#and i cleaned myself the best i could god i hate this fucking mental illness

[kyorru-remade]

GOD why do i make bad decisions

[system-of-a-feather]

By the way, do whatever cringey shit it takes to cope in the healthiest way possible and make decisions in your best interest.

Like this body has a horrendous oral fixation, and Aderis and myself have really bad impulse control when we are stressed + an really strong drive to use substances which our body has actually managed to very well dodge solely because we have obsessive, control freak, super stressed and anxious parts for better or worse. It's something I used to hate the fuck out of and think was excessive but thinking on it, its definitely a good idea cause we have 0 resistance against any form of addiction and very easily develop psychological dependence on things that aren't even chemically addictive, so like 100% if we were to dip our toes into that, it could easily be an avalanche

Even said, specifically for me, the urge to start smoking is stupid hard to deal with a lot of the time between my very very very intense oral fixation, my impulsive short sighted "funny and aesthetic" brain, and the fact I'm a mentally ill traumatized bitch and like, ever since I've been back and aware of myself I've been like "I REALLY want to smoke" and everyone in the system being like "NO." and then them chucking me a different chew toy to help redirect that urge and energy

But at a certain point our crackhead child (little, nickname) grabbed a tooth pick to chew on or something I forget, and my brain fucking clicked that it very deeply itched the exact need and feeling my brain needed almost perfectly without actually having the chemical shit. And a lot of the time when I'm chewing on one, I'll unintentionally and without thinking of it, handle it like a cig because my brain just substitutes the psychological itch.

My "predecesor" in the system (aka Aderis) had a similar issue with drinking and while mine came more intuitively, but she figured out in early middle school that since we had no access to alcohol and "would die" if we tried, she just pretended Dr Pepper cans and bottles were booze and told herself it was a depressant that numbed and calmed shit down. To this day, Dr Pepper post-breakdown mostly actually mellows us out and lowers anxiety which is wild since Dr Pepper has caffeine which is supposed to do the opposite

And yeah, is it cringe for someone to act as if a tooth pick is a cigarette? Yeah, is it cringe for someone to act and treat Dr. Pepper like its alcohol? Yeah. But is it better to be "not cringe" or cringe and not slipping down a really unhealthy slope?

Not saying its bad to have picked up the habits or to have substance use issues - god no. That shits complicated, rough, and honestly - if it wasn't for the fact that the system has done an amazing job keeping the body clean - probably would use them myself.

But like, main point is that fucking like. Be cringe if that helps you live a healthier life and / or a life closer to what you want.

People can call me a cringe edgelord wanna be for how I handle my toothpicks, cause I really don't care about 1) being an edgelord beyond the meme and 2) don't really care what people say about that cause I do this cause it makes me feel good and helps me think and process shit better and I'd rather have a psychological dependence to toothpicks than I would to tobacco and nicotine. If someone has an issue with that, thats their problem.

[bishopsbelova]

you don't hate kim?

That's a very loaded question with a yes and no answer. And like I beg you to bare with me before y'all get your pitchforks and shit.

When I was younger and watched the episodes for the first time, oh yeah definitely. The older I get, the more I've rewatched and the more I tend to over analyze fucking everything now days. I can't.

The facts are:

Kim's the baby sister. And as a younger sister myself, (granted I've never done anything to that extent), when you fuck up you expect your older siblings to be there to catch you. And from what we know in canon; Amanda has always been there to clean up Kim's messes. And I think Kim just started assuming Amanda would always do it.

They both grew up in the same toxic and abusive household - though with the age difference between them (Idk what it is; but it has to be like 4-5 years at least) and the fact that Kim clearly has a very different opinion on their father than Amanda does - Amanda had to have shield Kim from everything as best as she could.

Considering Amanda went to college and grad school - it seems safe to assume that she got out of that house as quickly as she could. And probably cut contact except when necessary. Kim never got out, and I guess it's also safe to assume, homegirl didn't exactly run in the right circles.

Kim went years not knowing she was mentally ill. Girl was literally taking bipolar meds. Not only that, she's also suffering from a drug addiction - that's a disease. Thanks Jim for fucking up all three of them.

Kim was in an abusive relationship for however long. And we know Jeff was physically abusive; but we don't know if he was also mentally or emotionally abusive and he very well could have been.

It's also canon that for the short amount of time Kim was staying with Amanda in season 18, she had her shit together. Then she disappears again and doesn't show up for years and she has a kid? And she's back addicted to drugs.

I so much fucking hate the stunts she pulled with Jeff and the insurance policy and getting Amanda arrested. And then just jacking her entire fucking apartment. And even rewatching it pisses me off so much; but even now, I can't force myself to hate Kim.

Shit I'm at the point in life, where I hope to god she can get clean, stay clean and keep her shit together. And I think under the right influence and circumstances, she very well could.

[mskimkaty]

I AM THAT GIRL

angst, slight fluff, smut

WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, MENTAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE, SELFHARM, DRAMA, SMUT, VANILA SMUT, SWEARING, KIM JENNIE IS A BITCH HERE AND SO OTHER MENTION REAL LIFE PEOPLE BUT ITS PURELY FICTIONAL.

synopsis:Johnny Suh, the most popular boy in college, tried to take his life? what could possibly go wrong with his wealthy background, popularity, and basically having everything in the palm of his hands?

expected word count: 12,692

release date: 01/18/21 (somehow, got deleted. so Im reposting)

details: college!au, strangers to friends to lovers!au.

JohnnySuh x reader.

Johnny Suh walked the hallways in his college ground and not one passerby gives him the freedom to do his business. Students give him a look of pity, as acquaintances try to give him fake words of comfort that disgustingly crawls at the back of his skin.

They were just into the gossip, but they never really care. It was obvious from how they whisper behind his back for looking out of place and out of character, he could see their mocking gazes every time he walks past them.

he pulled his hood up and covered his old blonde hair now dyed into jet black, the usual smile plastered on his lips was now in a tight line and was placed the usually friendly demeanor with a scowl on his face.

people are staring, not in a good way, but because he looks ridiculous in their minds.

"Youngho, if you need anything, I'd gladly do it for you." Johnny heard his Korean name roll of someone's lips and now he feels disgusted with himself for the 9th time that day, he was back to zero and the acid rushes past his throat and he might vomit with the anxiety building up in the pit of his stomach upon hearing his birth name. He halts his movements and turns around to face Kim Jennie.

How does she have the nerve to say that when she cheated on him with Jongin? He treated him like a brother. Her hands travel on his biceps, the usual warmth he felt in the past now buried at the back of his memories, and now, he's just disgusted with her. He ignored her and continued walking past her, Jennie's peers were instantly beside her to console her with words of comfort because her ex-lover practically brushes her off like she was nothing.

You didn't expect a drama unfolding in front of you while standing in your locker area, Christmas break was finally over, and now students are back putting their noses in other people's business. Especially, Johnny Suh's business.

You shrugged your shoulders and walks back to your class, this is definitely a way to start your first day at this University.

Johnny sat at the far back of the room, sporting unusual dark clothing rather than the usual light colors of his wardrobe, the professor walks in, shaking his head upon seeing him at the back completely not understanding how Johnny's mind works.

Johnny knows, just by the look his professor is giving at him, he knew and have seen that twice already — he couldn't control the urge to stand up harshly making the chair he was using falls down to the ground as he walks to the door not bothering to look back, stunning everybody in the room.

When Johnny came back to school after his attempt, he felt more pulled down in the darkest pit inside him, he was unhappy more than he did when he was attempting. The funny part? when people knew about his attempt, people started flocking around him as they cared, but it was obvious. They just wanted to be with him because of his surname and money.

Even Jennie did not differ from the other students trying to impress him. The sad part about it is that he genuinely liked her, but she was just up for it because of the money and fame, and maybe the good fuck. His friends were no different, people might think that he's happy being the captain of the football team, but his life was toxic with every moment. He was in more pain than ever, his friends who were his teammates low-key discarded him thinking he's a freak saying he needed to seek attention.

Johnny knew that they weren't practically saying that to his face, but they were showing it.

They weren't wrong, he knew that, but it was different. They were all trying to impress him, worshiping the ground he walks on and now he's on the rocky side of the road, they drop him? because their parents told them to?

Johnny empties his locker, blindly shoving everything in his duffle bag when his best friend, Kim Jongin, walks inside. He hardly shoved everything inside his bag and harshly closed his locker's door, scowling at the older boy.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" he heard him. "This isn't you at all, why are you suddenly changing? Johnny, I already said I'm sorry." that's the ugly fact. People around him are blind enough not to notice the slight changes in him and the little signs that he wasn't mentally stable.

"This isn't an apology. You're asking me to suck it up. It's Different."

Lunch came and Johnny has nowhere to go, not with all the pity looks the student body is giving him, he had a take-out for his meal and had his lunch alone in an empty room. deciding he has no appetite to eat something, he walked out of the building and drove out to Nakamoto Yuta's basement. He's supposed to be dead two weeks before this day, but here he was, seeking for Yuta's dirty business.

"Johnny Suh." Nakamoto Yuta was known for his dirty business around campus, selling overpriced illegal transactions under the table, tattoos, and piercing. "Stop talking like I'm some god. No god would try to kill himself."

"figures."

"I don't understand, how are you still in the university and not behind bars?" Johnny asks after taking a long drag on his blunt.

"This is the only way to have food on the table, and I need to graduate. I rather do these than sell my body."

Sadly enough when Johnny checked his phone, no calls or messages from his parents. As cliche as it sounds, he wants his father to check on him but after seeing him in his room bathed in his blood on the ground, his father drifted more away from him.

When he got home that night, his family was having dinner without him, his younger sister, Yerim, ran up to him and hugged him. "Oppa, where have you been? I've been calling you." his sister was the only purest being for him, and he distances himself around her, he doesn't want him to expose her to things that only he knew.

"Yerim, go to your room." the impersonal voice of their father surrounds the dining area and Yerim flinch. looking up to his eyes before walking away.

Kim Ji hoon walks up to him and looks at him with disdain. "Stop being a disgrace, If you can't act like your invisible. I don't need a disgrace in this house." It wasn't new to Johnny anymore.

His father may not be vocal about it in the past but he knew that his father doesn't want him to breathe the same air he does, if God may allow it, he knows that his father wanted him dead, he wanted his father to acknowledged him, and he did everything, that was when Johnny was kissing up to his reputation of being the good son, ace-ing all his grades, being the captain of the football team, doing unnecessary extracurricular activities for extra points, being the good boyfriend, good friend, good son, and a good brother, but it was all too much for him, he felt that he was borrowing someone's life to the point that he doesn't recognize him anymore.

His father hated him so much that he didn't even give him his last name, and the ugly part about it is that Johnny understood his father because he was the reason his mother died. "You can't even do one thing properly, and now everyone living in this town knows about you killing yourself."

"Are you saying that I didn't properly kill myself?" he wanted to vomit. He chuckled as he ran his hands down his locks. "Go fuck yourself," he murmured and walk down to the guest room where he was temporarily sleeping, his step-mother hasn't asked the helpers to clean his room's carpet that is still bathed in his blood, he looked at his wrist that is covered in a bandage, the ugly reminder that he was unhappy and that there is no saving from this anymore. Finding the reason to wake up was hard enough and going to school was another thing, but he did anyway.

People still gossip behind his back, ugly as it sounds, people are disgustingly twisted. He smirked upon hearing he still looked hot as fuck with black hair, one student saying she would gladly do him, blonde or black.

"Jennie must have cheated knowing that he's a freak."

"hey, he might hear you, lower your voice."

"He needs to seek professional help."

"I don't understand him at all. His popular, his ex-girlfriend was fucking hot, he's rich, has great looks, and has a hella hot of a sister." something snapped inside him when he heard some asshole talked disgustingly about his sister.

Before he could even think properly, Johnny repulsively pushed the guy up to the wall. "The hell!" the stranger shouted as the other students stop to stare.

"Did you fucking talked about my sister like that?"

People are staring not because of an aggressive man pushing a full-grown body against the wall like it's nothing. it's not uncommon to see a fistfight for the entire student body to see, people are staring because, Johnny Suh, for once stunned everybody with his demeanor that is completely out of his character. Yes, he is a big guy, but he was kind, sweet, and friendly, so Johnny using force for the first time against someone was a sight to see, added to the fact that this is the first time people heard him cursing, and If eyes could kill already, the guy who talked shit about his sister is practically dead right now, he would brush it off in the past, blindly ignoring gossip about him but this is the first time that someone disrespects his sister right in front of his face and definitely, it is the first time that he gave less fuck about his reputation.

Johnny stared at the man that lacks the urge to answer him, him sending shivers down the stranger's spine. He manhandled the guy and throw him down the floor. "You had the nerve to run that filthy mouth against my sister but doesn't have the balls to answer when I'm confronting you?" he smirked and walked away.

Johnny spent the whole week going to the university but doesn't bother attending his classes, he doesn't want to be left alone at home but doesn't want to go to his classes. He just lost every motivation to do something productive.

Johnny walked his usual path these past few days, going to an empty room on the 4th floor of the Marketing's building to kill time, he gently pushed open the door and saw you changing your clothes. You were almost done, putting your white dress shirt over your shoulder without noticing that you're giving a stranger a free show.

Johnny freezes up, staring and lingering more than usual. He was mesmerized by how your skin glistens under the light slipping through the windows, but what made him stop on his track is the lack of hair you have in your body. It's just smooth skin all over your body.

When you felt someone behind you, you turn your body around to look at the intruder, you saw someone and instantly locked eyes with him. At first, you were scared of seeing Suh Johnny behind you, Johnny got a full view of your unbuttoned shirt and your chest clad in your undergarments. it's not like you saw a ghost, he didn't die per se, but then it has drawn to you, that Johnny, in the flesh, saw you changing clothes. Your reflex acts up and you turn yourself away from him, pulling your clothes to hug yourself, you fix your buttons as you run out to get out of the embarrassment.

The next day, you went to your usual spot in the library to eat your lunch when you saw somebody sitting on your chair. You shrug your shoulders and sit across the stranger who had his head tucked in his arms on the table. You were excited to eat your favorite sandwich because your mother specially made it for you, it was a rare moment given your mother raised you and your sibling alone, having to work two jobs at a time just to put food on the table and to send you to a good school. You appreciate her and love her with all your heart, she was the only one you had next to your older brother, you were good at being invisible, it was your last semester at the university. Trying to finish one subject and your practicum silently like you didn't exist at all. You laughed at the fact that you had no one in this damn hell, but you didn't care.

You started eating your sandwich in silence while opening a good book to read, you were happy in your bubble. Johnny must have heard you as you flip pages after pages. His stomach growling after registering the wonderful smell coming from his surroundings. When he lifts his head, his eyes flicked to your form, silently eating while reading a book, you were so happy in your little bubble, giggling while reading. He straightens his back and you notice the guy across you, putting a face in the stranger who sleeps across you.

A blush crept up on your face when you realize it was Johnny again, you remembered the recent events that happened between the both of you, and your embarrassed ass started coughing hard, you hold your neck rather than reaching for the bottled water in front of you as you choke none stop in front of him. He was left dumbfounded for a couple of seconds but reach for the bottle and unclasp it before handing it to you, you chugged half the contents down your throat and he watched you with fascination.

"Thank you." You said in a small voice.

You put the bottle back in its place as silence hangs in the air, it wasn't a bad kind of silence, but it was awkward. You offer him the other half of your sandwich as you watch him look at you questioningly. "Your hungry." It wasn't a question. You knew he was hungry given you kept hearing his stomach growling a while ago. "You know a little food won't hurt you right?"

Johnny laughs at your ironic statement but accepts your offer anyway, "Don't get your hopes up, I'm not up for a casual relationship." he says as you thought that he wouldn't accept your offer, given that he's rich and can buy a much better lunch than what you're currently having, but then again, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

"I was just offering you food."

"Thanks." When he finished your sandwich rather quickly, he went back to sleeping in front of you. He liked hearing the sound of you flipping pages after pages as you read your book silently in front of him and the occasional giggle you let out when read something funny. When he woke up to go home, you were gone, but you left your coat as you hung it around his shoulders to keep him warm.

When he came back the day after, in the library, you didn't come back.

The next morning, Johnny awoke earlier than usual, heading to his car without giving a glance at his family, Yerim saw him and was rather puzzled at the baby pink coat he was holding delicately in his arms. He drove fast to get to the university, walking inside the library to wait for you if ever you were going to be there again.

Lunch came, and your guess was right, you see the same blacked haired boy taking a nap in your usual spot with your coat right beside him. You sat across him again and started minding your business, but this time, you had another bag of sandwiches repaired for him. You weren't ignorant about Johnny's attempt, but you choose to respect his space, you knew that he wasn't mentally stable yet. He might look fine outside and you might not know what goes inside his head, but you knew that he isn't fine. No one's mentally stable, everybody has their hardships in their private lives going on right now, but the important thing is that people shouldn't use it against someone, and as long as they don't step on other people to feel better for themselves then it's good.

You might not understand what he's going through right now, you weren't friends, to begin with, but you feel for him. Sincerely.

Johnny felt peaceful for once after many years, it was an odd feeling, but it wasn't bad. You were browsing your phone, checking your emails and your mother's, clearing and archiving unimportant ones. You look at the time and it was already half past lunchtime. Wednesday is a pain in the ass for you, you have to wait for 5 hours until your next class in the afternoon. You didn't notice Johnny waking from his nap, seeing as you still haven't touched the sandwich bags in front of you, he's guessing you still haven't eaten.

"I'm Johnny."

You look at the man in front of you, his usual strawberry locks are now turned into black, sporting a gray hoodie over his black shirt and matching gray track pants. You study his expression, his not extending his hands for a handshake nor his face valid of any emotion, yet you smile and said "What happened to not being in a casual relationship?"

Johnny was taken back, you give him the sweetest smile you could offer and handed him the extra sandwich you had, "You know, some people would reply with their names." he said as he accepts the food that you offered, you look at him as if contemplating before speaking.

"Y/n"

"I'm not sure, but what department are you from?" he asked after taking a bite of his food. "This is good, by the way. Who made this?"

"What question do you want me to answer first?" you asked laughing. "My mom made it, and I'm from the same department as you, Though, I just transferred to this school after the Holidays,

If he was shocked he didn't show it, Johnny nods his head as if acknowledging you, "I just want time to pass by quickly and silently, that's why no one knows I exist here. I'm just trying to live another day until I graduate." You said making Johnny fall silent.

"Good for you," he replied after a good minute with the both of you munching on your foods. "Was it hard?" he asked.

"What is?"

"You don't seem to have anyone, do you even have friends?" you laughed at his statement because it was the truth. "Yeah, something like that. It wasn't that bad I might have no friends because I choose not to have any relationships with anybody in here."

"That sucks, I'm not going to ask the reason why you transferred in the middle of the semester because that's your business, not mine," he says, you study his face and you weren't sure whether to run your mouth over his business or not, deciding against it you stood up and take your things with you. "Let me show you something."

Walking down the stairs while both of you kept a little distance, you lead him to the visual room, pulling the keys in your backpack and unlocking it. "Why do you have a key to the AVR?" he asks bewildered.

"Perks of being the teacher's pet," you replied as you pulled him inside, turning the computer and projector on, you played a video about constellations and aimed the projector above.

Stars hover above the two of you and you urge him to lay down beside you, looking up and taking a moment of peace to embrace both of you.

"When things get hard and I tend to be alone; let's be honest, no one wants to feel lonely, especially at the hardest times of our lives. But then, you can't force someone to be there with you physically and emotionally and it sucks to have yourself suck it up for being alone. So, I do this, I take my time staring at these constellations. You see, they're really beautiful to me. I find them fascinating, they have this beautiful meaning behind them, it was always fun finding their patterns, connecting them until they're complete, you just have to look closely, in that way, you'll appreciate them more." you smile while pointing above you, he might not look at you but your presence beside him does him wonders, it was so powerful that even if he closes his eyes, he still feels you beside him. The warmth he was feeling coming from you, your steady breathing, and your sweet scent.

You spent your Mondays and Wednesdays with Johnny, eating lunch together, or spending time as you watch different constellations every week.

Friday morning, you made a quick detour to your department before clocking in for your practicum, before leaving the premises a professor asked you for a favor and you agreed to make a copy of the files she was asking for. When you came back from the printing room, you saw a commotion ahead. It wasn't you to pry on other people's business, but your legs must have their mind when you saw a familiar tall build that is clad in a black hoodie.

Johnny Suh stands in the middle with Kim Jongin and Kim Jennie on the other side. He was hyperventilating.

"Just leave, please." Kim Jongin shouted at him, you can see the obvious horror written on everyone's faces. Kim Jennie was stuck beside Jongin as she shed tears silently, disbelief written in Johnny's face.

"Do you know what went wrong? it's because you were never enough." Jennie drops the bomb for everyone to hear, Johnny was livid. If he could crush everything that he could see he would take the chance and do it. If he could take his life again, he wouldn't give a single fuck and he'll gladly do it.

"I can't believe you both. I wasn't the one who cheated with my best friend, why the fuck do you act like it's my fault?" you heard Johnny said and for the first time your heart broke for him.

You found him in your usual spot in the library, his head hanging low and his body shaking as he tries to catch his breath. You drop your coat over his head and give him the bottle of water you were holding, instead of sitting across him, you sat next to him without overstepping and respecting his space to cool down.

When he started to calm down, he handed your coat back to you, stood up, and left the library. Saying you were dumbfounded was an understatement but you choose to understand him.

Days passed by and Johnny was still a no show. When a week has already passed without seeing Johnny, you started to get worried. You wished you asked for his number, but then again, you weren't even that close, to begin with. You decide to spend your long-vacant in the visual room, playing random constellations as you think about a certain boy.

When that certain boy suddenly appeared right in front of you. "I'm sorry." He had his hands inside his grey sweatpants.

"What matters is that you came."

Johnny joined you on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, after a moment of silence, he spoke up. "Why did you help me? why do you even care about me at all? I'm a mess."

