#and i got diagnosed and got meds for my adhd and yes up until very recently i had overwhelming anxiety about if i’d ever make movies again b

[eternalstateofoctober]

tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[weemietime]

There isn't a whole lot of content on Tumblr about schizoid personality disorder so I thought I would make a little informational post. SZPD is a cluster A personality disorder, of the odd/eccentric cluster alongside schizotypal and paranoid. It is on the schizophrenia spectrum, and comprises the negative rather than positive symptoms of schizophrenia.

This primarily means we have avolition, catatonia, flat/blunted affect (demeanor), limited interoception (emotional sensations), lack of bonds to others including primary family members, and indifference to the opinions of others.

Whilst this isn't a diagnostic criteria, many of us are also asexual and aromantic, meaning we don't want to have sex with other humans (but usually do masturbate) and have no interest in romantic companionship.

My most disabling symptom is avolition, because I have comorbid ADHD. This means when I don't have my medication (dextromethorphan 120mg) I just sit there and zone out and can't even hold a conversation or move my body, nor even do things like feed myself. It is genuinely crippling and I am unemployed because of this, even though my meds help, they don't cure me and I need a lot of time alone.

Schizoid is something of an "anti-human" disorder, because we fail to form basic social bonds with others including primary caregivers. As a child I got diagnosed with inhibited RAD because I could not tolerate human contact. This differs from autism because autistic people generally want to socialize, they just lack the skills. I don't want to socialize and it takes tremendous effort for me to do so.

To even make this post I had to wait for my meds to click in as I was just sitting there mindlessly beforehand. While we have low internal sensations of emotions like caring, love, happiness, trust, sadness, etc. we aren't typically antisocial/dissocial and don't have a pattern of exploiting others or dishonesty. This requires too much effort.

There is a schizoid version of narcissism but it is separate to narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is characterized by a very fragile ego. You can't contradict or disagree with NPD because they are unable to regulate the emotions caused by conflict. Conversely, SZPD does not care about the opinions of others at all and places little value on them.

Our sense of superiority is legitimate, meaning we just do genuinely believe we are smarter than other people. So your mileage may vary on how insufferable you find that. I recognize this trait in myself and work to actively challenge it since it is illogical for me to think I am more special than anyone else. But, my ego is very stable, so criticism doesn't bother me the way it would in NPD.

Interoception means the sensations you feel inside your body. We lack this, so even stuff like hunger and tiredness don't impact us until we are very hungry or extremely exhausted. I don't have the feeling you would to look at a family member and get a sense of love or trust. I have a logical sense of obligation that I developed through choosing what I value based on reason. I describe this as care, and I place importance on my friendships, but there is no emotional component to this, it is all cognitive.

Tangentially: I'm somewhat of an optimistic nihilist, believing that there is no grand purpose to existence. Yes, even as a religious person. I don't think G-d ultimately has a purpose either, as an agent of the universe. (I don't believe G-d created the universe.) We have a human nervous system, so we base our rubric for morality on suffering and decide what is meaningful both collectively and individually.

I don't believe in true freedom of will (but I do believe we have agency), because we know that Bereitschaftspotential or reaction potentials occur in the brain up to two seconds before we become conscious of a volitional desire. Our consciousness occurs because of quantum synchronicity in the brain, so our free will is in a bit of an in-between state rather than fully determined or fully free.

So, we are not born deciding "I'm going to be an abuser," that happens because of brain abnormalities. It's no different than the forces of creation and destruction at work like a virus infecting a host cell. I don't place much importance on concepts of self-hood, I view myself as the electrical and chemical processes that occur in my brain, which happen without my choosing, that I can influence and impact through my own agency.

Anyway, these are just some basic schizoid meanderings for you all and I hope that this was informative or interesting in some way. Peace.

[basshole-astard]

hey you, blogger. do you find yourself in incredible pain daily? even weekly? despite being in your 30s, or younger? despite doing everything that's ""supposed"" to help?

On top of being in incredible pain, can you or could you at any point in your life:

bend yourself into funny positions like putting your foot behind your head

can bend down without fanfare and put your palms COMPLETELY FLAT on the floor

do your elbows bend a bit backwards? how about your knees?

you can bend your pinkies backwards 90 degrees

you find your joints are incredibly weak and garbage; wrists often in pain despite doing stretches; shoulders/neck always hurting no matter how good your posture is; can’t get down on your hands and knees because doing so is Ow Ow Oof Ouch

you have gastrointestinal issues that you cannot link to food in any way (yes, for real,)

headaches/migraines – especially unexplained, but even if you do have an explanation (for real)

never had enough room in your mouth for your teeth

vision prescription gets better and then gets worse again and you find yourself very confused about how??? why????

have really bad allergies including “I can’t use x soap it gives me a rash for some reason” or other similar “coming into contact with certain things makes me break out” (it’s called MCAS, it’s often comorbid)

stand up and your heartrate spikes and/or you get dizzy (that’s called POTS, also comorbid)

Then, hi, you might possibly have something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS; specifically the hypermobile subtype (hEDS), which doesn’t yet have a known genetic marker and goes wildly underdiagnosed in patients, partly because the things they test for hypermobility are pretty limited, partly because doctors don’t know what it is, partly because doctors would rather diagnose you with a different condition (if arthritis or fibromyalgia diagnoses/treatment didn’t help, well...!) because if it sounds like a horse it’s PROBABLY a horse (but it could be a zebra)

Of course having any one of these does not an hEDS diagnosis make, but if you have multiple on my above list? Multiple of the list I am including below the cut? It’s worth looking into. You can continue on reading to see my brief overview, or you can head to www.ehlers-danlos.com to do your own research; they’re a great resource!

"I have a lot of these but not all of them" that's still worth looking into! I've only got five on the above list, and i definitely still have hEDS! Even three is worth considering!

more symptoms and info below the cut, if you want to hear it from a fellow blogger who was diagnosed at 25 and found the diagnosis Extremely Eye Opening as to why i was always in pain and Various Other Issues

---

General hEDS info: EDS itself is a genetic disorder that affects your connective tissue, which in general makes your joints weak and your ligaments weaker. hEDS is the most common subtype, in which you have a lot of EDS traits AND hypermobility BUT none of the genetic markers for the 12 other EDS subtypes.

“Wait, but this thing I can do is normal, my whole family can do it!” or “my mother’s side of the family is all like this!” hEDS is genetic. It’s possible to have it if your parents don’t, but VERY unlikely. So unlikely, in fact, that having immediate family history of hEDS is one of the 3 main diagnostic criteria for it. (You can still get diagnosed if you hit the other 2, but they only ask for 2/3.)

“Surely it can’t be so hard to diagnose that doctors don’t notice it!” my sister did not find out until she was in her 30s, because one of her friends has hEDS, and when my sister was bemoaning how useless doctors were, her friend was like “....hey those sound like MY symptoms, have you considered you might have hEDS?” (Which, due to it being genetic, is how my mom and I found out we also probably had it.) Also, much like ADHD, doctors are wary of diagnosing people with it, afraid they’re just trying to get the “good” meds.

“What good does a diagnosis/research even do me?” 1) an explanation for why you’re in pain all the time 2) knowledge so you can avoid doing things that would hurt you (you have to be SOOO careful with most forms of exercise!) 3) it’s a disorder that warrants higher pain meds than what you can get OTC, so if you are seriously in a lot of pain all the time, and would like to not be...

I’m gonna put a more in-depth list of symptoms below. If you have any five of them, I highly suggest you poke around www.ehlers-danlos.com and do your own research, because even if you aren’t in a position to get a clinical diagnosis right now, even suspecting you MIGHT Have it is useful, either for an explanation for all the things that seem wrong with your body that couldn’t otherwise be explained, or to know that... hey, you should really be careful with what kinds of physical exercise you’re doing, because your risk of injury for some sports is WAY higher than it is for people who don’t have hEDS. More on that below, as well.

-

Symptoms list time:

*THIS IS ALMOST DEFINITELY A MARKER OF hEDS*

hypermobile joints

unstable/weak joints

joints that dislocate frequently

CHRONIC PAIN

stretchy and fragile skin (classic EDS marker, but can show up in hEDS): do you bruise easily? Do cuts take forever to heal?

your parent(s) are also like this (it's a genetic disorder!! Chances are you got it from one of them!!! Love to hear “oh my hips do that too!!! Didn’t realize it wasn’t normal” thanks mom.)

