#and i didnt even go into how mentally ill he is which is a whole other topic

[houliburns]

there are very few characters i'd say this about, i like a lot of shitty little guys but i'm always critical of them and am happy to hold them accountable for their bullshit (and mentally beat them with a stick), but i'm legitimately a frank burns apologist. he's literally so emotionally immature and he's got a child-like understanding of so many things, i don't think he's put any thought whatsoever into the bullshit he says, he doesn't even notice that his opinions piss people off so it's not even like he's intentionally being a piece of shit for attention - he legitimately doesn't seem to know better, he's operating entirely on ignorance and gullibility.

frank's a character who's desperate to do what he's been told he's supposed to do, and what a person's feels they're 'supposed' to do is entirely dependent on what they've been taught is right. sometimes we develop different morals, independent of what our childhoods taught us, but a lot of the time, we really internalize values we were taught as kids. i'm sure hawkeye's father is the one who taught him that freedom, individuality, authenticity, empathy, and humanity are crucial, and that influenced hawkeye's need to do what's right when it comes to making sure people don't get mistreated or exploited. frank, on the other hand, was taught the exact opposite, not unlike margaret - individuality and freedom aren't important; you fall in line, and you do your duty. for frank, that's marrying a woman he doesn't like, having three kids he doesn't seem to really care for, becoming a doctor even though he didn't want to.

we can see what frank genuinely does value / want in the two things he actually consistently seems passionate about; margaret (his only friend; someone who bolsters him, enables him, is typically on the same page as him, seems to accept him, treats him kindly for once), and money - and i see frank's greed as less about wanting more, more, more, and more about security, about the status symbols and the fact that when he has them, that means he's done well, that he's doing what he's supposed to do, that he's a success in the eyes of the traditional world he's been brought up in. that's why he brags about owning his own practice, why he brags about his 30,000 dollar house and two cars (or was it a 30,000 dollar car and two houses?), why (iirc) he brings up being a member of a country club - these are things he's been told he should covet, things he's been told are a point of pride, but they don't actually make him happy in any way. but he values money because it lets him have these things, and then he can exist safely in his repressed, deluded little bubble where it's enough.

and it's why he won't let his wife go; we know frank had a rough childhood, we know he does deal with insecurity on the very very rare occasion he lets himself reflect on anything. i don't think it's a stretch to say that on some level, frank feels defective. people don't like him and he doesn't seem to know why, his parents and his brother didn't really like him and he doesn't know why, his wife and kids don't seem to like him and he doesn't know why. as i said, frank's pretty repressed and deluded, but he does have a few vulnerable moments that show he's aware of this, and it bugs him. he wants to fit in. he wants to be liked. he does fit in, on a surface level, back home in indiana, amongst the other conservative morons he associates with. nobody really likes him there either, but he's got everything everyone else has (or better!), which renders him acceptable, respectable, which is what he's been told the goal is. and then he can pretend that's enough, because it's easier to be accepted than it is to be liked, and he knows the steps to win acceptance (at least with that crowd), but the secret to being liked, to forming connections, eludes him. he really doesn't know what he's doing wrong there. which, i read frank as autistic and i get that, and i feel for him on it, i really do. it's so alienating to feel like you're just missing something everyone else seems to have come built with.

i didn't finish my thought; he can't let his wife go even though he's unhappy with her because it'd unravel his security. it'd ruin that illusion of "i've made it, i've got a wife and kids and a great job like i'm supposed to, therefore i'm not defective!" he'd lose the identity of being a husband like he thinks a proper 1950s man should be, he'd lose the financial security of being middle-upper class. he'd become several things he's been taught to look down upon, things that would make him Bad, that would affirm that he's defective.

and you know what? all of this is why hawkeye bothers him so much. hawkeye's free from all the shackles frank's willingly entrapped himself in. he's unmarried, he's eccentric and fairly openly neurodivergent in his behavior, he loudly and obnoxiously plays freely with sexuality and gender. these are all things frank's been told are bad, and evil, and worse, they're things that exist inside frank that he's terrified of. frank's canonically queer, people don't like to acknowledge it because they hate him, but hating a queer character doesn't make them any less gay kjdfhdk. and the show plays with gender with him a bit, too. and he's threatened by hawkeye, hell, and by klinger too. when he's back home, he doesn't have to associate with people like them, so it's a distant concept, such deviancy, and he can try to forget the parts of himself that he can't seem to temper, no matter how wrong he's been told they are. but when it's right in front of him, it's that terrifying reminder.

and worse - they're happier than he is. i mean, they're still at war, they're not that happy, but they're free in themselves, they have fun, they get to experience joy because they let themselves, because they haven't been taught that doing your duty as an American Man is of the utmost importance and that there's very rigid guidelines to that and having any fun outside of that is unacceptable and wrong. and i think on some level he does envy that.

idek what i'm babbling about anymore, but yeah, i just find it hard to hold frank responsible. i think he's a victim of middle america. i think he simply had the misfortune of being a queer autistic man born into that world, into a world that wasn't built for people like him, that inherently sees him as lesser, and he's so overcompensatory in his behavior to prove that he can do it, that he can be what he's supposed to be. his political values are because he's desperate for rules, guidelines, and a sense of order in what he perceives as a hostile world that he's not equipped to deal with, let alone thrive in, because he's also well aware he's not the strong masculine figure he ought to be, and he's merely doing a bad impersonation of one. that's frank in general, really; he's so desperately trying to fit into a mold that simply doesn't match his shape. i think if he escaped all that, it'd be a good start in him being better all around. of course, his political alignment isn't his only problem, he's got a lot of other shit going on, but it's the main thing i see him condemned for. he's also toxic as hell, and i think that environment only enables him.

within the show, i don't think redeeming frank would've been a good idea and i'm glad they didn't (although i also have a lot of issues with the way his arc ended and the way he was written in s5 in general but i digress) - but i don't think it'd be impossible. i don't even think it'd be hard. he just needs to be told that it's okay to be an individual, that he doesn't have to keep trying to fit himself into a pre-existing mold that wasn't built for him when he can simply build one for himself that he actually fits and is happy in. and that's why he's just pathetic and tragic to me, rather than genuinely unlikeable; he doesn't even know what he likes, what would make him happy. he doesn't even have a sense of self. it's just sad, and i can't hate him for it.

[strwbrymlkshake]

LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND

[cconfusedkat]

For another few decent weeks, I had been thinking abt Wilt's bishops,, and how I wanted them to look. Soooo over the past week, as well as pmv planning, I came up with a few things for the rest of the four :>ccc

This would be pre-betrayal, way before Wilt killed their siblings rather than,, just injuring them! No good deed! Ouch

Wilt had slowly become a spider everyone learned to fear by instinct. They had more members in their war cult compared to the other four—speeeaaaaking of cults, the only cult that didn't exist in Goat's world is the death cult! Instead, the purple crown of wisdom was given to Thanatos (a.k.a Narinder , puprinder if you will :>c for months i wanted to make a german spitz lol-)

Nowwww obligatory warning image ；

Hi! Hi. We good. Are we good now. Are you still okay with suicide and graphic death details . Let's continue 🎊

Their deaths were erased off the og two images up- but yeah, instead of leaving the four with injuries, they went with the full kill option,,, attempting to prove their worth as a god of war? Which? They SHOULDNT have since being a god AND monarch was already plentiful for them???? But hey i guess thats just how mental illness operates and passes down onto you

Ive yet to draw a proper thing for how thanatos. like. Laid there on his wooden bed with a carved skull. That was when i kept him as a cat but i changed my mind two days ago, and, well, here we are- hes a dog now-

Im about 50 seconds into the pmv so i dont have All the things i want to share from my brain! However without spoiling too much-

Wilt clearly did regret murdering their siblings after a while in Purgatory. This isnt them in Purgatory to clarify, as purgatory is a bright & neon orange and full of clouds,, plus we're missing the chain in the head if thats the case ^v^;;

Thanatos was the last planned one to die. Wilt was angry at how long he hid from them, and thanatos ... thanatos didnt know what else to do , especially considering he had a status to mantain and it was rather foolish of him to continue hiding.

Hours before Wilt would arrive to Thanato's palace, thanatos told his guards about framing wilt for murder. The guards looked at him like a crazed man (which, to be fair, he had a right to be going crazy cuz his siblings werent just dead but the other important gods were dying alongside,, he didnt wanna die under the wrath of the god of war. That'd make him look even more foolish than he already saw himself as)

Wilt busted down Thanato's door in his bedroom. Every other room in the palace of his was empty. They opened the curtains to only find his body laying flat—diagonally—on the wooden bed, his bishop clothes still on with a carved off head. His whole skull was visible and still had some blood left on the sockets and bone.

^ Forgot to mention, Wilt wasn't just freaked out at Thanato's still body on the bed. They freaked out because his "ichor" was red. Gods had black, blue, or golden ichor: mortals had just red blood. Wilt realized Thanatos felt every single second of pain from his own suicide.

Causing a panic response in Wilt as planned, they fell to their knees only crying more ichor,, Thanato's guards captured Wilt. It wasn't likely of them to go down without a fight. Areem, one of Thanto's main guards, knew this about Wilt; he prepared a step further, secretly being all the way on the top of the bed, plunging his sword into Wilt's head to go down through their whole body

UMMM. SO. That was what sent Wilt to Purgatory, can also be be referred to as The Above- Areem was the one to then guard Wilt usually in Purgatory. He gave them a change of robes, just not the ones they Actually wanted (the dark gray-purple robes with the gray-purple shall) WHIIIICH EXPLAINS THIS IMAGE FROM OCTOBER

Currently not too sure on what else to mention about these bishops! I did switch the evil's around, though :o) another little fact about Wilt is that their other four legs were cut off so that's why in Purgatory + Follower form they have two legs rather than their original spider form pre-betrayal.

