#and i do not have the option anymore
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I kinda regret not doing the whole college experience and like living in a dorm n stuff. I think if i was able to get over my anxiety i would have really enjoyed it
#but i was not in the right mindset for it until now#and i do not have the option anymore#too old#too poor#plus where would my cats go?#i do wish i had more encouragement and help for schooling as a teen to apply for scholarships and like do better in school#my parents did what they could for a critically depressed teen#which was ground me#instead of saying#oh hey my teenager is a little weird maybe we should bring her to a doctor?#now THAT would have helped#instead i got told i was fine and nothing was wrong with me and i had nothing to be stressed about uwu#i mourn my late teens/early twenties#so much lost to bad mental health and having no one who would take me seriously enough to help me#i had to dig out of the hole myself#oh but the ground is still fragile!#lmao
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Being someone who read Under The Red Hood and came out with the firm belief that, for Jason, it's not about killing Joker, it's about Jason wanting proof Batman would choose him over the Joker (bc shelia chose the joker). Makes seeing any other media where it's all about just wanting the Joker dead is a teeny bit frustrating. to be honest
Jason could've killed the Joker himself, really, really easily. Jason kidnaps the Joker before the confrontation. I can't open my comic for a reference right now, but it felt like he had the Joker for quite a bit before the confrontation. He had him. He beat him up with a crowbar. He had every single opportunity to kill the Joker himself, but he didn't because that wasn't his goal. Make no mistake, he did plan for the Joker to be dead by the end of it, but do you see what im trying to say here
Edit: If I knew this post was gonna get 1000+ notes I would've tried to word it better or something, this was a rant I made on the way to the grocery store 😭
It's not about making Batman kill either. When Batman says he won't kill, Jason adjusts and goes, 'Let ME kill the Joker or kill me to stop me' instead. The test is all about Batman choosing him. The whole final confrontation is Jason's first death again. The parent, The Joker, and the explosives. It even ends with Jason unable to move as a bomb goes off right next to him again because the parent didn't choose Jason. And instead tried finding an option that'd benefit them and (consequencely) letting the Joker walk, again, lol, lmao <-in agony
#the final confrontation was basically his first death again#and YES he Does want the Joker dead#and it would've been really really nice if Batman was the one who did it#but when batman made it clear he wouldn't kill the joker. Jason easily switched to saying “LET me kill the joker” to accommodate#because he Wanted batman to pass his test#he gave a test to dick too. and technically tim but it wasnt the family test it was a different one so it doesnt rly count#AFTER utrh and the reveal and the batarang you can go hog wild about it. i care less about it then#granted i do believe they make jason more scared of the joker after it at some point#i guess because hes a bit too willing to kill the joker and ive heard jason wasnt meant to live after utrh#my watsonian explain for that is he was so fixated on his plan he cpuld override his fear. or maybe the pit. either work#i prefer the fixation bc i dont like the explanation that the pit was the /only/ reason he could get all plan together and done#BUT THATS UNRELATED!!!#dc stop putting the joker in jason stories im begging you please please please. lock him in a vault for the next 20 years or something#it Cpuld be good and i understand. but also. after so long of people that dont know or go for jasons need for family and parents#that love him and he can trust#the joker starts to feel like?? hm. words. a cop out? oh haha its that guy that killed him woagh hes here#i bet you dont even know that jaybin got beat until unconsciousness by an angry mob#while asking batman to save him only for batman to have to walk away#anwya. where was i going with this#i think i got off topic#jason todd#dc comics#batman#ADDED AN EDIT. SORRY. this post has been haunting me it keeps me awake. what if people misunderstand#they cant read my tags where i ramble more depth. thisbis the only option#EDIT EDIT: hiii#removed the sentence abt jason having the joker for several days bc i misremembered some things#go read its-your-mind 's addition instead also#ok no more i wont edit this post anymore i promise
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So I've said multipe times now (here and here) that thinking nmj is just so blinded by privilege he doesn't undertand that acting out of line gets people killed is, in my opinion, a misunderstanding of his character that ignores the part where he's, you know, actively dying the whole time and thinks that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean I don't think privilege plays no role at all in how he views the world.
Specifically, his view that death (at least premature or violent death) means something.
Death isn't always a tragedy to NMJ, but it is always meaningful. If you kill an evil dangerous person for your righteous cause, that death had meaning. There was evil in the world and now there is less of it. Similarly, if you die in the pursuit of your righteous cause, that death has meaning, because the sheer dedication you gave to it that you were willing to die for it will further that cause, and your bretheren will be invigorated by your sacrifice to fight even harder.
