#and i just feel morose

[skitskatdacat63]

Back in my monthly depression era ig but. Thinking about social media and art, and how their relationship has fucked with me. I'm glad I started drawing fanart and I don't regret it. And I think I've really improved my skill this past half year plus. But man it gives me such a terrible complex. That paranoia of "who even would give a shit about this" and "when will people be done with me."

I think any artist always craves some recognition and praise no matter how much you say you draw for yourself. You can draw for yourself but it's still extremely gratifying and inspiring to have people's approval or thoughts on it.I used to draw for myself more and draw so much random art, but I discussed it a lot with friends and it made it more gratifying, to have that interest. And I lost that kinda, a lot. I feel like for a bit btwn losing that and drawing fanart, I can't really remember, I didn't draw as much bcs it just felt a bit unrewarded and it felt bleh.

And then I started drawing fanart. Which felt very rewarding. I'm happy I've not ever really felt the desire to make widely "appealing" art. If you look at even the first things I posted, it's extremely niche, and that's been a lot of fun! But it's also just made me so paranoid and self conscious. What if people get tired of this. What if people find it strange. What if people find it annoying. What if I'm being repetitive. Etc. It's really irritating bcs I KNOW people have told me they find my stuff interesting and that they like it. But my brain can't help but think, what is the expiration date on this, when will it become boring. I discuss my art with people and it's fun, but that self consciousness clings to me like a parasite. Like ah I better hurry this up and enjoy it while I can before they get annoyed and tired of it.

I guess this is all to say, I don't always like my relationship with art, and I hate the way social media messes with your brain. I remember for a bit I would post my art on Instagram and do the whole hashtag game. And then realized it was messing with my relationship with art so I dropped it. And then did the same thing with Twitter, than dropped it, etc. I just hate how I can't let myself enjoy anything. Idk maybe I'm just burnt out or something, but whenever I think of drawing lately, there's just this voice being like "what's the point of even drawing this, why would anyone care." I hate you evil voice in my brain!!!! It's not even a thing about notes, and I feel greedy even simply admitting any of this. I think it's more of a craving of a deeper connection and discussion. Which is what I always seek when I create art. But social media makes you think about numbers and attention and makes it unhealthy and makes you feel guilty for wanting something that's pretty reasonable.

Blah blah blah anyways don't reply to this like, oh you need to fix your relationship w art by taking a break from socmed! It's just this continual cycle and maybe one day I'll break it. But sometimes it just hits harder some days. I just want to stop feeling cringe. I hate it cause internally I'm like "I am cringe but I am free" but that only has to do with actually creating the stuff. Posting about it is the trap I think. Again though, it's natural to crave discussion and approval, but putting myself out there makes me want to curl up in a ball. I miss the days when I was younger and creating all kinds of random art and forcing it upon people with absolutely no shame. But now it's like. I toss my art into the room and shut the door and hide behind it with bated breath. And it often feels like any conversation I have just sates me for a tiny bit and then I go back to feeling empty. Is it ungrateful? Or is it just natural to want to keep having and partaking in a good thing?

Someone sent me advice on this feeling at some point, about how its better to talk to people individually rather than just on main. And I agree! I had a lot of fun the last third of last year. And for some reason it's just felt different ever since the new year began. I just don't know how to recover, and to start having fun like that again. I've drawn a lot of things I've immensely enjoyed since the year began, but for some reason, which I can't really parse, have had way worse self loathing and insecurity about it all. I just wanna recover my joy back :( is that too much to ask

Tldr; yay art improvement! Complex ideas! Much discussion! However: nay! Makes me feel cringe! Makes me feel like I'm running on limited time! Makes me crave too much!

[specialagentartemis]

The end of a fandom fixation is such a bittersweet feeling. It’s like a fever breaking; you were in the throes of it for a year, two years, however many, it’s all you think about, you want to discuss it and create for it and relate everything back to it, it’s the constant running background noise of your brain. And then something happens or maybe nothing happens. And one day you realize that you don’t really care like that anymore. You don’t feel the desire to check the Tumblr tag or keep up with the AO3 tag and the fan conversations spinning ideas about it don’t give you the urge to join in. You sit down to your fanfic WIPs and don’t really see the point. You’re looking forward to the next installment but don’t feel the need to Do Fandom about it. It’s gone from your Fandom back to a thing you just like.

[joelletwo]

[ID from alt 1: sketchy gintama thumbnails: a sitting takasugi in ominous shadow, gintoki resting an elbow on a desk with hand on his head, kagura in a curled up crossed leg sit eating something, gintoki slumped over leaning his weight on his sword confusingly positioned around his head, gintoki opening the door to a building zura hides under the stairs to, gintoki standing straight and flinging his sword arm out, takasugi lounging in a circular windowsill bansai kneels in front of

2: same pic opacity lowered to show these were drawn, in the same order, over capital letters A-G respectively]

idle practice while i try to find good art youtubers.....................

