#and how badly i want validation on my creative works constantly

[tenderrevelations]

The Unwavering Allowing of Transition

“You are you and the work is the work” Both concepts exist in connection with one another.

A place like New York where inspiration could cross your path just by walking down the street. Yet we become conflicted by trying to adhere to the norms of this mindless working society. “Go to work. Get shit done. HUSTLE. HUSTLE. HUSTLE.”

Knowing your creative spirit is what moves you everyday, how frustrating it can be to not be able to pinpoint where it’s resting its head. How badly we want to lock ourselves in a sunlit room, paint, instruments and countless pages of paper and pens to let the imagination actually run.

We work the muscles of the mind. We stretch the muscles of the spirit. I find myself harmonizing in my head, wishing someone to join me with their imaginary trumpet or take it away with their guitar solo. Photo books are particularly grounding lately; visual representation of life embodying art in its truest form. Days where I’d capture my friends in their hardest moments, crying in their hands from a love lost, all on a disposable camera; those were the moments where I felt my art to be the most validating. Seeing true pain, true emotion on film and having that memory in my hands. The one truth that has been the hardest to grasp lately is the knowing that nothing stays stagnant. Everything changes and shifts even when you don’t want it too. I come back to old stomping grounds to find firm sensations of familiarity and land in a place that feels foreign to the naked eye. Places that were once so dear to me, stripped away of its original charm and grief overcomes me like the harsh power of a NYC fire hydrant. The stripping away of authentic NYC culture feels like a metaphor for understanding the ebb and flow of transition. Wether we like it or not, we are here and we are changing. One day we are here. Next day we are not. “The person who starts the work, won’t be the same person who comes back the next day to finish the work.” The purpose of all of this, is profound connection. We all desire to become closer to each other in one way or another. Be it collaboration or meaningful conversation, we want to know that we are not doing this alone. Sometimes we force connection in hopes that it sticks, yet the rule of inevitable change reminds us that force only brings more friction. So where does that lead us? Allowing. Some call it the path of least resistance, others call it radical acceptance. Either way you spin it, you let go, or be dragged. It almost feels like the answer to success is in some sort of literal equation.

Allowing + Risk taking x consistency = Ultimate Contentment.

Constantly having to break through old familiar patterns to embrace the unknown can feel exhausting. Perhaps photography is where we can find the middle ground. Being able to capturing what you know and cherish and still allowing it to change in the future knowing that it lives in your mind and on your camera. A heartwarming transition into a new beginning. I recall those moments where I’ve captured strangers. A small conversation that sometimes led to full blown friendships and other epiphanies that only could’ve happened by releasing the grasp of fear.

The power of a capturing lens. Acknowledging that your view is a valid one is the beginning stage of self

acceptance. The beginning stage of the birth of a confidence that cannot be taken away. Regardless of criticism, one stands firm in their point of view, especially when it’s a view born out of creativity. Yet there are those moments where the view starts changing. The shock of the unfamiliar begins to make us glitch in such an extreme way and we need time to readapt to the new norm. Radical acceptance comes out and stands in front of us, forcing us to acknowledge what is there. It’s only when we say “I see you” that Radical acceptance can step aside and let us through.

Why do we unconsciously force the hand of others for our own comfort? We cultivate these connections for mutual support and somehow find ourselves gripping onto ideas that do not apply. Our perceptions sometimes do not align with others, yet somehow we ignore our intuition and insist on clashing in hopes we win some sort of secret friendship game. The Ego is the only one that understands the rules. I’m here to learn from others while also expressing and validating my own work. I’m finally accepting that my perception of life isn’t for everyone and I have to learn how to be okay with not being everyones cup of tea. I know that it may feel a bit isolating at times and nobody ever wants to force a relationship, however I’m learning to listen with intention and remember that the melting pot that is community has its own purpose. To create, heal, destroy, learn, teach, love, bring joy to, shape etc. Everyone has a place in the pot.

The allowing. The art of letting go and letting God. That oceanic exhale that lifts that weight off your shoulder.

[ikatako38]

Hey all, I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news

is that TPWCH is going on an emergency (unplanned) hiatus. This means I won’t be making any effort to work on the fic or any related work such as art and side projects, whicle I try to get myself back on my feet. This means we might miss the 2nd Anniversary Special, but I will post it eventually even if it’s late. I’m really excited to share it with you! I don’t know how long this emergency hiatus is going to be, but I think somewhere around a month would be a reasonable estimate. Keep in mind that this is when I’ll start working on things again, so it might be a few more weeks after that before you start seeing content again.

The good news

is that I’m going to be emptying out all my WIPs, notes, and any other content I can easily throw at you guys to help hold you over throughout the break! So anyone following me here should be getting a bunch of exclusive content over the next several weeks.

Also,

since everything’s getting pushed back, I think now would be a good a time as any to start Ship Wars! I’m not going to put an exact start date on it yet, because it will take a bit of work to kickstart, and I don’t know when I’ll get around to that, but once I do get it started it should mostly run itself!

So…

I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but thank you guys so much for sticking around with me through all of this. I’m painfully aware that I’ve only uploaded one and a half official chapters since April, and I know that I’ve lost a lot of readers because of that. So again, thank you so much for staying. It really means the world to me.

I’m sure the question a lot of you probably have on your mind right now is, Is Tako ever actually going to finish TPWCH? And with how things have been going lately, that’s a very valid question. To be 100% honest with how I’m feeling another the fic right now, I kind of wish it could just be done already. Or that it could just somehow write itself. But the reason for that is that I’m so excited to share with you all other parts of the TPWCH universe that are just waiting to be written! I really don’t see myself dropping the TPWCH universe anytime soon, and I really don’t see myself dropping TPWCH itself anytime soon, either. And an important reason for that is simply that… I don’t have any other ideas to write. Even for other fandoms. It’s a bit crazy just how strong of a hold TPWCH has had on me for three years now.

By the way, that’s not normal for me. Back on my FFN and Wattpad days (don’t bother going to look for my accounts, they don’t exist… yet 👀), I was usually working on 3-5 fics at once and was constantly having ideas for new ones, to where it was a struggle to keep up and I to make hard decisions about priority. I don’t know if I’ve gotten less creative with ideas as I’ve gotten older or whether TPWCH is just the first universe to be so interesting to me that I don’t have any need or desire to come up with new things outside of it.

Either way, if I have no desire to work on other things, the only way TPWCH would ever stop is if I stopped writing altogether, and that’s just not going to happen. Writing has been a huge part of my life since I was ten, and maybe even younger. It’s my most important hobby and makes me happy. If I don’t do it for too long, it’ll actually make my mental state worse.

So I really don’t want you guys to think that this is like a vacation for me, or some sort of respite from the… AWFUL chore of writing. (　ﾟдﾟ) Really it’s more like I’m grounded from writing until I can get my grades up. (;_;) The grades in this case, yes being my university grades but also my life in general because it’s been kind of a mess lately. Within the last two weeks, I fell out with two of the closest people I’ve ever been to and pretty much the only irl friends I have at this point (the Discord server will know who these people are). One of them going very badly and increasing my conviction that everyone secretly hates me. （╹◡╹）On top of that my room is slowly becoming uninhabitable, I’m not sleeping, and I’m just constantly stressed and anxious. But I’m gonna be okay. The fallings-out are very fresh and will fade with time, and just two days ago I finally got a consultation for ADHD. I now have initial diagnoses of ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder, which I should be starting treatment for in about a month, so I’m really hoping that will help me somewhat to get back on track. And all the support from everyone between Discord, here and AO3 has always helped, and I’m sure it will continue to help. Many of the people I’ve met online through the fic have ironically been far more supportive and trustworthy than the people I’ve met irl. You’re all so real for that ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Wow, that got really long! Thank for reading this far!

[diariesofapisces]

So Much To Say, No Energy To Say It.

Where do I even begin concerning the weird place I am in right now. I' 'll start by saying all the things I am widely enjoying right now. I like to play Minecraft and build my cherry blossom village and I like it even better late at night when I can sleep. I like to make things out of air clay and paint them while watching stupid videos on YouTube. I like to make jewelry while watching stupid YouTube videos on my laptop, or serious shows on the TV. I like to set up everything around me so it feels like a safe creative corner. I like when my art stuff is sprawled all over. It's still a depression space and habit but it's the best version of a depression room I can afford. I've been drinking lots of water to the point where I need my water bottle all the time. I am eating well and I have a balanced diet. I also love tanning wiht my set up but I can't right now, but I will when my mom is gone. I've also been moving to Kytrnada and I still love the Red Bulls sadly. Hopefully, I can replace them with slurries. I also love hanging out with Audrey and doing stupid stuff with her. Those are the things that are getting me out of bed and I have a whole other list of things I want to do. So why do I still feel like I wanna km? I feel like I am missing chunks of my life that are supposed to just be there. I look around at my environment constantly analyzing what it means and Eveyrone has the things I am missing. One of the big things I have discovered is my mental illness. I am the most mentally ill person in my friend groups. I can't really think of a person who has a harder time mentally than me. The thing about being Bipolar is that I have a hard time making human meaningful connections. A lot of times my friends are in a way parasitic becuase I focus on what I can give and get in a friendship and not the actual person. That's how I felt I was with Spencer. I was so focused on what I wanted him to give me ( validation) because I was going to give him something ( my validation). That is how I have been with all my friendships and it all ended badly. I don't know what intimacy is. I thought I did but after sophomore year my little mental bubble popped. I am constantly living in my own world with my own mental rules. It takes a lot for me to take my head out of my own ass, but I am trying, unlike some people. I am working very hard as you can see from this blog I am trying to take the inner beats. That inner beast being Bipolar disorder, nothing cringe. My worst enemy is myself.

[bvnfjr]

I keep trying to find the right words to write but nothing feels strong enough for the amount of remorse and regret I feel about potentially breaking something in you again. For that, I am truly sorry and I feel ashamed and guilty about how much of my own self-interest allowed me to fuck up your current life. I have only ever wanted to bring you joy and love, and for the second time in my life I have done the opposite, and that kills me. I am so sorry.

I don’t want you to regret leaving me. It happened. We built our lives and made our own choices, some good, some bad. I don’t regret the lives we lived. Also, we can’t know for sure that things would have been better if we had stayed together. We could have made each other miserable and in another parallel universe, you could be feeling regrets about staying with me for the past seventeen years. Everything past the point of our relationship is hypothetical and while we have created beautiful situations in our heads, it’s all fantasy and imagination. I do not deny the way we feel for each other is real. I know our love is deep and true and special, but having them now does nothing but cause each other to yearn and want the impossible. And that is causing some very real damage for you.

I’m sorry for being so selfish. For constantly popping into your life with words that are better left to myself. I am sorry for being so nosey, curious and finding external validation in you. It wasn’t fair to come in and fuck your shit up like that, just because I am messy at the moment. I don’t want to muddy up your life. I don’t want our chaos affect your real life and your real relationships. I have always wanted to be someone safe, comfortable, warm and joyful to you. And right now, I feel very much like the opposite of that, and it makes me feel quite ill to be honest.

I love you so much.

I care for you so warmly and so deeply that all I ever want to do is talk to you and tell you that I love you, that I find you adorable and gorgeous and I want to spend the rest of my life kissing that beautiful face of yours and sleeping in your nook forever. I have really enjoyed the conversations we have had recently. It is just so easy to talk to you and I ride that high for hours, knowing that there is someone in the world that I can talk to so freely and honestly, and know that they are so safe that I could never say anything that would cause them to judge me.

But I also love you so much in a way that I know that talking like this will kill us. And I won’t allow that. It’s obvious that you need to figure some of your stuff out, and you probably need to do that without me clouding up your judgement. You need to water your grass, and see what is growing and what isn’t. Work hard to create the life that you strive for. The one where curiosity, creativity and play lead to contentment and genuine happiness. And I want you to do that with her. Or at least try. Because I think you two could have an absolutely beautiful life together, once you both get out of this rut. One where you don’t have to give up everything and live in a city you don’t love for someone who doesn’t even know if she truly believes in the love you so badly want and deserve.

