#and i dont see that changing any time soon so thats even worse

[neembu]

sc fucked me up so bad i have taken quite litl 3 photos since i deleted it 4 yrs ago

[carpedzem]

help needed

hi guys

some might remember i have a cat, an old gentleman named Mikuś. unfortunately with this age - the illness was about to happen sooner or later. i would prefer slower if i could choose. unfortunately thats not how life works and i had to watch my baby getting worse and worse within days. its serious since Mikuś is refusing to eat right now and lost 1/4 of his weight.

we still dont know what this is, we are checking what we can but i cant exclude cancer. its really hard to me right now, especially mentally because Mikuś is 20 which means, as you can probably guess, he was with me not only his whole life but also my whole life. he has been my lifeline for a big part of it as well. i am staying hopeful for the best outcome.

if you would like to help financially i will be grateful for you forever ever ever ever. even if you can send minimal amount and you think it wont change anything - it will, i promise, you can be a reason why he eats today. all money will go to pay for vet visits, medical exams, medicine and transport. im also fine with showing proof in dms of what i paid for if anyone want so see it. the goal right now is set based on what i already spend plus what else can happen this week but any, really any help will be appreciated, even if its just a reblog.

KO-FI LINK

also i will draw you what you want with pleasure. you can literally use this as commissions. i didnt have time (or peace of mind) to prepare price sheet but any donation above 100$ means fully rendered piece of your choosing with background. examples 1 and 2. ill start as soon as i feel better. dm me and we can talk through what you want

i dont know what else i can say. kiss your pet from me, and thank you for any support and kind messages. its going to be hard for me so please be patient

photo of Mikuś breadloafing in the vet office today

[fontainesiblingsbiggestfan]

Lyney & Lynette with GN S/O's pet

notes: mod dont quite know what exactly to write about but thats fine cause can just make it up as mod goes on.. would post more but dont wanna overflow the tags with mods stuff and drown out other wonderful writers n whatnot! this is probably way worse than the last one so sorry if it sucks :( [btw rq reminder that u can request stuff, so look into that if you want something made for one of/both of these two.)

Lyney is pretty good with animals of all types pretty much!! Besides fish though, fish hate him (and no even in a scared way, they bite him.) As soon as he realizes you have a pet he instantly wants to befriend it, asks you what they're like, do they like to eat this or that..

Probably gonna have to tell him to not give your pet too many treats, cause he might overdo it a tiny bit while trying to make him their favorite. Would probably start bringing a treat for everytime he went to your house then explains it as him having to pay an "entrance fee". If your pet is able to/likes to play he might bring them a toy like.. Every two or so weeks? Whenever he sees a cute toy for their species he'll just get one for your pet.

If it's a dog, he doesn't have much experience with them due to various reasons, but he doesn't dislike them or anything (even if he does prefer kitties..) You might not want a big one on his lap or anything though since he's not neccesarily the biggest guy, so be careful with that.

Asks you if it sheds before he even enters the house. He needs to know cause nine times out of ten he just finished a show and he does not want pet hair all over his show clothes. If it is then he'll probably end up going home to change to avoid any issues regarding that.

Cats love Lyney 99% of the time, can tame even the craziest of crazies into lapcats. Of course, this is 99%, not 100.. The 1% wants him dead. Birds also tend to like him since he's used to working with doves and whatnot, used to dealing with them. Asks you if he can have it on his finger/arm. Also good with rabbits due to him also working with them, might scare it like once with a magic trick though since he might forget yours isn't really used to that.?? Feels bad afterwards though and gives it food as an apology so I suppose it's alright.

Lyney is willing to petsit and is good at it. If your pet destroys anything you own while your gone he might just.. Replace it and hope you don't notice. Would be a bit scared that you might get angry at him also for letting it do that or something. In general would describe him as a pretty solid person to keep around your pet with points deducted due to the issue of him spoiling the thing too much, 8/10.

Lynette is liked by cats, and they tend to gravitate towards her. So, if you have a cat, hurray! If you have a dog, however...

Dogs don't really like her, with the range going from them barking at her constantly to just ignoring her, depending entirely on the dog's personality. Don't worry, though; it won't really offend her. She's quite used to it, and besides, she isn't a dog fan anyway. She would probably ask you to put the dog up if it won't leave her alone, though.

A lot like Lyney, she is also good with birds and rabbits. But do keep in mind, just because she's good with them, doesn't mean they're good with her. Birds, unless having been subject to Lynette for long enough, tend to fly away from her. Not all of them, just most of them.

Rodents and the like also run from her. And amphibians. And fish. Her cat-like features and smell seem to frighten any animals that would qualify as prey to a cat. But again, she doesn't really mind; she expected this sort of reaction anyway.

She doesn't try to make them like her or anything, wouldn't even mind if they hated her. Still, that doesn't mean she would turn the animal down if it does happen to enjoy her presence; she'd not-so-secretly like it if they did. Lynette might even come to your house just to chill out with the pet (you being a small side bonus to the trip).

Pretty good petsitter, kind of. Lynette has her own cats at home, so she's used to being climbed all over or serving food and whatnot. As long as the animal isn't scared of her, it will go fine. Just pray to God you have no machines that she'd have to use in her time there, and she'll be fine, 8/10 (points deducted for obvious reasons).

[mvmnbnv]

bro I’m so sick of ppl shitting on vi. particularly jinx stans. they act like vi isn’t allowed to have trauma (or anyone else tbh) but vi has had her whole life ripped away from her. she spent most of her youth, watching out for her siblings then spent her whole time in prison focused on her sister. then spends days searching for jinx as soon as she gets out of prison. never once putting herself first, doing anything for herself, etc.

she was ready to drop her life again to run away with jinx. this doesn’t even consider all the physical and emotional violence she has experienced through out her life. i see so many jinx stans continue to expect vi to put jinx first and have her be the singular priority. it’s like they want vi to remain a doormat and have her life continually revolve around her sister/they want that co-dependency to continue - pretty much so it benefits jinx only. they don’t give a fuck about vi

as for ppl expecting vi to let Cait continue to berate vi for caring about her sister (i luckily haven’t seen any of this bs), have a serious misunderstanding of caits character too. i expect vi to be more subdued about it when Caitlyn is actively grieving, vi is empathetic and knows grieving can bring out the worst in people/she knows that’s not who cait truly is. idk how those ppl can see Cait doing that continually, even after her initial anger/resentment, bcuz thats not how her character’s personality is written. and even if they went with a massive change to caits character, their relationship would be done.

