#and i love learning about it! feel free to dump any info on me even if i know about it! ❤️

[lansolot]

i actually read about how lannes and murat were quite close at times a little while ago! their relationship and how close they were are both very interesting to read about

did anyone get along ever

[obey-me-disaster]

A/N: I'm reposting this cause the tags didn't work the first time <3

Demon brothers x gn!MC

Demon brothers x MC that info-dumps about their familiars

Lucifer

Whenever he feels like the two of you haven't spent enough time together due to his work, he invites you into his office to hang out. He enjoys hearing you talk excitedly about your passions while he does paperwork.

He can't say he has too much of an interest in peacocks, but he loves hearing you talk about the things you love, so he'll let you talk until you've had your fill.

"So peacocks apparently peacocks feathers are covered in tiny crystal-like structures that reflect different wavelengths of light depending on how they're spaced."

"Also, since only male peacocks have the large train of feathers, do you think it played a role in them being your familiars? Since you're the avatar of pride and all of that."

"That's quite the theory you've got there, but I'm afraid I don't know how true it actually is."

"Still, I would love to hear more facts that you have, I can see from the expression on your face that you're dying to do so"

"And before you ask, yes, my feathers have the crystal-like structures, you can have a closer look if you would like"

His ego does grow quite a bit every time you go into one or your rants since he can tell you're talking so much about peacock cause they are his familiars.

He will probably buy you something peacock inspired to give you during one of your info-dumps.

God forbid you start gushing about his familiars in front of Diavolo. The prince will see it as a way to talk even more about Lucifer, and the former isn't sure how much he can deal with that.

Mammon

He has a pretty good base knowledge about crows. Out of all of his brothers, he probably works with his familiars the most. It's canon that he literally uses them to spy on people and gather information.

Still, there are a lot of things he might not know. And even if he knew, he would die before telling you to stop talking.

"Your crows are so cute, did you know that they are considered some of the world's smartest birds?"

"Of course they are! They're the Great Mammon's familiars after all"

"They are also known to gossip with their peers and hold grudges"

"I am well aware of that fact, more often than not they tell me the latest gossip in Devildom"

He would let you hang out with his crows in order to learn more about them.

I also have the headcanon that he can talk with them, so he would literally be a translator for you and the crows

"Feel free to ask them anything, I will translate whatever they say!"

Is pretty smug about the fact that you are so interested in his familiars, even so when you interact with them. He might even give you some accessories made out of his familiars' feathers(of course, feathers that have fallen on their own)

Leviathan

Bold of you to assume he doesn't know already everything there is about snakes already, he is literally one!

"Levi, did you know that snakes can smell with their tongues and a good amount of them have shit eyesight?"

"Henry the 1st used to have a bad eyesight!! They also don't really stop growing. This is more obvious with Devildom snakes tho"

He would honestly be really touched by your eagerness to learn and tell him about snakes since he is pretty much one. He sees it as you being interested in him on a whole new level and gets really excited when you info-dump about them.

Leviathan, on the verge of crying internally "They actually care about me!"

NB! Levi would actually really appreciate it tho. His demon form is that of a snake and he also got a pet snake, so any new info is more than welcome. Especially about how to deal with shedding.

"MC, you've got to help me! You know a lot about snakes, so could you tell me why my tail feels so itchy???"

Satan

Your info-dump session about unicorns is pretty much a 'is it true that they actually do that??' kind of thing

He still touched about you wanting to learn more about his familiars so he is always willing to answear any and all of your questions. He might even take you to see some of them.

"Is it true that unicorns can use magic with their horn?"

"Saying they can cast magic is far stretched. They have some abilities specific to their kind that can be used with or without the horn."

Cats on the other hand? Doesn't matter if he already know whatever fact you want to tell him, he is always more than happy to discuss about them.

Hell, he might be the one info-dumping about cats before you get the chance to do so.

"Did you know that cats can have up to 100 different vocalizations? Dogs only have like 10"

"They are also believed to be the only mammal who doesn't taste sweetness, which I find unfortunate. Still, they truly are amazing creatures"

More often than not Solomon is dragged in the conversations too due to the 'Cat' group chat that three of you have. Not like he minds, he loves cats too.

Asmodeus

He lets you info-dump about scorpions while he does your hair/nails/helps you with you skin care.

"Is you info-dumping about my familiars your way of telling me that you love me~"

Your self care sessions are also info-dump sessions, so you kill two birds with one stone.

"Did you know that scorpions are capable of dissolving their pray from the inside out. They also glow under ultraviolet light??"

"It's only natural that my familiars would be able to do this, they are my familiars after all ♡. Maybe I should use some make up the glows in the dark"

Since you've started to info-dump about his familiars to him, his outfits/nails/accessories have started to have a scorpion motif to them quite often

He also tells you one of the facts you've told him before while he shows off his scorpion inspired accesories. It's his way of showing that he listens to your rants.

"Scorpions can do that, can't they? Remember when you told me this last night?"

Beelzebub

He doesn't really know a lot about his familiars but he has an odd fondness about them. He can't really bring himself to kill them, tho flies tend to leave him alone anyway.

He thinks is really sweet that you know so much about those little guys, so he is always happy to sit and listen to you.

If you feel like info-dumping about flies, feel free to do it whenever you like. He is raiding the fridge? You can help him carry some of the food while you tell him more about his familiars. He is working out? He can hear loud and clear. He might not be the most responsive during some of those moments but he is always listening to you.

He is aware that out of all of his brothers, his familiar is not the cutest or the coolest one, so when you start talking about it, he can't help but feel really loved.

"Beel, did you know that flies can taste food using their feet?"

"It would be pretty usefull to know how food would taste just by touching, not like I would care if the food would taste bad, I would still eat it"

"Also, due to their eyes being compound they can also see behind their back. They actually have a 360° field of view"

"I also have that in my demon form, it came in handy a lot of times"

"YOU HAVE WHAT?!"

Belphegor

Lying on the attic bed while facing the ceiling "Shouldn't your familiar be a bull instead of a cow, since you're a guy and all of that?"

"Just shut up and cuddle me.."

While he thinks cows look comfy enough to take a nap, he does not care about them. But he care about you, so he is more than willing to cuddle up with you while you info-dump.

"Cows are actually pretty nice, they can spend about 10 hours a day lying down and they can also sleep while standing...are you even listening to me...?"

Belphegor, looking on the verge of falling asleep "hmm? Yeah I'm listening.."

Despite looking like he is one second from falling asleep or even downright sleeping, he actually listens to you. He can pay attention to things even in his sleep, how do you think he has really high grades at RAD? so he is listening to all of the cow facts you're telling him.

Anytime you doubt that he has been listening, he will tell you a fact that you've told him in the past to show that he was in fact listening.

"Cows can sleep while standing, right? You're the one who told me, so you should know. Now get closer, I want to use your lap as a pillow."

If you dare to do any kind of jokes about him being a cowboy, he will kick out of the bed.

[monst]

Da rules

     I go by Monst and I guess I’m writing again: I do read faster than I write so enjoy all the reblogs lol

I like the color orange it's not relevant, just thought I'd put it out there

Uh the bnha master list is definitely not up to date and needs a revamp (I will probably get to that eventually, someday...soon...) Speaking of it Here's the DC one

Here's the BHNA one.

Here's the Kinktober2024 one

Anyways if you're interested below is basically the what's what. Stick around if you want.

 Okay cool! Let’s get to it:

All characters for nsfw stuff are aged up 18+ (If you’re one of those (Can't separate reality from fiction/fantasy) then the unfollow/block buttons haven’t moved from their location and you are free to use them at your discretion )  

If you're a minor while I can't stop you from reading I will block you if I catch you interacting with any of my 18+ content posts. As a matter of fact for my peace of mind and your safety I would prefer you didn't reblog/comment on my sfw stuff too, they're are dangerous people on the internet so please understand and don't take it personally-Thanks💕

Moving on-

     I’m cool with: 

Requests- Hcs, Scenarios, thirst posts, Ya sending ideas and recommendations👀

For requests I might not get to all of them in a timely manner and I might not do some I’m not feeling. I write for F. Reader, GN. reader and M. Reader. Ships are cool too so you can request Character x character or poly reader- character x character x reader.-Genre: all of them tbh

I’m okay with dark content- (Dubcon, noncon, yandere, somno, etc.) and everything should be labeled appropriately. You can always ask that I tag something if it is missing. I do like a challenge/learning so even if I'm not personally into something I'll definitely give it a whirl (Kinks and or tropes)

Sfw- Fluff, angst basically anything that tickles my fancy and isn't risque or full on smut.

* In regards to requests the things I do fuck w might be prioritized 👉👈

    I’m not cool with: 

Scat

Underage/PDF

I'm generally cool w being uncomfortable, especially in regards to what I read or write whether it be by being grossed out or scared. I've always been ridiculously curious mostly to my determent but fiction is a safe way to explore shit so I'll give most things a fair shake in other words the sky's the limit but use your discernment⁉️

Extra:

Random shit- You telling me about your day, thoughts, opinions on whatever ig. ask for advice (trust me bro I got you✌️) or info dump👀 I love to chat. 

Music! Tell me what your listening too! (Yes I'm one of those 'I listen to everything' I need new stuff to listen to)

Also! I miss the whole deviant art/Quizzilla shit so I might do a whole seven minutes in heaven thing lmao (This doesn’t belong here but scream at me about it cause I need it to happen for nostalgia’s sake) 

Also, I'm kinda using this space as a chill/fun mostly nsfw diary? lmao so it's just mostly gonna be vibes :p That being said keep your fandom discourse and weirdo hate bs to yourself cause I will clown/ignore you if you come at me w some sideways ass energy. I'm just as nice as I am mean so don't try me ☯️❤️

So here’s the fandoms&Characters if you wanna request: 

Mha- 

Shocker, but I do have some old asks that are too good to just let’em go ya know?  

Shinsou (I started this blog cause of him so.. yeah) 

Villain/Yandere Deku sorry

Bakugou

Endeavour 

Dabi

Hawks

Tokoyami 

Shoto

Dc- 

Please, please, please send me shit about Tim Drake. (Need him biblically) Literally hopped back on for him. 

Jason Todd

Dick Grayson

Bruce Wayne

Selina Kyle 

Poison Ivy 

Joker (Nothing good is coming out of anyone requesting this I just know it) 

Constantine 

Diana (Wonder woman my beloved) 

Amanda Waller 

Cheetah 

Slade Wilson… 

JJK-

Nanamin 

Gojo  (He's like crack to me istg)

Inumaki 

Invincible- 

Mark Grayson 

…Nolan...

Debbie

Alan! 

Naruto-

Kakashi ‘blow my back out’ Hatake

Itachi 

Shisui (My love)

Madara

Tobirama’s messy ass

Ask for more but these are my faves 

D- gray man-

Yuu Kanda!

Tyki Mikk

Kingdom Hearts-

Riku

Vanitas 

Most of the organization tbh

FF7-

All of them. 

But especially Sephiroth 

Any type of monster lmao 

Kenji Sato lmao

You can ask for others not listed in different fandoms I just think this has gotten a bit too long  

And Yeah, Let’s have fun! ^^

New Tags: 

         This bitch is yapping - Any asks answered or just general shit

         Thirsty bitch juice - Small scenarios, thirst,

         Pretty things- Art 

         Oh la la that’s some good shit right there- Fic recs & reblogs

         On my monster fucking bs - Monster fucking lol 

         Lock that shit up in the basement pls- cursed asks and stuff 

Uh random bullshit go! - My newer writing

And if you made it this far down here's a cookie 🍪

[elzphine]

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ About me! ⭑.ᐟ

This post IS LONGGGG Hi I'm Ella, this page is mainly for me to rant and talk about things I like. Below is more about me as a person and my interests, I do like talking about my personal life to a degree without giving much information out just so you know. Ella isn't my real name either it's a nickname I go by on some of my socials.

Name: Ella

Age: I don't like going into specifics, but I do follow dnf's that restrict certain ages according to my actual age, just keep creepy things to yourself! <3

Just so you know I do tend to overshare on my posts, I try keeping an open mind most times, due to my personality and the way I was brought up I am relatively mean when talking about others even if I don't exactly mean to be. I don't necessarily trash talk people in specific but I tend to be overly honest with people which causes feelings to get hurt etc, etc. I speak what I perceive to be the truth so I lack friends irl..

Personality: It's changed almost every time I took the MBTI test, probably because I took it on 16p.. But I also self typed too and looked into how people who actually are the MBTI I call myself act and respond as a person and compared it with myself I so I guess it's self typing? I don't know. But INTJ is what I find most relatable to myself and how I perceive the world and interact with people. Not too sure of an enneagram I haven't found a free test for that yet.

Interests: Ani-manga, Horror genre things, JJK, PMM, Death note, tbhk, danganronpa. Drawing, Character design, Fanfic reading or writing, world building, character writing, Reality shifting, japanese folklore, I love using folklore when creating characters it is so much fun to interpret and create a design incorporating elements from history, or just irl things in general. I like hazbin hotel, don't come for me I hate the humor in it but I love the idea of the show being an interpretation of heaven and hell and the society in it. Harry potter kind of not really.. Never was much into it. give anime reccomendations pls I need more things to watch!!

Music taste: ANYTHING LITERALLY ANYTHING IM IN THE MOOD FOR I WAS ABLE TO LISTEN TO A 6 MINUTE SONG ABOUT CORNDOGS PERFECTLY FINE IDK HOW. I have bad hyperfixations when I comes to music genres so these are my tops, Emo claimed bands, female manipulator music, pop punk and some hardcore bands, I don't have any at the top of my head, but I was able to listen to black metal, death metal, parody songs the electro swing remix was fire! I can get down to taylor swift and baby shark, I can listen to drill, rap, phonk, songs in spanish or even swedish. country, folk idc. My playlists due to my recent revamp, Are more fixated on ariana grande, sabrina carpenter, mitski, lana, and very few taylor swift, I like alternative music too, I know I'm forgetting so many different genres but those were what I could list off best so keep that in mind. early 2000s-2016 music is top tier fyi. though frank Sinatra is a G oms.

Other random things: I'm all for self improvement and learning more about myself and other topics if I ever magically start liking something you know about by all means info dump, My fav seasons are fall and winter. I'm a winter baby <3 I prefer "cunty" music made by women rather than gay men or trans women (Love y'all too dw.) It just feels more authentic to me if you know what I mean, I can't properly like describe it for some reason but just trust me it's not because I hate that group of people. (I hate everyone equally !!!) I'm a medical NERD, my favorite medical dramas are HOUSE!!! HOUSE I LOVE YOU HOUSE PLS ADOPT ME AND TEACH ME EVERYTHING HE'S THE ICON PLEASE PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE. He's funny and I love his way of thinking. (I just realized we have the same personality type live laugh love that!!) My personality does kind of differ online due to the character limits on tumblr, because if it were up to me every one of these sections would have 5 different paragraphs per thing thank you. I'm an honors student idk if thats shocking to anyone but yea. This also probably will be more shitposting based just random takes from my perspective like reviews on starbucks drinks and just random events. the format is probably going to be more like, diary like idk? its just me posting my thoughts and leaving it out for you all more anonymously if ykwim? I was bullied all of my elementary years over a single unsanitary habit I had. (Picking my nose, like everyone made a point to leave me out due to this. EVERYONE collectively even when i stopped it still happened.) I'm insanely delusional not in a cute or quirky way like "omg he likes me guys" like no, I convinced myself for a month that I had schizophrenia even though I had 0 symptoms or auditory hallucinations or visual hallucinations. I did constant research and found myself on schizophrenia tiktok. Like dawg is trippin fr fr, overthinking and analyzing every little thing is my favorite hobby, so is daydreaming!! One time during a finance class I had I daydreamed that I was a single mom who lived a walking distance from the beach and I had the job i'm going for in the medical field. I loved that daydream so much, would've preferred to have a partner ngl.

