#and i know i’m gonna spend those days wishing i didn’t have to go home

[gregmarriage]

being mostly housebound is so weird. bc i could leave the house and have a fun day out, and then, i get home, and it’s ’oh, this again?’

[ahundredtimesover]

I Want You to Stay (13) | JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slow slow burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut

Chapter Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption; arts, business/property devt, and book publishing talk that’s probably inaccurate; mentions of injury, trauma; family drama; commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters; they're still idiots;  explicit sexual content (making out, oral (m & f receiving), body praise, mutual masturbation, protected sex)  (18+)

Chapter Word count: 29k

Series Masterlist

Status: Ongoing

Series summary: Working for Jungkook isn’t the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesn’t smile, he doesn’t appreciate you, and he gives you too much work. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. You’ve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider. And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.

Playlist 🎶: on the way home

A/N: It's here! This is a long one so I hope you enjoy and savour it all. We're close to the end! So thank you so much for all the support and love for this story 🤭🤭

And as always, my biggest thanks to @wonwoonlight  🥰

You take up Yoongi’s offer of a listening ear on Saturday, the day after your last day at the company. You spent last night wallowing in sadness over not being able to see Jungkook during your farewell dinner and in regret for not telling him what you wanted to say - that you were thankful, that you wished the Arts Center would be everything he imagined it would be, and that hopefully, you’ll see him again. 

Maybe if he showed up, you would’ve said more - that you’re terrified of everything he makes you feel, that you’re too burdened by your past, and that you want him even if you don’t know if you’re ready to be with him.

You spent much of today convincing yourself that it was better that you didn’t see him, even if you kept imagining his shy smile and the feel of his lips against yours, and then you got frustrated all over again. 

With all that’s going on in your head, you figured that spending dinner on your own today would make you feel more sorry for yourself, so you’re currently seated in front of Yoongi with your wonton soup barely touched while he’s just slurped the remaining noodles of his. 

“Your soup’s getting cold,” he nudges your foot as you mindlessly gaze at your bowl. “It’s not gonna eat itself.”

“Apparently, I don’t eat much when I’m sad,” you sigh, turning to him. 

“Well, that sucks. It’s really good soup,” he hums. 

Yoongi looks at you patiently just as he has for the past half hour. You told him you wanted to eat out, and he agreed immediately, even offering to drive you home after. But you haven’t said much since you arrived at the restaurant and he hasn’t forced you to say anything either.

“I’m sorry for not being a fun dinner partner tonight,” you say. 

“It’s okay. When I told you the other week to call me if you wanted to talk, I didn’t expect you to actually talk,” he chuckles. “I know sometimes you just need someone to be with. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. Like I said, it’s complicated,” you reply. “I can't even figure myself out.”

“It’s only complicated if you make it,” he counters. “Human beings are complex, yes. But feelings of desire aren’t. They’re quite straightforward. You want something and that should tell you everything. It’s pride and fear that complicate things. If you set those aside, then you’ll be able to figure out what you really feel.”

“What if they contradict each other?”

“The push and pull isn’t always equal though. One overpowers the other in some way. So you’re either more happy about leaving or more sad about it. And then ask yourself why.”

“I’m sad about leaving Jungkook,” you admit. “I don’t regret my decision but it doesn’t make me happy right now.”

“And why doesn’t it make you happy?”

“Because it hurt him. And then it hurt me.”

“Why did it hurt the both of you?”

“I don’t know about him,” you pout.

“Then what about you? Why did it hurt you?”

“Because he kept his distance - he replaced me, shut me out. And then he didn’t show up to my farewell dinner.”

“So what’s painful about that?” Yoongi pushes, wanting to help you make sense of things.

“Because I want him close to me,” you say quietly, letting the words sink in. You’ve always known this, but saying it to someone else somehow makes it feel more real this time. “I want him… with me.”

“Told you it was simple,” Yoongi shrugs.

“But it isn’t,” you argue.

Yoongi is a straightforward man, and you suppose the only way for him to understand is for you to tell him the truth, so that’s what you do. 

You tell him about your ties to the Jeon family, why you stayed in the company for as long as you did, all the attempts at leaving, and the plan of doing so after the Arts Center opening. You share about your life in the process - your childhood of staying at the library and your coping mechanisms, your life in Busan, going back to Daegu then leaving for Seoul, working to repay a debt, and then losing yourself because of it. You talk about the closeness you developed with Jungkook, all the times that he was there for you, the kiss and the aftermath, why you pushed him away and why you also feel bad about how he reacted. You say a bit about the things that scare you - getting hurt being one of them - and why staying for Jungkook would be difficult, and why leaving him would be the same. 

Yoongi looks at you earnestly. He’s always known about you being guarded, keeping parts of yourself that you don’t really share with others. This is the farthest you’ve let him into your world, and he sees so much of Jungkook in you. There’s that fear of not being wanted but also of being wanted; you’re scared of not being enough to be loved but also of not loving the other person enough. You’re unable to express how you feel because you don’t know if the person will respond with the same vulnerability and honesty, and you don’t like baring yourself with no one there to tell you it’s alright.  

All of it feels like how his friend is. He’s seen it since the moment Jungkook stepped foot into the office a year ago; he’s seen it everytime Jungkook disengages from you or gets mad at you; he’s seen it even when you’ve started to become comfortable with each other, and Yoongi has seen it these past weeks of Jungkook dealing with your departure, especially recently. 

“So after all that, you mean to tell me that you didn’t actually tell him how you feel?” Yoongi points out. “That he just overheard you say that you like him but you didn’t actually tell him? Not your feelings nor your fears, not your contradicting emotions, nor the fact that you want to be with him? Because I’m hearing you, ___. And all I hear is that you’ve found someone you’re willing to give your heart to but you’re too afraid to do anything about it. Even after he’s told you how he feels, because you don’t think that he would be open and honest enough to you to mean them.”

You let out a breath and pout, Yoongi’s words making it seem simpler than it actually is. In hindsight, maybe it is, because after everything that you shared, the first thing he points out is how, despite the obvious reciprocated feelings, you’re the one who’s afraid to give in.

“You talked about how Jungkook made you feel braver during the times you were scared and alone and hurt,” Yoongi says, seething at your experiences that made you look towards Jungkook for strength. “Why can’t you be brave enough for him? I mean, I get it that you want to leave the company, no one questions why you would. He did but he’s accepted it because he understands, but why do you have to let him go? Is it just because of the ties to his family? Or is it because you’re afraid of what he feels for you that isn’t tied to you being his assistant?”

His last question causes your face to fall, and Yoongi knows he’s hit a nerve.

“You’ve been living your life trying to prove that you’re more than your past, that you’re capable and that you deserve all that you have now,” he adds. “This job was your life. You told me before that you don’t know if you’d like yourself outside of it, and maybe you’re thinking that Jungkook wouldn’t, either.”

“I… don’t think I’m that great, Yoongi,” you confess. “I mean, just think about what the guys I dated said about me.”

“Those don’t count because they’re absolute jerks.”

“Even then, I… I’m terrible at a lot of things. I pull away, I get scared, I… I don’t know how to be someone’s anything. I don’t know if I want to be. I don’t know if I can, or what that even means,” you stammer. “For a second there, I let my guard down for Jungkook and—”

“He did the same and that terrifies you,” Yoongi finishes. “Being wanted back terrifies you. It’s why you feel confused and conflicted, ___. You have the chance to have something you’ve been yearning for and—”

“I’m scared I’d lose it,” you interject. “And I won’t if I don’t have it. I’m scared of heartbreak, Yoongi. I gave in when it came to Jungkook but I saw the possibilities with him and heartbreak was one of them. This is why I don’t give in to anything. I mean, it’s why I didn’t give in to you. I… I was scared we’d hurt each other and that I’d lose you and… I’m sorry I’m bringing this up now.”

“It’s good that you are,” he assures you. “Because do you see the difference? You didn’t give in to me but you did to him. You never know if the person is worth the pain until it’s there but you at least know that he’s worth a try. I wasn’t, and I don’t take offense, but that’s the point. He’s the guy you try for, ___. He’s the one you climb out your walls for. So don’t cower inside. Be brave for him this time.”

It’s a while before you’re able to say anything. The background chatter in the noodle house fades away in your mind as you take in Yoongi’s words. And he’s not wrong. 

You never told Jungkook what you felt; you didn’t know how to. You kissed him to express that, but you pushed him away just as quickly, but you never got to say anything else, especially after. And now you’re left to wonder - what was the fear really about? And what was the need to let go of him because of it?

You’re scared of a lot of things; you’re scared of every single thing you want to have. You learned some time ago that Jungkook was the same, but you think that you’re probably more terrified than he is. 

You’re a walking contradiction, too - you want to cut ties with him because it reminds you of a past you don’t want to be defined by, but in doing so, you’re cutting yourself off as what you started as - his assistant, and you’re scared to be anything else but that. You were good at it - you were competent, capable; you managed his life and the team well. But being with him means you have to be someone else for him - his partner, his companion, his lover, and you don’t know how to be those things for him. You don’t know if you’d like yourself, and so you don’t know if he’d like you if you tried. And that scares you.

But like Yoongi said, you thought Jungkook was at least worth it; you wouldn’t have kissed him if you didn’t, even if you thought it was a moment of weakness. You just have to follow through with that belief this time, and be brave enough to not just want him because you do; you have to be brave enough to let him want you back. You have to be brave enough to believe that he’ll stay. 

“How… how do I do that? How do you become brave for someone?” You finally ask. 

Yoongi relaxes in his seat, his eyes the most comforting they’ve ever been. 

“You just tell them how you feel,” he says. “You face it head on because you know that there’s something more important than a possible heartbreak, and that’s losing on the possibility of happiness with them.”

You let out a breath. You know Yoongi’s right. You’d said that you want to know how it’s like to be truly happy with Jungkook, and it’s this paralyzing fear and stubbornness that’s keeping you from finding out. But you suppose that when you’ve gotten used to keeping a lot of things in, just telling someone how you feel isn’t that easy.

“It’s hard for you, I know,” he continues, reading your mind. “But how would you learn what your heart is capable of if you don’t follow it?”

“Then you’ll just risk it getting broken,” you argue.

“You do,” he hums. “Hearts break. But it’s not the only thing they do.”

The words are simple, just as the thought is. You almost feel embarrassed that Yoongi has to remind you of these things, about the inevitability of pain and loss and how it should be worth it in the end. But the fear comes from somewhere, from a heart that’s close to your own that shattered so many times, you wondered at one point if it was still capable of loving. 

“I told you that I never met my dad, right?” You share, willing to bare a bit more of yourself to him. “He left before I was born because he wasn’t ready. But mom… Mom loved him deeply. I found a photo of them under her pillow one time and I asked her about it, and she had me lay my head on her lap while she told me about him. I was around 6 years old and probably didn’t understand much but I felt her tears drop on my cheek, and then everyday for weeks, I’d hear her cry, all alone in her room. And somehow, she just cried harder every time I hugged her.”

You remember those days. You learned what it felt like to have your heart broken at that age, and it was because of seeing your mom try to smile through glassy eyes; it was hearing her tell you that she loved you, even if the other half of you was the reason why she was hurting in the first place.

“Eventually a man came along and he made her laugh until he stopped,” you continue. “Until all he could do was hurt her. And that… that felt worse. She’d just learned to share herself again but then he just broke her. And I… I felt that, too. I felt it every time she hugged me, kissed me, covered my ears to drown out his yelling… I felt it every time I had my head on her lap so I wouldn’t see her break down.”

Your eyes wander into the streets outside, recalling those difficult years when your mother protected you, even as she was in pain herself.

“They say that a parent feels the pain their child is feeling,” you say. “I guess it’s true for children, too. I felt her pain, I felt her heart break. Her heart was my heart. And I guess ever since then I’ve just been scared for it to happen to me, knowing how much it hurts. It took years before she could recover. That was hard, too.”

“How long did it take her to give Min-woo a chance?”

“Years,” you shake your head. “She was so cautious. But he stuck around, and she realized he was worth it all. And she gained two other daughters who adore her in the process.”

“Her heart was your heart,” Yoongi repeats your words. “And all she did was love. That means your heart is capable of just as much. It’s just as strong, too.”

You’ve never thought about it that way. You've always believed that the one thing you took from your mother was her grace. Perhaps if you tried, you’d learn that you took her strength, too. Maybe her unyielding ability to care. Perhaps it’s her faith in what she was capable of no matter how broken she may be. 

“I… I needed this,” you tell Yoongi, your eyes misty at his words. “It’s been hard understanding myself lately. And you, you just know me. You know what to say all the time.”

“It’s because I risked something, too, when I told you how I felt about you all those years ago,” he replies, the reminder of his unrequited feelings no longer awkward for either of you. “And at the end of it, I learned how I could care for you, and that I could care for you much better as a friend.”

“And well, you’ve been an amazing one to me, especially this past year.”

“Good, so for my sake, especially since you and Jungkook give me so much headache,” Yoongi laughs, “remember everything I said, okay? Your heart is capable of so much. So please give it a try and follow it. I doubt it will be broken this time around.”

You spend the entirety of Sunday at home, cleaning up the place and tending to your growing collection of plants. It was a cool enough day for you to walk up the neighborhood to buy some things from the store, and as Yoongi’s words from the night before ring in your head, you find yourself hurting more at the absence of Jungkook in your life. 

There’s a new recipe for fried rice that you saw online, and he was your first thought because you think he’d like it. You read an article about Lee Jaemin in the morning where she mentioned the Arts Center, and you wanted to share it with him and gush over her words. His favorite Japanese chef has opened a new restaurant in Insadong and you wonder if he’s already tried it. The playground at the park is closed because they’re doing repairs after you told the council about how rusted the swings have become at Jungkook’s suggestion. 

They’re little things, really, and you realize even more just how much of yourself you’ve shared with him, and how much of himself he’s shared as well. Whatever lines that were drawn up due to your respective positions were crossed long ago, even before that kiss. It started when you both started to care for each other, and when you both started to wish for the other’s happiness and healing. On your end, you’d hoped you’d be a part of that and that he’d be a part of yours. You don’t think that has changed though.

There are still many things you want to share with him, you realize again, especially on that Monday afternoon when you find yourself at Rkive Publishing for your contract signing that has you looking at Namjoon in question. 

“Are… are you sure?“ you ask him, as you read through the document. 

He’d sent a version of this for your review a few days ago and you’d given your verbal confirmation. You expected to come today to just sign the contract, but he asked you to review it again since he made a few changes. The salary is one of them. 

“Are you asking me if I’m sure of offering you a higher compensation package?” Namjoon raises an eyebrow, clearly amused. 

“Y-yes?” You say. “I mean, not that I don’t prefer it but… why?” 

You knew that working for a smaller organization, and for a publishing company at that, despite having a higher position and more responsibilities meant that your pay wouldn’t be significantly different from what you were getting at the Jeon Corporation. You’d accepted that, and it was something you’d talked about with Namjoon. But still, this little bit of increase is something you hadn’t expected.

“We’ll, let���s just say that we’ve had many applicants in the past who oversold themselves. You did the opposite,” he responds. “You impressed me and the panel enough with your resume and interview and we thought you were a good fit but that recommendation letter from your company’s President showed us just how qualified you were, and that there’s so much potential there. I was also able to speak with your most recent boss.”

“VP Jeon?”

“Yes, I was on a call with him last Friday. He elaborated on the strengths you’d mentioned and that Mr. Jung had noted,” Namjoon responds. “They’re top executives of a well-known company who have worked closely with you, who saw your growth, and can attest to your potential. Given all those qualities, we thought it was just fair that we increase your compensation. We’ve learned it’s important to trust and be committed to our staff, and this is how we show that.”

“This… this is deeply appreciated,” you manage to say, not realizing just how valuable the references were. You check to see that your responsibilities didn’t change much, so you know that this is really them, believing in your worth.

“We’re looking to expand in the next few years and are working towards establishing our position in the industry,” he adds. “We don’t just need competent individuals - we need leaders, we need people of good character who can embody all the things that we stand for. We’re trying to build something here and someone like you would be a wonderful asset. You can help us grow, ___. And I, well,” he continues, shyly smiling. “I just really wanted to make sure that we got a good start. Your role is critical. It’s also one of the toughest ones out there and I wanna show you that we want you here. I mean, I was sure a lot of companies were trying to get you and we’d have to compete for you.”

“I was already convinced early on, Namjoon,” you assure him. “To be honest, meeting you at the bookstore that day felt like some sign from the universe that it was time for me to carve my own path. I guess I didn’t just need a new environment, I needed a blank slate, too, where I could start over and feel like I was really doing this for myself, that I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone else, not even to me.”

“Glad I took a chance on talking to you, then, even if I sort of freaked you out,” he chuckles. “I’m still sorry about that.”

“It was fine,” you laugh. “In hindsight, I’m also glad you did. I told you, it was a moment that stuck with me. It’s what pushed me to learn about what you’re all doing here, to learn about you. I… I do well when I’m surrounded by good people, by those who believe in their work, and those who believe in others. I know it won’t be easy but I already know I’ll thrive here. So thank you for giving me this chance, too.”

You and Namjoon talk some more and then lock in a date for your first day. You agree to start in three weeks - that gives you enough time to properly rest and mentally prepare yourself for this new phase. You’ll still be in a fast-paced and high-stress environment, but you’ll control your time and directly manage a team. Everything’s going to be new, and you want to be ready when it all happens, which is also why you’ll be doing your onboarding a few days before. 

“I wanted to give this to you,” he says, handing you a book as he walks you out the door. “I always give one to new staff as a form of welcome because books are our heart and soul, you know?”

“This is lovely, Namjoon,” you smile at him. “This will definitely be my companion for the next few weeks.”

“Good. It’s always meaningful to have something tangible like this,” he smiles back. 

There’s warmth in the way he does it, as if every time he talks about books, it elicits special memories. You think being around someone like that will be good for you, as you try to hold onto good memories yourself despite the sadness you still feel.

“I hope you like it,” he says before bidding you goodbye. 

You walk through the neighborhood and picture yourself going through this route everyday. It’s definitely nothing like the busy streets that you’re used to. There are more trees and quaint cafes and boutique stores here, and even just this change is already making you feel lighter; you can imagine getting over your stress with surroundings like this. You suppose that’s how Namjoon remains as calm and hopeful as he is despite his responsibilities - there’s so much energy you get just being outdoors, and it’s something you decide you’ll do today. 

You have all the time in the world now, so you grab coffee then head to a park to enjoy the early summer cool air. 

The book that Namjoon gave you is a novel published five years ago about a woman who quit her job in search of herself. You don’t think it’s a coincidence, as in such a short time, you've come to know him as a thoughtful man who’s very assuring, and you suppose this is his way of telling you that everything will be okay as you take on this new journey alongside him. The bright color palette of the design seems to reflect the hopeful subject of the book, and right as you’re about to start reading, the sound of children laughing catches your attention.

There’s a playground nearby, and your mind immediately goes to Jungkook. There’s an image of him looking happy and safe in a place that made him feel those things that you keep in your heart. You don’t know how he looks like as a child but you can somehow imagine a little boy riding the swing and coming down the slide with the softest smile and thinking that he can do and be anything he wants, that he feels capable enough for it, and that he’s able to share that joy with whoever who’s with him.

You think about earlier when Namjoon was talking about your capabilities and how you were able to see yourself the way Jungkook and Hoseok see you as a professional. You think about how it felt being supported that way, how their trust and confidence in you made you trust and be confident in yourself, too. There’s this pride you feel at being able to make that much of an impression on your new boss early on and there’s no stress, there’s no pressure. 

Sure, you want to show that all those aren’t empty words, but there’s no urge to prove yourself that you earned your spot unlike how you’ve been these past nine years. There’s just this desire to live - work is a part of it but so is reading stories, meeting people and learning about them, walking through quiet streets and appreciating the sunlight peeking through the trees. There’s this yearning to experience the day and not just survive it. 

You look at the book in your hands and know that someday, you’ll be holding one that you had a hand in creating. And it would be something that you poured your heart and soul into, one that you experienced in its entirety, and it would make you so happy knowing that you could touch it, that you can hear it, that you can see the story come to life in your mind.

You trace your fingers down the front cover and realize that this beautiful thing is tangible. And then you realize another thing - happiness is tangible, too. You’d felt it, you’d heard it. You’d seen it smile at you. You’d felt its lips against yours, too, but then you pulled away and became too afraid to take it back. Happiness was so close - it breathed you in, it held you close; it wanted you, and you were too scared to let it stay.

You spent so many years chasing it. You’d found it in your friends and your new family, but there was always something more that you wanted, one that you couldn’t find. Until him. And you’re slowly learning just how painful it is to let it slip away.

Jungkook stays in your mind for the rest of the evening, and you find yourself wanting to share about your day. 

You want to tell him that you felt a little shy when Namjoon was praising you but that you felt proud of yourself. And that you wanted to thank him. 

You want to tell Jungkook that your new work environment is quite charming, that the surrounding areas are inspiring, and that you might just start spending time outdoors from now on. And that you wish you get to explore it with him. 

You want to tell him that you’re excited to start your new job and that you’ll maybe start reading books because you’ll have a hand in creating the finished products. And that you want to share that with him, maybe make him read it, too.

You want to tell him that you’re sorry. That you shouldn’t have doubted what he felt, that you should've stood by your feelings regardless and fought for them. You want to tell him that you don’t regret quitting, but that you regret losing him in the process. That no matter how hard you try, he’s still the one you look for, the one you want to talk about your day with, the one you want to share your dream and hopes to. 

Jungkook has made you feel free in a way that you hadn’t before - an irony, considering that working for his family made you feel constricted, burdened, stagnant. But there are so many possibilities with him, so many reasons - to smile, to be brave, to hope, to yearn for more, to believe that you deserve good things that you can touch. And you want to know what those are like; you don’t want to lose out on that chance and lose him completely. 

Perhaps all you had to do was free your heart so it could feel what it’s supposed to. Like what Yoongi said, maybe you just had to follow it to know what it could do. 

It’s why on Thursday of that week, you find yourself inside his office with an envelope in hand, as you hope that actually freeing your heart and following it isn’t too late. 

You were scheduled to come today so you could get your final pay and sign some documents with HR. You arrived mid-morning and got to those right away. It didn’t take long, which is why you were able to pass by Hoseok’s office to update him about your new job and thank him for the recommendation. You headed to the support team’s office after, and they were quick to make lunch plans with you. Jungkook’s at the Arts Center, they said, so they can take their break in half an hour, but they can’t be out long. There are lots of things they have to do with the opening happening on Friday of the next week.

Lucas told you that he’d found some of your supplies that you’d left and they’re in a drawer in his desk, and you told him that you could get them yourself. They were easy to find, and you took the time to leave little notes for him in between folders and files; you figured that finding them on days when he doesn’t expect them could give him encouragement somehow. 

Jungkook’s door was slightly opened, and you took the chance to enter and take in a piece of him. The last time you were here, it felt like there was so much you still couldn’t say, there were feelings you were too afraid to face and words you weren’t sure he wanted to hear. Being back here, you feel a lot braver, and you know it matters that now, you’re trying to be brave for him. 

You stand in front of his desk, almost cradling the letter you’d written last night. You’ve spent the past days outdoors, finding cafes and quaint spots in areas that you’ve never explored before. You’ve been reading the book, too, and the more time you spent by yourself - not being tired, not being stressed, not feeling lost or burdened - the more you realized just how much you’ve been missing and yearning for things. And that you deserved whatever it was you wanted, and that included Jungkook. 

The life you’d started to live without him convinced you that the intimacy and connection you’ve been desiring is something you can find with him. You want to know what that’s like; you want to know how happy you could be with him, and you’ll only know it if you express it to him this time. You owe it to him to do that; you’re scared that any more time apart will push both of you farther away, too far to pull the other back because the anchor wasn’t set securely in the first place. You don’t want him to be your what if; you don’t want him to be your biggest regret.

Telling him how you felt was another thing, though, and writing a letter took you longer than expected. You don’t know how he’ll take it, but you could only hope he’ll see your sincerity through it, and that he’ll still want you, even if it took you quite a while to accept what he felt, too.

His desk isn’t as organized as it usually is, but you place the envelope on top of a folder of blueprints that you know he’s going to get to soon. You know how he is - he always likes his things in their proper place. The center is the urgent pile so you know he’s gonna find this once he gets back and that maybe, he’ll go to you right after, hopefully to tell you that he still wants you, that he still wants to be with you, and that like he’d asked before, you’ll figure things out together. 

There’s fear just as there’s excitement. You hope at the end of all this, you’ll find yourself in his arms - everything forgiven, with nothing but more good memories you’ll create. 

You head out to lunch with the team shortly after and hold off on asking how Jungkook’s doing or about the changes in the Arts Center. Everyone looks tired enough as it is and you don’t want them thinking about work during their break, so you settle on talking about your new job and how excited you are. They’ll be supporting the books, they say; you can’t help but think again about how much you want to share them with Jungkook, too. 

You spend the rest of the day at home, waiting for that phone call from him or perhaps, his knock on your door. You’re unsure if he’ll come today; you don’t want to think that he wouldn’t, even if he has reasons not to want to see you anymore after what you’ve done. 

But the hope lives, as you convince yourself in the evening that maybe he got back to the office late and hadn’t seen your letter. 

You do the same thing the next day - you stay at home, hesitant to leave in case he comes, and then tell yourself that there’s a reason why he hasn’t shown up at your door yet. 

You do it again the day after, then the next, and then again.

The hope remained but it has now withered away. It’s Tuesday afternoon, and he still hasn’t come.

Jungkook sinks in the seat of his desk, breathing heavily as he tries to catch a break. It’s not much, but it’s the only moment he has of complete silence where he forces himself to not do or think about anything. He gives himself only ten minutes each day for this, other than when he’s sleeping. He does it only between meetings or calls or visits to the Arts Center, which he fits all in one day. 

It’s only 2PM on Thursday but it might as well be late on a Friday evening. He’s exhausted, as if he hasn’t rested for days, as if he hasn’t been sleeping properly, and as if he hasn’t stopped working. And all of those are true. 

Ever since he’d decided on making changes in the Arts Center, he’s been going nonstop. From drawing up the design, purchasing materials, to constructing the room, Jungkook has been doing it all, on top of managing the rest of the work being done. He’s employed the help of Yoongi and a project manager to help him, but Jungkook has been the one making all the decisions, and that definitely didn’t go well with his father. 

He caught the ire of the old man right away, with the CEO scolding him for doing this weeks before the opening and for going over budget, which is why Jungkook stays in the Arts Center most of the day, going in the afternoon and then staying or returning at night, doing the manual labor himself so he doesn’t have to pay more for the workers. He paints the walls as well as some of the furniture, and that’s taken so much of him these past weeks, especially his time, time that he’d taken away from seeing you. 

He wasn’t really present during your last days at the company. He approved all your leaves and he was sincere about having you take them, but during the days when you were in the office, he was barely there. He was either physically at the Center or his mind was. 

Other times, he was performing his executive functions, with Hoseok reminding him of his Vice President duties. Jungkook had neglected some of them, as evidenced by his messy desk that’s giving him a headache. He’s always been organized with his things but not recently, not when all he’s been doing is working himself to the bone like what he’s used to. But this has more at stake for him; this isn’t just some structure or room he’s building. It’s so much more.

One other thing he’s been doing is regretting that he wasn’t there during your last day to bid you goodbye and to see you for the last time, it seemed like. He wished you well and thanked you, even if there was more he wanted to say. He knew he wouldn’t be able to, and he wouldn’t have handled lingering, too, if that would give you a chance to say something more to him that would make him express what he’s really feeling, and he’s scared that would push you further away. 

He was never good at that. The one time he told you what he wanted and felt, things didn’t go right - the timing was off, you doubted his sincerity, and there was so much you kept hidden from him. He hasn’t known what to do nor say since then, which is why he’s doing what he’s doing for you. It’s more than the words he doesn’t know how to say; it’s something he won’t regret as it expresses everything that’s been in his heart, and it’s lasting, it’s constant, it’s comforting; it’s everything he wants to be for you. 

But then again, all this work kept him from seeing you for the last time, and it’s a reminder again of how he’s been living his life - diverting his attention to other things instead of facing what’s important. 

There’s not much he can do now, though. Everything has been completed. All the certifications have been secured, all the invitations are out, the promotion for the opening is all over social media, and the support team is on top of everything that’ll take place tomorrow. With the end of it just within reach, he’s able to take a breath, and it’s why he’s able to extend his short break to 15 minutes. 

The Arts Center is being cleaned and security checked, so he has no choice but to stay away from it until it opens tomorrow. So right now, he has the time to work on his other responsibilities, such as draft plans for a project that Hoseok’s working on that he’d asked Jungkook to review. 

“I had Lucas leave the blueprints on your desk last week,” the older man says over the phone after being asked if the files are still with him. “You should see it right away. It was urgent so I told him to put it at the center.”

“Well, that’s one of many that’s apparently urgent,” Jungkook sighs as he sees the pile of documents in front of him. It seems like he’s neglected a lot of other things this past week. “When did you say you left them?”

“Thursday morning,” Hoseok responds. “You would’ve seen them immediately.”

“I would’ve… except I haven’t really been at my desk in days.”

Which is the truth. Jungkook has been sitting on his desk only to go through his emails and then signing documents that Lucas gives him before heading to meetings and the Arts Center. It’s been his schedule this entire week, which is why he hadn’t seen the designs that Hoseok’s talking about. And as Jungkook goes through the pile - of memos for checking, of studies from Yoongi - he sees something else that makes his heart drop.

The last time he found an envelope on his desk with your handwriting on it, his world took a complete turn. He remembers reading that resignation letter and thinking that he’d really screwed things up, that life wasn’t going to be the same without you next to him everyday, and that there was no way he could have you again after how things turned out. 

He doesn’t know what to expect with this, not when he hasn’t seen you in days, and not when he doesn’t know how you’re doing right now.

“Kook?” Hoseok says on the other end after the prolonged silence. “Are you still there?”

“Did ___ come to the office this week?” 

“She was here last Thursday. She signed some HR stuff and dropped by my room. Why?”

“She… she left a letter on my desk.”

“Oh… What does it say?”

“I… I haven’t opened it. I’m not sure I’m ready to know what’s inside,” Jungkook says, his hands trembling as he places it back down.

“It could be many things but you won’t know unless you read it,” Hoseok responds. “Both of you have been keeping your feelings to each other from each other, Kook. This… this might be something that changes that.”

“Did… did she say anything to you when she visited?”

“Just about her job. She seems content and excited. Whatever else she feels, I’m pretty sure it’s in there. So read it, and don’t worry about the designs. Those can wait.”

Jungkook drops the call, noting that he’ll thank his cousin later on. This letter is the most important thing right now, even if he’s nervous about what’s written on it. 

He finally opens the envelope and the first thing he sees are pictures - one of an empty playground, and another one of you on the swing, smiling. It’s been weeks without your smile, and remembering how much comfort it’s given him is what makes him calm down; it’s what makes him have the courage to read through the letter.

Jungkook,

I took the photo of the playground during my birthday trip using the gift you got me. We passed by a park on the way to one of the towns and we stayed there for a while. It was so beautiful, so peaceful. I felt a kind of comfort I’ve never felt before, and it made me think of how I feel when I’m around you. 

I was thinking of you, too, when Soomin took my photo. I seem to do that a lot, I’ve learned. I think of you and smile, and there’s this unfamiliar feeling of joy. There’s this yearning to feel it everyday, and that scares me. We kissed and the desire for you scared me even more. So did the thought that I can’t be what you need me to be despite what we feel, and that there's a possibility I’d get hurt along the way. 

But I learned that what scares me the most is losing you.

I don’t regret leaving, but I regret how I did it, and I’m so sorry for everything. I wish I got to tell you what I really felt, and I wish I realized much sooner that the happiness I’ve been looking for is one I can find with you. 

I’m scared of many things, Jungkook, but you make me braver. This is me being brave for you. Please come and find me. I hope it’s not too late. 

XX

Jungkook reads the letter one more time. It’s nothing like he imagined but everything he hoped. You’ve wanted him all this time; you still want him after everything. He senses the sadness and the hope in your words, and they’re things he feels, too. 

You want him to find you. And just like you, he hopes it’s not too late. 

He rushes out of his room and instructs Lucas to cancel all his meetings for the day. Jungkook heads to the support team’s office to tell Mr. Ri that there’s somewhere important they need to go. 

“Where to?” The older man asks once they get inside the car.

“___’s place,” Jungkook pants. “Get there as fast as you can.”

Mr. Ri doesn’t ask any more questions. He drives off and merely glances at the rear view mirror. 

“We’ll get to her,” he says. “One way or another, we’ll get to her.”

Jungkook could only hope, but when he gets to your apartment and finds it empty, that hope slowly fades. He’d call you but that’s not how he wants to fix things, he thinks. That’s not how he wants to ask you to be with him. He probably won’t even be able to say what he really means. So he tries one more, knocking and calling out your name, but no one comes.

“She’s not here,” someone calls out. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Jungkook turns around and finds your elderly neighbor, a woman he’d seen that one day he visited you after you got injured. You’ve mentioned her a few times and how she sends over food on some nights and invites you for tea on some weekends. She looks kind and warm, and definitely curious.

“She… she asked me to find her,” he says dejectedly. “But I didn’t know she wanted me to. I didn’t see her letter right away and now… now it’s too late.”

“You’re the man she was waiting for,” she hums, walking closer. “She’s right, you’re very handsome.”

“She… she talked about me?”

“A few times. I asked about how she got home when she hurt her ankle and she said you helped her,” the woman smiles. “I don’t see anybody visit her other than her friends. And I’ve known her for years; I haven’t seen any other man she’s allowed in her home in all that time, nor has she talked about one. I knew then you meant a lot to her. But she said things were too complicated and that always held her back.”

“That always held me back, too,” he responds. He’d smile at the thought that you’ve talked about him, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re gone. There’s a reason why you stopped waiting. “Has she been well?”

