#and honestly I don’t care if you’ll start to hate me after this…I’m just done…

[mulletpermsicantlookaway]

The Cupbearer, Part 2

This is my continuation from where @joshslater left off. The original is reblogged here as well.

Day 4, 9:28

As Tyler looked on, I put the sealed cup in my backpack. I was about to leave, but then I turned and really looked at him, trying to figure out what was going on.

“Honestly, Tyler, is there anything left of you in there? I mean, do you still care about me at all, or do you just care about me getting Steve with this…this thing?”

For a second, his cocky smirk vanished. He almost looked thoughtful. Maybe he was.

“Bro, it’s not as if I didn’t try to warn you. Why do you think I was avoiding you? You shouldn’t have pushed me so hard. I got angry and lost it, and believe me, bro, I can get super aggressive now, super fast. You weren’t on the list yet. You were safe. Probably.”

“But you were my best friend! I couldn’t just desert you, not after all we’d been for each other, not without finding out why!”

“Look, bro, now you know why, mostly. Even if I’d wanted, it’s not as if I could have just hung out with you like before. And after I – changed – you and I didn’t have anything in common anymore. Seriously, dude, you have no idea how fucking annoying you nerds are! Every time I see one of you – even, even you – I just want to stuff you in a locker. Do I remember being your friend? Is that what you want to know?  I do. I’m sorry. For all the fat lot of good it does us now. But cheer up! You and I’ll be friends again now, bro. Real soon.”

Damn. I felt sorry for him, but that hateful, cocky smirk was back, and I wanted to slap that stupid smile off his face. Maybe he was a victim, but he didn’t look like one. He and I will be friends again soon? I couldn’t help it; I started crying again as I realized what was going to happen to me.

“I hate you so fucking much, Tyler. And I’m going to end up just like you, aren’t I? A big brute with a cocky smile, ready to terrorize any nerd that comes along. ‘You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.’ Damn! Fuck! I should just end this now and jump off a bridge or run out in front of a bus or something. Then this nightmare would finally be fucking over!

Tyler suddenly grabbed me by my shoulders. Hard. His eyes bored into mine. He let go his right hand long enough to smack my face before grabbing me even tighter. Shit, he was strong now! There was no way I could move. My face stung.

“Dude, seriously, none of that! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Stop it now! Trust me. Don’t try. It won’t work.”

He didn’t look so cocky now, but I wasn’t sure if he was worried about me or what. He still gripped me so hard I couldn’t move. Between sobs, I said: “How do you know it won’t work?”

The look in his eyes intensified. Was it anger? Pain? Fear? Was he afraid of what I might do, or was something else going on?  I said, “No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. But can you at least tell me what it’s gonna be like? Can you tell me if I’ve got anything to fucking live for?”

“Bro, I wish I could. I do. But I can’t explain it the way you want. You’ll have to find out for yourself. I’m sorry. I truly am. Believe me, bro, I just don’t remember much about what happened.”

“But are you happy now, Tyler?” I said, still sobbing. “I mean, you look great and all that, as big dumb brutes go. You’re as strong as an ox, and you seem happy enough, going out with Brittney and hanging out with the guys and all that. Look, I just need to know that I’ll be okay. I just need to know that there’s some hope that I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life.”

Tyler relaxed his grip a tiny bit.

“Look, bro, if that’s what you really want to know – yes, you’ll be okay. You’ll be better than okay. You will. You’ll probably be happier than you’ve ever been. I am. But you’re not there yet. And the sooner you find Steve and do what you need to, the sooner you’ll be done. Because you’re right about one thing – resistance is futile.”

“Nerding out on me, eh, jock boy? Yeah, resistance is futile, all right. I know.”

I sighed and stopped sobbing. Tyler released his grip and pushed me away. I think he was trying to be gentle about it, but I still staggered a bit. The jock boy didn’t know his own strength yet. I rubbed my sore cheek gingerly. With that unreadable look still on his face, he said quietly:

“I’ll tell you another secret. Girls will never admit it, but they really like – how did you put it – big dumb brutes? And some boys do, too. Anyway, bro, it’s high time for both of us to be out of here before someone comes looking. Now go! Just don’t do anything stupid. You know what I mean – don’t think about doing any of those things you were talking about. Text me if you have to. Now fucking get out of here or I really will have to beat you up, while I still can, anyway.

“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Tyler smirked at me. The unreadable look was gone, as if it had never been, and the cocky asshole was back. “Bro, you’re already starting to turn. Maybe you haven’t noticed. Now get lost! See you soon.”

Day 4, 10:42

That talk with Tyler gave me a lot to think about, and I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. It’s nice to have some hope that I’ll be happy again. And I think I got a glimpse of the old Tyler inside the hulking, arrogant jock that he’s become. Part of him seems to care about me still. But I was hoping to have this damn thing off today. With it vibrating all the time, all I can think of is getting off, which is the one thing I can’t do.  I’m hot, then I’m cold, but I’m sweaty even when I’m cold. I’m so horny I can’t even think. I might as well have skipped all my classes, because I don’t remember anything. I really want to hit someone right now. Fuck Tyler! And what did he mean about me starting to turn?

Day 4, 11:28

At first, I was hoping it was my deranged imagination, but I’m almost certain the cup is starting to feel tighter now. A lot tighter. I wish I could believe it’s because it’s shrinking, but I know better. I saw what it did to Tyler, up close and personal. I have got to find that fucking nerd Steve today, or I won’t be able to get it on him until Monday, and I’ll be stuck on edge all weekend. These chinos aren’t going to work much longer. They’re starting to get too tight. And even worse, they’re a little highwater. Fuck! Am I getting taller?

Day 4, 14:17

Suddenly I can’t stop eating. I gorged myself at lunch. Out of nowhere I had a huge appetite. I ate two lunches and I’m still hungry. Steve is nowhere to be found. He either wasn’t in school today or was sent home early. I’ll have to make it through the weekend with vibrating junk! Fuck! I need this off now before I change any more.

Day 4, 16:57

I’d had enough. After school, I didn’t go home. I went to where there’s a nice, high overpass over a busy road. I was going to jump and be done with it. I touched the railing, thinking I would just fling myself over, but as soon as my hands touched the railing, that thing – I don’t know whether it froze me or shocked me or what. When I came to, I was sitting on the curb on the other side of the overpass with some passer-by asking me if I was okay. No, I was not okay! I have no idea how long I was out. But I told her I was fine. I got up and tried to go home, but the cup started freezing me and buzzing like mad as soon as I got anywhere near that overpass. I had to go around and go home another way. It made me wonder: did Tyler try something like this? He did try to warn me, and he was so intense about it, too. At this point, I was so keyed up that I didn’t walk; I actually ran home. Between the cup and the too-tight chinos, I’m sure I looked as uncomfortable as I felt, but I needed to burn off some of my frustration. The weird thing is that the cup seemed to vibrate a lot less when I was running. I could almost think.

Day 4, 20:23

I ate everything in sight at dinner. If this continues, I might have to get a job after school just to pay for the extra food. I shut myself in my room afterward, got on the bed, and stared at the ceiling, bored out of my mind. I just couldn’t get into my comic books or video games with the constant vibration going on. I had to find another way to distract myself. I started doing sit-ups and push-ups and squats and any other exercise I could think of. It was odd, but the more active I was, the vibration in the cup either seemed to stop or was just easier to ignore. Once I’d finally worn myself out, I texted Tyler and asked him if he had a pair of sweatpants I could borrow. He didn’t get back to me right away. There was a football game, naturally. But he said he’d stop by in the morning and bring me something I could wear.

Day 5

It seems stupid to do a bunch of different reports for the same day, so I’ll just do one. After breakfast, Tyler the jock actually dropped by as promised! He probably needed to go watch a football game afterwards to purge himself of any nerdiness he might have picked up at our house, but he came. I really hadn’t expected him to show. And he brought me not one but two pairs of his old sweatpants, a pair of the kind of shorts that jocks tend to wear, and a pair of shoes. It’s good he thought of shoes, because mine were getting tight enough to be uncomfortable. This pair doesn’t fit him anymore, but they’re only a little bit big on me. For now. They smell like jock, of course, but I’ll have to live with that. I don’t see myself wearing the shorts. Maybe they’d be comfortable and practical, but they’re ugly, and I’m not a jock yet. I think the sweatpants will do a better job of covering up the stink from the cup. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have to wear sweatpants to school on Monday. Anyway, it was nice of Tyler to bring me the stuff, and he wasn’t being obnoxious. He seemed kind of chill, actually. Maybe I understand him a little better now. He didn’t stay long, but he probably can’t be seen hanging around me until I’m a jock, too. In any case, you rarely see a jock separate from the herd.

It was my mother’s first glimpse of the new, improved Tyler. She was obviously surprised, but she covered it well enough. After he left, she said something like, “Tyler’s been working out a lot lately, hasn’t he? He looks like a completely different person. I hardly recognized him.”

That gave me my opening. I finally asked her the question that had been on my mind since Day 2. I said something like: “So, if I started to get into working out and football stuff like Tyler, and I started getting big and built like him, and I started hanging out with his jock friends, would that freak you out?”

She looked at me thoughtfully for a bit. Then she said something like, “He’s your best friend. I can tell it’s been really hard on you that his interests have changed. But honey, I’m fine with whatever you want to do - as long as it’s what you want and it makes you happy.”  So there I have it. I guess I can put my biggest worry to rest. She’ll be okay with a jock son.

Anyway, after that it was so fucking boring in my room that I jogged as best I could to a park that has those pull-up bars and push-up bars and other stuff for doing a circuit workout or whatever they call it. Like yesterday, it seemed that the vibrating from the cup stopped the more I stayed active. And boy, did I stay active. I did every exercise as best I could until every muscle was so sore I could hardly move. Even I knew that wasn’t the right way to work out, but I needed the relief from the cup. I also hoped to make myself so exhausted that I could sleep better. It worked. My vibrating junk only woke me up a few times during the night. But now the cup is a lot tighter. A lot. I’m not sure if that makes the vibration better or worse, but the worst part is still the constant horniness without being able get off.

Speaking of getting off, I’d better be getting this thing off on Monday!

Day 6

Judging from the little I know about working out, I should have been really sore today. I wasn’t. My guess is the cup does something to speed development and recovery, because I am already seeing some muscle. Even I know that I shouldn’t be able to see a visible change in a day! This thing is really messing with me. I already knew I was starting to smell more like locker room, but now I’m getting hairier. I don’t know what’s going on under the cup, of course, but my legs are hairier, my pits are hairier, and my abs and forearms are hairier. My nipples are super sensitive, and they’re poking up under my T-shirts. Holy shit! I’m getting little hairs all around them, too, and in the middle of my chest! I’m turning into a fucking neanderthal.

As if all this weren’t enough, my throat started to feel scratchy, as if I were coming down with a cold, and I sounded hoarse. I told Mom I wasn’t feeling well. In any case, there was no way I was going to go to church wearing sweatpants with the smell of the cup rolling off me. In the afternoon, I felt a bit better, although my voice was still really rough and hoarse. I went to the park again. I’ve never seen anyone I know there; it’s not very close to my house or the school. I wore Tyler’s old shoes, which fit me perfectly today. By the basketball hoops, there are usually a few random guys playing a pick-up game. Now, I didn’t know much more about basketball than what a basketball looks like, but I played for a while. It could have been worse. I didn’t make a complete fool of myself, and the smell coming off me isn’t nearly as noticeable outside. I was wearing Tyler’s shorts, so I looked as right for the part as I could manage. When I got home, my voice was so hoarse that I could hardly whisper.

As I’d hoped, all the activity calmed down the vibrations from the cup. Speaking of which, I keep thinking the thing can’t possibly get any tighter, but it is.  And I thought I was horny before; now it’s so bad that I can hardly see straight.

When I was getting ready for bed, something about my face looked different in the mirror. I looked scruffy. I think maybe that shaving once a week isn’t going to cut it anymore. My eyebrows were looking a little thick, too. Even worse, it looks as if I’ve got the start of a unibrow. It might be my imagination, but my features seem different, I don’t know, bigger or heavier or something. A little lunkheaded. It’d better be my imagination, because I do not want to start looking like one of them. I’ve got to get rid of this thing!

Day 7

This is scary. I’m getting ready for school, and now even Tyler’s old sweatpants are starting to get a bit form fitting, if you know what I mean. And they’re a little high water, too. My T-shirt looks really tight, and I know it didn’t shrink. It’s uncomfortable, but I hardly notice it compared to the tightness of the you-know-what. It feels tight enough to pop itself off now. Maybe it will? I know I’m still growing, but the cup has got to be speeding things up. Anyway, the first order of business today is finding that nerd Steve and giving him his cup. I’m sorry for Steve, even if he is a fucking dweeb, but I have got to be done with this.

Once I got to school, the rest of the morning passed in a blur. Right before lunch, Tyler texted me that he needed to see me, so we agreed to meet as soon as we could in the most out-of-the-way men’s room in the school. When I went in, there was only one other guy there, some random nerd I didn’t know. Tyler came in a moment later, fixed the nerd with his best jock glare and said “Out, nerd. Now!”. The guy scuttled out with a look of terror on his face, but I had sympathy only for myself. Turning to me with his trademark cocky smirk, Tyler said:

“Congrats, bro! You did it! You’re second on the list now. So go down to the locker rooms tomorrow sometime between, say, 10 and 11 tomorrow and everything should be ready.”

“Dude, am I, like, missing something?” Something about me sounded way off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. “What’d I do?”

“Well, I didn’t see it myself, but you know Derek? Blond buzz cut, linebacker and built like it? Anyway, Derek told me you got Steve O’Connor this morning between first and second period. You walked right up to Steve and popped it on him while Steve was still trying to figure out what you wanted. He just stood there, pale as a ghost, and said “What’d you just do to me?” You walked away, but then turned around and said, “Just a little present for you, nerd. Have fun trying to walk!”. And then Steve, he’s still standing there after you left, spluttering, “I don’t understand! What’s this smell?” and looking as though he’s going to throw up. According to Derek, he was still standing there in the hallway looking lost when the next bell rang.

Holy shit! I’m sure the look on my face must have been fascinating, but I couldn’t see it. The cup started vibrating like a mad thing. I should have been sick to my stomach. I should have fainted. But really, I was just relieved. Incredibly relieved. And more than a bit freaked out that I didn’t remember any of it. I said:

“Bro, seriously, I do not remember any of that shit. I don’t remember anything from this morning.” Something was still off; I sounded strange. “Wait, dude, is my voice, like, lower?”

“Yeah, actually. You sound different. But, bro, I told you were turning already. I can see it, and probably other people can now, too. You’re taller, and you’re bigger, too. I know you haven’t started to buff out a lot yet. That doesn’t really happen until the cup comes off, and it doesn’t happen right away, but you’re already starting. And that’s fast work, bro; some guys don’t start showing for weeks. You’re going to be fucking awesome!”

And then he grabbed me in a quick, hard, bro hug and patted me on the back with his meaty paw. I was stunned. My bro Tyler thought I was going to be awesome! I was so pleased, so stupidly pleased at attention from Tyler that I forgot for a minute that I had spent all morning at school and remembered none of it.  That should have frightened the living shit out of me. And let’s not forget that Ty-boy was the whole reason that I was in this mess to begin with. Tyler said:

“So, dude, you really don’t remember anything from this morning?”

“No, bro. Not a thing since I got to school. Why?”

Tyler grinned at me for a moment. His smirk was smirkier than ever – if that’s a word.

“Well, bro, before you caught up with Steve, you also apparently stuffed some random freshman geek into his locker. Derek had been keeping an eye on you, you know, making sure you got to Steve. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but that was too good to pass up. Anyway, I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow, after you’re – well, after. Trust me, you’re gonna feel great!” 

He turned to leave, but I said, “Dude, seriously, hold on a sec. I mean, stuffing some kid I don’t know into his locker, I’m not even gonna go there; I so can’t deal with that now, but is it normal for me to just – black out and forget an entire morning at school? I mean, that’s really freaking my shit.”

“Well, I don’t know how often it’s happened, but you’re not the only one it’s happened to. But you’ll be fine once the cup’s off. Later, bro!”

Yeah, I’ll be fine, Tyler. Right. The next time I terrorize some innocent kid, at least I’ll be able to remember it. Great.

