#and honestly its a mood i wish it was still socially acceptable for me to be at a playground

[jigenstits]

zenigata watching as lupin somehow manages to get stuck between the monkey bars at the local playground

[coffeedrgn87]

December 22nd Drarry Drabble: "Manners Maketh"

Read Parts 1 through 6 here.

Tags: Silly Dueling, Bless them they are talking, there's even banter, discussion of six-year bathroom incident, Harry's mistletoe drives him nuts, Smoking

Less than five minutes later, Harry started to feel uneasy. He had no sensible explanation for it, but the sensation was intense, all-consuming, making him dizzy. It wasn’t the sensation of Malfoy’s spell, at least Harry didn’t think it was, but rather a strange sort of apprehension that made him feel hot and cold in equal measures. He shifted his legs, stretching them out, but that didn’t ease the discomfort. 

If anything, all it did was make his stomach churn uncomfortably. Harry simply could not keep it together. With a tight chest, tingling fingertips, and a feeling akin to quivering insides, he struggled to control himself.

A heavily subdued internal voice tried telling him to alert Malfoy, but instead of giving voice to his sudden agitation and asking for a break, he quite literally fled to the other side of the room and crossed his arms to form a barrier between him and Malfoy.

If Malfoy looked surprised, it didn’t show on his face; he simply pointed his wand at a nearby staircase.

“My office is through there. The door to the terrace is open.”

As his gaze followed Malfoy’s wand, Harry rolled his shoulders to ease the tightness in his neck and shoulders. A chance to escape outdoors sounded like heaven, and bounding up the stairs, neither looking left nor right, Harry dashed outside.

When Malfoy joined him several moments later, Harry was leaning against the balustrade of the first-floor terrace. It offered access to the ground floor garden, but Harry was in no mood to explore. Instead, he inhaled deeply, drawing London’s crisp, cold winter air into every fold of his lungs. He still felt uneasy, and keeping one arm securely pressed against his stomach, Harry rocked in place, shifting but unable to get comfortable.

Malfoy didn’t question his sudden need to escape; he simply folded into a nearby chair, crossed his legs, and, leaning back, produced a packet of cigarettes and a Muggle lighter.

Harry’s eyes widened.

“You smoke?” he asked, flushing when he realised his voice was an entire octave higher than usual.

Malfoy shrugged.

He placed a cigarette between his lips, lit it, and took a deep drag. Afterwards, he rested his hand on the chair’s armrest and exhaled rings of smoke.

“I wish I didn’t,” he said. “It’s a vice I’m still trying to shake, although I admit I’m in no rush to do so. Want one?” he asked, offering Harry the pack.

Harry shook his head, then promptly changed his mind a second later. He crossed the terrace, nabbed a cigarette and accepted when Malfoy offered him the lighter.

“I smoked for a couple years after the war, but Hermione gave me such a hard time about it I eventually quit. Well, I limit myself to social smoking when I go out, and she isn’t around.”

Malfoy grinned.

“You know, Harry, this does not surprise me; I am well-acquainted with just how terrifying Granger can be. Feeling better?”

While taking another drag, Harry took stock of how he felt. The knots in his stomach had eased up somewhat, and his chest no longer felt inexplicably tight.

“Surprisingly, yes,” he said. “Sorry about that; I’m not trying to be a pain.”

Malfoy waved his hand.

“You’re not a pain; this curse has been quite literally hanging over you for quite a while. It’s only natural that me trying to pry into its core will make you feel weird.”

Harry grimaced.

“Honestly, it wasn’t that. I just—”

Trailing off, Harry glanced around. He took another deep breath, held it inside him until the crisp air had warmed up, and then exhaled. His breath vapourised in the cold, and watching the white puffs rise up, Harry took another drag from his cigarette. It wasn’t especially strong, a bit on the light side, but the influx of nicotine calmed his frayed nerves.

“Cabin fever,” Malfoy suddenly said.

Harry looked at him with a deep frown etched on his forehead.

“Huh?” he asked.

Malfoy offered him a lopsided grin, and Harry felt his stomach flip, though he tried to pay the reaction no head.

“Cabin fever,” Malfoy repeated. “It’s hard to live a normal life with a mistletoe bobbing over your head. I imagine, since it appeared, you’ve been spending most of your time inside, and perhaps that is unconsciously bringing up things from your past.”

Inexplicably, Malfoy’s suggestion made Harry furious and glaring at Malfoy, he snapped, “What? Are you a Mind Healer too?”

Malfoy remained unperturbed. He shook his head.

“I am not. Just a suggestion.”

Harry ground his teeth together.

“Why the fuck are your like this, Malfoy. We aren’t friends! Stop acting like you’re concerned about me. I did my healing after the war. I saw mind healers, and I did the work. I don’t need you suggesting I need more.”

Instead of allowing himself to be goaded into a fight, Malfoy raised both hands in surrender.

“My apologies.”

Harry growled. 

He wanted to throw something at Malfoy, but there was absolutely nothing in his vicinity, so he hurled a hex instead. 

Malfoy dodged it easily.

“Manners maketh man, Harry, this is hardly a mature response.”

The taunt had Harry see red, and not bothering with his wand, he wandlessly directed a deluge of hexes at Malfoy. It wasn’t pretty. Colourful spells rained down on Malfoy, who drew his wand to cast several protective charms and a few defensive ones to cancel out the one or other hex. Harry simply threw a second barrage of spells at Malfoy. He didn’t think before casting, didn’t even stop to breathe. Whatever came to his mind rolled off his tongue. Malfoy defended himself effortlessly. He didn’t even bother to get up. It vexed Harry more than he wanted to admit, but after bombarding Malfoy for the third time, his magic temporarily gave out on him.

Feeling lightheaded, Harry squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips together to stop himself from throwing up. He swayed dangerously and blindly searched for something to hold on to, but in the unfamiliar environment, he struggled to find anything. He was vaguely aware of Malfoy lending his support, and then his world temporarily went black.

***

When Harry regained consciousness sometime later, he was in bed. Not his bed but a bed. Feeling too warm, he kicked the blanket off but did not attempt to sit up. The mattress was just firm enough, and the mountain of pillows underneath his head was beyond comfortable.

“Welcome back.”

Jumping at the familiar sound, Harry turned his head sideways. Malfoy sat in a wingback armchair by the window. He had one leg folded over the other and a book with a pink cover in his lap.

Harry ground his teeth together and grumbled. He caught sight of the mistletoe out of the corner of his eye. His mood immediately plummeted, then his mind unhelpfully supplied him with a play-by-play of him duelling Malfoy and embarrassment settled in. A rush of heat rose into his cheeks, and groaning, Harry rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillows.

“Just AK me already.”

Malfoy’s soft laugh sent a shiver down Harry’s spine.

“I can try, but I doubt I’ll be successful. It’ll probably just tickle you.”

Peeking at Malfoy, Harry arched a brow.

“Huh?”

Malfoy shrugged.

“You have to mean it, don’t you? Casting an Unforgiveable, I mean.”

Harry nodded into the pillows.

“Hm, yes.”

“And therein lies the problem, Harry. I hold no grudge against you. This makes it damn near impossible for me to cast an AK at you and mean it. Besides, it’d probably just bounce off you like water off a duck’s back. You’re kind of famous for that.”

Harry snorted.

“Arsehole. I slashed you open once; you have every reason.”

Malfoy let out a long-suffering sigh. Harry was tempted to take another peek at him but resisted turning his head and kept his face buried in the pillows instead.

“I can understand why you’d think that way, but our bathroom duel wasn’t just you attacking me out of the blue, Potter. I played my part, too. Sure, casting an offensive spell you do not know was an absolutely daft thing to do, not to mention perilous, but it was done in self-defence. Besides, Severus did an outstanding job at patching me up. Most of the scars are barely visible. Unless you look very, very closely.”

Harry didn’t know what to say, but he turned his head again to look at Malfoy.

“Can I still apologise?”

“I thought you did that when you spoke up for me during the trials.”

Harry shook his head.

“I did that because it was the right thing to do.”

Malfoy smiled.

“I see. Well, I’d rather we leave the past in the past and remain in the present, but if it means that much to you, I’m prepared to accept an apology.”

Harry frowned.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Malfoy chuckled.

“Well, if you desperately want to apologise, go ahead.”

Harry threw a half-hearted glare at Malfoy.

“Stop mocking me,” he grumbled.

Malfoy laughed.

“I am not mocking you, that is.”

“Feels like.”

“I assure you, I am not. On a different note, your spells earlier were quite impressive.”

Harry buried his face back in the pillows and pressed one over the back of his head.

“Yeah, right. So impressive that I fucking fainted,” he muttered.

“You launched a wandless attack out of anger; of course, you fainted. There’s only so much magical energy our bodies can store, and you basically exhausted all of it.”

Harry moved one of the pillows and looked at Malfoy.

“Is that why I feel like my body is made of lead?” he asked.

Malfoy nodded.

“Likely. It’ll wear off in a couple of hours, faster with a hearty meal.”

“Sorry for going off on you like that. I didn’t mean to be an arse.”

Malfoy huffed a laugh.

“You know what, Harry. It’s okay to feel frustrated, but please know I’m not playing some sort of game. If you absolutely insist, I can be a snarky fuck, but I don’t see the point of making both our lives miserable.”

Harry chewed on the inside of his mouth for a while, then shifted to take a better look at Malfoy.

“I’d like the Malfoy who sent me that snarky note, please.”

Malfoy’s laughter reverberated through the room, bouncing off the walls and making Harry shiver with its intensity.

“Alright, Potter. If it makes you feel better, I can be that Malfoy. So, do you want to stay cooped up over Christmas, or shall we try and get rid of that blasted mistletoe once and for all?”

A strange thought entered Harry’s head, but he couldn’t bring himself to entertain it, much less keep it in his mind for long enough to accidentally say it out loud. It was one thing to engage in a bit of banter with Malfoy and quite another to ask him whether a kiss from him might disappear from the mistletoe. Harry didn’t even know where the idea had come from. It suddenly entered his mind, and the harder Harry tried not to think about it, the more insistent it became. He glared up at the mistletoe.

“Malfoy, that fucking thing is messing with my head; get it away from me.”

[champagnepodiums]

You once said we could come to you with anything and here I am. I'm sorry in advance if I ruin your mood but my goodness it sucks being lonely. I can't talk to people I really fucking want to, pretty sure my only best friend ever and I are no longer even acquaintances, guys are never interested in me and I just want someone to come give me a hug and be there for me ya know which leaves me here ranting unasked to a virtual stranger. You mentioned you have a kid which means you're an adult adult and I just want to know if it ever gets better? Do you ever actually find someone who wants you and all of you - the good, the bad, the ugly or is it better to not hope for silly things like that? Also I would be so thankful for just any advice you or other proper adults or really other baby adults who are pretty mature have for me

- a sad bitch who's turned 18 and is now legally an adult but doesn't feel like one

When I said my inbox was open for anything, I meant it. You haven't ruined my mood at all, I'm honored you feel comfortable coming to me for advice.

Does it get better?

Yes. It definitely does.

I will admit though when it comes to love, I am an anomaly as I met my husband two months after I turned 18... We've been married for 5 years now. We are definitely the exception and not the rule.

But this man has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of me (and I'd argue that there has been more bad and ugly than there has been good) and he's still here, he still loves me, he accepts me for who I am.

I don't think it's silly to hope for things like that, but I understand the cynicism. I've spent a lot of my life thinking that I was not worthy of love, that somehow I did not deserve it and I've finally realized that yes, I do and so do you.

But it gets better. I swear it gets better, I am living a life that I could not have imagined when I was 18, a happy life with friends that value me.

Friendships are hard. I guess I should also attach the disclaimer that I'm on the autism spectrum and maintaining friendships is an area that I deeply struggle. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to be a good friend and how to find good friends (and I wish I had the magic answer to how to make friendships work and work long term but I don't. It's all trial and error and remembering that its okay if they don't text you back right away, they likely don't hate you.)

The best thing that has helped me is just involving myself in different communities -- it's an easy way to find people that you know you have at least one thing in common with. It's probably why I'm so active in online spaces and honestly, without online spaces, I probably wouldn't be here. I used to feel a lot of shame for having mostly online friends but I've grown out of that shame -- it's easier for my autistic brain to type words than it is for me to speak them and it's more comfortable. So I guess alls that to say is to find where you're comfortable at. Sometimes just existing in a community can lead to wonderful friendships (it has for me).

My other big piece of advice that I've found has helped me tremendously is to find the small things that make you happy and hold onto them, look forward to them and don't care what other people might think of them. For me, those things are motorsport and TV shows -- so I always have something to look forward to. It's also cheesy romance novels that I read on Kindle Unlimited that I can 100% predict ahead of time. It's my 30 spreadsheets that I have filled with driver social media data. It's the historical research, the newspaper archives I'm combing through. It's the one fic I'm working on that I think about like 200000x more than I actually spend working on it. Small things that make me happy because life is short and who cares if other people think they're dumb?

Lastly, I'm here for you. I'm sending virtual hugs. Hopefully some of the other adults that follow me will drop some more advice for you. But really, feel free to drop into my asks if you need specific advice or if you want somebody to talk to -- about anything, please DM me. I don't judge, I just have love here.

I hope some of this helps.

(More advice for you was sent in here)

[silkylious]

Safe (Kaminari Denki x Reader)

Warnings: slight angst/insecurities, comfort, fluff Pairing: kaminari denki x reader Prompt: #58 “You make me feel safe”

A/N: idk why but i hc that kaminari is actually very insecure but jokes around and shit as a coping mechanism. can you sense the self projection here. hope you enjoy this, it was very fun to write!

You sprung forward, eyes wide awake with alarm. Your mind struggled to catch up with your body; phantom sensations still lingering on your skin, static scenes of vibrant blue flames scorched into your brain as your heavy breaths died down into a slightly more regulated rhythm. This was the fifth time this week. It’s been two full months since the training camp, two full months since you’ve moved into the dorms and you still weren’t over it yet. The nightmares just wouldn’t stop.

You plopped back down on the mattress, exasperated and thoroughly annoyed at having your precious slumber cut short. Again. Honestly, for such a prestigious school, U.A. has probably the worst counseling team you’ve ever seen­– or haven’t seen, because despite several of your classmates showing painfully obvious signs of trauma, the school staff has barely stepped in. You huffed at the administration’s incompetence, turning on your side to glare at nothing in particular. A ping interrupted your train of thought, drawing your attention to the device laying on your nightstand. You snatched your phone, unlocking it and immediately squinting at the brightness before checking the time. Three in the morning. Who the hell would text you at ass o’clock in the morning? You knew who.

