she says sorry to Kiri and the rest of us. At the same time that Izzy is talking to Madds, he is delivering what Madds asks him to to Kiri. Kiri asks Izzy to relay to Madds that all she wants from this is for Madds to move on. To this request, Madds says she cannot and says that we “can all go be fine without her”. Izzy asks what Madds meant by this, reassures her that what she is suggesting is not necessary for a resolution, and that she had not caused Kiri the amount of distress she thinks she caused her from the disagreement in the gc. To this, Madds seems to shut off, repeating “okay im glad she’s okay”. Izzy picks up on the fact that Madds isn’t really listening anymore, and points it out. Madds continues to just say that “we don’t have to worry about her”.

Izzy attempts to explain as someone who was still on good terms with Madds at this point in time that ceasing all concern over her wasn’t possible, but Madds argued, claiming that since we “all have each other there’s no reason any of us need her”. Izzy sees that as long as Madds is acting like this and continuing to make herself out to both be the sole reason behind all of this as well as the victim at the same time, and tries to reach a resolution with Madds. Madds then says goodbye, that she’ll be okay, and that she is sorry for causing trouble, but will “make sure it doesn’t ever happen again” (that clearly didn’t happen). This was Izzy’s last interaction with Madds.

None of us blamed her for anything that was going on at this point, nor did we ever say anything to imply that we wanted her gone or to feel guilt. All we wanted was for her to stop beating herself up so much–as none of us saw a reason why the disagreement back in November should have caused such distress–and to listen to the words we had to say, as we were genuinely concerned for Madds’ well being.

It was only after later examination of the language that she used during her talk with Izzy, the fact that Madds was still connecting this back to the rather small disagreement that took place, her initial reaction to the disagreement, and the eventual realisation that all of the anons that had been received by Madds, Kiri, and Sunny had the same syntax, that an inkling of suspicion ever rose up in regards to Madds. Izzy in particular became suspicious of Madds due to his first encounter with her when her url was peachykibummie. Madds was a stranger to him, a stranger receiving suicide-baiting anons with the exact same syntax as the ones she, Kiri, and Sunny received. Izzy’s efforts to console her led to a friendship that is now history.

A little while after Izzy and Madds had their conversation, Madds and Sunny had talked. Sunny had told Madds that Kiri wished to speak with her.

(Kiri: Blue Text —— Madds: Grey Text)

The second message that Kiri sends addresses the apparent overreaction Madds has displayed since their disagreement. At this point, suspicion that Madds was acting like this out of desire for some sort of attention was starting to rise up.

To Kiri’s questioning, Madds acts as if she does not understand what Kiri is referring to. Kiri was aware of the way Madds had spoken in the chat with Izzy, as he had been the middleman between Kiri and Madds.

At the bottom of the first image in the set/top of the second image, Kiri brings up the fact that she did not receive any sort of messages from Madds as she had claimed from the conversation with Izzy. Kiri also brings up the post that Madds had made that seemed to have been about her and that seems to have kicked off the series of anons that Kiri, Madds, and Sunny all got.

Madds responds by claiming that she never lied and that Kiri deleted and blocked her over the post she had made, when in reality, Kiri had deactivated due to the anons, and denies that the post was about Kiri, despite the subject matter of the post being the same as the disagreement right down to the details.

(Last text cut off on the bottom reads “Move on. I have.”)

In this series of texts Madds does not understand that everyone was scared for her and that is why multiple individuals checked up on her after she made an alarming goodbye post after the anons she got were suicide baiting her. She then tries to turn the tables on Kiri and accuses her of being the one who is still upset over the disagreement, when the thing Kiri is actually upset over is the post, the anons, Madds essentially disregarding everyone’s concern while attempting to cause guilt at the same time, and then lying about several different things that have happened.

In Kiri’s message she brings up that it was believed that Madds was the one behind all of the anons, as supported by a multitude of details about them. She then clarifies the fact that people checked on her out of concern, as previously mentioned. Kiri also brings up the apparent guilt-tripping that Madds is doing and mentions that she wishes that Madds gets help, but doesn’t wish for Madds to use her as a means to punish herself, which is what she was doing. Lastly, Kiri expresses that she only wanted to ensure that Madds was alright, and that at the end of it all, nothing in the disagreement was important enough for all of this to come out of it.

Those were the last messages exchanged until December 28th.

On December 28th, Kiri has messaged Madds prefacing her request that she drop the situation once and for all after after Kiri had heard from Sunny that Madds was still not past the conflict, and had worked Sunny up enough to cause serious upset, with an apology. Kiri then brings up the fact that she blocked Madds in an attempt to put everything behind them and create distance.

Madds retorts that she had not tried to contact anyone except for Sunny since Kiri had blocked her. Madds then argues that what she says to Sunny about Kiri, who is, once again, someone who is a friend of both Kiri and Madds at this point, is none of her business and that Kiri has “her clean break’ due to the fact that Madds has not talked to her directly.

While it is true that Madds had not spoken to Kiri personally, she had tried to turn Sunny against Kiri, making Kiri out to be malicious towards Madds, and Madds herself the victim. That is what Kiri refers to in her first message in the second picture.

Madds says that it was an honest question for Sunny, and that she is allowed to ask questions and have her own opinions like everyone else. No one had implied that she was not allowed to have her own thoughts and ask questions to Sunny, the question was simply why she had done so if she had supposedly moved on. Kiri acknowledges Madds’ point, and continues asking what Madds’ goal was in asking if she really wanted nothing to do with her.

Madds responds by claiming that her inquiry to Sunny was out of concern for Sunny. Kiri then brings up the fact that while doing so, Madds had caused a significant level of distress to Sunny. Madds responds, suggesting that she did not understand how she had hurt Sunny. Kiri explains that there wouldn’t be a point due to Madds sole response to previous attempts at both Sunny and Kiri explaining how she has caused them harm has been that she “saw how it could come off that way” while never acknowledging what she had done. Kiri then elaborates by telling Madds that Sunny had said to Kiri that Madds had breached Sunny’s trust by attempting to turn her against Kiri.

Madds says that she is getting different stories on the matter, but apologizes for causing issues for Sunny and Kiri. Madds then brings up that her hurting Sunny does not excuse Kiri from hurting Sunny, which was never an argument Kiri tried to make in the situation. Madds also brings up that she wishes to continue the cease of contact that was previously between her and Kiri, and attempts to deflect any further discussion on the matter by claiming that Sunny does not want to be in the middle, which she would not have been if Madds had not tried to turn Sunny against Kiri.

Kiri points out that Madds has no knowledge of how she and Sunny had resolved things between them, and brings attention to the fact that Kiri has not mentioned Madds to Sunny or anyone else, but Madds was in fact mentioning Kiri in poor regards to Sunny, and that was the issue currently at hand.