“She has. She seems to have more life in her now. I always felt like her old job tired her out so much,” she says. “She’s excited to start fresh, and I’m proud of her. Oftentimes we stay in one place for too long and we just lose ourselves in it, you know? We lose sight of the things that make us happy and it was really brave of her to leave behind everything she’s known.”

“It was. I know that now,” Jungkook sighs. “Did she say if she found it? What makes her happy?”

“She did. She said she found you.”

The words hit him, as he knows it’s the same for him. You may have found each other in the place you’ve both been in for so long, but it’s losing each other that perhaps made you both realize what it was you couldn’t live without. Letting each other go showed what happiness actually looked like, and that neither of you wanted to be without it anymore.

“I found her too late, I think.”

“That’s for her to decide, though. You won’t know unless you look for her,” she hints. 

“When did she leave?”

“Tuesday afternoon. That was just two days ago. I doubt she’s changed her mind,” she smiles again. “Well, I’d love to stay here and chat but I have some grandchildren to pick up. And I believe you have someone to find.”

“I think I do,” he responds, the nervousness evident in his voice. “Thank you, ma’am.”

“You’re welcome,” she hums. “Get to her, okay? She deserves someone who won’t give up on her.”

You don’t, Jungkook agrees, as he nods in goodbye and heads back to the car. That’s not something he will do this time. All he’s done was let his fears and worries speak for him these past months and he doesn’t want to do that anymore, not when there’s more of you that he’ll lose. 

“She’s not home,” Jungkook responds to Mr. Ri’s questioning look. “I… I didn’t get to her in time.”

“Where to, then?”

Jungkook breaks as he imagines you in your apartment, waiting for him, wondering when he’d call or knock on your door. He can’t imagine you still doing that after he made you wait, but the one thing he’ll do this time is go to where you are and tell you everything he needs to. 

After the heartbreak he caused, he assumes you’d go to either your family or your friends. He remembers the way you’d talked about your mom in the past, and how her comfort was always the one you sought.

“Do you mind driving to Daegu?” Jungkook asks. 

“Not at all,” Mr. Ri smiles. “I figure she’ll be there, too.”

The long drive feels that much longer with Jungkook in the passenger seat, just looking out the window and watching the buildings and houses pass him by. He turns to the man next to him every once in a while, asking about how you were during your last weeks in the office.

“She was trying her best, making sure she had everything organized. She spent a lot of time with the team, too, and I think that lessened her guilt, because she felt that,” Mr. Ri shares. “She hated that she had to leave at this time, but I knew it meant a lot to her that she was finally doing it.”

Jungkook hums, thankful that the team assured you that it was all okay. But still, he wondered some more, and the look on his face is something that the older man reads. 

“She hated that she had to leave you, too,” Mr. Ri adds. “I think it mattered to her that she didn’t feel tied to your family through you, even if she was always going to be. It mattered that she made that choice to leave you, that she came to terms with who she is and her past and decided that it didn’t matter, that she still wanted you despite all of that.”

“You sound hopeful,” Jungkook laughs dryly. “That makes one of us.”

“You can tell how much someone cares by how they hurt, Jungkook. And during her farewell dinner when you didn’t show up, she… she was hurt,” Mr. Ri says. “I had to wipe her tears that night. I think that’s also when she realized how much she really felt for you, when she saw what life could be like without you and knew it wouldn’t make her happy.”

Knowing he made you cry again when he wasn’t there on your last day frustrates Jungkook. He held himself back that time, thinking that a short goodbye would be better for both of you. Then he spent the rest of the day at the Arts Center and he’d completely forgotten about the dinner. In his mind, he already let you go; seeing you another time would pain him again. But that’s what hurt you in return. 

“Why are you going after her now?” Mr. Ri bursts through his thoughts. “After all these weeks of avoiding her, of convincing yourself that letting her go was the right decision, why now?”

“It hurts so much without her. I guess it’s how I know.”

The older man gives a satisfied smile. He always knew that only both of you could decide for yourselves when the pain was too much because only both of you would really know what to do about it. You've done your part and now it’s Jungkook’s turn.

They make it to your neighborhood in over three hours, with only one stop over at a service center. It’s the house in the corner, Mr. Ri says, and realizing that you’re so close again, Jungkook starts getting anxious. He doesn’t exactly know what to say. He supposes that coming out here to see you on a work day is enough of a statement, and maybe you’ll both just take it from there.

The car stops and he looks at the man to his left, as if pleading to take the lead for now. 

“Aish,” Mr. Ri huffs. “Are you really gonna make me ring the doorbell and ask for her after driving you all the way here?”

“Yes,” Jungkook pouts. “I… I don’t know what to say. What if she doesn’t wanna see me because I made her wait too long? What if she’s angry? What if she realized while waiting for me that she made a mistake?”

“Over three hours sitting in the car and that’s what you came up with? That she’s angry?” Mr. Ri scowls. “Don’t make me think you’re hopeless.”

“Please?” 

The older man sighs, thinking that Jungkook just needs time to pull himself together before facing you. 

They both get out of the car, with Jungkook standing on the side of the entryway, hiding behind the shrubs just in case you answer the door. 

Mr. Ri rings the doorbell and not long after, the gate opens. And for all the years that Jungkook has known the older man - with his firm and often stoic disposition - this is the first time that he’s ever seen his face soften, the gentle smile appearing and lingering. There’s a beat of silence, a moment of appreciation it seems, before he says anything.

“Hye-soo. It’s so nice to see you again.”

“Byung-hun,” the woman greets. “It’s been so long. When was the last time we saw each other? Was it ___’s 25th birthday?”

“I think it was. That was a really great day. Your house looked much different back then.”

“Who knew an old house needed repairs and renovations to stay up,” she laughs. “But it all worked out. We’ve got more space now.”

“Space enough for Yoon-chae and Yeo-jin to run about?” Mr. Ri chuckles. “I remember their tag game then. They complained how it always ended so fast. But ___ also told me they’ve grown up so much now. And that they adore you. How’s it like raising teenagers at this time?”

“Ah, difficult,” she chuckles. “But it’s wonderful. They… they truly see me as their mother and I… I get to do things right this time.”

“Hey, you always did,” he comforts, having seen her do everything she could for you. “No one could’ve raised and loved ___ better than you. You got through the toughest times because of that.”

“With a little help, of course,” she smiles. “You know I couldn’t have done it without you. And years later, you’re still looking out for her. That means the world to me.”

She’s where all my love goes to, Mr. Ri doesn’t say. He knew early on that the only way to not lose himself in losing her is to care for the one person she loves the most - you.

“And you? Have you been well?” Hye-soo asks. 

“As well as I could be,” he hums. “The stress isn’t the same as when I was working next to Jae-sung but he still tasked me to babysit his son; that in itself is a bit tough.”

“And why is that?” Hye-soo giggles, knowing there’s affection in his words.

“He’s a bit of a hard-head, you know? Pretty stubborn, too, just like his father,” Mr. Ri laments, disregarding the scrunched eyebrows of the man just meters away from him. “And he makes me drive all the way out here, only to be scared to face the woman he’s been looking for.”

“Is that so?” Hye-soo asks, picking up on the man in front of him gesturing towards the side. “I hope he knows that he has nothing to be afraid of.”

Mr. Ri finally turns to Jungkook, motioning for him to get out of hiding and do what he came here for. Jungkook sighs in his place, thinking that this is the first time he’s meeting your mother, and it’s after he’d made you wait and think that he doesn’t feel the same way. With his head bowed down, he walks towards the gate. 

There’s a softness on his face when he looks up, and Hye-soo beams in delight at how the man she hasn’t seen in over 20 years looks very much like the 10-year old boy who used to quietly draw cars and houses on the Jeon mansion living room floor. It’s that same shyness and those same wide and curious eyes that made her have a soft spot for the younger son. They reminded her so much of you. 

“Jungkook,” she says with such warmth. “You’ve grown up so well. It’s nice to see you after all these years.”

She definitely has your smile. It’s welcoming and assuring and perhaps the one thing he didn’t know he needed before seeing you. There’s so much comfort in her eyes, and there’s this subtle strength that she exudes, one that’s oddly giving him the courage to face you. 

“Mrs. Cho,” he bows. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I wish it was because of other reasons, though.”

“What’s wrong about the reason you have today?” She wonders. 

“A lot of things,” he sighs.

“Nonsense. You’re here. That’s all that matters,” she smiles. “Would you like to come in?”

“That would be great.”

Jungkook follows inside while Mr. Ri opts to stay behind. 

There’s something special about entering someone’s house. People spend time and energy to make it feel like home, to make it be a place of safety and warmth. It’s a place filled with all the things they care about, of all the things they love. 

Jungkook never designed the places he’s lived in; an irony, considering his profession. But his residences have always been a place for him to just move into, to just sleep and eat and work at. They’ve always been… empty - grand, expensive, well-designed, but empty. They’re superficial, he would say, a reflection of what he’s always felt. Which is also why he never really welcomes anyone other than his friends. The women he used to bring home don’t count - he’d let them in and make them leave; he never makes them stay long enough to be comfortable, to feel like they belong there. Sometimes he doesn’t feel like he belongs there, either, as if it’s a place reserved just for him to feel alone in. 

And so being welcomed in someone else’s home feels different. You’d done it to him, and being in your apartment both times made him feel at ease and familiar. Now, your mother welcomes him to the place where you grew up and it feels the same - there’s that comfort, that sense of nostalgia, even if he knows he’s never been here before.

“Welcome to our humble mansion,” your mother says. “Please, feel at home. Would you like some tea?”

“Uh, yes. Tea is fine,” he bows.

She heads to the kitchen and Jungkook is left to look around. It’s not a small house but it’s not large, either. He’s in the middle of a spacious living room, with shelves lining up the walls - one has family pictures in it, the other one has books and small framed paintings. The dining and kitchen are to the right; on the left is a hallway that seems to lead towards the bedrooms. There’s a screened door that also leads out the backyard. 

The entire space is airy, with lots of natural light coming through the windows. He spots some renovations done over time, as there’s some mismatch of materials, something only trained eyes could see. But they’re done well, and he could see the love that created this home for all of you. 

Your mother returns with two cups and places them on the table. She asks him to sit down, and Jungkook makes himself comfortable, facing the door as he gazes out at the sky and admires the beautiful changing of the colors. He knows you’d probably admire how it looks, too.

She observes him - nervous as he meets her eyes, a kind of desperation and fear evident as he constantly shifts on his seat. He’s grown up so much, but he’s still that shy little boy she remembers meeting all those years ago. She used to regularly go to the Jeon estate for some private events, and she won’t forget how Jungkook was the son who always kept to himself, content with a sketchpad and some crayons or riding the swing in his custom-built playground. 

“Do you remember me at all?” She wonders. 

“No,” he shakes his head. “Did I see you often?”

“A handful of times,” she responds. “Your father introduced me to you and your brother when I first started and I’d see you whenever I had to go to your house. But you were always so shy.”

“I was, but I… I wasn’t really good at paying attention. And I guess, there were a lot of things from when I was younger that I don’t remember,” he explains. 

The faraway look in his eyes says that there’s more to that, that they aren’t just things he doesn’t remember but they’re memories he tries not to, that he blocks out. 

“I’m sorry about what you had to go through as a child,” your mother says, having wanted to express her apology for years, knowing how much the experience haunted him. “I involved your parents in a very personal matter and that deeply affected your family. It affected you.”

“It wasn’t your fault. And I know it wasn’t my parents’, either,” he sighs, feeling regret over the resentment he felt and the distance he created. 

“They were just trying to protect you. I hope you know that now.”

“I do,” he hums. “Do you… do you know what happened that night? In the woods?”

“Byung-hun told me,” she nods. “I’ve never seen him so broken over not finding you sooner. He carried that guilt with him, too, that he didn’t look out for you the way he should’ve.”

“I… I didn’t know that.”

“That man feels a lot even if he doesn’t show it. He’s got the biggest heart that I know and he cares for you so much,” she smiles. “A lot of people do. That includes my daughter.”

At the mention of you, Jungkook’s eyes perk up, the softness mixed with sadness evident once more.

“She and I didn’t want our ties to your family to be known,” she explains. “It was a way for us to move on from all that happened. But in no way did she mean to deceive you. She… she would talk about you with such admiration and fondness. And you showed her that it was okay to let people in, that it could be worth it to follow her heart. She’d hoped that you could see past her decisions and know that she was sincere about everything. That she was sincere about what she felt for you.”

“I… I know that now.”

“And I suppose that’s why you’re here?”

“It is,” he sighs, wanting so badly to see you, even if he doesn’t know how to say everything he wants to. “Is she around?”

There’s a prolonged silence after his question, and your mother’s eyes flit to the far end of the house before they return to him. 

“She, uh, she picked up the girls from school and decided to have dinner out and watch the movies,” she excuses. “I’m not quite sure what time they’ll arrive. And it’s a shame that you came all the way here. Is there anything you want me to tell her?”

Jungkook debates whether he should wait to say all this to you, perhaps when you’re ready and able to see him, or to say what he can now, knowing it’s important that he gets to express whatever he can at this moment, knowing it will get to you somehow. 

But he also doesn’t know how much longer he can hold everything in. All the emotions he feels for you - the regret, the yearning, the desire to have you next to him - have been festering and he just needs to say them. Maybe doing so in front of your mother might be a bit of pressure, but if there’s anyone who can relay all this to you, it would be her.

“There’s a lot of things I’m not good at, Mrs. Cho. Opening myself up is one of them,” he starts. “But your daughter, she… she showed me that it wasn’t so bad. That it’s something I’m capable of doing, and that it’s safe to do that with her. Even when I distanced myself, she didn’t go anywhere, and that does a lot for a person.”

“She’s quite stubborn, isn’t she?” Your mother laughs, remembering those hard times when she’d tell you to get ready for bed, with you disobeying her because you wanted to hold her hand while she cried.

“She is,” he echoes. “It’s one of the reasons why I like her. One of many, actually. She’s also so patient and gentle and understanding… everything I’m not but… all the things I want to be for her. And I wish I’d told her all this when I had the chance but I was so blinded by my own needs that I… I eventually pushed her away. But she was still the one to reach out. She left that letter but I only saw it today and I…”

“Came all the way here to see her,” she finishes. 

“Is it too late, do you think?”

“Between the both of us, not at all,” your mother smiles. “She’s all those things you said but she’s human, Jungkook. She gets scared, too, and hard-headed and tired and upset because she feels so much when she allows herself to do that. And sometimes she needs someone to just show her that it’s worth it, that having fears is valid but that they’re not the only things out there. And you being here… I think it’s what she needs.”

She pauses so he could process her words, meeting his eyes so he could feel them even more. 

“You’re all she thinks about, you know? She likes being home with us and she’s excited for her new job but I can tell that there’s something missing. And I know that's you.”

“She’s all I think about, too,” he expresses, feeling more at ease now. “It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I am, I just always think about being with her. And I know that made her doubt, too. I’ve gotten so used to her presence but that’s not out of necessity. I’m not… a boss when I’m with her. I’m just… me. Because she made me see myself as someone beyond all that I do, someone worthy, and it’s that person who wants her, who needs her.”

Jungkook bows his head, angry at himself as all the words come out now, at a time when you’re not in front of him to hear them, to see that he means all of them. For weeks, all the things you said rang in his mind and every time you were in front of him, there were so many things he wanted to say but he never could, afraid of your rejection, of losing you for good. Now they’re out in the open, but somehow the words don’t seem enough. He realizes that when it comes to what he feels for you, nothing is. 

“These are the things I should’ve said to her but I just got overwhelmed at the thought of losing her,” he continues. “I don’t want that, Mrs. Cho. I don’t want to lose your daughter. I want to be with her and tell her that she doesn’t have to be scared anymore, that I want to protect her and take care of her. I want to make her happy.”

It’s the most he’s said about how he feels for you, and he feels quite overwhelmed about expressing them. But he has to say them. You have to know, even if you’re not the one in front of him. They’ll get to you, he’s sure of it.

“I know she wants that, too, Jungkook. And seeing you now, I just know you’ll find your way to each other again, and you’ll both be free from whatever it was that was holding you back,” she assures. “But if it’s not too much, do you mind being a little patient with her this time?”

“Of course,” he nods, knowing that everything that’s happened could make you a bit cautious again, and that’s not something he could blame you for. He’ll give you as much time as you need, and you’ll be the one to find him once you’re ready. “I’ll just be where I always am. And uh, the Arts Center opens tomorrow. It would be great if she could come.”

“She’ll know where to find you,” she smiles. 

He feels that he’s said all that he could, so he finishes his tea and stands up. He remembers that he bought something for you, initially hoping that it would make you smile once he gave them. 

“Could you, uh, could you give this to her?” He asks, handing your mother a plastic bag, somehow feeling ashamed that this is all he got as a peace offering. 

She peeks inside, her eyes widening in delight.

“Chocopie?” 

“Yeah,” he smiles shyly. “I would’ve given her flowers but I just thought this would make her happier. ___ told me that it’s her favorite because you’d give it to her as a treat while she waited for you to get off work at the school. She said it always made her day.”

“This was your favorite, too, wasn’t it?” Your mother asks. 

“It was. My mother said I always hoarded the ones she’d bring home and wouldn’t share it with anyone,” Jungkook chuckles, recalling those days of stacking them in his room and quietly eating them while he drew houses on his drawing pad. 

“You shared it to ___, though,” she says.

It catches him by surprise. He’s never done that, as far as he knows. This is the first time he’s even getting it for you. 

“That night those years ago, after I told your father what was happening, he offered us to stay at the staff house of your family’s estate until I’ve sorted things out,” she recalls. “We were in the living room while your parents talked to me and there was little ___, hiding behind my legs. I noticed her let go for a bit and that’s when I saw you, handing her some chocopie. She was always a shy kid but she took what you were giving, and I remember the smile on her face. Everything was new and scary for her and that… that was the first time she smiled that day. And I’ll never forget it.”

Jungkook stands in silence, as much of his memories from those years have been buried deep in his mind. He remembers hiding away whenever there were visitors at home but perhaps he looked on, curious about the girl who seemed scared and maybe something prompted him to share the treat with you, and something pushed you to take it. 

“I thought she was just being nice,” your mother continues. “She didn’t really like sweets then but she ate the ones you gave her. And when I’d take her to the convenience store after that, it’s what she always picked out. I’ve just been getting it for her since then, and that’s probably what she remembers but it was you, Jungkook. You’re why I bought it for her every time.”

“We’ve… we’ve met before. And I didn’t even know,” he manages to say, thinking now about the familiarity of your presence and the need to always look out for you. 

It’s something he always wondered about, how someone could just pull him in and make him feel things he’d never felt before - that comfort, that warmth, that desire to be good for someone else. It turns out, he’d felt those long before he knew much about the world. And while so many things happened that got both of you here, there’s still something serendipitous about not realizing you met as kids, and then finding each other decades later. There’s all this pain and sadness between the both of you, much of them intertwined, but at the end of it, you heal each other, you make each other stronger, braver. 

“She didn’t know, either,” your mother hums. “And this just means that she always kept something of you from that day. Without realizing it, you were always a good memory that she kept; you let her forget the bad things even though she'd forgotten about you, too. It’s how I know that even if she’s not the one in front of you right now, her heart will always search for you.”

Your mother’s smile is reassuring, as if she knows that it’s what he needs. He’d meant to find you today and tell you everything he feels, but somehow he believes it would’ve been hard for him to do that, and so expressing it is all he could do. He feels like he’s gotten so much despite not seeing you though. Learning that missing part of his childhood that had you in it is overwhelming enough, but perhaps it reinforces what he’s known all along - that his heart will also always search for you, it’ll always find you, and it will always be what he wants to hold close to him.

“Thank you for welcoming me to your home, Mrs. Cho,” he says as he bows another time and heads out to leave. “It means a lot meeting you today.”

“It does for me, too,” she states, leading him towards the door and out to the street where Mr. Ri waits. “And thank you for being good to my daughter. She’ll find you. You have to trust that she will.”

He nods, knowing he’ll just have to have faith in what you feel for him. And he hopes that as he walks away and gives you the space you need, you’ll trust in what he feels for you, too.

Your mother bids you and Mr. Ri goodbye, the longing look between friends hitting Jungkook deeply. They’re each other’s what if’s, and while one was able to live out another love, the other kept living out the one he let go of. It’s painful, and Jungkook now can’t imagine making that choice of letting you go completely. 

Love is a big word. It’s something he’s forgotten how to feel. He knows there’s still so much more to experience with you and love could be one thing, and that’s a possibility he’s sure he wants to live out one day.

He enters the car and sighs as he sinks in his seat. It’s been a long day and an even longer trip back home, but Mr. Ri insists that they take it.

The older man starts the car and looks dejectedly to his side. “So, she wasn’t there, huh?”

It takes a while but Jungkook answers. “She was.”

It’s a wild guess, but somehow he knew you were there, probably inside one of the opened rooms or in the hallway, just meters away from him but still so far away. Your mother had said you were out, but the way her eyes constantly flitted elsewhere, the way she gave him the time and space to just talk and express his feelings, and the fact that she’d shared that story about both of you meeting as children as if she meant to say it to you, too, all told him that you were right there. 

Maybe you hadn’t expected him to come. Maybe you didn’t know what to say this time. Or maybe you thought that seeing you would leave him tongue-tied again, unable to express everything he means, and you wouldn’t be wrong. He just focused on what he felt and not the right things to say or how you’d react at that moment, and he supposes that allowed him to be vulnerable, too. 

“And you’re not there with her because?” Mr. Ri wonders. 

“Because she needs time,” Jungkook states. “And it’s the least I could give her. And I’ll wait until she’s ready. We’ve spent all these months avoiding each other, thinking that letting each other go is the way to move forward but I… I know that’s not what I want. She is. And I’ll show her I mean it.”

“Well, you went to her. And that’s not all you’re doing.”

“I’m not good with words, you know that,” Jungkook shakes his head.

“I do. She knows that, too. So when she sees everything that you’ve done… she’ll know you mean it.”

It's the assurance that Jungkook needs, and he’ll hold onto that, too, until the time you find him again. Right now, he’ll focus on the Arts Center - he owes it to you to make sure that all the work you put into it is worth it. He knows you’ll want that, too. 

The long drive to Daegu had him think about how much of yourself you’ve given to the project that means the world to him. You may have done so because it was your job, but he can’t help but think that in the midst of it, you saw what he was yearning for, what he was trying to attain for himself, and that it mattered to you that he did. 

Jungkook and Mr. Ri go to a restaurant for dinner on the way back to Seoul, and the serious expression on the older man’s face has returned. This is his default state, but his soft, longing look is something that Jungkook won’t forget soon.

“How was it like seeing her after all these years?” Jungkook wonders. “Does… does it still hurt, knowing what could have been and the life she lives now?”

It takes a while but Mr. Ri finally replies. “In an alternate universe, Hye-soo and I are living with our family on some farm. We talked about that a few times, about wanting to grow old in a place that’s peaceful,” he recalls, all those long drives and hectic days becoming worth it whenever he shared them with her. “But this is the universe and lifetime I’m living now. The decisions I made brought me here, but they also set her free. You’ve met her, you’ve seen her home. She’s happy where she is and even if it’s not next to me, that’s the life I always wish she’d have.”

Jungkook hums, unable to fully comprehend the heartbreak of letting someone go like that, and then seeing them live a life that he could’ve shared with them. Thinking about meeting you at a park or something years from now, perhaps with a husband or children, and then wondering what would’ve happened if he didn’t let you go plagues him. That’s not the life he wants. It’s not a decision he wants to make, and he could only hope that neither do you. 

He looks across at the man in front of him with all that love for the woman he can’t have, and Jungkook wonders where all of that goes, recalling a conversation from not long ago, when Mr. Ri first revealed about a woman he’s held onto for years. 

“Does it all go to ___, then? All that love?” 

“It does,” Mr. Ri hums. “It also goes to your family, Jungkook. It goes to you. Those have kept me going all these years and they always will, so seeing you and ___ care for each other means a lot to me, too.”

It’s a comforting thought, knowing that at the end of everything, Mr. Ri still finds happiness in others, that he hasn’t allowed himself to fall into a kind of despair that paralyzes him. Jungkook recalls growing up and seeing the older man always by his father’s side, joining him on his trips and then coming back with some treats that he gives to Jungkook and his brother. When he was in Singapore, Mr. Ri visited often, showing up whenever he had a project launch. Jungkook also knows that he stayed in Canada for a few months, helping Jeong-sik recover after an accident left him with broken limbs. 

And there was that incident that Jungkook carries with him, how he was powerless and alone under the rain but it was Mr. Ri who searched for him, who didn’t give up, who dealt with that guilt for years. And Jungkook doesn’t know if he’s ever thanked the man for all he’s done. 

They engage in light talk for the rest of dinner. Jungkook offers to drive the rest of the way home, insisting that it’s a way for him to preoccupy himself instead of thinking about you. They spend it recalling his growing up years, how he slowly isolated himself, and then how he gradually opened up again. The older man expresses how proud he is, that regardless of what happens after all this, Jungkook pursued his happiness, and that’s what matters.

“Thank you, for uh, for everything,” Jungkook says as he exits the car, hoping that his simple words would convey all his emotions. 

There’s a softness on Mr. Ri’s face this time, one that Jungkook has seen only twice in his lifetime, both of which were today. It speaks of care and warmth; he knows now that it also speaks of love.

You lay on your mother’s lap, needing the comfort you always felt whenever she held you close and ran her fingers through your hair. It’s something she always did when you were a child, and she knows that despite having grown up, you need it now just as much as you did before. She doesn’t say much, letting the silence of your bedroom envelope the both of you this Thursday evening. 

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions this past week, and today pretty much took you on a deep plunge that has you holding onto your chest and wanting the stability of being on the ground. After you left that letter on Jungkook’s desk last Thursday, you stayed in your apartment and waited for days. 

In hindsight, maybe it was silly that you stayed put when you could’ve called or gone back to his office in an attempt to talk to him. But you weren’t sure what he was feeling, if he was harboring resentment for how you chose to leave, or if he was too busy with the Arts Center opening to even think about you. He kept himself busy during your last weeks after all, and he missed your farewell dinner, too. 

That letter was your way of expressing yourself without the fear of outright rejection. And giving him that decision to find you was your way of telling him that it was his call, that if he still wanted you, you’d be waiting for him. And that’s what you did, day in and day out - you waited for that knock on the door or for the ring of your phone. 

It drove you crazy, thinking that you could be with him already, but the possibility of him also deciding that that’s no longer what he wanted plagued your mind; it’s what kept you from making that call or paying him a visit. There was that part of you that couldn’t help but think that he might’ve wanted things to just remain as they are. It made you realize that despite taking that step of being brave, there was still fear within you that held you back.

The hope dwindled by the weekend despite the comforting conversation you had with your neighbor, and on Tuesday afternoon, the sadness took over. You packed your bags and decided that if you were to get over this, being with your family is where you need to be. You knew your mother would convince you to wait for Jungkook a little longer. She’d be the reasonable one and say that maybe he’d missed the letter. And she may be right, but if you were to pursue him again, you knew you needed to be around people you loved to give you back that strength and confidence.

It turns out, your mother was right. Jungkook did miss the letter. It took him days to see it, and he didn’t waste his time and went to find you right away. Perhaps that certainty that you’ve been needing is what turns out to be the one that overwhelms you in the end. You walked out of your room to find him in your living room, and you froze. You stayed rooted in that hallway, listening to him talk about what he felt for you, and all you could do was hug your knees as you sat on the floor, taking his words in, hoping they’d heal your heart as quickly as his silence broke it.

“Do you think he knew I was there?” You look up to your mother in question. 

“I think he did,” she hums. “I doubt he would’ve said as much as he did to me, someone he’s just met, unless he knew you could hear him. He had this look on his eyes - it was sad and sincere, full of regret but also of hope. And it just felt like was baring himself right there, hoping you’d know exactly what he felt.”

You think about it. Knowing Jungkook, he wouldn’t have let himself be that vulnerable to someone that easily, even if it was in front of your mother. He’s not always able to express himself to you, and maybe that’s why. Maybe like you, he loses his words and caves in in front of the person he wants. It’s happened so many times to you, and it’s one reason you chose a letter to express your feelings; saying it to him directly with all the uncertainties just terrified you. 

But he’d been bold, he’d been honest. And you got to hear his every word, and you believed all of it.

“Why didn’t you want to see him?” she asks, given that you’d shaken your head when she looked at you after he’d asked if you were around. “What were you so afraid of?”

“I don’t know,” you sigh. “It felt so long being without him, and I was holding onto this hope after leaving that letter and then the wait just… it discouraged me. Somehow seeing him there paralyzed me a little,” you explain. “Suddenly I wasn’t ready. I had all these feelings that were hanging in the air and to hear that he returned all those was just… I… I was overwhelmed because he was finally within reach.”

“Both of you are in this constant push and pull that’s keeping you from each other,” she points out. “At some point, you’ll have to just get over the fear and meet him where he is and he’ll have to do the same. No one wins in fear, darling. Weren’t you the one who told me I owed it to myself to give Min-woo a chance? You’re the one who said it was better to be scared with him next to me than to be scared alone.”

“Easy to say that when I’m on the outside, it seems,” you chuckle. “I get what you were feeling then, mom, and I understand now how hard it must’ve been.”

“That’s true, so you’re gonna have to trust me that what you said was true - it was better that I was scared with him next to me than if I was alone,” she repeats. “But I made that choice and it was the best one, because I can’t be any happier than I am now because I let him love me, and I allowed myself to love him. You and Jungkook could do that. You just have to trust that it’s all worth it.”

You nod. At the end of the day, you know it makes a difference that it’s your mother reminding you all of this. It’s her pain that you carried, it’s why you were always scared of opening up and sharing your whole self to another person. And it’s also why it matters that it’s her happiness that she reminds you of that pushes you to get over your fear, or at least, to choose to be with Jungkook in spite of it. 

She tucks you in bed and tells you to get some sleep now. It’ll be a busy day tomorrow, she says, as you have to make that long trip back to Seoul in time for the Arts Center opening. 

“As your mother, I’m kicking you out of my house,” she teases. “You are to head out there and tell that man how you really feel, okay? I won’t allow you back here until he’s with you.”

“That’s unfair,” you pout.

“It is, but so is keeping yourself away from him,” she shakes her head. “You take after me so much. Stop being stubborn.”

You laugh this time, knowing that while it’s that stubbornness that pushed Jungkook to open up to you, it’s that same trait that’s keeping you away from him.

“I will. And I’ll head out tomorrow,” you promise. “I’m so tired of being sad.”

“Good. No one gets tired from being happy, so that’s what you should try to be.”

Jungkook stares at himself in the mirror, tightening his necktie and then spending half a minute to determine if it’s aligned or not. 

It’s something he’s started doing. It’s been weeks since you left and stopped doing it for him, and even if Lucas has pointed out a few times that it was crooked, the younger man never really attempted to fix it. Jungkook didn’t really have a choice but to learn how to do it himself. For an architect with trained eyes, he’s ironically terrible at assessing something as simple as this. He never knows if he’s done it right, and he’ll always be amazed at how you do it. 

He finally decides he’s done it correctly, and he takes his coat to complete his look for the biggest day of his professional life. He opts for the classic suit this time, needing that refinement and elegance that a Kim Taehyung tailored outfit gives. Despite his best friend’s suggestions of trying something a little different, Jungkook insisted that simple is what he wants - the attention shouldn’t be on him, adamant that a textured charcoal ensemble would do its job. The pattern differentiates it from an ordinary suit so he at least doesn’t blend in too much and it’s a good compromise. You agreed with him on this months ago, and hearing you assure him that it looks good on him is something he’s missing.

He shakes his head at the thought. Here he is again, his mind going to you. Perhaps it’s his body’s way of dealing with the nerves; somehow thinking of you calms him down even if you’re not around. You’ve always had that effect on him, and with the unveiling of most important project of his life as the company’s Vice President, that composure and confidence is what he needs. 

It doesn’t stop him from wishing that you’d taken to heart what he said yesterday, not just about what he feels but about finding him. You know most of the details of today’s opening, and if you wanted to, you’d come to show your support even if he kept you in the dark during your last weeks. And if you really wanted to, you’d come to tell him that you want to be with him, and that you’re not going to walk away this time. 

It’s difficult to have today, of all days, be somewhat of a determinant of how things are going to go for both of you. He’ll definitely wait for as long as he needs to until you’re ready to face him again, but if it’s not today, he’s afraid there’s more that’s holding you back, and that not getting to you early on must’ve really hurt you. 

But he’ll keep on, as so much has happened for this day to be as successful as he hopes it to be. Hoseok constantly reminds him of the entire team’s hard work and that it’s what will pull him through. But beyond the expectations from his parents and the Board and past the importance for the artists involved, this was Jungkook’s dream as a professional, and he made it happen. He’ll hold out hope until the last moment that he’ll see you there, though, but if he doesn’t, he’ll just have to deal with your absence like he’s been doing these past weeks.

Jungkook exits his bedroom and gets approving looks from his best friends who’ll be his support system for today. He’d gone to the Arts Center early in the morning despite last night’s long trip back to Seoul, wanting to make sure that everything was okay. It took some reprimanding from his father to finally go home to fix up, the older man claiming that Jungkook will need to collect himself before all the activities in the afternoon. 

There’s an interview with the Culture Minister, a press conference right after, and an afternoon tea spread in the nearby hotel for all the artists whose work will be exhibited for the opening - all before the ceremony scheduled for 5PM. It’s a big day and an even bigger evening, and he’ll have to preserve his energy and learn to manage, and it’s the first big event without you. He knows it’ll be hard, so do his friends, which is why they're here to show their support and lend their energy when needed.

“You look like the star of the show,” Seokjin praises. “It’s a really good suit.”

“The stars of the show are the artists, actually,” Jungkook corrects. “And the public. It isn’t me.”

“Too bad. It’s a simple suit but you’re styled to still get attention so own it,” Taehyung states. “You look really good, Kook. So chin up, okay? It’s all gonna be fine.”

Jungkook tries to smile, hoping that faking it would eventually make it look real.