"my parents don't have hEDS tho" are you sure. like. my mom didn't know until my sister found out she did. this thing is *wildly underdiagnosed*. Mom’s in her 50s and had doctors diagnose her with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the treatments for which didn’t help her because it wasn’t what was actually wrong

-

*OTHER THINGS THAT OFTEN COME FREE WITH YOUR hEDS*

chronic fatigue

gastrointestinal issues (if you thought you had IBS, but hit any of the hEDS things, you should consider, well, an hEDS diagnosis; gastroparesis is a common comorbidity)

dysautonomia; i don't have this but it causes things like POTS or "heartrate spikes when i stand" or "i get dizzy when i stand and lose vision briefly"

headaches (and/or migraines!)

MCAS, aka really bad allergies. your nose gets offended at the slightest bit of pollen. the weirdest materials give you a rash. you can only use one soap because all the other ones make you break out. etc.

...ADHD. I’m not shitting you. It is so frequently comorbid that in the UK when you test positive for either ADHD or hEDS they will immediately test you for the other. Connective tissue exists in your brain, as well, so I guess if your connective tissue just doesn’t function properly...

-

HEY CAN YOU PUT THIS IN NON-CLINICAL TERMS FOR ME

sure! did you, at any point in your life:

- able to bend into funny positions like put foot behind head; especially as a kid (hi! that's me!) but of particular note if you can still do those things now

- stretches like butterfly or crossing your arm over your chest just... don’t feel like stretches? (my sister)

- could you bend and without effort place your palms flat on the floor? can you still now? apparently most people struggle - without regular stretching - to touch their toes, let alone put their palms *completely flat* to the floor. that's hypermobility baby!

- elbows bend a little bit backwards? knees?

- can you bend your pinkies back 90 degrees?

- consider yourself double-jointed?

- shoulders/neck always hurt? and like your muscles are SOOOO tight in your neck all the time? hey guess what: the thing EDS does is make your body produce less collagen, which makes your ligaments weak as fuck, and so your muscles are constantly spasming to hold your head up. this is why you're in pain. this is why working the knots out never helps and they always come back. no, this isn't because you’re on your computer too much. your body was just built differently (poorly)

- stretching never seems to help? stretches make you hurt more??? or even: most forms of exercise cause you pain? yeah, most exercise/stretches are meant for Able Bodied People, not people with an underlying undiagnosed hypermobility disorder. You have to adapt them to your needs, and also stretches will never be the be-all-end-all solution to back pain like those funny little infographics on the internet will try and tell you. Maybe it is for able-bodied people, if you have a genetic condition that causes chronic pain, well,

- “but my shoulders are soooo tight tho” POINTING ABOVE AGAIN. they are doing that because the muscles have to overcompensate for your weak ligaments. Stretching does not fix this; you may loosen your muscles, but they will simply tighten again later. The real fix is doing exercises to improve your shoulder muscle stability – I’ll talk about some exercises below.

- have you ever thought to yourself "what the hell, i'm too young to be in this much pain all the time??" you're right! it might be hEDS.

- struggle with opening jars? weak upper body strength? randomly lose your grip on things you’re holding with your hands? “are you serious” I’m serious

- can't crawl on your hands and knees because that hurts your wrists and your knees?

- tangentially: did your parents say you crawled funny as a kid? army crawl? started walking way earlier than expected? yeah.

- you can't squat or kneel because ow oof ow your ankles ow ow your knees? yeah.

- is getting up from the floor hard sometimes?? despite being 30 or younger???? yeah.

- despite everything, and not trying to be, you're still kind of really flexible???

- like, you could do the splits as a kid without having to train yourself to do it?? you can still do the splits now without any effort at all?

- do you seem to get injured really easily? joints especially, or, again, bruised really easily.

- are you in pain right now? think about it. shoulders? back? legs? did you see the part where one of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS is chronic pain? yeah.

i could probably keep going.

-

~here's some specific connective tissue disorder things; i've included only the extremely "normal" ones that haven’t already been listed above and/or are easy to check yourself. you can find a full list at https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ under "how is hEDS diagnosed?"~

listed above: stretchy/fragile skin. By stretchy btw I mean: can you pinch your skin anywhere and pull and get even half an inch away from your body? Neck/back of hand is a good place to try. If you can’t pinch your skin at all w/o hitting Meat then you don’t have this (I don’t, even tho my sister does!) but it’s worth looking out for and alone is like THE thing EDS (all types) is characterized by, so if your skin stretches, that’s of particular notice (but your skin not stretching does not disqualify you from having EDS)

stretch marks (they hate to use this if you're afab, but,)

"Bilateral piezogenic papules of the heel" uh when you're standing are your heels kinda. lumpy. like they got balls in 'em. that's what this is. (this is one of the things i have)

dental crowding (lol!!!!)

can you close your thumb+pinky around both your wrists? (steinberg sign)

when you make fists, thumbs underneath fingers, do your thumbs stick out past your fingers? (walker sign)

-

“Hey, I’m not really hypermobile - is it still possible to have hEDS??”

in theory! I’m only mildly hypermobile myself, outside of the “foot behind head” trick from when i was ten and the “can even now at 25 bend down and put palms flat on floor with no effort” i have… basically no other signs of hypermobility. Though, I guess “things that should be stretches like butterfly or touching your toes are super easy and not stretches for me” also counts as being hypermobile, huh. It’s just really mild.

And, you know, maybe you just have a different EDS subtype. EDS as a whole is not super well understood, so the chances you got a doctor who didn’t know what it was / didn’t want to order a genetic test about it is still, like, high enough it’s worth looking into, I think.

Basically every issue my body has can be drawn back to hEDS, and that kind of knowledge is insane but also really liberating. There is a cause for this. I’m not just in pain for no reason – or worse – because I’m “bad” at taking care of myself. I have a genetic disorder that makes it so my joints don’t work right and also I’m in pain all the time. It’s not necessarily happy, but at least it’s an explanation, instead of sitting there and shrugging and going “I dunno” about it.

So, sincerely, if even five of the things I’ve listed above sound familiar to you, I think you should look into it. Maybe you’ll research and go “oh, that doesn’t sound like me at all, actually”, but on the chance you, like me, start researching and find yourself going “THAT’S WHAT’S BEEN CAUSING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME????” I think it’s worth looking into. That validation is sincerely quite freeing.

-

“Ok, you've convinced me. Now what do I do?”

first of all research some more!

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/ <-- EDS overview and EDS subtypes! Maybe you have one that isn’t hEDS

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ <-- hEDS specific page

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/heds-diagnostic-checklist/ <-- hEDS diagnostic checklist

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/#1667831445611-fb40d58e-84a4 <-- the checklist opens on something called the Beighton scale, which is explained in more detail here. **IF YOU DO NOT SCORE HIGH ON THE BEIGHTON SCALE BUT STILL HAVE MOST OTHER HEDS ISSUES, PRESS FOR DIAGNOSIS NONETHELESS. ENTIRELY POSSIBLY YOU ARE HYPERMOBILE IN AREAS THAT AREN’T TRACKED BY THE BEIGHTON SCALE. IT’S IMPERFECT AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BUT THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.**

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/2017-eds-classification-non-experts/ <-- EDS things in layman’s terms, including comorbidities, like what I was talking about wrt gastrointestinal issues, orthopedic issues, chronic fatigue issues, etc, etc, etc. if you have issues with allergies look at the Mast Cell Disorder one. if you have that “heartrate spikes or I get dizzy when I stand” issue look at the Cardiovascular Autonomic Dysfunction one.

(ngl, sorry if its gross, but learning that hEDS often comes packaged with gastrointestinal issues was what really sealed the whole deal for me being convinced, despite “your sister has it and your mom almost definitely has it” being EXTREMELY damning evidence, because. I have had issues with diarrhea my whole goddamn life. I can’t tie it to food. It just curses me daily.)

second of all: talk to your doctor! or, find a doctor in your area that specializes in EDS. book an appointment, see what they can offer you. they can probably hook you up with physical therapy options (to safely strengthen your muscles to compensate for your weak connective tissue) or some pain management options! If you find the physical therapist is making you do things that make you hurt more and they repeatedly do not listen to you and your body, fire them and find a new physical therapist. 

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/healthcare-professionals-directory/ <-- list of doctors. 

Third of all: find a support group if you’d like? There’s FB groups and Reddit groups and probably even more. Links to some of them here: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/support/ 

YMMV because hEDS sometimes gets shit on by people with the other EDS subtypes, but at the very least, if a fellow Zebra is bitching about a doctor, you’ll know who to avoid. 

