#anyway would love to not be like. swamped with huge miserable terrible feelings at the absolute slightest pretext | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aeide-thea · 1 year ago

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do you ever think abt like. how it takes you twice as much work to arrive at half as much personhood and by the time you've managed to scrape yrself together that far the ppl you were trying to join in with have moved on

#that sounds really morose and i guess it is but i'm resigned to it really at this point #just like. doing SO much work recently to be such a pathetic skeleton of a conversationalist #and it's not like it hasn't also brought me joy but like. the reward for trying is what. that you get to keep trying??#and it doesn't even get easier exactly!#i mean i guess pieces of it do‚ and then sometimes that progress lets you hack away at the bits you couldn't even touch before #but it's like. who am i even doing it for. ''''me.'''' who is that and why do they deserve anything at all from me #tired and sad in a way that's just like. not even active anymore just ground into my pores like dirt.#still here. still halfheartedly intermittently trying.#but it IS hard to be like. wow i made SUCH huge efforts and where did they get me.#only about as far as 'being able to communicate my uselessness instead of being in a blackout hole abt it.'#which like. is simultaneously radical enormous progress and also. absolutely nothing at all.#anyway would love to not be like. swamped with huge miserable terrible feelings at the absolute slightest pretext #but. what can you do!#journaling #feelingsblogging

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