Madds claims that Kiri is the one upset, and not herself, despite the fact that she had attempted to turn Sunny against Kiri for no apparent reason. Madds again cites concern for Sunny as being the motive behind asking why Sunny was still friends with Kiri. Madds apologises that her actions had hurt Kiri but does not feel as if she was in the wrong for her actions as they were supposedly out of concern for Sunny. She then claims again that she had let the disagreement go a while ago.

Kiri, done with being given the run-around by Madds, suggests a mutual agreement between the two of them to not bring each other up in any capacity any more, and that the two of them part ways and have their peace. Madds responds negatively, does not agree to the proposition, and again brings up that Kiri had contacted her first, which would not have happened had Madds not upset Sunny, and again pushes that what she says to others is none of Kiri’s business, apparently even if it directly involves Kiri.

To this, Kiri says that Sunny is not Madds’ friend, and Madds deflects by saying that Kiri and Sunny have different opinions on that matter and that it is not her issue. The last messages are sent by Kiri and are a request for Madds to gain maturity when dealing with conflict.

After this, there was no contact between any of us and Madds for a significant period of time. Madds had deleted her blog of her own volition. We had no reason to bring up her name in any capacity in the group chat, therefore we didn’t.

When things had settled, Kiri had created a new blog. Sometime during this duration, Madds had also remade and began claiming that we bullied her off the site. She began making vague posts that were in regards to us as well as posts that mentioned Kiri’s name and old URL specifically. These posts ranged from petty to the more malicious ones that were of Madds telling people the falsehood that we drove her off Tumblr.

There was no stalking involved to find her new blog, and to accuse us of such a thing is ludicrous. We are all in the same fandom, and due to this, Madds’ new blog was stumbled upon. We had no idea it was actually her until people who knew us alerted us of easytolovemp3 (Madds) talking shit about us, specifically Kiri. 2 and 2 were put together. Still then, only a handful of us who were actively present in the gc’s conversation at this time actually knew this was Madds, as the rest of us, namely myself and 1 other individual, were at our jobs at the time. Izzy and Kiri both blocked easytolovemp3 as soon as they knew it was Madds, not wishing to have contact with her.

Below is an image of a one of the petty incidents, essentially falsely accusing Kiri of being a kboo. This was brought to our attention through someone who was a shared mutual of both Madds and Kiri on their new blogs. You can see Kiri mentioned by name, and that is how this got around to us.

We were never actively dwelling on Madds’ new blog (or stalking as she put it) and until 2 weeks ago, two of us still didn’t know her new URL. One of us only found out yesterday. As a result, we do not have screenshots of all of the things she said during this time, nor did we save any of the screenshots others sent to us. The thought that this would be a still escalating issue at this point did not cross our minds back then, and honestly? We didn’t want to save the needlessly upsetting posts Madds had made.

Eventually, Kiri started receiving anon hate on her new blog and quietly abandoned it.

Sunny and Madds are still in contact at that point. Due to unrelated reasons, Izzy had deleted his blog some time in December. He recreated a new one this month with the purpose to have it as an art blog. It does not have his english name on it and the focus was on a different fandom.

Now we get to the point on the timeline that took place last week (the week of March 11th).

I had direct messaged Izzy on discord asking if he knew that Madds had deleted all of her posts except for several alarming and concerning ones, and he checked it out. I had gotten word from this from a friend. This was the first time that I had been to Madds’ blog and the first time I even knew this was her.

On her blog, everything was deleted except for posts of her once again accusing us of stalking her, as well as her essentially suggesting that she was going to commit suicide.

Both Izzy and I were extremely worried for Madds, as we would never want anything bad to happen to her. Despite the fact that she had accused the gc of stalking, bullying her off the site, sending her death threats, stabbing her in the back, etc., the fact that it seemed like she was going to harm herself was extremely upsetting. She is someone who we used to be friends with, after all.

In the first image, Madds claims in the tags of the bottom post that half of us have her blocked, which was not true. Only Izzy on his old blog and Kiri on her new one had her blocked. Izzy did not yet have Madds blocked on the newest blog he had just made. Everyone else in the gc had also not blocked her because some of us didn’t know about her blog until the most recent post about us “bullying her off tumblr” came to our attention and some of us had absolutely no involvement with the original disagreement and therefore, had no reason to even think about Madds. Kayden, for example, never had her blocked and had no involvement in any of this besides his proximity to Kiri and being in the group chat. We had indeed not interacted with her, but her claim that half of us had her blocked is incorrect.

We never sent her any of the anons she got on her imaginemp3 account, therefore her claims that we ruined the “one place she felt safe” and “ruined almost all her friendships” have no grounds and seem to be made purely for the sake of getting attention. Again, we strongly suspect that she was the one who sent her own self those anons. Additionally, if you recall the conversations Madds had with Kiri, she is told what exactly she did wrong: the issue was not the trivial disagreement back in November of last year, but the way she was spreading rumours, twisting words, and trying to turn people against us. Her claim to be the one “crying about it almost daily struggling with figuring out what she did wrong” makes no sense.

Shortly after we viewed the post, she had blocked both Izzy and I. Odd since neither of us had made contact with her or mentioned her in any way. It is unclear how she got Izzy’s new blog’s URL as his blog is no longer Sh/inee-oriented, has his English name no where on it, and no one outside of the group chat was privy to his new blog belonging to him. This, along with the timing of some of the vague posts Madds made previously, lead us to the conclusion that we believe someone in our group chat was essentially serving as a spy and sending Madds information on us. It does not add up any other way. The person/people who were possible suspects were removed from the group chat and we have had no further incidents directly tied to our suspicions.

On the left there is a new post coming after the ones in the left-hand image from the last set. On the right are more anons that she got.

The message on the top is the only reason Izzy and I continued checking on Madds’ blog at this point despite both of us now being blocked. It was to check on someone who seems to have posted a final goodbye–that’s what you do when you’re worried about someone, and we had more than reason to be worried.

Please take note of the one anon with the “x” signing the end of their message for later reference.

Above is an image of the post Madds had made after the ones in the previous set. Izzy had checked Madds’ blog early in the morning of last Tuesday, the 19th, to see if she was alright. He messaged me to tell me about it, as Madds was now threatening legal action against us, and I checked for myself, extremely alarmed.

In this post you can see a whole list of accusations Madds has against us, some very bitter adjectives, a lot of nasty names, and of course, the threat to contact the police. The nature of this post speaks for itself, so I don’t really feel the need to dissect it too much. “Terrified to make any move online because I knew you all would be waiting to ruin me again,” however, is especially interesting due to the fact that she was the one slandering Kiri’s name in particular, and every single time Kiri got a new blog, she received an avalanche of anons extremely similar to the others she had gotten before, some even bringing up personal matters that she only ever mentioned in the privacy of the group chat.

Considering the fact that we had done nothing in this extensive list, and she would have known this considering she was the one who had fabricated these baseless accusations, her threats to call the police on a group entirely composed of minorities, the majority being non-white and not a single one of us being cishet, honestly comes off as insidious.

(Some anons that were extremely similar in nature have been omitted due to the length of this post.)

