#and i live to tempt you and make you suffer soooo

[talkethtothehandeth]

I can’t tell you how fucking lucky I got with my eds diagnosis, they found it when I was a literal baby, I had 3 hip surgeries included with one (1) cadaver bone graft because my hips said “fuck you AND your mother, I’m not forming properly OR staying in place” and that was that, I had the diagnosis that caused my hip displasia, I was the reason my family was diagnosed. (I’m kind of special, or whatever)

But with all the other shit??? Just suffering, no answers, left to die (/hj) and it’s making me think of the people who have gotten diagnosed with eds later on in their lives, far later than what I had to wait

I hear so many people with diagnosed/undiagnosed eds who are going through what I’m going through with my other conditions— medical neglect, medical gaslighting, being told it’s all in their heads, that they need to lose weight or go to therapy or this or that

Please, I know how exhausting and tempting it is but do not give up on yourself, please keep fighting for you, please keep fighting for your body— even if you HATE your disabled body that does or doesn’t have an official diagnosis, please please please just keep fighting for you and for it because it is the one body you have, no matter how you feel towards it, and your body deserves care

I don’t have answers still, my health is not much better than it has been, i dont post about it on here much or at all, but I know people around me are waiting for me to get worse again, myself included, because I still don’t have help.

I still have soooo many more appointments to go to with new providers(!!) and this year, because of everything I went through in 2022, I had to take a break. I didn’t have any doctor appointments until the 1st of June and it was my final one with that pcp bc she refused to treat me and offer aids that would genuinely help get me back to where I need to be

Even if you need a break, even if you’re not resilient and you’re broken and scared and angry, if you’re weak and feeling miserable and the lowest you’ve ever felt about your health, keep going and researching and talking to people in support groups, and find what works for you in the mean time

Your health is worth it, you, my friend, are worth it. Don’t give up on yourself, Judy Huemann is cheering you on from the side lines

[attackedastoria]

I have too many feelings

So like, it's bad enough that I'm completely fucking traumatized from my mother having a psychotic break and physically assaulting me multiple times. I spent an entire week monitoring her with barely sleeping because I was honestly terrified of her. And guess what!! I was right to be, because I found MULTIPLE KNIVES hidden in her room she was probably planning to use because I wouldn't let her leave the house! So yes, I am STILL fucking traumatized by that, and no amount of "Oh its just the disease it wasn't really her" IS NOT GOING TO FIX THAT. christ, I still wake up in a cold sweat panicking because I hear a noise that sounds like floorboards creaking, thinking its her. So no, I'm not fucking over it, and no, I don't really wanna go see her in the fucking psychiatric hospital yet. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that my mother, my best friend, is essentially dead and some psychotic stranger is wearing her skin. Forgive me if I'm a little fucking fucked up about it.

Oh, but that's not all! Two days after mom is taken away, I get to be informed that my family is selling the house asap, because of course, they failed to get her proper insurance coverage despite assuring me it was all handled. So now they're freaking out about the cost, and they want me out ASAP. Because I have soooo much money to make that happen in the middle of January. Its not like I haven't been able to work properly for 2 years due to taking care of my stepfather, and then my mother. Apparently I'm supposed to just pull housing and money out of my asshole for that! And it's all my fault for not planning properly, you know, when I was under the impression her disease was still being managed well and she had another few years before any worse progression. I should have somehow gotten a job while also looking after her 24/7. Yup.

Also, fuck whatever is going on with my mental health that makes me struggle the entire past year, I'm totally not suffering caretaker burnout, yelling at me is definitely the best motivating course of action.

Luckily, I have a Saint for a best friend willing to give me shelter, but its across the country, so it's going to take some time to plan the move and you know, find a fucking place to live. But oh no, that's not acceptable! You need to be gone ASAP! Also, while you're struggling with your personal housing and mental crisis, please work 12hrs a day packing and cleaning the house so we can put it on the market asap! WORK FASTER YOU LAZY CUNT YOURE NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH, ITS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO!! God. I've been tempted to really fuck them over by claiming tenants rights so I have longer to prepare, but I know they'd just completely shut me off from moms money which I need right now.

I know they can't wait to get rid of me and never see me again(and honestly, same at this point), but I just... I'm so fucking exhausted. Mental, emotionally, physically. I've had zero time or room to grieve. My entire life is being uprooted with zero preparation or warning. I have to rehome our dog because no one in the family can take him. I'm also sick now with some kind of hell cold. I just... I've contemplated killing myself so many times the past few weeks, because what's the point? I'm tired of being in constant despair. I'm tired of being angry. I'm just fucking TIRED.

Fuck. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.

[residuex]

@cxrleonis

"Okay, so,” Ethan handed her a bottle of water as he joined her on the blanket she’d placed over the ground. It’d been a couple of days since he’d walked in on her crying, and though he was still concerned he would not ask for information she wasn’t ready to share. So, instead, he’d brought her to his favorite park and spot to look up at the sky with his telescope. “It’s still a little early to go looking for stars, but I thought it’d be a fun thing to do today. I know, I know, kind of nerdy, but...yeah, that’s me.”

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

ive been spending way too much time on terf blogs the past few days and this thing i saw has been living in my head rent free like

(Image description: @/fakeboitherottengirl writes, "You learn to chase gender like you learn to chase any other drug. You chase gender euphoria like an anorexic chasing her skeleton. The next piece of clothing, the next haircut, the next injection, the next operation, THATS the thing you need to be happy. After this next binder or HRT or boob job or dress or tube of makeup your body will finally feel "right". And by the time you've eliminated all the things that could be "wrong", when no hair is left out of place and and you "pass" you realize you are still yourself with all the same pain you've been running from getting closer every day. And suddenly there's nowhere left to run. Your hair can't get any shorter. Your chin can't get any smoother. No shade of lipstick fills the void it once promised to. Capitalism lied to you and is actively profiting off of your gender dysphoria/euphoria. Dysphoric people deserve better than the capitalist "solution" of transition." End image description.)

There's so much wrong with this where do I start. (Soooo tempted to just throw out the whole suitcase but I think there's maybe half a thought in there worth keeping. So here goes)

All of the procedures you've listed above are things cis people do as well. Buy makeup and have boob jobs and get laser hair removal, buy gender-affirming (or gender nonconformity-affirming) clothing and jewellery. Yet somehow it's only bad when trans people do it? Capitalism leaves hollow voids of suffering in all of us. How we fill it is each of our own choice, and all of the things mentioned above are morally neutral. Including drug addiction and even eating disorders, because we believe in a thing called bodily autonomy. heard of it?

The capitalist solution of transitioning: Okay yes lots of trans people spend money on transitioning. A lot of cis people also spend money on gender-affirming clothes, accessories and surgeries. Capitalism has a solution for everything. It's true. BUT: not everyone's transition involves a lot of money, and most trans people are poor af. We cut our own (or each others) hair, get clothes from free clothes swaps and use other forms of mutual aid. Changing your name and pronouns is free! And yes we have to exist under capitalism, great observation sherlock. anything else?

And what, exactly, is a better solution for dysphoric people? Since you acknowledge they exist. Is it to live with their pain forever? I mean, you radfemmy types take enormous pride in suffering and make suffering the very core of your ideology so I can't say I'm surprised. Tell Me, has your suffering enlightened you? Do you know things no one else does? Did you find the light. And why am I reminded of tradcath imagery where you have to suffer to make up for being born, until you die... is this the kind of imagery you strive to invoke? Is your suffering the yoke you toil under forever, to make up for the wrongness in your soul and the void in your heart. Do we all need to find Jesus? Tell Me? (or please maybe just help us dismantle capitalism. yes it wants to sell you solutions to problems that didn't exist until capitalism told you you had them!! yes it hurts everyone!! we agree on this!!)

tldr suffering is great and if you embrace it you won't have to participate in capitalism anymore. but it's fine to participate in capitalism actually, as long as you're being nice and cis about it i guess. womanhood is only suffering and manhood is only violence and there is no room for genuine joy in the human experience. this is what you're telling me yes? okay. cool. okay

anyway I've found so much love and peace from being trans, not really from changing my body (which I BARELY have and still don't really know if I will) but from being part of loving, accepting, truly radical communities. Going from being othered to being part of the othereds. Community is the true value of the queers. Probably you radfems would agree about your own!! You love your communities and want to keep them safe!! See, us too. And we don't have to fight each other to keep ourselves safe. In fact fighting makes all of us less safe! None of us want that.

Anyway it's so difficult to have nuanced (or any) conversations about these things and i appreciate you taking the time to read this. and as much as I understand that my "why can't we all get along uwu 🥺" thing is naive and idealistic, I would much prefer to be naive, idealistic and hopeful, than full of distress and fear and despair at the state of the world - and the state of feminist, body neutral and autonomy affirming activism. (A despair we share, I assure you! Being hopeful anyway is an active choice.)

Hope is hard. It is! I have a lot of practice cultivating mine and it still doesn't come easy. The first step is believing you can have hope, and that things can get better. The next step is to find out what you, personally, can do to actively make things better for people around you. Start hyper-local, log off from the internet for a lil while, consult older activists around you. Millions of people doing tiny things will add up to bigger changes, and you have to believe change is possible. You have to. Otherwise you will get too content in your own misery and stop growing as a person and stop actually making the world better.

"You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time." ― Angela Davis

Anyway, one thing that doesn't help is trying to take away people's bodily autonomy. Whether that's restricting access to abortion, or access to transition, or access to cosmetic surgery, or ability to do sex work, or kink. Just cus you personally think any/all of these are oppressive and evil, doesn't mean you get to make choices for other people on how to live their lives.

Bodily autonomy.

If you're against abortions, don't get one.

If you're against transition, don't get one.

If you're against kink, don't do it.

Some people don't get a choice, such as victims of sex trafficking or Hershel Walker's mistresses when he arranges their abortions. But that doesn't mean you should take the choice away from everyone.

[texanredrose]

Soooo, lots of interesting ones in there, but Long Term Investment... Fae-Yang?? :eyes:

Fae Yang who really isn't good at this whole Fae magic thing.

Yang watched as the woman knelt before her, head bowed. A human desperate for a solution had come to her part of the woods, begged of her a boon, and accepted her price; every now and again, someone would come and ask for something fantastic, but this was the first time someone had actually accepted her terms straight away. Yang… hadn’t decided how she felt about it quite yet.

“Deal,” she said, head still bowed and voice somber. “You have my word.”

“Okay,” she replied, catching the casual tone and correcting herself while clearing her throat. Raven had drummed it into her head for years that the fae had a certain air about them that they had to maintain. “Very well. When you return home tonight, your mother will be in pristine health again. It will be like she never fell ill at all. Even the memory of her suffering will fade.”

“Thank you.” The woman looked up then, peerless blue eyes peering at her through white bangs that fell across the right side of her face. “Perhaps now, things can truly change.” She got to her feet, slightly taller than the fae in her polished boots. “With my mother capable of retaking the crown, our kingdom has hope again.”

“I just hope the price won’t prove to be too high.” She always hated that part. Mages could use magic without any stipulations but the fae had to be paid. Even now, she could feel a thread as a bit of her innate magic worked its way to the woman’s mother, ready to begin healing her and it would continue to prolong the woman’s life until the price was paid. Then… well, some fae revoked all their magic, and whatever calamity they were asked to do or undo would flow like a river with its dam removed. Yang never liked that; it didn’t make sense to her. It seemed… rude and petty. “I guess we just have to wait and see.”

“Indeed.” A few moments passed in silence, the two of them just… staring at each other. “So… when do we begin?”

“Begin?” Yang rose a brow, confused. “Begin what?”

“You said you wanted my firstborn as payment.”

“Yeah.” She nodded slowly. “And… you agreed to that.”

“Of course. Now, when do we start?” The woman looked around, a small frown touching her lips. “I’ll admit, this isn’t the most erotic location but I suppose it will do.”

First, Yang considered why the inherent eroticism of her woodland home- not much, really, just a hollowed out burrow beneath an old tree, the entrance between two twisted roots- would be a topic for conversation warranting a comment.

Then, the pieces clicked into place.

“I… wait.” She blinked, trying to get a handle on what was going on while waving her hands in front of her. “Do you think- me and you- are you saying- what are you trying to say, here?”

“Well, you want a child, so I assume-”

“I don’t want a child, first off-”

The woman’s expression pinched into one of annoyance. “Then why make that your price?”