I do wanna add that their actions are inexcusable so ,, even as a follower in goat's cult they're still like. Pretty rude and blunt. Sometimes it's on purpose, but lesser times its not on purpose. I like to believe they grew desensitized to death over time as well as lacking empathy due to social isolation for three millenia, so that explains their behavior much better rather than excusing it? They are the villain of their own history so- lmao-

The goat genocide happened simultaneously before and after Wilt's death! It took three millenia to eradicate all the goat's left of the warlands, perfect timing for Goat & Ram to die ++ showing up in Wilt's realm (which was another perfect convenience for two siblings to appear, since Thanatos died long ago and his wisdom crown was inactive,, the only crowns Wilt had access to were the crown of famine & the crown of wisdom! (Another thing that explained their changed title after giving goat & ram the crowns of war++wisdom, the god of fear and famine)

ER OK YEAH THAT MIGHT BE ALL I HAVE TO SHARE FOR NOW!! YAYYYYYY I just gotta continue working on the pmv :-3cc

[carpedzem]

help needed

hi guys

some might remember i have a cat, an old gentleman named Mikuś. unfortunately with this age - the illness was about to happen sooner or later. i would prefer slower if i could choose. unfortunately thats not how life works and i had to watch my baby getting worse and worse within days. its serious since Mikuś is refusing to eat right now and lost 1/4 of his weight.

we still dont know what this is, we are checking what we can but i cant exclude cancer. its really hard to me right now, especially mentally because Mikuś is 20 which means, as you can probably guess, he was with me not only his whole life but also my whole life. he has been my lifeline for a big part of it as well. i am staying hopeful for the best outcome.

if you would like to help financially i will be grateful for you forever ever ever ever. even if you can send minimal amount and you think it wont change anything - it will, i promise, you can be a reason why he eats today. all money will go to pay for vet visits, medical exams, medicine and transport. im also fine with showing proof in dms of what i paid for if anyone want so see it. the goal right now is set based on what i already spend plus what else can happen this week but any, really any help will be appreciated, even if its just a reblog.

KO-FI LINK

also i will draw you what you want with pleasure. you can literally use this as commissions. i didnt have time (or peace of mind) to prepare price sheet but any donation above 100$ means fully rendered piece of your choosing with background. examples 1 and 2. ill start as soon as i feel better. dm me and we can talk through what you want

i dont know what else i can say. kiss your pet from me, and thank you for any support and kind messages. its going to be hard for me so please be patient

photo of Mikuś breadloafing in the vet office today

[saguette]

What do you think Johnny's art looked like before he was stripped of his powers? This is something that bugs me a lot, and I'm curious about what you think.

ok i needed to draw a few shitty pictures to demonstrate cuz i wanted to talk about more than just his previous art but his art journey in general IDC if there's some canon tweet that proves something i said wrong or out of timeline these are my headcanons and projections so you either like it or not.. anyways I think his style pre-pre-JTHM (lets say 15-18) depicted many things, He was good at realism and fluctuated just fine between stylized art and big hefty works with a lot of detail. His stylized works looking similar to Jhonens and the whole 2000's artstyle cuz its fitting.

Of course he's like, a late teenager around this time so its GOOD but not perfect. If you pulled up a few of his drawings from this time he would probably be embarrassed by all the disproportionate limbs and goth girls he sketched and thought were badass. He probably has old sketches of friends in his style regardless if they asked to be drawn or not since his art was something he was proud of and people around him made him feel proud of. His old art also feels like it'd have anime elements unintentionally to add to that amateur artist swag. Johnny doesn't like anime copies but stuff he rips inspo from was anime inspired so it rubbed off on his work too. Moving onto PRE-JTHM (18-20) Is when his art started to get more serious and complex. In his happy era he took to drawing lovecraftian horror sometimes but it was always the secondary focus of any drawing.

Moving out and growing up was around the time his mental state started to worsen and he started using art to cope with emotions rather than just use it for fun, drawing complex monsters was a subconscious way to depict underlying mental illness that's out of his hands. He cant depict what he doesn't know he has, he can only scribble things that feel someone close to him because there is no physical appearance to emotions. He never liked his art around this time because it always felt unfinished or wrong or like it just didn't interpret what he wanted right. Overtime his art lost coherent appearance, quality, and meaning which made it feel worthless. It wouldn't be all that bad but it reached a point not even he knew what it was trying to be and it was frustrating. How can your own art not make sense to you? Its weird to let your hands go and do their own and you not recognize what they're trying to say. Which leads to SHORTLY BEFORE JTHM-and later.. Johnnys NEW preferred method for art currently is a little abstract, it became two extremes of the same thing; nothing. his art lost alot of what it used to be so he says he cant draw anymore.

Johnnys lovecraftian horror art slowly engulfed itself over time and always becomes an abstract mess. Its purposely made to be incomprehensible by having too much, regardless if its creation is poetic, an outside view not being able to tell what it is or how much work went into it is on purpose. its metaphorical or whatever.. Johnnys fucked up or something.. Whereas Noodleboy i imagine was made by him drawing a stickfigure one day to see if he can still "draw" and overtime gave him his features like angry eyes and that big hair, creating his own sort of vent sona to replace the sketchy abstract art he used before. Noodleboys chaoticness is too sporadic to rip any meaning off of, he also purposely represents nothing. His existence uses up paper the same way, just without all the extra effort. SORRRYYYY long tangent thats probably super messy i just winged it. but i cant help myself ive thought about this for a while ik i didnt strictly answer the question but i had so much more to say

[4pfsukuna]

could you write smth for long curly haired reader who isn't doing the best mentally so she isn't ty taking care of here hair and geto who has a crush on her offered to help her with it? i just know he'd be soft and gentle.hed even look up how to take care of curly hair to help make his girls (he wishes 😔) hair look the best it ever has (so she can ask him to keep doing her hair for her) i need him down bad 🙏🙏

omfg girl. GIRLLLLLL. This may have just healed my writers block🥹

Suguru Geto was the neighborhood heart-throb with his dark volumtious hair, midnight black eyes that were so dark they nearly looked purple his tall muscular frame (his thighs were drool worthy when he man spread) and his hands that could probably… no definitely palm your whole face. Between that warm honey coated laugh and the smooth calm tone he always heals in his voice he had every girl and woman in a 10 foot radius always swooning over him. Not that he noticed his eyes were always on you and when you werent around his mind was thinking if you ate today, how your day was, what new hobby you picked up what conditioner you used? The last one was a bit unhinged.

Last week he made a complete fool of himself when he seen you in the shared hall of your apartment and finally gathered up the courage to ask you on a date but it started off so well. 

“Hello sweetheart, how was work?” He grins down at you waiting for your brown eyes to meet his and he feels his heart stutter when you do with a soft smile.

“Hey Geto, it was alright, glad im off though im starving” you answer” as you fumble with your house keys pushing some of your long curls out of your face with a single finger.

He can feel his insides exploding, this was it you just put the ball in his court for a lay up or whatever silly basketball analogy Satoru used when he told him about you, now was his chance.

“Oh? Theres a new family owned restauraunt that just opened nothing to fancy. You should go” he blurts out faster than he has time to think about it and his tongue instantly feels heavy in his mouth. His jaw feels hinged and hes clenching his mouth and fist so tight he doesnt know what will break first his teeth or the skin on his palms from how bad his nails are digging in.

“Yeah, i think i will. Have a good night” you wave and hes so in his own head he doesnt realize the way the smile doesnt reach your eyes from either dissapointment of him not asking to go together or the long day of work is something he spends the next few days pondering about once he gets in his apartment.  The only thing hes glad about is that neither Shoko or Satoru was there to embarass him endlessly. He always had a smooth slightly arrogant demeanor but when it came to you words fealt heavy in his mouth, his hands got clammy and his eyes could not leave you what so ever.

The next time he sees you hes shocked. Its around midnight after a full day of listening to anxiety by meg thee stallion on repeat loud enough for him to hear it in his living room that he begins to get worried. Its when he sees you in a dark blue hoodie blanket going to take out your trash that he stops you.

“Hey sweetheart, i can take your trash for you. You shouldnt be taking it down this late anyway” he reaches for the bag not expecting you to pull away.

“N-nah its cool, i got it” you voice cracks and he finally looks at your eyes seeing them puffy and red which makes him fall into defense mode. 

“Who did it? Ill kill them” and that wasnt exactly what he wanted to say but fuck it its not like he didnt mean it and it earns a chuckle from you. Ok, finally he was doing something right.

“Everything and everyone” you pout and he feels his heart soften at the helpless look of defeat on your face. If only you knew you had a man that would actually burn the whole world down in front of you.

“I dont have enough matches for the whole world but if you give me enough time i can run to the store to buy more and burn the it all down for you” he rubs his chin earning a smile this time.

“Maybe not the whole world” you start with a slight giggle and his heart starts doing that weird thing again “It's just… my anxiety has been in overdrive this week and my job has rumors about letting some people go and i think its me since i've been talking about being home sick and my hair stylist canceled my appointment which ruined my week because not only does she not know when she’ll return but my hair products are nothing more but empty containers that won't get shipped here until next month. NEXT MONTH Geto, i cant just put anything in my hair and nobody here can help me” you pout feeling your bottom lip tremble as you fight back tears not wanting to cry infront of your neighbor you needed to hold onto some shred of dignity— hes already watching you in this snuggie with kuromi socks on.