If a death isn't meaningful, that's an injustice and it is up to the living to give it meaning. That's what cuts so deep about his father's murder. There were no consequences, no changes, no meaning. Wen Ruohan was just going to get away with it! He fights and wins an entire war to make it mean something, to make it so that the unjust murder of Nie Mingjue's father is part of Wen Ruohan's downfall.
But this is a view he can only hold because he's the kind of person who's death will be meaningful. Most ordinary people's deaths are meaningless. Not ontologically, not inherently, but they are made meaningless because no one cares. For death to be meaningful you either have to be so powerful that anything you risk your life for will be impacted in some way. (Like, say, if you sacrifice a long life for immense martial power in a faustian bargain with a blade) Or if people with that kind of power care enough about you to do so for you. For most people, this isn't true. A starving street kid has no power to change the unfair world that put them there, even if they risk their life trying, and no one will do it for them once they die.
Nie Mingjue knows this in abstract, and of course rightfully believes it's wrong. But all that does is make it yet another righteous cause people should be willing to die for. Everyone's deaths should mean something, we'll make it so or die trying!
This is what the conflict between nieyao is about at its core. Because Jin Guangyao, fundamentally, cannot conceive of his own death as meaningful. Nie Mingjue grew up around powerful men who could change the world but refuse to do so because god forbid they risk a single hair on their perfect heads. Meng Yao, on the other hand, grew up in an environment where no one of importance would blink twice if you died. He was surrounded by meaningless death. Indeed his entire early life is defined by that lack of care.
Meng Shi dies and no one cares. Meng Yao gets thrown off a flight off stairs and no one cares. He has to be the one to do the caring, and once he's gone no one else will do it for him.
So he has to live.
Jin Guangyao eventually gets far enough that he actually does aquire the power to change some things... as long as he's alive. If he changes too much, holds on too tightly to his ideals, he'll die and it'll all be for nothing. He can't sacrifice himself for his goals because doing so would immediately render those goals unobtainable. No one will care about what he tried to do. He won't be a heroic sacrifice, he'll just be trash that finally cleaned itself up.
And well... Nie Mingjue dies, and someone makes it mean something. Makes it mean so much that the entire story of mdzs would not exist without it. Jin Guangyao dies and it doesn't mean anything. Most people are glad to be rid of him, and the few that are not don't do anything to change that.
#mdzs#mdzs meta#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#meng yao#nieyao#of course the inherent tragedy is that nmj is totally THE guy to ask if you want your death to mean something#nmj's reaction the the fact that most ppl's deaths are meaningless is to go: yes and I should change this.#If everyone thought like me this wouldn't happen anymore I simply need to get EVEN MORE HARDCORE about justice to MAKE them care#and this quality- which makes him the one person perhaps capable of making jgy's death mean something- also makes him a threat to his life#so jgy kills him because he needs to live. And then his beliefs about the meaninglessness of his own death are doomed to be true#what else was he supposed to do? just die and TRUST that someone would make it mean something?#like his mother trusted that his father would come back for them?#of course he can't do that.#just like how nmj's upbringing means that by the stairs he can't see how jgy- son of a sect leader and extremely capable-#is any different from the men who wrung their hands and told him that wen ruohan is just *too powerful* they can't do anything about him.#(*guy who killed wrh and wil go on to kill jgs voice* i just can't do anything about my dad being evil)#if jgy had agreed to risk his life and asked nmj to make it mean something if he died nmj would have said yes.#which is why he can't understand jgy wouldn't just ASK that.#jgy meanwhile has not been informed that was a fucking option and if he was wouldnt be able to trust that it'd actually happen.#for reasons outlined above#ahhh tragedy and inability of characters to understand each other i love you
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Hello hello, after the poll results I got around to working out a time, date, and location that I felt would work! Yes the name is just a pun on afternoon tea because I want this to be a very chill thing, so get yourself a cup of tea (or other drink of choice <3), a little snack, and settle in for some doodling.
This is all about seeing what you can get done during the party itself! Maybe it's just some silly doodles or maybe you wanna work on some bigger pieces, whatever you feel like doing!
I'll most likely be using this as a way to try and learn how to draw things other than just headshots!
The time is in GMT!! So please do check what time it will be for you!
Some more details below the cut!
The party will be here, directly north of the Applenook Hamlet waypoint! It should be safe from any events or hostile mobs so people can fully relax!
This one doesn't have a theme, but if people enjoy this enough I might do more in future with some casual themes! They wouldn't be mandatory but might help you pick a character to bring.
The squad will have two groups to it! Subgroup 2 will be for anyone who wants to draw but doesn't want to be drawn, just to help make things clear.