Fourth: Just… if you think you might have it, I want you to take a step back and reconsider the way you feel about yourself and maybe about the exercise you are/aren’t doing. I had a lot of compounded guilt about how I “wasn’t taking good enough care of myself” ; when you’re in pain all the time you sometimes start blaming yourself, especially if you, like me, find that exercise is difficult and painful and that stretching doesn’t ACTUALLY help, you quit doing it. But you don’t always quit thinking “well apparently if I did those stretches to prevent back pain that people always talk about, then I wouldn’t have any back pain!!!!!!” and that kind of mindset... sucks.

It's also not true. Like, not in general, but also especially not if you have hEDS. My back is in pain because my body was built different (poorly), NOT because I “wasn’t doing the right thing”.

So here’s my get out of jail free card, for you. You aren’t in pain because you aren’t doing anything to “fix” it. You’re just in pain. Sure, you can do some (specialized) (hEDS friendly ones) exercises to help combat it, or you could go take some painkillers, but... your pain is not a punishment for your decision not to exercise. Your pain just kinda... is.

Every generalized exercise advice you see online you need to take with a grain of salt anyway, because it was not written for people with a hypermobility disorder. If doing it doesn’t help, then you don’t need to push through the pain because “it’s the thing that’s supposed to fix everything!!!!” No no. There is no correct answer. There is no one-size fits all. If it doesn’t help, or if it hurts, then you shouldn’t do it.

I say this from a place of love. I spent several months trying to fix my wrist pain with stretches, and you know what never went away? My wrist pain. In fact, I’m mildly convinced the stretches made the pain worse. I kept pushing through it for ages, though, because I kept getting told it was supposed to help, and that it was IMPORTANT as someone who spends all day on the computer to TAKE CARE OF MY WRISTS via THESE STRETCHES WE HAVE HELPFULLY COMPILED ONTO AN INFOGRAPHIC FOR YOU!!!!! ...but that’s not how it works. The rules are a little different when you have a hypermobility disorder. You have to really look into exercises that are safe for you to do, instead of just assuming the ones that everyone passes around are going to help.

“Man, so even those shoulder stretches you see around might not help?” nope! They might not!

“What do I do then?” strengthening exercises... I’ll put resources / explain one easy one (for shoulders) below.

Also if you are someone with a job that requires sitting at the computer all day, and you’re worried about how that affects your health... Even if you just get up once every two hours and walk around / look at something else (even your bathroom!!!) for a little bit, that’s fine, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough. You don’t have to stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes. You shouldn’t stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes if that’s hurting you.

RESOURCES TIME

1) https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/resource/strengthen-your-hypermobile-core-a-home-exercise-approach-for-eds-hsd-and-hypermobility-jeannie-di-bon/ <-- webinar that covers at-home exercises you can do

2) and a whole playlist of at-home exercises (in reasonable sized video chunks) by one of the experts, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp-oNOmoFdAMFZB7XfpUZyvg_xzE3S3Ue – DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT WATCHED OR USED THESE, SO WHILE I CAN SAY I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE FEATURED WERE SHE NOT A REAL EXPERT, PLEASE JUST. Err on the side of caution. If even one of these hurts you, try not to do it until you can talk with your personal physical therapist, which, yes, I realize requires Acquiring one first..... worth poking around tho, this person has a ton of tips on how to be careful with your joints while doing chores and day-to-day tasks as well, it seems. Actual advice that might actually help you instead of “oh make sure to stretch every 30 minutes!!!!” (might not help) or “have you tried jogging? Its free and easy!!!!!” (sport that is more likely to injure you thanks to the weak joints thing)

3) You can also search “exercise” on ehlers-danlos.com and come up with a ton of other pages/videos/etc of EDS friendly exercises produced by the experts that run this site.

4) That One Easy One I Can Explain In A tumblr Post: Bridging

Meant for core stability, but also works towards strengthening your shoulder muscles as well. Bridges!!! You can probably look up guides, or the lady I linked above has a video that includes her doing bridges about 4 minutes in. here's the video (link).

The version I do involves going up for five seconds, then down for five seconds, repeating for a minute (time yourself). Each day add on ten seconds (so second day you do a minute ten, third day minute twenty, etc) until you are eventually able to do it for three minutes. You do not need to go past three minutes. You are recommended not to. You are recommended to work up to 3 minutes and then continue doing it for 3 minutes every day.

(It doesn’t have to be every day nor does it necessarily have to be 3 minutes every time; if I’m tired or in a hurry I’ll just do two minutes. If I’m really tired I’ll just skip it and do it the next day. No big deal!)

That’s all I got. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hope it was enlightening at all!

[serabellyms]

��  ⬐ @dutyworn ⬎

🎨Are you neurodivergent or disabled? Anything that uniquely affects your RPing?

Yes, to both.

I am neurodivergent because I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't like the specific descriptor of "I'm disabled" for myself (as I feel that makes it sound like I'm entirely incapable of certain things that I very much am capable of possibly with accommodations, but that's personal interpretation), but I do consider myself to be a person with a disability, one that affects how I function in my day-to-day and one that requires accommodations to maintain that functionality.

Specifically, the way this negatively affects my RPing is in three ways: executive function (or dysfunction, rather), hyperfixation, and working memory. I also have really crappy eyesight (strabismus). More details under the cut because this one got... really long.

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION/DYSFUNCTION:

Executive function/dysfunction is simple: some days, no matter how much I want to write, I can't. My brain just can't do the thing. It sucks. Sometimes it means I have to do something else until my brain unlocks the gate. Sometimes that's later that day, sometimes it's after my meds kick in, sometimes it's not for a few days or a week. Outside factors, such as work, life events, holidays, etc. all affect that ability to function, so I don't always have the spoons left to write, no matter how desperately I want to. So it just... won't happen. Do I wish I could power through it? Absolutely. Can I? No. That's not how my brain works.

HYPERFIXATION:

Hyperfixation is a little different. Hyperfixation means that something new and shiny has my brain's attention, and I can't just pull my brain away from it. It could be making icons, it could be finishing up my blog pages, it could be one or two particular muses or a particular fandom that's taken over another fandom, etc. I do my best to reign in my hyperfocus by not rapidly adding or removing muses (believe me, I probably had 30 muses that I was like "I would LIKE to write this muse" and ended up cutting it back to muses I knew I would be likely to stick with, or that had the most urge in my brain) but sometimes, that's just how it be. This is actually the reason my blog is so focused on Mass Effect/on my Mass Effect muses: Mass Effect has been a hyperfixation for me for the last couple years.

WORKING MEMORY:

Working memory is by far the worst. This is why I ask for certain accommodations such as my interest tracker. My interest tracker isn't just a one-and-done thing on my end with the spreadsheet; I take the time to carefully and meticulously organize the responses in a way that I can interpret. I have tabs for each verse, columns per-muse, and I pull that information from the initial fill-out on my mutuals' end over to secondary sheets that I can more easily reference. I have a tab that ties mun names and pronouns to blog names, as well as the muse(s) they write that I either have interacted with or am likely to interact with.

The reason this accommodation is needed is because the layout of everyone's blogs, rules, muse page, etc is DIFFERENT from blog to blog. What might be at the top of someone's rules page is only in another's pinned post, or in another's about page, or is at the bottom of it, is in their blog description... you get the idea. This means that if I'm looking for a particular piece of information, I may have to check six places, per blog, to find it. Not being able to find it, or not knowing where it might be, or simply not remembering it leads to me feeling incredibly frustrated, which leads into feeling demotivated and other crappy feelings.

That's also especially difficult for someone like me who switches devices, as I often write from my iPad and not always from my desktop. Having my tracker compiles that information in a method that I can comprehend and understand with my disability, helps me keep track of things, and helps keep me on top of things. It is essential to my functionality running my blog. Period.

Now---I'm flexible when it comes to what's actually in the interest tracker. I don't treat it as you're locked in to only the characters you pick in the tracker (and it's set up that you can update it on your end at any time, and it notifies me if it's updated) and can't pick any more after that. Not at all! That's where communication comes in. If there's a new muse you want to interact with that I added, or you watched a new piece of media that I already had on my blog and you want those muses, you can either ask me directly, or update the tracker. It's cool.

But the fact of the matter is, I do need it filled out for my functionality, and it is incredibly frustrating that five minutes, at most, of someone's time is too much for an accommodation. What is a minor inconvenience or discomfort for one person greatly affects my functionality in ways I can't fully explain (and that honestly, I shouldn't have to explain) and the fact that some people can't make that one small step just grinds my gears to no end.

MY SHITTY EYESIGHT:

This isn't one I talk about too often, because I'm in the process of working with it (and it has been improving over the last 6 months), but: the reason I ask for certain text aesthetics to be tagged is, in simple terms, because my eyes suck.

