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Part 13: If You Stay
Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12
And I find it bittersweet (cause you gave me something to lose)
(In which, an all over the place writer, writes an all over the place chapter)
Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd
Themes: Angst with some Hurt/Comfort and a little bit of Fluff
Words: 13.1K
TW: Swearing, Slightly Suggestive Content, Mentions of Divorce, Drinking
A/N: Hello my lovelies <3 So clearly that 48 to 72 hours deadline completely evaded me but here I am! I've always gotten asks about how many chapters GH will be and normally it's an estimate but I can almost for certain say that after this one, there will be two more chapters. This part is, like I said, a little all over the place as I start to tie in loose ends and bring everything together but it's pretty important as we start our journey to the end. This isn't particularly well-edited because as well know I hate editing but I eventually will go back and edit so any typos/errors you see are much-appreciated. As always, your live reacts give me life, so let me know what you liked, what you didn't and what you'd like to see next. Have a lovely weekend my loves <3
May 2033
Paige wakes up alone to an empty bed. Her eyes open to the feel of her fingers reaching out and finding nothing but the soft material of her crinkled bedsheets. She stares at the empty space, gaze fixated on the way the sunlight hits the exact spot Azzi had been curled up in and lets her mind wander back to yesterday -god everything had been fine just 24 hours ago- when the rays of sunshine coming through the window had cast lines of gold across the brunetteâs face. It wasnât often that Paige woke up before Azzi, but for some reason she had yesterday. Maybe it was the universeâs way of giving her one last chance to memorize an image that sheâs not sure when sheâll be able to see again. Paige traces her hands along the linen, blinking back tears, and she swears she can still feel the heat of Stephie and Azziâs bodies radiating off of it. Itâs unfair, she knows, to expect them to have stayed when itâs the one thing she herself canât commit to doing but still, that awareness does little to dull the ache reverberating through her chest.Â
Sighing to herself, Paige shifts onto her back, turning away from the empty space that almost feels taunting. She gives herself a minute, taking deep breaths to chase away the erraticness in her heartbeat and the moisture in her eyes before finally sitting up and leaning against the headboard. Her eyebrows knit together when she notices the bag in the corner -the pink duffel Azzi had packed for last night- and she almost gasps. It wasnât like Azzi to forget her stuff, even when escaping. And then she hears it, the familiar giggles of a little girl echoing from her kitchen and Paige feels her heart break and fix itself at the same time.Â
Theyâd stayed.Â
Paige flings the covers off of herself, making it from the guest bedroom to the stairs in record time. She almost slips on the fifth step as she races down the stairs, every part of her alight with the need to just see Stephie and Azzi. Her feet skid to a halt before the kitchen doorway and her breath catches in her lungs, hand immediately clutching at her chest as she takes in the scene in front of her. Itâs the three most important people of her life gathered around the kitchen counter. Azziâs flipping pancakes, a soft grin on her face as she listens to Drew and Stephie -both of them already with a stack of pancakes on their respective plates- who are animatedly arguing about whether banana or chocolate chips go better with pancakes.Â
âCome on Uncle Drew,â Stephie drawls, âchoc-chips are the best-est-est-est and ânanas are boooooring.â
âBananas are not boring,â Drew counters, his voice filled with dramatic offense, âyou can mash them in the pancake or eat them on the side or on top of the stack. Bananas are versatile.â
Stephie scrunches her nose and Paige smiles as the little girl gives her brother a pointed look, âI donât know what vers-a-tile means so that doesnât even matter to me.â
Azzi snorts, âI donât think thatâs how that works Stephie-bean.â
âDoes too,â Stephie pouts and then juts her fork out at Drew, âhere Uncle Drew, try it and youâll see choc-chips are so much better than that,â she looks disdainfully at the young manâs plate.Â
Drew dutifully accepts the bite of food, chewing it at an exaggeratedly slow pace as he pretends to contemplate how he feels about it.Â
âI mean itâs not bad,â he says finally, before a smirk breaks out on his lips, âbut bananaâs clear.â
âNah, I donât know about that,â Paige says, finally making her presence known as she walks over to Stephieâs side, âYouâre both wrong. Blueberries are better with pancakes than both bananas and chocolate chips,â she reaches out to ruffle Stephieâs hair, smile faltering when the little girl dodges her hand, âSteph-â
âMama,â gone is the happy child that had been casually bantering with Drew; Stephieâs face is ashen with the remnants of her emotions from last night as shift herself as far away from Paige as possible, âI wanna go home.â
Her words feel like a sword, pricking against the bubble of delusion Paige had created mere seconds ago; the wishful thought that maybe they could ignore what had happened last night, that they could just close the lid on the jar of darkness theyâd opened and pretend the obsidian hadnât slipped out, clouding the paradise theyâd built before. And maybe thatâs Paigeâs problem. Avoidance. Sheâd pushed herself towards Stephie and Azzi, acting like there wasnât a harness -bound together with the ropes of all the grievances, all the fears, that the past had left in her- and now she was stuck, so close to reaching them but unable to finally get there.Â
Azziâs eyes flicker conflictedly between Paigeâs ashen face and Stephieâs stormy one, her teeth gnawing at her bottom lip, âyouâve still got some more left on your plate Stephie-bean,â
âI donât want the rest,â Stephie says adamantly, pushing the plate away from her, âIâm not hungry anymore.â
âStephie we donât waste food,â Azzi says it like itâs a reprimand but Paige knows itâs for her sake, to give her more time with Stephie, and a mix of guilt and gratefulness pools in her stomach as fights the urge to pull the younger woman into her arms and kiss away the stress lines that have formed on her forehead in the last 24 hours.Â
âThen pack it and we can take it home,â Stephie slides off the counter, tiny arms crossing over her chest as she looks at her mother with pleading eyes, âplease Mama, I donât wanna be here anymore.â
âStephie-â Paige tries to say, reaching out once again for the little girl.Â
âExcuse me Coach Bueckers,â Stephie sidesteps the older woman, her voice far colder than a little girlâs voice should -far colder than anything sheâs ever used with her Miss Buecks- and it feels like shards of ice prodding against Paigeâs heart.Â
âStephie please-â
The little girl refuses to meet her gaze but Paige notices the way her eyes glance towards her for the briefest moment, like she wants nothing more than to turn around and fling herself at the older woman. But the look is gone as quick as it came and Stephieâs face hardens -and Paige hates herself for being the reason why- as she looks at her mother.Â
âPlease can we go home now Mama?âÂ
Azzi sighs, âyeah bean, we can go home. Unless-â she hesitates, eyes locking with Paigeâs, âunless- maybe Miss Buecks has a reason we should stay?â
And Paige knows this is Azzi giving her one last chance, one last opportunity to say the right things, to keep Stephie and Azzi with her. Itâs why she hadnât left this morning; sheâd been waiting to see if Paige was ready. And all Paige has to do is open her mouth and make the promises that she couldnât last night; shut the door on her escape plan -to New York and the Liberty- and she can open the one that leads to her perfect dream; that leads to a forever with Stephie and Azzi. But thatâs the thing; what if forever doesnât last? After all, the last time sheâd trusted in it -trusted the same woman in front of her to be hers always- forever had turned out to be a myth. But Paige isnât ready. And so she averts Azziâs gaze, keeps her mouth shut and looks away before she can see the hope disappear from the brunetteâs face.Â
âRight,â Azzi swallows, âalright then uh -youâre right Stephie- we should- we should go home. You go wash your face and uh- Mamaâs gonna go grab our stuff and then- then we can go.â
The last words make an indiscernible noise creak out of Paigeâs lips as she watches Stephie make her way towards the bathroom. Azzi carefully flips the final pancake onto a plate -one with a stack of blueberry pancakes- before turning the stove off and beelining for the stairs towards the guest room. But Paige is quicker, curling her fingers around the younger womanâs wrist to keep her in place.Â
âAz,â she breathes out, unsure what to say- unsure what she even wants to say.
Azzi doesnât look at her, âI ordered groceries.â
âWhat?â
âYou didnât have any food and I- I wanted to make pancakes,â Azzi explains, âbut uh- I got more than just pancake stuff. Thereâs eggs and milk and that stupid cereal that you like and just- just basic groceries you know. And I know you donât like veggies but I had to get some because theyâre good for you Paige okay but donât- donât worry- I balanced it out with all those ridiculously unhealthy snacks you like.â
âAzzi,â Paigeâs voice cracks, âyou didnât have to-â
âI did,â Azzi cuts her off, âyou just- you canât live off of fucking takeout okay,â a lone tear slides down her cheek, âand I got- I got enough groceries to last you two weeks but you- youâll have to get more eventually if-â she stops herself but they both know where that sentences was going.Â
If youâre gonna live here- if youâre gonna live by yourself.Â
âI just-â Paige struggles to get the words out, âI need some more time.â
âI know,â Azzi finally looks at her and for a second Paige almost wishes she hadnât because the hurt -the please just say youâll stay- swimming in the younger womanâs eyes is almost too much to bear, âI know you need time and you- you can have it,â she brushes her thumb against Paigeâs waterline, âbut you canât have both. You canât have time and us.â
Why not, Paige wants to scream, wants to stomp her feet like a petulant toddler but she knows Azziâs right, knows that they have to be apart until she figures it out. And so she nods at the brunetteâs words as Azzi gently caresses her cheek -fingers lingering just a little longer than they should- before she rushes upstairs to grab her and Stephieâs overnight bag.Â
Paige watches her go before she disappears out of sight, and the blonde falls back against the counter. Closing her eyes as she takes in a couple of deep breaths, she swears the air has never felt more acidic. She can feel Drew looking at her; can almost see the contemplative -maybe even concerned- look in his eyes without opening her own.Â
âWhat?â she bites out, harsher than intended.Â
âNothing,â Drew hesitates, âI just- I didnât think Azzi would have stayed last night.â
Paige shrugs, eyes still closed, âI asked her to.â
âI figured but I- I guess I didnât expect her to agree,â Drew says quietly.Â
Thereâs an undercurrent to her brotherâs tone that has Paige finally opening her eyes, fixing him with a stern gaze, âwhat exactly are you trying to say Drew?â
âNothing,â Drew repeats but the nervous shuffle of his feet say something entirely different.Â
âDrew.â
âShe stayed Paige,â his voice breaks unexpectedly, âlast night, this morning, she- she stayed.â
Thereâs a beat of silence as Paige stares at her brothers, absorbing his words when the unexpected flash of anger hits, âseriously?â
âWhat?â Drewâs taken aback by the fire in his sister's eyes.Â
âWhat do you mean what? One fucking stack of pancakes and suddenly all that shit you said to me last night- you donât believe it anymore? All of thatâs forgotten now?â
âThatâs not-â
âJesus fucking christ Drew,â Paige pinches the bridge of her nose and sheâs fully aware her anger is misdirected -that itâs herself, sheâs mad at- but she continues ranting at her brother anyways, âyou made me overthink everything Drew. I was doing fine, we were doing fine and then- then you said all of that shit last night, reminded me of everything and now here we are the next morning and what? Youâre not mad at Azzi anymore? She stays one fucking night and all is forgiven? Youâve changed your whole fucking mind-â
âYou canât blame me-â Drew begins to cut her off loudly but then thereâs another voice -soft and small- interrupting both of them as they turn to see Stephie staring at them, her expression almost fearful at the sound of them arguing. And Paige hates herself a little bit for putting all these new expressions on the little girlâs face; she misses when she used to be the reason for her smile.Â
âThatâs- thatâs two bad words Miss-â Stephie stops herself, swallowing away the familiar name, âI mean- Coach Bueckers.â
âSorry Stephie,â Paige whispers, pausing slightly before she takes a nervous step towards the girl, âso does that- does that mean I owe you two kisses?â
Stephieâs face wobbles, her bottom lip trembling as she nods slowly, âyeah you do.â
Paige breathes shakily as she kneels down in front of the little girl, eyes drinking in the sight of having her this close -like they know they might not get this moment again- as she slowly pulls her into her arms. Stephie is warm and soft and familiar and Paige wishes she would never have to let the little girl go. She squeezes her to her chest as she delicately places her lips against Stephies left cheek.Â
âIâm sorry sweetheart,â she whispers against the little girlâs soft skin, hoping the child knows it isnât just for the swearing before she presses another fluttering kiss against Stephieâs right cheek, âIâm so sorry.â
And then, just as Stephieâs about to pull out of her grasp, Paige stops her, pressing her lips to the little girlâs forehead. When she pulls back, Stephieâs staring at her with a confused look on her face.Â
âYou only owed me two,â she says matter-of-factly, âwhat was the last one for?â
Paige gives the little girl a sad smile as she brushes away a strand of curly hair that had gotten loose from her ponytail, âjust because youâre my Stephie-bean.â
Stephie stares at her and Paige can see a myriad of emotions flicker behind her tiny eyes. She opens her mouth, like sheâs about to say something and Paigeâs heart thumps in anticipation, but then the sound of Azziâs footsteps coming down echoes from the stairs and Stephie pushes away from her. And suddenly, Paige feels empty, like the most vital parts of her are missing.Â
âYou ready to go Stephie-bean?â Azzi asks, mustering on a brave voice for her daughter but Paige can hear the way itâs cracking, can tell from her red-rimmed eyes that sheâd taken a little longer than necessary upstairs to fix herself.Â
