#and i held myself here LOL
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voidcat · 2 months ago
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🍬, ☁️, and 🧩 for the ask game
Hiiii Nyx:3 love how our icons do a( ´∀`) at each other!!
🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character
I think I have normal opinions until I see a rlly popular post and go “whoops” so I can’t rmr these on top of my head buuuuut ig to go w the classics
I find Eren jaegar overrated and his demeanors and way to go w things esp after a certain end just over the top and stupid? Don’t get the hype about him in general or find even an inch of him hot im ngl to u… but I just know anyone who lives in the same geography as me or anyone who had to deal w a young turkish man (bonus points if diaspora turk, half Turkish, nationalist or all of the above) would probably agree w me. Deal with them long enough and Eren will just be a carbon copy
Raiden Ei not as strong as her Stan’s make her sound to be and def not the most tragic of archons. They throw away all she had done and the sufferings she put her people and many more into nothing just because “uwu she lost her twin sister and was left alone bc til then it was her sister who handled more diplomatic things” she is the executioner of celestia bc she wasn’t known that was one advantage !! Also we still don’t know for certain or to what extent is zhongli the god of war! There are so many anomalies and exceptions to him in comparison to other archons- ei is nowhere on his level and definitely not the most tragic archon.
I get having some characters to show different ways to cope or to be unable to do so- ei and diluc being two examples but I think they’re written a tad too badly. So idk in my eyes the way they go with things and how it should always boil down to him losing his dad and her losing his sister. Like… you guys are not the only ones who had great loses and you’re certainly not the ones w the most fucked emotional states- stop sounding like brats who need special treatment idk (but pls do note that iirc there are separate writers for the actual game quests/lores and for the in game texting/dialogues so it might be the latter than has caused me to feel this way. Bc they sure butchered so many things regarding tartaglia back in the day even in eng/chinese texts)
☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?
Always liked cats as long as I can remember- and probs would be a cat if I was any other animal and I usually feel like just screaming into the void (both here and irl) hence: voidcat
Also cool little creature of the unknown yada yada I suppose
🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?
There are certain uhhh writing styles? that feel eh to read for me- too rushed, too simple or repetitive and not in an artistic way. Idk it’s hard to describe but the moment I read few sentences I can tell if it’s a style I’ll be able to read or not. Sadly, that. It just makes me unable to read no matter how hard I try or force myself to— regardless of fanfiction, this applies to general literature too. Also like too much ooc ness esp in certain characters that stick out like a sore thumb. So I just close it and move on lol
Writer askgame
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skunkes · 1 year ago
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doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long
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b4kuch1n · 9 months ago
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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talkorsomething · 6 months ago
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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burningcomputerpersona · 1 month ago
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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orcelito · 11 days ago
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It's getting more and more certain that I'm gonna get straight As this semester. For the very first time in my college career. My persuasion class is entirely graded, & I got a 95.88% in it. My data governance class still has the final paper to grade, but we got a 97.33% on the presentation, so the paper probably won't be much lower than that, & my current running grade in that class is a 96.53%, so. We'd have to do Pretty Badly to get that below a 90%, so it's almost a guaranteed A. Then there's my gender communication class, which doesn't have a listing on the homework website (bc my professor in that class is real old-school) BUT I got full points on my final essay exam too, which means the Only thing in that class I got points taken off for was my presentation, which Even Then I still got a pretty good grade. So that one's almost certain to be an A as well.
Which leaves UX design class, which is still missing a grade for the project we turned in back at the start of November 😭😭😭😭😭 but they say they're grading them this week so. Sure, I guess. (Still don't know why they graded the more recent project before that one but Oh Well). Anyways, we've been getting really good grades on all our projects, bc it's a level 100 course and their grading criteria is really easy 😂😂😂. So really good grades on all the projects. Not as good grades on the class participation stuff bc I kept forgetting to do my reflections and the readings, but that's not very many points overall. So unless we do badly on the project that has yet to be graded (unlikely), I'm Proooobably going to get an A in this class too. At worst, a B. But I'm hoping for an A.