I don’t know what I am saying either in this letter. Probably just a big, fat apology for opening that can of worms. If you wanna talk to me about this letter, I am happy to talk to you. But if you decide to stop talking to me for a while, or for forever, I understand that too.

I am so sorry.

[chemicaljacketslut]

i wish i weren’t such a recluse man 😭

[hillarysss]

RAHU IN THE HOUSES🦹🏽‍♀️

Heyy guys I’m back :)) I’ve just been focusing on myself lately. And I’ve been wanting to talk about more Vedic astrology since I know some of my followers really like Vedic! There isn’t one that is better or worse but personally do think that Vedic can be more helpful when it comes to life events and predictions. ☺️ 

RAHU PLANET COMBINATIONS

Some words associated with Rahu:  confusion, obsession, travel, diseases. 

Rahu is not a physical planet.

Rahu is a malefic planet, meaning whatever house is in even though there is houses Rahu excels in  (3rd, 6th, 10th, 11th) it still brings malefic effects, that’s what it does. 

Some of my interprations may not resonate because it depends on the whole chart. These are some general intepretations.

How to calculate my Vedic Birth-chart? 

https://vaultoftheheavens.com/ChartCreatorLahiri/Welcome.aspx << (Click North Indian, it is preferred) 

Rahu in 1st house: Such person is incredibly intelligent. But doesn’t always use it for good. They can find themselves in a lot of scandals. Loves material things and go as far as recklessly loosing money for luxury. Identity issues, needs validation. Such person has incredible good motivation to reach a higher status in life and will most likely not fail to do so. However, if Rahu is bad placed in a sign it can bring issues with the physical body and mental health. This placement is prone to be mentally ill. Goes through a bunch of obstacles in early life. If Rahu is in a good sign, wealth is a common theme for this placement.

Rahu in 2nd house: Such person is most likely attached to their family image, may know multiple languages or is interested to do so. You may have intrusive thoughts and can suffer not knowing what is the reason to keep living. Low self-esteem. If in a exalted sign could have a rich partner. Even if they are attached to family image their family probably isn’t as good as they want it to be. They care a lot about their image. Has intellect with their words and knows what to say and this will get them to such higher position in life. Speaks quite fast.

Rahu in 3rd house: This is flavorable placement for Rahu. (: Could have bad relationships with siblings or have a brother.(If Malefic, If in a good sign you have a very good relationship with your siblings.** You express your opinions openly and this can make you someone a lot of people look up to especially on the web. Most likely will go on a bunch of mini vacations. Such person has ego and loves being unique. Intelligent people. Since Rahu is associated with Illusion such people can make up fake scenarios and stories just for their own ego and validation. Type to make original stories way more dramatic to please other people. Manipulative but doesn’t get caught easily. Natural charm. 

Rahu in 4th:  From my observations, people with Rahu in 4th could have a famous family member or/and a family member that is quite wealthy. The more feminine figure (Usually the mother) plays a big role for people with Rahu in 4th. You can usually find this placement in big internet trolls as person lacks empathy to other people perspective. Impulsive. Person may move a lot. Probably doesn’t live where they were born. May have very unusual secretive hobbies. Family may not know them a lot since person can be quite secretive. Mother could’ve suffered from something and could’ve been delusional. Mother may always put pressure. Generous but with big ego. Most likely donates their money to special things. 

Rahu in 5th: Most likely wants to be famous and will go to absurd lengths to get it. Can and might as well step on others in order to get their goal. However, this placement makes someone clever and very creative! May not have any children or could damage their children. Was probably the mean popular girl. Confident but sometimes over the top. Can benefit from investments. Likes to learn new things and has a bunch of stored knowledge. Loves books. Interested in singing or any creative field.

Rahu in 6th: Persuasive individuals. Opstimistic about challenges. Most likely has very good health.  May be involved in traumatic events like kidnapping or theft. Criminal record is found in Rahu in 6th individuals. Very good with fighting. Will benefit greatly with their own bussiness. People look up to them but yet initmidated. Such individual most likely has a controversial status yet powerful. Very strategic. You can’t beat them in arguements.

Rahu in 7th: Unhappy marriage is very possible here. Has a bunch of sexual partners and most likely has a lot of relationships. Is obsessed with the idea of another being in their life. Has to be careful about what they say cause anything they say can be used very badly especially with partnerships. Info might be exposed things they only gave to their partners. Such as nudes being exposed or anything very personal. Most likely will have a bunch of achievements in life. Confusion within their own personality. Highly dominating. Will be known. Very skillful and knows how to use it to their advantange. Can be very spiritual. Can push their opinions on to others.

Rahu in 8th: A lot of physical issues is promiment. Issues with law. Will have a bunch of changes throughout their life wether they’re good or bad they will happen often. Your family may suffer with money. Could end up homeless at some point. Has very good charm with people. Deaths can be a common theme here. Good researches and can find out anything & can detect bullshit. May have thought about being a detective during their life. Interest in astrology. Wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of you guys have this lol. Extremely good intuition. Great mind for researching the occult. 

Rahu in 9th: Constantly doubts everything and everyone, may have trust issues. Stubborn minded people. Very big love on foreign lands. Good common sense and can excell in politics. May fake their background to fit in. May have a bad relationship with the father figure. Constantly wastes money. But they can also have income from many different sources. Wants the truth and only that. Interest in traveling abroad. Could be seen as mean. Will seek higher knowledge and the truth. 

Rahu in 10th: Will experience a bunch of life changing events in life. This usually brings more positive than negative here. (It depends on aspects) . Rahu in 10th is found in extremely sucessfull individuals. May change workplace quite often. Something common with this placement is rag to riches. Such person could’ve been born in a poor environment and then they rise up to fame and recognition. They succeed professionally. Could have interest in Social Work. Can use their tactics for the wrong way to get what they want. However, love life may suffer. 

Rahu in 11th: Type of person to have had interactions with people of power. Prone to miscarriages. Will succeed in Marketing. Has a bunch of dreams they wanna chase after. Friendships will help a bunch to this native this lifetime. (: Receives much love from others but may not give it back..  Always sees the good in everyone and this can set them back. Should be careful when taking advice from others. Can be extremely naive. Will use their imagination this lifetime to achieve higher power and is possible they will succeed doing so.

Rahu in 12th: Will achieve good success relating to Spiritual growth. May write books or blogs about their spiritual knowledge. Could be psychic or/and astrologer. Most likely won’t have a traditional career. Can cause trouble relating to professional life. May have long-distance partners. Could be prone to being catfished. A lot of healers have this placement. May have trouble sleeping. Very religious or can be very attached to their own beliefs. Will go to extra lengths to escape from reality. Compassionate human being.

Let me know if you guys want more Vedic content. Give some feedback  🥰

[sepublic]

           I love Eda. I just… LOVE how great of a parent she is, how she always makes it clear to Luz that she doesn’t expect anything of her, like in the Season Finale when she tells Luz that it’s not her fault, that Luz is a kid and she shouldn’t expect herself to rescue Eda; Eda made her own decisions, Luz is a CHILD and she needs to prioritize her own wellbeing! She is perfect and lovable as-is, Luz doesn’t have to do anything to earn Eda’s love…

           And then when Luz chickens out of fighting Grom, Eda doesn’t hold it against her! She tells Luz that it’s okay to make mistakes, that it’s fine for her to get in over her head, Luz isn’t a bad person for not living up to her role as a ‘hero’ to take on Grom… She’s just a kid, she shouldn’t have to handle this- And again, it’s not dismissive of Luz, either! When Eda reiterates to Luz that she’s a child, and that it’s best for the adults to be responsible in providing actual support and care towards Luz (and that she is rightfully entitled to that care), she doesn’t patronize Luz! Eda doesn’t remind Luz is a child to dismiss her, she does it to reassure her…

           And I really love how Eda is making it clear to Luz that this girl deserves so much, that she’s right to ask for things- She’s not being greedy, and she’s not being a burden! Luz deserves the world and the chance to fully indulge herself and who she is… Eda has no expectations for Luz, she just wants to support Luz in whatever she chooses to come, while occasionally providing protection and support- Because she’s an adult. And Eda wants Luz to understand that adults and parents (surrogate or otherwise) are 100% expected to do the best for kids, and that children shouldn’t hold themselves to any standards or expectations put upon them.

           Like the beginning of The First Day! It’s a funny joke, but also so sweet and meaningful, how Eda keeps giving Luz the chance to back out… She’s not actively dissuading Luz from joining Hexside, she’s just making it clear that if Luz ever decides to change her mind, she’s valid! Eda’s not going to hold it over her head, say I Told You So… Eda just wants the best for Luz and she trusts Luz’s judgment on what’s the best for herself. If Luz changes her mind and decides to back out of Hexside, then she’s perfectly valid- Just as she’s valid for going to Hexside in the first place! Luz isn’t a coward, Eda isn’t going to harshly hold her to her word or anything… Luz is allowed to make mistakes, Eda wants Luz to know that she’ll never force her to do something that truly makes her uncomfortable. Eda’s not going to hold it against Luz if she’s ever wrong about anything, all Eda wants is to be a safety net for Luz, so that Luz is free to explore different options as much as she wants without having to worry about being hurt in the process!

           Eda isn’t encouraging Luz to be a Quitter… She’s just letting the girl know that this an option, without trying to undermine Luz’s decision to go to Hexside, if she decides to go through with it in the end. Eda makes it clear to Luz that there’s no shame in prioritizing one’s health and safety over proving a point, she’s here to relieve any burdens from Luz… And Luz, this means SO MUCH to her! I don’t think she’s ever had an adult who’s been so unconditionally accepting and supportive before… The closest was her mother Camila, but as a single mom and a nurse, you KNOW Camila’s job is busy enough to create a distance between her and Luz, amidst Camila admittedly not accepting Luz’s ‘quirks’, and lumping them in as the same as her character flaws at the beginning of the show.

          I doubt Camila ever thought of it that way, nor did she ever implicate it- But when you’re inscure and lonely like Luz, and you rightfully feel bad for your mother who’s incredibly stressed and constantly working to pay bills and accommodate their child… It can make a kid feel like a burden sometimes, no matter how hard Camila may try not to let Luz feel that way. It’s why the Boiling Isles is amazing for Luz- She definitely had love from Camila, but the Boiling Isles, and the Owl House specifically, provides an environment where Luz can actually feel safe and free to explore herself, without any particular system bearing down on her.

          Granted, there IS the Coven System, so Luz didn’t exactly escape that… But for the most part, there’s a certain relief granted to Luz ever since she arrived on the Boiling Isles. And, I think Camila would be incredibly happy to see her daughter so at ease and away from the burdens of their life in the human world, with a surrogate parent who has the time, energy, and wisdom to provide so much for Luz, when Camila otherwise has to focus on putting food on the table.

           I just… LOVE Eda, and I want the best for Camila as well, so having her meet Eda would be great! And I just really appreciate how while Eda knows she’s not perfect and that even she has much to learn from life… She’s still clearly learned a lot. She never dismisses Luz and lets her feelings be valid while taking them into account, like when she responds to Luz’s complaints in Adventures in the Elements… Eda doesn’t want to burden Luz and make the girl feel obligated to be her caretaker as the curse gets worse.

          She prioritizes Luz so much more than just a means to an end, or a student to show off her teaching prowess- Yeah she made that initial mistake in Covention, but clearly Eda has grown since then! You can really tell that Eda learned and encourages others to be themselves, how she’s grappled with a system with such expectations and rejected it, and how it influences the way she interacts with other characters. She experienced first-hand a conformative system, and Eda decided that nobody else should ever have to feel like how she, or any of her peers, ever did! Eda was so badly hurt and traumatized, but she never got bitter. She never got entitled. Eda didn’t use her pain nor her trauma as an excuse to lash out at others, or as a justification for any flaws and mistakes on her own end.

