#and i know about rebound anxiety from coming off a high

[crvwly]

hm. recommended guided meditation more than once and suggested my me/cfs was actually PTSD. had to educate her on PEM to explain my lack of exercise and she told me about soldiers getting painkillers after the war when they needed therapy. not sure about this one lads

first appointment with a psych to hopefully address the adhd !

[when-gravity-has-fallen]

Background details/me blabbing about my askblog yaaay!! Mostly because it's difficult for me to get motivated as it is! Plus maybe after being inactive for 2 years (rip 💀) this will help pique interest? Idk I just wanna talk about my sillies tbh. And the Axolotl needs a break you know? My guy's watching over an entire multiverse.

First off. The post about my LGBTQIA+ headcanons here: https://www.tumblr.com/craycray-wolf/737090570384703488/while-in-wait-for-the-book-of-bill-already-hard?source=share

It's still accurate to how I feel about the characters...mostly. In the time since I made this post, I have since been converted to "Grunkle Stan is bi" and I'm now preaching the Good Word 🤟

Anyway with that now amended, here's some stuff!

I originally made the majority of the posts about where everyone is now back in 2022, when I intended to have the blog launched as part of the 10th anniversary of Gravity Falls airing.

Well clearly that didn't pan (🩷💛💙🍳) out but maybe it was so it could instead coincide with all the revelations from TBoB! Life is kinda a beautiful thing sometimes.

Anyway point being, I'll have to tweak the timeline a bit. Which is fine because I wanted Dippin Dots and Mabes to hold some jobs before college anyway so really my lack of updating is just an excuse for this. That's the major point I could think of but if I didn't properly consider others please sound off 📣 (yes I'm a cringe emoji user AND I'M PROUD)

Soos and Melody are still attempting to conceive because they want at least one bio child if they can but they're working on adoption.

Many assume Gus Burnside to be missing or worse dead. But maybe... he's still out there somewhere...with his physical body fulfilling a deal. But y'know! No one can say for certain!

To be completely honest I'm still figuring out my interpretation of Bill's backstory. Sorry about that.

Though the reason the Axolotl has contacted our dimension to begin with has to do with his concern...about a certain someone. And who better to give a helping hand than the fandom and the Zodiac?

Since Stan taught Wendy how to hot wire vehicles and whatnot, they one day found a fairly intact Harley motorcycle in the dump. They fix it up together and Stan declares it hers. This is where her Harley previously mentioned in other posts comes from.

When did this happen? I've always assumed the Stans come back to land from time to time, including some summers. So likely during summer but a holiday could work too!

Mabel loves being a passenger. Dipper not so much unless he clings tight. Wendy installs a seat back at some point and this helps ease his anxiety. A little. He likes seeing the scenery though so he'll bare through it if asked to ride. Not to mention he cares for Wendy and thus doesn't want to deny her sharing her joy.

Robbie probably figured out he wanted to be an anime artist while doodling in college classes he wasn't paying attention to. Either he was in generals or some other degree at this point. He only drew in private during high school.

THIS NEXT SECTION WILL BE SHIPS 🚨 YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Pacifica during her high school/diner years thought she like liked Dipper. And well, she was Dipper's rebound crush so at around 15 or so they dated for a while. Pacifica however eventually realizes she's actually a lesbian and was misinterpreting her care for Dippin Dots, as well as thinking she only had so many options initially. Dipper realizes it was to cope with Wendy.

Therefore they cut off romantic ties on good terms and continue to be good friends.

(I have nothing against Dipcifica, it's cute. I'm just personally a Mabcifica person and enjoy my lesbian Pacifica hc)

In their early college years Mabel and Pacifica become girlfriends, LET'S GOOOOOO

Candy and Dipper have began to catch each other's eyes... they've healed from the events of Roadside Attraction in the years since and now they can have a healthier relationship in several ways. I WILL DIE FOR THIS SHIP OKAY

Fiddleford and Ford are sweet old man boyfriends. Though romance baffles Ford it makes enough sense with Fiddleford.

Stan is Stan. Though maybe all of his family coming out awakes something in him... something new to explore about himself...

Past Billford will likely be discussed at some point, though they haven't been a thing for decades and it was toxic to begin with.

Grenda and Marius are of course married ❤️ Candy, Mabel, and Pacifica were her bridesmaids. Mabel and Candy were piling over each other trying to get the bouquet, though Wendy catches it. Uninterested in marriage she throws it back out and reflexively Dipper catches it. After confused for a solid moment he tosses it and finally Pacifica then catches it.

_________

SHIP SECTION FINISHED ⚠️

The Pines Twins revisit Gravity Falls every summer until their high school graduation. Well *maybe* they go one more after graduation but then they have job schedules to contend with.

One of those summers (probably when the Mystery Twins are 15) their parents surprise them with a visit! But then they start to question everything because y'know. Weird town.

Eventually the truth comes out about everything, and they better understand their kids.

It wasn't the easiest summer but an important one.

They let their children return because they know how dearly they love their time there, albeit with ground rules established.

As for their jobs, Mabel was a barista and Dipper restocked shelves at a grocery store.

Dipper now has come to care for his birth name and birthmark. He still likes going by Dipper but he insists that only those close with him use the name. The only reason he still wears bangs is that his hairstyle is just comfortable and familiar. This also keeps his birthmark special as only some get to see it (in full).

Mabel still loves knitting and sweaters, but she's experimented a lot with fashion throughout the years. She now has more variety in her wardrobe than sweaters and skirts.

The twins live in dorms with a couple roommates and return back to their childhood home during holidays and summer. They intend to live in Gravity Falls once they get all their education/credentials.

Waddles is an old man but still kickin'. The parents were initially upset with his presence but were convinced by Stan to begrudgingly keep him. They grew to care for the piggy as well.

The family cat (Sniffles) has since passed :(

They have a dog (Honey) now though! She was a puppy from a dog Dipper once dogsat. The owners didn't realize said dog was preggo. It was a whole thing. Anyway Mabel loves putting her in cute outfits that match Waddles, something she used to do with Sniffles.

Mabel is a k-pop multistan (originating from Candy and Grenda introducing it to her) and absolutely loves drinking boba/jelly milk tea. Dipper likes the sound of k-pop music but isn't a fan the same way his sister is. He likes milk tea but the boba pearls themselves freak him the heck out.

There's a lot more but I'm blanking 🤪

[lostsaucers]

on this day, 65 years ago, the 17th episode of the many loves of dobie gillis aired on cbs at 8:30pm. the episode, titled "the hunger strike", contains the first appearance of the character known as chatsworth osborne jr. originally intended to be milton armitage's replacement, he would eventually develop into the colorful, flamboyant playboy we all know and love. approximately 59 years after this debut, i would discover this show and eventually chatsworth himself.

never in a million years would i have imagined the tremendous impact this character or television series would have on me. i discovered this show during the second worst period of my life. i was 14 years old. i was full of uncertainty and severe, debilitating anxiety. i was in and out of legal troubles with my school (truancy). i was even taken away from my mother's custody (as punishment for truancy. she's a wonderful woman /genuine). i was a living wreck, and i hated myself every single day. i was deep into scooby-doo in this period, and in my quest for knowledge, i learn scooby's origins. the love child between the radio drama i love a mystery and, of course, dobie gillis.

i was in 9th grade. i was sent to a smaller alternative school due to a mental breakdown i had at our town's main high school. i was in a class called "rebound". basically it was there to help troubled teens like me and offered educational help and dropout prevention. it was the second period of the day. i don't remember if i finished my work at this point, or if i just wanted to multi-task, but at some point i decided to check dobie out. the first episode is legally free on youtube (it hadn't been blocked yet). so i watched it. it was quaint, kinda funny. as i watched, i imagined everyone as their scooby counterpart. and i believe that's what kept me going through the show.

i don't know which episode exactly made me love the show. many of the first season's episodes are standout and hilarious. and watching it with my mom (who's also never seen it before) definitely added to the experience. we both laughed our asses off and had our own little in-jokes. but i can say for certain which episode made me fall in love with chatsworth.

for years i never said which one it was. i always found it embarrassing to be frank (the reason, not the episode). but i don't care anymore! the episode was "soup and fish", the 30th episode of the show. i had always had a fixation on chatsworth, but this one truly made me fall head over heels. this is the episode where chatsworth was shifting to his own original character instead of "milton 2" (i think the true shift happened two episodes later, in "put your feet in our hands"). in "soup and fish", dobie and maynard are invited to a fancy soiree, but it's black tie and they can't afford one dickey, let alone two full tuxedos. that's where chatsworth comes in. the three eventually agree to share chatsworth's tuxedo (or "dinner jacket" as he calls it), taking shifts.

i'll pause the synopsis here because i don't wish to spoil the episode and the rest is irrelevant. now here's the hard part... confessing the reason. seeing chatsworth in his undergarments (tank, shorts, and garters) rewired my brain. as dumb as it sounds, he made me gay. prior to this, i was very confused about who i liked. i identified as polysexual at this time, and before that i was demi-bisexual. but chatsworth rewired my brain so much it removed any ounce of heterosexuality i had (although truly i don't think i ever had it).

and, well, the rest is history. if you've known me since the beginning (wow!) you would've remembered when i went by rudy. which... i don't feel like getting into. point is, chatsworth had a very positive impact on my mental health at large. i think him, maynard, dobie gillis as a whole, and zoloft saved my life. for that, i thank them every day.

i wish i could've spoke to steve franken, to tell him how much his role truly meant to me. but sadly, he passed away within a week of my uncle passing. i was almost 9. sometimes i do dream about steve (when he was older). we just talk, i ask him questions, and we just genuinely have a pleasant experience. i know it's not really him and it's just my subconscious... but those dreams give me great comfort. steve truly seemed like a swell guy, and it's sad he never truly got the recognition he deserved. it's hard to think of what could've been if the stars didn't align how they did. if dobie was played by ronnie burns instead of dwayne hickman, or if warren beatty decided to keep playing milton. but, i shall end that thought here.

chatsworth, i love you. you are truly the best thing to have ever come out of that awful period in my life. i love being your spouse and your lover. if i could, i'd kiss you a million times right here and now. i love you so, so dearly. thank you for existing.

[randomjreader]

YOUNG ROYALS SEASON 2 SPOILERS AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Alright, I decided to split watching season 2 into two parts, so this is me dumping out all my feelings for the first 3 episodes of yr2.

Ya know, I really expected that fire Sara set to be a bigger thing than it was, but I'm glad it wasn't

Ok, OK BUT WILLE IS HITTING RLLY DIFFERENT THIS SEASON AND IM HERE FOR IT, THE WAY HE MADE AUGUST CALL HIM "YOUR HIGHNESS?" 👀👀 Respectfully, that was attractive as hell, he is attractive as hell this season

"I got a haircut" Aw Wille 😭 you're trying 😭

Nils is one of us? NILS IS ONE OF US 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

SIMON IS SO FUCKING CUTE THE WAY HE WAS SO DAMN HAPPY TO GET THAT SOLO?? MY HEART Y'ALL, MY HEART

Wille is taking NO SHIT AND IM HERE FOR IT, I'm loving this new royally assertive Wille honestly like YES KING LET AUGUST TREMBLE UNDER UR FEET

Ok...but I do feel sorry for August watching that scene with him and Sara, is that bad? (Also...Sara??? 👀)

I love my boys, I do, but I'm with Simon on the space thing. Wille did hurt him, so he deserves to want some distance

WILLE LOSING IT AT THE ROYAL FAMILY AND STANDING HIS GROUND YES!! GO FERAL WILLE I SUPPORT IT

Ok but it's so crazy to me that I'm not even halfway through episode 2 and I feel like everyth in the trailer has already been shown like damn, there's still more???

Ok, are we supposed to be rooting for Kristina or not? Like it kind of feels like she's trying to be supportive? But it's also not done in the best way? And I get where she's coming from, but I also don't agree with it all that much? Idk, she conflicts me. She says she doesn't care that he likes guys but do we believe her? Or is this just for show?

Feeling a lil bad for Marcus tbh, it does seem like he rlly likes Simon, but Simon is clearly only looking for a rebound

Oh??? August being called in by the queen??? Is she finally gonna defend Wille and hold August accountable??

NO WILLE PUT SIMON'S PHONE DOWN DON'T DO THAT

Ok, I fucking ADORE Wille and Felice's frnship, it's so pure and good 😭 I love that despite Felice's crush on him in the past they were able to get over it and be real frns. Plus showing a positive and platonic boy-girl frnship with no romantic drama? Hell yes

Erik was in therapy too??? Ahhh I rlly wish he was still alive it wld have been so cool to explore him as a character

ALSO, absolutely loving that they're rlly going in depth about Wille's struggles with anxiety this season, I mean they did do that last season too but he's talking abt it with someone this season

Ah yes, the expected happened. August and Sara slept tgt

Is August being better this season? I do see him doing some good things, like the way he tried to stand up for the team when Vincent made them run 17km, and sorta standing up for Simon. Are we getting a redemption arc? Idk how I feel bout that tbh

AUGUST WAS MADE NEXT IN LINE??? WHAT?

WILLE AND FELICE HOLDING EACH OTHER 😭😭 I'm so soft for them stop

WHAT THE FUCK?! NEVER FUCKING MIND I SPOKE WAY TOO FUCKING SOON NONONONONONO WHAT DID THEY DO TO FELICE AND WILLE NOOOOOOO

WHY, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KISS? I WAS ROOTING FOR MY PLATONIC FELICE-WILLE PAIRING!! AND FELICE KNOWS ITS NOT RIGHT TOO SHE DID BACK OFF FOR A LITTLE BIT

THEY BOTH KNOW WILLE IS STILL OBSESSED WITH SIMON THEY BOTH KNOW THAT AIN'T RIGHT AND NOW MY LIL PLATONIC PAIRING HAS BEEN TAINTED Y'ALL IM IN PAIN

How am I supposed to last this next 3 episodes? What is going on? My head is spinning I'm just djakdbamndjdjdjsjdnd

[rattyoakenbitch]

karate kid: “because of you” ₊˚ ⸝  johnny x reader

❝but it can all get a lil’ crazy, unless there’s something to hold onto. for me, that was true love.❞

gif credit: n/a song: lana del rey - because of you

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

pairings: johnny lawrence (1984) x reader

warnings: angst, language, mentions of sex, themes of depression, the overuse of the word ‘baby’ lmfaooo

summary: despite johnny’s reputation, you still weren’t expecting him, your first and only, to be unfaithful. but you were only a blind fool in love, after all.

“.. What the hell is going on here?”

You stood back on the beach overlook with your friend, watching the scene unravel before your eyes.

Below you, there Johnny was, along with his little Cobra Kai gang. The small crowd of teenagers around him shouted and cheered as he brawled with a smaller kid in a red sweater, who was obviously getting his ass beat. 

“Dammit, Johnny, stop!” 

A familiar high pitched, girlish scream caught your attention. Your eyes scanned the crowd until they stopped on Ali, who you knew to be Johnny’s old flame. Despite them being over for a while now, you knew Johnny still had feelings for her. But it was something you buried in the back of your mind. You were too in love with Johnny to acknowledge or care about the fact that he hasn’t moved on. 

Now, watching what was happening, you didn’t know what to think or how to feel. You’ve barely talked to Johnny at all over the week, and now you find him here?

Instead of intervening and chasing after Johnny, you gestured for your friend to follow you back to the car and head elsewhere. She didn’t protest and based on the heartbroken expression on your face, she knew better than to question you. Now was not the time to talk it through. 

Since that night, things were not the same. You explained your situation to your parents who were aware of your relationship, or now former relationship with Johnny. Johnny would call a few times a day, but you never bothered to pick up. His calls started to get more and more frequent, so you ended up blocking his number. Because of this, you started to fall out with the Cobra Kais, who you made good friends with because of your relationship with Johnny. So knowing you’d run into them at school, you stopped attending and would spend the days locked up in your room, only going out to use the bathroom or get something from the kitchen. By now, Johnny knew something was up, and went as far as to pick a fight with your dad whenever he’d drop by your house, asking to see you.

“Come on! I just wanna see Y/N, dammit!”

“She’s none of your business anymore, young man. Now get the hell off my property!”

“Man, fuck you! Let me see her! I need to talk to her!”

“You have three seconds, Mr Lawrence!”

“Y/N, I know you’re in there! I know you can hear me!”

The days became gloomier and gloomier. Weeks had passed and you hadn’t talked to anybody. You shut everyone out and would spend the days alone in your bed, wallowing in your own self pity.

How could you be so foolish?

To think you could be the one to fix Johnny. 

To think he loved you as much as you loved him.

To think he would want a future with you as much as he wanted your clothes off.

But the reality hit you; you were just a rebound. And you let him use you. It was all your fault. 

An overwhelming feeling of nausea and anxiety overtook you. You jumped off your bed and ran to the bathroom, pushing open the toilet lid and vomiting. You flushed the contents down and got to your feet to straighten yourself up. You looked at yourself in the mirror, your eyes widening in disbelief. You didn’t even recognize your reflection.. The person looking back at you was a stranger.

You lifted your hand up to touch your face as you analyzed your appearance. You had dark bags under your bloodshot eyes, your hair disheveled, skin pale and dry. 