Thanks so much for reading, apologies for it being so long my mind is so rampant and i have so much to say and so much input to give that it kind of gets hard to put it in simple sentences. If you're similar to me please follow and moot me or wtv yall do on tumblr I love people with similar mindsets and aspirations it makes me wanna do better in order to keep up.

[starving-mimi]

WHATS THE LORE??? I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH AND I WANNA LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN!! FEEL FREE TO INFO DUMP ON THIS ASK

thank you for loving this au and for the ask :D in all honesty, there's no real story with this AU but there's a bunch of smaller ideas with it instead of one big story i've vaguely mentionned this in other posts but Wilson started transforming after killing the ancient fuel weaver as some sort of 'gift' from Charlie, kinda like the 'shadow courtier" ability in Wilson's skill tree and his transformations depends on the Nightmare cycle in the ruins. "lore" wise, the things that are sure for now is that while wilson probably didn't seek ANY help at all after realising what was happening, at some point in time he did try to go to maxwell for help cuz well, maxwell is the one that knows stuff about shadow creatures, and if maxwell doesn't know, maybe the codex will? surprise surprise, maxwell didn't know shit and they both ( stupidly ) decided it was for the best to leave the other survivors unaware that one of their team mate would randomly transform into some kind of terrorbeak ( that has claw and could reap you to shreds mind you) with ( at the time) barely any control over his actions so well, ensue maxwell and wilson shenanigans of trying to hide wilson's transformations and strange stroll in the middle of the night or how clawed and dark his hands looked and trying to get more control ( much to maxwell's dismay ) is wilson feral? well.. at first? over time he gets more control to a point where that form is just an inconvenience, but even then, he'd rather not tell the other survivors silly funfact that doesn't change anything 1 : wilson probably eats nightmare fuel, does it makes him stronger or perhaps more feral? nope, does it tastes good?? nope, there's no real reason he just does slightly more serious funfact/info 2 : how much control he has starts depending on his sanity too when he started gaining control, being insane won't transform him but if he's transforming with a low sanity well... yeah let's say maxwell isn't happy when he has to avoid being bit trying to force feed him cooked green cap lol funfact 3 : when detransforming wilson probably has a head ache and his back probably hurts too from being hunched over so much lol funfact 4: somewhat mentioned it in my last post but wilson can actually show his actual head! me and my friend have some different interpretation of how that work but it's either A, the head doesn't serve much purpose and kinda just looks.. empty and it takes more effort to show the head than to not, or B, the head is there and pretty much just wilson's normal head and he can smile n stuff just like normal and it takes no effort to show

[desthebolt]

HIIIII! Hope you are doing well! I saw art of your characters, and I want to hear about them! I am specifically talking about the autistic vampire, because I saw that in the reference art and got so excited!!! You don’t have to reply, but as an autistic vampire enthusiast and lover of monsters in general, I would LOVE to hear more!

Sincerely, your local lurker

I AM SO SORRY im answering this like, um (checks calendar)… almost 7 months later… but hey!!! I am SO TOUCHED you wanna hear about my ocs :,) i will proceed to info dump and not shut up about them! I actually have multiple autistic vampire ocs, but im gonna assume you’re talking about Bhala! (Her ref is the only one i think that actually says she’s autistic) Anyway, ramble under read more :3c

I have a graphic novel im working on behind the scenes, and Bhala is one of the two main protagonists. She’s a cosmic witch that was freshly turned into a vetaala vampire. (Vetaal/Vetaala are a possessive ghost in indian folklore, they are restless spirits that can manifest as blood sucking ghosts or possess dead bodies). For the story, i made a pseudo hybrid between vetaal and regular flavor vampire. Bhala’s body is actually a shell/physical ghost form of what her body looked like (only now with fangs). Her real physical body is dead and buried. In folklore, the only way to banish/kill a vetaala creature is by taking the original body and performing a ritual to put the restless soul/spirit at ease. This is the same for my story, so vetaala vampires are almost completely un-killable. Most in the story hide their bodies in different countries to almost guarantee eternal life. They still need to feed off blood and souls to keep up their vitality, otherwise they become ravenous and beastly.

Bhala literally doesn’t care about any of that, she didn’t want to be this way. She tries her best to not feed off people, but she has to. She gets used to it further and further into the story, and a lot of that is thanks to her gf that she meets in the beginning of the story; Fiona (thats another ramble if anyone cares /j)

Anyway a lil more about Bhala- She’s a ray of sunshine and very sweet and compassionate, with a lil layer of sass and cleverness. She loves to tease Fiona (affectionately) and isn’t afraid to speak her mind (and throw hands if necessary). Her hyper fixation is woodland animals, specifically skunks. She owns a skunk plush that her mother made for her when she was a toddler. It is her snuggle buddy when she’s not snuggling Fiona. She even learned how to sew specifically to keep her plush, named Flower, together. If you ask her what her favorite animal is, she will talk about skunks for hours (Fiona will do this sometimes just to hear her talk)

Bhala loves jewelry and always has it on (she doesn’t really feel pain, so why not?). She also grew up playing the cello and acoustic bass. Normally, she resents most activities she had to take a part of growing up with her father, but she genuinely loves music. It helps her calm down and focus.

She fidgets A LOT, mostly with her claws, but sometimes with her jewelry and even her magical cosmic hair (which leads into a baby astral plane… which she uses as storage instead of a backpack). She does have real hair, it’s just hidden underneath the cosmic magic (she has long thick black box-braids :3)

Her powers at the start of the story aren’t that great, her father was keeping her from learning real cosmic magic. After leaving and moving in with Fiona, they find Bhala’s mother, who properly trains her in magic. By the end of the story, she’s not a master, but she’s still extremely powerful (cosmic magic is some powerful shit in this story)

She is unapologetically black/punjabi/kashmiri and a powerful trans woman, and oh boy she is a BIG lesbian. she likes them short

I think thats it for the ramble, feel free to ask me anything else! I am more than happy to info dump about my ocs :3 !!!!

[deke-rivers-1957]

Danny's Journey to a Better Life

It's my first day of therapy and I ain't got a clue on how to handle myself. I can't even give a proper greeting. I just walk in the door moping.

"What happened Danny?"

"Ain't you heard? I was in love with a beautiful girl named Ronnie but she got killed."

"Is that what brought you to therapy today?"

"Ain't that enough?"

"So let's break this down into a simple question. Danny why did you decide to come to therapy today?"

"Cos I been havin' a lotta nightmares lately."

"And what do you wish to accomplish today?"

"I wanna find out why them nightmares keep comin' back at me."

I spend the next half hour info-dumping. I dunno if I'm even doing this right but I just need to get it outta my system.

"Based on what you've told me, I have reason to believe that you have a lot of unprocessed trauma. That doesn't make you crazy, but it can have long term health effects if it continues to go unaddressed."

"Then once these things are processed, they'll go away? No more nightmares?"

"I can't guarantee that your nightmares will go away. I would hope that with therapy, you can learn how to better understand your feelings and move on."

"Will it stop me from being tired so much?"

"I suggest that you first rule out physical conditions that can cause sleeping issues."

"It feels like I'm gonna see something, Doc. Like there's something in the dark watching me."

A timer goes off

"Is that session over? I ain't done talkin'. I ain't done."

"I know, Danny. We had a very productive first session. I have an assignment that I want you to do before you decide to schedule our next session."

"What's that?"

"I want you to go to the doctor and ask for them to test you for any physical conditions that can trigger sleep disorders."

"Alright, Doc, I'll take care of it."

"That's great to hear Danny. I'm glad that you're willing to cooperate."

"I'll see you soon, Doc."

I leave the room and go to the front desk to talk to the receptionist. I wanna find a way to pay for this first session without going broke.

"Excuse me, miss, how much does Doctor King charge for therapy?"

"I have a form that you can fill out."

"Great. I'll take care of it right now. Thanks."

I look at the form. There’s no way I can pay $25 at a time, so I put 12 dollars a month. I figure it’s better than nothin’.

"Thanks. Do I owe you anything from my first session here?"

"Doctor King always provides his first consultation for free. If you decide to return as a full time client, then you will be expected to pay."

"I'll get here as soon as I can. Bye, miss."

I go home to my Pa and tell him about my consultation.

"Pa, I went to see that Doc like you wanted."

"How'd it go Danny? Do you think you'll go back?"

"Yeah, I’ll do that Pa, but I just need to know how we’re gonna pay for therapy. I can’t work no more because of my nightmares and I can’t sleep. I’M TIRED, Pa!"

He goes over to hug me.

"I know you are son. The first session was free so don’t worry about it. We’ll manage."

"Pa, I- I hope to hell that sleep test comes back with somethin’, y'know? I'm afraid it ain’t gonna and I got no money and I’m a burden."

"I’ll give them a call now and see what’s available."

"Pa, I don’t know what to do. I feel like the world’s crushin’ down on my shoulders. I feel like I'm fallin’ apart."

"You’re still young Danny. Ain’t even 21 yet. I think you need to let me be the father and do my responsibilities."

"And what are your responsibilities, Pa? Just puttin’ dinner on the table and roof over our head? You think that's all you need to do as a father? 'Cause you ain't. I got no momma and since I was 8 I been fightin' like hell against this world to put food on our plate. I'm tired."

"I know. And I’m sorry I ain’t done a good enough job for you. I’m going to be better Danny."

"When you got no momma you got no one to hold you, no one to sing you to sleep, to kiss your forehead when you fall asleep. That's what Momma used to do, y'know, every night. And when I'd wake from nightmares, she'd be there tellin' me everything's gonna be alright. I don't have that, never did. So I learned how to be tough, y'know? You ain't supposed to cry, you gotta be strong."

"You didn’t need to do that Danny. Now you just let me be your Pa and help."

He sits me down on the couch and I start bawlin'.

"Shhh. It’s alright son."

"I'm not as tough as I make out, Pa. I ain't. I'm so tired."

"Go on and nap Danny."

I lay down on the couch. As I fall asleep, I feel my Pa's hand on my forehead. It felt like it was the most comforting touch I'd had in ages.

"Do you want me to call Nellie over?"

"It'd be nice to see her."

"Alright Danny."

"I love you, Pa."

As Pa talks with Nellie, I drift into a peaceful sleep. Before I know it, I hear Pa waking me up.

"Son? Nellie’s here."

I wake up, completely refreshed. Nellie’s there and she’s lookin’ pretty as a picture. She leans over and gives me a peck on the cheek.

"Are you ok Danny? Mr. Fisher called me over."

Yeah, I’m good, I just fell asleep is all.

Nellie sits next to me and I notice how good-lookin’ she is. I feel that old stirring I felt the first time I saw her. I feel it all over again. My heart beats a little faster every second she’s here. And when she leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek...

"How was your nap?"

"I’m good."

She lays her head on my shoulder and my arm goes around her, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. I look over at my Pa. He smiles, then nods. It confirms to me that it’s okay. I continue to lean into her. I even close my eyes and take a deep breath. She smells real nice.

"Mr. Fisher told me that you went to a consultation with a therapist today."

"Yeah, I went seein’ that Doc that he always goes to. Doc says I need to get some tests cause he thinks I got sleep problems. Ain't no doubt about that, I sure ain't sleeping good."

"I hope it’ll get better Danny."

I’m still feeling the after effects of that good nap I took. I’m real relaxed.

"I’ma get this test done as quick as I can, then I'm takin' you out, Nellie."

"Oh you don’t need to do that."

"I wanna. I already promised you dinner, I ain't going back on my word. Let's go to that King Creole joint. Sound okay?"

"Maybe you can get your job back there."

"You really think so?"

I’m already dreamin’ up all the good food I’m gonna get to eat if I get my job back. I look over at Nellie, who’s starin’ at me with a little grin on her face.

"He was already so understanding that you needed to quit after Ronnie died."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I could go check to see if they'll take me back."

Pa finishes making dinner and we start sittin' down to eat.

"Here, sit at the table, Nellie. And, Pa, thanks. You went and made my favorites I love you for that, ain’t nobody made gumbo like you."

Time passes and you get your appointment for the doctor to test you for sleeping disorders

"Pa, I'm heading into the doctor's, can you come with me? I figured it'd be best since I haven't been sleeping so good lately. And I'm a little scared bout what they might tell me."

"I gotta work at the pharmacy today. I’ll pick you up during my lunch."

"Alright, Pa. I'm sure I'll be alright, just wanted you with me."

I head into the doctor's office feeling anxious. A nurse comes in to draw my blood

"Have you had a blood test before, Mr. Fisher?"

"No ma'am, I never had anythin' like that done before."

"Can you make a fist so I can try to find a vein?"

"There. Hope it helps."

She finds my vein and starts drawin' my blood. It's makin’ me real anxious; I start to sweat and feel nauseous. My stomach's startin’ to knot up.

"Would you prefer to use a butterfly needle?"

"Ma'am, I don't know what that is. I'd just like this over and done with as soon as possible, please."

"Very well then Mr. Fisher. Just look up and away."

"Okay..."

I look away and try to relax, but my stomach starts knotting up more. I close my eyes for a moment and start to panic. Is this normal? Am I the only one afraid of this stuff?

"Keep your arm relaxed and tense up the other parts of your body."

"How much longer till we’re done, ma’am?"

I grip my arm with my other hand and start to hyperventilate. I look down at the vial and realize it’s only half full. My heart starts beating real fast.

"Don't look at the vial, Mr. Fisher. You're doing a good job."

"It feels like I can't get enough air in. I'm scared..."

"When I switch the vials lean back in the chair."

I lean back, close my eyes and do my best to relax my arm. I feel the other needle enter my vein to take the second vial.

"How do you feel, Mr. Fisher?"

"Like I'm gonna throw up. My heart’s beatin’ out of my chest. Is this normal?"

"Anxiety during a blood test is common."

The nurse finishes taking my blood then starts bandaging me. I let out a heavy sigh and look out the window feeling a little light-headed.

"Have you eaten or drank anything before coming here, Mr. Fisher?"

"No ma’am."

"Would like some water and a small snack?"

"Yes, ma’am, that’d be real nice."

"Do you feel lightheaded or dizzy?"

I sip some water and nibble on a small snack.

"Yes ma’am I still feel a bit light-headed from the blood test."

My Pa arrives and looks at me with concerned eyes. The nurse explains what had happened and how I need to take it easy and eat iron-rich foods. My Pa nods his head and takes my arm, putting it around him.

"Alright Danny. Let's take it slow."

Holding onto my Pa's arm, we take it slow and make our way outside to the car. He opens the door for me and I sit down in the passenger seat. As we’re driving home, I can’t help but feel light-headed and nauseous and a bit embarrassed for havin' acted so scared earlier.