“Because it’s tradition!” She took a few steps back, trying to put a bit of distance between them. In the dark of early evening, she almost wished she didn’t have bright blonde locks cascading down her back; it would make disappearing into the shadows slightly more feasible. “Look, I don’t even like asking for something in return, okay? We just- we have to, it’s how fae magic works! I’ve always been told that asking for the firstborn is the, uh… like… default option. Then, most people, ya know, haggle.”

The human seemed genuinely perplexed for a moment before her expression turned thoughtful. “I see… well… if I’m honest, I’m not sure if I’ve made the right decision in that case. Giving a child to someone who doesn’t want one… I can’t imagine the child will be well taken care of by that person.”

Yang bristled at that, tempted to close the distance as her hands balled into fists at her sides. “Hey, don’t jump to conclusions! I basically raised my sister; I don’t mind having a kid or taking care of one.” At that point, she became aware of the flush to her cheeks becoming even hotter. “I’m just- I’m not going to just sleep with you to satisfy the terms of the deal, okay?”

For a moment, the woman seemed genuinely surprised. “Are you saying I have to woo you first?”

“What? How did- where are you drawing these conclusions from!?” The human moved back, likely reacting to her fae heritage shining through; without looking, she could tell her outburst of anger had turned her eyes from soft lilac to burning red as her hair began moving like a wildfire.

“I didn’t mean to insult you; I just don’t have many prospects and I imagine you’d rather have this debt settled sooner as opposed to later.”

Despite the anger still rolling through her, she could at least show genuine surprise at that statement. “How can someone like you not have any prospects?”

While the woman didn’t possess the supernatural beauty of the fae, she was attractive by human standards. Hair like moonlight, eyes like a frozen lake, tall and rigid and a bit too formal with sharp features and a smooth gait- Yang had seen many half as fair find partners without trouble, and humans always prized beauty, even when they claimed to be immune to its charms. She shouldn’t have any trouble finding a partner.

Yet, the wry smile on her lips begged to differ. “Let’s just say, those who are interested have all the wrong reasons.” Then, she looked around. “Are you confined to this area of the woods?”

“I… guess.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Yang leaned back against her home, watching the woman carefully. Raven had warned her that humans would sometimes try to outsmart the fae once a deal had been struck. As long as whatever trick she planned to pull didn’t harm Yang or her harm, she rightly wouldn’t care if the woman somehow found a loophole. “This is where I live and I’m not supposed to leave my home unattended.”

“I see.” A hum. “I must return home before my mother will be healed, correct?”

“Yeah. That’s part of the deal.”

“Do I have to stay home for her to be healthy?”

“N-no.”

A nod and a glance towards the sky above, obscured by the leaves of the tree, before she spoke. “Then, I must take my leave.” The woman drew herself to her full height and bowed at the waist, her hand over her heart. “Good evening, Miss Sunbeam of the fae, and farewell.”

“Yeah, take care... Princess.” She hated not knowing the woman’s name but names were powerful things to the fae. Humans were long warned not to impart such sensitive information to her kind. It was a wise decision but it just highlighted the inherent tragedy in her birthright. Rather that leave it at just the title, though, Yang decided to assign a fitting name, as she usually did. “Moonlight.” The woman stopped, looking back with a raised brow. “Uh… sorry. About the miscommunication. I didn’t mean to make you think that, uh, you had to sleep with me.”

A surprisingly soft smile. “Nothing to worry about, Miss Sunbeam. It wasn’t what I would call a threat.”

As the woman left the small clearing in front of her home, the fae found herself conflicted about the whole ordeal. She was happy the woman’s mother would recover… but now she wondered what she’d do when her payment came due. Not that she wouldn’t take care of the child, of course; she didn’t know how she’d handle taking the child from someone.

It scratched at a wound not yet healed and she instead turned her train of thought away from it and retreated to her burrow.

[wayward-pendragon]

Iwaoi fic rec

So since quarantine started I’ve literally watched Haikyuu like three times oops. Honestly if u haven’t watched it yet, I highly recommend. Anyway, Iwaoi is one of my fav ships so I figured I’d make a fic rec so y’all will have some good reading to enjoy in this time of distance :))

All of these are complete and on ao3. I tend to like the longer or chaptered fics so most of these are like that but a few shorter one shot pieces are listed as well! 

The PDA Jar by Poteto 

Summary: “What is that thing for?”

“I’m glad you asked, captain. This… is the Public Display of Affection jar. Or PDA jar for short.”

“Now whenever you do something that may hurt our children’s innocence, you’ll have to put money in the jar as a punishment."

One of my first Iwaoi fics and its super sweet and fluffy. I love how Iwa and Oikawa come to realize their feelings it’s just really really cute. 

Press '1' to Get a Call From Your Drunk Best Friend by UmbrellaMartialGod

Summary: Press '2' to hear him talk about you for thirty minutes, press '3' for him to compliment your ass, and press '4' for more options.

This is a short and sweet fic where Iwaizumi basically confesses his feelings for Oikawa when he’s drunk af. Super cute and funny. 

to be first, to be best by kittebasu (chanyeol)

Summary: Hajime is apparently something of a masochist, and as he stares down at the tie-dyed AREA51 T-shirt in his hands, he thinks “I’m totally in love with this asshole, aren't I?”

This is hands down one of my fav Iwaoi fics ever. It feels so realistic to their relationship on the show and it so fluffy but also some angst ugh its just so cute. Basically Oikawa moves in w/ Iwa after he blows up his kitchen and things go from there. 

When You Wish Upon a Star by emerald1963

Summary: Hajime has no idea how this situation is even possible, but he’s one hundred percent certain that it’s all Oikawa’s fault. Oikawa blames the aliens.

The Iwaoi body swap fic that this fandom needs, if not the one it deserves.

The Iwaoi body swap AU. Its absolutely adorable as they try and navigate living in each other’s bodies and how they come to understand each other’s feelings just ugh so good. 

Kotov Syndrome by valiantarmor

Summary: Corruption is brewing in Seijou's police force. Oikawa Tooru, the captain of Special Investigations, is put onto a case where he cannot afford to fail.But despite his best efforts, not everything goes according to plan.

A standalone fic in the buddycop AU series; reading the others isn't necessary if you'd just like to read this one!

Iwaoi as cops oooo boy. Honestly funny and adorable as you get to see their relationship but also suspenseful and has a great plot. This is a long one too so be prepared to get hooked. The rest of the series is also freaking awesome so I highly recommend reading all of them. 

i’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you by baekuugo (insxouts)

Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime is a single father trying to raise a teenager (or three) on his own. He thinks he does pretty okay and things are going great until he meets the Oikawa Tooru (who isn't as great as people think he is, if you ask Iwaizumi) and his life takes a turn for the best worst.

I really love the single parent AU and the author does a really good job of balancing the family relationship and Iwaoi. I just really love this one and its so wholesome but if i remember correctly there’s some angst too, I highly recommend reading. 

dyspnea/arrhythmia by carafin

Summary: In which Iwaizumi Hajime is a junior doctor suffering through his medical rotation, and Dr. Oikawa Tooru is his insufferable mentor. Medical AU.

This fic omgggg. Both Iwa and Oikawa are doctors and ofc oikawa is terrifyingly good. Basically you get so their relationship change as they get closer from working together and supporting each other. A really good read!!

you’re looking like you fell in love tonight by anyadisee

Summary: “So, let me see if I understood this correctly,” Hajime says, slow and careful like he’s still waiting for some kind of punchline. 

“You want me to help Oikawa Tooru, a guy I barely know, because your boyfriend owes him a favor?”

“And you owe me a favor,” Hanamaki adds helpfully.

“That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“Sure it does.” Hanamaki’s smile widens. “Issei and I are practically the same person by now, anyway, so whatever favor you owe me, you also owe him. And by repaying me, you are repaying him, and in turn he is repaying Oikawa. Think of it as, like, the transitive property of equality. A equals B equals C. A equals C.”

“I know what the transitive property of equality is,” Hajime snaps.

[in which iwaizumi pretends to be oikawa's boyfriend.]

One of my fav Iwaoi fics holyyyyyyy. They start off as just acquaintances and then my weakness, the fake dating AU comes in and omggggg its soooo good. Less angst than many other fake dating fics which was a nice change of pace. 

darlin’, your head’s not right by aruariandance

Summary: “Our wedding,” Oikawa says by way of explanation, tapping his finger against his magazine more emphatically. “What colors should we use? Color scheme is important, apparently.”

Iwaizumi feels his lifespan shortening.

“I was thinking our Aoba johsai colors to go for more, you know, softer tones? Besides, I’ve always looked great in that sea foam green color. Oh, and I guess you look decent in it, too.” He grins, saccharine sweet, and Iwaizumi has never been so tempted to knock one of his perfect pearly white teeth right out of his stupid mouth."

or,

Oikawa teases Iwaizumi about a childhood promise he made to marry him when they were older, except suddenly it's not really a joke at all.

This is such a sweet getting together fic omgg. Basically follows them living in Tokyo and going to uni and omgg its so freaking sweet plz read. 

the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle by kittebasu (chanyeol)  

Summary: Tooru is pretty sure he could manage the mating habits of a mosquito. It’s the mating habits of people he can’t seem to get right.

Basically Oikawa has to give up volleyball and becomes a professor but Iwa continues volleyball and the two have drifted apart and their friendship has weakened. THIS IS SO GOOD. This is a long one but man did I fly through it, the author is fantastic!! If you love Iwaoi give this a read. 

Well that’s it for this list but it’s just a few to get ya started! If y’all want more I would be happy to provide, I have way too many bookmarks on ao3. Let me know if you read of these or have anymore Iwaoi recs for me!! Happy reading and stay safe everyone :)))

[guinevere-beck-fanboy]

Another OUAT Rant

So I thought the way I put my previous OUAT rant could have been improved, so I’m rewriting it here, also with more info and more rant material. Hope you enjoy!

___________________

The four most popular characters on this show are all crap characters and people. They are: Regina Mills, Rumplestilstkin, Captain Hook/Killian Jones and Zelena Mills. All four of them are garbage. And what’s so ironic is that a lot of fans of one character will always hit off on another one of those characters. All four of them are absolute garbage, and for fairly similar reasons. 

1. Killian Jones/Captain Hook

Soooo in the first season this character appeared in (season 2) Killian was actually a good character. He did horrible things but he was a villain, so that’s ok. He also had a fairly tragic backstory, so despite how horrible he was, you had sympathy with him.

And then they gave him a redemption arc and made him a hero... Now this redemption arc... Doesn’t work. Like at all.

The reason for this, is that Killian managed to stay alive for hundreds of years. And even then, after the first hundred he was still a terrible person. If Killian lived an average long life like the rest of us he would have lived and died a terrible villain. If you only manage to become a better man because you get to live 200 years.... Then you aren’t a good person.

On top of this, Killian is seriously glamorized. He is portrayed as some selfless hero after all those centuries. Which I think it just.... Not ok...

I mean here is what our apparent righteous and pure hero Killian has done:

1. Was a pirate (the implications of that are clear... stealing, plundering etc)

2. Homewrecked Rumple and Milah’s marriage

3. Assisted Milah in abandoning Baelfire, her son

4. Led Rumple to believe he had kidnapped Milah and was going to sail off with her and rape her. Then said if Rumple could defeat Killian in a sword fight to the death he could go and save her to goad him into said fight despite the fact that Rumple’s death combined with Milah’s abandonment would leave Bae an orphan.

5. He explains when Emma is the Dark One and saves him from falling off a building to his death that he wears two rings on his finger. One of them belonged to a man named Barnabee, who insulted him and so he killed him in front of his wife. The other ring belonged to a man named Egbar, he caught him drinking the Captain’s wine and drowned him.

6. Murdered his father and left his half brother an orphan

7. Murdered two royal guards and then murdered Prince Charming’s father (when Charming was a CHILD, thus leaving him fatherless)

8. Refused to set Belle free from being held captive by Regina and instead tried to murder her

9. Raped multiple women (When Emma travels back in time and talks to Killian’s past self, and flirts with him leaving him with the impression she wants to have sex with him, Killian responds with “if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to get me drunk... *which is usually my tactic*”. Getting someone drunk and then having sex with them is RAPE.)

