#and i just couldnt sleep
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i was at ren faire all day!!! my brain hurts !!!!
#i had fun#i saw scottish dancing a joust#i almost cried at the scottish stuff for some reason?? it made me that happy IDK#two people commented on me eating a pickle in a teasing manner#i hugged a random man#he was very kind and cool he worked there#i screamed so much#OH my knight in the joust won#i spent too much money#I WOKE UP AT 6#and i fell asleepâŠ. at like 3#i tried to sleep early but i got home from work yesterday at like 11:30 n ha#had to shower n get my stuff together#and i just couldnt sleep
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itâs like you were put on this earth to bother rafe.
everyday, without fail, come some sort of requestârafe, letâs go get coffee. rafe, i want ice cream. rafe, i wanna go to bed. he tells you to go to bed and you whine immediately after, letting out a faint ânot alone! not what i meant!â before he rolls his eyes, one huge hand settling on your hip and the other one on your back, throwing you over his shoulder and taking you to bed.Â
once you finally get him there itâs all laughs and giggles and avoiding his gaze, getting shy again, refusing to tell him what you really want. he rolls his eyes and gives it to you hard, like he knows you need it, so youâll fall asleep and let him finish his work in silence. and it worksâfor a few hours, that is. then you're up again, usually with more requests.
ârafe, theyâre having a sale.â you fiddle with your R pendant, the way you always do when you want something and canât find the words to just ask for it. for a girl pawing at his dick and begging for it raw half the time, you get awfully shy.Â
âso? how many fuckinâ clothes do yâneed?âÂ
âyouâre the one who keeps ripping âem up! not my fault-â
he rolls his eyes, running a hand through his hair.
"knock it off," he says, coming out louder and more frustrated than he meant.
then he watches you quiet down and scroll on your phone, biting your cheek. he thinks he messed up and made you cry. he feels bad the second it's done, because thereâs definitely some pretty, tiny dress pulled up on the screen that you want to show him.Â
he knows how your brain works at this pointâyou want him to get it for you, take you out to a cute dinner so you can wear it and then have him yank it off of you later that night. you wonât ask for it though, thereâs your shyness again.Â
you feel bad when he actually does buy you anything more than a six-dollar latte or a big ice cream that you canât finish.
"what're you looking at?" he finally asks, not even a minute later, looking at your body resting on the complete other side of the bed now.
"nothing."
"you gonna do this right now?"
"do what?"
"just show me what you want."
"no, it's nothing. i'll just ask my other boyfriend for it, it's fine-"
before your sentence is finished, he's already on top of you, squishing your cheeks together, pinning you down. he stares into your eyes, maybe expecting tears, but they don't come. instead you look... satisfied. satisfied with yourself for riling him up like you wanted.
"yeah? other boyfriend?"
"jus' a joke, rafey." your voice comes out all quiet and squeaky since he's holding your face tight. your eyes are big and wide staring up at him. he hates that he's getting hard right now. he lets you go, rolling off and feeling your body sink into his bed.
âget your ass in the car.â it comes out as a statement, not a request. you comply immediately, leaning over to give him a wet, sloppy kiss before stumbling out of bed to grab your shoes. he gets up too, looking for his keys, when you come right back to give him a hug. you press your head against his chest, arms wrapped tight around his neck, eyes fluttering shut, breathing in his scent.
âthank you, rafe,â you murmur against his shirt.
âyeah, yeah, whatever,â he starts, but you donât miss the way the tops of his ears are flushed with pink. âget the fuckinâ address for that place out-â
he does take you out to dinner, a cute place where he pulls out your chair for you and holds your hand in his on the table. he gets you flowers that match the color of your new dress, which are resting in the backseat of his car now. he kisses your cheek when he helps you put your jacket back on. then he slaps your ass when youâre getting into the passenger seat of his truck, because now itâs his turn to have fun with that dress.
later that night, close to sleep, you paw at his arm and ask for ice cream. the two of you are on the road five minutes later. he turns his head at the red light to watch you lick your cone. then you hold it up to his mouth so he can have some too, smiling and laughing when he takes a big bite.
he's starting to think he likes when you bother him for stuff.