"Pa, I'm so sorry I acted like such a wimp when I got blood taken. I don't know what's wrong with me, I never used to be like this."

"You ain't gotta apologize son. You did a good job."

We arrive home and I slowly walk up the steps to the front door of our house. Pa helps me get inside and I sit down on the couch. I know I need to go get some rest, so I lay down on the couch slowly and close my eyes.

"Danny do you think you can handle being on your own until I finish my shift at the pharmacy?"

"I should be alright, Pa. Just a little tired that’s all."

"Alright son. Do you need anything to eat before I leave again?"

"I think I can wait til dinner, Pa."

I lie back on the couch and close my eyes. I need to get some much needed sleep.

"My son."

A couple days pass when I get a call from the doctor about my blood test results. I wake up feeling groggy and slowly pickup the phone.

"Yes, this is Danny. Who's this?"

"My name is Dr. Jones. I have the results of your blood test. Do you have any time today to come in?"

I sit up in bed. My heart starts racing.

"I can be there in an hour, if that's alright."

"That's perfectly fine, Mr. Fisher."

I hang up the phone feeling a bit anxious. What could it be? Did they find somethin’ that's gonna be bad for me?

"Pa, I'm goin' to the doctor's office."

"Alright son."

I arrive at Dr. Jones' office. He has a packet of my results.

"Have a seat."

I grab the packet and sit down, trying to focus on listenin’ to whatever the doctor has to tell me.

"I want you to read through the entire packet first. If you have any questions please ask."

"Okay, I will."

I start reading through the packet. After about a minute, I look up at the doctor. I almost don't wanna ask what I'm about to ask.

"Do you need me to explain anything?"

"Yeah... what does the word anemia mean?"

"Anemia is not having enough red blood cells or hemoglobin in the blood. This can be caused by different deficiencies."

I look back down at the packet and continue reading to myself, thinking about all the things Dr. Jones had mentioned. I finally look back up at the doctor, ready to ask another question.

"Is there anything else you had concerns about?"

"Yeah, one last thing. I see an "Abnormal, low" result under my vitamin D. Do you know what that means too?"

"It indicates a deficiency. Usually it's caused by a low exposure to sunlight although there are other factors that contribute to it."

"Is there anythin’ I can do to raise my vitamin D levels?"

"There's something that I would like to do first. Would you mind getting weighed today, Mr. Fisher? Your current weight would give me a better idea as to how we can treat your deficiencies."

"Okay, let's get weighed."

I step onto the scale and let the doctor measure my height and weight. I'm not sure which one weighs heavier - the numbers on the scale or my worries about what this all means.

"What's his weight, nurse?"

The nurse looks at the display.

"One hundred and forty-six pounds."

"Thank you, you can step down, Mr. Fisher."

"Sure thing, Doc."

I step off the scale and sit back down in the chair, lookin' at the doctor and wonderin' what he's gonna say next.

"Mr. Fisher what would you say is a healthy weight for someone like you based on your height, age and activity levels?"

"I have no idea, Doc."

"The average weight for a man of your height is 167 lbs. I believe that because you're underweight, you have these deficiencies."

"So my weight is why I'm not gettin' enough iron and vitamin D?"

"The types of foods you eat and your weight contribute to it."

"Do you know if my lack of sleep contributes to that too? Cause I ain't been sleepin’ too good lately."

"If anything your anemia contributes to your sleep deprivation. An iron deficiency can disturb your sleep patterns by causing insomnia."

"So it all kinda ties in together?"

"I do think your nightmares affect your sleep. However, I believe your slight malnourishment is the root cause."

It’s been a while since I've felt this drowsy during the day, just tired and not havin' the energy to do much of anything. It's kinda got me worried.

"Doc, tell me the truth. Is this somethin’ that's gonna keep me from bein' able to do my job? I can't exactly stay on my feet and sing and play guitar if I keep feelin’ this tired."

"If this continues to go untreated yes. You have multiple physical factors that contribute to your fatigue. I suggest keeping a food journal for one week so we can determine just how much and often you eat."

I look startled.

"You want me to keep a journal of what I eat, Doc?"

"Yes. It's important to know what your current diet is so that I can properly determine your weight gain plan."

I still don't quite understand.

"You mean by puttin' on weight, it'll help my body absorb the iron and vitamin D easier?"

"Yes because we get those nutrients through the foods we eat and through the sun. If you're underweight, it can make it difficult to absorb vitamin D since it needs fat."

I sigh with relief.

"Doc, you don’t know how happy you've made me to hear that. Thanks so much. Now the food journal, you want me to write everything I eat for a week? Even snacks?"

"That's right Mr. Fisher. You need to be eating a certain amount of calories every day to function. If you eat less than what you spend you're going to lose weight which in your case is dangerous."

"All right, Doc. I'll definitely do that. Can I go home now?"

I look at the time on my watch and realize that I'm starting to get hungry. And if the Doc wants me to gain some weight it sure wouldn't hurt. But most of all I wanna get outta here. I'm really hungry.

"Of course Mr. Fisher. Now be sure to write down what you eat as specifically as you can."

"Will do Doc!"

I start to put on my jacket and get up from the chair.

"Thanks for helpin’ me get stuff figured out today, you've made me feel a little better."

Dr. Jones writes notes down in his patient log.

"Should I schedule you for next week at this same time Mr. Fisher?"

"Yeah Doc. I think another week'll give me enough time to get a log of what I'm eatin’, but let's do same time next week."

The following week has arrived and it’s time for my appointment again with Doctor Jones. I start to feel anxious about the blood work, hoping that there’s nothing too serious goin' on inside my body. I can feel my heart start to pound and the butterflies in my stomach return. I tell myself, “It’s okay, you're not scared this time.” But it’s not quite workin’, my nerves still feel frayed. I try to get my breathing and heart rate a bit back to normal - deep, slow breaths. Finally the nurse calls me back.

"How has the food journal worked Mr. Fisher?"

I hand him a sheet with all the food entries from the past week.

"I think this oughta do it, Doc. It's got everything on it, everything I've eaten - even those midnight snacks."

I wait for the Doc to finish reading and do my best to control my breathing. I hear him turn a a page in my patient log, he’s doing a bunch of calculations and stuff but I’m not following what he’s doin'.

"Mr. Fisher can you try to describe how big "a bowl of gumbo" is?"

I think for a moment.

"Well Doc, it's hard to explain how big a bowl of gumbo is, I usually eat two bowls, one for lunch and one for dinner since it's pretty darn good. It's kinda like a stew with meat and okra in it, I'd say it's maybe four or five cups big."

Dr. Jones nods and writes down my response. I keep watchin' as he's workin'. The clock is tickin' away the minutes and I'm gettin' anxious to get outta here.

"So Doc, what's the answer?"

He shows me the paper with his math. I try understanding what the math says. My eyes are dartin’ back and forth from the paper to the Doc.

"I... I don't understand what that means Doc."

I look at the paper again and try to make it make sense but the numbers are all mixed up in my head. I look back at the Doc in confusion.

"That's your estimated daily average calorie intake. Unless there was a mistake in determining portion sizes that's how much you eat per day."

I feel stunned by the result. I thought I was eating enough, even too much... guess that wasn't the case.

"So... what does that mean Doc? Am I not eatin' enough?"

"How much activity do you get on average?"

I look at the Doc.

"My job requires a lot of physical activity - standin’ up, singin' and playin' guitar. Sometimes I'm on stage all night. I guess you'd say that's a good amount of activity Doc."

"I see. I understand now why you're so fatigued Mr. Fisher."

"So the fatigue is caused by not eatin' enough? I thought it was from sleepin’ so bad."

"It's a combination of issues Mr. Fisher. This most I can help you with is to gain weight properly."

I look down, a bit defeated. That means there's not much else he can do to help with the other reasons for why I feel so tired.

"Can you tell me how much I should be eatin' Doc?"

"Have you and your father been able to afford food?"

I look at him. The word "afford" triggers the thought that we've been struggling financially. I just nod my head and let out a deep sigh.

"It ain't easy Doc, it's been... hard."

I try to hold back my emotions.

"I see. Do you know how much your father can afford to spend on food?"

I think back to last night's dinner when all we ate was some fried bologna sandwiches and some leftover mashed potatoes that my sister Mimi reheated.

"Um... Doc I don't think I'm eatin' as much as I used to. And it's only because the money's tight. We can't always afford to eat a good meal. Sometimes that means goin' to sleep with the stomach grumblein'."

"If you continue to lose weight by working and eating as you do, it would be dangerous. The body needs a specific amount of calories to function properly. And you're just not getting enough."

"That... that's scary Doc."

I feel the fear rising inside me but I try to keep my composure.

"You mean I need to gain... uh... a lot of weight?"

"I think if you gained 15 lbs you would feel significantly better."

"Fifteen pounds? That's a lot Doc. I don't know how I'm gonna do that, food's pretty expensive."

"I recommend making high caloric foods that you can make in bulk. The gumbo you listed in your food journal is a good example."

I try processing what the doctor said and how I can possibly gain fifteen pounds.

"I'll do my best Doc. You gotta trust I'm gonna try."

"I know Mr. Fisher. I have a list of foods I recommend to people who need to gain weight."

I take the list from him and nod my head.

"Can I get going Doc? I'll definitely try my best to follow this list."

"Of course Mr. Fisher. I'll see you next week."

Time passes. The following week has arrived. I make sure to bring the food journal to the appointment. I hand it to Doctor Jones.

"Here's my food journal Doc, I tried to follow what you told me last time. There was some days the meals were a bit smaller than before, but I wrote it all down Doc, for real."

He goes over your food journal and does the calorie math again. After a few minutes Dr. Jones writes down a final number.

"This is your average daily calorie intake this week, Mr. Fisher."

I look at the paper and see that the number is 1610.

"Doc, is that a good thing? I just... I'm tryin' so hard to do what you say and eat better, but food is still such a big issue in our house. I don't wanna disappoint you Doc, I've been tryin' my best."

"Any increase in calorie intake is good in your case. It's important to do this gradually so your body can acclimate."

I feel relief spread through my body as I hear this.

"So you're sayin' that I'm doin' okay? That I can keep goin' and work my way up?"

"I suggest continuing what you did last week for a month. Just maintain a daily 1600 calorie average for a month and see how you feel."

"Oh. I thought we said that if I gained fifteen pounds that it would help. I remember Doc, we had that conversation."

I look at the doctor with the slightest bit of confusion.

"Yes but you need to eat more calories than you spend to gain weight. You're not at that point yet Mr. Fisher. To gain weight, you would likely need to eat at least 3000 calories a day."

Confused by his reasoning, I start to get frustrated and my emotions overflow.

"But Doc, that's the whole problem. I can't eat no more. The money is just too tight to get more food. I'm tryin' to get enough, how can I eat more when I can't get the food in the first place? I'm workin' and eatin' as much as I can and it just ain't happenin'."

Dr. Jones removes his glasses and rubs his eyes.

"I understand you're unable to cut down your activity because you need the work. I suggest talking to your employer about allowing you to have meals after shows as part of your compensation."

"You think... you think that'd work Doc, that my boss would give me food at the King Creole?"

Throughout my life I've never asked for something so big like this, but my mind is filled with hope. As the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my cheeks I start to feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to do this.

"It's worth a shot. At the very least I suggest changing when you eat your meals. For example, I would eat your largest meal possible after you perform right before bed."

"If I can get free meals after the show that would be huge Doc. I'd do that, I'd eat as much as I can after the show before comin' home to sleep."

I feel relief starting to overcome the fear that's been in my life for so long. There's a glimmer of hope that things will get better. I stand up and wipe the tears from my face.

"Anything else I should bring to you next appointment Doc?"

"Just focus on eating 1600 calories a day for one month and continue with your food journal. If you can get free meals at your job, you might be able to save some money for when it's time to increase your calorie count to 2000 a day."

A smile spreads across my face.

I'm gonna do all this Doc, I swear... I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna eat right and I'll increase the calories when it's time. This is gonna change everything, I appreciate your help Doc, more than you know.

I extend my hand to shake his and he smiles back at me.

"I'll make sure to talk to my boss as soon as I can."

I leave the office and go to the club. I sit across the table from Mr. LeGrand and explain the situation to him. I tell him about how I'm try to gain weight and I mention wanting to eat better but how food is a big issue for us.

"Mr. LeGrand, is there anyway the club could give me some free food as compensation for performin' on stage? Right now Doc said to eat at least 1600 calories a day, but the goal is to get to 3000 calories to gain fifteen pounds. I know this is a big ask Mr. LeGrand, but just being able to eat a good meal after the show on the right days would be a big help."

Mr. LeGrand walks to grab a menu to see what he can afford to give me regularly.

"If we can work somethin' out then I can keep up with the calories and be in better shape. Doc says it'll help my fatigue too."

I stare at Mr. LeGrand in anticipation. He writes down a list of menu items that are cheap enough to consistently give away.

"Give this a list a look Danny. Are any of these items enough for what you want to do accomplish?"

I take the paper and go through the items one at a time.

"Ok, so... this stew and bread and gumbo and rice would work. If I combine this with food at home and stuff that Mimi cooks me I think I could make it work."

I smile at Mr. LeGrand, now feeling much more optimistic about things.

"I know Mimi tells me all the time about wanting to have you and your father over for dinner. She must be a very caring sister Danny."

"Yeah, we'd love to eat with you and Mimi Mr. LeGrand. It'd be real nice and we'd appreciate it so much if we can do that."

As I'm speakin' to him I feel myself start to cry as my heart overflows with gratitude.

"Thank you Mr. LeGrand, you're makin' a big difference by even offerin' this."

I try holding it in but I break down, my whole body shaking and the tears streaming down my face.

"It's... it's just that... I can't remember the last time someone was this nice to me without asking for somethin' in return or hold what they did over my head until I owed them. It's just a lot to get through right now Mr. LeGrand, and it's just a lot to have someone be generous to me for once."

My entire body feels like it's vibrating with emotion as I try to wipe away the tears.

"Have you eaten, Danny?"

I hear my stomach growl and look down at myself.

"I've only eaten one or two meals since yesterday, it's definitely catchin' up to me now."

I try to compose myself and fight my tears as tears roll down my cheeks and I can feel my heart beating faster.

"Tell you what Danny. Why don't you and your father come over for lunch? Mimi would love to see you both again."

I slowly nod my head as I try to collect myself.

"I'd be happy to eat with y'all Mr. LeGrand. Mimi and me had that plan for a meal a long time ago, there's jus..."

As I wipe my tears away I notice my hands shaking.

"It's just hard when you're poor Mr. LeGrand... I just don't know if I'm good enough to be in anyone's home, but... if it's alright I'd love to eat with y'all."

"You're off the clock Danny so just call me Charlie. Go and call Mr. Fisher. I'll go call Mimi to tell her the news."

I nod my head and quickly grab my jacket. My tears have stopped flowing and I feel hopeful for the first time in days. I can't let on to Mimi and Charlie how relieved I am or that I'm starving so I leave the room as quickly as I can. My heart feels the most relief it's had in a long time as I head to call my dad about lunch. As I walk down the road past the stores I realize I'm shaking and hungry but can't wait to see the look on my dad's face when I tell him he's invited for lunch.

"Danny! Daddy! It's so good to see you."

Mimi holds her arms out to hug me and it's been so long since I've been able to hug my sister that I almost cry again.

