#and i know its irrational right?
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#anyway the most annoying this is that i have to ceck my shoes at least 3 times before putting them on because theres gonna be Spiders of not#and i know its irrational right?#WRONG. THE ONE TIME I DIDNT CHECK GUESS WHAT#so now thats gonna be a thing k have to do forever because now jts been validated#i need bugs to. stay... a mile away from me#'oh but theyre important to the environment' im mentally ill. i know theyre important bUT NOT TO ME-#my parents also making jokes that spiders seem to folllow me. THANKS. IM ALREADY GOING INSANE OVER THIS THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!!
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Birds of a Feather previous / next
#my art#feralnette au#birds of a feather#long tags#sorry I went apeshit in the tags#LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW#I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO#its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical#and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread#as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational#in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away#and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do#shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again#legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it#but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings#alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird#she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her#knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself#between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot#and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo#essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that#busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way#to show her she's self sabotaging#cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD
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i cant have an argument without crying wtf
#im not fucking sad#im not upset that im being yelled at#i know that im right#i just start crying and its so fucking humiliating#especially when arguing with my mom#like oh ok you already see me as an irrational teenager#and now im crying which makes me seem even less mature#even when im just trying to have a fucking conversation#but apparently im “having a meltdown” and overreacting??#as if youre not wtf#i thought it was universally decided that “are you on your period or something?” is annoying and demeaning#and we dont say that to other women#and all emotions are valid#even if you are on your period bc like tf#but i guess no im just an irrational teenage girl#and you can just walk away from the conversation#as if youre any more emotionally mature than me#and its over nothing#shes the most dramatic person in the world#i didnt even raise my voice#if she wants to use that demeaning ass tone#then im using it back#whatever this is stupid#ignore this
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Organizing & contamination OCD Will Solace 🤝🏼 OCPD Annabeth Chase friendship forever in my head.
#🌞#See. The point is that I think Will has severe issues with anxiety-tied organization & possibly contamination OCD (as a stretch of being#a doctor) so his behaviors mostly include anxious overthinking of organization and attempts to quench the OCD need#with rituals and compulsions. But at its core it is an anxiety disorder and I do think it's pretty much canon that Will is an anxious guy#who has his shit together because he has healthy coping mechanisms (in his idea of healthy).#Meanwhile Annabeth seems to have a strong trauma surrounding the need to fend for herself and take care about herself since she comes#from a way more unstable and hectic household than Will does. Childhood neglect and parental issues with 'Beth could easily result in#anger-tied personality disorder such as OCPD. Where the need for perfectionism and 'JUST LET ME DO IT' come not out of irrational#anxiety but rather out of a existing traumagenic personality disorder that convinced you that YOU are the only person who can do#something right.#Ultimately Will is OKAY with others taking care of things but he gets anxious when he handles things bc he overthinks.#'Beth does not overthink but she cannot handle having others take care of things bc she fended for herself her whole life & is traumatized.#But yeah also they're friends.#I am definitely not projecting bc I have organization&contamination OCD and i know how it feels.#rrverse#pjo#will solace#annabeth chase
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i love anthologies. anthologies are so sexy
#in an alternate world where im an english lit major the norton anthology of english lit is my bible#it's by no means an exhaustive overview but i really love how everything is in its neat timeline#and you get a general vibe for how literature was back then as opposed to just going in blind. u see how everything influences everything#a major (maybe a bit irrational?) fear i have is i come out of a book w superficial understanding#and while that has contributed to unfortunate reading slumps i do also like this trait of me#where i am actually focused on giving a book/period of time the respect it deserves vs just reading it flippantly#i like doing my silly little pre-read of a period of time/author before jumping into it#i don't do pre-reads for everything but there are books where i find it necessary to prime my brain for absorbing them#and anthologies are good for that#and they're also a good resource for investigating authors whose vibe sits right w u.#or for knowing the general quaintessential authors of a certain genre of lit#i also love poetry anthologies#the commentary comparing/contrasting certain authors is also rly interesting to me . ok i'll shut up now#p