10. Shot Belle and had all her memories erased

So a serial killer and rapist is being glamorized as some kind of hero. Killian like Regina is not a hero, he is well and truly an evil person. It took him 200 years to stop being a murderer and a rapist. What a great redemption arc!

2. Captain Swan

Killian is shipped with Emma and this ship is canon. The way I see it though, this is a nightmare relationship.

Killian murdered Emma’s grandfather and ruined his father's childhood. And now... they end up married? That’s.... That’s not a healthy relationship, like at all.

3. Charming is held to the standard that he MUST forgive Hook and is not allowed not to

When Emma finds out Killian murdered Charming’s father, she isn’t mad about it. Nope! She’s just mad Killian couldn’t tell her!

In what world should a woman look past her boyfriend being the murderer of her grandfather? Seriously?

Also when Charming begins being unsatisfied with all proposed venues for Emma and Hook’s wedding, Snow suspects he is not fine with Emma marrying him, and she says to him “that ship is sailed deal with it!”. How disgusting is that? “Your daughter is GOING to marry your father’s murderer! Deal with it!”.

4. Regina Mills

This character is like the fan favorite, but she is complete trash. 

In the first 2 seasons she was actually a very well written character. She was a villain, and the writers did a great job at making her dislikeable, as a villain should be (well not always, but it’s great to have a dislikeable villain). 

But then in the next four seasons of the show, they really began to glamorize her. And I think that’s ridiculous. They act like she has a heart of gold and is an amazing person and refer to her as a hero multiple times. 

So Regina this “great hero” has:

1. Tried to murder Snow White

2. Slaughtered an entire village for supporting Snow White (they literally show the thousands of bodies scattered in one area in the woods) 

3. Tried to kill Emma Swan when she was a baby

4. Cast a curse on The Enchanted Forest that sent them to a town on Earth with false identities and memories where they would live miserable repetitive lives

5. When Henry, her adoptive son, realizes that the truth about Storybrooke, the curse and all that she tries to persuade him he is delusional even going as far as to book him therapy appointments

6. When Henry’s birth mother, Emma, arrives in town, rather than let Henry have the chance to get to know her, she tries to bully her out of town

7. Raped and murdered Graham

8. Kidnapped Belle and locked her up in a tower for 20 years

9. Trapped Jefferson in Wonderland thus separating him from his daughter and knowingly causing him to break a promise to his daughter that he would return to her

10. Cast a curse on the Enchanted Forest implanting false memories and identities into them and sending them to a town where they would be miserable and separated from their loved ones 

11. Tried to murder Emma Swan by giving her a poisoned apple pie 

12. Found a man who wanted to kill Prince Charming and turned him into a giant to help him do so

13. Colluded with her mother to murder Emma, Snow and Charming

14. Tried to use this spell on Henry to make him think he loved her out of fear of losing him

15. Tried to murder Marian, Robin Hood’s wife so that she could date Robin Hood (this one in particular I find quite problematic, because a lot of people in the fanbase were sympathizing with Regina here... Why? Yes, Marian was very judgmental to Regina, but Regina had already tried once to MURDER HER! Of course she isn’t going to see her as a saint?)

And that’s only from the top of my memory. 

5. Swan Queen

Emma Swan and Regina Mills are shipped. And this is a hugely popular ship... Like... Why?? 

Regina tried to murder Emma like three times? She tried to murder her parents, and tried to prevent her ever seeing her son again? Why on Earth would you want this person to be with Emma? 

6. Regina/Evil Queen serum

In the fifth season, Regina begins being tempted to be evil again. So her solution to the problem? Separate “the Evil Queen” (all the evil in her) from her and then kill her evil self. And then she will be a good person without her evil side.

This is just... What? No. You don’t just rip all your less moral attributes out of yourself and destroy them and suddenly you’re a good person. If you have to do that in order to not be a terrible person, *then you ARE a terrible person!*. 

It’s just a really dumb plotline and I hate it. 

7. Rumplestilstkin

Onto Rumple. Like the others, he was a fairly decent character throughout the first five seasons. He did crappy stuff, but he was a villain so that’s ok. They did give him decent moral moments at times but that’s just making an interesting character. He’s overall a douche but can do some great stuff. 

Then in seasons 6 and 7 they gave him a redemption arc. It fails for the same reason as Killian. *It took him hundreds of years to get there*. You can’t claim someone is a good person if it takes them hundreds of years to stop doing terrible things.

And here is a list of what I mean by bad deeds:

1. Rumple denies a dehydrated seer water as he is offended by the prophecy she gives 

2. Rumple murders a bunch of warriors who have come to enlist his son (Baelfire) in a war, despite the fact he had just gained more than enough power to stop them doing so in less harmful ways. 

3. Rumple abandons Baelfire and sends him through a portal to an unknown world. Father of the year everyone!

4. Rumple murders Milah, the (albeit terrible) mother of his son. 

5. Rumple kidnaps Belle and makes her his slave.

6. Rumple creates the Dark Curse and has Regina cast it

7. Rumple tries to steal Cinderella’s baby

8. Tries to prevent Belle reuniting with her father by tearing down posters she has set up all around town of him and throwing them in the trash. Despite the fact that HE is the REASON Belle is separated from her father in the first place.

9. Makes the residents of Storybrooke part of a storybook (lol that was fun to say/type) where they have fake memories and identities and are separated from their loved ones AGAIN 

10. Prevents the Dark One Curse (Which has caused death, destruction and suffering for CENTURIES) from being destroyed

11. Throws Milah into the River of Souls

12. Tries to throw Gaston (albeit he is Gaston but still a human being) into the River of Souls

So like Killian it takes Rumple centuries to not be a serial killer any more.. So I don’t think either of them truly have redeemed themselves.

8. Rumbelle

Remember how I said that Rumple kidnapped Belle and enslaved her? And how he tried to prevent her reuniting with her father after he separated them in the first place? Well Rumple and Belle are a married couple and this is portrayed as a positive relationship. 

9. Zelena Mills

Regina’s sister. Shouldn’t be a surprise then that she is also a terrible person, which like all the others is fine until they decide to start glamorizing her. 

Zelena murdered Baelfire, who is Henry’s FATHER. She then murders Marian and takes on her form and has sex with Robin Hood. This is RAPE. She has gained Robin’s consent by taking on a deceitful form, consent gained through deceit is not consent. 

But hey! Zelena Mills is a badass hero! Forget about the raping and the murdering, she’s actually a pretty decent person!

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

[toxicsquad]

There is no better way to get to know someone than through a good question tag. In this case we have decided to make an Indie game dev question tag with the responses of our four developers. We hope that it will reveal many unknowns, but if you are left with any questions, do not hesitate to use our ask.

What part of game development are you responsible for?

Athe: I write and write, I melt in my seat, I correct, I cry and then I program. It’s an endless cycle. Occasionally I laugh like crazy while I eat Pringles.

Sam: I draw and color without leaving the lines (almost always) the sprites, the illustrations and the ravings that usually occur to us past 3 in the morning.

Illy: English translations.

Sher: I draw BGs

What tools do you use (hardware / software)?

Athe: Recently my desktop PC has passed away, so I’ve had to rescue my old PC from the garage. I also have a laptop that saves my life more times than I would like to admit. As for the software, I need, above all, drive documents, video editing programs, image etc (I have an Adobe package) and of course Renpy and Atom.

Sam: My main friend and companion is my tablet, a wacom intuos S (pistachio color, so cute). As programs I mainly use the Paint Tool Sai, because there is nothing in this life like its stabilizer. And less frequently than I would like (for details, texture brushes, effects ...) I also use Clip Studio Paint, which I only know how to use at about 2% of its capacity ... If someday I have time I would love to stop and learn seriously what can be done with it.

Illy: During the school year I live in a residence, so I use an old laptop, and when I return home I use a desktop computer that never has memory space. I translate the chapters in the same Atom where the complete script is and I keep them in google drive files where I share them with our beta reader. I also use editing programs like photoshop when I have to translate comics or procreate for when my artistic skills are required.

Sher: ipad+procreate+some final tweak in photoshop, I don't need much more

What is your favorite part of the job?

Athe: Would it be wrong if I say that is when we released the episode? During the whole production time everything is very stressful, there are times when it’s really uphill, but when we release a new chapter it feels soooo good. It's like saying to yourself, yeah, dammit, I can do it. Look at everything you've climbed by yourself. You're doing it right.

Sam: In general, my favorite parts are when the first scenes start to be programmed, and I can see the sprites with the backgrounds, the texts, and how the illustrations look. Everything always looks so much better when viewed in-game… I also really like being able to check out the script as it is written. And from the artistic part that concerns me, when I see that my hands capture the idea that I had in my head ... Especially in character designs.

Illy: Having to find a way to translate very spanish expressions into English, research vocabulary that I have never had to use and commenting on some translations with our beta reader (which we adore) to make it understandable without losing the original meaning.

Sher: I like to do the lineart when the sketch is complete, if I no longer have to think about anything else and it's just going through it, I find it very fun and relaxing

What is the most difficult part for you?

Athe: Offf, yes, I admit it, sometimes writing is the WORST. Other times I love it, especially when I can expand on the descriptions or stop at a part that is intimate or that I find interesting (for example, Hasiel's conversation from 6.3, small spoiler: P). But, I HATE having to paste scenes, often the protagonist moves between scenes and you always have to add lines to those transitions that really do not interest anyone, but that otherwise the text would be confusing. Anyway... It is a very wide world, with a lot of history, I have to deal with what I need readers to know to understand the facts, although sometimes it gets a bit boring.

Sam: What part does not... Rather who e.e Zihel and Ariel are a thorn in my side. Especially Zihel. I know it has to do with the fact that it has never been my strength to draw boys, and much less if they are more masculine in appearance... That's why I also suffer a lot from drawing muscles. Another thing that brings me a headache is the perspective of the illustrations. Every time I try to get out of the typical shot or poses a little... It doesn't work out.

Illy: Doughy’s  stuttering ¬.¬

Sher: chairs, sofas, tables... anything with four legs is my enemy

Anything to help or encourage you while you are working?

Athe: I need music, no, seriously, I NEED IT. I’m unable to focus without it. If, on top of that, I can get what I hear to act as a sounding board for what I write, the text is a thousand times better... But the muse is a pretty bad person.

Sam: Having a show/movie in the background that entertains me. The longer the better, so I don't have to stop to think what I want to put on next.

Illy: Eating sunflower seeds to trick my brain and not be tempted to do something else that distracts me.

Sher: I try to see other artists to motivate and inspire me before I start drawing, what I find most difficult is that initial push and that is where I need the motivation, then I usually have something in the background but it is not necessary

Something that’s a pet peeve or discouraging?

Athe: Some narrative climax moments. Generally, they are not important plot moments (that is almost entirely decided), they are often small decisions to go from scene A to scene B, but I can spend a LOT of time deciding which is the fastest and best way to tie those two ends. I'm the worst.

Sam: Many times when starting, I can't get the poses to fit the way I want, for example.

Illy: Finding many parts in a row that I find especially difficult to solve and that make me believe that I have forgotten how to English properly. And looking at how many lines I still have left.

Sher: When I don't know how to fill in some area, if I see something very empty but I don't know how to solve it, I can spend days looking at the screen without being able to advance, even if I have other areas that I could do in the meantime

What is required on your table or work surface?

Athe: Notebooks, sticky notes, pens… I’m a person who writes everything down, especially the tasks, but I also order the story by color schemes. The stack of sticky notes have 9 different colors, each one represents a character and I play a lot with them for a lot of nonsense. Besides, even though I have been writing on the computer for many more years than I wrote by hand, I still have a preference for the analogical.

Sam: Coffee, sweets, chocolate, cereals... And cats.

Illy: My phone, the sunflower seeds, a Capital America: Civil War 1L water cup, sticky notes that remind me of tasks.

Sher: I have nothing really lol all my things are for decoration

Your most productive hours?

Athe: Owl. Totally nocturnal. Although I have several crises a month to force myself to work at other times that always end... Wrong.

Sam: Also at night for the most part, although I can no longer stay awake as long as I endured before having a job (the good old days...) However, in the middle of the afternoon, when the zoo that I have at home is still taking a nap, I also manage to go a long way.

Illy: From when I finish eating until 7 or 8 in the afternoon, when I don't have to cook, clean, run errands...

Sher: I take over for Illy apparently, from 7 or 8 is when I start to get into the mood until bedtime

Do working hours make you forget to eat or make you eat twice as much?