On the left side of the screen shot, the first anon censors out Kiri’s most well known past URL, blingblingis. Madds clarifies that she was previously imaginemp3 before she deleted that blog and remade. “What she tried to pull with me,” alludes to the fabricated stalking, bullying, and other false accusations directed at Kiri and the rest of us. Madds then mentions in the tags that she knows that Kiri has a new blog, however she claims to not know the URL.

The second image in the screenshot can be taken as proof that Madds had spread rumours about Kiri bullying her off the site. Unless Madds sent this anon to her own self, in which case it is evidence of something else.

Please continue to note the “x” signing the end of that anon.

After taking note of all of this, Izzy and I both decided that it was in our best interest to no longer check on Madds even out of concern for her safety. We didn’t want for her to mistake that as stalking and push her towards legal action. It was unclear how Madds even knew we were checking on her at this point.

Later that day, I briefly and vaguely mentioned in the dms to a tumblr user I am friends with what was going on. Without me mentioning Madds by name, only (to be read in sarcastic tones) “How great it was to have someone who you used to be friends with threatening to call the cops on you and your friends over falsified accusations of stalking, harassing, intimidation, and bullying, all because she didn’t know how to handle a tiny fight over kpop,” she, who will be referred to as Moon, immediately knew who I was talking about.

As it turns out, Moon and Madds had spoken before, and Moon told me in a separate message that Madds was giving out a list of names of everyone in the group chat who she was accusing of stalking her, to those who messaged her asking for it. She also mentioned that Madds had told her the fabricated story of everything she claimed we had done to her, which made “us all sound fucking awful”.

The next day, Moon alerted me that Madds had deleted her tumblr out of the blue.

About an hour after Moon had told me that, Madds’ friend, who I mentioned way back at the very beginning of this post, messaged me.

Due to the fact that this individual is a minor that Madds has dragged into a dispute between adults and used as a middleman, they will be referred to as Nova to protect their identity. Please do not ask for their url. Please do not seek them out.

Nova begins interrogating me, who had no in-depth involvement prior to checking on Madds’ blog during her most recent alarming series of posts. Nova demands to know why the supposed “stalking” is going on “even though no one seems to want to talk to her after all of this” (correct!)

I clarify that none of us are stalking Madds, nor have ever stalked her or acted with any form of malice towards her. I also bring up the fact that I didn’t even know easytolovemp3 was Madds until my friend had seen the post making false accusations against us and told me. The fact that she did not have me blocked until after I looked at her blog is also something I brought light to, as well as the fact that the only time any of us from the gc have made contact with her since she left have been to ask her to stop posting about us.

Nova then presses for why we all still wanted to know about Madds and expresses that she thinks that it would’ve been better for us all just to leave it.

I do my best to remain extra civil during the exchange, as I do not wish to make things somehow worse than being threatened with legal action.

At the top of the left side, Nova has sent another message directly following her last one, asking for further clarification on the situation that’s taking place.

I provide a watered down and brief summary of what had happened to that point. I also state that the only reason anyone from the gc even knew about Madds’ new blog was due to the fact that she had literally mentioned Kiri by name. That Madds’ name was only brought up when Madds herself had done something directly affecting any of us, and that was also the only time Kiri had contacted her, was also brought up.

Nova asks how word got around that Madds remade and I clarify again that it was due to the fact that she had mentioned Kiri by name and everyone who knew put 2 and 2 together.

Nova presses again to know if we’re still worried about her, and I answer by saying that we are just worried about whether she may hurt herself, but no one has checked on her blog recently due to the fact that we don’t want our concern to be taken as “stalking”.

Nova accepts my explanation and then claims that Madds is alright and is “pretty much completely moved on now”, which is exactly the impression we all got from being threatened with legal action (this is sarcasm).

Not wanting to stir any issues between Nova and myself, as the conversation was actually going in a very civil manner, I say that I am glad that Madds is alright after her previous posts.

Nova thanks me for answering the questions and I assume that we are done with That.

However, on the 21st I received the first message on the right side of the screen shot from Nova.

Sunny has stated that she got the same message from Nova. She tried to calmly explain herself and Nova replied by telling her she doesn’t have the right to feel upset, in spite of Sunny’s urging that she didn’t do anything.

Nova notifies me that Madds has followed through with her threat of legal action in the form of contacting an attorney, and has named a handful of us from the group chat that she has accused of stalking and harassing her. She then tells me to pass along the message, which I do.

I write back, asking Nova to tell Madds that none of us have done the things she is accusing us of, and now attempting to prosecute us for, and that I am planning to make a post with every single screen shot of proof we are in possession of proving that she has lied and fabricated every single part of her story she has spread around about us as a response to this anon I am answering right now. I then pass along the promise from the gc that we all plan to fully cooperate if Madds gets an attorney, as we have done nothing wrong. This promise still stands.

Nova starts out by demanding to know how I knew her name, to which I respond that Kiri had told me who she was when I passed her warning of legal action along. I then begin questioning Nova as to what exactly Madds wants from all of this, as it has been literally months, and not only has she not let it go, but she has progressively made the situation worse for every single person involved, and has even dragged people who were never initially involved into it.

To my question, Nova claims that all Madds wanted was “to be left alone”. Nova then states that she remade with the intent of none of us ever finding her again, despite Madds mentioning Kiri by name, and then carries on to imply that it was somehow unthinkable that myself, Kiri, and the rest of the gc had access to Madds’ public blog that well over half of us were never blocked from. Additionally, Nova brings up the fact that Kiri had vented to Sunny about the fact that Madds was still not letting things go between them and was talking shit about all of us without any provocation whatsoever on any of our behalves. Nova also claims that “none of this would have happened if Kiri had just left her blog alone and stopped dragging (people?) into it” despite the fact that Kiri, nor any of us were actively “stalking” Madds’ blog, and we were all trying to stay away from her. Once again: Madds was the one dragging people into this. Nova again reiterates her claim that Madds “just wanted to be left alone and requests for all of us to “let it be over”, which is something we were all very much trying to do before shit hit the fan.

I make it clear that “Izzy blocked Madds as soon as he found out it was her in order to prevent any contact with her. Alex hasn’t been in the gc in forever. Kayden’s only association with this is that he is in the group chat. Kiri only found out about Madds’ new blog due to the fact that Madds kept on vagueing about her” (and blocked her immediately)  and that due to the fact that we are all in the same fandom, it’s not as far fetched at all as Nova, and apparently Madds, are claiming it to be that Madds public blog was found out by us when people notified us of the slander going on.

Nova only says “She’s gone you don’t have to worry about it” in response to my message.

I bring up the fact that Madds is the only one still hung up over everything, and point out that we never talk about her unless she has done something to slander us recently, as we have no reason to. Again, I make it clear that we never did any of the things Madds claims we did and that she has painted herself as the victim in what, in reality, was a victimless disagreement. Lastly, I express exasperation with the situation, stating I don’t know what else Nova wants me to say here.