that was a lot. sry. just done with ppl minimizing vi’s trauma and making her only prop for other characters (mainly for jinx). i can’t wait for her pit fighting time - to see her focus on herself for once . i know it’s going to be rough and sad but hopefully transformative for her character

it wasnt that they'd seen that happen or anything, but they WANT it to happen...and its so sick. like they dream of the day they hopefully get to see cait say she wished she'd left vi to rot in prison or something...like to even wish for that is wild, and somehow worse. and honestly even if cait did hurt her, im sorry but i dont really care for her being understanding about it. mostly because it wouldnt even be reciprocated in that case and people are never expected to be understanding with her. not jinx, not caitlyn, not anyone. thats who she is tho so yknow, whatever. she probably will. she just deserves to be able to be bitter about this shit. im afraid of what theyll do with her and cait because of the way they treated her relationship with jinx. just crying, whining and ready to throw her life away for a shitty co-dependent relationship...that makes me nervous for where theyll go and they've already seemingly made choices that lead to that type of relationship...which is worse with a power imbalance.

like fuck it, i want vi to be selfish at some point...like "fuck you, you hurt me...make it up to me. its not my job to do all the heavy lifting. if you love me prove it. make me understand." not whatever shit they did with her and jinx. and the way people can never hold jinx accountable for her actions while all the while getting upset with vi for reacting to them is enraging ong

[basil-does-arttt]

been thinking about Trish a lot lately, and her connection to Eva

(Big ranty thing with some analysis into her character + my own headcanons about trish below)

She was created to be a carbon copy of Eva, right down to the most unimportant details. So much so that Dante recognized her immediately he didnt even do a double-take, as soon as those glasses were off he saw Eva standing infront of him instead of Trish. (I mean, blonde haired+blue eyed women arent uncommon and its not like Dante has never been into a public space before. Hes probably seen similar women to Eva many times throughout his life, but only Trish was so perfectly like Eva that he couldnt see anything else but his mother in her that first moment they met.)

But thats just physical features. It'd be too easy, too simple for Mundus to just create a look-alike to Eva. And i dont think that alone would've been enough to trick Dante either, Dante isnt an idiot no matter how dumb he acts sometimes. So, how deep into this "recreate Eva" thing did Mundus actually go?

Does Trish experience the same motherly instincts Eva had toward Dante (and Vergil)? Does she feel the need to protect them and cherish them like Eva did? Does she get urges to hold them, kiss and hug them and give them praise as Eva once did in their childhood? If so, does she ignore these feelings, pushing them down untill they're buried so deep within her mind that she's forgotten them entirely, or does she let them be and let them pass on their own, wether she acts on them or not. She's quite sassy with Dante in dmc4 and seems quite aloof in dmc5, so maybe thats how she copes with it instead - acting the total opposite to what Eva ever would.

Going even deeper into that, does Trish have any of Eva's memories? Even just vague snippets or imaginings of Eva's life, considering how well Mundus made Trish then that might not be an impossibility. If so, how much would she have the ability to recall? Could she even recall the fire, maybe? If she can, how would she feel about it. Would she grieve? Feel anger, regret, or nothing at all?

And how would she feel about all of this overall? Being a clone of Eva right down to the gritty details even Dante wouldn't know. Trish is so strongly contrasted to Eva in personality, style and tastes that i'd like to imagine she isnt that much of a fan, put simply. She's her own person, she wants to be her own person and she hates the person she represents. She hates how her existence causes pain to somebody she's wired to care so deeply for - sometimes against her will - and she hates seeing him cry or drink himself to death over that dusty old picture thats been sitting on his desk for decades, knowing that she'll only ever make it worse for him in the end, that his grief extends so far into the core of his being that nothing in existence will ever truly fix it.

She's conflicted.

She's Trish. But is she really? Or is that just who she says she is in an effort to push back and ignore the reality of her existence? Nothing more than a fake, a husk of a person who's time was cut short prematurely then taken advantage of by the very being that killed her in the first place.

She's Trish. Not Eva. She can't be Eva, and she never will be Eva. Nothing will change that. Not a dusty old picture, not an old man's delusions, not some dead demon king who breathed life into her form in the first place.

She's Trish. But who even is Trish? Her entire being has always been about Eva. She doesnt know anything else. So she overcompensates with acting sarcastic and sassy, looking hot and sexy and playing with guns and swords because those are things Eva wouldn't ever do herself. Eva. Again, it all comes back to Eva.

She's Trish. Devil hunter and the most 2000s representation of "hot blonde" one could get. Thats who she is. Or at least, that's who she's trying so desperately to be.

Trish needs more love from the developers, her character is so interesting. I have other analysis' of the other characters too if anybody would be interested in that but for now, ill leave you with my take on the iconic blonde from this wonderful series.<3

[mydahliarose]

To love oneself 🪽🃏

Parings: niiri x Michael, miiri

Fandoms: what in hell is bad?

Tags: wholesome, no smut, fluff

Synopsis: poor Michael has never learned to love himself because for his whole life hes only cared what god thinks and wants and not for his own well-being so niiri helps him find positive traits about himself in order to love himself properly.

Authors note: i was inspired by a favorite scene in a black and white french movie called angel-a but i reversed the role where niiri takes the role of the angel women in the movie where as Michael is the guy shes helping him find self love and esteem.

A beautiful evening it was today, the wind was perfectly cool and chilly enough to wrap around your arms into your lovers warmth.

But for niiri and Michael they only stood away a bit from eachother, elbows barley touching as there arms where crossed relaxing on the bridge watching the scenery of the city.

They had just finished accomplishing another extermination together a successful one at that. Now finally alone together enjoying the view, streets filled with the stains of there enemy, grinning in pride as the taboo couple enjoy the view in silence so peaceful it felt and yet something was a miss..

A soft sigh that was filled in woe caught the attention of the Harlequin demon turning her head over to see Michaels eyes ponder down in the dark streets with flickering street lights.

" Angelica whats the matter?" She eagirly wanted to be closer to his touch but best until he signaled her to do so for now.

He wont lie but Michael really did appreciate niiris concern during time like this when his mind wonders of to not so great places. such as judgement from the heavens, if they found out how filthy hes become with associating himself with a demon. To think back when his beloved lucifer hyung was so called veiled his eyes by such unclean creatures only to have been fated by the most irony of all things to happen in his life, to fall in love with one. In the end he accepted these feelings, yet it still didnt change the fact that the fear creepily lingered deep within his psyche slowly trying to take full of him. Before it could get any worse he finally spoke, breaking the silence between them. " Filthy...im filthy, thats whats the matter..." The sound of defeat was loud and clear to niiri now. He was beginning to resent himself over something that should never feel sinful. He moves his head,leaning against hers, aching for those comforting words of hers to echo in his mind to overshadow any negativity within him. Her hand moves to caress his raven locks, soothing him down in the process. " How cruel~ how dare your consciousness play evil tricks on you and make you see ugliness of our relationship.." niiri tip toes her fingertips around his scalp, then traces them around " Its never been ugly my dear, its nothing but beauty what you and i have~" and yet he couldnt see that. No matter how much he tried it always creeped up. And god how he hated feeling this way about himself. " Oh dolly..." He lifts a hand to cup her face. " Why must i suffer?" Then niiri tilts his head face hers. Luckily the streets where completely empty for them to be a little bit vulnerable with each other.