âYeah Mama,â Stephie takes her motherâs outstretched hand, âletâs go home.â
The walk through the foyer and outside towards Azzi car feels like it takes hours. Drew doesnât come all the way, stopping at the front door and giving Stephie a quick high-five that draws a brief smile from the little girl. He doesnât say anything to Azzi but thereâs an underlying softness in the way he tips his head towards her as they nod at each other. And then itâs just the three of them and Paige swears theyâre all walking just a little bit slower than they normally do, like theyâre trying to savor this moment just a little longer and prolong the inevitable.Â
She leans against the side of the car as Azzi buckles Stephie into her carseat. The little girl keeps on her brave face, avoiding eye contact with both Paige and her mother as she focuses firmly in front of her. When Azzi closes the backdoor, Stephieâs face disappearing behind the tinted windows, Paige wants to scream. Everything in her feels like itâs burning and freezing at the same time.Â
Azzi hesitates as sheâs about to get into the driverâs seat, biting her lip as she turns back towards Paige.Â
âYou should know that I - that Stephie and I- we-â she pauses, like sheâs scared to say the rest of it, âwe want you- we want you forever Paige,â both of them suck in a deep breath as the confession looms in the air above them, âand I know you need time and you should take it,â Azzi says softly, her hand reaching almost halfway to caress Paigeâs cheek before falling forlornly back to her sides, âbut we canât- we wonât wait forever.â
***Â
August 2031Â
Paige is normally a big fan of All-Star weekend; she relishes the chaos of the weekend, getting the opportunity to connect with her fellow peers in a way that wasnât possible during the rest of the season and just didnât quite happen at this level outside of it. But sheâs definitely not a fan of it this year, considering itâs being held in her teamâs city, in Dallas. Six years later and still, something about this city doesnât quite feel right, doesnât feel quite like a place she can call home.Â
But still, at least it had given her the chance to not have to be in her apartment this weekend. Unlike her teammates who were more than comfortable staying in their respective homes, Paige had taken up the WNBAâs offer to stay where the rest of the non-Wings players were staying. Itâs ironic that the sterile walls of an unfamiliar hotel somehow feel more comforting than a home thatâs supposed to be hers. Except, the apartment -the one sheâd moved into after the divorce after giving Oliva their house in an act of goodwill- feels cold and empty and Paige has done little to rectify it. She pretends itâs because sheâs too busy, that sheâll get to hanging up the picture frames and decorating the walls eventually. But thereâs a part of her that knows sheâs likely just stalling the inevitable, that the apartment is as temporary as it gets until she finally lets herself make the decision to to leave Dallas.Â
The quiet ding of the elevator opening has Paige sighing as she shakes her mind of that daunting thought. Itâs why sheâd rushed out of her room in the first place, not wanting to be trapped with herself for longer than necessary. The silence has become her worst enemy, enhancing the loneliness that sheâs felt ever since the divorce- maybe even longer.Â
Divorce.Â
God she hates that word, has hated it since her parents had sat her down and said they were getting one. Sheâd always told herself she wouldnât become another divorce statistic like them but clearly history liked repeating itself. And the worst part of it, Paige thinks, is that she doesnât regret the divorce -thinks it might be one of the only right decisions sheâs made in the last six years- but maybe she regrets that marriage, regrets selling Olivia a dream, sheâd subconsciously always known she wouldnât be able to fulfill.Â
Thinking of Olivia makes Paige feel awful. She hadnât done anything outrightly wrong to the other woman, never raised her voice or said anything untoward and sheâd definitely never cheated. Well, not physically at least. But sheâd gotten married to the reporter for all the wrong reasons, trying to fit a puzzle piece that had all the wrong edges into the jigsaw of her life even though sheâd known the empty space in her heart could only be filled by one person. For her part, Olivia had been just as good at pretending as Paige was, acting like she couldnât see the cracks in their relationship or the water that was seeping in through them.Â
And then something shifted -maybe the water had finally gone over their head- and just like sheâd been the one to bring up the idea of getting married, Olivia was the one who had filed for divorce. And Paige thinks maybe the worst thing she ever did to Olivia, is the way she didnât fight it once. She remembers the hesitation in her ex-wifeâs eyes, remembers the slight pleading look on her face as if she wanted Paige to at least resist it a little bit. But she hadnât; sheâd simply nodded and signed. That was the end of the Olivia, Paige knew and from then on the sweet, bubbly, slightly over-enthusiastic reporter whoâd stumbled over her question at Paigeâs first media availability transformed into a cold ex-wife who could keep up a charade of cordiality for appearances, but never refrained from a cutting jab here and there.Â
The elevator dings open and Paige steps into the lobby, straightening her hoodie a little bit as she scans the area for familiar faces. Finding no one sheâs particularly interested in talking to, sheâd just about to head to the bar when her eyes land on a little girl nervously bouncing on her feet next to a vase of flowers thatâs almost double her height. She canât be older than three years old and Paige can tell from the way her bottom lip is trembling, that the young child is doing her absolute best to hold in tears. Something constricts in her heart -something almost more than just empathy for the little girl- as Paige makes her way over.Â
Gently, trying not to scare the girl, Paige kneels in front of her, âhey sweetheart.â
When the little girl turns to look at her, familiar dark brown doey eyes filled with unshed tears, her breath hitches in her throat and Paige suddenly realizes why sheâd felt that tug in her heart. This is Azziâs kid.Â
âH-hi,â the little girl manages to splutter, playing with her fingers as she regards Paige with a way expression, clearly trying to discern whether sheâs safe or not.Â
âHey,â Paige repeats, smiling reassuringly, âyou okay?â
The little girl nods slowly but there must something about the warmth in Paigeâs smile that she pauses, rebellious teardrops running down her face as she goes from nodding to shaking her head.Â
âI-I-I-I- lost,â she wails.Â
âOh sweetheart itâs okay,â Paige tries to say, hands instinctively reaching out to run up and down the little girlâs shoulders.Â
âI was- I was âposed to be with Aunty J but she- she was talking and I saw pu-ple flow-es,â she points to the vase through her tears, âso I came to see but then- but then- I look back and Aunty J no there anymore and I want- I want my Mama,â she heaves, fully sobbing now, âI want my Mama.â
âItâs okay sweetheart, shhh,â Paige comforts the little girl as she stands back up, lacing her own fingers through her tinier ones, âhow about we go and try to find your Mama?â
Sheâs about to turn around when feels a tug on her hand and when she looks down, the young child is shaking her head, adamantly planting her feet firmly on the floor.Â
âWe canât go,â she says firmly, âMama says if I get lost, I stay where I am and Mama will find me. And-,â she hesitates as she looks Paige up and down, âMama says I donât go anywhere with a st-anger.â
It shouldnât sting -because thatâs what Paige is, a stranger- but itâs an unsettling reminder that this is a world like nothing sheâd ever imagined when she was younger, a world where Azziâs daughter doesnât know her.Â
âSo we canât go. We have to stay here and Mama will find me,â the little girl says again and despite the tears still swimming in her eyes, thereâs complete confidence -trust- in her voice that her mother -that Azzi- will find her.Â
âOkay,â Paige agrees softly, âbut is it okay if I wait with you?â
Azziâs daughter looks at her with a contemplative look for a couple of seconds before a bright grin explodes on her face and Paige thinks it feels a little bit like a ray of sunshine bombarding into her otherwise cloudy world.Â
âOkay,â the little girl grins happily before holding out a tiny hand, âIâm Stephanie Katarina Fudd.â
Paige laughs at the formality as she shakes Stephanieâs hand, âIâm Paige Madison Bueckers.â
âNice to meet you Miss Buecks,â Stephanie chirps as smiles up at the woman.Â
âItâs Bueckers,â Paige tries to correct as Stephanie scrunches up her nose.Â
âThatâs what I said,â she says with a confused look on her face, âMiss Buecks.â
Paige opens her mouth to try and correct her again but stops, deciding sheâs not about to argue with the little girl and that she quite likes the incorrect way Stephanie says her name. Instead she lets herself fall to the ground, leaning against the pillar as she stretches out her legs in front of her. Stephanie raises an eyebrow at the actions but eventually sits down next to her and Paige smiles. They sit in silence for a bit as Paige reaches for her phone, considering texting Azzi for a brief second before she eventually decides to text Jana -who she thinks might just be Stephanieâs Aunty J- instead to let Azzi know Stephanie was with her.Â
âI know you,â Stephanie says suddenly and Paige looks away from the phone to see the little girlâs eyes wide with recognition.Â
âI thought you said I was a stranger,â Paige cocks a teasing eyebrow.Â
âYou are,â Stephanie says matter-of-factly, âbut I seen you at Mamaâs game sometimes.â
âIâve seen you too,â Paige admits.Â
âYouâre good at bask-ball,â Stephanie states and the thing is, Paige has heard and read so many people say sheâs great at basketball but thereâs something about the way Stephanie says it -something about the genuine innocence of it- that makes her beam with pride.Â
âI guess I am,â she bumps Stephanieâs shoulder as she winks at her.Â
âI love bask-ball,â Stephanieeâs eyes gleam as she says it and Paige knows that expression -knows that slight look of madness thatâs just the beginning of falling in love with a sport.Â
âYeah?â she asks casually, âyou play ball?â
Stephanie nods enthusiastically, âMama got me a hoop for Ch-istmas -just like the one she had when she littler- and she p-omised that when Iâm bigger, sheâs gonna lemme go bask-ball camp.â
Itâs hard not to grin along with Stephanieâs ranting, especially not when her determination to play basketball -one that reminds Paige a lot of herself- shines through her words.Â
âYou any good,â Paige teases, biting back a laugh when the little girlâs face contorts in offense, like she canât even believe someone would have the audacity to question her basketball skills.Â
âOf course I am. Iâm Azzi Fuddâs daughter,â Stephanie says proudly, blissfully unaware of the way Paige's smile wobbles for a second at the statement, âbut Mama says one day, Iâmma be even gooder than her.â
âCan I get your autograph now then?âÂ
Stephanie scrunches her nose, âwhatâs an au-to-gra-ph?â
âWait,â Paige stands up, on a mission to find a pen, but Stephanie immediately grabs her hand.Â
The little girlâs eyes are wide with anxiety as she looks up at Paige, âno Miss Buecks donât leave me.â
âOh sweetheart Iâm not,â Paige crouches back down in front of Stephanie, thumbs reaching out to rub the little girlâs cheeks in reassurance, âIâm gonna go right there to get something,â she points to the the reception desk, âIâll be back in one minutes. I swear.â
âPinky p-omise?â Stephanie raises her pinky and Paige diligently intertwines her own around it.Â
âPinky promise,â she says, before practically skipping over to where sheâd spotted a cup-holder full of pens. She can feel Stephanieâs anxious eyes piercing into the back of her head and if possible, the smile sheâs had on her face since meeting the little girl, somehow deepens. Itâs dangerous, she knows, becoming so enamored with Azziâs daughter but her heart has always moved faster than her head, and Paige still hasnât quite figured out how to stop that.Â
âYouâre back,â Stephanie claps happily when Paige comes back to her and the blonde beams at the affection in her voice.Â
âTold you I would be,â Paige grins as she plops back down next to the little girl, holding out the pen sheâd found.Â
âWhy you get pen?â Stephanie asks, staring at it like itâs a foreign object.Â
âBecause you need a pen to give me your autograph,â Paige explains, âan autograph is when someone famous signs their name on something for someone,â she holds out her arm that is currently covered by a grey hoodie, âwill you sign my hoodie?â
âSilly Miss Buecks,â Stephanie chides, âYou and Mama are famous. Iâm not famous.â
âNot yet. But if youâre as good at basketball as you say you are, then one day, Stephanie Katarina Fudd, you are gonna be so famous. Just like me and your Mama,â Paige taps the little girlâs nose, releasing the giggle it elicits from her and she thinks it might be her new favorite sound, âand I wanna be the first person who gets your autograph.â
âCan I get yours too?â Stephanie asks, her tone a little shy and Paige thinks that forget an autograph, sheâd give her the world if sheâd asked for it.Â
âOf course you can bean,â the nickname slips out before she can catch it and Paigeâs mind travels back to her wedding day, back to the phone-call with Azzi.Â
âMama calls me bean too,â Stephanie says, as she begins to messily try and write her name on the sleeve of Paigeâs hoodie, âshe calls me Stephie-bean.â
As if on cue, Azziâs voice fills the air, tinged with a slight bit of panic and Paige feels her heart catch in her throat. Six years theyâve been apart, something always thrums in her every time she feels Azziâs presence near her. But it feels almost electric this time. The memories of the last time theyâd seen each other, the night theyâd spent together after this yearâs National Championship game linger in the air and Paige shivers like she can still feels the softness of Azziâs skin underneath her fingertips; can still hear the breathlessness of her moans in her hears.Â
âStephie-bean,â Azzi calls out and Stephanieâs eyes dart towards her motherâs voice as she immediately stands up, little feet tripping over each other as she rushes to get to the younger woman.Â
âMAMA,â Stephanie yells, flinging herself into her motherâs arms and Paige watches as Azzi cradles the little girl to her chest, kissing all over her face. Something pangs in her chest, and she wishes she were a part of that embrace too. And if all the dreams theyâd dreamt together when they were younger had come true, she wouldâve been.