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one downside to digital mediums of art is that you cant see the tear stains (they just slide down the screen)
#turtlearts#tf2#team fortress 2#not even gonna lie i dont think ive ever struggled to draw as much as i had during this time#these are also a couple months old . and oh my god#i literally thought i was going insane. deep in the clutches of 3/4 head hell and i couldnt escape#like no sleep levels of drawing the same thing again and again until i either got exhausted or just gave up#when the therapist and psych nurse i had at uni said that i have ocd tendencies maybe they were onto something lowkey#side note but thanks to tf2 spy i got a butterfly knife trainer bc i wanted to do tricks#unfortunately i lost the knife :(( but i did learn a couple (really simple) tricks which was neat :)
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âirreplaceableâ
the one word where morty figured out this wasnât really rick.
and no wonder morty believes rick could just up and replace him any day. because thereâs infinite versions of him, after all. because thereâs infinite other things that are better than him. because, for the longest time, every other day, rick kept on telling him how replaceable he is.
no wonder he was scared that hug wouldn't have been real.
but, truth is, rick wouldâve jumped after him (if he had thought morty was in real danger).
truth is, rick would have performed in front of a crowd for him.
truth is, rick would anything, just about anything, for him. he would travel the longest distances just to get him back. he would spoil him with gadgets and gifts. he would forgo the chance to see his wife again just so he could spend the rest of the evening with him.
truth is, morty was wrong.
#rick and morty#morty smith#rick sanchez#fear no mort#words#CAN YOU TELL IM STILL NOT OVER THIS#i dont even know if this has a point or anything#but i just.. im just not okay#iiiiiiii dont know aaaaaaaaaaugh#i couldnt sleep last night just thinking about this episode#my brain is the private property of these two
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welcome back to my accidental newfound journey to redraw every frame from this movie i GUESS
#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#erik lehnsherr#magneto#snap sketches#hello chat. i started watching a new miniseries and i decided i needed to draw something while i did so#series was edge of sleep. if Y'CARE. i thought it was solid .... surely gon be thinkin of the endin for a bit me thinks ..#but yeah NATURALLY. since twitter was putting the screenshot on my timeline ANYWAY.#can we tell i just wanted to draw this fuckass pose because TRULY i was not drwaing All That in the background#i can draw planes/machines but thats when i plan(e) to alright im not free styling that after renderin the bloke#unfortunately i couldnt just leave him in the white void so. we Kinda Try round here i guess#anyway next time i draw movieverse it gon be another scene redraw look at that !!!!!!#ive got silly non-redraws in mind too i swear ...... for now i just have shapes and scenes to appreciate#because the shapes of michael fassbender fascinate me in ways i must draw#ok im sleeping now im talkin nonsense !!!! i have a test in the morning </3 the world is so cruel .....#goodnight everyone :]]]]
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shoutout to agent stone for being the prettiest man alive
#i was supposed to be working on my school work#but oh well#um. um. yeah. whatever.#my ipad is almost dead again omfg#k im gonna go pretend to do work now - is gonna go read fanfics#my art#stobotnik#idk what to tag this#dr robotnik#agent stone#(btw i really like stones fandom name ive seen on ao3. aban is such a pretty name)#(its canon to me)#also fun fact i couldnt care less about sonic im here just for these two.#as ive said before: theyre like the most dysfunctional functional qpr ever#k i should go sleep actually
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pretend | alexia putellas x reader
Alexia contemplates her feelings as you pretend a drunken kiss between you two never happened.
contains: angst, some making out, barçafemeni!reader, avoidant!reader, just a lot of angst tbh | word count: 2k+
a/n: not proofread, just wrote this cause i couldnt sleep and was listening to lizzy mcalpine's hate to be lame which gave me this idea
it's always on the tip of my tongue but i stop myself from saying it tell myself it's not the right time or something dumb
The last night of the Champion's League celebration was supposed to be just like any other victory partyâloud, drunk, messy. On nights like this, it was natural to make a fool of yourself.