Pika pika⚡: [image] [image] [image]

some maymays for when you wake up 😌😌

You: they’re called memes ffs

Pika pika⚡: you’re awake??👀

You: no.

The message was left on seen, though the interface of the messaging up was replaced by that of an incoming call. You rolled your eyes, though a slight smile stretched your tired features at the picture of you and Kaminari grinning at the camera. You accepted the call.

“Why are you up?” His voice came through mildly distorted but still as loud as ever, too loud for three in the fucking morning.

“Can’t sleep,” Your answer was slightly muffled by a yawn, betraying just how exhausted you were. The silence that proceeded was deafening, neither of you uttering a word, but you could faintly hear his even breathing. It was oddly calming. You sigh, lids blinking to fight off your drowsiness.

“…You’re still having nightmares?” Words tinged with worry, his voice was much quieter now, gentler. If anything, Kaminari was a great friend. He’d proven that to you time and time again. He was the only one that could tell when you were drowning in hushed misery, seeing through your well-constructed front like it was second nature to him. For someone so astoundingly moronic, he was extremely socially intelligent, and even observant when he wanted to be. And for the umptieth time, he’s showing you just how easily he could pick up on the small traces of discomfort in your voice, the silent plea left unspoken from your lips.

“Yeah…” The reply didn’t come out as resolute as you’d wished it would have been. But it couldn’t be helped. No matter how hard you willed yourself to level your tone in hopes of fending off his concerns, you knew it would all crumble at some point. Go figure your strong façade would fall apart in front of him. It’s always been him. For some reason unknown to you (yet), confiding in him just felt right, secure.

More silence ensued.

Denki was a natural at detecting people’s emotions, but that’s as far as his expertise would go. Sure, he knew how to encourage others, pushing them past their insecurities was as easy as breathing to him. With bright, golden hues and an obnoxiously dorky grin, all he had to do was utter a few optimistic words and that would get the job done. But comfort? Vulnerability? That was so far beyond the shallow waters he’d grown accustomed to. Sentimentalities weren’t his thing, he simply didn’t posses the wisdom and eloquence needed to deal with such situations. His immediate reaction would be to crack a joke, fruitless attempts at lightening the mood but he knew there was a time and place for jests, and this wasn’t one of them. Awkwardness and half-hearted jabs were his immediate reaction… because that’s how he dealt with his own problems too.

“Hey… can I come over? We can play animal crossing or something,” You sure as shit wouldn’t be able to sleep, not in this state. You needed a distraction. A friend.

“What if we get caught?”

“Would you even care if we got caught?”

A light chuckle. “No,”

“Exactly. I’ll be there in a bit.”

The line went dead, he stared at the blank screen of his phone before flopping onto his back. Why you’d be so open with him of all people when he saw just how uneasy around his other classmates, he didn’t know. The list of people he thought were more deserving of your trust was almost unending, and he wasn’t even close to the top of it. One thought brought forward another, each one getting progressively more deprecative, and the sloppily sewn patch over his self-doubt started to tear, ripped off its poorly embedded stitches. He was confident in himself, until he joined class 1-A that is. He just felt… there compared to his peers. His body was nothing to laugh at, but his build was still considerably lean compared to the people he was around. The fact that such a talented, hardworking person had taken interest in him was frankly baffling. He wasn’t as flashy as Todoroki, or as powerful as Bakugo, or as brainy as Midoriya. He was just him. Lackluster, average him. It only added insult to injury when he’d witnessed how they looked at you. They pined for you, and he couldn’t blame them. He craved you too. But god, the nagging thought that you were wasting your time hanging around someone like him, that he was stealing you away from people who were (in his opinion) glaringly more worthy of cherishing you than him, it just wouldn’t go away. You had so many stronger, smarter, better options out there that he couldn’t help but be reminded of how lacking– inadequate he was compared to seemingly everyone else. And yet you chose to get close to him. In a superhuman class full to the brim with prodigies and workaholics, you picked him. It didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.

He was fished into reality and away from his sea of self-doubt when he heard three consecutive knocks on his door. Just how long had he laid there, wallowing?

The door creaked open and you were greeted with the glorious sight of Kaminari in a Pikachu onesie, a ruffled (adorable) tuft of electric, blonde hair peeking out from under the hood. You snorted.

“Nice pj’s,”

Denki blinked, looking down only to realize that he hadn’t changed out of his onesie because of his overthinking session. An embarrassed chuckle escaped him as he scratched at the side of his cheek, a lopsided smile and a cherry tint creeping up his complexion.

“What can I say, I always have to be on brand.”

You loved that about him. He seemed so laid-back, uncaring, willing to roll with whatever punches were thrown at him, playing off jocular comments and rude insults alike with practiced ease. Giggling past him, you situated on his bed, ready to forget about your nightmares and just have fun with your friend. And if Denki was a genius at anything, it was having fun.

Hours flew by at the pace of minutes, it was now six in the morning, the sun had begun to show its yellow glow and you’d spent the entirety of dawn kicking Kaminari’s butt at Mario kart, sharing laughs and fleeting touches. He liked this, you liked this. Despite knowing that he wasn’t by any means the best suitor for you, he couldn’t halt the need to monopolize you. How could he, when your very presence (unbeknownst to you) shoved his insecurities unceremoniously into the backseat in favor of enjoying the moment with you? He hadn’t a clue how you did it, but you always managed to shoo away his doubts just by being there, and he selfishly couldn’t (and wouldn’t) let go of that. You immersed him in riveting ventures of the now, miles and acres away from his overbearing thoughts. All without even trying, without even knowing it.

It was the weekend (thank fuck) and sleeping in sounded like heaven on earth right now. If it weren’t for your nightmares. The fear of recounting those horrid memories in horrific detail again barred your eyes from sleep, regardless of how spent you were. Apparently, Denki’s spidey-friendship senses kicked in again, because he immediately noticed the apprehension on your face, the stiffness in your movements as you were preparing to leave. He knew exactly what was up with you, and he couldn’t let you leave like that, it would eat him up for days. He grabbed your wrist as you turned for the door.

“Do you wanna stay?”

Maybe it was your exhausted mind finally turning into mush, or maybe it was the softness in his voice, the docile concern in his eyes that made you agree on staying. Your compliance surprised you both, honestly. You were both very aware that you wouldn’t have accepted the offer had it been anyone else. But in retrospect it seemed rational. After all, throughout the whole night, not once did you think back to the horrors that would visit you in your sleep, not once did you feel the crippling anxiety clawing at the frayed edges of your psyche. Instead you felt secure, sound. Safe. And you came to an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t the idea of sleep that scared you, maybe it was the impending loneliness, isolation and uncertainty that you’d often experience without him.

“Yes,”

You laid there, facing each other, a considerable distance between you. No words exchanged, yet you could tell there was a lot on his mind. He decided to voice it all in one question. He knew you were smart enough to catch the underlying self-doubt in his vaguely worded inquiry. Whether you pointed it out or not was entirely up to you, however.

“Why did you say yes to me?”

The articulation caught you off guard, you’d never seen him so… unsure before. Your mind raced with the different possible implications behind his wording, though you decided to quell them all with one single sentence. You smiled, soft and lazy, moving closer to seek out some of his warmth.

“You make me feel safe, Denki.”

And he really did. Even though you came to the revelation mere minutes ago, you accepted it swimmingly, it felt right to do so. It startled you how ready you were to embrace the newfound feelings, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Kaminari was stunned, to say the least. He hadn’t expected that response from you and he honestly still couldn’t rationalize it completely either. But for now, the budding feeling in his heart trumped over his ever-present uncertainty, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

[ms-gallows]

Astrological signs for Anakin Skywalker!

I mostly just focused on the signs and planets, not on the houses that they fell into, so there may be some inconsistencies! I might change these later the more I learn, but this is just for fun! Here is my take on Anakin! (with some minor Obi-Wan analysis for comparison!) Read Obi-Wan’s interpretation here. Edit: I changed Anakin’s moon!

Before I get into this, I want to explain the elements and the modes: Air = thoughts/intellect Earth = materialism/pragmatism Water = emotion/spiritualism Fire = Action/Instinct 

Cardinal = initiative Fixed = stability Mutable = adaptability

Anakin has mostly Fire and Water, making him active and emotional. He has just enough air to give him an unconventional intellect. He is also Cardinal and Fixed dominant, which gives him initiative and stability (not often a word you would describe Anakin with!). He has a beautifully intense chart, this boy belongs in a Gothic novel. Lord Byron would be proud.

Scorpio Ascendant: The ascendant is our mask or ‘filter’. It is the first layer of our personality, what we show to people before they truly know us. Anakin processes the world around him through the lens of a Scorpio; with high emotional intensity and an almost psychic perception. He is reserved with most people around him, he keeps his guard up like a Scorpio. Most of the time he keeps quiet, letting Obi-Wan do the talking with his more chatty Libra Ascendant. Scorpio Ascendants also look very intense, and may come across as cold to people. Unlike Obi-Wan’s airy Libra, Scorpio has a very heavy presence, because it’s a fixed sign. It has the intensity of a black hole. 

He’s not going to budge an inch, until he knows that he’s safe around you. 

This is probably why Anakin comes across as a loner most of the time, even though this boy is like ‘im so lonely please love me i’m so lonely’. When people get to know Anakin better, and he lets his guard down, they get a glimpse of his core Aries self (Obi-Wan is very familiar with this side). 

Aries Sun: The Sun is the ‘core’ part of the personality. Anakin is an Aries Sun, a fiery cardinal sign, making him highly action-oriented. Anakin seems to have a lot of trouble staying still, always needing to do something with his body or work with his hands. He needs to see the fruits of his labors right now dammit.

Anakin often gets typed as a Scorpio Sun, however I think Scorpio, for all of its emotional volatility, can be frighteningly calculating. Scorpio Sun likes to hide in the shadows, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to strike. Anakin broods like a Scorpio, but he has the impatience of an Aries, and carries out most of his actions like an Aries.

His Aries Sun is very active, always on the move, acting on its feelings almost without thought. Anakin seems to be flying by the seat of his pants in most areas of life. He’s also naturally pretty fiery and competitive, having no issue with showing off. Anakin is restless, he has an urge to push boundaries and to experience everything. He’s very open, and his moon blends in easily with this. It’s this fire and action-oriented cardinal energy that has given him drive to become a Jedi, and probably his Aquarius/Scorpio that gives him the follow-through. Cardinal energy wants to lead, and Anakin is a natural-born leader. It comes more naturally to him than to Obi-Wan’s mutable Virgo!

Moon in Sagittarius Leo: The moon is our vulnerabilities, our emotions, and our maternal instinct. It is the side of ourselves that comes out when we are most comfortable. I thought that Anakin was a Sagittarius moon, since he seems given to sensory experiences. The more I saw how he interacted with Ahsoka, however, I’m starting to think he is in fact a Leo Moon. His emotions are wrapped in his pride. I remember the idea that Anakin wants more than what a Jedi’s life offers, even though he shouldn’t. He has strong desires. There is a nobility to Leo, fiercely protective of what it claims as its own. The way he tells Ahsoka he would never let anyone hurt her makes me think of a lion protecting its cub. Anakin is so fiercely protective of her, he sneers at the mere implication that Asajj sees a part of herself in her. With Padme, he wants to express his love in grand, dramatic gestures, probably in ways that he wishes he could show the whole world, but he can’t. He wants to save people who are suffering and right wrongs in a very grandiose manner. It feels like a divine calling, a narrative in which he is the main character, it is his purpose in life. This is how Anakin mothers the people he loves. Extreme, devout protection and gestures of adoration. Just think of a Lion’s majesty and ferocity, and you’ve got Anakin’s moon. 

Mercury in Aquarius: Mercury is all about how we understand things, think, and communicate. Anakin’s Aquarius Mercury is having a hard time breathing with all these fire and water signs around it. This is where Anakin’s unconventional thought patterns come from. Anakin will come up with a solution to a problem that is very unexpected. Anakin’s action-driven Sun, his possibility-driven Moon, and his forward-thinking Aquarius Mercury combine to make him a very daring pilot. Honestly it makes him very daring in many areas. His Aquarius Mercury is fascinated by tech and creating new things with it. He also doesn’t care much for social etiquette, and may even be amused by saying something blunt. He has a taste for innovation. Him and Obi-Wan having Mercury signs in air makes me think that’s why their banter is so amusing. They are both quick witted in this regard.

Venus in Scorpio: Venus rules romance, aesthetics, and taste. Oh boy, this is a doozy. Where do I start?

Having a water-based Venus is compatible with Obi-Wan’s water-based Moon. Water signs are compatible with other water-signs. However, there is a problem: Obi-Wan’s moon only comes out when he feels completely comfortable to do so. That happens extremely rarely. 

Anakin’s Venus is pulling at Obi-Wan’s Moon, demanding that Obi-Wan share a part of himself that Obi-Wan only shows when he feels absolutely safe to do so. Unfortunately, being a Jedi, it’s never safe to do so. Scorpio probes, which might even feel parasitic to Obi-Wan.  Obi-Wan will block it out, because it’s sensitive, it hurts. Anakin interprets this as a rejection, and thinks that he did something wrong, when it’s really just not the way Obi-Wan expresses his love (most of the time). That said, the detail-orientation of Obi-Wan’s Venus and his emotionally-psychic moon are extremely precise in detecting Anakin’s mood-changes and feelings.

(Obi-Wan’s Moon/Venus: “I love you but I don’t know how to deal with this.”)

Anakin’s love is raw. It is an all-consuming type of love, it’s like an addiction, a drug. Anakin wants to know the depths of someone’s soul, he wants to know someone’s deepest traumas and demons, to accept them and love them for all that they are, because ultimately that is what he craves for himself.

This kind of love is extremely intimidating to Obi-Wan’s gentle Virgo Venus and sensitive Cancer Moon. I don’t think Padme really knows how to deal with it either. I don’t think he’s shown all of it to her.

Scorpio Venus, along with his Scorpio Ascendant, makes Anakin very possessive and stubborn. This doesn’t mean that Scorpio Venuses are bad, only that they have an urge to take things to an extremely intense depth that most others don’t feel comfortable going to. Not everyone sees that as love. A Scorpio Venus has to learn that not everything has to go that deep, and that boundaries need to be respected.

On the plus side, you can probably tell your deepest secrets and insecurities to Anakin, and he won’t tell a soul. He’ll probably feel closer to you. 