Tyler swaggered out of the men’s room and vanished down the hallway. I started to follow and then stopped short: tomorrow? He said tomorrow? Really? I had to wait another day! Fuck! There’d be nothing left of me by tomorrow. Whatever happened in the locker room to complete the process, I was already starting to look and act like one of them. And if I understood Tyler, the changes started to accelerate once the cup came off. Tears sprang into my eyes, and I started to sob. I suddenly felt faint, so I went to the sink. I caught my reflection in the mirror. What I saw was bizarre, and completely outside my experience: a dumb jock was bawling his eyes out. I wanted to throw up, but nothing came, so I stood there and splashed some water on my face.

It didn’t matter at this point, I realized, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I was way too far gone already. Quick as lightning, I punched the hateful reflection with my fist. The glass shattered and fell splintering to the floor. My knuckles were a little red, but I hadn’t broken the skin. I walked out the door and never looked back.

Day 8, 6:25

Today’s the day. I’m resigned to my fate. My old life’s ending and my new one is starting. No, my old life ended a week ago. Come to think of it, my old life really ended when the bastards got Tyler. They took my best friend, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. The sooner this is over, the better. See you on the other side.

Day 68

Hey, bros, I know it’s been a LOOONG time, and you want to know the rest of the story. Sorry you had to wait, but I have had way better things to do than dweeb-ass shit like keeping a journal. A fucking captain’s log? Seriously! I can’t believe that I used to be that guy. But – I know he would have wanted to finish the story, and I owe my old self that much, I guess. So, bros, with that said, here is the rest of the story.

I know you all want to know WHAT HAPPENED, you know, down in the locker room. The problem is, just like my bro Tyler, I can’t really remember much of The Day Of, if you know what I mean. I know I went down to the lockers as soon after 10:00 as I could make it, because nothing was more important to me than getting that fucking thing off my junk. As for becoming a jock, by that point I was already more jock than nerd anyway. I wasn’t trying to fight it anymore.

Anyway, I got there, and they were ready for me this time. The old football coach was there (more on him later), and that Derek dude with the blond buzz cut was there, and maybe Tyler and a few other guys that I recognized. Maybe. After that, it’s pretty much another black hole, like the day before when I cupped Steve-o. All I remember is there were lights, and maybe some videos they had me watch, and the old football coach’s voice droning away. I think some of the other coaches were there, but his was the voice I remember. And then nothing. The next thing I remember, I was coming back after practice into the locker room and stripping for the showers. Yeah, after. I don’t remember my first football practice, but Tyler told me I really was there. I also don’t remember learning how to play football.

It wasn’t until I was soaping myself up in the shower that I realized I was free. About fucking time! I honestly don’t know when they took that thing off, but when I got the soap down there, I finally realized it was gone, and I could touch my stuff for the first time in a week. Of course, it wasn’t the same feeling. No way. I had heard that most of the guys who were jocked like me would stand there in a daze once they were free of it, touching themselves and muttering, not able to believe what they were feeling. But I already knew what to expect. I’m not going to bother describing mine in detail. I already described Tyler’s monster fuck stick and balls, so you know the drill. But you remember that Tyler had been – um – distinctly below average beforehand? I wanted to point out that that was not the case for me. You know what I mean. You can figure it out. I swear, it felt like the damn thing needed nearly a whole bar of soap just for itself, and the balls felt like lead weights in my sack. It took some getting used to, but I got used to it, and anything was better than the cup, believe me. It’s been easier since. Now that I’m stronger and my body’s bigger, everything’s more in proportion, and I don’t feel like a freak. But sorry, Becky, the manspreading will continue. It’s not as if I have a fucking choice. Between the size of my thighs and my junk, just trying to cross my legs makes my balls wince.

At least I could finally wash down there, and the funky reek was gone. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big guy, and I can get pretty rank by the end of the fourth quarter. Fuck, I can get pretty rank by half time. And my gym shoes and football cleats and jockstraps do make my bedroom smell a bit like a locker room. But I don’t stink up any room just by walking into it anymore, not unless I haven’t had a shower.

Speaking of showers, I’ll get back to the story. I finished my shower and lumbered my way back to my locker in that jock swagger that has become an old habit by now. I know it makes me look dumb, but that’s really the only way I can walk comfortably. Anyway, when I opened my locker (and I’m not sure how I even knew it was my locker), I found some clean clothes that I had never seen before. I sighed. Under Armour head to toe seemed to be the extent of my fashion options. So I pulled on a pair of compression shorts and then put regular shorts on over those. Then I went to look at myself in the mirror.

I was bigger than the last view I remembered from the school men’s room (you know, the men’s room where I broke the mirror). I wasn’t much bigger, but shit, it was only a day later. It felt like a year! My build was still more gangly than buff at that point, but I could easily see where the muscles were developing. As for my face, well, it wasn’t quite neanderthal, but you wouldn’t mistake me for the president of the chess club. (The unibrow didn’t help, dudes.) I could still see remnants of my old face in places, though, covered over with the bushier eyebrows, five o’clock shadow, and stronger features. I had nearly no hair. I didn’t remember getting a haircut, but someone had given my dark hair a buzz cut like Derek’s, only even shorter; on the sides and back it was almost completely shaved off. I had never had my hair that short, and I felt bald and drafty. It was a striking look, but more than a little intimidating. If I were a freshman geek trying to get my books out of my locker, I would probably give me a wide berth. I wasn’t bad looking actually, but, looking at this face, no one would ever believe that I’d been a nerd. Fuck, I couldn’t believe it myself, and I knew better. The guy looking out at me from the mirror was hot shit, and he knew it. Maybe that was the whole idea. I smiled. And there it was – my own version of Tyler’s smirk.

Yeah, I know. I said I’d end up being a big brute with a cocky smile. Well, at this point I wasn’t all that big yet, but there was the smile. My reflection looked happy. Tyler was right; I felt amazing, better than I’d ever felt in my life.

I finished getting dressed, which for now meant I put on a T-shirt, socks and shoes. My hair was so short that, when I pulled the T-shirt over my head, the collar stuck to my stubble like Velcro. By this point, almost the entire team had left the locker room, but Tyler came by, rubbed my buzzed head and said, “Looking good, bro! How’s it hanging?”

“Shut up, Ty-boy, you fucker,” I said, with that shit-eating grin on my face. “I think you of all people know how it’s hanging.” I still sounded “off” to myself. I’m not sure if it was because my voice was even lower or if it was just the sound of the bro-speak coming out of my mouth. Maybe it was a combo.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “I know. But seriously, bro,”, he said, giving me a hug, “It’s good to have you back. How’re you feeling?”

Have me back, Tyler? I wasn’t the one who left, not that it mattered now. What I said was “It’s different; I’m not going to lie, but I feel pretty fucking amazing. Better than I ever have. You were right. But, dude, it’s been a long day. I didn’t sleep last night. I just want to go home, and, like, sleep for a week. Can we get out of here?”

Tyler AND Derek walked me home. I guess I’d better get used to moving with the herd. Derek’s not such a bad dude, really. I’m pretty sure he’s a native jock and not a former nerd, and he seems about as dumb as a box of rocks, but he’s decent enough to me now that I’m part of the team. He and Tyler came in for a few minutes. That helped blunt my mother’s shock at my new look. Tyler told her I’d gone out for football, that I was learning fast, and that the haircut was part of the initiation. I don’t know if she really liked it, but she rubbed my head affectionately and said I looked cute. Cute? Really? Maybe Mom likes big, dumb brutes, too. After that, I went to my room, collapsed on the bed, and slept for, like, sixteen hours.

I guess it was really more like twelve hours. The next morning, Day 9 in the captain’s nerd log, I woke up a bit early with a morning wood that was nearly as distracting as the cup. I had fallen asleep in my clothes. Clearly, I would have taken care of business had I not been unconscious, especially after waiting for so long, but my monster cock wasn’t going to be put off any longer. I’m not sure if I was jerking it or it was jerking me. I hope I didn’t wake Mom up; I was a bit out of control. And I had to change the sheets.

After I came, I felt different. This is hard to explain: I felt complete. Finished. It was as if that step somehow took all the changes I had been experiencing and clicked them into place, finalized them. I don’t know if that was just an idea in my head or if it was really part of the process, but that was when I truly felt I was a jock. Not only that, but I felt as if I’d always been a jock, and I had trouble remembering that I’d ever not been a jock.

In any case, I finally felt at peace with myself. My mind slowed down. Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not trying to say I got dumber. I know everyone thinks jocks are dumb, and a lot of us are. I know I can look dumb, and all the bro-speak makes me sound dumb, but I don’t think I’m really any dumber than I was before. What I mean is that I was calmer. Focused. My mind wasn’t racing every which way.

I’m only speaking for myself, of course. Now Tyler? He might be a little dumber than he was before, but he wasn’t always the sharpest tool in the box to begin with, if you know what I mean. I will admit that some of my grades slipped a bit. Part of it is that I had missed a week’s worth of class when the cup wouldn’t let me think. The main reason was my attitude. I can still do the work; I just don’t care as much about grades as I used to. Practice and working out and hanging out with the guys are all higher on my priority list right now than school subjects I didn’t like much to begin with. I’m sticking with AP Biology, though. If I keep studying biology, someday I might be able to figure out how these cups worked. And Mom already had the talk with me about how my grades need to keep up, so I will stop slacking, I promise. I’m not going to bully some nerd into doing my work for me, as tempting as it is.

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, nerd log Day 9, star date whatever-the fuck. As great as I was feeling, I did feel a bit sorry for Steve O’Connor. Protocol be damned (and how did I know there was a protocol?), I decided I would talk to him when I got to school and let him know it was nothing personal. Well, tracking him down wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped, and I didn’t want any of the other bros involved. As it turned out, Steve-o was the one who tracked me down.

This is how it went. I needed to drain the dragon. I was wearing a pair of Tyler’s hand-me-down jock shorts, and they didn’t have a fly. Not being used to my new, um, anatomy yet, I was a bit shy of pulling that monster out in front of others, so I aimed for that out-of-the-way men’s room where I’d broken the mirror two days and a lifetime before. The broken glass had been cleaned up, but the mirror hadn’t been replaced yet. I hoped no one would figure out how it had broken. Anyway, I was just finishing at the urinal when the scene started, almost identical to my confrontation with Tyler over a week earlier.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. Yeah, there Steve was, pale, sweaty, and looking on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I was pretty sure he’d seen my cock, because his mouth was agape, but I wasn’t going to be rushed. I took my time stuffing it back into my shorts.

“Fuck, James, is that even you? I hardly recognized you. What the hell happened? Since when are you a fucking jock? And what in fuck’s name did you do to me?”

I was trying to do the dweeb a favor, and now I saw what Tyler had tried to explain: nerds are so fucking annoying! I gave him my best smile, “Hey, Steve-o. ‘Sup, bro? Enjoying your new accessory?

At that, he actually tried to hit me, not that I blamed him, really. The reek of the cup rolled off him. It wasn’t quite as bad as I remembered, but it was bad enough.

I grabbed his arm then, and I pulled both his wrists behind his back and pinned him up against the wall so that he couldn’t lash out again. Holding him there while he struggled, I said, “Look, bro. We need to talk; but calm down or I’ll have to sit on you. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. It wasn’t anything personal. I had no choice. You were next on the list, and the only way I was going to get mine off was to give one to you.”

Now he was starting to cry. “What? What’s going on?  You mean someone put one of those on you, too? Who was it?”

“Not that it’s really any of your business, soon-to-be-former-nerd, but, if you really want to know, it was Tyler. Not that my bro Tyler had much choice, either.”

“Wait, Tyler. Yeah, he used to be a nerd, come to think of it. And wasn’t he, like, your best friend? So that’s what happened to him. And you. Now it makes sense! I couldn’t figure out what was going on. But why me?” And then it hit him: “Oh fuck. Fuck! No! You mean?” He started to slump down the wall. I let him go, and he collapsed on the floor and looked up at me with stark terror in his eyes. It was pitiable to watch, but I didn’t flinch and kept my gaze on him. “Tyler was a nerd, and now he’s a jock. You were a nerd, too, and now you’re a jock. And you put one of those things on me. Is that how they do it? You don’t mean I’m gonna…” He swallowed hard. “Look at you. You hardly look like the same person. You don’t sound like the same person. Do you mean?”

“Uh yeah, bro, I mean. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I figured I owed you that much. Say good-bye to the chess team and hello to the football team. Look, I don’t know. I really was trying to do you a favor, but maybe it makes it worse, you knowing what’s going to happen. But I figured you’d want to know. I did.”

“Oh yeah, thank you so much, thanks a ton!” he said bitterly. “Don’t just stick the knife in. Sure, twist it around a few times, too. Fuck!”

“Look, it’s going to be rough for a bit, but you’ll get through it. You will. Now let me give you some advice: don’t try to remove it; it just makes it worse. Don’t try to do anything stupid, like hurting yourself; that really makes it worse. And the more you stay active, the less it bothers you. I think it also speeds up the changes, but believe me, you’ll be better off in the long run. I know what I’m talking about. You won’t believe this, either, but you will be happy – after. Really.”

“But I don’t want to be like you,” he sobbed.

“Shh, dude, shh,” I said, patting him on the shoulder as gently as I could manage. “I know you don’t. Believe me, I know.” I pulled him to his feet and held him upright. “But you have to believe me when I tell you: you will be okay.”

And then I gave him a hug and left.  Later that day, my bro Derek pulled me aside. I don’t know if he knew I had talked to Steve, but he had noticed that I was trying to keep an eye on him. Derek told me, “Hey, bro. Don’t worry about Steve. Jake and I and a couple of the guys are keeping an eye on him. Anyway, we think he’s starting to turn, so he should be okay.” I couldn’t really see it until the next day. By Friday, the changes were more obvious, and by the time Monday morning rolled around, most of the nerd was jocked out of him. Sometime Tuesday, a week after me, he went down to the locker room. As it turned out, I didn’t talk to him again until he had joined us for that afternoon’s football practice, but it all came out right in end, as you’ll hear.

You see, the whole cup thing seems to have stopped, as far as we can tell. I had something to do with that, though not directly. It went back to something Tyler had said. Remember that he said I was back on the list, in second place? Apparently, whoever was behind the experiment or conspiracy or whatever it was had made some tweaks to the things along the way. I was the second guy to get the very latest cup model: second place, see? The guy in first place was some guy I had never met before named Zach Davis. My bro Steve-o, Steve O’Connor, was number three, and then there were three more nerds in process before whoever was running this show found a huge flaw in their plan. At least, it was a flaw to them. You see, every one of us that got that model turned out to be gay. Now, I don’t know for sure, but in my opinion, it could have just been dumb luck. I am pretty sure I was gay before. After all, I did have more than a bit of a crush on Tyler. It was one of the reasons I was so hurt when he dropped me and why I was so determined to find out why. And Becky was always a friend; I didn’t have, you know, feelings for Becky that way. It could have been the same for the other guys; I mean, really, gay nerds aren’t that uncommon. But it seems that the last thing whoever was running this program wanted was an army of cocky, built, gay alpha jocks who couldn’t be bullied. Too funny. Law of unintended consequences, anyone? Anyway, soon the old football coach was gone, and we had a new coach who was not involved, apparently, and had no idea that some of his star players had been nerds a short time before. And none of us are going to say anything.

Now no one knows (or admits knowing) what the goal might have been. If it was to change all the guys at school into jocks, I’m not sure how some of the bros would be able to pass their classes without some nerds to help them with their homework. Doesn’t really matter now, I guess. The jocks, new and old, are all happy with our lives, so we don’t care.

The new football coach had no problem with us gay jocks, and neither did the other bros. We were bros, too, after all. They trusted us, and the team needed us. If we happened to like dudes rather than chicks, that just left more chicks for them. As Tyler had said, girls liked big dumb brutes, and so did some guys. Even the dumbest, ugliest players on the team could always find dates, believe me.

As for me, well, turns out my bro Steve-o had a bit of a crush on me, and let me tell you bros that he’s turned into one smoking hot gay jock. We started seeing each other, and pretty soon we were boyfriends and the first couple on the football team.

Tyler’s still one of my best bros, and it was great to be friends and hang out again. Of course, we don’t spend as much time one-on-one as we did before, cause jocks really do kind of form a herd, and we don’t do the same things we used to. Now we might catch a game; then it might have been D and D, but it’s all good. Tyler and Brittney are getting pretty serious now, so she takes a lot of his time, and I spend a lot of my free time with Steve-o, naturally.