Athe: It depends, in the past I ate a lot, now if I have stress I don't eat anything. If I'm in a normal productive phase and I'm not on my nerves, I'm probably eating by inertia.

Sam: They make me eat more, but especially junk food e.e And they make me forget healthy meals, especially dinner at night.

Illy: It depends on my mood, but I usually eat twice as much.

Sher: I'm generally a VERY distracted person so I don't usually get to focus on a task to get to either of those two modes but I guess when I am sooooooo much on the task, I forget. But that happens like a couple of times a year and "forgetting" is "I delay an hour."

What part of your set up would you improve / change (in aesthetics or functionality) if you had no money limit?

Athe: I'm trying to match some of my peripherals with the rest. They are all a damn different color, apparently I'm cursed... Now seriously, I wish I had a better graphic card that would allow me to make video captures, some speakers and a quality printer.

Sam: Actually, I don't think I need anything more complex than what I already have… But if I had to improve something, I'm curious about the most professional tablets, the big ones with the included screen and all that stuff.

Illy: A new laptop that lets me open 4 chrome tabs, Atom and photoshop at the same time without dying.

Sher: A pc screen that will not change the colors I use on the iPad would be nice, really

Which character are you most like? And why?

Athe: Phew I think the easy answer would be to say Akane ... But, Akane is a better person. : P

Sam: This is very difficult... They are all very different, but still I do not think I look much like any of them. If I have to say something, I could identify with Maske's tendency to avoid problems, and his more homey and calm side. And well… Since Akane has been an OC of mine for many years, surely I have something of her too.

Illy: I think I partly have Maske's instinct to stay out of trouble, and on the other hand Joe's shallowness, although tbh I wish I really did look like any of our awesome babies.

Sher: surprised because (unpopular opinion around here) is one of those who I "least care" about really but I would say that Pin because he is a little dumb, happy and probably has a Satanic room and proud of it

Favorite CG/art.

Athe: AT THE MOMENT. Maske chapter 1. It couldn't be more predictable. I know.

Sam: I quite agree with Maske in chapter 1. But I would also put Pin in chapter 5 and Akane in chapter 6.2 on the top.

Illy: Kyeran in Coco's tank ?? Is he even real? Being basic is my brand.

Sher: surprised again and disappointed but I would say that of angel Hasiel because I like pretty dresses, pretty hairs and pretty wings

Favorite BG/scene.

Athe: The Red Light District amazes me. I already liked the life of that place, its history, but the way of expressing it... Uggg Sher took it to another level. The dirt on the street, the night, the constricted buildings...

Sam: I think I’ll say Raziel’s square, I like it a lot from the first day.

Illy: I don't know if I can choose just one T__T but I would say that the Red Light District and Valefar's pub are at the top.

Sher: for not repeating the red light district that I also like very much, I really like the areas of Coco's laboratory, including the “main” area although the perspective is horrible and makes the characters look tiny, but I like how it looks :(

Your favorite chapter to date?

Athe: Ufff... The first and second one I assure you no, hahaha. I will say that the third one, but also for things that are not necessarily from the chapter, but of the production. It was a good moment. I felt that everything was flowing with ease. We all assumed a clear role, they were times that made us feel comfortable and capable of assuming what came next, I think it was a qualitative leap also, both in texts and in art.

Sam: Oh. Well let's see... Chapter 5 is amazing for me, for everything that happens but also because there are many personalized interactions and choices. I can't say I have a definitive favorite, but it could come close… Also from the last ones I really like the 6.2.

Illy: Chapter 5 has so many details, so many things happen, it's hard not to be my favorite. But the last ones with the specific routes are so great that if I stay with the 5 it’s with the  pain of my heart to have to choose one.

Sher: I would say 5 also because in the end when a lot of things happen is when you remember the most

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No hay mejor forma de conocer a alguien que a través de un buen tag de preguntas. En este caso hemos decidido hacer un Indie game dev question tag con las respuestas de las cuatro desarrolladoras. Esperamos que os aclare muchas incógnitas, pero si os quedáis con alguna no dudéis en usar nuestro ask.

¿Qué parte del desarrollo del juego llevas a cabo?

Athe: Escribo, escribo, me derrito sobre mi asiento, corrijo, lloro y después programo. Es un ciclo sin fin. Ocasionalmente me río como una demente mientras como Pringles.

Sam: Dibujo y coloreo sin salirme de las líneas (casi siempre) los sprites, las ilustraciones y los desvaríos que suelen surgir a partir de las 3 de la mañana. 

Illy: Las traducciones a inglés.

Sher: Hago fonditos

¿Qué herramientas utilizas (hardware/software)?

Athe: Recientemente mi PC de sobremesa ha fallecido, así que he tenido que rescatar mi viejo PC del trastero, también tengo un portatil que me salva la vida más veces de las que me gustaría admitir. En cuanto al software, necesito, sobre todo, documentos de drive, programas de edición de video, imagen etc (tengo un paquete de Adobe) y por supuesto Renpy y Atom.

Sam: Mi principal amiga y compañera es mi tableta, una wacom intuos S (color pistacho, muy cuqui.) Como programas uso sobretodo el Paint Tool Sai, porque no hay nada en esta vida como su estabilizador. Y con menos frecuencia de lo que querría (para detalles, pinceles de texturas, efectos…) también utilizo el Clip Studio Paint, el cual sólo se usar como a un 2% de su capacidad… Si algún día tengo tiempo me encantaría pararme a aprender seriamente todo lo que se puede hacer con él. 

Illy: Durante el curso vivo en una residencia, así que uso un portatil del año que reinó carolo, y cuando vuelvo a mi casa un ordenador de sobremesa que nunca tiene espacio en la memoria. Los capítulos los traduzco en el mismo Atom en el que está el guión completo y los guardo en drive donde los comparto con nuestra beta reader. También uso programas de edición como photoshop cuando tengo que traducir viñetas o procreate para cuando mis habilidades artísticas son requeridas.

Sher: ipad+procreate+algún retoquito final en photoshop no necesito mucho más

¿Cuál es tu parte de favorita del trabajo?

Athe: ¿Estaría mal si digo que es cuando sacamos el episodio? Durante toda la producción todo es muy estresante, hay veces, que se hace realmente cuesta arriba, pero cuando liberamos un nuevo capítulo sienta taaaan bien. Es como decirte a ti misma, sí, joder, puedo hacerlo. Mira todo lo que has escalado tú solita. Lo estás haciendo bien.

Sam: En general, mis partes favoritas son cuando se empiezan a programar las primeras escenas, y puedo ver los sprites con los fondos, los textos, y cómo se ven las ilustraciones. Todo queda siempre mucho mejor cuando se ve dentro del juego… También me gusta mucho poder cotillear el guión conforme se va escribiendo. Y de la parte artística que me toca, cuando veo que mis manos plasman la idea que tenía en mi cabeza… Sobretodo en diseños de personajes. 

Illy: Tener que buscar la forma de traducir a inglés expresiones muy nuestras, investigar vocabulario que no he tenido que usar jamás y comentar algunas traducciones con nuestra beta reader (a la que adoramos) para conseguir que se entienda sin perder el significado original.

Sher: me gusta hacer el lineart cuando el sketch está completo, si ya no tengo que pensar nada más y es solo ir repasando me parece muy divertido y relajante

¿Cuál es la parte que más te cuesta?

Athe: Ufff, sí, lo admito, escribir a veces es lo PEOR. Otras me encanta, sobre todo, cuando puedo explayarme con las descripciones o detenerme en una parte íntima o que a mí me parece interesante (por ejemplo, la conversación de Hasiel del 6.3, pequeño spoiler :P). Pero, ODIO tener que empastar escenas, a menudo el protagonista se mueve de escenarios y hay que agregar siempre líneas a esas transiciones que realmente no interesan a nadie, pero que de lo contrario el texto quedaría mal montado. En fin… Es un mundo muy amplio, con mucha historia, tengo que lidiar con lo que necesito que los lectores sepan para entender los hechos, aunque a veces se haga un pelín peñazo.

Sam: Qué parte no… Quiénes, más bien e.e Zihel y Ariel son mi espinita. Especialmente Zihel. Sé que tiene que ver con el hecho de que nunca ha sido mi punto fuerte dibujar chicos, y menos si son de aspecto más masculino… Por eso también sufro mucho dibujando músculos. Otra cosa que me trae de cabeza es la perspectiva de las ilustraciones. Cada vez que intento salirme un poco del típico plano o poses… No sale bien. 

Illy: El tartamudeo de Doughy ¬.¬ 

Sher: sillas, sofás, mesas… cualquier cosa con cuatro patas son mis enemigos

¿Algo que te ayude o anime mientras estás trabajando?

Athe: Necesito música, no, en serio, LA NECESITO. Soy incapaz de concentrarme sin ella. Si ya consigo que lo que escucho haga de caja de resonancia de lo que escribo, el texto es mil veces mejor… Pero la musa es bastante mala gente.

Sam: Tener alguna serie/peli de fondo que me entretenga. Cuanto más larga mejor, así no me toca pararme a ver qué es lo que quiero poner después. 

Illy: Comer pipas para engañar a mi cerebro y no tener la tentación de ponerme a hacer otra cosa que me distraiga.

Sher: intento ver otros artistas para motivarme e inspirarme antes de empezar a dibujar, lo que más me cuesta es ese empujón inicial y es donde necesito la motivación, luego ya suelo tener algo de fondo pero no es necesario

¿Algo que te corte el rollo o te desmotive?

Athe: Los nudos narrativos. Generalmente, no son nudos gordos de la trama (eso está decidido casi en su totalidad), a menudo son decisiones pequeñas para pasar de la escena A a la escena B, pero puedo tirarme MUCHO tiempo decidiendo cuál es la forma más rápida y mejor planteada para atar esos dos cabos. Soy lo peor.

Sam: Muchas veces a la hora de empezar, no conseguir encajar las poses como quiero, por ejemplo. 

Illy: Encontrar muchas partes seguidas que me cueste especialmente resolver y que me hacen creer que no tengo ni idea de hablar inglés. Y mirar cuantas líneas me quedan todavía.

Sher: cuando no se como rellenar alguna zona, si veo algo muy vacío pero no se como solucionarlo puedo tirarme días mirando la pantalla sin ser capaz de avanzar, incluso aunque tenga otras zonas que pudiera ir haciendo mientras

¿Qué no puede faltar en tu mesa o superficie de trabajo?

Athe: Libretas, post-its, bolígrafos… Soy una persona que lo anota todo, sobre todo, las tareas, pero también ordeno la historia por esquemas de colores. La pila de post-its tienen 9 colores diferentes, cada uno representa un personaje y juego mucho con ellos para miles de idioteces. A parte, a pesar de que llevo muchos más años escribiendo a ordenador de los que escribí a mano, sigo teniendo querencia a lo físico.

Sam: Café, chucherías, chocolate, cereales… Y gatos. 

Illy: El móvil, las pipas, un vaso de 1L de agua de Capital America: Civil War, post-its que me recuerdan las tareas.

Sher: no tengo nada realmente lol todas mis cosas son de adorno 

¿Tus horas más productivas?

Athe: Búho. Nocturna totalmente. A pesar de que tengo varias crisis al mes para forzarme a trabajar a otras horas que acaban siempre… Mal.

Sam: También por la noche en su mayoría, aunque ya no aguanto trasnochando tanto como antes de trabajar (qué tiempos aquellos…) Aunque a media tarde cuando el zoo que tengo en casa aún está echando la siesta también consigo dar un buen empujón. 

Illy: Desde que acabo de comer hasta las 7 o las 8 de la tarde, cuando no tengo que cocinar, limpiar, hacer recados...

Sher: le tomo el testigo a Illy aparentemente, a partir de las 7 u 8 es cuando empiezo a entrar en el mood hasta que llega la hora de dormir

¿Las horas de trabajo hacen que te olvides de comer o te hacen comer el doble?

Athe: Depende, antes comía mucho, ahora, si tengo estrés no como nada. Si me encuentro en un rango productivo normal y no estoy de los nervios, probablemente, esté comiendo por inercia.

Sam: Me hacen comer más, pero sobretodo porquerías e.e Y hacen que me olvide de las comidas sanas, sobretodo de cenar por la noche. 

Illy: Depende de mi estado de ánimo, pero normalmente comer el doble.