The more complex answer is I have what is known as eye misalignment/strabismus/crossed eyes. My eyes don't quite line up properly (they're not visibly crossed, so it's nothing crazy like that), but because of this, my eyes do not focus properly the way they should. It's intermittent, which means that it's not happening all the time, and it's to a degree that's not physically noticeable without special testing (which I've had done).

What this essentially means is that when I'm doing anything---watching TV, on the computer, on my phone, etc---the muscles around my eyes will flex repeatedly in order to maintain focus. We're talking as often as every five to ten seconds throughout the day when I'm trying to read on the computer. Given the fact that my job does require me to be on the computer during the day, it's not something I can just avoid. In most cases, my brain will try to avoid flexing those muscles by filling in the gaps (similarly to how the blind spot in the eye works), which reduces the strain. It causes headaches and neck stiffness, something which I've had chronically for months now. It also means that my eyesight worsens drastically; over the last 2 years, I've gone from about a -2.75 to a -4.25 prescription. THAT'S A LOT.

But what does this mean for multi-spaced aesthetics? Because the spacing is unnatural, my brain can't fill in the gaps, and has to flex to focus. This means that when exposed to text in this manner, the response in my eyes is almost immediate; if I were to spend two to three minutes reading an entire post, I'd have a headache for the rest of the day. That's debilitating. That's why I ask it to be tagged. That's why it's INTEGRAL that it's tagged for me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

So TW medical bitterness, cancer, hysterectomy, abnormal periods, mental health, past abuse. I just want to encourage others with my story, I guess.

Since 2018, I knew something was wrong with my uterus, but I figured I was just young and didn't know stuff yet. I developed late emotionally/physically, like not even getting anything near a stereotypical period until I was 22, even though I'd been spotting since 12.

I started bleeding a lot and never really stopped, even with a fist-sized blood clot that nearly made me pass out. But I got on birth control for the anemia and they said it would reset my reproductive system.

Which for a lot of people it does! Not so for me.

Fast forward to 2020, and I'm in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism that was caused by the very same birth control that kept me from bleeding to death. I asked to get a hysterectomy because something ain't right.

They told me that I being was dramatic and swapped me to progesterone-only birth control. I didn't stop asking though.

Fast forward again to 2022, last November, and I got on antidepressants for the first time. Honestly, it's amazing no longer having a maelstrom of ADHD, anxiety (thanks hospital stay), and depression in my head where I feel lost.

But then I started bleeding again. The antidepressants overrode my birth control. So I quickly switched to another antidepressant and got into the gynecologist who put me on a progesterone booster.

They did an ultrasound and get this, in the 3 days I bled, my body made 19 mm of uterine lining. 19! A month later when I went back to see how much had been dissolved by the higher dose of meds (as is supposed to happen), I was only down to 16 mm of lining!

Obviously, it's not working and I produce far more than should be possible. NO SHIT.

Anyway, so March of this year, I had a D&C surgery. They scrape out my uterus and send all the contents to the lab for testing.

LO AND BEHOLD, TWO WEEKS LATER I AM CALLED IN BETWEEN NORMAL PATIENTS AND TOLD THAT I HAVE UTERINE CANCER.

The only thing I cried about was that I no longer have to fight to get the hysterectomy because it's now seen as a lifesaving operation instead of "convenience".

I'm the one driving this meat suit and I told them there was something wrong for YEARS.

So, in 8 days (April 27th, 2023, since I don't know when this will get shared), I get a hysterectomy and my life back. All the risks of birth control, the weight gain, so much will be gone and I can lower doses on my other meds.

Yes, I'm fat and they can blame as much as they want on that fact, but now that the causes of my overeating are finally getting fixed, I'm losing said weight and I will finally be free.

I'm a subset of asexual with sexual abuse trauma, so while I know the big choice I'm losing, I would rather be alive and foster kids when I'm older than have kids/a relationship and be the emotional/verbal abuser that my parents were because it's so internalized that I haven't dug it out yet.

Never stop asking. Never let them sweep you off to the side. Make your doctor rule out everything until they finally do what you want.

I'm bitter, I admit it. I'm bitter against my mom for not diagnosing me with my ADHD and getting me medicated as a child. My first adderall was my 30th birthday, because I snuck behind her back for it. I don't give a shit about the stigma of mental health, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Find the good doctors out there and hang onto them. Dig your feet in and stand up. AFAB are more than the uteruses we are born with. Fat people are more than just our fat. We are people worth getting real genuine help by the medical field. We need more people to learn how people of different races are built differently too.

I now can't even take HRT (to stave off menopause) because I've had both embolism and cancer.

I admit, I wasn't strong enough to fight against my family for the help I needed, and I'm not sure if it was because I was a coward or just not mature enough. But I'm a human being.

I'm going to win and be happy, even if it takes me fighting for the rest of my life to be seen as worthwhile. I'm so tired, but I won't fall. I can't.

-Audra

Hi Audra,

I'm so sorry that you struggled to get a proper diagnosis and treatment, but I'm glad that you could get the help you needed. Your experiences highlight the importance of advocating for ourselves and persistently seeking the help and treatment we deserve.

The bitterness you feel towards your mom and the healthcare system is valid. It's natural to have complex emotions when reflecting on the past and the support that could have made a significant difference in your life. But the focus now is on your well-being and reclaiming your life.

Please know that you are more than the conditions you've faced. You are a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, and comprehensive healthcare. It's essential to take care of yourself mentally and physically as you continue your healing journey.

I hope I could help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything.

-Bun

[retrocitizen]

Hey loves! Since its half way through suicide awareness/ prevention month, I thought I would go over and share my experiences. Both past and present.

____________

To start it off, Hello! My name is Ava but you can call me retro! My pronouns are Any and I am a bisexual teen. I recently got diagnosed with:

• Extreme Depression

• Autism

• Extreme Anxiety

• Insomnia

• ADHD

These where all diagnosed within the last 1 to 4 years. My journey throughout discovering these things was had and super stressful. So, let's start at where it all began.

ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION (!TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND ABUSE AND AN ED!):

I had been suffering with Anxiety and depression ever since I could talk (probably an overstatement, but I think you get it).

Back when I was eight (8), my parents broke up, then my dad tried to commit suicide by overdosing. He survived and lucky for me, he is doing much better today. This when I believe my Anxiety and depression really came out. Got worse, so much worse. I would start my self harm at this age.

When I was 9 soon to be 10, I tried to commit suicide myself as I felt that i couldn't take it anymore, that I was an issue, someone just in the way, and I also had way to much pressure on my back.

At that age, my mother was starting to be verbally abusive and started drugs and started dating non-stop until she settled for an abusive boyfriend. The two couldn't look after us kids so I had to. I was feeding them, washing them, looking after them. My little brother use to call me mum because he didn't know any better. I was 9, looking after myself and 3 other siblings (2 of which were very very young). I had to mature very quickly just so I could look after my siblings.

As I was about to commit, my brother bust through the door and froze. He just stared at me and I stared at him. He ran out crying calling my mum for help. This lady who was living woth us at the time was the one who came in and help, but she made it all about herself making me feel worse. My mother and the lady didn't do anything about it so I was just there, with a light cut from what I was trying to do to commit.

Mums abusive boyfriend eventually scared my youngest brother si bad that he no longer used the toilet without freaking out (he is now 8 and still freaks out because of the truma the boyfriend caused). He also eventually started abusing mum and my other brother. They broke up and then mum found out she was pregnant so yeah. She kept it now the baby is 4 and is actually really nice other then the anger issues.

Since then, I have tried committing 7 different other times, and have written about 38 suicide notes. I have also stared an ED (eating disorder). I have tried to get better, but I relapse so much that sometimes I feel like it's better to just give up. I am a current out patient for the hospital and I go there every weekend and sometimes on school days. I see 2 therapists (one from the hospital, the other one just a random one for queer teens like me) and a few other people. I take meds now too so yeah.

Because of my Anxiety, I cannot sleepover anywhere, be away from home for long, or drive even tho I legally can. I have extreme panic and anxiety attacks everyday because of it aswell.

I would like to point out that my dad is the one who got me help and not my mum.

AUTISM AND ADHD:

Yes, I have both. Its a bit hard but I manage. I dont really wanna go into detail on how these make me act. But I will say how they effect my life.