"Aren't we friends?" You asked even though it was clear that he turned your offer of friendship down a while ago.

"What you said about the constellations earlier made me realize how I took myself for granted and at the same time how ungrateful I am."

You look at him and give him the chance to speak up. "I didn't have the will to live, do you know that you are annoyingly optimistic about everything?" He jokingly asked, and you laughed with him.

"Is that a compliment or what?"

"I still don't have a reason to be here." He suddenly says. Johnny looks at your face as if reading you, he was prepared to see you pitying him but there was none.

"You don't have to look for it. You have yourself because, at the end of the day, you only got your own back," you turn to him as you give him a look. Johnny envied you, it was obvious, and you can read him like an open book. "Don't, don't look at me like that, Johnny Suh." the way his name rolled down your tongue felt flawless, as if you were born to say his name out loud.

"We all have our shortcomings, I'm not perfect nor are people around me, no one is, and we have to accept that fact, give less care about people who can't accept that."

"It's not as easy as it seems," Johnny says, your hand brushing back the stray hair that falls on his forehead as if your hand has a mind of its own. "Sorry-"

"It's fine. I like it." Both of you turn towards the ceiling as you continue to watch the stars, keeping the comfortable silence and just hang around each other.

For weeks, spending time in the library and the visual room to watch the stars has been your thing with Johnny Suh, you couldn't even imagine being friends with the likes of him, you view him as a constellation star, he's mysterious behind his disguise as he tends to fool everyone with, he was hard to reach and was always up above you, he brightens the surroundings like how the stars brighten the night sky, for you, he was more than the famous campus boy that everybody likes, even if he can't realize that.

Weeks passed by and you look forward to your Mondays and Wednesdays than the fact that you are graduating.

You were busy transferring your books to your backpack as you stand in front of your locker when Johnny came to you. "I didn't know we have the same classes."

You were stunned when you saw him talking to you in the open, students started looking in your way as if seeing a history. The most known guy in the University is with a nobody, but you shrugged it anyway as you closed your locker's door. You bite back at your tongue with all the attention you were getting, anxiety creeping out to you but you choose to ignore it.

"You weren't even attending your classes," you told him as you fix your backpack, the both of you started walking, keeping the same slow pace and taking your time.

"Well, I now have a reason, at least," he says as he grabs the strap of your bag and slings it in his shoulder. You ignore the bubbly feeling inside you and continued walking. Smiling at yourself as you forget about the stares around you.

"You're so cheesy, Suh Johnny." You giggled at him and for the first time, you saw a genuine smile creeping on his face.

When Lunch came, both of you sat outside to enjoy the sunny weather. "I'm going to start my Practicum next week," Johnny told you suddenly, and you stood up so fast to walk around the table to hug him.

"I'm so glad!" the sincere happiness is written on your face that even Johnny laughs with you.

"Thanks to you, I feel like, there's more to it than ending my life at the age of 21," he says and you shake your head at him.

"No, I didn't do anything. It's mostly you. I'm just here beside you to guide you, but it's your own will."

"I'll be honest with you, hurting myself still runs on my head but the difference this time is, I'm scared to do it." you didn't know what to reply to that so you just extend your hands towards his and hold it firmly in your grasp.

The rest of your day went ahead without you noticing, time flies by rather quickly when you are with Johnny. You stood waiting for your bus to arrive when a black Audi stops in front of you. Its windows rolling down and you see Johnny peeking through the window to smile at you.

"You want to wait for your bus or be logical and save time?" you laugh at his way of asking you for a ride but walk towards the passenger to join him in his car otherwise. The car ride was rather chaotic, you were debating about what to put first, milk or cereal, and you felt the horrors when Johnny says he puts milk in first. He was laughing like a child at how horrified you look.

"Anything's fine with me. I put whatever in first," he says after a long minute of arguing.

"I'm telling you, not to live like that!" you argue back. "Cereal comes first and then milk goes in, just imagine, do you pour the soap first before the water? it's water before the soap!" you explained and he laughs at how rilled up you get.

The argument was cut off when you arrived at your house. Johnny parked his car in front of your house and for some reason, your mother came in wearing an apron over her clothes. She raises an eyebrow at the unknown car blocking her driveway and you look at Johnny who looks back at you.

"Your mother is intimidating." He says.

"Want to come over for dinner?" you ask, and It took him a second before responding, " You think that's a good idea?"

"Come on, Mr. Suh, grow some balls, it's just my mom." Johnny looks offended at your statement.

"I have balls that girls flock around with," he retorted. You sigh and open the passenger seat greeting your mom with a smile as you ran to hug her.

"Can my friend stay for dinner?" you asked after hugging her. Johnny is behind you as he introduced himself as your friend and your mother shocked him by giving him a warm hug.

"There's still room for another boy in my house, I believe, it's no problem." Your mother stated as Johnny gives you a confused glance. Your mother invited him in and you welcomed him.

Inside, your older brother, Taeil is strumming his guitar with three other guys in the living room. "Oh, This is my Brother, Taeil." you casually said at him as you hung both of your jackets.

"You didn't tell me you have a brother." He whispered at you, standing awkwardly beside you. Taeil waved at him and you push him to sit beside Jaehyun.

"This is Jaehyun, Doyoung, and Ten. They're all bandmates during high school so they're always here for my brother," you explained. "And your mother's cooking." Ten added.

"Well, now you know," You said as you turn to him. "Let me just go to my room and freshen up real quick, just make yourself feel at home," you say as you back up on your track. "Cool."

Johnny didn't feel out of place for some reason, he was really happy that he got to meet your brother and his bandmates, they were cool to be around. They entertained him and ask what were his hobbies are and for the first time, he took his time to think about what he likes to do. He likes to draw.

When dinner was served, all the boys helped your mother to set up the table, Johnny was persistent in helping even after telling him to sit and wait because he was a guest. You let him help otherwise.

Dinner was well spent, he enjoyed talking with everyone and your mother even asks him to visit anytime he wants. Taeil takes a liking to him, asking him to hang out whenever he's free. Johnny presented to do the dishes and you helped him when he was done his shirt was a total mess because of the water splashing through the faucet, a good thing is that your brother has some clothes that are way oversized for him, and he lets Johnny use them.

You handed him the shirt, accidentally seeing a huge bruise on his chest and stomach, before you knew it, you stop him as he was about to put his shirt on. "What happened?"

His bruises must have slipped his mind and he mentally cursed himself at it. You were horrified. "Johnny, are you getting beat up?"

"I don't want to talk about this," he pulled his shirt down "Y/n, It's getting late. I should head home now. Thank you for dinner, I enjoyed it." and before you know it, Suh Johnny was gone.

Weeks passed by and Johnny was a complete no show. Faint rays of the sun trickled down through your curtains and fell on your room's marbled floor, you look up at your window and were blinded by the light, sitting up, you let your feet hovered on your marbled floors and mentally prepare yourself for the day.

In the office, your instructor asked you to copy some files and you gladly agreed to do it as you don't have much going on for the time being. You thought that it was hard doing your practicum, but all you did at the office was run errands evolving the x-ray machine. Your mind drifted back to Johnny, you'll have to talk to him. Being worried about him is already killing you and the last time you saw him was three weeks ago.

Wednesday came and you sat at your usual spot in the library, studying for the upcoming exams as you patiently wait for the tall black-haired guy. You forced yourself to do some actual studying but for some reason, all you can think about was Suh Johnny who didn't even show up.

The week passed by in a blur and on Thursday you went to your University to take the exam, you were scheduled for the second batch, and instead of your usual schedule of Wednesday, your professor divided your class into two batches.

You weren't even aware that your exams already finished as you were walking to your locker to put away some books.

You understood that Johnny had issues and you hated that you can't do anything to help him. You would do anything for him if that means for the comfort inside him and his peace of mind. You might not know the reason for his depression but everyone has a reason and you know that everybody around you has some issues going on in their private lives. You look around, seeing other students do their thing, minding their own business, some are even bored and waiting for their exams, You saw Jennie and Jongin together looking at you with disgusted faces that you shrugged off.

Johnny saw you as you mindlessly walk your way to the visual room, and he followed behind you silently, as he looks over his ex-girlfriend and ex-best friend. He realized he never really had a connection with Jennie before, they were both just into the sex, and then it gets awkward when they started to talk.

You were already done setting the projector up, walking in the center to lay down when you heard someone entered, and when you saw Johnny at the entrance of the room, his hands on his sweatpants pocket as he gives you a look, you stood up and ran to give him a big hug. You shed tears for him, as you give him a tight hug.

"Why are you crying?" he asked.

"Aren't we friends?" You asked him as you hold him in your arms. "Friends share their pains. So, I'll be here. I just want you to know that I'll be here when you needed someone to be there with you." Johnny fought his tears but who was he kidding? He yearns for someone's affection and not because of who he was but because it was him. And this time, he finally had someone to share his pains with. People already viewed him as someone going on a phase, probably someone rebelling against his parents but Johnny was more than that. He didn't care about it, though. He learned to give less fuck about insignificant people around him.

"My father used to beat me up, Football was just an excuse to cover up these bruises." He admitted. He was disgusted and embarrassed about it. But it was you, and he knows that you're not one to judge someone based off on their appearances.

You shed more tears for him. "Johnny, You don't deserve that, no one deserves that," you say caressing his cheeks. You hated the cheesy statement but you ignore it anyway, what you were feeling at the moment isn't important. Johnny was opening up to you.

The two of you manage to have time off from the university and Practicum. (Johnny started his practicum last, last week, that's why he was MIA most of the time, that time.) Johnny was hanging out at your house, the problem was, your mother and brother are both at work, so you take it to yourself that being alone with him, at your house, is inappropriate. You drag him outside, leading the way to one of your favorite diners.

"I am telling you, you're going to regret that," you said.

"What's wrong with what I ordered?" Johnny did this little thing in his nose, and you take a moment to look at him as you smile at him. You ignore the stares around you, feeling like a sore thumb sticking and obviously, out of place. Johnny scowl at the man who was drunk out of his wits, shamelessly checking you out. This wasn't the first time, this always happened, but not to you though. You told him to ignore it, that man was probably in here to order a cup of coffee.

"Their chicken and waffles here are the best! I'm telling you, I'm not going to share with you."

One pout of his lips towards you and you were switching your plates towards Johnny. You told him, only because this was the first time that he got to try out your favorite dish, and there won't be a second chance in the future. Johnny was kind enough to share a piece of waffle with you. But not the chicken, though. He fell head over heels for it.

Bit by bit, Johnny's walls crumbled down around you, and before you knew it, both of you are inseparable. Johnny dating you spread like wildfire around campus, but there wasn't any truth behind that gossip, you were just a friend. Simple as that.

He was hanging more lately with your brother than you expected. Both of them have the same interest, so it wasn't a surprise when Johnny befriended most of your brother's friends.

Johnny was going on about how Jaehyun's a chill guy, Mark, and Donghyuck introducing him to play games, even Yuta, the University's drug dealer, as they brand him, was included in Taeil's group of friends.

"You didn't tell me that you knew Nakamoto Yuta," Johnny whispered behind you.

"Yeah, For some reason, I didn't want to get involved with most of them. Some girls are crazy about them and I just want peacefulness as I end my college years." You answered. Yuta was from the same department, Jaehyun was from the same university but was taking a different course, as well as Doyounga and Taeyong. Mark and Haechan still need a year before attending college. Ten was studying arts and your brother was a college dropout.

You were having pizza night at your house, your mother was kind enough to accommodate a bunch of men in her tiny house, seemingly impossible to fit 13 men inside, but it did. Instead of the usual party that frat houses and rich kids throw around, Taeil and the others like to keep it to themselves. Sharing one shot glass and downing a cheap rum as everybody waits for their turn. Most of them didn't think that Johnny would be fine with this kind of setup. Besides, he was branded as the campus king and a rich heir at that. He could spend Friday nights at some high-end bar and drink expensive alcohol. But no, instead, here he was, sitting on the cheap carpet your mother owns with a bunch of drunk men but you were glad that your brother is such a nice guy and so are his peers.

Johnny was glad, that he found true people, who accepts him for who he is and not because of who he was.

Doyoung placed you on the empty sofa, you have a low tolerance for alcohol, and you can't keep up with them anymore. The cheapest drink Taeyong bought isn't of cheap quality, you knew better than to judge a bottle chosen by him. You watch them with heavy eyelids, smiling at yourself, Mark and Donghyuck made fun of you by putting thick blankets around you and this was the first time Johnny saw you annoyed by the younger boys.

When Morning came, you were already on your bed as your head pounds. When you came downstairs to leave for school you look around and saw that last night's trace was gone as if 13 grown men didn't make a mess out of your mother's living room.

You wished you had gotten a coffee first when you entered your room way too early and saw that most of the students are yet to arrive, even water would be good, anything liquid down your throat would be good.

You saw Jaehyun and Johnny bidding farewells at the front of the room, students who were present to see the two interacting were shocked, for them, It was rare to see Johnny without his usual crew. But, who are they to decide that for Johnny? It was a rare sight to see, A popular music major and the famous ex-football captain, together?

When Johnny approached his spot beside you, he gives you the cold Iced latte he was holding fresh from Starbucks, completely ignoring unwanted stares behind his back.

"Good Morning," there was a warm aura surrounding him as he settled down beside you, and you look at him in awe. "What?" he asks.

You watched him for a moment, smiling at him as he looks at you questionably. "You're happy," you stated making Johnny pause for a second to think, he was sporting a baby pink hoodie and grey Nike pants, holding his Earpods and Macbook at the other hand. "I think I might be getting there."

Your heart swells up for him and as you fought back the tears that wanted to fall. Johnny reached out to you, wiping the strands of hair that keep falling on your face. "Sorry," you said. People might think that yesterday, Johnny was trying to end his life, and then suddenly, he was okay, because he never was, and you continuously walk on a thin thread around him, Johnny is like a ticking bomb and porcelain that needs to be handled with the utmost care. Five months ago, Johnny doesn't have the motivation to continue living his life, but here he was thriving to know what tomorrow can offer him.

For Johnny, meeting you was his saving grace, problems might fill up in his life, there is this constant reminder that society will always judge him the minute he does something wrong, there is his father, his stepmother who doesn't really pay attention to him, his old life and old self constantly reminding him the pain of the past.

"What happened to your eyes?" there were dark circles under his eyes and for a moment you thought that he has a lot in his mind to think about for the lack of sleep.

"I stayed up till dawn playing overwatch with Donghyuck and Mark last night." He says smiling.

"I'm glad your settling with the boys all right." Johnny watched you, how your long hair flow past your shoulders through your back, he loves the little freckles dancing all over your cheeks naturally and how a touch of pink creeps in your cheeks naturally because of the humid air.

You were really glad. "Do you want to go with me and Ten?" He asks you when your classes ended for the morning, both of you walked to the library to hide from prying and malicious eyes. "He wants to hang out in the nearest coffee shop." he continued and you agreed to go with him, making a turn for the exit.

Johnny ordered an Americano for him and a latte for you, eating the packed lunch your mother made for you and Johnny as you wait for Ten.

Ten arrived with Jaehyun in tow, placing their bags down Jaehyun took the seat beside you while Ten walked to the counter to order their drinks. Johnny looked at you and Jaehyun but ignore the malice running in his head.

"Kim Yerim!" the three of you looked at the entrance to see Johnny's sister entering the cafe, Yerim waved at someone across their table and saw his sister's friend Park Sooyoung waving frantically. Johnny turned to look at you and Jaehyun ignoring his sister who started walking inside, "What happened to you?" he asks Jaehyun,

"Why?"

"You're turning really red." Johnny pointed out and you snickered at Jaehyun who turns to look at Johnny's sister absentmindedly. "Man, That's my sister!" Johnny whispered-shout at him as he fought the urge to laugh at Jaehyun. Someone definitely has a crush on his little sister.

You and Johnny eyed each other, laughing as you both understood telepathically. "What's so funny?" Ten asks when he arrived and the both of you laughed loudly this time.

"Hyung!" Jaehyun shouted at him his ears turning red.

When Johnny got home, he locked himself up in his room that his step-mother finally asked to clean. He was busy waiting for Donghyuck and Mark to play when he heard a knock on his door.

"Can I come in?" His step-mother asked. Yerim's mother is a great person, but that doesn't really mean that she's a good mother to both him and Yerim, he can't really judge her though, she's still young and living her dreams but then his father got her pregnant with Yerim and then here she is stuck at this hell of a household, all three of them under the strings of his father.

"Yes." He says.

Kim Ah-Jong walked inside, placing a warm cup of milk beside him for the first time, "Johnny," She started as he settled at the edge of Johnny's bed facing him. Johnny turns his chair to face her too, holding the warm mug in his hand to seek comfort in this awkward setting.

"I don't know how to start, but I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry," she paused for a second, ignoring the lump in her throat, "I hope you forgive me for replacing your mother's position, and that I'm really grateful because you love your sister more than anything even though you didn't have the same mother."

"It's the least that I could do." He says.

"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry if I failed you as a mother, I was busy finding myself to the point you and Yerim grow up without the right amount of affection from us. We're such horrible parents and I wanted to say sorry on behalf of your father. You don't deserve this, no one else did."

That night, Johnny slept soundly in his own home for the first time in a while.

Yerim was shocked to see her mom attending to his brother, it's as if she suddenly had a change of heart and finally started to be a mother to his brother. Her father was another problem, he still hasn't moved on from his son's attempt. Spitting atrocious words early in the morning making Johnny regret even joining the breakfast.

Kim Ah-jong had enough of his husband's wrath, it was still morning and his husband is starting to get on her nerves. She stabs her bread knife on their table as she turns her head towards him, "Is still early in the morning for the love of God, Kim Ji Hoon. Must you really ruin our morning?" she says.

Both Yerim and Johnny were stunned at her, their father shutting up in instant at the fear her wife would stab her.

Johnny and Yerim drive to the University that day together, "Oh, do you mind if we stop by at my friend's house? I promise to pick him up." Johnny asks and Yerim nodded.

Johnny smirked, he was excited to see Jaehyun's reaction.

Johnny pulled up in front of Jaehyun's apartment, sending him a message the was up in front of his building, after a minute, Jaehyun emerges from the entrance of the building running to get to his car with a tumbler in his other hand.

Johnny pulled the window down and Jaehyun saw Yerim first, he stopped midway, flustered that a girl was with his young, and It was no other than his sister. he played it cool and sat at the back.

"Oh, Yerim-ah, this is Jaehyun. He's my friend."

Jaehyun didn't expect her to turn around and bow her head down. "Thank you so much for taking good care of my brother."

Johnny became flustered with Yerim but laughed it off instead. Jaehyun bowed his head towards her saying it was nothing. Yerim was unaware of the looks she was getting from the older boy sitting at the back seat of his brother's car as Johnny keeps throwing playful glances at the back while he drove them to the school.

Graduation was already nearing, both you and Johnny were already finished with your practicum, Johnny was moving boxes towards his car, for some reason, his father allowed him to have his own flat, his step-mother saying that it would be the best for him and his mental health to have some space between them and that they should give him some time and space. His father was adamant at first but has nothing to do in the end.

"Just let him do what he wants, He's already graduating, with honors! He already did everything you wanted it's the least you could do for him." he heard his step-mother argue a while ago with his father. Johnny still had to go home every Sunday at the main house, though.

You and Taeil volunteered to help him with his moving and he was glad, to say the least. Yerim contacted you to do his groceries for him and the two of you left the older boys as you went to the market with Yerim.

Yerim was a cool young woman, she was matured for her own age, you learned that she was very frank at what she wants and that she loves her brother so much.

"I'm really glad my brother meet you," she says as she links her right arms with you, you were both walking to the parking lot, and you smiled at her blushing.

"Honestly, I never really liked his old friends. Jongin? Nope. Chanyeol? He's an asshole. Everyone in that damn team is an ass except for Sehun," she says as both of you entered the market, pulling a big cart in the process, and continued walking ahead. "You and your brother are surrounded by good people. Do you know that? And I'm kind of jealous of you, not that I don't have good friends, I do."

"Well, consider me someone you can be with so those good people will surround you too," you said smiling, Yerim giggled at you.

It took Johnny a week before really settling down in his apartment, he invited the guys over to have a small welcoming party, drinking and playing till the sun rises.

Johnny was busy typing at his laptop as you were both doing your last requirement for college, papers, and documents were all scattered around his living room when he turns his head to look at you. "Are you comfortable with those jeans?" He asks.

You look at your pants, it is uncomfortable.

"I don't have extra clothes," Johnny poked at his cheeks with his tongue, he stood up and went inside his room, when he came back he was holding clean boxer shorts. "You can use this if you want," he says as he extends his arms to you. You gladly took it and went to his bathroom to change.

Johnny thinks this was more dangerous than when he had blood oozing out of his wrist, you had your toned legs on display for him, and only him. It wasn't helping at all. Without knowing, he stared at your legs for a good minute, the urge of having his hands run along the lines of your thighs was becoming unbearable. He was amazed by the lack of hair you had around your arms and legs, was it liked that too with the parts your clothes have covered? He can't help the wild imaginations running around his head with the things he wants to do to you.

Johnny focused his attention back on the screen of his laptop. What the fuck is he even thinking? It's you, his fucking angel. How dare he have dirty thoughts about you. He mentally slaps himself and went back to typing.

You noticed Johnny having a mental crisis because of you and you silently laugh at him, extending your legs further to have your skin touch his thighs.

after hours of being productive with your work, You and Johnny decided to call it a night.

After a week of preparations for the upcoming finals, you and Johnny decided to meet up, the waiter placed both of your orders in front of you and Johnny, who give the waiter a small smile while uttering a quick "Thank you." You eyed Jhonny's food who looks somewhat more delicious than your Pesto Pasta. You don't even know why you ordered it, you never even tasted it before, you just want to— maybe, impress the guy in front of your table who were giving you obvious looks about the taste pallet you had which is definitely of a 13 Years old.