" let me ask you this my angelica~ do you love yourself?" Michael only blinked in confusion of her surprising question. "Pardon?" A small chuckle leaves niiris lips. " The fact you dont have a proper answer speaks volume deary~" with the same hand niiri moves from his head to shoulders, rubbing them to avoid any outburst just in case. " ...is this a joke? If course i love myself! God created me i am the angel of decapitation and bring justice by destroying every demon on sight! To rid of this hellhole of its sin! If god were still here hed praise me!...if only he where here to see what i had just accomplished...". As soon as he sniffled immediately niiri used her blouse to help wipe some tears away. " Thanks dolly..." " And you just proved my point, you don't actually love yourself. You love more your god than you do yourself..." She scoots him closer to her. " You love him so much that his opinion matters most, your afraid of his opinion about you and me more than anything yeah? More than what the angels would think?" He said nothing except a gentle nod. His face hiding on her chest. " Oh Michael...you really do suffer so much." She looked up the sky to watch god himself for a moment, Michaels spent year of his life only caring about gods words and ideology that hes never bothered to think much for himself, and the fact he was ok with that worried niiri alot.

The doll demon herself did love god, after all without him Michaels existance would not exist. She has always been grateful of that. God fated them to be together for a good reason she was most certain of that. Perhaps this was an opportunity to finally help Michael see the purity of there love. She was going to help him find love within himself, to finally see that. something thats been long overdue to be done. " Come with me, i want to show you your worth somewhere private." She lends a hand out. " How could an angel like myself be worthy of anything now that ive sinned..." Michaels body felt a force walking him with niiri, she dragged him to a nearby public restroom. "Wait here let me inspect" She went in to check around if any demons where hiding. Thankfully none where seen seemed many retreated back to there base. " All clear, now come inside~" hesitantly he walked in, just to make sure and double checked he inspected each stalls and even the small closet sure enough he felt much better. " Stand here next to me" when he walks foward he looks at niiri with wonder in his face as to what she is up to, she then points at the mirror. " My angelica tell me...what do you see?" Crossing her arms waiting for an answer. What on earth did she mean by this? It was obvious it was just them two, or perhaps she wanted him to look outside the box? Michael pondered as he stared deeply. " I suppose..." His eyes ponder to niiri, due to a fight her face looked messy and cracked. Her pigtails let loose as strands of her hair scattred in uneven places. That didnt take any beauty away from her infact it only made her more beautiful. Michael always found her bloodshed mode aftermath to be far more breathtaking combine that with her joy his heart skipped and so inevitably he blushed. " I see a beautiful demon who took my breathe away..." Niiri was caught of guard then smiled with a giggle. " Ahh thank you my angel~" gives a small peck on his cheek.

" but what else do you see?" Michael looked back towards the mirror again this time struggling to see what could possibly be there? "Nothing?" Two hands where met behind his shoulder " nuh uh~ there is something worth seeing, look closer. What do you see? Anything worth seeing in that handsome face of yours?" She gently caresses it. Michael Became nervous, gulping down his insecurities. A small smile creeped up when she mentioned his beauty. But what on earth is there besides that? Surely his divine existence should be enough just what on earth was she seeing that he was failing to see? The more he stared at himself the more irritated he was feeling. That was until when he looked deep within his own eyes in his reflection he could see something...pain years of bottled up emotion's from the past and now. That golden eye of his held it all, a very painful memory. But the other eye, blue as the clearest sky with a lilac circled around it, filled with outmost pride of bieng an angel of authoration and confidence. These eyes have always represented himself and now he is seeing it clearer as his head was slowly getting into a better mindset to understand himself.

" a mask...a mask that shield s me from unveiling the truth of how i feel..." " And what do you feel?" He tried to find the courage to say it ". broken...numb...angry.... explosive...and tired." Niiri wrapped her arms behind him. " Your right Michael, you do feel that. And you feel it everyday. But when your in my dollhouse i see a change. Your happier, because you can finally be yourself without the constant expectations of heavens law...you feel free there but once thats over you regress back to that awful state...my angelica." She tightly squeezes him. Michael let out a shaking sigh, feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment he could break down at any moment. "Niiri...d-dont let go of me..if you do, i fear i-ill..." "I would never let go of you in this moment darling dont worry~ im here, always making sure you stay together~" he turned to place a kiss onto her broken face. " This is why your my savior.." This was a step needing to happen to find self love and it was slowly working he just needed to find it within himself by seeing past his flaws.

" look again my angelica, what else do you see? If you can get past all those flaws of yours what else is there?". Niiri eagirly awaits for him to see the spark shes always seen enough something so precious yet years of bieng locked away for him to see. Scared, he looked back into the mirror, face in shambles as he looks at his imperfect self. Closer he looked within himself. " Intimidating?" " Haha yeah you are! But what else?" " This is beginning to get irritating my dear what is it that you see in me that i dont? " She points to his eyes in there reflection. " Closer love, look deep into yourself like youve never done." He annoyingly sighed but he was so curious as to what it was he was missing. He looked sharply at himself anxiety rising that he had to face his weaknesses in order to find the answer to something so simple, until he realized. All hes ever described himself where things givin to him as titles by god, the things he was ment to represent. No wonder he couldnt see much else about himself, all hes ever known was those things he just said to niiri. Christ for once he felt at loss. Was there something he was known for positively about himself? Infact there was. " Do you need a hint? " " Dare I say yes?" With a sudden sound of beads shaking gained michaels attention immediately, he knew exactly what niiri pulled out that without even thinking he snatched from her. Nuzzling his favorite toy that he hadnt touched in a good while. " My sunshine! Oh how ive missed you!" He laughed with such enthusiasm that all his worries went away with a snap of a finger except it was a toy in this case. " My dolly thank you, this just made my day entirely!" She smiles " now look back at the mirror and youll finally have your answer that youve been desperately looking for~" When he did he noticed a huge change within himself. He was happy. He looked more peacful, not a look of ready to kill on sight for once.

No infact just like his priced possession his sunflower toy. He looked playful, cheerful and kind. This was how he used to be back when his big brother was still around until he wasnt and that all changed. It was all returning back to him, he finally sees the old love he used to have of himself right before him. " I....i am happy and i am kind...perhaps in my own unique way i am that not alot of people see but i am." " Yes yes! And? " Nods up and down looking towards the toy another hint. Michael tilts his head looking at it and he smiles. " I remember when lucifer once told me i looked as happy as this sunflower when i smiled..." Such wonderful memories these where to Michael that he hugged his toy close to him finding comfort in it. " When i look at myself, i am as happy as a sunflower..." Then with a finger he touches the edge of his lips as he smiles. " When i think about that, i realize now how much i love my own smile...i love when I'm actually happy..." Clutching his childhood toy tears of joy begin forming. Finally he properly began to love himself. The heartfelt moment made niiri clap for him she was so proud of him her mission was a success. " Bravo angelica! You see? You finally gave yourself love you filled your wounds with nurture thats been long needed!" She picked Michael up, swinging him around. Both of them laughing with each other. " I certainly did dolly, i dont think i recall ever feeling this positive about myself in recent times."