Nova responds by repeating that Madds is gone, which sounds like she is suggesting she is now dead in order to make us feel guilty. Thanks! Shame on you.

From this point until otherwise noted, it is a collection of accounts from Sunny as well as texts between Kiri and Alex to further back everything up.

Here is Kiri messaging Alex to confirm that Alex has only talked to Madds once, when they had messaged her after the initial disagreement and Madds was receiving anons telling her to kill herself among other things.

This is a quote from a conversation between Sunny and Madds after Sunny found out that Madds had posted threatening to call the cops on us. Screenshots might be able to be retrieved, but the original conversation between the two has been deleted since it took place.

Sunny: whatever you do, I am begging you to leave Izzy out of this. Please think about what the consequences could be about calling the cops on a mentally ill trans black man. Please.

Madds: I don’t care. If he wasn’t involved he should have nothing to worry about. Maybe he should have thought about that.

Here is a screenshot of texts between Kiri and Sunny discussing that Madds had then told the same thing to Sunny that she had said about Izzy:

Sunny has also provided the following statements:

“She (Madds) would often message me to ask how I feel about this stuff and said “don’t you know they hate me for things I didn’t do” and then mock me when I said I was not understanding.”

“(Madds) Suicide baited me when she knows that’ll work to scare me because of my PTSD.” This is in reference to the fact that Sunny’s childhood best friend killed herself and Sunny had confided this information to Madds when they were on friendly terms.

“She sends me this shit whenever I unblock her to tell her to stop posting about y’all, then threatens to delete and/or hurt/kill herself when I don’t feel sorry for her:

“

Sunny has also stated that she received this same exact anon that I am answering right now! That is so interesting and not at all suspicious or questionable!

Now if I can please ask you to recall the anons with the x signing the end of their messages.

This is a screenshot provided by Kiri (Kirious) of an anon an unrelated blog had received while she and Madds were still friends, before the conflict had started.

In this screenshot of the conversation in the group chat, you can see a photo sent by Kiri of that anon, calling blingblingis a “known bully and liar” as well as “literal trash”. The anon then tells the blog to turn off anon if Kiri sends her “minions”, presumably meaning the rest of us in the gc, after them. The message is signed with an “x”. We suspect that this was Madds sending that anon to that blog due to the fact that it is signed with an x just like the ones Madds had gotten.

Also just like the one that Madds’ friend, Nova had received:

(Screen shot taken by me after Nova messaged me yesterday and before Kiri told me who she was. I had visited Nova’s blog trying to figure out who the hell I was talking to)

The common use of the word “minions” is also a very interesting coincidence. Make of those what you will, but it’s clear that it’s likely either Madds herself or someone “doing her bidding for her”. They have censored Kiri’s name out.

Several of the anons that Madds was receiving longer ago, before this mess, that caused Izzy to initially reach out to Madds at the start of their friendship were also tagged with x’s.

Lastly, but still related, here is a screenshot of the group chat when Kiri got anons mentioning her home life, something that she only discussed in the group chat, and therefore, was only known to members of the group. This also took place before November 21st. These anons were sent to Kiri after the unrelated blog got the anon signed with an “x”.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that having to provide a ton of screenshots to clear our names after all this damage Madds did was unforeseen, screenshots of the actual anons do not exist.

If you’ve made it to the very end of this very lengthy post, I want to thank you for the time you took to read it.

Let it be known that this post was made as an attempt to finally put a stop to Maddison doing the exact thing she accused us of doing so persistently: stalking, harassing, threatening, lying, backstabbing, sending violently malicious anons, and bullying people into remaking their blogs.

We do not wish for ANYONE to go after those who have ties to Madds, nor those who got dragged into this or provided us with helpful information, and that is why we have omitted so many names. If those people wish to come forward with their identity, that is up to them and only them.

So, no anon. We did not get what we wanted. Thank you for asking, though. We just want this to stop, it’s been long overdue.

[pmddnutter]

Running a business with PMDD

I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS.  It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms.  Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.

The WHO defines PMDD as:

“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]

PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide.  There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped.  Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.

PMDD and Me

For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.

She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing.  Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode!  She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.

And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard!  As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time?  So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!

With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome.  I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.

But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard.  Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments.  But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened.  But other times I crash bad…  I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me.  Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic.  I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.

One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts.  The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job.  The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me.  The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all.  Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT!  I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)

So why am I writing this blog now?

It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019!  At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money.  Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products.  Believe me, the irony of this is not lost!  The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need.  A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day.  You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad.  But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…

I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby.  It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date.  It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched.  I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle.  I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back.  Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.

My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…

Thanks for reading,

Emma xx

For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.

You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.

[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11

[icewindandboringhorror]

hmmm’st....Another group of replies since I’m trying to keep up with my inbox better this year !! (I know #3 is missing, I accidentally mislabeled them and skipped straight to 4 and don’t feel like re-editing the photos lol ) 

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1. “What would you recommend doing with a 1x1 ft square of tapestry-eqsue fabric ?” (question typed out in a shortened way/some words left out)

Hmm, I’m not really sure!  I always have problems with tiny squares of fabrics since I often like.. am in love with the colors or texture or pattern or etc, but at the same time it’s too small to actually serve as a really substantial part of the outfit lol, so I usually just use them in small ways for accents? Squares are really good for making collars out of, since you can just cut a hole in the middle and put your head through it and it’s done lol, but you can also tuck them into shirt collars or belts so they hang out a little and just serve as a pop of color or something. If you don’t mind cutting it, you could also turn it into little strips or change the shape, make it into a small pocket/bag, wrap pieces around the arm or tie it around boots as decor, tie the cut up buts together to make it into a longer piece of fabric then use that as a belt or sash or headband, etc. Idk, I have trouble with small fabric bits as well, but maybe some of these ideas help!!

(other answers under read more so it doesn’t get long)

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(note: sorry to everyone who's questions I had to shorten when re-typing them here, I hope I abbreviated them okay and didn't leave out anything you saw as very important! The full message is still shown in the images above and I just wanted to save myself a little time on the typing aaa!) 

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2. “Sorry this is random,  but you seem like a very nice and thoughtful person. Hope you have a happy new year”

Thank you!! I always try to include one or two of these nice ones in here just to continue to show appreciation for people who send me kind things! Even if I don’t respond to all of them (since I feel really awkward just like.. publicly responding to a ton of compliments lol), still know that I really appreciate it! I hope you also have a great year, anon! 

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3. accidental mislabeling error means free space for cat image

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4. “will you do more videos? vlogs, tutorials, explaining your art, games, podcast, anything? sorry if it's weird to say, but I just really enjoy listening to you speak!” (question typed in a shortened way/not fully quoted) 

Possibly? I just can’t think of many things to make that would work well for me?

vlogs:  I don’t like to do vlogs anymore because of my mental illness and becoming more anxious about showing my face or daily life in public. Though I do enjoy aspects of the “lifestyle blogging” sort of content, like I think it would be cool to be able to make easy videos where all I do is sit down and talk about my hair or something for 20 minutes lol, or etc., but I guess as I get less comfortable with showing myself, I tend to stray away from stuff like that?