Johnny gives you a look while shaking his head, knowing all too well that you wanted a bite of it. Looking at you who's eyeing his barbeque bacon burger with fries on the side— It's usually what the two of you order and he was shocked that you ordered something out of the ordinary. He knew that you weren't the type of girl to go out of your comfort zone. You like what you usually eat, what you usually drink, and what type of clothing you usually wear. You are a very simple, young woman. You don't usually try things out of the blue, especially, when the two of you are both hungry.

Instantly, Johnny switched both plates. Giving you his food whilst saying a silent goodbye to the famous BBQ burger that he craves so much after winning a football game, which, he deserves. "What are you doing?" you asked shocked. You already saw him digging in and wincing at the taste. "Why the fuck would you even order this thing?" he asked.

You looked at the guy at the other table. You both were giving silent glances, he's good-looking and obviously from another school but you don't do other schools, that is the thing, you'd rather date someone from the same school, same department or same village. You don't like the hassle. People can go ahead and say your such a basic bitch, which in fact, you are. You finally give your full attention to Johnny who looks at his back to find some guy obviously ogling your face. That was the scariest thing in the world for him, guys ogling your face rather than your body, honestly, it was obvious from guys falling for your body— they just want to get in your pants, but guys who fall for your beauty is different.

You start digging in with your food. "This is the reason why I love you so much." You stated giving your burger a bite.

"Why would you even want to eat this." He says. You give him a chuckle as you extend your right arm towards him, offering him a bite of your burger, which he gladly took. "I'm sorry, I'm such a pain in the ass." You said.

"I kidnapped you in your after party and I'm so sorry, I didn't know Jennie's going to be there, and now you're eating something you don't even like. Man, you don't deserve this." You continued. Sincerely saying sorry towards him— picking a fry and dipping it on the ketchup provided at the side of your plate.

For some reason, Things work out for him and the team, It was going to be his last year playing, and the higher-ups decided for him to lead the team again, making Jongin lose face around the campus. It wasn't like before, It was expected, Johnny was just professional around them, leading them at the court and out of sight, after.

"What? No way. This is what I deserve. A peaceful dinner and finally having time with you." He says after biting at the toasted bread the pasta has. It was true though, Johnny was talking with Jennie again, well, but not exactly dating her, as students would say around campus. They dated, but that was that, he can't even imagine being good friends with someone who cheated on him, he was just being civil with her, ending things with a good note and leaving the better past behind him, and you haven't really had the chance to hang out together since their coach intensified their training hours and days, and right after that Johnny would hang out with your brother and the other guys.

"What did my brother say, though? with you being with me tonight? You guys are basically dating each other by now," you joked.

"Yeah, he's cool with it. Don't worry, I told him about our meeting before you actually kidnapped me." He gives you a smirk and you give him a confused look. "I was actually going to ask you for a dinner with me after the game." You rolled your eyes at him.

"Wow." You commented. You were practically like a twin at this rate. "Can I ask you something, though?" Johnny didn't know whether to ask because he was curious or just wait for you to open up to him, for some reason, Johnny felt naked around you. You knew everything about him, you have him wrapped around your pretty little fingers "What if I don't want to?" You countered and he scoffed.

"What was the reason you transferred? you only had a year to finish before graduating," Your face fell and he instantly saw how your face contorted into a frown. "Why are you making that face?" he asked.

"I had a bad break up to the point that I was destroying myself." You finally said like it was nothing. Johnny stopped everything that he's doing, giving you a look as if asking why. He felt like an idiot. How can he? at your worst time? "I'm such a horrible friend." He says.

"It's not your fault, and I'm even sorry that I didn't tell you sooner." You said quietly. Suddenly your favorite dish from the dinner doesn't look appealing anymore. "And I wanted time for myself, you know, he cheated on me."

the clicking of utensils can be heard throughout the diner when he dropped them to the table. He was fuming mad.

"It wasn't anyone's fault, though. if anything. It was mine. I lost interest in our relationship, didn't have time for him, and just lost everything along the way." You said while moving your plate towards him which he gladly took, abandoning the pasta you ordered and eating the half of the burger you had. But the real reason was, you can't stop comparing your ex-boyfriend to him.

"Still isn't a reason to cheat on you." He says after taking a bite. You move your lemonade in front of you and lazily sip on it. He drops the topic knowing all too well that you don't want to talk about it. Still, he felt guilty for some reason, What could go wrong?

Right, Johnny Suh is starting to have feelings for you, and definitely not in a platonic way.

And you don't have any idea about it.

He opened your bag that was beside him and fetch the wet wipes that were inside. He opened it and out of habit cleaned your fingers with it. And you let him, smiling. "I wished I meet you sooner," He looked at you and smiled. "I'm really sorry I haven't been with you for the last 21 years." you joked as you let him dry your fingers with a dry napkin that the diner provides.

You were about to head out— fetching the car keys that you placed on the bowl beside the main door when you hear a familiar honk outside your house. Your hands slip past your keys and you walk the small distance to your door, opening it the cold air of December heats your face and Johnny greeted you with his usual beam on his face, his left hand stretched up outside his window, giving you a wave.

You smiled to yourself, biding your mom a quick goodbye and you were off to school with your best friend.

"Good Morning." He greeted you when you opened the door of his black Audi.

"Good Morning, indeed." You said facing him after securing yourself with the seat belt. There was a tint of pink in Johnny's checks that you choose to ignore.

Pulling up at the parking lot in front of the university's main building where a lot of students lingered chatting with their circle of friends— Johnny smoothly maneuvered and parked at his usual spot.

You both get out of his car and started to walk to the building.

"See you at lunch?" he asked when you neared your classroom— you were slightly shocked. "Won't you be eating with Yerim today?" you asked as you stopped in your tracks facing him. "Doesn't have to." He simply replied and you nod your head. "She'll be mad, John." You said as a matter of fact— facing him while slowly backing away as he marly give you a shrug. "She doesn't have the right, though." you rolled your eyes at him "Just ask her to eat with us!"

Graduation was nearing and you've been offered a job at one of the top companies in the city, you didn't have the reason to turn them down so you accept and were set to sign the contract right after having your diploma.

This calls for a celebration, though.

When Johnny heard that he was the first one to know about something significant in his life, he was delighted.

You found yourself getting tipsy with the cheap booze in front of you and Johnny. You were laughing at something he said about his sister, holding the cheap beer in your hand as you chug the contents down your through. "Okay, That's enough," Johnny said whilst grabbing the cans of beer and putting them back at his refrigerator. You pout back at him but don't argue, you still have to attend your classes tomorrow morning and you don't want to miss anything for the last weeks you have for being a college student.

Johnny tucked you in his bed and you bid the sweetest goodnight on him, he leaves a sweet kiss on your forehead before heading for the couch in the living room to sleep on, since he had no energy to actually drive you home.

You woke up that night, feeling rather hot, unconsciously stripping out of your pants and bra out of habit, you walked to the kitchen for some water.

Walking with blurred vision, you find your way into the kitchen. The lights were dim as you passed by the living room completely ignoring the fact that Johnny could definitely walk on you wearing only your white tee and undies.

You helped yourself around the kitchen, rummaging in the refrigerator for a jar of water, your hands felt the cold lid of the jar, popping it open and chugging the contents down. You giggled after realizing that you should probably use glass and act like a lady for once since you're not in your own place.

You hissed as you struggle, reaching for a glass in the cupboard. "Just why is it placed so fucking high?" you asked yourself. A hand reached for the glass and you turned around, shocked and ready to pounce the person behind you.

you came face to face with Johnny. His face, only inches away from you. His hands find their way to your waist as he looked at you and the glass in his hands, he purred his self some water in the glass and chugged the whole content down.

"I got thirsty," he said. You moved beside so you don't disturb him, stepping at least five steps away.

He looked you up and down, the smell of booze around, is strong, it almost made you gag. Feeling the cold air between your legs, you looked at yourself. "Fuck." realizing that you were only wearing your white t-shirt; that you probably owned since 7th grade— Your breast was obvious that even your nipples were prominent, your shirt just hanging before your hip bone and then your undies.

You mentally slap yourself. He put the glass down and you put your hair in front to at least cover your hardening nipples away from him. Chills run down your spine as he took another step forward, clearing the distance between you.

"Hey-" he cut you off.

"Johnny," he says.

"What?" you asked, barely whispering. Your eyes moved down on their own, from his eyes down to his upper body, he was shirtless, giving you free access to his perfectly sculpted body, his pelvis, so sharp even a God couldn't compare. Again, you felt the burning sensation coming back in your throat. You touched your neck instantly as you tried to swallow.

"My name, say it," he whispered, you looked up only to be met by his eyes, dark with unknown lust as if burning you within. He keeps staring at you, keeping you captive with his eyes that you somehow felt naked.

"Johnny," you whispered trying not to sound like your practically moaning his name. He took a step forward, leaving no space between you and him. "Again." He commands you. You sucked a deep breath as you avoid eye contact.

"Johnny."

He used his index finger to lift your head as his thumb drew circles just below your chin to the base of your neck. blood rushed to your face as you suddenly felt hot on your cheeks as he put his hands on your waist again. He tilts his head, the smell of alcohol mixed with his aftershave and mint filled your senses, suddenly it wasn't too dark anymore.

He brushes his lower lip against yours that you barely felt it. He licked his lower lip as you bite yours. He stares intently at you. "You know, I would appreciate it if you don't walk around the house in these." his hands hot on your skin.

all rationality seems to fly out of the window, both of you staring at each other gazes, Johnny pulling you in for a much deeper kiss. "Didn't know you were this naughty with alcohol in your system," he murmured, Johnny's soft languid kisses were driving you wild, he moves at the base of your neck and sucked at the soft skin before pressing light kisses.

"Do you have any idea how much I want you?" he says softly, your breath hitches without knowing and you deliciously clenched around nothing upon hearing his statement, you were hypnotized by his eyes. Leaning down, he kisses you again.

You put your hands around his chest to push him slightly, gazing up toward him, "I want this," you whispered. "No. Not in the morning when you're sober enough to regret this," Johnny says, you ignore him and pulled him down to kiss him again, and Johnny lost all his logic with how delicious you tasted, you guide his hands on the hem of your shirt and slowly he peels it off for you and lets it fall down the floor.

Johnny put his arms around you and hauls you against his body, squeezing you tightly, his hands traveled down your waist and down to your behind, he holds you against his hips, and you feel his erection, which he gladly pushes into you, easily lifting you from the floor after, you moan once more in his mouth, He eases you towards the bed and you feel your back against the soft cushion once more.

Tentatively, you move your hands up to his face and his hair, tugging at it lightly as if implying for him to take you fully. But Johnny has other plans in his mind. He grabs your hips with both his hands and runs his tongue around your navel, gently nipping his way to your hipbone and across your belly to the other.  "Ah," You groan.

Seeing him on top of you, between your legs as you feel his hot breath against your skin, Is unexpected, but you wanted this as much as he wants it. Your hand on his hair, pulling gently as you try to quiet your loud breathing. He gazes up at you through impossibly long-lashed, and chocolate-colored eyes. His hand reaches the hem of your black underwear, leisurely pulling it down without taking his eyes off you, he stops and licks his lips, never breaking eye contact. Johnny leans forward, running his nose up the apex between your thighs, and you feel him.

"You smell so fucking good," he murmurs and closes his eyes. a look of pure pleasure on his face and you practically convulse.

You raise yourself on your elbows to see what he's doing, you were panting, you wanted him right there. shit

Moaning, you felt him run his tongue on the sleek of your heat, "Keep still," he murmurs and then leans down again to kiss down your clit. "How can I not move? you're making me feel this good." you felt him smirk against your skin. "Then, we'll have to work on keeping you still." there was a dangerous tone laced in his voice and you find it impossibly hot and twisted. You're flushed, skin burning, too hot, too cold, and you're craving more as you clawed at the sheets beneath you.

Johnny moves forward and you protested but the pleasure came back once more when he blows very gently on one of yours mound, his hands moving to the other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of your nipple, elongating it. You moan, feeling the sweet sensation all the way to your groin.

"Johnny," you were wet, "Please," you beg silently as your fingers clasp the sheet tighter. His lips close around your nipple and he tugs, making you convulse. He doesn't stop.

Johnny moves his fingers around your clit, drawing circles as he laps on your mound,  you let yourself go from his touch. His thumb and finger continue doing you deliciously and you fall apart on his hands.

"Oh," you won't lie, that felt extraordinary, and now, you know the fuss around him is about. He gazes down at you, a satisfied smirk on his face and you're still in owe from your high.

Johnny was amazed at how responsive you are, he laced his fingers around you, drawing slow and lazy circles around your clit again, bringing another set of heat in your core. He closes his eyes briefly, his breathing hitches. You're deliciously wet and Johnny doesn't want to fuck you with a condom on, and neither did you.

He reaches over the bedside table, anyway, grabbing a foil packet, and then moving out of the bed to discard the rest of his clothes. You saw him, and your mouth watered at how long and thick he is. He kneels on the bed and pulls the condom onto his length. "I really don't want to use one."

"Is that going to fit in?"

"Don't worry," He breathes,  "You're wet enough, Angel. I know you can make me well," He murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of your sex and pushing hard.

"Aargh!" You cry as you felt him sliding in, there was a weird sensation pinching deep inside you as he rips through you without warning. Johnny stills, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph. His mouth opened slightly, his breathing harsh. He groans wanting to move.

"Fuck, baby, so tight."

"Johnny, Wait."

He stills for a moment, "Why?" You held onto his forearms, fucking him with a condom doesn't feel right, you wanted every little part of him, you wanted to feel him. Raw. "I- Can we remove the condom?" Johnny asks as if reading your mind.

You nod at him, You felt him slide out of you, removing the condom and throwing it at the trash bin beside his bed. Johnny positions his self once more, easing on to you, groaning. He loved every bit of it, this was the first time that you had sex without using protection, and the same thing goes for Johnny. Moving your hips up to him, as a sign that you wanted him to move already. He groans. You felt so full, as he let you acclimatize at the overwhelming feeling of him inside you. Naked, and Raw.

He eases back with exquisite slowness. Closing his eyes, Johnny controlled himself not on to fuck you hard, He thrust into you again, and you cry out in pleasure. He shifts into his elbow, and you feel his weight on you, holding you down. He moves painfully slow at first, easing himself in and out of you. You grew impatient and you can't help but move your hips up tentatively to meet his. He speeds up. Pounding on you, picking up speed by the second, merciless and in a relentless rhythm.

you can't help yourself to meet his thrust, making Johnny lose his mind because of you. Your body quivers. a sheen of sweat gathers over you. Your thoughts are scattered. There's only the feeling of him, of you, and him, and you stiffen.

"Come for me, baby," he whispers breathlessly, and you unravel at his words, exploding around him as you climax and shard into pieces with every being you had underneath him. And as he comes inside you, calling your name, thrusting hard, the stalling as he empties himself into you.

Johnny's breathing was ragged as you try to slow your breathing, your heart thumping hard and your thoughts in a disarray, you opened your eyes. His eyes flickered open and gaze down at you, dark but soft. He's still inside you, leaning down, he gently presses a kiss against your forehead then slowly pulls out of you.

Johnny cleaned you up and spoon you to sleep, he hoped that in the morning you won't regret what happened. Because he loved every moment of it.

--

Part 2? I didn't put the taglist because this is already reposted. so, yeah, hope u guys enjoyed! let me know what you think, I feel like i sucked making this.

[yungbud]

Hi my love! When you have time could you write an fluffy & smutty imagine where the reader gets insecure & worries or compares themselves to Ashley? (Halsey) & Dom finds out & shows the reader how much they mean to him & how much he loves them daddy kink in there with the smut please & a lot of praise & saying "I'll take care of you pretty girl" 🥺

Word count:4.1k

TW?: mostly angst and fluff, but mentions of daddy kink and adult themes obviously its smut.

A/n: anything for you my lil nugget 🥺 Smut is at the bottom you horny cunts. I hope it was everything you wanted and more <33

*rewrite

You knew better. Unfortunately, you were self destructive and couldn't help yourself. It was 3AM and Dom was fast asleep beside you, and had been for hours. You, however, had chosen to watch a video before bed. It was titled “Yungblud being cute for 6 minutes straight.”, but of course one video turned to five or six more, until eventually you came along another video. This one was called “Halsey and yungblud cute moments.” and the cover photo was of them in onesies, one of Dom's arms wrapped around her and the other holding the camera. You could feel the pit begin to grow in your stomach. Glancing over at Dom to check he was still asleep, you pressed play on the video, flipping over so you were facing him, so that if he did wake up he wouldn’t see what was on the screen.

It was ridiculous, honestly. How could you be jealous of her when you were the one laying right next to him. It broke your heart the way he looked at her, you couldn’t help but wonder... is that how he looks at you? Why would he? She’s so beautiful, look at jawline, look at those eyes and her voice. Oh god... her voice, she's a musician. You loved music, but you had never been musically inclined and at best you could go hard on the triangle. But her, she understood it all, down to the tour life. When he was overwhelmed with work or couldn’t find a melody, she could help, when he didn’t know how to deal with all the attention, she could help. She was like the perfect mentor/ girlfriend combo. She connected with him in ways you would never be able to. She got it.

Your finger hovered over part 2 of the video, a moment of hesitation before pressing it. You tapped twice more to skip past the person's intro, wasting no time in getting to the painful stuff. 

One of the first clips was Halsey talking about the night they met. You knew it was unhealthy, but you couldn’t look away. She described it so beautifully, taking a moment to mention that of course she would because she's a writer and that's how she saw the world, her world was so beautiful. Dom deserved to live in her world. 

She went on to say that they had met up in a bar to chat, to which you remembered why. It wasn’t a coincidence, Dom liked her music. He looked up to her. Just another way you could never be who he needed. 

You couldn’t help it. He’d made the trade down of the century and everyone knew it. You paused the video momentarily, subduing the verbal attack on your ears and laying your phone down on your chest. Heavy breaths slid past your lips as you tried to calm yourself from a full blown breakdown.

 You glanced once more over at Dom, ensuring he was asleep before letting a single tear slip down your face. You used the blanket to wipe it away, basking in the shitty feeling you had created for yourself. You decided that was enough of that, shutting off your phone and plugging it up for the night. After laying there silently for a moment you scooted a bit away from Dom. 

You didn’t really feel like being held by him tonight.

----

The first thought in your head the next morning was of the events of last night, the same shitty feeling digging itself into the pit of your stomach.

“Fuck.” You sighed

“Sorry, I was borrowing one of Dom’s shirts. I didn’t mean to wake you.”  You turned your head to acknowledge the presence in the room. It was Tom, bent over and digging through a pile of Dom’s clothes.

“All good.” You murmured, flipping onto your stomach and burying your face in the pillow. It smelled like Dom.

Soon after you heard the door shut behind Tom as he left, your head lifting from the pillow. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t really feel like being around Dom today. You couldn’t get past the feeling that he was ultimately worse off with you, that he had settled for less.

You hated the way you felt, your face drooping back into the pillow in an attempt to hide and ended up dozing off, the late night pity marathon catching up with you.

About an hour later you were awoken to Dom’s lips on your forehead. Your eyes met momentarily as you blinked the sleep out of them, reaching upwards in a stretch.

“ ‘ello sleepy head.” Dom says, planting another kiss, this time to your nose. You roll over, replanting your face in the pillow once again, “Are you going back to sleep?” He asks

“Tired.” You mumble back, voice muffled by the pillow.

“It’s 1pm.” no response “How late did you stay up last night?” He asks, laying his head on the pillow next to yours. You shrugged.

“Are you feeling alright, love?” You shifted your head so that you were looking at him, cheek still pressed softly against your pillow “Are you feeling a bit sick? Is it cramps? I can make you a cup of tea and get you some pain killers.” He continued, offering to help you in any way he could. He just wanted to know what was wrong with you, so he could help you. He hated the idea of you up in bed all alone feeling ill. He considered skipping the studio today, he was already cutting it close on time.

“No, I feel fine. Just need a nap. I must’ve stayed up later than I realized, s’all.” You knew you needed to tell him. Every silent moment was filled with you trying to convince yourself to just say something to him. Just talk about it. Just let him in.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll be out of the house at the studio, but Tom and Adam are here if you need them. I’ll tell them to be quiet so you can get some rest.” You smiled in response, your eyes closing as he rubbed his thumb lovingly against your cheek “Hey, I love you.” he says, your eyes opening as you mumbled back an I love you of your own, your lips meeting in a chaste kiss before he stood back up and slipped out the door.

As much as you would’ve loved to, you didn’t sleep at all after he left. Tom and Adam had made good on their promise to stay quiet, but it didn’t make much of a difference when that little voice in your head wouldn’t shut up. You opted for distracting yourself with your phone, scrolling through instagram and hoping the memes would brighten your mood. For the most part they did, acting as a simple distraction. 

Once you felt a bit better, you decided part of the reason you felt so bad today and last night was partially due to the fact that you hadn’t had anything to eat. You went to the kitchen to prepare yourself lunch, hearing Tom and Adam talking quietly in the other room.

While you were preparing your food you accidentally bumped into a stack of dirty dishes that had built up in the kitchen. You didn’t see what happened and when you turned to check nothing looked broken, but it was loud.

“Y/n?” Tom asks, tilting his head to get a better look into the kitchen.

“Hm?” You respond after a few moments of quiet deliberation. You weren’t exactly ready to be observed as awake, but you didn’t have any other choice, besides blaming it on an intruder who broke in with the intent of stealing the beloved orange tree outside, but when they arrived in the kitchen and were met with such a disgraceful mess decided they had no choice but to clean up after us. Of course, that might have stirred up a bit of a panic. They loved that orange tree, after all.

“Oh you’re finally up. Are you feeling alright? Dom said he thought you maybe came down with something.” Adam says

“I’m alright, thanks for asking. I’m just making myself lunch.”