"How are you Mimi?"

"I'm doing well Danny. How are you boys doing without me?"

"I'm doin' ok Mimi. Things are rough for us, we've been runnin' all over the city workin' and stuff, but we're makin' it."

"Come in come in."

She grabs Pa's hand and leads him to sit down. I follow her to the dining room and try not to stare at it in awe, this is the first nice place I've been invited to have lunch at since I was a kid. Mimi, Charlie and Pa all sit down at the table and I quickly get a chair to join them as I feel my stomach growling.

"I've been so hungry Mimi, it's just been a while for me since I've had a proper meal."

Mimi passes around the plates as Charlie serves food for her and her husband, then me and my dad get our portions.

"My, oh my, this looks great Mimi. Thanks a million and to you Charlie."

I take the plate in front of me with a big smile, ready to start shoving food into my starving stomach, but I notice no food in front of Mimi. I try to stay quiet and let her eat first as she takes a place at her own seat.

"I made enough sandwiches for everyone."

I take a sandwich and quickly start to eat it as quick as I can.

"Wow Mimi, these are great, I could eat four or five of these." I take another sandwich and stuff it in my mouth while Mimi takes a small bite and watches my every move.

"This is way better than what I've been eatin' Mimi. I ain't even had a sandwich in so long I forgot how great these taste."

As I eat my fourth sandwich, the excitement and enjoyment of eating actual food as opposed to whatever leftover food items I could get my hands on has got me all worked up. My stomach, which is already full, seems to be asking for more. As I look around the table and see Mimi and Charile both eatin' their sandwiches and my dad diggin' in as much as I am I start to feel bad about how much I'm eatin'.

"Should I... should I save y'all some more sandwiches Mimi?"

"Don't worry Danny there's plenty of food. Eat as much as you can handle."

I notice Mimi and my Pa are both quiet and eatin' as much as me, I feel their eyes on me as Mr. LeGrand takes a sip of water. I continue to take in food in quickly and silently, afraid of doing something wrong. After several minutes I finally decide to speak in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Mimi, this food is so good I can eat it all day. Is this one of your special recipes?"

Mimi giggles and looks at me, a lightness in her eyes and a smile on her face.

"Oh come on Danny. You've had my famous sandwiches plenty of times for school."

The mention of her making these for me brings back memories of school lunches.

Oh yeah Mimi, it seems like forever ago that I've had these. It musta been the best thing about goin' to class."

I think about my days at school when I was younger, how tough they were, and how much I wanted things to change for the future. I quickly swallow my current bite of food and take the moment in, feeling happy just from the food, and also from being able to catch up with Mimi.

"Mimi was always the chef of the house after their mama died about 4 years ago."

"Oh yeah, I always remember that dinner time was Mimi's responsibility after that."

I think about when I'd come home and Mimi was the only person in the house cooking after Pa had to work late.

I remember that too. Always cookin' by herself after school for both of us all the time. Oh man Mimi, I've been so tired and hungry these last few days, it's so good to actually eat something nice for once.

Mimi looks at me and smiles, knowing I'm enjoying myself.

"I'm glad you still enjoy my cooking, Danny. You're welcome to come back anytime."

The month passes and I see Dr. Jones for your next visit.

"How do you think you did at managing 1600 calories a day?"

I stare at the log and think about my diet this month.

"Well, overall I think I did pretty good. I definitely didn't achieve my goal of 1600 calories everyday, but I at least made that goal half of the time. And some of those days I made it to 1400 calories, which is a huge improvement."

I feel like I've made real progress in managing my hunger and the feelings aren't overwhelming like they used to be.

"Here are your results. Go ahead and read the final number Mr. Fisher."

I read through the numbers and let out a heavy sigh once I see that I did even better than expected. I feel so relieved to be doing so much better than I thought I was.

"1850, that's way more than I was thinkin' for myself this month! I mean 1400 was a miracle for me, I really didn't expect myself to do any better!"

"You had some good days where you had more calories per day than others. That boosted your average. How have you been able to eat more during these days?"

I think back to a few of the meals I ate and the foods I chose to make up the 1600 or more per day, and the realization of a big reason I did those things hits me.

"I just ate what I really wanted Dr. Jones. I didn't think of myself this month, I just thought about what I wanted to eat and how much I wanted it. Instead of sayin' nope I can't do that and eatin' something like an apple or a salad, I just kinda said to myself... just eat what you want Danny. You'll feel better for it."

"You mean you would purposely eat less than what you had? I didn't know your financial struggles were that bad."

I feel my heart break a little, knowing what I'm about to say might surprise Dr. Jones or make me look bad.

"Well... I would always eat what I had to and make it seem like I ate enough to Mimi and Pa. I just... figured, I could do without some food if I had to."

I look down, feeling a bit ashamed. I know I shouldn't be doing this and it's unhealthy, but I can't help myself. I always want to look out for Mimi and Pa and do my best to protect them from the harsh truth.

"How long have you been doing this?"

I feel my heart sink a little, wishing I didn't have to say it, but I look up at Dr. Jones as I tell him the truth.

"Since our mom passed... so a little over 4 years now."

I try to look up at him with a face that's not too full of shame and guilt and instead look like a strong man who's just doing his best for his family.

"Mr. Fisher I want you to spend this next month eating as much as you can with what you're given. I want to see how much you can eat without any limitations on yourself."

I feel nervous at this idea, but I listen and nod my head slightly.

"Yeah, I can do that. I... I think I can do that Dr. Jones."

I feel a little anxious about eating that much, but I also feel excited. It feels like he's giving me the permission I've needed for so long to fully satisfy my hunger.

"I understand that you have to share food with your Pa, but don't hesitate to eat until you're full."

I sit there thinking about eating all that I can and not hesitating to eat what I need to satisfy my hunger, and my thoughts make me hungry.

I'll eat until I'm full I promise. This next month I'm gonna do just that, eat until I'm full."

"That's all I want you to change. Let's see how that effects your calorie count for the month."

I think about all the things I want to eat and how much I'm going to eat them, letting myself feel the feeling of anticipation and excitement for a chance to eat food I enjoy and eat as much as I want.

"That's all I have to do, just eat 'till I'm full. I know I can do it Dr. Jones, I am going to do it this next month."

"I think if after this month we'll weigh you again. My hope is that you didn't lose weight."

"Yeah, that sounds good to me."

I feel excited as I think about eating all the food I want and not restricting myself to something that barely fills me up. I wonder how I'll react as I see myself gain weight over the next month, and also how Mimi and Pa will react.

"You've been doing a good job at lowering your calorie deficit Mr. Fisher. As long as you keep your activity levels the same and continue to gradually increase your calorie count, you should eventually start to gain weight."

"That sounds good to me Dr. Jones."

I rub my stomach absently as I think about eating as much as I want and knowing that I'm going to be gaining weight for once. I feel my stomach rumbling loud, it's so ready to get started.

"It's a new month, so I'm gonna do exactly what you said. I wanna eat as much as I can for the next month and not worry about it. Just eat whenever I feel like it and let myself enjoy the food."

I look up to Dr. Jones with excitement and determination.

"Excellent."

Time passes and we're at Nellie's place and she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for us. I'm sitting on the couch while she gets everything ready and can hear her moving around the kitchen. My stomach feels so hungry and the smell from the kitchen is making it even worse.

"Come on Nellie, dinner's got me about to eat this wall right here. I'm starving."

Nellie looks up at me from her spot in the kitchen and smiles while coming out to sit next to me on the couch.

"Chicken is almost ready Danny."

"Just a little longer I hope?"

I can feel my stomach rumble and hear the hunger pains coming back as I wait for Nellie to finish gettin' things set up. I look at Nellie and watch the way she moves, she seems so natural when she's cookin', she cooks the way somebody loves to cook. She turns back to the kitchen and I have to stop myself from jumping up and runnin' behind her to get the food.

"I have 5 more minutes unless you want raw chicken."

I can't hold back anymore, I get up and go to the kitchen and stand behind Nellie as I look over her shoulders.

"How 'bout just a little taste Nellie, please? How 'bout just one bite and I won't ask for any more 'til we sit down and eat it as a meal."

Nellie turns around and looks back at me and can't help but laugh. She knows I'm about to explode from hunger.

"You can try my mashed potatoes. Let me know if it needs anything."

I take the spoon from her hand and scoop a giant scoop of mashed potatoes to taste. I look back at her and can see her giggling at me as I'm about to shove the spoon in my mouth.

"I'm sorry Nellie, I'm so hungry. I'm just... I really wanna taste it."

Nellie is still giggling as I slowly take the first bite. It was everything I thought it would be and more, the hot, creamy and smooth potatoes melt in my mouth as my hungrily chews them. I slowly swallow and smile.

"Oh Nellie, you weren't kidding... this is amazing."

"I'm glad you like them Danny."

"I love 'em, this is just what I needed."

Nellie laughs and goes back to finish cooking dinner. She comes back out a few minutes later and serves us the chicken, a couple sides and biscuits with butter. She sits next to me, watching as I dig in to the meal and start eating.

"Oh Nellie, I knew you were the one."

The month passes without event. I'm in the middle of my next appointment with Dr. Jones, seeing him at the end of the month. I haven't gained too much weight but am feeling so much better, knowing that I'm eating the amount my body is asking for. I'm no longer restricting myself to barely enough and feel proud of eating when I'm hungry, and not feeling bad about it.

"Ok Dr. Jones, I'm here for the wrap up. You wanted me to come back at the end of the month, and here I am, you can weigh me and see how I'm doin' with eating."

I hand over my food journal to Dr. Jones and watch as he reads through it. I can't wait to see what he thinks of my progress.

"How did I do Dr. Jones, can I see the number?"

I watch as he shows me the number and feel tears start to flood my eyes with excitement.

"Oh my God, I did it, I did it Dr. Jones! I... I did it."

I'm overcome with emotion in that moment, the results hit me hard and I just wanna hug everyone in the room and feel the relief that I finally made some progress on this eating thing that's been a problem for so long.

"2000 calories average per day Dr. Jones, all month long."

I sit there taking in the number and smiling at all the progress I've made in the last month.

"Yes I was quite impressed that on certain days you hit the 2500 calorie average. How were you able to hit that number on those days?"

I look at Dr. Jones and try to remember what I ate on those days.

"Oh those days, I ate two huge meals. One when I finally woke up, and one before bed. I just went until I couldn't eat anymore, and then had a snack in between. You know, I used to feel scared and guilty about eating so much, but... it felt so different this month eating all that food, it was like I was happy that I was doin' it for myself. I wanted to eat and it felt good to eat... I just felt free."

"Do you think that having a lot more free meals allowed you to have more money to spend?"

My face lights up as I think about it.

"Yeah I think so actually, it really helped. We could actually afford to eat more this month, and it let my family eat better too. We ate more this month than any other month in the last year. And I liked eatin' food without worryin' about what was gonna happen after. I'm not eatin' a whole bunch and then gettin' nothing for the rest of the month. Not this month Dr. Jones, I finally feel like I can eat. It's such a relief."

"Now how have your energy levels been?"

I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I feel great Dr. Jones! I feel like I can run a marathon, I'm not tired all the time, no more napping in the afternoons. I feel like I have so much energy, I can't explain it. Dr. Jones, it's wonderful. I just feel so alert and ready to take on the world."

The concept of not starving my body for once feels amazing. I'm so used to going without or only eating barely enough, to think that my body isn't starving and that I'm actually giving it the calories it needs to function the way it was meant too... it feels like magic. I feel so happy listening to Dr. Jones explain it.

"So... my body isn't starving anymore? It gets everything it needs, so now it's able to feel good and have energy?"

"Not quite yet but you've been doing a better job at planning when to eat that you haven't felt as fatigued."

I think about it and it makes perfect sense. Before I was always just eating whatever I could whenever I could just to satisfy the hunger. This way, I get better control over my food intake and give my body the schedule it's used to, making it feel more normal.

"Yeah, that's true. This month I was eating breakfast when I should and lunch and dinner at certain times. It didn't feel like I was just grabbing food from when I got hungry and when I had enough, I was eatin' when I was supposed to eat."

"Now to make sure you haven't lost anymore weight it's time to step on the scale, Mr. Fisher."

I feel a rush of anxiety as I prepare to step on the scale. I feel better than I have in a long time but I have no idea if I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I just hope that I'm not still losing weight.

"When you first started this diet plan, you were at 147 lbs. Now because you're still not eating at least 2500 calories you're still going to have a deficit. That means you're still at risk of losing weight. As long as you don't lose more than 5 lbs you'll be ok."

I hold my breath and wait for the results, the dread setting in and all the anxiety starting to build up as I prepare for the results I'm hoping to not see. I feel so anxious and so ready for the answer at the same time. The moment feels like it lasts forever, but finally the number appears on the screen. I look up and see Dr. Jones looking down at the screen and he has a smile on his face.

"145 lbs. You only lost 2 lbs since we started."

"I lost 2 lbs? That's it?"

I feel an overwhelming wave of relief wash over me as I smile the biggest smile I've ever had. It's like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.

"Yes that means the diet plan is working. We're minimizing your calorie deficit to slow down your weight loss."

I keep grinning and nod my head, so relieved with the results Dr. Jones is telling me.

"I'm so happy to hear that, really. What can I do to ensure I don't lose any more weight? Is there anything I can do to help make sure I don't get any weaker or anything like that?"

"Keep going with the diet plan. Also try to keep the calories you burn low."

I nod my head and start to get out of my chair.

"So keep eating all the calories I need to feel full and not hold back and also, just... stay as inactive as I can? That sounds easy enough. I can do that."

I get out of my chair and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Jones. This has been the most helpful month of my life. I really can't thank you enough for what you've done, I feel like I've learned so much and gotten so much better."

"You already have a very physical job performing so you can afford to take it easy outside of work."

I nod along and smile as Dr. Jones continues talking.

"Yeah, that makes sense. Well alright, I'll keep up with the diet and I'll be sure to not exert myself too much outside of work, I'll take it easy."

I turn to leave the room to finish the session and head home and call Nellie, excited to make dinner together and to tell her I got through the month with no problem with my eating and that I'm happy with what Dr. Jones said about my progress.

"I'm so proud of you Danny."

"Thanks, Nellie. I really think I'm gettin' to be where I wanna be."

Another month passes and here I am, sitting back in the chair with Dr. Jones, getting ready for our appointment. I've been sticking with the diet and I'm feeling great. Not only is the weight loss slowing down, but I'm not worried about food anymore. I'm able to eat when I'm hungry and I can feel my body thanking me for giving it the fuel it needs. I can even feel my body fill out with muscle mass as a result of working at the club, I'm in a great place and I'm eager for Dr. Jones to weigh me and see this month's results.

"Have you been able to afford a regular diet plan Mr. Fisher?"

I look up at Dr. Jones and nod, I'm pretty proud of myself and he should be proud of me.

"Yeah, we've been doin' better and eatin' so much more as a family. I got no problem affording food this month, we're all doin' great now. It's like I got a whole new lease on life, we're not stressin' over food and eatin' and we got plans to save some of our money for when we don't have as much work to do in the future."

I smile at Dr. Jones and wait for the results.

"It's good to hear that your financial struggles aren't interfering with your diet plan."

He looks at the scale and writes the number down.