So, in my friend group, I get treated like a baby because of it. At home, my mum doesn't care for it and my dad is good with it (as he has it too). I can only drink out of mugs or small plastic water bottles (yk those ones you can get in like a pack of 24? Those.) This makes it hard, especially if im on holiday or somewhere and there is none of that option, because then I can't drink or else I start swimming badly to the point where it hurts. I also need to have a spot on the couch or else I can't sit. Like at both mum and dads, I have a certain spot on their couches where no one else can sit. My dad has made that a rule at his house, and my mum doesn't respect it. I find it hard to learn certain things, and I get no help from the school.

INSOMNIA:

Um, yeah. I have insomnia. This makes it really hard for me to operate and do a lot of stuff. (I think that's really where I need to leave it?)

______________

I take meds for all these things (that require meds) and i think I am getting better. Slowly. Some things that help me deal with these are: my dad, music, (some of) my friends, my cousin, long night drives, rain, reading, night walks, and finally my service cat Sooty (she is a legal service animal).

I think I should also add that:

I currently do 50/50 with my mum and dad after begging my mum to make it that. It use to me 70/30 with my mum having me most of the time. Also my mum has slightly improved but she is still a lot.

___________

Thank you for reading, or skimming, or just, skipping to the end. Feel free to talk about your stories either in the comments, in a repost of this post or just in a whole new separate post. Also feel free to ask me questions on anything (such as "what are your coping strategies" or "tell us more on your insomnia" or something like that).

Don't forget to contact a help line if you are struggling, or reach out to someone your feel comfortable talking to. You matter!

Bye!

-Love, retro!

[altruisticenigma]

Mental health rambles be upon ye

Currently I'm on Short-Term Disability leave because, for a year+ straight, I have not been able to complete a 40 hour work week. I'd either leave work early or just straight up not come in. I had LOA to compensate for this, but... A year. Straight. I wish this was a joke, but I'm dead ass fucking serious- every week without fail I would call out or leave. I kept hitting this wall where if I didn't want to do something, by fucking God we weren't doing it. And I couldn't give less fucks about it, either. This is super alarming because I'm a very anxious and highly motivated person- for me to pull a 180 like this is very strange. I've been doing everything I can to fix it: still go to therapy, work out, keep an eye on my diet & sleep, went on meds... Everything. Everything under the sun. But every week without fail, I'd hit this wall and it was impenetrable. I felt like a fucking lazy ass motherfucker. Why couldn't I do it? Why did I suddenly have such bad executive dysfunction? What's wrong with me??? Well. Instead of anxiety/PTSD like I thought it was this entire time (it kinda is), I've actually been struggling with ADHD and some sort of mood disorder not otherwise specified. The ADHD I began to suspect a couple months ago, so we got me formally tested & diagnosed. The mood disorder was out of the fucking blue. First of all. I've been approaching this entirely wrong. Anxiety coping skills are different from ADHD and now I'm in the dark on how to handle this fucking thing. Second of all, what the fuck? Mood disorder??? It explains why SSRIs don't work on me... I'd suspected for a while, but I thought it was just because it was in my genetic makeup. We put me on Abilify but. Yeah. I knew bipolar ran on the paternal side; from time to time I'd thought it may be possible but I didn't seem to show symptoms. It does seem, however, my moods are cycling- both my counselor and my PCP see it. Which is so awesome to learn about myself. Yeah. I pulled myself out of work and am working to get all that under control because. It's a lot to just go from thinking you're working with your PTSD to brand-new, unfamiliar mental illnesses and having to learn to live with them. My state will eventually reimburse me; just waiting on paperwork. And that's the thing. I'm terrible at being patient and waiting. Just having faith things will be okay. A big part of my "strong work ethic" is a driving, rabid need to get everything done right this fucking second so that I can have more play time later. I can't touch any paperwork stuff because it's in my doctor's court right now to handle it. I can pester the office all I want, but at the end of the day it's on them to complete it. Out of my control (one of my triggers, too). I also know that I've planned out all of my wedding reception bullshit perfectly. Couldn't go to the venue today to plan a seating chart because of horrid traffic, so I'll do it tomorrow alongside some small tasks. But having the tasks there bothers me immensely. I want it all done. It's like I think of tasks as black and white. If it's not done, I need to get it done right this fucking second. It drives me up a Goddamn wall holy shit. I just wanna enjoy my down time and chill out without the worry of stupid ass tasks repeating endlessly in my head. I just want to game without feeling guilty. Holy fucking shit. I also didn't realize how mentally ill I was until I was on a break. I thought that if I'd get on a break I'd suddenly get a lot better- actually, it's just showing me how much I've really been struggling. Struggling with anxiety and restlessness, struggling with depressing or bitter thoughts, struggling with handling different moods... I didn't realize because I was fighting so hard to be "normal." It's really eye-opening. I'm really fortunate that the state will assist me, because wow. I didn't know how much I needed this- learning to manage the mental illnesses aside. It's just. A lot. I want to get a iPad w/ a keyboard bc I've been writing like this a lot too so I think it'd help. Helps me process.

[thebibliosphere]

"But you're so successful without it."

Content warning: This post contains mentions of suicidal ideation.

I got a message earlier tonight that I'm not going to post, but I did ask the person involved if I could talk about what we subsequently ended up talking about in DMs because I feel it's important.

Basically, it was along the lines of "My kid got diagnosed with ADHD and really wants to try meds. I know from reading your blog that correct treatment for ADHD can be really beneficial, but I just don't think she's severe enough to need them."

The message then went on to ask me, as someone who is unmedicated with ADHD, for some tricks and tips on how to be successful without medication because clearly, look how well I'm doing without them. I mean, look at my blog, look at my book(s)! Surely if I can do all that without ADHD meds, other people can too. Surely there's a trick. A skill. Something you can learn if you just try hard enough...

This is not the first time I have received a message like this. In fact, I probably get about 2-5 messages like this a week.

Usually from other people who also have ADHD/suspect ADHD but don't want medication because they don't think they need it/don't want to need it, and yet can't figure out why they're struggling so much, and ask me how do I do the thing(s) and cope so well and get so much done, etc., etc.

So I'm going to tell you what I told this person tonight in case it helps someone. Yes, I have ADHD. No, I am not medicated due to severe health complications, and yes, I get a lot done. From the outside, I am sure it looks incredibly productive and successful. But I'm going to let you in on what that success feels like.

It feels like dying.

It feels like my brain is on fire; every nerve in my body scraped raw; every part of me wired and exposed to the noise of the world. There is no quiet; there is no calm. And even when my brain does fall silent, it's another kind of death. The inside of my head is sludge, flowing uphill like treacle, weighing me down, pulling me under in the riptide of my inability to focus. I can see what needs to be done, I can see it so clearly, yet sometimes it's like I don't control my own body. Not enough dopamine. Not enough brain chemicals for the message I'm screaming in my head to make my limbs do the simplest of tasks. Like, feed myself. Take a shower. Answer that email. Text my friends back. Go to bed when I'm tired. Write a best-selling novel...

A novel that almost killed me and not because of my other ailments, but because of my unmedicated ADHD.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was already operating at critical mass when I went into final rewrites/edits. Every coping mechanism I had fell apart. Like training wheels falling off a tricycle, leaving me to wobble unsteadily until the main wheels fell off, swiftly followed by the handlebars until all that was left was me peddling frantically trying to keep my balance and not getting anywhere. I didn't realize it then, but I was heading towards a complete mental collapse. And even when I dragged myself across the finish line with the above and beyond help provided by my friends and editors, I was so burned out I couldn't enjoy my success. Worse, my success made me suicidal.

It took me until very recently, almost two years later, to be able to read Phangs without feeling suicidal. My brain associated it with the trauma of experiencing complete ADHD burnout but having to complete a monumental task anyway.

I had to go into intensive therapy to recover. I am still in intensive therapy for it.

It took me even longer after that to be able to sit down and write without harming myself. I still struggle with it, and I tell you this in all honest sincerity in the hope it makes you realize what it costs me to be "successful" and unmedicated.

And this wasn't the first time I've had to deal with this, either.

I struggled all through high school, all through college, all through every career job I ever had, knowing there was something wrong, but not quite being able to put my finger on it because hey, I still got stuff done, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Surely everyone went through life feeling this way? Right?

...right?

It wasn't until I got my ADHD diagnosis as an adult that I realized what was happening. Why I struggled so much. Why life was so hard. In many ways, it was like the sun coming up. An internal dawning of realization and acceptance, but also rage.

So much rage.

Rage at how much I'd had to struggle because no one noticed because I was quiet and undisruptive. Rage at a system that forced me to learn in ways that were not intuitive to my brain. To always being told, "doesn't apply herself" while it felt like I was clawing my brain apart trying to do what people wanted from me. To a work-life balance, that rewards all the things that make ADHD actively worse. Rage. So much rage it hurts. And to top it all off, I can't be medicated for it. I finally know what's different, I finally know why my world feels raw and turned inside out, and I can't take any of the medications that might help me.