Alexia was never immune to the drunken stupidity â the typical drunken dancing and singing, foolish antics that got the team laughing. (In one victory party, Alexia found herself dancing with someone else's sports bra wrapped around on her head.)
But on that particular night, her drunken act of stupidity wasn't just loud karaoke or making a fool of herself. No, it was way different.
At some point, during the night, you two had gotten drunk and began grinding on each other at the dance floor. It was normal for teammates to get a bit touchy during parties so no one bat an eye but Alexia knew this thing happening between you two was different.
It started with playful dancing then you somehow found a way to plant a few kisses on her neck. It didnât take long until you two ended up stumbling into the vacant restroom, kissing each other desperately.
Some kind of tension has always lingered between the two of you before but Alexia always chalked it up to the two of you being newly single. She always brushed it off, thinking it might just be her reading into things. Afer all, you have always been her type and she figured she might be interpreting your dynamic through wishful thinking.
But that night, that small tension she felt burst into something more, and she understood that this meant it wasn't just her who felt attraction towards the other.
She felt your hands desperately cling onto her as you locked lips. Your tongue glided on her bottom lip before ultimately finding its way into her mouth. You took turns pinning each other against the flimsy walls of the cramped stall.
Alexia's hand has found it way to your neck, gently tilting your head up with it before pressing her mouth against your neck to kiss, lick, and bite at you. You gasped in satisfaction as the taller girl kissed your neck.
You grabbed her face again to kiss her deeper, more intensely. Alexia felt that this was the type of kiss that could lead to something more; the likelihood of you crossing that line increasing with every minute that passed.
You gently pushed her off of you, as you tried to catch a breath. Your eyes remained locked as you stayed within close proximity. After a while, you noticed the hunger in Alexia's eyes simmer down into something more... soft and intimate.
This time, Alexia gently touched your face and moved to capture your lips again but this time, you looked away and avoided her kiss. You sighed before hurriedly unlocking the stall, walking out the restroom, and leaving Alexia all alone without even a goodbye.
Alexia felt dumbfounded. She thought that this kiss was your way of addressing the tension, a way of telling her that maybe you felt attracted to her too. But with the sudden exit, she began to doubt herself.
She wanted to talk to you about it the next time you saw each other but it became immediately evident to her that you were set on pretending like nothing happened.
You still joked with her in training, still bantered with her, tell stories like normal. You acted exactly like you did before; it was as if she dreamt up the kiss.
She played along like nothing had shifted, like your kiss had been meaningless. She even laughed at your jokes during training. But every word felt like a lie, every shared laughter felt like a stab.
In her mind, she wished you'd at least act different. She would rather you hated her or avoided her, somethingâanything to confirm that there was something real, something more.
But you acted like it was nothing.
She felt like she was going crazy, even doubting her own sanity at some point. She spent the past few months trying to forget it ever happened. But the more she tried, the more it hurt her. Because how could you pretend that all of that was nothing... when it felt like everything for her.
But then you kiss me like you do And we're right back where we started from
It was Pinaâs birthday.
Alexia initially didn't want to go. It was in the middle of the season and she knew that the team captain being there meant everyone would be too hesitant and shy to drink, knowing she was around.
But she knew how Pina was, and she knew Pina would pester her endlessly if she didn't at least make an appearance.
So, she did. She went to the place late and much to her surprise, most of the team was behaving. A few of the players were nursing a bottle of beer but nothing excessive. She figured she must have done something right for her teammates to be so well-disciplined even without her hovering around them.
Well... she thought that until she saw you.
Of course, she's drunk. She thought to herself.
You were already tipsy, practically glowing, and laughing too loudly. The sight of you sent a jolt of something unfamiliar through her.
You had your arms wrapped around Caro, who was trying too hard to help you sober up by making you drink from a bottle of water. Alexia sighed and made her way to save Caro from your drunkenness.
Caro gave her a thankful look as she took over in aiding to you. She let you drape your arms around her as she wiped the stray hairs that stuck to your face.
"In the middle of the season?" She asked you in a stern voice. "Really?"