          Eda certainly doesn’t want to project onto people, she wants people to exist completely free of any kind of restraints like that, and she’ll fight even herself to ensure the best for everyone! Because that’s just what Eda wants… the best for everyone, and she’s no doubt SO proud of Luz for managing to make a change that really implements this wish, even if Eda doesn’t hold Luz to keep up with this role. Eda always makes sure to remind Luz, consistently, that she’s free to do pursue whatever path she wants for herself, that Eda isn’t going to be disappointed in her, and that Eda is THERE to provide for Luz and take the burden for her- Because Luz is a kid, so she deserves to just go out, and enjoy herself!

          Eda tells Luz that she has a lot to offer the world herself- That Eda WILL listen to her, that Luz is so smart and clever and wise in her own way. Eda makes Luz feel valid and understood by actively listening to her, Eda reassures Luz that she isn’t just some dumb kid- Luz’s ideas have plenty of worth in their own right, Luz can teach Eda a lot herself as well! And it’s all just so… HONEST, refreshing, and validating to see Eda be so upfront and take so much initiative into providing this kind of reassurance, verbally and out loud without any room for doubt, to Luz! Eda isn’t trying to be coy, she’s honest and communicative, genuine, and upfront about who she is, and what she believes in!

          In a sense, Eda’s kind of illuminating in her own way, like Luz, showing Luz that she’s not a freak nor a loser or idiot, but a wonderful and creative person! Which fits, because Luz and Eda are two sides of the same coin! It really is refreshing and relieving to see such a mature, kindly, and providing mentor/parental figure. Eda will never blame Luz or try to hold her accountable to someone else’s mistakes, least of all of her own… Luz deserves to be completely unvinvolved and free of that kind of mess.

          Eda makes it clear to Luz that it’s not Luz who’s the failure, it’s the adults/system who are at fault for not being good enough… It’s so genuinely selfless, and in a way that still provides plenty of room for Eda to be herself, and to encourage Luz to do the same! Eda really went through a lot of missed-out experiences and decided that everybody else should get them, without forcing these experiences onto people to vicariously live out a missed youth, either! Luz and Eda really feed and play into one another as such a healthy and loving dynamic and relationship… It’s just UTTERLY WHOLESOME, and my heart can’t take it!

[ao3-sucks]

An Archive of Someone’s Own: my experiences being groomed in fandom circles on AO3

TW: Childhood sexual abuse, grooming, mentions of incest and rape.

I used to be a big writer of fanfiction. It was the logical choice for me. I loved to write and create bold and immersive worlds, and I craved an audience who would enjoy my work as much as I did. Since my writing wasn’t actually good, I needed a community of other amateurs who wouldn’t mind that, and by tweaking my characters and settings into ones from canonical media, I got the audience I so craved.

I started writing fanfiction online when I was 14, posting initially on FanFiction.net and then moving to AO3 a few months later. As I got back into writing original fiction towards the end of high school, I lost interest in this community, and it’s been a long time since I posted anything much on AO3.

I’ve always struggled with the fact I display a lot of symptoms of CSA, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. Throughout my teen years, I refused to get changed or bathe when anyone was even vaguely nearby, constantly paranoid about being spied on; I developed a severe touch phobia, and would have frequent panic attacks from something as small as brushing arms with a passerby; I resolutely identified as asexual and refused to get into anything resembling a relationship with others because the very concept disgusted and repulsed me.

Weird, considering I had grown up pretty normal and all of these symptoms had started around my early teens. It was only when I told my friends about my friendship with a 30 year old I had met online that the pieces started falling into place for me.

Child grooming is usually discussed in the context of one adult going out of their way to befriend a child with the goal of lowering their resistance to sexual abuse, through normalisation and friendliness. I’d like to talk about how that worked on the fanfiction website AO3. Since it’s an open website and most communication takes place between anonymous users or accounts in the comments section of a work, there is very little delineation between spaces for adults to discuss whatever dark topics they like and spaces for kids to do the same.

This frequently leads to pretty inappropriate conversations between people of widely varying ages and life experiences, which is how I ended up talking sex as a fourteen year old with people ranging from a couple of years older than me, who were generally okay, to more than twice my age. The 30 year old in question listed on her profile how many pedophilic ships she loved, and she knew my age but pushed me to keep discussing sexual topics with her. Sounds like a red flag, yeah? Well. I was 14, and very stupid.

This 30 year old woman, who I will call Aku (because it’s similar to her screen name and because it’s funny to name her after the bad guy from Samurai Jack) would start conversations with me whenever I posted anything to AO3 and would refuse to take no for an answer when I tried to back out of conversations with her, and since these conversations were public and occurring within comments, I didn’t want to be rude to her since this was taking place on content I was trying to promote.

I told her my age multiple times and she would either pretend she forgot from last time (saying her memory is super bad) or continue as though it was just trivia about me and not a sign she shouldn’t have been pushing me. My primary objection to what she would say to me (since most of it was just her being annoying) was her insistence on sexualising everything I wrote, and her determination to push me into writing pornographic content, which I eventually gave in to.

Yes, she was a terrible person. She emailed me using her personal email address, so I know her full name and place of residence, because she’s an idiot. These emails also contain sexually explicit materials. Nothing much ever happened between us except for these very creepy interactions and the fact we remained online friends for a few years. But here’s the thing: she wasn’t the only person pushing me into creating sexual content. Lots of people would comment on my writing demanding that I show explicit sexual content when I really didn’t want to.

After a while it felt like I couldn’t write a longer, romantic fanfiction without including explicit sexual content. Like my work wasn’t valid without it. Other, more popular writers were usually sexual in their content, and I wanted to be like them and bring in the views, right? So, when I look at my back catalog of works, I can see how my content moved from completely non-sexual to featuring sexual content over time, and the views usually came with. In this way, I was in an environment that was encouraging me on many levels to sexualise my own work, which impacted the way I thought about my creative process.

Here’s another example I remember. When I was a young sprout, I remember reading down someone’s list of fanfiction recommendations and seeing a work called Hug Therapy, which I promptly read. While the work is marked as explicit and containing the Loki/Thor pairing, the use of relationship and rating tags on AO3 is so poorly regulated that it didn’t really mean anything to me to see either of those. People tag hardcore material as non-explicit and tag friendships as relationships, because there’s no motivation to tag properly. Plus, someone I followed here on Tumblr had recommended it to me.

Now, you wouldn’t know from the listing, but while this piece starts out as comedy, it turns out in the end to include rape, incest, and BDSM in very explicit terms. The fact it was tagged as being explicit didn’t slow me down, because the liberal use of these tags could mean that an explicit tag was just there because sexual content was implied or mentioned, which I thought would be the case based on the rest of the listing. Out of curiosity, I recently tried to report this work to the moderators for containing no warnings about incest or rape, and I got this in response:

“Selecting “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings” satisfies a creator’s obligation under the warnings policy. Users who wish to avoid specific elements entirely should not access fanworks marked with “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings”. Our Terms of Service note: “You understand that using the Archive may expose you to material that is offensive, triggering, erroneous, sexually explicit, indecent, blasphemous, objectionable, grammatically incorrect, or badly spelled. ….. This decision is in accordance with our policy of maximum inclusiveness; we have therefore closed this case and will not be investigating further.”

Which, yeah, I guess. The frustration comes from how ‘Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings’ is an extremely commonly used tag, and most things that it’s used on are totally harmless.

This fanfiction, which I was recommended by a friend, is hugely popular, in the top 60 most read fanfictions in the entire fandom. You wanna hear the kicker? The author, Astolat, is one of the founders of AO3. They’re not just some random author who isn’t following the rules. They’re a creator of the whole website, and they made the rules. This is pretty telling about how seriously the website actually takes protecting their users.

My final example I want to give is one of fetish content. People in fetish communities generally (not always) say that fetishes are probably something one should work up to after the onset of sexual activity, especially potentially harmful stuff like BDSM. In the circles I was running in, if you weren’t sporting a fetish or two (no matter your age) you were a boring bitch.

Maybe this isn’t true of everywhere in the fanfiction community, but I used to feel that bizarre pressure until I got out. Bear in mind that my main time in this community was from ages 14 to 17. I never made my age a secret, either. I told people outright I was that age, I was in high school, I was playing hockey and studying The Great Gatsby when I wasn’t online.

Since I was in the Avengers fandom and I liked Loki and the Asgardians, I was frequently exposed to incestuous content between Loki and Thor, and a lot of it came out of nowhere or was poorly tagged. This was considered the norm, and while I at first felt completely horrified and repulsed, within a year or two I no longer gave a shit. It’s only in the last few years as I’ve begun to unpack everything that I’ve started to get that strong revulsion reaction to incestuous content.

In the circles I was in, it was relentlessly normal. Normal to the point that people who disliked it were usually shouted down. Even to this day, debate rages on in fandom spaces about whether or not content like this normalises this kind of abuse. In my own personal experience, which I don’t usually like to talk about, it absolutely does.

In real life, this normalisation started to have serious consequences for my mental health and interpersonal relationships. In fanfiction, any occasion when you are alone with someone could become sexual, any familial relationship is possibly sexual, and it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. I became incredibly anxious around male family members for fear of being sexually assaulted, and my OCD, which I had been developing since I was a child, turned from thoughts of physical violence to thoughts of graphically sexually assaulted by anyone and everyone around me.

My fear of being touched got to the point where I would have panic attacks if anyone came anywhere close to touching me. I quit sports, fucked up my romantic relationships, and didn’t hug anyone, not even members of my family, for years. All the while, I had bought my first laptop and was consuming more fanfiction than ever before. I struggled with my sexuality growing up, as I am bisexual, and while fanfiction provided LGBT content to help me, the content was frequently so disturbing that I viewed any expression of sexuality as something evil and predatory.

The community on AO3, whether you like it or not, is often sexual, and provides no barriers between the casual user looking for content and extremely intense fetish material. It’s sometimes called the Pornhub of fanfiction, but considering the wide range of people who use it, it’s more like if you opened Youtube and saw niche hardcore fetish videos just on the front page, recommended and trending.

Sure, you have to click a little button to confirm you’re 18 before you can actually read a story, but the tags and descriptions of readily available works can be extremely explicit. Fanfiction also brings you into close contact with fellow readers and the author, and encourages you to become a content creator, which in some ways makes it more dangerous.

I was affected much more strongly by what I saw than most people would be, because I was already treading shaky ground. But I’m also not the only person out there who has been hurt in this way. Most of my friends who grew up in fandom can report the impact that fanfiction culture had on them. One of my friends from high school knew a panoply of porn terms at age 14 or so due to reading fanfiction, and another of my other friends at high school almost exclusively read rape porn because it was her favourite. I didn’t have friends who watched porn; I had friends who read fanfiction. These are just as troubling to me as any other accounts of young people consuming visual porn from a very early age.

It’s frequently cited that fanfiction gives minority groups the opportunity for creative outlet. It was a great place for me to cut my teeth as a content creator, and a source of acceptance and kindness when times were tough. Fanfiction communities have historically been the domain of women and minorities, and create a space for these people to tell their own stories.

It’s largely because of this that fanfiction communities fear censorship and strict moderation, as they have been attacked in the past on homophobic or misogynistic grounds, resulting in mass deletions of works or the shutdown of websites. But there must be some middle ground between total censorship and the kind of free rein that puts vulnerable people in danger, and I strongly encourage the board of AO3 to seek this middle ground out.

But it’s the community itself that needs to shape up; AO3 is, after all, a community-led website built by fans for fans, so the fact that this website has such issues is a reflection of the issues that run deeply within the people who created it. Aku didn’t talk to me with the intention of doing me harm, or so I believe at this time, and she didn’t pursue me as a lone wolf or in isolation.