It'd just be really cool to have straight As for the first time in college. And then maybe, just maybe, I'll do it all over again next semester too >:]
#speculation nation#usually i have at least one class i struggle with more#but i Also have spent every semester before this also working a job.#which that's the key difference i think. it's Impossible for me to keep a job without making sacrifices.#and yknow my dad and my old advisor would tell me that school's more important#but when you gotta work to eat and pay ur way thru school. u kinda Have to prioritize work?#when it comes to staying in ur boss's favor and keeping regular attendance etc etc etc#there were a number of times i ended up so tired from work id get home and look at an assignment and go 'do i Really need to do this?'#check the syllabus to see how much it's worth. and if i think i can get away with it then i skip it.#but not this semester. i finished every stupid fucking assignment bc there Were no work conflicts like that.#(minus the One quiz i forgot which got dropped anyways. and then the readings and reflections i mentioned above lol)#and as it turns out. when u do Every damn assignment. well that directly translates to better grades.#and see even without working a job. full time school is still fucking punishing.#i kept at it but there were a number of times i felt myself cracking.#held it together thru determination alone. one foot in front of the other. i kept going. i finished. and i did a damn good job of it.#couldnt live that way for too long though. it's no wonder i kept having breakdowns in previous semesters#with me trying to do school while also working. full time school just does Not work for me with that.#and even part time school was more than i could handle well.#but i Can be a good student when i can actually Focus on it. my grades here are evidence enough.#so im feeling pride. and im feeling certainty.#i have 3 classes left to complete before i graduate. and im gonna.#i WILL do well on those classes too. and i WILL graduate in may. im speaking it into existence. i WILL do it.
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cherrylight · 1 year ago
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i actually have MORE pictures of her but i like these two the best !
um. ok. shes also a sona + a self insert! (shes a self insert for 🍒 actually giggling)
her names ashley! i love her so much. shes the reason i started to also go by ashley too! im not really on good terms with gender like almost at all and i go thru so many spirals about it but... she really has been helping me a lot lately with that sort of thing too (along with my other sona too dw) so she means a lot to me <3 i hope you love her just as much as i do!
[ please be nice to me about this if you do decide to rb ! ]
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longagoitwastuesday · 3 months ago
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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead
#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there#There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol#I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami#If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out#And everything it implies#Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it#with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime#being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before#I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling#of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time#They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people#You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them#I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher#They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed#Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l#Now they're sick and have lost their hair#Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead#I don't know. That kind of stuff#Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body#Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead#He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude#He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them#We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long#He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back#He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry
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phoenixiancrystallist · 6 months ago
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Month 7, day 3
So my computer might be perma-ded, don't know yet, but here's more designing on that shirt design! Transparent this time so I can see the transparent effects better but they might not transparent correctly on the TeePublic upload. Idk, we'll see! But first I'm gonna finish cleaning this up and playing with effects until I like it so much I don't want to change anything :)
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#Forspoken#Forspoken fan art#Frey Holland#hopefully it actually uploads as transparent bc as I'm typing this it has a white background which is actually hiding the magic effects#but I have it properly transparent in ProCreate so I can still work with it#anyway re: my computer#I think FileVault done goofed somehow because even in safe mode I can't sign in#and when my roommate tried to do a recovery and reinstall the OS it says we can't select the drive#because it's decrypting#which is probably my fault bc I told FileVault to decrypt but it was so I could fix my Mac resetting things whenever I rebooted#iN MY DEFENSE that's what the troubleshooting guide I was following told me to do!!!#I'm starting to think I should just give up on fixing things myself and stick to asking my roommate for help#but I don't usually run into/cause catastrophic errors like this so idk what happened#other than the power outage I speculated yesterday#but I don't actually know why my mac shut off since my stereo and PS5 were still on#which doesn't necessarily rule out a power issue bc this house is held together by unicorn spit and a prayer so the electical is hhhhhshodd#but USUALLY a power flicker bad enough to turn off my Mac also turns off my PS5 and stereo so idk man#idk#anyway here's hoping my Mac fixes itself and lives ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#she named herself Hera she's not supposed to just give up the ghost like this lol#edit: yay it's properly transparent! *\ô/*
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padfootastic · 2 years ago
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Saudade
You can also read it on Ao3
x
Remus knew he was a coward.
It’s why he always preferred to blend in. He couldn’t afford not to. It’s also why, to his eternal shame and regret, he’d never bothered to even question the circumstances of Sirius’s imprisonment. His betrayal.
Because he knew if he looked even slightly below the surface, it’d shatter.