“Come sit with us while you eat. We’re playing uno.” Tom invites. When you’re done making yourself food, you decide maybe it would be best to join them. It’s not good for your mental health to be stuffed up in your room pitying yourself all day.

You sat with your food in front of you, watching silently as they played.

“You wanna be dealt in the next round? It’s more fun with three players.” Tom offers, you give him a nod in response as your mouth is full of food. As you nod, Adam plays a red six, which ultimately leads to his demise as Tom then plays three red draw 2’s, stopping Adams hand as he goes to pick up and continuing to lay a red skip, then a yellow one, changes the color back to red and ends on his own red 3. You all laughed as Adam was absolutely massacred, almost choking on your lunch.

“There ain’t no coming back from that. Just tap out man.” You say through your laughter, reaching over to place a comforting hand on Adam. You all had small conversation as you finished your lunch, but soon you were done and the cards were passed out.

After a game or two, the round was paused as Adam stood up to get himself a glass of water, Tom and you shouting out your own drink orders from your place in the living room. By the time Adam was back at the table the running conversation had died down a bit. You began to think about why you’d been in bed all day, and the fact that Dom still attributed it to a small sickness. You felt the insecurity growing inside you once again, and you finally decided to talk about it.

“Did you guys like Ashley?” You ask, as inconspicuously as you could manage.  You watch as they glance at each other, taking a sip of your drink to occupy your mouth.

“Yeah, she was cool,” Tom says, Adam nodding in confirmation “Why?”

“Just curious, I guess. Did you guys ever hang out?” You tried to play it off as casual conversation, but you got the feeling they were picking up on the fact that there was something more under the surface.

“Not really. Not without Dom, even then it was rare. Who’s turn was it?” Tom continued, feeding into your curiosity while trying to maintain the card game.

“Yours, I think.” You paused for a moment, thinking of your next question “Do you think she was better for him than I am?” Your eyes met with Tom’s as the words left your mouth. He stayed silent for a moment and you couldn’t tell what the emotion on his face was. It felt weird, confiding in your boyfriend’s friends. Usually you could tell what your friends were thinking, or have an idea about what they might say, but you didn’t know these two like that.

“Like how?” He asked, nodding towards you to silently mention it was your turn.

“I dunno, they have the same career.” they let out a small laugh at that.

“She knows how to play a guitar so she loves him more?” Adam says

“Well, no, but…” you tried to remember what you were anxious about “she gets it. She knows what it's like to be on the road all the time and not see your family, she knows about the mental toll being in the public eye has and how to deal with it, she knows how to help if he’s nervous about performing.”

“What makes you assume that?” Tom asks

“She’s been doing it so long.”

“Well, yeah, but knowing how to do that isn’t a part of the job description. It’s less about knowing how to be famous and more about knowing the person you’re with. If it was about that, most people in Dom’s life don't get it. But we get Dom, and that’s what he cares about. You get him, so you have nothing to worry about.” Tom says softly. He made a surprisingly good therapist. 

You nodded, picking up 4 cards and sorting through them in your hand.

“But that doesn't mean you get to hide in your room cause you’re insecure. Just cause we’re talking about it doesn’t mean you don’t still need to tell him.” Tom continues, his chin resting in his hand as he looks at you.

