#i will just... save some of that for my therapist tmrw..... u n u

[nepsah]

rambling abt health stuff

hrmmmm so in 2020 i finally got Officially Diagnosed(tm) w/adhd but put off doing much else bc like, i didn’t see much of a point to looking into medication bc despite struggling i’d been managing okay enough but... last year i was like “y’know, maybe i don’t have to struggle?? maybe i could try meds??? i hear those work nicely for some people???”

so i tried somethin’ for 2mos last year (was supposed to be 3 but my dr. never refilled the 3rd month ahahahaa....) but it did absolutely nothing (i think it was concerta? idk, he wanted me to try that first before bringing out the big guns, so to speak)

so i dropped that until i saw him for a yearly physical and brought it up annnnd over the last 2 mos i’ve been on adderall and can’t say i’ve noticed any difference at all ahahaha except ! i am now so nauseous in the mornings that it affects how fast i’m able to do my job (i take my pill with some food so its not like i’m doing it on an empty stomach)

so i am probably going to talk to my dr. about quitting that venture. tbf, he started me out on 20mg but apparently there’s like, some kinda shortage on that bc 2 diff pharmacies were having trouble getting it so we switched to 25mg last month and that was when the nausea really hit

its a common side effect so its not that weird but idk. i do not throw up very easily and i’ve gotten close to it a couple times, both while i was at work.

idk- i know you’re s’posed to give meds a few months to really start taking affect but like, i can pop one a these pills and still immediately go to sleep. it has abt the same effect on me as caffeine, which is to say: nothing.

(i know there are some ppl that get MORE sleepy on adderall and that’s not really it - i’m not more or less tired)

but also i’m leery on continuing it because i have an increased chance of developing stomach ulcers due to the meds i take to manage my chronic pain and you’re not supposed to take antacids while on adderall bc u might get serotonin syndrome @ m @;;;; its just... idk, not worth the side effects/risks, i think

i will just have to accept that This Is Just How I Am, I Guess

a more compassionate side of me insists that its fine, y’know? there’s nothing wrong with it - this is how i am wired, i cannot be anything but who i am, right?

but i’m also just. annoyed. frustrated? with myself over it. i’m not even sure if its the adhd that’s the biggest contributor to the things that frustrate me about myself but i had been, honestly, hoping that this would somehow... i dunno. fix me, i guess. which is stupid. i know that’s stupid. there is no magic pill that can fix anyone. but maybe it could’ve given me some kinda leg up to get better

(at what? (anything))

i am trying to be compassionate with myself but it is in all honesty just... frustrating. to see other people have all these spoons to do things in their life and i seem to struggle to just fuckin... exist, i guess.

i know some of this is internalized ableism - but i also just.

do i even qualify as disabled?

(what a dumb question)

the kinder, logical part of my brain says yes- my quality of life is impacted by my adhd, and by my chronic pain. my energy levels are lower than “normal”

the other part of me says just fuckin get over it. i’m on meds to manage the pain. i’ve worked through everything else so far in my life and i can continue to do it now. there’s no excuse. you don’t have it as bad as other people.

(i know, i know that’s unkind- unfair- i would never say that to anyone else-)

i feel as though i’m stagnating and i do not know what to do about it