âStephie what have I said about running off,â Azzi scolds as she coaxes the little girl's face out of her neck.Â
âI din-t run off,â Stephanie defends petulantly, âI go to look at pu-ple flow-es cause they looked so pretty but then when I turned around, Aunty J gone,â her face wobbles at the memory, âI was so scay-ed Mama cause I lost and âlone but then,â her voice changes immediately as she turns around to point at Paige, who freezes when Azziâs gaze lands on her, âMiss Buecks find me!â
âMiss Buecks,â Azzi repeats dazedly as Stephanie begins to pull her towards Paige, unaware of the anxious tension between the two adults.Â
âThis is Miss Buecks,â Stephahnie introduces the two of them, âshe find me and she tolâ me she help me find you but I say that Stephie canât move cause Stephie have to stay right here cause Mama says if Stephie lost, Stephie donât move,â the little girl says animatedly and both adults laugh at the random switch to third-person, âbut Miss Buckes say sheâll stay with me and so I not âcare anymore cause I have Miss Buecks,â she says casually, naive to the way it makes both Paige and Azzi swallows, âand look Mama,â she eagerly grabs Paigeâs sleeve, âI give Miss Buecks my auto-gaph.â
âThatâs, thatâs lovely sweetheart,â Azzi says softly before she turns to Paige -and Paige wonders if itâll ever stop, if the way her stomach swoons every time the brunette looks at her will ever go away-, âthank you for texting Jana and thank you- thank you for staying with her.â
Paige shrugs as casually as she can, âdonât gotta thank me,â she nudges Stephanie, âwe had a great time together didnât we Stephanie?âÂ
The little girl nods enthusiastically, âthe great-est-est-est time,â she exclaims to her mother, âMiss Buecks is so cool.â
âThanks Stephie-â Paige hesitates, unsure if she has the right to use the nickname, âStephanie. Youâre really cool too.â
Stephanie practically glows at the compliment, âMama, Miss Buecks thinks Iâm cool and- and- and- she say that Iâm gonna be famous one day. Thatâs why she wanted my auto-gaph. Cause Iâmma be a big bask-ball star just like you two.â
Azzi ruffles the little girlâs hair before looking at Paige with an indiscernible expression, âjust like us huh?â
âMaybe even better,â Paige says softly.Â
âI guess weâll find out,â Azzi grins before leaning down to pick her daughter up -the sight of it invoking something warm and fuzzy in Paigeâs stomach- âalright Stephie-bean, say bye to Miss Buecks. We gotta go get ready the orange carpet and I gotta go yell at your Aunty J for losing you again,â she winks at Paige who lets out a laugh.Â
And she hasnât laughed like this -laughed as much as she has in these last few minutes with Stephanie- in so long that sheâd almost forgotten what it sounded like.Â
âBye Miss Buecks,â Stephanie waves over her motherâs shoulder.Â
âBye Stephanie,â Paige waves before hesitating for a second, and then she calls out, âhey Azzi?â
Azzi turns around slightly, humming in response, âwhatâs up?â
âI like that you call her Stephie-bean,â Paige admits nervously, hoping Azzi will understand what she means and by the way the brunetteâs eyes soften, itâs clear she does.Â
âIt just felt right,â Azzi says softly; her mouth opens like she wants to say more -something more than what their current colleague-esque relationship allows for- but in the end, she settles on something far more mundane, âsee you around Bueckers.â
âSee ya,â Paige whispers back and if she stands completely still, watching Stephanie and Azzi walking all the way until they turn a corner and she canât see them anymore, well thatâs nobodyâs business but her own.Â
Thatâs the first night Paige lets herself wonder about the possibilities of becoming a Golden State Valkyrie.Â
***
June 2033Â
Dream 64Â Â Â Valkyries 87
Paige has never had particularly strong feelings towards the Atlanta Dream. They werenât a particularly bad team, nor were they a particularly great team and Paige had simply never had an experience with them -whether it was a fan of the league or as a player in it- that was worth remembering for her to feel anything towards them. But tonight, tonight Paige fucking hates the Atlanta Dream.Â
Okay maybe she doesnât hate the team.Â
She hates a certain player, a certain #11 wearing French player whoâd had the audacity to hold her Stephie, to wrap her arms around her Azzi. Paige had spent the first couple of minutes of warm-ups with a deep scowl on her face as sheâd watched ClĂ©mence interact with her girls. Sheâd hated the way Stephie grinned at the French woman, hated the way Azzi had laughed at something sheâd said. But most of all Paige hated that she hadnât been able to do any of that -hadnât been on the receiving end of Stephieâs giggles or Azziâs warm smile- for almost three weeks now. God she missed them so fucking much.Â
It was until Jana had tapped her on the back -a knowing look in her teammateâs eyes- that Paige had finally turned away from the scene. Sheâd channeled all her anger and frustration into the game, playing as the most aggressive version of herself. And it had paid off in the form of a 31 points, 7 assists, 4 rebounds and 3 stocks game, another statline cementing her position in the rather early race for MVP. But all of that feels futile now as Paige -signing autographs before she had to head off to media- notices Stephie go racing back into ClĂ©menceâs arms, the little girlâs face bright with happiness as the French woman catches her and twirls her around. From the corner of her eyes, she notices Azzi walking towards the two of them and Paige normally loves Azziâs smile -thinkâs itâs nothing short of being the prettiest sight in the world- but she thinks she might hate it a little bit right now when itâs directed at ClĂ©mence.Â
âAunty ChĂ©rie,â Stephieâs squeals echo clearly in Paigeâs ears, despite the noise of the crowd surround her, âyou played so good today.â
âMerci ma chĂ©rie,â ClĂ©mence's voice is saccharine sweet, âIâm very happy to see you. I have missed you lots. I was thinking,â Paige continues to sign another jersey but her ears are fully tuned into the conversation happening a couple meters away as ClĂ©menceâs attention turns towards Azzi, âwe are leaving tomorrow morning so I have some time tonight. So I was thinking maybe I could take you and Stephie out to dinner tonight? Unless-â Paige feels both Clemenceâs and Azziâs eyes flicker to herself and she tries to keep her focus on the fans in front of her, âunless perhaps you are going with someone else?â
Paige waits with bated breath for Azziâs answer, wishing her telepathic plea for the brunette say no, could somehow reach her but itâs Stephie who answers first.Â
âMama please can we go,â the little girl begs immediately -her tone one that Paige knows to be the one she uses when sheâs trying to get her mother to agree, âplease, please, please. We havenât gotten dinner with Aunty ChĂ©rie in so long.â
âStephie-â thereâs hesitation in Azziâs voice but Paige knows that sheâs likely to cave into her daughterâs wishes -after all Stephie isnât asking for anything ridiculous- and she knows she has to get away, not wanting to hear anymore about ClĂ©menceâs stupid fucking dinner plans.Â
Giving the fans in front of her a tight-lipped smile, Paige slowly backs away from them, eyes searching for Joyce -her companion to face the press tonight- as she heads towards the media-room. Sheâs so focused on looking for her teammate or perhaps sheâs too in her head but she doesnât spot the assistant carrying water bottles coming. The two of them collide with a large crash that rings around Chase Center as the bottles go flying across the court. Paigeâs cheeks turn a deep shade of pink as she feels the eyes of everyone on her -none more piercing than Azziâs- but she doesnât dare turn around. Instead she shoots the assistant an apologetic look, gathering as many water bottles as in front of her, before sheâs bolting to the press room, wondering what the fuck she's done for the universe to keep testing her like this.
***Â
Paige is the last person left in the locker room. By the time she and Joyce had returned from the press conference, most of the team had fizzled out. And so sheâd taken her time -ignoring the weird look Joyce gave her considering normally they were all eager to get home- showering and getting changed. Sheâd come out of the shower to a desolate locker room and as sheâd sat on the bench, drying her damp hair, sheâd let herself succumb to all the thoughts sheâd been suppressing.Â
Itâs somehow worse this time; it hurts more in a way that Paige hadnât known was possible. They hadnât been together nearly as long as they were back then and their relationship was barely defined. But at least last time, Paige had been able to run to another side of the country where she wasnât constantly reminded of her ex. Azzi isnât even technically an ex this time, but thereâs no avoiding her. Not when theyâre on the same team, not when sheâs a coach at her daughterâs camp. And Paige doesnât quite know whatâs harder, trying to find oxygen in an air devoid of Azzi and Stephieâs presence, or trying to breathe when theyâre near her.
Perhaps thatâs why itâs so different. Paige has lost Azzi before and even if that doesnât make the hurt any less, at least she has a blueprint for how to cope with it. But she doesnât know how to deal with losing Stephie, doesnât know how to not miss the little girlâs smile and her big doey eyes and the way sheâd used to wrap her arms around Paige like she was trying to bind them together forever.Â
But more than anything, more than missing Azzi or Stephie, Paige misses the three of them together. She misses Azziâs exasperated look when she and Stephie would indulge in some sort of ridiculous drama. She misses the little girlâs mischievous look before sheâd launch herself into both of their arms. She misses her own soft smile as sheâd watch the two of them engage in the most mundane things. She misses the peaceful silence as theyâd eat together and the noisy chaos when theyâd argue over what movie to watch afterwards. She misses everything.Â
And the worst part is that she knows she wouldnât be missing any of it, if it wasnât for the barriers sheâs put up herself. This is a cage of Paigeâs own making and the key to open the lock rests in her own hands. She just needs to be brave enough to use it. Azzi words run amok in her head, the reassurance that Paige could have time clouded by the reluctant warning that eventually that time would run out.Â
âHey,â she snaps herself out of her thoughts to see Azzi cautiously entering the locker room, her playing jersey swapped from a casual green top and cargo pants.Â
Paige swallows, âhi.â
âI uh- I was um-â Azziâs eyes nervously dart around the room as she strides over to her locker, picking up the pink lipgloss -one Paige has the taste of memorized- thatâs sitting on the bench under it, âI forgot this so I uh- I came back to grab it.â
âCool,â Paige replies monotonously but her headâs already racing with thoughts of will you let her kiss it off of you the way you let me? And she knows -she trusts- that Azzi wonât but even the possibility of it lights a small fire within her.Â
Azzi chews on her lips as she nods, before starting to walk towards the door but she stops last second, turning around with the starts of a smile on her lips, âyou were amazing tonight P. I mean you have been since the season started but tonight especially, you were just- you were you. You were awesome.â
Paige absorbs the compliments, tries to use it to douse the simmering jealousy thatâs flaming up within her at the knowledge that once Azzi leaves this locker room, sheâs likely going with ClĂ©mence.Â
âThanks,â the blonde manages to get out and itâs a little short and rather icy but Paige thinks itâs probably better than saying all the other things that are on the tip of her tongue.Â
Azziâs face dims at the curt reply, smile faltering as she nods, âanytime, P.â
That should be it. Paige should let her go, should be content with this small interaction thatâs the most sheâs gotten from outside of practice in weeks. But then the bitter words are waterfalling from her lips faster than she can stop them and despite the regret she feels immediately after, thereâs a part of her thatâs relieved when it makes Azzi come to a halt right in front of the door.Â
âYour girl played well too,â she bites out, the acidic words burning her tongue.Â
Azzi doesnât turn around but Paige notices the way her shoulders go rigid, âdonât do this Paige. You know sheâs not my girl.â
Paige ignores her, â11 points, 2 rebounds, 1 assist. Not bad numbers. Decent. But not better than yours of course.â
âPaige,â there's a warning note in Azziâs voice, like she knows exactly where Paige is going with this.
âIâm just saying, â Paige shrugs with a casualness thatâs in stark contrast to the tension lingering in the air, âsheâs a decent player. But youâd never be in her shadow. Never be known as just her anything.â
Azzi turns around slowly and Paige feels her anger dissipate as quickly as it had erupted when she takes in the way the brunetteâs eyes are brimming with tears.Â
âSeriously?â Azzi grits out, âyouâre seriously gonna throw that in my face right now?â
âIâm not throwing anything in your face. Iâm stating a fact-â
âOh bullshit-â
âItâs not bullshit,â Paige yells before she sucks in a sharp breath, closing her eyes to calm herself down before she continues, âitâs not bullshit,â she repeats, âit is a fact and that fact is the reason why weâre here right now.â
âWhat do you mean?â Azzi crosses her arms across her body.Â
âNine years ago you said no-â
âOh my god,â Azzi says exasperatedly, âwe canât keep going over this again.â
âWe have to Azzi,â Paige cuts her off, âwe have to because you said no. And you broke my heart and you broke my trust. And thatâs why weâre here right now. Thatâs why I made the deal with the Liberty and thatâs why I canât let of my escape plan and thatâs why I canât promise to stay and thatâs why we have to keep going over it. Because Iâm trying, âher voice cracks as the first tear slides down, âgod Azzi- Iâm trying so fucking hard baby but how do I know you wonât say no me -to us- again?â
Azzi stares at her with an undecipherable expression, her fists clenching and unclenching by her sides. It feels like an eternity passes in between them as they look at each other, breathing heavily almost in sync, until the brunette finally speaks.Â
âWell how do I know you wonât leave again?â
Paige blinks in confusion, âexcuse me?â
âYou keep accusing me of all of these things Paige but youâre the one that keeps leaving,â Azzi says and they both know she isnât just talking about nine years ago, âI know- I know I made a mistake. But when I said no all I asked for was a little bit of time. Thatâs all I asked for Paige. Time. Just like youïżœïżœïżœre asking for right now. And I know- I know we said a whole lot of shit that night -I said a bunch of fucking things I shouldnât have- but- god Paige you didnât even give it a day. I came to find you less than 24 hours later and you were gone,â she chokes on the last word and Paige wants nothing more than to cradle the younger woman in her arms, take away her pain and shield her from ever feeling anything like it again.Â
âAz-â
âAnd if youâd just waited -just given me a little bit of time,â Azzi continues as if she hadnât even heard the blonde attempt to speak, âthen maybe you would have known that I wasnât saying no forever. Just for a little bit, just for then. But you just- you left.â
âYou said a lot more than just no,â Paige says frustratedly.Â
Itâs Azziâs turn to look guilty and Paige can almost see the memories of that night flashing in her mind, âI know that but I wouldâve taken it all back if youâd just waited.â
âHow could I have known that?â Paige whispers and sheâs not sure if sheâs defending herself from Azzi or from that voice in her head -the one sheâd done her best to silence- thatâs always wondered if sheâd made a mistake immediately leaving for Dallas the morning after.Â
âYou couldnât have,â Azzi says softly, sounding almost defeated, âthe same way that you donât know that I wonât say no again. The same way that I donât know if youâll leave again,â she sighs as she sits down next to Paige, âbut thatâs life Paige. We donât know whatâs gonna happen in the future and we canât- we canât predict what someone else will do. All we can do is try and trust ourselves and trust each other.â
âYou make it sound so easy,â Paige nudges her shoulder and Azzi lets out a short laugh.Â
âI know itâs not. Trust me, I know itâs hard. Thereâs about five hundred different voices in my head saying that I should stop waiting or whatever it is Iâm doing right now. That I should let you go for good. That even if you end this whole Liberty bullshit, youâll still leave me -leave us- eventually.â
âBut?â Paige presses and she feels like sheâs teetering on the edge of a cliff, like the next words out of Azziâs mouth will determine whether she falls or flies.Â
âBut,â Azzi breathes out as she turns to look at Paige with a slightly wistful smile, âthereâs this one voice in my head, clearer than all the rest that says I should trust you -that I should believe in us- that maybe we just need to get through this one last hurdle to get back to each other,â the younger woman reaches out to squeeze Paigeâs hand gently before she stands up, âI think you just need to find that voice too P.â
âIâm scared Az,â Paige says softly.Â
âI am too,â Azzi admits as she leans down to brush the blondeâs tears away with her thumb, âtrusting is really fucking scary. I get it. but maybe- maybe it would be a little less scary if we did it together.â
Paige shudders when Azzi presses a kiss to her forehead, the brunette's lips lingering long after sheâs embedded every unspoken thought into it. She pulls away almost reluctantly, patting Paigeâs cheeks lightly before starting to walk back towards the door.Â
âAzzi,â the blonde calls out, mouth going a little drying when Azzi turns over her shoulder, âdonât go to dinner with ClĂ©mence.âÂ
Go with me. Let me take you and Stephie out to dinner instead.Â
âDonât hold on to the deal with the Liberty,â Azzi says quietly in lieu of an actual answer, âsay youâll stay.â
Paige falters, âAz I-â
âI already told you P,â thereâs a sad smile on Azziâs face before she turns away, âyou can have time or you can have us but you canât have both. Not right now.Â
âAzzi-â
âI hope you find that voice soon Paige and I hope it leads you back to me.â
***
August 2032Â
Paige is standing in a corner -a dirty Shirley in her hand- cackling at a joke that Cam had just made when she sees her entering and the laughter dies in her throat. Cam notices the change immediately, her eyes tracking Paigeâs gaze until they land on the brunette whoâs being pulled into a series of congratulatory hugs by players from other countries.Â
âSo where did yâall go last night?â the LA Sparks center asks casuallyÂ
âWhat?â Paige asks distractedly, her eyes narrowing when she notices a familiar French player inching towards the door for a hug of her own.Â
âYou and Azzi,â Cam clarifies and Paige swallows at the mention of her name, âyâall disappeared while we were all still celebrating. Lowkey felt like we were back in Belarus all over again when yâall just kept going off somewhere with each other,â the taller woman shoots Paige a teasing grin, âso whereâd you go?â
âJust uh- just needed some air,â Paige bites her lip at the lie.Â
Because the truth is that once theyâd left the hotel bar, and theyâd practically pounced on each other -from the elevator till theyâd made it to Paigeâs hotel room- theyâd barely come up for air. The feeling of each otherâs lips and bare skin was more intoxicating than any drink theyâd consumed -maybe even more intoxicating than the Olympic Gold medal theyâd finally won together earlier that day- and neither of them seemed to care about unimportant matters such as breathing.Â
Cam quirks an eyebrow as she sips at her drink, âif you say so Bueckers.â
âI do say so,â Paige retorts before dislodging herself from the wall sheâd been leaning against, eyes still tracking every moment Azzi made, âwe should- we should go say hi.â
âWe should, should we?â Cam smirks but the sweet angel she is, she falls into step easily with Paige as they start walking across the room.Â
The banquet hall is buzzing with players dancing and drinking and mingling with each other. Now that the basketball portion of the Olympics was over, theyâd all returned from being fierce competitors playing for their country, to being the friendly co-players they all were. Laughter and chatter fills the air as teammates and rivals alike, reconnect at the FIBA-sponsored party that had almost all of the womenâs basketball players participating in Bris2032 in attendance.Â
âAzziiii,â Cam squeals as the two of them finally reach the Valkyries superstar whoâd just finished hugging Gabby.Â
Azzi grins when she sees Cam but it slips a little when she notices Paige next to her. Sheâs quick to fix it, eyes going back to Cam as she pulls the taller woman into a hug. Something pinches against Paigeâs heart and she forces herself to look away; her gaze landing instead on where Gabby has walked away from the three of them to slip an arm around Marineâs waist. Paige stares wistfully at the scene -at the way Marine relaxes into Gabbyâs touch as she continues whatever conversation sheâd been involved in. Itâs all she wants and instinctively, her eyes wander back to Azzi.Â
âHey,â Paige says slowly as Azzi lets go of Cam, disappointment coursing through her veins when all she gets is a nod of acknowledgement.
