#and hoffman’s gay ass WOULD do this shit

[http-sawposting]

say goodbye and send me off with a kiss farewell

[mjshortformcjesus]

OK LOOOONG POST (i ranked all the saw traps except for the spiral ones)

starting with the worst and i’ll work my way up :3

74. lawnmower trap (saw 3d) because its boring and stupid

73. edgar munsen’s trap (jigsaw). this whole movie sucks ass but. the lack of filter on like this whole scene pisses me the fuck off

72. shotgun chair (saw v) idek it just sucks

71. hangman’s noose (saw 3d i believe) its really boring and basicccc

70. cyanide box (saw 3d) boring as hell im afraid

69. sentry gun (saw 3d) its kinda funny i suppose???

68. hoffmans ugly fucking rbt (saw vi) its fucking ugly

67. suspended cage (saw 3d) i would survive this no problem

66. chain hangers (jigsaw) i dont care for it and the needles and i hate it

65. spike trap (saw iv) its good i think its just like the one trap i cant watch :/

64. scalping chair (saw iv) idkkkk its justs like boring and yawn (really funny on 2x speed though)

63. grain silo (jigsaw) lordddd its badddd

62. electrified staircase (saw ii) i think this would fix my knees but like. the way its filmed lowkey sucks

61. public execution (saw 3d) good golly this one ugh. i think it couldve been good if it werent a stupid reason to get put in a trap

60. drill chair (saw i) lost points for being named jeff

59. shotgun keys (jigsaw) funny. i suppose

58. shotgun hallway (saw i) i liked sing ;-;

57. freezer room (saw iii) slow ass fucking jeff

56. cycle trap (jigsaw) not a personal fav but the corpse is really funny

55. brazen bull (saw 3d) diy top surgery ig but the wife didnt deserve that

54. ceiling jars (saw v) they couldve all fIT IN THERE

53. antidote safe room (saw ii) i hate xavier and i dont really enjoy when he cut the back of his neck off :/

52. electric bathtub (saw v) i liked the lady that got zapped ;-;

51. razor box (saw ii) its good but also akdjdjosjeoskdo

50. disembowelment (saw x) wooble wooble wooble

49. gas chamber (saw x) i hate cecilia so sos os os so much

48. oxygen crusher (saw vi) its a wee bit fucked up ngl

47. buckets room (jigsaw) personally i dont like it very much but @w3bcu1t does and i love her

46. neck tie trap (saw v) LMAO THE DECAPITATION

45. pipe bomb (saw x) ughhh its good but ughhhh

44. zep’s test (saw i) idek yall

43. magnum eyehole (saw ii) yea

42. spine cutters (saw iv) i liked art…

41. bedroom trap (saw iv) its icky but well done

40. horsepower trap (saw 3d) all i wrote for this was “lur lur lur” idk what that means

39. leg wires (jigsaw) ://////

38. wisdom teeth combo (saw 3d) the peanuts :3

37. jeff’s final test (saw iii) kajsisjslkaksndkd

36. razor wire maze (saw i) man oh man its a classic

35. the furnace (saw ii) :3

34. steam maze (saw vi) yea

33. exploding puppet (saw iv) OWAGHH lindseyyy

32. pig vat (saw iii) juice

31. flammable jelly (saw i) ngl its just for the name

30. knife chair (saw iv) hehe ha

29. eyeball vaccuum (saw x) slurrrppppp

28. silence circle (saw 3d) i wont explain myself

27. nerve gas house (saw ii) lowkey this trap fucks hard. easily the best group trap

26. laser collars (jigsaw) listen. i know it sucks. idc

25. the cubeeee (saw v) in my cube. straight up breathing it. and by “it” well haha lets justr say. neck air

24. classroom trap (saw iii) again. my notes just say “lur lur lur”

23. brain surgery (saw x) pabdodjeokeow

22. impalement circle (saw 3d) i…have no idea

21. radiation (saw x) gabrielaaaaa

20. bloodboarding (saw x) ITS SO AINSOEMEPW

19. pendulum (saw v) he-he got cut in half lmao

18. acid room (saw vi) tghe fucking body melting??? PEAK

17. bathroom trap (saw i) gay people

16. ice block trap (saw iv) fuck eric amiright

15. venus fly trap (saw ii) i loveee this one but poor michael probably didnt deserve that

14. shotgun collar (saw iii) live. laugh. lesbian.

13. pound of flesh (saw vi) this is a classic and i love it sm

12. the gallows (saw vi) AMERICAN HELATHCARE

11. shotgun carousel (saw vi) USA 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅🦅🦅!!!!!

10. 10 pints of sacrifice (saw v) when- when the hands do the flappy i lose my shit

9. amanda’s test (saw iii) ANSOSJOSJknosjoskijsi&/918Jwboajaosj

8. needle pit (saw ii) isjsisjsoajaoanoak

7. reverse bear trap (saw i and 3d) amajda ambda andbaa mandy ambda amanda (and jill i suppose)

6. mausoleum (saw iv) mmmmmmmmmm

5. eric’s test (saw ii) oh goodness. i fucking hate eric matthews.

4. bone marrow (saw x) i really like this one

3. glass coffin (saw v) silly haha

2. the rack (saw iii) THE PRACTICAL EFFECTS RAHHHHH

angel trap (saw iii) i loveee kerry i loveee the effects i loveee the rats on her in saw iv i loveee amanda appearing as kerry’s ribs get ripped open

yayayaya i did it. yall can ask if you have questions :3

[echo-writes-things]

Hi I’m angsty anon😛 I recently got back into the saw movies and am now hyperfixating on them after seeing saw x in theaters. Wondering if I could request a fic about the father/daughter relationship between Amanda and John? Wondering if you could write Amanda getting the shit beat out of her like how Eric beat her up and John’s reaction, what he would do, if he would clean her wounds and take care of her, etc.

YES I CAN I LOVE SAW I COULD KISS YOU ANGSTY ANON IVE BEEN SO DESPERATE FOR SAW ASKS

Psycho Family Headcannons:

Let’s be real Amanda gets into fights a lot. Not even on purpose it just follows her wherever she goes

John always patches her up and tries to make it a lesson. That classic old man “we can learn from this” fatherly advice

It’s a ritual every time they run out of bandaids Amanda gets to pick new bandaids (yes she picks princess bandaids not for herself but to make hoffman use them)

John always hates that he can’t step in and stop Amanda’s fights. He’d ask Hoffman to do it but we all know he’s go “no no I wanna see what happens”

One VERY RARE occasion Amanda had to go to Jill for help getting patched up instead of John because he was gone probably for a doctor’s appointment. It was awkward but they both appreciated the experience

John is gone a lot for doctors appointments (cancer check ups usually happen every 3-6 weeks depending on the stage at least that’s what I experienced) each time he comes back he hears Amanda getting into a fight.

Eventually he pulls the “I won’t always be here to fix you..” and she bursts into tears (see what I did there? I referenced Saw III)

One day Amanda got into a real bad fight with a victim, blood everywhere and most of it was her own.

John when full panic. “What happened?! Who did this to you? How are you feeling? Anything broken? Maybe I should take you to the hospital.”

Amanda calmed him down but he still made her sit her gay ass down so he could patch her up.

John may know some stuff about simple first aid but anything past that he’s lost. Stitches? He can barely hold his hand still. But he’ll put some gauze on it and if need be he’ll have Hoffman do it since he’d definitely know more about that sort of thing.

If she’s crying he’s wiping her tears and telling her that it’s all gonna be okay. “I’m here now. Let’s get you cleaned up”

She called him dad once when she was crying from being hurt and he had a wave of emotions. He has mixed feelings being called dad. It was meant to be for his son after all, not this homicidal maniac druggie he picked up off the street. But he lets it slide after a while and eventually gets used to it

Hoffman never makes fun of Amanda while she’s hurt but once she’s cleaned up he bullies her relentlessly

John then has to break up the fight between his two mentally unstable children, “you shouldn’t be fighting each other like this. Honestly you’re both acting like preschoolers”

John isn’t one for “treats”. He’s not gonna give someone a lollipop for not crying during their shot you feel me? So he doesn’t really give Amanda anything after he patches up her wounds. He’ll give her a pat on the back and encouraging words like “you’re strong and you’re smarter than fighting aimlessly like this.”

John is against the whole “Don’t start fights but you can finish them”. He thinks people should just walk away entirely. Silly man doesn’t realize you can’t always walk away, Amanda has tried explaining that but he won’t listen

Amanda is desperate for hugs from John. She never asks for them verbally but he can catch on when she needs one

Despite him practically being bed ridden his hugs are firm as fuck, one of those hugs where you kinda cry a little no matter who you are, just from how nice it feels

Sorry it’s not a fic! I might write an actual fic using these but I’ve had these headcannons held in my brain ever since I saw these tragic mentally ill people. I’ve got so many headcannons and theories please people send in asks for them.