You frowned at her. "You wouldn't get it."
Alexia just sighed as she continued what Caro was doing, desperately trying to get you to sober up. "Did something happen?"
You stayed silent but you were too easy to read when you were drunk. Your glazed expression gave away that you were going through something. You still had an arm wrapped around Alexia, as if to keep yourself balanced, but you were also trying to avert your gaze away from her.
Alexia sighed. "I should take you home."
You bit your lip but you nodded. Alexia sighed and held your waist as you kept an arm around her; she was afraid if she let go, you'd fall over.
The car ride was silent. She wanted to talk to you about why you were getting irresponsibly drunk, why you seemed upset and... why you acted like your kiss never happened. But instead, she stayed silent, and as did you.
Alexia pulled up to your apartment building. After she parked, you unclasped your seatbelts but neither of you made a move to exit the car.
Alexia sighed. "Do you wanna talk... about anything?"
You shifted your gaze towards her, taking in how pretty she looked tonight. She was wearing a leather jacket on top of a cropped shirt, revealing a sliver of her abdomen. Your eyes now fluttered to her face. You took in her warm eyes, her nose, her lips. She looked so besutiful even under the dim lighting. You thought, fuck, why does she have to be so gorgeous?
You hummed. "I'm sorry I took you away from the party... especially since you look so good tonight."
Alexia started growing anxious as you said those words. "Well, I didn't really plan on going anyway..." Alexia said.
Drunkenly, you reached out to cup her face and guiding it upward so she'd meet your gaze. You stayed that way for a bit, just looking at each other's eyes. Until finally, you couldn't take it.
You leaned in and captured her lips in a kiss. It was more gentle than before, more intentional. As you pulled away, you studied her expression but Alexia just looked pained.
She sighed and looked away, causing your hand on her cheek to drop. She took a deep breath as she gripped the steering wheel with her hands and rested her head on top of it.
Emotions were overwhelming her. This was the long overdue confirmation she wanted from you so bad yet... it felt so wrong.
After a minute, Alexia finally spoke. "Why?"
"Huh? Why what?" You asked back.
She lifted her head slightly and locked eyes with you again. "Just... why?"
You sighed. "I don't know... I just want to kiss you."
Alexia looked exasperated. She took a moment to think. Do you remember last time? Why did you act like it never happened? Why do you want to kiss me now? Why do you only want to kiss me when you're drunk? Do I mean something? Do the kisses mean something? Do you... like me like I like you?
She had a million questions flying around her head but she settled on one. "Tell me honestly. Do you remember the last time we kissed?" She locked eyes with you and this time, you could see pain behind them. She tried to be firm with the way she asked but the vulnerability seeped through.
You blinked at her. âI think about it all the time,â you admitted before you could even consider lying; your inebriation made you too honest.
Alexia chest tightened as she felt hurt by the admission. Am I not supposed to be happy... that she thinks about it too like I do?
Before she could react, you were trying to lean in again as your face cupped her cheek, trying to kiss her. And that's when Alexia snapped into clarity.
No. You were drunk. This wasnât... healthy. She couldnât let herself do this again, not when everything between you was so confusing, so undefined.
âNo,â Alexia whispered, gently pushing you away, though her hands shook with the desire to do exactly the opposite.
You looked at her with an expression that could only read as upset to Alexia but she tried to ignore it as she unlocked your car door. "I think you should go."
You stayed steady for a minute, twiddling your thumbs then staring at her but she kept her head low, trying so hard not to look at you until you finally stepped out without another word.
Hate to admit but it might be true Hate to admit but I think you knew Hate to be lame but I might love you
After that night, as expected, you didn't acknowledge the kiss. But this time, you started acting cold.
No more joking around. No more banter. You'd be laughing it up with the other Barça girls but as soon as Alexia came over, you'd bail and make an excuse to avoid her.
It was killing her, just being like this. Mapi had taken notice and pulled Alexia aside to ask if she was alright, which Alexia just hesitantly nodded.