Suspecting rejection, Anakin thinks he has to prove how much he loves someone, so that they don’t let him go. I think of the scene where Anakin gives his lightsaber to Padme, as a symbol of his life and love (I also suspect that Padme is probably a Cancer Ascendant, which would explain Anakin being drawn to her because she has a mothering, caring energy that he wants in love). Anakin doesn’t realize that he doesn’t have to go to these extreme lengths to prove that he loves someone, he doesn’t see that they already love him. He feels wrong and broken, and he wants someone who can heal his soul, when he really needs to look inwards and heal himself.

A Scorpio Venus can also take things very personally and become wrathful. Scorpio has a divine wrath, it is complete and utter destruction. Anakin is fire and ice, he burns everything to ash and freezes it over.

(Anakin’s Leo Moon/Scorpio Venus: “Why are you leaving me? What did I do wrong?”)

Losing someone he loves is death itself to him. When he speaks to Master Unduli about not giving up on Ahsoka, the thought of losing her looks like it physically pains him. 

In short: Anakin not properly dealing with his Scorpio Venus/Leo Moon is probably the cause of his fall. 

Also: Scorpios like darkness and intensity. To them, it is the most real, the most deep. Explains why Anakin likes black, huh?

Mars in Aries Scorpio: Mars rules passion, war, instinct, and sexuality. An Scorpio Mars is a planet in the sign of its old rulership! It is not as potent as Aries, but I changed it because I examined the way Anakin goes to war. He is more likely, at least later on, to use underhanded and sneaking tactics. This is where he becomes very cold, calculating, unyielding. Having a third inner planet (Ascendant sort of counts as a planet) in Scorpio makes his personality slightly unbalanced. There’s a LOT of Scorpio here, a lot of intense emotions that he has difficulty understanding. He can never completely express himself, there is something he’s always holding back, and he doesn’t even know what it is that he’s holding back.  

When it comes to sexuality, this is another area where Anakin gets possessive. This is where not only his Mars, but his Scorpio Venus and Leo Moon all come out to play. The eroticism is ridiculous. It’s wild, uninhibited, dark, passionate, emotional, and probably loud. What a drama queen. He’s easily aroused and wants to give everything he can to his partner. Having Scorpio in the planets of love and sexuality makes his expressions of love tinged with darkness. He probably has a dominant edge and wants to explore dark taboos. He wants to utterly consume his partner and have them consume him in return. This is an intense sensory and emotional experience for him, and he wants the best. His ideal is a luxurious bed with candles, a beautiful moonlit view, and nobody else for miles. Leaving his partners exhausted and satisfied is what he strives for, and he’d wish they could do this forever. Aries/Leo/Scorpio make his head, back, and well...his genitals, his erogenous zones, respectively.

[violet-knox]

Every Moment with You is Precious

Year 7 - Chapter 61

Summary: Connor asks if you will stay at Hogwarts over the holidays and it strikes a nerve with Severus.

Word count: 2479

Warnings: tiny bit of naught touching

Previous Chapter - Chapter 1 

~

You wondered at times if Connor ever picked up on the slightest hint of your relationship with Severus or if he was completely oblivious to the multiple slip-ups you’d made over the few months you’d known him. Either way, you were getting more than a little tired of sharing what was supposed to be your time alone as a couple with Connor. It was bad enough he’d managed to join you both as you studied together, but did he really have to follow you on your way to class too?

“But anyways, I wanted to ask if either of you would be staying at Hogwarts over the holidays,” he said. Your mind had honestly trailed off the second Connor began conversing with Severus about the potion you’d been working on in your N.E.W.Ts class. You just couldn’t be bothered with something that only brought you stress to think about but mention of the holidays definitely brought back your attention. Your mind wandered to the dream of you and Severus enjoying one another’s company away from most students as you had over the summer. Two full weeks alone, spending it during such a joyful time of the year. 

“We both are,” you responded a little reluctantly. You weren’t sure why he’d brought up the holidays, but you had a feeling whatever the reason wasn’t going to sit well with either you or Severus.  

“Oh!” Connor exclaimed happily, a hint of shock present in his tone. “I’m surprised to hear that. Most people head home for the holidays and I, in fact, normally do, but my parents are on a business trip to South America right now and they won’t be back until the New Year so I figured I’d stay here for Christmas.”

You looked over to Connor and smiled, a small bit of disappointment hidden beneath your eyes. Hanging your head, you looked away in the hopes your true reaction to his news would go unnoticed. You liked Connor, you really did. It was nice to have someone other than Severus to spend your days with and you were happy that Severus had warmed up to him, but this was the first time you were to spend the holidays with Severus as a real couple. It was a chance for you both to make up for the loss of last year’s Christmas and one you’d both been looking forward to for a while now. 

The school would be fairly empty, and you’d have the place to yourselves; an entire castle for you to roam at your own leisure, no homework to concern yourselves with, Quidditch on pause, no urgent responsibilities pressing on you. All your focus was supposed to be on Severus and your relationship together but with Connor here, you weren’t sure how likely these fantasies were anymore.

“How… wonderful.” You didn’t even bother looking up at Severus, you could tell he was even more irritated with the news than you were and that was before Connor confirmed what you’d feared he’d suggest. 

“Well perhaps we could spend Christmas together? Perhaps head down to Hogsemeade and spend the day there?”

“They don’t allow Hogsmeade trips over the holidays. But they do remove the house tables in the Great Hall, so we can all have dinner together,” you said before Severus could have another word. You had to fight the urge to shun Connor and ban him from spending Christmas with you like you knew Severus would have done, but it was hard to be kind to him when you were forced to give up such a romantic time with Severus. Still, you didn’t want to be rude, especially when neither of you shared the desire to tell Connor about your relationship. “Why don’t we open presents together in the Great Hall Christmas morning.”

Severus almost burst into a complete fit when you’d mentioned sacrificing Christmas morning all to please someone he could barely tolerate. You’d promised him this friendship wouldn’t come between you both and though he could see you’d previously kept your word, he felt as though the invitation you were currently extending crossed a line.  

“You’re heading to the greenhouse aren’t you Connor?” Severus interrupted as you all came to a halt in front of the entrance to the dungeons. The look on his face, the tone in his voice was absolutely treacherous and you knew the second Connor left, he’d voice his protest about what you’d just agreed to with zero restraint. 

“Yes, I am,” said Connor as he looked down the hall where Severus had gestured. “I suppose I’ll see you both after dinner.”

The second Connor began making his own way to class, Severus turned on his heel and walked down to the dungeons at an alarming rate, only slowing down when he looked back and saw you’d lagged behind. He led you both to an abandoned hall and stood there with his arms crossed, brows furrowed, looking as though you’d done something awful to offend him. 

“Before you start,” you said, holding your hands up in front of you as if such a gesture would do you any good. “Remember what I said about Connor being our friend.”

“Your friend (Y/N). He’s your friend, not mine,” he said, emphasizing the word ‘your’ as if that would change your perspective. Sometimes you weren’t sure why you still continued to try and reason with him when he did such a great job of denying his own feelings towards other people. Then again, he did eventually open up to you so perhaps your efforts wouldn’t be completely lost on him. 

“That’s not fair Severus, I know you’ve both spoken with one another without me present and as much as you want to deny it, I know you enjoy his company as he does yours!” Judging by his crossed arms and rolled eyes, your words had bounced right off him. You’d failed at making a dent in his attitude towards Connor and you were beginning to think this was a battle you would never win. 

“(Y/N), I don’t want to spend Christmas with him!” He exclaimed with a puff of air. Frowning, he looked back at you and slowly began to wrap his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest as he tried his best to keep from shouting. He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to argue with you and despite what you’d clearly assumed, he understood the need for friends though he personally wouldn’t have chosen someone as clingy as Connor. But it wasn’t about him. It wasn’t even about your wish for him to expand his social circle, it was about you and your relationship with him. “This is our first real Christmas together, our one chance to do as we please over the Holidays and I don’t want to spend a second of it with anyone but you.”

You looked up at him, his eyes pleading for your understanding and his tone softening your stance. You let your hands slowly trail up from his wrists until they rested on his shoulder. It always filled your heart with joy to hear Severus care so much about you and your love for him, but as unfortunate as it was, you didn’t live in a world that stopped because you wanted to spend Christmas alone with each other. The world wasn’t going to cater to your absolute needs and so you had to try and help Severus compromise for the sake of his own resolve. 

“I know Sev,” you said as you gently lay a hand over his jaw, your thumb comfortably sweeping his cheek. “But we have to be realistic here. Either we accept a few hours with him on Christmas, or we tell him about our relationship, and I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not have that conversation with Connor.”

Severus leaned into your touch, your arm wrapping around his neck and bringing your bodies closer. Your lips twitched into a warm smile and with a soft sigh, he let go of the fantasy Christmas day he’d envisioned and accepted the reality you offered instead. His gaze dropped a moment as you both stood there in silence, secretly comforting the other for the alone time you’d just agreed to giving up. You knew this was going to be much harder on Severus than it would be on you and you only hoped that spending the evening with him on Christmas would make up for your lost morning. He already had such a hard time with holidays, loneliness his only company throughout his years and you’d promised yourself you’d never let him feel unwanted like everyone else in his life had. 

Grief was really the only way to describe how he felt in this moment. He felt like someone had just stripped away ten years of his lifetime by simply asking him to give up two hours on Christmas morning with you. It wasn’t fair. He’d been looking forward to this day for so long, more than he’d ever care to admit to you, but deep down he knew you were right. He knew you were only trying to be civil but that didn’t mean he couldn’t protest. 

“I could always lock us up in the Slytherin common room next time you sneak in,” he offered, lifting the mood with a joke that only carried a sliver of truth. Though the more he thought about it, the more he’d begun to see its benefits. He was after all, the only Slytherin in his dorm to ever stay at Hogwarts over the holidays and with your new status as an Animagus, he was sure you’d manage to easily sneak in without arising suspicion. 

“Don’t be daft Severus.” Your words dismissed his offer though you smiled nonetheless. It wasn’t a terrible idea, not if you’d planned it so you each had an excuse to stay in throughout Christmas, but you knew no matter how much you’d wished to take back the day, you were wrong to do so. But it definitely never hurt to dream. 

“I’m completely serious (Y/N),” he said, mimicking your smile and wondering if you’d ever truly consider hiding away with him. You’d already spent so much time alone with him already, reading, cuddling and exploring one another’s bodies, it wouldn’t be a complete jump in your relationship if you’d spent one lousy day locked in his dorm. But he knew better. He knew that caring side of yours he admired so much would win in the end. Truthfully, he’d always counted on your kindness to inspire him and lead him through the world, something he wished he could have leaned on growing up. But that didn’t matter now, his past was behind him and you were his future. 

“Spending an hour, maybe two with him in the morning won’t kill you Sev, and after that, we can hide away all you like.” You bit your lip and looked at him with pleading eyes, hoping he’d accept your compromise. 

Severus pressed himself against you as you slid your hand into his hair, your fingers weaving themselves between his locks. He stood there, taunting you with his silence as if he was heavily weighing his options. Staring into his eyes, you could tell you’d convinced him to take part in a shared civil Christmas morning, but of course, his pride had to stand in the way of simply agreeing to your statement. 

“If that’s what you want then fine. But I won’t do it without protest,” he finally spoke.  

“I would expect nothing less.” You rolled your eyes and shook your head at his response. His attitude was quite stubborn at times, but that didn’t stop you from gripping the strands of hair between your fingers and pressing your lips to his. He didn’t hesitate to kiss you back, all his worries and frustrations melting away as he indulged himself in the affection you offered. Your free hand slipped from his shoulder, down his chest to hook two fingers around his belt and pull him closer. 

He felt a spark of lust ignite his need for you, the small moan he gave, muffled by your lips, betraying his composure. He felt your lips twitch into a smile against his and decided if you were happy to tease him when you both should’ve been making your way to class right now, then he’d have no problem teasing you right back. With one hand travelling to rest on your lower back, he let the other find the hem of your skirt, seeking the skin underneath. Gently, he edged a foot between yours, his thighs pressing against your uniform as he parted your kiss and began to trail his tongue down your jaw until he heard a small whimper escape your throat when he found that sensitive spot on your neck. 

You’d been so distracted by the suction you felt at the croak of your neck, you’d almost missed the icy touch of his slim fingers creeping up the back of your thigh and resting beneath your bottom. He took his time enjoying the cushion of your behind as he continued working on your neck, each shiver your body made fueling him further. He’d never felt so driven to mark you before, perhaps out of anger towards a certain Ravenclaw or perhaps it was something more, something he’d held back since the day in the rain before your first Quidditch match. He wanted you, all of you, and he could no longer imagine going a single day without you in his heart. 

“Severus,” you whispered in desperation when he squeezed your arse, suddenly feeling very exposed as you realized where you were. A wandering student, or worse, a staff member, could stumble upon you at any moment and you were far from ready to face that embarrassment. 

He seized his hands from their place, his lips leaving your skin when he sensed the hesitation in your tone and took a small step back. His hands quickly found your as your eyes met, a smile settling on his face. 

“Ready for class then?” He teased, pushing back your hair and smirking at the mark he’d left behind. 

You immediately swatted his hand away, fixing your hair and adjusting your clothes, praying it would be enough to keep attention off of you as you made your way to class. Severus followed as you led the way out of the dark hallway towards your Potion’s class, stuffing his hands in his pocket and proudly displaying his half smile. You sighed with relief at the fact that you’d at least managed to brighten his mood and hoped your evident need for his affection was enough for him to understand how much your time together meant to you despite offering to sacrifice some of it to Connor. 

~

Next Chapter

~

@raven-hopeflyte @sleepysnapesnake @wanderingtrails @bush-viper-cutie @fluffymadamina @dracos-mudblood

[pebblysand]

[SEPTEMBER ‘21] - THE LIFE/WRITING UPDATE NO ONE ASKED FOR (AND SOME QUICK LINKS)

well, hello hello, welcome, it is september first and hogwarts is back in session, haha! where’s your letter, did you get it? i hope so!

in true gryffindor fashion, i’m a summer person. i like parties, the beach and hot weather, so i’m currently working hard, trying to delay the inevitable return of autumn and the dreaded back-to-school mood by staying in sunny southern france for a few more days. i’ll be back in dublin on saturday where, as per usual, rain has been scheduled to occur upon my return lol.

Anyway, before diving into more life/writing updates, here are some quick links to different blog pages you might not see on mobile :

to read my fics [updated]

to read my original work

fic recs

to read my tumblr rants about stuff

[NOTE: i am currently not accepting prompts. i already have a backlog, folks.]