Your face is quickly found in his chest as he pulled you in for a hug and you nearly start sobbing, its not your fault when people hugged you when you were sad it only made you cry more.

“And then i forgot to go grocery shopping” you finally break the hot tears running down you face you wait for him to push you off instead he just holds you tighter resting his chin on your head and rubbing your back. His embrace kinda felt nice and this was the only thing that felt right in your whole horrible week you were going to bask in it.

“I can help you with your hair” Geto blurts and you wipe your eyes to make sure you heard him correctly.

“You what?” Your raspy voice questions looking up at the man whos tall enough to nearly reach the hallway ceiling.

“I can help you with your hair” he repeats, using a thumb to wipe some of the tears from under your eyes, his palm cupping your cheek to keep you in place. Completely unbothered by the fact that any of your other neighbors could walk out and see you two like this he’s just happy to have you this close.

“No shade but what do you know about kinky curly hair, plus im not trying to let anyone experiment on my hair let alone a man” you cross your arms but you don’t pull away from his embrace which he selfishly enjoys.

“You think this long healthy hair comes from using a body wash and shampoo 2 in 1? I actually take pride in my 8 step hair routine” he tells you reaching up to pull his hair from its bun letting his long obsidian locs cascade down over his broad shoulders the coconut scent hitting your nose.

You stare at him for a second debating how wrong this could go letting this man play in your head. I mean worse case scenario it gets tangled and you big chop after your hair crisis(amongst the several youve had throughout life) youve always said ‘fuck it im going to just go bald’ and maybe you finally spoke it into existance. 

You see the hopefulness in his eyes and know this man is fully convinced he can do your hair and will spend all night convincing you if he has to and you're not sure if it's his resilience or your lack of sleep that has you finally crack and let out a long sigh.

“I promise i can do it just give me a second to toss this trash, grab my products and i'll be over in a second” he promises with an excited grin grabbing the trash from your hand and taking off down the hall.

“And thats not all… they were roommates” you gossip with him as he runs the detangler through your hair after parting it into four sections. He was on the last section before having your lean back to begin the wash process and maybe he did know a thing or two about hair. Gently guiding your head back to the running water you hear the CLICK of the bottle opening before you feel the cold substance on your scalp.

Your eyes instantly close when his fingers begin massaging your scalp his nails feeling so heavenly against your roots.

“Oh my God Sugur your fingers feel so good” you nearly moan and he has to stop for a second, pretending to look for your detangler comb to not lose his composure. he cant even help his pants getting slightly tighter, he was honestly so down bad for you. 

He rinses repeats detangles conditions detangles again with very little instruction from you and honestly it was because you had began dozing off quite a few times enjoying the physical touch of another human while he is the physical embodiment of happy to be here.

He notices the song you had on repeat is also off instead choosing Sade to listen to which was alot more calmer. Its when he begins humming along that your brows scrunch and he panics assuming that hes hurting you.

“What you know about Sade?” Youre soft voice pokes making him chuckle and damn does he have a nice laugh.

“Im a man of culture” he pokes your temple and you jokingly pretend to attempt to bite his finger your goofyness slipping out easily around him. “Besides im washing your hair obviously im very cultured” he adds in and you cant argue there.

An hour later you find yourself rambling about all your favorite things favorite music, hobbies and embarassing stories of you from the fourth grade which he counters of embarassing stories of him in high school with him and his best friend satoru who he promises to introduce you to.

“And i'll section the braids up here into smaller parts So if you want a middle part or side part you have options” he tells you absentmindedly and you crain your head back to make direct eye contact but he gently grabs the side of your neck using his thumb to push your head forward.

“You'll get neck pain if you do that sweetheart” he commands softly in a way that makes your spine tingle and you rest your head against his large thigh.

“Have you done this before?” You ask your mind instantly floating to another woman and while there weren't too many girls that looked like you in japan with a hair texture like yours he was entirely too good to never have practiced this once.

“Yes” he answers honestly and you force yourself to push down the thoughts that make your stomach drop. “Though they usually fall asleep by the time i get to conditioning their hair”

And it's like you can hear the record scratch and the peaceful bliss you're in ends abruptly.

“So it's nice having someone to talk to up until the end” he tells you before finishing a braid and you feel it fall mid back before he shuffles around. There's a bright light gleaming on the side of your face and you turn slightly to see a picture of twin girls, one with dark hair and one with light brown, almost blonde hair.

“They're so cute, how old are they?” you ask taking the phone in your hands to get a better look as he swipes showing different clips from what looks like a trip to the aquarium.

“11, thats mimiko and nanako usually they are here with me but they are with uncle Satoru for the summer making his pockets hurt as they say and spending time with their little cousin megumi” he tells you before he stops sliding landing on a picture of him satoru the twins and a dark spikey haired little boy that looks angry at Satoru.

“He looks like he absolutely hates satoru” you giggle resting your head back on his thigh which earns a laugh from him.

“Despises him, actually thinks Satoru is so annoying but he loves him… deep deep deep down inside his tiny little body since he adopted him. We knew his dad… real piece of shit actually” Suguru admits using a bit more force on your hair, its not painful but you could tell he hated Megumi's dad more than Megumi hated Satoru. 

“You must've had them really young” you pry slightly which he snorts at before using the comb to detangle a section of your hair and adding in more product. 

“No, I met them at an old job. They were in a bad environment and I took them in. I just couldn’t watch them go through that horrible system it's not a place for innocent little girls” he tells you his touch becoming so featherlite you almost forget he's doing your hair 

“Yeah it makes sense you are such a girl dad. Definitely dilf material” you ramble going back to look at the pictures zooming in on how happy the girls look.

His eyes widen and breath gets caught in his throat he nearly has to stop what he's doing to focus on you again.

“Dilf? At Least take me out to dinner first”he jokes trying to calm his heart before you lean your head back once more making eye contact with him.

“How about the new family owned restaurant you told me about? You could even bring the girls I’d love to meet them” you smile at him watching the blush build on his face.

“R-really?” He stutters, not expecting you to ask him out on a date… shit was it a date?

“Yeah they seem to play an important role in your life and I need to make a good impression on them as well… I mean unless I’ve been taking your staring, heated looks and your kind offer to wash my hair the wrong way?” You tease with a sly smirk and he can feel the flush running through his entire body.

“Oh so you've just been letting me embarrass myself in front of you… this entire time” he exaggerates, holding a hand over his mouth in faux shock.

“I thought it was cute” you shrug watching his reactions before he tilts your head back forward using neck cramps as an excuse.

“Hey suguru?” You yawn, leaning your head back against his thigh and it was just the perfect head rest as his fingers began massaging through your scalp again.

“Yes sweetheart?” He asks slowing down for a second and you begin enjoying, a bit too much, the way he sounds calling you that.

“Thank you for washing my hair and styling it” you smile closing your eyes and shoulders dropping slightly and he grins at the signs of you falling asleep. He's seen it too often with the twins but he had to admit he may have been enjoying this more than you, acts of service being his love language that much was clear.

“Anything for you” 

[mcyt-trios]

FINAL ROUND

PROPAGANDA:

3 Heart Trio:

theyre soo silly theyre just silly little guys who do things like mining an entire chunk in the center of the server's spawn for their own entertainment and to annoy everyone else

They are PATHETIC. They are ANNOYING. They are PERFECT. They are playing on three hearts and they die so much. They have a specialized raid platform that is NOT a raid farm. They are a team against exploits! Their base has 3 hearts above it representing them

these guys decided to put love and fun above all on the killing-lying server. while watching other teams betray and fall apart they have stuck with each other till the very last day of the server and never doubted one another. they worked like a clockwork, they knew they could only rely on themselves and at the end of the day, they didnt mind that it was that way

these guys got the short end of the stick time and time again throughout all of lifesteal s4, they were the targets of so many traps and attacks for no reason other than they were weak and always around. and despite it all they never wanted revenge and never held grudges! they cared about fun and friendship more than anything else, and while all the other teams ended up falling apart or betraying each other, these three stuck together from start to end. they didn't care about how many hearts they had, how much gear they had, or how powerful they were, because in the end all they needed was each other <3 i miss them so bad btw

Eclipse Federation:

i dont like them. they ruined my life. Subz and Vitalasy had already partnered in previous seasons but this one, Vitalasy ended up leaving for a few months, leaving Subz alone, and Zam ended up getting close to him after immense trauma at the hands of his former teammates. Zam has done SO many wrongs, including to Subz himself and Subz STILL took him in and made him join Eclipse Federation after Zam died 14 times in a row and got banned then revived by the same player who's been killing him all this time. And it could've been perfect but no, Zam had betrayed his previous team due to them using dupes via exploits, and now Eclipse Federation ALSO has exploits! And he decided that yeah his morals were more important than being loved! And so he murders Vitalasy when he's at his most vulnerable point, lets everyone gaslight him into thinking Vitalasy is an irredeemable evil monster who will never change, even as Vitalasy SAID he was ready to change before the betrayal even happened, Eclipse threw out their whole revenge plans because of Zam's positive influence and he just broke everything. Subz couldn't be with Zam but also couldn't see himself at Vitalasy's side, leaving him alone. Vitalasy hated Zam and yet never killed him or hunted him down, despite Zam acting like he did. And when Vitalasy left, banning himself off from the server, Zam had some time alone to think and realized he fucked up SOOOO bad. And Subz revived Vitalasy and told him to kill him. And ban him. His last wish. His Deliverance. And to make up with Zam. And Vitalasy tried, and they kind of did make up over Subz's death, but then Zam was like "actually im going to kill everyone and destroy the server now. because i want subz back and also because i always do extremely drastic things when i don't need to because i have unchecked mental illnesses i refuse to get help for". And surprisingly when Subz came back he didn't like that! And they ended in tragedy! Eclipse is fucked up. It's a trio that's always about the absence of one person, it's a team that could only happen in one timeline and it was doomed from the very start. But the love was there. It made everything worse, truthfully. But it was there. And that matters. Also as a fun fact Zam himself on twitter has referred to eclipse as a throuple, which is not canon but that's pretty funny. he also stated on stream he didn't want to get therapy because it'd ruin his lifesteal character. and there was a saga where they would "marry" (challenge lost kinda shenanigans) and zam was the only one happy about it. he's not normal. there's something wrong with him. love that for him though sorry for the block of text. I really dislike them. They're my beloveds :3