(He’d shatter)
Because he wasn’t just a coward, was he. He was also helpless.
No.
Powerless.
He was powerless.
It didn’t matter if he knew Sirius was innocent, if not of the murders then definitely the betrayal (because he knew, didn't he, that Sirius Black would never—as long as he had breath in his body, magic in his veins, life in his heart—do anything to hurt James Potter. It was a fundamental truth of life. There were five exceptions to Gamp’s law of elemental transformation, the sun set in the west, and Sirius was unfailingly loyal to James. Isn’t that how it's always been?)
Because even if the truth was not what it seemed, he couldn’t do anything about it.
So he lived his lie. Didn't bother to look past the newspapers blaring the inevitability of a Black turning to the dark side. It validated his own feelings, his mistrust, his circumstances.
It was a profoundly selfish act, but it was all Remus could do.
x-x-x-x
There was…one moment when he tried, just the bare minimum, really, in hindsight but it was enough to, if not soothe, then push down the constant guilt gnawing at him.
“Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore looked down at him through his half moon glasses. “What can I do for you?”
Remus didn’t know whether to appreciate the even tone or not. In the past month, his entire life had collapsed around him. He’d gone from being part of a whole, one of four, to completely alone. Even putting one step in front of the other was getting too much for him and on some days, he forewent even that small action. Laying in bed, contemplating his entire life and how it went so wrong in less time than it took to blink—that was all he had the energy for these days.
So to hear Professor Dumbledore refer to him like that, almost pleasantly, as if they were still back in school and Remus had just bumped into him in the corridor—it was equal parts relieving and maddening.
He chose to ignore that for now, though. He had enough going on without discovering new things to be bothered about. Not like he had the energy for it, either.
“Headmaster, I—“ Remus gulped nervously. Now that he was here, it felt much more daunting than he could have imagined. What would he even say?
“Yes?”
Remus took a shaky breath and tried again. “Professor, are you—is it completely without doubt that Sirius—“ He couldn’t finish the sentence but he knew the other man understood what he was trying to say.
“Mr. Lupin…Remus,” Dumbledore started gently, and already Remus was regretting this little excursion. “I know the past month can’t have been easy for you. I wouldn’t even presume to understand how bad it must’ve been. None of us thought that Mr. Black could…” He trailed off, eyes staring at a door behind Remus. He didn’t think he’d imagined the sadness that flashed in his eyes, a meagre reflection of his own agony.
It was only a momentary slip, though, as his eyes hardened and steel coated his next words. “But what’s done is done, despite the tragedy of it all. Mr. Black made his choice, and now it is time for you to do the same.” He gave a sad smile, a damning one that spoke of his finality in the matter. “It is always harder to be the one left behind, Mr. Lupin, and your fate is one I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I can only hope that you find the strength I know you have in you, and use it to move on from this episode.”
Remus could only sit there, stunned and numb and feeling like his skin was tearing itself apart from the inside, the way it did on full moons except worse.
An episode, Dumbledore said, as if he wasn’t talking about his family, his entire life. As if this was a schoolyard skirmish, an encore of that horrid ‘prank’ in fifth year, one he could forget if he so wished to. As if it was that easy to carve away the parts of himself that were entwined with the rest of his brothers (which made up most of him— mind, body, soul, and magic). As if he would even want to.
Remus didn’t try again after that, not with Dumbledore and definitely not with anyone else. If the man who was their leader seemed so sure, then who was Remus to go against his word?
(He’d never regretted anything more in his life, perhaps with the exception of the belief that caused this in the first place)
x-x-x-x
They didn’t talk about it.
At first, there was the whole thing with Pettigrew and being on the run and everything that came with it. Once that got sorted, though, there was no excuse other than it was easy.
Easy to ignore the ache in his heart when the distance between them reared it’s ugly head.
Easy to turn away when he saw the way Molly and Dumbledore treated Sirius in his own house, because isn’t that what he’d been doing so far?
Easy to stay away, altogether.
Sirius never brought it up either. Perhaps on purpose, too, because the pain in his eyes never lessened. Remus could pick out multiple instances where he opened his mouth to say something before abruptly shutting down.
That was another difference. Pre-azkaban Sirius wouldn’t have hesitated like that, not with Remus.
It only drove the knife further in. But did he have anyone to blame but himself?