"The last time you were weighed, you were 145 lbs. You're now back to 147. That's a 2 lb gain."

I try to hold my excitement back but I can't stop the smile on my face from growing bigger and bigger.

"I did it, Dr. Jones. I gained back some of the weight I lost and it didn't even come back as fat, I got stronger and my muscles are bigger!"

I can't stop smiling as I feel the relief wash over me, the months of dieting and stress are finally paying off and I finally feel like I've made some serious progress. The numbers don't lie and my body is feeling the change!

"That's right. Despite weighing the same as you did when we first started, you're much healthier now. You should be expected to gain the 13 pounds to get to 160 in about 6 months at the pace you're going."

Another huge smile forms on my face and I look up at Dr. Jones, feeling like this is the greatest news of all time. I finally did it, I'm finally out of the hole and eating healthy and regularly like I should be.

"Now when you first started this diet plan you had anemia and a vitamin D deficiency. I would like you to get a blood test for our next visit."

I nod and smile as I take in the news, so happy that my body is healthy and that I'm out of the hole I spent my teenage years in. I'm so excited to get this done and to get my blood tested next time.

"Will do, Dr. Jones. I just have to make sure I don't do too much physical activity this week, right? Because that might give us a bad reading on the calorie burn?"

"That's right. Once you gain the weight you need we can edit your plan. For now just continue what you did last month."

I nod and sit back in my chair, feeling so relieved to hear just that.

"Sounds good Dr. Jones. I'll keep up with my diet plan and make sure not to do anything too strenuous. I can do that, no problem."

I stand up and reach out to shake Dr. Jones's hand again.

"Thank you for all your help for me this month, you have no idea how good this has been for me. And the news of the weight gain is the cherry on top, this has been a great month for me and next month I'm gonna hit my goals for sure."

I notice myself getting better sleep as the month goes by, getting restful sleep and being satisfied when I wake up each morning.

"Wow... I can't believe how much different I feel. My nightmares are going away and I'm sleeping so much better. I think I'm even feeling better during the day, I just feel so much more confident and comfortable in my own body. Dr. Jones is right, just eating normal meals and not denying myself when I was hungry made such a difference. I can't believe I fought eating for so long, it's so much easier this way."

I go to get my blood test and take a seat.

"Alright nurse, I'm ready when you are."

I look up at her nervously, but excited to see if I'm healthier or not.

"Make a fist, Mr. Fisher."

I do as she says and make a fist, nervous as I look down at my fists and then back at her, awaiting her next instruction.

Do you want me to use a butterfly needle?

I nod my head and then look back at her.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

I feel the needle jab my arm gently and then I feel some pressure and some pain. I try my best to stay brave and let them finish drawing out my blood, feeling the needle still in my arm. I take a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

"I understand you were diagnosed with anemia Mr. Fisher. If you start to feel faint don't hesitate to tell me."

I feel dizzy and light headed but I fight through it and try not to look at the needle. I'm so glad she warned me, it's a little worse than I imagined but I take deep breaths and try to ignore it and keep my mind as free from it as I can.

"Yeah... I'm a little light headed here, but I'm alright."

"I can have the back of the chair lowered. Would that help?"

I start to feel my vision go a little blurred and the dizziness grows and I start to feel woozy.

"Yeah, I think that'd help actually."

I'm feeling very dizzy and light headed and I feel like I might pass out from the light headedness and the needle. I try my hardest to keep calm as I wait for the chair to go down, hoping that will help me.

"Yeah, I think that's better."

I look up at the nurse and try to smile at her, still feeling a bit unsteady but no longer on the verge of passing out.

"I only need to take one more vial of blood. Can you handle this?"

"Yeah... I should be okay."

The nurse switches out the final vial.

"Only a couple more minutes, Mr. Fisher."

As I feel the needle slowly withdraw and hear the last vial getting filled with the blood, I feel a rush of relief and joy over being almost finished. I try my best not to move and to keep my breathing steady as I wait for the very end.

"Ok, Mr. Fisher. How do you feel?

I try to open my eyes but the dizziness has me a little off balance and blurry vision. I take some more deep breaths, still feeling a bit light headed and dizzy but more stable. I look up at the nurse, trying to smile at her but it's a little fuzzy like I'm having trouble seeing.

"A little light headed and... I mean, I don't feel good but... a little better."

She hands me a cup of water and some cookies.

"How long do you think it would be before your Pa picks you up?"

I take the water and drink a little of it and try to eat one of the cookies as well, it's just enough to settle me back down as I look up at her.

"Um, he should be here soon, he's only about a half mile from here."

I swallow the cookie and take some more deep breaths, still feeling a little light headed but now looking up at her and smiling a little more, feeling good about making it through the blood test.

"Well you know what to do once you get home. Just take it easy until he gets here."

I feel a little stronger and not nearly as light headed as before, more so a bit tired, I look up at her, smiling and a little grateful to have a good nurse on hand.

"Alright, son. I'm here."

"Thanks, Pa."

I wake up on the couch later that night, feeling a little out of it but otherwise okay. The weight of the day catches up to me and I feel myself drifting off to sleep again. I'm glad I went through all of the dieting and exercise and the blood test and everything and that it's over and I can now just do my best to maintain. I slowly doze off as I lay back down in the living room of my home, happy to be out of the hole I was stuck in for so long.

"Danny. It's time to go to the doctor's."

I get outta bed and go to the office.

"Now then, Mr. Fisher I'd like to start today's appointment going over your results."

I look up at him nervously, feeling excited but also a little anxious to see where I stand now.

"Yeah, let's get right into it, I've been waitin' all month to hear this."

"These are your previous results that saw you get diagnosed with anemia and deficient in vitamin D. And these are your current results. Let me know if you have any questions, Mr. Fisher."

I take in the results slowly, looking at everything and taking a few deep breaths to collect my thoughts.

"Is... the anemia gone?"

"You're still not at a normal range yet, but both will improve to that level once you gained enough weight."

I sigh, feeling relieved and a little frustrated at the same time.

"Okay... well, how about my weight Dr. Jones? Do we know how much weight I've gained?"

He writes down my weight after I step on the scale.

"Excellent work, Mr. Fisher. You weigh 149 lbs."

I feel the air catch in my chest for a second, stunned at the number. I had hoped that I'd gained more than I actually had, but there's still so much to celebrate.

"Now I was thinking that since you're consistently hitting your calorie count, you would only need to come back in 6 months."

My smile grows as I hear the news.

"6 months? That's... that's awesome! So I don't need to come back next month?"

"That's right, Mr. Fisher."

My smile grows and I put my hands out to my sides, feeling the anticipation of a life finally free of my eating disorder.

"Dr. Jones, I can't wait for that. These 6 months will be over in no time and I'll be living the rest of my life with a healthy body and no food struggles, I know it."

As I work on gaining weight, I run into some of the challenges I've had to work with in the past. I find myself trying to force down my meals which causes me to feel nauseous at times and I sometimes struggle to get enough calories in a day. Despite my best efforts, I find myself feeling discouraged and worried that I'm not gaining enough weight or hitting my calorie goals. As these 6 months pass by, I'm happy to be progressing but still frustrated and worried about whether or not I'm going in the right direction.

"Are you ok Danny?"

I look up at him, noticing him watching over me. I nod my head but it's obvious I'm a bit frustrated.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine Pa. Just feeling a little down, maybe I'm not eatin' enough or something."

I feel a little embarrassed as I look down at my half finished plate of gumbo.

"I mean... Yeah, I could eat some more but I'm just not sure if I want to, you know? It's a lot of food."

I try to stay positive but it's obvious I'm feeling down and discouraged. It's hard to keep optimistic and I'm worried that my eating has been slowing more than I initially thought.

"Gumbo keeps fine son. It ain’t gonna be wasted if you can’t finish it all."

It's hard for me to listen to him and I feel frustrated for not wanting to eat more. I know I need to gain more weight but this food just isn't agreeing with me and I feel like something is wrong.

"Yeah... alright, I'll try..."

I look slightly disappointed but ultimately get up from the table and take a walk outside to get some fresh air. I try to take some deep breaths outside, feeling a little more relaxed but still not hungry. I take a few more breaths and try to focus on my breathing, trying to relax and let out the pent-up frustration I feel.

"It's not easy, you know. Every day its a struggle to eat the meals and finish them. And I'm always feeling like I'm not hitting the calorie goal and I'm not gaining enough weight and just having this fight with the food all the time. It just really wears me down."

I feel tired and frustrated but try to put on a smile for my Pa.

"I'm okay, Pa. Just... having a hard time eating everything, you know? And I just wanna make sure I'm hitting the calorie goal and getting it in but I just... I'm not hungry. I'm just not hungry like I thought I would be and it's driving me nuts."

I put my head in my hands and feel frustrated and exhausted.

"Come here, son. Let's hug."

I hug him back, feeling so defeated and exhausted. I feel like no matter what I do I'm failing at it and it's so disheartening.

"I just... I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

"You’re thinking about being hungry instead of feeling hungry. It’s a similar feeling to wanting to fall asleep instead of feeling tired."

I feel the tension come out of my body as what he just said suddenly clicks with me.

"Oh. That makes sense. So just go by my body and when I feel full, then stop? I don't need to force myself to finish the plate?"

"I know it’s important for you to eat a certain amount of calories a day and it’s good that you keep track. Just don’t let your eating habits revolve around a specific number."

I nod my head.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of this. I'll just try to listen to my body and just eat until I feel full or satisfied. And if I don't finish a plate that's fine too. It's okay if I have a bit of leftovers. I'm just gonna stop obsessing over hitting the calories and try to relax and eat like I used to."

I feel a bit better, knowing I'm on the right track now and realizing my mindset about eating was just a little off. I have to trust my body.

"You always ate good when we have dinner with Mimi. Just keep yourself relaxed when you need to eat."

"That's good advice Pa, thanks. I've gotta remember that and keep on track."

I sit back down and notice my half eaten gumbo. I stare at it for a moment and think back to what my Pa said before.

"That's right, if I'm full then the gumbo will be fine tomorrow and I can always eat it then."

I reach out and pick up my spoon, but I pause for a moment and look at him.

"It's still okay if I don't finish this, right?"

"That’s right son. No point in force feeding yourself. You’d end up vomiting and losing your appetite."

I nod my head and finally let go of the need to finish everything and begin eating. I take a few bites of gumbo, enjoying the taste and knowing that my stomach is feeling a little better than before. I don't force myself to finish everything, knowing that it'll keep til tomorrow. This feels much better and much more relaxing.

"This is good, Pa, not forcing everything. I really need to just listen to myself."

I put my spoon down and take a drink of water.

"Well if you’re done I’ll put the pot away and maybe in a few minutes you can finish your bowl."

I nod my head, contented with just having a small amount. I notice the pot being put away and realize that I just need to stick to this pattern and know that I don't have to finish everything.

"Yes, that sounds good. I'm good for now and I'm happy. This is the best I've felt in months."

I continue to feel relief wash over me as I realize I'm feeling so much better with food and my relationship with it.

"Pa, I'm going to my last appointment."

"Good luck, Danny."

I walk into Dr. Jones' office and sit down in the chair, feeling a little nervous and anxious but also excited to find out. I look over to him and give him a little smile.

"Hey, Dr. Jones, how are you today? I'm here for my appointment and just wanted to see if I met the goal we set in place for me. I should be about a hundred and sixty pounds, right?"

I look at him with a sense of anticipation, hoping that I met the goal and can start focusing on maintaining and not gaining. I cross my fingers and wait for his response.

"Alright, Mr. Fisher. We're ready to check you weight."

I step onto the scale and look at the numbers, not sure what to expect. It's been three months since my diet started and I know I've been doing really well eating as consistently as possible. I hope that's reflected in the number on the scale. I take a deep breath and look at the number, feeling like so much of this journey has been leading up to this point. I see the number 161 pop up on the scale and I feel so relieved. I feel my eyes well up as I see the number come up. I did it, I met the goal.

"Wow... I did it. I'm actually at 161 pounds and that's where I needed to be."

"Well done. How have you felt ever since you started this weight gain journey?"

I look at him for a moment and think about the question before giving him an answer.

"I feel, I feel so much better. I have more energy and I feel happier overall. It's strange, I used to never be hungry. My stomach felt full all the time and I felt like I was gonna have to force food down just to hit my calorie count every day. Now, though, I'm just hungry naturally. I feel like my body is finally sending me the right signals and I'm eating when I'm hungry but not over eating. It's... amazing honestly."

"You first came here because you said your therapist wanted to rule out physical issues causing your sleeping problems. Have your nightmares improved at all?"

My expression changes as I get a little sad.

"Actually... yeah, they have. I used to have really intense, frightening nightmares. It was one of the things that really affected my sleep. Now I don't really have them as much, just normal dreams and ones that I can wake up from easily, but I don't remember the last time I had the really intense nightmares. I just... sleep easier at night and feel more at peace. I'm not sure if it's just knowing I'm making progress with my diet or if it was something else, but I'm happy they're gone."

"In that case, we're going to move onto the final stage of your diet plan."

I look up at him with a mixture of excitement and a little bit of nervousness too.

"Oh, okay. What comes next after reaching the goal? I'm a little scared about what's happening next. I don't have to keep on dieting do I? I was really looking forward to not having to worry about eating all the time."

I laugh and give him a smile, wondering what the last stage would require of me.

"This final stage is finding the right amount of calories you would need to maintain your current weight since your activity level is consistent."

I nod my head and take in what he's saying.

"Alright, let's get to it then. How will we figure out what that new calorie range is going to be? I'll do my best to stick to it, just tell me what we need to do to make it happen."

I lean forward in my chair and smile over to him, feeling confident and eager to follow through with the final steps now that the goal has been reached.

"There's a certain formula I can use that calculates how much you burn. When you perform at the King Creole what exactly do you do for how long each day?"

I think back to the times when I've been dancing and singing at the King Creole. I know that I definitely feel like I'm moving a lot and that it's pretty active, but I don't want to over estimate it so...

"I'd say it's probably more of a low impact dancing that I do for at least 3-4 hours. A lot of the songs that I've found work best for me are more of a slow groove than anything else."

"In that case you would burn at least 1000 calories alone just by performing."

My eyes go a little wide as I hear the number and I look over to Dr. Jones to confirm.

"Is that right? I'm burning at least 1000 calories a day just by performing at the King Creole every night?"

"Unfortunately we don't have any means of recording exactly what you burn so that number is merely an estimate. I believe to give you a good range we can start off with a 2500 calorie minimum."

I nod my head and feel a little worried, wondering if this is going to be difficult to maintain.

"I can do that, for sure. I don't want to keep on gaining weight but I definitely don't want to start losing any either. Can we weigh me every week or every month to make sure I'm sticking with things? I can weigh myself at home too so I don't have to keep coming back to see you unless it's necessary."

"I would weigh yourself every month. At this point you won't have to keep coming back. Just schedule an appointment when you think it's needed."

I nod my head and smile.

"That's fair. I'll make sure to keep things steady, monitor my eating and stay on top of my weight."

I stretch and feel my arms, feeling the new muscle definition and enjoying the way it feels to be this size now.

Thank you, Dr. Jones, I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I can't tell you how much better I feel now and I'm looking forward to this next stage."