I'll try and get the squad up a little ahead of time and it should be /sqjoin Damai Vespati but if anything changes I will make sure to be vocal and make posts about it!
If you feel like posting anything that you do, please either tag me or use the tag #artfternoontea so I can see and appreciate your lovely art <3
Shout out to the hosts of the ongoing art parties, those were very fun to get to experience and I know a lot of people love them!
I'll be hosting these every so often for people like myself who deal with chronic health and fatigue issues, or for people that just don't enjoy the more hectic atmosphere.
I hope to see you there <3
#artfternoontea#the chunk speaks#i can't really do evenings anymore so i've just decided sure why not a chill afternoon#trying to give myself the options of doing things even with my health fighting me#you might be thinking ''mark didn't 4-8 win?''#it did and i am choosing to ignore it sorry#means i still have plany of time to make dinner for myself
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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I haven't felt very motivated to draw lately (what chronic fatigue does to a guy 😔) but I have cracked open my sketchbook a few times. Mostly to doodle TBC.
#I don't draw on paper much anymore tbh#bc now that i have the option to fully line and color things digitally if I'm gonna spend time on art I'd rather go all the way#but i probably should get back into the habit. it's relaxing sometimes to draw something without fussing over it#also i drew blackstar recently while bored during my break at work and tried to redraw him digitally later and it just doesn't look as good#it really is easier to get things the exact shape you want during the sketching phase#which is why i want to make my digital art a little more relaxed and lean into sketches for lineart#but it just never works? idk#I don't feel like I really have the mind or eye for art sometimes. idk how to explain it#I don't really know how to experiment with my style or make changes? how do people learn that#anyway I'm rambling#i really enjoy drawing but I'm pretty art blocked recently bc I'm so tired all the time and kinda feel like? idk how to draw? dunno#my art#shadowsight#bristlefrost#rootspring#snowtuft#lionblaze
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I am I WAS a watcher patreon and I just got the email saying they're changing their teirs??? And now all the incentives are for their podcast????
Bro bye
#smh#what are they doing#the gag is i was i think on their 10 dollar teir#NOT ANYMORE#they won't even have that option anymore by tomorrow#plus the teirs are RAISED#a 5 dollar teir TWENTY DOLLAR TEIR AND A 100 DOLLAR ONE#bitch who is gonna give that much money monthly AND pay 6 bucks for ur streaming#idk what they're doing#watcher#watcher entertainment
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walter white from breaking bad
Walter Hartwell White (Breaking Bad) is an Anime Girl!
#my name is walter hartwell white. i live at 308 negra arroyo lane albuquerque new mexico 87104. this is my confession. if youre watching thi#s tape im probably dead. murdered by my brother in law hank schrader. hank has been building a meth empire for over a year and using me as#is chemist. shortly after my 50th birthday hank came to me with a rather shocking proposition. he asked that i use my chemistry knowledge t#cook methamphetamine which he would then sell using his connections in the drug world. connections that he made through his career with the#DEA. i was... astounded. i always thought that hank was a very moral man and i was thrown. confused. but i was also particularily vulner#able at the time. something he knew and took advantage of. i was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. han#took me on a ride along and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. and i was weak. i didnt want my family to#go into financial ruin so i agreed. every day i think back at that moment with regret. i quickly realized that i was in way over my head an#hank had a partner. a man named gustavo fring. a business man. hank essentially sold me into servitude to this man and when i tried to quit#fring threatened my family. i didnt know where to turn. eventually hank and fring had a falling out. from what i can gather hank was always#pushing for a greater share of the business to which fring flatly refused to give him and things escalated. fring was able to arrange uh i#uess you could call it a hit. on my brother in law. and failed but hank was seriously injured. and i ended up paying his medical bills whic#amounted to a little over 177000. upon recovery hank was bent on revenge working with a man named hector salamanca. he plotted to kill frin#and did so. in fact the bomb that he used was built by me and he gave me no option in it. i have often contemplated suicide but i am a cowa#d. i wanted to go to the police but i was frightened. hank had risen in the ranks to become head of the DEA and about that time to keep me#n line he took my children. for 3 months he kept them.my wife who up until that point had no idea of my criminal activities was horrified t#learn what i had done. why hank had taken our children. we were scared. i was in hell i hated myself for what i had brought upon my family.#recently i tried once again to quit to end this nightmare and in response he gave me this. i cant take this anymore. i live in fear every#ay that hank will kill me or worse hurt my family. i... all i could think to do was make this video in hope that the world will finally see#this man for what he really is.#breaking bad#walter white#your fave is an anime girl#your fave is#hall of fame
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thoughts on thistle and yaad's dynamic that i vomited in the tags of another post but will now try to articulate here: they're not actually family, or at least they shouldn't be. not in a conventional sense anyway. framing them as uncle and nephew (even in a non-literal, silly fantasy world way) rides more on technicality than anything concrete.