(this is also why I’ve been shifting more towards like... costumes, art, world-building, making games, etc. as opposed to outfits/personal style/personal life type content, since I feel much more comfortable being framed as more of a ‘detached and faceless creator that shows some personality but is still mostly obscured’ than ‘open personality that posts selfies and talks about their life extensively’ or etc. Obviously I still post personal stuff like questions and thoughts/opinions and cat images and etc., but less so.. like I don’t even remember the last time I posted an actual selfie where my face wasn’t obscured by costume makeup or something lol..) 

I would absolutely still do stuff like “room tour” or “what’s in my bag” videos, or like a single video showing my usual daily routine or something,,  if those were ever requested of me/interest was shown in them..  I’m okay with small one time “lifestyle” genre sort of content. But anything too invasive or long term (daily/frequent vlogging, or like “story time” videos) I think I would get uncomfortable with lol. 

tutorials: I’m not really sure what I would do tutorials on? If you want me to make a tutorial about something, feel free to let me know something in specific! My main problem is that I don’t feel like there’s anything unique that I do that there aren’t  already 100 other tutorials for, so I’m never sure what I should make those about. I get occasional asks with people saying “do a makeup tutorial” or “do a sculpting tutorial” or something, but they don’t ever say WHAT SPECIFIC makeup or what SPECIFIC thing they’d like to see me explain, so then I’m still left alone with vagueness and unsure what to do lol! 

art explanation: Same kind of goes for the “explaining your art” thing like, what art? Explaining what specifically about it? You mean worldbuilding? Or sculptures? etc.??  I’m actually always happy to make videos for anything people want to see (since I enjoy the process of making them, usually), but I just am never sure exactly what to do. But if I had specific prompts I would be glad to explain something though! Videos are fun, I just never know what to make them about lol

games: I would absolutely love to do let’s plays/game videos or something (I assume this is what you meant by just saying ”games”??)  since I enjoy games, and my whole thing about not being able to relax (I feel guilty about playing games (or any other leisure activity) unless it’s working towards something, I have to have a way to justify the activity being productive, which is why I rarely ever play games despite liking them a lot lol..but if I made videos or etc. it would feel slightly more worth the time/effort).. But seeing as I’m fairly lower income I really don’t have much money to buy games, and I don’t have a very good computer situation lol. I would need to have money to fix my current computer, and a few other things, etc. etc. 

 Idk, it’s something I think about occasionally and that would be extremely convenient  for me and my current situation (in terms of having something simultaneously low effort/relaxing/ suitable to my needs/mental illness/physical issues, but also that feels productive at the same time), but it’s also a very weird genre of stuff (idk if I’d feel comfortable being anywhere near the broader “games” community ghggb), and I would need a little money first lol.. 

podcast: I would never start my own podcast because I have no idea what I would even have a podcast about, and I also don’t have any friends who do that sort of thing (podcasts usually have multiple people, right??). I would do one with someone else or something like if a close friend asked me I guess, but idk... I couldn’t ever see that being something I start by myself?? Especially since I don’t know anything about them or what equipment or programs are required to edit together the audio, I’ve only listened to a few of them every once in a while, etc. am not really tech savvy in the field of like. how podcasts work ggh. So that’s probably the most unlikely one out of everything you listed, sorry!! 

As for other stuff, I’ve thought of answering questions in audio form instead (so rather than writing them out here, I’d just make a video (though not with visuals, since I don’t like filming myself talking..maybe I could put footage of cats over the audio though lol) of me going through my inbox and answering things, since I feel like typing takes me so much longer than speaking, and sometimes it’d be more convenient). 

I’ve also thought about just like.. talking about world-building stuff, like.. rather than writing out a post, I can just ramble about things or something,, but I’m afraid I’d get too disorganized, so it’d probably only be good for answering questions about specific things (which I don’t really get questions about worldbuilding stuff that I could have enough to sit down and answer in a video lol.. I think I’ve gotten two so far?? which I already answered in text posts).

So idk, maybe those could also be ways to hear more of me talking? If I used audio more often to answer things or discuss things (like answering asks that way) rather than typing.. which would save me time anyway lol.. But I just feel unsure about it since it seems.. weird.. like.. some people might just want a quick answer to their ask and not have to skip to a certain time stamp of a video and hear me talk about it for 5 minutes lol.. 

But anyway, yeah, feel free to offer specific suggestions or support towards anything mentioned if it’s really something you want to see! I really appreciate that you even watched the silly little vocabulary video and especially that you actually enjoy my rambling lol (I sometimes feel annoying when I speak), and I hope I can make something sometime!! I just have trouble deciding on what content I should be making or etc., but maybe I’ll try to find a few more things I can do where I’m actually talking! 

(also thanks for hoping I feel okay! I am a little bit better, but still sick lol)

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5. “Hope you feel better (emoji heart that I can't type on a computer)”

Thank you!! It’s been really stink to be sick the entire first month of the year lol, but hopefully I’ll be better like.. by mid February at least!!! With how goal focused I am, it’s been like... utterly evil to not be able to start the year off well and get all of my to-do list stuff done.. I’m finally at a point where I’m finishing a few things again (like this post, and a few of the worldbuilding things from a week ago or etc), but I still can’t stop myself being.... deeply annoyed, by my loss of time and how much I feel like I should have gotten done already aaaAAA.

Especially I REALLY WANT TO DO another costume soon!!!! I have some laid out in my closet that I hope to do, but I keep waiting until I’m feeling better, since I’m afraid of having some random sickness related health problem in the middle of getting dressed and then having to like.. show up to the doctor while I have elf ears on and half a horn on my head or something ghghggh... 

But anyway, I can’t do anything to change it now, so the best I can manage is just to kind of.. ignore my losses and move forward and try to be as productive as possible from now on! I really hope I can still get some of my main goals (like the game, costumes, music, worldbulding stuff) finished in reasonable time, even if I basically lost the entire month of January into a void lol. Sometimes you just lose an entire month of time... life is just Like That and you have to move on and make the most out of it I guess! 

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6. Would you ever like consider selling your outfits???? I have an extended non violent larping thing coming up and i really love your outfits!

I might actually! I mentioned it before I think like, months ago, but i have a LOT of clothes I really want to get rid of, it’s just that it’s SO daunting. I’ve sold clothes before and it took hours and hours of effort, and you have to constantly keep up with it and track sales, and on top of that I really underestimated shipping prices (especially making the mistake of shipping internationally on one of them I think), and I ended up making no profit and actually losing $70 just from paying people’s shipping that I didn’t charge them for (which for me and my financial situation is.. A LOT.. like.. I do NOT have that kind of spare money ghghh).

This time I want to be careful about it and also I’ll have to charge a lot more (which of course, I feel guilty about since I have Bigg Money Anxiety and wish everything was free for everyone all the time gghb), and also it’s hard for me to find the time and energy to take literally hundreds of photos of hundreds of items and then list them somewhere and etc. etc. etc. 