She has to agree thou the most time shes seen him like this was in her playhouse to play make believe but to see him be more like that in reality was a breath of fresh air. " And you know why that's it Michael?" He cocks an eyebrow to her statement " It did not just start with loosing god but your brother aswell" he grew silent but stayed composed in an attempt to listen. " He was your big brother, and brothers are ment to love and protect his family. But when he did what he did that day..." She had thought about doing this for a long while and now she is taking the opportunity in doing so. She places her delicate fingers onto his fabricated eye. " N-niiri?" Oh how he loved this womens care. " You felt betrayed, heartbroken and confused that it left your heart filled with a void of revenge and thus no room for love anymore not even with yourself. Am i wrong?" " No i suppose your not..." All Michaels ever seen is the color red, from anger to rage like no other always focusing on taking out demons for what they took from him has taken such a heavy toll on him. Without proper support of a close one he felt lost but finally he didn't feel that way anymore. Demon or not he was glad to have somone like niiri who was so pateint with him never giving up on wishing his psyche to get better one day. " You know Michael...i relate to your tragedy alot" he was taken back from that comment " wait you do?" She nods " back in hades i was created to be the playmate of his majesty Leviathan, we where like brother and sister to each other" he was shocked to hear this sudden information " all this time you both had a familial relationship?! Consider me intrigued" niiri laughs. " I was pretty much created by his legion in order to make him happy and distract him from what happend to him when he got captured..." Suddenly niiri's joy faded, looking tensed up. Michael took note of this and offered to hold her in his arms, moving her face to lay on the crook of his neck

" its ok if you dont want to talk about it my dear, sometimes it pains me to even open up about lucifer hyung~ i understand you." Like a gentleman he caresses her hair, treating her the same as she has for him in his most vulnerable moments. " I failed him Michael...i failed to make him happy! his court was not happy with me i was alienated!" Michael squeezes her in his embrace, not to tight he wouldn't want to break her. " You told him you where an angel didnt you?" Silence. Warm tears stained his white button up shirt but he did not mind it. If she needed to let it all out so be it. " I did...he at first took it as me bieng a doll doing it as roleplay until he realized i was serious..." Michael seemed to understand a bit better how she was treated back at her home knowing now the king of envy knew of her delusion. Although he did wonder if they ever attempted to help her. Regardless it seems shes put those days behind her but the wounds linger on her forever. " I dont think theyd understand you to the fullist my dear, however if one day you ever reconcile ill support you. Just as you support me." He lifts her chin up to look directly at his eyes, they felt ethereal to look at so much so niiris woe went away with how mesmerizing they where. " You think hed miss his sister?" Michael shrugs " i cannot say for sure. But maybe he does who knows." For once she felt a small ray of hope light up within her but leviathan was sure as hell scary she certainly doesn't plan on approaching her past anytime soon or if she even wants to. " And i pray that one day you and your lucifer hyung reconcile and be a family again. If im bieng honest i think you have a higher chance than mine." Her strand of her that was blocking her face was then moved to the side of her ear by Michael. " Never say never my angel."

With the shake of his rattler he lends it to niiri " since your my lover you are the person i trust most and thus I trust you with the most precious thing to me." Her eyes widen " oh Michael i couldn't! " He stops her from giving it back " but you could, besides i think mr sunshine needs to comfort you most right now". He says confidently. " Ill be frank Mr feathers, i appreciate this token of affection very much and ill treasure it!" Wraps her arms around his shoulders. " is it greedy of me to say i want to be comforted by both you and mr sunshine?" Michael rolls his eyes but in a playful manner for her " oooh fine~ ill indulge in your sin of greed~" without warning he picks her up bridal style ready to go back home. " Woah woah woah there! Atleast let me check if no ones outside first!. " A soft snort leaves Michaels mouth. " Nonsense, it seems we scared all the demons away from this area. Ill fly us out like nothing ever happened." Both of them cackle in sync laughing from there devious battle from hours ago that the lower ranking demons needed to retreat from them. " Alright lets go " "Wait angelica" " Hm?" "Im very proud of you today." One last time she leaves a kiss this time on his nose. "And im proud of you for opening up to me about your past. I feel even closer to you knowing we both went thru the same thing." " Now you know your not alone" with a smile from both. Michael lifts his wings and flys out of the area with niiri, a long day it was for them but worth it in the end .

End

Angel dividers by @/Chocoperrito

[calpalsworld]

1 year on T review:

Disclaimer: I feel like it went really perfectly compared to some other people so don't take me as the only example.

I started on 25 ml per week (pretty low), but they lowered it to 20 ml (low) per week due to my T levels becoming insanely high and my period coming back because of it. I basically microdose T because I'm a freak 🤗

Period:

IT STOPPED

It came back a little once but then they lowered my dose

Emotions:

I didn't notice any change in emotions personally.

Strength:

Idk I might have placebo'd myself into having more strength?

Acne/stink:

It got worse like 2 months in but then went back to how I was pre-T after a few weeks. edit: probably my self maintenance habits catching up with the changes.

Wiener:

T gives you a weewee!!! O_O

It hurt badly around 3-6 months but also I already got a fair amount of pain down there pre-T. This may be a me thing.

Made my comfortability with my self and perception of self way better

Fat:

I look different slightly in a way I really like.

I have more of a chad faceshape now

Gained some body fat in a way that makes my boobs and butt look smaller (I wanted this desperately and I hope maybe in the future I can look like a bear)

Hair:

Disclaimer: I was already hairy pre-T.

Slight mustache / sideburns. Excited for more in the future. I feel like Im gaining this at a normal pace. I have yet to shave anything but I want to shave soon to see what kind of complexion/face texture it would give me.

Hair everywherrreeeeeeeeeeee

Buttcrack hair👿👿👿 (this is my least favorite change) (they dont put this in anti trans ads because its kinda gross but if they were being honest they would)

Voice:

Around 3 months you will sound like you are very very very sick for weeks. I feel like this happens to everyone not just me.

A bit deeper now.

Rumbley/cracky in a way that I really like. I amuse myself with my new voice abilities.

I can't go as high pitched anymore or it cracks.

I miss doing funny baby voices 👿👿👿

How others see me:

Medical professionals have been nice/normal to me

Going on T will not make your parents start gendering you correctly if they aren't already

Some people say they literally genuinely thought I was AMAB (edit: the reason I thought this was crazy is because I don't even bind)

Some people know immediately Im trans and immediately misgender me intentionally

I dont understand how this dichotomy works ^ androgyny achieved?