âSo Azzi I was just asking Paige here, where yâall disappeared to last night?â Cam asks with a teasing tone.Â
Azzi blanches as the question, âoh um- I- uh I wanted to go check in on Stephie.â
âAnd you needed Paige to come with you for that?âÂ
A distinctly pink hue begins at the base of Azziâs neck, climbing up until it tints her cheeks, âI was a little tipsy and uh- just wanted the support I guess.â
Paige almost snorts at the response. Azzi had been way beyond tipsy and Paige wouldnât have been any support, considering sheâd been maybe two drinks away from blacking out. But she supposes, Cam probably doesnât need to know that and she definitely doesnât need to know what it had led to.Â
âInteresting,â the taller blonde looks between the two women as she takes another sip of her drink, âPaige just said yâall needed some air.â
âI mean that- that was definitely a part of it too. The bar was getting pretty hot-â this time Paige does snort at Azziâs answer which gets her an amused look from Cam and a very unamused look from the brunette herself.Â
Cam puts her hands up in surrender, âlisten if Paige says yâall needed air and if you say you needed to go see Stephie, I believe you,â she says but that cheeky grin on her face says the exact opposite.Â
âSpeaking of Stephie. Itâs uh- itâs almost her bedtime and I should uh- I should call my Mom so I can say goodnight,â Azzi manages a tightlipped smile towards the two other women before she disappears into the crowd, heading towards the balcony.Â
Paige hesitates for a second before she turns to face Cam and that shit-eating, knowing smirk on her friendâs face almost has her giving into her pride and swallowing the words sheâs about to say. Almost.Â
âIâm uh- Iâmma go to,â she stumbles out.Â
âOh of course,â Cam grins sly, âbet Azzi needs some more support huh?â
Paige shakes her head, flashing Cam her middle finger -and rolling her eyes when it causes the taller woman to laugh- as she follows after Azzi. The chill Brisbane air swarms around her as she steps out into the balcony. Azziâs standing right by the railing, her phone held right above her as she facetimes her daughter. Paige catches on quickly to the conversation, realizing that the little girl is telling her mother about how Tim had let her have ice-cream after dinner.Â
âStephanie Katarina Fudd,â Paige hears Timâs voice echo through the phone as Stephanieâs eyes go wide on the screen, âI thought it was gonna be our little secret?â
She holds in a laugh, leaning back against the door, as the little girl splutters trying to justify her tattle-taling, âitâs Mama, Pops. I canât hide things from my Mama.â
Tim scoffs but thereâs no genuine irritation to it, âthatâs the last time I give you ice-cream.â
Stephanie shoots him an unimpressed look, âyou say that all the time Pops and then you give me ice-cream anyways.â
âSheâs got you there,â Katie choruses from the back and Paige watches as she high-five her grand-daughter.Â
And she doesnât quite know what that pang in her chest means, but sheâs felt it every time sheâs seen Stephani and the Fudds over the course of the Olympics. The Fudds had come to Brisbane -of course they had- and every time Paige caught sight of them in the stands or watched them from the corner of her eyes, it felt like something was stinging against her rib cage. Theyâd all had custom #35 Azzi jerseys and their cheers were louder than every other voice in the arena any time Team USA did anything and after each win, theyâd been the first people down the stairs, ready to hug envelope Azzi in a hug. At the forefront of it was Stephanie, whoâd ran into her motherâs arms at lightning quick speed and Paige had watched -hoping she was being at least somewhat conspicuous- as Azzi had spun the little girl around.Â
It wasnât that the Fudds ignored Paige. In fact theyâd made it a point to come over to her right after to wrap her up amidst themselves. Stephanie had come over too, her smile shy as sheâd congratulated Paige on the wins. The little girl clearly didnât quite remember their interaction from all-star last year -her eyes regarding Paige almost like a stranger- and the blonde consoles herself with the fact that Stephanieâs only four. Four year olds werenât known for remembering things that had happened when they were three. Still, it hurt a little bit considering Paige thinks of that interaction more than she probably should. Â
But even though sheâd still gotten the hugs and the smiles and the congratulations, it wasnât quite the same, wasnât anything like sheâd picture during the conversations of weâll get customized 5+35 Bueckers-Fudd jerseys for the Olympics sheâd once had with Tim and Katie.Â
âAlright Stephie-Bean, Mamaâs gonna head back into the party-â Paige refocuses on the conversation just in time to hear Azzi get cut off by her rather dramatic daughter.
âI canât bel-ieve you went to another party without me Mama,â Stephanie drags out the words, âno Mama-good-night-kisses cause she pick party-time over Stephie time.â
The little girlâs joking but Paige can tell by the way it makes Azzi pause for a second -her shoulder stiffening just a little bit- that itâs hit a nerve. She wants to soothe it away, wants to wrap her arms around her from behind, hitch her chin over her neck and take away all of Azziâs worries. And that bitter thought -the one that seems to surface every time her heart beats a little faster for the brunette, the one that had filled her head when sheâd woken up next to the younger woman earlier this morning- takes birth in her head again. The thought she could have done all of that -would have the right to do it- if only Azzi had just said yes.
âIâll make it up to you Stephie-bean,â she hears Azzi promise, âtomorrow, just you and me okay sweetheart? All of my timeâs gonna be yours.â
Stephanieâs face immediately brightens up, âokay Mama,â she says happily as she blows a kiss to the screen, âlove you Mama. Good night.â
âGood night sweet girl. I love you more,â Azzi choruses back, waving at the screen before she cuts the call.Â
It takes her a moment to turn around and Paige watches as Azzi takes in a deep breath, a subtle smile on her face as she takes in the Brisbane skyline. When she does finally turn around, surprise filters onto her expression at seeing the blonde standing there.Â
âHey,â Paige whispers nervously, stuffing her hands into the pocket of her pants.Â
Azzi looks at her for a moment, âhi.â
They stand there rigidly, letting the tension -a completely different kind than the one that had encompassed them last night- simmer between them. Itâs almost like they're daring each other to say something, to address the elephant in the room.Â
Azzi breaks first, âsomething you wanted to say?â
âJust wanted some air,â Paige says, cringing a little bit at the clichĂ© line that sheâs now used twice in one night.Â
âRight,â Azzi nods, moving towards the door, âguess Iâll leave you to it then.â
Her voice is tinged with an iciness that sets Paige on edge. They havenât been like this in a while and sheâd thought theyâd let go of the resentful exes gimmick theyâd had going on for the first couple of years. But the hardness in Azziâs tone suggests that itâs back with vengeance tonight.Â
âAz-â Paige calls out.Â
âWhat?â Azzi asks loudly, biting her lip when the harshness of it almost makes the blonde stumble back, âsorry I-â
But before she can apologize, Paige finds herself retaliating with the same hardness in her own tone, âwhatâs your fucking problem?â
âMy problem?â Azzi reels back, eyes flashing with anger, âare you seriously asking me that?â
âYes. Thatâs clearly what I asked,â Paige retorts.Â
Azzi laughs devoid of emotion, âI woke up to an empty bed this morning and youâre asking me what my fucking problem is?â
Guilt inches itâs way up Paigeâs spine but it pales in comparison to the anger that flickers in the pit of her stomach, âoh thatâs rich coming from you.â
âExcuse me?â
âIs that not exactly what you did last time we fucked,â the profanity tastes acetous as it falls through Paigeâs lips because it sounds wrong, like sheâs insulting the sanctity of their relationship, no matter how broken it might be.Â
âNo itâs not,â Azzi nostrils flare, âI told you I was leaving. I had the common fucking decency to let you know. I didnât just sneak out.â
Paige rolls her eyes, âoh spare me the semantics. Itâs all the same shit at the end of the day. We both left.â
âOh fuck you Paige,â Azzi snarls as she tries to leave but Paige is quicker, fingers wrapping around her wrist to stop her.Â
And everything sheâd been prepared to say dies in her throat because now theyâre too close, chests heaving in harmony as their matching glares turn into something else. Paigeâs eyes fall to Azziâs lips, breath hitching when the brunetteâs tongue darts out for a second to wet them. She tugs on Azziâs wrist experimentally, pleased when thereâs little hesitation and the younger woman lets herself be pulled closer. The air is electric with want as they lean in slowly, their noses brushing against each other as they wait for each other to make a move, to close the distance.Â
But then thereâs the sound of someone clearing their throat, followed by someone else coughing and the two of them spring apart like theyâve been burned.