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 164 spoilers and thoughts that are totally not late what are you talking about this is on time for sure <- writing the day that 165 drops

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JAVIER WAS THE ACTUAL MVP OF THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAH GOD I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

THAT SIGNATURE SLIGHT SMIRK, THE MENACE IN HIS EYES. YES!!! SAVE UR MAN FROM GRIEF!!! GO KNIGHT BOY GO!!!!!!!

oh how he's grown, oh how he's learned from lloyd,,, truly using all the skills hes seen and putting them to the test. ITS SO FUNNY HOW EFFECTIVE THIS IS HAHAHAHAA THE EXPRESSIONS ARE SO SO GOOD THEYRE SO UNHINGED I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

back to the top!

lloyd trying to bargain and figure out loopholes only to realize there really is no other way besides losing it all over again makes my heart ACHE. OOOWWW. OWWWWWWWW.

just. watching that shutdown happen is so so so cruel why would u do this to me. the way the artist shows the energy and life just leaving his eyes and then subsequently showing how. tired he is. makes me so so emotional

it fucking HURTS. and by god ive been there before - certainly not to this extent ofc, but ive also been in tough spots where all the work ive done for my engineering projects ends up being,,, pointless. it is VERY real, how demoralizing that feels and lloyds reaction to that, and i cant imagine the scale of how that despair increases when its related to the work you did to simply just live in peace. god. ow. ow ow ow ueueueuuee

like he just essentially got told that it didnt matter how hard he fought to live, to survive, it doesn't matter that he's "lloyd" now; kim suho is destined for an ill-fate. and considering we know him as someone who lives almost entirely for others? it's basically "hey, all this stuff u did for other people to make urself not a burden, became a burden. tough luck!" GOD THATS SO. GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH

and he's trying so hard to think of himself as lloyd frontera still but like. whats the point? his association with lloyd frontera became the thing that doomed him

this panel in particular is INSANEE AAGHGHGHHGGG the colors washed out, how limp he looks, the blankness of the background like nothings there. this is where lloyd is right now, hope ripped from him, this reflects that really well. it HURTS.

is dissociated the right word for this? in despair? either way he's emotionally and mentally going THROUGH it, and essentially back to isolation considering how he ignores javier

i also wonder now if lloyd has already made a choice, to let javier live? we dont get to see more of his thoughts beyond this point, so its hard to say whether or not he's already made the decision of which protagonist lives,,, god im so worried for him. a part of me suspects that maybe he already chose javier to live,,, IM SO SCARED,,,,

speaking of javier,,, we see him talking to arcos and marbella!! and AGGGHHH AAAHHH MY HEART i really really think that javier was being completely genuine here. i think he really believes this. javier in general has a tendency to be incredibly genuine in the things he says (examples i cant think of off the top of my head but this episode has a lot of em LOL). he's asserted multiple times that he believes lloyd can save their estate, and its clear he means it every time. the faith javier has in lloyd is so so strong and it makes me so fucking EMOTIONALLL im getting ahead of myself a little bit sorry

but then the stare that arcos gives to javier,,, i think silent was the one who mentioned it but its as if arcos isnt sure if he should believe him, and if u take into account the last time they asked about lloyd's status,,, it's very much possible that he doesnt believe javier, but javier has so much faith in lloyd that he leaves them alone anyway. god,,, gghh,,, mmy heart,,,,

AND JAVIER ASKING LLOYD TO WAIT FOR HIM AND THAT HE'LL HELP LLOYD GET BACK TO HIS FEET GOD GHGHGH HE LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH GOD FUCK GOD DAMMIT YOU!!! YOU!!!!

lloyd doesnt even respond but javier doesnt need to wait for a response bc he'll do whatever it takes now to protect this noble he's come to care for and love and gone on so many adventures with GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT FUCK

and now we reach the second half of the episode and it made me giggle SO FUCKING HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAA

LIKE I SAW THIS PANEL AND MY JAW DROPPED PLEASE JAVIER ALDKJFLSKJDF

ppl were posting that apparently someone in ORV does this too and like thats so fucking funny . if i had a nickel for every time there was identity fraud in a manhwa id have two nickels

POOR RAPHAEL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE TOO HAHAHAHA HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS

some more panels of javier harnessing all that unhinged lloyd energy IT'S SO SO GOOD. it feels like javier's now a really really strong prosecutor i think he'd do a good job as a lawyer. THIS IS SO SO FUN

LIKE HE LOOKS SO MENACING GOD ITS SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA while making entirely good points he's so golden i love u sm javier. yes save ur man. outargue the FUCK out of these angels u clever little knight.

THE BITS WHERE ITS REVEALED HE'S TRULY GENUINE TOO ARE SOOOO FUCKING GOOD

ITS FUNNY ON TOP OF BEING SO REAL OF JAVIER

i talked about it above but like. when javier really truly believes something, when he really truly wants something, it's so fucking obvious. this boy does not lie or pretend about how he feels, point blank period. hell we've seen his behavior when he lies/is not telling the truth; his words are stiff and out of character, and his expression is either menacingly tight or stiffly robotic. he has so, so SO much faith and such a deep desire to save lloyd, and it shows in how he's genuinely fucking thankful that the angels agreed to (or well, were coaxed into agreeing) with what he asked for. i think it's a really interesting character trait and it completely tracks that javier was the protagonist of knight of blood and iron. genuine, emotional characters who love and lose, who have hope and can believe and can also experience despair, can make for an extremely compelling story. javier nails it right on the head

i also think that this character trait completely influenced the way javier used the tactics that lloyd uses. like yes, this is something that lloyd could do, but he also would never be able to pull it off because he doesnt have that same protagonist heart and honest-to-god (pun intended) genuineness that javier has. this inherent authenticity that javier seems to just naturally possess is what allowed him to make these statements and demands, because the sincerity he wears on his sleeve makes it all end up feeling reasonable. only javier could have done something like this, and no one else. i think thats REALLY fun!!!

that is all for this ep for now,,, i am SUPER excited to see where this'll go. hopefully we will hear from alicia abt the eye of summer!!! god javier u clever lil thing im so glad he was able to do this SAVE UR BOYF!!! AAAAHHHH

see y'all next week! aka tmrw! today? whenever 165 drops!

[compassionatereminders]

mostly the thing that made me fall out with the system of psychiatry is just. how rigid it is and how unwilling to bend to the patient's individual needs, that if a treatment doesnt work its implied the patient didnt try hard enough to engage as opposed to....every single person is different and just because one treatment works for the majority of patients with that illness, the illness does not make all those people the same.

as well as that i also have issues with how people in the psych system trust their colleagues. i was psychologically abused by my psychiatrist for two years which consisted of him removing any medications, lying to me and discharging me for punishments. i tried to kill myself twice under him and his treatment of me caused that. he still works at the outpatients i attend bc who is going to believe a psychotic patient over a psychiatrist (which is another thing about the system that psychotic patients raising any concern is seen as delusion). and not only that but all his coworkers think hes a great guy. so how am i meant to get treatment for the damage he did to me when all of his colleagues are more inclined to try to protect their coworker than face the fact he is Abusive and Negligent to patients with personality disorders. How am I meant to get treatment for that trauma when all the system wants to do is protect itself first?

And that's not even bringing up how hard it is to be any kind of minority in psychiatric care. I've known Deaf people left on units without access to interpreters, essentially themselves from family, friends and anyone who speaks their fucking language, unable to defend themselves or even understand what doctors are telling them. As a trans person I have to go through my transition history every appointment. For what? and when transphobic legislation gets passed and I start thinking abt how i dont want to live in this world it is exhausting to phone a hotline knowing i will have to explain this whole thing to someone who doesnt know/care. and that black people are restrained, sectioned, diagnosed with schizophrenia and labelled aggressive at exceedingly high rates compared to white people. AND THEN the fact that Being a minority at all has negative effects on your mental health but psychiatry often seems to fucking treat mental illness like its exactly the same in everyone and will not sit down with minorities and hear them out on their struggles.

my like tldr is psychiatry is a system now and it refuses to engage with patients on an individual level it doesnt ask patients what they want and instead bases things off "reccommended treatments" which involve invasive interventions for certain diagnoses that patients dont get a choice in. and people are content to just have psych patients sectioned and isolated and they dont wanna think about the fact their human rights get taken away for indefinite amounts of time for WHAT?

it frustrates me endlessly. i dont want to be this ill but the system wont help.