It was just after Hogwarts had closed. Harry, who’d finished his fifth year, had gone back to the Dursleys but not for long because in a turn of events no one could have predicted, Sirius’ case had completely upended itself in the aftermath of the DoM debacle. Remus still didn’t like to think about it, how close he—they’d come to losing Sirius (again) and how it was only sheer dumb luck—a rock that made him stumble sideways instead of back—that saved him from falling into the Veil.
Perhaps the only positive of the evening was the Minister seeing Sirius Black fighting unequivocally for the Light and against the Death Eaters. In Remus’ opinion, it would be quite some time before anyone forgot the image of escaped inmate Sirius Black laughing at Bellatrix Lestrange in a strange parody of his actions fifteen years ago. The cold laughter juxtaposed with the deadly spells he’d been aiming at his cousin was enough to stun everyone not in the know and that was how an enquiry had been conducted into the case, leading to where they were today.
Remus, however, had spent every minute he could hiding away, even more than before. He couldn’t bear to show his face at Grimmauld Place—the idea of seeing Sirius actually sent a wave of shivers down his spine.
But, as he’d always known, his time did run out.
x-x-x-x
“So are we talking about this then?” Sirius’ voice is tired, perpetually exhausted as it seems to be these days.
They were sitting at the dining table, cups of tea long gone cold in their hands. It was the first time in months Remus has allowed himself to be in the same room as Sirius (it shouldn’t be like this. it never was before. how did it all go so wrong) and the other man wasn’t stupid. Even if Remus hadn’t initiated the conversation, he knew they’d have it. Of course it was Sirius who poked the sleeping dragon. He had always been the braver of the two. Of course, if it was a competition, then James Potter would’ve come leagues ahead of either of them, his passion and intensity unmatched.
(But James isn’t here right now and that’s really the cause of half their problems, is it not?)
Sirius was…quieter, more focused, but plenty brave enough. If Remus allowed himself to think about it, it’s no surprise he brought it up first. In fact, it’s more surprising that he hadn’t so far.
Still. “Talk about what?” he regrets the words almost as soon as they slip out of his mouth. Sirius only looks at him steadily.
Of course he knows what this is about but it’s easier to cling to what you’ve been hiding behind all this while, is it not? But is it fair, to him? More importantly, is it fair to Sirius? Does he not deserve an honest answer, an honest friend?
It’s that which pushes him to try again.
“I-I didn’t mean that.”
“Sure you did, Remus.”
“Alright,” he amended. “I shouldn’t have meant that.” And that at least is true. It gets a wry smile out of Sirius.
“There’s a lot I shouldn’t have done,” he continued, which neatly drives the mirth away. Remus looked down, at his fingers, the bitten down nails and ink stains, so he didn’t have to stare into the consequences of his actions.
‘I should—apologise.”
“Do you want to?”
His head snapped up, the sting of the comment settling under his skin like an itch. How could he think—? One look at Sirius’ face, however, devoid of any malice or cruelty, and the indignant feeling in him dies out as quickly as it rose.
It was a fair question. He hated the fact but couldn’t deny it.
How would Sirius know about the hundreds of hours he’d spent screaming and crying and begging someone, anyone to turn back time, to make things better, to give him a second chance?
Sirius couldn’t know about the time Remus hadn’t been able to get out of his house for seven months, two weeks, sixteen days straight, surviving only on dry crackers and tepid tea and stale bread and feeling guilty for doing so. He’d spent the entire time staring blankly at the sickly green wall of his bedroom, living in a haunting loop of his memories and wishing he was back in them.
Sirius hadn’t seen any of that.
(Would it have made a difference, if he had, Remus thinks. They weren’t indicative of anything but his own guilt, certainly didn’t stem from any moral conviction in Sirius—and what value did it have for someone who was being tortured day and night? living with the knowledge that he’d been left behind without so much as a second thought?)
It’s not something he’s thought about before—in those fantasies where everything is as it was before. Sirius apologises, Remus apologises, they hug it out and it’ll all be better again—but now, now he can’t help but wonder about the efficacy of platitudes.
He hated Sirius’ matter of fact resignation even more, like there was no other way for Remus to react except defensively. (It wasn’t always like this. The Marauders, James & Sirius, they’d always been his biggest believers. They’d made him capable of touching the sky and the stars and everything in between and Remus has been untethered ever since that fateful halloween. There was a time, when anyone expecting any less of Remus—even himself—than they should would’ve gotten all of Sirius’ hackles raised—‘our Moony’s worth a dozen of you and you should only be so lucky to get to see that’—so it stung particularly bitterly when it was the same man expressing this apathy.