âJesus Az, careful!â Janaâs concerned voice makes Paigeâs ears perk up and she follows the Egyptians line of sight to see that Azzi had moved back so fast that sheâd fallen back against the balcony railing.Â
âIâm fine,â Azzi says hurriedly but the shake in her voice betrays that sheâs anything but.Â
âAre you?â Paige turns to find Aaliyah watching them with the wary gaze of someone whoâs been around them and their bullshit far too long, âbecause uh- we can hear yâall yelling from inside.â
Azziâs eyes shoot up, panic evident on her face, âyou heard us? Did you- could you hear what we said?â
Paige scoffs loudly, âoh right yeah because that would be really fucking bad wouldnât be it Azzi? God forbid anyone found out you fucked me.â
And she doesnât even know why sheâs arguing -honestly sheâs just as embarrassed at the idea of their teammates and rivals and everyone else in between actually overhearing their argument- but it pinches a nerve and she pointedly looks away from Azziâs ashen face.Â
âYou guys fucked?â Paige flinches at how loud Jana is and Aaliyah lets out a low groan.Â
âJana,â the Canadian warns, pinching the bridge of her nose.Â
âSorry but like,â Jana looks back and forth between Paige and Azzi, dropping her voice, âyâall fucked?â
Paige sighs, feeling drained as she leans back against a pillar for support, âthatâs what I said yes.â
If possible, Janaâs eyes get even wider, âso- so what does that mean for the two of you? Are you- are yâall gonna get back together?â
Azzi looks at Paige.Â
Paige looks at Azzi.Â
And itâs like theyâre both imploring each other to answer Janaâs question and to answer it right.Â
âIt means nothing,â itâs the wrong answer and Paige knows it even before she says it -can tell by the way Azzi barely reacts that she knows Paige doesnât even really believe herself- but she thinks maybe theyâre not quite ready to get it right. Not yet.Â
âWell there you go,â Azzi says quietly, shrugging nonchalantly at Jana, âit means nothing.â
Paige flinches at the repetition of her own words, looking away as Azzi starts walking towards the door again. The brunetteâs shoulder brushes against the older womanâs -sparks igniting around them- and she hesitates.Â
âIt means nothing,â Azzi repeats, her voice a longing whisper only meant for Paigeâs ears, âbut maybe it couldâve meant something. If youâd stayed.â
***
June 2033
Paige is sulking in her room -watching film to distract herself from the images of ClĂ©mence, Azzi and Stephie together from last night that her brain is hellbent on conjuring up- when her pity party is broken up by the sound of her doorbell. She has the urge to ignore it, to stay curled up in the same position sheâs been in all day. Itâs a rather pathetic way to have spent one of her rare days off but itâs the only thing sheâd felt like doing. But then whoeverâs outside her door starts to press the bell longer and Paige huffs -irritated by the loudness of it- as she forces herself out of bed.Â
Sheâs not sure who she was expecting. Perhaps Jana, whoâd caught on rather quickly to what was happening between her two former teammates and had been making somewhat of an attempt to help fix it. Maybe Colleen, here to knock some sense into her on Azziâs behalf. Or maybe even Tessa, who Paige had learned in the most awkward way, knew about them when the former Gamecock had made a teasing remark about the two of them the next practice, not knowing what had transpired two nights before. When both Paige and Azzi had immediately tensed, instead of blushing or rolling their eyes, Tessa had been perceptive enough to understand something had gone wrong. Sheâd been trying to help Jana ever since and Paige half expects it to be her at the door with words of wisdom and comfort alike.Â
Who she isnât expecting is Tim Fudd.Â
His wife, she wouldâve understood. After all Katie had done exactly that before and it was in the older womanâs nature to meddle just a little bit. Her husband, on the other hand, tended to stay as far out of things as possible. He could be a hovering coach and whenever Azziâs spirits were low, heâd be there with a ridiculous dad joke and arms outstretched for a big bear hug. But when it came to his daughterâs personal life, Tim Fudd did his best not to interfere.Â
Tim smiles at Paige when she opens the door, one hand holding up a bottle of whiskey with a grin on his face while his other hand is hidden behind his back. He rolls his eyes fondly when he notices the skeptical look Paige shoots at his liquor of choice before he reveals the premade bottle of dirty Shirley heâs been hiding behind his back.Â
âTsk tsk,â he grins mockingly, âwhat would the fans say if they knew their big bad rizzler canât drink anything but a sweet cocktail?â
Paige shakes her head as she steps aside to let the man inside, âjust cause I donât drink cheap whiskey, doesnât mean I donât drink anything other than cocktails.â
âCheap?!â Tim guffaws as the accusation, âIâll have you know this is a Macallan.â
âYou know that hat means nothing to me right,â Paige says as she follows his lead into her kitchen.Â
Itâs almost foreign having somebody else in her space. Since Drew had left -rather hesitantly after seeing his sisterâs condition- the house had been devoid of anyone else but Paige. Jana had tried to invite herself over a couple of times but it had gone in vain when Paige had chosen solitude over any company. Itâs not that she particularly wants to be alone, itâs that she thinks -no, she knows- that thereâs only two people who can cure this dreadful loneliness that feels like itâs become an innate part of existence.Â
âSit,â Tim says as he rummages through Paigeâs cupboards for two glasses.Â
Hesitating for a split second, Paige does as she's told, âdid Azzi send you?â
âAre you hoping she did?â Tim asks pointedly as he places two glasses one top of the counter, filling one with whiskey and other with dirty Shirley.Â
Paige swallows as she accepts the drink from his hand, ânah,â lies, â just uh- just feels like something sheâd do.â
Tim looks at her for a minute as he takes a sip of his whiskey.Â
âShe didnât send me,â he says finally and Paige tries to mask the tinge of disappointment his words send through her by taking a large swig of her shirley.Â
âThis tastes like shit,â she grimaces, wiping her mouth with the back of hand.Â
âThat premade stuff usually does. Itâs that easy shit you know? The things that just exist without you doing any work. Just doesnât hit the same as the harder stuff,â Tim says slowly as he leans back against his chair, a clear double meaning in his words.Â
âYouâre using alcohol as a metaphor? So I guess Katie sent you then?â Paige manages a half-smile but she feels her stomach churn at the implication of what heâd just said.Â
Tim laughs, âit was my idea actually.â
âHer meddling rubbing off on you?â Paige quirks an eyebrow.Â
Tim shakes his head, âIâm not here to meddle. Just wanted to tell you a story.â
Paige sighs, âso you are here to meddle then.â
Tim ignores her, fiddling with the glass of whiskey in his hands, âdid you know Katie and I almost didnât end up together?â
Paige stares at the older man in shock. Maybe she shouldnât be so surprised; relationships were complicated after all. But for all the years sheâd known Tim and Katie, theyâd always been just that. TimAndKatie. The epitome of stableness that had stood strong amongst all the other relationships Paige had watched break down one by one.
âDonât look so shocked,â Tim says lightly when he notices how wide Paigeâs eyes have gotten, âeveryone makes mistakes. Weâre all capable of doing dumb shit that almost makes us lose everything weâve ever loved.â
Paige gulps, âwhat- what did you do?â
âI left,â Tim says slowly.Â
âYou left?â the familiar words make Paige nauseous and she wonders if that slightly regretful look on Azziâs dadâs face is echoed on her own.Â
âIt was a couple months into our relationship and Katie and I had a huge fight. It was about her not letting me make a decision about Azzi,â Tim explains and the similarity of the situation almost makes Paige want to block her ears.Â
âIt was something small, something stupid. Probably nothing that even mattered cause I donât even remember it. But I remember how I felt. I was really fucking mad but more than anything I think- I think I was scared. Because that argument, it was a remind that even though I loved her so fucking much, Azzi wasnât mine. Not yet. And that if I lost Katie, Iâd lose her too. The idea of losing Katie was scary enough but losing both of them? I didnât know how to deal with that,â Tim's voice shakes, like heâs relieving his biggest fears and Paige feels her own eyes start to water; his words settling salt in her still-raw open wounds.Â
âAnd it got so heated and we were yelling all this bullshit at each other that eventually I just- I didnât know what else to do and I just- I started to leave. And Azzi- I guess we were so loud we woke her up- she- she saw me leaving,â thereâs an unfamiliar grave look on the normally jovial old manâs face as he reminisces that night, âshe ran down the stairs and threw herself at my knees begging me not to go but I- I was so mad and so fucking scared that I walked away anyways.â
âHow- how did you fix it?â Paige asks, her voice almost pleading as she wipes away the droplets of water running freely down her cheeks.Â
âWell not immediately thatâs for sure,â Tim cracks a smile, trying to lighten the mood, âtook me a little bit of time to pull my head out of my ass and when I finally did, Katie wasnât so quick to forgive me for it either. And it wasnât about her or me or us, it was about Azzi. The first time I showed up, she didnât even let me in. Said she could only let me through that door again if I could promise to stay. Because Azzi had seen me leave once and she wasnât gonna let her see it again.â
âIt mustâve killed you,â Paige whispers, her stomach twisting in knots, âthe guilt of hurting her.â
Tim nods, âit did but I think- or at least I hope Iâve made up for it now.â
âYou have,â Paige reaches over to squeeze his arm gently, âhow did you get her to forgive you?â
âSimple,â Tim places his own hand over hers as he continues, âwe talked it out. I explained all my fears to her. How scared I was of losing her, of losing Azzi. And she- she understood because she was scared too, scared of losing me, scared of Azzi losing me. In the end we were both scared of the same thing but all of that got a whole lot less scary when we faced it together.â
Maybe it would be a little less scary if we did it together
âHow did you get over it,â Paige asks, almost desperately, âthe fear of losing them? How did you move past that?â
Tim smiles wistfully, âtime. Not time apart but time together. It wasnât easy taking that first step, facing that fear but I knew if I wanted them, it was what I was gonna have to do. And I had to trust Katie, that if I stayed, sheâd stay.â
âAnd she stayed,â Paige says softly.Â
âYeah she did,â this time, Timâs grin breaks through his entire, âand the more time she stayed, the more my trust in her grew until one day I just knew. I knew she wasnât gonna leave ever again. Well, maybe sheâs thought about it a couple of times like when I nearly burnt the house down tryna make cookies or when I accidentally tore a hole in our wall tryna hang up a photo frame.Â
Paige lets out a watery laugh as Tim winks at her, everything suddenly seeming a lot more simple than it had before the older man had walked through her door.Â
âI know itâs not quite the same for you and Azzi,â Tim continues slowly, âyou guys have a history that Katie and I didnât. You both have more reasons to be scared than the two of us did. But Paige, Iâve always thought you were it for my baby girl. From the moment she came back from USA camp and all she could talk about was you, I just knew.â
Paige canât help the broken sob that escapes her lips and Tim immediately rounds the kitchen counter to wrap an arm around her shoulder.Â
âWhen she was pregnant with Stephie, she kept on asking for mint-choc chip ice cream. Said it was a craving or something. And she decorated everything for her in purple. All the baby clothes she bought were shades of purple,â he doesnât quite say why Azzi did all of that but thereâs a clear implication in his words.Â
And Paige thinks that probably, why she and Stephie are so similar, why they shared so many favorites, why the little girl had always felt like hers. Because Azzi had given a part of Paige to her daughter, even when she hadnât had Paige herself.Â
âKatie and Azzi, theyâre mine but I think- I think if maybe someone else had gotten to them first -someone who loved them just as much as I do- maybe thereâs a chance things would be different but Paige,â Tim squeezes the younger woman gently, âI think Azziâs always been waiting for you. Subconsciously at least. Thereâs never really been anybody elese for her. Her and Stephie, theyâve both always been waiting for you, theyâve both always been yours.â
âYou mean that?â Paige asks croakily and she feels like sheâs a teenager again, asking Tim to pinky promise that heâd like her box-dyed purple hair no matter what.Â
âI do,â Tim smiles as he looks at her, âand I think theyâll be yours forever. I think they want to be. You just have to say youâll stay.â
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It's time for a story you all might know!
Once upon a time a kindly old man named Gerald "Pop-pop" Robotnik wanted to make a son who was the ultimate lifeform. And the ultimate lifeform he decided on was... a hedgehog!
Yeup, this thing! It just needs some red streaks and cool sneakers and teleportation powers and it'll be the peak of evolution! But the artistic process is one of trial and error! The original concept for the ultimate lifeform working title was in fact...
Name: The Biolizard
Debut: Sonic Adventure 2
Oh shit! It's The Biolizard, Shadow the Hedgehog's older brother! And he's cute, right? It's not just me, The Biolizard is cute. A mouth so muppety and guns for eyes, to me The Biolizard is lovely prize...
Smile! I just think it's funny we have two iterations for the ultimate life's form and they're so drastically different! I think we can all understand the urge to make a cyborg lizard before Keanu Reeves. It's THE Biolizard mind you! Biolizard is a title!
Though, come to think of it... I feel like most lizards are already pretty bio-logical. I'd say The Biolizard is less biological than most lizards! Due to the gun eyes!
Oh yeah, and The Biolizard is also the final boss of Sonic Adventure 2, fusing with the space station to become a guy called Finalhazard. Cool! I'm starting to think Shadow might not be that much better than this guy. Shadow can't do that! So what if he has DNA from Space Satan?
So maybe The Biolizard just needed to be taught how to love! Maybe he was just hungry and needed a big meal of giant bug and worm. Maybe he was in constant pain from being a bioengineered abomination. We don't know. There's literally no way to know either way.
What we do know, is that The Biolizard got to come back this year as a boss in Shadow Generations! Hooray! My boy, he is so textured. And is that what I think it is?
Yes it is! He has teeth now! Little cute teeth, but he's not afraid of showing them off!
Aaaand, we even get this nice flashback picture of little baby Biolizard! Having a bath haha :)
Ooprs! Someone had a bathtime fail!
As of writing this post I haven't seen the Sonic Movie 3 so I can't talk about the cameo appearance he probably has in it. But I can talk about this!
Yes! Lego Biolizard. I'm talking about it! Okay, post over now bye.
Edit: I saw the movie but I don't want to talk about it because that would be spoilers so if you leave a reply about it The Biolizard will Eat You
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fight the future part 1
AHHHHH, iâm so EXCITEDDDD!!!
it usually takes me an hour and a half to write up my initial thoughts on a 45 minute episode, PLUS more time to edit them before posting, so this 2 hour movie is probably going to take all night LMAOOOO
but after having some brief troubles with my laptopâs DVD player, here we are!!!! i cannot wait!!! iâm so excited!! everyone has really hyped this up. but i read the back of the DVD and it didnât mention gibson at all? so are we just pushing that to the side for now?
okay. yeah. iâll have to not worry about that little boy.Â
oh, and yeah, i'm watching it on a DVD! the quality is... not great. which i suppose adds to the immersion.
post-movie thoughts: i can see shrimp colors and feel their secret emotions.
letâs GOOOOO!
theme music playingâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ.. over some oily looking stuffâŠ. YEAH BABY!!!!!
we are in a blizzard. two figures run. wait, itâs texas? oh, itâs ancient texas. a very different time from now.
let us enter a cave together, where we can start a fire and rest. and look around with torches. deeper and deeper into this labyrinth journey the cavemen. it looks like skyrim. i half expect a skeever to jump out
wah! who is this in the ice?
ALIEN ATTACK??? what is going on? alien vs cavemen! place your bets!!! one caveman down!!! the alien escaped?? other caveman wants to know where tf it went!
i get the sense a jumpscare is coming. WHAT IS THAT THING??? it looks like a flounder??????? surviving caveman stabs it and it bleeds. OHHH.... IS THAT THE BLACK OIL STUFF???? YEAH, it is!!! and it crawls all over the caveman!!!!Â
wahhhh!!! abrupt jump cut to a boy named stevie falling into a cave. stevie, there may be monsters afoot, please be careful. stevie wants this skull for himself. please alert any local archaeologists of this find instead of stealing it or its historical context will forever be lost to time. NO STEVIE! the goop!!!!! it is upon him!!!
maybe this is what he gets for trying to steal archaeological remains. take notes, children. a lesson was learned today.
it crawls up his legs like evil slugs!!!! and into his eyeballs!! the other kids run!!!
they abandoned stevie in his hour of need⊠personally, i would not forgive them for this
some yellow firetrucks are here to save the day (and who has ever seen a yellow firetruck?). go, fetch stevie. the fireman up top canât hear the ones down in the cave through the radio!!!
now, what is this helicopter doing at the scene? they bring out a pod-thing to store stevie in. and this other guy (later revealed to be named bronschweig- simply too many german names on this show) is watching the boy with grave concern.
