#lol a lot of things are. shits rough out here folks. shit is rough. been a morose time as of late. anyways. we move. we keep it pushing

[feline-evil]

As someone who, due to life factors i don't wish to detail, had turned to social media years ago as his only way to find any kind of social interaction or ability to find others like himself i find the slow, disgustingly pitiful deaths that capitalism is causing to major sites not only incredibly aggravating but also deeply sad and worrying. The internet is getting more and more sprawled out and disconnected and there are both more and more sites and yet fewer and fewer places that really feel like you can congregate on and easily find things you're into and people who are into them too, it feels like community is harder and harder to foster; and lets not even get into how hellish this is if you are a fulltime independent artist online who has yet to create a large enough fanbase to support you and follow you to wherever you have to go when the next site inevitably becomes unusable or hostile to you. And i know we like to encourage people to touch grass and go offline and make connections out in the real world and i agree that that is incredibly important, but i do feel like there's this elephant in the room of the fact not everyone can; the circumstances i have existed in have shut me off from socialization and i HAD to turn to the internet for it, and i KNOW i am not the only person who has lived their life in this position! People who are broke, disabled, live in areas hostile to them or simply devoid of community and without social events; sometimes the internet IS your best bet at socializing and i really do worry about people like this, like me, as the internet slowly rots as it is lately.

The internet was also for me, and i'm sure many others, the only place i could explore my queerness and learn about such concepts as being trans; if it hadn't been for social media sites like this one (as occasionally well meaning but clouded by discourse as it was) i would never have even known trans men existed nor that i could be one. I would have had no idea what was 'different' about me or that i could choose to be something other than that which was slowly destroying me with the grief i felt for having to be it. I never would have met my boyfriend either, nor my friends; you can scoff if you like but genuinely the amount of life changing and life saving things the internet have provided me with have ensured i am still here today. I don't know, i'm just mournfully watching as the year slowly erodes what little i've had over the years in terms of people seeing what i make or having spaces to talk to one another and I'm worried about how bad this is going to get. With every death of a social media website that's become The One we congregate on we each spread off into a million different smaller, harder to find each other on ones, and who among us can really say they have the same time to give 5 different sites that they give to 1. My world was lonely before the internet became a thing i could access, and so was many other peoples i'm sure. I'm worried about it becoming that lonely again for people.

[roleplayallday]

Hey folks! Once again been shown a game and became really invested in a ship lol

This time it’s GTA 5!

Is anyone interested in a Trikey roleplay?

Maybe post!game? Amanda and Michael finally divorce despite trying their best to make things work (maybe they divorce because Michael realizes he just can’t lie to himself anymore now that Trevor’s back in his life and stirring up more crazy feelings). They can leave on good or bad terms, doesn’t matter to me.

Maybe Michael doesnt tell anyone about it, trying to get his shit together first. But eventually he gets sick of being alone in the big mansion so he spills about the divorce to Franklin, who in turn tells Trevor, who immediately tries to move in with Michael and make a move on him.

Alternatively, Trevor is batshit insane most of the time so maybe something smutty and noncon-y, at least in the beginning, because it can turn into something sweeter. Maybe Michael is stuck in the closet and doesn’t want to admit that he’s left his wife because of Trevor specifically, but Trevor moves in (more like forces his way into living with Michael) and already knows that Michael’s got feelings for him, but he has to physically draw the confession out of him because poor Townley is so repressed he isn’t ready to admit it until Trevor has him in an emotional state.

Can be smutty (if over 18 obviously) or sfw - well as sfw as Trevor Philips can be lol i figure there’s gonna be a lot of chaos and rough love involved.

If anyone’s interested, dm me here or on discord! My discord is kazikuns

[eleanorandphantom]

Get to know me?

I kinda realized I never really introduced myself, so uh, hi!

My name is Echo :D I am pansexual and genderfluid, as for pronouns, I have no preferences, just don't call me an 'attack helicopter' and we'll be chillin'

I am 16, currently in Junior year, actually really enjoying it right now!

In most of my DR's my name is Eleanor, which is why its my user! I just feel connected to both names

Some non-shifting facts about me:

I have olive-green eyes

I have been singing/playing guitar/acting for around 10 years and I danced for 8 years (still dance for theater and funsies)

I play acoustic, electric, and a little bass

I am in a band as a lead singer and guitarist, we are called "Vessels of Rebirth"!!!

I am an alto-soprano! which is very fun as I can sing very diverse styles of music (my favorites being folk, rock, and gospel)

I am a Christian and follower of God, to whom I love dearly

Although I am a Christian, I do a lot of tarot reading, and I also see and speak with the deceased as well as have prophetic dreams on occasion. I currently have 3 spirits residing in my house, they are quite nice! (Also if you guys have any suggestions on incense please let me know! I need to add to my stash)

I do a ton of art, whether it be sewing, drawing, painting, photography, or making things out of materials, you will always find me with a new project (I'm currently working on a plushie bee for my friend in my Java class!!)

Speaking of java I am loving coding, that shit is cool

At the moment, I am leading in two shows (one is a murder mystery comedy, like clue, where the audience decides who the murderer is! The second is Spamalot, and I am the female lead, Lady of the Lake!!) I am also in the ensemble of Hadestown and doing crew for Little Mermaid! So a ton of theater stuffs going on (would you believe me if I told you I have 6 different theater-based DR's?? teehee)

I do a ton of reading, I love books; it's one of my dreams to have a Hobbit-inspired book room in my future house, complete with a circle door

I have a massive collection of plushies and stuffed animals, all of which I have named and remember perfectly (I love them sm)

My favorite colors are: forest/emerald green, sunset orange, TEAL!!!, deep purples, navy blue, maroon, pastel yellow, and blue/ashy grey

I am very Portuguese, and I love Portuguese food, my favorite being Bifanas

I have two pets, a 7 year old golden retriever named Ridge and an 11 month old ragdoll cat named Dexter (short for Dexteria, yes I am a DnD nerd)

Speaking of DnD, I am currently DM'ing three campaigns, and I'm in around 10-15 other campaigns, I love DnD a lot, it's one of my favorite hobbies

Onto shifting related stuff!

I have been shifting(minishifting partially, still shifting though!!!) since I was around 8 I guess? I didn't realize that was what I was doing at the time, and around 2021 I found out about shifting through a classmate (who brought it up at the most random time possible, an ELA class lol)

The first actual DR I ever made was a My Hero Academia reality, and by birds all mighty that script was ROUGH

But I still hold it close to my heart, even though it was so cringy

I took a break from shifting for like 7 months to a year at most, I believed in it, I just felt more content in my CR, but now I am at a point where I want to explore and be fully happy and learn and grow as myself!

Here is a list of my main DR's!

MPHFPC

Waiting Room

Phantom of the Opera

DnD homebrew (x3)

Better CR

Ever After High DR (x2)

Theater related (x6)

Apartment DR (x2)

Big Bang Theory

ASOUE

College DR (Harvard obviously)

Mad Scientist DR (before you ask, it's a book I'm writing, and No I am not the mad scientist)

Hogwarts (Not my favorite, but definitely for the vibes, witch-craft and ooo riding brooms is super fun! I kinda stay away from the main characters to the best of my ability, besides George tho, that man has my heart)

Those are my most recent ones, they all have their little quirks and loveliness that make them unique to me, if you have any questions about them I would be happy to answer!