[femmemortes]

SAW character as what guitars I think they would be :0

Yeah, idk what possessed me to do this but have fun and no there will not be that stupid ass Pinterest heart guitar making a cameo, that guitar makes me viscerally angry

Kicking it off with John Kramer, he’d OBVIOUSLY be a Kramer guitar. Specifically the illusionist model because like, look at it, it’s a fucking spiral looking thingy? Like hello? It would’ve been better if it was in red but we can’t have everything.

Amanda Young was another easy one, maybe this is because I’m biased and Amanda is my favourite character and the SG is my favourite type of guitar but… Look. Come on. She’d obviously be a SG Standard, specifically in red. Epiphone or Gibson doesn’t matter but this guitar screams Amanda Young SAW III at me.

Mark Hoffman struck me as more of a Les Paul guy and I had a vision: Epiphone Les Paul Custom “Black Beauty.” I don’t know, just looks pretty foreboding but still kinda classy? Which matches with all the suits he wears and shit like that. Also the triple humbucker pickup config is nice.

Adam Stanheight, I think it’s the blue and black in this one that just made it make sense with the vibes of the Bathroom trap and shit like that? Idk. Fender American Professional Telecaster Deluxe in Dark Night, ladies and gays.

Lynn Denlon. Instantly knew it was gonna be a green Stratocaster and then I found this: 2021 American Professional Stratocaster in Mystic Surf Green. Fuck off. The metallic look to it just gives medical equipment vibes, and then the green— Kinda matched the green lighting in the trap scenes she’s in so…. Ya :)

This one is actually a bass but I say it still counts, Peter Strahm is a guy of class. Which is why I think he deserves to have a Rickenbacker assigned to him. Since he works with the FBI he’s probably also one of the few people on this fucking planet that could afford one too, the lucky fucking sod. Anyway: 1973 Rickenbacker 4001 in Matte Black.

Gabreilaaaaaaa! :3 She’d be a Fender MIJ Blue Flower Stratocaster. I believe they were made in 2003? But yeah, idk it’s just so cute and like this guitar with her outfit in SAW X? Amazing, 10/10

Ok that’s it for now because i can’t think anymore but I will add to this once I do :)

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 5

[ can't stop won't stop. when will Lawrence not get cockblocked by Nar <///3 ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

Luckily for all of them, Garrett did finish that furnace before the day was over. He managed to check the trigger on the fire right before passing out face down on his bed. He told them they’d just move it to the house in the morning.

It wasn’t morning when they moved it, but it got moved out of his room at the very least before he was running out to get to his real job. He was definitely going to be late, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with that giant machine in his living space anymore. Mark and Amanda could figure out how to get it to the house themselves.

“You’re late,” one of his coworkers teased as he clocked in and he just rolled his eyes. “And you look like shit. How do you live like this?” they continued, receiving a short glare from Garrett.

He didn’t necessarily hate his coworkers, but he wasn’t friends with them either. “Easily,” he replied shortly, leaving no more room for conversation as he clipped his nametag on his shirt and got to work.

Normally he wasn’t so short with them, but he was tired and wanted to get on with the day so he could help with the final preparations for the game.

The day went by quickly, especially because Nar remembered he had his phone number and would occasionally send him pictures of Amanda working, or a joking picture of Hoffman’s ass. He even received a picture of Lawrence ranting about something, probably a bad hospital show. Stuff like that always got him through the day.

“Is that your new boyfriend?” The coworker from earlier, Nadia, asked when they got a glimpse of one of the Hoffman ass pics. They backed off at the look Garrett gave them.

“No.” That was where he left it, putting his phone in his pocket and getting back to work. He was very lucky that Nadia didn’t get the chance to see him turn bright red at the mere idea of Hoffman being his boyfriend.

It was around 5pm when Garrett finally got off, practically running out of the bookstore and heading directly for his car. He was kind of aware of Nadia trying to talk to him as he sped out of the door, but didn’t care enough to stay put.

He was partly rushing so much because he needed to help finish the trap, but mostly because right before his shift ended, he’d gotten a text from Nar:

‘help gordon is trying to walk and idk what to do, he’s just hobbling around with his lil prosthetic help-’

He TOLD Gordon to wait until he could help him, and now he was speeding toward the base, two miles away from being pulled over for how fast he was driving. Plus there was the fact that the other two apprentices weren’t supposed to know about him, according to John, and the picture attached to the text showed him one of the main work rooms.

Fucking idiot, Gordon was supposed to be smart and here he was, being the dumbest bitch in the Jigsaw house, stepping way too close to getting killed.

---

… Apparently the other apprentices weren’t home.

Amanda was already at the Nerve Gas House to help with finishing touches, and Hoffman was at the precinct to “help” with the newest Jigsaw case, meaning Gordon was not in danger of being killed.

Garrett still scolded him.

“I can’t believe you!” He hissed as Gordon leaned into his side, trapped by the arm across his back and the hand placed on his midriff. “I told you! I told you not to try to move around without my help! You know Nar can’t support your weight!!”

Gordon just chuckled at him, the gravelly sound just pissing him off more rather than flustering him like usual.

“Lawrence!! This isn’t a joke!!! I’m genuinely worried about your dumb ass!!!!” Garrett continued, his voice slightly more high pitched in annoyance. Gordon just laughed at him again, making him huff as he practically dragged the doctor back to his room.

It was when he was finally sat down that Gordon said something. “I know you’re worried, but I wasn’t going to call you out of work just so I can walk around.”

“Wh- That’s what I expected you to do!!” Garrett countered, almost offended at the idea that Gordon thought his job was more important than him. “You literally can’t walk without help, and you’ve been bedridden for months! You don’t even have a cane yet!”

Gordon was just watching him at this point as he continued to list off reasons he should have been called, a small smile on his face at how animated Garrett got when he was passionate about something.

“... Why are you staring at me like that?” Garrett asked once he noticed Gordon’s gaze, his hands frozen midair in one of his wild gestures.

“You called me Lawrence.” Garrett’s eyes widened, he hadn’t even noticed. “And I like listening to your voice. I know you’re busy, but I wish you would visit more often, even if it was just to talk.”

Bro stop you’re scaring the hoes with attachment issues who are afraid of relationships (Garrett).

“Wh- I don’t-” Garrett’s stammering was cut off by Gordon’s lip suddenly connecting with his, and he mentally cursed himself for almost immediately melting into it.

The kiss didn’t last long because Gordon had stood up to reach Garrett, and he pulled back to sit back down on the bed, but that didn’t last long either.

As if he’d been waiting for it his whole life, Garrett practically lunged at the doctor, pulling him into another, slightly more desperate kiss. His hands were gripping Gordon’s shirt hard enough that it would definitely be forever wrinkled like that, and he was pretty much in the other man’s lap.

He was worried he was coming off too strong for all of two seconds, the concern dissipating when Gordon’s hands found his hips, holding him there in a tight grip.

Garrett had just begun to thread his fingers through Gordon’s hair- two seconds away from pulling at it- when there was a knock on the door.

Both of them jumped, Garrett shooting back like he’d been shocked. “I forgot we weren’t alone,” he whispered to Gordon, gaining a soft laugh from the doctor. Both of them took a moment to put themselves back together (when had Gordon started unbuttoning Garrett’s shirt?) before answering the door.

Nar glanced between the two of them, seemingly surprised that they looked like they had when they went in- luckily, the room was dark enough to conceal their flushed faces and Garrett’s very red lips.

“You done yelling at him?” he asked Garrett, who nodded in reply. “Good. John wants you at the Nerve Gas House, he wants you to set up the razor box.” Right. Garrett had forgotten about that.

He took one last glance at Gordon before sighing. “I’m so sick of that box,” he muttered, though he accepted his fate and headed out in far less of a frenzy than before. To be completely honest, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to finish what he started with Gordon. But… the others needed his help, and he needed to give it.

That didn’t mean he didn’t spend the whole drive there thinking about the feeling of Gordon’s lips on his, and what else he could do to the good doctor the next time they were alone.

---

“Does that look good?” Garrett asked Hoffman once the razor box was attached to the ceiling, taking a few steps back to stand next to the detective.

He’d been having trouble with getting the box to hang evenly, which was a struggle he was no stranger to, so he’d brought Hoffman in to take a look at it.

The detective tilted his head slightly to the side as he inspected it, before letting out a soft hum. “You finally got it,” he confirmed, straightening back up. He didn’t flinch when Garrett let out a triumphant whoop, which was proof that one could get used to him quickly.