She was simply a particularly brazen member of a community that was used to having inappropriate conversations with young people and sexualising everything they did. Even people my own age were jokingly pushing me into discussing and consuming extremely sexual content. It was just normal. That’s what I want to say here. Inside the world of fandom on AO3, the grooming of children with sexual content is normal. And that’s scary.

- Mod Daft

[glittergelpenstudies]

Burnout Tips

I've been struggling with burnout for almost two years, but lately, it's been especially bad. I've had to find new strategies for coping with daily life, so I'm now sharing some of my best tips for dealing with a difficult burnout:

Spoon theory

Let's start off with the lifesaver that is spoon theory. In case you haven't heard of it, spoon theory is a tool intended for chronically ill and other disabled individuals to help visualise the finite amount of energy used in a day to perform various tasks. However, it also works wonders for burnout; I always used to beat myself up and not understand why I had to lie down and rest because I got physically exhausted from listening to a lecture or why I wouldn't be able to study for the number of hours that I had intended, simply because I had gone grocery shopping in the morning, when that wasn't the case before. Usually, the tip you get for being mentally exhausted is to either rest for a little bit or do something physical, like cleaning, to recharge mentally. However, those tips don't work for me, and that's because neither my body, nor mind, operate like that anymore, so there were 3 realisations I had to make:

Just because I have the time to do something, doesn't mean I have the energy to do it.

From now on, my mind and body work as one unit, so mentally drained = physically drained.

Energy is a finite resource, so once it's used up, it's used up.

These realisations are what caused me to give spoon theory a try, because although I don't have any kind of disability or chronic illness, spoon theory is still fairly accurate to the way my mind and body operate.

With that background in mind, here is how to use spoon theory (as I've understood it and currently use it):

Every day, you have a certain number of spoons (the units in which you measure your energy). I usually have 26 spoons for instance.

Every activity costs you a certain number of spoons, for example, studying for 1 hour = -4 spoons, showering = -3 spoons, cleaning for 30 min = -5 spoons, etc. The number of spoons each activity costs you is up to you, and it's also up to you what activities you consider draining enough to decrease the total number of spoons.

If you use up more spoons than you have in a day, you will have fewer spoons the following day. As I said, energy is a finite resource, so if I use 30 spoons in a day, I'll have 22 spoons the next day.

Basically, rather than planning my day according to what activities I have time for, I must limit myself to the activities I have energy for.

Doing things differently is NOT doing things badly!

You can't make pretty, handwritten notes and instead only annotate lecture slides? Good! You're getting lower marks on tests, that are still good enough to get by, because you're too exhausted to study for higher marks? You're valid! You're taking a year off from school to rest and recover? Amazing! Basically, what I mean is that there is no right way to do things and the fact that you're prioritising your health is a victory in and of itself.

You'll have to compromise.

Here's the inconvenient truth: Just because you want to do something doesn't always mean you'll be able to. You're always going to have to put your physical and mental health first, even if that means putting off studying for a test in favour of showering and cooking a meal. And yes, it does suck that you'll have to postpone that phone call with your friend because you used up that energy going grocery shopping, but that is what self-care is at the end of the day - It isn't always going to be bubble baths and chocolate, because it's not about what you want, but about what you need.

However, it's sometimes possible to cut corners. Maybe, instead of taking a walk today, you can just sit outside for a while? Maybe you can just clean the sink today and clean the rest of the bathroom some other time? If you get exhausted from standing, maybe try performing tasks while sitting down as often as possible (if you don't already)? You'll have to get creative with using your spoons, but there's often room for compromise.

Be compassionate with yourself, even if others don't understand your struggles.

This point doesn't just go for people struggling with burnout, but people struggling in other areas as well.

People around you won't always understand what you're going through, and that's okay. It doesn't necessarily mean they have ill intentions; a lot of people just haven't experienced what you're experiencing, and can therefore not relate to your situation. They're going to jump to conclusions, make assumptions about you, and give you tips that just don't apply to your situation ("Just sit down and drink some water and you'll be fine", "You're probably just exhausted because of your sleep schedule", "You just need to practice self discipline", etc). Some people might get impatient and annoyed that you're not performing as well as you used to and that you don't seem to be getting better (or at least not within the time they think it should take for you to recover). This is to be expected and it's awful.

It's very easy to fall into the rabbit hole of self doubt and frustration when you're constantly being misunderstood or questioned by people around you, but just remember that other people's preconceived notions don't define you. You're not lazy, you're struggling. You're not weak, you're exhausted. Questioning self-deprecating thoughts is extremely difficult, but can take you really far in accepting yourself as you are and in accepting your situation.

I really hope that these tips were helpful! Feel free to add your own if you wish 😊

[kob131]

Geez, this person really went all out with this BS rant against the show/staff. www(.)reddit( lcom/r/RWBY/comments/kiqatg/why_rwby_will_always_be_an_okay_show/

... You know I have been trying to step away from directly addressing RWBY bullshit. But...fuck it here.

If you ever talked to me about how I felt about RWBY, I would say that RWBY pre-Volume 8 has been a touchy subject for me. I felt very validated by two videos, "Why RWBY is Disappointing" and "The White Fang Problem".

Yes yes, and people with parental issues feel validated by their abusive spouse. That means nothing, especially given that one of those videos you mentioned is riddled with bullshit.

"Why RWBY is Disappointing" validated my criticism of RWBYs writing. The fact that Miles and Kerry can't and refuse to take any kind of criticism that doesn't hurt their feelings is complete [insert bad word here]. All criticism is going to hurt your feelings. Yes, you should probably ignore the long winded rants that make themselves out to be self important- why is there a mirror here? But there is truth to all criticism.

And there’s a kernel of truth in the best lies- they’re still LIES.

Not to mention the video you mentioned here (which I am assuming is Hbomberguy’s) pulls the SAME SHIT it calls out. Like say...decrying critics pesonally attacking the writers...while proclaiming Jaune and Neptune as self inserts even though Miles AND Kerry is on the record saying that at least Jaune isn’t written by his voice actor.

I'm currently learning about Branding and how important it is to know your audience. Take self.care breaks, talk with someone you trust. Someone who isn't Miles or Kerry! If your reading this. An outside perspective can help. The reason I say that is because if you two constantly talk to each other you're going to end up in an echo chamber. TALK TO FIONA! She's literally your target audience!

Because hey, a man who contradicts himself numerous times and made personal attacks on the creators that only the most malicious and self righteous do is SOOOO trustworthy right? 

Remember that tweet Hbomb brought up in his video as an example of criticism the creators should listen to? The one that demanded Miles get back to work and tried to use the catchphrase of his dead friend to manipulate him?

What a fucking target audience.

I know they mentioned ‘Fiona’ (likely the character’s voice actress) but there’s a supposed fan, one that pretty much sums up the critics, and a perfect example why it gets tossed out.

Moving on, the other video validated something I wish it didn't. "The White Fang Problem" brought to light something I knew was there but either ignored or I wasn't thinking. The White Fang has always made me a little uncomfortable. As a minority, it didn't translate well in my head. The minority are the bad guys. The Civil rights group were the bad guys. I brushed it off for a long time but after that video I couldn't.

Ah huh. So uh, the existence of Blake, Ghira, Kali, Sun, Illa, Velvet, Neon ect. is just incovienable to you huh? And don’t give me that ‘But civil rights group!’- The first episode had them break up a peaceful protest and it’s repeatedly hammered home that the current White Fang doesn’t give a SHIT about equal rights. And no, that concept is not racist- Judging from a story I read, that happened to the New Black Panthers in REAL LIFE.

It became a moral issue. Watching RWBY became a moral issue. RWBY is still pushing right wing talking points.-

Being right of you is not right wing, Especially given how you just acted.

I dont believe Miles and Kerry are racist. I do believe that Miles and Kerry both hold skewed beliefs in what right and wrong is.

Projection.

The way Miles and Kerry treat self defense and protest shows that they know nothing about being Black. They didn't do their research. They didn't talk to minorities about how they were being portrayed. They simply believed that they were right and we were wrong.

Ah huh, ah huh, ah huh-

Monty wrote the White Fang this way. You know, the ASIAN man of FOUR NATIONALITIES. So uh, congrats on saying at the absolute most- Nothing.

Now these two videos are old news. They've been posted on this very same subreddit. But you can't go around and say how much of a progressive and open minded individual you are when the fact that RWBY is a racist show and treats minorities very badly. So no one talks about them.

Or that, as I showed: these videos are bullshit.

Also its kinda homophobic too, not because of Bumblby but because despite Tera and Saphorn being a happy married couple they never kiss on screen. Have you seen happy married couples? Have you seen gay happy married couples? They literally do nothing but kiss. Its cute and adorable and deserves to be spread as far and wide. Despite the show having two straight couple kisses, granted one was in Volume but still, they couldn't get the married couple to kiss? Just saying.

... And not all gay couples are the same, even if I’m sure you’re thinking of TEENAGERS.

You know, judging people based on a preconcieved notion (AKA stereotyping) is pretty fucking bigoted itself...

Watch people be in the comments typing away that this isn't a romance show and how I shouldn't expect romance in an action adventure show despite the long list of evidence to the contrary.

Ah yes, that long list of ONE kiss by a TORPEDOED SHIP.

Such convincing rhetoric.

So you can see I was not coming into Volume 8 with my rose colored glasses. I'm sure many of you hate me because of all my comments, but I don't care. I was ready to leave RWBY. I didn't care. RWBY had taken up so much of my life but I don't care. I was not going to support a show that didn't improve.

Ah huh-

You just came in with jade-colored glass and accepted anything that validated you instead of questioning yourself. You talk about branding but that’s ALL you’ve branded yourself as.

So I watched. And something happened. Something strange. RWBY was moving in a direction I didn't expect it to. Oscar got what he deserved. The Heros were oblivious to the danger that is Salem. Things were headed in the direction that would change the characters forever. It'll be just like Beacon but better. And then they had to ruin it.

Oh we are about to get some real bullshit.

Oscar somehow convinces Hazel to betray Salem. What could have been an avenue to a multi season story arc for Oscar that included the stories villains became a shitty uninspired redemption arc. Kill me.

No he didn’t and this has been something hinted at since Volume 4.

There's still hope for the season but at this point I lost all hope. 

This is the scene that killed Volume 8 for me. Oscar should not be the one who defeats Salem. In fact he should be an avenue to learn more about the villains. He served his purpose with the heroes, now he has a new arc with the villains. Oscar doesn't turn evil, but he's like a conscious. Salem doesn't want to kill him because he can be useful in finding the last remaining relics and maidens.

Assumptions.

Oscar has a heart to heart with all the villains including Salem. Oscar learns to be his own man and accepts he's now one with Ozma but he doesn't have to be another Ozma. He doesn't have to make the same decisions.

Its a great Arc for Oscar. It also makes sense for his character. Ozma feels Salem is pure evil but Oscar can learn for himself.

Headcanon.

But they won't do that. Instead they're going to take the easy way out. Like always.

Bias getting in the way.

Miles and Kerry love wrapping up each season in a little bow. This is why RWBY is so okay.

They say as every RWBY Volumes ends in a cliffhanger.

This is Beacon but if Miles and Kerry thought that RWBY should still be in Beacon. This is Beacon but without major character death. This is Beacon but the main villain loses because the heroes can't lose. Cinder isn't threatening. None of the villains are. Salem is in a Grimm! She should know everything! Why is there no creativity? Why is she not an over powered mess in A GRIMM!? Her own domain?! Why are the writers writing her not as a powerful goddess reaffirming her as a threat but as a human being. Yes I know what that sounds like but hear me out.

‘None of the villains are threatening!’

‘WHY IS THE MAIN VILLAIN NOT BEING TREATED AS THREATENING LIKE I THINK SHE IS!’

‘Why is there no creativity?’

‘DO THE MOST UNCREATIVE THING POSSIBLE!’

How about I keep mocking you?