THIS DUDE LEAVES THE FIREMEN DOWN THERE TO DIE?????
absolutely DIABOLICAL.
a ton more trucks pull in and block off the area while the doctor bronschweig guy calls someone to say thatâŠ. the impossible scenario that they never planned for??? well, they better come up with a plan!!
a week later, a helicopter arrives in dallas. the FBI says there is no evidence of an explosive in this building, but this other guy (michaud) says they had better check again. he sees something in the distanceâŠ.. upon the roof....
SCULLY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cheered and screamed!
âmulder, itâs me!â âwhere are you scully?â âiâm on the roofâ <- it was her on the roof!! oh, my heart is so happy to see her!!! she says she hasn't found anything. and you know she is good at observing
LMAOOOOO she wants to know what the fuck she is doing there!!! after going up 12 floors of stairs!!! they are not acting in accordance with the data on how to respond to terrorist threats!!! the bomb threat was called in ACROSS THE STREET!! lives could be lost!!! yes diva, monologue statistics!
BOO! mulder scares her LMAOOO LMAOOOOOOO aww. babies.
(her lecturing him on the statistics and terrorist behavioral analysis is so funny because he is the behavioral analysis guy... but i recognize that they are doing a sort of character introduction for the girlies who are just tuning in for the movie, and she is the one who likes to do things by the book)
(he pops a sunflower seed) âwhat are we doing up here, scully? itâs hotter than hellâ <- many are asking this question...
NOOOOO, heâs bored because theyâve CLOSED THE X FILES đđđ and now they have to follow the rules!!! and do boring things like look for bombs! but at least they get to do it together? that has to be a plus!
âmaybe we should call in a bomb threat to houston; i think itâs free beer night at the astrodomeâ (she glares at him) LMAOOOOO sheâs mad as hell!!!! and so is he!!! but in a different direction!
OHHHHHH she pretends the door is lockedâŠ. and he goes into open itâŠ. AHAHAHA, OH I JUST GIGGLED!!!
âitâs locked?â âso much for anticipating the unforeseenâ (he opens it and turns to her, who is smiling, crossing her arms) âi had youâ (heâs laughing) âno you didnâtâ âhad you big time"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH i love when they write scully as a smartass!!! THAT IS MY BABY!! <3
SHEâS STILL TEASING HIM AS THEY GO INSIDE, BAHAHAHA! he says he saw her jiggle the handle; âi saw your face, mulder, there was a definite moment of panicâ âyouâve never seen me panic. when i panic, i make this faceâ (he has no discernible expression)
BANTER!!! THE BANTER OF IT ALL!!!
OHHHH, SHE MAKES HIM BUY HER A SODA and she wants something SWEET... AGAIN, i say, that is my baby!!!!!!
15 minutes in and iâm already kicking my feet and giggling at their banter, oh my god⊠this is going to ruin me
LMAOOO what the hell did he just pull out of his pocket as he is putting the change in for a soda?!!
bro is slamming all of the buttonsâŠ. bro is kicking the machine⊠i have been there too, brother, i promise.Â
aha! the machine was unplugged!
this DVD is skipping a little but i think he got locked in the drink room đ for what purpose??
he panics and calls scully on his nokia, and her number is 555-0113 btw, for those of you who keep track of these things
he says he found the bomb!!!! and she thinks he is joking, but he is absolutely not!!!Â
OH SHIT!!!!! the bomb really is in there!!!! where the vending machine should be!! he starts counting downâŠâŠ.
so scully runs out, saying that she will get him out of there, but first: get everyone else out!!!!
YES, TELL THEM GIRL!!! âi need this building evacuated and cleared out in ten minutes. i want you to call the fire department and have them block off the city center and a one-mile radius around the buildingâ âten minutes?â âDONâT THINK! pick up that phone and make it happen!â <- YAAAAAAS EXACTLY RIGHT!!!
love when she raises her voice at men who doubt her. it brings me inner peace.
she needs to speak to michaud NOWâŠ. tell him to deploy the FBI AT ONCE!!!!
oh, poor mulder, stuck in a locked room with the vending machine bombâŠ.. he jumps when his cellphone rings. âscully, you know that face i just showed you? iâm making it againâ <- NOOOOO his normally cool exterior is cracking đ
she informs him to get away from the door because they are coming in. is michaud a welder????? or do they just keep one on hand for events like this?
michaud says to get out NOW!!! and mulder doesnât want to listen, but scully forces him out. now why tf would this michaud guy know how to diffuse a bomb?? but he says he does.
okay, but he lies, because heâs just sitting there looking at it?????
mulder wants to run back in but she SCREAMS IN HIS FACE THAT THEY DONâT HAVE TIME!!!
(this was most pleasing to me as well. something about her screaming in his face to save him made me nod in approval)
they just barely get in the car, when the whole building blows!!!! poor limping agents emerge from the bombing as the place is in ruins. ânext time, youâre buyingâ, mulder says. oh, this man, and his dumbass quipsâŠ
back to the FBI headquarters in DC. is scully in trouble??!?! but skinner is here!!!! surely he will defend her! oh no⊠mulder is here, too. there were 5 deaths in the explosion!!!
mulder rushes in, asking if the bodies really were found in the building, because they were told it was clear. but this lady tells him he was late and he better go wait outside⊠what is afoot at this moment� skinner shakes his head ever so slightly
cut to him pounding sunflower seeds outside the door while the meeting takes place.
skinner emerges!!!!! NOOOO he gently informs mulder that theyâre being blamed for this!!! he was so careful about the way he worded this news, too đđ
âif they want somebody to blame, they can blame me. agent scully doesnât deserve thisâ âsheâs in there right now saying the same thing about youâ <- OHHHHHHâŠâŠâŠ.. i fell to my knees in a walmart parking lot.
(metaphorically, of course. for in reality, i sit here, cozy in bed)
mulder says that he broke protocol by leaving the SAC, so he should take the blame, but she says she was the one who ordered him out. and he denies wanting to go back in.
poor scully :( she emerges
and now the people from the panel in the meeting room want skinner back :( she always calls him âsirâ :(
NOOOOO, THEYâRE SPLITTING OUR AGENTS UP??? đÂ
âthis is not about you scully, theyâre doing this to meâ âtheyâre not doing this. mulder, i left behind a career in medicine⊠because i thought that i could make a difference at the FBI, but it hasnât turned out that way, and now if they were to transfer me to omaha, or cleveland, or some field office it just doesnât hold the interest for me that it once did. not after what iâve seen and doneâ <- OHHHHHH⊠his face while she says thisâŠ
and her guiltâŠ. itâs like she wants to atone.
again, scully and her need to Do The Morally Correct Thing at all costs. and at this point, can she say that being in the FBI is the Morally Correct Thing to do? i don't blame her for wanting to go be a doctor instead, even though i am surprised she doesn't want to figure out who got her sick and killed her sister. maybe she thought if she cut her losses now, she could still make a life for herself somewhere else.
she looks so SAD, and she says sheâs sorry, and when mulder walks away, she grabs his jacket that he left behind... ohhhhh my GOD, her standing alone in the hallway⊠someone please kill me
(post viewing note: i think he was trying to blame himself for the whole situation and assuage her guilt with the "this is not about you, scully" line, but it seemed like he was saying that he was the only one being persecuted for the pursuit of the great and noble Truth, which rubbed me the wrong way. i think i know what he MEANT, but when he said they were doing this to HIM, it was like, damn, pretty sure y'all have been a team... again with the hearing 'i' when he ought to hear 'we')
NOOOOO! mulderâs absolutely smashed at the bar. bro barely drinks and tonight he is going for the gold.Â
AND THE BARTENDER ASKS WHAT HE DOES SO HE JUST. TELLS HER EVERYTHING??? so she cuts him off for the night. because his alien story seems to indicate his inebriation.
oh my god, it's like it doesn't bother him that he is a joke to his peers when he is getting results, but when he is separated from those results, being belittled hurts
âone is the loneliest numberâ <- SAID BY THE MAN who never wanted a partnerâŠ.. oh my godâŠ..
OH, the poor guy canât even go to the bathroom in peace⊠which leaves him pissing against the wall⊠truly an all time low for my best friend mulder
this guy is talking to him while he goes to the bathroom. he says he has been watching his career for a whileâŠâŠ.. since he was a promising young agentâŠ.. okay, who is this kurtzweil fellow? OH! HE CLAIMS TO BE âAN OLD FRIEND OF YOUR FATHERâSâ EEK! i donât think that will endear him to youÂ
HE CALLS THEM âFELLOW TRAVELERSâ.... RED MR. MULDER CONFIRMED???
heâs trying to get away from this guy. kurtzweil heard he comes in there sometimes. huh, thatâs interesting. i feel like we never see him drink. and he said he usually doesnât, which he stated as much before. maybe he goes there on the tough nights. maybe he gets bored. maybe his general sobriety is being retconned in this film. very interesting.
bro is trying to get tf out of there⊠but kurtzweil says that michaud never tried to diffuse that bomb!! "they" wanted the medical quarantine office in that dallas building destroyed!! which is where the bodies came from!!! the dead they found were already dead before the bomb went off!!!!
ohhhh, mulder's eyes are alight again⊠he tells the doctor he thinks heâs full of shit, but i can see that spark in his drunk and pondering eyes.
he is now off to georgetown. where poor scully cannot sleep. in her white robe. sadly looking at the ceiling.
(i know nothing about DC. so scully lives in georgetown? then where does he live? how far away is that? you have to call a cab, so it's probably pretty far... how long are their journeys to work? and most importantly, how far are they from the museums?)
OH she immediately clocks that he is drunk and she is SUSPICIOUS. oh, i want to STUDY this interaction:
âoh, i woke you. did i wake you?â (he stumbles in)
ânoâ
âwhy not? itâs 3 in the morningâÂ
âare you drunk, mulder?â (i find it very fascinating she asks this without judgement- just very matter of fact)
âi⊠i⊠uh, was, until about 20 minutes ago, yeahâ
âwas that before or after you decided to come here?â
âwhat exactly are you implying?â
(she stares at him) âgo home, mulderâ
âno, get dressedâ
âitâs lateâ
âget dressedâ
âwhat are you doing?âÂ
âjust get dressed, and iâll explain on the wayâ <- ohhhhhhâŠ. will she go with him?
she will, but only after a deep sigh
(post-viewing thoughts: i thought this was so fascinating because it felt like she thought he was going to break whatever tenuous barrier was between them. like, he was either going to try and sleep with her, or beg her to stay, and either one was something she couldn't handle. it felt like she assumed it was sexual, to me at least. and that firm rejection was very interesting. i shall unpack this for decades, i am sure)
back to texas, where the quarantine effort where stevie and the firemen fell in the hole is being resumed. AND CSM IS LIGHTING UP AS HE DESCENDS FROM HIS HELICOPTER!!! sadly and pensively smoking.Â
the guy from before who we saw leave the firemen behind- bronschweig- has something to show CSM. AUGH, the fireman that they left in the hole is still alive, but he is very goopy??? why is this???
the black oil alien is eating him away!!! but they managed to slow it down by bringing him back to freezing!!!
he asks if CSM wants him to destroy âthis one too, before it gestatesâ and he says no, no. we need to try the vaccine. and if it doesnât work⊠burn it like the others. nasty.
AUGH....... the oil alien moved in the fireman's body a little bit. didn't care for it.
the agents are rolling up to the naval hospital at 4 am. i sure do hope mulder wasnât the one driving. scully does not seem like the type to allow this.
LMAOOOO he is trying to get into the morgue by pushing around the young and inexperienced guard, and he does that thing where he calls him âsonâ, which makes me feel so weird, but the trickery of a guy named fox never fails to amuse me. he points out to scully once they're successfully inside that itâs pretty weird a hospital morgue is suddenly off limits on the orders of a general. yeah, seems sus.
mulder is unboxing this corpse, and it is horribly sticky!!! sheâs gloving up to investigate. âgod, itâs completely edematousâ, she notes, and i giggled when she said that. scully using medical words makes my heart skip beats. i even giggled while gagging as she dragged her fingers through the human body that had become gel. and there was evidently absolutely no autopsy, she declares!!! the death report is obviously not true!!!
(shoutout to the props team)
STEALING A BODY with agents mulder and scully! but she is concerned! it takes a long time to conduct an autopsy! sheâs worried they'll get caught!! âweâre being blamed for this manâs death. iâd like to know what he died ofâ, mulder points out, and you know what? i canât really argue with that logicÂ
how is she gonna cut the body open if heâs goop?!?!
off to dr. kurtzweilâs apartment, where an outside investigation is taking place, and you bet mulder is going to crash it.
OH SHIT??? the cops who are in kurtweil's place accuse him of a very serious crime??? mulder also found a book he wrote about âglobal domination conspiracyâ um⊠can we trust this guy?Â
earlier when he said he was an OBGYN, my first thought was that he was one of those guys who works in the fertility clinics and makes the clone people⊠maybe he really is?
(after seeing the film, i think it was just a coincidence LMAO)
mulder make a joke about needing a pelvic examination and cracks the other cop up lmao. he has a way of charming people
GASP! as he tries to leave, heâs being summoned around the corner by kurtzweil!!! he says "they" know that he is talking to mulder. mulder is like how tf did you know all that about the goop guy in the hospital morgue?
well, let me tell you a story about a mouse disease, says kurtzweil.
and FEMA mentionedâŠ. what are they doing in a mouse disease outbreak?? with their newfound powers? hmm.
MR. MULDER LORE!!!! they worked on a bio weapon together. âa plague to end all plagues⊠a planned armageddonâ arranged with the aliens!! that's... not good.
so he says the president will declare a state of emergency when this plague arrives, and all power will come under FEMA/the secret government. and then i think he implies it will be transferred over to the aliens?
he says to go back to texas and dig⊠or else.
poor FEMA. always being blamed for something.
meanwhile, scully is working on getting an autopsy on the goopy body. but there are people approaching!!!
she hides!!! in the freezer!!!! but no!!!! her phone goes off!!!!