I mainly post about my MPHFPC DR and more recently my Waiting Room, since they are the two realities I go to

I hope you guys enjoyed and got to know me a bit better, my asks/comments are always open so feel free to stop in and say ahoy!

Bye-bye for now :D

[babacontainsmultitudes]

hello!!! hope you are well!!!!! asking all the dndads folks this .. what are your hopes / predictions for next episode

Hi you!!! Hope you’re doing well too :]

Hopes and predictions huh? Hmmm…

Haven’t put too much thought into the realm of actual predictions for this one, truthfully! I’m *hoping* it’ll be a pretty Linc-centric episode (well, Linc and Grant!), which feels reasonable enough to expect?

Very excited for whatever Matt is gonna bring to the table more generally, really. Aside from Lincoln just being the bestest fucking boy, I think Matt more than all the other players (granted Beth excels here as well) just does a phenomenal job at remembering the core themes of the show (“Family!!!” I scream from the rooftops, “This is a show about family!”) and accordingly pays a lot of attention not just to the arc of his own character but to that of Grant as well (and of course all the intricate ways in which the two are intertwined)- a fact that I think is obvious just by looking at how many of Matt’s dad and teen facts revolve around Grant actually! But that’s another post lol. But yeah, even in last week’s teen talk he stated:

“I’m sure Scary won’t be happy with Grant but like, I think, the thing I’m more concerned [with] is obviously Grant- is gonna be how Grant feels about himself. Him screaming “no” after he did it is like, that’s rough”

Which is just- ugh it’s everything to me. That to say, I’m really pumped for what’s to come on that front, since I have a lot of faith in Matt to steer things in a direction that is narratively satisfying for both Lincoln and Grant. Also, it’s such a small thing relative to all that’s going on but, I really do hope that Anthony remembers that Grant hasn’t heard Lincoln’s new voice yet lol, I don’t want that to go unaddressed! Ugh I almost wanna go and relisten to “The Staircase” just thinking about all of this- I’ve been waiting for Grant and Linc to confront each other for *SO LONGGG* hahaha. As a final note on Grant, cause if not I could go on forever, in the teen talk Anthony stated:

“(…) I’ve already had some thoughts as to what he [Willy] wrote onto Grant’s collar”

Which seems to imply that the kiddads don’t all have the same thing written on their collars, which is very interesting! Makes me wonder about Lark and Sparrow as well (<- this got me thinking: “what if Lark and Sparrow’s collars had things written on them that forced them to be apart from each other” or something to that effect OUGH that’d be so rad anyways anyways total tangent loool).

*Otherwise*, FUCK ANTHONY BETTER REMEMBER NICKY. Lmaooo he better parachute in at some point in this episode or else!!! I’d love to see him have to confront Terry’s death, I’d LOOOVE to see him confront/interact with Grant, and I really hope that his reactions to either of those things isn’t just “fuck this shit I’m out” and then he poofs away as he is one to do. Especially now that Anthony decided for convenience’ sake that Nicky can’t make portals anymore- at least keep that consistent lmao. If he *did* try to just dip though, my hope would be that Taylor steps in and actually confronts his dad about that trend of his. Because really, ever since Waterdeep when you think about it we’ve seen that Nick has this bad habit of running away from his problems rather than confronting them (granted his behavior is I think pretty understandable in a good chunk of those cases) and so… Well I guess now that Taylor has become more attached to his dad I would like to see him actually call Nicky out on those behaviors and how it affects him as his son and let his dad know that, well, he doesn’t want Nick to walk out of his life again, y’know?

Hopefully that makes some sense haha, didn’t mean for this ramble to be so long! But yeah, I guess those are the main things running through my head atm (I’ve also been thinking about Scary and Terry and how all that shit is gonna play out ofc, but nothing concrete to say on the matter as it stands).

:3 Wbu???

[faebriel]

Ooo sbi!witch au? Tell me more? <-genuinely curious/interested

yayyy hi mye :D

okay so it's a bit of a fantasy setting first of all. that's your context. everyone has some connection to one of six* sources of power, whether that connection is strong or limited - there are phantom witches (connection to death), freshwater witches, saltwater witches, spark witches (connection to fire, lightning, etc), glamour witches, and blood witches (i.e. shapeshifters). all these are varying degrees of popular but blood witches are veryyy unpopular as shapeshifting is generally viewed as desecration of the body, esp from a religious perspective - the body is a vessel for magic, stop fucking with it. not a universal opinion but one that holds water in a lot of cities.

tommy is a spark witch! tubbo is a blood witch. the two of them generally run around stealing shit causing trouble burning things down having fun from town to town. tommy is still mildly rabid for lady prime but more rabid for his best friend. tubbo generally keeps his type of magic secret - not an easy feat as it's one of the first things someone will ask or notice about another witch - so they usually hang out until someone finds out about him, and then they skip town. they also have made their souls into friendship bracelets so they have a general sense of where the other is and their state of safety at all times. when one of them is injured or exhausted, they share the pain.

unfortunately tommy makes a few friends in bad places and gets snatched off the street in some revenge plot. tubbo uses his shapeshifting to break in and get him out of there - so now those guys know about the herefore underestimated tubbo element, and tommy is pretty badly injured. they disappear into the woods and try to avoid getting eaten by the trees. it does happen.

they think they find a beacon. nice! it's actually a coven, in some kitschy little house. bummer! tommy is not doing well and they're about to be find out by whichever freaks live here and tubbo is pretty skeptical of these random woods folks' opinions on the complex political situation of blood witchery so in a stroke of genius /doubtful tommy encourages tubbo to shapeshift to hide himself as an animal, a Classic Ruse. so he does! here's tommy, a random young witch, and his familiar. this is 100% normal and no one has any reason to question it.

living in the house is small weird family (?) of guys wilbur (phantom witch), techno (???), and phil (freshwater witch, but it gets worse). they offer tommy and his familiar somewhere to stay while he gets better and, with few other options, tommy (and tubbo lol) says yeah sure. found family ensues

here is some info that is important but this post is getting too long to write out in paragraphs

wilbur is a phantom witch, but after a suicide attempt, being so close to death constantly is kind of triggering. instead, these days, he focuses on brewing potions (without a license) to sell at town markets. he's kind of still in the recovery phase and has a bit of a rough relationship with phil and techno but he and tommy, who is drawn to potionmaking almost immediately (and relates to powers he can't control - he's been called destructive for his unchecked fire magic before), get on like a house on fire

and he has a familiar called mr president!!! this is very important. firstly bc kitty but secondly because familiars flock to each other like seeing an old friend from school at the supermarket.....but tommy's familiar wants very little to do with mr president, who just seems vaguely confused by him............how strange!