Well said. I really hate how psych professionals will so often see a recommended treatment not working or making things worse and treat this as proof that the patient isn't trying hard enough instead of going "hey maybe this approach just isn't right for this person"

[freakenomenon]

since you’ve already talked extensively about ted and ellens psychodramas + how they were displayed in the game, what do you think about other characters psychodramas like gorrister and benny?

sits back.

both of their psychodramas are confusing to me, but i prefer bennys over gorristers so ill talk about that first,,

i have like an EXTREME dislike for how they completely took away his entire character in the short story, especially with the erasure of his sexuality. but even beyond that. i just. Don't understand his character??? he was big and strong and handsome and hated the weak and. then what.

id understand if there was some kind of character motive beyond being perfect and not giving a damn point blank period. like if he was trying to prove something. to strive for perfection to the point of killing others because of SOMETHING. but they don't. i don't understand the point of completely reworking this characters already established and VERY WELL IMPLEMENTED backstory for anything other than censorship.

he refused to be weak in any way, but WHY.

it's not like with ellen ( sorry i cant resist ) where she grew up in a bad neighborhood where she was treated like nothing, so she decided to MAKE herself something.

which made it hard to cope with the fact she couldn't just rise above EVERYTHING.

or like with ted where he was forced to work for his family because of their poor financial situation, but then was pulled out of that by someone who was taking advantage of him.

which caused a giant rift in his identity.

benny has just. always been a cool big strong powerful man who didnt care about others!!@ and then when AM took him down he's not anymore boo hoo.

it's watering down what made bennys transformation from man to monkey so god damn horrifying. especially with the lack of compassion. yes sure he cares about nobody but himself BUT FUCKING. WHY? THEY DONT EVEN ELABORATE ON THIS IN THE MANUAL. FUCKING WHYYYYYY.

i like toto though, very fun little guy. very interesting character. he was like the only part of the psychodrama i could really,,, resonate? with.

now. gorristers psychodrama is.

what the hell is even going on

the only thing i could really gather from it is that instead of being an activist and a cautious "looker-aheader", gorrister was a truck driving alcoholic who had a bad marriage and an abusive mother in law who blamed him for driving his wife batshit crazy because he beat her. but. other than that i don't.

understand half of it. what do you mean edna killed gorrister. what do you mean Harry cut his heart out. jesse, what the fuck are you talking about.

i don't fully understand WHY we are supposed to sympathize with gorrister when he is. SOMEWHAT responsible for the mental descent of glynis. obviously edna and harry played a huge part in this, im not ignoring that at all. but the end of the psychodrama implying that gorrister should just forgive himself and bury the past because he wasn't FULLY at fault for punting wife into the looneybin. What.

once again, i don't understand the need for a complete flip of this characters original premis unless it's for CENSORSHIP purposes. alongside that at least the puzzles and the dialogue within bennys psychodrama make SENSE. gorristers just.

DONT?

it's not that the puzzles don't have ANY logic like a good one or two of ellens. THEY JUST. ARENT SOMETHING THAT A NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO OR BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WITHOUT JUST CLICKING SHIT ON RANDOM TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. wait. Wait.

Okay. i know this is supposed to be a rant about their characters but. I just wanna say that a lot of the puzzles. Are things that RELATE to the characters and their stories and backgrounds. which adds to the enjoyment. WHEN YOU REMOVE THE ENJOYMENT OF THE PUZZLES. IT KIND OF MAKES ME. NOT LIKE GORRISTER SO MUCH.

if i kept going id just end up totally rewriting the characters as a whole and that's something for another tumblr rant to soothe my ever expanding rage.

im gonna go get a cheese stick

[weapon-xox]

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A PART 2 OF LOHAN MEETING THE X-MEN (maybe Logan and Wade end up joining so that Mary puppins can love in a mansion like she deserves or they don't whatever you want 😍)

so this turned into a lot of magneto and i didnt mean for it to but it just happened 💀 ill apologize again for the pacing, its not my strong suit, but please enjoy! 💕

Part 2 of Logan meets the X-Men!

It's been months now since Logan and Wade first showed up to the X-Mansion.

Logan wasn't sure why they kept going. In all honesty, Magneto really had Logan stressed out, and he was finding himself angry at Charles for keeping him around. He'd have to remind himself that, maybe this timelines Logan knew about this "partnership", and maybe he was okay with the arrangement, but the worst Wolverine was not.

...Unless he could be convinced otherwise, and Wade was trying his absolute hardest to get Logan on board. Dragging him along on trips to the school that Wade never used to make before, unless dragged there by Colossus, and if Logan didn't know any better he'd think Wade was trying to get Magnetos approval.

Doesn't he know how he can hurt me? Logan would think to himself, and Wade would just look at him and smile excitedly, unknowingly, excited to even be near one of his... Heros? Is that what Erik was to him? It left a sour taste in Logans mouth.

At some point during their visits, Logan couldn't exactly remember when it happened, they'd started joining the X-Men on missions. Just small ones, no giant robots or evil masterminds, just regular superhero joe things like stopping a robbery, or helping little old ladies across the street.

Not actually, it's just what it felt like to Wade.

The Wolverine had to admit, aside from the missions he defenitely didn't want to be apart of, but went along for Wades sake and to keep an eye on him, it's been nice. Seeing the faces of his old friends, who he'd once considered family and still mostly, but it was hard for him to not feel disconnected from the whole thing. The pair would only see the X-Men at least once a week for these missions, or if there wasn't one then just for a visit, on Wades behalf.

It was disorienting. Logan had told the merc that, one night in bed, Wades nose tucked into the crevice of a perfectly hairy and smelly armpit while a leg was tangeled between two muscular and equally as furry ones.

"What is?" Wade muttered sheepishly, unwilling to pull his face away from the comforting heat and smell of Logans body.

"This whole X-Men thing, bub. I don't like it. Goin' to the school, goin' on childrens missions. Comin' back home and havin' to dread goin' back every goddamn week. Doin' a quick mission, then coming back home to... This," meaning domestication. Without missing a beat, lifting his head enough to look Logan in the eye, he said,

"Why don't we just move in?"

And so they did. It was hard on everyone. Charles was kind, offered them a room, or seperate rooms, but Wade insisted on sharing. Logan was thankful. Wade had also talked a lot about Althea to Charles and Magneto, one of two acting as if he hadn't been listening to Wades ramblings all along but actually, it had been Erik who suggested moving Al into the school. Even Charles looked shocked, and Wade actually broke down crying because "he DOES care!"

And although the initial idea of moving into the school was Wades idea, the move had been the hardest on him. Wade and change did not mix well, uprooting all of his things and his way of living because, lets be honest, moving into the school meant Wade would have to be on his best behavior. Change certain aspects of himself, and that had Wade in a spiral of angry outbursts, which turned into a full on mental breakdown. Then he'd be manic, happy to "move out of this shithole" and "give our sweet, darling daughter (Mary Puppins) the life she deserves. That mansion is hers and no one can tell her otherwise."

After all was said and done, Logan and his new found family moved into the mansion, it... Actually did feel a little better.

Everyone loved Mary Puppins. She was disgusting, and putrid, but the students adored her. Snuck her treats or parts of their meals under the table, took her outside to the nice big yard for her to play. Wade always had an hawks eye on her but otherwise, she was loved and taken care of.

The teachers and some of the older students liked to gather around Althea to listen to her talk. She had a lot of stories, most ending in cocaine, but she managed to change the narrative to be a little more school friendly. Even Magneto would hang around, arms crossed and leaned against a wall, silent but always listening. He took a liking to Al, and sometimes Logan would see him guiding her through the large, winding halls, Al on his arm in a sly attempt to cop a feel, but their conversations sounded pleasant enough.

Logan didn't sense any ill intention, so he never kicked up a fuss. It also helped that Logan had walked in on Magneto one time before one of his classes, standing in front of the danger room. His cape was scooped up and tangled inside of the silky warmth had been miss Mary herself. She looked blissed out, gnarly tongue hung over the side of her maw and drooling all over him, eyes closed, Magneto whispering to her sweetly. As soon as he'd seen Logan he cleared his throat, stopped his sweet nothings, but never put Mary down until class had begun.

Logan ended up joining him for the class. They fought a good battle, their team (the students) had all worked well together, and afterwards Logan had met up with Wade and shoved him into their bedroom with a low growl, pumped full of adrenaline, and that's when Logan decided he really needed to be an X-Man again.

More months went on. Logan and Magneto, as it turns out, work really fucking well together. Logan had always let his old team use his body as a weapon, free to throw him where they needed to be, to claw and destroy, because he knew they still respected him as a person. But when Erik had suggested it the first time, Logan had been angry.

I knew there was an ulterior motive. He'll take control and destroy me, hurt me, and that will be it.

But Wade, bloodied and panting from battle, urged Logan to just let him do it. That Erik had given them no reason to not trust him, and Logan trusted Wade most, so he reluctantly agreed.

And it became a thing. A really useful thing, actually, and after every battle Magneto and Logan would look at each other, chests heaving and something powerful glimmering in their eyes with understanding. Wade would have been jealous if he wasn't always on the receiving end of Logans "affections", his way of relaxing after a good fight, to come down from the high of a victory.

For genuinely probably the first time since Wade and Logan had come around, Wade leaned over the counter in the kitchen in a pair of Wolverine boxers and an oversized flannel (courtesy of his honey badger) while munching groggily on a piece of toast, Magneto spoke to him.

"Mister Wilson, I- Oh. Please, put some clothes on." Wade looked down at himself with a bare, arched brow, then back at Magneto who just shook his head.

"Anyway," he drawled slowly, eyes averted from Wades body. "I want to... Thank you, for bringing Logan back to us. For being here with him. Having not only one, but two, nearly immortal-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, tall, dark and intense. Don't you dare thank us for being your weapons, especially not Logan." Magneto shut his mouth, and Wade stood up straight, discarding his toast to the napkin he'd been using as a plate.

"He isn't your weapon. You better not even dare think of him that way, because no matter how much I want to climb inside of you," Erik made a disgusted face. "I won't hesistate to kill you for using him. We're here for him, not for me, not for you, or any of these losers.