BUT to cut down on that workload I’ve thought about actually just grouping them into outfits or like, groups of clothing that all match each other or etc. and selling them all together (so that I don’t have to photograph and list every individual item), and additionally that way I can maybe just do one batch at a time like.. maybe sell two of them a week or something, instead of all at once. 

Maybe just buying a certain size of box/envelope thing and stuffing whatever I can into it and selling them all for a set price like $40 a piece or something. Which to me sounds extremely expensive I guess since I’m someone who would never have $40 to just spend on clothing lol, but I really kind of can’t go much lower than that if I want to allot for shipping and not make the same mistakes again as last time (and definitely not allow people to buy internationally unless they pay me like.. $50 extra or something, which would be ridiculous lol). 

But anyway, especially since I have a few things I could really use money for (paying my guardians back for recent medical copays, and for my cat’s vet visit a few months ago, and also I have to fix the battery on my computer or buy a new one, etc.), I’ve thought about trying to do that soon!  Maybe sometime in the next month I can start listing some themed clothing groups/outfits/etc. and sell them at a slower better pace for me (like one group a week or so). I’ll definitely post about it if I do!

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7. (this one will have to be shortened a lot since it's so long, but I'll try to just type the main parts I'm replying to)  “Are you making/would you consider making a story with your fantasy worlds? Like a book or a zine or youtube videos where you roleplay as the characters and make them talk to the viewer or each other? If you don't want to create plot, you could just do characters seeking to educate humans bout their cultures or something.  I used to scroll past your posts since I'm more visual when it comes to fantasy, before realizing how interesting they are and I feel like your ideas need more playing out and exposure. ALSO, how do you feel about collaborating with other people on creating art? Or just being art pals and sharing ideas/plans/etc.? I just read your FAQ about collaborations so I understand the terms and my offer to be art friends still stands!” 

-- About whether I’ll make more things with my world:  

Thanks so much for the very nice message!! Worldbuilding stuff is one of the most fun creative activities for me to do, so I always appreciate it when people discuss it with me and etc. (not that I don’t also appreciate compliments on sculptures and costumes and etc., those are great too! But I guess because world stuff is something I’m so much more personally invested in yet also never get to talk about lol, anytime anyone sends me anything related to characters or worlds or etc my brain is instantly like !!!!!!!!!!!!! O v O !!!!!!!!!!!  ghgh). 

I am actually making a game like I may have mentioned a few times, which though it’s more character focused and doesn’t really have a plot/broader story (it’s basically like a dating sim except without romance/dating, but it has similar mechanics in the sense that the main goal is to get to know characters in the world and do tasks for them and etc.), it will include a good bit of things that have do with my world, seeing as it like... takes place there. 

And since each of the characters have their own backgrounds and etc., they’ll of course speak about various world-related topics. Like for example, one of the shop-owners you can work for is an elf from outside of the elven alliance, and another shop the player can work at is owned by a set of twins who were formerly part of a royal family within the alliance, so those characters (when getting to know them and doing quests for them and etc) will of course have different perspectives on the world and talk about some of the stuff that’s been brought up in my worldbuilding posts, just obviously in a more personal/casual way, since it’s dialogue rather than me writing exposition infodump posts. 

Like for example, the fact that alliance elves and non-alliance elves often have very different takes on the main elven religion, meaning if it comes up in conversation, both shopkeepers would give different dialogue relating to it, etc. Which since every character has their own unique situation and heritage and etc. (the game is set on a popular market street in a large global city, so here it actually makes sense for a bunch of different species to all be in the same place and etc.), I think could maybe expose players to a lot of the central worldbuilding concepts, depending on which shopkeeper they go with. 

Obviously characters aren’t going to just be doing unnatural exposition dumps about the extensive background of the world or something lol, but even just naturally and playing through a character with neutral favor (meaning not unlocking any special positive/negative dialogue options/etc), you’d still be able to get at least a few tidbits about the world. (especially since some character’s conflicts stem from cultural/worldbuilding factors, so it’s not unnatural for them to bring it up if that’s like.. something that seriously impacts their life lol.). It probably wont expose people to Advanced Lore like the time gaps or obscure types of magic or etc (well.. depending on which shopkeepers you talk to hbhbb), but it could help with some of what you’re talking about.. In the sense of it being a more accessible visual medium that, while not the MAIN focus of the game, does end up covering some of the world background information through natural dialogue. 

(always feel free to send an ask or something if you have any questions about the game, I never talk about it but every time I start to my brain unlocks and I have to stop myself from like.. saying literally every single thing about it ghgbhj)

Other than that though, I’m not currently working on anything that actually involves my world. I totally get what you mean though, and I’ve often tried thinking of ways to make it more accessible and etc (shorter posts, more clear topics, more visual elements, etc.), but it can be hard for me to work within those constraints when it already takes so much time for me to put those things together. It’s like I have so much planned out in my head, I kind of just want to get it out there however I can, since if I spend too much time deliberating about it or etc. it will become an endless task lol..

Ghhbh I actually have an extensive background in acting out characters, I’ve pretty much walked around talking to myself in different voices and etc. for my whole life and am used to like acting multiple characters at once and improvisational storytelling things (this is still what I spend a lot of my time doing lol.. I just.. walk around my house having conversations out loud pretending to be random people.. Especially when doing chores, like washing dishes or etc. is more fun if you pretend you’re a group of travelers working in a weird little elven restaurant bickering with each other the whole time hgh), but idk if that would be something I would do for videos. I feel weird about being on camera personally, even if I were in costume. But it is a really good suggestion since that is something which would be much much easier to produce than like, doing a full animation or writing a book or something lol. 

I have thought of reading my worldbuilding posts aloud/ doing audio versions of them, so that people could just listen to them instead of reading them (there would be no visuals like.. just black screen or something with audio of me reading it), but the way I write is like.. hard to read back? I love to read out loud (one of my favorite activities to entertain myself is to actually find random text I’ve never seen before and see how well I can sightread it. Especially random medical articles with a lot of words I don’t know in them lol, it’s fun to just try to go through a new text fast in a convincing narrator voice or something, scrambling to mess up as little as possible), but I find that I have to modify my writing in order to read it that way (I’ve attempted to make a worldbuilding audio thing before, this is how I know this lol), so it’s almost like I’m writing a whole second version of the post, which makes it take longer?

I could modify my writing style (less having things in parentheses and etc., side sentences that occur in the middle of main sentences and break reading flow, etc.. Like this one lol), and have thought about writing in a way that would be easier for me to read back, but it’s just a whole thing I’d have to plan. I’ve definitely considered it though, and could pursue that idea further if people were interested or something! 