*phil was a freshwater witch, but after stealing a dragons egg, was gifted with void witchdom. void is like a really powerful add-on to original witch magic, and also gives him some extra perks like wings and voidsight (peeking into other timelines to guess what is going to happen). phil does a bit of cheeky voidsighting when they find tommy, just in case this is some kind of ruse that peering into another universe might reveal, but all seems fine. he's just rowdy. tends to keep more company in other universes but maybe that's just a coincidence (it's not). goddess wife also

voiddom is something that is gifted, and because of that, it can be taken away.

okay i struggled hard with figuring out what techno's deal is but i think i'd go for the classic. yeah sure techno is also a blood witch. he doesn't really shapeshift either - thinking he used it to fight his way out of some rough background, and now prefers to keep his own form and do other stuff (kind of like wilbur) - and, much like tommy and tubbo, SBI are kind of cautious re: mouthing off pro-shapeshifting around these random strangers. twisted web we weave and all that

theres a lot of bonding over not letting your magic or perceptions of your magic define you :> but yeah

oh and then tommy gets tracked down and snatched back

and tubbo, at the end of his tether, is stuck with a not great choice. let tommy die or burn down literally everything they've built here to put tubbo in his place instead. so naturally he 1. reveals himself as not a familiar (which, they were starting to guess there was something weird about him tbh), 2. reveals himself as a blood witch (distressing and confusing, but hey, let's talk about this) and 3. sets a trap to steal phil's voiddom and use those powerups to find and rescue tommy (aaaand nobody is happy about that one)

theres a whole thing with plot resolution also but this post is long enough and i can't put in a readmore on mobile so. woooo 🎇😺🧪🗻🐺

[lunapwrites]

2023 Recap and New Year Reading

One thing I think I'm proud of this year is how I approached bullet journaling. Despite sometimes going weeks at a time without making entries, instead of giving up I just went "ah, hell, we'll try again next month" and went about setting up the next few pages. That's... progress I think.

Anyway one of the reasons I bring this up is because last year, when I started this thing, I kicked off the year with a rune and tarot reading. And I think overall they were pretty on point, even if I was refusing to see the VERY COMMON THEME in all of it. Like... what brand of copium was I on that I saw 3 of Cups with the Empress and the Ace of Cups AND Death and went "Yep nope nothing to see here folks! Having a normal one!"

[This would be where I would stare flatly into the camera, Office style.]

The overall theme of 2023 was change. My partner and I did a lot of evaluating where we were and where we wanted to be, and started making moves to get there - some glacial, some... a lot quicker than I had expected lmao. But I think with my reading, my issue was that I made everything too broad and didn't focus on what was most on my mind - which turned out to be exactly what's on my mind now, and how it related to my existing commitments - including my fandom presence and writing. Which... has been difficult this year, particularly with being sick in one form or another for half of it.

With all of that said, 2024, it seems, is shaping up to be the transitional year - I pulled the Magician, which lends itself to a lot of power and potential. For the first half of the year, there's going to be a lot of good (or at least positive leaning) vibes up until April, supposedly - the Sun, Justice, the Empress (again), the High Priestess... all major arcana, all BDE cards. A lot of the messaging is about joy and balance and trusting my instincts. The vibes will be immaculate and everything's going to fall into place.

...Until May, which is when we can expect the Bean to make their appearance. Which... well, Five of Swords wasn't exactly the most surprising pull here. That is going to be a rough, scary transition, and I already knew it would be. But it's not forever.

We're (probably,) going to get our shit together a bit over the summer and into fall (Knight of Wands, the Chariot, 9 of Wands, King of Pentacles, the Fool) and then we're up for a setback of some kind in November (10 of Swords.) Given the context of the Fool and the overall timing, I think this is going to be related to moving Bean into their own room, and could be as simple as difficulty adjusting (for both of us tbh.) I'm not really seeing anything that indicates major issues, but the final card of the year (Judgement) is giving me a bit of an empowering message here.

Taken in aggregate, the message is clear: I have everything I need to succeed, so long as I remember not to rush important decisions and to ask for help when I need it. We can and we will achieve the balance I so desperately crave if we put the work in.

I did also do a rune reading, which overall seems to support the tarot one and gives me some additional context: likely looking at some conflict with work and family in the coming year (which I expected and which is already occuring to an extent) and my overall well-being is going to take a hit (also expected) - thurisaz and othala (r). However, my biggest pillars (my partner, my friends, and my overall... domestic situation? Home and finances lol) are going to be solid and are positive enough, in my view, to compensate - dagaz, uruz, fehu, jera, laguz. And of course the messaging is all the same: go with the flow, don't be fucking stubborn, ask for help, act with deliberation - tiwaz (r), perthro (r), eihwaz, ingwaz, mannaz.

Anyway. Yeah. Lots of big changes coming obviously, and I don't know what things are realistically going to look like six months from now, but I know whatever it is I'm going to do my best, and I'm gonna remember to breathe.

... And hopefully I can forgive myself for the times I mess up as well as I did with the bullet journal this year lol.

[halcyandaze]

question that came to me out of the blue but were there previous versions/scrapped ideas for bonomo and nova [or oc in general]?

oH BOY so I've had bonomo for over 7 years now so uhhh I do indeed got plenty of old material of those two and how they kinda evolved and changed over all that time

so lucky for you guys, for once I'm gonna *pukes in mouth a lil* ugh, share my old art from when I was 15, oof uhhh you're welcome in advance (yes I realize some of my old followers here could have been following since I was 15 but still) also since I've had these characters for so long and tie into my own life at times I may accidentally go off on some tangents but whatever

strap in folks, this is gonna be a long post

bonomo

2015: aight so I first made this lil dude in september 2015 in a sketchbook after school. didn't think much of him at the time, just a cool character design that kinda stuck around. an ex friend of mine gave him the name bonomo (I suck at naming things) but yes humble beginnings here, literally just a little guy

early 2016: ok so at this point I got attached to the design and wanted to flesh him out more. at first he was just a lil creature with a monitor head, but I wanted to run with that retro computer kind of theme and fully embraced it by making him into a robot

mid/late 2016: alright so here is when the design really started to take shape and tighten up as you can see, from this point not much changes with bonomo as far as the design goes except for just minor art style changes from here. this is where I start building more personality, being rather positive, naive, goofy

2017: here is where I really start knowing the character well and finally get all the kinks out of the design. ended up making him very expressive, taller, softer, rounder, everything past this point is peak bonomo

2018/2019/2020/2021/2022: not much to report at this point his design is pretty much solid from here

nova

early 2016: so here I first wanted to make a simple persona/self insert kinda thing and made this rough unnamed loose design of a lil alien creature, as you can see I cannot decide on a color palette to save my life

mid/late 2016: got a name for them and started calling them nova, and I finally picked a goddamn color palette and basic outfit design about damn time. at this point they went from being just a nameless self insert persona concept to be their own character instead

2017: same with bonomo, this is where I feel like I got a good solid design for them, and all of their major design has stayed the same from here on out. I also brought back/revived some elements from their very first designs in 2016 as a design for their younger self for backstory purposes, but this is still a bit rough and I put it on the back burner to shape up their current design and story before tackling their backstory

2018: not much change here except I feel my art has gotten much better at this point lol

2019/2020: at this point I have bonomo and nova's personality, design, dynamic, and story rough ideas down pretty solid so I work more on nova's past and backstory more and have nailed down the design for their younger past self

2021/2022: both versions of nova have remained pretty much unchanged from here

early 2016: both bonomo and (at the time unnamed) nova were more of just designs than the characters we know em as today. I started drawing them together around march 2016 just because I thought "oh haha a robot and alien, sci-fi cross over time" without thinking much of it

mid/late 2016: here I find myself drawing the two together more and it's at this point I realize to myself 'oh shit I can do something with this' and started to really flesh out who they are and where they came from and wanted to turn them into full characters instead of just little doodles. here I started experimenting with lore and story ideas, many of which have changed a lot or have been scrapped completely by now. at first I imagined both of them being from space, but ended up scrapping that and having bonomo be native to earth. I also didn't have a full motive for nova to come to earth yet either, but I knew they'd both be on earth at this point just causing trouble. I also was debating making their story much more depressing and even toxic at points for the two of them, even debating having bonomo leaving nova for good at some point, but that just made me sad over time so that quickly was changed