LMAOOOO!!! DESPITE the horrible timing, she picks up and says she canât really talk right now- but mulder wants to know more about this infection she found.Â
he wants her to come to dallas with him, but she says she canât, she has a hearing tomorrow!!! OH SHIT!!! the army men are approaching, but just in time she hides under the bodiesâŠâŠ very gross
now mulder is in a lab far away. looks like she did not accompany him to texas.
JUST KIDDING!!! SHE DID!!! she walks in right as he is told about some archaeological bone fragments!!
she didnât want to come, but whatever those men were infected with has a protein code she has never seen before!! and i KNOW scully knows her protein codes!!! it is a serious health threat!!!
time to look at the fossils with a microscope. oh, whatever she sees is crazy, judging by the face she is making
(i thought it was so funny how he tells the dude in the lab he wanted her to explore the bones because it was so conveniently timed AND because they were archaeological remains that were thousands of years old, and i'm thinking, is she trained in archaeology? or is that implied with a training in forensic pathology? at what age is a bone no longer in her area of expertise?!)
back to the texas siteâŠ. the scary government people are going to try the vaccine. BLEH, whatever was in that guy has come free through his chest!!!!!!!!!!! bronschweig is looking around all over the place, freaking tf out!!!! where did it go?!!!!!
bronschweig says he can see it?? in a cave.
it looks slimy. and kinda little? heâs loading up a syringe with some sort of liquid that must be the vaccine, but then it vanishes!!!
OH. IT IS NOT LITTLE. NOT LITTLE AT ALL!!!!
GIRL. IT EATED HIM!?!!!! bronschweig stabs the alien fellow with the vaccine, but the other scientists lock him down in the hole because he has been mauled!!!!!!! and they bury him!!!! damn!!! there are truly no alliances in this alien business!!!!
why are we in england now? OHHHHH! ITâS WELL-GROOMED MAN!!! his butler says he has a callâŠ.
(okay, yeah, his name is âwell-manicured manâ, as the subtitles show, but come on!! itâs been 5 seasons of me calling him the wrong name!! i canât switch it up now!!)
CSM says there is an emergency meeting TONIGHT. and strughold called it- whoever tf that is.
i have a feeling i am supposed to be most sympathetic towards well-groomed man. especially as he runs for what i presume to be his crying grandchild who hurt their knee. he was also the only one to advocate for working alongside the resistance, which morally elevated him above the others. but still. he is IN the alien groupchat, which you do not enter by being a morally clean fellow
syndicate meeting time!! who is this strughold fellow? aww, well-manicured manâs grandson broke his legs :(
so, breaking news: the alien virus has mutated into a new entity! they need to reevaluate their role in the colonization! well-groomed man points out that they have been used this whole time!! and they dismiss all of his wisdom!
so, they are once again going to ignore his advice of trying to have any hope. but there have been complications⊠allow us to look at a TV to illustrate
it is mulder and scully on the security footage!!! someone must have tipped him off to what is going on!! and they suspect kurtzweil. so he must go. and so must mulder.
but if they kill mulder, they risk turning one man's quest into a wider crusade⊠so they must take away what he cannot live withoutâŠÂ
cut to scully!!!! NOOOOOO!
ahhhhh!! i left off at 54:52, i feel that this is an okay place to leave for the night, because my writeups take so long. i started this almost 2 hours ago, and i think a break is appropriate here. so! until tomorrow!!!
ahhhh⊠so many things to analyze. while trying to fall asleep, i couldnât stop thinking about the following: scully teasing mulder at the very beginning of the film; how she doesnât want to work for the FBI anymore without him, and how she no longer feels she can make a change there (and how she Needs to make change rather than simply earn a paycheck); how she is trying to find her place in life still; his sadness at this fact; how he went to the bar and got smashed to cope, spilling his guts out to the waitress, clearly crushed that the world thinks heâs a joke when he doesn't have the answers to dull the pain; how he showed up to scullyâs place drunk and she was confused, and the careful line of their relationship was being walked upon when he did so, but she still followed him into the hospital; and then how she immediately started nerding out about the goopy guy, and then hid in the morgue to autopsy him!!!!! and then thereâs the whole thing with the well-groomed man and the aliens and colonization and blah blah blah, but come on!! i want my babies back together!! kicking ass and taking names!!! so.
part 2 shall commence shortly!
#woohoo! i think editing part 2 is going to take much longer so please enjoy this until i can get that up and share it with the world!#oh scully teasing mulder and wanting a sweet drink is just killing me. my beloved...#now of course i know what happens next but when i stopped watching for the night OH i was SO CURIOUS#i contemplated watching it all at once but that would have taken at LEAST 4 hours and i am far too sleepy for this!#so! i will be back with part 2 soon! and boy is there a lot to say about that as well!#juni's x files liveblog#the x files#txf
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WE ARE SO BACK (that is the Silver Bullets girls)
#IM SO EXCITEDDDDD#have a final tn and one tmr and then iâm DONE#and i have a thing or two that need some writing and editing and then are ready to post đ€©đ€©đ€©đ€©đ€©#(ie a kennedy x bucky piece that makes me so obsessed with them)#silver bullets#the sb girlies#mota writings#masters of the air#I! AM! SO! EXCITED!#WE ARE BACKKKK
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THE BEST OF SHENKO 1/?
The end of the world has a way of reminding you of all the things you forgot to say do. Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs âš#kaidan alenko#sophie shepard#EDI#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#OTP: you're real enough for me#i learned i am physically incapable of creating less than like 20 gifs at a time#but shenko stonks are up right now!!#gifâing my favorite bisexuals gives me joy đ„č#even though ME2 is dry as shit for shenko content like itâs literally the sahara desert#like a whole ass 10 minutes max of cutscenes between shep and kaidan like come on#like 2 minutes in the prologue and like 8 minutes of cutscenes on horizon#and then an email and looking at the picture in your cabin before the suicide mission#i'm so sorry y'all ME2 shenko canon is absolute shit (besides kaidan being rightfully angry on horizon) which is why we âšignore itâš đ„°#but i rant about ME2 VS treatment too much so i will not write another essay about it in the tags#i will say the EDI line isn't the exact quote from the game but i think about it a lot tbf#same with the quote i borrowed from anderson too lmao (which is also a tiny bit paraphrased)#i just love EDI asking shep for relationship advice when you get to follow shep and kaidan's relationship/struggles across 3 games#and anderson's quote about all the things you forgot to do in relation kahlee to is just *chef's kiss* when you think about shenko#like whether it starts in ME1 or ME3 shenko has some really fantastic moments across the series#two characters with strong morals who realize that they're falling in love and literally start to become each other's strength??#their soft place to land?? their support when they need it?? shenko will always have my heart#also the shenko quotes you get are the most fire thing in the world#you're real enough for me?? you make me feel human?? i want to be your strength- your soft place to land?? shenko you will always be famous#I FORGOT IM GONNA FIGHT LIKE HELL FOR THE CHANCE TO HOLD YOU AGAIN TOO LIKE??#but iâll stop ranting now bc i do that wayyy to much in my tags lol. have a good day wherever you are! <3
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Just my thoughtsâas a fandom hermit of sorts.
Creating for nobody but yourself is actually discouraging when it's done repulsively. You'll feel its hard slap later down the lineâunless your inner reader began to enjoy you as an author. They will gradually subside your inner critic and might teach them few lessons in how to appreciate maybe not the work itselfâwho of us doesn't have an one we dislike in some way?âbut the craftwork went behind its creation.
How to do that?
Surprisingly easy.
Watch your creative decisions. Introspect. See yourself in your work.
You are inseparable in some way or another, your reflection is present within it, and by that I imply how you felt writing it and why did you think something would or wouldn't work. The only one who usually know is you, so, if you feel something is wrong, it probably is. The best is the enemy of the good, yes, but I'm not talking about perfectionism. I'm talking about the need to listen to that tingle and being able to assess it before editing.
Perfectionism is, in a sense, artistic pessimism. It tells you everything is wrong but it can't be an objective truth. Then some scenes must be wrong, and alright, good, the field is narrowed down. Which ones? Where? Why? At that point, put the work away for a day or two, then re-open, re-see, realise, that yes, that could be improved, except it isn't a scene. It's a sloppy word choice. It changed the sentence, that avalanched into a little rearrangement, and voila, everything works.
You fight the pessimistic outlook with a little bit of rest.
The more you learn how to treat your work, the more you might grow excited to try new things and not because you want to show them to the world but first to yourself.
That little part of you is who actually matter. Learn to love these little emotion abstractions. Care for the little guy, nurse them, feed them different ideas, styles, work them up to your master and see yourself forming in directions you'd never thought you would be able to simply because themâyouâwanted to try something new. It would not matter if those were successful or not; when the entire process is a journey, the output's performance begins to matter very little.
Besides, the little guy would want companyâand that's when other people come in. The reader doesn't like negative responses or no responses at all, true. Know who does? Your inner critic.
They're all too eager to overthink things and they're the perpetrator of your pessimism. So make them analyse why something clicks for many people and why something goes under their radar, make them a little analytics-building machine (which is also a skill), and just keep its outputs close in case you're curious how different fandoms or communities work. It's mostly a useless information. But you will be certain about things, and certainty brings comfort.
It will help to find readers in case you'd need more, too. Or if you'd like to meet someone new. But is it a guaranteed method? No, it isn't. Sometimes you'll write the most influential fandom monsterfic and all these people will pass by. Othertimes you'd write the smallest fic in the fandom but all its people will get around it because they liked your take on things or became curious with your ideasâand they can actually stuck around. You may never know. Fandom isn't business, it is rather a wild fair with barely predictable events in its main mystery.
Besides.
You can't make yourself a miracle to everyone; but be the miracle to yourself, and people will notice it and will try to comprehend you. Be Original, they say. They lie. They want the same jacket but red. Or the same jacket but sewn from kelps. Be Familiar But Be Outland-ish. Do your thing, that everybody else does, in your own fascinating way. Be the artist after all, be that bitch and leave people with the art-shaped holes in their thoughts.
I used to play an instrument once. I was bad at it, well, I was taught poorly and was only ever learning how to play from the sheets. It never go outwith or far and the instrument is long-sold, but I'm still able to recall the emotions I had while playing it. Heartbeat was the metronome, the hands were going in perfect synch, the entire body was able to feel the timings, and at some point, it wasn't simply the flow and going along with it. It was being the flow. The architect behind its creationâwell, yes, the music wasn't mine, but being able to recreate it and make it sound as it supposed to sound was utterly captivating, enamouring, absolutely wondrous experience.
Years later I became enamoured with the writingâthe process of it. If I manage to build the flow correctly and sail down my own rivers with little to no bump, unless planned, I'm overjoyed and amazed.
But will it go far? How well will it perform? Sometimes I do care if I know people might be interested, but beyond that, it's just doing its thing and bringing me joy because it's a puzzle, because it's a never-ending fascinationâand because it's even more than that when done in the completely different tongue. And people take to it. Because it looks fun, perhaps, or it's something they had rarely seen before done in the language, or maybe it's just the way I tend to pick words and arrange them. I always get different answers. But what I know for certain: that something I found within me works both for me and people liking my things.
That what matters.
It all might sound a tad bit mental but it's so important to be in harmony with yourself as an author, as a reader, and as your own criticâwho else knows you as much as you? Don't forget the people you haveâthe crowds will come and go, but the friends will stay.
Maybe this is a hot take, but as creative people, our #1 priority in our work should be ourselves.
It is not, AND SHOULD NEVER BE, what would get us the most engagement. Dispel "content creation," popularity, and monetization from your brain. Write, paint, draw what you want to! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!
The people who resonate with it will eventually show up. But the people who don't? Who cares???? The art you personally create is meant to help you heal, to help you express, to bring you joy and pain!!!!
You need to learn how to work on something because you deeply care for it and can revel in that self-satisfaction. Of course recognition feels fucking great! We all want it. We are humans, but you need to stop creating with the idea of other people consuming your work!!!
Give into the art movement. Create a renaissance for yourself. Fuck other people. Be that bitch! People are not going to be in your lives forever, and when you're left to your own devices, you should be able to look at what you've created and fucking love it.
#ĐŽĐœŃĐČĐŸŃĐșĐ°: ŃĐ”Đ±Đ»ĐŸĐł#being rambly at 8am hee hee#yes it can be argued friends aren't easy to make but ask yourself this: do you want friends for their quantity or quality?#it also can be argued that im talking about the unachievable things. but i exist. and i never did imply it's a short journey#and this:#DONT CALL CREATIVE WORK CONTENT#is absolutely correct. you're not a content creator. you are an artist#content is something you put on a website to fill up the space; a filler. art leaves impressions and cut holes and gets stuck with people
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I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been
#us elections#us politics#election 2024#i talked to an older friend today and he helped a lot#being with people helps#reminding myself that people care helps#47.5% of people in the usa care#which is a minority but at least it's close enough of a minority to a coin flip that i can always find good people#i am trying to be positive and not live out these last two months of peace in despair#being alone hurts more and i spent too much time today doomscrolling but i need some time to prepare for what i might see in the future#i do not want to make plans i do not want to make plans i should not NEED TO HAVE PLANS FOR A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION#when i was 15 i had a whole plan for a novel i wanted to write. it was a whole carpe diem/memento mori about living life before it's over#it was going to be a good book. but now i'm not sure i believe in what i am saying enough to write it.#and i am not sure if it would be what the world needs.#but it would have been a good book. it would have been an amazing book and i didn't want to start because i didn't know how#and i wanted to wait until i had more writing and life experience to do it justice#and now i just don't have the OPTIMISM to do it justice and now it may never be written#moral of the story is write the thing NOW edit later make the thing now while you are still passionate about it existing#contrary to the contents of this post i am actually doing much better than i was this morning.#today an irl friend held my hand as i cried under a couch and an online friend reached out to make sure i am okay and i am not alone.#a lot of it is cold comfort. but at least i am regaining some faith in humanity. not all of it. i will never again have all of it.#but i will have enough.#i am a little more afraid of dying young than i was this morning and that is good. that is good.#i am not the only one who has lived through a historical event.#i will do a lot more tiredposting in the near future#especially as inauguration day comes up#but for now in the tags i feel at least a little better.#seraph rambles#seraph originals#side note: the content of the actual post is reminding me of otherkin back in like the 2010s lol remember when that was a thing on tumblr
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@megatraven
I was going to put this in your ask box bc I didnât intend for it to be longâŠ.but it is and I have to put it as itâs own post lol.