"I know he needed this. To be an X-Man again, because it's what he knows. He's good at helping people, at killing, being a fucking animal. He deserves to have this, to let loose, and a team that loves him, but that's what this is- a team. Not 'let's throw Logan like a six point dart at our target and be done with him.' He feels a lot of guilt from his world that he just can't let go of. If you want to thank anyone, thank him, because it really was hell to get him here and I know it's taking a toll on that gorgeous head of his more and more everyday that he has to be around the people he feels he abandonded and got killed."

Wade left it at that with a sickingly sweet kiss to Eriks cheek, toast long forgotten on the counter as he left to find Logan, suddenly needing to hold his princess in his arms and tell him that everything would be alright.

Magneto stood in silence, stunned, took in every word Wade had said and flipped it over again and again in his brain, trying to make sense of it all, and when he finally did he nodded to himself with a new type of vigor.

He'd thank Logan, later. And Wade too, for real this time. Maybe he had been a tad insensitive, and if Logan noticed he hadn't said anything. Maybe Wade was just observant. But the Wolverine was just as much a team member as the rest of them, a part of their family, and Wade too. Not just weapons to use at their disposal just because they couldn't really die. If Erik wanted to gain their trust- Logans trust, to have him fully accept him as one of their own and understand his intentions were nothing but good, that he was trying so hard to be good, he'd just have to try harder.

And for Charles, Magneto was willing to do whatever it takes.

[buckgettingstruck]

It’s also like… they only make this demand of Eddie. No one is campaigning for Athena, Bobby, Hen, Chim OR BUCK to go to therapy. Tbh some of those characters need therapy more than Eddie (cough Athena and Bobby cough). Even in the context of Buddie, Bucks done some pretty messed up stuff ON PURPOSE and people aren’t saying he needs therapy to be worthy of Eddie. Wonder what the difference there is 👀.

I also think that people don’t have a good understanding of grief. I know story-wise we’re all tired of Shannon’s ghost, but at the same time, grief never really goes away. I don’t know if this is an intentional bid for realism by the writers or if it’s one of those accidentally real things they wrote into the show, but I think it’s very understandable to want to recreate good memories and spend time with someone that you loved (romantic or not) and lost no matter how unhinged it is. And to be slapped in the face with a dead loved one’s doppelgänger? I can easily see how Eddie or anyone would get caught up in the fantasy no matter how well adjusted they are, but i think a lot of people don’t get that or maybe haven’t experienced that kind of grief

everything you said is so nicely put so kisses for you *mwah*

i do think many dont understand the way grief can fuck you up ESPECIALLY with the context of a dead spouse and thinks being left forever unaddressed. that aspect of it is so absolutely real and even if they didnt do it on purpose its something most shows dont do. like the person moves on with life and thats that. you are capable of having a lovely flourishing life after the loss but its not something that shrinks its something you grow and expand around. people dont get that its something that doesnt disappear.

also like. im being so real when i say this but its the fact that eddie has canonical mental illness while buck (and what i think isnt canon even though to me it is) doesnt. so. and people with mental illness are way more likely to be demonized i feel.

the thing that fucks me up the most is that eddie was doing well until he was slammed with such an unimaginable, unfathomable trigger. the whole storyline is a shitshow but its an unfathomable situation nobody irl would ever be in. which makes it a lot harder for some people to empathize with i think.

also especially without any sort of diagnosis i think buck’s issues are more palatable because people see at least a little of themselves in that while eddie’s are so niche.

[commanderquinn]

a list of canon ways in which lillian hart is The Fucking Worst that cora coe deserves financial and emotional compensation for:

-the basis for the big divorce counseling mission is that cora's worried for her mother's safety. that means, before going on a deep cover operation with smugglers known to kill rangers, marines, or anyone else caught trying to interfere with their business, lillian didnt leave her daughter a heads up much less a lead. once the fuck again, this woman decided that her career was more important than her daughter's mental and emotional health. once the fuck again, this woman decided she could just disappear from cora's life and then come back out of the blue without consequence

-when you go to lillian's office to look for her at cora's request, the guy working the desk knows SAM well enough to know his name and give him shit like they've got a personal history, but he??? isnt sure about????? cora's name???? word for word, he looks at her and says "it's cora, right?" you're telling me that this woman doesn't talk about her kid enough for her fellow INVESTIAGATIVE rangers to be sure about her name??? are you SHITTING ME??????? get the fuck out of here. you cant push "ranger family values" and the close ties they have in one breath then claim she likes to keep a professional distance at work in the other. you wanna have the conversation about what fresh hell it is being a working mother in a position of power, lets go, ill have that conversation all day long. but lillian hart is not a fucking example of a working mother and im gonna be pretty fucking insulted for working mothers everywhere if i catch wind of ppl trying to pull that kind of defense card. the woman's an awful parent and should be held the fuck accountable for it. you wanna know how i know????

she doesn't say cora's name enough for the ranger watching the door to be confident in it, but he remembers alllll the stories of the captain her ex is cozying up to. and lillian is the one to confirm during the quest that she has been getting the stories from cora, so there's some clear "oh she already likes the stranger more than me." i know im reading into it because its fiction and none of these people are real, but ive also, y'know been in cora's shoes, so i can tell you from real life experience that shit does exist. idk if that was the writers INTENT, but it sure does a great job at reflecting a very sad reality

-sam points out its dumb that lillian wants to speed the ship, with her daughter on it, directly at the sydicate. idk abt y'all, but my ship was pretty dinky at that point bc i was focused on outposts, and we got ambushed by like 6 ship waves once we landed for that fight. again, i get it. game mechanics get a higher priority than realism. but this whole "we have to finish this because theres a chance you were spotted trying to rescue me" shit is so. nauseating. theres no demand to drop off cora somewhere safe, theres no "lets call in the cavalry." its this fucking egomaniac looking you dead in the eye and being like "i know i just traumatized the shit out of my kid but i need you to drive us into an ambush while she's still on board. hope you're a good shot because sam and i cant kill them ourselves." and so what that we did that????? YOURE TELLING ME IT WAS JUST THOSE SHIPS???? the rest of the organization is just going to LET IT GO???? like no fucking wonder sam sees himself as the better option even through all his fucking doubt. at least he knows when to turn the fuck around because shit is above his paygrade

-she has custody rights. she is a decorated and respected ranger. sam being a smuggler wasnt public knowledge, but point out one person in akila who wouldnt believe her in a heartbeat over it. everyone in town gives him nothing but shit, and they all side with his dad who was definitely no picnic to live with. im guessing big emotional detachment there, lotta interrogation and persecution rather than teaching and understanding. HELL, sam would probably own up to his past if lillian outed him for it, he's that type of idiot. at literally any point she could put in the effort to get legal council involved. if she's SOOOO by the law, whats the hold up there???? i agree the kid shouldnt be on my ship while im in the middle of a space fight. ive talked with sam about it, and im not even the kids parent (as of the personal quest). what the fuck are you doing about it lillian????????? oh thats right. we cant get lillian on the phone. whomp whomp.

-she made cora cry. hyper independent, "big girls dont cry" cora coe. multiple times. worse, she made cora cry because she made cora feel like she wasn't as important as lillian's career. i dont give a fuck what criminals are doing. i do not give a fuck. i give a fuck that that little pixel child got her heart broken and there isnt a dialogue for me to call out her mother for being a huge fucking cunt to her own daughter but theres a thousand and one options for me to tell sam he's parenting wrong. he is, and i have no problem using them when they're appropriate, but where the fuck are they for lillian??? why am i not allowed to tear this woman a new asshole at any point, but there's like 20+ extra dialogue options added to every single npc you have a persuade option with???? todd my head hurts and its your fault

-"im sure sam's told you all about me. go on. ask whatever you want." yet there is no option to ask what the fuck her problem is. so, clearly, i cannot, in fact, ask whatever i want.

-"but the looks i got from my fellow rangers reading alexander dumas... we do strange things for kids." yeah hart??? thats your standard????? THATS your idea of going out of your way for your kid??? literally how did sam fall for this woman oh my god i cant even listen to her speak without wanting to use the power of bitchhood i inherited from a long line of angry irish women to ridicule her to tears. maybe then she'll fucking understand how small she makes her fucking kid feel every time she turns a moment of bonding into a little "woe is me and my comfort zone oh how unfortunate i am to have a brilliant daughter that wants to connect with me through her greatest passion"

-she openly admits that she dumped the cargo sam was smuggling not because she felt any connection or sympathy or just didnt want to destroy someones chance at life in a capitalist society, but because he was a good pilot and she didnt want that talent to "go to waste" so she could recruit him. thats not really a thing against cora i just really fucking hate that and the picture it paints of her priorities as a human being

-"if we're going to be really honest here... back when we were a team... cora would follow you everywhere, like a little adoring dog. i... just fell out of it. long before we separated."

i literally. do not have words for how fucking disgusted i am by that line of dialogue. oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. i. i TRULY would not even know where to start. the dog comparison makes me violently angry and if you'd given me a punch interrupt at that moment, i would have broken my keyboard punching the accept option

-go replay or watch a recording of that divorce counseling mission one more time. while you're doing it, imagine the roles reversed. imagine youre romancing a character thats a mother bringing cora into space, and the ranger standing in your cockpit asking to finish the mission is her father who took off to live at work once it was clear his little girl liked mommy better. imagine THAT while you listen to the (imo) out of fucking pocket dialogue where sam constantly praises lillian for being "a good ranger/woman." then you come back and tell me how comfortable you are with the concept of lillian hart as a character.