The juxtaposition of the two Sirius’ in his head was enough to give Remus a headache at the best of times, let alone now.
So he takes a deep breath, lets the feeling wash away, and nods.
“You don’t have any reason to believe me, and I don’t blame you for it, but I do. Want to, that is.”
Sirius didn’t reply but Remus continued, undeterred.
“I didn’t for a long time. I didn’t want to, not at all. Because it would be my fault, you know? And I was so tired, Sirius, god. I was exhausted trying to keep up this pretense. I just needed to get the burden off.”
Sirius just looked at him, silent. Remus could see the way his eyes flick around the room, however, and how his fingers trembled ever so slightly. He might’ve been out of Azkaban but the signs would last a long time.
“What made you change your mind, then?” There's a note of curiosity in Sirius’ voice and Remus cannot articulate the relief that fills him at hearing it. Anything, even anger or blame, was better than that bland apathy that made his skin itch.
The question itself makes him pause, however. Because he’s guilty, nay, he’s ashamed of the answer he’s about to give. He contemplated shutting up, or perhaps leaving the room altogether, and it takes longer than it should for him to banish the thought.
“Remus?” Sirius asked again and it’s the knowing look in his eyes that made him close his eyes in defeat. He should’ve known he couldn’t have avoided this. This was a man who knew him better than anyone else who’s alive right now—how could he ever have thought he’d be able to hide things from him?
So he takes a deep, fortifying breath. Releases it slowly, grounding himself in the process.
“When I came to Hogwarts.”
“The time I broke out?
Remus tilts his head in the barest hint of confirmation. Sirius nods like he’d expected that.
Again, Remus wanted to be offended—but how could he?
“How’d you—“
—know?” Sirius finished. Remus nodded, a sharp, jagged thing that’s barely an answer.
Sirius smiled ruefully. It looked wrong on him, like a shirt stretched out and shrunk back down with a charm. “Because I know you, Remus. And though it hurt, I always knew you didn’t believe in me, at least not at the end there.
I’ve had nothing but time all this while. Time to think, to wonder where it all went wrong, what I could’ve done—time even to curse James out,” he lets out a hollow chuckle at that, one that Remus echoes because just the idea of Sirius cursing at James is so absurd, there’s nothing you can do but laugh at it, morbid though it may be in the moment.
“And the only thing I can think of is how bad we messed up. I don’t— you know the worst part about this, Remus?” Sirius asks, in his tired, broken voice. Just hearing it makes him want to flinch and hide away. Instead, he brings himself to give another shaky nod.
“I wouldn’t have cared one bit if you’d thought I was a mass murderer. Hell, even being a Death Eater could be believable under the right circumstances and you were away so long, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d entertained the thought.”
Remus waited for the ‘but’ with his heart in his mouth, tasting ash and regret and guilt. He knew what was about to come, had wondered the same thing hundreds of times, going round and round in circles with no relief to be found.
“But how could you ever, even just for a second let alone 12 years, think I could do that to Ja—“ here, his voice broke, unable to even finish the name. Sirius’ trembling hands clenched into fists, hard enough that he could see the knuckles losing color. The words were just as devastating as he could have imagined, if not more. Coming from another’s mouth and not just whirling in his thoughts, it seemed even more damning in the light of day.
And that was just it, wasn’t it. It was this that confirmed what Remus had known from the moment he’d been made aware of Sirius’ innocence.
There would be no forgiveness here. The most he could hope for was closure, perhaps a chance to clear the air, as it were, and that was only if Sirius was feeling merciful. Which, when it came to James, he seldom did. Remus would know; he’d seen the aftermath of what happened to those who dared touch James Potter.
And Remus? Ne hadn’t just hurt Sirius—that was almost inconsequential in the larger scheme of things—no, Remus’ biggest mistake was besmirching the legacy, the honor of James Potter.
Sirius had destroyed people for far less.
It was this realisation that weighed heavy on him, head bowing until his chin touched his chest, unable to hold it up anymore, not knowing what to say and unsure whether he should.