“Yeah, of course.” You agree

~~~

You could hear Dom the second he walked in the house, engaging in a small conversation with the boys before making his way up the stairs. You heard his footsteps trail down the hallway and eventually meet your bedroom door, your eyes closing as you listened to it creak open.

“Love? Are you up?” Dom whispered, shutting the door softly behind him. You remained silent, trying to regulate your breathing like that of someone who’s asleep. He sighed, which made your heart crumple a bit. You wondered if you should respond, he might’ve had a hard day, but the nerves took over and you remained silent. 

“You’re still sleeping?” He asked, partially to himself, before exiting the room once more. You could hear him talking with Tom from outside the door.

“Has Y/N been asleep all day?”

“Uh, no. She came out and ate lunch and played uno with us around 2. Is she asleep now?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

You planned on talking it out with him, and up until he walked into the house you were, but you were suddenly overcome with intense nerves and all you wanted to do was hide.  You figured you would get a good night's rest and talk it out with him in the morning, that way if it went badly he would be out for most of the day at the studio and you wouldn’t have to sit in awkward silence as you tried to sleep.

He entered the room once again, stripping himself of his clothes as he preferred to sleep half naked, before joining you in bed. You felt his arms wrap around you, pulling you into him and wrapping you both in the blankets. Flipping over to face him, you nuzzled closer into his arms.

“Y/N?” He asks again, shifting to see if you’re awake. You hum in response this time, curious as to what he might have to say.

“Are you feeling better?” He asks, his hand returning to your cheek as it was this morning. You nod, letting out a small, genuine yawn as you nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck.

“How was your day?” You ask, shifting the conversation. 

“It was good. We finally got that song done, I think i’m gonna play with it a bit more tomorrow though. It’s good but I think it could be better.”

“You always think it can be better.”

“It always can.” He states simply, making you smile. You loved that about him, his pure determination and dedication to his craft. It can always be better.

“How was your day? Tom said you guys played a bit of uno, who won?”

“It was alright. Yeah, him and Adam were playing when I came down so I decided to join them. I think overall it was probably Tom though, I think he was cheating.” Dom laughed a little at the claim, brushing his fingers through your mess of a hair.

“So...” You began, needing to get a word out so you wouldn’t bail on talking about this. God, you hated confrontation. Especially when it was about something you were feeling. 

Dom hummed in response, the gentle reminder to continue breaking you out of your thoughts.

“I wasn’t sick today.”

“No?” He encouraged

“No. I was a bit tired though. But, that wasn’t the problem. I was watching youtube last night and I came across a video someone made. It was, like, a compilation of cute moments or whatever so I watched it cause it was cute. Then I watched another, and a few more, and eventually I came across a video that was called ‘Halsey and YUNGBLUD being soulmates for 3 minutes’... and I watched it.” He lets out a small, quiet snort, not entirely catching onto  the vibe of the conversation.

“Jeez, how do they come up with this shit.” He remarked lovingly

“Heh, yeah. It’s just… I watched it and I saw the way you talked about and looked at her… It just got me thinking, yenno?”

“I don’t. What’d it get you thinkin’ about, beautiful?”

“I just felt like maybe you regretted being with me. Maybe you’re still bummed that you guys broke up and you ended up with me. Like maybe you still miss her.” You admit. It’s silent for a moment as he takes it all in, you almost expect him to confirm your suspicions.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I made you feel like that.” He took a moment to think carefully about his next words “I know it must be hard to hear me talk about someone else like that, you can’t really escape my past relationships because of who I am. I honestly never thought of that. I love you, okay? Not anybody else. Obviously she and I had something, but it’s completely in the past and I don’t regret a thing because it led me to you, and I love you so much. You’re my fookin soulmate, I mean it. I’m not gonna let that slip out of your head ever again.” He said, punctuating it with a passionate kiss.

You expected the kiss to end rather quickly, but it didn’t. It kept going, building in intensity as you scooted closer to one another. 

“I love you.” You whisper, breaking the kiss momentarily

“I love you so much, pretty girl” He responds, his hand coming up to hold your jaw.

“Hmm, show me.” You whisper, pulling him closer. His hand slides down your side and onto your thigh as your lips meet again, taking your bottom lip between his teeth and pulling away lightly before indulging in the kiss once again.

Dom’s hands didn’t stay in one place for long, moving about your body as you made out, pausing his actions for a moment to take your shirt off, placing a kiss to each of your breasts before moving his lips up to your neck, leaving little marks for you to find in the morning. A chill ran down your back as he bit down on your ear, his hands massaging your breasts before reaching behind you and unbuckling your bra, throwing it off to the side and shifting his attention to your nipple. Taking it into his mouth, he presses his tongue flat against it as you lie down to give him a better angle.

His tongue flicking against your nipple while his hand plays with your other nipple. He swapped between which he used his mouth on and which he used his hand, making sure to give them both equal attention,  your hands tangling themself into his hair while he did so. When he was satisfied he pulled away, causing you to let out a small whimper as you felt his lips leave you, making their way down your stomach in a series of wet, open mouthed kisses.

When he made it to your underwear he licked a single stripe, taking his his sweet, sweet time. First, kissing his way up one thigh, then back down and ghosting his lips over the area you needed him both, taking a moment to inhale your scent before kissing his way back up the other leg, and right back down. 

“Please.” You whine

“Shh, I’m gonna take care of you, pretty girl.” He hushed, pulling your panties down your legs and glancing up at you as he did so, mimicking your pout before placing a chaste kiss on your clit. You leant your head back, closing your eyes as you waited patiently for him to begin. 

He started off slowly, licking up your slit as he took his time with you. Dom loved to use his tongue anytime he could, you loved it too. When he ate you out, it wasn’t just tongue, he made sure to pay attention to your clit and use his fingers when needed but on nights like tonight, where he really wanted to drive you crazy, he made sure to use a lot of tongue.

“You taste so good, pretty girl.” He whispers, his breath fanning against you, his hands wrapped around your thighs as he lost himself in you, holding you like if he didn’t you would take his meal away. You tried your best to suppress the moans he was pulling out of you, knowing Adam and Tom were just rooms away. The way he was working you left you wishing you had come to him with this sooner. Your hips came up to meet his actions, your hand placed firmly on the back of his head, pushing him as far into you as he could go, eager to meet your release. 

“That’s it, pretty girl, ride daddy’s face. Let daddy show you how much you mean to him.” He hums, taking a moment to catch his breath. You do as you’re told, the request putting you in anything but a bratty mood. You let out a small moan as he continues his actions, your hips setting the pace.

Once again, it started off slow, until you began to work yourself up. Your hand reached down, tangling itself in his hair once again, tugging as you tried to push yourself further down, your hips speeding up while you bite your tongue to keep down the moans that clawed their way up your throat.

You could feel the pressure building up in your stomach, squeaking out to Dom that you were gonna cum before releasing on his tongue. He let you remain there for a minute, riding out your high while he massaged and kissed your thighs. When you had fully come down you move yourself off his face, making your way down to his bulge where you began to unbutton his pants. His hand quickly came down to stop you.

“Tonight’s supposed to be about you.”

“I wanna make you feel good too.” You say, giving him a small pout. He stops to think for a moment before taking off his pants pulling you over him, giving himself a few painfully slow strokes before slipping himself inside of you. Your hips rocked carefully against him, still sensitive from your last orgasm. His hands continued to massage your hips as you found your pace, finding it harder and harder to remain silent.

“You’re so beautiful, pretty girl. Daddy loves to watch you bounce on his cock.” Dom growls, his hips coming up to meet yours, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room, you give up on holding back your moans at this point as it’s already very obvious to anyone in the house what's happening upstairs. 

The bed was creaking, your skin  slapping together as he thrust into you, unable to cease the  loud moans falling past your lips. Your legs began to shake as you approached your second release. Dom pulls you close, holding you, the gentle gesture in sharp contrast with the way he’s pounding away at you.

“Please can I cum.” You whimper

“One moment,” he interrupted himself with a groan “I wanna cum with ya, love.”

You held on as best you could, melting into his grasp as he worked towards finishing himself off. Soon after he growled a barely audible “Cum.” signifying his release. You moaned against each other, Dom pulling you closer as close wasn’t close enough. He maintained his actions, riding through your orgasm with one hand in your hair and the other lovingly stroking your thigh.

“Daddy’s got you babygirl.” He whispers into your ear, hushing you as you come down from your high.

When you finally felt well enough to sit up, your muscles hurt from the strain so you and Dom decided to have a bath.

He got up to run the bath water just the way you liked it and insisted on carrying you there, because ‘You’re hurtin’ so you can’t walk.’

You didn’t mind, though, laying your head on his shoulder as he carried you princess style into the bathroom. Luckily, the boys were in their rooms with the doors closed, presumably to suppress some of the noise.

The warm watered soothed your aching as you sat with Dom behind you, his wet hands stroking your arms with his head buried in your neck while he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

After that night, you didn’t think you’d ever question your relationship with Dom again.

[holidaywishes]

I Can’t Always Be Perfect

  Summary: Having a sibling with a mental disability isn’t easy and can often be taxing, especially when things start to pile up at home and at work. So when things fall apart when (Y/N) tries their best to make things as close to perfect as they can, she has a bit of a breakdown.

  Warning: angst, mild language, trigger warning for mention of anxiety and emotionally abusive parents

  Author’s Note: So, I’m going through something right now. I don’t really know why I chose Willy for this, to be honest, but I felt like he might be a good one to make you feel better after you’ve had a rough time with things. He seems like the type to be able to make you laugh when you need it. This was a fic that came about because of things that have been building up for a while now and I’m lucky enough to have a few close people in my life that I can talk about these things with but sometimes, you just don’t want to burden anyone with your shit, so I wanted to put some of my personal drama and angst into a short little fic. I also want everyone and anyone to know that if there is anything they need to talk about regarding mental illness, anxiety, stressful home situations, anything, I’m here to be an ear and a metaphorical shoulder to lean on. Always. Also, I tried to keep this non-gendered so I used they so it would feel more inclusive. I’ll try to do this more in the future or use (Y/P/P) for Your Preferred Preference as I know that, even though it’s a small thing, it’s important. I love you all and I hope you enjoy this thing I wrote. Stay golden <3

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

  You considered yourself a good person. Not perfect, not even exceptional, just good. You took care of things at home when your parents were at work, you cleaned up after your brother when he made a mess out of the entire house. You tried to do the right thing and tried to give back when you could, especially to causes that hit close to home, but that didn’t mean you were exempt from sometimes missing the mark and sometimes it meant taking a lot more than you had the capacity to take.

  “(Y/N)!” your mom yelled from the kitchen and you ran to see what was wrong, “What is this?!” she asked, pointing to the mess on your carpet from your brother spilling his cereal on the carpet earlier in the day

  “Carter must have.. I forgot to clean it up, I’m sorry” you whimpered

  “I’m sick and tired of coming home to a dirty house!” she shouted

  “I’m sorry” you repeated

  “We’re at work all day, me and your father, the least you could do is make sure these things are done”

  “This is just one time..” you said before squeezing your eyes shut, knowing that the words probably wouldn’t sit right with your mom

  “ONE TIME IS ENOUGH!” she yelled, “You’re not working and you’re staying here, RENT FREE, so what the hell do you have going on that you can’t clean up a mess when it’s made?!”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” you tried, speaking softly to not upset your mom anymore than she already was, “I just meant that the house is usually clean and tidy and supper is usually made when everyone gets here. Today was... a mistake and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say”

  “DO BETTER!” she continued, snapping at you as you quickly tried to clean up the mess under her feet, “and stop being such a god damn brat!”

  “HEY!” your dad shouted as he walked in the door, “what the fuck is going on?! I can hear you all from down the street!”

  “I didn’t clean up after Carter today”

  “And she’s been home all day, just moping around because she can’t find a job I’m sure”

  “She lost her job because of the pandemic, Susan,” your dad argued, “it’s different for us. We’re both on the front lines. We can’t lose our jobs”

  “I know!” she snapped, “and she should know how lucky she is that we’re letting her stay here without paying for anything”

  “Stop it” your dad said, trying to get your mom to calm down but it didn’t work

  “Don’t you start with me” she urged

  “Can I just vacuum this? And then I’ll make supper, okay?” you tried, wanting to get away from everything

  “Fine,” your mom yelled before stepping out of the room, “but that’s not the point! This should’ve been done before we got home!”

  “She’s trying to do it now!” your dad yelled back, “let her do it!”

  “YOU KNOW WHAT?!” your mom countered, grabbing the vacuum and pushing you aside, “I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”

  “SUSAN!” your dad yelled

  “MOM! STOP!” you shouted but she didn’t listen, tuning everyone out with the buzzing of the vacuum. You looked at your dad who only shrugged and you were forced to scoff at the reaction, walking away to your room because there was nothing more you could do, only to find your brother sitting on the couch listening to everything; you rolled your eyes at his complete lack of accountability and scoffed before shaking your head and walking to your room. Your hands were shaking and your body was buzzing, you didn’t know what to do. This had been a long time coming. The fighting, the arguing, the yelling. Everyone was stressed out and stretched thin and you were doing your best to keep yourself together so no one around you would feel like they had to take care of you on top of everything else but when a text came in, you couldn’t help but start to feel the stress build up in your chest

  “Hey!” William’s text read

  “Hey” you sent back, trying to be as casual as possible

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah.. My mom’s just a little stressed out. Can I text you later?”

  “Of course but are you sure you’re alright? I can come over, help out?”

  “No!” you sent back quickly, noticing the ellipses pop up and you knew you had to back track, “I’m sorry. You don’t have to come over, I just need to sort somethings out and then I’ll text you, we’ll talk. Just... later okay?”

  “Okay.” You sighed as you pushed your phone to the side, dropping your head in your hands to rub your temples; it wasn’t long before your mom barged into your room

  “Why?” was the way she chose to start. No apology, no greeting, just straight into the same argument you had before, “why didn’t you clean it up as soon as you saw it?”

  “I thought he would do it himself” you admitted

  “You saw that he tried, you couldn’t have finished?”

  “He vacuums his mess all the time,” you argued, “I thought that he’d say something or realize... I don’t know, I guess I didn’t think”

  “You know his brain doesn’t work like ours” she said, glaring at you as she stood in the doorway

  “I know,” you sighed, “I just had some errands to run this afternoon and when I saw that he spilled something, I thought that he was embarrassed to tell me and he needed a minute before he could clean it up. So I did the dishes and left the room, forgetting about the mess. Then you came home and found it”

  “That’s not an excuse”

  “I’m not trying to make up an excuse, mom!” you yelled, just once, before you settled down and composed yourself, “I’m just trying to explain what happened.”

  “You know that your brother is different and that you need to do more to help him but you’re so concerned with yourself that you can’t manage to clean up one tiny mess!”

  “Concerned with my--” you scoffed, “I do take care of this place when you’re gone. There have been so many other messes that I’ve been forced to clean up that you have no idea about -- including the many times he’s missed the toilet and peed around the toilet -- so one day, one mess not being cleaned up, does not mean that I’m so concerned with myself. This isn’t a gigantic mess that he can’t clean up, he vacuums all the time so excuse me for thinking that he would have the ability to clean up some dry cereal on the carpet!”

  “He’s your brother!” she countered, “and he’s got mental delays so you have to be able to take care of him”

  “AND WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?!” you finally snapped, “I do my best to take care of him and you and dad and make sure no one is stressed out more than they already are but I’m not a caretaker. I’m not the older sibling. He’s 10 years older than me, Mom, and sometimes I need to be able to walk away and do things that don’t require me to act like his mother!” The tears began to fall down your heated cheeks and you looked at your moms face which only seemed to shift slightly at your words, “I’m sorry that I didn’t spend every second of my day today cleaning every inch of the house to make it look that no one lives here. I’m sorry that I took a little bit of time for myself. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

  “You just have to do better” she said quietly and you shook your head, trying to hold back your tears

  “I can’t always be perfect. I can’t always do everything. I missed something today and I’m sorry that it screwed up your day. But I shouldn’t be expected to do everything!” You finally got up, grabbing your phone, and pushed passed your mom so you could escape everything

  “Don’t you dare walk away right now” she growled and you pulled your arm from her grasp, making your way to the door before finally meeting your dads stare

  “Don’t leave, (Y/N),” he pleaded, “talk to us. Talk to me.” Part of you wanted to say something, to make him feel better, but you didn’t want him to see you cry anymore than you already were, so you ignored his attempt to make you stay; grabbing your keys and jumping in the car.

xx

Willy’s P.O.V

  “Can we meet somewhere?” (Y/N) finally texted you after nearly two hours and you were quick to suggest the rink. When you got there, you found (Y/N) huddled up, head against their knees as they waited for you

  “(Y/N)?” you whispered, seeing the tears on their face when they raised their head

  “Hi...” they replied

  “What’s wrong?” you asked, rushing to their side

  “I’m just feeling like I can’t do anything right today. Like, I’m supposed to never make mistakes and I failed today”

  “Everyone makes mistakes...”

  “You don’t...” they scoffed

  “Have you kept up with my career at all?” you teased

  “Sure but,” (Y/N) faltered, “I don’t know, Willy, I just hate having this pressure on me to be perfect. Feeling like I have to be a parent to my older sibling. I know that he’s gone through a lot and that his life is hard and that it will always be harder than mine. I know that and I try, I try so hard to make his life easier and my parents lives easier. But I have given up so many opportunities to make that possible. I deferred University for two years because my parents needed me to stay home. I didn’t apply to NYU because it was too far away. I didn’t take that amazing job at Massey Hall because the hours were too flexible. I gave up my personal life, my romantic life because it was too hard to make time for my brother with all of it. I sacrificed both my High School Graduation and my University Graduation so he could feel included. I got offered an internship in London that I had to pass on because it was too far away and my family needed me here. I love him, he’s my brother and I would die before I let anything happen to him but I just get exhausted sometimes, always having to worry about him and take care of him and make things easy for everyone but me. Then, I feel bad for getting exhausted and I overcompensate and exhaust myself even further.”

  “You’re burnt out”

  “Yeah,” they sighed, “I don’t wanna be. But I can’t ask for help or get my parents to understand why, if I don’t have a job, I am so burnt out”

  “Want me to tell ‘em?” you joked

  “No.” You noticed their eyes begin to tear and you tried to be there for them as best you could, letting them rest their head on your shoulder, rubbing their hand softly, “I just... I don’t know what to do anymore. Some days everything is fine and then other days, the smallest thing sets my mom off and I feel like she hates me and that she doesn’t think I do anything or that I haven’t given up anything. Like I should always be doing more...”

  “I want to make you feel better,” you finally said, “tell me what I can do.” You waited in silence for a minute so (Y/N) could get their composure

  “This.” (Y/N) said softly, “Just be here, with me. All this stuff, it’s my problem and I have to learn how to solve it. But you being here with me right now, letting me lean on you, helps.”

  “So I have strong shoulders?” you joked and they laughed, “Is this me being your superhero?”

  “Can you not?” they said, smacking your arm before looking up at you with a smile

  “I’ll always be here to save the day” you smiled

  “Yeah, you will won’t you?” they smiled back and you kissed their forehead, staying still in the cold ice rink until both of you were ready to leave.

[rfamess]

Zen + MC (perspective) with depression. hurt/comfort

TW- suicidal thought, mental illness, depression, general sadness, etc.

honestly this could be for basically any male he/him person bc zens actual name is only mentioned like… twice. so. there’s that.

he brings out the best in me

Ugh… I feel like shit.

I’ve been laying here so long… my body aches.

I should get up.

I can’t get up. I want to. I can’t. I should. I have to.

Mindlessly staring at that wall isn’t helping me.

I’m so hungry.

God, I’m fucking hopeless. If this is the rest of my life… I don’t want it.

These blankets are too hot.

My back hurts.

I’m so lonely.

I can hear the front door being unlocked. It opens and quietly closes. He’s back.

“Babe! I’m home!”

I’m not sure I want him to see me like this. But I want to see him.

“I’m in the bedroom.”

I can hear him trotting around the apartment. He’s come back with some groceries, I think. There’s a repeated rustling of paper bags, small thuds as he places items down, the sound of the refrigerator opening and closing. He’s got quiet footsteps for a rather large guy. They’re gentle and careful— everything he does is cautious but graceful. Like he’s anticipating something to go slightly wrong at any moment. He’s humming something, too. Maybe it keeps his mind off of his expectant thoughts.

He peeks into the bedroom curiously. Half his face is sort of stuffed in the crack of the doorway. “Hellooo?” He pushes the door open slowly.

“Hi,” I say back. A small smile creeps across my face

“Hi.” He’s standing in the room now. Look away! Too fucking bright! It’s like he’s the goddamn sun! It’s been gloomy in here all day and suddenly I’m sucked into his gleaming aura. His presence certainly becomes the prime focus of any setting. Seriously.

“How long have you been hanging out in here?” He asks, trying to keep the mood light.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I say, “I lost track of time. I haven’t seen the sun in a while though.”

“What? Are you serious? Have you eaten anything?”

“Um…” I can tell I’m about to lose face. “No.”

He stays standing in front of me for a moment, his face filled with worry. “Babe, are you okay? Can I make you something?”

“Yes, please.” My voice starts to crack and I can feel my eyes starting to tear up… the tears come so easy now. He walks over and kisses my forehead gently. “I’ll be right back, okay? Why don’t you try and get up? Maybe take a shower and get back on your feet?”

“I don’t think I can…”

“I want you to try.”

I stare at him, trying to signal with my facial expressions how desperate I am to not do anything. Well, he’s stubborn, too. “I’ll make you dinner but after that I want you to at least come into the living room and sit with me or something— I don’t like seeing you here all by yourself. It makes me worry.”

“You worry about everything. Worry-Wart.”

“I have every right to be a worry wart! I care about you and I hate to see you so sad.”

All I could do was pout at him.

“Cheer up babe, I’m gonna make you a 3 course meal. And take a shower! You’ll feel better. Of course I can go wi—“

“No,” I cut him off. He’s giggling a little bit.

“Of course babe, you know I was just kidding. I’ll get started on your platter of love.” He takes a dramatic bow and leaves the room. A smile creeps on my face again; he always know how to make me smile.

“And take a shower!” He calls out from the kitchen. His charm worked on me as per usual. I slowly but surely climbed out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. He was right— the shower was a great idea.

I’m dressed up in a now different set of sweatpants and sweater. My body still feels weak, but I feel a little less empty; I feel clean— literally. Like I’ve washed away a little bit of that gloominess.

Although some doom and gloom seems to have transferred over to my chef in the kitchen. He’s burnt the appetizer.

“I burnt the appetizer.”

“I can see that.”

“Everything else is still good though.”

“Thank you, Zen.”

He plated his culinary work and set it down in front of me at the table.

“Bon apétit.” Another dramatic bow. “It’s not much but I tried my best.”

“No, it’s perfect. It’s delicious.”

“Really? My platter of love is delicious?” He’s so excitable.

“Yes, absolutely magnificent. 5 stars for sure. And only the best review from a top food critic.”

“Gahh Im so happy! I’m glad. I’m happy when you’re happy… so.. are you okay?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah, I feel better now. Maybe not perfect… but I’m okay.”

He has such a wide grin, it spreads across his face and even to mine— it’s infectious.

“GOOD! That’s what I like to hear!” He stands up and steps over to my seat, giddy like a child. He plants his lips over mine and kisses me softly and I start to melt.

“Hey let’s watch that movie we were talking about earlier!” He suggests excitedly.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll make some popcorn.” I say. I’ve surprised myself again. Taking initiative for the second time in quite some time.

I’m proud of myself.

[beeblackburn]

Ghosts for the fandom ask as well! 👀

The first character I ever fell in love with: Thomas Thorne. “Ah, she’s gone” remains one hell of a delightful line delivery. And his following melodrama was just amazing to sit through. I love dramatic™ bitches.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: I... honestly don’t know? Like, I generally like every character in this series and that’s not particularly a small feat. I suppose if I had to choose... the Captain or Mike, and only because I’ve come to realize their later more self-centered/forcible moments were there from the get-go, from the Captain’s complaining about Fanny’s screaming and Mike taking out a loan without talking about it with Alison while she was in a coma, not necessarily because I dislike them.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: Ummm, none! I generally agree with the ships in this series. 

My ultimate favorite character™: Thomas Thorne, he usually guarantees a laugh with any line reading, he looks good, he usually holds back before his crush on Alison gets too creepy, The Thomas Thorne Affair and Free Pass helps explain his more romantic tendencies and the former genuinely floored me with some of its twists and that last revelation broke my damn heart. Poor Isabelle and Thomas. They lost so much because the first Lord Button was a selfish arse. And I adore that Thomas was the first one who sung along In the Bleak Midwinter with Alison. I hope all the best for him.

Prettiest character: Kitty or Thomas. Kitty’s more my type, and I love her dress, but Thomas has those floofy locks to die for.

My most hated character: FUCK LORD BUTTON THE FIRST WITH A MUSKET BALL. That being said, I don’t come out of the Christmas Special respecting Mike’s sisters. And, depending on how Kitty’s backstory goes, her sister’s set to replace Lord Button the First. Honestly, I feel like I come out of this series hating cousins and sisters.

My OTP: Mike/Alison. Aside from some hiccups, Mike’s genuinely supportive and follows Alison’s lead and Alison grounds Mike’s eccentrics or flights of fear. They’re not friction-less, but they feel lived-in, have little jokes with each other, and are a couple who love each other and work through their problems.

My NOTP: Yeah, still none.

Favorite episode: Man, there’s a spoil of riches in Season 2 alone, but I keep revisiting Happy Death Day, Getting Out, About Last Night, Redding Weddy, The Thomas Thorne Affair, and Bump in the Night. If I had to narrow it down... The Thomas Thorne Affair, Bump in the Night or The Ghost of Christmas all vie for favorite.

The Thomas Thorne Affair is the best flashback episode Ghosts got, given it’s got a ton of narrative room to breathe around the death in question (I love Redding Weddy, but I wanted more scenes between the Captain and Lieutenant Havers), allowing for multiple perspectives to see the death, and I love how many holes get plugged up by POVs like Kitty’s or get misdirected off-track like Robin’s or get made into a more interesting imaginary scenario like the Captain’s (real talk, his take never fails to make me laugh, bless you, Captain). It’s all hilarious (that bird getting shot by Thomas’ gun as he falls is my second-guiltiest laugh of the series) but it also speaks to a very real idea of our memories: that we edit, we revise, we look back with nostalgia or clean up the messier bits. Add in the twists and the Mike subplot and it all adds up to a tragic tale whose theme is about how another man’s utter selfishness is capable of destroying a relationship between two lovers through violence, either directly or by proxy. It’s delightfully hilarious, but it hits so hard and Thomas’ words about the truth making it all worse twists my heart.