what i mean by this is yaad calls thistle by name and says he and delgal were raised "like" brothers. he talks about thistle like he's an outsider imposing himself into the melinis' space, and it's clear that thistle was never legitimized as a member of the family. for thistle's part, though we don't know how he would treat yaad pre-demon brainrot, it's safe to assume based on the way he punishes him—turning him into a doll—and how little is shown in the way of any sort of relationship between them that thistle only cares* about yaad as an extension of delgal (otherwise i'd expect something like kabru and milsiril, because it's not like another complicated interspecies family dynamic would be out of place, yet there's next to nothing on them even in bonus content, just their scant interactions in the main story).
in essence, they're strangers to one another. thistle's desperation to preserve the illusion of a family, a model where he doesn't even fit, was the snare they were caught in for the past thousand years of stasis. yaad-as-nephew is a prop to uphold that illusion, and thistle is playing a role he's unfit to play. in the context of post-canon interactions, attempting to reconstruct that facade would only be a reenactment of trauma for them both (in a deeply compelling way i'd love to watch unfold, tbh), as that "uncle and nephew" framing places thistle in an implicit position of power over someone he's already traumatized through misuse of authority in the past, a role which also perpetuates his adultification and yaad's infantilization in turn. it'd mostly be an obstacle to any real connection.
best to burn the melini family bridge, i think, and if there's still anything salvageable left in the rubble, let something different supplant it.
#not to say i don't enjoy when they're portrayed as a weird set of uncle and nephew - that's really fun too#i think their history and shared connection to delgal would be a key element to their dynamic no matter what#and it's something they would tryyyy to make work at some point. for lack of other options.#it's not smn i take too seriously either! but thinking about it for more than 2 minutes makes me go oh yikes#i do think they could be family - i'm a certified sucker and sap so i want them to be - but#growth means moving past that more conventional way of thinking of family#side note as someone with a large extended family i DO have uncles who are younger than me lmao#but i'm viewing the whole uncle + nephew thing with thistle and yaad more symbolically for the purposes of this#additional note the fantasy age-fuckery and power dynamics at play means thistle has been in an actual position of authority#over his younger family members like any older relative would be in spite of his being quite young and immature#so. no. don't try to be his uncle anymore. and he isn't your nephew. and oh god he isn't your dead brother let it go. stop with the labels#don't try to resurrect that corpse (< writing them trying to resurrect that corpse as we speak)#not sure if these tags are coherent pero basta lang. yaad and thistle stay complicated forever that's all i want#feel free to chime in or disagree as i'd like to crack into this like crispy lechon and my opinions are subject to change#roomba media#thistle#yaad#thistle & yaad#melinis#dunmeshi#dunmeshiposting#dunmeshi spoilers#thistle dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#edit: changed some inaccurate wording in this one whew. english
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i can't hang out with the haunted eye
though i don't know why
#myart#animorphs#crayak#got carried away with this while i was customizing the webpage for this sideblog#im learning css btw. soon this blog will be so cool you wont even know its tumblr anymore#i'm torn between making it andalite tech-themed or crayak-themed to keep in tandem with the username#what do U guys Thank....#theres also the secret third option of making it chee/pemalite themed which i also have a pinterest board for :3c
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So if Ao3 gets banned, our choices are
Quotev.com (I’d rather not)
Wattpad (I’d rather not)
And Fanfic.net (I’d rather not)
#mel.txt#fanfiction#fanfic#ao3#Quotev#Wattpad#fanfic.net#does anyone even use those anymore#politics#I doubt that will be the case#but we do have options#shitty options but options
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it just occurred to me that i can "casually" learn french and japanese over the winter sem since i'll have the "time." juuusst one of the many many many things i've been putting off but want to do... i wonder if that's spreading myself too thin... my novelty-seeking brain wants to hear different sounds. in different contexts. it's probably a sign i need to get out more but that's besides the point 😂 what do i dooooo there's too many thingssss
#studyblr#self study#langblr#*maybe*#indecision#also idk if i can learn anything ''casually'' anymore#like i want to *feel* like i'm making significant progress!#or else why am i doing this!!!#it's not enough to just satisfy the novelty seeking...#gggaaahhhh#AND i don't want to always be plugged in listening to ''comprehensible input'' when not studying or working#bc for better or for worse i'm not like my sister lol#so...that limits my options...#probably overthinking this#maybe maybe maybe the french will come back to me faster than i think it will#i just have doubts bc the last time i got farther than ever was through cramming lol#chaotic academia#dark academia#french#japanese#learning french#learning japanese
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The Robin's Landfill Event or Banned-for-Horny mass destruct, one of the Robin's Non-con Events Screencaps series, was a turning point for the Degrees of Lewdity fandom... (qicipedia)
Featured @banned-for-horny and many of the fallen PCs
#idk what I am doing anymore#Also I won't be posting art in maybe 3 or 4 days#I successfully applied into an advanced art class and their loads of specialized knowledges and homeworks are INSANE#Just the first lesson and I already knew I WILL have a hard time ahead if not to say quitting now is the best option...#but#well#wish me luck#dol pc#dollya art#degrees of lewdity#dol
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people mostly talk about splitting as literally all-or-nothing--"I love you" or "I hate you"--but I personally experience an in-between point sometimes.