“That’s just great.”

Sighing, you stooped down to the sink to rinse your mouth out and splash water on your face. As soon as you were finished, you flicked the light switch and trailed back to your room. However, you were stopped in your tracks by the sound of your father’s voice. 

“Y/N..? Oh, wow.. Wow, girl, I haven’t seen you in days.. How are you feeling now?” He stared down at you, searching your empty face for answers. You avoided his gaze, crossing his arms and looking down at your feet. He sighed, “The school called. You need to return by this Monday.”

You felt your heart sink. You looked up at him, opening your mouth to speak until he cut you off.

“I know you’re still healing but... This isn’t good for you. When you get back to school, you’ll at least get to hang out with your friends again, right?” You weakly shrugged, causing him to let out another heavy sigh. He patted your shoulder. “It’ll get better and soon, you’ll be back to your normal self!”

“What day is it?” you asked.

“It’s Sunday..”

You groaned, “Oh, gosh.” 

“Hey, hey, hey, you’ll be fine.”

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll run into my ex and his little posse, who I ghosted, and then have to explain to my friends why I look and feel like shit. Great. Thanks dad,” you scoffed sarcastically, and stormed off into your room, slamming it shut.

Today was the today. Exasperatingly, you dragged yourself out of bed, showered, brushed your teeth, and tied up your hair into a long braid that cascaded down your back. You figured you’d put on a bit of concealer to hide your dark circles, and topped that off by applying dark red lipstick. You dressed yourself in a white shirt, the collar sticking out of the green sweater you layered on top of it. You matched that with a white pleated skirt that stopped mid thigh, and slipped on a pair of black knee high socks. 

Finished with your look, you shrugged on your backpack and headed downstairs, putting on your Mary Janes before pulling open the front door. You ignored your mom’s calls and ran out to the driveway, about to get into your vehicle to head to school. However, the plans seemed to change when a familiar red car idling on your street caught your attention. 

Your heart began to thump loudly in your chest when you met Johnny’s burning gaze as he waited for you in the car. Knowing how stubborn and persistent he was, you immediately gave up and got into the car, slamming the door shut. 

“All right, so you gonna explain where the hell you’ve been?” Anger and rancor dripped off his voice. You knew this would happen.

Turning to look him in the eye, you treated him with the same attitude. “Oh, that’s just golden! Where have I been? No, Johnny, where the hell have you been? I was trying to reach you for over a week until I found you at the beach with Ali.. Not to mention you were picking on that poor kid.”

As soon as you mentioned Ali, Johnny’s demeanor changed. He laid back into his seat, his jaw clenched. He was caught. 

“Did you seriously think I wouldn’t find out?”

When he wouldn’t reply, you broke the silence. “I don’t wanna argue with you right now, let alone talk to you. Now just drive me to school or I’ll be late.”

He scoffed. “Since when did you care about being late? You were absent for more than a week!”

“Jeez, wonder why,” you retorted. “You know what? This was a mistake.” You pushed open the car door, about to step out, when Johnny gripped your wrist, pulling you back. 

“Wait, don’t go,” he said softly, begging you to stay. Worry filled his big baby blue eyes as he waited on your decision. “Please, Y/N.” You could never say no to him, especially when he was giving you that look. You got back into the car and shut the door, but faced away from Johnny. You swatted away his hand, causing him to recoil and put both hands on the wheel. 

“If we’re gonna talk, let’s not do it here,” you said.

After that, you both stayed silent as he started the car, driving off to wherever. As you drew nearer to your destination, the surroundings started to look more and more familiar. It hit you; this is where you and Johnny had your first kiss, and maybe a little more than just that.. You found yourself smiling at the memories. Then again, maybe some things are just better as memories. 

You were laid beside Johnny on his car, watching the sunset. When the sun went down, instead of heading back home, you ended up stargazing together. You both entirely forgot about your surroundings and the time, getting lost in conversation. Conversation turned into kissing, which eventually lead to something much more heated. 

“You’re so damn beautiful, baby. I can’t believe you’re all mine,” Johnny hummed, beaming and grinning widely. You giggled, continuing to pepper his pretty face with kisses.

“Well, you better believe it then, babe,” you said in between kisses. “Cause I’m not going anywhere.” 

Johnny sighed in satisfaction, pulling you closer to him. “Good, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Johnny managed to catch your lips, capturing you in a deep, passionate and loving kiss. He held you tightly against him as you straddled his lap like his life depended on it. 

Johnny pulled over, snapping you back into reality. You overlooked the city as he shut off the car engine with a heavy sigh, preparing himself for whatever was to come out of this conversation.

“So? You got anything to say for yourself, Lawrence?”

He took a moment to think, before opening his mouth to speak. 

“Y/N.. I’m sorry. I fucked up big time.” You scoffed at that, rolling your eyes and looking away from Johnny. “I’m sorry! I really am! I know I shouldn’t have gone after Ali when I had you.”

“Had,” you pointed out, chuckling.

“Oh, just listen to me, will ya? I told you I’m sorry and I admit to my mistakes!”

“And lemme guess; you’re telling me all this just now because Ali once again rejected you?” Johnny stayed silent, a sheepish and guilty look on his face. You groaned, “For fucks sake, Johnny. Do you ever mean the things you say? This was a complete waste of my time.”

“I didn’t wanna lose you, Y/N.”

“If you’re still loving Ali, then you’ve already lost me.”

“Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious. You ghosted me! At least I tried to make things right between us instead of running away!”

“You really are an awful person, Johnny Lawrence. My friends were right about you-” you blurted out. Your throat ached as you tried to keep yourself together. “You’re really nothing but a player! There is no ‘us’. You don’t give a damn about me. You never did. So just drop the act and take me to school,” you whispered the last part, not wanting Johnny to hear your voice break. But he could easily see through your anger and sense the sadness in your voice.

You faced the opposite direction from Johnny. 

“Please look at me,” Johnny said after a while. You refused to glance his way, your eyes fixed on your fingers as you anxiously twiddled them together. The rage built up inside of you and the thoughts fueled by heartbreak, you kept to yourself. You wanted to be strong. You didn’t want to show Johnny how much he truly hurt you. But all that was gone when tears began to stream down your face. 

“Oh, Y/N, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I-” Johnny trailed off, his voice cracking. He felt so lost. He had never been faced with a situation like this, even with Ali. And he’s never seen you cry before. You were always tough and strong in front of him, and to see you bawl like this, he thought it really must be that bad. 

“Don’t apologize unless you really mean it,” you sniffled. “Don’t make it worse than it already is.”

“Then I’m gonna keep apologizing because I mean it! With all my heart, Y/N, I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you cry. I can’t stand seeing you like this because of me.”

You turned your face slightly towards Johnny’s direction, curiosity and hope sparking inside of you. 

“I was told that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And even if you leave after this, I’m not gonna hide the way I feel, Y/N. I’ve never felt this way about a girl. Even with Ali. That’s why I was confused at first, but I knew I wanted to make it work with you.” Johnny squeezes your hand in his significantly bigger ones. “I hated to admit it at first, but I was and am smitten with you. You cross my mind everyday, and every song reminds me of you. And- And even if you shut me out after this.. If you go, I’ll stay. Even when you fall out of love, I just want you to know I’ll always have feelings for you.”

You didn’t know what to say after Johnny’s confession. You had all these emotions; betrayal, heartbreak, anger, confusion. They clouded your mind. You didn’t know how to properly react. 

“Do you really mean that?”

Johnny chuckles sadly, “I may be a douche, but I’m not a liar.”

You leaned back into your seat, replaying everything that just happened in your head. Johnny’s confessions, his declaration of love for you. You knew Johnny had a rough life and wasn’t one to be open about his feelings. And you also knew you loved that boy, even after the pain he caused you. Did you really wanna risk it and be with him? 

After being silent for a while, the uncomfortable stillness in the air prompted Johnny to speak up. 

“You- I- I’ll just.. I can take you home. Wherever-”

“No! Wait, don’t,” you placed your hand over Johnny’s before he got the chance to start the car. You locked eyes with him, your heart beat beginning to speed up suddenly. You were stuck on what to do at that moment. 

“Oh, fuck it,” you thought to yourself, and cupped Johnny’s face, bringing him closer to you. Now without the support of your hands, you were caught off balance and ended up stumbling atop Johnny. And in the heat of the moment, you crashed your lips to his. Okay, that was totally intentional. 

Johnny didn’t waste a second and immediately kissed you back, holding you steady above him. You really didn’t want to, but you had to break the kiss for air, giving Johnny the chance to let out breathy words.

“Fuck, I’ve missed you so much, baby.”

You pressed your forehead to his and wrapped your arms around his shoulders while you tangled your fingers in his hair. He cupped your face, placing gentle little kisses on your nose.

“Nothing bad is gonna happen to us, baby, I promise.”

[the-flappy-spookster]

A Review On ‘The Barbie Diaires’ (2006)

If you’ve spent any time in the Barbie fandom then you’ll know this movie is generally known for its horrific animation style which gives the whole film a bad rep. However! there are some redeeming qualities so let’s just start with those. (I also wanna apologise in advance for the bad quality gifs 😭)

This.

We have to start with this.

This fucking diary bracelet set was the COOLEST thing to me as a kid.

The designs were so pretty and I love how you use the bracelet to unlock the diary, reminds me a lot of that password journal toy from the 2000s. Stephanie alone is such an iconic character, I mean this witty and stylish woman sells you a wish granting diary and then disappears- so mysterious.

However, I just wish they would’ve explored the magical part more as Barbie’s revelation in the middle of the movie always felt underwhelming to me. The film felt like it was trying too hard to be Mean Girls and forgot about the magical side of the book. It took away some of the film’s authenticity. I wouldn’t find this as a big issue normally but as the whole movie was centred around the diary it would make more sense.

At the time of it’s release, the film quickly became the outlier between all of the earlier fantasy releases. Like I said before, it’s one of the more realistic Barbie movies. But, It was nice to see a more relatable side of Barbie that deals with things like social anxiety, feeling isolated, bullying and relationships. As a kid, I didn’t like or understand this but I can appreciate it now.

Regardless, this movie is as cheesy and clique as you can get for an American Highschool drama but this somehow made the movie more enjoyable. I definitely believe they looked at 90s-2000s chic flicks for inspiration. Which is probably the main reason this movie is ranked so high on my list.

Here’s where is starts going down hill…

Let’s start with Kevin, FUCKIN KEVIN MAN. People might think I’m being harsh with this because Kevin was generally a good guy, he has the best friends to lovers relationship with Barbie. HOWEVER some of his dialogue or actions just doesn’t sit right with me, it comes off as just plain creepy.

@caitlinmckillop on YouTube actually explains this perfectly in her “ranking every barbie movie Ken from trash to marriage material” video.

Whilst on the subject of characters tho, TODD kinda sucks too. I mean he literally used Barbie as a rebound, broke up with her the second his ex comes callin, tries to get back with her. I don’t know he just seems like lowkey bit of a jerk.

Finally we get to this

THE👏ANIMATION👏 ..need I say more??

Won’t sugar coat it- the animation style for this movie was just terrible, the realism mixed in with barbie’s already doll like form was just odd. It makes the movie hard to watch. Mattel was clearly trying something different with this movie and I think it’s interesting to see how many other Barbie movies would later be created from this experience. For example Fashion Fairytale or the new Barbie Dreamhouse series both depicts Barbie in a modern setting. Other than that it was just so disappointing.

To conclude this, I’m rating this movie…

✨2.3 Bibbles out of 5✨

The Barbie Diaries though lacking in animation style makes up for it with its nostalgic 2000 feel, unique concepts and loveable cliques.

If you’re still here, thank you so much for you time and attention, have a wonderful day :)

[feysandfeels]

Which TS songs remind you of the different couples in SJM’s books???

Boy do I ??

You are a blessed soul for asking me this, and know that I adore you. 

There is now a part II to this.

Feysand:

Begin Again: “I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again” Baby Feyre finding that love is not toxic, that love is supportive, that love can be wonderful. “You said you never met one girl who had As many James Taylor records as you But I do” but think of is as “he said he never met a girl who wasn’t afraid of his power, but i do”. Also also “Walked in expecting you'd be late But you got here early and you stand and wave I walk to you” because Feyre’s used to T*mlin’s mediocre ass but Rhys surprised her by being a decent human and treating her with respect, which makes her realize that she was starved for respect and that T*mlin was not giving her what every decent human being should get from the get go from their partner.

Ivy: Feyre slowly falling in love with Rhys, thinking about Rhys in the Spring Court between Night Court visits Also throughout ACOMAF how she battles with her ever growing feelings for the Lord of the Night, while feeling guilty about T*mlin, because they *just broke up*: “Oh, goddamn My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand Taking mine, but it's been promised to another Oh, I can't Stop you putting roots in my dreamland My house of stone, your ivy grows And now I'm covered in you” and “I wish to know The fatal flaw that makes you long to be Magnificently cursed He's in the room Your opal eyes are all I wish to see He wants what's only yours”.

End game: I can practically see Rhys singing this in the shower thinking about Feyre, when she decided to work with him and him thinking like “YES THIS HAS TO BE A SIGN”. His reputation precedes him and in rumours he’s knee deep, him and Feyre would be a big conversation, he has enemies, he has heard about her and she has heard about him. He thinks “she’s so dope that he might overdose”. She’s been calling his bluff on all his usual tricks so here’s the truth from his red lips!!!!!

Dress: “Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me Flashback to my mistakes My rebounds, my earthquakes Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me And I woke up just in time Now I wake up by your side My one and only, my lifeline”. Need I say more? I think not your honor. 

Call it what you want: “I said you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?” That’s Feyre’s whole arc, I rest my case.

Nessian: the happiness I feel about the fact that these two are together is just enough to make me smile on a Monday

False God - The song literally opens up saying “We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I'd die for you” HELLOOOO?? NESTA THINKING ABOUT THAT SCENE IN ACOWAR?? but also feeling that she’s unworthy of Cassian and that there is no way in hell that he will love her with all that she is.

Don’t Blame Me - The power of this song lies in the I unapologetic- powerful-full on I give myself to you and I will do it over and over again energy it has. And this is the energy that Nesta has for Cassian (even when homegirl really tries to pretend otherwise lol boo you tried). The “through your love I found salvation” religious aspect of Don’t blame me is Nesta, because through Cassian’s love and presence she found the perspective she needed on herself. Also this book was a religious experience for me. Jesus fuck.

Sparks Fly: From Cassian to Nesta, with love. First of all Cassian would be a diehard swiftie (all of the bat boys for that matter, merch a the concert, what will we do if we get invited to the rep room?? fans. Az woud be like the quiet yet “no, speak one ill word of Taylor and that’s your end, she did nothing wrong she was framed and I have evidence”). Second of all “The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I'm a house of cards You're the kind of reckless that should send me running But I kinda know that I won't get far” That’s him alright, that’s him knowing that Nesta is a force to be reckoned with and he wants nothing nothing but to be in that storm and live within the force of nature that she is. Thirdly “My mind forgets to remind me, your a bad idea You touch me once and it's really something You find I'm even better than you, imagined I would be I'm on my guard for the rest of the world But with you I know its no good And I could wait patiently But I really wish you would” 

Elucien: This is an Elucien blog. 

Lover - In all honesty wanted to give this song to Feysand, because they are my main otp and this song is the highest of the high from Taylor, but I can’t deny the fact that this song screams Elucien. “With every guitar string scar on my hand” I think is a beautiful parallel for Elain and gardening, “My heart’s been borrowed, and yours has been blue” this speaks of Gr*yson and Jesminda, “I loved you three summers now but I want them all” that’s Lucien speaking ma’am. “Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”, both of them about the bond. “And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me and at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover” we all know Lucien has a mind for dirty jokes and sass and Elain would always save him the sit next to her because he is the one who truly saw her and, in his distance, was the presence she needed while she figured it all out. Finally, The fact that the song has very clear wedding tones I think fits the headcanon, that more than a mating ceremony, Elucien would have a wedding, because it feels like something Elain would feel more comfortable with. 

Treacherous -“I can't decide if it's a choice Getting swept away I hear the sound of my own voice Asking you to stay”..... mmmmmm is this or isn’t it Elain getting closer to Lucien, but still wondering if it’s the bond or her, yet nonetheless surrendering to the fact that she wants him to stay. “This slope is treacherous This path is reckless This slope is treacherous And I, I, I like it” Elain doesn’t want an easy love, to simple do as the bond suggests she wants something that has twigs and branches and where she needs to question herself and truly ask what she wants out of life and this relationship. Also the softness of the melody juxtaposed with the vulnerability, brings a soft rawness that is Elain. 

King of my heart: Neither of them expected to feel like they could love with all the hope and unapologetic free falling feel characteristic of first loves, yet here we are. They rule their kingdom inside the room because they are discovering their feelings for each other away from prying eyes and people that have expectations on how they should work with the mating bond and all that. “Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury” Again, with the love away from everyone, feeling their world shift around what they are starting to feel for one another. “Is the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending With all these nights we're spending” did we say healing arc through love and support an “not expecting anything to come off this, but I just want to see you well” à la sjm?? I THINK WE DID.