Castles (chap 9) ETA: optimistic? 19 September. realistic? october.

links extended a/n-s: chapter v ; chapter vi & vii ; chapter viii

[more life/writing updates under the cut]

what i’m reading:

i’m actually quite happy with my book reading this month. i read a friend’s short-ish (27k) story, as well as two full books, and started a third. i wanted my holidays to be a time of catching up with missed reading opportunities, and it definitely was.

first, i read three rooms by jo hamya. i picked this one up because it was recommended by my bookshop, was written by a BAME author, marketed as a ‘millenial’ literary fiction novel which i’m always a sucker for, and the cover looked intriguing. the story is that of an unnamed narrator in her early/mid-twenties, navigating the end of her masters degree and her first job in london. to be honest, as i previously said in another post, i don’t particularly fancy myself as a book critic so i don’t really like to say negative things about the books i read. as an author, i know how hard things can hurt when people are talking about your writing sort-of behind your back and i’m always paranoid that the author might one day see what i’ve written, lol. this being said, what i will say about this book is that while not bad, it wasn’t really a fit for me. the writing is very good, crisp and quick just the way i like it (though if you get irritated by the current trend of not using quotation marks for dialogue, you might get irritated by this), but i just found it hard to relate to the characters. i think you will like this if you like books that are more about their setting and their world rather than plot or character. the author is really good at describing current britain, life in london, the book is brilliant at describing the millennial ‘world’ of social media, politics, etc. but its main character seems to just aimlessly float through her life without any sense of self or purpose, which i personally found very frustrating. the book addresses issues of class, poverty, temp contracts, housing prices, discrimination but it feels very much like a matter-of-fact statement rather than an actual argument to change things. the other characters are mildly more purposeful but very single-purpose and while the novel is interesting but it didn’t really make me feel anything beyond an intense desire to grab the narrator by the shoulders and scream: do something! three stars.

then, i read incendiary by chris cleave. full review here. this book is just unreal and the best fiction i’ve read in close to a year. if i could give ten stars i would.

i’ve now started an american marriage by tayari jones. unless you’ve been living under a rock, this has probably been recommended to you a billion times already, but what can i say, i’m always late lol. i’m only about 100 pages in but seems promising.

in terms of fanfic, i honestly haven’t read much bar this one fantastic spooks au of which i really wish there was more of. i have trolled all of livejournal and dreamwidth to find the rest and came up empty. tragic.

what i’m writing:

funny how the girl on a writing break still managed to put out circ. 9,000 words in a month, lol. granted, pick me choose me love me was written in july, but still.

this being said, i do feel like i took time off and i do feel way better than i did back in july. looking back, i was exhausted and burnt out and felt like i was mostly writing to fulfill people’s expectations, rather than to make me happy. i’m now feeling much more confident with my words. the story that i did write this month was a self-indulgent bit of fun because it was written for a fandom no one cares about, and rather liberating, if i’m honest. i think i needed to write something for me and my audience of three again, and it was great. i genuinely love that story. i do think that if you want to give it a try, it might be one of those that can be read without having watched the show in question because it’s about a side character so a lot of what’s in there is original rather than show-related. if you do want to read it, it’s here: listening to that angel choir.

in terms of upcoming projects, i’m happy to announce that i’m actually excited to get back to castles, which is exactly what i wanted this break to achieve. i’m waiting until i get back to dublin to get back to work but i’m ready to dive back in and honestly can’t wait. as i said above the cut, i would love to put it on the 19th September but i’m not sure that i’ll manage to whip out next chapter this quickly. it’s not unheard of, so we shall see. also, castles is turning a year old on 16 sep, which is absolutely fucking insane. i certainly did not think it would be this massive of a project when i undertook it, lol. the numbers on it both in terms of wordcount and appreciation/hits give me vertigo so i try not to look at them but honestly, i can’t thank you all enough. i know i always say this but i come from very small audiences and fandoms and the amount of love i’ve been getting this past year thanks to all of you has meant the world. thank you.

in terms of one shots, i’ll be mostly focusing on castles this month, so i probably won’t write anything else. this being said, for those of your on tumblr, just be aware that you might see me repost some of the tumblr ficlets that i posted on tumblr these past few months on ao3 soon-ish. i initially decided to keep them on tumblr alone because they were too short but i’ve been having anxiety about tumblr collapsing and these things disappearing into the ether. so, don’t be alarmed, they should be the same, just reposted.

what i’m doing:

honestly, this month has been amazing, especially the past three weeks. i’ve been able to relax, see family & friends, went hiking, had my birthday, hired a boat - it’s been fab. as alluded to before, i’ve also been having fun rewatching spooks, which is definitely a series worth watching, even ten years after it ended. i find it even more fascinating in light of what is going on in afghanistan at the moment, and of course the presence in the show of rupert penry-jones whom i think every straight woman with a pulse fancies, is an added bonus.

anyway, i hope you’re all doing well. see you next month for pumpkin spice lattes (yeah, look, i’m a basic white girl) and the beginning of my seasonal depression.

lots of love,

pebblysand.

[owlmylove]

Hi! So I started watching haruhi bc of a couple of your posts and after two episodes in..... haruhi (the character) is really unlikable. Like kind of cruel unlikable. So I have to ask—does she grow or change at all? Is this just another feature of the show? Am I not getting it? 🥲😅

Hi! Firstly I’m so flattered I could convince you to give it a watch, but secondly: I don’t think you’re “not getting it” at all. I’m assuming you saw the post where I mused on whether or not the show would still be likable for new 2020 viewers? This might be a big part of the answer (so, hey, thanks for helping me answer that question!) but, unfortunately, the short answer is: she does grow, but I can’t guarantee she gets any more conventionally likable

long answer: 

as an early 2000s show, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya depicts some much ruder (and crueler) behaviors than I think would fly in 2020. having last seen the show in the late 2000s as an adolescent, I was surprised by just how many things I’d forgotten about were played for laughs that, these days, no one would laugh at (the fucked up computer club blackmail scene, for instance, could only ever be animated in a pre-MeToo era) 

The show also does this weird 2000′s thing (or maybe modern anime does this too and I just don’t watch it??) where they have a female character engage in uncomfortable, abrupt, and casually sexual behaviors that are rude or predatory on a male character, but were at the time dismissed as a “quirk” in a female character. then, they have a male character admonish her behaviors as a sort of white knight or remain blissfully unbothered by it. ultimately, neither of the two male characters actually do much of anything to limit or check her behavior

Having just rewatched the show, I was struck by how clearly Haruhi’s character wasn’t written by a woman. I felt more sympathy for my interpretation of her, and how any high school girl would feel in her shoes, vs. any of the show’s actual depictions of her. You’re completely right: the show seems to actively try to render their heroine unlikable, and all of this text is meant to better explain those hurtful behaviors, not excuse them

Semi spoiler alert: the entire premise of the show depends upon Haruhi’s friends keeping her happy in order to keep the world safe. This narratively allows for shenanigans to ensue, but it’s not great for concerns regarding coerced consent and for Haruhi to grow as a character. She’s kinda lazily penciled in as having manic depressive mood swings, not obeying social cues, and not having much experience with friendship. All of those traits could be room for some really interesting character development to occur -- and I DO think some of it does! Just, maybe not to the extent you or I are hoping for -- but it feels like most of her character development gets shoehorned into a romantic angle, rather than a self-growth or platonic angle. Both of which are the stories I would actually like to see more of

rewatching the show this last week (for the first time since maybe 2009, god) also revealed to me how much the animators hide when Haruhi cares. or when she’s considerate, or thinking about something other than herself - a lot of her more emotional acts towards Kyon are veiled with yelling, and there’s scenes where it seems like she knows she’s doing something wrong and/or is trying to find a better course of action, but lacks the necessary social skills and the strength to admit when she’s wrong. there’s one REALLY hard to watch scene where she squirms, frowning as she bonks Mikuru on the head with a hollow plastic tube, seemingly uncomfortable with her own actions but, rather than using this a teaching moment or correcting her, it just becomes an excuse for Kyon to get loud and angry

there’s growth, but the narrative can afford to be lazy with her growth and compassion for others thanks to the plot point of, “no one can tell Haruhi not to do something except for the high school boy with a short temper.” honestly, both Haruhi and Kyon strike me as underdeveloped? although they grow to accept themselves and each other more over the course of the show (and especially The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya, which is maybe the one thing worth watching the show for when it comes to character development) neither of them really offer the kind of narrative personal growth I’ve come to expect from newer stories, such as The Good Place

Sorry for the tldr, but maybe a good summary would be: Haruhi at times feels like a two-dimensional wish-fulfillment character, the tsundere equivalent of Megan Fox in the Transformers movies. she’s almost an anime Manic Pixie Dream Girl, with a potentially fascinating character premise that’s kinda lost in lazy writing and “quirky”, cruel behaviors that made her a fresh character at the time of the show’s creation. I think there’s some kindness and self-growth to be seen in her arc, but you have to look hard for it 

I’m sorry the show’s not living up to my posts about it, because I know just how much of them were fueled by my own, giddy joy of nostalgia nostalgia & rediscovering how cool the premise could have been. But the execution definitely has its flaws, and I’d be far from offended if you decided not to keep watching! Honestly, a pretty similar character/club dynamic can be found in 2012′s Hyouka, and it’s a much kinder show besides. I hope you’ll enjoy whichever you watch, and thanks for giving me some much-needed perspective on how TMoHS appears to modern viewers!! 

[imagine-loki]

Soulbonds and Fairy Dust

TITLE: Soulbonds and Fairy Dust (rewrite) CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 22/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine one of the fae has been helping the Avengers, jumping in to help them on missions and vanishing before Shield can bring her in.  Loki joins the team and convinces her to come talk to the team and consider joining before Shield takes more drastic measures. RATING: M NOTES/WARNINGS:  This is a rewrite of the original work of the same name.  Also on AO3 here

“Who, or what, is Underhill, Sig?” Loki asked her, trying to get more information on the threat they were facing.

Sig frowned up at him, she was clearly dazed and unsteady on her feet.  “The whole realm is made of magic and… sentient for lack of a better word,” she explained. “She sometimes takes a human form, but she keeps her power when she does,”

Loki was intrigued by that, but didn’t ask any more question right then.  Sig needed to rest and he knew it.  “Sigyn, you need to rest before we deal with the next doorway. You’re in no condition to close anymore.  That took a lot more power than the last one,”

Sig nodded, still unsteady on her feet.  The warrior boys were talking happily amongst themselves about the easy mission. “Brother, I’m sure there is somewhere in the village that won’t mind feeding our party,” Thor suggested.  Their group was right outside the village and it would give Sig a chance to rest.

Loki nodded. “That might be best. We all need to eat and Sigyn needs some time to recover,”

“Sorry, wasn’t expecting her to catch on so fast,” she told Loki and stood from where she’d been leaning on him.

Loki nodded and gave her a reassuring smile. “Don’t fret darling, come on, let’s get you some food. It might help,”

She nodded and gave him an appreciative smile as she headed back to the horses with the warriors, Sif, and Thor. She mounted again with Loki’s help.  He didn’t trust her to do it safely on her own.  The group headed into the village at a leisurely pace and everyone caught Loki keeping a close eye on Sig in case something happened.  She was droopy and exhausted, but not so much that she couldn’t manage to keep her seat on her horse.  Thor led the way straight to an eating-house that he and the warriors had frequented before.

As soon as they stopped, Loki dismounted and was instantly at Sig’s side to hand her down from the saddle.  He let her lean on him as he led her into the eating house.  She gave him a warm smile and seemed to recover once she was sitting and had food in her.  Loki looked relieved as she enjoyed her leisurely lunch.  The mood was jovial as the morons thought this was an easy mission for the throne.

“How are you feeling, darling?” Loki asked her softly enough that the others wouldn’t hear.  He was still concerned.  She’d been awfully disoriented and more drained than expected after the last doorway.

“As well as can be expected,” she replied, knowing it didn’t really answer the question, but was truthful.  “We can get the second doorway before nightfall,” she told him, changing the subject some.

His eyebrows furrowed in concern and displeasure. “Are she sure that’s wise?”

“It’s wise to get as many of the doorways closed as we can before she tells the fae what we’re up to and they go to lengths to stop us,” she replied, still truthful and still not answering his question.  She was extremely well practiced at this game.  The fae didn’t lie.

“Darling, stop skirting around my questions. This is not healthy for you. Blood magic is extremely dangerous.  Tell me honestly, do you think it is wise for you to close another gate today?”

Sig sighed. “Probably not,” she admitted softly, hating that she was cornered into a direct answer.  “But we can at least get to that town and close the gate first thing in the morning…” she suggested instead.

Loki nodded, looking relieved that she was being reasonable.  “I would prefer that. It will give you a chance to recharge,”

“The longer the fae have to prepare to rally against us, the harder closing the remaining gates is going to be,” she warned him again.  She wanted to make sure he knew that point well.

Loki sighed. “I do not wish for it to be harder for you to close the gates, but I’d rather you be strong enough to close them and not cause serious injury to yourself.  You can die of blood magic, darling.  There are plenty of reasons Mother does not allow it to be taught or practiced on Asgard,”

“I know. We never claimed this was going to be an easy task,” she reminded him softly.  She would be careful, but she had a duty to do too.

“I know. I just hate seeing you so weak. It’s disconcerting,”

“Blood magic is hard,” she reminded him. She knew he knew that already, but he seemed in need of the reminder. 

“I know. Mother warned me of the dangers of its use,”

“And told him never to use it and she’d skin his hide and bind his powers for a decade if she caught him at it,” Thor added unhelpfully, which made Sig giggle at the threat to poor child Loki.

“Thank you for that reminder, brother,” Loki replied with sarcasm and venom in his voice as he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“My point,” Thor went on, ignoring Loki’s sarcasm and venom.  “Is why is she allowing Lady Sigyn to do it when she does not allow you?”

“There is no other way to close the gates. Mother is aware of what she has to do. In order to protect the children, she made an exception.”

“That and only my blood will work, so there’s no chance that I’d be tempted to do the unethical thing and use someone else’s,” Sig added to reassure them all.  They didn’t know her anymore.  She wasn’t the child they remembered, so of course they didn’t know that she could be trusted not to abuse blood magic.  They should have known that, but she didn’t blame them if they wouldn’t believe in her any longer.

Loki nodded in agreement. “Satisfied, brother?”

Thor nodded.  Before the warriors could order more ale, they headed back out to the horses to travel to the town by the next gate. Sig summoned a book to read as she rode.  She was tired of attempting to be social, so she read one of the books Frigga had given her on the soulbonds.  Loki did the same, bored of the ride and curious about the soulbonds too.