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Soo how would Jules react to MC being in a relationship with any of the ROs
Die 'cause that's the only thing they are good at. (Apart from hurting others)
#i am kidding#they would be...well they would be....bitter.#they would know they have no right but they would just be so#so terribly bitter#it would feel like stinging betrayal (wow jules a taste of your own medicine huh?)#especially if mc dates jessica. they wouldnt know how to tolerate that. julian would probably lose his temper#jules is irrational. and not the good kind.#if its dylan who mc ends up dating then well#jules is stupefied because what the actual fuck#jules would feel the most supportive if its warren whom mc's in a relationship with#heather mia and aiden would affect them too but more in a#wow i never knew they were in the competition too kinda sense lol#it would be hurtful yes#but more surprising in their cases#ro : jules hawkins
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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does anyone else ever revisit their old work, and ideas, and worldbuilding, and get the panicked feeling that they passed their prime and will never write this well again? asking for a friend haha
#not me spiralling after finding an old notebook detailing a wip i worked on at the time#in such detail and just.... so well done#and i have to wonder.... where did that go?#that spark of... maybe not brilliance but just intense inspiration#its been maybe 2 or 3 years since ive had an idea i was so taken with that it was all i could think about#and i blamed it on being busy but i haven't been busy in months and i just feel..... like i lost something#i want to write so badly and sometimes i even do but nothing feels right and properly exciting#and like.... maybe i peaked. maybe what i did a few years ago was the best i could ever do#i know its irrational to think this way#and not very constructive and helpful#but ive had a bit of a bad time lately and just needed to shout into the void for a moment#at least that i can do#mina mumbles
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"If planned parenthood killed a million puppies every year then would you care?"
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU
FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID HEAD UP YOUR STANKY ASSHOLE FUCK YOU
THERE IS STILL A DISTINCT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LIVING BREATHING CREATURE AND A SOULLESS CLUMP OF CELLS NO MATTER THE SPECIES FUCK YOU
STOP WITH THIS STUPID CONTROLLING WOMB-HAVER'S BODIES AND CHOICES YOU SELF RIGHTOUS ASSHOLES
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
#THIS WAS A REAL FUCKING BILLBOARD I SAW ON THE WAY HOME TODAY#FUCK YOU#this shit makes me irrationally angry#know what its not irrational its COMPLETELY rational FUCK YOU#arti posts#arti vents#pro choice#reproductive rights#abortion is healthcare#reproductive freedom#abortion#birth control#planned parenthood#healthcare
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yet another instance of going uh oh that was more upsetting than i allowed myself to admit at the time
#being cut off really suddenly with no explanation by a long time close friend. continues to be like. oh this hurt me more than i realized#initially okay. where i know the solution to some fears im having rn is to communicate and talk with people#but due to this past friend im like scared if i ask anyone hey have i done anything to upset you are you mad at me were still friends right#that theyll get mad at me for asking or annoyed with me for having to ask that or cut me off like he did. and i know#that thats irrational. but being aware of it being irrational doesnt make it go away. anyway ill be fine its hibiki time
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kind of crazy how everything just Happens to me. like i dont really have any major specific regrets beyond just 'i wish i lived more' but even that in hindsight was kind of contingent on factors beyond my own abilities, but idk its somehow worse this way. i think i would feel less angry and adrift if id done things that landed me where i am, or i dunno just had any say in it instead of just being fuckin tossed around year after year
#boo idk its just frustrating to constantly be like. oh. well i guess this is happening now. ok.#and just having to wait until the next thing#i mean i know from another angle this is very like. woe is me guy who doesnt ever take agency#but can we be honest its not that simple in the real world lol#anyway whatever the point is i was just thinking about the past few years and i really dont regret my major choices where i had them#unrelated but AUGH i fucking hate how im like. in such a good place w my body image#(after decades of the classic dysmorphia hatred etc etc) but theres just TWO things i cant get on board with#idk its just so frustratinggggggggggggg. i guess ill just blow up#i have this totally irrational thought pattern of like. well im not even striving for conventional attractive bs right#im not skinny or modelesque or white and i dont want to be any of those things i like how i am#so i should get to change these two aspects i dislike as freebies. like i can convert being beyond status quo into bodymod points or smth ?#girl what are you talking about 😭