As for my old friend Becky, she wouldn’t even look at me for weeks after I had changed. Pretended I didn’t exist. And she really didn’t like jocks much, or so she said. But the funny thing about Becky, which I should have guessed, is that gay guys were her thing. As soon as Steve and I became a couple, suddenly Becky was apologizing for dropping me and asking if we could be friends again. She loves Steve, naturally. But the poor girl has needs, you know, like any girl her age, and while Steve and I were good friends, there was one itch neither of us could scratch, so to speak. Well, you won’t believe what happened next. Enter our bro, Derek. You remember: blond, buzz cut, side-of-beef Derek? The terror of freshmen and underdeveloped geeks? Yeah, that Derek. He comes to Steve and me and asks us to put in a good word for him with Becky! Thinks she’s way out of his league. Well, Derek is a great guy even if he is dumber than dirt, so sure, we did our bro a solid and pleaded his case with Becky. And she went out with him! And then she went out with him again! Now they seem to be getting as serious as Tyler and Brittney, and Tyler turns out to be right about girls again. I will admit I just can’t believe it. Brittney’s one thing; she’s the cheerleader type, and they always go for the jocks. But Becky? I have no idea what she and Derek talk about, but it seems to work for them. At least he doesn’t need to bully nerds into helping him with his homework; Becky’s got to be one of the smartest girls in school.

So, all in all, everything is going great and showing every sign of getting better. Tyler’s getting big enough that he could probably play linebacker next season. I’m not far behind him, and Steve-o’s catching up nicely in the weight room himself. Now that football season will be ending soon, I’m thinking whether I should go out for basketball. I don’t know; I’m a little bulky for basketball, and I’m not that tall. Wrestling might be a better fit. And the sight of my package in a singlet might scare any opponents right out of a match.

My room’s different too now. My old clothes are long gone. Even if I still wanted to wear that shit, none of it would have fit me a couple of months ago, let alone now. But Mom’s budget wouldn’t allow me to just lay in a new wardrobe. It would have been a waste anyway. The first few weeks after the cup came off, I was making some sick gains, and I would have outgrown anything that wasn’t super roomy or made with a lot of stretch. As it was, my appetite was already a strain on Mom. Tyler’s been super helpful, lending me some stuff and giving me what he could spare or grew out of, but Steve-o’s been the best. His parents are loaded, and his dad was so happy to have a jock son, even a gay jock son, that Steve-o can get almost anything he wants, even a few extras for his boyfriend. I eat dinner at their place nearly every night, which takes a lot of burden off my poor mother. I don’t want to be a charity case, though. I do make myself useful. And now that my growth and my appetite are stabilizing, I should be able to get some of my own clothes that I don’t grow out of in a month. Even a jock (and especially a gay jock) needs some decent outfits for occasions that don’t involve a locker room, and I’m not covering up this bod with baggy basketball shorts all the time.

As for all the nerd shit like comic books and whatever that Tyler and I used to spend our hours on, I boxed it up and put it in my closet. I don’t really want any of it, but I can’t get rid of it, at least not yet. I find it super boring and stupid now, but that stuff is all I have of who I used to be. I know it’s weird. I can barely remember being that guy, and I’m happy with my new life and would never go back, but I feel like, as long as I still have his stuff, my old self isn’t totally gone. The guy who wrote the beginning of this story is a stranger to me now, but when I read what he wrote, I mean, for a nerd, dude sure had some balls! So, yeah, I want to honor my old self’s courage – and the pain he went through, too. Reading the story now, it’s clear to me that the best part of my old self was my friendship with Tyler. Well, bros, don’t feel too sorry for the old me.  After everything that happened, I’m still friends with Tyler, and it’s fucking awesome, because that friendship is what brought me everything good that I have in my life now.

So, that’s the end of my story, bros, except for one last thing. Sort of an epilogue, if you know what that means (I told you dudes I wasn’t as dumb as I sound; I can use big words when I want to). You see, Steve and I are thinking that the Law of Unintended Consequences is fucking with this story again. Let me explain. Steve-o and I are an exclusive couple. Except for once. Now, neither one of us was interested in anyone else, but there was this one skinny guy, Jeremy, that had a HUGE thing for jocks. Kind of cute, but maybe weighed a hundred pounds on a good day. Well, obviously none of the straight bros are going to help Jeremy out, but as soon as we were out as a gay jock couple, the boy would not leave us alone. Wanted to make out with one or both of us for a night, an hour, fifteen minutes; in other words, whatever we’d be willing to give him. Well, we felt like being charitable. We finally decided that a little extra wouldn’t hurt our relationship, and we’d be doing the dude a favor and giving him an experience he wouldn’t soon forget. So, with the understanding that it was a one-time thing or else we’d do him some serious damage, we invited him over to Steve’s room one night. (No way my place would have worked; Mom would have heard everything.) Well, the dude may or may not have been a virgin, but he knew what he wanted. Of course, he nearly pissed himself when he saw our cocks, but he was so horny that he managed to – um – handle way more of both of us than I would have believed for such a small guy. Where there’s a will, I guess. And at least one of our jockstraps went missing after that, so I assume he kept a souvenir. But that was the end of that. Jeremy got what he wanted, and he didn’t try to renege on our deal.

So, it’s not as if little Jeremy hangs out with the bros, right? We don’t see him again right away. But when we do, he seems a little off. For one, he’s walking a little funny, as if something’s going on down there. We guessed maybe he was wearing his souvenir to school, and it wouldn’t exactly fit him, now would it? But it did look as if he had a lot more of a package than Steve-o and I remembered seeing. A few days later, he’s starting to look a bit different. Taller, A little bigger. His cute little face is looking less cute. He starts to look a bit distracted, and he’s scratching himself a lot when he thinks no one’s looking. Okay, so maybe it’s a normal growth spurt. I mean, as far as we both know, all the cups are all gone, and we’d be able to smell that on him in any case. Steve and I sure aren’t going to say anything, but we’ve got to wonder: is he turning? If so, the dude’ll probably be pretty happy, since jocks are what he’s into. But if he is turning, then it seems obvious that it must be something about his make-out session with us that triggered it. And if we could do that, what about the other converted gay jocks? If we’re all – contagious – if you follow me, then whoever started this fucking experiment may have his army of gay jocks yet, whether he wants it or not. And after everything that’s happened, bros, Steve and I think that has got to be about the most twisted ending to this story that we could have imagined.

[forever-rogue]

Hi!!! I was wondering if u could do a henderson!reader x steve harrington imagine where it’s enemies to lovers and also one bed? Where they use to be childhood bestfriends but then steve ditched her for the popular crowd and they took the kids on a vacation or something and had to share a bed? It’s angsty but also fluffy fluff fluff where they admit they’re in love with eachother!!

AN | Ooh, but this got real soft and made me feel things 🥺

Warnings | Language

Pairing | Steve x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 2k

Masterlist | Steve, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You’re joking,” you looked at your younger brother in desperation, wanting him to come out and say that he hadn’t mean it. But he just grinned that smug little grin you wanted to wipe off his exuberant little face, “you’re joking, right?”

“Nope.”

“Dustin!” you groaned in frustration as Steve rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, “why…this doesn’t make any sense!”

“Sure it does,” he shrugged his shoulders, fully aware of what he was doing, “the rest of us are already all paired up in cabins and that just leaves the two of you. So…you’ll have to share this cabin.”

“Why can’t I share with Robin?” you flailed your arms and hit Steve in the chest, “or Nance?”

“They’re bunking together.”

“Surely they can take a third person-”

“They’re bunking together,” he repeated and you understood the implication. Damn them. You pinched your brow and shook your head.

“What about Eddie?” you offered, “why can’t I stay with Eddie?”

“I’m staying with Eddie-”

“Be a good brother and trade!”

“No can do,” he ducked out of your reach and tossed the cabin keys to Steve, “sorry! Be a good sister and make do! It’s only a week.”

“You’re the worst!” you called at his retreating back, “you’re adopted!”

“You’re the adopted one!” all you could hear was his laughter as he disappeared into the distance. You turned around and found Steve watching you intently.

“Don’t even start Harrington,” you grabbed the keys and unlocked the door before unceremoniously kicking the door open. As soon as you stepped inside of the old cabin, a sound of despair escaped your lips. No way. There was no way.

“Well,” Steve trudged in after you, tossing both of your bags onto the floor, “looks like there’s only one bed, princess.”

“Fuck me.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I am not sharing a bed with you,” you vehemently shook your head as you took a step further from him. He rolled his eyes again before flopping onto the bed and letting out a long sigh of relief, “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“You don’t even have a sleeping bag.”

“I’ll use a blanket.”

"We could share the bed. We've done it before-"

"We were stupid kids. I'll take the floor."

“It’s hardwood and it’ll be cold.”

“I’ll deal with it!” you snapped at him and he sat up, “don’t act like you suddenly care.”

A flash of hurt crossed his features for a moment before he snapped back into reality, “fine - you take the bed and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“No.”

“Don’t be so stubborn,” he got off the bed and closed the small distance between your bodies. You were ready to make a smark retort but he was too fast, “take the bed and I will take the floor. Now stop arguing, princess, and deal with it.”

“I hate you,” you sat on the bed cross-legged as you sighed in sheer exasperation.

“The feeling’s mutual,” his back was to you so you couldn’t see his face. You wondered what his expression was because there appeared to be no venom to his tone. 

This was going to be a long week.

-─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It turned out you were right…it was a very long couple of days. You were so busy trying to avoid Steve at all costs that it became less about having fun and camping with your friends and more about your little vendetta. And honestly? It was tiring. But you were too stubborn to admit you could have possibly been wrong. At least when it came to him.

And you thought you didn't have a heart anymore, but it turns out that it was still there. Even if just a little bit. 

It happened midway through the week, after a rainy day that had turned into a cold night. 

"Harrington," you didn't bother to turn on the light, knowing full well he was still awake. He didn't say anything, so you sighed lightly, "get up here."

"What?"

"Don't make this weird," you were already having second thoughts but it was too late now, "get in the bed…but stay on the other side. It's too cold and I don't want to hear you complaining about your sore back tomorrow."

"Are you-"

"Don't make me change my mind," you shuffled around when you heard him getting up and made it so your back was towards him, "just get in the bed and sleep."

He climbed into the bed on the opposite side, taking up just enough room to be acceptable but still leaving a divide. Your backs were to each other and you could hear his breathing slowly start to even out. Before either of you could fall asleep he spoke up again.

"I don't hate you, you know," his admission was so quiet you weren't even sure it was meant for you to hear. You swallowed thickly, trying to decide if you should respond, "I know you're awake."

"What do you want me to say?" You squeezed your eyes shut as you burrowed your face into the pillow, "that I don't hate you? That I forgive you? Because that would be a lie."

"Maybe if I knew why you suddenly decided to hate me, I could have apologized-"

"Don't act like you don't know!" You were blinking back tears fighting the urge to roll over and glare at him.

"I'm not acting," he sat up and ran a hand through his messy hair, only giving you a cursory little glance, "what did I do? Why have you hated me for the last five years?"

"Are you serious?” this time you did roll around and glared at him, huffing heavily. He gave a no duh kind of look and you narrowed your eyes at him, “we were best friends. You said we would always be best friends…forever. But then one day you just left me behind and never looked back. I couldn’t even manage to get you alone to talk or anything. You were always with your new popular friends.”

“Oh,” he mused thoughtfully, a deep frown tugging down the corners of his mouth, “that’s what…all this time?”

“Steve,” you sighed lightly but the fact that you actually used his first name for a change was not lost on him, “your friends were assholes. They were rude to me - everyone except their little clique. It seemed like as soon as you started hanging out with them no one else mattered. You didn’t even try and defend me when they picked on me.”

“They were rude to you?” every word from your mouth made his heart break a little more. If he could go back now, he’d do everything differently. He’d been so lost and alone during those years, it was just recently that he started feeling like himself again. 

“Yeah,” you swallowed thickly, “but that doesn’t matter now, does it? I guess it just…I thought we’d always be friends, like we’d always said. But it seemed so easy for you to just forget about me.”

“Because whenever you weren’t around your little friends were assholes to me,” you huffed in frustration, “at least when you were around they ignored me. That was better than the alternative.”

“I never forgot about you,” he whispered. But really, it was just too little too late, “I thought…you hated me. At first, I kept trying to get you to hang out with us, but you never even looked at me.”

A heavy silence fell over the two of you for a while, so thick you could have it easily cut through it with even the dullest of knives.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly, breaking the silence and causing you to startle.

“It doesn’t matter,” you closed your eyes and tried to make yourself comfortable again, hoping to be able to get some sleep, “what’s done is done. Let’s just get some sleep.”

From the tattered silence next to you, you could tell there was more that he wanted to say. You just weren’t sure if you wanted to listen. You wanted to keep hating him - it was easier than admitting that deep down you were still in love with him.

Yeah. That realization hurt.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The next couple of days passed in relative peace, which came as a shocker to everyone. They all regarded the two of you cautiously, like they were worried that somehow they would cause everything to break. Meanwhile you and Steve decided to ignore it and pretend that nothing was wrong or different.  It was easier than finishing the conversation that lingered between you. 

It was the night before you were all set to leave that something changed again. You were packing up your things, more or less pretending that Steve didn’t exist when you heard him sit on the bed with a sigh. 

“Can we talk?” you turned around and looked at him in surprise. Your instinct was to argue with him, but instead you offered him a curt nod and sat down next to him. You could see him swallow thickly, “listen, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Truly. For everything that’s happened and…and not sticking to our promise.”

“Okay,” you nodded, and while part of you wanted to continue to stay mad, but you were also tired of the fight, “thank you.”

“I never stopped…” his voice dropped off and you raised an eyebrow gently nudging his leg with yours so he would go on. It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. But then he dropped the biggest shocker of all, “I never stopped loving you.”

“Oh,” you recoiled in surprise and he grimaced. Your heart was almost beating out of your chest in surprise, “oh. Well, I-I guess deep down I still love you too. We spent most of our lives together so…”

“Not like that,” he shook his head and angled his body towards yours, “not like that.”

“Like…oh.”

“Yeah,” his pretty face was flushed pink as you opened and closed your mouth a few times, unsure of exactly what you wanted to say, “I’m sorry…I probably shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to make things worse, but also kind of just needed to get that out there..”

“Steve…” you closed your eyes, wondering how you could possibly convey what you were feeling with words. There were a lot of things going around all at once, “are you sorry for the feelings or telling me?”

“Telling you,” he almost choked on the words and you nodded in understanding, “I can finish packing and then see if I can crash with Eddie and Dustin.”

You reached for his hand and stopped him from walking away, gently shaking your head. He looked confused but you stood up and took a step closer to him, “don’t go.”

“Sweetheart-”

“I’m not going to pretend that this solves everything,” you whispered, “we still have a lot of fighting to do, and fighting with people you love is worth it, fighting for the right thing.”

“Oh,” this time it was his turn to be dumbfounded, “what do you-”

You took his face in your hands and leaned in to press a kiss to his lips, effectively silencing both of you. When you pulled back, the two of you exchanged small, shy smiles. 

“I never stopped either,” you promised, “just so you know.”

“Yeah?” his pretty face lit up and you couldn’t help but mirror the enthusiasm back to him. 

“Yeah,” you were positive you’d never been more sure, “but we’ll still talk about it right? I don’t want to just sweep everything under the rug.”

“We will,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead, “we’ll fight and figure it all out.”

“Perfect.”

[clrasecretdiary]

I think i'll miss you forever | Spencer reid x Reader (Blurb)

Content: If the argument between Spencer and jj after emily's return was with reader. Angst

word-count: 244 words (really short one).

Warning: Mention of spencer relapsing (doesn't actualy happen)

----

You had lied to his face, comforted him when he cried for his dead friend and now, as the grand-ending to this shit show you might have ruined the best thing that ever happened to you - Spencer's friendship. 

“What if I started taking dilaudid again? Would you have cared then?” Spencer said, heartbroken and cruel. 

You hated yourself for lying to him but it had to be done and you’ll just have to live with the consequences. 

“Spencer, that's not fair. You know i would, you know i care for you above anything else.” You say, almost crying but holding back your tears. 

“Do i? Because i thought i knew you would never lie to me, i thought i knew one of my fucking bestfriends was dead but aparently i was wrong. I honestly don’t think i know anything right now.”  He says, trying really hard not to scream at you,  his anger making him feverish. He was clearly heartbroken and you didn't know what to do. 