Emorie: I’m working with crumbs here, delicious crumbs that will make a delicious emorie cake, but crumbs nonetheless.. I need more and I need it now.

I think he knows - My girl Emerie crushing hard hard haaaaaaaaard on Mor.

Cruel Summer - “I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you And I snuck in through the garden gate Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh) And I screamed for whatever it's worth "I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard” this is prime PRIME PRIME ANGST, we will get from these two.  

Gwynriel: this is an edit because I'm not a hoe for these two (yet...trust me once I see Az heal this is the tag where you will find me) and I did not know which songs might fit them and then when I posted it I was like WAIT WAIT I KNOW.

Gold rush - Gwyn talking herself out of her crush on Az after finding out about the whole necklace and being like “I don’t want a gold rush”.

Daylight - Az is a Taylor hoe first, spymaster second. She just makes him feel things. But in all seriousness “Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it goI wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love” this is Az healing and being in better place where he can reflect on how he used to relate to love and romantic relationships, he now understands that love is not black and white but golden. He stepped into this notion of love and through it he found a beautiful relationship with Gwyn, he wants to be defined by the love he feels for her and the love he feels for his family, not by the things that haunted him, not by his mistakes, not by his trauma. He is golden, he is daylight, shadows and all he is daylight. 

Az + Elain: As a romantic end game they are not my ship, but I do stand by my pre-acosf position that these two would be really good friends

Out of the woods -  Where we stand after acosf I say that it is not far fetched that they might hook up and then realize that it’s not for them and that experience helps them access a new part of their healing: “They lost each other, but they found themselves”. The anxiety that this song mirrors is the anxiety of them knowing something doesn’t quite *fit* right, that they are both in turbulent times emotionally and this relationship is not giving them the peace they thought it would. They are paper airplanes, because they know that it’s not the right call for where they are in their own journeys if they want to heal properly and that neither will get what they truly want from the other one. The monsters who turned out to be trees, they are in the woods in this relationship, they were built to fall apart.. are all images that speak of the dynamic we could see of them, they try it doesn’t work and then after, when they are in better places mentally they will look back and be like “we dodge a bullet there didn’t we”.

Bonus: His necklace hanging around her neck, the image is clear there and so is the commentary. 

Az + Mor: formerly known as Moriel, the ship that used to reign my heart

Breath - This song is entirely from Az’s perspective once he and Mor talk about, well, everything. This is not how he had planned it, this is not how he wanted this to go, but “people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out, but it’s killing me to see you go after all this time” referencing letting go of the romantic feelings he had for her. They were a crutch for him and now he has to face life and the things that torment him about it, without the protection and comfort his crush on her offered him. “And we know it's never simple, Never easy Never a clean break, no one here to save me You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,” regardless of what you all want to think, they do love and know each other but shift in their dynamic will mean an adjustment for both of them... it’s not a clean break. “Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve”, also Idc about what you all think, Az never never never wanted to hurt Mor, if he knew his behavior was in someway affecting her he would have done something, and I think from the aftermath of him going after Eris on ACOWAR we can see that... also this might allude to him actually knowing that Mor is a lesbian and he has tried to make sure she feels safe around him and knows that he has her back agains the whole world if need be, regardless of her lack of romantic feelings for him. 

Feyl*n: honestly who knew there would be so many songs that would fit these two. Such bops for a crappy dude like T*mlin.

Exile - “I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)” He never even tried to learn to read her mind, he never turned things around and she gave so so many signs. The way he looks at Rhys like he’s his understudy, but no sugar he’s the principal actor and you got fired.

Getaway car - and I oop. Because that is essentially what they were both to each other. Feyre needed someone to give her security and financial stability, T*mlin needed someone to break the curse: “It was the best of times the worst of crimes”.

Bad blood - LOOOOOL. They used to be mad love and now they have bad blood.

Tell me why -  Imma just leave a collection of quotes here that well allude to them through the first act of ACOMAF: “I took a chance, I took a shot And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not You took a swing, I took it hard And down here from the ground, I see who you are” Feyre seeing T*mlin for the abusive person that he is, from the ground.. where his behavior put her. Also “I'm sick and tired of your reasons I got no one to believe in You tell me that you want me, then push me around And I need you like a heartbeat But you know you got a mean streak Makes me run for cover when you're around Here's to you and your temper Yes, I remember what you said last night And I know that you see what you're doing to me Tell me why” The if he loved me, why did he do it and the “it’s not a question of if he loved you but how” conversation she has with Rhys.

I could go on and on forever placing all T-Swift songs around acotar characters, but I think this is getting longer than we all anticipated.. or did we? we all know I am not ✨concise✨. Anywho, thanks for sticking around.

Besos!!

BOOOONUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSS:

Obviously, Invisible String is for all my mated/soon to be mated boos, and I think Peace is a song that can apply to both Feysand and Nessian from Rhys’ and Nesta’s perspectives respectively. 

[echo-of-sounds]

it’s my choice

-Present Mix x reader-

your dream upsets you more than you want to admit and he can clearly tell something’s wrong

He felt up her sides, absolutely flawless skin, caressing her perfect curves. Her breasts conformed to his pinching and massaging fingers. Praise after praise dripped from his mouth. His eyes consumed her. Moans deepened to groans as she lifted, slowing lowering onto him.

Heart splintering, your body jerked awake. The dream haunted you for yet another night. But it harassed your mind throughout the day, leaving you touchy and twitchy. The plague sapped any confidence.

Carefully pushing the blankets aside, you stood. Hizashi groaned from his side of the bed, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Go back to sleep, honey.”

You hurried through your morning routine and left early before he even got up for a shower.

---- Scrolling through the news showed pictures upon pictures of Heroes. They were all strong in a way you could never be. Pride held their shoulders high. Bravery cloaked their smiles. Confidence built their bodies, burst from their mouths, and dominated their competition. Those were all things you could only reach in your imagination.

You clicked out of the page and rubbed your eyes. It was beyond ridiculous. The dream was exactly that- a dream. It shouldn’t be chasing and hounding you like this. But the same question kept coming back: why was Hizashi with you?

A receptionist. You worked as a fucking hospital receptionist. No big fights. No drama or interviews or posters. The last time you really looked in a mirror, all you saw were pores, the wrong hair, and the exact opposite of the ideal body. You were just the wrong person for him.

It made you feel like a hormonal teenager, hopelessly, helplessly, stranded apart from what the focus of your affection wanted. Self-doubts should have departed once you graduated high-school. But they clung, exhausting, sucking, spoiling the euphoria of your relationship. You only wanted to be happy. And they wouldn’t let you.

A coworker called your name, snapping you from the lamenting and back into work.

---- The bedroom door opened. Footsteps approached. Arms circled your waist, accompanied by coconut shampoo. Hizashi chimed, “That smells great.”

“It’s just soup.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s still great. When’s it gonna be ready?”

“Ten minutes.” You set the spoon down. Kisses lined your neck. You shirked from the embrace, pushing his chest a little too roughly for your liking. But you still told him, “Not now, Hizashi.”

“Okay.” He gave you space by stepping back. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve said that for the last three days. Call it a hunch or something but I’m starting to think it isn’t true.”

“I’m fine.” You eased your voice, hoping it didn’t sound like the anger was directed towards him.

No response came, so you focused on cutting the carrots. A few chops later, a quiet mutter barely reached your ears, “Am I not good enough for you anymore?”

“What?” You dropped the knife and spun. The shine of his eyes dulled. No wit nor cheer remained. It hurt to see: mental uncertainness fumed to physical aches. It wavered your throat as you asked, “Why would you ever think that?”

His arms lamely flopped. “I don’t know what to think. You barely touched me over the weekend. No kisses, no hugs or hand holds. You shrug me off. You aren’t talking to me. If it’s not that, what is it then?”

He would never be anything less than perfect. Music, laughter, joy, and passion were all magnificent. It brought life into your life. He was worth every day, every hug, every celebration, everything. You couldn’t dream of vocalizing his importance in any clear way.

It was you who would never match. It just wasn’t possible. And that wasn’t the insecurities talking or the false truths anxiety told you to believe. It was a fact. Your body, abilities, and strength just could not hold up to his or anyone else’s. The number of worthier people in the world was immeasurable. You just weren’t good enough.

The doubts weighed your shoulders. Hands gently held them. “Baby, please talk to me. I hate seeing you like this.”

You shook your head.

“I miss you.”

You crossed your arms, shrugging, “It’s nothing. It’s dumb. I’m sorry, I’ll just forget about it.”

“Don’t. It’s not dumb if it’s making you feel this bad.” His hands smoothed along your upper arms. Lips brushed your forehead, repeating, whispering, “Talk to me-”

“It’s really dumb.”

“-I’m right here for you.” He kissed your temple before drawing you to him, safely securing your body against his. His chest, thin but strong, vibrated with deep breaths, enhanced by his quirk.

They were breaths that didn’t care about your moods drops; A chest that rebounded from your uncomfortable shoving; Arms that ensured you were stable and desired; Kisses that cherished your skin, your imperfections, your stiff and withdrawn lips.

You didn’t deserve him. Yet your name was so sweet whenever it sprung from his mouth- more so when he lulled it in your ear. “What’s going through your head? Talk to me, baby.”

The melodic pet name caved your hold. You mumbled into his shirt, “I had a dream…”

“About?” he hummed, stroking your back.

“You cheating on me.”

“I would never do that.”

“I know. I trust you… but I keep thinking about how… plain I am. I want to think it's just doubts and insecurities talking but I can’t get them to go away, Hizashi. I love you but I also feel like you deserve someone… better than me.”

He pulled back, cupping your face. Water wet his eyes as he sighed, “I love you so much. You know that right?”

You nodded.

“There are thousands of people in this world and I’m not with them because I don’t want to be. I want to be with you.” He kissed your forehead. “You’re my baby and everything I want.” He kissed your nose. "You're perfect for me.” He kissed your lips. “And you’re far from plain. Just last month you tried to convince me to go skydiving.”

You dryly laughed, “No one wants to go with me.”

“Before that, you dragged me to the zoo so you could spend two hours gawking at the tigers.”

“They’re pretty.”

“So aren’t you,” he assured, kissing you again. “You’re stunning. I mean it when I say I want to be with you. You don’t get to decide you’re not enough for me. It’s my choice and I love you. Besides, you’re one of the few who’s willing to deal with me all the time.”

You wiped your eyes with a smile. “I am.”

"You are," he laughed. “Please don’t hide from me. I’m here to fight that small, little voice in the back of your head.”

The squeeze that’s throttled your heart finally loosened. Confidence seeped back into the empty spaces. It was warm and sweet and perfect. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for loving you.” He lightly tugged the bottom of your shirt, grinning wide. “Can I show you just how much I love you?”

“The soup’s almost done,” you denied his offer. His bottom lip stuck out so you promised, “After you can.”

“Good.” He smooched your cheek loudly.

[page-doctor-bekker]

Cat out of The Bag (transfemme!sarah)

(A/N) this takes place before Human Error, and THIS CONTAINS FLASHBACKS, PANIC ATTACKS, DISSOCIATION, GUN VIOLENCE, AND IMPLICATIONS OF A HATE CRIME

no ava in this one :( but caring dr charles and some lovely backstory

-

-

ED service was never, ever a boring day. Gaffney Chicago Medical Center could see a dozen traumas by noon, coming off the streets of the city Sarah called home.

Less often than traumas, they saw more serious emergencies; Code pinks when a newly-walking child wanders off, code greys when someone attacks someone without a weapon, a code red when someone decides it’s a great idea to smoke in the bathrooms, or…

“This is Maggie Lockwood in the ED, we have a code silver in the ED,” Maggie was quiet, glancing rapidly between the phone, and a treatment room where Dr. Charles was locked in with another man, maybe in his mid-40s.

Code silver. For guns.

Sarah’s heart practically stopped. She made panicked eye contact with Maggie, who shook her head and motioned for her to be quiet.

He covered her mouth, dragging her into the alleyway.

“Treatment two?” Sarah mouthed, and Maggie nodded.

Maggie hung the phone back up, and Sarah saw two security guards move into position outside the glass door to treatment two. Sarah felt short of breath, and like she wasn’t in her own body. She felt a sharp pain in her lower right abdomen, and she touched her thumb to the area, feeling the crater of a scar she had. She felt herself losing grip on her calmness, and really all she wanted to do was hide. Her head felt full - Not physically, but full of thoughts.

The phantom pain from her side got more intense, and Sarah squeezed the edge of the desk. Her knuckles were white, her breathing was shaky, and physically she could see but she was so in-her-head she couldn’t see what she was looking at.

She was under the table before she realized shots had fired, and she covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, focusing solely on her panic attack.

They’re going to get me.

She choked out a quiet sob, realizing she was the only one left inside, other than the doctors treating… Someone.

“No exit wound. Bullet may be lodged in his spine, push him on his side. He’ll choke on the blood if we don’t.”

“ED’s clear, PD’s on their way.”

“Are you sure there’s nobody else in the ED? Are the exits locked down?”

“Yes, positive. Checked every room. All critical patients are being transferred upstairs or to East Mercy, and all non-critical patients are being encouraged to relocate to other hospitals. We’re going on bypass,”

She threaded her hands through her hair and tugged, soliciting an ache at her scalp. It hurt, but it was almost grounding. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, she couldn’t catch her breath as if she had run two miles in the peak of summer.

The sound of the gunshot rang through her head, echoing through her skull, bouncing around and rebounding. She felt hands on her skin, and opened her eyes. She frantically checked her entire body, searching for the hands. They weren’t there, but they sure felt real. She twisted and flapped her hands rapidly, her fingers outstretched and extended as far as they could go. The stimulation usually calmed her, but nothing seemed to calm her right now. She couldn’t seem to get herself back to reality, although reality wasn’t much safer than the flashbacks she was stuck in.

She couldn’t breathe. She felt like she had been kicked in the stomach, and she wished she had never felt what that feels like in the first place. She heard another gunshot, whether real or fake, and felt searing pain at the site of her scar. White, hot pain, that burned and she clenched her teeth and held her hand to her side.

She felt warmth on her right flank, and her fingers were wet and red. She was oozing blood through her new shirt, a white transgender pride shirt that she had picked up from the festival, and changed into inside the teal port-a-potty. The festival organizers had hung flags and streamers on it, and a sign that said “ANY GENDER”.

“No pulse, bag him!”

She felt warmth on her side, but her fingers were dry and cold when she touched her scar. She untucked her shirt, and lifted it up. All she could see was the scar. She let out a sigh of relief. Just as soon as she let out that sigh, she was back.

She could see stars, and the Chicago streetlights, and feel the concrete on the back of her head. She tried to lift her head and look around, but her vision was blurry. Her hearing was echoey, and she writhed in pain against the rough concrete. Her hair felt warm, and wet, and she knew it was blood. She heard the men running, and a police officer’s siren.

Sitting up made her feel dizzy, and she felt a sense of vertigo from the discrepancy between her position in the flashbacks and her position in real life. Her vision doubled, and the hyperventilating wasn’t helping her mental state. She imagined she was satting maybe in the low 90s, high 80s. She felt lightheaded, like she may pass out.

She’s laying in the backseat of a police car; A huge step up from the concrete. She heard the sirens even worse now, piercing her eardrums and making her head pound. She felt helpless.

“Dr. Reese?”

She could vaguely see Dr. Charles through her tears.

There was a doctor standing over her.

“Can we use a treatment room? I think she’s having a panic attack. She needs somewhere dark, and quiet if possible.”

“Treatment four, close the curtains and the doors.”

She heard the beeping of monitors, and all alarms went off just before she passed out. She felt ribs crack as the doctor gave her chest compressions.

“She’s going out, too much hyperventilating.”

She woke up in the dark. She blinked, groggy, and her eyes set on Dr. Charles.

“Sarah?” Dr. Charles looked concerned, “You had a panic attack. You were so upset you made yourself pass out.. Do you know what triggered it?”

“Were the shots real or… Or…” Sarah rubbed her eyes, hard enough that she saw colors that she wasn’t even sure existed.

“There was a shot, yes,” He nodded, “But… We thought we evacuated everyone. What were you doing under the table? You seemed like… Like you were having some sort of dissociative episode, flashbacks…?”

“Uh…” Sarah shook her head, with a short sigh, “I don’t… I don’t need you to shrink me. I have generalized anxiety, it’s in my chart.”

“You passed out,” He shrugged, “Standard protocol, you can’t return to work until I sign you off. And I want you to finish your saline, we want to make sure you aren’t dehydrated, that there’s nothing else contributing to passing out. And…” He gave her a tight-lipped smile, with concerned eyes, “It just seemed like a bit more than a normal panic attack.”

Sarah stared at him, quietly, “It was just a panic attack, Dr. Charles. Nothing more.”

“If it was something else, I will leave it off your chart and not tell anyone, I just don’t want you to internalize it.”

Sarah was quiet, and heard another gunshot ring through her head. She shuddered.

“Sarah.”

“Okay, okay,” She threw her hands up, “I…”

She sighed. Dr. Charles raised an eyebrow, and Sarah pulled up her shirt. She pointed to the scar, “I was shot in college, okay? I just… I’m just afraid of guns. That’s all.”

“You were shot?!” Dr. Charles exclaimed, quietly, “When? Why?”