If Salem can be out smarted by a 10 year old boy, why did it take Ozma so long to defeat her? Oscar should fail. RWBY should fail. They should go through character arcs that help them better understand Salem. Because that's how you defeat Salem.

Pushing your own thoughts onto the show. Also assumptions AGAIN.

I always believed that Ozma and Salem are very similar to Ruby and Weiss. Yes I know how it sounds but it makes sense.-

Too bad your AU fanfic doesn’t matter.

But they won't. Miles and Kerry will use Oscar to defeat Salem. Why? Who knows at this point. I dont know why Miles and Kerry keep pushing Oscar into the spotlight. Its exactly how they treated Jaune Pre-Volume 7. Jaune had to be the focus so often we hated him. And they're doing it again with Oscar

Ah huh. You know, the whole NOTHING Jaune did in Volume 6 was SOOO spotlight stealing, along with his REMOVAL FROM THE CAST FOR SEVERAL EPISODES.

Wanna bet this is another case of ‘penis on screen, me hate’?

They refuse learn and they refuse to improve. If Volume 8 doesn't improve im leaving RWBY. It doesn't matter to any of you. I'm saying it more for myself. So I don't continue with a show that constantly disappoints me. But more so, I don't support a show that views people like me as lesser. If the writing improves it proves that they can grow and get better but if it doesn't it means they will continue to treat Faunus as misguided and horrible characters. And I refuse to support a show that uses my likeness to get brownie points from people who are unaffected by such messages.

A. No, that’s who refused to do self reflection and improve.

B. Should have done that in the first place.

C. No, once again- You blind yourself from the shit that disproves you.

D. You heard him- Treat the Fanaus like shit and make the humans in the right. You know, the opposite what the show is doing now since it’s SOOO horrible.

E. You are not the center of the universe.

[ilguna]

Tacenda - Chapter Fifteen (f.o)

Summary: you’ll never truly be free from the Capitol.

Word Count; 2.4k

Warnings; swearing, DEATH MENTION, torture

NOTES: i give reader a last name to fit the world.

–

Before both of your parents had died, back in District Four, your family would have been considered ‘middle-class’ to a very thin extent. You guys weren’t at the bottom of the food chain by any means, and neither were you guys on top, but you were afloat enough to be considered middle.

You guys owned a nice two-story house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. The house came with a very small yard that had that tree that you used to climb. You guys were always one of the first to receive electricity when it would have to be turned on, etc.

You guys never had to eat the food from the square. It’s not a bad thing to eat the food that’s provided there, it’s actually very helpful if you’re trying to go extremely cheap on some days. But eating food from the black market is taking a gamble, because there’s no telling what’s in the soup, or what had been mashed up. And it’s not like the people at the tables would tell you either.

It’s their ‘secret recipe’ and they didn’t want you to go around and tell everyone in the vicinity for a number of reasons. The food could have been made up of something that would be seen as ‘unfavorable’. If you go and tell everyone what’s in it, then that person running the table could lose the business entirely.

After your parents had died, you guys obviously weren’t able to afford super nice things anymore. You guys would be so caught up in trying to keep the essentials stocked, that Reed and Mox would run out of the money. So, with the very bare scraps that you would be able to get, you would head right to the square for those cheap meals.

They weren’t enjoyable sometimes, and you would voice that to the people you would buy from. But other times, they would end up making something particularly enjoyable, and you would let them know that too. You basically became their test monkey for new foods, and you told them how it was every single time.

Eventually, Reed and Mox had gotten ahead of their spending habits, which means that you guys wouldn’t have to eat from the market anymore, but you definitely had a lasting impact. Even though you didn’t have to, you would eat there sometimes and let them know. There was a hell of an increase in quality, people noticed it almost immediately.

They might have been making soups from bones and grass and dandelions from the fields, but it was good fucking soup either way. You absolutely loved their creativity, and you know for a fact that both you, and them had gotten a kick from being a critic and getting critiqued like that.

Even after winning the games, you had still gone to eat their food sometimes. It wasn’t because you wanted to humble yourself or some dumb shit like that. You would genuinely go to eat their food, because there wasn’t anything else to do. You didn’t want to be drowning in riches, and eating from the top quality bakers and the best butchers in the district.

You wanted some of their old fashioned soup, and you went there constantly. It was weird, being stared at like how you were. Watching the people that would have previously disregarded you, suddenly notice you like that. It was watching the sea part when you would walk inside of the building. Sometimes you even saw fear, since they were afraid you’d buy out the whole goddamn building with one months worth of savings.

Then they would notice that you would stop in front of the fucking stall, with the mashed up potatoes and meat. With vegetables that should be a crime to sell, with dandelion, grass and bones soup. And you would buy enough for one, and then sit around on the nearest stool just talking to the owners of the place, asking if they had come up with anything new.

Fuck, they even named a goddamn soup after you. They named one of your favorite creations that they had ever made, after you. Not because you had won the games, or you were a consistent customer, it’s because they genuinely enjoyed you. They were absolutely blown away by the fact that the fifteen year old with more money than she knew what to do with, would come by and eat there anyway.

You would take hours of your day just to sit there and talk, because it was overwhelming in the newly furnished victor house. Every now and then you’d pitch in and pay for someone if you were feeling particularly generous, because you had money to burn.

You miss it. You miss every aspect of that god awful building. You hated the smell of rotting fish before, but now it’s the only thing you can think about. The fact that it was almost always packed to the limit with people just trying to haggle and get their usual stuff but at a cheaper price.

You don’t know what you would trade to go back now. To go back and spend just a few more hours, sitting around in there and watching people go about their days. You would probably go around and buy things for people, because all the money in your account would go to waste when you die.

What you’re saying is, is that the food from the square is astronomically better than the shit that they feed the people in District Thirteen. Forget the ‘secret recipes’ that the old ladies used to protect with their lives, this shit is on a whole new level of a secret recipe. It’s downright inhumane to feed this to anyone.

“You’re picking at your food.” Finnick points out.

“Thanks, I didn’t know.” you give him a look, “You want it?”

“You know you need to eat, (Y/n).” he tells you, “It’s not going to get any better tomorrow, so stop messing with it before it gets cold.”

You roll your eyes, “Okay, dad.”

Finnick’s face scrunches up, almost like he’s disgusted with it. And then, he tilts his head, making a whole new face. Like he doesn’t mind it after all.

“Oh great, did I just find a new kink of yours?” you laugh slightly, ignoring the glances you get from the people around you.

He holds up his finger, placing his fork back onto the tray. Finnick doesn’t know what to think of this whole thing, “Hold on, I’m trying to imagine–”

You punch his arm, shaking your head at him as you go back to your food. Suddenly, you’re interested in it again! Who knew that it would be a valid form of escape?

Finnick is laughing, suddenly enjoying this. He goes back to eating too.

The sound of the Capitol’s anthem makes your head shoot up and the fork freeze in your hands. Your eyes search the room, looking for the source, and you end up finding it pretty quickly, the television sets that are on the wall. The logo for the Capitol comes in and it says ‘Capitol TV’ beneath it.

“Dinner and a show?” Finnick asks.

“I have a feeling this isn’t common.” you say, placing down your fork entirely, pushing the food tray back as you prop your head up against the table, “But I will enjoy it either way.”

Caesar fades in, and you do a little laugh, “Hello, good evening, and a big welcome to all of Panem. I’m Caesar Flickerman, and wherever you are, whatever it is you’re doing, if you’re working, put down your work. If you’re having dinner, stop having dinner. Because you are going to want to witness this tonight.”

You fake a yawn, and Finnick does it right back.

“There has been rapid speculation about what really happened in the Quarter Quell. And here, to shed a little light on the subject for us, is a very special guest. Please welcome, mister Peeta Mellark.” Caesar says.

Your mouth drops open slightly, and you can feel all the fun run out of your body at once. Suddenly, you’re no longer smiling, and you’re staring at the tv screen as if you’ve received the news that your mom just died again. You take in a shaky breath, and that’s when Finnick wraps an arm around your shoulders and pulls you into his body.

Peeta may not be your fiance, but he’s somewhat directly related to your siblings. Because they’re both in the same place right now. Lucky for you, Peeta looks healthy, like they haven’t touched a hair on his head. He’s wearing a white suit, and almost like he hasn’t been treated badly at all.

It raises hope, but along with hope, comes disappointment.

Caesar continues, “Peeta, a lot of people feel as though they are in the dark.”

You feel so horribly bad for Katniss right now.

“Yeah, I know how they feel.” Peeta says, Caesar laughs a little bit.

“Now, so set the stage for us. Talk us through, what really happened on that final, and controversial night.”

“Well first off, you have to–you have to understand that when you’re in the games, you only get one wish. It’s very costly.” Peeta says, he sounds calm.

“It costs your life.” Caesar says.

“I think it costs more than your life.” Peeta disagrees.

“How do you mean? What’s more than your life?”

Your laugh is hollow, “It costs other people’s lives. It costs your dignity and you’re sacrificing your entire personality.”

Finnick nods, “Because there’s no way you come out of the arena the same, no matter what.”

“Well, I mean to–to murder innocent people. That costs everything that you are.” Peeta says, and briefly raises his hand, “So you hold on to that one wish. That night, my wish was; to save Katniss. I should have just run off with her earlier in the day like she wanted.”

You look at Finnick, trying to recall any conversation like that between them. Like overhearing or something, but you come up with nothing. But it seems like Finnick has an answer for it, “Before we had gone to the tree, when they were sitting alone.”

And it clicks, because that would have been the perfect time to say it. Since it was the first time they had truly been alone like that in a while.

“But you didn’t!” Caesar says, “Why? Were you caught up in Beetee’s plan?”

“No, I was caught up trying to play allies. And then they seperated us and–” he pauses, “That’s when I lost her.”

“It’s so fucking hard not to be mad at him right now.” you cross your arms.

Finnick shrugs, “I mean, they could have been telling him to say this.”

“It’s raw emotion.” you lean forward a bit, out of Finnick’s arm to get a closer look, “He’s perfectly healthy, there’s no reason for him to lie. Playing allies my fucking asshole, what a joke.”

“And then the lightning hit and uh–the whole forcefield around the arena just blew out.” Peeta finishes.

“Yes, but Peeta, Katniss is the one that blew it out.”

“No–”

Caesar cuts him off, “You saw the footage.”

“No–she didn’t know what she was doing. Neither of us, knew there was a bigger plan going on, we had no idea.”

“You had no idea?” Caesar asks.

“No.”

“Alright, well Peeta, there are many who find this suspicious, to say the least. It seems as though she was part of a rebel plan.” Caesar proposes, and you watch as he does the basic, classic hand motions of ‘just saying’.

“What, do you think it was part of her plan to almost be killed by Johanna and (Y/n)?” Peeta looks tired of it, “Or to be paralyzed by lightning? No, we were not part of any rebel plan, we had no idea what was going on.”

“Alright.” Caesar does the motion again, “I believe you, Peeta Mellark. Thank you. Now, I was going to ask you to speak about the unrest but I think you might be too upset.”

“They’re patronizing him.” you laugh, “God, they’re treating him like a child.”

“No, no I can.”

“Are you sure?” Caesar asks.

“Yeah, absolutely.” Peeta turns towards the camera, actually staring into it now, “I want everyone who’s watching, to stop, and think about what a civil war could mean. We almost went extinct once before, and now our numbers are even fewer. Is this really what we want to do?”

The people around you aren’t so happy at this, and they’re looking at each other, almost appalled that he’s saying this.

“Now this could be rehearsed.” you tell Finnick, tilting your head.

“Kill ourselves off? Killing is not the answer. Everyone needs to lay down their weapons immediately.” That sentence doesn’t go over well with the people around you. You can’t hear the next couple of words because of how loud the shouting has gotten.

“Peeta,” Caesar leans forward, “Are you calling for a ceasefire?”