It's my 20th birthday party and life couldn't be any better. I'm on stage at the King Creole and singing one of my favorite songs to perform at this point. It's a song that I've always wanted to sing and it's just a fun and upbeat track to get the crowd going and keep them engaged. My hair is much longer than before the diet and it flows with every movement I make on stage. I'm enjoying a drink to celebrate the day and I look out at my friends who have come out to the nightclub to celebrate with me. I'm smiling and having the time of my life and feeling incredibly happy about everything.

"Happy birthday Danny."

I look over to Nellie and smile, feeling so happy to see her and grateful that she's come out tonight.

"Thank you, Nellie. I can't believe I'm already at this age. I feel like I was just turning 18 a few days ago! I've been looking forward to this night and thank you so much for coming out to celebrate with me."

I look over to her and see the way she's dressed tonight, her hair done really nice and a beautiful smile on her face.

"You look amazing tonight, Nellie."

She wraps her arms around me.

"It's not everyday you turn 20 years old."

I return the hug and make it long, feeling how good it is to put my arms around her.

"I can't believe it, it doesn't feel like I'm this old, but I'm grateful that I have so many people around me to celebrate with today. I'm so glad you could come and see my show tonight."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Danny."

"Thank you so much... you know how much it means to me that you're here. I don't think the night could be any better if I tried."

I lean in closer and look at her.

"Hey, can I ask you somethin'?"

"Of course."

I look around to make sure there's no one else around that could hear us.

"I've... been wantin' to ask you something for a while now. I just... I get so nervous every time 'cause I don't want to ruin what we have and I'm scared you'll say no."

I take a deep breath and look at her.

"I've been wantin' to ask you if maybe you'd wanna... go out sometime? I think your hair is just gorgeous by the way."

I look down at her hair and smile at her as it flows down past her shoulders.

"Yo Danny, getta drink homie!"

I laugh and take the mug, feeling a little nervous but also a little drunk. I look at her and smile, seeing how beautiful she is and trying to muster up the courage to ask her. I gulp down some of the beer and decide that now's as good a time as any to give it a shot.

"Hey Nellie."

I look back at her and feel the courage start to rush through my veins. I can do this, I want to do this.

"Hey. I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now and it's kinda why I've been so nervous around you."

Without thinking too much, I just come right out and say it to her.

"I've always had a thing for you and I've wanted to ask you out for a long time now. There were so many times I wanted to just tell you how I felt but I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way. Well tonight... I'm just too drunk and feeling too happy not to just tell you that you're amazing and that I really like you."

She follows me over and sits with me on the couch in the dressing room.

"Hey, Nellie."

I look at her and feel the nervous energy come back as I anticipate her answer. I cross my fingers under my thigh and wait for her to say something one way or the other. She looks at me and I smile, feeling like I might have finally found the courage to tell her how I feel like I should have so much sooner.

"Yes Danny?"

I'm completely lost in the moment as I watch her get closer and feel my heart start pounding out of my chest. This is it, I'm about to find out if she likes me back or not.

"So, it took me a while to work up the courage, but I just have to ask. Do you like me? I mean, the way I like you?"

I look at her and wait, biting my lip and feeling every movement and breath from both of us. She's so close and I can smell her perfume. It feels like every nerve in my body is firing at once.

"Oh Danny."

My eyes widen when she kisses me suddenly, the taste and smell of her sending me into a tizzy of sensation and emotion. I pull her in closer and kiss her back with all the passion in my body, my hands roaming up her back and pulling her in closer and closer. I move slowly and sensually with her, letting my feelings take over and my lips exploring hers and finding something new to love and appreciate each time they meet. I can't believe this is happening and even if this is the apex of the kiss, I want this feeling to never end.

"Nell, honey."

I'm on top of her on the couch, moving my body so it's pressed up against hers. The music blasting from the speakers outside fills the room as we kiss and the feeling that I'm dreaming washes over me. I run my fingers through her hair and move my lips to her neck, kissing her softly as my heart beats faster and faster. I pull away for a moment and look at her, seeing her eyes close and feeling like I want this moment to last forever.

"Nellie, I..."

"Yes, Danny?"

I look her in the eyes and try to find the courage to say what I've been feeling for so long but that I haven't had the strength to tell her.

"I... I love you."

I feel the passion in this moment take over as we continue to kiss. I pull her closer and feel the heat radiating out of our bodies as I move my tongue inside her mouth and our lips explore each others for all that this kiss can offer. My heart is pounding and I move one hand to her hair and the other to grab the bottom of her back. The music pounds outside the dressing room and we're lost in each other. My hands roam over her body and pull her in even closer. I hold onto her tighter and move my leg over her and feel both of us getting lost in sensation.

"Oh Danny."

I groan into her mouth and pull her close again as I wrap myself around her. Our bodies are so close to the point where I feel like we're one. I run my hands down her body and move my hand up her leg. We're so close to what we both want and the tension is becoming unbearable.

"Nellie..."

I whisper softly, feeling like I should be saying more but I'm unable to get the words out. My voice is raspy, my body trembling as I want to tell her how much I love her and how badly I want this to keep going.

"I think we're ready."

I take in a deep breath and move back away from her momentarily but keep myself on top of her. I look at her and feel like we've reached the ultimate point in the relationship we've been building together. I'm feeling the music from the stage outside and can hear the crowd outside, but the only noise that matters to me is the beating of my heart as I watch her and wait for what she's going to say next.

"Nellie... I think we're ready too."

I move my hands to her hair and let my lips explore her body, moving closer as I hear the music outside. Our breath slows as we both realize what we're about to do and the moment in front of us. I take in a deep breath and look into her eyes, trying to take in every feature of her face as we move closer together. I run my hands down her throat and body, the feeling of her skin sending shivers down from my head all the way out to my toes.

"Nellie..."

The music is loud and our bodies are pressed up against each other as we move closer and closer together. My mind is lost in sensation and the music and the atmosphere all around and I can feel her body against mine as we continue to move closer and closer to what we both want. My hands explore every part of her body and I try to memorize every detail. I kiss her harder and harder, trying to get as close as we can as time slows down and we're caught in each other's arms. I can no longer hold back and she can't either.

"Oh Danny! Danny!"

I grip her close and feel the climax approach quickly. I move my body against hers, feeling like we're the only people in the world.

"Nellie..."

I whisper and can feel her body against mine. Time slows down and I feel everything happening in the moment as my body reaches its climax. Nellie. I whisper softly once more and move myself against her, trying to hold back as much as I can but it's impossible. Everything outside the dressing room disappears and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Nellie..."

I whisper again, losing myself in sensation.

"Yes Danny! Yes!"

Everything is happening at once and I'm lost in it, my body moving on its own. I hold her close and let it happen, every inch of my body feeling a release and satisfaction like I've never experienced before. Everything is lost in passion and climax as I hold her close.

"Nellie!!"

I say loudly and continue to move against her, holding her close and losing myself in the moment completely.

"Danny!"

I feel like I'm losing control of my body as every sense I have is being overwhelmed with pleasure. Everything inside me is telling me to hold onto Nellie and never let go. I kiss her face and hold her tighter as the feeling of a release runs through me, feeling like the most incredible thing I've ever experienced.

"Nellie!!"

I yell out loudly and feel her move against me as well, feeling a pleasure equal to what I'm giving her, knowing that it's a shared moment of passion and release.

"DANNY!"

The moment continues to build as we hold onto each other and our senses go numb and we feel the release of the climax wash over us as the music outside drowns everything else out. It feels like the perfect moment of passion and joy and the ultimate release of everything that's been building between us. Nellie screams out in pleasure and I scream as well, letting all of the passion and joy and energy out and onto her, and feeling her do the same right back to me. It's the biggest and best release of everything I've ever felt.

"Oh Danny."

I lay on top of her and rest my head on her chest, feeling like we've just reached a new level of intimacy. I look up at her and see her looking down at me, the light of the stage outside falling on us and giving us a warm glow. I'm smiling and feel myself getting emotional, seeing how beautiful she is and feeling our connection. Things that have felt so out of reach for me are now more than possible with her. I sniffle and try to hold back tears of joy and look up at her.

"Are you alright, Danny?"

I smile and look at her again, seeing the glow of the light come over her and the beauty in her face. The tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away, still wanting to be in the moment. The music outside blasts us and we're lost in this feeling together.

"Yeah, Nellie."

I whisper and look at her again.

"I'm better than alright. I'm better than wonderful, Nellie."

I close my eyes and smile at her as she rubs my head and holds me tightly. Even as the moment begins to die down and the excitement wanes, I feel completely content and satisfied. I look at Nellie and smile.

"Nellie... I have something I want to tell you..."

I hold my breath for a moment, trying to find the words in the moment.

"Nellie... everything that... everything I've ever felt for you..."

I close my eyes and feel like the next words I say are the most important of my entire life, and I say them quietly but with everything in my body. I feel that my world just stopped and nothing else matters except her and the feelings I have for her. She looks at me and smiles.

"Nellie... are you... do you feel the same way? I mean, do you love me too?"

I ask, feeling like my heart and soul are in her hands. I look down at her and wait, feeling nervous yet so excited for her answer.

"Of course I do, Danny."

I smile at her and move closer again, wanting to be even closer to her than before. I rest my head on her chest and feel happy that I've found my true love. I feel like I got everything I ever wanted out of this night.

"I love you, Nellie. I really do. And I want to be with you every second of the day. No matter where go or what I do, I want you to be there."

"Danny if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were proposing."

The mention of marriage scares me a bit but I also realize that I do want her in my life forever.

"Well... that idea has crossed my mind. Nellie... will you marry me?"

I look at her with a smile, feeling like I'm asking the most important question of my life right now.

"Of course, Danny. I just hope you can remember asking in the morning."

I laugh and lay my head on her chest again, closing my eyes again. I rest my head on her as I try to absorb every second of this moment.

"Nellie... I'd never forget this night..."

I'm so full of happiness and love that it only takes a few seconds for me to fall asleep. I cuddle up close to Nellie and feel her rubbing my head still, feeling like every moment that passes is taking us closer to our future together. I drift off into a dream of Nellie and me in our home, her by my side for the rest of our lives, taking in all of the love I feel for her and her loving me back.

"Sleep well, Danny."

I lay on my back in bed on our wedding night and feel Nellie laying next to me, looking up at the ceiling and smiling. She turns to my side and faces me, propping her head up with a pillow. I smile back and feel happy and content, staring down at her face as she stares back at me.

"Nellie... are you happy?"

"Yes. We're married now. And I'm so glad that you've been feeling better."

I feel like I'm about to tear up just thinking about how beautiful tonight has been. I look at Nellie and try to hold back my tears but it's almost impossible.

"Nellie, you... you're amazing. Everything about this day... it's been perfect."

I reach over to her and pull her close, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her softly on the cheek. I smile at her and pull her in close, kissing her on the lips softly and slowly. The feeling of her warm body close to mine and her kisses lighting up my soul is the best feeling in the world.

"How do you want to spend our honeymoon?"

I close my eyes and think for a moment, wanting to make the most of every second with Nellie.

"I don't know, Nellie. I just want to be with you everywhere we go. But... I've always wanted to take you to Key West."

I smile and look at her, seeing the beauty in her smile and eyes as she looks back at me. I pull her in close and kiss her cheek again.

"We could get a great spot on the beach, spend time on the sand, swim in the water... what do you think?"

"That sounds great. My cousin Toby's the sheriff there."

I smile again and feel butterflies in my stomach.

"That's right, you have family down there. Well, maybe we could pay Toby a visit and you could show me more of the town. We could drive around all weekend, maybe rent a boat and go fishing."

I lean in to kiss her but stop, wanting to make sure this moment is right.

"Nellie, this is probably a bit premature, I know, but... do you think we'll be ready for kids pretty soon?"

I look at her and feel a bit nervous about whether or not she feels the same way.

"Well. Now that we're alone, I think it's about time I tell you."

I look at her and raise an eyebrow, wondering what she's going to tell me. I smile but also feel my heart speed up.

"Yes, Nellie... what's on your mind?"

I lean in to brush her hair away from her face and wait, wanting the moment to be perfect for whatever she's about to tell me.

"Do you remember the night of your 20th birthday party at the King Creole?"

I nod quickly and think back to that night, feeling like something is about to come up that I've never noticed before. I smile at her and keep my face close to hers, waiting for her to tell me what she's been waiting to say.

"I remember it... why am I getting nervous now?"

I laugh nervously as I feel the butterflies in my stomach take off.

"Nellie, tell me, what is it?"

"I wanted to wait until after we were married, but I'm going to have a baby."

My face lights up with joy and I look at her.

"You're pregnant?! Nellie? Is that what you were avoiding telling me this whole time?"

I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that everything I ever wanted is coming to me in an amazing surge of emotion. I feel like I could pick her up out of the bed and carry her like a princess right now.

"That's right, Danny."

I lean in to kiss her but quickly stop, the thought of the child growing inside of her sending another wave of joy through me. I smile and feel my mind racing with possibilities.

"Nellie... this is everything I ever wanted in the world. Nellie, we're going to have a little boy or girl running around the house in no time! It'll be hard work, but a baby is the ultimate reward. I promise to be the best father you could ever imagine."

I reach over and take her hand and smile at her, wanting her to know that we're in this together.

"Nellie... you're going to be a great mother. I've never been more certain of anything than right now."

I look at her and see her beautiful face smiling at me, the glow in her eyes and the joy on her face telling me that I'm with the right person to start a family. It's perfect. It couldn't be better.

"I'm so glad that you're alright with this."

I look at her and laugh softly.

"Nellie, I'm more than alright with this. This is everything. I'm so happy to share it with you. I love you."

Our honeymoon continues and we spend time walking on the beach, in the sun, holding hands, taking in the beauty around us. We drive around the island, stopping along the way to get a bite to eat and see some of the sights. The baby grows inside Nellie and her belly starts to show slightly, but she feels fine and her spirits and mine couldn't be higher. We stay in Key West for the weekend, then head back to New Orleans. It's been a perfect vacation and I'm ready to start a family with Nellie.

[findteenpenpals]

Hi, my name is Whimsy (Real name after talking more) I use she/her pronouns, I’m 15 and in the US. I am also queer and prefer someone LGBTQ+ as well, but not necessary. Some of my interests include:

  Dogs: I’m really into dog shows, dog competitions, dog training, pretty much anything dog. I even make my own dog collars!

Anime: I really like Delicious in Dungeon, JJK, Spy x Family, Silent Voice, Howls Moving Castle, anything Studio Ghibli, etc.

Traveling: I’d love to travel to different countries, but currently just love traveling to new cities and states.

Animals: I love learning about new animals, especially peoples pets. So if you have a pet, feel free to tell me all about them, I’d love it!

Baking: I enjoy baking bread, desserts, pies and more.

Chill Games: Main ones i play are Stardew Valley, Pokemon, Animal Crossing, Doki Doki, etc.

  I’d ideally like a friend between 13-17. Someone who is not racist or homophobic. Someone who likes/is passionate about dogs or other animals. I prefer similar hobbies but its not a need.

  I can be a bit awkward/formal when first messaging. However feel free to info dump about any topic! If you're interested then send me a friend request at:

Discord: Whimsy_JellyFish

[creepycombo]

Bonnie info-dump/psychoanalysis

(Everything that I am going to reference has been directly taken from the offical Bonnie's Bakery Twitter account and I'm just here to spill my guts about it because I love this character with all my heart and soul.