“Look, Dr. Charles, it’s not a big deal,” Sarah murmured, putting her shirt down, “I’m over it.”

“You’re not over it, Sarah.”

“I am,” She argued.

“Sarah, it’s okay, don’t work yourself up, but in order to help you I-”

“I don’t need your help!”

Dr. Charles was quiet.

They both sat silently for a minute. The only sounds were the saline drip, heart monitor, and the oxygen machine that led to the cannula in her nose.

“I was walking home alone at night,” She trembled, “From Chicago pride.”

Stop. You’re doing to lose everything.

“Oh Sarah, I am so sorry,” Dr. Charles gave her a look of pity, which filled Sarah with anger, in addition to the remaining anxiety.

“Wearing a transgender pride shirt.”

Dr. Charles was quiet, “Sometimes allies are mistaken fo-”

“I’m not an ally, Dr. Charles.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They were quiet for a minute, and Sarah started braiding a few strands of hair together.

“I won’t write this down in your chart,” He affirmed, standing up, “Finish your saline, then have someone take your IV out. I’ll… I’ll sign you off to come back to work tomorrow.”

He started to leave, then stopped. He had his hand on the door, but he looked back.

“I care about you, Sarah.”

She nodded, swallowing nervously.

“This doesn’t change that, okay?”

-

-

(A/N) thank you for reading! lmk what you thought~

[kominum]

rewatching old sailor moon and thought of like... disgruntled tuxedo mask!corpse but with unrequited love because i’m a glutton for angst

wc: ~2.2k 

warnings: death of a minor character, implicit knowledge of sailor moon lore, modern twist, unedited

please send in ideas you might have that i could write short blurbs for! this was honestly fun to write. 

It’s a scratch he can’t itch. It’s what has him waking up in cold sweats, confused and moderately annoyed that his hard-earned sleep has been so rudely interrupted. He hates the cape, he hates the itchy suit, he abhors the top hat – and the only things he doesn’t really hate are his baton and endless supply of darkened roses.

The first time he transformed, he was half-asleep and struggling to understand why he was speeding down the highway and parking two blocks away from some random back alley. His pain was relatively dulled, which was surprising, and his body suddenly possessed a world of fighting skills that felt foreign yet familiar. All he could recognize was a slightly disheveled woman cursing and just trying her best against some odd form of demon spawn, and before he knew it, he’d thrown down a dark purple rose and engaged in combat. Once said woman found an opening, she took off her headband/tiara, performed a throw that would put professional frisbee players to shame, and the monster disintegrated into dust.

“Jesus Christ,” he panted, body hunched over and hands on his knees. “What the fuck was that?”

“More like who the fuck are you?”

“Fuck if I know,” he muttered and dusted himself off.  

“What’s with your get-up anyways?” She failed to hide her snickering. “You’re 3 decades behind.”

“Do I look like I want to fight in a suit? Plus, you’re fighting in some rendition of a schoolgirl uniform.” Her black thigh-high boots were killer, but he wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction.

“You should’ve seen what it was before, but I was able to make some changes. Good heads-up for you and—”

“Sailor Moon, are you okay?!”

Oh. So she’s got a talking cat, too. What in fresh hell was going on? Did he take something? But also—“Your name is Sailor Moon?”

“We’re working on the name change,” she grumbled, bending down to let said feline jump up her arm and settle on her shoulder. “Anyways, uh…thanks. I was kind of in a bind, but I’m usually not I swear. Good timing, I guess?”

“If that’s what you wanna call it.” But she was already in the wind, hopping from roof to roof with no inhibitions, and left him completely dumbfounded.

His silly attire dissolved back into his previous clothing as he ambled back towards his car, thought not exactly at his own will. But he shrugged, slid into the car seat, and dialed the only person he could think of who would readily pick up at this ungodly hour of…2:37AM. That was just the start, and he can’t tell if things went downhill from there.

-

He should backtrack.

He met you almost two years ago at a hospital.

You had been waiting anxiously for your boyfriend to come out of surgery after being in a bad car accident, biting your nails, occasionally pacing back and forth, smoothing your hands worriedly against your jeans, and gnawing your bottom lip to death. It was midday, sometime after lunch, and he’d come in for some routine checkup he can’t remember what for now, and sat a few seats away from you in the tiny hospital coffee shop. He’s no therapist or expert, but he highly doubted that any caffeine would alleviate your anxiety. Yet you sat there with two to-go cups and a granola bar wrapper, and something told him to stick around for now.

He’s never been one for a lot of small talk, but you looked to be about his age and no one else was with you. Tragedy tasted most bitter when alone, and some force of the universe told him to at least say something, anything. So he stuffed his hands into his hoodie and shuffled awkwardly to your table, tentatively asking a, “Hey, uh…is everything okay?”

You’d looked up at him with wild eyes on the verge of tears, heart battering against your chest, and the only intelligible thing that left your mouth was a “Huh?”

And he’d casted a gentle grin, eyes laced with a mixture of pity and concern, and asked again his first question. “My boyfriend’s in surgery. He got in a bad accident. There’s um…roughly two hours left, I think.”

“And you thought coffee would make it better?” He jutted his chin towards your large cups.

“Hot chocolate,” you chuckled. “I’m not keen on torturing myself like that, not now at least.”

“Well, I’ve got an appointment soon but I should be done before his surgery’s over…want me to come check up on you?”

Dumbfounded was the best way to describe your expression, and he was so close to retracting his offer before you gave him one of the most thankful smiles he’d seen in many years. “I’d really appreciate that.”

He nodded. “Sounds good then. Give me a sec.”

At the counter, he paid for another cup of hot chocolate and added in a chocolate chip cookie for good measure before bringing it back to you. “I hear chocolate helps.”

“Thank you, again. Go, don’t want to make you late.”

But an hour and a half later in the waiting area outside surgery, the doctor came out with a solemn expression, and you all but collapsed into the plastic chairs, tears leaking like waterfalls from your eyes. Part of him wanted to bail and go because there wasn’t much he could do, but it wouldn’t be right to leave you to drive home now. He wanted to make sure that you were calmed down, all cried out, and breathing properly so you could at least operate a vehicle safely.

The same unknown force had him offering you his number in case you needed anyone to talk to, yet the conversation sat empty for weeks until curiosity and guilt ate at him. He tapped out a message, deleting it, then another one, more deleting, before he settled on a plain, “It’s the guy from the hospital. I know it’s been a while but…how are you?”

Your reply was almost instantaneous, to which he worried if he’d accidentally woken you up at 4:13AM. First, it’s a casual, “hey, thanks for checking up on me! I’m doing okay,” but he knew better. And the other shoe dropped in the form of a simple, “I miss him.”

It’s a quiet, heartwarming friendship. You know nothing specific about him – he’s incredibly vague on any identifying information. Hell, you’d be willing to bet that the name at the hospital was a fake one. Nevertheless, he’s one of your closest friends. You know he mainly works online, has a lot of trouble sleeping, is chronically ill and has a number of medical conditions, his general disposition and feelings on things, but overall, just wonderfully easy to talk to.

Yet something just feels wrong about falling in love with him. It’s a horrid combination of guilt and disbelief. Are you rebounding? Are you subconsciously searching for your dead ex-boyfriend? Are you so desperate for romantic connections that you’ve twisted yourself into believing you love a man that you’ve seen fewer times than the number of fingers you have?

You come to peace with it when his custom ringtone chimes softly on your nightstand in the middle of the night. Rain or shine, stars or none, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him. Nothing has ever woken you up so quickly, not even alarms on interview days. “Hello?”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Kind of, but it’s fine. What’s up? Wait,” you interrupt yourself and listen carefully to your speaker. “Are you…driving?”

“…yeah.”

“Should I ask from or to where?”

“I…honestly don’t know. Something felt off, felt like I had to get out of my place and just fucking do something. So uh, I drove somewhere and just started driving back home.”

You curl up under your sheets on your side and plug your earbuds into the phone. “Well, did it get rid of whatever you were feeling?”

“I think so? Honestly couldn’t fucking tell you. Still really bizarre to me.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” you murmur. “Well, feel free to call me whenever you feel like that again.”

“I don’t wanna fuck up your sleep schedule though. Feel like it’ll happen more often than I’d like.”

“How about this – if I don’t pick up, it’ll just be my nice way of saying ‘fuck off, too busy sleeping right now’?”

A soft, deep chuckle warms your chest and cheeks. “Sounds good. So how’ve you been?”

“Well, you know…”

It’s the same night that you think you might have a chance at love again. You fall asleep with his voice weaving stories and tales in your ears and wake up to a message that says, “Wow, didn’t know I was so fucking boring that it made you snore so loud.” The hope that creeps through your veins is dangerous and thrums urgently whenever you get a call or message from him.

And as bright as a star, it all comes crashing down in a firey blaze.

You crash into a girl as mysterious and serenely beautiful as the moon with a talking black cat one afternoon. She exudes a gorgeous amount of confidence in her stance as she protects you from a creature that looks like it’s out of a horror video game, and you can only stare in awe. The cat from before yells instructions at you, throwing what looks like a pen with a red cap on it and you blindly follow them. Your subsequent red heels feel incredibly comfortable and you can’t remember the last time you wore a skirt – but there’s no time to ponder as you push the girl you were admiring out of harm’s way and somehow manage to direct fire at them from your fingertips.

The monster burns and screams in agony before getting hit with what looks like a glowing frisbee. Your savior wipes the dust off her outfit before extending a hand out to you, “Welcome to the club, Sailor Mars.”

Say what now?

“There’s gotta be a better name than that,” is the first thing you say as you get pulled up. She throws her head back and lets out a charmingly obnoxious laugh. “We’ll work on changing it. I can tell we’re gonna be good friends.”

“Her name ended up being a rip-off of my name,” the cat quips and receives a scowl from the supposed plagiarizer. “I’m Luna, and this is Sailor Moon, or Lunaria she says.”

“You gotta admit, that’s cutting it a little close,” you agree and Lunaria flips the bird. “How the fuck am I going to change Sailor Mars? Also, can I do anything about this outfit?”

“We can go shopping tomorrow for sure. Luna and I can fill you on everything and – oh, before I forget, there’s a guy—”

“So it looks like you don’t need my help?”

You freeze in your steps, startled by the familiar baritone approaching you two. He was involved in all this?

“I told you, I don’t need your help—”

“Is she new?”

“Yeah, which means, we really don’t need your help. She’s got actual fire power. Literal fire.”

“That’s pretty fucking cool,” he accepts. “Good to meet you.”

You spot a set of veiny fingers that appears in your peripheral and you tentatively turn in his direction, hoping that your hair will obstruct your face as much as possible. “Same,” your throat manages to squeak out as his warm hand engulfs yours in a firm handshake.

“Get out of here, Corpse,” Lunaria chides and lets go of you to push a finger to his chest.

“I’m only here because you fucking needed saving. Now you’ve got another person dragged in.”

“I told you, I’m not some fucking damsel in distress,” she hisses. The mirth in his visible eye only causes the infuriation to grow and swirl more vigorously in her gut.

You watch the exchange from the sidelines as Corpse’s teasing only increases and provokes Lunaria further, disheartened that you’ve never heard him laugh so much in one exchange before. Dread from deep within your veins begins to freeze around your heart, something so set and undeniable that causes your brain to realize that falling in love with him was a mistake. It was the kind of mistake that would strike you with pain for years and the intense foreshadowing has you spinning on your heel and bounding through an alleyway. Your outfit shifts back to what you’d been wearing before, the characteristic weight of your phone in your back pocket seeming heavier than ever.

You call him that night, holding in a deep breath when the dial tone breaks midway. A rustle, a breath, and then, “Hey what’s up?”

Oh god, you scream to yourself as your heart shatters at the bottom of your chest. His voice, again, cannot be misconstrued as anyone else’s – the inflection, the tone, the volume, everything belonged to him.

And the universe told you then and there that he, undoubtedly, belonged to her.

[obscure-sentimentalist]

flommy, “I have pillows, blankets, supreme comfort, and all that’s missing is you.”

[So this one’s been nagging at me for probably about a year now? It had been sitting half-started for ages, as I never really knew how to carry out the idea I had, but I did my best in coming back to it now. Bit lighter on the Flommy interactions this time, but in exchange we get Tommy and Thea siblingness and some Tommy thoughts.]

From the Comforting Cuddles starters list

“What do you think about ‘I have pillows, blankets, supreme comfort, and all that’s missing is you’?”

“Do you need me to take you to the ER?” Thea deadpans from her perch on the cushioned window seat in Tommy’s room of the hotel suite without looking up from her phone. “Because it sounds like you got one of those Hallmark cards from the airport gift shop lodged in your throat.”

Tommy slowly lowers his own phone and rolls his head towards his sister, expression settling into one of loving annoyance. “What I’m getting out of that is that I have a future in the greeting card industry.”

“The future you should be more concerned about is the one where I spin-kick you in the head before the emotional trauma of hearing my brother workshopping romantic texts to his girlfriend sets in.”

“Hey, I’m keeping it perfectly PG,” Tommy defends, pointing at Thea with his free hand for emphasis.

That finally gets her to set her phone aside and swivel in her seat to face Tommy, giving him a striking, raised-eyebrow look. “I think the subject matter automatically makes it PG-13.”

“It’s a hotel bed!” Any exasperation behind the words trips right out of the gate, stumbling into nervous laughter.

Thea just continues to stare, swinging her legs back-and-forth unevenly as her feet dangle above the floor.

“That’s… achieved the perfect ratio of softness to firmness for an excellent night’s sleep?” Tommy can feel his ears reddening as they disappear into his shoulders. “Also, those pillows. Heavenly. Remind me to check with management to find out who the supplier is, I’m going to place a personal bulk order once we get back to Starling.”

“Right,” Thea says slowly, legs finally stilling. “So the high-quality comfiness is the thing worth writing home about. No other reason why you’d express missing having a plus-one to enjoy it.”

Had his mouth not dropped open with a scandalized pop instead, Tommy might have swallowed his tongue. “Thea Dearden Queen, you’re going to stop right there before I also ask about the hotel’s highest-strength cleaning supplies and if they can be applied directly to my brain.”

“You asked for critique,” Thea reminds him, but backs off by raising her hands sarcastically in surrender. “Just pointing out insinuations you may or may not have intended. You’re welcome.”

Chagrined by both the acknowledgement that he’d asked for help and his sister’s frankness in delivering said feedback, Tommy turns his attention back to the blinking cursor in the half-filled message box. The wittiness of the greeting has dulled significantly since the lightbulb first flicked on, even without the suggestive commentary. It’s a grim admission that spurs Tommy’s thumb to find the delete key and hold, consuming the carefully-crafted words before his eyes until he’s greeted once again by blank space.

The fact that Thea’s sigh is louder than his own is what pries Tommy away from his seemingly insurmountable task with his eyebrows raised in curiosity.

“You really haven’t done this sort of thing before, have you?” Thea asks, waving a hand vaguely at the room as she sinks back against the window. “The out-of-town business trip.”

Admitting defeat (at least for the moment), Tommy tosses the phone onto the bed and crosses his arms, the corners of his mouth twitching. “I mean, if my business was pleasure...”

“So no, then,” Thea cuts in with a fond eye-roll. Her face goes soft a moment later, though, and she glances back at Tommy with a strange sort of knowingness. “Which means you especially haven’t done it when you’ve been in an actual relationship.”

Tommy offers up an entirely sheepish look. “I think that’s a given.”

Thea makes a little shrug-like expression with her lips, conceding that point. She pulls one foot up to rest on the cushion and hugs her knee to her chest, before giving Tommy another gently pointed stare. “It’s okay, you know.”

“Hmm?” Tommy rocks back on his heels as he lets the questioning hum slip, and rolls his lips under for a façade of innocence. These last few exchanges have been drawing them dangerously close to vulnerable topics—it’s still Tommy’s carefully-wired reflex to either clown about it or just play dumb.

Too bad Thea knows those moves when she sees them, and her narrowed eyes suggest that she’s still considering the earlier threat of a spin-kick in the head.

“It’s okay to miss her,” she says, stripping Tommy’s anxieties bare with a single statement.

For a split second, he thinks he might have preferred stewing in the awkward surrounding the Bed Text for just a bit longer. Incidental innuendoes are familiar territory, even if being called out for them by his younger sister adds a new layer of humiliation.

The notion doesn’t linger, though, but it’s due less to the embarrassment than it is to his brain bouncing from point to point like a pinball machine from hell. The mortification just ricochets back to the almost-slip in question, and—true to pattern as of late—propels his thoughts to a flare of fondness and Felicity. The thing that makes Tommy want to bury his face in one of the pillows that started it all, though, is the fact that the ball rebounds again to the current conversation, seemingly inescapable.

“It’s not weird?” The question comes hesitantly as he uncrosses his arms, immediately bringing one hand to rub the back of his neck. “I mean, it’s only two nights, and one already down—we’re back by tomorrow afternoon, no time at all. I feel like it’s too much, just me being unreasonably clingy.”

Experience seems to back up that impression, after all. Two years, five, more have created gulfs between Tommy and his loved ones, and even then, his longing and loneliness came off as exaggerated and one-sided.