Sher: en general soy una persona MUY distraída así que no suelo conseguir centrarme en una tarea para llegar a ninguno de esos dos modos pero supongo que cuando estoy muuuuuuy dentro de la tarea, me olvido. Pero eso pasa como un par de veces al año y “olvido” es “lo retraso una hora”.

¿Qué parte de tu set up mejorarías/cambiarías (en estética o funcionalidad) si no tuvieses límite de dinero?

Athe: Estoy tratando de que alguno de mis periféricos peguen con el resto. Todos son de un maldito color diferente, al parecer estoy maldita… Ahora en serio, desearía tener una mejor gráfica que me permitiese hacer videocapturas, unos altavoces y una impresora de calidad.

Sam: En realidad, no creo que necesitara nada más complejo de lo que ya tengo… Pero por mejorar, me llaman la atención las tabletas más profesionales, las grandes con la pantalla incluida y eso. 

Illy: Un portátil nuevo que me deje abrir 4 pestañas de chrome, el Atom y photoshop al mismo tiempo sin quedarse tieso.

Sher: Una pantalla de pc que no me cambiara los colores que uso en el ipad seria bonito la verdad 

¿A qué personaje te pareces más? ¿Y por qué?

Athe: Ufff Creo que la respuesta fácil sería decir Akane… Pero, Akane es mejor persona. :P

Sam: Esto es muy complicado… Son todos muy distintos, pero aún así no creo que me parezca mucho a ninguno. Por decir algo, me podría identificar con la tendencia a evitar problemas de Maske, y su lado más casero y tranquilo. Y bueno… Dado que Akane es OC mío de hace muchos años, seguramente tenga algo de ella también. 

Illy: Creo que en parte tengo el instinto de alejarme de las movidas de Maske, y por otro la superficialidad de Joe, aunque tbh ojalá parecerme realmente a nuestros bebés geniales.

Sher: sorprendida porque (unpopular opinión por aquí) es de los que “menos me importan” realmente pero diría que Pin porque es tontito, feliz y probablemente tenga una habitación satánica y orgulloso de ello

Tu CG/arte favorito.

Athe: DE MOMENTO. Maske capítulo 1. No podría ser más predecible. Lo sé.

Sam: Coincido bastante en la de Maske del capítulo 1. Pero también metería en el top la de Pin del capítulo 5 y la de Akane del capítulo 6.2. 

Illy: ¿¿Kyeran en el tanque de Coco?? ¿Es siquiera real? Ser básica es mi marca.

Sher: sorprendida de nuevo y decepcionada pero diría que la de Hasiel de ángel porque me gustan los vestidos bonitos, los pelos bonitos y las alas bonitas

Tu BG/escenario favorito.

Athe: Me flipa el Barrio Rojo. Me gusta la vida de ese sitio, su historia, pero la forma de plasmarlo… Uggg Sher lo llevó a otro nivel. La suciedad de la calle, la nocturnidad, los edificios constreñidos...

Sam: Creo que me quedo con el de la plaza de Raziel, me gusta mucho desde el primer día. 

Illy: No sé si puedo elegir solo uno T__T pero diría que el Barrio Rojo y el bar de Valefar están en el top.

Sher: por no repetir el barrio rojo que también me gusta mucho, me gustan mucho las zonas del laboratorio de Coco, incluida la zona “principal” aunque la perspectiva sea horrible y haga a los pj parecer diminutos, pero me gusto como quedo :( 

¿Tu capítulo favorito hasta las fecha?

Athe: Ufff… El uno y el dos os aseguro que no, jajaja. Diré que el tres, pero también por cosas que no son necesariamente del capítulo, sino de la producción. Fue un buen momento. Sentí que todo estaba fluyendo con facilidad. Todas asumimos un rol claro, unos tiempos que nos hacían sentir cómodas y capaces de asumir lo que venía después, creo que fue un salto cualitativo también, tanto en los textos, como en el arte.

Sam: Ay. Pues a ver… El capítulo 5 es una pasada para mi, por todo lo que pasa pero también porque hay muchas interacciones personalizadas y elecciones. No puedo decir que tenga un favorito definitivo, pero podría acercarse… También me gusta mucho de los últimos el 6.2. 

Illy: El capítulo 5 tiene tantos detalles, pasan tantas cosas, que es difícil que no sea mi favorito, pero los ultimos de rutas específicas son tan geniales que si me quedo con el 5 es con un poco de dolor de tener que elegir uno.

Sher: Diría el 5 también porque al final cuando pasan muchas cosas es cuando mas se te queda grabado

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[death-himself]

Could You Meet Me Beyond the Grave?—Prologue pt. 2

I kinda skip around and rush a bit through this part because I wanted to give some basic information about what willows are, who are willows and who aren’t, and the soulmate aspect, but at the same time I wanted to just get to the actual story soooo this happened.

previous next (AO3 Link)

Pairings: Eventual LAMP/CALM, Remile, QPR RED (I know their ship name now!)

Word Count: 1,181

Warnings: Blood, mentioned cannibalism, fear, alcohol/underage drinking mention (just once in the first paragraphs tho), talk of murder, eye trauma, suicide/talk of suicide, Deceit (honestly, he’s in a real moral grey area, leaning towards bad idk where he fits anymore)

(anything else you need tagged, let me know)

  Dee guided me to his tower of a home and sat me down at a table. I heard rustling clothing, the clink of glass hitting another, then liquid pouring into a cup.

  "It will take a while for your body to adjust to this new state. I will teach you how to get around and survive." The glass was placed in front of me "Drink this. Placed at one o'clock." I reached forward, feeling the ice cold drink. The pungent scent of iron filled my lungs, and I nearly gagged. "It smells like—"

  "It's blood mixed with grape juice. I would have mixed it with vodka, but, well...I'd rather not deal with a drunk minor at the moment." I couldn't move, the blood-filled cup trembling in my hands.

  "Is something wrong, Virgil? This isn't upsetting you, is it?"

  "N-No." I mumbled out. Dee hummed, not content with that answer. "Like it or not, you'll have to get used to this if you want to survive. We can only live off normal food for roughly a week. Any longer than that, and we become mindless killing machines."

  "Pleasant." I hesitated, the iron scent overwhelming my senses. I gripped the glass and chugged the cold, sticky liquid. Strangely enough, I didn't automatically gag. It tasted like nothing.

  Before I knew it, the glass was empty. Dee sighed. "That should hold you over for the day. Tomorrow I'll give you some flesh, alright?" I went silent, not wanting to think about what that meant. "I have enough in the fridge to last you a month. I'll be teaching you how to hunt on your own in that time."

  I shuddered. "Please don't call it that."

  As soon as I said that, I felt the danger in the air. "Well then, do tell me Virgil, what would you like to call it? Because like it or not, that's what it is."

  "Do I really have to...kill people?"

  "That you do." I heard him move, and a hand was placed on my shoulder. "Humans are like cattle to us, Virgil. Unless you'd rather die again, you better lose that compassion you have for them." I gulped, his hand feeling as though it was burning my skin. "I'm not going to let you die, Virgil. But if you truly feel like you won't be able to survive like this, I will...show you mercy and end this life as quickly as possible."

  I hate to admit that the offer was tempting. If I had to kill dozens of people in order for me—someone who had already died—to continue living...it just seemed wrong in so many ways. Not to mention I would have to hide away for the rest of my life.

  But the fear of the unknown controlled me. What kind of afterlife did a worthless nobody like me go to? Was there even an afterlife? What if—

  The snapping in my ear broke me out of my spiral. Dee sighed. "Whatever choice you make, I'll support it. Just be sure of your decision by tomorrow." Dee gently took me by the hand and stood me up. "I'll take you to your room. I want you to try to memorize the layout of the tower, though. You can use my cane." He lead me up a set of stairs, my hand gripping tightly onto the banister. A door opened in front of me, and I was soon sitting on a bed.

  "Get some rest. I'll be leaving my cane to your left, propped against the night stand. Take it and make your way downstairs tomorrow. Understand?" I gulped, mentally retracing my steps down the hall and staircase. Easier said than done.

  "Hey...Dee? Could I ask you something?"

  I heard his footsteps coming closer, then a weight next to me on the bed. "You can ask me anything."

  "What are we? How come we're both blind? Why are we like this?" Dee goes silent. Just when I'm sure he'll just get up and leave, I hear,

  "We are willows, undead creatures born from tortured souls. The worse your life was, the more horrifically your eyes are scratched out." I hear movement, then feel him take my hand. He brought my fingers up to his face and made me feel.

  I felt sick to my core. The entire left side of his face was nothing but exposed muscles. I felt the fingers on his other hand gently running over my exposed muscles, inspecting them.

  "You've suffered. Not as much as me, but definitely enough for a lifetime." I gulped, feeling his fingers go down to my neck, tracing a line across my throat. I froze. "Self-inflicted, I assume?" He hummed, "That must make this afterlife rather difficult."

  "Could we not—"

  "I can imagine how difficult this life must be for someone who wanted to end theirs." I felt my hand trembling as he let go, allowing it to fall limply into my lap. "I won't ask any further." He stood up, walking to the door. "Get some sleep. You'll need as much rest as you can get for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll teach you everything I know."

  The door closed. Dee was gone. I calmed my pounding heart, running a hand across the soft mattress under me. I couldn't help but wonder what kinds of things Dee would teach me. How to function blind and how to...hunt...but what else? I exhaled sharply, lying down and curling up in the fetal position under the blankets. I forced my thoughts away, and attempted to sleep.

  From then on, Dee and I had stuck together. Together for 31 years. To be completely honest, I thought that I would be dead decades ago, either from hunting or by my own hands. Only three years after becoming this...creature...strange bumps in the same patterns as Braille began appearing on my arms. "Uhh...Dee? What're these?" I had asked. He thought for a moment, before his grip tightened slightly. "Your soulmates."

  My throat tightened. "Pretend to be human for now. They're destined to become willows eventually."

  I hoped they never would.

  Later on we met others willing to survive like this: Remy and his soulmate Emile two years later. I continued talking to my soulmates. Dee never allowed me to meet them, saying that I would be able to tell when they turned into willows, and I hadn't gotten whatever that sign was yet.

  I was nervous to meet them even if they did turn. What if they were like others, who couldn't stomach the idea of killing or eating a human being to survive? Patton seemed to be that way. What if they were horrified or disgusted by how long I had been doing this, and tried to kill me? That seemed on-par with Roman. What if they realized the danger of having us horrific monsters roaming around and sided with their humanity? There goes Logan. Three obvious problems that I had thought about myself countless times, and I've lost all three of my soulmates.

  That's why the day we met came as such a shocker.

[blackrose-ffxiv]

A Favor for a Favor 09/25

Rashk Geilt smiles absently, lifting each bottle of alcohol to inspect it before he picks out the whiskey and adds some to his tea like it belongs there. Perhaps it does. Some do like it in desserts as well and the tea is fast on its way to becoming dessert with the dose of sugar in it. "Well, I rather enjoy meeting interesting people so my pursuits revolve around that." He sips the tea after stirring it a moment. Seeming happy with the flavour, he picks out a little pastry to go with it. "I offer my patrons a glimpse at the threads of fate that bind their lives, but I also keep them company at events. Daijiro hired me for my experience, I believe. Some of the other hosts are still ... works in progress."

“Ahhh, right.” Lebeaux Desrosiers set the cup of tea down and picked up another pipe from the smoking box beside him and began preparing it. “I suspect I should begin learning more about the hosts, perhaps you could assist me with that. I’ll need to ‘earn’ the favor of one and become their patron if I’m to be welcome.” He scoffed. “Any would be lucky to have me, the exercise seems a bit pointless.” Lebeaux placed the pipe between his lips and lit it before he glanced up with a small smile at Rashk. “So what would ‘glimpsing the threads of fate’ entail? Fortune telling, I assume.”

Rashk had left the other pipe perched precariously on the table, but there it sat for now while the Keeper nibbles on the pastry. It seems to meet approval as he takes a larger bite, sipping his tea afterwards. "Daijiro did mention that you two smoothed over your little ... misunderstanding and told us of having informed you of our rules." He turns, absently wandering closer to the stained glass window, seeming to admire the handwork. "And you assume correctly. Of course, I only have time for very special people. I wouldn't wish to offer anything but my most dedicated time and efforts."