“I’m so sorry Spencer, I wish I didn't get involved but they needed my help with the documents, i wish I had not lied to you but I had to. All I can do is say i’m sorry”  

“Well, maybe sorry is not enough this time.’ He says, storming out of the room. 

As soon as he exited you started sobbing, you regret everything  and you’re terrified that Spencer might never forgive you after this.

[sunshineneedsaplacetokeephernsfw]

Day 11 | Threesome - Alfons & Liam

Kinktober masterlist

Gender-neutral reader (genitals not specified)

Word count: 2.3k

18+, slight dubcon? (reader implied to be slightly tipsy), skinny dipping, Alfons being a perv, in water, slight Liam x Alfons, anal fingering, double penetration, hand jobs, minimal editing

A/n: If it turns out Liam actually hates swimming, forgive me. Also sorry this is a bit late, I didn't want to rush it

“What should we do next?” Liam skipped down the street.

“Nothing too dangerous. I don't want to lose you both in one night and have to tell Victor.” You looked between both Liam and Alfons.

“We've done this many times before and came back to tell the tale, haven't we?” Alfons said.

Honestly, their “tales” didn’t put you at ease. Although you told yourself you’d come to make sure they were alright, you genuinely did want to hang out with them and have fun.

The night streets of London always felt much more fun with them around. It always felt so much safer with them. To your left was a body of water.

You stared out into the dark, rippling water. The light from the lamps reflected a gold orange off of it. With all of the excitement that night, you let the tension fade and relax as you stared.

“Do you want to go swimming?”

Liam’s voice in your ear made you jump. You didn’t see him get that close. You pressed your lips into a line as you thought and glanced back at the lake. It might be a little bit cool, but the night was warm. And the shimmering water looked so inviting. And you never swam with them before. It would be fun.

“But we don't have any bathing suits.” 

“We don't have to be wearing any,” Alfons appeared on the other side of you. Too close.

You rolled your eyes.

Liam smiled. “Oh, that’s a good idea, Al.”

“Thank you, my dear kitty. Now, shall we?” Alfons said.

Your face flushed. The drink you had earlier probably didn’t help.

“Now hold on…” you started.

Liam’s eyes flickered to you. “Is everything alright?” His smile faded for a brief second then returned just as quick. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to. We can go do whatever you want.”

“Hmm,” Alfons hummed. “If you’re nervous about seeing us nude, I can make you see bathing suits to protect your pure, innocent mind. Or any type of dream you desire,” his voice turned low with the last sentence.

“No. Even if I can’t see it, you’ll be able to see me,” you said.

You looked back at the lake in thought. It did sound nice. To just try something new and give in to let yourself do whatever you wanted. And it would be dark anyway. Maybe it was the alcohol, but you found yourself nodding.

“You know what? Fuck it. Let’s do it.”

Liam’s face lit up.

Alfons smiled. “Splendid.”

“But,” you interjected. “We’ll all be staying below the water, and I’m going to get in where you can’t see me.”

You already started making your way down to the water and to the left. Heading to a large shadow behind a tree. If there was anywhere they wouldn’t be able to see you, it was there.

“Be careful,” Liam called after you. You waved.

Your feet padded in the grass in the dark. Once out of sight, you tugged your clothes off. The warm fabric pulled off of your body, making you shiver a bit. Your heart pounded in your chest and you couldn’t keep the smile off of your face. The blanket of darkness helped your nerves. Knowing you were nude in public, but no one could see it.

You pulled on your underwear, considering leaving it on. But you didn’t want to have any wet clothes after. And you would be underwater.  Your face felt warm against the air. It would probably be fine, and you took it off.

You carefully tucked your clothes into a low branch on the tree and started climbing into the water. Your toes sunk into the mud. You took one careful step at a time, feeling how the water enveloped your body.

You shivered once the water reached your chest. A deep breath filled your lungs before you swam to Alfons and Liam.

Liam smiled at the sight of you and waved. He was deeper in the water, already swimming around while Alfons seemed to be relaxing in the more shallow section. You swam a bit closer. 

Even in the dark, you could see the dim light on their bare shoulders, making their muscles look a bit more defined than usual. Your skin felt warmer, even in the water. You tried to keep a straight face. All you had to do was not remember that they were completely naked beneath the water.

With a strong blush on your face, you swam and splashed in the water. Letting yourself do whatever you wanted.

“Finally letting yourself have fun?” Alfons asked.

On another occasion, you might have had a retort. But you just smiled and said, “Yes.”

And tried not to let your eyes drift.

“I’m happy to hear it.” Liam swam over to you. “Say, let’s have a race. You want to join in, Al?”

“I’m quite fine. Physical exertion isn’t quite for me.”

Liam’s eyes shifted to you.

“Sure!”

“First one to that rock on the shore-”

“Liam, I’d have to get out of the water.”

“Oops. Sorry. First one to… that spot,” he pointed to a vague spot in the water, “wins.”

You supposed it didn’t matter if there wasn’t a concrete way of telling who won. It was just fun.

“Okay. Three, two, one, go!”

You swam with him. Trying not to laugh and swallow up the water as you went. Water splashed into your face as he paddled faster than you, pulling ahead. In a moment of desperation, you swept your hand across the water and splashed a wave onto him.

He sputtered for a second which made you freeze in concern until he turned to you. His wet hair dripped over his eyes.

“Not fair.” He splashed back at you, but noticeably not as much.

You turned and covered your face.

A splash fight broke out. Slapping the water, trying to get the other back. You couldn’t stop laughing. If your hair wasn’t wet before, it was now.

“Okay, okay,” Liam relented. He blew a droplet of water off his nose.

“You okay?” You got closer. Your toes managed to touch the water here as you tried to walk to him.

“Yep. I’m ju- sneak attack!”

You yelped as he lunged and wrapped his arms around you. A large wave came from it as you nearly bobbed below the water. But just before your head could go under, he pulled you up into his chest. Relief raced through you and you giggled with your hand on his chest. Your heart was pounding. Next thing you knew, he was spinning you around. You couldn’t stop yourself from laughing.

You caught your breath as his arms stayed wrapped around you. The heat returned to you when you realized how close you were. Your skin was on his. You couldn’t pull your hand away.

“You two seem to be having a blast. Can I join in?”

Without asking, Alfons slid in behind you. You jumped a bit. How were they so good at sneaking up on you?

Alfons’s hand rested on your bare shoulder. Your breath caught in your throat. It was so simple, but had your skin warming up further. His fingertips lightly dragged across you.

Your fingers curled, reminding you of Liam right in front of you. How you were sandwiched between them. How they didn’t have any clothes on. They were naked on either side of you.You were naked. 

A fire lit in your nerves.

Alfons’s breath brushed across your ear. “I have an idea for something more fun, and pleasurable.” His hands slid down your arms. You leaned into him. “What do you think, Liam? Shall we let our new playmate join in on the fun?”

Liam nodded and looked at you. “I want to if you want to. What do you think?” Liam leaned in closer to you. His face was so close.

You nodded.

A brief look of surprise flashed across their faces.

“I want to,” you said loud and clear.

Liam smiled and hugged you close. He buried his face in the crook of your neck. A grin spread across Alfons’s face.

“Wonderful.”

His arms wrapped low around your waist and pulled you back into him. Your feet landed on a slightly more shallow spot where it was easier to keep your head out of the water. His hand dipped low and spread across your sensitive skin.

Liam’s hand wandered down too. Tracing against your hip then thigh. He moved his fingers to your sex only to bump into Alfons’s hand.

“I’ll take care of it here,” Alfons’s said. “You can focus on making our plaything feel good elsewhere.”

Alfons’s practiced hand dragged and teased where it felt good. Rubbing you over and over again. A moan fell from your lips.

“I can make you feel good too,” Liam said.

His hands smoothed over your chest. His fingertips landed on your nipples and circled around them. You jolted and felt the heat between your legs grow.

“Does it feel good?” Liam’s lips were so close to yours.

You nodded.

You didn’t know who leaned in first, but you were kissing him. Your hot lips meshed together. His tongue tangled with your while your thighs clenched. Your hands coiled in his hair and held him close. His fingers still rolled and toyed with your nipples.

Alfons’s lips brushed against your cheek.

“I want a kiss too.”

Your mouth was pulled away from Liam’s and instantly replaced with Alfons’s. He invaded your taste, drawing small moans from you. Your eyes were barely lidded. Your muscles were weak and leaned against them from support.

Liam leaned in again. You could hardly tell who you were kissing anymore. A hot mess of lips until the cool air hit yours again. Your eyes fluttered open to see them kissing each other. Alfon’s thumb pressed harder against you and you let out a whimper.

They parted.

“Did seeing us kiss turn you on?” Alfons teased with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“We can do it again,” Liam offered.

You stuttered. Your brain was far too clouded.

Alfons chuckled. His fingers moved down to your asshole. Teasing and slowly pushing inside.

“What are you doing?” You asked as you felt yourself clench around his finger.

“We have to prepare you. We both want you.” 

Your eyes widened when you realized what that meant.

Liam played with the neglected part of you while Alfons thrusted deeper and scissored in you. You squirmed in their grasp. Getting so worked up it hurt.

Alfons pulled out and you felt something hot prod in its place.

“Are you ready?” Alfons whispered in your ear.

Liam did the same and pressed himself against you.

“They’re not gonna fit,” you whined. You felt yourself twitch.

“Sure they can, we just have to go slow.” Alfons’s hand caressed you soothingly. “Do you want to go first, Liam?”

“Sure!”

Liam’s length slowly pushed into your hole. You bit your lip, as he entered you more and more. Pressing against your walls. His hips jerked and he started thrusting. The water sloshed around you both with each movement

Just as you were getting used to it, you felt Alfons push in. Your mouth opened wide as you felt the stretch, Curses on the tip of your tongue. Your body bounced with each thrust as they grew deeper. The sting fading away and only making you feel hot.

You clenched around both of them. Barely even aware of the sinful sounds coming from your mouth.

Their hands lifted you up and your legs hooked around Liam’s waist. The different paces making your brain melt. Alfons going slow and long while Liam’s were shallow and fast. Each one making your body tense up more and more.

“Are you close, dear?”

Liam panted. “Go ahead. Cum.”

Like your body was listening, your orgasm suddenly crashed on you. Your nerves drowned and twitched in hot pleasure that shot and flooded through you. Spasming around them, only making them press where it felt good more. You cried out and buried your face into Liam while Alfons smoothed your skin.

Your chest heaved as you came down. Sweat sticking to the skin that the water didn’t lap at.

“Did it feel good?” Liam whispered.

You nodded. “Yeah. Really good. Really really good.”

“Good.” Liam hugged you.

“Ah, but Liam. You haven’t reached your peak, have you?”

You slowly lifted your head and realized Alfons was right.

Before Liam could protest and say he didn’t need it, Alfons weaved his hand around you to reach Liam. Liam gasped and his face flushed.

“I can’t let my other playmate not reach the peak of pleasure,” Alfons said. The water rippled as he moved his hand.

Your eyes slowly turned to Alfons as the haze cleared from your head.

“You haven’t cum yet either,” you said.

Without a second thought, your hand reached down and wrapped around him. He jumped and his muscles twitched. You slowly moved your fist up and down.

“Hey,” Liam managed to say through his whimpers, “I wanna help too.” And he reached over.

You all helped each other get off. Touching and jerking until they both finally squirted their load and leaned against you.

You all rested on each other. Their hair tickled your skin. Your wrist hung limply as it rested. You didn’t know how long you stayed there.

“Are we ready to get back to the castle?” you asked.

Liam nodded.

Alfons stood up straighter and the corners of his mouth curved up. “Shall we all sleep together once we’re back.”

Liam said “Oh, that’s probably a good idea,” while you laughed.

[staawberru]

my childhood friend wrote a gay omegaverse faction about me! Chapter 3

a/n wish my editor well they where vary scared editing this chapter

chapter one | next chapter | last chapter | masterlist

Jobie pov

    The date is going horribly. Kendyl and I are sitting inside of this cute cafe waiting for our food. You’d think on a date you’d want to talk to the person you're with, hold hands, kiss even. Not like anyone would want to kiss that animal. But now me and Kendyl are sitting awkwardly. That’s not important right now though, you didn’t say anything about Kendyl, you didn’t scream or yell or even get mad! What a joke. I mean, would you at least be a little jealous? I kissed him for god sake! the thought of your childhood friend getting in a relationship would anger you, shouldn’t it? And that girl! She dared talk to what’s mine! Ugh this is sickening! I need to go home, chill by myself, and wash my mouth. Like ew, I’d think kissing this dog multiple times would help me get used to it, but no, unfortunately, honestly it’s getting worse. I glared at Kendyl. He was back to scrolling on his phone, uncaring. He was such a useless person, and he doesn’t even care about me, he doesn’t love me. The only thing that’s important about me is that I’ll help get what he wants. The reason he asked me to date him was just to piss off his parents, and after the whole thing blows over, he’s just going to push me away. It doesn’t bother me though. I'm using him too, to get you. He doesn’t matter, it's you, you're the important one, you're the one who matters, you're the one that cares about me… in your own weird way. You may not like to say anything to me, or be around me, but I know you care for me. I know it. You wanted to tell me something earlier, you probably wanted to apologize or tell me you love me, and the way you got all close, and you even blushed! I mean, you wouldn’t do that to someone you hate, you just don’t! That has to be proof of your love. Can we talk about your face when I grabbed your arm, I mean you were totally terrified! You just didn’t show it fully, but I’ll make you show it. Oh to have you under my grasp, to make you the one all weak, the one to shuffle in embarrassed under me. It sounds like heaven, but that heaven is far. Not impossible though.

  I look at my phone and I see my new obsession update “ways on how to catch a darling”. It was a semi popular manhwa made recently. The whole plot was about this young guy stalking his crush to the point that they kill themselves and the guy decides to write a story, and it’s the story you're reading. It was so interesting the emotions were perfect and it honestly reminded me of you. The way the darling was all confident and proud and at the slightest inconvenience they crumbled. Now I’m not crazy, I don't want you to die. Just to listen to my every command, is it that hard? 

   “So why were you hanging out with him?” Kendyl asks as he takes a sip of his drink. I glare at him. He has no right to talk about you, especially in such a demeaning way. 

   “He’s my friend,” I say. There is no way I’m letting this animal talk about you badly, you’re too precious. Kendyl chuckles and shakes his hand.

    “I saw the way he looked at us, just like my parents.” Kendyl says, so clearly amused. I frown. I know you're homophobic but hearing it out loud made it worse for whatever reason, but I know that one day you’ll accept me, accept us.

   “I know,” my response was short and direct. I was done talking about you to that animal. He doesn’t deserve to say your name, or talk about you, or even think about you. I scowl. I'm sick of looking at his face.

   “Hey, this reminds me of this one movie I watched,” Usually I ignore him when he starts talking about his pornos, but he says something that catches my attention. “This guy is all tough and whatever and he's all football and shit.” Kendyl used air quotes to make his point. “Anyway, he has this girlfriend who likes totally the dumb blond type and then one day she was murdered ooOOOo,” he said sarcastically. “Anywho, turns out this twink killed her because he was jealous and wanted the jock guy all to himself. And the twink totally fucked the shit out of the jock.” he laughs. “I mean it’s funny this small guy manhandled a 6 '5 beast.” Kendyl laughs harder. “And like-,” I stopped listening there. I didn’t want to listen to him rant anymore then I had to, but something he said intrigued me. Well multiple things, first the jock sounded just like you and the blond bitch seems a lot like the purple haired girl I saw texting you earlier. And the twink, I hate to sound like Kendyl but a small guy like that killing someone sounds funny. I mean imagine me killing somebody, me! Imagine me killing Kendyl or that freak texting you or maybe even my sister, I saw the way you ogle her. God to be the one who you stare at like that. Oh I wonder if you would be scared of me then. Of course you would! I can be the one to manhandle you, be the one to bend you over to see the tears run down your cheeks, it would be just perfect! But I know it would never happen. Well, maybe in a fanfiction or story. Maybe I can live out my dreams in a fanfiction, a yaoi omegaverse fanfic! Omegaverse has always been my favorite. But it can just be about me and you, well maybe I can add Kendyl so I can kill him off, and maybe that purple haired bitch, but make her a guy. I don’t even want to write about her, so maybe making her a guy will make it slightly better, same with my sister. 

   “I have to go,” I say, not willing to hear Kendyl’s voice anymore. 