“You’re a godsend,” Garrett told him, slapping him on the shoulder before leaving the room, running down the hall to tell John and Amanda the good news. He could hear Hoffman following him, but absolutely did not slow down.

He skidded into the main room where John and Amanda were going over the plan for the thousandth time, almost tripping over his own foot and sending himself crashing into the ground. His only saving grace was Hoffman grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him back onto his feet.

John and Amanda stared at him like he was crazy for all of two seconds, before completely ignoring the fact that he almost just curbstomped himself into the floor. “I finally got the razor box straight,” Garrett spoke up, also acting as if he did not almost just die. “All my traps are good to go. Now, I desperately need sleep, so I’m gonna go home and take a two hour nap.”

He wasn’t. He was going to go back to his apartment and frantically draw up plans until he passed out from sleep deprivation at 2am. That was his permanent Jigsaw trap, one he could never escape from.

Wow. That was the most emo thought he’d had since middle school.

“Anyway. Good-bye.” With that, he turned on his heel and walked out of the house, but not after patting Hoffman- who had still been awkwardly standing behind him- on the chest, slipping a piece of paper into the front pocket of his shirt.

What was on it, you ask? A gay little doodle of Hoffman setting up the door gun. Why did he give it to him? He doesn’t know how to flirt. This is the best he’s got.

He went straight ‘home’ after that, a little annoyed he couldn’t go back to the base but also knowing that his neighbours were weirdly nosy and would “get concerned” if he didn’t show up to his apartment regularly.

Plus, his couch there was a really comfortable bed.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Magnolia

I don’t know much about Magnolia or Paul Thomas Anderson, but I do know that it takes someone paying me to get me to watch a 3-hr+ drama that doesn’t star Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and a really big boat. This is one of my mom’s favorite movies which is why she requested it for me to review. It’s packed with a balls-to-the-wall star-studded cast (Tom Cruise! Julianne Moore! Phillip Seymour Hoffman! John C. Reilly! William H. Macy! Felicity Huffman!) and I’m genuinely excited to see how they all fit together. Cause they have to all fit together in some coherent way, right? Well...

Do you remember in Sorry to Bother You when the Equisapiens came out and things just took like...a real turn? That’s kind of what this was like. Whereas StBY pushed a thought to its most extreme, but logical, conclusion, what Paul Thomas Anderson has done here feels like a magician doing a lot of impressive illusions - sawing a lady in half, making a motorcycle disappear, pulling smaller things out of bigger things - and then for his final trick, walking onstage amidst a grand plume of smoke, dropping his pants, taking a gigantic shit, and then saying, “You’ve been a great audience, thanks a lot and goodnight!” It’s not like you can say the experience was BAD. Everything up to the finale was a really great time! But when you’re left on a note that is that bafflingly odd, it kinda colors the way you’ll remember the whole thing.

Magnolia is the story of one long day in the life of 12 people living in Los Angeles who are all connected via an extensive web from acquaintances to married couples to parents and children to paid caregivers and beyond. It’s a day that has the same kind of ups and downs as any other day until it, well, turns into something else entirely. I’m not sure how else to explain it, but if you want to know more, spoilers will be spoiled below.

Some thoughts:

Patton Oswalt cameo! I am a massive fan and thought I knew his whole filmography and OMG how did I not know that he was in this!!

Ok, in spite of my skepticism this entire opening sequence about coincidence had me hooked IMMEDIATELY. Like, this is some damn good storytelling, if this were a novel, I would not be able to put it down - that pull, that’s what it feels like.

Am I the only person whose encyclopedic memory of character actors/roles gets distracted when they see someone from something that is wildly disparate compared to the role you’re currently watching? For example, I had to pause the movie and confirm via IMDB that I did just see Professor Sprout from HP scream “Shut the fuck up!” at her husband while brandishing a shotgun.

Would people really recognize a grown ass man from being a successful child game show contestant? I’ll tell you the answer, no they wouldn’t, because no one realizes that Peter Billingsley (aka Ralphie from A Christmas Story) is the head of the elf production line in Elf.

I knew this was a stacked cast, but holy SHIT this is a stacked cast. If I had $1 for every fantastic character actor I recognize in this, I would have at least $37, and these are people in the film who have maybe 2-3 lines each. It’s a deep bench is what I’m saying.

This makes me miss Phillip Seymour Hoffman so, so very much.

Watching PSH care for and be so compassionate and gentle with his hospice patient, Earl (Jason Robards),makes my heart ache terribly. All of the people who have been unable to perform this kindness, this type of compassionate care for their closest loved ones as they lie dying in isolation of Covid...it’s overwhelming.

OMG I’m counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Very Good Dogs in the old man’s house!

I know Scientology is evil and he’s undeniably a complicated and morally grey person. I know all that. But goddamn I just love watching Tom Cruise COMMIT. Particularly when he commits to just absolute fucking sleazebag slimeballs. And boy oh boy is Frank Mackey an absolute fucking sleazebag slimeball.

Related - I know Frank looks like Tom Cruise, so he could get people to sleep with him no matter what, but I honestly feel like as a human being, this flesh suit is WAY more attractive balding and fat in Tropic Thunder than he is in this shiny brown shirt/leather vest/long hair combo.

I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe about these black characters being written by an artsy white dude, because I don’t know any young black kids who want to hang around with cops and offer up information about who committed a murder in their building. In fact, the way all of the black characters are treated in this film - as liars, criminals, the disingenuous “main stream media,” and thieves - feels rooted in some racist ass bullshit. We see a lot of nuance in our white characters, but even in a film that has, shockingly, more than one key black role, we don’t get that spectrum or nuance.

There is nothing I would love more than to learn that Frank Mackey is 1) gay 2) impotent or 3) both. He’s so disgustingly over-the-top misogynistic, it honestly feels like it should all be a complete act.

I confess I am on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how all these narrative threads tie together. It’s compelling as hell, even though half the time I don’t know why these people are having these long, meandering conversations. The pacing feels so deliberate, like a puzzle coming together. There’s real craftsmanship in how every scene is plotted to feel connected rather than manic or disjointed.

This pharmacist is being unprofessional as hell. Judgy McJudgerson, mind your fucking business, Julianne Moore’s father is dying! [ETA: ope, that’s embarrassing, Earl is actually her husband.]

NO THE DOG IS EATING THE PILLS OH NO VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE DOG.

I think I knew this, but this soundtrack is fantastic. All Aimee Mann and Supertramp, and Jon Brion’s score is this thrumming, anxious thing full of strings that underscore all these nervous conversations, and then it shifts into these low, mournful horns when things start to take a turn and everyone is reaching their lowest points.

I love this interviewer (April Grace) who is taking Frank (Tom Cruise) to task. I think it’s particularly noteworthy that she is a black woman, because the kind of misogyny Frank peddles is rooted in white supremacy.

Stanley (Jeremy Blackman) is breaking my goddamn heart here. I think he and Phil (PSH) are my favorite characters.

Jim (John C Reilly) is the perfect example of how even a cop with the best intentions, with absolute kindness and love is in heart, is abusing his power and sexually harassing a woman he encountered in the line of duty, who is eager to appease him because she doesn’t want to be charged with a crime. This movie reads a LOT differently than it did in 1999.

I normally really love Julianne Moore, but she is a screeching mess in this. I can’t stop staring at her mouth and all the contortions it makes as she delivers every line in hysterics. She’s one of the few weak spots for me here.

Listening to Frank go on his whole diatribe about what society does to little boys to break them and victimize them HAS to be the source of where Keith Raniere got at least half of his NXIVM bullshit. Like, some of these points are word-for-word.

Also if Frank makes as much money as he seems to, there’s no way he would drive a shitty Saturn sedan.

It feels like the common thread of this movie is everyone is terrible and cheats on their spouses, and you should come clean when you get cancer so you can die peacefully. Weird moral, but ok.

If Jim is a cop, how does he not see that this woman he’s interested in (Melora Walters) is coked out of her mind?

Y’know for being a quiz kid, Donnie (William H. Macy) sure is kinda stupid.

I confess I’m not taking many notes throughout this because I’m just kind of sitting breathlessly still watching all these conversations unfold because I am on the edge of my fucking seat to find out how all this is gonna come together.

Secret MVP of this movie is the mom from A Christmas Story (Melinda Dillon) who is giving the performance of her goddamn life as Jimmy Gator’s wife.

Did I Cry? On the surface it appears ridiculous, but when Tom Cruise is having his breakdown at his dying father’s bedside, I admit, that really got me. If you’ve ever been faced with that kind of hysterical, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening, it feels like the whole world is ending kind of shock and hurt and anger, that’s what the crying looks like.

Are those......frogs?? That landed on Jim’s car? It’s raining fucking frogs???? OK for those of you sensitive to frog harm, this movie is going to take a real hard left turn for you, because I swear that came out of NOWHERE.