Lebeaux smiled serenely and swallowed down whatever he had to say about the ‘misunderstanding’ on the next sip of oversweetened tea. Which he promptly followed by a small puff on the pipe, exhaling languidly as his icy pale eyes shifted aside to watch Rashk. Admiring the play of colored light across the Keeper’s dark skin. “Oh, relax. I’ll not try to blackmail or twist your arm into taking me as a patron.” He exhaled a long-suffering sigh. “I’m sure Daijiro has been spoon-feeding you enough vile lies about me to ensure you’ll stay well away.” He placed his hand on his own cheek and managed an expression of ‘hurt’ that never quite reached his chilly eyes. “I’m sure you’re simply here to gather information to lay in his lap later. I’ll see if I can charm one of the others.” One who had preferably never met Lebby before.

Rashk raises an eyebrow, turning his head fully to the side to regard Lebeaux. The smile slowly widening on his features looked a tad more unsettling than before, a touch manic. "Wouldn't it be smarter for me to stay away if I thought you were so uncouth?" He turns slowly, a twist on his heels that maintains perfect balance. Miqo'te and their unfair tail advantages, perhaps. He perches on the armrest primly, and while one might pretend that to remain in the realm of propriety, the way he leans in close isn't, breaking personal space boundaries."And if I were his perfect little pet, wouldn't I wish to spend my time poisoning the others against you instead of speaking to you at all?"

Lebeaux abandoned the tea in favor of the pipe as he leaned in and smiled sweetly at the miqo’te. “Well. You don’t strike me as the sort who takes advice or instruction well from others. Perhaps some sort of authority issues.” He suggested calmly as he peered up from under dark lashes as the armrest brought the miqo’te’s height to briefly higher than the elezen. Surely a rare advantage to be enjoyed. “You can’t take someone else’s word for it, you’ve got to see it for yourself. And thus, here you are.” He paused for a small drag on the pipe. “Seeing for yourself if I’m truly as terrible as Daijiro claims. I believe you’ll agree with me that he’s a bit on the dramatic side.”

Rashk inhales slowly, head tilting. Definitely not trying to catch a scent past the pipe and the sweet mix of tea and alcohol. His expression doesn't change as Lebeaux speaks, but his ears twitch and lower."Here I am," he agrees in a light tone, straightening enough that his breath isn't ghosting over the Elezen's ear. "Having a perfectly intriguing discussion with a gentleman. I'm sure Daijiro regretted the dramatics but he is ever so fond of rules that must be followed."

Lebeaux smelled of somnus and alcohol first and foremost. Underneath that there was cleaning alcohol, likely from the clinic, as well as lavender and lilac soap. “And so here we are.” He agreed with a calm smile. The next exhale of smoke ‘accidentally’ going directly at the miqo’te. Perhaps as a small vengeance for the teasing breaths that had skimmed along long ears. His free hand reached up, grasping Rashk’s chin to ensure the other’s attention was fully on him as he smiiiiled. “So why are we truly here, Rashk. As pleasant as this game as been I would like to know the goal of it.”

Rashk's ears pin back fully at the contact and he lifts his chin a fraction like his initial reaction might've been to lift it up out of the hand's reach, but in the end he doesn't try to break free. His eyes are either heavy-lidded--or narrowed, gaze firmly kept on Lebeaux. "Do the Ishgardians have a saying about trying to look a gift unicorn in the mouth, I wonder?"

Lebeaux smiled serenely all the while, his fingers digging in slightly but not yet enough to mark him with his nails or risk bruising that soft skin. “You’ll have to understand I’ll always be a bit wary where Daijiro is concerned. While we have a truce, in name, it wouldn’t be the first time he hasn’t quite kept his word. Soooo… shall we speak honestly.”

Rashk isn't wearing the easy smile anymore, expression more calculating and much colder without the host persona in place. It makes his eerie pale eye more jarring, perhaps, though no doubt it unsettles enough people despite his smile. "Very well," Rashk finally says, voice remaining light and at odds with his change in expression. "I came with an offer to accept your patronage should you desire access to the host club, no courting required. Daijiro has not set rules that a visitor might only enjoy the company of his chosen host, leaving you free to spend your time there as you desire while enjoying my services on paper."

Lebeaux narrowed his eyes slightly as the other shifted his expression. His own remained almost the same, though he was almost never seen without his standard smile. Nor did it ever quite manage to reach his winter pale eyes. When Rashk finally began speaking he eased his fingers off of the other’s chin and gave his cheek a gentle pat before he lowered his hand. “There’s a good boy.” He considered his offer as he smoked silently for a few moments. “A generous offer, indeed. And what do you get in return.” He mused as the lowered hand found its way to the furred lapels of the miqo’te’s jacket, toying lightly with the soft fluff.

Rashk turns his head away, not quite sharply enough to be unrefined, but the way light reflects off his pale eye gives his gaze fire. He runs his tongue over his upper teeth, a peek of fangs briefly visible under dark lips. His tail flicks restlessly, hidden behind the chair, but he lounges ever-so-casually against the backrest while Lebeaux debates. "Perhaps I'm looking to be on your good side later should I require the assistance of a man like you. Would you consider me favourably in such an occasion?"

Lebeaux smiles sweetly as he toys with the spotted fur along the other’s chest, his own chilly eyes watching in idle amusement as Rashk seemed to be weighing his answers. “Ohh, you are clever. A favor now for an unspecified favor to be collected at some point in the future.” He tilted his head thoughtfully. “It is certainly tempting, though I can’t help but be concerned what sort troubles you foresee in your fortune telling to want my aid.” He lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. “But this sounds far more agreeable than actually working to earn the favor of another host properly. I’d say you have yourself a deal.” He offered, allowing the smile to grow to something smug.

Rashk  finds his smile again at Lebeaux's words, expression warming back to what it was. Unlike the other man, he's either more genuine--or simply fortunate enough to have the smile touch his eyes as well. "I'm sure there might not be any troubles at all. Your fate is in a constant state of change, after all. The new threads we weave today may create an entirely different tapestry by tomorrow." He tilts his head, gaze returning to Lebeaux. "We should set a proper date for the announcement, of course. No doubt you will wish to make an entrance and I should accompany you to ensure others know it's quite official."

@rashkgeilt

[tantum-tenebris]

this modern au drabble is. kind of bad but i just need to get it out of my drafts

based off a writing prompt:

“I set up the blanket fort. The password to get in is three words!”

Willow peeks at Wilson past the fluffy blanket-shield, eyes bright with mischief. His hands are on his hips and his face scrunches up in thought, because he thinks he knows her all too well, but he’s soooo wrong. And she’ll prove it when he’s never able to guess her secret password.

She sets up her pillow fort while he’s away at work, using all of the pillows and blankets she had on hand and stripping the rooms barren. It must’ve been such a surprise when Wilson came in and saw the fun little fort that he can’t get into!

He’s humming in light amusement, just like when he’s trying to solve a crossword puzzle. “No boys allowed? Burn it down?... Burn the boys?”

She snorts- he’s real silly. “I wish! But nah, you didn’t get it.” Willow shuts the drape and lands back onto a pile of pillows with an odd finality.

There’s some huffing and stuff going on outside. She appreciates how hard he’s trying to guess her stupid password for her stupid silly fort. But in her comfy bed, she’s willing to stay up all night and hear him list off random words if that's what he wants to do with his time.

That man’s wayyy too into puzzles.

“Okay, uh… how about. Fire, fire, fire?” He asks.

“Good try! But nope.”

“I love you.” Haha, naaahhh. Too cheesy. “...Get lost, creep?”

Geez, now this was getting sad. Willow gently nudges the drape with her foot. Her boyfriend is staring at something in the corner of his eye and looking like a sad and penniless street kid, so fine, whatever, she can let him hang out for awhile. It wouldn’t hurt. “You suck at this game.”

He sticks his tongue at her and carefully crawls into her fort. It suddenly feels much more warmer with him here.

Wilson takes in all the pretty lights. She’s got sparkly stuff hanging from the blanket roof, and some lava lamps, and a couple glowy stars and fairy lights.

“Pretty neat, huh?”

He’s starstruck. “Yes…”

Wilson settles into the space next to her, slipping into her arms. He’s unusually warm for someone who often lacks body heat.

“No fires in here,” he reminds her. They’re in a tight blanket hut with nothing but flammable materials all around. And things that can start fires if left alone for long enough.

“Mmmh.” Yeah, she knows; everything will burn and blah blah blah. She’s not a dumb little kid who needs reminding.

...Willow agrees with him anyway, even if it makes her sad that she can’t always play with her lighter in some parts of the house. It’s super old and dusty and the flames would eat it up quickly. Then they’d have to live on the street in a real fort, not one exactly made of pillows and stuffed animals.

It sucked that reckless fires came with a cost. 

She drags her fingers through his hair in thought. It’s soft and fuzzy like his cozy sweater, and he breathes a warm sigh against her neck. It makes her kind of sleepy, being all wrapped up like this. Now she doesn’t really wanna get up.

She feels slow movement along her back. He’s moving his hand to cradle the curve there, rubbing her slightly with his knuckles as sleep tempts him. Kneading her like a kitty.

“When’re you gonna tell me what the password is?” Wilson mumbles.

“Why do you wanna know?”

“Curiosity,” he admits, “and I’d like to come back later.” He squeezes her in a hug.

Willow decides she likes being the little spoon.

“Do you wanna guess some more? Come on, I’ll even give you a hint!”

Wilson complies, but even after her super-duper easy hint he still can’t get it, and she gives up on helping him. It’s pointless.

They’re able to settle into a comfortable silence despite being a noisy pair. Willow suspects that it has something to do with them simply being lazy on a summer afternoon.

Still, she feels somewhat restless and antsy. She lightly drags her fingers down his tummy, just on accident, and like a cat to water he slips away with a gasp.

“Woah! Are you ticklish?” There’s a mischievous grin forming along her face as she watches him reconsider every decision he’s made.

“Um! No. No, I’m n-AAGH!”

Her warm hands crawl up his chest and tickle him mercilessly. Wilson looks like he can barely breathe; he’s batting at her hands and trying to fight back, but his efforts are futile. Willow’s too quick and agile, while he’s too slow and clumsy.  

“Ack! Stop!”

There’s a sudden and squeaky yelp as she tickles a particularly sensitive spot along his neck. She pauses for a moment, wondering if she hurt him or something, but he’s only looking up from underneath her with a loss of breath. No injuries or anything, just shock.

“Willow?!”

She slightly releases the tight grip she has on his arms. “What?”

“Y-you just broke your fort.”

“Huh?”

The roof of her fort and its pillow-walls lay around them in a sad, disappointing pile. It collapsed while they were fighting and she didn't even notice!

Willow huffs, climbing off of Wilson. “Oh, boo! Well, that was lame.” And a huuuuge waste of time.

Some part of making him suffer was worth it, though.

Wilson looks guilty, even though it technically isn't his fault. She pats his shoulder. “Things break all the time. That doesn't mean we can't rebuild it, though.”

“You’re not upset?”

“I mean… not really. It’s just a pillow fort! Not a real housie or anything.” Willow gets up and brushes off her skirt. She lends him a hand and helps him up.

“So c’mon and help me fix it dummy.”

He’s smiling nervously, like he’s afraid that he's gonna mess up somehow. “Alright.”

They rebuild the fort together. And even though it takes all day, they're doing it in the comfort of their home without the worry of monsters and giant beasts.  

All of Wilson’s stuff is here now. His gadgets are next to her silly trinkets.

He’s hunched over by the entrance, scribbling something down. She peers over his shoulder. “Whatcha writing?”

“Just a sign,” he says.

On his crumpled up paper, Willow sees three words.

Geniuses at work.

[randomaliha]

A, C, N, X

Thanks! :) 

A - ships that I currently like a lot.