I feel Bump in the Night is the funniest episode Ghosts’ got. It’s not particularly serious, there are no real stakes, given one of the burglars is terrible at theft, it’s just a bunch of total morons fumbling through a breaking-and-entering and it’s amazing. Fanny complaining that the burglars are terrible at theft, the Ghosts calling for 999, only to not think through how to communicate, them trying to communicate with Mike via a creepy doll’s eyelids, Alison immediately realizing Mike’s in the wardrobe, Julian writing “2 of them” instead of 2 like a non-dumbass, MIKE IN THE SUIT OF ARMOR, it’s all amazingly funny, but at the same time, it’s all underlined by the emotional truth that Alison, Mike, and the Ghosts have come far enough that the Ghosts are willing to help them out because they like them, instead of scaring them off or causing problems like in Season 1. Alison verbalizes it, but the more touching scene is how she thanks Robin, the Ghost that first scared her because he had nothing better to do, for getting Barclay to help them and he just nods humbly back. This episode is full of idiots, but it’s got a decent amount of heart in it that gives it weight beyond the laughs.

The Ghost of Christmas probably has one of my favorite theses on why we endure the holidays with our families, despite it never being as magical as can be. There’s stuff to nitpick like how I don’t like how Mike’s sisters delight in Mike throwing a fit, going so far to film it, and some of Julian’s scenes with the baby run a bit long for my taste, but I really do like Julian’s summation of Christmas: that it’s perfect because it’s not perfect and that we should be grateful of any time we spend with family, because it will all go away someday, as the ghosts can testify. We take the good with the bad. There are some delightful humor bits like the Ghosts needling the Captain and Thomas to join in on Twister, Fanny looking up at the tall tree from the seeds they planted, Mike’s dad having a chainsaw, and Julian waving off his daughter being a MP of the Green Party (screw you, Julian, she rules because of that), but there’s also the theme of family in the emotional scene. When Mike’s dad tells him they’re overbearing because someday they won’t get to do things for him, there’s a heartwarming irony that, even past death, the Ghosts are there for Alison, their newest family member. This episode made me realize just how... barren Alison’s biological family connections are from the first episode’s mentioning that there were no other direct relatives. And In the Bleak Midwinter is a gorgeous song that cuts as a certain truth: just because others can’t see your family doesn’t make them any less real to you. 

Saddest death: Thomas dying all alone at the tree, no one living by his side, feeling the sting of being rejected one final time at the end because his cousin was a selfish arse who capitalized on a woman he didn’t love for her estate? God, this bears repeating, but fuck Lord Button the First.

Favorite season: Oh, definitely Season 2. I love Season 1, but I’m not a huge fan of second-hand embarrassment and seeing Alison get embarrassed by her reacting to ghosts that others can’t see made me wince quite a few times. I much prefer Season 2′s handling of Alison and the Ghosts and how they work.

Least favorite season: Season 1. I don’t take to the more second-hand embarrassment humor of that season, but I do love every episode except Free Pass. It’s still a great season with episodes like Happy Death Day, Moonah Ston, and Getting Out. Special mention to Happy Death Day, which was the first time I realized Ghosts could balance the comedy and the darkness with sincere emotion without them undercutting each other at the wrong time.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: Now? Not really. In the first season though, I sometimes found Kitty a little too grating, possessive, and intrusive. Not that I don’t get where she’s coming from, her childhood sounds lonely and painful in ways she doesn’t fully comprehend and ghosthood hasn’t exactly made her any less lonely in some ways, most times I understand, but sometimes, like at the start of Getting Out where I feel she really should pump the brakes. 

That being said, her backstory’s gonna break me. I just know it.

My ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: Fanny or the Captain. They really can be abrasive or domineering in that first season, the Captain steamrolling over Pat from time to time and Lady Fanny’s nitpicking and homophobia, but I do get why they are that way and they do get better.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: Kitty, who deserves all the blankets for that childhood. Mary, who likely has a mental illness and got burnt because of that. Humphrey, who doesn’t deserve being ignored by the Ghosts.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: Thomas/Alison. Thomas, sometimes, your behavior can get a little too much regarding Alison. That first (thankfully only) peep at her in the shower, I know you’ve been frustrated for years as a Ghost, but noooooooo. That being said, when Thomas respects her boundaries and is a supportive friend (have I mentioned how touching In the Bleak Midwinter is?), I dig them.

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: Pat/Cap. Not that I don’t get it, and it promises heartwarming feels and heartbreak (Pat moving on after they hook up and Captain having to watch another leave him again, but this time, Captain got to admit his feelings before the leaving) and they are rather adorable together, but I’m more waiting for the narrative to acknowledge the possibility before launching myself into the ship full-time.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[angstchim]

Higher Maintenance | jjk

Maintenance Spin-off 

Hybrid reader x Jungkook

➻ smut, degradation , slight hybrid hate, equality issues discussed, jealousy, angst, sex, praise, 

➻ Rating; M

➻ Words; 6015

II. The snake,bunny & man 

Your heart sank. You felt like you had no right to stand on the ground in front of her. "I-I'm Jungkook's hybrid..."

She narrowed her eyes and raised her brows. Jungkook was completely gone in her arms. His consciousness drowned in alcohol. "Jungkook doesn't own a hybrid, you're an intruder."

"I-Intruder?? H-He just got me today?"

She scoffed. "We will have to ask him when he wakes up." She lays him down on the couch. "Just to make sure you aren't an intruder..." She scans the room suspiciously as if you were going to rob Jungkook. "You should wait outside until he wakes." She gives a cheeky ill-willed smile.

"Outside?! But it's the middle of the night!"

"Exactly the perfect time for some strange hybrid to rob Jungkook. Out." She growls

You looked down at your skirt and tank, quickly grabbing your blanket from the hybrid center and your flats you walked out the door. Not knowing where to go or what to do with yourself at this time of night you walked to the front of Jungkook's property. Turning your head back to see Evelyn staring deadpan at you. The ears atop your head flattened. Anger filling your being as you found a spot on the curb of Jungkook's driveway to sit.

You didn't know how long you had to sit there. If you'd be able to sleep. If something were going to happen to you. Your heart and mind were racing. A pair of footsteps approach you, your heart drops. Goosebumps dotting your skin. A hooded figure approaching you. A shaky breath escaping you. "Y/n?"

A familiar voice gracing your ears. Eyes squinting to get a look at the face under the hood.

"Y-Yoongi?"

"What are you doing out here at this time of night?! And in that?! Do you know what could happen to you!?" He growls as he views how you are dressed. You were too overwhelmed. Tears trailing down your face. Too many questions needed to be asked. So many emotions and anxiety ran through your body you couldn't help but reach toward the leg of Yoongi's sweatpants. "T-Take me to your h-home...please." You croaked.

Yoongi's reptilian eyes slits and he held his breath. Anger running through his being as he looked at the address of Jungkook's condo. Mentally imprinting it in his brain. Yoongi's cool arms picking you up from your thighs. Your arms wrapping around his neck. Your face in the crook of his neck as your tears warmed his skin. No one dares to hurt his bunny. No one.

Yoongi gritted his teeth as he gently carried you a few doors to the condo of his new owner. Entering he set you down on the sofa, his new owner asleep. He hopes Taehyung wouldn't mind. "Do you want to stay on the sofa or with me y/n?" He gently whispered. His lips grazing your cheek as you continued to softly cry.

"Don't leave me!" You wailed. Your hands clutching his sweater with a death grip. "I wouldn't dare..." He hums as he lifts you carrying you to his room. An excitement brewing in his stomach when he realized you lived just down the block. He would get to see you... he felt so much relief. Settings your shaky form on his bed, he thumbed your cheek. "What happened back there? Where is your owner? Did he kick you out?"

"N-No he's lovely... it's just he went out with a friend apparently he got drunk silly and when they returned home Jungkook must've not told her about me because she treated me like an intruder and kicked me out til he wakes up..." You wailed, more tears escaping your doe eyes.

Yoongi let out a hiss. "Spend the night here and I will take you back over their tomorrow morning. You need to resttt." His reptilian hiss making itself hang in the air with his lingering sentence. You gave a nod. Missing his company.

"You got adopted?"

"Yes, by a man named Taehyung. He's a super nice man ... I was surprised he wanted a hybrid like me."

"Anyone would want a hybrid like you though." You commented as you cuddled into Yoongi. A small flush dusted his cheeks. "Oh hush." He hums as he pulls you under his chin. His bun. Lord knows how many times he wished you were a snake like him. I-If only... he closed his eyes. Both of your chests slowing as sleep overcame the two of you.

Hours into the night Yoongi gave a short hiss as he felt the curve of your ass against him. Your soft snores were precious. Too precious for him to disturb them with the two hungry members he hid in his sweatpants. Trying his hardest to sleep away without your keen ears detecting him he crept to the nearest bathroom. His knuckles white as he turns the knob to the sink on. Water running as he sheds his sweatpants. Fangs protruding from his lips as he bites down on his tongue.

The metallic taste in his mouth the least of his worries as both his hands are occupied with his two angry cocks. Two angry mushroom tips leaking glossy precum. Veins running along each shaft as he fucks into his hand. He wished he could have you. So badly. His lust for you was something taboo, something he shouldn't pursue. The way he imagined stuffing his two cocks into your tight pussy. The way wishes he could have one cock suffocate in your breasts while the other travels down your throat. How he wished he could fill you up with his eggs so they could incubate in your womb.

He threw his head back as he fucked his hands harder. His eyes slits. The patches of scales on his skin glowing in the bright bathroom light. He shakes slightly as both cocks spit out heavy pearlescent ropes. His chest heaves. "F-Fuck I wish." He hisses as he sinks his head into his knees. Both his cocks creeping back into his sweatpants. His self-control and guilt plaguing him. You needed emotional support right now. He hated how at a time like this his cocks got the better of him.

Soaking a washcloth in soapy water he cleaned up his mess. Tossing the washcloth in the laundry he crawled back to your side. His neck tucking itself on your shoulder. Your gentle snores lulling him to sleep.

As the sun peaks in the sky so does its rays through the curtains. The warmest of which rest on your face. The warmth burning through your eyelids and waking you from your slumber. Your body partially warmed by its rays while the other half f your body is cooled by the reptilian male at your side. HIs scent thoroughly making you reek of him. His snores quiet as they downed themselves in the pillows.

You gave his nose a light flick. "Yoongi wake up." You hummed. Eyes itchy from last nights tears. "You have to take me home."

Yoongi let out a small groan as he nodded his head. "Let me wash my face real quick."

"Alright." You gave a nod. Gathering your blankets and shoes. Your stomach felt like it had glass in it as you felt sick. You couldn't tell if it was from hunger or anxiety. You forced yourself to believe it was from hunger. Yoongi exited from the restroom as he slipped on his slides.

"Do you think whatshisface cared you were gone all night?" He snarkily asked.

You ignored the question, your hands tugging on Yoongi's sweater sleeve as the two of you walked down the street together. There was Jungkook in his driveway, his face worried and hsi eyes livid as he shouted at Evelyn.

"What the hell?! Where did you send her?!!" He growled as he glared daggers across the driveway to Evelyn.

"I told her to wait on the porch! Who knows where she went!" She sheepishly replied. Her excuses bullshit to his ears.

"Who gave you the right to do that?!" He hissed before noticing you standing in his driveway. He quickly abandoned the argument, his hands cupping your cheek. "Where did you go? Are you okay?" His eyes filled with worry. She let out a hiss as she got in her ride and drove off.

"I-I was with Yoongi!" You cried. Your face nuzzling into his warm hands. You knew he wasn't at fault, he got wasted but he didn't put you out.

"Yoongi?" He hummed. Looking at the black-haired snake man.

"That's me." He growled. "Thank whatever god is in the sky that I was there. If I wasn't she'd be ..." He bit his lip. "Why the hell are you so irresponsible? Do you know what she means to m-... Do you know what happens to bunnies like her on the streets?!"

Jungkook narrowed his eyes. "Thank you for taking care of her Yoongi but you are not who I need to answer to." He turns his head to you. "Come inside deary. We can talk and fix this."

Yoongi gave a hiss and just wished he could spit his venom at Jungkook. He knew his venom could only kill rats and other small animals but at least he could get people sick and constipated. He really wanted Jungkook to have the worst problems shitting like the shithead he is for letting that happen to you. He reframed though. He knew how much you liked this human. He couldn't see it but you did and that's all that mattered he guessed.

Giving Yoongi a quick hug and peck on the cheek you followed Jungkook into his villa. You could feel the reptilian slits follow your body until you disappeared into the cozy villa Jungkook called home.

"I am so sorry about Evelyn, she is just a friend of mine and I never expected her to act like such a bitch. Maybe it was the alcohol but I am so upset and sorry she did that to you." He kissed your cheek and gently rubbed our ears. His forehead on yours and his eyes bore into you as they showed his earnestness.

"I-It was scary I'll admit. I was scared and I was so glad it was Yoongi the one who found me. I know it's not your fault and all of it is hers." You looked into his eyes. Your cheeks rosy as this was the closest you had ever been to him. "Why did you drink so much?"

He blushes slightly. "I just had a lot on mind. Not the best of my habits. Now that this happened and I have you to care for I need to fix that part of myself."

You nodded feeling so warm in his arms. "What are you going to do about Evelyn?"

He bit his lip. "I'm not sure she's a valuable aspect of our agency. I'd hate to replace her but if she keeps this up I might just have to. I don't know what to do about her replacement though.."

You nodded and nuzzled into him. "Can I visit your agency with you?"

"Would you like to? I'm sure we could stop by today. After we eat something." You gave an eager nod. You shined so brightly one wouldn't think you had been crying last night and this morning.

"Pancakes?" He asked as he pulled a box out of the cupboard.

"Yes please!"

He chuckled and started to make the pancake batter. You sat at the table once again immersing your gaze into his back. His back so muscular it showed even through his loose tees. He hummed a soft tune as the mixed the pancakes. His humming so gentle, the complete opposite of his thoughts. Who was Yoongi to you? What does Yoongi know about you? Why did it bother him so that Yoongi was with you last night? Did you sleep with him? Did he touch you as Hoseok did? Why does the thought make him angry? Is this jealousy? He flipped the pancake. Whatever feeling he didn't like it.

Topping them off with strawberries and whipped cream he sat the plate down before you. "Eat up deary."

You grabbed your fork and dug in. Simply loving the way the pancakes melt in your mouth. Jungkook's cooking was superb one of the many things you loved about him. Finishing the plate he sat in front of you, "I should get dressed huh?"

He chuckled, "Unless you want to go in that skirt and tank top." He eyes the revealing clothes you were in. He hated how Hoseok and Yoongi had both gotten to see that part of you. "I wouldn't want people to see you like that so yes please get changed." He flashed you a tender smile but you felt such a faint demanding presence from it you couldn't help but quiver at his command.

"Y-Yes, sir." You squeaked completely unaware of how lewd you sounded. Your natural instincts to cower clawing at you as you got up from your seat and made your way to your room. Jungkook's eyes widening as you did.

You called him sir. And he liked it. He liked it too much, way too much. His pants feeling a bit tight as he tried to swallow the pill you had just thrown at him. His cheeks flushed and he could feel his inner dom clawing at him.

Your sense of fashion wasn't very honed. Luckily everything Jungkook has purchased for you went well together. Slipping on a beige oversized shirt it fit you much like a dress. With some beige thigh highs and strappy wedges, you brushed your hair put on the liptint the store clerk taught you how to use when Jungkook took you shopping.

Coming out from your room you were met with a suited Jungkook. Well, sort of suited he just had on striped dress pants and a loose button-up. You tried hard not to stare at his exposed sunkissed chest. "You ready to get going Deary?"

"Yes." You hummed.

Jungkook was slightly disappointed when a 'sir' didn't follow your answer. But he couldn't afford to be in domspace at the moment. Not if he wanted to get you to his building without laying any unwanted fingers on you. Grabbing his keys and phone he opened the door for you and then followed in pursuit when you exited. His thumb smashing the unlock button to his car you opened the passenger seat door and sat inside. He took his place in the driver's seat. His foot on the gas he sped off to his building. "You'll meet some of my models, today deary."

"I'm excited. To see what you do and how you work. I'm curious you seem to know more about me than I do you. So I can't wait." You hummed.

Jungkook's cheeks dusted a soft rose as he continued to drive. "I'm so glad to hear that. I hope all of them get along with you. I swear if they have any qualms with you being a hybrid I'll write them up. I won't have any more tolerance than I have with such behavior."

Your hands gripped the strap of the seatbelt that lay across your chest when you heard that. It warmed your heart, it made you feel all sorts of gooey on the inside. However, it also made you worry that Jungkook was going to have bad blood with his workers because of you. The car to a halt and when it did you realized you were outside of a beautifully tall grey sky scrapper.

"We're here Deary."

Your eyes ran up and down the building as you exited. "Woah, all of this is yours?"

'And yours one day." He grinned.

You didn't quite understand what he meant but you followed him regardless as he led you into the exclusive building. Upon entering you were met with the smell of expensive perfumes so much so you had to cover your sensitive nose. Jungkook took notice of this and lent you his black facemask.

"Forgot about the smell in here, I hope it isn't too strong for you to handle."

"It's just fine." You said slightly muffled.

"Mr. Jeon, why are you in here on your day off?" A pretty elegant lady walked up in her peplum shirt and pencil skirt.

'Showing my Dear the place where I work." He smiled. "Deary meet my assistant Hyerin."

"Hello young lady my name is Hyerin and I manage this place on the boss's days off. He never mentioned to me he had a hybrid." She commented pretty loosely.

You never pinned your ears back quicker as once again you were reminded of exactly what you were in their eyes. You knew not every human was as nice as Jungkook was. Hyerin quickly saw your posture and stiffened.

"I-I'm so sorry I didn't mean it like that. I have a hybrid too, a beautiful lovely angelfish hybrid. I just never expected Mr. Jeon to have one. He never talks about such things at work. He always about the business. So sorry didn't mean to offend. " She raised her hands in a defensive manner dropping your clipboard.

You dropped to you knees picking it up for her. "It's alright. An angelfish hybrid? I've never met such a hybrid."

"Would you like to meet him?" Her eyes lit up.

Jungkook's tongue swabbed the inside of his tongue as he heard this exchange. He was honestly quite wary of letting other male hybrids around you know. Of course, he knew Vernon wasn't really a threat he wanted you to himself a bit. He knew it was your choice.

"I would love too."

Jungkook let out a cough. "Let's keep heading to the studios and dressing rooms if you want to meet the models."

You gave a nod as you left the reception floor via elevator. "How many models do you Jungkook?"

"Around 50? It's pretty evenly split about 26 women to 25 men. We aren't that big of an agency but we are so established and exclusive it works for us."

You nodded. As the two of you exited on one of the upper levels. As soon as the elevator doors opened the floor was full of studio lights and staff pushing racks of clothing. The most beautiful of men and women sat in their respective chairs in robes. All of them acknowledging Jungkook's entry into the room. A few of them oogling you. One pair of eyes bore into you particularly heavily. Evelyns.

She had her robe loose around her form. Her figure clad in expensive linger as she turned her nose at you. "Jungkook you don't work today. "

"I know. I'm showing y/n around. I might bring her to work with me more often. Can't have her in the house all day." He gently patted your head while shooting her a heavy gaze.

She huffed. "Alright." She walked passed you. You wondered what she didn't like about you. You very much thought she was ethereal and wanted nothing more than to befriend you but she seemed very keen on not letting such things happened. You knew she kicked you out the house, you were pissed and you were going to get an apology from her some time but you feel like she also had a motive for her actions and you wanted to know why.

Jungkook let out a sigh. "She's so childish. Always has been and always will be at this rate."

You let his words sink in. There must be a history between them and you made a mental note to ask about it. You followed Jungkook as he introduced a few of the studio areas to you. You watched as models posed and advertised their respective designer brand. One model especially caught your eye.

He had such alluring eyes. His hair a striking blue and his gaze dark. He was on loose pants and an even looser top. Rosy cheeks and lips and hands that were the most beautiful for a male specimen. He finished his shoot and walked up to you. "You are just the sweetest thing."

Your ears pinned themselves back. "T-Thank you."

He hummed as he leaned in close. "I-I'm Taehyung, You can call me Tae if you'd like." He gave you a wink.

Taehyung.. you heard this name somewhere. Was it on some fancy commercial? You gave a nod and tried your hardest to avoid looking down his baggy shirt. What was under there was sure enough to send you into a rut and that was the last thing you needed now.

Jungkook gave another awkward cough as he casually wrapped his arm around Taehyung's shoulder successfully pulling him away from you. "How is your shoot going today Taehyung? The Gucci campaign going well?" His voice so passive-aggressive it even confused you.

Taehyung gave a chuckle seeming to understand Jungkook and his moods better than you did. "Relax Guk, I just think she's so damn pretty." He smirked.

Jungkook gritted his teeth and he tightened his grip. His innocent bunny reminiscent smile was somewhat deadly. "Stop talking Tae." He hummed.

"I just want to paint her. Will you let me?"

You looked up at him. "You paint?"

"Yes, I do you little cutie." He hummed and stole a kiss from your cheek. Jungkook's hand lodged in his hair by this point. You gave a giggle watching their exchange.

"I'd love to see you paint me."

The color left Jungkook's face. "Deary are you sure? You don't know what kind of painting this man does."

"I want to see." You replied.

Taehyung smirked. "I do nude paintings."

The color left your face aswell. You expected oil or watercolor or something. "I-I."

"You already said yes." He hummed. "You don't have to be completely nude. You can have a sheet or robe on if you'd like but I think you'd make such a beautiful painting. You can even have it when it's done if you'd like. Only after I post it and make some cards for it to add to my collections of work."

You looked at him and pondered on the idea. "Alright" You were willing to try something new. Jungkook looked a bit unreadable.

"Only if I can come too."

Taehyung shrugged, "Of course. Are you both free this Saturday?"

You gave a nod, you were always free. Jungkook took a bit longer to respond. "Yeah I can make time, I'll meet you at your place at 11 am if that sound good to you."

"Sounds like a plan." He smiled. "Nice meeting you sweetheart." He stole one more kiss from your cheek which earned him a shin kick from Jungkook.

Jungkook gave a huff, "Where are his manners?" He gave a tsk and showed you the in's and out's of the place he owned. By the end of it, you were beyond exhausted that when he offered to go home your ears shot up before your mind could even register the question.

"Does bunny need a nap?" He hummed, his hands running through your hair. Neither his voice or his hands did any good in keeping you awake. The walk back to his car and the ride home was all a blur as the most you could remember was a handsome face tucking you to sleep.

❦❦❦

The Saturday of the meeting to Taehyung's crept up on you faster than you expected. As it did, so did the insecurities you had about the whole ordeal. Where you good enough to pose semi-nude for a portrait? How does doing this make you seem to others? A slip dress and booties on Jungkook slipped your collar on as the two of you exited his house. As you walked to his car he gave you an odd look.

"Hun, we don't need that. Mere grab my hand." He chuckled as he extended his large limb to you. You were puzzled and nodded.

"Just how close to Taehyung do you live?"

"Closer than I'd like to." He huffed after walking what seemed like two minutes down the street he started to walk up to a nearby villa. The villa was almost as extravagant as the one Jungkook owned. Almost.

"Hey, this is..." You began when the door swung open and Taehyung's chirpy face greeted the two of you.

"Hey right on time. Come in." He smiled stepping off to the side. Behind him stood a very familiar face.

"Y/n?" Yoongi gasped.

"Yoongi!" You smiled more than happy to see him.

"You two know each other?" Taehyung asked.

"Too well," Yoongi smirked.

Jungkook rolled his eyes. "So Taehyung what kind of painting do you have in mind." Jungkook clearly ignoring Yoongi.

Yoongi seemed the slightest bit unbothered as he walked with all of you to the makeshift studio Taehyung had created. A bed with silk drapings from the canopy and sheets from the ceiling. Red satin sheets and a robe sitting on the bed.

"You can keep your collar on I feel like it adds to your look. As for the rest take it off and get on the robe. Keep the robe a little loose it will add to your look even more."

"Undress here?!" you gave a squeak.

Yoongi just about keeled over as he heard what Taehyung had asked of you. As much as he wanted to tear his eyes away he couldn't bring himself to turn away from what he might be about to witness. Jungkook even bit his lip looking at the ground conflicted.

"Think about it deary, it's not sexual it's art and if you become a piece of art you'll be a voice, for hybrids. You'll be someone who can become a bridge between hybrids and humans." His hand gently clasping yours, his eyes wide and genuine. He meant what he said. You have done fairly well trying to ignore the hostilities towards hybrids that hid within society. You knew with what connections you had to these humans something could be done. Maybe it would flop. Maybe it would take off. But it was worth a shot.

Turning your back to the men you carefully shimmied the slip dress over your head. Your breast pert and mostly concealed from their line of view. Your delicate ears could pick up the hitches in the breath that came from Jungkook and Yoongi. With delicate fingers, you pulled down your panties. Face flushed, tail trembling you crawled onto the bed trying your best not expose your pretty parts to the three men standing feet away.

Jungkook's knuckles white as he felt himself slipping into domspace. His eyes dark as he watched you slip on the robe leaving it loose enough to expose your chest but cover your nipples. Your thighs covered as you posed. Taehyung positioning an anklet on your leg and fixing your collar and hair as he began to sketch you out on his canvas.

Yoongi felt his chest heavy. The very woman whom he dreamt up dressed in a way he only dreamed of. His eyes slits as they ran over your chest. His groins starting to harden, his hands quick to pull his sweatshirt over the protruding cocks. He felt his fangs digging into his bottom lip. The metallic taste it left was nothing to him as his starved eyes fed on your image. He would ingrain this imagine in his mind.

Your face slightly flushed as you could feel their gaze gnawing at your skin. You could feel the way Yoongi's pitchforked tongue ran across his bottom lip. The way Jungkook's knuckles tightened, the almost inaudible sound tickled your sensitive ears. Taehyung's scratching pencil against your ears distracting you from the hungry men. His sketching coming to an end as he made his pallet. His pit of brown for eyes wide as he concentrated on his mixing of paints.

You took a breath, Yoongi inching closer to you in your peripheral. "Yoon-" You began as he started to pivot the bed with his weighted hands. Jungkook's eyes harsh arrows as he watched the snake's moves very closely.

He bit his lip and rested his head on your shoulder in an exhausted manner. His head in the crook of your neck. He seemed drained physically and mentally. "Let me sit here for a bit."

You gave a look to Taehyung. "It's fine, I finished your right shoulder already."

Jungkook growled. "It's not fine."

Your eyes flashing to him. A slight smell of submissiveness seeped from you. Yoongi got the wafting smell hitting him straight in the face. His control starting to slightly lose itself as he licked your shoulder. "Why is not okay with you Jungkook?" He growled as his pitchforked tongue gave a hiss, his tongue lapping over you once more. His menacing aura putting you into submission, your ears back and tail tightening as you whimpered.

Jungkook's tongue swabbed the inside of his gums. "Because I'm not okay with it."

Yoongi gave a hiss as he started to lap at your neck. "Does it look like I care about whether you are okay with it or not?"

Taehyung set down his brush. "Yoongi..?" His eyebrows risen. The first time he as seen his hybrid react this way to anyone.

Jungkook growled. "She's mine."

"And even so you let some prissy bitch kick her to the curb while you were drunk off your ass. If it weren't for me someone would have done the unthinkable." Not only that but she has been mine longer than she has been yours. Yoongi pushed the thoughts from his mind as he gave Jungkook an icy glare. Taehyung tossed his brushes in his bucket and carefully removed the unfinished painting from the room before returning.

"Yoongi don't you think he doesn't already hate himself for letting that happen to her?" Taehyung sighed as he leaned in the doorframe. His eyes watching Jungkooks still dark form. His hair covering his eyes from showing any response to Yoongi's cutting words.

You shrank under the menacing auras from the two powerful males whom stood before you. Yoongi's reptilian side slipping out more than you had ever seen before. "Not as much as I hate him for letting it happen to her." He shot back.

Jungkook gave a growl. "Step away from her she's mine. M.i.n.e." Jungkook's whole aura changing. His eyes deep and dark, his front teeth canines, and his veins protruding from his neck. He was hybrid? You watched. No. He wasn't. But he wasn't entirely human for sure. Just what was he? Yoongi could sense it too as he gave a smirk and decided to test just how animal Jungkook really was and why was his inner animal triggered now out of all times.