Um.

What.

Pray tell.

The fuck.

The climax of this movie - is when literal frogs rain from the sky.

And we finally got resolution about the dog, and the dog DID die, and I’m pissed about it. It’s offscreen but still.

I'm sorry - I know I’m fixating. But how is it possible that I knew about all the characters performing a sing-along to Aimee Mann’s (excellent) song “Wise Up” but I did NOT know that the climax of the film involves literally thousands of frogs falling to their death from the sky? How is that something that escapes entry into the cultural zeitgeist? I’m with it, you guys. I have been Very Online for over a decade, and before that, I read a lot of Entertainment Weekly, and like it just seems that this is something that pop culture really should have told me.

I think the funniest moment of this movie might be the credits in which I discovered that not only is Luis Guzman playing a man named Luis, he’s actually playing himself. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop laughing about it. That was a 189-minute setup to one dumb punchline.

I think I loved this movie but I don’t quite know. The frog thing really threw me. What I’m taking away from it is that even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it, we are all connected to each other, always, in ways we can’t see or know. As Wife astutely pointed out, it’s reminiscent of the pandemic - we’re all in the same storm, but we each have our own boats and our own experiences within that storm. And it’s kind of nice to remember that right now, that connection still exists even when it feels so far away. Just not if you’re a frog I guess, cause they really got the short end of the stick here.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[glenngaylord]

My Moments Out Of Time – Glenn Gaylord’s Look Back at 2021 In Film

With more time than is healthy spent alone in 2021, I had the opportunity to see literally hundreds of films…way more than I could ever possibly review. One of the great perks of being a film critic are the free screenings, be they in person, on DVD, via links, or loaded onto my Apple TV. Some days felt like Christmas morning, waking up to find packages at my door or a dozen movies awaiting my eyeballs on one of the studio apps. Receiving a noose keychain from the folks who brought you The Power Of The Dog was a nice, diabolical touch. Now I think about murder and gay stuff whenever I start my car, but living in West Hollywood, that’s nothing new.

As I look back at the year in film, I think less of Top Ten Lists and more about those indelible moments which made an impression on me. A long-discontinued but influential annual column called Moments Out Of Time” from Film Comment magazine serves as my inspiration. The critics would cite their favorite scenes, images, or lines of dialogue, even from films they may not have liked. Even bad films have their moments, yet 2021 had a great many fantastic films, from West Side Story to The Power Of The Dog, Red Rocket, Licorice Pizza, Titane, to the new midnight movie cult classic, Shit & Champagne. These are my favorite moments from a pretty outstanding year.

A group of Jets get on their knees in the last moments of “Gee, Officer Krupke”, and as they spin around, the newspapers on the floor gloriously swirl up around them. Steven Spielberg and Tony Kushner may have given this classic story better context, more accurate and sensitive casting, but its greatest gift is in finding new, thrilling ways to make this version cinematic on its own terms – West Side Story

A character quietly slides something under a bed as a happy couple arrives. Not since Hitchcock’s Frenzy has a film featured something so quiet yet so loaded – The Power Of The Dog

Forget about all things Marvel for one hot second, OK? The year’s best action sequence involves a young woman driving a truck backwards down a winding, early 70s, Los Angeles road at night. Although she’s trying to focus, the horny teenager next to her won’t leave her alone. Alana Haim secures her place on this list by shoving Gary (Cooper Hoffman) back against the seat so that she can see from his side mirror. It’s the most bad-assed, baller move of the year – Licorice Pizza

Mikey Saber (Simon Rex in my favorite performance of the year) wakes up on a bus in perfect sync with the film’s recurring song, “Bye Bye Bye”. Moments later it will cut off abruptly, signaling something perhaps unsettling about this manic, motor-mouthed, amoral hustler we’re about to follow for the next 128 minutes. The song returns in a great scene where a character named Strawberry (a winning Suzanna Son) sings a stripped down ballad version and then, finally, in a great callback, gets used near the end of the film by one of Mikey’s many enemies – Red Rocket

“My name is Champagne Horowitz Jones Dickerson White. So I’ve been married a couple of times. It’s none of your fucking business!” – Shit & Champagne

When a film brings new and lovely meaning to dancing on someone’s grave, you know you’re in for something captivating – Summer Of 85

A modern day young woman (Thomasin McKenzie) travels back in time as she enters a nightclub in Swinging Sixties London and sees someone else (Anya Taylor-Joy) reflected in every mirrored surface. The reflections of them both as they descend a staircase is a great effect – Last Night In Soho

Is there a more heartwarming moment in a 2021 film than our main character shouting “Silenzio, Bruno!” as a homemade Vespa careens over a cliff? I didn’t think so either – Luca

In another film with a great Bruno reference and with its own queer coding (hi there, Luisa Madrigal and your sublime butch energy in “Surface Pressure”), I was in love…seriously in love…with Lin-Manuel Miranda’s gift for emotion and melody in my favorite song from a film in 2021, “Dos Oruguitas”, gorgeously sung by Sebastián Yatra – Encanto

A hand goes into a box and experiences unimaginable pain, far surpassing the original in this viscerally tense moment – Dune

What do you do when a great work of art is painted on a prison wall? The solution made me laugh out loud, as did Tilda Swinton’s outrageous performance. When a nude photo of herself accidentally ends up in her presentation, she exclaims, “Good God. Wrong slide. That’s me!” – The French Dispatch

Cruella makes the entrance of all entrances when she crashes the ball, asks for a light, and sets her white cape on fire to reveal a gorgeous red gown underneath – Cruella

They say you always remember your first time. So my first time seeing those chopsticks being put to terrifyingly gory use will stay with me forever – Titane

A witch stands up to face the title character. The reflection of her in a pond, one of the most striking shots of the year, creates the illusion that there are three of them, all played by the incredible Kathryn Hunter – The Tragedy Of Macbeth

A young married woman runs through the streets of Oslo to pursue a married man she recently connected with at a party. As she does so, time freezes for everyone else around her, creating the deft illusion of destiny – The Worst Person In The World

Jessica (Tilda Swinton) sits with a Sound Engineer in an attempt to recreate the strange banging noise she keeps hearing at unexpected times. In this slow yet fascinating film, which relies on its aural landscape more than anything else, it’s the most memorable and haunting sound I heard all year – Memoria

Someone notices that Richard Williams (Will Smith) doesn’t get much sleep, to which he responds, “Don’t nothing come to a sleeper but a dream” – King Richard

That moment when we discover the meaning of a “bronteroc”, my favorite callback joke of the year – Don’t Look Up

A husband discovers his wife having sex with a much younger man, but says nothing to her as his presence goes unnoticed. His reasons get revealed long after the other man becomes his employee and things don’t go anywhere as expected – Drive My Car

A stunning, wordless sequence in which we see an alternative future for Gawain had he chosen a different path. Covering years and years of story in a couple of minutes, director David Lowery creates rich, emotional tableaux which seamlessly take us through the “what ifs” we all face in life. Call it a medieval Sliding Doors – The Green Knight

The sight of Udo Kier defiantly riding a slow moving Rascal scooter through the streets of Sandusky is a great image. It’s made defiantly revolutionary due to his powder green suit, ascot, brimmed hat, cigarette perched just so, crossed legs and an attitude that says he doesn’t care that he’s holding up traffic – Swan Song

Nicolas Cage, looking like he’s been living on the streets for decades, calls the Head Chef over at a fine dining establishment to dissect the food on his plate, thus revealing a man of hidden depths – Pig

That gasp-inducing yet slightly off-the-cuff reveal that rewards our patience and finally tells us what the situation is with that baby lamb. Now I know it’s possible to be haunting, ludicrous and unforgettable all at once. And if you think this film has only one surprise up its sleeve, think again. Those final moments made my jaw drop – Lamb

James Bond rides his motorcycle up a ramp, flying through the air and landing on top of a street, the camera gliding up with him in perfect sync – No Time To Die

After a spectacularly realized musical sequence of the song “Spotlight”, in which cafeteria workers become backup singers, our hero reprises the chorus as the camera spins overhead. As the song ends, the lighting shifts, signifying a return to reality. As a perfect button to the scene, Jamie says with utter joy, “Jamie New. The boy so nice, he came out twice!” In a year of great musical movies, this moment, simple and sweet, captures the pure magic of the genre – Everybody’s Talking About Jamie

Sure, there had to be one stinker of a musical, and this one certainly laid a big egg. Still, this one also had the energetic, quick-cutting, and fun realization of the song, “Sincerely, Me” – Dear Evan Hansen

A young girl goes from a sexual encounter to pregnancy to a harrowing birth sequence in a matter of minutes. Horror filmmakers who had previously explored pregnancy themes in their movies, from Rosemary’s Baby to Prometheus, tipped their hats to M. Night Shyamalan’s nightmarish vision – Old

Barb: Star, did you see that restaurant? Star: Oh, yeah! Barb: I’m so excited. It’s almost time for dinner. Star: And time for a cocktail? Barb: (incredulously) Star!