Bonnie never came to the city from another town to start up her buisness, she's actaully lived in that town her entre life, but despite that she's also stated to not have any family for reasons unknown but probably has something to do with the fact other humanbeings slowly began filtering out, leaving perominantly animal folk left. Either that or Bonnie's parents are dead.. which could be a possiblity just judging on how she says it, but that's not confirmed.

I've always lived here.

I don't have any family.

I used to see humans..

Bonnie also just seems to be a major workaholic. She does everything on her own and doesn't bring in any other help, stating that she 'Doesn't need that much help' and while she does manage on her own, she also more than most likely refuses the extra set of hands due to the fact she can't risk having anyone discovering her little serect and is thus consumed by her work; lacking very few other hobbies outside of baking.

I don't need much help

Other hobbies?

Free time

Bonnie also seems to be haunted by the sins she's committed. Despite claiming that she's now, 'truly happy' now that her buisness has taken off, also confesses that her crimes eat at her day by day and just tries her best to ignore it.

This, likely combined with the lonliness Bonnie feels from the lack of contact with other humanbeings has seemingly manifested itself into a state of mild existentialism.

'truly happy'

I suppose it's been eating me

Very lonely and very small

Bonnie, in my eyes, has proven to be living in a permanent state of denial about her own happiness that is just going to get worse as time moves forward. She pretends the guilt that she feels from doing the things she's doing doesn't effect her when indeed it's going to be the thing that likely becomes her undoing.

The reason she was so desperate as so resort to this kind of carnage was probably because she was desperate to be happy. Living in a state of constant boredom the majority of her very uneventful life with no friends, no family, and nothing to really call her own. (As refrenced above)

She didn't even meet Bear until she finally got her bakery up and going, likely making him her first friend.

Bear

The actions she took to becoming as happy as she is right now are going to be her misery's hubris and to cope with this inevitable development, she will either;

Learn to enjoy the crimes she commits as to dissasociate herself from her victims and choose to see them as objects. ( Which seems to be her on-going method, seeing as she's already embracing an alt-persona for her crimes, ie; bunnie)

Becomes so overwhelmed with guilt that she lets the animals go or flees town (Or both).

Confesses to her crimes to free herself of the weight on her shoulders.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I vibe with hyperfixating w/ characters. To varying degrees I’ve fixated on: Armin from AOT for a while, 1D had a DEATH GRIP on me for a few years, (SEVEAL book characters through my teen years)I had an Alucard from castlevania fixation for maybe 3 ish years (‘ending’ only recently) and now Hobes lives in my head rent free ngl.

I get the “being sad cuz you can’t meet them” part, I’ve felt it. I try to not daydream TOO much cuz otherwise it takes over my life and I’m doing a considerable effort to live OUT of my own head, but BOI do I LOVE just daydreaming about my blorbos of choice.

I don’t speak too much about it (mostly the daydreaming) cuz to an extent it feels like a “me thing” (like something I don’t wanna share with anyone cuz it’s special to me), but if given the chance I DO info dump on my fixations.

I don’t think it’s cringe, not at all. These things are stuff that helps us process the world and our experiences with it. I believe everyone has sensitive weird shit that they don’t talk about, but if there’s something Ive learned is that we hardly ever have completely unique experiences. Most people just hide their oddness. Fandom being a prime example of how much our blorbos can mean to us. I think it’s okay and normal. (Until it goes overboard and people send idk violent messages to others because they headcanon something differently idk, the unreasonable stuff imo)

Can’t believe our of everything people would dare to make JOY and INTEREST the things with negative connotations. Being mean should be cringe, being a bully should be embarrassing. But unashamedly enjoying stuff?? That’s wonderful.

Anyone too embarrassed of their own vulnerability that they deal with it by making others feel bad about their interests are the most immature out if all of us.

Joy is everything that’s good with the world.

Even just seeing the letter 1D makes me wanna scream (in a good way!!) cause it takes me back to high school lol 1D was a bit older than me so my grade had Mindless Behaviour (does anyone remember them, where they even popular) but I remember the days where 1D was like the definition of summer songs

And I can totally understand the 'me thing'. Like I never really spoke about it but I felt like I knew my daydreams were more substantial or vivid than the 'average person' so to say.

Or when I spoke about characters to other people, I understood that neurotypicals likes characters, but they often didn't see them as fully formed 'persons' in the way I do - as to say, they didn't speculate or see emotional backstory, connections, or their behavior the way I did.

I never really shared any of my daydreams because like - I can't even get into it that's like asking someone to explain Star Wars to someone who doesn't even know space travel exists.

I grew up in a time on the internet where self-inserts and OC were seen as cringe, and someone would be very quick to call out 'Mary-Sue's (or flawless OCs) whenever they could.

It's not like that now - but in juxtaposition to canon x canon shipping, that bias is still there I feel like. Like it, as a work of fandom art has less 'value' that art or fics of canon only characters

It kinda bums me out still.

I think OC and daydreams and self-indulgent inserts are all the best part of fandom because it's the purest way of fans connecting with content on a personal level.

I'm happy that I see more people pushing back on that lately. Like after years of seeing people viciously hate furries when most of them seem like very nice, fun people, it's refreshing for people to be like 'nah, actually this thing is cool. and im gonna spend of time and/or money on this thing cause i makes me happy;

like you remember when the new Star Wars movie trailers came out and that dude reacted to it and he was moved to tears and people made fun of him??

yeah fuck everyone else that dude knows whats up.

Like yes, openly cry to your faves. Fantasize deep meaningful daydreams that help you process your feelings. Draw your OC with them, or learn every single thing their is to know about them.

That's why I wanted to talk about this. Because I've never heard it spoken about before. Maladaptive daydreaming, yes - and that can be harmful. But I hardly ever hear people talk about the basic mundane experience of it - or even how it can enrich our lives and help us emotionally develop of neurodivergent people.

When I think of it that way, it's something that makes me happy. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it fully, and that's the point. Our stories are private to us, not because theyre embarrassing, but because they're so us that to even describe it would like describing a new world top to bottom

I love it. It's what makes humans humans.

[hauntedcheesecakewizard]

I got bored and used a Stardew oc maker today.

Behold. Gale

Loves: hot pepper, strawberry, amethyst, fried egg, and fried calamari.

Likes: quarts, orange, salmon, cheese, and sashimi.

Dislikes: cake (any kind), cookies, ice cream, eel, and clay.

Friends: Harvey - he provides her medicine and gives her advice on how to manage her sensory issues. You'll learn about what her meds are for in heart evens :3.

Sebastian - she likes loud music, helps block out everything else going on with her, even just for a moment. Will always let Seb info dump about frogs.

Sam - same as Seb. Loves the loud and talkative.

Emily - Crystal girlies. Gale knows crystals can't cure her, but shiny rocks make her feel happy. Emily, on the other hand, will try anything.

Alex - she has tried to fight his dad at one point. Didn't work. But the thought was there. Alex, even though he acts like a jerk and can underestimate Gale sometimes, does respect her trying to better herself slowly. It's a complicated friendship.

She struggles to eat sugary things due to sensory issues and how they affect her (hates the crash after a sugar rush). Spice, on the other hand, big yes.

"Why clay and eels as dislikes?" Texture (derogatory)

Is this a self insert? Maybe. Am I having fun? Yes, so your words are pointless here. I will be cringe, and no one is powerful enough to stop me. Weep and sob. I am thriving.

ulti on tiktok for more info. Go. Make oc's. Be free.

[dark-nimbus]

Welcome to the Void!

About Me

I’m Nimbus (they/them), but I’ll answer to any of my other names and users. I’m just a giant fuckin nerd with no idea how I ended up here. Also a broke sleep-deprived college student with raging ADHD but we vibin’ ✌🏽

Enby Panromantic/Demisexual (if you’re bothered by that statement this blog is not safe for you)

Polytheistic pagan witch

East Asian transracial adoptee (transracial as in adopted and raised by people of a different race)

Aspiring artist and writer

If it wasn’t already clear from the college student mention, I am indeed an adult. No age number because 1.) I don’t actually know it and 2.) people for whatever reason act creepier when I do put a number

General Blog Info

You know how some people have an art dump account? This is my nerd dump account. Enjoy this dumpster-fire of a blog lmao, I post what I please without rhyme or reason

Possible content you can expect to see:

ThePandaRedd memes

Nerdy fanart

Essay rants on nerd shit and mainstream media

Fics? Maybe? Eventually? Idk y’all are gonna need to request shit I already got my hands full with my own writing projects

Blog Warnings

I am. The most inconsistent bitch on this Earth. I’ll more often than not appear for a time then randomly dip. I promise I didn’t abandon this blog I just have ADHD 💀

While I’ll never go into sexually explicit content on this blog, I do talk about other controversial, mature, and potentially dark topics. I’ll always have content warnings at the top of those posts, but please be aware of your own triggers and mental health

Minors are welcome here, but keep the above note in mind and be respectful

DO NOT INTERACT IF YOU ARE:

Antisemitic

Racist

RCTA/ECTA (aka the racist/misappropriated kind of transracial)

Xenophobic

Zionist

Queerphobic (including transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, acephobia, etc)

A TERF

Sexist

Misogynistic

Fatphobic

A “MAP”

Pro-life/anti-choice

A trump supporter

Ableist

Anti-vaxx

Islamophobic

Antiziganic

Support cultural appropriation

Support AI

Publicly advocate for piracy

Tags

To be added

Notes About Rant Essays

I try to choose my topics based on what problems I notice and what I have a deep understanding of or affects me directly. If I myself don’t experience it I speak based on the communities I’ve surrounded myself with and my own in-depth research. That being said while I am many things, being omniscient and having every experience in the world is not one of them. If I speak on something directly relating to you that isn’t completely factually accurate or is offensive/insensitive to that community you’re a part of, please let me know. I have an ask box and my DMs are open, and I’m open to conversation and criticism as long as you’re respectful and have constructive intentions. I try to educate myself as best I can, but I am still human and still learning. However I will not accept any conversation that vehemently insists on defending anything or anyone listed in the DNI section above. There’s no excuse for bigotry, ever

Nerdy Interests

More will be added to this list as I remember them or find more interests. If you don’t see something but want to know if I enjoy or will make content regarding it, feel free to leave something in my ask box

Also: if there’s anything problematic about any authors or things listed, please let me know. I try to ensure what I enjoy has no negative content within or attached to it, but my awareness of such issues is nowhere near perfect

D&D

Critical Role

DC Comics

Batfamily

Mr. Miracle

Titans (not HBO)

Young Justice League

Marvel Comics

Cosplay

Video games

Assassin’s Creed

Skyrim

Overwatch

Until Dawn

Manga/Anime

Arslan Senki

Boku no Hero Academia

Shingeki no Kyojin

Studio Ghibli

Vinland Saga

Fullmetal Alchemist/FMA:B

Books/Authors

Ranger’s Apprentice

Adrienne Young

Margaret Rogerson

Ready Player One

Lord of the Rings

Not Even Bones

The Witcher

Webtoons

Purple Hyacinth

Subzero

Cape of Spirits

Reunion

Midnight Poppyland

Loving Reaper

Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell

Third Shift Society

Crumbs

Wolfsbane

Spell for a Smith

Movies

To be added

TV shows

Castlevania

Arcane

Avatar: the Last Airbender

Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts

[eureka-its-zico]

I'm at a loss for words after the newest chapter... Some gifs should sum up some of my feelings (essay after the gifs lol):

While I am writing this, I hope that I will manage to compose myself 😂 [I came to add this before sending this, and no, I in fact, did not compose myself by the end of this lol]

First of all, thank you for beefy chapters. I personally enjoy them, means I can read a lot more and experience more emotionally. However, please take care of yourself and don't push yourself to churn out big chapters if you don't feel like it. Any sort of update you come out with, know that I will enjoy it and cherish it with my whole heart ❤

Second of all, to reply to the last ask I sent... My fave character from BG3 was Karlach. Honestly, I somehow managed to romance Wyll and then immediately regretted it because Karlach is the best character in that game. My least favourite character was, is and will forever be Gale. I won't go into details because you will see it (if you haven't yet) 😂 And you mentioned Dragon Age and Mass Effect?? Excuse me? Those are like both in my top favourite games! Screaming here in excitement!!!! 😂

Onto this newest chapter... While I was prepared for angst. I was not prepared for ANGST! And while I set the mood with Halsey for the whole chapter, oh shit, my heart 😭 Also, Zoro, seriously? You are such an arse, istg.

Everything, from the first line until the cliffhanger at the end... I am amazed at how you write. It's not just good, it's AMAZING. Each chapter you come out with makes me feel things and believe me, that's hard for me.

[Personal info dump incoming]

Fanfics have been a huge part of my life during some of the darkest times of my life. It's been a safe place for me to go to. Find characters and stories where life is better, someone wants you just as much as you want them if not more. Where you experience those feelings of attraction, that sudden realisation of 'oh shit.' and what comes with it. The fear and excitement of liking someone, the feelings of hurt, disappointment when you miscommunicate or don't communicate enough...

I've been through quite a few awful things in my life in recent years and while I've been free from an extremely toxic person for over a year now, I still feel... broken. Like, I came out from a situation where at the end of it I could not recognise the person in the mirror that was looking back at me. It was bad. And while I am better, there's still this nagging feeling at the back of my head that what if... I won't ever find anyone irl. What if, I will spend the rest of my life by myself?

AND while being alone hasn't been bad and I have learned that my peace is worth A LOT, at the end of the day, it would be nice to share the weight of the world with someone else 🤷‍♀️

[End of personal info dump]

Reading your story. A story you have so much care for. It fills me with so many positive feelings and I cannot even begin to describe how happy I get with each new update and to see you interact with everyone who sends you a message. You are so lovely, I wish I could reach through my monitor and give you the biggest hug ❤

You have a lovely gift. Making people feel emotions with words. Not many people manage to call out to the deepest parts of them, to make them relate and feel with the characters that they are reading about. To experience what the characters feel. And to paint the scenes that it feels you are actually there (in this case, it feels like I watched some bootleg OPLA version because it did not have Doc and Doc needs to be there! Netflix, pls fix this! kthxbye).

Is it obvious that I've been on an emotional rollercoaster tonight? 😂

I am probably going to bite my nails from anticipation for the next chapter because that ending?? I did not see that coming! 😂 But I hope that this will be a good way for Doc to see more about Nami and for them to bond even more. I would love to see a Zoro POV because I want to see him stewing and beating himself up for being a gigantic ass 😤😤😤 I would also expect him to give shit to Doc for pulling this stunt once they do get reunited, but Doc can shut that shit down because the first words out of Zoro's mouth should be "I'm sorry. I've been an ass. I'm terrified. I did not mean what I said." 😂 And Doc blurting out how she feels and Zoro being cold?! That tore my heart out honestly.

Also, Sanji... I can see Doc and him being good friends. Especially since it will annoy the shit out of Zoro and that's fine by me, because he was a dick to Doc 😂 Though also, they already have a good dynamic going for them that will make them good friends (bonding over Zeff/Naan in the previous chapter). Also, Doc doesn't care about his flirting and that is hilarious to me haha

Wow, it's an essay. Again 😂 I apologise, please let me know if you'd prefer that I don't send in essays into your ask? I get carried away because there's so many things that I feel and I just... rant 😂 There's a lot to comment about and I struggle with summing up my thoughts and feelings?! I apologise!