“We know it’s tough and you wish you could share it with ___, but just think that she’d want you to enjoy this either way,” Seokjin comforts. “You also owe it to her to give it your best today.”

He knows his friends are right. So many things had to come together for today to happen. Everyone involved did their parts. He heard that there’s so much buzz on social media about the Arts Center and the registration that opened to the public exceeded expectations, and that’s only the beginning. Thinking of all the possibilities excites him, and he’ll hold onto that to get him through the day. Or the week and even beyond that, if needed. 

Jungkook nods and thanks his friends, saying that it means a lot that they’re there for him. It catches them by surprise because he’s not one to easily express gratitude or any level of sentimentality. They suppose it’s what having you around had done for him, and maybe losing you also reminded him of the importance of being vulnerable. 

They head to the hotel that’s one block away from the Arts Center. Jungkook goes through the interview with ease, and with the support of his father, Hoseok, Ji-woo, and Lucas, he manages the press conference, too. He takes some time to collect himself after all that engagement, then he proceeds to the event hall to meet with the artists, curators, and craftspeople and show his appreciation. 

He feels a sense of accomplishment already just knowing that they’re as excited as he is. The inaugural exhibitions feature their work, and the products created to commemorate them are all beautiful. It’s truly come together, he thinks, and he allows himself to feel pride for the first time, knowing that more than the structure, it’s the connections and the art that they’re all celebrating, and it’s what he always hoped to achieve with this project.

It’s not long after when he finds himself in the Arts Center, first doing the customary ribbon cutting with his father and the Culture Minister before entering the lobby where he’ll give the formal welcome and signal the official opening of the center. 

It feels different with so many people present, all awaiting to see how the structure was renovated and what new features they’ll look forward to. There’s a buzz of excitement that Jungkook internalizes, as he sits on a chair by the stage. He watches on as his father and cousins go around to meet the guests, opting to save his energy for his speech. It’s the feel of his mother’s touch that makes him realize he’s shaking, and he turns to her and is met with her warm smile. It’s been a while since he allowed that to comfort him, and at this moment, it’s what he needs. 

“It already looks gorgeous, son,” she assures him. “And you’re going to do amazing up there. People listen when you talk, and they believe in what you say. I’ve seen it. So just trust in yourself, okay? At the end of the day, the structure speaks for itself, and that’s what the people will remember.”

“Thank you, mother,” Jungkook smiles back. “And thank you for staying here with me. And uh, for all the other project launches that you attended.”

“Of course, Jungkook. I’ll always be there to support you,” she says. “Anything that makes you happy makes me happy. Anything that you work on will be something I’m proud of. Never forget that.”

He nods, feeling a little lighter the more he accepts the love and support of those around him. He never really knew what that felt like, and he knows that’s all on him. He’ll try to change that now, and he supposes that expressing and receiving gratitude is one thing that he took from you. He just hopes he gets to have an opportunity to thank you again - he wouldn’t have done any of this without you.

Chin-sun approaches him to say that they’ll begin shortly, and Jungkook looks at the growing crowd one last time, that sliver of hope that he’ll see you keeping him going. There are so many moving parts to this entire project, but he knows he’s not alone. After tonight, he can breathe easy and look back at the year that’s passed and know that he put his all into this, and that it turned out to be exactly how he imagined it to be. 

It’s not long after when the program begins. CEO Jeon gives his opening remarks, followed by the Culture Minister, before Jungkook takes the stage. It’s a much longer speech he gives this time, as he wants to make sure that he gets to thoughtfully express his hope and purpose for the Arts Center. He talks briefly about its conception and then delves into the ideas of connection and intimacy, how he wants art to be experienced by people as both spectators and creators, and that he wants this to be a hub for people to create meaning, all while celebrating Korean culture in an environment that reflects the merging of tradition and modernism. 

He keeps his eye contact with the audience, and he sees their warm reception to his words. A video plays to introduce the artists and craftspeople who are featured, and then he ends with thanking everyone who was involved in the process - from the laborers, suppliers, and contractors, to the Board, the investors, and the executive team. He gives a special message to his project team and management support team, asking them to join him on stage because they deserve all the praise for how the Center turned out. 

There’s a resounding applause, and once that’s settled, he finally asks for all the doors to be opened. 

“There are so many things to explore here,” he says. “Please savor every space you enter and take your time. The meaning of art is something only you could define but the beauty is in the experience, and the experience is even more fulfilling when it is shared. Thank you very much and have a good evening.”

He watches the crowd disperse and he releases a breath. The night is far from over and the toughest part for him is just about to start, and that’s going around to see how everything is being received. His mother greets him after, congratulating him again. Hoseok and Ji-woo tell him how proud they are, and his father gives him that assuring nod, with words expressing pride and encouragement accompanying it. 

Jungkook quickly meets the team and gives instructions on how to divide and conquer before he heads to one of the performance halls. He sees Yoongi hanging around and there’s a warm smile on his friend’s face, a rarity because it’s not usually directed at him.

“You’re getting the hang of these speeches,” Yoongi hums. “___ would be proud.”

“Only if she’d heard it,” Jungkook sighs. “I looked around but I didn’t see her. Do you… do you know if she’s here?”

Yoongi shakes his head. “I haven’t heard from her. I’m sorry.”

Jungkook nods, knowing he’ll slowly have to accept that maybe you’re not ready yet, or that asking you to find him here at a time when there are so many people might have been too much. There’s hope that you’ll give him a call or maybe meet him at another time. He understands what you must’ve felt while you waited for him, and he hates himself for making you go through that. It’s excruciating being on the receiving end of it, and it’s only been a few hours. 

“Let me know if you see her,” Jungkook instructs. “I’ll just be…”

“Around,” Yoongi chuckles. “I will. But your job continues, so go out there and find out what people are saying. I’ll be on the lookout for her.”

Jungkook thanks him and continues visiting the different halls, engaging with the artists and Board members and some other visitors along the way. He searches for your face in every space he enters, exiting them in disappointment when he doesn’t find you there. His heart slowly breaks, and he hangs on for a little longer until he starts to feel too much, with the tiredness from being on the go the entire day getting to him. 

It’s a hard call but he decides to leave. Hoseok assures him that it’s okay; he’s talked to every important person already and that’s enough. People will explore for as long as the Center is open, and he’s got the project and support teams to hold the fort for him. There’s not much else he needs to do anyway; their subsidiary company tasked to manage the operations has already taken over, and Jungkook’s main tasks have been fulfilled. It eases him, knowing that he’s not abandoning anyone by deciding to step out. 

As the hours go by with no sight of you, the heavier he feels. He needs time alone, not just because his battery’s gone out but also to just wallow in the sadness. It’s pitiful but it seems better than constantly hoping he’d see you here while being surrounded by so many people.

He goes to one final area before heading out. It’s the most special one, the one he dedicates to you, the one he hopes you’d one day see and know that he thought of you everyday, even during the days when it didn’t seem like it. He wonders if you’ll like it, if it would remind you of what you grew up with, and if it would be a place for you to feel safe and free and happy in, all the things he’d wished you’d feel with him.

One last look and there’s still no sign of you. He calls Mr. Ri and asks to be dropped off at the office. It seems like a better place to be in when he’s sad and upset. 

The building is empty on a Friday night. Everyone’s either at the Arts Center or gone home and he’s ironically the one craving for the loneliness of this place. He’s committed himself to his job for a decade and doesn’t know much of who he is outside of it. He learned a bit of that in the midst of the biggest change he’s experienced and the most challenging year he’s had, and it was through you. 

He learned that he’s actually quite caring, that there’s a protective side to him, that he steps up and shows up when he’s needed, and that he finds joy and peace in the outdoors. He’s passionate and a perfectionist but he wants to be a bit spontaneous, too. He makes mistakes and can apologize for them. He’s capable of kindness and in some instances, enjoys the company of other people with whom he can observe and laugh with. Being alone often made him feel lonely, and he realized that he’s someone who craves companionship, who wants intimacy, and that he’s someone willing to be vulnerable and share himself with the right person. And while he tends to be impatient most times, with you, he’s willing to wait. And for you, he’ll try to be better.

He enters his office and lets the silence envelope him. The city looks alive from his window but there’s dullness from within. He’ll get over it, he thinks, but until then, that sadness will remain for as long as you’re not in his life, for as long as you’re not next to him.

You look at yourself in the mirror, the elegance of your rose-colored midi dress a contrast to the stress painted all over your face. You give yourself only a few seconds to admire how you look - there’s a bit of that sexiness from the v-neckline and front slit, and the flutter sleeves and other vintage details lend to a classic look. Your hair isn’t as fixed as you want and your makeup is too pale for your liking, but with time no longer on your side, those are the least of your problems. 

You couldn’t sleep last night despite your mother insisting that you get some rest. The image of Jungkook leaving your house plagued your mind. You should’ve ran after him and told him that you were sorry, that it doesn’t matter anymore if you waited, for as long as he found you. You should’ve stopped him to say that you wanted to be with him, that you were done with running away from what you really wanted, and that you’re willing to always be brave for as long as he held your hand and eased your worries. You should’ve gone back to Seoul with him, but you’d been too overwhelmed to move, to speak, to chase after what you’ve been yearning for. 

Deciding to come to the Arts Center opening wasn’t always certain. You knew you were going to visit one day. You worked hard on it, too, and you wanted to show your support even if Jungkook would never know. But when he asked you to find him there, you knew you had to go right away. You imagined him making that speech that you helped him draft months ago, donned in the gray outfit that Taehyung was proud to make for him. You envisioned the smile he’d have on as he looked around to see all his plans come to life and the visitors taking it all in. 

You just didn’t expect to sleep through your alarm and then miss the train by a minute. The travel wasn’t bad. The chocopies that Jungkook got you kept you satisfied the entire trip, but it was halfway back to Seoul when you realized that you didn’t have anything nice enough to wear. The ones you have are either too formal, too casual, or meant for a night out. 

Taehyung had designed a dress for you but you said it was no longer necessary after you resigned; it was fortunate that he hadn’t started making it yet, and so the guilt wasn’t too much. You didn’t want to go to the opening in just anything. While it mattered to get there, you didn’t want to get any attention, and so dressing appropriately was your plan. Everything else in your closet would make you look underdressed, and you made the quick decision to pass by a store and grab the first nice dress you could find and then head home. 

The clock was ticking, and it didn’t help that you got stuck in traffic on the way to your apartment, and that a vehicular accident at the intersection outside your village forced the cab driver to take a longer route to the Arts Center. Before you knew it, the sun had set, and the program was over, and Jungkook would probably now be in the midst of engaging with so many important people and you don’t want any of the attention that your arrival might bring. 

You finally make it though, and while minutes ago you were stressed and just desperate to make it to the Arts Center, now that you’re here, you’re quite nervous. You’ll face him again after so long, and the fact that happiness would be within reach brings about an unfamiliar feeling. But you also can’t wait to experience it. It’s a kind of joy and contentment you’ve only dreamt about, and you’ll finally know what it’s like.

Exiting the cab, you look around in awe. From this view, you could imagine the sunset framing the main building so beautifully. You enter the lobby and it’s even more spacious than you remember. Perhaps it’s the absence of all the laborers and materials on the floor. Now, it��s just this open space with art pieces placed around. The floor-to-ceiling windows would bring so much light in. It was one of the big changes to the old structure, and with the moonlight shining through, it feels as if there’s a natural spotlight on the art pieces. 

You’re enamored by the grandness of it all. Even more by the many people around, perhaps taking their time in exploring all that the Center has to offer. It’s such a massive space that it’s impossible to absorb everything after one go around, and you already can’t wait to take it all in the next time you visit.

It’s tempting to get lost in it but right now, your priority is finding Jungkook, but as you’re about to head to the second floor, Do-hyun’s whisper-yelling of your name catches your attention. She gives you a tight hug and there’s suddenly an air of sentimentality as the old team is together once again. It was just a year ago when you all took on the biggest project together and after all the highs and lows, it’s finally here. And while you missed out on the final weeks of preparations, they assure you that you’re just as much a part of those as they are. 

“You had to deal with the last minute changes, though,” you insist. “That must’ve been hard.”

“Only at the beginning,” Chin-sun says. “We were barely involved. We just helped with procurement but Mr. Jeon was the one who worked tirelessly on it. He had just two other people help him construct it and I guess that’s why he spent so much time there. But it turned out beautifully, and you wouldn’t have known it was only an addition.”

“Wha-what is it?” You ask, the curiousity taking a front seat for now. 

“It’s—”

“It’s something you need to see for yourself,” a familiar voice says. 

You all turn around and bow at the sight of CEO Jeon. He looks at you and smiles, gesturing towards one of the doors. You excuse yourself from the team and follow the older man, walking next to him in silence. 

“I was worried you weren’t going to come tonight,” he says. “I think that so was Jungkook.”

“I… I tried to come earlier but there was all this traffic and… I, uh, how did he do?” You ask. 

“Great, as always,” CEO Jeon answers. “He had everything under control and managed all the socializing impressively. He’s come a long way, hasn’t he?”

“He has,” you smile, recalling the anxiousness that he used to feel at just remembering names and keeping up with people’s energy. 

“He’s come a long way in other aspects, too. Smiling, believing in himself, being kinder to himself… it’s great to witness,” the older man continues. “And standing by and caring for someone the way he did with you, that was… that was new, too.”

“I didn’t intend on feeling this way for him, sir,” you say, recalling that the last time you spoke, you weren’t ready to talk about it. “And I tried to suppress it, and that pushed him away but I guess, sometimes we lose people for a reason; we find them again for a reason, too.” It’s a statement that CEO Jeon had told you the last time you talked, and it’s one that stuck with you. “I’m here to find him again.”

“Good. I was hoping you would, so at least I’d know that all this wasn’t in vain,” he chuckles. “And I really do hope you see his heart with this, ___. He takes after me, and I didn’t realize just how much until he came up with this plan.”

You lose him for a bit, suddenly unsure of what he means. CEO Jeon notices, so he gestures towards his right and you follow his lead, and that’s when you see it. Your eyes widen in shock, and you can’t help but gasp at the space before you.

“He’s not always good with words but he tries. And this is how he does it.”

You noted entering the grand library as he spoke. The walls and design were familiar, as you’d gone in here during your last few visits. But this area that you walk into is new. It’s not a large space but it feels like it now. It used to be a section of historical books and archived materials that were put on display, almost like a museum of literary artifacts that a historian had sold off. But it’s nothing like that now.

The glass enclosures have been replaced by shelves and bookcases, all easily accessible and reachable by anyone. The framed walls are no more - instead, there are reading nooks and character murals painted artistically, bringing them to life outside of the books they only lived in. The lights are not blinding; they’re warm and inviting, illuminating a space that makes you want to just sit or even lie in, especially with the large stuffed animals spread across. The chairs aren’t the same, too; there are couches all around, all soft and comfortable, decorated with knitted dolls and colorful pillows. 

You walk further, mouth agape as you take in every inch of the space that brings back so many memories from your childhood. This place is new but familiar. It looks nothing but everything like that neighborhood-run library that your mom used to take you to. Towards the back is a little activity area, with a large, leveled table and a row of shelves filled with coloring books and paper dolls. 

You feel chills as you realize what this place is supposed to be, and who this was meant for. 

You remember the first time you told Jungkook about this. It was after that incident at the restaurant. He took you to a park and told you how the playground was his favorite place, how it made him feel free and safe, how it allowed him to just be himself and imagine doing and being everything he wanted. You shared a piece of your childhood, too, and described that library you frequented, how you felt sad that you didn’t get to say goodbye to it, and that you hadn’t seen a place like that again.

But now you have. That last minute change that he made… It was this. 

You turn towards CEO Jeon and try to find the words to say but nothing comes out. You’re overwhelmed by what you see, by the memories they elicit, and by all the emotions overtaking you all at once. 

“Jungkook called me one evening and said that he was going to re-do the archive section in the library,” the older man says. “He wasn’t asking for my approval because it was his project, he’d said, but he just wanted to let me know. He made all the decisions and most of the design. He painted the walls and some of the furniture, too. He spent every afternoon here and stayed until the evening. He barely rested. He just… he just wanted this done. It was so important to him.”

“I… I told him about a place like this, that I used to go to,” you manage to find your voice now. “He never saw it but it… it looks like this.”

“Maybe you described it really well,” CEO Jeon smiles. “It’s how he’s always been. Just a few words and then it comes alive in his mind.”

“That’s why this Center is as beautiful as it is,” you hum. “He’s good at that, bringing to life everything that he envisions.”

“It’s his way of saying the things he can’t say, too. It’s something he got from me, I think. I’m not good with words either,” he admits. “So when Byung-hun told me that your mother used to spend her lunch breaks taking you to a library when you were younger, I knew this was Jungkook expressing everything he feels for you.”

“It’s a bit grand, don’t you think?” You say shyly. “Building something for someone is… so personal, so—”

“Sincere,” he finishes for you. “And intimate, I’d say. But my son, he feels a lot. Which is why I think he tries not to, and why he distances himself from others. He felt like he’d lost you, ___, even before he had you and that… messed with him. He needed to do this for you, but I think he also needed to do it for himself. If at the end of the day, you’ll no longer be a part of his life, this would remind him that you were.”

You blink away the tears that you quickly wipe off as you look away. If at the end of the day, he’s no longer a part of your life, this would also remind you that he was. But you don’t want that, because you want him in your life, you want every part of him that he’s willing to show, and you want to hold every bit of that in your arms, care for it, and never let it go.

The time you spent with so little of him in your life made you feel his absence, and that allowed you to recognize the pockets of joy you had with him. It gave you something to look forward to, to connect with, and to treasure. The first step was resigning, and that itself felt like freedom. You get to pursue that connection and deep desire by choosing him this time. Knowing yourself means knowing how your heart heals and loves, and you want him to be at the receiving end of that. 

“I… I need to see him,” you say, not wanting him to spend another minute without knowing how you feel. 

“You should,” CEO Jeon nods and motions towards the door. “I’m sure he’s wondering where you are.”

There’s a soft smile on his face and you mirror it, as if to tell each other that all has been forgiven, that everything has been accepted, that there’s no more blame or burden to carry anymore. 

You rush out, wondering where to start looking for Jungkook. Turning to the left, you see Yoongi, who quickly rushes to you.

“What do you think?” He asks, gesturing towards the library where you’d just come from. “Is it close to the one you used to go to?”

“Yes,” you respond. “Did you help him with it?”

“Kinda had no choice,” he chuckles. “We were working on it while everything else was being completed. He didn’t want anyone else to know, especially you. I didn’t even know why he wanted to build a children's library all of a sudden when it wasn’t in the plans until that night you told me about your childhood. It clicked then.”

“He was already dealing with so much but he still had time for this?” You say, still in shock that Jungkook pushed through with this despite everything.

“He had a lot to say to you but he didn’t know how to. And I guess working on this was a way for him to deal with losing you,” Yoongi answers. “You mean a lot to him, ___. He was a mess without you.”

You think back at the times you felt that he was quickly replacing you, that he was distancing himself, that he was probably upset because you’d messed up his plans, and that he just wanted to move on from you. All this time, he was working on something that he could leave you with, all because he knew how much it meant for you to have a place like this.

“Now I just have to find him,” you say. “Have you seen him?”

“Not in the past half hour. He’s just been going around but I did tell him I’d let him know if you came. You should call him.”

“I wouldn’t be able to say anything if I did,” you sigh, knowing that it’s probably the same reason why he didn’t call you after not finding you in your apartment yesterday. 

There’s too much to say that can’t be said over the phone. You’ll probably be tongue tied once he picks up. 

You decide to call Mr. Ri, the possibility of Jungkook having left swimming in your mind after thinking of how long he would’ve been socializing. It’s been hours since the opening; it’s possible that he’s gotten tired from it all.

“___? Everything okay?”

“Do you know where he is?” You ask, desperate now. “Is he still in—”

“I just dropped him off at the office,” the older man answers. “I don’t know why he wanted to be there but I’m on the way back to the Arts Center. Do you want me to pick you up somewhere?”

“I’m here right now and I just saw what he made. I need to see him.”

“You can wait for me and—”

“It’s okay. I’ll find my way there. Thank you.”

You drop the call and start heading towards the exit, with Yoongi on your tails, offering to drive you.

“You’ve done so much already. And you’re needed here,” you say. “It’s okay.”

“True, I have. It sucked witnessing you two constantly going in circles when you both clearly can’t get enough of each other,” he chuckles. “So go, find him. You can both stop being such idiots now.”

“Rude,” you laugh. “But thank you, Yoongi.”

He smiles, and it’s a sight that’s gotten you through some of the toughest days. He tells you again to leave now, and you rush out as you book a cab, slowly getting impatient as you want nothing more than to be with Jungkook already. 

You get inside the car and watch the city pass you by. So many nights you’d done this, wondering about your life and where it was headed, hoping that one day you’d find the strength within you to go for what you’ve always wanted, whatever it was. A smile paints your face as you do it again now. One day is today, and with another act of bravery, you’re heading towards that other piece of happiness, and you’re finally claiming it for yourself. 

The office isn’t far, and with the traffic having eased despite the hour, you make it to the building in no time. 

You’re suddenly nervous once you enter the lobby. You’re used to late nights but it’s different this time. The security personnel assigned tonight still remembers you, and he doesn’t ask questions when you say you want to head to the VP’s floor. 

It’s a little nostalgic walking down the hallway, even if you were here just last week. It’s knowing that you’ll be seeing Jungkook at the end of it that makes you emotional, your heart beating fast as the seconds tick by. You quietly make it to his room, and with the door opened, you wonder if he expected you to be here.

You stand at the entrance and see him standing by the window, looking out into the city below. His sleeves are rolled up, and he has one hand in his pocket and the other holding a glass of whiskey. You spot the bottle on the edge of the table and not far from it, the mess of folders and blueprints piled on the desk. 

“Why are you out here celebrating on your own?” You say, your voice soft despite the yearning you’re feeling. 

He hears you though, as the swirling of his drink stops and he slowly turns around to look at you. He looks tired, but you don’t miss the way his eyes light up. You wish he notices the way yours do, too.

“The Arts Center is beautiful, Jungkook. You should be enjoying it with everyone else.”

“It didn’t feel right without you,” he answers, walking towards his table where he places the glass next to the bottle. “It felt incomplete without you around. You… you were a big part of that.”

“Why did you leave, then? That’s where you said I’d find you.”

“Is that what your mother said?” 

“It’s what I heard,” you say. He doesn’t look surprised, and maybe a part of you knew that he knew you were there, but still, he asks.

“Why didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you want to talk to me?”

You start to walk closer and see the sadness in his eyes. It brings you back to this room weeks ago, how those same eyes looked at you in dejection, in guilt. You hate hurting him, and you don’t ever want to do that again. 

“I realized that I easily accept it when I’m told that I’m being selfish and that I don’t deserve happiness. But when it comes to someone’s genuine feelings, I cower,” you respond. “Your sincerity scared me and maybe that’s why I doubted it the first time and I’m sorry that I did.” 

Your voice starts to shake now as the emotions intensify with every word you say, and with every inch of distance you eliminate. 

“I’m sorry that I pushed you away, that I left, that I kept my past from you. I’m sorry that I was so scared about everything, especially about the way I felt, only because it was all so new. It was all so much; wanting you became too much, I didn’t know how to stop. But I…” you blink away the tears, not realizing they’ve been waiting to fall. “I realized I was more scared to lose you. I was foolish to think that I could just move on and forget about what I feel for you. I thought it’s what you wanted to do, too, and—”

He shakes his head, and it’s the most reaction you’ve gotten since you started speaking.

“All I’ve done since that night you left me here was think about you,” he says, now able to say what he’s been meaning to. “I didn’t know how to stop that either. Wanting you was no longer enough and I wanted to be with you but I didn’t think I could, not when I thought you didn’t want me. You left and I… I didn’t know what to do.”

“I knew it’s what I needed,” you admit. “I… I reached a point where if you asked me to stay, I probably would and I didn’t want to. I wanted to know myself outside of all this and I didn’t want you to be the reason why I’d stop myself from doing that, from searching for whatever would make me happy but I realized that it’s you.”

You take another step, your body aching for him as your heart beats faster. “I felt free but it didn’t feel like I thought it would be. I didn’t want to be here but I wanted to be with you. And I’m sorry it took so long.”

“I didn’t find you right away,” he whispers, as if he still carries that guilt with him. “I was so caught up with everything else, with dealing with the fact that I lost you.”

“The library,” you say. “You were caught up creating something for me.”

“I… uh, I didn’t know how to say everything that I wanted to say,” he sighs. “And I’ll probably always struggle with that but… I just thought that as you go about your new life, I could build you a place where you’ll always feel safe and free, and that if I can’t be that person to comfort you, you’ll have a place that can do that. Selfishly, I didn’t want you to forget me. But I also just wanted you to know that I was always going to think about you.”

“Doesn’t it feel a bit grand?” You ask now, inching closer once again as he takes another step forward. “Building a library for someone is a pretty big deal.”

“You would’ve been my biggest what if. I probably deserve something grand to remind me of how stupid I was that I let you go.”

“You’re not gonna do that again, are you?” You teasingly smile. “Because I won’t.”

“No,” he says a little seriously. “I put you through so much, ___. I just… I just want to be someone who would care for you and would make you happy.”

His words are simple but they carry so much. You suppose at one point, that’s all what’s started to matter. All he wants is to be part of that happiness you’ve been searching for. Maybe it’s what’s been missing in his life, too, and all you want now is to be a part of it.

Another tear falls down your cheek, and you appease the worried look on his face by saying that it’s a happy tear.

He softly smiles, wiping it off with his thumb before cupping your face in his hand. He’s gentle as he caresses you, and you learn everyday just how capable he is of giving warmth, that there’s such tenderness within him that he’s unable to fully show. 

“I’ve always wanted to do this,” he admits. “So many times that I’ve seen you cry and I’ve just been… so powerless to do anything.”

“Now you aren’t,” you breathe out as you eye his lips, knowing they’re what you need at this moment. “Now you can—”

His proximity stops you, as he bends down and closes the distance. His mouth presses against yours, the hint of alcohol intoxicating you a little but it’s the feel of him that makes your mind hazy. With his hand still cupping your cheek, he pulls you towards him, his tongue merely licking your own when he slides inside as if to tease. 

“Do that,” he finishes, pulling away only a little bit to allow you to answer.  

“Yes,” you heave, wanting so much more now that you’ve had a taste of him again. “I won’t stop you this time.”

“Good,” he pants, grazing the tip of his nose on yours. “I don’t plan to.”

You’re unable to take a breath before his mouth crashes against yours, but you don’t mind, not when you immediately lose yourself to the way he feels. The kiss is desperate, with his tongue seeking entrance right away and then entangling with yours. Yet it still feels gentle with how he holds you, as his one hand continues to caress your face while the other glides down your side torso, settling on your hip to pull you closer. 

Your fingers grip his dress shirt, needing that anchor to ground you as you feel yourself drifting, getting lost in what you’re feeling - pure desire, an insatiable need, a sense of relief that there’s finally nothing holding you back. He angles your head, allowing him to go even deeper, and you let him take control, you let him breathe you in, let his tongue explore your depths before he pulls back and nibbles your lower lip. 

But he doesn’t stop just like he said, as he makes his way to your neck. You moan once you feel him lick the shell of your ear, the sound urging him to do more. He finds spots that have you grunting in pleasure, sucking and licking and pressing soft kisses on them, leaving you a pleading mess. You chant his name, grind against him for that friction you badly need, and pull on his shirt, as if wanting that barrier gone. 

“Fuck,” he groans, meeting your hips. “Fuck, you sound good.”

Jungkook feels the shiver of your skin, as his mouth slides up and down your neck while he grabs your  waist. He loses himself in the sounds of your moans - constant and yearning - just as heavenly as he remembers. You’re pliant, moving your head to give him access, letting him explore whatever’s exposed for him to do as he pleases, to taste whatever you can offer right now. 

He pulls you for a kiss once again, and there seems to be more desperation now, as you try to dominate, to taste him, to keep him there. Your hand finds his, guiding it to map your body, to let him know where you want him, to tell him where he can go. He curses under his breath when he feels your breast, fondling it for the brief moment it’s there before you direct it further down. You know exactly what you want and he’ll give it to you. 

The front slit of your dress makes it easy, and when his finger grazes your clothed cunt, you let out a sound that rings in his ear, and he wants more of it. 

“You like that?” He huffs in your ear. “You want me to touch you like that?”

“Ye—yes,” you mumble, unable to say anything more.

Jungkook hears your desire. He feels it, too, but he teases a little, gliding down the wet patch before slowly pressing on your clit. You jerk a little, briefly pulling away from him so you can take in a long breath. You bite your lip and he knows that you’re holding yourself back.

But he wants more and he can tell that so do you. He doesn’t care where you are right now; all he wants is to taste you, to feel you pulsate against his tongue, to make you feel good and let you know what he can give.

He looks down where his fingers have slipped past your underwear then back at you, the lick of his lips his way of seeking permission. You seem to know what he means, and you nod, granting it to him. He pulls you again for a kiss, much rougher this time, before he pushes you against the desk and lifts you so you could sit on the edge, just like that first time. But like you said, you won’t stop him anymore. And he truly doesn’t have an intention to.

His mouth moves down actively, kissing every clothed and exposed part of you it passes while slowly lifting up your dress. He kneels on the floor and spreads your legs open, aching to taste even more of you. But he glances up and sees the anticipation on your face, his mind hypnotized even with just this view alone.

Holding your gaze, he teases, with his tongue merely grazing your throbbing cunt.

You tense up but it’s what gets you pleading.

“Please,” you whimper, the sight of him from below leaving you in a daze. “Jung—want—plea—I—”

You’re unable to form proper words so he finally gives in, pulling your underwear to the side. He grunts, as the sight of your wet lips has his dick getting even harder. Your desire matches his, and all he wants is to fulfill your need.

With the barrier gone, he presses his tongue flatly over your clit, warming it up first before he starts moving around. He alternates fervent licks on it with slow movements everywhere else - on your lips, on the sides of your thighs, and inside your hole. It’s messy and absolutely mind numbing, as your scent and and the way you taste divine have him burying himself even deeper into you, losing himself even more when he feels your hand in his hair, pushing him towards you as if you don’t want him to go anywhere. And he wouldn’t mind. He’d live here if he could.

You start to give in, your legs slowly closing on him but he pushes them apart, keeping them open so he could do more. With his movements, he pulls you closer to the edge - of the table, of your orgasm - and he buries his face there again, licking and sucking and moaning like a man starved. 

The sounds you make drive him crazy, and that's with you still holding back. You’re still in his office, doing something you both definitely shouldn’t, and he supposes you don’t want your obscene sounds to echo throughout the floor despite it being empty. He can’t wait to hear you without anything stopping you. 

You start to shake and that’s how he knows you’re close. He feels your uneven breathing, hears your broken chants of his name, and sees your grip on the table getting tighter. He wants to take you there, and with one final nip of your clit, you crash, the low, long-winded sound satisfying his need to pleasure you.

You try to catch your breath while he laps up your juices. You’re still sensitive, as your legs jerk with every movement of his. He takes a peak and sees your half-lidded eyes and parted mouth, but you eventually return to your senses and meet his gaze. You’ve had enough, it seems, as you pull him up and meet his lips. 

Jungkook tastes of you, and you kiss him languidly, still out of breath and definitely in a daze. You want more of him, though; you want to bury yourself in him and elicit hypnotizing sounds that’ll have him chant your name, too, so you start to palm his hard length in return. But he goes soft on you, taking your arms and wrapping them around his waist before he cups your cheeks again while he returns your kisses.

“This feels quite familiar,” you hum against his lips.

“Really? I don’t remember you pushing my head between your thighs the last time,” he teases.

“Oh, shush,” you frown, quickly realizing exactly what you’d done. “I can’t believe I had you eat me out on your desk. In your office. On a work night, too. And while you have an event going on. Your father will be so angry.”

“Good thing he won’t know,” Jungkook shrugs, clearly unbothered. 

But you aren’t, so you pout at him. “What was I thinking?”

“Maybe you missed me too much, and I can’t blame you, since you know, I did, too,” he reasons, his shy smile turning cheeky in a second. “Or maybe you wanted to leave me with a gift or something,” he smirks. 

“True. When you’re stressed at work you can just remember what you did to me here and then you’ll feel better, I guess.”

“Actually, that’ll probably frustrate me,” he chuckles, pulling you closer again and wrapping his arms around you. “Thinking about how good you sound and how amazing you taste without you around… Yeah, I’d be angry.”

His praise flusters you, and you briefly turn away. But he assures you again that his father won’t know, and that you’re in the clear despite the indecency you both committed. 

“And it doesn’t matter,” he continues. “That is worth whatever trouble I’ll be in, if it happens. I… I couldn’t wait any longer. I just wanted you right away.”

The heat rushes to your cheeks again, and you giggle and bury your face in his neck. It’s comforting, the way he giggles back but hugs you tighter. He smells just as you remember, and you think that this is how you want your days to go from now on - flushed against his chest, cradled in his arms, with his soft lips giving you shivers as he kisses your forehead. 

It’s just your joint breaths that you hear now, and you turn to him, your soft smile making his heart skip a beat, and he knows that this is how he wants his days to go from now on - safe in your embrace, with your soft lips tracing his jaw and leaving teasing pecks on his cheeks. He captures them in his, basking in the taste of you, and it’s not long after when the kiss intensifies, leaving him wanting more again.

But just as you return his desire, it’s at that moment when the phone rings, catching both of you off guard and in surprise. He appeases you, as your eyes look at him in worry. He picks up the call, and he hums in confirmation before putting the phone down.

“The building is scheduled for sanitation in half an hour,” he says. “We have to go.”

“Oh right. I remember putting that in our calendars,” you hum, getting off the table and feeling the dampness of your underwear.

You fix your dress, trying to make it less uncomfortable. You turn to him who looks at you shyly.

“Can I take you home with me?” He asks. “Maybe we could, uh, continue this and you know, make up for the time we spent apart?”