I always have a bunch of ships I’m invested in to some degree (most sort of casual or in the background) but my main one right now is stucky so prepare yourself for a ramble, my friend. I’m a sucker for ships that span a long time frame because you get so much richness and development. So, Steve and Bucky meet as kids in 1930s Depression-era New York. They grow up together but get separated for the first time when Bucky gets drafted for the war. It’s a whole time period that’s really evocative, with heaps of scope for stories about discovering each other and ~feelings and trying to work jobs and live together and Bucky trying to find Steve a date but no one wants to date Steve but p.s. Bucky’s pretty much taking him on dates all the time soooo yeah. Then we get this second act where Steve has been transformed and Bucky has been captured and experimented on, so they’ve both changed – except for the way they feel about each other. They spend the rest of the war fighting together until Bucky is presumed killed (Steve couldn’t save him! Steve will never fail him like that again! Is what Steve says to himself every night I’m guessing!) and right after that Steve sacrifices himself and puts his plane into the ice. Ultimately, of course, the war was bigger than both of them. And that should have been the end of it, an amazing but tragic journey for those two kids from Brooklyn. But we get another act, another page, in which they find each other again and Steve breaks through Bucky’s 65 years of brainwashing pretty much by existing. Two bits I absolutely love in this third act: the first time they cross paths again since 1945 is in TWS, when Bucky/the soldier comes to kill Fury at Steve’s apartment. At that moment, ‘Its been a long, long time’ by Kitty Kallen plays on Steve’s record player, a romantic af song from 1945 about lovers reuniting after the end of the war. Never thought that you would be/Standing here so close to me… You’ll never know how many dreams I've dreamed about you/Or just how empty they all seemed without you/So kiss me once then kiss me twice, then kiss me once again/It’s been a long, long time. Wow what a totally platonic bros reunion song. And second, when they’re fighting aboard the carrier and Bucky’s struggling with his programming, Steve says “finish it. Cos I’m with you, to the end of the line” which…. you know, he’s telling Bucky/the soldier to kill him because Steve won’t kill Bucky. Will not. Full stop. He’s with Bucky even if Bucky’s not really there anymore, even if being there for Bucky means dying. And the thing about it is, that’s a promise they made to each other. To be there til the end of the line. We see Bucky say it to Steve in a flashback, it’s how Bucky has always felt about Steve, a promise he’s made to Steve as much as to himself, to be there for Steve always, and on that carrier Steve is returning that love and that unwavering loyalty. And that promise is what finally gets through to Bucky and breaks decades of brainwashing. I MEAN. This devotion to each other is absolutely core to their characters. Those birds are in love. (If Infinity War kills one of them or separates them again I will be mad as hell, dishonour on all marvel’s (cash) cows.)

C - a ship I have never liked and probably never will

I feel like all my NOPE ships are in Star Wars. Rey/Kylo is the biggest nope in the galaxy and I hated their scenes in tlj. Actually, Kylo really reminds me of Anakin in the prequels, but worse. Kylo is that kid who got a chip on his shoulder when he was a teenager and has never moved past it, and now he’s a selfish tool who causes suffering and kills people because he got his feelings hurt and it makes him so angry but he’s just misunderstood and deep down he’s a nice guy if people would just do what he wants. In a high school AU this would be the character that would need to be on some kind of fbi watch list, and I hate that Star Wars writers can’t come up with a better characterisation when they’re trying to write a complex character who turns to the dark side. Things don’t go right for angry young white man; he kills everyone? That’s basically it? Some fans might point to the influence of Palpatine and Snoke as playing a role but there are plenty of characters in the SW universe who got dealt a shitty hand in life and got tempted by the dark side and didn’t go over. Basically Anakin wasn’t good enough for Padme or Obi-Wan (nooope nope nope) and Kylo isn’t anywhere near good enough for Rey or indeed anyone in the galaxy. 

N - 3 things you wish you saw more of in your fandom(s)

1. I just found a bunch of meta posts for Bucky/stucky that included timelines and costume research and meta and it was amazing and super exciting. So I guess more of that in all my fandoms but yeah, I love world-building, I love being able to fit a character into a setting and a world, and get more context on who they are, so discussion of that stuff is great and I find it really helps and inspires me as a fic writer.

2. drabbles on my dash. Can we bring back 100 word drabbles as a thing we post on tumblr? I tend to only read longer fics on ao3 but 100 word drabbles are perfect little mouthfuls for your dash, like a gifset. Also they are a damn art form and I love them.

3. Rare pairs maybe? (says every rare pair fan ever) 

X - a trope you are certain to love in any fandom

Misunderstandings that lead to mutual pining and loads of shivery tension and a big beautiful reveal. I WILL ALWAYS READ SUCH PERFECT GOODNESS.

Tagging anyone on my dash who wants to do this or send me an ask?

[broken-endings]

Things I want in the Cinderella Phenomenon fandom

basically fic and/or art ideas i wish existed

feel free to use my ideas to fuel your creativity, cuz i can’t promise i’ll write or draw any of it.

SPOILERSSSSS

in which these are mostly just summaries of DARK ALTERNATE UNIVERSES WHERE AT LEAST ONE OF THE CHARACTERS SUFFER

my 3rd one, a waltz route AU is almost long enough a summary to be a fic itself. but it’s still just a detailed summary

I call the princess MC here cuz I didn’t use her given name in my playthroughs. I renamed her Reese. so to avoid confusion, hence MC

Fritz route AU:

MC memories erased again by her mother, and she falls in love with Varg.

byebye fritz. i like me some angst and dark stuff.

MC trains under her mother and Mythros. Mother supports her relationship with Varg. The four of them manage to repel any attempted palace invasions by the good guys. happily never after.

Fritz route AU 2: (might as well call them both varg routes)

dubcon relationship–fritz is gone. there’s only varg. MC is gradually pulled in my Varg’s repeated advances, all of them similar to the time Varg kissed her in-game, though they get progressively more forward and intimate over time.

After enough of these occurrences, it gets to the point that she starts to welcome them in contrast to her feelings of hopelessness with everything else and everyone else in the palace.

He’s the only one who “honestly” pays attention to her amidst the queen’s new evil regime. She feels coldness and distance from everyone except Varg, and forgets what true love and trust is supposed to feel like, and believes those are the things she develops with Varg. But rather than that, he’s just her escape. And he’s the only escape she’s allowed from her mother’s new and improved iron fist ruling.

Waltz route AU: (aka: hello darkness my old friend) this one is LONG

MC ends up being the one who had to kill her mother which corrupts her magic, but no one realizes this. It “corrupts” very gradually in which it isn’t entirely noticeable to anyone. It first manifests in minor excusable instances that could be chalked up to the MC having a bad day, or some other minor explanation. And these instances are spread out over a long enough period of time that they feel like isolated instances. Maybe she “didn’t get enough sleep.” Or “such and such happened yesterday.”

Waltz moved into the palace after the MC was crowned queen and she progressively finds ways to spend more and more time with Waltz, and less and less time fulfilling her role as queen. Which isn’t too hard to do, considering the kingdom is in a fairly peaceful state, almost a year since her mother’s real death. In the early stages of their royal relationship, Waltz might offhand remind the MC she had some kind of work to be done, but his feelings for her are just so strong, as are hers for him. They’re like two opposite poles, unable to resist the magnetic pull of the other.

Whenever Waltz and the MC are alone, due to the heightened emotions they share, especially during the early “honeymoon period” of their relationship and living together, sometimes their magic reacts to each other. Like an unintentional static shock, but with magic. After enough of these instances, they decide to just have fun with it. These little magic sparks become an extension of how they physically interact with each other, like their magic naturally intermingling in the air becomes like a second set of hands for both of them, and they know how it feels to touch the other’s magic with their magic, it becomes an extension of their bodily senses which excites them.

Because of the strange intermixing of their magics in times when they’re alone, the corruption slowly growing in the MC infects Waltz as well. By the time Waltz starts to exhibit noticeable behavioral changes, the MC is already down a dark path, which both are blind to. And if anyone dares to question something one does, the other is right there to defend them. At this point they spend almost no moment apart. They travel as one and are constantly whispering to each other and flirting. Being that the MC is the bearer of the tenebrarum, once the pull of corruption is strong enough to be noticed by people through her actions, it’s strong enough for witches to feel that power and corruption. The MC and Waltz have devolved into an impatient and selfish couple, wanting nothing to do with anything that disinterests them. And they’re disinterested by everything except their love for each other, and their magic. Anything or anyone that tries to get in the way of either of those things meet grimmer and grimmer consequences.

And I didn’t think of a way for this to be a happy ending. I mean, the game already gave us the happy endings. So here’s more angst. Because Fait wasn’t the one to kill Hildyr in this AU, she didn’t fade away. So that rag tag group of former cursed and co., get together to figure out what is happening, and how this happened. It takes them way too long to figure out that the source of it had to be the MC killing her mother. “But why is Waltz affected too?” “it’s hard to say.” “they’re nigh inseparable.” “that could be part of it.” "they’re always using magic together.” “i don’t think we’ll ever fully understand how it happened. we just need to figure out how to undo it.”

To add more angst, and danger to good people, Mythros didn’t die in this AU. When he senses the disturbance from the crystal he becomes gleeful and immediately goes about seeking out its source. Much to his surprise the source is the murderer of his beloved teacher, “the traitorous daughter”. But he’s always been a sucker for serving power, and the MC and Waltz are where the power is.

Now, without his interference, the MC and Waltz probably would’ve remained merely cruel and disliked, but they didn’t actively harm anybody. They just didn’t help anybody either unless it got them something they wanted: i.e. magic or gifts for each other.

But Mythros likes to interfere, especially if he thinks he can gain something. When he first appears before them, he’s met with identical visages of disgust, and he prostrates himself at their mercy. “How dare you show your face here” “i should just kill you right now. i never wanted to see you again, Myth. Why are you here?” He spins a bunch of convincing BS to stress how everything he did was horrible and he has no right being here. They can kill him if they want. He does stress he’ll accept any punishment they see fit, but that, should they wish it, he could see to ALL administrative duties, he’d do all the work for them to run the kingdom, without every being allowed to make the decisions. He can read the atmosphere between them. “The two of you never have to spend another moment of their precious lives overseeing a trivial matter. You can be off with each other doing whatever you like,” and he would see to it to enforce their rulings. Any communication he’d need with them would be as brief as possible. He wants to make their lives as easy as possible because they deserve happiness for all he and “you know who” put them through. He’d bear the consequences by serving them.

To two corrupted people who are currently far more interested in looking at each other than being stopped to think about and manage hundreds or thousands of people’s lives, this proposal is incredibly tempting. And seeing how they’ve been fulfilling every temptation they come across, after a few nonverbal interactions where the give each other looks, the MC grants Mythros’ request. But he will be under constant guard. He isn’t to go anywhere unattended, or leave the palace. “You are more than merciful, your majesty. I know I don’t deserve it. But I will do my best to earn it.”

And from that point on, the corruption stewing in both of them evolves more rapidly than it had in either of them since the MC was first corrupted. Anybody trying to garner a conversation with EITHER of them was met with deaf ears. One of them would respond but neither of them were really listening. This goes for all the questions and topics Mythros brings to them to manage the kingdom. It takes no more than 2 interactions with them for him to figure out that he could potentially say anything and control things by predicting their answers. And he did just that. His guard was also witness to their approvals or disapprovals. Sometimes the MC would have to stamp something but they never really read it.

With Mythros’ hand now in play, the kingdom was changed more and more to his liking, which wasn’t too different from Hildyr’s liking. Maybe a little tamer than her vision, but still terrible. And he could tell that after accepting his proposal that the growing power in both of them surged in such a sudden growth that he could feel his own power increase merely by proximity to them.

LONG STORY short. Thanks to Mythros’ interference, the MC and Waltz become an indomitable magic force, just being in each other’s presence makes their magic resonate with each other. Almost all of their spells are cast in unison, stronger than any one witch could ever be on their own. They know each other so well half their conversations are unspoken, even in battle. They fight like it’s a dance they’ve done a thousand times. Their old friends try to “save them” but their combined trance seemed like no other. Their corruption, absolute. Isolating them from each other didn’t do any good because of how connected by magic they were. The heroes’ last resort was destroying the lucis, but mythros was one step ahead in protecting his well of power. The MC and Waltz never know that anything was done to Fait to prevent such actions. They’re too preoccupied with preparing for their wedding.

SOOOO yeah. depressing. but i love that dark shit. i think i was semi inspired by spike and drusilla from buffy. i just love villainous couples in love

Waltz route AU 2 (i love him to death. so apparently that means i want to see him suffer???more???i blame that evil bad end of his that was too fucking tragic and very brief)

This is basically. “What if the moment everyone thought Waltz’s curse was broken, it was all a mirage, and Mythros used a glamor to trick everyone into believing he was the newly restored, full grown Waltz?”

With help from other witches loyal to Hildyr he also concealed the existence of still 12 years old, real Waltz. He’s stuck under a glamor that makes him invisible and incorporeal to everyone else. Walking around and seeing and hearing everything that’s happening but unable to communicate or be seen or interact with anything.