Taehyung's eyes widened from the doorway as he watched his dear friend and boss show a side to him that not even he seemed to be very conscious about. Jungkook gave a growl, his eyes slightly crazed as he crawled under the bed. His animal took over, and he was driven by instinct. Yoongi hissed and shot venom Jungkook's way. Taehyung took a breath and closed the door as he left the room. He did not want to be caught between two territorial males and their muse. He would scold Yoongi tomorrow and make Jungkook pay for any repairs for anything they might end up destroying.

"Away from her," Yoongi warned.

"Make me." Jungkook huffed as he stripped down to his dress shirt and boxers. Yoongi having ripped his clothes off down to his briefs.

You whimpered in the presence of the snake and mystery animal which inhabited Jungkook. Your craved doe taking over. Both of your hands found themselves on their shoulders. Jungkook and Yoongi froze and their eyes gave you their undivided. "B-Both of you. Please, I want b-both of you."

Jungkook bit his lip and gave a nod. Yoongi turned his head away but gave a small hiss of approval. If he couldn't have all of you he was willing to take this.

Tearing the robe and panties from you Jungkook started to quickly lap at your core like a rabid dog. Your fingers tangling themselves in his hair. Your soft moans and groans music to Yoongi's ears as he slipped you on top of him. Jungkook's between your legs as your back lay on Yoongi's chest. "So cute." He hissed, his forked tongue kissing your ear lobe. "Too bad snakes like their bunnies immobile." He gave an evil grin before extending his fangs and driving them into your shoulder. You could feel his venom shoot into you, pleasure filling you but soon your body became to tingle like needles as you couldn't move as well. "Shh it won't make you sick, I gave you a controlled dose." He kissed your cheek before nodding off to Jungkook you quickly pulled a giant shaft from his boxers. The tip wet and throbbing. He gave a pout.

You opened your mouth for him which he quickly bucked into. His wide grith stretching your delicate mouth to it's fullest. Yoongi opened your legs, his eyes getting their own show as they concentrated on the way you swallowed more and more of Jungkook's cock. He pulled his cocks from his boxers and smacked the two of them against your oozing core.

Jungkook's remnant saliva serving as a lubricant for his cocks. He didn't dare to stretch you he wanted you to feel the stretch of his cocks. He wanted to rip your cunt and ass to leave you aching for his members. Smirking he rammed his cocks into you. You choked around Jungkook slightly as Yoongi spread your walls. Two cocks entering you left you nothing but a moaning mess. Your inner walls fighting to accompany the invading flesh attached to the reptilian god between your legs. "I want you to incubate my eggs can you do that for me? Be a good mommy to my little snake babies?"

Hearing the words drip from Yoongi's lips left you nothing but whining whore. "Y-Yes!!!"

"I think fucking not if anything she's going to mother my pups." Jungkook growled as he gave Yoongi a warning bite on his shoulder. Yoongi hissed back and ignored the threats given by Jungkook. However, Jungkook was not having such blatant defiance. It became clear to both you and Yoongi just what animal had been bred into Jungkook. The animal hiding between his genes. A wolf.

His inner wold angered Jungkook abanded your sore throat and grasped your leg from Yoongi, fighting his way for space Yoongi's cock still in your cunt you could feel Jungkook push his way into you. Two cocks in your cunt and another in your bum. You gave out a cry, your tiny form trying to accompany such an intrusion created by the two males.

"I'm going to fuck my pups into her so fucking good." He growled.

"Not before I slip my eggs into her." Yoongi growled.

The bed under the three of you creaking wildly as the wolf and snake raced their hips into you. An instinct-driven race for dominance took place as the two used you as their personal fleshlight. Large hands gripped into both your thighs as an abdomen slapped against each.

"Ready for my eggs little bunny?" Yoongi huffed as his hair stuck to his forehead.

"Gonna be a good mommy to my pups?" Jungkook snarled as he gave another warning bite ti Jungkook which was met with a poisonousJu bite from Yoongi. The two males bottomed out in unison as you walls were painted white with their semen.

"F-Fuck!!!" You groaned as you took in the sight of the man you lusted and the friend you held dear hunched over you with lewd euphoric expressions on their faces. Jungkook's inner wold leaving him as his human form reappeared. His hungry eyes leaving him as horrified ones took their place.

"W-What have I done?!" He croaked with slight tears pricking his eyes.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[eldritchsurveys]

834.

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? >> Eh. As long as nothing unpredictable happens, I’m mostly fine... but I’ve also had at least two meltdowns in the past week, so “mostly fine” is obviously a cover-up of some sort. I don’t really know what to do about it, so I am kind of just holding my breath through every day, hoping I don’t lose it over something trivial.

Are you currently in quarantine? >> No, the stay-at-home order has been lifted. Still not really going anywhere, though.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? >> We didn’t this past weekend, which I don’t feel great about, but I ordered a bandana yesterday so I’ll hopefully have it before this coming weekend.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? >> Well, they say they require it, but we were definitely not the only people in stores without masks on. So I don’t know what the deal is with that. I think maybe stores are weighing how much it’s worth having to deal with irate customers who can’t stand being turned away for not complying with the mask rule (Michigan is, after all, the state where armed protesters stormed the capitol building to harass the governor for extending the stay-at-home order...). Regardless, now that I will actually have a face covering next time, I’m going to use it.

Do you know anyone who's had the coronavirus? >> No.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? >> I ate part of a lemon coconut cookie.

Was it a nice day out today? >> It’s pretty nice, yeah.

Is the weather nice where you live usually? >> Usually? I wouldn’t say that. Winter lingers around here for a long time, and winter does not usually bring pleasant weather (in my opinion). Also, we get a lot of wacky lake-effect weather.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> A bandana. It has a Baphomet on it, heh.

Are you expecting a package right now? >> Well, yeah, the bandana. Should be here Thursday or Friday (it’d better be, considering I paid extra for quicker shipping).

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? >> I haven’t, but Sparrow’s ordered stuff from them. I think she likes everything she’s gotten (although she hasn’t gotten everything she’s ordered, which is annoying).

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? >> I am not, nor would I ever be, a youtuber.

What is one thing you hate about summer? >> Heat waves. I like warmth, but too hot is too hot.

Did you go outside today? >> Not yet.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? >> ---

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? >> I can’t recall being overcharged anywhere.

Is your room more often messy or clean? >> On the cleaner side than the messier side.

Who is someone you miss? >> ---

What is something you miss? >> ---

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? >> I feel like that pretty frequently, yeah. I’m either having no emotions or having a veritable perfect storm of them, and I’d really like to find a fucking balance at some point.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? >> I’ve mostly received misdiagnoses from doctors.

Have you ever been "diagnosed" with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn't that frustrating? >> Nah, I’ve not had that experience.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? >> ---

What was the name of your favorite roommate you've had? >> ---

Do you have a favorite book that you've read multiple times? >> Yeah, there are a few books I’ve read multiple times.

What's one book or book series that you've read multiple times? >> I’ve read Dreamcatcher by Stephen King at least twice.

Have you ever had an embarrassing bathroom accident? >> Yeah.

What was the name of the funniest kid you've ever babysat? >> ---

Do you enjoy babysitting? >> Never done it.

Do you have any big regrets? >> No.

Are there things about your past that bother you? >> I mean... I’m post-traumatic, lmao.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? >> That doesn’t really happen to me.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? >> I don’t post on facebook at all.

Do you think it's a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it's better to discuss serious topics in person? >> I think that a lot of misunderstanding happens on social media that could possibly be avoided or at least worked through with more efficiency in person. I do say possibly, because like, who knows, really. But there are many discussions I wouldn’t bother getting into on social media (especially where other people can see it and jump in with their two cents), that I might be more willing to discuss one-on-one with a person in a controlled environment. Which is why I hate that people don’t use IM/DM functions more often for working through sensitive topics (like “I have a problem with something you said in [x] post and I would like to work it out with you” or whatever), instead of turning it into a public fucking debate.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? >> Their Eyes Were Watching God.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? >> No, I got no credit for a class and had to repeat it.

What class in school did you hate the most? >> All of them lmao

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? >> Fuck no.

What's one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? >> ---

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? >> FUCK NO.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? >> I vastly prefer being an adult where I have at least some semblance of agency and control over my own life, instead of being subject to the whims of people who don’t actually care about what I want or need or feel but are mostly thinking about what they want out of me.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? >> I don’t recall having this thought, like, ever. I offer advice when someone’s asked for it and I feel like I have some to offer. I don’t give a fuck what my age is.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? >> No.

Do you enjoy bonfires? >> Yes.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? >> No.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? >> Nothing.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? >> Yep, front and back.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? >> I prefer the NIV for just regular reading, but ngl, the KJV has some turns of phrase that can be really poetic-sounding in certain verses.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? >> Literally neither. I just do what I want.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? >> No.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you've known whom this has happened to. >> I don’t know anyone like that, which is good, because that is definitely red-flag behaviour.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? >> ---

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? >> ---

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? >> Yes.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? >> Nope. Not a single one.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? >> Probably.

Are you a jerk? >> Probably.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? >> I assume they were the Nothing(tm) colour that is standard in apartment complexes.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn't let slip away? >> No.

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? >> No.

Who has hurt you the most? >> Sigh.

Have you been bullied? >> Yes.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? >> I would rather die.

Do you know anyone who's auditioned for American Idol? >> No, but I know someone who auditioned for X Factor, which is largely the same concept.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn't yet? >> No. I don’t think anyone should audition for those stupid ass shows.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? >> There is no time of day when that’s likely to happen. It depends more on my actual mental state than what time of day it is.

What's one way in which you've changed within the last ten years? >> Oh, you know, stuff.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? >> To me, it just... passes?

Who do you know who has died of cancer? >> No one.

Has there been cancer in your family? >> I don’t know.

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? >> Yeah. For being suicidal, or for being self-injurious, or because people just plain thought it’d be a fun thing to do to me, I don’t fucking know.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? >> No.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? >> That... would be such a strange response to being angry at someone. For me, anyway. I don’t know, maybe it makes sense to other people. I stick to Old Reliable -- wanting to beat them to a pulp or something.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? >> I mean, probably.

Have you ever deleted a friend on facebook for making racist comments? >> No. Luckily, that’s never happened to me.

What was the last thing you ate? >> Veggie burger and chips.

What was the theme of your senior prom? >> Damned if I remember, that was like 15 years ago.

Did you go to prom? >> Yeah.

Have ever been engaged or married? >> Yeah.

Are you an aunt or uncle? >> Technically.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? >> No.

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? >> I mean, there are worse ways to live. At least I get to decide for myself what I do with my day.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? >> It was definitely worse. That’s not even something to question.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? >> I don’t think any of my mistakes qualify for such a dramatic adjective.

What's one need of yours that is currently not being met? >> ---

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? >> Not that kind of suffering, no -- I’ve been in that state, where most of my basic needs were not at all being met, and I’m very grateful to not have to live like that anymore. Unfortunately, living like that for extended periods of time tends to have lasting effects, which is [part of] what I’m dealing with right now.

Do you hate social injustice? >> Nah, I love it. It’s just great. It’s the best thing ever--

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? >> I’m in that strange limbo where I, as an individual, am poverty-class, but since I am part of a household where the other person works a relatively okay job for a living, I get the benefits of being working-class. We’re still low-income by modern urban standards, though. Anyway, I’m fine with that for the most part, but that’s also because I’m used to being literally penniless so anything is better than that.

Do you feel like you are being given what you deserve right now? >> What the fuck do I deserve? What does that even mean? No one owes me anything.

Life isn't fair. True or false? >> I mean, true, I guess.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? >> I don’t really think about life that way. It’s people who have the option to be fair or unfair (and who have the option to perceive of things as fair or unfair); life is just... life.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. >> I don’t know anyone like that.

Who do you go to when you're upset? >> Can Calah.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? >> I didn’t pray then and I don’t pray now, so... the same.

Do you pray a lot? >> No.

Do you frequently have back pain? >> No.

What's the worst side effect you've experienced for a medication? and what's the worst withdrawal effect you've experienced from a medicine? >> The last time I recall having side effects to medications is when I was being put on various psychiatric drugs as a teenager, but I don’t really remember any of the specifics except... being exhausted all the time (because I remember falling asleep in classes and being reprimanded for it like I’m doing it on fucking purpose).

Have you ever used an epi pen? >> No.

What's a name that you like but probably wouldn't use for one of your kids? >> ---

What's you name, and do you like it? >> Mordred. Of course I do.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names? >> ---

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? >> There’s that word deserve again. Anyway, yes, I’m sure someone values me well enough. Probably.

Who have you felt the most valued by? >> I guess Sparrow values me, or we wouldn’t be married. That’s how that works, right?

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? >> Yes.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? >> ---

Do you ever sleep outside? >> I’ve slept outside before, yes.

How many siblings do you have? >> ---

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? >> I was raised as the only child in the household. I was the youngest of my father’s children.

How many kids do you want to have? >> Zero, ideally.

Do you want to get married? >> It’s already been done.

Best date you've been on? >> ---

Dream date? >> ---

Ever kissed someone on New Year's? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? >> Probably.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? >> Yep.

What brings you the most joy? >> Uh... hmm. Good question. I’ll get back to you on that. Someday.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? >> I don’t think I have any passions.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? >> Well, fortunately for everyone else, I don’t really have any dreams.

Who supports you in everything you do? >> Sparrow is pretty supportive when I bother to do stuff.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? >> ---

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? >> I think that if someone has a dream, then sure, they should try to see it through. But I also think that sometimes it just ain’t worth it. It’s up to the person to make that determination, though, not me. Personally, I don’t really know what it’s like to have a dream, so it’s not like I can relate or anything.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? >> I don’t think people want me to suffer or anything. I think that in general, people aren’t really thinking about me at all.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? >> I do. I wish I had the capacity to feel loved and supported.

[squareissad]

Well if today isn't a fucking shit show. Legit have nowhere to vent but here. Maybe sometimes its best to keep your SO seperate from some of your friends because when shit happens between the two of you, you cant actually talk to anyone about it because then youre badmouthing them. I dont even have another social media or anything to fucking vent on because all of our friends are fucking shared.

Also like, maybe dont pick the whole fight thing via text when i am not even there and i have to sit with a friend and then be social with other people for the rest of the day and shit cause now i gotta put my fucking pretend on like everything is fucking fine when its not and i am on the brink of breaking down and shit.

I fucking hate this. I feel so fuckig stupid and selfish and horrible and i dont know how much of this is legit my fault. Like, i cant fucking move my arm properly so what am i meant to do? My mental health is already in the shitter and i cant decide if im being a manipulative cunt thinking the way i am or if its the mental illness or if what im feeling is actually valid or what. Its so fucking confusing and i hate myself so fucking much.

God, i want to hurt myself so bad right now. Get in my fucking car and drive off a bridge or into a wall or something. Want to scratch and burn and gouge at my fucking arms and legs. Want to just fucking die so everything will just fucking stop.

Why is life so shit? What the fuck is even the point? Why am i here and what does it fucking matter? Why do i have these fucking people in my life who i give a shit about, why couldnt i just be alone so i could just fucking off myself.

I dont even know if i should go home tonight? Do i? Like... i asked if i should come home and fix it but she said that was a bad idea so do i just stay away until she says to come back? Is that being manipulative or conscientious? I dont fucking know. And if i do go home then i guess i should sleep on the sofa, which means no sleep. I dont know. Maybe i will just stay out as late as possible and just... fuck i don't know. Do i avoid her until she says not to? I can go back to the house whilst she is at work and like clean and shit then fuck off again. I can go find somewhere to sit in the car, will have a charger for my phone so i got stuff to do and like 10 gig or data and shit.

I dont know what to do. I cant go anywhere else because then people will know. Cant go to my brothers or my best friends or anything because she knows them all. Cant stay with the friend i am here with because theres no room. Dont have the money for hotel and shit.

Fucking shit this. Hate this fucking life.

And like, after this... what do i do? Like, is this divorce time? Do i need to start looking for a full time job to be able to support myself or go on like job seekers or what? I need to be able to pay the bills if she leaves me. Will she take the dogs or leave them with me when she goes? Probably best she takes them i guess, she can look after them much better than i can, thats assuming i stick around or whatever.

I am so fucked. Dont know how people do this shit. I just want to sleep until im dead. Just be completely not aware of anything and then just fucking die and never have to be anything ever again. I cant be a person anymore, not that i was much of one anyway.

Fuck this.

[xaphrin]

Abuse My Love a Thousand Times

“A clean bill of health.” Shirayuki placed the form in front of Obi for him to sign, making notes in his file. The pen scratched almost loudly against the pristine paper, her handwriting looking like awkward, loopy swirls. “As always.”

“I’m not entirely sure why we’re made to have these weekly check-ups. It’s not like I can even get human diseases.” Obi sighed and handed the paper back to her, his eyes flashing a bright gold before he adjusted the cuff on his ear. The spell flickered for just a moment, before settling back into place, showing his olive skin and dark, almond eyes. He cocked his head to the side and stared at her. “It’s just costing the house more money to keep having you come out here.”

“It’s the law for human and fae. Fairness across the board for any redlight workers.” She paused and made another note, glancing back into his face with a stern expression. “And you aren’t immune to magic diseases, you know. Don’t forget about the outbreak of Dark Dust two years ago. Two of your workers ended up at the clinic and it took them nearly a month to treat them.” Shirayuki checked off her notes. “Besides, it’s not just illness we’re worried about. Mental health is just as important, and you’re not one to admit when something happened, or something is upsetting you.” She glanced over at him, a heartbeat’s pause resting heavily between them. “I worry about you. You need to take better care of yourself. Let me know if you need… help. I’m here for you.”

“I take care of myself just fine. I’ve been here two years, and I’m all together - as far as I know.” He gave a one-shouldered shrug and looked away, pretending to be more interested in a faded picture on the wall. “My job could be worse. At least I’m not working in the docks down by the river, and I have my own money and my own place, and sometimes I even have friends. Which is way more than I had two years ago. Plus, I get to eat my fill every single night… no more prowling around university bars looking for sorority sisters blasted out of their mind. People come begging for a taste of paradise.”

Shirayuki watched him, her eyes wide as he spoke. It felt like he was trying to remind himself that there were good things in his life, and that the darkness he worked so hard to conceal wasn’t real. Standing there, she felt like she was trying to discern who he was before this moment. She could hear strange notes infiltrate his voice, almost like a longing, but also a bit like a pep-talk. It sounded almost as if he was reminding himself of all the things he did have, just to make him forget about the things he didn’t. He adjusted the cuff on his ear again, and the spell flickered. Shirayuki found herself questioning whether it had been damaged during a particularly rough client, but then realized it was none of her business who he slept with. It was his job. 

“And what about you, Mistress?” His voice dripped with curiosity, to the point it nearly stung her. “What about taking care of yourself? You could work in any of the fine human hospitals in the rich neighborhoods, and yet you’re over here slumming it in the fae redlight for pennies - checking cocks and pussies for Dark Dust.” He let go of a cynical bark of laughter. “Honestly, you’re much better than this, and I’d have thought you’d run far away by now.” He pitched forward and rested his chin in his hand, as if expecting a secret. “Come on now, tell me that you’ve finally found somewhere more interesting to go? Tell me you finally caved and signed that big contract for Wilant Memorial.”

“I haven’t and you know that, so stop teasing me about it.” She gave him a tilted smile. “Besides, you’re the most interesting part of my day.” She glanced at her phone, checking the time. Yuzuri had another twenty minutes left on her tab with Suzu. 

“She’s still upstairs.” Obi cocked his head to the side as if he was listening through the walls. “They’re finished if you want me to go grab Yuzuri?”

Shirayuki flushed and shook her head. It was unnerving how adept fae hearing was. “No. Absolutely not. Let them have their time together, she doesn’t get to see him as often anymore.”

“Not since she transferred to a human hospital?” His voice held a low, questioning lilt. “Like you should?” 

Shirayuki ignored the jab. “Your shift doesn’t start for a bit, right?”

“Mm…” Obi checked his phone and nodded. “I have an appointment in an hour or so. So, i’ve got a bit of time I can kill.” He offered a broad, teasing grin. “My first client is a half-orc with-”

Shirayuki held up her hand, her heart dropping into her stomach. She hated when Obi teased her like this. “Please don’t. Spare me the details. Besides, you know I’m not supposed to know about your clients. You have an NDA, and I… I don’t want to hear about it anyway.”

“I’m only teasing.” Obi Shrugged and stood up, shoving his hands in his jean pockets. “A human, actually. Some kind of bachelorette dare, I’m sure.” He pitched his voice high, a pantomime of a girl. “You just gotta try an incubus at least once. They’re the best.”

“People do not say that.”

Obi scoffed. “Mistress, you can’t tell me that when you were all stressed and tensed up from studies in med school that there wasn’t at least one girl suggesting you head down to your local redlight and take a tumble with an incubus?” His grin widened and he pitched forward, resting his hand on the table. “I’m told it’s better than really good weed. High for days with a nice, slow decline back to earth.” 

He… actually wasn’t wrong. There had been one of the girls in her undergrad class who spent her all her free time with an incubus a few grades below them. She ended up flunking out of pre-med, and Shirayuki had vowed never to come within ten feet of an incubus. Her eyes flicked to Obi’s playful stare, and she flushed. That resolution hadn’t exactly worked out in her favor. Now, she spent time with him every week, and it was getting harder and harder to remember why she shouldn’t get involved with him. Especially when he gave her that tilted, knowing smile. 

Shirayuki rolled her eyes and closed his file, pretending to ignore his comment. “Well, you’re free and I’m waiting to walk home with Yuzuri, so… let’s do something together. Let’s get out of here for a bit then. I’ll buy you a drink?” Shirayuki placed the file in the cabinet in the back of the office, locking it. “It’s been awhile since we talked… outside of the house. And as friends.” 

Obi gave a dramatic gasp, pressing his hand against his chest. “You’re looking to talk with me? Outside of the house? Be still my heart.”

God. He could be such a drama queen sometimes. She started for the door. “Are you coming or not?”

“I’m coming. I’m coming. Hold your horses.” He chased after her, and Shirayuki turned around to see his cuff fall from his ear. Obi cursed and he snatched it up from the carpet with a low growl, examining it to see how he could jerry-rig it together for a little longer. “Dammit. I’ve been having the worst trouble with this stupid thing since last week. I’m going to have to ask Ryu if he can make me a new one. The spell is getting testy too.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Shirayuki rested her hand on his wrist, stopping his movements. “Leave it off. We’ll go to a fae-friendly bar. You don’t need to wear it, I know the spell itches anyway.”

“You’d be willing to go out with a fae?”

“Obi, we’ve been friends for years now.” She leaned closer to him and rubbed her thumb along the pointed tip of his ear, as if she was trying to smooth out the indent the cuff had given him. “Besides, you look fine just the way you are.”

Beautiful, actually.

“You’re one of only a handful of people who think that, you know.” Obi looked down at his forearms, his skin a dark blue-gray and flecked with the same shimmering gold that matched his eyes, like freckles masquerading as constellations. He glanced back at her, lifting an eyebrow in a low tease. “Typically I charge extra to take the cuff off. My skin isn’t the only thing that changes.”

Shirayuki flushed and turned away, knowing that he could never let her live it down if he saw the embarrassment in her face. “Now you’re flaunting like a peacock.”

“Exactly.” He snapped his fingers. “My cock.”

Ignoring him, Shirayuki made her way down the street, feeling him follow her, his steps nearly silent on the pavement. His eyes darted around them both, as if he were expecting someone to come out and make some kind of off-handed comment or slur. In the few years since Shirayuki had known Obi, he had been overly cautious of going out without a glamor spell. There was a history behind him that she tried to understand, but he kept himself as closed off as possible. It was easy to fuck someone and drain them of their sexual desire, but opening to a friend seemed damn near impossible for him. 

She’d only seen him without his cuff a few times, but he was beautiful. His skin reminding her of a dark night in the mountains, galaxies painted onto his skin. He was just so… otherworldly. Which, she realized, was a bit of a slur. 

“You’re deep in thought.” Obi’s voice cut through the noise in her mind, a low rumble of noise running down her spine. “Anything interesting going on in that head of yours?”

She forced her own mind up for air, pushing a few locks of hair from her eyes. “Mm, just thinking… about you.” She followed him into the bar a few doors down from the house, taking in a diverse crowd. Two dwarves were playing a card game in the back, yelling at each other about rules, and a tall, graceful elf was unfolding herself from a booth. A sign above the bar noting Sirens not allowed to perform on karaoke night! “You never take your cuff off. I was just thinking about it.”

“Ah, Mistress. It’s probably best if you just leave that particular thought be. You know as well as I do that there are stories you shouldn’t ask.” He settled them down into a small table tucked in the front corner, by the window. A gorgon waitress wearing ultra-dark sunglasses took their order, and she stared at Shirayuki as if she was trying to place her from somewhere. 

“She’s the girl on the bus benches,” Obi supplied helpfully, his grin widening. “You might have seen her with a sharpie mustache of some kind. Or big glasses.”