I’ve also thought of writing dialogue out between characters as a method of worldbuilding (not a story, but more like a script) since I think that’s a good natural way to convey things or give snapshots of moments in history or etc... but like.. That would just be more text so it wouldn’t really solve the problem lol. I could do audio reading them I guess, but since I’m more used to improv stuff, idk how I would do trying to read actual already written lines, even if I was the one who wrote them, it would definitely be something I’ve never done before lol!  

I also just think doing smaller things could help, and anything interactive. Like shorter posts, especially with more visuals in them, typically get seen more, and then stuff like me making a game or other condensed things.. I’ve thought of making like.. a character selection screen, not an actual game but kind of like a dress up game where you get to choose your background from the different species in my world and then dress them up a little or etc. but that would be a LOT more work than it seems probably lol.

A lot of social media is just a combination of luck/the right connections, quantity, and consistency especially. I’m sure if I could do a short post a day or a drawing of a character every other day or something and reblog them a lot, then more people would see the other things I do as well and etc., but it’s just... very difficult for me to operate that way since it’s so inherently antithetical to my personality and how I work lol (I tend to be more of a.. .. ‘stay isolated working on things and barely post anything for 3 months then post 10 things at once out of nowhere before going inactive again’ type of person ghbh.. which is like.. horrible from a Social Media Strategy standpoint). 

(Oh also, I still have no idea what a zine is even though I've seen them around and looked at a few and even looked up the definition of one to try to understand them hhghgg.. I’m still not exactly sure like.. what qualifies as one or how I would make a world-related one lol.. so this is why I didn’t really go into much detail on that specific suggestion of yours since.. I’m Uneducated Fool )  

But anyway, Idk if I could do acting videos, but I could do audio reading of posts or other things, and I am at least in the middle of working on a game which heavily involves elements of the world, so maybe that counts for what you’re talking about! 

Though personally it really doesn’t matter much to me if many people see my world stuff or etc., since really all the fun is just that I sincerely enjoy coming up with ideas and creating worlds and etc., even if I’m not doing anything major with it ( making a book series or comics or etc. I don’t feel like worldbuilding has to be working toward another project, and like that it can just be done for it’s own sake as a hobby), I still truly appreciate the sentiment and that you enjoy the world enough to give suggestions and etc. for stuff like that!! I’m going to keep at it however I can just because I love doing it so much, no matter if anyone really pays attention, but it is always unexpected and very meaningful when people like you engage with the content, so thank you for that! I’ll continue trying to make things and be productive and maybe use a few new ideas here and there just so it’s easier for people like you who tend to be more visual with things. I want to avoid leaving people out, and try to make a variety of things that can cater to more visual people as well or etc.! 

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-- About possibly being art friends or working together: 

Well you said you read the collaboration FAQ, so I’m under the impression that I no longer need to answer that part of your question lol, thus I’ll just continue on with an answer assuming you know all of that information! 

I’m always up for it I guess! I’m not sure about collaborating since I know nothing about you, and also don’t know where you live (remember I mention that it’d be much easier to collaborate with people I live closer to so we don’t have to like.. skype or some other weird digital method of communication in order to talk about ideas. Just since that sort of thing can get so lengthy, especially if it’s an actual project being taken seriously, I’d rather speak to someone in person and be able to work on it alongside each other better). If I got to know you for a few months and thought I could trust you/know we have a similar vision/don’t clash creatively or personality wise,  AND we also lived close enough to meet at least occasionally, then yeah! project collaborations could work. If otherwise, then unfortunately it might not work in that regard. : U

(OH also if we’re a similar age?? I forget that people on the internet can be way younger than me.. I have nothing against younger people (very against the weird overly-simplified generational stereotyping ggh), but I would just feel kind of weird being an adult (early 20s) working with a minor who’s like 13 years old or something. I would be happy to talk about things from time to time and help with ideas or something, but actual like.. long term collaborative projects like writing a book together or creating and selling a game or something may be strange just due to us being at such totally different stages in our lives and etc. So, to collaborate on projects or even just communicate frequently about them or etc. I would also prefer we’re a similar age range (you’re somewhere from like 19 - 28 yrs old or close to that) ghhbh) 

As for just talking about art though, that could work fine probably! Since it would just be casual discussion and less serious than full on project collabs or etc., you wouldn’t need to live near me or etc. Though of course I would still need to know about you first (especially politics and stuff like.. I don’t want to get 50 long conversations in with someone only to find out they hate trans people or are a huge racist or etc. I always like to establish that ahead of time or at least have some idea of a person’s leanings.), and understand your personality a little.

 I am pretty socially anxious and due to health problems and stuff can sometimes be bad at replying ( I know some people expect instant responses, whereas I usually reply in a day or two ( depending on how long the message is)), but I also don’t currently have any friends to talk about world-building stuff with really or who care much about that sort of thing, so I’m always open to having conversations about stuff like that! 

Especially if it’s a low-pressure causal sort of thing in the sense of like “hey let’s just see if we get along well conversationally and if we don’t then no hard feelings”, etc. One of the main reasons I’m often afraid to talk to strangers is that if we end up NOT getting along and I decide that I want to stop talking or etc., I’m afraid they’ll get mad at me or lash out at me or something. I prefer it when the expectation is set ahead of time like “we can both walk away at any time and should feel free to openly communicate how we feel about this conversation at any time. if we wouldn’t make good art friends or have trouble communicating then that’s fine and we just respectfully stop talking”.  Which sounds like.. very common sense but.. I've talked to a few people in the past who struggled with communication and would be passive aggressively mean to you about it or something like that instead of just being open about them not feeling like talking anymore or etc., which is always a confusing situation to be in and I’d like to avoid it! 

Anyway though! I can’t promise anything since I don’t know you and am cautious about new people (I don’t want to be like “OH sure we’ll be best friends!!” before I even know you and set up false expectations), but I’m definitely at least open to talking,  especially about world-building stuff, if we’re compatible and respectful to each other and etc. And am also open to collaborations, under the right circumstances like what I’ve mentioned. Thank you  again for the very nice set of asks!!!! I hope you have a great day, anon~ 

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And that’s all for the reply post. Thanks to everyone who sent in asks about stuff!!

[scandinaviacroatiaengbergs]

Saturday Evening and Sunday: Saying Goodbye to Zadar, and Hello to Plitvice Lakes, Badovinci, and Zagreb

On Saturday evening, we spent an extra hour at the seashore chatting with the Austrians before heading home to the apartment for our last dinner there and what we hoped would be an earlier bedtime; it wasn’t.  I did mention a few posts ago the guy who takes the money at the gate to the beach (it wasn’t very expensive to go in) everyday; I think I noted that Rowan befriended him.  Well, this guy’s name is Ivan Vladimir and he’s actually an MMA fighter -- and that is such a crazy sport!  He told us to look him up online, and we did, and we saw some of his fight results and clips.  He was so nice to our kids and they took a picture with him, and we’ll share that to him via Facebook.  He was from Dubrovnik and, after having been in a car accident earlier this year, was about to get back in the MMA ring for some new fights.  It is so interesting the people you meet while traveling. We met an American friend of his too, a veteran of our U.S. Army who fought in Afghanistan but was discharged due to injury after four years, and this guy is also an MMA guy who trains in Las Vegas, but in Croatia, he trains with Ivan and wants to move to Croatia full time. Anyway, I really need to get to what we did today, Sunday!  We had the craziest, longest day.  I am writing this, finally, at 10 p.m. from the Airbnb we’ll be in for two nights in central Zagreb. 