Mapi didn't believe it for a moment. "Is it because of..." Mapi trailed off as she discreetly turned her gaze towards you as you were busy on your phone in the locker room.
Alexia sighed and said nothing but that was enough confirmation for Mapi. She sighed. "You need to talk it out," She said. "It's kinda affecting your dynamic on and off the pitch."
Alexia knew Mapi was right. Not only was it taking a toll on her emotions to be dealing with this awkward tension and silent avoidance, it wasn't long before shit gets worse and the team performance is affected. If it was only affecting her, she would have dropped the whole issue but she knew this was beyond you and her.
She caught you before training the next day, her voice sharp but shaking as she confronted you. "Can we talk?"
You sighed and nodded. "Yeah, Capi?"
She winced at the nickname, knowing that it was your tactic to distance yourself from her. Just another subtle way of deflecting.
âI know you feel the same way,â Alexia blurted it out, her words tumbling out too quickly. She regretted being so outright but she also no longer wanted to waste time. She had to do what she had to do.
Alexia sighed as she ran her hand through her hair. âAnd... it hurt when you acted like nothing happened. Like it didnât matter.â Her chest heaved with the weight of everything she hadnât said.
You stayed silent which just forced Alexia into doing all the talking. "I don't know what's going on with you but... why me? Why are you roping me into this?"
"It's nothing." You muttered.
Alexia grew frustrated. "Bullshit."
"What do you want me to do, Alexia?" Your eyes finally met hers.
"I don't know." She groaned. "Admit you like me too... or even just admit you kissed me. Tell me why you did. Tell me if it mattered. Fuck, I'd settle with you telling me it was a mistake. I just... need to hear from you that..."
"Nothing happened,â you said firmly, almost as if to convince yourself as much as her.
Alexiaâs heart sank. She was there just begging for you to admit it did, even if you say it was a mistake; she just needed to hear it from you. Instead, you denied her again.
âButââ
âDrop it,â you snapped, turning quickly, rushing away before she could say anything more.
She watched you go, her hands shaking at her sides. There was nothing more she could do. She was left standing there, confused and hurt, unable to understand why it hurt so much. How could you pretend it meant nothing when everything inside her screamed that it meant everything?
Do I love her? Do I need her? Do I want her? Do I care enough to say That I love her, that I need her? 'Cause I don't but I wanna feel okay
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and Alexia still couldn't forget what happened.
Your dynamic on the pitch suffered for a bit but it recovered. And pretty soon, you were acting normal again around her.
As if nothing, nothing at all, had happened.
For a while, Alexia had convinced herself she had moved on from it. It was just two kisses, she told herself on multiple occasions. You don't even like her that much.
But there were nights when she couldn't help but be consumed with confusion and frustration. She hated how it happenedâhow you treated her, how you pretended nothing was real.
On most days, she hated you. She acted normal around you, sure, but there was an added layer now. Everything was more guarded. Even if she asked you often how you were and laughed at your jokes, your relationship was hurt and it could never go back to how it was.
And even if she did despise you for what you did... she still couldnât stop the way her heart raced when she saw you. She couldnât shut off the part of her that still hoped that maybe, one day, you'd admit to her that it did happen and maybe that you feel a certain softness for her too.
But she knew it wasn't happening any time soon and now, all she can do is what you do best â pretend.
#Spotify#couldnt sleep so what do i do... write angst#sorry i know i promised fluff but WHAT CAN I DO WHEN THE DESIRE TO WRITE ANGST TAKES OVER#this is literally unedited unreviewer not proofread just me typing rapidly on the tumblr mobile app#hope u still enjoy#woso community#woso fic#woso fanfic#woso x reader#woso imagine#alexia putellas x reader#alexia putellas fic#alexia putellas fanfic
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girl is absolutely flabbergasted by what just happened.