“Yes,” you respond, feeling your heart race at the possibilities of tonight. “I’d like that.”

He nods, unable to control his own smile. He motions towards the door and you walk out side-by-side, knowing enough that there are security cameras around. There’s at least that unspoken agreement that neither of you want the attention that could come from having this exposed, whatever this is. But you suppose you have time to figure it out. You’ve both expressed enough that you want each other; you’ll just have to talk about how to move forward and make up for all that’s happened. 

It’s cheeky glances from the elevator down to the car. But once he drives out of the building, he takes your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours. He smiles when you tighten your hold, as if to say that you don’t want to let go of him, too. 

You explain that you woke up late and had to buy a dress that’s why you didn’t get to him earlier. You share how you met the team and then his father, and the anticipation you felt on the way to the office to see him. 

Jungkook narrates how his day went, saying that the interview and press conference were successful, and that he received so much praise from the artists for how the Arts Center turned out. You compliment him, too, saying how everything looks grand but that each individual space feels intimate, personal, and that you can’t wait to explore it further. 

The conversation is a good distraction, as the moment from earlier still has you reeling internally. His taste is addictive, and there’s just so much more of him you want to see, to feel, to immerse yourself in. He seems a bit impatient, too. He’s driving close to the speed limit, perhaps wanting to get to his place as soon as he can to continue what you both started. With everything that’s happened, you wouldn’t mind doing it all night. 

You finally make it to his building, and he constantly pulls you close as you make your way up, with his hand snaking around your waist while you smile at him. But when he opens his door and you enter his penthouse, he keeps his distance, letting you walk through his hallway and into his kitchen as he looks on.

He walks slowly towards you and his heart starts to beat faster, knowing he’s got you alone now, and that there’s no limit to what both of you could do. But though he wants to just take you in his arms, feel you against him again, and kiss you until you both run out of air, he decides to savor this first - the sight of you back in his apartment. 

It’s been so long. And with you looking as beautiful as you do in your pink dress, he wants to ingrain this image of you in his mind - happy and content, with a tender smile that’s already healing the parts of him that once hurt. 

“Your place looks the same as the last time I was here,” you say, looking around.

“Well, I haven’t really been spending time here,” he shrugs. “I was too busy being an idiot and making this children’s library for this girl that I’m really, really into to make up for it. And well, she’s here with me now. I feel like this place is going to start feeling like home.”

“Plants would help. And maybe some personal photos,” you tease, but you reach out your hand that he takes and you pull him closer, wrapping your arms around his neck and grazing your nose against his. “But I’m also here. And I’m not going anywhere, Jungkook. I just happen to really, really be into you, too.”

He laughs, and it’s a sound you once said you want to hear all the time. You think from now on, you will. 

“Good. I’d like to keep you for as long as I can.”

His eyes turn serious and it makes you feel hot all over. It’s hard not to use his playboy lifestyle as a basis for how he’d be, and you can’t help but think just how good he’s going to make you feel. There’s always been so much tension with him that in hindsight, you’ve always tried to quell or overlook, but there’s no need for that anymore. You’ll let your desire take over, release all that lust and yearning until he knows just how much you want him in ways words could never express. 

But just as he closes the distance between you, the doorbell rings, and his groan of frustration makes you laugh. It’s as if the universe is edging both of you with these distractions. 

Jungkook looks at you in apology and agony. “That might be Mr. Ri. Or Lucas,” he says, remembering that they’d said that they’ll drop off some of the gifts he received in celebration of today. If he doesn’t answer, they’ll probably enter on their own, since he’s given them permission to.

So he lets you go and heads towards the door while you scurry to the left towards the hallway. 

You doubt whoever it is would come all the way inside so you don’t really attempt to hide, but you do lean by the wall and listen in. You’re appeased to know it’s Mr. Ri, as you see him enter with several gifts and packages. 

“These are from the artists and the Board. There are art pieces in the cart outside so just bring them in,” he instructs, oblivious to you standing not far away. “They gave you lots of alcohol, too. I thought to bring them here already for whatever reason you might need them.” 

The older man chuckles and finally looks up and sees you.

“And I assume that reason is to celebrate,” he smiles now, and you don’t miss the smug look on his face that makes you feel flustered. “I was just gonna say that ___ was looking for you,” he turns to Jungkook. “Looks like she’s found you.”

“She… she did,” Jungkook smiles back. 

“Good. It’s about time you kids made up,” he teasingly rolls his eyes. Heavens know how much he had to deal with, with you and Jungkook being such hard-headed idiots.

“We were in the middle of it but then we got disrupted,” Jungkook frowns, to the amusement of the older man.

“Oh, I wonder who did that,” Mr. Ri teases. “I better get going then.”

He sets aside the boxes and turns to both of you. 

“But before I leave, I just… I just want to congratulate you, Jungkook. The Arts Center is a beautiful piece of artwork. And that… that last-minute thing you did… I’m telling you now that it drove your father crazy. But he… he told me how proud he is of you,” he continues, his look softening as he recalls their recent conversations, including the one just before he drove here. “To do all that for someone you care about, that takes a lot of heart. I think that you, finding it and using it is what he’s happiest about.”

His words are followed by Jungkook’s nod, perhaps in appreciation, and silence, as you’re unsure what else could be said after that. Mr. Ri excuses himself after bringing in the last set of gifts and there’s still that soft smile on his face before he leaves. 

It’s happening, he thinks, and despite all the time it took for you and Jungkook to get here, he supposes it was the only way. It would’ve been easier if he or even Yoongi or Hoseok went ahead and spoke to both of you, perhaps to say it was all a misunderstanding or that there was nothing to be afraid of, not when you both undeniably felt the same way. 

But he also knew that you both had to come to that realization on your own, that life without each other isn’t something neither of you wanted. You also had to make that decision for yourselves - to be vulnerable, to be brave, to take risks, and to find out that it would all be worth it if you’re just honest about how you feel. It seems you’ve both figured it out now, and he can finally feel at ease that two of the most important people in his life can now take care of each other, and that the love he gave helped both of you to get here.

Jungkook leads him out the door then returns to you, and as he walks to where you are, you’re finally able to appreciate how he looks. It’s just like the other times when he had an event to go to - hair slicked back, long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his dress shirt accentuating his toned chest, and the fit of his trousers showing off the rest of his figure. You eye him up and down and he smirks at you in response.

“So… you exposed yourself, Mr. Jeon,” you say, pulling the neck of his tie to bring him closer to you. “Who taught you how to use your heart like that?”

“Who knew I even had one in the first place?” 

“I did.”

“Not at the start though,” he says, with a hint of guilt in his eyes.

“It was there, you were just hiding it. But I saw it. And I got used to it. Then I couldn’t get enough of it, of you,” you say, meeting his eyes. “And now I just… I want more of it, Jungkook. I want all of you.”

Having you be so bold about what you want does something to him. It already got him weak in the knees when you directed his hand where you wanted it earlier and when you looked at him to grant permission about having a taste of you. Hearing you say you want all of him causes his mind to short circuit, but he recovers quickly, as he nods and releases a breath before cupping your face in his hands then crashing his mouth into yours again. 

It’s sloppier this time, as you both try to take in as much of each other as you can. Your tongues battle for dominance, you nibble and lick each other’s lips, and you moan with every breath as he’s got you caged against the wall, your hands gripping on his shirt to pull him even closer.

You feel Jungkook’s length hardening as he’s flushed against you, and you grind against him, needing that friction badly. He meets your hips and releases your face from his hold, supporting your back that now arches as you chase him, as he finds purchase on your neck, licking and sucking to elicit the most obscene sounds from you. He kneads your ass while you moan his name and plead for more, and you don’t think you’ve ever felt this much pleasure with just this, and you can’t wait for what comes after.

“Please,” you beg, as you feel your cunt throb in pain.  

Jungkook doesn’t need you to say anything else, as he has the same desire to feel your body. There’s so much he wants to do to you, so much more he wants to touch and feel. He wants to know how else you sound like, what makes you lose your breath, what makes you quiver and shake. He wants to know how else his mouth could make you come and how his fingers can drive you wild. He wants to know how your mouth feels wrapped around his cock, how much of him you can take, and how it’s like to be buried deep inside your warm walls as your essence coats him. 

He wants you right now, so he heads towards the closest room, guiding you backwards as he unzips your dress and removes your bra. His hands immediately map your bare body, feeling the shiver in your skin with every movement. You whimper when he fondles your breast, and the thought of you being sensitive to his touch makes him even harder.

The back of your knees hit the edge of the bed and he guides you to lie down. He trails downward, nibbling as he goes and memorizing your body this way. His mouth reaches your waist, and from here, he finds himself intoxicated from your scent. He slowly removes your soaked underwear and the sight of your went cunt makes him throb in pain.

You’re so fucking beautiful, he thinks to himself. He can’t believe he waited so long to have you like this.

He thumbs your clit, and your continuous moans and calls of his name make him give in. He stands up and smirks at you and, taking your hand, he replaces his fingers with yours, his eyes ordering you to touch yourself.

You follow, and though it doesn’t feel as good as how he does it, the pleasure hits differently when you watch him loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt. All those months of doing your morning routine comes back to you - now you get to see all that’s underneath the clothes you prepare, and when he pulls down his trousers, your mouth drops the same time it does. He’s thick and veiny, and you can’t wait to feel him inside you. 

His eyes are on your sopping cunt while yours are on his fingers as they stroke his length, getting himself ready for you. He opens the drawer and pulls out a condom, and while there’s the tiniest bit of disappointment, you don’t mind. It’s something you’ll eventually talk about. Right now, you just want him inside of you and you call out for him another time, prompting him to smirk once again and walk towards you.

He replaces your hand with his fingers this time, and when he returns to touching you, he climbs on the bed and hovers over you, lowering himself for a searing kiss.

“Good girl,” he hums against your lips.

You lose it, as if you hadn’t lost yourself already, but his deep voice and the way he grunts against your skin do something to you. You feel his cock not long after, and no amount of yearning for him could prepare you for how good he feels. He fills you up just right, and the gradual way he enters you while his eyes bore into yours has your stomach in knots and your heart beating out of your chest. 

“Fuck, fuck,” he mouths as he goes deeper. “Fuck, baby, you feel so, so good.”

He hits the edge and he settles for a while, letting you get used to the feel of him, but when you start to grind against him, he decides to do the same.  

He moves his hips, pushing then pulling out then pushing harder. He raises himself and intently watches your face distort in pleasure - your breath hitching, your lips parting, your eyes half-lidded as you moan his name, as if it’s the only word you’ll remember after all this. He starts to increase the pace, loving the way your breasts bounce in response. Then he slows down, only so he could capture one of them in his mouth to suck and the other, in his hand to touch. 

The feeling of ecstasy overtakes you. He doesn’t go rough all the way, as you initially expected he would. Instead, he paces himself, going fast for a period of time and then slowing down to let both of you bask in the feel of each other. He doesn’t seem to want either of you to come right away, you can tell, by the way he moves and the way he looks at you - with a kind of longing and desire that feels so intimate.

He gets back on his knees after and spreads your legs, giving him more space to pound into you, and with his hands gripping your hips, he pulls it towards him to meet his. You feel him deeper inside, and it has you holding onto your breasts, pleasuring yourself there, too, as he starts fondling your clit once again. 

You’re feeling everything everywhere, and your mind starts to go hazy when he lifts your leg and places it over his shoulder, allowing him to enter you from an angle that has you mewling in intense pleasure. You feel your eyes rolling out, but somehow they land on him, and the way his head tilts back while he grunts in pleasure as he caresses your thigh is a sight that you want to keep seeing. That image of his clenched jaw and strained neck will be ingrained in your mind from now on.

You continue with this pace for a while until he lowers himself and kisses you, hard and deep the same way he thrusts into your hole. With his chest flushed against yours, his mouth sucking and licking your neck, and his hand flicking your pert nipples, you come, the deep inhale and the exhale of moans echoing inside the bedroom. 

Jungkook feels your essence despite the barrier, and it’s a kind of euphoria that pushes him to reach his peak. He hovers over you again, pinning your hands to your side for that anchor he needs. He meets your tongue with his, and then he pounds hard, wanting that high as you come down from yours. But you don’t hold back, as you meet his hips and curse and tell him how good he feels 

“Fuck, Jungkook,” you seethe. “You fuck me so good. Fuck, fuck, yes. Keep going, please baby. Keep going.”

Your words push him over the edge, and he crashes before he knows it. He grunts as he catches a breath, a way to express the intense pleasure he just experienced. But he sees you still panting. You may have already come but another one won’t hurt, so he nibbles on your breasts again, knowing it won’t take long. You’re already close, and with a few more flicks of his fingers on your clit, he feels you quiver again. 

“Come for me again, baby,” he mumbles. “I wanna hear your pretty sounds again.”

It doesn’t take long. There’s a tone of your moan that lets him know you’ve reached your peak, and he keeps that in mind for everyday that he plans on doing this to you.

You catch your breath, feeling as if you’re in a daze with what you just experienced. As you come down again, you meet his eyes. They were intense and lustful earlier but they’re soft now, just as his smile is. There’s contentment on his face and adoration. He kisses your lips, and that’s soft, too, before he turns to your side and lies on his back. 

Jungkook feels the exhilaration from that ride with you, and he definitely wants to do it again. But he knows he’ll have to recover. He turns to you and thinks that you’ll need some time, too, but he can’t help himself. He presses soft kisses on your torso, up until he reaches your cheek, and that causes you to smile.

He finally stands up and tells you he’ll clean up, and you nod, somehow needing a moment alone to wrap your mind around what just happened. 

It’s different, you think, when sex is with someone you actually feel really strongly for. All the ones before don’t compare. Sure, you were attracted to the men you dated, but they never made you feel anything close to this. Perhaps it’s Jungkook, but maybe it’s also you - for the first time, you’re giving more than just your time and your energy. For the first time, you’re giving your heart, too. All of it.

The thought makes you giddy. It also makes you shy because it all feels new. And it suddenly makes you hyper aware of where you are. 

You look around. This is a new room. Other than Jungkook’s bedroom, you’ve only been to his study; this door was always closed and you never had a reason to see what’s behind it. You know he doesn’t really have people over but you assume an extra bedroom is always good to have.

You start to feel cold without Jungkook’s warmth, so you shift on the end and pull the covers, burying yourself under it. You don’t remember where your dress is, and you’re suddenly too shy to just head out the room and get it. It’s at the same time that Jungkook exits the bathroom with his boxers on, and even that has you feeling all kinds of things. 

“Hey,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Are you cold?”

“A bit,” you respond.

He looks around and spots his dress shirt on the foot of the bed. He takes it and pulls away the blanket so he can make you wear it. He buttons it and fixes your hair, parting the damp strands and tucking them behind your ear. He helps you stand then you scurry towards the bathroom to clean yourself up. 

You don’t take long as you don’t want to make him wait, and when you open the door, you see him with his trousers back on, fixing the bed. On top of it are your folded dress and underwear. Between that and the shirt you’re wearing, something inside you stirs as you’re reminded again of how thoughtful Jungkook is. You like him for so many reasons, and now that you get to be with him like this, you’ll get to know him even more.

You don’t realize you’re staring at him as he moves about until he starts walking towards you. 

“I’ll get your clothes dry cleaned. Is that okay?”

You nod, giddy again and unable to speak. 

“I was also, uh, thinking. Do you want to spend the night with me? And maybe the one after, too?” He asks.

“I’d like that,” you smile. 

“Good,” he smiles back, kissing you deeply. “I was really hoping we get to do more of that.”

You laugh in response even if deep inside, you’re screaming in excitement. You’re still overwhelmed by all this, but you know that spending the evening and then waking up next to him will let you ease into this new life that you have. 

He laughs, too, when your stomach grumbles, and you realize you haven’t eaten anything since you left your mother’s house, and that was almost 12 hours ago.

“I actually don’t have anything in my fridge so let’s just order out.”

You nod, and shortly after, you find yourself sitting on the couch with him, your legs laying over his lap while his fingers caress your thigh. He’s got his arm around you and you sit there, just talking, while you wait for your dinner to arrive. 

You stay on the dining table when it does, and you remain there after you’ve both wiped out all the food. You both clean up, liking the domesticity that feels more real now, even more when he takes your hand and leads you to his bedroom. 

“I don’t have any makeup remover or anything like that,” he says from inside his bathroom. “Just cleanser. Is that okay?”

“Uh, yeah, that should be fine,” you say, following him inside. 

He places some skincare items on the counter and says that he’ll buy your brand this weekend. He grabs a towel and places it on the stool next to the shower before he turns to you. 

There’s a look of desire in your eyes, and though he’d initially thought that maybe you’d want to wash up on your own, the way you’re biting your lips makes him think that maybe you don’t.

He walks towards you and, with his fingers fiddling with the buttons of his shirt you have on, he looks at you in question as a way to seek permission. You nod, and it’s his confirmation. There’s something about you speaking to him with your eyes that has him nervous, but every approval you give stirs something in him. There’s your shyness but there’s also that desire to have him close.

He undoes the shirt, and though he’s already seen your bare body earlier, it still takes his breath away, as if it’s the first time he’s being graced with this, only because he’s been craving it for weeks.

Not much is said when he undresses after you, but you don’t really need words. Right as he turns on the warm shower, your lips are already on his. It’s sensual this time, as you both seem to want to savor this now that you have more time to spare. There’s still so much he wants to know and to feel, and he supposes there’ll be more days to learn all that. 

But then again, that could also be today, as you kneel on the floor and take his hardening dick in your mouth. You’re just as heavenly as he imagined, even more when you let him come on your chest and he’s dazed with how turned on you look. He finishes you off with you caged against the wall, your breasts in his mouth and his fingers inside your hole. It’s more languid kisses once you decide to actually take a shower, and going slow as you caress each other’s bodies is another feeling that he wants to keep having.

He gives you one of his shirts to wear before you both head to his bed. It’s past midnight and the day has started to catch up to him. He’s been tired since midday, and he would’ve crashed on his couch after finishing a bottle of whiskey if you hadn’t come. 

But you did, and the past few hours have been nothing short of amazing, as if it’s a dream he doesn’t believe is really happening. You lay next to his side, looking warm and comfortable with the softest smile on your face, a contrast to how you looked when you took him so deep in your mouth and moaned curses while you pulled on his hair as you came on his fingers. 

“What are you thinking about?” You ask him.

“A lot of things. Also nothing,” he says. “So much has happened today and I just… I just wanna sleep but I also want to stay awake with you a bit longer.”

“We’ll have more time together though,” you assure him. “We can talk about them tomorrow.”

He hums, knowing that his weekends from now on will no longer be boring like they used to be. 

“What about you, what are you thinking about?” 

“That your bed is so soft and your pillows smell so nice,” you respond, earning you a laugh. “Better than the one earlier. Although come to think of it, I didn’t even know you had a guest room.”

“It’s, well, uh… I wouldn’t really call it a guest room. I don’t really make people sleep there. Unless, they, uh, stay the night even if I told them not to.”

With his embarrassed face, the thought dawns on you. 

“You have a room specifically for your hookups?” You gasp. “You fucked me in your hookup room!”

You don’t seem angry but still, he supposes it doesn’t sound good when you say it like that.

“That… that was the closest room with something to lie on and I just wanted you so badly,” he explains, truly looking like he feels bad about it. “I only have that because I don’t let people in my room and well, you’re here now, aren’t you? I don’t like people being inside my space but you… I want you here. I’m sorry.”

He looks at you with apologetic eyes and you suddenly feel bad for reacting the way you did. It’s not a big deal. Maybe it isn’t ideal when you look back on it but then again, he fucked you so good, it doesn’t really matter. It also doesn’t matter where he does it. But maybe claiming other parts of his penthouse isn’t so bad.

“It’s okay, you made up for it,” you say, kissing his pouty lips to let him know it’s fine. 

There’s really nothing you can complain about, not when you’re next to him and feeling the safety and warmth of being by his side. There’s that comfort of being able to say and do what you want to, including expressing your desire without holding back anymore. That itself feels like freedom, and you get to live that out with him.

“We should probably skip that room for next time,” you add. “I mean, you have a nice bathtub and a spacious closet and a large couch and a wide dining table.., you have a study, a gym…” you smirk, something he does, too. “We have so many options.”

“We do,” he laughs, leaning in to kiss you now. “We also have my bed, in case you forgot.”

“I was just about to say,” you giggle, sitting up and motioning for him to lie on his back. His smile is replaced with a lustful look once you start grinding against his clothed dick. “So, uhm, shall we?”

He grabs your hips and aids your movements, immediately feeling pleasure that he fortunately isn’t too tired to build on. He sits up and catches your lips in his. 

“I can do this all night,” he whispers.

And with languid kisses and curious hands mapping each other’s bodies, you feel the beginnings of learning what your heart could do. Right now, it’s racing, as it feels the desire to be one with him, to share in intimacy and vulnerability as you bare parts of yourself to him with no reservations. 

You know that starting today, there’ll be more that your heart will learn to do, like understand and forgive. One day, it will heal. And as it soars and finds a home in Jungkook’s arms, you know that one day, it will learn how to love, too.

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[maxillness]

Secret Love Song || LH44 x Russell!Reader

Warnings: 18+, unprotected sex, age-gap, degrading kink, praise kink, sub!lewis

Wordcount: 1.4k

“Oh, fuck. Just like that, baby” He moaned from above her. His hands were tangled in her hair as his back was pushed up against the door of his drivers room

“Your lips feel so good around me” He couldn’t stop praising her, even though he knew she was gonna be in charge when they got to her place after the race later

“Fuck, you look so pretty like this; saliva dripping down your chin, red cheeks, my cock in your mouth” His body was starting to sweat as he twitched in her mouth

“Just like that. Fucking hell, I’m gonna-“ He didn’t get to finish his sentence before he shot his hot loath down her throat

She stood up as she swallowed his cum. He zipped his trousers back up before kissing her tenderly “I’m gonna return the favour when we get to your place after the race, okay love?”

“If you win” She kissed his cheek before leaving the room. They both managed to get back to the others without being seen leaving his drivers room

“Where were you?” George asked her with a hint of concern in his voice

“I was just at the bathroom, no need to worry your pants” She chuckled as she walked over to him

“I’m just looking out for you” He said with soft eyes

“George, I’m 20, you don’t need to look out for me anymore” He had always protected her through out their childhood, he was worse then their parents

“You’re right. I’m sorry”

Normally after her and Lewis had fucked or she would have sucked him off, they would be clingy with each other. Her lips would be all over him. On his lips, cheek, neck, throat, chest, stomach, anywhere they could be, they would be

But they couldn’t this time. Nobody knew they were together, and god forbid they ever told anyone, her brother would absolutely destroy him, both on and outside the track

I wanna kiss you so bad rn

She heard the ping of the message she had sent across the garage. She looked over to Lewis who had picked up his phone. He looked over at her before typing

I want to kiss you too love, but you know we can’t <3

She knew it was true, but what if they fucked with the rules? What if they stood in the corner and it was just a little peck before going back to talk to people they were talking to before

Win the race and my lips will be all over you ;)

She smiled as she sent the text. She looked over at Lewis who was blushing hard. He was talking with Bono who looked confused at him

She could hear their conversation, but she guessed Lewis’ excuse for his slightly red cheeks would be something like it was hot in the garage

It gave her some kind of rush, knowing she was the only one to draw this kind of reaction out of him

It also made her folds wet, but she would never dare to tell him that

She spend the rest of the day in the garage, sending him texts with either different kinds of praises, promises to fuck him when he wins, or wishes about the two of them

You’re always doing so good for me

You better do good on the track, Hamilton

I’m gonna fuck you dumb when you win

I’m gonna fuck your brains out

I wish you could hold me in your arms

I wish you could kiss me before your race

Every time she sent a text, she looked over at Lewis who would just blush harder every time, if that was even possible

Her brother had questioned her multiple times who she was texting, but she would always say it was one of her friends

Like wise did he ask Lewis, who said it was either his parents, his neighbour who was sitting Roscoe, or one of his friends

Stop sending me all those text love

Why? I can see you like them <3

She looked over at him, eyes went down to his slight boner in his trousers

You drive me crazy woman

At least I fuck as good as I drive you crazy ;)

He won the race, of course. I mean, if he hadn’t my won, maybe he wouldn’t get to fuck his teammates sister

“You need a lift home?” George asked her

“No thanks, George” She didn’t give him a reason why, but he brushed it off like he was used to it

“You did so good, baby” Her hand was on his inner thigh as he drove them to her apartment. His breath was heavier as her handed hockey closer to the place where he needed her the most

“Thank you, love” He said, his words almost getting caught in his throat. Her hand started stroking his thigh, making him harder by every stroke

They had barely entered the apartment when Lewis was all over her. His hands on her waist, pulled close to him as his lips were on hers and her hands were on his ass, squeezing him every so often

“Fuck, I want to return the favour, love” His lips traveled over to her jaw

“Then get to the bedroom, Lew” Her hands traveled him to stroke his sides

“No, I want you now” He backed her back so her ass hit the dinning table “Please” His hands went to the back of her thighs, lifting her up on the table

“Lewis, we should go to the bedroom” He had already gone to his knees as she spoke

He didn’t listen to her words, he instead proceeded to pull her closer to the edge of the table. He lifted her skirt up, giving him access to pull down her panties as she bucked her hips

She gave in, and let him do what he wanted to her. He threw her panties the floor beside them before spreading her knees, giving him more access to her cunt

He pulled one of her legs over his shoulder before darting his tongue out to lick through her folds

She moaned at the contact between his tongue and her clit. He flicked over it with his tongue as he entered her with on of his fingers

As her moans started getting loud, he inserted another finger “What wouldn’t your teammate think, huh? If he knew how you fuck his little sister” He hummed at her words giving her extra pleasure

She bucked her hips into his face, grinding on his tongue she came close to her orgasm “Fuck, baby. You’re doing so good for me” Hs Eleanor’s her head back, rolling her eyes into the back of her head “Fuck, I’m gonna cum”

A few more thrusts of his fingers and flicks of his tongue, and she came around his fingers. He rode out her high before pulling out of her and standing up

She got to the ground “The bedroom, Lew” He kissed her quick before going to the bedroom

She chuckled at his eagerness. She walked into the bedroom, seeing him already stripped naked and laid on the bed

“Good. You’re already ready for me” She smirked as she walked over to him

“I’m always ready for you, love” He said pulling her into his lap. She pulled her shirt off and unhooked her bra. She threw them both to the floor

She spit in her hand, and started stroking him slow. She lined herself up with his cock, slowly pushing him in making them both moan

“Fuck, you always fill me up so good, Lew” She smirked as she started moving. She loved hearing his moans and whimpers coming from him

“You sound so pretty” She kept praising him as he started bucking his hips up into her, meeting her thrusts

He gripped her hips tighter, slamming her down onto him. Both their moans were loud and heavy as they came closer to their orgasms

“You feel so good around me. Fuck, love. I fucking love you” He spoke between his moans “Fuck, baby. I’m gonna cum, fuck, please”

Her fingers went to her clit, circling it between her fingers. Her actions pushed her closer to her orgasm

“Cum for me, baby” He came into her, holding her down onto him. Him coming into her, sent her over the edge, coming around him for the second time today

She pulled off of him, going to the bathroom to get a damp towel to clean them both up. She laid down beside him, scooting close into him under the duvet

“I love you” He sighed holding her close kissing her forehead

“I love you too” She kissed his chest laying down hearing his heartbeat

[izunx]

HEY THANK YOU SM FOR DOING MY REQUEST!! can I request for part 2 please??? It's too cute!! Thank you!!

Tenjiku Rindou x introvert reader PART 2

he confesses his feelings !

no warnings.

{part 1} -> you don’t have to read part 1 but it’s just as good give it a read NOW

“hey rinnie” you stared up at rindou as you were sat on the swing with your ice cream.

“yep” rindou stood by the swings, leaning against the post in his Tenjiku uniform, hands in his pocket.

this wasn’t unusual for you and rindou. it’s been about 5 months now that you both would spend your free time in each others companies. he would walk you home and take you on small ‘dates’ despite your wish to stay at home.

and on those days you really did want to stay home, he’d accompany you. helping around the house even and entertaining your younger siblings.

“you think I can meet ran?”

…

“that’s a funny joke y/n”

“it wasn’t a joke, I wanna meet ran”

rindou rubbed his temple and just sighed.

“why do you want to meet a man child?”

“that’s not nice rin.”

he side eyed you but decided it was about time you guys probably .. bonded.

“alright alright, only because it’s you”

the next day, rindou was sat in the garage with ran who was grinning uncontrollably.

“remember what I told you ran.”

“hey hey relax there, what am I gonna do? bite her?”

“you never know with your animalistic tendencies”

ran flicked his brother’s head.

at that moment, y/n peeked into the garage. your hair was done neatly and you were in a sundress with a plastic bag full of desserts in your hand.

too scared to speak first, you stood there meekly with a frown on your face.

ran simply stared at your face, he’s seen your pictures and has heard about your character but he didn’t expect you to actually be this to anti-social but you were exceptionally beautiful.

rindou understood how you felt and came up to you immediately, rubbing your back in comfort.

“hey y/n, you alright?”

“yep.” you simply said, your head turned away from ran who was sat opposite you both.

“ran’d over there”

you knew this was your idea and you knew that morning took everything in you to even step out your house but you really didn’t expect it to be this overwhelming.

you walked towards ran putting the bag besides him and bowing your head politely.

“heyy, pretty thing”

rindou wasn’t slow to thwack his brother behind his head. aggressively mouthing the words ‘what did I say?’

ran awkwardly laugh and the silence that followed after was suffocating.

“I’m just gonna go get something for us to drink” ran grinned and left in a hurry.

you let out a sigh of relief,

“I think he got embarrassed”

“that’s unusual for him, he’s usually good talking to girls”

you got insecure about that.

“am I weird to him? does he not like me?”

rin’s eyes widened at this, he knew you weren’t that confident about yourself, it was the very reason you didn’t go out much in the first place.

“don’t be silly, you’re gorgeous you know” he mumbled the last part.

he could see your ears redden, but you didn’t say anything.

“hey, i’m being serious about that,”

you sat down on the bench and you were about to explode.

“you can’t say that when you’re here though,” you sighed out unbearably quiet.

“hahh? say that again” rindou unable to hear, sat down next to you leaning his head in to yours.

this didn’t help your reddening face.

“ugh shut up” you pushed his cheek away and continued to look down.

“hey hey what’s wrong with you? don’t be upset because of that man child, I knew it was a bad idea to introduce you to him”

you looked at him solemnly and leaned your head on his shoulder.

it was like you both were matching red faces.

“sorry about him, he probably just didn’t know what to do with himself in front of you, cos you’re sweet and all”

“you really think that?”

“yeah, trust me”

rindou thought on ran’s words from earlier.

ran was being extremely obnoxious, pestering rindou about you persistently.

“rinrin if you don’t confess to her soon, I swear I’ll swoop in and make sure you never ever get a chance ever again”

“it’s embarrassing”

“to tell a girl you like her? WIMP”

“i’m not like you.”

“what’s that meant to mean?”

“stinking womaniser”

“HEY”

should he really do it?

“hey rinnie, do you like anyone?”

‘well then.’ he could only think.

“do you?”

“hey I asked you first” you grumbled.

“well yeah I guess I do.”

it was silent for a moment -

“who?”

…

“rinnie I asked you who?”

“you” he sighed, “I like you.”

you lifted your head and just stared at him.

“are you breathing..”

you hugged him tight.

“is that an ‘I like you too’” he was quick to hold you the same.

“of course it is” you pushed his chest.

he stared into your face for a bit, and pecked your lips.

a subtle, short first kiss. but it was overcome with an incredible amount of fluster.

you guys were like highschool kids, experiencing first time romance.

you went back in for a longer, more desperate kiss. he held your head like you were a fragile doll. and likewise you held his face with a gentleness rindou couldn’t get elsewhere.

you lied your head on his shoulder again, in silence.

“i’ll make sure to ask you out more… romantically next time,”

“don’t sweat it lover boy.”

he flicked your head but laughed

“hey, what happened to ran?”

rindou’s phone buzzed at the moment and when he opened his phone, he was met with an extremely stupid text.

‘i just took the most diabolical shit rn not a joke, i’ll come back to u 2 in like 10 mins, don’t miss me too much ;)’

“yeah.. I think I know where” rindou could only look down in disgust and you giggled.

“at least he gave us two time,”

you flashed him a greedy smirk.

“it’s always you quiet girls..”

but rindou was quick to crash his lips onto yours.

sorry it took so long my lovelies but i have delivered. NOT PROOFREAD

[itsgiovanna]

another side of you

pairing: fem!reader x rúben dias

type: one-shot

summary: you’ve been dating your boyfriend, jake, for three years. your relationship seems solid, but recently jake’s behavior has turned toxic, marked by jealousy and rudeness. complicating things, jake is friends with rúben dias, someone you definitely don’t get along with. but, when your relationship becomes too much, rúben reveals a protective and caring side that is completely new to you and him.

notes: this is my first one-shot with rúben, yay! hope you guys like it and i’m really open for doing a pt. 2 if this one goes well :) enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments! 🤍

warnings: abusive relationship, cursing, fluff.

face claim: dekota thompson

When you see couples kissing, laughing and having a great time together, it looks perfect. But, the truth is, it’s a lot messier than that. When you hit the three-year mark, things can get really tough, the excitement of those early days fades, couples start fighting for little stupid things that didn’t matter before. Well, you wished that having a discussion about who’s going to do the dishes was the problem with your boyfriend, Jake. He’s one of those guys who’s wonderful at the beginning, he used to bring you flowers, write sweet notes on post-it’s and take time to listen to you about a rough day at work. Now, it’s just a blank, it doesn’t even look like you both live in the same apartment anymore, not to mention he’d get unexpected angry with you.

“Where have you been, Y/N?” he says to you with a heavy tone, you try to hide the tiredness in your face and prepare for one of the many discussions you’ll have with him.

“We’re still working on that new project, I told you I’d be getting home at this time, it’s the only way we can finish it.” you go to the kitchen and hear his footsteps getting closer.