My favorite dialogue exchange of the year. Barb thinking that getting a drink is so very naughty tickles me still. It captures the excitement and guilelessness of our heroines. Bonus points for giving us the term “soul douche” and for making culottes the wardrobe choice of champions. Extra bonus points for turning the usually oh-so-serious Jamie Dornan into a comedic national treasure— Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar

Usnavi steps on a manhole cover and shuffles it back and forth as if he were a DJ, announcing at the top of the film that director Jon Chu has an eye and ear for musical rhythms and visual realizations….proven throughout with a giant number in a local pool and, breathtakingly, on the side of a building – In The Heights

Perhaps providing the year’s biggest laugh from a serious film, Princess Diana (Kristen Stewart) gets rid of a housekeeper in her chamber by announcing, “I want to masturbate” – Spencer

A young boy wanders into the public bathroom of a swim club and is caught looking at the men in there. That he lives in a deeply homophobic South Africa of the 1980s only serves to heighten the drama and agony in this brutally effective film – Moffie

I’m not pulling your strings here. Our first view of the title character is a surreal shocker – Annette

The lovely relationship between Eleanor Roosevelt and Pauli Murray, an unheralded, non-binary, queer, Black activist, some of whose essential work pre-dated the Civil Rights Movement by many years, features some warm correspondences. In 1953, however, the film shows Roosevelt appearing on the cover of Ebony magazine with the headline, “Some of my best friends are Negroes”, a brave statement at the time which would now be considered tone deaf and offensive. This film beautifully captures Murray’s lifelong quest for equality – My Name Is Pauli Murray

Riley Keough’s Stefani turns around to face Zola (Taylour Paige) in the backseat of a car. She shouts, as she tells a story, “This bitch with her nappy-assed hair was up in my face!” Zola, sits and stares at her. Perhaps she’s horrified by Stefani’s appropriation of Black culture or maybe she’s wondering how she ended up in this car with this crazy person. After a delicious beat or two, Zola breaks her silence and simply responds, “Word.” – Zola

A car travels through outer space. Ludicrous? Yes. And Ludacris is in the car? Also, yes – F9

Finally a film with deaf characters who have hilariously human layers. Troy Kotsur and Marlee Matlin’s sexually charged, savagely funny parents elevate what could have been a fairly standard feel-good movie into something electric. Watch them complain that they have no idea what’s going on as their daughter sings and you’ll see the glorious messiness they bring to the film – CODA

With its Wes Anderson meets Guy Maddin highly stylized, theatrical sensibilities, Wes Hurley’s debut feature still manages to exhibit great warmth through a surprising reveal of a heretofore villainous character’s sweet, tender side – Potato Dreams Of America

Jennifer Hudson may be getting the lion’s share of the praise for her portrayal of Aretha Franklin, but Skye Dakota Turner as her younger counterpart sizzles as a poised, confident young girl. Watch her beam as she relishes the moment she’s asked to sing at a family gathering – Respect

Like a conductor, Jonathan Larson (Andrew Garfield) lifts his arms, virtually commanding that the wall of a New York City diner collapses, opening up the place to a glorious new day. A great effect only surpassed by the fact that what seems like every single Broadway legend appears here to sing “Sunday” – tick, tick…Boom!

The big reveal may just be ground zero for why so many films have recently been described as “bonkers” – Malignant

William Tell (Oscar Isaac) clearly has some demons. The intense, single shot handheld sequence through a prison unforgettably takes us to the heart of them – The Card Counter

Jim Bakker (Andrew Garfield, having a great 2021 in film) wrestles around with a colleague, exposing years of suppressed homosexuality in the most childish and transparent of ways – The Eyes Of Tammy Faye

Also having a great year? Bradley Cooper. He brings a wild energy to his brief role in Licorice Pizza and in the final moments here, as he comes to terms with his fate, he gives the scene just the right amount of pathos and horror, facing the inevitable by accepting that he probably had it coming – Nightmare Alley

When Clare (Ruth Negga) introduces her friend Irene (Tessa Thompson) to her husband John (Alexander Skarsgård), he proudly declares himself a racist, unaware that both of these women are Black. It’s a chilling moment, reminding us of the stakes and the uncertainty ahead- Passing

Watching any given moment of Martha Plimpton’s face as she silently squirms throughout this story of intense pain and loss is to witness a master class in how to listen as an actor – Mass

Although, for me, I found this to be the year’s most overrated film, that final close-up of Judi Dench, showing all of her years of experience as she whispers her final line, will forever be etched in my memory – Belfast

After Leda (Olivia Colman) refuses to give up her spot on a beach to a loud, rude family, she apologizes later to chilling effect: Leda: Look, I’m sorry about earlier as well. I was feeling a bit anxious. Callie: Yeah. Well, you know the sun can do that. And well, maybe your girls. Being away from your girls, you know? Leda: Yeah, well, you’ll see. Children are a crushing responsibility. Happy Birthday! – The Lost Daughter

The delicious silence as Lucy (Nicole Kidman) stops for an uncomfortable amount of time while shooting a scene from her sitcom. Perhaps she’s thinking about all of the struggles it took to get to that moment, or reflecting on her crumbling marriage, but she follows it with her very pragmatic, “Sorry! I got lost for a second.” – Being The Ricardos

The way Penelope Cruz’s Janis looks at Ana (Milena Smit) after the big reveal is to see empathy, hurt, longing, and compassion in an actor at the top of her craft – Parallel Mothers

Same goes for Amir Jadidi’s inmate character, Rahim, in a scene in front of an organization that holds all the cards regarding his freedom. His look of pure innocence may or may not be a clever façade for all of his lies, obfuscations, and threats of violence. This beautifully calibrated film asks an important question: how do you know if you’re a good person or not? – A Hero

The love between two vividly complicated adults gets conveyed by their recurring coded whistling in this fascinatingly unsentimental film – The Hand Of God

The terrors of human trafficking finds more emotional resonance via animation than it would have through live action. Just climb down with our refugees into a hidden compartment of a boat and you’ll know what I mean – Flee

After about an hour of awkwardly tuneless musical moments, I was finally won over by the swoon-inducing balcony scene in which Cyrano (Peter Dinklage) pours his heart out to Roxanne (Haley Bennett) in the moving song, “Overcome”. Passion meets melody to produce this sublime moment – Cyrano

As Jim Cummings’ Jordan greets a potential client at his talent agency, the voices in his head keep reminding him to think “It’s exciting” over and over again, as though he needs a reminder that any of this empty Hollywood bullshit is worth the effort – The Beta Test

Hans (the great Franz Rogowski), an inmate jailed on and off over a period of decades for being gay in Post World War II Germany, figures out a way to have a “date” while incarcerated. He and his friend quietly have sex in front of others without getting caught – Great Freedom

In a film filled with loopy, surreal touches, such as anything involving Sylvester Stallone’s divine King Shark, the Polka-Dot Man looking up and seeing a giant version of his Mom smashing buildings and causing all sorts of destruction was just the right Oedipal vision from Hell I needed – The Suicide Squad

Erik (Richard Jenkins): Hey, listen, you’ll find someone new. Hey, I’m serious. You’re going to find someone. Aimee (Amy Schumer): No. Not with history. Carol knew me with acne. She helped me with my law school application. Erik: You’re going to come out of this stronger, I promise. Aimee: Oh, just stop, daddy. Just stop lying to me. Just stop! Don’t actually stop. Keep saying things to me.

In a film filled with memorable images of pipes and walls, this dialogue exchange lived up to its title – The Humans

In a year in which ABBA reunited after four decades away, it was heartening to see “The Winner Takes It All” used in a scene in which Mia Wasikowska bops around a bar to this melancholy classic after experiencing the death of a relationship. It was as if to say, this pandemic may suck, but at least we have Anni-Frid, Benny, Björn and Agnetha back in our lives to give us the melodies, harmonies and moody lyrics we’ve craved – Bergman Island

[veganearlybird]

Entrepreneur. Maverick. Genius. [The Diaries of Harold Gordon]

(October 5)

With nearly 22 years now in past have decided to buy moleskine (paper iPad) from online store (free shipping included. good deal). Have always thought of myself as a creative type the likes of Jerry Seinfeld or Tyler Perry, it is good that now I have capability to write down thoughts and dreams and tech-startup ideas here. I was told that when you have an object out of sight, you’re out of your mind, so this moleskine should be good reminder to write down thoughts so they don’t fly away like airplane and I can make successful iPad app. As matter of fact, I do indeed have one or three billion-dollar ideas up my sleeves that will now write in moleskine. First Billion-Dollar Idea: new app game like Angry Birds except birds are mice. Working title: “Where’s the dang cheese?” If you are a snooper and reading my idea journal thinking to steal cheese idea from me, nice try, but I have patent pending, am not scared to sue in court of law.