2017: here is both when their main design elements and personality start to take proper shape. I base their personalities off of exaggerated aspects of my own, bonomo being my goofy silly naive geeky half and nova being my feral stubborn paranoid half. I have also started forming the very rough idea of nova's backstory to how they arrived on earth, why they're on earth, how bonomo and nova meet, and their basic every day lives

2018: ok so now that I have their designs, personalities, and daily lives and motivations down, I start working on their actual story and have gotten it pretty solid now (but these are all spoilers so hmm ask for more info later if y'all really want uhhhhhhh)

2019/2020: at this point my art has gone from much more simple and flat color generally to much more rendered and symbolic and distorted and psychedelic, cuz this was after I dropped out of college and was battling some nasty drug addictions at the time which quite literally changed how I see the world to a much more confusing and broken and distorted place, and my art changed to reflect that. it was at this point that I started working more on nova's backstory seriously since it ties into where their story finishes

2021/2022: my art at this point was a lot of self reflection cuz I had a lot of emotions and a lot of personal growth and a lot of change in my life at this point and phew these two were really going through it in my artwork while I figured my shit out. but here we are now!

so yeah uh that's bonomo the prototype robot and nova the ex-space criminal they live in the middle of nowhere new mexico and get up to silly shenanigans and tomfoolery :]

[ohwhoopsok]

Fic self-rec meme!

Wooo @alwaysthrowsscissors knows I like to talk about myself and tagged me, here we go!!

Rules: recommend 3 of YOUR fics: 1 that is “most popular” and 2 that are “hidden gems.” Then tag some folks.

Just because of Who We Are, I’m going to sort specifically to my Supernatural fics.

Most popular: Coin Slot, E, 3k, Wincest, SQUICK WARNING 🚽

Summary:

“How much to use it?”

Dean hears Sam shrug like he hadn’t even thought about it. “Quarter?”

(Dean is a very nice toilet and Sam is willing to share for a while.)

Thoughts:

I like my most kudos’ fic, but it’s not actually one that I’m overly attached to, I don’t reread it that much. But this one has been holding it down for most hits almost since I posted it which like... It makes me laugh how paranoid and apologetic I used to be about posting kinky shit (pun intended) and then here we have a whole ass human toilet that other people clearly revisit as well lmao

Hidden Gem #1: Marching Home, M, 3k, Kevin-centric

Summary:

Apparently, the Winchesters haven’t left the county since Kevin grabbed an unexpectedly active magical item and got zapped right out of the museum. They’ve been looking for a way to get him back, Sam damn near distraught the entire time, though they insist Kevin was only gone for two days at most.

It was not just two days.

(Kevin grabbed a magical artifact that threw him back in time. His homecoming is rough.)

Thoughts:

I actually love this fic so much considering I just did it as a part of a bingo board. I don’t know, I think I was just having UA feels, but I love Kevin a lot and you know, writers’ favorite characters, dogs’ favorite chew toys, yadda yadda. I don’t know, I just really liked how it came out, it’s a different kind of raw than I usually do and I feel like I did a good job!

Hidden Gem #2: Wunjo, E, 4k, Wincest

Summary:

There’s the barest hint of sun-bleached blonde streaking through Sam’s hair from being outside all summer, flyaways starting to escape from the little tail he’s got it pulled back into. The dork is in full costume—a well-made tunic and breeches, a leather pouch hanging off his belt, and the handmade boots that Dean sent him two hundred bucks to get last Christmas, but that’s part of the appeal.

Sam looks good. It seems like he’s gotten even bigger since Dean last saw him, well-fed and filling out his clothes better than he did as a teen. And he’s happy. Dean can tell that even only judging from half his face, off center and turned down to consider his fortune.

The seer had been pointing at one of the tiles on the table, but she looks up to meet Dean’s eyes, smiling as she lets her finger drift up to follow her gaze.

(Dean and Sam get reaquainted at a summer ren fest.)

Thoughts:

I’ve been in a fairground mood all year and this one feeds into like. Idk a lot of the vibes that feel really familiar to me crossed over with the things I find hot? Like achy nostalgia, and distance, and summer heat, and shared spaces with familiar strangers, and stolen moments away from crowds, and yeah, I also just really like semi-public sex lol. All to say - I just like this one!

If you read through this, A. Thanks! B. I’m tagging you!!

Also @silver9mm @digitalmeowmix @mannequin3thereckoning? If you’d like!

[keikigoodbetter]

....howdy, everyone! Looooong time no see 😅😅

I’m sitting in my room right now, waiting as a friend drives over to spend the last few hours of 2022 with me, and I thought I’d try to put down a few of my thoughts as I reflect on the year. It’s been a while since I checked in for real with y’all and for that I am very sorry. (fwiw I dropped contact with quite a few folks irl too, so it wasn’t just you lol)

2022 repeatedly hit my blindside and hit it HARD. I spent a lot of the year in reaction-mode as surprises both good and bad kept coming at me fast; this year had some of the worst lows of my life, but also some of the best highs. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

At the risk of being too personal, here’s an overview of some of My Notable 2022 Moments:

Start the year about 8 months into a really good headspace, to the point where my psychiatrist agrees that if I’m still A-ok by springtime then I can likely step off my antidepressants!!

Help move my Grandma out of her home and into a memory care facility

Have surgery

May 7: Go dancing with friends I haven’t seen in years, to celebrate being alive and together and that I’ve finally finished my degree

May 10: Find out my parents have filed for divorce and will be selling my childhood home, that our family build by hand, by the end of the summer

May 14: GRADUATE COLLEGE!

May 15: One of my best friends goes in for surgery because her pain-management implant is no longer functional. There are complications and she needs 3 more surgeries before the month is over

Return to martial arts after years away

Help babysit the very sweet toddler-age child of someone I went to gradeschool with. (Have an existential breakdown about how old I suddenly am and how unlikely it is at this point that I’ll get to be a mom)

All summer: help clear out my Grandma’s things from her house, move my dad’s things to his new house, move the rest of our family’s things to my mom’s new house, and do repairs and cleaning at our old house

Have to start reminding myself again to get out of bed and eat and not walk into traffic

A best friend flies in from out-of-state to go with me to a disco night

See the Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup Championship Parade!

Make a great costume and go to the Renaissance Festival in drag

Officially move out of our house; August and September are time soup

A friend from college that I’ve dearly missed moves back to Colorado

SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LIVE

My brother gets injured

Our house sells

TWO of my job applications that I was really excited for pan out and I’m asked to interview for both of them. The one I like better calls and offers me the position within 3 days! I’m going to start part-time at the local library in January!!! 😭😆

I spend an amazing afternoon with a friend on a maybe-a-date... 👀

I see many friends and family and have a wonderful holiday season

  ....Realize I might feel ok again soon

 (and, as usual, I also saw a lot of great concerts this year!)

....WHEW. Like I said, it was A Lot All The Time. Sorry to overshare 😅  but I just - idk - I feel like I need to write it down somewhere so there’s a record of all the shit that I experienced in the last 12 months. And I feel like some of you are my legit friends and might care about some of these developments? lol idk 😅 sorry if that’s presumptuous.

Anyways, all this to say that I know I’m not particularly an outlier and that most people have crazy things happen all the time. That’s life! But I hope that if you had a rough year (like me), that things turn around for you soon (also like me?). There is always the promise of something wonderful happening just as much as there is the risk of something terrible; and I think growing up is learning to balance the threat of those two extremes without falling down for too long when a new circumstance hits you.