   “Huh? What about the food?” He asked. I glared but gave him ten bucks to pay for it. Not wasting another second, I rush home and start to write. I’m no longer going to be the sweet innocent little Jobie anymore, I’m no longer going to be the Jobie who freaks out when you swear, I’m no longer the Jobie who follows you around like a loser, and I’m no longer the Jobie you can push around. I will be the Jobie who you look up to, the Jobie who saves you from this horrible place, these horrible people. I might not be able to in the real world, but in this book I’m going to write I will be.

[daydreamgoddess14]

For a fluffy River fic maybe have an OC fix him up when he gets back to Slough House a bit worse for the wear. You know he’d hate the fuss of it.

I looooove this!! Just for you lovely, hope you enjoy! 🥰

Stitches

The last horse had bolted at exactly 5.03pm - Standish - she’d at least called out a goodbye on her way past but you were still eyeball deep in the files you’d been working on all day. You assumed that somewhere in the upper echelons of the building Lamb was asleep with his feet up on his desk. You didn’t mind, he didn’t bother you and you didn’t bother him - there was a mutual ignoring which was working well. Head down, get the work done, don’t cause trouble. No one else seemed remotely capable of abiding by that though. Your officemate, River, hadn’t been seen since god knows when (11.06am). You weren’t particularly on speaking terms since the thing you liked to call the incident. Some idiot had suggested drinks after work one night and you’d managed to make a total fool of yourself and were hereby serving a vow of silence. You were one step away from a nunnery. Maybe in the Alps… you could do a great Maria Von Trapp. You absentmindedly hum ‘Climb every Mountain’ while you work. You don’t know when it got dark but the glare of your computer screen is starting to hurt your eyes. You take a break, pressing your palms into your eye sockets. There’s shuffling on the other side of the door and you assume it’s just Lamb. Until the swearing starts. 

“Ow shit fuck shit,” River hisses. You stay rooted to your chair. The vow of silence must be maintained. There’s a clatter of what you think is the first aid kit so you cautiously get to your feet and peer around the door to the kitchen. “You’re still here?” He asks, surprise evident in his face.

“Finishing some files.”

“They don’t pay overtime, you know.” There’s an awkward silence when you don’t respond until you can’t ignore the blood he’s dripping onto the floor any longer.

“What have you done?”

“Ahh, s’nothing. I’ll ermm, get that cleaned up. Don’t let me keep you.” You consider leaving but if he really died in this kitchen, it’d make a hell of a mess so you step further into the room and take the half unwrapped bandage from him.

“Show me?” He lifts his shirt and there’s a three inch gash on his side, just below his ribs. He wobbles just a little on his feet so you turn him just slightly and push him to lean on the table in the middle of the room.

“You don’t have to-” he starts. You shush him with a wave of your hand.

“I know I don’t. Take off your shirt.” There’s a pause while you both process the words you’d just spoken. As a gesture, you turn your back on him but it’s mostly to compose yourself rather than give him privacy. You find a fresh out of the packet j-cloth from under the sink and soak it in warm water, glancing into the poor excuse for a first aid kit to work out what - if anything - is usable.

“Honestly, I can manage this, it’s just a scratch.” You turn back to look at him, really look at him. As well as the gash on his side, he’s got a split lip, a cut above one of his eyes and bloody knuckles.

“You’re a mess.” You say, matter of factly. He has the grace to look sheepish. “This might sting.” You careful place the cloth over the cut, stemming the blood flow and cleaning the surrounding area. 

“That’s enough now, I’m fine.” He tries again, his large hand covering your smaller one. You stop what you’re doing to look at him and you realise that even though you’ve barely looked at him since the incident, you know every freckle.

Roddy has an arm slung over your shoulders, making you both sway very ungracefully and not at all in time to the music that blares out of the speakers across the room. He’s saying something to you but you’ll be damned if you know what. It’s so unbelievably loud, your ears ring. Louisa and River are deep in conversation and you catch them looking over at you before looking back to their drinks. They probably think you’re desperate if you’re letting Roddy put his arm around you, but you think, you think, he’s trying to tell you about a girl he’s into.

“I’m sure she likes you too Ho, maybe just be a bit less… incelly?” You hope you say it kindly but honestly, you’re about 4 double g&ts in so who knows.

“You think I’m incelly?” He asks, a little hurt.

“Well… a bit. Lay off the Andrew Tate podcasts, yeah?” You suggest, patting his hand while he looks glumly into his sickly Smirnoff Ice. Time for a break from ‘the Ho’, you tell yourself, following the signs for the loos. There’s a couple of steps and you’re not quite sure where you’re going so you nearly lose your footing until someone catches you. River.

“You ok? Is Ho bothering you?”

“Nah, just lamenting his love life. I told him he needs to be a bit less incelly.”

“Huh, that’d be a good start.” River says with a grin. He still has a hand on your waist and yours is still resting on his chest. Emboldened by the confidence only several strong gins can provide, you reach up on tiptoes and kiss him lightly. You’ve fancied him since the second you walked into Slough House but you’re sure he’s never even noticed you. Meek and quiet, you keep to yourself and endure the punishment of being a Slow Horse just like everyone else. It takes half a second, but he responds. He definitely responds, holding your waist a little tighter and kissing you a little more deeply until suddenly there’s fresh air between you both and your waist is cold. “Sorry, shouldn’t have done that. Sorry.” He says, and then he’s gone. Back down the steps and across the room where Louisa is watching with curiosity. Your cheeks flame, you don’t bother with the loos. You have your bag so you head straight for the exit before anyone else sees you.

“You’re not bleeding to death all over this kitchen.” You tell him, sternly, banishing the memory of the incident to the back of your mind. “Hold his tight, please.” You move your hand from under his and put his back down more firmly onto the wound. 

“S’not that bad.” He replies gruffly.

“It needs stitches.”

“Does not.”

“Yes River, it does. Back in a sec.” You leave him alone under the harsh fluorescent light of the kitchen and retrieve your own first aid kit from your bottom desk drawer along with a bottle of vodka. Slightly more generously packed than the one in the kitchen, you have surgical needles and thread and proper dressings. You wash your hands thoroughly, though you’re not sure it matters given the state of the kitchen.

“Where’d you get all that?” He asks.

“The vodka?”

“The first aid kid.”

“Old job. I’m going to stitch that up.” You tell him. He laughs but quickly realises it hurts too much and it makes the wound bleed again.

“Fuck, shit-” he curses as you move his hand and replace it with your own. “Thank you.” He mumbles gratefully. You gesture to the vodka with a nod of your head.

“Have a bit of that, and try to hold this without moving this time.”

“Yes boss.” You blush, looking into the first aid kit to set up what you need.

“Ready?”

“Am I going to have a horrible scar?”

“Not if you sit still.” You warn him. He stops shuffling, suitably admonished. “Might hurt a bit. I’ll try not to.”

“I know you will.” He uncovers the wound again and you quickly apply a few steri-strips to hold it closed while you work. “That looks fine? We could just leave it like that?” He tries, though he can already see the blood pooling in the wound again.

“I’ll be quick.” You assure him. “Drink.” You're not sure if the grimace is from the neat vodka or your first incision with the needle, but he takes the pain well. You hear him breathing heavily through gritted teeth and it’s going well until he holds your left hand, the one you’ve got resting just above the wound while you stitch with your right hand. He grips your fingers tightly. “You’re doing really well, keep breathing through the pain,” you soothe him softly, your breath on his stomach raising goosebumps. 

“You’re good at this,” he says, surprised.

“I know I am.” His grip is less tight on your hand as you get closer to the end of the wound. “Nearly done.” You finish up and carefully clear the dried blood from around the wound before covering it with a large self adhesive gauze pad. Your cool hands brush over his skin as you press the edges of the adhesive down. “You could do with keeping it dry for a day or two.” You tell him, clearing your throat. Now you’re not concentrating on the stitches, the proximity is intoxicating. Searching for purpose, you turn your attention to his face. “You’re a mess.” You say.

“I know.” You turn away and wash the blood from your hands and then check the tiny freezer compartment of the fridge. “What you looking for?” You turn, victorious, with an ancient ice lolly. You wrap it in a clean cloth and place it against his swollen split lip. “I’m fine now, really, no more blood. You don’t need to do this.” He protests.

“I know.” You reply and instead begin cleaning the cut above his eye. To get close enough, you have to stand between his knees and you wonder if he can tell your heart is pounding. The cut just needs a couple of steri-strips so you apply them and step out of his orbit, happy to put some space between you both. 

“About before?” He starts awkwardly, messing with the wrapper of the ice lolly he’s moved away from his mouth. You feel your stomach drop to your knees.

“Please don’t-” you don’t care if your voice is pleading.

“I wanted to tell you,” he tries to catch your eye but you’re determined to look anywhere except at him until he takes your hand and pulls you back to him. “I wanted to tell you I was sorry.” He explains.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. I made a horrible mistake. I just want to forget it ever happened.”

“That’s why you’ve been ignoring me?”

“I wouldn’t say ignoring exactly-”

“I would.” 

“Fine,” you huff. “Yes, that’s why I’ve been ignoring you. Please, River, can we just forget it?” His eyes drop to your lips.

“Is that really what you want?” He asks. You nod unconvincingly. Very unconvincingly. He raises his good eyebrow in disbelief, a sure sign he’s about to argue with you. “Really?” He asks again, quietly, almost pleading with you to change your mind. This time, your head shakes ever so slightly from side to side.

“No.” You whisper.

“No. So can I kiss you now?” 

“I’m not sure,” you begin, your fingertips lightly brushing his swollen lip, “I don’t want to hurt you?”

“I don’t think you could.” He smiled, leaning in to claim a long awaited real kiss.

********

[liannelara-dracula]

Gardening w Yuma [BF Hcs]

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Prompt

Requests are open

Rules

Warning:

*certain words have been/may be censored for Tumblr guidelines.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

🌱 Wow, you're in for a lot when you work with him.

🌱But its mostly fun and games.

🌱And he always wants you to help, its very rare that he gardens alone because he has your company now, and you're basically the only other person who is allowed in there.

🌱Yuma has honestly taught you a lot about gardening so you know a lot more than when you first started so he feels less of a need to supervise, still he is the expert tho.

🌱In fact there are some plants you're not allowed to tend to because they're tricky plants and he doesn't believe you're there yet.

🌱However, he does have a big spot for you in his heart, little does he want to admit so that's why he has a small gardening section where you plant the flowers you like.

🌱It's probably one of the sweetest things he's done because he built the small gardening area just for you.

🌱So it's honestly sweet.

🌱He has thing wear he likes that you wear white clothes a lot and he loves to get them wet.

🌱Gardening with him means you witness a shirtless Yuma all the time.

🌱He’s always taking it off because he feels hot.

🌱“Damn it’s hot.” He’d admit taking off his tank top.

🌱If you’re staring he finds it amusing that you avert your eyes when he looks in your direction.

🌱“Hey, don’t think you’re sly. I know you’re lookin’.” He’d chuckle, making you blush as you look away.

🌱“I’m not.” You’d say as he walked over to you as you turned away to not look at him.

🌱“Ya right, liar.” He’d point out pinching your cheek causing you to turn and face him.

🌱“Ow!” You’d whine causing him to laugh.

🌱You’d hold your cheek with a pout on your face. “What was that for?!”

🌱“For slackin’ lil pig.” He’d say.

🌱“I was taking a break.” You’d defend.

🌱“Watching me?” He’d smirk, his question being more suggestive.

🌱You’d blush, “shut up!”

🌱If he assigns you the work, he usually gives you the easy stuff.

🌱Although he will give you hard tasks because he likes to see you struggle.

🌱Like he will make you carry something so heavy which he knows is hard to lift and then have you ask him for help after struggling.

🌱One thing he likes to do is harvest with you so you usually hold the basket while he picks the fruit or vegetables and since you are distracted with holding and waiting he likes to steal a kiss from you.

🌱It’s mostly cause you won’t expect this and he gets to see you blush.

🌱He also does this when your planting a flower into a pot and you’ll be fixated on the soil and plant that he watches you for a little bit before crouching down and randomly crashing his lips onto yours.

🌱"Huh, you're beet red, lil' pig." He'd chuckle as you looked away.

🌱"Shut up!"

🌱He will get you muddy😭

🌱He doesn’t care cause he’s not afraid of dirt so he will get you dirty.

🌱In fact it usually starts with him chasing after you in the garden and then tackles you to floor, or in the dirt which is muddy.

🌱And he literally does it on purpose because you don’t like it.

🌱“Yuma! My clothes!”

🌱“Just take them off.” He'd suggest, already about to slide your clothes off.

🌱“No!” You'd argue, stopping his hand from lifting your shirt up.

🌱And because he gets carried away Ruki sometimes steps out and jokes around, “Hey you two, this isn’t the garden of Eden.” He’d laugh seeing Yuma had tackled you to the floor leaving you to look away in embarrassment.

🌱Ruki really enjoys you and Yuma's company all the time so he's not bothered by you two arguing or anything.

🌱He kinda finds it amusing.

🌱Speaking of dirt, when he kisses you he sometimes cups your face with his hands and gets dirt on your cheek.

🌱Oh and if you're wearing white as I said before he likes to put his dirty hand on your ass to leave his hand imprint on your clothes until you wash them. And you hate him for it.

🌱He once did it when his hands were muddy and he just thought it was funny but you were upset.

🌱He likes to turn the hose on and get your clothes wet.

🌱You are usually the one who starts the water fight but when he gets involved it’s not pretty.

🌱And then the next thing you know he’s just looking at your clothes clinging to your body and being completely see-through and he’s tired of waiting.

🌱He also likes it when the clothes are wet if you're not wearing a bra.

🌱And if your nipples stand out that’s a plus to him.

🌱Fucks you up against the window to the house that is by the garden. Even you usually tell him to wait, since you don't want anyone else to see.

🌱He also loves to fuck you in the garden on just the freaking dirt or grass and doesn’t care to get you a mat.

🌱Well not until you insisted.

🌱He likes to mess around with you a lot so he sometimes walks by to lift up your dress.

🌱“Yuma!” You’d gasp, causing him to smirk.

🌱"Just checking." He'd laugh, causing you to glare at him.

🌱He probably has a couple of fruit trees so you sometimes sit up on the tree to put the fruit in the basket and he likes to watch you.

🌱Especially if you're wearing a skirt or long shirt that exposes your legs and possibly even your ass.

🌱“You tryin’ give me a show, lil’ pig?” He’d grin, grabbing your ass.

🌱“Stop.” You’d say trying to ignore him as you’d push his hand away and adjust your clothes.

🌱He’d leave you be because he doesn’t want you to fall but he gets a kick out of seeing you adjust your clothes over and over again.

🌱“You’re cute.” He’d grin, making you blush.

🌱“Yuma, stop. You’re going to make me fall—ah!” You’d scream as you lost balance, but he’d of course catch you since he’s right by.

🌱I mean he’s like as tall as the tree how hard could it be.

🌱You had closed your eyes but opened them after realizing you were in his arms.

🌱“You’re so light. You weigh as much as a piglet.” He’d point out.

🌱“Hey—“ Before you could say anything he’d steal a kiss from you to keep you quiet.

🌱He really likes kissing you, and he corners you by the tree. Yuma even gives you hickies if he’s really in the mood.

🌱“Yuma, stop.” You’d giggle trying to push him off your neck since it tickled. He was getting too handsy already in the morning.

🌱Speaking of handsy, he always trying to take off your clothes, which means sliding the straps of the dress off and trying to expose your chest.

🌱Though he likes doing this he’d be mad if someone like Kou walked in on you both.

🌱“Hey guys—oh my bad I didn’t know your girl was here too.” Kou would laugh seeing him pull you behind him to cover you protectively.

🌱“Damn it man, get out!” Yuma would shout to which you held him back by the arm, preventing him from fighting with him as you still stood behind him, adjusting the top of your dress.

🌱“Okay, but let me know when I’m an uncle at least.” He’d joke leaving you both alone again.

🌱“That little—“

🌱“Yuma, it’s okay he didn’t see anything.” Even though he does believe you he’s going to interrogate him just to make sure.

🌱r.i.p kou

🌱Sometimes he makes you wear one of his shirts instead. Because it’s basically like a dress on you.

🌱He also likes braiding your hair if you say it's really hot outside.

🌱And he's pretty good at it, don't tell him that tho, though he doesn't like to talk about it.