“Yeah, I am.” It gets louder, Finnick is beginning to slide off of the table’s seats, and you have a pretty good idea why, “I want everyone to stop, let’s end this violence. This is not the path–”

You’re out of your seat soon after, Finnick grabs your hand, and he begins to pull you away and out of the room. You watch as the room basically gets rowdier and angrier from what he’s saying.

Finnick wants to leave because he’s worried about your guys’ safety. It’s a safety hazard being around them, since you two had associated with him, and even halfway considered him a friend. It was a precaution, and almost a matter of time before they turned on you guys next.

“I don’t know about you.” you begin, “But I could really go for some peace and quiet right now.”

He looks at you, “Peace and quiet how?”

You smile a little bit, “A good fuckin’ nap.”

Finnick laughs, taking your hand and beginning to lead the way to your guys’ dorm–for a lack of a better word, “Sounds good to me.”

[joemazzhello]

just me thinking out loud about this fandom and this blog

first off, i’m not going anywhere any time soon. i need somewhere to scream about joe mazzello and this is my only safe space to do that. in the next two months i’ll be very busy with uni so i doubt i’ll be making a lot of stuff, but in general, i’m sticking right here.

It’s obvious to everyone that this fandom had its peak. Although I try to focus more on Joe’s entire catalogue and him as a person rather than exclusively Queen/Borhap, there’s no doubt that the majority of the notes were because of the Borhap fandom, which has died down significantly. (i don’t even want to think about how many notes i would have gotten if i had posted the gifset i did today 6 months ago) I don’t have a problem with that. I never intended this blog to gain as many followers as it has. I never intended to fall in love with Borhap/Joe the way I did. Notes were an unexpected surprise, especially on posts that have 3/4k notes.

It’s easy on this website to get addicted to the notes, to find self-validation in the posts. People like what I’m doing? That’s a new feeling. People actually want to come and talk to me? That’s certainly something I’m not used to. But something I’ve learned recently, or tried to tell myself, is that people don’t follow you because they like you. Well, maybe 10% or so, but most people follow for what you post. I post about Joe Mazzello. People follow me for Joe Mazzello.

Interest in my work specifically hasn’t died down, interest in Joe Mazzello has. The lack of notes isn’t a reflection of me or my work, it’s a reflection of general attitude toward BoRhap/whatever I’ve posted about. I’m sure if I jumped on the Good Omens/what’s popular rn idk train, I wouldn’t be worried about notes.

But I don’t want to do that. I’m here for the Mazzello long haul. I can’t imagine ever having so much inspiration from one person ever again. I’ve had so many celeb crushes (soooooo many), but never to this extent. Never have I made a whole blog dedicated to them. Never have I made gifs and edits about them. Never ever have I written fics about them. I wanna keep providing content because I’m sure there are people who love Joe as much as me, and to be honest, I love feeling creative and actually making something. 

I’ve been in fandoms before, sure, but I sat there and reblogged. In particular, one fandom had these amazing creators who created so much, making gifs almost everyday, and each post would get around 70 notes. At the peak of our fandom, 70 notes was terrible. Even now, I’m pretty disappointed if a gifset that I worked hard on can’t reach 100 notes. It’s absolutely disheartening to see something I’ve worked hard on fail before my eyes. But I’m learning that it’s ok. I don’t make stuff for my followers, I make it for me. I fucking love making gifs of Joe. And getting positive attention from others is a bonus. However, I honestly think I would still make gifs of Joe is no one was around. I can look back at what I’m made and be proud. When I started this blog I’d never made a gif. That post today had 81 separate gifs in it. That’s some progress right there. It’s not about the notes, it’s about me being helplessly in love with this dude. 

Tumblr is hell. I suffer badly from jealousy, a need for attention, and lack of validation. I know my followers don’t personally care about me. But I have friends and family that do. I have people in my life who love me because of who I am, not because I post about Joe Mazzello online. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you who reblog my content. I love you if you reply, or come into my asks/inbox and chat. Having mutuals (who I never speak to but greatly admire from afar) is something I’ve never experienced before and it’s incredible. I have a lot of love for what this blog is. But I’m coming to terms with what’s it’s not.

It’s not a place to base my self validation on. It’s not a place where followers genuinely care about who I am. It’s not a place to spend all my time. I shouldn’t be constantly worried about how many notes I’m getting, or why my mutuals aren’t reblogging what I’m made. This should be something I do in my free time. This blog should be something I enjoy. And I’m almost at a place where I think it is that.

So I’m going to keep making content, because I love it. But I’m going to try and not worry about notes. I’m going to self reblog less. And when I do self reblog, it’ll be because I’ve been thinking about it, or I wanna talk in the tags about the post, instead of just trying to get more notes. I’m not going to worry about interaction. That comes and goes. I’m going to sit and patiently wait for Joe’s next project and support it no matter what. Maybe it’ll be a huge project, maybe it’ll bring in thousands of new fans the way Borhap did. Or maybe it’ll be a small indie project that other fans and I will cherish in our hearts. It doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is that Joe’s happy. That’s all.

[danielviza]

July 27th, 2017

I handed over this book to a friend. We exchanged gifts (bracelet and scarf) and stories. It’s a trusting bond of safety. I feel at home, at peace and happier with myself. I am still taking myself far too seriously and need to stop and enjoy the roses.

        It’s funny when you meet a person - and time stops.

        Everything around them drops, and the chords have ended, and there you are - bare bones with nothing to hide. Spending your time focused on exponentially growing your powers of communication.

        A great piece of knowledge shared today was that memories are stored differently to each perception

July 31st, 2017

She wants to learn how to record. A better perspective never hurt anyone. I believe in a better me, that will change the world and help the people around me.

        Antigenic drift

August 6th 2017

        “Semiamputated finger? Don’t worry, it builds character”

        Why worry about something that is no longer in your control? A double shift feels proper on this Sunday Morning. Joann, OJ and Sonia at the router. “The portrait of Dorian Grey”, “Family of Shadows, creating theatre and the playwrights guidebook. Sunday always feels good at work. I really hope I can stay on this positive track where the people around me are sharing the same positive energy. Staying silent has been a playful way

August 2nd, 2017

The summer has disappeared. I have made a new exotic friend. Emergency medical tech will be my Saturday adventure and chemistry on Tuesday and Thursday morning. I find myself writing more, and becoming more amused with myself. I will try not to spread myself too them AND be patient and wise with my mode of thoughts. If I can only make one person smile in the day, I've done my good duty. I will keep an intense rhythm from sun up to sunset.

I want to find better people to share my day with, that give me a genuine effort to bond. I need to not be so obsessive when I find new friends. I get overly excited and far too clingy.

Good rewards have blessed me this week, and I hope to keep working hard, in a good direction, giving meaning to the relationships around me. Staying focused, and giving thanks for the fortunes that walk into and out of my life. I want my body to  match the speed of my  mind. I appreciate a smiling face, especially one that sends you good vibes. If you're kind to the Universe - it will be kind right back

August 5th, 2017 2:57pm

Life keep getting better and beautiful and prosperous people and objects keep coming into my life. Please do not stop this positive stream of energy, everything seems to be going my way. Even with a paycheck half the size than usual, I am very happy.

Today I received a beautiful brand new desk from Big jeff, and the neighbor Marc, who was forced to move away due to remodeling, has blessed me with his leather couch and coffee table. I am desperate for cash as I see I need to put myself more out there in the world so that I may prosper economically.

My relations are starting to become more mature I sense. Now when I open my mouth I ten to try to do so with a purpose.

I love making up stories and entertaining eager ears. I wish to better my craft and go to a playwirhgting class this Tuesday.

August 10th, 2017 – 11:41pm

I’m going into another cycle of delusions and I think I like it this time. I feel the compelete grasp of the Universe underneath my finger tips. I will put my energy into the earth and prosper from it the best way I know how. A prosperous is always what I’m searching for, today for example, going home during my lunch break to deice my freezer and make myself a healthy smoothie. A gym session in the morning with Thalia was

August 15th, 2017 – 3:19 am

I’m going into another cycle of delusions and I think I like it this time. I feel the compelete grasp of the Universe underneath my finger tips. I will put my energy into the earth and prosper from it the best way I know how. A prosperous is always what I’m searching for, today for example, going home during my lunch break to deice my freezer and make myself a healthy smoothie. A gym session in the morning with Thalia was

August 16th, 2017 – 12:31am

Set your priorities straight

The people that matter first

Yourself

Get money

Go get the money you deserve

DOn’t stop the hustle

Keep making gold

Keep mining for more

Make your social circles exquisite

Take every day by force

August 16th, 2017 – 12:51am

Midnight secrets; psychic sounds blackened. Sonic depths sleeping - alluring sine waves; oscillated. Distorted imperfections. Tastefully brittle, screaming twists of obscurities. Losing human touch, as moonlight scorched by sunrise. The motif to our fire; the pleasure of our silence.

August 17th, 2017 – 11:33am

Ill refresh these windows

Hoping for a message

Stare at these classic pictures

In hopes to serenade your screen

Fill you with lines

You’ve only dreamt of

Keep you in suspense

Wanting more

Move swiftly

Believing

Black and white lines

Define us

Dilute us

Into one beautiful

Melody.

The power of not responding tends to leave other ostracized.

An imaginary play thing for your convenience.

Some people require brevity.

Others require silence.

Is this your attempt

At being exotic?

I deserve more respect

Than whimsical thoughts

Captivate her with an image

Questions of the symbols

That float in her mind

Leave your cynicism

at the door

She’s giving space

Afraid of everything possible

What a fool

To ever think this person

was sincere

or ever cared

or knew how to love another person

She is selfish

All she knows is herself

And her own life

Unpleasant to the lives of others

Your other relations are much more important

They know you

They impress upon you

They do not “get” anything

Nothing is worth their wild with

August 19th, 2017 – 8:23pm

Making money has become a habit

It all depends on the language you speak

The people making money around you

August 21st, 2017 – 5:10am

Premise - His love for a sheltered girl has him commit a crime which ultimately destroys their friendship.

Love crimes hold a social standard. You may do a wrong thing, but ultimately it felt right.

Characters are in constant change.

He learns that his wrong way isn’t always right.

She learns that the rules are meant to be broken

Premise - Love should be pursued, no matter the conditions.

Her growth - she learns that pain and the unknown is the true teacher and master of life.

He sees that his decision will hurt her, but will make her grow

His growth - He sees an innocent person crushed, just as he was crushed as a child.

August 2nd, 2017

I can’t relate to any off these over achieving perfect life mother fuckers where nothing has gone wrong for them.

SO much has gone wrong for me and here I am trying to change my mode of thinking, my mode of survival, my thoughts, the spirits that haunt me and the actions that I am trying to hold myself form giving back to the world. I am a part of a beautiful organization, but I am in the wrong position.

Although I want to see and learn, and be a part of medicine, I want to redefine the status quo. I do not want to be around a bunch of eggheaded nurses that do not know anything about reality. Why do I envy these people so much? Why must I transfer these ugly feelings? Why do I yearn to climb these social ladders so much. I want my soul to connect with someone, not my damn paycheck. Stop looking at my wallet and the temporary happiness it can buy you. The real tricks is in the details of your art. The reality is the human body and keeping it in motion constantly, moving to your next goal and desire.

Write up the diagnosis to your situation

August 22nd, 2017 – 9:13pm

You crave for her

To validate you

Give you reassurance in the world

That you are loved

Adored

Beyond most in her realm

Stop messaging these people

August 24th, 2017 – 12:09pm

You’ll out grow all your teachers and push the boundaries.

Trust no one

What is the point?

They end up turning on you

Showing you a mask you’ve never seen before

Something you would have never fathomed

Why be around corrupted people?

With there corrupted thoughts?

Always trying to have a power over you

Always trying to be better

Always trying to come up

Always wanting more

Never Being satisfied

You already learned all their moves

You have all they’re magic up your sleeve

You got exactly what you needed from them

What else do you want?

