#and i just wanted to scream into the void with this by my side
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Me when I have to bear witness to N!Trevor's 17-year-long mewing streak jawline once again:
But really why does he look like that. is he okay
Jesus fucking Christ my guy that jawline could do better damage then your morningstar
(original tumblr post here btw. didn't reblog it becauase i only wanted that first paragraph. idk man)
#tw netflixvania#cw netflixvania#netflixvania tw#anti netflixvania#netflix trevor belmont slander#netflixvania slander#this is stupid#but i have genuine concerns#maybe i should draw him mewing#this was kind of based on how my ex friend told me how netflixvania treffy looks like he's mewing#and i just wanted to scream into the void with this by my side#and honestly i think i've noticed a pattern with the dudes jawlines in netflixvania#alucard is horsefaced as hell#isaac's cheekbones are sharp as hell 😭#hector's face is like the only one that looks normal#but idk#i feel like the way they shade faces in that show look really weird#like how they shade it on the sides and stuff yknow?#it makes it look uncanny#idk what else to say
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cute bad ass
#vee queued to fill the void#taking a moment away from the kuukou deep dive brainrot to do some kuukou simping instead lol#as always lol arb beat me to drawing kuukou feeding animals myself#but if kuukou feeds the elderly and has candy in his pockets for children (highkey for himself too lol)#you can bet your ass he’d feed the strays that visit his temple or share his sardines with froggies on the side of the road 😭😭😭😭#crying over that sudden scratch card where a new cat comes to visit his temple and kuukou can tell it was a new visitor 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#he doesn’t name them but i think it would be very funny if kuukou decided to name the cats visiting his temple after buddhist gods lol#orange tabby: *meows at kuukou for a snack*#kuukou: yooooo jogaishou bosatsu!!!!!!!!!! what’s up it’s been forever want some of my shitty dad’s tofu??????? :D#😌😌😌😌 and then on the flip side it’s page that haunts my every waking moment LOL#kuukou is so fcking COOL lol even when he loses you get the sense he never lost lol#i’m tempted to just start screaming for five straight tags but to quell that urge lmao#i’m going to make this about ichikuu lmao remember how ichiro in ohayo ikebukuro said he likes strong people who never lose lol????#they ended that bat vs mtr battle with the comment from jakurai i think that this battle didn’t feel like it was their victory#which means kuukou hasn’t truly lost so that makes him even more of ichiro’s type—
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@bugsodas pepperoni!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#my art#hiii dude for the longest time ive wanted to make art of your characters but yknow making fanart on scratch is like screaming into the void#nobody is gonna remember it and it isnt gonna last!!#also woaw first art of 2024#i cant figure out if theyre a dog or a bunny or like a mouse#also the pizzas on the right side are just filler they arent looking at it btw#listen to polygonet/polynet commanders btw it makes you feel silly
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Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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i partake in Literally Any Hobby Or Craft and my mother's immediate response is "you should find a way to monetise this"
#what if i don't want to jillian !!!!! what if i just want to enjoy things !!!!!!#like please i get that capitalism is at the root of everything in this godforsaken hellscape of a life but maybe i would like to ignore that#''i made a deeply personal and specific birthday card for my beloved close friend :)'' ''can you sell these'' LEAVE ME ALONE#what is it with mothers and wanting Everything to be a side hustle . i do not dream of labour#(btw my mother's name isn't jillian i'm not doxxing a 60 yr old woman)#jay screams into the void
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Man-
There are random people online and ones I’m mutuals with or random people I interact with more than others in discord servers and stuff who I want to like, befriend properly
But the way I interact with people doesn’t allow for me to really spend time with them enough to build a true friendship, especially because one-on-one messaging stresses me out and annoys me 99% of the time (unless I’m the one to initiate, which rarely happens)
I love talking in groups, puts less pressure on me, but it also allows me to just not pay proper attention to individuals as much as I’d like?