Do you know how angry I wake up every day that there is a possible solution just within my grasp, but my health conditions prevent me from trying them? Do you know how much it hurts? How much I grieve for the person I could be if I was able to have help beyond therapy and coaching? How much happier I could be...

Not productive. Not successful. Happy.

So ask yourself, what do you want more? A child who has to go through all of this and resents you for prolonging their suffering? Who winds up hating themselves by internalizing the false concept that if they just try hard enough, they can do whatever they set their mind to.

Or do you want to help them?

Or if this is you, why are you afraid to help yourself?

Please, don't use me as an example to harm yourself or others. Yes, I am successful without medication. But the toll is high. Too high.

Rid yourself of the idea that you need to suffer more to be allowed help. You don't. They don't. No one does.

[promptprophet]

Welcome back

I am not dead, although I am ready to throw down. Okay so there is a lot under the cut, but by every star in the sky I have been gone from all of my blogs for a while due to some roccuring issues. If any follow my main at @prophet-rebellion then you may have noticed that.

Some pro-tips:

1. Do not attend a gathering with family that does not believe in Covid. Because if they are anything like mine, someone will tell them they tested positive, your Uncle will encourage them to come anyways and not tell a single other person - and then, surprise surprise, everyone ends up with Covid.

2. Do not let your advisor plan your schedule entirely. Even if they are the Dean of your department. Because if they are still like mine, they will give you six classes. Which would not be an issue of 18 credit hours if it were not for the fact that 5 or the 6 are writing enriched. The only one that it not is math-based which is not my strong suite anyways.

But, in other news - I took a toll for the worst at one point. It has since gotten better. Granted, I had to be the biggest pain-in-the-ass to the campus physiatrist because he wanted to revoke some of my medication. Just because I am somehow making all As for the moment does NOT mean that I do not need my ADHD medication.

Speaking of! Yours truly got formally diagnosed with combination ADHD, depression, and anxiety. And after a lot of trial and error, we have found a medication and dosage that actually helps with the latter two! ADHD is still a work in progress because he is fighting me on it. He also doesn’t want me taking my meds unless I have a face-to-face class that day - as if it is some 9-5 weekdays only issue and I do not have class outside of those times, or online ones. But! A work in progress!

Also, Covid gave me the perfect chance to drop an incredibly toxic group of people in my life. One one hand, my mental health is so much better for it, and so is my own sense of self worth. On the other, it is definitely hard to do and hard to adjust to suddenly losing so many people. But I have reconnected with my 14 year old sister for the first time in 5 years - she wants to have lunch. Which is nice considering I have no spoken to my sisters in 5 years for her, 6 years for the older one (the middle). And I am also trying to reach out to my brothers more. It is interesting, because I did not know them until later. I am the oldest out of 5, 2 half-sisters of my mom’s side, 2 half-brothers on my dads, ironically enough.

I am also seeking out a competent doctor even with Medicaid, because I know need two more surgeries. This will make surgeries 4 and 5. It should have been 2 at most. But 5? And that is minimum, not counting if anything goes wrong again. It is taking longer, because I refuse to see my prior surgeon, and the only opening this past winter break as when I had to have my wisdom teeth removed, so, that did not happen.

Given circumstance I have managed to find a place to stay during breaks. Which is great because as some of you may recall I was kicked out after I turned 18 in 2019, and the room I rented over that summer was terrible (maybe leaving a known alcoholic with no regard for privacy alone with a just then 18 year old girl is a bad idea - if the number of times he barged into my room unannounced to try and get me to drink with him was anything to go by), but it was so my parents could travel full-time. Which, they are doing now and I am happy for them because my mom has 10 years maximum if she is lucky before needing oxygen (Smokers Lung), and my dad is dealing with medical injuries he got while serving - they discharged him because they would never heal right.

I have also picked back up with my job on my college campus! So money! And have secured a much better paying job over break than my McDonalds job, meaning I am not so hard pressed for cash. Which is also great because the last week of summer I had to dish out $2500 for my truck after it broke down in Tennessee and we had to get towed back to North Carolina.

So! Down to business! Now that I know what was wrong with me, and I no longer have issues with suicide, I’m on medication, and last semester I had a therapist that was a major help to me. I am actually in a better spot to be here. It has certainly taken a lot of work, and 2020-21 has thrown just about everything that it seems to have been able and hell, I am still looking for a third job.

Speaking of, god damn, the commissions! Jesus H. Christ, I wanted those done by January! And it’s March! Although I have been making progress on them, that is absolutely true - I am working on them a bit oddly though, switching between which ones I do to try and stop burn out and also because I was not drawing while mentally at my lowest. So to anyone who commissioned me who may not be looking at those messages, but sees this, I am sorry, they are being worked on. And I understand this is a ridiculous amount of time to wait for them and thank you all for being so patient.

I have also been considering if it is a good choice for me to come back to this page, and yes, I think that it is. Having something that I do every day has proven to be very helpful, and the amount of joy and love I have for these pages and the followers on them is immense. I was trying to clear out storage on my phone and I have an album just of prompts or asks that you guys have sent that continue to make my day. It really does mean the world to me.

I cannot be too sure if many have noticed my absence, if Prompt Guy did either. But I am stopping it now. I am finally in a good place. And yeah, I have a lot to do still - if all goes according to plan then I graduate next year. So after this I only have two more semesters before I graduate with my Bachelors in Business, with a focus on Entrepreneurship at the age of 20. And I better because I cannot afford to be in college much longer. I want to be back here, and return to my regular postings and interactions. I am getting those commissions done no matter what - that is a constant guilt over my head. Trust me, I know that it is there. I know. But I joined as an admin because I had followed this page the day it was created. And then I saw it had gone dead with no posts, so I applied as an admin. I got it. And things went very well. Well, I intend to hold back to what I wanted when I was first on this page, bringing it back to consistent postings for everyone.

I am here. I am back. And I am staying.

Also, I apologize if there are any typos, I have been doing a lot or writing for homework and personal work (trying to stop burn out and the threat of school ending my love to write) and my eyes have been strained the last few days, so everything is a bit fuzzy. Speaking of fuzzy! Turns out I needed glasses! So I have glasses now!

Yours truly, Prompt Prophet

[eroticcannibal]

it really does depend on what insurance you have, but for the most part, yes, you can shop around for a doctor until you find one you like. (my mom can, i cannot). i'm embarrassed by that fellow american that absolutely refuses to understand what you're talking about

Yeah like. Me and a friend had some very similar experiences with shitty psychiatrists trying to diagnose us with BPD. Now in the short term I came out better cus I didnt end up on a ward for fighting it BUT. Once they got out, with their shitty insurance they were still thankfully able to see someone else, and now they are doing great. They are starting ADHD meds now! I had to walk out that first session and I have not been able to see a psychiatrist since because well. Thats my psychiatrist. I dont get another. And he made it very clear I am too much of an unstable liar for me to be allowed to go through the Official Processes to change proffesionals in Special Circumstances.

The only way I can actually change to a new proffesional is by going private. And I sure as shit can't afford that. I guess otherwise I can wait for them to retire.

(@ that fool Many Americans also cannot afford that im not fucking dumb dont touch this post with your bullshit)

[samhaininthemembrane]

🎃Welcome!🖤

This is my side blog where I can talk and vent about my disability and neurodivergence, as well as reblog things related to those topics. I will state that I am not an authority on anything discussed here beyond my own lived experience. Please take anything I say with a reasonable grain of salt and remember that I am not a professional.

About Me

My name is Madi/Mati (pronounced Mad-ie/Matt-ie,which in my version of english sounds roughly the same), but you can call me Samhain (pronounced Sau-ihn) or other derivatives of my username if you prefer.

I am 28 years old. If you dont want to interact based on age, keep that in mind!

My pronouns are She/They/He. Feel free to mix them up from time to time!

I am nonbinary with femme leanings because gender is complicated and that's what I've decided is the most accurate description of my lived experience. I mention this specifically because it affects how I live with my disability. I will accept good natured questions about it.

I am queer, and I will say the word queer in reference to myself or the community. I have several different orientations and sometimes it's just too complicated to get into all of them.

I am inclusive and intersectional, as I understand that everything affects everything else in different ways and that a persons life experience can't be compartmentalized like that.