🌱Mostly cause he doesn't want his brothers to know.

🌱He sometimes feeds you a sugar cube, mouth to mouth of course. Usually, after he's done braiding your hair, or if you two have finished gardening for the day.

🌱Apart from gardening he also does handy work so he sometimes repaints the fence or repairs areas outside.

🌱And he always paints shirtless, and has you paint with him.

🌱Of course he gets an idea in his head tho.

🌱“Hey what’s that?” He’d ask, getting your attention and having you look elsewhere keeping you distracted, allowing him to dab paint on your nose with his finger.

🌱“Yuma!”

🌱He casually grabs your ass while you’re watering the plants or picking fruit.

🌱 Sometimes you argue with him about what to plant in terms of flowers and it's just really silly banter.

🌱I mean it gets so bad that you end up calling him Farmer, which he doesn't like.

🌱"Alright that's it." He'd smirk, throwing you over his shoulder

🌱He makes fun of you for getting tired sometimes he will catch you yawning or almost losing balance. "Tired already, lil' pig?"

🌱"Huh? No, I'm okay." You'd smile, trying to shake off your tiredness.

🌱 "C'mere." He'd say, before putting you on his back to give you a piggyback ride.

🌱He usually does this when you are really tired, so he gives you a piggyback ride around the garden and he just keeps working with you on his back.

🌱Likes to have his arms around your waist while to both admire the garden, he usually resists his chin on your head.

🌱“So when is that idiot gonna be an uncle?”

🌱“Yuma!”

🌱“What?!”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

˗ˏˋ 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑦 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝐼 𝑑𝑜 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑜𝑤𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑠 ˎˊ˗ ©𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟔~Present

[enid-rhees]

hey!!! i wanted to request an enid x fem!reader modern au where they go to the same school and enid has like a one sided rivalry with the reader and the reader is oblivious as to why enid doesn’t like her until they end up hanging out at a house party, maybe smoking on the roof or wtv, and enid admits that she doesn’t actually hate the reader and that the reason she gets so mad all the time is because she likes the reader and doesn’t know what to do about it. and then they kiss 😛 thank u sm!!!

i (don’t) hate you || enid rhee x fem!reader

warnings: a bit of angst, weed (smoke responsibly!)

a/n: thank you for requesting, anon! i am such a sucker for non-apocalyptic stories for Enid, so i really loved writing this 🫶🏻 Enid icon made by @elisiassideb1tch 💙

Enid Rhee Masterlist

you didn’t know when or how it started, really. you had never been mean or said anything mean to Enid, but yet, she treated you like you killed someone.

everyday in the classes you had together, you were always met with stabbing glares from Enid whenever you made eye contact with her. and the thing was, you honestly wanted to be her friend. you’ve attempted to talk to her before, but she would only give you a dirty look and walk away.

today wasn’t any different.

you sat in the seat you were assigned to in your fifth period class: English. students started to fill up the class, and you managed to catch Enid walk past you as quick as she could. oh, you forgot to mention, you share more than one class with Enid, and this happened to be one of them.

her perfume briefly filled your nose, and you couldn’t help but close your eyes at the sweet scent. everyone sat down in their seats and the teacher stood up from her desk. Mrs. Smith was her name.

“alright, today, i have set up a project for all of you.” groans and whines filled the room, and Mrs. Smith rolled her eyes and waved her hands. “all you need to do is read one of these books i have sitting up here with me, and you’ll need to write an essay explaining the plot and moral of the story. and you’ll be doing this with a partner.”

oh god, you thought. you pretended not to care by scribbling doodles on your notebook in front of you as Mrs. Smith started to read out names.

“Enid and Y/N!” Mrs. Smith suddenly announced. your pencil froze in your hand and you slowly looked up at her, and then at Enid. you met her eyes, Enid didn’t look happy. what a surprise.

Enid raised her hand, “can i work on this alone?” your eyes lingered on Enid still, and you swore you felt your heart drop a bit. you really didn’t understand what she had against you. and you couldn’t lie, it hurt.

“oh, um, sure. Y/N, you could work alone too or find someone else. it’s up to you.” you sighed and nodded. “i’ll just work alone.” you said quietly.

Mrs. Smith clapped her hands together once. “okay! you’re all in pairs or working alone. now, ill be passing out the books. and the book i give you is the one you do your project on, so do not try and beg for a new one.”

you could really care less about which book she gave you; you’d read anything that came your way. you continued scribbling in your notebook until Mrs. Smith dropped a book on your desk.

Romeo and Juliet, great.

“i got paired with Henry for that English project.” Carl told you, mindlessly playing with his food in the cafeteria. “yeah? good for you.” Carl furrowed his eyebrows at the way you responded. “what’s up with you?”

you sighed and dropped your piece of food. it really wasn’t that good anyway. “i got paired with Enid for that stupid project. but literally right after Mrs. Smith called our names, she asked to work alone. so that left me with working alone as well. i’m just.. frustrated.”

“isn’t that a good thing? i thought you didn’t like her.” you groaned, “no! i’ve never hated her, Carl! i wanted to be her friend, but she’s the one that acts cold towards me, and i haven’t done anything to her. that’s why i’m so frustrated.”

Carl only shrugged, “i don’t know, then. it’s weird, but it seems like there’s nothing you can do. just try to ignore her whenever you can. don’t pay any attention to her, maybe she’ll finally stop.”

you nodded, “yeah, i guess i’ll try. see what happens.” you looked down at your food, “can we go? i can’t stand looking at this stuff.” you asked, grimacing down at your food. Carl laughed, “yeah, we can go. wanna head to the library?”

“yeah, i wanna work on this project.” you and Carl both stood up and walked over to the trash cans to throw your trays away. when you turned back around, you stumbled back as someone’s shoulder ran into yours. you turned around again, watching as Enid threw her tray away and began to walk away as if nothing just happened.

you let out a deep sigh and began walking towards the exit and straight to the library. Carl found a table near the back and you dropped your bags down on one of the chairs and pulled your laptop out. “don’t you need to read the book first?” Carl questioned.

“i can’t tell you how many times i’ve read Romeo and Juliet because of English class. and the plot and moral isn’t that hard to understand. i can knock this out in ten minutes.” you shrugged.

“i don’t think Henry knows shit about the book Mrs. Smith gave us.” Carl sighed, making you chuckle. “what book?”

“The Hunger Games.” he responded. “oh, you’re so lucky. i would much rather have that.” you whined, opening up a Google doc. then, an idea popped in your head, and you remembered that Carl had been begging you to go to this upcoming party with him. “okay… i’ll tell you what.”

“since this is going to take me around ten minutes, i’ll do the project for you and Henry. and you finally shut the fuck up about Ron’s party. okay? we got a deal?”

“deal. but you’re still going.” you sighed. “whatever. you also owe me a pizza.” Carl groaned while you smirked over at him. “we need to stop doing things for each other.” he sighed.

you began to type away on your laptop, and Carl had quickly told you he would be right back to use the bathroom.

“do you have to be everywhere i am?” a voice of clear annoyance spoke. you looked up, not surprised to see Enid. you laughed, “i’ve been here for like, five minutes, Enid. you’re the one who walked in after me. stop acting like i’m some freak who’s following you around.”

“i’m just tired of seeing you. i’m tired of your face, your voice, just looking at you is irritating the fuck out of me.” you honestly didn’t know what to say back, why is she saying all of these things? she can easily turn around and walk away, but instead, she’s making her problem yours.

“Enid, if you hate me so bad, then leave me the fuck alone. you are constantly making your own life harder by talking to me. you make me feel like fucking shit for no reason, you go out of your way to say these things and blame me for it! just leave me alone!” you cried out, and some heads turned towards you, including the librarian. you didn’t know where the sudden outburst came from, you’ve been holding it in for a while.

Enid was silent. she looked down at the ground before turning on her heel and walking out of the library. Carl came back just then, turning to look at Enid and then back at you. “what just happened?”

“nothing.” you said quickly, taking a deep breath. “i’m almost finished with this. we can go home afterwards.”

you could hear the music blaring through speakers outside, before you can even get inside the house. people crowded outside as well, some sitting alone with a beer can, and some with their tongues down another’s throat.

you walked past all of them and opened the front door, there were even more people here than outside. Carl stayed right behind you, eyes scanning around the place. “i’m gonna find Henry. stay safe, alright? just text me if we need to leave.” Carl shouted over the music. you nodded and began walking over to the drinks. Ron definitely stole the various six packs of beer, but you weren’t complaining as you cracked one open.

walking around the house, you started to realize why you really hated parties. it was hot, the music was overwhelmingly loud and people screaming over it didn’t help. in every corner, there was someone making out with a person they probably wouldn’t remember tomorrow.

and now with Carl not by your side, you really didn’t know why you were even here. you thought about leaving, but you knew he’d probably get drunk and you’d have to hold his hand like a child all the way home.

a tap landed on your shoulder. you turned around, and of course, it was Enid. you sighed and began to walk away, but she grabbed your hand. “wait,” she began. “come with me. please.”

you debated on pulling your arm away from her and telling her to fuck off, but the way she looked at you made it near impossible. you nodded, “fine.”

Enid led you outside, and then to a gate that went up to the roof. the two of you climbed it, and sat on the center of the roof. you looked out over the other houses, you hadn’t seen a view like this before. Enid tapped your shoulder again and handed you a joint. you didn’t even question why she had it. “thanks.” you mumbled, and she reached over to light the end for you.

you put the joint between your lips and inhaled deeply. the smoke filled your lungs and you closed your eyes in utter relaxation. then you looked back at her, “why’d you bring me up here, Enid? didn’t insult me enough today?”

Enid began to speak, and then she cut herself off with a sigh and dropped her head in her hands. “god, i’m so sorry.” she whispered. you furrowed your eyebrows. then she looked up at you. “i’m so sorry. i… i’m such a terrible person.”

“Enid-“ you started.

“i don’t hate you.” Enid blurted. “i never hated you. but i made you think i did because im so… goddamn stupid.” you shook your head slowly, “i don’t understand, Enid.”

“i like you. so much. im practically in love with you. but… a girl has never made me feel the way that you do. and i got scared. so i did what i thought was best but i was only hurting myself, and hurting you even more in the process. i’m so sorry.”

you could only stare at her. you didn’t know what to say. Enid never hated you, in fact, it was the total and complete opposite of that. she liked you, like… like liked you. your heart started to beat faster and faster.

“i’m-i’m not expecting you to forgive me. i totally understand. i’ve been such an asshole to you and i don’t deserve-“ Enid was cut off when you slammed your lips onto hers. it took her a few minutes to process, but then she was kissing you back just as hard. Enid gripped your waist and kept you close to her as your lips moved perfectly against each other; fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece.

the kiss continued, neither of you wanted to pull away from each other. even though you were almost out of breath, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop.

when you did pull away, Enid was breathless and she couldn’t stop looking down at your lips. “wow,” she laughed, and you laughed along. when her eyes met yours, you got lost in them immediately.

a smirk made its way to your lips. “you have a lot of making up to do for putting me through all of that for months.” Enid laughed, “i can’t argue with that. tell me what you want, it’s yours.”

“you.” you whispered, bringing her lips back to yours.

[egirlfanficmaker]

~The obey me Brothers with an mc that act very like 7 virtues headcanons~

For the sake of the story let’s say Mc is half angel and half human but no one knows about the angel part, and that is why you act like one of the 7 virtues

Hope you guys like this, plus i do like mc or y/ns are that kinda innocent like mostly because I’m not

Lucifer

•He kinda knows about you being half angel like come on-

•But when he sees how humility you are he knows something is non-human

•at first he would kinda hate the fact you act like this

•It just reminded him when he was an angel

•But he does hate it when others are prideful hypocrite

•So when you and him started dating he could always be prideful about things you have done if that makes scenes

when you say something about how it isn’t that amazing he would just stare at you 

“Why are you always putting yourself down?”

You would explain you just like to be honest with yourself and the things you have done

He would explain how he thinks that an amazing thing

Honestly he just thinks it’s amazing how you can be so honest about everything

Mammon

•He thinks it stupid, Why are so charitable

•then he gets the idea! He can get money from you

•then he starts falling for you then stops asking Grimm for you

•But honestly you hearing every demon or angle or human talking about how they need Grimm and how you would give some to them

•Mammon would get hella mad

•Like either you keep your own Grimm or he gets it

•And if someone takes advantage or you he take the Grimm back and give it back to you

•“human, stop giving YOUR Grimm to people who don’t care about you”

•after time he does like how caring you are and thinks it’s really sweet of you how you will give anything to anyone

•But he still hates it

Asmo

•Oh my, you- this will be hell for you

•he finds your Chastity funny

•he will say sexual shit just to see how you react

•slowly this is just a game for him how much sexual things he can say around you before you walk away

•you’ll cover your ears when he does this or walk away

•then when you 2 start dating, hm. He wants to Corrupt you into sexual things

•”oh bay please~ 1 time won’t hurt~ i know what you do late at night when everyone is asleep~”

•but you hold up for a VERY long time

•but after time you would go to his room late at night a blushing mess

•you just explain how your needy looking down and when you look up, he has a very smug smirk

•”ahh, so you finally want to do this with me~?”

•that night was very sweet and nice ;)

Oki- I’m done i just had to get this idea out of my head, if someone wants a part 2 requests are open so yea



[onceuponalegendbg]

Ok so, I just wanted to kind of pick apart my problems with the Arlong Arc in the Live Action a bit. And I’m going to avoid the whole “needed more time/should have cut some of the marine storyline” complaint and just focus on the details that didn’t quiet work and were kind of baffling.

And I want to reiterate this before I get into it: I loved the Live Action. It was fun and goofy and the passion behind it was palpable. And this isn’t me going “argh, how dare they deign to change anything! I wanted a shot for shot remake! Argh!” No. I’m okay with changes. I love that all we get of Don Kreig is Mihawk humiliating and then killing him because god was he annoying in the anime. Least favorite arc I sat through. Nami’s one on one conversation with Kaya? Fantastic! I’m not even that big of an OP fan, but this kind of made me wish I was.

I just really love the Arlong Arc in the anime (horribly paced fights aside). It’s honestly the only arc I care this much about so I wanted to talk about this.

- Arlong’s Betrayal: Ok, so in the anime Arlong makes it very clear that he will let Nami and Coco Village go once she hands over 100 Million Berry. It’s made explicitly clear that he’s a fishman of his word and that he’d never go back on a deal involving money. And then of course he sends Nezumi to steal Nami’s money once she has it all. Ok. So that’s all pretty much the same in OPLA.

However, in the anime, Arlong does not immediately move to destroy the Village. In fact, when Nami comes charging in after realizing Arlong’s betrayal claiming he broke his word, his reply is “When? When did I go back on our deal exactly?” Because he technically didn’t! And instead of moving to destroy Coco Village, he tells Nami (to paraphrase), “guess you’ll just have to start over with stealing all that money because a deal’s a deal. Oh, and if you think about bailing then I’ll kill everyone in the village.” This way Arlong keeps both his chart maker and he gets to keep extorting the Village. This shows that Arlong is very cunning and slick, as well as a terrifying force.

But, in OPLA, that’s not the case. The fact that Arlong in OPLA is really just going to wipe out the village now that Nami got all that money is so wasteful. And if there was one thing Arlong wasn’t, it was wasteful. If he could use someone he’d do it, provided they paid his fee. Arlong in OPLA, while still a decent threat (the actor does give him some serious presence), he kind of comes across as an idiot.

- Nojiko/Village Knowing: In the anime, we find out very quickly that Nojiko did know about Nami’s deal with Arlong. Little Nami told her sister after they made it, and after Little Nami put on a big show of betraying the village so they wouldn’t go fight and die. The kicker is, when Nezumi comes to take Nami’s money, Genzo reveals that the village also knew about her deal, and pretended to hate her so that she wouldn’t feel bound to come back if she ever decided to leave, to escape Arlong.

Also, because Nojiko knew, she got her tattoos as a sign of solidarity. Little Nami talked about how she hated her tattoo and how it made her feel like Arlong owned her. So Nojiko, being the amazing sister she is, got her tattoos so Nami wouldn’t feel so alone. It was a symbol of their bond. Now in OPLA I guess she just… got tattoos… because they’re cool?

- The lead up to the breakdown: Okay, so this one kind of lends into the “they needed more time” category but also I just wanted to mention this. While I still say Emily Rudd gives the best performance in the series here (my opinion, don’t @ me) and I did feel emotions, I really feel like we needed just that extra smidge more.