Idk, I just wanted to ramble a little here as a lil note that if we’ve ever interacted and it was positive, I really appreciate you and would most likely love to get to know you personally cus I just really like knowing people, but my brain is stinky and rude so I prolly won’t ever take a proper first step to approach you about it but you ARE in fact my friend in my heart.
#rambles#I think I’m too self-centered and that that’s why the only people I can call close friends -#- are all in a server where I have my own space to just scream into the void about whatever I’m up to#and then sometimes through the day they peek in to talk to me#and also share their own stuff in other spaces for me to glance at when I have spoons for it#I just wish I was easier to truly befriend#I’m so social and I love knowing people but I hate LEARNING about them#I hate the parts where I have to always act a way befitting my own standards#show whatever side of me I want to flaunt for each conversation#not just my good side - it changes with my mood (rapidly)#I’m too particular about how my interactions with others go#I know I deserve friendships and I know I’m a great person to be around - but it’s really hard to actively interact with me -#- in a way that I can enjoy properly#my memory only works when I’m not in a mood to talk or if I’m too anxious about trying to start something I can’t keep up with#blegh#not really a vent but also a lil bit-?#idk man#I just really like being friends with people when I can but my brain gets in the way#I’m extremely self-centered which is a big root of this problem too#most prolly wouldn’t think so from how likely I am to actively step in to help people and be nice to others#but I live for and focus on myself and how I’m percieved 90% of the time
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the rage just kinda never fully goes away, huh.
#im so tired.#but i needed to at least scream into the void first.#just really fucking sucks that a woman can entrap me. isolate me. coerce me into overeating (thus making me gain weight). sexually abuse me.#all of this. for at least 4 or so years. and yet.#if i wish death upon her for the damage she's done to my body and mind then suddenly im the monster.#i don't even want to be the one to do it. i don't have the stomach or lack of compassion for that. l#i just want her dead so she can't victimize anyone else ever again. she ran off to missouri with a new victim.#he doesnt have really anyone willing to wade into the mire like i did. the only way he's escaping is either on his own or when she's dead.#on a side tangent im convinced that she's a chubby chaser. her ex before deciding i was a suitable next victim was fat.#she fattened me up by forcing me to eat her food even if it meant me being ill and in pain afterward.#her new victim is also fairly stocky.#keep in mind. if this was a matter of just. time and actually getting enough to eat each day i wouldn't be in as much mentally agony over it#its the coercion. the very clear intent by my abuser. it reads like a constant reminder of the abuse.#anyway. i needed to scream abt it. ive mentioned the sa. i never really talk about the food-related abuse.#i also never really talk about being an angry vengeful flawed victim that wants my abuser to shuffle off the mortal coil#shut up maple#sa mention
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gonna maybe be away for a lil bit (I say maybe because it really depends on my brain’s temperment)
currently fighting some darkness atm that won’t fucking stop (I’m okay, though, I swear, but its been all fucking day and I need to sleep and I can’t because thoughts)
leave a message after the beep
#i might stop in to like and reblog random things here and there#but ill probably stick to dash rather than digging through blogs like i usually do#anyway#autism adhd and c-ptsd is such a fucking shit hand like cash me tf out ON FUCKING-#like already have emotion regulation problems that gets worsened by it#(it being ptsd)#adhd already brings an endless monologue so ptsd goes ‘oh hey..gimme da aux for a bit’ and plays THE MOST VILE SHIT#ON REPEAT#also the impulsivity omfg#im already terrible and use it to distract whenever i can#but its like im also telling myself i need to because i need to get away from this#but instead of buying things i feel like i want to do something ‘worse’ and i…like actually don’t wanna#anyway idk im really sorry for all the negative posting lately#ibut also this is my home so :(#i started a side blog to actually scream in a void but its kind of odd still tbh and that’s a tangent anyways#im still holding myself to shipping things tho! so I will be reaching out to y’all when i get material wooo#(hopefully next week or the following~)#im hoping that this is just pmdd flaring my ptsd#because then its temporary#BUT OMG WHY WONT MY MEDICINE WORK I HATE YOU PMDD 😭#oh…yeah…sorry#beeeeep