I grew so much in the last year and for the first time in a long time I’m actually excited about what the future might look like for me! 2023 will be hard and full of new challenges, but I think I’ll be ok. And I think you all will be, too.

💖💖💖

All of my love, forever and ever,

C.

[chickensarentcheap]

Esme stuff :)

@tragiclyhip​, @secretaryunpaid​, @youflickedtooharddamnit​

When you’ve got as many kids (feral ones at that) that we do, you need more than one washer and dryer.  Those are just the washers.  The dryers are on the wall behind me.

You know you’re reached peek adulthood when this is what gets you excited.

#spoiledwife

How organized is my husband, you ask?  How much does his OCD play a part in daily life?

This is his side of the closet.  And just a part of  it. You can’t see the jeans and pants and suits.  SMDH. 

Do you know how many of those shoes he never wears? How many of those shirts never make it onto his back? How many still have price tags on them? What is the freaking point, Tae?  I swear he just keeps shit so he has something to organize when he can’t sit still. 

I’d like to add that most of the drawers are empty as this is a man who only own six pairs of underwear. 

He’s been sitting there for about ten minutes, just...staring.  At nothing.

Me: “What are you thinking about?”

Him: “Stuff.”

Me: “Do you want to be more specific or...”

Him: “Guy stuff.”

Men. 

#itsboobsisntit

So now we’ve become animal rescuers and rehabilitators apparently.  About a week ago, Tae found these guys in the yard (be careful when cutting the grass folks, look for bunches that look out of place, could be a nest) and we checked on them several times a day and waited to see if mumma would come back. Nope :(    So we’re assuming they’re orphaned and my husband has informed me that we’re going to raise them.  You know, because our child rearing days just continue around here ;) 

Rough night, Nugget?

Well,  we have returned to Colorado.  Albeit very temporarily.   We still own the house there and it’s been sitting vacant for a while so that’s where we’ve settled down for the next couple of weeks.  

Sooner we can go home, the better.

#badmemories

A little back home sight seeing in the northern territory with the one who made me a mumma :)

When the husband ups his macaroon buying game 

Late last night, this one woke me up from a dead sleep to say he didn’t feel well. In his brain.   He’s been struggling with some mental health stuff and he wanted to 1) snuggle  2) stay home from school to ‘regroup’.  So we did both :). So proud of him for recognizing the signs of something going ‘wrong’ and advocating for what he needs.  Listen to your children, folks.  Don’t always assume they’re making stuff up.

On a lighter note: look at the size of those feet!

This one has had a rough few days too. Just a lot of work BS.  And when the stress rears its ugly head, so do other things unfortunately. Including his insomnia.  Well I guess it caught up to him because he went outside ten minutes ago  to just hang out with the kids and now he’s right out. Fast asleep. and snoring.

A boy was bothering her lol

Look at our beautiful grandbabies!!  And there’s another on the way!  Mum and dad are hoping for a boy this time :)

#theylovegrandpaTyler  

[jvwhyte]

SJM's pinterest board. ACOTAR 6/7.

(No conclusion just suspicious stuff lmao)

Here's a photo i found on SJM's ACOTAR pinterest board:

THE MOIRAI (Moirae) were the three goddesses of fate who personified the inescapable destiny of man (and women). The role of the Moirai was to ensure that every being, mortal and divine, lived out their destiny as it was assigned to them by the laws of the universe.

In nearly all mythologies the three Fates, rulers of the past, present and future, are represented and many believe they symbolize the Triple Goddess, Virgin, Mother and Crone (Creator, Preserver and Destroyer).

In Greek mythology, the Moirai—often known in English as the Fates—were the white-robed incarnations of destiny.

“There were at least three dozen priestesses who worked and researched and healed here, though it was nearly impossible to count them when they all wore the same pale robes and so many kept the hoods over their faces.”

Clotho (/ˈkloʊθoʊ/, Greek Κλωθώ, [klɔːtʰɔ̌ː], "spinner") spun the thread of life from her distaff onto her spindle.

(Clotho: the mute priestess at the library)

Lachesis (/ˈlækɪsɪs/, Greek Λάχεσις, [lákʰesis], "allotter" or drawer of lots) measured the thread of life allotted to each person with her measuring rod.

Atropos (/ˈætrəpɒs/, Greek Ἄτροπος, [átropos], "inexorable" or "inevitable", literally "unturning",[13] sometimes called Aisa) was the cutter of the thread of life. She chose the manner of each person's death; and when their time was come, she cut their life-thread with "her abhorred shears". The figure who came to be known as Atropos had her origins in the pre-Greek Mycenaean religion as a daemon or spirit called Aisa. Another important Mycenaean philosophy stressed the subjugation of all events or actions to destiny and the acceptance of the inevitability of the natural order of things; today this is known as fatalism.

The Morrígan or Mórrígan, also known as Morrígu, is a figure from Irish mythology. The name is Mór-Ríoghain in Modern Irish, and it has been translated as "great queen" or "phantom queen".

The Morrígan is mainly associated with war and fate, especially with foretelling doom, death or victory in battle. In this role she often appears as a crow, the badb.[1] She incites warriors to battle and can help bring about victory over their enemies. The Morrígan encourages warriors to do brave deeds, strikes fear into their enemies, and is portrayed washing the bloodstained clothes of those fated to die.[2][3] She is most frequently seen as a goddess of battle and war and has also been seen as a manifestation of the earth- and sovereignty-goddess,[4][5] chiefly representing the goddess's role as guardian of the territory and its people.[6][7]

Mor may derive from an Indo-European root connoting terror, monstrousness cognate with the Old English maere (which survives in the modern English word "nightmare") and the Scandinavian mara and the Old East Slavic "mara" ("nightmare");[14] while rígan translates as "queen".[15][16] This etymological sequence can be reconstructed in the Proto-Celtic language as *Moro-rīganī-s.[17][18] Accordingly, Morrígan is often translated as "Phantom Queen".[16] This is the derivation generally favoured in current scholarship.[19]

The Morrígan is often considered a triple goddess, but this triple nature is ambiguous and inconsistent. The triple appearances are partially due to the Celtic significance of threeness.

(Three is a VERY common number in acotar (might make a whole other post on that))

Could Mor be one of the fates or even something more powerful than them, could she have a bigger part than we thought in the next story with Koschei ?

In the Republic of Plato, the three Moirai sing in unison with the music of the Seirenes. The term "siren song" refers to an appeal that is hard to resist but that, if heeded, will lead to a bad conclusion.

In Greek mythology, the Sirens (Ancient Greek: plural: Seirênes) were dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. It is also said that they can even charm the winds.

i bet your thinking where tf is this looney going with this....well,

i also found this photo:

Celtic Mythology The GWRAGEDD ANNWN [wives of the underworld]were lake-sirens in Wales. These lovely creatures are known to choose mortal men as their husbands. One legend has it that they live in a sunken city in one of the many lakes in Wales. People claim to have seen towers under water and heard the chiming of bells. In earlier times, there used to be a door in a rock and those who dared enter through it came into a beautiful garden situated on an island in the middle of a lake. In this garden there were luscious fruits, beautiful flowers and the loveliest music, besides many other wonders. Those brave enough to enter were welcomed by the Gwragedd Annwn and were invited to stay as long as they wanted, on the condition that they never took anything back from the garden. One visitor ignored the rule and took a flower home with him. As soon as he left the island, the flower disappeared and he fell unconscious to the ground. From that day on, the door has been firmly closed and none has ever passed through it again.