So Do you remember the Hercules song fic of âLove Me I Begâ and breakdown for how it fits him? If not here it is again. When I made that post, I was thinking of doing a fic for Hercules and MC friendship and everything that I mentionedâŠbut itâs not coming together properly. The only part I have done, which I thought would be nice to share, is a scene where MC and him are arguing about something he did or said. Like how he believes he himself is not as great as others bc heâs a demigod (even tho he doesnât say it directly like that bc of pride and he has to be a Man and canât be emotional) and MC will not stand for it. She may not like him very much, but she sees the person in him (though itâs difficult to) and she sees the insecurity and she hates how it contorts him and hurts him and others. His own feelings hurt others around him, whether he truly believes that or not or doesnât even realize it.
They get into the argument of MC saying he shouldnât hate on humans or monsters bc he sees them as different and âweakâ, because heâs just been raised to see things that way and has this insecurity fueled by the others around him for millennia. He can change and be different and can alter his view and be better. But he keeps arguing on and on, and at some point I have the dialogue of MC getting fed up and pushed past her kindness saying,
âI donât see a hero in you, all I see is a MONSTER!â
And then she leaves him with that slap in the face. Not physicalâŠthough I have considered it to happen to stand as a waking up call. But anyways it hits him hard mainly bc heâs all about taking auras and has taken monstersâ aura (and she knows about this. In this AU I see her being close friends with basically everyone so she knows the stories) but he understands sheâs not talking about a monster, but a MONSTER MONSTER. An evil creature, and not a Hero he believes he is. At least, in my head Hercules sees himself as that because isnât he Zeusâs hero? Like in literal terms like how Nyela was Aphroditeâs hero, isnât Hercules Zeusâs hero? If not, then letâs pretend he is lol.
Anyways, it really hits him and makes him think of how heâs been raised. AND the other really hitting dialogue that makes him mad (but also really thinkâąïž about things) is MC literally saying, âYour family has failed you,â bc she sees his opinions, learns more about the godsâ views from him, and begins to see the turmoil and problems he has and the harshness and ugliness of the gods and and see the awful ways he was raised and she canât help but compare it to how her mother was so loving and accepting and encouraging and how his family SHOULD be like that and AGH. MC may not like him, but she wants to help. But she also is like âand I mean if you could give the auras backâŠâ since she loves the monsters in my AU lol.
But, yeah, I just have these two pieces of dialogue (and a few others if youâd like to hear about them) and kinda ideas for them. That I need to write one day bc itâs one of the thoughts in my head constantly and I need to get it outđ.
And I also hope you enjoy your vacation Megđ. You deserve itđ„șđđđđ.
And side note thatâs not too important: Eros is the one MC vents to bc heâs a worm that hasnât left my mind yet so rn heâs the romance for me. Those fics for him I mentioned I AM working on as well lmao.
#lovestruck#my writing#Astoria fates kiss#Astoria fates kiss Hercules#thereâs some proofreading but forgive me if stuff is wrong. I need to get this out before I forget#or itâs too late at night lol. Anyways Hercules is in my mind. friendship routeâŠ.and hauntinglyâŠ.romance route.#but MC is NOT a homewrecker. in this fic heâs not married bcâŠthatâs the only way I see things happening#what draws the two together to make them work together?? No idea babe. none. just. romance happens somehow#but yh Iâve been thinking of these two and the dialogue I have in my head is insane and#I wish I could write the scene and actually have structure in my fics that I usually do not haveđđ#but seriously I hope youâre having a good time and relaxingđđđ.#EDIT: NOT IN THIS FIC!! I meant in a romantic fic for them (completely separate from the friendship one) he isnât married. in the friendship#one he is. heâs still married to Deandra (or whatever her name is) and everything#just making that clear since I didnât in the tagsđ
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Found a very cool pastel cat sweater at the bins but I have literally nothing that matches it well, so I always struggle to make outfits with it lol
#ootd#pastel#I really really want to SELL CLOTHES I keep talking about selling clothes.. its just such a process..hhhhhhh#Because you have to take pictures. edit the pictures. list them somewhere. write descriptions. choose a price. advertise the fact you listed#it somewhere. Repeat with literally hundreds of items (since I get bulk clothes at the bins and etc.). I have a lot of cool stuff that I thi#nk people into similar styles would want to buy. and I always need money to fund art and healthcare expenses and eventually moving to a diff#erent place someday. replacing broken electronics. etc. etc. So a wise decision is 'well sell a lot of the old clothes you have'. It is so#difficutl with my specific functioning issues though since it's such a long process and also packing things up. taking them to the post offi#ce etc. takes timing since I always have to be driven by roomates and stuff. etc. etc.#I think the way I was considering getting around this was to sell clothing in 'packs' like.. A pack of 5 or 6 matching items the same shade#of pink. or all green items with flowers so it's the same 'nature theme'. Or even selling full outfits or something. so that way I can kind#of bundle items. Instead of the effort of photograohing and listing literally 50 individual items. Turn them into 5 packs of 10. Or 10 packs#of 5. etc. ? But I think I never got too far with that because I was uncertain how that'd actually go over in terms of whether people would#buy groups of items instead of just individual. Especially whole outfits or something like. I think you'd get a wider audience giving people#more individual choice to choose seperate things instead of putting them together and going 'this is just what you get' or etc.#but I could also see it being cool. You already have some guaranteed stuff that matches. They have a theme. Especially if it's something you#like. Love brown themed mori kei items? here's 5 of them already together. etc. etc. etc.#ANYWAY. Came to mind because as much as I love anything with cats on it that's a light color. I also am chronically warm natured due to my#health issues so I overheat immensely if I wear sweaters. even in the winter I don't wear that many layers lol. So a sweater like this is ju#st impratical for me outside of taking one or two outfit photos with it. but I don't think I could ever actually wear it even if I really wa#nt to. But it's nice! and very cool!! so a good candidtate for selling. Give it to someone who would be happier to have it than I would in#the sense that maybe they could actually WEAR it lol.#ANYWAY... rhgh#everything......... difficult.......... whye#Also sweater is too hot for me and doesn't match anything I own even though it's perfect and I love cats..... whye....... cruele world#self
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*holds up a finger* boy do i wish that was me tho ngl
#texts.#fun fact: the machine behind TSP is literally me going 'oh? you won't pick up my work? fine i'll do it myself'#and then i set out to learn coding and game development and 3d animation and video editing.#it's not so much pettiness but this deep-rooted need to prove that i do not need be beholden to the 'approval' of those in control#of the system.#like goddamn you i CAN and i WILL make something awesome.#this does NOT mean i'm doing EVERYTHING by myself ofc. i'm human and well aware of my own limitations.#i can't teach myself how to draw while splitting my attention in six different directions. i know damn well that is a skill that requires#YEARS of practice.#and the same can be said for stuff such as music composition and the like.#i recognize that in this process i won't necessarily master all of these skills i've set off to learn over the past 10 months#and any real piece of media that is not writing related to TSP will take months if not years to see the light of day#but i've got time. i've got time and an overwhelming desire to see this project come to life.#anyway. big sigh.#does make me feel inadequate whenever other professionals ask about this kind of thing because it's like. sorry. i have nothing to show.#i swear i'm a writer and i swear i got some big stuff lined up#i just have no one to vouch and the ETA is maybe a year or two out.#grumbles in the tags bcs i don't want to be loud about it sue me sldkfjh
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post thatâs like âu Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sickâ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasnât so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. iâm that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i donât write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and thatâs obviously not sustainable. but idk if itâs adhd or what but itâs So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then iâm Goinâ and i canât stop until iâm Done or i collapse from ignoring my bodyâs needs lmao#itâs something i should make an effort to do though bc iâd love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! đ#i got the follow-up to last yearâs Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the olâ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didnât put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik theyâll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that iâll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt âą 2. HiH Ch.3 âą 3. [N]MbD small fic âą 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then iâm gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then iâll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i âalso wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe iâll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year đ#anyways ik iâve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so donât put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. iâd really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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chapter 4 of art therapy...............
#stormy shouts#i'm noticing things... i must edit... i have to rectify.... i MUUUUUST RAAAAAGH#there are whole sections i think that i can word a lot better#see ch4 was also another thing; i had no idea what i was doing with art therapy still#and i had switched to a harry pov bcs i thought bringing harry and heather* in would be interesting#and make the overall narrative richer obviously like a relationship is a two way street#storytelling 101 get with the program#but a lot of it just feels stilted and descriptions feel clinical and very tell-y once again so i need to do some maintenance#like it's not the worst it could be i just think it could be a lot better with where i am now i suppose#ch4 is very much like..... several months to years old writing atp so đ [grinding my teeth]#ANYWAYS#art therapy
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Iâm ill and I have to wake up for work in four hours or whatever but NONE OF THAT MATTERS!! I FOUND MY TIME LOOP STORY THAT I THOUGHT I HAD LOST! I HAVE WON!
#my last two uni assignments were absolute bangers and I made sure to keep the scifi essay safe because I was incredibly proud of that#even before submitting it#but I thought I had the time loop story saved#and I double checked I had everything when I knew I was losing access to my uni account#but idk it just kinda disappeared#and Iâve checked my laptop time and time again#but it wasnât there and when I fried my old one with a glass of squash and had to replace it the chance of me still having it dropped lower#but for some godforsaken reason#ill beyond sanity and awake at two thirty in the morning#I decided to check my phone files#and I thought it would be just as futile as the check I did on my laptop yesterday#because the files should sync up#but itâs here!!#and Iâm so relieved#and yeah it probably needs tidying up because I wrote this thing almost two years ago#but idk maybe Iâll be able to give this a good edit and pull through on my New Yearâs resolution to submit something to a writing contest#tdlr: YIPPEE!!!!!
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opens this app, feels isolated, closes it
#leah.txt#iâm going to try scroll for a bit and reblog things but idk being on here is bad lately. iâm very grateful for replies on last post ily guys#a lot but yeah idk i think itâs just iâve noticed certain peopleâs behaviour towards me has seemed to change and that makes me paranoid#i guess? or just that i donât belong again? idk things are weird for me these past two months and having SIX people fuck with me is#ridiculous. actually ridiculous. and unprovoked too is so⊠ben affleck smoking.jpg#not sure what iâve done but oh well <3 had a feeling me taking a break would maybe cause some moots on here to just like idk distance from#me but what can you do. cant please everyone. just wanna make friends and consider my moots as such but guess others donât lmao#edit: said i was gonna scroll but iâm going to bed :) maybe that will fix me :)#panic attack today was bad so idk need a new day. iâll try write but iâve been saying that everyday for the past two months and i just canât#do words rn
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fighting the powerful urge to just like. go ahead and post the next chapter. because i am so happy about a scene i've added and like. i know that this fic has a tiny readership but i really love this scene.
#objects in space rewrite#i had actually always intended it to have happened#more or less#but i never considered actually like. writing this scene happening. for some reason i thought i couldn't fit it in to the fic.#although tbh 19-year-old me probably just didn't really know how to write it#same with another scene in the following chapter and another in the next#i just didn't have the experience with storycraft to actually write the scene i wanted#ugh the only downside to this rewrite is that it's going to require a lot of tweaking in the next two books#nothing approaching the depth of this one but there's at least one scene i'll need to change whole-cloth#and some elements of backstory#and i'll have to tweak things so that actions and character development carries through#those will function better as simple edits; the changes aren't *remotely* significant enough to require a new story#i mean this rewrite has been. like i'm thinking i may need a whole extra chapter in addition to everything that's already been added#this one was already the longest of the series and now it is going to be significantly so. like. 30k+ moreso. almost double.#everything in me recoils at such uneven lengths#but this one already had to set up the world and it already had the most plot happening#it would just be padding to add more to the others and that's totally unnecessary#the only changes needed are for continuity's sake and one scene that will realistically need to go in the denoument of this one#and have a slightly altered one during that book#anyway.#i really like the next few chapters. like a lot. i love what i've changed and added.
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I know way too many things but not enough to where it feels like I can just randomly infodump on Tumblr unless it's something very specific like Fandom Stuff and even then I'm not infodumping fandom stuff unless it's to my friends who have never consumed the media before because there's pure Joy that comes with me getting to be the one that shares a new thing with them it's so fun!!
#Madi Rambles#again trying to get myself not in the mindset that I should only use Tumblr to post art and nothing else#it's hard man#but I stand by this that there truly is sm joy when explaining the weirdest shit that happens in something and providing no context until#asked like when I was on my John Constantine binge (Which I need to read more of him again he's so close to being in my top three most read#even if it would ruin the trinity trio I have there at the moment) I would just say the WILDEST shit that came from his runs because his ru#gets fucking INSANE at some points like him legit getting a demon blood transfusion and the whole Zed/Mary plot line or the even his Niece#going missing plot line OR THE TWO FUCKING CULTS THAT HE'S STUCK BETWEEN AND JUST GOD JOHN CONSTANTINE YOU ARE INSANE#I love him he's such an asshole BUT HE CARES THAT'S THE KICKER!! He puts so much effort into saving the world and he's never going to be#recognized for it because it's the occult side of DC and also John's not looking for the recognition he's doing this so he can get on with#his day and it's JUST SO#oh and don't even get me fucking started on Constantine's 2011 run that shit is fucking WILD there's time travel in it! There's the fucking#trinity war! There's a scavenger hunt and other dimensions! IT'S INSANE and it's where my edited home screen comes from#John Constantine I love you so much and I promise I'm trying to read more of your comics I just have no time to read comics right now#so yeah I guess that can be your ramble tumblr no one is really gonna read these but it'll be silly#OH AND FUCKING MERCURY I'M FINALLY ON HER FIRST ISSUE IN THE OG HELLBLAZER RUN I NEED TO READ THAT AAAAAAAAAAAA#OH AND THE SWAMP THING TAKING OVER HIS BODY STORYLINE LIKE THAT WAS WILD BECAUSE ABBY AND SWAMP THING AND AAAAA#I have so much to say about John Constantine but nothing to post for him unless I actually continue writing my essay about him my god#anyone that reads all of these like hi why would you do that go get some water or something pls hydrate
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