But maybe that’s not entirely fair, he immediately scrambles to note. Oliver was working through his own problems at the time (in questionably-at-best healthy ways), caught up in a different storm of emotion and trauma that instinctively repelled Tommy—familiar magnets flipped to the same pole for the very first time. Perhaps it took more time and effort than either of them could have expected, and still never returned them to where they left off, but they did manage to establish a balance better suited to who they are now.

(Even Tommy’s being in this hotel room—as one of three co-owners of Verdant, joining Thea in exploring options for expanding the club outside of Starling—is evidence enough of that reconciliation and understanding.)

As for his father’s absence and return…

Well, any expression of emotion comes off as an overreaction when compared to Malcolm, and should not be counted.

Almost as if she senses Tommy’s once-solid evidence crumbling to dust, Thea pushes off the window seat, landing gracefully on her feet. “You’re overthinking this, especially with the texts. Just call her, all right? We don’t need to head out for at least another hour, so there’s plenty of time.”

Still lagging a little bit from trying to detangle his anxieties, Tommy nods absently in agreement as his eyes follow Thea’s movements towards the door. When she crosses the threshold to head back into the suite’s living area, though, his brain finally catches up. “Hey! How is it that you’re the one giving me relationship advice?”

Thea grips the doorframe and leans her full body back into the room, one eyebrow arched as she tilts her head to look at him.

“I mean, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? You know, older brother’s prerogative and all?” Tommy defends weakly, wilting under the sharp stare.

“Seeing as I ended up with emotionally-constipated brothers on both sides, I think that privilege has been revoked,” Thea declares, smoothly propelling herself back upright and reaching for the doorknob. She pulls it behind her as she finally departs, but not before shooting Tommy a cheeky, “I’ll give you some privacy to relay the magical properties of a hotel bed.”

Tommy imagines his immediate response is the sound an ostrich would make if strangled. “Okay, look…”

The door closes firmly before he can get any more words out, but not fast enough that he doesn’t catch Thea’s laughter.

“Brat,” Tommy mutters affectionately under his breath, before teetering backwards to flop down on said bed. The impact bounces his phone an inch or two above the comforter, only to land face-down right next to his hip.

Tommy’s breath catches in his chest as his attention is drawn again to the device, a mere hand-twitch within reach. Hardly any effort at all to pick up, and selecting Felicity’s name from his recent call log to re-dial is no more complex a step. But his hand seems to be declining all calls from his brain, remaining unmoving at his side without even an itch in the fingertips.

He’s overreacting—he has to be, and for real this time. It’s been barely a day since his standard morning protest of Felicity’s alarm (involving an exaggerated yawn and an arm stretched across her stomach to secure her in place for just a bit longer) was met with a laugh and a set of ice-cold toes pressed to his shins in retaliation. Barely a day since Tommy lumbered past the bathroom door on his way to the kitchen and couldn’t (wouldn’t) fight the grin that bloomed upon overhearing Felicity’s murmur-singing of some earworm while getting ready. Barely a day since she’d swept into the kitchen, all color and curls, to accept the travel mug of coffee from Tommy’s hands in exchange for a soft, lingering kiss and wishes for a safe flight.

A one-day break from routine—one that’s still a few months fresh, at that—and certain comfort shouldn’t be this jarring, should it?

After all, it’s not like they’ve been completely out of contact for the last 24 hours. Tommy had passed along travel updates (and a couple pictures taken mid-flight of Thea, tuned out with her neck pillow, eye mask, and earbuds); in turn, Felicity had relayed the shift between her day and night jobs, and confirmed her safe return home following the latter. There may temporarily be a few hundred miles of physical distance between them, but Felicity is still firmly here in Tommy’s life.

And yet, he can’t help but linger on the memory of waking this morning: rolling onto his stomach and reaching across the bed, only for his arm to land flat atop a mattress completely devoid of another body’s warmth. How the confusion and pinprick of hurt struck faster than the recognition that said bed wasn’t his own and why, and the clarity only served to transform it into a yearning ache. Even brushing his teeth was a more solemn affair, with Tommy still half-listening for Felicity puttering around and starting her day.

Maybe Thea… has a point.

Before Tommy can tend to the gentle bruise to his ego from admitting his younger sister has relationship wisdom where he does not, his phone buzzes with an incoming call. Synapses finally firing as they should, his hand wraps around the device and lifts it to his face to glance at the screen.

His fingers nearly fumble and drop the phone directly onto his face when he sees Felicity’s contact photo (one he’d surreptitiously taken shortly after they’d moved in together, when he’d caught her pleasantly lost in thought at the kitchen table) and the banner requesting a video call.

Thankfully, Tommy manages to spare himself that painful landing by adjusting his grip and scooting back into a seated position against the headboard. He takes and releases a deep breath to compose himself, before his thumb finds the Accept button.

Within an instant of Felicity coming into focus, Tommy feels his lips tug into a broad smile to compliment her still-sleepy one.

“Morning,” she greets with a little finger-wiggling wave, before she pulls a steaming mug of coffee into view with her other hand. After a second, she curls her fingers into her palm and wrinkles her nose in thought. “Wow, that was weird.”

“What, saying ‘good morning’?” Tommy asks, raising an eyebrow teasingly.

Felicity mirrors the expression and throws in a shrug. “I rarely get to open with it, at least. It’s usually beat out by someone requesting that I ‘please keep hands and feet and body inside the bed at all times’.”

“Always best to take those safety messages seriously, you know,” Tommy notes sagely. He can feel the corners of his mouth twitching, threatening an even bigger smile, but the impulse immediately extinguishes once he sees Felicity worrying her lower lip between her teeth and averting her gaze in uncertainty.

“I missed it today,” she blurts, catching them both off-guard after a (seemingly agonizingly long) beat. A light flush comes to her cheeks at that, but she confidently lifts her eyes back to meet Tommy’s and amends, “I missed you. Waking up with only a tangle of blankets trying to keep me in bed, and then getting ready on my own… I mean, it’s not unusual or unfamiliar, I did get by for many years this way. But I guess going back now, after getting into new and shared habits, is stranger than I expected.”

Felicity takes a breath to duck her head a little and push a stray curl behind her ear with her free hand, before picking up steam. “It must be something about the distance that’s getting to me—for no real reason, because it’s only been the one day and you’re back tomorrow—but I wanted to call and say…”

“I have pillows, blankets, supreme comfort, and all that’s missing is you.”

Only once Felicity pauses, lips frozen in a little “O” and only a single surprised blink to prove that the connection isn’t buffering, does Tommy realize he’s landed himself right back where he started. This time, though, he’s backed by Felicity’s own testimony, and that changes the game.

The lights on the pinball machine of his thoughts are going wild, that’s for sure.

“What I mean by that,” he starts, punctuating mid-sentence by awkwardly clearing his throat, “is that I miss you too. That I was actually looking forward to cold feet on my legs this morning, and hoping to hear you singing in the bathroom, and…”

Tommy trails off, disguising a small wince. Thea’s going to be smug about this for the rest of the weekend, and almost certainly for a while after they return to Starling.

“And I think that, if we’re both feeling this way, maybe we’re not overreacting so much as we’re… on to something.”

It’s difficult to determine what that “something” is, beyond the sense that it feels right. That they—Felicity and Tommy, together—feel right, and even a temporary deviation from pattern (no matter how small or odd) is a shock to the system.

It’s okay to miss her.

Felicity remains silent on the other end—the stunned expression having melted off her face and into something more thoughtful, but much less readable. Even though their conversation up to this point made their alignment apparently clear and she’s likely just turning the implications over in her mind, Tommy can’t help but subtly squirm from the suspense.

“Yeah,” Felicity finally speaks up, lips spreading in a small, soft smile as she nods in agreement. “Maybe we are.”

Despite that being the very answer Tommy was hoping to hear, he has no immediate idea how to respond.

“Oh. Uh, good,” he fumbles. “Because I’m hoping you’ll feel the same way about these pillows if I manage to find out where they’re from and get my hands on a few.”

Something in Tommy’s chest swoops as Felicity cracks out a startled yet amused laugh. “You’re really stuck on those, huh?”

Tommy meets that with a casual shrug and pats the one next to him for emphasis. “I’m a connoisseur. These meet all the necessary criteria, and then some.”

“And I’m a tough sell,” Felicity retorts, settling back in her seat and bringing her mug to her lips. “I know what I like, and I’m seeing only one pillow here that I want for sure by the end of the weekend.” To drive the point home, she bobs her head sharply to give Tommy a once-over.

“Well, now that I will gladly arrange,” Tommy agrees, and lets the grin spread unrestrained across his face.

[jonahlovescoffee]

Night Changes | J.M.

a/n this fanfic is inspired by one direction’s hit song with the same title. u can also listen to jonah’s cover of the same song here.This is the first complete fanfic I’ve ever written in my entire pathetic life and it has been rotting away in my files app for a while now lol u can see how insecure i was (and am) to put this out here but here it is anyways :’) any constructive criticism is appreciated <3 happy reading!!

summary: the death of his friend’s girlfriend made Jonah realize that nothing in life is permanent, including you.

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 2136

“We're only getting older, baby; And I've been thinking about it lately; Does it ever drive you crazy; Just how fast the night changes?”

It was yet another ordinary weekend night where Jonah and his band were gathered in the little studio of Daniel’s home, busy composing new music for their upcoming album without a care in the world when Corbyn’s phone rang all of a sudden.

Corbyn’s eyebrows raised in surprise when he saw the caller ID on the screen before sliding the answer button to the right and excusing himself from the small room to take the call. No one thought much about it and proceeded with their songwriting process. However, when half an hour passed with Corbyn’s absence, that was when Jonah’s gut feeling told him that something wasn’t right. He brushed that thought off as quick as it entered his mind, trying his best to ignore the fact that he caught a glimpse of the caller ID and it was his girlfriend’s mother calling him, which was undeniably weird. As his roommate and best friend, Jonah could confirm that she had never called Corbyn unless there was an emergency. Heck, the last time she called him was when her car broke down somewhere in downtown LA and Corbyn was the only one she knew who lived close enough to pick her up.

His suspicion was soon proven right when Corbyn barged into the room seconds later with tears running down his cheeks nonstop like a river. Daniel, who was seated the closest to the door jumped up in shock just as Corbyn fell into his arms and started sobbing. The other boys made their ways to them as Daniel patted Corbyn’s back in attempt to calm him down.

“What’s wrong?” Zach asked curiously and Jack elbowed him on the arm. “Ow, what was that for?” Zach exclaimed, earning a glare from the other male that clearly said, “Can’t you wait until he stops crying to pry for answers?”

“She killed herself,” Corbyn managed to say between sobs.

“Who?” Daniel asked softly.

“My girlfriend,” the 4 boys’ breaths hitched in utter shock. None of them were expecting this news in forever. Madeline was the most cheerful and optimistic girl Jonah had ever met. She brought sunlight and joy into every room she entered. Were those traits of hers merely a mask to hide all the despair and anxiety underneath? It didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

“My sweetheart killed herself,” Corbyn repeated, mostly to himself with a hint of disbelief in his tone. It was evident that he was still having a hard time letting the fact sink in. “We just went out for dinner last night and now she’s gone. Forever. She didn’t even say goodbye. What should I do? How can I live without her?”

“She should’ve said something. I could’ve done so much to help her instead of letting her die just like that. I saw the scars on her hand last night but I assumed it was nothing serious. It’s my fault. I could’ve stepped in and save her but I didn’t. Why? Why?!” Corbyn screamed and tugged at his hair frustratedly.

Silence ensued, the only sound being Corbyn’s uncontrollable sobs. No one said anything because they knew that no words were powerful enough to comfort him for the time being. The most they could do was be there for him.

#

Jonah pulled up in your driveway in the middle of the night. He left his house right away after ensuring that Corbyn was sound asleep in his room in fear of his best friend trying anything stupid under the influence of tremendous grief. He knew that you were probably asleep at this hour and he should’ve waited until the morning to pay you a visit but he couldn’t wait any longer. Madeline’s death had made him realise that nothing in life lasts forever and he wanted—no, needed—to be by your side tonight to make up for the past few days of neglecting you because of work.

After some debating in his head whether to wake you up from your deep slumber like an ignorant boyfriend or just turn around and go home, he turned off the engine and rushed out of his car and onto your doorstep before he could change his mind. He used the same key you gave him months ago to unlock the front door and was then greeted by a silent pitch black, empty living room. He locked the door with a soft click behind him before tiptoeing up the stairs and entering your room. He made sure to keep his movements as silent as possible as he knew better than anyone that you were a terribly light sleeper and could be awoken easily by the softest sounds. He took off his shoes and joined you on the king-sized bed, wrapping his arms around your sleeping figure gently to pull you closer to him. He contentedly nuzzled your hair, inhaling the sweet scent of your shampoo that smelled like cherry blossoms and spring air. It was only then he felt truly at ease, with you perfectly safe and sound in his arms.

As he half expected, you stirred from your sleep, wiggling your body slightly before turning towards him, your arms habitually made their way around his neck even in your half-awake state. You couldnt help but smile when you felt him tightening his arms around you like he was holding onto you for dear life. “Hey, love,” you mumbled groggily, staring up at him with droopy eyelids in your pyjamas that had bunny patterns all over them that you were more than embarrassed to be seen in by anyone but you could care less since Jonah had been your boyfriend long enough to know about your preference for childish pyjamas over mature flimsy nightgowns. “What brings you here?”

“Just wanna see you,” he replied with a smile. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear and took a moment to drink in your beauty—the crinkle by your eyes when you smile, you supple lips and the freckles on your cheeks that were illuminated by the soft moonlight that shone through the windows—all ordinary features of yours that you had never been particularly fond of but were all made perfect in his eyes. He was lucky to have the chance of calling you his, but Madeline’s unexpected death that night made him wonder how long this could last? Without realising, he let his mind drift further into the sea of uncertainties of the future, getting more anxious by the second, especially when he was met with the thought of ever losing you one day.

“Jo, are you okay?” You asked worriedly when you noticed his tense expression. He offered you a meek smile in return. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” he replied, but his furrowed brows claimed otherwise.

“You’re not fooling anyone with that face, dear. What’s wrong?” You watched him stay silent for a while as if he was trying to come up with a suitable answer to your question.

”I just...can I stay over tonight with you?” He asked and you let out a hum in agreement, your hands rubbing soothing patterns down his back. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t managed to get rid of the old habit of asking for your permission to spend the night at your place although he knew that you would agree without hesitation every single time he did so. You wanted nothing more than to find out what was going on in his head at that moment but he didn’t look like he was in the mood to talk, so you pushed your questions aside for later.

Both of you stayed like that for who knew how long, unmoving, limbs tangled with each other’s as the cool night breeze wafted into the room through the opened windows. “Madeline died,” he said out of the blue, breaking the silence. Shock was an understatement to what you felt. You couldn’t believe your ears. You weren’t exactly best friends with Madeline but still close enough to hang out together occasionally when both of you were free from your hectic schedules, mainly because Jonah and her used to have a thing for each other back in high school before she got with Corbyn so there had always been a tinge of awkwardness between you two. Yet this news hit you hard all the same.

Tears welled up in your eyes before you knew it. “When?”

“Few hours ago,” Jonah answered, his hand stroking your hair with the utmost gentleness, which prompted your tears to resume falling. He let you cry it all out without a single complaint about your tears staining his shirt. “She took her own life.”

“Why?” You sniffled and he shook his head. “No one knows; I guess even the most optimistic person on earth has her invisible demons too,” he said with a sigh.

“Is that the reason why you came here tonight?” You wiped your tears away with the long sleeves of your shirt as you took several deep breaths to recompose yourself, bracing yourself for his answer. Old feelings die hard, that was what you always hear people said, especially your first love. Part of you were scared that Jonah still harboured feelings for her even after all this years and you were nothing but an emotional support rebound tonight.

“Yes and no. I came here after hearing about the news, yes, but I’m not here to mourn about her, for now,” he added the last two words hastily in case you get the wrong idea and thought that he was being rude. You were ashamed for feeling extremely relieved that his answer wasn’t what you expected. “I came here to make up for the past few days of absence and make sure that you’re alright. Have you ever, you know, done that?”

It took you few seconds to get what he meant. “Of course not, Jo. I promise you, I never tried self-harm before, and I never will,” you replied truthfully.

“Thank god,” he sighed with relief and planted a tender kiss on your forehead, “I don’t know what I’d do if you said yes.”

“You know that you’ll be the first one I talk to if I have anything bothering me, right?” You took his hand in yours while staring at him expectantly for an answer but none came. “Jonah, please don’t tell me that you seriously think that I’m someone who resorts to harming myself when the going gets tough?”