Waltz still follows the MC everywhere, and politely averts his eyes whenever necessary so as not to feel creepy, even though no one could ever know that he’s watching.

Still cursed Waltz is stuck watching Mythros pretend to be him, and fool all their friends and allies. And fool the MC, his love. It isn’t fair.

He can still see Mythros as he is, and if he looks hard enough he can see a hint of his glamor, making him look like Waltz.

Psychological torture for young Waltz as he can only look on while Mythros infiltrates his family and friends, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

He alternates between hopeless and silent watching, and desperate pleas for someone to hear or see him. “SOMEBODY, anybody”

slightly different timeline in that the MC and her father aren’t held captive after Waltz’s curse breaking. They escape, but everything away from the palace unfolds pretty much the same.

Waltz route AU 3 (this is a solid variation of the idea above)

The moment Waltz breaks his curse and returns to his original form, Mythros uses the chaos to switch bodies and uses magic to knock his own body unconscious so Waltz can’t alert everyone.

It’s Varg’s job to see to Waltz stuck inside Mythros and stall and contain him in the palace as long as possible.

Inside Waltz’s body, he gets to feel the attention and affection of the MC, which distract and daze him. He’s falling a bit in love with her too, to the point that he resents not being in his own body.

It’s only when Waltz inside Mythros’ body escapes and attacks that it comes to light that Waltz was Mythros ever since leaving the castle. “SWITCH US BACK” Mythros’ voice called out, glaring daggers at Waltz who looked shocked and slightly confused. He’d been too preoccupied with the MC, and tries to slink away from the fight, which gives himself away to everyone in that it couldn’t be Waltz in Waltz’s body because he’d never slink away like that, especially from Mythros.

Mythros hates seeing the MC’s face in reaction to this revelation. He doesn’t understand why she affects him so.

one sided pining of Mythros for the MC

i might add more AUs

[lady-nevermore]

Therapy Session 7 - Soooo many Trees and soo many Dreams! :O

8/7/2017

Today I took a different route to get to therapy, see they ended up changing locations as of late, so this time around me and my mom ended up taking a bus route (funnily enough, I ended up taking the bus that was right in front on my old High School, AHS, haven’t sat on that exact metal bench since I graduated AHS High School over 7-8 years ago, that def. took me back.....I remember how me and my friend Reina were reminiscing about when we first met, I was sooooo antisocial back then, and very picky aka only friends with Greenbean, I told her how glad i was that she got me to open-up and that it helped me to socialize and create a whole group of friends during my freshmen year, she told me that she was glad too, and that made me smile) but anyways, that bus route ended up taking us through one of our town’s local park which we needed to walk through in order to reach the therapy building on the either side; and it was really beautiful, haven’t been to this park in a very long time and holy crap, soooooooo many wonderful trees, heh I sound like a hippie, prob another thing me and the Doctor from Doctor Who have in common I guess.....just need my own version of Rivah and I’m set! ;)

But anyways, so today we talked about how loss a grief (in many shapes and forms, not just to death, but also like grieving over those who are still living, in a sense), has made me make a bad habit of keeping others at an emotional distance, or as my therapist likes to put it: it’s my defense-mechanism against the pain and my fear of getting hurt again. I told her how I vowed/made a promise to never repeat my past mistakes when it comes to my current friends: aka ( @theamazingflyinglion , @angelotics , @hellfire47 , and @th3-d0rk-kn1ght-d0t-exe ), or any new potential friends in the future as well. 

My therapist has made me realize that this time around things are completely different than they were back in the situation when I was still friends with my High-School Friends, cause now I realized that most of you guys actually are in the know about my struggle with depression and anxiety (as well as my sometimes urge/need for space and/or alone time by myself at times, in order to recharge).....back in my High School Days, early Community College days (this was back in like 2009-2011) I wasn’t even barely aware in the slightest that I was struggling with depression and anxiety (I mean I suspected to be sure, but I wasn’t aware of how to deal with it or even accepted it was real), let alone my friends knowing about it....My therapist has made me realize that I now have a better support system with my tumblr friends, my folks and including my therapist herself, and that you guys are all in the know with what I’ve struggled with (aka the emotional abusement I suffered at the hands of my aunt when I was 5-6 years old), as well as the bouts of depression and anxiety that I struggle with now (none of my high school friends even knew about any of that), and it’s because of all of this, that my therapist has tried to get me to understand that communication and awareness (and that not allowing my feelings to fester, or bury/ignore my feelings) is key, and I completely agree she’s right (I have a bad habit of dealing with things on my own, and am too stubborn/prideful when it comes to asking for help or opening up to people about my issues.

But yeah, we also talked a lot about my dreams as of late too; I’ve had some recent dreams about tornados as of late, the skinny-funnel type, it’s mostly just this one in the corner of my mind, outside of my window, it’s far away, but everytime I acknowledge it being there in my dream, that sight of it fills me with an awful sense of dread/fear, yet if I stare at it long enough it also makes me feel a weird calming sense of awe and wonder......I think it represents my turmoil/depression/anxiety, but in a bittersweet way (since it’s connected with my past in several different ways, both good and bad in a way: my childhood, my teenage years, my once bleak future, but now a sorta more hopeful one).

I’ve also had a recent dream that all my high-school friends shunned me (were angry at me and rightfully so, and were hurt by my actions aka me isolating myself and turning my back on all of them when: I was simultaneously struggling with like 5-6 college course right out the bat, when my high-school friends in me were drifting a part/parting ways as well as me dealing with drama with WOLF, and to top it all off My friend/Mentor Codename: Obi-wan ended up passing away from colon-cancer, which was the final straw and I ended up failing most of my college courses, and all of which ended up me shutting down in completely in a horrid sense of numbness/apathy/and depression for several years, numbing the pain by running way via my nerdy fandoms).....but even so, I still turned my back on them, and I still feel accountable for my actions, which is why I still feel like they deserve an explanation, and one day I will be ready to face them again and give them that much at least.......And I mean it’s hella tempting to just leave all of this high-school stuff back in the past, and tbh any normal sane person would, but I’m neither heh, jk jk  x)

But seriously though, I mean I understand that it wasn’t entirely my fault either, most of my high-school friends and I were drifting apart for a while, so I knew it was gonna end up happening eventually, and there are a few choice friends I’d rather not reconnect with again (the narrow-minded ones like WOLF for example), but just as much, there are a few select few who in my opinion deserve to know what had happened all those years ago, those whose loyalty and friendship were like the bright spots of some very gloomy and dark times and whether they end up understanding or wanting to reconnect with me will depend on so many things, but  it’s like my therapist says: When I’m ready to face them again, they’ll be there, but before any of that I gotta work on myself a bit first, until I feel ready for that confrontation). 

I told my therapist that the dream of my old high-school friends shunning me, made me feel torn and disgruntled cause when I woke up my feelings were that I didn’t deserve or felt worthy of having m current tumblr friends now, cause I’ll prob end up hurting them just like I hurted the others, but what’s worse is that on some level i felt sorta low-key guilty for betraying their loyalty/replacing my old high-school friends with my current ones, which is stupidly irrational, that’s not how friendships work, you can have more than just one best-friendship ya know!

The second part of this dream included me at my old high-school, visiting my old Mentor/Friend, the one that passed away from colon cancer, but he wasn’t there, and I think a part of my mind knew/was aware that he had passed away; it’s gonna sound silly, but I sorta wish he’d visit me in my dreams as a spirit or something, I mean I’ve told ya’ll about me being sorta semi-spiritual, and that I used to live in a haunted house when I was a mere youngling, so yeah a real selfish part of me believes in the afterlife and ghosts; here’s hoping he pays me a visit one of these times in my dreams more often then heh! x)

Speaking of dreams, I’ve also had dreams that I was protecting my old high-school friends, and my old mentor/friend that passed away, from these Giant Paper-Air Plane Spaceships, and the Doctor was there, it was pretty cool! :D

A lot of dreams are pretty fun actually, some have been about Team STRQ going on adventures/missions in Hyrule, or me adventuring with the Doctor ^-^

^My therapist says that I have one helluva an imagination lol x)

I tried Getting her into Doctor Who, but they took it off netflix, dammit! Dx

My therapist ended up giving me another page of helpful things to be aware of Cognitive Distortions aka irrational thoughts that can influence my emotions and how to become more aware of them, in order to stop and catch them before they start to lead me to a much darker path, aka stewing/dwelling on my repetitive negative irrational emotional-triggering thoughts or allowing them to fester long enough that they can tempt me back spiraling back into a pit of despair. 

^Def. something I gotta try hard in working on becoming more aware. o.o

My Therapy Sessions have been moved to Fridays now, so that’ll be interesting, gonna have to be going by myself now, but I think my anxiety-levels can take, so that’s really hopeful actually! :O

Speaking of hopeful things. my Therapist, my mom, and even I have all noticed that I’ve been slowly making progress/changing/become more hopeful as of late.....baby-steps......but I think I’m finally getting there! :)

But anyways that’s all for now, thanks for reading! ^_^

- Lady Nevermore

Side Note: I’ve told my therapist that I’ve finally went to the DMV and have gotten the little Driver’s Handbook, been studying the crap outta it, but they totally changed the DMV system here in my little town, so now I have to take the Knowledge/Written Permit’s Test in Vacaville, and I gotta wait till September to take said test, welp, my therapist says that on the bright side, this gives me more time to prep and study for it. ^^;

I also ended up telling her that I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, (took it 4 times, just to be sure, hell I think I ended up taking it back in 2011 after I graduated High School) and the anwser’s still the same: INFJ-T (I told her that most of it’s spot on, though I dunno if I agree with all of it), she says she’ll look into it, but that she doesn’t agree with putting labels on people, cause she believes that people tend to change, that they’re not forever stagnant, and that really really spoke to me and made me respect her in that moment, I even told her so, and she thanked me. ^^

[hobbitsetal]

2:4-8

 4 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: 6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. 7 Beloved, I am writing you no new commandment, but an old commandment that you had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word that you have heard. 8 At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. 

[might have to break out the commentaries today...]

Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 

[to know God truly is to love Him. to love Him is to keep His commandments. it’s not that God will love us if we obey Him; He loves us, therefore we obey Him.]

but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected.

[pulling out Barnes for this one: “He professes to have the love of God in his heart, and that love receives its completion or filling up by obedience to the will of God. That obedience is the proper carrying out, or the exponent of the love which exists in the heart. Love to the Saviour would be defective without that, for it is never complete without obedience. If this be the true interpretation, then the passage does not make any affirmation about sinless perfection, but it only affirms that if true love exists in the heart, it will be carried out in the life; or that love and obedience are parts of the same thing; that one will be manifested by the other; and that where obedience exists, it is the completion or perfecting of love. Besides, the apostle does not say that either the love or the obedience would be in themselves absolutely perfect; but he says that one cannot fully develop itself without the other.”

soooo...kinda just continuing the thought from verse 4. John is contrasting those people who claim to know God, but refuse to bow to Him, and those people whose lives demonstrate complete fealty to God.

By this we may know that we are in him: 6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

[honestly, this just takes me back to 1 Peter, in which Peter’s exhortations to bear persecution were all rooted in Christ and His perfect suffering. if we are of God, we should live like Christ.]

Beloved, I am writing you no new commandment, but an old commandment that you had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word that you have heard.

[do you know one thing i love about God? His consistency. from the Old Testament to the New, He remains the same. there are no inconsistencies in the Bible, only things people have misunderstood. 

Barnes says there’s differences of opinion among scholars as to which commandment John is writing of--whether the injunction to love as Christ, or the forthcoming commands to display brotherly love--but the main point here is that John is not inventing doctrines. all of this is consistent with the nature of God as displayed since the Creation.]

At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. 

[and yet it is new because, for the first time since the Fall, we are actually capable of love as commanded by God.

in the gospel of John 13:34-35, Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

there it is. a new commandment from Christ Himself to love as people who have conquered death.

we are to love as if any offense against us means less than the sins we’ve committed. to love peace, gentleness, self-control, purity, joy more than whatever selfishness tempts us. to love others more than we love ourselves. to love our enemies, because they too are made in the image of God and because they may belong to God.

to love as if we’ve been forgiven more than we could ever deserve. to love like we’re loved beyond our comprehension.

love like you belong to God.]