“I can forgive you almost anything, Remus, you know that. I wouldn’t have cared one whit about anything else but that you could think that—that anyone who knew us could—it was that, more than the dementors, more than the crazed prisoners, more than the taunts and insults and torture, that’s what almost broke me in Azkaban.”
A sob broke out from Remus’ chest, ugly and desperate and entirely unfair on his part. Sirius didn’t need his guilt, nor his despair. Remus didn't deserve to be unhappy in front of him. He had made his own bed and now he was to lie in it. He couldn’t even be happy about the hint of steel he could hear underlying Sirius’ words, a faint echo of his past self. Because the implications it held for him were devastating. Remus knew he wouldn’t lose Sirius completely—they had too much history for that, but he’d lose everything that made Sirius him. He’d been spoiled, allowed into the small, small circle of people Sirius truly let in, and he knew there would be no going back. There would be perfect civility, and amicable conversations, but he’d never have his Sirius back. He’d get the Sirius Black the rest of the world saw, the one with the impeccable masks, who was always in control—but not Padfoot, never Padfoot anymore.
And that was to be his penance.
“I am—I truly am sorry, Sirius. You’d never know how much. I just—I couldn’t—I don’t think I’ve taken one full breath since that night, everything was too fast and I couldn’t think and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to being alone anymore,” he said, leaning forward desperately, wanting to explain (not justify, never justify), not wanting Sirius to leave thinking this was—this was what Remus wanted. because he didn't, never could’ve imagined things ending up like this.
It was almost humbling, this ignoble end of the Marauders. They’d considered themselves untouchable, rulers of the world, sitting atop a throne only they could see. So many promises, a seemingly unbreakable bond, the best of the best.
And look at them now.
All of them in varying stages of decay, dead and dying.
“And I know, dammit I know that doesn’t count for shite. But please, I just—you have to know—“ his hands pressed together, pleading, as the words came out in a defeated plea, “I never meant for it to be like this.”
“The worst part of that,” Sirius smiled, small and broken and not even worth a shadow of his usual brilliance. “is that I know you mean that, Remus. I believe it too.”
A second passed, then two, before he delivered the final blow.
“I just wish you’d fought for us the way we had for you.”
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fappellmoan · 2 years ago
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just met dylan mulvaney that was chill
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maiteo · 1 year ago
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can’t watch meu porto just know this is me🫶🏽🐉
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arsen1cs4ng0 · 1 year ago
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fucking hell
#ooookay tw for suicide in the tags. just putting that out there#ive been desperately trying to fix things and relationships in the chip fandom#especially with the influx of people breaking off contact with gremlin. theres been a lot of people who've cut her off#i even got in contact with one of her victims through the chip discord. i helped him with his ''experiences with gremlin/apology'' tweet#<- which is up btw. i quote retweeted it on priv but i might repost it here#but i just feel like my efforts are just completely useless#this mindset was what pushed me to defend my friends throughout 2022. but at the same time its how i got into the shit with ''yuzu''#(quotes cuz yuzu was a sockpuppet. gremlin really thought she could chase me out of the fandom after that shit)#im just too fucking hopeful and too fucking nice#i held hope that there'd be a day where the fandom would be nice again - despite me wanting to kill myself **partially** thanks to gremlin#and in february i **had** to leave if i didnt wanna be dead. im (kinda. emphasis on kinda) back in the fandom now but still#im terrified of talking to people directly about this shit. its taken me a lot for me to open up about this shit to other people privately#especially to the folks in the chip discord. it felt so relieving when i knew i was safe to rant about her and what she did to everyone#ughhhh im yapping about nothing. sorry i sound really annoying about this shit LOL#but i just wanted to chuck my feelings out into the void. its what i do#val being a pissbaby
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gentlethorns · 2 years ago
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fuck dude i have got to find a job where i can be self-employed and creative. i cannot be in fucking retail hell anymore