We needed that moment where everyone is ready to fight and then Nami walks up, putting on the biggest, most fake smile, ready to absolutely throw herself onto a metaphorical sword again so that everyone she loves won’t run toward their deaths, only for Genzo to pull her into a hug and tell her “it’s okay. You’ve done enough. You’ve carried this burden too long by yourself. The least we can do is try to win our freedom ourselves now, and if we die then… hey, you’ll be free.” So when the Village ignore her pleas to stop and move to basically die, Nami finally just collapses because everything she worked for, everything she spent eight years trying to achieve was all for freakin nothing.

This moment more than anything shows who Nami is at her very core. And it just… doesn’t exist in OPLA.

- Rapid fire, minor complaints that don’t actually ruin anything but I did notice: It is really bizarre that they never say Bellemere’s name out loud. It’s on her grave marker but that’s it.

While I don’t think Nami should have been a baby when Bellemere found her and Nojiko, perhaps just a smidge younger?

The catalyst for the argument in which Bellemere slaps Nami after Nami says they aren’t an actual family. In the anime Nami says this because Bellemere has been skipping meals and only eating tangerines so that she can give all the food to her daughters. Nami’s guilt over that and the fact that she believes if Bellemere didn’t have to look after them she could afford to take care of herself leads into that fight and slap in the anime and it’s Genzo that tells Nami about Bellemere’s backstory after she runs away.

Could have used Nami denying help just a little more when Luffy stops her from stabbing her tattoo. Throwing dirt, telling him to leave, just this horrible last ditch effort before… “Luffy. Help me.”

[imsparky2002]

Mirrorverse Shorts - The Argument

A note. This short and all shorts that follow a filler short shall be in script format.

(IsmaGenie briefly follows Alix and Kim. He floats up to Alix, staring daggers at her.)

IsmaGenie: When this is done, I’m going to have a word with you. And it won’t be pretty.

Aladdix: This is bullshit, Kim!

Kimules: You’re out of line, Alix. You were tryna get her to fight you, when you knew she was sensitive about it.

Aladdix: You’re on her side?! After all that shit she did in freshman year?!

Kimules: You know damn well that’s not the case. You’re heated, and you need to breathe. End of discussion. Oh, and you better hope that Ismael’s cooled down enough by the time he gets here.

-

*Meanwhile, Zoe is taking Chloe to her room as well. Chloe already looks ashamed, and just wants to get the discussion over with.*

Chloestasia: I know, I know, I’m sorry, ok?! I just couldn’t take it anymore!

CinderZoe: Well the first way to prove that she’s wrong is by not taking the bait. She’s not able to cope with the fact that you’re trying to change, so she’s lashing out. We’re going to talk with her tomorrow, and this’ll start to resolve.

Chloestasia: I don’t hate her, Zoe. I promise, I just thought that if I beat her up there, she’d shut up about it.

CinderZoe: Well that’s not how the world works, ok? Think about it, did anyone else really seem like they wanted you to fail? Do you think everyone in this place hates you?

Chloestasia: No… but they could’ve come to my defence, right?

CinderZoe: They were probably too shocked to respond, and Kim defended you right? And Alix is one of his best friends.

Chloestasia: Yeah… I guess I just lost myself. Well, I’ll apologize to her tomorrow. I don’t even care if nothing changes. I just want to move on.

CinderZoe: Look, how about you sleep on it. Ok? You’ll be calmer in the morning.

Chloestasia: I don’t deserve you, you know that?

*Chloe sighs as she hugs her sister. She still has a lot of work to do, and she's trying her best.

-

*Alix frowned as she stared up at the ceiling of her room. She had just texted Chloe her apology, which was gratefully accepted. Honestly, she just wanted this day to be over and for everyone to act like nothing had happened. Mostly, she hoped she could avoid Ismael until he calmed down. An angry knock on the door killed that dream*

IsmaGenie: Don’t go thinking you were gonna get out of this! You and me, we’re going to have a talk!

Aladdix: Aw come on, man! I already aplogized, what more do you want me to do? *The genie floats in, not even bothering with any funny illusions or wisecracks. He's hopping mad.*

IsmaGenie: You know as well as I do that you apologized so it would be brushed under the rug, and so you could avoid this moment. Well, not a chance, sister!

Aladdix: Alright, go on. Yell at me and about how I'm the biggest moron in the world. *This actually makes Ismael even more furious. He knows exactly what she's doing. She's pulling an Adrien, well a Past Adrien to be fair, the boy had made a lot of progress from escaping those tactics. He's gonna yell at her alright, and gonna verbally slap some sense into her.*

IsmaGenie: Don’t do that, Alix. Don’t fucking try to pull that with me! You were wrong and you know it, that’s why you’re acting defensive, because of your god-damned pride! You made an ignorant comment at the WORST possible time, and when you were called out for that, you made a complete jackass of yourself, and attacked Chloé in front of not only our friends, but those evil psychos too! You KNOW she’s been working to improve herself, and you’re the only one who still gives her shit about it. Why?! You know what I think? I think you’re taking out your anger towards people from our past on someone who, while they may have deserved it before, doesn’t now! And that’s not okay at Alix, it’s not okay at all! And if Aus was here, he’d say the same thing, and you know it! So don’t go to him like you always do when we have a disagreement. We’re not leaving this room until you LEGITIMATELY admit that you fucked up!

*Aladdix looks stunned, and can barely squeak out a response* Aladdix: I know I fucked up alright? I knew it as soon as I made that comment during her meeting. I knew it all along.

*Ismael blinks, and sputters. Why did she keep going if she already knew she was wrong?*

IsmaGenie: Then what the fuck was all that down there?! If you knew you were wrong, then why did you try and make it worse? Especially in front of people you KNEW would take advantage of the situation!

Aladdix: BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO BE WRONG TOO!... I figured if she fought me, then I could pretend I was right. I know damn well that she's been getting better, ok? I know! I just... it felt good! It felt good to take her down a peg. It's a problem. allright! I like being right, and when I'm not, then I get stubborn. And it just so happens that even if I know Chloe's changed, I still hate her voice, her face, her personality, everything! I don't hate her, just everything she is!

IsmaGenie: And you think you’re the only one?! Half the time, it’s painful for me to be in the same room as her! Same as it is for Ivan, Juleka, Max, Denise, you get the gist! But where you go wrong is that you don’t try to confront and work through those feelings, you just let them boil over and it makes you act like an asshole at the worst possible times!

Aladdix: You're right, ok? It's just... I'll never be able to fully accept her, ok? I can leave her alone, let her do what she wants... but she will NEVER be my friend. I know about the trauma or whatever. But her parents put a roof over her head. I mean, look at Zoe, she was abused too, but she didn't treat me like garbage! And you can say, "Oh, Alix, her mom was so horrible to her, even if it was less than Zoe" BUT AT LEAST HER MOM'S ALIVE! *Begins to tear up* At least she has a dad even if he wasn't that good a parent. *Tears fall down her cheek*

IsmaGenie: *Calming down a little* Al… Aladdix: *Full on sobbing now* Her sister still loves her! *Punching the wall* MY. BROTHER'S. FUCKING. DEAD! *She lets out a rageful scream, before sobbing into IsmaGenie's arms* Aladdix: I HATE IT! IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DID MINE HAVE TO DIE?! WHY DOES SHE GET TO HAVE FAMILY?!

IsmaGenie: (Sighs) You don’t have to be her friend, Alix. Hell, I’m sure half of our friends feel the same way. I know that it still hurts, and it’s okay to be angry once in a while. And yes, Chloé doesn’t deserve to be fully forgiven for treating Zoe the way she did. Being abused doesn’t pardon being abusive yourself. I know you feel like she didn’t appreciate what she had, but you have to admit, having no mother is better than having Audrey Bourgeois, even if that doesn’t excuse her treatment of others. But you don’t have to suffer these feelings alone, you have me, you have Austin. You have Kim, Nathaniel, Marc and all our friends. We’re all here for you, you know that?

Alix: *Sniffing* Yeah... *Then frowns* I... I know. I guess I just felt like they were being too soft. Look, *Sobering up, still having watery eyes* I still am gonna hate everything about her... but I won't be a dick about it. I just... is it bad that if Chloe died, I'd only feel bad for Zoe. *Ismael clicks his teeth, oh boy. She was gonna leave Chloe alone, but to genuinely hear that Alix still hated her and didn't care if she died was... brutal.* IsmaGenie: Alix... Most of what you said I can accept. But... you don't plan on doing anything to Chloe, right? *She shakes her head rapidly. She's no killer*

Aladdix: Of course not, just…don’t expect me to be all warm and fuzzy with her! You know that’s not who I am!

IsmaGenie: No, it's just... Alix. We need to talk to the school's therapist. Aladdix: *Genuinely confused. Not even angry, just confused* Why? *Realizing* What about the... I don't care if Chloe dies thing?

IsmaGenie: Well, about that, and about how much you’ve actually been bottling up. This much anger isn’t healthy, Al. I’m worried about you.

Aladdix: *Sighs acceptively* Yeah... you're right. Alright, suppose it's worth a shot.

IsmaGenie: Alright. Let’s try to have a better day tomorrow. Well, as good a day as we can have with those loony counterparts of ours around!

Aladdix: Yeah, you know what? Maybe I'm just talking nonsense, and tomorrow, I'll be totally meh about Chloe! That's better than hating her guts, right? *She knows that she'll probably still find Chloe's face to be punchable, but maybe a little less*

IsmaGenie: (Chuckles) Maybe.

Here’s the argument that took place after the end of our first filler short. As you can see... Alix has some pent-up issues she’s been hiding. Thankfully, both her and Chloe have family and friends that can help them sort out their problems. Thanks to Weeby for helping me with the dialogue. I’ll be working on and hopefully releasing Rose soon to start the second wave of meetings! Make sure to reblog, reply, post and ask to share the content. @artzychic27 @msweebyness 

[teapotuser]

🌹—𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐔𝐋

• Violet’s opinions on Heartslabyul students.

—————————————

🌹—𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐃𝐋𝐄.𝐑

(Before overblot) Honestly doesn’t really care too much, neutral feelings on him.

They think his hair is cute, a nice shade of red and the heart shaped strands of hair fits him pretty well.

Grumbles about the fact that they’re the same height but Riddle gets to wear heels.

Finds it hard to believe he isn’t some 5th grader who thinks he’s the shit because his reading level is an 8th graders.

Instantly proved wrong about thinking he isn’t that smart— genuinely got embarrassed when Riddle showcased one(1) percent of his mega mind book smarts in a conversation that Violet overheard.

Gets really annoyed when Riddle gets upset, his loud voice irritates them.

Also gets scared when he’s mad, probably flinches whenever he yells lawl

“. . . He reminds me of a child. . . and I’m scared of children.”

(After overblot) Bro was SCARED of Riddle, tears forming in their eyes during the battle when he was yelling and the environment around them got all fucky-wucky.

When coming to the realization that Riddle could very well kill the other students Violet grew a pair and beefed the shit out of that bastard.

Hella salty Riddle messed up the tart they all helped make.

Of course they instantly forgave the poor guy when they learned his back story. Instantly knew that everyone in this damn school was going to have a gut-wrenching, soul-crushing back story. All that while looking all cute and shit.

Awkwardly tries their best to talk to Riddle, thinking it would be great to be friends after trauma bonding but uh. They chickened out every time, instead they make him a card and a handmade paper rose telling him how they wished to be friends.

Gets so embarrassed when Riddle comes up to them and asks them about the card.

Their friendship will certainly be interesting! Two hot tempered boabys, one of them being smart and the other being as stupid as shit.

“. . .why the hell didn’t he ignore the card and my existence as a whole? Now I need to interact with him. . . Maybe I can get his number, texting is so much easier.”

—————————————

♣️—𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐘.𝐂

(Before overblot) Does not like how much taller he is than them.

His height scares them. So does his face. Absolutely HATES his fedora. GENUINELY GOT MAD WHEN THEY SAW HIM WEAR IT. Like so angry that Trey himself noticed them get physically upset.

Doesn’t know much about his parents but he mentioned that they run a bakery, the way he talks about his parents makes Violet happy. More interested in meeting his parents than getting to know Trey himself.

When Trey mentions how passionate he is about keeping his teeth clean Violet tells him that they don’t wash their teeth everyday.

Damn near gave him a heart attack.

“My teeth are healthy though. . . Get the fuck away from me with that thing.” Actually scared at the sight of Trey menacingly walking towards them with a toothbrush.

(After overblot.) Pities him.

They don’t know what they would’ve done in his position.

Still thinks his fedora is fucking shit.

Appreciates his cooking skills more, especially when he said he would go out of his way to cook them meals that they liked after finding out Violet is vegetarian and struggles with textures.

Almost threw up when he used doodle suit and made a tart taste like spaghetti. The flavor and texture just fucked them over.

“. . .It’s a deal. I’ll brush my teeth everyday if you help me learn how to cook.”

—————————————

♦️—𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑.𝐃

(Before overblot) jumpscared when he appeared with his ginger hair.

Dark impulse told them to shave him bald in his sleep.

Cringed so hard when he started speaking in texting terms and they didn’t even try to hide the disgust on their face.

Got so insecure when he took a surprise picture of them to post they Violet almost beat the shit out of him.

Cater always asks before taking a picture with them in it after that.

“😂 while you can Cater. Soon you’ll be 😭.” How the hell did they say emojis out loud??

(After overblot) Hates Cater less.

Wow Violet actually uses their voice and gives Cater their number because it’s easier for them to talk like that? Crazy.

Cater sends cute posts.

Violet sends obscure and mildly concerning memes.

—————————————

♠️—𝐃𝐄𝐔𝐂𝐄.𝐒

(Before overblot) absolutely in love with this dude. Very scared of him but also blushing when in a mile radius of him.

Mostly scared of him until the egg accident. He was kind of an idiot but Violet loved that about him.

Sees him less as a weird crush and more as a friend after learning more about him. A good friend to have.

Violet admires how manly he is, partially jealous of it.

Cringes whenever they catch themselves staring at him for too long, probably shames themselves out of that little crush and sees him as just a friend.

Relates to his story.

“. . . I don’t have the heart to tell him that chocolate milk doesn’t come from brown cows.”

(After overblot) Laughed at him and Ace when they instantly lost the duel. felt a little bad about laughing. Just a bit. Apologized.

Got upset when Riddle came close to seriously hurting him.

Threw a knife at Riddle but missed and no one seemed to notice thankfully.

Apologizes for laughing after the battle is done.

Invites him for tea (which they definitely did not steal.)

“I can’t find my glasses but I can recognize that axe body spray from anywhere, come here Deuce.”

—————————————

♥️—𝐀𝐂𝐄.𝐓

(Before overblot) Finds him annoying and cocky. Wants to learn how to use magic to drop a brick on his head.

Also wants to shave him bald for being ginger.

Hates his stupid little heart theme.

Also almost beat the shit out of him for messing with Grimmy boy.

“Grim may not be an actual cat but he looks like one! And anyone who disrespects cats deserves to die! RAHHHHH”

(After overblot) Laughed at him losing the duel. Did not apologize to him.

Threw a rock at his head when he was being insensitive after Riddle literally vented about his tragic lore to them.

Tried to give him food poisoning.

Unfortunately became friends with him. They pretend to want to hit eachother with cars but deep down they are. . .alright friends teehee.

“Seven minutes in hell where we go into a closet and beat the shit out of each other.”

—————————————

End xx

Lawd have mercy on my soul. I’m so nervous about this. Uhm uhm Violet is my Yuusona!! The purple Barney looking ass bitch who I draw sometimes!!:!:1!1!