“I...I don’t know,” he admitted sheepishly which earned a sigh from you, a small smile tugging at your lips. You still couldn’t believe how this man in front of you—a confident rising boyband star—could get so worked up over a plain girl like you. He swallowed thickly before continuing, “Today made me question everything I know like how long this relationship can last—how long we’ll get to stay us until the world decides to tear us apart. We always said we’ll be together until the end of times but so did Corbyn and Madeline and look at them now. Madeline just....left without a word to anyone. I know it’s stupid but I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and now I’m being such a sap and you probably are disgusted —”

“Jonah, stop. You’re over-thinking everything. I’m not disgusted at you, not even one bit,” you raised a hand to his cheek and traced a thumb over it tenderly, knowing that this simple gesture never failed to soothe his raging emotions. “It’s normal to feel this way, love. But whenever you do, please remember this: there’s nothing to be afraid of because I love you so much, Jonah Marais Roth Frantzich, that I can never ever think of hurting myself because I know that that’ll hurt you; I love you so much that I started crying a little less, smiling a little more because I know that no matter how hard my day is, I’ll always have you to come home to.”

You watched as a tear escaped from him. “I don’t know what the future holds but I can promise you this,” you locked your eyes with his, your gaze filled with the utmost love and adoration in contrast with his worried one. “No matter how fast the night changes, it’ll never change me and you.”

“You promise?” His lips curled upwards into a small smile as he leaned in, leaving only an inch between your lips, your breaths mingling with each other’s. As always, butterflies erupted in your stomach at the close proximity as you mirrored his expression with a sweet smile of your own.

“Forever and always,” you breathed and he closed the distance between your lips, sealing the promise.

[alphasmoonlit-selfships]

For F/o asks? 🌹🌵🍇 +  Jason? Love your works!

Hello mystery anon! 🥺 much appreciation to you for sending on my dearest gentle storm! ✨ he deserves all the love and appreciation and I am here to give it all to him! ⛈⚡️🐺

Let’s jumps into it shall we! A Note: I’ll go ahead and write for our Legendary Wolf Warriors selves this time around!! 😊

🌹 - Does your f/o believe in “love at first sight?” Do you?

I don’t think Jason immediately understands the “human-like” idea at first. However, that is the first thing he does experience when he first meets Danielle! ✨

He had lost control of his ability to fly for a split second, emitting sparks from his person out of fear as he fell so the others around him weren’t able to get close enough to him without getting hurt as well. Especially since he has no control on the amount of electricity he is emitting.

Danielle, who hadn’t met Jason yet at the time of his arrival, came swooping in to save him, but didn’t expect his power upon doing so, getting shocked a bit in the process. But she was quick to rebound and managed to spread her wings to soften the rough landing.

Poor Jason felt so bad and also received a bit of scolding from her before they had locked eyes with each other. You could say a spark and a shine of familiarity came through them. Almost as if their souls recalled the other and for a second felt the synchronization of their hearts… all while still having their hands interlocked together.

Their breathes and realization to everything around them came rushing back when the others came upon them with worry. The both of them letting go as Danielle stood to compose herself. Jason still in a daze of confusion and interest by the appearance of this fellow LWW. Kind of snapping out of it when Yamato slightly elbowed him to return to the living. Feeling massive embarrassment and apologizing to her, even more so when revealed that she is the LWW of the Night and Future Alpha of the Forest of Dreams 🤭

“Please no need to apologize to me, I was saving you from possibly receiving a blunt fall to the ground.” Danielle calmed him with a kind smile, “Believe me, I’m sure the lot of us know what that is like.” She says with a slight snicker, followed by a few laughs and slight winces and weak grins from the others.

“You must be the new Wolf Warrior I’ve heard much about, Jason?” The brunette says with a tilt of her head as she reach out a hand to help him up, “A pleasure to finally meet you!”

Poor Jason was combusting a little as he hesitated to take her hand a moment before doing so. Realizing how petite she was compared to him (then again so were many of the other Forest wolves), but besides that, she carried a kind and sweet nature to her despite the high regard of her status as a Warrior and future Alpha. Nevertheless, he had no idea on the concept of “love are first sight” but he has definitely grown to fall in love with the gradual learning of Danielle 💖 falling for her entirely each moment he got to know her personally and through others 😊

🌵 - How long does it take for your f/o to warm up to new people?

My dearest Jason is not a social butterfly at the start ;;w;; especially when he arrived to the Forest of Dreams. He is socially awkward and doesn’t understand the “human-like” customs of the Forest. Even more so because of his Legendary Wolf Warrior status, he’s had no previous training as a warrior and incidentally shocks others that make him nervous or come off to growly and hostile.

He sticks close to the familiar, thankful enough for the presence of the other wolf warriors, who show him the genuine kindness and the much more present side of the Forest of Dreams. He is a silent tol boi a majority of the time, usually listening and observing so he can replicate the actions and social cues from others.

He does this most obviously in the “human-world” as he is not familiar with “human-born” customs, only with a few who live in the Forest of Dreams. His anxiety is definitely on the high end whenever amongst humans and prefers to hold his tongue and stay quiet when meeting new people. The only familiar human he breaks his silence with is the human representative of the LWW, Rickie, a genuine kind man who has looked over all the warriors like his own kids for years. Despite Jason’s late appearance, he is warming and welcoming to the new pack mate.

Overall, it takes Jason a long while to really warm up to others, sticking with familiar people he’s grown to know and is rather awkward with newer ones. Sometimes, he’ll bring himself to spark a conversation and is more than happy when it lands fine! Especially when it’s genuine.

Younger animals, he often helps train, are simple to speak to as they are the ones usually rambling and speaking to him. Reminding him of simpler times with his half brother and sister…he wonders to the Great Wolf Above if they are still out there in the world.

🍇Does your f/o naturally give themself “me time,” or do they need reminders from time to time?

Jason definitely needs to be reminded of “me time” a lot, he is not one to give himself breaks or really relax as he is often bombarded by intrusive thoughts. He constantly puts himself down and guilt trips himself that he has to live up to others expectations or he is nothing more than a wolf chosen by mistake. Also the badgering voice of his former alpha/father figure is always in his head, or appearing as a disfigured phantom in the distance that terrifies him.

Which only makes him overwork himself; be it helping the other animals around the Forest, devoting himself to catching and gathering food, helping train other future hunters or trackers, and devoting himself to better his divine storm soul. Often leading to hurting himself by incident, though he deems that better than it possibly hurting a vulnerable life in the field…

Thankfully, he has Danielle and the others to calm him down and allow him to realize that they are animals/humans than they are gods. They need to rest, as much as anyone else does (do they all do it frequently? No…but together they help one another more than anything. It’s what a pack does!). Most especially Danielle, considering she is the Alpha of the Forest of Dreams, she has a lot more on her plate than protecting the world; her Forest comes first. She needs her breaks, times to socialize, and time to rest because of the two devoted duties she has.

Very often Danielle and Jason help each other when they have a time to breathe and be together 🤍 especially when it comes with getting a wink of sleep and receiving affection from the other. Very often when they aren’t together through the day, they send messages through their Howler Tech, making sure the other is taking small breaks in between, “Have you taken a moment to give yourself a break? Have you drank some water? Taken a snack of something? However we take a fly together to stretch our wings a bit?” Etc.

Gradually, Jason does learn to give himself breaks, especially when around his close knit pack. Taking meditation advice from Takaru and Lidia, letting himself take his share of duties while also making sure others do theirs by Yamato and Sora, and learning to embrace the beauty of teamwork and releasing as much of his power in a healthy way that doesn’t build up all at once by Sam. Growing immensely with time, tol sparky wolf does naturally give himself rest under the nice warm sun fields. 🌻☀️

Thank you so much for the ask my anon friend! 🥺💖💖 honestly, I’m like cooing over the doodles I managed to draw quickly! 🥺 my dearest Jay looks so peaceful and good! As he deserves! 🥰💖 I rarely talk about my stories much as before, but hopefully I can take the time to split it between BSD and LWW! I just love both mi Tigre and Gentle Storm so much UwU

[im-whatchamccallit]

You Confess While Drunk//ATEEZ

(A/N: I’ve been binge watching anything and everything NCT related for the past few days. Someone save me 😭 Also, this is super unedited because it’s so L O N G and I’m exhausted lol)

Hongjoong

Hongjoong didn’t stop you from taking another swig from the bottle of vodka you had saved from your birthday party over a month ago, he also didn’t stop you from lying your head in his lap as you sobbed loudly on your sofa. Why? Because once he stopped you, what could he possibly do?

Your boyfriend of a year cheated on you and you made the hard decision of breaking up with him, leaving you in a position you’ve been desperately avoiding for so long. You hated being lonely, you dreaded it, being left with the harsh thoughts that you were unwanted, unlovable and, based on the relationships you’ve had in the past 3 years, those thoughts were growing true.

But Hongjoong knew you and your thoughts were wrong. You were in the wrong for crying over someone that didn’t deserve you, and your thoughts were just years of anxiety that built up and finally found a way to consume you. His heart broke every time he found himself in this position: stroking your hair as you drunkenly questioned him on why you couldn’t find the perfect guy. He hated it. But you were slowly starting to hate him more.

But not really. You were only growing more desperate for him.

You used your free hand to hold yourself up and glared at him through your tears, your eyes puffy and red as you sniffled, setting the half empty bottle onto the ground.

“This is all your fault!” Hongjoong stared at you with wide eyes, prepared to retaliate but you continued on your tirade.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long! And you just ignore me, and treat me like I’m just your best friend, when we both know we’re more than that!” A choked sob escaped your lips as you rested your forehead against his shoulder, knowing you were too emotional and drunk to be doing this, but you couldn’t stop it.

“You say you hate seeing me like this, but you never take the hints that I give you and I…. I just want you to love me the way I love you.”

This situation was unusual for Hongjoong, usually having at least something to say to ease your dejection. But he was silent. The real reason behind your disdain started and continued because of him, more tears spilling from you than usual as you both took in the fact that you were finally honest with your emotions, with Hongjoong, and yourself.

He didn’t say anything as he wrapped his arms around you, taking in the moment and your words, his heart aching with each beat as he tried to figure out how you haven’t noticed him being by your side all these years, aiding you through each break up and rebound as if it were nothing. Giving you overall care and companionship was his own silent confession. You both so oblivious to each other’s advances, yet so obvious about your love for one another.

Seonghwa Seonghwa was not holding back his anger as he held you by the arm, practically dragging your drunken form from the restaurant as you squirmed in his grasp, your free arm swinging at him in an attempt to release yourself.

“Get OFF, you fucking nerd.” You groaned, eyes glancing to the sweater vest he wore and chuckling to yourself. He really did dress like a dad sometimes.

He ignored you as he made his way to his car, placing you in front of the hood to balance yourself so that he no longer had to hold you. His gaze was fierce, piercing into your soul as he tried to determine where he should start in explaining how you ruined this night.

You were the one who invited all of your mutual friend’s out to dinner, saying you missed the get-togethers you had, only to order five cocktails and swear at your former roommate and high school friend, Miyeon. Seonghwa didn’t know what had gotten into you, barking out insults and telling her to keep her hands away from him, his only option to drag you out before it escalated into something violent. And what seemed like a happy reunion turned into an utter disaster, and he was pissed.

“Can you explain to me what the hell you were doing back there?” He asked, trying to sound calm but his heavy breathing and burning stare were a dead giveaway to his rage.

You ignored it though, matching his fury with your own as you leaned against his vehicle, glaring at him as if you were intimidating, but really looked even more drunk than you truly were.

“Don’t get mad at me! She knows what she did wrong! She should be the one getting yelled at!”

“She’s not the one that got drunk and tried to attack you!”

“But she’s the one that kept touching you knowing I called dibs!”

He stared at you as if you were an absolute idiot, or psychopath at that, his hands raking through his hair as he tried to make sense of your behavior.

“’Dibs’? What are you, five?”

“I told her in high school that I wanted you, and she even asked me when I texted her the other day if I still had a thing for you and I said yes! Then she sits there and touches you, and you’re laughing with her like she’s the best thing in the world! Well, why don’t you do that with me?”

Your rambling swirled in his head, his brain picking it apart before a simple conclusion was made: you were jealous. And as much as Seonghwa wanted to remain upset with you, he found the situation suddenly amusing, holding back a smirk as he approached you.

“So you got jealous of her and decided it’d be smart to act out in public?” You only rolled your eyes to look away from him, gasping at the feeling of his thumb and forefinger grasping your chin, turning your head to face him, his eyes swimming with amusement.

“I could laugh with you like that, especially knowing we feel the same about each other, but you’re gonna have to learn to behave.” The words alone made you gulp, a breath you didn’t realize you were holding escaping your lips as he finally released you, stepping back with a wide smile.

“Let’s go apologize and tell her I’m taken.”

Yunho

The boys looked up from ‘Harry Potter’ playing on their television as the front door opened, eyes falling out Yunho carrying you bridal style through the living room. You didn’t look alive, but the way your face scrunched in annoyance of being moved around was enough proof you weren’t dead, but that still didn’t explain why the giant brought you back to the dorm of all places.

“They drank too much at their office party and asked me to pick them up. And they wouldn’t stop whining when I said I was taking them home so I just brought them here for the night.” His explanation was wordy, Seonghwa sighing in exasperation as he rubbed his temples before looking to the younger male.

“You were drinking too, weren’t you?”

“N-no! I swear!” Yunho said in a panic, not enjoying the way their eyes bore into him.

They had planned to have a movie night, finally having some time to relax now that their tour was over, and as much as they adored you, you were ruining this night for them.

“I’m just going to put them in my bed and I’ll come back. I promise.” Yunho rushed out, San calling out a loud ‘hurry up’ as the older boy eased further into the dorm.

He easily found his bedroom, trying to make as little noise and movements as possible to keep you asleep, but you weren’t asleep. You felt your body press onto cold sheets before a thick blanket covered your body, your hand reaching for the one that was attempting to tuck you in.

“Please stay with me.” You murmured, Yunho conflicted as to what to do.

He didn’t want to leave you, but he already kept his promise to the boys, his body growing hot as the gears turned in his head for who he had to be there for. But as soon as your hooded eyes opened, staring into his with a cute and desperate gaze, the boys were an afterthought. Yunho hastily got beneath the blankets, your body moving further into his warmth as your arms wrapped around his torso, slowly but surely preparing yourself for sleep.

“Why did you want me to stay with you so badly?” The vibrations from his chest made you stir but your eyes remained closed, honestly and absentmindedly responding to him.

“I always want you with me, being in love makes you that way. But, even if it’s not romantic, that’s fine. I just need you by my side.”

A strange flutter emerged from his chest, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip to hide his smile. Your words were so simple yet made his body shiver with excitement, knowing that you wanted him in the same way he wanted you, or at least from what he interpreted from this moment.

His lips gently pressed to your forehead, your head tilting back as you tried to find his lips with yours, both of you so close until the bedroom door slammed open, San rushing in and standing above you both with a stern look.

“I told you to hurry.” He said while grabbing the tall boy’s arm, yanking him from beneath his blanket to drag him to the living room.

Yunho was about to protest that you needed him to stay with you, but you were sound asleep, Yunho no longer having an excuse for the night.

Yeosang

“I’m so sorry for the trouble that was caused tonight.” Yeosang apologized to each of your parents once more, bowing profusely whilst still holding you in his arms, an arm slung around your waist as your own draped over his neck, your eyes shut as you wanted to do nothing more than sleep.

Your parents invited you both to dinner, mainly because they missed Yeosang, but also enjoyed the fact you both were still close friends, prompting them to also invite Yeosang’s parents in order to reminisce. And despite you and Yeosang being so close, friends is all they assumed you’d ever be, causing them to question when you’ll find someone of your own, not realizing that that someone was your childhood best friend. One day, at least. You tried to ignore their comments by drowning yourself in various glasses of white wine, especially when they began to bring up the possibility of Yeosang dating other people, losing track of how many cups you had until you were nearly blackout drunk.

And here you were, slurring your speech as you made a slightly incoherent rant while dangling loosely from the poor boy’s arms, a quick goodbye leaving him as he “carried” you to his car. Once settled into his seat, he immediately started heading towards your apartment, listening to you groan at his side with your eyes still clamped shut.

“They want me to find someone so badly but they haven’t even considered that Yeosang might be good for me.” You grumbled, the first intelligible thing you’ve said in the past hour.

A smirk came onto his face hearing you speak about him as if he wasn’t the one driving you home, playing along and pretending he was some inner thought of yours.

“Really? What do you like about Yeosang?”

“He’s so pretty! And smart! And he does this really cute laugh whenever I try to talk to him about music but mess up the terms. He’s always been so nice to me too, even though I was a weirdo in middle school, but he didn’t mind. He always loved me for who I was.” You spoke with a soft smile, eyes still shut as your head pressed to the window, and a gentle smile on Yeosang’s own face before you started speaking again.

“But my parents are right. Yeosang is so great that he’ll find someone, and they’ll be a million times better than me and a million percent made for him and I can’t do anything about it.”

The mood grew melancholy, Yeosang ignoring your words to mentally argue with you, knowing you probably were drifting in and out of consciousness at this point and wouldn’t process a word he said, his face growing hot with frustration. You knew how much he loved you, but were too blind to see that he was in love with you. It was ironic, and a very (Y/n) thing to do, one of the things he loved about you. Another smile gracing his features as he peered over to you, watching you lazily shift in your seat to get comfortable. He couldn’t think of anyone in his life that would be a million percent perfect for him than you.

San

Although San was an idol, he never passed up your invitations to parties on your college campus, wearing clothes that were comfortable and helped him keep a low profile. But, being with you, there was no such thing as a low profile. Your clothes were flashy and personality loud and bubbly, everyone perking up at your presence once you arrived to the large fraternity house.