I am a vocal proponent of science based medicine, therapy, and medication as well as a proponent of informal or self diagnosis. I understand that care isnt accessible to everyone and that it's more nuanced than that. Everyone deserves respect and dignity regardless of whether or not they can or want to seek treatment for themselves.

I struggle a lot with memory problems, so it is not uncommon for me to reblog things I've reblogged before, repeat points I've already made, forget to include important tags or image descriptions, and forget to respond to messages for long stretches of time. I appreciate your patience in this regard and do not mind gentle and well intentioned reminders!

My ask box is generally open, and anons are fine! It might take me a bit to answer, but I will do my best to do so! I promise I'm not ignoring you!

What I Have?

First off, I will say that no one is entitled to this information, and I am choosing to make it known because I want to. No one is ever entitled to info you deem private and the idea that you have to prove you're "___ enough" to strangers is, frankly, fucked up. I'm okay with being open about it because I'm an adult and incredibly open about it in my daily life, but you dont have to be.

I'll put this below a read more as to not conjest things too much. 🖤

Known disabilities/neurodivergences:

ADHD (Inattentive Type) - Got diagnosed as a kid but I didnt know it. Didn't get treatment until I was an adult. I have been getting treatment for this, and my mental health toolkit is pretty established. It is still definitely something I struggle with that hinders a lot of aspects of my life, but therapy and meds changed my life.

Spinal Injury - Happened when I was 20 for no reason. Have had surgery that helped with most of it, but still experience effects of it. (Herniation between L4-L5 if you're curious)

Chronic Vestibular Migraines - Started in July of last year, very frequent. Currently seeking treatment for it, but since it's not a super well understood type of migraine, it's hard to treat.

Generalized Anxiety, Depression, and S.A.D. - I lump these all together because they kind of go together. Also I've never known another disabled person who didnt have some variety of this (although most disabled people I know became disabled later in their lives.)

Geographic Tongue and Various Allergies - I have to careful to not make my tongue flare up beyond what is tolerable when I eat, and there is not a time of year when I don't have to take allergy meds. My allergies have never put me in the hospital, but I do get hives, restricted breathing, etc. (Yes, I am aware that Geographic Tongue is an outdated diagnosis, but its easier than explaining the nuance of it).

Dental Issues - I don't know about a specific diagnosis but my teeth are for sure bad.

Mild Scoliosis - Enough that it affects me, not enough to get treatment about it.

General chronic pain and fatigue

Suspected disabilties/neurodivergences (i.e. not formally diagnosed):

Autism - My therapist and I have been talking about it and I'm currently deciding if I want to seek out a formal diagnosis or not, seeing as it's known to be a difficult process. This would be in addition to the ADHD.

Auditory Processing Disorder - it's a pretty common comorbidity with ADHD and I'm pretty sure I have it.

Dyscalcula - never formally diagnosed, but suspicion is there.

Something more than just a migraine disorder, since I have a lot of various issues and the meds I get prescribed for migranes dont work well and have horrible side effects.

Some sort of autoimmune disorder, since I get sick incredibly easily (about one big sickness a season) and it wipes me out every time. I also get skin infections incredibly easily and that's gotta be a thing, right?

[nepsah]

rambling abt health stuff

hrmmmm so in 2020 i finally got Officially Diagnosed(tm) w/adhd but put off doing much else bc like, i didn’t see much of a point to looking into medication bc despite struggling i’d been managing okay enough but... last year i was like “y’know, maybe i don’t have to struggle?? maybe i could try meds??? i hear those work nicely for some people???”

so i tried somethin’ for 2mos last year (was supposed to be 3 but my dr. never refilled the 3rd month ahahahaa....) but it did absolutely nothing (i think it was concerta? idk, he wanted me to try that first before bringing out the big guns, so to speak)

so i dropped that until i saw him for a yearly physical and brought it up annnnd over the last 2 mos i’ve been on adderall and can’t say i’ve noticed any difference at all ahahaha except ! i am now so nauseous in the mornings that it affects how fast i’m able to do my job (i take my pill with some food so its not like i’m doing it on an empty stomach)

so i am probably going to talk to my dr. about quitting that venture. tbf, he started me out on 20mg but apparently there’s like, some kinda shortage on that bc 2 diff pharmacies were having trouble getting it so we switched to 25mg last month and that was when the nausea really hit

its a common side effect so its not that weird but idk. i do not throw up very easily and i’ve gotten close to it a couple times, both while i was at work.

idk- i know you’re s’posed to give meds a few months to really start taking affect but like, i can pop one a these pills and still immediately go to sleep. it has abt the same effect on me as caffeine, which is to say: nothing.

(i know there are some ppl that get MORE sleepy on adderall and that’s not really it - i’m not more or less tired)

but also i’m leery on continuing it because i have an increased chance of developing stomach ulcers due to the meds i take to manage my chronic pain and you’re not supposed to take antacids while on adderall bc u might get serotonin syndrome @ m @;;;; its just... idk, not worth the side effects/risks, i think

i will just have to accept that This Is Just How I Am, I Guess

a more compassionate side of me insists that its fine, y’know? there’s nothing wrong with it - this is how i am wired, i cannot be anything but who i am, right?

but i’m also just. annoyed. frustrated? with myself over it. i’m not even sure if its the adhd that’s the biggest contributor to the things that frustrate me about myself but i had been, honestly, hoping that this would somehow... i dunno. fix me, i guess. which is stupid. i know that’s stupid. there is no magic pill that can fix anyone. but maybe it could’ve given me some kinda leg up to get better

(at what? (anything))

i am trying to be compassionate with myself but it is in all honesty just... frustrating. to see other people have all these spoons to do things in their life and i seem to struggle to just fuckin... exist, i guess.

i know some of this is internalized ableism - but i also just.

do i even qualify as disabled?

(what a dumb question)

the kinder, logical part of my brain says yes- my quality of life is impacted by my adhd, and by my chronic pain. my energy levels are lower than “normal”

the other part of me says just fuckin get over it. i’m on meds to manage the pain. i’ve worked through everything else so far in my life and i can continue to do it now. there’s no excuse. you don’t have it as bad as other people.

(i know, i know that’s unkind- unfair- i would never say that to anyone else-)

i feel as though i’m stagnating and i do not know what to do about it

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ‘Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[teddybeckham]

charles melton, cis male, he/him, silver hey have you seen TEDDY BECKHAM ? HE let me borrow his PAINT BRUSHES . oh, you know them! they’re 27 and they’ve been at Roy G. for THREE YEARS. They are known to be a total SCORPIO. no wonder they’ve picked up the nickname THE BLACK SHEEP ! i’m surprised you haven’t heard them blaring STACY’S MOM BY FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE all night. they remind me of PAINT SPLATTERED JEANS, A LONG TIRED SIGH AND GETTING HIGH AT 3 AM. anyway, let me know if you see them ! (rachell, 23, she/her, mt, n/a).

ok hello omg im rachell and this is my lil shit teddy who just needs love ok? i haven’t gotten to play him in awhile and i’m really excited to play this new kinda version of him here?? this whole thing maybe kind of all over the place cuz we’re kinda figuring it out as we go lol but yes pls love us, this whole post is a lot so i apologize im--

tw cancer, tw death, tw depression, tw alcoholism

teddy was born november 3rd, 1993, as an only child, and though a sweet and happy kid he had always struggled with school, being diagnosed with adhd dislexia at a pretty young age causing him to learn at a different pace than the rest of the kids at his class

tho this was pretty hard on him and caused him to grow frustrated at his assignments more often than not, his mom was always there with the patient and supportive smiles, ready to give a hand wherever she could 

things were ok with his dad for the most part the boy was just easily more attached his mother, it being as clear as day to anyone who knew the beckhams

it threw everyone in the small family for a loop when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer by the time he was six, soon growing familiar with the visits to the hospital and seeing her in a way he never wished he’d have to

as the years went by and his mom now practically stayed in the hospital, the small boy was completely at a loss on how to cope, one day he had to put together a creative piece for school, and being completely fed up with everything, he just painted out everything he was feeling, not giving a shit on how it looked or what he was supposed to have done instead, completely caught off guard when his teacher absolutely loved it, saying she saw great potential in it and him, it being the first time he had actually felt good about smth in school

his mother passed away by the time he was 10, causing teddy to be a lot more closed off and withdrawn from his peers at school, growing frustrated a lot quicker, with art being the only thing that really kept him going as he even pushed his dad away as well, the pair never having been good at talking about their feelings

the death took a big toll on his dad as well, soon falling into a depression that costed him his job, at times not being fully capable of caring for teddy on his own, bringing in the boy’s aunt to help out when she could as he spiraled into borderline alcoholism....that is, until jasmine’s mother came along, slowly helping him come out of his dark place with each moment they spent together, supporting him through therapy and alcoholics anonymous 