“It’s always work with you, do you really expect me to believe that?” as you turn around, Jake has his arms crossed and a rinkle on his forehead.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Jake. I’m just really tired, I don’t feel like doing this all over again.” you try to leave, but feel his hand tightening on your arm. “Please, Jake.” your voice trembles.

“Don’t make me argue with you again about your lies. If you ever give me a reason, I won’t be the one who suffers.” you’re feeling a knot in your throat, but letting him see the tears would be worse.

“I won’t, Jake.” you try to look as calm as possible.

“Good.” he looks at you with disgust before letting go of your arm, it’ll probably have a bruise in the morning but you’ve learned how to hide it with concealer. “Don’t wait up, I’m going out.”

“What?” you ask, quietly, as he’s looking for his keys and opening the door.

“Are you deaf or something, Y/N?” he laughs.

“N-No, I just thought we’d spend some time together.” it’s like deep down, you still had hope he’d change, like at the beggining of your relationship, when everything was more than perfect.

“Don’t be stupid, I’d never miss Rúben’s party.” Jack says, opening the door and leaving, like if you’re nothing to him.

Of course, the Portuguese you can’t stand.

(…)

The sound of the alarm wakes you up, it’s early in the morning but, surprisingly, you’re very much happier to be up at this time. After a quick shower, trying to shake off yesterday’s worries, you’re headed over to the kitchen pouring yourself a cup of coffee and a slice of bread, the crunch offers a small comfort.

After finishing, you’re ready to go to work.

You walk down the hallway, hitting the button of the elevator and waiting for the doors to slide open, the weather is chilly in Manchester and a cold breeze is felt as soon as you’re outside the building.

At work, you settle into your desk, and Lily, your best friend, sits down next to you.

“Hey, you.” she smiles, giving you a side hug.

“Hey, Lils.” you try to sound happy, but she knows you too well.

“Ok, you’re gonna tell me what happened.” she turns her chair to you, with her arms crossed and, clearly, worried.

“It’s nothing… We had an argument because I was late, you know how it goes.” you don’t wanna look at Lily and, suddenly, the post-it in front of you looks more interesting.

“Y/N, you deserve way better than this.” Lily reaches and squeezes your arm, but the pain expression on your face makes the woman open her mouth in disbelief. “H-He hurted you.”

“Lily, it’s ok.” you try to explain but she is still in shock.

“This is not right, Y/N!“ she practically screams, but you cover her mouth.

“Yes, but.” you sigh. “Jake cares about me and, sometimes, he just gets jealous, that’s all.” you try to stupidly explain the situation to her.

“Jealousy isn’t love. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe, not scared.” she’s brutally honest, making you feel sick to your stomach. “You can’t ignore what’s happening, Y/N. A bruise, then what? A punch?”

“What if he changes? Maybe if we talk…” you try to convince yourself, but even with such weak self-esteem, it’s hard to believe it’s going to happen.

“I get that, but imagine how much easier life could be without the worry and fear.” she holds your hand. “Please, promise you’ll think about it.”

“Ok.” you nod, but still vulnerable.

(…)

“This place is fun. I’m glad we came out tonight.” You feel a wave of happiness wash over you. It’s been ages since Jake invited you out, and you’ve missed those carefree nights together.

“Yeah, but you could’ve dressed better. People talk, Y/N. Especially when I’ve got influence.”

Jake’s words cut deeper than you’d like to admit. He’s a manager for some of Manchester United’s players, and his status means a lot. He’s right; people do notice, and his reputation hinges on appearances. But, you don’t say anything. You can’t. You’ve learned that challenging him only leads to more anger, and the last thing you want is to set him off. So, you force a smile, trying to brush it off, even though you feel smaller and more exposed than ever.

Just as you’re trying to ignore Jake’s comment, the door swings open, and a group of men walks in. You don’t quite recognize, but Jake’s face lights up at the sight of them.

“Mate, over here!” Jake calls out, waving at them. He’s suddenly in a great mood, like he forgot all about what just happened. “Thought I’d bring some friends to liven things up,” he says, glancing at you. “Hope you don’t mind.” Jake smirks, clearly enjoying himself.

As the night drags on, you can’t shake the feeling of dread in your stomach. Jake’s mood shifts with every drink and his laughter grows louder, more reckless. The playful comments quickly turn into harsh ones, all of them about you.

“Seriously, Y/N, why can’t you just relax?” he snaps, slurring his words slightly. “You’re such a buzzkill.”

You try to laugh it off, but it feels forced. Rúben and Bernardo, one of his teammates for Portugal, exchange awkward glances, unsure how to react as Jake continues to let his anger spill out. Every time he raises his glass, you brace yourself for another cutting remark. You wish you could disappear, wishing for a way out of this situation. As Jake’s mood darkens, so does the atmosphere, and you can’t help but feel trapped, the night spiraling into an awful reminder of what you hoped would be a fun evening.

“Jake, please. This is enough, let’s just go home.” you grab his arm, trying to make him listen to you.

“Why? So you can keep complaining? You’re ruining my night!” he snaps, pulling away from you. “You’re always dramatic.”

You feel the weight of his words, but you push through. “I’m not being dramatic, I just want to leave. Please.” Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you manage to pull him toward the exit.

As you step outside, he stops suddenly, anger on his face. “You’re a whore, Y/N. Practically throwing yourself at them. Thought I didn’t notice, right?” Jake laughs.

Rúben, who has been watching from a distance, steps in without hesitation.

“That’s enough.” he says, positioning himself protectively in front of you. “You need to back off. Now.”

Now, Jake shifts toward Rúben. “What did you just say to me, Diaz?”

“I won’t tell you again, I’m sick of your ridiculous games.” Rúben’s voice is steady, but there’s an edge of intensity.

Jake’s expression shifts, confusion mixed with anger as he realizes Rúben isn’t backing down. “You think you can just step in like this?” he mocks, but Rúben doesn’t flinch.

Rúben meets Jake’s gaze steadily. “Yeah, I do. Someone has to stand up for her when you won’t.”

“You’re just trying to play the hero. You have no idea what’s going on between us.” Jake says.

“I know enough.” Rúben shoots back. “I’ve seen how you treat her. It’s not right.”

Jake scoffs, his anger bubbling. “It’s been three years and she didn’t leave, maybe she likes how I treat her.”

“Does she?” Rúben challenges, his voice firm.

“I don’t.” it’s the first time you’re speaking, definitely holding back tears, but finally, standing up for yourself. “I’ve put up with it because I thought it would get better, but it hasn’t. I deserve to be treated with respect, with love. You’ll never give me these things, you’re imature, selfish and manipulative.”

Jake’s eyes widen in disbelief, anger mixed with a hint of fear. “You really think you can just walk away from this?”

You meet Jake’s gaze, unwavering. “Yes, I do. I’m tired of feeling trapped.”

“Great. You can walk home, then.” he laughs, turning his back and going inside the bar. Anything is better than having to look at his face, you say to yourself.

“I’ll give you a ride home, if that’s okay with you.” Rúben offers, breaking the silence. You hesitate, the offer surprising you. After all, Rúben and his friends has never been anything but good manners with you. Why’d he do that?

“I’m not sure, I…” you say, crossing your arms to ward off the cold.

He shrugs, a slight smile playing on his lips. “People can change. Or maybe… I just see things differently now.”

After a moment’s pause, you nod. “Okay, I’ll take you up on that.”

As you climb into the car, the interior feels comfortable and warm. But, the air is thick with an unspoken tension, both of you processing what just happened. Rúben starts the engine and you look out the window, feeling a mix of gratitude and confusion. The ride feels both long and short, your mind racing with words you want to say. You think about how Rúben stood up for you, how different this moment feels compared to how he was with you all these years, he’d always shrugged you off, making you feel invisible even when you’ve tried to be nice. Now, he’s nothing compared to the past and it’s surprisingly good to see this new side of him.

As you approach your building, the tension in the air becomes palpable. You can feel the weight of the moment, the unsaid gratitude hanging between you. Finally, as he pulls up to the curb, you take a deep breath.

“Thank you.” you whisper, feeling a newfound sense of safety with him. Rúben gives you a reassuring smile.

“Look, I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you in the past. You didn’t deserve that.”

You blink, taken aback by his honesty. “It’s okay, I guess. I just wish things had been different. Leaving Jake was the best decision I’ve made. Ever.” you laugh it off.

“If it makes you feel better, he’ll probably lose his job too. We didn’t know that he treated you that bad, Y/N. He actually used to say horrible things about you.” Rúben’s expression turns upset as he speaks. “I wish I had known what was really going on.” He shakes his head, probably regretting his decision in the past.

You can feel the weight of his words, and for the first time, you see a side of him that’s genuinely compassionate.

“It’s hard to believe anyone saw it,” you reply, nervously. “I kept hoping he’d change, that things would get better. But hearing you say that… it helps, in a way.“ you try to smile, even if it’s just a little bit.

Rúben’s expression softens, but there’s a flicker of something deeper in his eyes. “You’re better off without him, Y/N. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not tears you down. Don’t forget that.”

“Thank you, Rúben. That really means a lot.” you feel your cheeks get warm.

As he prepares to leave, a part of you wishes he wouldn’t. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you around,” he says, his voice low and with a side smile.

Making the decision to leave Jake feels like breath of fresh air. For the first time, in a long time, you envision a future filled with possibilities: new friendships, new experiences, and maybe even a deeper connection with someone who genuinely cares. Going towards your building, you feel lighter, yet, there’s a flicker of anticipation in your chest. You’re ready to embrace whatever comes next, and the thought of Rúben lingers in your mind, hinting at a future that might be more exciting than you ever expected.

[seat-safety-switch]

Although I am perfectly willing to blame my circumstances, the fact remains: I am a lazy son of a bitch. I could have easily gotten myself to whatever level of success I wished, if it weren’t so much more appealing to spend my time dicking around with old cars, and doing petty crimes to pay for the aforementioned dicking. Everything changed recently, though, with one discovery.

Berkeley University, the stupid bastards, have a policy: there are special reserved parking spaces provided to Nobel laureates on their campus. Special... and free. Free parking inside a major urban centre is already remarkable, but for it to be free and reserved? I immediately phoned up their switchboard, and the friendly-but-standoffish person who answered confirmed my ridiculous question. A Nobel Prize meant a guaranteed parking spot in California.

This was what I needed to finally slough off a life of self-imposed torpor. I drew the blinds, filled a bowl with party snacks, and set about solving the problem of microplastic contamination. I’m not gonna lie to you and say that it was easy, but you know that giant mass of old fishing nets and condoms that used to be floating in the South China Sea? You’re welcome. After that, it was all handshaking and dinner dates with awestruck Norwegian bombshells, and I had my parking spot.

If campus security tried anything, I just had to show them my Nobel Fucking Prize, and they would have to sneer and shout at me after retreating to their little meter maid dorkmobile. I immediately left my ‘76 Volare there (it no longer can survive the winters) and went home in my other ‘76. Several days later, I arrived at my home to realize I had a bunch of other cars that were also catching parking tickets from the local fuzz. Didn’t those ungrateful jerks know I’m a Nobel Laureate?

I called Berkeley again. If I got another Nobel Prize, I asked... could I get another spot? Sure, they said, laughing with disbelief (it was at this moment I realized I was likely on speakerphone.) Go fucking nuts. So I did. This time I busted out some old biology knowledge and invented a cure for malaria. You’re welcome. Sure, I could have sold it for millions, but millions of dollars doesn’t buy me a free parking spot. It buys me an expensive parking spot, and if I wanted to do that, I’d get a job.

What’s next for my journeys into scientific reasoning? Well, they ran out of free Nobel spots on the campus, so things are a little delayed right now. I’m still in negotiations. They said they might name a building after me, but it’s not going to be a parking garage, so why bother improving civilization at all?

[kinardsevan]

spinning bottles (i ain't got a guy for that)

(or read on ao3)

Tommy Kinard was the guy with all the answers, at least to all of his friends. He was the one that got the phone call when someone needed their car fixed, when they needed last-minute tickets to an event, when they were trying to figure out the maintenance on a rotary-winged machine. He was the guy that people called when they needed a shoulder because, when he was willing to let them in, he was a damn good listener. He was the guy who, on more than one occasion, had picked up the phone for his old army buddies at 3 AM, only to find out they were out at a dive somewhere, well past bar-close because they’d drunk themselves to the bottom of a keg trying to forget shit they’d done half a world away.

But he was also the guy that stared at his phone without answers or a person to call when it was him buried inside a bottle. He was the guy that fixed his own problems, was desperately trying to find a way to spend his time in the air when he wasn’t on shift. He was the guy that couldn’t get it together for his girlfriend of two years when she needed him to get it together the most. And that felt like everything else was just fucking failure.

He tilts up the bottle of Jack to his lips and takes another long sip from it, staring emotionlessly at the beige walls inside his bathroom.

“You gonna pop the question soon, kid,” his dad had commented, the last time they’d talked on the phone. Tommy never called the man out of interest to have a real conversation, but anytime his father called, he still felt some ridiculous need to fulfill a sanctimonious duty of being a good son to the man who couldn’t give two fucks that he’d made it back from Iraq alive. Robert Kinard hadn’t ever been the kind of parent that gave a damn about his kid. He called when he had something to brag about, or worse when he wanted Tommy to give him the details on a publicized save he’d been a part of so that he could use it as water cooler talk. His father didn’t give a damn that coming home from Iraq came with demons. He didn’t care that fighting fires for a living came with scars and loss. He didn’t care that Tommy wasn’t a machine that could just turn everything off, regardless of the fact that he’d raised him to be exactly that way.

Tommy Kinard had been the equivalent of a wildflower growing out of concrete from day one. He’d never fit into the mold of what three generations of Kinard military men expected him to be. He was too soft, too friendly, too giving. And certainly, the military, Captain Gerrard, and his own mother had managed to pick away at the pieces of those parts of his personality. But it never took too long for people to get to the core of who he’d always been if they were willing to try. Howie had been proof of that.

He drops his skull back against the wall, closes his eyes.

Abby deserved better. She still deserves better. He knew she was already going through it with everything happening with her mom. Worse, he knows she needs a partner she can count on in the midst of everything going on. He wishes to God he could be that person.

The problem is, he’s never been enough, not even for her. He could never rise to the bar that’s been set for him in this life, meet her in the light and the darkness and be the kind of man she deserves. Is that his fault? He used to think it was because of all the compounded trauma. That maybe if he just found a way to deal with it all, face the ways in which he was never good enough for his father, and how his mother’s love seemed to turn on a dime (the dime being his father’s presence), maybe he’d finally be good enough.

Except. At some point you have to own it all, right? You have to accept that other people aren’t the problem, you’re just not capable of being the person you should be.

Maybe that would be okay if he wasn’t always failing everyone, all the time.

“I’m sorry,” he’d told her that morning, and he’d meant it. He really was sorry. He was sorry she was losing so much at once. He was sorry he’d lied to himself again, that he could fall in love with a woman, be the person she needed, settle down, and get married. He was sorry he was failing another person that he’d promised he would be better to. He was sorry that he was never enough.

. . .

“Kinard.”

Bobby’s voice cuts through his thoughts like a scalpel through skin, straightening his spine instantaneously as he nears the men’s locker room. He turns, spots his captain standing some fifteen feet away next to the ladder truck.

“Yeah,” he calls back.

“Come see me when you’re on shift.”

He lets out a huff, but doesn’t argue the issue. Rushes through getting ready for the day, into his uniform and then brushing his teeth as a last-ditch attempt to cover up the smell of alcohol on his breath. He’d already had several cups of coffee and gargled with mouthwash before leaving home. (No one needed to know if he threw a shot of Jack into that coffee.)

He exits the locker room as Howie enters along with a few other guys coming onto shift, heads up to the loft, and over to Bobby’s office. Knocks twice, waits on the call-back that it’s okay to enter. He pushes the door open a crack.

“Cap?”

Bobby waves him in, moving paperwork around on his desk. “Come on in, Kinard. Close the door behind you.”

Tommy nods, sliding through the door and closing it as ordered. He crosses the room and takes one of the chairs in front of Bobby’s desk. He rubs his palms against his pants, trying to lose the sweatiness caused by the anxiety of this meeting. No one just asks for a one-on-one first thing if it isn’t serious.

“Look, I’m keen to let you leave whatever personal business happens outside of these four walls to yourself,” Bobby tells him. “But you gotta get it together, kid.”

Tommy flinches a little, clears his throat.

“I’m not finished,” Bobby adds. He takes a long breath, shuffles more papers on his desk before he lifts one, moves it across the desk towards Tommy. His gaze falls to the sheet. He recognizes it.

“Transfer? Bobby-..”

“I said I wasn’t finished,” Bobby continues, just a tinge of admonishment in his tone. “I’m not kicking you out of here, Kinard. But it seems to me that you’re going through something, and I don’t know. But maybe you’ve been going through it for a while. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but sometimes a new scenery can provide a new perspective. I know you’ve talked about pursuing your FAA licenses off-shift, and a new position is opening up over at the 217,” he explains.

Tommy glances down at the sheet again, considering what Bobby is telling him. A new firehouse across town, where he doesn’t know anyone and nobody knows him. A fresh start. A place he could fly, both literally and figuratively.

He looks up at Bobby apprehensively. “You-…but you said-..”

Bobby shakes his head. “Your work has still been acceptable, Kinard,” he comments. “You’re toeing a fine line right now. What I’m saying is…if you want out, there’s a door.”

Tommy nods, looking back down at the sheet. The weight of it all is a lot to take on and consider.

“I know Raglan over at Harbor has you on his radar,” Bobby adds. “Anyone else they get in there is going to have to start flight training from scratch. And I’m not at all saying that the 118 doesn’t need you. But maybe you need the 217 more than we need you.”

. . .

Tommy Kinard is the guy everybody calls. He’s the guy they call when their car is making a funny noise. He’s the guy they ring when they miss out on buying tickets to the fight in Vegas and need a quick connection. He’s the guy his friends reach out to when they need to fly out into the middle of nowhere on a hunch with almost no evidence.

He’s the guy who picks up the phone when they need all of those things.

He’s the guy who picks up the phone and calls his new friend after an awkward basketball game ending and a tour that feels like it’s filled with innuendos. He’s the guy who puts all the effort into showing up for the boy he just started dating because something about all the conversations they haven’t had yet still tells him that being shown up for is important to him.

He’s the guy who had to figure out how to set himself free, maybe at the suggestion of his former captain, maybe a little bit of his own volition. He’s the guy who could only watch with adoration when he watched his boyfriend hurdle through all the steps of coming out in a few weeks when it took him years.

He’s the guy who sat down some five years ago and wrote Abby a letter, mailed it off to her brother, and told her that she had deserved so much better than who he was all those years ago. Mentioned that he’d heard through the grapevine that she was getting married and he only wished the best for her.

Eight years later, he wakes up to sunlight streaming through Evan’s windows, small shadows falling across the pillows from wayward curls. Their legs are tangled, the younger man’s arm tossed over Tommy’s torso while his head is buried against the juncture of his shoulder. His fingers tangle through the curls as he leans in, and kisses Evan’s forehead. The blond hums softly against him, eyebrows raising and then scrunching as his muscles tense and then loosen, his body letting go of the last dregs of sleep.

His blue eyes flutter open, staring straight ahead for just half a second before he tilts his head up on Tommy’s shoulder, smiling wearily at him.

“Morning,” he murmurs, sleep laced around his throat.

“Morning, gorgeous,” Tommy murmurs back at him. He shifts minutely, his spine popping with the movement, but doesn’t move away. Evan presses harder into his side and he chuckles. “Have a good dream, did you?”

Evan yawns, pushes up on his elbow to gain a little leverage, and then lifts his free hand up, fingers capturing Tommy’s chin before he leans down and kisses his boyfriend, morning breath be damned.

“Always having good dreams when I’m next to you,” he states softly between kisses. “Think you can help me solve my problem?”

Tommy smirks into the kiss, tilting up onto his side on the bed before flipping them over, leaning into the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away as Evan grinds his hips up, his mouth finding Tommy’s trapezius muscle.

“Mmm,” Tommy moans softly, biting down on the hinge of Evan’s jaw before he leans up into his ear. “I think I’ve got a guy for that.”

[write-here-n-now]

What to do when you've crossed a line?

C.(S). Jeonghan x Reader | WC. 1218 | G. Angst| Pt. 3/? | *Jeonghan's POV* |

Part 1 | Part 2

When someone you care for deeply, tell all your secrets to and want to spend all your time with blurts out a love confession to you in the middle of the night, what possible responses could you come up with? 

You could tell them thank you. You could maybe get by with an awkward “oh”. If you weren’t completely caught off guard you could maybe start questioning them. When? Where? How long? Why? And with just their luck you could respond with “finally” but none of those responses came out of Jeonghan when Y/N confessed to him.

Why? Well because…

Why? Why? Why? Because, because, because had been swimming around in his head for days. He didn’t dare to stop you from walking away or chase after you and he stood there, frozen and shocked, watching you walk away from him. 

You needed space, he reasoned with himself, so he walked away, towards his apartment, repeating your words over and over in his head 

“I’m in love with you” “You don’t even care”

He always had an answer for everything. His tongue short, witty, ready for any comment, but never had he felt like he had escaped the ability to think of words much less get them out of his mouth, only yours stayed, knocking around in his head. 

He was a coward, that much evident that he couldn’t even pick up the phone to press your contact. Fear and worry were holding him back but at the same time limiting him. How long can you avoid speaking to your best friend? His friends tried to pry why he suddenly became AWOL for the last three days; he couldn’t even give them an answer.

*Ping* “Where have you been the past few days?” - Mingyu *Ping* “There is a new restaurant near campus, I’ll pay” - Jun *Ping* “How long are you gonna be cooped up at home?” - Seungkwan *Ping* “Are you good?” - Hyungwon *Ping* “You haven’t been to class for a while…everything ok?” - Joshua *Ping* “It’s literally midterm season, are you studying or avoiding exams?” - Woozi

Not a single notification interested him, he knew none of them were yours. How had he taken your presence for granted and now all he wished were for you to message him, even if it was to curse at him, call him names; anything at all would have worked.

Jeonghan hadn’t been hurt in love. He’d fallen in love and fallen out. He’d had his fair of crushes and partners, but you can never prepare for falling in love with your best friend. Losing your most cherished friend comes with a feeling of hollowness, one that leaves you feeling restless and alone. He couldn’t lose you, not like this anyway. He hadn’t eaten, sleep wouldn’t come easy no matter how much he wished it to. He checked his phone despite knowing full well you would never in a million years reach out after the situation he had created for you two. 

Four days was how long it took for Seungcheol to bust down his door and drag him out of the house. 

“You can’t be inside for this long. You need to get out of the house…maybe even clean it up”

Walking up to his bed, Seungcheol pulls off the covers and grabs a hold of Jeonghan’s arms, pulling the man towards him haphazardly trying to get him to a standing position.

Seungcheol’s strength was unmatched, and the most Jeonghan could do was continue being deadweight and cause him enough resistance until Seungcheol let him be, but his friend was nothing if not fucking persistent. Any other time, Jeonghan would appreciate it but he couldn’t find it within himself to face the world, what if everyone laughed at him?

Letting him go, Jeonghan falls back into the lying position Seungcheol had found him in, attempting to sleep without avail.

“She’s on campus today,” Seungcheol mentioned in a tone so nonchalant, hands on hips as if Jeonghan wasn’t mentally beating himself up all week trying to figure out how he could see your face. “Don’t lie to me” “Why would I need to lie to you? I know you probably haven’t seen her in the last four days like a coward,” he replies as he walks towards Jeonghan’s closet. “I saw her as at the campus café after my morning lecture.”

Despite never properly admitting how enamoured he was by you, Jeonghan had spilled everything from the day of the party over the phone to Seungcheol two nights ago. From the dejection in his voice, yet the coolness of his words gave away the façade he was still trying to put up; he was only hurt that his best friend confessed and stopped speaking to him, which was also his fault for enacting by not even a weak effort to leave a voicemail.

The wheels were turning in his head, maybe if Seungcheol could get them to see each other there could still be some salvage to their friendship and perhaps a potential beginning to a future being something more.

Wide-eyed and frozen, Jeonghan’s face is met with a thump of the hoodie and jeans.

“Here, put this on and get down to the car in the next 15 minutes,” Seungcheol yells out walking out of the room.

Never in his life had he rushed to dress faster. He had to see you today and clear up everything, if he didn’t, he could kiss you and your friendship goodbye. 

Seungcheol had said 15 minutes as a courtesy, he hadn’t expected Jeonghan to surge into his car, 7 minutes later, hair a mess, shoes untied (were they on the wrong foot?), phone in hand, yet not even a pencil on him—if he hadn’t picked out the hoodie himself he would have thought a random stranger burst into his car. 

“Let's go,” Jeonghan breathes out, clearly spent from sprinting out of his apartment. “Whoa, hold on, are you going to go to campus like this?” “Nobody is going to care, just drive” “...ok…don’t say I didn’t give a chance to change,” Seungcheol reprimands as he starts the car and begins to reverse out of the parking lot.

The ride to the campus is silent save for Jeonghan’s fingers drumming against in thigh, then the dashboard, then the edge of the door, then again on his thigh.

“Can you maybe not use my car as a drum set?” “I can’t help it. What if Y/N doesn’t let me explain?” “What exactly do you plan to say?” questions Seungcheol.

He knew Jeonghan could likely talk himself out of a literal court case but if he hadn’t been able to face his feelings for you before…His hopes were low.

Pin drop silence. He had been planning all the possible scenarios and speeches he could utter the minute he found the presence of your face in his vicinity, promising himself to not let you walk away again.

“..i..”

The ever-infamous smooth talker Yoon Jeonghan was once again brought into debilitating silence, as if speech was foreign to his lips and thoughts vanished completely.

What was he going to say to you, could he even say anything to you that would make up for how he ghosted you since that night?

Worst of all, would you forgive him?

[drabbles-mc]

I Said I'm Fine

JJ Maybank x F!Reader

For Day 14 of @whumpril's 2023 Challenge: false smile / holding back tears / "I said I'm fine"

Warnings: 18+, language, angst

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: I've been wanting to write for JJ again for a while now and these prompts just seemed to good to pass up for him. Hope you enjoy!

OBX Taglist: @garbinge @passionatewrites (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

The pogues all getting back to the Outer Banks was the biggest news on the island since they’d all gone missing. It was funny to you how much people had switched up about them once they were missing. People that you knew for a fact had never said a kind word to any of them were suddenly saying how worried they were, how they hoped that they were all okay wherever they were. It was all bullshit, and you knew it, but it wasn’t worth fighting with them over.

You almost wished that any of it had been sincere, because at least then it wouldn’t have felt like you were suffering alone. But, as it stood, you had no one. The more time that went by, the less people even pretended to care, and the more alone you felt.

But then they all came home.

There was nothing else in your life that could’ve compared to the feeling of relief that came when you found out that it was true, that they really were all back on the island. All of those weeks with absolutely no news, and now you were going to be able to see them all again. It felt like your heart was going to leap clean out of your chest.

You didn’t really know what you expected, but when you stopped by the chateau to see everyone, the only person that you saw there was John B. It made sense that everyone would’ve gone off in their different directions, but part of you was hoping that you would be able to see them all together before they split off.

It didn’t stop you from hugging John B tight enough to you to risk cracking his ribs. “I’m so glad you guys are okay,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.

He laughed but you could hear the heaviness in it as he said, “Yea, me too.”

Pulling back, you quickly wiped the tears from your face. “Where…where is everyone?”

He shook his head, looking as bewildered as you felt. He didn’t know what else to do besides shrug. “Not sure. I think that everyone went…went home. Sarah went to get some stuff from Tannyhill but then she’ll be back here.”

“What about JJ?”

John B shrugged again. “He didn’t say where he was going exactly. Just figured he was going back to his house.”

Your heart sank at that. His house. His house that you knew for a fact was now taped off and slated to be seized by the bank. His house that he had been dying to get out of for years before all of this, and now it was only going to be worse.

Trying to get your feelings under control, you nodded. “Right. I’m, um, I’m gonna go see if I can catch up with him. I’ll try to track down Pope and Kie tomorrow.”

John B nodded. “Sure thing.”

Pulling him into another hug, you told him, “I’m so fucking glad you guys are home.”

He eased into the hug, squeezing you back for a moment. “Thank you.”

Without wasting another minute, you took off from the chateau back to your car and started towards JJ’s. You’d been stopping there on your rounds while everyone had been gone. You’d been stopping by the chateau too, on the off chance that they all appeared again and were just trying to lay low like the last time they dropped off the radar.

Practically jumping out of your car, you started making your way towards the front door. You saw the tape across it, but you also saw the way that the front door had been opened anyway. A heaviness settled in your chest as you realized that JJ had to come home after so many weeks away, to this. You’d been spending all of those weeks alone, but JJ had to come back to loneliness. That was an entirely different kind of pain.

Letting yourself in the house, you called out for him. “JJ?”

There was the sound of something clattering to the ground followed by the heavy footsteps that let you know that while a lot of things might have changed, JJ still hadn’t lost his boots. Any of the comfort that you found in that realization, however, was lost when JJ emerged from where his bedroom used to be. The lost look on his face broke your heart, but what made it worse was the fact that he tried to paint a smile on over it as he said your name.

“What’re you doing here?”

You wanted to step in closer to him, but it felt like your feet were glued to the floor. “I just, um, I wanted to come and see you.”

He held his arms out, the fake smile growing sadder by the second. “Here I am.”

Something about the sadness in his face got your feet to finally cooperate with the rest of you. Crossing the room in what felt like two long strides, you landed yourself right in front of him. “I missed you.”

“I—” his sentence was cut short for a moment as you wrapped him up in a hug. He settled into it, but you could feel the way that he was beginning to shake as he said, “I missed you too.”

The two of you stood like that for a long time, wrapped up in the middle of the dirty living room of Luke’s abandoned house. You were making up for lost time, all the days and nights that you’d spent worrying about him, about all of them. Every day that went by it felt less and less likely that you’d ever get the chance to hug JJ like this again. But he was here now, and you didn’t want to let him go.

JJ, on the other hand, was holding you tight in the hopes that if he held you tight enough, held you long enough, that the world around him would somehow change. As long as your arms were squeezing around his middle, and his eyes were shut tight as he buried his face into your shoulder, the sad reality of all that he had to come back to on the island wasn’t something that he had to deal with.

You could feel it as he started to shake more, could feel how he was trying desperately to hold back his tears. Running your hand up and down his back, you said, “You can talk to me, you know.”

That snapped him out of the sad but wishful state that he’d been in. Pulling away from you, he sniffled and shook his head, trying to blink his tears back into submission. “Talk? What’s,” he forced a laugh, “what’s there to talk about?”

“JJ—”

“No, no,” he waved you off, taking a step back, “I’m fine. Really. Why,” he let out a sad laugh as he held his arms out, gesturing to the room around you, “why wouldn’t I be good? I’m home! All those weeks away and I’m finally fucking home!”

You felt your bottom lip starting to quiver. “I’m sorry.”

Heat crept up the back of his neck—he could feel the anger threatening to roll over him. It wasn’t about you. None of this was your fault. But the longer he stood there, looking at you and the sad, sympathetic look in your eyes, the more he felt like he was going to take it out on you anyway. It wasn’t fair. But nothing about any of this really was.

“What do you have to be sorry for? I said I’m fine. I’m back,” he kicked an empty beer can to the side, “back in paradise.”

You knew that there was nothing to say that was going to soothe the pain he was feeling. Everyone else was coming home to things that were theirs, coming home to families of some kind. But not him. He had an empty, foreclosed house and that was it. John B had the chateau, Sarah had John B, Kiara had her parents, and Pope had his. Everyone had someone to lean on, something that was waiting to welcome them home. JJ had you, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t what he was looking for.

“You don’t gotta stay,” he said after a long stretch of silence. “I’m all good here, if you couldn’t tell.”

“I want to stay,” you told him, hoping to make him realize that he wasn’t as alone as he felt.

He scoffed. “No one wants to stay here. I don’t want to stay here, that’s for damn sure. Luke didn’t wanna stay here either! Hell, I didn’t even want to come back at all!”

The tears that were lingering at the edges of your eyes finally started to spill over. “JJ…”

“No, no,” he waved you off, “don’t do that. Don’t look at me like that, say my name like that.”

“I’m not—”

“What are you even doing here, anyway?”

Wiping at the tears on your face, you asked, “Is it not obvious?” You could tell by the look on his face when he opened his mouth that he was going to have another sarcastic comment for you, so you cut him off before he could start. “I’ve been worried sick about you for well over a month, JJ. You were missing. I, I was worried that you were dead.”

“Well,” he threw his hands up, “I’m not. I’m good. So you can—”

“You’re not good, JJ! Stop saying that!” You took a step towards him, erasing the distance that he’d tried to put there. “You’re not good. Nothing…nothing about this situation is good. I, I get that.”

You didn’t get it fully. But you were at least in a place where you could see it more than anyone else had been capable of. That’s why you were standing there with him while everyone else was gone. You were expecting JJ to throw it back in your face, though, the way that you couldn’t possibly understand it all. You braced yourself for a tirade, but it never came. The anger that was beginning to flood his eyes slowly started to drain, the sadness and loss creeping back in its stead. You saw the way he tried to keep his tears at bay as he shook his head at you, trying to figure out what to say next.

All you wanted to do was pull him out of that god forsaken house and never let him go back. Your mind was already racing, trying to come up with a plan for it all. But you also knew that the best plan in the world wasn’t going to matter if JJ didn’t agree to it. It all hinged on him being willing to let his guard down, let someone help.

“Please come stay with me,” you finally said.

He froze, clearly not expecting that to be the next thing you said. “What?”

“Come stay with me. At least for a little while, until we figure out what to do next.”

He shook his head. “No, no I can’t…you’re just…no. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

He stepped back and started to pace. “Just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean—”

“This is just as much for me as it is for you,” you said, cutting him off.