You can’t ask for more

Learn their moves

There manner

They’re style

See what you can be

They can know longer teach you what you already know

Make a safe and creative environment

For yourself

Not others

They are far too self interested

You have emotional problems Daniel

Face them

Know that it is your strength

You achilles heal

Although people may fall in love with you

They will learn to despise you

To know

That a negative vortex such as yourself

Is not good for anyone

You are far too sensitive

Realize that

Harness your power

Your sensitivity will be your great ally

You biggest foe

Realize the defeat of your sentiments

You will die alone

Do not be around

Or hand around

Social Climbers

They are detrimental

The people you meet at school

Are children

As you are one

Become knowledgable

Become a teacher

DO not be a know it all

Know that you know nothing

Is everybody lying?

Or am I the biggest one?

Am I the king

August 27th, 2017 12:58am

Grace and beauty

In every moment

Honoring your community

Giving praise

To the good beings in the world

Today

The lady behind The bakery counter

Gave me the biggest smile

A warm feeling of happiness

1:36am

Positive patience is death defying and relentless. (Great Love)

Negative patience has no resilience, no inner strength to endure hardship.

(To withstand hunger, torture, physical and mental suffering - This negative strength is very aggressive in the sense that it provokes counter-action)

A pivotal character is necessarily aggressive, uncompromising, even ruthless - and must not merely desire something.

They must want it so badly they will destroy or be destroyed to attain their goal.

Not everyone can be a pivotal character.

One whose fear is greater than their desire; has no great, all-consuming passion cannot be a pivotal character.

They are forced out of sheer necessity;not because it is willed.

Poverty encourages crime - a ruthless social force making poverty possible.

If the pivotal character matches emotional intensities of their adversaries, they have a much smaller compass of development - a lack of growth

In life, we as people are attacked, and through this, also the social forces which make us what we are.

If the pivotal character weakens, another representative is needed whom can faithfully serve the forces behind them.

These forces behind us created us.

Never become a static character.

August 28th, 2017 1:37am

I need the attention

What a bitch

As I type

To regulate my feelings

Figuring out

What are my needs and wants

Psychotic

Those episodes

Are maddening

They are all consuming

Light up the sky

Put out your energy

Burn these mother fuckers

Like they burned you

Put them back in the ground

Give them all the energy you got

Make it intense

Tell them what you really feel

August 31st, 2017 – 3:28am

In my bunker, all by myself. A 2 am late night Jack in the Box run for $9.54 will keep me alive tonight. I regret not having a stock refrigerator with a plethora of healthy goodies and eats. I look forward to Tomorrow’s chemistry class and hope to really focus

September 2nd 2017 – 8:28 am

What an amazing campus. Pasadena City College has blown me away once again. I love this school - they keep fascinating. Smile, be confident. show people you care and have a genuine interest. Do not be a general person - be phenomenal. Get through this material as most voraciously as you can. Get on the fast lane - punch it. No regrets. Burning rubber will be another pass time. Move faster.

Be better.

Focus on putting your energy into the world.

Last night was a working night on Colorado; networking and

September 5th, 2017 – 12:21am

Kill the Crickets, let them die -

G9

FMaj7

Where you trying to go?

Who you trying to be girl?

I love you anyways

You gotta change

Why you gotta fake all that stupid shit

I know you love me

Stop being a bitch

You’re talking to yourself

Stop being a bitch

You’re talking to yourself no

Making Gold records

Thinking about you

I always want to be about you

I remember the time I saw your face

The feeling I would get

When I saw it again

Till me one more time

You don’t love me

I get

I Get it

I don’t love me anyways

Ill drink to all the shit I did

I’ll love you anyways

Let me tell you a little secret about my life

The best part about my life

Is that I control the reigns to my life

No one’s ever told me what to do

No one’s ever going to tell me how to do it

It’s always been up to me

Now tell me

What’s your biggest strengths?

Well sometimes I feel that I can follow my own instincts

Wrong

What do you know about insticts

Look into yourself and tell me what you think about instincts?

Do you really love your own instinct?

What’s your instinct telling you right now?

Take everything too serious

fuck these stupid people

bringing you down

with their negative signs

fuck them

be alone

you are a gift to others

don’t give them

your precious time

they deserve none of it

stay alone

you are 2 years young

you need nothing from these people

you are the world

create and build

be the example

they just want the attention

fuck their intentions

you were nothing to them

from the start

why do they even care

why do you even bother?

fuck their approval

they are rotten to the care

they have no backbone

or self respect

they ride on the securities of others

they do not sincerely think of you

the way you think of them

it will always be one sided

that is your curse

September 8th, 2017 – 12:54am

I dream of you often

Lost in a fervor

Of broken people

Always coming through my door

In hopes of someday seeing you

Those dreams are dead

Forever gone

The storm

The calm before the storm

We’re grown

Alone

Without another being

Peter Pan

He doesn’t believe in psychologist

Therapies

You must close cycles

This happened

It is over

Stop searching

Stop opening and remembering

Opening and remembering is fine

Once

But not over and over

The cycle is closed

Move on

Move Forward

Don’t let the emotions overcome you

The head of psychiatrist

Would close him

In music

Morning

Morenitos

The racism

The white skin, the blue eyes

Grandma would chose favorites

The injustice

The lack of love

With the highest regard

too such poor and lonely students

Crying like a child with an oxygen tank

It already passed

Pautas

Guidelines

Making the best

Carrying the heaviest weight on my shoulders

Search for your honor

Through the generations

The indépendance

Who will lay you down to rest?

When you are ready to leave

Don’t let your emotions win

Analyze

This your life

Your time

We’ll always live good

We will be gone soon

Will you stay miserable?

What will you do?

Analyze your situation

Well

September 9th, 2017

I enjoy these minutes in my day - they are full of intensity. I have a problem slowing down; I like that. Will I stay hypertensive, or will I thrive in the environment of pressure? I had an hour lung conversation with my Tia Ruth yesterday in the morning after not being accepted into my Chemistry Lab. She told me stories that tI will never forget, memories of her brothers and the final moments of Rene. She enlightened me on the mental capacity of our family; my fate.

        Do I burn the bridges behind me and start fresh? As now, my mind is realigned into my destiny - into my dramatic need. How I can carry the shadows of my family on my back.

The disease of normal functioning - overcoming my weakness. Am I slow to show my emotion? Is being reserved killing the animal I was born as? Do I look for a more ferocious sense of life everyday?

Meet people that you’re going to learn with and from; reciprocate the feeling.

The words “We all remember things the way we remember them. Like pulling a book out of a shelf, experiencing the words, closing the covers together and sliding it back into your memory. Move swifter throughout the day. Use all the strength in your body, mind and soul. Find a balance in all the things you do, but above all focus and do not steer from your pathway to success. DO not torture your mind

September 10th, 2017 5:23pm  

Will I ever know life

Outside of you?

You keep playing on

Who you playing on?

Didn’t want to know much

‘Till I met you

What’s going on?

Can you be strong?

How can you e so cold?

How can you be so cold?

Guess your happy now

Never really cared much

‘Till you came along

I sleep

Dreaming of you

Everyday

Didn’t really know to much

Till you sang

You went away

You went away

September 20, 2017 12:56pm

I dream of you often

Your life

Your Well Being

A glorious friend of mine

A near extinction

My most delicate of friends

A beautiful rarity

I wish most for

September 21, 2017  7:43am

Will you remember all this danger?

The cunning in your words

Living life on a tightrope

Searching for your next victim

She longed for a kiss

She yearned to be embraced

Ravished

In a manner unexplained

September 23rd, 2017

What’s the point of your life if all the moments in between are a blur? What are you?

Do not anticipate for something to happen

Make it happen

Put yourself out there

Don’t be afraid of rejection

It happens constantly

Bounce back

Find a reason

October 8th, 2017

He attempts to speak

she whispers out loud

He fights

To

open the universe

devour

her gasoline fire

that melts flesh

finding beauty

in a tarnished

subcut

Have you seen a supernova burn?

With gases

Infusing

burning oxygen

consuming all

Burning the eyes

Leading your desire

Of scorching your name on the earth

In the hopes

That her eyes will lay upon you

I’ll mumble these thoughts

As I sleep

As I dream about a peace

I’ve lost since parting

Tools strictly for departing

October 8th, 2017

Last night I nearly cracked.

Today I will make better decisions.

I refuse base things.

I shall realign myself

October 8th, 2017 – 3:02pm

Maybe in a dream.

I felt you

The passion in your bones

The quiver of your lip

Let our death

Become our immortality

In the loss of reticence

October 25th, 2017

Colloquially are shared amongst the finest; cheers.

October 27th, 2017 – 9am

Chemistry Laboratory kicked my ass once again. I am not taking the information given to me and truly giving meaning and analysis towards my final product. My paper game has become weak; I have yet to impress myself once again. My scientific writing style is not adequate enough and I hope to boost my levels of understanding as a scientist. Bonds, and the strength of bonds have become

Not all bonds are equal. This is not an easy process, going ab

Born-Haver cycle. An alternative approach to the same answer.

December 2nd, 2017 1:16pm

My twenty ninth birthday is in 8 days. I find myself alone, once again. I begin to wonder if it is me or the way I conduct my relations.

Friday December 9th, 2017 10:37am

Pasadena Hilton was a lovely venue to perform for my immediate coworkers. I had the chance of showing my good friend David a cool place to be with the people he works with. Catching up with Andrew Le was very nice as we hope to spend some time together hopefully before the new year commences. I was happy to make the party organizers feel more confident about their occasion.

Relations have soured as my father begins to learn his place in the world.

December 12th, 2017 10:01am

War is over now

The battlefield has settled

Limb for limb

We lanced

Limb for limb we fell apart

Put your weapons away

They don’t work anymore

The battle is over

No one has won

Let these moments

Sink into your dreams

December 18, 2017 2:57pm

The blood, guts, tears, vomit.

The sounds and smells of desperation.

The need for another human being to take care of those fallen.

Ill, lost, hopeless, in fear of everything out of there control.

Wake up every day, to the sounds of medical machines that never stop working.

When will these folks get a break?

Janurary 2nd, 2018

Don’t become these drones that are stuck on their phones all day. Be a person that can have a sincere conversation and can actually reach out to people. Develop your communication skills. Apologize for your verbal slip ups. Do not be afraid of showing genuine expression. What’s the point of hiding your true self? They’re going to find out who you are anyway, so don’t give them a reason to point fingers.

Janurary 3rd, 2018 7:59am

Seven thirty in the morning starting off with nutrition class - starting off with getting some respect by the professor for the mohawk. I hope that this becomes one of the classes that changes my life. How is there a way to find the right information and use it for better? This professor seems to be brilliant from the start, a harness I hope I can harness.

[funkymbtifiction]

6w7 self preservation fix

(Pretty sure she’s a social, but she shows off the 6w7 humor well.)

The nickname these 6’s get is “neurotic,” but the way I see the world is just using a lot of common sense (not going places alone at night, giving out too much information, riding in cars with strangers, picking up hitchhikers, parking in well-lit areas, avoiding situations that could escalate in ways that would leave me dead, and avoiding places that draw trouble). I’ve been told I’m extremely rational and I “over-think” everything to a massive degree.

I wasn’t aware of how much I consult others until I started reading about 6’s. It’s true I feel more “secure” in making decisions if other people agree with them – but it’s often the case of me reaching a conclusion first, then seeking validation, rather than me not knowing what decision to make and making one based on a popular consensus. I’ll stick to my earlier conclusion in spite of dissent if I feel it’s the most logical choice, but I feel better having others agree that it’s “right.” My ultimate goal is to be objective, analytical, factually-sound, and rational in my decisions – as a way of staying safe. My worst trait is underestimating myself – I don’t put myself “out there” as much as I could, for fear I can’t “do it.”