Lmk if this is vaguely interesting to anyone so I can write more (I will write part two with savanaclaw regardless x)

—

—

[dollfaceksj]

I haven’t done a review ina bit, I’m sorry :( my classes started so I’ve been a bit busy. Anyway tysm for updating so much, you’re one of the only authors I follow who uploads consistently & I appreciate it sm !! You truly do spoil us <3 let’s get into it … TWENTY FOUR?????!! Omg. Like. Omg. I loveeeeeee me some angst so this may be one of my fave chapters so far. Idk if you meant the note at the end to be angsty but I interpreted it like that a bit. Only because it sounded a tinsy bit sad in the beginning with the “since you don’t wanna hear me you’ll just have to read this” but then it was so cute with her little “p.s” remark!! I think I’m mostly thinking the note as a bit angsty bcs I just picture him waking up seeing she’s not next to him, waking up and looking for her & seeing the note & going ☹️ but then going 😒😒 because whatever she was an asshole anyway. But maybe I’m overthinking. I think it’s great that oc apologized + the extent that she apologized because I wouldn’t have imagined her being so insistent. I personally would’ve felt embarrassed after he ignored the first initial apology & would’ve just left when he walked away (ik she tried) but I like this for her, to me it shows compassion and maturity in her character. We still don’t know everyyyy thing about jk so I think it’s not fair to say he’s overdoing it because he honestly seemed genuinely bothered by her comment. Maybe it hurts so bad bc he hates how someone he holds on some sort of high regard (oc) can view him like that. The “fuck you” from last chapter hurt me too lowkey so again, shout out to oc for brushing it to the side and still apologizing. I think it’s so sweet how even though hes mad at her he still took care of her. He could’ve just ignored her and kept walking. Now that would’ve been an asshole thing to do, but he didn’t. I’m curious as to what he left to do for a few hours ngl 👀 like don’t tell me he went to go get some and then came home to oc💀💀 I’m laughing but I’m not (tbh I don’t really think he did that but this is me just thinking). The kiss was so hawt too & when he’s all demanding🥵🥵 “sit down” “go to sleep, I don’t want to hear you anymore”. I need to chill ik. Idk if he kissed her just to shut her up or if he was so touched by her apology he just felt the need to kiss her. I wonder if the angst will continue or will there be any reconciliation next part!! I can’t wait !!! (Sorry this was so long)

i love this 😭😭 thank you for sharing ur thoughts i love reading yalls thought process so much!

i leave a lot up to y’all interpretation because personally it’s still an improv series in my eyes and i just want you guys to go with the vibe, unlike when i have a story planned out and people read the characters wrong.

w this i like that yall analyze so deeply and pay attention to these details and are moved w some of their actions just as much as i am. i really love that yall love reading this story as much i love writing it

thanks for being amazing <33

[ocean-anchored]

What am I even feeling. It’s like I feel extremes on both sides. One day I’m all in & im excited and just want to marry him. The next day I’m picking things apart wondering if I’m being misled or question if I’m hearing from God. Question if I’m moving too fast. Question if I’m making the wrong choices out of emotion.

Why do I act so petty? Like I’ve just been the one sacrificing coming out there the last 3 weeks? Which is fine, but then idk. What did I expect? I should be appreciating that he’s making an effort to come out tmrw night for Sunday. But it was meaning a lot if he would come meet Melissa. & now saying that it might be calling for showers tmrw so he won’t seed which means he can work on his yard which ok makes sense I know he’s got a lot to do. But he still says he thinks he won’t leave till 6 or 7pm? Like I understand the yard work stuff but it makes me sad that maybe the priority doesn’t come through… like I get one day with you.. and I hate to say that I’m pretty darn sure he’s not waking up early to do this. He’ll probably start at like 11 or 12 maybe & even then like idk, to me it’s like why could you not think to get up early to get the main stuff done so you can leave at 4 or 5 to make a point in meeting my sister… knowing that’s important to me. & like his idea that this summer he’ll “be out around Calgary” so he can spend time out here… like great how much time are we actually getting? You leave after work to come in the night before, to golf the whole day so I might get Saturday night even though you’ll be exhausted, & then get half of Sunday with you before you go back home? So I get a day & a half? Meanwhile I’m the one that makes the point to come out for a week? Ugh. Idk. Maybe I’m just being petty & unrealistic but man that really blows. Here I’ve invested so much time into getting to know his family & yes I really appreciate that he’s coming in to spend Amanda’s birthday, but like it’s hard to see that he wants to invest in my family back. I know calgarys not your home but here I am again going to come out next weekend to spend Sunday with your family at the gender reveal & probably come back because if I go to Edmonton with Ed. Like I just really wonder & question a bit of the priorities. Lawn care vs meeting my sister, my best friend who’s important to me for you to get to know… idk. I really don’t know. Here I was again feeling pretty confident again that things are right, that I want to invest in this because of his character etc & why I feel like I’m investing more? Making more of the planning? Like he probably was going to do most of those golf tourneys around Calvary regardless of dating me. There’s what, two? Mickleson and strathmore? Jasper is a getaway & cranbrook we haven’t even talked about if I’m going with him. I’m just really scared that I want more of the intentional commitment. He feels nonchalant or leaves things till later which is what scares me. Like pre marital counselling? You said it initially but I haven’t heard talk about it since. Planning a trip this summer, we briefly talked about NFLD but then nothing. It’s almost June… like there’s no more sitting around for time anymore if these are things we want to plan… I hate last minute planning. Idk. Is this small enough stuff that we can just work through? That can just be communicated? That’s not going to impact me or us enough that leaves me questioning? I honestly don’t know. Maybe I really should wait and find a place to live for a year…

[abusedandromeda]

Grey rocking vs Silent treatment

This memory pops up more often than some others and it’s probably because this is the first time the tides and vibes changed my (DID) system and my abuser so I figured putting it into words would be helpful and hopefully allow my brain to at least calm down with this memory (it ends on a positive note, promise).

So it started when I took the step to shave my head I think about a month after covid hit the states. I tried asking my birth parents about it but the main thing was “make that your motivation to lose weight so you’ll look better bald”. It was because my birth father had a fold on the back of his head that you could clearly see cuz he was bald. And they said I didn’t wanna look like him (yes, even he said it).

I’ll talk about it more in another post, but I fucking hated my hair. That mindset took both an emotional and physical toll on me. It not only nade me miserable but I also never took care of it. I spent 20 minutes max on it, which is barely enough time to wash even a third of my African hair. Never scrubbed my scalp, never combed it through from the scalp. It was like having a child I didn’t want, but I forced myself to keep because it made me look good.

Even though it wasn’t the safest option and I knew what the consequences were from both of my biological parents, I wanted to shave my head. It was an easy long term decision too, especially since I wasn’t given very many physical tools to take care of my hair. Was never taught how to braid it, how to make combing easier, etc. I wanted to also think about what I’d do after I left my abusers and shaving my head was not only cheaper, but less emotionally taxing. All my alters (I think only around 12 alters) were in on it too. They decided that we’d work together on the emotional fallout since it had been less than a year we started grey rocking.

So, I bought a shaving kit from Amazon, and less than a couple weeks later, I shaved my head. Didn’t tell my birth mother about it, even though now I wish I told her to her face that it was my body my choice, but we’ll get to the regrets later in another post). My alters told and promised her we would comb out our hair, but I didn’t even comb it at all. Didn’t even wash it. Just took a razor with no guard to the scalp, shaved that shit, and live streamed it on my previous twitter (which is now taken down).

I decided to tell my alters to tell my birth mother now so we didn’t have to deal with her in the morning. If I had dealt with it, I probably would’ve just told her “I don’t care at all what you say or what’s disrespectful. It’s my body and it’s my choice. If you’re offended by that, then maybe observe yourself”. But two of my alters, Nick (WHO IS NOW A FATHER BTW) and Fel (Felony) decided to fuck with her and say “it was a surprise for you, bestie!” (Disrespectful as hell💀) and “now we can go to the pool like you wanted, bestie!” (She used to drag us to the pool every other summer week even though we didn’t want to). To be fair, they did end it with “well, I’m happy with it, so I don’t care”. Then, we went to bed. Best sleep we had in a while over there.

The silent treatment happened immediately the morning after. Honestly, we were okay with that. Personally, I had gotten to a point where I hated her so much that I wished that she would’ve given the silent treatment the rest of the time we were there. My other alters felt the same. There were a few times she did explode at us for very very small reasons (I think it was for crumbs on her countertops or dog poop in the yard, but I can’t remember), but we still kept calm and continued the grey rock method instead of what my 7th grade self would’ve done, which was kiss up to her.

There were a couple times she yelled at us to say “good morning” because it was “polite” even though she didn’t do the same during her silent treatment and she would’ve just ignored us if we did. Either way, we didn’t do any of that, since it was against the grey rock method. You don’t reach out to your abusers, they reach out to you. Act like an NPC.

Obviously, yes, it still did hurt. The little kid in me felt destroyed that my own birther didn’t like my new hair cut. I was kind of hoping she said I looked beautiful with it. I felt more ugly than I had before during that time period. I felt so naked and so judged during that time. But, the grown up version in me said that if I was only beautiful according to her own controlled version of me, then those weren’t compliments. Those were just tools to control. That’s why I never kissed up to her or demanded her to pay attention to me just like in 7th grade. Because that is not a mother’s love, that’s a tyrant’s force. I was glad she didn’t try and change her tune so late into my life because it only reinforced the fact that she would’ve never accepted the happy version of me. I was only “beautiful” as long as I did what she asked.

The only reason why I still regret what I did was because of my mom. I’d like to clarify that my mom and birth mother are two different people. My mom is part of my DID system. Yes, I am unofficially adopted, but she’s been an amazing mom. She understands my struggles, but doesn’t spoil me. She gives me space, but picks me back up when I do fall over. To give you a better understanding, her name is Windfall and she’s a tall, muscular alien. Not…not like a foreigner but like an actual alien…that’s not from Earth.

She’s the type of energy terfs really hate. She does boxing as a hobby, she used to be a guardian for her city back on her planet (defends her city from colonization), and used to have very bad anger issues that she’s worked on since we left my abusers (although it does come back full force if someone messes with me or my other two siblings). She damn near hospitalized her most recent ex (also part of my system) because she tried to emotionally manipulate me and my siblings. She gave me the name Andromeda because she thought of my imagination as vast as the galaxy itself, my mind as bright as the stars, as my personality as attractive as a black hole, my mood as constantly changing as all the planets combined, and myself as beautiful as the universe itself. It’s corny, but she really does love my siblings and I.

So my mom at the time was a protector. She was the only one due to the fact that there were so few alters. Nowadays, I think we have 10 protectors, which definitely would’ve been more helpful at the time but I was also a young system still learning to communicate with my other alters. The problem was that just because grey rocking was being used less doesn’t mean the job was done for all alters. Most of the stress fell on my mom, who was not only in charge of protecting us physically just in case my birth mother did make promise on her multiple threats to end my life but to also warn of the other alters of any incoming blow ups from my birth mother.

My mom had to read my birth mother more often. She had less to go on now that my birth mother wasn’t talking. It was a stressful task. I don’t even think she slept much during that silent treatment because she wanted to protect us so much. When I say the toll it took on my mom, I really wanted to do what my 7th grade self did, even if it wouldn’t work. I didn’t care about my birth mother, but I loved my adoptive mom like my own mother. I didn’t want to see her so stressed out like that even if it was her job and she grew up protecting others the same way. While my alters were happy they didn’t have to talk to my birth mother as much, and I was too, I didn’t want my mom to be so stressed out over protecting us.

But, my mom told me to keep grey rocking. She told me that as a mother, she’d understand if I gave in, but as a person (or alien in this matter lmao), she’d never ever forgive me. Another thing about my mom is that she’s really competitive. It goes along amazingly with her anger issues. She REALLY hated my birth mother. There was also something in it for herself. She wanted to teach my birth mother a lesson that we weren’t that little kid anymore. My mom was there when I was in 7th grade. She saw how I begged for my birth mother to speak to me, only to be ignored. My mom wanted me to prove a point and make sure my birth mother knew that ignoring my body autonomy and hiding behind accepting my body autonomy as “disrespectful” wasn’t going to fly.

My mom really drove in the point that whatever energy someone gives you, you give right back. If someone ignored you, ignore them back. If someone gives you a gift, you gift back. If someone doesn’t invite you somewhere, don’t ask. Don’t chase after no one, try and text people back in a timely manner to give that mutual respect. This situation drilled into me to never give more energy to someone who doesn’t deserve, but to never give no energy to someone who gave me so much. So, I respected my mom’s wishes and never gave in.

I know this part was very personal, but I think most of my choices during this time was indirectly establishing my own boundaries. We didn’t want to take a huge step back when we came so far just with our new grey rock method.

Eventually, my birth mother was the one who broke the silence. There was no begging from us for her to talk to us, just her randomly starting to talk to us like nothing happened. I remember it was dusk and we had to clean the garage another month later. I’m not 100% sure why, but I can guess that she realized that no matter how much psychological pressure she pushed onto us, it wouldn’t make any difference. She found out one of her own tools had stopped working. She realized that we really didn’t care about her opinions on our body. The rare times someone actually won and it was us.

Funny enough, my alters were actually devastated because now they had to deal with her again😂😂. For the rest of us, it would’ve been better had she never talked to us until we finally left. But I’m pretty sure my mom slept for like 3 days after that. She was really tired. For her sake, I’m glad my birth mother gave in. It was so stressful for her.

So yeah, grey rocking vs the silent treatment. Grey rocking won in this case. Yes, it did leave a few emotional scars for me. I couldn’t look at the first pictures of my shaved head during those times for about a year because it was so triggering. Yes, it did ruin the experience. But now this situation is my personality, to give the same energy someone else gives me. Not to mention it established our bodily autonomy and I could bet it was jarring when she realized I was an actual person and not just her kid. Not sure if grey rocking works 100% against the silent treatment, but it definitely worked in this case.

[hallelujahonmytongue]

Had some good religion-adjacent realisations today when I went for a walk cause I was going crazy stuck in my room. I feel like it’s easy for me to stay in my room because I get home so wiped from work, and I think of resting as being in bed and I also think of my silly little walk for my silly little mental health as being just getting outside, which I do on the way to work, rather than being for time away from needing to do stuff and being with nature and the like.

But I went to the pond near my house, it’s like kind of nature-y but it’s a nice ten minute walk I’ve done a bunch of times. The pond is pretty, I was really wigging out from sadness and loneliness from missing my partner and anger at my mum for messing me up so bad (I journalled the other day and had some realisations about attachment styles and why I’ve been struggling a lot in my relationship recently). I felt like I was feeling such overwhelming pain in my small body and soul.

But then I was able to self regulate really well, because I realised that I need to create a sense of self that is separate to my relationships with other people. I was so lonely for so long that now that I have so many fulfilling close relationships, I forget I have parts of me that only I know and only I need to nurture by spending my alone time doing something other than consuming media to avoid a thought occurring. I wrote down a list of things that make me feel I’m treating myself and doing something just for me, mostly going out for meals on my own or getting a fancy drink or making a cup of tea or reading a book. Basically mostly monetary things but things that I would do for someone I really liked, things that are extra care that show me I value myself. It was just refreshing in general to acknowledge that I’ve lost myself in other people a bit recently, and that ties back to the attachment style stuff.

Secondly, I’ve been massively freaked out about religion type stuff since my friend told me God is waiting for me after I started crying over how much I missed God and how much I missed praying to Them. (I don’t hold it against my friend, it was actually a super sweet thing of him to say and he meant it in the best way possible, it was just totally the wrong thing to say to me, unbeknownst to him.) It shook my whole “I don’t believe in God anymore because I can’t risk getting my heart broken again” thing, which was honestly more of a just “repeat that whenever I think about it and avoid processing the trauma of losing my faith”. I felt so conflicted all over again, I would pray and love praying and go to church and love that too but then hate myself and be confused and be angry at God all over again.

Today I realised that I am tired of living in that loop. Yes, I could be religious and accept that my life will be defined by my struggle with God, or at least inextricably intertwined with it and it will take up most of my brain space. Or, and this is what I decided, I can heed the promise I made to myself when I was overwhelmed with the pain of losing my faith the first time, and I swore I’d never believe again because I knew I wouldn’t survive the pain a second time.

I could just let it go, accept the pain of missing God and missing religion but also know I can miss something and not want it back because I know it’s not good for me. I need to just cut myself off from all the religious social media and my need to go to church even when it’s hard to do that because it’s so much healthier for me to live my life in accordance with my values of logic and evidenced based belief. It’s just so freeing and calm for the two parts of me to not be at war constantly. I know some of you will want to disagree with me and you’ll say one can have faith without that, but I never could and believe me, I tried.

As soon as I admitted that, the deepest sense of calm passed over me and I realised that I can achieve the sense of peace I get at church by listening to my own Wise Mind, to use DBT terminology. I am the one who loves me no matter what, and I am the one who waits for myself to acknowledge I will always be here and I will always be on my own side. I don’t need God for that because I can self regulate on my own, and I can thereby avoid the horrible conflicts within my brain.