The other Billion-dollar app idea tells when your pants zipper is down, it’s easy and simple, why wasn’t it made earlier (it’s a common problem I’m sure Steve Jobs wanted to fix too)? All the gizmos to make app work already invented by other people, am simply making new use for them, probably will make one billion (or at least one million dollars). App is called pantsApp (thought of name in bathtub). So how it works is you buy my sensor tag and attach it to zipper handle on pants. It talks to your iPhone or android phone (not literally, idiot. It’s via Bluetooth) and sets off alarm when pants are down – that’s it! (You can customize alarm, but by default it is set to the voice of a dad yelling at you and telling you you aren’t good enough and why didn’t you go to college and when are you going to move out and why do I never see you bring any girls around are you gay or something).

All you simple minds with no moleskine probably had my pantsApp idea at some point in your lives too but didn’t have a dang place to write down. In six months, will be on sailing boat in San Francisco bay with Strawberry Daquiri (on work day, mind you) counting my suitcases of venture-capital money. On same day, your sorry ass will be pounding on computer, not even knowing your doldrums of normal work life, you won’t know how pathetic/sad it is that you DO NOT have Daiquiri (on work day, mind you). Do not mean to insult, creatives like myself and Tyler Perry don’t have time to be polite or follow sheep rules like you. Can’t hear you on other side of money mountain (my pile of venture-capital money) ;) With new life ahead, all on my mind is new lifestyle. With venture money, will go to expensive streetwear stores in LA and buy hundred dollar shirts. Adding rolex is necessary for completing lifestyle.

When I die in future, this journal exists to show creativity for generations to come, captures soul of genius mind in leather moleskine. Hope that people are sad when I die, like Steve Jobs or Phillip Seymour Hoffman, hope that I am alive for necessary recognition, don’t want to only be famous when dead. “Bring me roses so I can smell them.”

<3, Harold Gordon. I’ll write again soon, don’t worry about it.

- - -

(October 7)

Have been thinking more of legacy I will leave on world after thinking about competitors to my genius on the planet. Am wondering if I am not being as ambitious as I can be, given that my (genius) brain is the biggest there is. After much thought, I have decided only living rival (maybe dead and alive) is Elon Musk. He is from South Africa if you don’t know who he is – no black face though, I am surprised from pictures. Musk bought expensive car, one million dollars before his twenty ninth birthday. So he is successful, I admit, I will not lie. (I am only twenty one though, so I have time to catch up don’t worry). Musk’s expensive car is called McClaren F1, looks like space ship, only sixty two ever made. One day I will buy faster car, Ferrari Enzo, and call Musk to challenge to drag race some place in the open desert. There, we will see for sure who real man is. We will see who more genius. Who more smart. Who is true master of the business of making money (the type of business I’m in). “I’m no businessman...I’m a business, man...” – Jay Z (hip-hop rapper; has black face unlike Musk)

<3, Harold Gordon

- - -

(October 7 again. It’s night time now though)

Exciting news, I am taking tour of Google headquarters next weekend with one of dad’s friends (Jerry Winslow Lincoln, the guy with three names) and I think it should segway into a productive business meeting for me. I do not know which business idea to focus on when I pitch my idea. Maybe my dreams will give me entirely new idea. One new idea I was thinking of was to build spaceships that bring people to Mars but I found out my rival Elon Musk is already doing that with his own spaceship company. So I think I should go to Saturn (ring planet) instead to steal thunder. Who would give two shits about Musk’s space-rocket if he was only able to get to Mars and I was on ring planet? (No One!) I see New York Times front page headline already: “Hey readers remember when Musk went to dusty ol’ Mars (red planet)? Me neither, who cares, because the genius Harold Gordon inventor went to Saturn and Saturn is five times further away if you didn’t already know.”

If you’re reading you’re probably thinking wow, what makes you always want to one-up everything – even so-called geniuses like Elon – and all I can say is that it’s who I am. Always have been maverick. In Kindergarten my teacher would tell me to sit down in chair but I would say “you don’t understand me, fuck you and your cages.” I got a lot of respect for being salmon- boy in school (going against current, if you don’t understand) and a lot of friends. My friends are in college now like a bunch of dumbasses though. (Lame) I’m sorry for them. They didn’t know who they wanted to be so they had to go away. They need someone else to tell them who they are, like they have amnesia or something. It’s sad. It’s just like when old people with money only wear suits because they don’t have any style (they don’t even know what style is!). They think suits will make them look impressive because that’s what was in a dumb magazine advertisement with some stupid hunk like Leo DiCaprio.

“Fuck you Leo! (Titanic wasn’t even good) Be yourself! Break the rules! Salmon Boys forever” – Harold Gordon (feel free to quote me if you’re reading)

<3, Harold Gordon. Will write again soon.

- - -

(October 12)

Did not write for few days. I’m sorry. I had my tour of Google headquarters in Mountain View with Jerry Winslow Lincoln this morning. I think it went OK. Was kicked out for “harassing” Larry Page but before that was able to put blueprints for Saturn Rocket ship on desk of his secretary and also included my business plans for pantsApp. If he helps me great but I don’t think I need him or care about him any more. Had a revelation during tour when watching Googlers (employees with nerd glasses and no sense of style) that including other people in my plans will probably slow me down in end. Will have to go at it alone but hey the road to other

side of money mountain is really narrow. Other people will just be jealous of me and try to claim my ideas as their own like Winklevoss twins from Social Network movie about Facebook. It good movie.

Am getting tired. Has been inspiring day though. Meeting Larry made me realize how he isn’t so special. Am inspired more than ever to create money businesses and write poems and draw and design and create new universes. It feels like responsibility to world. The sheep don’t deserve me, but they’ll be glad I helped them out when they’re eating Easter Brunch on ring planet.

<3, Harold Gordon

:)

space ship flying in the night

pants are up, always, feeling alright who could deserve this life? i might were it not for harold, life would be strife

:)

[plz write about me when i am dead]

[copiosis]

Capitalism is fulfilling its glorious purpose

Capitalism is working. Not in the way you think though.

Capitalism, like all things, is changing. In its throes it is sparking humanity’s imagination. What’s coming from that is astounding.

We have capitalism to thank for that.

In its early years, capitalism offered incentives for the powerful to expand their grasp. Satisfy their greed. Those incentives – adventure, wealth, conquest...but also struggles and pain and bloodshed – worked extremely well. Today, as most proponents of capitalism will knee-jerkingly say, more people are better off (and prosperous) than ever before.

There is no doubt about capitalism’s role in all that.

But neither doubt cloud one’s awareness of capitalism's massive problems.

If it weren’t for those problems, though humanity wouldn’t be striving for something better today. In that way, capitalism has been – and is – exactly what its proponents claim: the best system we’ve devised.

· · ·

While attending class at an Apple store, Johnny, our instructor read the subtitles on a video project we were working on. The project was about Copiosis, our economic innovation and the algorithm we’re fine tuning.

^^The video project that started the conversation.

“What is it you’re working on?” Johnny asked.

“It’s a new economic system capitalism is evolving into,” we said.

The instructor paused...

“Tell me about it,” He said.

We gave him quite a bit.

“Hmm, sounds interesting. I’m a dyed in the wool capitalist, but I’d like to know more. Gotta website?"

We told him the URL. Then asked: “Dyed in the wool, eh?” That’s when he said something we’ve never heard from a capitalist:

“As far as I’m concerned, nothing so far has been as successful as capitalism in making people more prosperous. Even poor people are better off today thanks to capitalism."

Did you spot the remarkable part?

Usually, when someone defends or exalts capitalism, they will say something like this:

"Capitalism is better than anything else".

Or they’ll say, “there’s nothing better than capitalism”.

Or they’ll take liberty with Winston Churchill’s famous quote about Democracy:

^^Yeah, he didn’t really say this. But people take the actual quote and re-shape it in their adoration of capitalism.

Maybe you don’t see the hilarity of such statements. But we do.

When people talk about capitalism, their words have historical context, even though the speaker thinks they’re talking about the future. The unspoken conclusion of “there’s nothing better than capitalism” is, “so don’t even try to make it better because you can’t.”

Imagine! Here was a dyed-in-the-wool capitalist acknowledging what no other capitalist or capitalist sympathizer has acknowledged. His three words left room for possibility.

Those three words?

“...nothing so far...”