#murder drones cyn#murder drones tessa#tessa james elliot#ghost tessa au#murder drones fanart#i couldnt sleep so i made this uhhh#this was funnier in my head#oopsie daisy!!!#yall i swear im cooking with more art#just you wait :3
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pharos (p3 drama cd new moon)
#persona 3#persona 3 reload#pharos#ryomina#p3#p3r#cant stop thinking about this cryptic fvcker#truly the sleep paralysis demon#pharos with makoto hairstyle but a little bit longer#hope i got the kanji right i couldnt find the jp transcript so i just went by ear and searched stuff KHFSKLDGS#iruiruart
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megatron's specialest little guy, the reason we can't have shit in detroit
#transformers#maccadam#transformers animated#tfa#soundwave#tfa soundwave#transformers fanart#raud posts art#doodles#he is just so shaped#drew these at 5 am i couldnt sleep cause hes in my brain
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mira !!! :]
#isat#in stars and time#isat mirabelle#isat spoilers#<- due to act 3 optional content !#the img might be being chewed due to weird canvas size oops ah well#one of these miras is not like the other#one of these miras doesnt belong ASFASFSDAFA#a majority of these are based on things mentioned / that happen in the house cuz i thought itd be fun to draw :D#so like the wilting plant is from gardening room dialogue#the poster with ppl holding hands and sparkly eyes is (i think??) from some SAPSAPSAAP dialogue in one of the first rooms#i tried looking around ISAT to see if it's also in there too but couldnt find it so uh correct me if im wrong if thats NOT an exclusive LOL#side note the 2 in the poster are some old nuz ocs isatified ASDFASFA#funnily enough tho they are from 2 different games if they actually ever met they would hate each others guts i think. hmm...#however both are also the most qualified to help with promotional stuff so theres that ASDFAFA#mira looking at her bonding proposals is sorta on the tin but#the fact that she has like right next to her while she sleeps in her dresser makes me :(#cuz to me it potrays how much theyve been weighing over her cuz of how close shes been keeping them with her vs putting them on a bookshelf#or something idk if that makes sense i dont have proper words atm#but uhhh moving on chalkboard is from one of the optional events#which i think is! important!!! i dont think ive seen many ppl talk about it but!! yeah!#however i too do not have words on it atm but!!! yeah!!!! moving on for now!#the 'mira' that is really just the change god is ofc from the change god event :]#aaand ofc the iconic finish from mira towards the king#and then some misc miras with swords for funsies tbh ASFAFA#but yeah! i like mira a lot actually but as with many things i do not currently have many words to properly articulate *why*#all i know in my heart of hearts is that she is near and dear and special to me personally#one day. one day i will be able to gather my thoughts in a cohesive manner but that day. is not today!#anyway tag talk over :]
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AGH happy (definitely-not-late) bday to mr jamil viper đđ and thank u harveston jamil for coming home as well as two of his bday cards đđ„
#i put WAY too much effort into this and;; i dont even like it 100% đ#i gave up on the patterns </3#but anyways#thank u jamil for ruining my life ily#also happy holidays everyone (itâs literally still back-to-school season)#actually technically it's already christmas in the philippines#so uhhh#it fits???#thank u harveston sledathon for the perfect timing#[ââŠ-#-⧠my art#twst#twisted wonderland#twst art#jamil viper#harveston sledathon#-âŠâ]#also also i havent??? posted art in almost a week???#das crazyyy#i got sick the day after his bday when i was supposed to be finishing up his art >:[#then i just lost all energy for a bit i couldnt do anything đ#anyways itâs like. 4am i cant sleep#so i decided to just finish up his bday art đ€#who knew drinking thai boba milk tea at 5pm wouldnt be such a good idea#i feel like iâm unnecessarily rambling more than usual lmao sorry đ
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Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between