Cishet "passing" (?!) I like this somewhat so I can chillax.... but also IM NOT CISHET OR BINARY

Doing the shot:

I was never particularly scared of needles, but I was nervous the first time. Despite being a coward, I managed to do it without ever having help. (the doctors didn't show me how LOL and I got impatient waiting for my friend) (ASKING FOR HELP IS GOOD THOUGH!!!)

Used to take like 30 minutes, now takes like 5 minutes.

Idrc anymore

Nothing bad has ever happened except one time there was a bunch of blood which freaked me out.

Thats all my thoughts on T for those who are trying to find information. Feel free to ask me questions ☝🤓

[octoxicash]

abandoning down all my twt accs for the forseeable future for real now, wiping my public accs art too sometime today

some thoughts on it bc i feel a bit emotional abt it? is that stupid? over twt?? . idk give me better things to think abt or draw in my inbox or smthn

my OctoXicAsh twt acc was literally my first acc under that name, ig besides my Splatoon 2 acc where i adopted it. like before that it was shit like. CattyKat or smthn. i know ShadowKat or UltimateKat was one at some point. that user is probably still out there somewhere on League or smthn. stupid shit shit like that but not ME yknow?. OctoXic / OtoXicAsh was like my first For Real Me usernames ever and obviously i still use it to this day. so that acc feels special to me ig

it was my first social media platform too (not counting Pinterest bc i didnt use it as a social thing and still dont) and i met my bestest of friends and my now boyfriend too thru the dsmp/mcyt boom in 2021. id say that was my first truely interactive fandom which is an cringeass shit to say at my grown age but my families were too poor to afford a phone for me til i was like 16/17 and before that i just,, wasnt a very adventurous kid on the computer. 2021 jump into twt and fanart was my first step outside of my own bubble, and during the pandemic it became a lifeline. and like. Elon buying twt sealed its grave, there was no doubt abt it but i was def one of those "i go down w my ship" people bc thats STILL my biggest acc by a LONG SHOT and i had made WAY too many great memories and friends to let it go. up until literally today, my priv twt OctoIsYelling is STILL essentially a massive groupchat for me an my friends in an acc form, interactive and communicative while still letting me be in my own page. its better than insta or tumblr in that sense and it was PERFECT before it went to shit

but now the site genuinely barely functions man. its slow and laggy and reloads constantly and eats my battery worse than SKY COTL. AN ACHEIVEMENT. the app just refuses to work at all if i have my phone plugged in for whatever reason and idk how to fix it. i thought it was a me problem for so long until 1 post talking abt it changed everything. like it GENUINELY DOESNT WORK. and it SUCKS. its plauged with adds for a subscription that no one reasonable would pay for and straight up hard alt-right politics. the bots are outrageous like its sooo bad its so bad i havent opened my dms on public acc in at least a yr. sorry if anyone tried to get ahold of me. the algorithm that used to be like at least half decent is now ALL doom and bait and SHIT, its not even rlly worth it to try n cultivate ur spaces now bc no matter what shit u dont want is being pushed in ur face. the transphobia is so unbelievably bad, and while ive done my best to fix my tl its still so ass. THEY TOOK AWAY TWT CIRCLES MY BEST FRIEND 💔💔💔💔 I USED TO USE THAT FOR SHOWING OFF ART FOR MY FRIENDS TO MY OTHER FRIENDS WITHOUT THE ONE WHO ITS FOR SEEING💔💔💔💔💔💔

despite all that keeps going wrong or being fucked over i still held on for so long but i just CANT in right mind stay on the site any longer when its actively feeding its generative ai. ive been small enough and lucky enough to where no one has targeted me and used my shit (that i know of) but now its completely unavoidable and its UPSETTING

i want my big friend gc that was my web of oomfs and moots back. bluesky has hope for me but theres no priv accs and im not comfortable enough to air out every thought i have publicly. idk when privs r coming there but i hope its soon :( i miss old twt so much and i only caught glimpses of it before it was bought out. im so thankful for my time there but i cant help but feel hurt yknow?

idk if anyone else understands me rlly bc ppl have just been so frustrated w the site/app and the cons have def been outweighing the pros, but i still loved my time there. i hope im making sense. it sucks. it feels too personal. thats THE OctoXicAsh and OctoIsYelling accs. that was essentially my journal. :(

i dont have the heart to deactivate my accs esp w the load of history i have on them i RLLY dont want it gone, but ill be wiping my art from my art acc and ceasing all activity on them indefinitely. probably forever. hell.

thank u for reading all that if u did. im feeling sooo fine abt everything in my life rn. everything is falling to peices lately but were sooo fine. we ball so hard

[hiroshotreplica]

seeing people talk about trizooka's current place in the meta on twitter is so interesting to me. people say its unreactable and it is, to an extent. people say others just need better reaction time, and thats also right. these two ideas can coexist in my opnion- because the problem is that this reaction time being needed to counter such an oppressive, powerful special is really unhealthy for the game from what i can see

for example, using a main weapon that you also need good reaction time to react to: with chargers, you constantly know theyre on the map. they usually take the same positions on maps, and thats easy to notice, especially after playing in the match for a bit. you know their field of vision and where theyre currently aiming if youre observant. you can take advantage of their positioning a lot of the time and go for them (if youre a slayer or midline). another key factor is that they cant hit anyone thats behind cover, so there's blind spots.

but with trizooka, you dont exactly know where it is most of the time. trizooka's usually up by the frontline, which has a lot more positions and opportunities for pushes. it can also be shot from further back which introduces a lot more positions to account for. and, since trizooka usually gets placed on frontline slayer weapons, with only one exception (tenta brella) so far, its easy for the user to switch between these positions. trizooka's shots are arched, meaning it can shoot over cover and hit people behind cover with well aimed shots.

sure, having better reaction time and personal positioning helps with avoiding getting hit by tri's shots, but keeping track of the trizooka user should not be this challenging, too. the only way you can watch for it is by noticing a change in the squid/octo icons at the top of the screen, which requires you to take your vision off of any current fights, and something that goes away as soon as the special is activated, which is usually in an instant. there's a chance you cant even follow the trizooka user's map positioning if they arent in your field of vision, which is what typically happens (especially when youre respawning).

this is bad enough, but the special being able to be stacked quite easily thanks to its main weapons working well with each other (squeezer, splattershot, machine) makes it so much worse. especially when both shooters here have minimal shot rng (shot spread, theyre going to be hitting most if not all of their shots on the opponent) and splattershot has good painting (able to just straight up farm for special i think. take that with a grain of salt though, im not sure).

now you have multiple frontlines taking multiple and usually different positions on the map that can pull out trizooka at a moments notice and fire almost immediately. this special needs more start-up lag and quick

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Oh my gosh i would die for an animated beatles series. i think that would be so cool. I'm so passionate about art of the beatles in general, more than i can express, and i think that would fit a lot better/ be more interesting. I think it'd also be better if so many people are so expectant for the casting to look like them. No problems on casting if you can just animate them :)