Something can be better. And you can bet something isbetter than capitalism. How do we know? Put aside the fact that we’ve created it. Just consider this. Here, we’ll express it in the form of a proclamation:

Whereas humanity throughout history can’t help but seek improvement in itself and its world

Whereas history has shown humanity’s propensity for tinkering with things to make them better, turning salad bowls to salad spinners and straight razors into freakish versions like this futuristic gizmo...

Whereas even when some aspects of humanity try to hold it back (the electric car), humanity still finds a way to move forward (Tesla) and...

Whereas the future is a long-ass time, far longer than human history and

Whereas humanity is constantly birthing more babies and among those babies are more and more challengers of the status quo as seen in the civil rights, gay and now the gender movements, etc., and...

Whereas a lot of what humanity has tinkered with has benefitted humanity

Whereas humanity is not likely to stop tinkering with things in order to make them better...

We hereby proclaim that the future contains something that performs far, far better than capitalism!

Ta-da!

It was refreshing to hear Johnny use those magical, mind-opening words. Words that left us smiling.

This should be so common sensical. Yet a lot of people enamored with capitalism can’t conceive of something that can outperform it.

^^It’s really inconceivable to some that humanity can do better than capitalism.

Looking at the world today, it’s a wonder people think capitalism is here to stay when there’s so much evidence showing it’s on its way out. Look closely enough at what’s happening and you can see the one thing that is causing this shift:

Capitalism itself!

Hell, even politicians are getting it. Often, politicians are the last to get anything.

The same is true with democracy. And traditional governments. We'll write about that in the future.

· · ·

Three questions for ya reader:

“When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

"Are you doing that now?"

"If not, why not?"

Presuming you’re of adult age, with a career of at least five years let’s say, you’re likely not doing the thing you “wanted to be” when you were a child. Early on in Copiosis’ people's answers to these questions fascinated us. Usually, they would say something adventurous that they wanted to be. An astronaut, artist, musician, inventor...

^^What did you want to be when you grow up? (Photo: rawpixel)

Yet the thing they are doing now was comparatively lack luster. As they thought about their childhood dream juxtaposed with their adult reality, you could see and hear, the fire die in their eyes as they talked about reasons why they didn’t become what they wanted back then:

Too unrealistic

discouraged by my parents

Had to take care of my family

Had to grow up

Did have the time

Life got in the way

Have to earn a living

All of these answers (we’re resisting calling them excuses) point to a deeply inherent feature (not a bug, a feature) of capitalism. Some say it’s a flaw. But we believe it’s a brilliant design element: capitalism's ability to crush most people's dreams.

Now, some people will scoff at the idea that capitalism squashes dreams.

But it does.

Sure, there a few people out their living their dreams. But the majority are not. And some of the ones people think are living their dreams are actually living compromises at best, nightmares in the worst cases. And they're blaming people like racial minorities women, cis-het-white men and anyone else who doesn't look like them.

People who seem successful on the outside aren't living dream lives either.

Note the suicides of people like Heath Ledger and Philip Seymour Hoffman, or the struggles of Michael Jackson or Robin Williams. And it’s not reserved to Hollywood.

There are "successful” business people like Kenneth Lay and John Clifford "Cliff” Baxter both of ENRON infamy. And there’s Donald Trump.

It’s easy to think people are happy when you can’t see behind their wealth or success.

It can’t be overstressed that capitalism is notsynonymous with freedom. Or happiness. Or success. It is not designed for any of those outcomes. Copiosis is, but let’s stick with capitalism.

Even those who think they’re succeeding in capitalism are still suffering mightily. Nor are they free. Someone once said “Until we are all free, we are none of us free.”  It rings absolutely true for everyone in capitalism. You may be doing pretty well, but a lot of the well you’re enjoying is heavily dependent on the non-free status of others.

Paraphrasing Wikipedia:

“[non-freedom usually applies] to a situation where a person’s livelihood depends on wages or a salary, especially when the dependence is total and immediate....[and that dependence is limited to a] range of ...unfulfilling work that deprives humans of their “species character” not only under threat of starvation or poverty, but also of social stigma and status diminution.”

That’s what non-freedom looks like in capitalism. When someone says “Yeah but, if you give everyone the kind of freedom you’re talking about in Copiosis, then the things needing done no one will do”, they don't realize what they're saying.

Think about your needs in the context of modern, capitalist society and it’s really clear that our society is heavily dependent on non-freedom. The conveniences you enjoy – regular garbage pick up, food production (especially the shitty parts of that process), “waste” management (I’m referring to sewage here, separate from garbage “waste”) childcare, elderly care – all the things you’d rather not do or don’t want to do because you have other “better things to do with your time” are taken care of by others.

You explain away the fact that these people often are paid the lowest wages/salaries yet do really important work, by saying “well they’re being paid” or “That’s why I pay taxes” as if that is a good excuse for keeping people in those jobs. And mind you, most of those people in those jobs aren't there by freedom of choice.

When people counter Copiosis saying “who will do the jobs no one wants to do?”  what they are really saying is “those people doing the work that makes my life comfortable better keep doing it because I don’t want my life to change. And I’m not going to do that work. I don’t care how much better off my life may become. And I don’t care how shitty that job they’re doing is. They have to keep doing it.”

That’s non-freedom. For you andthe other guy.

A person may be paid for the work, sure. But that person is doing work he MUST do. Not work he would PREFER to do. And sometimes that work is shitty, or boring, or repetitive, or hazardous, or debilitating or dehumanizing.

^^Real freedom feels different. It looks different too.(Photo: Rawpixel)

Those three words are scary to people who have been immersed in non-freedom all their lives as both benefactors AND beneficiaries. Unfortunately very, very few have freed themselves from this paradigm.

So of course the first thing people think of, if people are afforded the freedom to choose is “how will shit get done if we have no slaves (laborers) to do them?” Put more nicely it’s “who will do the work we need done”?

Thankfully Copiosis answers that question by offering a framework where things get done AND people are free. Without the need of human slaves.

Someone responding to our innovation recently wrote: “those of us who believe in freedom use the term communist to refer to socialists and others who advocate the creation of an oppressive, authoritarian government.”

While his assessment of our innovation could not be farther off base, his presumption of his idea of freedom as some paragon of virtue is too. His idea of freedom is based on non-freedom.

In our experience, people who say they “believe in freedom” actually believe people shouldn’t be free. We explain this clearly here. Paradoxically, we believe those who say they “believe in freedom” actually advocate for an oppressive system that, is so sophisticated in its oppression, it causes its proponents and the oppressed alike to think they’re systemically free.

But they’re not.

For clarity:  a person who is free can do nothing if that’s what they want to do. A person who wants to spend all their time learning to paint, play video games all day, or fish or whatever, can. And they can do those things (or anything else) without going hungry, living on the street, or getting care for their body (or mind) if necessary. If they’re free that is. They can also get all the education they need or want to learn or improve any skill while doing whatever they want.

That’s real freedom.

And…the person exercising their freedom can do so without anyone else having to do anything they don’t want to do to support that person.

That. Is freedom. Not what we have today. The great thing is, that’s where we’re heading. Thanks capitalism!

What people who “believe in freedom”, especially in America, advocate for is not freedom. It’s non-freedom. It’s borne of capitalism and an associated epistemology that says "humans must earn a living or they’ll become lazy".

Proponents of such beliefs may not believe so consciously, or even intentionally, but that’s what they endorse. And there are some proponents who are intentional and vocal about it.

When a person has to “earn a living” they can’t possibly be free. When a person believes another should earn their living, that person is an oppressor.

All this ideological churn is an outcome of the deepest, most powerful feature of capitalism: one that reflects back to humanity its beliefs about itself. As you can see around you, people are getting the messages. And they’re starting to think different.

That would never have happened had capitalism not produced what it is producing.

For that, we (humanity) could be grateful for it.

Maybe in the future we will.

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 2

[ your honour, i simply love him. also this may become my focus for a while so idk if The Walls and Ashes will keep getting semi-regular updates ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

“Do you ever think about making traps that aren’t iron maidens?” Amanda asked, looking up from her own work to watch Garrett attach a chain to a literal iron maiden.

Garrett glanced at her before scoffing and placing the collar on the chain down on the ground as he went around to the back of the maiden to check the pulley the chain was attached to. “I think about plenty of traps. Iron maidens are just my favourite. Would you rather I-”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Amanda cut him off, already knowing he was about to spew some shit on medieval torture methods. “I was just curious. I mean, they work, so I’m not complaining. And it keeps you busy.”

Right. Because if he wasn’t building or designing a trap he was writing, and that would be falling back on what he was trying to unlearn.

When he went to respond, he was cut off yet again by his phone ringing. He answered it almost immediately, since the only people with that number were his Jigsaw associates. “Yeah?” he greeted, tucking the phone under his ear as he got back to work.