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Super heavy vent ahead in the tags
#bird chirps#vent#Talking about political stuff and suicidal ideation#But genuinely I cant anymore with this election. Im fucking terrified#Granted my dad’s a major pessimist and I think he lowkey enjoys others suffering#So his passionate rants about how we have no future and life isnt worth it if Trump wins definitely isnt helping#But holy shit Im actually terrified#Im trying to not crawl into the pit of despair but I really don’t know how life can go on worst case scenario#I cant delay my life four more years minimum for another recession/depression#I cant stay in this house and watch my rights get taken away#Theres just so much shit to be afraid of#And granted I live in a swing state. I think its still a swing state anyway since we tend to vote republican#So the campaigning here gets brutal#But it’s hard to stay positive when it seems like EVERYONE irl is so fucking pro trump#Im just praying theres a silent majority and that isnt the case#But God I cant fucking do this man#Situations where you have little to no control over the outcome are a fucking nightmare#I can vote so at least that’s something. But thats not enough to ease the anxiety#I need the outcome to be GUARENTEED and thats just not gonna happen#So I just sit here as shit gets worse and it’s harder to keep calm#And I dont have a good track record of having Safe Mental Health while in election times#So this just. Really fucking sucks#I hate when I get like this because it feels like such a major step back#And with an event THIS big its hard to push it all away as irrational and a mental health issue#Because my brain goes ‘Well LOGICALLY you WONT be able to go on so this is a correct way to think’#I hate it so fucking much#If Trump wins Ill pick up smoking or something. Fuck it#Deciding on an action like THAT is still less destructive than full on suicide plan#But I just. I cant fucking do this#Can I teleport to 2028 and just pray everythings okay
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tireedddddddd time to do my new favorite thing (stare at msgs between me and my bf)
#Sometimes irrational fear seeps its way into my brain and I have to remind myself that no!!! He doesn’t care if I don’t respond right away!!#He doesn’t get impatient when I’m two seconds late!!!!! He doesn’t ask me to do things with the underlying expectation for me to say yes!!!#It’s so strange to me? In a way? Sometimes I scare myself with paranoia because I worry that the smallest thing could ruin everything#But then he tells me to take my time with my work and to not rush just to talk to him and tells me it’s completely okay when I apologize#And I remember that I’m so so soooo lucky to have him because he ACTUALLY cares about me. A LOT and he lets me know that EVERY DAY#And sometimes I worry that I’m not doing enough but whenever I worry about that I just think to myself#“He’d probably send you an entire paragraph explaining how much he loves you and that you shouldn’t worry about that at all”#And I feel way way better about it….^^#S.K’s love life#I lovveeeee my bfffffffff eheheheheh
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transfem adam is good not only because it recontextualizes her actions and behaviors and beliefs in a very fascinating way (trans woman so deeply closeted she's been in the closet for several millennia with no hope of ever making it out because she's the first fucking man and she always has to be because if she isn't her whole identity and everything will fall apart so she has to be the most masculine man she can and do everything a patriarchy expects of a man and is so terrified by the idea of being a woman and bitterly jealous of women she becomes an extreme misogynist and, where that fails, she resorts to being the most self-centered violent hedonist she can to avoid ever at any point looking inward and questioning why everything feels so wrong. oh also the mask and robes oh my god the mask and robes this time on random design choice i'm going to force to align with my reading of the text but doesn't the mask and robes being Like That even slightly read as this person hates their face and body and wants to obscure them as much as possible (not my idea but i saw it and it stuck with me)) but also because it's objectively funny. turns out there wasn't a single human man in the garden of eden. first man in history was actually fucking. cain or whatever. feminism win. first human couple on earth was actually two women. lesbianism win
not that her being a trans woman makes her better in any way at all lol. even if a lot of her actions could be coping mechanisms they're still extremely shitty coping mechanisms that hurt others and make everything worse for everyone. and also she has been directly and indirectly for the deaths of at least hundreds of thousands of souls and is genocidal. i just think it makes her more interesting to think about if that makes sense.