I don't know what I'd call it other than "thin-ice devaluation" or something along those lines.
like, yes I devalued you recently and I realize now that I was being irrational, BUT if you say something even slightly suspicious, hurtful, or incorrect, I'm going to assume that you're evil and/or useless again much faster than I would have before.
#narcissistic personality disorder#npd#actually narcissistic#actually npd#I'm sure this is relatable to other splitters but I don't want to clog up the tags of PDs I don't have so I'll just tag ->#cluster b#(not that only cluster B diagnoses involve splitting but. it's a bigger issue than it is in clusters A or C on average)#anyway I just text My cousin about the fortnite/miku collab and she replied 'I didn't know they SUPPOSEDLY confirmed it'#and I was thinking. what the fuck? supposedly?? are you accusing Me of being unreliable??? a liar and/or nitwit????#then she said 'I'm not really into miku anymore.' great (sarcastic). the one thing we had in common is out the window#is that all you think of Me? THEN she said that I can ask her for help if I join fortnite#and now it's like she's saying I'm too incompetent to learn on My own. fuck off!!#and I wouldn't have taken any of this so personally if I weren't JUST coming out of a devaluation episode#she used to be My equal/safe person so I would have been like 'oh she's so kind to offer Me assistance' but not right now. I'm delicate RN#so anyway I DO NOT want to talk to her anymore BUT I have to power through it. sigh. I haven't spoken to her in almost a month#so I'll just feign gratitude. I'd hate to burn bridges after all. gotta keep My options open
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Hey little gay people in my phone, can you wish me good luck for tomorrow?
#thank you#i really do need it#like#i know that he wouldn't call me over and make me commute just to tell me he doesn't want to deal with me anymore#especially because I have another meeting scheduled in a week#but my anxiety is going crazy and I've not been able to sleep on top of that#i just need someone to tell me that#Like#i see the logic option here#but my brain won't care about it#Also#even if he told me that we need to change something it wouldn't be the end of the world#i know that#but I'm still afraid of crashing my car on the way back if not#help#You know what#he's probably going to tell me that everything I did is shitty#and still it wouldn't be the end of the world#but it would be so much work#and i'm so tired#so so so tired#But then i could also fight back#and just beg at this point#who cares#I just want to be done#to be done before my grandpa gets too old#I'm going to throw up
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The true Girl, so Confusing duo of Ever After High. Somebody please talk to me about these two their dynamic has been rotting my brain for weeks.
#raven queen#briar beauty#ever after high#eah#eah edit#LIKE????#the way they go from being less than acquaintances to briar disliking raven for what she did on legacy day#not even because of what she did to her but of what she did to apple#to her slowly questioning her own destiny and raven dismissing her worries because she thinks she's just a party girl#to briar apologizing to raven after she lives through her destiny because she finally sees that they both have it badly!!#the system is hurting everyone!!!!#and as much as apple and raven are reflections of each other i rlly do think briar and raven#are the true mirrors because they were both raised for a terrible destiny by mothers who weren't as present#as they should have been and pushed down their doubts about that destiny bc they thought there were no other options#and then got shown a way out#briar was just raised to be a heroine in her story while raven was a villain#and the way apple plays into their dynamic!!!#the way all she wants is ravens attention and briar is happy to help her until raven starts causing apple distress#and she shoves down her own wants bc it's what she's been doing her whole life anyway#but she can't pretend anymore!! and it's raven's fault and she's losing her best friend and everything is boiling over!!!!!#and apple finally comes around bc of raven!!! even tho raven has done nothing but fight her on it!!!!!#while briar did everything for apple and apple barely ever tried to see her point of view!!!!!#i'm fucking losing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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