I have the most anxiety around things that threaten my finances, health, and personal security, or that could jeopardize my job or my relationships. I will put up arguments if I feel a “risk” is unnecessary and point out ways things could backfire. I’m cautious when moving forward but able to feel more confident and secure if the immediate response is a positive one.

I constantly “test people”  – subtly pushing buttons, asking provocative questions, and gauging responses to see where their views do or do not align with mine and whether my hunches are correct. The people who share my views (or don’t care), I can be more of myself with – those I know do not share my views, I hold myself back from in terms of conversation. I do this right away with strangers and new clients and periodically with loved ones; the former to see where I stand and how to approach them, the latter to see if we are still “on the same page” and can be honest with each other.

I use humor to direct focus away from myself, to make fun of my own fears, and to prevent conversations from taking a turn that could escalate into uncomfortable situations. I like to keep things “light,” and teasing people and having them respond in kind is one way I know it’s a “safe” situation and also how I maintain a sense of “fun.” I find myself at a loss about figuring out how to “connect” to people if they cannot respond to my humor or seem too serious – like when Clara, in Doctor Who, attempts to bond with her future boyfriend Danny Pink through humor, but he takes offense at one of her remarks. She becomes uncomfortable, then apologetic, then annoyed at him for being defensive, which leads to an argument before she “storms out.” And then she’s annoyed with herself later that she botched it all so badly.

Being warm and friendly is a way for me to connect and find “allies.” It’s also a way to show others I’m not a “threat.” Kind of a pre-emptive, “Let’s all have fun together and avoid anything unpleasant” strike, some of which I assign to my self-pres 7 wing, which does not want to linger too long on negativity, wants to re-frame experiences into positive ones, wants to have fun and enjoy themselves, and knows how to make things happen.

I see the 7 wing’s influence in how I instinctively plan things to look forward to in the future, as a way to escape my depression. I also see it in being scared of anything that seems to threaten my sense of “freedom.” Though I’m committed to those in my inner circle, the prospect of signing up for anything—be it a book club or a loan—makes me feel trapped. This exacerbates my anxiety. It’s one thing for me to set a goal, or a deadline, or confine myself to a task—it’s another to have an outside influence infringing upon me. A lot of what I work to achieve is to protect my current lifestyle, so I can maintain and feed my 7 wing’s need for freedom from too many obligations or responsibilities.

The best example I can think of this (including my chronic tendency to over-think) was when deciding whether to self-publish my books or attempt to find an agent. I waffled between them for months, afraid to make a decision that would “cut me off” from the second option; one of the things that ran through my head were the responsibilities and deadlines involved in a possible multiple-book deal (being committed to a certain number of titles, and a specific deadline; trapped by a publisher’s preferences for the content, quality, and plots of the books, and expected to deliver the manuscripts within an assigned period of time). Though the idea of possibly selling a lot of books tempted me, ultimately a fear of commitment and being “restrained” caused me to choose the less-famous but more “author-driven” option of independent publishing.

As a 6, I still wonder if I made the right choice, but having total freedom and creative control over my books (and my life) makes me feel safer.

- ENFP Mod

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. continued resting. i graded for four hours though! and i set up the next scene’s panel work, and i boarded two side things for the comic. 

i felt very weird and lightheaded all day. i’m not sure what that’s about, but it sure made it hard to do anything! when the sun went down i started feeling a little better.

awful dreams... didn’t sleep enough. 

oh but i got some super duper fan art of my comic in my submissions box today! it was overwhelming. there were a lot of emotions involved. i’ve been... looking at the picture a lot. i’ve had it open in a tab. like i can’t believe it’s real and it’s still there. i’m waiting to hear back from the artist on whether or not that’s the finished piece and if it’s ok to publish because she seemed to imply it wasn’t done yet and i didn’t want to be too hasty in my enthusiasm. 

like... oh my god. i don’t really know how to describe how i feel about it. the first time i saw it i had like a panic attack, as i usually do when i get a compliment (or gift art, like my friend leo gave me on my birthday). but this was a compliment AND a gift art so it was level 2 panic. i wanted really badly to feel positive about it but i had to get up and cool off for a minute before i could respond. 

i guess one big thing i was feeling was like, drawing this my dream was for someone else to like it so much they’d draw something inspired by it, i guess. i love everyone making their own projects and telling their own stories and being creative. but seeing my design for blue as drawn by someone else was like, they don’t just like how i work, if that makes sense? they like my story itself. like, my personal interpretation. it made me feel like my work is real, in a way. 

the word i’m looking for is probably “validation” but kicked out into space into the deepest meaning of the word.

leo drew jumbi for my birthday, but the last time i got, like, art of any of my (”my”) characters was 2 years ago. i’m so unused to the attention. and like, all my other characters don’t have their story published where everyone can see it. the characters are their concepts sitting loose in my notebook without a concrete story to live in, that other people have seen. i’ve got their stories written but not made public. blue and the others live in my story and seeing someone draw that was different than just someone drawing my oc off a reference sheet. i can’t articulate quite in what way it’s different.

yeah...

in a way i also feel, like, embarrassed i guess. “no! you shouldn’t like my dumb story!! i’m so sorry!!!” 

i used to get beat up and talked about behind my back and straight up kicked out of conversations with my classmates because i liked video games or dnd or whatever thing was “the wrong thing” that year. and now someone is giving me a gift over it? my brain short circuited and exploded. i feel guilty for loving it and looking at it even though there’s no one around to judge me and it’s not really a thing to get judged over anyway. i dunno. 

i can separate my baggage from my appreciation. it’s not their fault i feel guilty, and i know guilt isn’t a normal reaction. i wish something as simple as “i like your comic, i drew the guy” didn’t make so many Complicated Feelings erupt out of me. i wish i could just appreciate it. 

attention always makes my brain flail around like a beetle stuck on its back. i’m afraid of getting used to the attention though. what will i do when i stop receiving that? i have to stay prepared. i’m so used to hiding in a dark corner and not being seen or heard. even in the physics department where people generally seem to like me a lot i can’t have a conversation with more than 1 person without getting interrupted constantly, talked over, or just ignored or not heard at all. harrison tells me i talk at a normal volume and there’s no reason people shouldn’t hear me, but they just seem to... not. and i’m so used to that. 

so now when i get compliments or validation my anxiety is just like “how dare you! how dare you try to fool me into thinking i matter! i don’t matter!! i CAN’T matter!!!” because i know that even to some of my closest friends i don’t matter and i have to stay used to that or it’s going to hurt again when it happens next time. and the time after that, and the time after that.

self esteem problems, man. i’m still looking at the picture. i still love it very much. 

i still feel very sick and in a lot of pain. i have to see how i feel in the morning before i can decide if i’m up for class or not. i wish i didn’t feel so... drained, even after doing no physics work for two days straight (and very clipped physics work for the week before that). i wish i could go to a therapist, or a doctor, and have them wave a magic wand and make everything feel better physically and have my ability to focus effectively back. 

i’ve been stuck with physics, but i’ve been drawing at breakneck speed and i am worried about burning out with that too. i drew for about 2 hours today... and that’s a significant decrease. i wish i could go back to “gotta go fast” diligence with my physics work too. i got some momentum going with the grading but it was still a lot of internal screaming about how long it was taking and how much i still have to finish and how my professors are waiting on all this work that piled up while i was sick. “sick.” i still have no idea what’s actually wrong other than an injured neck and a general crummy, gunky feeling all over my insides. 

if i can grade for another 3-4 hours tomorrow i can finish it. then i can pick up the next assignment because i finished this one SO late that the next one is already also backed up and late. 

i don’t see the doctor for my test results until thursday. how can i hold out until then...?

[onceuponamirror]

Hey Sarah. I've been finding that my sleep is messed up and that I have no appetite. What could this be? Sometimes I find that fic writing really stresses me out - maybe I'm looking for validation, I don't know. It's been affecting me more lately. Anyways, would love to hear what you think. Thanks for your blog!

i relate heavily to this, but first of all, i don’t think those two things are necessarily mutually exclusive—dysfunctional sleep habits and lack of appetite are usually symptoms of general depression, which may be influencing your stress/validation seeking levels because depression kind of begets a lot of self-worth issues. 

i’ve found that these often go hand in hand; sometimes when i’m being affected by something offline (even just regular old brain chemistry), i am suddenly hyper cognizant of the reception of whatever fic i’m working on. and…that can lead to a lot of unhelpful thoughts. 

with that, to your question: 

there’s this very false concept of the “pure artist” who makes art/writes for the sake of pure expression, and i’ve come across people commenting on how anything less (like, the desire for validation) is attention seeking, or using validation as a negative word. 

we’re raised in a world in which our self-worth is very intrinsically tied to what we do, how we spend our time, what we make (fiscally or physically), etc. like, usually, when you meet a new person the second thing you ask is often what they do, right?

so the idea that there’s any output that doesn’t inherently seek validation is…naive at best. stop beating yourself up for wanting it, for wanting the work you put out into the world to be acknowledged and commented upon and appreciated. i think it’s very important to dissolve some of the negative associations with that word. 

and then, in my experience, the key to overcoming the stress that accompanies desiring validation is to…learn to self-validate, basically. 

this is something i think about a lot in my own life, working in a creative field that has a constantly shifting ideal style paradigm, in which my literal (net) worth is tied into what i make. and listen, i struggled a lot with this when i was in school, learning not to compare myself while also challenging myself against the achievements of my peers. 

but i realized while working on SH how much i’m still trying to work through that, ie exploring how concepts of expectations are very crippling; both in how we allow other’s opinions of us to shape ourselves and in how we come to crave such expectations, and then become dependent on them. accepting the destructive cycle of that, but also recognizing when an expectation can actually manifest in the form of support, care, and engagement. 

it’s constant a push and pull that i think is very common, but feels very isolating. 

(more under the cut)

into writing fic/comment culture specifically, i reached a point a couple of months ago where my depression (and self worth) was really bleeding into this hobby i turned towards in order to counteract those thoughts, and self-reflect, etc. 

and it became a moment where i realized that my problem was that i had these expectations about what validation would look like on this platform, and i felt that i wasn’t getting them, or a chapter i spent weeks slaving over would never be as popular as some smutty oneshot—and i realized that what i was agonizing over was something i’d never really achieve, because i had no idea what it would look like.

in other words, what is “success” in terms of this platform? because i wanted it badly—because listen, i really put a lot of time and energy into writing and obviously, it feels good when you’re not dumping it into a vacuum—but then i realized i had no idea what success would mean in the format of fic or tumblr. 

i stopped asking myself what else i wanted, and started looking back at what i already had, and that was a really crucial step in reaching zen about the writing process. like, i couldn't reach a peak that i didn't know---my expectations were high because i didn't know what the ceiling could be. p>

and obviously, it’s not always that easy or straight forward. it still irks me to see a fic get 800 new hits and then like, 30 reviews. it’s hard to look at that and not feel a heavy stone. i get really annoyed about this, usually about a day after i’ve updated, and i stew in this frustration over fluctuations of engagement i get with my readers. 

but you also just have to keep pushing yourself to get behind what you’re trying to do, or say, or make. work on only what you’re passionate about—which is most of self-validatation—and the comments and reception you get will feel like support of that, rather than seeing blank space from all the people that didn’t take the time to acknowledge your time and labor of love. 

and obviously, if you’re not getting joy out of writing, don’t push yourself where you don’t need to go. just don’t if you don’t want to!

however—i will say i believe struggling with validation/expectation is a natural obstacle in life, and learning to tackle it in a way that is essentially risk-free (fanfic/fandom) will be really helpful in the rest of your life. 

(also, non-writers, if you got to the end of this, i also want to say: regardless of what i said, you should still support the work you read. because we appreciate it, and it keeps us going when we’re otherwise down or losing the draw.)

anyway. this was a lot of thoughts and feelings but i’ve got a lot of those lately and i hope somewhere through these ramblings, i was able to answer your question.