They made it to the next town by dinner and Thor let them directly to the inn to see about rooms for the night.  They all dismounted and let the hostlers take the horses. Sig looked over at Loki “Are you going to spend the night as Lady Loki so you don’t have to share a room with the oaf or the morons?” she teased him.  Loki had used that trick before to room with her and Sif on expeditions as children instead of with the boys.

Loki chuckled and shifted forms in a shimmer of magic.  Lady Loki was just as attractive as her male form and Sig appreciated the view.  Loki wanted absolutely nothing to do with the idea of rooming with the boys.

“Sister,” Thor said the simple word as greeting, but more as a display of acceptance of Loki’s change in form. Sif nodded, used to Loki’s antics. They’d shared rooms on missions before like this so she was used to it. The warrior boys knew better than to comment.

Sig wrapped an arm around Loki’s waist, ducking under Loki’s arm, forcing it around her shoulders as they walked into the inn.  It was a comfortable familiarity and Loki was surprised at how natural it felt. Loki smiled brightly at how accepting Sig was of her gender fluidity.

Sigyn had a quick dinner with the group and stood as soon as she’d finished eating to head to bed. She was exhausted and didn’t feel like attempting to socialize when the next day was going to be difficult.  Loki stood with her.  “Would you like some company, darling?”

“I wouldn’t mind, but I’m going to be boring. I really am just going to sleep,” she told Loki, but wrapped her arms back around Loki’s waist.  She didn’t tell her with actual words, but she was pleased that Loki was coming with her.

“That’s fine. I could use some rest myself,” Loki wrapped her arm around Sig’s shoulders, cuddling her to her side contentedly.

The pair walked to their rooms and found that the group had a suite with a common room and two bedrooms.  She and Loki went into one of them and looked at the sleeping arrangements.  That was going to be troublesome. “There’s only two beds and Sif doesn’t share,” she reminded Loki, remembering that Sif in fact did not share her sleeping space. Ever.

Loki pondered that and then asked with a hint of hesitation at being rejected.  “Would you be up to sharing with me? Like old times?” she asked softly.  They had as children, since Sif really didn’t share, ever since she was small.

Sig considered for a moment before she nodded.  “That’s fine,” she replied warmly as she summoned pajamas and climbed into bed.  She picked the bed, and the side of the bed furthest from the door.  She remembered the overprotective nature of Loki.  Loki would insist on being closest to the danger, or perceived danger.  She saw the look in Loki’s eyes that she appreciated Sig considering her feelings.  Loki’s clothes shimmered to sleepwear as well and she climbed into the bed after Sig.

Sig gave her a warm smile and cuddled among the blankets.  “Goodnight Lokes,” she told her warmly and closed her eyes to get some sleep.  “Yes, you can read. It won’t bother me,” she added automatically.  She knew Loki too well.

Loki giggled and summoned a book to do just that, sitting against the pillows propped against the headboard. “Goodnight, Sig,”

She smiled at the nickname and settled quickly into sleep.  She really was exhausted.  Somehow she ended up cuddling Lady Loki while she slept.  She didn’t know how it happened and Loki didn’t complain.  Loki thought it was adorable.  It ended up even more adorable when Loki dozed off too and they were both wrapped in each other’s arms. 

Sif eventually came into the room much later and after way more alcohol.  She was careful not to wake the pair, but she did make a quiet sarcastic comment about how adorable the pair was.   “Lovebirds,” she added with a fond sort of sarcasm as she slipped into her own bed.

[fe-husband-heaven]

Yours and Mine - Líf/Reader

Líf x Reader commission! Thank you @sapphicbarbie for commissioning me and for your patience! ((And for letting me write for a babe like Líf djfjdn))

They requested it for everyone to be able to read so its a general reader!💖💕 Very sweet of them djfjfj

Requested Word Count: 1,000

Final Word Count: 1,895

[895 Free of charge]

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Humming, you couldn't help the pleased smile that rose to your lips as you decorated confections in the castle's kitchen.

Bowls of various mixtures littered the countertop, the sleeves of your gold and white Summoner's robe were pushed up to your elbow in an effort to keep them clean. Sugared treats from chocolates to miniature cakes were lining the walls and overtaking the tables behind you.

It was the Love Abounds Festival, couple's from every corner of the world were gathering to celebrate their affection. And others who were as unfortunate to not have found a partner yet, were buddying up with a couple kegs of beer and bottles of whatever wine they could get their hands on.

Musing over your own situation, you wondered where on the spectrum you lied. Your relationship with Líf was...a strange one to say the least.

You weren't exactly sure what you were, he seemed to be in a limbo between wariness of getting too close and being the most overprotective man in the entire army.

The latter more often than the former, you were starting to think he just couldn't say no to you. You once asked him to go on a walk together and when he had turned away and said "No.", the kicked puppy look that took on your features was enough to have him backtrack. 

It's quite cute and endearing, actually.

Setting down a piping bag, you admired your work, nearly screaming when you realized someone huge was looming over you.

"Líf! You scared me…!!..I didn't realize someone so built could be so quiet…"

Líf stood a little straighter and you laughed quietly at the thought that he might have taken the "built" part to heart.

He stared at you, saying nothing but expectant. By this point, you've come to realize what his looks mean. Right now, he was curious, a silent "What are you doing?" hanging in the air.

You smiled at him, "I'm making treats for our heroes! They work extremely hard..I thought it would be nice to show some gratitude towards them."

His eyes softened a bit, he thought it was very much like you. Turning towards a table behind him, he stared pointedly at a pile of gift wrapped candy, roses, cakes, letters, and the like. The pile was quite large and threatening to spill over the edge of the table.

You followed his gaze, "Oh! Yes! Some of the heroes also wished to do the same, and gave me some thank you gifts as well!" You smiled happily, the army returned your sentiments and it brought you joy to be accepted and appreciated like this.

Líf stepped up to the table and scanned the mountain in front of him. His eyes caught a note attached to a bag of sweets. 

'I love you, Summoner. More than anyone else in the world!'

You watched curiously as Líf tensed, wondering what had put him on edge. 

"Lí-" Interrupted by the sound of the oven giving out a small ding! you clapped your hands excitedly.

"It's done!"

Grabbing a pair of oven mitts and slipping them on, you reached into the oven and pulled out a tray. Atop it sat another pan in the shape of a heart.

You hummed, "My cake...It looks so good, honestly, what can't I do??" 

You couldn't help but gloat, especially whenever your antics would have Líf huffing softly, the closest thing to a laugh from him. But he didn't seem to be paying attention.

Taking off the mittens after placing the tray down, you focused back on him.

"Líf?" He was still stuck on that note from before, frowning at it before he scanned the rest of the jumble for similar ones. He found a few, each troubling him more than the last.

You started frowning as well, before it dawned on you. A smile broke out onto your lips,

"Hmmm..some heroes are a little too interested, huh?" He looked away when you moved to stand next to him.

"It's a real shame I don't return their feelings…" You purposefully let the words drawl out from your lips, for emphasis. His shoulders relaxed a bit and you stifled a laugh. 

Líf was attached to your hip, regardless of what he said or believed. Everywhere you went, he went. You had tossed all his "Keep your distance." mumbo jumbo out the moment he arrived in Askr, you had plenty of experience dealing with it, the Alfonse of this world had tried the same thing.

You'd think he'd have known how it'd work out.

Regardless, it was commonly known around the army by now that you do not separate Líf and the Summoner, nor do you approach Líf if neither Sharena or the Summoner are present. 

It's not that he was a terrible person on his own, he kept to himself, and some heroes had even spotted Líf patting the heads of passing children, but he just appeared to be in a much more agreeable mood when you were by his side.

Prancing back to the baked, undecorated cake you had just prided over, you fanned a hand at it.

"I have to decorate this, but it'll all melt off when it's this hot...gahhhh but I don't want to wait!"

Líf, having lost interest in the mountain of sweets, stood next to you.

"This one is special, it's for one hero only! My favorite one in fact, the one I like more than anyone else."

This seemed to have Líf on high alert, his hand for whatever reason, moved to the hilt of Sökkvabekkr, gripping it tightly.

Putting both shoulders on the counter, you held your face in your hands and sighed dreamily, making a show of your words.

"He's handsome, strong, smart, caring, protective, he'd never let anyone hurt me, and I love having him around. He makes me happy!"

Líf looked down at the cake, he let his hand drop from his sword, looking down at the cake with a saddened expression, he quietly asked,

"...For who..?"

You laughed, you didn't think you could be anymore obvious. 

Tugging his arm gently, you got him to turn to you. Snaking your arms around his waist in a hug, you rested your chin on his chest and smiled up at him.

"I told you." Your eyes gazed up at him adoringly, admiring the surprised expression on his face. 

"It's for the handsomest, strongest, smartest hero. The hero who makes me happy. The hero I want around all the time. My hero."

His eyes took on a shine, and he scanned your face for the smallest of lies, finding nothing but unending affection, a strange feeling welled up around his chest.

Looking back at the cake, he whispered,

"..Mine..?"

Laughing softly, you wondered if you'd have to spell it all out,

"Yours."

Looking back down at you, he felt a sudden urge to protect you again. From what, he had no idea. But he felt compelled to protect you from everything, anything, he felt nothing but the absolute need to have you close.

Tentatively, his arms found their way around you as well. Humming blissfully, you nuzzled a bit into him, wondering what having Líf's cape wrapped around you would feel like. Probably soft.

Líf himself felt another wave of warmth run through him at the innocent action. With you looking like a pleased pup, content with being hugged, and his mind repeating everything you had said to him, he was being overloaded from all sides by your adoration.

He liked it.

The both of you quietly enjoyed the moment, Líf for a brief moment considered once again building that distance, for your sake, but when he thought about how downtrodden you might look, the idea was snuffed out immediately.

Unfortunately, Hinata thought his grand entrance into the kitchen was perfect for this exact moment.

"Hey! It smells good in here!"

From where he'd come in, Líf's cape hid the view of you latching onto Líf so you couldn't exactly blame him. Letting go, you smiled at the samurai and welcomed him.

"Hey! Just baking a little!" 

You tried not to laugh at the look on Líf's face, he really did not appreciate being interrupted, his red eyes almost seemed to be glowing maniacally. 

Hinata, completely oblivious to the burning glare from Líf, patted the swordsman's back.

"Wow, Líf, didn't take ya for a baker!" Hinata looked at the heart shaped cake beside the two of you and whistled, "Looks good though! Bet it's real tasty!"

You watched in slight mortification as Líf unsheathed Sökkvabekkr,

"It belongs to me." He stated, a clear declaration of what would happen to anyone who touched the gift you'd given him.

Hinata however, didn't realize it was the cake he was referring to,

"Ahh wow! Neat blade! The ones in Hoshido are way different than this one! Where'd you get it?"

You smiled at Hinata's good nature, but you figured you should probably save Líf from this situation, he could still use a little more work on social interaction.

"Well Hinata, if you're hungry, I've got plenty of treats up for grabs on that table over there!" You pointed to the table beside the one with all the heroes's gifts, a table for general thank you gifts you made for the army, 

"Take your pick!"

As Hinata went through the sweets with a smile, you giggled softly, and reached out to hold Líf's hand. Squeezing it gently, you shot him a placating look, you knew he just wanted to be alone with you.

Once Hinata had given his thanks and ran off with a couple snacks, you turned back to your cake.

"Time to decorate! It should be cool enough now."

Líf looked at you and back to the cake,

"I..will treasure it.." 

You grinned at him, it was a very sweet sentiment, you grabbed a piping bag full of frosting before you put it back down when you realized what his statement meant.

"Líf, you have to eat it! That's the point of cake!"

Líf frowned at you, 

"But then..it will be gone."

Putting your hands on your hips, you shook your head,

"Letting it go stale is such a pity, though! And it's never really gone if you remember it."

You nodded in agreement with yourself but Líf seemed unconvinced. He frowned down at the cake. He really wanted to keep it, it was his, you made it for him. It would be a shame for it to be used simply for rations. 

He wanted to treasure it, your feelings.

You couldn't help but melt a little though, it was really cute of him, maybe you were a little biased but he was very good at making you swoon.

You offered a compromise,

"It has to be eaten but...", Líf turned to you, and you took the chance to latch yourself to his waist again. 

"Why don't we share it together?"

Your grin grew bigger as his eyes gleamed a bit at "together".

"Okay?" 

Even better than keeping it to himself, would be sharing it with you, something that belonged to just the two of you, only the two of you.

Not Hinata.

His chest felt strange, but it felt light.

It was warm, like you were, he sighed softly at the feeling.

"..Okay."

[douxbebearchives]

Meet the Author: tied.knots

Hi, tied.knots!

Stories can be found here.

Twitter.

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When did you start writing Olitz? 2018, after the show ended.

Tell us about yourself! What do you want readers to know about you? I'm from the Philippines, the capital which is Manila specifically. I feel like there's not that many scandal and olitz shippers from where I'm from and I haven't interacted with a local scandal fan haha. Greys and HTGWM are very much more popular here so I guess there's that. I'm basically your regular Millenial girl - balancing work, bills, finances, shopping, the pros and cons of single life hahaha. That's it. I live a boring life!

What drew you to Olivia and Fitz? Firstly, a lot is really credited to Kerry and Tony's chemistry. They seriously have the most potent chemistry that I have ever seen when it comes to tv couples and it's very hard to forget combined with their great acting. I feel like they were really born to play Olivia and Fitz. Next would be the very raw, deeply flawed, and realistic portrayal of their epic love story but dysfunctional relationship. Olitz is a very controversial couple. I would even argue that it is Shonda's most controversial couple in Shondaland. When you go outside of the fandom, they are deeply hated to this day and people have a lot of energy (and apparently are willing to spend their time) to criticize them. But all that hatred and negativity towards them shows how very spot on their story was. There's a lot that could have been improved on but the issues that stemmed out of their relationship and their flaws I think resonated with many people which is why a lot hated them. For a ship to get so much hate even years after show ended, it goes to show that a lot really payed attention to them and were moved by their story. ps. you don't get that much attention with olake haha. that pairing appears to be only relevant when it involves fitz/olitz.  

What made you want to write about them? I was really hoping that someone would write a long-form post-canon fic about them. I really thought their ending would spark a slew of fanfic! So with its absence and after back-and-forth consultation with my writer friend, Nina, I decided to just go on and write (my very first attempt ever!) what I would want to read. Canon olitz doesn't have a good rep understandably but there's really a lot of room to unpack in it and at the same time get a deeper insight on why Liv and Fitz acted that way during the show. There's still a lot of story to tell because as cheesy as this sounds Liv and Fitz storyline as seen in scandal will never be over.  