“Garrett. I am in the car, outside. I need your help,” came the voice of John through the phone, the way he spoke making Garrett chuckle to himself. “Be prepared to carry a person.” Oh! There was no scheduled game for today?

Garrett once again tried to reply, just for John to hang up. He let out an annoyed groan, but flipped the phone shut and tossed it on the table. “Don’t touch my trap,” he told Amanda, before pulling down his sleeves and jogging outside to help John.

He was ninety percent sure he heard her fucking with his trap as soon as he left.

---

“Who in the FUCK is this guy?” Garrett asked, struggling slightly to keep John’s newest victim standing, his limp body leaning heavily into him. Garrett was the strongest of the three of them, sure, and the second tallest but this guy was HUGE. He had to be at least 6’0, and carrying him was like carrying a brick wall.

John glanced at him, a vague amusement in his eyes but a neutral look on his face. “That, Garrett, is Detective Mark Hoffman. Normally I don’t go after cops if I had no evidence that they’re dirty, but he attempted to frame us, and I cannot tolerate that. Getting caught myself doesn’t matter. Keeping you and Amanda safe does.”

Aww, murder dad moments. Better than the dad Garrett used to have. “Right,” he let out a huff, readjusting Mark as he dragged him through the room, FINALLY dropping him into a chair in the middle of the workshop. “No wonder he’s a detective, the man’s a fucking giant.”

He stood in front of the still passed out detective, giving him a proper look over. He was big, like he’d already said, with short dark brown hair that had looked black outside. He had surprisingly well formed lips for a presumably cis white guy, and Garrett surprised himself with the thought that they looked awfully biteable.

Ah, there’s his gay instinct. He’d been wondering where it had gone, since it hadn’t fucked him over when he’d met that Adam Faulkner guy- who was definitely cute, but also now haunting him, which kind of ruins the appeal.

Moving on from that, Hoffman also had a little bit of scruff on his jaw, which Garrett quickly realized was what he’d felt on his temple while he was carrying him to the chair.

His little inspection was cut short when John began setting up the trap, strapping Hoffman to the chair with a shotgun strapped to his chest, the barrel directly under his chin.

“That doesn’t look very escapable,” Garrett joked, sending a short look to Amanda, who immediately looked away, at least having the decency to be embarrassed about her rigged traps.

“You would be surprised what human beings will do to escape entrapment,” John replied simply. “But this one is not built for him to escape from on his own. I’m going to make him an offer.”

He looked at his two apprentices, gesturing for Amanda to come over to them. “I want both of you to keep working on your games tonight, out of the warehouse. I know much about the detective, but not everything. I’m not going to risk him lashing out.”

Of course. John Kramer was nothing if not protective of his apprentices. Theoretically, Hoffman would fall into this category when the night was over. “Well, my iron maiden’s done,” Garrett said, glancing back at his newest device. “My game could take place soon, if not tomorrow. I know where the player will be.”

John nodded at this. “Good. Run your game then. If all goes as planned tonight, it will be good for our newest recruit to see one of you in action. Maybe he’ll learn something. Now go, both of you.”

Usually, Amanda argued when he dismissed her, but apparently she could see that he was serious, and simply packed her things and left. Garrett looked at Hoffman one last time before doing the same.

He could hear Hoffman begin to stir as he stepped out the door, and he found himself hoping that everything would go smoothly tonight.

Gay ass.

---

“Man, just carrying bodies is giving me a work-out,” Garrett muttered under his breath as he readjusted the woman slung over his shoulder, finally lowering her to the ground of the room her game would be taking place in.

As much as he wanted to do one of those big, multi-room games he’d seen John put on, he just didn’t have enough experience for those yet. So, it was a single room, with a single trap. Since it was small, he’d chosen someone with a small offense.

He’d even gotten to record the tape himself.

The collar let out a satisfying click as he fixed it onto the player’s neck, humming a soft tune as he gave it a tug to ensure it was one correctly.

There was a key for her to get in the middle of the room, just barely out of reach of the chain. She’d really have to get creative with getting to it. He checked the chain itself as well, ensuring it wouldn’t break off. He finished his check-up with a look at the hinges on the doors of the iron maiden, and the pulley attached to the chain.

The player was starting to stir, so he placed the tape recorder next to her and took his chance to leave. After all, if she survived, he really needed her to not see his face.

Soon enough, he took his place in the camera room, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on the desk.

“Do you always watch your games like that?” he heard someone speak up, looking to the door that Hoffman had just come through. He tilted his head at the detective, before grinning at him.

“Sure do,” Garrett replied, turning back to the screens. “Well, I would, if this wasn’t my first game. Usually I’m tinkering with something while John’s games are running.”

The player had woken up by then, clicking the tape on and cutting off the conversation.

“Hello Cara. I want to play a game,” the tape said, the voice making Garrett smile. It had been hard work getting his distorted voice to sound similar enough to the original Jigsaw’s. “For years you have kept yourself in a closet of your own creation in order to help others rise above you, allowing them to steal your work.”

“Well, unless you want that closet to become your death, you will rise above that today. Before you is a box, and inside it is the key to your freedom. You will have to work to get it. You have ten minutes. If you do not get to the key in time, the closet behind you will become your coffin. Live or die, Cara. Make your choice.”

The tape clicked off after that, and Cara did exactly what Garrett guessed she would- run straight for the box and find out the hard way that the chain was just barely short of the required length to grab it.

“This is usually the part where they start screaming for help and panicking. I gave her ten minutes because I knew she would, and that’s when a lot of people tend to die. I wanted to give her a fair chance.”

That almost seemed nice, but it was a lie. Garrett liked watching them thrash around and panic. The more time they had alive, the more time they could slowly go insane.

Hoffman had moved closer at some point, now sitting next to him in a chair that he’d pulled over to the desk. This was the first time Garrett had seen him since last night, so he finally got a chance to look at his eyes.

For someone who wasn’t a fan of blue eyes, Garrett thought Hoffman’s were gorgeous. He very, very quickly looked away, turning his attention back to his game.

“Did you build the iron maiden yourself?” Hoffman asked, and Garrett scoffed at the question.

“No, unfortunately. I didn’t have enough time to build one from the ground up,” he answered with a soft, disappointed sigh. “I found most of it from a collector that built replicas of medieval shit, but never got around to completing it. I finished it off, added the extras.”

Hoffman gave a hum of acknowledgement, his gaze glued to the screen in front of them. “How is this supposed to help her? How did it even help you?” There it was. Since Hoffman hadn’t gone through a real game, he didn’t feel the same as Garrett and Amanda. He didn’t understand it like they did.

Garrett readjusted himself in his chair, tilting his head at the screen. “I don’t want to tear every person I see to shreds anymore,” he offered with a shrug. “I don’t feel like screaming for hours on end until my throat bleeds. I’d say it worked pretty well on me. Sometimes you just need that kind of release.”

“For her, she’s supposed to learn her worth. She’s not just the sum of what she can do for others, what’s more important is what she can do for herself. And she needs to figure that out. I don’t want her to die. Why would I? That’s not the point.”

He didn’t notice Hoffman turning to look at him while he spoke, so he almost flinched when he glanced over and made eye contact with him. They held each other’s gazes for a moment, before they both looked back to the screen.

Cara really was trying to get that box, having now resorted to removing her belt and attempting to loop it around the box. It took a few tries, but she finally got a grip on the box and pulled it over to herself.

She scrambled to open it, and Garrett glanced at the timer.

Eight seconds.

“She’s not going to make it,” he realized aloud. He hadn’t even noticed how quickly time was passing, but he didn’t feel anything when the timer went off, or when Cara screamed as the chain yanked back, dragging her into the iron maiden.

Her screams became wet and gurgled when the doors of the maiden closed on her. Blood seeped out of the cracks at the bottom of the door. He just stared at the screen.

“Huh. Maybe ten minutes wasn’t enough time. Shame. I was really looking forward to seeing her get better.” With that, he stood up, turned off the screen, and headed back to the room to leave the iconic jigsaw piece in her skin. Hoffman followed, and watched him do it. “Most important part, if they die,” Garrett told him as he cut the skin with a scalpel John had given him, closing the door again when he was done.

And then he turned to Hoffman, his head tilted to the side in a curious motion. “Will you be the detective on the case? I suppose this will be your first test of loyalty, hm? I’d hate to kill you. You’re very pretty.”

He gave Hoffman a pat on the shoulder as he left the room, leaving him to think on what he’d said. It wasn’t a threat, but it was clear that he would kill him if needed. But he genuinely did not want to.

A smile formed when he heard Hoffman follow him out of the room. It was nice to have another apprentice, and it was looking like they’d get along.