#she bork#tbd#like now i don't deal w customers which is cool but now that i work at like a big retail store and not a little mall outlet the pressure is#insane. and i have bosses who never say good job or thank you and who have set me up to fail by throwing a department on me that i was not#hired to run or trained for and frankly don't have time to run properly either. so every week just starts w me in our weekly meeting being a#fucking piñata like 'why didn't you get this done 🤨 you need to manage your time better 🤨 you're losing sales 🤨' and i'm like i'm trying!!!!#what more can i do!!!!!! and then the side of it i actually kind of enjoy (which is what i was originally hired to do) is very very hard on#my body bc it's a very physical job (i run the team that unloads the trucks every day and like i'm usually helping unload bc i'm not just#gonna stand there and watch while my team busts their asses lol) and now i'm finding out that it's actually not normal to wake up every day#w your joints screaming and stiff and that i might have a chronic condition (doctor is thinking some sort of chronic inflammatory arthritis#but i won't know if my imaging and blood tests showed anything until like mid-june) and i'm like. so even the part of my job that i don't#mind as much is not good bc it's like actively destroying my body. okay sick 🤠 and i don't wanna quit bc i've only been there for like#eight months and this job would be really valuable on a resume but i don't want it to look like i'm a job hopper or like i'm fickle or#unreliable. so i'm stuck here for a while i think. but the pressure is destroying me mentally and i know i need to find a position somewhere#else that is 1. not fucking goddamn retail bc retail will always be hell and 2. not management bc i don't see myself ever really getting#into upper management but lower/middle management gets shit on the most so if i go somewhere else and end up in middle management i'll be#right back to wanting to kill myself in a matter of months. basically i'm tired of expectations and pressure and stress and i'm tired of#waking up at fucking 2:30 every morning just to go in and get shit on and destroy my body all over something that in the end i do not fuckin#care about. i need to make art and be held accountable by only myself. idk i've been toying w the idea of learning how to tattoo and trying#to start establishing some artistic skill so maybe eventually i can do that? not now bc the economy sucks and that's scary lol and anyway i#have to give myself some time to actually learn the skill and perfect a style. but it makes decent money (at least before the expense of#supplies and taxes) and allows you to travel and still work and also it would be fun. and i could tattoo myself so it would cut some#expenses for me since i cannot stay away from the damn needle. idk lol i need to save some money before i buy a tattoo gun or anything but#i'm considering it bc i am going fucking crazy rn and ik this feeling will leave me eventually but i also know it will come back bc it#always does. and i'm tired of just surviving and just making it through every day and every week like i want to be happy and this is just#not doing it for me anymore#ugh fuck why couldn't i have been born w a brain that likes numbers and code and technology. i love being an artist but it makes finding a#sustainable career really difficult bc i feel so restless and miserable when i'm stuck in a passionless job but my passions are not#particularly profitable. hate it here why wasn't i born a capybara no job no responsibility just squint and squeak and sun
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labetalol · 2 years ago
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can SOMEONE please tell me how to move PAST it. mac voice just move past it. i need to move past it
#you know how like. you would THINK a whirlwind romance would fix you... i thought i needed a fast and crazy relationship however turns#out i'm too mentally ill to actually let GO. to actually KNOW when it's over. i am still hung up on him as#if it isn't the most over it's ever been. it is OVER. girl snap OUT OF IT.#but. then i remember how he. held my hand through the dutch bros drive thru. or when he kissed the top of my head. let me drink#his coffee. asked me where i am so he can swing by to take me to jamba juice#my second ever kiss was in a fucking pharmacy. surrounded by psych meds. i was shaking and he like. hugged me. like girl#i don't even care if like. none of it was real and he just used me. because to me it was real. he loved me at least#the idea of me in those moments and i loved him BACK. girl i would do anything to go back i would do anything#but i know i can't. so instead i am sitting here. holding out that he'd somehow come BACK. he once told me he doesn't want#to mess me up but i threw myself at him because i was so sure the heartbreak will be worth the love. he really was amazing#for just that few months we were buddies. a part of me will always want him and he told me i'll always have a part of his heart but like .#it doesn't matter. never did. because he was never mine to have. never mine to lose. so all of this means nothing. because it never#should have happened. which makes the sadness unbearable lol it shouldn't even be here i am suffering for no fucking reason#fuck my baka life#personal
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weird-dere · 2 years ago
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Y’know when you’re trying to figure shit out in the current moment, for the immediate future, for the near but further future, and for the course of your life the next few years all at the same time.
And the undiagnosed adhd is causing all of your thoughts to ricochet off of one another and repeat themselves. And things shift from objective problem solving/planning to introspective n existential thoughts about yourself and your life and how you got here and how the fuck you’re supposed to go forward and how you have no idea how things are going or how you’re doing but you’re hoping for the best but also dreading everything.
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