It wasn’t a lie, either. You didn’t want JJ to be squatting in Luke’s house for a multitude of reasons. You knew that nothing good was going to come of that. However, you would’ve been lying if you tried to say that convincing him to stay with you and your family didn’t have some selfish ulterior motives to it. All those weeks of not knowing where he was, it would be nice to know that he was just down the hall.

He could see the sincerity in your eyes. Part of him knew that he wasn’t going to end up winning this argument, but another part of him wasn’t going to let him give in without a fight.

“What about your parents?”

You laughed and shook your head, wiping at the tears on your face. “I’ve been telling you for years, JJ, my parents actually like you.”

He never believed it when you said it. You didn’t exactly blame him—most people on the island didn’t like JJ simply because they knew his last name. That, and he had a hard time not feeding into the animosity of it all once he found out that people didn’t particularly trust him. But your parents hadn’t ever treated him poorly, hadn’t ever made him feel less-than. You knew that some of it came from pity, but it was better than them treating him poorly.

It'd been a long enough stretch of silence to allow him to think when you finally spoke up again. “Please?”

He hesitated for another moment longer, but then gave in with a nod. “Okay.” He wiped at the tears on his face. “Just, just until I figure out something else.”

Relief flooded through you as you nodded. “Of course.”

Stepping in, JJ wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug, finally allowing himself to fall apart for a moment. “Thank you.”

You held him tight. “Of course.” Hooking your chin over his shoulder, you let your hand trail up and down his back. “I love you, you know.”

You felt the way he nodded as he kept you clung close to him. “I know.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I love you too.”

[smilesstyless]

Birthday show with surprises

Summary: it’s Harry’s birthday show and you find out you’re pregnant. Harry is starting a conversation with you

Pairing: singer!harry x fem!reader

Wordcount: 793

Trigger warnings: a bit angst at the end

Inspired by this

You are nervous you got the results of your pregnancy test back and today was also Harry’s birthday and you’re supposed to go.

You slowly open the letter and look at the results. You couldn’t believe what stands there. You’re pregnant. She can’t believe that.

You spend too much money on this ticket, you can’t stay home. Y/n is still shocked, she cried a bit and then she made a sign, I found out I’m pregnant.

Harry is looking through the crowd, he was asking if everyone is okay and the crowd said no. He was making sure everyone was having a good time.

Harry is looking through the crowd, he was asking if everyone is okay and the crowd said no. He was making sure everyone was having a good time.

He already sang a few songs like cinema, keep driving, and canyon moon. then he got back to reading the signs. He looked at the crowd, some of them said, shaved for Harry or sing grape juice but he didn’t care about them. His eyes stopped at your sign.

“You found out today?” Harry asks you.

“Yes, I’m three months pregnant,” you say a bit shyly. Today is Harry’s day and you make it about yourself but Harry doesn’t think like that he thinks it’s wonderful.

“Three months, congrats. Are you excited? Are you terrified? It’s gonna be fine,” he smiles friendly at her.

“I am terrified, I’m on my own,” she looks at Harry. She still is shocked he’s talking to her.

“Is it the first one? I know you will be a great mum,” he smiles. “I wish you luck,” he added.

“I can tell from looking from the window of my soul into the window of your soul,” Harry first points at his eyes and then he points at y/n her eyes. “Through those beautiful windows, that you’re gonna be great you seem like a great person. You’re gonna be great,” you blush at the statement from Harry, that your eyes are beautiful. She’s still shocked that Harry talked to her. The crowd is cheering.

During the rest of the show Harry checked on you a few times, he makes sure everything is alright. “I wish I could hug you,” He saw her crying and said it right after Matilda.

•••

One of the security guards stopped her, “H wants to talk to you,” she follows the guards backstage. She stands in front of Harry’s dressing room. She was about to knock, he opens the door. He isn’t wearing a shirt, just the pants from earlier. He lets her go inside.

“May I hug you?” She nodded her head. Harry wraps his arms around her body. He puts his hands into fits and touches her back. His hug is warm and comforting.

“You will do great, don’t be scared,” he whispers into her neck.

“I’m alone, I have nobody,” she sobs. Harry noticed she started crying. He slowly rocked them both back and forth. Y/n hides her face in his chest.

“You’re not alone,” he coos.

“I am, you wouldn’t understand. So many people support you and I have nobody’s support with the baby,” she sobs out.

“You have mine,” y/n looks up at Harry who is smiling at the thought of babysitting them. "I can babysit," he smiled.

“You don’t mean that, you are famous,” she mumbles to herself. She can’t even afford some things a baby needs, like a crib.

“And that doesn’t mean I’m no human. I care about so much and let me care about you,” he wipes her tears away.

“H, we are celebrating. Are you coming out?” Mitch asked.

“One minute,” he says.

“What’s your name? I forgot to ask you earlier,” he puts a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“It’s y/n,” she smiled shyly. “I need to go home now,” she told Harry. He lets go of the hug and grabs himself a sweater and some sweatpants, he puts the sparkly pants off and the gray sweatpants on.

“I’ll bring you to the car,” he offers her his hand.

“But your party—” she mumbles. She grabs Harry’s hand and he interlocks his fingers with hers. “Can wait, first I need to bring you safely to your car,” he says.

Outside are a few cars left, Harry pulled his hood up, he doesn’t want to be seen.

Y/n and Harry arrive at the car, she opens it and slides in the driver's seat, and Harry opens the door to the passenger's side.

“Enter your number, and I’ll call you okay?” He’s kind of scared she will give it away. “Don’t give this number to anyone else. I’ve never done this before,” he admits.

“I won’t,” Harry gets out of the car and was about to close the door. “I wish you a happy rest birthday,” Harry’s smile brightens.

“Thanks, get home safely,” he added.

[mvltisstuff]

Hi hun!!! can I do a request for Evan Buckley where reader is getting really stressed at work (she works in fast food or a restaurant, yes I'm projecting lol) and he visits her at work and helps home her down and get her less stressed? just a really fluffy comfort fic, I've had such a terrible day at work I need comfort lol 🫶🫶

this love - e.b

summary: request

evan buckley x reader

gif from @housewifebuck

a/n: i’m so sorry about your day at work ml. i wanted to prioritize this so hopefully it makes your day a little better. <33 sending you the best wishes

y/n could already tell the day wasn’t going to be kind to her. working at a restaurant where the customers think they own the place can be hell, especially when the managers do nothing about it. she tried to walk in with a smile on her face, but some days it was near impossible.

it didn’t help that buck had to leave for work early today, her not being able to spend time with him before. it killed her not being able to see him or just talk to him. he always made her worries disappear and he was the reason good days were good. he knew all she dealt with, almost being grateful that he ran into fires and didn’t deal with snobby people.

y/n just tried to force herself through her long shift thinking about buck waiting for her when she got home. she so badly just wanted him to be there with her. but, he wasn’t there. so, she dealt with it like always and pushed through people complaining.

it wasn’t until one family walked in, four loud kids and parents who pretended they weren’t there. y/n was, of course, blessed with being their waitress for the night. she could visibly see the discomfort of the people around that table, their faces scrunching up after one of the children yelled once again. it came time for them to order drinks, and the smile plastered on y/n’s face was close to breaking.

“hi guys!” she said sweetly. “i’m gonna be helping you today, any drinks i can get you started with?” the kids didn’t even notice her existence, the dad ordering a large beer and the mother trying to order a drink. y/n could barely hear her over her children speaking way too loud. “and for the kids?”

“oh, yeah,” the mom turned to look at her kids. “hey! tell her what you want.”

“uh…” the boy looked at the menu, trying to pick something to drink as y/n tried to be patient with all of them. she should be in the back right now, getting them their beverages but she’s waiting on people who she can’t even hear. “dr. pepper, please.”

“no,” the mom spoke next. “we didn’t come her for soda, get something else.”

the kid rolled his eyes, giving y/n the same stare like it was her fault. she didn’t blame the kid, clearly the parents didn’t teach their children proper manners in a restaurant. “why?” he complained.

“listen to your mother, cameron,” the dad chimed in, snapping back into reality. “he’ll have a water.”

“alright,” y/n replied, keeping her cool still. she painfully takes the rest of the orders. “i’ll be back with those.”

she lines up all the drinks on the tray, walking back out and passing them to the family. she takes an order for any appetizers, and the kids dig in instantly when they come out. when y/n starts walking away, this old woman pulls her away to her table.

“hello, darling,” she begins, and y/n can already sense what she’s saying. “i’m sorry to bother you, i know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but could you maybe ask them to quiet down?” she questions, motioning to the family.

y/n wants to say yes, appreciating the kindness from the woman. however, the thing holding her back is that the family doesn’t look willing to lower their volume. “i’ll try, ma’am. i’m very sorry about all this.”

“no worries,” she smiles and y/n walks away. she figures she has time to form her question to the family incase they twist her words. when she comes back out to get their dinner orders, she decides to ask them.

“ok, are we ready for entrees?”

“yes, finally,” the mom says, adjusting herself in the seat and beginning. “i’ll do just a chicken breast, like, just the breast, and then a side of avocado.”

y/n looks at her confused, knowing that’s not an option on the menu but attempting to continue anyway. “i’m not sure that’s on the menu, is there anything specifically on there that interests you?”

“well, you have chicken and avocado because it’s in the other dishes,” she sighs. “so i can’t just do that?”

“most of our dishes are prepared ahead of time, so the ingredients are for those spec-“

“alright, can’t you just ask the chef?”

“i have had similar requests, and he’s not allowed to switch things up like that,” y/n starts to get more irritated, wishing she could just order a simple thing on the menu and be done with it.

“fine, whatever,” she rolls her eyes just like her child did. “come back to me.”

“ok, and for you?” she moves to the kids, asking them despite their lack of attention to her. the father is still gandering at the menu, neither of them focusing on their kids. her social battery is running out quickly, being physically drained from this family. she desperately looked at the clock, seeing that the time she was done wasn’t any where near. she sighed, looking back at the kids, hoping maybe they’d notice her now. maybe it was just her, but y/n felt like the kids were getting louder and louder by the second, acting like animals in the middle of the restaurant. their voices were ringing in her ears, completely overwhelming her as she said something to the parents. “i’m sorry, can you guys just get your kids to settle down? we’ve had more complaints from other tables and i just need to take your order to get the food for you.”

“i’m sorry,” y/n could tell by the tone in her voice that it was nothing but sarcasm. “isn’t this a family friendly restaurant? i mean, seriously, first it takes forever to order, and once we do, it’s not allowed to be made! like, who is in charge here?”

“miss, i’m sorry it’s been slow, but i’m just trying to make things as smooth as possible,” y/n says. “and family friendly does not mean this is somewhere to shout and mess around.”

“i’m just,” she chuckles, keeping the scrutinizing tone. “i cant believe the treatment we’ve gotten today, it’s completely ridiculous. how you have a job here still is beyond me. this whole place i’m surprised us still in business.”

y/n can feel the anger bubbling up, watching this woman degrade her and her job in front of everyone. it’s part humiliation, trying to figure out why she’s screaming at y/n in front of the other tables. “alright, listen,” y/n breaks. “i cant stop you from being upset, but if you let me try and help you, maybe we can fix it?”

“this is completely unacceptable,” the woman places her napkin on the table. “get me the person who’s running this.”

y/n turns away, going to find her incompetent boss to deal with them. once she looks all over for her, finding her at the entrance, she starts to talk. “hey, i’m sorry, i have a family here, the one with the super loud kids, the mom wants to talk to you. she’s not happy with me because i told her-“

“i don’t need the story, y/n,” her boss groans, looking at her. “i thought you could handle this.”

“she’s refusing to listen, i don’t know what to tell you,” y/n tells as if it’s not completely different as to how both of them are acting.

“go work downstairs at the bar if you can’t handle doing this,” her boss moves out of the way, just making y/n feel even more embarrassed and exhausted. she feels the families eyes burning into the back of her, trying to cover up the burning in her own eyes. the tears sizzle up on her waterline, but refusing to let them fall. she moves downstairs, hoping the people at the bar are more compliant down there. really, she just wants to go home and see buck.

he knows how hard it is. he’s had his fair share of difficult people, and he always knows how to bring y/n down. she imagines he’s here now, but he only is in her head.

she painstakingly takes drink orders from old dudes who think she’s cute, and orders from people who barely look 21. she pushes through anyway, the clock moving slow as ever. someone must be punishing her, screwing up the time and making it turn distinctly sluggish.

the next time the bell on the door rings, she just turns away, not wanting to handle another person today. she just wants her paycheck and to be done with the day, going home to lay with buck and feel his hands on her skin. some angel from above must’ve heard her, because she saw buck and his team walking into the bar. he normally goes to the other bars, but something told him be bad to see y/n.

normally, she answers a few texts in between waiting, sending him a sweet text or replying to one of his. he’s sent her several, apologizing for leaving so early and how excited he is to see her. no response or anything, just a quick read receipt alarmed him.

she looks at him and makes eye contact, letting her shoulders droop at he sits in front of her. “hi, baby.”

“hey,” she replies. “how was work?”

“it was pretty good, you?” he looks into her eyes, small and tired and he can immediately feel somethings wrong. the rest of the team turns away like they’re not listening, but secretly worried for their friends. “what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” she shakes her head. “what do you guys want tonight?”

“club soda for bobby, old fashioned for me,” she starts to turn away before getting the rest of the drinks, but buck won’t let her. “hey, you ok?”

“i’m fine,” she fake grins. “just let me get started with those.”

“there’s no rush, y/n, don’t worry about it,” buck tries to put his hand on hers, as she just looks down at it. he can see the light sparkling in her eyes, the certain one he never wants to see. “alright, come here.” he leads her behind the counter, pulling her away into the single bathrooms. when the door is finally locked behind them, the tears break in her eyes and they start flowing out. “no, baby, hey,” he swipes a few away, grabbing her hand and pulling her into his chest. “what happened?”

“i’m just doing the best i can and it’s not enough,” she says quietly, muffled by bucks jacket. his heart breaks to hear her sad voice, but he lets her continue. “i’m just trying to pay for my place and for school and it feels impossible right now. like there’s no purpose for me besides letting people get pissed at me at work.”

“listen to me, y/n,” bucks gentle voice starts. he picks his hands up and placed them on the sides of her face. “look at me. you’re always enough. those people aren’t worth any of these tears. i know it’s hard, but i’m here with you no matter what. your best right now is enough. those people are so blind that they can’t see that, and they don’t deserve you one bit.”

his words honestly just make her cry more, relieved to hear his sweet voice and loveliness. “no,” he smiles a bit. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to make you cry more.”

“no, no, thank you,” she looks back up at him and his beautiful face, and he looks at hers. even when she cries and looks broken, her beauty isn’t concealed and he’s here to save her. “i really needed you tonight.”

“if you ever, ever need me,” he gets closer to make sure she gets every word. “im here. always.”

“i love you,” she smiles, and he lands his lips on hers. the sweet taste of him on her lips brings her back down, letting herself relax into his hold. she brings down all her senses, allowing it to just be her and buck for now. all of her thoughts from earlier fade away, just knowing that buck thinks she’s enough.

“so fuck whoever made you feel this way,” he jokes, but not really joking. “say it, c’mon!”

“fuck them,” she smiles.

“there’s that smile,” he grins. “you ready? everyone really wanted to see you.”

“just a minute, tell them i’ll be out.” he nods, moving out of the bathroom to let her collect herself.

“she doing ok?” hen asks, curling her lips with a bit of pity.

“she’ll be ok,” he sits. “people just suck.”

“we’re all here for her,” bobby adds. buck nods, seeing her come out of the corner and going behind the counter.

“y/n!” chim excitedly says. buck loves to see the alluring smile on her face as she greets everyone, happy to make her day shine a little more.

[heroloverangel]

Nest

You and Hawks plan for the future.

You knew what you were getting into when you fell for Hawks. With his schedule, it was clear that you’d be spending a lot of time on your own and would rarely get more than a few hours a week together. Still, it was a small price to pay if it meant getting to be with the man you’ve grown to love. Sure, you not exactly thrilled that your honeymoon was a three-day weekend at home when his wings were damaged, but you’re not going to waste what little time you have with him complaining.

“Hey.” His voice is rough from sleep as you hear him shuffle forward to you. You’ve got your back to him as you wash the dishes, and your heart beats a little faster when warm arms wrap around your waist and pull you into his chest. “You busy?”

You shut the water off before leaning more into his embrace, letting him walk you backwards to the couch. “Not at all. You have a nice nap?” He nods and presses his face into your neck, and you run your fingers through his messy hair. He practically coos into your touch and only squeezes you tighter. “Keigo? You okay?”

He nods and meets your eyes with a tired smile. “I’m good, just kinda been thinking about some things.” Your wedding ring catches his attention and he reaches for your hand. “I get that it’s only been a couple weeks, but I’m pretty sure this is the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Your heart melts and you cuddle closer to him on the couch. “Me too. I wish we got more time together, but every minute like this makes it all worth it.” He hums happily, and you wonder if that’s all he wanted to say. It’s no secret that he’s always starved for affection, and you’ve got more than enough to sustain him. His wings fold in around you, wrapping the two of you in a little world of your own. You snuggle on the couch together for a few more minutes before you decide it’s time to finish the dishes and begin to stand.

You’re not expecting his next move as he reaches for you again. “I wanna have a baby,” he blurts out with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer crashing through a wall. 

You’re caught offguard. “You what?”

Keigo grabs for your hand and links his fingers with yours. “Uh…that was kinda sudden,” he laughs awkwardly. “We did talk about having kids someday,” he points out.

“Well, yeah, but when we said someday I didn’t think you meant this month!” 

He winces but tries harder to explain himself. “I really didn’t either, at first. I’ve never really had anyone of my own until you, though, and I love what we have together.” You nod but don’t interrupt him. “And adding a kid to the mix, some little chick that’s the best of you and me combined for us to take care of and love, don’t you think that’d be amazing?”

Now that the initial shock has worn off, you have to admit you’re not entirely opposed to the idea. “It would, I think.” You see the emotion in his eyes and it dawns on you. “You never had that growing up, did you?” Hawks shakes his head, and your chest aches with the thought that anyone could have denied him so much. You squeeze his hand back just as hard. “Oh, babe. You’re gonna be a great dad, but are you sure we’re ready to fill up a nest? You’re already stretching yourself so thin with everything,” you point out.

“I’ll get more time off,” he insists. “The top ten don’t get much in the way of parental leave, but I’ll find a way to swing it. I can trust the sidekicks to take on more of the work, they’ve been complaining about not having enough to do for awhile now. And there are so many other heroes who owe me favors, I bet I can cash some of those in for an extra night off every week. I’ll make it work,” he promises, already pulling out his phone. “If Endeavor could manage to raise four kids while he was in my position, I’ll figure out a way to handle one.”

You sigh and give his hand a reassuring squeeze of your own. “I know you will, and I want that with you. Just give me some time to think about how soon I want it, okay?” He swallows hard and nods, flashing you a smile that always makes you fall in love all over again.

He doesn’t bring it up again, there’s no reason to dwell on it when you both know it’s a conversation you won’t forget. Still, you can’t help noticing his eyes seem to wander towards your middle more than usual and how he’s even more eager to wrap his arms and wings around you every chance he gets. You know how important this is, but you surprise even yourself how quickly you reach a decision.

There’s a ball of nerves in your stomach knowing exactly what you’re agreeing to, but it’s tempered by a swell of excitement you weren’t expecting. Hawks has always been known as a man too fast for his own good, and you shouldn’t have expected anything different once you got married. “Okay, I’ve thought about it enough,” you announce one night while he relaxes after work and he looks back up at you with wide eyes. “Keigo, let’s have a baby.” You both smile at each other while the words sink in, and then he’s leaping off the couch and pulling you into a hug that squashes the air from your lungs.

“You’re sure? We really don’t have to jump into it if you want more time,” he insists, but you’ve already made up your mind. “That’s so great,” he gushes and cups your cheek to pull you in for a long kiss. “Y’know, it’s probably gonna take a couple tries. We better go ahead and get started now, mama bird.”

You cackle with laugher as you’re scooped up in a flurry of feathers without another word. You don’t think the smirk on his face has ever been bigger as he brings you down the hallway, nearly knocking the door off its hinges in his haste to give you a full nest.

[sereisstuff]

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 || two

- Life is no longer the same since the sully family have arrived on the metkayina lands, will this be a new beginning or an ending.

Warnings - slight angst.

Word count - 4.5K

This took me so long to write and it doesn’t even make sense because my brain isn't clicking, it may seem rushed. so I know this is gonna flop hard, it’s triggered my creative juices though so I will be writing more for neteyam and Lo’ak, Ao’nung as well.

There had been many eclipses since the Sully family arrived on the Metkayina lands, many lessons had been taught and friendships were blossoming. Aonung had once promised you he'd have nothing to do with the Sully children after teaching them, yet you saw the façade he carried with those words. Aonung was the most stubborn of you three, but even he caved into building relationships with the Omaticaya children. Slowly but surely, he was adjusting to them.

“Gotcha” you shouted, surprising Tuk. You had spent the day with the youngest of the Sully family, tasked by your father with sharing knowledge about the Ilu to her. You weren’t complaining, preferring her childish behavior over the constant pestering from Aonung about the sully brothers.

“This isn’t fair, you catch me every time” Tuk cried from her spot, her green eyes sparkling with disbelief. She chose to hide behind the saddle stand which didn’t really do well to hide her.

She was energetic as you expected, always bouncing around, always ready for a new adventure. In some way she reminded you of yourself as a child, her bright innocent eyes glistened with wanderlust, something more than what she was permitted to do.

You knew better than to let her roam around alone, so you did your best to keep her safe and entertained.

“Don’t worry little one, I’m sure you’ll grow to be a stealthy warrior one day” You replied, lowering your body to her height.

“You really think so?” Tuk’tirey gleamed with happiness, she’d always watched her mother with adoration, a fierce warrior in the omaticaya clan, and wished she’d grow to be the same.

This was the only reason why she was so persistent in joining her brothers and sister in their own endeavors, even when she wasn’t supposed to. After all, Tuk’tirey was eager for adventure.

You responded with a curt nod, reassuring the young girl, “I do not think, I know you will be” your voice was filled with assurance, engulfing her in a soft hug.

“Now come on, lessons are over now for you and I’m sure your mother would be worried if you do not return home before the eclipse” you let her go from your reassuring embrace, twirling a piece of her braid between your fingers. Tuk complied, surprising you when she reached for your hand, holding it in her own without question. Advancing both of you towards the sully family's marui pod.

“What is it with you and my brother? '' Tuk asked curiously as she continued dragging you.

You frowned upon hearing this, “what is what, tuk?” You responded, eager to hear what she thought.

“You are all he talks about, he used to be with me and the others but he spends his time following you around now” she laughed, her giggles were contagious causing you to sniffle.

“I apologise Tuk, I don’t mean to take your brother away” Tuk shrugged her shoulders, looking up at you with adoration. Her large eyes peered into your own “it isn’t that, we are grateful” she giddily spoke “it would be great to have another sister,”

From afar, the others had just arrived back on their ilu’s, another day of lessons and laughter filled their hearts but Neteyam couldn’t think properly. His own beating chest craving for something, someone, which made it hard for him to focus.

The sole reason why he enjoyed the lessons was because of you, the girl he’d spend time with star gazing into the dead of night, speaking nothing but the truth and concealing each other’s secrets with an oath of protection. It was almost like a devotion to each other and he was wholeheartedly dedicated to preserving it.

The scene before him brought out a smile on his lips, his pearly canines on full display watching Tuk’tirey pull you eagerly towards their marui, as the eldest brother this made his heart soar, doting at the sight.

He steadily jumped off his ilu, ignoring the questions flying from his brother's mouth, Lo’ak had been pushing his limits recently, although Neteyam never held anything against his younger brother, he still used it as an excuse to throw his attention to you.

Jake sully knew there was something brewing in the shadows of feelings between his son and the youngest daughter of the olo’eyktan so he could not blame him for the mistakes that Lo’ak would make.

The connection you both made not once faltered from his mind, he thought about it often and knew you’d do the same.

“You remember how to breathe” you quizzed, voice calm and soft as you guided neteyams hand back to his stomach. The beaming planet of light was close to parading you all underneath another cold night, nearing dusk you and Neteyam floated within the tides. A shell in hand while the other was being held within neteyams grasp, against his torso.

He hummed, nodding his head in focus. “I remember,” came his response. Neteyam held your hand firmly against his abdomen, not once making an attempt to move it from the place he held it.

You were nervous, hiding the scattered shivers of your body in a horrid attempt to appease your dignity “okay, good. You see this shell here?-“ you raised your hand out of the water, showcasing the glimmering shell in between your fingers. You awaited his answer, watching as his doe eyes settled on the shell with a curt nod.

“I’m going to throw it and I want you to retrieve it” you ordered, firm but with a hint of kindness in it. Neteyam was eager to showcase how much he’s learnt.

“that also means you have to let my hand go”

Neteyam was aware of his actions, wanting to hold you for a moment longer. Your presence bought a sense of calm tides to his raging waters, a solemn promise of unspoken words that granted him a sense of freedom. It was both confusing but also as if it was by fate; he felt you were unlike the others, your entirety affecting his own in more ways than one and it was out of his control and in the hands of Eywa.

He said nothing, letting his fingers graze against your skin one last time. So slowly it was agonising, you pulled back the shudder that began to form.

You readied your aim, throwing the shell into the depths of the sea, watching as the tides took hold of their claim, tugging on the object and pulling it below. Neteyam took no time debating his actions, stealing one last breath before pummeling himself beneath the water.

A few minutes passed by and his silhouette had yet to make an appearance, you knew he’d come back up. He wasn’t one to give up so easily.

Neteyam popped back from beneath the sea, hand raised in the air with a beaming smile “found it”

You grabbed his cheeks out of happiness, screeching in delight “you did it, Neteyam. You really did it” you were beyond proud, heart soaring with colourful emotions.

Neteyams cheeks grew at the sight, his chest heaving from the lack of air but he truly felt accomplished seeing your reaction.

“Did I pass your test?” He asked, eyes wide in inquisition. Your head bobbed in response, “you did more than that, I’m so proud of you” you released, without a second thought you pulled his head down between your palms, resting your lips on the bow of his braids in a tender kiss.

Neteyams eyes lowered, shadowed, his hand making its way to curl around your wrist and when you noticed what you had done, you felt your confidence sway. Those same nerve wrecking shivers return, reminding you of what you felt prior to this.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ Neteyam shook his head, “don’t say sorry” he demanded, eyes not once leaving your face as you tried to conceal the contortion of distress plaguing your features.

“Don’t apologise for that,” he retorted, “do I get another if I do it again” he asked, lightening the mood but it only earned him a slap on the side of his head “you are unbelievable”

Neteyam hurled in fits of giggles when you pushed his head under the water, before you could swim away, his hand wrapped around your foot tugging you to his side.

Your head was immersed in the tides, as you looked around clearing your line of sight, beneath the surface neteyam’s skin glowed in dots of bioluminescence making it easier for you to see him. He grabbed you by your waist causing you to shriek under the water, immediately calming down remembering whoms hand engulfed you.

He pulled a piece of your braid, twirling it between his fingers. The moment felt blissful and your heavy surroundings helped cover your nervousness. You couldn’t help but lean into his touch as he dragged a single finger down the side of your face.

“Can I?” He signed, in the heat of the moment. You nodded, granting him consent and with that; neteyam leaned in, lips softly touching your own in a longing embrace. Emerged and one with the sea, with eywa you connected.

Your hands grabbed the back of his neck, until you felt his braids on your own. Holding him as if he was a fickle part of your imagination, delicately nuzzling your fingers in his hair. As you shared breaths beneath the covers of Eywas gifts to the people, you did not want to leave his embrace.

With that night you both left, keeping the words you shared as something unspoken. You couldn’t bring yourself to mention the happenings again, pushing them below an unreachable surface but Neteyam didn’t. His longing stares and attempts to woo you did not go unnoticed. He’d be by your side, sharing his plate during the communal feast, gifting you with new pieces for your braids. Tending to your pain when you had no one to share your feelings with.

As you made your way out of the sully marui pod, Tuks words stuck in your mind, you found your path already filled with another’s presence, judging from the sway of his thin tail and the shade of blue, you knew it was Neteyam. The tall boy peered down at you with a toothy grin, his head adjusting slightly down towards your shorter stature.

You couldn’t help but feel the heat in your cheeks burn against your skin from his strong gaze, you remained ignorant to your feelings, pushing them aside for the greater good of your nature.

“Neteyam” you greeted faintly, standing firm in your place. Over time you grew to enjoy his companionship, yearning for his presence during your solitude, it seems as though for the first time since your heart had been broken, it finally chose someone to piece it back together.

“Eywa’s little helper” he addressed, granting you a subtle bow of his head. You couldn’t help but shift around in your spot.

Avoiding his gaze for a slight while.

“Why so sheepish?” Neteyam sniffled, teasing you to no end. He knew you were a person who valued her connection with eywa over people, when you explained this to him everything clicked in place. Why you were often quiet, saying very few words and placing reason over your inability to converse properly at times. You were shy.

You shoved him playfully “why are you always so questioning?” You asked, your eyebrow bone rose. Neteyam peered back at you.

“I wouldn’t be a mighty warrior if I wasn’t curious” he countered, arms crossed over his puffed chest, full of pride. You knew it was all an act and withdrew from laughing.

“It will be the death of you, a mighty warrior does better knowing rather than wondering” you admitted.

Neteyam could only hope that wasn’t his fate, not before he’d do something that he’d carry with him into the embrace of his ancestors. He grinned, gazing into your cerulean eyes but was once again disappointed when you averted his line of sight. He couldn’t help but feel the happiness drain from him, it truly felt as if fate despised him when it came to you.

You lightly grabbed his shoulder in between your fingers, your soft palm grazing across his skin nearing his neck. Neteyam snapped out of his trance feeling your touch.

“Are you okay? you lost focus a bit there” you asked in concern, from the beginning you’d placed your boundaries with him, shoulders only. His touch stung your palms and palpated the core of your chest, his skin against yours sent the lortsyal inside your stomach into a panicked frenzy. Although you shared a connection in front of Eywa, you could not bring yourself to admit it.

But you were genuinely worried “I’m okay, do not worry yourself,” he expressed, thankful for your caring nature. No matter what you did, every trait you had, neteyam could never find a reason to not further his feelings for you.

“You mustn’t lose focus if you’re to be a mighty warrior Neteyam,” you scolded him, missing the glimmer in his eyes, “Eywa’s little helper always looking out for me,” Neteyam returned with his usual teasing tone, he leaned down. Hands behind his back with a scrutinising look.

“Whatever,” you huffed, the echo of footsteps caused your ears to shift. Distracting you from the close proximity that neteyam induced between you both.

Tuk observed you both, smiling to herself.

“Bro, you totally ignored me back there” Lo’ak confessed with disbelief, Kiri not following to far behind him. she shot you a smile and a frantic wave of her five fingered hand.

“I’d ignore you too” kiris mellow voice acknowledged her eldest brother's choice, appearing by his side. The eldest of the sully family, starred up from beneath his brows, sending daggers to his youngest brother.

Every time he’d get close to you it seemed either Lo’ak or Aonung would ruin his advances toward you, you both had a solid foundation of friendship now. Spending endless nights together and early mornings, yet, it still didn’t seem to satiate his desires. He felt pulled for more, there was something else that he had to uncover about his feelings.

But when he’d finally get you to speak to him, not under the eclipse but instead when the sun shone and the sky was shaded blue, one of the two morons would completely ruin his chances.

While the brothers spoke, you hurried off, Neteyam granted you a knowing look of comfort but you once again ignored it. You could do without a look of pity, you anxiously approached your stoic mother who stood just before the entrance of your own Marui pod. The dissatisfied look on her face spoke before she could utter a word.

“Your father tasked you with teaching the young sully girl about Ilu. Why am I hearing that you were with the eldest boy instead.” She asked, towering over you. Her large orbs didn’t help decrease your fear, your mother was a fierce woman and her eyes played a big part in it.

“I did mother, Tuk’tirey is a quick learner and I had only just spoken to him” straight to the point, your mother would accept nothing less.

She huffed “Tuk’tirey is a child who should not be controlling your decisions nor should the Sullys eldest son for the matter, your path is clear yet you steer off into a different direction as if you cannot see”

You wanted to fight back, stand your ground but what came out of your mouth could only be heard by the insects “I done what was asked”

A sigh escaped her lips, she wasn’t displeased by your presence. She was your mother and she cared deeply for you but you had responsibilities to attend to and she would make sure your focus was on that.

“And you will continue doing what is asked, you have responsibility to this clan that you must carry.” She continued, you could only take her scolding with your head bowed in shame.

“I know you are burdened by this, but you are chosen for a good reason. Eywa would not have honored you if you were not fit for it, now go. Lessons are to be taught and the day is fleeting” she assured with a hint of compassion seeping through her tone.

You bowed your head in shame, nothing brought you more pity than the gaze of disappointment from your own family “yes, mother”

You left the marui pod with a bashful display of emotions coaxing your face. You had let the distractions of the sully family take you away from your teachings, prioritise what was needed over what was wanted.

Yet, you didn’t know what you wanted right now. Your heart beat furiously at the sight of the eldest sully son, your hands grew clammy but your soul felt at peace. It was a feeling you could not unravel but it was causing distractions. You felt torn between two worlds, one where you wanted to be free, to pursue companionship and the other was to your people.

As your pace slowed and your heart settled, you made your way to the reef, sitting on top of the rocks in anguish.

Neteyam approached your dishevelled figure, slowly pacing himself towards you with a fellow feeling, he knew that look all too well and couldn’t help but follow you the moment he saw it. His heart curled at the sight, throat tight to suppress the anger he felt.

“Go away” you strongly spoke aloud, your ears perked up but your body did not. His steps were faint and he could feel a sense of pride swell in his chest at your sense of hearing, a skill.

Neteyam claimed his spot beside you. You could only huff and roll your eyes at the sight, it wasn’t his fault for what you’ve done. It was your own for letting the distractions of a fickle sense of adoration cloud you from your responsibilities.