How would you describe your writing? Angsty, problematic, realistic, raw, hopeful even when it feels not (I hope I do convey these!)

What inspires you to write / create? Olivia and Fitz characterization and their relationship in the show.

Favorite movies, shows, music?

Films - In the mood for love, Fight Club, Parasite, Clueless, Bridget Jones Diary lol. Any films really by Wong Kar Wai, Davin Fincher, and Nancy Meyer 

Shows - Sex and the City, The OC, Succession, Skins UK 1st and 2nd Gen 

Music - Too many but mainly The Strokes, Daft Punk, The XX, Phoenix, Britney, Kylie Minoque, etc.

How long does it take you to write a chapter? It really varies! The shortest was like 2 weeks-ish and the longest was like 8 or 9 months. Aside from how my life is going, it really highly depends on my mood towards the subject-Olivia and Fitz. Admittedly I'm an on-and-off shipper, sometimes I enjoy them or get in my feels and then there are times that I highly dislike and regret shipping them to the point that I wish they never got back together or argue that Fitz should have been written off the show. Writing for me is very mood based.

Did the show's themes and plots encourage you or discourage you from writing? Encourage.

Writing AU or Canon? Canon.

Reading AU or Canon: Canon.

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A favorite line, scene, or paragraph you’ve written.

"Fitz back then always thought that once he has fulfilled his father’s predetermined life for him at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave that he’ll be back home to this cozy beach town. That was of course before that one fateful day on February in New Hampshire when a tornado stormed into his life that was ornamented by the California sun." (Chapter 3) 

To me, it sounds nice when you read it haha Their fight scene in chapter 10. Even before finishing chapter 1, I knew that I was going to write a big fight scene and one that is similar to 509. It's a very very important scene to me.

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Fave Olitz moments? The 'I hate you. I hate you too' phone call, 'I would cross that line again', those small moments when you could see how deeply and conflicted in love Olivia was (eg. watching him and Mellie dance during the first inauguration ball) - Liv is known to be not "accepting" of their love and whether she love him or not was always questioned, but a lot her actions and expressions when you look back showed how deeply she fell in love with him.

Fave Olitz fanfic moments? I forgot the title and the author but there was this one shot back then about Olivia who decided to end her engagement to Jake because she had unresolved feelings for Fitz. This fic took place a year I think after Fitz presidency. So she went all the way to Vermont regardless if it's years since her and Fitz last encounter and how bad their relationship ended - they fought about him going to war for her I think. So yeah she went all the way to Vermont not knowing what to expect and the writer did a good job of piecing them back together.

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Do you like it when readers engage with you via comments / social media? Yes.

Story Reviews: Love them, hate them? BOTH! The reviews reminds of me of the live tweets when the show was on and the energy back then so I like that aspect. I appreciate readers that are grateful to authors and those that show how curious they are with the stories. I hate the intentional and consistent badmouthing to the point of bullying and creating competition among authors which made some quit or removed their stories. The nonstop attacks by some these "guest" reviewers really says a lot about their character. My friend Nina would always say that the writers don't owe themselves to anyone and that is highly true. We do it because we want to write and we make time for it without expecting anything in return really. Don't like it, then don't read it. Read and review the story you want to read then.

What advice would you give to a new Olitz writer? Just write! Don't care if you don't have experience at all or if you're too conscious about how not perfect your grammar is. The olitz fanfic community I think has a consistently growing audience so there will always be readers. Also most importantly, write the story that you want to tell. It is your work and only you will know how to go about it. Don't focus too much on the reviews/criticisms and don't let it solely dictate you on how to write your story.

Outside of your fics, do you have any fave Olitz stories or authors? PurplePineapple, torri.oats, Only You by anonolitz, that one shot I mentioned above.

Do you talk to other Olitz authors? If so, do you like the camaraderie? I've only interacted with like 2 I think hahaha. It's a very supporting and encouraging group! I think we're just excited to read each other's stories which is a nice feeling.

Have you made friends (people you talk to outside of fanfic) because of Olitz / Scandal fanfic? Yes and we've been friends for almost three years! She knows so much of my life honestly compared to my irl friends.

Before you go, anything else you'd like to share? Thank you for always supporting and encouraging olitz authors! You guys have a really good and organized system which is very helpful :)) 

ps. Beyond Whiskey is an olitz fanfic :))

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Thank you, tied.knots, for allowing us to feature you!  

[shiedagabe]

The Journey

Credit: The MAN (Pinterest.com)

You have invited Artie out for a walk, because today was the autumn equinox. You wanted to admire, atleast for one last time, the beauties of your hometown, before the unforgiving winter makes it practically impossible to go outside. He gladly accepted it, of course, and because he had forgotten to turn his cellphone off you could hear him jumping around in his room, excited to once again be with you. You decided that the place you should meet up is the park. It is beautiful in all the seasons of the year, but you wanted to admire its gorgeousness once again. When he arrived, with such composture you'd think he would go to some important meeting or prom, you proceeded to give him a big hug. It was cold outside, so this simple gesture gave you the warmth you needed to stroll around the incredible park. Not only did it fill you with that much needed warmth on the outside, it also filled your heart with overwhelming joy, you were finally united, for what seemed like an eternity. It seems as if the passage of time is affected by the distance you are from each other, the farther you are, the slower it gets. You begin by slowly taking a walk around the park, through its predetermined paths, who were carefully built as to ensure that the viewers would be able to apreciate as much of it as possible. You were able to see each individual leaf fall, each of them having a unique shade of red, orange or yellow. Each leaf brought a memory of your times together, and you thought to yourself how far you had come in your relationship. Arthur was, and probably still is a very shy individual, always afraid to take the first step, not having any experience with any romantic relationships in the past, due to his anti-social nature. This condition of his also led him to being bullied quite often, something you very much wished to ignore. 《How could such a pure and innocent soul be subjected to these horrors?》 - you thought - 《He has never hurt anyone or ever intended to, he is beautiful, either it be his eyes which encapsulated the ocean's greatness or his mouth, soft and tendered, who brough a smile to whoever looked at him.》 And, amidst your thoughts, he proceeded to gently, but awkwardly wrap his arm around your neck. This bursted your little bubble momentarily, as you realized that it didn't matter what had happened before, that's all in the past. What matters is what a person is right now, what they believe in. It's only a person's evolution that counts, and of all the people you knew he was the one that had evolved the most. He became more confident, resilient, started to have a higher self-esteem, which led him into developing many other now admired qualities. You loved him since the day you had known him, but now you could say he is more irresistible than ever. You looked at him, into his eyes, that extended for miles without showing any signs of stopping. They seemed real, but at the same time they had an ethereal look to them, as if you could observe the universe in its entirety through the lense of a man so small compared to it. His eyes softened up and he also cracked a smile, silently ensuring you that he was having a time as great as yours. You were honestly getting tired of walking around, despite never being able to grow bored of the immense forest, so you scheemed up an amazing plan. While closing his eyes, you drove Artie to the nearest beach, stopping your car atop a cliffside. 《Am I really that cliché?》- you thought to yourself, but what mattered was not the act itself, it was the intention. You wanted to spend some alone time with Arthur while watching the sun set, its colours reminding you of the unforgettable autumn leaves, with the addition of a tiny shade of pink. Perhaps the sun was happy the moon was rising soon. You laid your head on his shoulder, admiring the preciousness of the moment, one that seemed so unique, despite having seen it more than a thousand times. Perhaps it was the fact you now had such a faithful and loving companion by your side, someone who eradiated such a calm and soothing aura that caused you to lose the notion of time. When you finally got a hold of yourself, you noticed that Artie was calling you, with his smooth and raggedy voice of his. - Sweetie. Sweetie. Wake up. - he told you while gently caressing your hair. You slowly opened your eyes, realizing that you were already in the dead of night. - Why didn't you wake me up any sooner? - you asked him mid-yawn. - W-well, you were sleeping so profoundly that I didn't muster the courage to wake you up. While he was saying this, and during the rest of the trip home, you noticed that Arthur was slowly rubbing his arms, as if he had been there for hours on end, hearing only your soft breathing, seeing nothing but the slowly changing pallete that is the vast sky and, of course, the love of his life, wether he wanted to admit it or not. The ride home was very simple, you turned on the radio to listen to some jams and you both were dancing and singing as if no one else was hearing you. I mean, in fact, no one was. But you could tell that he wasn't really feeling up to it, his moves were relatively sluggish and every once in a while he would try to hide a yawn. You realized that he was only trying to keep the mood up, so you turned the radio off entirely and let him enjoy the soothing air of lady Luna. You arrived at his home and you saw that it was in a decrepit state, more than it was before. Maybe it was because you hadn't visited him in a long time, or maybe it was because you were wide awake, what mattered is that you definitely couldn't leave him like this. As he was getting out of the car, you immediatly shouted his name: - Artie, sweetie, please get back in the car, let me take you some place better. He already knew what you meant, luckily. He immediatly got back in the car feeling a new hype, as if he had been rejuvenated. You drove back to your place, which seemed a lot nicer than his in comparison, but it was what money could buy. You slowly creaked the door open, and admired the immense silence coming from within its vacinity. You usually hear your rude neighbours fight all of the time, but maybe it was already too late for them to continue their petty squabblings, and so you decided to sit down on the couch and watch some TV. Honestly, at this point, anything would do, since you had the perfect setup. You had your head on his lap and he was slowly caressing your hair once again. It was not too long until you fell asleep once more and, following the steps of his beloved, he too fell into a slumber. A perfect union after a perfect day.

[madfantasy]

Dear Blogging

Hello my dears, how have you been?

I'm doing alright. The repairs are finished and I got to sleep on my bed again, retuning to the same— ya know; staying up till dawn to draw. All that work maybe worth it someday but for now I'm not having enough food in my system because of it, even tho I'm used to eating as little as possible— the light-headedness dries up my productivity and brain powers..

▪️Maybe it was a cause that I haven't been all hot pursuing my artistic thrive. Usually looking into the undiscovered section of dA for inspiration helps but now idk where they put it now that they update everythin, but I can't handle it. I came across this tag on twitter that was, I suppose the idea was to find the lesser known artists and whatnot. It's a lovely gesture, but we all know how social media tends to work— in highlighting the big boys. I began to see a pattern over and over, what caught the biggest numbers were realistic, cute, themed, anime and cartoony styles. I know I shouldn't do so, but I compared mine to them and it felt my style is non of anything, just so bizarre it can't fit even tho it's still just.. idk.. art? And I considered maybe because it's unusual, while still not bearing any gigantic differentiations, it's not in the comfort zone. So, I assume that's why it's not likely to get rebloged.. as far as the normal chances of rebloging goes on this site. And putting up the banner to encourage it and promote myself seemed— I can't even say if its helping me.

But I've found my muse again, with the help of my precious friends, bless your hearts with all of their desires, you guys are all the goodness causers to me throughout these times, honestly

I got re-energized, began watching 3D pen artists and some of old electronics restorations magic that makes me marvel at the beauty of the sophisticated mind and the delivering hands of creation:

https://youtu.be/6DTqZHvLVxg

(Loved this one specially cuz I always opened up my controllers as a kid— to clean them heh)

https://youtu.be/WEqENsot7Nc

(I adore his sense of humour)

▪️I've also found the most realistic pencil brush ever that made me burst with spastic sketching energy, I love it so much it felt I returned to my pencil loving origins!

Here it is if you like to indulge:

https://assets.clip-studio.com/en-us/detail?id=1740419

( my mood :https://youtu.be/FEWi3l1ghD4 hold my hand! 🔥cuz i cant dace anyway lo)

I've also watched a forgotten adoration of my siblings and I. Doodled those penguins as if I suddenly knew how to draw bird, hehe. (Thank u for who noted that to me, you gratify me to the moon )

▪️My baby sib even made plushy with the help of my other siblings (she likes Private~):

I remembered how we always said they are cute version of us, joked how their shiny adorable backs are exactly how wearing abayas would look and whatever.

I'm excited to start on doing more art. And regained my desire of having an iPad pro, all of its qualities capture me and I'd love to feel it advancement. My current tablet is getting a bit skin curling-ly uncomfortable— scratchy.

▪️They opened up Amazon here and I thought to check it— as usual in ks a the prices are through the roof, let's say the same device originally cost around 999$ (without the pencil) on usa Amazon which is roughly 3746 R. Here it is locally, idk if the sale applied to it or not but I wish to have it before it ends because if it cost 10k without it, I'd rather buy a junk car. (Well not really, but the thought is appealing, heh)

But seriously, I don't know how it's possible, specially that everything I earn get majorly spent on bills when I choose to withdraw it from PayPal.. (actually just gave my savings for the next month to them today) and no, my plan to get my own bank account failed because even the employer whom suppose to know what's wrong with my registration files couldn't help me, after all these weeks of waiting..

But I'm still hopeful

Oh and the festival coming soon. Is on the 31th, I think.. I wonder if people would be allowed to gift meat. Anyway~

🌟I hope the coming days be kind to you my dears. Wish you all the best, may you be blessed in each step you take, and be kept away from harm.

And good luck in your pursues.. finals.. to be heard.. to be accepted.. to be normalised.. daily chores and struggles.. you are worthy, precious and strong and I hold hope and faith in you all 💛🙏

Stay safe

23.7.2020

[kthstrawberryshortcake]

That Should Be Me - kth drabble

Pairing: Taehyung x Female!Reader, Jin x Female!Reader

Word Count: 3.5k+ Genre: Mostly angst, some fluff Topics: College!AU, Unrequited love Warning: Kinda sad but not TOO sad

No one ever sets out to end up in these sorts of situations, but lo and behold, they do. Are they unbelievably unlucky? Did they commit some unforgivable sin in a past life? Are they just lackluster people? Whatever the explanation, you too found yourself head over heels in love with someone who didn’t love you back. You had been friends since the start of freshman year when a friendly, cheerful boy in one of your classes introduced himself. Ever since then Taehyung had been a huge part of your life. He could make you smile even on what felt like the worst days, and he was one of the most caring people you had ever met. You didn’t realize you were falling until it was much, much too late. No one knew except for your two other closest friends, Jimin and Sara. 

The three of you had been roommates since sophomore year when you decided to live together, despite others’ comments that a guy living with two girls was a bit of a weird situation. It had never felt weird. No, living with them had felt like home right away. You picked each other up when you were down, understood each other better than anyone else, and spent most of your time together, often with some of your other friends as well. Now, in the fall of your senior year, you were much busier than before, but you still made sure to spend time together. Your roommates knew how strongly you felt towards Taehyung and carefully guarded your secret, though Jimin occasionally tried to push you to do something about it. You knew you wouldn’t, though. You were very quiet and shy, as well as a homebody, and confessing was so far outside your comfort zone it was almost comical. So you did nothing, just holding in your feelings, praying they would go away eventually.