Shirayuki flushed, giving Obi a sharp stare. That was not what she wanted to be known for, to become some kind of token in the mayor’s campaign for more robust human-fae relations, but Zen had talked her into it. He said it was good to place a non-political face with their campaign, but Shirayuki had doubts. Putting her face on their campaign made it political, and that was not what she wanted. She didn’t want to be a token character just to make the Wistalias look good, she just wanted to help out the neighborhood. 

“Ah.” Thankfully, the gorgon seemed completely disinterested, took their order and turned around, leaving them without another word. 

“You don’t have to point that out to every fae.” Shirayuki sighed and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, glaring at him. “It’s not that big of a deal, you know. And I didn’t even really want to be a part of it. Zen is just… persuasive sometimes. And it’s hard to say no to him.” 

Obi looked like he wanted to point something out, but managed to keep his thoughts to himself. “Ah, come on, Mistress. You’re like a local celebrity around here - brilliant doctor with ties to political royalty, but who spends her time in the fae neighborhood clinic, working for chump-change and checking the redlight district for STIs.” He propped his chin up on one hand and smiled at her, as if he knew a secret no one else did. “And yet somehow keeps her purity.”

Shirayuki burned and nearly choked on her water. Color curled up her neck and she looked away. “Obi!”

His grin widened, almost playful, and his white teeth practically shimmered against the darkness of his skin. He pitched forward, the playful glint in his eyes brightening. “Incubus, Mistress. You can’t keep anything from me. Not when it comes to sex, anyway.”

Shirayuki sniffed, suddenly feeling indignant. “I’ve… been with people before.”

He lifted an eyebrow, as if he didn’t quite believe her, but knew better than to press. “Oh, I’m sure, but… not for a while, right? Not since… mm, let me guess…” He took a deep breath, as if tasting something on the air. “...undergrad?”

Her cheeks burned darker, her stomach twisting. He could be a real jerk when he wanted to. She looked away and fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about having sex with someone, she wasn’t completely oblivious to her body’s needs, it was just that she hadn’t really met the right person. She’d get back at it when someone interesting came along. Her eyes flicked to Obi’s angular face for just a moment before looking out the window. It would be better not to travel down that path. 

“What I don’t get…” Obi’s voice turned conversational, and the gorgon returned with their order, placing it on the table. He waited until she had left before speaking again. “...is how you spend all this time at the house, examining up learning our ticks and preferences, and yet you’ve never once… sampled the wares. I mean, we’re literally there to be used. Come in, pay your dues, and get a ride. That’s how it works, Mistress.”

“That’s not true, Obi. And, I wished you wouldn’t it say it like that.” Shirayuki’s face scrunched up and she gave him a firm look, letting him know that his self-deprecating attitude needed to stop. Her heart ached when he talked about himself like that - like he was just a thing. And not for the first time, she wished she knew more about it, if only to understand him a little bit better. “You’re not just some kind of tool meant to be used and then tossed aside. You’re a person, with your own feelings and emotions, not just a thing used for sex.” 

Obi made a face as if there was something to her words that might have hit their mark. He glanced away, letting silence slide over them as he tried to control the conversation again. “That still didn’t answer my question though.” His eyes darkened a shade and he leaned forward across the small table. “Why don’t you sample the wares?”

She sighed, her eyes lifting towards his again. “I’m your doctor, Obi.”

“Doesn’t matter.” He shrugged. “Yuzuri left the clinic, and she still returns to tumble in the sheets with a frost elf.”

Shirayuki’s face fell and she laughed. “She likes Suzu, you know.”

He looked out the window, pretending to be interested in something on the other side of the street. There was a heavy silence that settled over them before he spoke, his words muffled by the sound of the dwarves arguing again. “You could find someone to like too.”

“I like you.” That came out far too breathy and wistful. But if Obi noticed, he chose not to point it out. It was a small kindness.

“Ah, Mistress. That’s not what I mean. Friends are different than lovers.” His smile tilted to the side and he paused, as if running through a few scenarios through his head. They were likely the kinds of things she had seen shoved on corner store shelves - My Daring Incubus had been one she bought on a whim, but couldn’t find the nerve to crack it open. He met her eyes and hummed. “Though I’d be happy to show you around the depths of my room, if you ever get curious.”

Shirayuki shook her head, giving him a flat stare. “You’re just looking for a free meal.”

“You’re not wrong.” His smile never faltered, but Shirayuki noticed the flecks of gold along his skin turned an iridescent silver, and she stared at them watching the thin light of the bar catch the change. 

It was with a strange and sudden clarity that she realized why he wore his cuff at all times - his skin was a tell. Under the cloak of the spell, Obi could charm and lie, and make everyone believe whatever he wanted. But without the spell, there was nothing to stop her from reading the bioluminescence flickering along his skin. She blinked and stared along his forearm, watching as the silver turned pale yellow, and then back into bright gold. When she glanced back into Obi’s face, he was looking away from her, pulling the long sleeves of his t-shirt over his arm. 

“We should finish our drinks and head back.” His voice was soft, as if he knew that she figured out his tell. “I’m sure Yuzuri is almost done, and I should wash up before my client shows. You know humans, they like a clean boy.”

“Right.” Shirayuki muttered and swallowed most of her drink in one gulp, if only to avoid looking at Obi and talking. What did all of that mean? Did he not think of sex with her like a meal? It should have been. She was just his doctor, and barely his friend - although that wasn’t due to lack of trying on her part. In all the time she’d known him, he had never quite opened up to her. She thought that he just wasn’t interested, but maybe it was more than that. Maybe there was something else. Maybe he really was trying to guard himself from her.

The walk back to the house was awkward and tense, but Obi did his best to try and fill it with some kind of conversation. Shirayuki felt as though her world tipped on its side, and she watched him from the corner of her eye, chattering away like nothing had happened in the bar. Of course something had happened, and now it felt like it was changing everything between them all over again. She didn’t want that, not when she wasn’t ready.

She’d be damned if she let him throw up walls again. It had taken nearly two years to get him to feel comfortable around her, and she didn’t want to lose that connection. “We should go out again.” 

Obi jerked, stopping mid-sentence. There was a long moment as he turned toward her, obviously trying to understand her meaning. “Like, on a date?”

Yes. But maybe she shouldn’t admit that yet. Shirayuki gave a thin smile and shrugged. “As friends. Your whole life doesn’t have to be the house, and our relationship doesn’t have to revolve around the clinic.”

He blinked, still surprised. “Wouldn’t the mayor and his brother… not like that? That you’d be out on a date with a redlight incubus, and not just checking his cock at the clinic?”

Shirayuki reeled back a little, surprised at the question. Her mind suddenly felt tangled, as if she was trying to find the reason behind that question, but her thoughts just kept getting tied up in knots. What did Izana and Zen have anything to do with her personal life? “They’re the one campaigning for better fae-human relations. Besides, I don’t see how it matters. I’m not even in their immediate thoughts most of the time.”

Obi’s eyebrows knit together, as if he didn’t quite believe her. “Aren’t you dating Zen?”

Shirayuki jerked back, her heart falling into her stomach. “What?”

“Dating Zen.” He kept staring at her, as if waiting for her to admit this whole thing was a joke. “I mean, that’s what the whole city thinks, you know.” He paused outside the side door to his house, shoving his hands in his jeans to search for his cuff. It was like a security blanket to him, and he and shoved it on his, his blue-gray skin instantly glamored by magic - and masking his tell. “It’s the whole, beautiful prince saves sweet human princess from an attack, and she returns by healing his injuries. I mean the whole city has been talking about it for months. That’s why the neighborhood thinks you’re going to close up the clinic and head out to Wilant hospital. We’re all talking about it.”

“You are not. And that scenario is ridiculous.” Shirayuki gave him a flat stare, shifting her purse on her shoulder. “I doubt that anyone really thinks that, and I can’t imagine that anyone would be all that interested in my personal life. Zen is just a friend, and this whole campaign is so Izana can score a few more points in the polls.”

Obi just shrugged, but there was a tension sliding under his skin, as if he didn’t want to talk about Shirayuki and Zen together. “Suit yourself.” 

“I’m not dating Zen.” Frustration bubbled up in her chest as she repeated herself. “I’m his… his token human.” She flushed, fidgeting again. Saying it out loud made it even more awkward, but it was the truth. “I’m just there to make him and Izana look good.” 

“Mm.” Obi’s response was noncommittal.

That made her angry. Obi was never at a loss for words - unless he wanted to be. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. It’s just an mm.”

Shirayuki sighed, and she crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him. “With you, it’s never just an mm.”

“I just think that based on the way Zen dotes on you, he probably thinks there’s more to the two of you than you do.” Obi shrugged. “Besides, think of how good it looks - his mother was a charming wood-elf socialite and philanthropist, his father a human from a political dynasty, and now he’s got a brilliant human girlfriend who helps the poor, disenfranchised fae. It’s political gold. Even if he doesn’t have feelings for you - which he probably does - you’re the perfect little campaign accessory.” 

Her lips twitched, and her eyes narrowed. His words hit too close to her heart, and it nicked something inside her. She could feel her emotions start to bleed out, mixing with poison, and she took a slow breath, hoping he didn’t see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. “Now you’re just being a jerk. I don’t even know how you come up with these dumb ideas.”

“Yeah? A dumb idea?” His anger spiked and he glared at her, his eyes dark. “Any idiot can see this for what it is, Shirayuki.” He reached up and adjusted the cuff on his ear, as if worried the spell would wear off and she could see his tell. “At least I’m not the one wasting her brilliant life by being a white savior to the poor fae.”

Shirayuki stepped back, feeling a bit like she’d been slapped. Her ears burned with the force of his words and she wasn’t even sure if she heard him right. Obi couldn’t… couldn’t really think that. Could he? His words cut deep, and a tear roll down her cheek before she could stop it. She rubbed the heel of her hand over the trail, blinking and swallowing his words as if they were poison. “Is that… is that what you really think? That I’m just in this to try and save you? From what?”

“Why else would you be here? You have a million other opportunities outside of this hellhole.”

“I’m here because it’s the right thing to do. Because this neighborhood needs help and care just like the rest of the city.” She glared at him, feeling another tear roll over her cheek. She wiped it away and glared at him. “Because I care about you.”  

Obi winced and turned away from her, clenching his fist at his side. There was a long stretch of silence and she started for the door, ignoring the mess he’d left in his wake. Shirayuki wanted to chase after him, to demand he apologize, but she didn’t. She just stood there hoping that maybe he’d realize what he’d done before he crossed the threshold of the house. 

He didn’t. 

“Look, I’ve got to get to work, and Yuzuri is waiting for you in the lobby. Go home.” Pause. “Or, better yet, go back to your socialite not-boyfriend and leave.” It was a command for her, a warning that he was upset and angry and hurt, but like her. They had both said things that had a painful amount of truth, and Shirayuki was left guard her suddenly tender heart. Without another word, he disappeared into the entrance, but Shirayuki didn’t follow. She knew better than to chase him when they were both mad. 

And right now, they were both furious. 

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so today was...a pretty bad day 

my mom had bought some of those test yourself at home drug test kits so that whenever i do this detox stuff i bought i could see if i’d be okay to pass on my own and...

granted, yeah, i should have just stopped smoking the day i found out i’d have to be tested, but the way i saw it was..it wouldn’t have really ultimately mattered that much. 

the stuff i bought is supposed to take about an hour and a half to kick in and then it lasts for 6 hours so you can dupe a test basically. it’s not a real purge, it’s just enough of one to get it out of your system (and have you piss a lot beforehand) that when you take the test, you’re set. 

i’ve heard people have a lot of success with it, so in spite of everything i thought...okay, cool. i should be fine. 

and worst case scenario, let’s say i took a test yourself at home test and i didn’t pass, i would have either tried to take someone else’s urine who i know is clean in or just...called the whole thing off. 

it’s not what i would have wanted to do, but here again...either way i didn’t have enough time to just naturally purge my system. i would have needed weeks, not days. 

given how...bad my mental health has been and all the shit i went through last week and then immediately having to jump into work and be fine, i did indulge some. 

my plan was not to do anything today and tomorrow, drink a lot of water, exercise, and then the morning of i’d wake up early enough to do the detox thing and go from there 

i know it wasn’t the smartest decision, i know it would have been the better thing to just...stop then and there, but here again...i am not doing well in the grand scheme of things and i didn’t want to just drink instead because A. i didn’t want to spend the money on it whereas i already had the other here and B. it’s just not the same. alcohol can either end up making me sick (headache, nauseous, sometimes actually throwing up even after not having all that much) and it can put me in a worse mental state. the other doesn’t do that to me. worst it does is sometimes i fall asleep earlier than i would have liked but that’s...also probably just the exhaustion in general and getting older. 

but basically my mom had wanted me to go ahead and use one of the kits just to see where i was at and i was like...well, it’s going to be positive right now and i had to admit that i haven’t abstained since i got the news i’d be taking this test and she got...pretty mad at me. 

and i get it, like..it was a dumb thing to do, i know that. 

but i ended up breaking down and telling her why and that...didn’t help 

i told her that i’m not okay and haven’t been okay for a super long time and at what level it’s at which is... a lot of the time they’re the only reason i even bother. 

i didn’t say this because by that point i’d done enough damage, but like...honest to god, my plan in life for the longest time has been just sticking around long enough until they both eventually die and if my life still sucks at that point and i still feel this way then like...peace out, i’m finally done. 

i know i can never do anything to myself because i wouldn’t want to put them through that again. i can’t tell you how...trapped that’s made me feel. 

and i’m gonna get into some real shit talk about suicide here so...feel free to not keep reading, but to me having that in my back pocket used to be the only comfort i felt like i really had. 

it’s kind of like making note of where all the exits are when you’re in an unfamiliar place and you’re nervous or you’re on a plane. you don’t necessarily want to have to use those things, but it’s nice knowing that like...if shit goes belly up you’ve got a way out. 

ever since my sister did what she did, my way out was taken from me. i know full and goddamn well the ramifications it would have on my parents if not one, but two of their children (and in my mom’s case, her only children) did that. 

i may be a shitty and selfish person in a lot of regards, but i know that’s not something i could ever do to them and yet...it’s put me in this position where in my absolute worst possible moments i don’t even have that exit sign in the background. i don’t even have that to even begin to think about because it’s a non-option and again...i know that sounds weird and backwards and to anyone else it’s like, “well good, you shouldn’t!!!” but it’s how i feel. right or wrong, it’s how i feel and i’m sorry if it’s wrong, but i’ve had bad mental health for a very, very long time. 

that’s not an exaggeration, that’s not something i’m saying because i want my issues to seem bigger than they are, it’s just the truth of the matter.

and the truth of the matter as well is that i know it could be a lot worse. compared to a lot of friends and family i’ve had, i do fairly well. i’ve been able to hold it together pretty decently. 

the only hits i’ve really taken are my own personal life and the limitations i’ve put on myself, but for the most part i’ve managed to do what i’m supposed to do, be who i’m supposed to be, and just....carry on with shit. 

but it’s been really fucking hard, especially these past few months or maybe even years at this point, i don’t really know. and i know it’s not great to go run to a substance to help you cope with shit, but i figured of all the shit i could be doing to myself and could be getting into i was really doing the least and ultimately my goal in all of this is still to ultimately get to a place where that isn’t something i do because i feel like i can’t cope with life and myself otherwise but just because i want to or it’s fun (which a lot of the time it is, not every day of my life is absolute misery but this past week has been uh...hahah....rough). 

in any case, i...get why dropping that bomb now wasn’t great and i always knew it would be hard for them to hear, but they didn’t really react well at all. 

i know i sometimes keep shit to myself to the point where i think it hurts and frustrates people who care about me because they feel like i don’t trust them or i’m just being stubborn and determined to carry all this shit on me until i can’t anymore, but it’s...it’s this. 

it’s because i always knew on some level that if i got to a point where i did a fuckup because i’m so mentally ill and in such a bad place that trying to explain why and what’s really going on beneath the surface would just result in more hurt and upset and ultimately it wouldn’t be about like....oh anna, i’m so sorry i didn’t realize it was that bad, i’m sorry for yelling at you even though i still think you did a dumb thing it’s just...now i feel bad for making them have to realize this about me and now i just feel...i dunno. 

i know ultimately no matter what the goal of my life should be to want to be alive for myself and really no one else but in my mind it’s just like....oh. the only reasons i’ve even been bothering and have been trying to hold it together for are just...upset at me for this. 

like nobody gave me a hug, nobody told me it’s going to be okay, nobody wanted to actually talk about it, it almost just felt like i did something wrong by saying it and granted, i know it was terrible timing and i was at least able to have my mom admit she could understand why i did and i dunno, maybe everyone just needs to sleep on it and take a step back, but it just hurts 

i don’t think my parents are bad people, i don’t think they hate me or don’t care about me, but i do know that they both have a lot of their own issues and are not the best at communicating shit and all my life it’s always been easier to like...appease me or appease my sister by giving us stuff than it is to actually talk to us. 

if a problem can’t be quickly fixed by doing something or buying something i think it scares them and they don’t want to deal with it. and i brought this specific instance up as well which i’m sure didn’t help, but i felt like i needed to say which is that when i was in high school (freshman year, i think) i had said one day at school that when i got home i was going to kill myself.

i was really upset that day, but it was still pretty early on in the day and i’m sure if i’d just...gone about my business i would have eventually calmed down and would have been fine, but the friends who heard me say this went and reported it and so the counselor had to tell my parents and that...sucked 

during that time my mom was ready to take away all the horror movies i watched, the books i read, and even the music i listened to because she thought that must have been what was making me depressed and at one she at least insinuated that i was only like this because my best friend at the time was having so many problems and so...yeah

and in her mind, all she meant by that was sometimes teenagers will get easily influenced by their friends or will be so close to them that they do take on some of their personality traits or shit like that, but like....i dunno, man. as someone who had for the first time had it be known to their family that they were experiencing suicidal thoughts to have it immediately be blamed on outside sources and the only things in my life that brought me any source of joy or comfort was kind of a pretty big blow and regardless of what she meant or thought she said, i took away from that “you’re just copying your friend, this isn’t real” and so...i never spoke about it again. 

at most, i’ve talked about my anxiety, about things that trigger what i suspect is ptsd, and a liiiittle about depression, but especially since that happened with my sister i’ve tried my very best to keep that from them because i didn’t want them to worry. i understand why they would and trust me, if i’d wanted to throw this in their faces just to hurt them i would have. a long time ago. 

i wish i hadn’t now because it had the very effect i was always afraid of which is that i’d just cause more harm and hurt than i ever would garner understanding for what i’m going through and where i’m at, but what’s done is done, i guess. 

i really wasn’t trying to self-sabotage myself with this whole ordeal and i know it was stupid of me, i know that. i wish i’d been stronger and i just could have gone a few days without doing anything or if nothing else i wish i’d just...taken the test today and been like, “oh no, looks like it was just too in my system period for there to be a difference, hope this detox thing works” but i didn’t. 

i wish for my own sake i was better and certainly by this point in life that these weren’t the kinds of decisions i was making or where i’d be at in life. 

really, if i’d had any kind of handle on my shit at all i would have done everything right from the beginning. 

i wouldn’t have left my other job until i 100% had something lined up and secured and could have just moved smoothly from one thing to the next and none of this would even matter. 

who knows, if i’d done that i could probably already be in therapy by now slowly but surely working on all this shit and then by the time i was ready to talk about this stuff it would have been past tense and sure, there probably would have been some upset over “why didn’t you tell us?” but it at least wouldn’t be like...this. 

this where i’m valid in the fact that i’m clearly going through some shit, clearly have done stupid things because of it and have actively fucked up my life and deserve to have people who care about me be frustrated and upset with me but now it’s like...oh and they also know that you still deal with suicidal thoughts and shit and now THAT’S going to be a thing. 

i dunno. none of this probably makes any sense because i’m in such a weird head space and because i’m clearly not doing so good, but despite what anyone thinks i’ve still been steadfast in the fact that i’m not going to do anything to myself. 

no matter how upsetting today has been i’m not going to go all 13 reasons why and do something like that and hold everyone in my life accountable for it because i know that’s shitty and unfair. i guess i’m just...hurt because i don’t think anybody realizes how hard it’s been for me to keep it together the way i have for so long and how i’ve been doing it for them and yet...when i dare not be okay for like five seconds it’s the end of the goddamn world and the very people i’m trying to stay alive for are just...upset with me over it. they’re more so hurt that i would even insinuate that it’s hard for me to to open up to them and talk about this stuff (especially my dad like... i know he doesn’t mean to do this because he has such bad communication problems that it doesn’t occur to him why this is shitty but like... if you have a problem he can’t just make it better by pointing out the good things and saying, “hey, even if all of this sucks at least there’s this to hold on to” it’s instead like...”it could be a lot worse and i’ve been through a lot worse so i don’t get why you’re so upset” type of thing and that just....doesn’t fucking help. at all. and i know this about him, so i especially don’t try to talk to him about shit and i do talk to my mom about more stuff, but i guess anything that even seems like it could reflect badly on her and make her feel like she failed as a parent is tough for her to have to hear, hence why the first time around it couldn’t even just be that i had a chemical imbalance or anything like that it was...my friend’s fault or the media i liked’s fault and i very quickly got the impression that hey, this isn’t someone i can talk to about this stuff so i just...haven’t). 

and i know it’s not fair to generalize shit like this and just shut down and refuse to talk to anyone about anything, especially when i’ve had validating experiences in talking to other people about my problems and it’s been fine, but....overall this is something i struggle with and it’s not something i do to intentionally hurt or shut anyone out. 

it’s because of shit like this specifically. that i’m so afraid if i finally say, “hey, i’m really not okay here” or i do something that reveals as much that the response is going to be so much more about other shit than it is like...holy shit, are you okay, though? what can we do about this? 

i know i’m an adult, i know it’s ultimately my responsibility to deal with all of this and it’s ultimately down to me to actually fix this and get a handle on things, i just...had hoped i’d be able to before i ever let it be known just how bad things were because i didn’t feel like i’d be taken seriously and now...well....i dunno. 

like i said, maybe everyone just needs some time to settle down and get some sleep and shit because i realize this wasn’t the right time to drop this bomb and it is indeed a bomb (for them at least, and that’s what i have to keep reminding myself is that even though i’ve obviously known i’ve felt this way a long time...they clearly haven’t) but i also don’t really know when the right time would have been, y’know? 

if things had been going perfectly well and especially seeing as how for the most part i have held up so well like.......how would that have gone? if i’d just out of the blue sat them down and said, “hey, i know everything seems great right now and you’re not at all worried about me, but guess what? you should be.” 

i just can’t imagine that going over so well, so...yeah, i brought it up now because shit’s pretty awful and i was getting yelled at for doing something that, admittedly, was dumb but was the direct result of shit being pretty bad and i felt like that was as good of a time as any to admit what’s really been going on with me. i’m sorry it wasn’t convenient, but it is what it is. 

idk. maybe this needed to happen so that, yet again, i get it through my skull that if i’m going to do this, if i’m really going to get better, that it has to be for me first and foremost and that i can’t have the only reason i try at all before for other people, but i wish there had been a like...gentler way to get that through to me? or maybe i’m so stubborn it had to be this bad? i don’t know. 

i’d just...really like to have everything stop falling on top of me all the time. even from my own actions like...i just want to get to that place in the future where i’ve finally done the hard work of getting better and all of this is behind me and i’m at least okay. i don’t have to be great, my life doesn’t have to do a complete 180, but just somewhere better than this where i feel like i have a better handle on things. 

there’s also that skin-crawly feeling of just...you said too much. you shared too much. you let people in. you let people know something. and yeah, i’m obviously doing that now but it’s easy to tell yourself that if you post something like this that very few people will read it and the people that do are at least in the same boat or have been in the same boat or who aren’t people in my life who would be super emotionally impacted by something like this, y’know? 

i know part of getting better will entail opening up more to others, even when there’s a potential for it to backfire and go badly like it has today, but right now i’m not really in the place to handle that kind of reaction so it’s been hard and made even harder by the fact that i’ve obviously not indulged today so like...shit’s gonna be really rough for me

i’m not going to proof read this because i just don’t have the energy so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make any sense or if just in general this is upsetting to read. i feel like all i do is get on here to complain about my problems and cry about how much i hate my life and i hate that, but already i have such a hard time opening up and talk about shit even when i know i have people i can talk to who won’t judge me or make things worse and this certainly hasn’t helped so this one’s going to the void 

i’m going to still try to pursue therapy (even tho just sitting down and picturing talking to someone about any of this makes me immediately burst into tears, so that’s a good sign) but for today and probably tomorrow i just need to like...distract myself i guess. 

so far i’ve just been watching youtube videos and playing games on my phone which has worked pretty well. i feel like everything’s kind of weighing on how monday goes and if i do one of these at home tests before i leave and it’s still positive i think i’ll just call the whole thing off, even if i have to lie and say i found another job or something like that, i’ll do it and i’ll bust my ass until i’m able to find something else even if it’s something i’m going to hate doing or that doesn’t pay that much, just...anything to be out of this situation at this point. i’m really hoping this stuff i bought really does work like everyone says it does and like i said, all of this stress and worry will have been for nothing in the first place, but...still. gonna be a little rough until then. may try to sleep a lot tomorrow too just so i can get to that day and get it over with, whatever the outcome ends up being. 

this is far too long so i’ll wrap this up now, but i’m okay (not generally speaking, but in the here and now). i’m not going to do anything. i don’t really want to talk about it anymore than what i’ve typed out, at least for right now. i’m sorry for complaining so much and i hope one day soon i’ll have good things to share and stuff i can post about that i’m proud of myself for, but today’s definitely not that day. 

i don’t say this because i want anyone to dunk on my parents or tell me that they’re bad people because they’re not. i’d obviously hoped for better reactions, but knowing them and knowing what we’ve all been through i always knew on some level this wouldn’t go over well and unfortunately because of my own actions it’s all sort of come to a head today and it wasn’t great. i just need some place to like...get this out and i feel like i have so i’m going to go back to distracting myself. i know just about everyone i know is also going through some shit right now and i hope we all soon can catch a fucking break because jesus christ, man.