“What’s wrong?” He quirked,

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Neteyam. It is my own to carry” you paused, slightly agitated from the conversation you just endured. You couldn’t bring yourself to be mad at anyone, not even your own mother. You could only blame yourself for being such a fool.

“You don’t have to carry this alone, I know what it’s like to feel burdened by these roles,” his voice low and accent thick, his eyes darkened at the sight of your dejection.

“But I do, I must carry this alone. It’s not your fault but I cannot be beside you anymore, it was a mistake to think I could carry this responsibility and be happy, if my mother sees you here she will have my throat” you couldn’t look at him, feeling a single snap in the chords of your heart. Your soul was no longer at peace.

“Kehe” Neteyam muttered under his breath, shaking his head in disapproval “if you think saying that will make me leave, you’re wrong. If your mother is to have your throat she can have mine as well, I will not leave you not like this”

You shook off the feeling, wanting to avoid the topic. You did not have time to be fooling around, this you knew. The moments you had with neteyam were dearly held in your heart, he slithered you out of your shell and aided your willingness to be more open.

You were torn, haven’t you given enough already.

Neteyam reached for your hand, Entangling his fingers between your own “I trust you, you can trust me” he spoke ever so softly.

You looked up at him, the sorrow in your eyes broke through the facade you carried. The shield you placed before you cracked and displayed the great hurt you carried.

“I feel like no matter what I do, it’ll never be enough. I do not deserve such an honourable rank. I'm not fit for it, I want to be free. I want to roam the ocean and enjoy the gifts of Eywa but I cannot and I have no choice. It’s almost like I have to reject every ounce of myself in order to fulfil the role I was given. I’ll never be truly seen unless I deny every fibre of my being.” Your cries were silent but the tears that flew down your cheeks, like fine silk spoke otherwise.

Neteyam nodded his head in understanding, surveying your bodily expression, not once inching away from you, he held you with utter care and his sweet adoring smile had yet to make an appearance.

“You have a strong heart,” Neteyam finally spoke, his head tilted back with truth.

“I know it is hard, this responsibility. But you are not unworthy of it. You care so deeply for your surroundings, for the children, for me. You do what is asked even if it’s something you cannot understand, you think being you is different from being a leader but you are wrong. You have everything a leader is and what makes them. Your mother might believe you need to shed yourself to be worthy but I don’t. I believe you’re worthy of it all” he expressed, holding tight on your hand as he placed another on your cheek.

Neteyam found it hard to express and comfort people but he felt no need to restrain himself from comforting you, it came naturally. He couldn’t bear seeing you in such a state that holding himself back from shouting blasphemous words to protect you was lenient. His main focus was you and for once in his life, he finally understood why Eywa brought you two together.

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, only your intertwined hands stole your attention. Neteyam gently caressed beneath your chin, tilting it up to meet his before he searched your orbs once again. The tear-filled ducks were no longer full of your sorrow, you could only pity your state but Neteyam frowned upon the broken walls before him.

“Even if no one sees you, I see you, Renaia.” Neteyam admitted, biting the inside of his cheek, his eyes scrunched painfully but his body reached for yours with longing.

Your tears were no longer evident as you grasped his face in your own palms. Neteyam responded with a sweet bountiful smile, his heart pounding against his chest.

“Neteyam” you utter in hushed breaths, barely crossing the barrier of silence but he heard, his ears peeking up.

“You’re the only one I have eyes on, it’s always been that way the moment we arrived.” His husky voice displayed honesty, Neteyam leaned into you. Forehead to forehead.

You grasped a newfound hope, placing a hand over the skin of his chest in an attempt to mirror his actions “I see you, Neteyam but it would bring me great shame if I was too bring you embarrassment”

He scoffed “shame? You bring me nothing but pride and I’d be honoured to have you as mine for the rest of our lives.”

From the start Eywa has been trying to show you that Neteyam was for you. As you were for him but you were clouded by your gifts, responsibilities and the weight of the village that you did not see the connection.

Neteyam shivered, closing his eyes to truly take in your warmth, your acceptance “You’ve had my heart for a long time Renaia” you couldn't control the sniffles of your cries, molded into happiness. The eldest sully son held you against his chest.

“I will always protect your heart, Yawne.” he promised, bringing you into his hold where he secured you beneath him.

In that moment two become one, the barriers of friendship crumbled and solidified something more than the eyes can see. If your mother was to kill you, so be it, Neteyam would die beside you and this he knew.

…………………

I very much hate this, I’m not even kidding I despise this piece of work and can only hope some form of enjoyment came from it. I will be writing for aonung, Lo’ak and our golden boy neteyam again but I’ve been thinking of other writings that are far different from this, I tend to have knack for writing long stories, making a part two and then the part two being my worst pieces of work.

Tag list:

@gamorxa

@hummusxx

@yihflor

@sakura-onesan

@cafesho

@Buttercake2234

@bangtanxberm

@eldiandiablo

@emasian

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@neteyamsgirl

[streamafterlaughter]

Fundamental Differing

Chapter XXIV: I’m Not Gonna Crack

prev chapter | masterlist | playlist | pinboard

summary: you’re spending your first week in months away from your band, your friends, and eddie.

a/n: wasn’t sure how to end this chapter but i will say i split it into two so maybe the next one will be out sooner than ya think. i can’t promise anything though sorry! thank u beta reader + wife @children-of-the-grave for ideas for this one i love u

Disclaimer: I do not give permission to have my work reposted on other sites. Reblogs are more than welcome, but please inform me if you find my work elsewhere unless otherwise stated. Reblog to support the author!

cw: angst, misunderstandings, silent treatment, i will never let these two catch a break sorry! , descriptions of nightmares

—

October 1986

Your POV

“I don’t get it.” You shake your head, willing yet another image of your boyfriend dying from your brain. “Shouldn’t you be getting these nightmares, too? Don't get me wrong, I’m glad you’re not. They’re fucking awful, but… You were down there, too. You saw it.”

Eddie shrugs. “I do get nightmares. I’ve had plenty of screaming fits that Wayne has had to jostle me from. You probably won’t ever see that, though.”

You wait for him to continue. “I don’t get them when I’m with you. Not that I can remember, anyway. I always wake up well rested. Not to brag, or anything.” He gives you a goofy grin, and you blush at the sight.

“Damn, I must suck, putting you through this. At least you have the decency not to wake me up.” You’re trying to be funny, but Eddie pouts at your words.

“Nah, I’m being selfish, sleeping next to you every night so I don’t wake up screaming. I’d much prefer to wake up to… well, you screaming, I guess. Though, I do wish I could make your nightmares stop.”

Your smile falters at that. “Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry, Eds.”

He shakes his head, tickling your nose with the ends of his hair. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. Just know I’ve got you, I’m gonna be here when you wake up. I promise.”

—

present day

Eddie’s POV

“Call someone when you land?” Steve pats him on the back, letting the hug linger a little longer than Eddie would usually let him. Eddie nods into his shoulder, only keeping his grip on Steve until he’s sure he won’t choke. Goodbyes are being exchanged by those leaving for LA, and those taking their month off elsewhere. Robin lets her grip on you loosen, only for you to pull her back in with a dramatic outcry. She’ll only be a state or two away, but you haven’t spent more than a few hours apart since the beginning of the summer. Eddie supposes it’s sweet, the way you two lean on each other.

“Hey, you ready?” Gareth nudges him back to the present, where his plane is about to fly him twelve hundred miles away from you, mere hours after you’d both stopped avoiding each other. What kind of cosmic bullshit is that?

“Yeah, one sec.” He drops his bag on a free seat before approaching you, a blubbering Robin still in your embrace. “Mind if I cut in?”

Robin sniffles, parting from you to roll her eyes at the pair of you. “Ugh, I guess.” She winks at Eddie, causing a fresh tear to stream down her cheek. If he didn’t understand her pain, he’d have laughed at that.

“So, I guess this is…” He has no idea what this is.

“See you later?” You offer, and he swears he hears the crack in your voice.

It spurs him on, his next words tumbling out of his mouth without a second thought. “Come with me.”

You blink up at him, eyelashes wet. “What?”

“To Hawkins. Wayne’s place is huge, he’d be so happy to have you.”

“Eddie, you know I can’t do that.” He does, of course he knows. It’s not good for you. He wouldn’t be going back if not for Wayne, if not for having nowhere else to go. “I’ll come visit, okay? I just can’t… stay there. You can also come see me. This isn’t goodbye, silly.” You bring yourself up on your toes, leaving a peck on his cheek. “I’ll see you soon, pretty boy. Call me when you get home.” You land back on your feet, but he follows you, leaning over to capture your lips with his, a kiss that feels more like goodbye than see you later.

“I love you.” He says it against your lips, refusing to detach from you just yet.

“I love you, Eddie. We gotta go, though. You’re gonna miss your flight.”

“Don’t care.” He moves from your lips to your jaw, down to your neck, completely oblivious to his surroundings.

“Eddie,” You’re trying to scold him, but you’re weakened by his mouth on your throat. “Gonna have to fly coach at midnight… Think of all the leg room you’ll lose.”

Eddie finally pulls away from you. “Oh, the horror!” He rolls his eyes, and you giggle, beaming at him before throwing your arms around his waist, hugging him close. “I’ll see you soon, Ed.”

“Promise?”

“I do.” You give him one final squeeze before letting go, and he doesn’t try to pull you back in again. You give him a wave and he blows you a kiss. It’s gonna be a long month.

—

Your POV

Boston

Your parents greet you at Logan Airport with open arms. You run to them like a scene out of a cheesy movie, jumping into your father’s arms as your mother surrounds you both in a bear hug.

“Welcome home, baby!” Your mom holds you at arms length to take you in, and you have to wonder what she sees; does she spot the new lines etched into your face; can she see the tired way you hold yourself in her grasp? While she looks at you, your father grabs your bags from the carousel, ushering you both to the exit before you can make too big of a scene. “We missed you so much, kiddo.” Your dad loads your suitcase into the trunk of your family car, the same one you learned to drive in. You’d offered to buy them a new one, but they had insisted there was no need.

“I missed you guys, too. I’m really glad to be home.”

“We have so much to catch up on.” Your mom pats your knee enthusiastically from the front seat. “I have so many questions!” She’s giddy, and you try your best to keep a smile plastered on your face when you know she’s about to drill you on the events of the last month or so. You watch the city pass you by through the window as your dad throws on his turn signal, merging onto the highway, taking you further away from everything you’d called home these past few weeks.

—

Eddie’s POV

Hawkins

The sun is setting by the time the cab pulls up to Wayne’s house. He has no idea Eddie’s home, and Eddie suddenly regrets not telling him. What if Wayne doesn’t want him here? What if he’s interrupting the old man’s routine? What if he’d gotten a girlfriend while Eddie was away?

He grabs his bag from the trunk before paying the driver, adding a hefty tip to thank him for driving so far out of the city, and takes one final deep breath before knocking on the hefty front door. At first there’s no answer, not even the gruff “hang on” that he’s expecting to hear mumbled from his uncle. He’s about to knock again when the door swings open, revealing his disheveled old man, wrapped in a bathrobe, eyes heavy with sleep. Maybe he should have given him a heads up.

“Hey, Wayne.” It comes out as a sigh, exhausted as his uncle looks.

“No shit. ‘M I dreamin’ or something? C’mere, boy!” Wayne yanks his nephew over the threshold, pulling him into an almost suffocating hug. “They finally kick you out of the band?” He jokes, suddenly perky for someone that looks like he’d just woken up.

“Very funny. Nah, I figured I needed to come watch over my old man before he croaks from isolation.” Eddie drops his bag on the kitchen counter as he slides off his shoes, making himself comfortable in the house he still can’t believe exists.

“Good one. But seriously, and don’t take this the wrong way, why are you here?”

“What, can’t a guy spend his month off from tour with the man that raised him?”

Wayne chuckles, pulling out one of the dining room chairs to sit across from Eddie. “‘Course you can. Jus’ curious why you’d do such a thing, and not say a peep about it!”

“Honest, I didn’t even commit to coming until I got on the plane, didn’t wanna make any empty promises. If I’m interrupting something though, I can go—“

“Oh shut up, kid. Of course you’re not interruptin’. How else are you gonna catch me up on all the Hollywood gossip?” The sarcasm is palpable in his uncle's voice, but Eddie indulges anyway. “Ah, right, the Hollywood gossip you care so much about.”

“I care when it’s about my kid and his, whatcha call ‘em, sweetheart?”

Eddie tenses immediately, posture straightening as Wayne doubles over the table with laughter. “Oh relax Ed, I’m only yankin’ your chain!”

“Are you though?”

Wayne purses his lips. “I guess there’s some truth to it. How are you holdin’ up?”

Eddie wants to tell him everything. Wayne’s the only person his whole life he’s never felt the need to lie to, or to even sugarcoat the bad things. Wayne was there when he was framed for murder, he was there when you and Eddie had broken up. The only reason Wayne doesn’t know it all is because of Eddie.

“I’m doin’ alright, pops. Truthfully.”

“Yeah? And how’s…” He trails off, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Y/n is good. We’re good.”

“For Christsake Ed, give me something to work with here.”

“We decided to start again. Strings attached and all that shit.”

Wayne perks slightly at the confession. “No shit. How in the world did you get ‘em to go for that?”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Ye of little faith. Turns out they’ve loved me this whole time. Hard to believe, I know.”

It’s Wayne’s turn to roll his eyes. “Sometimes I wonder how I could’ve raised such an oblivious kid, y’know.”

“How rude!”

He chuckles, standing from his seat at the dining table. “Look, as much as I wanna hear about it, and trust me I do, I gotta get to bed. Your room’s the way you left it, but if you plan on staying I’ll need help with groceries tomorrow.”

“Aye aye, captain.”

“And Ed,” Wayne pauses in the door frame, hand on the light switch. “I’m really happy to hear about you and Y/n. Do what you can not to fuck it up this time.” He switches the light, leaving Eddie in the dim of the dining room.

__

Your POV

“So…” Your dad starts, ending the dreadfully awkward silence over dinner. You twirl spaghetti around your fork sloppily, trying to appear focused on your technique. “How’s Eddie?”

Your mother, sipping her wine, chokes back a laugh, but recovers quickly. You feel eighteen again, shy and anxious about your parents’ curiosity of your love life.

“What about him?” You mumble, not daring to look up from your plate.

“How is he? A-and you? How are you doing, being with him? Wait, not with him—“

“Honey?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Shut up, my love.”

“Yes, dear.”

You blink at your parents, rosy cheeked and gleeful, giddy with each other’s presence. They make it look so easy, and you almost hate them for it. “It’s fine, I guess. Why do you care?”

Your words seem to wipe the smile off your father’s face. “Because you don’t call! All we know about what’s going on, it’s from stupid tabloids and bullshit television. We worry, Y/n.”

“Before you argue, we know you’re an adult, but you’ve gone through so much, so quickly. It would be hard for anyone. We wanted to be there for you, and you iced us out. We still don’t know what happened to you when—“

“Don’t.” You say it through your teeth, willing the tears not to fall. Before either of your parents can say more, you shove yourself from the table, abandoning your now cold pasta and garlic bread. As if you’re still in high school, you stomp up to the guest room, slamming the door behind you.

—

It’s not home. It’s a brownstone on a nice street filled with showroom furniture, smelling of overpriced candles you give your mom for christmas every year. You’d never lived here, and now your idea to come back seems stupid. Your dad’s right, you didn’t even call.

The phone rings then, freeing you from your increasingly frustrating thoughts.

“L/n Residence, Y/n speaking.” You answer, flopping down on the guest bed like it’s yours; like you’d never left, like it’s normal for you to answer the phone here.

“Hey, you.” His voice washes over you, soothing you instantly. You’re eighteen. Nothing bad has happened. It’s the furthest thing from painful.

“Hey, Eds.” You practically sigh, like you’d been holding your breath for days. “How was your flight?”

—

Eddie’s POV

“Eh, nothing special. Neck hurts like a mother.” He rubs the back of his neck as he speaks, attempting to massage out the kinks. What he wouldn’t do to have your hands in place of his right now. “You get home okay?”

“Yeah, guess you could say that.” He notices the hesitant tone, the way it dips when you speak.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Hm.” He barely hears you sigh into the receiver. “Don't wanna be a downer.”

“Nothin’ wrong with being a downer every once in a while. What’s wrong?” Eddie rolls onto his back, spread across his king bed, relishing in all the space, imagining you filling it.

“Just. Doesn’t really feel like home anymore.” He gets it. Hawkins feels less like home now than the tour bus, he has nothing to hold onto. There is nothing here for him he couldn’t find somewhere else. It’s not like you’re still here.

“I guess I know what you mean.”

—

It’s 2am when he hears you snore into the receiver. As much as he’d like to stay on the line to listen to your breathing, he can’t rack up Wayne’s phone bill like that, even if he can afford to pay for it. Eddie drops the phone back into its place, and switches off the bedside lamp.

—

He finds himself in the cafeteria, back at the Hellfire table, but it’s empty. The room around him bustles, voices blending together to create a harsh ringing in his ears. The flourescent lights flicker every few seconds, causing his eye to twitch.

“Eddie…” It’s barely audible, but he can almost feel the breath on the back of his neck. The voice is warm, familiar, sweet as honey. When he whips around, no one’s there, and the cafe goes silent, like a television on mute.

“Eddie…” It’s louder this time, coming from no direction in particular, without background noise to drown it out.

The cafeteria is deserted now, and dark. “Eddie…” Like it’s being spoken over the PA system, summoning him to get chewed out by the principal. Something tells him to find it. He gets up, searching desperately for the source.

“Eddie…” Louder now, he can tell he’s making progress. He can feel it in his gut, he knows where to look. Eddie bursts into what he knows should be Principal Coleman’s office, but instead ends up back in his trailer. Well, not actually his trailer, but the sick imitation of it he’d only seen one other time.

“Eddie…” It’s pitch black, but the voice is right in front of him. “Come here, pretty boy.”

No. He’s frozen, unable to keep moving. It’s not them, he reassures himself. This isn’t real.

“It’s very real, Eddie.” Your voice rings through his thoughts, shattering the barrier he’d begun to build. “It’s me.”

Eddie takes one more step forward, to where a figure sits on the shredded couch, face shrouded in darkness.

“Prove it.” His voice cracks when he speaks, revealing weakness without being pressed.

Instead of responding, the figure claiming your identity stands, revealing its face to him finally. It isn’t you. The furthest thing, really. Where your eyes should sit are black, empty holes. Your skin seems to sag off your skeleton, without muscle or fat to hold it in place. Before Eddie can react, you unhinge your jaw, setting free a swarm of winged creatures that fly right at him, shrieking something awful. He swats at them, thrashing his arms as he tries to run away, willing the image of your decaying, animated corpse from his memory as he screams your name, like you’ll somehow come back to life.

“Eddie? Eddie!”

—

Eddie wakes up screaming, with Wayne’s hands on either one of his shoulders, shaking him back to life. “Eddie?! Wake up, boy, it’s not real!”

“Wayne?”

“Christ, son, what the devil was that?!”

Eddie rubs a hand down his tired face. “Bad dream.”

“Yeah, no shit. But what in the world could’ve happened to warrant that reaction?”

Eddie shakes his head. “I’ll tell you in the morning.”

“It is morning, Ed.”

“What?”

“It’s five am.”

He groans. “You goin’ to work?”

Wayne scoffs. “Can’t get rid of me that easy. Now talk, boy.”

Eddie surrenders, and recites everything he can remember about the terror to his uncle. He wants to throw up at the memory, the way you’d looked, the way you’d spoken to him.

“This a normal thing for you?” Wayne quirks an eyebrow. Eddie shakes his head. He hadn’t had a nightmare that bad since before going on tour.

“So, it’s bein’ home then.” Its not a question, but Eddie shakes his head in disagreement.

“This isn’t home anymore, Wayne. It’s because I’m away from home. From them.”

Wayne screws his face up in thought. “Call ‘em. Wait til the sun’s up. Chances are they feel pretty similar.”

He hates how much he wants his uncle to be right.

—

Your POV

“…and that was Nirvana’s Lithium, thank you for the request Amy, good choice…” The radio wakes you from a dreamless sleep far too early, the sun streaming through the curtain you’d forgotten to close. You groan, throwing the pillow back over your head as the phone rings.

Suddenly, you’re no longer groggy as you pick up the call, cutting the ringing off with a too eager “Hello?!”

“Good morning, sweetheart. How’d you sleep?”

Truth was, you’d slept horribly, tossing and turning without him there to ground you, but you can’t tell him that. You can’t worry him. “Eh, I slept alright, what about you?”

You hear him release a breath into the receiver. “Not great, honestly.” You regret your white lie. “Being here is hard.”

You nod before forgetting he can’t see you. “How’s Wayne?” Maybe you should’ve gone to Hawkins. Boston is starting to feel lonelier by the second.

”He’s good, same old except for the big house.” You can hear Eddie’s smile in his voice, provoking your own to spread across your cheeks. “Hey, so, I was thinking,” Eddie interrupts himself, “I could fly out there soon, maybe next week? You could show me around your old stomping grounds?”

You avoid his question with your own. “You’ve never been to Boston?”

”’Course I’ve been to Boston, but I haven’t seen it with you, y’know? I wanna learn the history from the source.”

”Such a scholar, all of a sudden?” You giggle, twirling the cord of your phone between your fingers. “It’s not much, but I’d be happy to have you.”

“Great! I’ll book the flight tonight. It’ll give me something to look forward to.”

”Can’t wait!” There’s a knock on not-your-bedroom door. “Hey, Ed, I gotta go. Call you tonight?”

“Sounds like a plan, sweetheart. Talk soon.”

There’s a long pause during which you almost say “I love you” three separate times, but you don’t. The line clicks, and he’s gone.

“Y/n, sweetie! Breakfast!”

—

After you’ve stuffed your face full of your father’s chocolate chip pancakes and extra greasy bacon, you take it upon yourself to explore the city. You haven’t been here in awhile, unless you count the few hours before a show at the Paradise or Avalon opening for bands you can’t remember the names of, and you’re morbidly curious about the current state of your hometown.

The T takes you from your suburban neighborhood into the city as you gaze out the window, daydreaming. You get off at Boylston, planning to hit up your old haunts; the record stores, the coffeehouse, maybe Newbury Street now that you can afford it. Before any of that, though, you need a cigarette.

When you find the corner store, sign decayed with age, the front of the National Enquirer catches your attention. Munson’s New Boo! Source close to the rockstar confirms new fling with Bikini Kill’s Kathleen Hanna. Your blood freezes, fingers careful as they pinch the corner of the magazine. It’s not real. Nothing in here is real. You repeat the words to yourself as you peel apart the pages, searching for the story.

When you find it, the pages are overrun with pictures of Eddie. In some of them, you’re with him; before the Metallica show, at the restaurant where that guy almost kidnapped you, even one of you and him in Hawkins the night you played there, but your face is obscured by hats or hoods. In others, though, different girls are draped around him in clubs. He’s leaning into one’s shoulder, one that may or may not actually be Kathleen Hanna. One of your biggest idols. Your face heats with embarrassment as you read the sad excuse for an article.

“They’re always together,” Our anonymous source says, “Either fighting or kissing, but always attached at the hip.” From what photos we’ve seen, we can’t disagree. Munson is obsessed with Hanna, and we’re obsessed with them.

You keep reading, each sentence making you feel dirty, exposed in a way you never knew you could be. Your heart is racing as you slam your ID onto the table, demanding a pack of camels to go with your shitty magazine. The cashier, an older man with charcoal hair and bushy mustache looks from the paper to you, squinting at the small photo in the corner that looks a lot like your own side profile. He doesn’t say anything though, much to your relief. You snatch the plastic bag from him as he bids you goodbye, thick eyebrows scrunched together.

—

Eddie’s POV

“Son, what the hell is this?” Wayne has returned from the grocery store with his hands full of bags, and what looks to be a newspaper in his grip.

“What’s what?” Eddie relieves his uncle of the load, unpacking the bags as the older man slaps the paper onto the kitchen table. Eddie’s eyes slide over the headline, his smile wiped completely from his face.

“Kathleen Hanna? I met her, like, once!” Eddie sputters, ripping open the magazine. “Oh my god, what the fuck?!” He scans the article, glancing at pictures of what he knows are you with him. Except one. One from months ago, before he’d even known he’d be spending his summer with you.

—

February 1992

New York City

Limelight is dark, the dance floor grimy with remnants of beverages long lost to the art of gyrating. He’s in a corner booth, reserved for him and some friends to occupy, a gift from his club promoter friend, Barry. Bernie. Something. Eddie’s too fucked up to remember, but it doesn’t matter. Surrounding him are his band, as well as some he’d only ever heard of before tonight. Across the table is Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, stunning as ever in a sheer black dress, nothing underneath. She made Eddie squirm in his seat as she uncrossed her legs, staring him down. Perched next to her is bandmate Tobi, and one table over sit Courtney and Kurt, talking amongst themselves.

It takes forever, but Eddie finally manages to approach Kathleen, only to trip and spill his beer all over himself. Somehow, though, it charms her, and she requests him to join her and her bandmates for a dance.

—

Present Day

“That must’ve been when they took the picture. I don’t know, it was so goddamn dark in there!” Eddie’s pacing his uncle’s living room while Wayne sips his coffee. “You think they saw this?”

“Who?” Wayne asks cluelessly.

“Y/n, Wayne! The one person I can’t lose the trust of right now!”

“Oh. Yeah, there’s no way they don’t know. That thing is everywhere, boy.”

“Shit. Shit!”

“Hey, calm down! It’s a misunderstanding, just call and explain it to ‘em! I’m sure they’ll understand.”

Eddie huffs. Right. Of course you’ll understand.

He punches each button of your phone number and it rings. And rings. And rings.

“You’ve reached the L/n residence, we’re unable to-“

“FUCK!” He dials again, faster.

And it rings. And rings.

—

taglist: @children-of-the-grave @five-bi-five @wiildflower-xxx @beebeerockknot @champagne-glamour @xxgothwhorexx @therensistance @chonkzombie @brxkenartt @sidthedollface2 @bibieddiesgf @gaysludge @eddiesguitarskills @poisonedluv @kellsck @m-chmcl-rmnc @veemoon | send a message to be added🫶

[chaosqueery]

okay, so I still don’t like the cheating aspect at all. Really wish they would have just had Eddie break up with Marisol when he kicked her out. But how they are going about Eddie processing his stuff with Shannon, well, I’m intrigued. And I didn’t think I would feel that way bringing her up again. And all because Tim’s bringing up Vertigo now.

That movie is straight up bonkers.

The entire plot of Vertigo under the cut so don’t read if you don’t want to be spoiled. Also, content warnings for themes involving suicide and murder.

To those who don’t know about Vertigo: It’s one of Hitchcock’s more famous films about a man, Scottie, a retired detective who is convinced into doing one last job for an old college friend, Gavin. He has to follow Gavin’s wife who claims she’s been possessed (by her great-grandmother who was the mistress of a wealthy man and has his child, only for him to take the child away from her, after which she killed herself) and trying to harm herself. After following her around for a while, Scottie winds up saving the Gavin’s wife, Madeline, from trying to drown herself in San Francisco Bay. She goes to thank him the next day and the more time he winds up spending with her, the more obsessed with her he gets, thinking he’s in love.

After she has nightmares that suggest she might actually be possessed my her great-grandmother, Scottie takes Madeline to Mission San Juan Bautista, the ghosts childhood home. Despite just declaring their love for each other, Madeline runs up to the top of the bell tower and falls to her death. Scottie tried to run up the stairs to stop her but blacked out due to his vertigo and extreme fear of heights (the reason he retired in the first place).

After being ruled a suicide, the coroner lays the guilt on Scottie for not doing more to stop her from jumping. He’s so depressed he’s near catatonic and starts imagining seeing Madeline all the places she typically went when he was originally following her. Until one day he actually does see someone who looks almost exactly like her, just different clothes, hair, and her name was Judy.

it’s then that it’s revealed to the audience that Judy was an actress hired to stage the suicide of Gavin’s wife. Scottie was never following the real Madeline, but Judy making it look like she was “possessed”, and when she ran up the bell tower, Gavin pushed his dead wife out the window instead. Gavin knew that Scottie would black out and not make it to the top of the stairs to see the switch.

Having already been in love with him, Judy doesn’t reveal her involvement with the murder. She keeps seeing him and he just becomes more obsessed with turning her into Madeline. He makes her wear her clothes, get her to dye her hair the same color, and she does it all because she wants him to love her, even if it isn’t really her. The Madeline he knew never even existed, she was just a romantic idealization of what he thought he wanted.

Eventually, Scottie pieces together who Judy was and takes her to the mission to get her to confess and confront his madness. He was trying to recreate the scene to shock himself out of it. He takes her up the stairs, conquering his fear heights, and acting like he’s gonna kill her. Once they make it to the top, she admits to everything and begs for forgiveness. They embrace, but then a nun comes in suddenly and startles Judy, causing her to fall to her death. But hey, Scottie’s cured of his fear of heights.

so yeah, that’s the general plot of Vertigo. Ummmmm…

I know they aren’t bringing some murder plot into this. And I don’t think this Kim lady is an actress made up to look like Shannon. Aside from being drawn to someone he imagines as a lost love, I don’t really expect them to follow much of the plot at all. Mostly it will be a reflection of the themes in the story and the goal of shocking Eddie out of his habit of trying to make every person he dates into Shannon and his need to mentally relive what happened to her.

There is also a part for Buck in all this. In Vertigo, Scottie has a long-time friend and ex-fiancé named, Midge. He spends a lot of time with her and she’s always trying to help him get to the root of his acrophobia and vertigo. It’s comfortable and they act like they’re married. She represents who he should be looking at, a love based in reality rather than a fantasy created for him. Something he is too lost in his obsession to see.

Spark notes did a lot better of discussing the themes than I would have, so I am just copying and pasting some shit, then adding my own notes to how they relate to Eddie’s storyline. This is the page I’m taking these notes from (x)

We all know that Eddie has worn a mask the entire time he’s been on the show, only allowing a few peaks underneath here and there. He tries to act like he has it all together while simultaneously harboring all kinds of inner turmoil. We’ve seen the more he pushes it down, the bigger his explosion winds up being. Despite the emotional work he’s done, he still hasn’t broken the habit of trying to replace Shannon or come close to moving on from her death.

Buck, like Midge is to Scottie, is Eddie’s constant. While Midge is aware that she still has feelings for Scottie, Buck remains oblivious. His mask is that of a platonic friend and companion, much more comfortable being there for his friend than really looking at who they are to each other. Instead he’ll be more intent on getting Eddie to see the truth about the Shannon/Kim fantasy, all the while loving him unconditionally because he’s the only one who can really see under Eddie’s mask.

Shanon had her own mask when she was alive, trying to be the wife and mother everyone wanted her to be. Even her memory was painted over with this idealized version of her, and it put so much pressure on her she lost focus of the person she wanted to be. She eventually realized she had to let go of this “perfect wife” so she could work on what was more important to her. To be a good mom to Chris. But Eddie never got the chance to let go of the “perfect wife” because she died before he could.

Kim’s mask is pretty obvious.

I’ll say it again that I think there is something else going on in Eddie’s head to make him suddenly start seeing Kim as Shannon. In Vertigo, they used the same actress for Judy and “Madeline” because she was the same person. Shannon is dead. I do not believe they are throwing a fake death trope at us. But why didn’t they just cast someone who looked a lot like her? It would have been more believable. But i think he is actually seeing her like that, but she might look totally different. Maybe there is something in his brain making him confused, thinking he’s back to when him and Shannon were last together, but it only happens when he actually sees Kim (like maybe he actually thought he was going out with Marisol too, until Kim showed up). Of course this is probably just me desperately trying to figure out how carelessly Eddie’s cheating on Marisol. Seriously, no guilt? Eddie?

No matter why these visions of Shannon are happening, it’s pretty clear that it’s about shocking Eddie’s system out of this endless cycle he’s found himself in. Reliving her death over and over again, keeping him in the fantasy of who she was instead of confronting what was wrong between them, and not allowing himself to look at what’s actually good for him. Or who.

Buck is the love that’s actually real. When all of this is over and Eddie has gotten the chance to really say goodbye to Shannon, he’ll finally be able to see this relationship he’s been building for years. The person he loves inside and out, to the core, without needing to project any idealistic persona on him.

Marisol’s purpose? To startle Kim out of a bell tower (in the finale “All Fall Down”)? Seriously, though, I think she mainly just there to highlight how lost Eddie is in this. To do something like cheat would take A LOT and it keeps the seriousness of the situation in perspective.

[i-me-mine]

As time goes by | Chapter 17: Gone

Pairing: Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Word Count: 8k

Masterlist | Previous Chapter | AO3

Chapter Summary: Enjoying your last days in Hawkins before leaving for college could have been easier if you hadn’t had to deal with the fact that Eddie ran away and left you alone after you kissed.

Notes: Sorry it took so long for me to update this! Life got in the way, then I got locked out of Tumblr; it took me a while to get back to writing… and then I wrote this super long chapter - I thought about splitting it into 2 chapters, but it’s been so long since I posted that I didn’t want to delay it anymore xD.

People spend their whole lives experiencing moments and sensations that become memories that, over time, will weaken and disappear. But you were sure you’d never felt an emotion like the one that washed over you when Eddie kissed you. The feel of rough guitar-playing fingers on your skin felt etched into you, and his lips’ soft, urgent touch felt like you were meant to merge into one. The wave of feelings invading your being in those moments changed you fundamentally. You didn’t see how you could be the same after that.

And knowing that Eddie was gone and that you probably wouldn’t get the chance to feel that again was unbearable. It was one thing to dream of what it would be like, a wish lost in the realm of imagination… and another to have that vivid memory bubbling up inside you. You already knew you were going to suffer, like a drug addict going through withdrawal.

The sounds seemed far away while you were still deep in thought, but you could hear Steve’s voice, with a falsely excited tone, trying to encourage everyone to return to the backyard, drawing attention away from you. The room grew quieter, and you felt Robin nudging your shoulder.