Sitting in the floor of Taehyung's dorm room, studying for a class you had in common, it certainly didn’t feel as if you were going to fall out of love any time soon. Sure, it was hard to hang out with him like this when you felt how you did, but you’d rather keep him as a friend than lose him altogether, so you dealt with it. After hours of studying (with several spurts of getting distracted by each other’s silliness and falling into laughing fits), you went to take a break. “Be right back, I’m going to use your bathroom, okay?” You said as you stood, giving him a small smile. He nodded absentmindedly, looking over some of his notes. 

After you’d gone, however, your phone buzzed with new text messages. You’d left it sitting there, he realized, and against his better judgment, he peeked at the screen. It was a text from Sara. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. This whole unrequited love BS isn’t for the faint of heart, is it?”, it read, followed by another immediately after. “Btw Jimin’s out right now, you and I can have a movie night when you’re done studying.” Taehyung blinked, carefully sitting the phone back in its place as he processed what he’d read.  You were in love with someone who didn’t feel the same, and Jimin was out? Was it on a date? Wait, you were in love with Jimin! That must be it. He jumped headfirst into the conclusion. He felt bad knowing that his friend was hurting and he hadn’t even noticed. He should really try to be there for you, he thought to himself. 

You returned to the room after that and he gave you a huge grin, which you found a little random. You gave him a questioning look as you sat back down. “You know you’re one of my favorite people, right? I’m just really happy you’re in my life, you’re pretty awesome, you know that?” He said sincerely, and you felt that right in your heart, honestly shocked by his unusual candor. “Thanks, Tae. I’m happy you’re in my life, too.” You replied quietly, smiling despite your confusion, shaking your head before returning to the textbook in front of you. Just for that moment you thought he might not be as far out of reach as you’d always believed.

A couple of weeks later you found yourself totally out of your element at a party your friends had dragged you to. You weren’t much of a party person, in fact you usually avoided them. But you knew Taehyung would be there, plus Sara and Jimin had pestered you into coming with them. You were feeling pretty optimistic as the night began. You looked really nice, if you did say so yourself, and were just the slightest bit hopeful that your feelings weren’t as one sided as you’d believed for so long. You navigated your way through the noisy, crowded house along with Jimin and Sara, who, after all this time, were a newly minted couple, complete with heart eyes for each other and holding hands. You were thrilled, honestly. It had been a long time coming and you were glad they were finally together. 

You scanned the room, hoping to see Taehyung, but as soon as you did, you wished you hadn’t. He was across the room looking as gorgeous as ever, but clinging to his arm was a girl who honestly looked like she could be a model. She was stunning, nearly as tall as he was, slender and with legs for days. You couldn’t help but stare in shock. She was clearly a very outgoing, social person, looking like she was talking constantly and saying hello to almost everyone who passed by, seemingly the social butterfly. And Tae looked happy. You didn’t think you had ever seen him look that happy when he was with you. The fragile hope you’d been carrying was instantly crushed, and it felt as if your heart had been run over by a truck. 

Feeling yourself getting emotional, you quickly fled out the back door. The house was on the edge of a lake and you kept going until you reached the dock before allowing yourself to collapse to your knees, the tears pouring from your eyes against your will. Who had you been kidding? That was the kind of girl he wanted, the kind of girl he deserved. A “hot” girl, a “fun” girl. Not an admittedly cute but short, bookish, shy person who hated large social gatherings. Basically, not you. 

You weren’t sure how long you sat there sobbing, trying to get a hold of your breathing and calm down but failing miserably, before you heard footsteps coming down the hill. You sniffled, hoping it was Sara or Jimin and not someone else. But you were unlucky. 

Taehyung sat down next to you, deep concern etched into his features. “Y/n? What’s wrong?” He asked so sincerely you almost wanted to laugh. When you just shook your head, the tears still coming, he wrapped you in a hug and held you close. “Hey, it’s okay… You’re okay… Tell me what happened.” He said quietly, trying to soothe you. By some miracle you pulled yourself together, calming down even though the tears were still running down your cheeks. You felt like you were going to be sick, pulling away from his hug. “I’m so stupid. I managed to fall in love with someone who’s never going to love me back, and even more foolishly, I thought maybe I had a chance…. Until tonight.” You admitted in a small voice, not making eye contact. 

Taehyung observed you carefully. “He came to the party?” He asked, and you shut your eyes tightly, nodding. “But with somebody else, and it just became so clear it’s never going to happen, and I was dumb to think that it could.” You said in a near-whisper. Taehyung thought over your words. Jimin had showed up with Sara, so clearly in love, and that must be what you were referring to. He really felt for you. He couldn’t imagine how you felt at the moment. “You’re not dumb. There is every reason for someone to love you, you’re wonderful. You’re so kind and so caring, you’re smart, you’re funny… You’re more than good enough for any guy. You’re probably too good for him.” Tae said, and you wanted to just melt into a puddle on the ground and disappear. He had no idea, you thought. 

You sighed deeply, wiping your eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to go home. You go enjoy the rest of your night, don’t let me bring down your mood.” You said, forcing a small smile at him. He furrowed his brow in concern. “Do you want me to take you home? Is it a good idea for you to be alone right now?” He asked, trying to be a good friend. You shook your head. “No, no. You should get back to…. oh, I don’t know her name… The girl you came with. Go have fun, don’t worry about me. I’ll go home and go to bed.” Taehyung nodded slowly, accepting your instructions. “Yeah, that’s my girlfriend Kira. You should meet her sometime when you feel better. Get home safe, okay?” He said, patting you on the shoulder before rising to his feet and returning to the party. 

You didn’t want to ruin Jimin and Sara’s first outing as a couple, so you just sent a vague text that you were tired before returning home, burrowing under the covers of your bed as the tears came without stopping. You didn’t sleep much that night. 

Over the next week or so you were even less social than usual, noticeably changed. Your two roommates, now knowing what’d happened, had been taking good care of you and trying to cheer you up a bit. But your other friends and classmates didn’t fail to catch your lack of smiles, how you were even quieter than usual, or how distant you seemed. You couldn’t avoid the class you had with Taehyung, so you just tried to stay extremely focused, ignoring his attempts to start conversation or inquiries about whether you were okay. He definitely noticed how unusual your behavior was, and he sent you texts a couple times a day trying to be supportive or make you feel better. Little did he know that he was only making matters worse. Meanwhile, every time your friends met up for lunch or for game night or anything of that nature, he brought Kira along with him, clearly extremely into her. You weren’t surprised. She had everything you lacked. So over time you stopped going to those gatherings, too. 

Weeks passed and Taehyung was still in his “not leaving you alone in a misguided attempt to be a good friend” routine, refusing to leave you alone no matter how much you pushed him away. He finally showed up at your door one Saturday, smiling and carrying a bag of snacks. “We’re having a movie day, I won’t take no for an answer. You’ve always been there for me when I was down, so I’m going to do the same thing for you. I’m worried about you, you’re so not yourself. So let me cheer you up!” He insisted. The two of you sat down on the couch in the living room, with you trying to breathe deeply as you covered your face, frustrated beyond belief. He babbled on cheerily about how you were a total catch and you shouldn’t be so down on yourself, that everything was going to be totally fine and that he couldn’t let you just retreat into yourself without trying to help. 

Suddenly the pent up feelings bubbled over. “STOP.” You yelled, not looking at him. He was shocked. You were always so soft-spoken, not once had he heard you raise your voice like that. When you finally looked at him, the pain in your eyes was clearly visible to him. “It’s you. I’m in love with YOU. Honestly, I have been for years. I know you have good intentions, but what you’re doing here isn’t helping. I’m trying to get over you but you just won’t let me.” Tears welled up in your eyes, your voice sounding strained. Taehyung was, in short, astounded. Never in a million years would he have anticipated this. “I…. I’m sorry. You’re right, I just don’t feel that way about you. You’re my friend, I don’t…. I’ve never seen you like that.” He said like word vomit. 

You laughed harshly to yourself as a couple tears escaped. “Yeah, because there’s every reason to love me, wasn’t that your phrasing? I’m more than good enough for anybody, you said…. Well, anybody except you, I guess. It’s cruel, really, to hear you say those things knowing the truth of how you feel. You mean well, Tae, and I’m furious that I can’t blame you for this. I can’t blame you for how much this hurts. But you have to stop now. Leave me alone. Stop talking to me, stop sending me motivational texts, don’t even smile at me. Just leave me be, please.” You implored. “Go away so I can learn to let you go.” You said in a whisper, more tears leaking from your eyes. Not sure what else to do and still in shock, Taehyung nodded dumbly, getting up to leave. He paused in the doorway for just a moment, muttering a quiet “I’m sorry” before leaving. And when he was gone you finally broke down again.

He did as you asked, completely cutting off contact and leaving you alone. You did your best to avoid him. He was surprised at how much it hurt every time you avoided eye contact with him or turned to walk in a different direction upon spotting him. He figured it was just the loss of a close friend being painful, so otherwise he continued on as usual. Taehyung spent most of his time with Kira. He found himself bored in most conversations with her, and he found her loud, chatty nature kind of annoying. But everyone said they made the perfect couple, so he must just be feeling this way because of guilt, right? He convinced himself of that, pushing away any thoughts that his relationship wasn’t right. 

Months passed. For a while nobody really saw you aside from Jimin and Sara. If you were shy before, you were antisocial now. If you were a homebody, you were now a recluse. You had all but disappeared from your greater social circle, knowing it was the only way to avoid Taehyung. You focused on your schoolwork. You were visibly sad leading up to winter break, and you knew everyone else was noticing how unlike your usual self you’d been. You were grateful for the reprieve of the break, a chance to live your life for a while without the threat of running into Tae. The time away did you good and you felt like things were finally looking up. 

The glimmer of hope was amplified tenfold when over the break, you met a guy in a bookshop with a radiant smile and a squeaky laugh. Seokjin, as you learned was his name, was a master’s student at your university. You’d struck  up a conversation as he was perusing the cookbooks in the shop you’d met in. He was one of those genuinely nice people who brightened your day without trying. He made you laugh with cheesy jokes and fascinated you with stories of his cooking adventures. 

Before you knew it you were spending most of your time together. You started to feel happy again and for the first time in longer than you could remember, you felt something in your heart other than pain. With him you didn’t feel like you needed to be a “hot girl” or “fun girl”. You didn’t feel like you were missing anything. He thought you were small and cute and loved nothing more than quiet nights in with you, cooking together or watching dramas. You no longer thought about how you wished your legs were longer, or how you wished you were more social, or how you didn’t think you were pretty like other girls. Like the perfect fit of two puzzle pieces, you felt like enough. By the time break was ending you were officially dating. Not that Seokjin wasn’t absolutely lovely, but it wasn’t just him that changed how you saw yourself. The time away from an environment where you saw nothing but flaws had done you good, and as much as he had helped heal you, you’d healed yourself. 

At the start of the new semester, Taehyung caught himself keeping an eye out for you, hoping to see you even from afar. He missed you terribly, if he was honest. To his delight, you had a class in common again. He felt a warmth in his chest when he finally saw you again, settling into a seat in the lecture hall. The light had returned to your eyes. You were smiling again. The relief he felt was immense, having felt awful for hurting you in the first place. 

Without realizing it, he watched you, eventually noticing your focus on the new TA and the looks you were exchanging. It gave him an odd almost nauseous feeling. When the class finally ended, he stopped to read a text before he packed up his things to leave. That’s when he heard you laugh. It occurred to him what a beautiful sound it was and how much he had missed hearing it. Then he looked up. You were standing with the new TA, arms wrapped around each other as you whispered, laughing at something. Taehyung couldn’t remember the last time he saw you smile like that. The TA planted a quick kiss on your forehead before taking your hand, and the two of you walked out of the lecture hall together. Though he couldn’t wrap his head around why, Taehyung felt like he’d been slapped. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, including when he got dinner with Kira that night. “Baaaaaabe! You’re not listening to me!” She whined, pouting. It was true, he had totally zoned out. He was too busy trying to make sense of the overwhelming feelings he was experiencing. It was late that same night that he finally realized what was going on. The realization hit him with both excitement and a sense of horror: he had feelings for you. The horrifying part was how much he’d hurt you, only to discover his feelings after all this time. But you had really loved him, right? The strength and sincerity of your feelings for him had been so apparent. Surely it wasn’t too late.

That’s how he found himself rushing across campus past midnight, hurrying to your apartment, feeling like he was about to burst with all the emotion running through him. He knocked loudly on the door, breathless from the anticipation and his rush to get to you. You were beyond surprised to see him when you opened the door, standing there with messy hair and a blanket wrapped around yourself. You frowned, entirely perplexed at his sudden appearance. “Tae? What are you doing here?” You asked in complete confusion. Taehyung had a big, dumb grin painted on his face. “Y/n, I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, I have feelings for you too! I - I think I love you too.” 

You could hear the excitement in his voice. Your confused face morphed into an annoyed frown. “You smug bastard. After all this time now that I’m finally happy you want to bust back in here and drop a confession?! Are you joking?!” Your voice was growing shrill with anger. The blanket you were wrapped in dropped to the floor, forgotten as you angrily gestured at him. “I honestly can’t believe you’re actually this selfish. You don’t get to treat me like I’m disposable, like some toy you can pick up or toss away whenever you get bored.” This was the second time ever he’d heard your voice raised in a near-yell. 

He heard footsteps as he stared at you, finally taking in your appearance. You were dressed in a men’s tee shirt that was much too big for you and a pair of shorts. It was impossible to miss the dark marks on your neck. A taller figure approached from behind you, placing a hand on your shoulder. It was the TA, also messy-haired in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. You turned to look at him and your angry face transformed instantly into a soft, affectionate smile. “Everything okay?” He asked you, and you nodded. “Everything’s fine, Jinnie. Taehyung was just leaving.” You turned back to Taehyung and in an instant your gaze was like ice. 

The pain in his chest and the hollowness he felt was suffocating. Was this how you’d felt for so long whenever you were with him? Tears were welling up in his eyes, but he just nodded and turned away, leaving as you shut the door. He’d been a fool, and he was far too late, he realized, thinking he may have made the biggest mistake of his life. The smiles that had been reserved for him alone for years now belonged to someone else. And though he knew it was selfish, he couldn’t help but be bitter that you had moved on. 

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Okay that one hurt a little bit, huh? A tad angstier than what I normally write. Still, I hope you enjoyed it! I love feedback so please do leave some. <3

[comradelionheart]

This is where I feel safest.