teddy found it difficult to be as happy for him as his aunt was, considering how it felt as if his mom was somehow getting replaced, let alone the seemingly perfect young daughter this new woman in his dad’s life had along with her. his dad never really took his love and passion for art all that seriously to begin with, now he had someone else to compare his son to, despite the age gap between the two and he couldn’t really stand it, causing him to give the new people in their life a difficult time at the beginning of them all getting to know each other that was pretty difficult to shake

by the time jasmine’s and teddy’s parents officially got married, the boy was around a freshman/sophmore in high school, at this point warming up more to his new step mom, able to see what his dad saw in her and over all grateful for all that she’d done for him, tho his new step sibling was still smth to adjust to, teddy being too awkward and feeling too much like he was living in her shadow to open up too much, on top of their differences with her as pretty much the golden child and him still not caring much for school and more throwing himself in his art instead of really socializing or getting to know others

fast forward to now with the 2 siblings having been in florida for 3 years, living together and still struggling to understand each other while also getting on each other’s nerves in between. their family at this point is a real one in teddy’s eyes, despite how much he feels like the black sheep when they facetime. call jas his step sister and he’ll sock you. over all there’s sm love there despite how difficult it can be to admit out loud or in general really

about him

takes meds for his adhd

there is nothing that he loves more or is more passionate about than his art, it’s his escape and his way to let out his emotions he doesn’t know how to communicate otherwise

his and jasmine’s place is filled with wips that he’ll just start cuz he got inspo, was bored, or was stressed out

kind of hard for him to sit still and can be pretty anxious but usually puts up a hard exterior so it’s kinda hard to tell 

he is tired all the time, stays up too late to work on his art and relies on coffee to keep him going, someone stop him

is pretty hard to warm up to i wanna say but he’s such a lil shit and has chaotic dumbass energy but like...lowkey lol, very loyal tho, he kinda keeps others at arms length but will appreciate you sm if you become one of his ppl

can be reckless if he’s comfortable w you and around the right ppl

swears too much

extra awkward once finding out he likes someone, will be gruffer than he means to bc he’s just like ew why?

projects this sort of intimidating, confident kind of aura but is actually v insecure

trust issues *finger guns*

usually has paint stains on his jeans but he couldn’t really care less? and he’d dare someone to say smth to him about it

actual name is theodore but he hates it sm call him that at your own risk

stubborn AF and can be pretty judgmental of ppl who come off as snobby and entitled??? hates those kinds of ppl

is so so protective of jasmine despite usually being a pain to her, that’s his baby SISTER

where does he work? idek man maybe at like a tattoo place or smth, ill figure it out

[shikagemaru]

Been having an identity crisis recently. There's It a whole lot of things adding up to that. Call it a rant and ignore it if you want. There's only like 3 of you guys anyway.

I would put a readmore here if I knew how to do that on mobile (thanks for sucking, only social media app I feel at all comfortable with)

•It really doesn't help that the past 7 years of my life have been completely stagnant. Since I haven't been able to work my wife and I have had basically no freedom of our own.

•2 years ago I was put in jail because a pair of psychopaths decided to go from 70 to 0 on the highway in front of us, and get out to try attacking us. I tried backing up to go around but obviously the car behind me was too close and the highway was at speed in the right lane. So I had to go around on the grass while these 2 crazy assholes were approaching while shouting threats. One was coming for my wife's window. So I did what I had to and bumped one of them. He wouldn't move and our safety was more important than him being hurt a little. There was a high speed chase through our community, and while we're on the phone with the police these two are trying to force us off the road. The cops even see one of them hanging out the window shouting threats at us. We pull into a mcdonalds parking lot and after talking to them for a bit the cops arrest me because he said I "ran him over" on purpose. He was so uninjured that he refused medical care at the scene, but he kept telling people I ran him over. They were also both arrested btw. I was held without food or mpving air for over 13 hours and I have a history of heat stroke and hypoglycemia (it's bot exactly that, but it's like living outside of a big city and tellinf people you're from there instead of the local podunk you actually live in). Long story short it was torturous, and then I got put in actual jail. They didn't care that I have a long list of disabilities. When I was released I had to wear an anklr monitor while taking weekly drug tests. The numbers on the drug test kept reading that I was using weed even though I wasn't. It was insanely stressful as the numbers didn't change from one week to another. My fear was that because I was rapidly losing weight from stress that the thc being held onto in the fat was being detected. NOPE. turns out one of my DAILY meds was testing false positive. "Shouldn't they know about the false positive drug and account for it?" Youd think. But when they scanned my medication bottles that one came out blurred and they never entered it into their system. In case there are any lingering feelings that I was guilty, the court case more than handled that. The prosecutor was the kind of scumbag that, before my trial, tried prosecuting this guy's mother-in-law for assaulting him when she tried taking her grandkid out of his arms because he was using the baby to shield himself when the family confronted him about having a fake medical license and it ruining all their lives. It turns out I was put through hell and all he was seeking was "anger management counciling" because he believed that I, the guy protecting his wife, had road rage issues. One listen to the 911 calls would have straightened thst up. My lawyer kicked his ass just a little more than I did on the stand. Long story concluded, thanks for the ptsd. The nightmares have been lovely. So is panicking whenever a door closes kinda loud.

•Last year I was able to self diagnose myself with autism. For those who don't know, the vast majority of autistic people self diagnose, largely due to "experts" on average not being well educated on what autism is outside of the stereotypical cases. Most women aren't diagnosed until adults. Most "high functioning" (which is an awful description when you lesrn that it was created by a literal nazi to separate autistic people into "kill these ones" and "don't kill these ones" categories) people aren't diagnosed until adulthood. And by then actually getting the diagnosis is a challenge. And frequently it involves exercising privelege to get the right people involved.

So knowing what I know now a lot of my life suddenly makes sense. People accusing me of being manipulative when I literally don't know what it is that makes them think that? Severe miscommunications? Obsessing over specific topics to the point where people want to avoid me? Always being "the weird one" and as a result being a social outcast from day 1? Despite being considered very intelligent, I've been super easily manipulated by people my whole life. I can barely ever tell a person no, even if I know I should. Hell. There have been entire relationships I've had with people where I thought we were friends and they didn't think the same thing. Learning who or even how to trust becomes a challenge.

Yeah, it all makes sense now. I want to say "i don't know how they didn't see it", but I do. The 90s was shit for mental health. Since they knew I had tourettes (thanks for that, universe) and adhd, my obsessive tendencies were labeled ocd. Actual adult relationships have gone entirely to shit because of miscommunication. People seem to think I mean one thing when I mean another entirely. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've basically been told never to be passionate about a topic.

How does a person handle that? It doesn't unfuck relationships with people. Once someone thinks you're lying and manipulating that's it. Nothing you can ever say will ever dissuade them. It doesn't matter that they were the ones that misunderstood. Somehow it becomes the fault of the autistic person. And good luck if you're ever autistic and have a panic attack. So I'm trying not to care about that. It's hard. It's especially hard knowing that things didn't have to, and may not have gone the way they did if i had known about it earlier. I wish I could rebuild certsin relationships. My wife and I used to fight, but since we realized that both of us have these triggers because we're both autistic, we resolve almost every misunderstanding like a walk in the park. But that doesn't work with people you haven't spoken to in years. Even if a lot of it was frankly their fault.

•And the latest fuckery? I have no idea what gender I am. If I had the power to shapeshift I'd probably change on a daily or hourly basis. I had an alt account years ago where I posted fanfiction. Some people in the community assumed they knew my gender and pronouned me as such in the comments. That was the first time I had ever experienced gender euphoria. I was....upset, when someone corrected them. Would have been nice if they asked me first. I enjoyed the confusion quite a lot actually. And since I have a terrible time coming up with names for things (my screen name is from 20 years ago and I never figured out a new one) so I don't know where I would start building up a new persona. And for what? To get the rush of people not knowing which pronouns to use? I hate it. I want it. I don't know if I can ever come out as trans. People think trans means m2f and f2m, and it doesn't really matter to the public consciousness that there's more to it than that. I want to scream at people that I'm trans, but i don't know what I even want my body to look like. If I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly transformed would I be happy? I have no idea. No? Yes?

I don't know who I am or how to even identify. I'm a disabled, autistic, lgbtq ethnic minority with no financial freedom, and my 40s are approaching. Life is a challenge. Sometimes I wish I could just Danny Phantom it up. And by sometimes I mean daily.