[deadgit]

4 AM and I can't sleep... so it's time to post my deeply unpopular, but fervently held belief that Rimmer fell first, but Lister fell harder.

[uncanny-tranny]

I don't necessarily buy into the idea of love languages, but I think figuring out how you show your love to others can be such a great idea.

I've learned that I show love through gift-giving and creating things with my loved ones in mind. While this won't be compatible with everyone, the core of why you like expressing your love in particular ways can help you explore how to expand on how you express it.

I think this is important because I think we should strive to be adaptable and to understand ourselves as deeply as we understand the people we love. By getting to know yourself, you can how to appreciate all these qualities about you

[doeeyeddyke]

the thing about being a queer Muslim is that i'll see someone with a flag or a sticker or pin or some such and i want so dearly to at least say hi or show some sign of joy or acknowledgment or community but no one actually wants a Muslim who is also a queer and are discomfited by the thought and implications of it

(i've found that they especially are thrown off by my wearing a burqa and masking, whether they think i'm just an ally or not)

[tartagliatum]

I think a lot about Wrio allowing himself to indulge and gaining some weight as a way of healing, he went hungry for a long part of his life, but now he gets to be safer, to eat his fill and go to sleep with a full tummy. I also think of Neuvillete encouraging him to do it so, cherishing his softer body and rubbing his tummy, empty or full, which is great bcs Wrio not only lived starved of food but of affection too. I LOVE WG AND STUFFING AS HEALING, AND I LOVE WRIO. I CAN HEAL HIM FR (BY FEEDING HIM)

AHSJSHUS I LOVE THIS cherishing his softer body and rubbing his tummy <3333

i feel like so many canon profile bits and exchanges with him point to him being quite an indulgent character already; slacking off work, turning up his nose at the less desirable welfare meals, strolling around fontaine's patisseries, taking little tea breaks whenever the opportunity arises. as he deserves to!

given that he's said to be seen visiting bakeries while on duty in the overworld, i like to think he has a sweetooth :3 perhaps neuvillette often brings him pastries and cakes as gifts whenever he visits during work hours. he invites him to furina's famous tea parties whenever the chance makes itself available (one of which is sure to be hosted each time the warden has official business to discuss in the court of fontaine, no matter how trivial.) he is always delighted to see him treat himself, and wriothesley is just as happy to satisfy his sweet tooth on such a decadent feast; not only did he never think he would have the opportunity to live so luxuriously, but also because now he believes he deserves to do so, no longer holding back from his desires out of guilt and little self worth.

not only does he give in to his newfound large appetite, but neuvillette rather likes to indulge him too. he brings him out to restaurants and orders fine foods and wines - a gloved finger pointing out the dishes on the menu as he orders for the both of them. at furina's tea parties, he offers him another slice of cake or suggests which desserts to try next, even as wriothesley places a hand on the swell of his quickly filling stomach.

"kouign-amann pair quite well with ginger tea. i must say this batch has been baked long to perfection," he muses, delicately pushing a plate across the table to wriothesley, who is still making his way through the gâteau he insisted he try. "though if you are drinking something sweeter, i would suggest a few canelés, or this pear tarte tatin. what do you think, furina?"

"the red wine caramel is exquisite, wriothesley."

"these macarons from lucerne's, though, are truly delectable. they are still light and crisp from this morning."

"let me breathe first." wriothesley swallows, smiling fondly at his enthusiasm to see him eat well. (and, really, breathing may become slightly more challenging if he continues on like this.) "i haven't even finished the last few you so kindly bestowed upon me."

and ohhh the belly rubs,,, !!!!!!!

ofc i believe wriothesley is so weak for having his tummy rubbed in the first place - neuvillette's warm hands are the perfect balance of heavy and firm but gentle, and just feel so inexplicably nice - so when the deep circles he rubs into his belly are accompanied by the pleasurable feeling of being full of baked treats or a yummy dinner, he quite positively ascends to heaven. and when his lavish lifestyle inevitably fills him out and he amasses a few extra inches on his waistline, the iudex's hands on his newly senistive tummy send him out of this world entirely. falling asleep is a difficult thing for wriothesley, but under these circumstances - whether neuvillette is settling a meal in his stomach or simply providing affectionate rubs - he feels safe and cared for in his arms, and despite fighting it, sleep takes over him and he's snoring lightly into his boyfriend's shoulder. indulging is a fun little hobby, but having somebody to indulge with - somebody to pamper you - is much preferable.