“My grandmother was a river-nymph who seduced a High Fae male from the Autumn Court.”

Gwyn believes her grandmother to be a river-nymph. Is it possible that she was not but instead a lake siren? We know that Gwyn and Catrin's names are welsh (Lake-Sirens are found in wales) and the spring court has many ties to welsh mythology so is it really that far fetched?

In Celtic and Norse mythology, selkies (also spelled silkies, sylkies, selchies) or selkie folk (Scots: selkie fowk) meaning "seal folk"[a] are mythological beings capable of therianthropy, changing from seal to human form by shedding their skin. They are found in folktales and mythology originating from the Northern Isles of Scotland.

To further back up this, here is another photo of a Selkie woman on SJM's pinterest.

In David Thomson's book The People of the Sea, which chronicles the extensive legends surrounding the Grey Seal within the folklore of rural Scottish and Irish communities, it is the children of male selkies and human women that have webbed toes and fingers. When the webbing is cut, a rough and rigid growth takes its place.

Children born between man and seal-folk may have webbed hands, as in the case of the Shetland mermaid whose children had "a sort of web between their fingers",[25] or "Ursilla" rumoured to have children sired by a male selkie, such that the children had to have the webbing between their fingers and toes made of horny material clipped away intermittently.

“My twin had the webbed fingers of the nymphs—I don’t.”

Once again we see that Catrin posses traits of these water-creatures.

Keep in mind SJM has this on her board - The cover of Celtic folktales which has one story in particular of a 'sea-maiden' whom makes a deal with a mortal man.

I proceeded to continue searching through the board and found this:

Sathariel (Hebrew סתריאל, Greek: Σαθιήλ) is one of the Qliphoth, corresponding to the Sephirah Binah on the kabbalistic Tree of life. It represents the Concealment of God, which hides the face of Mercy. The form of the demons attached to this Qliphah are of black veiled heads with horns, with hideous eyes seen through the veil, followed by evil centaurs.

'veiled heads with horns'

The Qliphoth are the shadow of the Sephirot, the chaotic force that exists when the Sephirah is unbalanced. Binah is the Sephirah that gives birth to form, the great mother of the cosmos, the eternal womb. Through her, the spiritual energy of Keter and Chokmah are woven into the matrix that eventually becomes matter.

In Jewish Kabbalistic cosmology of Isaac Luria, the qlippot are metaphorical "shells" surrounding holiness. They are spiritual obstacles receiving their existence from God only in an external, rather than internal manner.

Quiphoth (shadow of sephriot) = Shadowsinger

"shells" surrounding holiness = The shadows protected Azriel

They emerge in the descending seder hishtalshelus (Chain of Being) through Tzimtzum (contraction of the Divine Ohr), as part of the purpose of Creation.

Sathariel had black feathers on his wings and his body was shrouded in darkness.

Honestly idk where tf im going with this 😩😩

I've put in far too much effort to delete it so i apologise if you've gotten all this way to be disappointed but

Conclusion:

Mor =/≠ Three fates

Gwyn = Heritage is sus? could be related to some interesting people

Azriel = Sathariel ?

If anyone has ideas to add pleaseeee tell me lol

i'll probably update this when i can be bothered

(FYI i love Gwyn and i'm not saying she's a siren or luring anyone but you've got to admit her grandmother is a sus lmao, especially with half the shit on SJM's pinterest.)

[artreider]

Station 19 rewatch: 4x14

Going to try to do another rewatch before my family wakes up. We have a lot to do today and there is a dark cloud over the house after loaing our cat this week. Here's hoping i can get through one of my favorite episodes before they get up.

Surrera is so cute here and the whole food thing, like girl where is our payoff on this baby that was so clearly teased. Or is there another medical condition that could be blamed on her excessive eating.

Im so glad maya and andy are friends again. I loge their friendship.

I'm glad andy acknowledges that getting married doesnt fix things; but i worry that if maya and carina hit a rough patch, andy will remind maya of this conversation or use her own issues with sullivan and their marriage as an i told you so.

Danielle is beautiful but does anyone else think she lost weight, random question but just looking at her in her uniform there she seems smaller and it worries me. Didnt really notice last time i watched this episode but am i alone in this.

Oh carina baby you so dont want to go. I just want to hug you.

Jack is so cute, he deserves a family so much but i really do fear he'll be killed off.

Im surprised ben reached out to Sullivan instead of dean.

I love this outfit on maya. Carina your girl is flirting with you and thinking of happier times, engage with her.

I love that maya opens up with carina about her dad and the protests and the happenings in the world with him. It shows so much growth and im here for it. Also anyone else annoyed that one carina answered gabriella's phone call when maya is opening up to her and two that she didnt turn it off for their last few hours together.

The look of like disappointment/devestation on maya's face when carina answers the call and walks away from her is too much hurt.

So sad that bailey isnt there and that ben is alone for even a second of this.

I'm glad andy and sullivan came to be there with ben. Like i get why they wanted andy but im sad after ben and Dean's episode dean wasnt there.

Oh jack, i dont even know what to say besides oh jack lol.

The drama with trash girl is too much lmao. I know its important for jack/inara but its just too much.

Carina packing up her knives being a trigger for maya like she's leaving forever is heartbreaking.

Carina snapping at maya hurts, dont be mean to baby. Also the kitchen sign is totally carina's doing and though she hadnt confided in maya yet that she is her home its a dead giveaway.

I really need screen grabs of the changing words on the sign.

The kids talk, the coming out talk and the marriage talk are all things that should not be done while packing or doing anything else.

Wait it totally sounded like she said "it felt pregnant" lmao or i just have babies on the brain.

Now carina being flirty and maya not reciprocating.

Maya you shouldve pushed the marriage talk now if it was what you really wanted. Instead of letting carina drop the i never wanted to get married bomb and walk away.

Andy and ben together, this friendship is beautiful. I feel like it took several seasons for ben to really get in good the team. Im trying to think of other moments besides the prt support and such when he really connected with folks before this season and none come to mind. He has been an outlier from my memory, tell me im wrong with examples please.

Lmao "you slept with my wife which means we are in a pod", things a pandemic makes funny.

Thats just wrong, giving gibson shit still. Dont hit the puppy with the newspaper when he's doing nothing wrong.

Once again with gabriella, seriously carina turn off your phone and be present with maya and maya alone.

Maya's jealousy is everything. This argument ugh, so good and just the tip of the iceberg.

I hope that maya does take the month break and the months after to really get to know the us immigration system and what it will take for carina to become an american citizen as well as learn more italian. I dont need her fluent but id love to see her use some italian with carina. She lost her brother who she spoke to in her native tongue itd be nice for her to gain that in her wife.

I love how carina stops herself as she raises her voice at maya, like she realizes it may be triggering to maya. I really do think the show and actresses put in a lot in this episode to show how well they know each other and have grown. I feel like they talk more even if we dont see it and maya is working on her issues with carina's love and support. I also do love how this argument ends though ;)

Once again maya opening up and finally carina is there and not sidetracked. And its nice carina opens up as well.

Ben's dream with the different versions of himself and his mom is funny and heartbreaking.

Joey in the dream lmao.

The nice thing about ben is if he gets hurt on the job and cant be a firefighter anymore he has other professions to fall back on.

Oh jack. I just want you to get your happy ending.