In the blueness of this site, held in comfort as if under my blanket of soft fur.

No one here will ever know who I am or the people I speak of. No one can find me here. I have a questionable habit of running off to avoid being witnessed when I fail or am in pain, and this is where I run to. It is luckily not a boy this time. Well, it’s sort of that too, but not predominantly.

I haven’t shut G out this time. When I thought I’d lost my shot at the job I deleted my WhatsApp and all other social media, and refused to surface until I was willing to face people again. This isn’t unlike when I graduated college uncertain of what to do with life next and just... vanished. I’d a pretty promising presence on Facebook that could potentially have introduced him and I sooner, but I guess life unravels at its own pace and nothing can force it to go sooner or slower. I’ve grown rather accepting of failures because I have unfortunately grown accustomed to them. It’s almost like I expect to meet with resistance or failure each time something nearly works out and in this case I can’t say I willed it upon myself. I literally tested positive for TB. Which is amusing since those are my ex’s initials, and is yet another TB which seems to be hampering my progress. 

Dry humour is what I’m best at if I’m being my authentic self. I must unfortunately smile and wave because I’m a woman and need to be likeable to get anywhere in my line of work. That isn’t to say I’m a sociopath or hate people. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in their lives and feign amusement at their not so novel ideas. Pretty sure I’ve not so novel ideas too, but I don’t need to be indulged for the sake of my (not) fragile ego. Anyhow.

I applied for this job early in the year and didn't expect to hear from them (because the first few years of my work life had me flailing and coping with depression instead of steering my career, and I know I shouldn’t grudge her for this but I do). But I did hear from them. And everything went through. Including 3 rounds of aptitude tests and a personal interview (which I thought I bombed but didn't somehow). Until I tested positive on a skin patch test for TB. Why do these stupid standard sets of tests get prescribed world over? Honestly, if I’m ever supreme leader of anywhere I will ban standardised tests. Not in the way that I say medicine is a sham, not at all, but in the way that WE LIVE IN THE THIRD WORLD AND WILL OF COURSE HAVE TAKEN THE BCG OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE BACTERIA AT SOME POINT BUT IT’S NOT NECESSARILY EVER GOING TO BE ACTIVE SO USE A BETTER AND MORE CONTEXT SPECIFIC TEST INSTEAD OF GIVING ME ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES LIKE THESE, JFC. 😭😭😭

But I’ve taken the other test and that’s also got the drawback of being unable to differentiate between inert and active TB. So I took an HRCT scan. I’m so sick of running around hospitals, there’s a literal virus in the air. But Monday is when I’ll know the medical verdict. And then there’s the whole security check process. I hate when this happens but I’ve lost so much time to grief, I simply cannot sit around moping any longer. 

Earlier this year I interviewed with the **. I was given a verbal confirmation and had a text message implying an offer was made to me, because I received an acknowledgement to my acceptance of an offer. If I was the person I was in 2014, I’d have kicked up a fuss and made sure that offer was honoured, but 2021 me knows that working with bosses who go back on their word slyly and cave to nepotism usually need their cocks sucked. And I’m not only incapable of that, but have also dealt with enough workplace harassment elsewhere to be adamant about a brand at the risk of my mental health. But really, he can go suck it because I have confirmation from staff that he is EVERYTHING I read him to be. I’m not intuitive or anything, I just read people very well because I was hurt so bad by them (repeatedly since childhood) that reading people became a thing I did for survival. My sharp instincts serve me well, but are a trauma response. I am very self aware too, yes.

I then interviewed and got through an NGO that was willing to pay me 24L. I turned it down because the founders were running around like headless chicken with their inability to distinguish PR from Marketing Comms (me) from Marketing for business development. I know I was being paid a lot of money, but I will not kill myself performing all three functions while being acknowledged for just the one on my offer letter. I’ve learned to value my labour capacity and assert myself in the economic and political spheres. 

Personally though? I sometimes still think I’m a romantic pushover.

But this is about work because I need to weep a little before being calm about how this year has treated me. Especially since I’m maintaining a cool demeanour in public and literally hate sharing things I’m burdened with. Idk man, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’ll get a knife twisted in the spot that's most sore. I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I HAVE LET G WITNESS ME IN PAIN THIS TIME INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY and will someday file copyright over An Enduring Romantic because that’s very honestly me. But ofc it isn’t going to be the legal Copyright, just the sham notice like the one I’d sent him to up his Instagram game. Or he could just operate my Twitter and I’ll run his gram. It’ll even feel natural.

Sometime around May an environmental journal asked me to come on board. Work from the office at the height of the pandemic with no travel compensation and very little money. I turned them down. Then came II**. Which I again turned down because they wouldn’t pay market rate for skills I’ve perfected in 4 years just because they wanted 8 years experience on paper for my quotation. I will do a lot for causes I love, but I also really enjoy being paid fairly and acknowledged for the value I bring to the table.

Then came the start up in Del. Which I turned down because the uncle running it in his wife’s name expected 24*7 labour availability for 12L with no health insurance.

The latest in my list of things I’ve turned down is the ** Gov. Which I can obviously go back to since my reason for turning it down was another job, but 14 days of leave all year? 7 day work week if needed? Hell no. I enjoy having labour rights. But also when I told the dude I’d be reporting to if I accepted that I cant accept due to covid concerns his reaction was “sure, send me an email so we can start looking for someone else immediately.” Like.... we just had a second wave, what if something was wrong? I wouldn’t risk losing my job because they expect work even if I were hypothetically coughing up blood. So best not to touch with a bargepole. Now I’m less sad, but also really hope the TB results are negative. This job I want and have said yes to ticks off all of the boxes in my head and I will truly be disappointed if I lose it to disease paranoia despite being completely suited and picked for the role 😞

Just to be on the safer side, I have taken one last shot at achieving my goal of ‘learn how political systems work so you know what you’re talking about first hand in that PhD.’ I hope my Plan A works out instead, though.

Since I’ve brought him up in this, it will be interesting to note that a year ago I did the erstwhile unthinkable act of cutting a friend of for attempting to steal a man I love. A year ago to the date, literally. Funny how this year is more calm, but I was maxed out on endorphins from him last year. Until this March even, if I’m being truthful. I don’t regret cutting her off.She crossed a vvvv red line. ALL my other friends are celebrating. They detested her. 

Another thing that happened last year was me letting him know that I only get hotter with time, but along with this work drama I have also had a run in with intense grief which I thought was a mood disorder (because it was intense, I mentioned?), cholesterol, thyroid, sugar addiction and now, le TB (PLEASE BE A FALSE POSITIVE YESU KRISTU HALP). So needless to say, I haven’t been most fabulous and undergone my physical transformation and these mental health struggles (are getting better now) strapped me to my couch along with the pandemic and its many lockdowns. I have also not studied for the GRE because I’m stimulus seeking via social media and fear of sucking at math has kept me locked in place. I still have a lot to work through on this front and would really like to make his cover right too, but my creativity isn't working and I keep fucking it up. I am not as spectacular as I was last year. The separation has also weathered my dazzle out a little and while I’m living with it, I still have small waves of sadness that show up once in a while.

I might have also accidentally flirted with someone into falling for me. It was all fun and games and for my pride, but now I’ve to gently let them down since I’ve cold feet and am chicken. Because I’m as emotionally unavailable as a streetlamp. Is this why they call me a Gurgaoni fuckboi?

[chlodani]

This is Special Edition part 8. . .

I hope you guys like this. I wasn't gonna write it this way, but it was an idea that came to my head and I thought it was a good one.

The Beginning of Part 8. . .

This is a brand new smau that I'm writing. Its actually my first. It's a Zuko x F!Reader pairing.

Trigger warning! If you're sensitive to things like car accidents and hospitals I'm warning you ahead of time. Read at your own risk. . .

Zuko is getting tired of his relationship with Mai. He feels it's not exactly enough, and he wants more. Though he doesn't know what. He seems to have a certain attraction to his best friend Y/N, but is too stubborn and grumpy to tell her or really talk about it at all. She likes him, but is too afraid to say anything because of his relationship with Mai. Though could things take an unexpected turn for Zuko and Y/N when something happens to her and he's afraid of losing her. . .

Special Edition Part 8

Toph's P.O.V.

I held onto Sokka's arm as we followed Sapphire to Y/n's room. I dont think I'm ready to be in a room with Y/n where shes not laughing, or joking around or trying to make sure everyone had a great time. I remember how her and I used to duel together. She had mentioned at one point about needing to practice her waterbending skills, since hadn't had to use it for fighting in so long. Zuko offered to duel with her, but I threatened to kiss his a*s if he hurt her - even by accident. So, he backed off. I offered to help her because chucked rocks at her was a good way to practice quick reflexes. She adapted quite well, and quite quickly. It was so fun in fact that we set a time once a week just to duel each other. We even up-ed the challenge. I started to not just use Earthbending but Metalbending as well. I miss being able to do that. Or when Y/n would randomly text our group chat in the middle of the night because she missed us. I felt that we were standing in the room. I could feel the sad presences around me from everyone in the room. The vibes are very strong from Zuko right now. I walked closer to the bed. I stood next to it, feeling around for her hand or her arm. Once I felt it, I gently wrapped my hand around her arm. I felt a tear fall from my eye as I stood there.

"Oh Y/n, why did this have to happen to you? You were so full of life and energy and love. And despite what Zuko did to you, you tried to stay happy for us. You tried to be upbeat to keep the mood up. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been me? -"

More tears fell from my eyes. I felt a hand on my back. And judging from how it felt, I'm guessing it was Sokka.

"I miss you Y/n. We all do, - Please dont leave us - Please come back to us! – Katara cant you heal her or something?!"

"I-I wish I could Toph, but this is delicate. If I make one slip she could fall further into the coma and never come out of it," Katara spoke to me softly.

"There's still a chance she might not come out of it," Suki spoke casually.

"Suki?!" Sokka snapped in slight shock.

"What? I'm just being real Sokka," Suki explained calmly.

"Okay, guys let's not fight or complain," Aang spoke.

"Aang's right," Sapphire stated.

I quickly turned to where I knew where Zuko was standing. Angry crossed me.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT ZUKO!!!!! I WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN ACCEPTED INTO OUR GROUP!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! AND I PROMISE YOU I WILL KICK YOUR A*S LATER!!!!" I yelled to Zuko before rushing out of the room.

Aang's P.O.V.

We all stared as Toph rushed out.

"Hmm, maybe someone should go after her?" I spoke casually.

"I'll do it," Katara volunteered.

Katara left the room to find Toph.

"Uh, if we have something to say to Y/n, maybe we should do it one at a time," Sokka suggested.

"I think that's a good idea Sokka," Sapphire stated.

"Whose gonna go first?" Zuko asked.

"Me - I wanna go first," I spoke up.

"Okay, we'll leave you alone with her Aang," Sapphire said softly.

I nodded as they walked out of the room. I sighed as I walked over to Y/n. I hated looking at her like this. She looked so helpless.

"I bet you hate all this fighting huh? - I know if you were here you'd try to do your best to resolve it all for us. You were always so good at that. Even better than me. And I'm the Avatar. We've been posting a tone of stuff on our social media page about you. Asking you to get better and not to leave us. It's funny even Zuko admitted to the fact that he loves you. -"

I went silent for a moment.

"If you can hear me - And you recover, please dont tell him I told you that? - I miss you Y/n, - We all miss you -"

A tear escaped from my eye. I leaned over to hug her.

"Please dont leave us,"

Sapphire's P.O.V.

I sat next to the bed.

"Its funny, I'm here everyday and I still can't get used to seeing you like this. You're everything to me baby sis. I cant lose you. I know I tell you this everyday, but I cant seem to say it enough. Maybe if I say it enough, it'll be just enough to pull you out of it. I miss you so much, - Please - Y/n wake up,"

I took hold her hand, letting tears fall as I rested my head on her arm.

Sokka's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at Y/n. I couldn't stand seeing her like that.

"I'm having a real hard time seeing you like this. I guess its times like these where I wish I couldn't see. Then I think about Toph, and I wonder how hard it really is for her. Seeing is she cant see anything, but yet she can with her feet. Toph is the greatest. I know you'd agree with me if you could talk right now. You'd be happy. I havent been stealing your Dt. Pepsi's lately. Mainly because it's not the same without you pretending to get mad at me. I miss you so much Y/n. I really hope you come out of this. I miss my best friend. Without you, my life is a dull pancake,"

I sighed once more as I looked at her. I took her hand softly.

Katara's P.O.V.

I sat in the chair by the bed. Y/n looked so innocent and helpless lying there.

"I cant believe this happened to you. I wanted to blame Zuko, but I knew it would do me no good. I know it's not his fault. And I know he deeply, deeply cares for you. You're my best friend, you're like my sister. I miss you so much. Waterbending isn't the same without you. I remember how we used to waterbend together. Me, you, Aang, and Sapphire. It was so much fun. - Oh, Y/n, I really hope you make it out of this. We all care very deeply for you. We all miss you. - Especially Zuko - He is really sorry for what he did to you Y/n. And he wants you to come out of this too. - Oh Y/n please wake up,"

I put my arms over her hugging her.

Suki's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at the floor.

"I know you cant talk back to me right now, but I really need to talk to you. You were always so great at giving advice, just like Zuko's uncle. I need you Y/n. I feel like Sokka and I are becoming distant. And I cant quite seem to figure out why. If he's growing feelings for someone else, I guess I could be okay with it if he talked to me about it. But I feel like he's hiding his own feelings from me. And I don't know what to do. – Y/n, what do I do?"

I stared at the floor as a test escaped my eye.

Zuko's P.O.V.

I didnt know what to do as I sat there. I honestly didnt know what to say. I know she can hear me. I took in a soft breath before taking her hand.

"I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could be alert when I tell you I am so sorry for what I did to you. It was Mai she made me do it. She told me if I wanted to still be her boyfriend then I'd have to stop talking to you. I didnt want to, but Ibwas blinded by my own feelings. I was stupid. I shouldn't have listened to her. I should've listened to my own feelings for you, not for Mai. I know you probably still hate me for what I did. And I deserve that, -"

I held her hand tighter.

"I deserve every negative comment that you guys throw at me. - Our friends are right I am an a*s - I know you can hear me Y/n, - So I'm gonna tell you I love you - And that I really need you to recover.- I need you in my life. - I cant love without you - Please dont leave me,"

I stood up next to the bed. I still held her hand as I leaned down pressing my lips to hers. I know she cant kiss back, but I felt compelled to do it.

Taglist:

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