#to be or not to be. that is the question#ty adam for being my model for dramatic vampire moment#musings on the thinkings about:#when to live you are required to hurt others. you must repeatedly ask yourself what the value of your life is#To sleep... perchance to dream...#ah. THERES THE RUB.#ok I actually couldnt come up with too many thoughts. I had a lot more while I was drawing this but I guess I put them in the painting LOL#reading that soliloquy and being like damn this is just like vampires#the reality of course is that the soliloquy is a debate over suicide and ultimately making the choice to live#even if just out of fear of the unknown#and vampires are about dying and then in undeath choosing to continue to live#despite the fear of eternity and loneliness and hurting others#theyre not the same. but like let me thiiink come onnnn I'm allowed to thiiink and have incomplete thoughts#I would have to write like a proper essay about this to organize my thoughts. this is the tags on a tumblr post.#anyways finished episode 79#working on patreon stickers for this month (and next month soon)#and working on book 4. taking a pause from episodes cause I've got 3 weeks of buffer now... UGH#I'm so mad that they changed it. it would have been 5 weeks before but it's fine it's whatever#anyways yeah taking a break from episodes to make my book now!#its good stuff.#and this painting is good stuff#banger after banger from me tbh#this was a little relaxing giving myself a couple hours to muse#it's necessary for my health and I always forget that til I do a painting...#I loved doing the little landscape in the background too I should do that more! I love how plants are just like whatever shape you want#like you can make up any plant you want and not only does that plant PROBABLY exist somewhere#a weirder plant exists somewhere too. so. literally whatever you want#ok bye again for a few days while I get back to work
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my body's aching like a knock-down drag-out
and my poor heart is an open wound A Childhood Friends Au snippet that very briefly delves into Danny's life post-accident. CW: Mild Mentions of Blood, Violence, VERY mild gore ig. Danny briefly recalls getting impaled during a fight.
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What they don't tell you about being dead is that it hurts. That it can hurt. That it can hurt more than when you were alive. That when you die, the emotions you die with stick with you like a leech that just won't let go. That emotions are ugly little thorns that stick their barbs into you and grow beneath your skin; or, at least, whateverâs left of it.Â
Danny is familiar with anger. It kept him warm in Gotham, when his parents weren't home from work and he and Jason were crowding Crime Alley with their presence. It kept him warm in Amity, when the fresh sting of moving was still needling into his heart and he wanted nothing more than to rip and tear into the closest person next to him.
He's familiar with violence. With fights. With death. He's seen people die in Crime Alley probably every day. From overdose, from gunshots, from stab wounds; anything that can kill, rest assured he's seen it. He's familiar with getting his own knuckles rough and bloody when other kids turn and bare their teeth at him and Jason; they're all just starving dogs stuck in a fighting pit, primed and ready to rip out each other's throats.Â
Black eyes, stomped hands, bloody noses. You name it; heâs had it. Gotham is paved with the blood of her children, and Danny likes to imagine that when he was born, the doctors handed his mother a file and told her; âTake it. Heâs going to need it for his teeth.âÂ
Dannyâs mom (and dad, for that matter) was too busy trying to keep him and Jazz fed, so Danny stole the file from her drawer with Jazzâs help, and did it himself. Â
Heâs familiar with anger, he thought he was getting better at it these days. It doesnât come to him as easily as it did before. Of course, that was before Jason died.Â
Danny is less familiar with grief. Caring kills and Gotham kills the caring, so Danny cares very little about other people. Or he tries to. But grief hurts. His grief hurts. It hurts too much. It hurts like a bug trying to crawl out of his chest; like a rat chewing a hole through his heart. Some days he wants to dig his hands into his hair and split himself down the middle. Some days he just wants to scream.Â
Heâs dead. Heâs dead. Heâs dead.Â
He wants the whole city to hear him wailing, some days. It sticks itself in the back of his throat like bile, and Danny is one wrong retch away from letting it loose. It sticks in his lungs like all the tar heâs smoked in since he was nine. It pushes and aches at his temples, in his head, like his brain is trying to swell out of his skull. His thoughts becoming so loud they threaten to commandeer his tongue. Â
He has no mouth, but he must scream.Â
Something they donât tell you about being dead is that it hurts. That it hurts more than when you were alive. Something they donât tell you about being dead is that itâs violent. That itâs bloody. Or as bloody as it can be when everyone has no blood.Â
Another thing they donât tell you about being dead, is that itâs a lot like Gotham that way.