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does anyone know a way to get bruises to go away faster? i have the unfortunate combination of being clumsy as hell, having shit memory, and bruising easily, so my knees almost always have a bunch of nasty looking bruises all over them without me having any clue what caused them. i wouldn't really give a shit (they don't hurt much) but my mom worries whenever she sees a big one and i hate doing that to her
#void screaming#tw bruising#i just. she spots one and goes 'aww... baby...' with the most heartwrenching look on her face#and i legitimately did not notice the massive dark bruise until that moment#how do i make it look Less Awful and/or not take a full week to fade i dont want my mom to worry about what was probably just like#another collision with a side table or something
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i have a mighty need for a kaveh fontaine skin
#do you see my vision#it could be for angst reasons or just normal reasons#like he wants to connect with his mom again so he dresses in the fontaine style#or it was an outfit he bought for her wedding#on the exact opposite side kaveh just wanted to try something new or he liked how the outfit looked#either way i need it#i need kaveh to get a skin at all actually#i would literally sell my kidneys for it#genshin kaveh#Kaveh#Bones screams into the void
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Sometimes I have a fear that I'm not actually aroace, that I'm just a super super "late bloomer" and those things are deep inside me waiting to trigger and then change who I am forever
And then I ask a question about something about romance that seems so inconsequential and dumb to me and have to be explained how important it really is because of how much you're in love with another person and
I shouldn't have feared 😅 it is absolutely incomprehensible to me, the whole romance/being in love shebang does not make a lick of sense and I will never understand it, because my brain just isn't wired to understand, that is not something that's a part of who I am when for the majority of other people it is
Phew glad for a little self-validation haha
#very happy for my allo friends who are in love!! i want them to be that's good for them!! :D#makes me happy to know they found somebody they can be happy being with the rest of their life#my brain just doesn't do that so i'm happy but from like the other side of a window haha#just me rambling#i scream into the void
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You know this time next year, when I haven't spoken to mum in months and I'm not coming home for xmas, I hope she thinks back on days like today and is like "yeah that's probably the reason he went no contact"
#max rambles a lot#sometimes i think that maybe things will be okay and i won't have to cut off the other half of my family when i move out#and then days like this happen where both of them start screaming at me because idk the way i'm feeling is inconvient to them#and *my* autism and mh isn't an excuse for being 'bone idle' and 'lazy' (i swear i'm really trying i'm just Going Through It rn)#but theirs is an excuse to treat me like shit#i fucking hate it here#i've decided that whether or not this opportunity comes to fruition i'm moving to York in september#opposite side of the country while still being in the north#hate the idea of moving out of manchester tbh i love it but a fresh start is what i need so 🤷🏻#yeah fuck them both tbh i worked so hard to buy them nice xmas gifts that i know they'll love#and almost broke myself on multiple occassions to clean this hovel of a house and it's never fucking good enough#i am the only one who is *still* sleeping on the floor because mum and my sister both have new beds and mattresses#and i got yelled at for trying to figure out if i could afford to get a bed too#because mum didn't want the hassle of sorting my room out too before xmas so i have to wait until the new year???#like fuck off i'm so tired of being on the floor all the time i hate it here sm#anyway i'm sad and tired and angry i've really had enough i just needed to rant into the void#because if i go off at either of them it turns into 3 days of screaming at me and i'm way too tired for that honestly
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...What if I told you I had an absolute shit ton of Pokemon trainer OCs I want to share?