(also consider - tummy kisses. neuvillette is absolutely over the moon when the soft cushioning of wriothesley's tummy means he can easily take it between his teeth, trailing little love bites over the gentle curve of his belly. or simply just pressing his lips to his warm middle in soft, adoring kisses, much to wriothesley's blissful delight.)

[codacheetah]

I keep thinking of how I want to taxonomize Siffrin and Loop bc it feels significant to me that Loop and Siffrin both have inherently diverged from the same Traveler Mold they came from. But because I am like a 7 year old I keep sagely nodding to myself going "ah yes... just like mega mewtwo"

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso

[kanerallels]

It has been an Interesting Day today

[bright-and-burning]

it is genuinely saddening how i follow a third of the people i followed ~9 months ago. i miss when my queue used to spit out anything and everything; it was like one of those gumball machines where you got fun little toys out. and i had so much fun filling it w stuff being like omg friend x is gonna eat this up in three months!!! putting stuff in there to be a little forgotten treasure for myself, some kind of mini time capsule... i literally used to be known for my variety posting you know. but i've had to mow down the biodiversity of my dash aggressively to avoid catching strays and i feel like i've been curling up further and further into a ball on here like a terrified potato bug

[eccentricmya]

I find it strange that people here would obliquely comment on the creative choices of their fellow artists/writers in the fandom.

Yes, there are times when we do not agree with someone's depiction of a character, but don't like, don't read exists? And if you stop reading, then what's the point of dredging your irritation up? There will always be fandom trends that don't agree with your headcanons or perhaps even go wildly against established canon. But fandom is a free-for-all sandbox. You cannot dictate it to your liking.

Yes, I'm aware I'm being a hypocrite right now. Making the same vague posts and trying to dictate what one writes on their own blog. But I thought of how seeing such shading posts might make a newcomer feel about sharing their creativity that follows the fandom trend. How a post made in a joking manner might scare someone shy about to post a fic/art with the same 'irksome' concept.

So maybe some posts are meant to stay in the drafts, folks. Or shared with your bestie in private messages. (Perhaps this post is one such example.)

[jackwolfes]

Hii<33 will you tease us with hints of your current projects?

hello! 👀 due to a number of things happening off-screen for me i would say that i'm currently in "fucking around" mode without a huge number of actual tangible projects going on? like im doing a lot of "open new doc > write down vague idea > add 1,000 odd words > don't finish the project" which. doesn't feel great. but hey ho.

the biggest thing is that i'm doing a merlin big bang and am trying to wrap up the details of that project because i've committed now, except i can't give any details about because it all needs to stay anonymous 😅 either way that'll be out in like, august!

yeah in terms of other fandoms that i have written more stuff more in the past im just sorta,,,, languishing i guess??? like i'm still writing but it's really hard to be excited about WIPs and tell people & have them get excited and then just never finishing anything 🤷

[stupidcanofpeaches]

sometimes i feel like im running out of time to do anything. i see all this art around me gorgeous sketches and edits and animatics and i think man i wish i kept doing this back when i had more free time more energy. i wish i was brave enough to keep singing i wish i kept trying to learn how to play guitar i wish i kept drawing my shitty little sketches and i just didn't. i didn't. so what now? all i can do is write and it just doesn't feel like enough it really doesn't. i feel like i was more brave when i was a teenager. now i open one of my many empty sketchbooks and i look at the page and i swear one of these days ill cry real hard about it. nowadays its like if im not instantly good at something it doesn't feel like its worth to continue. i draw a character, the character looks like crap and i feel like crap and i put it down. all of my expensive watercolor pencils and nice markers and oil pastel are just gathering dust while im waiting to feel brave enough to tackle my failures. and its not like i owe this to anyone to do this, i don't have to be very good at it to enjoy it but something in me doesn't allow it. why must i feel like it needs to be good why must i feel like i have to get something out of it whether attention or validation or profit. why can't i just do my shitty art for the sake of it and the enjoyment of the process of creating something?

its not supposed to be a race and im not losing but ill be damned if it doesn't feel like im dead last in some marathon i did not want to participate in.

[killerchickadee]

Grief is like, thinking about trying to take a trip to Orlando for Megacon, and thinking, well I can't stay at my mom's house cause she sold it and moved away 6 years ago, wait I could stay at my grandparents house. But also no, what was that thought? Because that house (that I grew up in) was sold 12 years ago after my grandpa died, and my grandma is dead now too.

And realizing again and again and again that you have no home.

[aeide-thea]

do you ever think abt like. how it takes you twice as much work to arrive at half as much personhood and by the time you've managed to scrape yrself together that far the ppl you were trying to join in with have moved on