I still think its so weird to be talking about jack after they had sex but im glad they are in a place that is so comfortable and can laugh about him.

Once again another bomb dropped, kids. This is something that needs to be discussed properly.

Oh maya dont drop the marriage bomb like that. And i guess i dont underatand the outrage of the "just because", like why would carina think it was anything but that when it was dropped on her like that and after she said she didnt want to get married. This fight is so much about misunderstandings and hurtful comments.

I get how maya's fear gets the best of her here especially after carina said they just moved in together because they didnt want to be apart (asif that is a bad thing) and it was bureaucracy.

And i can understand why maya's fear hurts carina but they both needed to take a minute to breathe and try to talk it out.

I do like when carina tells maya to breathe, again like she knows her triggers and feels maya is on the verge of a panic attack.

If carina felt she married maya when she moved in i really dont see the harm in making it official. Would her having been moved out in italy for 6 months or more have felt like a divorce. I really need to know more about her logic here.

I agree why not just do it.

You've both said enough carina. I hate that she just walks away, so un carina like.

How did jack end up at the hospital? Was he called or what?

Andy is such a good friend this episode, checking on everyone.

Gabriella is so right noone wants to be proposed to the way maya kind of did. Like i cant help but wonder how carina would've taken a true proposal.

Im so glad gabriella spoke some truth to carina and turned her around on the marriage idea.

If we let the wrong decisionss rule how we live our lives things in the world would be so different. Less babies possibly and fewer marriages among other things.

Once again andy being a good friend this episode.

If carina hadnt shown up im curious what maya's next move wouldve been after talking to andy.

Love the proposal and love how its carina who announces they are getting married.

[protagonistheavy]

My spiritual journey through vtubers just keeps leading me to this uncomfortable emotion, hence why Im always so dumpy about them. I really do think though that if the money aspect was taken away, or idk, significantly toned down, I wouldnt feel this so badly. But as it is, watching a produced vtuber means also watching grotesque amounts of money being tossed at fictional character designs. And I always, always emphasize that it's the character design, because what else are people REALLY appealed to by these vtubers? Oh their charming personalities? Their amazing sense of humor? I dunno if Im just COMPLETELY missing the "funny ones" but every vtuber I catch has the same few jokes, which is, "making a lewd/teasing comment about in-game circumstances so that it can be applied to them (aka applied to their character design)," or "repeating a pun someone made in the chat." Am I just alone in thinking these people just arent very entertaining??? And please, please try to imagine with me how lively these folks would be WITHOUT the thousands of viewers -- imagine if there was no chat, no superchat. How entertaining are these actors? Oh-- well, don't worry, we dont have to imagine much, because most of these vtubers barely even glance at chat -- a lot of them will just ignore superchats! The thing people spend money on!! But then again, can I blame them for ignoring superchats since they always entail the same shit? "Can you please say ara ara anon-chan sugoi?" "how big are your toenail clippings?" "i love you! i hope your day is going well! today has been rough, my parents are arguing about the divorce again but whenever you stream it eases the pain and hearing your voice repeat my superchats is the only reason I stay alive. $500."

It's something so weird to me, beyond what your normal popular streamer goes through lol. The parasocial relationship between these produced vtubers and their audience, it's so public, it's so... sugary toxic. I guess I'm just traumatized from a lifetime of poverty but it really does sicken me to see people who are just... addicted to vtubers, dumping hundreds of dollars habitually just so they can sit around feeling like a vtube king. It's so clearly a sexual or fetish experience for so many people. And it drives me up a wall to see these streamers, who just objectively do not have a whole lot of talent Im sorry but they just arent great entertainers on average, it sucks to see them get hundreds of dollars thrown at them lol. Despite the fact that theyre certainly paid by the production company, despite the fact that everyone can see all the hundreds of dollars already being donated onto their laps, someone out there STILL gets the impulse to donate their own hundo, just so they can feel like, what? Tell me what theyre supposed to feel. Isn't it just a dick waving thing? "Mmm, look at me, viewers! I'm so mmmm RICH that I can GENEROUSLY hand out hundreds of dollars to this hard-working anime girl. Also, dear vtuber-chan, please say ara ara and then burp into the microphone." Im sorry but I wouldnt even care if maybe these vtubers like, earned any of this lol, but they dont. They didnt. They auctioned through a casting agency, got picked to play around as an anime girl on the internet w/ LITERALLY everything provided for them, and instantly began their "successful" careers at a modest hundred-thousand followers, subscribers, etc. So just to play catch-up, these vtubers... aren't especially entertaining hosts, they have marginal input on the designs of their own streams, have no history of being an entertainer or doing some kind of creative work, and are generated with pre-established fandoms that are set to hype them up and payout hundreds of dollars. What part of that is "successful?"

Yikes I sound pissy. But once again I find this whole thing so intriguing. Indie vtubers are a whole other story lol and nothing I say here can really apply to them. Its the production phenomenon that perplexes me. I legitimately hate to say this but I cant lie and say that I have a dark wish that Hololive gets involved with NFTs lol just so the fandom can crack a bit and maybe people would trickle out onto, idk, legitimate entertainers that actually deserve donations lol.

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

idk if u care but crispin gray recently had an interview about his entire career and it kind of changed my perspective of queenadreena…idk if for better or for worse lol. it was weird to see him so dismissive of a lot of his catalogue w katie except for ‘love your money’ just because that was the only remotely chart successful song. i get you want to be able to sustain yourself but jeez him and katie really had a weird back and forth relationship

Sorry i'm replying late, i've seen the interview pop up on Youtube but honestly i was too invested in university shit recently & generally not in the good mood for that but i'm planning to watch. How did it change your view on Queen Adreena, did he say something mean specifically on QA or Katie? I mean i gotta watch it but honestly? Not surprised in the slightest. A few years ago he was asked to describe fave songs he recorded throughout the years and he listed more of Daisy Chainsaw ones than anything else, with Love Your Money as number 1. The differences in their points of view are real something, Katie Jane absolutely HATED Love Your Money, same as Daisy Chainsaw. Kinda apparent he wanted bigger fame but DC dropped fast and QA failed to live up to their predictions.

i had a time when i liked to dig up old Queen Adreena interviews that are lost in the old internet & generally not available for years (which i planned to post on is-she-suffering but my investment in that site is... varied in its intensity). Also that was back in the days when i wrote Queen Adreena book during manic phase and tried to sell it but lost motivation Well since i don't do anything with that knowledge anyway i'll put what i know here as i love fan discussions

So they sure had/have odd back and forth love-hate relationship & that's the reason why their career went how it went. There's been a huge tension between them at some point. I'm sure you know she had a major mental breakdown (probably schizophrenic episode) after Daisy Chainsaw, or even beginning before her leaving, and then she went into isolation and lived with an old woman in Lake District for awhile. She left Daisy Chainsaw cause Crispin didn't want her to come up with her own songs (all of DC was by Crispin except for Lovely ugly brutal world by KJ).

They almost split up as Queen Adreena after Drink Me. The material for The Butcher and The Butterfly was written at different times, originally it was meant to be called Atom Bomb at Bikini but it was constantly delaying and they eventually recorded everything they've got live. So that's obvious right? But i was surprised to find out they were writing songs separately. Some of them (i forgot which though) were written by Katie Jane and Pete Howard's sons band (they're even credited) + some with Melanie Garside, Richard Adams + some other musician. Katie Jane didn't like it. They intended it to be their last album at the time. She also hated live at ICA show but they released it cause they were broke

But that's a digression. I just wanna say that at this point they were done with each other but kept pushing it. Katie had her own art projects and stuff, Crispin started Dogbones with Nomi and i just remember how vaguely pissed at Katie he waas in the interviews. Like he stressed that Dogbones is his number one priority and if Katie wants to do something with Queenadreena, she must wait til Dogbones have a break first or something, and it sounded oddly bitter.