[bungone]

Actually no im not done because I know it gets talked about a lot but Lolita is such an interesting piece of media; not just the book itself but people's attitudes towards it.

like, first off, there's the actual author (nabokov) who goes out of his way to talk about how childish, mokeyish, immature and whatnot Dolores is in the most unnappealing possible ways, and then specifically said that he didnt want the kind of cover that every single fucking published edition of Lolita has?? With girls who are either being sexualized or very obviously having "a good time" which is absolutely not what Dolores was doing in the book?? I really, really, don't think anyone who designs these covers has even opened the first page because what. the. fuck.

It's so obvious that my man Humbert Humbert is an unreliable narrator, but gee, I guess we learned to take everything we read at face value, and also everything that comes from a protagonist's mouth as the "correct" way of viewing things, both in the book and in real life?

And even then, maybe, just MAYBE I can excuse the people who talk about how the book is fucked up because it's "glorifying pedophillia".

Maybe they had a really shitty english teacher. At the very least, they're reading it and understanding that the actions of Humbert Humbert aren't okay? They got to the halfway point. Maybe their education sytem failed them.

Maybe they had a really shitty high school english teacher that never taught them the skills necessary to understand this kind of writing. Maybe they're just dense, that's who they are as a person, and it would take someone going out of their way to point it out for them to consider the possibility.

But then there's the fucking apologists?? Like, putting aside the whole Dolores being 12 (which, yeah, is akin to putting aside the whole book, but bear with me for a second), Humbert Humbert not only kidnaps her (illegal), lies to her for a long time about her mother (not illegal but generally shitty), but is implied to have committed murder (illegal, not sure if implied is the right word here because it absolutely happened and everyone knows it), and sexually abuses Dolores (very illegal). These are crimes. He is a criminal. Say what you want about the justice system these are crimes that absolutely should be crimes.

He's clearly not an upstanding citizen, and I fail to understand how some people look at all his behavior and go "oh yes, the the man who killed a woman and kidnapped a 12 year old girl is just misunderstood, and he did those things for true love" like fuck no.

I like Lolita. It's an objectively good book. The quality of writing (high quality, I mean, I normally hate first-person writing but I actually liked Lolita), it's a great psychological horror piece that doesn't rely on things like shock value and overused tropes. The characters are all multi-dimensional and frankly, act realistically. But that's all it is. A psychological HORROR piece. It's not romantic. If anything, it's meant to make you sympathize with Humbert, and then you're supposed to take a step back and be like, "Wait. Why am I sympathizing with him? I'm not a pedophile." Because yeah, he's a complex character but that only goes to make him realistic in terms of the kind of pedos that exist in real life.

Pedophiles are people too. Mentally ill people, really, really shitty people who need serious help, but reducing them to "not human" only makes them an "other", which makes you forget that on the outside, they look like normal people. That have friends and family and go to school or have jobs and order coffe and read in libraries and yeah, maybe you sat next to one of them an entire year in organic chemistry. They're not weird stalkers that hang out in bushes in parks. Some of them, maybe, but not all. Nowhere near all.

man that derailed fast.

[choco-worms]

how did each of your OCs like med school (or pharmacy school, I guess, in Eden’s case)? did they have a study group or just go it alone? did they party hard on weekends? how did they react to the workload and stress?

HIIII OKAY SORRY I TOOK MY TIME THINKING THIS ONE OVER. Thank you SO much for the questions! Ill do my best to organize my thoughts clearly.

TW: This ended up touching on some different traumas my ocs have. Including Sexual Assualt, Transphobia, Ableism, and Sexism. Proceed with caution if you are sensitive to these topics<3:

How did the chocodocs like med school (school in general)? 

Eden: Eden loved college!! She was a gifted student since her photographic memory made coursework very simple for her. This is how she got through College and Pharmacy certification so quickly. She was really able to enjoy the people and the social aspects more so. Shes simply built different so college was a breeze academically. She did undergo a trauma towards the end of her education that really gave a hit to her confidence which is why she is so skittish and anxious nowadays. I want to address this sensitively, but will be clear that she was sexually assaulted. I am unsure on the details. Im also unsure if I want to cement down details, but this event shapes her approach on things going forward.

Finn: Okay so… Finn is alittlee.. How do I say.. Fucked up? I suppose the way to explain this is he grew up in Utah. He crossed the country for school and work for a reason. His family was largely unsupportive of his gender transition and was outright cruel to him. So, being a successful surgeon morphed into a method of survival more than it was a dream. This being said, med school is fucking hard. Finn had worked a LOT at it, and he did so probably not in the most healthy ways! His motivation process was “I cant sleep, eat, bathe, enjoy myself until i do XYZ”. This was massively unhealthy for him, but… it worked! enough! Socially, he just didnt have the mental (or physical) energy to have any real friends.

Pebble: The academics were manageable for Pebble. She was always more science and math minded. With some hard work she was quick to earn top marks. Socially was where she struggled. The medical field was much more male dominated at this time than it is now. It didn't help that she was also up front about her autism. Her male classmates were handed opportunities she had to fight for, half-assing CV’s she had to perfect. She was often either condescended to or treated like she was fragile. It was clear most people around her thought she was some sort of diversity pick. She had to fight for her reputation as a doctor to be taken seriously, and that she did.

How did they study, and did they party?

Eden: Studying for Eden was rather simple. Read the content. She can recall it later with her photographic memory. She actually was the kind to tutor and help other students! She hosted a pretty popular study group on campus. Since academics were remarkably easy for her, she had a bustling social life! Hitting the bars every weekend with friends, clubs, parties, the whole shebang! This came to a halt after she was traumatized.

Finn: God, what didn't he try. Flash cards, study groups, mind mapping, repetition, and every other obscure method invented to study. He did most of his studying in a library since it encouraged him not to slack off. He pulled alot of late nights, which wasnt great for his narcolepsy. He maaaaay or may not have occasionally abused his medication to cram for tests but shhhhhhhhhh. He doesnt have to do that now <3 thank god. Obviously, he did not party. Even if he wanted to </3

Pebble: She studied dutifully and alone. She did best with multi-sensory engaging study methods. Rewriting her notes while reading them aloud, recalling information while pacing, or rewatching lectures while she fidgeted with something. She would most often study in her dorm, headphones on to ignore the sounds of college around her. That being said, she did not attend any parties. They weren't her scene.

How did they handle the stress?

Eden: What little academic stress she had, she handled socially. Coffee runs, lunch runs, walks, anything! 

Immediately after her assault she withdrew socially to deal with the stress of it all. It was a lot of hurt, a lot of fear, a lot of depression. Luckily, she had friends that loved her. Her support system helped her get through this time in her life. Slowly she came back out of her shell but she hasn't been quite the same since. 

Finn: He was always stressed. He motivated himself through it with the stakes he had. He couldn't go home, he didn't want to go home. When it got *too* stressful he was prone to just break down, either in tears or manically. if he got too too stressed out, he’d fall asleep. 

Pebble: During college, her hobby of choice was crochet (now a days she sews). She liked things that kept her hands busy. She’d also use some nice noise cancelling headphones to listen to some music. She is very much a woman who likes to be cozy and just generally is a home-body. College was hard for her. Harder than she would admit, but she did it alone. She took pride in that.

[starkeyletters]

•̩̩͙⁺𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧, 𝐒𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 P1

N.P.S.O.M Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Warnings - 18+, Mature theme, Drug & substance use, Violence, smut, mental illnesses, crime, cheating, toxic relationships, etc.

Wordcount - 2,5k+

Pairing - 𝑅𝐴𝐹𝐸 𝐶𝐴𝑀𝐸𝑅𝑂𝑁 x 𝙁𝙀𝙈 𝙊𝘾 [Reader] | 𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙨 [ 𝑎𝑢 ]

Summary - Exs. Should stay exs. But when the pair cant seem to get off eachothers minds, things happen, mistakes are made. Its not like they changed, they were New people, making the same old mistakes.

A/n - Another start to a story, I hope you like this one. I have this story already fully planned, most chapters to come will be the next one for this.

“You said he wouldn't be here.”

You looked into the mirror that stood in the corner of Sarah’s bedroom, Your hands ran over your hips. Looking at the black mini dress you were in, You admired the way the dress hugged your body in all of the right places. 

“I only said that so you’d come,” Sarah glanced towards you, “And don't say you would've. I know you wouldn't have.” You didn't move, Its not like you wanted to do this, Especially after finding out Rafe was home and was in doubt going to attend the party. It was literally in his house, and he was not one to turn down a party.

It wasn't usual for you to run into Rafe, Which made avoiding him a whole lot easier. You missed him, alot. The two of you didn't end on the worst of terms, yet it was still bad. The relationship just was not working. Things went sideways, after he became distant, argumentative, and manipulative. So you thought it would've been for the best if the both of you stopped seeing each other.

Of course, breaking up with him was not easy. In your books, if someone isn't happy in a relationship, they arent going to stay in it. Apparently his books were different. 

What you didn't know was how bad the breakup had affected rafe. Whenever you saw him, he was either with some blonde girl, or acting like you never even existed. 

You were his first Real love. And he was yours, your first ever boyfriend too. 

The sleepless nights, when he felt alone disappeared when he was with you. When you left, that's all he could feel, those sleepless nights became sleepless again, it's like he lived off melatonin. He only trusted you, you were the only one who really knew him.

Having no one to run to, caused him to fall back into bad habits.

He was finally clean,

He was doing better,

Until the breakup

. He ended up re-lapsing. Finding himself in the place he tried fought so hard to get out of. He killed the good verison he created, by feeling as the only option left was to turn back to feeling nothing at all in unhealthy ways. Drugs. Hookups. You name it.