#not maintagging this bc i don't feel super good right now#and don't want to deal with that irrational anxiety at the moment#maybe later#anyway. if i wanted to take this further#i would tie this into the themes of heaven representing#the patriarchy/masculinity/order/tradition#and hell representing#feminism/queerness/rebellion/freedom of expression#and that her defiance of her own identity throughout her life up until its end#and the way she stuck to heaven's shittiness in the ways i mentioned above#and even became representative of it#which manifested through her genocidal tendencies#something something if hell is inherently feminine her hating it so much and looking down on it#and even killing as many of its residents as she could#is a metaphor for her own misogyny and hatred of the woman she#deep down#knows that she is#wait where am i going with this#i don't know. messages there were never meant to be taken from the text and shit#i only watched the show once several months ago don't listen to me
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i'd like to get off mr bones wild ride now pls
#the original word things#this is like the most intense mental health dip i think i've ever had#and it's not even like i can work through it by saying that it's irrational anxiety and going through why that is#because it is rational anxiety#just an incredibly unlikely to happen right now anxiety#like shit nobody can stop and WILL happen just not NOW#and it's like HELLO#I KNOW THAT YOU THINK PUTTING YOUR HAND ON THE HOT STOVE IS A HALF DECENT DEFENSE MECHANISM#BUT THAT'S MALADAPTIVE SWEETIE#it's been a very exhausting two weeks and i havent even done anything#someone give me a prize i've earned it#sorry its (a) personal
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thinking about guy who said that a day (while he was hanging out with me.) was wasted because it wasn't "productive" and when i objected, he said he doesnt consider building relationships to be productive. and i think we talked about it after and got to some kind of understanding about what was meant, but i don't remember that now, and we're not in touch anymore, and it's actually exactly because he did not value me, my time, or my effort.
anyway can u imagine ? guy was like big into acid and stuff . whenevr i took acid/shroomies, i usually came out of it thinking "man, other ppl are what make life worth living" & like i may be aroace+apl but bro... spending all day chatting with my awesome ppl is a day well spent.
#god i hope that guy sets himself on fire#i despise his entire deal#its irrational and self protective and self destructive all at the same time because some part of me is convinced i am still so emotional#abt it because there's smth i wont accept abt myself that reflects what he was like to me but like.....#idk. i guess it's another case of anger subbing for fear. fear of abandonment#because he said he'd be there for me and then he bailed. because me straightforwardly saying what i thought was too much? not soft enough?#he wanted me to hold his hand and walk him through his horrible little misogynist rants. and i was supposed to be there for him too so like#idk like if we had had more of a rapport maybe i would've had more patience with him. but i think he thought he had paid for it already and#im not actually like that.#well i guess like it was never going to work out it's worthless getting stuck on this again#it just makes me angry to think the is out there somewhere going around probably (???) thinking he is in the right when he obviously owes m#a fucking apology#guy i hate#<- organizational tag#/ᐠ 🝦 ﻌ 🝦マ#idk for all i know he's wracked by guilt#lmao sorry but i hope so.#because i am.#but im the one who Got Hurt. and i really did my best not to lash out but i guess i was passive aggressive maybe.#why can i not let this go? im really asking.#vent cw
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