I will honestly be relieved if it doesnt happen. music biopics arent my thing either. many will disagree with me but i hated the freddie mercury biopic :( </3 loved rocketman though. But im always suspicious of movies being made about very complicated topics, especially if theyre making it just to make money. i think if they do end up making 4 movies about them, it will inevitably be bad since all 4 of their lives are so hard to represent in the format of a movie (thats at least what i feel)

And i didnt even think about their lives being almost similar during their times as beatles since they spent maybe like 60% or more of their time together up until maybe 1967. Great point. Even if it was about when they were more separated from 1967-1970, i still dont think their lives were varied enough to make 4 individual films about them

sorry im going on but you are still a beloved blog i go back to now and then (lol) and a cool person i think, so im glad i could get your opinion and also just love talking about this (since i havent been able to talk about it with another beatles fan so far) - person who sent the question about the biopic

Honestly, ever since I mentioned it, I’ve been obsessed with thinking about an animated Beatles series! Like, my god, it has the potential to be so good! I keep planning it out in my head, like each episode would be at a specific time, early years, Hamburg, Beatlemania, etc… A talented animator can express so much with so little in a way that live action usually can’t touch, and that would be so important in a rich story like the Beatles’. You could even do each chapter in a different style, or with different artists, just to highlight the changes they’re going through! God, someone get me in a room with a Netflix producer, PLEASE.

I didn’t even see Bohemian Rhapsody and I adore Queen and Freddie Mercury. As soon as I heard that the band was involved with the making, I knew that it wasn’t gonna be good. 😅 I really don’t watch any musician/actor biopics. Celebrities, and families of celebrities, are always going to make themselves look as good as possible, even if it means making a worse movie. But the whole genre is just so predictable— you’ve got a young person who loves entertainment but they’ve got some kind of barrier holding them back, they break through, they experience fame, they hit a low point usually with substance abuse, and then they either get better or die. You can’t really help it, it’s just the nature of a celebrity’s life, there’s always going to be the same elements. I mean, there’s a connection as to why Amadeus is so heavily fictionalized, not even told from Mozart’s perspective, and why it’s the best music biopic ever lol. There’s a real fine line between keeping enough of the true story and making an engaging film, and I don’t think that many filmmakers are up to the challenge.

Thanks for sending these asks! I love talking about film and television and the awful awful decisions Hollywood seems intent on making lmao! 💖

[anony-mouse-writer]

“How are you doing?”

- cost of livings increasing

- everyone i know is miserable at their jobs, spanning at least 4 broad range fields (ie, retail/food service of any kind, engineering, and ‘works at computers in a capacity beyond microsoft word/excel’) largely due to managerial or company based incompetence or greed

- planets on fire and it looks like the ppl who have the power to change that dont want to cuz theyre greedy bitches

- theres like three social media platforms that arent teeny tiny and theyre all shit and actively getting worse in ways that are profoundly effecting and blindingly stupid

- multiple fights in the past half decade trying to convince people that my job is not something a computer should have

- the same people who tell me that my work is very good and i should monetize it (i am thanks) think that computer work is either just a fad that will pass soon or the just something i should accept and do not see how these conflicting messages might be frustrating

- theres a globally televised genocide happening and like half the ppl who are supposed to stop that are funding it

- KOSA and other internet censorship laws continue to get closer to passing

- “woke” is increasingly synonymous with “anyone who has basic human decency” according to several major governmentally active political parties

- casual and “just common sense” transphobia is now at an all time high as terfs are told that outright killing trans kids is frowned upon and they should try bullying instead

- food prices are so high but i have to eat

- increased social pressure to shun anyone who isn’t spending all their energy being loudly upset at the above issues and/or dying due to the above issues

- companies have more rights than we do and the government would save them first in a crisis. this is “normal” and “fine” and giving a fuck about it is also “woke liberal shit”

- our best hope for a new shitty fire hazard apartment building going up is that the rich bitches everyone hates for building their houses in ‘thats gonna fall down dumbass’’ zones decide to fight for their ‘view’

- pandemics still happening. they dont even stock masks at stores consistently anymore

- my landlord still hasnt responded to our request to fix the flickering kitchen light we have been told we are Not Allowed to try fixing ourselves

- kids are increasingly fucked over by a system that was already failing and is now failing worse due to covid-related fuck ups

- school districts are pushing to graduate kids on time despite the Actual Fucking Plague these kids had to live thru

- speaking of, kids are apparently largely not taught basic computer literacy because they can just teach apps instead

- or any kind of internet safety oh my god. i have had to personally teach every child ive met for the past two years under the age of 15 to not to tell strangers online their full government legal names. i was on roblox for 30 seconds and watched two separate children half dox themselves

- its february and i kinda miss the sun

“I’m doin’, thanks! Hope spring comes sooner than later tho haha.”

[tweedfrog]

Was Rhaegar hoping for Elia to die giving birth to Aegon? I mean he crowned Lyanna while Elia was still pregnant and before he learned she couldn't have any more children.

I dont think Rhaegar was hoping for Elia to die giving birth for a couple of reasons

1 - He could have just tried killing her in an easier way by making her have a 3rd child and then marrying Lyanna after an appropriate mourning period if thats what he wanted. I cant remember whether it was that the maester said Elia just couldnt have more children (as in couldnt concieve) or whether it was that Elia couldnt have more children safely (as in her and the child would live past the birth). There was quite a gap between when he crowned Lyanna and when he ran off with her and he seems to have run off with her after Aegon was born. This means that he knew Elia possibly wouldnt live past a third pregnancy when he decided to take off with Lyanna. The timeline around Roberts Rebellion is quite fuzzy though so this is hard to piece together. If he ran off with Lyanna before Ageon was born then maybe???

2 - His fixation on the prophecy - the things he is doing with his children (trying to have 3, using the naming scheme of the conquerors, Having Aegon be conceived during the time of the comet etc) stem from a desire to fulfill the prophecy and create the prince that was promised. I know fandom argues about how much him taking off with Lyanna was based on "love" for her vs seeing her as a vessel to bring forth his third child but from his actions during the war we can at least see he isnt actively plotting Elia's death. He kept Elia and Rhaenys and Aegon on dragonstone until Aerys recalled them to KL to use as hostages for Dornish loyalty.

3 - Finally characterisation as a reason he wouldnt do this. In the books Rhaegar isn't portrayed (or thought of by anyone except Robert) as an evil person. Hoping your wife kicks the bucket giving birth to your second kid is Craster level evil and i dont think GRRM set up Rhaegar to be characterized this way. I think he's just selfish/has enough of a messiah complex to simply not care about the way his actions are affecting his first wife. "Of course she'd be happy to be the mother of 2 heroes they're going to save westeros from the long night and shes lucky to be part of that" etc etc.