With no threat of death, Dannyâs enemies forget death itself. Blood comes easy, like water, and teeth are encouraged. Bring your own fangs to the fight. Dying is something you can just walk off.Â
Dannyâs been dead for three months. He canât say heâs been walking it off easy. Heâs perfected the art of turning his nails into claws since his heart was still beating, but he canât say heâs perfected fighting other ghosts.Â
Scrappy is just not enough.Â
He feels like heâs back in Gotham again. Back in her death-shroud alleyways, fighting someone bigger than him. But thereâs no Jason to watch his back, and Danny has to get himself out of there alone. Or he might just not get up at all.Â
Black eyes, busted lips. Itâs familiar to him like an old scent, Danny isnât quite sure that heâs missed it. Itâs more familiar than his fights with Dash.Â
But thereâs no one else who can do it but him. Not Sam, not Tucker. He canât lose them too. He canât. He canât. He canât. His heart canât take another break, he already feels like heâs going insane.Â
With no threat of death, Dannyâs enemies fight like death themself. He learns why when Technus puts a street sign through his stomach one day. It pins him to the asphalt like a moth pinned by its wings.Â
Danny claws at the metal like how an animal caught in a trap chews off its leg, and every move is blinding pain. He thinks he was howling, but itâs hard to tell. He couldnât recognize the sound of his voice.Â
He bleeds green. It mixes in black with the pitch blackhole in his heart, which throbs and twists and cries in time with his reckless panic. The finger-choking terror of dying again strangles out the air he doesnât need. His blood evaporates, only to reabsorb into him. It just bleeds out again, cycling like a snake eating its own tail.Â
Danny breaks his nails clawing at the metal, and eventually gets it in his mind to pull it out. So he does, and the end drips ectoplasm green as he gets to his feet. In red-vision, Danny sends the sign back with snarling, vicious fervor. The pain is irrelevant in his rage.
Only after the fight does the hole the pole left start to close. Danny doesnât shift human until itâs gone. Unlike other injuries, a scar stays behind. Ugly; mottled, it aches for a week with every twist and stretch his body makes. He hates it.Â
Being dead is agony.Â
Every part of him is in pain. Every step, every word he speaks, everything he does, it is prerequisite with pain. The body is temporary, but the soul is forever, and death has carved into it with its freezing green hands and left him with never-ending heartache. It has torn from him and stolen what of him it could, and in return itâs left him with sorrow.Â
His pain is his grief, and heâs sobbed in the safety of his room more times than he can count. Itâs still as fresh as the day he heard the news of Jasonâs death. He knows, instinctively, that it will stay fresh forever.Â
In his room, Danny shoves his hands over his mouth and shrieks in whatever, muffled way he can into his pillow. Itâs not enough. Itâs never enough. He needs to be louder. He needs to be heard. He refuses to be.Â
Being dead hurts.Â
#tw mild gore#cw mild blood#cw mentioned violence#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#dp x dc crossover#dead on main#dp x dc au#dp x dc fanfic#cfau#cfau danny#obsessed with the fact that danny just has the WORST fucking time after jason dies and baby i can make it worse#*kills you and makes you a banshee and puts you in an irrevocable state of grief*#delicious angst. danny is having the wORSt time ever lol. lmao even#was originally meant to explore the idea that danny can survive lethal injuries as phantom. which briefly got mentioned.#but i got away from myself. leaning reaaal heavy into the fact that danny's a banshee. At 19 he's got a pretty good handle of himself#but imagine being a fresh out the gate banshee. usually they get time to themselves in the zone to cry until their heart's content.#sorry danny. you have school tomorrow and family sleeping in the bedroom next door#kinda proud of myself. you can kinda see how Rath would've occurred here.#danny is going through it rn#was gonna add a snippet about the city's thoughts on phantom but couldnt fit it in
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#classic#bittybones#jk i couldnt sleep last so i finished this#enjoy#i just love him sm#i want him 2 be happy and comfy#my art#fray
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#logan howlett#wolverine#me three days ago#i did sleep a lot#i hardly remember anything i watched the past three days even#idk what it was but reality wasnt registering to me and i couldnt even draw a circle for some reason#but its better now?#mostly i think#just really hopeing things will get better
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