It was a lovely and emotional update and I am looking forward to what next is in store for Doc and the rest of the Straw Hats! ❤ Thank you for sharing your writing, Jenn. I hope you had a lovely weekend and your next week is going to be lovely, great and amazing! Also, 2 weeks until you graduate?! Congratulations!!

-- Your sappy, essay writing, emotional cheesy ❤

Osiyo, Cheesy Darling!!

Disclaimer: I'm going to add a continue reading cut because this is big and beefy and my reply will be equally big and beefy lol.

When it comes to big beefy chapters, it is a habit of mine. I have to like, teach myself to write less in chapters lol but then I HATE is because I feel like I didn't get to explain something the way it should have been explained or a scene between characters doesn't get the attention it deserves. My chapters end up being so long because I am desperately trying to make sure that the scenes, I'm writing all flow together perfectly but then I see it say 15-20k words and I panic lol. Realistically, when you read chapters in books they are at least 10k or more words per chapter. Right? Right??

KARLACH! I love her she is so sweet and cuddly with all her hell fire. Okay. Look. I had to restart Baldur's Gate because I found out I missed Gale and I cannot - CANNOT - function knowing I missed a party member and won't be able to decide if I want to fight them, fuck them, or marry them all on my own lol. It's funny you say he is your least fav and I'm like...the gith chick is currently the one I dislike the most because she is so ugly AND FOR WHAT?? FOR WHAT MA'AM?!?! And YESSSSSS!! Omg Mass Effect and Dragon Age are my favorite series of all time. The story Bioware told with Commander Shephard, my god, is the reason I think I write the way I do. Or part of the reason. The way they built up that world in three incredible games and even made sure in the 3rd to bring every small detail and side mission into the last game to give closure. That is fantastic writing. It's what made me want to write stories just as intricate and infuriating, because that ending....god Commander Shephard deserved BETTER. I will never shut up about this. Does it make sense?? Yes. Do I gotta like it? Hell no.

Thank you so much for being so nice. I struggled a lot with this chapter. I kept feeling like I was falling short or messing something up. So, I would have to get up and work through the dialogue and the scene through my head and when I just genuinely couldn't get over it, I forced myself to continue forward, or I would've deleted it.

[ On to your personal info dump ]: I am so incredibly sorry that you even went through that and had to experience it. Unfortunately, I know all too well what it feels like to experience the same exact thing. So, I am beyond happy that you are safe. You are out and you are learning that the peace of being alone is such an underrated joy, imo. I know it is not necessarily the same as what you meant, but if you want to share anything that weighs on you or just want to have friendly conversation when needed, I am always here for you.

You are so kind to me in telling Netflix to add in Doc lol I would literally die. It is a nice daydream to have to consider that a character created out of love for Oda sensei's vision, in all forms, would be considered. I always do my best to make sure when I speak to anyone who sends me a message or an ask that it is with kindness and gratitude. You all come and speak to me about my work and how it is something you enjoy, that it helps them, and all the while you are all helping me too. There isn't enough I could say to thank you for always being so kind. For sending me these amazingly long reviews and comments, because they are absolutely my favorite. I do not take these for granted.

I know everyone is hating on Zoro right now (for absolutely good reason) and it's funny but while I wrote him I just knew he had to do it. He's this 19-year-old petty pain in the ass who never considered having a relationship outside of his swords. He meets girl and instead of her being like everyone else, they ZING. Neither of them can explain it or understand it but they don't have to. The universe is funny like that sometimes.

Sanji and Doc are about to give Zoro a fuckin' run for his money and he is just going to have to grin and bear it because he has no choice. While he is equally gonna be pissed, she up and did something so stupid he is forgetting Doc is still equally pissed at how he reacted to her. Two idiots fighting over who is the pettiest. Always.

I do not mind your long replies or asks! These are some of my favorites and I have so much fun discussing things with you! The fact you also love Mass Effect and Dragon Age?? I AM ALIVE AND BURNING! Thank you for always being so lovely and so incredibly sweet. I hope your Monday is treating you kindly and not like an actual Monday, cause Monday's are gross lol. Much love.

[bluemoon-critter]

Hey there, Delilah

Hello! I decided to make a MTaS sideblog because it has been consuming my life lately, even though I have a million other things to do and cozy games to play. When I first started playing, I thought I might romance Grace or Owen, but then Unsuur hit me like a rock (ha, get it) on the side of the head and Delilah was doomed. Who wrote his lines? I want to buy you coffee forever and also give you an award. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a character this much in a game. Anyway, this is a very basic idea of Lilah and some of her info. I'll make her a pretty profile when I have time, I promise <3

Name: Delilah, but friends often call her Lilah Age: 25 Bday: Autumn 17 Height: 170cm - Always in motion, in one way or another. Her family background is surprisingly similar to Mi-An's and she wonders if this is a builder-family thing.

Romance Interest: Unsuur

Best Friends in town: Owen and Grace, shortly followed by Qi, Fang, Arvio and Mi-An, and surprisingly, Ernest.

Rocky and Krystal basically adopt her as an older daughter to pebbles shortly after she arrives. She dotes over Pebbles and is always spending half her time at the salvage co anyway. She doesn't necessarily have a short fuse, but Krystal recognized a "you don't want to see me angry" energy she was familiar with beneath all that sugar.

She uses a special dye for her hair that she developed with Nia when they were in school together using a combination of ground Lapis Lazuli and lavender flowers. She likes gemstones in general and got to know a lot about them since she and Nia took an elective in mineralogy that ended up in this project.

She will talk very fast when she is getting excited, and can often trip over some of her words.

Fiercely overprotective, and not afraid to get into trouble.

Actually more likely than not to get into trouble, because authority and orders just do not work well for her.

Sleep, who?

Loves animals and will always take time to have a short chat/pet with all the ones in town. Her horse, Cinder, is her treasure here in Sandrock.

Is not afraid to put Yan in his place from the moment she gets to town- if he tries to bully Mi-An especially. She generally picks up any litter she comes across, but if its in front of the commerce guild she will give him a piece of her mind. Or maybe, gather all of it until she has two bucketfuls she can dump on his desk next time she's in.

She's at the saloon almost every night, unless she is still out collecting materials until late. She's not always talking to people, but the background noise of voices calms her down.

Her Pa is part of the Corps in Highwind and made sure she had training in combat from when she was little. It also helped redirect her endless energy into something less destructive than tearing down the house to put it back together again.

When she arrived in Sandrock she could cook a grand total of 3 dishes and she would have been fine living like this if Owen hadn't insisted she join in with Grace's lessons, for the love of Peach. (she learns faster than Grace, thankfully)

She likes to visit Zeke and help him in the moisture farm alongside Mi-An.

She thought Pen might be a fun person to befriend when she first got here, but she got tired of him SO quickly once she realized the narcissism wasn't an act or joke, and saw how often he bullied others in town.

I dunno, pls feel free to ask anything :) I might throw some drabbles with her here and more doodles as they come.

[bywandandsword]

As a TA:

Please come to office hours. Please. Your TA's or the professor's. You're not bothering us, we won't get annoyed, these time periods are set aside specifically to meet with students. We have them every semester and hardly anyone ever uses them. If you can't make it to the set office hours, email your prof or TA to set up a meeting at another time. If you just have a quick question, feel free to come up to your prof or TA before or after class. We don't bite or think you're stupid for having a question, we get that you're learning. Any prof who's not an ass will be happy to talk to you

If you do have a prof who's an ass, if you're able, dump their class as soon as you can cause you do not need that shit in your life on top of everything

If your prof specializes in something in their field, feel free to ask questions about it. All the profs I've worked for are huge nerds that love nothing more than excitedly info-dumping about the thing they're passionate about, and most have really interesting stories

Your profs might say "fuck" or other swears in the course of their lectures. Don't clutch your pearls about it or threaten to email our bosses, cause we'll just laugh at you (as me how I know)

Again, refer to the syllabus about dates and times, it's probably in there

I'd recommend checking your student email daily. It's the primary way profs communicate with students outside of lectures, and checking it before classes will save you time if there's a class cancellation or school is closed for weather or something

You don't HAVE to join an extra curricular, but I do encourage it, even if you only go sporadically. Bro, having a social network after you leave high school can be difficult, and sometimes the only times I socialize with other people outside of work is when I go to birding club. If nothing else, it'll give you a nice, regular brain break from your school work

Actual good first-time college student advice:

Wear jeans/pants that “breathe” and bring a sweater, even if it’s scorching hot out, until you know which building blasts the AC to 60 degrees F and which feels like a sauna

Backpacks with thick straps are your friend!  Messenger bags are cool and all but if you’re commuting with a lot of stuff, symmetrically styled backpacks are better for your back

You are your own person and you can walk out whenever you need to or want to, so long as you’re not disrupting the class.  Meaning you can go to the bathroom without permission, take a breather if you’re anxious, answer an important phone call, etc.

If you don’t like the class on the first day, if you can- DROP THAT CLASS AND TAKE ANOTHER ONE!  It’ll only get worse from there!

If you can, take a class outside your major; it’s a good break from your expected studies.

You are in charge of your schedule.  Your adviser and guidance counselor is there to ‘advise and guide’ but if you don’t like certain classes and you can substitute for others, that’s your choice.

Consequently, if you are changing anything drastic in your plan, talk with your adviser and instructors.

Pay attention to your credit hours and grades.  Never leave this to the last week of school, you will be sorry and stressed beyond belief!

Unless it’s a lab book or otherwise specified, go to the class for a week or so before buying an expensive textbook.  Some classes, while having it on their required list, do not actually use the textbook a whole lot and you might find some of it scanned online.  Rent if you can or buy used online (schools actually don’t give discounts).  Use your best judgement on what you think you need.

Tell the people who go up to you selling or advertising things you are not interested in that you are in a rush to class and don’t have time to listen to them.  It’s less rude and they’ll leave you alone.

The smaller the class, the better it is to have some sort of acquaintanceship with a couple classmates.  They might save your ass if you are absent one day or need to study.  And talking with them makes the time go by faster without it being so insufferable.

You don’t need to join a club or sport, but internships are cool and useful!

If you can afford it, take a day off once or twice each semester if you’re too exhausted.  Just be aware of what you missed and if it was worth missing!

Your health is the most important, this goes for mental health too!!  Note: College-age/upper teens is when mental disorders like depression and anxiety are most commonly diagnosed.  Most schools have therapy services, especially during exam time.  Look into it if you need to!

Communicate with your professor if you are having trouble with something.  Anything.

Eat and stay hydrated.  Bring a water bottle and snack to class.

All-nighters will happen but never go over 36 hours without sleep.

It’s going to be hard and there will be times you might think about giving up.  This WILL happen.  You just have to make sure what you’re doing isn’t making you absolutely miserable and/or there is something rewarding and positive to look forward to at the end!

[lord-of-the-weird]

Hello it is SRS once again wahoo baby!❄️☃️ sorry in advance for long ask just so many thoughts! Feel free to just answer one or two questions if u want :)

Armadillos in the backyard! That’s wild idk if I’ve ever seen one in person. Do they really curl up in balls inside their shell or is that a myth from childhood?

AHHH I am SO happy to hear you enjoyed some of the Beatles songs! That genuinely made my day :) I would also love some song recs!!! What have you listened to in the past year that you’d recommend? And yea I’m pretty much just a rock listener lmao but for sure d looking to expand my taste!!

Thank you! Yes my Hanukkah has been excellent. It’s one of my very favorite holidays! Ok mini explanation of Hanukkah: the story is basically, “The Greeks tried to kill us but we beat them instead yay!! However they totally also trashed our temple and only left one jar of oil :( BUT WAIT the menorah we lit magically stayed lit for 8 days on barely any oil omg!” There are a ton of traditions incorporated into the holiday, like lighting candles for 8 days (one more each night) and eating foods fried in oil. Much fun!

Ooh that sounds fun! What Christmas traditions do you have? my friend who celebrates Christmas recently asked me as a Jew to try and explain what I thought the Christmas story was and the results were so amusing.

Wait that’s so cool that you’ve started crocheting! I feel like everyone I know has just taken that up. I don’t have a specific project in mind but I’d love to make some kind of shirt or sweater for myself? My roommate is an excellent knitter so I’ll be drawing on her advice frequently lol. What are you crocheting??

Ok I like cannot make myself read nonfiction (unless it’s about classic rock lmao, but even then just barely). I really love mysteries and magical realism! My favorite author is Haruki Murakami (basic I’m sorry). ALSO favorite animal is dogs and favorite Beatle is John (I could rant about his genius for hours). OK FAREWELL MUCH LOVE -SRS

hiya babe!

and YES ARMADILLOS CAN CURL UP! just not the ones where i live😭 there’s only two species that can curl into a ball the brazilian three banded and southern three banded armadillo the former is a lazarus species! (wrongly thought to be extinct) sorry i will take any and every excuse to info dump about animals😁

let’s see i think the three top bands that i’ve listened to most of this year are måneskin, foo fighters and the bee gees! here are a few of my favorites please do not feel any pressure to listen to them!

måneskin:

TIMEZONE

THE LONELIEST

Coraline

they’re semi new a band from Italy and good portion of their songs are in Italian and they have a really good rock sound!

foo fighters:

the sky is a neighborhood

run

waiting on a war

i know they’re pretty popular but i’ll give you a little information because a lot of people don’t seem to actually know much more than just their hits :( their lead singer Dave Grohl was nirvana‘s drummer! I highly recommend his book ‘the storyteller’ especially the audio version of him narrating it on youtube! Plus Dave and Taylor Hawkins’ (former friend drummer until his untimely death last year) had such a wonderful friendship! i love watching videos of them together♥️🥺

bee gees:

how deep is your love (easily my most played 45!)

how can you mend a broken heart

tragedy

honestly how they still continue making music after the death of disco is such an amazing an interesting story! in short a DJ named Steve Dahl started a riot after destroying a dumpster of disco records in the middle of a baseball game in ‘79 which kick started the death of disco after that no one would play Bee Gees music because they were “too disco” so instead they wrote songs for and with other singers so they could continue doing what they loved!

sooooo sorry for the info dump😅

aaaaaaaa! so glad you had a great holiday! i am semi familiar with that story but seeing as i learned it from tv i wasn’t sure how accurate it was😅 thank you so much for telling my about it!!!

well my family puts up a real christmas tree, decorate gingerbread houses and we put lights on the house! among other things like christmas breakfast and exchanging gifts on the 25th + opening christmas pajamas on the 24th!

oh my😂 i’m sure christmas could be quite confusing for someone who didn’t grow up with it especially since the way most people celebrate christmas is a combination of celebrations many cultures!

a shirt and/or sweater would be so cool! and having someone who already knows how to work with fiber projects i’m sure would help greatly! i wish you all the luck and i’d love you hear about your progress when you start! i’m *trying* to make a possum :)

omg i completely understand about the nonfiction thing glad i’m not the only one!😅 magical mystery realism sounds so cool! actually i’m not sure that i heard of that author i’ll have to look them up!

oooooh dogs!!!! do you have a favorite breed? and feel free to rant about john or music in general anytime!!!!

do you watch movies much if so do you have a favorite one? or tv show? and do you collect anything?