Also just from an outsiders perspective he seems to be either consciously or subconsciously trying to replicate the original trio of Aegon/Rhaenys/Visenya with himself as Aegon Lyanna as Visenya and Elia as Rhaenys. Snd with his own 3 children as the 3 conquerors. This would require Elia to live and be cast in the role of one of the wives.

Of course the thing is despite not actively hoping for Elia to die his political stupidity and actions cause her death and the deaths of their children anyway. That's one of the things i find so interesting about the situation - hes ostensibly this gentle clever handsome prince who at every turn makes the WORST decision possible.

He probably didnt set out to hurt Elia's feelings during the Tourney of Harrenhal! He probably didn't want to have sex with Elia so soon after her bedrest ended after her 1st pregnancy but you see he has to because the comet is here! He probably wants her on Dragonstone away from his clearly insane father but it's really just easier to leave her in KL and he promises he'll somehow fix all this in some way during an unspecified time during the future!

His moitivations mattered less than the result of his actions because functionally nothing changes if he hoped Elia died. He got her killed anyway. Hes like a bad person but not because hes evil deep down it's because he consistantly makes choices that hurt almost everyone close to him to serve a prophecy. And what makes it even worse is that he seems to realize these are the wrong choices but he goes ahead and makes them anyways because he thinks its for the greater good or its just easier for him personally.

[stellatenuem]

mmm love writing ren post-royal and his character regression and people hitting me with the 'thats ooc for joker though' and im like listen. listen? reverse character development is fun and sexy actually. let them become Worse

and within my ren's canon, a character regression works because ren was raised in an enmeshed family. and toxic familial abuse cycles are magnified by proximity. especially wherein the abuser is unable to see the victim as anything other than an extension of themselves.

an enmeshed victim doesnt act like themselves when under the abusers influence. ren the person takes a backseat to a series of behaviors (healthy or otherwise) he developed while trying to cope with and survive the trauma he went through while living with his parents for 16 whole years. that doesn't just... become resolved even though he was able to grow in tokyo.

if anything, something like that can make it even harder to be put back in that kind of environment. i speak from experience. its such a devastating thing. you live in the dysfunction for so long you dont realize its impact until youve been away from it. you were okay. you felt better and you didnt even realize it until things go back to the way they were before. that moment of mindfulness, of being horribly aware of the before and the after can be so depressing.

environment is everything.

during his year on probation ren started developing emotional equity and forming the closest thing they've had to secure attachments up to that point. ren arrived in tokyo traumatized. he was planning on keeping his head down and staying quiet. he didnt want to make any friends. he didn’t think he could. what would be the point in trying? others would make up their minds about him as soon as they’d find out he was a criminal. they would abandon him, too.

ren didn't trust anyone around him. they decided they would create a personality as cold and distant as they needed to in order to protect themselves. then the universe dropped one Ryuji Sakamoto in front of him and those plans began to fall apart. ryuji, ann, and morgana literally opened ren up to wanting to TRUST people again. that maybe he isn't as damned as he was made to believe.

he grew as a person and found where he belonged. but he isn't free yet. ren's parents do everything they can to erase that person. they still command enough control over ren through their traumabond that re-inspires rens learned fear of them. so ren's trauma brain allows them to slowly pick away at the confidence and sense of self he'd come to find. even if its a betrayal of himself. even if at times he's able to summon the courage of joker put up a fight, its rare for him to see any wins.

ren's parents rule by emotional abuse. fear. and isolation. they go from shaming him heavily for a year with the silent treatment, to scrutinizing and watching his every move. trying to have control over every aspect of him again. where he goes. who he talks to. what he spends money on. how he spends his time. ren begins regressing more and more. and its not only their toxicity that lend to this. even if his parents were healthy and loving, ren still would have struggled deeply because of everything he'd been through over the year he was away.

aside from the horrific trauma he endured at the hands of the police, being toyed with by a malevolent god who erased his friends from existence in front of his eyes, and being betrayed by an adult he trusted in maruki, ren lost goro twice, and in the wake of that loss, was separated from his irl support system.

death and the grief that comes from it transform the life of the person experiencing it. it changes how you interact with your routines, hobbies, relationships, and even yourself. the person that emerges from a grief situation is not the same one who experienced the tragedy it in real time. and rens grief at times is powerful enough to swallow him whole. to impact his functioning as he tries to go about his life.

and every time he falls below his parents standards, tries to establish autonomy, they just punish him more. isolate him more by taking away his phone, his laptop, his only lifelines to his friends. he's going to get worse. hes not going to act like his authentic self. hes going to fall into his worst mindsets and make unhealthy decisions. even someone like ren, who knows full well his parents treat him like shit, at his core, still wishes for their love and approval. its one of the hardest things to reconcile with, even as a adult, that your parents will never be the people you need them to be.

in a way, he's got to grieve over that, too, now that he knows now what unconditional love looks like. (because of his found family and friends) like, this kid was ghosted by their parents for a whole year. after his life as he knew it was completely shattered and he was shipped off to the city to live with a total stranger. ren had been effectively abandoned by them to fend for himself. i cannot begin to comprehend how fucking emotionally damaging that is.

imagine that happening to you and then at the end of your year away, after you've been through so much more hell (most of which you cant tell any normal person about) youre just supposed to??? go back to living in their house with them??? after they did that to you? like. thats fucking sick. and then go back to gaslighting you and acting like they didn't hurt you. and theyre the victims, actually.

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

the counselor i started seeing a little while ago talked w me about how i probably wasnt binging and was just overeating (he suggested to try eating slower so i can tell when im full and dont reach that uncomfortable point) and i havent been able to stop thinking about it (our last session) because he was also saying how im not really a big worry since im not visibly unhealthy (which i mean i agree with but i dont think thats something that was super helpful considering i had just talked about how i fell back into pvrging���🏽‍♂️)

also in previous sessions he was kinda dismissive about the restricting and just kept focusing on the binging and pvrging and it wasnt really talked about until it came up that pvrging has also been happening in the past while id restrict and then he mentioned putting together a list of ed treatment places but i told him how i dont feel like i deserve it since im not really that bad yet/as of right now and he agreed and since im not in any danger of starving anytime soon, i have a lot of time to think about it, which is nice because he isnt pushy but it also makes me feel like i need to get wayy worse again (but i havent !! pvrging is under control for now woop woop !!)

oh he also suggested exercise as a way to change my body by building more muscle but i was too in my head to tell him how im scared to gain weight even if its from muscle aaaarghhh, its far too easy for me to fall into the "exercise is just another way to get smaller" mindset, even if i start off with the best intentions (to get healthier/stornger)

[homophyte]

OKAY plants update: just now i replaced the pebbles in the pebble trays of all the nepenthes except Moe with a whole bunch of marbles i just had, around, for reasons. i cleaned everything nice including the trays themselves and the pebbles will go back where they came from, eventually. what you can also see in this second picture here is the new ventrata pitchers on these babies! im expecting that big one on the left to pop open any day, which is nice. im definitely happy to see those start to accelerate their growth (nice leaf jumps!) so now im just waiting on the gayas to hopefully improve, hopefully.