#Static screams into the void#And a lot of them are psychics.#Because Psychic trainers are cool.#So far I have:#a re-vamp of my Pokemon XY (and kinda Sun/Moon) OC from when I was 15#Who is now Lysandre's niece that wants to run away from Team Flare. (And Shauna's rival)#A Sword/Shield dude (who is a weirdo backpacker that can talk to ghosts)#My Scarlet/Violet dude who's a psychic and famous actor who took a 'break' from acting to be a teacher at the academy.#(And is also my XY OC's uncle on her late mother's side)#and recently I've been thinking of making a Sun/Moon Team Skull dude.#I love all of these OCs so fucking much man-#I just haven't had the time/motivation to post about them.#I'm half-tempted to make a dedicated sideblog for them since I have so many.#But it feels kinda weird to make a sideblog just for that.#If anyone is interested in that though I'll consider it.#(I might do it anyway if I really want to though dhfjshfj)#Sorry to randomly Pokemon infodump on ya dudes-#But these OCs have been on my mind a lot recently.#I might also make a similar sideblog for my Owl House OCs since I have a lot of OCs I want to show outside of Raven.#But not sure-#Making/designing characters is just fun as hell I guess.
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.
#this is a scream into the void don't read unless you want to#i'm so done and i just want next week to arrive already#i don't know anything about what's happening next week#i haven't been told anything other than get there for the morning#i haven't seen anyone apart from my family really for weeks#all my friends have been busy and my best friend came over just to do induction work#we didn't talk at all#i'm lonely and i miss my friends#it's been three weeks since i last spent any quality time with any of them and i'm used to seeing them every day#to top it all off i have to be in the same room as my ex on monday and the last time i saw them through the window of a coffee shop#it still felt like i was being punched in the stomach and it's been 5 months#i don't know what i'm doing next and i don't know anything and everything was so clearly laid out in my head for what i was doing before#and i don't even know what subjects i'm doing because i still haven't fully decided#the only thing i know is that i'm doing a comparison of birdhouse on the side which will be nice#i just want to know what i'm up against and what's going to happen next#what my general direction is because i have no fucking clue at this point#my head's been a mess since the week before results day and while i'm miles better i'm still not right#i want to know if all of it is going to be worth it#if what comes next is going to be worth all the effort i put into it and i'm going to enjoy it and so many other things#i'm so sorry for clogging your dash with this i just don't have anywhere to put this other than a diary and i don't have one on me right now#vetty talks#delete later#screaming into the void
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Wooo time to feel completely useless :,)
#i feel like none of my hobbies are up to the standard i want them to be#and works just been throwing me to the side while i watch a select few get the opportunity that ive been fighting tooth and nail for#everything feels so futile#honestly the only reason im not offing myself right now is because im not. letting. death. win.#i dont even know what i want#all i wanna do is scream out into the void#vent i guess.#sorry.
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oouughgh i'm suffering so many ideas can't draw anything oouguugughhgh
#the void screaming#the number of times i've opened csp today; did a 5 minute sketch; closed csp; and reopened it to do another sketch dfjhfdsjkdjsdh#IM TRYING TOO HARD I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DRAW TO BE PRODUCTIVE but also i just rly wanna draw anyway grrrrrrrrr#the thing w/ being unable to perceive time is that it feels like it's been over a week since i last drew anything. which is just false LOL#so my brain is always like brrrrrrrrrr you need to do smthn you haven't done anything this month YES I HAVE BE QUIETTTTTT#brainrot these past few weeks has been insane i keep wanting to write/draw the emos (and mine)#i keep side eyeing my huge charms file sdfghjkjh yeah i could maybe draw a cheeb rn but. *looks up with eyes glowing red* i don't want to.#another funny thing about no time perception lately is that i can force myself outta art block in like. a few days#bc i'm perpetually like OKKKK YOU NEED TO DO ART IT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR CHOP CHOP YOU'VE HAD A LONG ENOUGH BREAK#i need to go outside or smthn afhjds but nowhere to go nothin to do can't drive no friends :( get me outta butt ass nowhere for a bit man!!#i wanna GO somewhere with PLACES and get my head outta the clouds for a day 😭😭😭 i hate it here sometimes#ANYWAY no im just gonna go gamin and try to not touch my tablet for the rest of the night#that's it that's my big rant in the tags thank u for reading my screams :)
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