So, we started off from Zadar this morning, leaving there just before 10 a.m.  We had some snacks packed, but nothing substantial, which was kind of Error Number One.  It didn’t end up going too badly, but that was really poor planning on our part.  We drove a few hours to Plitvice Lakes National Park, which my friend Kristin actually visited just a few weeks ago, so we’d seen her photos online, after we’d already decided we really wanted to go there on this trip. It’s Unesco World Heritage site and it is so obvious why.  It was amazing.  After our drive, on which we saw some beautiful farms and lots of roadside stands (seriously, like 20 of them) selling honey and cheese, we parked and bought our tickets into the park.  It wasn’t cheap; I wasn’t sure how much it would be, but it actually ended up being about $100 for our family of four.  There were tons of tourists there, lots from Europe and so many from China.  So, once you park and walk across a bridge (over the highway), you follow whatever trail your time will allow you to do. We followed trail “E” because we had about three hours.  Trail “E” was going to allow us to see about 12 lakes.  

After the little path after crossing the bridge, you get on a boat of about 4-minute’s length and then you start hiking.  The beautiful, stunning turquoise water starts immediately, with waterfalls over mossy boulders everywhere, and then larger waterfalls further on.  In all, we hiked 2.5 miles, with Cece doing some shoulder-riding after a while. There were many hazards for children, ranging from slats too far apart on the boardwalk through all of the lakes to just the general fact that many of the boardwalks had no railings on the sides, and there were so many people that jostling was happening all the time, and a kid could’ve easily plunked in the water.  

For the second half of our hike, when the crowds had thinned a bit, it turned out that we were right before a two-dad couple with their two sons (one was a 9-month-old baby in a hiking, child-carrying backpack).  The second son, Ansel, was about 11 months younger than Rowan, and that family was from California, and they were so cool.  Our kids were like a team with Ansel for the second half of the hike.  It was great chatting with them.  Both of that dads were in software (one in data analysis, like Eric).  We also saw some goon—a young teen who was maybe a YouTuber because he had someone following him with a really nice camera, filming—strip down to swim trunks and dive into one of the pools, then hop quickly back out.  It was totally stealth and super fast, because I am nearly 100% sure that is not allowed in the National Park.  It was probably some stunt for online distribution. Anyway, I will just have to post pictures here of the lakes. I can’t even do them justice with a description.  They were amazing.  The only part that was not amazing was the ladies bathroom, which had like holes in the ground with a stainless steel plate, with treads where you were to put your feet.  I might sound like a total delicate flower to say this, but I did not like that set-up.  It turns out that the men’s bathroom was like a regular bathroom!  With urinals and standard toilets in stalls! I can’t figure out why the women got holes in the ground.   After Plitvice Lakes, we decided to tack on our 1.5-hour drive north to Badovinci, the town my Great-Grandmother Mary Badovinac left to come to the United States, as a very young bride.  She actually came to the U.S. with her husband, had maybe one or two babies, and then took the babies and went back to Croatia, where she stayed for several years, and then her mom (Mara) was like, “You have to go back to your husband in the U.S.” and so she did.  And, after she returned to the U.S., she had my Grandma Marion. Now, getting to Badovinci was 1) ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, and 2) an adventure because we nearly ended up in Slovenia ;)  OK, so, driving from Plitvice Lakes, as I said, we drove North, and about halfway there, the landscape changed a bit, and it really got hilly, there were amazing farms as well as people’s home gardens just bountifully producing.  It was a lovely, sunny afternoon, too, with big, fluffy clouds that were doing some periodic sprinkling. Anyway, our journey to Badovinci, which has a population of maybe 20 people right now, was super curvy.  The hills (or maybe I should call them mountains) and the valley were winding around, creating some amazing panoramas, but also lots of switchbacks.  We got to a point where we only had about 10K to go before e got there, and on a one-lane road (most roads were, though people used them as two-lane roads) we encountered two boys who gestured to us that we couldn’t go further.  There were a bunch of men working to clear the road of maybe some fallen tree, which they were doing some serious work with, with heavy machinery, and we had to rely on Google Translate to get through that encounter.  We learned that if we waited 20 minutes, we could get through.  

So, the kids and Eric got out and checked out the work, and then, soon enough, we were on our way.  Not too long after that, because I thing we took a wrong turn, we were at the Slovenian border!  The guard, who spoke English perfectly, told us that we couldn’t use that checkpoint, as it was only for locals and they didn’t stamp passports there, so we’d have to go to a different checkpoint.  Badovinci is so close to the Slovenian border that you *could* get through by driving through Slovenia, but eventually, by backtracking and then following some random police officer who was driving by (mind you, this area is very sparsely populated), we got on the correct road.

So, it is a good thing I do not get car sick because these road were so narrow and there were so many twists and turns, that it wouldn’t be easy on a queasy person’s stomach. Finally, we got to the church at Badovinci and we went into the church yard and saw all of the family gravestones.  Almost half of them were Badovinacs.  We walked about a quarter mile to the village itself, and on the way, a car passed us twice, and on the second time, they stopped (which I would totally do, too, if some random family of four foreigners was ambling through my neighborhood on a Sunday evening) to ask if we were going  to the village.  We said we were and the driver introduced himself and his son (both Badovinacs) and they pointed the way; we were almost there.  In the village, which I use loosely because it is only about four family houses and then some dilapidated old buildings (barns? Old homes overgrown now with shrubbery?), we saw a woman weed-whacking her farming plot and then the two people we saw in the car, and a lazy dog sleeping in front of another car at the end of the road.  I took a few pictures and then we walked back to our car and took dozens of windy roads for another 1.5-hour drive, this time to Zagreb.

I can’t tell you how beautiful the region is where Badovinci is.  From so many of the village streets, of all of the various villages there, all with their own Catholic church and many with roadside altars, you can see vast vistas and they are grape vines tidily spread out across the steep hillsides and just the lushest green panoramas you can imagine.  The late afternoon light was incredible, too, and the photos surely won’t be able to convey that. We did not have a proper lunch or dinner, and this is where our lack of snack-packing became a particular problem.  At one point en route to Zagreb, we stopped at a gas station and I bought  a packet of crackers and some chocolate cookies and that is what my children had for dinner.  They were such troopers the whole day.  When we got to the Airbnb in Zagreb, I got them bathed and in bed in like twenty minutes.  They were wild, exhausted creatures in those twenty minutes, but once we miraculously got their teeth brushed and got the lights out, they were probably asleep almost instantly. Tomorrow we have a full day to explore Zagreb!  I am really excited to see what we will see.