“You are full of surprises, huh? I was betting on Harrington... But, you like Munson, then?” 

“Yes,” you murmured, admitting it. 

“But you like him, like… for real? How much?” Nancy urged, trying to get more information from you. 

“Obviously more than he likes me, not that I can help that,” you sighed, ashamed, remembering how everyone saw you being rejected. 

“Judging by the intensity of that kiss, I’m sure there is more love than you may imagine. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to keep things PG here.” Robin tried to cheer you up. 

You shook your head in doubt, though your heart throbbed at her words, and you wanted more than anything to be able to believe them. At that moment, when you were his, and he was yours, everything seemed perfect, making it easy to feed your delusions that he could love you back.

Robin and Nancy started commenting on the boy’s dares, making fun of their performances, trying to make you laugh. After a while, you were feeling a little better, and you joined the rest of the gang, and gladly, no one else brought up the subject of Eddie up, so you tried your best to enjoy the rest of the night. As everyone returned home and you and Steve remained, he opened his arms, and you ran to his embrace, allowing yourself to cry. He knew you were hurt, and you knew that you could let your tears run freely around him, that he would offer you comfort, not judgment. 

“It was too good to be real.” you breathed deeply. “How can the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me be at the same moment?” you mourned. “Why doesn’t he love me? Am I such an unlovable person?”

“Please, how could you think he doesn’t love you after that kiss? Seriously, I’ve never seen anything like that… I can’t even imagine what it was like for you guys who felt that. Someone who doesn’t love you wouldn’t kiss you like that; it’s impossible.”

All you could hope was that it had been as special to him as it was to you.

“But still, it wasn’t enough to make him stay. I think I’m just gonna have to leave it at that.”

Steve frowned. “Why are you saying that? Are you going to hide from him?”

“I won’t need to.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you…”

“He will do it for me. That’s what he does, what we do,” you explained. “Except that we used to do it together, hide away from our problems, from the world… But now I’m the reason why he hides away. So I have no other option than letting him go.”

“Don’t bullshit me, little lady... You may get hurt, but that doesn’t mean you stop trying.” 

But you were not sure how many times you still wanted to try. Sometimes you thought that you just don’t know Eddie anymore, that you don’t understand his signs… or that maybe he is not giving any signal at all; it’s just you wishing to have something to hold on to.

“The truth, Steve… the hard truth is that if he wanted something with me, he would have made it clear already, he wouldn’t leave.” you used the back of your hands to wipe your tears, “but he always leaves. And I love him so much, but I’m tired of being on this alone.”

Your suffering hurt Steve deeply. He didn’t understand why things couldn’t be easier for you - if someone with a heart as good as yours was not happy in love, how could anyone else? It wasn’t fair.

“You know, some people live their whole lives and will never get the chance of getting a kiss like that or loving someone as much as you love him. Why don’t you just admit how you really feel? He deserves to know the truth. You deserve to get this out of your chest. I can’t stand you keeping secrets about this.”

“It was just a kiss out of a dare, and look what happened. I can’t say anything; I’m afraid it will only worsen things.”

Steve knew you were confused and hurt, and he didn’t want to push you further, but he also loved you too much, so he couldn’t help but be honest and try to open your eyes.

“Have you noticed that usually bad communication happens out of fear? Fear of conflict, fear of the result, fear of reaction…” he noticed how you looked down, avoiding his gaze. “This fear is a little monster that, if not crushed at the first opportunity of being honest, will grow, and this will become an evergrowing snowball jeopardizing everything.”

“When did you get so wise, big boy?”

“I think you bring the best out of me” he kissed the top of your head.

You were grateful that Steve let you stay there that night. The warm shower, plush sheets, and comfy bed in Steve’s guest room were welcoming, a lull in the middle of the hustle and an escape route from the trailer park, where you’d deep down wanted to be if only things had gone your way, but couldn’t think about going back after all that happened. You were daydreaming in bed when a light tap on the door caught your attention; Steve walked in and sat next to you.

“Are you feeling better?” 

“I am. I’m sorry for my little breakdown earlier… I’ve changed my mind… I’m glad that I’m able to love him so much.” you spoke a little too quickly as if trying to justify something to him. “Could you imagine how hard it would be going through life without ever feeling something so great?” 

“That’s my girl! Things won’t be this bad forever.”

“I know… and I could have avoided all this pain… but it would also mean I would miss all the awesome moments I shared with him. Things are not perfect, but I think I can live with that.” you shrugged.

“Speaking about the pain that could be avoided, but gladly was not… I think I never told you, but thank God I met you when I did… you changed my life.” he held your hand. “I was so heartbroken because of Nancy… I could have easily gone back to being a douchebag that didn’t care about anyone…”

“I doubt that, Steve…”

“I mean it.” he interrupted you. “I was confused back then, but you helped me. And you made me care about you. You showed me that there are still people with good hearts out there.”

“And you are one of them! Come here, big boy” You hugged Steve tightly, and he gently rested his chin on your shoulder.

“You saved me… and I can’t save you… that makes me so sad.”

“I don’t know how I would have survived all of this without your support, Steve. You are the best, and you are very special to me.”

You genuinely enjoyed spending time with him and getting to know him as a person was undoubtedly one of the few good things you got out of the whole nightmarish period when Eddie was with Samantha. You appreciated Steve’s kindness, loyalty, and sense of humor. He deserved so much more credit than he got. 

“Same here, little lady. I just wish you didn’t have to go so far away… but I’m sure you’ll do great things..”

“Just wait and see what I’m about to do with my life.” you laughed. “But don’t worry, a part of me will always be with you.” 

“I’ll miss you so much! Who is going to hang out with me now? No one understands me as you do. How am I going to keep myself busy without you here?”

“You won’t be alone. The kids love you, especially Dustin. Robin is great too.”

“Yeah, but she hates me.”

“She’ll learn to love you, just like I did.” 

“I’m not so sure of it! I’ll miss having someone to take care… and be taken care of.”

“Take care of our kids for me, will ya? I’m sure they’ll need you. And don’t stop looking, you’ll find someone.”

“I’ll try my best! I’ll let you rest now. Everything will be better tomorrow; you’ll see.” 

He kissed your forehead softly and stroked your hair like a loving father saying goodbye to a child at bedtime. All you could hope was that his words were true, that things would improve. But in the meantime, you could still find refuge in the memory of the kiss that changed everything.

It’s strange to see how a whole life fits into just a few cardboard boxes. Memories of years, happy and sad moments, little pieces of you separated into piles, cataloged as things to take to college, leave at home, and donate. Packing up your things was a long process over days, but it helped you physically stay away from Eddie, even though your thoughts were always on him. Until one day, as you were putting out the garbage, he approached slowly as if afraid you would run away from him.

Eddie, the vivid chaotic boy, who just couldn’t shut up about things, who always narrated so many campaigns, who had a quick mind ready to counter any smart player in D&D, was now tongue-tied, unable to find the right words to say, with a heart full of emotions and words stuck in the throat, repressed. He tentatively raised one hand as a ‘hello’ and just got a slight nod of your head as a response, which made his stomach ache. 

“I’m sorry for fucking this up. I hate the silence between us. Shit, I miss you.” he bursted.

“A little late for that, don’t you think?” 

You shouldn’t sound so wounded, damn it; you also missed him, you shouldn’t be pushing him, but your instinct gave out that reactive response before you could control yourself. You could see Eddie closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before speaking again. 

“Look, I don’t want us to go on like this, ignoring each other in life, knowing that soon you are going away.” the dark circles under his eyes indicated that he hadn’t slept well in days. “So I thought if I stopped being so, you know, stupid, and if you were merciful, we could take a shot at just pretending nothing changed and being friends again.”

The sad look in his eyes reminded you of the face he used to have sometimes as a kid. You hadn’t had an easy childhood, but you also knew that you’d somehow muddled your way through it because you had each other to hold on to. Time has passed, but somehow you were still those two kids, not knowing what you were doing but always there for each other. And you had to believe that it wouldn’t change. 

“Ok, I can do that.” you would rather have small pieces of him than nothing. “I miss you, Eds.” you gave him a small, shy smile, thinking how it was so good to tell him that, knowing all the feelings behind that.

Seeing your shimmering eyes and smile made his heart beat quickly. He wanted to take you in his arms and kiss you, but he wanted to take things slow, not wanting to risk losing you again.

“So, you should come to see us at The Hideout tonight… that could be your last chance to see us making a fool of ourselves on the stage before leaving us here.”

“I’ll be there; Gareth invited me… I’ll always be Corroded Coffin’s number 1 fan, no matter what happens or where I am.”

“Then let me show you firsthand the new song I’ll be playing today!” His eyes were now glimmering with barely contained excitement, holding your hand and guiding you to his trailer. 

He showed you the setlist, played some songs, and told you how they almost secured a fixed weekly day to play at the hideout. He was so happy - It was so good to have that soft, funny Eddie back - that boy willing to make a fool of himself just to make you laugh and feel comfortable and happy. It was easy to forget all the worries while standing with him in his bedroom. 

“We should stop running away from each other; things are always better when we are together,” he said, out of breath, after playing a few songs. 

“Hey, don’t look at me; maybe the problem is you.”

“Oh, the problem is definitely me, I’m sure.” 

“You have been nothing but trouble since our younger years,” you said, throwing a pillow at him. 

“But it was fun,” he threw it back. “I didn’t know how much I liked you until I realized every time I saw you, I just smiled…. even you being an annoying little girl, I couldn’t stay away.” 

And you smiled hearing his words, without even meaning to, like some infectious effect that Eddie had on you.

“The idea of having an older boy to protect me was too good to let it pass. I’m glad I found you.”

“I’m glad you never gave up on me.” As much as it was true, those tiny confessions were still hard to come out of Eddie’s mouth, so how the hell was he supposed to say anything else? He was trying to take small steps, but it was not getting any easier. 

He laid down next to you without a word. It could have been an awkward silence, but staying next to him was too good of a sensation for you to complain about.  

“Do you think I’ll adapt to college life? Sometimes it does not feel like something for me,” you said in a shy voice, as that was a genuine concern in your heart. 

“I’m sure you’ll do great! You were made for this! I was not made for college, and unfortunately, I was also not made for anything else” Eddie hugged you and started to brush his fingers through your hair.

“You were made for being with me,” you thought but did not dare to say. As much as you wanted to kiss him and tell him how much you wanted him, you were also happy to be able to be there, hugging him again. 

When you embraced Eddie, you felt like it was a kind of energy transmission, and it made you feel at peace, even if for a few seconds. Staying there with him like this was like the world stopped so you could be truly happy for a while. Even if just for a bit.

And in times like these, feeling his arms around you, you thought that there was nothing greater in life than your love for him… and that it should count for something… but you also knew that it was nonsense, that you were just living the last few breaths of something that had already ended. 

“That was amazing, guys!!” you exclaimed as you entered the backstage. 

“Things will be way quieter now that we won’t have you single-clapping for us after the show anymore.” Jeff laughed.

Acid remarks were being thrown on each side - you would surely miss spending time just hanging out with the boys at the hideout. Eddie, however, was grumpy in the corner of the room, clearly not sharing the fun vibe that was going on. When he noticed you taking gifts from your backpack to give to the boys, the farewell gifts you were distributing to everyone, he couldn’t handle that anymore and stormed out of the room.

“Don’t worry about him; he is just having a hard time dealing with… you know… the fact you are leaving soon” Gareth face transformed with a huge smile when he saw the red flannel shirt you gave him. “I love it, by the way.”

“Yeah, you rock!” Jeff added, proudly looking at the Black Sabbath shirt you gave him. 

“Would you mind if…” you started saying

“Go, he needs you.” Gareth encouraged you with a smile. 

You found him smoking a cigarette, looking to the stars, and he let out a startled gasp when he noticed you approaching. 

“Would you mind sharing?” you said tentatively, getting a small smile from him, and he handed you the cigarette. 

You stayed there for a moment when you finally broke the silence. “What’s wrong, Eds?”

He ran his hands on his face before looking at you. 

“I just can’t understand how everyone could be so okay with you going away.” 

“And I can’t understand why you are acting like this and wasting our time before I’m gone. It’s not easy for me, you know.” you countered. 

Your sudden sincerity took Eddie aback. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. His facial expression seemed confused for a moment, and suddenly he wrapped his arms around you, and you rested your head against his chest. His hands slid up your back, and his cheek leaned against your hair.  

“I’m sorry if I’m making things worse… I’m just feeling lost,” He admitted.

“So am I,” you whispered.

The scariest thing about distance is that he didn’t know what to expect. Maybe you would miss him or completely forget about him. He never planned to fall in love with you, and things could be much easier if he didn’t. But at the same time, thanks to you, he knew that his life was way better.

“Let’s go home, shall we?” he offered.

The ride home was quiet, both of you with a million thoughts running in your heads but not verbalizing a single one. There were so many things you wanted to ask him… but you knew that Eddie would lose it if he knew what you were thinking and feeling. As you got to the trailer park and climbed out of the van, you asked the question that was burning in the back of your mind. 

“So… what should we do with our last days here?” 

“I just want to spend every possible minute of them with you,” he admitted.

How could someone give you so much strength yet still be your only weakness?

“Come on, then,” you said, pulling him into this trailer, feeling his warm and sweaty hand in yours. It was insane to think how you were both afraid of speaking about your feelings but were also unable to deal with how starved for each other closeness you were. 

Laying on the bed beside him felt like a luxury you couldn’t afford. You wished that you hadn’t wasted so much time shutting him out, maybe it was already too late to live what you would really want to, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t enjoy what you have now. 

“I know you are giving gifts to everyone, but would you accept one from me?” he whispered and smiled when you nodded, agreeing. 

He then turned to hit play on his stereo, and you waited silently. Then the music began. And his voice, sweet, deep, passionate, started singing, and the lyrics described the travels of an adventurer in a distant land with his companion. Under that disguise, you recognized some of your own adventures and moments you both shared, and you knew it was a song about you. You listened, speechless and wide-eyed. You knew he was waiting for your reaction, but you couldn’t find the words to speak. Tears welled in your eyes, and you reached up to wipe them away before they streamed down your face. 

“I thought that maybe you could take the tape to listen whenever you miss us.” his voice was low, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at you.

“Oh, Eds…” you started, but he interrupted you, putting a small package in your hand.

You opened it and couldn’t help but smile. It was a guitar pick necklace, but that wasn’t a typical guitar pick. When you were younger, you started doing small jobs here and there to get some coins, and the first thing you bought wasn’t something for you. You went to the music store and chose that pick for him. He used to tell you it was his lucky pick and used it in important concerts or whenever he was too anxious. 

“Take it with you… maybe it would make you remember me once in a while. You know how it is, out of sight, out of mind.”

You took it in your hand and felt it for a moment. Its energy was warm and comforting, like a warm hug. You placed its chain over your neck and held it close to your heart. 

“You’ll wear it?” he asked.

“Of course, I will.” 

He grinned at you with that wide happy smile that melted your heart. 

“You may not be able to be around me, sweetheart, but you can carry a piece of me with you,” he added shyly. 

You reached out to touch his cheek, and he caught your hand, pressing it against his lips. He stroked your cheek With his other hand, and you could feel the blood rushing beneath your face. You stayed there, pressing your foreheads together, inhaling simultaneously. You wished you weren’t able to be so comfortable in silence because there were moments when things had to be said, but you both were, again and again, choosing to avoid speaking about what really mattered. Once again, you decided to delay a hard conversation and sank into sleep, enveloped in his warmth. 

Eddie, however, was having a hard time falling asleep, afraid that if he closed his eyes, you would disappear. He slowly realized how much he would miss that intimacy - holding the other in the middle of the night, cuddling, holding hands, laughing about something dumb the boys did or said, listening to music, reading to each other. All the lingering stares. All those conversations without speaking. He knew he would not find that with anyone else, and knowing that he was about to lose made him want to cry, and it took a long time until he finally gave up and slept.

Despite the gray day, the sun escaped and entered through the window. When Eddie woke the next morning, he gazed at your back as you slept and felt something that he couldn’t name in the pit of his stomach. It could have been desire or affection, but he knew it was more. 

Your bat tattoo on display seemed to tease him. You made it as a promise that you would fly away together, but now you were leaving, and he would stay behind, left, forgotten. He wanted to hold you close and not let you go away, but he knew it was selfish. 

“I’ll make you proud someday. I promise,” he murmured, knowing you could not hear him. 

He lightly touched each of the bats in your tattoo, trying not to wake you, thinking if they would somehow help you fly back to him one day. A gasp left his lips as he noticed you turning to face him. But you were not awake, not yet. He noticed how your eyes started to blink and knew you were close to waking up, so close… he ran his hand over your face gently and wished he could keep you there. He wished he had the power to know what’s on your mind and wished you couldn’t know what’s on his as he was ashamed of all the messy thoughts clouding his mind.

“Are you awake already, sweetheart? Let me get you breakfast then” he kissed your forehead, getting up and leaving the room. 

An idea has been forming in your mind the whole night, and you looked around, finding Eddie’s notebook and his pen. You hurried and wrote what you wanted desperately to tell him on a piece of paper, folding it and writing “For Eddie” on top of it, leaving it on his bedside table before leaving his bedroom. 

You had existed in a blissful bubble for the past few weeks, living in the moment, savoring every second of the time you spent together. You watched movies, read to each other, went on hikes, laid on the top of his trailer, and gazed at the stars. You took advantage of any opportunity to find comfort in each other’s arms without crossing the line of a kiss again, but you were happy anyway. It had been easy during this time to put off any serious discussion, any talk of the future. But as your last day in Hawkins approached, Eddie started to get sad, and in his heart, he began to believe he wasn’t good enough for you and that soon you would realize it, so it would be better if you were not there by his side when it happened. 

On the morning before your last day, you got up and left the trailer while Eddie slept on unawares, snoring softly. You promised Will that you would play one of his campaigns before leaving, and the boys would meet very early in Mike’s basement. You knew the campaign would likely go through the whole day, so you had already planned a sleepover with Nancy, and Max would join you. Joyce was kind enough to convince Hopper to let El join the boys during the day, so you had the chance to also say goodbye to her, but unfortunately, he didn’t allow her to stay the night. 

It was fun playing D&D with the boys. You couldn’t wait until they got to high school; you were sure that Eddie would love to welcome them to Hellfire. They were excited when you gave them your old miniatures and D&D guides. You knew you wouldn’t have time for it in college, and D&D stuff is usually something that you pass from one player to the other - you hoped that maybe you could pass your guides to Max, but she wasn’t interested in it - hopefully, your old things were safe with the kids until they could find a new player who would benefit from them. 

You had a great time during the night with the girls. You knew that Nancy cared about the kids a lot, and you wanted Max to know that while you would be away, Nancy would still be someone she could count on - that’s why all the moments you three shared mattered a lot to you. And you knew you were going to miss them.

The morning of your last day finally arrived. Steve planned a farewell party for you, which was good, as everyone was busy with their summer jobs and you didn’t see them as much as you wanted to. But that was the last time you would see Max before leaving. When the time for the goodbye came, you gave her your gift: a Walkman. 

“Music always helps, no matter what you’re going through. I’ll be listening to mine, so whenever you listen to yours, we’ll be connected,” you explained when you gave it to her. 

Unexpectedly, Max threw her arms around you. “You be careful,” 

You hesitated just a moment before you hugged her back. “You, too,”

She still kept her arms around your neck, head on your shoulder. “I’ll be all right,” she said, clasping your face. “But I’ll miss you, for sure.”. 

“I’ll miss you too, Max. You have Nancy… and you have El too. She needs her time, but I’m sure you two will be great friends, be patient; it will happen, I know it! And I love you, don’t forget that!”.

“I love you too,” said Max, not wanting to let go of you.

When you got back to the trailer park, Marc was already waiting for you. He was there to get your things to put in the car, so you could go right after the party, not needing to come back to the trailer park later. You were glad he was there to help you - your boxes were heavier than you thought. 

“Need a ride for the party?” he offered after loading the car with the last box.

“I’ll go with Eddie… but I’ll see you there, right?”

“Of course.” his smile diminished a bit. “see you later, princess,” he said before driving away. 

Your house suddenly felt so empty. Your father was drunk already, snoring on the couch, and didn’t pay attention when you tried to say your goodbyes. You left your house and met Eddie in your usual spot in the woods near the trailer park. Without a word, he understood how you were feeling and held your hand, guiding you to the old tire swing where you used to play when you were kids. 

“I think you need a little bit of fun, m’lady,” he said while helping you get into it. 

He pushed you, and you started singing silly songs as you did as a child. He laughed and started to sing along, and at that moment, the sound of your voices made you forget all the things that were worrying you. It was like being back in those simpler times.

“You know I’ll stand by you, support and love you, no matter the distance between us, right? Nothing will ever change.” He said in a choked voice. The fact that he wasn’t looking into your eyes made it a bit easier for him to speak. 

“Things change, Eds… in a moment we were kids playing here.. And in a blink of an eye, a decade goes by, and here we are… with me getting ready to move to another city, having to deal with living by myself, going to college, finding a job, adapting to a whole new life…”

“All of this seems too much for only one girl.”

“Well, don’t blame me for trying. I’ll try to have courage.”

And Eddie thought it was beautiful becausem deep down,  he was a man afraid of many things - and he got distracted for a moment and didn’t notice you tried to jump off the tire swing and fell to the ground.

He hurried to check if you were hurt, and the sound of your laughter echoed while he helped you get back up. The rest of the world dropped away when you took each other’s hand and looked into each other’s eyes. You felt as if you could hear the flickering of birds, water lapping, and the wind blowing, and then all at once, you couldn’t. Everything around you fell silent. It was just the two of you.

It could have been minutes or just a second; you couldn’t measure how long you stared at each other, unable to break eye contact. Eddie looked like he was about to slam you against a tree and make out to you, or maybe it was just the burning desire playing tricks with your mind. Being so close to him was torture. You were tired of pretending.  

“Eddie, I have to admit… I’m scared.” you were on the verge of tears

“Just saying that makes you more brave than you imagine… but you don’t have to be scared, sweetheart.”

But you were scared about the new life ahead of you and the things you were leaving behind. 

“What if I’m making the wrong decisions, Eds? What if…”

He interrupted you: “I’ll be damned if I let your insecurities win. I have never met anyone like you; if there is anyone that can conquer the world, that one is you.”

“The rest of the world may not agree with you, Eds.”

“Sweetheart, other people’s judgments are meaningless… unless you allow them to mean something. Don’t do this”.

And as soon as the words came out of his mouth, Eddie realized something - He was always fearless, not worrying about the bullies in the school, always doing as he pleased… but it was different with you. He usually got speechless and was always worried about messing up and afraid of what you could think… and that was the reason. He didn’t care about what others were thinking except for you. What you could think about him meant the world to him, the opinion that mattered.

There was a lot he wished to confess, but he struggled to let the next phrase come out of his mouth: 

“You know… I’m scared too. Things are easy when you are here… but life will be hard again once you leave.”

“And what does that mean, Eds?” you paused. “Is there anything you wanna tell me?”

His heart was hitting his chest, and he hoped you couldn’t feel its ragged rhythm. He, a man who could talk to anyone, was now tongue-tied in your presence. He just couldn’t seem to control his words or his emotions, though he tried his best. Every time you were together, he held back. He wanted to be all over you but was cautious, not wanting you to see how he was burning for you. 

But time passed, and he kept quiet. You felt your chest getting heavier and bit your lip to avoid the tears pooling in your eyes. You took his silence as a sign of indifference.

“We should get back,” you murmured, defeated, walking back without waiting for him.

The sadness of the cold goodbye you got from your father and the silence from Eddie faded away when you got back to the trailer park, as Wayne was waiting for you with warm eyes and a smile. Saying goodbye to him was more challenging than you thought, and you could already feel the tears pooling in your eyes, and you looked down, not knowing how to say goodbye to him. 

“You should get Hopper to arrest me - leaving you and Eddie alone is practically criminal negligence; who will take care of you now?”

“Our lives won’t be the same without you here… but I think it’s important to get away from where you’ve grown up for some of your life… Go see the world, kiddo! But don’t forget you’ll always have us here whenever you want to come back.”

“What if I don’t want to go?” you mumbled, pouting like a small kid.

“Keep your head up, my sweet, beautiful girl. This is just the beginning. Don’t forget this old man will always wish you all the best.”

You were never good with words, and this time you wished you were because there were so many things you wanted to tell him. 

“I love you, Uncle Wayne!” You hugged him around the waist, tears streaming down your face. 

“There, now. You don’t want to miss your party. Go have fun, kiddo. I love you.”. He patted your back and tried to hide that he was almost crying.

Eddie was also trying to keep his emotions under control and tried his best to distract himself by singing in the car while going to Steve’s house, knowing that was probably the last car ride you would share. He didn’t want to think of all the preparations you did - how you left him a copy of the keys to your trailer, how you let him store some of his belongings in your old room, to declutter a bit his bedroom in his trailer, how you were wearing his favorite shirt, and wearing the guitar pick necklace you gave him. He just couldn’t believe this was the day he would lose you. 

When you got to Steve’s house, everyone was already there - Eddie let you go and join the others, he knew that everyone wanted to spend time with you, and he wanted to let you enjoy it. He was happy to see you all playing and having fun together. 

And during all that, he gazed at you, trying to memorize everything about you. Your hair, your eyes, the clothes you were wearing, your lips, your cheeks, the color of your skin when the sun hit it, your voice, so beautiful while singing along with the boys, that smile that he loved so much. 

He looked at you and wished he would never stop looking at you, but he knew it was the end. He could already imagine that the weeks would pass, maybe you would stop to write back his letters, to answer his calls, there would be that unspoken thing, the heavy silence, and you would then forget about him. So he knew he had to remember every little detail now because those were the last moments he would have the chance to see and witness them.

And you were smiling so beautifully, playing catch with the girls when you stopped and looked at him. And then you started to run to him, and without thinking, he also ran to meet you. He picked you up and spun you around, inhaling the sweet scent of your hair. Being around you made him feel giddy and excited. It made his heart race, and he could not string a coherent sentence, but he was glad it didn’t bother you. 

“You know that not a single day will go by that I won’t think of you, right?”

“Good!” you replied, smiling.

He could picture the whole life ahead you would have, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was holding you back. He had no idea what would happen in the future, which scared him. 

“You and I are going to be okay; you know that, right?” he didn’t know if he was telling that to reassure you or to convince himself about it. 

You nodded, and when your lips opened to say something, Robin grabbed your arms, making you stand in a chair to make a speech to everyone before you left. Shyness washed over you, but you did your best to mumble a few words to everyone.

“And we may have had some ups and downs,” you concluded, looking fondly at the group, “but I love every one of you. I know that I’m moving on to the next chapter of my life, but please know that I sincerely hope we can hold each other close in our hearts. I know I’m taking all this love with me wherever I go.”

“She is smart. Too smart to stay stuck here,” Steve murmured. He could feel the tears falling, and Robin, standing by his side, was surprised to see that he wasn’t trying to stop the tears.

You raised your cup, your eyes shining with tears. “Cheers, everyone. I’m so glad I met you!”

“Cheers!” They all responded in unison, tapping their cups together and wiping their eyes with broad smiles. No one was smiling brighter and crying harder than the curly hair boy in the corner.

“That’s my girl!” you heard Steve call out from the sidelines - you were thankful he was there trying to cheer you, although it made you feel the blood hot under your cheeks.

He held out his arms for you and brought you in a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, little lady,” he murmured into your hair as you leaned your head against his chest. 

“I know you are, big boy!”

“I’m gonna miss you so much” Nancy stole you from Steve’s arms to hug you. 

“Don’t. Be. A. Stranger.” Jonathan wagged his finger in your face. 

You pretended to think about it for a second. “Sorry, Jonathan. Can’t make any promises.” You patted his face giving him a confident smile.

Eddie stepped into the space Jonathan had once stood in, finding himself beside you. The indescribable urge to touch and kiss you welled in his entire being, but he attempted to keep it at bay.

“Are you gonna say goodbye? I don’t wanna hear it.” Eddie said quickly. 

You shared one last hug, hiding your face in his neck. You mumbled what you knew could be your last words to him.

“I’m afraid we will forget this. I don’t wanna forget how this feels.” 

He stepped back and gently cupped your face, staring into your eyes. “I won’t forget. I could never forget you… it’s hard to forget someone who gave me so much to remember.” 

You were unable to speak another word, lost in those chocolate-brown eyes. You hoped that your eyes would say enough. 

“shh,” he whispered, brushing his thumb across your bottom lip. “it’s okay, sweetheart.”

Your eyes locked, and your breathing quickened. A tiny spark of hope that you would kiss crossed your mind, but the sound of a door slamming snapped you out of the moment. You turned to find Marc ready and waiting for you by his car. 

“Up you go,” Eddie said, in a voice he was fighting to keep steady. He leaned in close, gently, and whispered, “I’ll miss you.” 

He stepped back again, you both just staring at each other awestruck. Dazzled. In his mind, he kept repeating, “I’m never gonna be okay with being apart. I’m gonna keep missing the hell out of you,“ but he couldn’t find the strength to tell you that.  

One side of his mouth pulled up into your favorite uneven smile. You couldn’t catch your breath soon enough to reply and just tried to smile back. The words stuck in your throat as you saw the lost light in his eyes just before he turned and walked away. 

You waved your goodbyes to the others and joined Marc, ready to start the ride. Through it all, you sat numbly in the car, tears leaking steadily from your eyes, while you left your heart, your whole life behind, heading into the unknown. 

Several beer cans were spread out in the trailer’ living room, and Wayne’s heart ached when he noticed a wasted Eddie with his head on the table. 

“Boy, are you ok?” he asked, knowing already the answer.

“She left. Why leave me? Why no one stays? What am I going to do now she is gone?” the intrusive thoughts were fighting their way into Eddie’s mind and were winning. 

“C’mon, boy, as much as heartbroken you must be now… she must have felt the same pain when leaving; she is crazy about you.”

“All I ever wanted was to be enough for her. But I’m not. Do we get what we deserve? Because it seems that I surely don’t deserve her. Why would I? She is now going to college while I’m here, stuck repeating the senior year. I wanted to be a perfect guy and be important, but why would she want someone like me? She would never want…” 

Eddie was speaking so fast, his breathing increasing as he was getting increasingly anxious, until Wayne put a hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. 

“You need to stop being so hard on yourself, Eddie. You need to see yourself as worthy of love, son, because you are.”

“I’m not; I’m just a fucked up mess.” he tried to push Wayne away, but Wayne decided not to leave Eddie’s side. “I always thought that loving someone, giving that much authority to one person was scary, but you see… that’s the easiest part. I would give my whole life to her without thinking twice - but the problem is that my life is not valuable, not enough for her, and that’s scary.”

“Being receptive to affection is one of the things that trauma steals from us, boy, and it hurts me to see this happening to you.” Wayne caressed Eddie’s hair. “I’ve already been in that moment of not accepting, or rather forgetting how to accept good things… and I can tell you that pain can put us in places that are complicated and far away from the ones we care about, and we can get lost… you don’t have to go through that.

“It’s not that easy! When I saw all those romantic movies with her, I understood why she loved them, but I never wanted to live them... I mean, can you imagine loving someone so deeply that when they leave, you crumble into pieces?” he sighed. “And here I am, feeling just like them. And I know what comes next, a pain that will engulf me so much that I won’t be able to eat, sleep or drink properly… I felt it before when we were apart, and now it will be even worse.”

“So you would rather not love her, then…”

“Loving her is the best thing that could have happened to me! But it’s the worst for her! I only mean trouble for her.”

“Life is trouble, son. You’ve got to fight for what you want.”

Eddie spent so long trying to convince himself he did the right thing but wasn’t so sure anymore. He didn’t know what to think. 

“I don’t have the right to hold her life up. I can’t fight for her if that’s not what she wants. I need to respect her decisions, and she decided to go away. There’s nothing I could do.”

Eddie got up and left, not wanting to argue anymore. Wayne sighed - He knew how good for each other you were, how you always encouraged and supported each other, how you saved each other. And he could only hope that this would not be lost forever because he didn’t want to see Eddie suffering. 

Eddie’s eyes drifted across his bedroom as he slowly entered. Every corner had something that reminded him of you, of the connection you two had, a sense of bittersweet nostalgia. What once was his happy place now felt empty and hollow. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw your trembling lips trying to form a smile in that farewell moment. The weight of unspoken words pressed heavily upon his heart.

He sank onto the edge of the bed, letting out a sigh, replaying the moment of your parting in his mind - you have left for college, to your new beginning, while his feelings remained locked away, unvoiced - as these emotions surged, a whirlwind of frustration and regret filled his chest - he wanted to believe it was the right thing to do, he didn’t want to hold you back from pursuing your dreams, but with every minute away from you, his doubts gnawed at his resolve.

Amid his thoughts, a sudden flicker of color caught his eye. The folded piece of paper was on the nightstand amidst the chaos of scattered textbooks and old photographs. Seeing your handwriting in “For Eddie” made him smile. 

He hadn’t dared to read it when you left it for him, but he hoped that your letter would have words of comfort and would help him cope with your absence. His trembling hands reached out to retrieve it, and his heart skipped a beat as he unfolded the note.

“FUCK! SHIT, SHIT, NO!” Eddie yelled, his frustration growing into a potent mix of anger and regret, settling like a heavy fog, enveloping his senses, making him throw things around - while broken fragments stayed scattered on the floor, his tears burning their way down his cheeks. 

He sank to his knees, clutching the note tightly in his hands. It was a poignant reminder of the depths of feelings and the missed opportunity to express them. With every fiber of his being, Eddie wished he could turn back time and rewrite the script of your farewell.

Instead of the heartful, lengthy letter that Eddie expected, you wrote only 4 simple words to him:

“Ask me to stay.”

💜 For all of you that are still reading this, thank you, thank you! This story is my little baby, a coping mechanism for me and writing it helps me feel better, and I can't believe that there are people that actually read it! 🥰 Your feedback, likes, reblogs, and comments make my day!

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