San spent the night dancing and drinking, mingling with a few people who were probably too out of it to remember who he was, which was good enough for him. You, on the other hand, went from showing off your bartending skills in the kitchen to pounding back shots with your “customers”, growing louder and giggly as you sloppily poured more. One of San’s biggest concerns was that you were a people pleaser, incapable of saying no and shyly agreeing to go along with whatever scheme they had in order to not have anyone hate you. It was a dangerous flaw you had in your normal life, and he was almost scared to think about what would happen now that you were extremely drunk.

He stepped away from the girl rambling about her boyfriend ditching her that night, heading towards the kitchen to see you lying on a counter, a collection of guys and a few girls finding the other ingredients they needed for body shots. If San knew you properly, he knew you weren’t comfortable at all. It was as if in an instant, you were being lifted and set on your unstable feet, listening to the outraged protest of the group that were prepping you as San guided you towards the more populated area of the house, making sure they didn’t follow you before pulling you close, his mouth by your ear as he swayed you both to the loud and upbeat music.

“Don’t go off with random people like that.” He muttered, finally moving away to see your face.

You could barely keep your eyes open but still managed to look at him in utter adoration, a lazy smile settling on your face.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, just stay by my side for the rest of the night, okay?” You nodded and continued to move your body with his, absentmindedly tangling your fingers together while keeping your eyes trained on him, his body shifting uncomfortably at your gaze before looking back at you.

Maybe you were misinterpreting the situation, but he was like some knight in your eyes. Rescuing you from a situation where you don’t remembering saying yes and couldn’t bring yourself to say no. He was always like this, protecting you and holding you close when he felt as if you were in danger. You probably were just projecting your own feelings but maybe, just maybe…

“I love you, San” You both froze at your words, his eyes wide as he began to process what you said.

“I- nevermind. Forget I said anything.” You muttered, averting your gaze as you mentally slapped yourself.

Your confession was so childish yet effective, San mentally battling with himself over if his next move would be wise or not. You were clearly drunk, but his body thought it was the right thing to do, his brain not having time to decipher what was going on before he pressed his lips to yours, hungrily but gently moving them in unison as he held your body close to his, the relief of waiting years to do this washing over both of you as you drowned in the kiss. Much to your dismay, he pulled away, a small but audible ‘I love you too’ leaving his lips in case his actions weren’t loud enough.

Mingi

Mingi sat timidly on his bed hiding away from you, knowing you were still in the living room consuming your sixth beer. Or was it seven now? He couldn’t keep up at this point, but Mingi knew how you were when you were drunk. You were playful yet so rough, hitting him with the strength of a body builder despite your lighthearted behavior. But for some reason, you were rougher with him than others. He had a bruise forming on his shoulder where you punched him earlier after telling a joke.

So, he hid away, not wanting to face another punch or slap on the arm from someone who couldn’t control their own strength but, as he heard the bedroom door open with a whiny ‘Mingi’, he couldn’t help but cower away.

“Why did you leave me?” Your face appeared from the door, a bright blush on your cheeks as you pouted at him.

He sat upright to appear as if he wasn’t intimidated by you, despite the fact you waddled towards him cutely, plopping at his side and resting your head on his shoulder.

“I just needed some space.” He admitted, watching as you looked up at him with doe-like eyes.

“Did I do something wrong? Ooh! Did you wanna play hide and seek? You always loved hide and seek!” He flinched as your pitifulness returned to its original aggression, your fist making contact with his already aching arm before finally putting a stop to it.

You were a bit out of it as you watched him grab both your fist in his hands, turning to face you with a serious, but almost pleading, look.

“I know you’re not doing it on purpose, but your hits hurt. A-and I notice you’re rougher with me when you’re drunk, and I just want you to stop.” He confessed, your eyes dull from your intoxication but he could still make out the glimmer of sadness in them as you looked away.

“I just don’t know how to express my emotions properly.” Although Mingi’s wish for you to be gentle came true, it was almost scary not seeing your usual drunken grin.

“Just use your words.” He explained, waiting patiently as you slowly looked up to him, uncurling your fist until your palms rested in his.

“I like you. And, whenever I’m near you, I feel like an elementary student with their crush. Because when girls play with boys like that, it means they like them, right?” You could feel your face burning at the comparison, realizing you were ridiculous for your actions.

It was a strange sensation flowing through Mingi. It wasn’t embarrassment but he couldn’t bring himself to look at you, nor was it fear as his mind raced with endless possibilities to reciprocate your feelings. He was at a loss for words though, unsure of what he should say or do to get rid of the sudden panic in your eyes as you realized what you’d done.

As you went to pull away, Mingi gently pulled your arms until you fell into him, your head colliding with his chest as he held you, letting out a content sigh. It wasn’t the first way he planned on accepting your feelings, but it was the most appropriate for the moment.

Wooyoung

“Fucking fuck fuckity fuck,” You groaned as you slowly pushed yourself up from the mattress, your eyes squinting at the sun pouring in and all you wanted to do was die.

You shouldn’t have drank so much last night. Speaking of last night, you barely remembered what happened at all, or how you got home.

“Oh, great! You’re up!” You winced at Wooyoung’s booming voice, reaching out to slap him as you buried your head beneath your duvet.

“Why are you here?”

“I brought you home, silly.” He teased, grabbing the blanket from your grasp so you could see his grinning face.

“And based on that question, I’m guessing you don’t remember last night at all. Which is why I started recording you after your eight shot.”

Wooyoung grabbed his phone, sliding through various videos before finding the one he’s been replaying since 1AM. He hurriedly positioned himself under the blanket with you, pulling you into his side while pressing play, but the still alone, you leaning forward while standing on stage at the familiar karaoke bar, seemingly screaming into the mic, made your eyes go wide with the realization of what happened that night.

“I wanna do a song!” You slurred into the microphone, the KQ staff cheering you on as you tried to find a song to play, choosing the first one you recognized before straightening your body, the upbeat trot instrumental causing everyone to dance around.

“I just want you to know, this is dedicated to Jung Wooyoung!”

“Jung Wooyoung!” Everyone cheered back, no one seeming to care that they lyrics on the screen went by without you singing along.

“Why Wooyoung?” The man himself instigated from behind the camera, an amused smirk on his face while watching you stumble slightly, moving closer just in case he had to catch you.

He knew how you felt about him, just waiting for the day you finally said it out loud but, if this was as close as he’d get to a confession, he had to make sure you remembered it somehow, and what better way would that be than video documentation?

“Jung Wooyoung is sweet! And nice! And the only man I’ve ever loved! He takes care of me like no other! So, Jung Wooyoung,” You raised your free hand before bringing it down to point at nothing in particular.

“I love you!”

“I love you too!” He called back just before you began singing, laughing hysterically as it was a different song from the one chosen.

Your head was buried in the blanket, face hot with embarrassment as Wooyoung continued to rewind it to you professing your love for him, taunting you in your hungover state.

“This was a great way to start our relationship.”

You could hear the smile in his voice and, although you finally got the relationship you wanted, and finally knew he felt the same as you, you knew no amount of begging would make him delete that video.

Jongho

Idols lived their lives under a microscope, society watching their every move to see their flaws and praise their perfections, even some of their perfections being criticized. It was a fear for most to slip up and do something reckless while in public. But you? You lived recklessly.

You had finally got your first music show win and invited all of the backup dancers and staff from KQ to join you for a celebration at a nearby bar, a few of the Ateez boys joining, more specifically Jongho. You were only recently of drinking age but he was with you the night of your birthday a month ago, watching you down ten shots easily before they hit you at once, his hands holding your hair back as you puked into a nearby trashcan. He wasn’t much of a drinker himself, so tonight he was playing the role of your guardian angel.

But you proved to be more of a challenge than he thought. You were dancing on tables while playfully beginning a strip tease, Jongho grabbing you and taking you from the intoxicated crowd. You were running off to talk to strangers, Jongho apologizing prolifically to the bar patrons. You were a walking tornado in his eyes. Yet for some reason, he loved you as is, even now as you laid in the booth with your face pressed to the table, signaling it was time for you both to go.

Everything from then was a blur, your eyes opening to see you were lying in bed, out of your original clothing and in your usual pajamas, a faint light from beside you causing to squint as it made the dizziness you felt worse. A silhouette appeared before turning the light off, slowly approaching you as you laid back in the bed, exhausted and disoriented.

“Hey. You alright?” Jongho’s familiar voice made you look up to him with a grin, something cotton-like and  wet touching your cheek.

“I’m just trying to get your makeup off so you can sleep.” He commented, paying close attention to make sure he didn’t miss a spot.

Once he finally wiped over your lips, you smirked playfully at him.

“Did you undress me too?” A faint pink dusted his face, glad he didn’t turn on the lights in your bedroom or else you’d see how flustered he was.

“Y-yeah. I thought you’d be more comfortable in that.”

“Did you like what you saw?” The way he froze made you laugh out loud, tossing your head back before placing a hand on the crown of his head.

“I’m kidding, but thank you. You’re always so sweet to me.” You commented, shutting your eyes and he began to scrub away your eyes shadow.

“What else are friends for?” He muttered, your lips pursing into a thin line.

“Friends keep you from doing dumb things when you drink. But boyfriends help you take off your makeup after a long day.” When he finally removed the makeup covered towelette from your eyes, you stared him down with no hesitation. You were just as bold drunk as you were sober.

Jongho swallowed hard as he struggled to find a response.

“W-what do you mean?”

“I mean, I want you to be my boyfriend.” You said plainly, your eyes trying hard to focus and meet his wide ones, your stomach turning with butterflies.

He was always so cute to you. Sure, he was mature and manly, but the way he squirmed under your bold statements, even simple compliments, made your heart beat faster, a brief moment of joy filling you as you daydreamed of the days you could be that open with him, shying away because of how cheesy you are rather than being the friend that unexpectedly hits on him. You dreamt of that day for years. But now was the only time you could think to act.

Jongho didn’t know what to say, clearing his throat as he stood, eyes hard while gaining the courage to respond.

“You should probably confess when you’re completely sober.”

“You’re right. I’m not sober at all, Jongho. Just a really competent drunk.” Your tone was sarcastic.

For a split second, he almost believed you were just tipsy, aware of everything you were doing and saying. But as he went to the bathroom to dispose of the wetwipe, he returned to you completely out cold, snoring like a bear in hibernation, his feelings swirling into confusion as he no longer knew what to believe.

[krsnbgirl]

Fly High! || Kageyama x Fem!Reader || Part 3

Summary: The volleyball club is very keen on making you join and you find yourself slowly giving in, despite having doubts about yourself. You also find yourself naturally gravitating towards Kageyama without realizing it after one of their practices. Kageyama also finds himself questioning the effects you have on him.

Pairing: Kageyama Tobio x Fem!Reader

Genre: Rom-Com, Slice of Life, Sports

Word Count: ~2.9k

Warnings: Slight swearing, smoking (for Ukai), Signs of Anxiety from Reader, Timeline heavily based on the anime

Author’s Note: And here is part three of the series! I hope you guys enjoy it! Thank you to anyone that has interacted with the first part :) Taglist is still open if any of you would like to be a part of it! Also crossed posted on AO3! xoxo, Ren  ❤

Taglist: @misnmatchedsox​ @monviemoo

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Masterlist

The final bell of the day rang and you groaned as the paper bag sitting next to your desk was calling out your name. It was the middle of the week which meant that you had the apartment all to yourself until your mom returned late from work. You had planned to go to Ukai’s shop to pig out on snacks to take home and eat while playing video games. But it looked like your plans changed as you looked over towards the burgundy uniform that stared back at you. With a sigh, you pushed herself up from your desk and went to start on cleaning up the classroom. You let your mind wander to earlier that day when you were walking around the school during the last break of the day and had bumped into the third years who were conveniently looking for you.

“(Y/N)-chan!” Asahi greeted as the three of them walked up to you. You stepped back and skeptically looked at them.

“Now, now (Y/N)-chan, you don’t need to be looking at us like that.” Sugawara laughed and you scoffed.

“Says the one that also tried to tie me down with the idea of being manager instead of helping me.” You pouted.

Sugawara held up his hands in defense and said, “We all know you can do it (Y/N)-chan.”

“Which is why we’re doing this!” Daichi exclaimed before he ran towards you and threw you over his shoulders.

“Suga you traitor! I can’t believe you were acting as decoy for this! Daichi, put me down!” You whined as you hit his back and kicked your legs in your attempt to try to escape.

In response to your antics, Daichi tightened the grip he had around your waist and fastened his pace.

“Nah, I don’t want to. Besides, we need to complete our mission.” he chuckled.

“What mission?! You guys are crazy, don’t think you can get away with this!” You huffed and continued to pound on Daichi’s back.  

Asahi and Sugawara only laughed at your reaction and Sugawara threw his blazer over your waist. The three third years ignored your pleas and the weird stares coming from students that walked past them.

“There, there (Y/N)-chan. If you only agreed to being manager in the first place you wouldn’t be in this position.” Asahi playfully said.

“We all saw that serve and if anything, this could be helpful for you.” Daichi continued.

“Shimizu-san was the one that asked us to help her find you because she needed to give you something. But we also know you well enough that you’d try to escape if we told you why we needed to talk to you. Or y’know…” Sugawara shrugged before finishing his thought, “corner you and convince you to come with us.”  

You sighed and crossed your arms, glaring at the floor. “Fine, you have a point. But can you please just let me walk?! Do you think I can actually outrun the three of you giants?!”

The boys laughed as Daichi finally set you down in the hallway for third year classes. “True, but we thought this would be more fun.”

Daichi ruffled your hair and you couldn’t help but groan, facepalming and accepting the fact that they’ll never stop messing up your hair. “You guys always just have to go for the hair, huh?”

Pressing your hands together, you looked up and playfully prayed out loud. “Oh kami-sama, what did I do in my previous life to deserve this type of treatment from three giants?”  

“You’re just so fun to tease sometimes, (Y/N)-chan.” Sugawara chuckled as Asahi waved down Shimizu.

She walked up to your group with the brown bag in hand and passed it to you.

“Inside is the practice uniform for us. I know you’re still thinking about it and hopefully these boys have been doing their best to convince you. But we all saw that you were finally opening up on giving volleyball a second chance once you picked up the ball.”

“Once it’s in your body and you get a feel of that court, it’s never going to leave you (Y/N)-chan. Trust me when I say, I know how you feel about being adamant on leaving the court after something happened. It’s all about keeping your perspective open.” Asahi said.

“Sure you had something knock you down, but always remember, it’s better to come back stronger than let yourself drown in what ifs.” Sugawara reminded her.

“Of course, everyone has their own time when it comes to healing. But I know I can see that your time is nearing, (Y/N)-chan. And when that time comes, we’ll be there to support you. The first step is to slowly get back into it, even if it means just doing it on the sidelines.” Daichi said as he gave your shoulders a reassuring squeeze.

“And if anything, Nishinoya-kun is the one person that’s been looking forward to your return onto the court.” Shimizu said.

Taking the bag into your hands, you gave them a small but thankful smile. You wouldn’t admit it to them, but you had missed volleyball. After trying so hard to walk away from the sport, all the emotions you felt after stepping into the gym came at you like a wildfire. After your incident, you distanced yourself from it because of how much your injury affected you. Now one year later, what ifs had begun to enter your mind, especially once Nishinoya began to talk about how Karasuno was picking up their game once more. You couldn’t help but feel jealous of him. He was still able to do the one thing he loved while you were stuck at square one. But now knowing that he’s been wanting you to get back into it, talking about the boys and their games was just a way for him to lure you back into your love for the sport.

The third years could see the look in your eyes change after Shimizu mentioned Nishinoya and smiled at each other. You were like their little sister and all they wanted was the best for you and they knew that it was volleyball. You were one of the most passionate players they’ve seen and they would do anything to see you at your happiest.They weren’t sure if you would ever be able to return back to the court, but being involved as a manager could  be the starting point for you. They just knew that volleyball was destined to always be a part of your life no matter what.

“I hate you guys…” you murmured as you looked away, hugging the bag to your chest.

“We love you too, (Y/N)-chan.” Sugawara smiled and Asahi bent down to rest his arm on your head.

“So does that mean you’ll be our manager then?”

You clicked your tongue and elbowed Asahi before walking away. “I’ll think about it, Goatee Guy.”

“Goatee Guy?!”

You laughed as you finished up your clearing duties, a warm feeling spreading through your chest as you realized how much the third years looked after you. After putting the broom away, you picked up the bag and stared at the uniform that sat inside. With a million thoughts running through your mind, you bit your lip in contemplation as your eyes moved towards the clock in the classroom. Their practice was just about to start and so with another look at the bag, you gathered your things to make your way over to the gym. ‘Screw it, let’s see how this goes’ You thought to yourself.

---

‘Am I really going to do this?’ You thought to yourself as you slowly walked towards the gym after changing into the uniform.

Peeping through the door, you saw that the boys were already inside of the gym warming up. You were about to sneak in, until Hinata ran up to you with his quiz in his hands.

“(L/N)-san! Some parts you taught me were on there, and I got a third of them right!” he happily exclaimed.