He blamed everything on himself, spending days in his room. Nothing could make him feel better, He didnt even feel at home, in his home. You were his home, his everything.

Now you were gone.

You and Rafe had one of the messiest histories you've ever had with another individual, from hookups, to enemies, back to hookups, friends with benefits, dating.The two of you dated for just over 6 months. The ups and downs in that relationship was a number for the books, that's for sure.

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You could hear footsteps leading up to Sarah's door at a very fast pace, you were too focused on trying to pull your zipper up fully on the back of your dress to stop and look at who appeared in the doorway. Sarah also took no interest in seeing who it was either, focusing on trying to clasp her necklace together. You could speak for the both of you when you 

“Sarah.” You heard that one familiar voice whisper-yell for his sister, that voice you could pick up anywhere. Even in a crowd of screaming people. You watched as Sarah rolled her eyes and the necklace was being  thrown to the floor somewhere, she sighed and turned towards Rafe.  your whole stomach felt as if it dropped once you heard his voice. Almost like the world stopped spinning. Like time was frozen. As if you were stuck in a recurring nightmare with no escape. 

Except you knew he wasn't there for you, he asked for Sarah. If he was these for you, he would have asked for you, right? Plus, Rafe didn't even know you were these up until that moment, and that is if he even took time to acknowledge the fact you were.             

“What do you want?” You heard Sarah snap towards the boy, you couldn't help but to look to see as to what was going on between them. Rafes hands flew in the air, moving in all sorts of directions. Oh boy, did that break your heart. To see that boy in such a state. He looked different, his hair was longer, it looked good. But him himself, not so much. His face looked different, his eyes. They showed nothing, That was not the Rafe you knew - not the Rafe you had loved.

“I- i uh-” He paced back and forth in the doorway of Sarah's room, You could tell he was on something, the state of distress he was in genuinely scared the crap out of you. You never could tell his next move when he acted that way. 

“I need- 30? Yeah- 30 dollars?” He paused, Looking up at sarah, she scoffed at his asking, her hands finding a place on her hips. You watched the way she attempted to shut him out of her bedroom with the door, But he just pushed it back open. “Bye!” Sarah sarcastically waved him off, but he was much stronger than sarah, holding the door back open.

“Please sarah! Jesus- i need it ok?” he went on, his voice sounded of desperation and fear. It cracking in between each word. You could tell whatever he needed that money for was either so important - one out of two situations is always the case for Rafe, like if he had a drug dealer he didn't pay so he had to get the money or whatever the guy is threatening him with will happen, Or he ran out of drugs and needed to buy more.

“Well maybe you should've thought about that before you acted like a complete jackass and spent all of the generator money on a stupid bike!” Sarah yelled, you really thought about just leaving for a split second. Until you heard sarahs bedroom door slam and she walked back to pick up her necklace. Rafe was gone.

“I have no clue how you dated my brother,” She began to go on, and on, about everything Rafe flawed. WHile trying to find her necklace. Reality is, you didn't want to listen to a word she was saying, “it wasn't that bad.” you cooed, You couldn't bare to listen to anymore of someone talk about a relationship they have no business in. Whether Sarah's your best friend or not, she has no right of saying the things that came out of her mouth.

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The moment your foot hit the last step is when you finally felt the adrenaline start to pump throughout your entire body. The music blasting loud enough to be heard from three streets over. People stood in every place imaginable. Red solo cups over the floor along with all sorts of other pieces of garbage. Oh god, was that ever going to be fun to clean in the morning.

You would be lying if you said you actually enjoyed things like this. You hated - despised then. The only reason you were there tonight was for Sarah, she went through the trouble of throwing this party to get you out, even though you told her on many different levels how you weren't ready just yet, that didn't stop her. 

Thankfully for you, Sarah ran off before the party even started to meet up with old friends she had from kook academy, shae, kelsey, and kaylee. Most likely they were somewheres down by the doc, where most of the guys hung out, guys that wanted nothing more than sex might I add. You could already tell this was going to be one, long, dreadful night.

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It wasn't long before you found yourself down some dark hallway just off the downstairs foyer, alone yet at peace. The music was muffled down that hallway so you didn't have to listen to any of that god awful rap being played. Pulling out your phone, you slid down one part of the wall, seating yourself as comfortably as you could get on the hardwood floor. Scrolling through instagram’s feed and viewing newly added stories, Sarah's story filled your ears with laughter and scream, your eyes with people jumping off the docs, Shotgunning beers, and acting like fools.

It wasn't long before you found yourself typing the name ‘Rafe Cameron’ into your search bar. Out of curiosity - you told yourself. Tapping on the account, Showed, as usual, No new update to his story, nor any new posts. Just the ones he had posted for years but never got around to deleting. Scrolling through his posts made you smile. Noticing the photos he didn't delete of the two of you did the complete opposite.

You heard a faint humming fill the hall, Footsteps approaching you. You looked down the hall, seeing what looked to be a teenage boy, around your age, stooped next to you. You watched as he looked down at you with the faintest amount of light that made whoever it was visible.

“Hey.. Y/n right?” the boy asked, you nodded, “Yes, and you are?” He took his hands out of his pockets, quickly putting his hand out for you to grab, “Jack- Jackson, but you can call me jack.” He stuttered, “Oh-k.” You took his hand willingly, standing up next to him. He had quite a tall figure, towering over you. 

“How about I take you to get a drink? How does that sound?” Jack asked you, you had no clue who this boy was, or why you were about to take up on his offer. But he seemed nice. It didn't even occur to you how he knew your name, But getting to know someone wasn't hurting anyone, especially yourself. You needed to get out there more.

The two of your guys' hands locked together as he took you down the hallway, back into the foyer. “Is it a bad time to tell you I don't drink,” you laughed, earning one from him as well. “Oh, trust me, that won't be a problem.”His hand stayed in yours, now leading you up the stairwell just off the foyer. This wasn't the way to the kitchen, that's for sure.

You let out a nervous laugh, continuing to go with this boy to the second floor, reaching a bedroom that was all to well known to you. Rafe’s bedroom. “I don't think this is where-” you put your hands to your side, before jack went beside you and pushed you into Rafes room, closing the door behind you and locking it from the outside. Jack stood outside the door, as Rafe ordered him too earlier, just in case you found a way to leave. “What the fuck Jack!” You turned, hands banging onto the door, trying to open it. The knob wouldn't budge.

“You wont get it open. It's locked. And Jack, for sure, isnt letting you out.” You heard another voice from inside the room. Becoming almost nauseous when you recognized the voice, almost immediately. It was rafe. This was a trap, Jack never wanted drinks with you. He set you up.

You turned around to see rafe sitting on the edge of his bed, his feet placed on the floor as he stared down at the floor, his hands resting in on and other in his lap, he looked almost ashamed. He should've been for his actions. 

“Your fucking sick.” you scold, pointing at him with a tear slipping down your face, They boy couldn't even look you in the eyes, let alone even look at you. He swallowed hard, his face wiping his face. “Look, i know what it looks like im doing but-” He pleaded.

“No! I know exactly what your doing.” You began to cry out,” You pay your friend with god knows what to lure me in here, and for what reason- To get me to suck your dick? To hook up, manipulate me, lie to me again? Is that it? I'll have you know there's hundred of other girls here who'd do just that-” Tears ran down your face, Rafe looked up at you, finally, a look of disbelief plastered on his face. 

Truth is, Rafe didn't want just any girl. He wanted you and only you. He loved the way you knew just what you wanted, always, and you never stood for less. The fact that you gave a shit about him.The way you weren't like the rest of them. You were different. You didn't just want sex, you wanted real genuine love. Rafe adored that.

He shook his head, his one hand hitting off of the side of his head, standing up he walked towards you. “No- I dont fucking want that Y/n.” You took a step back as he got closer. The tension in the room was enough to make your stomach drop. 

“Then what do you want!?”  you cried, looking up at him through your glasses, not being able to hide the look of such a beautiful expression of love on your face. “What do you want!”  You yelled, shoving into his chest repeditavely before his arms flew out to grab yours, steadying you from attempting to punch at his chest. This is not what you wanted to or planned to be doing that night.

“I just want to talk.. Can we do that?” He cooed, bending down to your height to look you in the eyes, holding your shoulders. As much as it pained you to even be near him, you nodded, catching yourself off guard when the two of you took a seat on the edge of his bed together. God, did that bedroom bring back memories. Memories you fought so hard to forget. 

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“You don't need to say anything. As much as I hope you do, you don't. I just want you to listen to what I have to say, because if it was up to me, things would have ended differently.” You nodded, scooting yourself back the whole length of his bed to rest against his pillows on the headboard. When he took a glance back at you he couldn't help himself when the smile on his face appeared. You did just what you would do when the two of you were together. And that gave rafe hope.

“I-i miss you. I miss you alot Y/n.” He began, sniffing, you could tell the poor boy wasnt lying when he said he missed you. “I still think about you… every day- i-im um.. Sure you heard how i've been d-” you took a deep breath, remembering what you thought were rumors, but turned out they were true about Rafes relapse. 

“I miss you too Rafe.” you moved back next to him. Looking in his eyes. You hated knowing what you put him through. Even though it was in no way your fault. “And yes, I heard what happened.” You closed your eyes, nodding your head while putting your hand in his. “But that never made me think any less of you, you know that..” You whispered. Leaning your head onto his shoulder as his eyes then shut, tears sleeping out of them.

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Taglist - @joselyn001

(DM or comment to be added to my tag list.)

5.21.23

@ starkeyletters 2023