RaCH and Djinn era are just so weird, they had opportunities but let them go in a way. I don't think many people know but they were huge demand in Japan. They entered album charts and were interviewed by 11 magazines and 6 (!)TV stations there (wtf happened to that material i want to know???). But they only played 5 times or less.

Katie said she considers the band dead but they decided they can try to play for a couple more months. But aside from that she 100% lost the interest in the band around Djinn. There's an interview where she says "the overall image is Crispin but the shape will change again at rehearsals". And you can hear it, it’s more blues rock than anything. IMO it's their worst production wise. Instruments are fine but Katie's voice is so badly produced that sometimes i find some songs fucking irritating, cause they didn’t cut out her breaths and the vocals are TOO LOUD, to the point of distorting. As if she stands too close to the mic. The album is fine but it feels unfinished.

And here we come back to Crispin... here's what he said after the QA split:

Why the Dogbones started? “I needed to work more than the previous band I was in was working, the previous band who shall remain nameless, haha… um… Queenadreena. I wanted to work more than the singer of Queenadreena wanted to work… so that’s why it started. Fine by me… but I really like to be in a band, I’m not a solo project kind of guy. The last album (‘Djin’) did come out in the UK, but it was so low key because Katie kind of disappeared so there was little point in promoting it. Personally it’s my favourite by far so it was a shame but there you go… So here are Dogbones, it’s not been an easy ride but we are trying very hard.

Ok so the bitterness is kinda apparent isn't it. I think there were two reasons why they argued so much, first musical differences. Katie at some point lost interest in loud rock music for some years and went the folk way in Ruby Throat. I have a theory that Taxidermy and Drink Me are more influenced by Katie Jane and Butcher and Djinn are more Crispin. During first albums i think Katie more actively took part in music composition and choosing arrangements. She wrote lyrics, melodies but also composed a lot of songs on some little electronic keyboard thing and 4 track (Heavenly Surrender, Pray for me, My Silent Undoing, all Lalleshwari +more). Plus she wanted more peaceful/dreamy sound on Taxidermy than full on rock, Crispin complained about it in some 00's interview, that he'd like it to be more rock. Then there are 2 versions of Drink Me, the original has rough and alt versions of songs (it was sold by Katie and it's leaked on FB and probably YT). Crispin Gray apparently really hated the final Drink Me. Now next album is The Butcher & The Butterfly and it's more standard blues rock, no more crazy dreamy things of previous albums etc., Djinn is even more blues rock but darker. Djinn was his favourite at some point while KJ hated Butcher, not sure about Djinn. So i think they had different views on where they should go, Katie made her weird simplistic creepy tunes (like Lalleshwari) and folk melodies adding that strange things to noise rock. Crispin probably wanted blues & rock.

Other than that, i’m convinced they are bitter exes, lol. There’s been rumours about them dating during Daisy Chainsaw for years, plus Katie had a history of dating band members. Crispin wrote X-ing off the days about her. I don’t know if they dated again in Queen Adreena. Then there’s this interview, timeline is unclear, either The butcher & the butterfly or later:

„Katie writes all the songs herself and often looks for melodies and structure with the drummer. With Crispin - her husband or ex-husband, which is not entirely clear to me - for almost three years she has no longer been in a room. "Sometimes we send him a letter with a new song and that's all we can do. All we have are our lungs and our musical talent and we have to do with it. It is repugnant difficult life, I know most of the time how I should deal with it." But Queenadreena will still remain even exist? "I think so, we are now pretty busy and I see where the ship aground.”

I always wondered what exactly happened after Djinn, i’ve seen Katie Jane say „i think they gave up on me” while others said she disappeared. Other times CG said there’s no bad blood between them but at the same time there’s been some weird tension.  As of recent i thought they reconnected somehow through the internet and had a good relation but who really knows.s

I get why Crispin gets irritated when people compare everything he does to „stealing from KJ” but honestly, he gave them good reasons, at least in the 90’s. I can believe Starsha Lee singer isn’t copying Katie cause she’s from Brazil or something and she didn’t know Queen Adreena before. But everything else… Crispin’s problem is that he doesn’t know what he wants. He spent 90’s chasing something, tried singing himself, had girl singer replacements and even one KJ copy. Dogbones was ironically his most original non-Katie band, even with all their grunge influences. In a way he wants to be a frontman and at the same time doesn’t. Idk if he’s very controlling, but Daisy Chainsaw shows he valued his songs/lyrics first & in Queen Adreena he had to step back a lot, cause Katie’s condition was she would be in charge of the lyrics. I don’t think he realizes how strongly Daisy Chainsaw issues affected Katie, i mean from her own words you can read that aside from media attention/hate, her being unable to write lyrics had a role in her breakdown. I think she now let go but for years she hated remembering Daisy Chainsaw and she felt kind of worthless cause she was only somebody else’s mouthpiece. I’m not trying to say he’s cruel or anything, but i firmly believe rock lyrics writers should sing their own songs or else there are problems.

They both were writers-composers with different vision and i have impression they struggled a lot while shaping their songs, cause they both stuck to their ideas. Hence 2 versions of Princess Carwash maybe. Katie once said that he „gets terribly upset with her” cause she writes her songs on a simple wind organ and uses a few chord buttons only. Clash of writer ways/personalities/egos and at some point they had to let go.

Maybe he prefers music/bands where he was 100% in control including lyrics (note he wrote/sang some lyrics in Dogbones too). Daisy Chainsaw achieved bigger success US and UK wise as they were offered to play Top of The Pops, and they’re more well liked/remembered by „general alt public”. Queen Adreena however is way more valued as a cult band, with cult following and admiration in UK & France. Most people think Pretty Like Drugs and other QA songs are his best work and he probably finds it irritating cause truth is, he never managed to be more successful than Daisy Chainsaw/Queenadreena. Love Your Money is ironically the least Crispin Gray/DC/QA sounding song in my opinion. I kinda find it irritating that he downplays Queen Adreena cause it was probably his best work in this band but whatever

So yeah sorry for the word spill, that’s what i can think of it right now but as i said, i haven’t watched the interview yet, it’s just this kind of treatment is in a way consistent for him

[curiosityjams]

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

[umlindsay]

Just thinking about how around April of last year (it’s all a blur now tbh so who even knows) I was really having a tough time—I was sick with covid, I had so many steep medical bills and worries about school bills and being able to help take care of my brother and anxiety and just a lot of tough shit going on..... and so many of y’all on here helped me in any way you could, even with some money and each bit of it helped me out and just feeling cared for and like I could breathe a little better was a huge help through the absolute darkest part of that experience and wow... people are so good and even when shit is awful I will always have y’all and remember what you’ve done for me—then and so many other times with love and kindness and silly comments. This year has been pretty rough too for sure and medical bills never seem to stop coming in for me lol but all of you have helped brighten things up in my life in ways you may never know and I feel more capable to take on the tough stuff and it’s crazy but I’m not as scared as the unpredictable nature of life as I was last year because I have folks like you all in my life. Love y’all and really proud of the kindness we create when we’re at our best on here.