Quickly forgetting about what you were  worrying about, you began to jump with Hinata in joy because he managed to pass the quiz with your help. The boys were surprised to see you in the uniform, but nonetheless happy that you were seriously considering becoming one of their managers. Shimizu approached you while Daichi called for their drills to begin and decided to give you the rundown.

“I’m sure you already know by now, but you don’t have to be nervous. Just make sure to be careful of stray shots.”

You gave Shimizu a questioning gaze, as if daring to see just how bad the stray shots can be, and she laughed. “You’ll just have to see for yourself, (Y/N)-chan..”

“Ugh Kiyoko-san that’s no fair…” You playfully whined before following her around to help on whatever needed to be done.

Soon enough, Coach Ukai and Shimizu were throwing balls at the boys during their practice match. As you watched while doing the small tasks that were given to you, you slowly began to understand what Nishinoya was always telling you about the boys. There was the hunger for revenge that drove them to train harder and you could see it in all of their eyes. You couldn’t help but laugh whenever you saw Nishinoya and Tanaka get riled up whenever something great happened. It reminded you of the times when they would just as riled up for you during your matches after Nishinoya began high school.

For a second you took your eyes off of them to check the time and out of the corner of your eye, you saw a stray ball coming your way. Before you could think, your body reacted on its own by squaring off your body and bending down. ‘Wait it’s too high.’ You crossed your arms just in time for the ball to rebound off of your forearms. The boys apologized but were also surprised at your fast reflexes.You casually waved it away and didn’t notice that a certain someone had his eyes on you. Kageyama saw it all happen since he was part of the trio that managed to block Asahi’s spike that headed towards your direction. He couldn’t hide his curiosity and surprise to see someone so aware of their surroundings. It made him wonder what it was like to play against you on the court. Kageyama kept staring at you and it wasn’t until Tsukishima nudged him in the stomach for his attention to return back to the court.

“Oi, Kageyama, we all know that (Y/N) iis cute but who knew that she’d catch the King’s attention. Don’t let her become your weakness if you guys do become a thing. We can’t let your reputation on the court get ruined.” Tsukishima teased.

“Shut up!” Kageyama hissed as his teammates snickered since it was hard to find things to tease Kageyama with.

After making sure that you were fine, Shimizu began to tell you how Karasuno’s offense is among the best in the prefecture. You hummed in response as the conversation continued while dodging or hitting away any stray shots. You snickered as you looked behind Shimizu to see Nishinoya and Tanaka fanboying over the fact that your senpai was talking more than usual. Your best friend met your gaze and gave you an encouraging nod as if to say ‘You’re doing the right thing. As well as “I told you so.”’’ Playfully rolling your eyes at him, you nodded at him to focus back on practicing just as Coach Ukai yelled at them to stop goofing off. You looked back at Shimizu as she observed the team and told you that Karasuno is going to make it to nationals once more.

You were lost in thought for most of the time while Shimizu took on most of the work. You knew that everyone wanted what’s best for you but you didn’t know if being a manager was going to work out for you. Would you be able to keep up? Were you even worthy enough to be their manager? You’ve been out of the game for a year, maybe even longer. Why are they having so much faith in you? With thoughts like these swirling your mind, practice was over before you knew it and Takeda-sensei was giving their announcements.

“...Ouginishi High School requested a match tomorrow and I accepted. They saw us at the Inter High prelims and insisted.” Takeda-sensei said.

The boys cheered and their energy rose up once more as they excitedly talked about their match. You watched them interact with each other and couldn’t help but feel jealous. Your longing for the sport continued to grow the more you interacted with the boys and you didn’t know how to feel. After your injury, you vowed to never return to the sport and yet there you were: back inside a gym filled with other people who loved volleyball just as much as you did. A swirl of emotions began to get the best of you and you quietly excused yourself to take a breather outside while the team cleaned up the gym for the night.

Your mind was torn as you quickly changed back into your school uniform and made your way back to the gym. Shimizu had asked if you wanted to walk home together on her way out, but you quickly declined because you needed to sort out your own thoughts. As you began to make your way towards the gate, you paused in your steps as you heard Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei talk to each other. Your eyes widened as you listened in on their conversation. You felt bad when Takeda shared with Coach Ukai that he  couldn’t get the bus they needed for the team to go to Tokyo. Pursing your lips, your mind flashed to the boys’ excited expressions for their away games. It was important to have a bus and maybe, just maybe you could figure out a way to help them just this once.

“(L/N)-san, are you gonna be our manager?” Hinata asked as he ran up to you.

You jumped and turned around to find him staring at you excitedly. Taking a step back, you tried to figure out what to say to the poor guy since you still didn't have a solid answer.

“You’re going to, right?”

“Oi, Hinata, what are you doing to our (Y/N)-chan?” Tanaka and Nishinoya asked as they approached you.

“You better not pressure her into saying yes. But I’m pretty sure my (Y/N)-chan will say yes anyways.” Nishinoya said as he stared Hinata down.

“If she says no then we have to deal with it, alright kid? But I mean, both of us still hope that you’ll join. We’re just giving you space. Plus when you’re around, Kiyoko-san talks a lot.” Tanaka added.

You  laughed as Daichi knocked both of their heads and Sugawara apologized for their behavior. You waved their behavior away and retorted, “It’s fine, I have to deal with their stupidity on the weekends anyways.”

“Hey!” Tanaka and Nishinoya exclaimed and tried to go after you. Trying to find an escape route, you noticed Asahi and Kageyama approaching and smiled widely. Quickly running behind Kageyama, you held onto the back of his jacket. Peeping behind his tall stature, you stuck your tongue out at them as Asahi stepped in to catch the two idiots. Kageyama could only stand still as he felt your presence while everything went down. The feeling of your hands scrunching up his practice shirt and the weight of your body leaning against his while you looked out from behind caused him to freeze up. He was surprised that you ran up to him and used him as a cover instead of Asahi, who was someone that you were much closer with. What confused him was that it made him happy knowing that you chose him but he simply didn’t know how to react to all of this.

“Let’s all just get along now children.” Asahi sighed as he dragged Tanaka and Nishinoya away from you and Kageyama.

Everyone’s attention was then diverted to Hinata who took out his phone to show the text he had gotten from, Kenma, his friend from Nekoma. You sighed in relief before realizing you were still hanging onto Kageyama. You felt how stiff he was and sheepishly let go before standing in front of him. Rubbing your neck, you awkwardly smiled and looked up at him.

“Sorry Kageyama-kun, I didn’t realize I was still hanging on to you.”

“O-Oh...it’s nothing really. Those two can be a handful sometimes.” he murmured as he felt his cheeks warm.

You softly laughed and smiled back at him. “Right? Well thanks for letting me use you as my shield, Kageyama-kun. Let’s catch up to them.”

Kageyama froze once more when he saw the bright smile you gave him. He snapped back to reality when you began to walk towards the rest of the boys. Clutching his chest in hopes to relieve the pounding behind his ribcage, Kageyama began to slowly understand what was happening to him. He glanced at you once more, who was talking to Tsukishima about your upcoming assignments, as he slowly made his way towards the rest of the team. Kageyama didn’t know how to react to the effect that you were slowly having on him and it was going to be the death of him if it continued to grow.

‘Kami-sama, please help me. I don’t know what to do if this continues to happen whenever I’m around her.’

[werelesbian]

Lesbian has been a word that has been negatively used since I was a child. When I was a little kid I was told “You can’t be gay or marry outside of your own race” by my father. I must’ve bottled that up for years. I’ve always looked at girls since I was a kid. I remember one of my earliest memories being from when I was about 7 and thinking a lady with a green shirt was really pretty. I also always remember staring at boobs and butts, A LOT. I always had an interest in girls, I just didn’t realize it.

When sexuality became to become known, one of my friends came out as bisexual and I flipped out. Being gay was always seen as bad to my family and thus I had to follow it. When “I Kissed a Girl”, “She Keeps Me Warm” and “Same Love” were on the radio, I became very anxious and changed the pronouns to prove I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be gay right? Even though I have looked at girls before and I remember staring at my friend’s brother’s ceiling with a picture of a woman in a bikini.and being mesmerized by it.

As I got older, the concept of being gay became normalized to me. I came out as pansexual because that’s what I thought I was at the time. I maybe had one “crush” on a boy, but more numerous ones on girls. My friend, a camp counselor, and my mom’s friend’s daughter.

High school finally rolled around and I went through my first stage of questioning. I cycled through labels until I came to bisexual. That’s what I believed to be best. Then the crushes on girls flooded in. The first crush I recognized I had on a girl was my friend’s ex girlfriend. I wanted her! But when my friend asked her out I was crushed. “Oh well I thought, I’ll have to live with it”. I tried to third wheel in their relationship, probably due to lingering feelings. Then I developed a crush on another girl, a good friend of mine. I asked her out to TOLO, but she said no and I cried. Straight girls cry when they get rejected by girls right? I almost asked a guy friend of mine as a rebound but then decided against it.

Later on since both of my friends were dating, I decided that I should to. I chose a guy who I thought was ‘cute’ and we went out a few times. He even asked me to homecoming the next year where he kissed me. I felt nothing by it and very awkward. Him and I went out again a few more times but I didn’t really feel much for him. I liked the kissing somewhat but that was about it. I think I was more excited by feeling rebellious. My friends pushed the label of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ onto us, but it was awkward. But I still went along with it.

At the beginning of sophmore year, I had to attend eating disorder treatment and I was drawn to another girl there. She was so cool and I wanted to be close to her and spend time with her. Too bad nothing ever came of it. That same year however, I also developed a crush on another girl in my French class. When she walked in, it was like time slowed down, I was SO attracted to her. We even sat next to each other in class and boy, did she make me nervous. I felt things that were different than even being with that guy I was with. Even seeing her years later, my eyes still were drawn to her like a damn magnet. She was gorgeous.

In junior year, my friends began to have sex and lose their virginities. I felt left behind and wanted to fit in. There was always a craving for it, especially since I always felt ‘different’ and left out, even since I was a kid. I was bullied too and with a sweet blend of my low self esteem and depression, I followed trends. This was just another one of them. I made a ‘pact’ with myself that year to get a boyfriend for the sole purpose to lose my virginity and I did. I also developed a weird obsession with two guys that year. I dressed up and daydreamed scenarios in my head of them liking me. I wanted them to want me, but I’m not sure if I wanted them. But I also did end up achieving my goal that year. I got the boyfriend and lost my virginity. I did what I had to do. Even though it was awkward and I felt numb after it. It resulted in me having 2 months of extreme anxiety due to a fear of being pregnant.

In the relationship, I didn’t feel much, or not at all for the guy. I leaned on him for support due to my dysfunctional family. It was an escape. I eventually broke it off with him and got over the relationship within a week. This started a cycle of waiting for the next boyfriend to come around. The next one eventually did. He was nice and cared for me. He pursued me first and I went with it. I’m glad I didn’t have to have sex with him. It was the easiest relationship I was in because we were more like friends and less like lovers. Then we broke up and I got over him within a week. Rinse and repeat.

The last boyfriend I dated for nine months and I believed at one point I loved him. He cared for me and had a nice family I could escape to, when mine was falling apart at the seams. I craved the ‘nuclear family’ unit since I never had in the start. I felt accepted and safe there when I didn’t want to go home to mine. His companionship was nice and all, but I know deep down I didn’t care for him the way he cared for me. He loved me, but I didn’t love him. He wanted to escalate the relationship to the next level and an alarm bell went off in my head. It was a major “NO” to be but I tried to ignore it and said “maybe” to him. I often went along for the ride and never followed what I wanted. We eventually broke up after we were drifting apart. I began to crave sex less and began to hate doing anything with his penis. I tried my best to avoid having penetration and was relieved when we didn’t have to do it. I was so scared of getting pregnant, but deep down it may have been my body telling me that it wasn’t right. I was also relieved when I didn’t have to see him as much. I wanted to be away from him and felt relief when I broke up with him. It took me about a week to get over him.

The cycle almost began again when another guy pursued me but I wasn’t into it. He wanted to go out with me again and I panicked. I didn’t want to see him. All this time when I was dating boys, my sexuality was really repressed but it surfaced in cracks. I’d often create characters who were LGBT+ and the ones I was most obsessed with were often bisexual or lesbian. Most characters I created were never straight, but I turned them so because of my own internalized homophobia. I dealt with it a lot for two years and even showed discontentment with others who were openly queer. I think it was because I myself deep down knew I was like them but was afraid to be ‘different’ due to backlash. I had crafted and dressed myself in a way to be palatable to the opposite sex. I had this deep craving to ‘fit in’, so much so that I neglected my own sexuality and in a way a part of myself.

This year, I met another girl who I fell for. I began to crush hard on her and fell head over heels for her. She made me feel good about myself for once in my life. She was beautiful, kind, smart and had a wicked sense of humor. She was like a dream to me. She was my catalyst. I wanted to kiss her and hold her close. We fell asleep on the phone with each other every night and spend hours talking to each other. It was like two peas in a pod we clicked so well. I also craved her touch, her body, her skin against mine, what her lips felt like. I took notice of the little things in her from the curve of her jaw to the color of her eyes. I wrote her letters and picked flowers that I wanted her to see. I wanted to talk to her all the time.

Although our relationship was short, I will forever thank her for lighting the fire again of my sexuality. When I began talking to her, I began to take notice of girls so much more. My gaze averted from that I had learned to that of what I wanted. Pretty girls made me so nervous and I felt like my damn 14 year old self again. It was like being a kid in a candy store, I was so damn happy! I even bought pride merchandise for the first time in forever. I was okay with being gay. However, I should have never brought it up with any of my family. They said that they’d like me to end up with a boy, asked if I have talked to any boys yet, said I haven’t found the right guy, I’m just x sexuality, etc.

Now I’m scared once again and want to go back into the closet. I’m keeping this close to me. It’s my dirty little secret I guess. Questioning doesn’t help either. I doubt myself all the time and ‘test’ myself to see if I am attracted to men. I feel as if I have to ‘double-check’ to see if I am truly gay. It’s the damn doubt all over again. I also punish myself if I look at girls in a sexual way. Girls in the past thought I had touched them and I felt like a dirty pervert, hell my friend even thinks so. It’s hard for me to allow myself to like women again. I don’t want to be seen as a predator or trying to use them as an experiment. I just want a girl to love and give my all to. I want to be the best damn person I can be for my future girlfriend/wife and I’ll be damned if I can’t do that.

All of this questioning process is so confusing. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? Maybe I’m just a straight girl in denial doing this because I’m lonely. Fuck who knows. I just know that after being with a woman, I sure as hell don’t want to go back. My attraction to men has regressed. Maybe I’m in a bi-cycle, or maybe it’s my lesbian awakening. Only time will tell. Most queer women I have talked to agree that I am a lesbian. When I call myself gay or lesbian. It makes me feel good, but I feel as if I have to resort to bisexual just in case “Mr. Right” comes along. But he probably never will. In fact, he probably never existed.

I’ve had elaborate fantasies about romance but I never saw a clear face of who the “man” was supposed to be. When I fantasize about sex, I was never there unless it was with another woman, never a man. Another woman always took that place and I’d view it from third person, like watching porn. Women light a fire in me that men do not. I’ve gotten turned on by their bodies and touch in a way that I haven’t with guys. Hell if I know why, but I do. Maybe I really am just gay and that’s okay. Maybe I am a lesbian after all. The word isn’t so “dirty” anymore.

Reading back over this reflection from how I feel about my sexuality back in august, it still really rings true to how I feel. I know I experienced attraction to men in the past, but now I feel more attracted to women more than anything. I hate how my brain tries to make me think that this will all be temporary and I will go back to a straight lifestyle eventually, but deep down I know this is what I want. Not going to lie, I don’t like talking about sexuality with anyone irl other than some of my own friends who also experienced the same thing. I tend to keep things under lock and key because I don’t want people to know about my bisexuality. I can’t change who I am yet I continue to try and disprove that I am attracted to women and try to prove that I am more attracted to men despite not really feeling that way anymore. My sexuality isn’t “fluid”, but my preferences have changed. I just wanna be with a woman possibly in the long run and if I never experience any attraction to a man again, nothing is lost for me. I tend not really to go out of my way to interact with men other than friendships just because it’s not something that I necessarily care for. I just gravitate towards spending time with other women and idk why. I know that’s not indicative of my sexuality or anything. Nothing is indicative of it other than who’ve I’ve been attracted to which is women and men. I hate being bisexual too if I’m going to be honest. There’s no basis for my attraction and experiences vary so wildly that I can’t always relate to anyone but go off what I feel.

Maybe some of the way I act is performative because I wanna escape the idea of being with a man. Maybe if I find the “perfect man”, I can learn to be with him and spend my life with him indefinitely. But that relationship with a man just seems so...unsatisfying. I just can’t do it. With women though, I think I can be with one in the long run. I have my own fears of actually not liking it or that I’m gonna react in a similar way to when I was with men in that something felt off all the time, but I’m unsure if that will happen. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fall in love with a woman or want to spend my life with one. This all sounds very contradictory I know but this is me getting out my own thoughts. I honestly don’t think I want to be with men again. Does this make me a febfem? Maybe, but I also know that a woman just sounds right to me.