next up is Moe herself cause theres a few things going on that are all connected, as far as i can tell. i forget if ive said this before but Moie right now has a bunch of basals (four, as far as i can tell-- you can see really well the different stems from left to right in those top two pics) and ive decided this time to just leave them, for two reasons: 1, i dont really have the space or desire to separate them and 2, i kinda wanna see what happens if i leave them? ive heard its possible that basals make more pitchers than the main stem so, well see. there ARE some babies on them--one of which is really big and will probably open soon but whether it will be MORE is...i dunno.

what i DO know is that the resource demands that the basals have--which is a lot, since their leaves are big and getting larger all the time and theyre making pitchers--is draining the main stem. not enough to kill it, mind, im not worried about that but enough that its noticeably not doing as good as it was. for one, the new leaves take much longer to form and when they do theyre smaller, and not only smaller but each new one is seemingly smaller than the last. its just not an energy priority to keep making them and keep making them big. the other thing is this:

which honestly i dont actually know if its related to the basals. this is the newest formed pitcher, the one it made in july, and, like. i dunno this makes me sad. obviously the worse case here is rot, which id have to cut and probably will anyway. im not super worried about it spreading to much of the other plant from this but it would be for certain a bad sign. what i think this more likely is is just..natural pitcher aging and death. they brown and dry from the tips down. the only confusing thing is that this is the YOUNGEST pitcher or, like, the one youd expect to die LAST. i dunno what thats about but my suspicion is that because the basals are being very energy demanding right now and probably will continue to be, the plant is diverting energy away from keeping its other newest growth in tip top shape, so you get smaller new leaves and the newest pitcher dying. i dont know that for sure, but ill be keeping an eye out to tell as closely as i can, cause this definitely just...feels bad.

next steps are basically winter prep! i have artificial lights to supplement daylight for all the neps, i know i can maintain humidity, i have a plan for the sarracenias dormancy. i wanna give basically everything some nice big meals before Bugs become a bit scarcer in the winter--im considering purchasing those fish food things people feed to pitchers even but i dunno how necessary that really is..whats left is two main things.

1 is repotting the sarracenia because Holy Moly did it get big fast. it keeps making new pitchers and theyre SO huge they just crowd each other like crazy and get deformed, but even with repotting i dunno how much of that i can change. probably the best for that is separating it from the rhizome but i also kinda dont want to do that? it just looks nice all full like this--and also it would be something to do at the end of dormancy, in the spring, definitely not now. i should also do this like....frankly asap. november is about when ill need to move it to its dormancy spot and thats not that far off! i want to give it some time to adjust to the larger pot size before, and if i wait too long ill have to do it after dormancy which like, i could do and it would be fine but honestly id just feel bad about having put it off. spring is the best time to make big changes for a reason but just upsizing the pot in a soft repot isnt actually big enough to justify waiting the same way separating the rhizome would be, for example.

2 is to change Moes set up. so like. i like Moes set up and from how well its thriving i think it does too but the fact of the matter is uhhh shes BIG. quickly becoming too big for the hanging pot its in now. i would not be surprised if she reaches my ceiling in another few months if i dont move her. the hanging basket is rn serving the dual purpose of supporting the vine--it would not be able to stand so well on its own and especially with how large it is its heavy enough to probably break under its own weight. so the plan is to make a moss pole with a pole my mom found and the moss i bought recently, and attach it to that instead. then i can take it out of the basket and put it on this lovely little plant stand i found instead! that will go basically in the same spot on the desk as the other plants are now. as much as i like the hanging look its not long term practical and really prevents me from moving or uhhh doing much of anything with Moe! its very hard to water and mist her cause i have to basically stand on top of the desk to reach and is basically in a lot of ways Pretty but not Optimal. with it NOT hanging ill be able to make changes and check stuff way more readily.

[stickandpokestar]

we can hold hands, you know? they won’t be looking at you strangely. There’s an angel in my window & It’s watching & It’s judging & It’s yelling me I will die soon. The angel is of my own making. If I killed myself would people know it was you? would you watch the funeral go by, laughing at all the mourners (if there were any) knowing they did not know as I was? I think I have felt guilty since I heard what It was. There’s no need for me to be. I think that’s a lie. My thoughts come racing faster than I could ever put them down leaving me with too many fragments of words (that might have meant something to me) that no one can make sense of? do I make sense to you? This is a confession of the worse type, the disjointed, ugly, & half lies, type. There’s a void in my chest now. Its killed my heart, lungs, brain, & stomach & I hope it kills me next. It makes me want to claw my skin off of my face & burn myself to ash. do you get what I am saying? Sometimes you seen like you dont want to be seen with me. I dont blame you. Im not sure how you put up with this shit anymore. I hate you so much sometimes I think I might like to kill you myself. you dont drink as much anymore. was he the only reason you did? I hope you choke in your own vomit. This is nothing more than shitty words written by a strange person. Id like to say Im not that different than you, but we both know thats wrong. Where you’re all they always & never want, you know how to become what they want. I want to do that. I dont want to be this person. I am trapped within a body that is both too large & too small. I dont know what to do anymore. I want to be like you. I want to be what you are. what about me is so terrible that I cannot have what you do?what about me is so changed that people dont see me? The only time I think Im alive is when people are watching & I need them to tell me im good Im nothing but an accident in motion, unable & unwilling to stop. will you see me in the wreckage, burnt beyond recognition? I refuse to be photographed again, to have i horrible clarity what I both am & not. to see the wretched skin I am in. I constantly think of the razor in my bedside table & wonder If that is what is it takes to be away from this. I hate seeing myself in others seeing parts of me I hate in ones I hate more & seeing how I stole the only parts of myself I like from those I love. I am nothing more than a stranger in a crowd that thinks they know me. I will gradually become obsessed with anything or anyone I can get my hands on. I go days upon days starving myself of sleep hoping that is what it takes but I will never even feel it. If I gave you the gun would you use it? Put a bullet in place of brain? would it count as a mercy? I am never escaping here. as much as i can dream the only was out is 1500 feet down. I concieve every plan to leave yet I will never take them. They will only sit inside my mind as it rots. Body laying, all decaying into one horrible mess. Maybe this is all for attention, a surefire way to have all eyes on me. will you be watching too? seeing the downward spiral into condolences & complaints? pity about how “my life was cut too short”, you know? I dont think this life has been too short. It feels like I have lived far too many & hated every one. I cannot connect myself to that of my past. The me to past is not connected to the me of now & I would kill him with my bare hands if asked. would you ask? would you tell me to kill who I was for you? I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant you noticed who I am now. My words are nothing more than that of the kid’s down the block. You know him? if course you do. Everyone does. You just ignore him & look the other way until it becomes a “shame” & “you cant understand why”. I think I will hate myself for writing this.